as someone who very very much *could* have been one of the hostages I felt like I was nonstop punched in the gut for weeks on end by the people who said the hostages deserved it and ripped their posters down from street lamps and windows. Now I’m being punched in the gut again by the people who posted photos of the hostages and yellow ribbons in response to any of the calls for a ceasefire from Palestinians and who yet now in the heat of the moment are saying the hostages only ever were so many bodies (Bodies!) all along

i genuinely need to be kept away from society

it’s kinda concerning how quick i am to turn depression from an upsetting day into anger towards anyone i have to interact with.

How many times will your hands and mind fail you?

heaviness.

this week i felt so heavily taxed it’s like i’m being robbed of something.

i don’t want to be here. i don’t want to be around anyone but a few, i don’t want to be perceived, i don’t want to be thought of. i don’t want the smiles from certain people because i don’t deserve them, i have fooled them with only a few actions they’ve seen of me and the surface that looks clean and flawless. that’s the thing— if only they knew me deeply would they maybe back the hell away, not smile as much, refuse to look me in the eye with such cordiality.

i am not even being cruel to myself. i am honesty right now. this heaviness weighs on my back like a load i can’t pretend isn’t there anymore. i look in the mirror and the reflection is so tired, so fed up. if only i could open the minds of people around me just to erase the memory of me from them and disappear somewhere. if only everyone forgot me for a second, and i had no trace of prior existence— a fresh start where i can begin newly again, where perhaps even i’d be known to myself as someone with less baggage, less of all the bad things that have happened to me and continue to happen under the surface which makes it all the more insidious and sickening. i am tired of myself. of the people who made me who i am today. i hope to get lighter. so much so that i fly away as if filled with helium, never to come back down on this wretched planet with its wretched people who see the worst in me and the deceived who see the best in me.

.

I’m cursing your bloodline, ao3 user vanyamoon

just me screaming and yelling into the void.

i feel like i’m going crazy sometimes. specifically regarding the literal genocide of palestinians being documented and broadcast online right now. i don’t know how people have gone so long, literally nearly two months (!!!!!!), without knowing what’s going on. how? how is that possible? and let’s say they do know about it, they might say “well, it doesn’t concern me” or “i’m neutral” or “it’s too complicated”. WHAT? i’m so so sorry? what was that? what on earth is complicated about apartheid, occupation, colonisation or GENOCIDE. and it does concern you, actually!!! like it really does!! it should enrage you that the world is watching an occupying power murdering en masse. it should enrage you that human beings are being subjected to such horrific acts of violence. it should enrage you that children are writing names on their arms so people can identify them if a bomb drops on their heads. it should enrage you that palestinians have to scream and cry and shout and hold up their martyred loved ones to validate their suffering and get the world to even glance at them. it should enrage you that a group of children had to stand in front of the tv, say a speech in english, to get the world to listen. it should enrage you that nurses, doctors, and surgeons had to hold a press conference in front of the martyred to show the world what is happening — because telling the world wasn’t enough. it should enrage you that the president of the united states accused people in gaza of releasing false numbers of people killed, to which the palestinian ministry of health had to release tens of pages of names — entire families aged 0-100 — of the palestinians murdered. to justify their suffering. it should fucking enrage you beyond belief that even democrats and progressives in the u.s don’t give a shit about marginalised communities or brown people or arabic people or muslims because they just signed a bill declaring any condemnation or criticism of the “state” of israel is anti-semitic. the list goes on and on and on and on. so many people don’t care. they don’t care or they’re okay with it or they support it. from people in incredible positions of power to celebrities to the every day person — so many people don’t give a shit about what is happening in gaza and the west bank. people are refusing to hold any person with a platform accountable and for what? they’re refusing to boycott (such a simple thing to do) and for what? for WHAT? is your life going to end when you don’t get your overpriced starbucks drink? or your shitty mcdonalds? is it going to end when you put your critical thinking caps on and start looking at celebrities for who they really are at the end of the day: money hungry capitalists? is your life going to end if you acknowledge that people don’t want to vote for joe biden for committing genocide? is it???? is it???!!!!! when will people wake up. when will they open their eyes and pay attention and do the right thing. when will people have a backbone. when will people gain empathy for an entire people being erased from the planet. when when when when when when when.

like do people not see it? the terrorist occupiers are erasing an entire people. an entire group of people. they’re destroying their historical documents, their schools, their neighbourhoods, their olive trees. they’ve colonised their food for fucks sake. they’ve killed doctors, scientists, journalists. they’re targeting anyone who speaks up against them. they’ve taken thousands of hostages. they’ve berated and beaten and tortured those hostages. they’ve bombed mosques and one of the oldest churches in the world. they’ve raped women and left babies with pieces of their skulls missing. they’ve made parents carry pieces of their children in bags. they violated a “truce”. they didn’t let them have funerals or celebrate or dance when they were reunited with loved ones (freed hostages) they’ve arrested palestinians for throwing rocks at tanks. rocks at tanks. rocks. at tanks. they ran over rachel corrie with a bulldozer for protesting the demolition of palestinian homes in rafah. they shot and killed a nine year old boy for standing in the street. they beat orthodox jews for standing in solidarity with palestinians. they shot a jewish man pleading for his life. they’ve stolen they’ve murdered they’ve beaten they’ve colonised they’ve done nearly every unimaginable, horrific act of violence under the sun to palestinians. where is your anger. where is your grief. where is your empathy for palestinians. where is everyone? where is the world?

"He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds"

I wish I was brave enough to kill myself

Why the fuck is the way I experience pain never good enough for medical professionals? Oh you’re not bawling your eyes out? Liar it doesn’t hurt. Oh, you can walk? Clearly doesn’t hurt then. Well your smiling right now in this one minute of the hundreds you have in a day so there is just no conceivable way that you’d be in pain and we’d know because we see lots of real sick people and guess what? You’re not one of them.

Like dude!!! I live in fucking chronic pain!!! Have done so since I was legitimately six. It never not hurts, it fact it’s a hellish existence. And I just know that those same medical professionals would get real sick of me crying the whole time and they’d arrive at the same conclusion of : You’re a dramatic, over exaggerating young woman.

ugh.

Just like that, you’ve lost me forever.

I wish I had never trusted you and never gave you my heart.

Now I’m left with this heartbreak and I hope I survive 💔😢

Im reblogging all the things you all are saying because I have no words

,

🧍🏾‍♀️

my mom is literally yelling at me bc i “study too much” and she says that’s selfish and i shud be doing other things and spending time w my family. like. as if everytime i spend time w my family i don’t just end up hating myself more.