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Bad headspace hcs

Hi. Welcome back to me ignoring my finals.

Warnings: Mentions of grave robbing, mentions of corpses, mentions of schizophrenia, depression, and eating disorder, violence

Mary Goore:

This is where the weird and sick fantasies happen

They'll visit the cemetery more and dig up some graves

Mainly they'll rob and/or sketch the skeleton or even decayed body that's inside the casket

Sometimes they'll go further, but that's depending on if the voices are acting up again

Mary deals with residual schizophrenia and sometimes forgets to take his medication please get them a fucking daily pill counter jfc he needs help

When they're in this headspace, you're best off to just leave him alone. Mary becomes more unpredictable and even violent due to the intrusive thoughts that won't shut up and heightened paranoia

This episode typically lasts a few days, but on the off chance it's particularly bad, it could be up to a month

Just let them reach out to you whenever they're ready

"Sorry I've been MIA for a while. The voices wouldn't stfu. Wanna hang out later?"

DD Sars

Swings between manic episodes to becoming a hermit for a while

Probably needs antidepressants but doesn't have any

He couldn't stand the side effects from his old prescription but ended up changing insurance before he could ask for a new prescription

Was told he was fine and didn't need any medication from a nurse, then told to come back to the hospital if he felt bad again

Absolutely doesn't trust doctors now and refuses to ask them for help with both his depression and eating disorder

"I'm fine." said with a forced and angry smile

You can interact with DD and he'll genuinely tell you what's wrong. He worries a lot so he's grateful if you let him vent for a bit

Promises to try and eat more and take care of himself but will 100% admit when he's too tired to even get out of bed

Doesn't want you to worry about him but he appreciates the concern

G. Grotesque

He'll start digging up graves but not for the same reason as Mary

Normally, G. suffers alone and silently, but sometimes he bottles up his emotions too much and suddenly everything bursts out at once

Refuses to admit anything is wrong to anyone (DD's the only one that can trick him into talking)

But when it gets too bad, G. will dig up a grave just so he can stab a body repeatedly

Doesn't stop until he physically cannot keep going

If you catch him doing this, he absolutely breaks down sobbing in your arms

"I can't take it anymore! It hurts!"

He'll let you take him home and coddle him because he's too drained to do anything else

He'll feel better in a couple days after entirely breaking down. He just has to calm down for a bit

E. Forcas

Stays home and actually stops speaking

Everything takes too much energy and he's too busy fighting for his fucking life to verbally talk

Please only ask him yes or no questions. It's easier for him to nod or shake his head

Doesn't act out at all like the others but there's a distinct look in his eyes

Thousand yard stare all the way. If you come over, he'll just look in your direction but not at you

Doesn't mind if you watch movies with him or even cuddle, but he's just going to be silent for the entire stay

When he does get enough energy, he'll finally look you in the eye. Still doesn't entirely focus on you, but it's a step in the right direction

"Could you spend the night with me? I don't wanna be alone anymore."

Please stay with him for a while. The company helps more than he'll ever let on

not saying this is evidence of anything. in fact, it may well be the opposite in some regards. but i've been having more difficulty... talking? i sort of forgot how effortful it used to be for me, but it seems that my ability to talk is heading in that direction again. i don't know if that's just because my current job is sort of toxic to my overall functioning, or if it may be due to some side effect from the medication. additionally, the issues that i experienced with... volume regulation(?) / social anxiety(?) as a child have returned. meaning, not only has talking *in general* become somewhat more difficult (i can still do it, but it's annoying how much i have to *force* myself for anything that isn't scripted at my work), but also speaking loudly enough for other people to actually *hear* me has become a struggle again. i think it's more likely to be due to social anxiety, but i honestly feel like the medication had been helping with that? maybe i was wrong. i just feel myself slowly getting worn down again, which doesn't inspire confidence! if it's just adhd, i should be able to do these things!! i'm not even working full-time!! i keep going back to this thought, "if they can do it, why *the fuck* can't i?" i've just gotten so much worse. it's like... only a few years ago i had been building my skills to deal with normal daily life & made great strides, i thought. i was working... roughly what i'm working *now*, took much harder courses than the ones i'm doing now, and i still made time for my interests. and i was fine! more than fine, i was fucking *happy*. i felt good & dealt with the things life threw my way. now, i get home from work & i feel too exhausted to really do anything. that's unacceptable. if they can do it, i should be able to as well. i can. i just need my brain to *fucking cooperate*. i can't keep working my full, scheduled shifts, go home, lay down, fight myself to make dinner, maybe watch something, and then go to bed. can't keep getting through the work week only to feel exhausted & fight with my brain over using my weekend to do the things that i should have been doing all week vs. what *it* wants to do & just use the time to engage with my interests bc i couldn't find the energy during the work week. i don't know what's going on with me, but i've gotten *so much worse*. in high school, i was working... pretty much full-time & still made time for homework AND my interests. i guess the difference is that i'm an adult now & have *slightly* more responsibilities than i did then. but i don't think i could do what i did then, now. i feel... basically like i did in middle school. struggling to manage what few responsibilities i have, struggling to fucking *talk*, hating myself & wishing i could be *anybody else*. i used to be so much more. my overall life experience has been slowly building myself up, so i could barely measure up to what i'm supposed to be. didn't realize that all of that would come crashing down by literally *continuing to do the things that i should be able to do* & not taking breaks from being a normally functioning person. i'm not even autistic. i haven't been feeling especially depressed recently, either. yet, i'm getting worse *again*. will this shit never fucking stop? i need to be a normally functioning person. there is nobody in the entire world that will hold me up if i continue to fail at this. everybody expects me to be able to do these things, so i need to. that's all. no room for doubt or struggle, *only* execution. so, ultimately, i'll continue on until i can't. as hard as it's become in recent years.

Might delete this later, i don't even know or care rn.

I'm open about my depression--i try to remember and tell anyone that wants to play that I have it, and that it affects me on a daily basis. I try to reblog as much mental health stuff as possible just in case someone needs it, because I know how much I need it sometimes. It varies from day to day how bad it is, I'm on medication for it, and have a therapist (I need to fire him, he's not done anything except repeat the same platitudes every visit with nothing new to say or do. He's useless -_-) and I live with incredibly understanding people. My irl primaries are also understanding, but my family is. Not so much. One aunt thinks the worst of me, which given my brothers' lives and addictions is kind of reasonable, but also incredibly infuriating, because along with the depression comes Anxiety, and a Stupidly Low social threshold that makes it difficult for me to want to leave the house when I don't have multiple pressing issues to deal with (I tend to 'save up' my Outside The House tasks until I can do them all in one go).

I'm also currently 3 days shy of my 1 year anniversary of my divorce being finalized.

The last few weeks have been. Hard.

I spent nearly a decade with him, we shared the same birthday (12 years apart exactly, which is kind of hilarious to me because he's the first person I ever met that has the same birthday), spent nearly every moment together and, in between the abusive cycles, I enjoyed it. I loved him, or at least I thought I did, just as I thought he loved me.

So imagine my surprise when I find out I've been replaced in his life in less than 3 months. Imagine the hurt of hearing, 1 month and 2 days after receiving the papers from the courts declaring me a free woman, that he has a new girlfriend, and is looking to move into a new place with her.

I know, in my head, that I left him, that I wanted nothing more to do with him, much less know his new relationship status.

But in my heart, I still had feelings left for him to step on.

Because the way he was immediately able to move on, after ever so calmly declaring to my father that I needed to be institutionalized when I first left the home we'd built and spent 7 years in, just made it clear that I was replaceable. I was something for him to use up and throw away when he was done or I had killed myself to escape him, that I probably meant nothing more to him than a, a class pet he got to keep for the weekend before handing back to the teacher, or an escort that’d finished the date and could be sent back to wherever I came from.

It hurt then, and it still hurts now, a year and change later, that I meant nothing to him.

And unfortunately those stupid Feels have been rearing up their ugly head again, to the point of skyrocketing anxiety and depression and a social threshold so low I broke down crying after 2 errands, neither of which required my leaving the car or talking to anyone but my housemates.

I still have 3 days between me and the anniversary. I have another job in the wings, all I need to do is sign some papers and I'll be officially hired. I live with some of my best friends, and it feels like some weird neverending slumber party because this feels more like home than almost another place I've been. I have a wonderful boyfriend and they friend, some amazing online play partners and people to talk with, I have the freedom to do whatever I want.

And I still want to cry. I still want to hurt as bad outside as I do on the inside, I want to scream and rage and break shit and ask him why he did what he did to me, if he ever actually had feelings for me, if he knew how close I was to smothering under him and and and ad infinitum.

I'm never going to get those answers though. I'll have to live with those feelings and questions and somehow finish healing from everything I've suffered, on top of dealing with my lifelong depression, and jesus fuck, I don't know how I'm going to do it.

Life Update since I hadn't been on here in forever

The pandemic was/is wild! Lockdowns started literally around the time we were going to the fertility specialist to get her pregnant. I lost my job to COVID in March shortly before we did the procedure, but we decided there's never really a good time to have a kid. Why not during a global pandemic when one of us in unemployed? (BTW, I don't recommend having a kid during a pandemic. Not being able to go to all of the appointments and having to sit in the parking lot was brutal.)

Let's talk about May friends...it was rough. (TW for mention of suicide btw. I'll post a gif where it's safe to start again if you wanna skip over it.)

So May 1st is the anniversary of my father's suicide. It had been 4 years. I found his body and since he wasn't married, I had to handle his affairs and arrange his funeral. May 1st, 2020 my wife and I had a Zoom game night with our friends and I got drunk because everyone was drinking (except my wife because she was pregnant). After our game night at like 2am, I had a psychotic break. I threatened to kill myself numerous times. My wife tried to talk me down, but eventually called the cops to take me. I thank her for that because looking back, that was the moment I knew something needed to change. I was convinced the cops were gonna kill me because I'm a trans dude in rural West Texas. I legit took the phone out of my wife's hand, hung up on 911, and yeeted her phone across the backyard and tried to hop the fence. Eventually the cops came and talked me down. They took me to the hospital an hour away in handcuffs (for their protection I did nothing wrong). They took me to the religious hospital that I was born in. So when they looked up my info by my name and date of birth from my driver's license (I only changed my middle name) literally all my paperwork and my bracelet had my deadname and wrong gender despite all of my legal stuff saying male with my new middle name. I mentioned it to them and they didn't care. They misgendered me the entire time I was there. I had hit my head hella hard on the bath tub when my wife was trying to snap me out of it, did the hospital even check me for concussion? Nope. I had punched so many things and my hand and wrist were swollen and discolored. Did they check out my hand and wrist? Nope. I was there for over 10 hours before I was able to convince them I was okay and that it was just the alcohol. Did I mention during that 10 hours I was literally out in the hall on a gurney with no mask and this was when COVID was running rampant in Texas (the first time)? I heard people die that night. I had nothing to distract me because they took away all of my personal items and clothes. My wife picked me up and we went home and I have been sober ever since. It's not the first psychotic break I've had with alcohol in my system. Alcohol just doesn't agree with me, but I'm finding new things to replace it with.

TW has been lifted...it's safe now.

A couple of weeks after that I began teletherapy because I had been on the same mood stabilizer and anti-depressant for almost a decade. The more I thought about it, the more it made sense that I felt like it hadn't been working for at least a year. This is a reminder to check in with your doctor if you feel like your meds aren't working. You may just need a different dose or a new med. There's no shame in that. I bounced around on various medications trying to find the right combo, some side effects scarier than others, but we got there. Before this, I had been diagnosed with ADHD, Major Depressive Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. My therapist threw out my Borderline diagnosis and said it was CPTSD instead, which made sense.

Fast forward to December because my wife was pregnant, I was unemployed still, and we did absolutely fuck-all because the global panini was still raging.

Our son was born on December 3, 2020. He weighed 5lbs 9oz and scared the ever loving shit out of us. He wasn't breathing when he was born so they called NICU in ASAP. I'm freaking out because I can hear and see what's going on while my wife was asking if he was okay as they put her guts back in place to sew her up. 5 or so minutes pass and a nurse asks if I want her to take some pictures. I'm like is he okay, he still hasn't cried. She's like "oh yeah, he's chillin." This goon was being held by a nurse and was just looking around not crying or anything. Chillest baby ever (he still is btw). I held him next to my wife's head until it was time to go back to the room. Little dude did have to spend 4 nights in the NICU because he couldn't keep his sugars or temperature regulated, but he was healthy otherwise. He's now 4 months old and is starting to sit up on his own a little bit and he's OBSESSED with standing. He's still a little guy, but very healthy and growing like a weed. He saves my life daily.

So after being unemployed for over 9 months, I started a new job working in a call center. I absolutely hate talking on the phone. It gives me anxiety and throws me into panic attacks, but I had been putting out hundreds of job applications since I lost my last job and this was the first offer I got. I wasn't really in a position to turn it down since my unemployment had ran out 2 months prior. It was 2 months of training, then we'd be on our own. I got thru the training and thought I could handle it...until they started putting us on live calls with someone helping us if we got stuck. My mental health hit the lowest point it had in a few years and my wife was terrified she was going to lose me. She convinced me to quit on February 28th (not because I didn't want to, but because I'm a stubborn ass who felt guilty). My meds got tweaked a little bit more dosage wise during this mess.

Starting about mid-February, I was experiencing severe shakiness, tremors, and spasms. I've always been a shaky person and never really thought too much about it, but at some points I could barely feed myself, or get a drink, or hold my son. On March 7th, I tried to make an appointment with my doctor about the weird symptoms I was experiencing, but she was out of town and her next opening wasn't until the 31st. My body said that won't work and my wife rushed me to the ER on the 9th...I had begun having seizures that day. I had no previous history of seizures. Got to the ER and had a seizure literally as I was walking thru the door, so they rushed me straight back. They took some blood and that was literally it. No MRI. No CT. They pumped me full of Ativan and said it was just a panic attack and to go home and chill.

Spoiler Alert: It wasn't just anxiety. I was having 20+ seizures a day. On the 10th, my wife rushed me to a different hospital...the good hospital over an hour away. First we had to drop off our gremlin with my mom to make things a little easier. Yet again, I had a seizure as I walked in the door and was taken back immediately. I don't really remember much because they kept pumping me full of Ativan and morphine because I had been in excruciating pain from the number of seizures I'd had. I do remember them doing a CT pretty quickly after I got there. Then they weren't happy with the results of the CT, so they took me to get an MRI, which showed possible signs of Multiple Sclerosis (but I didn't find that out until AFTER the notes showed up in my patient portal after being home a few days, so I raised hell...more on that later.) They did a 24 hour EEG on me and it showed nothing abnormal. Also, EEG glue is a bitch on your hair and scalp. After looking at everything and given my previous mental health history, they diagnosed me with Psychogenic Non-Epileptic Seizures, or PNES. It is a subset of Functional Neurologic Disorder, or FND. I couldn't walk well anymore and had to use a walker when I was discharged. I was in the hospital for 3 days.

When I had my follow-up appointment on the 23rd, I asked why the possibility of MS was never mentioned to me since it was very clearly in the notes. The doctor didn't have an explanation. He called in a referral to neurology so I could get a 2nd MRI to confirm MS and marked it as high priority. He also didn't take my pain seriously. My pain levels had been at a 5 or higher every single minute since they took me off of the morphine in the hospital. He told me to keep taking prescription strength doses of ibuprofen and Tylenol, which I had been. I let him know I had been and it didn't even take the edge off the pain. He ignored me. Leading up to this appointment, I had also added urinary incontinence to my growing list of symptoms and was forced to wear diapers so I didn't have to do laundry all the time. The doctor also took me off my ADHD meds because they were lowering my seizure threshold. He also took me off of my sleeping meds and nightmare meds for the same reason I'm assuming.

I kept my appointment on the 31st with my primary doctor because she's been my doctor for 5 years now and I knew she'd take my pain seriously. She did. She immediately wrote me prescriptions for a muscle relaxer and Tylenol 4. She also told me that my referral had been rejected by neuro. She said my case wasn't a good one for what she called a "wallet biopsy" and the doctors in neurology could be real assholes. She immediately sent the referral to other locations to get an approval. I am still waiting on that despite it being marked as high priority. She wrote me a prescription for a wheelchair because we both agreed my wheelchair was not enough for particular days.

Yesterday my wheelchair was finally ready for pickup, so my wife drove me to go get it. I'm still unable to drive due to my seizures and my tremors and twitches as it's predominantly in my legs and arms. I am an ambulatory wheelchair user now. Some days I can go short distances without my walker, some days I can't go without my walker, some days I can't even get out of bed, and some days I will be using my wheelchair. Don't judge a book by its cover, not all disabilities are visible. I have managed to keep my daily seizure count down in single digits and have even had a few seizure free days. They are still incredibly taxing on my body. I feel like I can't ever replenish my spoons fast enough to keep up with anything in my life.

So all in all, life has been chaotic. We are moving from Texas to New Mexico in the next few weeks, which should be interesting considering I can't overdo it without throwing myself into seizures. We will be closer to my mother-in-law so she can help us with our son and I can start resting a bit more on the more difficult days. Being a stay-at-home dad with an invisible illness has been one of the most challenging things I've done in my life, but I wouldn't change it for the world.

Sorry this is so long. I just wanted to update my followers since it's been over a year since I posted before a few days ago.

i am doing v v badly right now. i'm not sure on the right words. but it is bad.

I would like to apologize in advance for my language and for sounding like an asshole. It’s honestly just the way I type. Everything I say is with all the love and sunshine in the world.

Hey @calictii!

While I don’t know what exactly you are going through, I did take a little peek at your most recent post. First off, what you said was not dumb as fuck. Never invalidate your own feelings that way. It is harmful to the soul. Second, I have to say, I get it. I totally 100% get it. It’s hard to deal with these things on a daily basis when you’re young and still trying figure out who you are in the process of your mind tearing you down. I was there a couple of years ago myself. The only way I got through it was by throwing myself headfirst into the military where all feelings were invalid. Not saying that was the right way, but it’s what I did to hide from it. It’s okay to feel the way you do. Maybe lost, confused, hopeless. I’m not sure if you ever got professional help and are ready to start your life, or if you are still struggling and can admit that you need to start your life soon. Either way, you can’t look at it as if you were behind everyone else. It’s not a competition. You’re not behind in the race. You have time to map things out. Don’t have money? A lot of local stores and fast food chains start hiring after summer break. Want to go to college? There are plenty of financial aid options available to you. Wanna crawl into a hole and die? No. Just no.

I noticed the hashtag that said you didn’t like yourself. I remember feeling that way when I was depressed. I hated myself and cried myself to sleep just about every night. Nobody in my house cared how I felt though. So I never got any professional help. But I can tell you this. You might feel like you are alone, and in the dark, but you’re not. You have the entire world at your disposal and if you feel like you don’t, I’m here to help you understand everyday why you’re not.

A lot of this getting better shit is just reclaiming your life. You have to have that mindset that says, “world, I am a badass. Hit me with everything you got.” And with that comes the responsibility you have to yourself to be unapologetically, you. The world is not out to get you, people are not staring at you in that store, nobody is watching you sit in your car. Nothing you do is being judged to the point where you have to hide away and shelter your true self. Because no one cares! It took me so long to realize that but no one gives a fuck what you do or when, how and why you do it.

“You can get through anything in the moment , but it’s the fear of what might happen that undoes us.”

-The Fosters

All of these thoughts that go on in your head during your episodes aren’t real. Well, I mean, they’re real to you. But not to anyone else. No one knows that you hate yourself or that you feel uncomfortable in your own body. Nobody knows that you feel badly about your situation. Nobody knows because it’s none of their business. Nobody knows because they don’t care. One of the first steps is regaining your confidence. You have to adapt the mindset that nobody knows all of these deep sad thoughts I’m thinking about myself so I can truly be myself. Nobody know that I’m crying on the inside because I think I look stupid, so ima go get some ice cream. Nobody knows that I want to kill myself every time I open my eyes and the bright burning fireball called the sun is penetrating my eyeballs, so ima go take a walk around the park. It’s the little things, that aren’t so little, that make the difference. You have to combat every negative thought with a positive one in turn. If you have nothing positive to say about yourself or the situation, take a walk, drink some water, take a warm shower. Depression and anxiety damage your perspective of the world and how you react to it. That short fuse? In your head. That tiredness that’s killing you? In your head. That body ache? In your head. It’s difficult to shake the thoughts and the mindset that you have adapted throughout your entire life in response to the depression. But you have to start somewhere.

With that being said. There are steps you should consider taking when it comes to getting better, if you are willing. Increase you water intake. This is very important! Hydration not only helps improve your energy levels, it also helps to clear and hydrate your skin. Start off by drinking a cup of water a day and increase your intake by a cup or two every week until you reach a gallon a day. As much as I hate to admit this, exercise is extremely important for your mental health. Even if you only do a simple workout for 15 minutes a day, you are aiding in the healing of you mind. Sometimes it sucks to get out of bed as it is but sometimes you have to push past the things that make you uncomfortable in order to get better. Which brings me to sleep schedule. Do not underestimate the value of sleep when it comes to healing. There is a reason that doctors tell you to get lots of rest when you’re sick. And I know your sleep schedule is probably fucked but everything I said before this actually sets you up for an improved sleep schedule. Set a wake up time on your phone or alarm. Make sure it’s a time that you feel comfortable waking up at every day. And then set a good night alarm for a decent hour. Make sure there is no more and no less than 8 hours in between wake up and goodnight. And last but not least, a positive attitude goes a long way. You cannot and will not get better of you don’t put in the effort. If you start getting negative thoughts and your first reaction is “fuck, I’m going to kill myself” you’re not helping yourself. Instead, take a step back from whatever you’re doing and realize who the fuck you are. Take a step back and take a deep breath. Take a step back and count to ten. Take a step back and try again. Find the positive in whatever negative thing that crosses your mind. “Idk what the fuck to do with my life! Ugh I’m so tired of this!”…… “I am alive. I was given this life for a reason. Let me go and figure that out.” You know what I mean? And I know it’s hard, trust me. Been there done that. And that’s exactly my point. Someday, you’ll be saying “been there, some that” to the next person who is having your same issues. And it will feel so fucking good to be able to say “I helped someone today, because of what I went through. I am not a burden. Never was.” And you won’t have to regret a single moment of what you did to get better.

(Do all of the above for two weeks straight and notice the difference in your mind.)

You are not worthless. You are not a burden. You are not disposable. You are not ugly. You are not stupid. You are not a waste of space. You are you. And you have missed out on a lot of things that you can bring to the table because of this disease that is telling you it’s not worth it. I take that back. You didn’t miss out. You and everything you have to offer is still there. You just have to be willing to put in the necessary work in order to get you back. It’s completely possible. You are in control of your own life. You don’t need the medication and the therapy if you trust yourself enough. But also DO NOT HESITATE TO GET THE NECESSARY PROFESSIONAL HELP NEEDED.

I guess what I’m trying to say is. I’m sorry that you are going through this. But, hopefully, one day you’ll be okay. It’s not too late to do everything that you feel you needed to do ten years ago. It’s not all gonna come at once but it will come. Be patient with yourself. Respect yourself. Know that it won’t be easy. But I can guarantee you that the view from the top is pretty fucking good.

-Your newest friend @feelingsarehar3 ❤️‍🔥

Also, I’m sorry if I overstepped in any way. It was not my intention. I’m just an ask away.

Hey dude, I'm sorry you've been feeling like ass the past few days and I want you to know I don't think you're the bad guy at all. Being depressed isn't something you should fault yourself, and just by you being able to play Justin the way you do is a sign that you can feel more emotions than just pain and sadness, you are an amazing person with so many levels of complexity, and I'm truly sorry you've only been experiencing the shitty side of emotions.

Thanks for the uplifting message. I didn’t know what to say at the time and I didn’t want to just post it publicly because then I’d have to keep up that facade and be like “Depression!? Ha! I’m not depressed. I’m just losing my mind a little.”

But I’m making this public because I’m not afraid of people knowing that you are a good person and that I am an insecure trainwreck of a person.

But I AM depressed. I’ve been depressed for a long time and sometimes I just break out of the sensible, rational person I try to be and just lose it. And I feel like it takes more and more energy to hold back the whole ‘well fuck everything and fuck you’ attitude. To fight to keep that optimism that my character has, that I used to genuinely share.

It’s hard, and I can’t fathom why it’s so hard because it shouldn’t, by all rational thinking, ever be this hard. There is no rationality to the way I act, it’s all irrational and built on my own paranoia or mental falsehoods, maybe even losing the standard of time that everyone else goes by. Yesterday is vague. Something years ago is happening today. The future is dead.

And the worse thing is that I know that cycle will not change. Therapy didn’t work. Just made me feel worse. I don’t have insurance, and I lack the money and motivation to see a doctor. And what is a doctor even gonna do except give me some stupid chemical to take on a daily basis for the rest of my life. Something that has the chance to be ineffective or even dull the bad things and good things about into one big grey ‘meh’. Or even worse, not work at all and finally contribute to the multitude of forces trying to push me over that final edge.

To hell with that! I don’t allow anything push me past that edge. And I know that attitude keeps me from seeking help from medical professionals, but that attitude also prevents me from getting blackout drunk and from making other devastatingly bad decisions. Without that attitude, I would be gone right now and I know for certain because every time I lost that attitude something bad would happen to me.

Last spring I could have died. I was close to graduating. I already had certifications as an electronics technician and qualifications in building, operating, and maintaining computer systems. But the college decided to cut funding for that degree plan and they shut it down in the middle of the semester and did not even tell anyone about it until it was decided and done.

I was pissed.

No, I wasn’t pissed. I was devastated. I worked hard just for life to fuck me over again. And I gave up enough to let myself get so drunk that I descended into an even bleaker mood of ‘Fuck it.’

Drank an entire fifth of whiskey and downed 14 grams of Tylenol.

Woke up with the mother of all hangovers. Ironically went to an AA meeting with my cousin. Kept getting progressively sicker until I didn’t have the energy to get out of bed. Nobody who was with me knew what I did. I refused to go to the hospital when told to by the few internet friends who I told the situation to, though I told them ‘it was an accident’. That I ‘accidentally’ took too much extra strength tylenol over time and it reacted with the alcohol. Believable.

Well I started getting better. I’m not sure how the hell that didn’t put me in the hospital or put me in the ground, but I slowly get better even though I was pushing myself too hard and even passed out at Walmart. Nobody could tell I was struggling. Hell, I’m still scared that I’m still in danger. That maybe I really fucked something up. Even up til recently I’ve had little bruises that came from nowhere. And nosebleeds. Thought it was me being anemic like usual but even the iron supplements did next to nothing. Thank goodness I’m noticing it happen less and less.

But nobody could tell the difference between ill Tay and normal Tay. Between severely depressed Tay and ‘normal’ Tay.

Nobody could tell the difference. So I figured I was doing pretty darn great if I can function well enough in society that nobody is bugging me. But ‘functioning well enough’ is still a pretty pitiful existence and I’m not sure how long it will take for people to notice, or if people will even notice until I finally snap.

But I need to stop this stupid isolationist shit. If people know, maybe I won’t have to rely on a simple personality trait to keep me safe. Maybe I’ll be stable enough to reach out for other methods of getting better.

But it’s hard to tell them. The best I can do is screenshot/copypaste this and show it to them because I physically can’t talk about it. My thoughts get scrambled. I get so worked up that I just can’t talk and I’d rather just hide. Writing this was tough.

I’m probably never going to talk about this here again.

Thanks for believing in me. It kinda does help to know that I serve some form of purpose or that I do something that makes people’s lives better. And that, in turn, makes my life better. Not even being sarcastic. Thank you.

But there is a kind of content you guys expect and this is far from it. I’ll get back to it.

🔥🔥🖤I'm Here For You, My Angels🖤🔥🔥

TRIGGER WARNING!!! No pity sympathy or attention I’m not glorifying anything, this is all written by me , and my experiences, yes I’ve always been a girl lol I just dress how I want to !!! 🌙🔥🌟Hey its izzy, My goal is to save help fix care and support and be there for all living and non living things, the universe, the worlds. And the galaxys ans everything. I wanna make my own hotline. Since i already help everyone and everything obsessivly. Ill do anything i can to makw a difference. Stay alice uall im always here.🥀🖤🦋 It’s Izzy again , Hello, don’t be afraid , insanity’s coming to take u away , I’d stay up all night if it meant saving someone’s life , I’d be the super hero in every movie , with a hint of insanity , or maybe all hints lol. I’ve been to 215 mental hospitals, 3 foster homes (2 were abusive) group homes , homeless 13 times, many unlocked/locked , short and long term treatment centers, a level 14 residential treatment center in Utah (Copper Hills Youth Center) , no home from 2011-2018, crisis centers , boarding cares , rehabs and I’m part of the LBGTQ COMMUNITY!!! I’m Izzy (I’ve always been a girl) I’m a biromantic asexual, I hate sex. Don’t date at all,I’m 21 , I have an unbiological son , Anthony Castillo-Martinez, who got taken away from me cuz of false accusations, stay strong yo It’s Izzy here once again Hey if u wanna die tonight , let me convince you otherwise, ur worth it and people are to blind to see that You shine so bright that the sun covers its eyes , trust me I know what it’s like , over 10+ mental illnesses, and trauma occurring 24/7 from 2001-2018, Bipolar isn’t just mood swings , it’s dangerous mania and physcotic breaks Schizoaffective isn’t just voices and visions , it’s possessing and physcotic episodes, ur so out of reality , ur demons come inside u , they become alive , getting paranoid man , there after me , I made a whole world in my head x not knowing reality Anorexia isn’t just an eating disorder, it’s calories and starving yourself and obsessively hating your body , no matter how skinny you get u still feel fat, feeding tubes and passing out and hospitals OCD isn’t just obsessing , it’s fearing something bad will happen if u don’t do what it tells u ODD isn’t just defiance , it’s massive explosions that come out of nowhere BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER isn’t just anger , it’s everything intensified and it’s out of reality spells ADHD isn’t just not concentrating, it’s not knowing who u are at times ,it’s jumping off walls and uncontrollable hyper ness and uncontrollable behavior PTSD isn’t just trauma ,it’s reminders of the trauma , it’s nightmares and flashbacks and it effects ur daily life, trust me I have had trauma occurring 24/7 from 2001-2018 , no pity sympathy or attention , from torture abuse rape , drugged up , anything man I’m non functional INSOMNIA I can’t sleep for days , no matter how many meds I take , I still lie awake , I hate sleep but it is also an escape from reality, I stay up for days , but I’m not intoxicated , I can’t sleep at all. DEPRESSION oh man , I wanna die every day , I’m drowning In an ocean and I can’t swim ,I feel worthless hopeless alone , like I have no reason , it comes at random times , I can’t escape this state of mind , I’m trapped in my mind . ANXIETY is something that u feel like ur crawling out of your skin , panic attacks so bad I got rushed to the hospital , I’m scared 24/7 , anxiety also catches u In ur sleep , u have restless dreams , you feel like u can’t breathe , like everything’s either slowing down or speeding up. ADDICTION AND ALCOHOLISM I’m over 1 year sober from drugs and alcohol , I was getting tortured for drugs , I used 24/7 to numb my pain , the drug was just as addicted to me than I was to it , it was my only friend , I’m on step 2 and I have an amazing sponsor DISSOCIATIVE IDENTITY FUED , I can’t process reality , I dissociate to many alternate universes, I’m out of reality I’m in a dream I feel like I’m in a movie , physically I’m here but mentally I’m not , I’m so far gone .where am I , who am I , what why when am I ?? MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER , am I you or am I , I . I have many alters that switch , the demons possess me , I don’t know who I am, over 50+ alters/demons I become them , we become clueless AUTISM I got diagnosed when I was a kid , I get marked “retarded” but I have high functioning autism (aspbergers) or however the fuck u spell it . I was always in special ed SUICIDE I’ve attempted suicide over 100+ times, and I wanted to never wake up or even be born or exsist , I feel like I’m poison to this earth , and nobody wants me , I wouldn’t care if I didn’t wake up , I’ve been there before, I tried every method of suicide there is , but I learned that suicide ends ur pain but passes it to someone else ,I wanna be painless .if any of are suicidal, plz message me , I’ll stay up all night so I can save your life SELF HARM until u see it bleed and take away all our pain , we continue to make scars and we can’t stop,I’ve been self harming ever since age 9, and I’ve self harmed in every method possible , and I’m not proud of it, I’m not glorifying at all, if any of u feel like hurting yourself plz talk to someone, talk to me .please I know it’s addicting..... I’m here for you all NARCOLEPSY I fall asleep out of nowhere , even In the day, it’s hard man ,I never got put on medication for it cuz my doctor said my medication CAUSED IT !! CRITICALLY/clinically INSANIE Multiple doctors diagnosed me “Critically/Clinically Insane” I’m the most high maintenance case in the system. Now that we’re done here, please don’t go , I’m here to lift u up,I’m here for all u like I said in the beginning of this post . Thank u all for breathing for being alive for being here , I’m tearing up as I write this , i wish I could fix and save all the living and non living c, read the first part of this post again . If u need me I’m here , I’ve always been a girl lol I just dress how I want to .