I’ve been rereading Lockwood and Co with my dad (he’s reading it for the first time) and I’m gone for a couple days and he starts the next book without me, knowing I am thousands of miles away while it sits nice and cozy in front of him (who does audiobooks and is not bound to physical copies). 

you think YOU had a bad day at work?

bonus: sid shrieking "no!!!! NO!!!!!" loud enough to be heard in the stands and on camera

did somebody say dadkarios

Good morning, Sleepyhead.

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One thing that I feel is really interesting and often forgotten about Essek is that fundamentally, his characterization has been from the start based upon his desperation for external perspectives and connection, which, along with much of his narrative and mechanical positioning, means that he actually has an extraordinary and almost (but not actually, as I'll show) counterintuitive capacity for both growth and trust.

(Buckle in. This is a long one.)

In particular, I would argue, knowing now that many places where the plot touches Ludinus have long been marked for connecting back into the current plot, that he was quite possibly built as a prime candidate for radicalization by the Ruby Vanguard. He felt isolated from his culture, he was desperate for other connection, and he was certainly of the type to believe he was too smart to be drawn into such a thing, given his initial belief that he could control the situation and the fallout. If things had gone any other way, he easily could've been on the other side by now.

As such, he has been hallmarked by being fairly open to suggestion, perhaps for this reason, but the thing about that kind of trait is that it is both how people are radicalized and deradicalized. This is certainly true of Essek, who experienced genuine kindness and quite frankly strangeness from the Nein and was able to move from the isolation the Assembly had engendered to meaningful and genuine connection, largely propelled by his own internal reflection. By the time Nein are aware of his crimes, he's already begun to express regret to an extent and, furthermore, doubt in the Assembly, including explicitly drawing a line against Ludinus, even in a position where he was on his own and probably quite vulnerable.

Similarly, when the Nein reach the Vurmas Outpost some weeks later, he has moved from regret for the position he's ended up carrying a heavy remorse. This makes sense! He's fairly introspective, seems used to spending a lot of time in his own head, and was left with plenty to mull over. It's not some kind of retcon for him to have progressed well past where the Nein left him; it just means he's an active participant in the world who has done his own work in the meantime.

This is another interesting aspect to him. I've talked about this a bit before but I cannot find the post so I'll recap here: antagonists in D&D have significantly more agency than allied NPCs. Antagonists are active forces, against which the party is meant to struggle; allies are meant to support the PCs, which means they tend to be more passive in both their actions and their character growth. Essek was both built as an antagonist, in a position that gives him significant agency, and also was then given significant opportunity to grow specifically to act as a narrative mirror for Caleb's arc. Even when he becomes a more traditional D&D ally, he still retains much of that, though he occupies a supporting role.

I believe that this is especially true because of the nature of Caleb's arc, which I've already written on; the tl;dr of this post is that Caleb is both convinced that he is permanently ruined and also desperate to prove that change is possible. Essek is that proof, because he is simply the character in a position to do so. But this also means that his propensity for introspection and openness is accentuated! He has to do the legwork on his own, for the most part, because that's where he is in the meantime.

But he still ends the campaign necessarily constricted; he is under significant scrutiny, he's at risk from the Assembly, and he goes on the run fairly soon after the story ends. He spends most of the final arc anxious and paranoid, which is valid given the crushing reality of his situation. It would be very easy to extrapolate that seven years into this reality, he would be insular, closed off, and suspicious of strangers, even in spite of the lessons he's learned from the Nein and their long term exposure.

So seeing his openness and lightness now is surprising, but at the same time, given this combination of factors in his position in the narrative over time and his defining traits, it's not by any means unreasonable.

But one thing that I found so delightful is how much trust he exhibits, which is obviously a wild thing to say about Essek in particular, given much of what he learns is both earning and offering trust, which was something he says explicitly in 2x124 that he's never really experienced: "I've never really been trusted and so I did not trust." It makes up much of the progression of his relationship with Caleb, and the trust that he is offered by the Nein in walking off the ship is the impetus he needs to grow.

But I think it's easy to talk about trust when it comes to people who have proven themselves to you or to whom you've ingratiated yourself, and that's really the most we can say about Essek by the time he leaves the Blooming Grove. There is this sense in a lot of discussion of trust (not solely in this fandom) that it is only related to either naivete or love, but there's far more to it. Trust at its best is deliberate—cultivating an openness to the world at large is a great way to combat cynicism and beget connection instead. It allows a person to maintain curiosity and be open to experience, but it can be incredibly difficult to hold onto.

It is clear that the Essek we meet now is a very pointedly and intentionally trusting individual. He trusts Caleb and by extension Caleb's trust in Keyleth, as he shows up and picks up a group of strangers from a foreign military encampment and walks in without issue. He trusts the Hells to follow his lead moving through Zadash and to exhibit enough discretion so as to avoid bringing suspicion upon all of them. He trusts that Astrid will respond well to his entrance, but he also trusts himself and the Hells enough to execute a back-up plan in the case that she doesn't. In the end, he even trusts them enough to give them his name and identity.

He doesn't scan as someone who has spent half a dozen years living like a prey animal, afraid of any shadow he runs across in an alley, withdrawn into himself and an insular family, which would've been an easy route for him to take. He scans as someone who has learned the kind of trust borne of learned confidence and a trained eye for good will and kindness, which are crucial weapons one would need for staving off cynicism in his circumstances—as if he has survived thanks more to connection and kindness than paranoia and isolation. (If we want to be saccharine about it, he scans quite poignantly as a member of the Mighty Nein.)

So it is easy to imagine this trust and openness as a natural progression of his initial search for perspectives external to his own cultural knowledge. Though he makes those first connections with the Assembly to try to vindicate his personal hypotheses, he finds in them exposure to the deepest corruption among Exandrian mortals, which could've—and did, for a time—turned him further down that same dark path.

But it's also this same openness to exposure from the wider world that allows the Nein to influence him for the better, and in spite of the challenges he's certainly faced simply surviving over the past seven years, he seems to have held onto this openness enough to move through the world with self-assurance and a willingness to extend the kinds of trust and good will that he has been shown.

(I would be remiss not to mention that I was reminded about my thoughts on this by this lovely post from sky-scribbles and their use in the tags of 'light' to describe Essek's demeanor this episode, which is really such an apt word for it.)

does anyone else get so upset when you think about all the things that happened to your f/o... all the things they went through? all the things they haven't healed from? the pain that they may still be enduring? how you can do your best to help them but you can't protect them from everything. so you just love them the ways they needed before, how they deserved. and you see them happy because they finally accept, at least in some ways, that they do deserve it. they deserve love like all beings do

i am inconsolable

okay so.

Hell's Lust Room.

something about it is making me insane.

something about edwin wearing white clothes, not even stained with his own blood anymore, entering that room and being groped and dragged down, and then shouting for charles to help him.

something about how edwin died in edwardian england, sacrificed to hell because of queerness in some form (simon's internalized homophobia + "mary ann" being a derogatory term for gay men in that time), having zero positive relationships in regards to his sexuality. he had his sexual awakening when the cat king decided to prey on that aspect of him for his punishment, and then later tells monty that he'd thought "those feelings were never to be spoken of."

something about queer sexuality being shamed and silenced so much, we hurt ourselves with it. edwin not fully believing what he says to simon, because simon is able to move on with that forgiveness and edwin gets, once again, dragged to the ground in the lust room. instead of fully realizing that being queer in itself isn't wrong or disgusting, i think that his talk with simon is edwin becoming aware of his own shame and guilt and self-punishment, but he still hasn't entirely let go of it, and i argue this because of—you guessed it—the lust room.

something about edwin growing up being told that sexuality, especially homosexuality, is disgusting and never to be talked about. something about him then having these awakenings and realizations about himself and his feelings for his best friend, which relate specifically and intrinsically to sexuality. and almost immediately after having the realizations that his sexuality is real, he is attracted to men, and he is attracted to his best friend (and the subliminal guilt that entails), he is faced with a viscerally horrifying room full of blood and gore and sex.

something about edwin, wearing all white, being grabbed by the mass of bloody hands. during this scene, he isn't even covered in his own blood anymore. the only blood on him now is what is smeared onto him by the writhing, mindless souls being punished for their desires. what is he supposed to think? in this scene, he becomes literally stained by sexuality, expressed in an animalistic manner. charles doesn't get pulled so roughly into the mess, because edwin is the only one still actively processing the very concept of sexuality, and he hasn't entirely unlearned what he was taught about his own sexuality.

something about edwin's sexuality—not necessarily his homosexuality, just his sexuality—constantly being used to manipulate him. the cat king gets into his head by confronting him with physical attraction. monty very innocently flirts with him, then kisses him, and then leads him into a trap. simon killing him because he had feelings for edwin and didn't know how to handle them. edwin's sexuality has only ever been used against him, and during every single instance, other people have been hurt. knowing this, is it really wrong to assume that a small part of edwin probably saw the horror in that room and thought 'i belong here too'??

AND HE REACHES FOR CHARLES. who drags him out of that gory orgy (...gorgy??) (well. move the G to the front of orgy and you have gory. do with that what you will.) without a second thought. edwin loves charles, and is attracted to charles, and charles has never judged him or shamed him for that. so charles is the only person who could've possibly pulled edwin free.

OH my god we just watched Dr.Who "Human Nature" and "Family of Blood"

uuuumm for the request thing maybe pastel gaster? maybe with the evil goatparents or evil alphys, haha. or maybe even evil temmie lol.

Day 29 - He's studying you with a smile...

I'm sorry I let down my guard.

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While exploring ideas that would demonstrate just how much Bowser enjoys tormenting Mario, I started wondering what was the worst possible thing the Koopa King could do to humiliate him.

And then I remembered this post, and thought: “Oh no.”

...Well, yep. He saw right through Mario and thought it would be fun to brutally expose his feelings and insult him at the same time, just because he can. And Mario, who had already convinced himself long ago that he didn’t stand a chance with the Princess, is rightfully hurt and mortified. :’(

But what will Peach think? There’s still a lot of room for doubt here, and in her view, maybe Bowser is just being an asshole. The tricky part will be for her to have even a semblance of talk with Mario after this. 😔💔

he's waiting on a call he's planning to send straight to voicemail

Okay okay, so there was an ask about photographer y/n being jealous of some siren that Eclipse met. What about other flavours of y/n?

How would Humpback!y/n react to some rival? As they are portrayed as the most chill one of the bunch. Would they be completely unbothered due to their strength and size? Would they get annoyed by the siren?

Would leopard seal!y/n straight up jump into a fight with the siren trying to woo their mate? Would they get scared of being left alone again and imidiatly assume the worst? I imagine that would be a hard situation for them due to the abandonment they experienced from their previous relationship.

Would Harpie!y/n get scared or sad? After all Harpie is the most incapable of ,,defending" their place due to them being a ,,prey"', so I imagine they would feel hopeless in "show off your strength category" Would they went off to find the prettiest pebble for Eclipse? Would they find another way to show the siren they are the boss?

At the end of the day I imagine Eclipse cuddling and comforting his mate as well as assuring them they are his birdie, sending the message to the siren in question as well. But I'm curious how y/ns would react and handle the situation

Sending love!

Ohhh, jealousy!

Humpback Y/N is stoic regarding their jealousy, and though they wouldn't easily give away how green they are, they would silently mull over what Eclipse wants. There's someone of his own kind—not a natural-born enemy. Why have them when he could have someone closer in form to him? Humpback Y/N would act aggressively if such a siren showed up and attempted to woo Eclipse right in front of them, but Y/N would also ponder if Eclipse wants this orca siren when they're apart. Eclipse would gather that something's eating away at Humpback Y/N when they're together and his birdie isn't focused. Once he nudged Humpback Y/N enough to explain, he would be shocked that Y/N hasn't fought this other siren yet if they're so concerned about losing him! Y/N would say they were giving the siren the courtesy of mercy in case Eclipse would be happier. Such a confession would melt Eclipse; he would hold Humpback Y/N's face and tell them he has fought so hard for them. He would keep fighting for eternity just to keep them—don't worry. He's theirs entirely.

Leopard Seal Y/N would be ferocious and fierce to any suitor attempting to steal Eclipse away. Y/N has terrible anguish from the past coming back to life and is tormented by a future where she and her baby are abandoned—again. She would be furious at how much she wants Eclipse to stay for Sedka and for her. An orca siren attempting to sing to Eclipse would result in Y/N lunging for the rival's throat without hesitation. Eclipse would intervene immediately to shoo the other siren away and pull Y/N back. He'd hold her as he demanded to know why in the ocean would she ever try to fight an orca siren who was not attacking her or Sedka? Y/N would be seething before snarling that if Eclipse wants to leave her and Sedka, he should never have stayed with them in the first place! Eclipse would shush her, soothing her until she stopped trying to claw her way back to a violent encounter and tell her how he only wanted her and how he wouldn't trade her and Sedka for the whole world. They are everything he wants and needs, and he would not leave his family.

Harpy Y/N would be in shambles if another orca siren showed interest in Eclipse. Y/N has no way of chasing off a would-be suitor and would be inconsolable at the thought Eclipse decided the orca siren would be a better co-parent than her. She would be frantic and in near panic, watching Eclipse closely for any signs that he was going to take the babies and leave her behind. Mentally, Y/N would prepare a list of reasons to keep her around for him and the baby's sake. Eclipse would notice that she's much more apprehensive than usual and then ask what is causing her such grief. She'd burst out with all the arguments she'd been compiling to let her stay with him and the babies (which Eclipse would agree vehemently with each claim, much to Y/N's building confusion). In tears, she'd be trembling in waiting for his response until Eclipse burst out in laughter. Y/N would stare in her bewilderment. He'd pull her close and kiss her cheek with such adoration at her silliness. He'd tell her softly and gently that she is the only mother of Sun and Moon, and he quite loves Y/N. He would even admit that he has a bit of obsession with her, and no one else, orca siren or otherwise, is going to lead him away from her.

"Colin should have grovelled more!" "Penelope folded too easily"

I think statements like this typically come from people who like Penelope. . .but don't really understand her. And don't really understand just why she cares for Colin, and just why him groveling would not in any way bring her peace.

Penelope and Colin are kindred spirits in their loneliness, in season 3 more than any others. Penelope had lost her friendship with Eloise, and Colin didn't really have a close friend circle to begin with. Except with Pen. Pen was the person he could put the mask down for, could open up to, (in particular with their 'dreams' discussion) and that's why he couldn't even entertain the idea of giving up talking to her in Season 2. She is a vital part of his life, and holds so much significance and importance to him.

I imagine that's what made their silence over his travels especially painful for him. They spent such a long time talking after Season 1, and he even informs her that her letters were so encouraging, that it helped him heal something inside of himself. That if she could see him in a gentle way. . .so could he. (And he repays this, because he is honest to god out here acting and looking at her like she hung the moon in the sky). But without her presence in his life, he spiraled. Didn't feel confident in being who he is, and thus put on his persona more firmly. We know this because he wrote in his journal that "I want to be less needy, less insecure, while still maintaining the core of my vulnerability that makes me who I am". That he misses his family, that he misses home.

And we know, from the books, that Home? Home is Penelope. Penelope is his North Star, is his guiding force, and who I argue he feels he needs. In his very first scene, he looks toward her house, tries to find her in the window. When he does not, he returns to his family. In the outdoor gathering, he looks for her and finds her, eager to talk. He states aloud that he misses her, and I imagine he wrote it, too. Not hearing back from her over the course of his travels was surely something that hurt him, but he doesn't hold any ill will toward her for it, only wants to reconnect again. In fact, the one and only time he brings up how he misses her and that she didn't respond, she makes very clear the reason why: she heard what he said and it hurt her. And he's ashamed of it.

Colin hears her call him cruel, and instead of ruffling his feathers about it, instead of getting upset, instead of having a chip on his shoulder as I feel so many men would about it. . .he understands why she does so.

Penelope is a woman who has been largely treated poorly in her society. She feels unheard, she feels undesired, and in her circumstances, and I can't help but ask myself. . .has anyone ever truly apologized to Penelope for hurting her, before? Her mother? Her sisters? Eloise, likely, but. . .anyone else? And the way Colin did? Because of all the characters in the show, Colin? Colin knows how to apologize. He has a lot of practice in it. And very importantly: Colin, a man of privilege in his society, apologizes. . .predominately to women. To Marina, to his mother, and multiple times to Penelope.

Ultimately, Penelope wants to be heard, Penelope wants to be understood, Penelope wants to feel desired.

And Colin checks every single one of those boxes. He informs he is not who he was before, and then he proves it to her. He hears that he hurt her, and he comments on it directly. An entire night apart, and he comes back to her 'Because I embarrass you' with 'I am most certainly not ashamed of you', replies to her 'I am a laughingstock' with 'you are clever, and warm, and I am proud to call you my good friend'. He hears her proclaim her own insecurities, and empathizes so deeply with her. He listens. He understands. He makes clear that he cares for her, and that she *is* desired. 'You lift my spirits' 'I seek you out at every social assembly'. That she helps him see the world in ways he loves, that he sees HER and how much she has cared for HIM, that she makes him feel appreciated, that he appreciates her, in turn.

And then? Then? He shows her. He tells her, and he shows her. His actions all throughout Season 3 reinforce this apology. He continues looking for her in every corner of every ballroom, he continues complimenting her, he laughs at her jokes and respects her boundaries, he is ever so gentle with her, he listens to her with an attentiveness that no one else has ever given her. To Lady Whistledown? Sure. But to Penelope? Who else in the entirety of that ton has listened to Penelope the way Colin has?

Absolutely no one.

Penelope Featherington ghosts Colin Bridgerton for months with no explanation, and Colin comes back wanting to reach out to her, and she finally tells him why.

And he apologizes. Because he listens. Really, truly listens. And really truly cares.

I need you to understand how rare that is, even nowadays, but especially back then. That Colin is the kind of man who can put his hurt to the side and realize he made a mistake, that he said something callous, and he adores her, and he can't lose her, and he has to see her and make it right.

Because that's why Penelope fell for Colin. Not because he's beautiful, not for his charm, not for his family. But for his heart. Because he shows her kindness in a world that so often disregards her. Because he seeks her out and tries to understand her, truly hears what she has to say and compliments her, says he's sorry and looks at things from her perspective.

Because he saw her when she was invisible.

Penelope Featherington, who grew up in a house that made cruel jabs at her, has Colin Bridgerton come to her and say he regrets what he said, and that he was wrong, and that he understands why she's mad at him. Penelope Featherington who has so rarely had much of anyone tell her that they're sorry for what they said about her, sits before Colin Bridgerton as he professes how much she means to him. That he cannot even spend a full day away from her knowing they're on bad terms with each other without making it right. That he sees how she is hurting and he has to in any way he can amend it. She is lonely, with no one really in her corner at the start of season 3, and she feels like she lost it all, and Colin comes to her and says 'no, I'm here and I appreciate you and you are special to me, please let me in and let me prove it'. Is it any wonder why after she shakes his hand, she stands in the sun, and she feels the warmth of it, she can smile? That she can breathe, again? That she can be truly content for the first time in the season?

Because Penelope Featherington does not want Colin to beg. She knows him. She knows the tender, full heart he hides behind the new cavalier persona. She knows the soft underbelly of Colin Bridgerton.

He never had to grovel. All he had to do was love her. Assuredly. Fervently. Loudly. Unapologetically.

And he does.

There's something so bittersweet about the childhood flashbacks in tua. They were all children together. Reginald was horrible, but they had each other. And then everything went to shit. Five's 13 year old body a bitter reminder of what once was. His siblings in their adult bodies a reminder of how things should've been. God,,,,