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marlynnofmany · 10 months

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Just a Rock

For all the time I’ve spent traveling through space, I haven’t spend much of it actually out in space. It’s unsettling. Inside the ship, I can forget how close the airless void is, how small our precious bubble of air. But outside, everything is black like some vast creature ate all the color in the universe first, then the air, and is now hungering for life forms too.

Sometimes those distant stars look like teeth.

These are the thoughts that tend to pop up when I’m in my exo suit, hoping that my thruster pack doesn’t run out of fuel before I make it back to the ship. But then an empty pack of chips will float by my visor, and I can refocus on business.

That’s how it happened today, at any rate. (And yes, “day” is a silly concept in the blackness of space.) We’d made a detour to see if we could pick up some extra funds by gathering salvage from a museum ship that had gone kablooey, but so far all we were finding was trash.

Paint jetted past in her own exo suit, upside-down to my frame of reference, then stopped to pull apart a jumble of carpet fragments. “They really did clear out the good stuff already,” she said over the radio. She swatted aside a drink cup with her tail, looking like a little space-suited dinosaur, a thought that kept me entertained for a good few seconds.

Captain Sunlight’s voice said, “Keep an eye out for scrap metal. That may already be gone too, but it’s worth a shot.” She was somewhere else in the drifting junk pile, or maybe back near the ship; I couldn’t tell. There was too much stuff in the way. This was a mildly alarming thought — out of sight meant out of safety — but I caught a glimpse of the Frillian twins posted as safety guards at the edge of the cloud, and my heartbeat settled a bit.

“Do you think anyone will buy some mildly used carpet?” Paint asked the captain. “It’s only in several pieces.”

“Let’s go with ‘no.’”

“What about some very exotic — what is this — napkins? Made with authentic Earth wood fibers!”

I looked over at that. “How can you tell?”

“Oh, I have no idea,” Paint said. She held up half of a wall placard. “But this is from the Earth exhibit, so maybe the napkins are too.”

I looked around at the trash in a new light. “Man, it’s a pity we weren’t here for any of the good stuff.”

“Yeah, and all these food packages are empty! We can’t even get you a slightly exploded taste of home!”

I waved my hand through a cluster of soda bottles. “I appreciate the thought.”

Paint jetted over to a different pile of whatever. “Hey, do you think any of this food trash was actually an exhibit? Packaging from olden days?”

“Uh, maybe,” I said. “Probably not. That’s not the sort of thing I’d expect on a multi-species museum ship. A janky little humans-only one, maybe. But even then, most people aren’t going to care.”

Something clunked against the back of my helmet. I hate that. Nothing like a reminder that I can’t see behind me like some species can. I toggled the jets to rotate in place, so I could find the offending object.

It was a rock.

“What’s this doing here?” I asked, closing a gloved hand around it and bringing it in for a closer look.

“What’d you find?” Paint asked, sticking out sideways from behind a twisted bench.

“A rock.”

“A meteorite rock?” she asked. “Oh hey, do you think it pierced the hull?”

“No, it doesn’t look like a space rock,” I said, turning the small gray-and-white lump over. It was mostly smooth, with a divot that would have fit a fingertip if I hadn’t been wearing the gloves. “Weird. I wonder if it was part of some Neolithic exhibit or something.”

“Can I see?” Paint jetted over to park herself in roughly the same orientation as me. She was very good with that jetpack.

I showed her the rock. “It doesn’t look like any gemstone I know. Maybe some kid had it in their pocket, then threw it away.”

Paint cocked her head. “Is that normal, for your young to carry rocks around?”

“Sure. You never picked up something you thought was neat as a kid?”

“Not a rock,” Paint said with exaggerated disdain. “A sweet-smelling seednut or herb, absolutely.”

“But look: it’s even got a little finger groove,” I pointed out. “You could stick it in a pocket and rub it for luck.”

“Could you?”

I smiled. “You could. You probably wouldn’t, but…”

“Why?”

I looked at the rock again, already fond of it. “I get the feeling that I couldn’t explain this to a point where you’d agree.”

Paint shrugged. “Probably not. But hey, we found you a souvenir after all. From probably the Earth section of whatever museum this is.” She grabbed a handful of colorful pamphlets drifting by. “The ‘Galaxy in a Bottle Museum Tour Ship.’ Who named that?”

My smile turned into a wide grin. “Humans.”

Paint grumbled about the unflattering comparison of an elite starship to a simple bottle. When she moved to toss the pamphlets away, I held out a hand.

“What’s that white one?” I asked. “It looks like a display sign.”

Paint flipped over the stack and separated the one I meant. “You’re right. Hey, it’s about a rock!”

I reached out a grabby hand. “Gimme.”

She passed it over. “Is it that rock?”

I read the title, then was gut-punched by familiarity. I’d heard about this. “Yes,” I managed, skimming the rest of the sign and holding the rock close. “This is Bethan’s Rock.”

“What?”

I fumbled to explain. “Ages ago, a kid visited a museum — a human kid — and learned what museums were for, then offered her favorite rock as a donation, so other people could appreciate it too.”

Paint cocked her head in the other direction. “And they took it?”

“Yes!” I must have looked a little wild at this point, but I didn’t care. “The adults agreed that it was a fine thing to donate, not to mention adorable, and the only one of its kind that I’ve ever heard of. More museums should house the occasional favorite rock, though I suppose they wouldn’t be as special if they did.”

“So just to clarify,” Paint said. “There isn’t anything valuable about this rock, except that one of your youths decided there was. And all the adults played along.”

I smiled down at it, careful not to let it drift away. “It’s the most precious non-precious stone I’ve ever seen.”

Paint stared for a moment. “It’s not even one of those shiny ones you like.”

I laughed. “I know!”

The captain called us back in at that point, having found one decent chunk of metal among the mountains of trash. We had a schedule to keep.

I folded the sign and tucked it into my suit pocket, but held the rock tight in my fist as I jetted toward the ship, working the controls with one hand. I was already thinking of the safest place in my quarters to keep it until we got ahold of the proper Earth museum authorities. Other humans would want to see Bethan’s Rock, after all, but it would be my honor to watch over it until they could.

~~~

(Inspired by this post. Long live Bethan’s Rock.)

These are the ongoing backstory adventures of the main character of this book. More to come!

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joyswonderland1108 · 1 year

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Ara Ara

I’m just popping in to “clear” a debate, as i said before it’s exhausting to write long posts but my hands itch to write something anytime i see stuff going on. One of the reasons why it’s always better to be in the “not sure” zone instead of completely denying something that one may not even have knowledge about. Let’s get started shall we?

So Jimin, precious Mimi, beautiful Jimim, my beloved child (he’s older than me but shush) came live yesterday to share his emotions with us about his amazing achievement, his well deserved achievement, the slap on the face of haters who instead of working on making their favs rise to some level they decided to invest time and energy into trying to make other people win just to not only fail but let down their own favs 🤦🏻‍♀️ Well Jimin said “Fuck all your opps” anyways so

Now i don’t want to focus on the part where you can oh so very clearly hear a “ 빨리가“ at the very beginning (Surprisingly enough this girl actually understands some Korean don’t underestimate her) i wanna be realistic here, while i’ve seen some people wondering if they’ve heard a ppo-ppo sound i honestly don’t think so at all, i’m sticking with the the first one and the lights situation going on too but even that i’m not gonna focus too much on it, and for reference :

Moving on to our main subject which is the gaming chair, or chairs in that case

And as my bestie said and i quote “It doesn’t mean anything yet Jimin grabbed the phone like a hot potato“ i mean chile why would he panic, it’s just a chair right? WRONG!

Just to clarify, for people who may have thought that was JK’s chair from the studio, Jimin’s chair is an Arena and JK’s chair is an Akracing.. With an Arena cushion 👀

Well the point is no it’s not the chair from the studio but does that change the fact that Jimin has a second GAMING chair? No. Well, yes and no, lemme explain.

“It’s just a second chair he could be having one for if friends come over” key word here: IF. You may or may not know that there’s this unspoken rule where, despite having a spare chair or even 10 spare chairs, they don’t go with the setup, they go to a storage room or the garage or wherever you can put it away and take it out when needed, because why tf would there be a second or third chair chilling out there when the possibility of having gamer friends coming over is always questionable.

Speaking of gamer friends, have y’all seen a gamer in real life? they don’t even need to be in the same place everybody plays from home and they chat through their headsets. No matter how rich you are or how much you can afford expensive gaming chairs, a gaming set up is precious to its owner, one just doesn’t mess up with their set up, if you’re alone, you game alone, you put ONE chair. If you do happen to have a spare chair and a gamer friend decides to visit you THEN whip out the chair from where it was stored if you don’t have a spare one, the friend can literally sit anywhere, on the floor for all i know who tf cares.

Now i’ll be sharing this link with y’all so you can check it out yourself, just not to say that i picked out what i wanted or what fit the narrative and left out the rest :

See how gorgeous the set ups are? See how very expensive looking they are? (Well as a matter of fact they ARE expensive) See how neat they are? Notice something? Well actually you’ll notice two things :

1- Almost all of the setups have one chair like this one :

And where you can’t see the chair are tinier desks that can so very obviously fit one chair

2- The three setups that are designed for a “pair” are the following ones :

“Side-by-Side Couple PC Setup“

“His and Hers Wall-Mounted PC Setup“

“Father-Son Star Wars Gaming Room”

Notice something in common there? Basically all the “pair” setups are meant for two or more people who game and are living under the same roof, a couple, siblings, or parents-kids. Mind you even if you do have a partner but they don’t game, your setup will NOT be a “pair” setup, as i said above, those are precious, they’re almost sacred lol there’s an aesthetic to them, there’s a whole architecture going on there, so we’re not messing that up by adding a random second chair for a friend or friends who are barely there.

Do whatever the fuck you want with this information, but i hope that with this added “knowledge” people would stop with their “that’s not a big deal” bullshit, i see you, that one person who posted that lame ass excuse on Twitter. With that being said.. STREAM FACE!!!

#jikook #y'all aren't so sneaky damn lol #Kookmin #minkook #Minggukie #What's new really? Just another Tuesday

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obey-me-headquarters · 5 months

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hihihi rereading your stuff as i often do and. i need more barbatos/mc/diavolo/lucifer stuff in the world.

So let’s elaborate on that dynamic you talked anout in one lf your posts.

VOUYER BARBATOS BUT. Vouyer Barbatos with the magically linked bodies I talked about last ask. So Diavolo is fucking Lucifer while Lucifer pleasures MC, and MC is linked up to Barbatos while he is watching you guys. I honestly don’t even think he’s thinking about the pleasure he’s experiencing, he’s getting off on the fact that he knows what you’re feeling like. He’s giving you tea and sipping his own, he lffered some to Lucifer and Diavolo but they declined.

Or for a different scenario, Barbatos’ three sadistic masters. Link him up to all THREE of you and make him watch you guys fuck. Make sure he has to stay in place. I love being mean to him (I have no further elaborations but maybe you do?).

also I think Lucifer should get soft sex. as a treat. (again nothing else to say but if you do. 👂👂👂)

That is all, have a good day :).

Hi hello!! Firstly, thank you for rereading my stuff! And also, I’m sorry! I know there’s a ton of spelling and grammar mistakes in a lot of my stuff! I’ve been trying to go back and fix them, but I know some have fallen through the cracks.

I’m also a very big fan of Barbatos/Mc/Diavolo/Lucifer, the group just works so well together!

I really like the idea of Barbatos being magically linked to someone, and is able to feel what they’re feeling. That’s a really neat concept! I do think Barbatos gets off on being just a fly on the wall. That he’s just here to help and serve, not be pleasured in return.

I’m also a really big fan of hooking Barbatos up to all three of you and have him sit on the sidelines. Bonus points if Barbatos is still supposed to be in his “serving” role, as in, he’s still expected to be there to offer tea and help reposition people. Normally Barbs is pretty good at keeping his head clear when serving, even when he has a vibrator and nipple clamps on, but being linked up to not one but three people is a bit much for the butler and it’s not long before he sinks to his knees and turns into a squirming mess.

Now you have to punish the naughty demon.

I also like the idea of magically linking Barbatos to Diavolo and over stimulating the hell out of the prince. I subscribe to the headcanon that Barbs can take denial, but not overstimulation, and Diavolo can take overstimulation but not denial. So while you’re ringing out orgasms from a very happy prince, Barbs is shaking and gripping onto the bedsheets for dear life. Bonus points if you’re rewarding Diavolo and punishing Barbs.

Also, yes Lucifer should get all the soft sex!! He deserves it for being a single mother to 6 very chaotic demons :)

Thank you for the ask! You have a good day too!

#obey me #ask #my post

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hoolay-boobs · 1 year

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MAAAARIIIIII

I need your help.

Ok so, How to write?

I told you that I write, right? Well actually I didn't write them properly. I wrote them in screenplay format.. Now I want to write them properly but I don't know how 😭😭 my mind is blank.. Even when I manage to think up on how to write, it's so shit.. I have so many ideas but I have no clue on how the heck am I supposes to put them out.. Do you have any advice? How do you usually write? Please help.

*casually implodes* alright. Okay. Excellent.

This just might be the best ask I’ve ever received. I’ve always wanted to teach others how to write, I’m really passionate about writing stuff, and I’m majoring in education in university rn, so I sure hope I can answer this well lmao

But, nevertheless, I finally have the opportunity:

✨ Mari’s Writing Crash Course that I may or may not have composed while tipsy: a short guide to novel formatting ✨

There’s only, truly, three factors that are the most noticeably important: Formatting, Dialogue and Writing Voice.

You said you’ve been writing in screenplay format? Immaculate. You’re already halfway there. If you know how to write ANYTHING (short stories, novels, screenplays) you already- hopefully- understand the basis of composing stories. Character arcs, plot lines, worldbuilding, etc. I’m not getting into ANY of that, bc your ask referred to formatting and formatting only. I gotcha luv.

The Step One: The Key to Novel Formatting

You’ve already written in screenplay format before. That’s great. You’re already, like, more than halfway there. I’ve tried screenplaying before, but I never got that far in. Not my best medium.

I’m assuming what you’ve worked on before looks like this (format wise, not content wise lmao)

Caps lock indication, space down, and dialogue.

Well here’s the neat thing: novel writing, while very different from screenplays, is much closer to screenplays with more detail:

Caps lock indication, italicized setup, space down, and dialogue.

OTHER THAN describing the camera angles, this has very similar content to a novel: describing portions (sometimes equal portions, usually not) of both dialogue and descriptions.

So! Remove the caps lock indication on who’s speaking, make that italicized setup into the flow of a paragraph, remove all the stuff on camera angles, and put that dialogue under quotation marks.

Now it looks like this:

OH WOW! IT LOOKS LIKE A NOVEL NOW!!

Don’t overthink it: you just take your same thoughts from your screenplay format, and then… transfer it. Piece of cake 🍰

The sub-category of Part One; Part One Extended I guess: Present or Past Tense

What tense do you want your novel to be written in? Present tense? Past tense?

I used to say, “ ALL books are written in past tense. Because as the reader, we’re looking into a story that has already been written. If a book is in present tense, that means the story is unfolding, that means the author is writing it while we’re reading it, and that’s impossible since we’re holding the copy of the book in our hands. NO books should be written in present tense 😡👎”

And then I opened up The Hunger Games and saw it was in present tense.

So it looks like I’m just wildly wrong about that.

I will say tho, most books are written in past tense. And that might, or might not, be more comfortable for the reader and writer. However, it is up you. Contrary to my former opinion, there is no right or wrong tense for your book to be in.

Here is a visual guide:

Once you pick one, though, stick with it. Jumping between past and present these, UNLESS it’s for any stylistic choice (character’s flashbacks, time travelling, etc.) will most likely be awkward to read.

The Step Two: The Importance of properly formatting dialogue

Quotation marks go THROUGHOUT a sentence.

“Why don’t you guys go look at my taco salad post” and “she said” is all ONE BIG SENTENCE.

“Why don’t you guys go look at my taco salad post.” She said. ❌

“Why don’t you guys go look at my taco salad post,” she said. ✅

Each dialogue before the end of the sentence completes with a comma instead of a period. Exclamation marks and question marks can be used in whatever dialogue format, since they’re tone indicators. There aren’t strict rules for tone indicators.

Commas and periods aren’t really tone indicators, so there’s a quick key on how to write that stuff:

Remember, if dialogue ends with a “she said” “she exclaimed” “she spoke” etc. etc. etc. it’ll be part of the same sentence. But, if dialogue ends with an action “she walked to the door” “she took a forkful of that taco salad” etc. etc. etc. it’ll be an entirely new sentence.

THIS is what it looks like:

Also, not every set of dialogue needs to have an end quote to it. This is what that looks like:

I mean, you could but brackets in dialogue. But I just want to warn you: I read a book like that, can’t recall the author’s name, and it distracted me greatly from the characters, plot, atmosphere, etc. I’d stay away from that.

The Step Three: The Writing Voice

So what is narrative voice, anyways?

This is essentially how you form your entire story. The tone, emotion, and descriptions of your story.

I know, I know, the idea that every single word you use reveals your writing style might sound daunting, but trust me, writing voice comes naturally. As long as you let it come naturally.

Essentially: people who know you really well, your closest friends and family, who recognize your quirks, your colloquialisms, and your speech patterns, will most likely recognize your writing style. Because it will sound like you.

And that’s all writing voice is. Your own style. Even this answer I typed out for your ask, it’s in my writing style. It’s in my voice. It’s a blend of eloquent words, long sentences, and a dash of humour here and there. My novel, albeit sounding obviously much different than me making a post on tumblr, also sounds like this. To an extent.

You write like how you speak, even if you’re writing from a specific character’s perspective.

An example is Rick Riordan’s writing sounds wildly different from Becky Chamber’s writing. Even though they’re both talented and hard working, excellent writers. Every book looks different Every book sounds different. Every book feels different.

So, how do you find your own writing style?

Of course, a published novel of yours will sound different than your personal diary. But, those differences aside, they both have your voice. So let yourself speak, let yourself write.

Your story is going directly from your brain, to your laptop screen, or pen and paper, or whatever. Let yourself get into it. Sometimes I read what I’m writing out loud. Sometimes I don’t. Do not overthink your writing voice, or try to force your novel to sound more formal, or more casual, or more poetic, or more or less descriptive, or more wordy. Just let it be.

The more you write, and the more drafts you create, you’ll find your writing voice without even needing to search around for it.

There is a website called, I Write Like This. You can copy and paste passages of your writing, a few hundred words at a time if you want, and it’ll analyze your flow of descriptions, dialogue, punctuation, and match it up with whatever famous author your voice sounds similar to.

I copy and pasted my entire second chapter, a few thousand words, and this is my badge:

My writing voice is similar to our beloved @neil-gaiman . Of course, our writing voice is not identical, as no two authors ever are, but the flow of the writing, the mood, the tone, the energy… it’s a little bit on the same page.

The bonus step four: write shit 💩

You said you write shit?

Good.

Write shit.

This is odd advice to give, I know. But when I say write shit, I mean as a start.

If you had sent an ask saying, “I’ve NEVER touched a pen, paper, or laptop in my life, I don’t know how to write!!” I’d be… daunted. Not an impossible task, but a daunting one. Just slightly harder to get into, slightly harder to give advice for.

I’d much rather you write like shit than not write at all. The hierarchy goes like this:

Good writing >>> shit writing >>> not writing at all.

I can’t remember where I heard this from, but to quote, “you can edit a poorly written page, but you can’t edit a blank page”.

So go, my lovely Sana. Be free. Write all the shit in the world. Fill up your pages. Get writers cramp. Get writers block. Recover from writers block. Make typos. Make messes. Write glorious, delicious, silly, stupid, and beautiful things. Your first draft is not supposed to be perfect. The time will come for pristine, polished, ready-to-be-published writing, and you do not need to rush into there. At all.

Write shit 💩 New-writing is the most necessary shit in this world.

#asks #answered ask #my beloved mutual #writing #writblr #writeblr #writing tips #writing advice #how to write #writing community #neil gaiman #writing asks #writers on tumblr #writers #books #novel writing

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noctuascion · 5 months

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i have been doing very important research about a specific HC from izbubbles on twitter and nicktoonsunite on tumblr about danny having episodes where he’ll bleed ectoplasm ( usually in the form of vomiting ) and i’d been wanting to do a take on this HC for awhile now, but i wanted to make sure i was educated enough before doing so. so i spent all day yesterday researching both actual blood disorders and also paranormal ectoplasm. hurray me.

and i haven’t actually posted anything on this acc in literal ages, but i wanted to share it just in case the DP fandom was at all interested in what i have to offer. it’s not all 100% factual, but it’s a series where a guy can turn into a ghost whenever he wants. cut me some slack on inconsistencies or stuff that’s just blatantly incorrect.

anyway, enough dilly dallying. izzy’s original HC is pretty straightforward: danny can get a build-up of ectoplasm when he doesn’t transform for awhile and will have episodes where he vomits up the excess, and while i’m not opposed to that, i don’t want to outright copy their neat idea. so, i’ve actually made up two different terms for my danny HC: “ghost hemophilia” and “ghost anemia,” essentially copying the naming scheme of ghost acne.

however, before i can get into that, i want to talk about how i think ectoplasm could possibly work in the DP universe.

now, it acts an awful lot like human blood does, but obviously ghosts don’t really need to have blood like humans do. ectoplasm, in the paranormal sense, is what allows ghosts to interact with the physical world. in the DP universe, i think ectoplasm does just that, but if they run out of it, then they’ll be unable to interact with the physical world ( “ghost anemia” would be the term used here; essentially it’s just a ghost’s lack of ectoplasm causing them issues in interacting with the physical world: they still can, but they’ll become intangible at random intervals ).

now we’ll move onto plasma, which is the liquid part of our blood. it’s where our red and white blood cells and platelets are, and i think it would work similarly in ghosts, though it holds the components that allow ghosts to interact with the physical world instead ( and in danny’s case, probably red and white blood cells and platelets as well, seeing as he’s still capable of getting sick, but he’s also just a biological mystery in general, so take that with a grain of salt ). a deficiency in plasma causes hemophilia, and hemophilia causes copious amounts of bleeding from even minor wounds due to a deficiency in platelets being unable to clot the wound. a deficiency in plasma in ghosts could cause “ghost hemophilia,” which then could cause “ghost anemia.”

tl;dr plasma deficiency in ghosts causes “ghost hemophilia,” which causes any minor wounds sustained to excessively bleed, and thus causes “ghost anemia,” which makes it difficult for ghosts to remain tangible.

plasma ( paranormal ): keeps together all of the components allowing ghosts to remain tangible.

ghost hemophilia: excessive leaks in ectoplasm from wounds.

ghost anemia: an occurrence where a ghost will struggle to remain tangible when there is a deficiency in ectoplasm.

ectoplasm: a ghost’s “blood.” allows the ghost to remain tangible in the human world.

i think i’ve simplified the terms best as i can! what does this mean for danny, though? since he has both human and ghost DNA? well, this is the rocky part, since danny is such a biological discrepancy, but with the ghost acne episode, i’m lead to believe that half-ghosts are able to have one issue in one form but not the other ( that example being vlad having ghost acne as a human but not as a ghost ).

danny having a plasma deficiency could be caused by transforming too quickly after fights and not allowing his ghost form to fully recover the lost ectoplasm, causing that plasma deficiency, which will then domino into the other ectoplasm disorders i’ve explained! so, what does that mean for danny’s human form? well, while vlad had ghost acne as a human, it still affected his ghost form to a certain degree, i.e. making him weaker. ghost acne is lethal, however, and ghost hemophilia and anemia are not ( at least not to a ghost they aren’t ). danny’s ghost form having ghost hemophilia can cause sudden bleeding from different orifices in human danny’s body ( eyes, nose, ears, mouth ) and while harmless on its own, it is a very notable issue, because when he transforms again, he’ll struggle to remain tangible. if it’s an especially bad episode, he could completely bleed out and experience “second death,” which is essentially a ghost becoming completely unable to interact with the physical world, only heard through speech.

because danny is such an oddity, i want to say having an episode where ectoplasm bleeds into his human form will force a transformation and give him an episode i haven’t actually named just yet ( i’m thinking maybe “ghost down” ). his physical body will become more or less a “husk” and still excrete ectoplasm. because of a forced transformation, it will cause what looks like a complete freak out and like danny’s in pain when he’s actually not; he actually can’t feel anything, which emulates a “second death” but isn’t actually what’s occurring. he doesn’t reach second death until his ectoplasm is completely gone and he starts fading through things.

i’ll try to explain it in more simple terms, just in case i lost the plot a little there: if danny doesn’t let his ghost form recover lost ectoplasm, then he will have a “ghost down,” caused by a plasma deficiency that triggers ghost hemophilia and anemia. if he has a ghost down, he goes into an almost comatose state where he’ll continuously lose ectoplasm until he experiences second death and start fazing through things.

now, how does danny recover ectoplasm? his body will naturally do so. because ghosts are still sort of an enigma in the scientific world of DP, that means the knowledge they have on them is pretty limited, so unless i start coming up with things the fentons could potentially do, i’ll just say his body will naturally recover it. how to keep him contained when he’s experiencing ghost down? well, we’ve seen numerous occasions where ghosts have been locked down with anti-tangible equipment, danny himself included. the fentons ( since they know his identity by the end of the series ) could possibly make something specifically for danny when he has a ghost down. sort of like a containment area where ghosts can’t faze through it. sorta like the cage we saw during one of the dani episodes, i believe. the one jack got stuck in, actually.

when ghost down occurs, danny just sorta has to ride it out in the containment area, and the chance of experiencing second death is high but not always guaranteed.

i think i’ve mostly gotten everything i wanted to write out here??? obviously forgive any inconsistencies or things that don’t make sense. i have more where i have most of this stuff written down and thought through, but i did eventually start thinking of things as of writing this post. i’ll probably write a fic about this in the future honestly?? i’m not sure. i haven’t written one of those in literal ages. feel free to share any opinions you might have about this and whatnot. i’m not the most brilliant of writers, but hopefully some of this is of interest to some of you. peace. ♡

#danny phantom #long post #GOD this was a long post #again shoutout izzy for putting this idea in my head #i haven’t had this much fun writing out an HC in years #especially not one so thoroughly thought through #you should check them out. i wrote their socials at the beginning of this post #phenomenal art and also just a friendly individual!#apologies for the ramble to the 4 people following me. it’ll probably happen again #reeeeally hope the ‘more’ function works like i think it does otherwise i’m so sorry to everyone who gets this on their feed #and rip the danny phantom tag i’m so sorry

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inkdemonapologist · 1 year

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what did you think of batdr?

So, grain of salt, at time of writing, I have not played or watched BatDR all the way through; I got it liveblogged to me by a friend (which honestly was an ideal experience) and then watched some cutscenes. INITIAL FEELINGS SUBJECT TO CHANGE.

When BatDR’s release date was announced, I told friends that I thought it was going to be a pretty tight balancing act – if BatDR was REALLY GOOD, it could kill the enthusiasm for the fandom; yknow, a lot of times when you get what you actually want out of a story, the fervour fades. If BatDR was REALLY BAD, I could become too embarrassed about this franchise and not enjoy playing in it anymore. It has to be the perfect balance of messy and unresolved, but not TOO sloppy or thoughtless, and unfortunately for my ability to stop thinking about it, I think it kinda nailed it. BatDR has some heartfelt and startlingly compelling ideas that it executes sort of incoherently, which makes it FASCINATING.

The joke I keep making is that it’s not a sequel, it’s not a prequel, it’s a fanfiction. And I don’t mean that as a diss – it has a fanfic off-the-rails willingness to commit to a wild, self-indulgent take and just go with it, and I think that’s great. But it’s also sort of… disconnected from the original BatIM, in a way? It doesn’t follow BatIM’s themes at all when you think about it. Conflicts and questions in the original game (the downfall of the Studio, Who Was The True Creator Of Bendy, etc.) are strangely brushed aside in this game, rather than developed or resolved.

Which is why you get weird things like, there’s a REAL ACTUAL NEAR-PERFECT TOON BENDY wandering around, but the original BatIM characters (Joey, Henry, Sammy; people you’d expect to have some kind of big feelings about a true toon Bendy) don’t ever get to interact with him because their feelings on toon Bendy aren’t the point here. BatDR explains what the loop in BatIM was, but that’s not something you discover yourself, because the loop is obsolete now – it’s just explained briefly in order to get to the real focus of this game, Joey Drew having a daughter. Even before you get to timeline questions/possible inconsistencies, the game feels less to me like an actual sequel that builds on the previous game, and more like a neat AU with its own headcanons bouncing off of and interpreting the previous game.

Anyway, some random specific thoughts that come to mind:

They really coulda done something with the family theme if they’d just had Wilson go ahead and say who he was early on. Why did that have to be a surprise? I don’t think saving it really added anything.

Everything about Audrey being Joey’s daughter is AMAZING and I can’t stop thinking about this. Absolutely fascinating development. Have a lot of conflicting feelings on how this was handled but THATS FOR ANOTHER POST; I really do like this, though.

"Something he had always wanted, but could never have: A family." SO JOEY'S LIKE, CANONICALLY GAY IN THE GAMES TOO NOW, RIGHT??? THAT'S PRETTY CLEAR CUT????? LIKE ITS THE MOST OBVIOUS REASON JOEY COULDNT HAVE A FAMILY BEFORE??? HES A GAY SINGLE DAD!!!!

I RLY LIKE THE DESIGNS FOR HENRY AND JOEY. I was surprised to find that the way my brain parsed them was like, they’re the designs for the BatDR AU. Like BatDR is a new fan showing off their designs for their crew, and I’m drawing fanart for their cool AU.

The Ink Demon/ Bendy stuff uh, resolved very strangely. Am very into Bendy and the Ink Demon being the same entity but wish that had been explored a little more!

I actually like Sammy’s cameo(s). I’ve always gotten the feeling that the creators of BatIM were never entirely sure what we all saw in Sammy, so if they didn’t have anything they were particularly hyped to do with him, I think cameos were the right call. The Subject 418 moment is PERFECT. NO NOTES. His 5 seconds before getting shot at the end is like, it’s silly that he died immediately and we all joke about it, but also there’s an element of OH, IM SO GLAD HE GOT TO BE HERE FOR THIS for me, too.

GENT being all OOOOO LOOK AT ALL THEIR SUPER UNETHICAL SCIENCE, LOOK HOW SINISTER THEY ARE is kinda uninteresting to me. Something like, a single audiolog going “huh, that’s weird, when GENT left for their new building, all the ink left, too….” would be way more unsettling than explicit confirmation of GENT taking over and doing lethal human experimentation. And like, idk, I feel one of the things that made BatIM compelling was that it had all these spooky tropes, but motivated by a startlingly mundane desire – people believing in a cartoon so strongly that it accidentally veers into unhinged science and dark occult worship along the way. As soon as they’re just doing normal unethical science with ambiguous motives that seem totally disconnected from the studio, it becomes kinda generic.

Nothing about Wilson is coherent, to the extent that I honestly wonder if the original plan for Wilson was different and he had to be shuffled around for some reason.

What else happened in this game….. Im glad alice got a murder party but I don’t know why she’s here. That One Scene with her and Allison feels very fanservicey but not in a bad way lmao.

Probably other stuff but I think this post is long enough!!

#batdr spoilers #batdr #we all write on the walls #i started talking about wilson and it immediately turned into two paragraphs so MAYBE I'LL COME BACK TO THAT LATER LMAO #what a wild game to exist

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go-to-the-mirror · 1 year

Text

I really wanted to draw for this episode, but my head's been kind of messed up lately, so I'm just gonna ramble I guess. I've been so excited for this episode :3

Firstly, this is one of my absolute favourite episodes ever, and I Will Not shut up about it, because it's so good! Literal suburban hellscape!! To be honest I relate a little more to the other themes in this episode, being quiet fear, no one knowing or caring that you died in some supernatural suburban hell, and your body is just rotting there. An irrelevant name, an irrelevant face, just another victim of this place. Spooky stuff! Not too afraid of suburbs themselves lol, though I doubt many are.

This episode is SO neat! :D Right, on with the ramble/analysis because I have GREAT words for this episode.

@a-mag-a-day

Content warnings for everything in this episode + some themes of domestic violence/abuse.

Before we go ahead with the episode, here are some highlights from text conversations.

WHEN YOU CANT TRUST COMFORT!! (MAG 162, MAG 170, MAG 181, MAG 186, MAG 187 (to an extent)) MAG 150 (I love Cul-de-Sac and will never shut up about it) MAG 188 but when Jon' talking about how The Lonely is familiar to Martin and how the suburbia domains have quiet suffering (Will never be over that actually i have So Many Feelings) MAG 32 I can make a little quote thig one second actually because I have Thoughts god i'd be so cool on tumblr but i'm too anxious to post there, this is a tragedy [...] "I was going to die. I knew that now, just as she had, just as anyone else who came here had. How many corpses lay waiting behind the placid façade of this endless false suburbia?" Screaming Every time I think about cul-de-sac it becomes even more my favourite statement

(Messages to Mapleejay, 22 December, 2022)

One day I am going to write a statement and it's going to be like eye, lonely, idk, but it's definitely going to be eye and lonely and it's going to be so horrifying because combination false comfort + THAT being desperate for help people watching and laughing and judging but passing by + that line from cul-de-sac I'm obsessed with [...] Being lonely isn't just about being alone physically Being alone in an uncaring crowd [...] No one knows or cares what you're dealing with The line from cul-de-sac is "Her face was bloody but I was sure I didn't recognize her. She had a bag with her, and her ID read "Yetunde Uthman," not a name I'd ever encountered before. Just another victim of this place" but also "How many corpses lay waiting behind the placid facade of this endless false suburbia?" And "I checked to see if I could find anything out about Yetunde Uthman, and I did find a few old social media profiles, but I wasn't able to get through to any family or friends. As far as I can tell she disappeared a year ago and nobody noticed."

(Messages to Mapleejay, 29 December, 2022)

Now, onto the actual reaction, posting it on tumblr dot com because I am no longer too anxious! Hell, I might even post the previously mentioned compilation of quotes with commentary! Fun times.

You’re all alone, trying to connect with people, trying to find your place in the world, but in the end the only person you really know is yourself, and even then, not all that well. There’s plenty of things I’ve done I couldn’t explain to you.

Shout out to that time my sister tried to convince me that she knew me better than I knew myself. Not in a malicious way, mind, we were kids, and she just figured that because she could remember more of my life, she knows me more.

Yeah, I mean, I guess it's for everyone I guess, but here I am with my impulsivity and memory issues having no idea why the hell I did so many of the stupid things I've done. You whole life is just justifying to yourself the decisions you've made, so maybe I'm just not grand at that /hj.

“What an idiot! How the hell could he have done such an obviously stupid thing? How was I surprised it went so badly? What a relief I’m now so much older and wiser.” Except that last part never really turns out to be true, does it? The line of when you were your dumb younger self seems to keep moving forward with you, until each more mature and reasonable version of you eventually falls foul of it and becomes a young idiot.

A year ago, I thought I had really worked on my anger and just become an all-round nicer person to be around, and then I look back and realize that yes, my anger was still very much there, and also that I was quite... passionate? I am still, I'm pretty loud, it comes with the territory, and that can be misinterpreted as or become anger, given the right (or wrong) circumstances.

It's not really worth it, is it. I can berate myself from 4 years ago for being an angry, clingy little prick, but there's not really a point anymore. I understand them, I understand why fae was angry and clingy and sort of mean, and now I know how to not be angry and clingy and mean, and being angry at your younger self really doesn't accomplish anything. This is @ jon sims, pull yourself together man.

The thing is, when we both found ourselves in positions to be working from home, we actually thought it was going to be really good for our relationship. The two of us, spending all our time together; we reckoned it was going to be real romantic. We were real stupid back then.

If I know anything from the statistics of domestic violence in the pandemic, then yeah no. No. Not that their relationship was abusive or anything.

Also, I like how Herman goes from saying how believing you're much older and wiser is a lie, to saying that they were really stupid "back then," there's something in that. I don't know what.

Hell, technically it’s not even a suburb. It’s just a village that looks so much like a suburb that you could pull it up drop it on the edge of any dull town in England and it would look the same.

Can't believe the suburban hellscape episode isn't even set in a suburb.

Just street after street of identical, blandly pleasant houses, all winding around each other in dead ends and cul-de-sacs and one-way streets, making sure every house has plenty of inoffensive garden. I’ve never seen people happily living in a place so obviously dead.

CAN I QUICKLY TALK ABOUT GRASS?

Grass, the short lawn grass, it's not great. It is bad for the environment actually. Suburbs slash neg.

Just that last bit of that paragraph. Real.

I’d say that cheating on him was a foolish act of past me, but honestly, it’s one of the few decisions I’ve ever made that I completely understand. I didn’t even try to hide it, not really, and when he found out and it all ended, I kind of hated myself for just how relieved I was that I’d finally be able to leave that place, to get in my car and drive away from that gentle suburban nightmare.

I like that phrase, "gentle suburban nightmare."

I got a cheap apartment in Liverpool and tried to tell myself I was happier. The single life, footloose and … sitting at home binging bad TV. I tried to get back into the club scene, but honestly, I think I’m just too old now. The music was too loud, the drinks were too expensive and the sort of thing I used to take to be dancing all night now hit me with a comedown so hard that I had to write off almost the entire week.

As mentioned above, I don't really think The One Alone is only about physical isolation. It can be, sure, but I feel like it's also about the failure to connect. There are so many people and none of them see you, and you don't see them, and there's an insurmountable difference between you and them.

It didn’t help that, over the course of a ten-year relationship, “my friends” had become “our friends” and there weren’t any of them siding with me in this situation. Some would drop platitudes about maybe reconnecting after the fallout was done with, but I know when I’m being handled by people who “don’t want to create any more drama.”

✨ loosing all of your friends at once ✨

Ah... good times, good times.

It's like, not only have you lost one person, then you lose everyone, and if you had anyone left you just sort of... assume you don't. It's so easy to cut yourself off, and when you've done it once you can do it again, and again, and again, and again.

I don’t know. I was younger, then. Foolish.

There is something there!

Then Jon does a litte laugh, assuming in statement character, so I'm guessing the statement giver was laughing at himself. Neat detail.

It was late when I got to what I thought was his street, driving through the one-way signs and well-maintained gardens that bordered that snaking road. The sun had disappeared, but the sky was still fairly light, that late-summer twilight that seems to just drag on forever.

Mate, I love the aesthetic of the fog and The Lonely, but that's not really what feels lonely to me. This feels lonely, slightly humid, sun shining into your eyes, slight breeze, no one around, flat and empty.

Yes, I know I'm just describing an Ontario summer.

There was no answer at any of them. There were no lights on behind the drawn curtains, and all the house numbers were zero.

It's so freaky! The growing dread, you know this could almost be an I Do Not Know You statement, what with the things playing at being normal houses, and the tv show shown later.

I wished I hadn’t thrown away the wristwatch Alberto had given me, but it was too late for those regrets.

I may be reaching, but could this be a microcosm of Herman's regret at having thrown away him and Alberto's relationship, and seeing it as too late to salvage it. Now he's left with no way to tell the time, as it were, in a manifestation of The Lonely.

At the start, I was counting how many houses I passed, but when I got to a hundred, I stopped. It was beginning to eat away at my careful rationalisations, and I couldn’t allow that.

I'm just highlighting it because I find it interesting how his mind works. Not in a bad way or even a good way. It just is.

I marched up to a nearby front door, prepared to kick in the flimsy-looking wood, but trying the handle revealed it was unlocked. I don’t know why I picked that house. It was exactly identical to all the others, and I’ve often wondered if there was anything that drew me to it. Perhaps I was just unlucky, or perhaps there only ever was one house.

I just really like this section. "Perhaps there only ever was one house," should be up there with "the blanket never did anything," as creepy lines. The theme of inevitability. This is going to happen, there is only one possible way this can end.

It feels tired, that's the lonely to me. Just being tired. You can cry all you want, you can be afraid but... at the end you're just tired and alone and it hasn't changed a thing. Inevitability in that way.

Or maybe, inevitability that you were always going to be alone. Maybe there's just something wrong with you.

Hhhh I love this episode so so so so so much.

The lights worked, which was a relief, and the inside looked exactly how I expected it to. And I mean, exactly how I expected it to: from the blank IKEA furniture, to the subtly-patterned cream wallpaper, to the picture frames lining the wall containing what were clearly stock photos, each of a different family pantomiming a scene of domestic bliss.

Firstly, the line "pantomiming a scene of domestic bliss" is just so... I love it so much. I love this episode so much. A family home, a happy family home from the outside looking in.

Secondly:

I did find several pictures of her and her new boyfriend though, which puts my mind somewhat at ease. Well, mostly. There’s something about him that doesn’t seem quite right. Something about the smile, maybe? I mean, they’re all pictures of Sasha and Tom, as I’m told his name is, having fun together, but… it’s hard to put into words exactly, but every one of them looks somehow like a stock photo.

(MAG 57 - Personal Space)

I could point to this and say that this is an example of it potentially being The Stranger, however I'm going to use it to point out something else.

You’re thinking too literally. Examining the physical categorisation, but ignoring the meaning of the thing. What are the bones? In the Distortion, your “Michael”, the structure of a skeleton, an established reality in your mind, is twisted and warped into an impossible form. But in other cases? Are they a symbol of slaughter and butchery? Are they the familiar made wrong? Or are they simply part of the messy, physicality of flesh?

(MAG 80 - The Librarian)

What matters is what it is, in this case the stock photos, what matters is what it means, what it makes the person looking at it feel. In Tom and Not!Sasha's case, it's representing how Not!Sasha is pantomiming as a real person, everything looks like a stock photo because she isn't actually a person going on dates with her boyfriend, she's pretending to be.

The stock photos in this episode are representing the pretense of this home where atrocities are committed being a normal family home. It's set up like a little suburban home, beige walls, sofa tv, family pictures, lovely place to raze a child - sorry raise a child - just so long as you ignore the blood dripping down from upstairs!

She was talking, or at least, it sounded like she was. The cadence and the sounds were so much like English that it took me almost a full minute to realise that she wasn’t actually saying words.

I recently relistened to episode 48 - Lost in the Crowd, and it's reminded me just how much I like the little bits of it focused on language. Easy to feel alienated when you don't know what people are saying.

The Lonely and The Stranger are pretty similar - one could say that they're part of the same thing and separating them with no room for nuance was a stupid thing fictionalized Robert Smirke - but yeah I mean, it's pretty easy to feel lonely in a crowd of people you don't know. The Lukas', the crowd, these people on the TV, they're all strangers, people you don't know who you feel scared of.

It's interpretation, really.

I hit the remote again. A shopping channel. The host was a tall, clean-shaven man with close-cropped hair. He was holding a brick and talking about it in that same flow of non-words, that still had a familiar salesman’s patter. The screen scrolled the message “buy now!”, though there was neither price nor contact details, as this man, who wouldn’t look at the camera, earnestly pretended to sell me a brick.

Firstly, Spamton G. Spamton is that you? Secondly, this is so freaky, I like it a lot. Just someone really trying to sell you a brick in complete gibberish, that's just so cool! Jonny just blew it out of the water with this one (it's my favourite non-metaplot episode).

I didn’t know them, as it turned out.

OOOOH JUST! HM! Just another person, dead upstairs, unknown even in death, not missed, alone even in death.

"I didn't know them."

She had a bag with her, and her ID read ‘Yetunde Uthman’ – not a name I’d ever encountered before. Just another victim of this place.

The line "just another victim of this place" is making me so unbelievably bouncing at the walls, tearing and ripping. Just another person, one of a million, just happened to be here, just another victim of this place.

I... don't know how to describe what I'm thinking when I hear that line. Just another victim of this place, just another poor unfortunate soul (in pain, in need) who somehow stumbled upon this suburban hellscape and died for it. Just another person with no one who would miss them, no one who'd notice they were gone. Just another lonely person, one of millions.

I am so abnormal about that line.

It looked as though she had forced her head through the mirror on the dressing table, the shards cutting her face and neck to ribbons, a particularly large piece piercing her jugular, spilling blood all down the unremarkable white table and onto the light brown carpet below. I don’t think she’d been dead that long, but I’m not a doctor and I didn’t really try to check.

I like how it's noted that their blood was spilled onto another piece of set dressing for this ordinary suburban household. "Spilling blood all down the unremarkable white table and onto the light brown carpet below." Noting the how the table is "unremarkable"... I just think that's neat, you know? How her blood has shattered the illusion of a normal home, a normal family posing in the picture frames.

How many corpses lay waiting behind the placid façade of this endless false suburbia?

Quiet terror. Private terror - you can't let anyone know. Put up a united front, and let things fall apart at home. Houses so put together in the front exactly like the others, but when you get inside there is the unmistakable sent of rot.

I need to write something with this, good lord.

Also, this reminds me of a line in 188.

ARCHIVIST But if you think there’s a lack of violence or suffering, then I’m afraid you’re mistaken. There’s plenty, it’s just… hidden. Trapped behind identical doors and down silent streets of unknown neighbours. The suffering here is deep. And it’s private.

(MAG 188 - Centre of Attention)

I say this as if I did not already think this already. I was not just reminded, I think about this podded cast quite a bit.

He was calling me; I don’t know how. But the tears came even faster now, as I answered, sobbing with relief to hear him yelling at me for taking so long. Had I forgotten? Was I even planning to bother? I tried to reply, to explain, but all I could manage to say, to get through the shaking sobs, was, “I love you.”

That's just a really beautiful moment, you think you're going to die and then you remember you love someone, and then someone comes to help you, because people love each other.

It's just... I really love that the way to beat The Lonely is love. Being loved, loving, not necessarily romantically, but human connection, love from person to person, in families, romantic partners, strangers, friends.

I think it's really great, I think this moment is really great, and I know Gerry says there are no entities of hope or love but I don't think we need them, 'cause we love enough on our own.

We’re working on it, the two of us. We’re not exactly back together yet, but I think it’s going well.

Yay! Fuck yeah! They're okay, or they're getting there, and you know what, great for them, great for them. Goddamn horror podcast with hope? And love? Hhhhh /pos.

As far as I can tell, she disappeared a year ago. And nobody noticed.

I've said this before in this, and I'll say it again. That really gets to me. Just being alone there, having no one even look for you, notice that you're gone, even care.

It's... horrible.

It’s not that easy though. When everyone has so many walls, so many defences, sometimes you can feel lonely even when you’re all in the same room. But it’s better than the alternative, and at least none of us are suffering alone.

That must be so awkward, like they all have so much baggage with each other, what do they do? Play scrabble? Jenga? They can't play cards 'cause Jon would accidentally cheat - or they'd accuse Jon of accidentally cheating - which sucks, because Sevens is fun. I learned Sevens from some guy in a pub in Ireland. It was fun.

MELANIE Jon, have you got a moment? ARCHIVIST Uh, course, I was just, um, having a statement. MELANIE Oh … A-an old one? ARCHIVIST Wha— Yes, an old one! I’m not— I’m doing my best. MELANIE Sure. ARCHIVIST What do you want?

My first reaction was "there was no reason for it to get so antagonistic in five seconds, Melanie" but then I reconsidered, and I understand why Melanie would say that, but why did she though? Like, what was the reason? He's in his office? The statement's right in front of him? Why? Like, fine, whatever, I get it, I can be nice and nuanced or whatever, but sometimes I don't want to and I want to get a bit miffed at Melanie for making it an angry conversation when it didn't have to be.

MELANIE Look, I’m not going to do my job anymore. ARCHIVIST I’m not sure I follow. You know we can’t quit. We’ve all tried. MELANIE I didn’t say I was going to quit. I said I’m not going to do my job: no researching, no filing, no field trips, nothing that is going to help the Institute in any way. I’ll still be around, I just … I can’t be a part of this anymore. If I get sick, I get sick, and if I die …

I get why they were still doing their jobs, out of the fear of getting sick or dying from it.

MELANIE Because this place is evil, Jon. And so, doing this job, helping it out, even in small ways, is in some ways evil tool. Every time we try to use it to do good, it just seems to make everything worse. And … And I will not be a part of that anymore. ARCHIVIST What about the Unknowing? W-we saved the world. MELANIE Did we? I-I mean, I think it was the right thing to do, but how many people were killed to do it? W-we weren’t even a neutral party. We did it as agents of The Eye, because Elias told us to.

Yeah! Yeah it is evil! Good on Melanie, honestly, for Jon it's... less of an option, but I'm glad Melanie's doing it. Also why is she nearly spot on-

MELANIE Martin put him there. A-and he’s still doing harm! You ever think that maybe this whole ritual business is just an excuse, and that we’re all just part of some huge, miserable fear machine?

So, what if I told you-

I mean, she's not wrong. She is not wrong.

Does this count as striking? Is she striking from her evil eye job?

MELANIE Right, right, okay. I know. That is why I ruined my first four sessions and almost torpedoed the chance at a genuinely really good therapist, because I was so paranoid that she was going to turn out to be some … some thing trying to manipulate me. But no. She’s not full of spiders, or made of wax, or wearing the therapist’s skin or whatever. She’s just a well-trained professional, who I am paying to help me.

Look hm I'm just, I'm cheerleading. Go Melanie! (woo) Idk what to say. Don't really care about this post statement.

MELANIE Look, I didn’t come here for a fight. I just wanted to let you know what was going on. If you need me, I’ll be trying to get Daisy drunk.

Hey, I mean. High stress situation, they're bound to be a bit snappy. And by them I do mean both of them, whatever, my blorbo isn't infallible or something.

I don't really care about the post statement.

In conclusion, I love this statement so much. I think it's really cool, I like the themes of quiet and private terror, and love saving people. Cul-de-Sac my absolute beloved, I started this at ~4pm, it is now ~8:30pm.

#the magnus archives #tma #a mag a day #mag 150 #the lonely #tma meta #landscaping-your-mind-chapter-one

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teecupangel · 1 year

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Okay so, I don’t know much about Destiny, just like the bare minimum stuff, but after I found out about the Hunter class I cannot stop thinking about what if the Assassin crew (Des and his ancestors, y’know) were Hunter Guardians? Idk about story wise what they would do, maybe deal with any Isu left over artifacts, maybe? I just think it would be neat. The hoods, the stealth, the whole Nightstalker subclass?? It’d be dope.

(I love your works btw, I’ve been binging both tumblr and ao3 how dare you be so good at writing)

(Thank you! I'm happy you loved what I've been writing hahahaha)

So I’ve talked about what I feel would be the type of Guardian every AC protagonist would have which originated from this post where I analyzed why Bungie made the right choice making Altaïr a Warlock)

But it would also be fun if they were all Nightstalkers (maybe make it a plot point how Altaïr was stripped of his Sunsinger subclass after a failed mission and becomes a Hunter as a punishment while Ezio is just starting out as a Hunter himself so that Ratonhnhaké:ton would be more or less their leader for a change).

And I really like the idea of Desmond just being a Ghost and he recognizes his ancestors but they don’t recognize him or anything about these Assassins or Templars. They just think he might be a Ghost with his functions sorta going whacked but he manages to connect with all three of them and seem to function as normal…

Then he starts saying this might be a POE thing and the three Hunters start to believe that Desmond might have gotten close to a relic of the Darkness with his original ‘Guardian’ and that’s why he’s getting his information all out of order or just plain gibberish. Their mission now would be to find this POE that Desmond is talking about which he believes to be on the planet Earth which, as far as the three Hunters believe, is currently under attack.

“That’s bad!”

“It happens a lot.”

“That doesn’t make it less bad!”

So they travel to Earth to try to find this POE that Desmond talks about (unintentionally getting sidetracked by the current geopolitical ‘unrest’ on Earth) and they start to learn about the Assassins and the Templars.

They learn about the Isus and the connection they may have with the Darkness and the Traveler.

And then…

They reach a forgotten place and it took a while before Desmond realized that it had been some kind of Abstergo research and development facility.

And in the deepest part of the ruins…

They learn the truth.

The Darkness is a failed experiment of Abstergo that uses what remains of Desmond Miles’ corpse and the rest of Sample 17.

It grew to have a sentient of its own that had been corrupted by years of being tested and broken apart only to be rebuilt once more again and again in an endless cycle of needless pain and it is angry at everything and everyone.

And the Ghost that had found the three Hunters?

It was what was left of Desmond Miles’ humanity that The Traveler was able to take out of the Darkness, placing it into one of the very first Ghosts they have ever created and pushing it to the galaxy to find the ones who can defeat the corrupted remains of Desmond Miles:

His three ancestors reborn…

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novelcain · 1 year

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Hi, it’s me again, I had a couple of ideas, a couple are about possible bard reader, another is a musing for any reader, and the last is a general question.

1. Bards aren’t solely musicians, (from my dnd experience,) they also recite poems, ballads, and stories. So what if Reader tries to keep some of the more prone to boredom pilgrims by talking about various other myths and stories she might know? For example, she might’ve had an ancient Egypt or Greek mythology phase and still remembers a lot of those stories and when things are getting dull, she just goes like “Hey, wanna hear a funny story?” And then talk about Midas getting cursed with donkey ears. It manages to occupy the silence with something more interesting.

2. I’ve seen the Ruan being suggested as Reader’s instrument, but I wonder if anyone has considered the Xun. A xun is basically a small ceramic or wood instrument in the same family as the ocarina, but played slightly differently. They’re quite portable, and they could also make for a convenient “which one of these identical monkeys is Six Eared Macaque,” test. Nothing against the Ruan, just wanted to share. (Bonus: if the Reader likes the Zelda games, she could play some of those songs and most of them are either soothing or fun to dance to.)

2.5. Personally, I am an edgy girl, so if I chose to sing, it’d be like the early 2000s nu-metal songs from groups like Evanescence, Breaking Benjamin, Three Days Grace, and all of that other stuff, so that’d be embarrassing.

3. How are she and Tripitaka going to stay warm in the winter? There were points in the book where it was stated to be snowing or at least very cold, and idk if Guanyin would give them coats or if they’d have to get one of the other pilgrims to beg for a couple of used old coats. If Guanyin did give them some, it’d be neat to see like a feather cloak or something along those lines as feathers (down) are very good at insulating and keeping one warm.

4. Given all of the times when Tripitaka either punishes Monkey too severely and/or kicks him out, I can imagine the Six Eared Macaque arc being the one where reader genuinely loses her patience and slaps the monk across the face. She doesn’t really even say anything, just turns to leave and if they say anything about how they need her to guide them, “well, you can figure it out for yourself, because I’m done putting up with your ‘holier than thou’ bullshit.” Then goes to find Wukong. Depends on if you want the one she finds to be the real one, trying not to cry, or if she runs into his doppelgänger. (Suppose we’ll have to wait and see.)

Have a good Sunday, Skittle!

-🌺 Anon

Hello again~

ok soooo i'm gonna admit that at first I had no idea what you were talking about but then I remembered that one of my followers did fanart with their version of Reader using a Ruan and I just wanna say that isn't canon it was just someone's art. anything that i post about ittw on here should be considered specifically not canon just for fun. i also won't answer any questions about what will happen in the future of any of my fics or au's (i know i'm a meanie😋). you can find all my ask rules on my pinned post 😊 (tho i might update them soon)

also everything about ittw was set in stone before i even began writing. nothing will change the plot even if i find an idea that i like (there was one idea from someone's fanart that i liked and i was thinking about using since it wouldn't effect the plot [after getting their permission] but i won't be doing that now because i don't want anyone to think i'm playing favorites or have a bunch of people try to get me to add their ideas as well. i've already had a bunch of people try to do that and it really stresses me out cause it's hard to stay nice in those situations) because of that (and i mean this in the nicest way possible i promise i'm not trying to sound like a jerk) i won't be taking any suggestions for plots unless i specifically ask for them🤗

I hope you have a great Sunday too, 🌺 Anon!

#🌺 anon #skittle answers

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i-fucked-both-your-parents · 9 months

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Fnaf posting, beware. Long post and major spoilers

So the whole ‘i cant go get water because fnaf is at the fridge’ is a silly sentence cause in fnaf 4 you have to check the doors and stuff for Bonnie and Chica and they don’t appear right away. So while your listening for them sometimes you can hear the sound of like, plates clattering or some sort of far away kitchen noise so fnaf could very much so be at the fridge

also in fnaf 4 Chica and Bonnie appear on the same sides they do in fnaf 1 as a security guard PLUS Foxy is in the closet that’s right in front of you and in the 1st game Pirates Cove was just about in the center of sorts, his stage area was also covered with a cloth thing that drapes from both sides which is also very similar to fnaf 4 because the front closet is those folding ones so it’s similar to curtains. And in fnaf 3 foxy will appear more to the left side where pirates cove i believe is on the cams in fnaf 1 and in fnaf 2 foxy appears in the front like foxy in fnaf 4. Also in fnaf 4 in the 2nd mini game (I believe) balloon boy (animatronic version) is seen behind the cars, a possible child is in the sewers and the supposed not dead balloon boy is seen before you go inside your house with i believe the same color balloon in a fnaf 3 mini game

another cool Bonnie Chica thing is in fnaf 8 (security breach) when you go to a certain elevator Bonnie Bowl is on the left when you exit (same side as fnaf 1,2,and4) and I forgot where jazzersize (?) is exactly (I haven’t gotten very far lol) also in fnaf 8 in the very beginning area there are display cases with old endo pieces (my theory is that some of them are peices of mangle) and even Chicas cupcake that’s been around for almost every fnaf game (my memory is bad, I’m watching markiplier to refresh) in fnaf 1 it’s on the security desk! Fnaf 2 toy Chica holds it, fnaf 3 it’s a mini game trigger on the cams, fnaf 4 it’s turned into nightmare cupcake and in fnaf 5 I don’t believe it’s there (I rage quit a while ago) but if it is it’s most likely in the Funtime foxy and boors controll area with the circus baby and enard faces.

A cool Bonnie thing I saw in a brief help wanted TikTok was that you basically make withered Bonnie during the repairs (?) I don’t have a VR headset and I’ve yet to see much gameplay but I think that’s pretty neat

speaking of withered Bonnie, he appears in fnaf 2 which lore wise 100% comes before fnaf 1 because phone guy is alive and vibing, he mentions the withered animatronics are from an old Fazbear establishment which is NOT Fazbear pizzeria (fnaf 1, i think that’s the name-) plus the withered animatronics are very different from the fnaf 1 animatronics, Chicas beak is bigger, Bonnie doesn’t seem to have a bow tie, plus his buttons are at the top rather than in fnaf 1 where the buttons are on the bottom. I have no idea why they would take away the toy look for the fnaf 1 animatronics, maybe the toy ones were just a bit too creepy. But in fnaf 5 bonbon has a bow tie and one button on top. Fun Bonnie fact, he appears ‘scarier’ simply because he doesn’t have eyebrow's. now in fnaf 4 crying child dies in the bite of ‘87 as we all know, and in fnaf 3 (I think?) your check is dated to 1987, but the ‘vintage training tapes’ aligns with fnaf 4 and fnaf 3 mini games. For example it tells you how to wear the suits and in fnaf 4 first mini game there is someone in a golden Freddy suit, later in the tapes it says to not wear the suits because it’s dangerous *insert sprintrap here* it basicaly tells you what happened to spring trap (fnaf 3 main character) and William afton dies after cc (crying child/ possibly golden Freddy later on) and Elisabeth (fnaf 5 circus baby) so either the bite of ‘87 didn’t happen in ‘87 and rather in ‘83 (some peoples theory) or the mini game events, tape events and fnaf 4 events all happen before or during the fnaf 3 events (possibly 2 if I got the check dates wrong) which scrambles so much in terms of games. It would make the storyline order something like 2,1,4,3,5 and so on (I don’t know the events of fnaf 6 and 7, also help wanted and others very well)

there’s 13 total games I believe plus a whole comic book series and I think a how to survive/play fnaf book that I’m sure has something about the lore in it too. There’s so much and I cannot wait for even more lore to drop in the movie, fnaf ruin 2 and the ruin DLC

erm… 1 more quick thing, all my info is from either markiplier, playing like 3 of the games myself, and just me spouting half bullshit. I shall add more as I watch more

also stop blaming Monty for replacing Bonnie, Monty may be kinda mean but he can’t just replace him. Maybe he did something to push him being scrapped or whatever but in the end it’s managements decision in case Bonnie maybe got part of the virus or maybe Scott just wanted to switch stuff up to make it a bit more interesting and new

ok final thing, the helpy bot on the loading and save screens is quite literally Funtime Freddy without bon bon

#TL:DR fnaf is my special interest and there is so much cool lore #I am also autistic about this game #Fnaf #five nights at freddy's #rants #infodump #I am so normal about fnaf #Thinking of reading the Wikipedia page again

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rustyarcade · 1 year

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About “Weirdo and the Wolf” and “Spooky and the Beast”

Hello. It has come to my attention that someone else has also made a Beauty and the Beast Wenclair au. This is absolutely awesome and totally fine! Just please don’t accuse me of copying them 🙃

I’ve been drawing the idea before the fic came out, and like I said this isn’t an issue! I’m fine with replica aus I think they’re neat! And I’m not gonna accuse that writer of “copying” me. I didn’t expect them to know about my au the same way I didn’t know about their fic.

What bothers me is the accusation of copying without giving any sort of credit which I’d NEVER do! If I have an idea for an au and it was inspired by another artist/writer, I always try to tag them.

I had been working on a fic about it for like a week now and I posted the first chapter last night. I have taken the fic down. I haven’t read Spooky and the Beast yet, but I would assuming they’re going to end up being very similar anyways!

The fic has been deleted and the post promoting it has as well. I will keep my ideas and thoughts for this au strictly drawn from this point onwards to avoid any confusion between the two.

I would like to apologize to the writer of Spooky and the Beast for this inconvenience. I wanted to apologize on their fic, but they have blocked me which is a decision I respect. Most importantly, please don’t send hate to anyone involved. This was just a product of bad timing. I hope this makes people realize to stop jumping to conclusions when stuff like this happens.

I’ll be taking a tiny break from tumblr/twitter. Thank you.

#wenclair #weirdo and the wolf

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jones-friend · 9 months

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Gencon Thots

Now that I’ve mostly recovered from the Backstreet Boys Reunion Tour I wanted to post some thots I had regarding games I discovered at gencon!

So I used to collect pokemon cards. Im a longtime mtg player. When I heard Disney was asking Ravensburger to make a tcg I was curious. To do the equivalent of sticking my head around the corner I entered a Lorcana learn to play.

Good god was this game popping off at gencon. Every game was full and every morning the booth sold out. There’s a ton of speculative hype surrounding the game right now.

In Lorcana we are illumineers painting Characters with Ink who will generate Lore. The first player to generate 20 Lore wins. Characters have a power, health, and amount of lore they generate as stats with an Ink cost, whether or not the card can be played as Ink, and any abilities the card may have.

On your turn you may reveal a card with that gold swirl around the cost and play face down as Ink (lands). There is no colors, Ink is Ink, and a deck can contain no more than 2 colors of Ink at a time.

Characters cannot Exert (tap) the turn you play them, “the paint has to dry”. Once the paint dries you can Exert your Character. They can Exert to generate Lore equal to the pen pips on the right of the text box (Tinkerbell here makes 1 lore). You can also Exert a Character to Challenge an Exerted Character (you cannot Challenge an unExerted Character). Challenge is fighting, each Character deals damage equal to their power. Damage does not wear off, meaning you can’t unendingly use one beater to stomp thru your opponent’s deck.

There are also Songs. Songs are special Actions that can be played using our already played Characters. So timing my plays right I could play a Character with a cost of 5. On my next turn I could Exert them to play Let it Go for free, play an Ink, and play a 6 cost Character playing 11 Ink worth of stuff for 6. Its a really neat idea.

I feel Lorcana has a lot of good ideas and takes away a lot of what feels bad about mtg. In doing so I think it also takes away some of what people like.

The ink system is great. Manascrew isnt really a thing in this game. That your cards (and not all of them) can be played as Ink or for its cost is fascinating. I bounced my opponent’s smaller Character and he played it as Ink to play his larger cost Character. You end up making more decisions about who to use as Ink and who to play, and it opens up deckbuilding to more fun options.

Not being able to touch your opponent’s stuff (for the most part) is also a polarizing thing. I like that I know I can use my dudes before they get picked. Some people might hate that they have to wait.

I like that its a race to generate Lore rather than having another slugfest. It makes the game feel unique and Lore generation as a stat adds more dimension to what cards can do.

One of the biggest, most polarizing points of the game for players will be that there are no Instants. There is no play-response system in this game. The only time you interact with your opponent’s turn is if they trigger your ability during their turn. Otherwise you do not interact with your opponent’s turn.

I did not enjoy the starter decks. I steamrolled my opponent every game. My buddy got steamrolled every game. Thats 4 decks with 4 games and 2 were clearly stronger than the other 2. I don’t feel the starter decks did a good job balancing the different colors and showcasing what they do. My opponent had gray and yellow, idk what they do bc I dunked on every dude he tossed out. Then what I played he couldn’t touch. It was a hot mess and I think they did a poor job constructing entry level lists meant to be played against each other in a paid event.

Otherwise I felt the game was fine enough. Unique enough not to just be a mtg clone, has some mechanics that make my brain go brrr, but I feel its a tcg with bumpers on it. Its very safe in the experience it delivers and bc of this you can often forecast the next 2-3 turns and you can tell you’ve lost and just have to wait for the loss to take place. Its not a game I’m interested in buying myself but if my bud wanted to go to an event or play with decks they made I’d def be down as a friend activity.

#Lorcana

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aquabuggy · 2 years

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hiii!!! i love your blog and typeing style so much, i hope you're haveing a great day. your blog introduced me to aqua, and aqua mouses by extension, and i was so obsessed i went and ordered one right away, a crayola one!! i'll update you when i get it if ya want. but anyway, i'm new to the aqua interest/collecting and i was wondering where you recommend i start? if you don't mind, what are some nice aqua things to have/hunt for, or places to look for them, or blogs/imageboards/anything of the sort ? tysm Bug!!! <333

Hello there!

So SO happy I could introduce you to all this, and you have no idea how giddy this question makes me! Let’s see now, where to begin?

I suppose a good place to start would be figuring out what kinds of Aquatic media you’re really into, as Aqua as an aesthetic genre can actually be somewhat vast! If you haven’t already, I would recommend taking a glance over at my “What is Aqua?” post to get a good idea of just what all may be included under the label. Who knows, you may just realize something I don’t have listed fits the definition!

If you like Aqua Mouses though, I think I may have a decent idea as to what else you may like.

Aqua Mouses are most known for their tanks full of alcohol and colored oil which creates a 2 layer liquid appearance, most often with a charm floating on top, riding the wave so to speak.

If that’s peak Aqua appeal for you, you may also take interest in Liquid Wave Paperweights, Liquid Motion Timers, and Floater Keychains!

For the purpose of collecting, some of my personal favorite buy & sell sites have been Mercari, eBay, Etsy, Amazon, and AliExpress. Mercari is great for buying lots of items, and if you’re buying multiple things from one seller, they will often be open to bundling to save on shipping, sometimes quite uncommon items will pop up as well! eBay is great for less common and vintage items, I’ve gotten most of my best scores from there. Etsy is also good for the same reasons as eBay. Amazon can have a decent selection, including bulk items! AliExpress often has lots of cheaper items, but be warned, sometimes items will be of inferior quality, definitely check reviews! With the first 3 you can save searches and set it up so you receive notifications if a new item matching the keywords you saved is listed, this is my go-to method usually. If you have the chance though, check out some touristy locations and look for souvenir shops! They’ll very often have some Aqua items, at least from my experience. Found some myself just today!

USEFUL SEARCH KEYWORDS: [ Paperweight, Timer, Keychain, Desk, Desk Toy, Cube, Cubic, Acrylic, Liquid, Liquid Motion, Oil, Quicksand, Float, Floating, Floater, Wave, Waving, Surf, Moving, Motion, Rocking, Rocker, Bubbler, Hourglass, Souvenir, Animal ]

Try out as many combinations of the above keywords as you like until you find some that suit your needs. I do not recommend adding the word “Sensory” to your search unless you are just looking for images, as items advertised as Sensory have notoriously been raised in price.

Now as for my particular favorites, I’m rather fond of Water Games! Specifically vintage, bizarre, and or tech-mimicking (Faux Tech) kinds! Water Games are the bulk of my collection really, as they’re usually on the cheaper side, and are simple nostalgic fun!

[ photo 2 credit- heirloomboy on eBay ]

As for blogs and image boards, there sadly aren’t many out there about the broad idea of Aqua that I’m currently aware of, that’s part of why I started this blog actually! However, I’ve recommended them before and I’ll do so again; @bootlegpals and @oceantoyz are great blogs that also post occasional Aqua content! Real cool people, check ‘em out for sure.

Pinterest can also sometimes be a decent source for Aqua images you haven’t already seen, though I’ll warn you, it can take a little while of searching and training the algorithm through what you view and save to really start showing you some neat stuff. Just be aware: a lot of images that aren’t uploaded directly from source links are not credited at all, but a bit of reverse image searching can remedy this if you intend on sharing the images yourself.

Sorry this answer became so long, do feel free to submit some photos once you get your mouse! Let me know if you have further questions, and have fun :]!

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andro-dino · 1 year

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wooo currently on the road rn and I’m gonna be for a while so I’m gonna drop some miscellaneous hcs I’ve been thinking abt. feel free to gimme some hcs too I get the feeling I’m gonna be very bored for the next 20 hours

- in one of the wild fang episodes, I think Madoka mentions that Vulcan horuseus has a very unique fusion wheel and energy ring so I like to think that Nile designed them himself

- an idea I thought was neat is that the reason karura wears all those bandages is because he’s got a ton of burn scars that he’s covering up. At the time of canon, he’s memorized the exact patterns of the terrain and fire bursts around DNA’s base, but that must’ve taken a lot of trial and error to figure out, so I imagine he’s probably got a good couple scars to show for that

- sakyo at some point starts occasionally calling takanosuke “taka” and he tries to be casual about it but people start teasing him once they pick up on that

- on that note, I really like to think that even though sakyo tries to be super cool and intimidating even after he’s technically become friends with everyone, no one else really takes him that seriously and none of them hesitate to make fun of him

- I’ve talked abt this so much before and I will never stop talking abt it I love the main friend group of shogun steel (Zyro Shinobu ren and kite). They’re all incredibly silly together and I think even though they make fun of each other all the time, they’re very openly affectionate and comfortable with each other. Also, even thought they’re all very smart and capable people in their own respects by themselves, together, the collective iq instantly drops. All of them are constantly fighting for custody of the singular collective braincell they share

- on the note of shogun steel friend groups, I’ve talked abt this idea with shekel a bit and I love it dearly, dna/bttf all share an apartment post-canon. It goes about as well as you would expect. Very constant clashing personalities and arguments, balancing different food preferences while grocery shopping, all of them have different sleep cycles and half of them are basically nocturnal, genjuro’s the only one who even vaguely resembles a functional human being, it’s a mess and they wouldn’t trade it for anything.

- baihu is the one person who doesn’t have a designated sleeping spot. Technically he has his own little blanket and pillow den in one of the closets but mostly he just goes where he so pleases and no one has any power to stop him. Sometimes he sleeps on top of the kitchen cabinets, sometimes on the floor. Sometimes the others wake up with him sleeping on top of them, sometimes they (mostly spike. I think he’d be a heavy sleeper) wake up on the floor with him in their beds instead. I’m not convinced he hasn’t somehow slept on the roof at least once.

In light of the recent uptick in second gen characters n stuff, I’ve been thinking abt some ideas with some of the other characters.

- Zeo is very much in the camp of not wanting kids because he does not trust himself enough to raise another human being. He and the rest of team dungeon would already have their hands full enough as is with all of the new dungeon gym kids also.

- I don’t think King and Masamune would mind having kids though. They’d be surprisingly functional parents i think. Toby and Zeo would be good babysitters.

- Benkei I think would want kids of his own, but already feels fulfilled enough with all the shogun steel kiddos, and is probably also too busy running bull burger and the bey park to think about it.

- Axyl and Chao Xin settle for pets over human children. They have a ragdoll cat called Muddy Mittens (Axyl’s idea) and a chocolate lab named Tico (Chao Xin’s idea. He seems like a chocolate lab kind of guy yk?). Axyl also wanted pet rats but decided that would not be a good idea with Mud. Essi meanwhile is disgusted that her sibling has become a “no real kids just fur babies” adult.

#axel’s silly little thoughts #i will probably add to this if I think of any more ideas later #fun fact: muddy mittens is what I named my cat in a Minecraft world I had with my friends 2 years ago #and I got so attached that I have called minecraft ragdoll cats muddy mittens since

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arainmorn-art · 1 year

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A path of self-destruction

So I’ve seen that 14th March is Write Your Story day. Sounds neat, though I have no ideas for fiction to write about right now. But I have a personal story. I wanted to write about it for quite some time, because for some weird reason I feel more comfortable writing about some psychological stuff in English. It seems easier - and safer. Here might be no people that know me personally. And with a small audience it also feels... like I am in a small circle of silent respectful strangers, telling my story without a chilling fear of being interrupted or shunned. Or being avoided.

People don’t like sad body horror stories.

It’s an act of self-preservation for sure, our mind tries to protect us from horrible things, as it tries to be a protective parent guarding its kid. I understand it. It’s not like I tell the whole story to everyone, firstly it would take a long time, secondly - I don’t like making people upset. If people around me, who like me, are getting upset only by mentioning a miniscule part of stuff, why should I force them to listen the rest?

But sometimes... I need to tell it.

Heh. And how should I begin?

“There once was a girl with a loving family. She had both parents, a mother and a father. But strangely the girl was growing up strongly relating to fatherless kids her age. She was growing up waiting for her father’s death”

An intriguing kind of start, I hope.

The thing is it’s quite hard for me to tell you about only this part of my forming years, because right after high school there were also several traumatic circumstances I lived with, and stories about my dad and the coup, and the civil war, and severe trust issues, and loosing a feel of basic safety, and a crushing feeling of being a hated outsider in my own country are heavily intertwined. But... I doubt my writing abilities to tell you everything in one post. Maybe next time. I’ll mention those situations briefly, just keep in mind that... well, it was all happening at the same time.

So.

“She was a shy girl, whimsy and timid, a kind that usually becomes some sort of an artist. Five years might be not the best age to learn about death, but this realization came to her quite early. We all gonna die, she realizied, and nothing will stop it. She cried and ran to the kitchen to her mom, looking for comfort, but mom couldn’t say anything to console her. “It happens in many years!”, she tried to tell her crying daughter. She wasn’t expecting this conversation so soon”

I don’t know how others get this awarness of their own mortality. I simply haven’t asked, actually. I got mine after watching Conan the Barbarian and The Fifth Element movies. Oh, and add Princess Mononoke to this soup. And many 80s and 90s scince fiction and action movies, that were by far not kid-friendly! Yeah... my mom admits she and my dad were stupid to show me these movies before elementary school, but now I can tell young gen-Ziers that in my time we were much tougher kids!.. Well, come on, don’t give away all the credits to Don Bluth, a Grand Child Traumatizer, an old Total Recall was a blast! :D

My mom also thinks that there were too many familiar people who died through my forming years, both relatives and friends. I don’t know, maybe she is right. My grandpa was buried at the day of my 14th birthday, a year before two family friends died, a year after there were grand-grandma and three family friends, and many more...

14 years old. Yeah. I remember, it was a first time when I thought: “My dad will probably die because of a stroke. His face gets so red when he is screaming in anger”. 2008 year, hello, House M.D., teaching me new words.

“A girl was told by her dad that she had a happy childhood, a roof above her head, a food on her table and some money. Often told. Constantly told. It was true, but was there a need to repeat it? He needed to. He also told her he can clearly see she doesn’t value anything he gave her. That she doesn’t respect him. He demanded love. He believed there were all the ingredients for happiness. He was telling it but he rarely talked to her. They lived in one appartment yet she felt they were a little closer than strangers”

My dad was a complicated man to say the least. He was a large man with a strong physique, a wide chest yet narrow shoulders. His features were rounded: a round face, a big nose, plump lips, bushy eyebrows, even his black beard was making him feel rounder. My whole childhood I was told I was a female copy of him. He was a man leaving a grand impression about him, a succesful man, loved by his friends, relatives and wife... and strangely enough he was also an absent father.

For some reason I still can vividly remember his dark yellow teeth, black on the edges, and a brown tongue behind them. He drank a very strong black tea, 2 to 4 teabags at the same time in a large cup. The stains after such tea was impossible to wash away. Oh, and I just have to mention the amount of smoking he had. Pack after pack. Some fathers quit smoking when they get kids. My father was smoking even when I, being an infant, was sleeping near him in my mom’s embrace. I never smoked myself. Never ever.

The smell of cigarettes was everywhere. It was on the furniture, on my clothing, on my hair. The smell was so strong sometimes my teachers in school were asking if somebody recently smoked, although I was a whole day away from home. The smoke turned wallpapers in my dad’s room yellow; a lamp, a table, a computer and bookshelves had a very distinct greasy feel about them because of resin and dust. Maybe only whiskey and vodka bottles were cleaner. They were changing often.

My mom was worried about him. She called it “a path of self-destruction”.

And he still had a leg in those years.

It was 2011, I was still 16, soon turning 17, when I heard about the second type diabetes. I didn’t understand how it workes, but the most shocking news were: “They are going to amputate your father’s big toe”. Oh man, it’s so silly now how scared I was.

It’s just a toe.

What’s weird to me to remember that from this and several years later I was fixated on the topic of amputation. It was a repeating theme in my sketches... though it weren’t legs. It were hands. A crying mermaid with amputated hands. A cheerful alien with stumps instead of her arms, with clunky prosthesises made of thin metal tubes. A monster bleeding out with a chopped arm. Zombies falling apart. Decaying robots. A blood. A torn skin. Scars. Bare bones. And crying. Lots of crying characters. It was my weird way of coping.

So the doctors kept slicing his foot until there were no toes on it.

I thought he was powerful. I thought he could hurt me, though not physically. He never beated me, no. Though I was so stressed I believed my scared mom, that he could kicked us out of the house.

Bones in my dad’s foot were destructing, because he was refusing to change his lifestyle, even at cost of his own health.

I was 19. It still is a gentle age for a girl. I needed a feeling of safety... and yes, I had it at home. While also being afraid of my dad’s rage, if he knew about my sexuality.

Even if he was already in a wheelchair without a leg.

And then the coup in 2014 happened. I lived several districts away from it. For me it was one of the most traumatising events. It was brutal. I was afraid I could be killed just while walking with my dog. The world I’ve lived before was burning alive in front of my eyes. People were drunk of inpunishability. A feeling of safety was lost for many years.

The only thing in her terrified words might be true that he could turn our lives into emotional torture. Oh, he was very good at making you feel like a trash. Like the lowest of the low. Like a pathetic piece of a garbage.

My father was afraid of death and uncertainty. Numbing himself with alcohol he was able to push through those fears and take care of me and my mom. The truth is... he was a weak man, too. Instead of trying to discipline himself so diabetes would stop devouring his body, the bloodvessels in his brain, his eyes, his legs, his kidneys, my father just... stayed on the path of self-destruction.

No cries would convince him to change so he could stay longer with his loving family.

No foul wound would stop him.

I was 21. I remember that night, when he returned from the hospital. He seriously was at the death’s door. Before his return I’ve cried for several hours feeling guilt that I was angry at him, being horrified that I might loose him. When he returned, I thought about all the inspirational movies I’ve watched, you know, that kind: “After near death experience our protagonist will find a will power to change his life!”. I loved such kind of movies.

I wanted them to be truth.

I’ve heard my mom starting to weep when she walked out of my dad’s room, yellow of nicotine. I walked into his room and saw him... smoking and pouring a glass. He wanted to relax. As if nothing has happened. As if me and my mom hadn’t cried our eyes out for him.

It was the first time I’ve screamed at him in rage. I was afraid of my dad for those last years, I was always meek and passive around him because he would easily suppres me. But I was enraged at that moment. How dare he smoke after everything. How dare he drink after what doctors told us: “You can start mourning”, because his kidneys were clearly failing. And he was surprised, of course. He started laughing at me. “Look at you! You can be like that?”. I remember his dark yellow teeth glistening in the light of a table lamp. He was laughing in self-defense.

“Hey, look at her!” - he called my mom, rolling his wheelchair to the bathroom door. He kept laughing, almost hysterically, as we both could clearly hear my mom hopelessly crying in the shower.

I felt so much disdain, and anger, and sadness, but most of all - the horror of understanding. Dad was still laughing. My outburst had no other way to leave my chest but to shout at the top of my lungs right in my father’s face: “I wish you would die already!”

He stopped laughing.

I ran to the kitchen and burst into tears sitting on the floor, as that new realization weakened my knees.

There was no hope.

It was not an inspirational movie. It was not a fairytale. It was not a story about taking control over your life and trying to save it.

It was a story about unstoppable relentless self-destruction. No matter how many bones would crumble, how much flesh would be cut away, how further blind he would become.

It was despair. Soul-crushing despair. In the chaotic world after the coup, during the civil war, where it still felt safer beside my half-blind father with no leg on the wheelchair, than far from him... there were no hope that he would live long enough to even see me graduating from university.

About two more times he was also near death. Diabetes killed his kidneys.

“There once was a boy in a body of a big grown man. Both of his parents died of cancer. His lighthearted yet timid father faded away, turned into a skeleton covered with skin. His narcissistic mother, who looked like a giant jellyfish on her deathbed, died right after her son scolded her for tormenting a nurse. The boy was so lonely and sad no one around him could bring him comfort. Even the sight of sauce that his mother cooked him in the past could brought him into tears. It reminded him how harsh he was with her right before she died. He didn’t say goodbye. Or that he loved her”

I haven’t told my father a proper goodbye either.

I was abroad trying to date a girl that was clearly not a good match for me. I was looking for comfort and haven’t find any. My mother hasn’t told me anything before I returned home. She thought I was happy and didn’t wanted to ruin that trip for me. For several days she was forcing a smile for me during videocalls.

It was cerebral edema. He died at night, delirious and screaming, shouting us to run away, so the infamous nazi gang from my country wouldn’t catch us. She told me when I’ve returned home and at first I haven’t any words to say or any tears to cry.

The 6th January of 2017 was the date of his death.

He kept slowly dying over the next couple of years.

People were confused how I could be so stoic at the funeral. I don’t know myself. I just felt hollow. My mom though was falling apart, overventilating as she tried not to cry while seeing her husband in the coffin. She asked my cousin to slap her across the face so she would no lose consciousness - and yeap, it was me who slaped her, as my cousin was too shocked by such request. I felt that me being calm and stable helped my mom more than anything. I supported her. I gave her comfort. The world was crushing for her without him.

While I was thinking... that, strangely enough, my world continued to exist.

I’ve cried for my father’s death several times, but the death itself wasn’t happening. And when it finally happened, there were not many tears left. Though I still feel the ache in my heart for him. He was so lonely. He had such a big responsibility on his shoulders, he continued to work even in the hospital bed so he could provide us. He tried to protect us from the evil of the world around us even at his last moments.

I respect it tremendously, dad.

I’ve looked into my old drawings I have on my PC. My gosh. So many crying people. I haven’t realized before, how many tears were shed without actual tears, but through my artwork.

It’s such a pity we couldn’t became closer.

Eh.

It’s been six years.

I suppose I can say I’m no longer a person I used to be. I hope so. I was such a coward.

It’s 3 am on my clock, I’ve been writing for five hours in one sit, gosh darn it. Perhaps I really needed it.

And I feel better.

Despite everything happened between us, I still love you.

#my writing #writeblr #writing #family drama #diabetes #amputation #death #father's death #sad memories #writers on tumblr #pencil #pencil sketch #drawing #pencil drawing #my post #my art #arainmorn's art

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