Tumpik
#humans are weird
x-hyzenthlay-x · 2 days ago
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Not sure if this would count as a humans are space orcs type of post but it’s kinda crazy to think that in terms of Goldilocks planets earth is actually very small compared to other earth like planets. And that our planet was once larger but we are incredibly lucky to have such a small planet as it makes it less of a target to extinction level impacts thus allowing more time for intelligent life to form.
It makes me wonder about the other super earths and what life is like on those planets and how they deal with the more frequent impacts. How alien life would potentially evolve to withstand these events if possible.
Or how aliens would react to seeing such a smoll goldilocks planet and our one single beat up moon that just keeps taking all the hits for us lmao
Our moons ass is grass and we’re here flourishing on our little planet bc of it
I also wonder how common it is for a species to make such crazy jumps in technology in such short amounts of time and if it’s not common how aliens would react to hearing that humans having been around for 300 thousand years went from vibing with our basic wood n fire powered oven to blasting into space in about a mere few decades to not even that much longer creating not one, not two but several forms of clean renewable energy through wind, solar, water, ect.
Also why tf didn’t dinosaurs evolve to be smarter they were around MUCH longer than us.
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antoinette-jarvis · a day ago
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Alien:... I'm sorry, what?
Human: oh yeah, appareny it really did happen. That's how we developed our datings I think, by determining how long ago since Christ died.
Alien: YOU CRUCIFIED A GOD?!
Human: woah, not me personally! This happened centuries ago. He could not have picked a worse time to come.
Alien: YOUR SPECIES KILLED A GOD! HOW ARE YOU NOT ALARMED?!
Human: Oh! It's all good. He says all is forgiven as long as we're nice to each other, and we follow his rules.
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brandedfool · a day ago
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Notes from the Deathworld Earth: First Impressions (3155 words)
Humans have several names for their planet: Terra, Terran, Home, and the Little Blue Dot. But when they formally entered interplanetary communication with our parliament, they called it Earth, so that is what I will call it.
Preliminary data from Earth indicated that it was hospitable to my species. The vast majority of sapient life breathes oxygen, after all, and oxygen-rich atmospheres are necessary to protect a planet’s surface from solar radiation. Given that I would be able to breathe here, I was not concerned with much else.
We Chintilik are uniquely suited for exploration, or so I thought this morning. Our homeworld, Chint, has a widely variable climate as it circles its sun, and it encourages some unique adaptations. We internally regulate our temperature, and our scales can change color to absorb or reflect heat as necessary, though most of us use the color as a fashion statement now that we have climate control indoors. Personally, I am fond of a light lilac color, as most species don't have strong associations with it, and it makes me easy to locate in a crowd. The Chintilik also filter toxins from the air and our food readily, and can even identify a few by smell or taste alone. Our immune system is also structured in such a way that we are immune to the vast majority of alien diseases, but I am not a specialist on the subject. I just know that what gums up my respiratory tract a little will leave most species bedridden for a week if not longer. 
Most importantly, Chintilik have expressive faces that most species identify as friendly or even childlike. We have large ears—evolutionarily for regulating body temperature—but some consider them cute. We also have larger eyes than most other species. All this means that even normally aggressive species usually leave us alone.
I knew, going to Earth, that humans would feel the same way. I prefer to remain fresh when I survey a planet, not to read analyses or theories about its sapient life, but I am not a complete idiot: I learned the minimum about humans to keep me safe. I learned what they find threatening and how to conduct myself during the initial greeting.
What I had learned has assured me humans would not attack me on sight, however, so as my transport descended through Earth's atmosphere, I was excited, not afraid. My ears had been jittering so much that my neck was getting sore.
When the transport doors opened,  the terminal was nothing special either, except that it was very clean compared to most of the interstellar transport stations I’ve seen in my life. There were a few other travelers on the transport, and I let them disembark before me. When I descended the ramp onto the stone floor, I was greeted by a barrage of digital displays, squawking advertisements, multilingual chatter, and roaring engines.
I made my way through the throng, ducking around several Udomach, a large and ubiquitous species of traders and cargo handlers. I descended stairs, following signs that I was fairly sure led outside. As I went, the place warped from a large, universally-suitable design to what must be the human average. The ceilings stayed high, and I navigated easy, but an Udomach or any larger species would have had great difficulty.
I paused at the end of a long, shallow staircase to jot down my first notes about the planet, which I had yet to even see, as this area had zero windows, but before I could even finish a sentence, I heard a voice. New languages and translation devices don’t always play nicely, but Human English is well documented, so my implants handled it.
“Excuse me,”  Someone said. I looked behind me and saw my first human. I don’t quite know what I expected, but given the descriptions of their combat prowess and ruthlessness, I was expecting some talons, at least, perhaps hooked teeth, or poisonous barbs. Instead, I saw a strange, soft, fleshy creature with brown skin and long fur on top of its head. They were dressed all in black, and the lower half of their face was covered, but I could see that their jaw jutted very peculiarly away from their neck: not like a muzzle or a snout, but something else entirely.
“Are you looking for something?” The human said, “You aren’t supposed to be over here.”
“Greetings,” I said, “the stars are bright tonight. I am looking for an exit from this place. I am meeting a human scholar.”
"May I see your papers and visa, please?"
I handed over the thin metal card to them, and they scanned it using a handheld device. After a moment, they handed them back and said, "Follow me, please."
I followed them through another corridor, to a booth where two more humans were waiting, these two armed with crude projectile weapons that they carried across their bodies, ready for use at any moment. They asked my name, verified my identity once again, and then permitted me to pass through the station to the outer lobby of the building.
At this point, I was too curious to restrain myself. I passed through the checkpoint, turned back to the guards, and asked, “Are you protecting yourselves from us, or us from you?”
They all looked at me, their strange, white-rimmed eyes, and thought about it for a moment. 
Finally one of them said, “More the second than the first, Sir.”
I set aside the matter of my title, “Why is that?”
They raised and lowered their shoulders, “There are a lot of people who are scared of aliens, and even more who’d like to take your identification card and use it to get off this planet. That’s why no one gets in or out without being logged in our system.”
That was a curious response indeed, but before I could ask more, the door behind me opened, and a wave of heat rolled into the building. 
“Dron Acharya?” A new human said. This one was dressed in a loose outer garment that put me much more at ease than the all-black uniforms and weapons.
“Yes?” I said.
They walked quickly toward me and took my hand, shook it hard with their five-fingered one, and I saw that humans did have talons after all, but they kept them cut short so they wouldn’t be sharp. Their grip was surprisingly strong. “My name is Sandra Wright. I’m from the University of California."
"Good meeting, Sandra Wright. I look forward to traveling with you.”
“Yes, uh, well met. Would you like me to carry one of your bags?”
I handed one over, the heaviest because I wanted to see what human strength was like, and they hoisted it over one thin shoulder and carried it like it didn’t exist out of the door and into the heat. I followed them across an artificial rock slab to a vehicle, and we loaded the bags into the back. I expected there to be a driver, or a computer driving for us, but Sandra climbed in behind the steering apparatus and directed me to sit in the front of the vehicle in the other seat.
“We call that riding shotgun,” They said, “because way back, an armed guard rode next to the drivers on stagecoaches.”
“Fascinating,” I said. The heat outside had shocked my scales into turning nearly white, and I was concentrating on getting them the right color again.
Sandra started the vehicle with the push of a button and we began to move. She also adjusted the climate control, and the heat began to dissipate, which was very welcome.
We rolled through a metal gate, again with armed guards flanking, but they let us roll through without inspection. I saw Sandra relax as soon as we were away from them. They sat back and breathed out.
“You don’t like it there?” I asked.
“I don’t like anywhere with armed guards,” they said. And then, “as soon as we get away from there, I’ll pull over and we can actually introduce ourselves.”
True to their word, as soon as the terminal disappeared out of sight, they pulled over to the side of the road and parked the vehicle, turned to me, and held out a hand again. “I’m Sandra, my pronouns are she/her. I’m a Ph.D. student at the University of California, Berkeley, and I can’t believe I’m talking to an alien right now.”
I flicked my ears at her and took her hand. “I’m Dron Archaya, planetary surveyor. I work for the exploration section of our Galactic Library. I don’t believe your language has a corollary to my social station, so you can use whatever you like to refer to me. My whole job is talking to people from other planets, so I’m sorry to say you aren’t anywhere near my first. Can I ask, why are you covering your face?”
“This?” She touched the mask over her lower face, “it’s to stop us from spreading disease when we’re ill. We wear them around aliens so we don’t accidentally give you a disease or pick something up from you.”
“You don’t need to wear it around me if you don’t want to,” I said. “My species has an extremely robust immune system, and I’ve been inoculated against every disease I possibly can. Including some of your diseases.”
She paused, then pulled off the mask.  And then, to my horror, she bared her teeth at me. They were white and straight, and she very clearly had canines for eating meat. I froze, ears back, and my pupils dilated so wide the sunlight was blinding. Rarely have I been so overcome by instinctive terror.
The human was none the wiser. She turned away from me and dug into a pocket. "I need to let Dr. Samson know I picked you up alright. May I take a picture for him?" I didn't reply right away, and she said, "are you okay?"
I collected myself, "Yes, I'm fine. I was just caught very off-guard by you... Doing that with your mouth."
"Doing what?" She asked, "Smiling?"
"What's that?"
She bared all her teeth at me again, and this time I shuddered back in my seat away from her. The smile vanished.
"Yes, that. It's alarming."
"I'm so sorry," she said, "I didn't even think about it. Is it my teeth?"
"Yes."
She smiled again, this time without exposing her teeth. "I'm very sorry. It's our way of being friendly and expressing happiness, but even among animals on this planet, it's usually a threatening display, so I get it."
"I see," I took a deep breath,  "For my people, showing your teeth is a death threat, or very close to it. I need time to get used to it."
“I’ll try not to do it anymore. Can I still take that picture?
“Yes, go ahead,” I said.
Sandra leaned over the console toward me and took out an electronic device. She clicked a button, and we both appeared on the screen, in a camera. She smiled without teeth, and I perked my ears up a little. There was a click, and the image stabilized. Sandra sat up straight and tapped the screen a few times, then hit a button with finality. “Alright. They know we’re on the way.” She took hold of the wheel again and started the vehicle rolling. “We have a long way to drive, so I hope you’re comfy.”
“I am,” I said, “Thank you for agreeing to travel by land.”
“Oh, I like driving. I should be thanking you for giving me an excuse to take a road trip. We are going to have to stay overnight somewhere on the way back.” I caught her starting to smile again before she caught herself. “Why did you want to drive? Do you not like flying?”
“I prefer flying when I’m trying to get somewhere quickly, but being a planetary surveyor means you need to see the planet you’re on, so there’s no point flying over it.”
“Yeah, that makes sense.”
I watched the new world pass by out my window. It reminded me of home: dry, brown, and scrubby. I thought I might even see some animals similar to home: tiny furry creatures and flying lizards that got their water from gathering dew on their wings.
“I will say, this isn’t the drive I’d choose to show off Earth,” Sandra said. “It’s all desert, you know. For hours.”
“My whole home planet is desert,” I said, “It’s nice to not be assaulted by forests as soon as I land on a new planet, but judging by how cold this vehicle is, I’ll be seeing some soon.”
“Yeah. Where we’re going is a temperate coast with forests and hills.”
I clicked my teeth, trying to hide my disappointment. Humidity makes my scales itch. I was glad I was going to travel around the planet and not just stay in one place for my stay.
"What's your planet called?"
"Chint," I said, "it means hot-home or desert-home."
"It sounds scary."
"It's a category two world," I said.
She glanced at me, "What's that mean?"
I should have guessed the general human population wouldn't know how planets were classified: generally, integration with the galactic culture is driven by the species integrating itself, not the other way around. "Habitable planets are classified on a scale from one to five. Class five planets are Paradises, and class one planets are what we call Deathworlds."
"So a class two is a place that's really difficult to survive in, but you can do it?"
I dipped my head in a nod. "Yes."
"So what's the difference between a class two and a Deathworld?" She was curious: her pupils were dilated and her skin had flushed a little. Her stare had gone glassy. I made a note to myself that humans could think so hard they went into a trance: a good sign. Species capable of deep thought usually don't make rash decisions.
"For Chint, it's the fact that even though the surface of the planet is difficult to survive on, there are cities in rock formations and underground that do well. Also the food there is plentiful and there is lots of water, provided you can dig deep enough to get it, and none of the plants or animals that live there are adapted to attack the peoples who live there."
She nodded, coming out of her trance. "Got it. So a planet like ours, with a lot of different biomes but some challenges will be a class three, maybe? Or a four?"
"Very likely a three," I said, "forests and oceans are friendly to most species."
"And will people want to move here?"
"No, not for a long time. Decades at least. Though your government should encourage tourism. There are a lot of very rich people who love to take tours of worlds in their 'natural' state. It's a very nice way to fund your exploration of nearby planets and stars."
Sandra sighed, "Well, we do have a lot of tourist attractions to show off."
"If you do that, you should build a different port that isn't in the middle of the desert."
She exhaled hard through her nose and made a peculiar wheezing noise that I learned later that day is called laughing. "Hell no! This place is a tourist attraction. Area 51 is right around the corner, and that’s where people have been saying aliens are for decades. We’re gonna drive right by this crazy truck stop: you’ll see.”
 “Should we be quiet so you can focus on driving until then?”
“Nope, we should talk. I want to know how you go about surveying a planet.”
“Generally I start by talking to anyone who will talk to me.”
We talked all through the next several hours of driving, sometimes about Earth and humanity, sometimes about Chint and Chintillik. Sandra was a scholar, an academic, and a scientist of a sort, and she wanted to know everything about everything. Eventually, though, we exhausted small talk. By then, I knew that humans had a planet-wide communication network called the internet, and that if I would probably need to use it very soon. I also knew that I would need to hire an assistant on Earth to help with my work here: there was simply too much I didn’t know and too many things I would need to see.
I was writing down a whole list of things to investigate and fleshing out some of my quick notes when Sandra said, "Why did you decide to come to our university?"
I looked up, "pardon?"
"Why our university?" She said again. "You could have gone anywhere. There are ten colleges I can think of off the top of my head that would have been better choices."
"I prefer to stay away from the most prestigious institutions," I said, "they tend to be insulated from reality, but I also need a base to work out of. The librarian and I considered a few different options, and eventually we settled on the University of California system. If your program hadn't accepted me, we would have asked the Arizona State University."
Her eyes went wide, "You're way better off here, believe me."
"I'm glad you think so." I wanted to go to Arizona. The librarian had convinced me California's system was better because it pushed immediately out of my comfort zone.
"Is that also why you didn't get the government to pick you up and take you to the campus?" Sandra asked.
"Your government isn't allowed to even interact with me more than necessary," I said. "Any special treatment from a governing body means my work here is invalidated, and I would have to be replaced. I am strictly a citizen. They do know I'm here, though, and I have permission to travel around your world."
"That's disappointing. I was hoping you'd be able to get me into the White House for dinner with the President.
I flicked my ears at her in annoyance. I finished a note, and when a looked back out the window, a pair of the most ridiculous buildings I'd ever seen slid into view over the horizon. One was bright pink, the other a violent green. There were large vehicles—trucks, Sandra said—around them both. One billboard read, "Alien Cathouse Brothel," and the other, "Area 51 Alien Center." Both were accompanied by strange mockeries of faces, bright green with huge glassy insect-like eyes that took up their whole head.
I looked at Sandra. She was completely ignoring the road, just looking at me for my reaction. I looked back at the buildings, then back at her.
"Yeah, it's weird. I know," she said at last. "Welcome to Earth. It's only gonna get weirder from here."
I'm collecting all these stories on AO3 under the title Notes from the Deathworld, Earth. If you like my writing, please consider a follow or kudos there.
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iced-academic-latte · 2 days ago
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Humans are Weird: Diwali
(bc it's coming up soon and i really wanna get dressed up - also Sunidhi Chauhan came up on spotify randomly so why not; also italicized words' translations are in bold)
Alien, only recently acquainted with humans: *goes up to the human sleeping quarters and to the room second from the left, seeing the Do Not Enter sign on the door next to it*
*arguing voices inside*
Human 1: suno, I think green works better for the outer edges— ("listen" / "hey")
Human 2: shouldn't we use pink? we have more of that????
Human 3: but it looks like leaves *shakes head* kya keh raha hai bro? *laughs* (literally, "what are you saying"; casually like "are you serious")
Alien: *opens the door, curious*
Human 3: sTOP STOP STOP DON'T— *flings hands up toward alien in a "wait" gesture*
Human 1: DON'T YOU DARE MOVE—
Human 2: GET OUT OHMYGOD
Alien: *surprised* What—
Human 2: please just take a few steps back *looks at other humans*
Human 1: yeah we've worked really hard on this so...
Alien: *moves back a little* why is there colored powder on the floor?
Human 3: *a little annoyed* it's a rangoli. Diwali's coming up tomorrow - you didn't see the lights on Andre's doorstep? (rang = "color", goli / gol = "round")
Alien: no, i haven't gone to that part of the wing yet
Human 2: anyway, so yeah - as Mahek said - this is a rangoli, it's—a thing—an art thing—usually done in front of a house to...
Human 2: *turns to the other humans* guys I'm an ABCD, I forgot what my mum said about this
Human 3 (Mahek): *snickers* *to the alien* Pallavi was pretty dense before she came here, but i guess not much has changed
Human 2 (Pallavi): *inhales* i'm gonna put pink on the last bits, and then i'm gonna eat the rest of your kurkure (literally "crunchy"; a popular Indian snack, similar to cheetos)
Human 1: *interrupts* yea it's used to welcome Lakshmi-ji — goddess of wealth — into people's homes, you know, for good fortune (ji = a suffix term of respect for elders or gods)
Human 1: but since we're in—space... we're just doing it in front of our doors
Mahek: yea that's why I have the sign on my door, next to Krutika
Human 1 (Krutika): *nods at alien* pls don't step on it
Alien: *a little confused* I - I would never, it is quite symmetrical, it has perfect rotational symmetry
Pallavi: that's... kinda the point, it's... in the name. goli - round.
Alien: well - it is very beautiful. the Human Manual does not have this in the art section...
Krutika: no no you can update it after you have some pakora (also a snack - spiced fritters; the best thing on this hellish earth, look it up)
Mahek: *whips head around to Krutika* bro - which kind?
Krutika: ????? i mean???? i made some bread pakora??? there's some onion pakora too???????
Mahek: *grins* as long as we don't have chutney with them
Pallavi: *horrified* yOU EAT PAKORA DRY? AISE HI? (roughly - "just like that?")
Mahek: what no
Mahek: i have chai with them
Mahek: buddhu (casually "idiot" or "dumb" or "stupid", doesn't really mean anything too negative/insulting)
Krutika: so *turns to alien*
Krutika: you got some free time?
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ravenstone12 · a day ago
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I WANT TO READ ABOUT A FREINDSHIP BETWEEEN AN ALIEN AND AN AUTISTIC PERSON WHOS SUPER CUDDLY BUT CNAT TOTCH THEIR ALIEN FREIND BECAUSE OF BAD TEXTURE LIKE REALLY BAD TEXTURE LIKE THE UNDERSIDE OF A RICE POT BUT ALL OVER AND MAKES TEH BAD FEEL WITH LR WITHOUT NAILS TOTCHING AND I WANT THE ALAIN TO BE CONDUSED AS TO WHY ZEIR HUMM FREIND DOESNT CUDDLE THEM AND I MIGHT JUST WRITE THIS ALTER BUT FEEL FREE TO JUST WRITE IT AND TAG ME SO I WILL SEEE IT
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lovelesslittleloser · a day ago
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Oh god… I just saw a haso post calling humans the ‘symbols of hope’… ugh… danganronpa humans are space orcs fic…
@pup-themlin I’m dragging this into the forefront of you mind whether you like it or not
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canyouhearthelight · a day ago
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The Miys, Ch. 205
Wee bit late, but not too bad... less than 45 mins.
I hope everyone is safe from the various weathers... This past weekend, the temps here in my area dropped 20 degrees literally the day after autumn started, so I feel like we’ve gotten super luck.  I still worry about y’all, though, so... again, hope everyone is safe from the fires, flooding, hurricanes, earthquakes, tsunamis, and volcanoes.
Reader shoutout for this week is @kindagayguy... I hope you’re enjoying the series thus far!
For this chapter, I was fortunate enough to have not only the rock-steady @baelpenrose, but also @writing-with-olive and @quantumizedinsanity crawl all over and beta read for me!
And yes, the tremors are a very real thing I experience when stressed and low on B12. While the IRL Arthur has never once lived in close enough proximity to hand me said vitamins, there are enough people in my life who do that I can take a bit of liberty.
“I have only been awake an hour and a half, there has been no opportunity to commit crimes yet,” Arthur sighed as he found me leaning against the corridor outside his office.  “And why do I feel like my boss is waiting to corner me?”
“An hour and a half is ample time, but we both know I’m not your boss.” I followed closely behind him and handed him a coffee.
“I am fully aware of that fact, but I’m not convinced you are. At least not consistently.” He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply before taking a swig of the peace offering. “Mmmmm, poison… So, to what do I owe the pleasure?”
I carefully took one of the chairs in front of his desk - I could vaguely remember one being rigged to fall apart or something, and for the life of me couldn’t remember which it was. “Honestly, I just want to make sure I am fully braced when Nixe and Charly - not to mention Coffee and Tempest - find out what nefarious purposes are behind the, quote ‘self driven learning’ endquote, that you have Teeth doing.”
“What the fuck are you talking about?” His reply was too calm for him to be lying, counterintuitive as it would seem. “We finished the overview of Terran History pre-diaspora, so they have been doing self-guided learning at night to help with learning Terran languages. No evil dolphins involved. Not even a slightly shady manatee.”
Interesting. “So… You didn’t have anything to do with, say, Teeth learning about Von ecology from a section of the Eko-mari archives that we haven’t translated yet?”
He waved me off. “They select what they are learning and translating, Sophia. You know that, it’s literally what ‘self-guided’ means. They just have to make a report to me on what they learned, in English, once a week.”
I rubbed and held my bottom eyelid from the tremor I could feel starting. With the same hand, I started rubbing my temple. “Arthur… Sillanod. Teeth informed me over sandwiches last night that there is a subterranean form of vine on the planet whose sap, when boiled, is as hard if not harder than diamond.”
The bottle he was handing me fell midgesture when his fingers went limp. “There’s what?”
“Mmm hmm.” I picked up the bottle. B vitamins, for the tremor. “I didn’t know about this, but it’s also not my job. Interestingly, neither did Charly or Maverick - and it’s both of their jobs. Turns out no one knew about this, except Teeth, apparently. Who learned it while studying for your class.”
The hand that was still hovering finally sprung to life, landing on its fingertips. “Where the hell did they get that?”
My arms flew open incredulously. “That is what I am asking you!” I groaned loudly. “The data is being released as we translated it into something we understand, but this isn’t part of that group. I don’t want to go to Pranav, seeing as we’ve had a hard enough time trying to remind everyone that Teeth is a literal child. Alice would probably be interested, but since her team is the one working on translating that exact data…”
“And we both know that Alice wouldn’t put Teeth up to this.” One finger started tapping loudly. “Derek. They had to have gotten the data from Derek.”
I snorted. “Doubtful. He likes Teeth, but also doesn’t like people futzing around in his code.” Rubbing my neck as the stress of the situation built, I tried rolling it to loosen it up some. “Do you think they just didn’t realize the data was being worked on?  I mean, we aren’t even sure how many languages Teeth is fluent in, but it’s at least three or four.  If the file was in a language they already understand, and they were working on translation to a Terran one, they may not have even realized that we don’t know what it says.  That data isn’t locked down or anything, is it?”
He pointed one finger to his face. “Not a programmer, not my department, wrong person to ask.” The hand fell, this time to rest gently on the desk. “But if the data isn’t being hidden or anything, you might be right. Although, same caveat, there’s a much simpler solution.”
“I’m all ears over here.”
“One and a quarter, at best,” he scoffed. “Nonetheless… Teeth is the child of a queen and a pirate captain, whose sister-ish thing is an engineer and combat weapons analyst - “
“Xale is a what!?”
“Combat weapons analyst. Try to keep up.  The point is, Teeth is probably bored. Surrounded by squishy adult mammals, practically bedridden since they have to wear that skelly all the time… Derek would be bored as hell, so would I.”
Biting my lip, I turned the idea over in my mind. It seemed plausible, especially since I had just clarified that the exo was - “Arthur, by chance do you have Teeth doing anything that would require being upside down?”
He blinked hard and shook his head. “That took a hard left. What are you talking about?”
“Teeth messed up the calibration on their exo because when they were upside down, the exo still pulled toward their feet, not their head.  I was too focused on trying to understand what they were saying, and Charly and Maverick immediately went into problem solving mode, so I just now realized that none of us actually asked what the hell they were doing to notice that.”
Closing his eyes, he took two deep breaths in what looked like an attempt to steady himself. “This is ‘Mom, Other Mom, and Not-Dad’ stuff. Not ‘Aunt and Uncleish thing’ stuff. Point it out to Charly and Nixe if it hasn’t already occurred to Charly, maybe they’ll know what is going on, and if not, let them deal with it.  It’s bad enough that you are the one here instead of the parental units.”
“Charly is running simulations on the sap, and Nixe is doing Teeth’s aquatic therapy,” I confessed sheepishly.
“Sophia. Phee. Friend. I know it is against the very nature that the universe seems to have woven into you. But you have to stop adopting people - especially not the one person on the Ark with parents to spare. Step back, enjoy your aunt privileges, and let the parents deal with the shenanigans.”
“Ugh.” I wrinkled my nose jokingly. “Do not like.”
“I’m sure you’ll live. Probably longer, this way.” With that, he stood. “Now, if you will please excuse me, I have to review the lesson plans for today’s Gee Cee courses.”
I stood and turned toward the door before freezing mid-stride. “Those lesson plans have been finalized for years, and that’s Simon’s class anyway. I thought he was doing great?”
“He is. Total natural, and most of the classes love him. There were some updates once we came out of FTL, and I want to make sure I’m familiar with them.”
“For a class Simon is teaching?” I tipped my head to the side to make sure I could hear clearly.
A scoff. “I’m covering his classes today, if you must know. He has a date.”  That made me start to turn back around, only to be stopped by a pair of hands. “Oh no you don’t. Out that door, nosy butt.  His classes start in two hours, and I need to be up to speed on the updates for today.”
“Is it Nixe!?” I asked excitedly as he shoved me into the corridor. “Is it??”
“Go ask them yourself. Bye!”
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boldmovesagain · 2 days ago
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so I could do the weirdest dumbest thing and it would be a "bold move" ?
IT IS QUITE POSSIBLE THAT THE WEIRDER YOUR MOVE THE BOLDER IT WILL BE, FRIEND ANON.
EMBRACE YOUR WEIRDNESS. EMBRACE THE IDIOCY OF THE HUMAN CONDITION. EMBRACE THE STRANGENESS OF BEING ALIVE.
BE RISING APE AND FALLEN ANGEL. CRINGE IS DEAD AND WE HAVE KILLED IT. CELEBRATE ITS END WITH ME!
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andejoe · 5 months ago
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Crews Quick Guide to Humans
Quiet humans are not defective. Loud humans are not defective. Unless there is a significant change, assume your human is operating at normal levels.
Human words do not mean the same thing all the time. Look up the study of human tone if you want to always know what your human means.
Human females will smell of blood each month. If this changes, ask your human in private if something happened.
Human males often do not know how loud they are. Asking them to lower their voice is not offensive.
Human cultures vary greatly and various cultures have conflicting beliefs. Most humans will not be offended if you cannot keep up with this.
Humans do not share a hive mind but do have several musical triggers that activate a human chorus. These triggers transcend most cultural and language barriers.
All Stabby units come with a human locator setting. Use liberally.
Ask for a detailed explanation before agreeing to join a human on any non work activity.
Be aware of human hobbies and skills. Humans enjoy company and will likely teach you whatever they know. It is also beneficial to know what your human may do should they get bored.
Do not be too concerned over what humans ingest, so long as they do so willingly and with the full knowledge of what they are ingesting.
Unless you hear a human say something along the lines of ‘I hope this works’ or ‘here goes nothing’, assume they have a working knowledge at the attempted task.
If you hear a human say one of the above phrases, take cover as it is likely too late to stop or report them.
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marlynnofmany · 26 days ago
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“WHY did that alien ambassador just call me ‘peasant’??”
“Sorry, sorry, it’s a problem with the translation software.”
“What kind of problem? Am I about to insult him by accident too? I want it to be on purpose.”
“No, it’s just that the software had trouble with root words and etymology, comparing our concepts to theirs. They don’t have a word for ‘god,’ you see, and—”
“What the blazes does that have to do with it?”
“Look. The word ‘human’ can be translated as ‘person who lives on the ground, or the dirt, or the Earth, and who isn’t a god.’”
“So how did that—”
“It turned into ‘person who lives in the dirt and has no power over others.’ The closest they had when repeating it back through the translator was ‘peasant.’”
“That is the stupidest thing I’ve heard all week.”
“Why do you think I’ve been pressing for everyone to actually learn the language, instead of relying on the translator?”
“Well, if I make it through this meet-and-greet without having to throw or take a punch, I might take you up on that. Stick close. If somebody says something else dumb, I’m turning to you.”
“Don’t look now; the ambassador’s coming back.”
“Great.”
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aizawa-is-a-cat · 2 months ago
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Sixth Fucking Sense Apparently
So humans have a funky little sixth sense for when someone/thing is looking at us and honestly wtf.
So an alien spy is trying to get human info getting progressively more concerned when the human they're tailing keeps looking around and acting like they know the alien is there. Maybe it's an alien species renowned for stealth and no other sentient in the galaxy had ever been able to spot them so at this point they're double checking themselves and going insane.
At this point the human's figured shit out and so they lead the alien into a trap much to Sneaky McSneakfuck's dismay and confusion.
So eventually humans hold a press conference about the whole stalker and the galactic federation or whatever it would be called is like:
GF: How in the dick shitting fuck did you know they were there??
Human: felt them watching me.
Gf: felt them fucking What.
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mysteryteacup · 2 months ago
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Shark ...weak?
Human: This is a shark. It is an apex predator with rows of replaceable razor-sharp teeth and it has existed since before trees, nearly unchanged. For most of human history our medical technology was not good enough for us to survive being bitten, especailly since sharks can and will eat almost anything. They're also incredibly fast swimmers and prefer to attack from below where you cannot see them coming. Luckily they live in the oceans and we live on land so there's only really danger if we go into their territory.
Alien: A place to avoid for certain.
Human: If you decide to go diving with sharks, it's strongly advised that you wear a specialised chainmail bite-proof suit over your diving suit and remain in a large metal bite cage so that they cannot get their powerful jaws around you. However, if you find yourself in the water with a shark and you do not have these protections - for example if you went surfing in shark territory with nothing but a foam surfboard that makes you look like a seal from below and a thin fabric to cover your privates, a stern little boop to the snoot will usually make them surrender.
Alien: ...what.
Human: Always remember, sharks are more scared of you than you are of them!
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nerdybluephoenix · 8 months ago
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"This should do it." It looked down at itself, pleased.
The two - rather long - legs jut out under it's torso. It used it's new - ew - five fingers to feel along it's skin, feeling the bumps of a ribcage underneath. A heartbeat too.
In front of it was a mirror, and staring back at itself was a human. Well, an illusion of one.
Time and time again, the newly star bound aliens, humans, had infiltrated it's species ranks through elaborate disguises. They got better at it every time.
Not only were humans great with what they call "make up" but they had a way of mimicking their behaviors. It's species tried to replicate this. Failed to. In the end, they had something better.
A team of highly immoral scientists who were given boundless permission to try whatever the hell they wanted. And they went with genetic mutation.
It was a painful change, and slow. Agonizingly slow. But now, it was a super solider with one superpower. A shape-shifter.
And it was time to test it out.
It strolled out of the bathroom and into the eating area where various alien species were seated. Only one human - the unwitting test subject - was present.
If this could pass for normal conversation, this could pass for war.
It strolled right up to the other creature - a man who had not yet seen him - and sat down.
"I'm glad to see one other human on this station," it said.
The human non-committedly looked up. Only to jump with a start after taking it in.
"What are you?" he said.
"A human?" it said. If it's species could sweat, it would do so by now.
The man stared at it a moment. He turned to the alien on his right and pointed to his left.
"Forgive me if this question is batshit insane, but what do you see?"
"Two humans?" The alien had three eyes.
Her species' third eye was famous for detecting the most miniscule details and then committing it to subconscious memory. The rise and fall of a chest. The careful rythem of a human heart. How often - or little - a human blinks. Even human's make-up tricks couldn't bypass her species' extra form of security.
"So it is," said the man. She turned away and it found itself blinking quickly in relief. It cut that out when the human turned to it. "Sorry, I guess you're just real ugly."
"Ugh, rude." All humans are ugly.
He scooted in closer on the bench and leaned in towards it. It found itself leaning away, but couldn't help but notice the bead of sweat on the human's forehead and how the pupils were shrunken as far as they could.
"Wanna hear an old Earth tale?"
"I'm sure I know it." Was this a test?
"I doubt you know this one. My grandfather experienced it himself." He leaned away. It had stop itself from blinking too rapidly again. "This is about an Earth cryptid."
"Bigfoot?" it said, but nodded as if it already knew.
"Everyone knows Bigfoot," he laughed. "No, he was driving down a dark country road unlit by street lights. He didn't have his brights on - that's important to the story, you see - but heaven knows why."
Brights??? What are brights???
"Down the road an animal was crossing. A simple male deer with antlers. He couldn't see its body yet, but he was familiar with the eyes. They glowed as his car sped closer."
"He slowed as the deer became more apparent, and eventually came to a stop when the creature wouldn't move. By now, he could see the antlers, the four legs, the neck. Not in detail, mind you, but he could see it "
Other aliens in the room- not hearing this conversation - were trickling out of the room. There was no dramatic reason for this, they simply finished their lunch. The human, not paying any attention to his own lunch, continued the story.
"It's not uncommon for deer to freeze, especially when lights flood their eyes. So my grandfather gave it a moment to realize it should run. When seconds ticked by, he honked at it."
"There was something... off... about the deer. It looked every way like a deer, but the longer he stared, the longer that just didn't seem right."
"Was it a deer?" it said.
"It was not."
"What was it?"
"Not a deer."
The alien found itself frown at this in a perfectly human way.
"Time went on, and my grandfather decided to turn on the brights to try and see the creature better. And it was still... a deer... but not..."
It found its frown deepening.
"What's worse was it began to move. Similar to a deer, but all wrong. Like maybe its legs bent the wrong way. Or perhaps the legs were too long. It was every way like a deer, but it just was not."
"He drove home as soon as that not deer was out of his path. And yes, he found himself alive the next morning. But that encounter disturbed him, so he recounted it to everyone. And many people - especially in that town - could tell him their own stories."
"...okay?"
"Well, that story is funny. Probably a figment of his imagination, but it does reflect a very real human instinct."
This was another test. "Would this be something I know of?"
"It's called uncanny valley. It occurs to us when something looks human... but is not."
"Why?"
"Well, rumor has it that it was a instinct formed from a predator. Something that looked human but was not. A not human."
"A not human? Is this true?"
"No," he said. He laughed. "No, we most likely developed it for something a lot more practical. Corpses, you see. They carry a lot of bacteria, so we have a fear of them."
"...interesting."
"I have that very same feeling of you," he said. The room was empty besides the two. He reached for his bottle above his lunch tray.
"But I'm not a corpse?"
"You're about to be."
The human tossed down the bottle, effectively cracking off the bottom half and forming his weapon.
It shape-shifted as it scurried away to retreat from the very much human.
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spacealienstuff · 5 months ago
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'Nuff said...
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grimfalcon-746 · 16 days ago
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Had a humans are space orcs thought
So you know how humans almost universally like to pet animals no matter the size. (Yes I might want to pet a lion and I am not going to apologize for that. Well what if that is a trait that is unique to us/our planet?
Bounty hunting alien group with their new human crew mate lands on a planet to secure their target. After a brief search, the group encounters a guard dog... of sorts. A beast taller than a moose and built better than a bear snarls and growls, bearing its fangs. All members of the group back away slowly and ready their weapons. All, except the human who suddenly gets excited.
"Oh you're so vicious aren't you? Who's a vicious beast? Whose a vicious beast? Yes you are." The human says.
The rest of the group stares in disbelief at the human, who must have lost his mind. Wondering if they should intervene, but also kind of terrified of both the beast, and now, the human.
The beast leans in, inches away from the humans face, letting out a deep growl. The Human reaches up to pet the it, who quickly leans away, wondering what the furless bipedal is up to. Determined to pet the new animal, the human continues. His hand catching up to its head, he starts to scratch behind his ear.
The beast relaxes, experiencing a joy it never thought it wanted. A few minutes go by, and the beast lays down, relenting to the humans pets. Before long, it shows its stomach, not knowing why just reacting to a primal instinct it did not know existed.
"You want some belly rubs!" The human exclaims, rubbing the beasts belly.
Leg kicking away, the beast gets lost in the bliss for a few minutes, until the alien captain finally speaks up.
"Human, What are you doing. That beast is dangerous!" The captain barks.
"Are you a dangerous beast? Whose a dangerous beast?" The human exclaims, continuing to pet the beast.
"Human!" The captain shouts.
"It's fine! See he likes it." The human defends.
Not believing what they are seeing, the rest of the party continue on to find the target, leaving the human to bond with his new pet.
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garcavisconde · 3 months ago
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Humans are incredibly caring. Gestures that other species would do only in certain ocasions are commonplace for many of the earthlings: Hugging, kissing, making food, gifting. Even the most shy or antisocial of humans is considered loving by certain species.
That said, please stop thinking that human on your ship is courting you. Unless they are giving you flowers and saying things like "I want to kiss you", they are NOT into you. You are reading too much human romance books. Please stop.
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cats-and-anime-789 · 3 months ago
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Humans are space orcs:
Running from the monsters in the dark:
The crew had settled down in the crew quarters and human-Mary was standing by the lights. After she turned them off, Mary quickly dashed towards her bunk and dove under the covers.
“Go Mary go! It’s gonna get ya!” Human-Jack jeered.
Mary smacked him with a pillow in retaliation. “Shut up, everyone runs from the monster.”
“Monsters? Is there an intruder on the ship?” Cariph (a Small Furred species from the planet Orion) was getting ready to hit the emergency alarm.
“What? Oh no, no. Cariph there are no intruders. It’s just a…a myth or superstition.” Mary looked to the other humans for help, and Jack took over the explanation.
“Basically when humans are little, we all believed that there are monsters that can only get you in the dark. When you turn off the light, you have to run as fast as you can to get to your bed because it can protect you.”
“How can a bed protect you from a living being?” Cariph wondered.
“Well I mean those are the rules, the monsters can’t touch you once you are under the covers. And besides the monsters aren’t real, we just get a feeling that something is there, waiting in the dark to get us.”
“But wait… you said only small humans experience this, so why did Mary run?”
“Well… uh adult humans can get the feeling too. That something is there watching and waiting for you to let your guard down. You can tell yourself that it isn’t real, that it isn’t there, but your hair will still stand up, and your deeper consciousness is saying ‘something is there, something is there. Run.’”. The room descended into an eerie quiet as the rest of the crew digested this terrifying belief of humans.
“Well thanks man, I totally didn’t need to sleep tonight.” Human-Casey grumbled at Jack, causing the rest of the humans to laugh.
“Do you need a nightlight, Casey?”
“You know what, sure.”
“Oh I got some fairy lights” Mary offered. Her and Casey proceed to put these “fairy lights” up around the crew beds. After the room was alight with the small twinkling lights that according to Casey “protect us because the monsters cannot be touched by light, less they disappear.” The humans all went to sleep. The rest of the crew was left wondering why all the humans had the same experience. They wondered if something really was waiting in the dark, and the humans merely convinced themselves that it was fake. After all what would willingly hunt humans?
(Author’s note: Hope anyone who sees this enjoys!)
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