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wickedmilo · 3 years

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I’LL INVITE YOU IN | MILO & LUIS

PLACE: A Gala TIMING: A couple of months ago SUMMARY: Milo agrees to attend an event with Luis, and the two find the setting to be oddly intimate WRITING PARTNER: @ontheluis CONTENT WARNINGS: Addiction tw, alcohol tw

Luis’ footsteps were duly muffled on the intricate Ottoman rugs, all sound seeming to be soaked up by the thick window hangings and mahogany walls of this Harris Island manor. Everything he’d done for the syndicate thus far had been in the city's grimy underbelly, the kind of places the society liked to forget existed. None of the people he worked with seemed like they knew what silver spoon to use for what, Luis included. But here they were, attending a ball with some blue bloods in a place whose ceiling fixtures were probably worth more than his kidneys.

What did the boss want here? Luis had a feeling he didn’t want to know the kind of ‘discrete favors’ a monster like Vathnek Beckford was providing to White Crest’s upper crust.

Luis looked down at the ghoul-mark on the inside of his wrist, a misshapen scar from Vathnek’s claw that’d sealed their magical pact. The nauseous sense of accusation Luis felt on seeing it caused him to fiddle with his cufflinks and adjust his suit’s sleeves to cover the mark.

Luis entered one of the many lounges with thick sofas and smoking chairs. Exchanging nods of recognition with several fellow criminals masquerading as gentlemen, Luis went into one of the men’s fitting rooms and rapped softly on the wooden sliding door.

“Hey Milo? You good?”

Milo stared at the floor length mirror opposite him, completely devoid of his reflection, wondering, not for the first time, how he had managed to get himself into this. It wasn’t unusual for him to wind up in places he shouldn’t be. He had put himself in danger more times than he could ever hope to count, but this felt different somehow. When he had been human he had known the risks, or at the very least convinced himself that was true. He understood the chances of being mugged, or taken advantage of, or injured in some way. But he didn’t know this world, he didn’t understand the endless ways the evening could go wrong, and if he hadn’t started it with a cup of blood, and a pain pill, then that would likely be making him nervous. Instead he was curious, ready to throw himself into whatever was about to unfold. Tugging at the sleeves of the suit Luis had bought for him, it felt far more expensive than any item of clothing he had worn before. The Dracula cufflinks he had chosen to amuse himself were in stark contrast with the rest of the outfit. He almost wished he could see himself in it. Maybe he could take a few selfies before the end of the night. Letting out a quiet sigh in response to Luis’ question, he reached out to open the door for him, offering him a sheepish grin. “I’m good.” He confirmed, gesturing vaguely to the mirror, knowing his lack of a reflection would be incredibly obvious. How many other vampires were there currently in the room? Would anybody notice? Would anybody even care? “It’s just- fuck, I’ve been trying to tie this for like five minutes now and apparently I cant do it without a mirror…” Slipping the strip of material from around his neck, he handed Luis the tie, feeling both ridiculous, and amused by the prospect of what he was about to ask. “Any chance you want to do it for me?”

Dad had shown Luis how to tie a tie for church, the only time besides weddings and funerals where the Martinez family went in for nice clothes. Luis crossed the threshold into the small dressing room and slid the door shut behind him. Two walls were covered completely in mirrors while a dark wood closet and cushioned sofa occupied the other. He hadn’t completely understood what Milo meant until seeing only himself reflected in the mirrors.

Luis had to resist the dumbass impulse to poke Milo while looking into the mirror, wondering if his finger would vanish if he stuck it in Milo’s ear or something.

Luis was no scientist, but so many questions started popping into his head about what the hell was happening with photons here.

However he spared Milo ameture science hour, and slung the tie over his friend’s shoulders. “Thanks for coming here with me,” Luis murmured and glanced into Milo’s eyes before returning the silken knot. “I’ll uh...figure out how to make it up to you.”

Milo could almost pinpoint the moment Luis realised what he was talking about, the exact moment his friend’s gaze landed on the mirror and found only his own reflection staring back at them both. It would be comical if it wasn’t such a constant source of frustration for him. So he allowed a tired smile, pushing his hair back away from his face with no way of knowing whether the move had done anything to tame it. Maybe he would have to admit defeat and pull out his phone camera, though he always felt so ridiculous doing so. What if people thought he was filming a Tiktok? Honestly, he would rather die all over again. His smile growing exponentially when Luis took the tie and threw it over his shoulders, he couldn’t help catching his gaze. The close proximity felt strangely intimate, especially given the fact that the door to his dressing room was now closed, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. And he appreciated that, he didn’t have that with many people.

Resisting the urge to roll his eyes when Luis eventually lowered his gaze, he shook his head. This wasn’t the first time he had shown his gratitude, but as far as he was concerned he had no reason to thank him. “Look… you bought me a suit, if anything I should be thanking you.” He pointed out, intentionally keeping his tone lighthearted. He knew the room was filled with dangerous people, maybe his death was leading to him finding crazy new ways of being reckless, and self-destructive. But he was here entirely through his own choice, and in some twisted way he was excited. Not only was this a part of the world he had never been exposed to, underhand dealings, and intelligent power plays, this was a whole new part of the supernatural. And he was always desperate to learn more, always desperate to know. “It’s going to be fine… and I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t want to be. I couldn’t exactly turn down a dinner date with Luis Martínez, could I?”

Luis couldn’t help but wonder about this situation if Milo and himself were both still human. Would they be preparing for some dance? Some fancy college donor reception? Would they just be nervous about some social or dating drama while getting suited up here, rather than whether Luis’ mob connections were about to get them both killed? When exactly had two perpetually stoned accidental monster kids gotten to the point where this was the new normal?

Luis knew deep down that Milo Summers was a predator, no matter how unthreatening that wholesome off-brand Draco Malfoy face seemed. Milo hadn’t asked to become a killer any more than Luis had, but the curses in their veins hadn't asked permission. Luis had been brought up to think of sin as something you chose, a temptation to stray from the honest clean life God intended human beings to lead. But Luis didn't have the chance to choose innocence, just as Milo now had to fight against the urge to rip the lifeblood out of people for an eternity. Empathy for the brokenness that came with loss of agency had turned a casual acquaintance of vice into something more.

But he actually needed Milo Summers the predator tonight. Luis knew just enough about the paranormal underworld to know he was walking into danger at this posh meeting between criminal outfits and rich clients, but not enough to really know exactly what form that danger would take. Luis needed another pair of eyes and someone to have his back that wasn’t also on Vathnek’s long list of indentured debtors. It wasn’t fair that Milo being a friendly murder-corpse made him a good candiate, but Luis would find a way to make it up to him later.

Milo’s assurance that he wanted to be here and broad smile evoked a reflection on Luis’ own face. The expression deepend in warmth at Milo’s teasing about a date. “Crime, nice clothes, and an upscale venue,” Luis replied airily as he attended to Milo’s tie. “I really do know how to show a guy a good time huh?”

The date thing tugged at the back of his mind, as Luis looped one end of the tie up by Milo’s neck and drew it down again, palpably aware of their closeness in here and how Luis could've brushed against the base skin of Milo’s neck if the mood struck him to be purposefully clumsy. The unsentimental part of his brain knew this wasn’t technically different then when they'd toked up in the dark of abandoned buildings together, but that didn’t stop it from feeling like something else entirely.

Yeah, there’d been times back when they’d known nothing about each other that Luis’ had considered offering to share more than pills with Milo for pleasant distraction without any strings attached. Ironically, coming to care for Milo on a deeper level had actually made Luis more hesitant. Luis didn’t have many connections left, let alone friendships, and he didn’t want to jeopardize what he had with Milo. Sure, it didn’t make a whole lot of sense, especially since Luis would’ve happily added benefits to friendship if Milo had asked. However, dread of seeing confused surprise in Milo’s eyes or feeling an unrepairable change in their emotional relationship after sharing that intensely physical part of himself, kept Luis content with the comfortable wingman status quo.

Besides, he should probably focus on the party with the monster mobsters.

Luis stepped back and looked Milo over before reaching out to straighten his collar and a shoulder to keep things even. “Well you’re in luck,” he continued, knowing that Milo didn’t want yet another rehash of the ‘this is very dangerous thank you’ routine. “There’s legit blood wine being served, aged with additives and everything.”

Milo couldn’t be sure what Luis was thinking about but the expression on his face seemed deep, and distracted. He was so clearly lost in his head, and he was hesitant to interrupt what he could only assume was some kind of personal reflection. He had been there, hadn’t he? He found situations like this brought out an introspective side of himself that for the most part lay abandoned and forgotten, pushed away by substances, and his own sheer force of will. There was something about the quiet of the changing room, knowing what lay beyond it, knowing what the evening held in store for them both, that felt vulnerable. For a brief moment in time they were kids again, not two people who had been forced to grow up, who had been attacked against their will, and left to deal with the trauma. Luis too had become the very monster responsible for tearing into his flesh. It was something they shared; a dark, and twisted connection. As terrible as it was, he couldn’t help feeling grateful that his friend was able to understand. Wasn’t that why they had become so close? “Hm,” he hummed quietly in amusement, offering Luis a smile as he continued to tug at the tie around his neck. “Usually it’s just crime on its own, so… a nice change of pace.” He teased, raising his eyebrows as his company stepped back to survey his work. Resisting the urge to shrink in on himself, he feigned confidence, holding out his arms, and turning on the spot. “So?” His smile grew, and he pointedly caught Luis’ eye. “Am I presentable?”

Glancing towards the closest mirror, it was a habit he still hadn’t managed to break, and he stared at the place where he should be standing, annoyed by the fact that he couldn’t see himself. He wasn’t sure why being a vampire needed to come with so many minor inconveniences. Weren’t the major ones enough when it came to making a person suffer? A frustrated huff of breath escaping him, he refused to let his demeanour fade, turning back to Luis with a shameless grin fixed firmly in place. “Blood wine?” He echoed. “I don’t know if I could drink that without sitting in a dark dusty castle somewhere- probably Transylvania. I feel like it has to be Transylvania.” He pictured himself sitting atop an old wooden coffin, lightning storming outside as his cape fell around him, and he sipped blood wine from a beautifully ornate glass. It was outright laughable, but it only made him more eager to try the drink. “Jeez, I’m not even pretentious enough to drink regular wine.” They both knew that wasn’t true, if it had an alcohol content then he was game, but the comment was intended to make Luis laugh. Whether or not it was accurate didn’t feel relevant right now. What mattered was the fact that they were together. What mattered was the fact that, no matter what happened tonight, or on any other night, they were always going to have each other.

Luis instinctively looked with Milo towards the mirror, the reflex of following another person’s gaze overtaking him before he realized the dumbassery of it. “More than presentable,” he assured. It was the truth, tacky buttons aside, Milo was one of those guys who “cleaned up well” as Grandma Martinez would say.

Luis chuckled as Milo turned the conversation towards levity. In truth, Luis had never appreciated wine before being bitten. Ever since his sense of smell had become doggishly keen, all tastes had become more intense. Most colors had faded from Luis’ vision, but flavors had become so complex and distinct that even something boringly bougie like wine now made sense to him.

But it seemed real assholely to share that anecdote with a dude who couldn’t eat and taste as much anymore, so Luis kept that to himself.

“Hey Milo I got something for you..real quick.”

Luis took a handkerchief from his pocket and began to unwrap it. On the white cloth was a switchblade, a lightweight yet viciously edged toll of backalley violence. Luis took up the small flip-knife with his free-hand. Immediately, veins of irritation and necrosis began to climb up the tips of the werewolf’s fingers from where he touched the silver knife.

“I’m not the only one here that silver hurts,” Luis explained in a low voice as he offered the switchblade to Milo, pale metal gleaming in dressing room lights. “Just in case.”

Milo caught the gaze of Luis’ reflection although he knew Luis wouldn’t be able to see him, smiling sheepishly. It wasn’t often he was deemed presentable, let alone more than presentable. He almost felt like a different person, a new person. Not the Milo who passed out in gutters, and crashed in dirty apartments with no memory of how he had gotten to them. This was the Milo who combed his hair, who made the effort to shave, who scrubbed his face with cleanser, and actually worried about creasing his clothes. Raising his eyebrows in a silent question, he turned back to Luis, curious about a potential gift. It was only as his friend carefully unfolded a handkerchief that he realised the gift wasn’t something he wanted. The blade was short, and sharp, his clear vision allowing him to see just how deadly the edge of it was. “I-” He broke off, every instinct telling him to reject the offer, to insist Luis keep it himself. He wasn’t a violent person, it didn’t come naturally to him. He was far more comfortable on the sidelines, or actively running from a fight. But he knew that wasn’t why Luis had asked him to come, he knew they both needed to be smart tonight. Smart, observant, and prepared. As much as he hated to admit it, he might need the knife. He might have to use it. Why was the prospect of danger only ever fun until it became real?

Pushing his glasses up his nose, he watched as Luis handled the weapon, staring for a second too long as his body began to react to the silver. He wanted to ask whether it burned but the werewolf wasn’t showing any sign of pain. Regardless, a new instinct took over, and he reached out to snatch it away, hoping to spare his company from any further damage. “You didn’t have to touch it!” He insisted. “Drama queen.” He added, a smile still tugging at his lips. Looking down at the knife, it felt so alien, so uncomfortable in his hands. But he knew he was in no place to set it down, not now. “Are you sure?” He asked quietly, his smile fading, replaced by a serious expression. What they were walking into, as exciting as it felt, was no joke. “About- y’know, all of this?”

“I uh,” it seemed to occur belatedly to the werewolf that he could have just picked the knife up in the kerchief and handed it over. “Didn’t think about…,” Luis shrugged while his features gave way to a broad sheepish smile, dimples winking into existence on his cheeks.

But the moment of bashful levity passed as Milo succumbed to seriousness. “Yeah,” Luis answered. “I can’t keep hurting people like this I uh.”

The werewolf ran a hand through his sandy hair, some strands coming loose as a nervous habit quickly undid his efforts to slick it all back into presentableness. “I don’t know how you’re handling your change Milo but I’m…”

Why was he confessing this now? This wasn’t the time! Shit, but the worlds felt like they needed to come out now. But how could he burden Milo with one more thing to worry about when they were about to walk into danger? It felt selfish. “Losing me, like what made me human,” Luis confessed anyway, turning to face the mirror briefly being unsettled by the sight of his own reflection talking to himself alone in an empty room. “I can’t control any of it,”

The phone in Luis’ pocket buzzed but he ignored it, briefly pacing in the small dressing room like a caged beast chained in an evening suit. It seemed to take Luis a minute to realize that the stress was letting out the thing inside of him. The werewolf paused, fighting down the burst of freneticism as his shoulders rose and fell with long steady breaths.

“Milo,” Luis began when his mind was more still. “I’m...uh..I’m one of the ones the Hunters talk about,” the rabid wolf confessed quietly.

Luis swallowed letting the implication speak for itself. “I don’t want to die,” he assured. “But I can’t keep waking up covered in blood either.” Self-revulsion and determination made a painful interplay across Luis' face but the later seemed to win out, a long exhale adding steel back into the young man’s posture. “That’s why I’m doing all this, risking getting mixed up with these people,” the budding criminal insisted.

“Vathek’s got a cure,” Luis asserted with the quiet fervor of the truly desperate, those souls who’ve been pushed so far past the breaking point that now nothing could be too impossible or extreme to risk everything for. “And if I have to deal with mobster politics and do some sick stuff now so I don’t have to ever kill anybody else ever again for the rest of my life? Yeah, I’m in.”

The phone in Luis’ pocket buzzed insistently again, signalling the approach of the deadly dinner date.

Luis tried to meet Milo’s gaze and moved away from the door in case his friend wanted to get the hell out after everything he’d shared. “I didn’t want you to go in there with the wrong idea about me, what I really am, or why I’m doing this,” the killer said. “If you're not comfortable now that you know it, and need to head out, like that's ok. I’ll understand,” Luis promised.

Milo smiled at Luis, comforted by the fact that he seemed to be clumsy and unsure of his own condition. It was something they shared, something they had in common, and it made his friend infinitely more likeable. “I do the same thing sometimes.” He admitted. “I’ve had to stop halfway through opening the curtains before, it’s this weird instinct to let in the sunlight… I guess it’s just what humans do. You don’t even think about it.” As quickly as his smile appeared, it began to fade, stolen by the change in atmosphere, by the sudden, unfamiliar look in Luis’ eye. It was the first time he had ever heard Luis explicitly confess to hurting others, and he knew he needed to be careful when it came to his reaction. The information was personal, Luis didn’t have to share it, no doubt he would be watching to see whether he looked horrified, or upset, or disgusted by the revelation. Waiting patiently as he ran a hand through his hair, creating a tousled look that almost seemed intentional, he eventually stepped forward, reaching up to brush a few strands back into place. His friend’s hair was soft, and every time he ran his fingers through it waves of his natural scent seemed to roll off of him. But it wasn’t unpleasant, quite the contrary. “It’s okay.” He said quietly, although he wasn’t sure it was fair of him. He wanted it to be okay, but what about Luis’ victims? The people who had lost their lives to his wolf?

Letting out a gentle sigh, he slipped the knife into his pocket before lowering his arms, stepping back again so that he could properly see his company. The man before him looked so broken, so lost, he wanted to wrap him in his arms and hold him until he found a way to put himself back together. He still wasn’t sure the cure was real, but it definitely seemed more possible than a cure for vampirism. He was dead, Luis’ body had only changed. Could it be treated like an illness? Could it be reversed somehow? Why didn’t more people know about a cure if there was one in existence? He had so many questions, but he held his tongue. Luis needed support, not doubt. Faltering briefly as he heard his phone buzz, he swallowed, debating how much he wanted to tell him. “Luis… when you lose control, that isn’t your fault, you know that, right? I know it’s your body, but you aren’t responsible. You don’t know how I’m handling my change because- because if I talk about it I feel like I’m going to go insane. But you aren’t alone in feeling… I don’t know… hopeless.” Glancing up at the mirror, at the place where his reflection was supposed to be, he frowned, turning away from it so that he could move to sit on the cushioned bench lining the wall. Patting the space beside him, he encouraged Luis to sit down too, even though he had a feeling they were running out of time.

“When I woke up… I didn’t know what I was, or even what had happened. I just knew I felt… really fucking terrible. I hid in an alleyway, railed my entire stash- I kept thinking this is the worst comedown of my life...” Laughing bitterly at his own ridiculous assumption, he shook his head. If only it had been a comedown. “It got late, people started showing up for the clubs, and bars, and one person- they probably thought I was tweaking or some shit- they tried to help me. The next thing I know they’re-” He broke off, choking on his words as his vision became blurred by tears. Brushing them away with the sleeve of his suit jacket, he steeled himself. It was the first time he was ever saying them out loud, fully letting somebody know the true extent of the damage he had caused. And it was far more painful than he ever could have anticipated. “I watched them die, I’ll never get the image out of my head… and all I could think about was drinking their blood. I’d just killed them, I’d just drained them of their blood, and all I could think about were the few drops that I’d missed. If another vampire hadn’t found me I don’t think I would have stopped. I probably wouldn’t even have noticed that they were…” He exhaled, his breath shaky as more tears began to run down his cheeks. “It took me so long to stop blaming myself, but the truth is… if whoever did this to me had chosen to stick around, it wouldn’t have happened. I didn’t know what I was doing, it wasn’t my fault. And now that I know how this works, I’m making an effort to ensure it never happens again. You’re doing everything you can, Luis… you aren’t a bad person. The blood isn’t on your hands, not in the that way you think it is.”

“I have the power to stop the killing,” Luis said finally after a time staring blankly at a mahogany wall while Milo spoke. “At any time I could’ve put an end to it and saved so many more lives.” He swallowed down the tenseness in his throat. “But I’ve been too much of a fuckin coward, and other innocent people have kept paying for it with their lives.”

Luis turned his head to look at the vampire beside him, features steeled with the bleak strength that comes from looking self-annihilation directly in the face, perhaps holding its gaze for far longer than was healthy. Already reckless even before having every emotion dialled up to a fever pitch by lycanthropy, it hadn’t taken Luis Martinez long to realize that so many more people would be alive right now if someone had put a silver bullet in him early on.

“It isn’t about if it’s my fault,” claimed one young killer to another. “It’s about the people who’re being hurt. Does me being innocent or guilty do anything for the grieving families? I could be completely blameless but the people I ate and keep eating will still have been torn apart by a monster,” Luis said.

He let out a long shuddering breath before saying the part that probably should have been left unsaid. “Our lives aren’t worth any more than any other person,” the lapsed Catholic asserted. “So many of the supernaturals I’ve met make excuses, they kill people all the time but then go and on about how they are real victims, that they can’t be judged for they can’t control,” said the fledgling werewolf who’d perhaps spent too much time among fellow predators in the Bloody Stake. “Human lives are just expendable extras to them now, they’ll get all upset when a supernatural gets killed, but then shrug off slaughtering a buncha humans like it's somehow not as bad.”

“I don’t want to get that far gone,” Luis insisted to Milo, words becoming more heated and erratic as the normally amiable young man got too close to the spiritual unravelling inside of him. ‘But I can feel myself slipping...I can’t...remember their faces like I used to. The more I kill like...the more I acclimate to it.”

Although along the way Luis Martinez had come to hold onto his remorse, that capacity for recognizing the essential humanity of his victims, as the anchor to his own personhood. But matter how empathetic you are, doing anything enough times and it starts to lose impact, and Luis had done a lifetime of killing in the space of a year. As he grew numb to death, Luis became ever more unmoored from his sense of self.

Luis reached up to brush away some tears from Milo’s face if the other guy let him. “Thank you Milo,” he said softly, only able to guess at how much it took Milo to admit to all that. “I appreciate it man like...seriously,” he said with any scorn for his companion’s breakdown. “I don’t think you're a bad person either,” Luis assured. “I’m trying to find a way to keep that from happening again,” he gave a toothy smile that hinted at bitterness around the edges. “And I’m choosing the one that makes sure we can still do that roadtrip later,” Luis teased, gentle humor hiding the reassurance that he had chosen this road of vice and moral compromises over the lethal purity of a final alternative.

“That’s not fair, Luis.” Milo said, his voice barely louder than a whisper as he considered the terrifying implication behind his friend's words. Would the world be better without him? Without either of them? You could use that perspective to force so many things, to blame so many people for accidents, and mistakes that were far, far beyond their control. “You can’t think like that…” He trailed off, unsure of what else to say. Luis was more than capable of thinking in such a way, and he was absolutely powerless to stop it. He had his reasons, and he couldn’t imagine living through the horrors he had suffered. He had witnessed one person die at his own hands. Would he be okay, would he still be functioning if it wasn’t just one person. What if it was two people? Or three? Or five? Or ten? At what point did it become too much? At what point did the horror consume you? “I don’t think you’re a monster…” Holding Luis’ gaze for as long as he was able to, he finally looked away, staring down at his hands as he thought about his life, and what it was worth now that he had taken somebody else’s. Nothing was going to change the fact that he had killed somebody decent, somebody willing to help a stranger. Why did he of all people deserve to still be here? Still be somewhat alive, somewhat living...

“You aren’t that far gone…” He murmured. “We aren’t that far gone.” Chewing on his bottom lip, it hurt to hear Luis talking about becoming so desensitised. But not because he was considering the forgotten victims. Selfishly, he was upset because it told him just how much his friend had experienced. Just how desperate his brain was to stop processing the trauma of his situation. His expression softening, he tilted his head, looking back up at Luis as he brushed away his tears. His touch was surprisingly gentle, and definitely not unwelcome. It felt good to know he wasn’t being seen as a terrible person. That Luis was still willing to touch him, to be near him. It would be contradictory if he decided otherwise, but sometimes it was so easy to believe he was a waste of time. People could definitely do better than Milo Summers, and it often only felt like a matter of time before they realised that. “You don’t?” He asked, unashamedly needing the confirmation. If he could ask Luis to say it a thousand times over, then he would. “You’re the first person I’ve ever… I’ve never talked about it before. I still don’t know how to get over it… I’m not even sure I want to. Does that- does that sound stupid?” Offering a weak smile in return, he pushed his glasses further up his nose, tugging at his shirtsleeves in an attempt to compose himself. “I’ll do whatever I can to help you… you know I will.” He insisted, needing Luis to know he would always be there for him. It felt like the very least he could offer. “Hm… when you’re human again, you’re not going to want to go on a road trip with a vampire.” He was half teasing, though part of him felt guilty for encouraging what was potentially false hope. Another part of him was worried what he was saying might be true. If Luis ever became human, he would be mad not to put as much distance as he could between himself and the world of the supernatural. “Don’t let me hold you back.”

“No,” Luis shook his head at the admission. “It doesn’t sound stupid,” he assured. “Thank you for trusting me.”

There’s been a time where Luis’ had been clear, as open and bright as the sky over his father’s ranch. Honesty, hard work, love, and faith has been enough. If you kept to these things, you’d always find your way home.

Maybe back then, Luis would’ve been pretty sure what kind of person Milo was. His heart had been clean and the thought of taking another life was unthinkable.

But now? Everything seemed like a fog he was stumbling through, looking for a blue sky to show him the way but only sinking deeper into grim moral compromises.

Was Luis unable to condemn Milo because of empathy, or was Luis just so totally lost that he couldn’t tell right from wrong? Did Milo and Luis deserve to take up space in the world if it cost others lives? How could Luis justify allying with criminals simply for hope of a cure? Was there moral weight in any of this, or just desperation searching for answers that didn’t exist?

All Luis knew is that dad once said you have to keep walking in a snowstorm, because if you lay down you're as good as dead. Life right now was a blizzard, and all Luis could do was keep walking no matter what, and have faith his feet would find their way home.

“Milo when I’m human, I am going to take you south on a road trip,” Luis reiterated stubbornly, accepting the risk even in some future time where he might be powerless against Milo should his friend lose control. “We’ll go to my place in Texas…and I’ll invite you in,” Luis finished with slow emphasis on the words, a promise to wager his safety for the sake of trust.

Tonight Milo was risking everything for Luis’ humanity. Why would Luis hold anything back in return?

His phone buzzed again. Time to face the serpent’s nest.

“You won’t hold me back,” Luis said, momentarily squeezing Milo’s shoulder before rising and giving himself one last look-over in the mirror. Luis straightened his collar and painted on a carefree smile, the look of a better man who never felt lost.

“C’mon dude, can’t wait to seem them shit themselves when they see your lapels.”

#c:luis #milo and luis #drug tw #addiction tw #alcohol tw

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belladonnasatenaeum · 3 years

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'Dernière Danse': The Underlying Message

There's a French song you likely might have heard on TikTok, used more often than not in Gothic TikToks or even some Academia TikToks. One TikTok I recall seeing it in was a vampire aesthetic based TikTok, with someone lipsyncing to the chorus of the song. Sometimes, you find out later what the song is actually called, and my goodness, the quick 15 second videos on TikTok do not do any justice to the song. The song is called 'Dernière Danse' by the singer Indila, the title roughly translating to 'Last/Final Dance'.

When you first listen to the song, you would naturally think of balls within a dark manor, candles flickering and lighting the space within its warm amber glow. The unique element of orchestra and pop elements creates a song quite like nothing you've ever heard, and something I've yet to hear other musicians do. However, if you think this is a song of love, you would be sorely mistaken.

You see, Indila isn't just some pasty white woman. Sure, she is kinda pale, but that doesn't take away from her heritage. You see, she has ancestory from Algeria, India, Egypt and Cambodia - so much so that she calls herself "a child of the world." And it seems, 'Dernière Danse' does have a lot of emotion to it, but not of a romantic kind. It is one of deep, immense pain and sorrow. The song tells the story of a young immigrant woman who must endure racism throughout the day as she desperately wishes to escape the torment and comfort herself from the harsh judgement of the people around her.

There is some incredibly interesting wordplay in the lyrics for the song, one only those who speak French can spot and breakdown for those who can't. But once they have, it forever sticks out in your mind. If you want to understand what is being sung, then please follow this link here: https://www.frenchlyricstranslations.com/derniere-danse-lyrics-translation-indila/

The word play comes in the line "Ô ma douce souffrance" (Translation: "Oh my sweet suffering"). This is our indication of what is causing this young woman her pain and misery. It's right in front of you, and yet it takes a keen eye to spot it. This wordplay actually indicates that France itself is the cause of this woman's pain. And let's be real for a second, France is just as guilty as Britain, Spain, Germany and The Netherlands when it comes to colonialism, and thus the rampant spread of racism and all other horrific things that come with colonial rule. And after the terrorist attacks in 2015, 2 years after the release of "Dernière Danse", racism has been sadly seeding it's way into French way of life such as with France's ban on face coverings which could impact specific cultures and religions such as Muslims, which, more often than not, many immigrants making their way to France are. While the bill does try to bring about good - by essentially making it illegal to FORCE someone to wear a face covering veil if they don't want to (especially in the case of children, where I personally believe that religion should be kept away from children until they are old enough to understand it), it could also become a slippery slope to what a certain President Orange-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named attempted in the US, and in some degrees succeeded.

Which leads me to think, while it is a brilliant song and many can relate to it with its feelings of sorrow, how do I feel about seeing white people - like myself - lipsyncing to it? I've not heard any complaints, and as I mentioned, the song is very relatable, and it can be applied to things outwith racism - grief, loss, bereavement, breakups, stress, mental illness and so on, but is it really a song for white people to cling to? The song contextually is about an immigrant, so how come most of the TikToks I've seen with this song are everyone but immigrants and BIPOC people? The ones I've seen get shared on YouTube in compilation videos usually are skinny, white women/AFAB people. When BIPOC creators have made TikToks with this song. In fact, here's a TikTok made by a Black creator also following a vampire theme: https://www.tiktok.com/@tatendaluna/video/6939523674877758722?lang=en&is_copy_url=1&is_from_webapp=v1

And yet it seems, as I am scrolling through TikTok, the vast majority of the videos are by white people. Sure, white people emigrate, but we will never truly understand the pain of the immigrant who arrived in France to hatred and disgust, getting abused day in and day out. Now, there could be a logical explanation; maybe more white people just happen to know about the song? Given when I first heard it, I only had the melody to go off of, and Googling "da da da da da-da da da da" isn't going to get me anywhere. But even having that as a factor, there is a known history of TikTok promoting more white people's TikToks over the creations and hard work of BIPOC people.

So, do I think white people should lipsync to the song? I mean, if it's all in harmless fun, then sure. It's a song - we all love to sing and lipsync, it's not gonna harm anyone, even if you sing like a cat just got scared down a dark alleyway. However, I think it is also incredibly important that we understand and recognise the context of the song - it's not a song for vampire lovers to sing, it's not a song for witches to sing during a ritual, it's not even an Academia or aesthetic song; the song is a harsh reality for many immigrants fleeing war and persecution, and wherever they land they are immediately slammed with hatred.

'Dernière Danse' is one of my favourite songs to listen to. It is a beautiful blend of orchestra and pop that never get tiring, and for the people who do like vampires and witches and academia I can see why this song would stick out. For crying out loud, I'm one to talk - I'm a Goth Pagan from Scotland! And with this 'essay', I do not wish to shame people from creating TikToks with this song. On the contrary, actually. This song is brilliant and as an artist myself, the amount of ideas this song brings to me is wondrous. However, I think it is high time that people understand that 'Dernière Danse' is, and will forever be, a song for the immigrants. It is their song to express frustration and pain; and I implore you to look out for your immigrant neighbours. Recently, the city of Glasgow stopped the deportation of some Indian men, which when I caught wind of it made me incredibly proud to be a Scot. Sadly, though, the fight is far from done. It is our duty to fight for those seeking security and safety. If I recall correctly, that's exactly what Odin asks us to do in Stanzas 2-4 of the Havamal, correct? To be hospitable to those who come to our doorstep. Now, I may question Odin's logic from time to time, but on this I think his words are sound wisdom. If even the All-Father tells you to be hospitable to immigrants, then you best take his advice.

At the very least, I hope that either you got the chance to discover this song, or you found a new way to view the song, from my little 'essay'. As mentioned, I do not intend to shame anyone who likes the song. Indila is a brilliant artist and I heavily enjoy her works. I merely hope this highlights the underlying message that I think often gets overlooked. I hope you found some enjoyment in this. If I am incorrect about anything, please do feel free to correct me. I am always open to learning. Until next times, yours

~ Belladonna

#dark academia #derniere danse

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littlemisslovelovelove3 · 3 years

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If this comes across your dashboard, just ignore it. I’m stressing out but it’s 4am and everyone I could normally talk to is sleeping, so I’m basically using this as a digital venting session/journal entry because it’s easier than digging out all my actual journaling stuff.

I don’t know what’s going on with me tonight but I’m feeling very off. I’m feeling an intense urge to cry like I haven’t felt in years despite nothing of importance happening. And not like “aww I’m a little sad” but like “I want to sob like the love of my life just died” cry. The ugly, splotchy face, runny nose, can’t catch your breath kind of crying session that dominated my childhood. (I had a very good childhood- I was just hella dramatic and still am. I was never a weeper, I was an all out crier)

My sleep schedule has been fucked up for like the 300th time this year where I am wide awake all night and sleeping all day, or at least some variation of that. I’m so tired all the time but there have been more nights this year than any other year in recent memory that I’ve struggled this much with sleep. I used to be out almost as soon as my head hit the pillow and now it’s not uncommon for me to be wide awake at 8am having not gone to sleep at all. And I’m sure not seeing a decent amount of sunshine isn’t helping, but once I finally manage to pass out, I’m out. It’s not always restful, but it’s better than no sleep at all.

I’m struggling to focus on anything for a decent length of time- I’ve bought an ~obscene~ number of books, started half a dozen of them and none of them are holding my interest. I used to be able to fly through 800 page books in under 2 days and now I can’t even read a 472 page book in 3 weeks. I’ve read some fan fiction to see if that will help my reading slump but it’s been touch and go on those too.

I’ve tried watching tv and with the exception of the few shows I watch at night with my mother, I’ve been unable to get through any new or currently started shows. I restarted Rizzoli & Isles and haven’t been able to make it through the first season of a whopping 10 episodes. I’m beyond behind on Doctor Who, I lost interest in my favorite show of all time Buffy the Vampire Slayer, stopped Angel and haven’t been able to get through episode 2 of The Queen’s Gambit. Even picking a tv show has been hard. I was never good at making simple decisions before but now I’m hopeless.

The only movies I’ve watched lately are with my mom or the kids movies I watch with my friend’s son that I nanny for part time. He’s a great kid and I live him like he was my own, but I can’t watch The Addams Family one more time. It’s great but damn kid pick one of the other 50,000 available options.

I scroll through social media a lot but even that bores me. Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, tumblr, tiktok, Snapchat- none hold my attention for very long. Except maybe tiktok because I’m pretty sure it’s digital crack but sometimes even it bores me.

I’ve been awful about going to the gym. I used to go 4-6 times a week and lately it’s been once a week and only because I pay for a group session with a trainer. It’s literally me and 1-3 other women depending on the day. And I can feel myself losing endurance, muscle and strength.

We aren’t going home for Christmas and while I absolutely understand why, I’m incredibly devastated that I won’t see my sisters, their families and my extended family this year. Sure I saw my one sister and her family in June but there’s something about going home for Christmas that is always extra special to me. We’re (my parents, brother and I) are going to miss out on my nephew’s second Christmas and the first one he’ll be able to really enjoy. He was 4 weeks at his first Christmas so he basically slept the whole time. We already missed his first birthday and while we’ve FaceTimed a bunch, it’s not the same.

And I was really hoping to see my grandpa, but he’s 91 and I could never forgive myself if I exposed him to covid. But I’m also scared about the very real possibility of never getting to see him again. His wife, my grandmother died 2 years ago and if I had known that the last time I saw her was the last time, I would’ve hugged her a little tighter and told her how much I love her. I miss her every day. I catch myself still calling the house “their home” or “grandma and grandpa’s”. Calling it “grandpa’s” still feels foreign to me. The idea that I’ll be missing Christmas with my dad’s family for the first time in my life is not sitting well with me.

My head gets it- there’s a fucking pandemic raging and traveling is ill advised but my heart doesn’t care, as melodramatic as it sounds. It’s like my body wants to go home to my hometown and back to where I grew up like it’s somehow going to be a source of comfort. Even though it’s not the same as it was when I lived there. I moved away 5 years ago and it kept on growing and changing despite my naïve belief it would stay the same.

So basically I’m feeling incredibly nostalgic and stressed. My anxiety is raging and I’m pretty sure the antidepressant my psychiatrist prescribed me isn’t doing much. I’m not having dark thoughts like I was in the spring when I first started seeing him, but I still don’t feel like myself. I’m also unemployed which is definitely not helping matters. I have savings and live with family but that’s not a long term solution. But my family is all high risk for covid and there aren’t many jobs around me right now that a) pay enough and b) can limit exposure.

If it weren’t wildly inappropriate I’d drive myself to my friend’s house right now and go snuggle his dog and/or cat right now, because honestly I feel like that would help. But I’ll wait until the morning when he’s at work so I don’t scare the shit out of him. Full disclosure if you’ve actually been reading this and made it this far- I’ve been given a key and explicit permission to go to his house and squeeze his pets. Tomorrow I might actually take him up on the offer. I may even bring the dog back to my place, which again, I’ve been given permission to do.

Adult friendships are weird y’all. My friends and I all have keys or security codes to each other’s homes and using them happens on a more frequent basis than I would’ve anticipated. My house has become the Friday night landing zone for after work (for them) drinks, relaxation and occasionally dinner. Which is so foreign to me because for the last couple years all my friends lived in other cities and/or states, so actually being even somewhat social again has been jarring. Between not having friends nearby and the damn pandemic it’s been really really fucking weird.

I’m sure the pandemic is a major reason I’m feeling so out of sorts, but it’s not going away any time soon and I feel like I need to figure out some of my shit or at least find some healthy ways of coping to survive. Not anything crazy- I’m not suicidal- I’m just super dramatic and also realize that I don’t want my anxiety and depression to keep controlling me like it feels like it has been. I’m big on needing to feel like I’m in control even the littlest bit, so this whole situation is making me feel very unbalanced and I’m not a fan.

And now that I’ve at least written this out I’m actually feeling somewhat better. The stress is still here but it doesn’t feel as overwhelming as it did earlier. It helped I cried while writing about my grandmother. One day I hope I won’t get overly emotional when thinking about or talking about her, but I’m ok with that being not today.

It’s kinda cliché but the whole “it’s ok to not be ok” mantra is really accurate for me right now. I’m sure I’m not the only person in the world feeling overwhelmed right now with everything going on and I certainly won’t be the last.

#personal #depression #anxiety #stress #pandemic #journal #venting

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deadcactuswalking · 4 years

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REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 31/10/2020 (Ariana Grande, KSI, Little Mix)

I haven’t heard that Ariana Grande album yet as of writing this but the lead single – and title track – “positions” has just debuted at #1 on the UK Singles Chart, her seventh song to hit the top and second this year after “Rain on Me” with Lady Gaga. Hence, that’s today’s #1 and we have a busy and pretty chaotic week of new arrivals. Welcome to REVIEWING THE CHARTS.

Dropouts & Returning Entries

A lot of their debuts from last week were completely wiped out on this week’s chart which surprises me, especially for songs I thought would hit it big like “One More Time” by Not3s and AJ Tracey. Our notable dropouts here range from bonafide smash hits like “Roses” by SAINt JHN and remixed by Imanbek, which hit #1, although I always preferred “Swoosh” from the same album, to pretty easy and quick fall outs from songs I’ve reviewed in the past few weeks. We’ve got songs that peaked in the top 10 like “Rover” by S1mba and DTG and “I Dunno” by Dutchavelli, Tion Wayne and Stormzy but otherwise that’s mostly it as a lot of these drop-outs are just songs that didn’t really reach their charting potential or have mostly had their day in streaming, like the surprisingly quick drop for “my ex’s best friend” by Machine Gun Kelly and blackbear, as well as “Destiny” by D-Block Europe, “Tap In” by Saweetie, “FRANCHISE” by Travis Scott, Young Thug and M.I.A., “OK Not to Be OK” by Marshmello and Demi Lovato, “Airplane Mode” by Nines and NSG and even “Outta Time” by Bryson Tiller and Drake. If you’re worried about the loss of MGK’s song being too soon for whatever reason, don’t fret as “forget me too” with Halsey, a much better song, is here at #72, our only returning entry for the week. I might as well run through the biggest gains and falls, those both being last week’s debuts. “Train Wreck” by James Arthur absolutely surged up to #24 whilst “Hold” by Chunkz and Young Filly absolutely purged down to #59. To be fair to the general public, I think I’d rather listen to something from four years ago than that song as well. Anyway, let’s start our new arrivals with a couple really interesting choices...

NEW ARRIVALS

#75 – “Sofia” – Clairo

Produced by Rostam

Clairo is one of those artists where I feel completely out of the loop on, especially with all the recent buzz from TikTok, and I was not checking for that album last year, and whilst I didn’t mind her feature on Wallows’ “Are You Bored Yet”, I’d never been intrigued enough to check out the solo work until I guess here we see it on the chart, which is big for the genre of bedroom pop, which again I know next to nothing about. Now, I like lo-fi indie rock fine, but I’ve never really tried to look into the bedroom pop micro-genre – if anyone has any recommendations, that would be appreciated – so this will pretty much be a first gaze into not just Clairo but the entire scene surrounding her. I’m not a Vampire Weekend fan by any means but Rostam on production just give me hope, even if the mix here is a bit too drowned in reverb and echo to give the guitars any more impact when they really should have, at least I think so, they’re pushed back in a way that makes an already pretty calm, fleeting indie single even more lacking sonically. Clairo sounds great on this instrumentation, admittedly, albeit kind of uninterested, but it really is about that fuzzy distortion in the drop that feels... oddly anti-climactic and seemingly pointless considering how little progression is made before or after it. Maybe this genre just isn’t for me, but I feel myself turned off from how Clairo’s pretty beautiful vocal harmonies are not reflected by the production here, whether it be the stiff percussion, abrupt ending or overall lack of substance. This is kind of disappointing as I really wanted to like this. The song is a pretty vague but longing ballad mostly revolving around her crushes on people she saw in the mind, particularly Sofia Vergara and Sofia Coppola, hence the name, and I think it’s actually really well-written. I especially love how the chorus seems to acknowledge that not only are these crushes clearly out of her reach as a teenage girl just discovering her sexuality but also mentioning how afraid she is to really develop on any of these feelings because of how it’s prejudiced against and in some countries outlawed, but the song easily works as just a confession of love without really realising the statement, so it doesn’t feel forced or unnecessary. Sadly, I guess Rostam had to put his prints on this one, but the song itself isn’t bad at all. Hey, I’m not going to complain about a song where I can look at pictures of Sofia Coppola for “research”.

#74 – “All Girls are the Same” – Juice WRLD

Produced by Nick Mira

It’s so odd and kind of heartbreaking to see the Genius comments for this track where they say Juice is “up next for 2018”. It’s also pretty amusing to see some of these annotations...

God, I love Genius.com. This is a 2017 Juice WRLD track from the late rapper that was released as a single from his debut album, Goodbye & Good Riddance. I don’t really understand why this had a resurgence – again, I’m going to assume TikTok or some kind of remix – but it is funny to see a bitter, immature and sloppily-written song about heartbreak and how “all girls are the same” next to a lesbian love ballad on the chart... and above said ballad because we clearly live in a society. I’m not going to mince words here: this is a pretty bad song, at least in my opinion. All respect to Juice but he’s clearly not on top form here, with an uninterested and badly-mixed vocal delivery over a really dull, jingly trap beat with awful bass mastering. In fact, the whole song is mixed awfully and sounds really muddy which may have been the point but it doesn’t complement Juice at all. The lyrics here are purposefully immature and at times stupid, especially when he compares himself to John Lennon and is so desperate for a rhyme the dude says this unnamed girl is from Colorado. I’m not going to deny some of the lyrics here are kind of haunting now due to tragic circumstances but I still get a chuckle out of the vocoder on his voice after massive empty spaces in both the beat and vocal track that makes the song sound clearly amateurish (to be fair to Juice, he clearly didn’t have access to the best studio equipment but it doesn’t excuse the major-label streaming release sounding this sloppy), as well as that opening line.

Broke my heart, oh, no, you didn’t!

Yeah, I’ll take “Robbery” over this any day, or even “Righteous”. Sorry.

#73 – “Martin & Gina” – Polo G

Produced by Hagan, Lilkdubb and Tahj Money

It seems we have two melancholy trap-rappers from Chicago appear consecutively on the chart. I love those types of oddities. If you don’t know Polo G, you probably should, at least from his hit “Pop Out” with Lil Tjay last year, and this is his most recent hit. I typically find his brand of mournful Auto-Tuned crooning about life on the streets remarkably genuine in comparison to most rappers but also admittedly really boring, at least for now. I can see this guy becoming a lot bigger and better but as of now he releases so much music and the quality and effort seems to fall by the wayside more often than not. In typical 2000s bling-rap fashion, this hardcore street rapper’s biggest hit from the album The GOAT (perhaps a bit early to call there, Mr. G) is a guitar-based R&B love jam for the ladies, except it’s not a sex jam...

Girl, I can’t wait ‘til I get home to f*** the s*** out of you

Okay, well, that’s one line.

Man, I’m tryin’ to get to know you sexually

Okay, but at least he’s trying to get to know her. The song’s lyrics do have a genuine heartfelt sense of love and companionship with his unnamed woman, and some of these lyrics are pretty funny and pleasant, albeit shallow. I love how in the first verse he says that even on her worst days she still looks “kind of cute”, in a way that makes this song more down to Earth than other thugs-need-love-too songs, especially when he acknowledges the troubles in their relationship, which may be undermined by the unfortunate implications that come with that “Martin & Gina” comparison but that’s really not the focus of the song, even if it is the title. He may talk about the shopping sprees now but there is evidence here that Polo G genuinely wants to live his life with this woman, especially when he says he wants them to move out to California and live in a mansion. There’s flexing there for sure but it’s less out of a desire to sound “cooler” than the other rappers or the audience, and more out of a desire to make the most out of this relationship in case, as he knows he might have to, he should “pull the stick out and shoot” to protect her. It helps that this is a damn good song with Polo’s catchy flow in both the verses and that infectious chorus, as well as a really slick guitar lick behind that trap knock. Yeah, this is pretty great. Check it out.

#71 – “Spicy” – Ty Dolla $ign featuring Post Malone

Produced by Ty Dolla $ign, Westen Weiss and damn james!

It seems that Ty Dolla $ign has finally clocked that people like him for his features and not his solo work as he has released his most recent album fittingly named Featuring Ty Dolla $ign, following a trend of recent massive collaborative albums in pop music. This particular album features the likes of Kid Cudi, Kanye West (twice), Anderson .Paak, Nicki Minaj, Big Sean, Future, Young Thug, FKA twigs because, well, sure, and obviously, Post Malone. I haven’t listened to the album yet, I mean it sounds exhausting but I don’t necessarily like what I’ve heard. “Expensive” with Nicki Minaj is soulless, “Ego Death” with Skrillex, Kanye and FKA twigs is chaotically misguided and a massive disappointment, “Track 6” with Kanye, .Paak and Thundercat is way too boring for these four artists, and that’s all I’ve heard, except that “Dr. Sebi” interlude with Young Thug that I thought was actually pretty damn good for a one minute snippet. I did brief through some songs on the album right now as I was writing this and I wasn’t really a fan of any of it, not even the songs with Future and Young Thug, artists I actually really like. The song with Kid Cudi was pretty amazing though, which I pretty much expected, I mean it is Cudi after all and he’s really felt revived this year, even if he feels out of place on a sex song. The serpentwithfeet interlude definitely adds to that song though, and it actually leads into this track with Post Malone. This is their second collaboration after their #1 hit “Psycho”, but it’s a lot less interesting, replacing the serenity and smooth flows with more fast-paced trap skitters, hit-and-miss flows that only make Ty$ sound all that great in the tail-end of his verse. Post’s verse is out of place and feels like a regression for him, with the verse sounding like it was taken straight out of the Stoney sessions. The guys have no chemistry and Post doesn’t even contribute to a final chorus, which feels particularly odd as there’s not a bridge to round any of this out properly as it just transitions awkwardly to the sixth track, titled “Track 6”. At least Ty$ isn’t facing 15 years in jail for cocaine possession now, which is something I brought up a disproportionate amount of times in older episodes of this show, because, well, sure.

#69 – “Whoopty” – CJ

Produced by Pxcoyo

CJ is an “up-and-coming” rapper with only one song that pretty quickly went viral. There’s something fishy about this. The only other song by CJ on Spotify and I assume other streaming services is this CashmoneyAP-produced trap song called “On Me” that is completely garbage. It does sound pretty odd that while he doesn’t sound dissimilar in “Whoopty”, this uninterested Auto-Tuned mumbler took three years to get another song on streaming and now he’s an energetic New York rapper using a beat that was literally uploaded to the producer’s website as a “Pop Smoke type beat” weeks before “Whoopty” was released, which, by the way, was an immediate viral hit on YouTube. Very strange, very unusual but not very worth talking about as the one thing “On Me” and “Whoopty” have in common is lack of quality. Sure, I like the Indian sample but it’s quickly drowned out by the booming 808s and pretty rote drill beat. Somehow, CJ sounds too energetic and excited to the point where he’s out of place on a beat this menacing. He sounds like a joke made by a record label to create some kind of popular generic drill track and it does not help that there’s a single verse, with part of it repeated as a bridge, and two repetitions of the same over-long chorus. When Pop Smoke rapped over beats, he was aggressive, sure, but had a smoky voice and a lot more charisma than this flat tonal sandpaper CJ brings to the table. It’s almost offensive to Pop Smoke’s legacy that this was rapped over his “type beat”.

#57 – “SO DONE” – The Kid LAROI

Produced by Omar Fedi and Khaled Rohaim

I figured I’d have to talk about this guy at some point, well, what better time than in the midst of a lot of mediocre American hip hop, although this isn’t American, rather it’s actually an Aussie at it this time, with this 17-year-old kid propped up by Internet Money and Lyrical Lemonade and mentored by the late Juice WRLD. This kid really likes capital letters, and naturally I listened to his last hit “GO!” with his mentor Juice... and, yeah, it’s not good. That hook is stupidly infectious – and the pre-chorus is actually more so – but his delivery is obnoxious and unconvincing, especially in comparison to Juice on the same song. Man, I wish that entire song was as good as its pre-chorus. Anyway, this is a new song, not taken from his debut mixtape aptly and rather politely titled F*** LOVE. It uses an unorthodox ukulele loop as its main sample but once again I’m not a fan of this guy’s immature delivery. Maybe in a few years this Kid LAROI will sound less like a Kid LAROI and more like a genuine rapper but right now he is just barely keeping on beat with a jangly pop beat that would sound really interested if accentuated by the right rapper but here it doesn’t work at all. I do actually appreciate some of the lyrics here, even if they are repetitive and vague. Hey, at least they’re family-friendly PG clean for the most part so he’ll get that radio push, but it’s not like it’s matters here in the UK. I’m sure this lad is the hottest thing to come from Australia this year... okay, well, maybe the second hottest – but I’m not a fan, even if some of these melodies are promising. In fact, I really like some of his ideas, especially in the chorus, I just think that tragically, Juice could have done them more justice than this Kid LAROI ever could. Sorry.

#47 – “Bad Guy” – Morrisson and Loski

Produced by BKay and Harry James

Duh. Okay, so these are both UK drill rappers who I’m not very familiar with although I’ve heard of Loski before. Morrisson is a complete unknown to me. They’re both from London, as one would expect. Is the song any good? Well, I do like that chopped violin sample but Morrisson is only vaguely convincing when he claims to know Vinnie Jones and to be Stone Cold Steve Austin, and when he mentions getting “white-boy wasted” with a woman sniffing coke, it leaves a bad taste in my mouth, but that’s actually the point. I mean, the chorus says this:

You need people like me so you can point your f***ing fingers and say, “That’s the bad guy”

The issue here is I’m not convinced. Morrisson’s double-tracked vocals aren’t intimidating or menacing and are mostly overshadowed by a pretty great beat. His delivery is also something I’m not a fan of and while I can’t say he’s uninterested or not putting his all into it, it just sounds weak, especially when pitted against this beat. Loski is here too, but he doesn’t add much to the “bad guy” idea, especially when he starts talking about The Simpsons and Family Guy. Not Mr. Burns or even that angry chicken that fights Peter, just Stewie, Brian, Bart and Homer. Admittedly, “shell out the whip like Mario Kart” is a pretty fun line and I appreciate his flow more than Morrisson’s... but, yeah, I’m not really a fan. I like the concept but it misses the mark on execution.

#44 – “Golden” – Harry Styles

Produced by Kid Harpoon and Tyler Johnson

So this is the opening track to Styles’ sophomore effort, Fine Line, an album I thought was mildly entertaining pop rock at best and lazy, absolutely worthless trite at worst. I don’t mind Styles’ take on classic 70’s pop and glam rock but I’ve also never found it interesting, and the songs are at times disjointed and at most times just plain boring. I understand I’m probably alone in this but I really disliked this album and I’m not excited that he’s pushing yet another single. The beeping keys that start the song are immediately met with the crash of a drum beat that sounds as flat as Harry’s singing in that obnoxious, sloppy intro refrain. The verse is equally as awkward, with the song lacking in any kind of substance other than that one line of “You’re so golden” which has been overly annotated by fans on Genius to mean a lot more than it does and should. It’s a confession of love but unlike “Sofia”, there’s very little to grab onto in terms of compassion for the singer and I quickly lose interest in what little story there is to the track. The bridge with the high-pitched guitar squealing and squeaky pitch-shifted murmuring is over and done with as slowly as possible and that refrain of nonsense vocalisations just continues without fear or even self-awareness of how annoying it is. This is probably ultimately harmless but it annoys the hell out of me and whilst I predict success for the track, I really hope against it as I absolutely do not like this at all.

#39 – “Teadrops” – Bring Me the Horizon

Produced by Jordan Fish and Oliver Sykes

Yes, that Bring Me that Horizon. Yes, the metalcore band. At least they used to be metalcore and definitely on that heavier side of Kerrang!-core, but what I’m more amazed by is how they continue to ditch the sound and continue to get bigger as they do so. After 14 years, you’d think these guys would stop getting Top 40 hits – hell, the only other hit they had before 2020 was “Drown” – but this is their third this year! I’ll admit I’m not really up to speed on Bring Me the Horizon – I listened to their last record (which was just fine but honestly probably worth listening to for “wonderful life” alone) but not this EP that the singles have been from, and definitely not their older stuff. For the sake of REVIEWING THE CHARTS, however, I did listen to their earlier singles – you can’t say I don’t do much for this show – and I’m overall not really sure on how to feel about this stuff. I still like “Drown” – and always have – but I’ve never been too big on metalcore so I’m actually surprised how much I really enjoyed the Linkin Park rip on “Sleepwalking” (which I’m impressed I remembered the chorus for). I remember liking the practically nightcore track “ouch” and, yeah, it still slaps. Some tracks are very heavy on the electronic, and “Can You Feel My Heart” is reliant on that vocaloid drop, about two years before that became the norm in pop. Just from a skim of their biggest singles, I’m honestly kind of a fan, especially “Throne”, even if I feel like the EDM influences just kind of go nowhere. Also, none of this screams “metalcore” to me but I don’t know, these guys seem to change their style a lot with the only thing staying consistent being Oliver Sykes, and his tone that shifts between nasal pop-punk-style crooning and chopped-up Auto-Tune growling. I talked to a friend about them and they like their earlier stuff mostly, although he “wouldn’t recommend” their debut album to anybody at all. Another friend said he refuses to listen to their music based on the pretentious title of their third record and honestly I think that’s a pretty fair decision. This song sounds like pretty standard BMTH, or at least from what I can gather from the singles and the formula they follow. It starts with a funky and cute, chirpy electronic groove before it’s drowned out by heavier drums and heavy metal guitar riffs, but this time said electronic groove is less integral to the instrumental and the shift to a funkier bassline in the verse might honestly be for the best, although I do love the way the instrumental is chopped up a bit at the end of each repetition of the chorus. It makes the song sound a lot more unique and even if it sounds just as 2012 as their 2012 stuff, I honestly think that’s fine, especially with that abrupt sharp contrast of his raspy yelling over breakbeats quickly followed by some crooning with light piano backing, which may make the song feel messy or structurally disjointed but honestly it works for the chaotic tone of the track and the angst that is presented in the lyrics. Also, although I haven’t evaluated this band since I watched a couple videos on Kerrang!, this feels oddly nostalgic. Huh. Some additional musings: That falsetto Sykes hits in the chorus is great. My friend said that he couldn’t finish the last album they put out which isn’t a good sign but to be fair to them it was an hour-long IDM record, because, well, sure. I’ve written way too much about Bring Me the bloody Horizon at this point so I’ll just move on but I’ll make sure to check out some of their stuff after this.

#37 – “Loading” – Central Cee

Produced by HARGO

Now back to normality, at least I think so. This is another UK drill artist I’ve never heard of. I like this beat, especially that sample of the horns that I’m surprised wasn’t found by crate-digging but it works pretty well under the drill beat; it sounds like a menacing “gangster” song, especially because of how that sample reminds me of 1930s Chicago. I’m not good on my American (or gang) history so that might be nonsense but you know what I mean, right? Black-and-white footage of men in suits gambling whilst women surround them and they all got their money from drug trafficking and they send out hits. Something like that, I don’t know. The song is kind of boring though, this Cee guy has zero charisma and the references to COVID make this immediately dated (not that this song is lyrically all that interesting anyway), and by two minutes the beat has run its course and just starts getting annoying. Yeah, not much to say about this one at all, but it could have been better.

#8 – “Sweet Melody” – Little Mix

Produced by Peoples, MNEK, Morten “Rissi” Ristorp, Oliver Frid and Tayla Parx

I wonder if now that I listened to Bring Me the Horizon for half an hour straight that the last four songs all sound worse, or at least less interesting, in comparison. Well, I doubt that really, I think these songs will just end up being less interesting. I mean, five separate producers on a simple three-minute pop track? This’ll be as market-tested and manufactured as possible, as one would expect from Little Mix. I didn’t mind their last couple promo singles but this song seems to have some actual traction and even a high-budget video behind it and hence it debuted as high as #8. Well, is it any good? Well, it’s no 2013 Bring Me the Horizon, that’s for sure. Jokes aside, the nonsense vocal refrain is kind of awkward and the R&B production here is kind of minimal and just... off, particularly in the first verse and refrain, where the singing and hard 808 is met with only accompaniment from one stray snare that is just... there? The drop doesn’t feel like it has a proper build-up either, and doesn’t even feel like it lives up to that non-existent tension. I do love the harmonies towards the end of the track and the “he would lie, he would cheat over syncopated beats” line is kind of a bar, I suppose, but yeah, this production is awkward and I’m not sure if it really does the girls’ talent justice. I would have preferred something more dramatic and with more of a climax than the skittering hi-hats and vaguely dancehall-inspired bass grooves, but alas, here we are with a pretty mediocre, uninteresting track, which wasn’t exactly unexpected.

#3 – “Really Love” – KSI featuring Craig David and Digital Farm Animals

Produced by Digital Farm Animals and Mojam

Ah, the trio we all didn’t know we wanted but definitely deserved(?): YouTuber KSI, legendary R&B singer Craig David and a couple virtual elephants. KSI is more than a YouTuber or prankster now to be fair to the guy, with songs like “Lighter” he has cemented himself as a genuine pop star and not in the way that songs used to get viral or even back in 2017 with Jake Paul. KSI is taking this stuff seriously and having fun with it, and, hey, he beat up Logan Paul once or twice so I guess I respect the man to some extent. I’m honestly surprised he got Craig David to be on the song with him. I mean KSI may be popular but I never put much thought into his music or even think it’s any good although the song has clearly debuted this high for a reason. Craig David has a janky hook that just plopped onto the track for a chorus and bridge, with pretty generic lyrics about love, which KSI develops on in some oddly specific ways. He’ll buy this woman Amazon Prime – I hope you enjoy the Borat sequel, guys – and she’ll “wreck his balls like Miley”. Classy. Honestly, the song is mostly fine – KSI’s flow is kind of awkward and stiff still but it’s a lot smoother than it usually is and he does deliver a pretty convincing performance here, as does Craig David, who sounds as great as he did 20 years ago over this groovy house instrumental, with a great bassline that really does fit Craig David more than it does KSI. The trap breakdown is pretty well done as well, which surprised me as I assumed the song would lose all momentum afterwards but, no, it keeps on chugging. This is listenable and far from bad but it’s mostly just a serviceable pop tune. I have no issue with this sticking around as it probably will. Now for the big one:

#1 – “positions” – Ariana Grande

Produced by TBHits, Mr. Frank and London on da Track

Man, I’ve just reviewed 12 songs, I do not feel like talking about the biggest and most important one now. Well, maybe it’s not that and instead the fact that I have this conflict with Grande’s music where someone so unbelievably and obviously talented sounds so incredibly disinterested in the songwriting and production, to the point where her performance is irrelevant. Sure, sweetener and thank u, next had their highs but the former is a complete mess and the latter feels so dull and oddly characterless. Again, these albums aren’t all bad but I feel like they’re still so rushed and infuriatingly so, with Grande having very little involvement, or at least it sounds like that in these albums. Regardless of how much she contributes to each record, it always comes out the other end sounding impersonal, so I’m actually glad she dropped the pretence and is now just doing purely sexy R&B stuff. I haven’t listened to the full album yet but with song titles like “34+35”, I can kind of expect what I’m going into here. That said, I’m not really a big fan of the title track and lead single here, although I can understand why it debuted at #1. Firstly, the video where she becomes the President of the United States for practically no reason is great. Secondly, the beat is pretty good and produced by London on da Track, who I’m kind of disappointed didn’t put his producer tag here. It would have at least been kind of funny hearing it transition into Grande’s sweet whispery vocal tone. I like the slick trap percussion, cricket sound effects and that chirpy guitar pluck, and especially those strings in the second pre-chorus which sound genuinely awesome. Ariana’s a great performer but the chorus is kind of weak, especially lyrically – I don’t mind the opening and main line about switching positions, hell, it’s kind of clever, but “I’m in the Olympics the way I’m jumping through hoops”? Really? The bridge is also pretty short and lazy; I feel like it could have actually been done away with or put as an intro and would have worked just as well replacing the second chorus with that final chorus, background whistle notes and all. That said, the song is a solid lead single and I am kind of excited to hear the rest of the album, even if this is at least somewhat of a retread.

Conclusion

What a mixed bag. I’m generally pleased with what we have here though and I am going to give Best of the Week to “Teadrops” by Bring Me the Horizon with an Honourable Mention to Polo G for “Martin & Gina”, although Clairo would have gotten close without Rostam on the boards. There’s nothing all that bad here except “Golden” by Harry Styles which does get an easy Worst of the Week, with a Dishonourable Mention to CJ’s “Whoopty” for just being lazy. Here’s this week’s “spooky” top 10 – it is Halloween after all:

You can follow me on Twitter @cactusinthebank for political ramblings if you so wish but I wouldn’t recommend it, especially if you like Keir Starmer, but all politics aside, thank you for reading this far and I’ll see you next week.

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btsybrkr · 4 years

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2020 Vision: What To Expect From The Next Decade (By Someone Who Has No Idea, Obviously.)

Happy New Year, all!! I had planned to do a little run-down last week of everything that happened in the 2010s, but instead succumbed to the existential struggle that comes with the week that follows Christmas Day, in which your time becomes largely swallowed up by asking yourself ‘what day is it?’ and ‘at what point am I supposed to stop living on a diet of alcohol and Quality Street?’. It’s festive purgatory, and you’re literally powerless to do anything other than sleep, eat, and moan that the shops are still playing Christmas music. That’s my excuse, anyway.

So, instead, I thought we’d say a collective “cinnabit, lad” to 2019 and a collective “what is UP, dude?” to the Roaring 20s 2.0, the only sequel that humanity has waited a whole 100 years for. Apart from Avatar 2, which I imagine will come out at some point in the 3020s. What do we know so far about what the 2020s have in store for us? Obviously, not a lot, but as someone who successfully predicted the outcome of the last election, and the UK’s last four Eurovision losses - two things which I’m sure absolutely nobody ever saw coming - I thought I’d give out my own valuable speculation. Here’s what the 2020s might look like, according to me.

Politics

Let’s get it out of the way - we’re in a terrible state. At this point, every important issue is so divisive, that the nation is divided over everything, including whether we’re actually divided or not. Do I think we’ll become any less divided in the coming years, in a United Kingdom where the conversation is so often dominated by things we can absolutely never seem to agree on? Yes. We will have no choice. Why?

All-out war.

Yes, I said it. In 2021, there will be all-out war. With America, probably. I don’t know why. Maybe Trump will get into an argument with Boris Johnson over who can manage to effortlessly look the most like a Viz caricature of themselves - they both already do somehow, I’m just saying they might disagree on which one of them is the best at it. Could be that, or possibly a more serious cause, to do with nuclear weapons or something, but I’d rather not think about that, because it’s not as funny as the Viz thing. And it’s more likely. So, we’ll pretend for now that we’re on the verge of the first pantomime, slapstick war the world has ever seen.

Anyway, while Trump and Johnson are beefing up a storm - picture Punch and Judy, except the puppets are in suits and have thinning, bright yellow hair - previously all-encompassing issues like Brexit will fall by the wayside, until Boris Johnson eventually decides to hand his notice in to focus on more important things, like beating Trump with a wooden spoon and chasing after the dog that stole all his sausages. After this, we’ll all come together to realise that if actual elected officials can’t do the job, then maybe we, the people, deserve our chance to test our political metal. Obviously, we can’t let just anybody have a go, but at the end of the year, Cosmopolitan magazine puts the traditional democratic process at number one on its ‘Leave It In 2021’ list, so we have absolutely no choice but to come up with something else, which brings me to...

Television And Film

2022 will start with a bang, with the debut of Simon Cowell’s new talent show format, So You Think You Can Be The Prime Minister?, hosted of course by Ant and Dec, with the aftershow on ITV2 being hosted by Jeremy Paxman. Contestants will line up in huge crowds to give judges Russell Brand, Susanna Reid, and, of course, Jesus S. Cowell himself (forgot to mention, Simon Cowell has been elected as the new Christ in this completely non-hypothetical universe, alright?) their opinions on hot political topics such as Brexit, the NHS, and, of course, whether a Jaffa Cake can really be classed as a biscuit or not. Each episode, contestants will take part in a live debate, themed around a different issue with every passing week. The two least popular contestants after the weekly phone vote will go head-to-head giving their own rendition of Running The World by Jarvis Cocker, with the worst performer being eliminated. I know a sing-off isn’t exactly relevant in a politics programme, but it’s Saturday night primetime so it’s still got to be at least somewhat entertaining, yeah?

Love Island will be back, of course - and not just with a Summer and Winter edition, but with an additional Spring and Autumn one for the 2024 schedule! This will be a win-win situation for the series producers, and for its viewers, as by 2027, ITV will run out of attractive under-35s to appear on the show, and members of the public will begin getting called up to appear - like with jury duty, except that ITV pay for you to have extensive cosmetic surgery first, so that you’re aesthetically pleasing enough for people to want to tune in, and so that you can maintain a successful career selling Bootea on Instagram afterwards.

Films will also go through a renaissance in the 2020s, as the Hollywood big boys come to a conclusion that everything has just become a little too… blockbuster. To remedy this, they make the joint decision that, 100 years on, we should take ourselves back to the silent film era, which will surely create hundreds of jobs for mute people, therefore solving Hollywood’s problems with a lack of diversity in film. It’ll also give well-known TikTok creators a chance to make the leap into mainstream entertainment, as they’ll have spent so long lip-synching over the years that they’ll now be more qualified to star in these new golden age pictures than actual trained actors. Obviously, that sounds absolutely beyond comprehension, but look at Count Orlok in 1922’s Nosferatu. See his slender limbs, blank stare, gothic dress sense - in a way, he’s the original e-boy, and there’s plenty of them out there on TikTok now that could play the titular vampire just as well in a 100th anniversary remake, just with less neck-biting and more lip-biting. Trust me, it’ll be a hit.

Technology

Throughout the 2010s, there’s been a lot of talk about everyone spending too much time on their bloody phones, so, in 2024, Apple will try to combat this issue when they unveil perhaps their most innovative product to date - the iPhone XZ+, a phone which exists solely in the mind of its users. Not in a Black Mirror, chip-inside-your-brain sort of way, either. It is literally imaginary. It’s a phone that, instead of being a phone, is actually just the concept of a phone. Yes, for the small cost of £1,500 and six units of your own soul, you, too, can block the rest of the world out. How amazing is that? No more wasting hours of your day keeping in touch with friends and family. No more accessing a wealth of information, wherever you are, with a quick Google. No more blocking out the sound of cackling pre-teens on the bus by putting in your earphones and listening to music. These things are bad and must be stopped, before we become an entire species of communicating, bopping, learning zombies.

I think those must be bad things anyway, since you can rarely go a few seconds scrolling through social media without stumbling across a ‘woke’ meme about how the use of smartphones is destroying us, one notification at a time - memes which I’m absolutely sure were created and posted from a book or a potato or something. Otherwise they’d just be hypocritical, wouldn’t they?

Anyway, the iPhone XZ+. It’s the only thing you need inside your head this decade. Apart from a very real ever-growing sense of fear and doom, which you can get for free.

Sport

The next decade will see the Olympics and Paralympics take place in 2020, 2024 and 2028, as well as the Winter equivalents to both in 2022 and 2026. You’d think we’d be all Olympic-ed out with that, but in the absence of anything else that gets people feeling remotely patriotic in a purely nice way, the world will decide to come together to throw scaled-down, low-budget Olympic games in all the off-years this decade.

Summer 2021 will see the start of the first ever Not-The-Actual-Olympics. Marked by a glamourous opening ceremony in a field in Loughborough, the opening will feature a series of performances from stars such as H from Steps, and will be attended by some people who aren’t the royal family, but really do look like them. Taking place over the 10-week long games will be thumb wars, arm wrestling, staring contests, and an exciting event in which competitors try to eat the most HobNobs they possibly can without the help of a glass of water to combat the extreme dry-mouth they end up with. It might sound underwhelming now, but if there turns out to be any truth in the other predictions I’ve made here, it might be just what you need to restore your faith in the everyday.

Happy New Year, Everyone

In all seriousness - not that the rest of this isn’t serious, because it is, and is definitely all going to happen - whatever the coming years bring, it’s important to remember that we have to take the good with the bad, to look after ourselves and each other, and to enjoy each day as much as we possibly can, even during the bits of life that leave us feeling a little less Gangnam Style than we did way back in 2012. Thanks, everyone, for reading my blog. I’ll be back again in a week or so to talk absolute arse about something else. Until then, I hope you all had a great 2019, and have an even better start to 2020. Cheers!

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angelblumes · 3 years

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food ment. Helllooooooo ugh would you like me to beat her up perhaps end up like her namesake, og mischa?(jk im not a (cannibal)) time to bust out the therapy voice tho , you will find your people and they will love you. Ok. ok wtf is happening? are we like the same person or something? wellbutrin buddies ❤ my room needs to be clean and moved the whole sha bang but I cant😔 life needs to be lived and such. I hope you arrived safely and happily and that everything is slightly better for you than it was last message and that you didn't get too carsick. my power went out today for like 3 seconds everything turned off everything , it usually takes alot for that to happen for my house just because its old and other reasons that I dont actually know. I've had a jam out session yesterday, it was so relaxing 😌 🙌 danced my little heart out to them guys I told you about. There's something abt the murders in hannibal that just does it for me... the artistry of it all. I love it when we talk outside of the 5 daily things too!!! hey, did you get that 'you're so mature for your age' as a kid or 'you've got an old soul' ? whats ur thoughts on that? I personally cant really imagine saying that to a kid maybe its a generational thing? ok 🙄😁 I like commentary ive been watching reactions? on youtube its a guilty pleasure, also I've been getting into some reality tv. Wife swap is crazy I love it alot and then the dating ones because ofc. whats one of the 1st reality show you remember watching and not hating? Honey Boo Boo and I Am Jaz (I think?) were my top two choices of reality. maybe a rewatch is in order for me. ok daily things um a guitar got brought into my house today i... its very.. it made me weirdly happy I love music and its instruments. thank goodness tbh my med were just a little later than usual, the pharmacy gave me emergency 3 days for they can figure out whats up because this is the second time we are having the same problem 😅 I had the best brownie of my life, it was store bought but like from the bakery fav dessert. I got this "new" shirt on so comfy, its tie dyed splattered different blues with an astronaut and nasa logo in white, its cute but also like 3? sizes too big (its a hand me down) dont worry abt the guy if a next time happens ill be ready for it 💪 it will go down, I personally know the man's family I will ruin his life if it comes down to it (we live in a town idk if it's small)or realistically just sic my family onto him. I found out my cousin has a gf now and is apparently very much happier than she was with her ex man (who made awesome cheesecake btw off topic tho) gay people stay winning, I did not know she was not straight tho so happy little surprise 😁 jeez its a lot of words uh I hope you're doing good and you had a good sleep and other nice stuff happen to you and you had a good trip🌷🤟🤙❤

HELPPP u are an angel. thank u❤️. and right exactly. normalize thinking fictional murders are artistic or something . thinkin abt how i used to think criminal minds murders were interesting but never had the right words so i'd just be like "woah he *kills them weirdly*? cool"😭. BUT YEAH i did get that all the time omfg "ur so mature for ur age!!" like thanks it's because i have issues and problems 💀....hmm i hate reality tv HAHA. this gc i'm in was just talking abt wife swap the other day how crazy !! idk if i've EVER liked reality tv .... i like watching commentary abt it (like uhh cody ko's stuff) but watching it myself... nope😭. daily things lets see!!! i went to the baltimore aquarium:) i was exhausted tho. saw that a tiktoker i like (hello fem will graham cosplayers...) went there a few days before me. how funny! i wish we had met and fallen in love or something. i went to bed at 5pm yesterday and slept til 3am. then went back to sleep from 6am to 10am. i think my new adhd/anxiety meds are the cause. sadly. cuz they work! but by making me too tired to be nervous or start thinking too much🥲. i'm tired 24/7 already and thats not helping LOL! i had this fancy meal ok multiple fancy meals and it was really nice. i got chesapeake chicken (haha like chesapeake ripper am i right?!?) and it had crab but i'm crazy i'm crazy i didn't eat the crab. the texture was soooo bad. anyway at another place i got a burger bc i'm lame i don't eat seafood (besides shrimp. which i am allergic to.) and i ate almost the whole thing and my friends mom said she was proud of me😭❤️. i always feel so guilty after eating a lot and that made me feel good. i've started watching more vampire video game play throughs. what can i say. vampire masquerade: bloodlines did something to my brain where i like vampire games now. it's the same guy which is cool. i dont like finding new youtubers becuz i've never kept up w whose problematic or not... like what if i get really into someone and mention it and someone's like oh yeah he preys on women. wtf. like umm cry? is he a youtuber? is he evil? cuz i was looking for a pathologic gameplay and he had one and i was like hmm... he sounds familiar. he has probably done something ? maybe? mm lastly.... i read this hunger games hannibal crossover WEEKS AGO but it's just still on my mind. i don't particularly love the hunger games but it's only bc i don't really know a lot abt it. i enjoy it but i've only seen the movies and read the first book (until rue died. never picked it up again after that! i cried a lottttt) and there's like an absurd amount of hannibal crossovers. i guess bc hannibal would totally rule in the hunger games. like come on a CANNIBAL? the uh.. capitol? they'd go crazyyyy for that. the fic itself wasn't even that groundbreaking or anything i have a lot of criticism for it tbh but it opened my brain to the concept. i have another one opened in a tab but it's super long so i haven't made much headway. i want one where it's like.... the one where the old winners come back for a game! and then they escape😈. but in the one i read will and hannibal sort of just escape anyway in a normal hunger game. like ok cool but i don't think that's plausible. but then how would it work ? like could will win a game on his own? maybe i should write my own fic. but then i'd have to understand what happens in the hunger games /j. ugh ok i was thinking abt that one scene where idk they do the little hand signal thing and drag katniss away and go to shut the door like right as they shoot that guy in the head. THAT WAS SO CRAZY. or when katniss shoots the lady instead of president snow and then everyone just descends on him💀 i feel like there's a level of nuance and understanding that i just don't have so i say "woah! cool :)" i hope ur doing well too ily❤️❤️💗

#a 'guilty' pleasure of mine is watching hunger games amvs LMFAO #asks #5 daily things #long post

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dontyougiveuponme · 3 years

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6/7/2021 - Update and post of Vampires

Hello tumblr, it has been a while. I have this website pinned but I never bother to write anything. It’s been a little over two years since I last wrote. Yet again, I feel stagnant, or even getting worse. I feel like I’ve changed. I like to think that I’m not the kind of person that changes. I always tell everyone that asks me how I’ve been that everything is the “same old shit”. I feel far away from the person I once was. I can understand that we all mature in different ways, but I don’t want to be a person that I, myself do not like. I’ve turned cynical, critical, judgmental, just an overall non-believer of anything good or positive. Much of the day I can’t say I have any positive thoughts apart from laughing at dumb memes, but I can’t say that counts for anything substantial. I haven’t accomplished much at all within these past two years, and it’s weighing heavy on my mind. I really do want to fix myself and my bad habits. I’ll be 29 this year, so by the time I hit the big three zero, I want to have my life and visions together. In order to take steps in this light, is the reason I decided to write again. I am constantly feeling tired both mentally and physically pretty much everyday of my life now, and I can say that it’s probably the worst it’s been. I don’t remember the last time I got some decent rest. My mind is polluted with so much bullshit I can only manage the upkeep of basic day to day living. My productivity and creativity are in the dump. This shit sucks, hopefully I can organize my thoughts and convince myself to change! Here we go..

Vampires, things that drain my energy:

Phone/social media - Social media is a piece of shit. It amazes me how I keep opening up IG on my phone to just scroll valuable moments of my life away. There’s many times I see things I really don’t like seeing and it actually makes me mad. I hate seeing political shit. Everything has an agenda now. Everyone is a hero now. Everything is money now. Rarely do I see things that I like on there (Isn’t that the whole reason to have the damn thing anyway?). There’s not much genuine things on social media anymore, it’s all just recycled trash. They literally show that shit in your feed even though you’re not subscribed/following them. Everything is an ad now. So much sales pitching, even for oneself as a brand. There’s nothing genuine about it in my eyes, and I really would like to live with less of it. It’s impossible to avoid completely in regular daily life now. I don’t need to be consuming half as much of all this bullshit on social media. Actually there’s also another side of social media that’s related to my next vampire.

Porn - Some social media posts are kinda like porn. You know the things (TikToks/Reels) you just keep watching over and over.. and over again? It might not necessarily make your peepee feel funny but there’s definitely some kind of strange chemical reactions going on in your brain when you watch that shit. It’s a vampire, like porn is. Porn, I feel like is actually huge in terms of draining energy. I mean of course in moderation, masturbation actually can’t be terrible for you, but what I want to talk about is the frequent kind (lol). I think doing it everyday is too much, especially as you get older. I can’t say I’ve ever came and felt a rush of energy, I usually just pass the fuck out (maybe I should look in to some Kama Sutra shit or something). I’m not an expert on health, but it can’t be good to put your body under the stress of manufacturing all that semen over and over, day after day, after day. I think naturally if there was too much semen, you’d just have a wet dream or something. I mean, it’s been a while since that’s happened to me though. Anyways, I think the body could use some rest from too many orgasms! Yeah I said it. It’s also really draining mentally as well. I feel worse mentally after watching porn than physically (DUH). Well to put it bluntly, porn is fucked up. I can’t quite put my finger on it (uhhhh nasty), but it’s just not right to enjoy watching people have sex and stuff. I’m just a viewer of porn. I’m indirectly supporting this machine that is destructive. I understand that there’s women (and men) that see great success in their lives from the porn industry, and I can’t knock that, although it may confuse me, maybe it is some people’s true passion to suck 100 guys dicks in one sitting. I DON’T KNOW. I just can’t help but feel bad when I see a girl that is clearly beautiful, could have been an actress or a model, and there she is taking it up the shitter. A part of me dies a little bit every time I get off, and think of deeper things like that. I don’t think that if any of those women had a chance to do something else and be successful, they wouldn’t ever choose to do porn. It’s just not fair to them, and now that I think about it, it’s crazy that their success depends on the base of fucked up viewers that they have. Not a pretty thought on all levels, also considering the women that did it and did not succeed. Overall, porn makes me feel like shit, and I need to stop fucking watching it.

Drugs - I can’t deny how nice the idea of having a few drinks or an having occasional cigarette. They’re great socially. By yourself though (which I tend to do often), it is a sad thing. I think it is a sad thing even with other people, when there’s not much reason to be consuming drugs. I understand that they can be a “social lubricant”, but really when you are consuming so much of it you can’t really call it a lubricant. It’s more like a flood, or like a wave that everyone is just riding, instead of people interacting normally. Drinking in excess for me has been common, too common I’d say. I would drink (a lot) with friends maybe every weekend. Recently, I’ve snapped and yelled at some of my friends in some kind of drunken rage (which is actually not even the first time) . This kind of behavior makes me very uncomfortable. I want to be happy and laugh with my friends, not be angry. Drinking is terrible for sleeping as well. You wake up feeling like complete trash, and your whole day has already passed. It steals a lot of life away. Moving on, cigarettes were an everyday thing for me. It was never so bad as to a pack a day, but I’d say I would do a pack or maybe two in a week, so a few a day. Cigarettes are nice in a social setting in a different way from alcohol, it sort of makes you more alert. In regular day to day life though, they are like taking a breath of fresh air. I know how ironic it sounds (lol), but the most common application is to have a cigarette after work. It stimulates you and somehow relaxes you at the same time. In that way cigarettes for me are such a chill drug, like you can’t get “drunk” on them if that makes sense. To be sitting listening to music and enjoy a cigarette is a subtle, but nice feeling. Apart from all that, they do make you feel like shit in a strange very obvious addiction kind of way. You always want one. The triggers are wide. They make you short on breath in physical activity. It does actually have some reactions in your brain to produce feel-good chemicals, so it does steal away some “happiness”. It is also very bad for health long-term, as is drinking too. I need to sober up and look at these drugs from a more mature perspective. I would love to be able to control my usage of them, because I can’t help it; I love beer, I love whiskey, and a cigarette tastes amazing sometimes.

General laziness/boredom - The biggest sign, sleeping way too much. There has to be more to life (lol). I can’t control my naps, they end up taking hours. This happens even after I get enough sleep. There’s so much to do, so much fun, so much building to be done, and what do I do? I’M FUCKING BORED. I’m so spoiled, or a better word I like to use, rotten. In general, I would safely say that boredom is the cause, and the other things listed above (phone, masturbation, drugs), are the effect. If I can learn how to properly control my boredom, I could effectively control all those vices. I think this should be a post on it’s own so I’ll try to attack this and write about it later.

Anyways, It’s sorta sad in a weird way that I haven’t been able to update in a while. So many things have happened. My cat (Nibbler) almost had to get put down and got surgery for free (He is doing great). The old place in Norcross I was renting got burned out, I lived with my brother for two months, and found a new place. I have a girlfriend now (albeit on and off). I’ve been working with my friend for almost two years now, no longer typing away at an office job. My sister Alisha moved to Japan, and very recently my youngest sister Anna finally turned 21. Time passes by and so many big things happen, it’s sad to not write about it. I know I was keeping a physical planner/diary, but I feel like on here I can write more freely and deeper (I don’t know why). Anyways, I hope not too much time passes before I write again. Until next time. ^-^

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