#I’m not close with many of my headmates but the ones I am | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

crabussy · 2 years

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god I wish I could hug them in real life. I’m aching and shaking so hard and they’re Right THERE but I can’t even hold them close

#this is about headmates #bee and sunny and moon and francis and alastair #robin shut up challenge #usually I can ‘feel’ hugs in headspace but when i’m really having a bad time my ability to visualise things goes bad #and hugging feels like Nothinf #it’s really upsetting #I’m not close with many of my headmates but the ones I am #*close with I can even hug #hgh h #vent tw #sorry please unfollow me if you want /g #your dashboard and I don’t want to clutter it /g

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thalassic-p4rk · 7 months

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okay okay so some explanation:

kwazii: self explanatory really. it’s kwazii.

shellington: totally hc him as aroace and so oblivious and i love him sm for it

paani: might accidentally flirt or attempt occasionally, but most of the time is so completely oblivious. he’s got sm autistic rizz.

inkling: okay don’t come for me he has a really really nice voice okay?? i’m working through it still 😭😭

peso: okay unpopular opinion probably bc of this one wild 120k fic i read in one go but i totally think peso isn’t as naive and innocent as everyone thinks he is and he totally uses that to his advantage. like, not even with flirting, but in general like with cursing and stuff. but i feel like he’s not as oblivious as he pretends to be, and when he chooses to flirt holy shit this guy can flirt. 10/10 best twink 4ever <3

barnacles: i have. many thoughts about barnacles. but, all i will say is that he is so completely oblivious to how hot everyone thinks he is and he has sm unintentional rizz. he will accidentally flirt with like random people he helps or comes across and he has no idea why they keep swooning and calls peso over cuz he’s concerned and peso just is like *sigh*. also, i know fictives aren’t their sources but our barnacles is pretty damn close and when he first split me and peso spent weeks simping over him before another headmate forced us to sit down and explain this to him (which was one of the most embarrassing experiences of my life btw, fuck u eddie /lh)

dashi: i am a hardcore tweak/dashi shipper all the way, and while i think dashi is a very professional person (dog?), i think she’s also really good with people and knows how to use her skills to get what she wants. i think she totally worked in like customer service or something pre-octonauts and that she would charm her clients and customers almost instinctively. however, flirting for her, while common, is something she doesn’t really view as flirting flirting? like, it’s just something she does to steer the conversation in a more favorable direction. she very rarely actually means it, or genuinely tries to flirt, so that’s why she’s not where kwazii is. she was struggling with tweak though lol.

tweak: i think tweak is similar to dashi, she’s not naive and she certainly is good at flirting and probably did a lot of flirting and uh sleeping around in the past (who doesn’t love a butch lesbian mechanic), but i also think that she just. doesn’t really care. fhjffjjgdg like she likes having fun and stuff but generally outside of her video games and her inventions she does not give a shit about much lmao. not in like, a bad way or anything. she just never really saw the point of a social life yk? and the octonauts are an exception, that’s family it’s different. but she’s always had more important shit to do than playing social games.

anyways thank you for coming to my ted talk i am very eepy.

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hemospectrum-headmates · 1 month

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How To Request & Mod Intros

CW the intros will have typing quirks a translation will be bellow

This account is a hiveswap themed alter pack/build a headmate style blog. Your requests don’t have to be hiveswap inspired it’s just ran by hiveswap fictives. This account has no dni but we block. This is a no discourse zone and a radqueer, transID, and endo friendly zone! We support everyone here <3

Request Form-

feel free to change or just give a blurb on what you want ie “a cute and sweet protector with a kidcore aesthetic and transharmed” or “a hiveswap fictive who is transage and transharmful” anything you wish! you can also do full creators choice!

Name:

Age:

Gender:

Pronouns:

Sexuality:

Ethnicity:

Source:

Roles:

cisIDs:

transIDs:

Paraphiles:

Other Labels:

Appearance:

Aesthetic:

Inspirations:

feel free to include anything else

we will make a picrew or include pictures they can use as a faceclaim! for sources we can do anything! we will look into any source you want to get as close to accurate as possible!

Any more questions please ask!

Mod Intros

Mod Dammek

he/him, 6-10 sweeps

hello, i am tthe one who putt tthis accountt ttogetther. I am a cis male and gay. I am a ttransHarmful, ttransblood, and ttransSutter are my big 3 ones. i am in a conabuse moirallegience witth xefros. ask me anytthing else you wish tto know

(hello, i am the one who put this account together. I am a cis male and gay. I am a transHarmful, transblood, and transSutter are my big 3 ones. i am in a conabuse moirallegience with xefros. ask me anything else you wish to know)

Mod Xefros

it/he/they, 6-10 sweeps

hello i’m mod Xefros, i’m a aro-spec bisexual demiboy. i’m transharmed, transblind, and transbipolar. i’m very happily in a conabuse ♦️ relationship with dammek and a ‘qpr’ with joey <3. i have some paraphiles but keep them to myself

Mod Joey

she/her, 13-19

hello! i’m mod joey! i’m a queer transfem who loves everyone as long as it’s queer! i’m transautistic, cisadhd, transtroll, transblood, and permateen! i’m an AAM and in a qpr with xefros <3

Mod Trizza

she/they, 7 sweeps

hello! saving the best for last! i’m mod trizza! i’m questioning my gender and bisexual! i’m also questioning my transIDs but i knoψ i’m transharmful. I do have many paraphiles please ask if curious! anyψays thank you for reading loves <3

(hello! saving the best for last! i’m mod trizza! i’m questioning my gender and bisexual! i’m also questioning my transIDs but i know i’m transharmful. I do have many paraphiles please ask if curious! anyways thank you for reading loves <3)

If you have anymore questions or concerns please feel free to dm us or leave an ask! thank you <3

#build a headmate #pro radq #alter packs #radqueer #rq 🍓🌈#radqueer 🍓🌈#pro 🍓🌈#build an alter #transplural

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siffrin-enthusiast · 2 months

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angry system and radqueer/“transdisabled” vent here, interactions okay except for radqueers. make your own post and keep it far away from real disabled people. tws for mentions of death, trauma, and hospitals.

this is not syscourse. this is my experience as a traumagenic system. this is not a commentary on anyone else except for radqueers.

i truly despise how sometimes DID is seen as a “quirky” or “fun” disorder where you get your favorite characters as imaginary friends. do you know why i split one of my silly fictional characters? for reasons i won’t disclose because i know basic internet safety, i almost died as a child. i came very, very close to dying. i was in the hospital for months and all i had to keep me from thinking that god, i nearly died was a fictional character. as much as i post about loving my system (which i really do! they saved me!) it is undoubtedly the worst thing that has ever happened to us. i would never wish this upon anyone. if i could be a singlet, if i could be whole, i would. everyone in this brain would make the same decision.

i make light of it because for the i’m going to be stuck here with living, breathing reminders of my worst traumas and if i don’t joke about it, i’m going to lose it. i only remember my early life through flashbacks. most days are a blur, weeks and months slipping by in a few blinks. i’m barely remembering to go to my college classes, and when i manage to get there (on time, too!), i don’t remember the lectures anyway. i might have to drop out until my therapist and i can figure out something to stop my body from thinking i’m going to be hurt again every time i walk into a classroom. i’m about to lose it.

i’m too tired for “syscourse”. i really am. but while we’re here, radqueer “build a headmate!!” things? you’re fucking sick. do you know that? you’re sick in the head. log off and go to a real mental health professional. “transDID” is sick. it wasn’t enough to fake it? you had to make a mockery of us, too? are you happy, loudly proclaiming that you’re roleplaying having a horrible mental illness? aren’t you ashamed? (i know they’re not. that would require them to care about anyone besides themselves.) there’s a reason none of the “transdisabled” people go to therapy, and it’s because they know they’d be rightfully diagnosed with factitious disorder. i sincerely hope you all find therapists who can provide you with what you actually need, because i promise it’s not roleplaying mental disorders on tumblr. in the meantime, i’m blocking and moving on. i’ve cried enough tears over my disorder and i know i’ll cry more of them. i’m not letting you add to my suffering.

DID/OSDD isn’t a joke or a game. it’s the result of repeated, continuous childhood trauma that the brain has no choice but to break itself in pieces to hide the trauma from itself. it ruined my life. it still ruins my life. it’s taken years in therapy to get to the point of knowing why i’m so dysfunctional, and it’ll take many years more to start becoming more functional. i make light of it here because this is my escape, for a moment, where i can be a normal, happy person instead of a traumatized shell of an adult who is really still the scared kid that wasn’t supposed to make it this long. i don’t have “friends” in my head. i have fragments of my psyche clinging to whatever takes me away from the flashbacks. do you understand?

#radqueers dni #i will not respond. i will just block and move on #not syscourse #sharing MY experience as a system this isn’t about anyone else #actually plural #actually did #tw vent #vent post #kuiper system posting

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multiplicity-positivity · 1 month

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Hi! I was looking for advice and you seem pretty knowledgeable about plurality so I’d thought I’d ask you.

I’ve started to wonder if maybe I’m plural, but don’t know if my experiences are similar to something someone is neurotypical might experience. I think of myself as only having one headmate, but when it comes to interacting with people I express one of two manifestations of said headmate.

I figure it’s relatively common in people who aren’t plural to show different parts of themselves to differently people, but these two manifestations are so dramatically different to the point of being polar opposites that I’ve started to wonder.

(Some clarifying notes: While I don’t have names for these separate manifestations as they are both parts of the same individual in my head, I will refer to them as 🌟 and 🪐 respectively. I will refer to me presenting either 🌟 or 🪐 as fronting, and the version that exists in my head as the headspace version. I’m using this language just to be clear with what I mean, not to appropriate language used by systems/say I am one)

It hasn’t always been like this. When I was little, I was just 🌟. I was extremely extroverted, energetic, argumentative, and struggled with emotional regulation. I display these traits whenever I am fronting 🌟. 🪐 has always been around in my headspace as well, and sometimes 🪐 would front, but this didn’t happen in any meaningful capacity until I was around 9. My behavior shifted drastically, because 🪐 is very quiet, observant, and logical. My mother has told me multiple times that she felt like I got jaded in the 4th grade. Now, unless I’ve gotten to know someone well or am incredibly comfortable in the environment I’m in, I front 🪐. Around my very close friends 🌟 will front, and 🌟 will also front when I get very giddy or excited. Sometimes when 🌟 fronts I catch myself regretting it, scared I annoyed people or if people hate me, because I can’t control which manifestation of myself people talk to.

But the thing is, I don’t have any trauma that I know of, and they exist together as one identity in my headspace. My worldview, beliefs, and memories remain the same across the board. I think of myself as one person, even if someone’s experiences with me can vary drastically (this ask would be very different if you were talking to 🌟)

I figured since you interact with a fair amount of systems and are one yourself, you could maybe point me in the right direction.

Thanks for your time!

Hi! We won’t be able to confirm or deny whether or not you’re plural, sorry about that! It’s true that even singlets are multifaceted, with different sides of themselves that they show to different people at different times. And many singlets may find that they feel more extroverted and bubbly with people they’re comfortable with, and more introverted and reserved with people they don’t know that well. To us, this is pretty normal, and even some of our parts experience socialization in this way!

What we truly believe, is that if the plural framework is beneficial for you, if you are helped or comforted by the idea of being a system, then you are more than welcome to identify as such! Not all systems form from trauma - while trauma is necessary in order for someone to develop a dissociative disorder like DID, there are plenty of other ways to exist as multiple or more than one!

We have a post we wrote in the past with a ton of resources for questioning systems. We’d like to share it with you in case one of the resources there could be useful!

For anyone questioning whether or not they’re plural, the process can be difficult, confusing, and may take a long time (we know it certainly did for us!). It’s okay to go slowly and not rush to any conclusions about yourself! That being said, it’s definitely okay to try out some labels while you’re questioning to see if anything feels right or sticks out to you. There’s no harm in trying out plural labels while you’re questioning - you’re not invading any spaces or appropriating plural language by experimenting with the terms you use to describe yourself!

Finally, we’d like to recommend learning more about median systems specifically. Plurality is a spectrum, and not every system will have fully developed, unique, and separate individual headmates! We understand median systems as those who exist in between a singlet and fully separated multiple on the plural spectrum. It may be worth learning more about if you’re wondering whether or not you’re “plural enough” to call yourself a system! (Note that we’re not saying for sure that you are a median system! Rather, we’re just suggesting it as a potential research option or direction for you.)

We hope this helps! Good luck to you with navigating the waters of questioning plurality. And feel free to reach out if you have any further questions on your journey! Know that even if it turns out that you’re not plural after all, that’s okay! Hopefully the questioning process will still be insightful for you. And plural or not, you’ll always be welcome here on this blog!

#questioning system #trauma #median system #syscovery #long post

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fictionkinfessions · 1 year

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You know, I think one of the biggest problems for being kin is finding kincords that you can join without problem. There’s quite many factors that make me unable to join them. A big one for me is age.

At the time of writing this, I’m seventeen. That one age/year between teen-ness and adulthood. It’s really hard for me to join kincords that apply to my Kins without either being too young by a year, or a lot of the members being under 16 and feeling awkward about (usually) being the eldest. I’m glad that they have their communities, I do, and I highly respect the fact that they have a specific age for people to join. There were also kincords I was allowed in twice because , in their words, “I’d be 18 soon, I’m allowed to join.”. I was then treated like I didn’t know things about.. well, anything. I was treated like a child (okay, I kind of am, as I’m not a legal adult.) and that was just not okay. I left those servers months ago, but it still sits with me.

And then there’s kincords out there that aren’t the most friendly when it comes to systems/collectives, which adds on to the fact that I can’t join some kincords due to that. I long for a few safe spaces that I can be in without worrying about being awkward or treated as an equal, or about my system/headmates being harassed.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m extremely grateful for the servers I’m in with my closest, best friends — and we share a few Kins in common. I even found a few canonmates there!! And there’s a bunch of systems there that are close with us and are a positive energy/support for one another? It’s amazing!! Genuinely!! But I also wish to be in kincords that are around other Kins I have. I want to be involved in more communities, and make more friends potentially.

Sorry. This was just a bit of rambling and venting, I’m just thinking a lot over here!

— Tsukasa Tenma [#🎭🌟] (Could you please tag this as projectsekaikin or pjsekaikin, mpc?]

]]

#fictionkinfessions #fictionkin #🎭🌟#projectsekaikin #pjsekaikin #tsukasatenmakin #kincords issue #age issue #byf issue #ableism cw #mod party cat

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void-galaxy-shenanigans · 1 year

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I Need Me (a poem)

Written By (headmates): Nico, Caspian

Written 6 June 2023 (6/6) at 6:30p

~

Access to me is a privilege.

I don’t owe you communication, updates, conversation

I don’t owe you contact

I don’t owe you control.

//

Unconditional love,

if I even choose to offer you that,

does not mean unconditional tolerance or acceptance

nor unlimited access and unlimited servitude.

//

This means if I do not feel loved by you,

No matter how loudly you scream that you love me,

I am allowed to deny you access

I am allowed to limit and restrict your access

I am allowed to set boundaries

that include revoking your privilege of contact

if you behave in ways that make me feel disrespected, unseen,

unloved.

//

This means that I control access to me,

to my time, my space, my love,

and yes, even my kindness and compassion.

You do not get to have me for free,

cut into bite sized pieces for you.

I will not be selling my soul

especially not at a discounted price

way less than what I’m worth.

//

This means that I can and will set rules

which doesn’t mean I can force you to follow them

but does mean if you refuse to follow them

I can and will leave—

I can revoke access temporarily,

or permanently—

or respond in some other manner that respects my emotions, needs, and desires.

I am allowed to leave whenever I want

I am allowed to change the key

on my locked doors.

This does not mean I will be cold to strangers,

but it does mean that my walls are impassable without a key

and I have to give you the key.

So if you desire a relationship, closeness with me,

family or friend or lover,

I have to consent to the same

and for me to do so means you must meet the terms and conditions first.

//

I need me more than you do.

I need my love more than you do.

I am the only one who will be in my head at all hours of day, night, and otherwise.

storms, sunshine, progress, stillness;

I am the only one I will always have with me,

and that means I need to treat him well,

because he always needs me

and I can’t pour from my cup until it has more than drops to give.

//

This also means I get to prioritize who gets my energy first.

First come first served is out the window

Now it is

most respectful, safest, most consistent,

one who reciprocates, one who makes me feel the most loved,

if I have energy to share,

She gets me first,

and if that leaves my cup with drops,

I need me more than you do,

and she deserves me first.

//

I may offer you laps from my cup when it overflows again

but right now I have drops at the bottom, barely enough to drink,

not enough to soothe my parched throat

love-starved, affection-starved, touch-starved—

so I need me.

//

I need me more than you do.

I need my love more than you do.

and once I recover,

She needs my love more than you do,

because she loves me back the way I need her to,

because she chose me the way many of you wouldn’t,

because she deserves me,

because I love her too.

//

You do not come first just because you were assigned family at birth.

That assignment can be removed

now that I have a voice of my own.

I can choose my own family,

and while family doesn’t end in blood,

that also means not all blood is family.

//

You are mine by DNA,

but I am mine by choice,

and I am hers by choice,

and I am their son by choice,

and I am his brother by choice,

I am their sibling by choice,

and you, mother and father,

grandfather and uncle,

brother and cousin,

until I choose you

and until you make me want to choose you,

you are not mine by choice.

//

So earn me.

I am a gift to those who want me,

I am the whole package to those who choose me,

I am a galaxy of adoration and love and kindness and compassion,

and I won’t make myself small for your comfort any longer.

//

Earn me.

Do the work I ask of you,

or expect to lose me.

////

((Note: the “she” that deserves me is my girlfriend, & the brother/sibling/son chosen set is my adoptive family (they adopted me, I adopted them back, & they may legally adopt us in the future). this is about our biological family mistreating us. this doesn't mention or include friends because that wasn't what I was frustrated/angry about.))

~Nico

#poem #poetry #trauma #healing #healing from trauma #anger #healthy anger #rightful anger #emotions #chosen family

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killerrqueztt · 2 years

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Aphantasia

by Bennett.

I have never understood the concept of counting sheep. You close your eyes, imagine sheep, and count them, right? But when I close my mind and think of the sheep in my mind, it never works. I know the sheep are there, I know it’s on the 11th or 12th one, the sheep are probably fluffy and cute, but if I can’t see the sheep, how will counting them help?

I’ve never understood how people can imagine things when in distress, then calm down. How would that help? You won’t actually be seeing it, you’ll just be telling yourself about it, and then that's supposed to calm you down? I’ve never understood it.

I always thought when people talk about visualization, they meant it in a metaphorical sense, because there’s no way you could actually visually see that, right? I always thought what I experienced was normal, that everyone thought in words and when they imagined things, it was like writing a book. I never knew that people actually saw what they imagined and thought about. Even now, people tell me: “Well, it’s not like seeing it you see, because you don’t actually see it. It’s hard to explain.”

And then I feel sad, because I’ll never know what it feels like, to be able to see when I close my eyes. I can’t dream either. When I say I can’t dream, people say “Well, you probably don’t remember it!”. But they’re wrong, because I quite literally cannot dream. At least not in the visual sense. Sometimes I wake up with emotions and knowing that something happened, but those aren’t dreams. That’s something entirely different.

I have aphantasia. I don’t enjoy it.

I often feel excluded from spaces I am in because of it. I’m a shifter, but most methods and ‘tips and tricks’ and some of the main fundamentals require me to visualize. It makes doing the practice much harder and much more draining. I’m in a plural system, we don’t have a headspace because of aphantasia. My headmates don’t care, but I do. I feel alienated from plural spaces because so many systems have headspaces, but we don’t and probably never will. I feel excluded from artist spaces because I can't just imagine something and jot it down on paper. I have to build from the ground up. I have to experiment and go the extra mile to get good art, because I can’t just visualize what an angle or a person looks like.

Having aphantasia will never have as much impact on my life as my autism, or plurality, kinity, or my blackness ever will, but I can’t help wishing I didn’t have it. I can’t help but cry over the fact I’ll never be able to experience what others experience.

I even feel excluded in spaces for aphantasia. Many people with aphantasia can get vague shapes and colours, but I don’t experience anything. I am at the lowest end of the spectrum. I can’t do anything about it, unlike people who can still see a semblance of something.

All I can do is close my eyes, and try to find shapes in the darkness.

#something bennett wrote spontaneously -🐳#aphantasia #technically an essay #long post #plural system #otherkin #art #writing

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systematic-advice · 2 years

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You you can ignore this if you want, but if you have advice that’d be great

So last year in October we came out as a system to a friend we considered pretty close at the time. We had to do a LOT of explaining just so that they’d get what an alter is. We never even got to tell them about dissociating and all the other good stuff(/s) that comes with being a system.

We didn’t have lots of time to explain because we only saw them at school during breaks and when we were done explaining alters the break was over. The next time we saw them two (2) hours later they immediately were like “yeah I’m a system too. I have alters too that are like demons in my room“ which kind of upset the later fronting at the time, but we figured this would get sorted out. It didn’t. They kept saying stuff like the comment about their alters being demons on their room ceiling or that they’ve “made another headmate“ which sounded uncomfortably like endo stuff.

Cut to a few months later in January, they invited us to their birthday party. We ended up being the only one there, due to the others not being able to come. Two hours in, I was pushed out of front due to another alter being pos triggered. (Most of what comes now is what they told me. I know they could’ve lied but I trust them very much so I’m giving them the benefit of the doubt) said alter was confused as to where we were because there hadn’t been any communication about it. They asked questions about our whereabouts but shortly after the friend started asking the same questions. But they denied having switched. They just mirrored what we were doing which made us uncomfortable.

After this they continued with their typical behaviour until I said that I didn’t know how to deals other it anymore and asked them for some space.

I don’t know what to do or if what I did was even the right decision. I don’t wanna fake claim them but they’ve acted so,, uncomfortably close to the typical behaviours people associate with faking a system? I don’t know what to do, I really need some advice -🌙⛈

Oh my! That sounds difficult Anon.

I believe you did the right thing. Regardless of whether they are a System or not, if you are uncomfortable it is best to get some distance. Obviously I am not privy to the full context of the situation, but I have to say that would have made me deeply uncomfortable as well. I have seen that sort of thing happen and it's VERY common in younger people and teens to try to fit in with those around them or to want to feel special. I am not fake claiming them here, but I can completely understand why there would be concern.

Over all it sounds like they were making things awkward. If distance is what you need then don't feel guilty for taking it. If they are worth having around your friendship will endure whatever this bump is. And if not that's okay. Outgrowing friends happens sometimes. It's sad, but there are so many other people. You'll make new and maybe better friends. I think maintaining your space until you are comfortable is the right decision.

You van also bring it up with them, of you feel up to that. You can tell them why you found that uncomfortable and ask them if they would be able to explain their experience as a System? If they are copying you, it's likely they won't be able to express any understanding of out experience. It could get them to drop it if they are not a System.

I wish you the best in sorting this out Anon. Feel free to add context of we can be more help!

#🦇 :: on leather wings #an agony uncle speaks #they asked #did #osdd #did system #osdd system #actually did #actually plural #anti endo #actually osdd #actually traumagenic #actually system #system #systems #dissociative identity disorder #otherwise specified dissociative disorder

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hoarder-of-stories-27 · 2 years

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To the rude anon wishing me an unhappy 2022 - I may be starting off this year with a few unfortunate and unpleasant days due to a pharmacy mishap, but I expect this year to be the best one I’ve ever experienced.

I’m independent. I have my own apartment. I’m not under my parents’ control anymore, not at all. And I like my current apartment way better than my first apartment! This one is cozy, it has a nice view, it has air conditioning, and best of all it’s much cheaper than that first one. :’D I haven’t had to struggle nearly as much to make rent.

I’m transitioning out of sex work. I hope to be completely out of it sometime this year. I have wonderful people supporting my writing, and I’m in a program that’s helping me start to sell my knitting as well. Most of my current income already comes from writing commissions, which is super cool. I’m going to get to earn a living by doing something I enjoy. I don’t regret getting into sex work - it was that or stay with my parents - but it certainly isn’t fun for me, and I will be glad to be done with it.

I’m on testosterone, and I’m very, very close to my one-year anniversary for it. I’m currently eleven days late for one of my shots due to an error at the pharmacy, which is why I’m feeling so icky at the moment, but the supplies I need should be on the way, and then I’ll stop feeling the way I did before I started. I can’t wait to see the changes I experience this year! I’m already so much more comfortable in my own body than I’ve been since I started the wrong puberty.

I have a top surgery consultation appointment this July. My chest is the single worst thing contributing to my mental health issues - as in, I can deal with the chronic fatigue syndrome and the capitalist system punishing me for it, but not this - and it’s going to be gone, finally. I’m not looking forward to the process, but the result will be so worth it.

I’m going to get a wheelchair or start the process of getting one, this year, no matter what. I might have to ask my grandparents to help me, or I might have to crowdfund and/or add to my credit card debt, but that is a decision I’ve made. An electric wheelchair would vastly improve my quality of life, so I am going to get one.

I’m on meds that actually help me. I’m capable of being happy, now. And I can write. The meds didn’t make that much of a difference, but with the testosterone, it was just enough.

In general, my mental health is so much better than it used to be. I’ve been realizing, these past few days, how unusual it is for me to have self-harm or suicidal urges. It feels strange, to go back to that mindset. Even now, I don’t actually want to do anything - I can tell it’s just a feeling. I have some issues, still, of course, but I’ve made massive amounts of progress. I’m looking forward to seeing the progress I make this year.

I have supportive friends. When I need comfort, they’re there. When I need to vent about something, they listen and offer reassurance. I’m grateful for every single one of them, and I hope that I can return their care and kindness in a way that means just as much to them as their friendship does to me.

And finally, I’m dating someone incredible. A close friend, a skilled writer, a person whose morals I admire deeply. I’ve had bad experiences with dating in the past, but I truly think this will go well.

My first relationship ended because we were all very traumatized people in bad situations who kept inevitably stepping on each other’s triggers, and I wasn’t able to keep my system’s persecutor and protector from lashing out. My system, and especially that headmate, have healed a lot since then.

My second and third/fourth relationships (the third/fourth one was poly) ended because the people I/my system dated were anti-lite, and we’ve got too many morals, intrusive thoughts, paraphilias, potential paraphilias, and paraphiliac friends for that to go well. Apparently we didn’t learn our lesson well enough that first time. This time, though - our partner is good. We’ve talked about things. I trust them with the things in my brain that I’m too scared to look at. I trust them not to condemn me for things that stay imaginary.

They’re amazing, just in general. This last year would not have been the same without them. I appreciate their support more than I can express. I’m really looking forward to this next year, and a large portion of that is because of them.

To that anon - thank you for reminding me of all the good things in my life. 🥺❤️ I really needed that. I hope your 2022 treats you well - better than you treat others. I hope you heal, too, and learn to spend your time and energy on things that give you true happiness and fulfillment without harming your fellow humans.

#anon hate was actually /just/ what i needed #i feel so much better now #which feels kind of fucked up #gosh these have been a weird few days. can't wait for my stuff to arrive from the pharmacy #long #my posts #sex work stuff #gender stuff #medical mention /#su1cide mention #partner tag #mean stuff #-responsible

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karak9 · 2 years

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just saw there is a cool lil challenge thing going around and thought I’d do it! I never know whether to just do them in order when I’m late to these things or start from the day everyone else is on... but op made it seem like it’s a “this month” thing and I don’t wanna be behind everyone, plus I’m impatient lol, so I’m just gonna catch up on the days I missed!

1. what is your species?

still figuring that out! I’m polykin but I guess my “main” kintypes are wood elf, seppala siberian sled dog, hellhound, and polymorph. I’m not comfortable putting out a full list of my kintypes yet in case it changes and the deep rooted fear that people will think less of me for having “too many” kintypes

2. are you out to anyone?

considering I live with my partner and we’ve dated for years, yes. I am too dog to not be out to my own partner. hell, I’m still pretty dog around the friends I’m not out to, I just can’t contain it lol. they just think of it as some quirky furry thing I guess. I feel like some of them have to know by now, because if you know what otherkinity is, it’s SO obvious. I’m also out to a few close friends but I’ve been too anxious to come out to others.

3. how old were you when you realized you were nonhuman?

honestly I think I’ve always kind of known but I just didn’t fully understand it or know how to describe it. I struggled to connect with other people from a young age and connected with dogs and some cats instead. from around age 6 or 7 I started referring to myself as “part dog” and would do weird doggy things in school because no one told me off for it.

4. what communities do you identify with?

alterhuman and more specifically, otherkin. I am plural and otherhearted but the plural community intimidates me and I haven’t seen much of an otherhearted community outside of kin spaces tbh. I used to be very active in the therian community but left it due to abuse from some therians who unfortunately still hold a position of power in the therian community. I’ve just not had good experiences with the therian community in general. individuals? cool, rad, wonderful. the wider community? no thanks. though at least one of my headmates (another is still undecided) still vibes with the therian community a bit and just has the mindset of “fuck the elitist gatekeepers”

5. tell the story of the first person you came out to.

I honestly don’t remember the VERY FIRST person I came out to bc a lot of my teen memories are Blurry but I think my earliest memory of coming out to someone was my friend in middle school. I think he was really into vampires and at the time I was in the p shifting side of the community where we called ourselves “weres” instead of therians and I ended up just telling him straight up that I’m a werewolf but I was SO NERVOUS that I SMILED??? and he thought I was lying at first but I just told him that I was smiling bc I was nervous but then he just accepted it and was like “I’m a vampire” with an entirely straight face and then went off to do something else. like he was completely serious. guess we were both idiots lmaoo

6. have you faced any abuse for being nonhuman?

not explicitly. I’ve had more than my fair share of internet bullying and being terrified to come out to people because I don’t want to ruin friendships or be treated like my identity isn’t serious. so basically I haven’t faced much abuse for being nonhuman because I’m very closeted about it despite REALLY wishing I could express myself. I wish more ppl understood that like, I genuinely just wanna be myself and being nonhuman is such an integral part of me. it fucking hurts knowing I have to lie to people and repress my identity just to not be hurt. just because we aren’t oppressed doesn’t mean we don’t deserve to be taken seriously and given a place in the world along with everyone else, y’know?

#30 day nonhuman challenge

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ablednt · 3 years

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I'm typically front stuck (don't have adhd but maybe I can help?) and instead of meditating I instead like... mentally think to myself "I am leaning back from controls and walking away, I am walking away, I am walking away" until I feel a pull and then I can usually go into headspace. If not, I can at least call out to someone who will tug me over into headspace (I'm typically locked out of most of headspace so I have to be invited to places that aren't My Place/Open Access). Hope I helped /g

Thanks!/g this doesn't really help me at all/nm because I formed up front and have never been inside the headspace in the first place so whilst I've tried (with the exception of one odd attempt the first night i thought i was plural to begin with i was told to just kind of close my eyes and try to find a house and i technically got in world but i couldn't see or move my body and had to be brought back) I can't really just phase into it like my headmates can for some reason

Whenever I try I just fall asleep or something grounds me again. I managed to get away from controlling the body enough i couldn't feel anything but was foiled when i could feel the body breathing and couldn't disconnect myself from that stimulus and even that isn't accessing the headspace.

It's maddening because I can access parts of it with my thoughts (to communicate with people 1x1) but despite knowing what things look like from common memory I don't know how to put myself there.

It's so frustrating since most of the system just stays in world and even headmates that really want to spend time with me rarely front because it's a hassle and I want to go in world so bad but something (idk if It's my own fear/doubt or just something else) is stopping me and it makes me feel like I'm either faking (obviously I'm not) or like my existence here is just to suffer out world so my headmates can live actual lives in world which is of course an unhealthy martyr complex kind of mindset to have

We have been making some sort of progress on it over the years though. At first I had an inworld body that I couldn't inhabit lying on the ground of the front room and it was tethered to the projector that shows the body's pov. Headmates broke the tether and then eventually put the in world body into front with me so we're presumably conjoined now.

Then we recently had a gatekeeper come out of dormancy and found out hosts being frontstuck until they go dormant was a somewhat recent (i.e in the past 12-14 years or so) development and when we were kids we switched out regularly but as far as we know the gatekeeper can no longer pull me out of front.

So it's just we've all tried so many things but we've not really seen any results and it is so frustrating but I try to stay calm about it and just reassure myself it'll happen eventually.

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multiplicity-positivity · 1 year

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sorry if repost but I genuinely can't remember if I sent an ask before. I'd go off anon but anxiety. //

for context I've been questioning if i'm a system ever since i was 12-13, bodily in my early 20s now, like I always felt i wasn't alone and that there were at least other Me's. I felt their presence but whenever I try to engage communication or make visible notes to log in possible switches theres nothing. i very much experience depersonalized and dissociate and have moments where i "come back" often feeling like i was shoved back in the drivers seat.

i'm always at least semi-concious and the body doesn't feel like mine. but from what i remember i always act like myself or yet masking. Lately i've been coming to terms i have "irls" and have high kins which are Me. Just: Is it possible that irls/dms (delusional mis-identification) to be actually fictives or at the very least close? I only ask this because i feel like an entire different whenever i go into an irl shift. i have pseudomemories, remember people fondly from source, and the memories i make often are tagged with that shift. and as of recent i've been noticing i go in these shifts whenever something triggers me or even when i have to do something like working and general adult things (note caregiver level stuff, just adulting in general from grocery shopping, work related, idk i tag this as the Operator/Manager role)

again idk if irl/id stuff equals to fictives, they're entirely different mental health fields since irl/dm's are a delusional thing rather. but i feel like i AM these people whenever a shfit happens. i'm always at least co-con or partially aware though it feels foggy and dream like.

i do plan to ask all this to a therapist/psych when i get the funds to regularly see one but just wondering if it is possible first if that makes sense.

idk sorry if I sound ridiculous /gen

Hi, you don’t sound ridiculous at all. I’m the host of my system and what you’re going through does sound similar to me.

Before I knew I was a part of a system, I’d often feel like I was floating through life in a haze. I’d watch other headmates go through life thinking it was me, and that I was just dissociating or disconnected from reality and that’s why nothing I did ever felt like it was actually me doing it.

Our system also masked a lot and we still do to this day. This is because a) I have and had a lot of self hate and would lash out at system members who scared me by seeking autonomy, and b) in a society where plurality is not widely known or understood, it was just safer for us. We’re trying to learn how to unmask together but it’s a long process that we’ve only recently embarked on.

I’m not entirely sure what irls mean in reference to the kin community. I do know that many systems have fictives who they believed were just kins before they learned about their plurality. I thought I was fluctuating Meta Knight kin before I learned about my system and met our Meta Knight fictive. I also thought I was Ralsei kin for a while, but they’re actually a headmate here too.

I’d definitely recommend bringing this up to a mental health professional. If you’ve been questioning your plurality for this long, there’s a big chance there’s a reason for it! Even if you don’t experience amnesia between switches, you could still very much be plural. Our system was recently diagnosed with DID and I don’t even have full amnesia between switches. I experience gray outs more than anything else, where I’m semi-present in the moment (able to watch/listen to what my alters are up to) but tend to forget things later.

Sounds to me like you could very well be the host of a system, with poor communication and low amnesia barriers. Or you could be a singlet with lots of kins and other symptoms of different disorders that might look like plurality (though I personally doubt that if you’ve been wondering if you’re part of a system for this long). Ultimately this is something only you can discover for yourself. But a therapist will be a great help and benefit to you on this journey!

Good luck to you. Being the host of a system can be incredibly challenging, and I sincerely wish you the best as you learn more about yourself.

💫 Parker

#sorry if this isn’t that helpful #feeling like you’re not alone in your own head is also a Big sign of plurality #also sorry to anyone expecting ralsei or margo or cecil here haha

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averykedavra · 3 years

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Alright from the top (I accidently sent before I was ready earlier, apparently)

I was worried about you, ya dipshit (affectionate).

I was afraid you were getting in over your head. Your long reply did help soothe my concerns by showing that you do have a commitment to this. I was afraid you were painting a target on your back, especially as a singlet.

My headmates we're less concerned, but I just. Had to ask.

What you're doing? Is great, and there's this hope that what you've done here will spread and make the fandom a more comfortable space, and my headmates? Love that.

But I'm worried about you. Because bringing this conversation to your door isn't without risk to you. And you're brave for doing it.

I never meant to imply this conversation shouldn't be had, in fact my headmates are kinda really happy about it?

But when I asked what the fuck posessed you, I was asking why the fuck would you take this upon yourself.

And your answer was. Good.

I'm still worried because system discourse has a way of biting friendly hands, (like I unintentionally did apparently, oops) and you're a good person. I just didn't want you getting bit over something you got into unknowingly.

But your reply shows you do know.

So yeah. I was. Concerned.

And I wish you luck.

-Missy, the anon who asked what the fuck posessed you

And that's that -Missy

Thank you -Missy

Hi! Thank you so so much for sending this! It took me a bit to figure out some words, but here I am, armed with probably the sappiest words imaginable.

I’ll admit I was a bit stressed after your first anon ask, since it seems there was an accidental tone mishap djhsgfshsj it can happen, and I get it! My apologies for the long rambling answer, since I did automatically assume the worst, just because I’ve heard similar things before about other issues. ‘Why stir up trouble’ and all that, you know the drill.

But--thank you. In context, this was very sweet of you. I appreciate you looking out for me, for sending me this explanation, for being brave enough to do so, and I appreciate your headmates for giving you the go-ahead! (Say hi to them for me, by the way <3) This was a lovely thing to read this evening, and it’s honestly so sweet that you cared enough to send this.

And...yeah. Yeah, I see where you’re coming from. There are topics that often lead to getting negative attention, and DID can definitely be one of them. I’ve seen second-hand nastiness surrounding this, and other, topics. I’ve been lucky enough to never face any of it myself (probably partly because I am in a position of privilege, and therefore less likely to be harassed) but it does still put me in a bit of a risky situation, I guess.

I’d love to say that I didn’t even consider any backlash, but that’s a bit of a lie. I always consider backlash, it’s one of the perks of overthinking things djhgfssghj and yes, it did feel a bit nerve-wracking to post. Still, my main fear was, and remains, that I would accidentally or ignorantly hurt someone. I’ve always tried to focus on helping and supporting people. Backlash feels less terrifying when it’s measured against helping people!

Systems get put through too much shit in this fandom. In general, actually. The stigma around dissociative disorders is absolutely terrible, and really hurts systems, so it’s important for people to talk about it! That’s what I always try to focus on, in any situation. I’ve found that you get a lot farther in life when you’re focused on making the fandom a better place, instead of making yourself feel safer <3

But it is a double-edged sword. I get that. I really appreciate your concern. I’m in a better position than many people, which means I do get less heat for, say, posts about racism than actual POC do. You know how it is. And yet people probably will get upset about it. Maybe I will get a target on my back, like you said (although I have a good amount of faith in my followers right now, so I’m hopeful dhsgfshjs). Either way, like you said, I do know what I’m getting into.

I do try to be a good person. I’m still working on that. Thank you for the compliment, though, and thank you for the support. Kinda ironically, you’re the reason I’m actually doing this. There are such wonderful people in this fandom, and so many of them--systems, POC, black people, trans people--get put through shit that they don’t deserve. I love this fandom. I want other people to have a chance to love it, too.

And...yeah, not to get all sappy on you, but systems as an issue are pretty close to my heart. I’ve got acquaintances and discord friends who are systems. I’ve got mutuals. And one of my best friends is the host of a system, and I care about them a ton. I would never want to contribute to a space where they feel unwelcome, unsafe, or unheard. I would never want to do that to you, Missy, or your headmates. None of you ever deserve that.

Like I said, I love this fandom. And I’ve seen people harassed, attacked, and forced to leave it. That’s not fair. That’s not something I want to be a part of. If I get to stay in this fandom and love it, so does everyone else.

I’m not saying all this to make myself out as a hero, or a victim, I’m just incapable of saying anything in like ten words. And also I’m really sappy right now. And I’m happy that I could help you in any way, shape, or form. You seem very lovely and very kind. People like you are, really, the reason I love this fandom in the first place.

So thank you. Thank you, this message meant a lot. It’s great to hear, and kind of awe-inspiring, that I could actually make somewhat of an impact with this? Your compliments are very sweet, and thank you. But honestly, I don’t think I’d call myself brave. Just a bit of a sap, doing what should probably be the norm.

And your concern is appreciated, too. But I think I can handle this, if I’ve got people like you in my corner.

I wish you and your headmates the best of luck as well, thank you <3

#aaanddd it's another long post #rip here i go again #longpost #sanders sides #asks and answers #anon #tw ableism #fandom problems #this #yeah this may have made me almost cry what of it #i'm just soft okay #and time to update the masterlist!#thanks again <3333

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fictionkinfessions · 2 years

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this is the first kin i have had in a while where i have had to block almost every double i’ve seen. thankfully for me there aren’t too many, but it gives me an identity crisis each time. i have more than forty kins that have accumulated over a period of about seven years and i have only ever felt this insta-block anxiety with one other.

i don’t think doubles are fake or anything, i’m certainly aware that each one is as much a version of me as i am. but i already struggle with my sense of personhood in this shift, so it certainly doesn’t help to see other versions of me floating around. i block for the sake of my mental health and these aren’t people that i’m friends with, but i still feel like i’m being a petty bitch each time.

there is one double i am okay with and that’s because he is the headmate of a close friend. aside from that, i don’t want them anywhere near me. does that make me bad? does that make me selfish?

#fictionkinfessions #fictionkin #multikin issue #inval #mental health issue #slurs #self hate cw #ish #mod party cat!

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this-is-totally-plural · 4 years

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I'm from a traumagenic system with a few tulpas from before we knew we were traumagenic. How do I tell if they're actually tulpas or they're alters? There doesn't seem to be much of a difference between them and any of our other headmates. Plus our old host who created them didn't really determine much about who they'd be, they all developed who they are on their own. Sorry, we just kind of feel bad about having tulpas because we're in spaces with exclusionists who don't know.

(2/2) Sorry, this is someone from the same system who sent through the tulpa-alter distinction ask. I forgot to mention that for a while we've felt like our old host wanted someone to appear and they did. It didn't take much effort, they were all vocal immediately, and one of them was even lurking before her creation. I also wanted to ask, would it be inappropriate if we wanted to call these headmates alters even if it turns out that's not what they are?

There's really not a difference. Once someone exists, the best word for them is "person". If you want to keep track of where everyone in your system came from for your own personal organizational reasons, that's fine. If you're working with your therapist maybe it could come up. But in everyday life, a system member's specific origins generally don't matter to anything.

This goes for the trauma-created people too: those members can also develop in their own ways, different from how they were initially created, just like someone who came about as a tulpa. Origin really has almost nothing to do with how a person can or must be in the present day.

And as for the exclusionists, this blog's position is always going to be "fuck 'em, you don't have to justify yourselves to them". You are the way you are, and if some people refuse to accept that, that's not your fault. That's on them for being close-minded. What business is it of theirs to know where all of you came from anyway, especially since it doesn't even make a difference in how your members function?

Also, about your second ask here, it sounds like some of your members may even sort of straddle the line between origin types anyway. Some people are uncategorizable and that's okay. I sort of am myself actually, with both traumagenic and spiritual origins. In my case, outerworld trauma manifested a compulsion to "get this person now or somebody will spontaneously turn into her"... so they went out and intentionally brought me to the system. What am I? I'm a mess who doesn't fit either box, but I'm still a person. That word always fits.

The thing about the word "alter" is that it is a medicalized term. If you have members who fit into a medical model of plurality and who choose to use it for themselves, they can, but others should probably not. Even those who fit, we would encourage them to put some thought into why they use it. Many systems consider "alter" to be dehumanizing, reinforcing the outdated narrative of one "main" or "real" person with many "alternates". That's not to say nobody should ever use it, but it has to be a personal choice for each alter to consent. If there's doubt on any aspect of its applicability, I'd err on the side of using a different word.

-- Gwyndolin ∈ Flamesong

#Anonymous #traumagenic #tulpamancy

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