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dopaminergicaddictions · 3 months

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3/12/24

11:13 p.m Updated

So I made it to my testosterone shot thankfully, as yesterday I was 10 minutes late to my doctor appt and they made me reschedule. If I lose my primary care I'm going to have so many issues between my insomnia script and my biweekly testosterone shot. I'm really thankful I got there with 5 minutes to spare.

I also lost track of time yesterday bc I've been running around like a chicken with my head cut off and I was 20 minutes late to my appt with Mike... he texted me and offered me 6:30 after I didn't show up for 6. I showed up at 6:27 and he didn't show up... I waited 27 minutes... either way today I made my obligations. I met with Mike too for the first time in like a month. After yesterday him leaving me hanging and pretending not to get my texts. I prob shouldn't see him but what am I supposed to do? Danielle was all about countertransference.... and finding a therapist as a transguy is tough. I write it in my emails and I can send 10 and only one person responds to me so whatever, it is what it is.

I called Eye Doctors around town and 2 out of 3 said they measure each eye individually. The other said both at the sametime. I called my eye doctor, I lied and said I got their script from an online eye wear place and I got headaches... I said it could either be the script or that the glasses were made incorrectly. Luckily my insurnace will cover a retest within 30 days of getting your script. I'm scheduled for the 19th and I will make sure they do both eyes separately before I take my ray bans off hold. And I'll update the script with the accurate test results. For now I'll just wear my distance glasses. I'm going to keep them bc of the shape and style for gaming and driving... if I got them updated as progressives they would be 304$ cause they won't let you pick clear lenses in this frame, you got to pick transitions and the most expensive one... it's ridiculous cause I love these frames... so my ray bans will be progressive pending my new test on Tuesday....

I worked on a few things I've been putting off, I called my capture card place and gamestop. The capture card place will replace it refurbished but only give me a month warranty as I am officially out of warranty but I called in December and it saved my ass. I called game stop and my warranty for the same capture card ended March 9th. Psychosis and my circadian rhythm make accomplishing things very difficult.... The manager at gamestop sent an email to try to remedy the situation as I went in store in December and tried to replace it or get a refund. I have a 2 year warranty that just expired. I explained that I have psychosis and I've been having issues getting stuff done. He is going to try to replace it or give me my 79$ back.. it would be more ideal... as a refurbished with a month warranty isn't ideal... but I have one of two options. I have to wait until Monday to hear back from Gamestop before I make the decision to either send it back to EVGA or accept whatever gamestop will give me.

I had months to call and I couldn't cause I'm always overwhelmed and stressed because I have to simulate my auditory cortex with pod casts or mindless TV like The Simpsons with heavy dialogue just to not hear the voice. I used to work in silence... like to focus I would sit in complete silence and do my stuff. Now I must always have constant chatter on in the background to avoid hearing the voice... hearing how repetitive it is drives me crazy. However listening to mindless chatter in the background even as I write this drives me crazy cause I can't focus the way I want to.

Not to mention I have constant doctor appts and a fucked circadian rhythm. I generally have 1 hours and 30 minutes a day with the time I wake up... and if a doctors appt is during that time which i have therapy 3 days a week. It gives me like 20 minutes to call a place.

I really want to kill myself after reading about recovery rates. I'm considered in remission... "Remission" is defined as symptomatic but functioning in a social/occupational/taking care of yourself type of way. Basically it's someone who hallucinates, but is firmly gripped in reality. You can't be delusional... and you have to be able to take care of yourself, shower, eat, cook, shop, drive, make appts, have fulfilling social relationships, have a job etc...

I don't have a job and likely never will. If I could stop having ocd I'd work with kids. I'd be able to do it with the voice. I can't with my ocd and psychosis. Either way I am in remission as I meet all criteria.

Remission is depressing and when you look at graphs, a lot of people are in Remission...

Recovery is a different beast.. it's having no symptoms. When you look at these charts, my percentage of actually not hallucinating one day is about 24% in 6 months, 26% in 12 months, 39% in 24 months. It doesn't seem promising.

I have "fulfilling" relationships. It's funny. When you have friends and you're single, you feel more alone. Hanging out with Charlotte Saturday, Marcy after Charlotte left (cause I didn't get a real birthday party), hanging out with John Monday over mic playing FC4 was not fulfilling. I hallucinated much less but I felt alone. They all have partners. I'm lacking companionship. I'm lacking someone to hug, hold hands with, share all my most intimate secrets with, someone to trust to have always be there for me.

I've been in support groups for voice hearers and everyone is more crazy than me. Everyone has schizophrenia and schizoaffective, etc. They see more, hear more and are all on antipsychotics.. most have tardive dsykinesia. No one is like me. I'm the odd one out who has to be sensitive about antipsychotics bc everyone is on them. Everyone is eccentric. I feel like I don't belong.

I feel like I don't belong anywhere. I feel like my chance to recover could take anywhere from 3 years to 10 years and I may never not hallucinate.... it may be that I am in remission for the rest of my life... I will never take antipsychotics I don't want negative symptoms, movement disorders, seizures, and I don't want to have 30% of my life shortened....

So here I stand, in remission. Wondering if full recovery is possible when I feel so fucking unfulfilled with everything I have in my life. No one likes my face enough on these dating apps to even get to know me..

As i talked to John. Marcy. Charlotte I felt this hollowing aloneness. I'm not like you. You have fulfillment. You don't have secrets that will make sure no one ever loves you or stays. You're not like me.

Until I find a partner I'm going to feel this way. Which I likely won't.

Until I actually recover I will never feel at peace. If Kristen keeps her license I'm actually going to commit suicide.

If Kristen does lose her license if my life doesn't get more fulfilling I'm going to kill myself.

I don't think there is any point in fighting. Yet I keep doing it and idk why.

All I know is I have to report Kristen before I end my life. She doesn't get to take mine without at least having a red mark on her perfect record.

Antipsychotics aren't even considered on this chart cause 99.99% take them... and I won't. But yea it's pretty disappointing. I'm depressed and I don't see much of a point in trying. I got to at least submit my paperwork before I do it.

I don't believe in soulmates. I don't believe there is someone out there for me. I don't believe I'll be anything or even have a somewhat satisfying relationship with anyone.

Once I get news of kristen license I'm ending my life. Especially if she gets to keep it. But idk how many more disappointing months I can live like this. I've talked to 2 people who had thc induced psychosis who didn't take antipsychotics they heard a voice the whole time and recovered within 1 year and 6 months that's all I got for research from people like me.

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quirklessidiot · 4 years

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Title: coward :: warm saki for the cold nights Pairing: Y/N x Miya Atsumu Genre: angst, romance, and very slow burn [ex to lovers au] Warnings: Cursing, alchohol, mentions of unprotected sex, unplanned pregnancy, and mentions of abortion

Synopsis: Atsumu deals with heartbreak again and while doing so, receives an unexpected call that may just help bridge you two again.

notes:

someone said that my character for atsumu was differently written from most fanfiction. tbh the only fuckboy i see in haikyuu is Yuuji HASHHSSHAHA have u seen the piercing and how agressive he is. that def screams fuck boi

also i will be closing the taglist already after this chapter :/ if you guys don’t want to be tagged in the side stories, just message me hehe its not a problem (also i will be updating the side stories every FRIDAY’S) the drabble requests will be open for ten drabbles after the side stories hehe ily all so much. stay safe and i hope you enjoy this chapter!

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Atsumu watches you walk out of his life again for the second time.

He doesn’t know what to do or why he’s here on his bed, playing with the silver ring band that he was supposed to give you six years ago after he’d been accepted in the jackals. As much as he was heartbroken by the fact that you didn’t want to get married then, he still wanted to give you a simple ring band as a promise that marriage was never the only way to get him to stick around you.

He couldn’t throw it away even after all these years.

Now that he looks at it, he’s reminded of that time you left him. The first time.

He really thought it would hurt less this time around. It was the second time after all but it still stings especially now since it was right at his face. He lets out a bitter chuckle, ‘selfish, huh?’ he thought.

Those words were odd coming from you.

In the two year span of your relationship, you were never the selfish one. In fact, he came to the late realization that he was the selfish one between you two in the relationship. Atsumu always thought physical and loud declarations of affection were the key to a healthy relationship, mundane things like sleeping next to each other or being there everyday (hence why long distance relationships were a no go for him) but you, you took it up the notch.

It may have been your first relationship but you were better than any girl he had dated. He realized then that maybe that's why you broke up with him, because you probably thought that he didn’t care to know more about you (when in actuality he was just too scared to ask because he might lose you if he did)

The phone starts to ring and as much as he wants to ignore it again, something tells him that he should answer this unknown contact.

“...Yo, this is Daiki.”

He blinks as he hears the deep voice of the basketball player, wasn’t this supposed to be his rival? How the hell did he even get his number?

“I heard Y/N pushed you away again like before, want to grab that drink?”

Atsumu doesn’t know why he agrees right after.

They ended up at a private japanese bar, apparently they had the best saki in the whole of japan and Daiki was willing to treat him despite the high price of alcohol because of what happened between you two, “You look like shit, man.” he points out as soon as he arrived, “No offense. Then again, that’s what I looked like when Y/N first rejected me.”

Atsumu sits across him at the booth and ignores the man’s statement about his looks, “Do you still like Y/N that way? Even after she rejected you a lot?” he asks, suddenly.

“After I realized how much she liked those kid’s father. I sorta gave up.” He laughed as if it was nothing, “He was hard to match, Y/N was begging me not to go to him to punch him in the face, she was in tears that night.”

“He’s a lucky bastard.” Atsumu spat bitterly, pouring more sake on his cup, “I’m guessing you know this guy?”

“Of course I do.” Daiki began, “Only recently though, Y/N never told anyone who the dad was. I had to figure that shit out on my own.”

Atsumu stares at his drink for a moment and swirls it around, he wants to know but at the same time he doesn’t. What would he even do if he knew? Would he find him and punch the asshole in the face for doing that to you? He’s starting to get Daiki, whoever this guy was, he was impossibly hard to match.

“I want to be in her life.” Atsumu confessed, “I want to replace that bastard’s place.”

Daiki’s eyes crinkle in utter amusement, just how long was this cat and mouse game going to play? What would happen if he told this blonde guy? Would you talk to him after he told Atsumu why you left? Would Daiki even be able to handle you leaving him?

Daiki’s take a deep breath as he ponders on that thought. He was willing to risk it though. He sees the genuineness in this guy’s eyes. From a man to a man, he could sense it. God, if only he had been a bit more pushy towards you back then about the whole tell-your-boyfriend thing, maybe you’d have it a bit easier now.

“What’s stopping you?”

“Y/N.” The blonde shrugs, the mere mention of your name stinged like the alcohol he was drinking, “I can’t force her. I can’t repeat the same mistakes I made before. Relationships were never her strongest suit and I feel like I forced it on her.”

“You didn’t.” Daiki proclaims, the basketball player ponders for a moment in deep thought, “The thing about Y/N is that she’s careful with whom she wants to be intimate with. The reason why she probably said yes was because she saw something in you but in the end…” Daiki paused, he’s not sure what to say next, this was a sensitive issue after all, “In the end, her fear got the better of her…”

“Sometimes I wish I could take it all away.” The setter quietly confessed, recalling the fear in your eyes back then made him sick.

In the two-year relationship you had, it had always been about him. He really had the audacity to proudly proclaim that he loved you yet it seemed more like you had loved him more.

It showed when you’d quietly just hold his hand and draw small circles on it after a loss, how you’d listen to his stories without interruptions, how you’d help him out in classes that he had a hard time at, how you’d prepare a hot meal for him every night he stayed up later to train, and how you’d silently just let him snuggle on your chest after a long day. It was those little things, things he realized later on that you’d never do to other people but he was a special case.

It was always about you taking care of him and putting him first.

It wasn’t openly affectionate like the girls he had before or after you, you had your own little way.

It was always about wanting to get a physical reaction from you, he was too blinded to the fact that it was never your type of thing.

He was the taker in the relationship, you had always been the giver.

Daiki was silent once again as he observed his devastating figure, “You really love her, don’t you?”

“I do.” he chuckled, “People tend to call me a fuck up for that but they don’t get it. When Y/N shows a little side of her, you...you can’t stop loving her, ya know? God, when she smiled and laughed at me for the first time. I knew at that moment that I wanted to hear that beautiful sound for the rest of my life.”

It felt good to get that out of his chest for once, ‘samu would call him a sappy piece of shit if he had heard that but it was the raw truth. Every word he said, every feeling he tried to express, it was all so genuine and that’s what made everything so painful.

God, the saki was getting to him. He can’t believe he told Daiki out of all people about this.

“You said you wanted to know who the father of those kids was, right?”

Atsumu stops whatever he’s drinking and feels his ears perk up at the sound of that. Daiki looks dead serious as he downs the saki straight-up, the next few words sobers the blonde setter because it’s not what he expects.

“Y/N told me the father was her first boyfriend, a boy from tokyo university.”

Atsumu feels his heart thumping fast as he makes his way to your apartment in the dead of the night, the alcohol long gone but the words of Daiki still stinging and fresh, a father? Was that why you ran away?

Because you were pregnant with his kids?

He curses underneath his breath as he finally parks his car in front of your apartment, he’s still shaken by the sudden revelation and he feels like kicking himself, how he could’ve been so stupid? He should’ve known something was odd when you suddenly disappeared and broke up on the phone.

While he was enjoying his life as a pro, you were out there fending for the kids alone.

He shakes his head.

“...I can’t tell you why Y/N ran away, it’s better if you heard the story from her.” Daiki’s words echo in his head, “I know she placed a lot on your plate these past six years but she has her reasons, I’m not saying that you should forgive her immediately. I’m just asking you to listen.”

Atsumu gets out of his car and takes out his phone, calling the number he got from Daiki. You had never exchanged numbers even after all that had happened. Now that he noticed, you were keen on distancing yourself from him. Ever since the beginning, you were so adamant to push him out of your life in the same cold way like before.

How could he not have noticed?

He curses himself in his head, for all the times he had to be slow, why now?

“Hello?” Your voice is groggy, signaling that you were asleep, “May I know who's on the line?”

“I’m downstairs.” he blurted out, not knowing what to say, he knows you recognize his voice, “Can we talk Y/N?”

“Miya-san? What are you?- It’s almost twelve-”

“One last time, Y/N.” He pleads, voice soft as he says your name, “Please?”

You hang up soon after, he doesn’t care if he has to stake out here in his car for the whole night and wait for you to come down in the morning. Right now, all that matters is you.

Only you.

Thankfully, he doesn’t need to do that since he sees you going out of your apartment a few moments later in a large black coat with mismatched socks, if it weren’t for the gravity of the situation, he would’ve teased you for your unusual get-up.

“I thought I told you that I didn’t want to have anything to do with you anymore.” in contrast to your soft tone, your words are harsh and if it were the old him, he’d have back down but he knows something now.

He takes in a deep breath and lets out a drawling sigh as he removes his scarf, “It’s cold tonight.” He observes, ignoring the harsh words you said as he inches closer to you to wrap his scarf around your neck.

“You smell like alcohol.”

“Aomine-san and I went out for a drink.” He recounts, tying the scarf on your neck. He sucks in a deep breath before he says the following words, “You know Y/N, you never told me his name.”

“Excuse me?” You're confused by the sudden words as you try to remove the scarf but he stops you and grabs a hold of your hands instead, clasping his fingers on yours like the old times. He loved the warmth you radiated. It always felt nice.

“The name of that bastard who left you.” He stated. He’s so close to you to the point that you could smell the saki and perfume on him, hear his ragged breathing, and hear the thumping of his heart. You try to remove yourself from his grasp but you’re trapped in his stare and tight hold, “What’s his name, Y/N?”

“I told you, it’s none-”

“Just a name, Y/N.”

Silence ensued between you two and you nervously gulp down.

So it really was him.

This was now or never.

“Just for one moment, can you stop running away from me?” he begs, as he inched closer to hug you and place his head on your shoulder, “Just stop running, Y/N. You don’t have to tell me what happened and why you ran away back then, just let me love you now and be a father to those kids.”

It's silent for a moment and he feels fear engulf him again, his confidence slowly vanishing. Were you going to push him away again?

Yet he feels you starting to tremble on his hold and something wet on his shoulders, he suddenly stands up straight to find you crying on his shoulder, “You’re so fucking stupid, did you know that?” you suddenly cried, “I literally broke up with you on the fucking phone, ran away from you-”

“Yet you never forgot me and raised those kids very well on your own.” He hummed, cutting you off as he rested his head on top of yours, still hugging you tightly. Yes, this was right, the warmth that he wanted was right here, he was finally at ease.His anxiety was slowly dwindling, “God, I should’ve tried harder to not make you feel that way before.”

“I-It’s my fault.” You stammered, “I kept doubting you and kept running from you.”

“You must’ve been scared, sweetheart.” He murmured, cutting you off as he ignores you recounting your past ‘mistakes’ --- he wouldn’t call it mistakes though, they were the seeds of doubt that he planted on you, so he was technically at fault there, he should’ve tried harder to not make you feel that way. He should’ve been more observant ---- He buries himself on your scent and draws small circles on your back to soothe your shaking figure. You’d do this to him a lot before, it was his turn now to return all the comfort and support you gave him.

Atsumu slowly lets go and sees you’re a mess in front of him from the red rims under your eyes to the wet cheeks to your non-stop shaking figure.

‘...You always had trouble expressing yourself naturally to people after all.’

No, it seemed like you had turned it off towards other people except your kids. Atsumu noted how strong you were towards your kids, how you tried hard to build a home for them and be the most genuine mother you could be, it breaks his heart that he wasn’t there to help and support you.

He slowly brings his hands up and softly cups your cheeks to wipe the stray tears, “I know that I can’t take all your problems and baggage away for a night but I’ll be here, Y/N. I’ll be here even if you’re annoyed, I’ll be here even if you throw me out because of the confusion you have with your feelings. I’ll stay. Permanently, no take-backs.”

You shakily lift your hands to grab a hold of his rough hands and squeeze it to make sure this is all real, that this wasn’t a dream.

“You’re an idiot.” You sniffle, taking in his warmth and basking on it, “I really told you to be selfish, for once. Why can’t you do that?”

“That’s ironic coming from you.” he mused, “You were always the giver in our relationship in your own way, you raised our kids in the best way possible. I could think of a million ways that you were the giver in our relationship and I was more of the receiver.” Atsumu chuckles at the irony as he slowly runs his fingers through your hair. He feels better now that everything is out of the way, that he can finally hold you with no restrictions. The little family with you that was supposed to be a fleeting moment, was now slowly becoming a reality.

“In the end, all that matters is that I love you. It’s never changed for the past six years, Y/N. I doubt it’ll change in the long run.” he confessed, leaning in to give you a brief kiss on the temple. You feel yourself start to calm down as you rested on his chest and listen to his heart beat.

You missed that sound, the sound of home.

It takes a while for you to actually settle down and sit with your kids, Atsumu reminds you that you could take your time in the introductions, even volunteering that he could help you with it but you decided against it in the end. This was your responsibility. You still had to make up for the past six years of heartbreak you gave to the poor man and your kids.

Atsumu doesn’t shy away though, he comes by after his morning training during your lunch break to have lunch with you and even volunteers to pick up the kids after class before his nightly training.

Slow pace and baby steps as he’d like to call it.

“Jiji’s acting weird.” Yuuto frowns as he picks on his fish with his chopsticks, “He’s been hanging around us too much, kaasan.”

“Yeah!” Youta echoes, “Is he going to be like Daiki-ojisan? Is he going to be our ojisan?”

You place your chopsticks down and stare at the pair in front of you. It would be hard to explain to the pair about Atsumu and his relationship with them, you almost wanted to call the man himself to help you explain but you decided against it.

This was now or never.

“Can kaasan tell you something?” You softly ask, placing your chopsticks down, the steamed fish long forgotten.

“What is it, kaasan?” Youta asks innocently, tilting his head just a bit, “Did jiji do something again? Should me and yu do something about it?”

“No,” you shake your head, “It’s...It’s about your otosan…”

Silence enveloped the table, the boys never talked about their father in front of you because they noticed how sad you’d be by the mere mention of their father yet that didn’t stop them from asking around your close circle of friends like Atsumu and Daiki. Did you find out about their interest? Were they going to be scolded?

“I...I want to introduce him to you…” You slowly began, “he...he’s come home…”

Youta and Yuuto’s eyes widen immediately, “He? He has?” Yuuto suddenly exclaimed, standing up from his chair. You could detect the excitement in his eyes, “What does he look like, kaasan? Does he have the same hair as us? Does he look like us? Did- did he get all his dreams?”

“Is he a doctor, kaasan? Or does he play sports like Daiki-ojisan and jiji?” Youta adds, wondering out loud, “Weird. We’re not that famous yet, kaasan. Is he going to be proud of us?”

You feel your heart thump and your eyes water at the question as you swallow the lump on your throat, “He’s, he’s very proud of you.” you try to blink away the tears, “In fact, your otosan was very scared because you might hate him.”

“Is that why he wasn’t able to come home?” Yuuto asks quietly, he had always been smart for his age.

You were silent for a moment and you take in a very deep breath, when they were old enough you’d tell them all about what happened, in the meantime, you’d tell them a simple explanation, “No, it was kaasan’s fault...Your otosan wasn’t able to come home because of kaasan…”

“Will...will you tell us why, kaasan?” Youta questions, you could tell that he was scared to ask that question.

“Because kaasan was scared…” You paused, trying to find the right words to explain to them, “Kaasan had you when me and your otosan was still quite young so kaasan ran away…”

“Did o-otosan not want us then?” Yuuto quivers, his lifted spirits now down, you could tell that he was trying to hold it in. You immediately had to stand up and rush to their side to comfort them, “Of course not!” You exclaimed, taking their hands and bending to their level, “It’s just, kaasan had very bad things happening around her that she had to run away.”

“Are...are the bad things gone now then, kaasan?”

You turn to Youta whose eyes were soft and spirits down too, he seemed to have grasped the situation yet at the same time, he couldn’t get it. Maybe it was a big kids type of thing? Would he understand this all when he was older?

“Almost…” You quietly replied, you knew you still had a lot of things to fix within yourself like Atsumu had said, it’s not something you can ever get rid of but it’s never bad to take a helping hand once in a while, “Your otosan is helping me and you guys are helping me too, so they’re slowly disappearing…”

“When...when will we meet him? Our otosan?”

You’re silent for a second and you nervously tell them to wait a moment as you go to your room to take out a Polaroid, one with you and Atsumu in it. It’s an old one, taken on your last anniversary. It’s one of those memorabilia's you kept of him that you could never throw away.

You come back to the table and sit across them as you place the picture in front of them, “You’ve met him already…”

Youta’s eyes widen, “Isn’t this…”

“Jiji?” Yuuto finishes, jaw slacken.

You couldn’t tell if they were happy or disappointed at all. Their faces were bare stripped of emotion, the only thing you detected was shock.

“It was never your otosan’s fault, I…” You shakily sighed, holding in the tears, “It was mine, I’m so sorry…I’m so so sorry…”

At that moment, you really didn’t know how you should face them or how you should explain it to them, you were so caught up in your fears and anxiety that you didn’t notice how soft their features became, “Will you tell us?” Youta asks.

You look them both in the eye.

“Will you tell us why where we’re older, kaasan?” Yuuto adds.

Your shaking ceased when you heard those words.

Ah yes, they were their father’s kids. Always so patient, always there to listen to you. How were you blessed with such good kids? You broke down a smile reserved just for them.

“Yes, when you’re ready and older.” You affirmed, bowing down in apology, “I hope you’ll be patient with me then.”

taglist [officially closed, if you guys want to be removed for the side stories, feel free to tell me hehe ilyasm]

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ones-delight · 3 years

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I unfortunately won’t have therapy until the end of this month (I should have scheduled one earlier this month ugh lmao I thought one later this month would be better) so I’m doing what my therapist suggested, write down all what’s going through my head even if it doesn’t make sense to help bring myself back to reality. lol. I’m very much lost in my own sauce of feelings and thoughts. it’s allllll about my ex again so ugh lmao. My main anxieties are just feelings about my ex and what’s coming up this semester.

I’m currently in my apartment in Iowa City since we’re about to start back up my usual routine. I’ve been here for almost two weeks now which is nice because I’ve been trying to take my time to relax and get myself mentally prepared for this upcoming semester. I’m also low key glad I’m having these overwhelming anxieties right now instead of later this week. I need to ask my therapist again what exactly I am feeling (if it’s like a panic attack because i truly dont know) because I’ve been feeling hella anxious the past few days (in general) and yesterday my anxiety was so intense that I barely ate and I felt sick to my stomach. idk if others have the same too but when I also get hella anxious, all I want to do is go to the bathroom so tmi lmao. I feel this way now and I just cannot stop crying so again, I’m just writing everything that’s going through my mind lmao.

#1) Related to my ex, heart break

Yeah.. I literally keep talking about this/him and I’m glad I have multiple outlets that I can say what’s going through my mind because if I keep these thoughts to myself, I keep spiraling. I’m also very thankful I have multiple strong support systems from people where it truly doesn’t get annoying to them when I keep talking about him/my overall heart break/healing journey. I know I don’t want to burden my friends with my own thoughts (it can be a lot) so overall very thankful for friends, family, and my therapist lmao.

I think the last time I talked about my heart break was the letter I wrote to him. I wrote it and sent it to him lmao. I also wrote his mom a letter in Spanish because I want to stay connected with her and very thankful she reciprocates the same energy, Apparently, he never received the letter even though I sent it over 3 weeks ago, but anyways yeah that’s a story I will tell later in this post. Anyways, it’s legit easier said than done to completely stop checking on his social media. I was doing great before winter break. Now that winter break has happened (still kind of is for a few more days), I have relapsed where I was checking very often. The break was great since I got to spend quality time with family, however, unfortunately being back in Wichita still floods a lot of my emotions where there are still a lot of memories of him and I that still makes me feel sad (luckily no longer sobbing about but I do still feel some type of way. It’s getting better thankfully). It also hurts that he’s making new memories with his new girlfriend Kylie so I was def feeling all sorts of things. Sorry, I’m trying to go onto chronologize order of events that have happened. I’m jumping back and forth lmao

First, did I mention his mom called me the day before Christmas? I was SHOOOOOK when I saw her name on my phone. I legit froze because I wasn’t sure if it was actually her so I accidently missed her call. I’m so glad she left a voicemail so I could listen first and immediately call her back LMAO. But basically, she wanted to check in to see how I was doing, wish me and my family a merry christmas/happy new year, and asked if I could come see her. We joked a bit back and forth like how she was learning English for me while I’m learning Spanish for her. lmao. so after this phone call, I wrote her a letter to update her on what I’ve been doing. I wrote it all in Spanish since that’s her primary language so thank god for google translate. overall, I told her about how I’m about to earn my masters degree in may, I’ve lost now 30 lbs of weight/having a better relationship with food, how I’m honestly still hurt about her son cheating on me (I was in my feels. You know if you ever get those feelings like you want your mom? She legit is like a mom to me since my mom isn’t an active part of my life so yeah I guess you can say I got mommy issues but anyways) I also told her that if she’d still like me to come over, I’d love to come over and see her.

Few days go by, I’ve been creeping onto his social media, it stings to see how he has flaunted his relationship with Kylie. It hurts because I keep playing this comparison game because he truly has NEVER allowed me to post about us and he would himself refuse to post about us on his social media. So, just to see how he’s been basically spending every single day with her and posting her throughout all of his social media, makes me feel an extreme type of way. during new years, she had a party at her house where it was him, her, his brother paco (which I was SHOOOK because she met paco and not everyone has ever met paco, who is his oldest brother), miguel and his girlfriend (both are super cute btw), Blake (surprisingly), and Erik. I felt some kind of way because obviously I know they would share a new years kiss even tho they’ve only been dating for literally a month. I dated him for 3 years and NEVER got a new years kiss (because he wanted to be with bros). Valentines day is coming up and it’d be their “two month” anniversary and I just KNOW he’d actually put EFFORT into spending that day with her. 3 years I dated this guy and he never ONCE did ANYTHING for me for valentines day. ok I’m getting more hurt thinking how he’s treating his other girls better than me so anyways BACK TO THE TOPIC

few days go by and I got another call from his mom. I actually picked up this time because I was really excited to hear her voice again. I legit would die for this woman legit #1 mom. She asked if she could see me and I happily said yes. It really means a lot that she still gives me the same energy that she gave me when I was still dating her son. One of the hardest parts of us breaking up was the potential of losing his family too because they are all truly good people and I am NOT the CEO of letting people go lmao. okay back to subject, I had TONS of anxiety driving over to her house because I had so many thoughts. I asked on the phone if 1.) is Lalo there. She said no. 2.) Is Paco there. No, he apparently flew back to California that morning. I was low key hoping paco would be there still because it would be cool to catch up with him but anyways my main concern was if eduardo was there so since he wasn’t, I was like “ok vroom vroom let’s go” lmao. WOWOWOWWO seeing her just made my heart so happy. She def has a lot more gray hairs since the last time I saw her lmao she’s the cutest anyways, I’m really shook that HIS DAD FREAKING HUGGED ME. THIS MAN NEVER USUALLY HUGS ANYONEEEEEEEEEEE. Typically how we greet each other, it’s like a wave from a distance and we obvi acknowledge each other. so WOOOOW I was very thankful and shook he hugged me. Anyways, his mom showed me around the house with the Christmas decorations, I noticed her birds were still doing well, she even showed me her new plants she got lmao. We sat at the dining room table and talked and ate mexican snacks. She has broken English and I have broken Spanish so literally thank god for dualingo because it has helped me. I love how when we are together, we talk really slow and try to annunciate for each other LMAOOO. Anyways, THIS WOMAN ALSO GOT ME A STOCKING filled with Mexican Candy. omg this woman i love her so much. Anyways, I showed my tattoos to her and she legit wanted to murder me lmao but she says she likes them but hates them at the same time. She also sat me down and we had a serious conversation in terms of how she sees me. She said that I am no longer known as lalo’s novia, what I am to her is a daughter. I am evelyn’s sister and yo boi that got me crying in the club because that’s what I would love to have, to maintain my relationship with them . Okay, to kind of speed things up, basically we kept talking about Evelyn’s quinceanera that’s happening this year AHHHHHH, dropped Evelyn off and her friend to a friend’s quince, and his mom took me to eat at paleterias tropicana where I tried elote for the first time and had a jugo verde WOOOOOW SOOOOOOOO GOOOOOOOD. literally cannot stop thinking about it. Anyways, random note, I noticed my old K-State beanie in the car and his mom said it was Evelyn’s. It gave me a weird feeling because it was originally mine that he gifted me on our first Christmas together but obviously I knew he wouldn’t keep it so I’m not suprised he gave it to Evelyn. It made me wonder then what did he do to the other gifts that he originally gave me but I gave it back to him once we broke up.. okay that was a tangent, anyways, that was it with the night with his mom and ughhh it was a really fun night and I really am looking forward to seeing her again.

Now fast forward to now-ish, me not doing good of not checking his social media, I got triggered because they now made it “facebook officlal” that they are dating. it triggered me because again, he refused to publicize our relationship and it really threw me off that they’ve only been dating for a month (technically interested in each other since October, started dating November) and already publicizing they are together. they moving hella quick and basically, I got hella bitter. I felt reckless and I texted him. I KNOW I shouldn’t have texted him because I immediately felt a sense of regret after but also low key glad I did text him. ugh i hate me lmao. Anyways, i texted him and he asked if he could call me so I said yes. Luckily, the conversation was better than I expected because it was simply like two old friends catching up. It was a really good feeling even tho I’m honestly still hurt about the way that he treated me. It caught me by suprised when he said that he has talked about me with Kylie and he actually stated that he knows what he did and feels regretful for the choices he made. That was a huge shocker and I do still have trust issues because I try to take things that he says with a grain of salt. He may be saying things to me that I want to hear but it’s not the truth so anyways lmao. Our conversation was good and it really got me thinking what exactly am I doing/how am I really feeling.

I really am happy for him. Yes i’m still deeply hurt and feel a type of way about how he treated me, but I can’t do anything about the past and all I can do is just simply be happy for him. I will always love him without a doubt, but he isn’t my person. I hope this doesn’t come off as selfish but he will never find someone better than me, he is simply finding someone better suited for him. What helps me the most about this is thinking about ME because that’s the situation for him, however, I know I will find someone better than him because I deserve the best.

I felt bad for asking because I am just fucking nosy and I’m glad he was okay with me asking about what happened with his relationship with Lila (the girl he left me for) and how did he start dating Kylie. He shared with with me that even though it was all great in the beginning with Lila (and let me tell you dude, he totally was hella infatuated with her lmao), they started becoming two different people. She apparently wasn’t emotionally there for him when he needed her (IRONICCCCCCCCCCCCC BECAUSE THAT’S EXACTLY HOW HE WAS WITH ME THROUGHOUT OUR 3 YEARS TOGETHER) and she ended the relationship. It did make me sad to hear because everyone needs support and it is sad when you go to someone for support and they don’t give you it, ya know? anyways, he said with Kylie, they’ve been friends for two years (I knew who she was when we were together but they’ve always only been friends since they worked at the Sunflower together. This will sound extremely bad but I never thought about her being a girl to worry about because she did a lot of “white” things that we make fun of white people for and so it kind of shocked me that he is dating her now but anyways) apparently he said that “they were hanging out and next thing he knows is that he kissed her and that’s how they started dating.” dude didn’t want to go into detail which was fine but I’m also in my head like “ok lmao you literally just got broken up by your ex and then immediately start hanging out with another girl? ok” ANYWAYS, I really am happy for him and wish him the best.

It was cool to hear about what he’s hoping to do. He shared a lot more detail than usual which again caught me by surprise. Anyways, he shared that he is currently looking for a new place to live (a house to rent) somewhere in college hill (conveniently where Kylie also lives lmao) with Erik. He is also hoping to find another job soon because things at KWCH are no longer making him feel happier so he’s looking to see if he can work for a non-profit org which makes me happy for him because I’d also want to do the same. If I’m at a job where I’m not excited to be, I’d want to also try to make a switch. He also shared that junior (martin, his little brother) will be moving to Cali in May to move close to paco which wow made me really happy for them all. Anyways, he shared that he is hoping to stay in Wichita for about one more year and then possibly relocating to KC or somewhere in Oklahoma. i did encourage him KC because it seems that KC has much more opportunities than Wichita and Oklahoma. Only thing we both hate is driving in KC lmao

Okay, so overall, I’m still really hurt about how our relationship was and how it ended but I’m very grateful that I’m doing what is best for me to make progress because this is not an overall easy thing to do, move on. I do feel low key embarrassed that I still am not over our break up but I’m very glad that I know that He isn’t my person. we will and I cannot get back together with him even if he stated that he has “changed” Yes i invested so much in him to be my forever partner and it didn’t work out but that’s okay. I’m always willing to invest in people to be the best version of themselves and it really makes me happy to see people thrive. I truly cannot and will not take him back if there was ever a time where he wanted to give us a second try because I need to remember how he treated me. If he really was always thinking it was me, then he shouldn’t have cheated on me, treated me so poorly. I’m okay with us remaining friends, but as partners in life? that isn’t it. I deserve so much better and the man of my dreams will come. I’m 10000000% okay with being single because I know I need to work on myself so that I can be fully ready for my next. I really wish my next relationship is my one and only, but hey we’ll see.

so this is already extremely long but I’m very glad I got this all out of me. I know I have other anxieties such as starting school again, which will be my last semester before I earn my masters (FINALLY), RA training coming back up (so me working is coming back), JOB SEARCH. So much is coming up and AHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I need to get my head into gear.

#personal

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saltywithsarcasm · 5 years

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When I was a freshman, I had a senior neckbeard who was creepy asf- always insisted on walking me home and being very touchy even though I was uncomfortable, followed me around, tried to catfish me while pretending to be my crush online even though I never told him about my crush. He acted like he was better than me bc he was a dude, def the know-it-all type and friends with some of my friends so I couldn’t really avoid him. I know how it can be,, so YEAH I GET UR POSITION. Love you Salty! 💕

I have a whole story about a neckbeard I ran into and now I don’t trust them.

It all started back in 2017 when me, my sister and a couple of our friends went to a convention together, we were all pretty excited and ready to put on our cosplays that we’ve been working all year on.

The first day of the con was great, we were all having a fun time, eating junk from food trucks, staying up late with other cosplayers at panels and we even got to meet an actor from the Anime, Black Butler. It was going pretty well.

The second day was when we met him.

I can’t really remember what cosplay I was wearing at the time but I know this guy was cosplaying a character from the same fandom and he came up to me wanting a photo which I agreed to since that’s what people did at conventions.

After the photo was taken, me and my friend went along our business. I remember going to the artists alley afterwards because I wanted to see if they had any prints that I could hang up on my wall back at home. I remember buying this cute cat-bat plush and a few posters drawn by some local artists, even followed them on their social media so I could be updated what to look forward to next year.

Later that day we all met up and hauled all our junk back to the room, pretty tired from all the activities they had that day and decided to change into comfortable clothes. I got change into my pjs pretty quickly and wanted to go down to the food court to get something to eat so I went ahead down by myself while the others were still changing out of their cosplays.

Since we were in the third floor, I had to take an elevator which took forever to wait on but eventually it came up to my floor and to my dismay, there was a guy by himself inside. Not to be mean, I’m just not a really people-person and was already socially exhausted from being at the con all day but I didn’t want to wait for the elevator again so I got in and hit the floor button.

Instantly after the doors close this guy is asking about the con, if I was having fun, if I dressed up, who was I cosplaying. All the sort of stuff, which was understandable because people have a great time at conventions so I answered him, turns out he was the guy who asked me for a photo earlier that day and we thought it was pretty cool that we bumped into each other again. We chatted for a bit until he arrived at the second floor.

After that I just went to the food court and got something to eat, sister and my friends came down shortly after that and we brought our food back to the room to watch Yuri on Ice for the night.

The guy didn’t cross my mind for the rest of the con, not until it was over and we went home, running into him at our local supermarket. Turns out he lived in our hometown as well, which we thought was pretty cool. Made a new friend who was into the same fandoms we liked, cosplayed and lives in town. Pretty cool, huh?

We started hanging out after, playing dnd and even did stuff like hanging out at the mall. Pretty much everything normal friends did.

It wasn’t until a few months later, he started to get on everyone’s nerves because turns out, he was whiny, wanted everyone to pity him but also wanted all of us to worship the ground he stood on like he was sort of protagonist from an anime.

Even started to telling us who we should cosplay and how we should cosplay for the next con, even told my sister she shouldn’t go as a character she liked because he already planned to.

It was really obnoxious and though we did still hung out, we didn’t as much as we used to.

After that, on one of our barely rare occasions we did hang out with him again, I remember him telling me about his new girlfriend and about her moving in with him soon, me telling him that it was pretty cool and even congratulated them. Then he asks me if I’m seeing anyone, I told him my sexual orientation and yes, I was single but wasn’t really looking for a relationship, even had to tell him before I only liked him as a friend when I noticed he started being overly friendly towards me early on; I was happy being single and didn’t really have any intentions of changing that anytime soon.

I don’t really like repeating myself but I know a few people tend to like to flip these sort of things onto the victims and sympathize with the guys by claiming “you should have just told him you weren’t interested or you were leading him on”.

Oh no, it was nothing like that. I already told him I wasn’t interested in him earlier on, he knew that I didn’t like him like that because I flat out told him.

Later that night I was scrolling through Facebook and came across a post the guy shared, a photo stating “share if you have no problem dating a person with this sexuality” or something like that. I thought this was really strange considering I told him only hours ago and not to mention, he told me that he was moving in with his new girlfriend.

It was a red flag and I remember texting my sister about it shortly after. She replies rather quickly, telling me she felt weird vibes from him too, even mention that he was a little too touchy-feely with her while we played dnd, like trying to put his arm around her or his hand on her thigh. She told me she told him to stop and would swat his hand away.

There was even one time he wanted to get drunk at our house while we played dnd and I kind of felt like it was just an excuse so he could stay a night at our place, we told him no; In which he replies we should get drunk at his place, we told him no again because I wasn’t born yesterday and could see his shady intentions from a mile away.

It only got worse from there, weeks later some of his coworkers started approaching me and my sister when they saw us in public and told us some of the things he was saying about us, things you wouldn’t say about your “friends” and the most creepy part was that they told us that he liked us both and want to date me and my sister as “a set”.

We were repulsed by this, so we didn’t hang out him anymore after that.

I really wish I could say that was the end of it but it wasn’t.

Though we quit hanging out with him, he would keep messaging us wanting to hang out more. I came up with more or less excuses like I was busy with some of my art projects or I’d just tell him I didn’t want to hang out with him.

I didn’t even see him until a few months afterwards when I was hanging with another guy friend, my best friend name, lets call him Keith for now.

Me and Keith had just finished a all horror movie marathon, which pretty much all we ever did when I hung out at his house but we were getting pretty hungry and decided to go get some food at the restaurant nearby.

It was a pretty big restaurant and was a little busy but thankfully there was nobody at the register so we both went up to take our order, me first because Keith was deciding what he wanted to eat.

It wasn’t until after we got our food that I noticed the creepy dude was even there because Keith told me some guy was staring at us awfully hard. It was eerie so we left and went back to his house to eat.

Hours later I get a message on Facebook from the guy, asking about who I was with and basically demanding to know what our relationship was.

I told him it was none of his business but he wouldn’t let it go so I told him Keith was my best friend and left it at that, I didn’t reply anymore because it wasn’t any of his concern who I was with and I just didn’t want to talk to him anymore.

None of us spoke to him much even when we saw him in public and he tried to speak with us; we were all just done with him and he just wouldn’t take the hint.

Few months later the conversation was coming up again, so I spent most of my time working on my cosplay and listening to music and unfortunately when we went to the con, he was there too.

We didn’t let this bother us though, we were all having a fun time like we normally did when we went to these things, people came up to us complimenting our outfits and chatted with us; we all almost forgot he was there.

That is until on night there, me and a friend were just sitting in the bar area in our pjs while everyone else went to either a panel or the rave. We were talking and showing each other what we had bought from artist alley until my friend was glancing behind me and I turn but I didn’t see what she was looking at until I noticed the fucking creep staring down at us from a balcony; we got up and moved out of his line of vision, pretending not to notice him.

At some point, one of our other friends met up with us and we told her about it. It was creepy but still, we didn’t let it ruin our night and we all just decided to go to rave to hang out with the others.

When the music got too loud, me and the friend who was spending time with me at the bar before decided to go back to our room for the night but on our way there, we ran into him. He was wanting to hang out but we told him we were heading in for the night and he tries to follow along, wanting to find out where our room was and wanting to come inside.

We rushed back, ignoring him.

After the con, his girlfriend starts messaging me, telling me she broke up with him and told me some of the most fucked up, creepiest shit he’s said about wanting to do to me, her and my sister.

I was beyond furious, never wanted to hurt someone so badly in my life and it only got worse when she told me about the photos.

Apparently while we were all still friends, he would sneak photos of me while I was leaning down to play with the cat, pictures I hadn’t even known about until she told me. She even showed me them, they weren’t made up, I saw them.

I blew up, messaging him over Facebook messager, screaming at him and calling him out on every creepy bullshit he’s pulled on us for the past year and of course, he has the nerve to deny it all and blame the photos on his ex, claiming she did it for blackmail because they had a bad break up.

I’m not fucking stupid, we hadn’t hung out with him for months and the only time they could have been taken was before this bad break up.

Not going to lie, she was over a few times but the ex was an air head; no way she could have been smart enough to want to plan blackmail ahead before anything went south between them; so I knew the whole “she did it to make me look bad” was bullshit but to play it safe, I cut them both out of my life.

Put them both in a group chat and told them that I was done and couldn’t trust either of them, I blocked them both. Someone did take a picture of me without my knowledge or consent; I felt violated and I’m pretty fucking sure I know which one of them it was.

I don’t talk to either of them anymore but to my inconvenience, I still do see pathetic excuse of a human being time to time.

Hopefully he’s smart enough to keep his distance from me but then again; he wasn’t smart enough to tell the difference between flirting and rejection.

Don’t ever force yourself to spend time with people who make you uncomfortable and to all those who go to cons, please be careful because even if you meet new people and they seem pretty cool, you don’t really know them and they can turn out to be a predator.

This person gave me severe trust issues.

#there’s a lot more that he’s done but I don’t want to talk about it #salty replies #personal life stuff #long post #saltywithsarcasm #tw neckbeard

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newhopegeorgie · 5 years

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reunited I r.b

(hello! i’ve been away on vacation but i’m finally back with another one shot. this one was based on a request from the very kind @wallows-spring. i hope you enjoy it! if it isn’t exactly what you wanted or envisioned then feel free to send in another request with some more details and i’d be happy to rewrite it for you! anyways, hope you all like it, feedback is always appreciated and requests are open if you’d like to send one in <3)

When New Hope Club announced that they were finally doing a show in your home country you were ecstatic. You’d been following the band since the beginning and only been able to see them perform live once. That was a year ago. You’d begged your mom to let you travel to a different country to go see their show and thankfully she decided to let you. Of course, you’d interacted with the boys on social media, they even followed you, but it wasn’t anywhere near the same as seeing them in person, and you really missed them.

But they’d just released some new tour dates and finally, your country was one of them. It took you no time at all to secure your tickets, making sure you were going to the meet and greet as well. You posted a screenshot on Twitter, tagging the boys and expressing your excitement for the show.

A few minutes later your phone dinged. You didn’t really think anything of it until it started blowing up with notifications. Your eyebrows furrowed in confusion and went to see what was going on. Your mentions on Twitter were going insane with your followers and some friends congratulating you. You wondered what it was you did that warranted congratulations, but then you realized. A few minutes ago, Reece had replied to your tweet about your tickets.

@ NewHopeReece: So happy you’re excited love. Can’t wait to see you it’s been so long xx

You’d be lying if you said your heart didn’t jump as you read his tweet. You were surprised by his message, definitely not thinking he’d ever remembered having met you before. The butterflies in your stomach were going crazy and you only felt more excited to meet the boys, despite your show being about two months away.

As the day got closer you posted updates on Twitter, not being able to contain yourself. Every few days you’d send out ‘29 more days!’ or an ‘only 2 weeks left !!’. And every time, without fail, Reece would like your tweet. He almost seemed more excited than you were, not that you were complaining.

Your show was the next day and you felt bits of your excitement turn to nerves. You’re overthinking had taken up most of the space in your brain, meaning to have posted a ‘tomorrow!’ update on Twitter but completely forgetting. A notification on your phone broke through your loud thoughts and you went to see what it was. A new tweet from Reece.

@ NewHopeReece: one more day! @ yourtwitter x

You swore felt your heart stop for a second. Had he been counting down too? You quickly retweeted it and sent it to your friends, being met back with ‘he’s def in love w you’ and ‘you guys are my faves’. You laughed softly at their responses before continuing on with your day. Your mentions were full of other fans saying how cute they thought it was or how they couldn’t wait to see videos of you and Reece meeting. All the kind words made you smile.

That night you couldn’t sleep. You were way too excited to shut your eyes for more than 2 minutes, let alone enough time for you to actually drift off. You’d already spent much of your time procrastinating sleeping. You’d picked out what you were going to wear, practiced your hair and your makeup. Hell you’d even practiced faces to make in your pictures with the boys, you told yourself it was so you didn’t have to worry about not liking your pictures, so you felt less silly about the whole thing. You really didn’t want to be tired though, so you willed your body to sleep despite your racing thoughts trying to keep you up.

•••

The next morning was kind of a blur. You were practically on autopilot as you got ready. All your brain could seem to do was theorize every possible way you could screw this up. You tried not to dwell on it but the thoughts kept nagging you at the back of your mind. You friends had come over not too long ago to get ready with you, as you were all going to the show together. They’d helped put your mind at ease, telling you Reece was probably even more nervous than you, making you chuckle a bit.

“Seriously Y/N, I’m pretty sure you have nothing to worry about,” one of them reassured you.

“Yeah, literally listen to what he just tweeted. ‘@ yourtwitter todays the day x’. Even he’s counting down,” another said with a laugh. Their words made you feel a bit better about the situation and you decided to stop worrying and just let yourself enjoy the night.

After everyone was finished getting ready, you all headed out. The meet and greet didn’t even start for a few hours so you and your friends decided to go get lunch first. You took a picture of your meal, and your friends sitting across the table from you and posted it to Twitter.

@ yourtwitter: concert pregame with these girlies lol

A few minutes later you got a notification. And, yet again, Reece responded to you.

@ NewHopeReece: Didn’t even invite me? I’m hurt @ yourtwitter

You gaped at his message, quickly turning your phone to show your friends what he’d said. “What am I supposed to say?” you asked them. Your friend took your phone from your hands, typing out a response and sending it before handing your phone back to you.

@ yourtwitter: haha i’ll bring you something i promise xx @ NewHopeReece

You laughed at her message, thinking it was funny and that’d be the end of the conversation. But not even a minute later Reece tweeted at you again.

@ NewHopeReece: I’m holding you too that ;) @ yourtwitter

“I was kidding when I put that but now you really have to get him something,” your friend said laughing. You rolled your eyes at her, making a mental note to buy him a cookie on your way out of the cafe.

It was finally time for the meet and greet and you and your friends had just entered the venue. You definitely weren’t the first ones there but you also weren’t too far back in line so you were happy. You felt your excitement rising as you waited, gradually moving closer to the boys. You chatted happily with your group, the cookie you’d bought for Reece held in your hands. The boys were stood in order of George, then Blake, and Reece at the end so you were going to meet him last.

As you got to the front of the line your friends hastily pushed you forward to go first. You approached George with a wide smile on your face. He welcomed you with open arms, saying hello to you. You hugged him tightly and asked him for a picture together. He was incredibly sweet just as you’d expected. The two of you got to talk for about a minute before you were ushered to move on.

When you got to Blake it went about the same as with George. Hugs and pictures and getting to chat for a bit. “Reece is very excited to see you,” he said, handing your phone to you after getting a couple pictures. You let out a giddy laugh, “Seriously?” you asked him. He nodded his head quickly at you. “Hasn’t stopped talking about it. You might wanna go say hi before he shouts at me for taking up all your time.” He said lightheartedly. He gave you one last hug before sending you on your way towards Reece.

His face brightened as he saw you, immediately scooping you up into a tight embrace. “Reunited at last!” he shouted. A few fans that were in line laughed at your little reunion. “It's been so long, I’ve missed you, love!” He let you out of his hug and held your arms, keeping you close as he spoke to you.

“I know, it's been forever!”

“Do you want a picture?” he asked, gesturing to your phone. You nodded and he took it from your grasp, throwing his arm around your waist to take a few photos with you. You thanked him once he was done, shoving your phone into your pocket. “Now if I’m not mistaken, you promised me something earlier.” He said in a teasing tone.

“I did promise you something,” you laughed. You handed him the cookie that you’d gotten for him, “I don’t break promises Bibby,” you said, teasing him back. His face lit up as he took it from you.

“I thought you were joking! Wow, you really are the best,” he said to you, pulling you into his side for another hug. You smiled brightly at him, gladly accepting his warm embrace.

“I’m kind of sad, I don’t want to wait another year to see you again,” you frowned, a half-hearted laugh escaping your lips. Reece placed the cookie on a table not too far from him, frowning at your statement.

“Awe, love I don’t either. I promise we’ll figure something out, I won’t make you wait long.”He looked you in the eyes and for some reason, you trusted that he meant it. One of the event coordinators was trying to move you along, saying you were out of time. Reece hugged you one last time before you had to leave. “The boys and I have a free day tomorrow before we leave, I’ll dm you,” he whispered to you. The coordinator was now rushing you off, getting impatient. You smiled at him, saying goodbye as you left, not before seeing Reece send you a subtle wink.

After the meet and greet you got to enjoy the concert. It was amazing, exceeding all your expectations. It went by far too quickly for your liking and before you knew it, you and your friends were leaving the venue. You all talked a mile a minute, recounting everything that's gone on the past few hours. Your Twitter was flooded yet again and you wondered what's happened.

You opened the app to find countless videos of your interaction with Reece. People were tagging you and him, saying how they shipped you two or thought you guys were adorable. You smiled at the messages, liking and retweeting a few that made you laugh. You wondered to yourself if Reece was actually serious about dming you like he said he would. Of course, you wanted nothing more than to receive a message from him, but then again he was Reece Bibby so you didn’t get your hopes up.

•••

The next day you woke up to the sun shining in your eyes. You smiled to yourself, replaying the previous day over in your mind. You rolled over in bed to go through your phone, much like you did every morning. You’d gone through most of your social media, tapping on the Twitter icon last, opening up the app. You saw a dm notification and furrowed your eyebrows, confused. When you clicked on it you felt your heart jump to your throat, not believing what you had just read.

From @ NewHopeReece: Hey love, it’s Reece. You busy today? x

#reece bibby #reece bibby imagine #reece bibby one shot #reece bibby fluff #blake richardson #george smith #new hope club #new hope club one shot #x reader #reece bibby x reader #request

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captainshazamerica · 3 years

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Yeah it's the same anon 💜 dude my apologies for the amount of crap I've spewed in your ask box but in my defense no one I know gives a shit about batfam or gotham rogues or Alfred (I've gushed here about alfreds fabulousness too opps) anndd I partly blame you for me falling back into the titans trap cuz s1 was meh I forgot I even watched s2 😅 then I seen some titans stuff on your blog and boom my brain latched onto it and now here I am experiencing maternal fear for my son jason 😢you are 1000% right this jason is PERFECTION as robin like actual perfection I dunno why but I thought this robin was like 16? So I was thinkin how tf is 16/17 yo supposed to be redhood!? It work in comics/cartoon but live action 16 y/o redhood seems meh I kinda want the lazarus pit just I freakin want TALIA but I don't think that's gonna happen I dunno

Tbh (this may be biased) but I think the Gotham tv show is literally the best dc comics adaptation of anything ever! it is superior to all thier shows movies animations and the arrowverse at least in my books lol

Tumblr is my only form of 'social media' and I don't keep up with updates or anything about shows cuz I like to pretend the fiction is real and I don't want reality wrecking that for me like hahahaa so I had no clue about timmy or babs but I'm so happy

DUDE YES this is literally the only time I can see bruce ever killing the joker on screen aww please I want it so bad I mean they probably won't but they should cuz this is the only capacity in which batman can kill the joker live action like if down the line somewhere on another show/movie bruce killed joker he prob wouldn't be dead dead or they'd bring him back some way so the kill wouldn't even matter but old bruce killing the joker because he's finally had enough he's old now, jasons death finished him and he's not gonna be batman anymore it's a nice end for batman and the joker, it's the only way we'll ever get this end cuz like you said they'll never have the balls to permanently kill joker any other way in live action everything is aligning perfectly for this to happen so dang dc just freakin let it happen c'mon

Yo whose your first fav rogue? Is it riddler? I feel like mines riddler haven't really thought much about whose my fav gotham rogue but I'd probably say riddler, I prefer the central city rogues but the Gotham rogues are just pure chaos and I'm living for that hahaa

I'd rather superheros/vigilantes/villians in live action not have relationship drama just put them in a relationship or dont like I came for the action and weird super shit not the ordinary relationship drama thankfully titans seem to be doing okay in this aspect I do quite like dickkory a lot but I mean in the supergirl show ughhh I was like I came here for the flying and the dope laser eyes I don't give a shit about her getting a boyfriend like seriously whyyy

My brain decides to jump about obsessing over characters like one week Kory is my wife next week detective grayson is my husband and I AM NIGHTWING then my brain is like no Barbara kean is wifey just basically fictionally I'm married to everyone 😅

Yikes this was so long sorry girl

Omg, pls don't apologize! I get so dang excited whenever i get an ask, yours always make my day, you don't even know! Like same about no one i know caring about dc/batfam! And talking to someone about it is so much better than yelling into the wind here on a text post that no one reads xD Don't stop sending your asks whenever you wanna dump your feels/talk about dc/batfam omg.

And Im so proud I got you into this Titans spiral xD My work here is done hahahaha. But yes, I feel like his looking so young for red hood over shadows how great his jason robin performance was! Love seeing him get that recognition! But yeah, the age is def off, like I cant remember how old they said he was in the show, maybe 16? but too young for red hood in live action form. Like its hard cause in reality 16 year olds and 19 year old boys typically don't look too different, for the most part, while comics you can get get away with it more. Huh, yeah, it doesn't seem like Talia is gonna happen, maybe just maybe a cameo or something? Cause we also weren't expecting joker but here we are(tho it almost looks like he wont be a big plot point/even see him much, it almost looks like it is just showing how brutal gotham is? But like its just the trailer and doesnt always give the full picture so who knows!)

Omg YES about Gotham! I 1000% agree! Im also biased cause its what got me into batman, again like exactly a year ago! It got me into the world like no other media of dc had before!(well, Shazam did, i guess tech thats the start of my interest in dc/first time i read the comics, but gotham is what really got me into this spiral). I hate how much hate it gets, like yeah its not perfect and they took creative liberties obviously, but i 100% agree that its the best adoption of DC yet! 100%! Its so nice to see the characters and rogues fleshed out more. I feel like it successfully did what Nolan tried to do in terms of making it dark and realistic, but in a way that was more accurate and true to the comics! I wish it wasn’t canceled so early and thus the last season had to be so rushed :(

thats smart, i typically dont look for spoilers and stuff anymore but I just got so hyper focused that I had to look at least what the stars were putting out on social media, but yeah, i use to get so caught up in all that that it took the fun out of seeing it live.

Oh my gosh, that would seriously be the PERFECT end to batman and joker story in this universe omg. Amen about all that! And like it would hopefully show Jason how much he cares? So maybe Bruce would kill him after red hood emerges? It will be interesting to see hat causes Jason to be so dang pissed in this version.

ahaha yes riddler is my fav! (my header gave it away didn’t it xD) I love most Riddlers but ESPECIALLY gotham riddler, Ed is like one of my fav character of all time. Oooh, I don’t know central city rogues all that well(well, way more than Metropolis rogues, I know so little about superman world), like I know some from the first 3 and a half seasons of the flash (I watched a couple years ago but got busy with school and couldn’t keep up and just never caught up/didnt have motivation to finish(plus i forgot so much id have to rewatch everything again), but I saw they finally just introduced Bart Allen, so I have have to randomly jump back in for a bit cause Bart is one of my favsss), and the ones in the cartoons and stuff

Ha! true, i dont mind it when its for character development or if I happen to be super into the ship(like Nygmakins in Gotham omg, I know they are super unpopular but they are like one of my OTPs omg), I feel like it has to be balanced right/not too much focus on the drama of the relationship over everything else. Like a minor subplot is good but don’t make it the focus of the show. And yeah , supergirl never appealed to me cause of that reason! i like drama and not JUST action (I like psychological drama, as long as there is comfort to follow xD) but yea i get what u mean by too much relationship focus . I think, for the most part, Gotham did that pretty well.

omg i love the disaster bi vibes you are giving off xD But omg I feel the jumping around thing so much ahaha. Like right now the 4 robins are constantly on rotation on who I’m obsessing over at the moment tbh xD

Omg mine responses are just as long, don’t apologize!!!! <333333333333333

#long post #anon #meredith gets an ask #ask #meredith thoughts #rambling #batman #batfam #gotham #titans #fan theories #speculation #titans speculation #predictions

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lysitheaioandeuropa · 7 years

Text

hey! let’s talk! about me!

I’m gonna bullet list in hopes to keep this concise (UPDATE THIS SHIT IS A LOT LONGER THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE AND I THINK I WILL BE MAKING SEPARATE POSTS), bc i know it definitely isn’t going to be very organized. Before i had my fucking mental breakdown this afternoon, i actually had a lot of thoughts this morning. Some good, some bad, but i felt like i was taking the time to really acknowledge and process some things that.. I don’t get to acknowledge and process often. Or that i just flat out refuse to, or i choose to repress memories, or am still struggling with “wait, did that really happen or am i making it up,” which apparently is a sign of childhood emotional negligence or some shit like that. So basically this will prob end up being a series of extremely personal anecdotal text posts that i have shared with.. Absolutely no one prior to now, for all of my two followers to read (but tbh y’all don’t even have to, i’m mostly keeping this up here for me & prob to have something to share w my therapist, but i won’t stop y’all)

Part I - Oh no, I Caught “The Gay!” Alright, so boom: sexuality. I know i don't shut up about being gay, i know i am entirely way too hype about having a gf and being absolutely fucking smitten with her (AND WOMEN IN GENERAL), but when it feels like i’ve been forced into being silenced about that for sooo fucking long, shit can you blame me? I’ve been pretty open about it as an adult (p much 20 & on or so), it wasn’t like.. This huge secret or anything, but it also wasn’t something i went out of my way to make public. I never officially came out, and unfortunately when people found out it was because this real crazy chick decided to out me out of nowhere and i guess i just figured i had to own up to it, i didn’t really care what people thought of it then. It was weird answering questions, but easier to navigate in my 20s, though more on that later. I did let my partners know if i was dating anyone seriously (as seriously as you can as a teenager anyway), but past that idk, it just never came up. And i sometimes envy the younger kids/adults that like.. Have all these resources and labels available to them now, you know. I feel like its a lot easier to explore who you are and your identity today than it was when i was in middle school, having an extremely hard time sorting out my feelings for my “friends” (read as: i usually thought i just really wanted to be their friend, but also was v aware of how attractive they were to me, but it didn’t seem okay to talk about; whereas, middle schoolers now are a little more open? Have more labels? i have always settled for gay, Bc i did like and develop feelings for guys too but even then knew i liked my friends more). And i mean it was always something i personally was okay with, i wouldn’t deny myself the pleasure of finding girls attractive whatsoever. It’s weird looking at kids now like “oh no, they’re only children!” But i was all of 11 yrs old, first day of sixth grade, when i literally prayed that hands down THE prettiest girl in my 5th period would sit next to me as soon as i saw her walk in and had instant butterflies when she smiled at me and took that empty desk, like holy shit lmao (bruh.. She was 5’1”, puerto rican, and in my head at the time, looked RIGHTTTTT. We were partners in that class for the rest of the year and best friends outside of that class and her voice & her laugh, like bro!!!! Again, confusing and frustrating to have a crush on her, know that, be her friend and hello ofc she’s gorgeous so every boy was always after her too. Navigating feelings was so hard, but then i found a boy to crush on and felt normal again lmao). BUT it just seemed like the normal thing to do was not talk about it or ever bring it up to anyone at all at any point in time which i realize now is.. Yikes lmfao. I think it would have been different if i had someone to navigate that with, i was “mature” enough to figure it out on my own, and know to just keep it to myself, and accept it and not feel like a weirdo or anything, but not always be so eager to act on it. Again the older i’ve gotten, the easier it’s been to tell the story of how my parents thought the neighboring boy and i were so cute together in pre-k & meanwhile i was kissing this one girl during nap time, lmao. So like, i’m okay with that much; i don’t and never have felt guilty about being gay (bi, pan, whatever), even growing up in a church bc it rly was something that just came naturally to me from the jump. Puberty was slightly confusing but not a total shock either.

High school was even more so challenging and confusing? Bro. one of my best friends (and we’re def still friends now) and i were very close and the bitch had absolutely no boundaries whatsoever. Granted she had always been like that, I had been friends with her since the 6th grade as well and had seen her with other girls and boys but never put too much thought into it (you will see that this is my reaction to 90% of shit that happens to me). I’ve posted before and recently about being gay but not wanting to be predatory but getting mixed signals in “regular girl friendships,” and this was fucking textbook, lmao. I never got my hopes up or anything, and i just didn’t consider being with her a real option, but yeah, no, i deadass liked her and i’m sure she knew and didn’t mind the attention either lmao. Call it my first situationship i guess, lmao. We shared a locker so she would leave me notes and gifts, and vice versa, we’d bake for each other, we’d walk to class together, usually have lunch together, so on and so forth; she had no problem holding my hand and hugging me and being affectionate and calling me baby but like.. We weren’t dating. That was a thing. I both welcomed it and brushed it off; i was really comfortable with her physically, but still thinking i should only be dating boys even though they made me extremely uncomfortable and i’d flinch if they got too close (lmao, i have an entire separate section ready for men; cue eyeroll). I mean she kind of lead me on but not rly? I knew not to take it srsly BUT i also knew i’d be down as fuck if she ever changed her mind lmfao. Deadass she’s a 10/10 both then and now and she’d always do this cuuuute thing where she’d wrap her hands around my neck and kiss my nose and bruh i’d melt. Most people were already convinced we were dating *shrug* anyway though, this guy tried to hook up w me but i was like ehhhh so he ended up hooking up w her instead and i started dating my first boyfriend (who was terrible, abusive, and legitimately ruined my life in the short span of 10 months or so but that’s in the men’s section). It’s not like all of that magically stopped either though but i never pressed her for anything more, just entertained her and got butterflies every time she would hit me w that “i’d so love to date you” but her issue was she was comfortable with women but not sexually. I obviously wasn’t trying to sleep w her at 14, but i get it, that's her prerogative & it never got in the way of our actual friendship & i 100% value her as JUST my friend, she’s been rly great to me and has been there for the shittiest of times and has gotten me out of some rough spots. It was what it was lol. And there were other pretty girls after her that i would have considered pursuing but just never went for it. There was this senior girl i had for a class the following year and she also was and still is just jaw-dropping, beautiful, like holy shit. Something about her reminded me of strawberries and just made me feel cozy, you know? She always smelled nice, her hair was strawberry blond wellll past her waist, and she had to have been dumb to not notice me checking her out 25/8. Anyway though, i’m not trying to talk about every single girl i’ve had a crush on; the point is, i have always been firm on my sexuality you know, i never felt like i had a “questioning” phase and it just felt normal (and it has been annoying to have people question just bc i wasn’t “out” long enough to them? Or bc i’m straight passing as far as being fem + dating shitty guys goes). The only weird part was just never pursuing or never having the means to, obviously every girl is 500% straight in high school, or they sure were back then at least. I knew all of like two or three openly out girls and while i was not interested in none of them, i did envy the confidence they had not in just “hey i’m GAY,” but one of them was notorious for just pursuing any girl she was interested in and having it work in her favor? Even the “straight” ones? In my head i could only think like bro how the fuck? Anyway, proceed w checking chicks out on the sly and dating shitty guys (#bars)

So of course, college came around right, and thankfully i knew myself well enough at this point to know that my relationship with women was completely different from my relationship with men. How we interacted, how they made me feel, etc. i moved out at 17, had my own apartment, all that jazz. I had a serious boyfriend but we did do the “open relationship” thing for a bit and lo and behold, available women were everywhere. And we’d chat, flirt, and i knew the physical attraction was there (and, you know, i’m not going to get graphic or anything but confirmed i enjoyed that aspect as well) but not rly much else. So again, never put much thought into it, i was open to being with women romantically but it just never came up and finding straight guys to date after that boyfriend and i broke up was just easier. At this point, i took a “cross that bridge when i get to it” when it came to “officially” being out; it seemed pointless to make this huge deal when i was still just dating dudes, or not dating anyone at all. Not too long thereafter though, one of my close friends (i only have a couple) called me freaking out, it was adorable, lmao. So this girl confessed her love to her and she was confused about what she should do lmao (my gaydar went off THE SECOND I first met my friend and i mentioned it in passing but she always brushed it off). The whole “do what feels right” line is tired but that was the only advice i can give her really. Putting a little more thought into the situation this time and wishing i had someone i could call when i was freaking out over a girl i told her like “you know, there’s nothing wrong if you’re gay. I’m gay, i turned out just fine.” long story short, if you ask her she will always credit me for helping her come to terms with that, but she was also the first person outside of a boyfriend that i said that out loud to and.. It was nice. We kinda helped each other through that and it was nice to have that one gay friend finally lmao. But let’s just fast forward to maybe a year after that, i’d talk to girls here and there nothing serious, when the same crazy girl that liked my friend wants to talk to me (i told y’all the lesbian/local community dumb small) my friend didn’t care and i wasn’t trying to date her seriously, i was in town for the holidays and figured it’d be fun, whatever. So i was going to LIC w A HUGEEE group of my friends. Like. a significant amount, that i had only seen a couple times since high school, and that i obviously did not share my personal business with. This girl knew i wasn’t out, i told her not to be acting crazy either smh. So i knew the girl in passing but not like officially and we did most of our talking online/texting (bc thats how lesbians meet lmao). Keeping that in mind, this is the first time i’m actually meeting this girl not irl but def f2f y’know.. And this is the third time that i’m saying she’s crazy. We find a place to meet at LIC between sets and i told my friends i was waiting for another friend of mine thinking that would be the end of that. Now the whole “lesbians are crazy and move way too fast” trope was a thing w this one bc as soon as she spotted me she ran to me and just kissed me, i swear it was straight out of The Notebook, bro and i turned around and my group of MAYBE 10 friends that caught that were literally staring, wide-eyed, jaws dropped. And i just brushed it off and said k, i’m ready to go, and the questions from there on after just would not stopppppp. It was partially embarrassing bc i am not a spotlight ass bitch whatsoever, but most people that saw us together strangers and whatnot thought we were a “cute couple” and we were complimented most of the night. But every time she’d hug me or kiss me or anything, my friends would be ready behind her back in group of three trying to mouth over me like “girlfriend???? Dating?????” and no she wasn’t my girlfriend but the way she was all over me i had to claim her as such at that point to make my life easier lmao. And i can laugh it off now because no, it rly wasn’t that big a deal to me then but it does kind of suck that it ended up not being my own choice y’know. I had fun with her, the night ended well, she left w me and slept over (nothing happened [that time] but it was still nice nonetheless lol). New years eve was the next couple days and we made plans together and again, we weren’t official or like REALLY talking and it was a (different) group of us going to this house party. I didn’t think she’d do the same thing like, bro without asking or anything, imagine if i was a person that did seriously mind?? Anyway, she got drunk and was the life of the party, she has quite the presence, and by the time it was midnight she straddling my lap making out with me and thats how i came out to everyone else i knew and whoever wasn’t at any of those two events sure did receive texts and pics of my date and i. It was embarrassing initially cause this girl!! Why the fuck did she do that!! Lmao, explaining myself to my closest friends was odd bc they were offended i didn’t tell them sooner and i’m just like.. It never came up at all you know. With that said, i have waited to see if i would ever seriously date a woman bc i knew i wanted to but the opportunity never presented itself until recently, and that’s why ya’ll see me out here screaming on rooftops about how gay i am bc i finally get to do that, on my own terms, and bc i love someone soooo so so dearly.

#okay so this part isn't complete but its late and i didn't wanna back out on posting it #fair warning if you decide you want to read this irs super long #rly personal (nothing graphic or anything - just personal)#and it's stuff i have never said out loud or to anyone.. ever p much #maybe mentioned in passing but thats about it #this part is the nicest part to write about bc.. the others i have planned are rly ugly #but they'll also be posted soon enough #personal #?#me #idk i feel like this should have another tag #writings

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punkscowardschampions · 5 years

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Nancy & Rio

Nancy: Not to be weird, because I obviously don't mind if so, but are you wearing my clothes in your latest insta pics or have I lost my mind? Rio: Oh my God, sorry! Shoulda said before putting that up Rio: casual single white female situation Rio: I was in London and I had to stop by yours to avoid a real walk of shame... whole 'nother story, assumed it'd be alright 'cos you know, you weren't using 'em? Shipped back fully dry cleaned, swear down Rio: Not to drop him in it but shamelessly will, Buster said it'd probably be alright too lol Nancy: Well we have the brunette and redhead thing going on, already. Just don't murder me like Nancy: It's more than okay. They look great on you and they are just sitting there Nancy: Keep them if you want Nancy: I'd rather you than one of Buster's 'guests' Nancy: Did you talk to him? Rio: Last time I check, no feelings of murderous jealousy towards you Rio: Even if you do have a killer clothes collection Rio: You're too sweet! I'm nowhere near statuesque enough to rock it for serious but it was fun playing dressup, not gonna lie Rio: A little bit, yeah, as much as you can with him Rio: Has he reached out to you yet? Nancy: We should go shopping then. I'm not flooded with other offers or compliments right now Nancy: He did try but I didn't answer the call. I didn't know what to say, you know Nancy: Do I want to know what he said about me, if anything? Rio: Absolutely, always up for a style update Rio: and I promise to stay away for the red box dye Rio: Rihanna 2010 I ain't Rio: That's fair, I remember he mentioned that too Rio: He said a lot of things, some of 'em stupid which don't bear repeating but I could tell he was worried about you, checking you were okay, like Nancy: Oh god Nancy: I should've answered I just couldn't Nancy: I've already broken my own heart there's no handling if he decided to do it for me too Nancy: It was like I already hear what he was going to say Rio: No one is judgding you for not Rio: He's been guility of being unavailable for less Rio: You're more than entitled to take your time with this Rio: Let him cool down too, I put him right where I could but Rio: He's stubborn Nancy: And he thinks I'm as cringey as everyone at school does, right? Nancy: I knew it Nancy: I can't blame him really Rio: But that's nothing you don't know, you feel the embarrassment, I don't get why people think they're being clever pointing out as if its not your first hand experience Rio: He asked if you were coming back Rio: which he clearly wants, even if he's not gonna outright say that Nancy: I thought he might be on my side since he always goes after what he wants Nancy: Maybe he is though, if he does want me home Rio: Yeah, there's definitely hypocrisy otherwise Rio: I'm not gonna commit him to either side from a conversation relayed but I don't think talking to him soon will make it any worse Rio: Hoping he said all the dumb shit he needed to me instead, like Nancy: Was he such a prick to you? I'm sorry Nancy: I can't go back until those girls are far away at uni Nancy: Do you think we could convince him to come here? Team effort to get a visit? Rio: Not all bad Rio: and nothing I can't handle Rio: Yeah, reckon I might've met some of them last night Rio: and I feel you Rio: Worth a shot, I threw it out there that maybe if he came it'd make your 'rents coming less of a shitshow Rio: try and hold him to it Nancy: The ringleader is Chloe, with an accent over the e. You'd remember her if you did Nancy: It wouldn't surprise me if she was still hanging around him and his friends, she always did fancy him Nancy: Okay. I'll try Rio: Oh my God, her?! Rio: If she gave me daggers any harder I woulda been bleeding Rio: Such an unlikely candidate, no offence Chlo hun but total Rio: always the girls with the least going for them, honestly Nancy: That's her specialty Nancy: What's it say about me that I used to think we were actually friends once Rio: She looks like she can play nice when she wants to Rio: with your Brother, like you said Rio: Ugh Nancy: Yeah. She didn't want to play nice after I came out but she did a convincing enough job before Rio: Bet she thought you were in love with her and everything? Rio: What a cliche mean girl Nancy: Oh she went one better and told everyone I made a move of her, which even I wouldn't Rio: Oh, don't flatter yourself Rio: What a cow! Yeah, she's not changed at all then, obviously I avoided her best I could but she was way too happy about my drama Nancy: Like I know what I did with Sian was bad but Nancy: Please, I do have some standards Nancy: What happened with you? I didn't even ask. What a cow I am Rio: Yeah, she's not a catch, whatever way you're swinging, sorry to be a bitch but you were first gurl and that's always gonna be a turn-off Rio: Oh nah, nothing major, well, it was very dramatic but over it whilst it was happening so I'm not bothered Rio: Curtis went with me and then decided to get all huffy and try and make me leave early 'cos I was 'dancing too sexy' or whatever Rio: when I wouldn't he literally left me there, considering he drove us over, he had the hotel key Rio: Cue mad rush trying to find a place to crash and a way back Rio: Safe to say he's chucked Nancy: Oh my god! There's no words for how out of order that is. What an utter prick! Nancy: Buster better have offered you my bed Nancy: I'll kill him if he never Rio: Oh yeah, he did Rio: Offered to pay the way back but I thought that was too far Rio: Between taking your bed and clothes, like, need to at least try and sort half of it myself, like! Nancy: At least he's not a total prick himself ALL the time Nancy: Remembering some of how he was raised now Nancy: Are you in London rn still? Rio: Yeah, I'd say we can give him that Rio: Will go to his head but what you gonna do Rio: I am Rio: Toying with staying for a bit but I'll defs get in more shit for doing that for going with Curtis in the first place so Rio: Should probs get the soonest flight back now Nancy: My bed and wardrobe are yours if you are staying Nancy: Did you see my mum and dad? Nancy: While we're mentioning being in lots of shit, like Rio: I appreciate it, Nance Rio: I did my best to avoid then, and succeeded, thankfully, not really the vibe I'm looking to give out to the olders like Rio: Buster didn't seem keen to talk to them either, so they may very well be on the warpath towards Dubo and you...Soz to confirm Nancy: Care to teach me some of your ways before they end my life? I'd REALLY appreciate it tbh Nancy: Fantastic. That sounds accurate Rio: Umm, get them drunk and they'll be sleeping as you sneak about like Anne Frank? Rio: ORRRRR, whilst they're mid-air, come back to London, ha Nancy: Get mum REALLY angry Nancy: Nice subtle nod to my gayness with the Anne Frank ref though Nancy: And you're definitely onto something with getting dad a drink Rio: Say you're coming to rescue me, I can be FAR more dramatic about this breakup than I'm really feeling Rio: edge of fucking tower bridge like Rio: of course, all bisexuals are upheld in the highest esteem in my household Rio: especially brave little jewish girls Nancy: Good plan, if I can be this dramatic about a non-break up then we can make this believable I'm sure Nancy: Take the heroics from my brother too, always great Nancy: I see the bed and clothes gesture and I raise you Rio: Everyone loves a bit of sibling rivalry put to use Rio: get us both off the hook in one fell swoop Rio: Only flaw in the plan is Chloe with the accent Rio: Going to have to work on that so she's outta the way by the time you get here Nancy: I'd suggest taking her to the bridge and pushing her off but I don't need to go to prison Rio: If you thought the gay jokes were bad now Nancy: Exactly Nancy: And nobody needs a rebound that badly, least of all me Rio: They say some people go to Prison for the roof over their head and three meals a day Rio: wonder if anyone has ever gone in purely for the pussay Nancy: As a vegetarian I feel I'd have to Nancy: If only casual sex was my thing. Wouldn't have got here Rio: Yeah, it ain't for everyone Rio: at least you didn't get to fuck her, THEN catch feelings Rio: that'd be even shittier like and what happens to so many girls in our year when they do the 'casual' thing Rio: no wonder they're being salty little bitches about it Nancy: But that way it wouldn't have been all in my head Nancy: Maybe they have a point, I don't know Rio: It wouldn't make this bit any easier Rio: the actual heartbreak shit Rio: the people being cunts, less so Rio: but they'll find any reason, someone else will be the target next week, like Nancy: I know you're right Nancy: And I don't want her life ruined so Rio: Yeah, but you gotta think about you and your life too Rio: She's fine Nancy: Don't rub it in, please Nancy: I feel like my life's over Rio: I know sweets Rio: but it ain't Rio: you'll just keep going Nancy: I know I will, but I don't want to. Like I know she couldn't love me but I still want her too Nancy: It hurts Rio: Its going to Rio: for a while yet Rio: revel in it Rio: how unfair it feels Rio: 'cos its not a sexuality thing, if you were straight or she was gay or whatever the fuck, when you feel like you love someone and they just don't back Rio: that's gonna hurt regardless of the how you got there Rio: its not just because she was a teacher, everyone's been there, like Rio: Promise Nancy: I wish everyone saw this how you do Nancy: You're the best Nancy: June too but he doesn't get this bit yet Nancy: Though he can appreciate the wonders this will do for my art Rio: Gotta suffer, might as well get paid for it Rio: or A's Rio: at the very least Rio: I don't know, Junior is so guarded, I wonder if he ever will, not that I wish that bit on him but you've gotta go through it so its better to get it over with really Nancy: Especially because my Irish grades are gonna take a dive Nancy: I think he will Nancy: He just needs the right one to fall for Nancy: I appreciate how that sounds coming from me rn but Rio: Oh the awkwardness of that first lesson back is gonna be Rio: I'll deffo come Home by then Rio: I hope so, I know he's not happy hiding who he is, so I don't think he's content being alone forever, like, either Nancy: Oh god please do. I'll need all the help I can get Nancy: He won't be. He's a catch. I keep telling him Rio: Pretty sure push it any harder and I'm being dragged back by my hair lmao Rio: Totally, he just needs to get a lil confidence Rio: Not a complete personality change but just enough to give him that push Nancy: We're working on it Rio: Yay! Shame we can't be real speedy about it, get him getting a man to distract all the attention from you like Nancy: That's okay I wouldn't wish it on him Nancy: I can handle it. Sort of Rio: Yeah you can Rio: You've got this Nancy: So our brother keeps saying. But he makes it we because he's everything Nancy: *your Rio: Y'all are cuties Nancy: If you could use your influence on my brother to make him bearable I'll be your best friend Rio: I definitely cannot make promises there Rio: He goes out of his way to be un Rio: but he's alright really, I think lol Nancy: I'll have to take your word on that Nancy: Until I talk to him myself Rio: Let me know how it all works out like Nancy: Definitely

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busstophustle-blog · 6 years

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Favorites: Songs & Albums of 2017

FAVORITE SONGS

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Jorja Smith and Preditah – On My Mind

It should be somewhat established that I love UK garage and tend to celebrate any quality tune that carries the style’s polyrhythms, driving tempo and yearning R&B vocal sensibility. Great garage tunes have an anthemic quality to them, and “On My Mind” is no different. When Jorja hits the chorus, this song just jumps to a higher gear: “I finally found what went wrong,” she belts, leaving listeners longing for closure until she finishes the thought with a bittersweet tang: “I finally found the wrong in you.” It’s a break-up anthem that urges you to move to the beat of independence and dance away the pain.

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Big K.R.I.T. – Get Away

I was hooked from the hook: “I gotta get away from that bullshit that they on.” Maybe this song resonated with me instantly because I operate best when I have a chip on my shoulder, and it seems that KRIT does too.

Up until 4eva is a Mighty Long Time, I found it hard trying to make a case for KRIT as one of the greats of this era because I struggled to point to a project that shined from start to finish. Thankfully, with his latest album, he’s cemented the best work yet to justify why he deserves far more recognition alongside contemporaries like Kendrick Lamar and J. Cole for what he’s accomplished over the years.

KRIT approaches hip-hop with a soulful touch often missing from today’s sonic landscape. In the case of “Get Away,” KRIT builds around Bettye Crutcher’s “Sleepy People,” building a mood around her lyric “we’re forced to ride around on a merry go round.” Just like with “Country Shit” or “Sookie Now” before it, “Get Away” immediately drops you into his booming thinking man’s music. This is KRIT’s victory lap at the end of a stellar disc one, placing material braggadocio alongside spiritual closeness – verse two boasts “pull up, woofers still quaking, let it be known that I made it” along with “Boobie Miles under lights hater, this God given.”

This is the other song that never feels like it’s long enough. There have been a few times this year where I’ve ridden home listening to this song on repeat all the way to the gate. For me, there’s something undeniably touching in this song.

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Reva DeVito – After Tonight (B. Bravo Rework)

Hands down, this is the song on this list most likely to get me on the dance floor. This re-work is actually a remix of sorts from B. Bravo, the other half of DeVito’s group Umii, which updates “Rose Gold” from her The Move EP by swapping bright keys in place of a heavy break beat. Reva’s output can often work from a place of soft, lightly illuminated seduction; however, B. Bravo’s re-work adds a breezy quality that made this a summer tune I continued to revisit through the warmer months of 2017.

It has all the things I love about Reva DeVito: a singalong quality to the melodies, a laid-back delivery with stacked harmonies, a joyful instrumental. She’s not the type of artist that blows you away on first listen, but there’s a je ne said quoi that makes her songs worth repeat listens.

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Goldlink – Crew (feat. Brent Faiyaz & Shy Glizzy)

It’s the mood. Goldlink has a distinctive delivery ever since he first hit the scene rapping over house beats and I gained recognition of his name by way of Soulection. Everything comes together on this song. Think of how well this beat pairs three completely different lyrical approaches – Brent Faiyaz’s star-making hook, Goldlink’s signature freneticism tailored to seductive double-time sultriness, and Shy Glizzy’s gangster closing, complete with “ain’t nothing wrong with fake asses.”

“Don’t act like I’m your man, you just a fan,” counters Faiyaz in a compellingly effective, completely dismissive tone. Every time I watch this clip, I wish I were as cool as those two.

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Mahalia – Sober

I ran across this song thanks to a Berlin-based YouTube music channel COLORS. Part live performance and part fashion show, each clip typically presents a musician or band performing in front of a colored green screen, often providing a hue complementing their stylish wardrobe.

In Mahalia’s case, her performance of “Sober” paired her red head-to-toe – bandana, one-piece romper with pleated pants, puffer jacket, Puma suedes – with a soft blue background.

“What ever happened to the time that we spent sober?” she asks before jumping into the second chorus. An extended take on the reasons love came to an end, Mahalia delivers a clearly enunciated performance that perfectly sits in the pocket of the beat.

Demi Lovato – Sorry Not Sorry

I’ll come clean – I was a Demi Lovato hater before this song. But my roommates can also tell you that I made them sit through the entirety of her YouTube documentary when I was under the spell of this song.

For a singer worth as much potential money to management and labels as Demi Lovato, there’s no fucking way “Sorry Not Sorry” was some midnight miracle, an instance of catching lightning in a bottle. I’d bet this was written by committee, demoed by a highly competent vocalist then methodically taught to Demi. But even with those mechanisms in mind, I still can appreciate a really well crafted song from time to time. Plus I’m always a sucker for gospel keys, which is probably why Logic’s “Black Spiderman” floored me too.

Jessie Ware – Midnight (Goldie Epic Remix)

Let me start by saying I love the original version of “Midnight.” I’d say it’s arguably the best written pop single Jessie Ware has ever released. Yes, “Say You Love Me” is best known, but I’ve always felt that was a song that was chasing a hit more than something that truly captured Ware’s artistic sensibility.

With that point in mind, here’s why I prefer Goldie’s glorious remix: “Midnight” plays by pop convention then finishes; Goldie’s remix builds and builds and builds, elevating Ware’s chorus to something more driving and immediate.

Electronic music doesn’t tend to make tracks that are seven and a half minutes long any more, yet Goldie created a song deserving of every second of its run time. He revisits his original theme for five minutes before turning the song on its head and taking a dark turn. Listening to her talk about the remix with Mista Jam, she mentioned the collaboration like it was a dream come true.

“I basically wanted to be a dance vocalist – that’s how I started,” she shares. “My husband and I fell in love over jungle, so why not get Goldie to make you feel like you’re on a jungle track, and feel like Jenna G? Why not?”

David Dallas – R U (feat. Lukan Raisey, KidSeb, and Trey Bond)

I’m a lifetime David Dallas fan. I crossed over after listening to his Rose Tint album a few too many times, and have eagerly anticipated subsequent releases ever since. He remains one of my favorite rappers, because he’s clearly a student of the game and has no problem putting his life on wax rather than chasing lyrical trends.

Hood Country Club, his first album in four years, is darker and more politically charged than his previous output, but “R U” is a posse cut of sorts that slows things down. Posing a basic question -- are you down? -- Dallas and his guests revisit a topic known well in hip-hop thanks to anthems like 50 Cent’s “21 Questions” -- will fans and family still ride with them through thick and thin?

Unlike some of his contemporaries, David Dallas has never struggled to seem genuine when getting introspective -- how many other rappers could pull off a musical accomplishment as tender as “Spend a Lifetime”?

DKVPZ – Bonde de Neo Soul

DKVPZ’s Soulection White Label EP is one of the strongest in the LA collective’s freEP series, which now covers over 20 sets.

The playful plinks of keys serve as stabilizers, maintaining harmonic focus against the incessant momentum of the track’s drums. Sango’s distinct production output helped introduce me to baile funk’s sound. This duo comes straight from Brazil, showcasing just how universal the “sound of tomorrow” has come to be.

Joyce Wrice – Good Morning (Swarvy Redeux)

I think it’s those lazy keys that do it for me. They float from one chord to the next, yet they never get too out of pace thanks to the simple, grounded bassline.

The original version plays directly into that throwback nostalgia younger millennials are eating up right now. The Swarvy Redeux helps strip things back a bit, which brings forth the lyrics more.

A friend of mine says I have an alter ego, who I’ve named baeisha. Baeisha likes music like this, those R&B tales of longing. I guess it fits a part of my persona. I love that idea of being swept off my feet.

FAVORITE ALBUMS

Big K.R.I.T. – 4eva is a Mighty Long Time

This one was a long time coming from Meridian, Mississippi’s young Krizzle.

To get you caught up: Big KRIT first made waves in 2011 with his acclaimed mixtape KRIT Wuz Here. Ever since, critics and fans alike have claimed he’s this generation’s torchbearer for the countrified, Third Coast sound of southern rap often best personified by the output of Outkast and UGK. Following a series of acclaimed mixtapes, he was signed to Def Jam, releasing Live from the Underground (2012) and Cadillactica (2014). Both albums received some critical praise, but the numbers never quite followed. It seemed KRIT was destined to be an also-ran, a major label cautionary tale. He left Def Jam mid 2016, and 4eva is a Mighty Long Time is his first full-length since that departure.

It’s a gargantuan return, and the most consistent release of his career thus far. 4eva’s 22 songs can seem like a lot to take in, but thankfully he’s split his material across two 11 song sets, labeled “Big KRIT” and “Justin Scott.” Side one is that candy paint riding music, full of charisma and trunk-rattling beats. Disc 2 is intended to drop the KRIT artifice, and features some incredibly vulnerable bars.

Still hungry. Still striving. Still Krizzle. My favorite album of the year.

Jaimie Branch – Fly or Die

“I’ve never been very good at playing what I’m supposed to play. I’ve never been very good at doing what I’m supposed ot do or saying what I’m supposed to say. I can only do what I’feel at that moment”

Thanks to JazzTimes for this one. Their profile mentioned a new free jazz trumpeter making waves out in Brooklyn, and as I read on I came across a photo of a trumpeter on the bandstand rocking a cocked fitted and a White Sox jersey. From there, I found Fly or Die’s EPK on YouTube. I’d ordered the album on vinyl before bed that night.

Fly or Die does mark Branch’s recorded debut as a leader, but that fact can be a bit of a misnomer. She’s been gigging for a decade, and recently moved from her native Chicago out to New York. Despite her new scenery, this album is Chicago through and through, featuring players she met in the city’s avant jazz scene. Her quartet shakes up traditional instrumentation, with her group calling for trumpet, cello, bass and drums. Special appearances include a guitarist and two cornet players.

There’s a raw feeling to this album that had me listening on repeat for close to a week. Maybe it’s the fact that jazz carries this academic sheen nowadays, but I’ve never been much of a fan of how clean much of today’s jazz sounds. Yes – great engineers and recording techniques will want a clean, separated experience – it showcases the depth of compassion for the material – luscious recordings show mastery of the craft and techniques to capture it – yadda yadda. For instance, the drums on here carry a rugged quality I wish I heard more often on jazz recordings.

I’ve been drawn not only to the musicianship of jazz but the brazen attitude inherent in its practice. There’s something quite bold about studying a tradition for years to throw that all away and create in the moment. I was reminded of jazz being a transgressive act as I listened through to Fly or Die, and it made me hope this record was a signal of things to come for the scene.

Nicole Atkins – Goodnight Rhonda Lee

Like Lila Downes’ Make America America Again before it, I was drawn to this album because I spend way too much time on the Allmusic site. This cover caught my attention when it was highlighted as editor’s pick, so I took a listen and was intrigued enough to tab the album for a few months until I finally picked it up on CD.

Nicole Atkins’ voice has a vocal power that often lies dormant, but in songs like “Listen Up” and “Sleepwalking,” that force pops out with surprising emotion. I’d say her voice at times is akin to Carole King, and this album certainly honors the warm AM radio / singer-songwriter tunes that dominated the 70s.

Mac Ayres – Drive Slow

Have you ever been absolutely entranced by an album, found something you can’t quite explain but it kept you hitting replay when you got to the end of the album because it just felt too soon to say goodbye? Maybe it was me feeling a need to get away from the Bay for a bit, and relishing the chance to be trapped on a bus with strangers in close proximity, that made me so open to something new. Maybe it was how easily digestible this whole project is, blue-eyed soul melded with that Dilla-esque woozy boom bap.

When I stopped into the Last Bookstore in LA, I was at a loss for what to pick up until I took a look at the staff picks on my way out, and saw a book with a cover that was drawn to look like a mixtape. It was Stuff I’ve Been Feeling Lately, a poetry book by Alicia Cook. I read the dedication, which was for anyone who’s ever loved someone struggling with addiction, closed the book, and headed for the counter. I’d found what I was looking for.

As we headed back up I-5 on the Megabus, I bought an overpriced pen at a truck stop along with some unhealthy snacks I so adore on road trips. With my chore coat on, I had space for everything in those numerous, deep pockets – beef jerky, soda, chips, sour candy, pen, notebook, MP3 player, poetry book. I’d read some, then write a bit, then read more.

Something about Cook’s words and Ayres’ songs touched me in a way I’ll never forget. She sparked the inspiration to tell of it all – to speak on the pain, the indecision, the awkwardness, the great joy and inspiration, and the subsequent loneliness of what it meant to be me at that moment in time. Drive Slow provided a warm pool to float in those thoughts void of judgment. I played the album sequentially, then shuffled it, repeating the process until we got back to the Bay.

I guess in that sense, this pick has more to do with what this album meant to me this year than the supposed “merits” of its songcraft, etc. But I’ve been over that line of thinking. Often, our taste defies logic -- as it should -- and that’s precisely why music is so beautiful.

Yussef Kamaal – Black Focus

I really enjoy what’s been happening with jazz overseas, particularly the brand of jazz that’s often co-signed by Jazz Re:freshed and EZH Magazine (formerly Jazz Standard). Out of that new crop flew Yussef Kamaal, who, after only one album, may already be done, at least in their original formation.

Like with Fly or Die, Black Focus sported a jazz outline but felt like a fresh take on an idiom that sometimes loves to idolize its greats a bit too much. Jazz isn’t a time capsule, though some fans treat it like nothing that existed past the inception of jazz fusion is worth any merit; it’s an ever-evolving art form that often incorporates elements of other musical traditions into its framework to play with a different set of building blocks. The interplay of these two is seamless, which is one way jazz can really shine. It’s a pleasure to hear musicians locked in, whether it’s live or on record.

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