#I think it would have been much better to just start in the present and then flashback to that scene at some other point.
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[ENG translation] Jure Maček, Joker Out's drummer: "I don't have time for dating"
An article and interview with Jure Maček, published in Suzy magazine on 1.3.2024.
Original article is available here for Slovenske novice subscribers. Article written by Anita Krizmanić for Suzy magazine. English translation by a member of JokerOutSubs, proofread by IG GBoleyn123.
Music has accompanied the 27-year-old from Logatec since early childhood. He fell in love with it because of his father and grandfather, who were excellent musicians themselves. Besides them, he also had a number of other great teachers who introduced him to various genres, he played in the symphony orchestra and several bands, and just over three years ago, he finally found what he had been looking for – Joker Out, the band that became his new family. A pleasant and open conversation partner, who believed in his dreams and is living them today, gave us an honest interview about what his journey was like before he and his band embarked on the incredible odyssey that started last year before Eurovision.
Tours are tiring, but also incredibly exciting. // "They wouldn't let me play the drums in music school, because they weren't on the curriculum, so I decided that I would learn how to play them on my own."
"Each of us dreamed about one day finding ourselves where we are now. We're aware that many people don't have that chance. We miss home, we haven't been there very often in the past year, which we've already got used to. To each other, as well. We support each other and we know how to coexist. We're doing just fine, but there are moments when you have to grin and bear it. There aren't many of those, though, because we're mostly having a good time and we enjoy making music," a smiling Jure tells us from London, where the boys have been temporarily living and creating since the beginning of the year.
During our chat, he walks around the city and tells us that life with Bojan, Kris, Nace and Jan is very simple. "Because we're great friends, even though we could all use a moment of solitude now and then. Especially now that we're living in a small London apartment. But we know each other so well that we know what each of us is like, when and why he's in a bad mood, what he needs, and how to fix a certain situation. We're a nice and happy family," he smiles, and adds that they all know how to take a step back, but at the same time, they're firm when they want to emphasise their idea or opinion.
"Sometimes it's better if someone says what they're thinking out loud, presents their idea, and if we collectively latch onto something, we can get great results. It's the same with music," he continues.
LIVING HIS DREAMS AT PEACE
The fruits of their hard and dedicated labour over the past few weeks can already be seen, some are yet to materialise. The band recently sent 'Everybody's Waiting' out into the world, a song that centres the personal thoughts and contemplations that accompany many young people.
"When we make music, we try not to think about other worlds and the audience. When a song is being made, each of us has to feel it and add a small part of what makes him happy to it. When we get to the point where all of us are happy with our work, we know that we created something good, and that's also when people can feel it or find themselves in it," he says.
Joker Out, with their magic and meaningfulness, always take us into worlds where everyone is safe and understood, even when they think they're not. He agrees that a loving attitude towards yourself and others is key in the chaotic world that surrounds us.
"I am at peace with the people around me. I appreciate them very much and they make me even more happy to be in this world." He is grateful for fulfilling his dreams, which he never let anyone take from him as a young musician. "I currently make a living only from music, so I am living my dreams," he smiles.
After working on the album, the boys are leaving for the European tour.
DRUMMERS LIKE CONTROL
As a drummer, he keeps in the background, but that doesn't mean he lives in the band's shadow. "We're special people. We're happiest if things are under control. Just the fact that we sit all the way in the back says enough. You can see everything from there," he says, and adds that drummers are pretty technical types who are more reserved than the other band members. "We like the space we create for ourselves around the drums. That is our world and we really enjoy it. We're pretty nuts," he jokes.
We also chat about the band's fans, who are a unique phenomenon, as they know all the lyrics. "It's a crazy feeling when people abroad sing songs in Slovenian." Otherwise, he never craved attention and he's pretty introverted. "Out of everyone in the band, I'm the least enthusiastic about hanging out after gigs, not because I don't like the fans, but because I like my peace. I need time for myself after performances, which the fans very much respect and understand. After each gig, we take time to meet people, even if not all of us are there."
Despite looking thousands of girls in the eyes at gigs, his heart is currently not taken. "There's no time for dating. There was none last year, and none this year yet either," he laughs.
STEALING HIS MUM'S POTS
During our conversation, we also touch on his upbringing, and he tells me that he fell in love with music as a child, since his father Mitja and grandfather Cveto were also musicians. "I remember dancing around the living room with grandpa on Sundays, and moments when I stole my mum's pots from the kitchen, took them to the living room and banged on them with full force. All of that moved something inside me, leading me to being a musician today," he's convinced.
Another key moment happened when his father, who was also a drummer, took him to the concert of the guitarist and frontman of Dire Straits, Mark Knopfler, in Tivoli Hall as a boy. "That was probably where it first became clear to me that I really wanted this," he says. His parents enrolled him in the music school in Logatec where he studied percussion instruments for eight years, he played in a brass band and a symphony orchestra, he was a member of various bands in elementary school.
"They wouldn't let me play the drums in music school, because they weren't on the curriculum, so I decided that I would learn how to play them on my own. After that, I had a more and more successful band each year, it escalated until I joined Joker Out," he remembers his younger years, when he was getting to know various genres and enjoying his calling more and more each year.
"We drummers are special people," says Jure.
FALLING IN LOVE WITH FILMING BECAUSE OF HIS DAD
Music, however, wasn't the only thing he spent years getting to know. In high school, thanks in part to his uncle and his dad, who often took him to the field with him as a cameraman, he worked as a correspondent cameraman and editor for RTV Slovenia (Slovenian national television). "When they were looking for a cameraman at RTV Slovenia, I already knew and understood a lot of things. I kind of miss that job. It was very varied because I spent a lot of time in the field, I was at sports, cultural, and political events. During the time when I was both a cameraman and a musician, I realised that there were a lot of parallels between those worlds."
Now, he sometimes misses a slightly more regular schedule. "I used to be home at four in the afternoon, now I won't be home until May," laughs the likable drummer, who really liked working as a cameraman, but was mainly driven by his commitment to music. Now, for just over three years, he's been part of a band in which he's found something more. "I actually didn't really know how to get to that point, because in Slovenia, we often hear that you can't make a living from music and it might be better to find something else, that it's difficult to survive in the music world, that it's not worth it. But there was always something driving me so strongly that I was determined to prove to myself and others that it's possible."
THE CAMERA IS ALWAYS ON
If you want it strongly enough, you can achieve anything you want, he says. He's sure that as a musician, he will never achieve anything bigger than Joker Out. "Even though I like to emphasise that I'm living my dreams, it's not all sunshine and roses. The music world can be very tough, you have to fight every day, because you don't know what you're getting yourself into and what the result will be. Everything is a little unknown."
While the members of Joker Out are constantly discovering new unknown things in their creative world, they're definitely not unknown on the music scene. They caress our ears and souls with their finely crafted lyrics and excellent music. Their fans can now even hope that these outstanding young musicians will record a documentary about their journey in the near future. "We started recording in 2021 and we have a lot of things in stock that might interest people. With us, it's like this: when we're on tour, the camera can be on at any moment, so we have to be a little mindful of how we behave. Actually, everything is recorded – backstage, travelling, hotels, arguments, as well as lovely moments!"
The fans are thrilled by his not-at-all-reserved photos.
DREAMING OF SUMMER AND CAMPING
The magical pinnacle of the band's musical odyssey, which started even before their acclaimed Eurovision performance, happened last October in sold-out Stožice. On this colourful journey, they only had a moment to catch their breath at home before setting off again for new adventures. After a temporary move to London, the boys travelled to Helsinki on the 28th of February, where they did production rehearsals, and their European tour starts on the 1st of March. "We will board the bus which we will live on for one month. I'm looking forward to this experience and the bus tour, as it will be our longest yet," he doesn't hide his excitement. The band will come back to Slovenia for seven days at the end of March to regain their strength, then they will have a few performances in the UK, and on the 15th of April, they will lock themselves into a studio in Hamburg for a month, recording the album that was created in London.
"This year, we were home for three days, until the 4th of January, which makes the days spent in Slovenia even more precious," adds Jure, who is endlessly excited for the summer. "I've seen enough hotels in the past year, so I want a genuine holiday like in the old days, when a friend and I converted a car to be able to sleep in a camp. I miss simple holidays in nature and without a phone. That's what I really want this year, at least for a week or so," one of the most charismatic Slovenian drummers reveals his humble wish to us.
If you repost quotes from the interview, please link back to this post!
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scarlet, starlet pt. 1
summary: mingyu intends to make his girlfriend's wishes come true — all of them.
this a part of the man of the match universe
genre: professional football (soccer) mingyu, idol oc, porn with a little plot
wordcount: 3,251
pairing: mingyu x afab!reader
warnings: DDlg kink, d/s themes, both parties are safe, sane, and consenting adults, afab reader, lots of mentions of female anatomy, reader is implied to be significantly smaller than mingyu, making out, dry humping, finger sucking, fingering, squirting, huge mingyu, big dick gyu (canon), slight cum play, cum eating, exhibitionism, unprotected sex (pls dont do it, its not worth it), spit kink (bec i wrote it), creampie (also bec i wrote it), size kink go bbrrrr, bulge kink, dirty talk
author's notes: yet another work written for my lovely @madeforgyu! this is just part 1 of her birthday gift and is a part of the universe we have lovingly poured soooo much time and effort in. wuv u and all of that!
The excitement that comes with a new album and a comeback sometimes gets lost in just how complicated AM♡RE’s schedule has become. In between having to do pre-recording as a whole team, music shows would request certain members to be part of other variety segments which allowed other members to rest or even take on other schedules.
This led to fussy 4AM pre-recording sessions then running back to the company office to film overseas interviews and just napping during the car rides to and from one venue or another. By the time the whole team made it back to the KBS building for the live broadcast, the only thing fueling you was adrenaline and obligation. It’s a so-so way of celebrating your twenty-fourth birthday.
You try to shake it out of your system when you think of the cute pink drink truck that was parked by the entrance to the studio that your fans were enjoying. You think it could be a lot worse because you did catch a glimpse of the many birthday ads all over Seoul as you moved from one location to another.
But still, it could be better too.
With all the last minute activities and schedules being fit into every free moment you had in the past few weeks, it had been difficult to really set any celebration plans into stone with your boyfriend.
Your boyfriend.
A pout makes itself present on your face the second you start thinking of him. Having Mingyu around would make everything that wasn’t ideal about your birthday just simply melt away.
At this point, a message from him would suffice. You’re no stranger to receiving and sending messages at odd times but after Mingyu’s good morning message, all your other texts had gone unread.
You’re wracking your head if he had mentioned anything scheduled today but you come up with nothing because you can clearly remember that he said he was taking the entire day off to celebrate with you.
The thought sticks even as you’re being ushered on stage and you only really snap out of it as you find yourself in front of the crowd, the rest of your members bowing and waving before you have to take your starting positions.
You shake it off, thinking instead of how you’re sure a message from Mingyu will greet you the moment you step off stage.
You’re greeted by something far better than a text message when the music cuts and you’re trying to catch your breath.
A large smile is still plastered on your face as the thrill and joy of performing courses through you. The cheers fill you with warmth and satisfaction, hoping that you had given a good performance for the live show’s crowd, but a voice cuts through the usual noise of fans.
There’s a booming voice coming from the side stage and a “That’s my girl!” that sets every nerve on your body aflame in embarrassment and pride in equal measures.
It’s your boyfriend.
It’s Mingyu.
A bright smile splits your face and you can’t help the flush that paints your face pink as the rest of your members turn to see the afternoon’s special guest. With everyone on stage giggling and whispering amongst themselves with their lapels turned away from their mouths, even the crowd was starting to realize that something out of the norm was going on.
You make your goodbyes quick, giving deep bows of appreciation, but the excitement coursing through your body can’t be contained.
Once your leader has deemed you polite enough, offering you a sympathetic smile and nodding towards the general direction of the backstage area, you can’t move fast enough.
You briskly walk towards Mingyu who, despite his effort at dressing to be discreet, is still the most eye-catching person in the room. Standing tall and proud in the hustle and bustle of the music show staff is the top scorer of the Cheongdam Diamonds, offering you the most wicked grin.
There are so many eyes around you. Looks of jealousy, resentment, and also awe are no longer strange when either you or Mingyu are in the room. Having both of you present just meant all of the above, but a hundredfold. None of that matters to you at all when you let out a squeal and jump into his arms.
You don’t care. You’ve stopped caring. Let them see.
You can no longer count how many bad ideas have become good ones when Mingyu whispers them into your ear. You can’t even remember a time you’ve said no to him and his clever ideas. Not that you ever would really, especially when Mingyu always makes it worth your time.
It starts innocently enough, as it always does with you and Mingyu.
The second you managed to drag him into your dressing room, locking the door behind him, you had peppered his face and mouth with as many kisses as you could as he giggled and whispered birthday greetings every time your lips parted.
In no time, Mingyu had managed to wrap your legs around his waist and was guiding you as you slowly rocked your hips down onto his. The friction was so delicious even through all the layers of your stage costume but you knew that this would hardly suffice for either of you.
“I fucking hate these shorts,” Mingyu says with a grimace as his hands find their way to your ass, upset to find the layer of your safety shorts standing in his way.
Mingyu has always hated it when he would reach down and find your smooth skin covered with a seemingly offensive piece of clothing. On most days you barely wore any underwear around the house, just the way he likes it.
You love the little look of annoyance in his face and trace the lines of his eyebrows as you sit pretty on his lap, “They’re there to protect me.”
Mingyu can only snort at that.
You roll your eyes playfully, “Imagine if we stopped wearing these, then everyone would see what’s yours, Daddy.”
You feel his frown relax underneath your finger, “We can’t have that now, can we?”
“Nuh-uh,” You answer, allowing Mingyu to guide your hips. Even through the stupid safety shorts you could feel how his cock was pressing against the zipper of his jeans and Mingyu always knew how to find the cleft of your center to ensure that you were grinding your clit onto him.
“Why’s that?” He whispers against your lips, tongue flicking out to lick at your upper lip for just a split second.
You bite your tongue at the pleasure slowly building up between your legs and how he’s teasing you with his tongue, “Because this is yours.”
He makes a face of faux confusion before asking, “What exactly is mine?”
“This pussy.”
“Good girl.”
In no time, Mingyu has you strip for him and you stand before him, completely devoid of your costume. In the back of your head you can already imagine the frustration of the staff member assigned to assist you with getting fully dressed again, but the look Mingyu gives you has you pushing the thought away.
He’s sprawled on the couch as if he owned it and you’re dying to fall to your knees between his spread legs, but the second you move to do so, Mingyu grabs your wrist to stop you.
“It’s my sweet girl’s birthday today, so we’ll do all the stuff you like,” He says, standing up and crowding you against the counters littered with different makeup brushes and pots of eyeshadow and powder puffs.
“But I want to suck your cock,” You state as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.
Mingyu chuckles and you meet his eyes. You’re entranced.
“I know you do, love. But I don’t want you to bruise your knees when I’m dressing you back in that little skirt.”
He has a point and you frown, “How about tonight?”
He smiles as he brings three fingers up to your mouth, “Okay, I’ll even let you choke on it. Now suck on Dad’s fingers, get them nice and messy.”
You immediately let your mouth fall open and start to lap at the three fingers Mingyu offers you, savoring the salt of his skin and the rough pads of his fingers. If you tried hard enough you could pretend they were his cock, hard and smooth and so so delicious. Your little daydream has you salivating in no time, coating Mingyu’s fingers and lubricating them enough for what he’s no doubt about to do to you.
“Look at that little mouth go,” He marvels, “So small, three fingers can barely fit. Are you sure you can suck my cock?”
You’re shaken from your thoughts and immediately a look of distress spreads on your face, “Yes, it can fit! I can make it fit. You’ll make it fit, won’t you?”
Mingyu’s fingers are barely out of your mouth as you try to convince him. The look on your face makes Mingyu smile. It’s horrible and mean and you love it so much.
“Yeah, I’ll make it fit. I’ll make sure my baby will take it.”
You preen at the promise and wait in anticipation as he pulls his hands away from your lips and pressing his mouth against yours.
This kiss was not exactly a typical one. Instead of pressing your lips together, Mingyu licks into your mouth, his tongue bullying its way inside and pushing your own tongue out of the way. He runs this tongue against the roof of your mouth and against your teeth until you slowly start to press your tongue against his.
You groan in relief as he finally eases up to kiss you properly but tense up when you feel one of his hands grab at your left thigh to lift it up and prop it up on the counter. This position has you spread wide open for him. He loves it when he can see all of you.
The slick that’s been gathering between your folds is surely visible in this position and it makes you clench around nothing as Mingyu pulls away to survey you in this position.
“So so pretty,” He whispers underneath his breath, not even to you, just to himself, “Going to destroy this tiny pussy.”
That’s as much warning as you get before he presses two fingers into you at once.
Mingyu is bigger than most men in all aspects. He’s tall and broad, having put in so much time to get his physique to where it is now. His sheer size followed everywhere else. His fingers were long and thick and the press of two into your core has your eyes rolling to the back of your head.
Whether it was his cock or his fingers, you knew to always expect a stretch. And you loved it.
“Sooo good, Daddy,” is all you can muster as Mingyu sets a punishing pace that has you trembling in his arms in no time.
Each curl of his fingers sent a jolt down your spine that had you inching closer to the edge despite how Mingyu had just started.
“My pussy is taking two fingers so well,” He says, “I think three would be even better.”
You hate that he pulls his fingers out but you’re immediately placated when he brings the two fingers to his mouth to suck your slick off of them.
He makes a noise of delight before removing his fingers and leaning down. For a second you think he’s going to eat you out but instead Mingyu spits out the saliva and slick he’s collected in his mouth and lets it drip down from your clit.
He moves back to take in the absolutely debauched state of your pussy, smiling to himself, pleased at how messy he’s gotten you, before spreading the wetness with his soiled fingers.
“Are you ready for three, little girl?” He asks, almost mocking. You preen at the nickname and at the promise of the stretch of three fingers inside of you.
Even with the preparation he had given you, he punches a deep exhale from you and he pushes three fingers. The fit is so tight that you can feel how the rough pads of his fingers are. He always did refuse to wear gloves when he lifted weights. Now you want to thank him for it, because the friction inside you makes you want to scream.
It doesn’t help how slowly he’s going either. He’s relishing in how your walls wrap around his fingers, how you tighten up when he slips in a little further. And when he crooks his fingers just right, he can feel how you’re getting just a little bit wetter, slicker.
“You take me so good,” He whispers against your lips, so close it's almost a kiss.
You’re breathless though, mouth slightly ajar, waiting for his tongue to slither between your lips. He doesn’t make a move though aside from a cocky smirk and an arched brow.
Mingyu lets his fingers continue on with their noble job of getting you closer and closer to the edge. Each push and pull of his digits inside you set your nerves alight, but the delicate movement of his right hands make you want to die.
Even as he’s coaxing and orgasm with three fingers on his left hand, the fingers on his right are tracing delicate swirls and unrecognizable patterns along your inner thigh. Every now and then they’d go higher, just by the lips of your pussy.
The pace is much too slow for your liking and you’re worried that your absence would start to seem suspicious. You weren’t at Mingyu’s training center where everything is kept under lock and key with a very well written NDA. You were at Music Bank where staff members were nosy and there was surely another girl group member roaming the halls, praying for your downfall.
“Daddy, faster,” Is all you can manage in between kisses on Mingyu’s jawline, licking a stripe to taste the salt of his sweat and that underlying tinge of just him.
You don’t expect his free hand to come and grip the underside of your jaw, his fingers long enough to reach both sides of your cheeks. He applies just the right pressure to squeeze your cheeks and force your lips into a pucker.
It would be cute if not for the look on Mingyu’s face.
“This is a birthday gift, angel. Be good while I give it to you, hmm?” He says as he begins to pick up the pace.
In no time the pace is punishing, the only thing slowing Mingyu down is how each push of his fingers back inside of you required a stretch and each time your walls made space for him inside you, you let out a little whimper.
When Mingyu presses his thumb against your clit, adding to the already intense pleasure, you can barely keep it together. In no time you feel the telltale signs of an inevitable orgasm.
No matter the method, every single orgasm Mingyu has ever given you was mind blowing, and this would be no exception. You feel the wetness dripping down your ass before you’re comprehending what exactly has happened, having difficulty in processing the immense pleasure coursing through you, your eyes slipping shut at the feeling of cumming all over Mingyu’s fingers.
Your walls tighten around him, even as you spill into his open palm and he continues to push in and out, droplets falling to the floor beneath you and between his feet.
Mingyu’s eyes are fixed on your entrance as he keeps you filled, pleased with how stretched out you are, ready for him to just slip in.
He pulls his fingers out only to move them to cover your clit, gently rubbing, keeping you on the precipice of pleasure, not allowing you a moment to come back to Earth. You’re in that heady space only he take you.
“Eyes open, baby. Watch daddy fuck his cock into you,” Mingyu says with a light slap to your face.
He moves and lifts your other leg up, maneuvering your hands that are wrapped around him to hold yourself open, keeping you fully spread open and seated on the dressing room counter.
Mingyu grasps his cock and gives himself one, two, three pumps to ease the initial need for friction, before he taps the now leaking tip against your clit. A pearlescent drop of precum falls on the hood of your clit and you watch, helpless as he harshly swipes at it with his thumb.
You hiss at rough handling but are immediately silenced when he brings the thumb up and shoves it into your mouth. He presses down on your tongue as if to wipe the cum off his finger.
He grabs a fistful of the hair at the nape of your neck and smashes your mouths together. You love the way even his mouth seems to hold dominance over your own. The movements, no matter how unruly, are still just the right thing to get you going once more.
“We taste so good together, huh?” He whispers after fucking your mouth with his tongue. He pulls away slightly and lolls out his tongue to let a thick wad of spit fall from his lips down to your center.
The impact of the warm liquid has your gaping hole clenching around nothing.
It pleases Mingyu so much that he forgoes all the other teasing he initially had in mind and just guides the head of his cock to sop up the spit on your pussy before pushing in to the hilt in one thrust.
The blissed out sigh that you let out set him on fire.
Gone is the idea of long, languid strokes to stoke the fire in your belly. Instead he goes with a punishing pace that has high pitched cries slipping from your mouth.
His hands find the thickness of your ass to keep you in place, his hips doing all the work of rearranging your guts. In this angle and position, he can see how the head of his cock bulges in your abdomen slightly. It if was possible, he would have gotten harder.
Having already been so sensitive from hardly being able to come down from your first orgasm, Mingyu’s actions had you reeling into your second one in no time.
“My princess deserves to come already,” Mingyu says, slightly breathless, leaning his forehead on yours “Dad wants this pussy to never let him go.”
You nod in agreement, “It's yours forever. I love you.”
It almost seems pathetic for him to cum at those words, but it's a spectacular orgasm as he pulls out until only the head of his cock is inside you before he slams his hips flush to yours and letting himself flood your pussy with his cum.
You’re delirious as he keeps you steady, pulling out so slowly to make sure you keep every single drop of him inside of you.
“Keep it in until you get home,” He says, “I want to slip right in the second you get through the door and still feel me inside you.”
You press your lips to his once, twice, and a third one for good measure before nodding excitedly.
“It’s your gift to me. I won’t let a single drop go to waste.”
remy @ahreumtouch • may 8
GUYS I JUST READ THE CUTEST FAN ACCT FROM TODAY'S MUBANK WTFFFF
remy @ahreumtouch • may 8
There's a special guest at today's live performance!! After the Midas Touch recording there was a really loud and DEEP cheeer coming from backstage. The members were all looking to see who it was ijbol!!
remy @ahreumtouch • may 8
Ahreum was so happy when she figured out who it was that after bowing and greeting fans she left the stage but her mic was still on!!
huhu our baby was probably so happy and giggly as she always is! the op of the fan acct thinks its Mingyu!!
thank you Mingyu for loving and taking care of our precious Ahreum! 🥹🫧🩷
remy @ahreumtouch • may 8
CONFIRMED WTFFFFF 😭😭😭 Mingyu was seen leaving Music Bank today!!
SIR U R A FOOTBALLER U HAVE NO REASON TO BE AT MUSIC BANK IF NOT FOR UR IDOL GF!!
#frizzy fiction#seventeen smut#svt smut#mingyu smut#mingyu x reader#mingyu imagines#mingyu scenarios#seventeen x reader#seventeen scenarios#seventeen imagines#au: man of the match
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Okay okay, so Tim finds out Bruce is stuck in the timestream and gathers all his siblings + Barbara for a meeting, presenting his evidence, a drafted plan of action to save Bruce . . .
. . . And asks what to do with this information
They all come to an agreement / majority vote
l e t h i m d i e
=========
Once upon a time they thought that Gotham, the world, that they, all needed Batman
Now that isn't the case anymore
Oh he was mourned, by the Justice League, by his allies, by civilians . . .
But the Batfamily has grown into their own, they've found a way to fight for Gotham, Bludhaven, Crime Alley because they've inherited the Fear of Batman
They've found their own ways to instill the fear of them into the criminal world
Their territories are becoming better even despite their Patriarch being dead
And they feel less dead than they were becoming under his thumb
The Dark Knight is Dead; Long Live The Dark Knights
· · ·
People questioned what would happen with the Prince of Gotham dead
Tim tried becoming CEO, but Jason stepped in himself to take the mantle from right under him, citing he was too young and should enjoy his childhood while it still lasted
That started quite a fight between them
Duke Thomas was adopted by Jason and while not technically joining the family's nightlife, Signal could always be found while the sun was up
Gotham's bones broke, organs failed, and flesh was bitten off
Gotham has never been better since Batman or even The Second Robin died
Praise the Batfamily
This is happiness . . .
?
=========
Somebody finds out they let Batman die
Be it the Justice League, other heroes, their rogues, or another hero's rogues, or somebody else entirely
They find out
Do other groups learn by themselves? Does this knowledge come into the hands of people who would spread it?
Either way, the Batclan is going to have to confront that it's known they let Batman die
Is the knowledge it used maliciously, is the accuser wanting answers, or is it a mix of both
Gosh, what will Alfred think if he learns? I imagine that even if he enabled Bruce's abuse they kept him around, stick close enemies and friends after all
(me thinks personally that Joker is throwing a fit with his nemesis dead, and he may not even be able to abuse the fact his own kids killed him cuz it was a child abuser who was killed by his abused)
(but I'd love to see your take on Joker's pov when he only knows Batman is dead and if he learns his kids left him for dead and if he learns they were abused by him and that's why they let him die)
Now I'm wondering what would happen if it got leaked to the public that the Batfamily knew Batman could've been saved but did nothing about it. There could be so many different reactions from different groups
Crime Alley people, criminals, people outside Gotham, Gothamites themselves, and Bludhaven residents would have different takes collectively methinks
Fucking hell, that isn't even accounting for all the fuckery you could do w/ Bruce Wayne = Batman and I'm not talking about an post-mortem identity reveal, I'm talking identity shenanigans
Like say the bats knowing they could have saved Bruce but left him for dead and somebody/some group learns this and leaks it
And then Jason steps in to say "you know the FUCK what? We knew our old man could have been saved and since he was shit we voted/agreed to let him die!!" And all hell breaks loose
And that's just one example!
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Inspired by that ask on Jason calling for a family meeting after learning Bruce is stuck in the timestream to figure out what to do from there
+ the one post where Dick tries and fails to get Tim to give up on Bruce so he doesn't embark on BruceQuest and Bruce dies in the Timestream
w/ Cassandra in particular, it'd be fun to explore her psyche in the Vote branch, if she votes to let Bruce die or not considering her "No Kill" stance
Heck, with both branches they alone bring so much fun to the table, even without the flavor of The Reveal
Agreement: You get the explore a world where all the bat kids + Barbara want Bruce dead, by why is it? You get to see all their reasons for it, and how their reasonings may mesh or clash and how they come to make their decisions!
Majority Vote: You get to see the conflicts between those who want him back and want him dead + what they do and think knowing who voted for what then onwards
Bonus if a batsibling or two start of wanting Bruce back but then decide they want him gone, or the reverse, or they flip flop again and again until they make their choice
Either branch I think would overhaul the Batfamily's relationships w/ each other in a major way and not just because someone has to take Bruce's spot as the family head or whatever, but because they chose/voted for said Patriarch to die
That's a big fucking deal
Oh yeah, Duke; is he ever taught about the (technically not) Patricide committed? Or do they keep him ignorant because ignorance is bliss?
Because if he learns through means other than them, yeah it'll be a shit show the Bats won't be prepared for beforehand
Oh yeah what about Gordon? Do you think he'd be in the know or learn via leaks or a leaker cuz he's kind of Barbara's family
Hello!!!!!!!!!!
Tw: abuse, death, murder, child abuse, suicide (let me know if I need to add more)
I love this idea, and I'm totally up for breaking it down.
If it's not an agreement, then it's likely that the ones who disagree will try to save Bruce regardless of what everyone else wants
This will turn into an all-out war as those who want Bruce dead try to prevent the others from succeeding. It would be like a weird version of capture the flag, clue, and escape the room. The save-Bruce team (whether out of love or duty) would need to gather all the evidence that Tim did while fending off attacks and working against the clock (there comes a point in time that it's too late to save Bruce).
Even if they all agree, it's still complicated feelings wise.
Bruce is an abusive piece of shit (especially in this AU), but it's hard to not love your abuser. The cycle of abuse is difficult to break out of. I think Dick and Jason would be at the point they are more apathetic to Bruce's care/love. They are adults who don't rely on him. They might still love Bruce, but it's easier for them to put a defense against the man emotionally to the point of condoning his murder.
Babs and Steph aren't his kids, so, while their feelings aren't black and white, it's easier to distance themselves from Bruce.
Canonically, I think Tim recently got adopted by Bruce. This makes it harder for him to outright reject Bruce. When given evidence (and shown what Bruce did to his other family members), Tim might come to the conclusion that it's better off without Bruce.
Damian is a child who just got to meet his dad. I doubt he'd be on board with this plan nor, with his hero worship, would he be able to find faults in him. He simply hasn't spent enough time with Bruce (and lots of angst to be explored there. Basically, his "siblings" that he's just met are telling him it's better for him if their dad is dead).
Cass loves Bruce. She trusts his mission, what he's supposed to stand for, and that he does love his kids (she can see that he truly does love everyone). At the same time, he hurts her siblings. She doesn't agree with leaving Bruce to die, but her feelings are complicated on the matter.
How the batkids feel about Alfred is similar (although not categorically per a kid) as they feel about Bruce
If they've reached the point where they have acknowledged that Alfred will never be on their side nor protect them, they still love that old man. They want him to be around, they would be sad at his death, but they know Alfred could and has hurt them. They know Alfred would choose Bruce over them.
The JL find out Bruce isn't actually dead with the Black Lantern battle thing.
Theoretically, other heroes can then start trying to save Bruce. Without canon Tim's information, though, they might not be able to. Bonus points to this batfam au if Oracle and others actively sabotage their efforts.
Gordon would be presented with all the evidence that Batman was an abusive piece of shit.
The Commissioner would try to bury any feelings of grief out of guilt for what he's unknowingly allowed his ex friend to get away with. If he knew that Batman was the same boy he threw a jacket over at the scene of that kid's parents' murder, he would sit at his desk with a bottle of scotch and a lit cigarette trying to figure out where it all went wrong. Jim would blame himself, curse Batman, and, as he curses himself for always allowing, do not a damn thing against what the masked vigilantes tell him to do.
Crime Alley and Bludhaven respectively probably would either not give a fuck, say "good riddance," or whistle at the fact the Bat's own kids refused to save him.
Gothamites know their vigilantes. If the batkids had refused to help Batman, than they trust the kids. There's nothing out there that would turn a man's entire family against him besides the man himself. By the end of the week, all Batman related stuff is burnt and replaced by the many symbols of the birds.
Anyone outside of Gotham (besides Bludhaven) will criticize the batkids. Gotham becomes fiercely protective over their birds after that and will fist fight anyone who tries to talk shit about them or their decision.
Fuck Joker, but here's how I think he felt about it.
Man definitely lost his shit in a fit of giggles. It seems (though Joker is slightly disappointed he wasn't part of the final showdown) that Batman was dragged down to the level of madness he swore he'd never go to. If Batman's kids turned against him, oh that must mean that the furry freak truly did horrendous actions against them!
That clown spends several weeks coming up with twisted fantasies and theories to ask out of the Birds to tease out their reactions for when he next sees them. He wants to know exactly how the Dark Knight fell and what was so dastardly to turn children against their father.
After he solves that mystery? Dealer's choice. He doesn't quite get as much joy without Batman around. He can play around with Red Hood and Red Robin specifically (if JJ happened), but nobody is the Dark Knight.
Maybe his melancholy turns into rage where he starts seriously gunning for all the Birds for not returning Batman to him. That, or Joker kills himself cause his nemesis/obsession is gone. Both are likely responses.
Anyways, I also love the positive notes you had that I didn't address. The hopefulness of them doing better for Gotham and Jason adopting Duke is fantastic. I'd love more of that as well as everything else
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Older
Pairing: Matt Murdock x Reader
Warnings: Angst, old grief, mild swearing
Word Count: 564
Tag List: @loves0phelia , @nowheredreamer, @beezusvreeland
Author's Notes: I have no idea where this came from. The Muse just went into angst mode for a little bit.
Daredevil Masterlist
General Masterlist
Older
Now, it wasn’t entirely unusual for you to turn on the lights and find Matt already home. He never used them when it was just him. Sometimes he flicked them on when he heard you coming up but other times he didn’t. You think he enjoyed making you jump with a startled ‘Matthew!’ when you hit the switch and found him standing right you.
Not tonight. Tonight, you found him sitting on the couch with his shoulders hunched and his head bowed. In one hand, he was holding a bottle of whiskey. He didn’t seem to have noticed your arrival, something that only increased your concern.
“Matty?” you asked. You had spoken softly but he still flinched like you had shouted. He lifted his head and you felt your concern turn to worry. His eyes were red, his cheeks stained with salt. He had been crying. “Matty, what’s wrong?”
He flinched again.
“D-don’t –,” he started, his voice thick with pain. “N-not that name. Please.”
“Okay,” you said, keeping your voice low. Sometimes when he was stressed, Matt experienced sensory spikes. Not always but that flinch implied this might be one of those times. Regardless, you tended to err on the side of caution. You came closer, torn between your desire to hug him and the knowledge that touch might be painful . . .
Qualms that Matt apparently didn’t share. He scooted over to the edge of the couch, dropping the whiskey bottle to the floor. Thankfully, it didn’t break. Just hit the wooden floor with a dull thud. Must have been the fancy one that Frank gave them as wedding present. This particular bottle had proven surprisingly resilient. But the bottle was put out of your mind in favor of the man wrapping his arms around your waist and burying his face against your chest.
You wrapped your arms around his shoulders, pulling him against you more firmly. Then you slide one hand up to run your fingers through his hair. Matt usually found that soothing. Today was no exception. You felt some of the tension start to drain out of his muscles in his shoulders and back.
“Matt,” you said, lowering your voice even further. “Honey, what’s wrong?”
“It’s stupid,” he muttered.
“I doubt that,” you said, massaging his scalp with your fingertips. “I doubt that very much. Anything that upset you this much isn’t stupid. Whatever it is, you can tell me. You know that.���
A deep shuddering breath. “Today was my father’s birthday.”
You remembered. Matt had been a little melancholy this morning but he always was when Jack’s absence was especially painful. Like his or Matt’s birthday. The day Jack was killed. Holidays. The day of your wedding. You made a soft, encouraging sound.
“He should have been turning fifty-four this year. But he’s not. And I just . . . I just realized that I’m older than my father. I got to see thirty-three and he never did. Risk my neck almost every damn night and I’m alive. But he’s not. And it hurts.”
His voice broke on that last word and fresh tears begin to soak your shirt. You tightened your arms around him, wishing there was something you could say that could ease this pain. Anything that would make it all better. But there wasn’t. All you could do was hold him while he grieved.
#mcu daredevil#netflix daredevil#matt murdock x reader#matt murdock#matt murdock angst#hurt/comfort#tw grieving#fan fic#drabble
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Okay apparently I'm going to do a study on this introduction, because going back to it? Especially knowing more about Hakuba via more recent Magic Kaito chapters? Fascinating stuff.
So. Hakuba's introducing himself, and he starts out by bringing up "My father spoke of you often" and "It seems you're a very sharp detective." Both of those are positive!
Hakuba is... high society, compared to Hattori simply hanging out around high ranking people and treating them like normal. Hattori argues with Kazuha in a very down to earth way, while Hakuba knows how to drink tea and probably how to set the table with a full set of cutlery (or at least how to use them).
So, Hakuba using their fathers to introduce himself is, to him, a normal enough way to say "I've heard good things about you, we're similar, I hope we can get along well."
What's more - Shinichi realises that, pretty quickly. Even if they hadn't met previously, he'd have been able to figure out by the words being used, that Saguru's father knows Heiji's father, or that they're in the same business.
If anything, I'd say that this slight culture clash is the second step of things going wrong between Hattori and Hakuba here, right after Hakuba being present at all, since Hattori had wanted Shinichi to take his rightful place where Hakuba is currently sitting.
Strike one, strike two.
Unfortunately, it gets worse from there, and I'm gonna go into it.
But then Hakuba brings up that he's not even fully based in Japan. To which, mostly Hattori is just "wait, what?" - but although I'm sure he means it simply to be as clear as possible, that could also be read as "I would say that, but I'm actually better." As in, being smug.
Strike three.
Still with "Kudo is the high school detective of the east, that's obvious, isn't it?" and rubbing salt into the insult to Hattori's bro with "they'd have liked me to represent the east in his place" but...
Oh boy.
This... this is also where I just stared and held my head in my hands because now? Because of something Hattori's said, and what he's going to continue saying/leaning into... we need to go back in time.
All the way back in Hakuba Saguru's first appearance, the papers say "just returned from London," suggesting (as I've seen someone say before) that he'd spent at least some, if not much, of his youth in Japan.
Certainly, he doesn't seem to speak with an accent in the present day, so he can't have grown up in the UK and only sometimes lived in Japan.
In Japan, however, he is referred to as...
In Nakamori's (uncouth) words at their first meeting, "Y-you're that bastard from London!"
No mention of how he has a fully Japanese name, partially Japanese features, a Japanese father, and no accent.
His introductory splash also frames him with the Union Jack behind him, showing off his Holmes cosplay and light hair. Almost all the major characters in the series have blue eyes, but here it's rather... plainly emphasising his Western features. His non-Japanese-ness.
Now, I do have to wonder if Gosho wrote that back in 1990 and hadn't given much thought to it. I certainly don't think it was intentionally cruel.
However, by volume 40, released in 2003, he's learned a bit more about social prejudice, and shows this with the Professor's First Love story:
This shows something that happened 40 years ago in-universe, with a girl of Japanese-American descent who has light, gingko colour hair, being very aware of how different she is, and not wanting her friend to see. She calls her hair "weird" and starts to cry.
Coming back to the present - content released in 2006 - let me go back to Hakuba Saguru.
Hattori "That's obvious, isn't it? And yer not even from this country to begin with."
Oh, Hattori. Only the previous case had you seeing how words can be as sharp as knives, and can hurt people.
Saguru doesn't seem too bothered at first, however...
First off, he points out that it isn't even his fault he's "taken Kudo's place" in the first place!
They contacted his housekeeper, who he's been shown to be very close with (I'd hazard a guess to say that, having not seen his mother at all, or seen her mentioned, Baaya is closer to him than his parents are), and when she heard that her charge would only be taking someone else's place since they weren't there, she got offended on his behalf.
Saguru, who loves this woman like she's literally his nanny, could hardly say no at that point.
More to the point: how he says "But it appears I am unfit to represent the East..."
So now we have Hattori having come in wanting his best friend to be represented and not sidelined just because of circumstances out of his control, and being in a bad mood immediately because of someone else having been called in. He also possibly inflates the number of cases he worked on or solved, by including childhood adventures, leading Saguru to point out that his count is only low if you only count the ones in one country. Saguru attempts to make friends with him regardless, and that doesn't work because Hattori is still stuck on how Saguru is "taking Kudo's place" and then focuses in on how Saguru "isn't even from this country" which... starts leaning into the uncomfortable territory of "Hattori I love you to pieces but are you being racist/xenophobic right now?"
I say that in the context of how Japan has a really big problem with seeing anyone who isn't fully Japanese as Not Japanese Enough, as I went into earlier. I don't think he's aware how he's coming across, by the way; he's simply got a big case of foot-in-mouth.
So now instead of having come to this conclusion organically and naturally, Saguru is offering to take the place of "Guest Participant from Overseas" to placate Hattori.
I'd imagine he won't be wanting to tell Baaya about that, for sure.
Saguru goes on to suggest that Conan (i.e, Shinichi himself) should represent the East instead.
I reiterate: they could well have come to this conclusion over a friendly conversation, because of how they have five detectives. But instead now Saguru has ceded his position to (as far as he knows) a child. A very clever child, but a child nonetheless.
The next time we're back at the island with Hattori and the others, he's already decided he doesn't like "that smug guy."
As said before, there are plenty of things that Hattori could have picked up on that'd suggest Saguru "looked down on people" and "had a prideful way of thinking" and he certainly could appear smug in his achievements.
Hattori himself says that Saguru was "was like a copy of [Kudo]." But he has decided he doesn't like Hakuba, therefore he won't like Hakuba.
A moment of Saguru bonding with Natsuki over their natural brown hair, a shared trait - we can see him smiling after saying "But... there aren't any tv cameras yet, so you could do what you want for tonight?"
In a way I feel like I'm making too much of a big deal out of this one thing, but I'm not the one bringing attention to it - Gosho is. Gosho's the one who reminds us that kids get into trouble for their natural brown hair, and Saguru got that too.
Those who've read Magic Kaito will know that he DOES have a Japanese school uniform - but as we saw at the start of the post, when he arrived, he arrived from his school in London.
This further emphasises how he's set apart from the others.
(An aside: it's entirely possible that his "school abroad" is more likely him going to sixth form, since our Secondary schools last (or did for me) up to the age of 16, and depending on the time of year he may have transferred over to the new school year already. Or he's just finishing his last year of Secondary. We don't know.)
Honestly... I'm going to leave this at that for now, because for one thing the post got away from me a bit, and became longer than I expected, and for another thing, I've covered the majority of the first meeting and both of them getting off on the wrong foot.
In short:
Hattori arrived with an idea of slipping Shinichi into the event, and was offended and upset when someone was already in his place. He, being the loyal friend he is, wasn't willing to simply let it lie.
Instead of backing down and accepting the situation and make friends with the new detective - who Shinichi knew and was acting friendly with, and who was willing to befriend him - he let his bad mood get the better of him and made offensive remarks of his own, most of which to the others would seem entirely unwarranted.
Because of that, Hattori still has a bad opinion of Saguru, and Saguru's opinion of Hattori has gone from "my father's spoken of you [positively]" to "rude asshole."
Neither of them are innocent, but when you look at them individually and fairly, neither of them are the only one in the wrong, either.
Like... no wonder they don't get along from here on? Wow.
I did not expect there to be so much in it, but there we go.
#dcmk stuff#leona rereads dcmk#dcmk#hakuba saguru#hattori heiji#[head in hands] these two...#hattori I love you but pls
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BELLE OMG HIII
7x09 THOUGHTS???
I have no thoughts. I am in shock. Actually no I do have thoughts.
- Tommy pisses me off SO SO BAD. His negative attitude brings down the mood in literally every scene I do not understand why he’s like this if we’re meant to be rooting for him as bucks love interest? (Spoiler: we’re not).
- Athena approaching Amir as a way to help Bobby feel better about himself is/was wrong and she could have gone to a whole number of other people instead. I love mother Athena but Bobby/Amir had every right to react the ways that they did. I also firmly do not believe that Amir started the house fire, it’s gotta be the cartel (the old guy from the car) or a plot twist other character.
- I’ve rambled enough on here already about my thoughts on the batshit Kim/Eddie situation so I won’t repeat myself too much but. Good lord. Kim matches that man’s freak and takes it ten steps further. I saw a theory that Kim is going to become a bit psycho obsessed with Eddie and not know how to let him go. I don’t really think this is likely (though who tf knows what to expect the minute) but I do like the idea. It sounds fun, crazy Kim is a wild ride and I wouldn’t mind more yaknow?
However, I was heart BROKEN when Chris came in, that poor boy does not deserve the feelings he’s about to feel. I sincerely hope this whole drama doesn’t badly damage his and Eddies relationship :(
Also as much hatred as I have for Marisols actress, her actual character is harmless and I do feel bad for her too- I will defend Eddie with my LIFE but his actions reaaallly are having some serious consequences on those around him. I hope he sorts himself out soon and can somehow make amends.
- HenRen and their kids… my HEART ACHES for them so bad. I can’t help but feel like this storyline is a little bit forced? Like the councilwoman so easily getting their adoption/foster case halted and the judge doesn’t see a conflict of interest there? All her “evidence” that she present against Hen can be debunked so easily. I do feel confident that HenRen will win their appeal and Mara will come home safe and sound. But I hope there are real consequences for the councilwoman acting like this over her druggy son who REFUSED GODDAMN TREATMENT AND GOT PEOPLE KILLED (or was that just almost?) ugh.
- in terms of buddie/bt. I want BT bones like.. last week. But I do think it’s coming, that stale ass interview, their lack of scenes, Tommys complete void of any character/kindness and Buck prioritising Eddie as he goes through his struggle, all point to BT bones either next episode, in between S7/8 or early S8 at the latest. I cannot wait.
Buddie needs more time to cook. I KNOW we’re desperate for it and have already been waiting a long long time, but it needs time. It would be too rushed and out of place and kinda risks being tone deaf if it were to happen right now/too soon. Eddie needs to get through this and be in a better place before their relationship can develop healthily.
That isn’t to say they can’t feed us more Eddie/Buck or BuckleyDiaz family scenes in the meantime though… really bring this simmer to a boil 🥰
#911 abc#911#911 show#911 buddie#911 buck#buddie#911 eddie#911 spoilers#911 eddie diaz#911 evan buckley#911 season 7#911 on abc#911 tv show#eddie diaz#evan buckley#gay eddie diaz#evan buck buckley#bi buck#911 bobby nash#911 bobby#911 henren#911 hen#911 Karen#911 tommy#911 athena#911 athena and bobby#911 Amir#911 Kim#911 christopher
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What d’you think is the “best” trait the main bau team members have?
OH I love this question thank you so much. There’s a lot so bear with me
Hotch: his compassion for his team. He’s an extremely compassionate and empathetic leader, constantly allowing for his team to leave work if they need to and following them on their hunches, even if they seem unlikely, purely because he loves and respects each of them. Quite often Hotch is portrayed as stone faced but I’ve honestly never seen a male leading character be so openly loving to their team.
Gideon: how much he cares for the victims in his cases. Gideon is often characterised as being a bit clueless to the feelings of his team, yet he never is to the people he is trying to save because he puts his everything into it. He has always been so open and accepting in cases which was rare for a 51 year old man in 2005; he was very willing to let go of his old ways and what he used to know so that he could evolve with the changes in society in order to best help the people he was saving. We also got to see his book of the people he saved. It was amazing.
Rossi: his ability to read and help the people on the team when no one else does. I wholeheartedly believe that if Rossi was present during the Hankel case, Reid would not have gone through his addiction alone. Rossi is always the one to call out people who try to hide their problems and he puts in so much effort to help them, even using his hours outside of work to do so. We see him waking up early to help Hotch coach Jack’s football matches, him inviting Penelope over for scotch so that she can finally disconnect from technology and him hosting the cooking class, the wedding and Strauss’ funeral dinner ar his house. His character development from being weary about the team to adoring them all individually was amazing.
Reid: I love how despite him admitting that he has trouble with emotions, he is always the one doing everything he can to be an emotional support when people around him are struggling. We see him try and comfort Elle when everyone else disconnected from her, he stayed with Garcia the entire time when she was shot, he is the one to call Emily to ask if she wants to hang out when she started disconnecting due to the Doyle situation, he is the one to try and help JJ with her PTSD in season 10 and so on. He doesn’t like the idea of the people around him going through things alone despite the fact that he often tries to go through things alone and he is extremely selfless in this sense.
JJ: I am constantly inspired by how throughout the show, she is repeatedly putting in effort to try and improve herself as a person and as an agent. We never see her get cocky, even when she deserves to be like she was in the FBI from a very young age, she had one of the most challenging jobs as the press liaison and then she was able to work herself up to profiler where she was one of the most formidable people on the field. Despite how impressive she really is, the audience are never given a chance to consider it because she never boasts about it and instead spends everyday striving to be better.
Morgan: he is always willing to take on a leadership role when he has to, yet he is always willing to give it back to Hotch when he doesn’t need to take it on anymore. I’m not just referring to season 5 either, I’m talking about any time when Hotch is unable to take on his role. Morgan respects Hotch a lot and is always willing to support him by taking on the role of team leader when Hotch can’t anymore, yet he never tries to take the role permanently for himself, despite being told he could by Strauss. Despite his years of experience and his leadership skills, he is willing to give up the role because he sees it as what is best for the team and he respects Hotch too much to keep it.
Elle: her protection of women. Elle was, in my opinion, ahead of her time. She previously worked in the sex crimes division and in season 1, she was the only female profiler and she did not step away from her previous role as an advocate for women in sex crimes just so she could better ‘fit in with the men’ of the BAU; she instead brought her perspective with her and implemented it in her cases. She was the only one in episode 3 to look at the woman who was assaulted and realise how uncomfortable she must have been surrounded by men. She ended her career in the BAU fighting for women and it hurts me that the BAU lost her.
Garcia: she never, ever stops being herself, even when people question her or bring her down for it. Sadly, because Garcia is the brightest person in the room, she is quite often the one who the profilers take their frustrations out on; we have seen JJ, Morgan, Hotch, Rossi and Emily all do this. Despite this, she doesn’t waver, she doesn’t stop being the brightest person in the room just because someone is simply not in the mood for her to be because she knows that she does not need to apologise for simply existing as her authentic self. In the episode The Black Queen, 9x12, her ex tells her that they both used to make fun of girls like her, and she corrects him saying that he made fun of girls like her, this was who she always wanted to be. This is so empowering to me.
Prentiss: my love, she was so unbelievably loyal to those around her and this was clear from the beginning. She was the only one to question Reid’s suffering in season 2, she literally uprooted her life and faked her death so that her team’s lives could be protected in season 6. When she found out JJ was in danger in season 9, she was so quick to jump on a plane back to help her. When the team calls for favours whilst she is in London, she always answers to help them. When Reid got arrested and imprisoned in season 12, she didn’t once believe that he committed the crime of which he was accused and even risked her entire career tampering with possible evidence so that it couldn’t be used against him. She is loyal to a fault and so many don’t acknowledge that.
Todd: we only got Todd for 9 episodes but I loved how human she was. She was the first character to make the audience realise that none of what we were looking at was normal. By season 4, the audience became very desensitised to the crimes that we were looking at and Todd broke us out of that and she also was not afraid to call out the fact that it wasn’t normal that the profilers were desensitised either. I respect how in the end she would rather admit that she couldn’t do the job anymore than lose that human side of her. I also loved how she made sure Hotch never took JJ for granted.
Seaver: we never got to see much of Seaver’s development because of the writers, but I loved her willingness to learn. Seaver hadn’t even graduated from the academy when she joined the team, she was not a profiler, she wasn’t even a qualified FBI agent. Watching her learn and grow in such a traumatising field and take it all in her stride was so incredibly interesting to watch. I also loved watching her friendship grow with the team; going to the cinema with Reid, Morgan and Garcia, gaming night with Rossi and going out for curry with Reid. 
Blake: Blake was so incredibly talented and so unbelievably smart but instead of using it as a way to get ahead of her team, she used it as a way to relate to them and bond with them. She almost became a protective figure over them and she took that role very seriously too. It was honestly amazing watching her mind work and how easily she was able to take on her role as a profiler because of it. I know I just named multiple good qualities but it is incredible to me how much her character was able to grow and be adored in just two seasons, she had no idea what dynamic she was getting into when she joined the team yet she fit in perfectly and adapted to it so quickly in order to help them and gain their trust.
Callahan: her confidence. She went into that bullpen being unapologetically herself from the beginning and she fit herself into that team without an ounce of apprehension. She made so much effort to establish herself and she was not shy about it which I adored; she had banter with Rossi, she opened up to Reid, she carpooled with JJ, she became a close friend for Garcia and she gained Morgan’s trust all within a few episodes; the last two being hard to do as a new member of the team. I love how she didn’t question where she belonged, she knew she belonged.
Simmons: to me, Simmons was just so incredibly sweet. When he first joined and I saw that he was buff and conventionally attractive, I was weary that he was just going to be another jock detective that we see in other shows, but he wasn’t. He, again, was an incredibly strong and skilled agent yet when he arrived on the team he took everyone for who they were and never once acted like he was in any way better than them because he had skills that they did not have. He was just a nice person and that may sound like a basic description but to me, it’s the best description to give a person. I felt genuinely safe with Matt’s character on the screen because it was just lovely to see a man on the screen who was just good.
Lewis: OH I love this woman. Tara brought a new element of self assurance to the screen and also humour. She, again, was very unapologetically herself and she knew her worth, as we saw when she went through her breakup, which was so refreshing to see because it is rare you see a woman know her value and not be portrayed as cocky for doing so. She is also a character that marked her place on the team and I also love how unafraid she was to come out and say that she was dating a woman, which was a risk in itself because the BAU had never had an openly LGBTQ+ profiler before. I also loved how she brought ‘your mum’ jokes to the show because watching a 50 year old woman with a doctorate make multiple ‘your mum’ jokes is all I needed from the show if I’m honest.
Alvez: I don’t want to repeat things too much but I also love Luke’s loyalty, which is something we also saw from very early on in his time in the show. Bear in mind when Reid was in prison, Luke was only on the team for a very short period of time, yet he believed wholeheartedly that Reid was innocent and even made threats for his safety. I also love how he took Garcia’s original dislike of him in his stride and honestly embraced everything about her, whether it was her distrust in him or her ‘quirkiness’ as the team would dub it, he took it all in and loved her because of it all, not in spite of it.
#I’m sorry this is so long this fully took an hour to write oops#criminal minds#aaron hotchner#hotch#jason gideon#david rossi#spencer reid#jj#jennifer jareau#derek morgan#elle greenaway#penelope garcia#emily prentiss#jordan todd#ashley seaver#alex blake#kate callahan#matt simmons#tara lewis#luke alvez
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Ok, i totally understand that you get a lot of requests but i literally couldn’t live without asking…Could you do a part two to the spencer reid loml fic where he goes to san francisco and makes up with the reader? Tysm 🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻
(btw so high school is my fav fic ever i love it sm)
Hi love!! Thank you so so so much for your kind words; I hope this is to your liking, because I wanted to keep the angsty mood long enough to answer the questions from the first part; but ending with a little fluff
Btw, I have a pendidng Hotch request I'm currently working on, so I wanted to remind you that requests are always open🥰
y/n – your name
Warnings: A little angst, bad words and just Sad Boy Spence with a sprinkle of fluff at the end
Word count: 6,395 (is bc there are emojis)
My Masterlist
Almost a month had gone by since you left the BAU in Quantico; and even if you tried to see the bright side of things, since Spencer had called off your engagement, life felt like walking around with a hole pierced where your heart used to be. Although, it is important to note, things for Spencer weren’t much better on the other side of the country.
“I don’t know what’s wrong with you, Reid, but I think you should really consider taking some time off work” Emily told Spencer as they were exiting the jet recently landed jet
“I’m alright Prentiss, what happened in the field won’t happen ever again” Spencer scoffed, almost sounding petulant, and exhausted after days with little to no sleep and a complicated case that took an enormous toll on him
“This is not a question Reid, you put your life, the victim’s and your team’s life on the line for what? Because you had a hunch? I’m sorry but in this line of work you can’t just risk it all just because you think so, and you should know that, specially by now” Emily replied, this time with a firm tone that send a shiver trough Spencer’s back; he knew Emily was right, but he really couldn’t admit it, even to himself, that the past month had been hell on earth without you
“I… I’m sorry, I was so sure I could catch the unsub” Spencer tried arguing, but he knew no matter what he said, Emily was right, his head wasn’t in the right place and he ended up jeopardizing the case, and almost letting the unsub walk freely
“I’ll take advantage of the gunshot you received to have you on medical leave for at least two weeks, and hopefully when you come back, your head is clear and you’ll stop doing rookie mistakes” Emily said, trying her best to gift Spencer a compassionate smile
“Alright boss, see you in a fortnight” Spencer said, with a forced smile carrying his go bag, ready to go home; except that, home wasn’t home anymore. “Home” was room 313 of a crappy hotel; even if the mortgage payments for the apartment you two used to share were currently being taken off his bank account. Spencer Reid did not have the heart to step into the apartment he had impulsively bought hoping you’d come back to him.
When Spencer thought about coming home, all he could think about was coming back to you. Your soft embrace, your sparkling eyes, and the way you had to make life better just by being present. Until this day, Spencer could not understand, nor explain, the effect you had on people: you were like a ray of sunlight after a week of rain; whenever he thought of you, he got the same excitement you get when the first flowers of the spring start blooming. Even if he wanted to be stubborn and hold on to his decision of breaking off the engagement, it took every fiber of his being to not drive his car all the way to San Francisco to get you back. But then again, his logical side kicked in and reminded him of all the reasons you couldn’t be together:
He was way older than you, Spencer Reid was convinced that the eight-year difference would take a toll on the relationship, sooner or later
He knew schizophrenia was almost likely to be hereditary, and he didn’t want to put you thought the hell he lived with his mom when he was younger
Your career was just taking off at the FBI, while his was somehow was marked permanently by his time in prison and more than a couple of disciplinary issues; and he wanted nothing to do with your reputation being stained by associating with him
While you were a hell of a profiler, after years at the BAU he knew what the job could do to you, and he did not want to risk you losing your spark with all the trauma the job inflicted
Every single person he has ever loved ended up either death, kidnapped or extremely harmed by being close to him. This was a particularly painful reason, especially because he is not a man of faith, but sometimes, late at night Doctor Spencer Reid wonders if he’s somehow the victim of a prophecy, or a cruel joke of fate considering every single person he has ever loved suffers when they’re around him; and of course, he could not let you suffer, nor put you in any danger because of his ill luck
Sure, whenever he thought of these reasons he called bullshit on himself, but at the end of the day, the decision was made, and you were perfectly safe from him (and his curse) at the other side of the country.
Since the day he called off the engagement, Spencer felt that he was living his life in autopilot. Most of the time, he wasn’t even present at the moment because he was too immersed into his own head, spinning and replaying the dreadful day he broke your heart; which ended up with him making huge mistakes at work, and disappointing René Descartes: as he was not thinking.
Without even noticing, he arrived into his hotel room, sighted, and decided he was too tired to even eat, so he just went to bed.
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After a couple of days of bed rotting, Spencer received an unexpected knock on his hotel door, and it was his dear friend Penelope Garcia.
“How are we doing, boy genius?” the bubbly blonde asked as she came into the messy hotel room. Spencer was known to be a pretty organized person, some would even dare to say he had a small OCD, but from the state of this hotel room, Penelope was both perplexed and alarmed
“I guess you heard about my medical leave” Spencer said taking a seat on the bed with a voice that almost sounded like a grunt
“Yeah… I was pretty surprised when you didn’t show up to the jet, I mean, I knew the injury of the bullet you took in Arkansas wasn’t that devastating” she said, clearly nervous about the topic
“The bullet just grazed my shoulder, I really didn’t need the medical leave” Spencer scoffed rolling his eyes, “So why are you here? Prentiss send you to check up on me?” the young Doctor said facing his friend
“I was just… worried about you… I know… I know things have been difficult since y/n left Virginia” Penelope said, almost rambling, and worried that her words would shake up Spencer.
Everyone at the BAU, knew Spencer Reid was a yapper, nonetheless and since he came back from prison, it was like something inside Spencer died. He was still a genius who held on his mind almost every single piece of information he has ever read, or learn, but something was totally different. He stopped his rambles, he became more reserved, and he built these walls around him and his personal life. Of course, some of this changed when he was with you, once again he had opened up his heart to trust, and his old friends like García, Rossi, JJ, and Prentiss sometimes even felt like they could catch a glimpse of the old Spencer Reid. Unfortunately, Spencer went back to his avoiding and reserved ways once you left the BAU; it almost seemed like you left, and took his heart with you.
“I’m alright, the wound is healing properly, and soon I’ll be back on the field” Spencer rushed to answer, avoiding commenting on you
“What’s wrong with you, Spence?” Penelope dared to ask directly seeing how avoidant he had been lately
“Nothing’s wrong, okay? Prentiss is just exaggerating, and that’s why she made me leave” Spencer said, rolling his eyes at his concerned friend
“You are one of my closest friends, I even dare to call you family Spence, and I know when something is wrong with my family” Penelope said taking a step closer to Spencer “I’ve been giving you your space with the whole y/n situation, I even refrained from asking the juicy details, but something is seriously wrong if you are running toward the unsubs, taking bullets just because, and pushing away the people who care about you” Penelope said, and Spencer realized how much of an ass he was being to his friends, but of course, he knew this was nowhere close to how much of an ass he had been towards you
“I fucked up” Spencer said with a strain of voice, as his eyes were covered by a soft mist of tears
“I know you did Spence, but you can make things better” Penelope said holding her friend in her arms as he silently cried over her shoulder
“y/n hates me… I… I screwed thing up and there’s no coming back from there” Spencer cried as Penelope streaked his hair reassuringly
“I’m sure y/n doesn’t hate you” she said after a pause “Whatever happened between the two of you was probably a misunderstanding that can be resolved” Penelope added with a string of hope on her voice. Nobody knew exactly what had gone on between the two of you; one day you were happily engaged, and the next Monday you had asked for your transfer to the other side of the country, with no explanation or goodbyes
“I… I got scared… I just love y/n so much I didn’t want to drag her down with me. I know I’m screwed up, and complicated to deal with… Also… It may sound stupid, but you know how every single person I’ve loved either dies or leaves? I was so scared out of my mind that something horrible would happen to her, I decided to end the engagement right there on the spot” Spencer admitted put loud for the first time, as tears rolled down his cheeks “You know the worst part? When y/n left town I even bought our apartment, just in case that she wanted to come back, but as days go back, I guess her decision was final, and she’s not coming back” Spencer continued his rant
“I really shouldn’t be telling you this, but I’ve kept tabs on her, since she left Virginia” Penelope said and Spencer’s eyes lit up at the possibility of learning something about you and your whereabouts
“Is she okay? Is she happy? How’s she doing in San Francisco?” Spencer rushed to ask, eager with anticipation
“She’s okay, she’s mostly working with children victims of human trafficking, so he’s been really busy, but overall her performance is alright” Penelope said, debating internally of she should give Spencer the envelope with your information she was caring on her purse
“y/n always enjoyed working with children” Spencer said with a small smile forming into his lips as the image of you popped on his head. He could see you, smiling brightly after solving the pieces that made the cases, the way you’d sight in relief after catching an unsub, and how dedicated you were to your work, he was so proud of you that the thought of you killing it on your new job made his heart flutter with excitement, but ache because the prospect of you coming back, somehow became even more distant
“I… there’s something else… she’s seen somebody new” Penelope said, and Spencer’s heart shattered at the idea of you with someone else. He could barely manage to stand, as his knees grew weak and his throat suddenly got dry “She’s dating an Assistant District Attorney, it’s something fairly new but I thought you should know” the blonde added, deciding she was going to facilitate Spencer all the information she had on you
“I hope he treats her right” Spencer said with a strain of voice as Penelope handed him the envelope she retrieved from her purse
“This is all the info I’ve gathered on y/n, I don’t know what you should do, but I… I hate seeing you like this, and honestly, the two of you were so happy together. I don’t know what happened or of it’s salvageable, but I know in my heart you love her, and she loves you, even if she’s forcing herself to move on, so just… follow your heart Reid, I know it’s hard and scary, but I promise you it’s worth it” Penelope said, cupping her friend’s cheek on her hand
“I don’t know what to say, I mean, of course I love her, but because I love her I have to let her go, I’m dangerous for her” Spencer said, with his eyes lingering from the envelope to his friend
“If that’s your final say, it’s okay, I brought this here for you, so I’m leaving it whether you want it or not, but please Spencer, I need you back, the whole team needs you” Penelope said cupping her friend’s cheek as she left the hotel room, leaving Reid with a messy web of thoughts that revolved around you.
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Another couple of days went by since Penelope’s visit, Spencer still hadn’t peaked through the envelope, but he was burning with anticipation to do so.
Spencer decided that he would make the best of this time off, and he could visit his mother. He bought a plane ticked for that same day, packed a bag with the envelope Penelope had left behind, and without letting anyone know, he left for Las Vegas, to see the only human being who could understand what he was going through.
“Hi mom” Spencer said entering the common room of the sanatorium Diana was on
“Spencer! How are you my honey” Diana greeted him with a warm hug, which he gladly accepted
“It’s been quite a while, but I’m alright” Spencer said, trying to hide the sadness on his eyes with a forced smile
“You should know better than to lie to your mother” Diana said, reading right through Spencer’s expression
“Everything’s messy mom, I… I broke off the engagement with y/n” Spencer spilled embarrassed of the whole situation, but confident his mom would have something wise to say
“You remember Mr. Knightley’s love confession to Emma?” Diana asked with a furrowed brow after a long pause, to take in her son’s words
“I cannot make speeches, Emma...If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more. But you know what I am. You hear nothing but truth from me. I have blamed you, and lectured you, and you have borne it as no other woman in England would have borne it.” Spencer recited by heart; after all, he had read that novel at least ten times as it was your favorite. You didn’t know this, but the reason Spencer kept rereading the novel was to take inspiration and make references only for you and a handful of Jane Austen fans could catch in your wedding vows
“That’s right my brilliant boy, you want to know why those simple words have so much impact?” Diana said, getting ready to lecture her son in both literature, and love “Because when you love someone so much, it doesn’t matter how many layers and walls they build, at the end you know the right way to unfold them. As well, loving someone isn’t just loving when it’s easy, or when it seems right, it also means holding on through tick, thin, fears, complications and messiness. May I add, words are unnecesary when there is so much love in between” Diana said offering her son a kind smile
“I don’t think she can forgive me, mom, I really screwed up this time… I’m sure she thinks I don’t love her, damn, I wouldn’t be surprised if she thinks I never loved her in the first place” Spencer rambles exasperated by the whole situation his insecurities caused
“I’m sure she knows its bullshit, at the end of the day you love her; she’s a smart girl, she’ll figure it out just as I could tell you were trying to lie to my face” Diana said with a chuckle
“I’m sure she’s over me, she’s already dating a hot shot lawyer in San Francisco” Spencer said biting his lower lip
“It takes a lifetime to forget a great love, and lucky for you, that’s what you had; I’m sure you can get her back if you let go of your fears and put your heart on the line” Diana added cupping her son’s cheek
“I wouldn’t bet on it mom, I mean, I’ve put her through hell” Spencer said biting nervously the inside of his cheek
“Then bring her back from hell, just like Orpheus was supposed to bring Eurydice back” Diana said encouraging her son to follow his heart
“Do you believe I’m hard to love?” Spencer asked his mother in a serious tone, in hope she could calm down all his fears, and put to rest the voices in his head telling him it was not worth it
“I believe you are extraordinary, and that loving you is one of the greatest pleasure in life, of course, life comes with its ups and downs, but love is worth every single bump you encounter on the way” Diana said, convincing Spencer that he should fight for the one he loved, even if he was scared to death of doing so
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Spencer took another plane, this time it was bound to San Francisco; and he spent the whole plane ride studying obsessively the envelope Garcia had put together of you and your life in Frisco, as she had previously referred.
The transition made a toll on you, and you seemed to be putting on extra hours in the field just for the sake of it, but Spencer couldn’t shake away the feeling of pride that fluttered all around his chest as he reviewed your accomplishments. You seemed to be living on the bay area, and Spencer couldn’t stop the butterflies from fluttering as the pilot announced they were about to land in the airport. Suddenly, everything seemed real: the losing you, the never-ending love he still harvest on his heart for you, how much he had screwed up, the anxiety building over as the chance of rejection became a possibility. Sure, Spencer had come out of jail a changed man, but right now, he felt as anxious and vulnerable as the lanky Doctor with glasses he used to be when he first entered the BAU. What was he even supposed to do? Spencer Reid wasn’t used to winging things, but for the first time in his life, he boarded a plane without having an actual plan of what to do when he landed, and that was freaking scary.
He decided it would be creepy to just show up at your door, considering he knew your address by the information Penelope had given him when she visited, and he did not want to freak you out. Maybe he could hang nearby where you lived, until he either worked up the courage to talk to you, or he came up with an excuse that wasn’t pathetic to explain why he was so many miles away from home. A hotel! Suddenly Spencer thought he also needed to book a hotel or at least, find a place where he could spend the night. After reading a more than a couple of yelp reviews, the young Doctor found a hotel close enough to your home that he could get there by walking, but with enough distance to be considered respectful, or at least he thought so.
“For fucks sake, Spencer, you really need to come up with a hell of an excuse to be in San Francisco” Spencer muttered to himself as he was getting installed into the hotel room. After a couple of hours of pacing around in the room thinking, crafting, and tossing at the trash at least fifty excuses for him being in California, he decided it was about time to get something to eat.
He settled on a Thai place that was a couple of blocks away from his hotel, and as he was devouring his Tom Yum Goong, and suddenly he felt like he was about to choke on his soup: he heard your laugh. The same laugh that had been haunting his dreams for the past month, that one laugh he could recognize in a room full of noise, the laugh he would trade his lat breath of air, just to be able to hear at least one more time. The room started spinning and Spencer, a known rambler, suddenly was at a loss of words.
“Spencer?” he heard you calling him from the other side of the room, and for a second, Spencer Reid knew exactly why sailors found their death as soon as they heard the mermaid’s lullabies; but while he was thinking about drowning on the dulcet sound of your voice, a naughty piece of shrimp decided to block his airways and he started coughing
“Oh my god! Spencer, are you okay?” you rushed over to his side trying to help him, oblivious that your presence only made it harder for him to breath
“Excuse me, honey, let me handle this” Dylan, your new… situationship (?) said, holding Spencer and practicing the Heimlich Maneuver on the Doctor
If Spencer was struggling to find a good excuse for being in San Francisco, he better come up with something good, because this was deficiently the most embarrassing moment of his life; it was official, he has reached a new low point and he couldn’t wait for the earth to shatter under his feet and just swallow him.
“Hello y/n” Spencer said with a raspy voice as soon as he could breath
“Spencer! Hi, hello” you said, completely confused and shaken up by the situation that you just witnessed
“Are you okay, bro?” Dylan intervened, taking you out of the trance of what was going on in front of you
“Yes, I’m alright, thank you…” Spencer said, with his eyes glued to you
“I’m Dylan, Dylan Brown” Dylan said offering his hand to Spencer
“Spencer doesn’t…” you started speaking when you were interrupted
“I don’t shake hands, with the amount of pathogens you could get from a handshake is actually safer to jut kiss” Spencer cut you off “I’m Doctor Spencer Reid, nice to meet you” he said holding his hand up and waving a little
“Oh… I didn’t know we were in official business” Dylan said with a chuckle “District Attorney Dylan Brown, at your service” he continued flashing his winning smile, giving Spencer a weird feeling, maybe… jealousy? Whatever it was, definitely was the reason Spencer couldn’t spare a laugh for the person who pretty much just saved his life
“What are you… Why’re you here? I mean… Are you here on a case or something?” you asked, noticing how uncomfortable both Dylan and Spencer where with the situation
“I… I’m here to… yes! Actually I’m here consulting on a case” Spencer decided to lie, in order to preserve his last shred of dignity, little did he know…
“Oh really? That’s so weird, considering you’re on medical leave” you said cutting through his bullshit, okay, he didn’t know was it was possible, but somehow Spencer Reid started from the bottom, just to somehow sink even deeper
“How did you? How do you even know about the medical leave?” Spencer said, taking you off from the higher horse you pretended to be
“I didn’t… I mean… Garcia happened to mention something” you stuttered, as you refused to admit you had been checking up with Penelope, just to know how Spencer was doing
“Honey, we should go back to our table” Dylan once more intervened the staring contest that was going down between Spencer and you
“You should join me, actually, let me invite the two of you dinner, after all, I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for Dylan’s amazing technique of the Heimlich Maneuver” Spencer said with a hint of sarcasm, and you knew this night was bound to end in disaster
“We don’t want to impose” you rushed to reply
“Please, I insist, I’m just so shaken up by everything that went down” Spencer decided to play the victim, and you knew you were screwed
“Come on y/n, we can’t leave him all alone after his brush with death” Dylan said, unknowingly sealing the night’s fate, as he was taking a seat
“Thank you so much, to the both of you” Spencer started speaking, with his eyes piercing fierily into your own
“So you guys know each other?” Dylan tried to make sense of the situation
“Oh, yes, we used to work together, back in Virginia” you rapidly intervened to avoid Spencer giving away too much information
The dinner proceeded uneventful, but you couldn’t put your finger quite on it. There was something off with Spencer; the vibes weren’t vibing, and as much as you wanted to focus on Dylan, there was something magnetic pulling you towards Spencer, or maybe it was those damn profiler skills you couldn’t just push to the back or your mind, either way, you knew you had to stop it.
“I’m sorry for cutting this short, but I was just called into the office, apparently there’s an emergency” Dylan said checking his phone after ordering dessert
“Oh, let me come with you, maybe I can help” you said, thanking God, the universe or something for the way out
“Please don’t, you guys should really catch up, but I’ll text you when I get to the office, just so you don’t worry” Dylan said placing a kiss on the top of your head, making Spencer’s stomach flip “It was lovely to meet you Spencer, I hope this isn´t the last we see of each other” he added taking his coat, gifting the doctor a kind smile and walking away from the table
“What the hell are you doing here?” you asked angrily as soon as Dylan went through the door
“I needed to talk to you” Spencer replied with a calm tone that was making your blood boil
“What do you want to talk about Reid? I think enough was said in Virginia” you scoffed
Spencer was a man of many words, unfortunately, at this very moment his brain was a mush and even if he wanted to, he was unable to string two sentences together. Seeing you made quite a number on him: his hands were sweaty, his head was spinning, his back was shivering, his pupils couldn’t focus, his stomach was in knots, and he was almost certain this is what a stroke feels like.
“So? Why are you really here?” you asked once more with an exasperated expression
“I…I…” he was choking again, this time just tripping with his own words
“Whatever you are playing, I want no part on it, I already lost enough with you” you said with a sober tone
“I’m in love with you, I fucked up, but I’m here to promise I’ll do everything in my power, actually I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to you” Spencer rambled and you couldn’t help but laugh at the situation
“You’re a madman if you think you can just come here out of the blue, say that you love me and everything will be forgiven” you said, this time taking your own coat and leaving Spencer alone in the restaurant
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What the hell was wrong with Spencer Reid
That sentence was all you could think of on your way back home.
Did he really think he could show up in San Francisco, declare his love to you and what? You were supposed to come back to him? Even if your heart lowkey fluttered when your eyes first met his at the restaurant, he was being a complet ass and it was totally unacceptable. As you were getting ready to go to bed, your head was spinning, thinking about Spencer was not an option, but somehow the whole encounter kept poping into your head.
You tossed and turned on your bed, untill the clock on your bedside marked 2:20 am, and you knew there was only one person in the whole world who could help apeace your mind; the very same person that was the reason of your sleepless night.
“Hey, it’s me” you whispered as soon as Spencer picked up the phone
“Hello y/n, having a rough time sleeping?” you could hear Spencer’s husky voice on the other side of the line
“I think I’m ready to talk, and I’m guessing you already know where I live, so please come” you said, hanging up the call without giving him enough time to give you an answer
Fifteen minutes after the short phone call, Spencer was buzzing on the intercom of your apartment bulding; and no more than five minutes after that he was already knocking on your door.
“Please come in” you said, opening the door for him
“Thank you so much for having me over, I really need to talk to you” Spencer rambled as he was closely inspecting your apartment. There was something about the place, that somehow made it all feel like home even if it was on the opposite end of the country, althought deep down, he knew it wasn’t something, it was someone
“Please take a sit, and you better have a hell of an explanation to be here in San Francisco, because I’m not buying the idea that you’re here because you love me” you said, sitting on the couch across from where Spencer was standing
“I made a mistake, when we were in Quantico” Spencer started and you couldn’t help but cut him off with a sour smile, as your eyes starterd to accumulate tears. Sure, you had done everything in your power to just shove down the feelings to the bottom of your heart, and somewhow you were succedeing, but having the man you once loved, speaking about the most painful day of your life wasn’t easy
“If you’ve come here to state the obvious, you can just save your breath” you scoffed, trying to avoid his gaze
“I need you to hear me out, please” Spencer pleaded, and your heart couldn’t help but shatter a little with the amount of hurt that was accumulated both in his eyes, and his voice
“Alright, you got the floor to speak, but you can’t blame me for thinking this is riddiculous Spencer, you broke me, you had me all for yourself, and you decided to just… leave me” you said, feeling the tears roll down your eyes
“I got scared” Spencer said quietly, almost as a whisper
“Why were you afraid? I loved you with everything in me and more! There was no reason for you to doubt me!” you said, feeling both the pain and the anger building up in your throat
“I never doubted you! I was just… I was so afraid of something terrible happening to you… I just thought it’d be best to keep you away from me” Spencer replied, lowering his gaze
“What are you even talking about? You were afraid of something terrible happening to me? That’s why you decided it would be a good idea to just break my heart? Shatter all my dreams? Destroy the life we had planeed together?” you asked and Spencer couldn’t help but run his hands trough his hair in exasperation
“I don’t know how to explain this to you without sounding like a madman, or a religious freak; specially because I’m a man of science, but, please undertand me, statistically, all the people that I’ve loved either end up dead or terribly hurt” Spencer said and a chukle left your mouth before you could even realize
“Are you kidding me Spencer? Are you seriously telling me that you left me because you were somehow scared that you are cursed?” you asked in disbelief
“I’m not saying that I’m cursed! All I’m saying is that… I don’t know what I’m saying but I was trying to protect you! I love you so much, I’d hate myself if something happens to you because of me” Spencer pleaded. Sure, you knew it was wrong to laugh about people’s fears, and that everyone copes individually as they can, but this was just riddiculous to you
“Spencer, I work on the FBI with children and human traficking, I’m aware, actually, I’m certain that my name figures in more than one hit list, but that doesn’t stop me from living my life” you said, and you couldn’t help but feel that maybe if Spencer had the guts to talk about his feelings and fears out loud before, you wouldn’t be in this messy situation, hell, you’d probably even still be engaged
“I… I know that, and I’m so proud of you, and of your work but I… I couldn’t bear the thought of something happening to you, and just not being able to protect you” Spencer added
“Let me get this straigth, you were so afraid of losing me, you decided to just leave me?” you asked with an ironic tone as another laugh scaped your lips
“I mean… if you put it like that, I guess I did” he said, with a small chuckle
“Besides, how dare you think is romantic leaving me safe and stranded? Do you have any idea how much I cried over you? How many days I couldn’t sleep just wondering where did we go wrong? My God, Spencer! We almost had it all, I love you with everything in me and you just… let me go” you added with a bitter tone, as you tried to comprehend the Doctor’s train of thought
“I genuenly believed I was doing what was best for you” Spencer said without meeting your eyes
“Spence, you can’t live with the constant fear that something terrible is just going to happen, I understand that with our line of work sometimes even existing is complicated, but, you have to be brave” you said with a softer tone, trying to get Spencer to understand how out of pocket hhis fears were
“I’m sorry, I’m so so sorry, if I could just somehow take it back, I would, I… I guess my anxiety got the best of me” Spencer said, this time with an embarrased tone
“Yeah, I imagine, but, as you know, that’s just not possible you” you added with a small smile, almost a pitty smile, because you counldn’t believe how unserious Spencer’s reason to call off the engagement was
“If you let me, I’ll make it up to you for the rest of my life, I don’t care how much time I have to wait, I don’t even care if I have to move to San Francisco just to be with you! I’ll do anything, I’ll even marry you right here, right now, but please, give me another chance. Not a day goes by that I don’t love you! Hell, I even think I love you more today than I loved you yesterday, altough it’s not gonna be as much as I’ll love you tomorrow of the day after that” Spencer rambled, and you could feel your heart ache, for a whole month all you wanted, all you wished for was Spencer saying those words to you, but hearing them, now you were scared out of your mind
“I… I don’t think I can do this again, Spence” you said with a low voice
“Please y/n, I’ll do anything, I know deep down you still love me, maybe not as much as I love you, but it’s okay because I have so much love, I’ll just love you for the two of us” Spencer said with his eyes filling with tears
“I’m scared Spencer, how do I know you won’t jump ship again as easily as you did it last time?” you asked almost with a whispered. You figured out that if you were going to break his heart, at least you’d be straighfordward and honest
“I understand that you don’t trust me, or that’s scary, but you just told me that I can’t let my fears control my life… please, take a leap of faith with me” Spencer said stepping closer to the couch were you were sitting
“I don’t… I don’t know how, I already gave you my all once” you said, curling up on your couch like a wounded puppy
“Then let me prove to you that I mean it when I say I’ll give you my all, let me show you how serious I’m about spending the rest of my life with you” Spencer pleaded, taking your hand into his “I love you so much, I vow I won’t let anything come between us again, I don’t care if I have to fight a curse, a thousand unsubs, hitmen or whatever life throws at our way, I promise I’ll always stand by you… If you need to cry, I’ll be your shoulder, if you need protection, I’ll be your shelter, if you need to lean on, I’ll be your rock, but please, let me be everything and anyrthing you need” he added with teary eyes
“You get one chance, and we have a shit ton of things to figure out, but I swear if you screw up one more time, I’ll personally make sure to destroy you” you said with a teassing smile, and Spencer coulnd’t help but chuckle and plant a swee kiss on your lips
“I promise I’ll spend the rest of my life making sure I don’t screw up again” he said, and you gave hijm another kiss
You knew it would be messy, and even a little embarrasing to anounce, but your heart somehow intertwined perfectly with Spencer’s. You knew you loved him with everything in you and somehow, you were convinced by his words aboout how much he loved you. At the end of the day, love is a bet, and you knew Spencer Reid was banned from every casino in Vegas because he was an expert on statistics, so maybe, with his head and your gut, the two of you’d find a way for your love to work out.
#spencer reid#spencer reid x reader#spencer reid x you#spencer reid x y/n#spencer reid x fem!reader#spencer reid imagine#spencer reid fluff#spencer reid fanfic#spencer reid oneshot#spencer reid scenario#spencer reid drabble#spencer reid fic#spencer reid fanfiction#dr spencer reid
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ok so this is a question that i wish was discussed more in other spicy spaces without getting either too careful or too obviously an expression of people's unrealistic fantasies. what do you think attracts will to mike, both in terms of emotional and physical attraction?
there's lots of discussion about mike's attraction to will because that's thought to be what we need more of in the show, and people are happy to talk about will's physical attributes like his ass. but when will's attraction to mike is discussed, its always in the context of emotion and love and friendship becoming romantic, but never physical. there's not much in the way of will's fantasies or him being allowed to have a purely physical aspect to his love for mike, which is so sad to me because it reflects the thematic castration of will in the show (@therainscene did a great post on this about the lack of posters and sexuality in will's room etc).
i personally think the dnd alter egos give lots of hints about why will is emotionally attracted to mike, but at the same time, physicality and presence is a huge part of medieval/roleplay, so Will MUST have thought about mike's physicality in his fantasies, surely?
i wonder if there's not a lot of spec on this because people find there to be a dissonance between finn/mike's body and what they think mike's character represents in the show to a negative degree? whereas for will, even though his muscle development isnt **exactly** in line with will's character, society considers muscles to be a good thing so the change doesnt upset anyone. (not to say muscular men can't be sensitive, but the duffers probably would have chosen him to remain more delicate if they had a choice)
i personally think that mike's awkwardness due to finn's physicality has always been present and a big part of what makes the show so endearing, esp in s1. its only because there's an expectation for blockbuster scale epic fight scenes now, big music, big action, that people start to think mike needs to be this Baddie. I like the idea of him having a moment, but i dont need him to be wielding a sword like a badass and Looking Cool 24/7. Mike isnt traditionally cool, i need him to stay that a nerd lol.
maybe this is also why i think there would be something so powerful about a byler sex scene, because the more awkward/realistic/nerdier the better? it doesnt need to be traditionally sexy, but it WOULD be sexy just because of the fact that it would be mike and will and them getting together is intrinsically sexy.
i hope this makes sense lol sorry for the essay
EXCELLENT TOPIC! So many good points. You're absolutely correct about all of this - there is a definite line it seems, with more focus given to how Mike views Will, versus what made Will develop feelings and attraction to Mike, beyond the "we're best friends and I want you in my life forever"-ness of it all. I love talking about what Mike loves about Will, but let's hype up the other side of this coin.
This may sound so odd, but I genuinely think some of the times it's forgotten in general spaces that Will is gay? And what that actually means. Like he's a gay guy. Who is attracted to men and ultimately want to be intimate with men (even if in present time, this want is being internally and externally denied). And Mike is a man (big juicy can of worms re: the gnc debate, save that for another essay, but I think my stance is visible between the lines here) and Will wants him. We all saw how Will looked at Mike in the desert. Dirty, white t-shirt probably transparent in spots from sweat, heaving breath as he did all the work shoveling for his boy bestie. Will doesn't have to lift a finger. Will gets to pretend to move several grains of sand around. Will looks at Mike with lust in his eyes. That is the boy he's grown up with and had been crushing on as a kid, that's the guy he's fallen in love with. And Mike has grown up. Still awkward, but developing into someone that Will not only wants to spend forever with, but wants intimately.
I like to imagine them as kids, maybe around the age they are introduced to us as in s1. What are they, 12? It's been awhile, but I remember being 12. I remember my first crushes, and they happened even earlier. Will has several male friends - each with their own appealing attributes. I think any of the party could be cute to a young, sexually confused nerd. But Will crushes on Mike. His first friend, the face he can imagine perfectly when he closes his eyes, able to draw him from memory because our boy is an artist. Little Will, drawing in sketchbooks from the early years. Why is it so important that he gets the shape of Mike's lips just right? Why are his eyes the best eyes he's ever drawn? Why does he spend so long perfecting a technique to capture the dark swoops of his best friend's hair? He's caught himself staring too long at Mike's mouth on occasion. He's caught himself suppressing a shudder when Mike's arm is so casually thrown around him, holding him close. He smells like a boy. He likes that a lot more than whatever girls douse themselves with. Uh oh.
Mike is not conventionally attractive. Neither is FW, either. Not to say he's bad looking (I find him very very attractive), but honestly - he's different. He's not like the cookie cutter Ken, the action figure, the Hollywood poster boy. He's got unique features and is awkward in his own skin. I don't think girls (and closeted guys) at Mike's school are falling at his feet. As opposed to Jason, the All-American Juxtaposition. Jason - classically and cliche-handsome, the prototype boyfriend for the prototype cheerleader. If Will was at Hawkins High that year, I'm sure he'd give Jason a passing glance. He's an attractive man. Will's heart can belong to one and his eyes can appreciate attractive people in his vicinity. But Mike. Mike. Slightly taller, his protective personality bleeding into his physicality. I can see Will being into the protectiveness as a physical manifestation. Mike can maneuver him, can probably hug him tight and lift him up. He's not some action hero, or a muscled heartthrob but he's not as pathetic as fanon so pretends. I don't think he's gonna be an over powered badass by any means, but he can wield a sword and try and even if he's not that great at it. He's not hesitant. And clearly Will knows this. He painted it. He's into it. Mike, able to lead them into battle. Mike, awkward but endearing and strong. Mike with his big hands and lean muscles and that mouth that Will's eyes are drawn to like magnets and he hopes he's not as guiltily obvious as he feels when he watches his best friend orbit around him.
He may hide his attraction to men, with no posters of them on his walls. Diverting his eyes when he notices an attractive man in public. But he has music and cinema. Albums and magazines and movies. Mike looks more like the men in his favorite bands than the men playing professional sports. Bowie is so much cooler. He's odd, he's different. He's hot. Will likes the unconventional and he likes the familiar things that make him feel good and safe. Mike makes him feel safe. Oh, how he wants Mike to make him feel good.
Will had a crush on his best friend, when he first started being plagued with the realization that boys were cute. Will fell in love and when he re-met his best friend in the airport - his friend has grown up hot. He's pissed off and heartbroken that they haven't reached out to each other more, but he can't keep his eyes off Mike. He's dreamed about him and sketched him from memory so many times before Spring Break - but in the flesh? Everything and more. Will wants him.
#asks#whewwww a long one#love love love this topic#spicy byler#not tooooo spicy but still hesitant for the main tag I guess 😬😘
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So about that DETECTIVE COMICS #1084...
As a big Shiva fan, I really, really liked that. Maybe my favorite issue with her since Hill's Outsiders run. I made a thread in another site about it but I liked that issue so much that I'm gonna take a sec to repost it here too, so hit that jump if you wanna read an in-depth analysis of 'Tec #1084... or at least, its backup feature!
I'm kinda kidding, I actually enjoyed the main story too. I liked seeing Bruce and Talia reunited in a very touching moment of romance that gives way to grim tension as the unfortunate complications of the strange and violent world they live being to slowly rip them apart once more... and then Shiva happens. For one panel and in a flashback but it was really fun to see Talia call her a friend for a bunch of reasons.
The most serious one is that I genuinely think that, given enough room to work with, Talia and Shiva could be a very compelling pair. Shiva is known to be interested in people who are in a state of flux, who find themselves in crossroads trying to figure out where their true path really lies. And Talia, for better or worse, has been there for, like... years now. I've always thought that Talia, endlessly torn between her love for Bruce, her love for her father, and her love for the world, might even find something tempting about Shiva's absolute detachment, about her comparative freedom from all connections. Which would be fun to explore.
The other reason comes from the issue's backup story by Alex Paknadel and Robbi Rodriguez, which I didn't expect at all but ended up being a huge treat for me, since it aligned so much with a lot of what I consider the most interesting elements and perspectives in Shiva and Cass' relationship.
Right from the start, we have Shiva being able to read Cass and figure out what's wrong with her just from a couple of fighting moves, which I absolutely adore. What looks like a fight is really just them having a conversation, at least for Shiva, who is very quickly able to get at the deeper emotions troubling Cass and holding her back.
(Also, that one panel of Snake Style ThodThodThod's really made me smile. I love the idea of Shiva using stranger, more exotic martial arts than anyone else, especially in Gotham)
On my first read I wasn't really onboard with Shiva's words about not killing Cass, like there was something about them that didn't quite click, but after mulling them over for a while I feel like they can be read as Shiva intentionally picking at Cass' perfectionist nature and competitive spirit. It's less "I spared you and now you owe me" and more "You trying to be Batman makes you suck, here's why, now be better." But I might be reaching a bit there.
Still, it does work, which I really enjoy. I like Shiva being able to prod Cass into reaching deep within her, figuring out what's wrong and improving herself. And we get a lot of that in the next couple of pages, where Cass grapples with the Azmer while also grappling with her own nature. Cass' training with David is an extremely defining element of her character. It's her instincts, her mother tongue, her main method of expression, but it's also something that causes her a ton of inner turmoil, due to the intentions of that training.
Cass is presented in this story as someone inwardly ashamed by her nature, worried of the assassin skills that are weaved into her very nature and what that may say about her. Of course, this is something that Cass has been through before and has developed quite a bit, maybe even outgrown but with Batman dead and gone, it probably makes sense for her to lapse a bit back into self-loathing without that symbol to guide her and with her failure at trying to emulate it. Which I think is a very human thing to happen. Your worst traits are never really gone, and tend to slip back into you when you're at a low point.
Which is why I really like the last few panels of this story.
Although first, Shiva calling Talia an "associate" makes me giggle a bit. C'mon Shivs, don't be so tsun-tsun... anyway.
On the most basic level, we have Shiva offering Cass some solid advice that ties the whole story in a neat bow. But it takes on an even stronger quality when you remember this is Lady Shiva talking here. Shiva, who we know wants Cass to be more than just a Bat. Shiva, who understands the strength that comes from finding your own path and following it. Shiva, who maybe more than anyone knows exactly how strong Cass can be once she embraces all aspects of her own nature and finds harmony in herself.
From almost any other character, that last phrase would just be a nice little canned moral. From Shiva's lips, it carries the weight of decades of character work for both Cass and Shiva. It's a solid ending that's elevated by the history between its characters. It hits SO many of the notes I want to see, the things that I think make Shiva's relationship with Cass genuinely compelling. Shiva being able to "read" Cass through a fight, her wanting Cass to be herself more than anything else, and all of it unhindered by any kind of easy moral judgment from Cass or the story itself.
Shiva is not presented as a monstrous villainess who Cass must reject, but as her own character with her own story that happpens to cross with Cass' for a moment. And from Shiva, there's no berating Cass for being a hero or choosing not to kill. There is berating, sure, but it works because it speaks to something a lot more personal for both characters than generic notions of good or evil. It speaks about Cass' need to find and be herself and stick with it no matter what.
(Which this arc also touched upon a couple months ago in 'Tec #1082, which very elegantly made it clear that Cass had the heart of a hero before she even knew what a Batman was -- an incredibly powerful statement made in just two captions)
So this is a story that hits pretty much all the right notes for me. I wish it would hit them a bit longer, or in a few different ways that didn't involve Batman, but it's just a perfect example of most of the elements that I think make this relationship worth exploring. Even the fact that this makes it the sixth major appearance of Lady Shiva in a row that is ultimately dedicated to her relationship with Cass doesn't bother me because this is precisely how I want this relationship to be written. If they were all this good, I wouldn't even mind.
And on top of all that, this issue is also a good example of something I'm always thinking about: tempting as it is, you don't need to make every Shiva appearance be huge and bombastic and lead to some massive story arc. It can be something small but meaningful, a quick appearance with some very choice words, Shiva walking into an ongoing story to, in her own way, help others get through an inflection point.
If I had to say something I disliked about it, I do think it's a little blunt in its themes and execution. Paknadel has Shiva quite literally spell out the problem for Cass, which I guess is fine given how short the story is, but it does lose a bit of elegance because of it. Still, it was a great little treat and while I know Ram's 'Tec run is coming to its end, I do hope he'll find a place for one last bit of Shiva in it.
And I also hope he gets to write her for more than just one wordless balloon because Ram V's Lady Shiva is a dream book in my book.
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fairest of the fair
#hi! im alive and back and etc.#six the musical#six the musical fanart#katherine howard#thinking of that post going 'i think eventually you become the person you needed most' and like maybe that's the thing with my art#this started out as a redraw and <improvement meme> i think i've finally reached the stage where i'm making the things that my younger self#aspired to create. like i can do this now! i've reached That level of technical skill! tiny me would be so proud. it's very gratifying#redraw from august this year actually. i've made a surprising amount of improvement HAHA maybe it was the adamandi stuff getting me#back into digital rendering. i think that obsession has quietly slipped away but yknow. one never truly leaves a fandom. just less intensit#also speaking of old fandoms! we're back with the six stuff haha. as of writing i'm in the midst of blog revamp- figuring out how to chill#multifandom status doesn't mean ditch all the old stuff ! but i do feel much freer and less stressed. i think hiatus has been good for me#notes on this piece particularly: redraw about cutting hair and thinking of the lyric above. also lowkey &j ref + pinterest poem excerpts#of female suffering. and maybe a dash of amanda heng let's walk inspo. this work is really just full of contradictions..#1. the mirror and cutting hair as an act of self liberation 2. the & is part of the lyric but also a nod to &j (in another iteration it was#pink but the white looked better) and like. &j is really all !!! girl power!!! etc. and i was like hmmmm. also matching pink shiny aes#3. the frame as a cage; the mirror as a self reflection idea (ie. saville's propped insp) but also as a sign of vanity. 4. sparkly costume#and pretty pose- read one too many poems about women feeling like they have to be pretty even in their suffering. something i wanted to#explore. and also in 5. the show itself... all you wanna do is. despite all the dancing and pink and sparkly the content of the song is#darker. and even though it's a story of her suffering it's still presented as a shiny fun pop song and ajshdhfhfh ok... 6. the lyrics fall#outside the frame. sort of a caught inbetween. sort of a trapped in the narrative and yet#within the frame it's all. vaguely handwavy breaking free vibes. like i said contradictions?#7. cutting off the long ponytail vs the pull my hair lyric at the end. yeah#8. the blocked off & looks a bit like scissors. positioned to cut right at the neck#anyways yeah irl remains hectic! but if i get around to more doodles they'll appear here :)
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they werent lying that knuckles series barely has knuckles in it
#i pirated that shit Btw just so we're clear. also gonna talk about it a little bit in the tags#nothing too spoilery but also might not wanna read if you want to go in knowing absolutely nothing? idk#anyway he WAS a main character still he was present for a decent amount of the first couple episodes#but the amount of screentime he gets just starts dropping after that . hes barely there at all in the second half ???#and it feels like theres a lot of scenes mostly focusing on wade and his problems and not near as many for knuckles and his whole deal#overall it feels more like a wade show with knuckles in it than a knuckles show with wade in it. which sucks#and human characters having plot relevance isnt the problem here i dont mind human characters at all i think they can be really fun#its the fact that the human characters are taking over the story and spotlight when the show is called knuckles#and all the marketing makes it look like knuckles is the main focus#and i also would have preferred if they just went with a differnet character to be knuckles' human friend#because i dont particulraly care about wade. and the knuckles (and sonic and tails) i know would not be friends with cops </3#well at least the story wasnt knuckles training wade to be a better cop like a lot of people were expecting but thats like.the bare minimum#also aside from the issues relating to knuckles' screentime (or lack of screentime) i thought the ending was unsatisfying#regardless of all that though there WERE some parts i enjoyed or found kind of funny or whatever. because knuckles so cutesy as always#knuckles being a cute little guy is the most important part of the show actually#and i liked the parts with sonic tails and maddie even if they were only there for like 5 minutes#(i really wish those three had gotten more screentime. i feel like they could have easily worked in at least one more scene with them)#and its a minor thing but the opening sequence is cute. was honestly expecting just a title card or something#overall the show is just . kind of okay i guess. not the worst thing ive ever seen but still disappointing ? idk how to explain..#my expectations also werent very high in the first place#so maybe im being a bit more generous than i would have been otherwise. idk#and i definitely would not recommend this to anyone who already dislikes the sonic movies . youll probably hate this more#like people who thought the human characters got too much screentime in the second movie would lose their minds if they saw this
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my opinion on season 11 is that ian and mickey were all over the place from episode to episode and i ultimately wasn’t very happy with where it ended for them
#just felt kind of incomplete and boring in terms of their getting an apartment arc#like mickey was still genuinely very unhappy about it and they just left it like that?#and obviously i didn’t love how they did the terry stuff.#i think. there’s something to it because you can never truly predict how you’re gonna feel about something like that#even if it’s a piece of shit who you truly hate like. feelings happen.#and that could have been interesting to explore but it wasn’t done in a way that felt interesting#it just felt like a waste of time when we could’ve been doing other stuff with their screentime#and the beginning was so good i was having sooo much fun when ian was like yeah let’s steal an ambulance and yes we can have guns again.#let’s fuck in the ambulance. etc.#that was so hot and then they ruined it both in that scene that i wanted to SEE and with where they took the story after#like how quickly ian jumps back to ‘well we won’t do crimes then :)’ i thought he was having FUN doing crimes#like are they still doing their security shit? are they still working with stolen equipment?? i want them to do crimes :(#(when i lay it all out like that i’m like perhaps ‘ian being exited about doing crimes’ is not a Good Sign for him. but#it really wasn’t presented that way in context. like i don’t think that’s what they were going for there#and he can be doing better and still have fun doing stupid shit#a la their little outing before he got arrested by the military#yes that was like. 5 years earlier but i’m still like what happened to THAT ian he got boring#and i’m not saying like. him being healthy is boring. i’m saying let him be healthy and also have fun.#anyway.)#also like. signing a lease on the spot against mickeys wishes. kind of fucking impulsive and reckless. but no it’s bc he wants#to have a better life or whatever so it’s fine.#idk i just want to see them steal shit and fuck in an ambulance#and i mean like OVERALL ian has not been as much of a Crime Guy as others. certainly not compared to mickey#like he’s DONE crimes obviously but not in a. it’s his lifestyle way. i guess?#so idk why i’m like i want him to go BACK to that if that wasn’t exactly what he was doing in the first place#but he LIKES doing shady shit with mickey and having fun and idk why they bothered showing us that#if they were gonna drop it by the end of the season that i can only assume they knew would be the final season#it just felt like they didn’t know what to do with the two of them all season and they ended the season in a less satisfying place#than they started#r.txt
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sorry if I don’t remember your name or conversations/experiences or basic things about myself, every few weeks my brain gets factory reset and I have to relearn how to be alive
#lighthearted but also serious bc what is going on here buddy#been feeling weird as hell these past few months#like I can remember some stuff… but it doesn’t feel normal to forget the names of anyone I haven’t seen/heard the name of in a few days#or forget about basic interests and personality traits and experiences and feel like a blank slate every day#idk like ultimately life goes on and I’m happy to live in the moment but it would be nice to understand why my brain is doing this#just thinking#meposting#I think my brain just. does this sometimes when I’m stressed. which is annoying#I recall (lmao) feeling similar during earlier parts of life so this isn’t *new* it’s just unexpected and much more disruptive as an adult#I’m feeling better about it than I was. after like. acknowledging it. bc my mind has not always felt like a sieve it isn’t always this bad.#whatever#I’ll tag as dissociation just in case it’s related/reminiscent and ppl don’t want to see that#dissociation#me and her go way back… haven’t seen each other in years though#she wasnt all bad! coping mechanisms can provide relief and a sense of safety#and as far as coping mechanisms go it’s not the most unhealthy. though it ranks high in ‘socially stunting’#I kind of miss the distance sometimes to be honest everything’s just So Much all the time#I’m so solid now#so stuck in the ruts of capitalism#fuck capitalism#I wish my imagination didn’t feel so dulled#sorry I love talking#and I don’t miss dissociation when I feel mentally present because I feel so Here with the people and things I love but rn?#it’s like a lose-lose bc I am not Here nor am I untethered. I’m heavy yet hold nothing#I enjoy being dramatic/poetic about it — I feel pretty fine. I just hope this isn’t a permanent and/or long-term state of existence.#like it makes me awful at my job I went from remembering a solid amount of the student body’s names (built up over a few years) to. like 5.#overnight it felt like. like Stressful Thing happened and I went to work and I couldn’t remember anyone’s names.#can’t believe I have to start from fucking scratch AGAIN I’d be better off quitting and working at a different school#bc at least then my lack of knowledge/remembering is justified rather than strange and seemingly rude#I’m getting better now but at the beginning of this it was blue screen in my brain all the time
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2023 reads / storygraph
Natural Outlaws and Fractured Sovereignty
NA darkish fantasy
A thief and her friend who steal from the rich to save her dying father are caught, and offered a deal by the Governor for her father’s life and their freedom, if they travel to another country to steal from the royal treasury
she has to impersonate a noble lady and compete to become the arrogant king’s new spouse, staying in the competition long enough to figure out a way to pull off their heist, with her friends as undercover servants and the Governor’s assassin watching over her as a handmaiden
Aro bi MC & he/they nonbinary MC who become a QPR, lesbian and ace trans man SCs
#Natural Outlaws and Fractured Sovereignty#aroaessidhe 2023 reads#Overall I enjoyed this!#It’s very much like. typical fake royalty/heist/competition YA-NA kind of narrative BUT without romance which honestly I can get behind#It’s a bit messy in places - especially the start and end where it’s not within the main fake-royalty-heist plot#It very much starts with an almost suicide attempt and she talks him down and then they’re friends and thieving together#It’s not quite apparent how long has passed until later when it mentions they’ve been friends for two years#I think it would have been much better to just start in the present and then flashback to that scene at some other point.#Also the POVs are quite inconsistent - she has most of the POV he just has one every now and then when it’s plot relevant#Which makes starting the book on his POV feel odd.#It definitely skips over action or pivotal moments like. a lot. like most of what should be the most pivotal action scenes lol#(If you’re looking for a heist in here most of the plot is faking royalty & gathering info but the Actual Heist is pretty much off page)#I feel like i could have had some more worldbuilding and about some of the side characters#the qpr is a bit show not tell. but also basically what you expect from the central relationship of this kind of book if it were a romance#BUT yeah overall I did enjoy this - and as I said I do appreciate This Sort Of Story But It Doesn’t Have Romance a lot!#And an aromantic MC! I think I didn’t have the highest expectations for this but I ended up having a good time.
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I feel so depressed for no reason. I don't know what to do. I feel like I've tried everything.
#i think talking with my psychiatrist put me in a worse mood#i was like on the verge of tears while talking to her#she said that she would have hoped that the new med im on would have started to make a difference by now#she also said that i always present myself the same way when i come into her office. apparently im distant and withdrawn#i try so hard to open up but im just so bad at putting how i feel into words#she said i never report feeling any better. which isnt even true but i also just havent been feeling much improvement lately#i feel like i do acknowledge the improvement i've made#like she has seen me at my lowest. she literally sent me to the hospital in june. then she was my doctor while i was in the hospital too#idk#i think im just like getting burnt out from all this therapy. ive been in higher levels of care (inpatient/residential/php/iop) since may#i just don't want to do anything. even things i have enjoyed in the past or have always wanted to do#im going to spain with my family on tuesday but i so just dont want to go even though ive wanted to go to spain for a long time#this kind of reminds me of when i wasnt looking forward to the taylor swift concert or my 21st bday#and that was because i was so suicidal. i worry that's how im going to feel again#i felt like i couldnt keep getting through each day which i feel now too#but i guess my suicidal thoughts are less constant and intense now even though they are still chronic#i remember that i literally could not focus on anything because my mind would just wander to thoughts about hurting myself#i remember the constant thoughts and urges...
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