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#I need to live with someone just for free I just can't deal with taxes or rent or anything...

nickywhoisi · 2 years

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HAAAAAAAHHH SO IT HAS BEEN A WHILE

Curently in a place where I can finally access battery for my phone, and internet. I really wish I didn't have this take so long, as I apparently...have an audience now? Who actually likes what I have to say and provide? O_O wowzers I am so unready for this love. But it is...you have no idea how welcome it is, to just be noticed by people. It has been ACTUAL AGES OF MY LIFESPAN before I was evr given a proper chance at healthy attention, and positive relations like this. I am so...overwhelmed, but for once, that's in a good way. For once, I can feel glad and good about it.

Which is especially importantin my life, as I have...kind of lost everything I had once known and valued, loved, in my life. My home many years ago that has only gotten worse over time with the strangers owning and tearing it up in ways I vould never even describe, the last places I had which were at least places I tried to relax and enjoy myself in and attempt to start my own life on my own terms, which didn't really happen as I wanted, even any other place which had a bath, private toiletry and no rent pay which was always more my speed of living to begin with, family that revealed their true ugly nature over time. Everything I ever knew got upended and I feel very driven insane. And in this year I was sickeningly and mercilessly kicked out, WITH NO FINANCIAL SAFETY NET OR FRIENDS OUTSIDE OR ANYTHING ELSE TO FALL BACK ON, MIND. I WAS LITERALLY THROWN OUT TO DIE BY THE ONE WHO WAS CALLED "MY MOTHER". But the truth is, I have never in my life had a real mother, or entire family, no matter how hard or how long I've been searching. And there were so....no, too much that happened inbetween then and these few months, up to this month, where I am officially homeless. I have already spent days sleeping outside and it has been both freeing, but terrifying. I can't enjoy the freedom while I've been scared of problems arising from being hit by weather storms. I have had to teach myself and macgyver so many things just to ensure unexpected things don't happen outside, and I still don't know what I'm going to do when I finally need a shower. The only funds I have left anymore are what I have to pay a storage, my phone data plan, and buy food ONLY. Anything else for survival, I have to either rely on what I already own or buy the cheapest possible to conserve money. I was so afraid that I would never have internet or power again and I wouldn't be able to contact you all or ever have fun again, but thank god there's been free wifi spots and charging stations set up in certain places so I can camp out. As fir sleeping, I only have one chair to lug around and it has been SO IMPOSSIBLY TIRING SOMETIMES but at least I have something with a hood over me, and the additional protection of building roofs. I almost...feel both the weakest I've evr been, and physically stronger everyday, and I am so damaged and driven insane with rage and grief and I wantto die because it has been truly unbearable to GO THROUGH ALL OF THIS AND STILL NEVERBE HELPED...RESCUED BY ANYONE. I...just want to be adopted by a good family and brought to a real good home, to stay forever, and forget I ever went through this. Truly start my life all over and begin it like it deserved to be.

So to anyone who has bothered to read this...my god, thank you. I did say once that I wanted to only save this blog for fun happy good things, but so far, my real issues and situations have bled through in my speech anyway, so I think there's no going back now. Now that you know my story, I desperately ask that someone help me out. I live in Canada, around 80ave, in a red chair with a little canopy cover on it. That's all I can really say safely, without being doxxed for my identity. I don't want anyone but the right people to find me now...just to help me, rescue me from this homeless, familyless, friendless, joyless hell I have to face now, without any choice of my own. But for once, I want my choices to matter, AND be finalized, unchanged, unchallenged, unstolen away from me. I AM SO TIRED AND DEAD. I WANT TO DIE EVERYDAY BECAUSE NOONE AND NOTHING IS ALLOWING ME TO LIVE, THE WAY I ONCE EARNESTLY WANTED TO. GOD, HELP. ME.

#yeah I am actually under all this #I am actually crazy...so driven crazy with nothing good in my life anymore #except this #Tumblr...just this place so far #But its not the same as a real house to live in and be safe #I need to live with someone just for free I just can't deal with taxes or rent or anything...#I am not equipped it's like I am a domesticated animal that's been thrown out to become a stray #Or dead #Dear god someone help me #I'm driven insane over all these....every single piece of negativity I have had thrown in my face #And I cannot take any more...yet things keep coming and it nevr stops and I can't take this death life anymore #help

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vashtijoy · 1 year

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I was wondering if it is possible that the surname "Akechi" is actually a pseudonym/alias . . . like, his celebrity name, and not the surname of his mother. I don't think the game ever hints at it but it came to me because Dietman and the Silent Requester uses the alias concept and my brain kinda automatically assumes everything in that mission has some kind of parallel to Akechi himself, and because it would make sense to use a different name (that he chose for himself) from his mother for his Detective Prince image, honestly. Do you think that's possible?

This is a fun one, but for myself, I think it probably isn't that likely. Ditto the idea that Akechi is mukoseki (essentially, unregistered at birth, which would have put him at a very significant disadvantage).

Akechi obviously has a life beside what we see. He's registered in high school and is participating in university entrance, all of which he might struggle to access if he was unregistered; he's presumably registered as "Akechi Goro" and not a second name unknown to us. He's remarkably high-achieving, which tells us that he hasn't just been parachuted into a (probably private, as he makes a big deal of earning his school fees) high school post-Shido; he was likely in a good middle school before that, through his own efforts. He tells us he obsessed about his grades so someone would want him. School will have been a big deal for him—up to a point.

He must have been registered with a doctor at some point, and so on. He will have taken standardised tests in elementary and middle school, and those tests will have needed a name, and have gone on file. By the point of canon, he's taken the national mock exams. By the time he's in high school, people do not know that he's an orphan, that he was an unwanted child, that he never had a father—he's successfully hidden it all. Which is a story in itself, if you ask me; a story which might suggest a successful change of identity—or simply that he got into private school, perhaps on a scholarship, and never told anyone his history. Yusuke mentions that his Kosei scholarship entitles him to a free place in a dorm; I like to think that Akechi, in middle school, may have benefited from something like this.

He also works in multiple fields—he must get paid by someone, even if Shido isn't paying him a yen. So he must have a bank account; he must pay tax on that income—two things Shido might certainly be able to help him with, if he saw fit. But even if Shido gave him the apartment he lives in and a credit card for his day-to-day expenses, there's still a lot going on, that that alias would have to take into account.

Shido is capable of a lot, but Akechi can't ask Shido for help establishing his anti-Shido alias; that would ruin the plot. He could, perhaps, strongarm people's shadows into doing things for him, changing things, forgetting him; we know he interrogates them. We never see him do any of that, but you could easily hypothesise it, and I wouldn't put it past him at all.

But in the days before the Metaverse, Akechi already has a lot of paperwork pointing to him; he's not a ghost, he hasn't fallen between the cracks; he's a boy with a life and a history. He's not somebody who can just start going by a different name—not without it raising questions, and drawing attention. Not without people looking up years later, when he's on TV, and saying "hey, that's <name>".

but mom

It seems to me that Akechi is just going by the same name he's had all along, perhaps because some part of him wants Shido to know who he is, perhaps because it's his mother's name, it's his name, and he doesn't want to cast it aside. But then why doesn't Shido recognise his name, like he recognises his face?

It's often said that Shido just doesn't remember people, but in fact he remembers Joker's name—he remarks on it when he sees the death certificate, though he doesn't know where he's heard it. He is doing the same thing Joker is, when he knows Shido's face, his voice, but can't place them.

My suspicion is that Shido just never knew Akechi's mother's name, and that Akechi knows that was the case, and why it would be the case. I think she was a sex worker all along, and that Shido was one of her clients; that, perhaps with the charm and cleverness her son would later show, she wormed her way into his good graces, as much of a mixed blessing as that would have been.

Akechi does not really say, for instance, that his mother and Shido "had a relationship"; he uses the word aijin, which is much more like a mistress, or plaything. Some boys at Shujin talk about how Shiho is going to be Kamoshida's next aijin after Ann. Shadow Okumura suggests to Cognitive Sugimura that he make Haru his aijin—"just take her as your lover". A couple of women on Harmony Alley laugh about becoming the aijins of politicians so they can be spoiled rotten. And Akechi says that his mother and Shido had an aijin kankei—an aijin relationship; she was his mistress, and when she became pregnant, she was dropped like a hot potato.

Akechi's mother might well have used a name that wasn't her own, for her work. She might well have gone only by a given name. That seems more likely to me than Akechi setting one up for himself.

is it a stagename?

One thing makes it very clear that "Akechi Goro" is not a stagename, even if it is an alias: Akechi is not famous at the start of canon, and so he has no need for a stagename. We watch the Detective Prince develop in realtime. And Sae, who's clearly known him awhile, knows him as Akechi; he hasn't adopted a different name for the screen.

could you do it anyway :|a

Absolutely. Go wild. You don't even have to think about this shit if you don't want to. That said, if I was writing this, I would probably face tweeny Goro with at least a few of these issues.

#persona 5 #p5 meta #goro akechi

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darkobssessions · 1 year

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Social Skills news flash/alert/realisation

Not building rapport or being able to go deeper with someone you just met, or even more crucial, someone you just met and moved in with, has dire consequences on the isolation scale, but also lifelong discrimination and difficulties. It's simply nightmarish to navigate.

And if there are multiple persons in that arrangement, the issue further compounds. There are so many unspoken rules and hidden things that hold certain spaces together, especially spaces that are unsafe to mask in, such as, the public eye, in public, openly to people you just met or have just begun living with, to abusive parents, to a previously undisclosed monster you are dating, to government officials.

What spell are you under?

I do not want to be willingly vulnerable but masking is exhausting, masking is taxing I want to be free to speak my mind, to truly speak my mind Most people do not understand my words when I unleash on the real unmasked talk of what I feel and sense, real dreams, real visions, so much high talk that people tune out and can't listen, I've been asked to change the subject so so many times, been told that was a cool party trick can we get back to the party?

Others have stood awestruck asked me to slow down, save it for later, possibly keep it a bit more quiet because I'm getting excitable and definitely not loud enough for the neighbours to hear please.

I keep it quiet and I keep it small.

But the world's a stage And I'm at the age where I was 28 for 2 years, our mind just decided I was 28 for 2 years and I realised I'm turning 30 this year I'm at the cusp of luminance But that neccessitates that I have to die the darkest deaths and bleed so loud and strong and for long. this life is too sweet, too fleeting, too deep, too meaningful, to meaningless, cruel and hard and dark and bitter and unfair, sweet and breezy and a whole fucking ride

you've loved, you've lost you've begged, you've prayed you've bled, you've played, you've trusted and got busted

sometimes replaying an entire loop your life is cycles and you can feel it and observe as it does that, and no matter how hard you try, you can't get out of that cycle they don't give you conventional 'medicine' and by medicine i mean wisdom

they have got medicine for you, but I'm afraid the only way that it is a cure is by means of eradicating your sensation of it being an endless cycle or simulation or worse and deeper and darker, and bolder and bigger and brighter- all the same you;ve got an endless antenna unto that world, so you don't take the pills.

It's just something that numbs. And dealing with all that numbness dumbs down, and I use dumb in the same way dampen, for instance something cushioning a heavy flow, or suppressing the sound from an instrument. I've been called dumb and insinuated stupid for quite some time now. Whereas before there was just dumb awe at what I had to say, or discomfort, now, I receive all kinds of responses ranging from sheer pity to shocking loss of human decency and manners.

When you get yelled at by a 40 year old woman on her property in the jungle and she's German American and you're Palestinian-Syrian/American and she's trying to make you feel like a 5 year old, in fron of other volunteers, then you don't really feel 5 years old, you feel very affronted that is what passes for social engagement as an adult with the world as an autistic woman, worse off than the men for many objective reasons like being foreign, naive in more specific and dangerous ways, unlikley to express distress or alert anybody to being afraid or unwilling to engage with something, more likely to hide the results of such ecounters gone wrong, more likely to suffer in silence and act out in more nad more extreme ways, but always directed at herself. This individual didn't get the support that she needed to navigate the world in a way that worked. She was sheltered, she was abused and she had very little emotional support and guidance. She absorbed everything from her environment from the moment of her conception, taking in the milky waves of discord and distress and abuse, weaving a picture of a vessel to take her body side. She succeeded to survive the next 29 years and 5 months and 13 days.

i will blame myself too for driving frantically to my intro to pole class with an amazing instructor I met last time who made me feel seen and supported and was able to guide me through different exercises. and also allowed me the space to experiment, not overcautioning me often about things to know or do as a beginner. Dreading leaving the house well in advance of the day of, and finally having a breakdown the day it arrived. Too tired, too foggy, too spaced out, too apathetic and numb and don't care, and please no more of that, no more of anything please, just nothing, nothing more, kindly no, no sir, not today, not anymore, not this, not now, JUST ABOUT ENOUGH I SAID.

And proceeded to slap on a sizeable amount of more of that stuff for myself by masking and pretending and generally prancing around unable to be seen by individuals that very much give me the vibe of we will be onto you if you tell us all your secrets but a. they very infrequently express any interest in what it is I am saying, making me feel like just trailing off into nothingess, they do not ask any follow up questions about statments I make in regards to be autistic or listing out of any difficulties, I hear 'you're fine' a lot and it is starting to make my head hurt a little. Like actually, no I'm not. Can we stop pretending, and also it's because I can't be my damn self in this room without making an energetic cringe the size of a continent My whole solo universe is full of these instances and I am at a loss what my interactions are doing to the people around me that puts up such a wall or parades ignorance about opics which, well, that might be the point actually. Not knowing about these things and thus projecting their own ideas or misconceptions? Anyway the whole thing is just a mess because it's not leading to infantilisation (which would be worse) but still nobody is being blunt and direct about their feelings and what they mean and what they're saying. I want this thing to change because, ever tired of the insect in a glass phenomena, want to step through the looking glass, part the veil and come out onto the stage to say my piece because I swear, that vision has been with me since time immemorial. The one I have and the other one closely related depict a very ecstatic dance of life upon a stage facing all forebearers and factions and creator and created observing the life of the one, wi7da, who unfurled herself for all of time so that she may experience what each synapse feels as it connects with another, a divsion so expansive she could find herself widely across it in many different ways and with many different people. Many different people at once, and I mean in the feeling of oneness with all of the cosmos to tell all these stories takes time, but she dances in ecstasy as if all that exists for her is one endless moment.

Time to step out soon, and maybe now to aid in that I'll actually deliver the nugget of information I promised at the beginning of this whole thing. The social skill that I could certainly use more of and am so glad I have just learned about is called the hello good morning good night trick. Without the overforced hellos and how are yous the barista certainly feels that you are not normal and feels taken advantage of (*courtesy of my sister who I am pretty didn't read that right either. I mean she says she felt embarrased being out with me so that's another development in the younger sibling department who's been living her own life for the last 6 years and also my best friend and biggest supporter. not living together and me realising about my autism about 2 years ago, and subsequently unmasking, is making me incomprehensible to her I'm afraid, and this is deep sarcasm. She actually told me that she saw the exact moment the barista shut down and she shot her a knowing glance to as if to say, yeah, I'm over here with stupid, I know how you feel and I apologse for the inconvenience. That shit stung, there's not sugarcoating that!). So with even more specificity, within the US there is a strong friendliness, greetings and customary how are yous culture. If you don't say those generally in the public, you are viewed as much more ostile. Haven't got the statistic for you right now, but I am sure it exists.

In what could be closer relationships, like people you just move in with, if they are also from the place you have just moved to, and even if they are not, it just depends on how tight knit their group, what pressures they are under or are exerting and whether or not they are interested. I've found here, things are prevented from going deeper by something as simple as you not being able to gather that every night at a certain time, obviously, it is bedtime. And they disappear on and up to their rooms. The day ends, days begin, people come in from places, they have routines too. If you don't ask about them or greet them good morning, or wish them a good night, they simply either think you are unfriendly or never get the opirtunity to go deeper with you. The question of whether they even want to go deeper is yet to be decided, it is a no as it stands now. I don't know that anything ever makes me close to my true self except standing before a room and teaching and being in the intimate space of the divine things are getting quite tedious I am awaiting my chariot outside the front door It's said in jest but seriously, please, where is the uplevel button that allows me to drive and navigate and succeed and arrive and engage and manage and function well in such a place? I think I don't want to fnction INSIDE of it.

I say I want to create a new one.

#personal #personal writing #memoir #autobiography #blog #journal entry #autistic #autistic ramblings #processing #writing #self regulating #letting my words speak #soothing my emotions #free flow #telling my story #unleashing my glory #taking you all with me #on a journey #LOVE MY FOLLOWERS

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dumbassphysict · 5 months

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Since capitalism clearly doesn't work and needs to be replaced, I thought I'd share some ideas I had for an alternative system. I'm not educated in political science or economics, so feel free to correct me and add on!

First off, universal income for those who need it. Doesn't matter if you're useful to society or not, you get a livable wage. This will help poor and disabled people be able to live and will give them a chance to be successful. Unions will be greatly encouraged!

Free market with a TON of rules for private companies to follow that ensure they pay their workers and do work ethically. Private companies will, instead of one ceo, have a borad of them along with an ethics committee that prevents unfair wages, the ceos giving themselves too much money, and to ensure humane work practices. This ethics committee will be provided by the government. The more your company makes, the more you're taxed. There will be anti-lobbying laws to prevent companies from having too much say in politics. Essentially the companies become democratic.

Federal Gov.

I think the three branch system can stay. A competence test needs to be passed to run for any political office. This test would contain moral problems, general literacy tests, and a few pages explaining what the person would do if they got into office and how they would accomplish it. It will be illegal to promise to do someone while campaigning to get more votes and not at least try to keep your word. The president can't wave criminal charges, but is still head of the military. Congress works the same but no political lobbying. They are paid the same amount as the general universal income. This will allow younger more financially unstable people to hold office. TERM LIMITS!! 2 terms for HoR and 2 for senate, if u served both your terms in one house you can still serve in the other. The suppreme court can serve 1 term of ~7 years. The suppreme court is voted in via popular vote. They will also need a competence test, along with proof of a PhD in law and experience being a judge. They are also required to pass a class that anilises the constitution in depth. To give less populated states more say, in the electoral college each state will vote in one representative and vote for the president. If the amount of states is even, congress will break the tie. The constitution will be rewritten every 10 years.

Education, prison, cops ect.

It will no longer be legal to use prisoners as slave labor. Prisons will also become rehabilitation centers. Committing a felony will no longer take away your right to vote. Your chance at getting work or anything will not be impeded by felonies, and if prisoners have served their time and have proven they have changed, their ability to work won't be messed with either. There will be major reforms in the police, mental health, and education systems. The number of police there are will be reduced, and they will have a ton more training on how to deal with mental health issues. They won't be able to discriminate against a community without losing their job. Their main priority will be to desolate violent situations, not make them worse. The education system will be properly funded, paying teachers well. Students won't just be allowed to pass from grade to grade without doing anything. They need to be AT LEAST reading on grade level and doing math at grade level. Especially for elementary school students! Standardized testing goes out the window. It sucks. Rather, kids will prove their learning through a final project that incorporates a good amount of what they learned. For math, there will still be a test, but simple arithmetic errors won't be counted against you. It will be graded off of how well you seem to understand the curriculum. Students will be taught the value of education and how the problem solving skills they are learning will help them. The school week will be Monday Tuesday Thursday Friday, this may get rid of some summer vacation time, but it will improve students' and teachers' mental health. There will be no more busy work that just teaches you to do as you're told, but work that encourages critical thinking. I have so many ideas on how to improve education, and this post is long already, so I'll stop here for now.

Guns

There will be no all-out ban. But people need extensive background checks, proper training, and permits. Assault weapons are banned from everyone other than the army. Stuff like hunting riffles are fine as long as they're used just for hunting.

I'd like to hear any critiques and thoughts on how to make things better! Feel free to add any info or ideas you have!

#socalism #us politics #anti capitalist #democrats #representative democracy #free palestine #us government #government

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stonewallsposts · 1 year

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Friends coming

We are having some friends come to stay with us for two weeks this month. This couple currently lives in Cambodia, but they come back to the states every few years and while they're here in the LA area, they usually stay with us for some time. I'm really looking forward to seeing them again. Last time was in 2019. They would have come in 2021, but covid wrecked that plan. So it's been 4 years since I've seen them. I'm taking off 6 of the 10 working days so I can spend some time with them. Unfortunately, my wife can't take off that time because she just started this new job 6 months ago and hasn't built up that much PTO yet. What she has built up, she needs to save for when we go to Rome later this year.

The husband in this couple is American, from Missouri. His wife is Japanese, from Hiroshima. They met as students at Biola and had a call to move to Cambodia as missionaries. So they've been living there for I don't even know how many years now- probably around 15 or so. They have one son, who will probably be quite a bit taller this time.... he was I think 9 last time he was here... he'll now be 13, so I'm expecting he'll have changed quite a bit.

I have learned so much over the years by listening to this couple. Some of the things they've taught me about life outside the US has helped me understand the bible.

I'll give you an example. He told me that in Cambodia, the policemen aren't paid by the state. Men pay for state permission to police a given area. They then hire other men to help them enforce the "law" in their area. So all the policing in a given area is essentially controlled by a local mob boss who has state permission. The cops are then given free rein in their area, and indeed, their livelihood and their ability to pay their own guys is dependent on getting money from those in their area.

How, you might ask, does that help you understand the bible?

Well, tax collectors in the old Roman empire essentially worked under the same deal. They bought their way into the position, and then had state sanction to collect as much as they could from the people. The state wanted its cut, but anything else the collectors could get would pay their salary... and possibly make them rich depending on how much they could squeeze.

Another particular thing I remember him telling me is in the area of God's provision. I had remembered a story about a missionary who had been out, caught in a storm, and unable to see how he would be rescued, laid down in the snow and prepared to die. He woke up in the morning surrounded by animal tracks. Apparently, they had slept next to him and kept him sheltered from the snow. I had mentioned that I would love to see this kind of provision from the Lord.

He mentioned a story he knew of where a missionary was hungry and had no food. Out of the blue, a cat wandered over with a fish and dropped it at his feet. My friend mentioned that while this would seem more 'miraculous', if, when I was hungry, given the choice between a cat dropping a fish at my feet, or someone showing up with a $50 gift certificate to Applebees... which would I rather have?

Both can be sent by the Lord, but the first "feels" more miraculous to us than the second. That's only our perception of it. I granted that I would much rather have the gift certificate and began to see the Lord's provision in a different light. It's easy to think that there is nothing special in the way we earn our keep or pay our bills. But in fact, even those are provisions from the Lord. They just don't feel like it.

Anyway, there have been so many other things that this couple has blessed me with over the years that I love to provide them a place when they come here. I'm looking forward to treating them to some awesome meals while they're here, and some more great conversation.

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just6f · 2 years

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chris-evans-indian-fanfic · 4 years

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Love

One-Shot

Description: Asexual!Bucky thinks he is broken beyond repair, until you show him that he has been complete all this while.

Warnings: Angst, bad language, mention of sex toys, romance and fluff

@jtargaryen18 organised a writing challenge for reaching 4k followers and of course I have to participate multiple times! 😍 I am sorry this entry is a little late 🙈

My Main Masterlist

A/N: This is the first time I am writing an asexual character. Whatever I have written is based upon my knowledge that I have gathered by reading various articles and posts on asexuality. The reason I am writing this is because I want to have an equal amount of straight and LGBTQ+ stories in my masterlist, so that there's something for everyone to enjoy. Hence, if you are an asexual person or know someone who is, and you realise that anything in my story is incorrectly represented, then please let me know. I will immediately correct it, issue an apology and accept my mistake publicly.

I don’t consent to have any of my work published or featured on any third party app, website or translated. If you are seeing this fanfiction anywhere but Tumblr and AO3, it has been reposted without my permission. In that case, please do share the link and let me know.

…

"I cannot fucking believe this!" Karen shouted, "What are you like gay or something?"

Bucky winced at her venomous words. "You need to leave," he said in a quiet, respectful tone.

"Like hell I am going to leave. I want answers!" she placed her hands on her hips and stomped her foot. "What is it? Am I not sexy enough for you? Are you not attracted by this?!" she gestured towards the skimpy lingerie currently hugging her body.

Bucky met her eyes as he responded, "I do not want to have sex with you."

She huffed, clearly not convinced, "Why not? We have been going out for what, 3 months now? And you still don't want to have sex with me? What is the issue here? Is it-" she paused suddenly, her eyes traveling down his torso to his crotch, "You can't get it up can you?" she sneered.

Bucky shook his head, too exhausted to deal with her, "Karen, it's nothing like that. I just do not want to get physical with you. That's all."

"Oh! Ooooohh!" she bent backwards a bit, "So it was fine to hug me, cuddle with me and hold my hands. But when it comes to sex, you suddenly become a pious celibate saint! What the fuck Bucky?"

Bucky sighed, and handed Karen back her coat, "We are done. Please leave."

She laughed dryly, "Oh abso-fucking-lutely we are done. You know what I think?" she asked while wearing the coat, "I think that you are too old grandpa and that your tiny ass tortured gay dick cannot salute on its own. Because no man in his right mind would deny this," she again pointed to herself. "Super-soldier my ass," she muttered as she left.

The door to his apartment closed with a loud bang, leaving an echo in its wake. Bucky stood still, rooted to his spot. If it were not for the silent tears rolling down his cheeks, anybody could have mistaken him for a statue.

Slowly, he sat on the floor, his gentle sobs rocking his body as he hugged his knees.

Decades of torture by the hands of Hydra had left him crippled, physically, mentally and emotionally. When he had been saved by Steve, he had started to piece his life back together, bit by bit. Things such as books, movies, music became tiny jigsaw pieces that slowly filled the void in his life.

After the final galactic battle with Thanos, Bucky had been officially initiated to the Avengers team, or rather what was left of it. The team soon became an extended family, a family that Bucky was still getting used to. It was especially irksome when Sam and Scott decided to set him up on a date with Karen from Research & Development (R&D), despite his protests.

It wasn't that Bucky didn't desire a relationship. He wanted to be close to someone, experience romance, feel their heartbeat in a close embrace and place light kisses on their forehead.

But he didn't want to have sex.

At first, he thought he might not have met the right woman. So he searched for porn online, which did little to sway his feelings. He put the issue on a backburner, the safety of the people and the urgency of his missions steering the wheel of his life for a while.

But when Sam and Scott proudly announced their grand plans for Bucky's date, he remembered his "issue" again. He looked at Karen closely whenever they went on dates together. She looked perfect. Beautiful hair, soft glowing skin, curves in all the right places, all packed in a graceful, slender body.

Bucky liked being close to her, but he was still not getting aroused. Hence, he stopped her advancements everytime she tried to get physical. Karen tolerated it for a while, before her patience wore out tonight.

As the sun rose in the sky, Bucky was still seated on the floor, his cheeks now stained with tears that had stopped sometime in the night, though a sniff escaped from him every few minutes. He looked at the sunlight pouring in from the window, broken by the window-panes, landing at his feet in two rays with a comforting warmth. It was in that moment that Bucky realised, Hydra had truly broken him.

🏳️‍🌈

"We have various types of dildos available. There's The Classic, Textured, Long and Thin, Short and Thick, Vibrators, Transparent Plexiglass Dildos, Strap-Ons, G-Spot Dildos, Double-Ended, Squirting Dildos and ones that also come with a suction grip. Are you looking for yourself or are you looking for something to enjoy with your partner?" the helpful saleswoman asked you.

You stroked your chin in thought, "It's only for me. I already have a vibrator that I bought about a year back. The G-Spot ones have never really worked for me. I am looking to try something new. What is the suction grip one?"

The attendant handed you the dildo and showed you the suction grip at the end of it, "You can use this to place and stick it on any flat surface you want, whether it's the floor or the wall or the side of your desk. It guarantees a completely hands-free pleasurable experience."

You stuck it on the wall besides the showcase to test the theory. It worked. "Neat! I will take this one," you smiled as the attendant went to fetch a fresh piece.

You paid for your new sex toy and walked back to the Avengers compound with your small white shopping bag in tow.

When you reached your desk, you heard Karen bitching as usual about something to Jessica. At first, you blocked them out like you did almost everyday, but then a name in their conversation caught your attention.

"He's the Winter Soldier alright. He's completely frozen down there," Karen whispered loudly with disgust.

"Even that red sexy lingerie didn't do anything for him?" Jessica gasped dramatically.

"No!"

"That's crazy! That hot-red piece will convert even the most gayest of the guys! And it didn't do anything for him? Wow," Jessica responded.

Karen added, "You know something? I have always thought he was extremely weird. Like, dude, I know you were tortured by Hydra or whatever, but get over it man! It's been years since he was free. He should enjoy life and stop being such a wimp. I am 100% sure he is impotent."

"You know I was digging into him the other night," Jessica said in a hushed whisper, "and I saw a message board online which suggested that his penis has been completely cut by Hydra. This person knows all such secrets about these alleged superheros. You should follow him."

"What is his username?"

"Proud-Flat-Earther-MotherFuckers. Wait, I will send you the link," Jessica offered.

Having heard enough of their nonsense, you made your way towards the HR department. Maybe both Karen and Jessica had forgotten, but talking about the personal lives of Avengers was strictly against the rules and was considered as reason enough to fire employees.

You filed a complaint with the HR and within a few hours, both the women were fired on the spot. You savored the moment with relish, as their faces turned aghast at the realisation that their actions had consequences. You went up to them, watching the pair clean their desks, with unabashed glee.

"You know something Karen?" you asked her, "Just because a man refuses to have sex, it didn't mean that he's a wimp, or gay or an impotent. But if you do choose to think of him that way, then it surely makes you a sexiest and a homophobic person."

Karen looked at you furiously, "You bitch! I lost my job because you went and blabbed in front of the HR!"

You chuckled at her outburst, "Oh my dearest Karen. Yes I did go and rat you out to the HR. But that's not what got the two of you fired."

"Then what did?" Jessica asked as she joined the conversation.

You folded your hands for effect, "Your hateful comments and toxic views cost you your jobs. People like you think that just by using the latest iPhone or following the latest trends, you are a modern, 21st century person. But in reality, it is your open mindset which makes you a member of the modern society. If you would open your mind just as much as you open your legs, trust me, the two of you will be much better off."

You turned to leave, but stopped yourself, "Just a suggestion. Stop using words like gay and impotent as insults. It will help you retain your next job for a longer time." You winked at their speechless faces, and happily returned to your desk.

Your job in R&D was taxing and so, you always found yourself working late. Today was no exception either. As you left your office at around 8pm, you saw Bucky heading towards the elevator which led to his apartment. You always had a soft spot for the brunette super-soldier. For starters, you couldn't even begin to comprehend the tortures he must have endured in his past. And the fact that he was trying to piece his life back together again? It was truly commendable.

He always kept to himself, his eyes downcast and his body language unsure. And after what you had heard today, you felt even more sorry for the guy. Turning towards the cafeteria, you picked up a box of vanilla-strawberry French macarons for him, thanking the heavens above for the free food available at the Avengers compound. You held the white bag with macarons in your left hand, being mindful of not confusing it with the similar white bag in your right which contained your new sex toy.

A few moments later, you found yourself in front of his apartment. You had visited him twice before to adjust his vibranium arm or to sort out a few tweaks, but never before had you visited him so late in the evening.

You knocked, feeling a little hesitant as you did so. He was surprised to find you standing on the opposite of the door, however, he still greeted you courteously nonetheless.

Before you could state your reason for the visit, he said sincerely, "I heard what you did today. Thank you. I really appreciated it."

Now it was your turn to be surprised, "Oh. Ummm. It's okay really Mr Barnes. It was nothing. You don't need to-"

"No. It wasn't just nothing. You could have turned a deaf ear and ignored them. Yet you chose to stand-up for me. Thank you," a small smile laced his face and you melted on the spot.

You had a crush on Bucky. A BIG one. Could anyone blame you? This guy was a hot, sexy mess of an ice-cream sundae that left you hungry for more even on the coldest nights of the year.

You realised you were staring into his steel-blue eyes like a creep, and immediately cleared your throat. "What-what they did was wrong. Karen had no right to demean you for your desires or lack of them. I-," you sighed, "I am sorry for what she said. It was disrespectful and hurtful. So I brought you something that I hope will cheer you up."

You awkwardly raised your right hand, "I got you some vanilla-strawberry macarons from the cafeteria."

Bucky did cheer up a bit at the mention of his favourite food. He eagerly took the bag with a huge smile, "Thank you," he said once again as you shook your head. "Thank you for everything you do to keep us safe Mr Barnes. I must be on my way now. Goodnight," and with that you left, grinning like an idiot.

🏳️‍🌈

You took a bath, ate your dinner and slipped into comfortable pyjamas. Excited to try your new sex toy tonight, you unpacked the bag expecting to see the nondescript box of the dildo. Instead, 5 delicious macarons stared back at you with innocence.

You stumbled backwards in shock, the impact of your action settling like a dull, heavy weight in your stomach. "Oh no no no no," you whispered, horrified.

You immediately rushed to your window and pulled aside the curtain to look at Bucky's building, as if expecting to see him staring daggers at you. One of the privileges of working with the Avengers? You got to stay in a nice apartment within the compound itself. Your residential complex was a little further away from the main building, covered easily by 15 minutes of walking.

Feeling hyper, you frantically searched for a coat and almost ran out of your house. You rushed back in to keep the box in the bag and again, dashed towards the elevator.

Hoping that Bucky would have yet to open the box, you sent a silent prayer to all the gods and goddesses in the skies above, even Thor. Meh, you never know when an ex-Avenger could be of help.

You sprinted towards the other building, a multitude of thoughts clouding your mind- What if he was offended by it? Would he file a complaint against me? It would be sorta ironic if I was fired for this! Shit he would think my apology was false and I am probably mocking him.

You reached his apartment, a panting, huffing mess of a person. You knocked frantically, his door shaking with force at your desperation. However, you jumped as Bucky whispered your name from behind you, "Are you okay? What's going on?" he asked with concern as you turned around to face him.

"Did-did you op-open the bo-ox?" you questioned him while panting like a dog.

He furrowed his brows in response, "No I was planning to open it in a few minutes. Please tell me what's going on. Why do you look so scared?"

You bent over double, your stomach cramping thanks to your impromptu running, "Thi-this is your bag," you held up the package, "That ba-bag is mine."

"Okay," Bucky said slowly, still unsure of your behaviour, "Should I open the door to retrieve your bag?"

You nodded as he stepped aside, "Why are you not wearing any shoes?"

You looked down at your feet at his query, small blades of grass had stuck to your naked feet along with dirt. "I was in a hur-hurry to get to you," you managed to say between your breaths.

Bucky just nodded in response. It was then that you noticed the pack of paper tissues in his hand. He opened the door and stepped inside, beckoning you to follow him. He pointed to the white bag kept on the table while he looked at it with worry. "Will it explode?" he solicited.

"Uhh no," you replied awkwardly.

"Is it dangerous?" curiosity etched on Bucky's face as you swapped the bags.

"No, it's nothing like that," you looked down at your feet, feeling the heat rush to your cheeks with embarrassment.

He narrowed his eyes, "Then what is it?"

"I can't tell you," you quietly admitted, "but here are your macarons. I am really sorry for this. Didn't mean to disturb you from whatever you had planned," you pointed to the box of tissues still in his hand.

Bucky noticed the underlying question in your statement, "I was about to watch a movie. So needed these to clear the mess."

Your eyes went wide at his sincerity. While you had a crush on him, you definitely did not want to know about Bucky's late night masturbation adventures. Shaking your head, you raised your hands and started walking backwards, "I am sorry I disturbed your nightly… activities. I get out of your hair."

"Actually, would you like to join me for the movie?" Bucky asked hopefully, "We have the macarons and you seem like you need to calm your nerves."

You were surprised for the third time that day. Did Bucky just ask you to masturbate with him? Or have sex while eating the macarons? Or did he want to eat them after you guys have had sex? A flurry of questions swirled in your mind as you stared at him with a slightly open mouth.

Bucky interpreted your gaze and stumbled to clarify himself, "As friends! Would you like to watch a movie with me as a friend?"

You slowly nodded your affirmation, "Yeah okay. Which movie are we watching?"

"The Notebook," he revealed with a smile, "It's an extremely emotional movie. Ummm what's the term? Tear-jerker? Uhh yeah, it's a real tear-jerker of a movie."

"Oh so that's why…" you pointed at the tissues. "Yeah," he confirmed, "I tend to cry a lot while watching that movie. And… ummm… I am the kind of person who cries ugly. You know, all tears and snot. So yeah… I need the whole box."

"That's… that's actually sweet," you smiled, "Trust me you are not alone. I start crying as soon as the titles appear on the screen."

He got excited at your confession, "Yes! Exactly! It's because you know what's going to come and you are just mentally preparing yourself."

You chuckled with him in affirmation as he led you further into his apartment.

You freshened up a bit in his washroom, making sure to clean your feet and the residue on your face from the sweat.

Bucky was standing besides your bag when you entered the living room, "Now that we are friends," he intoned, "will you please tell me what's inside of this?"

You sighed, "Mr Barnes-."

"Bucky," he corrected you and you smiled.

"Will you promise me you will not take any offense or be insulted by it? I really did not mean to swap the bags."

"I trust you," Bucky said with assurance.

"It's…it is a sex toy," you mumbled quietly. Any normal human wouldn't have heard you, but Bucky's enhanced hearing caught your words flawlessly.

He took a moment to process your words, and finally, to your amazement, burst out laughing.

You sheepishly smiled at his reaction as your heart felt a little lighter. "That is embarrassing," he agreed with a wide grin.

The two of you settled on the couch as Bucky's chuckles lessened. He kept the box of macarons between you two, but hesitated to begin the movie.

You sensed his curiosity, and clarified, "I haven't been in a relationship in a very long time. It's been… 2 years I guess… since my last breakup." You took a deep breath, "And my job doesn't exactly leave a lot of time on my hands for dating or one-night-stands."

Bucky seemed to consider your words for what felt like a long time. Finally, he asked quietly, "What does it feel like? To… to want another person… sexually?"

You blinked your eyes, thinking you must have misheard him. But then, his gaze met yours, and you knew his question was sincere.

"It feels like…," you raked your mind in search for the appropriate words, "...like your entire body is on fire, and you need the touch of the other person to quench your thirst. Like, just for a few moments, you want to shut your mind, and let your body think for you."

Bucky nodded slowly as you finished, "But what if you feel that in your heart? And not for your body?"

You squint your eyes at his question, "What do you mean Bucky?"

He placed his head in his hands, "I just… I don't feel like that with anyone. I mean, I don't want to have sex. Trust me I have tried everything. Literally everything. Still I don't feel aroused… I am broken, aren't I? Because this is abnormal, right? No matter how hard I try I will never be normal."

Your heart shattered at his words. You had heard about his horrid nightmares, but to think that he was struggling to accept himself, thinking that he was broken, even when he had so much love to give, was depressing. You could not just stand by and watch.

Gently, you placed a hand on his shoulder, "Bucky, look at me." When he didn't comply, you urged him, "Bucky, you are not broken. It is completely normal to not have any sexual desires."

"No it's not," he scoffed.

"Yes it is," you coerced him, "Do you know what is asexuality? It is the complete absence of sexual desires. Many people-"

He interrupted you, "There is no such thing. You are making this up."

"I am not," you replied indignantly, "Research indicates that more than 1% of the American population is asexual. Also, experts believe that more people might be asexuals because they think that they "haven't found the right person yet"," you ended with air quotes.

With no reaction from him, you sighed and got up, "Do yourself a favour. Use the internet and learn about asexuality. It will help put your mind at ease." You left after giving that piece of advice.

Bucky stayed in the same position for a few moments after your departure. He nibbled on a macaron as he considered the movie playing in front of him. Unable to focus, he promptly shut it all and carried the box to his bed. The macarons disappeared into his mouth as he tossed and turned, feeling restless.

There was no way asexuality was a thing. If it was, then how come there were no movies, tv shows or even advertisements on asexuality? That's because it wasn't normal, right? Maybe you had just lied to him to make him feel better? Maybe you took pity on him?

He looked at his phone on the table near the tv set, your final words repeating in his head in a loop. The combination of tiredness and laziness encouraged him to take your advice in the morning.

🏳️‍🌈

You didn't see Bucky for 3 days after your fateful encounter with him. The fact that you still had your job at the Avengers Tower meant that he hadn't filed a complaint yet with the HR. And for that you were grateful. Friday came and you found yourself working late, again. It was around 10pm and you were still in your lab, almost done with the work. That's when you heard the small swoosh of the lab doors opening and closing.

You looked up from your table, and found Bucky staring intently at you with his blue eyes. He cleared his throat and tentatively took a step towards you. "You were right," he said slowly, "I researched online, read a few articles and spoke with the in-house therapist. I am an," he took a deep breath, "an asexual."

You closed your laptop and smiled at his confession, "How are you feeling now?"

"Honestly? A little bit better. I feel somewhat free," he admitted while gripping the white bag in his hand a little bit tighter.

"That's great! I am so proud of the progress you have made," you beamed at him, but sensed his hesitance as you neared him.

"What's wrong?" you gently inquired.

"You are… not… I mean… by any chance… asexual?" he winced at his own question.

You chuckled lightly, "No I am not."

"Ahh, then it's okay," he murmured and turned as if to leave.

You stopped him by placing a hand on his firm bicep, "What's going on?"

He shifted on his feet, visibly uncomfortable and anxious, "I was just… no nevermind it's stupid."

"Bucky," you said his name in a stern voice.

He sighed again, "I thought… I mean I owe you a movie because… of that night… and so… you know… would you like to watch it? The movie? But why would you? You deserve better… you are not an asexual. You are normal. Why would you want to go on a date with me?" he finally ended his mumbling.

You looked at him with squinted eyes, trying to decipher what he had muttered. "Did you just say you would like to go on a date with me? But it was stupid because you are an asexual and I am normal?" you blinked as he nodded.

"Who told you that you are not normal?" you asked him, a little irritated, "Bucky look at me." This time he complied, "You. Are. Normal. As normal as me, as the other Avengers or as anybody else in the world. Do not, for even one goddamn second, think that there's something wrong with you because there isn't. Are you listening to me? Am I clear?" you wagged your forefinger at him.

Amused at your outburst, he nodded with a sheepish grin. Clearing his throat, he asked you again, "Would you like to watch a movie with me tomorrow? As a date?"

You placed your hands on your waist, "Yes."

His grin widened as he asked you the next question, "Still mad at me?"

"Uh-huh."

"Maybe these cupcakes will help," he shyly held up the white bag in front of you, "I made sure they were cupcakes," he added with a smirk.

You graciously accepted the bag, "Cupcakes will always help."

"Great! It's a date then. Tomorrow… at 4pm? My apartment?" Bucky suggested.

You agreed, and he left with a goodbye. As soon as he was out of sight, you opened the box, expecting to see the usual cupcakes inside. Instead, you found that the sweet treats were decorated with cute messages such as "U R Cute" , "Be Mine?" , "So Sweet" and so on. Feeling mushy at his adorable gesture, you bit into the sweet treat as you headed back to your apartment.

The next day, you made sure to wear a purple dress, complete with black, grey and white accessories - the colours of the asexual flag. Bucky beamed at you as he welcomed you into his apartment. He had made a snack mix from popcorn, crispy pretzels, chips and nachos, the perfect accompaniment to any movie according to him, and you couldn't agree more.

The pair of you watched The Notebook in silence, except for a few sobs and sniffs here and there and the straight up bawling during the emotional parts of the movie.

After a while, the film ended but your date continued. The two of you talked about everything, right from the meaningful discussions about the government policies to random questions like "which mythical creature would you be and why?"

Soon, it was time for you to head back to your apartment. Bucky offered to walk you and you happily agreed. But before you left, he asked you nervously, "Would you like to have a second date?"

"I would love to," you beamed, "Which movie should we watch the next time?"

He ran his hand in his somewhat disheveled hair, "Uhh… I actually made a date jar. Wait, I will get it."

He brought over a glass jar, filled with tiny bits of folded paper, "I thought we could have dates that start from each English alphabet. We can pick and choose at random from the jar."

Tears pricked the corner of your eyes again at his thoughtful and romantic gesture. You gingerly picked one note from the jar, excited for the adventure that awaited the two of you.

🏳️‍🌈

It took more than 2 years for the pair of you to finish every date in the date jar, except for one. Whether it was jet-skiing in the ocean, taking classes for flamenco dance, him teaching you self-defense or going on a wildlife safari together, you and Bucky finally got through it all. Only the letter "P" was now left.

In these 2 years, any distance between the two of you had practically vanished. Bucky was comfortable in removing his bionic arm in front of you. Moreover, he had started sharing everything with you. Right from his darkest and disturbing nightmares to a pretty butterfly that he may have seen during his missions, Bucky made it a point to ensure that you were a part of his life, and you had absolutely no complaints.

The two of you had also discussed about your sexual desires, and Bucky had been comfortable with you using your sex toys as and when you wished.

Bucky was the perfect boyfriend anybody could ask for. He was considerate, thoughtful, a hardcore feminist and gave the best foot-rubs in the world. And so you were nervous. Nervous because the two of you had never actually sat down to talk about the nature of your relationship. And as the day of the last date loomed nearer, your anxiety increased. At first, you thought of making a second date jar, but he had quickly dismissed the idea, stating that he would be caught up with multiple things after the last date ended.

As you sat in the car that Bucky had sent for you, your apprehension grew. Bucky always picked you up, however this time, he had asked you to come alone in the car. Maybe he wanted to break up with you?

By the time you reached the park it was pitch black. You were sure Bucky had paid the guards to keep the gates of the park open just for you.

As soon as you entered, you saw the pathway lined with 25 lamp posts, leading you towards a breathtaking archway decorated with fairy lights and your favourite flowers.

On every lamp post, a photograph of the two of you - which were taken on your dates - was stuck along with a note. The notes described how he fell in love with you over and over again on every single date. Your progress was slow, as read each of his meticulously written words with tears in your eyes. You collected all of his notes and the photographs, and finally headed towards the lit archway.

When you entered it, the instrumental notes of the song "All of Me" by John Legend reached your ears.

You walked ahead and reached a bend. Upon crossing it, you were showered with rose petals as the live music grew louder. And at the end of the archway, your boyfriend, James Buchanan Barnes, was standing in a tuxedo, looking as sinfully good as the forbidden fruit. The entire area around him was lit with soft fairy lights that cascaded gracefully between tall lamp posts. Even on the ground, small wooden lamps illuminated the grass across the area. A live band was playing the music and your Bucky was standing with the most gorgeous bouquet of red roses that you had ever seen.

Your vision turned blurry as you started crying, and looking at your tears, he started sobbing as well. "No no no I can't cry now," he managed to say between his sobs while giving you his handkerchief, "I have to do this."

He got down on one knee and took your hand in his. You both laughed as you started crying harder. He took a deep breath and said your name, "These 2 years have been the most magical years of my life. You have accepted me as who I am, what I am, and never once tried to change me or make fun of me for it. I never thought I would be treated with the amount of respect that-" he started crying, unable to finish his sentence.

You sat beside him and handed him your kerchief. "Yes," you said with a tear-stained smile.

"Let me ask you first!" he exclaimed between his sobs.

You laughed and wiped your snot as he cleared his throat, "I love you so much. You are the only one I want to-" he started crying again.

"Yes!" you answered his unsaid question.

"I haven't asked you yet!" he exclaimed again as the two of you giggled between your sobs.

"Okay c'mon Bucky you can do this," he muttered to himself as you beamed at him. "Okay," he looked into your eyes and whispered your name, "Will you do me the honour of marrying me and becoming my wife?"

You choked up at finally hearing the words. Rendered speechless, you could only nod as fresh tears escaped your eyes.

"You have to say yes!" he almost shouted with excitement.

"Yes! Yes! Yes!!" you matched his enthusiasm as he slipped a ring onto your finger. His large arms then engulfed you in a bear hug, wrapping you in a safe and secure space for eternity to come.

Permanent tag: @donutloverxo @notyourtypicalrose @just-one-ordinary-fangirl

Bucky taglist: @loustan90

Taglist open! Just comment, send an ask or message!

#asexual #Bucky Barnes #bucky barnes angst #bucky barnes au #james bucky barnes #asexual!bucky barnes #asexual!Bucky #bucky x reader #Bucky barnes x Reader #winter soldier #lgbtqa #JTargaryen18s4K

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thewolfmanslayer · 3 years

Text

Honestly the amount of people who say artists and writers should do stuff for free, or try to rip them off on comissions still royally piss me off.

I think the worst part of it is the entitlement, I dont want to make this too much about generations but a lot of commissioners are millenial/Gen z's who grew up on the "steal and pirate everything" mentality, take everything that you can because no one else is going to hand it to you. which I can get behind, when you are screwing over MULTI BILLION DOLLAR COMPANIES. NOT THE STRUGGLING ARTISTS AND WRITERS who are trying to keep food on the table as desperately as you probably are!

It's simple, you wouldn't walk into a restaurant, order food and tell the server "sorry I don't have any money, but I've got like a few thousand followers on social media, I can get your name out there, get the restaurant some exposure" NO! They don't need "exposure" they need you to pay the damn bill!

On top of that, most of these artists and writers ALREADY HAVE FOLLOWINGS. They already have thousands of people following them, waiting for the chance to get a commission, who are willing to pay for said commission, they don't need "exposure" when they're already out there! He'll even the artists and writers with a few hundred don't need it, they'll get more followers as time goes by, their skill alone will see to it.

And what is with people trying to get free art and writing? It's not going to work! You can't harass someone until they cave, trust me, you'll be long since blocked before you even have the opportunity. I don't do comissions, online anyways, but my own friends and family, people who actually know me STILL PAY ME whenever they ask for me to do art for them because they KNOW it takes TIME AND EFFORT.

How many times do we need to have this discussion???? Like when is it going to finally click that people who need to pay their bills just as much as you do AREN'T going to do this shit for free!?

Here's the thing about art and writing, that you've heard a billion times but still aren't getting; IT. TAKES. TIME. AND. EFFORT. TO. GET. DONE. the art isn't going to magically appear and the writing isn't going to suddenly write itself, if either were so convenient YOU WOULDNT BE ASKING AN ARTIST OR WRITER IN THE FIRST PLACE!

Look at that, you see that? The first picture I did back in 2012-13, the picture beside it? I did that TWO YEARS AGO. I didn't suddenly know exactly what to do, or had anything close to a god given talent for drawing (I'm not that talented). The first picture WAS THE ABSOLUTE BEST I COULD DO AT THE TIME THAT I MADE IT. In the time between these two drawings I admittedly took a break from art, but then I got back into it four years ago. EVEN STILL that was four YEARS of starting over from the basics, relearning everything, learning new things, wanting to actually improve my art.

Which, guess what, DID NOT HAPPEN OVER NIGHT. It was HOURS UPON HOURS of my limited free time as an adult drawing over and over and over and over again, every single goddamn day to get to the point that I was able to make that redraw look as good as it does in comparison. He'll, my art now puts them both to shame! Because I spent the time improving my quality!!

Now look at these artists doing comissions, they've probably put EVEN MORE of their time to get that good! They've put in LITERAL YEARS of sweat, blood, tears, frustrations and dedicated hardwork. Some did the same as me, self teaching and lots of practice, others probably had to go to school, which definitely wasn't cheap. But all of us put in that time and effort TO REACH THESE POINTS. Of being better artists, developing our styles, getting faster at drawing.

And maybe you think that this is super easy, right? That I or every other artist can just fire some art off and boom its good and done in like an hour?

FUCK. NO.

Even now it takes me several hours a day OVER MANY DAYS to make something exceptionally good! It doesn't matter how good an artist is, it still. Takes. Time.

Maybe the issue is that you don't understand how much actually goes into art, let me break it down for you, the steps that most people follow to finish ONE drawing.

-Rough draft: general character outline, get a feel for what I want to draw.

-Rough sketch: I start doing a bit of pencil to start filling in details like mouth, nose, eyes, hair, clothes. Ect.

-Penciling: I go over the rough sketch and clean everything up, maybe do some editing, this is when you can start making out all the details.

-Ink: I trace over the finished pencil with a pen tool and actually have the line art, everything looks clean, presentable, it actually looks like a character now. I'll spend time editing this and possibly redoing the inking many times over to get to a point where I like it.

-Flat color: I decide on which colors to use for skin tone, clothes accessories. Ect.

-Shading/highlights: I figure out where my light source is and how strong it is, I then apply the correct amount of lighting and shadows to the color to give it depth, I also have determine the texture of skin, clothes and accessories to make everything look real and natural.

-Blending: I smooth out the shading and highlights so that it looks more natural and isn't too hard (noticeable difference between color) so that it looks as natural as possible.

-Finish: I go over last minute details, finish any editing or corrections that need to be done. Once it's good I call it a day.

Each process is longer in length then the previous, with the exception of the final editing (as long as everything looks good) and even the rough draft can take some time. Over all this is SEVERAL HOURS of work for a SINGLE DRAWING.

So is it sinking in yet? How much is put into doing even a single character drawing? God forbid if its done with background. This isn't a "scratch a pen around and be done with it in ten minutes" kinda deal, no, this is SEVERAL HOURS OF SOMEONES LIFE BEING PUT INTO THIS

And if you still have the AUDACITY to try and wrangle free art from an artist then there's no helping you, you're just a selfish piece of shit, no question and I want nothing to do with you.

Someone might say "But I got free art/writing from.-" look I don't give a shit if someone did something for you THAT ONE TIME, these other artists and writers? Totally seperate and different people. You're one freebie experience does not, and should not apply to other artists and writers.

"But what if I really want this commission but don't have the money right now?" Well, that's tough shit. Save up and properly commission them when you can, it's not their problem.

"But what if I'm in a really bad financial situation and really want it?" That sucks, and I'm sorry, but again, not their problem. Chances are this is their only source of income and they need to make money so that they don't end up in a similar situation.

"They have a gift! They should share it!" What kind of cheap ass- LOOK, just because someone is talented or really good at something does not automatically obligate them to do anything for total strangers in anyway shape or form. These are living, breathing people, the same as you. They need to eat, they need to pay rent/mortgages, they need to pay vet bills, send their kids to college, do their taxes and everything else that YOU YOURSELF need to do. Asking anyone to spend their time doing something for free, when that something is how THEY ARE SURVIVING is beyond asinine. Not only that, this obviously isn't a hobby to them, it is very clearly THEIR JOB. Would you want to do a job where you didn't get paid at all? Doing a shit ton of work for absolutely nothing? No? Didn't think so.

"It shouldn't be about the money!" Well unfortunately, as with almost every other job, it is. We live in a world where we desperately need to make money in order to survive. That's the painful fact of the matter. If money never had to be an issue ever again then this would be a very different story. But it's not, plain and simple as can be.

Look, these people are just like you, artists and writers who are just trying to get by in a shitty ass world, using the one thing they have that let's them have an income. Leave them be, don't try and trick them, guilt them, or cuss them out when you don't get your way. Either properly comission or leave them the hell alone, plain and simple.

#artists #writers #art #writing #rant #comissions #people

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mochikeiji · 4 years

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Rest Your Heart

↠ Pairing: Bokuto Koutarou x Akaashi Keiji

↠ Warning: TimeSkip AU! Over thinking, anxiety, angst to fluff

↬ Word Count: 2,052

Summary: Everyone has that one person who will always look after them and their well being. Bokuto has had enough of Akaashi torturing himself from all the papers and projects given to him. He didn't like knowing the fact that he was always drowning into an ocean of hardship and darkness, so he steps up his game into letting Akaashi take a break.

⇢ Day 5: Touch (cuddling, hand holding, huddling for warmth), Bed-sharing! @bokuakaweek2020

✎﹏

Working is tiring for everyone. It's even more exhausting to use your brain into thinking with good ideas. What's worse is that sometimes, people tend to force to milk out every bit of their brain juice in order to master and reach their own satisfaction in their work.

Akaashi was not a stranger to that description.

When you work as an editorist, like he is, it's automatically embedded in you that what you must submit it worthy to be read. Like a every writer, the common thing they had was content. Will it be good? Will it be read? Thousands, even millions of thoughts would swarm a single person for that matter. There mustn't be one speck of mistake in your work. Everything must be already there, written, revised and correctly formulated.

Dealing with this especially when you were assigned to take care of a big project from your seniors was a huge amount of pressure for Akaashi. He couldn't say he hated his job nor loved it. But he can tell that he wasn't happy knowing he wasn't taking care of his health anymore.

"Akaashi~ you're taking too long."

Luckily Bokuto was there.

"10 more minutes, Bokuto. I'll be done." he replies without taking his eyes nor hands off of his laptop. Still hunched over his desk, eyes squinting on each word he's typed in so far checking to see if there were grammatical errors or spelling errors that needed to be changed.

"You've said the same thing 6 times way back now, look," raising his foot, Bokuto points it out on their wall clock above his desk, "It's already 7:30 pm. You haven't even touched your onigiri!" Akaashi takes a small glance to his left side. The onigiri's were left cold and untouched for the past hour since Bokuto had bought home, "Seriously, you need to stop over working your self. One of these days you're bound to collapse.." He mutters the last past, not wanting to imagine his beloved Akaashi fall without him around to pick him up.

He hears a frustrated sigh coming from him. When your partner is stressed and you were just trying to help, it usually ends with the stressed one blowing up on the other one. Atleast, that's how other couples work.

"I'm sorry." not for both of them though, neither one would dare to hurt the other one. For one reason, Akaashi was just not the type of person you'd want to yell at, look at him, he's just a quiet, little man trying to pass by. Next is Bokuto, you can never yell at someone who looks like a child filled with innocence, and besides, he was right at this point for scolding him.

"The deadline is in 2 days time..I'm just terrified that if I don't submit something properly written, they'd stop giving me these opportunities." looking over his right side where a stack of papers were unorganized.

"So? Atleast you won't have to over work yourself. It doesn't matter anymore if you can't be happy and healthy." sitting up with crossed legs on the bed, Bokuto observes Akaashi from there, ready to attend to any needs and necessity.

"I'll be marked with a lower rank and get paid little..."

Bokuto knew how much Akaashi wanted to help him pay for their rent and other taxes ever since they've agreed to live with each other. Even though Bokuto had a lot of money in his pocket to aid them both, Akaashi simply doesn't want to be dependent on his lover and let him do all the hard work.

That's why he loved Akaashi so much. Even up until now he was still giving his all to him like in highschool.

His 120 percent in things.

Akaashi leans back on his chair, closing his eyes for a brief moment to gather all his thoughts to think properly. That gave Bokuto a chance to get up from their shared bed quietly as he walks up to him from behind. He wraps his strong arms around his neck from behind, placing a soft kiss on his forehead as he strokes away the frustrated tears now streaming on his cheeks.

"If it ever went down to that, I'll talk to your boss," moving his hand on both of his shoulder blades, he held the male down by pressing on the tight knots that had formed way back, "No objections, Keiji. You've been working hard, if they treat you like shit I'm complaining. There's no fairness." it was endearing to hear that coming from him. He had grown up to be a mature man than he was before. If Akaashi wasn't so frustrated he would've been crying from so much love coming from Bokuto.

He raises both of his hands, cupping Bokuto's smaller ones on his chest, "You're too nice to me." smiling sadly as he let's all pent frustration out with his tears, "I can never know what'll be enough for me to give you."

That was another thing that Bokuto was saddened about. The fact that Akaashi was an over thinker he'd often degrade himself to the lowest of all. To Akaashi himself, he was nothing more than a bother. A hindrance. But to Bokuto, how he wishes he could tell him he was more than enough and that he has given him too much even before.

"You're already good enough," tapping his chin with his fingers, he pushes his head a little, making his eyes flutter open, "I mean it, Keiji."

There was a short pause of silence. Neither one daring to move as they clung onto each other's love language and affection. Pretty soon, Bokuto found this opportunity as a good sign to lead him back to bed for a break. Removing his arms away from the seated male, much to his dismay, he grabs on the plate of onigiri's and walks to their shared bed, placing it on top.

"Come on, I'll eat with you."

Akaashi watches as Bokuto sits back down on their bed with his legs wide enough. Enough for him to fit and sit in between them, and pats the free space.

"But I have to fini—"

"Your dinner, yes, you're gonna finish your dinner. Now sit here!"

He can never say no when it comes to Bokuto whining. With a sigh, using his sleeves, he wipes away all the excess tears. Not bothering to take his glasses off, and stand up from his chair.

"I'm going to get im trouble after this." nesting himself in between Bokuto's legs and leaning his back on his chest. Bokuto hands him an onigiri along with his and watches Akaashi take his first, but small bite. He didn't have the mood to eat from his constant thinking which makes the owl haired male frown deeply.

"No, you're not. Have a little faith. I know you," taking a huge chunk of the onigiri in his mouth, "You always manage to make things work, that's what I love about you." Akaashi didn't like messy people, but he couldn't make any comment on how silly Bokuto looks and sounds with his mouth stuffed.

"Please don't chew your food while talking, Bokuto."

"And please don't be sad in front of the onigiri's, Kei. They have feelings too."

Hearty laughter filled the room coming from Akaashi. Bokuto savored every moment of it. His happiness was his happiness as well.

Watching Akaashi finally take bigger bites and chowing down like a starved man, hr let's him have all the onigiri's to himself, using an excuse that he was already full. He can see the way his eyes sparkled shyly as he took all the rice filled meals into his stomach.

"Hmm, you're getting kinda chubby there, Keiji," pushing his pointer finger on his cheek, he watches it squish adorably from his touch, "Not that I'm complaining. You look hot and cute." grinning when he saw his lips pout a little with his cheeks growing red, he couldn't help but pinch them.

"Bokuto please, I'm trying tk eat."

"I wasn't suggesting anything!"

Disposing the plate to their night stand, Akaashi wipes the side of his mouth with his sleeve, Bokuto hugging his stomach with his hands rubbing them.

"You're so soft, Keiji." he hums, squishing the baby fat from the smaller male.

"I need to get to work." he was feeling embarrassed. Had he really gained weight that much? Akaashi was taking a note in his mind that he was going to join Bokuto in jogging next time.

"But its late. And you need to rest." nuzzling his head on his shoulder. He really didn't want to see another one of those nights Akaashi would be sitting, hunched on his desk until sunrise.

Stroking his stomach to his chest, Bokuto whines a little when Akaashi tries half heatedly to break from his hold, "And I wanna cuddle you to sleep. It gets lonely when you always leave and work yourself to the bone."

There were times Akaashi would slip from his hold around 3 am to get back to work. During those times Bokuto would pretend to be asleep and wait for his return. And he got pretty upset he's reached until the birds started chirping. The bed was cold without him.

Akaashi feels the guilt rising from him as he remembers all those times he's left the older male. Thinking of what was more important, he forces the arms around his stomach down and turns his body to face him. Bokuto already had a sad expression on his face knowing he was still going to over work himself. It was already part kf his nature.

Until Akaashi wraps his arms around his neck and pushes him down to bed with him placed on top of Bokuto.

"I thought you were going back to work?" nonetheless, Bokuto wraps his arms tighter around Akaashi. He flinches when he feels him started to shake and his neck getting wet.

He was crying again.

Petting his head, Bokuto reaches out for his glasses, removing them and placing it gently on their night stand near the plate. He pushes his head deeper on his neck side, allowing him to cry as he whispers sweet words next to his ear.

"I promise, Keiji. You're already fine as you are. Please, let me take care of you."

He hears a choked sob escape from his lips, "You don't have to keep doing this if it doesn't make you happy. If you're doing this for me then I'm not hapoy if you're not." sniffling from his words, Akaashi listens to him, finding his body warm and home like feeling. His words soothing like a sweet lullaby.

"I don't care about anything, Keiji. I'm hapoy because I have you. But I'm more happier to see you happy and well."

Turning his head, golden eyes meeting teary gun metal ones, Bokuto swipes away the tears again with his thumb and places a small smooch on the tip of his nose.

"You're already enough for me and others. So please," pressing his forehead against his, they both closed their eyes, feeling their breaths close and their bodies warm with fluttering feelings, "Take a break for me."

Akaashi knows to himself sooner or later he'll crumble again like today. He knows to himself that he couldn't help but let his thoughts overcome his sight on things. But that didn't matter right now.

He was in his arms, and that's all he could think of with his presence.

"I love you so much." whimpering softly as he buries his face against his neck again. He felt so safe and secure woth Bokuto around. Loved. That everything around him got a little better. Brighter. It made him nuzzle even more into him and his small arms squeezing him.

Bokuto counters back the same squeeze of affection and kisses the side of his ear. His breathing soon slowing down and into a calm one before he hears soft snores from Akaashi.

"I love you too, Keiji. Sleep tight."

That day Bokuto doesn't sleep until 3 am. He has spent his night watching over him. Occasionally stroking his hair or back whenever he moves from his position.

He wasn't going to let anything ruin Akaashi and his peace for the day.

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punkscowardschampions · 4 years

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Janis & Grace

Janis: what's the name of that boy we were partnered with first day Janis: the one when we won? Grace: Craig Grace: why? Janis: that's it Janis: what's his deal, how do you know him? Grace: I literally don't Janis: you don't fuck with him? Grace: idk he's like really shy or whatever Grace: that was the first time I'd ever talked to him & vice versa so Janis: okay, well Mia banged him last night Janis: we saw her going in his room Grace: EW Grace: poor Craig Janis: yeah Janis: where is he Janis: she eat him afterwards, like 🕷 Grace: 🐍 like Grace: ugh he was cute Grace: RIP 🙏 Janis: anyway, thought I'd say 'cos obviously did it to 💔 you so naturally act the opposite to piss her off Janis: we got 📸s Grace: 🙄 duh I am the opposite, he hit me up & I said no thanks, I have the 🗨 Janis: ha Janis: send me that Grace: [does] Janis: 👍 Janis: always handy to have Grace: yeah Janis: not ready yet but can preview it when I'm done Grace: not sure I wanna 👀🍿 her snatching that sweet boy's virginity but thanks Janis: she weren't that careless Janis: thankfully Janis: you'll 👀 Grace: 👌👌 Janis: How's Els? Grace: UM why? What did you do? Janis: Nothing Janis: she fell on her arse, did she not Grace: Oh that Grace: it was no worse than when Asia dropped your bf Grace: how's your ankle? Janis: If I didn't know how thick she was, assume Mia put her up to it Janis: it's annoying Janis: need it to be better for when we get back Grace: literally so many 🐕🐩 to walk, what would you even do? Janis: exactly, can make loads in holidays, those 7 hours free really add up Grace: I'd offer to help but so can I 👶🍼 Janis: I'll survive Janis: take one of Billie's old chairs if necessary, get them to pull me along Grace: 😂😂 Grace: ask Mia what shifts barista boy is down for, maybe he can help Janis: in theory worth it Janis: but she'd probably be weirdly smug about her knowing instead of me Grace: true, just ask him Grace: 🤞💜 Janis: ain't sharing my pay Grace: he'd totally do it for free cos he's SO 😍😍😍 Janis: yeah yeah Janis: that'd fade well fast when faced with 6am and dog shit Grace: Hello?! He gets up earlier than that to serve ☕ and clean bathrooms Janis: we've all got very glamorous lives Grace: 🙄🙄 Grace: HIGHKEY should tell Craig to get tested but like I don't want him to think I'm 💔 Grace: ugh Janis: slip a 📝 under his door Janis: - a concerned citizen Grace: so retro Grace: love it Grace: idk if I even have any paper?? Janis: we have to do some exit survey bullshit don't we Grace: do we? Grace: EW Janis: mhmm, already planning my constructive criticism, obvs Grace: @ Mr Lucas what are you even doing here?! SO GROSS Janis: pretty sure he's following me Janis: fair, did cut the two spare ties he brought (??) in half Grace: OMG! you've literally saved someone's life tbh Grace: he's that creepy Janis: reckons we've got full term detention when we get back Janis: so sorry I foiled your plan, definitely wanna spend more alone time with you, sounds good Grace: 🙄🙄 Grace: so sorry you're short & gross & single & mad about it, hun Janis: if mum actually makes me go, it'll be my 🩸 on his 🧤 and her 🤲 Grace: she won't even Grace: not for that long Janis: 🤞 Janis: if all he cares about are the holes in all his 🩲 and not finding out what else I did, then she won't be as pissed off as she could be Grace: what else did you do?? Grace: also EW for that visual, babes Janis: 🤫 Janis: you didn't have to touch 'em Grace: you've literally made it even easier for him to touch himself, excuse you Janis: 😂😂 Janis: 📸 that for the online burn book Grace: can he get enough hate to retire please?! so over what a freak he is Janis: ain't we all Grace: maybe he won't be able to take us for any more activities thanks to the wardrobe malfunctions you caused 🤞🤞 Grace: 🙏 Janis: could be his day CANCELLED 👌🍆💦🥴 Grace: STOP Grace: I don't wanna see 🍆💦 applied to him EVER Janis: it'll stop him being so 🤬🤬 on the bus Grace: the breakfasts here are literally gross enough the 1st time around, can you not make it come back up!! Janis: yeah, pretty rough Janis: that'll be why the gals have been skipping, yeah 😏 Grace: 🙄 Grace: Don't even, she wants me to Grace: I don't have the energy to fight with her about it even after eating, sorry not sorry, babes Janis: no wonder she's taken to spreading STIs Janis: wanna take out as many people as she can, that one Grace: idk what goes through her head, 1st barista boy, now Craig Grace: thank god if I was actually 😍 she'd clearly have no idea Janis: he's not the worst looking Grace: barista boy? DUH Grace: we all see your 😍😍😍 hun Janis: I meant Craig and you know it Grace: like I said, he was cute Janis: shame he's now 50% likely to have the clap Grace: I'll write him that note, it's been forever since I did a good deed Grace: 🙏😇 Janis: nan be 💃 Grace: maybe now she'll love me 🤞🖤 Janis: she loves no one but dad and the LORD Janis: allegedly on that last one Grace: as far as she's concerned they were basically the same person so Janis: where was his dad, tbh Janis: maybe he was 1/3 Janis: 2/3 now Janis: 👶🏾👻 Grace: 🤷 Janis: she'll ask the lady at church who can talk to spirits, that's what she was on about to mum last I heard Janis: gonna stay in touch now he's dead, clearly Grace: 🙄🙄🙄 Grace: I won't be taking Craig to 🙏 his STI away then Janis: cute date idea Grace: IKR?! Grace: so tragic that we'll both have to miss out Janis: 💔 be a trip to the clinic with Mia instead Grace: more like a solo trip Grace: she's already forgotten that boy Janis: poor, poor David Janis: what fond memories is he gonna have looking back Grace: 🐍🐁 Grace: but that's a v relatable mood, this trip has been the WORST Janis: has it? Grace: not for you, obvs Janis: just remembering that one where you pissed yourself and then cried the whole time Janis: it's at least one up on that Grace: EXCUSE YOU Grace: literally don't bring up that you've ever known me, thanks so much Janis: there's no selling that storyline, sadly Grace: there so is Janis: the name's a dead giveaway Grace: & it still wouldn't be the wildest rumour ever spread Janis: reality is boring in comparison to what they can cook up Grace: duh Janis: go ahead and have a go then Grace: 🤷🤷 there's enough rumours about you & your bf rn Grace: it'd get swallowed faster than poor Craig 💔 Janis: what's the best one you heard then Grace: they're literally all so cringe Janis: go on Grace: 🙄🙄 Grace: no thanks Janis: 🎈🎉💩 Grace: it's bad enough I have to 👀 you IRL I'm not trying to gossip in 🗨 too Grace: try Mia or El Grace: they can't get over your 💖 life Janis: 'course they can't Janis: 💔💔 real devastated Grace: mhmm Janis: Ella should be buzzing Janis: but seeing Mia 😢 makes her 😭 Grace: she's too 💔 her fake injury didn't work & yours is real Janis: she can have it Janis: fucking stupid Janis: if this trip weren't a waste of time before Grace: you should totally forget about doing whatever if you wanna get better for hols Janis: doing what? Janis: it's not like we've done anything that taxing Grace: sure but anyway Janis: I can't spend any more time doing nothing Grace: like you said, we already are Janis: you know what I mean Grace: yeah Janis: maybe we'll go do something else Janis: idk Grace: you've got like the perfect excuse not to be under Mr Lucas' 👀 so Janis: I do, might make him join in though Janis: 'cos he hates us Janis: and then I just get bored Grace: OMG stop giving me gross visuals Janis: ?? Grace: anything involving him is like traumatising Grace: he needs to stay on the side lines, thank you Janis: bit harsh Janis: he's northern, not a monster Grace: 😂 but not even Janis: 😏 Grace: whatever Grace: it'll be over soon Janis: the trip? Janis: well observed Grace: duh not gonna kms over breakfast Janis: thought you meant my 💘 Grace: Mia wishes Grace: everyone else will obvs be 💔 Janis: give 'em a good thing Grace: they have so many #s and there'll be more when you dump him Grace: it'll keep everyone busy no matter how many boys she 🐍 and obvs me the freedom to 😢 and wet myself on this trip too so Grace: love that Grace: thanks, babes Grace: 🙌💜🙌 Janis: sounds like a wild time Janis: you are welcome Grace: sure Janis: enjoy your watersports, like Grace: 👌👌

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weareallmadhere10 · 4 years

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This is what I just decided...

I have a whole lot of crazy in my head, and really I see a straight jacket in my future if I can't find something that grounds me, so maybe my darkness doesn't eat me alive. And I know I'm different and difficult at times especially because I will say the hard things and ask the hard questions. I'm honest I take responsibility for everything I can even when I know the worst may come. I try to be a better human everyday, and I know that people see me as a stone to lean on and they forget that I have legs, and they rarely consider the work it takes to be a stone, so maybe you should ask the stone before you decide it will hold you up. But they also forget the unique perspectives and opportunity the stone has, because its still quiet and unremarkable, it sees everything after a while and it learns your body language and it knows when your honest and when your not and it knows when you are in need and when you are not. But the stone also realizes that if much more pressure is put on it, it may just crack and some people keep adding weight. And the incredibly shitty part about being the stone that holds you up, is when the cracks start even when they are seen noone takes some weight off and when it finally cracks, you will leave it there and will never try to muster the strength to put it back the way you found it at best.

It confuses me greatly when people play games and don't say what they mean, it really isn't that hard once you really start. And see I have always wanted to be good I strive for it but the closer I get to people in this world, it makes me ask myself why. Why do right by those that will never return the favor. Why should I give when everyone else gets to take.

After all the things I have seen of this world I don't know that I want to be a member of it, (unfortunately the card board rocketship is being repaired) and I don't know why but I had decided I wanted to try and exist in it and be apart of it but it seems stones do not fit into that puzzle. Never the right shape I guess. I didn't really understand that it would be this hard to try and let people see me and know me, I didn't know that faking and pretending was always necessary. I didn't understand that I would be expected to know how to play weird games of tit for tat and let's try to see who made more mistakes or I want you I don't want you games that I don't understand like, I tried to but I don't and I do not have the patience or mental capacity to play them. I don't understand why people see things they can do to improve and they don't, but they are quick to tell you what you should do.

And why do all these normal people believe they can keep pushing you into this corner painting you with all these things that a stone can never be, and expect you to be ok with it and not react? Why do they speak to you like they have no sense? Where this stone is from doing that only leads to one lesson, and see I have been trying not to be that person in this normal people world, but I feel as if maybe my world has the better answer for people that speak like they have never been ktfo there is a remedy for that.

I came with the best intentions, blindly, in hopes that there was honesty and maybe some hope in this world maybe a good reason to be apart of all this.

But it seems like everyone is good with 10,000 distractions and being blind and convincing themselves of there innocence as if the harm they do has no effect and no consequences. Strangers hurting strangers. But I would recommend if your going to hurt someone make sure you know what that person is made of.

At least where I am from if someone puts a knife in you its your gut not your back most of the time.

Here with with all these supposed good tax paying members of society, even when they stab you in the back they tell you it was your fault they did it and then won't even tell you wtf for.

I personally don't think that truth would be so lethal if everyone told it.

It wouldn't be so hard if people could admit their flaws mistakes sins and move on to improve.

And why can't people accept that yes others have feelings about what you do, say, don't say and feelings are had and dealt with and moved on from. Hopefully making both people better for it. Feelings should not be weapons or a tool used to deflect pain that you caused own it.

Why can't a relationship be whatever it is and both parties be aware of what they are choosing so they can decide what they can live with. If its transparent and honest and you deal with things together like a partnership, and if you commit why is it so hard to stand by that commitment?

And why does love cost so much? It should be free and even the piss smelling man sleeping in the ditch deserves it. Its not that hard to give. When you see someone breaking it won't kill you to just smile let them know that you see them, because everyone wants their pain to be acknowledged and maybe your smile gives them enough hope to live and you saved a life for nothing?

Sometimes all it takes is a soft echo for someone to put one more foot infrount of the other.

But seems like people would rather hoard love than give it.

Why do people use words that they don't understand. So much empty air.

Words like LOYALTY.

Thats not supposed to be a temporary thing. Loyalty does not mean that when we part ways that loyalty shouldn't be there anymore. The hole point of it is to be permanent maybe it adjust in dynamic but if you say you are loyal that doesn't mean you can turn it on and off when it suites you that's just fake.

Why can't we just keep it simple, doesn't anyone understand that most people have already been through enough.

Well that's what the stone thinks today.

#Spotify

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uk-news-talking-politics · 5 years

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I worked with Thatcher and Heath but I can't call myself a Conservative anymore

By Roger Boaden

With the Conservative party in its current state, it's not surprising One Nation Tories are abandoning it in droves. I worked for it for 30 years in a number of senior positions, including the organisation and management of election campaign tours for Edward Heath and Margaret Thatcher in the 1970s and 1980s. So this is a particularly tough admission to make, but it's not my party anymore. As a Brit living in Europe, I've seen it discard people like me without even a second thought. Decisions are made about our lives that have a profound impact on people living here, but no-one in government seems to care. I thought Brexit would end this way. I've always belonged to the pro-European wing of the party, a part which has now been almost completely purged. My belief in the European project began when I was 15, taking part in the school debating society. In one debate I argued for the EEC & EFTA to join forces. Then, in 1962 I helped to lay a wreath at a cross in Berlin's Bernauer Strasse, where a young German, Bernd Lünser, fell to his death as he tried to escape the Volks Polizei, from what had become East Berlin months before. I was close to Margaret Thatcher, even though we were only face-to face-periodically. Whenever we met, she always addressed me as 'Roger dear'. When I left party employment in 1988, she had a farewell evening for me in Downing Street. We agreed about the single market before she became eurosceptic. Laying that wreath in Berlin brought it home to me that Bernd Lünser was prepared to die to protect his freedom of movement. So, for me, the free movement of people, goods and ideas across national borders has been the greatest achievement of the European project. The cavalier disregard with which Theresa May used the withdrawal agreement to negotiate away free movement for me and the 1.3 million Brits living in the EU27 after Brexit was painful. I am retired and don't need it for working across Europe in the way that many others do - 80% of Brits in Europe are working age or younger - but the emotional wrench of losing this symbolic right is impossible to describe. The decision in 2016 to leave the EU was a shock, particularly as I am now convinced it was achieved by the ruthless manipulation of personal data by billionaires from both sides of the Atlantic. Now, one of the architects of that manipulation has achieved the leadership of what was my party. He is determined to destroy the UK by leaving the EU with no deal. Like its predecessor, the Boris Johnson administration is determined to wash its hands of its own nationals on the continent as soon as it legally can. How else do you explain last week’s announcement by Matt Hancock that the government will no longer indefinitely continue to fund S1 healthcare for 180,000 pensioners, disabled people and a small number of posted workers living in the EU27? Lots of British pensioners retired to the continent after a life of work, paying UK tax and social security contributions. Getting access to UK government funded healthcare in their country of residence, which they are currently entitled to as EU citizens, was an important factor in their plans. Many just survive on the UK state pension - already the lowest in the OECD. They cannot afford private healthcare in the countries where they currently reside. Many cannot even afford to join local healthcare systems. If they were somehow able to move back to the UK, many don't know if they could access the NHS straight away. People older than me, undergoing major treatment for cancer, do not know whether they will still be able to get it a year after a no-deal Brexit. They are trapped. At best, the government is signalling that it is prepared to play politics with people's lives in order to bring the EU27 to the table. At worst, it is telling its own retirees that it will cut the cord on any moral obligation or sense of human decency the minute it possibly can. Labour are only marginally better. Last week its conference voted to support the right to vote of all overseas nationals resident living in the UK. I support that. But what about Brits overseas? We're hugely affected by changes in UK law and politics. We should be able to vote on our futures. Ironically Labour's historic reluctance to support this move has been because it thinks all overseas Brits are Tories. Hopefully this piece will help burst that idea. If someone like me no longer feels part of the present day Conservative Party, many others won't either. The Conservatives have torn themselves apart over Brexit. We need a change of government before they can do more damage.

#Brexit

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autism-asks · 7 years

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(1) I'm going get to therapy because of trauma and it's extremely taxing. I have to take a support worker because I can't use public transport or introduce myself to the receptionist, agoraphobia and semi-verbal etc. Today she decided with no warning to try and make me go by myself and for once I gave a hard No, which was hard because I hate asking for help but I try super hard and she just dismissed my issues and feelings because she decided I just need a push and I'll be Normal™.

(2) and now I feel like shit because on top of reliving child abuse she’s making me completely doubt myself. I already beat myself up for not just being able to do things everyone else can and she’s supposed to be a mental health professional (though she has real actual training and actually wants to be a probation officer). Realistically therapy will help but I’ll never be at the same level as NT people my age but because I can almost-pass as NT when im one on one in a safe space she has

(3) decided I don’t need the support I’m given. It took two hospitalisations (thought it was depression, was really autistic burnout) to get the help I get, which isn’t really enough but I refuse to ask for more because I feel like a drain on the system (UK, living on pip and ESA). There is no changing her views, not even when my care team (cpn, psychiatrist, therapist etc) gently tries to explain. Do you have any advice on how to cope with this situation? I’ve been going non verbal more and

(4) more, stimming more, shutting down more and I’m worried that if I burn out I’ll be seen as non-compliant and the support i get will be withdrawn. Confronting my trauma is making those symptoms worse too, but she doesn’t give a rat’s arse about that either. I don’t have facial expressions or any other obvious signs of something being wrong because autism and trauma. I’ve explained my signs (different stimming, inability to speak etc) but she isn’t very observant and or doesn’t care

I’m sorry you have to deal with this. No one should have to deal with this kind of invalidation, especially from someone whose job it is to help.

My first piece of advice is to report your support worker if at all possible. She has a job to do and is refusing to do it. Her management should be made aware and the appropriate steps should be taken. It is not her place to be making judgments about what you need, particularly when you have a care team whose jobs are to make these determinations. If you are at all able to, report her for not doing her job. Hopefully she will either be reprimanded and start doing a better job or she will be replaced with someone who can actually do their job.

In the meantime, try to remember that you are worthy of help. It’s ok that you can’t do things that others can do. We all have different abilities, and having different abilities than the people around you doesn’t make you any lesser. You deserve to have the help you need in order to live your best life possible.

Try to set aside time for self-care. While therapy can be very helpful, it can also resurface things that are hard to deal with. Take care of yourself. Whether that’s engaging with a special interest, setting aside time for stimming, watching bad tv, or anything else that refreshes and recharges you. Allow yourself time for rest and renewal.

I hope this helps!

Followers, if you have any other advice, feel free to add on!

-Sabrina

#trauma #therapy #support worker #invalidation #self care #child abuse tw #abuse tw #anonymous

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just6f · 2 years

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