#I hope that if I ever do manage to make my graphic novel into a TV show that I will maintain enough control over the project to ensure
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✨ Hello all it is that time once again!! ✨
Do you like queer sci-fi and fantasy? Do you see the same books recommended everywhere? After a year I’m back with a collection of strange and sometimes dark books that you may have heard of, but I hope I’ve found a few you haven’t! I’m just chucking these into the void so if you enjoy these recs or have read any, let me know!
Meet Us by the Roaring Sea, Akil Kumarasamy
Honeycomb, Joanne M Harris
Hot Head, Simon Ings
Are You Listening, Tillie Walden
Hell Followed With Us, Andrew Joseph White
Enigma, Peter Milligan and Duncan Fegredo
Ninefox Gambit, Yoon Ha Lee
Salt Slow, Julia Armfield
Never Have I Ever, Isabel Yap
All the Hometowns You Can’t Stay Away From, Izzy Wasserstein
I’ll put the full descriptions below the cut, but as always I’d love to hear if you have any more recommendations!
Meet Us by the Roaring Sea, by Akil Kurasamy
Meet Us by the Roaring Sea by Akil Kumarasamy was one of the strangest books I’ve read this year, but also one of my favourites by far. This is a story within a story, following both the near-future second-person narration of a woman training an AI while grieving her mother, and the lives of a group of Tamil medical students. This is a story about grief and the sensationalization of war and the things we do to live each day—but at its heart, it’s a story about women who love each other in whatever way they can. This book has some of the most gorgeous prose I’ve encountered in a long time, and it’s strange and meandering and contemplative.
Honeycomb, by Joanne M. Harris
Honeycomb by Joanne M. Harris follows the well-trodden path of fairy stories—a child swapped, a woman seeing what she was never meant to and being blinded for it—and slowly expands into an intricate web of stories and characters. Worlds within worlds within stories make up this book, and the illustrations by Charles Vess bring everything to life. The characters in these stories feel ancient in a way I can’t explain, and if you enjoyed the Starless Sea you’ll almost certainly enjoy this.
Are You Listening, by Tillie Walden
Are You listening is a book that I’ve picked up over and over again—it’s a graphic novel which I can finish in one sitting, and each time I have to sit and think and just feel afterwards. This is a story of a girl who’s run away from home, and who encounters another woman heading on her own way. What started as an escape becomes a road trip across Texas full of cats and shifting roads and tiny quiet moments. Strange and dreamlike at times, this book manages to make me cry over each character and their individual stories every time.
Tw for references to SA
Hell Followed With Us
Hell Followed With Us is one of those books that I didn’t realize how hard it was hitting me until I finished and couldn’t function for two hours. This book follows a young man in a world plagued by a disease that makes mindless monsters out of its victims—only he’s been infected by the church he was raised under, and he’s slowly turning into something much worse. Benji tries to escape, but his past isn’t ready to let him go just yet and the infection is only getting worse. The author describes this book as beginning as a ‘fit of rage’, which is truly the only way to describe it. While this is technically a YA book, beware of body horror, transphobia, religious extremism and disease. Somehow this book managed to look inside me and see so many things I’d never been able to put into words, all bundled up in a mass of viscera and grieving boys.
Enigma, by Peter Milligan
I discovered this comic through a newsletter from Charlie Jane Anders, and then proceeded to absolutely lose my mind over it and have to tell everyone I know about it. Enigma is a story about a man stuck in a dead-end job and a dead-end relationship, who suddenly finds that the characters of his favourite childhood superhero comic have come to life. The art style is gorgeous though it changes throughout the book, and Enigma swerves between a vast and bizarre story of gods in wells and far too many lizards, to incredibly intimate moments and interesting characters. Be prepared for body horror and a constant general sense of unease.
Ninefox Gambit, by Yoon Ha Lee
If last year was giving in to reading Gideon, this was my year of going insane over Ninefox Gambit by Yoon Ha Lee (this is sadly the only space opera on this year’s list). Ninefox Gambit has everything I love in science fiction—casually queer characters, intricate universes, strange definitions of self and TRAUMA. Someone please get these two some therapy. When a major position of power is attacked, Kel Cheris finds herself with a promotion to general and the disgraced strategist who massacred his crew inside her head. The thing that stands out to me about Yoon Ha Lee’s work is his characterizations—even the most minor character has quirks to make them feel like a person, which is only stronger in the main characters.
Salt Slow, by Julia Armfield
Saltslow is the first of three anthologies on this list, and it’s the debut collection by Julia Armfield (who wrote Our Wives Under the Sea. For an idea of what you’re getting into). Following the trend of strange and a little dark this year, a lot of these stories border on horror and explore experiences like losing your ability to sleep, shape shifting through puberty and being a roadie to a band that leaves mass violence in its wake. While Our Wives Under the Sea will definitely stay my favourite Julia Armfield book, Saltslow managed to pack a whole lot into such short stories full of queer women and trans feels.
Never Have I Ever, by Isabel Yap
I picked up Never Have I Ever on a whim and I’m so glad I did, since it definitely ranked in my top anthologies of the year. Never Have I Ever is a collection of short stories, often centered around Filipino and Japanese folk lore (although there is one story about a wizard in San Francisco making a love potion, what of it). This collection ranges from funny to sad and explores Filipino culture, the anti-drug campaigns and the horror that is growing up. Often short stories feel unfinished but every part of this collection felt well thought out and polished, plus the cover is gorgeous.
All the Hometowns you Can’t Stay Away From, by Izzy Wasserstein
The final anthology, All The Hometowns You Can’t Stay Away From is mostly sci-fi with a handful of fantasy-leaning stories, though whatever technology there may be takes a back-seat to the characters who stood out as the heart of each piece. Unplaces, a story set up as a researcher’s notes in the margins of an atlas, desperately trying to make the world a better place in whatever way she can, and Everything the Sea Takes, It Returns—a story about living after the end of the world—were the two that really stuck with me. The writing here is perhaps more straightforward than some other entires on the list, but each story is a perfect little piece of character and emotions which truly make an excellent anthology.
Anyway, that’s this year’s list! Go forth and read more strange queer books, and support your local libraries!
#book recommendations#queer books#ninefox gambit#queer scifi#tillie Walden#book recs#here we go. this wasn’t my best year of books but I still managed to drag together enough to make my list!#these lists keep getting broader and broader haha#I need to find more space operas to satisfy my need
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Hils Watches The King's Avatar - Ep 40
It doesn't feel like 5 minutes ago that I started this drama. It's so very bingeable.
It's been a real journey. None of this has been what I expected beyond the very basic concept of 'it's a drama about esports'. There have been so many wonderful surprises. There are characters that I hated that I now love, characters that I loved that I now love even more, and more ships than I ever expected to ship.
While I'm at it I want to say a heartfelt thank you to everyone who has popped up in the replies to my posts or in my asks to either answer my questions or just yell about their favourite characters. I can tell this drama (and the novel and donghua) are so well loved and liveblogging this has really felt like a community experience. Thank you for not laughing at all the stuff I got wrong and for not making fun of me for shipping everyone. It's really been so wonderful and I almost don't want to press play on the final episode because I don't want it to be over.
But I need to see what happens so let's go!
Ah, okay. I misunderstood what happened at the end of the last episode. I thought they'd lost the game but no they could still win they just didn't have enough points to win the championship.
Is there going to be some loophole like the whole 'oh the ref's watch broke so actually you won'
HAHA! I fucking knew it! They got an extra two points for beating a league record. Because apparently that is a rule that has never been mentioned until now.
Eh, whatever. There was a nice moment with the fans before the found out they'd won
Ye Xiu finally gets the hug that he's needed since episode 1
Good lord how is there 30 minutes left? What's going to happen now that they've won?
God I hope Sun Xiang punches him
Except of course he won't because he's all grown up now. Also, typically it's the coaches/managers that get fired when a team does badly. I hope he gets booted
Love Shaotian dragging Wenzhou to his feet so he can cheer
Remember when their entire fanbase was just this guy. I'm definitely not crying at all
Look at that little half smile. He's grown so much considering they only lost on a technicality. I do think he's at least a little bit happy for Ye Xiu as the better player (for now)
GDI I can't believe I'm crying over Sun Xiang AGAIN
LOL remember when I thought he was going to be the antagonist of the drama when I watched the first episode. How wrong I was
Haha yes let's have a little joke about the time when I nearly banned you for life in the middle of an important game and caused your team to lose as a result
I have in no way been thinking about writing some King's Avatar fic with one based on the fact that Ye Xiu passes out after one drink
HAHA! Mo Fan pretended to pass out too so he doesn't have to talk to anyone. He is such a mood
Oh shit! I did not see that coming!
Oh no he looks so sad to see his former team like this, and it's understandable. He built that team from the ground up and put so much time and work into making them the legends they were
Yes, good. Baozi is cuddling one of his boyfriends as he should
Ah, yay, I'd forgotten about the team graphic. Time to add one more person right before the end
And finished! That was wonderful! Definitely in my top 5 dramas that I've watched this year. Might even be the number one, actually. I definitely should have watched that years ago when people first told me to give it a try. But, you know, I firmly believe you find things when you were meant to find them. Now was good.
I'll be starting a new drama tomorrow. If you were just here for my King's Avatar posts it's been lovely to have you. If you're sticking around for other liveblogs I'll see you tomorrow for more yelling :D
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Have you ever felt that nothing you do makes sense? as if everything you've ever done, thought or imagined, everything, was something that was never worth it. There are days when I start to think if my life has any meaning, will there be any purpose in the fact that I am alive? I don't know and I don't know if I want to know.
On days like these I can only think about how different I wish my life was. I wish to travel to another reality, another universe, another dimension, where things are different. Maybe a life with a little more emotions, or at least one where I can have someone to call a best friend, and be able to share with that person, maybe we wouldn't have the same tastes, But I want someone with whom I can spend time without getting bored, it would be nice someone who knows how to notice when I have a bad day and tries to make me laugh to change my mood.
But I'm here, in my room reading fanfics and listening to music while I write this thing that nobody cares about. Maybe I should try to get out of my shell, But it is difficult to find people with my tastes, and who do not end up boring me, why do they try to change my way of being, how I think or my way of acting.
I should try to do that reality shift thing, maybe it works, I could see what it's like to live in a world where I can be a little more me. The question is, what fictional world am I going to? I like to read, I really like anime and manga, also comics and graphic novels, It's a hard decision.
Of books: maybe I would like to live in the mingo of Harry Potter, Percy Jackson or any other that includes a bit of magic.
From animes/manga: this is difficult, I want to live in almost all the ones I've seen, he didn't name them why otherwise this would be endless.
Maybe I tried tonight and ended up in a world where I helped takemichi save Hinata and managed to save Baji, Emma and Izana.
Able ended up in one where I help Leo build things in the half-blood camp while we talk and joke around and where we have to go on a mission with another half-blood to get something back.
The possibilities are many, maybe I decide to end up in one where me and the Weasley twins prank the pink toad before they leave hogwarts, yes that would be an interesting world
Well, a half-delusional girl says goodbye who writes weird things when she's depressed.
I hope that whoever reads this can one day be a cloud, without obligations or worries.
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Hello again everyone! This was probably not the next part you hoped for but I hope I can explain well.
@raisans-art has made some really good AUs, such as the Human Illusion Au. One of them is the Chimera Emmet Au where Emmet is captured and experimented on, turning him into Agee after being fused with his Pokémon. Those who watched episode 4 of Fullmetal Alchemist are getting flashbacks
Well, they made a quick sketch of if Ingo was the one turned, called Chei, and I made a drawing for that afterwards because I have enjoyed both designs. As a child I loved transformations and stories of experiment or body horror, so that’s probably a factor. I later drew a mini comic for it detailing how the first night would go down, as well as a side comic of ghost Emmet. I made hints that a part two would come, and even released a WIP of one of the images. Well…I can’t say it won’t ever happen, perhaps months later, but I don’t think I will finish it right now(most of the betas were deleted anyway, either on purpose for space or by accident because of fat fingers). I have Aspergers, and I can hyperfixate on things. This can be for weeks, months, years, even forever in a couple cases. Chimera Emmet happened to be one of those(the twins are still an interest, but I got into several AUs based on them because of it) and I been seeing it since it’s early stages when Emmet was still himself in there. I just didn’t have the courage to fanart it till Chei came out as I love both but lean more to drawing Ingo. I have really enjoyed drawing the two and seeing their interactions, how this bad end line would go, and mentally thinking up things. It was also nice to see other people’s excitement over this and sees their asks created more drawings and pieces. Not recently I’ve been feeling the start of the interest drop. I hate when this happens because you love the thing but you can feel yourself slowly drift from it and it…sucks. I have the outlines ready to be draw but not the push or energy to complete it. I did managed to finish one, being a drawing of the remaining four Pokémon and Pels going to Juniper and Drayden, but unfortunately this was one of the ones that got accidentally deleted and I can’t recover it(which was possibly another push). On top of that I have actually started doing commissions, and being these and the two projects I’m working on(my graphic novel and my favorite list), Ive been a bit drained myself. I have betas for a couple though that were detailed enough to be salvageable, so I won’t put them to waste.
This was supposed to be Chei reading the floor apology made by Agee, anxiously waiting for a response.
This one was supposed to be Ingo’s spirit sensing something wrong, while Agee comforts a weakened Chei while they think of a way to escape.
And my personal favorite, Ingo’s spirit panicking while Emmet’s spirit starts trying to piece together what happened while wishing he was still alive because Chei and Agee would make for an interesting double battle duo(even in death he thinks of battle strategies)
It saddens me to not have full pictures to share, but I won’t leave you empty handed. I’ll share what I was thinking up if I made the final two parts: so after the first night, Chei wakes up to find a poorly drawn apology on the floor from Agee, who still feels guilty for hurting their friend(and shocked when they see Chei is healed) by accident. Though not fully forgiving yet, Chei accepts the apology and slowly starts being less cautious around Agee. Eventually this comes to head when Agee protects Chei from a threat(most likely the scientists) which fully gains the latter’s trust so the two begin to become friends. During this the remaining four mons meet up with Pels(given this Au has mostly the same beginning, Pels still tagged along and escaped the scientists during the chaos that was capturing Ingo) and reluctantly decide the best course of action is to try to tell others, as they feel with Pels with the they could possibly convince someone. Ingo and Emmet’s souls are in limbo, not having moved on due to the circumstances of their deaths(I headcanoned in my ghost Emmet comic that he couldn’t move on until he knew that Ingo was alright and moving forward, so here the two likely wouldn’t till they both pieced together what happened and got justice for the experiments) watch as time pass and the fusions truly become family. However Ingo senses something is amiss and sure enough Chei is growing weaker. Unlike Agee, Chei is an unstable fusion due to the damage before the experiment. Agee colors dull in these bad conditions but Chei’s body and especially souls struggle to handle it, and start to unravel. Agee refuses to let his buddy die and decide to work with Chei to try to escape. That would’ve been part two. The final part would’ve been Chei and Agee combining their moves(multi train style) to break through the glass and begin and escape. They start breaking out everyone and fighting back the scientists when Chei grows too weak to fight and Agee protects him. Before they can be detained, Rescue arrive with the remaining Pokémon, Pels, and the humans fighting to incapacitate the scientists. Chei is wary around them since trust issues, but Agee is grateful for their help and lifts Chei onto his back to carry him. Once the scientists are defeated. The others help Agee out getting everyone outside where the chimera lays Chei down. The fusion would’ve curled up under a tree with Agee and the others by, leaving it ambiguous if Chei was getting better and healing, or peacefully passing away in a nicer area that wasn’t a cell. The final frame would’ve been the twins, now satisfied the experiments were freed and given justice, walking off into the afterlife together. Not a perfect story but I had fun with it. Now…I did prepare something to give you a nugget anyway:
And here it is! Marshrill design was recently released and as someone who loves and theorize the twins becoming Pokémon, this was certainly up my alley and I had to draw at least a quick sketch. Hopefully it makes up for no huge comic update.
But anyway, final huge props to @raisans-art again and I hope you all still enjoyed this. Thank you all, and have a great rest of your day
#agnst#pokemon#pokemon ingo#submas#art#artists on tumblr#pokémon fanart#submas fanart#chimera emmet au
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10 29 43 💜
hello!!
10. a book that got you through something
hmmm. I'd say Radio Silence by Alice Oseman. I read it when I was having a crisis of sexuality and I was in a very bad depressive funk, cooped up in my college dorm room and there's a part towards the end when Aled is like. Literally in the same state and it was sort of cathartic to read about that for me. i mean i tend to be moved by books so very often that I'd say all of them help me get through the every day horrors yk but I guess Radio Silence was kinda special.
Oh! and the six of crows duology. i threw my back out and literally only managed to call people to help me out bc i was like. RHE CROWS CAN DO IT SO YOU CAN TOO AHFHDJDKD
29. your favourite YA novel
oh. OH MAN. okay ykw. i have many. but I'm gonna pick one that needs more attention and i think everyone should read and it's the Mirage series by Somaiya Daud
it's a series that's kind of a sci-fi-ification of the political history of the Amazigh people. the author is an Amazigh woman, and the writing is exquisite, and the plot is just. So Damn Good!! definitely worth a read!!
43. a book that you have read more than three times
I don't reread books too often because my attention span is shit. like once I know the story I keep jumping past. i am trying to change this tho bc like. I keep forgetting quotes and i think rereading is the way to go to remember them agdhdjdk
that being said the book I've reread the most is probably, Hyperbole and A Half by Allie Brosh.
it's just a tiny little graphic memoir and it's hilarious and it always makes me feel better! There's this quote in it that I love so much:
"Nobody can guarantee that it's going to be okay, but - and I don't know if this will be comforting to anyone else - the possibility exists that there's a piece of corn on a floor somewhere that will make you just as confused about why you were laughing as you have ever been about why you are depressed. And even if everything still seems like hopeless bullshit, maybe it's just pointless bullshit or weird bullshit or possibly not even bullshit. I don't know. But when you're concerned that the miserable, boring wasteland in front of you might stretch all the way into forever, not knowing feels strangely hope-like."
there's a second memoir too which is so much sadder because it's about the author's grief after losing her sister, but it was still worth a read!
book recs ask game!
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2022 recap
Let’s see... 2022 was a pretty wild ride, not gonna lie
Shall we start from the beginning? Hmmmm the beginning of 2022..... SheEEEESH. It was my last semester of my final year for my bachelor’s degree in graphic design for marketing (wait, I have a bachelors? LMAOOOO I forget that I have one now holy cow wait a sec). I also remember being very very stressed out about my 3 week practicum I had to do in Feb. Alongside that were a ton of projects like portfolio making, final projects for said portfolio, the grad show etc etc. It was VERY busy and stressful. Luckily, the practicum went on without a hitch, and school projects were done with, and one of the bigger projects was well received so YAY!! And then of course, graduation rolled around in April, and I finally made it!! And then I got hired right after graduation which im still super thankful for cause I got hella lucky, really.
So work started in around late May/early June and it took a while to get used to things. I’ve never worked full time at an office before so there were many things I had to learn and stuff, but other than that I’m just glad I’m able to deliver the things I’m tasked to do, and they seem like they like me, so :’) Of course I still have my moments where I feel like I’m not cut out for the job or I think I’m doing horribly and for some reason think they’re going to fire me any time soon LOOL... but anywho... I started a deskmat project (which is still delayed unfortunately, i don’t want to talk about it...) but hoping that can get picked back up sometime soon... I was also rushing on new prints as well for con season so that was pretty wild.
Summer then came and WHEW. I got covid. Luckily it just felt like a regular cold, so I might have gotten a weaker strain of it. It was quite scary though since I live with family and I was afraid of spreading it to them (of course I ended up doing so cause we share the same bathroom, but they survived) Aside from that, I tabled for the first time in 3 years! AND I DID GREAT! I really missed tabling and honestly it might have been because of the turnout at the events but damn I did better than I’ve ever did, which is crazy. It really makes me want to get better and table more, but it do be pretty exhausting. Anyway, the summer was great imo, but jesus the fall took a nosedive.
September was alright, and for the second time, I didn’t have to worry about going back to school anymore which was kind of surreal again. I was finishing up the art commissions that I paused to work on the anime convention prints. I finished those up so I can focus on the Yuri Game Jam 2022 in Oct-Nov but little did I know.............. I would not be able to make it v n v. I underestimated the time management needed while working a 9-5 job and my lack of discipline... Also cause I didn’t have a clear vision of this year’s game which made me literally go in circles until I had no time left by the time I actually kind of had something down.... I became so stressed over the story that it branched out to other bad thoughts and I just spiraled really hard. Things that I said I would not let bother me had bothered me again and god I hated it so much. Why can’t I just... not think about those things. Hoping to stop those thoughts in 2023 though. So yeah I got really stressed so sadly I had to shelve the project and not release anything for this year’s game jam. I was very disappointed in myself, and it was a very tough decision to break my visual novel streak but I had to do what I had to do. After dropping the project I felt much much much much much better. Hoping to revisit the project again sometime though, now that I decided to release it whenever it’s ready (but will i have the proactiveness to go back to it? that is another story LOL)
So November was over with and December rolled around. December itself was stressful yet okay at the same time? Stressful in terms of spiraling at work again, but I also managed to just chill out and do whatever. And of course, the week-long break from work helped a ton (as I’m writing this thinking back I did absolutely nothing that week but that’s what I wanted most) Hopefully I’ll go back to work rejuvenated again cause I was clearly burnt out from work lmao. I should make use of my vacation days more man. Anyway since it was recent, I vividly remembering spiraling again over subject that shall not be mentioned, and I had no one to ground myself with so I had to try to ground myself somehow which I do try to do more so than rely on others. Luckily I recovered from the spiraling relatively quickly, so maybe it’s an improvement and if I ever encounter that subject again it’ll be an even faster recovery and soon it will be over? That’s what I’m hoping for 2023. Definitely a goal. Please let my 2023 self not let it bother me anymore please please please please (though i think i said that in 2022 no? hahaha) i jsut want to be loved v n v and not feel like my friends are leaving me one by one :’))))))))))))))))))))))))
ANYWAY Thank you for reading until the end. Ultimately, I want to worry less about subjects that make me go insane and just be happier. I’m a Bocchi that needs to find a close knit of supportive friends that can make me take another step in life :’)))))) LOOOOL And of course, I would like to draw more. Planning on opening art commissions in the new year some time soon so stay tuned. Hoping to table some more too! Though I don’t have much to sell hahahaha;;; Well then, until next year!
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How to Make Comics
Hello! I definitely meant to answer this question earlier, but I knew it’d end up being a really long post, so I wanted to be able to sit down and answer this properly.
First off, I’d decide what kind of comic I want to create. Will it be a huge epic? A gag-a-day comedy? Will it ever be printed?
With digital comics, you could give each page a different-sized layout or even animations if you wanted to! These are all things that are hard to translate into a physical book. You also wouldn’t need to worry about things like page bleed. Or color choices - in my experience, digital art prints way darker than you’d expect.
The stories I have planned and am currently working on are graphic novels, so I don’t have much advice when it comes to newspaper-styled weeklies. But, if this is the kind of stuff you want to make, then my tips might help!
My starting point for making comics was having some character designs lying around that I wanted to use for something. Some people come up with the story first, but for me, it was the characters. If that’s your style, then concept art is a good way to plan out the “feel” of your comic:
IMO it’s very easy to fall into the trap of drawing concept sketches forever, so at some point, you will need to move on to outlining the plot of your comic and writing your first draft. All first drafts suck, so once you’ve reached the end, you’ll immediately have to go back and edit things as needed.
Some resources I used to figure out how writing works are Wired For Story by Lisa Cron, as well as Jim Butcher’s Livejournal posts.
Comics invariably take a long time to make unless you choose a super-simple art style, so I included things like camera angles and other details in my script, to remind myself how to draw a particular scene when I finally reached it. Here’s the script version of a page I finished and posted a while back:
Scripting your entire comic this early on means that you won’t be investing huge amounts of time into making any changes to the story. Rewriting is much faster than redrawing.
The next big step is sketching thumbnails of how your comic pages will look. Ideally, you’ll want to have finalized sketches of every single page before going any further, but you could do one chapter at a time, depending on your workflow. Here’s what that looks like:
At this stage, I’m mostly focusing on page layout, panel shapes, and speech bubble placement. It’s also a helpful tool to see where your double-page spreads can go (this is when two pages of a physical book are used to create a single, double-wide comic page).
And now comes the fun stuff: deciding what size your comic should be. I didn’t want to think about this at all, so I just grabbed this template from online:
And also this template for double-page spreads:
And these are the sizes I draw Control Freak at, with a resolution of 350 DPI (the minimum recommended resolution for printing is 300 DPI).
Thanks to these templates and the groundwork laid down in the last steps, I can now actually start making the comic! Here’s how I use the template - note that all of the speech bubbles are placed in the “live area”, where they won’t be cut off during printing.
And here’s the finished page:
Now repeat for as long as it takes to finish your comic!
I personally recommend picking a very manageable art style, as comics take ridiculously large amounts of time to make (I have learned Many Things about this from working on Control Freak), but you do you!
Hope this helps you make whatever comics your heart desires ^^
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ON HEARTSTOPPER
Ever since the show's release, there are memes going around on Twitter, with queer people assigning a piece of LGBTQ+ media they grew up with as their Heartstopper. Luckily for me, and for other queer kids and teenagers, my Heartstopper is, well, Heartstopper.
The comic was first published on Tumblr back in 2016 but the characters of Nick and Charlie were much, much older, appearing in Alice Oseman's debut YA novel Solitaire. I didn't know why and how I stumbled upon Heartstopper, but I have been reading a lot of LGBTQ-themed young adult novels at that point and my then-newfound love of graphic novels was already introduced by N.D. Stevenson's Nimona. It had a lot of things that appealed to me – teenage kids, a sensetive look at queerness, fast-paced plot and dialogue – and so I downloaded it and read it. It was a moment of a lifetime.
By then, I probably never realized that it was integral to my discovery of my identity. I was only at Volume 1, just a short narrative of Nick and Charlie's friendship until they inevitably kissed at the end. But it made me feel warm and happy. I never really knew exactly when I started reading it. I looked through the downloaded files on my phone and discovered I saved the first volume just a week before my fifteenth birthday.
At that point, I was starting to come to terms with the fact that I liked girls. I had a crush on this girl a year or so before I started reading Heartstopper, but I never realized what the feeling was until the new school year came. It was terrifying – it kept me up at night, it made me wonder if the signs have been there all along, it made me realize that the fluttering heat in your stomach and the sheer willingness to make your friend happy are not normal experiences of a stone-cold heterosexual.
I found company in books (I was always a massive bookworm). I watched coming-out videos on YouTube. I talked, in some depth, about queerness with my friends. I listened to Hayley Kiyoko, Troye Sivan, King Princess. I had a standard queer realization – cute girl sits next to me, I realize that my identity wasn't I thought it was, I blast Girls Like Girls to myself when I'm alone.
And Heartstopper showed all of that -- all the messy, confusing, and hopeful parts of queer discovery.
Nick thought he was straight his whole life – until he got sat next to openly gay, anxious Charlie. He took 'Am I Gay?' quizzes in the darkness of his bedroom. Nick struggled to fit in his idea of what queerness is until he managed to find his place and label his identity.
I admit, I have only recently gotten aware of the parallels between my life and Heartstopper. I just realized how Heartstopper has been pivotal to my own coming-of-age, to my own anxieties about my identity, to my own Nick-like moments of discovering my sexuality.
Heartstopper transcends beyond the 'boy-meets-boy' narrative that most YA queer novels have, even though the comic is marketed as such. I'm not saying that cute budding gay relationships are not important -- they are and more should be made -- but Heartstopper simply touched on many things and issues that I never anticipated. This was probably the first time I read about a non-white trans girl whose story is not marred by trauma and despair. There is a steady, lesbian couple who, although facing homophobia from peers and classmates, stood strong by each other until the very end. There are accepting teachers and parents and siblings. There is a nuanced discussion about mental health and eating disorders as the comic progresses. There are wholesome, fluffy plotlines -- I do, in fact, think that those are the lifeblood of the comic -- interpersed with realistic, hurtful scenarios, like an abusive closeted boyfriend, school bullies, homophobic family members, and struggles with one's own mental and physical health.
Heartstopper is brilliant, from an objective, comic-making perspective, but it's also emotionally impactful to the people who read it, especially LGBTQ+ children who are still having a difficult time in finding their own place in the world.
For something that tells experiences that are so specific -- Oseman grew up in southeast England, and Heartstopper is set in the same town, schools, and environment -- Heartstopper is massively relatable. I was -- still am -- a teenage kid who moved to a bustling city and studied in a large public high school in the Philippines. The Heartstopper kids studied in same-gendered private grammar schools in a relatively small town in England. Still, Tao's words to Charlie at the beginning of the comic and the show, telling him that Nick is straight and should let go of his hopeless crush on him, mirrored the same speech one of my friends gave to me when I told them of my own hopeless crush on another girl. Despite of the fact that our reasons of changing schools are obviously different, I empathized with Elle and the difficulty she faced in finding friends in a new environment. I found kinship in Nick in regards to working on his sexuality. I felt my feelings echoed when Darcy said she "liked girls a bit more than she's supposed to". Tara's feelings after coming out was painful and heart-achingly relatable. I even found Isaac's (one of the new characters Oseman made for the Netflix adaptation) occassional disinterest hilarious and 'me-coded', as the "kids" on Twitter would say.
Tao spoke to me the most, however. For someone who is the only cisgender and heterosexual member of their immediate friend group, Tao's uneasiness towards change and his brash overprotectiveness over his friends resonated to me a lot.
I think that's part of the beauty and charm of Heartstopper. Sometimes you directly related to one of the characters and the struggles they faced and the happiness they earned, but I personally found bits of myself scattered throughout the comic, the show, and the characters. It's oftentimes funny and, in a few moments, gutting -- I have heard homophobic tirades from older schoolmates against a friend of mine, and I had no idea what to do or what to say. Classic, Catholic homophobia still resides within our school, a different flavor than what was shown in Heartstopper, but still, as usual, brings the same element of hate and incites a wavering feeling of guilt and anger within queer students. Only just recently, I've read a homophobic speech from a batchmate of mine, hidden under the guise of preserving the sanctity of marriage.
Queerness can feel isolating. I have spoken about crushes and attractions on other girls with friends -- I even alluded to those on my own Twitter posts as I had gotten more comfortable -- but I have never really said anything about how alienating it is to be young and Filipino and queer. I'm sure a lot of my friends relate, but these discussions of our intermingling identities are a bit too deep for a bunch of kids who haven't even graduated high school yet. I went on a panic when my father was moments away on discovering that Girls Like Girls was playing on my phone. I felt a deep sense of melancholy as I watched my straight classmates just openly declare their crushes out loud, with no fear of weird stares from onlookers. Just around a year ago, I became withdrawn when a friend mentioned briefly that I liked girls online to complete strangers, when I was still insecure about my identity. And I had no one to talk to about those things.
Heartstopper is one of things that could save people from the feeling of loneliness. Authentic queer media is already so rare, and optimistic, teen-focused narratives are even rarer. It provides a grounded look on what it means to be a part of the LGBTQ+ community, where kids find strength within themselves and amongst their friends. 'Heartstopper' doesn't have a grandiose coming-out-moment with Nick. It doesn't have romantic gestures as big as the Eiffel Tower. It doesn't wallow in gritty events and let the characters be unnecessarily traumatized and hurt. Despite the fact that Heartstopper feels "smaller" than most teenage-oriented media, it still captures the overwhelming feeling of "every little thing is important when you're a teenager". Nick coming out to his mother as bisexual is a quiet and peaceful and loving affair, but it's also freeing and liberating and an important step into his acceptance of himself. Even quaint milkshake triple-dates are crucial events, especially when five out of the six attendees are not completely cis and heterosexual. Queer people being allowed to live silent, tranquil lives is, personally, one of the biggest and powerful statements Heartstopper has to offer.
I'm just idly waiting for the announcement of the season two renewal of 'Heartstopper', rewatching my favorite bits of the show. I am but a simple Heartstopper fan, anyway, and there are people who can provide more impactful analyses and anecdotes about the show and the comic. Still, it's a bit of a relief to talk about these feelings for a while, like I finally let myself exhale for a long, long time. Perhaps I needed a show like Heartstopper to finally accept these emotions within myself, to process the experiences that made me me these past few years.
Heartstopper is not the end-all, be-all beacon of queer representation in media -- it still centers around two British middle-class cis white boys -- but it definitely is a step in the right direction. There are still more stories to mold, to tell, to take flight. Positively speaking, we can only really go up from here -- and I hope those stories become the Heartstopper of other, younger queer kids.
I wrote this months ago (probably obvious because of the "season 2 waiting" bit LMAO since Heartstopper has been renewed for two more seasons) but I think it deserves to be posted!
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Heartstopper <3
I have been following Heartstopper since early 2019 and it’s been a quiet part of my life for these three years and more.
I really like Nick and Charlie and Heartstopper is just such a happy story, even when it talks about serious issues it manages to do so with optimism and hope, there is always this feeling that things will get better.
Then Heartstopper got picked up for a TV adaptation and I’m not a fan of adaptations. I have realised that I like it better if I witness the adaptation first and then go to the source material then vice versa. Whenever I love something that is being adapted I for the most part am not super enthusiastic. So, even though I knew there was a TV adaptation for Heartstopper coming out, it still completely caught me unaware.
I first started hearing about Heartstopper around April 24th only to realise that the show was already out and when it really became obvious that the feedback was nothing but positive, I realised I should probably check it out and Oh My God! it’s so good!!
With any great adaptation there are changes that need to happen and the same is the case with Heartstopper, even though the show completely captures the tone of the comic, it still needed to add a little more story to have the whole thing be substantial enough for eight episodes.
My absolute favourite part of the show was the animations they were so well done, they enhanced the story while tying it back to the source material. Best decision ever!!
Also, I loved the fact that they compare Nick to a golden retriever so early on because that has to be the most apt description of Nick ever.
Heartstopper season 1 (I’m pretty optimistic we are getting a second one) covers volumes 1 & 2 of the graphic novel and chapters 1, 2 & 3 of the webcomic. There was a lot of plot added but I think my favourite moments were those that were copied word by word from the comics. So let’s get into what changed –
Missing Characters:
I love Ollie and I was really disappointed that they got rid of Charlie’s younger brother, I understand why they did it because Ollie being a kid doesn’t really contribute much to the story but still Ollie is adorable and I can’t believe we have no one around to tackle hug Charlie.
Another thing that happened is that Christian, Sai and Omar who are Nick’s rugby friends are more prominent in the comics but they actually don’t exist in the TV adaptation. This was a change that I really didn’t notice going in but I’m curious if they will give Nick more friends/classmates in the future.
Changed Characters:
This is the one change I really don’t understand and I’m really curious to find out what the reasoning behind it was. Aled is missing from the TV adaptation, he has been replaced by Isaac. Now, this was very curious to me they could have still called the character Aled but they didn’t. Aled actually has his own story in the Heartstopper universe which makes it even more curious why they didn’t keep him as a character.
Altered Plot:
I feel for the most part the TV adaptation adds plot lines but there is one significant change in plot line. In the comics Ben actually confronts Charlie when Nick finds them and Nick is the one who is curious about how Charlie knows Ben because Ben is a dick. In the TV show, the scene is altered to contrast Nick and Charlie’s relationship to Ben and Charlie’s relationship and that was pretty cool but I feel this is the only instance in which a plot point was altered to great effect.
There are minor alterations to the plot like how Ben and Charlie don’t meet in the morning but instead meet up at break and other alterations that come in because of the added plot lines.
Additional Plot:
There is so much added plot to beef up the chapters so that they can be spread out over eight episodes.
First of all, Tara and Darcy along with Tao and Elle have hefty plotlines, we learn a lot more about Elle which is something I love because in the comics Elle only shows up for the first time at Charlie’s birthday party and same for Tara and Darcy they also show up a whole lot earlier in the show and have their own plot lines.
In the comics, when we first meet Tara she is already out but the show changed that to her just beginning to come out and that was brilliant, similarly with Tao and Elle. We actually see the beginnings of their relationship in the show which was also really cool.
I feel like Tara and Darcy coming out was a great moment, the kiss on the dance floor with Nick looking on is an amazing moment.
Secondly, we have Imogen, I feel like that particular plotline might be a little polarizing but I really liked what we got out of it. The scene with Nick at the park bench talking to Imogen about how he feels was so crucial because I feel like we don’t realise how much peer pressure and expectations influence us and how difficult it becomes to break the mould because of them.
Thirdly, rugby became a pretty big plot point in this one especially with the match against St John’s and then at the very end with the Sports Day match.
What Remained the Same?
These are all those moments that I am living for those small moments that got translated word for word.
a) The Pen Explosion Incident
b) “Do you want to join the Rugby team?” Scene
c) The “Tackle me, I won’t dodge.” Scene
d) The Sorry Scene (Don’t say it. I kinda want to say it)
e) The Drums Lessons Scene
f) The attempted hand holding scene followed by the you look cuddly scene followed by Tori’s sudden appearance and declaration
g) The “I’ve been looking for you” Moment
h) The Ballroom Kiss scene, the Next Day and the Rain Kiss
i) The Park Scene (though this one is bittersweet)
j) Charlie’s birthday present
k) Nick coming out to Tara
l) The Beach Date
I’m a little bit obsessed and a lot in love if you have never read the comic watch the show it’s amazing and if you are already a Heartstopper fan than I must say the adaptation does so many things so well.
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just some life updates! nothing negative really
one I finally have my summer fieldwork placement and it’s a pediatric OT center for kids with autism :D really hope it’s a good fit for me. I reached out to the staff there but haven’t heard back so hopefully they get back to me soon.
finally managed to get a REALLY good ortho doctor and feel like they finally identified the issues in my ankle joints :’) she sent me for x-rays and an mri which was really really loud and kinda scary but anyways she said she would call me back to tell me the plan from there - I’m probably going to get AFOs which I’m kind of excited about cause it should help the deformities I have. is it silly to hope they make AFOs in fun colors and patterns for adults!! lol I think I would much rather have pink or patterned AFOs than plain ones.
my sister is getting married in august and I’m a bridesmaid! I’m super excited but also a little nervous cause I’ve only ever been to two weddings and if I’m a bridesmaid do I HAVE to dance cause I dunno why but I always feel awkward dancing at weddings.
hm hm hm. what else. I went to the library today and got some books, mostly books I read when I was 12-13 and I wanna reread, and a bunch of graphic novels and manga. and on sunday we’re gonna watch madoka!
gonna try to be more active on this blog :) I think it’s good for me
I hope everyone is doing well :)
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7 & 12 for the voice ask meme? Hope you're having a good day!
These were some good ones to answer!
7) Favorite book series and/or just singular book and why?
My favorite book would have to be a graphic novel called Rapunzel's Revenge by Dean Hale and Shannon Hale. It's essentially a Wild West adaptation of the story of Rapunzel, except instead of being a frail and helpless blonde damsel in distress, she's a hardcore, redheaded cowgirl and uses her hair as lasso ropes to save herself. It's a great story. I highly recommend it!
12) Talk about a crazy memory you have?
(I had to do some thinking for this one but realized I have one from just a couple of weeks ago😂)
So here's what's going on: I recently started working at a Wendy's about five minutes away from where I live. Well, one of the ares that I work on is called "Back Cash." This is where when the car pulls around from the speaker, they pull up to the first window to make the payment before reaching the second window to pick up their food. The first window is what I'm referring to mainly.
Anyway, the problem is that when working on back cash, you're also in charge of doing the dishes that come to the sink that's right across a small hallway from that area, but when you step away from the computer to do the dishes, the customer sees no one at the window, so they automatically assume to move on to the next one. This, of course, is very frustrating to the person working that area. Well, that day, I was working back cash, and that same scenario played out.
Well, the person at the second window came back to me with the customer's card so they could make the payment. However, when I came back up the second window to return the card, the customer just drove off. So, I did what any sane and honest person would do and booked it out of the building and across the parking lot. I almost made it to the street, but they were too far ahead. My manager called me back inside and said that they'd just call back for it later. It was kept in the office after that. To this day I still don't know if they ever came back for it...😅 After that, people kept laughing but also complimenting me on trying to catch up. There was even another customer at the back cash window that was being taken care of by one of my coworkers, and even he was all like, "We saw you going. Too bad you couldn't catch up. Good form though!"
The cherry on top is the fact that the hiring manager found out about it a few hours later. I was still on back cash when she came in. She walked in and greeted everyone in her usual welcoming tone until this one dude (let's call him Ian), came up with a huge smile on his face and excitedly told her what happened through his laughter. She looked at me with humored shock on her face and I embarrassedly confessed that I didn't make it with my face basically being this emoji: 😅. Of course she cracked up at that. Admittedly, though, the whole thing was kinda hilarious.
It's because of that moment did a couple of people start teasing me about being a track star. (Which is kinda funny considering that I considered doing track but never went for it.) Anyway, it was a funny moment.
Thanks for asking, sweet petal! These were fun to answer!
If anyone else wants to ask questions, here’s the list! Knock yourselves out!
Along with this one, in a recent post I said I was gonna start clearing my ask box and reblogging my work, so let me know what you want me to pull back up! Love you guys! See you soon!
-Magnolia🌺
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You grew up with Kim Sunoo. You were best friends with Kim Sunoo. You’ve always loved Kim Sunoo. But what do you do when Kim Sunoo comes knocking at your door with a bullet in his leg and a black eye? Who on earth have you been in love with this whole time?
.: 10.5k words .:. female reader .:. childhood friends to lovers .:. fluff, angst, drama, hurt/comfort :.
.: tw: graphic descriptions of physical injuries and blood :.
.: masterlist .:. belift underground :.
You know that thing that all children have tried at least once in their life?
That thing on the swings in the local playground, where the kids, ever so naive and unknowing of what the future could possibly hold, swing their legs back and forth in the air, hair flowing in the breeze, hoping to leave the world behind and catch the wind beneath their imaginary wings because maybe one day, just one day, if they can swing hard enough, maybe they can swing all the way around in a full circle.
And maybe, just maybe, they could even launch themselves up into the sky, flying away into the clouds and leaving all their silly little childhood worries behind.
That’s how you met Kim Sunoo.
Ever idealistic, ever bright, and ever-loving Kim Sunoo.
You’re no stranger to seeing a kid fall off some monkey bars and crying to their mom about it, but when Kim Sunoo fell off the swings at your neighbourhood playground and into the sand underneath him, you watched him huff, stand up, and get back on them again without hesitation and without a tear in his eye.
“I saw you fall. Are you okay?” You had asked with curiosity in your eyes, tugging at your pigtail braids with a fear of being told off by the boy.
“Yup!” He smiled; in the way that he still did the last time you’d seen him. “Why do you ask?”
“Well, when I fall, I go to my mom for help,” you answered. “Don’t you need your mom?”
Continuing to swing back and forth, he shrugged. “I don’t have a mom.”
You were too young to understand the gravity of his answer and his circumstances back then, but now, even without a motherly figure, he became the sweetest little thing you’ve ever loved. You were too young. And he was too.
The worst part of it all is that you’re both still young.
“What about your dad?”
“I have a dad, but he’s not really my dad either.” Adopted by a family friend of his real parents, you later learn. It was some unfortunate car accident that happened when he was way too young to comprehend it, and without any other living relatives, he was adopted by a friend of his dad’s. Someone too busy himself to be much of a present father figure as well.
“Are you here alone then?”
“No,” he shook his head with all the confidence of a young boy. “You’re here.” His smile was so bright back then. It’s almost funny how it managed to still be so bright for years to come. Things change, you knew that, but you’re glad that this one thing hasn't.
“Then I’ll have to stay with you then,” you responded with a resolve so unlike yourself today, but so unsurprising of a young girl who loved to make new friends.
Sunoo stopped swinging his legs for a moment as he watched you struggle to climb onto the swing beside him, though the momentum of the swing continued swaying him in the air. “Why?”
“So that you’re not alone.”
And in a twist of events reminiscent of a silly little story you’d only ever see on television or read about in a novel, Sunoo and you became bonded at the hip. You’d only just moved into the neighbourhood, and there you were, making a new friend who also just happened to be your next-door neighbour. It’s one of those gated communities for the wealthy, with your own parents working in international business and therefore rarely around. Sunoo himself was always surrounded by bodyguards, but after meeting his adoptive father (an surprisingly warm but honestly terrifying man), you became the only stranger allowed in Sunoo’s inner circle.
You can’t lie, you’ve always worried about him to the point where Sunoo’s joked about you being his motherly figure. But how can you not worry when his bodyguards encircle and suffocate him without release? When even his meals are scheduled and regulated by a hired dietician? When the only other friend you know he has is the son of his dad’s coworker?
It’s a miracle honestly.
How bright he still smiles despite the lack of light in his life.
“It’s because I have you, Sunshine,” he’s said once or twice or ten times before.
And you have him.
Because in that moment, when you swung so high you felt like you could touch the clouds, he called you Sun Ray, claiming that you had blinded him just like the real sun up in the sky. Sun Ray evolved into Sunshine later on, amongst a few other variants of the exact same nickname. In essence, you became his warmth and safety in the same way that he was yours.
Because with Kim Sunoo, you felt like you could swing back and forth with such a strong force that you could soar through the clouds and into the stars where your dreams were designed. All the way up in the stars where maybe, just maybe, neither of you wouldn’t have to be so lonely anymore.
Sunoo’s strict father and (in your opinion, suffocating) lifestyle led to you being unable to hang out too often, especially not without the ears of his bodyguards and butlers (as well as your own) within a few feet away. So as you two grew and began keeping secrets together, having more to talk about as the hours grew later into the darkness of the night, you bought yourselves sketchbooks, communicating through your bedroom windows that destiny seemed to align with your houses just next to one another. You wrote with markers, scribbling endlessly in large handwriting in order to communicate your silly thoughts through the glass.
Because even fifteen feet away, through two panes of glass, the dead of night, and tight surveillance, you still had one another.
Even at the end of that first day when you’d met, though you didn’t quite touch the stars with your little hands as you swung back and forth ever so endlessly, neither of you were so lonely anymore with each other. And stars aside, you at the very least touched sunshine with your blossoming new bond.
But winter seems to have lasted a little too long this time around, because while the sun still beats down on you from its place in the sky, Kim Sunoo hasn’t been around for two years and you were beginning to forget how much you loved him at all. You had gone to elementary and middle school together, so high school was gonna be yours to take together as well; or at least, that was the original plan.
However, one day, he just disappeared, a handwritten note written on a page torn out of his sketchbook taped on his bedroom window to you, reading:
Dad wants me to go to boarding school. I’m sorry I can’t say goodbye. Let’s meet after graduation.
And four words underneath, appearing smaller, as if rushed and written last-minute. As if he’d been careful writing the first half, hesitating to include the last little bit until he had to go.
I love you Sun.
And you love him too.
As a result, you forced yourself to push away any doubts or worries regarding whatever happened to your longtime best friend. If he says he’s at boarding school, then he’s at boarding school. His father was always rather strict anyways, it’s a wonder he hadn’t already been sent away. You yourself attend a rather prestigious private academy; you just happened to stay in Seoul.
Kim Sunoo just kind of disappeared and you haven’t heard from him since.
Every curtain of the Kim household is drawn, though you hoped to peek in for a sign of life. Not even the bodyguards and butlers who previously always seemed to swarm in and around their lot were present. It was as if they completely moved out without choosing to sell the lot. You force yourself not to blame him. You have other friends anyways, you tried to tell yourself, but though you truly loved everyone else in your life, particularly your butler, K, who has been by your side since your childhood just like Sunoo, you knew that no one else could compare to the boy who called you Sunshine.
Let’s meet after graduation.
After graduation it is then.
That’s what he promised you after all. He couldn’t have forgotten. You have a year left until then. You can wait.
But you don’t have to.
You hear a frantic knocking from downstairs, and you get shocked awake from your slumber. The clock on your bedside table tells you that it is way too late at night (or early in the morning?) for you to be having visitors, and then as you rub the sleep from your eyes, you realize it’s impossible that anyone is knocking at your door at all. Living in a gated rich community meant that each mansion was individually gated as well, which means that anyone who wanted to drop by needed to ring the buzzer at your gate first.
So despite the unfortunate hour of the morning, and your first class in the morning scheduled for eight, you crawl out of bed and wrap a robe around your body. Creeping down the stairs, you immediately note that the knocking has stopped and that the knocking appears to not have come from your front door. With frosted glass adorning the centre of the double doors, you should have seen a silhouette of some sort unless tonight’s intruder just chose to leave.
Turning towards the kitchen, you see a figure there, although thankfully, this one is familiar. It seems you weren’t the only one awoken by the sudden noises. K, your live-in-butler, was only in his early-twenties when he’d first been hired. With your own parents frequently away on business trips, K was your chauffeur, chef, housekeeper, and older brother figure, and tonight, he was also a bit of a bodyguard, armed with a large kitchen knife as he faced the back door into the yard.
He makes eye contact with you, warning you to stay behind him silently with the look in his eyes, because when you peer over his broad shoulders, it’s plain to see that there is an odd figure slouched and leaning against the frosted glass of the door. Someone is here and you aren’t sure how they are and why they are.
K tiptoes closer towards the door, knife pointing cautiously. The silhouette seemed to be sitting on ground with their back against the door, and only then, with the moonlight shining through the glass did you notice the faint splatters of liquid up against the glass and the pool of something red oozing through the bottom of the door.
Whoever this is is injured.
You make your way around the kitchen island as K directs, watching closely as he carefully unlocks the door, turning the knob and pulling the door open to a most horrifying scene.
There on the tiles of your kitchen floor lies the body of the boy you’ve always been in love with. Kim Sunoo is bleeding from a million places and in the quiet of the early morning hour, you can hear him struggle to catch his breath.
“We need to get him to a hospital,” you whisper faintly as you watch K crouch down by Sunoo.
You hear his voice for the first time in two years, and it is the most heartbreaking thing you have ever heard. “No. Don’t.”
And when your butler looks up at you with a level of conviction you don’t think you quite recognize in him, you realize that you have to comply to get answers and to hopefully save the poor guy’s life. Having watched you two grow up together, K just about loved him the same way he did you.
So despite the fact that this was clearly the worst idea you’d ever shared, you had no time to lose.
Thankfully, your parents were particularly thorough when it came to hiring someone to watch over you, so together, you make haste. Flicking the lights on in the house, you assist K, a former emergency paramedic (amongst a multitude of other odd jobs he’d never bothered to fully explain), as he brings Sunoo’s near-lifeless body to the closest guest room.
Sunoo looked as if his last breath was just within minutes, and only K, hired by strong recommendation from Sunoo’s own father, could save him. And, of course, you, with no choice, have now become his nurse, scrambling about the house, collecting fresh towels, pails of water, and the first aid kit as K requests.
There’s glaringly obvious bruises on his skin and on his left eye but there is a bullet in Kim Sunoo’s thigh and you are too afraid to let your mind wonder about who could have done this to him and why. K manages to use a pair of your tweezers, sterilized with rubbing alcohol, to pull the bullet out according to a quick google, but the worst part about the whole ideal was hearing your childhood friend’s groans of pain.
It’s a miracle that your head manages to maintain a semblance of clarity, what with the tears clouding your eyes as they slip onto your cheeks. Two years of nothing from Kim Sunoo, and then, here he was, three in the morning on a Friday, barely breathing and bleeding onto the sheets of a guest bedroom in which no one ever really stayed. All you hoped was that he would at least wake up.
“This is about all I can do,” K admits, his eyes cast down towards the wound he’d done his best to stitch up. You nod silently next to him, too drained out of energy to respond with anything more as your mind swirls and debates and breaks. Seeing the heartbreak in your face, K sighs. “You should get to bed. You still have school in the morning, you know.”
Mornings.
And to think that just hours prior, in the morning before this night, you had stared out of your window and into the sketchbook page still taped on Sunoo’s. The marker had since faded from exposure to the sun, but you still read those words clear as day.
But once more, you have no energy to answer. How could you think about school when you didn’t even know if Sunoo was going to wake in the morning?
You could never forgive yourself if you never saw him smile again.
“I’m gonna find some new bedsheets and clothes for him,” K announces, pushing himself up to stand. “If you decide you don’t wanna go to school tomorrow, I can call in sick for you, but you still need to get some rest okay?”
And with that, K left the room, leaving you behind with your thoughts and with your old best friend. No words in any language could possibly describe the emotional anguish and physical exhaustion of your body, heart, and mind with the fact that you might never know how much he must have begged and cried and struggled against the person or persons who could have hurt him like this. The Kim Sunoo you have always known was nothing but a ray of sunshine, a candle lit ever so brightly in the darkness. He was oftentimes scared, shy, and occasionally careless with his naivete and kindness.
But here he was, near lifeless and drenched in his own blood drying against the once untouched white sheets. You have too many questions and you’re not sure if you’ll ever have answers. You’re all too worried, all too scared that he might never even wake up. All that you’re sure of at this point is that K is a miracle worker of a butler and you need to ask your parents to give him a raise.
The next morning, just a few hours after K and you finally cleaned up a new space for Sunoo to rest, you force yourself to go to school despite your lack of sleep, energy, and focus. You spend the entire day regretting it, tired of thinking, of having to pretend that you were fine, and of stopping yourself whenever someone asked what you did last night. But you couldn’t exactly just sit and wait by Sunoo’s bedside all day either.
What could have possibly happened in the two years that you didn’t have him? In the two years that he’d been gone and away from you?
And for the following weekend, all you did was do your homework by his bedside, forgetting to shower in those few days as you made sure to keep him warm and hydrated. You were simply grateful that K had agreed to keep the injured boy a secret from your parents. He had called Sunoo’s father after he got your permission, the man promising to send over generous financial compensation for the medical care and additionally sharing that he’d have his people pick Sunoo up as soon as possible. While you weren’t fond of the man’s word choice, you knew that Sunoo trusted his dad and that if he could provide the proper medical attention he needed, then you were making the right call.
Anything to make sure that Sunoo would be okay.
You’d promised to be there for him after all. And you were.
You are.
On Sunday morning, a hand to your shoulder wakes you, and the first thing you realize is that you’d slept with your head by Sunoo’s, body still on your chair beside his bed. Wiping the bit of drool by your chin, you look up to see K by your side. “Good morning,” he greeted, handing you a glass of water.
Taking the cup, you sit up and lean back in your chair. “Thanks,” you take a sip.
“How do you feel?” K asks, essentially already knowing your predictable answer.
“Couldn’t really sleep and then just passed out after a certain point.”
“Well,” he starts, sitting on the edge of the bed and looking at you with a tired look in his eyes that you’re sure you mirror. “You should at least shower.”
Rolling your eyes, you set the glass down on a coaster on the bedside table right beside the closed first aid kit that you’ve become way too familiar over the past several days. “Are you saying I smell?”
“Implying,” he replies teasingly. “But seriously, go shower and maybe take a nap in your own bed. I’ll be here.”
“But-”
“No buts. Do yourself a favor and take care of yourself a little,” K interrupts you, a look of concern on his face as he pushes himself up and towards a cabinet against the opposite wall. Sometimes, you forget that K cared for Sunoo lots himself, having chaperoned you both over the years. So though you almost argue with K about it, he turns around with a fresh set of bandages in his hand, heading straight towards Sunoo’s bedside with the intention of caring for him for the day. “He’d want you to take care of yourself too.”
And with that statement, you succumb to your weariness and make your way upstairs to take a quick shower and a power nap. You pretty much fall straight asleep too, what with all the tears and all the speeches you made to the sleeping Kim Sunoo over the past two days. You had so many questions, so many things to say and learn and share with Kim Sunoo that you came to the conclusion that you’d be satisfied if you never found out what happened to him that night he bled at the steps of your back door as long as he woke up.
That’s all you needed.
To hear his voice no longer in agony and see his smile light up the way they always used to.
You wake up to the doorbell resonating throughout the house. The sun is still up, seeing as its rays still stream through the curtains of your windows, but the clock on your bedside table quickly indicates to you that it’s already just about dusk. Tugging on the sweater hanging off your desk chair, you rush out of your room and down the stairs to see K already pressing the button to unlock the gates at the security tablet by the front door.
“Who’s that?” You ask, rubbing the sleep from your eyes.
“Hoseok’s men.” Men. So they’re already here for Sunoo, and his dad can’t even come pick him up in person. “Sunoo woke up a little while ago so I called his dad. I didn’t think they’d get here so early though.”
You don’t even catch the last half of his response to you. “Sunoo’s what?”
“Sorry I didn’t wake you,” is the last thing out of K’s lips when he unlocks the front doors to let two boys in - both surprisingly young, and one of them a little too familiar for your liking. One bombshell after another, you suppose. “Welcome. Tea?”
The one you know, whose baby fat has been sustained in his cheeks throughout the years, smiles with the deepest duo of dimples you’ve ever seen. “If you’re offering, then yes please.” There’s no mistaking it - he’s Yang Jungwon; a classmate from elementary and, as far as you know, Sunoo’s only other friend. You haven’t seen him since sixth grade as you’ve heard he was sent to a boarding school abroad. From the looks of it however, he’s back and he’s on mutual trusting terms with Kim Sunoo’s dad.
“Got cookies?” The deeper voice snaps your attention to the taller of the men, someone who’s at least a few years older than yourself and, you’ll have to admit, is a bit of a looker. He carries himself with a quiet intelligence and a charisma that isn’t overbearing. And when he catches you staring, he smirks. “Heeseung. Lee Heeseung,” he stretches a hand out for you to take.
You indeed take it, a small grimace that you can’t help appearing on your features. Too much is happening all at once, and all that your mind is on is that Kim Sunoo is awake in the other room and you don’t even have time to talk. Heeseung’s got a strong grip.
“It’s nice to meet you again, Sun,” Jungwon smiles, and though kindness indeed grace his features, you’re not sure if it reaches his eyes especially with the conscious choice to greet you with a nickname he never really used.
“You too,” you reply anyway, shaking his hand awkwardly as well.
“Please follow me,” K says, motioning towards the living room and giving a look that implies to you that this is your only chance to speak to Sunoo. And though both of the boys are hesitant, K doesn’t really leave any room for them to protest. “And Sun, I helped him take a bath earlier so he’s already dressed in new clothes. Just help him get out of bed and stuff.”
Understanding that K was doing his best for you, since he clearly regrets not telling you he was awake earlier, you nod and walk the other way down the hallway towards the guest room, with your heart beating right out of your chest with the growing tension of the situation. What will you say? What will he say? Are you angry with him? Or are you just happy he’s alive? You unconsciously comb your hands through your hair, tugging on the hem of your sweater because even though this isn’t the priority, you can’t help but feel the need to look not bad in front of your childhood friend.
This is a bit of a reunion after all.
Thoughts aside, you push through the door slowly, and there he is, sitting up, leaning against the pillows against the headboard. His hair is a mess, his face is pale, his lips are cracked, and the scars and bruises you did your best to treat still adorn his skin. Nonetheless, his eyes are wide open and a look of hope flashes across his eyes when he makes eye contact with you.
You mirror the hope.
“Hey there,” you whisper, unsure if he even caught the words since he’s still visibly exhausted. The corners of his lips turn up to a small smile, but he seems too tired to respond quite yet and you let it slide, just happy that he’s awake. “I’m sure K told you but I was asleep earlier so…” It’s an awkward start but it’s all you can say considering the combination of relief and heartache in you at the moment. “Your dad sent Jungwon and someone named Heeseung over to pick you up. They’re outside right now,” and with that, you step closer to him and away from the door.
Sunoo flinches, and you stop just a few feet away from the bed. Your breath hitches, too afraid that you might seem too forward or talkative considering the possible overstimulation of his pained senses, and you hold your breath up until you see him try to push the blanket off of his lap.
“Can I… Do you want me to help you?”
He doesn’t respond, eyes flicking down towards the sheet across his lap as he continues trying to inch it off. You don’t wanna press any further, but at the very least, you had hoped he would say something. Anything.
“K and I were really worried about you,” you tried to continue, carefully watching as he did his best to swing his legs off of the side of his mattress. “I’m glad you’re okay.” You doubt he even caught the final word, your voice having faded out along with your lack of confidence.
Sunoo is standing at this point, shaking as his hand holds onto the bedside table to stabilize his still weakened legs. But when he tries to take another step forward, you can see his knees buckle underneath his weight and you rush over in your worry, holding him up with an arm wrapped around his waist and your hand on his shoulder.
“I’m fine,” he mutters out, but you hold your ground.
“You’re not,” you reply firmly, helping him swing his arm around your shoulder. You’re not quite sure why he’s so hostile towards you, but above any disagreements or tension, you promised yourself you would be there for him regardless. So here you are.
You help him sit back down on the side of the bed and tell him, “Stay here,” as you go towards the dresser to grab him a pair of socks. “Can you put these on by yourself?” Sunoo nods when you ask, so you toss them over, going back to the dresser to take his laundered and neatly folded clothes from the day he’d bled at your back door and place them in a paper bag from some high-end store. Your mind briefly drifts back to when you asked K if Sunoo would even want his formerly bloody clothes back, but he insisted on washing them anyway.
With the lack of words or response, you sigh internally. You have so many questions with your frustration rising by the moment, but you can’t allow yourself to be angry. You know this person isn’t Kim Sunoo. At the very least, he is not the Kim Sunoo that you know.
But he’s in there somewhere, right?
You tell yourself to be patient with him as you move to sit next to him on the mattress, both of you facing the window towards the backyard though the curtains are drawn, failing to provide you both with a good view to look at. You’re also careful to leave a few inches in between you. Something about the Kim Sunoo here in front of you is so drastically different and it scares you because what on earth could have happened over the past two years that his eyes no longer glint with the same brightness as it once did before?
But amongst the millions of questions buzzing around in your brain, the only three words you bring yourself to say are “I miss you.”
You sat there in silence together for what felt much longer than the few minutes that it actually lasted, staring out through the window with nothing and everything to say to one another. And then, you break it.
“I’m angry with you, you know?”
He doesn’t respond.
“I haven’t heard from you in forever and now that you’re here, barely alive, you won’t say anything.” When he doesn’t reply or even respond with a facial expression or a change in body language, you continue your honest dialogue. “But it’s okay. I don’t know what happened to you or why you’re being like this, but I promised you that I would stay with you so…
“Here I am.”
And with those three words, you turn to him for the first time, but to your dismay, his face still holds no emotion and for that, you cannot blame him. Your eyes beg silently, pleading for even a microexpression or a grunt of acknowledgement, but at this point, you’re just thankful you were able to say your peace. Whatever’s happening with Kim Sunoo, you are no longer a part of it though every part of you wants to save him from whatever horrors plagued his current life.
At the very least, you know Jungwon can be there for him, and you trust Jungwon. Just a little bit, but you do.
Pushing yourself up, you blink back the tears that are threatening to spill down your cheeks. “Let’s go, Sunoo. Your friends are waiting.” And yet the word ‘friends’ didn’t include you.
Thankfully, though he opted to continue remaining silent, Sunoo complied as you helped him stand up and walk out of the guestroom with the paper bag with his possessions tucked underneath your shoulder. He limps so slowly, gripping onto the sleeve of your sweater without much strength, but you remain patient with him.
When you get to the living room, Jungwon and Heeseung were drinking tea across from where K was sitting with his own teacup. You don’t notice they’ve gotten up at the signal of your presence with Sunoo until Jungwon is right next to both of you, eyes filled with concern as he helps share Sunoo’s weight while you make your way together towards the couch. It’s a little surprising, you think; both Jungwon and Heeseung had quite the air of confidence and composure earlier, but in the presence of an injured friend, they too are worried. You could only imagine how they might have reacted if they saw Sunoo’s original state of injury.
No other words aside from a few common pleasantries were exchanged afterwards as Jungwon and Heeseung escorted your childhood friend away. No other words exchanged between you and Sunoo as you saw him leave for what you had believed then to be the last time you would ever see him.
And the following little while is quiet. Simple. As if nothing had happened at all. Just school and dinners with K and walks to the park by yourself like life was like before during your time apart from Sunoo.
Only a few days pass when K takes a detour away from the usual route home from school to take you to the Belift Lab Club & Casino. You've never really been, considering you're a minor, though you do know it's where Sunoo's dad works. You are, at first and understandably, confused, but you don't question it as K wordlessly takes you to the club and up to the eighteenth floor. He's normally talkative, open to joking around with you and eager to gossip about your classmates. However, ever since your weekend with Sunoo, you haven't really exchanged many more words than necessary.
It's on the eighteenth floor where you are welcomed into an empty and minimalistic office. Just a desk, a computer system, a few chairs for the office owner and his guests, and a singular large abstract painting along one wall to the right. No shelves nor plants, just floor to ceiling windows proudly boasting a view of the Seoul skyline in the late afternoon.
The sky is painted orange and pink like the few shades on the art on the wall. It's pretty.
And there, you wait silently as K takes a seat in the waiting room just past the door. It's not an uncomfortable or long wait, but when Kim Hoseok enters the room with his aura of wealth and intimidation, you suddenly wish you were still waiting.
"Sunny, right?" He greets you with a firm smile, sat across the desk from you. Ignoring the fact that he's referred to you by your nickname, you nod. "I just wanted to extend an apology in person for what you had to deal with over the weekend."
Deal with? "Well, it's not like I was just gonna leave him like that, so it's alright," you answer honestly. "Besides, why apologize if what happened to your son wasn't your fault?" It's a little vindictive of you to ask, but you've never really liked how strict Sunoo's dad was and you want him to know you're not gonna back down.
He pauses for a moment before letting a breath out. "I can promise you with certainty that I was not the reason Sunoo was bleeding on your doorstep. Does that ease your mind?"
"I just wasn't expecting an apology."
"What were you expecting then?"
You deadpan, "A 'thank you'?"
He grins. "Then thank you."
You resist the urge to point out that you and K are the reason that his son is alive at all and just look down on your twiddling thumbs on the surface of your lap. Sunoo must get his heart from his mother. "Will I ever be told what happened?"
Hoseok shrugs, leaning back to relax in his seat. "Probably not," he admits. "Not knowing is what will keep you safe."
"Safe from what?"
"From bleeding on someone else's doorstep."
Another moment passes by with your eyes fixed on your fingers, now unmoving on your lap. And then, you look up. "He didn't go to boarding school." You don't phrase it like a question because it isn't one. It's a realization.
Hoseok once again sighs, glancing towards the screen on his desk before refocusing back on the conversation. "Sunoo always described you as smart and I always agreed," he starts, and your heart warms at the thought of Sunoo talking about you with his father. "So if you want to keep that impression, be smart and stop asking questions. It will save you."
You’re not an idiot.
You know exactly what you’re not supposed to ask about.
You’ve heard the rumors about Belift Lab and their alleged underground empire. In your childhood, you just brushed off the idea, but the more you learn about Sunoo, his friends, and his father, you’re starting to believe that maybe Sunoo’s fate at your doorstep was inevitable. That the Belift Underground mafia is real and dark and powerful and that your best friend Kim Sunoo was born into it all.
The first and only time it crossed your mind in serious consideration was several months prior to Sunoo’s disappearance, at a school dance held to celebrate the end of the school year. You had accepted a date offer from Han Jeongin, an upperclassman who you haven’t spoken to since, and so you’d left Sunoo on an out-of-character argument that morning when he found out.
“You’re just gonna go to the dance with some guy you barely know?”
You’d never seen him this frustrated but you stood by your decision, continuing to braid your hair as an excuse to keep your attention on the mirror instead of the wrinkles on his bunched forehead. “He’s nice, Sunoo, and it’s not like we’re gonna get married or anything. It’s just a dance.”
“I haven’t even met him, Sunny,” he complains quietly, leaning against his window pane. You realize he probably didn’t even mean for you to hear his comment, across the facing windows of your houses. You can’t help but think to yourself well, should he have to? It’s not like he’s your dad or anything.
You don’t say it out loud, but you do feel guilty. If the roles were reversed, you would feel the same way.
Dressed in yellow and all dolled up for the night ahead, K drove you over to the school for the evening, and it didn’t even take ten minutes before you found Han Jeongin swapping spit with another senior whose name you never learned.
And when you called Kim Sunoo in tears, sat on the steps of the entrance of the building, he rushed over dressed in an uncharacteristic all black outfit that you didn’t question at the time. And within the hour, you’d both ended up walking over to the Han River, talking about anything and everything and planning out how you would spend the following summer together. You didn’t know then that it would be your last summer with him.
And at two in the morning, which admittedly was irresponsible for both of you, you were back on the swings in a playground by the river. With a view of the skyline and the stars in the sky, you felt one again like a child, swinging up to reach the heavens with your best friend.
“Do you think if I swing fast enough, I can jump off and fly away?” You joked.
Rolling his eyes, Sunoo responded, “We take Physics together, stupid, so I know you know that you’d get yeeted into the water and I know for a fact you can’t swim.” Ever so cheeky and sassy. Your Sunoo.
“Can too!” You retort with a goofy little smile that he returns.
Something about that night just felt perfect to reminisce. “We always talked about flying away back when we were kids.”
“Well,” you sighed, “we’re not kids anymore.” And as the silence engulfs your ears, you know it’s a hard pill for him to swallow. And for a moment, you sit together on the swings with only the wind, the waves, and the leaves in the air. It feels nice. “But if you do find a way to fly away, take me with you, okay?”
“I would never leave you,” he smiled.
But he did.
If only that moment could have lasted.
It was only another half hour or so after when two black vans appeared and your heart almost dropped at the prospect of possibly being kidnapped. You only saw the face of one of the drivers, probably in his early twenties despite the age and experience in his gaze. Sunoo was calm, a solemnity in his face you’d never seen before, as he approached the stranger and whispered words you wish you’d overheard.
And without an introduction or an explanation, the stranger drove you home. You noticed that Sunoo didn’t get out of the van at his house as it drove away afterwards but you didn’t think much of it since he seemed to know the driver.
A friend of his father’s, Sunoo explained the week after.
You should have pried more, you berate yourself. At least now, you know your suspicions were correct.
Clearing your throat, you sit up in the uncomfortable chair, forcing yourself to make confident eye contact with the man trying to intimidate you into silence. “If the roles were reversed, if our roles were reversed, would you not be angry?”
“Angry about what?”
“About being left out of a conversation I didn’t even ask to be a part of but am,” you respond, firm in your words and in your resolve.
“I’d be angry, of course. I might not be his biological father, but Sunoo is my son,” and though he claims it with conviction, the thought that he’s never really acted like it doesn’t escape you. “I can’t fault you for your feelings but I asked you here to remind you to be rational.”
And though the first half of his statement still bothers you, you know you have to agree with the last part. You clear your throat, resolute in your stance against him. “Sir, I-”
“I’m not the enemy here,” Hoseok reminds you. “I’m doing my best for Sunoo too.”
It doesn’t take another few minutes for you to bid your farewells. The room felt like it was beginning to choke you to death and Hoseok had his own meeting right after yours.
Waiting for the elevator with K, you feel suffocated, all thoughts only on going home and crying yourself to sleep. “Sunny, I don’t know if I’m supposed to do this, but would you like to visit Sunoo?” K suddenly offers to you.
“I- What do you mean?”
K clears his throat, taking a hand to adjust the tie that seems to have grown tighter around his neck over the past few seconds. “I used to work around here, you know? I’m sure you’ve already figured that out,” he starts, and you nod in agreement. It wasn’t too hard to piece those two together considering his extensive history and experience with first aid and combat. “The infirmary’s on the sixth floor.”
You didn’t think you’d have the opportunity to see Sunoo today. “Just for a moment?”
“Just for a moment.”
And off to the sixth floor you go. The hallways there are so all-white that it takes you a while to gather your bearings with all the hallways K takes you down, but regardless, you arrive just outside a room with a window into the hallway.
Peering through the pane, you see that Sunoo is still pale, still bruised, and still in pain, but he is surrounded by a few boys your age, including Jungwon. He may be hurt but you see now that, at the very least, he’s awake and with company. Good company, it seems, by the way his cheeks round out as much as they used to when he used to laugh with you.
You don’t even realize the tears have escaped your eyes until K wordlessly hands you his handkerchief, and hoping to not catch attention, you turn away to wipe your silent cries. You’re happy he’s smiling. It may not be with you, but at least he still is at all. His dimples and half-moon lids are all you need before leaving, but before you’re able to go, the door to the room opens.
“K?” A boy you don’t recognize says. When you turn around, you make eye contact with him; blonde and tall and stern in his stance. “Ah, you must be Sunshine.”
But before you can answer, Jungwon pushes himself out the door behind the stranger. “Oh, hey! Didn’t realize you two were visiting,” he smiles and waves. “This is Ni-ki.” And after introductions are made and hands are shaked, Jungwon purses his lips. “Did you wanna come in and say hi or-”
“I don’t think that’s necessary actually,” you answer.
“But you’re already here,” he replies with a shrug, going back towards Sunoo’s room door and saying, “Jakey, get out of there. Sun’s here.” And with that, you don’t have a choice but to go say hi. The aforementioned ‘Jakey’, who you assume is named Jake, steps out of the room soon after, waving awkwardly towards you before facing the other boys in the hallway. This Jungwon kid may be kind, but he sure is inexperienced with reading the room.
With Sunoo’s friends muttering about whatever to the side, you take a deep breath as you prepare to step into Sunoo’s room. “I’ll wait out here for you,” K whispers to you, placing a comforting hand on your shoulder.
You swore to yourself that if you had the chance to see him again after that weekend, at a time when he was no longer in physical pain, you would have your moment to be strict and angry and honest. But you’re conflicted, you’re human, and you love him. You don’t know if you could ever bring yourself to be angry with him.
You swing the door open.
“Hey there,” he croaks out in a weak voice. You try your best to avoid eye contact, being too afraid to even take a step closer to his bed. “Come sit over here.” And so you do, and with the increased proximity, you are faced with the tubes stuck in his body and the loud beeps of the machines surrounding him. It’s too much for you, but you hold back the tears.
“How are you?” It’s a stupid question, you know, but what else can you say?
“I’m alright,” he mutters shyly. “Thanks to you and K.” You nervously gulp down the tension. “How are you?”
Not alright. “I’m fine,” you answer.
Silence. “I’m sor-”
“Are you bedridden?”
Sunoo blinks once or twice before answering. “The doctors say I can probably walk again by the end of the month, but I’ll probably be limping for a while,” he admits quietly, toying with the ends of his hospital blanket. “I’ve always had health problems though, so I’m used to all of this pain. Don’t worry.”
“Are you used to being shot?” You’re aware it’s a bit forward and cynical, but you’ve said the words before even thinking them.
“I’ll admit. No,” he shrugs, and though it isn’t a particularly funny statement, you can’t help but feel the corner of your lips tug up. “But I guess there’s a first time for everything.”
“Ah yes, the first time of being the victim of attempted murder,” you say, mostly to yourself although he definitely hears you. “Ugh, I’m sorry if I’m coming off angry and immature. I know it’s not like me.”
“I don’t…” Sunoo starts. “It’s okay. I understand. You deserve to be.”
More silence.
“I really am sorry, Sunshine,” wow, that nickname hurts to hear. “That I didn’t tell you anything and that I left and that when I did come back, I was literally unresponsive.” You want to yell at him but you let him continue, continuing to stare at your lap. “All I can think about is how you must’ve felt throughout all of that. I never stopped thinking about you.”
You inhale sharply. “It’s okay-”
“But it’s not,” he insists.
“But it is,” you state with a firmer conviction. “I just… wish I could’ve at least known. I wish that you could have given me more than just a sketchbook page taped to your window, or at the very least,” though you know it isn’t his fault, “You could have come back without bleeding on my back door.”
You know you’re getting a little victim blamey but you can’t help it. Just like you can’t help the tears streaming down your cheeks, and though you don’t recognize it, Sunoo’s pain right now isn’t coming from his physical injuries but from his realization that he’s broken his promise to you. The promise that he’d never make you cry like this.
“I know it might be a little late now, but do you want to hear everything?” Your vision starts to get blurry from the cloud of moisture in your eyes. “I’ve never wanted to keep anything from you, but I had to Sun… We used to share everything with one another and if… If you’d let me, I’d like for us to go back to that.”
And so you let him tell you what happened over the past several years of his life. It apparently started with rigorous combat and business training, all for Belift. As the son of the head honcho’s right hand man, he was meant to succeed Hoseok’s legacy and become Jungwon’s second-in-command when the time came one day. The physical endurance was already difficult enough for him, especially considering Sunoo’s history of bad health; but physical training combined with every mental hurdle made the whole thing worse for him. Strict teachers, diets, responses; endless attempts to refresh his morals and combat instincts; applications of violent tactics to change his ways…
Endless pain.
“And god, you didn’t even know,” Sunoo quietly shared. “At first, I didn’t want you to. I knew how you’d react.” Like this. “But even then, I felt so guilty that I never told you, and now… I feel like if I wasn’t forced to leave you behind, training wouldn’t have gone so badly, you know?”
You gulp, still too afraid to look up at him. “Who shot you?” Should you have not asked? “Who made you like this?”
“I was supposed to go back a few months ago,” Sunoo replied honestly. “I think everyone knew that I wasn’t cut out for this world. Hose- My dad ended up realizing that too. But when you are the loved one or, I don’t know, prized possession? A weakness? If you are the weakness of someone significant, especially in this world… You end up as collateral. Bait.”
“Ransom…”
You look up for the first time since entering the room, looking at Sunoo’s face and making eye contact for the first time in years. He may seem bruised and broken but his eyes are just as sparkly as ever, you can’t help but notice. Even after everything, he still looks so kind and full of hope. Your Sunoo.
If it wasn’t for K, you think you would’ve spent the rest of the night there at Sunoo’s bedside, sharing stories about the past few years and occasionally reminiscing on a shared childhood one. At the very least, you get the chance to spend one more hour together in a way that feels like your time apart has been erased. Forgotten.
“I never stopped thinking about you,” he had said.
“And I never stopped loving you,” you answered, and he smiled. And though his arms were weak and limp, he held your hand in his and brought it up to his lips to plant a soft and loving kiss on your fingers.
“I love you too, Sunshine.”
It’s another few weeks when you see Sunoo again. It took such a long while that you even entertained (not that it was at all entertaining) the possibility that you would never hear from him again, but here you were on a Wednesday, getting picked up by K like normal and getting dropped off at your neighborhood playground. The very same one where you first met Kim Sunoo on the swings all those years ago. The memory is so faint now, and yet, it still remains to be as precious.
And while there are a few kids running around the area, bubbles blowing in the wind with a dog and a few parents, all you can see is Kim Sunoo swaying slowly but surely on the swings in the playground. There’s crutches on the ground by the swings, and when you turn, you catch a glimpse of two suited men watching closely by the trees. But even then, even with their surveillance and the implication of Sunoo’s injuries, you feel free and grateful and happy that he still came here to see you.
Swinging away. Back and forth. Under the sun.
The seat beside him is empty.
You take it.
And for a minute or so, you quietly acknowledge one another’s presence, simply basking in the atmosphere of the clear skies and the children’s laughter. The sun shines where Kim Sunoo is, and here, in this playground, as you swing up, up, and away, you know you are safe. While things may never go back to the way they were when you were simply innocent children without a clue of what the world could really be, you still have Kim Sunoo by your side and you know here that he is all you need.
The silence between you breaks with a comment from him. “Isn’t it funny?”
“What is?”
“That even after all this time, you and I are still desperate to swing up into the clouds?”
You chuckle a little, looking up at a clear sky. “There aren’t any clouds today though.”
“You think that’s why we’ve been unsuccessful all this time?” Sunoo ponders aloud.
“Yeah, maybe,” you answer. “Maybe we just needed the right weather.” He laughs at that, and you can’t stop yourself from swooning. He laughs so prettily and you miss it.
“I always thought all I ever needed was sunshine,” he responds mindlessly. “I was right. All I needed was you.”
You feel your heart stop.
“Are things ever going back to normal?”
Sunoo laughs again. “Hate to break it to you, but I don’t think they ever were.”
“Okay, but…” It’s wishful thinking, you know, but you have to ask. “I mean, between you and me. Are things ever going to be the way they used to be?”
Sunoo pauses, allowing his legs to fall so the momentum of his swing slows down with him and you do the same. He turns to you. “Do you remember our last conversation?”
“The last one in person? Or-”
“The one the night before I went away.”
“Through the windows?”
“Through the windows.”
Of course, you remember.
It was over sketchbook and notepad pages again, scribbling excitedly with your lamps on, turning the pages and showing them through your windows in fear of waking anyone or alerting his guards.
The conversation that night started off simple enough, just laughing over some silly story from school that feels so insignificant now. Some kid picked on your braids and, while you remained largely unbothered, Sunoo had gotten incredibly defensive and protective for you. It wasn’t even a significantly horrible experience, just awkward and annoying, and yet, Sunoo stood up for you and called you his to protect. Even the night of, hours after the confrontation had already passed, he was still pissed for you.
It was rare that you ever got to see him actually upset, so to see him act like that over you… It’s like all the colors and the lights of the world seeped into every dark crevice of your heart and life.
Because while you don’t think you could ever pinpoint when you fell in love with Kim Sunoo, you think you, at the very least, realized you were in love with him the night before he went away.
You realized you fell in love because of the reminder that he’d fight for you. You realized you fell in love because no one else made you feel so safe. You realized you fell in love because even during the darkest of nights, he was as bright as ever.
And the following morning, he was just unable to say goodbye.
“What about that night?”
It takes him a moment, but eventually, he musters up the courage. “I didn’t know I was leaving the next day,” Sunoo shares. “I figured I would leave for training soon, but I was never given an exact date. I didn’t even know how long I’d be gone.”
And to that, you find yourself chuckling a little. “You can stop explaining yourself. I understand. You’re… You've been through enough.”
“I really love you, Sunshine.”
You sigh, incapable of stopping a smile from creeping onto your face. “You… You’re here now. With me.” You reach over and grab his hand. You haven’t intertwined your fingers together in so long, but it suddenly feels as if you never stopped holding him. “And I’m here now. With you. So, it’s alright.”
Sunoo holds your hand tighter.
“I really love you too Sunoo.”
It’s only been a mere few weeks, but the past already feels a million lightyears away. And every day for the past few weeks, you’ve made an effort to visit Kim Sunoo at the Belift Lab infirmary right after school, especially now that you have permission. You never failed to be by his side up until his recent physical therapy sessions considering the severe leg injury.
It’s been a lot of adjusting, coming to realize your own butler’s involvement with the Belift Underground and now being friends with (and even in love with) the son of the mafia’s own second-in command. You think you’re starting to adjust though, with Heeseung and Jungwon keeping their eye on you and answering any questions you pose about their occupations. Jungwon is indeed the sole heir to Belift’s operations as RM’s son, the next mysterious Godfather, while Heeseung works on the business side of things. And after another tense meeting with Hoseok, you accept that his way of loving Kim Sunoo might not be to your liking, but he does care enough to pull Sunoo out of the business. At least, as much as he can be.
“Don’t tell Sunoo,” Hoseok shared. “But he honestly fared alright during all the training evaluations. Nothing special, but he would’ve made it out okay, at least on paper.”
“So why are you removing his involvement from the business?”
He sighed, afraid to admit what he was about to. “Because unlike what you seem to think, I do love Sunoo like a son. He’s already been kidnapped and shot. What else does he have to endure because of me? I’m not even a fraction of a real father and yet…”
Let’s just say that you saw a different side to Hoseok that day. Sure, he really wasn’t much of an ideal father, but there was definitely a kind of love there. That even in this business, he had the heart to let his sole successor go.
“He deserves normalcy,” Hoseok admitted. “Just like all the other kids roped into this world.”
You had a lot of questions. You wanted to ask to let all the other kids go, but you knew it wasn’t your place. Maybe you’d be able to ask in the future.
Much discussion was had about Kim Sunoo’s fate after being discharged.
With your continued and frequent visits to Belift, you come to meet many others. Young, young people who owe their lives to Belift, but manage to find themselves capable of withstanding what this whole world has to offer. Young people who don’t have guardians to turn to, or do, but have essentially no one anyways. The young people Hoseok compared his adoptive son to.
There’s Ni-ki, who you’d met previously. An orphan who can kill. There’s also a girl they all call Key, who, just like you, was dragged into the Belift Underground without warning and without protection. You learn, at least, that she feels safe with her new home at Belift thanks to her hacker boyfriend, Jake. And with their love story, you are reminded of your odd one with Sunoo.
To feel safe because of a person. That’s all you need.
It’s a little heartbreaking, you have to admit. The boy you once fell in love with will never be the same; but you know, in these past few weeks, that your heart hasn’t changed because you love him all the same. After all, what’s the point in loving someone if you only love them for one thing?
He’s alive, he’s breathing, he’s here, and he loves you in return and that is all that matters.
And after every horror he’s had to live through, after much discussion, K agrees to take upon the responsibility of becoming Sunoo’s sole guardian. You can’t say it’s much of a surprise, really, since K’s essentially raised Sunoo just like he did you. And as a former Belift agent, he also possesses the appropriate amount of skills to protect him, just in case his name still gets roped in despite now having zero paper involvement with Belift.
It also escapes your realization until the day he is discharged, but Sunoo’s adoption into K’s life makes it so that he officially moves in with your family. Your parents, of course, were made aware of the situation, already fully knowing what the Kims next door were involved with since first moving in. Sunoo takes the second bedroom in the basement nearby K, who insists you two aren’t allowed into each other’s rooms if the doors are closed.
And with time, things become normal.
For a while.
And things still hurt.
For a while.
And Kim Sunoo is different.
Forever.
And your world is changed.
Forever.
Things will perhaps never go back to the way you wanted it to, but you have Kim Sunoo back and you love him and he loves you and you are safe.
For now.
Soon enough, a new family moves into the Kim mansion, a family of four with young kids that you and Sunoo offer to babysit for them. And when they trash whatever remaining belongings were in the house, you and Sunoo go over to the bins to look for a particular crumpled piece of paper.
“I don’t know why you’re so attached to that,” he frowned, unsatisfied with the memory it brings. “The writing’s all faded now too.”
“It’s not about the memory it brings or the quality of it,” you explain, holding it in your hands like it’s a fragile creation you’re afraid to drop. “It’s the first time you told me you love me, you know.”
Dad wants me to go to boarding school. I’m sorry I can’t say goodbye. Let’s meet after graduation. I love you Sun.
“But I’ve said it, like, a million times since then!”
You laugh a little at his blushing cheeks and the way even the tips of his ears have reddened in bashfulness. “Yeah, but think about keeping this as a reminder of how far we’ve come.”
He rolls his eyes in the way you’ve grown familiar with and fond of. “Elaborate.”
“Well,” you begin. “Your dad has let you go. You never have to say goodbye again, at least, not if I can help it. We’re graduating next year together, and we love each other loudly and proudly.”
Sunoo smiles, taking your hand in his and eyeing the crumpled paper in your hand with a new sense of warmth. “It’s ugly and it’s been in the trash though.”
“Who cares?”
“I guess not us.”
“Exactly.”
“So…”
“So?”
“Should we frame it?”
“Put it above the dining table?”
“K’s gonna hate it.”
“He’s under my family’s payroll.”
“He’s also my new dad. He’s gonna cringe if he reads this.”
“And if he makes us take it down, I’ll fire him. Easy.”
“Sun!”
“What?” You respond, giggling madly with your jokes.
He licks his lips, scrunches his nose, and shakes his head. “Nothing. I just love you.”
#enhypen#enhypen x reader#enhypen sunoo#kim sunoo#sunoo imagines#sunoo scenarios#sunoo fluff#sunoo angst#enhypen mafia#mafia au#w: bu
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the best books I read in 2021
This past year has been an incredible reading year for me, I have never managed to get so much reading done in a year, and I feel like I fell in love with this activity all over again.
I decided to look back at my goodreads account, to see what 5 star ratings I have given during the past year, and I was surprised.(I should mention that not all books I read during the year are included on that list, because I couldn't find some on the platform, but if you want to check out my goodreads here's the link to my profile x). I realized that I gave less 5 star readings than I thought, apparently over time I changed my opinion on a pretty big amount of books. For example I though I gave 5 stars to a couple of books by H.G. Wells , but apparently I did not, same thing happened to a few other books.
In my 5 star ratings there's many re-readings I have done this year, because I have re-read a couple of my favourite books, like Frankenstein by Mary W. Shelly, The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien and The Humans by Matt Haig. In this post I am only considering the books I have read for the first time (I might do a post of my favourite books ever in the future).
I linked all the specific posts and reiews I wrote on here during the year, in case anyone is interested in reading more on some books. Also let me know what your favourite readings of the year were! I am always looking for book reccomendations.
Non Fiction
I normally read quite a bit of non fiction, mainly for university, but it's a type of book I really enjoy. This year there weren't a lot of five stars, but here's a couple books I really reccomend.
Queer by Maya De Leo
This is the book my queer history professor wrote and assigned us for class. It was absolutely one of the best readings I did in all 2021. It's the perfect introduction to queer history, it explains things clearly, so that anyone could approach and understand the subjects (both those who don't know much about the queer community and those who do not have a huge historical background). There's a lot of sources, and it's overall a great jumping point for further research. I wish everyone around me gave a read to this book, because unfortunately the vast majority of its subjects are not part of a standard school programs.
Life Isn't Binary: On Being Both, Beyond, and In-Between by Alex Iantaffi and M.J. Barker
This was one of my most annotated books of the year. I have a digital copy, which is a shame because I enjoy annotating physical books much more. Anyway this book was so eye-opening. It's all about how binary thinking is at the base of the majority of things in our life, not only in the way our society thinks of sexuality and gender, but in every aspect of life. It was illuminating, I have reccomended it to everyone I know, and I will surely re-read this in the future. It also has a lot of prompts for further analysis of the subjects, which I found to be perfect as journaling prompts. There's also a bunch of further material one could read to know more about the subjects of each chapter, which is always a plus.
Art Matters by Neil Gaiman
This book is stunning. It was illustrated by Chris Riddle, who is an amazing artist, and Gaiman's writing is gorgeous, as usual. I never though I could get emotional while reading non-fiction, but apparently it can happen. This book is so important, and it deals with a lot of subjects, from the importance of libraries, to making art, and believing in art. It's such a short read aswell, I think every creative person, or booklover should own this. I found myself re reading small passages now and then just randomly. This book filled me with joy and hope.
Graphic Novels
During 2021 I gave 5 star ratings to a very high number of graphic novels. If you have read a few of my posts in the past, you might know my love for this type of book. This past year I got to read some incredible ones. Here's a list of a few of my favourites:
Cinzia by Leo Ortolani
This is very high on my list of best books of the year, it quickly became one of my favourite graphic novels of all time, and I am planning a re-reading. This is the graphic novel I would reccomend to someone who has never read Ortolani's stuff before, because it has everything that makes his works memorable. His humor is perfectly shown here, but at the same time he manages to make you so emotional, and you can't help but connect to the main character. The plot is very simple, it follows Cinzia, a trans woman, who gets a crush on a guy she randmly meets. This crush will bring her to do crazy things to get close to him, and eventually she will mature on many different levels. It's really hard not to spoil anything, since the plot is so simple. As I said this graphic novel is humorous, as everything written by this author, but as always it manages to hit you when it wants you to.
Special mention to : Il Grande Ratolik and Bedelia both by Leo Ortolani, again.
I don't want to rant too much on the same author, but these two graphic novels were also incredible. Il Grande Ratolik, is a brilliant parody of one of my favourite comic series Diabolik by the Giussani sisters, and it's absolutely hilarious. Bedelia, on the other hand is more on the line of Cinzia. This time the story follows an insanely famous model, who is about to be replaced by a younger girl. The presentation of the book claims you will fall in love with a bitch, and believe me you will. She is mean and heartless, and you will inevitably adore her. There's also a twist which I did not see comig at all.
In Italia Sono Tutti Maschi by De Santis and Colaone
This graphic novel was an amazing journey in italian queer history, it shows a moment of the history of my country which I didn't learn in school until I personally seeked a queer history course. The official denial of the very existence of homosexuality in Italy during the fascist regime, and how queer people were sent away as "political enemies". This subject is amazingly linked to the importance of the few testimonies we have, but also how hard is to get them. This touching story is told through amazing illustrations that just make this book a work of art.
A Man's Skin by Hubert and Zanzim
I found out about this graphic novel online, and I got it without knowing too much about it. I knew it was about the story of a young girl who, before her arranged marriage, wishes to know her future husband. She is then told that the women of her family have a man's skin, that one can wear to disguise themselves as a man. This is the outline of the plot, but believe me this story touches to many subjects, from arranged marriages, to womanhood, religion obsessivness, and queerness. I don't want to say too much, because I really enjoyed going into this graphic novel without much informations. The illustrations were stunning, and it's incredibly engaging, and as an history nerd I saw a few historical references which I really appreciated.
The Sandman by Neil Gaiman
In 2021 I finally read Preludess And Nocturnes the first graphic novel in The Sandman series, and I also listened to the audiobook that was made. I had been interested in finally reading this for years, and I am so happy I finally decided to give it a try. I adored the plot and the characters, Dream is such a fascinating and interesting main character, and this first volume was stunning. The audiobook is extraordinary, it's perfect. It goes beyond the plot of the first volume, and I cannot wait to read more of this series.
Short Stories
Anyone who knows me, knows how much I love short stories, this year I have read many collections, but here I'll talk about a couple of short stories I read singularly. If I were to talk about all the five starts I gave inside short stories collections this post would be even longer than it is already. (But if anyone is interested I could do a dedicated post talking only about short stories, so let me know).
The Star by H.G. Wells
When I was looking into my goodreads account what I read this year, I was surpresed that I did not give five stars to other books I read written by H.G. Wells. This is because 2021 was the year in which I fell in love with his writing. I had never read anything by him, and I read quite a few of his works within the san of just a few months. The Star is the perfect short story to get an idea of his writing style. What I love about Wells is the simplicity of his ideas, and the amazing execution, that everytime leaves you wondering whether the things he talks about actually happened or not. I was so captured by all his works, and this one could be a great starting point. The plot is quite simple, on Earth people start realizing that a certain star is seemingly getting closer and closer to our planet.
The Lottery by Shirley Jackson
I've been hearing people talk about this author and this short story in particular for so long. I had never read anything of hers before, but I surely will buy one of her short story collections in 2022. I adored this one, it's a great exaple of the kind of story I love. Very simple, with a nice creepy twist in the end. I cannot wait to read more by this author.
The Sleeper And The Spindle by Neil Gaiman and illustrated by Chris Riddle
Okay, so tecnically this book shouldn't be on this list. It is a short story, but it has its own stand alone edition. Most importantly this is tecnically a re-reading for me, and at the beginning of this post I said I would talk about those books I read for the first time in 2021. But hear me out, this is possibly my favourite short story by my favourite author, and this year I got this incredible illustrated version, how could I not mention it here? The first time I read it I had read the translated version (in Italian), but this time I got the English edition. The best way I can describe this retelling of Snow White and The Sleeping Beauty is by saying, this is the story I wish I had growing up. I won't say more, do yourself a favour and read it. The illustrated edition is so worth it, Chris Riddle is an incredibly talented artist, and he did a stunning job with this one.
Fiction
This year I read so much fiction. I have never read as much as I did this year, as I was mentioning, and the majority of it was fiction.
The Song Of Achilles by Madeline Miller
I was dubious about this book before reading it. I am not a lover of YA novels, and I am always a bit scared to approach mythological retellings (and retellings in general), because I fear the new version won't give justice to the source. I was very wrong. This was a stunning book, with amazing writing, that made me forget I knew the story already. It's the perfect way to get people interested in myths, and it was a spectacular journey. I cannot wait to reread it and annotate the hell out of it, since my first reading was done with an audiobook.
Piranesi by Susanna Clarke
This novel bewitched me. Ever since I read it, it has been on the back of my mind at all times, I can't seem to be able to stop thinking about it. I was intrigued by the cover, and when I heard it was about a character living in an infinete house filled with statues, with a single friend called the Other, I had to get it. The writing in this is stunning, it's absolutely beautiful. I fell in love with the main character, Piranesi is such a pure being, who manages to see beauty and purpuse in everything, and I just adored him. I have been fighting off the urge to reread this all year. I should also mention that this book got me out of a reading slump, and the descriptions of the house are magical, anyone who likes the dark academia aesthetic will adore them. Also everyone I reccomended it to was just as obessed as I was with it after reading it.
The Book Of Lost Things by John Connolly
Possibly one of the easiest five stars of all year. I found this book in a reccomendation video, where it was described as an "horror retelling of fairy tales that will ruin your childhood". Of course with such a description I was sold on it, and I got it. It was perfection, I loved how the story feels like a sort of fairy tale itself. I loved how the horror was woven into the plot, and it was the perfect autumanl book. I couldn't reccomend this more.
The Shining by Stephen King
I had so many thoughts about this before reading it. I thought it was going to be so overrated, but when I found an audiobook I finally decided to give it a try, and I loved everything about it. I really like the classical horror theme of hauntings, and this one was incredible, I now understand why it's so famous. I didn't adore the characters but they serverd the plot amazingly, so I wouldn't even count that as a bad thing. The setting was beautiful, the vibe you feel about this hotel in the middle of nowhere is perfection. I am so happy about how much this book surprised me.
#this is a super long post i am sorry#but it was honestly pretty fun to make and it gave me the opportunity to look back to many things I read#long post#best books of 2021#favourite books of 2021#2021 books#book review#book reccomendations#book rec#fave books of 2021#book#books#bookblr#booklr#bookish#bookish recs#graphic novel reccomendations#non fiction reccomendations#short story reccomendations#fiction reccomendations#studybr#studyblr#the---hermit
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hi I’m here to review the Clementine comic. it’s not good.
Does this even need an introduction? You know why I’ve gathered you all here today. You know the comic exists, and you probably know that it’s not great and we’re all upset about it.
Myself included. I am not okay. At all.
Skybound could’ve literally spit in my face and I’d come out feeling better than I did reading this comic, because this comic is an insult to the original Telltale games and Clementine as a character.
This comic is a fancy fanfic. Glorified fanfiction. It’s not canon, and Skybound and Tillie can pretend that it is, but it’s not. Bold of them to assume we’d just accept this from people who didn’t work on the original games and never wrote for Clementine before, and based on this comic alone, any chance of us taking it seriously is gone.
I’m gonna go through every single page, every panel, of this comic and give you my review. So I guess if you’re worried about spoilers [though at this point why would you?] then be warned, spoilers for the entire comic ahead.
I also wanna add that I have nothing against Tillie Walden. I know a lot of dingdongs are harassing her on insta over this comic and that’s not okay. You telling her how much you hate her isn’t going to change anything. If anything, you keep being assholes to her and she’s just gonna block everything out, even things simply critiquing her work in hopes that it helps her improve.
You’re allowed to be upset about the comic and share your feelings about it, but don’t take it out on the actual human being like that. Besides, like I’ve said before, if Tillie wasn’t gonna make the comic, Skybound would’ve found someone else to do. This was coming no matter what because Skybound wants that coin.
That being said, I’m not going to hold back my opinions on this comic. Skybound and Tillie made this comic, they put it out there and asked for money for it, therefore I’m allowed to explain why it’s garbage as well as ponder over the questionable intent and whether or not Tillie actually has played these games. Y’know, it’s like how I have nothing against Kent, but sometimes he says things I disagree with and well, y’know how it goes.
Alright, this is gonna be long, so let’s go--
The first few shots we get are of the school, two people sleeping, and Clementine’s empty bed. Nothing super note-worthy, we have no idea who is sleeping in the beds, it’s just there to establish that it’s early and everyone’s still asleep.
The drawing of the school looks fine? Not super accurate, but I can give it a pass since it’s a few years later, I assume. What I can’t give a pass is how you managed to already mess up on the first page of your comic.
Because..... why are you implying that Clementine’s room is upstairs? First of all, seems kinda dumb to put Clem, who has only one leg and has to walk with crutches, upstairs. Also, if you’ve played TFS and paid any attention to where her room is actually located [the dorms] then you’d know there isn’t any stairs leading to their floor. It’s the side building next to the admin building, you walk through the door, go down the hall, take a left and their dorm is right there sooo.....
Oh right, it’s probably done this way so that we can have such a suspenseful moment where Clementine is sneaking out while the others are asleep and her foot makes a creeeeeeakk that could wake everyone up, thwarting her plans of abandoning everyone quietly so she doesn’t have to deal with any consequences.
Because yeah, Clementine is sneaking out with all of her supplies because apparently, she’s been planning an escape from this place for a while.
And just look at how gosh darn happy she is about it. You can’t see or hear me, but know that I’m laughing. Don’t worry, I will talk about her abandoning everyone later.
But first, I have a gripe with Clementine's design in this comic. It doesn’t look like her. This art of her right here is the most accurate we get throughout all 12 pages, and it’s the best looking, too.
Moving on, she slams the door shut while this walker changes faces and hair between panels, so that’s cool. I will say, I like the idea of the Ericson crew putting spikes on the door. That’s fun.
Though Clementine slamming the door shut while trying to sneak out seems counter productive but it fits with the theme this comic has of inconsistency, so it works.
Next we have Clementine going to what I believe is the fishing shack by the river, and she’s going through some things that she’s stashed away, telling us that she’s been planning this escape for a while.
Oh good, she has a map. Well at least now she won’t get lost out there in the woods while she makes her escape... also that last panel with her profile.... why does it look so funny? Like this page of the comic doesn’t look too bad, but there is something off putting about her eye there and how she has zero expression.
And it turns out that rustle was a walker, and Clementine is super inconvenienced by this and gives us our first piece of witty dialogue.
Yeah you dumb walker, can’t you see Clementine is busy running away from home and abandoning all of her loved ones without a single goodbye so she doesn’t have to witness the consequences of her selfish actions?? Gosh, so rude.
Just a heads up, the dialogue in this comic is stilted, emotionless, and bland. The words have no flow, no charm, and never feel like they should be coming out of Clementine’s mouth. Then again, the upcoming graphic novels this is tied to are for young adult/middle graders so I guess we have to dumb everything down so their baby brains can process it.
.....Why does her face look like that? Also, interesting that she decided to move her ponytail to the other side of her head.... which is a thing that happens throughout this comic, her hair will randomly change sides.
I believe it’s a metaphor for her changing and inconsistent personality.
So yeah, Clementine is just making off with the supplies she gathered [I’m sure Ericson doesn’t need ‘em anyway] and she’s just so gosh darn annoyed at all these small inconveniences bothering her.... because it’s just too early for this.
.....Again, why does her face look like that?
I’m sorry, like I get it, Tillie’s style is supposed to be purposely messy yet minimal but it doesn’t work. When you do a comic in a more messy style, usually it has charm and heart put into it. Effort goes into the messy look, and when things are minimal, that usually means more clean, yeah? So you put them together and just..... that is nothing resembling Clementine’s face.
Can we just--
Look at canon Clementine’s face. Look at the way her eyebrows are shapes, how wide her eyes are with her eye lashes. The dirt on her skin, the lines-- there is so much personality in her features. It doesn’t matter if she’s wearing a neutral expression or she’s expressing anger or joy or sorrow or whatever.
Now, is it fair to compare a model of Clem from the games to the Clem in this comic? Well, I assume that if Tillie is doing this comic, she would use references from the game to ensure that Clementine is recognizable, especially now that she’s no longer wearing her signature hat.
So why does she look like this? Why do I look at these drawings of her face and see nothing but a pair of eyes, a nose, and a mouth? You might as well draw me a simple smiley face. And I get that it’s a comic, and it’s a lot of work to draw the same character over and over again and you gotta cut corners somewhere, but maybe put some effort into the close up shots of her face so that we can actually see it’s her?
Other fan artists have made comics in their styles that shine bright with Clementine’s personality, so what happened here?
Anyway, surprise..... it’s not a walker annoying Clementine.
........Why does AJ look like that??? I’m sorry, I hate to do the same thing I just did but--
Just because you put Clementine’s hat on AJ that doesn’t automatically make it him. I just.... wow. This feels like there wasn’t a single reference involved, like if someone gave Tillie a basic description of AJ and she just did this.
But appearances aside, what is AJ saying? He says that he knew it, that Clementine’s leaving and I cannot stand this dialogue. It’s unnatural. Again, I know you wanna dumb it down for all of us because I guess we dumb.... but this conversation does not feel natural.
“I knew it. You’re leaving.”
“AJ....”
“I’m coming.”
Even if you changed it to, “I’m coming with you.” it would sound more natural. Hell, he doesn’t even question WHY she’s leaving, he just stands there like “I’m coming” like??? I’m sorry, have you ever heard a single word this murder baby has said? I assume you have because I assume you actually played TFS, right? Soooo.... what happened here?
.....whY DO THEIR FACES LOOK LIEK THAT KSAJDLKJAS:LKDJLKASJD:L--
So now we’re getting into it.... into the bullshit.
Clementine tells AJ to go back to the school, and AJ says that she wasn’t even going to say goodbye..... and then more bad dialogue that sound unnatural when you try to fucking read it.
First off.... AJ’s reaction to Clementine attempting to leave is barely anything. Again, I hate to keep questioning if you actually played TFS, but AJ would throw a fucking fit if he caught Clementine out here ALONE like this, attempting to leave.
And then he says “Like last time? You were going to come back?” this sentence makes my brain hurt. I just.... “Like last time, right? You’re coming back?” UGH
Wow, I feel nothing.
I’m sitting here watching these two imposters with fucked up faces who are supposed to be Clementine and AJ and I feel nothing.
I’m not even going to comment on the faces anymore. You can see it. You know.
So yeah... AJ tells her the #1 rule, and reminds her that she promised.
Y’know.... she promised that she would never leave him again? Remember? At the McCarroll ranch? That flashback that was in TFS? The one you would watch if you played the game?
Why is she looking straight at me when she should be looking at AJ as she says this? Is this Clementine’s way of telling me she’s sorry for what a shitty direction this is taking? I wouldn’t know because her face isn’t doing anything. Just because you draw a couple of tears that doesn’t mean I’m feeling the emotional heartbreak you’re attempting to convey.
I don’t have enough middle fingers for this.
Well, my hat’s off to you. Ya did it. Ya fucked up everything single part of Clementine’s character in the span of two pages, I’m almost impressed.
First off, the baby thing is weird. Why is she calling him that? She’s never called him that, which you should know.
Second, she’s not happy and that’s why she’s leaving. Clementine isn’t happy, and AJ can’t make her happy. Ericson can’t make her happy. So she’s going to go out on the road to.... what, be unhappy by herself?
I’m sorry, but apparently we need a few reminders here of who Clementine is, because this isn’t her.
This is Clementine.
Clementine fought for years to find a home, something she hasn’t had since she was an eight-year-old girl before the apocalypse. The motor-inn wasn’t a home, the cabin wasn’t home, the ski-lodge, Howe’s, Wellington, Richmond, Prescott, none of them were home.
She struggled for years, dealing with trauma after trauma while out on the road. She went from group to group, watching people she cared about die and she was powerless to do anything about it. Whenever she let her guard down and become comfortable, it bit in her in the ass and left her heartbroken.
She was there when AJ was born. She grew close to Rebecca while she was pregnant, she let herself do that even after everything she went through with Christa. Clementine had a bond with AJ even before he was born, and after Rebecca died, she did what she could to keep him safe, despite play choice.
She cried when she thought AJ died and when she found him in that car again. She swore to protect him, to raise him right and love him. All they had was each other.
And when she joined the new frontier and AJ got sick, she risked everything to save him and she was devastated when they took him away from her. When she found out he was alive, she is willing to go as far as helping Lingard overdose [INJECTING HIM HERSELF IF SHE HAS TO] to figure out his location. She did shitty things to find him, she killed people at McCarroll Ranch to find him again.
Clementine raised him and he is her family, do you understand that? She went to hell and back for him, she taught him how to protect himself, and even though she made mistakes she sacrificed everything for him. She promised him that they would have a home of their own one day, she talked about how much she wished for a world where she didn’t have to worry about fighting and killing and AJ could just be a happy kid.
She fought for Ericson, she watched her friends die or become mutilated by someone from her past. She allowed herself to be vulnerable enough to pursue a romantic relationship with Louis or Violet because she felt safe with them, felt safe at Ericson because it’s their home now.
And when Clementine was bit, she thought she was going to die but she still fought to make sure AJ would be safe and happy without her and it was heartbreaking. She’s dying and the only thing she cares about is AJ. Not herself, not what’s going to happen to her after she dies or turns... no, she tries to make AJ smile again, she makes sure he remembers the rules, and she tells him that she loves him.
Then he cuts off her leg, and she survives. AJ saved her fucking life, and she got to wake up at home and live to see her family again. She got to push AJ on a tire swing, she got to eat a hot meal and laugh with her friends, she got to make plans with her lover/best friend for what’s next for Ericson, and she got to talk to AJ and tell him the truth... and she asked him if she did a good job, and he’s honest with her right back.
Hell, she tells him to keep her hat. Her iconic hat. The one thing she has left of her father, possibly her more cherished item. She lets him keep it.
The last time we see Clementine, she’s happy. She’s sitting on the steps by herself, staring at her family with such fondness in her eyes and a smile on her face because she finally did it. She finally found a home where she can breathe. She has a bed to sleep in, she has AJ with her, she has a boyfriend/girlfriend who loves her and who she loves back, she has friends she can rely on.
Clementine smiles, and lets out a small laugh.
She doesn’t have to run anymore.
And now you have the balls to tell me that AJ and Ericson don’t make Clementine happy anymore.
She abandons everything to go back out on the road again, and that’s proof enough for me that you don’t understand a damn thing about Clementine or her journey.
“ I don't even know the person I'm talking about... It's like all we have in common is the same name.”
....Anyway.
Wow, Clementine found a car and kept is stashed. How lazy and convenient for this bullshit plot.
And this is the part where I have to tell this comic to fuck off.
What, you think if you throw in an incredibly inaccurate flashback next to a current pair of hugging Clem and AJ that I’ll feel anything but anger? That flashback is a slap to the face. It’s snowing, but the only time we’ve seen snow is in S2 when AJ was a literal new born, so why is he that big? Is that supposed to be from ANF because that ALSO doesn’t look like that AJ, and that’s not the outfit Clementine had on... AND there was no snow. This is cheap and meaningless.
Any fan of the series who has played through the games could tell you this.
So.... AJ runs into the woods and then we get this garbage.
This comic is awful. It misses the point of everything TFS, and the rest of the series, stood for. There is no heart here. I feel no happiness in reading it, and I don’t detect any passion behind it. It’s a lifeless comic that retcons everything in order to throw AJ away and start fresh with a new adventure for Clementine that makes no sense because the cow isn’t profitable unless it’s milked.
This isn’t canon, and it won’t ever be canon, and honestly? At this point, I have no faith in the graphic novel trilogy. It will take a lot to do a turn around from this, and I don’t even know if that’s possible.
Again, to reiterate, I don’t have anything personal against Tillie Walden herself. She’s just doing her job, and from what I’ve seen of her as a person, she seems like a sweetheart. I don’t want anyone giving her shit because I think the comic isn’t good or that you agree with me. All of my anger is directed at the comic itself, her work, not specifically her.... and a little bit at Skybound, because they’re the reason this is even a thing in the first place.
So yeah.... there ya have it.
#twdg#twdg clementine#twdg aj#twdg louis#twdg violet#i got mad while writing this up#i had to chill and make tea#i don't want to be mean but like.....#this comic makes me mad#it's dumb because it shouldn't make me mad but it does#and because it does that only makes me madder#hahaha#i am just not a happy camper right now#ugh#long post
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Return of the Jedi has perhaps my favorite ending of any story, ever: Luke’s impossible faith in his father gives Vader the chance to change, and Vader takes that chance. I strongly feel this is a beautiful and moving tale about the power of forgiveness and love. The powerful relationship between father and son made a huge impression on me as a child, and continues to influence the stories I like to tell and the way I feel about life. The set, costumes, and music are so effective in their desperate darkness that they can always sweep me away from the silliness on Endor. Mark Hamill as the noble Jedi and Ian McDiarmid as the wicked Emperor are both so invested in their characters and the drama of the situation that they deliver the best chemistry in the whole franchise. Luke’s decision to throw his lightsaber away is so brave and inspiring, such a bold moment of moral intelligence, that it can sometimes even make me believe that Star Wars deserves all its hype.
But this ending is still flawed in many ways. Behind the scenes, the crew rudely slighted Vader’s actor David Prowse; they apparently promised he would get to film the helmetless scenes, but they replaced him instead, even misleading him about studio filming schedules. Also, while I love the tragedy of Luke’s failure to save his father’s life, Vader’s death still falls into the offensive “bury your disabled characters” trope. Personally I wouldn’t want to change RotJ, but as long as Star Wars keeps rhyming with itself, other Star Wars stories should show equally complex, equally disabled characters who find love and heroism and life. It is completely unfair that, after all this time, this franchise has never been as bold with its hope as it is with its tragedy.
Another problem with RotJ’s ending is that, as I explained in my short analysis yesterday, it’s not fair to push the responsibility of one’s own actions to someone else’s attitude. Just because someone believes you are bad, doesn’t mean you are; and just because someone believes you’re good -- especially if you’ve never given them any reason to -- doesn’t make you good.
Star Wars does address this problem, of course, with Revenge of the Sith. In the devastating ending of RotS, Padme’s actions parallel Luke’s. She still loves Anakin, in spite of what she knows he has done, and she gives up everything to give him the chance of a new life. Padme’s faith isn’t even as impossible as Luke’s, as she has also seen Anakin’s love. But this time, her feelings toward Anakin do not change him, and his violence toward his own wife goes much further than kids’ movies generally do. The Last Jedi also treads this ground: in spite of Luke’s warning, Rey puts her faith in Kylo, and he likewise proves himself unworthy of it.
Both these characters’ stories show the folly of reckless love, rather than its power. I like these spinoff movie endings as well; they are just as iconic as -- and smarter than -- RotJ’s ending. The main thing that takes me out of those scenes is that women just can’t catch a break in Star Wars, which can be frankly exhausting.
Another way Star Wars could address some of the flaws in the ending of RotJ, besides subverting it in referential spinoffs, would be to flesh out the now haunted relationship between the lonely knight and his ghostly dad. If these two ever manage to ditch Obi-Wan and talk mano a mano, it could be very emotional and interesting. I can’t imagine this happening in live action -- I won’t hope for more Sad Old Luke, because it’s not going to happen no matter how much I want it -- but this kind of confrontation could make a very, very cool comic.
Image credit: “Star Wars: The Original Trilogy: A Graphic Novel.” Disney-Lucasfilm Press. Originally published: March 1, 2016. Republished as mini-comic for Galaxy of Adventures Luke action figure: Fall, 2018. Writer: Alessandro Ferrari. Illustrator: Alessandro Pastrovicchio.
#star wars#star wars comics#return of the jedi#luke skywalker#darth vader#anakin skywalker#original trilogy#illustration#alessandro ferrari#alessandro pastrovicchio#2016#star wars family#star wars disability#force-bond#jedi vs sith#pure jedi content#hot sith content#cyborg#helmet#lightsaber#rebel#the empire#dramatic cape#feelings#star wars throne
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Opinion: How could Sonamy progress in IDW?
[note: the original article was written in Spanish by @latin-dr-robotnik]
Today we’re going to discuss a recurring topic on my blog, with a more complete perspective.
Today’s article was inspired by an ask I got a few days ago about my possible perspective on the future of IDW Sonamy. I thought it would be interesting to revisit and expand this topic, because it’s still something of great interest for thousands of fans all around the world, and because SEGA has recently adopted a very peculiar position on the couple and their dynamic. As I detailed on my article SEGA and its most recent Sonamy side – more canon than ever, the dynamic has been going through a shift that can be distinguished into two main parts: 1) the commercial potential of Sonamy as a merchandising and marketing icon; 2) the stability of the interactions in the comics, in the short monthly stories on Sonic Channel, and so on.
That being said, there’s no need to mention that we’re going to focus entirely and nothing more than on this ship. I usually suggest other articles for those who prefer to read on other subjects, but today I will recommend our Discord server [translator’s note: the server is mainly Spanish-speaking], where discussions about ships are limited on their own canal that is separated from other themes: general discussions, music, fangames and mods, fanfics, fanart and even gaming in general. As you know, if you want to bring something else to our community, or just avoid talking about Sonamy, you’re more than welcome to join. Now, back on track.
What’s going on with Sonamy in IDW?
To recap what’s happened in these last months: Sonic and his friends finally got through the nightmare that was the Metal Virus, he and Amy hugged a few times, and since very recently they’ve been involved in a short arc about Chao races in Twinkle Park Zone, with a sinister background. In these last months after the eradication of the virus, there have been much closer and warmer interactions between our two hedgehogs, and I suspect that part of this is what inspired that question in the first place: what’s going on?
As I commented in the article where I proposed that Sonamy is “more canon than ever” (I know that it’s an exaggeration, that was the point), SEGA is treading carefully and the main canon seems to be willing to negotiate a more open representation of the relationship between the two in their different continuities, from best friends to something more. What I did not expect to happen was reading an answer from Evan Stanley (artist and writer that replaces Ian Flynn) about their dynamic, summing it up with “they like each other”.
The redrawing of Sonic’s expression when Amy hugs him in a recent drawing of hers made people wonder if this was yet another example of SEGA’s “censoring” (comparison below), to which Evan answered that it was modified to keep Sonic in character: he’s a guy that does not show much emotional vulnerability or too many negative emotions, and this is why sometimes the artists have to adjust WIPs to keep in line with this official point of view. Evan assured that this is not any kind of confirmation that Sonic does not like Amy, and doubles down by highlighting that in the official material, in the wikis and on Sonic Channel they show that, and I quote: “They like each other, but Sonic just isn’t the kind of guy who is going to make goo-goo eyes at Amy or perform grand acts of romance. If you wanna see that, that’s what fan works are for.”
And Evan’s words are a great way to sum up what’s going on with IDW Sonic right now. When it comes to interactions, they’re working with two characters who deep down “like each other”, but both show it in their own way. Amy is much more proactive when it comes to express her feelings, while Sonic only sometimes shows a glimpse of his feelings, with a smile or a small gesture. But at the end of the day they’re still friends and, depending on the situation, the comic can focus more or less on these details.
Comparison between the first sketch showed by Evan and the final product. The modification of the expression was minimal: Sonic’s slight blush was changed into a smile, maybe being a little overwhelmed by the gesture of affection.
The “progression” of the dynamic in the future
A good part of the answer to this question is based on my idea that right now, when it comes to Sonamy, we reached some kind of comfortable plateau. What am I referring to? To the fact that there have been a lot of varied interactions in these last 3 years of the comic, and they’re everything I could have asked for and then some. When we talk about Sonamy in canon, as Evan said, we don’t tend to hope for great romantic gestures from Sonic, we barely even ask for a look that hints that they understand each other beyond what it seems at first glance, so the fact that the IDW continuity is betting so much on this ship is basically a dream come true. For this reason, I don’t think things will change much in the future.
If I have to make a prediction on Sonamy’s future in IDW, I believe that there are still a lot of possibilities that our known writers (and maybe new writers!) could explore more, to see what makes this dynamic work so well. Actually, about 10 years ago, Ian Flynn wrote that if they could take advantage of the abilities and similarities between the two characters as adventurous spirits and with a strong moral sense, they would be “like poetry in motion”. This largely happens in IDW Sonic if you look carefully, but there are always new stories to tell and opportunities for them to work together and explore a bit more their strong bond, stronger than other friendships that they share. When the next major arc comes (which seems to be getting closer), they could explore aspects of their dynamic that are slightly more experimental, like being separated for extended periods of time and under dangerous situations… as long as they don’t turn it into a painful experience like the Metal Virus arc.
What Ian Flynn wrote about Sonamy, what works and what doesn’t. This was written in 2011, when Archie Sonic was still the major comic continuity, and when, according to Ian, Sonic was still “tied” to Sally Acord, leaving little room to the writers’ opinions.
The reality is that I see a stable future for the dynamic in the IDW universe. Sonamy is not fit for a lot of drama (fights, breaking up, etc.) without feeling forced or completely out of place, and only fanfics and fanart could be capable of capitalizing on this kind of content. On the other hand, for reasons I detailed in past articles, SEGA would not dare to alter the established order of the dynamic, let alone new that they managed to recover and maintain control over the ways Sonamy is being portrayed everywhere. SEGA won’t pull a Dragon Prince, which ended up confirming the main ship and then they made them go through a crisis and break up in a heartwrenching way in the graphic novel that acts as a bridge between season 3 and 4.
In short
The future of IDW Sonamy is looking bright and stable. I don’t think there will be serious changes to what we’re experiencing right now, and this is why both Evan Stanley and Ian Flynn agree that the dynamic is practically in the perfect place, keeping in line to how SEGA wants them to be represented together. This means we won’t see more affectionate gestures than what we’re seeing now (I doubt we’ll ever see again Sonic offering Amy a rose like in Sonic X), but it also means that we have now a solid basis for our expectations. In the now old IDW Sonic #2, Sonic and Amy had the chance of seriously talking a bit about what they thought of each other, with Sonic being determined to keep living life his own way (although he wouldn’t mind Amy to accompany him… or even suggesting himself that she could come), and Amy being determined to respect his way of life, because that’s what she loves about him, and she doesn’t want him to change. Since then, all we have seen and we’ll keep seeing in the comic is a consequence of this key moment; the two philosophies that they have and they share, in a constant back-and-forth with some tense moments and some cute moments.
An interesting detail that wasn’t included in the ask and that makes me think is the possibility that all of this will feature in the games as well. This is a completely different matter for another day, but I like to think that there is the possibility that we’ll see SEGA being more interested in inserting more Sonamy in the games, even if in an indirect way like in Sonic Unleashed and its emotional support, especially if the rumors that we’re about to get a soft-reboot are true. Romance is not something Sonic games are famous for doing well… at all, but that doesn’t mean it would be a bad idea to add a little sprinkle of IDW Sonamy in the mix.
And finally, I think I’ve talked enough about this topic, As you know, we’re waiting for some news, and I hope we’ll see each other again here or on our Discord. We’ll see if on this 25th something interesting happens. In any case, see you next time!
The moment that shaped the present and future of their entire relationship, 3 years ago.
#sonic the hedgehog#sonamy#long post#translation#oh look just in time for that famous thursday 25th#keeping up the chronicles of sonamy's evolution#this was fun to translate lol#it's probably a little clunky in some places but it should be readable enough#anyway now i'm hyped lol
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