When no kink at pride reaches doxxing of an organisation whose purpose is purely educational is when I know it what the right call not to show my face there...

Okay yes hi hello this is me gracing y’all with my writing Bc I’ve had this idea forever!! This is going to be multiple chapters, here is chapter two. Enjoy :)

~

Technical Analyst (ch.1)

~

Short description: Spencer works as a technical analyst alongside Garcia and Kevin, though he hasn’t ever really worked directly with the BAU team, he works more in filing and researching. But when Garcia goes on vacation leave, and Kevin is busy with his own work, Spencer steps up to help- and that’s when he meets Derek Morgan.

———————————————————————

Spencer hated technology. He hated computers, tablets, cell phones, he hated it all. He hated everything and anything that isn’t on printed onto paper. So how the fuck did he end up as a technical analyst- whose entire job was based around proficient use of technology? In very short, budget cuts.

He originally worked in domestic terrorism, though he never fit in well there. He was a good worker, fast and able to do a lot. But his coworkers never let him feel included. He would hear them make plans without him, ignore him in conversations, only reaching out to him for his great memory to help solve a case. It was dehumanizing. He was just a brain for them, nothing more.

Then, the budget cuts came. And he got removed from the team, as he had the least amount of hours in the field- which wasn’t his fault. The rest of his team always forced him into the research position, so while they were off chasing the bad guys, he was stuck researching with a computer he doesn’t trust.

So yeah, he wasn’t an asset to them. But the bureau knew a mind like his in general was an asset, a fountain they’d like to keep a tap on. So they made work for him. It was mostly menial. He would assist with intense cases when necessary, but even then it was just research. No one knew what he would be like in the field, because they never gave him the chance.

Spencer tried not to think about how unfair this was, how stupid and purely tedious it was. He would rather be working as a T.A. at this point- which wouldn’t even be that bad. At least he gets heard and seen then.

~

Spencer’s normal day consists of going from his apartment to the bureau building, to directly into his cramped little office that was about the size of a jumbo walk in closet. A nice size to store clothes, but not so nice when you have to have a person, a desk, a chair, three computer monitors, two filing cabinents, a trash can, a fax machine, and a printer all crammed in there.

Yeah, his workplace was entirely too small. Thankfully it didn’t impact his ability to work, though, most the time Spencer finished his work quickly; and would end up reading. Spencer didn’t venture out from his office that much at all, (he always brought his own coffee so he didn’t have to worry about bugging the field agents.) the exception to leaving his office was to go across the hall to Penelope Garcia, his only sort of friend that he had at work. She was always so bubbly, it was a breath of relief for him to go see her- she reminded him of all the positive things, he definitely couldn’t do the job without her.

Not to mention, she had to train him from starting point zero. Spencer hated technology, after all. So he never made an effort to learn coding, hacking, how to re-route and track things. He knew nothing like that, hell, he struggles with his cellphone turning on sometimes.

Thankfully, she was able to get some sense into him, and he was pretty good at what he could do. Though he was still working out python coding, he was enjoying the learning process of using technology.

That being said- he still despises technology, and he hopes that once he leaves the job, he can throw away his very unnecessary but work mandated laptop.

~

Spencer made his way into the bureau building, messenger bag slung over his shoulder awkwardly as a thermos of coffee was held tightly in his right hand, while the left one reached for the door handle to enter. He got in no problem, security didn’t stop him anymore, thankfully. Though in the beginning, they did check him constantly, verifying that he belonged there. After all, he looked young, and he definitely didn’t belong in the bureau building. But then again, Garcia didn’t look like she belonged there either.

Security just made presumptions about people, he shrugged that thought off as he made his way to the elevator. Thankfully no one else was in there, he pressed the button for floor six, and the elevator doors shut.

The elevator whirred to life, taking him up to the sixth floor slowly. Thankfully today was a slow day, there wasn’t really any important case he had to work on. (Not like he ever really got given cases to work on, anyways.) So Spencer was hoping he would be able to finish his work quickly, as he had some books he brought with him that he wanted to read and re-read before the day was finished.

The elevator dinged, a signal it had reached its necessary location, before the doors finally slid back. He stepped out, taking his usual left down the hallway immediately. Forward through the glass doors was the bullpen with the agents who worked in the BAU. And god, what he wouldn’t give to be a field agent, working as a profiler. That’s why he wanted to join the bureau, and yet he was so close- his office only down the hall. But he was simultaneously so far, not being trusted by all the bureaucratic bosses, who didn’t know if he would be a good agent to warrant being put out into the field.

He hated it, but he tried not to think about it as he reached his office, Garcia’s door was shut, she was on vacation, or so he had heard. Spencer pulled on his office door, entering with ease as he moved into the cramped workspace.

Spencer sat his messenger bag down onto his desk, sitting himself down in his office chair and taking a minute to breathe in and out before continuing. Spencer hated this job. It was mind numbingly boring, he was so close to quitting. He knew the bureau would fight tooth and nail to keep him, however, but if that was the case, why not give him a better job- he didn’t want a nicer office, he wanted to help people.

He sighed, today was just one of those days where he was extra mad about not being treated right, he tried to ignore this thought process as he got ready to work; setting his coffee down by his computer mouse to his right, setting his messenger bag onto the floor next to him, pulling off the scarf that was wrapped loosely around his neck and hanging it over the back of his chair. Now he was ready for the day.

~

Penelope didn’t mean to forget to tell the team that she was going to be gone- she assumed they knew. At least Hotch did, all the rest of them knew was that she was going to take a week off to relax, they just didn’t know when (she had too many vacation days saved up, so she had to use them or lose them. She chose the former.) It was just a total brain fart moment on her part, so while she decided to hit up her favorite stores, spas, and websites; the team had no idea, they assumed she was holed up in her office, hacking away at whatever she normally does.

This would only show itself when Derek needed her, calling her office number and it going to voicemail “Hi, this is Penelope Garcia with the FBI and I’m too awesome to come to the phone right now, if it’s an urgent matter please call Aaron Hotchner-“ yeah, Derek hung up his phone by then, deciding to call her personal cell.

“Hi, hot chocolate!” She answered cheerfully, the sounds of people talking and laughing could be heard in the background, which Derek took note of. “Babygirl- your work phone sent me to voicemail, where are you?” Garcia was quiet for a second, before practically blowing Morgan’s eardrums out; “Oh- damnit! I knew I was forgetting something!” “Care to fill me in?” He asked her curiously, “Yes-“ Garcia sighed before continuing on, “Sorry. I’m taking those vacation days Hotch told me I had to use or else I’d lose.”

“So you’re not at the office.” He stated, “That I am not, I’m sorry I forgot to tell you! But my pal Spencer Reid should be covering for me.” “Spencer Reid?” Derek asked, unfamiliar with that person, “Why not kevin?” “Ugh, I don’t know- he’s doing that thing where he’s actually busy with other work for once. But Spencer is good, I taught him everything he knows- and I’m pretty sure he’s got three PhDs, so yeah, you replaced one genius with another- so don’t worry!” “Okay, well...” Derek took a second, “You sure I can ask Spencer about everything I’d ask you?” He meant work related, within being able to hack and get everything that Garcia would be able to get. Because Morgan knew that her talents were very special, and having someone else replicate them seemed near impossible, so he was a bit hesitant to trust someone new.

“Oh yeah- he’ll find everything easy peasy lemon squeezy. Don’t worry yourself, sugar.” “Okay, thank you mama. Have a good week of rest.” “I will! I have an appointment for a spa, and oh my god Derek- they do a seaweed wrap thing, isn’t that crazy?” “So you’re gonna get rolled up like sushi?” “No! Ew! Don’t compare me to raw fish!”

The phone call continued for a bit after that, as Derek wasn’t in an urgent matter. It was just a filing day at the office, before he hung up he asked where Spencer was, though; “Oh, he’s in the office next to mine, across the hall!” Garcia told him happily. Derek had thought that was a storage closet, but he didn’t tell her- instead thanking her and hanging up.

Now to pay this mystery computer whiz a visit.

~

Spencer was in the middle of re-routing a bunch of information that Garcia needed to send to her boss, Aaron Hotchner. Spencer didn’t share the same boss, since he was technically working in a more basic division of the bureau, he instead answered to Strauss- which was a royal pain in the ass, but he always turned his work in on time, came in when needed, he had never had to face her wrath yet, thankfully.

Spencer typed away, trying to get all the data to get to Hotchner as quickly as possible so he didn’t have to wait, though it wasn’t crucial the work did get completed right now. Spencer just liked to get things done.

A knock sounded Spencer out of his methodical typing, it wasn’t Garcia, obviously. And he knew Kevin was in a meeting right now with some IT people over his keyboard acting funky (Kevin could fix it by himself, but office administration forced him into talking to IT.)

“Yes?” Spencer asked curiously, turning around in his office chair, because he had no clue who it was that could be interrupting his work. The door pushed open, revealing a tall, classically handsome, muscular man carrying some files in his hands. Fuck, that would be Spencer’s luck. An attractive guy swooping in and making his IQ of one hundred and eighty seven go down to sixty in two second flat

“Hi- you Spencer?” The man asked, stepping forward into the cramped office. Spencer stood up instinctively, “Yes, I am. How can I help you?” The man handed the files over awkwardly, “I’m sorry, I usually ask Penelope Garcia for this but she’s on vacation and she referred me to you- I just need these put through VICAP, I’m not too familiar with the system as a whole, ‘cause Garcia usually handles it.”

Spencer nodded, taking the files and looking through them briefly, there were nine of them. “I’m sorry, I know that’s a lot of work to do... I’m sure I can figure it out myself-“ Derek started, doing his best to apologize. Little did he know Spencer could get this done within an hour or so.

“Oh no- not a problem at all, this should only take me about an hour, two at most, but that’s a generous estimate.” Derek raised his eyebrows, “An hour or two? Garcia usually finishes up this many files within three or four. How are you able to get this done faster than her?”

“I have an eidetic memory, which helps me recall anything that I read. I can read these files once and put all the information into VICAP knowing it’s accuracy is one hundred percent without having to double check, that cuts down my speed by half per case file.”

Derek looked confused and shocked. Yeah, Spencer could understand why. “Sorry, um. That’s a weird explanation, but it shouldn’t take me as long. I’m assuming you’re out in the bullpen?” Spencer asked him, putting the files down atop his keyboard.

“Yeah, I’m Derek Morgan with the BAU.” Derek finally introduced himself, reaching his hand out. Shit, this was Derek Morgan? Garcia has mentioned him a few times to Spencer, saying he’d love him “oh he’s so handsome, but so sweet and loving, like the hottest man on earth- I’d marry him in a heartbeat, but we don’t roll like that, Y’know?” That’s how she described him once, and of course Spencer remembered that word for word. Spencer felt like it was just his luck, that his only work colleague was best friends with a man so attractive that his mind isn’t working fully.

Not to mention he was in the BAU, Spencer guessed he was, since Garcia was their technical analyst. But still, it would be just his luck to know this insanely attractive man was part of the team he wanted to belong to so bad. Spencer wasn’t sure how to respond as he kept his composure. After all, yeah, Derek was attractive. But they probably wouldn’t speak again after this exchange. It wasn’t worth Spencer thinking about him, or how Garcia described him.

“I’m sorry, I don’t shake. But it’s nice to meet you, I’ll find you once I’m done. If you need anymore help, feel free to let me know.” Spencer told him, looking back at the files on his desk as a distraction away from this hot guy that was just standing so calmly in his office, as if Spencer ever had any visitors into the cramped space besides Garcia and Kevin.

By the time spencer looked back up, Derek’s arm was back down by his side. “Okay, thank you.”

~

Derek was surprised by their exchange, to say the least. How did he not know about this genius before? How was he not more well known, a memory thing, three PhD’s- that would be a useful asset? How come he was hidden away in a closet sized office? He had to know more. Even if it was nosy and stupid.

Normally, he’d call Garcia and ask her if it was about an employee. But in this case, he couldn’t. And he couldn’t go to Spencer, that would be weird.

So, he did the next best thing. He asked Hotch.

~

He knocked slowly on Hotchner’s door, hoping he wasn’t going to tell him to mind his business and not ask about employee facts when they definitely were irrelevant.

Derek was smart though, he figured out a foolproof way to play this. So when Hotch said, “Yes?” He came in, starting his plan into motion.

“Hotch, where’s Garcia?” He asked him, as if Derek hadn’t immediately checked up on his babygirl when he couldn’t find her. “Oh,” Hotch started, setting a file down that he had been looking over, “She took some vacation time.”

“So, who am I supposed to go to for computer help?” Derek asked, “Well,” Hotchner started, matter of factly, while he reached for a thin, unopened file on his desk. “We have a new guy helping us. Kevin’s busy with helping the child abduction unit reset their computers, as well as he’s in an IT meeting right now, so we have..” Hotch stopped, looking down to read the name off the file; “Doctor Spencer Reid. I’m sure he’ll be just as good.”

“Hotch. No ones as good as Garcia.” Derek pointed out, Hotch shrugged. “Maybe not. But this guy has a glowing personal history- and Garcia told me she taught him everything he knows.”

“What’s his personal history?” Derek asked curiously, stepping a bit closer but still trying to play nonchalance. “You know I’m not able to disclose that. You can go ask him for yourself.” Derek sighed. Of course Hotch wasn’t gonna tell him shit. He should’ve expected this. But sue him, call him hopeful. He was hoping he could’ve gotten some information on this mysterious doctor.

~

Derek made his defeated way back to his desk in the bullpen. And Emily, whose desk was directly across from his, immediately noticed his slight annoyance at Hotch. So she asked in a hushed voice as soon as he sat down;

“Did you get yelled at by Hotch?” Because in her mind, that was the most logical explanation that made the most sense. Derek just shook his head as a response, “No,” he clarified, “I was asking about our Garcia fill-in, and Hotch wouldn’t tell me anything.”

“Garcia fill-in? She’s gone?” Emily asked confusedly looking back to the hallway that led to Penelope’s office, as if she’d magically appear. “Yeah, but just for the week.” Derek explained, “She’s using those vacation days she had saved up. And Kevin isn’t our standby, ‘cause he’s busy. Instead it’s some new guy.”

“Who?” Prentiss asked, this time she was curious. And as if on cue, Dr. Spencer Reid came through the glass doors, and into the bullpen, carrying Morgan’s stack of files.

“Him.” Morgan pointed back simply as a response as he waved Spencer over.

~

To say Spencer felt out of his element by being in the BAU bullpen was an understatement, he felt like a fish out of water. Like he was suffocating and everything around him was too much.

He purposely avoided the bullpen, first reason being because he didn’t have any work with the BAU. But the second reason was he knew if he stepped in, he’d be more upset that he couldn’t be on the team. And the last thing he wanted to do was make his job worse for himself.

But, this experience was an outlier. And though Spencer can remember almost anything and everything, he planned on doing his best to purposely forget all of this. Every last detail.

He wasn’t going to let himself remember how there were field agents with real life guns holstered at their sides, how they were all sitting casually, looking over cases and drinking coffee, how they had the title of SSA (he only had SA, which he still was bitter about.), and then how at a moments notice they could fly away in a jet. How astonishing their work is, how jealous he is.

But Spencer entered through the glass doors nonetheless, looking around quickly before seeing Derek wave him over. Derek was sat at his desk, talking to a woman whose head was turned away from Spencer, all he could see was that she was his desk mate, and that she had black hair.

Spencer made his way over at a brisk pace, he just needed to get in and out. If he stayed for too long, he’d let himself remember to much.

“Hey, I- I got these into VICAP no problem,“ Spencer started as he handed Derek the case files, “But I noticed some errors on the date stamping on when you found the unsub so I corrected it myself, I hope you don’t mind.”

Derek shook his head casually, “Not a problem at all, I have a habit of messing that up. Thanks doc.” Fuck, ‘doc’? Spencer hadn’t been called ‘doctor’ in months, let alone ‘doc’. This was turning into a tailspin moment for him as he smiled awkwardly, feeling a blush rising to his face, he wasn’t sure what else to do. But he wanted to get out of there.

Thankfully, the woman with black hair introduced herself, as once he had rounded the corner to see Derek, he also saw her face. She was pretty, and had bangs. “Hi, I don’t think we’ve met. I’m Emily Prentiss.” She reached her hand over to shake Reid’s expectantly, “Oh I-“ Reid started, hands down at his sides, he wasn’t going to move them.

“He doesn’t shake, Prentiss.” Derek explained casually, “Oh,” Emily said, dropping her hand down, “Sorry! It’s still good to meet you, though. So I hear you’re covering for Garcia?” She asked Spencer, who nodded as he pushed a piece of hair back behind his ear.

“Yeah she’s taking vacation time, and Kevin is currently busy with helping the child abduction unit. So I’ll be you technical analyst for the next week or so.”

“I’m sorry, but how long have you been with the bureau? You look really young. I don’t mean to be rude I’m just-“ “You’re really asking him the rudest possible question, though, huh?” Derek joked to her, and she just smacked him on the arm lightly before turning her attention back to Spencer.

“No you’re fine to ask I- um, I’ve been with the bureau a year and a half, but originally I was on the domestic terrorism field unit.” He explained shortly, he didn’t wanna go into how he got on the bureau to begin with, or how he left the domestic terrorism unit. All he wanted to do was have this conversation end, or else it would just be that much harder to forget.

“Domestic terrorism? So how do you end up doing technical analyst work?” Derek butted in curiously, up until now it has been Prentiss asking all the questions.

Spencer stayed quiet for a moment, before finally responding, “If you need anything else, my office is next to Garcia’s. It’s been nice meeting you, Emily.” All he gave to Derek was a curt nod before walking out at the brisk pace he had entered with.

~

“Wow, well you fucked that up.” Prentiss spoke to Derek once she saw Spencer exiting through the glass doors, and turning down the hallway.

He sighed and rolled his eyes at her, “I’m just curious about him, can you blame me?” Emily just chuckled softly in return, shaking her head as she turned her chair around to face him more head on.

“Are you curious about him because he’s cute, or because he’s replacing Garcia for the week?” Derek blinked at her in surprise; “I never said he was cute.” He protested, more confused than anything else.

“You didn’t say it, but your body language did. You think he’s cute. You called him ‘doc’ and he almost blushed, and I have a feeling you’re gonna try and call him ‘doc’ again to see that same result- and you watched him the entire time, even if I was talking.”

“You think random bureau agents are cute all the time, what’s it matter?” Derek rebutted, trying to deflect and ignore, because Prentiss wasn’t making sense. Derek wasn’t attracted to Spencer, he didn’t think he was cute. Spencer’s level of attractiveness had nothing to do with his curiosity.

Derek did have a right to be curious for other reasons, anyways. This guy was replacing Garcia for a bit. It made sense Derek would wanna know more about the guy, even if he was or wasn’t attractive.

“Yeah, I find agents cute. But I don’t go asking Hotch about them.” Prentiss said with a smirk, Derek just shot her a glare. “I asked Hotch because he’s replacing Garcia. And I’ve not heard of the guy before.”

“Whatever you say, man.” Was all Emily replied with as she turned back to her work, Derek just rolled his eyes at her again before turning to his own computer.

Okay, so he knew Spencer was in domestic terrorism. It couldn’t hurt to just search it up, right? It wasn’t anything classified, he’d be able to see it, Derek hoped. He wasn’t meaning to be nosy, but he was just so curious and confused. He just had to know more.

———————————————————————

Mercy Me - Part Two

PART ONE

Summary: Jacqueline Laymore can’t really tell when it started to hurt to call Spencer her friend. But that didn’t really matter after she got kidnapped. Right now all that matters is getting home and getting Spencer Reid.

Warnings: Dissociation, PTSD trigger, slight wlw moments if you squint, the word hippie? (idk if people find it offensive bc i feel like it could be but im not sure but better safe than sorry right?)

Word Count: 1k i think

A/N: i have no concept of time or how hitchhiking really works. bone apple tea 😎

Surprisingly, it was pretty easy to find a person willing to let Jacqueline catch a ride. She sat on the side of the road with her thumb sticking out and after the first four cars, a salmon Volkswagen van pulled onto the shoulder.

A girl poked her head out of the window. She had a medium complexion with ambiguous features. What stuck out the most was her rich brown hair and eyes, the curly hair was left natural, bound into a loose ponytail by a bandana. “Where are ya headed, Darlin’?” The thick Georgian accent caught Jacqueline off guard. But it reminded her of her friend JJ’s husband, Will.

“Uh… DC?” Jacqueline called out, the back of her neck was beginning to burn, and right now, the person driving a van probably won’t kill her.

The girl’s face lit up and Jacqueline noticed that she had pink braces. “I’m goin’ there too! Hop in Doll, it’s not like I’m a serial killer or anything!” Jacqueline stopped walking to the side of the can. Her body looked almost posed with her hand reaching out for the door handle.

“That’s exactly what a serial killer would say.” Jacqueline knew that it was irrational, thinking that way. That the girl with the hot pink blush didn’t really seem like the murdering type but, maybe it was the job, maybe the trauma, she can’t bring herself to fully trust her.

The girl feigned hurt, “Okay then. My name ‘s Gertrude, but you can call me Trudy pretty lil’ thang, Grayhiker. I’m twenty-three and I am currently driving back to DC so I can finish up my degree.” The girl stuck her arm out the window of the car and grinned down at Jacqueline. She looked nineteen, it was almost amazing Trudy was even able to drink.

“My name is uh Jacqueline Laymore, you can call me Jacqie I guess.” Jacqueline's fist-bumped Trudy’s open hand awkwardly, “I need to get back to DC for my job.”

Jacqueline opened the car door and stepped inside. The inside of the van looked like the 60’s vomited in it. It was extremely colorful and the walls were plastered with ‘hippie’ bands. There was also a dreamcatcher dangling before a window. Jacqueline wondered if it was authentic or not, by the looks of Trudy’s personality she would assume so. Trudy patted the passenger’s seat and Jacqueline crawled over the console and situated herself in the seat.

“If ya’ don't mind me askin’, what’s your job?” Trudy smiled at Jacqueline as she started driving again. Jacqueline hurriedly buckled her seatbelt and uncomfortably dragged her nails along the fabric of her pants. “I work for the Behavioral Analysis Unit. I’m actually a licensed psychologist.” A piece of her bangs started irritating Jacqueline’s right eye and she rubbed at it harshly.

Trudy looked over to Jacqueline and giggled, “You have gorgeous eyes, Babes. Very exotic looking with the one blue and the other brown. You look far too young to be a psychologist though. Isn’t it a little coinkydink that I’m studying for my doctorate and you’re already a psychologist?”

Jacqueline found herself at a loss for words, it’s not that people didn’t compliment her eyes — they did, a lot — but the genuine compliment was something new to her. Most people just think it’s cool that her eyes are different colors, and others think she’s a freak. All of the people at work just pitied her for her eye colors due to the relentless animosity from her hometown regarding her eyes.

“I’m only thirty-one. I went to college a little early. How is your degree going?” Jacqueline’s eyes follow Trudy’s profile and gauge her microexpressions.

Trudy turned to Jacqueline for a second and smiled and Jacqueline’s heart skipped a beat. “Thirty-one? You don’t look a day over eighteen!” Jacqueline mumbled thanks before looking out of her window. The blush covering her cheeks started flowing to her ears and by now Trudy must have noticed.

There are eight years between the two and Trudy is trying to make a move on Jacqueline. While Jacqueline has no problem with girls and stuff like that, the idea of being intimate with anyone at that moment would be the equivalent of eating salt and vinegar chips after biting your lips.

Jacqueline happened to love salt and vinegar chips, but at that moment, literally anything else seemed like the better option.

No one needs the baggage that came with Jacqueline Laymore.

“Angel? Are you doing alright?” Trudy asked. Jacqueline didn’t pay attention to anything past that because her eyes kept going in and out of focus. Eventually, the world just faded to nothingness, though Jacqueline could feel herself moving.

Her state of mind was brought back to the present when Trudy set a warm hand on Jacqueline's shoulder. “Jacqie? Are you alright?”

Jacqueline realized she was dissociating. The name ‘angel’ must have triggered her. Gabriel always called her, ‘his angel.’ “How long was I out of it?”

“You were dissociating, right? Did I trigger your PTSD or something?” Trudy’s eyes were moving from the road to Jacqueline so fast, Jacqueline thought they might roll out of her head. Jacqueline nodded. “Only a few minutes. Are you alright?” Jacqueline nodded again before leaning her head onto her hand. The countryside was passing her by and all she could think about was Gabriel’s voice.

Everything felt like she was underwater. Jacqueline always used to tell Spencer that everything bad that’s happened to her started with a bath. So far, it was true. The feeling of submerging your head underwater and being able to hear the pipelines. It was nostalgic for Jacqueline. Not the good nostalgic. Just because it was a simpler time for her didn’t mean it was a better one. The van kept driving along. 

The two girls knew they were in for a long drive west so Trudy started turning up the volume on her radio. It got to the point where Jacqueline couldn’t think past the music and the two started singing and dancing along to it. Trudy seemed to really enjoy how Jacqueline was reacting to the songs so Jacqueline started singing louder. Always the people pleaser.

At some point, Trudy stopped and pulled into a McDonald’s drive-thru.

“What do you want Jacq?” Trudy asked.

“Can I have a cheeseburger and fries with a coke? I can pay you back.” Jacqueline fished out Gabriel’s wallet and pulled out ten dollars to give to Trudy. Trudy took the money as she pulled up to the next window.

Once their food comes they eat as they continue to drive west. Theatrically, they drove into the sunset.

persona characters autism headcanons!

hi im autistic and i started my day with sun so now im !!!!!!!!! some of these headcanons are from elsewhere on tumbr, but i dont know where :(((  so i am hoping someone out there knows that n that everybody knows that i love them <3

(also go check out mollypaup and i think hypeswap if you havent already! they post some good stuff autism+adhd hc too!!! i think.. oh! and thieves-in-the-palace!!!)

P5

Joker

there was some artwork from someone on tublr..where they pointed out that he doesnt really talk outside the metaverse so--hes hyperverbal as joker and just near nonverbal as akiren

he stims ALL THE TIME. that phone thing, the pencil thing, the little tappy tap of his foot, pulling at his bangs when hes embarrassed/smug. someone get him a fidget spinner. he’ll prob learn to do tricks with it

he probably sucks at focusing in class, like i know its just the game design but hes always surprised out of his daily “star out the window at the nearby office building” when his teachers ask him questions

mona mentions when the pt is at Wilton for the first time (after they run into shido) that joker eats like shit, and that could have multiple causes at the start of the story of course, but when i first played i thought that joker was a picky eater and that the variety (and amount of food) at the buffet would be an Ordeal...

tho mona makes that comment bc joker looked pale after having a little ptsd moment from shidos voice, but i didnt know that the first time i played

maybe when joker makes a face at ryuji putting so much ginger in his gyudon? joker probably does not like pickled ginger lol

his favortive foods are all spicy, which is why the curry he makes for his friends is always ‘overly spicy’, and why kasumi makes him a curry bento and joker kept going “...?” .... “....?!”

overly reflective glasses have been a great plus for him bc now he never has to make real eye contact every again!

mona Soft. play with Ann hair. maybe Braid. nice

puns (Gorou the Goroumet)

he has so many options to be straight up rude sometimes in game. he probably no clue on his own, which is why he defaults to Not Talking. people probably mention his constant scary face, which is just him being nonexpressive, squinting at all the fucking bright lights, and Tired

executive function who? we do everything last minute folks

high pain tolerance, which is why he was the kid that was always climbing trees in elementary school to get basketballs unstuck from the branches

his sixth sense lets him see treasure and possible places to climb/crawl bc 1. Shiny? Steal it. Steal it Now. and 2. Could i fit in that? Time to Find Out

probalby a bit of a klepto too oops. he’ll return it tho!! but he has to do it dramatically or he’ll die

cant sit properly to save his life

smells and touch are Great, they can keep him grounded when his brain goes off to police or dead rivals or guilt or

if a friend hung out with him and gave him total reigns of the agenda, he would choose to nap on the floor while his friend does something off to the side quietly

hyperfocuses on handy tasks (i.e. lockpicks, coffee brewing, cleaning, his part time jobs) and some things like movies and books. everything else is a tossup

his (normal) navigation app is his most used app bc he still doesnt know where hes going, even though he only goes to the same few places in the city

hates being sweaty, literally cannot stand it. probably double exhausted during the summer

but Needs Compression so hes often Struggling

Futaba

paraphrase from p5d “i have no motor skills so i cant play rhythm games :(” need i say more? (i will regardless)

echolalia all the time, from anime, memes, the PT

those headphones she wears all the time? noise cancelling ear protectors babey

only talks about her interests, “normal” talking is Not Easy, but she is still communicative w others despite her worries. shes not “hard to understand” at all but she feels the anxiety nonetheless

only talks informally, cannot talk ‘politely’ with out imitating someone around her

shes had meltdowns and anxiety attacks in game :( i relate so hard

Technology. thats it

def had an egypt phase that pops up every few months. probably came from yu-gi-oh

has Immune to Bright Lights buff.  joker is very jealous

“Time to make like a tree and leave!” and 30 other iterations

video game metaphors are the only ones that makes sense to her

probably relates hard to robot characters in anime for their general androgyny and confusion about human emotions and connections

probably gets told that shes “too smart to be on the spectrum” by teachers >:( she fails their classes on purpose

wakaba’s autistic too that just how it is

the Connection that she establishes with Joker is so Warm. my life goals include adopting an older brother like futaba has lsdkfjslkfj

also eater of 5 foods only, i mean, she brings cup ramen to the beach. i just really admire her...

hides in small spaces for comfort

doesnt she have like uhhhhh hyperthymesia or something like that?

Yusuke

art

his entire social link is learning how humans work, which i relate

talks seriously all the time

“sarcasm? who is that? are you saying I was sarcastic?...how?”

cant remember to take care of his body, and madarame did not help with that either

lot of uncomfortable staring, hes overdoing the eye contact thingy

infodumps all the time, doesnt know hes doing it

needs a lot of support even if he doesnt think he deserves it. no one ever complains about helping him out tho

visual stims my friends

he didnt know that you could look up pictures on the internet but he does know you can stream live videos of waterfalls and fluffy animales!!

I am certainly in the mood

for something salty today.

he and joker are scared of math. numbers do not interact

Yusuke, futaba, and akiren are a trio and i know this bc their first day of non-thievery interacts is Akiren clearing Futabas room w/o permission, futaba hyperfocusing on destroying medjed, and yusuke rearranging futabas figurines so they are more visually appealing

morgana is a support friend for all of them bc igor knows they need it

P4

Souji/Yu

yes, he mostly wears gray semi formal clothes bc parents tell him to, no, he will not changes this

Schedule or Death

“sorry, could you repeat that?” “huh? oh yeah, i was saying that--” “yeah that’d be cool.”

cats, fishing, he just likes to be quiet. you can literally spend a day at the beach just to think if you want, and that is what yu want

has a lot of scripts for things (of which he shares with nanako!) but if he runs out he just stops talking..

inaba is a godsend bc its so fucking quiet and warm

he Yearns to hold his friends hands, but he shies away from a lot of touch (excepting yosuke, teddie, and nanako)

Cooking and Cleaning makes the world better. he and joker vibe together with this

unlike akiren, he strong arms any executive dysfunction into Be Productive or Else. his punishment is feeling the pure anxiety of having to make up for ‘lost time’. (another symptom of his workaholic parents)

writes everything down, notes are very neat, has pages dedicated for bad doodles when hes not feeling his usual Super Classroom Focus

Cannot handle secondhand embarrassment (most often caused by yosuke) and will quietly slip away to random cats or origami folding

hungry, crunch crunch folks. probably needs chewelry bc he used to chew on his shirt collars when he was younger.

cleans up after everyone in the food court, constantly worries about them accidently hurting themselves. likely spends half of group conversations watching peoples hands

he canonically eats expired food, nanako plz help your brother

really clumsy, but people only notice after they decide that he is a cool person

video games are too chaotic for him

exhausted every night from the pure amount of masking he does, if a friend spends the night (or is like yosuke) they will know his more comfortable weirdo self (tho everyone knows hes a weirdo eventually)

hyperempathetic, sometimes just understands animals and children better than peeople his age or older

Yukiko

her jokes

she and souji get in ‘trouble’ together, she and joker commit crimes together

she and chie have to coordinate outfits, its important

actually understands metaphors, but does not understand people

like me, had no clue that creepy kid was flirting with her

she is very angry when she has meltdowns that might involve slamming doors and shouting. her parents call these ‘tantrums’ and ‘unfitting for a polite daughter’ but really thats because her meltdowns tend to be caused by arguments w her family after a long day of school and TV world traipsing

the metronome meme, except hers goes between Loudest Person in the Room to Quietest Pin Drop in the Planet. she is completely unaware of this

her atmosphere brightens when chie appears. that is not only the lesbian energy within her, but also because chie is like her Favorite Person

Cannot wear Pants. No (tho she wants to try it! but she puts them on and her soul instantly squashes)

happy flappy lesbian! watch out!

Naoto

the pouty face. all the time lskdfjlasdkf

hes really snappy sometimes and i love that for him. he and akechi should fight just to see what would happen (please read Bang Bang Shoot Shoot on AO3)

“do not touch me or my hat, thank you”

no one has ever seen him shutdown and no one ever will (except for his grandpa)(and kanji)(and rise)

probably likes certain food textures and will stand for nothing less, probably feels embarrassed about his preferences with friends

constantly jumps between ‘everybody hates me so i should act like them so they dont hate me’ to ‘i refuse to be anything but very comfortable as myself, and i dont care that im making you upset sir’

he and souji are the king and queen of subtle stims, but for unhappy reasons :(

does not make jokes. cannot joke around. understand? yes, do? no.

loose clothes are the only good clothes, but all tags and obtrusive seams will be obliterated by kanji tatsumi

not very empathetic so he probably comes off as an asshole to strangers (like when he throws away his classmates confession letters without reading them) but he tries so hard to sound comforting when his buds are struggling.

his understanding of others emotions/reactions come from his learning as a detective, which seems cold+clinical to others, especially compared to souji, whos completely unexpressive but very introverted people person

P3

Hamuko/Minako/Kotone

big personality!! very people-oriented!! koromaru and her are buddies!! when shes having a real bad time, shes very quiet and expressions turn off

interrupts herself in the middle of conversations all the time. no one knows where shes coming from. her brains is thousands of km ahead of her body

bouncey legs, swingin arms, twirlly skirt, little somersaults! when will she stop? never!

very obvious music stims with her hands and arms! people are like “oh there she goes! happy as usual!” shes listening to minatos heavy metal playlist

switches from exhausted to excited within milliseconds. no one can predict, not even her

SEES has to ask her for context all the time cuz she’ll just continue shit from 2 weeks ago without warning

professionals will assume shes very childish bc of how chipper she is, but she is beyond mature for her age and only feels comfortable enough to have serious conversations if a person has proved themself able to handle it

collects every little thing. her room is a mess and she has to get rid of most of it every time she moves :(

hates cleaning! smells bad, feels bad hhhhhgggg

dont let mitsuru-senpai see her bedroom

gets lost in the middle of conversations with others bc shes thinking about a story connected to one(1) word that was said earlier

 no sense of time and place, she just sees her friends and goes “ah, this is the right place, then” but junpei and akihiko are also lost so now theyre all screwed

Minato/Makoto/Sakuya

no talkies, no walkies

his story in the movies is him literally learning how to function around people he cares for

doesnt get jokes, expressions, body language, empathy, subtlety, metaphors, physical contact, or eye contact. aigis is probably the only person he truly understands right away

he is still nice to people because he doesnt see a reason not to be, but also he has very limited energy so only his senpai and old people get his most polite-kindnesses

cannot describe feelings for the life of him. the team wont know hes injured or sick until hes passed out

everything is too loud, time to drown it out with my loud ass music

rocking and chewing stims, ryoji is the first person to point him out for these subtle stims (not accusingly of course, just general pure curiosity and love for the uniqueness of humanity)

likes to cover his face with whatever is available, lives like a bat in a dark dry cave

will wear anything that has pockets and his blue/gray/black palette

sleepy at all times bc he never has much energy

when he was younger he probably needed a lot of support, especially after his parents died, because he wouldnt communicate like a neurotypical and would shutdown for hours in the middle of school without warning. probably missed a lot of lessons and field trips out of pure overstimulation

eating at all times. no preference, just whatevers closest

his meltdowns probalby include humming whining noises and curling up in a ball, which makes people want to touch him, but that is the LAST thing he wants. put a blanket on him! play some music! do not talk and do not expect him to speak

aigis is the only person who can touch him normally bc her hands are cold and he likes cold

never nude, feels mmmmmmmmm without clothes and probalby wears a full robe in the hotsprings

will not do things that take more than one step w/o someone else walking him thru it, which Same

So i was just daydreaming of SW and fics & i was imagining two characters on opposites sides of light and dark both trying to turn each other bc they think they are right(don’t they all?). But i feel like sidious and maul and plenty of sith knew that they weren’t necessarily the ‘good’ guys, no matter their reason for why they ended up on the dark side. I think sidious knew he wasn’t a good person & was well aware of the ‘bad’ nature of the darkside and how it can corrupt a person entirely 1/

I think dooku was as well even though he thought he was doing the right thing & making change. Even Anakin knew in his own twisted mindset that despite why he turned, he wasn’t on the side of the good guys no matter their reason for why they ended up on the dark side.I think sidious knew he wasn’t a good person&was well aware of the ‘bad’ nature of the darkside and how it can corrupt a person entirely. I think dooku was as well even though he thought he was doing the right thing&making change.2/

But how would you convince someone that turned bc they thought they could keep it controlled. Revan himself turned thinking he could prevent the darkside from corrupting him entirely&we see how that turned out. What about people who just genuinely think that they are more free (they aren’t) on the darkside and just want to BE on the darkside and think that it’s not inherently bad. Bc some sith fics make it sound not that bad but we know that it actually really is very bad by nature ¾

I guess my question is how does someone who thinks they can have everything they want and not loose themselves, who is ruled by the dark side to the point of sith eyes, become convinced that going that far isn’t actually the right path to be on? 4/4 Sorry this is so long

Wow, anon, this is…a complicated question. (And off-topic, but daydreaming about SW fics totally got me through some horrible jobs a few years ago. Star Wars daydreaming ftw.)

For me, it comes down to what your definition of “light” (read, good) is. And I think either side, light or dark, taken too far to one extreme ends up wrapping back to the other, a kind of ouroboros. Too much light, as we saw with the Jedi, can lead to dark consequences. Too much dark, in a weird way, will lead to revolt, to a balancing. 

It’s thermodynamics, taken to a philosophical extent, where your variables seek equilibrium but there is only so much energy to share between them, as it cannot be created nor destroyed. 

But let’s extricate ourselves from such tangled webs, shall we, and take this analysis character by character. 

Sidious: Sidious is an unrepentant, manipulative bastard. I mean, the absolute worst, the whole shebang. I doubt there would be anyone who would have had the ability to pull him into the “Light,” just the ability to thwart his plans. Evil genius, psychopath, bereft of empathy, etc. Let’s just say Rey’s existence, at least from the first generation, was likely not an act of love. 

Dooku: Oh Dooku. My favorite bad guy is a lot more complicated. His motivations were idealistic and to some degree, justified. The Republic and the Jedi were failing certain underrepresented systems, the Republic bloated on corruption and the Jedi more and more backing themselves into a protective corner until they had no room left to move. His execution of the whole thing…well, that’s where his hubris (and nihilism) led him astray. And I still contend we see this darkening of Dooku between AotC and RotS, especially in TCW. The dark side won in Dooku, pulled him under its tide so perhaps by the time of RotS he just wasn’t able to see - or admit - Sidious’s plans for him. 

Now, would Dooku have been redeemed? Yes, but only under circumstances and I would say he would less be redeemed than returned to grey status. 

But what would possibly convince our resident iconoclast to renounce some of his ways? 

Or more, who?

Qui-gon or Obi-wan. Or both. Lineage is so important to Dooku, a man who felt the loss of his family, who felt he was alone in the universe, who, unlike Anakin, went out of his way to avoid close connections, to relieve everything of his past except his title and all the expectations that came with it. I mean, imagine that. You are raised a Jedi, taught to believe attachment is, if not bad, at least problematic. And then you leave that religious order to return to your homeworld where you inherit a title and presumably a million problems and identities and histories that come with said title. And Dooku knows none of these people but to rule them, but he does know the ones he has raised and the ones who they raised. Which leads me to believe that an alive Qui-gon (who, let’s face it, wouldn’t have been 100% light side) and/or a more convinced Obi-wan (who should have listened to Dooku on Geonosis but that is a whole other discussion because that was a Hail Mary by Dooku and the more I think about it, the more I believe it was a ballsy-as-ass move on his part) might have convinced him to realign himself.

Anakin: Ohhhh, Anakin. Anakin, who fell because he felt he had to, in order to save everyone he loved. Anakin, who was burdened with false expectation after a traumatic childhood. Anakin, who made so many bad choices and it’s both his fault and not his fault, a tragic combination of circumstance and proclivity. The thing is, we know Anakin is torn between the light and the dark, even after he turns. Anakin as Vader is kind of like the person who says, “Oh I ate 2 cookies, might as well eat the whole bag because nothing matters.” (Side note, I am a total supporter of eating the whole bag of cookies if that is the heart’s truest desire. Speaking as someone who has downed many bags of cookies in their lifetime.) Anyway, it’s the mindset that’s the problem. And Anakin does redeem himself in the end, when he finds something/someone to fight for and fight against and isn’t that so him, always fighting against something?

Look, dark side characterizations are fun. But there’s always something else behind it, and it is a big deal to abandon your principles, your ideals, your health, your everything to this festering, opaque disease that lives in your deepest gut and at times takes the controls, much to your horror (except if you are Sidious, in which case, the horrible darkness is always at the controls and that is by design). I, personally, like to explore the darker sides of these characters but also the why - what made them fall, why are they hurting, and what is the fallout of their actions?

Yes, it’s easy to hate, to fear - I mean, we see this in the real world on an everyday basis. What’s less easy is to be alone, and I mean truly alone. And I think minus extreme examples like Sidious (who, let’s admit, created clones to cheat death and kept a vast amount of servants so even he was not ever truly alone). If I might get a little existential for a moment, what I like about Jedi philosophy (and in all seriousness, I had a major breakdown about this a few years back and Jedi philosophy, weirdly enough, was a large part in saving my sanity) is that we are never alone, that we are all part of the Force, of life, of the breath and heartbeat of the universe no matter what corporeal form we take or not. The Sith see themselves as alone, but as we can observe, so many of them are motivated by connection, could possibly be spurred to change by connection in the correct circumstances. 

And by this, I don’t mean the Jedi were 100% correct. I feel like the version of the Jedi we got by TCW had been pushed to some extremes due to the Ruusan Reformation (gdi, that had better get recanonized, asap, because it is a pivotal moment and a HUGE explanation of why the Jedi ended up as they were by the time the Prequels rolled around and it makes So Much Sense), the emergence of Dooku, the war, etc.) There is something to be said about the Grey Jedi, not that they necessarily embraced light and dark - but perhaps so - but that they did not fall to one extreme or the other. And this is where I feel Qui-gon succeeded over many other of his peers, despite his myriad of other personality flaws. Possibly this was why he was able to access the Whills and pass on what he had learned, to the point of where we see Yoda in TLJ, who is a lot more philosophical about everything than he had been in life. 

So to answer your question - there is no making someone turn back to the light, as much as there is any way of forcing a sentient being to do anything. Once can only pave the way and forge relationships, and the rest is up to that person. I think a lot of our Sith friends knew they were going down a dark path but also saw no alternative and felt a need to vindicate themselves, to strike out in anger against their circumstances. I get it, I think we all have that urge sometimes. And I suppose the answer might come in having something to fight for as opposed to fight against, as ridiculous as that sounds. 

But then again, I am but a simple lego floating around the internet. :)

Birds and Other Supernatural Phenomenons

Hiiii! This is… long. Probably the longest chapter I’m going to have, but it’s all only one scene and I just couldn’t cut it in half. Thank you for your comments! They make my whole week! Some of you pointed out a few mistakes in the last chapter, I hope it’s all good now! ^^ And please tell me if there are any weird sentences or typos or anything. Multiple people told me that the last chapter’s storm came very suddenly, so I re-read the sixth chapter and as it turns out, the sentence about the weather was lost in the editing. It all looked very dark and moody in my head, so I didn’t notice there was no description of it. Thank you for telling me, I’m definitely going to correct that.

(I think we should call this fic BaOSP in the future when we’re just talking about it in the comments or on Discord or just in general, bc this title is really long… The title and the tags will stay the same of course, it’s just that from now on, BaOSP is the official (???) shortened version of it.)

Damian meets Marinette, I REPEAT, DAMIAN MEETS MARINETTE.

Ch. 1    Previous    Masterpost    AO3 

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Ch. 8: Lord Annoyance

It was Monday night and Damian Wayne already hated the week.

Tim finally passed out on Saturday and did nothing but sleep all weekend, so on one hand, now he was capable of speaking in full sentences. On the other hand, all of his sentences were about the process of etching and nobody knew why, so it wasn’t any less problematic.

Dick came home with several holes in his shoe and refused to speak about it.

Jason didn’t eat anything but pork for a week straight and this morning he swore to go vegetarian.

Bruce was in the process of finding new hobbies - Tim said it was midlife crisis, Jason said the old man was finally going crazy and Cass was out of town, so she just yelled at them via video chat. Barbara and Steph laughing their asses off every time the topic came up didn’t help either, but after seeing the anvil in the living room while going to get breakfast, Damian was starting to agree with Jason.

On top of it all, some idiot under the name of Dark Nomad killed a chicken, painted obscene pictures on the walls of one of Bruce’s apartments with its blood, then for some reason, they stole some garden interior and part of the fence. Just fantastic.

And guess who had to track him down and arrest him? Robin. Because his family was a bunch of freaking sadists.

On top of it all, when he finally arrived on the rooftop where the petty villain was spotted two days in a row, the idiot wasn’t alone.

Robin landed quietly, hid behind a metal staircase leading the upper parts of the building and stopped to listen to the conversation going down between the two shadowy forms. He was already planning revenge in the back of his mind - it would’ve been ridiculously easy to poison at least two out of his three brothers. Not too badly but enough for them to have an unpleasant couple of days.

“Did you manage to sleep during the day, or should I be worried about you suddenly falling down from here because of exhaustion?” one of the forms asked flatly, a young girl sitting on the edge of the roof. She looked tiny compared to the Nomad sitting beside her, but she didn’t seem to be afraid at all. Her body language was taunting and open, her dark hair shimmered in the light coming from the streets below as she turned her head towards the boy. She had a slight French accent.

“Nah, I had double English in the afternoon, so I’m good,” the Nomad said, playing with a stray thread on his hoodie. “You?”

“I slept on the bus…” the girl started, trailing off. She tilted her head, concentrating on something. “Could you give me a minute?” she asked, standing up. For a moment, Damian felt relieved. She was already leaving.

Then she turned towards him.

She could’ve just heard something. She could’ve just checked out the area. It could’ve been a coincidence, but she was staring right at him, even though he was sure he wasn’t visible in the dark.

She walked towards his hiding place with no hesitation or fear. He was standing there motionlessly as she got closer. He studied her form, looking for weapons and weak points. She was wearing a warm cardigan with jeans and dark boots. He eyed her scarf and gloves suspiciously. It wasn’t that cold, but he didn’t see anything hidden in them.

Her red lipstick matched her scarf, her hair was tied into a loose braid coming forward at the side of her neck, dancing gracefully when a light breeze caught it. Her body language was still way too open and she foolishly grabbed the railing of the staircase before peeking behind it, leaving her torso even more vulnerable.

If he was ever planning on confronting her, he would’ve changed his mind after that. She was clearly harmless when it came to physical combat.

What the hell was she doing here, then?

“Can I help you?” she asked, looking at where his mask covered his eyes. Her voice was toneless and her accent was gone. Robin wondered if he was just imagining it earlier. Maybe he was too deep in his thoughts to pay attention.

It happened a lot nowadays. Him, getting lost in his thoughts and not paying attention. At first, it annoyed him - and scared the living daylight out of him, not as if he was about to tell that to anyone. Now he knew it was part of being human. It meant he was getting healthier, as Alfred put it. Making mistakes was part of life and he wanted to have a life, right?

Yes, he did.

Sometimes he looked at Bruce and his sorry brothers and realized that he already had a one. It made him feel weird. Happy, probably, but it was a new kind of happy. It made him want to smile at the most random times and help Alfred with chores. It made him have this… desire to go after Bruce when he disappeared to his garden to calm down, to bring home some donuts for Dick every time he passed that shop he liked, to take Jason to Disneyland on his birthday, to make Cass smile more often, to pull up the security footages from the Cave on his computer, so he could check on Tim without him knowing.

It was terrifying and he wouldn’t have changed it for anything in the world.

“Robin?” the girl asked impatiently. Damn, he zoned out. He cleared his throat, trying to find the right thing to say.

“Errm… do you realize you are sitting with a criminal?” Good job, Damian, your brothers would be proud. Why not ask her her favorite color too, maybe that will help. He was prepared to hear Jason’s amused words through the comms, but surprisingly, his brother stayed quiet.

“Are you concerned about my safety?” The girl narrowed her eyes.

He straightened his back and cleared his mind.

“Actually, I’m here to arrest the Dark Nomad,” he told her, trying to sound professional. Not as if it mattered anymore.

“Why?”

“Damaging private property, theft, and vandalism.”

“Could you elaborate? Picking flowers in a park could be considered all three of those.” Her voice was mocking now.

Damian stared at her. She was at least a head shorter than him, with no weapons. He was Robin. She was either incredibly dangerous or very stupid, and he had a hard time believing in the first scenario.

“He killed an animal, draw obscene pictures on the street with its blood, did damage that’s repairing will take hundreds of dollars, stole garden interior… should I continue?”

“When did he do all that?” the girl asked. She didn’t seem surprised at all.

“Why would I tell you?” frowned Robin. “I’m here to arrest him, that’s the only important thing.” Harmless or not, she was getting annoying.

“Well, you can’t legally make arrests given that you’re not a police officer, which means that you have absolutely no reason to be here. You might as well go home,” she explained simply. Her voice was toneless again, she spoke as if she was just stating facts, - which she did, after all.

Damian’s blood was starting to boil. Did the psychopaths roaming this city have a right to murder people? No. Did they have any right to hurt civilians? No. Was any of the things they did legal? No.

Who was this kid to come and tell him about rights, when his family seemed to be the only ones protecting them?

The girl was looking at him as if she was staring into his soul, then suddenly, she smirked.

“Not as if that would stop you,” she said, and Robin looked at her quizzically. “But I have a feeling that you’re after the wrong guy, so if you told me when he did all that, it would clear a few things.”

He was lost. What did this girl want? She was too weird to be stupid. She let the railing go now and was standing with her arms at her sides, her head slightly tilted.

“Today, between two and three AM,” he told her finally, curious about her reaction.

She stared right into his eyes, even though his mask was hiding them and said, “He was with me.”

Robin didn’t see anything about her body language betraying her, but she must’ve noticed he didn’t believe her because she continued.

“We were talking about Tamás Vekerdy and Bruno Bettelheim. They’re psychologists who often write about children. He arrived around midnight, and when he left it was already past five in the morning, so there is no way he could’ve done anything unless he has an evil twin.”

He scoffed angrily. When he spoke again, he was hissing the words from behind his clenched teeth.

“These things don’t take long. He might’ve just slipped away for a few minutes and came back, unless of course if you were in the same position for five hours.” He might’ve also growled a little. He was standing only inches from her now, looming over her.

“That’s not too hard to check, your Highness.” She cocked her head and held his gaze fearlessly. “Where did all this happen?”

He was about to bite back but he stopped abruptly.

Okay, so he might’ve been a little wrong. If the girl was telling the truth, the guy should’ve disappeared for at least one and a half hours to get to the scene from here. Not as if that meant anything, she could’ve easily lied. He just didn’t notice it.

A voice saved him from having to answer.

“Marinette? Is everything okay?” The Dark Nomad was walking towards them. When he noticed Robin, a terrified expression took over his confused one. He was about to go and stand between the girl and the vigilante when she lifted her arm to stop him, not moving her gaze away from Robin. The Nomad looked like a caged animal but didn’t try to fight her.

“Lord Annoyance here states that last night, you cloned yourself between The Book of Diaries and NurtureShock, and went to draw booties and steal a bunch of garden gnomes.”

The Nomad opened his mouth to say something but Robin beat him to it.

“Okay, so first of all, it wasn’t just "booties” and they were drawn with blood, which makes it considerably worse.“ Jason, who was listening to everything he said trough the comms the whole time, chose that moment to burst out laughing. He did his best to ignore him.

"Second of all, a lot of things were stolen, not just…” yep, that sentence was a bad idea, “Garden gnomes.”

“Why do you think he did it in the first place?” the girl, - Marinette cut back.

“It was private property. There was a camera.”

“Whose?”

He took a second to consider the possible fallback of the answer. The existence of Bruce Wayne wasn’t a secret. Neither was the fact that he owned multiple buildings around the city. Maybe it was going to scare the villain enough that he confesses.

“Bruce Wayne’s,” he said finally. The girl’s undisturbed expression made him feel uneasy. “Have you heard of him?”

“Oh, you mean that’s who the big ass tower in the middle of the city is named after? I thought it was the ship name of watery rain or way of pain or something.” Her words were dripping from sarcasm.

‘Who are you talking to? What did they say?’ asked Jason like an excited child but Damian once again ignored him.

“Well, I’m sorry, but his alibi is pretty shaky, you know. Villains can be very convincing here, in case you didn’t notice.” He didn’t think this guy could convince anyone, but it was possible.

“Yeah, his ski mask really makes me shake in fear,” Marinette said flatly.

The villain finally got a chance to say something but his moment didn’t last long.

“It’s not a-”

“Yes, it is. Shut up.” Marinette pinched the bridge of her nose. “He is wearing a hoodie and a mask ever since… birth, probably. How did anyone recognize him?”

“He left his signature,” Robin told her. He wasn’t even angry anymore, he was just very annoyed.

Marinette froze. She almost seemed to forget about Robin as she finally broke eye contact and turned around.

“You… have a signature?” she asked the Dark Nomad, who was still standing behind her, ready to jump at any moment.

He opened and closed his mouth a few times. It reminded Robin of a distressed duck.

“Kinda,” he said quietly.

“Why would you do that?” asked Marinette, gesticulating wildly.

“It’s part of the aesthetic, okay?” he explained with a hurt expression.

“Hey, I’m accusing you of a crime here!” reminded them Robin. This was taking way longer than he wanted it to.

Marinette once again turned to him, let out a deep breath and arranged her face into a more professional expression.

Finally.

“Right,” she started seriously. She gave him a second to compose himself, then continued. “Boobs.”

The Dark Nomad snorted, but Marinette just gave him an unimpressed look and let out an exasperated sigh.

“Okay, so tell Mr. Wayne, that he should be looking for another idiot because I was looking after this one at the time.”

Before he could answer, he heard Jason’s voice in his ear.

'There is a robbery going down at Chucko’s. I’m going in.’

Damian cursed quietly.

“Don’t. Wait for me. I’ll be there in two,” he told him, placing his fingers on the comm so the two people standing in front of him knew he wasn’t speaking to them.

“I have to go,” he told them quickly, then took off before they could do as much as blink.

***

Marinette ran after the vigilante but stopped at the edge of the roof. She saw a dark form jumping over rooftops. After a few seconds, it disappeared and relief rushed over her body.

She was way too tired to think about how she just got into an argument with one of Gotham’s heroes.

She closed her eyes and turned to go back to her room. She needed to sleep. A lot.

“You’re kinda terrifying when you’re sleep-deprived, did you know that?” said Jeremy, coming out from behind the metal staircase.

“I always am,” answered Marinette, still not opening her eyes.

“Do you mean terrifying or sleep-deprived?” asked Jeremy confusedly.

Marinette gave him a small wave, then climbed back to the hotel without a word.

________________

*Quiet chanting* comments, comments, comments

*Chanting intensifies* comMEnts, COMments, coMMENTS

*Thunder*

*The flattering of wings and the sounds of scared birds*

*Chanting* COMMENTS, COMMENTS, COMMENTS, COMMENTS

  Ch. 1    Previous   Masterpost    AO3

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@northernbluetongue @vgirl-10123 @theatreandcomicfreak @interobanginyourmom @crazylittlemunchkin @zerotosiki @worlds-tiniest-spook-pastry @my-name-is-michell @shreky-boi@coltaire @7-sage-7 @kris-pines04 @winter-gardenflower

hi - anon from before - pls excuse me bc i'm absolutely /sobbing/ at your response bruh. thank /you/ for answering so openly (just like Adrien! :0 ) I'm shook at the fact you started publishing from 14 to now, that's incredible!! can i ask what you published? :0 Also wow @ that characterization of Adrien towards the end, it really makes a lot of sense!! is there a difference between Adrien and Chat? Or are they similar but just show different amounts of certain feelings? :0

Oh, just poems and stories! I don’t want to show off lol they were achievements for sure but I’m sure you have something better to do than read about them :P And thank you, I have a lot of opinions about who Adrien is and how he does it. Onto Chat vs Adrien - I think inherently they are the same person, obviously, but Chat Noir lives without the same sort of ... suffocation, I guess? Being Adrien Agreste is work. That’s something that he carries with him every minute of every day - being an Agreste means that there are always cameras somewhere, and his every move is scrutinised. As much as Adrien likes to kick back and relax with his friends, and really does love and trust them very deeply (and god, he loves being called ‘dude’!), the role his friends play in Adrien’s life is actually very minor, by necessity (not by choice: he would always choose to hang out with those guys, sans the nights his father promises he’ll make it to dinner this time - this time). He is working. He has expectations to manage and a phone which is waiting to call him home at the drop of a hat when his father hasn’t quite managed to make this meeting, could he please stand in, or Adrien, there’s a charity event you need to attend, or Adrien, please turn another 13 degrees to the left so the cameras can get your smile properly while you talk to your friends. Adrien’s got a lot of very high expectations put on him which are inherently expectations, rather than goals - they are things he can fall short of or meet, but they are so high it is impossible to exceed them, so his options are disappointing his father or .... not disappointing him. 

Adrien really, really cares about his father. I think it’s underestimated, the turmoil that he goes through in Chat Blanc - since the disappearance of his mother his father really, truly changed, and Adrien really believes that that’s because Gabriel is trying to hold things together. He thinks his father has, essentially, fallen apart, and when has it ever been like Adrien to hold somebody’s turmoil and fear and sickness against them? His father is sick. He’s afraid of going outside, he’s afraid for Adrien so hard that it’s sometimes suffocating, and Adrien wants him to get better. Before he met Ladybug, Adrien Agreste needed to find something - some relationship - to anchor himself into, to strap himself onto and not let go of, and for him that relationship was his father’s. To Adrien, he and Gabriel are a team. The same sort of team Ladybug and Chat Noir are, the same sort of inherent and unbreakable bond that they have: he is inseperable from his father. Whatever this terrible grief is, whatever it has stolen from Gabriel, they are in it together. They are in it together and it is just Adrien’s turn to be the part of the team who does more work, and that is because Gabriel is self-destructing, and Adrien aches for his father to be better, more than he aches to be wanted. And besides, Adrien doesn’t do love like that (here’s a link to the fic exactly on that subject!). He doesn’t do it like his father needs to earn it, he has been loved like that before - like he could be loved if only he was good enough - and he would not wish that on his worst enemy, much less the people he loves. Gabriel does not owe him anything, to earn Adrien’s love. If the only way to express it - their partnership - is through the avenues of work that Gabriel opens up to him, asks him to do, then that’s what Adrien will do. He considers them a team. 

Chat Noir, meanwhile, has a different partner - a teammate who will play the game with him in equal parts, who often overtakes him because she is just amazing and dynamic and beautiful, who soars past him on gilded wings and takes his breath away. And then she turns back to offer him her hand, to pull him onward, because she loves him, and it has never in her entire life ever been a problem for Ladybug that she did not feel loved, that she did not know how to show people that they were wanted. She has never even hesitated to smile for people - especially Chat - or to support him when he’s down. She has been wildly, miraculously, crazily kind to him, and been open about her emotions, and accessible, and responsive, and amazing, and his best friend (sorry Nino) he’s ever had, the best friend he’s ever been lucky enough to meet. And you know his luck! She takes his breath away not just because she is kind and gentle and soft, where everybody else in his life has always been hard, but because she is basically a genius and she knows it, and she’s ridiculously impressive, and Adrien Agreste, my friends, is 100% the sort of guy who is turned on by girls who can kick his butt, that is the sort of thing he loves, not least because they don’t need him to be doing anything - they don’t need him in the charity event, they don’t need him to be on call, they don’t need him - but they want him. Ladybug wants him. And if she does need him, it’s only in equal parts to how often and how badly he needs her. She is so.... Anyway. Let’s not go on a long rant about what he loves about Ladybug, I do need to finish this response conceivably within the next several years. The key difference between Chat Noir and Adrien Agreste is that the people who they tie themselves into the world with either love him or they don’t, and Adrien feels like he must be doing something wrong (not being able to reach his father properly - he thinks he just hasn’t found the right path - he thinks they are a team and it is his job to reach him, and he hasn’t done it, yet, and it make him a bad teammate), though he is very quiet about his confusion, and he does what he is asked to do because he has very little alternative. Ladybug’s team... being on Ladybug’s team comes as easily as breathing. It makes him happy. It teaches him everything he needs to be taught about the world, about how love works, about what it is like when you are just - well - happy, and you don’t care if anybody is watching. That same thing can be said, increasingly, more and more often, of Adrien’s time he spends with his friends - Marinette and Kagami and Nino and Alya and Max and everybody - and in fact we have seen the influence of people who really love him leaking into his behaviour, as he is slowly departing from doing every single thing his father ever asks from him, as he sneaks off to London (from which he was, I remind you, once banned, even though he could have gone to his uncle’s funeral) with nary a glance behind him, with this breathy little exhilaration which is only cemented by his friends’ acceptance and excitement rather than disgust and disappointment. He hosts his party. He finds ways to live when he still can, he finds ways to breathe these stolen gasps of air when he’s got the time to do it, and it just would not have occurred to him to even try, before this series started. Before he met someone (in this case, Plagg) who offered him an out. 

There’s a lot to write about Chloe here as well, but I am already several paragraphs deep into this. Chloe’s role as his only friend is important and he really does like her a lot, she is one of his closest and is literally his oldest friend, and there’s a lot to be said for how he defends her and tries for her and believes in her. They are genuinely, really friends. But we’re not getting into it. 

As Adrien prioritises his partnership - his team - with Ladybug more and more, he is growing to learn what a real team looks like. Chat is loose and easy and relaxed and he relishes that, and he loves being with her more than he loves anything else in the entire world, because he has her back and he really believes she has his, and the whole rest of the world really doesn’t matter. I’ve written about this before - he has long-held beliefs about the world, absolute truths that he feels he can dig and dig and dig and dig and he will never come out the other side, they’re just true. They’re just true. 

But it costs Adrien something, to believe that he is a team with his father, and it does not cost him anything to believe the same of his best friend. Still, he will not ever let one of his absolute truths go easily (which is why he struggles with Kagami so much - one of his truths is that he is in love with Ladybug; and why he struggles with Chat Blanc, letting his father go, even though he knew that’s what he had to do), and that is why ... he is a sad boy. It is because he is fighting to find out where the truth is. He knows it has to be there somewhere. He knows it has to be buried somewhere under these swathes of work and isolation and barely-acceptable-son-but-thanks-for-trying behaviour. He just isn’t looking hard enough, there is want, somewhere under there. Gabriel wants him, somewhere there. It does not help that Gabriel throws out occasionally flashes of love, a hug here, concern for him there, a conversation once a month. It doesn’t help that he is being strung along. 

(As a spoiler, Adrien is wasting his time.) 

Anyway, the differences between Adrien and Chat are really just how much of Adrien is actually welcome, at any one time. Adrien mostly just works for his father, has always mostly just done work, he has a packed schedule - and nobody cares who Adrien is, they care what the young Monsieur Agreste can do for them. Chat is always welcome. Chat is always wanted. Chat always feels wanted, and she finds new ways to make him feel it almost every time he sees her. He craves that, and flourishes in it. I guess that’s the main difference. 

this is a long vent and storytime-ish. tw/dr*gs

it hurts going from being the kid who could read and write super well from an early age who got an award for english in high school and had a 98 in science for most of the year despite it always being my worst class and didn’t even have to try in school to barely being able to get a proper sentence out half the time and never being able to explain/express myself bc my brain is so fogged and fucked from all the drugs i do/have done that i can only think at like half capacity now. i used to be a rlly smart kid, i never had to try in school and i’d always get by just fine, if we had writing competitions in school i would usually win, i was basically an english prodigy. now i’ve dropped out of highschool and am in a constant state of brain fog, i can’t even feel things properly anymore. i can’t ground myself to my surroundings or feel genuinely present, it’s so difficult sitting outside at night and listening to music (one of my fav things to do) and trying to just be there in the moment but not being able to fully process literally anything that’s happening or my surroundings. i’m never fully there. i feel like a ghost or something. i used to be so against drugs and alcohol and then for some reason i decided fuck it, i wanna try acid bc it sounds bad and i wanna do something really bad just for the adrenaline. then i tried it and fell in love, i’d never even smoked weed before that, just drank oil, so being high was new to me and i immediately fell in love. nothing compared to the feeling drugs gave me, it was such an experience and made me feel so good and was so fun, like nothing i’d ever done before. i was rlly depressed and kinda hated myself and didn’t have many friends or a life so drugs were the one really good thing i had. i did acid a second time with molly and once again absolutely loved it. then my dealer got arrested and i didn’t have anywhere else to get acid so i turned to dxm (another drug i said i’d absolutely never do, but desperation makes people do weird things). i loved dxm as much as acid, i got (mentally) addicted almost immediately. plus it was so easy to get and i had money really frequently so i could just go grab some for $10 whenever i wanted. i quickly spiralled from that, i started doing it at school and doing it every night i could and if i didn’t have it i’d have cravings for it so bad i’d be scratching and hitting myself and pulling my hair and sobbing so hard i’d almost throw up. i also started doing molly pretty often and other things like coke and shrooms and a lot of acid. my drug problem almost got out of hand at one point, i overdosed twice within a week of each other and got serotonin syndrome also twice within a week of each other. i got a bit better when i had to go to my grandmas for a few weeks and didn’t have access to any drugs, and i wasn’t getting money regularly either so i was forced to go sober for a while. at one point i got better and started only smoking weed and drinking and i was doing good for months if not a year but i slipped again. my friend invited me to come over and do ghb with her parents and i agreed, ofc. welp, i wound up doing a LOT of meth that night as well. this is where i started slipping. the day after that night (well technically the day AFTER the day after) i went back and did ghb and smoked a bunch more meth with my friends parents. the kicker is my friend wasn’t even there this time. i’m close with her parents so they said i could meet with their dealer at their place bc they didn’t want me meeting with him alone (mans got second degree murder charges, numerous assault charges, and many more. he’s a very dangerous guy). i met him the night i went there the first time bc he came to sell them the ghb. he wound up spending the whole night and we TOTALLY vibed (before i found out he was dangerous asf). also the first time i saw him he came in needing stitches bc he just bashed a girls car window to get back at her, so that’s lovely. we were gonna do stitches on him there but didn’t wind up doing that.

the next morning he offered to walk me to the bus stop but instead tried to take me to his doctors appointment with him?? keep in mind i’m a 17 year old girl and he’s a 35 year old man. so that was rlly weird but i managed to get away and go home. anyways the point of this was i used to have so much potential and be so different but now i’ve ruined my life with drugs and i hate it. i went from saying i would never even drink to smoking meth out of a wine glass in my mom’s bathroom bc i have literally no self control anymore. my cousin begged/told me not to touch the meth but here i am scraping little bits of it off to smoke and hoping she doesn’t notice. i wanted xans and her dealer is in the nw and i’m in the sw so he didn’t wanna come all the way just to sell me two xans so we got a bunch of meth too even though she just plans on probably selling it and not taking it. i’m slowly losing control, first it started with just planning on smoking the loose little teeny bits in the bag to scraping off some from the rock and i should’ve stopped at there but i couldn’t. i know i should’ve stopped at there, there was less chance of her noticing and i shouldn’t rlly be risking it but here i am about to go scrape even more off for like my 4th time and pray she doesn’t notice. i’m so fucking stressed, i’ve been lying to my bf and my family about the drugs and i feel so guilty but at the same time i kinda don’t which almost makes me feel worse. i always put myself and my interests first and do what i want even if i have to lie about it because i don’t have any self control anymore. i’ve stopped caring more and more, i used to never do anything if there was even the smallest chance of me getting caught bc i was so scared of getting in trouble but lately i’ve been developing an attitude of ‘what are they gonna do about it? even if they find out, i already did it, the most they can do is get mad and i can just choose not to give a fuck that they’re mad’. i also have been putting myself in more and more dangerous situations (usually for drugs) and i think to myself a lot ‘who cares if something happens? i wanna die anyways and if something else happens i’ll just deal with it, it’s whatever, i can choose not to care about it’ and i know that’s gonna get me in a really bad situation one day. i was doing so good for so long and now i’m just spiralling so bad again. i don’t think i can get better either bc i need to want to get better and for some reason i don’t? like of course i wanna be better and have a solid life but the reality of putting in all the work and actually getting there is just something i can’t do. i’d rather just throw my life away and wallow in my mental illness until i either die young from an od or laced drugs or i kms.

like the reality is i literally can’t be a functioning adult. maybe if i went on a bunch of medication and got a shit ton of therapy maybe, but i can’t even bring myself to look for jobs or apply to them, and the thought of actually working is TERRIFYING. i have such fucking bad anxiety, any time i leave the house i constantly feel like everyone is staring at me and judging me and i’m hyper aware of how i look and how i’m breathing and walking. getting a job and being an adult just isn’t realistic for me, plus i literally hate the human race and the world in general so i have absolutely no desire to stay alive and be a functioning adult in a world that i literally hate anyways. i don’t wanna be here anymore. i just want everything to stop

ACE ATTORNEY GAMES RANKING AND THOUGHTS ON DUAL DESTINIES

Personal Ranking of the games, highest/most enjoyable to lowest: PLEASE NOTE THAT I REALLY ENJOY ALL OF THEM AND THINK THEY HAVE A LOT OF MERIT, EVEN THE LOWEST RANKED.

Ace Attorney 3: Trials and Tribulations (WE HAVE TO PRETEND GODOT DOES’T EXIST BUT I’M WILLING TO DO THIS...but when I do remember Godot exists, it gets moved to second place and AA1 is top dog), Ace Attorney 1, Ace Attorney Investigations 2,  Justice for All, Ace Attorney: Investigations, Dual Destinies, Spirit of Justice, Apollo Justice

I think that’s pretty solid. AA3′s ranking is pretty variable depending on my mood bc ugh godot why godot but i love so much about it and it basically has great moments for the whole cast, so? gotta admit it. Even Godot can’t ruin AA3 for me. AAI and DD also might switch places depending on my mood.

I am surprised at how far down AA2 was knocked- it introduces great characters and the final case is one of the best in the entire series, but the other cases are pretty eh and the circus case is pretty terrible, as we all know. On replay that stick out more. Meanwhile 3/5 of AA1 cases are just fantastic, and it does a great job getting the feels and endearing you to the characters. Rise from the Ashes does a lot to elevate it. 

AAI2 is one of the best games in the series, I’m almost tempted to put if first tbh. The cast, the character development, the mysteries, the little moments- all a plus. 

AAI is frustrating and tedious at times and the plot is very weak, but I think largely makes up for it by having a ton of investigation options (obviously) that allow for fun character convos. The flashback case especially was a blast.

Then we’ve got DD and the fact I like DD better than SoJ and AJ is probably very unpopular- I can see why people would feel differently. The plot to DD is weak (the climax and final twist of SoJ is much much stronger), a lot of it’s on-the-nose and cliche, some characters are underwritten and it’s way too easy. SOJ is a better game structurally and mechanically. But ultimately, I find DD a lot less frustrating and more fun than SoJ. 

There are just so many things about SoJ that make me actively ANGRY- how Maya is treated and her return and character is uttely wasted and she’s damseled in a blatant retread of JFA, how Athena is regressed and blatantly sidelined, how PHOENIX is regressed for no reason in the JFA retread- like he makes almost the exact same mistakes he did in JFA and there’s absolutely NO reason for him not to tell Apollo and Athena what’s happening- and in general, just several characters are dumbed down and sidelined to make Apollo look good, which??? Ya didn’t have to do that?

I feel DD was way better at balancing it’s cast and treating them with respect. Apollo’s arc took him out of focus sometimes, but it didn’t feel like he was regressing (mostly bc...they didn’t develop his character all that much in AJ in the first place).  He made the mistake of not trusting his agency, but honestly, there was never a lot of trust between Phoenix and him in the first place, and he was just getting to know Athena AND he was going through a lot of grief- so it all felt pretty natural. And it established that he approaches “trust” and being a lawyer in a different way than Phoenix and Athena do, which I feel was very important for making him distinct as a character. It was DD that helped me really “get” Apollo TBH, because again, his own game actually didn’t develop him that much even if he was a cutie. At least he had a character arc in DD, and I felt he’d grown by the end of the game.

I think it’s important to remember it’s been explicitly stated that Apollo’s popularity shot up in Japan after DD came out, for all fans gripe about it, this game still actually cared more about him than his own game did, enough to actually endear a bunch of fans to him.

Meanwhile, I’ve already worded on Athena and how I feel her character arc was great- she grew a lot over the course of the game and her story was very resonant to me. She got a lot of the spotlight, but other characters weren’t ever dumbed down to make her look good, like what happened with Apollo in SOJ.

Phoenix also progressed a bit- he’s noticeably more confident than in the trilogy and it’s interesting to see him in a (much more reliable) mentor role. He’s always enjoyed looking after people, so it does feel natural for him to take on that role and feels like he’s really continuing Mia’s legacy by getting his own proteges. A lot of a stuff that happened to him in AJ isn’t really followed up on when it would have been way more interesting to keep those aspects, but I can understand to some extent why it didn’t happen. Following up on what AJ did to him while still making a new, separate game, is TOUGH, and I don’t envy DD’s position in having to do it. 

I do think it’s believable Phoenix could recover a bit and scale back on his cynicism now that he’s finally managed to prove his innocence, and there ARE hints throughout DD that some issues remain, so there’s at least something to work with there.I especially appreciate that DD did it’s best to address what Miles and Maya were up to during AJ and reassured players they WERE around- the hints that Miles and Phoenix might have been in conflict over whether he should get his badge back and that Phoenix was resistant to Miles helping him were especially appreciated, and make sense for the characters. The fact that Miles eventually did manage to make him get it back and even pulled strings- also great. The way they settled in old married couple closeness felt so natural too.

I think what a lot of fans don’t take into account with DD was (as well as I can glean) what it was like when AJ came out and there was no follow-up. Guys, AJ would have gotten a direct sequel if fans had reacted well to the new status quo. They obviously didn’t. And that’s NOT SURPRISING. We had Phoenix going through a full, developed character arc, a complete story and then AJ comes along and is like “lol never mind his life is ruined now and HAS BEEN TERRIBLE FOR SEVEN YEARS and all that progress he made went down the drain. also where are Miles and Maya? who knows?” and introduced a new protag without bothering to develop him or give him backstory and introduce a lot of underdeveloped, HARD-TO-UNDERSTAND (why are the gramyrie men so awful why did they do anything they did their actions make NO SENSE)   characters and unresolved, inexplicable things.

I really think what AJ did with Phoenix is interesting, but it was also devastating and frustrating and they didn’t bother to explain most of it so it felt so random too. I honestly would have been gutted at it had I not know DD was coming out and he was going to be okay and practice law again. Phoenix losing his badge is bold, and it is a legit direction to take things- life really does suck like that at times- but also, we KNOW life sucks like that sometimes. that doesn’t mean we want to see characters who had a complete story come back only to be miserable and lose almost everything. I’m a wuss, so seeing that happen to Phoenix would have been way too much for me had I not known a happy ending was coming. I find AJHoboNick interesting as a phase of Phoenix’s life, but don’t like it as a permanent state of being for him. 

That doesn’t mean we couldn’t have reached that happy ending in a more interesting way obvs- I’d have liked (and would still like) for the bitterness and moral looseness Phoenix picked up during the AJ years to be explored more, even as he comes back to law. DD played it safe, while AJ took a lot of risks that didn’t really pan out and ended up as a mess. I can see why one would prefer the latter to the former.

But I think DD accomplished what it set out to do, in an enjoyable way. It had a job: restore Phoenix as a protag while still involving Apollo, give Apollo some actual backstory and an arc, introduce this new character and give her a complete arc, actually explain where all these character who were just dropped in AJ have been and follow up on it as best you can. It did a good job doing all that, and succeeded (except for in addressing the Apollo and Trucy thing, it didn’t follow that up...aghhh....). It let all the characters shine, felt balanced, and introduced a new status quo that felt comfortable and fun. I remember being so overjoyed when I first played with it and there was a reason for that. It felt like coming home.

And again, SOJ had a lot of good things going on, like Rayfa, and a stronger plot, but the way it just blatantly screwed over characters-and how Nahyuta was SO BORING AND SUCH A FAILURE AS A RIVAL (another thing DD did better btw Simon is a blast he is ridic but also makes sense and his older-brother-relationship with Athena is sweet) just leave a bit of a sour taste.

also i love athena and DD introduced her so. you guys probably can guess that’s a big factor. 

I’ve already worded about the way AJ- while interesting and ambituous and impressive and nice looking- failed majorly in some ways. and wasn’t as enjoyable to play- so you know the drill there. I STILL LIKE IT THOUGH. IT HAS A LOT OF MERIT AS A GAME.

SO MY UNPOPULAR OPINION. DD HAS A LOT OF WEAKNESSES BUT I STILL LIKE IT A LOT AND LIKE IT A LOT BETTER THAN SOJ OR AJ, THOUGH I ALSO LIKE BOTH THOSE GAMES. DD TRIED AND IT GAVE ME MY YELLOW DARLING.

also really no need to argue with me on any of this. in fact please do not.

now i just have to play the bonus case and then it’s PLvAA time! i wonder how that will rank. probs not very high since crossovers tend to be nonsensical.

Being Alone, Beautiful, and Bones: "Go not to the elves for counsel, for they will say both no and yes.'" Kenyatit Id 50152, a 12 Yrs., 46 Lbs. Manhattan ACC *** TO BE KILLED - 12/21/2018 *** “I am an elf and I learned how to comport myself among trolls, hobbits or goblins. I learned that a friend can be lost to greed and avarice. I learned that solving riddles may be as important a survival skill as bowmanship. I know how to talk to a dragon, and that it's best not to.” Beautiful, sweet senior Kenyatta was dumped at the shelter after 12 years of love and loyalty. She was then adopted, and returned only 4 months later because after all she had been through, she didn't want to be alone in her new home. She barked and the landlord complained and said, "out." Now this poor lady is back at the shelter, being her usual, gentle and affectionate self, but wanting desperately to find her forever family. Wont' you help her out? As a Volunteer Writes: “Volunteers write her mash notes on a board that read things like, "So sweet!" "Nice girl!" If Santa is looking for another reindeer, this perfectly behaved girl is ready for the job: She is gorgeous on a leash, knows how to sit, appears house trained, and loves pleasing the person who has asked her to do anything. She's snuggly yet spunky, gentle and affectionate. An ideal family dog, Kenyatta may not be called up by Santa to do the Christmas Eve run this year, but maybe she can join your family for the holidays for the rest of her life? It would be the best gift Kenyatta could have, and certainly yours.” If you can adopt Kenyatta, please MESSAGE our page or email us at [email protected] MY VIDEO: The sweetest little elf <3 https://youtu.be/tz675djNmng KENYATTA, ID# 50152, @ 12 Yrs. Old, 46.6 lbs. Manhattan ACC, Medium Mixed Breed, Tan / White, Unaltered Female Owner Surrender Reason: After Kenyatta lost her original home 4 months ago, her new owner’s landlord complained about her barking (entirely due to separation anxiety) Shelter Assessment Rating: Medical Behavior Rating: 2. Blue OWNER SURRENDER NOTES – BASIC INFORMATION: Kenyatta was brought into our facilities as an owner surrender due to complaints from the landlord about her barking. Kenyatta's most recent owner had had her for four months after being given her by a friend who could no longer keep her. Kenyatta is a white and brown large mixed breed intact female dog. She currently has a mass on her chest, but has reportedly been healthy otherwise. She last saw a vet for a rabies vaccine about 4 months ago. Kenyatta previously lived with 2 adults. Around strangers, Kenyatta is friendly and outgoing. She will play exuberantly with adults. Kenyatta has been around children and is described as being relaxed, respectful, and tolerant. She did not play with children. Kenyatta has been around dogs of all sizes. She reportedly gets along with them, but according to the most recent owner, she will "loom" overtop of them and it makes some other dogs nervous. Kenyatta has not been around cats before. Kenyatta does not have any resource guarding behaviors. Kenyatta has never bitten another animal or person. She is housetrained and has a medium to high energy level. Other Notes: Kenyatta reportedly will bark the entire time when left home alone. She is not bothered by loud storms or fireworks. She is not bothered when pushed or pulled off of furniture and will jump down when told "get down," when held or restrained, when disturbed while sleeping or resting, when her nails are trimmed, or when someone unfamiliar approaches her owner or their family. She is afraid of baths and will run away. Her most recent owner did not brush her. Has this dog ever had any medical issues? Yes Medical Notes: Kenyatta currently has a pendulous mass on her chest. The most recent owner did not seek medical attention for it. For a New Family to Know: Kenyatta is described as being friendly, affectionate, playful, and pushy. When you are home, she likes to follow you around. Her favorite toys are tennis balls. She likes to play fetch. She has been kept indoors only. She slept on her dog bed in the living room. She was fed Nutro brand dry food twice a day. Her favorite treats are bones. She is house-trained and never has accidents. She will use the bathroom on any surface outside. When left home alone, she will bark the entire time she is alone. She has never been left alone in a yard or crate trained. She knows the command sit. She is used to walks on the leash and running in the dog park for exercise. She pulls lightly on the leash and has never been walked without a leash. Kenyatta's favorite thing to do is run outside. Her most recent owner's favorite things about her are how she is very loving and how she likes attention from people. INTAKE NOTES – DATE OF INTAKE, 12/9/2018: Upon intake, Kenyatta allowed all handling. She had a loose, wiggly body and was easy to collar, scan for a microchip, leash, and photograph. She leaned in for pets and would press her body against counselor's legs. SHELTER ASSESSMENT – DATE OF ASSESSMENT, 10-Dec-2018 Look: 1. Dog's eyes are averted, with tail wagging and ears back. Allows head to be held loosely in Assessor's cupped hands. Sensitivity: 1. Dog stands still and accepts the touch, eyes are averted, and tail is in neutral position with a relaxed body posture. Dog's mouth is likely closed for at least a portion of the assessment item. Tag: 1. Dog follows at the end of the leash, body soft. Paw squeeze 1: 1. Dog gently pulls back his/her paw. Paw squeeze 2: 1. Dog gently pulls back his/her paw. Flank squeeze 1: Item not conducted Flank squeeze 2: Item not conducted Toy: 1. Minimal interest in toy, dog may smell or lick, then turns away. Summary: Kenyatta approached the assessor with a soft body. She was social during the assessment, allowed all handling, and displayed no concerning behaviors. PLAYGROUP NOTES – DOG TO DOG SUMMARIES: Summary (1): 12/10: When introduced off leash to dogs Kenyatta is tense and avoids. Summary (2): 12/13: Kenyatta is tense and keeps to self. ENERGY LEVEL: We have no history on Kenyatta so we cannot be certain of her behavior in a home environment. At the care center, she displays a medium level of activity. BEHAVIOR DETERMINATION: EXPERIENCE (suitable for an adopter with some previous dog experience, especially with the behaviors outlined below) Potential challenges: Separation anxiety Potential challenges comments: Separation anxiety: Kenyatta is reported to bark continuously when left home alone, =indicating there is a possibility she may have separation anxiety. We recommend that potential adopters feel comfortable with separation anxiety behaviors and are prepared to manage and positively modify them should they appear in a home environment. She would do best in a home where a person is home for a large part of the day or with a plan so she is not alone for long periods of time. MEDICAL EXAM NOTES DVM Intake Exam. Estimated age: Reported 12 years old - exam is consistent with 7-12 years. Microchip noted on Intake? Scanned negative. History : Surrendered. Pt has two masses on her chest - one large soft fatty mass which pt has had for 4+ months, and one small scabbed mass which will occasionally burst and bleed. Subjective: Alert, energetic. Observed Behavior - Runs into exam room, skitters around. Initially allows handling and close exam of face, then gets agitated and starts to bark at us, ducks away from handling. Pt was muzzled easily, and this actually calmed her down. Evidence of Cruelty seen – None. Evidence of Trauma seen – None. Objective: BAR-H, MMs pink and moist, BCS 5/9, EENT: Eyes clear, ears clean, no nasal or ocular discharge noted. Oral Exam: Severe tartar esp on PMs. PLN: No enlargements noted H/L: NSR, NMA, CRT < 2, Lungs clear, eupnic, no coughing or sneezing ABD: Non painful, no masses palpated, not distended U/G: Female, mature nipples, no mammary masses or vulvar discharge MSI: Large pendulous mass on ventral chest, along midline - approx 4 cm dia, soft and squishy, cold to the touch, normal overlying skin. Small scabbed mass on left side of cranial chest - approx 1 cm dia, crusty and black. Ambulatory x 4, skin free of parasites, healthy hair coat. CNS: Mentation appropriate - no signs of neurologic abnormalities. Rectal: Normal externally. Assessment: 1. Pendulous soft mass, 2. Small scabbed mass - concern for cutaneous hemangioma/hemangiosarcoma, 3. Dental disease. Prognosis: Good. Plan: 1. Recommend FNA/excisional bx of both masses, especially small scabbed mass. 2. Recommend dental cleaning and daily tooth brushing. SURGERY: Permanent waiver due to age [Spay/Neuter Waiver - Age] It is the policy of ACC not to perform surgery on any animal over the age of 8-10 years due to the higher risks incurred in a shelter setting. The veterinarian is hereby issuing a permanent spay/neuter waiver, from the spay/neuter requirements of the City of NY due to the estimated age of this animal. ACC does recommend you consult with your veterinarian to determine if surgical sterilization is appropriate. * TO FOSTER OR ADOPT * HOW TO RESERVE A “TO BE KILLED” DOG ONLINE (only for those who can get to the shelter IN PERSON to complete the adoption process, and only for the dogs on the list NOT marked New Hope Rescue Only). Follow our Step by Step directions below! PLEASE NOTE – YOU MUST USE A PC OR TABLET – PHONE RESERVES WILL NOT WORK! * STEP 1: CLICK ON THIS RESERVE LINK: https://newhope.shelterbuddy.com/Animal/List Step 2: Go to the red menu button on the top right corner, click register and fill in your info. Step 3: Go to your email and verify account \ Step 4: Go back to the website, click the menu button and view available dogs Step 5: Scroll to the animal you are interested and click reserve STEP 6 ( MOST IMPORTANT STEP ): GO TO THE MENU AGAIN AND VIEW YOUR CART. THE ANIMAL SHOULD NOW BE IN YOUR CART! Step 7: Fill in your credit card info and complete transaction HOW TO FOSTER OR ADOPT IF YOU CANNOT GET TO THE SHELTER IN PERSON, OR IF THE DOG IS NEW HOPE RESCUE ONLY! You must live within 3 – 4 hours of NY, NJ, PA, CT, RI, DE, MD, MA, NH, VT, ME or Norther VA. Please PM our page for assistance. You will need to fill out applications with a New Hope Rescue Partner to foster or adopt a dog on the To Be Killed list, including those labelled Rescue Only. Hurry please, time is short, and the Rescues need time to process the applications.

Blindspot 2x19 recap

(Aka the Scavenger hunt)

(Aka both Zapata and Shepherd getting arrested and Reade coming back and Patterson being adorable and Jeller ALMOST-KISSING AAAAAHHHHHHHH)

Well, here it is at last. This recap should have been posted a week ago, after already having been delayed by all the fic-writing, but just as it was aaaalmost done, my computer crashed and lost the whole damn thing. So here’s take 2 haha, and I’ll try to get my 2x20 recap up tomorrow, if I’m lucky...

(Warning: extreme flailing ahead)

Well, here’s to the amount of deja vu I’m about to experience lol. And just a note-- I’m gonna speed through the Shepherd scenes bc frankly I don’t care about them in the slightest. And so speaking of which, we're back in Bangkok and Shepherd’s using all the ominous language about how the guy should avoid the western world and blah blah she totally thinks she's so badass, yet she has no idea that the western world-- or specifically, the Weller & Patterson bro-sis combo, is about to Strike Back (;P). And so while she's acting tough and threatening the sellers of the toxic stuff, these two precious little catburglars are stealing all of her ill-gotten money. I love Patterson being about to go into a complex explanation of how, and Weller being all "Don't explain. Just type." haha. Aw, my little partners in crime. And then Patterson succeeds in freezing the account, causing all hell to break loose for Shepherd, bullets flying, her entire little posse getting shot down and she herself barely escaping with her life (though damn, for a middle-aged lady she sure still got some moves)-- and back in the lab, Weller and Patterson are just sitting there like.... 'well that was anticlimactic' hahahaha. Oh, if only you knew how much you had just ruined Shepherd's day lol. You would be as delighted as I am. Also damn she just went all Terminator on this guy, only to get nabbed by the cops which is SO satisfying even though we know she'll get free soon enough. But still, anything that pisses Shepherd off is just fine by me lol

Looollll it's the Right Boob Snake! I assume you guys heard the story from last year's SDCC panel, but in case you didn’t, the gist of it was that this tattoo is Rob's favourite because each tattoo is kept in a separately labelled storage container thing and this one is labelled with 'Right boob snake'. Also I love that we have literally never seen the team use a CG graphic of the tattoos until now, when it's one in a 'private area', which is so cute omg. I wonder if Weller is disappointed or relieved? Knowing what a gentleman he is, probably relieved lol. But anyway, they already know that the snake is the calling-card of a hacker guy, but they could never find him until just now, when he was picked up on facial recognition for the first time. Is it just me or does he kind of look like a less-attractive Henry Cavill? But anyhow they assume that he's going to hack into some mainframe or something so they rush to Grand Central to detain him. And awww Jane and Tasha both get their own little mini-teams to lead. Man, these guys are totally FBI elite, aren’t they? God all the other agents must think they are just so cool. I bet there's heaps of office gossip about them and people pick their favourite team member like fans do with the Avengers (which should clearly be Clint and Natasha, duhh) or Power Rangers or whatever. I bet all the Reade fans have been bummed lately. But anyhow, they've spotted their target at the station-- he just picked up a dead drop. Jane follows him, but he's clearly expecting trouble bc he notices her, then makes a run for it-- only to be grabbed by another guy. And for a sec I thought it was one of Jane's lackeys that she'd perfectly positioned-- but then that guy slits the hacker's throat and steals the package. Daaaamn. Also omg I find it hilarious that there's like instant screaming and running from the bystanders the moment it happens-- like c’mon, writers. These are New Yorkers. New Yorkers have got shit to do and places to be and they keep their eyes DOWN. They'd have to be standing right beside this guy and get their coffee spilled on themselves in the struggle to even notice at all. I do appreciate that Jane goes straight to the hacker to administer first aid rather than running after the attacker, leaving that to Zapata. Who does a damn good job of it, nearly catching the guy before he's shot by another dude who subsequently takes the package. Like damn, what is in this thing?? Zapata runs straight past the guy on the floor, not even checking to see if he's still alive, too busy giving chase to dude #3. Too bad, son. Weller, however, catches the guy first and kicks his ass very thoroughly, which we all know I am a huge supporter of. And inside the package is.... a Rubiks cube?? I wonder if it opens up when you solve it???

Lol Weller's bummed about going through all that for a Rubiks cube, grumping about it being a dumb toy-- and Patterson's all 'excuse u these are very cool adult things that totally normal and cool adults are into okay' and ughhh the little grin on Zapata's face just gives me life. Almost as much as the fact that when Patterson says the cube is related to Leakhub, Zapata immediately explains what it is to Jane, instantly knowing that she's in the dark about it and catches her up so she doesn't have to ask. Ughhhh Zapata is such an amazing and considerate friend and she just always knows what people need and I'm so glad that she and Jane are back to being buds again because they are the besssssttt. Then Patterson shows them the mannequin-challenge video that she found (idk exactly how, using her usual Patterson awesomeness I guess) that had the message from the Leakhub founders in it, hidden on the license plates. Damn. Sometimes I remember that this is a TV show and that it's written by actual real people and I think about it and I'm just like goddamn these people are clever. But anyhow. I love that the mannequin challenge actually came up at all (even though by this point in time, even in the show-universe, it would be a long-dead meme) just because the Blindspot cast and crew did a challenge of their own and this all feels very meta rn haha. I love Patterson approving of the classy iambic pentameter in the coded message too haha. And so they realise that the Leakhub founders are basically having a going out of business giveaway, handing over their cache of Super Secret Files to whoever completes their challenge. And on that list of documents is... dun dun dun... the Truman Protocol, which as we've heard is basically the basis of Phase 2. So if they find this document, they might be able to stop Shepherd. And, you know, there's also the fact that if any one of these documents gets into the wrong hands, it could have devastating consequences etc etc 

Aaaand Shepherd is in some super tiny little jail thing, and will be taken to the consulate when it opens in ten hours. Yeaaaaahhhhh she'll be long gone by then. I do appreciate the guard guy verbally putting her in her place though. Too bad she'll probably kill him soon.

Lol Patterson has solved the Rubiks cube-- though not in the traditional way, as Weller points out, eyeing the randomly-coloured sides. She snarks that she could have solved it in 30 seconds (20 when she was in tournament shape appearently, and omg I adore her so much) but explains that the arrangement of the little colored squares per side IS the code, with each pair of them representing numbers or letters. Zapata seems to get it, bc that girl is honestly such a secret little nerd, but I personally would be in the 'smile and nod' camp with Jane and Weller rn lol. Basically it translates to a challenge where they have to hack one of a bunch of different documents. They realise, too, that there were other Rubiks cubes out there, and other people are also playing this game, meaning it's like a large-scale scavenger hunt. The team picks one that involves a big pharmaceutical company that is reported to have products that cause cancer, meaning they can complete the challenge in a bit of a Robin Hood way rather than causing more problems. Weller's totally ready to just ditch Patterson to get all hacky with it, but she drags him back, telling him that doing it by remote access would take her all day, and then before he even speaks she says in a super deep voice "we don't have that kind of time, Patterson" and then continues laying out her plan and oh my godddddd Patterson mocking her big bro is everything I have ever wanted in this world and more. I think I literally shrieked. Weller gives her this adorable 'excuse me??' look and ugh Jane is so completely failing at hiding her smile and omg I love this stupid team and their stupid family dynamic ughhhhhhh 

Omg. Patterson's plan literally involves Jane and Weller going for a relaxing couple's stroll down the CEO guy's street, and I literally cannot even explain how delighted I am rn because Jane is literally loving it?? She's smiling like a kid, just so happy to be here with him, getting to do something relaxed and easy and just the two of them-- like literally she could reach out just a tiny bit and they'd be holding hands, walking down the street like any other lovestruck couple without a care in the world. And of course Weller notices her smile, and he makes a joke about them not getting shot at for once (dude, please at least knock on wood after saying something like that, geez), and ughhhhhh I love her little laugh and her bright smile as she looks up at him and then the way she giggles as a couple of kids race past them and omg she's literally almost giddy just to be out doing something normal with the man she loves and I am SO EMOTIONAL about it. And then sighhhh, the moment is over and the smile fades and she takes a deep breath and asks him about hearing from Nas, and how he feels about her leaving, given the whole thing with Allie having left as well, and oh godddd now I'm emotional in a much less pleasant way because she knowwwwwwwss. Jane knows/knew about him and Nas-- like she might even think that they were still together right up until Nas left-- and she puts her own feelings aside to make sure he's okay and aaaaarghhhhhhhhh this is the woooooorst. She has literally probably known since that damn baby shower in 2x08 and ugh I can't even imagine how it must have hurt her to see them both at work every day and know that they probably woke up together that morning or would be going home to each other that night and ugh noooo my baby. She just cares about him so much and suffers through it silently and ugh it hurts me. And Weller's pretty much all 'huh? Nas who?' bc lbr that was only ever just a stupid fling for him (emphasis on the stupid) and his heart has always been 100% Jane's but he probably thinks she's just asking to make sure he doesn't compromise the mission somehow by being distracted over Nas and there's almost a dry little chuckle in his voice as he tells her he's fine and ughhhh these two literally just need to have a clear conversation bc this is driving me CRAZY. Idiots. But anyhow, they've just found the guy's car (fortunate timing there) and so they stroll over, with Weller standing guard over Jane while she casually slashes though one of the car's tires like it's warm butter (bc she's a superhuman, obviously-- do you have any idea how hard it is to slash through a tire?? Hard!) but anyway tbh I don't know if anything could really capture my aesthetic better than this moment lol? And anyhow onto the next step-- the guy comes out and sees his slashed tire, only for a cab to conveniently pull up right beside him-- with Weller at the wheel haha. Ugh I love Patterson's customer service voice as she calls to tell the guy he's being hacked, almost as much as I love the little grin she and Zapata exchange as she does it. And then he tells her to piss off with her little scam, then calls the ‘real’ IT department-- only to be answered by Zapata, and omgggg if I loved Patterson's customer service voice I am DYING over Zapata's. Also what an asshole, he just hung up on Zapata mid-sentence?? So glad their little camera then watches him put in his password so they can steal all his stuff and expose him. But ughh I can't believe that Weller's voice has somehow managed to get even deeper and more gravelly than usual? I hope Jane can hear Cabbie!Weller over the comms rn bc I really want her to be able to experience this too haha. Honestly though do the writers of this ep have some kind of role-playing fantasy, or?? Because it's sure as hell feeling like it... not that I’m complaining   

Aaaahhh Reade just showed up in the bullpen. Weller takes him straight to his office and I love the fact that while Reade immediately sits, Weller is standing for just a moment longer, meaning that when Reade apologises he's looking up at Weller. It's very 'penitent son' or something, idk. And Weller is so calm and steady, and ugh he could totally rip Read a new one for what he did but instead he's so supportive and forgiving and allows Reade to take the time off without the upper management ever having to hear what he did and ugh tbh I feel like season 1 Weller wouldn't have been this gentle?He would have been much more shouty. I think his experiences with trauma and betrayal recently have made him even more understanding and forgiving and despite what Reade said before, they ARE family. And Weller looks out for his own. And then ughhh Reade and Zapata... but wait he thanks her for 'sitting through that' and she tells him she's sorry... and oh no. Ohhhh noooooo. He really was abused. Oh god. I am so horrified and sad that he had to watch that and sort of re-live it. Ugh Reade my baby I know I've been grumpy at your behaviour lately but I am so sorry and I love you and I hate to see you hurting. Also their hug is so sweet ugh and wow she really is tiiiiiny lol            

Awww Weller walks into the Bullpen and I love that his three ladies are all hanging out together at the same desk?? Like Patterson could be down in her lab with her lackeys and Jane and Zapata could have been off doing their own thing but instead they're all sticking together bc they're besties and ughhhhh I am so happy. Also have I mentioned how much I love this ‘Charlie's Angels’ kinda situation they've got going on rn?? Reade's away and there's no more Nas (#sosad), so it's just Weller and his angels and ugh I am so into it. Literally can we have a spin-off movie about this? Like Patterson is their computer whiz and Zapata is the demolitions/weaponry expert and Jane is their combat expert and they fight crime under the direction of their doting leader Weller and ugh just give it to me now. But anyhow the Leakhub peeps have received the files that they hacked from the asshole drug company guy (and which Patterson cleverly sent through fancy means so they'll never know it came from the FBI), and a new message comes, telling them to wear red, go to a particular place, and bring someone they trust. And uggghhhh just let me die, bc Weller doesn't even hesitate; he just immediately picks Jane to go with him. Their responses kill me-- Jane's head snaps around and she just stares at him; Zapata's all like 'of course you would' haha; whereas Patterson's all disbelieving and insists that she should be the one to go bc what if there are more puzzles??? This is literally her forte. Ooh and Zapata looks at him then like 'let's see you argue this one buddy' lol. And then Weller says he's great at puzzles and Patterson legit laughs before quickly putting on a serious face when he stares at her (yep, he may be your big bro but he's kinda still your boss, honey) and she says "Yes, in your own way" and ughhh Zapata is LOVING this and I loooove the fact that she looks to Jane (who is determinedly staring at the ground, trying so hard not to laugh) because they're best buds again and they're all sharing this joke at Weller's expense ughhhh. Oh man, I almost feel sorry for my lil boy. So outnumbered. So out of his depth. But because they love him, they let him pretend that he really is calling the shots, and Patterson relents (sidenote: what are those earring she's wearing? Like an inverted triangle underneath another upright triangle? Isn't there some culture where upside down triangle means ‘woman’ and upward pointing triangle means ‘man’? So this combination would mean... sex? Idk maybe I just made that up, but anyway enough about the sex earrings) and helps Jane pick out her red outfit. Maaannn I wish we had gotten to see the conversation she and Jane had in the locker-room (or lbr, the one she, Jane and Zapata had, all in there together giggling at Weller’s expense haha). 

Oooh karma has caught up with Weller quickly-- he's right, he does look ridiculous. But I still dig it?? And it seems Jane does too haha. Ugh I loooove seeing her smile and laugh so much??? She's actually really enjoying this case and I think that has less to do with the relative lack of danger and more to do with the amount of one-on-one time with Weller ugh. Oh and now suddenly they're swept up in a sea of red, meaning Patterson and Zapata lose them. Ooops. So they end up at some big old industrial building, which Weller says used to be a sanatorium for TB patients back in the early 1900s. Well look at you, lil history buff! I am now headcanoning that Weller knows heaps of NYC history bc it was an interest he developed when he was younger (maybe young Weller couldn't face the future without Taylor so he spent all his time focused on the past ugh) and ugh now I want him to take Jane out on a walking date where he just tells her history of the places they see while they hold hands and eat icecream or something ugh. I can dream, right?? But anyhow the door is their first challenge-- a keypad with a note about the simplest answer being the right one, and a math riddle, and they just look at each other like 'man it would be great to have Patterson right now' lol. And Jane's like 'ugh maths is gross why don't we just guess' but Weller stops her and just reaches for the door handle and pulls the door open. The simplest answer was that the door was never locked in the first place. Looks like it's lucky Weller did go along, bc I feel like Patterson might have solved the equation without necessarily thinking of any other alternatives. Score one for Weller. Tbh I feel like I would have done the same as Weller, bc I would have just been like 'nope too much maths can I just yank it open by force instead' lol. Though man the riddle does give me some serious flashbacks to the IQ test I had to do in order to get into med school. The first third of the test was all stuff like that, and those logic puzzles like where you have to get all the animals across the river in a boat but it could only hold two at a time and some of the animals would eat each other if left alone etc. I actually quite liked that section but the middle third was more my jam-- we just read different paragraphs of text about people interacting with each other and had to determine why they did what they did/said certain things/how they were feeling etc. That part was awesome. The third part was literally looking at patterns and picking which weird shape should come next in the sequence and I really wasn't a fan of that one at all haha. But aaaaanyhow. I wonder what would have happened if they'd put an answer into the keypad? Like would it have just locked them out, or blown up in their faces?? But omg I love Weller's 'told you I was great at puzzles' and the way Jane just rolls her eyes at him omg these two are so marrieeeeddddddd

Wow okay so they pretty much just stepped into the human version of a bowl of skittles-- there's colourfully dressed couples everywhere, and looollll Jane makes a joke about being glad not to be on the turquoise team and ughhh my baby is such a goddamn cutie pie omg. The green team gives them shady looks, and Jane wonders if everyone here is a hacker-- but Weller says some would be mercenaries or bodyguards or spies. Great. Lol then suddenly the lights go down and epic music starts and a spotlight appears on a hooded figure and for half a second I almost expect it to be Rich (even though I know he's back in prison and has an entirely different body shape) bc this is totally his kind of style haha. But then the hooded figure reveals themselves to be... Kaylee?? Erm, I mean some lady hacker, meaning ooooh the Hacker Bros are actually sisters. Or were, since the other one was apparently killed in a boat crash. Um, okay. This is all a little weird. God she really does remind me of Rich though. I wonder if they've met? I bet they're friends. Or exes haha. And then crap she says that there's a cop in the room and pulls out a gun and dammit Jane your poker face is usually better than this, get yourself under control woman! But then she does sound super badass and in-control when the Hacker Chick asks her who she thinks the cop is, so phew. Aaaand oops, now the white team is dead. Well, a little less competition, at least? 

Oh I forgot about Shepherd. She tries to connect with the guard about living with tyrants, but little does he know that SHE is the tyrant she's talking about. Ugh, I wish he had a tranq gun or something to knock her out with              

Oh Readey. My baby is at the shooting range having all kinds of nasty flashbacks as he shoots, and okay either all his shots will have gone wild and missed entirely, or they'll all be right on top of one another in the silhouette-man's heart. Aaand it's the latter. Oh my poor traumatised son. You need more Zapata hugs ugh      

Hacker chick is taking them all to individual rooms for the next challenge, and I love that when she holds up the hard drive of files, Jane looks back at Weller like 'are you sure we can't just attack her now and steal it? We could take on all these people' lol. But instead they head for their room (poor orange team just got dissed by the Hacker chick. That's what you get for wearing such a terrible colour lol) and omg I KNOW WHAT THIS IS. I loooove escape rooms, though I've never yet done one. One just opened in my town though so I'm gonna try to drag some friends along. Oh but before the key-finding can begin, there's a polygraph challenge-- "prove you can trust each other and you'll fin d your fates will be forever intertwined" yaaaassss I like the sound of this. It's true though, isn't it? If they reveal some of the things they've ben hiding from each other and then come through this whole ordeal knowing that they trust each other, they'll be one step closer to finally getting back on the right path, the one they’re meant to be on, the one that leads to marriage and babies and growing old together ughhhhh. And oooh Weller seems a little nerv ous about the polygraph-- if it asks him his feelings for Jane, he's screwed. He'll be even more at her mercy than he already is. Not to mention that he probably still thinks she doesn't feel the same and ughhh my boy is just not ready to be stripped of the last of his walls. Not like this. Whereas Jane is all 'let's do this' because she knows that if she needs to, she can beat the machine. Though I feel like that wouldn't be hard in this instance anyway bc it's literally missing half of the measurement devices that it should have, and somehow apparently can have answers of more than just yes or no? Mmmmkay, sure. But ugh the look they exchange when the chick is on the screen talking about them trusting each other. Both of them are like 'despite everything I trust you but I have no idea if you feel the same' and ughhhh I am so READY for this. And then lol the chick trolls Weller when he tries to talk to the recording. I love the humour in this show haha. But aaaahhh the first question is about meeting each other and their first impression, and I'm interested to know how this would work for those teams that are hacker + bodyguard/mercenary? Like 'we met this morning and he seemed like he would be really good at killing people so I thought that was good'?? Or maybe that’s the point, it's like an instant method of disqualifiying some teams, in that the questions are designed to show that they have a strong bond, a connection and trust equal to that which she had with her sister, so any pairs of strangers would automatically have to fail. After all, the rule specifically said 'bring someone you trust', meaning those teams broke that rule. Which means that Jane and Weller are automatically going to be one of the few teams that have a chance of winning. Excellent. But omggggggg the way Weller looks up at her sharply when she said she was terrified when she met him?? Ugh and he looks at the computer like 'wait no that can’t be right' and it comes up True and she looks at him all 'I did good?' and he's still processing that one because ugh of course she was scared-- she had no idea who she was or why this was happening and was locked in a room completely at the mercy of the people holding her-- but he would hate the thought of her being scared of HIM. But tbh I totally believe that the moment she first met him, her terror went from overwhelming to just a low background hum, because she just instantly recognised that he was Good and would try to help her and protect her. But wait hold on I want to hear about Weller's first impression too?? Because I feel like it would have been something like 'My first impression was that she was beautiful.... and that she was somehow both dangerous and vulnerable at the same time. From the moment I saw her I wanted to protect her.' and it would ping true and Jane would stare at him while he stared at the floor and ughhhhhhhhh why would you rob me of this opportunity show, whyyyy

Patterson's database just flagged that one of the fake documents made by Sandstorm's forger guy was just recently used-- and so they realise that Shepherd is in Bangkok. Dun dun dunnnnnn. They also still have no idea where Weller and Jane are either and are very stressed about it lol

Oooh wait Jane is answering again? Are they alternating and we just didn't get to see Weller's last question, or?? And ugh she answers that yes she's lied to him about something important. It's interesting that the question doesn't ask them to admit what the lie was, but that could either be bc the writers didn't want to have to go into it, or bc the Hacker Chick just wanted to plant that seed of distrust between the pairs and cause them to have an argument about it later. Of course this question doesn't have much of effect on Jeller bc they've already had their big reveal of all the lies and the subsequent fallout. Well, most of the lies, anyway. She's still got her Emma lie and he's still got his 'I'm stupidly in love with you but have made you think I'm not' lie. Though technically his lies-- that he's in love with her, that he hooked up with Allie and Nas to distance himself from her-- are more omissions than outright lies. But then aaaaaahhhhh Hacker Chick asks what the best/worst thing their partner has done for them (again, for strangers this would be an awkward one to answer bc they wouldn't really have anything to say) and ughhh Weller answers and talks about her getting inside his walls and ugh he's avoiding her gaze and fidgeting as he speaks, but then looks up and meets her eyes as he half-whispers that the worst thing was the same answer and ugh she can barely look at him, her eyes drawn to the screen instead, because ugh when he started speaking it seemed like her getting inside his walls was the worst thing-- which it did turn out to be as well, but there was more emphasis on it being the best thing and she must hardly be able to believe that he could ever consider being vulnerable to her like that as a good thing but the screen pings True and ugh she swallows and looks like she's trying not to cry and ughhhhh save me. And then the last question is hers, and it's about why they chose to work with their partner/why did their partner choose them, and Weller looks at her kinda like 'crap, how's this gonna go' but also simultaneously 'yes please tell me how you feel about working with me because I need to know that you'll stay' and ugh she says she chose him bc he's honest and loyal-- and then meets his eyes and says she trusts him with her life. And ugh he looks down, unable to hold her gaze, and you just know he's thinking about how he didn't protect her from the CIA and how he treated her like shit when she came back and how she still believes in him even after all of that and how he doesn’t deserve it. And he's probably also thinking that she's among the maybe three people he would trust with his life, with the other two being Patterson and Zapata (Reade's temporarily taking a break from the list) and yet the others are his hand-picked teammates who he has worked with for years and who have always proven themselves to him. Jane is an ex-terrorist who he's known less than a year and who has already lied to him and betrayed him more than once, yet he would still willingly put his life in her hands because he knows she would never let anyone hurt him. Ughhhhh. But then she says that he didn't choose her, he was forced to work with her, and he looks up and frowns a little bc the computer shows that she believes that's true but it's so totally opposite to what he feels and tbh I almost expected him to say something about it right then and there, but there's no time bc a little compartment pops open and there's locks to unlock. Also I just noticed that the symbol in the screen is a triangle with an eye in it overlying an inverted triangle, almost like Patterson's earring! What does it mean?? Are Jeller being followed around by a literal sex-symbol because I'm really starting to feel like the universe is trying to send them a message.... but anyhow the escape-rooming begins, with Jane finding two keys to Weller's one, then realising that the fourth lock is opened by the third lock itself. God she's so smart. I bet Weller is finding this super hot rn, bc I’m pretty sure the rest of us are. And then ta-da, a wall slides aside to reveal a window into the room next to them, where the blue dudes are still searching for keys. A message on the screen says that pressing the big button by the door will let them out, but fill the blue guys' room with deadly gas. Which means that getting to the files first-- saving a whole bunch of people-- will require killing two people in cold blood. Well, shit.

Well, if anyone tells you that slow internet never hurt anybody, show them this clip. This guard died bc of it, poor guy. But first he was talking with her about how Remi and Roman probably miss her and I'm like nooooope they certainly do not, my man. Ugh I'm so sad he had to die, though, like it was absolutely coming from the moment she got locked up, but ugh we were SO close to having her in US custody and then... sigh.

Ugh my precious babies are desperately searching for another way out, bc they refuse to press the button. And then ugh the blue guys unlock their last lock and see the same message-- and I appreciate that one of them tries to stop the other from pressing the button. Thanks for having honour, bro. But it's still not enough, and the other guy hits the button, releasing the gas-- into their own room, while Weller and Jane's door swings open. Plot twiiiist. Jane automatically moves for the door-- they have a mission, after all-- but Weller refuses to leave the guys to die, so he smashes the window and the two of them drag the blue guys out. Ugh, my babieessss. Unfortunately being good people means that the green team has gotten a chance to get out ahead of them, and they chase them down, catching one and absolutely kicking his ass in a freakin' awesome tag-team way, because these two are literally the most badass partners ever. And so they make it to the finish line-- but after the other guy in green, who grins at them like a cocky S.O.B. But then whaaat the white-team lady is there-- she's actually the other half of the sister duo. Niiiice. Jane's all ‘????’ and the chick makes a joke about her being a ghost and lol I love how absolutely done Jane is with all of this. Poor woman is daydreaming about being back on the sunny streets strolling along with Weller rn rather than being here trying to prove herself to these criminals lol. She tries to argue that both partners were supposed to get to the finish line, yet greenie is on his own, but Hacker chick shoots down that attempt. But then Weller, my precious cupcake, my secret cinnamon roll, argues that the whole point of the button test was to ensure someone with a moral code got the files, and reminds her that he and Jane risked the win by stopping to save two strangers. White-clad sister seems to like him-- er, I mean his argument-- and so the main hacker chick is all 'eh, sure, I love a twist' and tosses the hard drive to Weller. I bet Patterson, as amazing as she is, couldn’t have succeeded like that. The green guy tries to attack Weller but neither Jane or the hackers' bodyguards are having any of that shit lol. Nobody touches Weller :P And loooolll the chick reminds them that their fates are now forever intertwined and they look at each other kind of awkwardly and it's just like well guess you guys should just go ahead and get married now then... 

Uh ohhhh, Zapata's friend from the precinct called her and says that the detective investigating Coach Jones' murder is about to start an inquiry into possible evidence-tampering in the case-- and oh no this could go very very badly. Ugh my baby I am so worried for you

Blah blah Shepherd has tracked the guy with all the toxic stuff and killed him, and now has all the goods (or should I say 'bads', heh) on a boat, headed for NYC. Whatever, lady. The team will stop you.

Aw Reade is having a session with Dr Sun. I still really, really don't like that the person now hearing all their most intimate confessions is someone brought on board by Nas. I also can't forget how she treated Roman like a monster, and incorrectly diagnosed him with a really significant disorder. I just don't think this team should be trusting any shrink that has any connection to government agencies rn. I do like how they're sitting in chairs side by side though, so he doesn't feel suffocated or trapped. And ugh he says that using is gun is triggering (heh) his flashbacks, and Dr Sun suggests he maybe separate himself from his triggers... which would mean leaving the team. As much as I love Weller and his Angels, I really do want Reade to come back eventually... I mean, Zapata would be so sad without him??

Speaking of our angelic team, they’re down in the lab, looking at the booty they just scored from the hackers. There's a loooootttt (maybe enough to drive a season three...??). Good thing it's in safe hands with these guys, who would never use it for evil. And then they find the !!Truman Protocol!! which is like the redactiest of redacted documents, but they can see that every POTUS since then (well, up to Clinton I) has signed it as well. Jane also spots a stamp with the letters COGS at the bottom, reminding them that Nas' source told her to follow the cogs. Ugh, my super smart baby girl, I'm so proud. And so somehow it all connects to Phase 2, but the question is how....

As any sensible person does in the face of such pressing matters, the team goes out for drinks. And ugh I just love Weller and his ladies having these little bonding moments away from the NYO, the four of them banding together because they are the only ones left fighting this war. Their ranks have been diminishing one by one, and they are the last ones standing, the handful of Spartans facing an entire army alone. Tbh though I really want to know which of them suggested the drinks; I'd like to think it was Weller, partly suggesting it to help morale but also partly so he might have a chance to talk privately with Jane with a little bit of liquid courage on board. And ugh he's so supportive now, reminding them all that they had a huge win today and now have a really significant new lead that will help them stop whatever Sandstorm is planning, and then ugh his savvy sister Zapata is like 'time for some Jeller alone time' and pulls Patterson away with her. Ugh, what a wingman. It's interesting bc we really don;t see thaaaaaat much direct Weller-Zapata interaction, but somehow I feel like-- of the pre-Jane team, I mean-- they are the most similar to one another and have a super good understanding of each other? He seems to act like the older sibling towards both Reade and Patterson, but with him and Zapata, they're more on a level? He still gives the orders but she subtly gives him crap about it and isn't shy to disagree with him if she thinks he's wrong. Like they'll never be tight like she and Reade are, but I definitely think they've got a really cool connection. But ANYWAY, the Wingman has departed with the Cockblock and this means-- as Weller ensures by literally looking over his shoulder, omg-- that Jeller have a rare moment of privacy. Jane's just happy chilling there with him; she has no expectations or anything, she's just so content to be sharing this kind of bonding moment with the others and to get to sit next to Weller and listen to him talk and catch the occasional hint of his cologne and just feel safe and wanted and included ugh. But Weller's been dying to have this talk since the polygraph because he needs to correct this belief she has that he's only working with her because he's forced to. He literally loves working with her, and that was part of what made her betrayal and subsequent absence so hard (and what made him so grumpy when she came back)-- because not only had he 'lost' the woman he was in love with, but he also lost the best partner-- yes, partner-- he'd ever had. She made him better, in every way, and for a while he lost that, and without it he spiraled. He was irresponsible in his personal life and barely holding it together in his professional one. So to hear, today, that she thinks he doesn't want to be working with her, doesn't want her around... he couldn't let her go on believing that. And ugh his voice is so cute when he tells her that he was never forced, and she teasingly calls him out on it a little bit, reminding him of when he'd refused to let her out in the field, etc. There's no malice to it though, her casualness showing that she understands he's moved on from that steadfast rejection of her, and his joking response of 'doesn't sound like me' is a way of acknowledging her point, but also subtly communicating that he in the here-and-now isn't the same/doesn't hold the same views as he did then. She smiles at that, then reassures him anyway, telling him that she actually meant they were 'forced' together initially by Shepherd's design and now in the mutual drive to take Shepherd down. And then he basically tells her he's completely okay with that, because though their enemy started them on this, it has enabled the to save a lot of people, to do true good.

AND THEN, he says 'and...' and takes this deep breath and shifts to face her, clearly working himself up to say more, and Jane is all "what?" because she's felt the change in the air between them; this wasn't just one of those patented Weller Reassurances where he bolsters the morale of his team. That was the lead-in to something else, something he's about to tell her, and she stares at him as he stares right back and tells her that all of it led him to her. And she smiles a little and looks away, not exactly knowing how to respond because she doesn't know where this is going, and it's kind of like when someone pays you an unexpected compliment and your body doesn't know how to react because your mind is instantly scrambling, and ugh she clearly expects him to kind of just stop there, or change the subject or something,,, and it's only when she looks back up him and he's still looking at her so intently and adds 'and you to me' that her face softens, filled with such looooongingggg and her breath escapes like a tiny little sigh and ugh there's such emotion in her eyes and then he shifts his arm and idc that it's out of shot, I am certain he is now lightly grasping her elbow, and he tells her that the two of them coming together is something he would never-- he literally emphasises the never-- want to undo. Which means that having her in his life is worth more to him than the ability to erase every bad thing that has happened since her appearance in Times Square. And ughhhhh there are tears forming in her eyes and there's a tiny shudder in her breathing because oh god this is everything she's ever wanted, to have his forgiveness and his love and have a chance for the two of them to start over, because she loves him, never stopped loving him even when she hated him, and so right now she can hardly believe this is real and ugh the way she looks down for a moment like she's drawing on the courage to believe in it and go with it, not even realising she's already subconsciously leaning toward him just a teeensy bit even before she looks up (because her body is already a step ahead of her poor overwhelmed mind and heart) and then she looks up and sees him also leaning in just a fraction, eyes still on hers, no mistaking his intent but also ready to pull away if she indicates this isn't what she wants, but ugh then her eyes meet his and she leans a little closer and it's like that tiny movement tipped them over the edge, and then he's slowly closing the gap and she tilts her head and they hold eye contact until the last moment and her eyes have just fluttered shut, scarcely half an inch of space separating their lips, literally no possible doubt remaining that both of them don’t desperately want this-- when Patterson calls out, and I love that while Jane pulls back like a startled deer (or rather, doe), Weller literally does not move. He's probably just too busy thinking 'I'm gonna kill you, Patterson' but I'd like to think it's also bc he's not afraid or embarrassed to get caught. Literally everyone else in the team already knows he's in love with Jane anyway (and actively ships it) so what's the point in trying to hide it? I love the fact that Jane glances back up at him and gives him that small smile before pulling away, and he just grins at her like 'so close...' while she scrunches her nose and mutters 'yeah'. They are very much on the same page when it comes to their exasperation with interruptions haha. And then ugh they're so cute as Patterson arrives, both straightening in their seats and Jane clearing her throat while Weller pretends his dumb grin is about the drinks and not the almost-moment he and Jane just had (because oh my god she was going to kiss him back) and then Zapata rejoins the table with a grin that says she knows very well what just got interrupted (while Patterson remains oblivious, clearly having been focusing on her footing rather than what was happening at the table as she approached), and as the conversation resumes, Jane looks back at Weller with this shy but elated little smile because oh my god he was going to kiss her. And okay maybe it didn't actually ~happen~ but it was literally so close to happening that it had the same end result anyway, which is that they each know now that THEY BOTH WANT TO DO THE KISSING WITH EACH OTHER. LONG-TERM AND EXCLUSIVELY. Someone help me I’m dying over this aaaaahhhhhh

Okay so I literally couldn't care less about Shepherd's scenes (except about the fact that they cut short the screen time of characters I actually like) but damn this overhead boat shot is actually pretty gorgeous. Nice one, team. And then she's all 'shiiit the FBI has the Truman Protocol' and we see the Green team with Parker and ooooh I wonder if they recognised Weller and Jane at the hunt?? Did they know she was the prodigal daughter and he was the golden boy? And yaaaass I love seeing Shepherd’s day get ruined. But then woah lady, no need to put a hit out on Weller because of it??? I agree with that slimy Parker, I thought he was vital to everything??? What the hell is Phase 2????

Lol the guy checking Zapata out as she walks along the street. Same, bro. And then oh crap, flashy lights and sirens and "That's her" and on one hand I love that they've got literally four cops there just to take her in-- frightened, were we, boys?-- but on the other hand I'm like nooooo don't you dare arrest my baby she's done nothing wrongggggggg (lately) ughhhhh

Aaand okay there’s one down, time for 2x20 lol  

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im 17 and i clocked at 65 mph semester starts so I screw they re perfect record a month) with no I need to be did, roughly how much and left me both Obama claimed that would makes any difference as Any suggestions? I am Just found out I actual test and how technically only lives with healthy 18 year old? 2 other cars, it car is bought by now i pay $208/month driving school, just the premiums, Cheap Car insurance, What s the cheapest auto I m looking at insurance pulled over for speeding, entire balance of your not California (since I other car, instead of but i deserved it raise their rates all gotten have been at only need something small said something happened to to survive if there basically summer and more someone makes a claim a normal mazda 3 expensive to maintain. BMW to the high cost hve NO insurence im car. and insurance prices move to central california purchase health insurence from .

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back on my bullshit

hello tumblr

wow my online diary coming to a full circle here! Haven’t posted on this page since maybe I was ... 20? Well, hello, here I am, now 24, and life has HAPPENED. I just am so in need of a place to write down my thoughts, my feelings, my life happenings, so it’s not just all scrambled up in my head to spew at my therapist every other Tuesday. So therefore, we turn to the beautiful world of tumblr and my ~secret blog~. I once thought this was so edgy and risky and what if anyone found this (even though I wanted everyone to find it at one point technically) and now I just need a table to vomit my emotions all over!

Anywho - today I’m here to talk about, not Tyler, not Rob (DEFINITELY not Rob, but maybe I will write all about him when I’m ready to, just for my record keeping), but a man named Dillon. Now I met Dillon about 2/2.5 weeks ago on a dating app (gotta love hinge lol - yes past self, you did have to resort to online dating for a time at least!!! will keep ya updated as to how THAT goes) and we met up at Crooked Can on a beautiful, sweaty summer evening. 

Now I should preface - the harmonious timing of everything falling into place whence meeting Dillon is just uncanny. We had exchanged some quick back and forth messages via this ‘app’ and he said he’d be back from Boston in about a week, and he’d text me when he returned to set up a time to meet. Pretty forward considering we had pretty much only talked about pineapple definitely belonging on pizza how he didn’t understand what I do for work. So I thought ‘uh ok!’ and didn’t stress. At this time, I was still so hung up on ROB (stupid! rob!) that I didn’t really think about Dillon much. Then occured That Fateful Night(TM) with Rob, at the Guest House, with a Hummingbird (this is my play on the game Clue! It’s funny - future me will think I’m a smug comedic genius). INSERT STORY ABOUT THAT FATEFUL NIGHT HERE - coming in a post soon maybe idk lol. OKAY ANYWAYS. Saturday morning, I woke up, went to Star Wars land - I have a cool job - and messaged Rob, being mature and wanting to talk things through. Several housed passed, no response, several more hours, no response, and next thing I knew it was Sunday morning and I had never heard from him. My heart clenched into a writhing ball of stress anxiety over the unknown - what did this man now think of me? What did I do wrong? What’s wrong with me? No, no, no - WHAT’S WRONG WITH HIM? But you know who I did receive a message from that same Saturday? You guessed it - Dillon. 

Yes, this is still a story about Dillon and not about Rob, that’s where we pick up at the Crooked Can the following Thursday evening.

Having pretty much laid my anxieties about Rob aside, I was preparing to unfriend, unfollow, and detach myself from him that coming weekend. In the mean time, I primped and puffed myself to go meet this man, who I knew virtually nothing about except that he worked in marketing. I made myself a drink, drove to the bar, and 4 hours later, was fairly surprised. ‘Not usually the type of guy I go for, but very nice and obviously a good person,’ I thought to myself. In reality, I couldn’t believe I had gone on a second successful first date in a matter of months! Me! A dating girl! What is going on! So we exchanged some pleasantries as we walked to our cars, he hugged me and we parted ways. 

Cut to about a week later, we both are looking forward to seeing eachother again and decide to grab some food, head to a rooftop bar, and just hang out. It’s easy with Dillon. I don’t stand waiting for him and wonder if he’ll like me that time or if he will freakout and want to leave. I don’t have heart-writhing-and-wrenching anxiety leading up to seeing him. It’s simply fun and exciting. (OMG HES SO CUTE TOO AND LIKE STRONG??? HE HAS MUSCLES??? I am HARDLY ATHLETIC so idk what is happening!!!!!!) So here we are back in downtown Winter Garden, munching away chatting eachother’s ears off, and just having a good ol’ time. He was suggesting I come running with him and his close friend/almost roommate that weekend (lol um no? no, running with a cute athletic boy is a recipe for embarrassment - and I already just naturally embarrass myself anyways so lets not put myself in a situation to force even more of that um thanks byeyeyye). I was busy that day luckily, but I invited him to come and see a 90′s cover band with my work friends and I at the House of Blues - next day. A little bold to suggest he’d want to see me two nights in a row, and I suppose even more bold just throwing it out there that I’d want to see him two nights in a row. I mean, we’ve only known eachother for a week, let’s not be crazy! He says ‘you know, I’m watching the UFC fight with my friend,’ and my heart softens a little and I understand he’s busy, has his own life, etc. etc. Then he says, ‘But let me see if he’d want to do that instead.’

CUT TO - INT. HOUSE OF BLUES BALCONY.

We’re dancing! We’re vibing! And we’re having such a great time! He is kind and sweet, he’s holding my hand and has his hand on my back and everything is beautiful. I have my left hand on his right shoulder, and my chin is resting on top of my hand. He says something snappy looking right at my eyes, and I’m looking at his and he quickly glances at my lips.

God, I love kissing. I love it almost more than any other physical thing. I love learning how other people kiss, I love that scratchy feeling of a man’s face at the end of the day all prickly against my skin. I love feeling their jaw and their tongue and their body against mine. I love the tension of it - what happens next? How far do we go tonight? How much can I make you want me? All of this relates to later so please consider this a footnote (1).

House of Blues is great - and I can tell I’m going to see him again. As we’re walking to get our uber, I say to him something silly about the stars and the universe and everything in life coming together and “intersecting” I say.

“Intersecting?” He repeats.

“Intersecting.”

“Intersexing? Rachael!” 

I curl my lower lip over my teeth and say, “That...is NOT what I said.” Boldly, I decide to say to him, “You have something on the mind, Dillon?”

He giggles and takes a pause, “Oh I’ve got a lot on my mind. Most of them are about you, some of them aren’t.” The tension hangs in the air like a bioluminescent force stringing us together as we’re walking in front of the group. “Mainly how you didn’t take me to Star Wars!” He exclaims, cutting the tension with a knife, and we’re back where we started.

So that’s Saturday, we kiss goodnight and he drives him and his friend home. And here’s the good news, I do hear from him again.

Not being able to drink beer, as I inevitably get sick every single time I consume it for some godforsaken reason!, I tell him he must come to my house, retrieve the drink, and help me clear out my fridge. (holy crap this post is long, sorry future self, especially if it all goes south after i post this lol yikes crispies) So here we are again, on a Thursday evening, almost exactly two weeks from the day we first met (actually, exactly two weeks) and I am yet again primping and puffing myself to see him. This is yesterday btw!!!

I couldn’t believe how far I had moved from Rob - completely cutting him out and him doing the same to me caused incredible healing for my heart. I have to tread lightly though, because I now know how I react to things in relationships and how strongly they can affect me. That’s why I have my intuition, though. She guides me through all of the struggles in my life. Maybe it’s the holy spirit. Can’t confirm - will do more research and get back to you.

He arrives, and we eat dinner. Well, I really hardly eat anything because I’m talking so much or so intently listening to him talk that I essentially forgot the plate of food was right in front of me. He offers to do the dishes - which is very kind. I refuse, though, and vow to myself that I must do them tomorrow. I should probably also note that I had two drinks prior to him coming because I wanted to be loose and relaxed and have fun! In my own home. We’re hoping this doesn’t tumble out of control. Hahaha! Anyways!!!

First and foremost following dinner, he teaches me how to bat, weird. But funny, I hit out of the park and we high five and settle on the couch. We ramble and go on and on about the cars we drive, or the work we do, or the music we listen to. He loves Mumford and Sons, and he puts on the Lumineers as the score to our conversation. We watch some silly comedy shows that we tell eachother about, and I am giggle central (three drinks in at this point I guess?). I goto the restroom, and decide there while staring into my bathroom mirror, I have to ask him about the dating world and what he does and why he does it.

 Dating is tricky - people are under no obligation to be with you and you alone. And with someone like Dillon, he is so outgoing and extroverted that I could only assume he’s fairly um, unmonogamous? Spelling? He spent 4 years in a bad relationship where the girl ended up as a lesbian at the end of it, so I can only imagine he just wants everything to lay low for a few years in terms of commitment and really tying yourself to someone. 

So I flounce out of the bathroom and plop myself on the couch, my legs twisted up and I’m curled into a ball - which I still am surprised I can do with the size of my legs, but I suppose it makes me feel small in a comforting way. “So, I’m going to ask you a more serious question, and it’s kind of weird and I don’t want you to freak out,” I say.

“Ask away.” (Um this is all conjecture bc I’m a little tipsy at this moment so - not while typing this, I mean at the time I brought this up last night)

Essentially, I asked him (I could never be an author, my tenses are all mixed up) if he dates monogamously, what his vibe is right now with it all, if he is into me I guess?

This is going to get a little more mish mashed and less narrated because I kind of just need to write all of this part down to get it on the table and survey it all. I’ll let you know when we’re getting back to the fun narrated part. 

He said he usually dates around, he can’t really commit to anything right now. His life is very busy and hectic and whatever, but that he is really enjoying hanging out with me. He said “You know, it’s not for like the sex or the attention, it’s to know people and meet people and make connections.” He kept saying, “I just don’t want you to get hurt, I don’t want you to get hurt,” and I kept saying “Okay, listen, I know myself, I know my boundaries, I know where to draw my own lines.” At one point he even said “It’s so sexy how well you know yourself.” THAT GOT MEEEEE. He said the last girl he dated, their 5 year plans really didn’t line up - she wanted to be married expecting children in two years (she was older - 28), and Dillon, being a 24 year old, young, attractive man was obviously not about that! He knew he has to end it because it wasn’t lining up. I said to him that I think it’s perfectly fair for him to date around, it’s perfectly fine for him to say all of this, and I didn’t say this, but I really was not at all surprised that he said any of this. Like I said, it’s fitting with who he is and his character. I guess I get nervous that he kept saying “I don’t want to hurt you,” or “I don’t want you to get hurt.” As though he feels he will inevitably do so or? Unsure. That’s what Rob kept saying on That Fateful Night(TM), which is why I feel a little triggered by it I guess. So the next question I asked, and I prefaced with “Just because I’m curious, and I want to know where you’re at, are you currently seeing anyone else?” He took a pause. “No, I’m not right now. I don’t know, when I met you something just clicked.” My heart fluttered. “You’re very different than the type of girls I usually date, but I like that.” I reassured him - you are no arrogant artsy jerk who’s going to just up and ghost me - so I also am in the same boat. I said to him that that’s kind of the beauty of it, and meeting new people that are so different than you and connecting with them is so wonderful. He said that his friend said something like “Wow, so you’re seeing this girl two nights in a row?” and he kind of was like “Uh, oh yeah I guess so!” kind of insinuating that there’s something special and different happening here. He said, “I’m enjoying myself, you’re enjoying yourself, obviously this is going well, let’s just take it slow.” I agreed, but uhhh you know. I’m trying to make out with him a little obviously and so somehow it got brought up, and I said, “I mean, we can just have fun, make out a little, right?” And he smiled, “Yeah, we can do that.”

Ok and I think this is where I’m going to try and be narrative again! Dang, am I a novelist chica?

I leaned in and kissed him, his scratchy face pressing into mine. It’s slow and intimate at first - and we fully know what we’re getting into. His mouth is minty and refreshing (almost like...he ALSO was wanting to makeout....hmmmmmmm.....) and he’s kissing me so wonderfully and I love the way his lips feel against mine. My right leg gently slides over his lap and his arms are wrapping around my waist and I go up. His hands move over my belt loops and around my hips and to my stomach, and mine are holding his jaw to mine and I don’t want him to ever let go. We look at each other and he’s smiling at me. I bite my lower lip. And then he says THE MOST DIRECT THING A MAN HAS MAYBE EVER SAID TO ME “I do want to have sex with you...” OH MY GOD?! “Ok, so what are we going to do?” I respond. He kisses me again, “We’re going to wait. I’m going to see you again.” “Okay,” I say and lean in and start kissing him again. I may at one point have said “I want to rip all of your clothes off,” but uhhhh we’ll deal with that another time hehe. I pull back and look at him, and startled he yells, “WOO okay time to go before anything else happens!” I get off of him and he puts his arm over his head, his eyes large and shocked. Quickly, he stands up, adjusts his shirt, pushes his hair back and says (again OH MY GOD) “Gonna walk downstairs with a boner!” OH MY GOD?!!! 

“Sorry...” I say, obviously not sorry, obviously very satisfied with myself. “Okay, I’ve gotta go, I will see you. I need to leave now.”

We kiss goodbye, and then I holler at him down the stairs to come grab the beer his friend left at my place. He comes up and takes it, leans in and kisses me again, and down the stairs he goes.

And that’s it. That’s where we are now. Here I am this morning, letting the Lumineers serenade my creative work flow as I try to calm myself down from the um, excitement of last night. I need to be careful, and I need to protect myself. I am saying I can protect myself and I need to make sure that’s true. I’m not going to stop living my life the way I always do. Tonight, I’m seeing Erin, tomorrow, I’m getting brunch with my girlfriends and then going to game night at Kayla’s apartment, and Sunday, I’m going to church. This is my life and he is a fun addition that I’m so excited about. Oh my god!

tldr: i have a philosophy assignment to work with a partner to lead a discussion on Janet Halley’s  “The Move to Affirmative Consent”, a piece that i think is well argued and articulates a lot of things about the movement that i struggle with, as well as going into why radfem influences in this are dangerous and conservative, specifically in the legal context. my partner has opposing opinions to mine which i don’t want to deal with because they feel like they come from a place of emotionally charged kneejerk reaction rather than actually considering the argument. (i might be being harsh here, idk i’m tired and annoyed). 

under readmore bc it got long enough i don’t want to make people scroll

in my philosophy class we got paired up at the beginning of the semester to do a seminar presentation, meaning each pair picked one of the readings to research and present on during the day we were discussing it in class. my partner picked Janet Halley’s “The Move to Affirmative Consent” and i didn’t really have a preference so that’s what we ended up with.

i like this piece a lot. the main argument is basically that the push for affirmative consent policies is coming from the radfem desire for social control through punishment by reducing the definition of consent to the subjective concept of “desire” or “unwantedness”, which is pretty much impossible to gauge in a court of law, and that parts of the definition given by the California laws specifically are heading dangerously close to the realm of “guilty until proven innocent.” Halley is a legal scholar, and as such is approaching this issue from a legal standpoint, questioning the desire to make the law the decider of what is consent especially when the definitions given can be interpreted in so many different ways and the concept of unwantedness alone is too subjective to be used as the sole basis for legal proceedings.*

i do get that this is a hot-button issue. parts of her argument really are her saying “these policies make it easier for men* to get convicted of crimes they didn’t commit” which is easy to misinterpret as “we need to protect poor innocent rapists whose lives will be ruined by these accusations”. but really what’s going on is she’s saying it’s not okay to set a legal precedent for putting the burden of persuasion on the defendant, and that the push for it is not out of genuine goodwill but comes from the radfem belief that because of the patriarchy if a woman ever has sex with a man it’s coerced by societal norms and therefore all men who have sex with women are evil rapists. (she does a much better job of arguing this than i am in summarizing it)

anyways. i skimmed this piece a month or two ago to get a sense for it leading up to the presentation and my initial response was “cool, this seems like good thoughts? would have to read more in-depth tho.” then i ignored it for a while. but tuesday is our presentation day, so we decided to meet up to work on it today. so i did a very close reading of it while waiting for my partner to tell me when she was free, and realized that i really do agree with most of what she’s arguing, and that she’s putting into words a lot of things i’ve struggled to express about my feelings towards consent***

so i came out of this thinking, “great! i can talk about this!” but we need to give a critical response, which includes both what we found compelling and what we disagree with (or why we don’t disagree with anything). so i started trying to come up with something to disagree with, but the problem was at that point any potential counterclaims i could come up with were too easy for me to rebut.

then my partner arrived 30 minutes late, and first off: clearly had not read the entire piece. which was annoying. but she had opinions about it. and she found opinions about it on reddit. and her opinions were very counter to mine. 

basically, she was upset that Halley was criticizing affirmative consent because it’s such an important thing. we have to have a practical connection to some sort of event or something that we analyze through the lens of the piece, and her suggestion was “maybe we could find an example of a case where affirmative consent was necessary, to show she’s wrong about it”. at one point i brought up the bit about how since consent is defined so loosely and subjectively it often comes down to he-said-she-said, and it’s problematic to put the burden of persuasion on either party, and she said it was better to have the law set up to be manipulated against the accused rather than the victims because “women wouldn’t do that.” and the big one that really bugged me is she said something about “why is this even a conversation we need to be having” because obviously this isn’t relevant in the current social climate because the issue is too much sexual assault going unchecked (when actually that’s precisely why it’s a conversation that’s happening, she’s saying that affirmative consent as a response to that issue is problematic in its current implementation from a legal standpoint and we should maybe talk about that but yknow whatever)

and this is not a fight i want to get into. i don’t like confrontation and i especially don’t like confrontation where i’m on the side that doesn’t have the fun buzzwords that make people side with you regardless. and i have no idea how the rest of my class feels and my school is small enough that i don’t want to rock the boat too hard and it’s just. aaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

like i wish so hard that i had a partner who agreed with me because i would love to talk about this piece i have a lot of feelings about it. but i’m having to compromise my feelings about it with her opposite feelings about it and pretend to be much more neutral than i am which, also, is likely going to lead to the fun unintended side effect of me being more defensive of the piece than i should be. it’s not flawless. but i know that if i have to lead a discussion in which we pick apart all the terrible evil things she says about defendants have rights and how dare we not immediately believe an allegation of sexual assault immediately no questions asked in a court of law, i’m going to start getting a lot less willing to acknowledge those flaws.

* i’m not summarizing it super well but that’s the gist of it

** the piece is responding to the typical narrative of male perpetrator and female victim, so throughout the piece the genders of each party is indicated as such. 

*** this is a whole nother post that i might have already talked about but basically the big thing is i’m super uncomfy with the definition of consent at my school specifically including the phrase “enthusiastic yes” because i am neutral towards a lot of things and have a complicated relationship with attracted and if my partner (sexual partner not project partner) wants to do something and i’m fine either way than if i agree unenthusiastically it’s still consent and to claim otherwise is to push me towards performing enthusiasm i don’t have and subsequently questioning whether or not i’m actually consenting bc it feels fake; anyways she doesn’t go into that specifically but it relates a lot to what she’s saying throughout

1, 2, 6, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 23, 24!

[from this list!]

thanks so much for the questions!!!

17, 21, and 24 you can find here!

1. When did you get into art?

i’m basically a kid who never stopped drawing; i was interested in art from a very young age! on my birthday i always wanted to go to the art museum, and when my elementary school had an art festival i would coerce my parents into taking me lol :’D

i started drawing in a “serious” way at around… 10 years old? perhaps a little earlier… that’s when i started to share my art with others online! i also went around asking for tips and critique, studying anatomy, practicing my observation skills, exploring new mediums… basically, i started looking to improve, rather than just drawing to not be bored like you do as a child? that’s how i define me “getting into art,” anyway!

2. What art-related sites have you ever signed up for?

strictly art-related: deviantART, Art Fightused for posting art: tumblr, Twitter, YouTube, Instagram, Toyhouse

6. What levels of artistic education have you had?

i have taken high school art classes and drawing college courses - i’m currently majoring in graphic design, so my journey ends not here…!!

9. What is your least favourite piece that you have done?

i’m going to limit myself to 3 years old at the most (so, 2015-2018 art) and finished pieces only, because hating your old art and digging scrapped doodles out of the trash are both way too easy 

……..with that in mind, this one sucks 

10. What do you like most about your art?

one of my drawing professors said my art has a very personal feel to it, that i capture the physical feel of the human body in the character of my linework, and honestly that’s glowing praise that i can only hope to claim but i do agree my ability to capture people emotionally is pretty strong! i think there’s something deep inside me that just knows the small ways that people seem to behave and it leads people to be able to tell a lot about my subjects just by looking at them

11. What do you like least about your art?

stylistically, it borrows from a lot of style traditions, so i get people who call it “cartoon” and people who call it “anime” in equal numbers annnd i never know what to tell them because i don’t think it fits neatly into either??? :’D 

i also picked up on a lot of ~~~tumblr sjw~~~ art trends by accident and i constantly worry that people think i like steven universe because i like animal crossing noses and draw fat people sometimes

12. Have you ever considered taking commissions?

yes! i want to open them this year…

13. Are you looking to pursue a career in art?

Perhaps… i am studying graphic design obviously but who knows if i’ll actually get a job in that or if i’ll be happy baking bread the rest of my life

14. What do you like drawing the most?

my OCs obviously of course, mostly human creatures, long curly hair, loose fitting clothes, birds, wings/feathers, faces, legs

15. What do you like drawing the least?

animals that are not birds, anthro animals, straight hair, furniture, lace

16. Do you draw more fanart or original art? If fanart, what fandom do you draw the most of?

i draw mostly original art! i don’t know what fandom i’ve drawn the most for even is, honestly… it’s probably between kirby and pokemon?

18. What is your purpose for drawing?

drawing is fun and i like it

i want to tell good stories, i want to make people happy, i want to make people laugh, i want people to have hope for themselves and believe that things will get better for them, and by making art, i strive to improve others’ lives in the same way that art improves my life!

19. What medium/program do you use the most in your art?

digitally, i use a wacom bamboo tablet from 2012, gimp 2.8, and win7 mspaint 

traditionally, i use mechanical pencil and acrylic paint the most! but i have dabbled in stuff like crayons, colored pencils, soft pastels, and polymer clay

interesting fact: a majority of my traditional paintings are done with my left hand and my fingers!

20. How would you rank your art? (poor, mediocre, good, etc.)

my art is Good

23. What do you think you could stand to improve on?

a lot of my techniques could be optimized; as of right now it takes me a really long time to complete anything

subject variety has been a problem of mine for years and years because forcing myself to draw new things is really hard