#Freddy Carter fic
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Hesitate : Freddy Carter x Reader
8.4k wc
Part of Love of a Lifetime Mini-Series
For full warnings and description, see mini-series masterlist
Freddy ran his hand down his face as he yawned. As he rubbed the sleep from his eyes, he slowly made his way to the master bathroom. He half-expected y/n to be in there, likely having just woken up herself. So, he was slightly surprised to see she’d seemingly woken up quite some time before; as he’d been on his phone in their bed for a bit upon first awakening and she wasn’t in the bathroom either.
Once he’d freshened up in the bathroom, Freddy ventured out to their living room. His calm and soft footsteps soon turned into frantic stomps against their wooden flooring upon hearing what sounded like y/n’s shaky breathing. He’d barely made it to the edge of the room before his heart seized in his chest as he saw her. Why was his fiancée in such a distressed state?!
Freddy’s worried eyes scanned y/n for any visible explanation for her state. She’d seemingly been pacing their living room while still in her wrinkled pajamas with her hair tousled. Only, Freddy could tell it wasn’t bed head, y/n had clearly been running her hands through her hair for awhile. Not wanting to scare her as she hadn’t shown any sign that she noticed his presence, Freddy cautiously walked over to where she was pacing.
As he crossed to the other side of their coffee table, Freddy moved to stand in front of y/n. He brought his hands up and gently wrapped them around her forearms as he tried to guide her into lowering her arms from her face and hands from her hair. The sight of y/n’s frazzled and teary eyes made Freddy’s hands shake slightly as he went to move them so he could direct her gaze towards him.
The violently rapid thumping in y/n’s chest slowed faintly as Freddy entered into her blurry vision. She blinked repeatedly as she tried to make sense of the situation. Her fiancé Freddy was still in bed, wasn’t he? The warmth of Freddy’s hands seeped into y/n’s clammy cheeks as his sapphire eyes pierced their way through the fog of her mind while she slowly came back to the present moment. “Y/n,” Freddy’s warm honey-coated voice cooed quietly into her ear. The sound cut through the noise in y/n’s head, helping her become fully present.
Freddy watched as y/n’s gaze slowly shifted into a less distant state. He silently waited for her to reacclimate herself to her surroundings. He easily detected the precise moment y/n realized he was standing in front of her, his hands cupping her face. It pleased Freddy to see her reconnect to reality instead of wherever her mind had been off spinning. Yet, it simultaneously pained him because as she did, she promptly let out a choked sob.
Y/n futilely tried to dry her face, pulling back from her fiancé’s loving embrace. She aggressively rubbed her inflamed cheeks with her clammy hands. She felt Freddy cautiously take hold of them as he lowered them from her face. God, she loved him. So much. But why did he have to see her in this state?! How long had she been spiraling into her internal turmoil? It had been the early hours of the morning when she’d crawled out of bed and ventured out here to isolate and not wake him up. Yet, he was here now and wide awake.
“D-di-did I wa-ake you?” Y/n asked, her voice dry. She swallowed thickly to stop the scratching and burning sensation in her throat. She stared at Freddy through her teary eyes, a deep sense of guilt storming inside her.
“No,” Freddy replied swiftly, shaking his head reassuringly. He tenderly shushed y/n as he stroked the backs of her hands. He could read the guilt in her eyes and was desperate to shut it down before she could spiral again.
“Okay,” y/n croaked. She wriggled her stuffy nose to keep from crying. “Good,” she murmured softly before pasting on a tiny fake smile.
Freddy effortlessly read through y/n’s attempts to act as if he’d not just walked in on whatever she was trying to work through on her own. “I wouldn’t have minded if you did, love,” he reminded her sweetly, stepping closer to shorten the distance between them. “In fact,” he continued, moving their intertwined hands to a more comfortable position in the lessened space between their chests. “I’d have preferred you to wake me up, instead of trying to hide whatever’s happening,” Freddy informed y/n as tenderly as he could.
Y/n hung her head instantly. “Sorry,” she whimpered. She unconsciously squeezed Freddy’s hands as her body tightened in response to her raging emotions.
Freddy frowned at y/n’s reaction. He sighed whisperingly. “It’s okay love, I’m just-,” he began, trying to reassure her that he hadn’t been offended.
Y/n quickly shook her head as she lifted her gaze up from the floor. She pulled her hands back from Freddy’s hold on them. She then shifted her arms so she could grip the hem of her clothes as her hands formed fists at her sides. “No, it’s not,” y/n argued angrily. “That’s just it. It’s not okay.”
“What?” Freddy questioned, his brows slightly furrowed in confusion. His eyes scanned y/n’s body language in search of an explanation as to what was going on. “What’s not okay?” He asked softly.
Y/n silently shook her head, unable to speak. Each attempt to breathe resulted in a rumbling in her chest. Her eyes watered more as she went back to staring off into space. She couldn’t do this right now. It was too much.
“Darling,” Freddy gasped faintly as he watched y/n’s distant gaze return. “Please talk to me,” he pleaded, reaching for her hands. “What-whatever’s happening, we’ll get through it, together.” “Just let me help, please,” Freddy begged as he took hold of y/n’s trembling hands.
“No, no, no,” y/n rambled quietly. “You shouldn’t have to!” She tore her hands back before running them down her face. “I’m, I’m,” y/n cried, “so sorry, Fr-Freddy. I-I-“.
Freddy gaped at his fiancée, shocked by her uncharacteristic behavior. “Woah, woah, woah,” he mumbled with wide eyes. “‘ey,” Freddy whispered as he tried to step closer to y/n. Only for her to step back, away from him; causing a foreign stabbing pain in his chest. “Okay,” he whispered slowly as he stepped back. Freddy wanted to make it clear he was accepting her choice to not have physical contact right now. He had to push down his desire to do more for her before he could get himself to step back further. He then walked backwards until he reached their lounge chair. The whole time, Freddy was watching y/n closely. Only once he was seated across the room from her, did he speak again. “I need you to talk to me.” Freddy took a deep breath as he forced himself to ignore the urge to rush over to her and hold her to his chest as she shook before him. “I can’t have you in this state and not know why,” he expressed kindly.
Y/n fanned herself with her hand in a pointless attempt to cool her flushed face. “I-I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” she whimpered as she saw the concern covering Freddy’s face. The concern she caused.
Freddy quickly grimaced. He hated whatever was causing his dear fiancée to be so distressed. He shook his head, “you don’t need to apologize”. Freddy frowned as he watched y/n mindlessly pick at her skin. “Just tell me what is on your mind, darling”.
“I can’t though!” Y/n blurted loudly. The force of her voice startled herself slightly. She looked down and noticed she’d pinched her arm as she’d tensed. Not caring about the half-moon indents on her forearm, she continued her rambling. “See I’m not good at that!” Y/n pointed out defeatedly. “That’s just it!” She cried out, her voice sharp and fast.
Freddy squinted at y/n as he tried to read between the lines. “What do you mean?” He asked, hoping for further details as to what was troubling her. He was pleased to see that they were slowly getting somewhere. But, Freddy didn’t dare point that out to her in fear it might make her shut down again.
“I-“ y/n’s voice cracked as her mind argued with her over whether or not to confess the worries circulating in her mind. “Freddy-“ she sobbed as she forced herself to look over at him. The action resulted in her bursting into more tears. She quickly looked away as she began pulling on her hair. “I-… I can’t do this,” y/n whimpered.
Freddy gripped the armrests of the lounge chair. “Do what?” He wondered aloud. “Talk to me?” Freddy sighed lowly, “since when, love?”.
Y/n hiccuped loudly as she shook her head rapidly. “No, no, no, I-,” she dragged her hands down her damp face, leaving faint lines in her fingers’ path. “Fuck. I-…” y/n spoke, voice uneven and jagged. It took a tremendous amount of effort to make herself speak the words on her mind. And even when they did finally leave her mouth, they were so rushed she wasn’t sure it made any sense. “Ican’tmarryyoubecauseI’mnotenoughforyou,” y/n explained, the twisting grip-like sensation on her heart increasing. “ButIwanttomarryyousobadlyandIwanttobeenoughbutI’mnot,” she cried with defeat. She wanted to be, and she would always try to be, but y/n feared it wasn’t possible. No matter how hard she knew she’d try and no matter what she did or how worthy she became, she’d never truly be worthy enough for him. “ButIdon’twanttoloselyoueither and-I-“ y/n confessed, her guilt echoed in her tone.
Freddy blinked slowly as he tried to make sense of the fury of words that just left y/n’s mouth all within a matter of seconds. “Woah, slow down, start over, what?” He asked in a whisper. Try as he might, her response still hit him as an incoherent and slurred rush of words.
“No, damnit… “ y/n mumbled, mostly to herself. She felt her face grow even warmer as she battled with herself. Her facial features scrunched tightly together as she cried over the painful thoughts in her mind. “Neither…” y/n told herself quietly, “neither way feels right”. “Des-deservemoreand-” she gushed before her mind switched arguments, “loveyoumorethananything”.
Freddy sat frozen, uncertain how to approach the situation. He couldn’t make out half of what y/n was saying. He listened to her trailing off as she mumbled something about choices. Focusing on the only part he knew he’d heard correctly, Freddy decided to start there. “What doesn’t feel right?” Freddy asked worriedly.
Y/n couldn’t get herself to look at Freddy, her guilt feeling far too heavy. She tried to take a few shallow breaths as her whole body felt off. Before she could stop it, her knees buckled under her and she fell to the ground.
Freddy shot out of his chair to come to y/n’s aid. His frantic eyes roamed over her as he sprinted across the room. When she didn’t move away and just caved in on herself even more, he dropped down to her level.
Freddy felt like he was truly in the dark, he had no idea what was happening. All he knew was that y/n was deeply struggling and he hated to not know why nor how to help. Freddy did the only thing he could think of and wrapped his arms around his fiancée’s frame. He held her shaking body, slowly resting his head atop hers when she unconsciously leaned against him while crying.
Y/n noticed she couldn’t smell Freddy’s familiar scent due to the amount of snot she’d accumulated during her sobbing. Needing to feel more connected to him right now, she pressed herself into his chest needingly. She allowed herself a moment of comfort as Freddy’s hands rubbed her back and shoulders lovingly. Only, y/n’s relentless worries didn’t let the moment last long. “No, no, no,” y/n mumbled as she suddenly leaned back; away from Freddy. “I can’t le-let you,…“ she whispered in a broken tone. “You-you can’t keep doing this.”
Freddy squinted in confusion as y/n slid across the floor away from him. He stared into her widened eyes as he continued to search for understanding. “Do-doing what?” Freddy asked diplomatically.
“Treating me so ni-nice-ly,” y/n answered with a shake of her head.
Freddy feel a sickening sadness settle into his bones. Why did y/n want him to stop being nice to her? And why was it resulting in her current despair?
“I don’t… don’t.. I don’t, I don’t des-deserve… deserve it,” y/n stuttered, wiping the wet drop hanging off the tip of her nose.
Freddy gaped widely, in complete bewilderment and sadness. Y/n didn’t deserve for him to be nice to her? What was she talking about?! Y/n didn’t deserve to be feeling this way. She did deserve his kindness though. Hell, she deserves more than anything he could offer. Before Freddy could compose his thoughts enough to form a coherent response, he heard y/n resume her rambling.
“I - I can’t… c-can’t m-m-ma-“ y/n sobbed. She curled inwards on herself, her head tucked to her chest and calves tightly pinched against her thighs. “I c-can’t marry y-you,” y/n forced out. She pressed a hand against her lips as some bile rose in her mouth in response to the words.
Freddy’s face blanched instantly. “W-wh-what?” He stuttered, eyes burning. “You….” He breathed heavily as he fought against the new tears in his eyes. “Y-you don’t… you don’t want to marry me anymore?” Freddy asked, voice wavering in time with his panic.
Y/n peeked up at Freddy with one eye, unable to fully face the state of the man she loved hearing her sudden declaration. She shook her head aggressively. “I do- wan-want to-…” she promised, the guilt increasing the acid reflux she was facing. “Ijustcan’t. Not whenyoudeserevesomuchmore,” y/n gushed, “Iknowyouwillsayyoudon’tbutthatswhyIhaveto”. Hating herself and the hauntingly torturous thoughts in her mind, y/n sobbed and unconsciously scratched at her arms. “That’s what feels wrong. Either way feels wrong,” she rambled, her racing thoughts desperate to be spoken aloud for once. “Cause-“ y/n sobbed and tugged on the collar of her now-seemingly-tight shirt. “I -I…I…I- I w-wa-… I want to marry you,” she confessed, risking a glance up at Freddy as he sat patiently a few feet from her. “Bu-but-but…. I-I.. I c-can’t,” y/n sighed loudly, followed by a small strangled whimper.
Freddy calmed some upon hearing y/n reassure him that she wanted to marry him. But, he still couldn’t understand why she supposedly couldn’t marry him. Surely whatever the reason was, they could find a solution. Right? “Wh-why?” Freddy croaked. He cleared his throat and tried to slowly scoot across the floor towards her. “Darling, did… did I do something?” Freddy asked remorsefully.
“No! God, no!” Y/n exclaimed quickly, her wide eyes piercing into his confused ones. “Fuck, see!” she groaned, “This is why!”. She forcefully rubbed her face dry and shakingly pushed herself up from the floor.
Freddy instantaneously copied y/n’s movements. He neared her slightly in anticipation that he’d need to help keep her balance as she stood.
“I - I keep messing things up-“ y/n pointed out, staring at Freddy’s bare feet as he moved towards her.
Freddy frowned deeply, his forehead creasing in response. “Love, what’re you…” he sighed softly. “What happened?” Freddy inquired, still desperate for an explanation as to why she was suddenly so upset. He needed to know what was going on in her mind. Once he knew, he could help her.
“I can’t even speak right, I can’t can’t get my- my words out,” y/n complained. Ironically, she then interpreted herself with a different train of thought. “I…C-can’t offer, like the …umm,” she mumbled, “and you deserve-“.
Seeing that y/n was starting to ramble incoherent nonsense, Freddy sighed softly. “Darling,” Freddy spoke in a balanced tone as he cautiously stepped closer. He pleaded with his eyes for her not to back away. When Freddy saw y/n was complying with his unspoken request, he neared her the rest of way. Finally close enough to touch her again, he slowly brought his hands up until he cupped her face. Freddy stared into her dewy y/e/c eyes. “I need you to take a deep breath, please.”
Y/n nodded stiffly as she tried to breathe for Freddy. Her eyes darted around his face. The loving and compassionate nature of his gaze made her heart twist aggressively in her chest. “It doesn’t feel right,” she whimpered vaguely.
Freddy felt his heartbeat beating faster but forced himself to try to remain calm. “Marrying me doesn’t feel right?” He asked, voice strained. Yet, despite his fluttering voice and heart, his eyes were glued on y/N’s.
Y/n shook her head as she glanced away. “Y-you….” she whispered in a brittle voice. “I can’t- I can’t give you the wedding or the life you des-deserve and like I-,” y/n expressed, tears streaming steadily down her cheeks.
“Woah, woah, nuh-uh, pause for a moment, love,” Freddy rushed out frantically. He tilted y/N’s head until she was forced to look at him again. “What in the world are you going on about?” He huffed. “You’re ev-everything to me,” Freddy argued breathily.
Y/n trembled as she stared into Freddy’s far too sincere eyes. “That’s the problem. I -I can’t believe that you-you love me like you do,” she gushed with a whine. “You-you deserve to be-… you deserve someone who can give you everything and that’s… that’s not me”. Y/n grimaced as her voice cracked loudly during her statement.
Freddy stared, baffled over the situation. “Y/n, you’re not hearing me.” He tried to keep his voice comforting despite his determination to correct this train of thought quickly. “You are everything, love,” he whispered, fingers gently pressing into her cheeks over his need for her to understand. “Please, don’t-,” Freddy began softly.
Y/n yet again shook her head. “I-I…” she whimpered as she stepped back from Freddy’s hold. “I want more for you.”
The confession sent an aching pain through both of their hearts.
“Y/n-,” Freddy whined quietly as he moved closer.
“No,” y/n said in a voice that was somehow firm yet weak. The tone matched her conflicting viewpoints and emotions perfectly. “I-… Freddy,” y/n spoke lightly as she took a deep breath to compose herself enough to look at him. “I..I love you,” she cried, “so much but…”. “But…,” she shook her head again, but her gaze stayed on him. “I don’t-,” her voice cracked as she sniffled, “I don’t know how to do this.”
Freddy’s brows wriggled in confusion as his head tilted faintly to the left. “Do what?” He asked.
“Marriage,” y/n answered, “Freddy; marriage.” She blinked past the tears clouding her vision as she focused on Freddy’s loving gaze. “I don’t… I don’t know how to be a good wife or-,” she began nervously. She wasn’t even sure where to start explaining her incompetence.
“Oh, love,” Freddy cried out quietly. He shook his head as he neared y/n again. He promptly took hold of her frantically trembling hands. “I’m not looking for a good wife, whatever that even entails,” Freddy promised affectionately. “I’m just looking to spend the rest of my life with you,” he clarified devotedly.
Y/n’s lip shook as she willed herself to stop crying emotions to have a proper conversation. “I’m gonna-gonna mess it up,” she declared weakly, her saddened eyes stuck on Freddy’s comforting blue ones.
Freddy furrowed his brow slightly. He wordlessly pulled y/n’s fingers away from her palms before he ran his thumb over the now-irritated skin. His frown grew at the feeling of the crescent moon indents on her soft skin from having been clenching her fists so tightly. “Mess what up?” Freddy questioned calmly as his thumb continued to try to smooth out the skin on her palms.
Freddy barely heard the squeaked response y/n gave him. But, the weak, “us,” she offered in answer to his question still caused a small hitch in his breathing. Why was y/n so certain she would mess up their relationship? She’d always gone above and beyond for him and for them. Where was this coming from? Freddy knew she oftentimes felt like she wasn’t enough in a general sense. But, he didn’t know that applied to her feelings about their relationship as well. Was this new? Was it only now that he’d proposed marriage that she felt inadequate? Or had she always felt that way and he just never knew? Freddy sincerely hoped it wasn’t the later. Well, he hoped it wasn’t the case at all. But, if that wasn’t possible, he at least hoped it was a new feeling for her and that he could stop it immediately.
Freddy’s head tilted unconsciously as he gazed at his fiancée lovingly. He didn’t know how to shut this down, but he needed to. She deserved to know that whatever had her thinking this was false. In order to get to the bottom of it, Freddy decided to ask for clarification. “What do you mean? Why do you say that, darling?”
“Cause I… “ y/n trailed off. She freed one of her hands and ran it down her face as she worked to stay calm. She nearly lost her composure again when Freddy took her hand back and kissed the backside of it supportively. Y/n focused on his encouraging stare, using it as a tether to some semblance of strength. “I- I don’t have-have-,” she mumbled, voice shaking profusely.
Freddy saw how much y/n was still trembling. He also heard the way her voice kept cracking and how shallow her breathing was. He frowned. “Hold on,” Freddy cooed, guiding y/n over to their couch. Once they’d reached the edge of the sofa, he silently signaled for her to sit with him. Freddy smiled lightly, pleased when y/n did so without hesitation. He reached one hand let to her head and slowly brushed some disheveled hair away from her sweaty forehead. Freddy leaned over and pressed his lips against her forehead silently. His lips easily tasted the saltiness of her skin, bringing him back to the matter at hand. “I’m going to get you some water, then we’ll keep talking this out, okay?” Freddy asked rhetorically as he stood up to make his way to their kitchen.
Y/n watched her fiancé as he stood above her at the edge of the couch. Her tears fell silently at the loving look he was giving her despite what she was them through right now. She took a shaky breath as Freddy wordlessly dried her tears with a look of understanding and deep empathy. Y/n nodded her head that he could do what he felt he needed to do, knowing it was the least she could offer him.
After Freddy had forced Y/n to sip on some water, he took the glass back from her and set it on the coffee table beside them. “Alright,” he whispered, intertwining their hands. “Now, darling, what’s going on?” Freddy questioned vaguely, letting her guide the conversation.
Y/n bit her lip as she tried to form a coherent answer. “I don’t…,” she sighed, “Freddy…”. Y/n squeezed his hand tightly for support. “I don’t have… I’ve never had.. umm a… I grew up in a… in a broken….”. Y/n puffed her cheeks in frustration as she groaned. “I don’t know what a good-….”. She nearly became overwhelmed with frustration towards herself until she felt Freddy lovingly squeezing her hand. She knew it was him patiently signaling for her to take her time finding the right words. Using his advice, y/n finally found the words she needed to express her worry. “I’ve never had an example of a healthy marriage”.
Freddy hummed in realization. He knew about y/n’s upbringing, of course. But, not once had he ever considered it to be problematic when it came to their own relationship. Yet, Freddy could understand why she might feel apprehensive about the whole ordeal given what she’d been through and witnessed.
“I don’t know what… what that looks like,” y/n admitted bashfully. “Or… err… uh., how to do that. Every, every marriage I’ve seen has either ended in divorce or a toxic relationship people just stuck with.” She frowned as a stray tear escaped her eye despite her best efforts to keep them at bay. “And-… I… I don’t want that for us, for you,” y/n expressed remorsefully.
Freddy quickly squeezed both of her hands lovingly. “It won’t be,” he vowed affectionately. He noticed y/n was about to protest his declaration. “I know, you’re going to say I can’t possibly know that, but..” Freddy paused to gaze into her blissfully familiar eyes. “Darling, I know us. We can, and have, worked through anything; we just have to talk, love.”
Y/n sniffled and slowly broke eye contact with Freddy. She hung her head in shame. “I’m not good at that,” she whimpered. “Clearly,” she added humorlessly as she waved her hand around.
Freddy stopped y/n’s flailing hand, holding it tighter to him. “You’re doing it, love,” he pointed out diplomatically. “I know it’s not easy, but you’re still doing it. We just have to get you to remember that you don’t have to hide things from me,” Freddy explained, formulating a plan to best address these issues. “Even if you’re worried it’ll upset me. As, I’d rather we face it together,” he told her tenderly.
Y/n sniffled. “You shouldn’t have to remind me of that-,” she sighed.
Freddy frowned and shook his head. “Y/n no,” he corrected gently, “don’t do that.” He brought their hands up to his lips, placing a faint kiss to her knuckles. “You’ve been though a lot in your life, honey,-“.
“That doesn’t make it okay, Freddy,” y/n declared with a huff. “You deserve someone healed, and-“.
Freddy’s forehead creased as his gaze narrowed ever so slightly in response. “No, no, no,” he said cutting y/n off. “I’m not going to have you decide that for me.” Freddy took a deep breath and relaxed his facial muscles. “Respectfully.” He tilted y/n’s head up until her gaze met his. “Darling, you are the strongest, most resilient, and kindest person. With the most beautiful soul and heart. You’re not broken.” Freddy gave her a small smile as she maintained eye contact with him. “And even if you were, that wouldn’t stop me from loving you. I know you’re scared, but please, don’t push me away because you think I want or deserve anyone but you, because I don’t”.
Y/n ignored the inherent urge to keep a wall up. Instead, she let her sobs escape her lips as she practically threw herself into Freddy’s awaiting arms. “I’m sorry I’m being so difficult,” y/n apologized, clutching onto Freddy like a lifeline. Which, to her, he was. Her mind had almost convinced her that she knew better than him what was right for him and that it wasn’t her. She’d been willing to give him up for his own sake even though the thought alone nearly destroyed her. Freddy had pulled her out.
“You’re not difficult, you’re real,” Freddy amended lovingly. “And I appreciate you being honest with me,” he pointed out, holding y/n to tightly. "I love you, that means I'm not just here for the pretty parts. I'm here no matter what.”
After sitting in Freddy’s embrace for a few healing moments, y/n spoke up. “I still don’t know how to- to umm- …my parents, well you know…” she trailed off. “And sure, my grandparents stayed together, but you saw how things were, and…” her sniffle broke up her rambling thoughts briefly, “even my aunts and uncles and- I just-…”.
“I can imagine how that might make you doubt marriage,” Freddy acknowledged. He ran his hand up and down y/N’s back slowly. “But, love, I promise-“.
“No Freddy,” y/n interrupted, leaning back. “I know it can work. Your parents made it work,” she said with small smile; one Freddy shared back. “And your grandparents, and h/f/n, and-… anyways, but it’s just I didn’t grow up with that… example to lead me”. Y/n bashfully bit into her bottom lip as she awaited Freddy’s response.
“Darling, I’m not worried about you not having had an example,” Freddy assured y/n simply. “Each relationship is different,” he reminded her. He used his thumb to gently pull y/n’s bottom lip free from the entrapment of her teeth.
“But… I don’t know that… that I have… that I have what it takes to-“ y/n expressed nervously.
Freddy quickly but lovingly shushed y/n; promptly stopping that thought from taking hold. “That’s not true.” He kept ahold of one of her hands but moved his other hand to her cheek. “This relationship is ours, and all it takes is us, you and me,” Freddy declared passionately.
Y/n snuggled into Freddy’s chest. “Okay,” she whispered lovingly. She gave him a small nod before nuzzling her head further into his torso. “You and me,” y/n agreed softly as she peered up at him.
Freddy grinned and nodded back. “You and me,” he echoed in a delicate whisper. “What else is on your mind?” He asked after a few seconds. “You said something about the wedding itself?”
Freddy watched as y/n flickered her eyes away instantly, making his worry return. He felt her nod her head faintly as she started playing with her hands resting in her lap. Freddy squeezed her hands and smiled softly at her when she looked up in response to the gesture.
Y/n took a visibly deep breath. “I… I can’t give you a tra-traditional wedding …” she trailed off solemnly.
Freddy squinted at y/n, his lips pursed slightly. “Darling what are you-“ he began to ask, confused once again.
“The whole… bride giving away thing, the father walking-…” y/n mumbled as she stared at their interlaced hands.
Freddy’s lips parted and he sucked in a breath before responding. “You’re worried I’m going to be let down by you not having your father walk you down the aisle?” he asked seeking confirmation. He watched patiently as y/n sucked in her bottom lip and nodded.
Freddy sighed, letting go of one of y/n’s hands. He then brought that hand up to cup her face and tilt her chin upwards and eyes towards him. “Love,” he cooed, “I couldn’t care less about that.” Freddy’s thumb traced her cheekbone tenderly. “In fact,” he paused briefly, “I’m sorry it’s for the reason that it is… But, I’m actually glad you’re not going to have him walk you down the aisle”.
“Y-you are?” Y/n questioned, tilting her head backwards further to see Freddy better.
“Y/n, I know what he did to you and what he didn’t do for you,” Freddy reminded her gently as he shook his head. “And, I know how he makes you feel. I don’t want him anywhere near you.” He let out a soft sigh as he continued stroking her face. “I respect you enough to let you choose if you’ll ever resume having contact with him again, and if you had for any reason really wanted him to be there, and or to escort you down the aisle, that would be your choice.” Freddy pushed down the anger he felt over even thinking about her father and what y/n had been subjected to because of him. “But,” he shook his head, “like I said, I don’t care to have him anywhere near you.” Freddy leaned forward and placed a faint kiss to y/n’s forehead. “I know he’s your father, but you and I both know that doesn’t mean anything. He doesn’t deserve to be there.” He sighed quietly as he pulled back to gaze into her surprised eyes. “You deserve to have the chance to have someone walk you down the aisle if you wanted that, and I’m sorry that you were put in this situation where you had to decide if it was worth it. But, I more than support you not inviting him,” Freddy promised.
Y/n blinked rapidly as she studied Freddy’s eyes. She could see the sincerity in them easily. But she still felt uncertain. “Really?” Y/n asked quietly.
“Yes, really,” Freddy nodded. “Y/n, I’m on your team always,” he vowed, “especially when it comes to things with him. I always have been, darling”. Freddy delicately dried the few tears that trailed down y/n’s cheeks.
Y/n smiled softly in appreciation. “I - I know,” she admitted, always having felt his support on the matter, “and I really really appreciate th-that.” “I just,” she sniffled, “I wasn’t sure how disappointed you’d be to marry someone who…” Y/n paused as she worked to find the proper words for her concern. “-had to break, or err… not follow that tradition,” she concluded.
Freddy moved his thumb back to the side of y/n’s cheek as he went back to cupping her face. “My darling, we’ll make our own traditions.” He smiled tenderly at her. “I don’t need anything more than you,” Freddy promised warmly. “If you wanted to skip all of it and get married at the city hall, we could. I’d love a wedding, sure, but I just need to be with you. I just want to be your husband.”
Y/n’s tense body visibly melted in relief over Freddy’s declaration. “I love- love y-you,” her voice cracked, tears forming in her eyes for a different reason this time.
“I love you too,” Freddy murmured. He closed his eyes and kissed her forehead. “Is there anything else you worried about?” He asked, wanting to address any lingering concerns she may have.
“Ummm…” y/n mumbled. She hated that there were still worries she had. Freddy had worked so hard to calm her down and yet she couldn’t fully relax yet. “I-it’s just…uhhh..,” her frail voice trailed off with guilt.
Freddy read the guilt in her tone and hummed softly. “It’s okay,” he encouraged, tapping her cheek. “What is it?”
“I can’t- I can’t help but think about how my family isn’t con-contributing as much for the wedding, like your mom has already gone out and-“ y/n expressed. Her voice raised slightly as her nerves took control.
“‘’ey, ‘ey, ‘ey, I don’t mind,” Freddy promised. “Neither does my mum, nor the rest of my family.” “The rest of our family,” he amended. “They love you and already see you as a daughter. They’re not mad, or upset, or whatever else your mind is trying to make you believe,” Freddy reasoned. He chuckled lightly, “my mum is insanely thrilled to be helping, love”. Freddy lowered his hand back down to grab y/n’s free hand. After slowly uncurling her fingers, he brought her hand to his lips, “please, don’t worry about that”.
Y/n silently scanned Freddy’s deep blue eyes. “Really?” She asked, trying not to flinch at the fact she’d asked that question a million times today. When Freddy nodded in confirmation, she let out a sigh of relief. “Okay,” she replied quietly, her shoulders lowering in relief.
Freddy rubbed y/N’s hands as he gazed into her eyes in silence for a few moments. He tilted his head slightly and pressed his lips into a flat line. “I can still see a linger of doubt in those y/e/c eyes,” Freddy announced.
Y/n shook her head rapidly to reassure him. She wasn’t doubting him or them. That’s not what any of this was. She wasn’t even doubting herself per se. She was simply feeling inadequate in her ability to meet the level of wife she felt Freddy deserved. “It’s not doubt,” she explained, pleased when Freddy nodded with an expression that told her he understood her wording. “It’s a fact,” y/n murmured when he didn’t let her off the hook so easily.
“And that is?” Freddy asked, pulling both of her hands to his lap. He watched her patiently as he fiddled with her soft hands.
Y/n bit into her bottom lip and sighed. She knew she was going to say something Freddy didn’t want to hear. And she wished she didn’t feel this way. That she could just accept what Freddy told her. But, she couldn’t. Not yet. Not when she cared so strongly for him that it felt wrong to deny him more. “That you deserve more,” she said, her voice sounding distant even to herself.
Freddy’s chest tightened briefly as he watched the love of his life still struggle to comprehend just how worthy she was. He knew her past was to blame, but he wished she didn’t have to feel like this. She was everything to him and no one could ever outdo her; despite her evident opinions and worries of the contrary.
“I want you,” Freddy said firmly but with deep warmth. “None of the things you’ve mentioned bother me, my darling,” he promised. “Even if something happens that neither one of us predicted or expected, I’d still want to be with you. I don’t want to face anything without you.” Freddy squeezed her hands tightly. “Good or bad.”
Y/n sniffled loudly as she stared up at him. She cautiously pulled her hands back before reaching over for a pillow. Y/n cradled the pillow tightly to her chest as her body started to shake again. She gave Freddy a shaky nod, her head barely peeking out above the top of the pillow pressed against her.
Freddy’s left corner of his lips curled up slightly at the sight before him. He could see the way y/n’s eyes were teary but held warmth instead of fear in them. “Can I give you a hug?” Freddy asked, eyeing the pillow blocking his ability to hold and comfort her.
“Yes please,” y/n cried out. She quickly slid the pillow across her body and back onto the couch. Y/n promptly buried her face in Freddy’s neck as he closed the distance between them. She hummed unconsciously as she felt his strong arms holding onto her tightly.
“Even if there were a line of people just like you before me offering everything your mind is trying to convince you that you’re unable to give me, I’d say no,” Freddy whispered, his lips pressed to the back of y/N’s head right behind her right ear. “I only want you, Y/f/n y/m/n y/l/n,” he vowed, squeezing her as he cradled her in his arms.
“I want you too Freddy,” y/n spoke as she wrapped her arms around Freddy’s back. “I swear, I do.” She clutched his shirt material in her fists as she tried to hold him impossibly closer. “I..I…I-I need you to-to know,” y/n declared, her voice cracking with fear, “I’m… I’m not saying I don’t love you or that I don’t want to marry you, ca-cause I do!” She sniffled loudly as she tried to keep her composure. “I-in fact, it’s because I do that-“.
Freddy smiled softly, nuzzling his head into y/n’s shoulder. “I know,” he promised affectionately.
“I’m sorry for going about it like this,” y/n sighed, her voice slowly lowering back to its normal register. “And.. for… having these insecurities- I’d understand if you changed-“ she rambled nervously.
“Y/n,” Freddy spoke, one hand cradling the back of her head, the other on her lower back. “This doesn’t change my opinion of you,” he promised, pressing a kiss to the top of her head.
“It doesn’t?” Y/n’s soft voice asked, muffled faintly by Freddy’s chest.
“No,” Freddy attested. “But, it does make me see that we have things to talk about,” he told y/n calmly, “because I understand you’re worried, but I don’t want you to ever fear those things having any impact on me or us”.
“It’s not your fault,” y/n sighed, needlessly pulling Freddy closer.
“I know,” Freddy reassured y/n. “But, that doesn’t mean I can’t be there to help you through it.” He let the hand on the back of y/n’s head play with her hair. “If you’ll let me?” Freddy requested tenderly.
Y/n nodded her head rapidly. “P-please,” she begged. Freddy was far better at silencing the tormenting voices in her mind than she was. “I - I don’t want to lose you, but I also want what’s b-best for you,” y/n explained.
“You’re not going to lose me, darling,” Freddy vowed, eyes closed as he focused on the feeling of having y/n in his arms. “And you are what’s best for me. I’ll show you; erase any doubt. It’ll take time, but we’ll get there,” he determined.
“Thank- thank you,” y/n said as she cleared her throat. “You don’t have to do this, but I really-,” she began, pressing a kiss to the shirt covering Freddy’s chest.
“I want to,” Freddy cut y/n off, tugging her impossibly closer.
“It’s not overwhelming, or frustrating, or-?” Y/n wondered.
Freddy shook his head. “No. It just means you need me right now,” he hummed, pressing a kiss to her head. “And, I’m honored to be needed and we’ll get to where you don’t ever doubt these feelings I have towards you, to a point where you can see how you deserve these feelings and sentiments,” Freddy declared confidently.
The couple sat in peaceful silence for quite some time, simply enjoying each other’s presence and physical affection. They shared tender squeezes and delicate kisses as they snuggled together on the couch.
Freddy slowly lifted his head off y/n’s as he leaned his chest back against the couch in order to see her. “Y/n,” he spoke, his voice quietly breaking through the silence. “I do have one thing I want to be sure of,” Freddy admitted, running his hand through her hair.
“Okay,” y/n replied warmly, lifting her head off Freddy’s chest. She smiled at him and nodded her head, “of course”.
“If it makes you more comfortable,” Freddy began cautiously. He didn’t want y/n to think he was changing his mind. But he wanted to know she was comfortable with where things were going. “I’d be fine being your boyfriend for the rest of our lives,” he proposed, “if that’s easier or more comfortable for you.” Freddy brushed some hair from y/n’s forehead tenderly. “I just want to be with you, be someone to you.”
Y/n forcefully shook her head no. “I- I do want to marry you!” She pressed her palms against Freddy’s chest softly. “I’m so sorry I made you think otherwise, I-“.
Freddy took hold of y/‘N’s hands from his chest and pulled her closer. “You didn’t y/n, -“ he argued warmly.
“Yes I did,” y/n protested with a frown. “Otherwise you wouldn’t be saying that,” she sighed. She curled her fingers around Freddy’s and squeezed. “My stupid.. my rambling got-“ y/n mumbled.
“Y/n, darling,” Freddy cooed. He leaned his forehead against y/n’s and smiled softly. “I don’t doubt your love for me,” he reassured her. “If anything, it’s somehow even more clear now than it’s ever been. And I didn’t think that was possible, darling”. Freddy felt his cheeks flush as his grin grew at the thought. He lifted his right hand up to cradle y/n’s face. “The fact that you’d worry about these things to the point of-“ Freddy intentionally trailed off, not wanting to bring up the specifics now that they’d been addressed already. “I know you love me so much.” He rubbed his nose against y/n’s as he gazed lovingly into her eyes. “If I didn’t, I wouldn’t have asked you to marry me,” Freddy commented lightly. “I just want to make sure we take things at the right pace, something that’s comfortable for you.”
“We are,” y/n said as she nodded. “I do want to marry you, I always have,” she vowed. She wrapped her hand around the back of Freddy’s neck as she pressed her forehead against his more. “It was just that I wanted to make sure I was the best option for you,” y/n clarified.
Freddy smiled and nodded his head against y/n’s slowly. “Well, since that’s truly all you were worried about, I assure you,” he whispered, nose rubbing against hers tenderly. “You’ve got nothing to worry about, darling. I couldn’t be happier with my choice. I know I was fortunate enough to manage to secure the best option, period”.
Y/n blinked quickly. “I swear- I-…” she mumured lovingly as she peered into his beautiful deep blue eyes. “It..it feels like - like I’m dreaming or something,” she confessed fondly. “I just… I never thought I’d have someone who just… gets me the way you do, and-“ y/n rambled blissfully, looking away as her eyes watered.
“You aren’t dreaming,” Freddy promised, his thumb hooking under y/N’s chin. “Look at me, love,” he pleaded, helping her guide her gaze back up to him. “This is real,” he swore, cupping both sides of her face, “we’re real”.
Freddy placed a featherlight kiss on the back of y/N’s exposed shoulder as he unclipped her necklace. He carefully set it on their dresser, admiring her through the mirror. He blushed as y/n caught him staring, her eyes flickering open as his lips left her skin. He hid his face in her shoulder making her giggle. “Hair up?” Freddy mumured bashfully as he lifted up a scrunchie from the top of the dresser.
Y/n nodded and smiled at Freddy through the reflection in the mirror. She breathed calmly as his tender fingers delicately gathered her hair behind her. Her eyes trailed over his reflection as she visually worshiped the amazing man she was able to call her fiancé.
Freddy’s blush deepened as he caught sight of the way y/n was looking at him in the mirror. He never doubted her love for him, even when she expressed her worries earlier today. But, even if he had, the look on her face right now would’ve removed any trace of doubt. He smiled giddily as he finished securing her hair atop of her head.
“Ring on or off, darling?” Freddy questioned, sliding his hands down y/n’s sides. He lifted her left hand off the dresser top, thumb rubbing along the palm side of her ring finger.
Y/n spun around abruptly. “On!” She rushed out, rapidly taking her hand back. She clutched her ring and ring finger to her chest, almost in a panic again. “On,” y/n repeated.
“Darling girl,” Freddy whispered calmly. “I’m not going to take it away from you,” he said with a soft shake of his head. “I was just going to set it on the nightstand for the evening, it’s not safe to sleep with it on every night,” Freddy explained, smiling down at her. He crooked his head and pressed a kiss to the top of her head. “But it’s alright, you can sleep in it tonight if you wish, either way, it’s yours; forever”.
Y/n grinned in relief and nodded. She slowly let go of her own wrist before reaching for his hand. “Did you want to change your shirt?” She asked, noticing the material probably wouldn’t be the coziest to sleep in. When he nodded with a sweet smile, she nodded and smiled back as she spun to grab a new top for him.
Freddy slid closer to y/n in their bed. He held onto her left hand and gave it a tender squeeze. With a soft hum, he lifted their interlaced hands up to his lips. Freddy pressed a long lingering kiss to y/n’s engagement ring before curling into her body.
Y/n hummed in response, wrapping her arms and legs around Freddy tightly. She buried herself into his embrace, smiling against his chest as she sighed peacefully.
“You have cold feet,” Freddy mentioned in a hushed voice. He instantly hooked his legs around y/n’s to bring her feet closer to them.
“No!” Y/n panicked, her wide eyes staring up at Freddy worriedly. “It wasn’t that, and I’m okay now,” she promised. Both of her hands cupped Freddy’s flushed cheeks lovingly as she gazed affectionately into his bright blue eyes.
Freddy’s cheeks flushed crimson as he chuckled lightly. “I meant your literal feet,” he explained tenderly, “darling”. He craned his neck to press a soft kiss to y/N’s nose as he began to rub his feet against her cold ones.
“Oh,” y/n giggled with a bashful grin. She blissfully snuggled back into Freddy’s embrace. While letting her eyes flicker up to his face, she kissed his collarbone.
“Want me to get you some slippers?“ Freddy offered, pushing some loose strands of hair back from y/n’s neck. He smiled to himself as y/n silently shook her head no before tucking her feet under his legs. Freddy hummed and used his feet to wrap the blanket under both of their legs to aid his attempts to warm her feet.
With their legs and feet intertwined, y/n slowly slid herself up on Freddy’s chest. She grinned as his arms slid back around her reflexively. She cupped his face as she stared intently into his eyes.
“Thank you Freddy,” y/n states with an audible intensity to the purpose of her words. She noticed he was about to argue that she didn’t need to thank him so she softly shook her head to stop him. “Thank you,” she repeated, locking her gaze with his. She let her eyes flutter shut before she leaned in and gave him a deep passionate kiss. “I am honored, and cannot wait, to become your wife,” y/n informed him as their lips parted.
Freddy grinned widely, his cheeks flushed cherry red. He bit his bottom lip briefly before he pulled y/n in for another kiss. “The honor is mine,” Freddy stated after the needy kiss.
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Hello my love! I have heard your call for Kaz requests and I have an idea rattling around in my head!
Could you maybe do a Kaz x fem!Reader where they're in their early 20s and have been together for years and overcome Kaz's touch aversion (bc our poor boy deserves some healing 😭)? But that's not the idea, the idea is that the reader hasn't been sleeping for a few nights and ends up getting hurt because of it? Could be from fainting and hitting her head, slow reflexes on a job, etc. I trust your brilliant mind!
I can't wait to watch you grow as a writer!!!! ❤️
𝐒𝐨𝐦𝐧𝐮𝐦
Masterlist<3
Summary: The lack of sleep Kaz has been warning his girl about finally has consequences.
Pairing: Kaz Brekker x fem!reader
Warnings: Mentions of overwoking, lack of sleep, blood, a very angsty moody angry sad Kazzle, mentions of blood and lost of conscience. The usual crow violence! Lmk if I missed any.
Word Count: 3.5K whoops
Requested: Yes
A/N: IM SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG! :( I love the prompt, however and am very excited to work on this. Hope u like it nonnie and that last thing means the absolute world! <3
˚ · • . ° .
Now he knew he was in no position to demand her to rest. Kaz Brekker was known in his close circle for two things; killing whoever disrespected his love and always scheming. The electricity his brain consumed when plotting the next heist didn't even allow him to sleep when being tucked in with Y/N laying over his chest. But she never had the same issue before!
That's how it worked. She got mad because he wasn't sleeping and would reproach his ears off until he folded and left his papers to join her in bed. So, it was safe to say Kaz was startled when he noticed the absence of steps approaching his office. The clock read the time to be a quarter past midnight. He learned by endlessly scolding from you the hard way it was no use staying up late for a job when he had pretty much everything prepared, so he dropped everything and left to his room.
"Darling, are you-" his question was answered as he opened the door and saw her drawing on the little desk he got for her. "Hmm, hi love. It's quite early. What are you doing here?" Kaz wanted to laugh at that. Had she really lost notion of time that badly? "It's past midnight now, Y/N. What are you working on?" His shirt was discarded in some chair, along with his coat.
He was now in his dress pants and a black sleep blouse, leaning over the back of her chair to see the canvas. It was a picture of the sea, surely an image she hadn't been able to get out of her head after the quick trip you took to the docks with Wylan to ensure a better hiding spot, in case things went south on Saturday.
"I don't know if I'm getting the blues right... you know how it somehow turns gray when the day's rainy?" she wondered out loud. "Don't throw it away altogether, I know you're already thinking about it" "I'm not!" Y/N giggled, knowing fully her boyfriend could read her mind. "Fix it in the morning. Let's go to bed now, yes?" Kaz tried, tilting his head to her right side and nudging his nose a little on her cheek as she hummed in response.
It had taken a long time, many years, to reach these moments. Years of hoping she could one day have his arms draped around her waist in security, head on his chest without a care in the world, because all that really mattered was they'd be keeping each other warm with their bodies. Y/N was patient, not minding the baby-steps and Kaz's constant need to push her away because he thought she deserved better. Truth is, there was no one better for her.
Kaz had a hard time wrapping his head around this fact. Did you love him for him? A limping criminal who was too weak to even bear the thought of embracing you when tears streamed down your cheeks on a specially tough day? Why? It took convincing, long talks, difficult moments and even worse fights... but you made it.
She felt his steady heartbeat as they lay together in their silk black sheets, indulging in the beauty of it. Their breathings became one, and she swore there was no better place the saints could come up with as heaven. "Everything's ready?" "Yes, I figured I should come here with you instead of overthinking it all. I'll tell everyone the plan tomorrow and revise it again the day before" he took a deep breath, turning to face her and leaving a soft kiss on her lips.
"It's late, you don't seem tired" Kaz noted, Y/N's eyes nowhere near closing as they usually would by now. Her boyfriend, on the contrary, was starting to hide that beautiful icy green his irises held, then came a yawn to confirm his fatigue. "Rest, my love. I'm sure I'm not too far behind," she assured him, pecking his head as he lay on her chest now.
"Goodnight, Kaz".
˚ · • . ° .
It may as well have been minutes, or hours, days, for all she cared to reason. All she knew was that she couldn't sleep for the life of her. Kaz moved a lot in his sleep and after he lost hold of her, the night became a non-stop tossing and turning in their shared bed. She could hear the faint sound of carriages passing down their street, surely carrying some rich merchant who just had the night of his life betting or in one of the pleasure houses.
It had been a while since she felt this way. Pretty much every night prior Kaz offered her a permanent position on the crows after she worked with them was like this. The clock in their room, hanging on a wall distant from her, kept ticking and if it got quiet enough, she could've been able to hear the gears turning. Three in the bloody morning and Y/N had luckily gotten by far twenty minutes of sleep. The girl sighed and lay down again, looking up at the ceiling briefly before closing her eyes in hopes of resting a little more.
She didn't, not even in the days ahead. Kaz pointed out how he could feel her moving way more than usual as his a light sleeper, not blaming her whatsoever but more concerned as to what was keeping her up. Y/N didn't know either, so she figured solving it with Jesper's coffee and quick (very ineffective) naps on the couches and tables at the slat so she could at least be aware of the task at hand; the job.
The day came, and she felt very optimistic about it all. Truth is, Y/N loved dressing up with pretty dresses and daggers hidden around her thighs. She found some kind of satisfaction in keeping this knowledge to herself, the men and women throwing looks at her, completely unaware of how dangerous she happened to be. People on the streets knew her as the wild child... ruthlessly gorgeous, is what Kaz called her.
The girl had a habit of getting carried away in a fight. Too much anger and resentment for the past had to find an exit. It did when she killed, leaving a scared Jesper to deal with an even more scared Wylan who wouldn't dare look her in the eye for weeks after she kept on punching a man's face she saw was trying to kidnap a little girl right after a job years ago. Kaz helped and understood.
His revenge was calculating and took years in which she was by her side, but Y/N just couldn't help herself when it came down to the people who did unspeakable things to her. With the years, she got a hold of herself even though her nickname on the barrel stuck, adding "the crow queen" when word got around she was Brekker's girl. Now, she was still ruthless but way more cold-headed and grounded, Kaz's doing.
She wore a pink dress with embroidered roses around the floaty sleeves. Inej had a blue set of dress pants and shirt, long-sleeved as well as Nina sported a hot red strapless dress with a lot of cleavage. "We're a smoke show! Those fuckers will barely be able to keep their eyes off of us." The last one squealed, adjusting her hair "That's the point" Inej giggled, agreeing clearly as she looked at herself in the mirror.
Y/N laughed at the thought and her head pained a little; Girls on those big houses did the very same thing they were doing now, with very different intentions. Those ladies wanted to find a rich husband, and they'd be set. Her friends were dressed to kill, and so was she. A little fucked up version of a cliché she, too, wished to live when she was little. "I hope these sleeves aren't an issue" she wondered, picturing them getting stuck on their knife or maybe being too tight to throw a punch.
"It's a simple job, love. There's nothing to be worried about! Also, I can bet on my life Kaz is going to be drooling over you when he sees." Nina smiled, playfully smacking her shoulder. "Even more so if you fight in that, he's going to go insane" spoke the Suli girl with a giggle "Kinky" the heartrender added, making the girlfriends break in a fit of laughter. Nina was right, Y/N knew, but decided against confirming her friend's assumptions.
Her eyes felt droopy from the obvious lack of sleep but nothing a cup of coffee couldn't fix, right? She walked down the stairs and into the makeshift kitchen they owned, heating up some. The smell filled her body with pleasant chills, and suddenly some more energy invaded her. "Wacha got there?" asked Wylan, who was quietly sitting behind her. How long had he been there? How did she not notice?
"Coffee, want some?" "Right before a job?" "Yes, I haven't been sleeping too well the last couple of days". Certain zemeni voice erupted from outside the room, exclaiming a brief "Neither have us!" that had the merchling blushing like he got some contagious disease. Y/N delivered a pat on his back, and coffee in hand she exited the room.
Kaz gathered everyone in the living room, to revise the plan once more. "...so make sure you cover that corn-" He stopped mid-sentence when Y/N came into view. Her hair looked polished, but she could be bald for all he cared. The dress complimented her figure beautifully, adjusting in the right places, which to Kaz was any place, really. Inej and Nina giggled and high fived. "Go on, love." She smiled, ready to listen attentively at his plan even though he made sure to walk her through it personally a few hours ago.
As Y/N brushed next to him, he grabbed her hand to make her stop right before she got seated. "You're stunning. Is it comfortable?" he whispered, looking at her with a certain glow in his eyes he once thought lost. "Yes, dear. Thank you" she pecked her boy's cheek and took a seat behind him. He went on with the plan, and everyone seemed pretty much ready to leave.
So they did.
˚ · • . ° .
"Darling, watch out!" Jesper exclaimed, shooting at a man behind Y/N. Things went south, they did. In the hiding spot Wylan and the girl had settled; some dreg must've ratted, they guessed. An ambush from some new-forming band trying to get known by stealing from The Crows themselves, pathetic. Inej had gotten there to help, but Y/N and Jesper insisted she went back and warned the others so to spare them from possible damage.
The wild child and Jesper were a great team, who knew a durast and an avid fighter could take down men three times their size and weight? They proved on many occasions to be useful for situations as these, so there was no problem. They'd be out of there in the blink of an eye. Around ten people had arrived at the scene, and four remained, Y/N realized as she took a kick in the gut and fell on her back, jumping back on her feet with a flip.
Jes' revolvers did the job for two others as she managed with the guy in front of her. "Come on, big guy, that can't be the best you got, aye?" she smiled wickedly, taunting the man with a daring hand despite the very much broken rib she could feel. The dress was ruined with blood she was sure wasn't hers, shreds ripped it off so largely one of her legs was now exposed.
He lunged forward, coming with a dirty blade to her throat, and she skipped it. Came again, now, aiming for her arm and she skipped it again, landing a kick on the throat that left him coughing on the ground. Y/N crouched to his level and grabbed him by the hair, sliding a knife in the same spot, careful not to cut. She noticed a tattoo on his neck, a beaver. Couldn't help but laugh. "You tell your boss not to mess around with us, or next time he won't get too lucky as to get less than half of his men in one piece. And change the tattoo, a bloody beaver? Seriously?"
The man nodded furiously, tripping on his way out of the warehouse. "A beaver? Their thing is beavers?" Jesper laughed, putting his babies back in place and making sure the painting they had stolen was still with him. "I know, couldn't pick a funnier thing" she answered, giggling. Looking around, something was odd. Yes, Y/N was not very well educated and lacked the month of college her best friend had, but she thought she counted four men remaining in this spot of the building.
The other six lay limp near the door, and there were two next to them, plus the one who ran with the message. One was missing. "Hey Jes I think we're missing one" "What do you mean? There's no one here". She stopped listening and her world went quiet when he met his yes. A lanky, tall figure could be seen next to a stack of boxes on her right, a flicking light revealing him for brief intervals of time. Ugly motherfucker carrying a gun that pointed straight at her.
The blood started gushing out of her leg before she could even react. "Too slow" she faintly heard. He wasn't stopping either; shooting at various places until one loud boom next to her made it cease. Was concrete always this cold? Oh, she was now feeling Jesper's soft suit. Warmer. "Is that wool?" Y/N asked and realized her voice sounded a little quieter than she meant. "Yes, it is doll. Open your eyes for me, okay? You can't die on me now"
She really tried. She really wanted to look at her best friends face and maybe hear him crack a joke or two. But her eyes felt droopy and her head felt heavy so she finally fell asleep.
˚ · • . ° .
Kaz arrived minutes later, Wylan, Nina and Inej by his side as they all rushed to a crying Jesper, desperately trying to wake Y/N up. "S-she got shot, didn't flinch.. like she didn't even see the bastard," he hiccuped, letting his boss take his place next to a limp body as his boyfriend helped him up and hugged him tightly.
Brekker's head spun. A thousand possibilities. There was blood all over the dress, and leaking over his clothes but he couldn't give a fuck. Not her. He couldn't bare it. Y/N was a piece of heaven in that saint forsaken island, the only saint he ever believed in and the angel that saved him from himself. If he lost her, there was no coming back for him. The water rose to his nose again for a brief moment.
It hadn't happened in a while. And he chose the techniques his lover taught him. He acted. "Nina" he mumbled, taking Y/N on his arms as the grisha girl assured him she had a pulse. His legs carried him to the slat, never too far from Nina, as she was making sure her pulse didn't slow down too much. He didn't even notice the pain in his bad leg. He felt a sting on his heart, so sharp it seemed as if pieces of broken glass would poke through it at any moment.
The boy sent Inej looking for whatever idiot decided it was a good idea to try and steal from them. Only information. He'd take care of them later. The Wraith left and was out all night, returning with a lot to say the next morning. Kaz looked over at Y/N's face and the utter peace that brushed over her features scared him even more. Not now. Not like this.
"Is she going to be okay? T-there was definitely something wrong with her back there" Jesper started once the girl was on the bed and getting healed with a few healers in the dregs and Nina. Kaz was sitting, head propped up in his hands as he stared at the wall opposite from him. "She didn't move! At all! He shot her three times and looked amused while doing it". The zemeni man had to stop if he wasn't trying to reunite with the other deceased blessed people on his bloodline. Kaz's stare hardened and his jaw clenched tightly.
"Wylan, I can't lose her. She was too slow a-" "ENOUGH" Kaz stood up, looking at him with murder in his eyes. "If you were more aware of the surroundings, she would be fine. Don't you dare call her slow. This is not her fault. You should've been there" menacing gloved finger pointing to his friend. "Oh, so this is my problem now?" Jesper countered in complete disbelief. "If you don't consider your best friend's life being at critical risk a problem you're much more of a superficial, incompetent and heartless bastard than I thought." Kaz spat.
He knew this wasn't Jesper's fault, maybe it was the lack of sleep or you just weren't on your element. But he had to let it out with someone. Anyone. Pain turns into anger and screaming at your brother when it's too strong. He knew that better than anyone and couldn't care to stop himself this time. "Kaz, stop" Wylan said, and then he noticed Jesper's puffy eyes with a sigh. Then he felt his own neck starting to tickle. He was crying. Kaz Brekker didn't cry.
"Out" "But Ka-" "I SAID OUT"
And out they were. Everyone who didn't need to be there to save his girl's life. He could hear Nina struggling between wrecked sobs, fast pacing around the room and a distant sound of water running non-stop. Hours passed, and he remained in the same position, in the same chair, with the same thoughts running wild inside him.
Not you. Please. I should've been there. I'm going to kill them. Please be okay. I can't do it without her. Please.
Kaz Brekker was repeating pleas, thinking out loud to whoever was listening. Let her live. Please let her live. This is not her fault. Not to a god, neither to those saints who proved to exist so many years ago. He didn't know who he was asking for help to. But he was screaming, please don't let her go. He was leaving with her if she did.
All sound stopped, and Nina emerged from the dimly lit room, drying her cheeks. The boy stood up, looking at her with the most terrified look he ever gave someone. Fuck the facade. He was utterly afraid. "She's okay, not waking up, but she will". He let out a breath he didn't know he was holding and couldn't help but throw himself into Nina's arms in search for some comfort to his wrecked sobs.
His friend received him with open arms, careful not to squeeze him too hard, as she knew that could trigger him. "I can't lose her, Nina" he whimpered before pulling away. "You're not. Not now and not soon. She's okay, Kaz. Stay with her, will you? She could be a little startled if she wakes up in an empty room"
He almost scoffed at that. What else would he do? A quiet nod was delivered, and he stepped inside to accompany her in an uncharacteristically unsettling silence. There were dirty gauzes everywhere, her dirty dress discarded in a corner and a blanket covering her figure. Kaz stopped, looking at your chest. It rose and fell in a moderate rhythm. Good.
Taking a seat once again, he held her hand and brushed a thumb over it, grateful to whoever listened. And Nina.
Sun bled through the curtains, filling it all with a pleasant orange hue Kaz knew Y/N would appreciate. Jesper came by every few hours and amends were made. He understood how badly everything hit Kaz the day before and didn't need an apology. They were all under intense pressure the day before, couldn't blame him for a such a reaction. Wylan had brought flowers and Inej made sure everything was ready for when she regained consciousness.
His crows got it handled.
A whole day and a half had gone by and he was reading beside her when she woke up. Her hand moved and he could feel the twitch in his palm, looking up frantically to find those pretty y/e/c eyes looking back at him. "Finally, got some sleep," she joked and laughed at her own joke. Kaz laughed back. "Hello" he offered, kissing her hand and never really wanting to let go "Hi". "Are you feeling okay?" the boy asked, happy to see his lover once again awake.
"It hurts a bit but I'll live" "I'm counting on that, my love". ♡
#kaz brekker fluff#kaz brekker x reader#kaz brekker fanfic#kaz brekker angst#kaz brekker fic#kaz brekker imagine#kaz brekker#six of crows#six of crows x reader#grishaverse x reader#shadwo and bone netflix#crooked kingdom#freddy carter#shadow and bone season two#sab s2
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Corporal K. Reitveld and Nurse Ghafa, 1917
Inspired by the beautiful fic save the undone years by Whitherward @whatanybodygets
" ... she only sits beside him on the wall, and looks out at the scrubby grass, and the birds, and the grey clouds, while he smokes his fill. And then she helps him get upright, and hands him his crutches, and walks beside him in watchful silence as he limps his way painfully back to the ward."
Saw this pic of nurse and soldier actually months ago in May and decided to draw it after beautiful chapter 2. Let's ignore that Kaz is supposed to be in pajamas. He looks great in uniform.
Bonus: process
#kaz brekker#inej ghafa#kanej#kaz brekker x inej ghafa#fanart for fanfiction#author: whitherward#fic: save the undone years#saw this pic of nurse and soldier and i was obsessed#took a month#was bit slow#Thank you whitherward for blessing us with your amazing words that inspire me to draw#lol ill never stop drawing for you#six of crows#soc#grishaverse#freddy carter#amita suman
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The Things we do
Pairing - Kaz Brekker x Fem!Reader
Summary - When Kaz finds out a rivial gang has taken you hostage, he'll stop at nothing to find you again.
Warnings - Angst, violence, torture, wounds, blood, hurt/comfort vibe
Words - 2.8K
Masterlist
Kaz didn't know where you were. And, even worse, neither did you.
What you did know however: your head was pounding, the room was dark and you were tied to a chair. Your head dragged up, blood trickling from your cut lip as you faced your captor. She was a mean face. Her eyes flooded with fury that you doubted ever left and she bred the sense of vex with every step she took. If anyone was to be a psycho kidnapper, it would have been her.
"Y/n Y/l/n." A voice called your name like it was illegal, like it was something to be dragged through the dirt.
Your captor took a step back, revealing the man who was sitting in the chair behind her. In no way was he rough around the edges like the girl was. In fact, he wore a suit to fit, his lips moulded into something he seemed to use as a weapon. And despite her cut lip and likely bruised features, her head tilted and she pushed her luck. "Nice to know you know, because I've got no idea who you are." Maybe had you not just been kidnapped, you might have been more composed.
The man stood and she felt herself lean as far back in her chair as she was able. "It doesn't matter who I am." He said; his voice so monotone for the context of the situation. "I just need to know about you."
You weren't so sure where this was headed. Your mind was still trying to catch up with the punches you had just endured, attempting to understand where you were and how you were in fact going to get out of it. "Me?" You reiterated, flashing some puppy dog eyes you knew weren't going to work. But it was worth a try in this situation.
He nodded and then a word slipped from his lips. Just one word and that was all you needed to know you were in the shit now. "Crow." Them puppy dog eyes slipped away as easily as they had settled. Suddenly, you came to realise the severity of the situation and you questioned if you would be able to get out of it. The suit man looked over to the captor, nodding his head as if giving a silent command.
Like that, just as he turned his back and started walking away, a fist came flying. The knuckles of the woman's palm cracked against your cheeks with a thud. You had groaned but didn't dare say a word. You glanced back up at her through the lingering bruises. "Are the rest of you crows at the crow club?"
"Why do you want to know?" You should have known where speaking back was going to get you.
Just as quickly as them words had left your lips, another punch came crashing at your jaw. And you struggled with that one. It erupted a groan as you settled within the pain that plagued you. "What about Kaz? He's the boss right?" She continued to interrogate.
You gazed over at her through stern, mean eyes. "You can punch me till I'm bloody, I'm not telling you anything."
This time, a punch didn't follow. Instead, you watched as the woman wandered around the chair you were glued to. She walked over to a side table, retrieving a small box. It wasn't until she opened the box that you grew nervous. There were several tools. Many of them rusty and blunt but in the hand of your kidnapper, still rather painful. She took one of the bluntest knives, one that had rusted so much it was burnt and brown. With that in hand, she wandered around once again.
"Anything you went to get off your chest now?" Asked the woman.
You could feel your breath itch in your throat, feeling her shadow hover right over your shoulder. It was daunting but didn't stop you as you quipped back, "Do your worse." And she certainly did.
She took the blade. At first, it brushed over the prickles of your skin, then, within a flash, you felt it jab into your shoulder. With that, you let out a piercing scream. The metal seeming to have shot so deep into your body it felt as if it were scraping against your bone. You didn't have to look to know it was bleeding. By the time the weapon had dug into your skin, the blood was dripping down towards your elbow.
The woman took a firm grip over the blade. With every single, slight touch it was painful. Just the brush of her fingers against the metal had felt agonising. So when she took a hold of it, a groan escaped your lips. She leaned over the bleeding shoulder, "You're gonna tell me what I need to know." Her voice was a whisper but it felt deafening in your ear.
Your breath was uneven and, just as you were about to catch it, she shoved the blade down further. Another scream erupted from your lips. This one louder and much more of an echo. And once more, she leaned over your shoulder, "Where does Kaz keep the money?"
Once you let out a sigh, you looked over at her, "I'm not telling you." You were stern in your words even if everything in your body already wanted to give in.
This was what being a crow was. It was criminal. It was getting beating up and getting bloody, but it was dealing with that. And so you would. At least, you would try. Because when she even grasped the metal, you were regretting your decisions. "Wait, wait!" She stopped; so did the pain. You took a breath, trying to gather your thoughts that the pain had cut through. "Please..." You couldn't imagine anything worse than another touch from that blade.
She asked the same question: "Where does Kaz keep the money?"
A long moment followed. One in which you knew you were going to give in, even if it killed you to betray Kaz like that. Your fellow crow, your boss, the man who had took you in when you had nothing. "There's a safe. It's under his desk in the office. The office is upstairs in the crow club." Like it was nothing, you spilled everything.
"See," She paused and in one swift movement, tore the knife from your skin. Another scream erupted. But it was the last one you would have to endure. "Wasn't that difficult, was it?" She had no idea what you were in for with Kaz now. "Now, when's this office left empty?"
You knew this plan was so this gang could get their sticky fingers on Kaz's money. And maybe you should have cared more to not spill all this information considering Kaz paid your wage. But alas, the fear of the pain was seeming to pull the words from your lips, "When there's-"
You didn't know why or what had happened at first, only that your kidnapper had fallen right in front of you. Then you spotted the knife in her back. You almost couldn't believe it at first. Well, not until your head snapped up to figure that was wandering from the doorway. "Inej?" The woman removed the scarf that masked her face as she rushed forward without another word.
She went around straight away, her hands reaching out and untying the rope which bound you. "Where is she?" Came another voice which boomed through the building. A wave of guilt passed you as you came to recognise the voice: Kaz.
"In here!" Replied Inej.
And like that, the man came through. His eyes pooled with sympathy, completely unaware of how you had just betrayed him. Not that he had noticed. In that moment, Kaz had never felt such relief. Over the period you had been lost, he hadn't felt himself breathe. He sent Inej and Jesper left, right and centre until finally, they got a hit. A rival gang that barely hand enough bullets to take down the three of them. He couldn't care who had taken you. It could have been the king himself and he would have still swug through battlefields, explored every inch of this world, whatever it took just so it could get to you.
Now, with your eyes interwinding with his, he rushed to you. Inej had only just let the rope fall from your body and it was suddenly being engulfed by Kaz. At first, it had shocked you. Then you soon settled into the comfort which was ever so familiar. With your head situated on his shoulder, your gaze glanced to the doorway, finding Jesper stood there. He too just as relieved, taking in the sight of his boss and his friend tangled within the comfort of one another. Jesper knew that Kaz needed that hug just as much as you - if not more so.
When he pulled away, you were met with that worrisome gaze which seemed to devour you. "Can you stand?" Kaz questioned.
And while you couldn't exactly give him a reply, you nodded and that was enough. His hands came around, taking a hold of your own as he helped you to your feet. He guided you towards the exit, not daring to let his touch fall. About half way there, you both stopped. There came the sound of a thud from behind you. It wasn't until you turned, finding that Inej had pulled her knife from your captor's back that you came to realise why. Of course she taken her knife back. No one chose to comment. Instead, you found that it was normal and continued walking, following Jesper.
By the time you made it home, the Crow Club was empty. It wasn't until later that you would come to realise Kaz had closed the club, needing the empty space to focus on finding you. Something he was thankful for now he had you in his arms.
Once you got home, Jesper pulled a chair up for you, forcing you to sit down as he tended to the wound plaguing your shoulder. Inej was sat on a table across from you, sharpening a knife while Kaz was standing behind you. And for a moment, it was all silent. All their attention was focused on you and the wound which was buried deep into your skin. Yes, it felt as bad as it looked. "You sure you're okay?" Inquired Jesper as he pulled your shirt down for easier access.
You didn't bare look at any of them, knowing the pity you were likely to receive. "I'll be fine, Jesper." You replied without much emotion in your tone.
Jesper gave a concerned look to the man standing behind you. Something of which you had missed, too busy replying the memory of the knife in your shoulder to take note. "Okay, okay." Jesper said. "But just know," He paused as he gathered his needle and thread, "This isn't going to be pretty."
You didn't look to him as you answered, "Just clean it up, will you?" You weren't so much in the mood for Jesper's playful mood like you normally were. "I don't want an infection and a stab wound."
And like that, Jesper's lips stayed sealed as he gathered his items, staring at the wound as he attempted the best way to tackle it without hurting you so much. "What were they asking you?" Inej spoke up as her head lifted to meet yours. "Did you tell them anything?" That question made you wince.
Jesper scoffed, "It doesn't matter anyway, you killed em'." He did make a good point there, something you were silently thankful for.
"And by the looks of things," At the sound of Kaz's voice, you finally turned, meeting his gaze which seemed attached to the wound sitting on your shoulder. "You didn't tell them anything either."
Had it not been for the groan that came with the needle making contact with your shoulder, you might have said. Instead, you sucked in a breath before letting out a, "Jesper." in a snap.
"Sorry," He apologised. "I did say its not gonna be pretty." And with that, he started to thread you skin back together like it were clay.
"Do you know who it was?" Inej continued to interrogate.
You thought on it for a moment but with your pounding head, you couldn't come up with much. "No." You said first. "He wore a suit like he was trying to be more fancy than he was."
"That's it?" Critiqued Jesper from behind you, his snooty tone prompting you to gaze over at him. "He was too fancy for a suit? That's what you gathered?"
Your glare turned deathly, "I was a bit preoccupied with the fact they kept punching and threatening me...obviously." You agrued.
"Careful," Said Jesper. "Don't forget whose holding this needle." The small prick of metal glistened in his hand before your eyes rolled, turning back around.
"So we have no idea who these people are." Kaz concluded as his gaze jumped from you, something which had only enhanced that ever-heavy feeling of guilt which burdened you.
A loud exhale, almost loud enough to be classed as a sigh, came from Inej, "Suppose it's a good thing you didn't tell them anything the-"
"Ouch!" Your voice shot through the club.
All eyes came to you and your burning stare that was being pointed at Jesper. He had slipped. Only the smallest of bits but still, you had snapped at him like that. And what was worse, your anger didn't die down. Instead, you stood abruptly, tearing the needle from further patching up your wound. "Y/n-" Kaz started but you were already walking away.
And without even looking back at him, you said, "I'm fine." And continued on, eager for some privacy where the guilt of spilling your guts didn't linger.
You escaped into your room, taking in the air like it was fresh, like it wasn't intoxicated like the rest of the club was. The room was lonely, and it was empty, free of anyones opinion and judgement. With tears pricking your pupils, you wandered over to the mirror. Your shoulder took all your attention. Sure, Jesper had sewed up about half of it but the wound was still sharp and deep into your skin. It's edges ridgid and screaming to be tended to.
With a huff, you pulled your t-shirt back up, groaning at the pain which came with the contact. And you continued on with shakey legs and even shakier breath as if you could continue on. You soon came to realise it wouldn't be that easy.
The door clicked open and you tensed, suddenly appreciating your back was facing the door. The tears were easily about to slip from your eyes and that was something no one needed to see. "I told you I was fine." You said, sucking in a sharp breath that you preyed gave you the air you needed to not let those tears fall.
"You're not meant to be." Only then did you come to realise the intruder in your room was none other than Kaz Brekker. And his voice was enough to prompt you to turn, meeting his soft features which made you weak. "Whatever you went through, it was always going to be painful."
He had no idea what was truly the cause of your pain. "I've been beaten before Kaz." You argued.
He took a cautious step into the room, knowing you could force him out at any given moment. "None of us expect you to be okay, this wasn't just any normal beating, Y/n." He went on, providing comfort which would normally be accepted. But considering he didn't know the full story, it was a struggle to accept it.
Until, in a rushed decision, you gambled your whole relationship with Kaz. "I don't care that they hurt me, that they punched, stabbed, bled me like I was a doll. I couldn't get less." That part was true. "But I just- I had to."
Kaz's brows knitted, "Had to what?" He queried.
"I had to tell them." Like that, the words hung in the air. "I had to tell them everything." The tears finally started slipping until they were streaming down your cheeks.
The moment Kaz caught sight of that, he rushed over. And just as needy as before, he engulfed your body into his own. "Hey, it's okay." He assured. "All that matters is that you're safe."
#kaz brekker#kaz brekker x reader#kaz brekker imagine#kaz brekker x you#kaz brekker x y/n#kaz brekker oneshot#kaz brekker fanfic#kaz brekker fic#kaz brekker fanfiction#freddy carter#freddy carter x reader#shadow and bone#shadow and bone season 2#shadow and bone x reader#shadow and bone imagine#six of crows#six of crows x reader#six of crows imagine#fanfiction#imagine#x reader
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PAINKILLER - k.b
Requested: Yes
Warnings: Slight allusion to smut (if you squint), poor proof reading (as usual)
Word Count: 1184
A/N: Hi my lovelies! I know this has been a long time coming so I hope you enjoy. I haven’t written in a while so this might not be one of my best works but there should be more to come in the near future. I hope you enjoy!
Shadows engulfed our bodies, cascaded over our skin as our breath mingled with one another. The cold climate of Ketterdam allowed us to see our breath dance together in the small space between our faces. Short pants left both of us, eyes darting back to the threshold of the alley, anxiously scanning for any Dime Lions who were hunting for us. Yet again, one of Kaz Brekker’s infallible plans (his words directly) had collapsed faster than Jesper trying to resist the call of the cards. Another job gone awry, another pursuit through the murky streets of Ketterdam.
As protocol demanded of us, the other Crows and I had split into pairs in order to escape from the scene of the crime. And, of course, I had to end up with the Bastard of the Barrel himself. It was his fault the job had gone amiss; he had miscalculated how long it would take his deft fingers to pry into the lock of the safe. Ever skilful with his hands, we trusted him blindly. But we were swarmed by Dime Lions before Kaz could bypass the lock, much to everyone’s chagrin. Frustration still clouded my mind as I glared at my boss; his head lent against the damp stone wall of the alley, chest heaving with deep breaths. My eyes followed the sharp lines of his jaw, the shadows that covered us accentuating them. His tongue slipped past the barrier of his thin lips to moisten them before he allowed his eyes a moments rest, a great sigh escaping from his broad chest.
I was desperate to know what was raging through his head; perhaps he shared in my anger at the failure of a job, or maybe he held no remorse at all, merely considering the next job he’d send us on. My theories were soon discarded however, as I saw him move a singular gloved hand to his stomach, his breaths still deep but more controlled. Despite the fact that Kaz and I would often bicker and bite at one another, I was one of his most trusted compatriots; and I knew what most did not. The truth about his childhood, the demons that threatened to drag him into the depths of the water where his brother resided, the bile that promised to rise from his throat if he were to come into contact with another human being.
I pushed my back harder against the alley wall, trying to distance myself from my boss in a desperate attempt to provide him with some relief. Either my effort went unnoticed, or he didn’t care, for the next words that came from his mouth were, “Stop staring.”
“I’m not staring.” I was quick to respond, pressing myself further against the wall in another futile attempt to widen the space between us. “Then what are you doing?” His eyes were back on me, scanning me; ice following every slight movement of my face, every twitch of my lips, searching for the truth as if it were about to appear written on my forehead. “Checking for injuries,” I simply replied, my talents as not only a Grisha, but a healer, had been put to use countless times after jobs had gone astray. Or Jesper had ended up pissing off some poor soul that ended in a bar fight neither wanted. He merely hummed as a response before his eyes went back to the opening of the alley, scouting for Dime Lions again.
The sun had begun to set on Ketterdam, more and more people filtered onto the streets; laughter, smells of cigarette smoke and cheap alcohol had started to float among the airwaves. Night was falling, the streets growing more crowded by the second, filled with inhabitants desperate for some form of sin. “We should move.” I suggested, fidgeting with my hands. Discomfort still lurked between us, “We can’t risk moving, not yet. We need to stay low,” He ran a hand through his dark hair, the strands slipping through his fingers as they found their place against his forehead. Kaz shifted on his feet, and I could see he was trying to think of his next move, planning a way for us to escape from the alley without being cornered by the Lions.
“Come here.” He muttered; words barely eligible over the sounds of various forms of pleasure that had crowded the streets of Ketterdam. “Excuse me?” To say I was shocked at his declaration would have been an understatement. The man in front of me nodded towards the opening of the alley, directing my attention to couples that had chosen that space to indulge in one another. Hands wandered against bodies, mouths collided with mouths, “If the Dime Lions come looking for us here, all they’ll find is people enjoying each other.” He had taken a step closer to me, no longer leaning his back against the dame alley wall. “But Kaz...” I tried to protest, thinking of the demons that were lurking behind his cold eyes.
He reached a gloved hand towards mine and pulled it towards him, more specifically his stomach. “Try.” I knew what he meant; we had mentioned it in passing before but had never got the chance to try it. I had proposed the idea that perhaps my abilities as a Corporalki could ease the nausea that filled him every time he came into contact with someone else. My eyes slipped shut as my fingers flexed, trying to find the pain that lurked within him; his hand remained wrapped around my wrist, pushing my fingers harder against himself. Even through the multiple layers of clothing, I could feel his muscles taut and tensing under my touch.
A whimper of relief left Kaz’s thin lips as he threw his head back once more, “Fuck.” It was working. I looked at the man in front of me as I continued to work at his pain. His eyes found me, “Kiss me.” He whispered. Unsure of whether the sudden urge for intimacy was to keep up the rouse of a couple, or if it came as a result of his new-found relief, I obliged his request.
Tentatively, I let my lips find his. Another moan came from Kaz, this time more guttural and primal. His hips pushed into mine, my back hitting the wall of the alley. His gloved fingers slid around my waist as the once-gentle kiss deepened. Our teeth collided, tongues dancing, hips grinding into one another. The surprise that filled my mind at his request had slowly begun to sink away, instead replaced by another feeling. One of hunger, of lust, for the Bastard of the Barrel, the very same Bastard who refused to come within an inch of another human being if he had the choice. The very same Bastard whose mouth was connected to mine, whose hands wondered the softer parts of my body, aimlessly grabbing and squeezing at the flesh. He was a man starved; a tortured man who had finally found relief, and was desperate to work out the frustrations that had amassed within his body.
You can find my other Kaz writings in my Masterlist.
#painkiller#kaz brekker#kaz brekker imagine#kaz brekker x reader#kaz brekker smut#freddy carter imagine#freddy carter smut#shadow and bone#six of crows#imagine#smut#angst#fluff#fic
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i’m so upset about the erasure of inejs trauma not only in this season but throughout the entire show. there were so many opportunities to include it and they just didn’t??
the first fight with the taxidermist when he pinned her down?
the toxin dream?
the fact that they KILLED tante helene and there was no visible reaction from inej??
instead they give her a lost brother and make her toxin dream about her relationship with kaz when everyone else’s involves their trauma and links to their backstory. the fact that the show gave her a brother makes me feel like they’re lessening her trauma more because it takes the attention off HER.
same thing with the dream, there was no reason for it to be about kaz when we could’ve gotten a perfect flashback to her being kidnapped and working in the menagerie. there weren’t any physical indications of her trauma either. i feel like they could’ve also included her devotion to her faith a lot more as it makes sense to the nature of her character.
as much as i’m upset i can’t possibly get over how PERFECT amita was as inej, (ignoring the fact that she and none of the other crows are the correct age) especially this season, acting was off the charts, with the poor material she was given.
#crooked kingdom#inej ghafa#jesper fahey#helnik#kaz brekker#kaz x inej#mattias helvar#nina zenik#shadow and bone#six of crows#amita suman#freddy carter#ruin and rising#seige and storm#six of crows duology#kanej#kanej fic#ben barnes#anti darkling#malina#jessie mei li#leigh bardugo#nikolai lantsov
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𝔎𝔞𝔷 𝔅𝔯𝔢𝔨𝔨𝔢𝔯
(This is my first drabble for him, I've only seen the show so bear with me please.)
-
He draws closer with each slow, deliberate step. The air feels void of all oxygen, as if it's seeped out and away from your lungs, leaving you attempting to hide how you can't quite draw a breath.
In truth, he's utterly terrifying. His eyes are the darkest you've ever seen, the color rivals that of the shadows surrounding him- the darkness that colors his office. His spine is straight, and the muted thud of his cane only reinforcing the terror scorching your nerves as he gets impossibly close.
His face is a mask of stoicism. There isn't a single feature that betrays how he truly feels towards you, despite the raging thoughts of worry behind his eyes.
He knew he shouldn't have let you on the job, it being out of your range of skills- more suited for stealth and thievery as opposed to the brute force the job called for. You've paid the price for a new experience, and he's paid in the insufferable feeling of worry and panic that overtook him the moment that guard got too close for comfort.
You'd been slashed at, a poor attempt from the guard to go for your heart- instead landing a scrape just below your left collarbone. Still, Kaz was furious at that particular guard- ruthlessly knocking him down with the heavy metal of his cane, the embossed crow splattered with the poor man's blood, which had since been cleaned.
Above all, he was furious with himself. He allowed the one person he cared for in any romantic semblance to be hurt- granted, your pleas to be out on the job made it hard to say no, which he never could to you.
Right now, he towered over you. His form one alike to a statue, not knowing what to say, or how to express what he felt- not knowing how to convey why he was angry. You'd been awaiting his eventual lecture with static running through your veins, numbness overtaking your hands out of nervousness and the pure strength with which you clasped them together in front of you.
After a moment, his shoulders dropped and his hand hovered over yours, unsure of how to proceed but still wanting to make an effort at comfort. You unclasped your hands and delicately took his gloved one into yours, making sure not to apply too much pressure as to not make him uncomfortable.
"You're never going on a job like that again."
"May I ask why?"
His lips pressed together, he didn't want to confess that he cared. He couldn't- it had already been far too close of a call already, with you getting hurt. How could he forgive himself if you were to be out at the hands of his enemies, once they found out about his weakness towards you? The leverage they'd have once they knew of his feelings towards you? He didn't ever want to put you at risk, but he knew you adored your freedom, and he knew you could handle yourself more than well enough. That knowledge still didn't snuff the thoughts; the what if's? The deep seated worry for you.
So for now, he simply took a deep breath and said, "Because you're far too valuable as an asset to be hurt. You will stick to jobs suited for your skillset, and that is final."
-
[Written by Angel]
#mod angel#shadow and bone#kaz brekker#kaz brekker x reader#kaz brekker x y/n#kaz brekker x you#shadow and bone imagine#shadow and bone fic#six of crows imagine#six of crows fic#kaz brekker fic#kaz brekker imagine#freddy carter#daydreams original
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savior | k.b
requested?: yes, by a lovely mutual of mine <3
pairing: kaz brekker x fem!reader (established relationship)
summary: after a traumatic run-in with a demon from your past, you go to the one person you would always feel safe with.
warnings: mentions of past abuse, hurt/comfort, angst, mention of blood, murder, kaz might be slightly ooc as i learn to write for him, haphephobia, i think that's it? i wasn’t specific with the attack in the alleyway apart from the guy being killed. also, am i proud of this? not 100% so i might change things in the future and repost it but for now this will have to do.
a/n: some things might be wrong in terms of the location of kaz's room and stuff so i apologize. also i suck at writing dialogue but we move!
taglist: @eaudenana @hydrngea
word count: 2.106
panic. it was the only thing you could feel, washing over like a tide, but you kept running down the dark alleyways, the frantic steps echoing off the walls of Ketterdam. as you fled, the feeling that someone was still following you persisted and you couldn’t help but look over your shoulder, terrified that you’d see him. this was impossible considering his dead body was currently laying on the floor of a random alley. continuing the path back to the slat, you ignored the burning in your lungs and the aching muscles in your legs, not daring to stop until you were within those walls, with kaz.
after what felt like an eternity you finally arrived to the slat, slamming the doors open and letting them strike harshly behind you, not caring for the people who were likely asleep. once inside you allowed yourself to breathe properly, finally feeling a little bit safer knowing your people were near you, but it wasn’t enough. after taking a minute to let your body rest, you made your way up to kaz’s room, deliberately skipping the part that creaked. as soon as his door was in sight, you pushed the door open and closed it behind you, leaning your head back against the cool surface.
kaz, clearly, had not been expecting the sudden intrusion, and was ready to yell at whoever had decided to interrupt him. when he looked up, however, the words that were on the tip of his tongue died--there you stood, the front of your clothes completely covered in blood and your entire body trembling. he stood up immediately, walking over until he was standing mere inches away from you. all kaz could do was stare at the petrified girl in front of him, his hands twitching at his sides with the desire to reach out and wipe the tears away, or comfort you in any way possible; just as he was reaching for your hand, images of jordie and his bloated, cold body flashed through his mind, along with the dreadful feeling of freezing water trying to drag him down, drown him.
the boy let his hand fall back to his side, clenching his fist and internally chastising himself for not being able to get past his trauma to comfort the one woman who meant the world to him. you stared back at him through teary eyes, the silence in the room suffocating. your own hands were trembling, the blood on them having dried long ago but every time it cracked with the flex of your hands, it brought back the events of the alleyway and the demons that haunt you in dreams. having grown anxious in the silence, kaz is the first to break it.
“what happened, my darling?”
he asked it with such a soft voice, it was enough for the dam to finally break. dropping to the floor almost painfully, sobs racked your body as the weight of the nights events came crashing down, physically pulling you down. kaz was never one to be left speechless or shocked, but this managed to do so. normally, you are amongst the strongest in the crows mentally and emotionally, having only cried in front of them twice; once when you got shot on a heist and thought you were going to die, and once when you came to his office in the middle of the night after a nightmare. yet here you were, completely broken in front of him, and he can’t even comfort you because of his own trauma.
you hadn’t been paying attention to the internal battle your lover was going through, trying to calm your breathing so you didn’t pass out. taking a few deep breaths in, you dug your nails into the palms of your hands, nearly breaking the skin but oddly enough it seemed to be one of the only things that was managing to calm you down. you knew that kaz would never be able to provide the physical comfort you wanted and you had come to be okay with that. all that was needed was his mere presence, the knowledge that he was in the room and that was enough to immediately make you feel safer. so when you felt cold, shaky hands wiping the tears away from your face, it startled you and had you snapping out of your zoned out state, the sight in front of you making your heart swell and tears spring to your eyes once again.
kaz was sitting on the floor in front of you, his entire body tense. his eyes were piercing into yours, trying to focus on them instead of the water that threatened to pull him under. you found herself leaning into his touch, and just when kaz thought the water was going to drown him, it receded along with the haunting sight of jordie's pale face and dead, pale eyes staring at him; instead, all he could see was your face, eyes closed and seemingly at peace with the feeling of his hand on your soft, warm cheek. realizing that the waves were merely lapping at his feet and not rising, he moved his other hand and intertwined his fingers with your own, his thumb slowly drawing circles on the skin. after a few more minutes of silence, you finally spoke up, voice still shaky and coated in fear.
"he attacked me out of nowhere and he wouldn't let me go. i didn't know what to do, kaz."
you had barely managed to finish your sentence before the anxiety and panic washed over you again, flashes of his face twisted in anger and disgust passing through her mind, seemingly taunting you.
kaz didn't need to ask who you were talking about, thinking back on the story you had told him months ago about your tortured past; before you found yourself joining the crows, you had been forced to work in the menagerie alongside inej. after a year of being trapped there, you had long since grown accustomed to the mistreatment of your clients, the bruises and scars no longer bothering you. however, an unknown man had strolled in one day, seating himself at the bar and raking his eyes over each girl until they landed on you. something about this man felt different, more dangerous than the usual scum of Ketterdam. as soon as he had you locked away in a private room, the nightmare began; every time he came in, the beatings would be like nothing you had ever experienced before, and he had even gone so far as to carve his initials into the skin of your inner thigh in one instance when he came in furious. this went on for 8 months until one day, he stopped coming in and you were informed he went out for business in east ravka and likely wouldn't return, and he hadn't--until tonight.
with this knowledge in mind, kaz automatically knew you meant that retched man, and he felt his blood begin to boil and he was ready to storm out of the slat, wanting nothing more than to beat him bloody with his bare hands. he would have done so in that instant if it weren't for what you said next.
"i killed him. if i didn't, he would have finally killed me. so i took the dagger inej gave me and i stabbed him in the neck, and i watched him bleed out before i ran."
as soon as the words left your mouth, you felt a weight lifting from your chest and the realization that you were finally free of him made a small, relieved laugh leave your mouth.
upon seeing that you were finally calm, kaz stood up and held his hand out to you and you gladly took it, tugging yourself back up to your feet. you looked down at your hands and grimaced, the dried blood making you feel uncomfortable. kaz noticed you staring at your hands and squeezed it, gaining your attention.
"right love, let's get you cleaned up" he murmured, already tugging you towards the bathroom. he lightly pushed you inside, letting go of your hand and going back out to the room to grab you a clean change of clothes. he was only gone a few minutes but in that time, you had already stripped off your clothes and climbed into the bath, washing off the blood from your arms and face, no longer being able to stand the way it made your skin feel.
kaz simply watched you, moving to hand you the towel once he was certain you were finished. climbing out of the bath, you turned to look at the man behind you who seemed more nervous than you’d ever seen him.
you smiled at him, the mischievous glint in your eyes that kaz had come to adore finally returning.
“can you turn around please? i need to get dressed, unless you’d like to watch that too” you teased, your smile growing at the sight of kaz actually blushing, something he only ever did with you.
he quickly turned around, clumsily hitting his hip on the doorknob, pulling a soft laugh out of you.
you changed quickly, wanting to lay down and sleep to hopefully forget about tonight’s events.
“i’m done, darling. you can turn around now, or you can continue staring at the door if you’d like” the joking tone in your voice was enough to dissolve the remaining tension in kaz’s body, finally turning back around to look at you. when he did so, he felt the breath get caught in his throat at the sight of you wearing an old dress shirt of his. sure, you had done it a few times before but it never ceases to amaze him at the effect it has on him, and he’d always find himself fighting back the urge to hold you, terrified that the physical touch would suffocate him.
tonight, though, he felt something change in him; jordie came to mind once again, but this time it wasn’t of his slimy, rubbery skin. instead, it was jordie telling kaz to not be afraid, to allow himself to properly love the woman in front of him, and kaz couldn’t find it in him to disagree this time.
taking note of the way he was staring at you, you felt your face heat up and what felt like butterflies to erupt in your belly, causing you to lower your head slightly.
glancing at him through your lashes, you couldn’t help but babble out, “why are you staring at me like that?”
this seemed to snap him out of his head, his lips curling up into a smile. before you could ask him what was going on, he was in front of you, his hand caressing your cheek once again, the words dying in your throat.
“can i kiss you?” he blurted out, causing your eyes to widen. you were shocked because in all the time you had been together, not once had kaz been so open with physical contact like tonight, much less had he asked to kiss you. he noticed your silence and it worried him, causing him to start pulling away. before he could, though, you had placed your hand on top of his, ceasing his movements.
peering up at him, your eyes were flickering between his lips and his eyes, before you finally stammered out a response.
“please kiss me.”
for the first time, he didn’t hesitate and placed his lips on yours, his thumb rubbing your cheek softly as your lips moved together, his being surprisingly soft. you pulled away after a minute, not wanting to overwhelm him too much and also needing to take a moment to breathe. he leaned his forehead on yours, his breathing having gotten slightly heavier.
"are you okay, love?" you asked, wanting to make sure all of the touching was okay with him.
all he could do was let out a pleasant hum, taking another moment to bask in the feeling of you. a few minutes later, he lifted his head and placed one more kiss to your lips before pulling away, the small smile on his face still present.
"i love you, my little crow. nobody will ever hurt you again" he declared, the absolute certainty in his voice making your heart flutter.
"i love you, kaz brekker. nothing will ever change that." you admired, your voice airy but determined.
that night, you both recognized the underlying meaning of your words--if someone ever dared to hurt one of you, the other would burn the city to the ground, so long as vengeance was exacted.
#( aria’s version 🕸️)#shadow and bone#six of crows#grishaverse#kaz brekker#inej ghafa#kaz brekker imagine#shadow and bone imagine#six of crows imagine#freddy carter#kaz brekker fic#kaz brekker x reader
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to the bone ━━━ a six of crows one-shot.
spoiler warning: this is not a safe space for fans who have only watched the show and do not want to have wylan's story spoiled for them in case we get the spin-off. this one-shot is based off a scene that is referenced in six of crows, and contains heavy spoilers for wylan's backstory which hasn't yet been explored in the showverse (I say "yet" because I'm holding onto hope that we'll get that spin-off asdfghjkl).
summary: ever since jan van eck had hired him for the mission at the ice court, kaz intended to use wylan as leverage against his father. but wylan had known from the start, from the moment that kaz had told him that he'd be excellent at hostage, that that wouldn't be effective. not when he'd been nothing but a disappointment to his father. not when van eck was hellbent on forgetting that he ever had a son. wylan couldn't keep it hidden anymore. kaz needed to know the truth. (or: the scene where wylan tells kaz about his disability.)
author's note: this work is a submission for grishaverse disability pride day by @gvdisabledpride that will also be available on ao3, so if you also see this work there... that's why :)
content warning: descriptions of ableism, mentions of past child abuse, ptsd
ABOARD THE FEROLIND after the battle at the Djerholm harbour, Wylan lay curled up in his cot below deck, waiting for the moment the sway of the ship would lull him to sleep.
Except he knew it probably wouldn't. He'd been lying in his cot for what felt like hours, tossing and turning, desperately trying to silence his racing thoughts and just fall asleep. He tried to focus on the sound of the sea muffled by the hull of the Ferolind, on the sway of the ship as it journeyed closer and closer to Ketterdam — but the freezing cold wasn't doing him any favours, and neither was that anxious gnawing in his gut.
The mission had been, considerably, a success: they'd escaped the Ice Court in one piece, with Kuwei Yul-Bo stashed away in one of the other cabins and the promise of thirty million kruge awaiting them back in Ketterdam. Wylan would get his share and leave this life behind. He'd journey somewhere far away, never having to speak the name Van Eck again.
Van Eck…
Wylan swallowed the bile rising up inside him. Kaz had intended to use him as leverage against his father, lest the plan go awry and Van Eck was suddenly uncooperative. “Wylan isn’t just good with the flint and fuss,” he'd announced that first day on the Ferolind, right before he'd revealed Wylan's true identity to the rest of the crew. “He's our insurance.”
Wylan shut his eyes, curled up tighter in his cot. His heart was starting to beat a little faster, a hummingbird trapped inside a cage, and he forced his breath slowly through his chest — a deep breath through his nose, shattering the silence that had thickened around him. Kaz had kept him close to use him as leverage against Van Eck, but one thing the older boy wasn't aware of was that Wylan couldn't be their insurance. Not when his father wanted him to disappear. Not when he was attempting to forget he ever had a son. Not when his new wife, Alys, was bearing the heir of the Van Eck empire — a proper hier, not the defective one he’d received in Wylan. Not the one who’d turn the Van Eck name into a laughingstock.
I have to tell Kaz.
Instinctively, his fingers reached up to touch his neck. He could still feel Prior's meaty hands clasped tightly around it, his grip firm and relentless as Wylan grew dizzy and black spots slowly filled his vision. He sat up, hoping the feeling would subside if he got up and let more air fill his lungs — and yet, the feeling of his throat constricting persisted, and a suffocating, uncontrollable panic welled up in him.
He hugged his knees to his chest and slowly rocked himself back and forth with his head buried in his arms, horrified by how his breath was coming out in short, shallow whimpers as the memories came flooding back, by how the tears prickled the corners of his eyes as his father's voice echoed in his ears.
A child half your age can effortlessly do what you cannot.
I've tried everything I possibly could. I've tried tutors, specialists, I've tried forcing that stubbornness out of you and yet you refuse to be taught.
You can't be sent anywhere because your defect might be revealed.
“Get out of my head,” Wylan whimpered, grabbing fistfuls of his hair as he continued to rock himself back and forth. “Get out of my head.”
Once you reveal yourself to be defective, they'll turn your back on you. They'll leave you as you were: the wayward son of one of the richest men in Ketterdam.
“Get… Get out of my head.”
But the voice was persistent, unwelcome. You worthless fool. You soft-pated idiot.
He pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes, blinking back the tears that formed a painful lump in his throat. He swallowed, trying to force it down to no avail, and a fresh flare of panic swelled within him. Someone could walk into his cabin at any moment and see him in this state: rocking back and forth with his head in his hands, chest shuddering over and over as he gasped for air, begging the voice in his head to lapse into silence. And yet, there was nothing he could do about it. He felt detached from his own body, as though he were watching himself from the perspective of an outsider, helpless against the wave of shame overcoming him.
He stayed like that until the jittery feeling coursing through him had subsided enough for him to think rationally again. Above that irrefutable voice in the back of his mind, he once again thought about revealing his greatest shame to Kaz. What would happen if he just stayed there on his cot, if he never told Kaz that he couldn't be used as leverage against his father? And what would happen if Van Eck double-crossed them, and there wasn't any good enough insurance to ensure that the six of them would get their money? Their efforts would have been futile, and none of them would get what they'd initially sought — and it might as well be his fault.
His body starting to tremble, Wylan forced himself to stand up from his cot. Just do one thing at a time. Just like his tutor had taught him in order to stop him from getting overwhelmed by the page. Stand up. He slid off the edge of the cot, straightened as his feet touched the ground. Take a deep breath. He closed his eyes, took another deep breath through his nose. Open your eyes. He opened his eyes and forced himself to walk. Go find Kaz. He assumed Kaz would be in his own cabin, scheming away, concocting backup plans for their backup plans in case anything went wrong.
He quietly left his cabin, making his way down the Ferolind's lower deck to find Kaz. He found the older boy sitting on the cot in his own cabin, staring intently at the floor with one hand gripping the crow head of his cane.
“Kaz?” Wylan swallowed frantically, his skin burning hot as he fought the words to come through. “I… I won't be leverage enough against my father. I know I'm supposed to be your… insurance, but I can't be. It won't be enough.”
Kaz sat up straighter, his free hand curling over the head of his cane as he looked up at Wylan. “And why is that?”
Something about Kaz's cold glare, his rock-salt rasp as he asked the question, sent a chill rippling over every inch of Wylan's skin. He wanted to scream. He wanted to bolt back to his cabin, hide beneath the paper-thin covers until he vanished completely. He wanted the floor to open up beneath him, to be dragged by the rolling waves into the depths of the sea. He wanted to disappear, just like his father wanted him to.
I have to tell him.
“I…” The roar of blood in his ears was deafening, drowning out the murmur of the waves outside the Ferolind's hull. That shameful helplessness was taut in his belly, a knot incapable of coming unravelled.
You just have to say it. You just have to say you can't read.
His father's taunts reverberated in his mind. Defective. Imbecile. Worthless. Broken. Disgraceful. Idiot. Useless. He was choking on them. They pressed against his throat like Prior's iron grip closing around it all those months ago, dirty fingernails digging into the skin of his neck. His cheeks burnt with shame despite the cold sweat that had broken out over every part of his body. His heart was a war drum beneath his ribs, his chest too tight, his breath too short and shallow. Take a deep breath. He couldn't. His clothes felt tight around his body — too tight, as though they stuck to him.
“I… I have an affliction.” Uttering those words aloud was enough to send a violent roil through Wylan's stomach, and he had to stop himself from throwing up. This was it. There was no taking back those words: he was halfway there.
Kaz merely sat there, looking rather impatient with his gloved hands folded over the crow's head of his cane. Wylan couldn't imagine what he looked like in this moment: red-faced, a trembling hand near his lips as if he were about to bite his nails, his eyes not meeting Kaz's.
It felt like the walls of the cabin were closing in on him, Prior's hands tightening around his throat as the latter half of his confession choked him. The waters he'd leapt into all those months ago were rising around him, filling his lungs and numbing his limbs with its icy grasp. He tried to fight against it, but the water was weighing him down, his limbs useless against the tide as he drowned in the murky waters of the Ketterdam harbour.
He drew another deep, shuddering breath.
Spit it out.
“I… I can't read,” he finally gasped, and the water receded.
There. He'd said it. He'd revealed his shame to Kaz, his voice barely above a whisper lest the sea around them carry his shame across its rolling waves and let the whole world know about Jan Van Eck's defective child.
Kaz's piercing glare was still on him, as if expecting him to say more. His expression remained as cold and calculating as ever — had he known about this too, just as he'd known about Wylan's true identity? Did Wylan have any tells that gave away his shame — his face growing pale at the sight of the tangled scrawl of words across a page, staring at it for too long hoping that he'd recognise the shapes of the words? Or had Kaz been surprised? Had this been the one thing he hadn't seen coming? His gaze was piercing and unreadable, but Wylan sucked in another breath and continued, trying to keep his voice steady.
“It's not that no one tried to teach me, lots of people did. But I just can't do it. It's like something in me refuses to do it.” That was what his father used to drill into him throughout his childhood, and the memory filled him with a sickening dread.
“I'm…” Wylan moistened his lips thoughtfully, trying to phrase his next words carefully without having the entire shameful story out in the open. The story of his father sending him away, supposedly to study music in Belendt. Of his Miggson and Prior trying to kill him, of him leaping into the murky canal with nothing but his satchel, fake enrolment papers and a soaked-through stash of kruge. “To him, I'm not worth losing. You can't use me as leverage if I'm not good enough insurance. There has to be another way around this, because this won't work. I know it won't.”
Kaz averted his gaze thoughtfully, then shrugged before standing up, leaning on his cane. That was his only response — a shrug. Had Wylan not been so afraid, so shaken by that shameful helplessness, he would have burst out laughing: he'd just revealed his defect to Kaz Brekker — the Bastard of the Barrel, the boy they called Dirtyhands in the grimy streets of the Barrel — and he'd merely shrugged. Shouldn't he be concerned with what to do with Wylan, now that he'd found out that his demolitions expert was just a useless fool evicted from his father's home?
“We'll have to work around that, then,” Kaz responded in that low, raspy voice. His eyes met Wylan's, boring into him as though searching for some semblance of worth within him, something that would compensate for his other failings. A pinprick of discomfort shot up Wylan's spine at the prolonged eye contact, but Kaz's eyes left his as he scanned Wylan from the top of his head down to the tips of his toes and back up again.
Wylan just stood there, completely stunned. He'd expected Kaz to sneer at him, or laugh at his affliction and refuse to give him his share of their reward once they'd reached Ketterdam. He'd expected the knot in his stomach to tighten, the shame growing, but he felt it loosen ever so slightly with the odd sense of relief and liberation that came with revealing his condition to Kaz.
“And how do you suppose we do that?” Wylan asked, his voice a low croak. “What other leverage could we possibly use?”
Kaz looked towards the door of his cabin, then back at Wylan. Kaz Brekker saw the world as though it were a puzzle, and he studied Wylan like he was a piece of that puzzle that didn't fit where he'd thought it would — but now, it seemed, he'd found another place he could slot that piece into without having to tear the entire project apart. “Lest Van Eck double-crosses us, we'll have to stop him from getting what he wants.”
Wylan's brow furrowed. “And how, exactly, would we do that?”
“Nina's a passable Tailor at best — but, under the influence of parem, she could achieve something that shouldn't be possible. Not even in the hands of the most gifted Tailor.” Wylan swallowed thickly as Kaz continued. “We'll have her tailor you to look like Kuwei, and hand you off to your father.”
Wylan's heart stuttered at that. He was no stranger to Kaz's elaborate and unbelievable schemes — after all, they'd stolen a tank from a high-security prison — but this was different. This was absurd. Wylan agreeing to be tailored to look like Kuwei was a death wish: the Shu boy was valuable, certainly with large bounties on his head. He held the secret to the world's greatest threat, one that could wreak havoc if it fell into the wrong hands. Wylan could have refused — he should have refused, if he wanted to make it back to Ketterdam alive. Instead, he cleared his throat and responded with an assertive, “I'll do it.”
For a split second, a surprised look flashed in Kaz's eyes, but disappeared as quickly as it came. He expected me to refuse, Wylan thought as his cheeks heated with embarrassment once again.
“It may be permanent,” Kaz warned him.
Wylan shook his head. “I need to know. Once and for all, I need to know what my father really thinks of me.”
Kaz cast him an almost pitying look. “Surely Van Eck would have some qualms about ending your life—”
“He wouldn't,” Wylan asserted, picking at the skin of his lip, that ill feeling returning as the reality dawned on him. Van Eck had tried to kill him once, what would stop him from trying again? “I'll bet you that.”
“How much?”
“Ten kruge.”
Kaz's lip curled in a grin. “Surely your father wouldn't be so callous.”
Wylan shrugged. “You'd be surprised.”
“Nothing surprises me, merchling. That's why I'm still alive.” Kaz walked past Wylan and made his way to the cabin's entrance. “I'm going to fill Nina in on the plan. Go to her cabin within the hour.”
Wylan nodded as Kaz left the cabin, leaving Wylan alone with nothing but his own racing thoughts. When he'd finally gotten himself to move, he walked back to his own cabin and propped himself down on his cot, his body still trembling with the aftermath of confessing his greatest shame to Kaz. His fingers itched the way they always did whenever he yearned to play his flute or the piano in the music room of his father's house. Ghezen and his works, he wanted nothing more than to snatch his satchel up from the foot of his cot and grab his flute. He wanted to close his eyes and bring the instrument to his lips, letting the world disappear around him as the notes wrapped him in his own story — one free of the shame and fear he'd carried for so long, one that made his heart flutter with joy as the music flooded a soothing warmth through him. But he couldn't bring himself to even glance in the direction of his satchel.
He thought back to Kaz's unchanged expression at his admission, the light, dismissive shrug of his shoulders. The shame still gnawed at Wylan, but there was also the strange relief of getting something off his chest despite it, as though telling Kaz had freed something in him — something that had been encased in the chains of his father's contempt for as long as he could remember.
It's not too late to decline, pressed that voice in the back of his mind.
He shook his head assertively — if this is what had to be done to ensure the crew got their money, then so be it. And yet… he was terrified and horribly anxious.
He looked down at his hands, his eyes tracing over the creases of his slender fingers, the little scars with no clear origin along his skin, the crescent outlines on his palms from digging his nails into them. Within the hour, they weren't going to be his hands anymore — they'd be Kuwei's. Slowly, he buried his face in his hands, sighing deeply as his fingers raked through the tufts of hair that brushed his forehead. The face in his hands wouldn't be his anymore, and neither would the hair between his fingers. With Nina's power, he'd soon become the most valuable person in the world. He was terrified, but that wouldn't stop him from doing what he needed to. From ensuring that he and the rest of this crew got their money.
From finally learning what his father truly thought of him.
Van Eck had made it clear as Wylan grew up that there was no space for his son in his household. He'd made it clear that he wanted Wylan disappear for as long as it took him to forget that he ever had a son. And yet, a part of him hoped that maybe he'd misunderstood everything. That his father did indeed love him unconditionally just as any father loved his child.
Wylan lifted his head from his hands and started gnawing at his thumbnail. He wouldn't know for certain until the rest of Kaz's plan was carried out, when his face and name were no longer his.
#gvdisabilitypride#long post#i'm pretty nervous about this because ihatemywriting#but oh well#i tried to write kaz as accurately as possible#but as a wylan kinnie i found it a little tricky#but i tried and that's the main thing#can you tell i've been thinking a lot about this scene#six of crows fic#six of crows fanfic#wylan my beloved#wylan van eck#wylan hendricks#jack wolfe#autistic wylan van eck#kaz brekker#kazzle dazzle#freddy carter#six of crows#crooked kingdom#grishaverse#shadow and bone#seige and storm#ruin and rising#shadow and bone netflix#shadow and bone season two#shadow and bone season three#six of crows spin off#soc spin off
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Bed Sharing– a Kanej Fanfic
[Read on AO3]
He didn't want her to placate him with an embrace. He just wanted to sleep next to her without the threat of her arms and legs, and her insanely silky hair suffocating him. But he complied nonetheless and lowered himself towards her, letting her wrap her arms around him.
...
In which Kaz just wants to share a bed with Inej but she has some peculiar sleeping habits that might cause discomfort to him.
Light humor and fluff cause i simply adore the canon fluffy Kanej :3
Sharing the same bed, falling asleep right next to each other, arms and legs casually tangled together. It was another act of intimacy that was of utmost significance for the both of them.
Kaz had given up on ever experiencing such trivial yet invaluable moments of life due to the nature of his sickness. At least that's what he believed until a petite suli girl dared to not just sneak up on him but also offered to help him. The notorious Dirtyhands! She wasn't just another girl with pretty ribbons or a sort of sidle in her walk. She was kind and forgiving despite her circumstances. And like the graceful acrobat that she was raised to be, Inej Ghafa smoothly scaled her way into his heart.
Unfortunately, it took her getting stabbed by the rival gang for him to realize that his Wraith had become his reason. He had never given thought to what would come after he was done with his revenge. After he had defeated Rollins in his own game. After he had brought that wretched son of a bitch to his knees. But Inej, with her Suli platitudes and soft brown eyes, made him truly wonder about the prospect of a future. Of actually living for more than just money and contempt.
And so, after years of struggles in working towards healing from their respective traumas, they laid together in bed.
Kaz had imagined this moment being far more dramatic and exhilarating. Expected it to bring a sense of fulfillment. A warm and heady sort of contentment that Jordie used to read about in his story books.
However, when Kaz woke up in the middle of the night, he could not associate any of those endearing descriptions with his current predicament. No, it wasn't the sensation of waves lapping at him. They hardly ever bothered him anymore. It was just the general discomfort with the way Inej's leg draped on his belly and her impossibly long hair spilled over his face. And to top it off, she seemed content. Peacefully asleep in her peculiar position.
Kaz didn't remember falling asleep like this.
He tried fidgeting away but she crept closer to the warmth that his body radiated. He tried gently moving her off of him but mere moments later, she turned towards him and resumed her oddly-comforting position.
He puffed out an annoyed breath to blow her hair away from his face and sat up, her leg sliding down into his lap.
“Inej” He called.
Unfortunately, she didn't even budge.
Kaz frowned. He was nothing if not vengeful. How could she coax him into getting some proper sleep then not let him have any?
He placed a hand on her shoulder and shook her. “Inej”
This time her brows knitted at the disturbance. “Saints..”
“Not your Saints”, He grumbled. “It's me.”
“Something..happ..ened?” Inej mumbled as she rubbed her eyes and pulled out her cherished bone-handled knife from under the pillows.
“No.” Kaz replied, watching her hand immediately tuck the knife back. Then drily added, “I just can't sleep thanks to you throwing your limbs all over me.”
Inej chuckled and drowsily gazed up at him.
“Come here.” She beckoned with open arms.
He didn't want her to placate him with an embrace. He just wanted to sleep next to her without the threat of her arms and legs, and her insanely silky hair suffocating him. But he complied nonetheless and lowered himself towards her, letting her wrap her arms around him.
Inej pressed her lips upon his. Lightly. Sleepily. And by the time he finally decided to give in to the affectionate gesture and return the kiss, Kaz felt her arms loosen from his back. He moved away slightly to find that she had drifted back into a calm slumber.
For a moment, Kaz stared at the sight of her beautiful face glowing under the foggy moonlight of Ketterdam. Laughed to himself about the suddenness of it all and then laid down next to her. Within moments he felt her scoot closer, a leg coming to rest upon his belly. Only this time, the bastard of the barrel didn't have the heart to rouse her from her sleep.
SOC Masterlist
Custom Divider by @skylightlantern
#been a minute since i wrote kanej xD#kanej#kaz brekker#inej ghafa#six of crows#crooked kingdom#grishaverse#kanej fanfiction#kanej fanfic#kanej fic#kanej fluff#kaz x inej#inej x kaz#freddy carter#amita suman
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In Sickness & In Health : Freddy Carter x Reader
Description: 3.5k wc, Freddy has been sick but pushed himself to go to a convention he'd previously committed to. He is home now and his wife makes it her mission to nurse him back to health. Fluff, sick comfort
Warnings: fluff, Freddy being too precious, sickness/illness, marriage terminology/phrases, cold symptoms.
“I land at four, can you please come and get me?” Freddy mumbled, his voice gruff from his cold. His wife y/n had pleaded with him to take it easy during the convention he had stubbornly refused to skip. As much as he was pleased to have been able to be there for the fans and not have backed out last minute due to his illness, he realized his wife may have had a point. He wasn’t too surprised, she usually did. Even if she was frequently overprotective of him, she usually ended up being right with these things. Such is the case today. Freddy could barely even utter the request, his throat aching with each syllable.
Y/n frowned to herself as she heard the way her husband Freddy’s voice cracked. “Of course, my love,” she replied, sighing softly as the request was another sign of how out of it he was. After all, she would always pick him up from the airport whenever he had a trip she didn’t/couldn’t attend with him. They always tried to travel together and she truly wished she could’ve gone with him this time given he’d been sick before he even left their home. But, y/n had a work commitment that she couldn’t get out of that kept her from being able to go with him this time and he refused to stay home and get better. The crackling behind his words made any faint desire to smugly say 'I told you so' dissipate. Her husband was truly more ill than when he'd left, and it didn’t matter that she’d tried to keep it from getting to this point, that she’d warned him that this would happen. The only thing that mattered now was that he got home so she could take care of him until he was better. Then maybe she could say 'I told you so'. “Just try and sleep on the plane, handsome, and I’ll be there to get you as soon as you get in”.
Y/n kept her eyes peeled as she waited for her husband to walk down the ramp. She was waiting in the arrivals section of the airport with his checked bag. She’d already texted him to let him know he could skip baggage claim. Y/n’s lips curled downwards into a pout upon seeing the exhausted state Freddy was in as he slowly made his way down the ramp. Her heart tightened in her chest as she took in the redness in his cheeks and tip of his nose, the way he’d yawned twice already, and how defeated he looked.
Freddy’s eyes slowly searched the airport as he made his way down to where he knew his loving wife was waiting to greet him. He couldn’t wait to be back with her, in their home, where he knew he’d get the love and support he needed to feel better. It took him a few painstakingly slow glances to find her, but when he did, he already felt faintly better. Y/n was here. He was home.
Y/n bit her lip bashfully as she noticed Freddy’s reaction to spotting her. Despite his ill state, she watched his eyes shimmer as soon as they met hers. The smile that instantly graced his lips prompted a matching one to form on y/n’s face. However, as she watched his pace pick up slightly, she lovingly shook her head. Y/n hummed to herself as she walked closer to him so he wasn’t speed-walking for too long since she knew he was already low on energy.
Y/n smiled warmly at Freddy as she carefully pulled his body to her chest. She closed her eyes as his arms slid around her tightly before he nuzzled into her embrace. Y/n rubbed his back through his black hoodie as she let him rest for a few moments, his body faintly leaning on her for support. She frowned to herself as she heard him sniffle. “Let’s get you home, honey,” y/n purred into his ear.
“Thank-" Freddy began, stopping as his voice broke. He sighed and turned away as he cleared his throat. “Thank you for getting my bag,” he repeated, voice still cracking. Freddy went to grab the handle of his checked bag from where it was positioned next to y/n, but she shook her head and pulled it away from him.
“Shhh, sweetie,” y/n pleaded, cupping Freddy’s left cheek with her palm. “You don’t need to talk, nor thank me for that,” she stated warmly. “Just save your voice, love”. She tenderly squeezed his flushed cheek before moving her hand down to grab his. With one hand intertwined with Freddy’s and the other dragging his suitcase, she silently began to lead them in the direction of their car.
Freddy attempted to reply, but his voice cracked right at the start of his sentence. Nevertheless, he knew y/n heard his faint attempt as her head whipped towards him. He sighed lightly as he gave up on trying to talk to his wife. This stupid cold wasn’t making that an option right now. Instead, Freddy gave her a loving look as he squeezed her hand.
Y/n sighed lightly, hating how sick her precious husband was. She once again shook her head lovingly at his stubbornness. “Come on, my sweet boy,” y/n hummed as she smiled warmly at him.
As they made it to the car, y/n had to scold Freddy as he tried to load his own suitcase. Yet, it seemingly wasn’t enough for him to understand that she wasn’t going to allow him to do anything he didn’t absolutely have to right now.
“I can drive,” Freddy stated weakly as he reached for the keys in y/n’s hand.
“Freddy,” y/n groaned, moving the keys out of his reach.
Freddy frowned. “You c-came all the way to get-“ He began, voice croaking.
“Enough of that,” y/n shushed. “I know you like to drive for me, but not right now,” she said softly. She pulled open the passenger door and nodded towards the seat. “Please get in the car before I shove you in it,” y/n teasingly threatened.
Freddy’s eyes widened. He chuckled briefly, but it quickly turned into a cough.
Y/n frowned and stroked Freddy’s cheek as she waited for his coughing to end. When it did, she brushed some hair from his clammy forehead. “Come on now, please?” Y/n requested, giving Freddy a knowing look.
Freddy nodded his head slowly before he slid into the passenger seat. He watched as y/n helped him buckle before she closed the door and made her way to the other side of the car. Despite how exhausted he was and how heavy his eyes felt, he kept a close eye on her to ensure she was safe; even if it was a short distance.
When y/n entered the car, she smiled over at Freddy, knowing he’d been watching her the whole time. She took hold of his hand and squeezed it. “Shouldn’t be too long, traffic wasn’t bad today,” y/n encouraged. “You can sleep on the way though”.
Y/n had been running her thumb over the back of Freddy’s hand repeatedly as she drove them home. She was pleased Freddy hadn’t tried to talk again, hating how painful it sounded like it was got him to do so. But, she could nonetheless sense him watching her. “What is it, love?” Y/n asked, glancing over at him as she pulled up to a stop light.
“I missed you,” Freddy croaked.
Y/n squeezed Freddy’s hand and smiled tenderly. “I missed you too, Freddy, honey,” she hummed. “And, I expect to hear all about your trip as soon as your voice is better”.
Freddy nodded with a small smile. He weakly squeezed y/N’s hand as he continued staring at her through his tired eyes. “You- you were right though,” Freddy mumbled bashfully.
Y/n tsked and shook her head. “Doesn’t matter now, just close your eyes,” she advised.
“But-“ Freddy argued.
“No buts, rest,” y/n said firmly. “We’ll be home soon,” she promised. Y/n glanced over at him and blew him a kiss before facing the street again. She couldn’t wait to get him home and into bed so he could rest properly.
Y/n laughed lightheartedly as she wiped Freddy’s clammy forehead. “Honey,” she cooed. “I’m going to get sick if you’re sick, that’s part of the deal,” y/n smiled, stroking his cheek. She watched Freddy continue to fight with himself over the situation.
When they’d gotten home, y/n had convinced Freddy to lie down. She then went and got extra blankets as he’d been having some chills. Once she’d changed clothes, she joined Freddy in their bed to keep a close eye on him. When another chill took over Freddy, he found himself wanting to cuddle and instinctively moved closer to y/n. However, he quickly realized his oversight and had dramatically moved away; almost falling off the bed in the process. Y/n managed to pull an explanation out of Freddy and learned it was because he was worried he was going to get her sick.
Y/n could see Freddy’s protective hesitation in his eyes and she shook her head. She carefully gripped his bicep and pulled him back from the edge of the bed and towards her. “Shhh,” she whispered to keep him from arguing or otherwise trying to speak. “Just let me hold you,” y/n requested demanded lovingly, pulling him even closer.
Y/n hummed in relief when Freddy finally relaxed and let himself melt into her embrace. She pulled the blankets over the both of them, tucking the top end of the fabric under Freddy’s chin. Her arms held his frail body to her chest as she watched his tired eyes struggle to stay open.
“Just relax,” y/n purred quietly, “close your eyes”. She tightened her embrace as she listened closely to Freddy’s breathing. Her own breathing settled when she heard his become lighter. She cautiously glanced down at him to check if he was asleep. Upon seeing his eyes closed, eyelashes splayed out over his high cheekbones, y/n grinned to herself. Her poor sweet sick husband was finally home. And she was going to see to it that he got better.
“Shhhh,” y/n rushed out as Freddy tried to express his discomfort. “Shh, I know, I know,” she assured him, rushing back to his bedside. Y/n felt his clammy forehead with the back of her hand and sighed in minimal relief since his fever had at least not gotten worse during his nap. “Try some tea for me, Freddy,” she encouraged, moving on to the next of his primary symptoms.
Freddy nodded his head weakly, letting y/n help him slide upwards. Once his back was resting against the headboard and not his pillows, he cautiously took the mug of tea from his wife. A small smile formed on his lips as he sipped the liquid; y/n had made it precisely the way he liked it. “-is good,” Freddy mumbled.
Y/n giggled and pressed a kiss to the top of her husband Freddy’s head. “I’m glad, love,” she mused. “I am going to get started on lunch, okay? I was thinking of making some soup,” y/n explained.
Freddy shivered under the covers and pouted. “Wha-“ he coughed and sighed before looking back up at his wife. “What time is it?” He asked.
Y/n raised an eyebrow at Freddy before responding. “It’s three, darling, why?” She asked skeptically, worried he’d be trying to get up and be productive.
Freddy thought silently for a moment before his eyes widened. “You ha-had that trip to-“ he began, his voice cracking.
Y/n shook her head and sat on the edge of the bed beside Freddy. “Shhh,” she whispered, playing with his disheveled hair. “I canceled that, don’t fret.”
Freddy sighed deeply, which resulted in a coughing fit. He quickly turned his head away from y/n as he tucked his face into his elbow. He felt y/n rubbing his back supportively as he worked through the coughing fit. As he leaned back, he glanced over at her with a sorrowful expression.
“Don’t,” y/n warned. “I already know what you’re going to say, what’s going on in that beautiful mind of yours,” she hummed with a smile. “But, I don’t mind. The girls understand. Besides, you come first. Always.” Seeing Freddy was going to still respond, y/n silenced him with the placement of her pointer finger over his chapped lips. “Not a word. I don’t regret it in the slightest. In sickness and in health, yeah?” She winked. “Now, for some chapstick, before those beautiful lips of yours split,” y/n said as she rose from the bed.
“I shouldn’t have pushed it at the conference,” Freddy groaned. He held his head as he prayed for the medicine y/n gave him to kick in. Feeling y/N tucking him back into the blankets on the couch, he opened his eyes and grabbed her hand. “Sorry I didn’t listen,” He mumured.
“It’s okay, I’m just sorry you’re in pain, honey,” y/n frowned, squeezing Freddy’s hand. “But hey,” she whispered as she brushed from hair from his eyes, “I’m right here, you’re okay now, I won’t let you overdo it, hmmm?”. She smiled softly as Freddy nodded and tugged on her hand to silently ask her to sit with him.
Y/n watched as Freddy snuggled even closer to her. She wrapped her arms around the pile of blankets covering his body. Once he seemed satisfied with his position, y/n moved one hand up to check his temp. She smiled in relief upon seeing that his temp had lowered a decent amount. As she moved her hand van down to hold Freddy, she noticed he was watching her closely with a pout on his lips. “What is it cutie?” She hummed.
Freddy’s flushed cheeks deepened in saturation at the nickname from y/n but he shook his head. He wordlessly kept his eyes on her lips.
Y/n suppressed a giggle as she tracked Freddy’s focus back to her lips. She couldn’t help but smile at the dazed look in his eyes. Y/n shook her head softly before leaning in to give him a kiss. If her sweet boy wanted a kiss, she wasn't going to deny him; sick or not.
Freddy pulled back, squishing the blankets between the sofa and his back. “You’ll get sick,” he muttered.
Y/n smiled warmly in appreciation. She stroked Freddy’s cheek sweetly as she stared into his deep blue eyes. With the smile still on her face, y/n leaned back in. Her smile grew as Freddy eagerly accepted her lovingly defiant kiss.
"I know you're cold, but that blanket is gross now, you need a clean one,” y/n sighed, pleading with Freddy to let go of the dirty blanket. It has been a few days now that he’d been using the same blanket and y/n worried the germs that were surely on it were keeping him from getting better. Especially since y/n had watched him both practically snot on it and also cuddle with it as he napped.
Y/n smiled and pressed a tender kiss to the top of Freddy’s head in silent thanks when he finally let go of the fabric. “I already have another one ready for you, a clean one,” she smirked. Y/n sped-walked to the laundry room to toss the contaminated blanket into the wash. She quickly washed her hands in the sink before grabbing the laundry basket from the top of the dryer.
Y/n frowned as she watched Freddy angrily press buttons on the remote, a glare on his face. He’d been getting frustrated over nearly every little thing today and there wasn’t anything she could really do to help that. “What’s the problem, honey?” Y/n asked calmly as she walked back over to him.
“It’s not working,” Freddy groaned, his narrowed eyes flickering between the TV and the device in his hand.
Y/n hummed. “What’re you trying to do?” She inquired as she set the basket down on the coffee table.
“Change it back,” Freddy mumbled.
“To the movie channel?” Y/n guessed as she looked up at the television. When Freddy nodded grumpily, y/n set her hand on top of his. “May I?” She asked cautiously. Y/n squeezed his hand lovingly as he passed her the remote control.
“Better?” Y/n asked, effortlessly switching channels. She wasn’t sure exactly what Freddy had been doing, but it didn’t matter; it was fixed now. She smiled at Freddy’s sheepish nod, knowing he realized he’d been overacting to the minor inconvenience. “Look what I’ve got,” y/n grinned, lifting up the clean blanket.
“You’re so cute when you’re sick and needy,” Y/n mumured as she tucked Freddy into the blanket, burying him up to his chin. She giggled as Freddy blushed and snuggled into the blanket, murmuring something about it being warm. “I placed it in the dryer for a bit,” y/n confessed, proud of her innovative approach to keeping him warm.
“Are you feeling any better?” Y/n asked, brushing Freddy’s hair back from his face as he watched the random movie playing on their TV. A sigh of relief left her lips when he nodded. “Good, you look a bit better,” she agreed. “Did you even see how pale you were?” She pondered, thinking back to photos and videos she’d been sent during the convention.
Freddy nodded again. This time, he followed the silent acknowledgment up by scooting closer to his wife. He nuzzled into her side, smiling softly as she wrapped her arm around him.
“Don’t scare me like that again, Carter. Okay?” Y/n whispered, squeezing Freddy’s shoulder.
Freddy once again nodded. His hands dug around under the warm blanket until they found y/n’s distant hand. He took it in his and squeezed it as he brought it closer to him.
"Please stop wasting what's left of your voice on complaints about soup you can't even taste,” y/n groaned. “We are out of that brand now anyways,” she pointed out. “I’ll make some homemade soup tonight instead of store-bought, okay?”
Freddy looked up from his bowl of soup. He frowned and shook his head. “It’s fine,” he argued, his sick voice making it sound like he said ‘finD’ instead.
Y/n grinned softly as she walked over to her husband. She leaned down and kissed his forehead, “I don’t mind. Like I said, we’re out of the store-bought ones anyways”. “Plus, if you can actually taste it, I’m pleased to see you’re getting better”.
“I can’t,” Freddy admitted bashfully. When y/n playfully squinted at him, he tucked his bottom lip between his teeth. “I just know it’s not yours, yours is-“ he coughed, “better”.
Y/n giggled, “well, who would I be to deny you of my soup then?”. “Just finish that for now, you need sustenance and my soup will take a bit to make, okay?” She asked, nodding to the bowl in Freddy’s lap. When he began eating the soup, she smiled and stroked his face, “thank you”.
Y/n rinsed the serving spoon off in the sink before spinning around to face Freddy. “I love that you’re always so full of life,” she admitted, turning to place the spoon into the dishwasher. “But, right now, if you don’t let yourself rest, you’re going to be losing all of that life,” y/n scolded lovingly. “Now, go back and lay down, please”.
Freddy pouted as he turned and sulked out of the kitchen. He just wanted to help. Y/n had been taking care of him for the last several days and she just finished making a big batch of soup for him. He just wanted to at least help with the cleanup.
When y/n had finished putting everything away and had let the leftover soup cool enough, she placed it back in the fridge. Closing the dishwasher door, she dried her hands and quietly made her way back to the living room. She grinned as she noticed Freddy had finished his bowl of soup and promptly fell asleep. He was still very fatigued, but y/n was glad he was otherwise starting to feel better.
“Thank you for this week,” Freddy repeated, holding y/n closely. He buried his nose in her hair, happy he could once again smell the sweet scent of her shampoo and conditioner.
Y/n groaned dramatically. She shifted on Freddy’s embrace until they were face to face. She lifted her hands up and placed her palms against his cheeks. “Stop thanking me. You’re my husband, I’m always going to take care of you when you’re ill,” y/n reminded him warmly. “But, if you still want to thank me, I’d accept a kiss,” she smirked.
Freddy grinned widely and laughed. He shook his head lightly as he gazed at y/n. “Bloody hell, I love you,” he muttered. Freddy tenderly pulled y/n’s face closer to his as he closed his eyes and leaned in to reward her with a kiss as requested.
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Seawater (Kaz Brekker) part 2
Summary: After escaping from a trader who deals in human trafficking Ira finds herself drowning in more than just the ocean. When she thinks she's going to die - She stares into the endless depths of the Leader of the Crow Club and suddenly she is drowning in more than just the sea.
Pairing: Kaz Brekker x Fem!Oc
Warnings: Mention of SA, Angst, Slight Kaz Brekker OOC?
A/N: I have never read any of the books but have seen most of the show; it had been a while back but I hope I do this one-shot justice. I've revisited the show again so I wanted to write something.
Check Out My Workshop!
Part 1 here
She was crying. She was screaming; beating at the man with everything she had but the man wouldn't budge. Like a boulder with the mind of a bull. She hurt and no matter how much her voice raised in protest he wouldn't stop. They never do. They come and they go; using her up and throwing her away like an old rag once their money's worth was spent. And she'd be left alone, cold, and feeling as if no amount of soap, baths, or even the damned holy water of a priest would cleanse her body or mind from the horrors she endured. She saw the figure looming above her with that familiar glint in his eye that she'd come to know real well as he bounced a bag of Kruge in his palm while he leered at her.
"I think I'll keep yah gurl. You're worth more than I paid for yah."
And then she was screaming. Screaming bloody murder as he walked away. The terror she'd never felt before now tearing into her like hot iron when she realized she'd never escape this man. This hellhole just wouldn't let go of her; whatever shred of hope or light she had snuffed out in that one sentence. Her fist banged against the dirty floor as her sobs echoed in the dark and dank room she'd been held in for the last few years. Her saints have forsaken her now and she was alone.
~
Hands gripped her and it felt as if spiders crawled along her skin. She screamed out a broken sob as she fought with all the desperation she had in her body. She hated the feeling. She hated it so much; the feel of their skin along her own. Were they trying to hurt her? Were they going to use her like so countless others have? She wouldn't let them! She'd die before she'd let a man use her ever again!
"Hey! Calm down, it's alright. You're safe! You're alright little dove!"
The words were spoken frantically as hands grappled hers that flailed; smacking and shoving as if fighting off an offender. And then her eyes opened; they blurred and unfocused around the dimness of the room. So sparsely decorated with a single bed, a desk by a window, and a large trunk of drawers at the foot of her bed. A nightstand sat beside her bed where a single candlelight illuminated her surroundings only a few feet around her and for a moment her foggy brain thought she was back in that godforsaken cell.
But then the scent of familiar spice came on a shaky inhale into her lungs and rewired her brain. Citrus-like lemons, heady spice-like cinnamon, and the familiar gunpowder smoke. Each descriptive scent played on a loop in her head until her mind cleared and she slumped back into the man's arms like a dead weight.
Jesper.
It was only Jesper. Jesper wouldn't harm her. Jesper was safe. She was safe, Jesper was here with her. She repeated those words over and over in her head like a mantra as she tried to steady her frantic heartbeat. A pair of familiar bronze-colored hands hesitated as they released her arms that had been pinned in an X against her chest to keep her from flailing and instead slowly released her completely allowing the girl to pull her body from where it leaned against his.
"I'm sorry," she whispered closing her eyes. "I just - I thought-"
"It was just a nightmare." Jesper assured softly with a smile that slowly bloomed with a hesitant reassurance as brown eyes watched warily while the girl shifted to lean against the headboard; pulling the pillar in front of her and hugging it close as if shielding herself.
She looked down at her shaking hands as they gripped the pillow to her and they clenched even tighter still until her knuckles turned white and she had to bury her nose into the fabric to ground herself; inhaling the scent of the soap used to wash them - grateful beyond words when they smelled crisp and clean instead of the musty scent of that disgusting cell she'd been left to rot in.
She knew Jesper wouldn't hurt her but she was still so skittish when it came to trusting others - let alone allowing physical contact. It had taken her so long just to gather to courage to be in the same room as the man and it was only because he was the one to have jumped over that banister into the cold water to save her from drowning after the Heartrender stopped her heart. She'd owed him that much at least.
She was grateful that Jesper knew his limits, though. He'd seen the terror in her eyes on the most animalistic level that had his gut-wrenching to imagine what she'd been through to have such a reaction to a man so close to her. Ira didn't like to be touched; a fact clear as day and a thing he'd respected because she was not the only one in Jesper's circle that abhorred physical contact. The only difference was that he knew in his gut her reasoning.
He'd liked to think he earned a scrap of her trust - to allow him anywhere near her. Even in her two weeks of living with the Crows, it had been an uphill battle. It was so evident that Ira was still a girl who had lost much and Jesper found himself needing to protect her like a little sister. She wasn't particularly close with any of them but besides Jesper, the only one who'd given her any resemblance of comfort was Inej because she was a woman who had been through similar events as Ira herself. The brilliant thing about how Ira thought was how she could sense the intent in a person before she interacted with them; a trait she no doubt had learned through countless years of trauma. That trauma reflected in her eyes but he was not a blind man - more observant than people gave him credit for and he was ever grateful that he'd allowed her this closeness; little as it was right now, to allow him to stay close to her.
Then there was Kaz. Jesper couldn't wrap his head around the tension in the room whenever Ira and Kaz faced off. As if two wary animals stood on either side of the room wary of the other and hackles raised. Ira and Kaz Brekker were similar in their mistrust of people and of their touch aversion you'd think they would be on the same page. But it was as if they walked on eggshells around each other.
"D-did you just come back from another job?" Ira's big green eyes focused on the sharpshooter who looked as if he was out in thought again while he sat at the edge of her bed.
He blinked at her and gave her that ever-charming smile. "Why would you say that?"
Ira made a show of leaning over and dramatically sniffing him before her nose began to scrunch up and she pulled away. "Because you stink like you haven't bathed in a week!"
"My pride is wounded! I always smell nice!" Jesper's brown eyes widened in equal dramatization as he clasp a hand to his heart.
He wouldn't deny the fact that he felt such warmth in his heart whenever Ira had to courage to actually play like that with him regarding her past with men. She was starting to warm up to him at least and he felt such relief from that; it gave him the courage to push just a little bit to see her smile.
"I'm fine Jesper. Maybe going a little stir-crazy being locked away in this room all day...I've been reading the same two books for the past week." she gave a little shrug as she played with a string sticking from the blanket across her lap.
She knew she wasn't a prisoner here at the Slat. Inej would visit her when she wasn't scouting jobs. Jesper would pop in every few hours to check in on her and bring her food; the mother hen that he argued he wasn't. She'd only ever had one visit from Kaz a few days after she'd woken up in this room and it was a tense affair to be sure. He never did stop by again; any messages were sent to the more agreeable of his crows - he never sent one of his Dregs though, a fact that Ira had taken notice of and felt a small shred of gratefulness and respect for the boss man.
"Why don't you go upstairs to ask for another book from Kaz? I'm sure the boss man won't mind! He won't even miss it with how much work he buries himself in. If you take a look at his shelves you'd find those poor spines have more dust on them than an abandoned church." Jesper leaned back on his hands and looked over at her with a teasing smirk.
Ira didn't laugh at his joke even if her lip tipped ever so slightly upward to show her amusement. She did look up at him though after a moment but he could see the way her body tensed at the very notion of leaving this room to go see him. Kaz had done nothing to make her distrust him. Perhaps it was the dominating or cold look he always wore that made her wary of him but Jesper knew she didn't like going near the man in black.
"If you could-" Ira swallowed thickly but was unable to finish her request.
Jesper fell back on one elbow and craned his head to meet her green eyes as his own softened on her face.
"He won't hurt you Ira. No one will hurt you again. Never. "
"I know."
But did she? She was so scared of everyone; less fearful of women but like a caged animal who fell back on its primal instinct for survival she couldn't find it in herself to try and trust anyone knew. Kaz was like the dark figure in the corner of her eye she feared to turn her head to look at in case those piercing blue eyes and that crow-shaped cane would be there waiting to lash out at her.
"It's okay, whenever you're ready. I'm going to go hop on some tables and gamble away more of Kaz's money." he patted the bed between them and gave her a playful wink before he was up and heading for the door.
"So if you need me-"
"I'll holler." she finished for him. A statement of assurance they both needed as much as it was a routine. Her lips curled just a tad more as he shot him a look.
"Thanks Jesper."
"Anytime, little dove." the door snapped closed with a flurry as he left.
~
It was late - she could tell with the pitch darkness outside of her window but it didn't matter; her inner clockworks were all out of sorts. She slept when she wanted to, ate when she needed, and stayed up whenever she couldn't sleep regardless of the time of night or day. Hours after Jesper vacated her space she lay on her bed staring up at the ceiling with the book she'd been reading laid across her chest. She could hear the droll of the patrons at the Slat in the deafening silence in her room and she suddenly felt as if she was no longer alone. Knowing that just below her feet were dozens of men. Even when her door was locked from within she still feared the unknown below her.
So, she did what she didn't do often enough. Crawling from the bed she dressed in her a pair of slacks and her button-down shirt Inej had left for her; tucking the hem into her pants before slipping on her boots. She wished she had some weaponry to defend herself with if needed or at least have a dagger hidden on her to make her feel safer; instead, she armed herself with the two books she'd held hostage for the past week and with the familiar weight of them in her arms, Ira left her room - locking it securely behind her before she was heading towards a set of stairs down the hallway towards the attic where she knew the owner of the Slat and masterminds behind The Crows resided in his office/bedroom.
She was grateful when she no longer heard the sound of men's voices behind her as she finally stood in front of the door she had only ever once been standing at. Her knuckles wrapped lightly on the wood before a voice called for her to enter. She opened it just enough for her to slip through before closing. She never trusted an open door to allow anyone else to slip behind her unaware.
Kaz sat at his desk; right where she imagined he'd never felt most of his day. He looked up at her - and she froze like a deer in the headlights of a car. That familiar intensity of his cold blue eyes and sharp cheekbones would cause any other person to feel fear but Ira only felt tense; perhaps a little fear but she had to remind herself what Jesper said - Kaz would never harm her.
He was studying her without a word and she stared right back until those blue eyes were too much and she had to drop her head to avoid it; god those blue eyes had gotten her every time. So guarded and cold but if she had the strength to look deeper into his expression she'd have caught the minuscule of details. But it was just a little flicker in his eyes and the way his head tilted just a centimeter that gave him away to a sense of mild concern and curiosity as he dropped his head back down to his paperwork.
She breathed a silent sigh of relief when he no longer stared at her; the feeling of pinpricks easing from her skin and she took this as her invitation to stay. The flame of the candlelight flickering around the room cast shadows as she stepped up to a bookshelf off to the side of the room. She was not facing him but she could feel his intense stare whenever he glanced up at her watching as her hands visibly shook while she began placing the books where she'd imagined they went on the shelf.
"What is it?" his voice startled her despite the softness of his tone - it sounded larger than the familiar gunshots of Jesper's guns and Ira dropped one of the books at the sound before spinning around to stare at him. That familiar sense of danger urged her to run but Kaz never left his position at his desk; instead, he was openly staring her down.
"I-I'm sorry?" she stuttered out feeling her breath come in sharp inhales as she prayed for the panic to keep at bay.
But Kaz said nothing about her reaction and instead gave her a hard stare before setting his pen down to give her his undivided attention. That was never good when he did that and Ira knew this; she hated being pinned under men's stares. She bent down to grab the fallen book and fiddled with the edges to stop her nerves as she looked anywhere but at the man.
"You don't come up here. I'm surprised to see you out of the room."
Ira breathed out a shaky laugh and crossed her arms; hugging the book to her chest. "That's what Jesper said but he encouraged me to come up here because I'd finished the books...I-I mean I'm just returning them to you. Jesper didn't want to do it for me so he-"
"Ira."
her mouth clicked shut and she swallowed casting her eyes down to her boots. They had ever interacted once upon her first initial night awake at the Slat and he knew he made her nervous so he was trying not to be too cold towards her. Not yet; he didn't trust her but he understood her story now thanks to Inej and Jesper's interjections. He reached to grab the cane at his side and tapped it against the floor twice to get her attention; the sound made her flinch but her attention was drawn to him all the same.
"Sit down Ira. We have a business to discuss."
#six of crows#Shadow and Bone#Six of Crows#grishaverse#Kaz Brekker#fem!oc#Freddy Carter#SaB oneshot#SoC oneshot#should i make more?#angst#slight fluff#short fic?#Give me feedback for more?#Tag list open#requests open
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youtube
Watch the American Climate Leadership Awards 2024 now: https://youtu.be/bWiW4Rp8vF0?feature=shared
The American Climate Leadership Awards 2024 broadcast recording is now available on ecoAmerica's YouTube channel for viewers to be inspired by active climate leaders. Watch to find out which finalist received the $50,000 grand prize! Hosted by Vanessa Hauc and featuring Bill McKibben and Katharine Hayhoe!
#ACLA24#ACLA24Leaders#youtube#youtube video#climate leaders#climate solutions#climate action#climate and environment#climate#climate change#climate and health#climate blog#climate justice#climate news#weather and climate#environmental news#environment#environmental awareness#environment and health#environmental#environmental issues#environmental justice#environment protection#environmental health#Youtube
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I thought I'd never see
Inspired by the breathtaking fic save the undone years by Whitherward @whatanybodygets which is an AU about Kaz and Inej during WW1 where Kaz is a soldier and Inej is a nurse. This moment that stuck with me:
“All this waiting, and his brother appears at his bedside like a ghost in the night. [...] [Captain Reitveld] simply drops onto the edge of Kaz’s mattress and yanks him forward by the shoulders, wrapping him into a tight hug.
She sees Kaz go tense for a moment, and then relax, bury his face into his brother’s shoulder.
And then he begins to sob."
-
Been working on this for a month. I can't put into words how beautiful of a writer she is. I am always in awe and must drop everything for it.
Bonus: process
#kaz brekker#jordie reitveld#shadow and bone#six of crows#freddy carter#grishaverse#soc#fanart for fanfiction#whitherward#fic: save the undone years#my art#my fanart#i am unofficially whitherward's illustrator :)#love it so much#her writing always inspires me#i can't believe it's coming on... 3 years that I've been illustrating for her?#how the time has passed#i feel low key the development of my rendering skills can be attributed to drawing fanart for whitherward's fics ngl#couldn't decide if Kaz would be the type to hold back a cry#and like have pent up angry cry with his perpetual frown#or he would be so overwhelmed and just start sobbing#so i included both#I feel kaz is more of the hold back a cry and silent type of cry#random aside but freddy carter is in masters of the air and it gives me so much content/reference for him in uniform#total coincidence#except mota takes place ww1
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Over His Head
Pin interrupts the horse thieves when they try to steal Raven. Things do not go well for him.
Set during Season 1.
I may have binged Free Rein. Then wrote fic for it. Enjoy.
#fic rec#free rein#pin hawthorne#sam myers#kidnapping#fic#fanfiction#my fic#free rein fic#peter pin hawthorne#pin hawthorne fanfic#ally rambling#freddy carter#freddy carter fanfic
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serenity*
• pairing: kaz brekker x black!reader
• requested: Yes
• warnings: oral (m on f), poor proof reading (as usual)
• word count: 599
• a/n: She's back! Again! S2 has pulled me from the depths and hopefully, I will be uploading more regularly. Please keep in mind that in this fic, the reader and Kaz are in an established relationship and have worked through his
Tension crept across the muscles in his back, bright eyes heavy with fatigue; he dragged himself back to the Slat, craving nothing more than rest and relaxation, preferably between the legs of his lover. The job had been tedious and gruelling, punishing for every crow – mistakes came easily to all of them, but Kaz scolded himself, believing it was his fault so many things went awry. He wasn’t focused, his mind wandered on an entirely different plane – lost in thoughts of what it would feel like to peel the clothes off his lover. It had been both a blessing and a curse to ask her to wear that dress. That white dress. The dress that hugged her form, pulling and embracing every one of her curves. The ivory dress that complimenting her ebony skin perfectly. He couldn’t help but let his eyes deviate from the locks he was tasked to pick.
Kaz was tempted to scour the streets of Ketterdam in search for a painter, a sculptor, anything that would allow him to capture the picture of his lover in that dress. But he knew nothing, no one would be able to encapsulate her beauty, the sheer sensuality of the thin fabric that caressed her skin. He thought she belonged in a temple; the very picture of some ancient deity, made to bring men to their knees, made to be worshipped. And Kaz had every intention of doing so.
The second they returned to their shared room, their sanctuary away from the prying eyes of the Barrel, Kaz’s hands found the material of her chalky dress, allowing himself to indulge in the sight one last time before he met the bare flesh of her shoulder. He took pleasure in the sight of his pale fingers pressed against her dark skin, pawing and squeezing every inch of her. His name fell from her lips like a prayer as his mouth followed in the wake of his hands. Wet, open-mouthed kisses met her body as the dress was gradually peeled from her form.
“Someone’s eager.” Kaz’s lover giggled as she was ushered towards the bed. “Is there shame in wanting to worship a living Saint?” He muttered against her lips after placing a tender kiss to them. “My, my,” She teased, “ I never took Dirtyhands for a religious man,” He lightly nipped her hip with his teeth, scolding her for her taunts. “You wanted to worship me? Then worship.” At her command, she spread her legs, presenting her already-dripping core to her lover. He stared like a man starved, fingers digging into the sable flesh of her thighs.
“Fuck,” He whimpered into her slit as he licked a long stripe from her entrance to her bug, revelling in the sharp gasp that escaped her throat. The moans and whimpers that left her only spurred Kaz on further, grasping her by the apex of her legs and tugging her body closer to his further. Tongue diving deeper, dark eyelashes fluttered shut as his hips rutted against the sheets below him; he found his own pleasure through worshipping his goddess. All the stress from the day languidly vanished, replaced by desire, a burning lust for his lover. From the moment he saw her in that white dress, Kaz knew he yearned for nothing more than to escape back to the Slat with her, to find peace between her thighs. His wish had been granted, by the Saints or perhaps the deity squirming under the work of his tongue. Bliss washed over the pair, both of them finding serenity within one another’s pleasure.
You can find my other Kaz (and other Grishaverse) writings in my Masterlist.
#serenity#kaz brekker#kaz brekker x reader#kaz brekker imagine#kaz brekker smut#freddy carter#freddy carter imagine#freddy carter smut#grishaverse#shadow and bone#six of crows#imagine#smut#angst#fic
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Show canon really just sneaks up on you, huh.
Me: reading a kanej fic as per usual
The fic: "his startling blue eyes"
Me: oh. oh
#I know shadow and bone (tv) will be tagged#but i've found that tag used often even when the fic isn't taking place in tv canon so i don't filter it out#anyhow it sneaks up on me and all of the sudden i have to retroactively imagine Freddy Carter#as well as the context of show!kanej#six of crows#shadow and bone netflix
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