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And that kids is, how I met your mother Chapter 4 - Someone to Stay

You were alone, left out in the cold Clinging to the ruin of your broken home Too lost and hurting to carry your load We all need someone to hold

You've been fighting the memory, all on your own Nothing worsens, nothing grows I know how it feels being by yourself in the rain We all need someone to stay We all need someone to stay

Hear the fallen and lonely, cry out Will you fix me up? Will you show me hope? At the end of the day you were helpless Can you keep me close? Can you love me most?

Summary: You feel grief and loss keenly, the loss of innocence and family but as you confide your secrets to Nikolai Lantsov, you feel a beginning of a home in him.

Pairing: Nikolai Lantsov x Reader, Nikolai Lantsov x Six of Crows Reader, Kaz Brekker x Reader, Zoya Nazyalensky x Reader (Platonic), Nina Zenik x Reader (Platonic), Genya Safin x Reader (Platonic)

Warnings: Pure tooth rotting fluff, angst and comfort, lots of humor, unrequited love that might be requited, denial, pining, mentions of death and violence, Kaz Brekker being an absolute asshole.

A/N: Hi everyone! I’m very grateful for your kindness, love and support that encourages me to keep going! I apologize for the delay but here is the long awaited Chapter 4 to this work, you have all been waiting for patiently so thank you for your patience! I hope you all like it and I’m excited! Let me know your thoughts and comments on my work because I really struggled through writer’s block on this one.

Let me know if you want a cast list for the below characters introduced! I’ve already made one, so I’m super excited.

I love you all! Happy reading!

Chapter 1 - Until I Found Her

Chapter 2 - Labyrinth

Chapter 3 - Call it what you want

Chapter 5 - Cornelia Street

Nikolai sat lazily on the couch as he listened to Zoya, Genya, Tamar, Tolya and David converse animatedly by the fireside with coffee and brandy after a long day of meetings as the rain fell outside. Nikolai felt content as he listened to Zoya and Genya argue about blonde or brunette hair, simple and ordinary things and his hazel eyes naturally found and fell on you. Nikolai smiled softly and warmly as he drank in the sight of you lay your legs on Nina’s lap as she read a book while you were completely focused and dedicated to sketching something in your sketchbook. Nikolai gazed at you in wonder and adoration because you looked absolutely beautiful, your brow furrowed in concentration, your eyes gleaming with imagination and reminiscence and your face glowing with relaxation and thoughtfulness.

Nikolai’s thoughts were interrupted by a sharp nudge to his ribs as he looked at Zoya who was looking at him with a knowing look “When are you going to ask her out?”

“I - what - no - “

“Please spare us all and tell her how you feel. Or at least ask her out on a date.” said Genya wearing a knowing expression as she grinned teasingly exchanging subtle looks with Zoya as they remembered their bet “Your pining and puppy dog eyes are getting sad to watch. And besides, she’s been out and about with certain people who have eyes on her.”

Nikolai sat up a little straighter, his expression one of pure curiosity as he looked at his friends “Who?

“Well, the lords and ladies of the Ravkan Court are quite bold in their advances toward her, inviting her to parties and picnics but there is one in particular who is determined to pursue a romantic relationship with her... Duke Dimitri Theronton.” informed Zoya in a matter - of - fact voice with a knowing gleam in her eyes as she looked at Nikolai who looked absolutely jealous as his fists clenched in anger. “He has been around Y/N quite a lot accompanying her to his parties, horse races and inviting her for walks and picnics. He’s infatuated with her.”

Nikolai knew Duke Dimitri Theronton who had been one of Vasily’s best friends and had bullied Nikolai in his childhood, accompanying his brother to Caryeva indulging himself in the pleasure of women and horses, wild parties and drunk debauchery. A pit of protectiveness grew within him at the thought of the wild and flirtatious Duke who slept with men and women he tossed aside thoughtlessly after using them, being within an inch of your presence.

“If you don’t do something soon, you might lose your chance with Y/N.” encouraged Genya with a twinkle in her eyes as she winked at Zoya as they both observed Nikolai’s jealous and protective expression at the mention of Duke Theronton who was wooing you “You need to man up, Nikolai.”

“Man up? I’m sorry but I don’t see gender, sir.” replied Nikolai sassily as he looked at Genya who rolled her eyes at him and he sighed “I do really like Y/N but I can’t make her choice for her.”

“Okay but you at least need to show her that you are an option. If you don’t, she won’t know that you are a choice.” replied Zoya honestly as she leaned back on her armchair because she was not going to lose her money to Nina. “Why don’t you ask her out... just the two of you? Please just do it and spare us the suffering.”

“And the loss of money.” piped in David with a glint in his eyes while Genya tried to shush him and Zoya shot him a fierce glare. “There’s so many bets on both of you so you have to get your act together, Nikolai because Genya can’t lose her bet to Nadia and Nina and Zoya can’t lose her money to Nina, Tamar and Tolya, and Tamar can’t lose her money to Tolya.”

Nikolai cocked his head as he looked at his friends with indignation and amazement as he spluttered understanding dawning on his face “Are you betting on me and Y/N? How long has this been going on?”

“I mean, it has been going on for a long time. Everyone is in on it even the servants and the council.” said David helpfully as he scribbled on his notebook “They all know you really like her because you look at her like an unsolved equation you want to solve.”

“This is outrageous!” exclaimed Nikolai feeling heat creep up to his cheeks in humiliation and embarrassment at the thought of his own subjects betting on his personal life and glared at Genya and Zoya “I assume you two are responsible for this mess!”

“It started as harmless fun between just a few of us but then the rest of the palace wanted to join in. It has turned into a very large betting pool.” explained Genya with a wide grin as she looked at Nikolai’s wide eyes of surprise while Zoya hid a smirk “Zoya handles the betting pool of the Little Palace. I handle the betting pool of the palace staff and Tamar handles the betting pool of the others who joined in.”

“I cannot believe you are betting on my love life! In fact I cannot believe the whole palace is betting on my love life!” exclaimed Nikolai in frustration and embarrassment as he stamped his foot in childish petulance.

“Oh grow up. It’s just a bit of good fun to pass the time.” said Zoya easily with a smug smirk “Go ask Y/N out and win Nina and me three bets, won’t you?”

“I’m leaving.” announced Nikolai gathering the pieces of his broken dignity as he huffed and walked away from his friends amused laughter making his way toward you who had moved toward another sofa, far away from the fireplace.

Nikolai’s heart fluttered as you looked up and smiled at him as he sat next to you “Hello darling. You could have joined us.”

You smiled at him as you stopped sketching and looked at him fondly “I just... I just wanted to be alone.”

Nikolai’s heart dropped as he saw quiet reminiscence and sadness dancing in your eyes “Oh. Shall I leave?”

“No. Stay with me.” you said firmly as you reached out for his hand and squeezed it gently, the warmth and tenderness of his hand seeping and mingling with yours as your fragile heart begged him to not leave you alone.

Nikolai felt glad and happy knowing that he would give you anything you asked as he moved toward you and smiled when you placed your legs on his lap lazily and he lightly placed his hand on your ankles as he looked at you in curiosity and deep fondness “I’ll never leave you. I didn’t see you at all today, sweetheart. I almost sent search parties to look for you. I was worried. Where were you?”

“I spent the whole day in the chapel praying to the Saints and thinking. Then I went to the kitchen and had the prettiest cake. After that I went for a long walk out in the palace grounds and I just sat in the gardens until it got dark. Until Nina found me in the rain.” you said thoughtfully and quietly as you rubbed a butterfly crested ring on your finger “It was nice.”

Nikolai was surprised as he looked at you focus on your sketching again as he questioned in curiosity because he knew you weren’t particularly religious and your activities today felt slightly different “Why were you in the chapel?”

“Come, my little butterfly. Let’s get you to bed and I’ll tell you a story. One that ends happily ever after.”

“It’s my father’s birthday.” the words slipped out of your mouth before you could stop them as your eyes widened in shock at how easily you had confided this well kept secret to Nikolai whose hazel eyes sparkled with tender affection and soft understanding as he realized why you had done what you had done “I wanted to... I wanted to talk with him and celebrate his birthday with him, I suppose.”

You scoffed as you thought of how stupid you were “I’m so stupid. Throwing a birthday party for a dead father -”

But Nikolai placed his hand upon yours, his face etched with gentleness and tenderness as he looked at you with sincerity “It’s not stupid. It’s the most wonderful thing that you didn’t forget him. Your father is absolutely lucky to have you as a daughter.”

You smiled gratefully as you blinked back unshed tears as you looked away from Nikolai and focused on finishing your sketch and after a long moment, Nikolai who was full of curiosity because he wanted to know all about you, what your family was like and what you were like when you were a little girl as he asked “You don’t have to answer... but what was your father like?”

“My father... I am told that he was a gangster who ran one of the most feared gangs in Ketterdam.” you said with a wide grin, your eyes twinkling in pride and amusement at how Nikolai’s jaw dropped in shock and amazement “He was a son of a Ravkan aristocratic family that ran away to find his fortune in Ketterdam and built himself a reputation in Ketterdam as a violent and clever gangster who killed ruthlessly and instilled fear in his enemies, always ten steps ahead of them. No one dared to look at him the wrong way or they’d be cut, killed, murdered, shot and butchered whether they were innocent or guilty. Everyone called him mad and cold, ambitious and dark, cruel and vengeful man in a position of power and privilege who was the bringer of death and destruction.”

Nikolai was completely stunned and shocked as he stared at you with amazement and astonishment realizing that you were the daughter of a Ravkan born aristocrat who had become a feared gangster in Ketterdam and wondered what your childhood was like. He wondered whether your childhood was filled with violence and bloodshed, tears and pain as he stared at you in surprise. He couldn’t imagine your father as a notorious killing machine but yet the more he looked at you, the more it became certain that you were not afraid of your father.

You smiled fondly at the memories of your father. He was a cold and cruel man to the rest of the world but he was the best father to you and your brother. Your father loved your brother unconditionally but he had always wanted a daughter so when you came along, he had doted on you with overwhelming affection and love. You remembered your father coming back home from work with a big smile on his face as he hugged you and held you in his arms as he told you how much he missed you.

You heard the wheels of the carriage roll up the driveway as you raced your brother through the house in excitement and happiness at your father coming back home ignoring your mother’s shouts to stop running down the stairs as you ran out of the house and up to the carriage with a bright grin “Daddy!”

Out of the carriage stepped a handsome man made of cold steel and sharp edges dressed in all black but his hard face softened immensely as he smiled adoringly and lovingly at the sight of his beautiful daughter running toward him, feeling grateful to be alive as he hugged his precious daughter tightly in his arms.

His daughter never knew how much he had missed holding her in his arms as he beamed brightly, his cold heart warm and happy as he took a good look at his daughter making sure she was healthy and unharmed, stroking her pretty hair that curled down to her shoulders.

“Hello my Y/N! Come here, let me look at you! I missed you. I missed you so much, my sunshine.” confessed your father sincerely and lovingly, his heart full of gladness and affection as he cupped her chubby rosy cheeks in his hands, his eyes twinkling with warmth as he placed a loving kiss on her forehead.

Your father would never miss an opportunity to carry you in his arms, holding the weight of you in his arms as he pressed kisses on your cheek and forehead adoringly. He’d tuck you to bed and read you stories in silly voices making you giggle and sing you lullabies until you fell asleep and stay by your side holding your little hand in his as he stared at you with overwhelming love as you slept. Your father would play games of hide and seek and pirates and privateers, princesses and dragons with you and your brother, his eyes gleaming with mischief and his expression one of good natured laughter. He’d hold your little hand in his as you both took long walks in the countryside as you chattered happily to him and he listened with a happy smile.

Your father let you sit on his lap as he read his newspaper and his study where no one was allowed to enter, you were the exception as he let you sit on his lap as he read his documents and talked with you. When you were sick, your father would hold you in his arms and yell at the doctor to be careful with you and do their best and stay by your bedside as he held your hand gently and kindly. Your father was a gangster and yet he’d participate in your tea parties, style your hair, play with your dolls and beautiful dollhouse that he’d gift you every time he’d come back from Ketterdam.

The world believed that your father was a man of cruelty but to you he was the man who cleaned and bandaged your first bruises and wounds and kissed them better gently as he advised you that pain only makes you stronger. Your father was the man who would never miss any of your birthdays, always celebrating each one extravagantly with beautiful iced cake as he wrapped his arm around you while you blew the candles and made a wish. He was a devoted and doting father who doted upon you showering you with pretty dresses of the latest fashion, sketch books and paintbrushes, the most beautiful dolls, puzzles and books for you to read. He was the man who had taught you to ride a horse and climb trees and fight with your bare hands and sewed buttons on your coat. When your father discovered your talent for art, he encouraged it. Your father encouraged your love of learning and was determined to teach you more about the world.

“But my father made sure we lived far away from Ketterdam in the countryside, away from the violence and death. Family meant everything to him... it was his shelter from the storm. He was cold and cruel to the rest of the world but when he was home with us, he was nothing but loving and warm father who’d smile and laugh and play little practical jokes and spring surprises on us.” you recalled with a happy and fond smile as you thought of your father who hugged you warmly and danced with you around the house with a bright smile, spinning you in your brand new dress. “I know you won’t believe me but he was the best father in the world. I loved him so much and he loved me more than I deserved.”

Nikolai’s heart softened at the wholesome picture of a notorious gangster adoring his daughter with all heart and spoiling her as he replied “I’ll be truthful. If anyone else told me that, I wouldn’t believe them. But I believe you.”

“Why?”

“Your eyes. You remember him with so much love that it’s impossible to think that your father never loved you.” said Nikolai honestly and sincerely as your heart skipped a beat at how much he knew you and saw the smallest things you tried to hide and the world didn’t see “You can always tell a father’s merit in the way their child’s eyes light up and they talk about them. Your eyes sparkle happily and you talk about him as if he treated you better than a royal princess with so much love and warmth that you never felt left out and lonely.”

You were surprised at how much Nikolai understood you as you gazed at him in wonder and astonishment as you hesitated and contemplated on letting him on a secret you had never told anyone, not the Crows, not even Kaz as you finally looked at him and decided to take the leap of faith “My father loved me as his own. And that was impressive considering that... that... I was never his.”

Nikolai’s eyes widened in surprise as he saw you look at him vulnerably with sacred trust and faith mingled with fear of rejection and Nikolai understood how you were feeling better than anyone as he was filled with curiosity and understanding as he inquired “What do you mean?”

“You know, my father was known in Ketterdam as a man who would do a job at any cost. A man who didn’t care about the lives he took as long as it served his purpose. One stormy night, he found a baby girl on the steps of his office. Whoever left me there must have hoped that my father would kill me and get rid of me instantly.” you said as pain and hurt flashed in your face but your eyes twinkled with gratitude and amazement as you thought of your father who was not your flesh and blood that had chosen to love you instead of hurt you “My father thought I was a trap or a lost child at first but he decided to keep me and raise me as his own daughter.”

Nikolai’s eyes widened as his heart swelled in amazement and surprise at how caring and loving of a heart your father must have had to adopt and unconditionally love a child who was not his own flesh and blood. His breath caught in his throat as he realized that you were stripping down your walls as you confided your deepest secrets in him, the fact that your parents had abandoned you to die at a hands of a feared gangster but fate had a different plan for you. His heart sank in dismay and anger at the thought of your parents leaving you heartlessly as a baby girl in front of the doorstep of the most feared and ruthless gangster believing that he would dispose of your life mercilessly and pain clenched through him as he realized that you had been abandoned from birth. Nikolai met your vulnerable and hurt, soft and sincere gaze as he squeezed your hand gently amazed at the kind heart that the ruthless gangster had possessed to take in you as his own and raise you with so much love and affection and wondered why his own father couldn’t do the same. His own father who was of noble birth, a king, could not come to love Nikolai as his own child and be proud of him but a gangster with blood on his hands had loved you endlessly as his own.

“Your father sounds amazing. Do you ever miss your real parents? Have you tried searching for them?” asked Nikolai in curiosity, not missing the hurt and anger that flashed in your eyes at the mention of your birth parents.

“They left me to rot and die with no regard for my well being. Why would I search for the very people who abandoned me?” you shot back fiercely and passionately as your arms curled around yourself protectively as you felt tears spring up in your eyes. “I had real parents... I had my father and my brother. That was enough for me.”

“Daddy is home. Cake and cookies every night!”

“Your father sounds very different from mine.” confessed Nikolai honestly and sincerely as he felt your fingers intertwine with his gently and warmly as he thought of his own father who had never shown pride for him “Your father made you feel like you belong to him and never unloved and alone. You never had to earn your place in your family. Your father loved you from the moment he saw you. He took you as his own and never treated you any differently. You came into his life as a daughter and he never saw you as anything else.”

You were taken aback in surprise because Nikolai had understood your relationship with your father very well as he continued in quiet exhaustion and pain he tried to hide behind a bright smile “My father, the King of Ravka who was meant to represent everything good and noble always made me feel like I had no place in this world. I was never his son, always treated as a lowly and different bastard son who was of no interest and pride to him. Everything I had to do, I did to work hard to just earn a word of praise or a smile, earn all his love from him and try to belong to him.”

You didn’t understand why tears pricked your eyes but some part of you deep down understood how Nikolai felt as you held his hand in both of your hands wishing that his father was alive so you could grant him a slow and painful death as you thought of your own childhood when your mother had found pleasure in revealing that you were not their own flesh and blood. But then you remembered how your father had found you crying in the stables, as he told you the truth and reassured you that no matter what you didn’t owe him anything, he loved you from the moment he first saw you and that no matter what, you were always his daughter.

You had your father comfort you and chase away the loneliness with his warmth and love but Nikolai had been alone for so long with no one to show him that he was wrong about himself.

You remembered something that your father had said to you a long time ago as you looked at Nikolai who looked so lost and pained as you said softly “I’ll tell you something and I want you to remember it carefully. You don’t owe your family anything. You don’t owe anyone anything, Nikolai. Nikolai, you never should have had to earn your place in your family, bastard or blood. You came into your father’s life as a son and it was his place to love you endlessly. Love is not something that is earned. And you deserve all the love in the world, Nikolai.”

“Your father was wrong and heartless. Your whole family was completely wrong in making you feel as if you never belonged in your own home.” you said softly in distress and pain as you wrapped your arms around him tightly and hugged him “It’s not your fault. You are good enough. You were always good enough.”

Nikolai’s heart swelled with emotions that he thought he had locked up and moved on from as tears sprang into his hazel eyes as he blinked them, burying his head on your shoulder as he held you tightly in his arms, afraid that if he let you go, you would vanish. Nikolai felt a heavy burden lifted off his heart at hearing those words said with such raw sincerity and truth that he couldn’t help but choke back a sob because he didn’t understand how much his soul needed to hear that it wasn’t his fault, that he was good enough until now.

You hugged Nikolai tightly as you buried your head on his shoulder as you felt his tears fall onto the fabric of your dress as you whispered “Hey... I got you.”

For some reason, this made Nikolai laugh in amusement and comfort as he smiled into your shoulder amidst the tears and then after a few moments broke away from you. There was a long moment of silence as you looked at Nikolai in concern and realized he wanted to be alone with his thoughts as you returned back to your sketch while he stared into the space thoughtfully.

After a long moment, Nikolai broke the silence with a question “But you must have felt lonely. I mean, you had your brother but was it just both of you in the house?”

You thought of the big house that you grew up in. It had been empty and cold at times but you remembered mostly the warmth, light and laughter that spilled out of it whenever your father had company over. Your father’s closest group of fearsome and terrifying friends in his gang occupied the house most of the time when they weren’t busy maiming, killing, torturing, destroying and hurting people. But these people weren’t criminals to you, they were the closest thing you had to aunts and uncles who were incredibly fond of you.

These people took care of you since you were a baby and they were the only family you ever knew. Uncle Sebastian was your father’s right hand man and second in command but you knew him as your godfather and playful uncle who was a very good sharpshooter that taught you how to handle guns, had the craziest ideas for pranks and spoiled you with cuddles and presents. Your father would recall with a fond smile how Uncle Sebastian would never leave your side once you were found and stayed by your side telling you stories and making you giggle and had difficulty leaving you until your father physically had to push him out of the house. There were times you did feel alone despite being surrounded by such love and warmth and you would tell Uncle Sebastian how you felt knowing that he of all people would understand.

Your Uncle Minjun was calm and composed, always well dressed and smiled that pleased smile of love around his wife, Aunt Ari and a reserved fond smile for you. You had always respected Uncle Minjun who was well - educated and wise on very many great matters and one of your father’s closest advisors. You and your brother would listen with rapt attention and great pleasure his stories about his time at University of Ketterdam studying law. He’d encourage you and your brother’s love for learning and curiosity and encouraged you to experiment and explore. Your brother and you were curious as to how to build a bomb? Say no more, Uncle Minjun was your man. Your brother nurtured a fascination for flowers and plants? Don’t worry, Uncle Minjun was there to teach him how to grow and landscape a garden, providing him plenty of books about nature. Your brother voiced that he wanted to perhaps study International Relations at the University of Ketterdam? Uncle Minjun would place a stack of books for beginner’s in International Relations and provide a recommendation list of tutors who he thought could help him. You were fascinated with art? Oh Uncle Minjun had your back, bringing you books on art and art history and taking you to art exhibitions with Aunt Ari. If there was anyone who took a serious interest in your education as much as your father, it was your Uncle Minjun. In a world where the education of girls was not taken seriously, Uncle Minjun was one of the strongest advocates to your father voicing that you were a bright, smart and sharp girl, dismissing your mother’s opinions on the fact that you should marry and listening to your own opinions and treating you as an equal. It was because of him, your father had the finest governesses to teach you and keep you company and report your progress to him and Uncle Minjun who was so proud of you.

Uncle Yuri was one of your favorites. While Uncle Minjun favored the indoors, sitting in a nice library, Uncle Yuri favored the great outdoors climbing trees and swimming in lakes. You had learned that Uncle Yuri was a demolitions expert for your father and could blow anything up and had helped you and your brother with Uncle Minjun to build bombs and grenades in a safe environment. His silly faces and jokes rivaled his husband, Uncle Sebastian’s making you giggle and laugh. Uncle Yuri had an easy and lovely smile and was playful and good natured always taking you and your brother outside to play and have picnics, long walks, feeding the ducks, swims, and carrying you on his shoulders as he chattered with you and your brother. Uncle Yuri and Uncle Sebastian often babysat you the most, Uncle Sebastian letting you get into mischief and Uncle Yuri being the sensible one. Whenever Uncle Yuri entered the house, you would be ready with a hug and he would make you try to catch the latest hat he was wearing with a mischievous grin as he watched you jump up and down for it but in the end relented and placed it on your head every time. But Uncle Yuri was kind - hearted and earnest always insisting that if there was anything wrong, you could confide in him.

Uncle David was another constant presence in your home with his dry sense of humor, wide smile and strength. He was a strong and calm gentleman but whenever he was with you, he became childish and playful. He snuck in snacks, cookies, donuts, iced cupcakes that both of you shared while sitting next to each other and listening to gossip as you both exchanged sassy glances, he slapped or scolded anyone who kept a weapon within your vicinity, spoiled you with the prettiest and most expensive dresses, dolls and books as he competed with your uncles and aunts on who could get you the best presents, danced with you spinning you around to the music, defending you sassily when your mother made a passive aggressive remark about you, competing with you in races and childish games they held and voicing his pride in you whenever you painted art or mastered a difficult task. You remember him losing his temper and nearly blowing off Uncle Minjun’s and Uncle Yuri’s heads when he found out that they had taught you how to handle knives and blow up things. He was very protective of you when it came to boys and bonded over it with the rest of your uncles, father and brother. If he saw you talking to a boy, he would assess their prospects for the future, their character and recommend that no one was good enough for you which your father agreed with. Although he was protective, he was fiercely loyal and brave and stood up for what he believed in.

In your memory, Aunt Maya was the most stunning and beautiful woman you had come across. She possessed entrancing purple eyes, dark skin, and a smile that enchanted everyone. Aunt Maya was a very powerful Grisha who possessed the remarkable powers of a squaller, a heartrender, a healer, an inferni, a fabrikator and a tidemaker. Her powers as a fabrikator and tidemaker were her weakest but the rest of her abilities were absolutely wonderful and powerful. From a young age, you understood the utmost importance of keeping her unique abilities a secret. Being a Grisha was one thing, being a Grisha who could channel different powers and abilities with ease and grace was dangerous in the world. Aunt Maya was a beautiful woman with a gorgeous smile who always wore the most divine dresses and high heels. Aunt Maya was faithful and loyal to your father who had helped her escape bounty hunters and given her safety and protection within his gang. Aunt Maya loved you as her own, telling you stories about Grisha and their abilities, about the Darkling and the Fold, the power of the amplifiers, Morozova and his work, the universe and the greed of men, the lives of the Saints and her life at the Little Palace before she became a target marked as dangerous.

Aunt Natalia was soft and sweet, your godmother. She was a soft spoken spy who was quiet most of the time and could never hear her footsteps when she approached you. But when attacked or provoked, she had the fiercest temper and strongest spirit you knew. Everyone admired her cleverness and kindness and the willingness to do what needed to be done no matter what the cost and her innocent and sweet demeanor often deceived many into thinking she was harmless when she was very dangerous. Aunt Natalia, your godmother was the mother your mother never was to you. She always let you sit on her lap and always made sure you ate your meals on time, played with you and took walks with you, yelled at you whenever you did something stupid and risky like scaling your house when you were once left alone. She admired your paintings and became excited whenever you did anything, talked with you about everything and nothing, played peacemaker when you and your brother fought with each other and made you both promise to always put it each other first, and sewed you pretty dresses of the latest fashion and knitted you and your brother countless socks, scarves and sweaters you didn’t have the heart to say no to. She took care of you, showering you with plenty of hugs and kisses adoringly.

Aunt Holly was the fun aunt who always livened up the house with her merry presence and jolly smile. She always had her weapons on her at all times from her knives, her revolvers and her other discreet weapons that she would use properly. She was the aunt who loved food with all her heart so when she was around, she’d take charge of the kitchen and cook meals. You had heard stories of her work as an assassin, of how once she had fought off a gang of men with only a frying pan and killed slavers with a flower pot. Aunt Holly was the aunt who let you have your first shot of kvas secretly, who taught you to handle knives, who taught you how to walk the tightrope and glide so silently on your feet and hide in the shadows. Holly taught you how to climb and scale buildings and leap off from one roof to another, one tree branch to another and use lockpicks to break in and out of rooms. Holly was the aunt your father despaired having around because you would love listening her recount exciting stories of gang wars and bloodshed in Ketterdam and different strategies of how to blend in and steal a wallet. You found it all very fascinating and that worried your father who wanted you away from this life as possible. When your father and your godfather had seen you balancing yourself on a ledge, trying to walk without fear, they nearly had a heart attack as everyone shouted at you to get down but Aunt Holly laughed and encouraged you to continue without any fear.

Aunt Ari was an absolute fashionista always dressed to impress and kill. She was cheerful and bright, clever and cruel in her own way. She was a powerful heartrender who loved torturing men with her abilities and was able to extract information from them. Aunt Ari taught you Shu and talked with you in Shu most of the time. Aunt Ari liked telling you stories from her travels around the world and reading you stories as she tucked you to bed. She loved answering your wild questions with wildly imaginative and beautiful answers without laughing at you. She was a talented and gifted musician who had a talent for beautifully singing. She encouraged you and your brother’s love of music. Although you loved music, you were not a gifted pianist like your brother became under your Aunt Ari’s tutelage. Your brother had a wonderful talent for playing the piano and singing. You often played duets with Aunt Ari and your brother but you didn’t feel that you were good enough of a pianist. Aunt Ari didn’t give up on you presenting you with various instruments until you came across the violin that had belonged to her sister who had passed away that was untouched since her death. Aunt Ari who had seen you eye it longingly, had let you touch it and learn to play it. The moment you learned to play it, you loved every moment of playing the violin and became incredibly good at it. It gave you the peace that painting gave you. You loved how when you started to play the violin, everything else faded away and you felt you could reflect peacefully. As you mastered the violin, Aunt Ari would watch your progress with a proud expression, blinking back tears of joy in her eyes at seeing you finally bring music to the world with her sister’s violin.

Aunt Adira was the thief and charming temptress with a warm smile that distracted many people while the real work took place. You remembered her warm hugs and her stories of her own family that she had lost when she had been taken by slavers. Ketterdam had been hell to her but she had made a bargain with your father who had paid her indenture and freed her as she sharpened her skills as a thief and a charming spy who listened quietly and patiently for information and extracted important information for your father to use against his enemies. Adira was full of kindness always helping anyone out anyway she could and full of faith in the Saints. She prayed to the Saints every day and taught you prayers to Saints. No one understood how she kept faith in a faithless world but she had once confided that faith was her peace in the chaos of the world. Adira treated you and your brother with such sweetness and kindness, sometimes you would see her eyes stare at you both in wistfulness and misty tears. You didn’t know it then but your father had confided in you that both of you reminded her of her children that the slavers had taken separating her from them and was still searching for. Aunt Adira was fierce and steadfast in her spirit, fighting for what was right and standing up for what she believed in and spoke up when she thought someone was wrong. She was true to her values and often showered you with hugs and kisses, food and flower crowns.

Tag, you’re it. Take care of them, would be the motto that they passed on when one of them left you and your brother in the care of another.

You would describe your home as a mad house full of laughter and good times. Birthdays were celebrated with extravagance and happiness with presents exchanged and wishes made on the candles of the prettiest cakes, dinner parties where stories were exchanged over drinks and food were hosted, dances where your uncles would each take turns dancing with you, the discussions where swearing was prohibited and words such as murder and torture were substituted with kid friendly words, evening tea and midnight feasts with the guns and knives lying on the table as they held you in their arms and kept you far away from weapons, warm days where your aunts and uncles would play with you and your brother outside, and rainy days where theatricals and pranks, paintings and music were ever present in the home with tremendous love, laughter and hugs.

“Not really. I had my aunts and uncles - my father’s closest friends in his gang who visited most of the time. It never felt lonely with them around... it felt like a mad house.” you said as you remembered the loud raucous laughter whenever a prank was pulled and the bright smiles that lit up the atmosphere “There was always some prank pulled, some game played, someone yelling, running around and laughing, bonfire nights and garden parties, and dinners and birthdays celebrated... having the time of our lives.”

Nikolai smiled at the description of the very warm and cozy house as he pictured a family full of vengeful gangsters laughing and having the time of their lives with children who didn’t know loneliness and emptiness but only knew love and warmth as he looked at you in interest “What happened to them?”

“Some of them died. Some of them... I think they are alive... but I don’t know. The rumors I’ve heard of them suggest that some of them are still alive and out there but I don’t want to hope.” you said tired and exhausted as you closed your eyes thinking of all the rumors and whispers you had heard of their whereabouts even though they had faded away long time ago.

You simply had given up hope for a happy ending.

When Nikolai inquired their names, you paused for a moment hesitantly and told him. Nikolai gasped audibly because the names you had just revealed to him were cautionary tales told to the children of Ravka and ghost stories whispered aboard his ship about the Order of the Dark Knights. Nikolai knew that you grew up with gangsters but he couldn’t quite comprehend and wrap his head around the fact that you grew up around the most feared and dangerous gangsters in Kerch and all of the world before the Crows came into the scene. He couldn’t believe that your father was the feared and revered leader of the Order of the Dark Knights who had blood on his hands and each tale more gruesome and fearsome than the last. Nikolai grew up hearing stories about each member who was uniquely talented and dangerous that no child should emulate, certainly not a Ravkan aristocrat. Nikolai had been fascinated with the thieves who set themselves apart with their ability to shed blood and fearsome talents. The last Nikolai heard of the Order of the Dark Knights was that they were burned to death in their leader’s house by an enemy. There were rumors someone had betrayed the gangster’s location and rumors that some members were still alive and stayed hidden undercover even today waiting for the right moment to rise. That they didn’t really die that night.

Nikolai looked at you and then understanding dawned upon him as his eyes widened “Y/L/N. Your last name is a fake one, isn’t it? You wouldn’t be so stupid as to take your father’s last name in Ketterdam and paint a target on your back.”

You smiled in amazement and astonishment wondering how Nikolai got you so perfectly, your eyes twinkling in mischief and reminiscence at the last name you had adopted from your imaginative mind “My first name is my real one. But I’m surprised at how well you know me. My last name is a fake one. Life isn’t easy when you realize that your father has many enemies who’d want to take their revenge on him by hurting him.”

“My sunshine, rule number one... please don’t ever become me.”

Nikolai remembered how his mother would tell him stories of your father’s ruthless ways. Your father was a story that intrigued Nikolai, the story about the heir who grew up in one of the most prominent and wealthy Honorable Aristocratic Houses of Ravka that was known for its nobility and purity of bloodline and everlasting loyalty to the Crown of Ravka to the point of blind following. The parents of this family had been rumored to be cold and heartless, grooming the children to be the perfect and invincible soldiers and subjects of Ravka and the children were seen as an example of perfection in every manner.

Of the particular family your father was the oldest and he had a younger brother, both eligible young bachelors who held positions of power and privilege in the Ravkan Court. But while the youngest was too happy to oblige and follow the rules, the heir of the family, the oldest brother rebelled and questioned the rules in place and how they were unfair to the poor. There were rumors of him being punished for simply visiting the poor and understanding the Grisha and mingling with them and becoming friends with the outcasts and the hungry.

The final string snapped when the heir of this prestigious family stepped to defend a soldier who was a scapegoat for treason against the King by a larger force. He was considered a traitor to the country when he pleaded a pardon for his long time friend, a poor man, a soldier who had been wrongfully accused of treason and sentenced to death. But your father could not let injustice of this country stand as he finally decided to act upon and decide who he was once and for all as he plotted and freed the soldier from his chains in the dungeons and a dangerous Grisha girl who had been locked in there for a long time just because her power was one no one else understood. Your father ran away in the night with the soldier and the Grisha girl escaping to Ketterdam where he started a new life climbing the criminal ladder with two faithful and loyal friends.

The soldier was none other than your godfather and father’s best friend, Sebastian and the dangerous Grisha girl who escaped alongside them was your Aunt Maya.

Your father hated the lot of them just as much as they hated him. He was burned from the family tree after been marked as a traitor and no one in his family spoke his name for he disgraced him with his act of treachery and the acts he committed as the leader of the Order of the Dark Knights and occupied a high position in the Merchants Council in Ketterdam. Nikolai knew that the story was intended to be a cautionary tale but he couldn’t help but feel inspired how your father was everything that everyone were afraid to be in the most dark and difficult times. Nikolai was inspired at how your father gave up his whole world, his family, his country to do what was right instead of living an easy life.

Nikolai had known your father’s younger brother. He held a position as an advisor in the court for a long time mending and repairing the honor of his family damaged by your father’s reckless actions. He was quiet and reserved, well mannered and intelligent, observant and calm. Vasily often made fun of the soft spoken advisor but Nikolai liked your father’s young brother. From his younger days, Nikolai admired the composed and smart brother Matthew who was gentle and kind - hearted to Nikolai, never acknowledging the rumors about him being a bastard but had only treated Nikolai as an equal and a noble prince. As Nikolai grew up, he struck up an odd sort of friendship with the Matthew who became Nikolai’s mentor, favorite advisor and a good friend.

Nikolai remembers the Matthew's love for his family. Your father’s family was notorious for its cold disposition and harshness in raising perfect children so Nikolai had expected the same from your father’s younger brother. He had been pleasantly surprised to see your father’s Matthew treat his children differently. Nikolai who was invited to the advisor’s house for countless soirees, talks and meals would witness Matthew spin his children around with a grin when he came home from work and then hug his wife tightly with a bright and tender smile.

Matthew never shared much about his family but only shared the vision Nikolai had for Ravka. Nikolai was astounded at his intelligence and observations, as he taught Nikolai his own sharp perceptions and observations about whose opinions mattered in the court for a King, what they liked and disliked, their family backgrounds and what the court thought of Vasily and Nikolai. A lot of what Matthew shared with Nikolai helped Nikolai to mold himself and charm his subjects, generals and advisors into seeing Nikolai as a charming, smart and capable leader.

Though his mentor never shared much about his family, Nikolai would glimpse a certain look of wistful sadness and pained bitterness about his brother who had been marked a traitor and banished on the pain of death. He had once caught his mentor staring at the burnt name on the tapestry of the family tree with quiet contemplation and longing, as if he carried a great burden of loss and grief on his shoulders. Nikolai had left him alone but had not forgotten that sight for it was not a well spoken and polite aristocrat he had seen then, he had seen a brother who was grieving for the loss of a brother he could not get back. Once Nikolai who had been grieving after Vasily had his father banish Dominik in disgrace and enlist his Dominik’s elder brother in the army, he had run toward Matthew’s place unannounced in the middle of the night because he felt helpless and didn’t know where else to go.

Please forgive my intrusion.

Not at all. Please stay if you like, Your Highness.

He had become a sort of odd father figure in that moment when he had seen Nikolai’s grief and hugged him in welcome and comfort. He had stayed over at the best guest room with a hot and hearty meal and warm clothes provided. In the morning, Nikolai had accepted the offer of taking a walk with Matthew as he let him know everything that had occurred, all the anger and grief and sadness he felt about losing his best friend and against Vasily who had betrayed him. Matthew had truly listened patiently to the young prince vent out his frustration and then struck up a proper conversation full of truth and honesty, comfort and shared experience making Nikolai feel safe and understood and Matthew assured him that he would make certain that Dominik’s family was well taken care of and later on pulled strings to get Dominik’s elder brother reassigned to a place where the fighting was light. After the most enlightening conversation full of shed tears and shared truths of hard burdens and brutalizing loss, Matthew and his wife had hugged Nikolai with such warmth, treating him like their own son and had let Nikolai know that she had made a special meal just for him and if there was ever anything, they would always be there for him.

Nikolai had been incredibly fond of Matthew and his family from then on and eternally in debt and grateful to Matthew for pulling the strings to keep Dominik and his family safe. He remembered how he had cursed Vasily angrily throughout their conversation and though Matthew shared many pieces of wisdom with him on that day, one stood out particularly and etched itself on Nikolai’s mind because it felt as if Matthew wasn’t talking about just Vasily and Nikolai.

“A cruel truth to it, isn’t it? Two brothers so close in age, the more one becomes one thing, the more other necessarily becomes the opposite.”

Later that day Matthew had called Nikolai into his study and showed him a picture of him and his brother. Matthew and his elder brother looked so young and handsome, shocking Nikolai at how old and exhausted they had grown up to be in the present. Nikolai examined the family picture of the brothers with their cousins, and recognized Matthew immediately. He was immediately recognizable as the smaller and handsome boy with dark hair, grey eyes and composed and haughty demeanor. A young Matthew stood regally and elegantly next to a older boy who looked very similar to him except he was charmingly handsome with a reckless and careless glint in his eyes, his lips curving into slightly warm smile as he held himself haughtily and coldly. But both of them were just children, just two brothers, frozen in the moment.

“This is my older brother. I believe he needs no introduction... he’s made a name for himself. Before he was what he is now, he insisted on serving in the infantry. He came back a war hero. I think that’s when my family was truly proud of him.” recalled Matthew quietly and wistfully as he pointed out his brother and then him in the photograph to Nikolai who looked at it curiously.

“Did he win medals?”

“Oh, Ravka bestowed many of the medals on him. Rewarded him the Medal of Honor, Army Commendation Award and the Distinguished Conduct Honor among many of them.” said Matthew with a small smile that seemed to Nikolai as if he was laughing at Ravka for bestowing medals upon a brave soldier and then banishing him without consideration for what he did for his country “But he threw them all in the fire and watched it burn. None of us came back the same.”

Nikolai felt shocked at the action of the elder brother but since Matthew was being unusually open, Nikolai let his curiosity get the better of him “What was he like?”

“He laughed. A lot. He wanted to sail ships and work with horses. Always the charming and rebellious one of the family.” replied Matthew with a genuine and fond smile curving on his lips, a smile that displayed brotherly love and childish affection, a smile that Nikolai had never seen before “He was in love with a girl before the war. Her parents were Suli and none of the families approved of the dalliance but he won the girl’s parents over.”

“She died at the age of sixteen. But my brother was there at her bedside for four months every day holding her hand. And after she died, he went away to war.” recounted Matthew, his smile fading slightly as he was lost in memories of long ago while Nikolai listened in amazement and heartbreak “My sweet, kind, charming brother who laughed a lot never came back after that.”

“But you have a distinguished war record as well. You received the Medal of Honor, the Meritorious Service Medal and Distinguished Service Medal among a few to name.” said Nikolai in admiration and respect as he looked at Matthew who had been one of the rare nobles who had given up the safety of a home and position to go serve in the trenches of the war as a medik. “You and your brother are hailed as two war heroes who were the miracle in the most brutal and dangerous of wars in the history of our country.”

“Ah, we were. My father objected when both of us enlisted but we had to enlist. We couldn’t stay in the comfort of a home or a tent when everyone else was going to fight for this country. My brother became a soldier and I became a medik to serve. I figured I’d be saving people, not killing them.” said Matthew quietly and contemplatively and Nikolai swore that Matthew looked as if he was back on the battlefield “I just kept praying to the Saints every damn moment in the chaos of the battle... not for myself... I prayed and begged the Saints to help me save one more person in this godforsaken war and heal them so they can go back to their families.”

Nikolai was silent, feeling absolute respect and admiration for his mentor who had saved many lives as he continued reminiscently “I wasn’t... I was thought of as mad of course, those days. Mediks weren’t as valued as soldiers. They thought I was a coward for not fighting. But my brother understood I was trying to serve in my own way.”

“The commander of my regiment tried to send me home but they... the soldiers I saved... warmed up to me. They stood up for me. They all said they’ll go home if I am sent in disgrace.” said Matthew with a small chuckle but there were tears in his eyes “I understood that you are always going to need all the help you can get and no one is going to help you if they don’t like you.”

Nikolai contemplated on those words silently as he retained the wisdom of that advice that honed the actions of his future and he knew he was stepping the line with this question but he needed to ask him “Your brother and you... did you care for him?”

“I thought the world of him. I thought we were going to fight and change the world side by side.” answered Matthew quietly and wistfully after a long moment with reminiscence in his eyes as he sighed “But in the end, he is who he is and I am who I am. There is no changing that.”

After a month or so, news reached Nikolai that Matthew had disappeared under mysterious and strange circumstances. Though the King sent search parties for him, no sign of him had been found. Matthew had finally been concluded as missing and presumed dead.

“He’s dead.”

“He - no - he can’t be!”

Nikolai had been in disbelief and denial as he attended the funeral of his mentor feeling grief and emptiness in his heart, hiding tears remembering his quiet and composed demeanor, his light smiles, wise advice and warm hugs. How was he supposed to do all this by himself now without an advisor, without his mentor? The grief only grew worse when he was informed that Matthew had left Nikolai a considerable amount of money in the will with the instructions to live wisely and freely as he chose.

Later, after the war when Zoya had investigated the Darkling’s chambers in the Little Palace, she had come across a few surviving letters that she found interesting and shared them with Nikolai. Nikolai had felt his heart jump to his throat at finding that this was a letter addressed to the Darkling by Matthew, in his elegant and neat handwriting and Nikolai had wasted no time in reading it.

To the Darkling,

I know I will be dead long before you read this, but I want you to know that it was I who discovered your secret. I have discovered your true identity as the Black Heretic and your plans to extend the Fold with your secret search for the Sun Summoner and Morozova’s amplifiers. I intend to foil and destroy all chances of your plan to destroy Ravka. I face the possibility of death in the hope that when you meet your match, you will fail in your pursuit for power and die alone and unloved.

Nikolai had not been ashamed to admit that he had burst into tears of grief and pain. His mentor had sacrificed himself, not letting the world know the true story of his sacrifice just to save Ravka. Matthew had never wanted power and glory, he had just wanted to keep Ravka safe and keep Nikolai safe until he was ready to take back what was his. Matthew had been clever and intelligent enough to deduce the Darkling’s secrets and plans from an early stage and try to find a way to stop the Darkling alone without putting anyone else in danger but it was likely that the Darkling killed him off.

And now an invisible string that had spun his fate had tied him and tugged him to Matthew’s niece, Y/N, who had no family of her own all alone in the world. Nikolai felt awestruck and amazed at the frightening enormity of how destiny seemed to have a larger plan for all of them, how his mentor had been your late uncle and now how he met you who he was immensely in love with.

“You are Y/N Y/RLN (Real last name)” pronounced Nikolai in soft tenderness and amazed awe as he looked at you with widened eyes of astonishment.

You let out an audible gasp of incredible relief and happy gratitude because it had been so long since someone called you by your real name, the name you knew from birth to be your own, the name that had taken you in as their own with such love, the name you had cut ties with when you had arrived in Ketterdam and the name you sometimes forgot when hard days dragged on in its cold loneliness and hurt as tears sprung into your eyes and you nodded.

“I don’t think I’ve heard that name for a long time.” you breathed in wonder and relief as you stared at Nikolai with such tenderness and affection because your heart had skipped a beat at the way he had pronounced your name as if it was precious and beautiful and then you looked at him quietly through the tears “So what are you going to do now?”

Nikolai was taken aback by your question “I don’t understand. What do you mean?”

“I am Y/N Y/RLN, daughter of one of the most feared gangsters in the history of Ketterdam. I am very valuable. There are so many people who will give anything to get their hands on me to enact their revenge.” you said quietly with an air of pride and hidden vulnerability. “I have told you my secret I’ve never told anyone else... not even Kaz Brekker. Secrets often have a price in Ketterdam.”

Nikolai realized that though you were proud of who you were, you were now naturally scared of what would happen to you because you had confided your greatest secret in him and he saw that all your life you had been running and hiding and he hugged you tightly “Y/N, my darling, I will take your secret with me to my grave. Trust me, I will never hurt you. I like you just the way you are and I will protect you from anyone who dares to harm you.”

You buried your head on his shoulder as you felt warm and safe, your cheeks flushing with heat at his soft and honest words surprised because you had never felt this way as his intoxicating perfume comforted you and you murmured “I don’t feel so scared anymore.”

Nikolai held you tightly in his embrace, his heart wrenching at those words slipping out of your mouth because though you hid it very well behind your expressive smile and guarded and composed demeanor, you were still a vulnerable and scared child who had been abandoned from birth marked by grief and loss “You never have to be scared, my love. We’re in this together.”

You blushed at the sweet endearment Nikolai whispered in your ear and smiled gratefully as you broke the hug feeling warmth and happiness spread through you, your cheeks tingling in red hues as you twisted your fingers nervously and concentrated on finishing the final touches of the sketch. When you finished the sketch, you looked at it with pride, as emotions of wistfulness, love, grief, reminiscence and adoration swelled within you. You smiled softly and fondly at the drawing and then felt Nikolai gaze at you quizzically as you felt your heart skip a beat and then you looked back at your drawing quietly. It was something purely personal and private but you took a leap of faith to share this with Nikolai because in your heart you wanted to as you slowly and nervously showed him what you had been sketching.

Nikolai was pleasantly surprised as he took the sketchbook gently and delicately in his hands to see an incredibly talented and detailed drawing of a stoic and composed man with hard edges and sharp cheekbones who was elegantly and impeccably dressed in a suit smiling in warm and relaxed amusement as he held a cigarette in his hands, his icy cold blue eyes gleaming with mischievous delight and sly laughter that he held back as he looked fondly and lovingly and listened attentively to the little girl sitting on his lap talking to him with a solemn expression, an equally mischievous smile playing on her lips as she held his hand in hers.

Nikolai realized you had just shown him your father as you remembered him and he felt a lump of emotion rise in his throat at the fact that you trusted him so much with such a precious part of your life you kept hidden away from the rest of the world. It was a simple sketch but the love you had poured into the drawing showed the feared gangster who was thought of a monster as a relaxed, warm and kind father who had a softer and sweeter side to him that he hid from the rest of the world. He didn’t seem like a ruthless cutthroat gangster. He was simply a man.

Nikolai felt awed and amazed by it, he could feel the warmth and affection of it exude as he suddenly felt a craving to be in that sketch and wondered what on earth you were saying to your father, a feared gangster to make him smile in such amusement.

“That’s my father. I’d love it when he’d laugh. He had the nicest laugh in the world. Warm and steady. He’d always be amused whenever I was around... he had that little proud and amused smile he’d always wear whenever I did or said something.” you said with a reminiscent and fond smile as you remembered how your father’s laugh was such a joy in your life.

“That’s my little girl, ey? You are such fun when you say such odd things.”

“What’s an unforgettable memory you have of him?” asked Nikolai in curiosity as he looked at you, suddenly realizing that this was so sweetly intimate because you were letting your guard down around him and letting him know the little things that you hid from rest of the world.

“I have so many lovely memories of him that it’s impossible to choose. It’s lovely isn’t it? That my father gave me the nicest and loveliest memories to remember him by? But if I had to choose, it would be this one.” you said quietly and reminiscently with a lovely twinkle in your eyes as you spoke thoughtfully after a long moment as Nikolai shifted toward you listening raptly to you.

“My father was out on business to Ketterdam when my school teacher caned me and beat me up more than once for no reason. Perhaps he enjoyed it.” you said softly and honestly with a brave smile as you extended your hand, showing your palm to Nikolai whose eyes widened remembering the times Dominik was hurt by his teacher to punish him. “I feared his temper and hated going to school because I was so afraid.”

He felt hot rod of outrageous anger surge through him as he held your palm that had the scar of the unjust punishment you were given and you shivered when his thumb traced your scar gently “My mother didn’t care when I told her and my brother was the only one who cared. One day, I saw that my father had arrived home earlier than he was supposed to with his friends. He saw what happened to my hand and he went wild with anger. I’ve never seen him so unhinged, out of control. His eyes were glinting with murder but he I was scared and crying.”

“He calmed me down and comforted me, kissed my little wounded hand and bandaged it, made silly jokes, told me stories and put me to sleep. The next day, he woke me up at five and told me to get dressed in my best dress. My father drove me to the school where he had ordered a meeting with all the teachers of the school early in the morning.” you said remembering the tense atmosphere in the carriage where your father had held your little hand in his gently as he smoked his cigarette and contemplated on his thoughts solemnly. “They told me to stay in the carriage but after they left, I followed them and listened outside the door.”

“Ever the spy even when you were a little girl?” teased Nikolai with a mischievous glint in his eyes at the thought of you disobeying your dangerous father’s orders and doing things your own way but his smile faded slightly when he remembered what had happened to you. “What happened?”

“In the meeting, my father withdrew me from school and withdrew funding from the school. He was so calm, so quiet and yet I could feel his anger as he defied them by smoking in the room and threatened them. He didn’t beat them or hurt them but he was absolutely terrifying.” you said with awe and amazement as you remembered every word that your father had uttered in that meeting exuding the promise of death to anyone who so much as dared to breath near you “When he withdrew funding, the principal was furious. He yelled at my father for withdrawing funding and mentioned his crimes and I remember my father just slamming him to the wall and saying ‘I’m not a criminal. I’m a father. And I will break heaven and earth to protect my daughter. Any of you come near her again, in fact if you so much as try to do anything to hurt her and make her unhappy, I will find you and cut you to pieces.’”

Nikolai was equally stunned and impressed at your father’s overwhelming love for you that showed how far he was willing to go to protect you and suddenly wished that his father could have been half the man your father had been as he felt a lump of emotion swell in his throat as you continued “And then he took me out to the village where we spent the day out and we both had a really nice day together. And when he tucked me to bed and told me that I don’t have to go to school anymore, that I’ll be learning at home with governesses and if they gave me any trouble, I should tell him at once... when he told me that, I just felt warm and fuzzy... I felt I wasn’t alone. That no matter how hard life got, he’d always be there for me.”

“Not true, of course. I was wrong. He wouldn’t always be there for me. He was murdered a long time ago and now he’s not there for me anymore.” you said softly and sincerely with a saddened and pained expression and Nikolai felt his heart clench in pain as he squeezed your hand gently “But he was there for me throughout his life and that’s what counts, I guess.”

“Your father may have been a cold - hearted criminal but he was a good father. A kind father. I don’t think many people can say that about themselves.” said Nikolai honestly with a sincere smile as he squeezed your hand gently “And he raised a fantastic daughter. I’d think he’d be very proud of you.”

You smiled through your teary eyes as you looked at the portrait of your genuinely smiling father, his eyes warm and so alive in that moment and looked at Nikolai gratefully as you both stayed in silence and Nikolai asked a question that broke the moment “You said your father was murdered. There are stories that - well, he burned to death along with his closest order members that night.”

Nikolai observed you grow stiff and tense as your face drew into a cold and harsh expression “Yes. I was there that night. It was his birthday... one moment, there my father was smiling while everyone sang happy birthday and suddenly the whole house was on fire, an army of thugs surrounding it and turning the whole place upside down thirsty for blood. My uncles and aunts... they stayed back to fight and distract the thugs while my father ushered us into one of the secret tunnels that led out to safety.”

“I remember him carrying me very tightly, angry people yelling furiously trying to get through the barricaded doors and when he pushed me into the tunnel... he promised he’d come and find me as soon as he could and closed the entrance to the tunnel. That was the last I saw of him. Everything burned down as we ran away. Today is the day I lost my family. I lost my normal life.” you replied quietly as you rubbed your forehead in exhaustion and pain blinking back tears that came with the memories that you had thought of today “And the craziest thing is, I keep thinking that my father’s not really dead. He promised he’d come to find me. He always kept his promises. And he was the man who could always do the impossible, always one step ahead. If anyone could survive that fire, it was him.”

You buried your face in your hands because you were fairly certain you were mad with grief of loss and abandonment as tears slipped down your cheeks and then you wiped them away hastily and steadied yourself “But I know it’s not going to happen. So I made a promise to my dad... to all of them... that I’ll hunt whoever is responsible and when I find them, I will kill them.”

Nikolai knew from the dark gleam in your eyes that you had already found who was responsible for your father’s death and you were just biding time waiting for the opportune moment as he hesitated “Who is it who killed them?”

“Pekka Rollins.” you spat vengefully after a long moment of silence that seemed to stretch for eternity “He killed my father and snatched all of his properties and members to the Dime Lions. Kaz Brekker had his revenge on him and soon it will be my turn.”

“Then let’s destroy him until he begs for mercy from you.” asked Nikolai quietly in steely determination as he looked at you with fire of devotion burning in his eyes.

You were taken aback with surprise and shock as you felt speechless and tongue tied and you finally found your tongue as you replied “You’re going to help me?”

“Of course, love. I’m not going to let you go into this all alone.” replied Nikolai easily and charmingly as he winked at you making you blush “And if you do get in serious trouble, you will have diplomatic immunity on the table because you’ll be happily married to me.”

“You’re a prat!” you laughed, blushing a pretty pink as you tried to hide your shyness by taking a book that he had been reading and slapping him with it while he yelled in pain.

“OWWW! STOP HURTING ME, WOMAN!”

“KICK HIS ASS, Y/N!”

“GET HIM, GIRL!”

“ARE YOU EVEN MY FRIENDS?”

You collapsed into hearty laughter as you spared him mercy as he rubbed his shoulder with dramatic painful groans as he complained but he was smiling widely at you. You looked at the book Nikolai had been reading recently and opened it while Nikolai was busy retorting sassily at Genya, Nina and Zoya.

You smirked widely when you read the rather interesting paragraphs in the book and when Nikolai turned toward you, his eyes widened in nervous shock and dismay as he lunged for the book but you dodged him and began reading the text with a wide and teasing smirk “Anthony felt every fiber of his being consumed by the desire as he pushed her down to the bed and kissed her flawless alabaster skin with desperate passion, his lips traveling down her neck as he cupped her breast - “

“Alright, give it back!” yelled Nikolai who had gone red in embarrassment but you laughed in amusement as you danced out of his way, reading the filthiest parts you could find.

“My goodness, Your Majesty. Who knew that under that perfect prince disguise was a filthy man with naughty thoughts?” you teased as you stood on top of the arm of the sofa avoiding Nikolai who was scrambling to get to you desperately.

“It’s a love story! They are in love!” exclaimed Nikolai who was blushing in absolute embarrassment because now this had destroyed all chances of you seeing him as a prospective choice in your love life. In fact, this was the most humiliating thing that had ever happened to him in his life!

“My goodness, you dirty naughty boy, look at what you’ve been reading! Is this what you have been reading with a straight face?” you laughed in amusement as you wiggled your eyebrows teasingly and playfully at Nikolai making him stutter and blush. “I must say, your reading taste is very... filthy.”

“That’s enough, now give it back!” said Nikolai who lunged at you but you dodged him as you jumped on his back making him yell out loudly as you kept the book away from him and whispered teasingly and sensually into his ear silencing all protests “Was this how it felt to burn for someone you truly loved? To have them and hold them as your own and know that come what may their mind, body, soul and heart was only yours. Katherine let out a loud moan when her lover slammed his -”

“Alright, thank you very much!” said Nikolai who had practically frozen when you had started reading the filthy parts of the novel in a suggestive and sensual voice that had aroused something in him and he grabbed the novel from you as he heard you laugh teasingly and merrily into his ear. “Stop laughing, Y/N!”

“You can’t make me.” you replied boldly and daringly as you slid down from his back with an easygoing and laidback grin.

“Is that a challenge?” replied Nikolai equally cockily and confidently as he turned around and looked at you in a way one would measure his opponent and you felt shivers of pleasure run through you and jolt when he stepped toward you.

You held your breath as Nikolai stared at you longingly and intensely with such yearning that it took your breath away. He took another step to you as his face lingered close to yours that you could see the golden light flickering in his hazel eyes. You could feel his breath fanning your skin as his eyes flickered from your own eyes to your lips. His lips were hovering inches away from yours full of yearning and longing and you suddenly felt a semblance of a fire stoked within you. You knew you should step away but rationality and logic was slipping away from you each moment you were with him. You loved Kaz... you loved... you were trying to remember but it was getting unbearable when Nikolai was so close yet so far away.

The door opened abruptly and Nikolai and you jumped apart, your hearts beating very loudly as you felt your cheeks redden as you suddenly remembered where you were and what had happened. What was wrong with you? What had happened to you? Why had you let yourself indulge in a moment of weakness with Nikolai? He was attractive and handsome but he was your friend! You couldn’t afford to lose a wreck of another friendship! You knew this couldn’t be!

You poured yourself a strong glass of brandy to compose yourself, not wanting to look at Nikolai because you simply didn’t want to see him.

The messenger had arrived and was greeted unhappily by Genya who had groaned, Nina who poured herself another glass of brandy and Zoya who threw a cushion at the poor man as she yelled “REALLY? NOW? IS NOW THE TIME FOR YOU TO BLOODY ARRIVE? GET THE TIMING RIGHT, YOU IDIOT! I WAS ABOUT TO GET MY MONEY AND YOU HAD TO RUIN IT!”

You drank your glass of brandy in one go paying no attention to the messenger who delivered letters to everyone in the room and you poured yourself another glass of brandy when the messenger addressed you “Miss Y/N Y/LN?”

You smiled at him “Yes, that’s me.”

“This is for you.” he said with a nod as he handed over a few letters and you thanked him kindly.

You settled down in a sofa far away from Nikolai with your glass of brandy as you went through your usual letters that your friends from Ketterdam sent you. As you took a sip of your brandy, you nearly choked on it when you saw Kaz’ precise handwriting on the envelope addressed to you. This was Kaz’ first letter to you since you had left Ketterdam after your fallout with him. You felt unusually nervous and terrified, amazed and happy at the fact that Kaz had taken time out of his busy day to write to you. You didn’t know what the contents of the letter were but for the first time, you felt hope soar that this was the beginning of a reconciliation and a new beginning. Perhaps the very stubborn Kaz had somehow written a curt apology and that’s all you needed for now. You held the envelope in your hands for a long time because you wanted to hold onto the lovely dreams and fantasies of what might be in that letter and then you decided to get on with it as you opened the envelope and read the letter.

As you finished reading the letter, you felt a sense of disbelief take over your body and you read it over and over again because you didn’t want this to be the reality. Then something very dark and dangerous in you ignited, something that had been hurt and wounded for a long time began growling in anger as fury and rage boiled in you and crashed over you in overwhelming tidal waves until it was all you could feel and taste and breathe.

You felt the rage and fury burn through you as you stood up and threw your glass of brandy into the wall as it shattered into pieces alarming and shocking everyone who nearly jumped out of their seats and looked at you in concern and surprise but you didn’t care as your crumpled up the letter, breathing heavily and marched out of the room not seeing Nikolai look at you in genuine sincerity and concern.

“What happened?” asked Nikolai in concern as he jumped out of his seat and strode toward where you had been sitting.

“I think this might have been the cause.” said Nina as she picked up the letter that they all read.

To Y/N,

I hope you are in good health.

I know you are on vacation but your duty to the Dregs calls Nina and you now immediately. You are needed for an urgent and important mission in Ketterdam. Your specific skillset is urgently needed for this job. The details are confidential and you will be briefed on it once you are here. You will get your cut once the job is over. Nina and you are to be in Ketterdam within a week.

I know you would rather be lazing in Ravka but I am your employer. If you wish to not continue with this job and life, you can send me your resignation and your position within the Crows and Dregs will be terminated.

Thank you,

Kaz Brekker.

“Alright, that’s it! I am going to Ketterdam to choke the air out of that canal rat’s lungs!” exclaimed Zoya coldly with fury and anger burning in her beautiful eyes.

“I’m going to find Y/N.” mumbled Nikolai feeling absolutely outraged and furious at how Kaz Brekker treated you like you were some investment when you were more than that.

He was going to kill Kaz Brekker with his bare hands the next time he saw him.

After searching the palace, Nikolai stepped into the library where you sought solace and comfort most of the time and heard sniffling and small crying sounds. His heart broke into a tiny million pieces at your pain as he closed the library door softly and took a few steps to find you when from behind a book shelf your voice echoed “OI, go away Nikolai! I don’t want to see you.”

Nikolai halted in surprise and amazement because he had not spotted you yet but you had recognized him as he called out “How do you know it’s me?”

“I know the sound of your footsteps.” you replied knowingly as you rubbed the tears that threatened to leak from your eyes at your heart clenching in hurt and misery because it was always Nikolai who cared about you so much and checked up on you to see if you were fine whereas Kaz broke your heart every chance you gave him.

Nikolai smiled in amazement and astonishment because he was touched and surprised that you knew him so well and paid so much attention to the smallest of things about him as he called out kindly “Alright, now come out. You’ve been there ages.”

You snapped in exhaustion and pain because you just wanted to be alone “Just leave me alone!”

Nikolai followed the sound of your voice as he sat opposite of the shelf where you were sitting, his back facing yours as he let you be alone but he leaned his head back to the shelf as he said gently and sincerely after a long moment of silence as he listened to your quiet crying “Just try not to let him get to you.”

You laughed sarcastically as tears rolled down your cheeks as you snapped in frustration “Oh thanks for that. That’s brilliant advice. Really is! Absolutely brilliantly stupid!”

Nikolai sighed biting his tongue in frustration because he knew that today was a very emotional day for you full of reminders of the life you could have had and the life you had lost with your family and Kaz Brekker had just stoked your grief further as he stayed quiet for a few moments and then took a bold choice “I think your dad would be absolutely heartbroken to see you being hurt by Kaz Brekker over and over again when all he does is never see you for who you are... a wonderful, powerful, kind and strong woman. He’d protect you from him and tell you that Kaz isn’t the one for you.”

You felt acidic bitterness overwhelm your mouth as you spat out “What do you know of my father?”

“I know that he is the man who threatened your school teachers because they hurt you. Because they inflicted pain on you and made you cry. So I know that no matter what, he would want you to always be happy and loved.” said Nikolai honestly and sincerely with no qualms about speaking his mind to you as you listened in awestruck and shocked silence at how Nikolai spoke to your very soul.

You were quiet because you hated that Nikolai was right. But you had believed that Kaz would be better. You had believed that deep down Kaz Brekker truly loved you and hid it in fear of consequences. You believed that in time Kaz Brekker would come to understand his feelings for you and reciprocate the same intense and deep love you felt for him. You sobbed quietly, your hand covering your mouth at how stupid and naïve you had been. You had dreamed of a happy ending with the boy you loved so much but that boy never dreamed of you. Kaz Brekker never thought of you and dreamt of you, he never cared for you and today’s letter was proof that you were merely just an investment to him. You felt angry at yourself for loving him so much despite every desperate attempt to try to forget him and stop loving him. But even though you were miles away from Ketterdam, Kaz Brekker was still the one you loved despite your efforts to break free from him. It hurt you that you were so weak as to be tied in love with a bastard who didn’t even spare a thought for you and you wondered whether you’d ever get out of the darkness of this abyss. This feeling of addiction to an intoxicating drug that you knew was bad yet you couldn’t let go of yet. This feeling of breathing fresh air for a moment before being pulled down to the darkness of the freezing stormy water by the very man she loved. You were trying to leave him but it was just so hard.

You felt so insignificant, completely useless and utterly humiliated by the very person you loved so deeply and who you thought cared for you more than an investment.

But you were so wrong.

As you muffled your quiet sobs, you felt Nikolai’s quiet and gentle presence on the other side of the bookshelf, keeping you company. You didn’t understand why he was doing this for you. Perhaps he saw a damsel in distress to rescue. Perhaps he pitied you. Perhaps he was just here providing you comfort and friendship because he was just that kind of good, kind - hearted and nice person.

You heard rustling of paper and saw that a paper bird that had flown to your side of the shelf. You knew it was Nikolai as you sniffled and delicately opened the paper to see his lovely handwriting “So aside from taking my breath away, what do you do for a living?”

You couldn’t help but smile widely amidst your tears when another paper note in the shape of a butterfly slipped toward you and you picked it up as you read “I was wondering if you are here... who is running Heaven?”

You didn’t like pickup lines but you couldn’t help grinning like a fool as your tears began to dry and you shook your head in amusement and exasperation when another note folded in the shape of a pineapple was sent to you and you read it in anticipation “If you were a fruit, you’d be a fine - apple.”

You couldn’t help it, an amused giggle escaped your lips at this terrible pickup line and Nikolai who heard it grinned in happiness and encouragement as he scribbled his next pickup line and folded it neatly in a shape of a flower as he slipped it toward you.

You opened it with curiosity as your eyes skimmed over “I’d say Saints Bless You but it looks like they already did.”

You couldn’t help but throw your head back and laugh out loudly like a child and Nikolai grinned in pleasure and happiness at listening to your beautiful and wonderful laugh, glad he had cheered you up but he was adamant to work until the very end to see you happy as he wrote another note in the shape of an elephant that you read “I thought this was a library but this must be a museum because you are a masterpiece!”

“Stop it! You are absolutely ridiculous!” you laughed in amusement and exasperation as you shook your head flustered as your cheeks flared with warmth while Nikolai grinned widely as he sent you another note shaped as a heart.

“You must be hell of a thief because you managed to steal my heart from the moment I saw you.”

“If I stole your heart, you wouldn’t be breathing and alive, you absolute moron.” you retorted with an amused laugh, as your eyes twinkled in delight and happiness but your heart fluttered and skipped a few beats as you read those words over and over again. “And where on earth are you getting all these parchment from?”

You heard Nikolai laugh in amusement and delight as he scribbled something and you saw a note shaped like a swan that you unfolded as it read “There must be something wrong with my eyes... I can’t seem to take them off you.”

You blushed as you spluttered going red in the face as your heart fluttered with amazement and wonder at those words as you exclaimed “Are you drunk?”

Nikolai’s lips grew into a teasing and playful smile as he slipped another note in a shape of a flower that you unfolded “I’m not drunk. I’m utterly intoxicated by you.”

“You smooth motherfu -” you began in astonishment and exasperation as your lips tugged into an involuntary smile as you shook your head fondly “How many pickup lines do you even have?”

“Enough to make you smile for eternity.” replied Nikolai with a bright and gentle smile of his own, certainty and sincerity ringing through his voice.

You smiled brightly, your heart lighter and happier than it had been as you crawled to Nikolai’s side of the shelf and sat next to him, the precious notes tucked safely in your pocket.

You smiled softly and sweetly at Nikolai as you felt warmth and gratitude blossom in your heart for him as your breath caught in your throat “Thank you. You know, for making my life slightly less miserable.”

Nikolai smiled at you so sweetly and lovingly that you genuinely felt your heart stop beating as he whispered “To see you happy, I’d do anything.”

You smiled at Nikolai, your heart full of astonishment and wonder at how a person could be full of light and love and give it so unconditionally. You felt a hurt pang in your heart as you realized that you had such a deep bond with Kaz but it was all lies and broken promises used to stab at your deepest wounds and all the secret smiles you had shared with him had become cruel smirks and muffled sobs of pain. You suddenly felt the weight of fresh pain and heartbreak suffocating you as you remembered Kaz Brekker, the boy who had stood by you through thick and thin that now was the reason for you drowning in sorrow and heartache as he watched heartlessly and cruelly.

Nikolai knew by your expression that you were thinking of Kaz as he whispered softly “Are you alright?”

“For so long, I hoped that Kaz would see me the way I see him and love me back. But I was foolish and misguided to let a thief and con artist trick me into believing that I could be loved. To hope that one day, things would be different.” you replied feeling disappointment and pain burn you fiercely and furiously as you realized how stupid and foolish you had been.

“You know, someone who really wants you and cares about you, someone real... would never turn their back on a chance to get to know you.” said Nikolai softly and sincerely, his voice cracking slightly in heartbreak and pain seeing the darkness and self - loathing in your beautiful eyes as he placed his hand on your shoulder gently.

“I don’t have anyone real in my life, Nikolai. I never will.” you replied bitterly and honestly as you felt the sharp arrows of pain and agony pierce you deeply as your eyes clouded with cold understanding and firm decisiveness “I fell in love once... I will never make that mistake again.”

Nikolai felt his heart shatter into pieces at your cold and cutting words that entirely broke his world. He had thought that in time you’d forget Kaz Brekker and hope for a new beginning in love but it seemed that Kaz Brekker had hardened and closed your soft and open heart for loving him. Nikolai felt utterly shocked and hurt as he looked into your eyes and saw that unwavering and firm decisiveness that meant every word you had said and realized that you would not change your mind about love ever again. You would not fall in love again and even if you did... you would never admit it. Nikolai wanted to murder Kaz Brekker for damaging you and making you believe that you deserved to be alone for the rest of your life.

And though Nikolai knew that grief was hardening you and molding you into a girl who had no hope, Nikolai still offered you hope and sincerity as he blinked back his tears and placed a soft kiss on your cheek “It doesn’t mean you are alone. I’ll always be here for you, Y/N... I’ll always be whatever you need me to be.”

You felt warmth spread on your cheeks as the spot on your cheek tingled at the brief touch of Nikolai’s lips that lit a spark in your joyless heart as you looked at him in awe and affection “It doesn’t matter what I need you to be. You should always be unapologetically yourself... you... you are someone who should always be truly happy.”

Nikolai felt shy at how you were looking at him with such intense admiration and fond adoration as you smiled softly and sincerely at him, making a swarm of butterflies flutter within him as he felt himself lose his breath at how divine you were when you raised your eyebrows at him inquisitively “Were you going to ask me something?”

“I’m sorry?”

“Well... you furrowed your eyebrows a great deal this evening when conversing with me. You do that when you are thinking of something important to you and you want to say it but you are uncertain or afraid of the outcome.” you pointed out honestly and truthfully as you raised your eyebrows knowingly because you had observed the wonderful, amusing, quirky little mannerisms of the boy king who you had a soft spot in your heart for.

Nikolai was stunned at your astute and sharp observation and even more shocked that you had cared enough to observe and remember a little quirk and mannerism of his own that he didn’t realize himself as he replied shakily “I do?”

“Yes, you do. At first, when I first saw this, I thought of getting you a Healer because I was concerned that you were having a stroke.” you replied teasingly and playfully with an expression of amusement etched across your face.

Nikolai scowled at you but his lips curved into an amused smile when you burst into delighted laughter and he shook his head at you in exasperation and affection and you looked at him curiously “So what’s on your mind, Nikolai?”

Nikolai had been thinking of asking you out but now he wasn’t so certain. Would you say yes? This was a bad idea. There were so many ways this could go wrong. You could slap him. You could leave Ravka. You could laugh at him and call him crazy. You could reject him and make him feel like an absolute fool for thinking that he stood a chance with you.

To all the Saints and their mothers, he didn’t stand a chance with you! He knew that! And you weren’t interested in him, despite the strong bond that were developing between you two. You were simply unattainable.

Anything worth doing starts as a bad idea.

“I - well, I know you are busy and you have so many important things to - but, I was thinking whether - like - I wanted to know if you would - um - what I mean to say -” began Nikolai stuttering nervously as the tips of his ears flushed red and the heat crept up his neck with shyness and embarrassment at how he was making such a simple task, a spectacular disaster and wished someone would kill him now and put him out of his misery.

You raised your eyebrows in slight amusement and concern as you queried “Are you having a stroke?”

“More like a heart attack because of you, you oblivious beautiful wonderful girl!” thought Nikolai who was having a cardiac arrest, his heart beating at speed that was completely inhumane and he could feel himself sweating nervously and his head spin in dizzy admiration, hope and fear at the thought of asking you out.

“WouldyouliketospendadaywithmeinRavkajustthetwoofus?” asked Nikolai immediately in one breath, his words sounding like messed up gibberish that could hardly be interpreted and understood.

You raised your eyebrows quizzically trying to figure out what the hell had just come out of Nikolai’s mouth because it sounded like a very complicated made up word or a language that had just been invented as you replied firmly “That’s it. I’m worried about you. I’m going to get -”

“NO! I MEAN, WOULD YOU LIKE TO ACCOMPANY ME AND SPEND A DAY WITH ME IN THE TOWN, JUST THE TWO OF US?” yelled Nikolai in a frenzied panic and fright as the words slipped out of his mouth before he could control himself because he wanted to seize this chance before it slipped away and you left him in a week.

Nikolai suddenly realized that he had just yelled at you to accompany him and felt absolutely embarrassed and horrified at what he had just done as his eyes grew wide and he felt humiliated beyond belief wanting the floor to open up and just erase him out of existence.

His humiliation and embarrassment only grew when you laughed in amusement as he lowered his eyes in shame because your rejection hurt him deeply and bitterly when he heard you chuckle in amusement “Oh Saints! That’s what you were worried about this whole time? You could have just asked me, you know.”

Nikolai felt his world screech to a halt at her mind blowing response as he questioned his reality and met your kind eyes that twinkled with mischief as he rasped out hopefully “So... you’re not saying no?”

“You really are a complete idiot, Nikolai.” you replied honestly and truthfully as you rolled your eyes at him and placed your hand on his shoulder with a wide grin “Why would I say no? You’re my friend. It would be lovely to spend time with you.”

Nikolai’s overwhelming happiness was slightly spoiled by the pang of hurt and disappointment he felt when you called him just a friend. But Nikolai knew you were still healing from the bitter heartbreak you had suffered at the hands of Kaz and you needed time. Nikolai was fine with being your friend. He wanted to be more than that in his heart but he knew that it was too much of him to hope for you to love him back now. All he could do was get to know you, enjoy your company, cherish your friendship and try not to fall more in love with you.

How hard could it be?

But right now, it was very hard because you were absolutely stunning as he felt his heart shattering into pieces at the unintentional and unknown rejection from your side as he replied with a bright smile, trying to hide how sad he felt “Yeah. Friends. That’s right we are friends. Who aren’t definitely going on a date.”

“Yeah. After everything that’s happened with Kaz, and all the people I know who were friends but started dating and then broke up... it becomes messy.” you replied honestly finding it very easy to confide how you felt to Nikolai who had become your close friend “I have a rule now. I don’t date anyone I’m friends with.

Nikolai’s heart dropped in disappointment and ached with absolute pain and rejection as he realized that he was never going to have a chance with you as he struggled to find the words through the feeling of disbelief that he hid with a bright smile as he joked “Yeah, yeah, um - that’s funny because I have the same rule. No more friends. I’m completely into dating my enemies.”

“Yeah. And if you break up with them, you can always get your revenge on them and kill them.” you replied with an amused laugh but you felt that you had said something wrong because Nikolai’s smile wasn’t reaching his bright hazel eyes.

Nikolai managed to laugh through the pain he felt as he retorted with a grin “Very violent but I agree. Nice and easy.”

The silence engulfed them and it felt awkward and tense between the both of you. The silence between you and Nikolai had never felt uncomfortable before and you racked your brain trying to think of what you might have said to make Nikolai upset. You shifted from one foot to another and Nikolai fiddled with his sleeve nervously refusing to meet your eyes and you felt absolutely hurt wondering how you could make the silence easy and companionable like it always was between the both of you. You felt uneasy at how Nikolai hid how upset he felt and wanted to see him genuinely smile.

The words burst out of your mouth before you could stop yourself because you could not bear to see Nikolai upset “Hey, are you a vegetable?”

Nikolai looked at you in absolute confusion “What?”

“Because if you were a vegetable, you’d totally be a cute - cumber.” you answered easily with a wide and playful grin hoping that Nikolai would cheer up.

Nikolai’s eyes widened in surprise as he processed what you had just said and pink dust scattered over his cheeks as he felt shy and laughed in amusement and understanding as he felt his his heart flip with adoration for you as he highfived you “Oh that’s good! You got back at me with the pick up lines! I didn’t know you had them up your sleeve.”

You laughed in joy as you smiled fondly at Nikolai as you realized that one day, he was going to love someone heart and soul and something within you ached bitterly at that thought feeling possessive of Nikolai as you smiled at how he talked enthusiastically, his eyes gleaming with bright light that only belonged to a million stars that burned in a far away galaxy.

You wanted to sink into the darkness of your bitter disappointment and painful self - loathing but Nikolai Lantsov was the beautiful sun, the burning fireplace, the warmth that gave you hope and lifted your spirits up even in the darkest of times.

You were losing faith in love but Nikolai Lantsov made you believe deep down that you still deserved to dream and love again.

And as you gazed at Nikolai’s kind and handsome face, it struck you that though you had lost your family and innocence, had blood on your hands that could never be washed off and had your heart broken and bruised, you had found a safe place that you could call a home with Nikolai Lantsov.

And as Nikolai’s bright hazel eyes met your own and your hand slipped gently into his, you both realized that you both had been fighting memories all on your own and standing in the rain alone for too long as you clung onto your bruised hearts and broken homes but now after a long time, both of you had found someone who gave them hope and someone who they would stay for and love the most.

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ineffable-bisexual · 10 months

Text

I can't wait for the husbands to finally have a life where they get to do "boring" every day human stuff. They retire to a cottage in the Downs and Crowley digs a whole garden by hand and fumbles through growing vegetables, learning that you can't yell at potatoes because they're just naturally stubborn and will smother their row neighbors with their roots no matter how much you threaten them.

They both learn how to cook but Crowley finds he's quite good at it (even if he uses a teensy miracle to make sure nothing burns again) and always wants to cook because we all know how he loves feeding his angel.

Aziraphale maybe working part time at the local library and taking his time shelving books and drinking tea so he doesn't have to get on those awful computers to use their digital catalog system. He also teaches the local students who visit about the Dewey Decimal Classification and starts a petition on the community board to put it back in place, in an actual card system as it should be. The only signatures on it are his and Crowley's (a reluctant participant but wants to support his husband's causes no matter how cringe).

Aziraphale dragging Crowley to one of those Paint and Sip parties where you paint the same thing and drink wine. Crowley only goes for the wine and, already being a talented painter, recreates a likeness of Francis Bacon's "Pope Innocent X" while everyone else paints a daisy in a vase.

Crowley stalling in taking out the garbage even though Aziraphale has been harping on him to do it all day, and he finally takes it out to the bin at one in the morning only to be accosted by a pack of raccoons because he forgot to close the bin lid the night before.

They prefer to stay in most nights, as they did at the bookshop but now they have a huge TV and watch old films or yet another David Attenborough special or yet another cooking program. Crowley usually falls asleep with his head on Aziraphale's lap because he always strokes his hair when he's laying there and Aziraphale gets to think of all the times that he resisted things like this as there were ample opportunities. This wasn't the first time Crowley fell asleep with his head in his lap, but now he can sit there and play with his husband's hair to his heart's content as his husband snores to where he can't hear the TV.

Aziraphale doesn't care that they skipped a honeymoon phase and went straight to retired married couple. They got to do it together. It took a few thousand years and a lot of patience and lots of time devoted to sitting down and finally talking. After 6000 years of heartache, stress, running, and hiding...the reward for their faith and love for each other brought them to a cozy cottage.

Their cottage. Their car (yes, it is). Their quiet life. Their "boring" life that still carries a bit of celestial magic that keeps their spark alive. That keeps their marriage like new every day, even in their new routines of living.

Crowley usually stirs himself awake from his loud snoring and smiles up at his angel. "Is it bedtime yet?"

Aziraphale glances at the old grandfather clock by the hallway. It's 8:30pm. He smiles and strokes his husband's cheek. "Sure...why not?"

#don't mind me I'm just putting my fluffy head canons out into the universe #good omens #good omens season 2 spoilers #good omens season 2 #south downs cottage #south down retirement #ineffable husbands

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putradisguiser · 15 days

Text

Maa Satjaree’s Servant

David was living the dream - a successful CEO with his own startup, multiple businesses, and the freedom to travel the world. Growing up, he'd always had it good, thanks to his dad's high powered job at a major insurance company in the US. Now, he was living in the laidback town of Pranburi, Thailand with his gorgeous Thai girlfriend, Kanom.

While Kanom provided great comfort and passion, she also came with her share of dramatic ups and downs. Her temper could flare up suddenly, usually about some trivial matter. David often found himself playing the role of peacemaker in her many quarrels with friends and family. It growing tiresome at times.

Before moving to Thailand and meeting Kanom, he'd been married to Michelle, and they had a little girl, India, who had just turned 6. But things had gone south, and now David and Michelle were separated, with Michelle and India still living in his mansion back in Orlando.

His thoughts drifted to his daughter, India. He missed her dearly and tried to visit as much as his busy schedule allowed. Though separated from her mother, he still cared deeply about her happiness and well being. Face timing with her every week helped, but it wasn't the same as seeing her in person.

David was on the phone again, pacing anxiously on the balcony. Kanom watched from behind over hearing him and waiting impatiently for him to finish the call. As David hung up, Kanom came striding down to meet him. "David! What the hell?! You already promised me! What do you mean you’re gonna go back to the States?!"

David let out a long sigh as he pinched the bridge of his nose. Another fight with Kanom was the last thing he needed today.

"Candy, please try to understand," he began in a calm but tired tone. "My mother has been in and out of the hospital for weeks. The doctors aren't sure what's wrong but she's in a lot of pain. I need to fly back to the States to be with her."

Kanom's eyes flashed with irritation. "But why does it have to be next week? Tangkwa's party is important! All my friends and family will be there and they want to meet you!"

David ran a hand through his hair in frustration. Reasoning with Kanom was like banging his head against a wall. Ever since they met two years ago at a Preston's beach party in Hua Hin, she had seemed perfectly content as his girlfriend - at least initially. But lately she'd been growing more demanding and possessive of both his time and money.

Her family came from humble means in rural Prachuap Khiri Khan, and David understood the allure of his wealth and status. At the start he didn't mind lavishing her with gifts. But Kanom was beginning to wear him down with her constant partying, spending sprees, and now this obsession with flaunting their relationship.

Worse still was her jealousy over his past. Even though his marriage had ended years ago, Kanom was convinced he still harbored feelings for his ex-wife Michelle. The accusations and distrust were grinding him down.

David took a deep breath, trying to keep his patience. "Candy, my mom's health is the top priority right now. I'll only be in the States for a week, 2 weeks max. I promise I'll be back for Tangkwa's party."

Kanom shook her head stubbornly. "It's always something with your family. Work, your daughter and your mother. When are you ever going to choose me?!"

Her words stung, but David refused to take the bait. Arguing would only make the situation worse. "Nothing is more important to me than you and our life here. But family emergencies happen, and I need to be there for my mom."

"You know I care about you," he said. "But my mom’s health is my top priority now. I need to be there in case..." He trailed off, not wanting to voice the possibility out loud.

Kanom's face twisted in anger and frustration. David knew this reaction all too well by now, the dramatics were sure to escalate if he didn't diffuse the situation.

Her lip started to quiver in a way he knew all too well. The waterworks were coming. "But I love you and we're supposed to be together. Don't you love me anymore?"

As the first tears threatened to fall, David pulled her into a hug despite her resisting at first. "Of course I love you, Candy. But I have responsibilities I can't ignore. This is just for a little while."

She melted into his embrace then, crying softly into his shirt. David gently stroked her hair, hoping to soothe her fragile emotions. Inside, though, doubts nagged at him. Was this really the stable future he wanted? Or was it time for a change before things went too far?

Two days before David's trip back to Palm Beach to visit his mom…

The sun was setting, casting a golden and pink glow on the beach and David was chatting with his friends at the beachside bar he owned. The place had a lively atmosphere, with laughter filling the air. His laidback demeanor masking the underlying tension he could feel. Across the room, Kanom was deep in conversation with her sister, Tangkwa, but her eyes kept drifting towards David.

"Hey sis, why the stare? You gotta stop looking at him like that; it's kinda creepy," Tangkwa said, noticing her sister's intense gaze. "I can't help it. I just don't trust him," Kanom replied, her eyes darting back to David. "There's something about him that makes me uneasy..."

"What do you mean? He's a great guy and we all know it. Maybe you're just jealous that one of those guys hitting on him?" Tangkwa teased, knowing her sister's obsession with David.

"You just don't understand. I just can't bring myself to trust him. I have this feeling that he's still talking about his ex wife. What if one of those guys is a friend of hers? I need to make sure he's all mine!" Kanom said. Tangkwa sighed, knowing this was a lost cause.

"Anyway, how's Khun Maa? I haven't seen her in a while." asked Kanom. "She's at home, went to Korat for some 'business'," Tangkwa responded, a hint of unease in her tone. "I don't think you should meet her now, sis. You know how she is these days— a bit much. I'd think twice before bothering her. Unless you wanna risk it."

Kanom's eyes narrowed, a determined glint sparking within. "I need to talk to her. I have something I need to ask for."

"Don't!" Tangkwa interjected, "She's in no mood to deal with anyone right now, let it go. Besides, Khun Maa seems like she doesn't want to be bothered right now." she urged.

But Kanom was unmoved, her desperation palpable. "I have no choice. I have to keep David for me!" Tangkwa tried to reason with her, but Kanom's mind was made up. She was going to seek the aid from Mother Satjaree, Kanom's powerful, great aunt who also a a witch whose witchcraft was rumored to be both so powerful and dangerous.

Tangkwa's eyes widened at the mention of doing a witchcraft to David. She knew her sister was capable of desperate measures. "Don't even think about it! It's dangerous, Kanom! Khun Maa is really powerful and messing with her isn't wise!" she warned.

Kanom's eyes sparkled with a dangerous determination. “I can't! I have to make sure David is mine, only mine! I'll do whatever it takes!" Kanom said her voice rising with desperation. David remained oblivious to the brewing storm.

As the sisters argued, David approached them, greeting Tangkwa and asking if she'd like another rum runner. She politely nodded, a big smile on her face.

David then looked up at his girlfriend, Kanom, and offered her a small smile. There was something about her vibe lately that made him a bit uncomfortable, and he suspected it had to do with his upcoming trip to visit his sick mother in Florida.

"Sorry, Tangkwa, I don't think I'll be able to make it to your birthday party," David said apologetically. "My mom is pretty sick, and I need to go back to Florida to be with her. But I can send you the presents later, if that's okay?"

Tangkwa's face fell slightly, but she quickly recovered "Oh no… well, that's too bad. I was really hoping you could come, but I understand your mother is your top priority right now!"

Kanom glared at Tangkwa, subtly shoving her shoulder as the sisters exchanged a tense look. After mingling and chatting a bit more, David and Kanom headed home.

Once there, David announced, "Babe, I'm taking a shower and then going straight to bed, okay?" Kanom nodded, a strange glint in her eye as David disappeared into the bathroom.

As soon as David was out of sight, Kanom made a phone call to Maa Satjaree. She poured out her concerns about David's impending trip and her growing suspicions about Michelle. Mother Satjaree listened and then offered a solution.

"But both of you must sleep together, after you come to my place," she instructed. "That's the only way the magic will bind David to you. And I'll need his essence as well - tonight."

Kanom agreed to Mother Satjaree's request, then set about gathering the necessary items - David's worn, damp briefs, a few strands of his hair and a small drop of her own blood.

As David stepped out of the shower, feeling refreshed, Kanom greeted him with a sweet kiss. He yawned and stretched, then crawled into bed, not noticing Kanom's furtive actions.

She waited until his breathing deepened, signaling he was fast asleep. Then, with a quick, careful movement, she plucked several strands of his blonde hair, placing them in a small ziplock bag. and sent them to Maa Satjaree's home.

The next morning, Kanom approached David with a sly smile. "Babe, can we go somewhere today? My ‘grandma’ is visiting and she's dying to meet you!"

David hesitated, already planning his trip to Bangkok and onward to Miami. "But I need to go to the grocery store to pick up some things. And I have a flight to Bangkok tonight."

"Don't worry!" Kanom interrupted, her eyes gleaming. "I already called her and she understands you can't be gone for long. Please~ she's so excited to see you! It'll be quick, I promise!"

David sighed, unable to resist Kanom's pleading. "Okay, but no more than an hour." Kanom beamed, already knowing that her plan was falling into place.

David followed Kanom, slightly apprehensive but trusting her. As they pulled up to a modest yet well-kept home on the outskirts of town, Kanom turned to him with a bright smile. Something about this impromptu visit to meet her grandmother didn't sit quite right with him, especially given his impending trip back to the States.

"We're here~ This is my grandmother's place. I know it's not much, but she's so excited to meet you!" Kanom said, practically bouncing with giddy anticipation.

David forced a smile, his instincts telling him that something wasn't quite right. "Alright, let's make this quick then. I really do need to get to Big C and catch my flight."

Kanom nodded, "Of course, of course~ Come on, she's waiting inside." They made their way to the front door, which opened before Kanom could even knock. There stood an elderly woman, her weathered features set in a warm, welcoming expression.

"Ah, you must be David! Kanom has told me so much about you," the woman said, her voice carrying a melodic lilt. She ushered them inside, her gaze never leaving David's face. David felt a slight unease settle in the pit of his stomach, but he pushed it aside, determined to be polite. "Pleasure to meet you, ma'am."

The woman - whom he assumed was Kanom's grandmother - smiled, her eyes crinkling at the corners. David felt a shiver run down his spine, as if the old woman could somehow see into the depths of his soul. He cleared his throat nervously, offering a polite smile. Kanom practically beamed, ushering David inside. "Grandma~ this is my David. Isn't he just the most handsome man you've ever seen~"

Mother Satjaree's lips curled into a enigmatic smile as she appraised David, her keen eyes piercing into him. "Well, indeed, my child. He is quite... captivating. Please, call me Maa Satjaree. And the pleasure is all mine." Despite her appearance she spoke English very well.

David's unease grew, and he cautiously followed the two women deeper into the house, unsure of what to expect. As they entered the living room, his gaze was drawn to an altar adorned with candles, traditional masks, paintings and other mystical looking objects.

"Please, have a seat," Maa Satjaree said, gesturing to a wooden craft chair. "We have so much to talk. I’ll go and make you guys ‘tea’." He could've sworn he saw a flash of something unsettling flicker across the room.

David swallowed hard, his heart pounding in his chest. Something told him that this was no ordinary visit, and he couldn't shake the feeling that he was about to be swept into a world he never could have imagined.

Maa Satjaree came back with a tray of three cups of teas. She gave David the tea with cup made from a clay and nicely crafted with Thai mythical being. As he bring it closer to his mouth he smelled something really awful, he almost threw up. “God…”

Kanom’s happy face turned into a worry “Babe, you okay? Why don’t you drink the tea?” Maa Satjaree looked him deeply she didn’t offended or anything. “The smell… it’s awful…” said David with a disgusted and sick look.

Maa Satjaree chuckled softly, “It’s a special tea. It’s made from natural and healthy herbs I grow in my garden. You probably never had it before so of course you couldn’t take the smell but they’re good for your health and stamina. Especially you’re going to have such a long trip back to Florida, yes?”

David look at her in surprised. How did she knew he was going to Florida? Then she looked up to Kanom “Yeah I said it. So she can’t lock you here forever, right?” She rolled her eyes in annoyance.

“Please drink the tea.” Maa Satjaree said while also pretending to drink hers so did Kanom. David felt so uneasy he didn’t want to drink it but he forced it. As he finished gulped it down in disgust, Maa Satjaree relief. They continued to having a small conversation.

But suddenly midway conversation, David felt something lodge inside his throat. It felt like a hair stuck and tingling his throat. He groaned and coughed but the sensation getting more awful.

The weird sensations grew stronger, David's stomach churning uncomfortably. He tried to groan and pull up whatever was stuck in his throat, but the words caught in his constricted windpipe. Suddenly, his body began to shake, a pulsing sensation appearing in his groin especially in his taint and prostate.

"Mmmph...!" David whimpered, the strange feelings both unsettling and strangely pleasurable. He ran to the other side of the room, shoving his fingers into his mouth in a desperate attempt to dislodge whatever was causing the discomfort.

With a sharp tug, he pulled out a long, thick lock of hair - far more than should have been possible. David's eyes widened in shock and fear as he kept pulling, the hair seemingly endless.

"F-Fuck!" he cried out, bewildered by the sight.

With one final, strong pull, a terrifying, ghostly face emerged from his mouth, its gaping maw revealing sharp, serpentine teeth and a long, forked tongue. The specter let out a blood-curdling scream before diving back into David's open mouth and slithering down his body.

David's form convulsed violently as the entity fought for control. After what felt like an eternity of torment, his eyes went blank and lifeless, before suddenly regaining focus - but there was a sinister edge to his gaze now.

The 'new' David walked back to the room, his movements subtly altered. He approached Mother Satjaree and bowed respectfully, standing before her like a statue awaiting her commands. Kanom's eyes were wide with shock. "Wait, so who the hell is inside him, Khun yai?!" she demanded.

Mother Satjaree's lips curled into a chilling smile. "It's the 'magic.' David is still there, but he no longer has free will. He will do anything you please." She turned to the possessed man. "Putt, are you in there?"

'David' nodded, his voice devoid of emotion as he replied in flawless Thai. "ครับ…", (Yes…) Kanom's mouth hung open, her triumph over David's capture tinged with a hint of unease.

Then Maa Satjaree escorted both Kanom and the possessed ‘David’ to a secluded room, a dark, knowing glint in her eyes. "Onto the next ritual, then," She exchanged an unsettling smirk with the possessed 'David.'

Without warning, this new, sinister David grabbed hold of Kanom and began kissing her passionately, his movements frenzied and hungry. He threw her onto the bed, a predatory grin spreading across his face. Kanom let out a surprised yelp, but it quickly morphed into a moan of pleasure as ‘David’ began ravishing her.

"Oh, slow down, David~ Damn!" Kanom breathed, only to be met with a sinister grin as "David" silenced her with a deep, sloppy kiss.

He pulled Kanom into a deep, sloppy kiss, their bodies intertwining as they hastily shed their clothes. 'David's' mouth trailed down her golden skin, caressing and teasing every sensitive spot. He cupped her boobs, kneading them roughly before focusing his attentions on her aching, erect nipples.

Kanom's head fell back, a loud moans spilling from her lips. "D-David..." she whimpered, lost in ecstasy. This was nothing like her experiences with the old David - this new, primal version of him was driving her wild.

'David's' mouth continued its explorations, finally reaching the apex of her thighs. He lapped at her pussy hungrily, his tongue working her into a frenzy. "S-Slow down a bit…" Kanom pleaded, her body trembling with sensations she'd never experience before with the former David.

Unable to contain himself any longer, 'David' lined himself up and thrust ‘his’ hard erected wet cock into her vagina, ‘he’ let out a deep monstrous moan as he began to fuck Kanom.

Meanwhile, behind the wall, Maa Satjaree observed the proceedings, completely naked as she pleasured herself. She could feel every sensation, every shudder of ecstasy that rippled through David and Kanom, her own desire building with each thrust. The dark magic amplifying the sex into the next level.

As David and Kanom's pleasure peaked, David's jaw unhinged inhumanly wide and a thick, slimy tentacle burst forth from his gullet. Kanom screamed in terror as the wriggling appendage lashed out, plunging straight down her throat.

She tried to scream but could only gurgle in terror as the tentacle tunneled deeper, beginning to drink her down. Blood sprayed in thick gouts as 'David's' body convulsed violently, every inch electrified by obscene pleasure while the tentacle sucked Kanom's very life force out through her.

Eyes rolling back until only the whites showed, 'David' rutted mindlessly. Tentacle gulping her down in time with the brutal pussy pounding. Kanom's groans of agony soon degraded to wet gurgles as she grew frailer and more withered by the second, visibly aging decades in mere minutes as her lifeforce was consumed.

Finally she was just a desiccated husk, falling still as 'David' noisily slurped down her last dregs, leaving only a skeleton splayed obscenely on the ruined bedsheets. Both 'David' and Maa Satjaree climaxed, Maa Satjaree collected her squirt juice in a golden Tibetan bowl.

David cracked his neck, eyes twirled crazily before refocusing. Gathering Kanom's bones, he tucked them neatly into a wooden box, leaving just her skull out.

From a drawer, he retrieved an all-black outfit and other thing. Grinning menacingly, 'he' picked up a wooden dildo, its shape an exact replica of David’s penis just painted in black. ‘David’ sucked the tip lewdly before spreading ‘his’ cheeks and slowly impaling ‘himself’ the wooden penis until it went deep inside of ‘him’. With a throaty groan, cum splattering out around ‘his’ erected pink cock.

Once dressed and stuffed, ‘David’ walked into the next room where Maa Satjaree waited. "Did you get her?" She asked. ‘He’ confirmed, presenting Kanom's skull with a smirk. Maa laughed, handing David the bowl of her juices. "Now drink this."

‘David’ gulped it all down greedily until the last drop. David’s phone rang - it was Mason, David brother. At Maa's nod, ‘David’ answered, altering his tone to his former self's.

"Sorry man, can't make it to mom. Gotta stay here... forever." ‘He’ hung up abruptly, crushing the phone to dust in ‘his’ supernatural grip.

‘He’ pulled Maa into a deep, sweet kiss then ‘David’ standing devoid of emotions next to her obediently, awaited Maa Satjaree orders, pure darkness burning behind his eyes…

#my writing #male possession #male tf #male transformation #m2mpossession #male body swap #male body switch #male possess #malepossession #mtm #stolen body #maletf #gay fantasy story #malebodyswap #maletransformation

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m3r1m4r5u333 · 20 days

Text

One very queer post to remind my fellow buddie truthers that patience is virtue...

Never forget that the show clearly called us clowns and crows...

And neither of those is an insult.

If you haven't, I recommend you read up on the history of clowns. Do you know where they evolved from?

Fools... What are fools, in story-telling?

They have always been the breakers of taboos, the ones who dare speak up and illuminate the truth.

That's repeatedly been the role of the "fool" in literature and theatre.

And remember the scene with these modern versions of fools, clowns, in 4x06? Bobby tells Eddie and Buck to be professionals!

...Much like when he has to cut off Buck from flirting with the tapework guy... In season one. The tapeworm guy? It's basically a scene of Buck being blatantly bisexual, totally flirting with a man... And Bobby going: Be a professional Buck, finish this conversation later!

And then that clown scene later on... There's a clown trapped under some (obviously quite phallic) helium tanks, and Bobby yelling about needing to "release the pressure"?

It's a parallel. Go rewatch Eddie's and Buck's first emergency together. They need to release the pressure to save that patient.

And the name of that first episode Eddie appears in? Under pressure. That's also in the season 2 promo, the first season with Eddie. And the songs in those promos... Under pressure by the Queen and David Bowie. And a version of Nowhere to run by Martha Reeves and The Vandellas. It's a love song, about a persistent, devastating love. Fitting for a slow-burn.

Also...

Eddie: "You're a badass under pressure, brother.

Buck: Me?

Eddie: Hell yeah. You can have my back any day.

Buck: "Yeah. Or you know... You could... You could have mine.

....

Then that emergency with the grenade when they first meet...

Everyone originally assumes it's not live. Oh but turns out, it very much is a live grenade, isn't it? We see it exploding. What's a grenade, going off?

Well, it's basically deathly amounts of pressure. Grenades injure and kill from a distance, the blast, the pressure is so powerful.

So the clowns watch that scene, watch Bobby urging Buck and Eddie to release the pressure... They look at Buck and Eddie working together...

And the clowns make their opinion known.

A clown starts choking, and coughs up rainbow colored string. That's the unsaid truth which this fool says out loud to the audience.

"This story is queer. I'm telling you, there are rainbows. I'm choking on them here!"

The combination of clowns, pressure, grenades... Again... Makes me think of the Batman movie Dark Knight, especially the clever bank robbery heist which

Joker - A famous fool type character, also related to fools and clowns... plans.

Btw, some of you may have noticed that I keep rambling about the Joker, and Dark Knight. Why? Because THAT MOVIE IS A CAPRICORN OF QUEERNESS!!!

And there's that clown theme which obviously comes up in 9-1-1, too. The clowns are the queer audience, it's quite clear. That clown scene was written as commentary, to us, freaking out about the queerness of buddie.

In The Dark Knight... Remember that whole conflict of the two freaks, a Batman and a Joker?

It's a battle against conformity. Diverting from the norm. Joker spends the entire movie trying to make Batman see and own his freakiness.

Honestly I think that we queers should worship that movie, it's a tale of us, the outcasts, the freaks, us against the world.

Because we are the clowns, the fools, the freaks that people fear. Who are always told to shut up, and hide. The ones who have always been the outlaws running from the police, still are. Who nobody believes, when we see our kind.

That bank heist in that movie, which the ultimate clown, fool, Joker, organizes?

They enter the bank dressed up as clowns. The Joker is among them, a twofold fool, a jester wearing a clown mask, his true identity unknown to the other clowns.

The bank robbery heist btw includes lots of stuff which make me go "is this intertextuality?, was 9-1-1 inspired by this?", because they remind me of memorable buddie scenes. A failed phone-call ("I couldn't even call you to bail me out of jail!"),

the bank vault with electricity ("What more proof do you need, Eddie! We are trapped in a death box, thousands of volts of electricity...")

the clowns, the queers, hiding from detection, from the gunfire,

then clowns, destroying each other, one by one.

A clown getting hurt because he's an idiot who cannot really count (Buck, Eddie, the embarrassing struggle to get to "bi"?),

This one clown who thinks it's his time to spring out of the box and stop waiting. This shotgun has no ammo...

and the Joker nods, which convinces the dumb math challenged clown that the bank manager's shotgun has no more bullets...

Here's another deathly nod from our favorite fool...

This backfires quickly, the math challenged clown who thinks the gun wasn't "live"... Dies.

A fool just fooled a fool. A third fool cries out in dismay.

In the end... it's the patient fool here who ends up outsmarting the manager, and winning the battle.

Clowns are clever. We see under the surface, we voice the truth, but also, sometimes we lie to save ourself. That's what being an outlaw, an outcast is.

The Joker bides his time, is smart about it, and when the right moment arrives... he does not hesitate. He robs that bank, proves himself to be the smart one. The ultimate fool. The cleverest clown.

So remember the history of us clowns. We are silly, scary, strange, queer, the annoying ones who won't shut up.

And we are the fools. And fools are the truth seers. Tellers. We aren't dumb, we are clever.

That's how the story goes. Ultimately the fools always realise and tell the truth. We clowns, like the Joker... We saw the potential for "aggressive expansion" in buddie. We were there from the start, we looked at that lurking grenade, and thought... I'm seeing something here. And they will keep laughing at us clowns... But they'll learn when it goes off. I do think it's a live one, darlings.

So, how does the heist and the movie end?

Joker survives the danger, ducks the gunfire... And leaves the manager alive.

He also leaves an impression that will forever change that survivor. The Joker sticks a grenade in his mouth. It doesn't kill him, but that grenade is live, it releases a strange, queer gas.

The Joker gently tells the manager that whatever doesn't kill you... Makes you stranger.

Then... The way the Joker spends the entire movie urging Batman to hit him, to kill him... He challenges Batman to make him realise that they are really the same. That they are both freaks, outsiders... Birds of a feather. Batman needs to stop pretending that he isn't a freak.

It's like Buck and Eddie. Take a swing at me.

Wanna go for the title?

And in the end, they both survive this (really quite queer-coded) stand-off. They prove each other wrong.

Joker finds that he's wrong, that Batman cannot bear to kill him. And Batman admits defeat.

He becomes an outlaw, too. He takes the blame for the chaos, falls out of favor. The bat signal is smashed. Batman knows he'll be hunted... but he can take it.

"...Because sometimes... the truth isn't good enough, sometimes people deserve more. Sometimes people deserve to have their faith rewarded..."

And that's why Buck and Eddie, "Buddie" has really never been a tale of two buddies.

The "truth" is a lie. The fools have always seen it.

And so the Joker, the fool, the clown, actually... wins this battle. He is captured but creates another freak by turning Harvey Dent into the Two-Face.

He makes Batman realise who he really is, an outcast. Batman goes into hiding. But Batman creates another freak, Robin.

It's a lesson. Some of us freaks argue for chaos, some will argue for order. But to others we are still the strange ones. Outsiders, outlaws. Queers. Listen to the fool and realize it, own it. See that we are the same.

And they will hunt us, but the circus grows stronger. Whatever doesn't kill you, makes you stranger.

Oh, and the crows I mentioned in the beginning? Well, they called the crows buddies, and told the audience that the crows always remember their tormentors, didn't they.

Do you think they're waiting for these boys to come out, the show asks?

Of course we were, are. And we've got one now. Waiting for another.

After all, sometimes the fool needs to wait and have patience to see the vision materialize. Doesn't mean the fool was wrong. In the end, the crows will feast.

Crows are smart. And the clowns see the hidden truth.

#911 buddie #buddie #evan buckley #eddie diaz #buddie 911 #911 on abc #evan buck buckley #911 abc #tv: 911 #eddie díaz #ca-caw motherfuckers #the silliest clown of this circus #let the freak flag fly #intertextuality #the dark knight #batman #queer fiction #queer subtext #roger that clown penis

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unrequitedloveletter · 11 months

Note

I wanna love you til we’re food for the worms to eat- this one is summer fluff! Give me two activities/events you typically associate with summer, your character of choice and gender pref for the reader, and I’ll write 3000 words with that!

swimming and picnics withhhh nikolai <3

Sandwiches- N.L x gn! reader

Hi! Thank you for sending this in, it was a blast to write and I'm sorry it's taken me nearly a full two weeks. June has been a very busy month and I've only gotten my footing now that I'm in my last full week of school before exams and graduation, but still! Thank you for sending this in and thank you for your unending patience

As for requests generally, things will hopefully start coming out pretty steadily as of friday! I have a ton of wiggle room this week and even more over the next two and will be spending a lot of that time writing, which will hopefully help my productivity skyrocket lol.

I did go off the request a little (I involved genya, david, zoya, tolya, tamar, and nadia because otherwise I wouldn't've figured out how to move the fic forward) but I hope thats okay!

Fic type- this is just. this is pure fluff

Warnings- mentions of the darkling and what the darkling did to nikolai

Summers in Ravka had always been blisteringly hot. It was annoying, almost, but the transition from late spring to early summer came at you faster than you could've expected. Summer always felt like it was pulled out from under a rug and was never something you quite anticipated, especially not the sheer warmth of the sun beaming at you from nearly all directions.

The transition from spring to summer became especially obvious when you noticed the dandelions popping up in the fields, some of which Zoya collected and gave you for the lime and dandelion iced tea you'd make in big batches when the weather was at it's hottest. You loved the process and often could be found by the lake with Nikolai, drinking a glass of iced dandelion tea that'd been spiked with lime liquor or the dandelion wine Nikolai had shipped in from Novyi Zem during early spring.

That day, it seemed, was no different.

Well, it was slightly different. You and Nikolai had packed a picnic basket with all of the best food from the kitchens--sweet rolls galore, Nikolais favorite food and your own, a couple of the sweets you both liked, and the picnic staple: sandwiches.--and had put on your swimming clothes to spend the day in the lake.

The temperature was at a high of 30 degrees Celsius and it was too hot to focus on anything other than how hot it was while cooped up indoors, and as such Nikolai had given Tolya, Tamar, Nadia, Zoya, Genya, and David the day off. You'd not seen them yet but you had no doubt that Genya and David would find you in the lake eventually, Tamar and Nadia at their heels, Tolya and Zoya probably not far off either.

But, for the moment, you chose to enjoy things as they were. The water was cold, the lime and dandelion tea spiked with dandelion wine kept cold in an ice filled cooler, the sun cascading across the lake in beautiful beams of light. You were determined to enjoy the day and not be deterred by work or the responsibilities that you would step back into the moment you woke the following morning.

Your determination had proved to do wonders by the afternoon, when you had not thought of work since Nikolais arms had found your waist as you idly looked through the librarys catalogue and he'd whispered of a day spent by the lake as you soaked up the sun.

You'd spent most of that day just talking to him. Not focusing on work or having work related discussions, just standing waist level in the water with his arms around your shoulders, talking about the absolute, the complete and the utterly mundane. Your lives had gotten so busy that it was nice to not have to focus on work, and it was incredible to just ask him how he was doing and hear all of the boring particulars of being a royal in turn.

You waded further into the water as Nikolai asked: "What of you, love? Outside of work and going to sleep next to you every night, I feel like I don't know anything of you lately."

You grinned. "I've been reading a lot," you said. "Brushing up on foreign policy, helping Zoya maintain her garden and missing you, if I might dare to be completely candor. I love you, Nik, but how busy we've both gotten is ridiculous."

Nikolai laughed, and you laughed, and then you were turning your head and pressing a kiss to the left side of his jaw and your heart was going still, the rapid thump of it dissipating from your eardrums as it calmed. Part of you was waiting for Nikolai to make a silly but flirtatious remark to get it going again, knew that because Nikolai was Nikolai, it was really only a matter of time.

"I know," Nikolai said. "I've been horrid at managing my time as of late. I've got a relatively relaxed next while, though. Had my advisors make sure of it."

You pressed another kiss to his jaw. "I love you,"

Nikolai laughed. "I love you too."

The two of you carried on like that until the sun was burning low and the sunset was near, between an hour and thirty minutes away at least. You carried on laughing, making jabs and growing flustered whenever the other gave a flirtatious remark or a glorious smile.

You'd missed Nikolai more than you had thought, and every time he would laugh your heart would swell, your body filling with so much contentedness that you could've evaporated within the depths of it. Everything about Nikolai was the picture of calmness, assuredness and composure, and his presence was usually a constant as you were a consort--soon to rule alongside him, if he would ever propose--and worked within the depths of his palaces, a member of his council and one of his guards on the night shift a few days a week, waiting for the demon of the Darklings creation to come out of hiding as it did whenever you were not there to put him in the handcuffs he wore while he slept in the Darklings old quarters.

You had missed him like nothing else, and there was not a moment of that day that you weren't cherishing. It was a glorious day in summer, your mind was not focused on work or the particulars of the palace, and you were determined to enjoy it and do nothing but enjoy it.

You swam for a little longer, engaging in a splash war--which, with great humility, you ended up winning--against Nikolai and laughing when Nikolai tried to get you back for it twenty minutes later, claiming another victory against him within a solid ten minutes.

You relaxed, floated about the lake and let yourself stop thinking for a while, sat on the docks for a break to breathe and look at the sky while Nikolai floated about the lake and remarked about how relaxing it was to do so. You closed your eyes, created waves in the water by idly kicking your feet to keep it from getting too cold.

You opened your eyes again and reapplied sunscreen despite the sunset drawing nearer because you didn't want to take any risks with the health implications of not applying sunscreen at all. Nikolai approached and wrapped his arms around your waist, humming as you began to run your hands through his hair and massage his scalp, a comforting silence settling between the two of you as he idly ran his thumb up and down your hip.

"'M sorry I've been working so much," Nikolai said, breaking the silence as the sunset really started to close in on the two of you, the sky setting off into hues of oranges, reds, purples, light and dark blues and even a couple of spots of a deep blueish green. "Seeing you when we go to sleep or when you're putting me in chains in anticipation of the monster has been good, but I miss seeing you during the day. I'm sorry I let work cloud everything over for a while."

"It's as much my fault as it is yours," you said, pulling a hand through your own hair as your gaze moved to the sky again. Nikolai joined you on the dock, pressing a kiss to your forehead as he pulled you into his arms. The picnic food was to be eaten before the sun fully went down if all went according to plan, but you decided you'd let the two of you have your moment while you still could.

"I've been busy with things around the palaces. Helping Genya plan galas and palace events, helping David and Nadia with their experiments where possible, helping Zoya maintain her garden and looking after it when she got too busy to manage the upkeep, cleaning the kitchens in the afternoons and the early mornings for free sweet rolls and pastries from the cooks when they start baking just a bit after sunrise. We've been avoiding each other, I think, even if neither of us actually meant to do so. We both got really busy really randomly, but we've corrected our course, and everything is going to be okay. You don't need to apologize to me, Nik. I understand how life as a royal can get."

Nikolai smirked. "You'll be one soon enough, provided that I finally get my hands on a good enough ring."

You laughed. "I would be entirely willing to marry you with a ring made out of paper and twine, Mr. Lantsov. I do not need some fancy stone or excellently made ring to marry you. I've been willing to since we were nineteen years old," since you'd met him while he was Sturmhond, since you'd fallen in love with him while the two of you were at sea, and every day since. He was the love of your life, and, ring or no ring, that wasn't changing for anything.

Nikolai pressed a kiss to your lips--it was a quick peck, if anything--and it lingered, even as Nikolai opened the cooler and shot you a grin as he poured the iced lime and dandelion tea with the dandelion wine into two glasses.

You began to sort through the food from the picnic basket, passing out the first of a couple of different things between you and Nikolai when you heard the sound of an oh-so familiar scoff.

"They're not going to be out here," Zoya said as Tolya met your gaze, mouth splitting into a huge grin. "They've been MIA the entirety of today, but to spend the day by the lake? Nikolai is probably afraid that the lake water will ruin his oh-so effortless beauty."

"Or it's 30 degrees out today and effortless beauty be damned, Nikolai and Y/N decided to spend the day by the lake with dandelion tea and enough food to feed a small army," Tolya countered. Zoya met your gaze and just laughed.

"You convinced him, I'm guessing?" She asked. "You do love your swimming and picnics."

"It was entirely Niks idea," you responded. "I was going to spend my day in the library, but he quite literally whisked me away and now we're here. Tolya, there's an empty flask in the basket if you're wanting to pour iced tea into it. Fair warning, though, there's dandelion wine added to Niks taste."

Tolya gave you an appreciative nod as Zoya tossed you a towel from the bag you'd put them in near the edge of the docks closest to land. In thanks, you passed her your glass and let her take the first of the tea while you dried your hair and adjusted so that the towel acted as a barrier between you and the docks, thanking her when she filled the glass and passed it back.

"The AC is working better than we thought it would after the maintenance crews came in to fix the system a couple days back," Tolya said. "Though, true to it's roots, it's only working slightly in some places and doing overtime in others."

"The library in the Grand Palace feels like a bloody ice cube," Zoya said. "The corridors are well ventilated as it were, and they're cold enough to ease the sweating when you're walking around. The common rooms are well enough, too, but the meeting rooms and the dining rooms are less better off."

"Add an additional system," Nikolai said. "See what you can do to have an additional system installed, and make sure that the tea in the samovars is cold, at the minimum. The weather is going to hover between twenty-five and thirty degrees this week, so we need to do what we can to keep cool."

Tolya nodded as you took a sip of the tea, grinning at your beloved as he draped an arm over your shoulders and pulled you close.

"Enjoyed a day in the sun, then?" Tolya asked as Genya and David joined the four of you in relative silence, Nadia and Tamar also joining up not long after.

"We've been busy," Nikolai amended. "Took today to catch up, relax, and cool off while still getting enough vitamin D."

"You overbooked yourselves?" Tamar asked as you passed her a sandwich and grabbed your own. "At the same time, too? Saints, you're idiots. Idiots in love, but idiots even still." You glanced at Nikolai, who was barely managing to stifle a laugh.

"It's funny because it's true," David amended. You pressed your forehead against Nikolais shoulder to keep yourself from giggling, your shoulders shaking with silent laughter instead. You ate the first of your sandwiches and grabbed another, neither you or Nikolai saying anything and instead finding yourselves content to let your friends fill the silence instead.

You grabbed more tea for yourself and thanked the saints that the deserts you'd packed hadn't managed to ruin within the blazing heat of the summer sun once the deserts started getting passed about, idle chatter about up and coming events still swallowing the silence in random fits and starts.

You were content in the silence, though. Extremely content, so it seemed, and the bouts of silence were ones you didn't at all mind or feel bothered by.

How often did you get to have evenings like that one, anyway? Evenings where you, Nikolai, Zoya, Nadia, Tamar, Tolya, Genya, and David all crowded on the docks and ate all of the food you'd packed because some part of you had anticipated a few of them joining up anyway? How often did you get to get tipsy off of lime and dandelion tea with dandelion wine while you chatted with the people you loved like family and the man you were absolutely, completely and utterly certain you would marry?

The answer to that question was simpler than one might've thought. Nights like that were rare--so rare that you almost could not recall a night like it having occurred in the years since the civil war had ended. You were cherishing every moment, every bit of banter-y argument between Genya and Zoya, every quick kiss shared with Nikolai and every time your hand would find his where it rested on your shoulder and give it a squeeze.

It was summer nights exactly like that one that you loved the most. In the summer heat that Ravka typically dealt with, drinking tea with your closest friends.

At some point--likely close to eight--Tamar accidentally shoves Genya into the water. David goes to help her out and back up onto the dock, but she just grabs him by the hand and pulls him right in. Zoya jumps in before she can be pushed or shoved or experience an attempt at cajoling by Tamar or Nadia. Nadia dives in after her wife and Tolya does a cannonball that manages to have resounding water that falls gracefully in an arc over you and Nikolai onto the docks from a solid ten feet away.

You glance at Nikolai, grinning lightly as you catch the glinting mischief in his eyes.

"You've won against me in our water fights twice today," he said, smirk crossing his features. "What do you say I try to claim at least one victory before we head back into the palaces?"

You quirk an eyebrow. "Willing to make bets, Mr. Lantsov?"

"More than."

"If I win, we get the day off tomorrow. If you win, we can work a double for all I care."

"If I win, we ease up on our schedules in the evenings for the rest of the week, have picnic dinners out here, with more dandelion tea and wine than either of us will possibly be able to sanely consume."

You jumped into the lake at that, getting a safe distance away from him. You let him claim the victory and laugh as you realize your water fight has instigated another water fight where it's been split into teams of three, Tamar, Nadia, and Zoya against Genya, Tolya, and David.

You swam to join Zoya as she used her wind to make the splash of the water that much more powerful, where Nikolai joined David at his side.

"Easy week?" She asked as you sent a wave towards Nikolai.

"Easy evenings, lakeside picnic dinners."

"You picked good," Tamar said as she switched positions, Zoya on your right and Tamar on your left. "Not in the aspect of wave fights, but in terms of work."

You laughed. "I know I did," you said. "I have no doubted that I picked excellently for a moment since the very day I realized I had fallen in love with him."

"Contrary to your beliefs, I think Nikolai is the lucky one," Nadia amended as she sent a wind up and laughed as a large wave swathed her brother in law almost completely. "He's got the one and only person who makes decent dandelion tea in all of Ravka."

"I second that," Zoya said with a laugh. You sent a wave so big it got all of the opposing team at once, shouting your victory as Nikolai, Genya, David, and Tolya devolved into laughter.

Your heart was happy. You were so content in that moment that you never wanted it to come to an end.

Sometime later, after it had gone midnight and everyone else had gone to bed, you and Nikolai were drinking the last of the lime and dandelion tea and idly eating some of the unopened sandwiches that still remained. You were almost asleep, could feel Nikolais heartrate slowing beneath the palm that rested on his chest and indicating that he was just as tired as you were.

You were so overwhelmingly happy in that moment, the tea drank and the last of the food not having gone to waste in the end. You had a couple days more of sandwiches and dandelion tea to come, and you knew you'd appreciate each of them as much as you appreciated that day in and of itself.

#nikolai lantsov #nikolai lantsov x reader #shadow and bone #shadow and bone netflix

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ask-the-no-killing-game-au · 23 days

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For everyone in the cast, how are you doing? I mean this both externally and internally, a lot has happened

Answers under the cut as i don't want to put too much in the tags. People who don't want to see the au, just enjoy the drdt fanart, maybe go block my au's specific tags if you really don't want to see :3

Ace; Happy he dodged a bullet by not going to the meal, but still pretty terrified of what's to come. He's always been scared of a lot

Arturo; He's not doing well, but claims he's the best he ever felt - and believes that, too. Everything he does is for Veronika now, nothing is for himself anymore

Arei; One of the people to find David. Pretty terrified, as she did feel bad for him. She also seems to have gotten into a disagreement with Eden, so spends a lot more time with J

???; Ever since she ran away from the meal, her location has been unknown. (Yes, she's alive and not dying.) Apart from Whit, nobody really cares, as they're more focused on David and Arturo.

David; Second worst mental health in the cast, after Arturo. He wouldn't do anything to himself if it threatened his life, but if given the opportunity by someone else...

Eden; The stress of the situation is really getting to her. She seems to be losing her patience with people..

Hu; She still just wants to help everyone, no matter what. Extremely worried about Nico, as she saw them as her family.

J; Doesn't care about Arturo, but worried about Nico. Still can't seem to get over what happened with Veronika.

Levi; Also wants to help, but isn't doing as well as Hu. She isn't particularly worried as she finds it difficult to understand his own emotion

Min; Just trying to distract herself, it's all she has

Nico; Terrified for their life. Constantly hiding, only leaves to get food or a bathroom. They want to stay away from Arturo.

Rose; Tries to sleep a lot of the time. She's been spending time with Levi and Min in hopes that they can create a friendship out of the situation.

Teruko; Her luck seems to have gotten her into a lot of bad situations. Doesn't regret staying here, as even now at least she has her own room and fresh food.

Whit; Trying to stay very positive, but it's difficult when his partner has completely gone missing.

Xander; ???

Hi, if you read this far.. Here's everyone's current location.

Relationship diagram has been updated.. also, nobody noticed the timestamp in the previous post.

#ask the no killing game au #drdt no killing game au #drdt non killing game au #danganronpa despair time au #drdt au #danganronpa despair time #drdt #non killing game au answer!!#ace markey #ace drdt #drdt ace

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misslavenderlady · 1 year

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Hello Lavender I recently came across your page your writing is wonderful and I love it. May I request demon The lost boys + Micheal x nun reader smut very smutty if your up for it. I can’t wait to read this wonderful story you have planned out :).

Mary On A Cross 🛐

David/Marko/Dwayne/Paul/Michael/Female!Reader

Summary: Just because you're a holy woman on sacred ground doesn't mean you're safe from the temptations of Hell. The true test of your faith will be when five demons come to play~

Thank you @xxryn for the writing request! I appreciate your patience. This came out so much longer than I planned. I'm not Catholic (or even religious for that matter), but I did a lot of research about the church and nuns. Forgive me if some stuff isn't accurate.

WARNINGS: Nsfw/Smut/18+ Readers Only, Dub Con, Nun!Reader, Female!Reader, Virgin!Reader, Sex Dreams, Temptation, Religion Kink, Shame, Confessions, Prayer, Demons/Incubus, Teratophilia, Flirting, Pet Names, Groping, Pretending to be a priest, Sex on an Altar, Sex in a church, Group Sex, Vaginal Sex, Taking virginity, Nippleplay, Licking, Spanking, Dom/Sub, Clit rubbing, Mutual masturbation, Circle jerk, Dirty Talk, Praying, Creampie, Sex feeding

“Bless me Father for I have sinned. It has been a week since my last confession. These are my sins.”

You really felt like a failure for having to do this, but it was absolutely necessary. The struggles you were dealing with had worsened recently, and you feared that your will was being tested. Still, you had to be strong. That was why you were in the confessional, sharing your sins with the hidden priest.

For as long as you could remember, you were devoted to your religion. It was a significant part of your life growing up. You attended many christenings, weddings, and funerals held at your family’s church of choice. Rain or shine, you went every Sunday to sing and pray. Your teen years were a balancing act between academic life and your duties for the church. Every authority figure in your life praised you for being such a good kid.

So that’s what you decided to devote yourself to as an adult. You knew nothing of life besides faith, so you followed the path to becoming a nun. It was no small task to complete, yet you were more than dedicated. You gave up your luxuries, promised your vows, and joined your convent to live a humble life that was fully devoted to God. It was hard work, yet you handled it with ease.

That was, until recently.

Temptations had begun to creep into your daily life, attempting to slip into the cracks of your spirit and corrupt your very soul. Though such things would seem normal to an average person, you were a woman of God. You had to be disciplined, and you knew the smallest tests of faith could spiral out of control.

It had started with rather sensual dreams that you had in the dead of night. Every time you slipped into a deep slumber, visions of handsome men and bare bodies danced around in your mind. They whispered lewd promises and sang out the most depraved moans you’d ever heard. The first time you had such a dream, you had woken with a start, completely drenched in sweat. You were sure you were ill with some kind of fever.

But it didn’t stop after that.

It was a bit different each time. Sometimes you saw a blond. Other times it was a brunet. One night, the voices promised to be gentle and make love to you. The next night, the voices demanded to fuck you like a wild animal. It made your head spin with each passing night. Though you never really remembered the faces when you woke up, you always had a dripping heat in between your legs. Cold showers had certainly become your friend.

The shame you felt was getting worse. Everything you knew about sex was from the educational courses in school long ago. That, and there were some rather colorful remarks made by the boys whenever you wore a skirt to class. Such temptations never swayed you before, but this time was different.

You desperately tried to pour yourself into your work. You chanted plenty of Hail Marys, spent hours each day praying and read the bible over and over again. Whenever a charity event was planned, you were the hardest worker involved. Your fellow nuns were so proud of the work you did, yet you still held a pang of guilt deep inside.

That’s why you were confessing these sins today. You shared these erotic dreams with the intention of clearing your conscience.

“I cannot silence these dreams, Father,” you said in exasperation. “It has gotten to a point where I can feel my mind slipping back to them during the day. Whenever I try to do my work for God, I see these images of lust and I feel...dirty.”

“I see. While you are a faithful woman to God, it is important to remember that you are still human. We all have temptations that make us stray from the path, but we all find our way in the end,” the priest explained to you. “In fact, you truly have not done anything wrong for these are visions beyond your control. After all, you have not done anything to act on such desires.”

Your stomach twisted with guilt. It reminded you of your days of youth when you confessed to silly things like sneaking a treat from the cookie jar or lying to your parents about where you went with your friends after school. You never did anything truly wild, but the guilt made you feel small and weak.

“That’s the problem, Father. I...like those dreams. I find myself wanting to act on the desires they give me. Wanting to experience that pleasure...oh God, help me, I’m so ashamed...”

Every time you dreamed of sexual conquests beyond your wildest imaginations, you felt the need to quench your thirst grow stronger and stronger. There was a time long ago when you had realized how good it felt to rub yourself on your pillow, but you were too scared of the consequences to complete your pleasure. The temptation to explore your body and satisfy the lustful ache was worsening.

“My child,” the priest interrupted your thoughts. “You are not alone in this world. There will always be love and appreciation for who you are. These dreams are a test for you, nothing more. A test of what you are truly capable of. It may be scary, but you must have faith in yourself. Perhaps you will find that you will become stronger than you ever imagined. It will all be okay in the end; I can promise you that.”

You exhaled, still wary of what you were experiencing, but feeling a lot better thanks to the kind words of the priest who listened to your confession. There was genuine care in his voice, and you appreciated him for not being judgmental of your struggle.

"Should you find yourself facing the temptation again, come to the sacred ground of the church so you can share these struggles alone with God. You may find that solitude will provide the clarity you need to overcome this challenge and come out stronger than ever."

That was certainly something you could do. With a hail Mary and a thank you to the priest, you stepped out of the confessional. You would keep his words of guidance in mind as you went about your duties for the day.

With the moon shining down to bring another beautiful night, it was time to sleep. Your plain, white nightgown was draped over your frame, ready to keep you warm and safe during the hours of slumber. You prayed before tucking yourself in, asking for a dreamless sleep.

Though as you shut your eyes and drifted off, that prayer was swiftly proven to go ignored.

It was so innocent at first. Nothing but pure silence in your dreams as you rest. Then the familiar forms of your frequent visitors appeared before you. They weren’t entirely clear in your vision, but you knew these were the men you had seen night after night. One stood out more than the others, a faded image of platinum hair and a long coat. Even with his face hidden, you knew he was smirking. He always was.

“She’s ready for us,” he purred. His voice was muffled as if he was speaking underwater. A gloved hand reached out to you, caressing the side of your face. Even in your sleep, the sensation felt so real. It made you want to squirm away, but your body remained paralyzed.

“Now now, my pet. Do not fight us. We’ve waited for this night for so long.”

The other figures moved closer, each moving to a different side of you. They trapped you in a circle, hovering over you. You could not see their eyes, but you certainly could feel them watching you. Never before had you felt so vulnerable.

Playful giggles teased your ears, mocking you as their hands caressed your body. Still, your ability to move was taken away and you could not get yourself to wake up. The more these figures played with you, the stronger your fear became.

You were under their control, up until the moment when the leader of this nefarious gang of dream monsters finally revealed his eyes to you. Yellow. Sickly yellow in a sea of red.

“It’s time to wake up.”

The spell was broken, and your eyes shot open. Your body was free and immediately shot up in a panicked jolt as your senses finally came back. Goosebumps were littered across your skin and your heart was pumping faster than ever. Those hands that touched you. They felt so real. Like it wasn’t in a dream.

That wasn’t the scariest part though. What truly struck fear into your heart was how wet you were. The slick in between your legs could not be ignored. Your thighs clenched together, trying to fight off the tingling sensation that taunted you so. Even though the dream frightened you, it enticed you as well. The battle for maintaining your status as a holy woman was still going on.

You had to fight for your faith.

With a toss of your bed sheets, you slipped on your shoes and dressed in your robe and habit. A bible was held in one hand and your rosary beads in the other. The cover of darkness cloaked you as you maneuvered around corridors and corners, making your way to the church.

You knew the path well. Day and night you prayed away in the church of your convent. It was a place of safety, and seeing the familiar statues and stained glass when you opened the doors immediately washed away most of your fears. The soft glow of candlelight beckoned you, giving a warm welcome as you kneeled in front of the altar. With the sign of the cross, you prayed.

“Lord, with your bright and open heart, forgive me for showing darkness to the light. Putting my back, to what is right was wrong, and I have sinned against you. Forgive me, O merciful one, because I have relished my wrongs and I am sorry for what I have done. Lord I am ready to continue following in your footsteps. Take me from the dark. Hear me now, O lord. Amen.”

Satisfied with your prayer, you basked in the silence of the church, taking the time to think about what you had done. You were strong. You were devoted.

But you certainly weren’t alone.

“Now what's so bad about the dark~?”

Your eyes shot open at the sound of a voice speaking to you. It wasn’t across the room, but rather right behind you. Turning your head around, you were face to face with a visitor in your church. A man towered above your kneeling form, dark clothes draped over him, and hair striking platinum.

This man was so very familiar. Though you didn’t know who he was, your gut was telling you that this was someone you had seen night after night. Still, you couldn’t believe such a thing. Surely, this was not the one that danced around in your dreams. It had to be some kind of coincidence.

“Wh-who are you, Sir?” you questioned timidly. With your eyes locked on the man, you rose to your feet, clutching your rosary as tightly as possible.

The closer you got to him, the better you could study his features. He was a truly beautiful man. Stubbled cheeks and icy blue eyes. You were a celibate woman, but you were still human. The priest you spoke to had reminded you of such a thing when you went into confession. Still, you would not be swayed.

“Why, my sweet little darling, don’t you recognize me?”

Your heart dropped in your chest. The blood in your veins went ice cold. This couldn’t possibly be happening.

“I think she’s shy, David.”

The new voice immediately made you jump in fright, as it was spoken right next to you. While clinging to your chest, you looked to the side to find a man with dark hair and eyes gazing intensely at you. Where on Earth did he come from?

“I think you’re right, Dwayne. What’s goin’ on with her, Paul?”

To the other side, a shorter man with flowing curls of gold eyed you hungrily. There was pure wickedness in his hazel eyes, and you did not like that at all.

“Wait a minute, who wants to know, Marko?”

Another. Right behind you. A shriek came from your mouth as you spun around, coming face to face with a blond-haired, blue-eyed man lounging casually on the altar. The four strangers snickered at your reaction, clearly amused by your fear.

This really wasn’t good. You were a woman all alone in the church, surrounded by four incredibly intimidating men. There was no way any good could come out of such a situation. All you could do was grasp at the cross around your neck and pray to God to show you mercy.

The one they called David took your hand, moving you so you would face him again. His smirk grew wider as he brought your hand up, kissing the back of it. The way his beard scratched at your soft skin made you feel dizzy. A twinkle danced in his eye, no doubt from the amusement of how timidly you reacted to such a gesture.

“We’ve been visiting you night after night, my dear,” he cooed. “Surely you would recognize the sounds of lust we sang to you while you slept~”

Before you could even get a word out, the other three men pushed in closer to you. They each moaned and whispered lewdly, perfectly clear for you to listen. Your cheeks flushed at the sounds, completely overwhelmed. All the while, David watched with delight.

“I...STOP! Stop it!” you cried out. “I don’t know who you are, but you’re not welcome here!”

“Awww that’s not true, sweetheart,” Paul giggled behind you. “Aren’t all God’s kids welcome and all that?”

“I dunno, Paulie. We’re not exactly related to ‘God’. Quite the opposite,” Marko added.

Something about that made your stomach churn. There was something far more sinister in what he meant. You trembled as the boys traded looks with one another. They surely weren’t up to any good. You were about to find out just how dangerous they truly were.

“I think it’s about time we show you exactly who...or rather what we are~” David smirked.

You didn’t know what to expect by such a confusing statement. It was only when the blue in David’s eyes faded away and the glow of gold took its place that you realized how grave the situation was. They were the same demonic eyes you saw before you awoke.

And the transformation only got worse.

Before your very eyes, David and the other boys morphed into inhuman creatures. Their figures towered higher and their hands stretched out longer, talon-like claws growing from the tips. They salivated with mouthfuls of fangs. The clothes on their bodies faded into mere clouds of smoke, leaving their beautiful figures completely bare. Without the clothing, they had the freedom to show what they had been hiding behind their backs.

Deep, crimson wings unfurled from their shoulders, stretching out to present their truly massive size. The shape and form mimicked that of bats, only far more jagged and sharp in appearance. Impish tails slithered out as well, slithering across the ground much like snakes.

You were speechless. Horrified. Demons were right here in your church, completely surrounding you. Your body felt hollow, nothing but the void of dread swallowing you whole. There wasn’t even strength in your voice to scream.

If it weren’t for the doors of the church opening up at the other side of the church, you would have been paralyzed with fear for eternity. Your prayers must have been answered because a priest was standing in the doorway. Young and strong, just the hero you needed.

"HELP ME, FATHER!" you screamed out, finding the strength to push past the demons and sprint straight into the holy man's arms.

"What's going on here?" he asked, holding you close. You already felt much safer in his embrace. His voice seemed familiar. Comforting.

"There are demons! Real, unholy demons on sacred ground!" you cried out. He held you tighter as you hid from the sight of the monsters. "You must perform an exorcism at once! Please!!"

The priest soothed you, holding you close to his chest. Demonic laughter taunted your fears. You couldn’t understand why they were so powerful in a church, but you had faith in the priest and his ability to cast them out. They had to be vulnerable in some way.

“I’m so sorry. I really am. Please forgive me...”

Before you could even ask what he was apologizing for, David spoke out to him directly.

“You did your job, Michael. Get out of that ridiculous disguise and bring our little lady over here.”

In a flash, your heart stopped in your chest. The man who you thought was coming to your rescue was one of the monsters. He proved it as much as he transformed before your very eyes. His chest and arms shifted around you morphing into unnatural length. The priest disguise faded away and his own pair of demon wings stretching outward.

Gazing into his glowing eyes, you could swear there was still a human glint remaining. Perhaps his guilt was true for betraying you. Still, that certainly didn’t stop him from lifting you up into his arms and holding you tightly so he could carry you back toward his beastly friends.

“NO! God in Heaven, save me!!” you screamed out, striking Michael’s chest with your fists in vain.

“God ain’t here, babydoll~” Dwayne chuckled.

“We’re the only beings you’re gonna worship now~” Paul added.

Your body trembled as the five beings watched you carefully. They were so much bigger and stronger compared to you. When David reached forward to caress your cheek, you winced, fearful of how easily he could hurt you.

“C’mon, darling girl, there’s no need to be frightened,” he cooed. Michael passed you to him, whispering another apology before letting you go. David smiled down at you as he carried you up the steps that you had been kneeling on just moments ago.

“We’re not here to hurt you. Nor are we here to bring you to Hell. That’s not the kinda thing we do with humans~”

He nodded towards Marko, silently signaling the curly-haired demon to clear the items at the altar so he had space to put you down. The man smirked with delight before swiping his claws over the table, letting the holy objects clatter to the floor below.

You felt utterly dirty being laid down over the altar from the look of mischievousness in his eyes. There was a growing fear of just what would he would do. How could you possibly trust his word to not bring you any harm?

“My brothers and I are very special demons,” he explained. You whined as his clawed fingers gripped at your habit. That too was tossed aside, letting your hair become exposed. “We are incubi. Do you know what that is, dear?”

As a matter of fact, you did.

They were creatures that fed on the desires of man. Usually, they manifested in dreams and had “sex” with their victims as a way to obtain their energy. Now all of those dirty images you dreamt of made sense. They were the monsters that tempted you so with lust.

“I’m sorry, honey. David’s kind of mean about these things,” Michael chimed in. He was perched at the other side of the altar, fingers petting your hair as an act of kindness. “I told you, they are nothing to be ashamed of. We’re more than happy to give you the things you want. We feel good when you feel good.”

Now you were really upset. You looked at Michael with disgust in your heart.

“You....you monster! I trusted you! I didn’t talk to an actual priest! My sins....oh they haven’t been forgiven...”

While you wept in fear and frustration, the other boys crowded. Though you wanted to scream out in terror, you silenced yourself when you found no danger in their touch. The boys shushed and cooed in your ears, kissing and massaging you while David and Michael still held you down.

They were demons. Monsters that would surely destroy you. And yet, their touch made you feel....good. Amazing, in fact. You had never experienced the embrace of a lover, yet they were far more delightful than you had anticipated.

Surely it was their power influencing you. Clouding your judgment.

“We’re still good on our word, darling. Our very nature is to bring pleasure to beauties such as yourself~”

David's fingers traced over your hipbones, teasing you before slinking over your inner thighs. Though you tensed at how close he was getting, the others lulled you back into your sense of calm.

“We’ve had our eyes on you for quite some time now. We sent little Michael here to act as our eyes and ears and study you better. You are truly an adorable thing. Sweet. Innocent. Virginal.”

A soft gasp fell from your lips as his hands slipped under your robe, claws pulling at your underwear. You shivered as the fabric slipped down your legs. All around you, the boys eyed the garment with hunger, no doubt getting anxious to divulge in your body.

“We don’t just want to take you, my dear,” David whispered. You shook terribly as he grabbed at your legs, opening them up like the gates of Heaven. He was pressed up against your lower body, teasing you with his length. This was really happening.

You were going to lose your virginity to a demon. God would never forgive you for this, but your body would never want to forget it.

“Tonight, we’re going to make you our bride. And that means....consummating the marriage~”

The last thing you heard before he sunk in was the devious laughter of his demon brothers. Immediately, your back arched and your cunt clenched, so unfamiliar with such a sensation. To your shock, he slid in easily, despite being so massive. You hadn’t realized how soaked you were up until that very moment. God, you really had been so blind to how much you wanted this.

“Fuuuuuck, this pussy is perfect,” David growled, his voice far too low and distorted to be human. The others watched in delight, each enjoying the show. Still, they didn’t forget about you.

Dwayne’s tongue and teeth played with the skin of your neck, finding patterns that made you squeal the loudest. Marko’s hands lewdly groped you through your robe, pinching the sensitive nipples underneath to make them stand out. Paul joined David’s work, nimble fingers traveling down over your clit to start a circling motion. It reminded you of your previous experience with experimentation.

Michael was truly the sweetest out of them all. He held your face in his hands as he leaned in to kiss you. He wasn’t a deviant like the others. There was genuine romance in the way he kissed. It gave you that fluttery sensation in your stomach that your friends in school had talked about.

“Are you frightened now, my little love?” David asked, watching you closely.

“I....ooooh..mm!!....a....l-little...” you mewled. He filled you so deeply, it was impossible to concentrate on anyone but him. “Oh....I’ll tr-truly be sent to Hell....for th-this....”

That made the others giggle playfully. You had broken your vow to God, and they were enjoying every moment of it.

“Aww dontcha worry, babygirl,” Dwayne cooed in between licks.

“Why don’t you say one of your prayers?” Marko suggested, flashing a fanged grin.

“I’m sure God will forgive you for getting your cunt filled in a church if ya do~” Paul teased as he picked up the pace, getting you to wiggle and sigh some more.

While your body was caught up in the intense pleasure, you got your mind back on the prayer you said every day. David threw your legs over his shoulders, pushing in deeper inside you. Seeing you so helpless was truly driving him wild.

“Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy Name.....Thy Kingdom come...oooh...Thy will be d-done in earth....A-As it is...nmmm!..in heaven..”

You prayed quietly, gripping tight to your rosary as David kept up his thrusting. He and the others were so wild, yet they worked so perfectly together. Your attempts to cling to your holy ways only added fuel to the fire within them. They each toyed with you more and more, hungry for you in all your innocent glory.

“Say it louder, pet,” David demanded. He struck your ass with a spank to further the point. “Be a good girl for us~”

“Give us this d-day...our....our daily bread...aaahh...and forgive us our trespasses, as w-we forgive those that trespass....f-fu..against us..!!”

There was something happening inside you. Something that you never experienced before. It was growing stronger by the minute, ready to consume your entire being. It made your mind go fuzzy, and it paired well with the fast thrusting of David’s cock. Your voices and sounds of sex echoed off the church walls.

“That’s it, sweetheart~” Michael whispered. He and the others had each begun to stroke themselves while David took you. The flush in your cheeks only got stronger when you saw their massive cocks around you. They all made the most vulgar sounds.

David was fucking you faster now, no doubt to chase his own rising pleasure. You didn’t know what would happen, but you wanted it.

“And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil...For....For thine is the kingdom, th-the power, and the gl...glory...For....e-ever and ever....Amen!”

By what was surely a miracle of God himself, you managed to finish your prayer. Just at the right time too, as your built-up desire finally overcame you, hitting you swiftly with pleasure.

“OOOhhh my God, David!!” you cried out for the demon. Your beautiful voice calling his name finally allowed the incubus to climax as well. He pushed himself in as much as he could, cumming deep within your sacred body. His brothers followed closely, all growling out while they marked you with their seed.

You shuddered from the unfamiliar sensation. It was so warm and gooey on your body, and it absolutely ruined your robes. Still, all you could truly think about was how amazing they looked after all of it. David, especially, was looking quite satisfied.

They hadn’t lied. You truly had an amazing time. If they weren’t monsters from Hell, you would have thought it was like being blessed by an angel. They certainly were beautiful enough to be such beings. But while you were feeling drowsy with how relaxed you were, the five of them had a newfound energy. After all, they technically had just fed.

And by the way they were licking their lips and eyeing you carefully, you had a strong feeling they wanted some dessert too.

“Ooooh you’re never getting rid of us now, sweet girl,” David purred. “We’re gonna have a hell of a night with our new wife~”

Tag List: @ghoulgeousimmaculate @britany1997 @6lostgirl6

#the lost boys #tlb #ao3 fic #my fic #writing request #nsft #smut

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