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zero00kiryu00 · 3 years

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MHA Unhealthy Habits Pt. 2

▵ To read part 1, click here.

▵ Again, these are personal headcanons. You do not need to agree with them, but please be respectful.

▵ TW for topics related to mental health. ▵

▵ This post contains manga spoilers from chapter 290 onwards. ▵

▵ This should come as a surprise to no one, but Momo, whether she realizes it or not, has a tendency to overthink things, obsessively so.

▵ She will overanalyze a situation, overthink any kind of plan until every single detail is laid out. It doesn't matter if it is something as simple as a trip to the mall with friends or if it's the groundwork for a villain attack.

▵ Momo will ask enough questions that by the time she's fully filled in the details of the plan, you could have an entire book of the day's schedule completely laid out.

▵ She will feel anxious if the plan doesn't follow the schedule.

▵ Tokoyami's habit is based on the backstory of the Hitachiin brothers in Ouran High School Host Club.

▵ Tokoyami, for as long as we know, has always had Dark Shadow by his side as soon as his quirk manifested. He has always had a friend nearby, someone that he can constantly rely on.

▵ It's not that he is skittish around other people, or that he doesn't welcome them around, but he is very purposeful in creating his own self-isolation.

▵ He always has someone nearby, so why would he need to rely on other people or have them constantly in his life? He already knows of someone he has a purely symbiotic relationship with -- Dark Shadow.

▵ They rely on each other, they know everything about each other already.

▵ Reaching out to others, explaining himself and his personality all over again, doing anything to branch out into friendships feels like a waste of time.

▵ Tsuyu's habit partly has to do with her quirk, as it's an involuntary act.

▵ Tsuyu has a habit of oversleeping, without even realizing that she does it, due to her natural inclination to hibernate as part of her quirk when it gets to be too cold in her environment.

▵ Granted, it would need to be quite cold for this to affect her, but in the wintertime, this is a very difficult thing for her to overcome. After all, for most frogs, hibernation begins once temperatures reach just under 32 degrees Fahrenheit, and with average temperatures for winter in Japan ranging from -10 to +7 degrees Celsius, it wouldn't be difficult for Tsuyu's quirk to take effect in the wintertime.

▵ Rousing her from her sleep is a difficult task for anyone.

▵ Sero is known amongst his peers as the class clown, often joking around with other students in 1-A and has even tried to crack a few jokes with Aizawa on occasion, which is almost always met with a deadpan stare.

▵ But every once and a while, Sero will crack a joke that falls flat and makes everyone in the room go quiet. No one knows how to respond to the odd joke Sero uses to cope with his problems.

▵ "Ah, I guess that one wasn't all that funny, was it?" He'll say, laughing nervously as he scratches at his neck, feeling tense with the awkward silence surrounding him. "Sorry about that."

▵ Similarly, whenever anyone cracks a joke that's directed at Sero, be it about something he said or did, or something related to his Quirk, Sero will laugh in the moment, but behind closed doors, he will crumble to the ground as the voice in his head nags at him, saying that none of his classmates actually like him.

▵ They wouldn't make jokes about him if they did, right?

▵ As the leader of the League of Villains, a lot of pressure is put on Shigaraki's shoulders into overturning hero society. All for One's confidence in Shigaraki's success is one of the largest factors in the responsibility he feels.

▵ He wants to impress his mentor, and ensure that he is worthy of the guidance and teaching, and later on All for One's quirk, that he received in order to make his dreams a reality.

▵ Shigaraki ties most, if not all, of his self-worth into his accomplishments.

▵ He becomes frustrated if even one thing goes against the plan, tearing himself up both figuratively and literally to punish himself for failing, time and time again.

▵ He does not want to leave room for error and will destroy himself in the process of having everything go perfectly.

▵ This may be the most obvious of all of these characters, but Dabi's unhealthy habit is his stubborn obsession with grudges he holds against the people in his life.

▵ Little Touya Todoroki was told endlessly that he would be the greatest hero Japan had ever seen, surpassing All Might, surpassing Endeavour, and rewriting hero history.

▵ Of course, he would hold a grudge against his own father for filling his head with dreams that would never be fulfilled.

▵ Of course, he would feel worthless and desperate for any kind of acknowledgement after he discovered that his body was not built to withstand his quirk.

▵ Of course, he would do anything, literally anything to prove his worth; to prove that he in fact could and would surpass All Might and Endeavour, no matter the damage done to his body or the consequences he would face.

▵ His obsession is part of his own self-destruction. His desire to prove himself, to make sure that he can actually do what was drilled into his head as a child, to do what he had trained to do, destroys him, inside and out.

▵ As a double agent, Hawks is very particular about the relationships he has with certain people and guards himself very closely.

▵ He is a phenomenal actor, having been trained under the Hero Commission to manipulate and extract information from both heroes and villains in order to keep the peace as best he can.

▵ Because of the distance he needs to keep between himself and those around him, Hawks has only ever had surface-level attachments to people; using them only when they are useful to him.

▵ This of course affects all of his relationships, friendships, and alliances both in the present and in the future.

▵ Hawks does not know how genuine contact with other people should play out, since he has only ever acted as the friend, the ally, or the partner for his missions, leaving him a very lonely individual.

#tw.mentalheath #bnha #mha #boku no hero headcanons #boku no hero academia #momo yaoyorozu #tokoyami fumikage #tsuyu asui #sero hanta #dabi #hawks #touya todoroki #tomura shigaraki #keigo takami #sfw #Zero.fics.HC #class 1a headcanons #bnha spoilers 290

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aspoonofsugar · 4 years

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Wizards: “I can fix It”

Douxie’s catchphrase is “I can fix it” and I think it conveys an important theme (if not the main theme) of the spinoff series.

This is because this same concept appears over and over throughout the series, even if sometimes the words used are different:

These are just some of the occurrences where the motif of fixing/breaking appears. Let’s see what it means and how it is linked to what is probably the main theme of the whole franchise:

DOUXIE AND MERLIN: REDEMPTION FROM A SCORNED MENTOR

Douxie’s obsession with making things right has to do with his wish to win Merlin’s approval. He feels he has been failing for 900 years and he wants to finally prove to his mentor and father figure that he has grown. He can make things right now.

This is why the plot literally starts with Douxie failing to bring everyone to safety and ending up lost in time with the others. Since then, he has been trying to fix things. This idea evolves in not only going back to the future he left, but also into making a better future:

Douxie and the others try to fix the relationship between Morgana and Arthur, but this ends badly since not only Morgana dies, but also Excalibur is broken.

Douxie tries to fix things, to make them better, but the result is that Excalibur (aka the only weapon which can be used against Gunmar) is broken.

Here, we are introduced to a statement, which is the opposite of Douxie’s motto:

It is not by chance that Merlin is the one stating this because throughout the series he comes to embody this line of thought. Merlin never tries to fix what is broken if it means other things might get lost. He never risks anything to make things truly better, but fights to keep things from degenerating. For example, he loses Morgana, but does not try to save her. What he does is to try not to lose Douxie as well. In the time travel section, Merlin’s objective is not to make history better, but to make sure things go as they should. This means some things are lost, but also others are gained and safe.

This kind of behaviour works to keep the world balanced, but it does not solve the main conflict to the point that 900 years later things are still like they used to be in the past. The Order is still trying to destroy humanity. Morgana and Arthur are still not at peace. The world still needs a trollhunter and so on.

This is why it is symbolic that Merlin does not fix Excalibur, but Douxie does:

And he does so by doing things his way and not Merlin’s.

The time travel arc is solved because Douxie and Merlin work together. Merlin’s struggle to preserve history and Douxie’s one to make it better balance each other out and in the end they succeed in saving the future they all know.

That said, the difference in POVs between Merlin and Douxie is still there and it manifests when discussing Jim’s fate.

Merlin wants to sacrifice Jim for the greater good, but Douxie refuses and comes up with a plan to win everything. He wants to fix things completely and not to lose anything. The result is that he loses everything:

Merlin dies and Douxie is once again confronted with what his mentor told him in Camelot:

Some things just can’t be fixed and the fact that loss is gonna happen must be accepted. It is something at the root of life itself. Who refuses this truth is bound to stay a prisoner of the past.

ARTHUR AND THE ORDER: “OUR REDEMPTION”

Arthur talks about redemption twice, but the meaning behind the word changes each time. The first time, Arthur wants to find redemption by reconciling with his sister. The second time, he wants to destroy the world to make things right.

This is important for two reasons.

a) “Redemption” is just another word for “fixing it”. A redemption happens when a person makes a mistake and then fixes his mistake. This is why Douxie himself wants a “redemption from a scorned mentor”.

Douxie and Arthur even have an important scene where they discuss this topic:

In there Douxie inspires Arthur not to give up just because he made mistakes. He should instead try to make things right.

b) The different kinds of “redemption” the king mentions show the danger of embracing the mentality of “making things right” to an unhealthy degree:

After all, the Order and Arthur’s objective is “to fix the world”, but in order to do so they are ready to destroy humanity.

Why is their mentality wrong? Shouldn’t the idea of “fixing things” be a noble one? Sure, it might be difficult to succeed, but generally the attempt of mending a mistake is considered as positive, isn’t it?

The antagonists show that this is not always the case. As a matter of fact the will “to fix all mistakes” can lead to extreme standpoints and to a refusal to embrace change.

This is made clear by both Arthur and the Order.

When it comes to the Order, they are trying to bring the world back to how it used to be. Still, they refuse that things have changed and that they can’t go back. This is why they are symbolically trapped in a time loop first:

And then in an infinite series of doors:

It is because they refuse to go on.

The same can be said about Arthur:

He could never overcome the loss of his beloved and ended up stuck in the past and unable to accept the future with its contradictions. This is why it is meaningful that he is killed by the remnants of Camelot (something broken, which can’t be fixed) and that he is told by Morgana that times have changed:

Let’s once again highlight here his foiling with Douxie. As a matter of fact Douxie too must accept the death of a loved one:

He is even symbolically asked to “break Merlin’s staff” to progress in his mission. Here, breaking the staff is functional to the plot, but it is also symbolic of Douxie’s grief and of him breaking free of his idea that he has to fix everything. Like Merlin said, not everything can be fixed.

Interestingly, Arthur’s grief is commented by the breaking/fixing motif as well. As a matter of fact Excalibur breaks when Morgana dies. In that situation, the sword breaking is symbolic of Arthur’s own heart and character breaking. He is supposed to be the chosen one, but he gave himself up to hate and lost everything:

Merlin: “I will repair Excalibur and perhaps mend out shattered hearts.”

In the past, Arthur is given a chance to fix his mistakes. Excalibur is fixed and he bonds with the trolls he had persecuted. However, in the end he becomes too broken to be fixed once again and he dies as a prisoner of his own shadows. All because he can’t accept his losses and his mistakes.

WIZARDS MAKE NO MISTAKES, HE MAKES UNEXPECTED POSSIBILITIES

So, not everything can be fixed, but at the same time it is necessary to try to make things better. How can one do so? The answer is given to us by Merlin.

Mistakes must be seen as new possibilities. Sometimes bad things happen, but they can still change a person’s life for the better, if the person is able to keep an open mind.

If the person keeps going, if they keep becoming they can embrace possibilities, which just were not there.

This is why it is not necessary to fix everything in the sense of bringing everything as it was. It is impossible and it is wrong. What a person can do is to make things better in a new way.

This is how Douxie tricks the Order:

The Heart of Avalon is not there anymore, which means they can’t go back in time to fix it. However, fragments of it are still there and they can be used to make something new:

I personally loved how the time-loop trick worked because it builds on what happened in D’Aja vu, when magic and technology were combined. It was a nice idea and very symbolic of what these two worlds (which are clearly linked) can obtain when they integrate.

In the end, Douxie does not fix everything. He gives the Seals away to save Nari and the others. The Order is still around waiting for their chance to strike. However, he still saved his friends.

The same can be said about the major subplots of the season. In the end Morgana and Arthur’s relationship was impossible to mendle. However, she still mendles her relationship with Merlin:

Moreover, Claire manages to save Jim. Not only that, but Jim comes back as a human. Even in that case, though, the trollhunter amulet is broken.

Still, this does not mean that everything is lost, but that there is room for new possibilities:

Being it Jim or someone else, a new hero will probably answer Excalibur’s call and end the conflict. Another person will keep on becoming.

MAGIC IS THE ART OF LIVING

This brings us to how the spinoff explores the idea of becoming, like the rest of the franchise does.

This idea is presented at the very beginning of the series, when Douxie is told by Merlin this:

Magic is the art of living and living is different than simply existing. Living means existing in an active way.

It means to make good use of the chances you are given:

It means not to run away from who you are:

You can and must do it both if you are “remarkable”:

And if you are “nobody”:

This is because it does not matter who you are in present, but who you can become:

Once again the foiling between Douxie and Arthur brings the point home.

Arthur is the chosen one, while Douxie is nobody:

Still, Arthur is the series main antagonist, while Douxie is the main hero. This is because they have decided to become different people:

This is also why “every life is precious”. It is because every individual can become something amazing:

Still, to do so, they must accept change, face fear and find a place of belonging:

#wizards #tales of arcadia #toa #tales of arcadia meta #toa meta #douxie #arthur pendragon #wizards meta #my meta

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ramblings-of-a-mad-cat · 2 years

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I rlly found your ananlysis of House Baratheon interesting and was wondering if you had any thoughts about House Arryn? They're my favorites

Thank you so kindly, anon! I'm happy to put them under the microscope, though there are only three characters to speak of, so I'll probably have less to say. Side note, while I am now reading through the books, I haven't finished them, so I'm gonna keep my analysis mostly to do with the lore from the show. Let's get started!

So first we have Jon Arryn. We don't learn much about him, we never see him, but everything we hear suggests that he was a man of honor. I mean, Ned Stark certainly seemed to think so, and this is the guy who spent many years raising him. Course, he also did that for Robert, but by Robert's own words, he basically ignored all of Jon's teachings. Jon also seemed to be a practical guy, as he was the one to suggest Robert marry Cersei and ensure Tywin's support. Given Robert's nature, Jon was more or less the real ruler of Westeros for seventeen years, which were (mostly) peaceful. Like, no shade on the Robert stans, but whenever they point out that Westeros prospered under his reign, I feel like they're forgetting that was largely in spite of him, not because of him. It was Jon Arryn who kept things running. So overall? A good guy. The only thing that we could really say was sketchy about him was the age gap between him and Lysa. I know, it's a different culture, and hey, people have happy marriages with age gaps all the time. But if what Walder Frey said is true, and the gap is comparable to him and one of his many wives? Yeah, that's creepy, and we already know Lysa never loved him. Still, he didn't deserve to die as he did. On the whole, I have a relatively positive opinion of this guy, from what little we know about him, mainly because of how much he looked out for his surrogate sons. Refusing to hand them over to the Mad King, investigating the paternity of Robert's children, etc.

Lysa Arryn is next. Oh boy, she's a piece of work. On some level, I do pity her. She's clearly one of many people who has mental illness that goes undiagnosed and untreated. Which explains a lot, including the way she raises her son. (I will...get to Robin.) But on the other hand, she's a grown woman, and that can't excuse everything she does. Which among other things, includes murdering her husband (She was basically just carrying out a Hit for Littlefinger, but she was obviously happy to do so.) and holding Sansa over the Moon Door. Her obsessive love for Littlefinger is rather disturbing, and I find myself wondering what she would do if she was ever forced to choose between him and Robin. I can only hope she would make the right choice, but then again, she also seems to love Robin a bit too much. Like, that could be her primary flaw as a character. She seems to care very little for most people, even her own family (she seems basically indifferent to her sister) but when she does love someone, she loves them to an unhealthy degree. One interesting line of note is when she mentions how Cat took on Ned's stern nature because "marriage changes people." I think that may apply to Lysa as well. Not necessarily concerning Jon, but I think The Vale's overall sense of self-importance (which I will also get to later) was something that she absorbed, as well as the crafty and ruthless nature of the man she truly loved. I don't think Lysa deserved to die as she did either, but I can't say I felt that sorry for her. My concern in that scene was for Sansa being left alone with Littlefinger. He manipulated Lysa as well, it's true. But if she wasn't so blinded by jealousy, she might have recognized that whatever happened or didn't happen between Littlefinger and Sansa was not Sansa's fault. I'm sorry, but, of all people, Lysa should be able to sympathize with a young girl who's trapped in a relationship with an older man. But she and Littlefinger have...quite a history. This is alluded to in the show, "We already had our wedding night many years ago!" but not only did they sleep together when they were younger, but Lysa got pregnant. And Hoster Tully forced her to basically self-trigger a miscarriage. Yeah, when she lists her father among the people who "stood between" her and Littlefinger, that's why. I want to pity Lysa, I really do, but...other characters suffered just as much as her, and more, and they treat the people around them better.

Time to talk about Robin. Who, in the books, is actually called Robert? I guess they changed it in the show to avoid confusion between him and Robert Baratheon. Got to say, I appreciate that, and the name Robin really suits him and House Arryn as well. Oh Robin...Robin, Robin, Robin...you poor, strange little child. It's not his fault. It truly isn't his fault at all. He is the way he is because he was raised to be. He was breastfed until he was at least ten years old, possibly even older. And Lysa would do this in front of everyone, too. Not that there's anything wrong with nursing a baby in public, but, I feel like when Robin grows a bit more mature, he'll likely be mortified that so many people in his social circle saw and knew this was happening at that age. He's sheltered. So, so beyond sheltered. I've worked with children for years and I've known kids like Robin. It always worries me, to think about where they might wind up. He was just kept in the Eyrie, spoiled within an inch of his life, and never taught how to fight or ride or anything. Which, in this world, are kind of necessary life skills, especially if he's meant to be a Lord of one of the Seven Kingdoms. The Vale is not exactly The Reach, either. The terrain is more dangerous. This poor kid deserved better. One of the wisest things Littlefinger ever said was "No, his mother should have, a long time ago." Striking a child is abuse, end of discussion. But Robin should have been disciplined. Should have been told no every now and then. Should have been raised to find joy in something other than watching people fall through the Moon Door. Seriously, was he brought to like, every execution or something? How many executions were there in his childhood? Why was he taught to think of it as a game? Like...okay, given that he was raised by Lysa, this does make a degree of sense, but...what about Jon? He played some part in raising his son, didn't he? Jon has only recently died at the point the series begins, it's not as though he's been gone for years. Speaking of, this poor kid's parental figures keep killing each other. He has no clue that his mother killed his father, nor that his mother was killed by his beloved "Uncle Petyr." We don't really know what became of Robin when all is said and done, but with Lord Royce to provide guidance, I like to think and hope he wised up a little.

Well, that about covers the known members of House Arryn. Let's talk about The House as a whole, as well as their kingdom. Because generally, I think there's a tendency with these folks to hold themselves above everyone else. I'm all for neutrality. If you have no stake in a conflict or would just otherwise prefer to stay out of it, that's valid. But alliances are what make this world go round, and very rarely can one of the Seven Kingdoms provide for itself without any help. The Vale always keeps to itself, they basically stayed out of the War of The Five Kings, and they only joined The Battle of The Bastards because Littlefinger was Lord Protector and wanted to get back into Sansa's good books. The House words for the Arryns are "As High as Honor" which is a curious phrase. Of course, being more honorable isn't a bad thing, but I think there are all different ways to live honorably and different motives for it. The Starks live honorably, but they do so by adhering to a strict set of rules. If something is dishonorable, (such as Jaime killing Aerys) then it doesn't matter if it was the right thing to do in that circumstance, because if something isn't honorable, it can't be "right." With the Arryns, they seem to think that their honor makes them better than everyone else. Or at least, The Vale's culture suggests this. Why is the Moon Door objectively better than having an executioner? Because it's more "elegant" I guess? The Starks don't use executioners either, but they have a moral reason behind it - the belief that if you sentence someone to death, you should be willing to look them in the eye and kill them yourself. The Vale isolates itself and seems to have developed a sense of self-importance during it's isolation. I suppose all of those mountains make it difficult to traverse, and the Eyrie is said to be impregnable. (No matter what creepy sex jokes that an annoying cutthroat might make about it.)

House Arryn is not unlike House Baratheon in the sense that underneath it's exterior, there's some creepy and terrible stuff going on. It's even got the kin-slaying! But I think it was much more deliberate in this case. I think House Arryn is meant to appear on the outside as being "as high as honor" so to speak, but when you look below the surface, there's some messed up stuff going on. Jon Arryn, tragically murdered by The Lannisters because he was about to expose them...nope, turns out, he was murdered by his own wife. She's mad as a hatter, and teaching her son to turn out the same way. Then she gets murdered as well, within two episodes of revealing that she was the one to kill her husband. (Side note, the poison being called "Tears of Lys" is such blatant foreshadowing but I love it.) And now her son is little more than a figurehead for one of the shadiest character's ever-increasing plans and horizons. While The Knights of The Vale do seem to have a bit more sense, they're also easily fooled. All it took was the testimony of one teenager (who definitely sounded like she'd been coached) to get them to do a complete 180 on trusting Littlefinger. The fact that they brought up his Braavosi ancestry sure doesn't help either. Why does that even matter, Lord Royce?

Ultimately, the Arryns have the idea of honor and prestige, but that's all they have.

#House Arryn #Game of Thrones #Jon Arryn #Lysa Arryn #Robin Arryn #A Song of Ice and Fire #Littlefinger #ASOIAF #Petyr Baelish #Lysa Tully

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bang-fantansies · 3 years

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Sasaeng BTS Profiles: Yoongi Edition

Warning: Heavy mentions/implications of suicide, mentions/implications of overdosing on medication, insomnia, unhealthy behaviour, obsessive behaviour, poor mental health, self-denefse killing, homelessness, nightmares, mention/implications of side-character being drunk, death, blood, gore, destruction of evidence, crime, profanity.

I did my best to include any triggering topics mentioned in this post, but if you see any more potentially sensitive topics I may have missed, please let me know!

This does not represent Bangtan as people or a business, nor does it represent anyone/anything associated with them. This is purely fictional and was made for entertainment purposes only; not to slander anyone or any company.

Mental Stability: 3/10

2:50 AM.

As was the same battle every night, Yoongi lay in bed, the whole world sleeping apart from him. He couldn’t help it, of course - believe me, he would if he could - and this was what made the thoughts in his head run wild.

Each thought had a voice, all unique to their varying degrees of uselessness, yet the message they chanted was identical.

“Sleep! Sleep!” they cried. They’d grown louder over the years as Yoongi’s insomnia worsened, and in spite of their efforts to help their master, they did the complete opposite.

That dream - red and monstrous - drowned out any measure of volume the voices could hope to muster.

The sound of a man gargling with his own blood made Yoongi feel as if he was suffocating, and more often than not he’d jolt up in bed, forced to replay the events of his early adult years.

Before finding his current residence, Yoongi had been forced onto the streets by unjust circumstances, leading to a great deal of situations he’d rather keep buried beneath the layers of his memory.

One such situation involved another homeless man - drunk, Yoongi had assumed - competing with Yoongi for a bottle of liquor he had scored.

Yoongi’s only use for such a thing was to sell it off and use the money to find a cheap room and a meal. But his opponent had refused to accept such nonsense.

“Such fine wine shouldn’t go to waste!” Yoongi could still hear him say, voice ringing in his ears.

“And it won’t if you just let me pass, you stupid old prick.”

In short, the drunkard had taken Yoongi’s tone very personally and caused his own demise by making a haphazard attempt on the younger’s life, resulting in having the bottle of wine he oh-so desired slammed into the side of his head, shattering and giving Yoongi a sharp enough tool to puncture his throat with.

Yoongi fled the scene not long after, keeping the remains of the bottle to hand until he could destroy the evidence later on.

Nowadays, while he was far from sleeping rough, he hardly slept at all for fear of his actions whispering cruel and dark remarks into his ear.

As it would for most, this took its toll on Yoongi’s health; physical, emotional, and mental.

The pressure had proven to be too much for him to handle, and on this night, he had decided he’d had enough.

On his computer desk stood a bottle, a proud shade of orange with its contents revealed in a cluster of black ink, made to resemble actual handwriting, written across a label stuck to its front - the only semblance of privacy Yoongi was allowed. Its white cap was ajar, and though no scent came from within, Yoongi could practically smell the prescription enticing him to a snack.

And under normal circumstances, he would have declined as he had many a time before.

But these were no longer normal circumstances.

Yoongi rose from beneath the bed sheets, any semblance of humanity he’s once held having burnt out alongside his will to continue.

He knew what it meant to live - to love the act of being human - but he was no longer human. He most similarly resembled a shell; cold, hollow, and filled with the shadows of his own mind.

And so he had made his decision. Despite his lethargy shackling him to the bed, he made a reach for the bottle, popping off the cap and peering inside.

A glass of water sat on his bedside table, bubbles sticking to the water-covered walls as a result of disuse.

Yoongi counted the pills, assuming that the amount he was left with would be enough.

At this point, he figured that if he was to find no rest in life, he would surely find it in whatever lay beyond his broken, mortal body.

In these last moments, Yoongi granted himself his last comfort.

He brought his laptop beside him and searched his favourite artist on YouTube.

He only had a few artists in his arsenal that he could dispense at family dinners or reunions he’d been invited to.

he never was an adept conversationalist: even at friends’ parties where a guest he didn’t know would be obligated to talk to him on account of appeasing the birthday girl or boy.

For a second, Yoongi faltered.

His mind backtracked to the joy he’d felt with his friends, and in turn the joy he had granted them.

Was he really going through with this...?

A stab of doubt was all it would take to make Yoongi withdraw from his initial intentions, and he cut the tie with said doubt immediately, pushing his friends to the back of his mind.

He was exhausted - tired of helping and appealing to others; now it was time to take care of himself.

From the tiny speaker in his laptop came the sound of solace: his favourite track from his idol.

He lay back, pill bottle and water placed on his bedside table as he basked in his last melody.

Through the duration of the song, Yoongi’s unease had worn away - eroded by the tides of his own resolution.

The song eventually clambered to a fading finish. Yoongi knew what came next.

He sat up and tipped the contents of the bottle onto the table, a hill of oddly-coloured tablets forming.

He threw the bottle somewhere behind him, hearing it land in a hidden corner of the room.

Pale hands scooped the pills up like candy, bringing them to Yoongi’s lips.

And like a saving grace emerging through a storm, a miracle unfolded.

A soft sound played beside him; the sound of angel wings and promises of a better future.

Yoongi didn’t so much as falter as he did pause, lending his ear to the tune.

It played notes from an instrument Yoongi didn’t even think existed - a soft twinkling stalked by a voice he had yet to have heard on his musical voyages through Soundcloud and YouTube.

For a second - just a second - the doubt that had made such a ruckus to enter had now slithered through the back door of Yoongi’s mind.

What was this music?

Reluctant, he lowered his hand to his side, though held tightly on to the pills.

Turning the screen to face him, he came face-to-face with someone other than his idol.

Her eyes looked a soft shade of (e/c) in the no-doubt filtered lighting of the video, though the sincerity she held within them was far from fabricated.

The background was crystalline - faux crystal props - oversized and oversaturated. They were littered around the studio in which the woman sang, and beneath a purple hue she sat on a stool, an air of comfort radiating from her.

As to what she was singing, Yoongi had no idea.

He let the music play for a moment, considering his options.

What harm would it do him to listen to something new? It wasn’t as if he’d be able to after he was gone, anyway.

Lying back down, Yoongi stared at the ceiling, the lack of light or patterns making it easier for him to focus solely on the music.

His fatigue embraced him like a long-lost mother, shrouding him in a warmth unmatched by that of any real person.

The singer’s soft humming filled the desolate room. And if Yoongi wasn’t mistaken, he could feel his eyelids growing heavy.

He forced a bitter smile, doubtful that his mind would actually allow him any such solace as sleep.

To humour his weary self one last time, Yoongi shut his eyes, sighing deeply and sinking into the mattress.

The next time Yoongi opened his eyes, his room was still dark. And as if it had never left to begin with, his bitter smile returned.

I knew it, he thought. Though the victory of beating his already hell-level expectations filled his overflowing spirit with grief, disguised and diluted by the anger that had slipped into the mix so long ago.

Sitting up, Yoongi lent his ear to the room once more.

He could hear the soft hum of the woman’s song no longer, and it was in this second that he realised he didn’t remember actually hearing the song end.

It was on one minute, and off the next.

Suspicious, Yoongi glanced at his half-lidded laptop, faced with a blackened screen as the device had switched itself off.

With a push of the power button, the power returned, and in a blast of light the screen sprung to life.

Through the tips of his fringe, Yoongi checked the time.

11:15 AM.

He recoiled.

That couldn’t be right - surely.

Logging in, he noted how his battery was running low, despite having been fully charged before he lay down.

The screen gave way to the last application he’s been using, and clear as day the same starry-eyed woman with the voice of velvet was on-screen, though the video she was in had long since ended.

Yoongi checked the time again, pulling his fringe back so as not to trick himself a second time.

11:16 stared back at him, steadfast and unwavering in its absolution.

Yoongi’s eyebrows raised in a sense of alarm.

He rose from the bed, tearing his curtains open.

A cityscape greeted him, and the sun waved from its fixture in the sky. It was daytime.

Yoongi stumbled back, carding a hand through his hair.

There was absolutely no way he’d-

...Had he actually managed to get to sleep?

Yoongi checked his phone, watch, and alarm clock; no-one dared deceive him of date nor time.

He was willing (and already considering) to accept the idea that he’d time-traveled; the concept of having a decent night’s sleep was as foreign as a language to him.

Nevertheless, he hadn’t the time to dawdle in such a concept, though he made absolute certain to when he was at work.

His colleagues seemed to notice a change in Yoongi’s behaviour.

Though he was often dazed into bouts of silence by his exhaustion, this quietude was new. Different.

A few co-workers commented on how he looked much livelier. And more alive, he felt.

In spite of this, the constant what-ifs of the morning had followed him - clung to him like a cologne.

What if...what if he was actually dead?

He considered this, deciding against his theory.

If he was dead and this was indeed Heaven, he should be receiving a lot more good fortune for all the shit he had to deal with in his life.

No, this was neither Hesven nor Hell. Or Purgatory.

Yoongi also considered that he was in a coma, but that didn’t add up, either.

He tested to see if he was comatose. Nothing.

He was still trapped in his same-old reality. But at least he could think clearly now.

By the time he got home, his body yearned for the sweet release of music, and he sought the comfort of his favourite artist - as he usually did on days as long as this.

Shoving his bedroom door open, he grumbled at the brightness the room held for a change.

He’d forgotten to shut his curtains before he left.

In the dwindling light of the afternoon sun, he saw the pills scattered across his duvet, the sole remnants of his almost-actions.

He cringed, forcing them to the back of his mind.

He could acknowledge the gravity of his decision later. Right now, his head was filled with the phantom melodies longing for a vessel.

Yoongi has attained the good sense to charge his laptop, and as he switched it on, he was greeted with the same lady who had pulled him to sleep the night before.

Or, Yoongi supposed, who had just happened to be playing on the night he was finally able to sleep without the nightmare scaring him awake.

Such wonderment remained at the back of his mind as he went about his business.

Through his own music, the whisper of the lady’s tune plagued him. So much so that, after a good three hours of composing, Yoongi found himself eyeing the tab he’d left open from before.

Having returned home from work later, his body was weighted with the day’s contrivances and stresses, as well as its successes and joys.

Emotionally, Yoongi had given all he had to offer, which, if he was to admit it to himself, was far more than he usually did.

He considered that it was more than likely it wasn’t just the song that had sent him to sleep.

On the contrary, he believed that a multitude of factors had to have been at play in such a miracle.

He wished to replicate the conditions of the night before: he kept his room dark and a glass of water on his bedside. He packed his pills away and placed them on his bedside, too, taking care not to lose any in case their service was required again.

He set the woman’s song up, lying in bed and playing it.

The creeping horror of the notion of never obtaining such a quality of sleep again was the only odd variable in this equation, and though it quietly consumed Yoongi’s thoughts, the hum of the song muffled it.

The song was no longer than 4 minutes, though the eternity that stretched between Yoongi and his voyage to the fabled land of dreams made it impossible to tell how long it had been.

He was not yet familiar enough with the song to place a time on the segment he was experiencing.

His concerns faded as he simply let himself be.

If it works, it works, he told himself.

The next thing Yoongi remembered was hearing a bird chirping nearby his window.

He cracked an eye open.

Much like the night before, his room remained in a state of quiet disarray, though only noticeable to the trained eye.

His laptop lay near his side, screen dark and lifeless.

Yoongi checked through a crack in the curtains. And sure as anything, the sun had risen once again.

Over the next couple of weeks, Yoongi researched the song, its creator, and whether it was really the secret to staving off his insomnia.

He had discovered that the creator’s name was (Y/N) - a popular artist who had fans far and wide, as well as domestically.

He found more of her particular songs - the ones that she hummed.

He tested both the original and these humming bird songs (as he called them), and to his delight, the humming birds worked.

Yoongi would go to sleep and wake up at reasonable times, rather than the odd dips in and out of consciousness he would try to induce on his own terms.

It was just your music that soothed him so, and from the day he uncovered this, he vowed to be your loyal follower.

Though, with any influential fan can blossom obsession, and as Yoongi became ever more eneamoured with your gossamer vocals, he feared the day that your songs would no longer support his sleep.

Or, God forbid, you stopped singing.

He often fretted over such a premature worry, though he couldn’t deny how it had all but devoured his thoughts.

Months into his expedition into your music, he decided to finally take action to ensure that your voice would never die - never fade with age, accident or abuse.

No, he would preserve it like the fine wine he had failed to so many years ago - to be sipped and savoured for eternities to come.

Sasaeng Masterlist

#yandere bts #bts #yandere bts x reader #bts x reader #Yoongi #min yoongi #suga #yandere yoongi #yandere yoongi x reader

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transsexualhamlet · 3 years

Text

asmr i psychoanalyze my favorite war criminal, aka calling out norman the essay

basically all of my thoughts on norman on one callout post because i care him (both manga and anime are discussed)

LINK TO RAY PSYCHOANALYSIS: https://chaoticgaymess.tumblr.com/post/646749875570196480/ray-81194-the-long-explanation

this is going to be ungodly long so here’s a keep reading, essay below the cut

((tw for suicidal ideation and self harm, brief discussion of eating disorders))

Disclaimer: no shipping is included here this is just about norman also they’re kids who call each other siblings

Thoughts: So you may be thinking, Rowan, why do you yell about the colorless war criminal so often? Well the answer lies in your honor the court hates to see a girlboss winning. Norman is a girlboss :) Yes norman is a tiny twink who can't lift a milk jug. And he is a girlboss :) Obviously I don't condone, um, eugenics and all, but that's not the point the point is that he satisfies my need for more characters like Levi motherfucking Calder from Unwind because I’m apparently an edgy 13 year old. Also all of his problems are violently things I can fix and I keep him around as a pet project because someone needs to give him a hug and slap him on the face

I diagnose him with things:

-pisces man :pensive:

-is he albino? Not literally. Is his skin so pale he would catch fire if he went outside at noon? Yes.

-autism: Yes I’m aware that calling him autistic makes him, problematic rep by perpetuating the autism unfeeling savant stereotype whatever but have you considered i’m autistic and I’m projecting also he’s L with standards? Anyway traits of AuTism he has: hyper fixation, canonically breaks and fixes things over and over because like ofc he does, doesn’t understand Emotion, hyperaware of body language at the same time as it all somehow flying over his head, low empathy, sensory experiences™, min maxed in certain areas, and I don’t think he’s got social interaction quite right? There’s something off about it

-gifted kid (derogatory) This is self explanatory but basically him being the smartest and the best in a competitive environment caused most of his issues, such as the perfectionism, the need to succeed, the lack of self esteem and ridiculously high expectations on himself, giving himself no breaks or time to relax, the “i must be productive with every second of my day or i will die” deal, the “peaked at 11” thing, the way in which he goes through life like there’s going to be a fucking test on it

-Eldest Daughter™ lmao. Norman’s always had to be mature, he’s always had to be the best, he’s always had to do the things Ray got out of bc he’s a snitch and Emma got out of because Isabella likes her. Norman gets respect from Isabella only if he excels, and her bar for him is astronomical. He doesn’t have the Mommy Issues that Ray has, but it’s because for him Isabella basically just reflected his expectations on himself, whereas with Ray it was more personal.

-low empathy (part of the autism thing): this one needs more explanation, but it’s not a bad thing in and of itself. Cognitive empathy is a thing and he can use it, but he does not instinctively understand other people’s emotions, or even recognize them properly, especially when the person is not like himself. This is obvious in Emma. Man has no fucking clue what’s going on in her head or why she does what she does, but he can predict what she will do in any given situation very well. He could understand the suicide attempt from ray he predicted more because Ray’s an easier equation to solve, and someone who’s more similar to him. I know he gets it because, well, motherfucker’s just as self desctructive as him, just in a more dignified manner.

-he’s got some sort of chronic illness. This is also me projecting and a headcanon but he’s got something going on, even before lambda pumped him full of growth hormones or whatever which they maybe should have Not Done but oh well. (I assume this just didn’t happen in the anime, since he’s still so fucking short) But he's So weak. He passed out when it was too hot. He passed out when it was too cold. He can’t open a pickle jar. His skin is too pale and he’s skinny af. He’s much more prone to sickness and probably has asthma too? But in the case that he did actually have something going on, I don’t think grace field would see the need to treat it, if it didn’t impact the quality of his meat? Isabella’s probably just “you have chronic pain and you get migraines? Great, take some tylenol and do some calculus.” Can’t say that probably helped anything.

personality type: ISTJ

Basically, he’s the most boring personality type to exist, and personally as an enfp i do not respect him. But basically this means he’s a fucking nerd that gets his projects done for school the day they’re assigned, is probably the president of the Anime Student Council™, and could probably get away with premeditated murder (ok actual istjs this is a joke don’t skin me)

The only trait that norman doesn’t have on the istj thing is telling the truth. Yeah, he values the truth, but like, that doesn’t apply to him, clearly. Bitch is a notorious liar.

The only other personality type he has any similarity with is intj, which is the same except it’s more rare and a purple theme instead of a blue theme. Sadly, that’s not him though, because although he can care more about some kinds of philosophy overall this isn’t the case and ray already occupies this personality type tbh.

strengths and weaknesses: This one’s kind of obvious, but he is aside from the crazy insane intelligence good at planning. Extremely good at planning. He can predict any outcome and figure out how to prevent it, using all his resources. For example he’s physically weak and someone could literally just walk up and stab him, but it doesn’t impede his progress on his goals because he’s surrounded himself with strong, mentally inferior people who would die for him in a heartbeat. He never gets stuck in some “everything is shit and i can’t do anything” deal like Emma and Ray do, he always works through it and has confidence in his abilities (in as much as he will solve the problem or die™. Weaknesses other than his twink body include his Low Wisdom score. It’s funny how he’s often associated with an owl, the mans is 14. He thinks he knows what he’s doing. He doesn’t. Plus obviously his fundamental misunderstanding of so much of everything going on around him, the fact that he lies not just to the world but himself, his refusal to take care of himself and his incredible cowardice. His achilles heel is being forced to, actually confront his actions.

what he likes about himself: He does pride himself on his mental abilities, and his judgement, which in his opinion is the only correct opinion and the only correct way. In the past, he likes being seen as a leader, he likes being responsible for other people. He likes his ability to manipulate and lie, because he sees it as an asset, and I honestly think he enjoys being william minerva more than he enjoys being Norman. He prides himself on his unhealthy expectations and the fact that he is able to meet them. Honestly, he does think he’s better than everyone else, mentally, though it’s humbled by his self hatred. Cursed thought: If Norman had self esteem he would be light yagami.

what he doesn’t like about himself/insecurities: Oh god, nearly everything. His appearance, his status, his superiority, his physical inability, his own mess of a mind, also have I mentioned his appearance. He’s obsessed with self control. He wants everything he sees wrong with himself gone. And I understand why having control of everything is necessary and appealing, everything for him has always been rigid and planned out from moment one, he was even more regulated in lambda, and though he desperately wants to Not Be Food, he has no idea what to do with the chains now that he’s broken out of them. So he just wraps them around himself. Regulates to an unhealthy degree when he sleeps, what he eats, when he actually takes even minimal care of his own problems, what he looks like, how much of himself he lets show, the expressions on his face, the literal thoughts inside his own head he will shut down if they are not Correct. It’s literal self harm. Norman, please stop it.

motivations/goals in life/general philosophy: To be honest, I’m not sure he knows what he wants. He sure thinks he does, he could sure give you a memorized answer, but it means nothing. He wants to excel. He wants Emma to be happy. He wants to be perfect and for that to make everything perfect. But he doesn’t realize everything he’s working towards will do pretty much the opposite of that. He’s a crippling perfectionist, and pretty much everything he does is motivated by his fear of failing. He picks the certain path, he doesn’t wait for anyone else, he doesn’t care if it’s not nice. Emma foils that a most of the time because he cares about her, but it can only go so far, especially after he’s had so much time without her to develop a Complex. His philosophy is very contradictory, basically the tokyo ghoul “everything bad that happens to you stems from a lack of ability”. All of his problems are his fault. All the world’s problems are his to fix. If he can’t fix them, it’s his fault, it’s because he wasn’t strong enough, and not being perfect condemns someone forever, including himself.

how he’s perceived by others vs how he actually is: In most people there wouldn’t truly be much of a difference, but with Norman things are different, because, well, most of his personality in grace field is a put on, as well as the tough guy dictator thing he radiates after lambda. How he appears to someone is determined by the context of their meeting- the kids at grace field see him as a nerdy, weakish, pretty boring kid who is really caring and kind. The researchers at lambda see an obedient, beaten down and perfectionistic boy. The lambda kids see him as an infallible leader, ruthless and genius, a good man who knows what’s right. But in truth none of that is him. It’s a fucking chess game to him, putting on different faces, lying and pretending and treating everyone differently. In truth? He’s a fucking coward. He’s scared out of his mind and he’s tired and he can’t take pain, he’s obsessed with reaching some goal he deems is necessary that in the end is going to be his death because he doesn’t want to face the consequences of his actions. He’s taken on the role of someone evil, though deep down he’s not, he feels it’s easier to live that way because it strips him of his conscience.

interpersonal relationships: In general, Norman sees all relationships in a pretty dim light. He sees everyone as black and white, for the most part, and other people make no sense to him intuitively, he has to figure them out like a puzzle. He’s manipulative and not particularly kind, but he follows all societal expectations to a T, overly focused on his appearance and placing the person he’s interacting with into a Category™. So he can be truly kind, to people he feels deserve it, to people who he values and doesn’t see flaws in. He gets incredibly attached to people he loves, protective, though he often doesn’t take their own feelings on the matter into consideration, and he’s ruthless with anyone who he deems a bad person. With people he understands and relates to, though, things can be different. If he sees someone as like himself, he will drop all the social interaction police bullshit and cut to the chase of whatever he wants or needs from them, and he’s not very forgiving in any manner, if he thinks what someone did is actually bad.

Emma: Norman obviously cares a lot about Emma, and honestly views her as better than anyone else. He realizes her moral integrity and all of the things she has and he doesn’t, and admires it. Because of his black and white view, Emma is like an angel to him. She couldn’t do anything wrong if she tried. But he comes to treat her as something to be protected instead of respected, and although he realizes she wouldn’t like what he’s doing, he fundamentally cannot empathize with her and doesn’t try to understand her. Their personalities are very literally opposite. Norman really needs to fucking listen to her. And Emma needs to understand that Norman doesn’t have a single ounce of empathy and you really do need to spell it out for him. Emma can only convince him when she has logical reasons for her actions, which she, doesn’t often have. And Emma gave Norman too much slack, because she didn’t see past the surface, and Ray never wanted to warn her, even though he knew the dude was showing a bunch of red flags, because you know. It was kind of an unspoken deal between them. (on ray’s part)

Ray: His relationship with Ray is a lot more complicated than with Emma. He understands Ray, where he doesn’t understand Emma, and he can see right through anything Ray does. And this makes things really tense between them, because Ray doesn’t, take kindly to being psychoanalyzed. If someone perceives him he will deck them and Norman is just there silently perceiving him at all times when Emma doesn’t see it. They are both constantly in competition with each other, but they care about each other a lot, though it’s kind of in a derogatory way. They both recognize each other as fundamentally fucked up, and silently agree never to bring it up with Emma. They’re nice to each other when she’s around, but all pretenses disappear when she’s gone. Ray is always frustrated with Norman, because Norman’s never been intimidated by him, and though he tries his best not to be vulnerable around him, Norman can always see through it, whereas Ray can’t crack Norman’s fake fucking smile no matter what he does. Norman will always take Emma’s side, and doesn’t see Ray as a good person at all, but he still understands and can excuse him, he takes measures to be… worse than Ray, which is better in his mind, because it’s rational, and ‘not selfish’.

Isabella: She has always had ridiculously high expectations for Norman, and treats him kind of harshly compared to the others. Bitch has heat stroke and Isabella’s first question is a calculus problem instead of like, “are you ok”. She knows he doesn’t complain about anything ever and she doesn’t stop him from being Terrible to himself, because it makes her job easier. They want smart kids, not mentally adjusted kids. She does really care for all of them, but she basically overrides it, she gives them what they want, not what they need, lets them be exactly what they’re making themselves. Isabella is distant with Ray but gives him anything he wants, she’s close and super nice with Emma, but Norman is… it’s weird. Isabella is proud of him because he meets her astronomically high bar. But at the same time, Norman never really cared for her that much and has never pretended to. Once they discover The Thing, though, he has a revelation, and it doesn’t take him long to switch his entire perspective about her. He’s pretty much like. Oh. She’s like me. That explains it, time to treat her like I treat myself: fucking brutally. Passive aggressive as hell. The kind of energy the :) emoticon at the end of an email gives. He does like just go “yeah we should kill her” at one point, which. You know, ok. When he got shipped out it was hhhh really interesting because Isabella knew full well he knew he was walking to his death and Norman was like “are you Truly Happy?” and just went :) and she was like h u h and tried to get him to talk while they were walking there because she feels Bad about it and he just. Did not. He didn’t say a single word just kind of smiled menacingly at her and I think it was half a sort of rebellion and half because he viewed her as similar to himself and therefore felt no need to put up any front with her, no words were necessary for him to impart exactly how he felt about it

Lambda kids: His relationship with the lambda kids is weird and bittersweet. I think he really truly does care about them, they were in a similar situation to his and he wants them to get what they want. However it is not a healthy or beneficial relationship, they see him as a god and don’t realize that he’s killing himself to give them what they want, he’s basically adopted them when out of anyone norman’s the one that should least be in charge of kids. I think he’s honestly younger than them but I’m not sure if they even know. He acts like their fucking mom, and that’s from what he thinks mothers are like… like isabella?? Giving them what they want, not what they need, lying to them, showing a front, caring deeply for them but at the same time using them for his own ends. And it’s not helpful for him. He thinks he knows what they need, but what he’s doing is what they want. What they need is therapy,(and so does norman), and he doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with using them as weapons because they love him. It makes him feel good, to be seen as perfect, to have people who don’t know how weak he really is. But it’s only making him worse, and he’s enabling everything the lambda kids are doing wrong as well. They need like, Yuugo and Lucas. Some actual adults who are actually wise and have the ability and the knowledge to take care of them and understand their mental problems and maybe actually address them. And actually be nice to them. But um sadly.

what he’s doing wrong: It’s pretty obvious, but… Norman, you maybe *shouldn’t* commit genocide? You’re not helping emma, you’re not making anything better. You’re not helping the lambda kids, you’re enabling them. You’re not helping your friends from grace field, you’re ignoring what they want. You’re not helping the world, you’re eradicating an entire race from the face of the earth and murdering the poor for the crimes of the fucking 1%. You’re not being a martyr, you’re a selfish piece of shit liar you little coward, you just want an easy way out and you want to die on your bloody fucking hill instead of admitting you’re wrong. Grow up, cringe little man.

why he went wrong: I think most of the reason this happened was the way he was raised combined with the kind of person he is. Norman would have turned out fine, if there has been good adults in his life who actually cared about his well being. Instead he got people who just wanted to control him and make him what they needed, and family who largely didn’t realize there was anything wrong. Ray being an ass to him most of forever probably didn’t help but well, that’s just Ray. Even then, he would have managed alright if he escaped with the rest of the kids because he would never have been separated from the experiences that caused the rest of them to realize demons weren’t all evil. In lambda he didn’t have anyone supporting him or telling him when things went too far, so he fell into relying on himself alone, pushing himself further with absolutely no limits. All he saw was enemies and allies, and things got stratified. He never had a lucas or a yuugo or mujika when he would have needed it, instead he found children who wanted him to be in charge and a world that made it so he had to be. Everything was an echo chamber for his worst thoughts, so they just became more and more dominant.

what he needs: To put it simply, he needs Emma and Ray to cut to the chase and slap him across the face and make him take care of himself. He needs to be forced to see everything for what it really is- this edgy 14 year old committing atrocities to feel better about himself? He needs to be told that what he’s doing is irrational, because in reality, it is. There are better solutions that he’s ignoring, both to his own suffering and the demons, and the way he’s going now no one will truly be happy because of it, that there is no requirement that things be perfect and this bullshit doesn’t make him stronger. He needs someone responsible to take the fucking dagger out of his hands. He also needs someone to babysit him and make him go to bed at a reasonable time.

i describe his personality through songs on my spotify playlist for him:

-outrunning karma by alec benjamin: this one super applies because it calls him out for making shitty decisions, being manipulative and a liar, and having blood on his hands in a very calm and subdued manner, that he knows this is wrong and yet he chooses to keep running faster and faster towards destruction, that he means to escape it through death

-empty by boyinaband and jaiden: yes this is a song about anorexia yes it also applies to norman i’m not saying norman literally has an eating disorder (but honestly it wouldn’t be far out of character if he did) but metaphorically this applies to his method of ignoring his needs, both emotional and physical, in favor of seeming in control

-toxic thoughts by faith marie: this one speaks to his gifted kid trauma. Man’s got perfectionism running his entire soul. He’s terrified of failing, because he’s always been at the very top, he’ll beat himself up over any miniscule mistake and forces himself to keep at bad habits that keep him Productive, but he won’t ask for help no matter how much he’s suffering because that would be failing, he fights with his mind, this song basically tells him “yeah i feel you but you need to stop that”

-no time to die by billie eilish: ignore the romantic overtones but this is emma and norman, emma who trusted norman and was lied to, betrayed, for norman’s greater good, and norman who refuses to feel or hurt because of it, who refuses to apologize or see himself as wrong, pushes forward because he’s going to Pass Away

-achilles come down by gang of youths: hhhhh it's like. His vibe. Obviously you can disregard the lifestyle specific shit but it's. It's achilles come down you have to understand it’s like the same deal as friend, please just like french and longer

-friend, please by 21 pilots: i feel like i don't have to explain this one but it’s more to the manga (not the anime where he kind of figures out he done did wrong by himself instead of committing unforgivable sins and still going yeah this is valid before emma is like holy fuck). He is like sorry emma I cannot fix anything I’m going to die :) *coughs blood* and emma going like stop it stop it stop it fuck you see you fucked up and i forgive you just stop don’t walk away while he’s like “no<3”

why im a repressed little norman kinnie even tho he’s my exact opposite: I don’t generally kin ppl like norman, honestly he’s an infj I have no clue how it happened but I’m pretty sure it’s because of my intense desire to project onto a little man who cannot lift a milk jug and has chronic pain and decides you know what I AM tired of being nice i DO wanna go apeshit. Also he’s a twink. A little bastard. He’s a terrible person and I go mood every time he does anything. I said mood when he fell out of a tree. Don’t know what this says about me, I swear I wouldn’t commit no genocide. He’s like the inverse of Yoichi Saotome, and somehow i kin him too. Damn.

Miscellaneous headcanons:

-man’s SO attached to his william minerva cloak. He’s a wispy little bitch, you know he’s wearing that thing inside the house, he’s fucking cold. It also makes him Look Important he can retreat into it like an emo middle schooler with an oversized sweatshirt

-although you could probably get Mad street cred from having two whole brands you know he’s not gonna whip it out and show off his lambda thing he’s incredibly self conscious and his chest hasn’t seen the sun in years

-norman’s got MAD laundry skills to be able to wear like, all white all the time while constantly murdering people. I think he’s the only one who knows to do the laundry. And Ray is the only one who knows how to cook.

-but even then there’s gotta still be a few questionable stains on that thing, but if anyone asks he’s like “ketchup” “I’ve literally never seen you eat anything with that much color” “ketchup :)” *coughs blood*

-he’s probably thought “well i have not literally coughed blood yet today so I am not legally obligated to take care of myself”

-He probably adopted much of his current personality from taking on the persona of william minerva. I’m calling him out for being like me, he’s a blank motherfucker, he absorbs personality traits from characters he plays! He’s just not in theatre so it’s a bit more intense!

-the first time he sees barbara Eating Demon Meat he kinda stares and goes oh cool! not for me and violently exits the room. Like it's hilarious bc he thinks that's really gross on a moral level though he understands why she would do it

-Which is even funnier bc I’m not sure about the canon on this but there was That Chapter Cover that one time that kinda seemed to imply norman eating demon meat which i absolutely latched onto because I’m terrible. He was just politely eating it. With a knife and fork like why dude. As to a possible reason for him doing that I can come up with, of course barbara does it out of spite, but man we don’t know the properties, if it had some sort of painkilling aspect to it or it was like, caffeine, you know he would, but he would Definitely not talk about it

-I kinda disagree with what the anime did in episode eight? It was good I liked it and the imagery was fantastic but also have you considered Norman could not kill someone with his own hands if he tried, or even physically injure them? That’s what his minions are for shawty. That doesn’t make it any less bad, of course, but the manga captured it perfectly by the fact of he carries around a dagger and a scepter in the capitol battle, but he never even raises it out of more than intimidation. He walks through calmly like he’s not scared at all but he makes sure all the lambda kids do all the actual murder, he just stands there impartially, clearly The Mastermind, as the kids fucking murder the queen of the demons. And I think that’s more profound because he’s, a coward. And he doesn’t realize being the one who orders the strike makes you just as responsible as the one who sticks the knife in someone. The knife is just there to Compensate™ for the fact that he weighs like eighty pounds.

-he’s more of like lady macbeth (because he’s a girlboss) than macbeth himself. He has blood on his hands, but it’s the kind of blood that you can’t wash off. He never killed anyone himself, and he cannot admit he never would have been able to.

-the last thing is that there are definitely epic things about the anime, episode 8 was my favorite so far, goddamn that imagery and the bitch walking through the city while it burns down with the screaming asmr going on behind him my god. We stan. But like the downside of, letting Emma and Ray get to him before he commits first degree murder makes the whole thing lose a lot of his value. In the manga (oh my god look at me being a pretentious manga fan please) it fit more of his ideas- he never backed down, and he planned for Emma coming and trying to stop him. Of course he wanted Emma to stop him, he wanted it with all his fucking heart he was pleading for it to happen but the man wouldn’t give himself what he wanted if he was held at gunpoint. He knew she’d come and he made absolutely sure she wouldn’t be able to stop him. So when she came and he said “you’re too late”??? It kind of said it all, in the fact that he was disappointed that he got his way. He still thought he did the right thing, but deep down there where he shoved all his thoughts and feelings he desperately wanted to be saved from himself.

So yeah, those are my thoughts. Feel free to eviscerate me if these are not Correct he is just my favorite girlboss who I feel the need to yell at

#tpn #the promised neverland #yakusoku no neverland #tpn norman #norman tpn #essay post #god why do i do this to myself #dear god help me this is 5000 words #rowan's hyperfixation essays

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pharahsgf · 3 years

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i was reading a fic that was pretty good but it had jyl and jc find out about the core transfer and that's always such a gamble. like it's so popular to have jyl go girlboss over her lack of agency...at wwx, who is horrifically traumatized and literally not in control of his mental faculties, not to mention is selfless to a painfully unhealthy degree. like the fic i just read had her getting angry that wwx "sent her away" to do the core transfer and how victimized both she and jc were by wwx's choice. ironically, the essential core of the argument that jc (and jyl? ig?) is a victim of the core transfer not only relies on the idea that jc was healed (like literally HEALED) without his consent but that it's only so bad because he accepted it without knowing the pain wwx would go through to pull it off. you'd think then that people wouldn't try to ignore the pain wwx went through, the huge cost he paid, but they do. the whole point of this rose tinted view of jc's anger about the core transfer is that he supposedly cares that wwx suffered in his place. without even getting INTO how like, demonstrably false that is; somehow this means that jc actually suffered More and somehow has this right to act like a fool, where wwx is a demon for having understandable trauma responses that never ever intentionally/maliciously hurt his loved ones (unlike jc who copes BY hurting people on purpose). tbh i don't get why it's popular now to pretend like it's revolutionary to have the mentally ill characters get berated for their self destructive behavior by other characters instead of being treated with empathy. and what's with this trend of other characters getting so smug and dismissive about another character confronting their issues or getting treatment like "oh you finally got your shit together?" or getting mad that a character is "wallowing in self pity" like the stigma against mentally ill and disordered people is so present despite it also being romanticized in the worst ways.

cut for length!

i think one thing people miss when trying to justify jiang cheng's anger over the core transfer is that jiang cheng wasn't... actually angry about the core transfer? his outrage was explicitly tied to the idea that wei wuxian managed to justify the behaviour / pay off the debts jiang cheng spent years hatefully obsessing over. he never says how dare you do this to me, i didn't want this, i never wanted you to do this; he says why can't i hate you, do you think this is enough to repay me, etc etc. he's angry not because wei wuxian harmed him, but because wei wuxian helped him. wei wuxian has retroactively invalidated the reason jiang cheng has been stewing in anger and hunting people down for years, and he can't deal with it. that's the source of his turmoil.

as a result, in a scenario where jiang yanli and jiang cheng figure it out before wei wuxian even dies... neither of them has a reason to consider it a bad thing. like at all. you could take the 'i can't believe wei wuxian would do this to himself!' route but jiang cheng... honestly doesn't seem to care much about wei wuxian's suffering, and while jiang yanli would be horrified she'd know to approach it with compassion instead of frustration. if anything, she'd be frustrated with herself for not noticing what he was up to.

imo most fic where jiang yanli blames wei wuxian for the core transfer reads like the author is using her as a mouthpiece to validate their own interpretation, or just assumes that because jiang yanli is Perfect and Sensible she must share the Perfect and Sensible opinion that jiang cheng is a victim of Getting Exactly What He Asked For... But Non-Consensually! because lbr there is no way jiang yanli would view self-sacrifice as a negative, given that the one thing she did with agency is. you know. sacrifice herself. for someone who she must've known would struggle with it, but who she loved too much to let die.

i wholly agree w you about the trend of characters displaying self-destructive behaviour being met with the least compassion possible. omg. this is so clear with wei wuxian too; he goes through insane levels of trauma, most of which has lasting mental or physical consequences, for the sake of justice or saving his loved ones, yet fans rankle at the thought of treating him with any empathy and instead punish him even further by having other characters hate him for daring to help them. how is that going to do anything but make him more miserable? why are we abandoning kindness?

#replies #anonymous #ofc lwj is always kind & patient towards wwx but even then it's usually framed as indulgence #rather than him. giving a shit about his husband

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jess-rewatches-prodigalson · 3 years

Text

Bad Manners (S2, E5)

My time-stamped thoughts for this episode. As always I reference Malcolm’s mental health. A lot. So if that’s going to be a trigger for you, don’t keep reading.

SPOILERS AHEAD:

0:35 - Martin totally thought John Watkins abducted and killed Ainsley. Mark my words.

0:44 - Holy. Shit. Ainsley is FIVE years old (or younger) here right? A five year old with that much determination?!?! She literally stayed silent in that clock for probably hours......and no one was concerned about this kid when Martin was arrested because...?

1:09 - Anyone else impressed with Malcolm’s aim here? Just me?

1:20 - Gil and Malcolm talking about sleep and murder is so freaking sweet. <3 Honestly, they’re acting like friends instead of co-workers and it warms my cold dead heart.

1:29 - Does Gil become a grumpy old man when he doesn’t get 8 hours sleep? I really want to know now.

1:39 - OMG. Gil pointing at Ainsley here is hilarious. He’s totally acting like some weird mix of a stern pissed off high-school teacher, and a step-dad trying to discipline an unruly teen. hahaha AND MALCOLM’S FACE. Look how done Malcolm is. He looks so so tired, sad, and exasperated.

1:44 - Wow. Girl power. Ainsley has those camera guys bending to her will. I honestly would’ve thought they would just read the situation and turn the camera off themselves.

1:47 - “It’s not a game.” Yikes. I have thoughts about this:

Malcolm is right - it’s not a game.

Malcolm is a bit of a hypocrite for saying that to Ainsley. Although, to his credit even when Malcolm is excited/inappropriately happy about murder it’s always pretty clear that he thinks murder is wrong, and that he has sympathy for the victims and their families.

Ainsley does not have that same sympathy for the victims. That much is clear later in this episode.

Pretty sure the writers are trying to turn Ainsley into a serial killer this season.

2:13 - “You know I like to share these things with my friends.” .....does this mean Malcolm thinks Dani and JT are his friends now? Last I checked (Ep 1x05) Malcolm didn’t have friends. This absolutely melts my heart. <3 I’m honestly so happy that Malcolm considers someone other than Gil to be his friend.

2:18 - “We lost Dani to vice.” .....What is vice? AND WHAT IS THE REAL LIFE REASON THAT DANI WASN’T IN THIS EPISODE?!?

2:19 - Edrisa has a medical degree right? She has to know how dangerous consuming that much caffeine is right? Plus aren’t energy drinks super dangerous if you drink a lot of them (or maybe that’s just what adults in my neighbourhood told kids)?

2:30 - Edrisa SHINES in this episode. She’s so funny and awkward and I just love her.

2:36 - hahaha Gil has adopted the whole team. Look at him throwing the “Dad warning stare” at Edrisa.

3:31 - Why does Edrisa start bouncing around looking upset when Malcolm says, “rejection is a powerful motivator”?!?! Has she recently been broken up with or something? Is this a reference to how she has a crush on Malcolm (who doesn’t reciprocate)? I WANT MORE INFORMATION.

3:47 - TWIZZLERS!!! <3 Damn I love how this tiny detail about Malcolm’s character keeps coming up.

3:55 - Ainsley is on a rampage this episode. She’s so determined ...actually she’s acting a lot like Jessica (think girl in the box bracelet). However, unlike Jessica, Ainsley’s motives aren’t about justice or the safety of her loved ones. Ainsley is chasing personal gain (career) with a side of (a subconscious?) need to be exposed to murder and her father’s twisted world.

4:05 - This whole interaction between Ainsley and Malcolm is really interesting. Ainsley is knowingly manipulating Malcolm to get the answers she wants. We’ve seen her do it in 2x4 and 1x19. She knows her big brother would do anything for her. It makes sense, they’re five years apart and after the trauma they experienced as children Malcolm felt responsible to protect Ainsley. He never wants to disappoint Ainsley. Not a burden he should’ve had to deal with but I digress. PLUS Malcolm looks weary of Ainsley here. He knows what she’s doing. He’s scared that she’s turning to the dark side. But he still gives her the answers because if he doesn’t - that means something has changed. He thinks that would make Ainsley suspicious and then she might remember what happened to Endicott. He’s scared of and for Ainsley.

4:32 - OKAY. I’ll say it. The thing that annoys me the most about this episode is that it suggests that Ainsley was a debutant when in 1x6 AINSLEY TELLS MARTIN SHE WAS NEVER A DEBUTANT. She went to etiquette school - I guess that doesn’t strictly mean she also did debutant balls but it sort of suggests it in the context of this episode? Did she actually graduate from the etiquette school (there was bullying, maybe she was expelled/dropped out similar to Malcolm and Remington?)?

4:59 - “No stabbies” OMG. How is this show not classified as a comedy?!? Istg I laugh harder watching this ‘drama’ then I do watching most of the shows that call themselves ‘comedies’.

5:35 - It’s honestly kind of amazing that Ainsley and Malcolm are as ‘sane’ as they are. They were raised by a stubborn predatory psychopath and a stubborn rich meddling socialite. They had no chance of normalcy. Look at the amount of pleasure Martin is currently getting by throwing his son under the bus with regards to Jessica.

5:45 - “No actually, I cleaned it up.”.....does this have a dual meaning? Did Martin do something to make Malcolm dispose of the body? We already know that Martin has tried some sort of conditioning on Malcolm (remember ‘C’mon boy!’ from 1x14? The stabbing?). What if Martin said some sort of trigger word to control Malcolm and coerced Malcolm into getting rid of the body? What if this isn’t the first time?

6:05 - Ainsley is a sociopath. I’m calling it again. I called it when I first watched Q&A (1x7) because the way she treated Malcolm was more than just selfish/careless. It was cruel and she didn’t feel any remorse for literally broadcasting her brother’s private health details on television. That is messed up. I honestly won’t be shocked if the writers make Ainsley a full blown serial killers (although I’m not sure I want that because I don’t know how Malcolm would remain the main character if the story goes in that direction?).

6:12 - Poor Jessica. I honestly feel really bad for her. Sure, she’s a headstrong alcohol dependant crazy rich woman. She also has a good heart. She’s been dealt a pretty shitty hand when it comes to relationships (minus Gil but she ruined that because she’s a MORON) and now she’s terrified that her own children have become monsters and she blames herself. She definitely hasn’t been a perfect mother but I don’t think she’s to blame for Ainsley and Malcolm’s obsession with murder. If these kids had a different bio dad, they would probably just have a low-key drug problem or some other common rich kid baggage.

6:15 - “You know that’s not how cancer works right?” LOL. hahahaha

6:33 - Martin kind of has a point. There’s no rehab for murder. That’s why he’s been in jail for 20 years and he still wants to kill people. In my opinion, given what we’ve seen of Ainsley’s personality: as soon as she fully remembers that night - she’s gone. She’ll go full serial killer and Jessica and Malcolm will lose her forever.

6:40 - Jessica’s little jazz hand finger twinkle as she spins on her heel and leaves Martin kills me. It’s so extra. It’s so funny. And it’s sooo Jessica.

6:47 - Damn. Martin is pissed. I’m worried. That’s murder-level rage. If he escapes ISTG Martin is going to try and kill Gil. For so many reasons 1) because he hates Gil, 2) it’ll hurt Jessica, and 3) killing Gil will eliminate his ‘Dad’ competition.

6:54 - Edrisa on caffeine is AMAZING.

7:43 - I love Edrisa but her blatant, unreciprocated crush on Malcolm is honestly getting a little creepy.

7:52 - Gil spent all last season drinking out of a Yankee’s mug. Doesn’t that mean he’s a baseball fan? Why doesn’t he know this pitcher guy?

7:56 - hahahaa “Where is JT?” Because obviously JT is the team sports fan.

8:22 - Does Gil get nightmares about cases? He always seems really uncomfortable around the dead bodies.

8:45 - “And suddenly I’m wide awake” SERIOUSLY - is anyone else laughing every 60 seconds when they watch this show? Is my sense of humour just super dark and messed up?

8:54 - YES. The liquorice is BACK.

9:00 - I love Malcolm talking to JT about his obsession with candy. I love how Malcolm doesn’t even hesitate before giving JT an honest answer. Malcolm is acting like JT’s annoying little brother and I am here for it. One thing I did notice though - Malcolm specifically mentions candy+dopamine but doesn’t mention his depression/anxiety. Processed sugar can be a short-term (unhealthy) way to boost your mood. It’s why some people eat their feelings. I really want more backstory about Malcolm with the lollipops and licorice though.

9:19 - “But you didn’t do anything wrong.” Awwww Malcolm is so soft here. I love how much he genuinely cares about JT. <3 I love how JT is comfortable enough with Malcolm to give him an honest answer. <3 THEIR RELATIONSHIP HAS GONE THROUGH SUCH A GLOW UP. <3

9:32 - “Like toy dolls?” hahaha the way Malcolm perked up here. All I could think was “SQUIRREL!” hahaha.

9:41 - Malcolm is doing better than he has been the past few episodes? I mean he’s still suffering and he’s still in a terrible mental state. BUT he also seems happier? IDK maybe he’s just entered the more manic nervous energy stage of his emotions as opposed to the depressed and scared stage.

9:49 - “Deep childhood trauma”. So we’re looking for a debutant killer with childhood trauma who is chasing perfection? Debutant = rich lady culture. Like Ainsley. AND Ainsley went to the same etiquette school as the first two victims. The writer’s wanted us to assume the killer was Ainsley for the first 15 mins of this episode right? I’m not the only one seeing it?

10:04 - “My sister went there too.” ....why is there something super attractive about the way that line was delivered?

10:08 - I’m so done with this absolute tom foolery. Why does the team keep splitting up into two teams - where one team is JUST MALCOLM. The one who is unarmed and technically a civilian?!? This makes no logical sense to me (except for plot).

10:25 - Was Martin just about to say, “Just like the old days”?!? Is Martin referring to Endicott? OR is Martin referring to something that Malcolm’s repressed from his childhood?

10:30 - “I always root for the bad guys.” .....finally some truth from Martin.

10:40 - Soooooo I guess Mr. David doesn’t know? I promise you Mr. David has suspicions though. How could he not?!?!

11:24 - “It was brutal for Ains.” Look at how sad Malcolm is! Ugh. This hurts so much. He clearly loves his sister so so much and what she’s done is slowly killing him. I honestly think that part of the reason Malcolm helped Ainsley dispose of the body is that Malcolm doesn’t want to loose his sister. His sister is one of the only good things he’s always been able to count on. If word gets around that she’s a killer - Malcolm’s fragile world gets shattered a little more and I don’t know if Malcolm can recover mentally from that.

11:36 - “Teasing made her capable of...stuff.” C’MON. There’s no way Mr. David doesn’t know.

11:45 - Sooo is Martin saying that he recognized that Ainsley was a sociopath when she was a small child? Or did she just respond to his (or John Watkins’) grooming much ‘better’ than Malcolm?

11:56 - “Because she’s her mother’s” Okay. So I see the point. I can see that Ainsley is driven and stubborn like Jessica. BUT it feels like Martin is suggesting that Jessica is capable of murder? Which - I honestly don’t think she is. If anything - Malcolm is more like Jessica than Ainsley is.

11:59 - There was a look in Martin’s eyes when he was comparing Ainsley to Jessica that really freaked me out. I can’t figure out why. It makes me wonder if Martin still somehow views Jessica as ‘his possession’ (he refers to her as his wife all the time but I always assumed that was just to get a rise out of people?). Martin’s dream from 2x4 certainly suggests that he still wants Jessica romantically. I honestly think he’s going to try to escape and rekindle the romance with Jess; and it’s going to go very poorly when Jessica rejects him.

12:06 - Preach JT. Preach. This is creepy af.

13:00 - Ugh. Of course this creep has a history of indecent exposure. Now I understand why Gil and JT were hostile with the dude right from the start.

13:12 - Man. People will use the Bible to justify anything. No wonder people hate Christians ( I say this as a practicing Christian).

13:18 - JT is such a good dude. I’m so glad he’s a dad now. <3 He’s going to be such a good one. <3

13:26 - “One phone call and this place will be shut down.” OH SHIT. GIL THAT IS VICIOUS AND I RESPECT THE SHIT OUT OF IT.

13:35 - I soooo thought that dude was going to sprint out of that room.

14:30 - THIS. YES. This is why I have a problem with Ainsley’s enthusiasm for murder vs. Malcolm’s. Ainsley’s enthusiasm is centred on her nee to ‘get the story’. She’s obsessed with forwarding her career and as a result she’s treating crime like a competitive sport. Malcolm’s obsession (while it can border on creepy and reckless) is always centred on his need to find the killer and stop the murders. Malcolm is seeking justice and his heart is in the right place. I can’t say the same for Ainsley.

14:31 - “We’re brother and sister, everything is a competitive sport”.....whoever wrote this doesn’t have a sibling they experienced trauma with as a kid (and as a result was raised by a single parent). Seriously, my dad was abusive he lived with us until I was 10 and my brother was 7. Then my parents got divorced and my mom was a single parent (he didn’t pay child support or see his kids after the divorce). Are my brother and I competitive? Sure sometimes. But the way we grew up forced us to become partners. Annoyed with Mom? Let’s rant about it together. Is he struggling in math? I’ll tutor him in exchange for a Reese cup. Am I struggling at daycare because I have massive social anxiety? He’ll include me in whatever he’s doing so I’m not sitting alone in a corner. My point: siblings who experience trauma together don’t have the typical sibling relationships that are widely televised in North America. There’s a lot less fighting and competition and a lot more teaming up and commiserating.

14:39 - “It. It’s terrible.” - Notice how Ainsley didn’t actually say how it made her feel? She gave the standard “TV response” to a murder “a terrible/horrific/tragedy has occurred”. She doesn’t feel bad that these women are dead. She’s too consumed with getting a story to even stop and let herself feel anything. I’ve been saying it since last season - the way Ainsley shows no regard for other people and their feelings when she’s obsessed with her job is concerning.

14:50 - “Remind me of the people who cut us off after Dad’s arrest.” ...Are you kidding me?!? The whole fandom has been speculating about this since early season one and they’re not going to elaborate on that line?!? I’m going to need some more information about this and it better be in the upcoming episode where Jessica’s younger sister appears.

15:40 - She thinks of her students as family? Sooo what does she think of Ainsley? Wasn’t Ainsley bullied at this school? Did she do anything about it?

16:00 - this is like a ‘weekend/evening school’ right? Kids aren’t living in this house like a boarding school/summer camp?

16:01 - “Mr. Whitly” UGH. This bitch preaches etiquette and she doesn’t even have the common courtesy to call Malcolm by the name with which he introduced himself? Nah. I don’t like her.

16:13 - Ugh. Ainsley, seriously? Why don’t you help your brother solve the case. AND PREVENT MORE MURDERS. Why are you indirectly but purposely obstructing justice?

16:37 - “Of course.” Huh. Do you think Martin might try and manipulate Ainsley into killing Malcolm? Ainsley definitely capable of it. She doesn’t actually seem to care about Malcolm nearly as much as he cares about her.

17:17 - WTF?!? That’s creepy af. How did no one in this show think this assistant was a suspect? She has a super creepy doll that she ‘forgot’ on the floor the middle of a hallway. AND THE DOLL WAS STANDING UP. Not sitting, not dropped carelessly, STANDING UP.

17:30 - Look at Malcolm’s face. He’s definitely going to be having nightmares about that doll.

18:25 - OMG. This was amazing. JT just totally bulldozed his way into catching that dude. Very badass. Also kind of funny (maybe that’s just my messed up sense of humour again?).

18:44 - Ugh. This dude has a thing for dolls. I don’t want to kink shame but - no. no. There’s something really gross about that.

18:48 - I’ve seen some people say that this doll looks like Ainsley and how that’s supposed to be some sort of foreshadowing/symbolism. I kind of see it? I mean the hair colour is similar and if you pause the screen at 18:48 the angle kind of looks like Ainsley? It would be an interesting metaphor though - Ainsley played with dolls as a little girl. John Watkins gave her angel statues. She is Watkins’ and Martin’s doll’ in the sense that she was the object that murders manipulated/groomed.

18:53 - Then again, pause the screen here and there’s something about the facial structure that looks like Dani to me.

19:00 - Jessica lets Ainsley work in the murder office?!? No. No she doesn’t. This is garbage. Jessica would’ve forbade it. Jessica would’ve bordered up this room immediately after Watkins.

19:57 - Poor Jessica. She’s clearly terrified that she’s losing Ainsley and terrified of Ainsley. BUT Jess, sweetie, running to Europe won’t fix this.

20:16 - “She wanted the dolls to look like her students.” AND PEOPLE SEND THEIR CHILDREN TO HER?!? WTF?!? NO. NO. NO. NOT OKAY.

20:31 - HAHA look at Gil’s face when Trevor tells him he can make the ‘perfect woman’. Gil’s like WTF - can I arrest you for thinking you can fabricate a ‘perfect woman’?!!?

21:06 - Malcolm is having so much fun playing with Trevor’s doll head. Look at how excited he is. It’s kind of adorable but his manic energy is showing which is concerning.

21:10 - Why is Trevor giving his doll fancy 1940s(ish) names?

21:31 - Props to LDP. I honestly believed Gil was annoyed with Malcolm for barging in on the interrogation the first time I watched this.

21:42 - “They got a word for everything.” hahaha OMG. This is so reminiscent of a teenager explaining some new tech to their tech-illiterate parents.

22:00 - I can’t tell if Gil feels sorry for this creep or if he just thinks the dude is really gross. Probably a mixture.

23:00 - Oh we’re bringing up the chloroform again. At least Malcolm knows not listen to Martin about this nonsense.

23:25 - “It doesn’t feel fun.” - THIS. This is why I honestly don’t think Malcolm will ever become a serial killer. His guilt complex is just too big.

23:56 - Are. You. Kidding. Me? This is next level. Ainsley is so out of line here. AND SHE SHOWS NO REMORSE. SHE DOESN’T THINK SHE’S DONE ANYTHING WRONG. THIS GIRL HAS GONE DARK SIDE (she was already halfway there).

24:17 - I’m getting papa!Gil vibes when Gil is talking to Ainsley and I want more scenes of them interacting. Seriously, did Gil have a relationship with Ainsley when she was a kid? I MUST KNOW.

24:45 - Ainsley has no conscience. I honestly don’t think Ainsley has a conscience.

25:00 - “Who is that!?” Malcolm is totally acting like he’s Ainsley’s father-figure right now. I’m here for it.

25:22 - SORE LOSERS?!? I’m sorry. What? If you weren’t concerned about Ainsley you damn well should be now. That is seriously messed up. People are dead. This is not a game. Do you know who else thought murder was a game? Martin Whitly.

25:31 - Okay. Ainsley has a point. Malcolm lecturing anyone about being reckless is pretty hypocritical. But at least Malcolm cares about her.

25:54 - Heart. Shattered. Look at how terrified Jessica is. Look at how gentle and reassuring Gil is. UGh. WHY DID SHE BREAK UP WITH HIM??! I mean, I know why I just think she’s a moron for doing it.

26:00 - Poor Gil. He’s so confused and so concerned. The whole Whitly family is acting crazier then usual and he doesn’t know why.

26:11 - “Both you and Malcolm are at an 11 and I’ve never seen Ainsley like that.” FIND YOURSELF A MAN WHO CARES LIKE GIL AND NEVER LET HIM GO. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 Seriously. The love and concern he shows for this family warms my cold dead heart.

26:16 - “Her father?!” Oh shit. Now Gil knows there’s something BIG happening. Jessica would never run to Martin unless she absolutely had to.

26:19 - annnnd Gil’s also being a prideful man who’s feeling are hurt. “You went to him?” He’s right to be though - the woman he loves went to a serial killer for advice before going to the guy who practically co-parented with her.

26:33 - “I’m here. Whatever you need. I’m here.” <3 <3 Gil is the definition of a good man. <3 I’m in love with it.

26:48 - “You were right on time for me.” ....*snort* subtle Gil (and in front of JT!!)

27:08 - Edrisa is hysterical on caffeine. hahaha. This whole scene is perfect.

27:20 - You know someone is acting manic when Malcolm Bright is concerned about their eccentric behaviour.

27:34 - Annnnnd Tom Payne was a split second from breaking character here. I don’t blame him. hahaha

28:05 - EDRISA flipping and dropping that pencil. HAHAHAHAHAHA

29:10 - “Absolutely not.” hahaha this is funny but also really sweet. Malcolm knows that Edrisa hopped up on caffeine isn’t safe to have near an active killer. Who knows what’ll happen. I wish he’d care that much about his own well being. Looks like calling for backup last episode was a one time thing.

30:37 - I’ll give the writers one thing - Miss Windsor makes a convincing murder suspect.

31:22 - GIL. STANDING. UP. FOR. JT. IS. EVERYTHING. Where is O’Malley’s back up? Oh yeah, they’re not brave enough to defend him.

32:00 - Huh. Bright texted for backup. This is growth. I’m proud of him.

32:15 - YES. This JT arc was handled right. Sure JT could’ve complained. It would’ve been episodes upon episodes of bureaucratic nightmares and injustice. This show isn’t about racism. They showed enough to portray that the system is broken and they had JT act like a responsible adult. It’s not fair that JT had to go through this or that he’ll likely experience something similar to it again. But the fact that JT is acting like a bigger person is perfect. JT will protect his family. Always. That includes Malcolm. So JT avoids putting through a formal complaint because he knows that will take time away from doing his job, from protecting others, from hanging out with his wife and kid. JT’s taking the higher road, it might not be gratifying or fair but I respect the hell out of him for taking it.

32:28 - Gil is so so proud of JT. Look at him. <3 <3

33:40 - Look, Miss Windsor is a bit of a stuck up bitch but she has a good heart. Look at the way she immediately tells Malcolm where Ainsley is when she realizes what’s happening.

34:14 - This confused me during the first watch - Ainsley obviously didn’t drink any tea - so why is she drugged? (obviously I know now).

34:17 - Big brother Malcolm frantically looking for Ainsley is so so sweet. <3

35:42 - The music, the dolls, and Miss Windsor’s speech here. There’s something about this part of the episode that is strangely reminiscent of 5x16 of Criminal Minds.

36:20 - ......does Miss Windsor have some sort of mental illness? She’s talking to herself and ranting erratically. Is this just emotional stress or something deeper?

37:00 - This is why Malcolm’s not a serial killer. Even now- looking at a killer - he’s trying to sympathize with her. He’s trying to understand why. He’s trying to calm her down, diffuse the threat, and get her mental help.

39:00 - Oh yeah. Ainsley was definitely going to kill without remorse. Again. I’ve seen some theories that Ainsley only ever tries to kill to protect Malcolm. I disagree. I think Ainsley’s trying to protect herself. Ainsley is pissed off that this girl tried to drug her and kill her because she thinks Ainsley is wicked. Ainsley was pissed at Endicott for whatever he did to Ainsley before Malcolm got there. I think Ainsley felt threatened and scared so she reacted. I don’t think this has anything to do with protecting Malcolm.

39:41 - Malcolm isn’t a killer. Look. He smells gas but he takes the time to carry an unconscious murderer (who literally just tried to kill his sister) out of the building.

40:00 - The drama. Holy hell. What a weird ending to this case.

40:48 - Who gave Ainsley a police jacket and let her keep it?

41:14 - She almost died and she’s still obsessing over ‘winning’. This is seriously unstable behaviour. Way more concerning than anything Malcolm’s done since 2x1.

41:45 - “My father was a serial killer also.” Anyone else super irritated by that phrasing?!? Just me?!? Something about the ‘also’ feels super wrong to me.

41:53 - Oh sweetie. I’d argue that you are more messed up than Malcolm.

42:06 - Jessica went to see Martin twice in one episode. THIS IS BAD.

42:15 - “Maybe even more so than Malcolm if that’s possible.” Jessica knows her kids. I’m on her side here.

42:20 - Martin is way too happy about Ainsley showing signs of serial killing.

42:30 - Jessica? You married an act. That man never existed. He’s always been a serial killer. You just didn’t know it. He’s manipulative and you were a victim to it.

42:50 - “A partner.” OH THIS IS NOT GOING TO END WELL. ESPECIALLY FOR THE GIL/JESSICA ARC.

Okay....so definitely the weakest episode of the season so far. AND the fact that we got no mention of Tally and/or the baby this episode is a crime.

BUT I’M SO SO SO EXCITED FOR THE NEXT EPISODE. It’s going to be a televised fanfic and I can’t wait.

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johannas-motivational-insults · 4 years

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I’ve seen a lot of people saying things along the lines of ”portal!Catra just wants to be with Adora and doesn’t resent her so obviously Catra is uwu soft baby who just wants to be loved and doesn’t actually want power” and implying that all Catra needs to find happiness and fulfillment is to give up the power-hungry charade and go be with her girlfriend. As an abuse survivor myself, I find this troubling on a number of levels, and I have a few things to say to this:

1) Portal!Catra is not real Catra.

Portal!Catra is something straight out of a really ooc high school au. She is very different from real Catra, and the contrast is meant to be shocking (much like the asshole au version of Buffy in BtVS 3x09 “The Wish”). It’s a reflection of how people are shaped by their circumstances, it’s not a character study of Catra’s actual wants and needs.

The Catra we saw in the portal, before she remembered her real history, was not dealing with the fallout of a lifetime of abuse. She did not know to be afraid of Shadow Weaver. In fact, she rolled her eyes and groaned when Shadow Weaver scolded her and Adora for goofing off and said she had high hopes for both of them. Real Catra would have killed to hear Shadow Weaver say she had high hopes for her, and here she was acting like it was an annoying lecture she heard all the time. The Catra of this “perfect world” has not spent her whole life being tortured and degraded and humiliated and told that she would never amount to anything.

So yeah, it makes sense that this version of Catra is happy for her friend who got promoted, in contrast to real Catra’s reaction. In this reality it’s good for the whole squad, and they all got the chance to prove themselves in Thaymor. In this reality it’s not a reminder that no matter what she does, she’ll never be as good as Adora, always be seen as useless and never get a chance to prove her worth. This Catra knows maybe she could become a Force Captain one day too. And if she didn’t, maybe it wouldn’t be the end of the world; she hasn’t been told time and time again how incapable she is, so she doesn’t have her canon self’s all-encompassing urge to prove people wrong about her.

In the portal reality, Catra wasn’t blamed for Adora’s failings or treated like a nuisance - a sidekick at best, a liability at worst. She wasn’t pushed down so Adora could be lifted up, they were lifted up together. Of course this Catra doesn’t resent Adora the same way she does in canon or have the same obsession with proving herself.

2) “Just being with Adora” is what caused this problem in the first place.

Catra spent her childhood finding solace in Adora while battling a growing resentment towards her. We’ve all seen “Promise,” this fact is right there in canon. Just being with Adora was Catra’s strategy to try to stay happy throughout her childhood, but it wasn’t working.

Adora was the only good thing in Catra’s life, but this relationship brought her pain as well, and not just from Shadow Weaver. She felt like Adora didn’t respect her, didn’t believe in her. And it’s hard to blame her when you see some of Adora’s cocky posturing, like the “sure you did” and “riiiiight” comments. Adora’s just teasing and playfully asserting dominance (perhaps even trying to flirt a little), but to Catra it doesn’t feel playful, it feels malicious and disrespectful. The one person who makes her feel like she’s worth anything at all so casually dismissing her abilities is devastating.

Sacrificing her need for respect and validation to go be with Adora is not going to fix Catra’s problems. It is not progress, for Catra or Catradora. It’s regression into the unhealthy dynamic that caused much of the conflict between them in the first place.

3) There is no reclaiming this “ideal Catra.”

This may seem like a callous thing to say, but it doesn’t matter what Catra could have been under better circumstances. We are all shaped by our experiences, and no amount of love or therapy will undo what we have already gone through and how it shaped our psychology. All we can do is learn how best to live with who we are now. I’ve had to learn this the hard way, as someone with an acquired disability and a boatload of trauma. There is no ideal version of yourself to get back to, only future versions of yourself to work towards.

This is as true for Catra as it is for anyone irl. It’s not fair to say that Catra “at her core” just wants to be safe and loved and with Adora and therefore all her other needs borne of her abuse and neglect are meaningless. That’s extremely negligent, actually. That attitude minimizes Catra’s trauma, implies that she just needs to learn to get over it and then she won’t have these “impurities” in her personality anymore.

Catra has been abused, and she will always be hypersensitive to indicators of abuse. She’ll get triggered and riled up by seemingly innocuous things when it feels like someone is trying to dominate or subjugate her, take away her agency. She is always going to need to feel a certain sense of power and control just to feel safe and comfortable. In certain situations and around certain people she may feel safe enough to let that guard down and just relax and trust, but that’s a privilege, not a right. On that note...

4) Catra does not need to chase this ideal for anyone’s comfort.

Yes, Catra needs to change. She needs to stop pushing away everyone who loves her, she needs to curb her self-destructive impulses. She needs to take steps toward not just redemption, but healing. This will only be possible once people finally start to acknowledge her trauma, but that’s a whole other story.

However, Catra does not need to change the ways her abuse has shaped her. That’s impossible, and an unfair expectation. Healing from trauma is not the same as erasing it, and this is a very common misconception in the real world as well as in fandom. It’s also an extremely harmful misconception.

Now, this idea in particular is a popular theme in discussions of Catradora’s relationship dynamics, the implication being that Catra will only be happy/healed if she can get to the point where she not only can, but wants to yield control to Adora and that if she can’t/won’t then she doesn’t really trust her and their relationship is broken. The yikes level of this argument, especially in NSFW contexts (which is where you will often see it), is off the charts. It is not fair to expect an abuse survivor to put herself in uncomfortable and potentially triggering situations just to prove she trusts her partner or to demonstrate personal growth. Period.

Now, that’s not to say expressions of trust on Catra’s part wouldn’t be good for the relationship. Adora wants to take care of Catra as much as Catra wants to take care of her, and feeling like Catra trusts her (in those contexts or in others) would certainly stroke Adora’s ego. The problem lies in it being an expectation or us treating it like a milestone, something to celebrate. If Adora is a good partner she will work with Catra as she is and let her express trust in ways she feels comfortable with, rather than pressuring her to do things she’s not comfortable with to prove her feelings for Adora or illustrate her progress.

In short, erasing her history and ignoring her abuse is harmful.

Like I said, portal!Catra is not real Catra, and we can’t treat her like she is. It makes zero sense to ignore or villainize her perfectly legitimate need to feel powerful and in control over her own life just because someone who lived a totally different life didn’t have that same need to the same degree.

And I know I will get comments that canon Catra doesn’t really want power either, but I disagree. Catra doesn’t really want to rule the world, it’s true, but she wants to prove that she can. We’ve seen her enjoy being in a leadership position because she’s good at it and it reminds her of her own competence and worth. Just because she found no satisfaction in losing her soul to take over the world does not mean she finds no genuine fulfillment in being in a position of influence.

Even regardless of how much she enjoys it, Catra is still drawn to power because she has grown to associate it with positive outcomes like safety, agency, and self-actualization. Yes, power may not be Catra’s ultimate goal, but that doesn’t make it meaningless to her. And I really wish people would stop acting like a perfectly normal response to abuse is a character flaw that needs to be fixed.

It seems a lot of people are quick to forget Catradora’s real history as depicted in “Promise” because they like the “Remember” version of their relationship better. Because they like this version of Catra better. It’s understandable - who doesn’t want to see Catra happy, right? But like Adora so devastatingly told Catra (and all of us), it’s not real.

We need to stop pretending it’s real.

#spop #she-ra #she ra #meta #catra #child abuse #catradora #catra and shadow weaver #1x11 promise #3x05 remember #mine #i really went off here #idec #i've been trying to write this for months #and finally got the inspiration/clarity to finish #i hope it lives up to the hype #portal!catra is not real catra

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awkwardschools-detention · 3 years

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Blog_Post_#1_Examining_Youth_Culture_Lajara_Brandon

Lajara, Brandon

COM 105 Media & Society

FALL 2021

09/13/21

Blog Post 1, Examining Youth Culture

Examining youth culture can help us understand on how to raise awareness for certain issues like drug addiction and sexual harassment and even bullying. The character that I can relate to the most is the supporting character Damien from mean girls. The reason why is because he is so awkward and I was very awkward during my adolescence. I just love his attitude during the movie and how chill he is. I also liked Cady Heron because she is new to high school after being homeschooled all her life in Africa. I was like Cady in some ways. Well not the homeschooled parts but I changed myself to fit in and ended up bullying a really good friend of mine in highschool and he decided that I was too mean and ditched me. I realized that I lost him when it was too late. The way I got him back was by pranking the bullies and punching them in the faces, luckily that stopped them from bullying anyone ever again. I also liked it when he wore an interesting purple suit alongside his best friend Janis. It was risky but also brave of him to not care how he looked. Damien also didn’t care at all what people said, but the only way I somewhat differed from him during my adolescence was I cared about my image and basically felt really self conscious about my look and was depressed all the time. It wasn’t until another friend who would soon become my best friend/sister to me would inspire me to stop caring about my figure and how I dressed. So I would decide to still wear baggy sweatshirts to wear casual clothes, I love somewhat big sweatshirts. I also like wearing hats because I used to hate my hair and how fast it grows but now I like it. Damien is the type of character to inspire people to just be themselves and to not care what other people think. One common theme is Bullying and that is a serious theme because of how impactful it is on our youth. Bullying is a plague. I can sadly say again that I was a bully for a short time and it wasn’t fun. I was also bullied as well. The reason bullying is so big is because insecure teens bundle up their problems the wrong way and let it out towards others. One reference about this is in the movie Mean girls and the plastics burn book and when it was revealed and everyone’s secrets were revealed was technically bullying to a certain degree. The reason why I count that as bullying is because it caused people distress and got people hurt hense the fight in the hall that came soon after. Another common theme is drug usage and alcohol. In euphoria the story begins with Rue narrating and telling the viewer that she overdosed on drugs. Later in the episode teens are seen at a party drinking alcohol and doing drugs. Teens are drawn to drugs because either they came from a broken home and they want to feel good or they are peer pressured into it by friends or classmates, in some cases people think it’s cool to take drugs. Teens are into drinking alcohol in a similar way to why they take drugs actually. The final theme is fashion. Teens are over obsessed with fashion and how they look. Teens are way too self conscious about what they look like and it’s kinda unhealthy. Take a look at the plastics from mean girls and how they focus too much on their look and even dictating how others dress as well with them being trendsetters and all. Soundtracks can affect a narrative if the song fits the scene but won’t do anything if the song doesn’t fit the scene and how the story is told. I’m going to go out of order for the list. The first song that I am going to talk about is called Ugliest by a rap duo called Suicideboys. It defines my adolescence because it’s about (what I interpret anyway) Opioid addiction. I never took drugs in my life but I lost a few friends to opiod addiction. The problem with this Opioid epidemic is how easily people can get their hands on them. The next song is All signs point to Lauderdale by A day to remember. This song somewhat defined my adolescence in which all I wanted to do was leave the town I grew up in and run away from all of my problems. All I could do from not running away was listening to this song and others by the band. The next song is also from A day to remember it’s called sometimes you’re the Hammer, Sometimes you’re the nail. This song helped me during my adolescence make me feel like I was someone when I wasn’t good at anything. The song inspired me to better myself and enjoy life to the fullest. Another song is Never Again by Breaking Benjamin. That song helped me realize that I was a bully and I would never bully anyone ever again. Airplanes by B.o.B is another song that helped me realize that I need to chase my dreams. The song on the playlist is a cover of the song. The next song is another opioid song this time it’s called Can’t catch up by Rehab. This one helped me realize that I can potentially not be able to help my friends that are addicted even though at that time during my adolescence I thought I actually could help them and have them quit. Prisoner by Dance Gavin Dance is a song that would define a month of my adolescence where I felt like a prisoner in my own mind. I hated school back during my adolescence and every time school ended for the summer or any kind of break I would listen to School’s out by Alice in Chains. It helped me get through the years but I ended up learning to like school. I had a phase where all I listened to was Sum 41, their song in too deep helped realize that whatever new thing I tried to learn I would mess up and make a pile of problems that would actually have consequences later on. The final song that I would like to chat about is the iconic Just a Kid by simple plan. I had very few friends in school and everything went wrong for me. Believe it or not I already knew that life was hard and not easy.

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7FRrwlOJTs7t7SQNyp4C7D?si=688e4500d7bc40f5

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