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#Because the internet suggests it could very well be cancer!!!!

galwithalibrarycard · 6 months

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Hi, it's me again, I hope I'm not being to much (We really are anxious people, isn't?). We're a small fandon now, but I love how you keep going it, seriously, and it's so nice to have a place to talk about beadick. I just wanna say that I really enjoy your fic about them breaking the rules, I wish we could've seen more of that in LoLiLo. Anyway, could you share some of your headcanons post Lolilo? Also, I was a little bit disappointed with the way "they got together again", I mean, it was so rushed, they barely talk about it, anyway, thanks

Not at all, I’m so happy to keep hearing from you, Anon! 😁 I’m glad to be your place to talk about Beadick, of course! I hope you’re not too anxious!

And thank you so much, I’m so glad you liked the fic! I assume you mean Lovebirds? (There’s also Plausible Deniability and Rules For Thee Broke, though!) Either way I’m proud of how all those fics came out and I had a lot of fun writing them, so I’m thrilled you enjoyed reading whichever one!

I agree, I wish there was more Beadick in lolilo in general, and especially rule-breaking fluff. I don’t think I’ve talked to a beadick shipper yet who doesn’t wish we’d gotten more of a fleshed-out reunion and resolution for them and their plotline. It did feel unsatisfyingly rushed. I think it’s the vlog-style format that limits a lot of what we could’ve gotten, though. There’s so much the characters would never put online, including the full conversation and reconciliation that would’ve happened between Bea and Ben after FEATHERS and the goodbye episode. I wish Lolilo was one of those webseries that’s half vlog style and half traditional omniscient scenes where we’re watching the characters interact when they DON’T have a camera on them in-world. Would’ve changed the whole game.

That being said, I still think we should have gotten at least one getting-back-together kiss in FEATHERS right at the end before Hero comes in. Beadick deserved to have their last onscreen kiss be about their love and how happy they are to be back together, not about Bea tricking Ben into breaking a rule. I will be dying on this hill and I do have a fanfic in the works about it (it’s just very difficult to describe a kiss for any length of time or wax poetic about what the kiss means for them when I know their brains are just a blank and their internal monologues have left the building. Because Big Damn Reunion Kiss.)

As far as my post-lolilo headcanons, I think that Bea and Ben stay in Auckland for however long it takes before Leo’s cancer goes into likely remission or at least to a place where they know he’ll survive. Bea and Ben use that time to be with their families and to work on their relationship and to plan their trip. Ben also uses that time to get a therapist and start figuring out his anxiety (and also what’s probably ADHD worsening his struggles academically- that’s something I can say way less about bc I don’t share that experience but I’ve heard the headcanon from other people and I agree with it.)

After Leo is out of the woods, Bea and Ben embark on their year of travel. It’s life-changing and so much fun and brings them closer together than ever. They’ll talk about it fondly for the rest of their lives, and have plenty of pictures and stories to share about it (and some stories that are just between them).

I think Ben quits vlogging forever. He realizes it’s unhealthy for him, enabling his avoidance of deeper conversation and vulnerability with the real people in his life, and that it’s violating other people’s privacy as well. Instead, I think Ben starts keeping a diary or journal. His therapist suggests it, and he loves it. It’s a way to get his thoughts out of his head in situations where he isn’t ready to talk to people about them in person, without also involving strangers on the internet. It allows him to be honest with himself and not have to put on a front out of fear of being judged. He loves writing, and it turns out to be a great avenue to explore his passion for the universality of storytelling and the way human emotions have been the same for thousands of years. He goes back to school once he’s rested and ready, and writes books of scholarly analyses of Marlowe and other classic plays and stories, and is a Literature teacher at both high school and university levels during his future career.

Bea is a lawyer, a headcanon I believe I adopted from some of the Candle Wasters and Harriett (who plays Bea) talking about that in a behind the scenes somewhere? Anyway, I like that she gets to go to work doing her favorite thing, arguing, and do it better than anyone else. She lets herself have what she wants: her independence AND Ben. And she’s still fierce.

I know most people don’t spend forever with the person they dated at 18, but the beauty of fiction is that I get to say, screw realism. Bea and Ben are one of those very few young couples who make it work long-term. They stay together for the rest of their lives, because even when it’s hard, they always keep choosing each other, choosing to do the work of growing together. They have lives outside of each other, but they’re still each other’s absolute world. One of my favorite things about the Beadick side of the fandom is that we pretty much all believe that’s true. The fans, the creators and actors (when last we heard from them), and arguably Shakespeare himself- all of us think Beadick is forever. You don’t split up two people with matching name-meanings and a romance for the ages. (Of course thinking they don’t last is also valid and I’m not bossing anyone around or saying you can’t be a fan if you think differently- I’m just stating what I’ve seen as being the most popular fanon.) (They are together forever though. To me.)

In my headcanon, they elope when they decide to get married, and they eventually have two kids, two because they both grew up the only child and know how lonely that can be. I think future fic about their family is one of the most frequent requests I’ve gotten when I’ve opened my ask to fic prompts, which is fun. I headcanon that they name their daughter Olivia, and Ben likes to call her Olive (see what I did there? 🫒). Their second kid is a son, who I named James (nicknamed Jamie) in my fic “Twice Blessed”, though I don’t think I have a reason for that one. I really do not mean to keep plugging my fanfics here, it’s just that most of my headcanons are laid out in them already! :)

I like fluff, I like my ships to be happy by the end. So Ben improves his mental health, Bea improves in asking for what she wants and expressing her love more directly, they both work on communication, and they live and bicker and tease and love happily ever after.

I hope you don’t mind that I wrote you a novel here, Anon! I’m so glad you mostly enjoyed lolilo and I’m so glad to talk about it with you. This is so fun for me, so thanks again! 💖😊🦩

#asks tag #beadick anon #long post #otp: team blessed #sorry for clogging your dashes folks #but also no I’m not this was so fun

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junipcrs · 1 year

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juno is practically brimming with excitement as she enters the wired studio . she’s really got nothing to hide and after years of watching wired’s autocomplete series , juno already has a whole thing envisioned . she wouldn’t necessarily categorize herself as a nepo baby but she could definitely see how she’d fall into the category . super rich parents . a mother who’s a known socialite , philanthropist and at one point , a model . and a father who’s a prominent figurehead in new york real estate . she’s got a leg up on the others . // @nepofminspo

“ hi i’m juno choi and this is the WIRED autocomplete interview ... ”

autocomplete suggests the most common searches on the internet

“ i’m actually super excited for this . i’ve always wanted to do one of these . ”

so WIRED asked juno choi some of the internet’s burning questions

WHO ...

“ alright , here we go . ” [ juno is chuckling as she rips off the piece of paper ]

who is JUNO CHOI ?

“ that feels like a very loaded question . who am i ? what am i ? just kidding . hi , for those of you who don’t know me , i’m juno . i really like cars . ”

who does JUNO CHOI look like ?

“ i think all you kdrama fans might know the answer to this but a lot of people say i look like this one korean actress , kim yoo-jung . love her . love her work . ”

who is JUNO CHOI related to ?

“ my mom , alexis , and my dad , colin . if you’re both watching this , hi . ” [ juno waves at the camera ] “ and i can’t forget josie . love you . ” [ juno makes a heart at the camera ]

who does JUNO CHOI look up to ?

“ my uncle hunter . taught me all i know about cars . and also the man responsible for making me unbearable when it comes to talking about cars . ” [ juno laughs ] “ and jane fonda . she just exudes this energy that i personally love . she’s just so proudly her and doesn’t give a [ bleep ] –– sorry i forgot i technically can’t say that . ” [ juno sheepishly chuckles ]

HOW ...

how is JUNO CHOI ?

“ i’m doing well , thanks for asking ! ”

how can i meet JUNO CHOI ?

“ uhh , well –– if you ever see me out an about don’t be shy . come say hi . i promise i don’t bite . ”

how tall is JUNO CHOI ?

“ i think i’m five foot seven , last i checked . ”

IS ...

is JUNO CHOI from new york ?

“ i am , yeah . born and raised in manhattan . ”

is JUNO CHOI in a relationship ?

“ i am currently not in a relationship . single as a pringle and that’s okay . don’t let anyone convince you that being single is a problem . ”

is JUNO CHOI in love ?

“ that’s a loaded question . can i say i love my cars ? because i do . they’re my babies . but if you’re talking about romantic love then no . platonic and familial love , of course . i love my friends and family . ”

WHAT ...

what is JUNO CHOI known for ?

“ i guess i’d say i’m known for my stunt driving work ? other than that , i guess it’s how much i post my restored cars on instagram . ” [ juno laughs lightly ]

what is JUNO CHOI’S zodiac sign ?

“ i am a virgo sun , scorpio moon , cancer rising . ”

what is JUNO CHOI starbucks order ?

“ a little basic but my go-to starbucks order is a nitro coldbrew with vanilla sweet cream . ”

what was JUNO CHOI first job ?

“ technically , my first job was when i modeled for a gap campaign in 2004 . first job as an adult ? i got a small gig as a stunt driver . ”

what was JUNO CHOI first movie ?

“ john wick: chapter 2 and i will never forget it . it was such a surreal experience and keanu reeves ? he is just wonderful . love him . love working with him . honestly love any movie where i get to work with him . ”

what languages can JUNO CHOI speak ?

“ at the moment , i can speak korean , french , spanish , latin , greek and i’m currently learning how to speak italian . ”

DOES ...

does JUNO CHOI have tattoos ?

“ i currently do not have any tattoos . but that might chance depending on when this video is published . ”

does JUNO CHOI have siblings ?

“ i do ! i have a younger sister . ” [ juno turns to stare intensely at the camera ] “ rosie , if you’re watching this , i want my jacket back . you know which one i’m talking about . ”

does JUNO CHOI like LIVIA KELLY ?

“ she’s one of my closest friends so i feel like it’s kind of a given that i like her . that’s a pretty big requirement to establish a friendship . ”

does JUNO CHOI do yoga ?

“ on occasion . i just need to be more consistent with it . ”

does JUNO CHOI have a pet ?

“ i do ! i recently adopted a cat . ” [ juno pulls out her phone and shows a picture of her cat to the camera ] “ his name is dubu and i love him . ”

DID ...

did JUNO CHOI date LIVIA KELLY ?

[ juno laughs before she finishes removing the piece of paper ] “ i hate to disappoint because i know some of you have your theories but we’ve never dated . you heard it here first folks ! ”

did JUNO CHOI ever delete their social media ?

“ delete , no . gone on a really long hiatus ? yes , absolutely . ”

WHERE ...

where did JUNO CHOI go to college ?

“ i went to columbia for undergrad and cornell for grad school . ”

where is JUNO CHOI right now ?

“ well ... i’m currently in new york at an unnamed studio with wired ! ”

[ juno tosses the prop behind her as the extended endscreen comes on to show wired’s other videos ]

“ well i appreciate the kinda intrusive but also basic questions you all have about me . ”

#nepofm.task001 #🍒 𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐃𝐂𝐀𝐍𝐎𝐍𝐒 . ›› juniper choi .#🍒 𝐄𝐃𝐈𝐓𝐒 . ›› juniper choi .

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naturalremediiesformenopauses · 1 month

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A Few Facts About Natural Remedies For Menopause Symptoms

Products containing CBD are becoming notable competitors for treating a range of medical issues. Their versatility in addressing a wide variety of conditions, from pain management to mood control, and their potential therapeutic effects make them appealing. As it pertains to treating disorders like depression and chronic pain, and others, CBD shows promise for those looking for a more holistic approach than typical medications. Cannabidiol, or CBD for short, is a substance that originates from the cannabis plant. For many users, CBD is really a safe alternative because it doesn't have the same high effects as its counterpart THC. Its popularity is a consequence of its capacity to interact with the body's endocannabinoid system. CBD has demonstrated especially promising results in the area of fibromyalgia pain management. Widespread musculoskeletal discomfort could be the hallmark of this chronic illness, which can be frequently combined with exhaustion, irregular sleep patterns, and mood swings. For patients with fibromyalgia, CBD's anti inflammatory qualities may reduce pain and enhance general quality of life. Visit the below mentioned site, if you're searching for more information about natural remedies for menopause symptoms.

In addition, CBD pills are becoming more and very popular as a home cure for menopausal symptoms. Menopausal women frequently experience discomforts such mood swings, hot flashes, and insomnia. Herbal medicines with CBD have been hailed because of their ability to lessen these symptoms, providing women with an even more benign replacement for hormone replacement treatment. Moreover, joint discomfort brought on by menopause and other disorders might be alleviated by CBD. For people who struggle with joint discomfort, CBD gets the potential to enhance mobility and overall wellness by lowering inflammation and altering pain perception. Getting these goods has become easier than ever because of the growth of internet CBD retailers. Consumers can investigate a wide variety of CBD products and obtain insightful data to direct their path to wellbeing and health. Online CBD retailers supply a wide variety of alternatives to match different requirements and preferences, from topical creams and capsules to CBD infused oils and tinctures.

CBD provides a glimmer of aspire to people navigating the complications of chronic pain, anxiety, or depression. For those searching for alternative therapies, its natural origins and wide selection of applications ensure it is a desirable option. But it's important to use caution when utilizing CBD and talk to a healthcare provider, particularly if you're adding it to an already existing treatment plan. Products containing CBD provide a secure, effective, and natural way to deal with a range of health problems, from menopausal symptoms to fibromyalgia pain alleviation. People now have unprecedented use of these helpful products because to the growth of online CBD retailers, giving them the power to take charge of their health and wellbeing. For individuals searching for holistic solutions, CBD stands out as a beacon of hope whilst the field of alternative medicine continues to change. There are many advantages to CBD, and more studies are increasingly being done to find new uses with this adaptable substance. Although nearly all current research centers on mood and pain management, early research suggests that CBD may also be useful in treating illnesses including epilepsy, acne, and potentially some kinds of cancer. Whilst the public's curiosity about CBD grows, so does the need for thorough scientific research to support evidence based medicine and guarantee the safe and efficient utilization of this potent substance.

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thomasenengel · 1 year

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2019 JCO Orthodontic Exercise Examine Element Several: Apply Expansion along with Staff Information.

Five years within the EEN class. Warm beverages were the most frequent reason behind can burn in both organizations. The actual imply amount of burn had been reported while 30 +/- Thirteen inside the LEN team along with Twenty two +/- 16 inside the EEN class. Imply amount of hospitalisation has been 16.Several +/- 3.7 days from the LEN team along with A dozen.Some +/- One.Three or more within the EEN team for healed sufferers (R < 0.05). As many as 40 people (12%) within the LEN party as well as Thirty one sufferers (8-10.5%) within the EEN party ended (P < 0.05). Conclusion: Our own investigation showed that EEN diminishes time period of hospitalisation as well as death in children together with burns. (D) '09 Elsevier Limited and ISBI. Almost all rights reserved.Time-resolved fluorescence anisotropy spectroscopy had been used on read the interaction from the peptide cut down in the holding internet site regarding cancer suppressant p53 protein and also the DNAs covalently labeled with 6-carboxyfluorescein (FAM) dye. Fluorescence strength quenching and modifications associated with anisotropy rot lifetime ended up checked when FAM branded Genetics created sophisticated with all the peptide. The final results indicated that Emapalumab mouse the succession regarding Genetic make-up could not define the actual binding nature between your peptide along with DNA. However the anisotropy decay of FAM may be used to examine the presenting appreciation with the peptide for you to DNA. The particular neon dynamics of FAM could also be used to represent the actual hardness in the intricate produced between the peptide as well as Genetic.Toxoplasma gondii is an intracellular protozoan infecting 30% to 50% of worldwide population. Not too long ago, it had been suggested in which long-term hidden neuroinflammation a result of the particular parasite could be responsible for the development of several neurodegenerative diseases starting together with the decrease of smell. Research throughout creatures inoculated with all the parasite unveiled abnormal growths in various parts of the brain, including olfactory light bulb. Growth and development of behaviour adjustments ended up being ique from the preferential determination involving growths in outlined anatomic houses with the brain, with respect to the host, strain from the parasite, its virulence, as well as route of inoculation. Olfactory dysfunction documented within Alzheimer's, multiple sclerosis, and also schizophrenia ended up being frequently associated with the substantially increased solution anti-T gondii immunoglobulin Grams antibody amounts. Harm to the olfactory system might be furthermore a minimum of in part accountable for the introduction of depression simply because Tgondii infection compounded feeling in these individuals, and the olfactory bulbectomized rat operates as a model of depression.Cytomegalovirus (CMV) an infection is a very common side-effect after lean meats hair loss transplant, and it is linked to several indirect and direct outcomes. Treatments for CMV contamination and disease has evolved over the years, along with clinical suggestions are already just lately up-to-date. Widespread antiviral prophylaxis plus a pre-emptive treatment method method tend to be selections for prevention. A new currently-recruiting randomized medical study will be comparing your effectiveness as well as protection of these two elimination techniques in the maximum risk D+R-liver people.

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stonebarge86 · 2 years

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The saying goes "A good friend is better than two friends" or something similar.

Are I correct or am I really right? Have you encountered a situation in which someone you know has helped you in a way that 2 or three new friends wouldn't? My friend was in this situation just recently and I need to share the incident. https://y2mate.world I've come across a Youtube channel that my previous girlfriend and I have started together about 8 years ago.. We split up, but the channel remains up to date after I've discovered. It is so important. This channel has a couple dozen ASMR cats purring and video clips of cats licking. Though I am not sure if you have tried ASMR before, I am sure I loved it.. Alison Brie held an ASMR session with me recently. The session was held in a magazine or on the internet. I loved the way she whispered in mine ears. ASMR is best experienced by kitties cleaning and purring themselves. It gives me goosebumps throughout all of the time they are grooming. You'll find quite a few videos on this channel of my dearly-loved and cherished 3 cats who I shared with my friend. These videos were very important to me. Okay, you are able to keep our channel as yours but I need to get the kitties to my computer. I was very happy to meet old friends and to hear their purrs was one the most satisfying times for me. I really missed them and not just for ASMR reasons. 3 years ago I was admitted to the hospital with cancer. The second one passed away from a fatal bloodclot. And the 3rd one was literally drowned from the liquid in their lungs. What should I do?

First, I test Y2mate. This is what I have used the most lately to download videos from Youtube. My playlist isn't working maybe because it's part of my personal mix. I'm not sure.. So I visit Flvto. Flvto is another friend that I've made over the last few months. Yet another disappointment.. The site suggests Mp3 Studio as a way to manage playlists easily. This is not something I could afford. I'm trying to find an easy online tool to help me. It was only a few years ago that I discovered an amazing online tool that can convert Youtube videos to mp4 and then download them for free on the Youtube MP4 website. It takes my playlist and produces thumbnails of 30 images of me grooming my cats. I am then invited to download all 30 videos. It's amazing. A friend who is good at their job can be able to help when 2 younger, stronger and more capable friends could not. YouTube mp4 is an excellent. It comes with a built-in search so I can search for other videos on. Simply look up the video, then type in some keywords from description or title, then press submit. It'll then display a dozen or two videos that fit your search criteria. You can you can decide in regards to what you enjoy or don't like about them however, it does have a nice search options that auto-suggest as well as local popular search tags.. Simple to use, I simply click on each YouTube playlist video to download the an mp4 file. One option, one downloaded one file. Simple and quick. Youtube to mp3 online converter, thanks.

#y2mate

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hailfox76 · 2 years

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Why Is My Hair Falling Out? 10 Causes Of Hair Loss

DermNet NZ doesn't present an internet consultation service. If you've any concerns together with your skin or its remedy, see a dermatologist for advice. If the hair does grow back, there could additionally be repeated episodes of hair loss. Hair transplants usually are not fairly as everlasting as they might seem. As MPB is a progressive condition, there’s no guarantee that your hair loss won’t continue post-op. Many individuals think about a thick head of hair a symbol of youth and vitality. So losing it — irrespective of how young you're — could make you feel old. Finally, hair loss might occur as part of an underlying disease, corresponding to lupus or diabetes. Since hair loss could also be an early sign of a disease, it is important to find the cause in order that it can be handled. Some of these are listed right here and include hair-fiber powders, hairpieces, artificial wigs, human hair wigs, hair extensions, hair weaves, laser, and surgical procedure. While thyroid blood tests and different lab checks, together with a whole blood count , on people who have strange hair loss are normally regular, it is very important exclude treatable causes of hair loss. Common balding occurs in men and women and is because of the effect of testosterone metabolites in genetically vulnerable hair follicles. Many girls will experience hair loss a number of months after giving birth. This can also occur throughout annoying intervals in your life similar to divorce or dying of a loved one. The second examine, titled “Tissue engineering of human hair follicles using a biomimetic developmental strategy,” was revealed in Nature Communications. Scalp cooling is in all probability not obtainable in all most cancers centres, and it's not covered underneath provincial well being care plans. You must pay for the treatments your self . The myths generally handed on as information in some on-line hair-loss teams are a relentless obstacle to getting sufferers on therapy regimens that actually have some chance of helping their hair. The pandemic has manufactured trauma at an astonishing clip. Researchers do not but know precisely how prevalent hair loss is amongst COVID-19 patients, but one examine discovered that amongst those hospitalized, 22 percent have been still coping with hair loss months later. Hair, nails, and pores and skin might turn into more brittle and break more easily. It is currently unknown at what stage the synapsids acquired mammalian traits such as body hair and mammary glands, because the fossils solely hardly ever provide direct evidence for gentle tissues. Folital , research on terminal Permian Russian coprolites could suggest that non-mammalian synapsids from that era had fur. If this is the case, these are the oldest hair remnants recognized, showcasing that fur occurred as far again as the latest Paleozoic. Many mammals have fur and other hairs that serve totally different capabilities.

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religion-is-a-mental-illness · 2 years

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I have a story regarding to "The Twitching Generation" or at least similar to it.

I have a female cousin who's dearly close to my family and she self-diagnosed herself with narcolepsy because she's constantly falling asleep during the day mostly of the time but her mom already took her to see a doctor and made several tests even with a polysomnography multiple times and they found nothing wrong with her. Her blood is clean, there's no disease or disorder of any kind that they could find in her.

So, what's causing her to fall asleep during the day? Well, her mom admitted during a lunch that she's always sleeping very late after midnight like between 1 a.m. to 3 a.m. and wakes up very late almost at noon, plus she doesn't eat properly and eat junk food and is addicted to social media. Here's the worst part: my cousin denies everything and insists that she has a medical condition despite having medical evidence that contradicts her.

This is the most eye-opening and shocking thing I've encountered in first-hand. Her family and my family have tried everything to convinced her to change her lifestyle since what she's dealing with could've been addressed easily with a 9-hour sleep, healthy food and less usage on the internet but she refuses to do that.

It's really sad to see someone, especially a family member destroy themselves for an irrational belief.

This is a great example of the problems with self-diagnosis and self-identification, and the devastation it brings.

Self-diagnosis isn't great. Even a trained professional might need to get you into an MRI or take a biopsy or something to be able to accurately diagnose you, and yet you think you can just read WebMD and accurately diagnose yourself? No.

Interesting how you never see self-diagnosers diagnose themselves with pancreatic cancer, liver failure, multiple sclerosis or malignant narcissism. They always seem to be the quirky, yet transparent ones that attract attention and sympathy, justify their behavior - which is sort of like "I can't help it, I'm a Scorpio!" - or both.

It wouldn't necessarily be so bad on its own. You look up your symptoms and try to guess what you've got. You go to the specialist and you find out "oh, I don't have Dissociative Identity Disorder, I have Type 2 diabetes because I eat like every day is Halloween, boy do I feel silly."

When the self-diagnosed condition becomes a part of the individual's personal identity, it becomes threatening to suggest otherwise. To paraphrase Kimberlé Crenshaw, 'we all can recognize the distinction between the claims "I am Narcoleptic" and the claim "I am a person who happens to have Narcolepsy."' To question any of this is to be regarded as some kind of bigot or hater for not celebrating this identity.

It also seems pseudo-religious when you think about it. What would convince her that she didn't have narcolepsy? When I ask a similar question to the religious, the answer, stated proudly and confidently is "nothing. Nothing could convince me that my god is not real." If you got an answer like that from her, you can be certain she's not rational and her belief is just as faith-based.

Since social capital is now calculated on acquiring "marginalized identities" and perceived "victimhood," not on ideas and values, it's even worse to dare point out that they don't have a condition at all, and are remarkably ordinary. That would be the worst thing of all.

It would be interesting to ask her about an article that you read, that she's no doubt well aware of, about an injection you can get every two months which will eliminate narcolepsy entirely. And whether she will be getting it. I would put money on her "narcolepsy" being the "wrong kind" or some other excuse.

What's really gross is that there are people who actually have narcolepsy, DID, Tourette's and other conditions who would love nothing better than to wave a magic wand and just be merely ordinary, to fit within the statistical bellcurve called "normal."

And then you have people mapping their personality traits or flaws onto these serious conditions and adopting them as an aesthetic, trivializing them in the process.

#ask #personal identity #identity labels #narcolepsy #identity politics #self diagnosis #self diagnosis is not valid #religion is a mental illness

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transgenderteensurvivalguide · 3 years

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(Urgent) Hello! I really need help, I already searched on the internet but didnt find a satisfying answer so I really hope you'll be able to help. Soo I have to take swimming classes, I've been doing it and it's okay, the problem is that I'm on my period and absolutely can't wear tampons (or things similar) and I obviously don't have and won't get special swimwear. I don't want to tell my parents because I doubt they will understand.

Is there something I can do?

Lee says:

This is a good question! It’s probably relevant to a lot of transmasculine folks with the summer coming up and people being able to return to the pools and beaches since many of us are fully vaccinated now.

Unfortunately, I could come up with only six different (non-ideal) options to solve the problem:

1) Don't go swimming when you have your period

This might be a good option for a casual swimmer, but it isn't ideal if you're in swim classes and can't reschedule a class, or on a swim team and can't miss a practice or meet.

You could always quit and find a new form of exercise / a new job / a new sports team, but obviously that’s sort of a last resort if you can’t find any solution at all.

2) Wear a tampon

Tampons can be worn safely while swimming and prevent the blood from staining your suit when you get out of the pool.

To help prevent toxic shock syndrome, which is rare but dangerous, use the lowest absorbency tampon you can and change your tampon every 4-8 hours or as often as needed. Don’t leave your tampon in for more than 8 hours.

You said that you “absolutely can't wear tampons,” but didn’t clarify why you can’t do it. If the reason is unrelated to dysphoria then you may have a medical condition, or it may be that your hymen is covering the opening to your vagina. A doctor or nurse (either your primary care provider or someone at a nearby Planned Parenthood or similar) can help you figure out why it’s causing pain and figure out what to do about it if you do suspect it’s medical-related and not psychological.

Many trans people like wearing tampons for their convenience and because tampons don’t cause the bloody-diaper feeling that pads can cause; there are a number of anons who have told us that using tampons make them feel less dysphoric than wearing pads.

Putting in a tampon usually doesn’t hurt, but it may take some practice in the beginning.

3) Wear a menstrual cup

Menstrual cups are safe to wear when you’re swimming, and function similarly to tampons.

Menstrual cups are great for people who are stealth but still get a period.

They’re small and easy to hide in your bedroom/dorm room/summer camp cabin, they’re reusable so you don’t have to buy more than one, and you can often use one cup for up to 10 years so you don’t have to buy them often.

Menstrual cups are discreet because you can wear a menstrual cup for 8-12 hours at a time, or until it’s full; this is because they hold 1 ounce of liquid, roughly twice the amount of a super-absorbent tampon or pad.

Having to emptying it only 2-3 times a day means you don’t have to carry extras with you that someone might notice in your bag, you never have to change your cup in the bathroom at school or at work, and you don’t have to worry about changing it in the locker room before you go swimming.

Menstrual blood can start to smell when it’s exposed to air, but your cup forms an airtight seal so there’s less odor to bother you, and nothing for other people to notice either.

Cups may look kind of big, but most people can’t feel them once they’re in.

Putting in a cup shouldn’t hurt, but it may take some practice in the beginning.

4) Wear a menstrual disc

Menstrual discs are similar to menstrual cups and can be worn swimming as well.

They aren’t reusable and are placed in a different way, but many of the pros are the same as those for cups.

5) Buy swimwear that helps catch or hide the blood

There are swimsuits which are dark colored and have absorbent layers built in to catch blood when you’re out of the pool (Example) but that isn’t very useful if you’re actually in the pool, or if you’re required to wear a certain type of swimsuit as a lifeguard, swimming instructor, or member of a swimming team. So this isn’t an ideal option, and you said that you don't have and won't get special swimwear.

6) Stop your menstrual cycle so you don't get your period while swimming (or at all, in general!)

This post lists a few non-dysphoria-related excuses you can use when asking your parents to stop your period, but saying that it interferes with your swimming lessons should be reason enough.

Everything you need to know about stopping your period with birth control

Everything you need to know about birth control

What You Need to Know About Birth Control and Breast Cancer

What’s up with birth control pills and vaping?

Will the chemicals in birth control mess me up?

What are birth control side effects?

Can I get birth control at Planned Parenthood without my parents’ permission?

Birth Control Your Own Adventure

Does depo-provera cause depression?

Are Low-Dose Birth Control Pills Right for You?

Given the information in your ask, you can’t skip lessons so option #1 is out, you can’t use tampons so option #2 is out, you won’t get special swimwear so option #5 is out, and you can’t tell your parents that you want to stop your period so option #6 is out.

That leaves options #3 and #4, menstrual cups and discs. I would recommend doing some research on each option to see what fits your needs the best.

However, if you feel unable to discuss menstruation with your parents, I would recommend a cup because they’re reusable you only need to buy one and that’s a good thing because it saves you money in the long term and you don’t need to repeatedly have to buy something that you’re embarrassed to talk about and hiding from them.

Here’s an article reviewing different menstrual cups here and I’d suggest looking at that.

That article has links to buy the cups online, and this post explains how to buy something online without a credit card and without your parents finding out.

You can also buy menstrual cups in-person at a pharmacy, if there’s one close enough for you to walk or bike to, or if you can get a friend to bring you.

Hopefully that’s a good start for things to consider, but I know that it probably isn’t the satisfying answer that you were hoping for since you won’t like any of the options.

However, I will note that I had a hysterectomy in 2018 so it’s been a lil while since I’ve had to deal with swimming while menstruating myself, so if the followers have any ideas that I’ve forgotten please feel free to add on!

(And yeah, a hysterectomy will definitely solve this issue for you but I’m assuming that’s a no-go in your situation which is why I didn’t include it in the list)

Anyhow, followers, any advice for anon?

#Lee says #swimming #summer #periods #menstruation

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emo-and-confused · 3 years

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Out of context things my Global Perspectives teacher has said:

Information: This was a 10th grade zoom class for the academy program at my public high school

“I know you’re all fans of K-pop, right?”

“You are not allowed to record. If I find out you are recording, I will find you, and I will destroy you.”

“Please ask a question, I’m so bored of talking.”

“I don't like listening to myself talk. My wife disagrees but-“

“It’s basically a “do you know how to read” quiz. so if you don’t know how to read, I don’t know how you got here.”

“Be prepared for a lot of dead jokes. Cause they’re fun. Cancer jokes are fun too. My dad died of cancer, so I guess I have the right to make them.”

“I have very little sympathy. If your grandma dies.. we’ll talk. If your grandma keeps dying, I’ll have to ask some questions.”

“I don’t text and drive, but I email and drive.”

“Do not copy me, I am not a lawyer.”

“I almost got killed so many times. I should've got killed, like legally. I still have both my hands which is surprising. so, I have so many stories of Saudi Arabia.”

“My most favorite child of mine, my dog.” (he has three human children)

[internet fluctuates] “Play the dinosaur game? What’s the dinosaur game?” (he learns to play the dinosaur game)

“Let me know if anything is going on. If your dad is currently dying of cancer, and you want more cancer jokes, please tell me.”

“I will drive to their house and cough on them and give them coronavirus.” “I will threaten you with biological abuse.”

“Have I told you my suicide Christian joke yet? No? Can I tell you guys my suicide Christian joke?”

“I don’t know my mom’s phone number. I don’t know my dad’s either.. but that’s for different reasons :)”

“Not the dirt on your shoes, the coronavirus in your lungs.”

“Speaking of addiction... nevermind I can’t tell you that yet.”

[to me] “You should not lie to yourself, I’m sorry that you do.”

“This is why you guys are so depressed, you guys don’t sleep.”

“You guys did great, give yourselves a pat on the back.... wow, only a few of us did that. The rest of you guys are losers.”

“I’m so white, I can’t roll my r’s, I’m sorry-“

“I just wanna get off the camera and go cry again.”

“Teah, Canadians, boring! Stop apologizing all the time! We get it, you like hockey!”

“Welch? Nobody cares about the Welch. They’re just smaller english people.”

“Don’t be stupid like me.”

“All of your teachers used to be stupid. Now some of them are less stupid”

“l don’t recommend making out with people with aids.” “Here’s a better suggestion, stop making out with people.” “You know who you should be making out with? Your spouse. Get married and then make out.” “You should not be making out with Jesus. That’s gross.”

“You know what else is dumb? The speed limit. Speed limits are dumb, yeah- you know what else? Tires! You don’t need them! They’re dumb! You don’t need oil changes! Yeah, that’s dumb! You know what else is dumb? Taxes! Screw the man!”

“No, the holy spirit will not get rid of aids” [pause] “Well—-“

“We can talk about pedophilia another day.”

“No wonder you all are addicts.”

“If you’ve been eating the same breakfast for the past 7 years, you might have a mental disorder.”

“If I’m ever on the show Naked and Afraid, please don’t watch, cause I'll be naked and afraid.”

“I know you’re not used to a grown man caring about you, cause you haven’t seen your dad in five years. It's okay. I wish he was around more often.”

“I got hit on at Busch Gardens and it was amazing.” “I haven’t been hit on in ten years.”

“If I ever get killed by the government, man, I want it to be a firing squad. That’s a badass way to go.”

“Do you guys wanna see me, in high school, as a Dr. Pepper can?”

“We might not learn anything in this class but at least we have fun.”

“It is possible that I might have made some Dr. Pepper commercials. And it is possible that I might have made some Dr. Pepper music videos.” “Who says I'm not a Dr. Pepper shareholder? I have never made that claim.”

“Did I tell you about that time I waterboarded a kid? No? Ah, well that’s a story for later.”

“Yes, I do believe in Santa. I believe he is Satan.”

“I'm just trying to give you legal advice.. I am not a lawyer though, so don’t take my legal advice.”

“You didn’t go to sleep until 3am? I've been up since 3am! We swapped!”

“Murders have experience, I wouldn’t let them near my children.”

“Is anyone here a flat earther? I promise I won't make fun of you. Unless you’re {Con}.”

“I wouldn't let any of you near my children. The only one of you I would let watch my daughter is {Con}.” [Me, in chat: ‘why me??’] “Why? Because I feel like she could put you in your place. She's three and a half and has no filter. She would insult you to your face.”

“Welcome to my bedroom. I tried to say that as creepy as possible, I hope it worked.”

“[Con] have you killed anyone this morning?”

“Guys, I’m gonna announce my bias right now. I’m a round earther/”

(the class he says he’s quitting) [Me, in the chat: ‘who’s gonna call me out in the middle of class for no reason now :/’] “Who’s gonna call you out in the middle of class? uh... Molly! Your new job is to call {Con} out and tell them what a terrible person they are.”

“So yeah, I was almost possessed in Sri Lanka.”

“{Con}, stop. Just because you’re possessed now does not mean you can roll your eyes when I say I was almost possessed.”

“No, Kaine didn’t come into school. Kaine hasn’t left his room, in like, eight months.”

#out of context #school #high school #this man kept making fun of me for no reason smh #like it targeted me as the student to call out at random times #he genuinely cared about our mental health #and gave us mental health days #HOWEVER he was a white cishet male and was extremely privilaged so sometimes he would say things and there were a little off #and he would have no idea what he said was slightly abelist/sexist/etc #he was the teacher you would like at first and then he would keep talking and you would remember #oh yeah this dude has an insane amount of privilege and doesnt know it #high school is fuckin weird man

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uh-velkommen · 3 years

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The White Lotus, HBOMax

Alright four episodes in and things are finally starting to ramp up. My face throughout the whole episode was stuck on discomfort. This show packs so much tension in every 45 minutes that I'm constantly waiting for somebody to pop off or something crazy to happen but instead we get teased with the smallest little plot pusher. Which is working. I'm officially intrigued. I do wish I knew the overall point of the show because that's what would've helped me decide if I wanted to keep up with but now my determination to find out how this all ends is doing just that...

Character breakdown + Spoilers/Predictions

Armond: The manager of the White Lotus resort. I love him in all his poor choices. He's just constant chaos simply because he has the power to create it. He's also the biggest driver of drama. He lies a lot, almost pathologically, and he will carry those lies to the grave for no real reason.

Nicole Mossbacher: Resort guest, Mark's wife, and Olivia and Quinn's mom. She's a pretty basic character who is teased about possibly having OCD and working during vacation. She was pretty chill in the first 2 episodes but every once in a while she says things that gives off I'm a centrist but my views lean a little more conservative.

Mark Mossbacher: In the beginning he's stressing about possibly having testicular cancer because his father died of cancer... Turns out his father had AIDs. He has a depressive episode over his dad being gay and then, while drunk, he inadvertently comes onto the Armond. The next day Armond tests the waters with Sober Mark and we get uncomfortably funny scenes of Armond coming onto Mark in front of the whole family. Mark's a very passive dude who doesn't do anything exciting in the show but we just find out that he has, in the past, repeatedly cheated on his wife and didn't tell her (he told his son that he did tell Nicole but I don't believe it) I think his theme is just being genuinely unhappy with his life at the moment.

Olivia Mossbacher: She's a college sophmore and has many moments where she calls out her parents questionable statements. She carries herself with a weird nonchalance where you'd think she's a mean girl but she's only ever expectedly mean to her brother. However, she brought along her friend Paula and we start to see that their friendship is built on some unspoken competition. The girls do tons of drugs on vacay until Armond gets his hands on them and breaks his 5 year sobriety. This is when and why shit starts to hit the fan. They know he stole the drugs but because everyone avoids admitting to having illegal drugs, no one is ever outright accused.

Paula: Olivia's poc friend, possible hypochondriac, and supplier of drugs, has secret rendezvous with one of the Hawaiian native resort workers. She refuses to say anything when asked about her nightly disappearances but Olivia knows why or for whom Paula keeps sneaking off. We learn that Paula doesn't want Olivia to know about her and her beau because Olivia always wants what she has. My theory is that this wouldn't be the first time Olivia has stolen a partner of hers and I think now because Paula isn't admitting to hooking up with this guy, Olivia is gonna steal him and use Paula's secrecy as a way of blame.

Quinn Mossbacher: Involuntary loner in my opinion. He comes off as a classic video game nerd, obsessed with the internet, cant live without his Switch and Fortnite. He doesn't have any friends and he takes all the teasing from Olivia and Paula without a fuss. But he starts sleeping on the beach alone and keeps running into these amazing sights to see. This is where we start to see him blossom and speak up. Its ever so slow but in episode 4 he actually walks up to a group of guys and introduces himself, interested in their boat related sport[?] (Or maybe even the guys themselves🤞) He's also the only one who knows about the Dad's affair and stupidly hints at it at the family dinner (he's just genuinely stupid).

Shane Patton: Also a resort guest and the funniest character to me. He's your run of the mill self-centered male Karen (Kevin if you will) and he arrives at the resort with his wife Rachel. They're on their honeymoon but so many moments make you question why in the hell did these two get married? He is in an unnecessarily one sided battle with Armond. First the resort accidentally downgrades his room. Armond gaslights Shane into thinking that he never purchased the bigger room. Shane gets a receipt. Armond tells him there's a German couple staying in the receipted room longer than Shane and his wife are there so the room will not be ready for them in time. Shane finds out the Germans are actually leaving wayy earlier. Armond apologizes and books them a romantic sunset dinner on a boat. The boat is actually a funeral where a strange grieving woman, named Tanya, fails to spread her mothers ashes in the sea. Shane confronts Armond and asks for Corperate's number. Armond creates a fake business card and when Shane realizes the number is fake, he bursts into Armond's office to find him rimming a coworker while high on Ketamine. Prediction: Armond's gonna get blackmailed for abuse of power in a classic Monicagate manner.

Rachel: Shane's wife. Rachel's a journalist who actually looked up to Nicole (her job as CEO of god knows what puts her in the public eye) but when she finally got to sit with Nicole over lunch, Nicole calls her out for writing an incredibly slut shamey article, claiming that Nicole used her femininity to get her where she is now. This is the first smack in the face that maybe journalism isn't for Rachel. Well that on top of the constant teasing from Shane about her career choices. Shane's family is much more wealthy than Rachel's and he always finds subtle ways to make it known. Shane also pays her no mind, flirting with Olivia and Paula and battling Armond. Even during their arguments (which happens too many times for newlyweds) Shane doesn't look at Rachel and just gives periodic "mhmm"s and "okay"s. Also Rachel hates the Mossbacher family simply because they all seem to be doing better than her.

Now for the boring ones

Tanya McQuoid: An eccentric resort guest (which is a polite way of saying, a weird ass person who is over polite and basically pushes herself into every other character's drama in the most unintentional way, she's also bad at reading the room) She comes off as calm and quiet but we find out that her mother recently passed and she's in Hawaii to spread her mothers ashes. She becomes creepily obsessed with the resort's massage parlor manager, Belinda, after a complimentary massage and suggests becoming a beneficiary so Belinda can open up her own massage parlor. Her "obsession" could possibly just stem from Belinda showing her an act of kindness during a hard time but I know I questioned Tanya's intentions for at least the first two episodes... In episode 4, some random dude, Greg, shows up and invites Tanya to dinner after "accidentally" mistaking her room door for his own. Tanya postpones a business meeting with Belinda so she and Greg can hook up that night. The presence of these characters feel a little out of place. Unlike the Newly Weds and the Mossbacher family, there is not a lot of plot overlap. Tanya will often pop up to converse with the others and brag about Balinda's skills but she doesn't cause any trouble. Tanya's also very wealthy so I definitely thing this "Greg" has some secret plot to take down Tanya or plant something or steal her cash and unfortunately I do not think Belinda will see anything bright in her future. Her plans will be left on the backburner which I say is unfortunate because she's a kind woc who is just trying to do her job and is clearly very skeptical about going into business with this strange, rich white, resort guest.

Honorable Mention

Lani: A Hawaiian native, trainee at the White Lotus. She shows up in episode one as her first day on the job. Later we find out she's also pregnant and goes into a premature labor on the job. She has her baby and disappears for the next three episode. Come back Lani, Armond has just started getting your name right!

Show Themes

The show does touch on conversations of race and class but I would not consider this a political show or one with an agenda (it's satire). I point out the characters of color here because their race becomes a device used to create tension but not in a Token POC kind of way. All the characters are rich and they are shamed for it by the show writers. By this I mean nobody is spitting in their faces and calling them Climate Killers but the choices the characters make, the things they say, and the way they act gives the viewer something to laugh at. Their ignorant entitlement juxtaposing with the beautiful Hawaiian beaches and tragic Hawaiian history creates an underlying experience of, look at these rich people not having a good time and they can't even realize why! As for the characters, there is plenty of time to sit back and question, is this character a good person, who's the real antagonist, how do these stories intertwine, who do we root for What story is attempting to be told here? What is the message!?

#the white lotus hbo #the white lotus #the white lotus hbomax #hbo max

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caranfindel · 3 years

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Take these broken wings and learn to fly (15.20 coda)

het, but Wincest-compatible | about 2300 words | PG-13 for language | characters: sam winchester, sam’s blurry wife |

Julia has been widowed (God, what an awful word, widowed) for three years when she meets Sam. It’s a work-based friendship at first. She’s kind of lonely and sad, he’s kind of lonely and sad, and they gravitate toward each other. And then one evening they’re at a bar, the last ones left from an after-work happy hour, both of them drinking more than they should, and she thinks he’s kind and thoughtful and smart and he may be 10 years older than me but he’s still hot as hell and I enjoy being with him and I look forward to seeing him and maybe I should just… and she kisses him. He’s shocked; shocked enough to confirm that he wasn’t just hanging around hoping to make it out of the friendzone. And then he’s holding her face in his hands and he’s kissing her too.

It’s good. They’re good together. It’s not the earth-shattering, all-encompassing romance she had with Shaun. Julia knows she’ll never have anything like that again. Most people don’t even get one soulmate in their lives; no one gets two. And she knows Sam doesn’t have that same desperate love that Shaun had for her; she knows she’ll never have his whole heart. (She knows the woman he intended to marry was killed in a fire, she knows another woman he loved went back to her ex. She doesn’t know which of these women still owns that last piece of Sam’s heart.) But she loves Sam, and he loves her, and they get married.

(The sex is amazing. Sometimes he’s gentle, almost reverent, as if he’s afraid he’ll break her, and other times he’s fierce and passionate and almost tries to break her, and she loves both ends of the spectrum.)

She suggests they melt down her old wedding band to make a new one. It was an heirloom from her grandmother, a plain wide band of yellow gold that she loves, that she thought she’d wear for the rest of her life. But Shaun is the one who put it on her finger the first time. It doesn’t seem right to ask Sam to accept it now. A new band from the old gold seems like a good compromise. No, Sam says, I couldn’t ask you to do that. I know a way we can make it ours. He has the inside of the band engraved with the same symbol he wears tattooed over his heart, and makes her promise to never take it off. Bad luck, he says.

He’s such a contradiction. Scary smart, but as superstitious as an Appalachian grandmother. Calm and unflappable, but with a weirdly hyperactive startle reflex. Kind and empathetic, but capable of extreme violence when pushed to his limits (seriously, don’t walk your drunk ass up to Sam Winchester’s wife and lay hands on her, and don’t get mouthy when she tells you to back off) and just really, frighteningly skilled at that violence.

(A little frightening and also very sexy. Julia’s always had a thing for the hero type.)

They both have nightmares. One night Julia watches Shaun’s face melting under his gear and wakes with a cry of horror. Sam holds her as she tearfully describes living on the knife edge of constant fear that comes with loving someone whose job is literally running into burning buildings. I know, he says, over and over, even though he can’t possibly know. The irony of their first loves both dying in flames is not lost on her, but it’s not like his college girlfriend was a firefighter. It’s not like he watched her go to work every day and prayed she’d make it home alive.

Julia’s pregnancy is a wonderful surprise. She and Shaun had tried for over a year before she was widowed, and she just didn’t count on it happening with Sam. They agree not to name the baby after anyone they’ve lost. Let’s not name him after our pain, she says, and Sam is okay with that. (Or he isn’t. But ever since she showed him the positive pregnancy test, she’s known she could ask him for anything. She’s known he would rip out his heart and serve it on a platter if she asked for it.)

But they haven’t decided on a name yet when her water breaks four weeks early. When their perfect baby boy is born at 12:10 a.m., the nurse announces the date and time and Sam looks up at her in shock and blinks away happy tears and says it’s the 24th. It’s my brother’s birthday. Julia is flying high on endorphins; she loves this baby and she loves this man and she even loves his dead brother she never got to meet, and she says it’s got to be a sign; let’s name him Dean.

She takes off her wedding ring, just this once, to have Dean’s birthdate engraved on the inside. Sam does the same with his own ring. He insists they go to a jeweler who will engrave while they wait, rather than leaving the rings there. She waves a hand at her lumpy postpartum body. You afraid someone’s gonna make a move on all this if you don’t keep a ring on it?

He laughs at her and says you’re onto me, even though he’s the one who needs to be locked away, still with that long lean runner’s body and the amazing shoulders and the goddamn dimples. I just don’t like us being without them, he says. He is a sweet, sentimental fool and she adores him. He bends down to kiss her, carefully maneuvering the baby he’s wearing in a sling, and Julia looks at this man and this baby and this life she didn’t think she was get to have and knows she’s happier than she has any right to be. And she’s relieved when Sam slips the ring back onto her finger, this ring imbued with the men she loves, so maybe he’s not the only sentimental fool.

(One thing she loves about Sam is that he understands why she feels guilty that Shaun didn’t get to share this life with her.)

In July they light a little candle for Dean’s six-month birthday. When Julia wakes the next morning, Sam’s side of the bed is empty and cold. She finds him cuddling their sleeping baby in the living room. I got up to give him a bottle, Sam says. I guess I just fell asleep out here. His red-rimmed eyes and empty coffee mug suggest he didn’t actually sleep at all, but, well. They’re both battling their own private demons. If a night cradling the baby gives Sam some peace for whatever reason, she’s glad of it.

Sam’s fierce love for their child takes her by surprise. If Julia has 90% of his heart, his son has 110%. He parents with a vengeance, is the only way she can think of to describe it. Like he’s making up for something. She doesn’t feel slighted, but it’s impossible to ignore that ever since Dean was born, Sam’s prime objective has been to make sure the boy is happy and safe. Everything else comes second.

(When she notices Sam has been carefully marking his tattoo symbol onto Dean’s clothing, hidden near seams and always in a color that almost matches the fabric, she decides not to say anything. He gets a little funny about his superstitions sometimes.)

Sam desperately wants Dean to have a sibling, and they try for another one, but it doesn’t happen. Julia reminds him that they’re lucky to have even one child. That having a sibling is not a lifetime guarantee of companionship and love. She should know, after all, since Stephanie cut her off after she married that asshole Scientologist and decided she couldn’t have a relationship with anyone who wasn’t also in their stupid cult.

Dean has plenty of friends and tons of activities, which Sam encourages with an almost religious fervor, but he never pulls away from his parents. They have so much in common, Sam and his son. Instead of rebelling as a teenager, Dean seems to grow even closer to his father. They spend hours together, paging through the ancient books in Sam’s study (she hates them, they smell musty and make her sneeze) or driving in the old Chevrolet. They even travel together sometimes, visiting those friends of Sam’s that live up north somewhere. Julia met them at the wedding and they were perfectly nice, thrilled to death that she and Sam had found each other. But she always feels like an outsider when they’re around, like they’re part of something she’ll never understand. So much history, with Sam and the brother she never got to meet. They absolutely dote on Dean though, and he seems to love them too, so the boys’ trip to Sioux Falls becomes an annual event.

(Dean is 14 years old when he comes home from one of these trips with his own version of the tattoo.)

When Julia is diagnosed with cancer, Dean is 16 years old. Sam does his best to ensure life goes on as normal for their son but somehow never neglects Julia’s needs. He throws himself into research and is always on top of the latest treatment, always at her elbow with the top internet-recommended remedy for her side effects, making sure both she and Dean have everything they want and need, all the attention and support they can tolerate. She doesn’t know when, or if, Sam actually sleeps. When she feels up for it, he arranges experiences for the three of them. A week lying on the beach, a weekend in New York City, a night in the mountains looking at the stars. When we look back on this time, he says, I don’t want us to only remember how much it sucked. I want us all to have good memories too.

(She doesn’t know why he’s concerned about her memories. There’s a good chance she won’t have much time to enjoy them. But it’s good for Dean. She doesn’t want this to ruin Dean’s childhood.)

Sam insists Dean go away to college as planned. Julia agrees, although she’s kind of surprised he’s willing to let the boy out of his sight. Aren’t you going to miss him? she asks.

So much, he answers. But this isn’t about me, and what I need. It’s about him. They drive Dean to school in the ancient Chevrolet. Supposedly because the trunk has room for all of his stuff, but Julia is pretty sure it’s just one last sentimental road trip in the old thing before Sam retires it. When they pick Dean up at the end of the school year, it’s in her SUV. Dean promises his father, more than once, that he’ll restore the Chevy someday.

Five years after Julia’s diagnosis, she’s sitting in the doctor’s office learning that her last remission was her last remission. There are no more options. She has months, not years. Sam clutches her hand and nods, once, as if to say I should have known this would happen; I should have expected something like this. Then he takes her home.

It’s a blessing in a way, he says late that night, after a little too much to drink. Knowing what’s coming. Having time to say goodbye. You don’t always get that. And yes, she knows this as well as anybody does.

Sam has always been supportive of her choice not to contact Stephanie, but one day he says Jules, I promise I’ll never bring it up again. It’s just that I don’t want you to have any regrets. I don’t want you miss the opportunity to say things that you’ll wish you’d said. Julia isn’t sure Steph will speak to her. She’s not even sure she’ll have the same phone number — they haven’t spoken since Dad’s funeral, a year after she was widowed — but she makes the call. And Steph answers. And cries. And comes to visit, where she hugs and cries some more. Sam watches it all with a sad smile for a while, then disappears into the garage to sit in the old Chevy.

When Julia takes her last conscious breaths, Dean is holding one hand and Sam is holding the other. She squeezes her son’s hand and thinks I love you, dear boy, and I’m sorry I have to leave you. She squeezes her husband’s hand and thinks thank you for giving me this, thank you for taking care of me, thank you for loving me and letting me love you. Then she closes her eyes and lets the soft, warm darkness take over.

And then. Then she wakes to a cool breeze and the sound of chirping birds. She’s standing at a lake she recognizes. It’s Shaun’s favorite fishing spot. And Shaun is there, waiting for her. And everything is okay.

Sam does show up eventually. Julia’s sitting on the porch of the cabin with Shaun, enjoying the perpetual nice day (sometimes a spring morning, sometimes a fall afternoon, but always nice) when she hears the familiar rumble. It cant be, she thinks. It can’t be that old car. But it is.

I’m glad you found someone with good taste in cars, Shaun says, as Sam unfolds himself from the driver’s seat. He looks exactly as he did the day she met him; no glasses, only a little grey at his temples. Still tall and strong and beautiful. She runs to meet him and embraces him as Shaun watches from the porch.

You found Shaun, Sam says. I’m so happy for you, Jules. I really am. He doesn’t seem to have any intention of joining her (their) Heaven permanently, but he doesn’t seem to have anyone else with him either. Where is the dead girlfriend? How is this fair?

They talk about Dean, and Julia’s heart swells with pride over her strong, smart, kind, brave son. He’s like you, she says. He’s just like you.

Sam shrugs. He’s a Winchester.

But what about you? she says. You’re not — you’re not alone here, are you?

Nah, he says. I’m good. I promise.

(Eventually Julia meets the first Dean, and she understands.)

===

I know a lot of people have mocked Sam's blurry wife, but I actually have grown to love the concept. Because it means she can be anything we want her to be. And yeah, initially I liked the idea of her being Dr. Cara, or Eileen. But now I don't think that would happen. I think Sam would have to start fresh to have that kind of relationship. And I also like the idea of Sam's wife having her own soulmate somewhere, waiting for her, so she's not a huge part of Sam and Dean's shared Heaven. I mean, they're gonna visit, obviously. And then they'll go home to their soulmates.

The title is from "Blackbird" by the Beatles.

#spn #15.20 #my fic #episode coda #sam winchester

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buckybarnesdollface · 3 years

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Mountainside: Chapter 2

Summary: Will sharing a bed change things?

Warnings: Female reader, SMUT, lots of smut, fluff, mentions of cancer and infertility

I awoke the next morning feeling as if I was wrapped in a warm cocoon. Bucky’s body was curled almost protectively around me, arm still secure around my waist. I could feel his warm, slow breaths on the back of my neck, and his Henley had ridden up my body so that his large, warm hand was pressed directly to the exposed flesh of my belly. My cheeks flushed and I tried to move, but his grasp tightened and pulled me even closer to him. He let out a soft groan, that had my entire body heated.

“Where are you going?” he mumbled, voice hoarse and low with sleep, and I bit my lip.

“I was gonna get up.”

“Listen.”

I wrinkled my nose. “What?”

“Listen,” he repeated, and I did. Outside the cabin the wind was howling, whipping through the trees and rattling the windowpanes. Once he was satisfied I’d heard what he wanted me to hear, he continued. “The storm started three hours ago; the snow’s likely to be heavy by now, and the power went out over an hour ago. Why rush to get out of bed? It’s not like there’s anything for us to do but sit and wait for the snow to stop so the team can come get us.”

“The power went out?” Sure enough, a glance at the black screen of the digital clock on the nightstand told me as much. I frowned, rolling onto my back. Bucky made no move to lift his arm, his hand still pleasantly warm on my stomach. When I turned my head to the side to look at him, he was also frowning, but his eyes were soft.

“Did you sleep well?” he asked, and I nodded.

“Very well,” I admitted, and a small smile touched his lips.

“Me too.”

My heart fluttered in spite of myself, and I tilted my head back to stare at the ceiling, focusing on keeping my breaths calm and even. Things were silent for a moment, and then Bucky spoke again.

“Last night, on the phone with Steve…” he started. “Are you really that upset about being stuck here? Because at dinner you seemed to agree that it was kind of nice.”

I sucked in a sharp breath, feeling my face redden. I hesitated before answering. “I’m not upset,” I finally said. “It is kind of nice being here. It’s just…”

“Just what?” Bucky prodded. I could feel his blue eyes watching me intensely, but I couldn’t bring myself to look at him. I was sure my face was as red as a tomato at this point. I took a deep breath, figuring it was better to be honest than try and come up with a story.

“When you said Natasha knows about this place – Have you…have you been here together?”

I felt stupid and pathetic as soon as the words came out of my mouth, but I had to know. It had been nagging me since yesterday evening. I peeked over at Bucky; his brow furrowed.

“No. This place used to belong to her sister, Yelena,” he explained. “I was on mission here in Austria last year and needed a place to lay low. Natasha suggested I stay at the cabin.” Bucky looked over to me, one dark eyebrow cocked. “Why do you ask?”

“No reason,” I mumbled. His words had eased the storm in me, and now I just wanted to drop it. Bucky, however, had other plans.

“Seriously, (Y/N), why do you ask?” he repeated, and then a slow grin spread over his face. “You were jealous!”

My face went white. “I was not!” I cried, my answer both too quick and too defensive to pass as the truth. Bucky’s grin was wicked as he sat up to lean on his elbow, the hand he still had on me pinching my side playfully. I squeaked and rolled away from him, and I would have rolled right off the bed had Bucky not caught me and pulled me back to him so that we were face-to-face. He was still grinning but it was warmer, eyes soft.

“You have nothing to be jealous of,” he chuckled. “Nothing has ever happened between Natasha and I, and nothing ever will.”

“I’m not jealous,” I grumbled, and Bucky smirked.

“Of course you’re not, doll,” he replied, and then he rolled away from me to stretch his arms above his head with a tired groan. “Well, since we’re awake, how about some coffee?”

“The power’s out,” I reminded him, and he snorted.

“You never heat a kettle over a fire, doll?” he asked. “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you were such a princess.”

With a mischievous grin, he rolled off the bed out of my reach before I could hit him. I threw a pillow at him, but he caught it one-handed and laughed.

“Easy, doll,” he chuckled. “You’re gonna pull your stitches if you get too wound up.”

Now that I was awake and sitting up, the aches and pains in my body were starting to resurface. My muscles were stiff and my arm was stinging, and I scrunched my nose. Seeing the change in my demeanour, Bucky slid open the drawer of the nightstand and dropped a bottle of Advil into my hand.

“Here, this’ll help,” he said. “I’ll go get the coffee started.”

I shook a couple of pills from the bottle and tipped my head back to swallow them. I leaned back against the headboard with a sigh, and then forced myself out of bed to follow Bucky to the kitchen.

Bucky was stoking the fire when I walked in. I went right to the window to assess how bad the storm was. The snow had already drifted against the side of the cabin, almost reaching the bottom of the window. The wind was relentless, swaying trees and whipping snow in every direction so it was hard to see anything but white. I pulled away from the window, just as Bucky set a couple of mugs on the counter and spooned some instant coffee into each of them.

“Steve wasn’t kidding about it being a bad storm,” I mused, and Bucky shook his head.

“This is just the beginning, too. It’s going to get much worse.”

The kettle started boiling, and Bucky grabbed it and brought it back to the counter, filling the mugs with the steaming water. He stirred two spoonfuls of sugar into mine, just the way I liked it, and then slid it across the counter to me.

“Thanks,” I murmured, letting the heated ceramic warm my hands. We sipped our coffee in silence for a few moments, the only sounds the crackling of the fire and the howling wind outside. It really was peaceful here, and I admitted as much.

“Yeah, it’s the kind of place you go when you want to get away,” he murmured, eyes fixed on the window over my shoulder. He met my gaze, a sad smile on his face. “Sometimes it’s too much, y’know? I mean, I know I’ve been living in the twenty-first century long enough now that I should be used to it, but I grew up in the thirties – We didn’t have cell phones, or computers, or the internet, or even a fraction of today’s technology. We didn’t feel the need to constantly know what’s happening in everyone’s lives, and we weren’t able to be reached by the single press of a button. Things were simpler…quieter. Being here reminds me of that.”

A smile tugged at my lips, and Bucky’s brow furrowed.

“What?” he asked. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

“I like it when you talk about yourself,” I told him. “Especially when you talk about your life before the war.”

Bucky snorted, but his cheeks were tinted pink. “Most people hate listening to old men ramble,” he pointed out, and I shook my head with a chuckle.

“You aren’t a typical old man,” I said. “And besides, it’s very rare to get any stories out of you. So when you do open up, it’s nice. It’s like getting to see a glimpse into the elusive mind of Bucky Barnes.”

Suddenly Bucky frowned, eyes casting down to stare at the mug in his hands. “You wouldn’t think it was so nice if you got more than a glimpse,” he mumbled. “I don’t open up because no one wants to see what’s underneath. The surface is safe, but anything deeper and you’re approaching dangerous territory.”

I pursed my lips; he looked so sullen. I reached across the counter to slip my hand over top of his, and he looked startled but he didn’t pull away. “The right person won’t be scared,” I murmured, and he shook his head.

“They should be. Most people are.”

“But not everyone.” I bit my lip, and Bucky swallowed hard as he held my eyes. The air was suddenly heavy, but the sound of a giant crack outside had us jumping. Bucky had rounded the island in a second, placing himself between the door and me. “What was that?” I asked warily.

“I don’t know,” he admitted. “I should go outside and check it out, though.”

My eyes widened. “Are you insane? It’s snowmageddon out there!” I cried. “Buck, you can’t go out there.”

“If there’s something out there, I have to take care of it,” he said, having made up his mind. He was already pulling on his boots. “Stay here. Lock the door behind me, and keep your gun close just in case. I’ll be back as soon as I can.” He zipped up his jacket and grabbed his pistol, and I frowned.

“Buck…? Be careful,” I said softly, and an unexpected grin flashed across his face.

“I’m always careful, doll,” he said, and then he pulled open the door. The wind blew flurries into the cabin, and Bucky turned to wink at me before he disappeared out into the blizzard.

I did as he said, locking the door behind him before grabbing my pistol from the shelf by the door. I tapped the grip with my fingertips restlessly, pacing the kitchen, my coffee forgotten. I couldn’t imagine anyone being out in this blizzard, but what if they were? What if HYDRA had found us, and Bucky was out in that storm trying to fight them off? Surely I would have heard gunfire by now if that were the case, though…

Minutes passed that felt like hours, and then there was someone pounding on the wooden door. I held my pistol, ready to aim just in case, and cautiously walked over to the door.

“(Y/N), it’s me!” Bucky shouted, pounding again. I could barely hear him over the roaring of the wind, but I quickly unlocked the door and wrenched it open, to reveal a very cold-looking Bucky. I stepped aside so he could come in, and then I was dusting the snow off his shoulders.

“So what was the noise?” I asked, and he frowned.

“The wind snapped a bough off one of the pine trees,” he replied as he shrugged out of his jacket. I took it and hung it off a hook.

“We aren’t going to have any trees coming down on the cabin, are we?” I asked. Bucky shook his head, snow falling to the floor.

“No, we’re safe in here.” He toed off his boots. “It’s wild out there. I haven’t seen a storm like this since my time in Siberia.”

His cheeks were ruddy from the cold, and ice crystals had accumulated on his eyelashes like tiny diamonds. His jacket had done little to protect him from the snow, as his shirt was as soaked as his pants.

“You’re covered in snow,” I griped. “Go change into some dry clothes. I’ll make some fresh coffee to warm you up.”

Bucky shot me a grateful look before heading to the bedroom. I heated the kettle back up over the fire and then poured two fresh cups of coffee. I handed Bucky his as he came back out to the kitchen.

“Thanks, doll,” he murmured. “At this rate, the snow’s gonna be halfway up the cabin before nightfall.”

“I’m just glad winters in New York aren’t like this,” I breathed. “God, can you imagine having to dig your way out every time it snows?”

Bucky nodded in agreement. “I don’t mind a little snow here and there, but I’ve spent enough time in Austria and Russia during the winter to last me a hundred lifetimes.”

I grinned. “Who’d have thought that the Winter Soldier would hate winter.” I teased, and he shrugged.

“You spend enough time living in the snow and ice and cold, with very little sunshine, and you’d hate it too.”

“That must be why you liked Wakanda so much.”

Bucky took a sip of his coffee. “I liked Wakanda mostly for the same reason I like it here – Things were simpler,” he said. “The city may be the most technologically-advanced in the world, but it’s surrounded by miles of farmland and plains. T’Challa let me live just outside the city, in my own little hut, and I farmed the land. I may have grown up in New York City, but farming in Wakanda and having no cares in the world was an absolute blessing.”

“It sounds perfect,” I admitted. “I’ve always wanted to see Wakanda; I’ve never been.”

“I’ll tell you what; I’ll take you with me the next time I go,” Bucky told me. “How’s that sound?”

“You’d do that?” I breathed, and Bucky nodded.

“Sure. You’ll love it. And I know you and Shuri would get along great.”

I grinned into my mug, cheeks pink. I couldn’t believe Bucky and I were making plans to travel together.

As the day wore on, the blizzard only got worse. The snow was already partly covering the windows, and I was thankful that I wasn’t claustrophobic. A quick search of the cabin revealed there wasn’t much to do here; Bucky redressed my arm with a new bandage, and then we heated some canned soup over the fire for lunch. I had found an old copy of Bram Stoker’s Dracula and had laid back on the couch to read it despite having already read it twice before, just to give me something to do. Bucky had sat on the floor, leaning against the armchair, with a piece of firewood and one of his knives. He had been whittling at the piece of wood for half an hour now, and I looked up from my book with a scrunched nose.

“What is it you’re making, anyway?” I asked. “Other than a mess of wood shavings, that is.”

Bucky looked up from what he was doing to give me a disparaging look. “You’ll see when it’s finished,” he replied, and I rolled my eyes dramatically.

“Fine,” I sighed, dragging out the word. “Where did you learn to do that, anyway?”

“My grandfather,” he replied. “He taught me when I was a kid. He used to make beautiful carvings, some as tall as me.” He grinned ruefully. “My knife skills have improved over the years – I was certainly no professional when I was younger.”

Seeing Bucky reminisce had quickly become one of my favourite things. I smiled. “Well I’m looking forward to seeing what you’ve made.”

It was another hour before Bucky finally set down his knife on the coffee table. I looked up from my book, curiosity winning over as I set the book on the table, and sat up straight. Almost hesitantly, Bucky set the little wooden figure in my hand. It was a little wolf, head raised in a howl. The details were intricate, right down to the fur patterns and the tiny teeth. My eyes widened in awe, and I shook my head as I met Bucky’s gaze.

“Bucky…” I breathed. “This is…this is beautiful. You’re so talented! How did I not know you were so talented?”

“It’s not something I go around advertising,” he mumbled, cheeks pink and expression bashful.

“Jesus, you and Steve never cease to amaze,” I said. “Steve with his drawing, and you with this. Wow. Shit. And here I thought Steve was the artistic one.”

“Steve is the artistic one,” Bucky told me. “He’s the one who took art classes in school. I focused more on baseball and boxing. This was just more of a hobby that I kept to myself.”

“Well you’re clearly more than meets the eye, Bucky Barnes,” I murmured, turning the wolf over in my hands in wonder. “This is amazing.”

“Keep it,” he said, and my eyes rounded.

“What?”

“Keep it,” he repeated with a shrug. “I want you to have it.”

“Thank you,” I breathed sincerely as I ran my fingertips over the surface. I looked up at Bucky with one eyebrow arched. “Just out of curiosity, why a wolf?”

Bucky’s lips quirked up, and his eyes glittered. “Back in Wakanda, the kids used to call me ‘Ingcuka Emhlophe’,” he explained, a fond expression on his face. “It means ‘White Wolf.’ I liked it a lot better than being referred to as ‘The Soldier’ or ‘The White Boy,’ so I never stopped the Wakandans from calling me White Wolf.”

“White Wolf?” I chuckled. “Because you were the only white guy in Wakanda?”

“Something like that,” he admitted with a small smile.

I grinned. “I like it. It suits you.” I looked down at the carved figurine again. “I really do love this, too. It’s like I’ll always have a little part of the White Wolf with me.”

A childlike grin took over Bucky’s face at my words, and he nodded. “Exactly,” he murmured, and in that moment, a bond was created between Bucky and I.

The temperature dropped when the sun went down, and the wind and snow hadn’t let up. We’d lit candles all over the cabin, both as a source of light and extra heat, and despite the storm raging outside it made the cabin feel pleasantly cozy.

“It feels like we should have a Christmas tree,” I murmured. “With the candles and the fire, it would be completely cozy.”

Bucky chuckled. “I could go out there and cut a tree down for you, doll, but we’d have nothing to decorate it with.”

“I love how you aren’t questioning why I’d want a Christmas tree in February.”

“Who wouldn’t want a Christmas tree in February?” Bucky replied. “Hell, Christmas year ‘round is something I could get behind.”

“So, Bucky Barnes loves Christmas,” I mused. “Add that to the mental file of things I’ve learned about you since getting stranded here.”

“We stay here any longer and you’ll officially know more about me than anyone but Steve,” he snorted, and I laughed.

“I think I already have that in the bag. For instance, how many people can say they know you’re a cuddler?”

Bucky’s eyes narrowed. “The hell I am –”

“You were snuggled right up to me all night, Barnes; don’t try to deny it.”

“I was keeping you warm,” he protested, and I smirked.

“And after I’d woken up and you held me tighter like you didn’t want me to get up?”

Bucky flushed crimson. “Tell anyone and I will make sure you get put on all the bullshit missions,” he mumbled, and I giggled.

“It was cute,” I assured him. “I wish more people knew that Bucky, instead of the tough and stoic Bucky you show the world.” My face softened. “I wish I knew that Bucky better. He might just be one of my new favourite people.”

“That Bucky doesn’t come out very often,” Bucky said, ducking his head. “Besides, he’s too soft. You can’t be soft in this line of business.”

I shook my head. “You’re always in a work frame of mind,” I accused. “Doesn’t it get exhausting?”

“Why do you think I was okay with being stranded here?”

We were silent for a minute, and then I bumped his arm playfully with mine. “Enough serious talk,” I said. “Come sit by the fire with me. I’m starting to get chilled.”

Bucky grinned and followed me to the living room. I took the fur blanket from the back of the couch and spread it over the hardwood floor in front of the hearth and settled onto it, my back leaning against the coffee table. Bucky settled down next to me, pulling a brown bottle from under the table.

“Look what I found earlier,” he said, holding it out to me. It was whiskey. I took the bottle from him with an eyebrow arched.

“You can’t even get drunk,” I pointed out, and he shrugged.

“Doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy it. It’s single-barrel and aged twelve years. This is top-shelf whiskey,” Bucky replied. “Open it and tell me it’s not smooth as hell.”

Tentatively, I unscrewed the cap and took a mouthful. It was strong but smooth, warming my belly almost immediately. I grinned as I handed the bottle back to Bucky. “It is pretty good,” I admitted. He took a swig and nodded.

We each downed another mouthful, and then Bucky turned his head to look at me with his head slightly cocked to the side. “You’ve gotten to learn a bunch about me,” he said, “but I want to hear about you. Tell me something about (Y/N) (Y/L/N) that no one knows.”

I wrinkled my nose. “I’m an open book.”

“Then you’ll have no trouble with this. C’mon, (Y/N), there must be something no one knows about you. Let’s hear it.”

Biting my lip, I gazed at the fire. I wasn’t sure if it was the whiskey buzzing in my veins or just how at-ease I felt right now, but when I opened my mouth the words came spilling out.

“I got married, when I was seventeen,” I admitted quietly, and Bucky’s eyes rounded. “When…when I was sixteen, I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. They caught it early enough that they could treat it with chemo, and we thought it had worked. But then it came back, and I got really sick really fast. My boyfriend at the time – Adam – was scared I wasn’t going to make it through the second round of chemo. We had made plans to go to Columbia together to study law.” I shook my head, sad smile on my face. “We were young and we thought we were in love, so we wanted to be married before…well, before I died.”

Bucky was looking at me with a mixture of shock, horror and respect. He shook his head, jaw agape. “(Y/N), I didn’t…I had no idea,” he breathed, and I chuckled.

“No one on the team knows,” I replied. “The only people that know are my family, and Adam and his family.”

“But you’re healthy now?” he asked, worry creasing his brow. I nodded.

“They ended up having to remove my ovaries because the chemo wasn’t working the second time, and they took out my uterus too, just to be safe. I still have check-ups every year to be safe, but I’ve been cancer-free ever since.”

“And…your marriage…” Bucky shifted uncomfortably. “Are you still…?”

“God, no,” I snorted. “As soon as it was clear that I was going to make a full recovery, Adam realized that seventeen was way too young to be married. He wanted to be able to explore his options at Columbia – That’s what he told me. ‘And besides,’ he’d said, ‘I eventually want to have kids someday, and you can’t give me that.’”

Even now, saying it left a bitter taste in my mouth. I scowled, taking a large swig of the whiskey. Bucky frowned.

“What is he doing now?”

The question caught me off-guard. “He’s a divorce lawyer in Manhattan, ironically enough,” I replied, and Bucky snorted.

“So he’ll be easy to find, then,” he said, and I eyed him skeptically.

“Why would that matter?”

“Because the Winter Soldier just might pay him a visit when we get back to New York.”

My eyes widened, and I leapt up onto my knees and shook my head vigorously. “Bucky, no,” I said. “Don’t you dare.”

“Relax, I was only gonna threaten him. Maybe rough him up a bit, y’know, scare him –”

“No. It was fourteen years ago, it’s in the past.” I grinned. “Besides, that asshole actually did me a favour – imagine if we were still married. I’d be absolutely miserable, in a loveless marriage and likely working as an underpaid lawyer. I would have never met Tony, or become an Avenger. And I wouldn’t be sitting here with you right now. So even though at the time Adam broke my heart, now I’m grateful for what he did.”

“I still think he deserves to have his ass kicked,” Bucky grumbled. He met my eyes, his gaze fierce but soft. “I underestimated you, (Y/N),” he murmured apologetically. “I knew you were tough, but…To go through what you did at such a young age, and then to have the one person you thought had your back abandon you like that, for selfish reasons…”

He shook his head, disgusted, and I chuckled. “Everything happens for a reason,” I said. “Honestly, the hardest thing to move on from out of the whole situation wasn’t the cancer or the divorce from Adam; it’s the knowledge that I will never be able to have children of my own.”

I glanced down at my hands, suddenly sad. Bucky had urged me to open up, and now that I had started, I couldn’t stop. I bit my lip to keep it from quivering.

“(Y/N), hey,” Bucky murmured, and then he was kneeling in front of me and taking a gentle hold of my chin to lift my gaze to his. He was frowning, but his eyes were soft. “Wanna know something else about me that no one knows?”

My lips twitched. “Another Bucky Barnes tidbit? Of course.”

Bucky’s smile was sad. “I can’t have kids either,” he told me. “After all the experimentation HYDRA did on me to try and copy the serum Irskine created for Steve, it…messed with things. At first it was just a suspicion, but…When I started getting my life back on track, I wanted to know for sure. I got them to run tests while I was in Wakanda, and the results confirmed my suspicions; the experiments had made me sterile.”

My heart sank, and I felt tears spring to my eyes. “Oh, Bucky…” I whispered, and then before I knew what I was doing I had thrown my arms around him and pressed my face to his chest. I had startled him; I could feel it in the way his body tensed. But then his arms wound around me and he smoothed my hair with a large hand.

“It’s funny,” he murmured, “how you never really realize you want something until you’re told you can’t have it. Steve was always the one who dreamed about settling down and having kids; I was always wanting to travel and see the world. But after everything I’ve been through, settling down with a family sounded nice. Of course, life had other plans.”

“You deserve so much more than life has given you,” I sniffed, pulling away from him. He reached up to brush his thumb across my cheekbone, catching a stray tear that had escaped, and smiled sadly.

“So do you, doll,” he murmured. “You’re an incredible woman – Kind, strong, smart, beautiful…Anyone that doesn’t see that is an idiot.”

My heart fluttered against my ribcage, and I bit my lip. His mouth was close enough that if I just tilted my head and leaned in…

No. I pulled back, and lifted the bottle of whiskey to my lips to down a large mouthful. That was a bad idea; a very bad idea. It was just the candles and the fire and the alcohol and the situation – I didn’t really want Bucky. Did I?

I cleared my throat. “I must be surrounded by idiots, then,” I joked, to ease the tension in the room. Bucky chuckled and settled back into the spot next to me.

“Men are dumb,” he said simply. “They were dumb a hundred years ago, and they’re dumb now. The only thing that’s changed is that now they have more ways to be dumb.”

I arched an eyebrow. “Are you speaking from experience?” I asked, and he shot me a rueful grin.

“I’ve done my fair share of dumb things when it comes to women,” he admitted. “My mother raised me to be a gentleman, and I had sisters so I knew how to act around girls. But sometimes none of that mattered and I still did something stupid to ruin things.” He shrugged. “No one is perfect, I guess.”

“I don’t know…From what Steve has said, you were pretty smooth with the ladies in your day,” I teased, and Bucky snorted.

“I could have gone on one date with one girl and Steve would have thought I was Casanova,” he deadpanned. “The poor kid couldn’t even talk to a dame without damn near having an asthma attack.”

The laughter bubbled from my chest before I could stop it. Bucky grinned, and I shook my head as I struggled to compose myself.

“Tell me Steve was wrong, though,” I insisted after a minute. “Tell me you weren’t the ladies’ man he makes you out to be.”

Bucky’s cheeks flushed, and he pursed his lips. “I’ve been with my fair share of girls,” he admitted with a shrug, and I nodded.

“I figured as much.”

“But,” he continued, “I was always good to them. I never treated them as objects, and things always ended on good terms. My mama raised me well.”

“I never suggested any different,” I told him, and his brow furrowed.

“Then why does it matter how many girls I’ve been with?”

“It doesn’t; I was just curious to see if Steve’s stories were true.”

Bucky was silent for a moment, and then he turned his head to the side to look at me. “(Y/N), can I ask you a question?”

I hesitated. “If you’re asking how many guys I’ve been with, a lady never tells,” I joked, trying once again to ease the tension in the air. Bucky’s lips twitched, but he shook his head.

“No, not that,” he said. He wet his lips before continuing. “Did it actually bother you to think Natasha and I had been here together?”

My stomach was in my throat. Bucky’s eyes searched mine, and I couldn’t pull my gaze away as I swallowed nervously. I couldn’t lie, though; the alcohol had my wits dulled, and he would detect a lie as soon as it came out of my mouth. Finally, I shrugged.

“I wasn’t thrilled about it,” I admitted, and he frowned.

“Why, though?”

This was where it got complicated, because I wasn’t entirely sure myself why it had bothered me so much. “I don’t know. She’s just so beautiful, and the two of you have so much in common, I…” I felt the heat creep up my neck to my face. “It just…it bothered me to think that the two of you had been here, maybe in a similar situation to the one we’re in, and maybe she got you to open up to her in a way no one else had been able to do. I hated the thought that the two of you are perfect for each other and that…that things happened, and that she likely knew you better than I ever would.”

By now, my cheeks were flaming. I had torn my gaze from his to stare instead at the fire, watching the flames like they were the only things holding me down. I had opened my big mouth, and now there was no going back. I felt embarrassed, pathetic and vulnerable, and part of me wished the flames would swallow me whole.

“That’s…a lot to unpack,” Bucky finally exhaled, and I buried my face in my hands.

“I’m sorry,” I groaned. “I shouldn’t have said anything…”

“The only thing you have to be sorry for, doll, is thinking that I would, in any scenario, choose Natasha over you.”

I froze, and then peeked through my fingers at him cautiously. He was watching me intensely, and I swallowed hard as I removed my hands from my face.

“What are you saying?” I asked quietly, and Bucky chuckled.

“I’m saying that, just as I’ve told everyone a thousand times before, Natasha is not my type. We’re almost too similar, in the wrong ways.” He shook his head. “I told you this morning that you had no reason to be jealous of her, doll. I meant it.”

My voice was small. “I had no right to be jealous,” I whispered. “It’s not like I expected anything to happen between you and I.”

“No?” Bucky had shifted his body to face me, and now he was looking at me with the same unreadable expression I’d seen on his face twice the day before. His flesh hand reached out to tug gently at the sleeve of my shirt – his shirt – as he wet his lips and looked back up to meet my eyes. “So you’re telling me,” he murmured, “that you have no idea what you’re doing to me, walking around here wearing my shirt?”

I tugged my bottom lip between my teeth. Bucky’s eyes were hooded, and I felt my whole body heating under his gaze. I swallowed before speaking.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know,” I breathed, voice barely above a whisper, and he shook his head.

“What did I tell you about apologizing, doll?” he told me. “I’m not mad. How can I be mad when you wear that shirt better than I ever could? It’s almost sinful, what it does to me, seeing you wearing my clothes.”

“So is that why you gave me the shirt in the first place?” I asked, feeling suddenly bold. Bucky’s eyes glittered.

“I gave it to you because you were turning into a popsicle and I knew my body heat would be trapped in the fabric and it would warm you up faster,” he replied with a chuckle. “In the moment, my thoughts had been about making you comfortable. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I’d let anything happen to you.”

My insides melted. “Did that concern for me come as concern for a teammate, or a friend…?” I asked. “Or…?”

“Or,” Bucky agreed, his own cheeks pink now. “Something else. Something more. Something I hadn’t been able to explain for weeks now, until the second I saw you with my shirt on.”

My brow furrowed. “Weeks?”

This time he ducked his head. “Remember that mission in São Paulo a few weeks ago?” he asked, and I nodded.

“The one where I jumped onto that school bus to save those kids?” I asked, and Bucky frowned.

“You mean the one where you almost died?”

“If I didn’t do something those kids would have died –”

“(Y/N), you were on a third-storey balcony and you jumped onto a moving bus whose hood was entirely engulfed in flames…” Bucky shook his head. “That’s not the point. The point is that when I saw you jump onto that bus, I swear to god my heart stopped. I mean, there’s the concern you feel for your teammates when they’re in a dangerous situation. But then there’s the heart-wrenching fear you get when you’re about to watch someone you care about get seriously hurt or even die. And when that thought crossed my mind, (Y/N) – the thought that I was about to lose you – I’d never felt more terrified for someone else in my entire life. And I couldn’t understand at the time why it mattered so much to me, but now…Now I get it.”

For a few seconds, the air hung heavy as neither of us spoke. The only sounds in the cabin were the howling of the wind outside, the crackling of the fire in the hearth, and our shallow and ragged breaths. I realized that my body had slowly, subconsciously gravitated closer to Bucky’s; our knees touched, and my hand was resting on his thigh. My eyes caught the way his gaze lingered on my lips before flicking up to meet mine, and before I could talk myself out of it, I was sitting up and capturing Bucky’s lips with mine.

There was no resistance as his soft lips moved against mine, hands on my waist to pull me into his lap. My legs straddled his hips, and my arms circled around his neck as his hands held tight to my waist. My tongue teased his bottom lip and his mouth yielded to mine, allowing me to explore the kiss deeper as his hands roamed across my back and pulled me closer to him. His lips broke from mine to trail down my jaw to my throat, where he nipped teasingly at the sensitive flesh. I tilted my head back to allow him better access, and as his mouth nipped and sucked at my throat, no doubt leaving his mark on me, his hands had slipped under the hem of his Henley to knead at my flesh. I let out a soft groan, and felt him grin against my neck.

“Y’know, doll,” he murmured, lifting his head to nip lightly at my earlobe, “as much as I like seeing you wearing my shirt, I think I’d like it even more if I got to take it off of you.”

I shivered, and then I was lifting my arms so Bucky could slowly tug the shirt over my head, revealing that I wasn’t wearing a bra. His gaze fell to my chest, eyes dark as his tongue darted out to wet his lips. I should have felt exposed, but the hunger with which he was regarding me with only had me dizzy with desire. He took his time admiring me, hands slowly roaming my curves, but avoiding my breasts purposely.

“God, you’re even more beautiful than I imagined,” he murmured, voice husky, and I took his face in my hands and pulled his mouth back to mine in a fierce kiss. My fingers ran through his hair and he sighed into my mouth, flesh hand sliding down my back to give my ass a playful squeeze. I squealed and he grinned wolfishly.

“Oh, this is gonna be fun,” he chuckled, and my body trembled in anticipation. When he leaned in to take one of my nipples into his mouth and suck lightly, I keened, fingers tangling in his hair.

“Bucky…” I whined, and he peppered soft kisses across my chest.

“Yeah, doll?” he murmured, hands massaging my hips as his mouth tended to my breasts. I let out a huff, trying to compose myself enough to speak. His touch already had me hazy, though, and it was difficult to form words.

“Too many clothes,” I finally managed to mumble, and he took the hint as he leaned back enough to yank the t-shirt over his head. My eyes dropped to his bare chest, and then my fingertips were tracing the dips and planes of his hard muscles. I could feel those muscles contracting under my touch, and when I reached his shoulder where metal met flesh I hesitated. Bucky scowled.

“It’s not pretty, I know,” he mumbled, and I pursed my lips. I pressed a quick kiss to his mouth before letting my lips ghost over the puckered skin on his shoulder. Bucky inhaled sharply, and when I reached down to thread my fingers through his vibranium ones and lift his hand to kiss his knuckles, he watched me with burning eyes and a slack jaw.

“There isn’t a single thing about you that could make me want you any less, Bucky Barnes,” I whispered, and then his free hand was cupping the back of my neck and pulling my mouth back to his. The kiss was slow, tender and deep, and I hugged my body tighter to his in an effort to be closer to him. In doing so, it put me in a position to feel the bulge in the front of Bucky’s sweatpants. I rocked my hips against his experimentally with the tiniest of whimpers when I was rewarded with the friction I craved, and Bucky’s breath hitched.

“Doll…” he rasped, hands tightening on my waist. I pulled back to meet his gaze with hooded eyes.

“Please…” I begged softly. “Bucky, please.”

I was fully aware of how desperate I sounded, but it was a shameless awareness. The need to feel his touch ran so deep it was practically an ache – An ache I desperately needed him to soothe. His eyes were black pools of lust as he looked at me, licking his lips as he contemplated his next move carefully.

“So needy, baby girl,” he murmured, fingertips teasing as they skimmed across my bare flesh. I shuddered and he grinned lazily. “God, the things I wanna do to you…You want me to touch you, doll?”

I nodded, unable to speak. Bucky’s eyes sparkled.

“Gonna take real good care of you, sweetheart, I promise. Gonna show you how a real man treats a woman as incredible as you.” He kissed the valley between my breasts, hands playing with the waistband of my sweatpants. I was on fire, between his words and his touch, and I was spiralling into a daze that I wasn’t sure I ever wanted to leave. “Is that what you want, doll?” Bucky murmured. “You want me to take care of that ache for you?”

I whimpered; was it that obvious I was aching for him? I could only nod meekly, but Bucky shook his head.

“Words, doll,” he said, gentle but firm. “I’m not doing a thing until I hear you say it.”

His voice was still husky, but his eyes were suddenly cautious, as if he wasn’t sure I actually wanted this. I frowned, in disbelief that even now he was letting his insecurities convince him he wasn’t the only thing in the world I wanted. I took his face firmly between my hands and held his gaze to mine.

“I want you to claim me as yours,” I whispered, “so that when anyone sees the two of us together, they know I belong to you and only you. I want you to fuck me so good that I can still feel you even after we’ve gotten back to New York.”

Bucky’s eyes darkened until just the thinnest ring of blue remained around his pupils. “Oh, fuck,” he choked out, and then he was laying me down as his mouth claimed mine in a searing kiss. The blanket was soft on the skin of my back, protecting against the chill of the hardwood underneath, but I wouldn’t care if I was laying outside in the snow if it meant Bucky would touch me.

His hands slowly – agonizingly – dragged the sweatpants from my hips. I let out a huff of frustration and he chuckled.

“Patience, darlin’,” he breathed. “I wanna take my time with you, but I promise I’ll make it all worth it.”

Bucky kissed his way up the inside of my leg and then down the other, purposely ignoring where I needed him the most. When his hands finally pushed my legs apart at the knees to expose me, I was a mess, biting my lip with my chest heaving. His eyes raked over my core hungrily before flashing up to my face.

“Fucking hell,” he rasped. “Look at you, doll; you’re dripping like honey.”

“All for you, Buck,” I said, breathless. “This is what you do to me.”

Bucky groaned, and then his fingers swiped through my folds. I gasped at the sudden contact, back arching off the floor, and the grin that stretched across his face was pure sin. Pulling my legs over his shoulders, he wrapped his arms loosely around my thighs and then licked a clean stripe up my slit. I cried out, back arching again, and his arms tugged my hips back down gently.

“Good girl,” he murmured, before his mouth went back to work. His tongue explored my folds, and then dipped into my entrance to gather my juices. I squeezed my eyes shut, hands fisting into the soft fur of the blanket beneath me as electricity buzzed through every nerve in my body. “Sweet as candy,” Bucky murmured into my flesh, and I keened.

When his lips wrapped around my clit and sucked, my hips bucked and I writhed in Bucky’s grasp. He let me shamelessly grind against his face for a few moments, but then his arms were firm as they pushed my hips back down to the blanket and held them there. His mouth continued its assault on my core, licking and sucking and nibbling until my chest was flushed and I was reduced to incoherent moans and whimpers. With my hips locked into place, I had to use my hands to direct his mouth. My fingers tangled in his hair, tugging on the dark locks to hold his face to me, and Bucky groaned into me, sending vibrations through my core that had a fresh wave of heat crash through me. I tugged harder, nails scraping his scalp, and he growled.

“Oh, you’re asking for it now,” he said in a low voice, and then he was teasing my entrance with not one, but two fingers. He pushed them into me slowly, watching my face for my reaction, and I moaned obscenely as he curled them and his knuckles brushed my walls. With a triumphant smirk, Bucky’s lips reattached to my clit as his thick fingers pumped in and out of me at an excruciatingly slow pace. My breaths were coming out in sharp rasps as I felt the coil in my belly tighten, teetering oh-so-close to the edge.

Bucky must have been able to tell I was close, because he added a third finger and grazed my clit lightly with his teeth. I cried out his name as he pushed me over the edge, eyes squeezed shut and hands curling into fists in his hair. He pulled out his fingers and helped me ride out my high with gentle licks and soft kisses, and when my body finally relaxed, boneless, against the blanket, he kissed his way up my body to press his lips to mine.

I tasted myself on his tongue, and I hummed delightedly. Bucky grinned into the kiss and nipped at my bottom lip playfully.

“I have never seen something more beautiful than you when you come undone, doll, fuck,” he breathed. “If I died right now, I would die a happy man.”

I giggled and pinched his side teasingly. “We’re not done yet,” I told him wryly, and then my hands were shoving Bucky’s sweatpants off his hips. He kicked them off impatiently, and my hand immediately wrapped around him. He grunted, and I felt the heat pool in my belly as I let out a soft whine – He was thick and hot and impossibly hard in my grip, and my walls were already clenching in anticipation.

I began to slide my hand up and down his shaft, and a low hiss escaped Bucky’s lips as his eyes fluttered shut. I tried to push him off me so I could trade my hand for my mouth, but Bucky shook his head.

“No,” he said gruffly, and my brow furrowed in confusion.

“What?”

I must have had a hurt look on my face, because his eyes widened and he was quick to press a tender kiss to my lips. “Oh, baby girl, no, it’s not like that,” he said quickly. “I would love to know how your mouth feels, trust me, but right now, my god, I need to be inside you so badly it hurts.”

“Oh…” I breathed, biting my lip. Bucky’s hand replaced mine on his length and he lined himself up with my entrance, teasing it with the tip. My breath hitched, and he looked at me imploringly.

“You sure about this?” he murmured, and instead of answering I rocked my hips against his, allowing him to slip fully inside me in one smooth stroke.

Bucky’s eyes rounded; I had surprised him. They quickly darkened as he let out a low groan, and I bit my lip, letting out a whine as he stretched me better than I’d ever been stretched before. Bucky held still for a moment, giving me time to adjust to his size and him time to compose himself.

I tilted my head up, lips searching for his, and he dipped his head to oblige me. When we broke apart, he rested his forehead against mine, breath hot against my face.

“Tell me when you’re ready,” he murmured.

“I’m ready,” I replied without hesitation. “Please, Buck…”

With a strangled groan, Bucky slowly slid out of me before pushing back in. I drew a shuddering breath, relishing in how full I felt with him inside me. The pace he set was languid and unhurried, and despite having been so desperate to feel him, now that we were joined, I was more than happy with slowing things down. There was no need to rush – We weren’t leaving the cabin anytime soon, which meant we had plenty of time to learn every inch of each other’s bodies.

Every languorous stroke was well-placed, hitting me in all the right spots until I was whimpering and entirely at Bucky’s mercy. I quickly came to the conclusion, though, that Bucky was just as much at my mercy as I was at his; I could feel it in every tender touch, kiss and thrust that he was all in – That this was more than just fuelled by desire. It had been a long time since someone had been so attentive to my body and my feelings, it made my heart swell.

“Look at me,” Bucky suddenly whispered. “Look at me, doll.”

I hadn’t even realized my eyes had been closed, and I blinked them open, only to have my breath catch in my throat. Bucky’s face hovered above mine, his eyes fixed on mine. I could see the fire dancing in his irises, casting golden streaks through the pools of blue; he had never been more breathtaking than he was right now. It wasn’t the colours in his eyes that had taken my breath away, though; it was the expression they held. Bucky, normally so closed-off and hard to read, was an entirely open book. His eyes held everything that his mouth couldn’t say – Trust, happiness, reverence, adoration…There was even something else there, something I dared not even put into thought for fear of ruining if before it could even begin. He was completely vulnerable, vulnerable for me, and I knew how big of a deal that was for him. With a lump in my throat and my heart fluttering wildly against my ribcage, I lifted a hand to brush my fingertips across his lips.

“James…” I said breathlessly. The use of his real name had him groaning softly, and then he was dipping his head to kiss me deeply. He snapped his hips into mine, still at the same slow pace, but with more force behind the strokes now. A breathy whine escaped my lips and Bucky pressed his forehead to mine, chest heaving as he fought to even his breathing.

“Eyes on me, doll,” he panted, rolling his hips into mine and earning another wanton moan. “I want to see you when you come apart around me.”

“Fuck…” I whimpered, forcing my eyes to remain open despite it being so natural for them to drift shut as the coil in my belly tightened. Bucky’s gaze was piercing, hungry, and unabashedly intimate as he fucked into me, slow and hard and so unbelievably good that the rest of the world – the storm still roaring outside, the knowledge that HYDRA was probably out there looking for us, our teammates back home planning to rescue us – melted away until it was just him and I, our bodies joined in the most profound and visceral way, energy buzzing from his body to mine and back again until it was impossible to tell where he ended and I began.

I reached my climax only seconds before Bucky did, brows knitting together as I struggled to keep my eyes on him, lips parted as I gasped sharply. Bucky’s eyes clouded over with pure, unadulterated desire, and then his hips stuttered and he was spilling into me with a groan that rumbled deep in his chest, his expression one of absolute bliss. His mouth found mine as we rode out our highs; the kiss was sloppy and lazy, both of us absolutely spent, but it was also sweet and tender. Bucky’s nose bumped mine affectionately, and then he was dipping his head to press his face to the juncture between my neck and shoulder.

My fingers carded idly through his damp hair for a handful of seconds, and he hummed contentedly. Then his arms circled under me and he rolled us over so he was on his back and I was sprawled across his chest, our legs tangled together and his softening member still inside me.

Neither of us said anything, but we didn’t have to; our bodies had already said everything that needed to be said. The wind still wailed outside, but the fire kept the cabin cozy, and the flames from the hearth and the candles bathed the room in a warm, golden glow. Bucky’s hand brushed through my hair before his fingertips swept down the naked expanse of my body, raising goosebumps on my flushed skin. I turned my head to press my lips to his heated chest, burying myself further in his embrace, and in this moment – skin-to-skin, curled up on a soft blanket by a crackling fire – I was more grateful than I ever thought I could be for a plane crash in the mountains in Austria.

#bucky barnes x reader #bucky x reader #bucky reader smut #smut #reader insert #fluff #mentions of cancer #infertility #insecure bucky barnes #cute #so much smut #james buchanan barnes #bucky barnes #mcu

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homeofhousechickens · 3 years

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Hello, I was wondering if you could help me out a bit. Maybe you know of something I don't. Internet is not helping and my vet does know a lot about chickens but not enough to know what is wrong.

I have a bantam that has an issue with a very bad itch. I checked the coop and there is nothing. Even treated for blood lice etc to be sure. Other chickens are fine. She had a blood test done and her poop has been examined. No parasites or weird stuff. She did have some feather mites last year but since she was treated for that I have not seen a single nit. I also treat preventative because we have a lot of wild birds here that carry all sorts of stuff.

But she is constantly cleaning and scratching herself. So much so that almost all feathers on her neck and some on her head have broken off and she has scratch wounds underneath her eyes and next to her beak. She keeps falling over from scratching so much.

I'm getting a little desperate because she's obviously not very happy right now. She still lays eggs once a day and eats and drinks. But it's just weird.

One thing I noticed only because I have allergies myself, whenever there is a lot of pollen in the air she is itching worse than normal. Have you ever heard of a chicken with an allergy for pollen?

Has she had a skin scrape and culture done? Has she been on antifungals or given more then one permethrin dip? To be honest it sounds like this is depluming scabies which burrow under a chickens a skin and give birth to live young (so they dont lay eggs) they need to be treated with oral medication and dips and repeated after 8 days to break their life cycle. The coop, run, and nest boxes should be treated as well if mites are the cause.

This product specifically can help her soothe her skin regardless of the cause The measurement is about a teaspoon added to the chickens bath water, lather the chicken in the water and let them soak for around 15 minutes. Make sure to get every part of the chickens body without getting any in the eyes of mouth. Then rinse the chicken off half assed so it still has some of the shampoo water on it then carefully towel dry then blow dry. A skin scrape and culture is important because alot of things can cause those symptoms. Cancer,Heavy metal poisoning, parasites, bacteria, and fungal are all possible reasons for this (yeast especially can make chickens pluck). If she is self mutilating she should be separated from the other chickens as they will eventually notice and start making her wounds worse. (If you bring her indoors you will also be able to see if she improves away from potential allergens as well) You can ask your vet about what i have mentioned above, I highly suggest getting your bird pain medication prescribed by your vet (Carprofen and Metacam for example) intill you can find the cause. The vet may also be able to give you a steroid or something similar to help with any possible inflammation or immune response she is having right now. Finally if you cant figure out what is wrong with your hen and she isnt managed by medication it may be kinder to put her down as a chicken who self plucks will usually eventually be attacked by their flock mates and in general will be alot more stressed. If this illness is fungal in nature its also important to take into account why this chicken specifically got sick as skin fungal infections are pretty uncommon in healthy chickens and are more common in birds who have had their immune system comprised one way or another.

#ask #chicken medical #mites

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cosmic-navel-gazin · 4 years

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In which I chronicle my Legacy of Kain journey and bridge it with your boy Adam Warlock! (Part 5 of many, and MASSIVE, I MEAN, HUMOUNGOUS SPOILERS for Soul Reaver 2 and the 1970’s Warlock)

Awwwwwwwww yeah we are going there, these compositions are most definitely on purpose.

This is where I realize that my true purpose in this world is to draw and talk about obscure or forgotten works of fiction, and I embrace this destiny.

Ladies and gents, laughing times are over (not really though), sh*t gets very real again.

I guess it’s a bit late for this but if you have even the slightest interest in checking any of these properties out, do yourself a favor and go experience them first hand. If you just want to see me lose my mind and don’t really care about spoilers then please, proceed.

You know, when I started this little crossover of sorts, I was just having a laugh you know? It was just a cute little thing, I’ll write this one post and maybe I’ll get enough material for a second one and that’s it. THIS IS THE SEVENTH POST (even though it says Part 5).

Never, and I do mean never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be here one day, talking about having your past and your time-travelling-future selves meet and clash, of seeing your sanctimonious attitude and overall the worst about yourself personified and given free reign to go on bloodthirsty crusades showing off how much of a hypocrite you’ve bee- but wait, I am getting a bit ahead of myself.

I’ll get there I promise, let’s go back a bit.

Where we last left off, we managed to travel back to an even more distant past than we’ve been before. To the time of the great Vampire Purge, so that Raziel can meet this infamous ancient vampire who knows all the lore and might have the answers we seek on what exactly is causing the corruption of our world.

As we step out into this era of History we notice the fields covered with the Sarafan Order banners, and the impaled corpses and chopped-off heads of vampires. No different no doubt from the kindness vampires showed mankind later when they gained the upper hand during Kain’s 1.000 year old reign. Raziel seems a bit distraught by the sight since he assumed the Sarafan to be virtuous and heroic:

“For all the butchery of Moebius’s crusade, this massacre was somehow more chilling. The killing fields of the Sarafan betrayed a kind of orderly ruthlessness, the cold-blooded righteousness of the true believer.”

“Here at last in the flesh, I beheld my former brothers-in-arms, the warrior-priests of the Sarafan order; their lives devoted solely to the annihilation of the vampire plague. And while I confess I felt a twinge of longing, a pang of grief for what I had believed was my lost virtue, I regarded them now with none of the reverence I formally felt. For I had seen the human face of the vampires, and now I beheld the monstrousness of these men.”

While on the topic of genocidal holy wars, my boy Adam here had a bit of a run with a similar pious little group that goes by the name of Universal Church of Truth, who were going about doing a bit of cleaning throughout the galaxy:

Things don’t go so well:

Interestingly enough, I’ve learned of a deleted cutscene for Soul Reaver 2 that plays out very similarly to Adam’s first encounter with this “holy” order. There was this minor female vampire character that was being hunted down and would be executed by vampire hunters right in front of Raziel.

This scene was probably removed because they knew that almost 20 years later there would be some asshole on the internet trying to compare their games to obscure marvel comics of the 70’s.

But yeah bummer for Adam here, we’re a couple of pages in and he’s already failed to save someone. However, through the power of the Soul Gem, he’s able to retain her soul for a brief moment, letting us know more about these holy inquisitors:

Some of these methods don’t seem that far off from the Sarafan, especially on the twisting of good intentions part, but on a galactic scale:

Aye, a great bunch o’ fellas all around, if you submit and “fit in”:

Damn.

Hush Adam, I’ll get back to your predicament give me a moment. I just want the good people at home to keep both this church and the Magus, the god they worship in mind for later.

Now, back to the game. In the Sarafan Stronghold during the first hour of gameplay, Raziel made comments on the vampire he’s currently seeking while looking at some stained glass depictions:

“So this was the legendary Janos Audron - reputed to have been the most ancient and diabolical vampire to have ever existed. According to folklore, he lived high in the cliffs of Nosgoth’s northern mountains, and preyed mercilessly on the defenseless villagers below. His reign of terror ended when the Sarafan finally hunted him down and tore his throbbing heart from his still-living body. (…) But I wondered - could Janos Audron truly have been as monstrous as depicted here? Or was this merely artistic licence by the Sarafan, who sought to lionize themselves by demonizing their darkest enemy?

Keep these stained glass images in mind, they’ll also be important shortly. Neetheless to say, the hype was very real to meet this Janos Audron.

And as I kept hearing about this gentleman, I thought: “I really love this cast of pricks, where everyone speaks in half truths and is hiding something and has some hidden agenda, but you know, I kind of wish there was some slim ray of hope, of goodness and honor, just some good old plain chivalry and honesty. Maybe this Janos lad won’t be as bad as he was depicted back in the Sarafan Stronghold.”

It took us a while but we’re finally make it to his retreat.

I really love the entire segment, the hopelessness and feeling of dread while making your way through this place, probably my favourite puzzle area of the game. I also really love the music and architecture here.

When we do make it to the top, BOY OH BOY were my prayers answered!

Lo and behold, enter Raziel’s new daddy/mentor figure, my man JANOS AUDRON! Proabably the one decent and kind creature I’ve seen yet in these games (if you don’t count helpless human npcs who are just trying to live their lives but are caught in all these wars, slaughter and destruction).

FINALLY an understanding, moderate, compassionate man in the midst of all the lies and deception. I love him! Oh and he has what seems to be a Romanian accent. Maybe a nod to the granddaddy of all vampires: Dracula? I think his design is cool as well, so that helps.

Before we go into huge lore dumps and while on the topic of having a brief father/mentor figure for your protagonist when he’s utterly lost, alone and confused, I thought I’d bridge it with Adam’s own once foster parent, the High Evolutionary:

From the few minutes you get to know these dads they’re very different characters with different backstories and motivations. Janos is this sad lonely old man, the last of the ancient vampires and one who has been keeping himself alive solely for his sense of duty.

While the High Evolutionary was once a man called Herbert Wyndham who performed an experiment that evolved him into a godlike being. This experience proved to be such an assault on his senses and perceptions that he chose to encase himself in this armour. Like the name suggests he is obsessed with genetic manipulation and tampering of various kinds, it is his life’s ambition.

Despite his somewhat villainous appearance, he’s never portrayed as such from what little I’ve read, he’s just…a bit creepy. Like, he takes Adam in and is super stoked about adopting him, but he also values him not so much as a person per se as you and me would, but more as one would value an impressivly carved piece of work:

I don’t know, maybe it’s his metal face that doesn’t emote much; his sometimes questionable morality; maybe it’s the fact that Adam was 5 years old at this point, a baby boy, and this pink armoured deity is super hyped about him; there’s something a bit unsettling about this guy. Have some more dubious quotes I’ve stumbled upon:

All in all, I think he did care about him, in his own strange way:

Anyway, what’s important is that these adoptive dads serve a somewhat similar purpose, and that is to push/urge our ”“”“"heroes”“”“” (I say with many quotation marks) into a more benevolant role: to guide them in their messianic mission and save a corrupted world. Basically there to provide a chance for them to be good boys. Up until now their track record leaves much to be desired, and they’ve been quite lost on what they’re supposed to be and do.

Raziel:

“So it’s all true, then - what Kain and Vorador have told me - I really am some kind of unholy vampire messiah…”

Janos:

“Unholy? -no. Messiah… perhaps.”

Raziel:

“I don’t like that word - it smells of martyrdom.”

Janos:

“Raziel, your role in this world’s destiny is more crucial - and more benevolent - than you’ve allowed yourself to believe. Your journey will not be easy - dark powers are allied against you.”

Oh and both dads give their sons their toys (Soul Reaver and Soul Gem):

Back to the meeting with Janos, we finally learn tons of things, both new and others that have been hinted at throughout, namely:

Janos has been living a life of a recluse, alone, on top of the Aerie;

Janos knows of Raziel (some old legend I think) and has been waiting for him to hand him over the Soul Reaver, saying it is the key to save Nosgoth;

The Pillars of Nosgoth were erected by the ancient vampires and they were the rightful guardians. Janos was called to be th 10th guardian, the Keeper of the Reaver;

Over time this ancient race started to die out, with their history slowly being forgotten;

Humanity prospered and since the Pillars choose their guardians from birth and vampires were no longer born, humans were called to be their guardians but were “wholly ignorant of their true purpose.”

The Circle of human guardians is led to believe (by whom we do not yet know) that vampires are a cancer in the world. Janos warns that “with their vampire purge, the members of the Circle have assaulted the very architects of the Pillars they are sworn to protect (…) With every vampire they kill, the humans are slitting their own throats.”

Janos being a cool level-headed guy here when Raziel says he must hate mankind for all the suffering they’ve brought to him:

“They fear what they don’t understand; and they despise what they fear. But no - I do not hate them.”

I find it funny how Raziel asks if humanity should be forgiven for trying to exterminate the vampire kind and doesn’t realize that: one, he himself was exterminating vampires just a couple of moments ago back in SR1; and two, how he is just like how Janos describes humanity to be:

“They don’t understand what they’re doing. They are simply unenlightened… and vulnerable to manipulation.”

Again, this last line, completely unlike a certain blue shambling corpse I know. Not like him AT ALL.

Then, as they head inside, we learn something odd as Janos presents Raziel with the Reaver. You see, the two times Raziel has been close to the Soul Reaver still in its physical form, reality started to bend and distort (I show it off in this previous post).

When we met Kain and decided not to kill him, he explained that when: “two incarnations of the blade meet in time and space, a paradox is created, a temporal distortion powerful enough to derail history”

This distortion, or sense of displacement however, is nowhere to be found now when Janos presents the blade to him. Raziel feels nothing and says that “this nothingness is somehow worse…” and to get it away from him.

We learn the Reaver was forged by the same ancient vampire race that erected the Pillars (which we’ve seen hinted at when we explored the land and came accross all sorts of old murals).

But now THIS is when the game first impales me through the heart.

Me and Janos are interrupted by the Sarafan warriors who arrive carrying Moebius’ Staff (which disables vampires to the point of being barely able to move at all).

And of course! OF COURSE! Of course the moment my boy Raziel finds a truly positive influence in his life to guide and enlinghten him, and that was willing to put himself in danger in order to save him… he is axed! HEART RIPPED FROM HIS CHEST!

And by whom you ask? Who would do such a deed and kill my last ray of hope?

WHY, ME!

TWICE!

“Me” because I was the one to open an entrance to Janos’ up until then impenetrable retreat, and literally me: human Raziel of the Sarafan that lived during this time period and was head inquisitor!

A bit different from what was depicted back at the Sarafan Stronghold, we found several centuries later (putting the same image here again so you don’t have to scroll up to compare, am I swell or what?):

The Sarafan escape with Janos’ heart and the Reaver, while wraith Raziel has a final moment with Janos.

This part destroys me:

Raziel:

“Forgive me; I’m sorry… I failed you.”

Janos: (gently)

“No, Raziel. Perhaps this was my true purpose - simply to save your life this once.”

Raziel: (distraught)

“While I have taken yours…”

That last bit is probably my favourite line-read in the entire series so far (which is the most impossible thing to choose since there are so many great ones). But I think it’s the overwhelming sadness in Raziel’s voice that makes it memorable, you’ve never seen him feel like this for another creature.

Breaks my stone hardened heart every time I listen to it. And here’s why I think it’s an effective emotional scene, even though we only get a few minutes with Janos before he is murdered - it is because of contrast. Up until now everyone you meet is some degree of a bad or manipulative person, and you don’t really have a true friend or someone to confide in, there’s no one that really brings out the best in Raziel and it sucks because there is potential there. So when you introduce the apparently only decent and noble person in this god forsaken land and you’re so used to by now suspect and mistrust everyone, it is impactful because he was truth and honesty in a sea of deception and moral relativism. He was my light in the midst of the fog and the one who saw good in me. And right when you’re finally relaxing and getting confortable the game pulls the rug from under you.

Now, while on the topic of having your past and future meet, there was a little something about the meeting between Adam and the Universal Church of Truth that I’ve been saving up until now. If you remember, Adam was interrogating the young woman who was killed by the inquisitors about the church and the god they worship. When suddenly:

Good news is, Adam must’ve taken a left turn somewhere and ended up on the set for “Monty Python’s Life of Brian”, where he learned some latin:

This helped him quickly figure out the Magus’ identity:

Learn your dead tongues kids, you never know when it might come in handy when meeting your time travelling, thousands of years old future-self:

So as you can se, we have a similar self-discovery journey going on but reversed in a way. In Raziel’s case you play as his future self, who time travels back in time, meets his past self and sees what a hypocrite he’s been his entire life. In Adam’s case you follow his present self, who meets the Magus (his future self), who has travelled back in time 5.000 years, in which time he has built his empire. Meeting and confronting said empire/future self, leads Adam to see what a hypocrite he’s been his entire life. You see, both Adam and Raziel have always been their own worst enemy (their own shortcomings and character flaws). So it would be only natural that we get embodiments of the worst in them: Raziel, the human Sarafan Warrior and the Magus, their past and future selves respectively.

Oof, this was a long one, and I’ve reach the character limit. In the next post I’ll elaborate more on their characters and different selves; and we go through the roller-coaster of emotions that is the endgame for both these stories.

Look foward to me losing my mind even further while I go into time travelling, paradox shenanigans… oh, and look foward to happier times with COSMIC SUICIDE! See you in the near future.

#the infinity legacy #legacy of kain #soul reaver 2 #raziel #adam warlock #the magus #marvel comics #marvel cosmic #this post drained my spirit #my fan art

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gdwessel · 3 years

Text

Rumors About Ospreay + Unrest In The NJPW Locker Room; Government Adds Okinawa to State Of Emergency, Another Extension Possible; Quick Review of DSOTR Collision In Korea; Shota Umino News!; Ren Narita on Dark Elevation; Satoshi Kojima In Impact Next Week

Strap in because this is going to be a long one.

There are rumors and reports coming out now (mostly from one source, the Voices of Wrestling website, from behind a Patreon paywall) that Will Ospreay's injury may not be what it seems, and there is growing discontent to the point of "mutiny" among the non-Japanese wrestlers regarding the state of emergency, the last-minute decision to resume touring when some were already travelling out of Japan, and the constant need for quarantining when coming back into Japan. Unfortunately this is as much as I can say, because this is behind a paywall, so until it gets made for public consumption I’m kinda limited in what I can say.

I can totally buy that all is not well within NJPW, especially after the COVID-19 bubble has burst. I've already discussed the creative malaise happening in the company right now. That there seems to be backstage dissent shows possible signs of trouble ahead for the promotion, and this golden period that we've been accustomed to is well and truly over. (I mean, it already was once lockdown happened, but they did the best they could, in my honest opinion, including a Pretty Good if not great WK15. Right now, creatively, we are below 2nd-half 2018 levels of poor.) But NJPW has weathered these storms before, although not with a global pandemic looming over everything. I am willing to give them the benefit of the doubt that Ospreay is indeed injured, because a) they haven't exactly been shy about wrestlers being injured and needing to vacate titles before b) if Ospreay is legit injured, he is far more likely to receive treatment as a citizen of the UK from the (somehow still alive if not totally hobbled by Brexit) NHS, as opposed to Japan's healthcare system which is far more like the US model. Some wrestlers are swearing up and down he is injured, from the rumors. Ospreay certainly hasn’t said anything in his own words, beyond RTing NJPW’s announcement of his injury and vacating the title, and posting a pic of himself kissing the belt. RevPro kinda sorta said something but were also pretty vague. But for an injury suffered on 5/4/2021, this pic posted on 5/18 does not look like someone who just had such a severe neck injury they need to fly back to the UK (mind you, it COULD have been taken much earlier than that). Indeed, Ospreay’s still-active Twitter is more focused on Hana Kimura at the moment*. All this said, professional wrestling by it’s very nature has a baked-in amount of bullshit as part of it, so that this injury might be phony is always a distinct possibility.

It is utterly believable there is conflict between wrestlers and management, and communication is piss-poor at best. It is also believable that NJPW and Bushiroad are only taking their cues from a government Hell-bent on holding an Olympics an overwhelming majority of those polled are against, and who are treating the extended state of emergency as a vague suggestion rather than as a, you know, state of emergency. Pretending everything is hunky dory hasn't worked so far, so not sure why NJPW, nor the Japanese government, think eventually it will. (And NOAH is on my shit list right now too.) On that note, the government has now officially added Okinawa to the state of emergency. There is also talk that it will be extended further, as a government subcommittee member is quoted in the article as saying “it is difficult to think” that it will be lifted on 5/31/2021. Among that talk is word that Tokyo particularly will be under a stricter lockdown if this goes on. On a piece of actual GOOD news, it has been announced that the government has approved both the Moderna and AstraZeneca versions of the vaccine, so perhaps the vaccination rates will start to go up at last.

* - The anniversary of Hana Kimura’s tragic death is tomorrow (5/23/2021). I still sometimes struggle with the idea she is gone. Tonight at 10:30pm EDT (which is 5/23/2021 12:30pm in JST), FITE TV will be showing a live Hana Kimura tribute show put on by her mother, Kiyoko Kimura. Have a look in if you can

I was able to watch the Vice Dark Side Of The Ring episode on Collision in Korea, the two-night joint NJPW & WCW show from May Day Stadium in Pyongyang, North Korea, on 4/28 & 4/29/1995, as it aired Thursday. It will hit YouTube here pretty soon. I am working on a podcast project about this documentary, and the (WCW version of the**) show itself, with the good lads at the Days Of Thunder podcast, so I won't talk too much here, but I will say a few things about it:

I did appreciate the detail here, as well as being able to get an interview with Antonio Inoki for this, especially as he was the principal driver of this show happening. I did also like that they took time to detail Inoki's mentor, and the "father of puroresu," Rikidozan, who himself was a North Korean national by birth. I did not appreciate the mythical pathos they added to the death of Rikidozan, which by all accounts was a random street fight with yakuza over a perceived insult (stepping on Rikidozan's shoe). I also felt they could have done a better job explaining the situation between Japan and North Korea at the time. When the event was first proposed to the NJPW roster, Scott Norton recounts Masahiro Chono telling Norton that "they want us dead," but it took until introducing former CNN foreign correspondent Mike Chinoy nearly halfway through the documentary to (briefly) explain the brutal colonialism that Japan wreaked on North Korea in the first part of the 20th century.

Also, as salacious as DSOTR can get, I am very surprised one of the most famous rumors/stories about this show did not get discussed, the internet wrestling legend that Kensuke Sasaki and Akira Hokuto were, erm, Quite Vocal when they were together, which of course did eventually lead to their marriage four months later which continues to this very day. But that was also part of another critique I had, which is, they mainly focused on the WCW part of the events, when this was an NJPW promoted show. The way it was told on DSOTR, the only Japanese wrestlers there were Antonio Inoki, Shinya Hashimoto, Akira Hokuto and Bull Nakano. I'd love to hear more from the NJPW side of things, besides how proud Inoki was of this political stunt that did not get him re-elected to the Diet anyway.

Overall, I do recommend watching this when and how you can, because it is absolutely bonkers. I will definitely keep you posted on when the podcast project for this drops. ** - I've tried looking for the NJPW version and have failed so far. NJPWWorld only has two matches from this, Antonio Inoki v. Ric Flair, and Akira Hokuto v. Bull Nakano. The WCW version is not officially released, even on WWE Network, so yeah search the internet to see it.

We finally have an update on Shooter! That is, Shota Umino. Earlier in the week, RevPro's official Twitter had a tweet saying This Summer, showing Umino in not only his white/pink Tanahashi-esque tights, but holding his Death Riders jacket from Jon Moxley, that Shota retweeted, making this his first tweet since September 2019. Two days later, a hype video appeared with footage of Shooter, including performing Death Rider. Now a Sports Illustrated article is claiming that Shooter was supposed to have reunited with Mox on the NJPW Strong episode that had Mox & Chris Dickinson face Yuji Nagata & Ren Narita, but Umino had an unspecified injury preventing that. (They further say that Mox v. Nagata’s IWGP US title match was originally set for Strong but Tony Khan convinced NJPW to hold it on AEW Dynamite.) Umino's last match listed on Cagematch was on 3/14/2020 in ATTACK! Wrestling in Cardiff, Wales, on the winning side of a 6-man tag match with Kyle Fletcher & Kid Lykos II defeating Shigehiro Irie, Chief Deupty Dunne & Los Federales Santos, Jr. It's great to have him back wrestling again, and I hope we get that reunion with Moxley soon enough too.

As an update to an item from an earlier post, it appears that the Ren Narita v. Royce Isaacs match that was teased but then not aired on AEW Dark this past Tuesday will actually be on AEW Dark: Elevation this coming Monday instead. Also part of that will be approximately 35 other matches (I only slightly kid), one of those being Rocky Romero v. JD Drake. This usually drops on YouTube at 7pm EDT / 6pm CDT Mondays.

This past Thursday on Impact, a video package showed that Satoshi Kojima would be appearing on next week's episode. This will be Kojima's first time ever wrestling in Impact under any name, as the last time NJPW and TNA were working together, Kojima was still away in All Japan Pro Wrestling. No word as to what he will be doing or whom he will be wrestling.

Also on Impact, Juice Robinson & David Finlay Jr. successfully defended the Impact World Tag Team titles against Ace Austin & Madman Fulton... before getting blindsided by two members of the Violent By Design unit (in this case, ECW veteran Rhino and former AJPW Triple Crown champion + cancer beater Joe Doering) with whatever Impact's version of a Anytime Anywhere Challenge is, and took the belts from FinJuice. They claimed FinJuice were going back to Japan, but, erm, who knows if that's the case or if it was for a time period when Wrestle Grand Slam was still a thing that was happening.

Also also, it seems Don Callis is no longer in any executive capacity at Impact. This is a little significant as it seems it was Callis who opened the negotiations back up for Impact to work with NJPW. Of course, lately he's spent more time as an on-screen heel manager for Kenny Omega, the Good Brothers and now the Young Bucks on both AEW and Impact programming. We'll see how much longer Kenny Omega's belt collector shtick goes on for with Callis no longer part of creative or management.

And that is actually it for now! Yipes!

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