#BUT LIKE AGAIN im not even helping anyone with this??????
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BEHIND BARS
A/N: this fic is my coping mechanism with my own shit and im more than eager to read your thoughts, because it would help me knowing im not alone with these thoughts. so this one goes out to all the big girlies who struggle with loving themselves!
WORD COUNT: 9k
WARNING: sexual content
SUMMARY: You get stood up by your Tinder date, but at the same time you run into a man who works at the bar and seems to be into you. Or that's what you think when you read his message he wrote to your receipt, asking you to return to the bar the next day.
MASTERLIST | SUPPORT ME!
You harbor the delusional thoughts of your date getting caught up in something… anything, just a tad more, just so that the heartache comes a few moments later. It stings, probably more than you’d ever admit to anyone, but you can’t help it.
Sitting on the barstool in the dimly lit bar you glue your eyes onto your pornstar martini, the second you’ve had since arriving an hour and about five ‘Where are you?’ texts to Brannon before. All of them sit delivered but unread in your messages. You reach for the glass and finish the drink in two big gulps, the alcohol bringing an almost numbing sensation to your closed up throat, but it fades rather fast.
What hurts the most is that this is not a first date. He met you just three days ago on the coffee date you two arranged once you were over just exchanging messages on that awful dating app you always swear to never download again but end up back on it at one point. It’s not like he would have walked in tonight and could have a shock about your looks, that you do in fact have quite some extra weight, your thighs are thick, curving into your ass that might look good on a better day, but only if it’s covered, because every time you look at it the only thing you see is the stubborn cellulite you can never get rid of. He saw that you’re miles away from having a flat stomach, you weren’t blessed to be the kind of big girl who has a slim waist and beautiful round waist. You often stop in front of the mirror to assess how big your arms look if you wear something sleeveless, how your collarbones only show if you put your hands to your hips and force your shoulders forward to bring them out.
He saw all of these. Yet he suggested meeting again, pulling you into a ridiculous dream that he might be different and you could finally have the burning, passionate love you’ve always dreamed about.
Now it feels more like a nightmare.
“Another one?”
The bartender appears in front of you, one hand on the counter, the other one on his hip as he looks at you with a questioning look. You glance up at him, then at the empty glass and decide to just fuck it and get drunk before going home and raging your fridge for whatever comfort food you can find.
“Sure. Bring a shot as well.”
“Vodka, tequila, rum or…?”
“Vodka sounds fantastic,” you breathe out as you square your shoulders and run a hand through your hair.
The guy nods and then disappears again. While he is making your drink you decide to have a trip to the bathroom. You wave at the bartender to let him know you’ll be back and when he nods you make your way to the back.
You chose the bar for tonight, it’s a nice place, feels intimate and… hot, maybe that’s the word you used when you were here with your girlfriends a few weeks ago. It was the perfect spot for a girly night, but the vibe of the place definitely doesn’t limit it to a strictly feminine spot. There were plenty of men around even then and one mysterious man sent over a whole round of drinks, he remained unknown but he was probably enamored by one of your friends.
You were convinced Brannon would like this place and you could see the two of you curled up in a booth, finally overstepping the awkwardness of being around someone you met online.
Once you’ve done your business you stop in front of the massive mirror next to the sink and have a moment to look at yourself in the overhead lights that bring out everything about your body that you usually fight hard not to think about. You hate it how one inconvenience can make you feel so… ashamed. Hopeless. Worthless.
Truth is, you’re tired. You’ve had enough of these experiences, though it’s only your second time getting stood up, but it goes under the same cases of going completely unnoticed by men in a social setting, ending up instantly in the friendzone no matter what you do, getting the talk of ‘but I see you as a great friend, I hope we can stay friends’ whenever you dare to come clean about your feelings for someone. It sucks the life out of you and you’re not sure if you have any more left to keep trying. Because the chance of ending up alone anyway has been looming over your head for way too long to ignore it and if it ends up being your reality, you’d rather not waste any more time and energy on trying.
When the tears start stinging your eyes you turn on your heels and head out, not wanting to have a full blown breakdown in the middle of a bar. Stepping out to the hallway you’re just about to march back to your previous spot to chug down your drinks shamelessly, but you weren’t expecting anyone to be right outside the door, so you collide into someone just as your heels hit the carpeted floor outside the restroom.
It’s not at all the gracious kind of collision, where the man scoops you into his arms and holds you against his chest to stop you from falling. Out of reflex, your hands do find the guy’s chest, but you push yourself away from him fast and panicked, your back hitting the door that just closed behind you and you’d bet a good amount that your expression reeks of shock and the sadness from previously, which is not a gracious combination.
“I-I’m sorry,” you exhale sharply as your eyes take in the man in front of you.
Tall, well-built in a black, fitted suit with a black silky shirt underneath the jacket, the first few buttons are left undone, teasing a glimpse of tattoos and a thin necklace with pendants hidden from your vision. His brown hair is trimmed, but not enough to conceal how the strands curl and swirl. Pink lips curl into a smile and you can’t decide the color of his eyes because it’s too dark here, but they appear to be light, even despite how big his pupils are as he is staring back at you. He is holding up his hands in front of him, as if he is readying himself to catch you if you decide to fall anyway.
“In a hurry?” he asks and his velvety british accent caresses your ears. You blink at him for a couple of moments dumbly before finding your voice to reply.
“No,” is all you say, to which his smile just widens and you catch his eyes dip down, running along your body before they return to your gaze.
“Be careful then, Angel.”
“Sorry,” you breathe out, finding your balance again as you’re unable to look away from him.
He is the kind of man that catches every female’s attention upon walking into a room, who could easily just cherry pick who he wants, because women line up in front of him just to earn a glance from him. He looks elegant and lively at the same time, but you instantly feel a sense of mystery and darkness linger around them even despite his warm smile. He is nothing like the men you ever dealt with and he is… way out of your league.
Lifting your chin you spare him with one last look before walking away, fighting the urge to look back if he is still there or maybe you just imagined him.
Your drinks are already waiting for you by your seat and you down the shot before you could climb back to your seat. Given the fact that you came with an empty stomach, the alcohol has started working its wonders on you. You feel a low buzz in your chest, a slight numbness in your head and you know the martini in front of you will be your last drink if you want to make it back to your place.
Your thoughts are still circling around the man in the hallway when you spot him again from the corner of your eyes. Down at the end of the bar, he is talking to the bartender who’s been serving you. His jacket is gone, so you see the silky shirt hanging elegantly from his frame, the fabric shimmering in the light that comes from behind the bar, illuminating the wall of expensive bottles showcased. The sleeves are rolled up, revealing that his left arm is heavily tattooed, but the other one has something as well, but half of it is hidden underneath the shirt.
He is helping the bartender unload some bottles into the fridge that’s underneath the counter as the talk. When they are down to the last one he stands up and runs a ring-clad hand through his hair and his eyes move up and catch your gaze before you could look away and pretend like you weren’t ogling him. Your cheeks burn up right away as you snap your eyes back at your drink in front of you. With silent prayers that he won’t come closer, you busy yourself with the only thing you can do: drinking. But just as you lift the glass to your lips you see a black form walk up to where you’re sitting and you can’t stop yourself from looking up at him.
“Can I get you anything else?” he asks with a charming smile, his hands planted onto the counter in front of you, giving you the chance to see the veins running underneath his smooth skin and for a split second you can’t help but imagine what it might feel like to be held by those hands.
“Um, no, I’m good. Thank you.”
“Good,” he repeats, but it drips with something else, something more, something… heavy. “Waiting for someone?”
His question came out of the blue, you weren’t expecting him to strike up a conversation and start it with that. Your muscles tense and suddenly, after being so drawn to keep looking at the man in front of you, it becomes your priority to avoid his gaze at all cost.
“No,” you say shortly and take a sip, no, a gulp from your drink.
What you don’t see is how his face darkens. The smile fades and his eyebrows draw together as he lets his hands fall from the counter and move to cross over his chest.
You expect him to move away from the rather tensed and awkward scene, but he remains standing in the same spot until you notice him turn around, but just to grab two shot glasses, he fills them up with something that could easily be vodka again, but you wouldn’t know because you don’t see the glass he pours from. Then he turns around and places the shots onto the counter, pushing one a little closer to you. When you look up, you see his head a bit tilted, waiting with a questioning look and an unknown sparkle in his eyes that are green, now you’re sure.
“Oh, I shouldn’t… Um…”
“Just this one. As an apology on behalf of the piece of shit who is too blind and idiotic to see what he missed out on.”
Your breath is caught in your throat as you stare back at him. For a second, you let yourself believe that there’s more behind his words, that there’s attraction, lust and desire. For you.
But then your usual mechanism kicks in and your mind is quick to turn it around and convince you it’s not at all like that. He just feels sorry for you, it’s only pity, because a man like him would never be interested in a woman like you.
“Sure,” you whisper with a nod and take the shot. He takes his and holds up, waits for you to do the same.
Then he gives you a nod with a charming, crooked smile and your eyes remain locked on each other as you both take the shots. It’s vodka and it burns, but you don’t even flinch as you put the glass back onto the counter and watch him snatch it away. He is just about to say something when the bartender calls out for him from the end of the bar, but because you weren’t listening, you miss what his name is. He looks back at you once more and then walks away.
You don’t see him for the rest of the time you spend there. Finishing the drink you ask to close your tab and then you’re getting ready to leave when the bartender slips the receipt over to you. At first you don’t even pay any attention to it, but then you notice something is different about it. You grab it from the counter and then read the words scribbled onto it with a black marker.
Please come back tomorrow.
You feel like an idiot all day. Trying to keep yourself busy by cleaning and cooking, no matter what you do you always find yourself looking at that damn receipt, reading the words over and over again. Since you left the bar yesterday until this moment, you’ve thought of every possible scenario why he would ask you to return. Realistic ones, ridiculous versions, you thought of them all, but somehow you always ended up settling on the same one, even despite the fact your mind has been fighting hard not to let you believe he could want anything from you.
It grinds your nerves all day until you decide to act on it. You put on a pair of jeans and a simple black shirt with your trusty sneakers, nothing extra, very far from looking fancy and then head back to the bar before you could talk yourself out of it.
It’s the afternoon on a Sunday, it’s no surprise the place is deserted when you walk in, only a handful of people are lingering around here and there in contrast to the buzz it had yesterday. You try your best to settle the uneasy feeling in your gut as you walk up to the bar. There’s a woman standing behind this time who you didn’t see last night. She’s drying glasses with a cloth since there’s not much to do without anyone sitting on the stools.
“Hi, what can I get you?” she asks with a bright smile as you walk up to her.
“Um, I was wondering if the guy who worked last night was working today? Brown hair, tattoos… I don’t… know his name.”
It’s an understatement to say you feel awkward asking around about the guy even though he practically asked you to come back. At least he could have given you his name to avoid appearing like a stalker.
The woman furrows her eyebrows as she purses her lips, tilting her head.
“I swear I’m not here to make a scene or anything,” you add with a nervous laugh.
“Ah, I was just thinking. Because I know for a fact that Nico was working last night, but he for sure has no tattoos.”
You swear you saw the tattoos on his chest and arms, you did not just imagine those, but now you’re doubting yourself.
“He, uhh, he wore, like, a black suit and a black, silky shirt… Rings…” This is as far as you can go describing him without adding details you’d rather keep to yourself. Like how his hands looked delicate but rough at the same time, the way his lips curled when he smiled could push all the air out of your lungs and his smooth, velvety voice was like you were wrapped into a warm, soft blanket whenever he talked.
Luckily, you see her face light up at the last few details you just said.
“Oh! You must be…” She doesn’t finish it, just lets her smile stretch wide as she squares her shoulder. “Let me grab him for you,” she then winks and before you could get another word out, she disappears.
Laying your hands flat on the bar top you start drumming nervously as you wait. A thought flashes through your mind that it was a mistake coming here, trying to convince you to just leave before it’s too late, but you fight it and shove it to the back of your head, sinking your teeth into your bottom lip as you pull your hands back and start rubbing your palms against your thighs.
A few seconds later the woman appears from the back with the same wide smile and just when you start to think the man is not here, he follows her out, turning your sanity upside down with just a simple look.
He is wearing a black t-shirt this time, short sleeved, putting his previously mentioned tattoos on perfect display. The shirt is tucked into a pair of gray dress pants that hug his waist so well, you’re drawn to stare at his body for a few moments as he moves closer behind the bar.
The bartender woman passes you while the man stops in front of you, a cheeky, but genuine smile tugging on his lips as he leans onto the counter just like how he did yesterday, only this time you see his muscles flex from the movement thanks to the short sleeves.
“What a pleasure to welcome you back.”
Your knees threaten to give up for a second from hearing his voice again, as if it’s proof that you didn’t just make him up last night, he is not just a mirage.
Reaching into your purse you pull the receipt out and slide it over to him.
“You invited me back.”
“I did,” he nods, not even glancing down at the piece of paper, like he doesn’t need to be reminded of what he did. “But I didn’t know you’d actually return.”
Unsure what to say, you allow yourself to assess him, take in his perfectly carved features, the unruly curls, the rings adorning his inviting hands. If you were on your own, just looking at a picture of him, you’d definitely tell yourself it’s too good to be true that a man like him would ever pay you any attention. But having him standing in front of you, feel his burning gaze on you, this magnetic pull that vibrates from him, you’re battling yourself harder than ever.
“I was curious,” you admit at last.
“Then I’m happy to satisfy your curiosity. Why don’t we sit down?” he asks, gesturing towards one of the booths by the wall.
“Won’t you get into trouble?” you ask, but he just gives you a toothy smile as he shakes his head.
“Don’t worry about that, Angel. Go ahead and sit, I’ll make us a drink.”
Once you’re turned away and walking towards a booth you let out a long, shaky breath.
“Get a grip,” you tell yourself as you slide into the booth and try to get comfortable. It’s frustrating a man could have an effect this powerful on you after barely even talking to him. What kind of black magic is he practicing?
A few minutes later you see him walking over to you with two drinks in his hands. One is obviously a pornstar martini for you, the other one you don’t know. It’s in a simple, short glass, one big cube of ice, the drink itself is a nice amber color, you spot a curl of orange peel and some fresh rosemary in it.
He slips into the booth with ease and moves closer to you than you expected as he places the drinks to the table.
“Might be best if we started with our names,” he suggests. “I’m Harry.”
His name rolls off his tongue so ravishingly, you have to stop yourself from repeating after him. He holds out a hand for you that you take. Your skin starts tingling the moment it meets with his warm touch.
“Y/N.”
“Such a pleasure to meet you, Y/N,” he nods, giving your hand a squeeze before letting it go.
While you feel a bit awkward, trying to find a way to sit beside him, it appears he is quick to find his place, crossing one leg over the other, his arm closer to you is stretched over the back of the booth, his hand falling somewhere behind you, but it’s not touching you. His other hand is gently playing with his drink, twirling it between his fingers.
“I know it’s probably not the best thing to start with, but I just have to ask. Last night, were you stood up?”
All your blood rushes to your head and your palms start sweating as you turn your head away embarrassed. You’ve been so caught up in him that you kind of forgot about what Brannon did.
“Yes,” you whisper, hands dropping into your lap as you nervously fidget with your fingers.
The hand that’s been behind you moves to the side of your face, his knuckles gently brushing across your cheek, just enough to make you turn your head and look at him.
“Don’t even think for a moment his behavior lessens your worth.”
“I’m not so sure if there’s any left of that to lessen.”
The words leave your mouth before you could even think them through, surprising you with their bluntness. You’re not one to share such personal thoughts with a stranger, not even your closest friends.
Harry stares at you with an unreadable expression and you half expect him to just let it slip and not acknowledge what you said. But he sticks to that in a way you never experienced.
“I would give an arm to have the chance to show how much I see just after spending only minutes with you.”
You’re speechless and from the hidden smile you notice in the corners of his mouth you assume he finds it entertaining, witnessing the effect he has on you. He grabs his drink from the table and you watch him lazily take a sip before placing it back and leaning forward, getting closer to you, but still not quite crossing an invisible line between the two of you.
“Y/N, I know this is very straight-forward and I’m aware that we are very much just strangers at this point, but I’m more than eager to change that.”
“Why?” you hear yourself asking in an airy, weak voice. “Because you’re sorry for me?”
Now it’s his turn to be taken aback. The way he frowns almost makes you want to apologize even for asking.
“Sorry is the last thing I’m feeling right now. And it wasn’t what I felt when you bumped into me last night or when I wrote that message to your receipt. Or… when I sent over that round of drinks to you and your friends not long ago.”
“You what?”
“You were here, maybe a few weeks ago, with your friends, right?”
“I-I was, but…”
“The round of drinks. I sent it.”
“Why?” you ask again and notice the amusement in his look.
“The same reason I wanted you to return today. Because take my breath away and I never give up on the chance to get to know whoever has that effect on me.”
You stare back at him blankly, a million thoughts racing in your head while also not able to put together a coherent one. It is everything you ever wished to experience, but it also feels incredibly odd and… wrong.
“What kind of twisted game is it you’re playing?”
Harry furrows his eyebrows slightly.
“None. Why are you questioning my intentions so passionately?”
“Because it’s ridiculous,” you say with a bitter laugh, shaking your head as you grab your drink and take two gulps, hoping the alcohol might help you untangle the mess in your head.
“How is my interest in you ridiculous?”
“Because it is. You cannot sell me that you spotted me among my friends last time, that I was the one who caught your attention and that when you saw me last night again you just had to take your chance to lure me here again so you could talk to me. It’s absolutely ridiculous.”
He stays silent and you don’t look at him for a bit, trying to calm your rocketing pulse. But his silence starts to drive you mad again, so you turn to face him and see that unreadable expression on his face again.
“You’re invalidating my attraction just because you haven’t received it before.”
It’s like he is reading you like you’re an open book, he looks at you and you can feel him raiding through your mind and you can do nothing against it.
“It’s actually sad but also exciting to be the first one to give it to you.”
“But why me?” you keep pushing.
“Why do you like pornstar martini?” he asks with a cheeky smile and you decide to ignore how erotic that sounded from him.
“What?”
“You choose it because you like it, yeah? Why?”
“Because… I don’t know, it tastes… good,” you answer, complete confusion taking over you.
“See, that is why you. I don’t know it just yet, but I just know that…” He doesn’t finish, but you can hear the rest.
I just know you taste good.
The all too familiar pulse between your legs is making you cross your legs underneath the table, but Harry catches the movement and his grin grows wide, but he doesn’t comment on it, just takes a sip of his drink.
“We took it very intensely quite suddenly. Let’s just talk and we can return to this matter a bit later,” he suggests then softly, losing that tiny cockiness from his voice for now. “What is there to know about you, Y/N?”
You need a bit of time to recover and actually start telling him about yourself. He asks you about your job, your family, your hobbies, what you like and what you hate, all while giving you his full, undivided attention. Even though he has made it clear he is interested in you, somehow you end up taking the situation with even more caution than usually, but slowly and almost unnoticed, it eases from your gut.
“Now it’s your turn,” you say, once you’ve had enough of talking about yourself. Just as he is about to start talking, the bartender shows up at the table and you’re convinced she’ll ask him to go back to work.
“Boss, the supplier was on the phone, they need confirmation until tomorrow morning.”
Boss?
“Thanks Jenny,” Harry smiles up at her warmly. “I’ll take care of it.” The bartender, Jenny as you learned, nods and then disappears. When Harry looks back at you, it’s apparent he was expecting the questioning look from you.
“Boss? Did I hear that right?”
“Absolutely did,” he chuckles.
“So you’re…”
“I won this place. Along with another one downtown and two more over on the West coast.”
You click your tongue as you turn away to have a look around, though you’ve examined the place enough before. It’s not the kind that screams ‘this is my first business, it’s doing fairly well’, but rather one that screams wealth and business. The bar itself is definitely high end, but it’s also connected to the hotel above, so it drives in some great traffic from there as well and of course, it’s a five star hotel, so the guests are usually not the kind who shies away from paying for a nice drink. Adding just the thought of three more places similar to this to the picture is just plainly mind-blowing to you.
And yet, just minutes ago you were convinced he’s a bartender here.
“You knew I thought you were staff when I asked if you’d get into trouble.” Harry nods. “Why didn’t you say something?”
“Because that would have immensely changed the dynamic.”
“No, I–”
“Yes,” he fights back with a meaningful look. “You had a hard time believing I could be interested in you when you thought I was a bartender here. Had you known I owned this place you would have never let go of the power imbalance that comes with the judgment of my position in my business.”
You want to protest, but you can’t. Because you know it well that he is actually right.
To ease the sudden change in the mood, Harry starts talking about himself and the business as he can tell you’re curious how he ended up as the boss. He tells you how it all started in college, he and a few of his friends came up with the idea of opening a bar and once they graduated he and the one remaining friend who was still into the idea decided to act on it. Niall, the friend, earned a great amount of money from his trust fund after graduation, which they used to the last cent to open the place ten years ago. Feeling guilty that he couldn’t bring as much money into the business in the beginning, Harry tried to make up for it by working twice as hard. As time passed and they opened the second place three years later, Niall started to wander to different fields and only remained a silent partner in the business, letting Harry take over fully. The expansion on the West coast happened just two years ago, but they are already thinking about the next location.
“Are you still friends?” you ask him.
“With Niall? Yes, absolutely. He has his own company in IT security that he actually started from the money of this business. It’s more his world than this now, but we try to meet at least every month when we are in the same city. And I still need his signature on some stuff,” he adds with a chuckle.
“That’s great it didn’t ruin your friendship. Working together can be risky.”
“I know. We had our ups and downs for sure, but nothing we couldn’t talk through.”
It was amazing to see him talk about it so profound and passionately. It makes him so… humane.
His phone buzzes in his pocket and when he pulls it out, he sighs quietly. He ignores the call, but when he looks at you again you know he has to go.
“Y/N, we need to revisit what we talked about earlier, because I have to go soon.”
Your cheeks heat up instantly as you roll your lips into your mouth.
“What about it?”
“Most importantly we need to talk about when we can meet again.”
You look at him from the corner of your eyes and can’t hold back a smile when you see his cheeky grin as he sits turned towards you, his upper body angled to face you completely.
“The most convenient would be tomorrow,” he adds shamelessly.
“So soon?”
“I wanted to say I would love to see you in about three hours when we close, but I didn’t want to come off as too eager.”
That makes you laugh and Harry gifts you with a proud, crooked smile.
“Are you sick of this place?”
“Why?”
“Because you could come here tomorrow and I could teach you how to make your drink,” he says, nodding towards your now empty glass. You actually love the idea of that, doing something new in a not so new setting.
“I can be here by seven.”
“I’ll be waiting for you behind the bar.”
You have never been this eager to put down work at five finally. It doesn’t matter that you still have a few unanswered emails in your inbox, you decide they can wait until tomorrow.
You haven’t stopped thinking about Harry since you left the bar yesterday. You can’t even remember the last time you were like this, probably in high school when you had a crush in junior year. It’s ridiculous, honestly, but it’s also quite exciting.
You walk into the bar for the third time in the past three days. You would have guessed that a Monday evening would be just as eventful as Sunday, but apparently a lot of people like to go out for drinks on the first day of the week. It’s not like on Saturday, but about half of the tables are taken. Crossing the place you’re heading straight to the bar, searching for one particular tall figure, but you don’t see him.
Nico, the bartender from Saturday, is on shift again, though as you reach the bar he doesn’t seem to recognize you.
“Hi, what can I get you?”
You’re just about to ask him to tell Harry that you arrived when the familiar, velvety voice speaks up right behind you.
“I have the lady covered, thanks Nico.”
Turning around you’re met with Harry’s warm but cheeky smile as he stands just a couple of feet away from you. Today he is wearing a pair of black dress pants with a black long sleeve, but the sleeves are rolled up above his elbows. There’s a light stubble darkening his jawline, he surely skipped shaving this morning, but you’re not mad about it, it adds a bit of roughness to him.
“Welcome back, Y/N,” he nods at you.
“Hi,” is all you manage to push out of yourself. He is very much aware of your nervousness, but it just widens his smile.
“Ready to master the pornstar martini?” he asks as he steps closer and places a hand to the small of your back to usher you behind the bar.
“Absolutely.”
The two of you settle at the end of the bar so you’re not disturbing the actual service with your little scene. Harry hands you a black apron and he puts one on himself as well after helping you tie yours behind your back. Then the learning starts.
Harry is actually a great bartender himself. As he gathers everything you need for the drink, he tells you how he learned to bartend after opening the place. They had a few times when they fell short on staff and he needed to serve, so he figured it’s best if he just learns it fully rather than just clumsily mixing up the drinks whenever help is needed.
“What’s your favorite to make?” you ask as you’re cutting the passion fruit in two on a cutting board and Harry examines your every move like a good mentor.
“I think it’s Rum Martinez.”
“What’s that like?”
“It’s a Japanese cocktail, pretty smoky and kind of complicated to make. I’ve had it twice, it was always served with a cigar. I only made it once though, but it was fun.”
Harry truly meant it when he said you’d learn how to make your drink. He doesn’t touch anything in the mixing process, only instructs you, clear and patiently as you add the right amounts into the shaker. When you put the top of the shaker on however, he moves behind you and as his arms come round you to grab the shaker along with you, for a few seconds you definitely forget to breathe.
This close you can smell his cologne, the warmth of his body is melting you against him and when you lean back just the slightest bit he pushes forward to tighten the physical connection between the two of you.
“Alright. Now, this is how you shake it properly,” he murmurs, his face right next to yours as his hands cover yours on the shaker.
You let him take the lead as he starts shaking, his warm palms holding your hand against the cool shaker, moving it up and down, left and right in a controlled, rhythmic way. He is giving it quite the force, you feel the ice inside tumble harshly as you keep shaking.
“Okay, now take the cap off.”
He lets go of the shaker, but remains standing behind you as he instructs you. You do as he said and he reaches past you to bring the glass closer for you.
“Carefully, but with confidence” he murmurs, one hand moving to cover yours when you start pouring, but too slowly, so he helps you to tilt the right amount. The beautiful yellow liqueur fills up the glass with a perfect layer of foam on top.
“And finally, the passion fruit.”
He points at the fruit on the cutting board and you take one half, gently dropping it into the middle and watch as it stays afloat with pride.
“There. You just made your first pornstar martini.”
Harry steps away from behind you and you almost protest, eager to feel his warmth behind you as he comes into your view again, watching you bring the drink to your lips. You take a sip and once you taste it, you can’t hold your smile back.
“It’s amazing.”
“All yours,” he dips his head a bit with a bright smile and you can’t look away from his sparkling eyes.
The foam of the drink sticks to your upper lip so when you put the glass down you run your tongue over, licking it off and you catch him watching your mouth with obvious hunger, as if he is ready to have a taste from the cocktail, but only from your lips.
The moment burns and you feel it deep in your chest. Almost unnoticed, you both inch closer and you feel an irresistible pull towards him. Your heart is drumming in your throat and the muscles in your torso tense even at just the thought of kissing him.
But right when you are about to cross the line Nico’s curse pops your bubble and Harry’s head whips around in alert.
“Shit!” you see Nico jump back from the counter, one hand wrapped around the other, a cutting board with lemons and a knife left behind.
“What happened?” Harry asks, grabbing a rag as he steps closer to assess the situation.
“I wasn’t paying attention and cut my finger,” Nico hisses and you step closer just in time to see him showing the cut. It doesn’t look bad, but it’s bleeding quite heavily.
“Go and clean it out. I’ll cover the bar.”
Nico mumbles a quick thanks as he rushes back before he could bleed on anything behind the bar. Just as he exits, two women walk up to Harry, who switches into bartender mode pretty fast. He gives you a quick ‘I’m sorry’ glance as he takes their order and starts mixing up their drinks. You just give him a reassuring smile and focus on your drink, patiently waiting.
At first you don’t even pay attention to the conversation the two women strike up with him. But as Harry starts serving a man who walked up to the bar after them you notice how they stayed there and it makes you wonder so you turn your attention to their sugar coated voices.
“Oh, then we feel honored to be served by the big boss,” the blonde one chuckles, leaning forward just enough so that his shirt tugs down, teasing the view of her cleavage.
“Just… helping in,” Harry gives a tight-lipped smile, barely even glancing at her as he makes the cocktail.
“See, I told you it'll be worth coming here on a Monday,” the other one giggles as she gently sways to the soft music that’s playing through the speakers.
It’s a sight that’s an easy trigger for you. They did nothing wrong other than flirting with a man they find attractive. And you know Harry barely even acknowledged their efforts, but still, it was enough to let that evil little voice out of its cage in the back of your mind.
They are gorgeous and you’re nothing like them. They are thin and looking around you already see a dozen men looking at them. You can never be like them.
Deep down you know these thoughts are worthless, but once they take over it’s hard to fight them, to see yourself in a better light. Not when you’ve struggled with this for so long and spent long years to convince yourself it’s all that matters.
There’s nothing left of the free spirit you were just minutes ago. When this happens you simply close off and want to disappear as fast as possible. For a moment you think of just leaving while Harry is not paying attention, but you’d hate to walk out on him like that so you stay there, trying to take up as little space as physically possible as you finish your drink.
Nico soon comes back, his left ring finger bandaged up, ready to get back to work, which means Harry is free from bar duty again. He doesn’t hesitate to walk away from the two women and return to you, but you’ve let your spiraling thoughts win by now.
He notices something is wrong the moment he sees you avoid looking into his eyes.
“What’s wrong?” he asks, dipping his head to try to get you to look at him.
“Nothing,” you shake your head, but it’s a weak attempt to mask just how uncomfortable you’re feeling.
“Y/N, I know that’s not true. What happened?”
“Nothing happened,” you push, then take a deep breath to help you swallow the bitterness in your mouth.
There’s a few seconds of pause when you’re convinced he’ll say to end the date and then you already see yourself never coming here to avoid ever running into him. The voice in the back of your mind is already working hard to convince you it’s for the best, that it would have never worked, you’re way too different and sooner or later he would see you the way you see yourself.
But it never happens. Instead, he silently packs away everything you used for the cocktail and when he’s done, he gently takes your hand and starts to pull you towards the door that leads out to the hotel’s lobby. Confused, but curious, you follow him and don’t say a word until the two of you stop at the elevators.
“Harry, where are we going?”
“Up. To my suite.”
“You have a suite here?”
“I do. Comes with the perks of owning the bar that’s part of the hotel.”
His hand is still holding yours, warm and gentle, but still confident, especially when he tightens his hold as the elevator arrives and he pulls you inside, pushing the button of the 18th floor. He doesn’t let go of you as the elevator starts moving, you just stand there next to each other without a word until it arrives and the doors slide open.
Harry once again pulls you with him, striding down the carpeted hallway to the door with the number 1804 next to it. He fishes out a card from his pocket and taps it against the lock that clicks silently, letting him open the door and that’s when his hand falls from yours, letting you walk in first as he holds the door open for you.
You haven’t been to a hotel this elegant, not as a guest at least. You’ve attended a few conferences but you could only see the lobby and the conference rooms during those, not the rooms or in this case, the suites.
You walk into a spacious living room with a minibar, dark purple couches facing the TV mounted onto the wall, the floor-to-ceiling windows giving an impeccable view of the city lights. There’s a door on the left and the right, one is probably leading to the bedroom, the other one must be the bathroom and though the doors are closed, you can imagine how good they must be designed.
The suite is definitely not untouched, you see signs of Harry here and there, the envelopes on the coffee table, the single used mug next to them, some sort of hoodie thrown over the back of one of the armchairs and a Macbook lying on the desk next to the TV.
“It’s permanently reserved for me. I spend so much time at the bar, it’s easier if sometimes I don’t have to drive all the way home and can just stay here,” he explains as you walk further inside, stopping by the window to have a look at the view.
Slowly, you turn around and look at him with your arms crossed over your chest.
“Why are we here?”
He is standing a few feet away, his hands hidden in his pockets, but his stance feels welcoming and open even despite your closed off behavior.
“To be alone. I don’t want the circumstances to bother you. I know things can get overwhelming sometimes.”
You remain still, not sure what to say or do. It really has been overwhelming, but only because sometimes your own mind turns against you and there’s nothing you can do about it.
Harry pulls his hands out of his pockets and cautiously takes a few steps closer to you, but still leaves a bit of space between the two of you.
“Do you want to talk about it?” he asks so softly, it almost makes you want to cry, because he doesn’t feel real, nothing does when it’s about him. You’re so set on how unmatching you feel around him that it’s almost impossible to think otherwise now.
“I don’t see it,” you reply in a whisper.
“See what?”
“I don’t see what you see in me. I only see my version of myself and it’s… not good.”
The tears are stinging your eyes. You have probably never said these words out loud, but somehow, you feel safe enough with Harry to bring this side of you out, though the fear that he might get fed up with it is still strong in the pit of your stomach.
You have no idea what kind of reaction you were expecting from him, to be honest you couldn’t imagine a version where he stands his ground and doesn’t agree with all the awful things you harbor about yourself.
But then he steps closer, his hands gently cupping your face in them as he angles your head so you’re looking up at him, holding you like that, forcing you to keep your eyes on him.
“I want to show you. How I see you.”
His hands slide down to your neck, his thumbs are underneath your chin to keep you in place, his gaze dipping down to your lips a couple of times before settling on your eyes, waiting, silently asking for permission and though you don’t say a single word he understands you.
His first kiss is brief, but confident. His lips press against yours and they open slowly, just enough so that his tongue can tease you before he pulls back, though he doesn’t move far, his nose is still brushing against yours. Opening your eyes you find him looking at you, his otherwise light and bright eyes are now several shades darker, lust dripping from the curled up ends of his lashes as he waits for you to make up your mind whether you want to go further or not. Somehow, his black magic must have worked enough on you to mute that evil voice in the back of your head, the absence of it giving you the chance to give yourself into the moment.
You push up against him this time eagerly, open mouth meeting his and he’s quick to react with just as much passion.
One of his hands moves down to your waist and when his fingers dig into the soft flesh you can’t hold back a moan that’s immediately swallowed by him. You fist his shirt, desperately trying to pull closer even though he is entirely pressed up against you.
Blindly he starts moving, pulling you with him, your kiss never breaking as you move around the couch. Then his lips leave yours and you’re forced to open your eyes just as he sits down on the couch, his hands grabbing the back of your thighs as he pulls you between his knees and he kisses your stomach through the fabric of your shirt. Out of reflex you try to pull away or avert him somewhere else, but his hands squeeze your thighs as his eyes snap up to meet your gaze.
“How I see you, remember? Let me show you,” he reminds you and though every inch of you is screaming to pull away, you stay.
Harry pushes your shirt up and unbuttons your pants before his hands grab you by the waist. He twists you around and pulls you down on him, so you end up lying half on top of him with your back pressed against his chest.
“Harry,” you gasp when his right hand starts to slip into your pants and then under your underwear, but his other hand falls to your heaving chest as if he could calm your jumping pulse with just one touch.
“Tell me if you want me to stop, I don’t want to push anything on you.” His lips are by your ear that brushes against them when you nod and just let him do whatever he wants.
When two of his fingers slip between your wet folds, your lips part with a sigh, your head rolling back to his shoulder just from his touch. He is gentle but determined, starts off by just moving those two fingers up and down, gently applying some pressure at the perfect spots before keep moving. Then they settle on your clit and start drawing circles in a slow pace, playing with the pressure once again, setting your nerves on fire.
You keep moaning and gasping as you still lie on top of him, his other hand moves underneath your shirt, but it doesn’t go further up just yet, only remains flat on your skin. You can’t stop your body from falling into a rhythm, hips buckling, spine arching with certain movements, especially when he starts to gradually increase his pace.
When a tiny shock rides through your body with a rougher movement one of your hands grabs onto his thigh by your side, fingers digging into his muscles, earning a deep grunt from him that rumbles right underneath you.
Your other hand snaps to his wrist as you completely lose control over yourself and push his hand a bit further, showing him where and how you need him the most and he is quick to pick up on the clues and add to the sensation.
“Y/N, Angel, let go for me,” he whispers into your ear and while his hand between your legs doesn’t stop for a moment, the other one finally inches up and cups your breast, kneading it sensually.
“Harry, I–Ah!” You’ve lost your ability to voice a coherent thought. You have none, the feelings Harry is making you feel have taken over you entirely.
“I know, I know,” he murmurs and when you turn your head he doesn’t hesitate to capture your lips in a deep kiss and while you’re eager to return it, you lose control over your movements when you feel your orgasm tipping you over the edge. It stretches and teases and then it washes over you like a tidal wave.
Gasping for air, your back arches and your nails dig into his wrist and thigh, you hear him say something but his words are tuned out, you hear or see nothing, only feel.
But you feel everything.
You have no idea how long it takes for you to calm down and come back to real life. When it happens you realize Harry’s hand has moved away from between your legs and both of them are placed on your stomach, his fingers gently brushing against your skin in a slow rhythm.
When you find your strength you wiggle around until you’re lying on your stomach, facing him. Even though you were the only one who benefited from the scene you just experienced, you see a deep satisfaction etched across his face as his lips break out into a smile.
“Hi.”
“Hi,” you chuckle and pushing yourself up you stretch your neck until your lips meet his. This kiss is different, it’s gentle and slow, but just as meaningful as the ones before.
“So,” he starts as he reaches up, running his fingers down the side of your face. “Did you see what I see?”
“I… felt it,” you say, part of you afraid of his reaction. But as you watch him, all you see is that same sweet, charming smile you’ve seen from him so many times before.
“That’s a start.”
“Yeah.”
“And I’m more than happy to work on it until you really see it.”
Staring at him, you search for something. Anything that gives away the slightest sign that gives away that he is not being genuine, but you find none and it feels heavier than if you did. Completely touched by his words the tears start dwelling in your eyes.
“Where have you been?” you ask in just a whisper.
“Well…” he breathes out, locking you in his arms. “Behind bars the past ten years,” he says and there’s a heartbeat of silence as you both realize what he just said and the duality of it.
You both burst out in laughter at the same time.
“Not like that!” he shakes his head.
“I guess there are a lot I don’t know about you, that’s fair.”
“And do you want to know more?” He challenges you. Your laughter fades into just a soft smile.
“I do. Do you want to know more about me?”
“Everything. I want to know everything.”
Thank you for reading, please like and reblog if you enjoyed and buy me a coffee if you want to support me!
#harry#styles#harry styles#harry styles fanfiction#harry styles fanfic#harry styles oneshot#harry styles one shot#harry styles fluff#harry styles x you#harry styles x y/n#harry styles x reader#harry styles blurb#harry styles smut
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⚠︎ ━━━ MATERNITY LEAVE
⚠︎ ━━━ SS + WC: 10 + 0.4k
⚠︎ ━━━ CONTENT: uzzlang for pose reference
“I’m back!” Jeongin called into the apartment
Y/n glanced up from her laptop and looked towards the apartment door. Smiling as he walked into the living room. Leaning down to kiss her, “How’d the meeting go?” she asked
“HR is doing some investigation but it’s looking like i have to fire someone,” Jeongin sighed and sat down
“Sounds like fun,” Y/n laid her head on his shoulder
“Yeah. Favorite part of owning a company,” Jeongin wrapped his arm around her and kissed her forehead. “Speaking of companies. My dad’s company is hosting a banquet next week and he asked me to bring you.”
“Okay, I’ll be your date,” Y/n smiled
“There’s gonna be people from other companies there. They’re gonna ask about you.”
“And what are you going to tell them?” Y/n sat up and turned to him
“I wanna tell them you're my girlfriend but, what do you think?”
“Why are you asking me?”
“Because my world is different from yours. You’ll get a lot more attention than you’re used to. And our little guy is going to get it too.”
Y/n leaned forward and pecked his lips, “I knew that when we got together. I knew our baby was going to get the attention too. We can talk about him when I'm closer to the due date, but I'm fine with a little more attention.”
Jeongin smiled, “Good. I was worried about what you would think about it all.”
“Why?”
“I might sound like a loser but you're the first serious relationship I’ve had so in my mind this is a big deal.”
“You never had a serious relationship before?”
“That’s what you focused on?” Jeongin laughed
“Yes! Am I really your first serious relationship? Did you not date anyone before me?!”
“I did but they never lasted. Most of the time, girls didn’t like the fact my best friend was a girl and i don’t think it helped i was always with (Astrid) because of stuff that was going on at her home. I didn’t really work through it till we kind of fell off for a couple years.” Jeongin explained, “After I went to college, i just settled for hookups”
“Girls were mad about (Astrid)?”
“It was when her depression was bad and I chose to be there for my friend even though she told me I didn't have to be.”
Y/n smiled and pecked his lips again, “I hope our son is as good of a person as his dad is.”
Jeongin smiled and pulled her in for a kiss again.
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no but, im kinda mad at how well that villain rauru idea is working, even together with most of the work i already did do for the first rewrite, like the thing with the shiekah using ganondorfs strong spirit to power their tech STILL WORKS, its just not the focus anymore, and its not just ganondorfs spirit, but raurus as well, rauru did this to contain gan bc rauru couldnt defeat him at that point- and he planned to return to rebuild his dreamland fantasy kingdom of light later
gan tried to break free from it using whatever means he had (miasma/malice- clamgan) taking over the guardians etc in botw (still out of revenge for being used as a power source by the ancient shiekah but not ONLY) being a way to bring attention to it, maybe to find out where the stones were held, to rebuild himself outside of his prison by any means necessary bc he knew if they both woke up fully rauru would begin his plan- it doesnt have to be that gan is goody two shoes good guy tm now, but he resistet rauru back then and is gonna do it again- and if he loses whatever was left of his body, yet his spirit remains, why wouldnt he team up with link and zelda- he cant do much as a spirit anymore but like thats gonna stop him from from fighting agaisnt his enemy
it would mean you arent one and doen in each region, but the mid point of the game flisp it around so much you have a reason to return to them again, i know backtracking isnt seen as something good all the time but ..... this would be so cool right?? and the yiga being at first an enemy and you get your fight against koga, but then after the turn you have them as allies??? and you get a cool fight against gan at the mid point too!! it can be a full fight at the end of which the reveal happens when zelda tries to intervene since she was with gan the whole time and knew what was going on and bc she has the stone still with her and then both gan and zelda are in the same room rauru goes for it since with zelda there who link trusts telling him the truth raurus gonna lose his tool (link) now anyway
the abilities i have to brainstorm again- but it could be that you get similar ones from rauru at first like i had in my first rewrite (like the hookshot or the energy infusion) like in a more sonau magicky way and after the turn point purah zelda with the help of gan rebuild it in shiekah tech, so you dont lose those abilities forever (just for that mid point reveal rauru fight you cant win) but get them back in a different way, maybe even upgradable now
the only thing that it gets fully rid of is the sages thing (they stil give you abilities in some way but not through the stones), the dragon stuff (which is a little sad but it would also keep the dragons from being something anyone can just be turned into- keeping their mystery alive) and the whole time travel stuff (GOOD i hate time travel)
POLL TIME
#ganondoodles talks#zelda#ganondoodles rewrites totk#like i alot of the first one#but most things i can literally keep#and villain rauru is honestly something so different for once#like idk it seems like im not the only one REALLY into this idea#i havent gotten this many comments on some doodles on twitter in ages#like#im genuinely so excited about this#a bit of work that was wasted but#man this is so neat isnt it???#this is making my brain go brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr so much i can ignore the headache and swollen eyes i got bc of yesterday#ldkgnvdjklgnkdl
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-Not yet-
-
warnings: angst, no happy ending, drugs, death, swearing, idk what else lmk
y/n x bsf!chris sturniolo
based in LA
y/n (19) red
chris (20) orange
matt (20) blue
nick (20) purple
blake (23)
-
9:47pm
knock knock
i walk downstairs from my room and open the front door to 2 police officers with saddened looks on their faces, "y/n l/n?" the man on the left asks pursing his lips, "uh yea whats going on?" i furrow my eyebrows in confusion, "we have some bad news about your mother and brother" the other, who i recognise to be our neighbour paul speaks, my heart instantly drops to my feet as i look back and forth from both of the officers, paul goes to speak again but closes his mouth and looks down to his feet, my mind races with all the possibilities that couldve happened, yet not once did i think of what was to be said. the other looks down to me, "we regret to inform you that your mother and brother unfortunately been killed in a car crash-" i start to dissociate after hearing that, not registering the rest of what hes saying.
My chest feels heavy as my eyes fill with tears, i bring my hand up to my chest falling back onto my feet failing to stabilize myself. Paul rushes to me and catches me as he gently brings me down to my knees, sobs exit my mouth as i cling onto him, it feels as if my whole world has collapsed, that time has frozen.
"im so sorry y/n" i hear paul whisper, small sniffles come from his nose, trying to keep his composure, he and my mum were best friends since college, as much as i feel like my life has ended, i cant help but feel bad for him.
i cant concentrate on anything, all i know is that i need my mum, but she isnt here, neither is my brother. My head is pounding as thoughts overwhelm me, i instantly stand up rushing out the door, leaving everything where it is. The other officer looks back at me as i run, paul quickly walks to the pavement "y/n where are you going" he yells, worry coating his voice. I ignore him, blanking out everything,
all i knew was i needed chris.
-10:12pm-
i get to his house and try open the door but its locked, i rapidly knock, not minding if anyone is asleep. "y/n?" matt answers the door looking down at me, his eyes widen as he sees me stood there, tears streaming down my cheeks, my makeup smudged from crying, my bottom lip trembling tucked unto my teeth. he engulfs me in a hug "y/n what happened" he asks as i sob into his chest, "th-they're gone" i choke out, "whos gone?" chris asks from behind matt, i immediately push away from matt moving to wrap my arms around chris, he copies bringing his arms around my waist, eyebrows furrowed looking up at matt who shrugs. matt looks around outside then closes the door behind him as we head up the stairs.
i cling onto chris's arm walking upstairs. "y/n whats going on" chris asks, lifting my chin to look at him as we sit on the couch, i lift my knees against my chest, hugging my legs. i cant bring myself to fully say whats happened. i cant accept it. too be fully honested i dont even know what happened, i didnt hear anything paul or the other officer said. my breathes become heavy as i pull my bottom lip between my teeth again, chewing at it, "y/n stop that, your lip will split" i look down at my knees as i fidget around with my fingers, tears slowly fall down my face.
nick walks downstairs from his room, matt rushes to him, placing a hand on his shoulder leading him away from us into the kitchen. "whats going on?" i faintly hear him ask as he looks over at me and chris on the couch. chris speaks up again "y/n please tell me what happened" holding my hands that are still wrapped around my legs, i swallow looking up at him, taking a deep breath, "they're gone" i whisper, my voice raspy from crying, "who y/n" chris furrows him eyebrows, concerned and confused, his eyes flicker from mine to nick and matt in the kitchen behind me back to me. i look down and close my eyes, shaking my head as tears slowly start too fall down my face again. chris moves closer to my side bringing me into a hug as i cry into my hands.
-timeskip-2 days-
i havent left the triplets house. they found out what happened though, i still couldnt bring myself to say it but paul had stopped by the next morning to see if i was there, i was asleep when he informed chris of everything that had happened. once paul left chris came back downstairs to me staring at the ceiling, his heart dropped a little seeing me. he told me everything paul told him. i knew my mum had left to pick up Blake from work as his car was in the shop, and i thought they hit traffic which is why they were taking longer than usual. it was a drunk driver. i was furious, but i couldnt do anything but cry. the driver was on the wrong side of the road and had collided with my mums car head on. chris had hesitated before carrying on. he survived. the fucking drunk driver lived while my only family i had died. the anger built so high in me i broke down, chris brang me into his chest, i soaked his shirt with tears. even after my crying slowed we stayed like that, holding onto each other for what felt like hours. i ended up falling asleep on him due to exhausting myself by crying.
-7pm-
"hey chris?" i look up next to me, us both laying against his headboard. "hm?" he puts his phone down on his lap, facing back at me, "can we go on a walk? i feel like im going cry" i bite the inside of my cheek, "yk its okay to cry, but yea ofc" he gets up to put on his shoes, "i know but i dont want to" i say blankly, slipping on my shoes, walking to chris's dresser grabbing one of his fresh love hoodies.
as we're walking down the dimly yellow lit streets, chris looks down at me fiddling with the rings on my fingers and decides to break the comfortable silence "do u wanna try smoke? it might help you calm down, you dont have to obviously but sometimes matt comes to me for weed for his anxiety n shit" he nervously asks, i clear my throat before speaking "uh yea sure" he pulls out a pre-rolled spliff, bringing it to his mouth lighting it, then taking a deep inhale. he takes it away from his mouth, exhaling slowly, then passing it to me. i take it, looking up to him as we walk, lifting it to my lips, trying my best to copy his movements, taking a deep inhale in, i exhale, coughing a little. "easy there trouble" chris chuckles at my coughing, rubbing his hand along my back, "not funny" i frown with a pout which makes him laugh more. "just take it slow, inhale it then take in a breath, so it hits you here" he instructs pointing to my chest, i do as he said to, then exhale briefly closing my eyes in relief.
-9:30pm-
We've smoked the whole joint between the both of us, and i feel like all the weight has lifted off of my chest. chris isnt as high as me cause his tolerance is higher as he smokes almost everyday. i hold his hand, swinging our arms as we walk back to his his house, "i love you yk" i smile looking up to chris, he laughs a little before replying "i love you too n/n" he smiles at me repeatedly squeezing his hand.
We walk into the living room, where nick is editing a video and matt is scrolling through tiktok next to him. "heyyy" i drag out greeting the boys on the couch, they both look up at me and chris walking over to them. nick and matt raise an eyebrow watching me slump down next to nick, chris sitting next to me. Nick sits forward putting his laptop to the side, then faces me lifting his hand and squeezing my cheeks looking at my red eyes and dilated pupils, "youre fucking high" i giggle looking to chris, who is being frowned at by matt. he drops his hand whipping round to chris, "you dumbfuck" he curses shaking his head. "y/n c'mon lets go to bed" he stands putting his hand out, "okay nicky" i stand grabbing his hand, he pulls me upstairs to his room, i turn my head to matt and chris still on the couch "night boys".
-timeskip-2 months-
Im back at my house, my empty lonely house. I hated it here, everytime i opened my eyes and walk around my house i was forced to relive my memories, and it hurts so bad, but i had nowhere else to go.
Ive been buying weed from chris basically every other day now, i would only leave my room to get shit from him. He was very hesitant to sell it to me at first but i assured him that its helping with my anxiety and panic attacks, he kept offering for me to hang out but i refused, i didnt want to leave my bed.
-CHRIS POV-3pm-
I sit down at my computer about to load up fortnite when my phone lights up;
hey come over with a 3.5?
i sigh looking at my phone, im really worried about y/n, she only ever texts me to come over with weed and whenever i ask her to hang out she makes up an excuse. nick and matt keep asking me where shes at cause she never answers her phone to them. i dont know what to do.
yea lemme see what matts doing
k
i walk out my room to matts, "hey matt?" i knock on his door, he opens it then sits down on his bed, scrolling through his phone. "can u take me to y/ns?" i ask hitting my phone on my hand, "yea sure, do u need me to get u later or are u just stopping by quickly?" he sits up putting on his shoes, "prob just stopping by, she asked me to drop something off" his head shoots up staring at me, "you're not selling to her are you?" i look down kicking me feet, "chris! shes grieving you cant be doing that shit" he yells, "its just weed matt" i look to him, "my point still stands" he walks past me, grabbing his keys, i quickly follow behind.
We pull up outside y/ns house and it looks so empty. "Be right back" i announce while matt nods pulling out his phone.
-Y/NS POV-
i reluctantly drag myself out of bed, heading downstairs as i hear matt and chris pulling up.
knock knock
i stop in my tracks at the knocks, closing my eyes at the reminder of that day. i take in a breath and shuffle to the door, opening it to chris stoof there pursing his lips. "hey" i croak, not having used my voice since the last time he was here, "hey" he tilts his head to the side a little, looking down at me. I immediately become very self-conscious of my greasy, unbrushed hair in a low messy bun, the dark bags under my eyes, my grey sleep shorts and fresh love hoodie smelling of weed. i look down to my black slippers i had on, "here i brang u a couple pre-rolls" he says breaking the silence, handing me a bag, i take the bag putting it in my pocket "thanks" i mumble, he purses his lips again faintly nodding his head, "um chris?" i speak up "hm?" "i was actually wondering if you had anything stronger? i um i just feel like the weed aint doing what it has been yk" i bite my lip looking up to him furrowing his brows, "y/n i dont think you should be smoking weed this much let alone anything stronger" "chris youre the one who brang smoking up to me in the first place" "i know y/n, i know and i hate that" "please chris" i bite my lip, wrapping my arms around myself, his eyes dart around me stood infront of him, his chest fills with guilt, "okay fine but just this once" he gives in, reaching into his backpack, before passing me a bag of white powder, it quickly joins the pre-rolls in my pocket "thanks" i say handing him the money, he nods before hesitantly taking the money. i step back, holding onto the door, he takes the hint, "so i guess ill see you later?" "sure" i shut the door, to him looking down at his feet.
I hate myself for treating him like this, and i hate myself for taking drugs after i promised my brother i wouldnt. But i cant help it, it helps me for a little then i need more and i cant have chris trying to get me to stop. i walk into my room and over to my desk, i put down my pre-rolls to the side then pour out my bag of C, i get my card and divide it up into lines before scrambling around in my drawers to find a dollar bill. i eventually find one and roll it up while walking back to my desk, i lean down over my desk, placing the dollar at one end of the line before inhaling it. i take in 2 lines before standing up straight wiping my nose to get every bit in the end of my nose. i lay on my back as the C starts to kick in, i already feel the weight lifting off my shoulders, it feels as if nothing can go any worse than it has already.
After half hour of staring at the ceiling, i walk back to my desk to inhale the last 3 lines. After taking a deep breath i pick up a joint and pull my lighter out of my pocket before walking over to my window opening it, i sit on my window sill and smoke the whole of it. I get hit with a wave of tiredness so i lay down on my bed and drift off to sleep.
-CHRIS POV-
i sigh as she closes the door, i cant believe i just sold her that shit. i walk over to the minivan and get in, "home now?" he asks, turning the key in the ignition, i nod in reply.
-timeskip- 45hours later-
yo come over?
yea sure
bring another bag?
y/n i just sold u a bag
so?
and it was a one time thing
ill pay extra??
its not about the money y/n
im worried about u
if u dont sell it to me ill go to sm1 else
y/n no
thats not safe at all
idc i need more shit chris
are you gonna sell it to me or not?
fine but this is the last time y/n
read 4:37pm
-timeskip- 27hours later- Y/N POV-
I finished my bag last night so i go to text chris for more, ignoring what he said about it being the last time, but i cant find my phone. I get up pulling on sweatpants over my shorts, and pulling my hood over my head. i walk out the door locking it behind me, pushing my hands in my pockets, walking to chris's house.
i walk down the driveway and knock on the door, kicking my feet about. i look up when i hear the door open to nick, "omg y/n hey where have you been?" he asks bringing me into a hug, "just grieving i guess" i state blankly not moving, he steps back slightly frowning, "wheres chris?" i ask looking up behind him, "he uh hes down in his room" nick says stepping back letting me in, "cool thanks" i walk past him up the stairs, then down to chris's room. "yo chris" i say walking through his door, "y/n?" he questions shocked at me being here, "in the flesh, anyway i need more shit" i look at him with an expressionless face, he looks taken back "y/n" he says softly "i told you im not giving you anymore" "yea and you said that the time before that too so" i say blankly, "y/n where is all this coming from? you used to tell me how much you hated drugs, and that i shouldnt be selling and now youre begging for more?" "well i used to have a mum and brother but things change" his face drops, but i ignore it "look have u got the shit or not?" "the fuck, y/n what is wrong with you?" he raises his voice a little and once again i ignore it "chris please, i really need it" he shakes his head, looking down "youre going to end up dead if you keep on this path!" my heart jumps at him yelling at me, but i cant focus on anything except getting more, "i dont care chris! dont you get it! i need more!" his whole demeanor changes, "y/n.." he whispers faintly, "i guess ill go to someone else" i walk out his room slamming the door behind me.
"y/n wait-" chris quickly follows me but im up the stairs already, i pass matt in the kitchen, "y/n please" chris pleads behind me, "chris whats going on?" matt frowns staring between us chris ignores him following me down the stairs to the door, i walk out slamming the door, pulling out my phone calling some other dealer i found through insta.
-CHRIS POV-
"Chris? hello? whats going on?" matt yells from the top of the stairs, i run up them then walking to the kitchen island. "i um-" i swallow looking down at my hands im leaning on, "what did you do chris?" matt states blankly, now stood infront of me, i look up to him as i start to explain, "so um the other day when you took me to y/ns house, i sold her weed, she then asked me for something a little stronger" i trailed off, "chris no, please tell me you didnt fucking sell her-" i cut him off defensively "i was just trying to help i tried to tell her no but she kept pushing and i-" i stopped talking feeling a lump in my throat, "fuck chris" he shakes his head. "how many times?" "what?" i furrow my eyebrows confused, "how many fucking times did you sell her that shit?!" he yells, i look down and mumble "like 4 or 5". he steps back closing his eyes, pinching the bridge to his nose trying to calm himself, "are you fucking stupid? like im genuinley asking, cause if you had a fucking brain you wouldnt of sold her anything, she is griefing and you thought the answer was what? drugs?" i sigh knowing what i did was fucked up.
"guys what going on?" nick asks walking down the stairs after hearing matts yelling, "chris here, thought it was a great idea to sell y/n weed" matt almost instantly answers "YOU DID WHAT?" nick screams, his eyes widen jaw dropping, "um" i start to speak but matt cuts me off "thats not even the best part" nick turns to matt furrowing his eyebrows, "he sold her 4 fucking bags" nick loses it, yelling at me. i just stand there and accept it due to the guilt and shame, wanting the ground to swallow me whole.
-timeskip- the next day 8am-
ive texted y/ns phone like a million times and shes not answered, she doesnt usually answer unless she texts me about drugs or just to get me to stop texting her, but she normally wouldve answered by now. i go upstairs to matts room. "matt i dont know what to do shes not answering me, she wouldve answered by now to tell me to fuck off spamming her" matt sighs then stands up slipping his shoes on grabbing his keys, "cmon we're going to her house" he says looking back at me sat on his bed.
We pull up to her house and it still looks empty, i jump out the car and rapidly knock on the door, "y/n? cmon open the door" i look through the living room window to absolutely nothing, the house looks abandoned. Y/n's neighbour, Annie walks out to the patio looking over at chris, crossing her arms, "chris? whats all the banging about?" she makes me jump "oh uh hi annie, did y/n come home last night?" i ignore her question, "oh urm no i havent seen her since she left yesterday morning" my heart drops to my feet, i turn and look at matt in the car with panic and worry displayed over my face, whos looking back at me frowning in confusion, i thank annie and run back to the car.
I jump into the car, "shes not here oh my fuck matt where the fuck is she? do you think she actually bought of someone else what if she got dealt dodgy shit oh my goddd i shouldnt of let her start this shit its all my fault-" i start rambling in a panic, matt cuts me off "chris calm down we'll find her" he reassures me but i can tell hes worried too.
We drive around for what feels like hours, and theres no sign of her. Im frantically looking around when i see someone laying passed out on their stomach on the floor, "Matt look is that her?" as we get closer i recognize her fresh love hoodie and sweats she wore to mine yesterday, her hair is pulled out of her bun just the very end wrapped in the band. before matt can park up properly i jump out of the slowly moving car and run to her side, i turn her over to see little specs of white powder around her nostril and upper lip. i gently shakes her shoulders trying my best not to panic but how could i not "please wake up shit y/n wake the fuck up"
"holy shit" matt breaths out running up behind me. i pick y/n up, one hand around her back, the other under her legs, her head is hanging back, her messy bun falling down, my eyes dart around her face walking back to the car, her skin is pale, the only colour in her face being the dark eyebags and red tear stained cheeks.
I lay her across the backseats laying her head on my lap. matt is driving us to the hospital, "matt fucking hurry up" i yell, my voice shaking "im going as fast as i can chris". "hello?" matt had been texting nick the whole time updating him on whats going on "hey we're on the way to the hospital now, do u need me to come get you after or are u gonna uber?" matt asks focusing on the road ahead, "ill get an uber its faster ill call you back" he says hanging up.
-NO POV-
Matt pulls up at the entrance of the hospital and chris jump out, holding y/n as he did before rushing into the hospital, "please someone help" a nurse rushes over to him and asked what happened, "i- i think she overdosed but i dont know i found her unconscious" he stutters, she calls over another nurse and they helped place y/n on a gurney. Chris follows next to her, holding onto her cold hand.
A doctor pulls chris side and asks him questions trying to get an understanding of what happened, he try his best to explain but he can only think of y/n so he couldnt really concentrate on talking to the doctor. He notes what chris says then tells him to wait outside. Chris paces back and forth until nick and matt run up to him, "chris whats going on?" "wheres y/n?" they speak over eachover, "i-i dont know, they asked me what happened then said to wait here" matt goes to hug me but chris pushes his arm away "please d-dont touch me" he steps back nodding, looking to nick pursing his lips.
Chris stops every doctor going in and out of y/ns room, trying to find out the situation. as one doctor enters, he get a glimpse of y/n laying there, tubes connected to her arms and nose, his eyes widen as his heart quickens its pace, breathing faster, but hes relieved as he sees her chest lifting and dropping, and hear the beeps of her heart rate ensuring shes alive and okay.
A doctor walks over to the boys, they look up to him in sync, chris immediately spoke "is y/n okay" the doctor takes a breath before nodding a little, "does she have any parents or guardians i can talk to?" chris looks down shaking his head, matt speaks up "her mum passed a few weeks ago but we are her best friends", "well then she is in stable condition but we dont know when she will wake up, she had an immense amount of drugs in her system, and also being outside for an amount of time we dont know, while unconscious, it was very dangerous, but everything seems to be okay, its just up to her to wake up, we dont know if she can hear anything but you boys can go in there", matt and nick stand up behind chris whos already standing and they all rush in to see y/n, still connected to tubes and wires, chris heart sinks to his feet if only he helped her instead of selling her drugs fuck why would you sell a griefing friend drugs he curses himself, he stands next to her holding onto her hand, which is slightly warmer than before, releasing a breath he didnt know he was holding in.
-timeskip- a week later-
Chris has been by y/ns side basically every second. Matt and Nick visit every day too but they go home at night, and come back in the afternoon. y/n still hasnt woken up and the doctors are doing tests to try find out why she hasnt, but they havent figured it out yet. Chris grew restless and annoyed that she hasnt woken up yet and that the doctors dont know why. Matt and Nick try their best to calm Chris down when hes about to go off but can only do so much, Chris has yelled at a few doctors and nurses and apologised after calming down.
-11pm- Y/N POV-
I flutter open my eyes, squinting at the bright lights, to see Chris asleep, laying his head on his arms leaning forward from the chair next the bed, holding onto my hand by my side. I look around to see that im laying in a hospital bed, tubes connected to my arm and nose. I look towards Chris peacefully sleeping, i squeeze his hand a little, i try speak but i end up coughing. how long have i been unconcscious i try remember what happened to lead up to now and its a massive blurr, the last thing i clearly remember is the day i smoked on a walk with chris. "y/n?" i look down to chris looking up to me, i weakly smile, "omg y/n youre awake" he very gently hugs me, trying not to hurt me. "what happened?" i managed to ask, he frowns at my question, "you dont remember?" i shake my head, biting my bottom lip furrowing my eyebrows. "oh um" he looks down at our hands holding eachother, "chris?" i grow concerned from his lack of speaking, "what um whats the last thing you remember?" he lifts his eyes to meet mine, "um the day we smoked together and then i went home with more" i answer, tilting my head to the side a little, his eyes widen, and he takes a deep breath in, "ill tell you everything but let me get a doctor to make sure youre okay, youve been out for a while" he says about to let go of my hand, i grip his hand not letting him go "what do you mean for a while" i frown, "youve been unconscious for a week-" "WHAT??" i shout, shooting forward sliding up on my elbows, "y/n-" he begins as a nurse walks into the room.
"oh y/n youre awake" she says with surprise, i nod pursing my lips, "ill be right back let me get a doctor" she walks out of the room, i look to chris and open my mouth to speak but then the doctors walks in. "hello y/n, glad to see youre awake" i nod in response, the doctor looks down at his clipboard, "so it says here that you have been unconscious for a week due to a spiked overdose" my eyes widen looking between the doctor and chris, "we found a large amount of drugs in your system so we drained them, there might be some left but wont be for long" i nod as he speaks, trying to take in everything "i believe you'll have to stay for another 2 nights just to check over you because as i said you had a large amount of drugs in your system, im quite surprised you survived" my face drops, i couldve died from drugs? drugs? when did i even do drugs? i mean i smoked with chris but weed cant kill you can it? what the fuck happened? my mind races with thoughts as the doctor keeps speaking. "y/n?" chris snaps me out of it "hm?" "are you okay" i nod, but chris sees straight through me, he always has, "y/n" he says i let out a breath "i dont know" i faintly speak, "whats on your mind?" he genuinley asks "i, i dont know, alot i guess, he said i couldve died. like death. thats terrifying, and on drugs?? i dont do drugs, i promised Blake i wouldnt after dad left us for them, and then Blake, he almost-" i choke up, tears brinking my waterline "its okay" chris reassures, drawing shapes on the back of my hand "im just so confused about all of it" i sigh looking down at my lap, chris shakes his head before reaching hand his to my face to look at him "im so sorry y/n" i furrow my brows as he moves his hand back to mine, "we smoked and then you started buying weed to take the edge off, then you wanted something stronger, and i tried to say no, i did but i shouldve kept my foot down but i just couldnt say no to you, and then when i finally refused you ran out saying youre going to get it from someone else and then i-" he rambles, a lump getting stuck in his throat as a tear falls down his cheek, "i found you passed out unconscious on the sidewalk" he quietly adds looking down.
i dont know what to think, my heart is beating out of my chest, and i feel like i cant breath as my vision starts to blurr, "y/n?" i look towards him but i dont say anything "y/n calm down its okay, look copy my breathing" he instructs bringing my hand to his chest, i try my best to do as he says but its so hard to concentrate on anything, he notices my struggles and whispers under his breath "please dont hate me" before leaning in and kisses me gently, my eyes widen in surprise but i then lean into it, kissing him back, which i can tell shocks him as i feel his worries fade away. I slowly pull back looking back and forth from his bright blue eyes, a gentle smile across my face which he mirrors. "what was that for?" i softly ask, "i-um saw online that holding your breath stops panic attacks and when i kissed you-" "i held my breath" i finish his sentence with a smile "yea" he confirms. i sit forward wrapping my arms around his waist "thank you" i whisper into his chest, "you really dont have to thank me y/n" he replies, hugging me back.
-timeskip-2 days-4:30am-
i jolt awake in a huge coughing fit, chris wakes up soon after rubbing my back trying to help me, i move my hand away from my mouth after feeling a cold sensation on my palm, i look down to see it covered in blood, my breathing becomes heavy as i panic "chris?" i look up to his panicked face, "ill get a doctor" he says quietly before rushing to the door, while he shouts for a doctor, i start coughing again, more blood leaving my mouth, chris looks back to me quickly before doing a double take with widened eyes, "omg y/n your nose" he rushes to my side, i bring my hand to my nose wiping it to see what he means, to reveal that my nose is also bleeding.
a doctor rushes in to see me sat up on the bed with blood over my hands, chin and falling from my nose, with chris by my side with his hand on my back. he shouts another doctor from the hallway who walks in, they rush over to me and bring me out of the room, "wait whats happening? chris? wait!" i look around to try comprehend whats happening, i see chris shout from a little behind me "y/n! wait!" before a doctor pulls him to the side. i didnt even notice that they had put an anaesthetic face mask over me until i started drifting to sleep.
-timeskip-10am-
i slowly wake up, my head is pounding as the nurse is taking my blood pressure "oh y/n hi how are you?" she asks kindly noting down the results, "i guess im okay my head is pounding tho" she nods "ill get you something for that" she smiles as she walks out "wait wheres chris?" i try ask quickly before she exits but shes already gone. i look around the new room im in, im not connected to tubes anymore but i still have a cannula in my arm. i grow worried about where chris is so i press the button for a nurse to come back, "hi y/n i have you some tablets for your headache" she places them on the table to my right joined by a plastic cup, "thanks, wheres chris?" i ask again, she looks up from placing down the meds, "i believe he is talking to the doctor about your condition-" "my condition? what do you mean?" i cut her off, "i cant say anything as im only a nurse, i will get a doctor for you" and with that she walks away leaving me confused. what does she mean my condition? i thought i just overdosed but im fine now, i should be able to leave tomorrow "oh shit.." i mumble remembering what had happened a couple hours prior.
chris shuffles walks in after 10 minutes, "hey n/n" he greets quietly looking at his shoes, "are you okay?" i ask sensing his low mood, he shakes his head before looking up to me, he opens his mouth to speak but quickly closes it again, "chris whats going on?" i tilt my head to the side with a concerned frown, he brings his hands out of his hoodie pocket and holds onto mine, he goes to speak again before being interrupted by a doctor walking in, "hello y/n, how are you?" he asks, i frown and bluntly reply "whats going on? why isnt anyone telling me anything?" he purses his lips before taking in a deep breath "im sorry y/n, we tried everything we can think of but there seems to be no change." my frown deepens, "what are you on about?" i agitatedly ask, why cant anyone be straight up with me and as if he read me mind he reveals the truth "youre dying y/n, we dont know how long you have left but-" i interrupt him, tears start to form in my waterline "yeah right you have to be fucking with me! no! this cant be happening-" i look to chris whos stood looking at his feet, tears falling down his face as he holds onto my hand, "chris" i say faintly, he looks up to me, with his bottom lip tucked inbetween his teeth, "im so sorry y/n" he whispers, "no chris this isnt your fault please dont blame yourself, this is in no way your fault" i reassure him before bringing him into a hug, my tears fall onto the middle of his shirt where my face is against.
-timeskip-half hour later-
me and chris layed together in my hospital bed, nick and matt came to the hospital as soon as chris texted him the news, when they walked in you could easily tell they had been crying. when i first saw them i started to cry before moving up onto my knees bringing them all into a group hug, all that could be heard from our room was our quiet sobs. "im so sorry" i softly say to them all pulling away from the hug, slumping back down onto the bed, "what? y/n no dont apologise its not your fault" nick says grabbing my hands as the boys sit on the bed with me, "i knew i shouldve have gone to that dealer, i knew he was dodgy but i did it anyway" i manage to say between sobs, "you wasnt thinking clearly y/n, it wasnt your fault" matt places his hand onto my ankle, rubbing his thumb to try calm me, while chris brings me into a side hug.
for the rest of the day we sat together, talking about all sorts and reminiscing on happy memories, tears were shared as the sun started to set, the doctors said i would pass in my sleep tonight. chris sspeaks up "no this cant be happening. not yet, youre only 19, you havent lived yet, how the fuck is this fair?" i bite my lower lip, looking down as i shake my head, "chris not now please, i know its not fair but we cant do anything to change it, the doctors said they tried everything" matt says with a shaky voice, i feel my eyes become droopy, and i feel really tired all of a sudden "chris.." i whisper before everything goes black.
-NO POV-
"chris.." chris look to the girl on his side to see her head fallen and eyes closed. "y/n? y/n wake up" chris shoots up to stand, matt and nick get up to running out for a doctor. "please y/n wake up i cant lose you, not yet please" chris begs while shaking her, "Y/N WAKE UP" he shouts, tears threaten to leave his eyes, a doctor rushes into the two, he brings his hand to her neck checking her pulse, he closes his eyes taking in a breath before shaking his head, "no.." chris breaks down, "no please there has to be something you can do, i cant lose her please" he cries out to the doctor on the other side of her bed, "im sorry kid, we really did try" anger rises in chris's chest at the doctors words "youre lying! if you tried everything she'd still be here!" he yells at him, matt and nick rush to his side, both of them in tears but still trying to calm his brother, the doctor sheds a tear while pulling a sheet over y/ns lifeless body, chris steps forward stopping the sheet "no wait, can i atleast say goodbye?" he gently asks the doctor nods and walks out of the room. chris's head falls down closing his eyes, "im so sorry y/n" he whispers, "i shouldve said no, i shouldve helped you properly, its all my fault" he chokes out, "chris its not your fault" nick says from behind him placing a hand on chris's shoulder. chris turns to his brothers and immediately breaks into tears, his knees give in and he falls onto the floor, the boys quickly bring him into a hug, attempting to comfort his brother.
-timeskip-3 months-chris pov-
i stopped doing and dealing drugs completely, i flushed them all that night i just couldnt stand to have them anymore. me, matt and nick didnt leave eachothers side for a week after she died, we all slept in matts room together, it was a bit squished but we didnt want to be alone.
i visit her grave everyday and just tell her about my day and everything. im almost 100% sure shes there when i talk to her, its like i can feel her presense when im there and i never want to leave.
"chris cmon its getting late we should go" matt says standing up, "no, can we stay a little longer?" i ask not looking away from y/ns headstone, "its almost half 11 we gotta leave eventually" "okay okay, just not yet.."
-
ahh i feel like this is a bit shit but oh well, i started writing it in like feb now finished it in may 💀
also i have only smoked once so if im way off then pls spare me lmao
anyways honest feedback is always appreciated <333
taglist: @m0r94n @chrisgetsmewetterxo @raysmayhem-72 @junnniiieee07 @sturnzsblog @sturniolo-slvt
#sturniolo triplets#sturniolo triplets x reader#sturniolo triplets imagines#sturniolo triplets angst#sturniolo triplets fanfic#sturniolo triplets fluff#sturniolo angst#sturniolo#sturniolo fanfic#sturniolo x reader#christopher sturniolo#chris sturniolo#chris sturniolo fanfic#matt sturniolo#matthew sturniolo#nick sturniolo#nicolas sturniolo
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Irony
leeknow x y/n
MDNI:(18+) - spanking,p in v,unprotected sex (make sure to wrap it before you tap it lovelies),afab reader
a/n-i’m not very experienced in the sexual/smut department and i’m fairly new to writing.If anyone sees this and likes it or has any requests please don’t hesitate.Also,don't hesitate to give me any tips on writing.Enough with my yapping and read on.
(This is in first person readers pov btw and with no specified body types)
_____________________________________________________________
“Do I look like I’m messing around? Do I look like I won’t punish you?
I looked into his eyes again trying to find a hint of irony.Nothing.He was dead serious.The same boyfriend who treats me like an angel and spoon feeds me everything was now threatening me with punishment.What a switch up.
“Baby you can't be for real.”I say as I pout at him.
All this over a joke.A very racy one at that but still a joke.All i said was that i rather sit on his friends face then go on a date with him.As.A.Joke.Of course i would love to go on a date with him, he’s MY boyfriend.
“Minho, you know I'm joking.” I kiss all over his neck especially on his heart shaped Adams apple but he resists me.
“Get over my knee now.” He says with an emotion I can’t put my finger on.
I’m scared he’s never punished me for anything before even when I did something completely wrong.I reluctantly get over his knee and he pulls my shorts down.
“Good girl,I hope this will help you learn to not push my buttons.”
He spanks me
“Ah~” I let out pathetically
This is not a new feeling.It’s like he’s edging me with every spank.I feel like whore for liking it so much,i can't even think it’s overstimulating but it makes me feel so submissive.
“Minho please~” I whimper
“What’s wrong slut?You’re clearly enjoying it your panties are soaked.”He smirks
“Is it too much for little princess to handle?”He mocks me
Well,yes but I will not give in so soon I need to make him submit to me.But how?
“Daddy ,please.” I moan as my legs start to shake
He spanks me for what feels like the hundredth time
“Daddy?How much of a whore can you be?” He chuckles as i hear his belt unbuckle
FINALLY.i’ve been waiting for some action(Let me retract my statement so i don’t seem like a slut) He flips me so im facing him and he kisses me aggressively like a starved man.I gasp for air everytime he tries to rip my bra off until he reaches my pebbled nipples and twists them watching my face contort in pleasure
“So pretty”He groans out as I flip him over and I play with his boxers waistband.
“Off?Please.” I beg him
He nods.I eagerly rip off his boxers and I reveal his handsome cock.Minho loses all sense of patience,tugs my panties to the side and rubs his tip on my slit.
“S’wet just for me.” he says with hazy eyes
Holy shit when did he get so fucked out?
“Just for you Daddy.”
Holy shit when did I get so fucked out.Come to think of it i’ve been moaning so loudly from the start.He’s right i’m such a whore.
“Need you to fuck me now.” I say desperately
“Anything for you princess.”
It slips in at the right angle and I fall apart.Our sticky chests pressed against each other as we pant like dogs in each others ears.Fuck,I could die like this.The pleasure gets a billion times better as he hits the spot,bullseye everytime.If i wasn’t in Lala land right now i’d probably be able to disguise my moans so my neighbours dont think i’m a pornstar.
“Minho I-i’m gonna cum~” I guide his hand to my puffy clit as he looks in my eyes and I pout waiting for a kiss.Instead he nibbles on my neck, my orgasm building up and the familiar feeling in my stomach arriving.
“Want to cum together.” He holds my hand and i arch my back
The moment is so sentimental and I clench on him like a vice as I try to remain in eye contact with his soft boba eyes and tofu cheeks.I let go as I see white and my body goes limp.
___________________________________________________________
I hear the faint sound of water and I wake up in a bath.
“You finally woke up Kitten.”he washes me gently “You blacked out after squirting so perfectly for me,must of felt good.”he whispers cheekily
“Felt so good.” I whisper back
“I love you Minho.”
“I love you y/n.”
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hello.. im back from reading them.. uh and HUGE spoiler warning, like spoilers for everything cuz i cant keep my mouth shut.. this is also really long so im so sorry if you actually read this 😭😭 i just wanted to yap
OHMYGOD!?
ok. so. chase is burnt out, thats rlly sad 😭 hope he isnt too burnt out that its effecting him way more than he can handle,
his beach boys outfit is adorable. deacon not being on the island and chase being stuck with buddy i knew was gonna be terrible from the start. when i saw chase hand buddy a water bottle to light the fire i thought it was sweet that they were getting along, same with buddy telling chase he can have the second fish.
at first, i thought buddy was hearing the whispers so i didnt really think much of it.
the “buddy being a vampire and chase freaking out” was really funny, i found that hilarious and just chase thinking buddy was cute (even if he said it was in “a jerk way”, it was still nice and i wonder how that will go down (after the most recent chapter)
buddys face when chase pulled the chocolate out looked like a dog seeing a ball, it was adorable ngl
my heart sank when chase made a comment about buddy not being treated well and then buddy shivered.. like hm i seriously wonder how he actually is being treated, yk? like all we see of him is him being a jerk and just genuinely not giving a shit about anyone or anything (until the most recent chapter in which ill get into that in a second..)
deacon was not having a fun time with the seagulls 😭😭😭 rip deacon 😔
the way chase bribed buddy with the last bar of chocolate was so funny
chase hit buddy in the face with a ball 😃👍🏼
buddy then threw chase in the ocean and called him tiny (damn bro making fun of his height, its okay chase is just fun sized ☠️)
buddy with curly wet hair felt weird but it looked nice on him
i found it sweet that chase wanted to help buddy, even if all buddy has been towards him was rude. shows what type of person chase is and it makes me love his character so much, everyone needs their own chase lol
i know buddys main goal is to get the keys, and so it would be very unlikely that he would throw that away to become friends with chase, but man. when chase called him out on it and the shattered heart image in the background… awh man.
the small fight they had was sad, but once buddy left chase was sitting on the ground crying, i may be wrong but i dont think we have seen him crying until now, right? brb lemme go check
ok i like reread the entire thing and few times we saw him cry was when we saw him visit myra for the first time in the story (that we see ofc) and it was just for a split second, and also in the same episode visiting his fathers grave, he seemed to cry a smige more but thats all.
+ while doing the research for that, i realized that in the very first episode chase got a black eye and when he went out of the book, he didnt have it anymore. so (again ill get into this when i get into the most recent chapter and what happened then) but at the same time, the second episode was more of a “hey! this is how this mess started!” sorta thing, so we dont know the timing of it.
in the morning when chase wakes up and sees buddy, from the way buddy is speaking im pretty sure he was upset about the conversation the night before too, as he’s never been that violent with anything towards chase before. im not saying buddy is a violent person, but at the same time, its concerning a bit how he took “the two characters have an argument “ and his anger took over him and make it a hostile argument instead of verbal.
“and if they do make you miserable, you deserve it” hm i get that chase is upset, i mean buddy is quite literally being a psychopath at this point in the story, but man.. when i read that i was just in amazement that that came to mind, i dont blame the guy ofc but still. didnt go over well, buddy seemed to be pretty affected by it, which brings up again, i do genuinely wonder how the ex libris is treating him to make him so easily shaken / angry when its brought up.
buddy hurt chase. now to be fair, chase sorta (i think) kicked him and made buddy land face first in the sand etc. but he didnt draw blood. buddy drew blood, now what i noticed when this happened is buddys first instinct was to drop the spear and instantly basically panic. its clear he didnt genuinely mean to hurt chase, but he still did.
now as said above, we dont know if these injuries can travel from book to real life, as we dont have solid proof that they do. but its obvious, even if its fake, that the characters still feel it, so that must have hurt a lot (ofc it did lynx you dumbass bro is literally bleeding on his face 😒) but if they do travel to the real world, how is chase going to hide it? its a slash under his eye on his cheek, decent size too. doesnt seem that easy to cover. i mean, he does have like 47 skin care products so maybe he can cover it with that somehow but im not sure
back onto the point above, buddy’s first instinct was to (first pause and stare) and then drop the spear, making it clear he didnt mean nor, even want to hurt chase maybe. buddy is usually good with his words and with what he says, it all comes out perfectly as if he is reading a script when he speaks. he was choking on his words, “trying” to explain why that happened.
“n-no, i-“ “i didnt mean that, i just-“ “i wasnt…”
he was obviously not prepared, nor did he want to. again, he was after the keys, he wasn’t after hurting anyone.
(which this is all quite obvious, however i love to yap and i have no friends in person that also like cinderella boy so shush let me nerd out for a sec)
it kinda felt uncomfortable seeing buddy so.. what’s the word? unsettled? upset? surprised? one of those, maybe all three. this entire episode for the most part felt off putting, buddy not being his “ha i dont care, just go away” persona and instead getting pissy (more that usual) and even upset at the end. it just didnt feel right and its so obvious that after this the next story that chase goes into (if he continues) will be so different compared to these when it comes to interactions with buddy.
“youre just a scum, you know that?” YIKES BRO 😭💀💀 chase is uh yeah i just wanted to mention that line
seeing chase with tears in his eyes, obviously looking genuinely scared and saying “all i wanted to do was help” HURT MY SOUL. again, mentioned above, we rarely see him cry, and the only times we did was when visiting his sick mom and his fathers grave. thats it. the fact that hes cried now twice because of something buddy has done is huge, dont ya think?
chase ran away crying, which ykw i dont blame him, buddy’s body language was also a huge giveaway that he genuinely felt bad because again, hes usually so confident in the way he poses, and from the moment he hurt chase to the end of the episode, he was holding himself, just standing there.
also the fact that the last panel is one of the chocolate bar wrappers blowing towards buddy’s feet was also interesting. like putting salt water into a cut yk? (haha get it cuz theyre on a beach island and chase has a cut.. haha.. okay sorry)
SUMMARY/THEORIES
okay so these were a LOT to take in, and chase being already burnt out might be a reason he cried so easily, but you never know. i think buddy gaining chase’s trust without trying and KNOWING (or probably knowing) he had chases trust and just not caring and broke it without a thought kinda sucks, but as said TWICE. we dont know his situation. for example, what if he will get hurt or someone around him will if he doesnt get these keys? we dont know why he does what he does so we cant really excuse nor can we blame him.
i saw them getting along and from that second i knew it was going to end terribly.
my theory is, that when deacon comes back he will see chase hurt and upset, and buddy either will be no where in sight (very likely) or he will be very quiet and not making a single noise in the background. deacon will see chase, probably be really confused and then realize who chase was around. now, im not that great at reading characters.. unless like i study them HARD so all this next stuff just might be bs, but ima say it anyways because its tumblr.
now, i think once they get out of the book, deacon will beg chase to tell him what happened, if he didnt already in the book, even if deacon already knows without saying. deacon, being deacon, will probably panic, and either 1) try to convince chase its a bad idea to continue. 2) try to convince chase to take a break and make deacon do them for a small period of time (very unlikely). or 3) deacon will be hesitant to continue, but if they do then he will be a lot more protective of chase, and possibly look more into books completely without any sort of villain.
its obvious there could ALSO be other scenarios, but these are the ones i came up with. another is that chase could stop completely, and just give up. but thats HIGHLY unlikely as its literally part of the story and silver and bronze will probably try to support him.
now, with the chase and buddy dynamic… oh wowie. this is a slow burn enemies to lovers story, which means this wont be miserable for a long time, however it still asks the question “well how are they going to react towards one another” and my GOOD friends, who the fuck knows. (punko thats who)
however! its impossible for them to go along and pretend it never happened, because its clear they were both hurt by it. even if it wasnt completely just physically. maybe buddy will stop appearing in the books for a second? what if he’s replaced by another member? ikik unlikely. okok, well what if in the stories buddy just stays quiet and entirely follows along with his character? i feel like that wouldnt last long and i dont think buddys that much of a jerk to try and dodge it. chase? i feel like chase would try to dodge it, i mean after this he has to fear buddy a little right? they could also be a lot meaner to one another, but i also see that as very unlikely. i can see chase being more cold, but for some reason i cant imagine buddy being as rude as he was in the beginning, or even rude to being with.
all in all, i really dont know what theory to go with, MAN I WANNA NERD OUT MORE ABT THIS. 😭😭😭 (yk w someone who will actually listen cuz my friends irl dont give a shit)
holy shnizer that was a lot of words... okay well if you read all of that then we might as well be friends cuz man i talk a lot about subjects i like.. BUT YEA. WILD RIDE. WOWIE.
me when it comes to cinderella boy:
#webtoon#cinderella boy#webcomic#chase hollow#buddy cinderella boy#buddy x chase#cinderella boy webtoon#spoiler warning#holy shit#i cant think straight
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@jegulus-microfic | may 5 surface | words: 1,2k
part 2
hi, i had a bad day again and i needed to let it out somehow so here we are. idk if the trigger warnings are accurate but that’s what i was thinking while writing this so yeah idk where im going with this
tw: anxiety, self hatred, implied suicidal thoughts, implied child abuse, swearing, underage smoking
James Potter was always the cheerful guy, always willing to help and support others. The perfect son and friend. The motherfucking sunshine.
At least on the surface.
Inside his mind, though, there was a constant party. And it wasn’t even the fun kind of party with good music and fun people around—it was the kind of party you wanted to get out of as soon as you got there. He felt like he was a burden to everyone all the time. Any time he said something, he went over it in his head for the next ten minutes, wondering if he didn’t say anything rude or if he didn’t come out as dumb. His anxiety was suffocating, making him doubt himself every moment of every day. And the worst of it all was that he couldn’t show it to anyone, not even Sirius, Peter, or Remus, afraid they would start treating him like a lost child. So he was alone with his thoughts most of the time.
Until one night, when he met Regulus at the Astronomy Tower.
The younger boy was sitting against the stone wall, smoking cigarette after cigarette and writing something in a notebook.
James, not wanting to disturb him, took a seat several metres away from him, turning his head up and closing his eyes. He just needed to breathe for a moment after spending yet another day worrying if his friends actually liked him or just pretended to out of pity.
He took one deep breath in, held it, and let it out on a long exhale. Another one. And an—
“Are you okay?” A soft voice came from his right side.
James opened his eyes, turning to the other boy, who was already looking back at him.
He had a few options: pretend he didn’t hear him (rude), lie (as always), or tell the truth.
And still, to this day, he doesn’t know what made him choose the third option.
Taking another deep breath and letting it out quickly, James shook his head. “Nope,” he said, looking back up. “You?”
There was a moment of silence, and James instantly started scolding himself for being too nosy. But then, as soft as before, “Nope.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“Do you?” Regulus asked, sounding irritated, at least to James.
“If you don’t want to, we don’t have to. We can keep sitting in silence, pretending we're not here together,” he replied, sounding exhausted even to himself.
Another bit of silence.
“Yeah, okay.”
And so they sat, pretending like they didn’t see each other. James could see the moon travelling through the night sky, meaning he sat there for hours, but he still wouldn’t move. The thoughts, even though they were a little quieter, were still there.
They don’t need you.
You’re too much.
You’re a burden.
He could feel the tears gathering in his eyes and started blinking them away as soon as one of them tried to escape.
Another series of deep breaths and long exhales.
Finally, after another hour or so, he decided he was too sleepy to keep sitting there. He stood up, dusted off his pyjama bottoms, and went to the door.
“Same time tomorrow?” James heard before leaving. It made him turn just to see Regulus smoking another cigarette and looking straight ahead.
After a moment of consideration, James answered with a quiet ‘yeah’ and left the tower.
***
They kept meeting like that for the next few weeks, each night sitting a little closer to each other, always asking if the other wanted to talk about their wellbeing, and always ending up pretending they didn’t see each other.
But one night, something changed.
James sat on the cold stone just half a metre away from Regulus, looked up at the sky, and asked, “Are you okay?”
“Nope. You?”
“Nope. Do you want to talk about it?”
The answer didn’t come right away as usual; there was a small pause before Regulus practically whispered, “Yes, actually, I do.”
“Oh” was all James could muster. That was new; he wasn’t prepared for that. But after all those years of being a shoulder to cry on, he knew the drill. “What happened?”
He could see the conflict in Regulus’ eyes when he looked at him, like the younger boy regretted his decision already. But to James’ shock, he started talking.
“You know about my parents, so I won’t talk about them, even though they’re the main reason I feel like shit all the time. You probably also know about my relationship with Sirius, so—“
“Yes, I know,” he interrupted, “but only from his perspective; you can tell me how you feel about it. If you want to, no pressure.” And Regulus looked at him like he had just grown another head.
“That’s strangely... kind,” he muttered, clearing his throat. After another pause, Regulus continued. “Yeah, well, I get that he’s mad at me because I haven’t left with him. And to him, it probably seems like I chose them, but I didn’t—you don’t need to believe me, but by staying with them, I chose him.” The boy took a long, shuttering breath, his bottom lip trembling a little.
“What do you mean?” James asked, stretching his hand out and laying it between them, giving Regulus the option to grab it if he needed it.
“I mean that if I ran with him,” he kept going after a long exhale, “they would try to find us and get us both home, which would probably end up with at least one funeral.” Regulus laughed humorlessly. James could feel his guts turn at the statement, the thought of his best friend's possible death making him sick. “And I knew if I stayed, they wouldn’t care about going after him because there was still an heir. They would give up on him, which meant he could be happy with Remus—yes, I know about them; they’re not really subtle, are they?—and have a normal life outside of this fucked-up family. So I stayed. After all he’s done for me, that is the least I could do in return,” he ended, whipping at his cheeks and sniffing slightly.
James wanted to reach for him, take him into his arms, and just hold, hoping it would soothe the pain a little. But instead, he just said, “You can run away and live with us, you know? My house is big enough to take you there, too,” which earned him a wet huff of laughter and a sarcastic ‘yeah, right’. “I mean it.”
“Okay, I’ll keep that in mind,” Regulus retorted. “Now tell me why you are not okay.”
And so James did.
He told Regulus all about his fears and the never-ending party; how he’s afraid his friends only pretend to be his friends; how he always feels like he’s too much for everyone; and how he sometimes thinks they would all be better off without him.
When he was done, the other boy just stared at him with wide eyes.
#jegulus#james potter#regulus black#james x regulus#starchaser#sunseeker#dead gay wizards#the marauders#jegulus microfic#hogwarts au#james potter needs a hug#regulus black also needs a hug#they’re both just a tad bit sad#angst ig#angst no comfort#1k words or more#by: allyeardepression#i’m so tired
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Hi, I used to draw a lot but I've not drawn/created for a long time now, any tips to get back into it?
Or rather the whole thing about making art for yourself, I used to get a lot of attention for being good at art from other ppl and I'm not sure how to connect it back to myself again
I'm also contending with the Autism "It needs to be done in this way" and the ADHD "I can't focus for shit"
Also please don't worry if you don't know what to say, I'm just trying to get a variety of opinions to try and untangle my brain
Thank you in advance 💕
i think a good way to get back into creating *for yourself* whether its to come out of a dry spell or just to get back to creating things that you like, is what i call 'backtracking' (bearing in mind that my particular methods may only work for me! im lucky ive never struggled with focus when it comes to drawing things, but maybe some of these things will help as my main goal when drawing is to entertain myself!)
also before i move on this i think is valuable: you gotta draw things that you aren't gonna post sometimes. it's fun and fulfilling to make art for an audience, and wanting attention is not shameful (ITS HUMAN!) but also we live in panopticon times and i think its good to train your "i am alone doing something for myself and no one has to see it" muscles.
backtracking is a couple different things:
look back to when you were really young. what kinds of drawings were the most fun to do? what did you spend time on or get really into? for me, this was a few things! tracing cartoons, drawing up elaborate scenes of lots of little creatures doing a thing, and designing little characters as paper dolls and making their houses and little furniture and accessories and such to cut out and play with. also getting paint all over my hands (i still paint my whole hand whenever im done doing something with acrylics before i wash up! its stimming)!
backtracking here is when you try to take those things and make use of them now. try to find that old joy and use it in a way that makes you happy today, even if it's something small or silly or embarrassing. it can really help you rediscover what parts of art make YOU happy!
if you're regularly drawing and in a slump, backtracking for me is stepping back and doing either more exercises and practising the things you feel like you already know how to draw (ie. studying angles of the face or pulling up imgs of rooms on pinterest to see how normal people arrange furniture etc.), or simplifying your drawings to a level that feels more relaxing and less stressful. (ie. chibis instead of more detailed characters etc.) i find i kind of fall back to chibis when i feel lost, and then sort of rebuild from there. its fun to let my style change as i grow!
ALSO! im telling your autism this for your adhd's sake (this is useful for anyone i think): if there is a part of art that you do not enjoy doing or find boring but you feel it is an important or necessary step in the process? the secret is it isnt! art is made up. if you hate lining, dont do it! if youre a digital artist and get caught up picking a brush every time because you feel like you need the perfect one? switch to mspaint for a bit to get the nerves out. it can be really freeing!
art is for having fun and fulfilling our need to create. the rules are all made up and not real. perfectionism is the little death that something something i forget. yeah
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it is kinda crazy the degree to which im neurotically picking apart every comment i ever make to be absolutely sure im being fair to everyone involved and not overstepping and not exaggerating and accepting that other people are allowed to be messy when theyre upset and then its just like not reciprocated at all even a little bit. i cant even say what im upset about bc i will delete it two seconds later. which is so annoying right. im like a cross between a centrist and a monk
#c.paradisi#this isnt even abt anyone i know i am letting myself be upset by random peopleonthe internet again. sorry do you still love me#and i dont have anyone i can talk to about it bc what if i AM exaggerating or being unfair in my true feelings#honestly i am jealous of people who just automatically assume theyre morally superior and dont care abt anyone who isnt exactly like them#like sure theyre the source of my problems but it must be nice to just not have to think about tha.t you know#BUT LIKE AGAIN im not even helping anyone with this??????#its more annoying to interact with me bc im so neurotic about this so im really noncommittal and vague#idk. they should make a self awareness that just makes your problems go away once you can articulate them#WHATEVER. this is probably mostly me trying to avoid thinking abt all the other bad stuff happening right now#i guess ill just go back to hoping the friends i never message will clairvoyantly know to check up on me
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Did anyone else get roped back into liking fnaf after the movie like that SpongeBob episode where Sandy lassos Patrick back to her and he explodes
#silly little personal thing I had to express haha#I probably do a decent job of hiding it#but i was really into fnaf when it came out#and now after several years of stepping away#im fully back into the universe again#I didn’t even know pizzeria simulator or help wanted or security breach existed#until like a month ago#and now im caught up on lore and DEVOURING FNAF CONTENT#so much new good music#so many animations#the vhs tapes are sick#the interviewed series is amazing if anyone else has watched that please talk to me about it#I am still a Kirby main on here yes haha#but when I love franchises I love VERY DEEPLY#fnaf#five nights at freddy's#fnaf movie#the silver eyes
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this guy is honestly making me question too much shit
bc there's no way in hell is just that nice, right?
at this point either: 1. he's being this nice and kind bc he has a crush on me, 2. he's honestly that nice, which will make me have a crush on him, bc omg. he's just the nicest person ever
#aj rambles#sorry but this guy is making me so confused#especially since i was having an “am i even attracted to guys” phase - which is not helping this situation at all......#but like ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh#context if you're nosy: i sent an email to all students on my department with a forms to see if anyone could help in the data acquisition#but like this procedure takes an hour - i said so in the email - so i thought no one would be interested#and he just volunteered?? in the forms?? didn't even tell M - who introduced us - to ask me about it. no he volunteered as if he is actuall#interested in this#which i know he isn't bc i talk to him LOL#and like he does stuff like this all the time. like talk to me if he sees me alone - not just hi - he actually asks about stuff#he's watching an anime bc i recommended it to him. stuff like that#but maybe he's just that nice.#he also talks to my other girl friends like this ig#but we have more *moments* like once we seated together gossiping about his bff's love life LOL#idk#again maybe he's that nice. but then bad new's for my heart bc that is just the sweetest thing#ALSO HE'S SHY!!!!! LIKE BLACK CAT ENERGY!! IM A SUCKER FOR THAT#Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh#anyways omg im so sorry for this rant. this makes me think im overreacting#but idc
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MIKE BLOCKED ME ON TWITTER FOR ROASTING HIS DUMBASS RESPONSE TO THE GRAPHIC NOVEL STUFF!!
grown ass man scared of the 19-year-old queer being mean to him over his public meltdown more at 8.
#ramblez#little white boy sad? U sad bc nobody likes you? Bc u constantly make a fool of urself and show off ur distaste for ur fans? lmao#this is one of the greatest things to ever happen to me imagine how mad he'll be when he finds out the fangame Im making has queers in it#hes gonna have a whole other white boy meltdown on main KJSNFDGKJHFGKJHGKJHSDFGSD#hes so fucking sensitive maybe just get off of social media Mike this never ends well for you#batim#batdr#bendy and the ink machine#bendy and the dark revival#and look Im joking around about this but it really is sad that the bendy devs cant handle this kind of critique towards their decisions#it seems despite the backlash once again they are choosing to ignore their fans which is yknow upsetting#But hey ig if the devs being awful was a dealbreaker for this fandom I wouldve left a long time ago and I havent#dw Im not going anywhere <3#also if anyone else here was also criticizing Mike maybe check his acct to make sure ur not blocked now since apparently#old habits die hard and this is certainly a pattern with him KJHDSFKGJHSDKFGJHDFGSD#also look before anyone asks yes I was kinda mean to him over this but to put bluntly if hes gonna be this dismissive to his fans concerns#he deserves it. Theres this persistent attitude esp in bendy fanspaces of being defensive of the devs#and I dont know why they have been extremely horrible people every single chance they get#and its very hurtful to see how many people would rather tell me to be kinder to the people who broke the heart of a child me when they#dismissed any ideas of putting queers like me in their stories than to realize Mike n Meatly bring this bad attention to themselves#to put bluntly I dont owe them kindness not until they at least apologize for the shit they did which they still havent#mike hasnt even addressed his vent poem in the code of BATDR let alone the other shit he said n did#so no I will not be kind to him ever hope this helps!
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#csa warning for tags#ughhh ik i was just talking abt this but man. Man. constantly bullied as a child + raped as a child is a brutal combo huh#completely irreversibly fucked up sense of intimacy. i dont want to have sex with anyone i dont care what ppl think of me looks wise but i#also care more than anything and want people to want me so bad#like when ur only experience with anyone at all finding you desirable is being raped at 6ish. fucks u up man#was constantly told by everyone i knew that i was undesirable from day fucking one. i was always the one ppl would dare their friends to#'ask out' bc everyone thought i was that bad. i never had those rumours of 'some boy likes you' without people laughing in the background#all of my friends. even the ones that were also weird kids and bullied etc etc always have stories of other kids having crushes on them or#whatever. and i just never had that. it feels like i missed out on something important#i want to be pursued by a guy i hate i want them to not leave me alone. i want to feel like im in danger. and i know how fucking disgusting#that is but i cant help it. like i feel like thats the only way im going to feel normal and wanted like theres not something inherently#wrong with me. and i know how dangerous that is but its not like it matters anyways bc still no one likes me at all.#and i know how stupid of a thing it is to obsess over like what am i 9 years old? but i just cant get it out of my head#like idk i feel like the only way im going to actually feel desirable at all is if someone tries to rape me again. or if i feel like i have#to worry about someone raping me again. i know i wouldnt feel that way if someone was like. nice about it.#bc if someone genuinely liked me and was a decent human being about it i wouldnt be able to see it as anything other than faking it for pit#i wouldnt be able to believe it. even if i wasnt waiting for them to drop the joke and start laughing at me i would always think it was jus#an act bc they feel bad for me. the only way i could ever think it's genuine and that i'm desirable at all is if someone sexually#harassed me. like idk how to explain it but thats the only way i could feel desirable at all#bc it's the only way i've ever been desirable. when i was a kid.#and it terrifies me so bad bc i know how fucking disgusting that is and how self destructive it is#but i still feel like i dont even have to really worry about being assaulted. bc i still believe im completely undesirable at my core.#i dont believe i could be desired so i dont believe i have to worry about being raped. bc no one would want to anyways#rambles#vent
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@ your tags about akiyama: no but he must’ve been so fucked up over that though??? 8 years. He was ghosted for 8 years and he knew it was bullshit the entire time but Date kept pushing him away and Kiryu never said anything to him. 8 fucking years. I’ve been turning that “guess I didn’t matter since I wasn’t part of your little gang” line in my head for WEEKS that shit HURTS (in both a good and bad way fuck you rgg but also mmmm good angst). justice for aki man he don’t deserve that shit though
THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING LIIIIIKE
it's the most cathartic feeling in the world whenever someone yells at or tells kiryu in one way or another how selfish his actions are or how his actions have hurt them or others... like thank you so much akiyama kiryu really deserves to get clocked out sometimes...
#iw spoilers#snap chats#i know people dont like akiyama but at the very least we have to agree he had the right to be upset#anyone who's supposed to believe their friend is dead for nearly a decade while they reunite with everyone else is so foul#omg eight years its like kill all your friends ....... i love that song ...#but no like i just think of that bit in y6 when kiryu came to visit him in the sewer and he was so jazzed to help him out#akiyama really was ride or die for dude i remember bro was ready to bloody his hands for him innnnnnn 4?? p sure it was 4 or 5#esp since akiyama got to act as an uncle figure for haruka i just know he saw himself as someone close to kiryu SO FOR KIRYU TO#QUITE LITERALLY GHOST HIM and had no intentions to even tell him ever.... dawg bye#date deserved that slug too EJLRKE SORRY BUT you tell EVERYONE ELSE kiryus fine but not homeboy#well. fine's a bit relative innit. cancer and all but point is#a postcard wouldve been nice... im gonna throw up thinking about it i gotta watch that scene again
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Hey y'know when you start playing a visual novel game for the funny-sillies and then it turns into a character-building exercise that has you in a hyperfixation chokehold. well
#grmfffmsdwfhkc#the arcana#the arcana game#im hyperfixating again#eewfkshjshdhsj#I just spent half of my french class looking up Australian peacock spiders and if they can exist in a climate akin to the country of Wales#I don't even know at this point but its fun#I'm sorry ms A#OH AND I HAVE SUPER INTERESTING INFORMATION REGARDING LOCATIONS because I fell down a rabbit hole help#actually don't help but still#the apprentice#if anyone's interested I'm willing to ramble about my OC I haVE LORE :DDDDDD#it started as a joke#and now I'm going bonkers bananas up the wall /pos#also spoiling the game for myself by consulting the wiki :'D#but its for the sake of character depth so its fine I think#hey question what in the name of creation is actually up with the wiki#cos it looks like everything has gone haltsies#character building#alright anyways I'm procrastinating I should go#toodle pip
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series i’m gatekeeping from my family vs series i’m ✨ok✨ with my family knowing i’m into:
#‘why do you gatekeep hw from your irls?’ well. the thing is. i just ✨don’t want to✨#and. like. i’ve already led my family to believe that i bought bl manga when i was buying idol sengen at animate#so i think im already past the point of no return in that regard. so. um. yeah.#thank you village vanguard for the unexpected μ’s content in 2k24 you truly are yappa saikyou#i s w e a r falling back into my ll phase almost 10 whole years after i first got into it is unexpected tbh#compounded with the fact that i can now actually afford whatever im looking for. so. like. my wallet is in crisis lol#i had just reached my savings goal last month but now i’ve overspent bc i saw great deals on resold honoka-chan hoodies and i couldn’t help—#so now i have 2 identical hoodies lol. but i’ll keep one of them safe in its packaging bc im unwell like that ig#my merch whaling is out of control i s w e a r but my oshis are just too cute aaaaaaaaa#i probably should open another savings account instead… maybe that’d keep my spending under control…#b u t for now honoka-chan jersey im looking for you#tfw ur oshi is decently unpopular amongst the fans so hardly anyone resells her merch lmao#so ig the relatively fewer fellow fans she has are more dedicated to her than fans of other more popular characters lol#but at least her stuff (when resold) isn’t as overpriced as the actually popular members (birb and tomato)#so my wallet isn’t crying as hard as it could’ve been? ig? hunting for almost 10 year old merch is a pain fr though#either way. the grip idol series have on my wallet is truly insane#i wonder how many bags of chips i could’ve bought with the amount i’ve spent on hw and ll merch to date…#at least a thousand… i think. maybe even 2 thousand if my past gacha game whaling is taken into consideration…#…this is probably why it’s important to have a decent paying job ig.#oh well. at least i may be making b a n k this month with how much ot i’ve had to do this week so far…#i hope i won’t have to work till 5am again over the next 2 days… that had been a horrible experience.#help what am i even talking about anymore why am i having a life crisis right here and now u m.#anyways. dni if you dislike honoka-chan. thanks for coming to my crisis rant. see you when the last stage mv drops ig ok byeeeee
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