Shhh they don’t know my characters and stories have deeper meanings behind them...

March 18 2020, yet another big milestone. 25 years. A quarter of a century. Is it a big deal or are numbers arbitrary and it’s the same amount of a deal as it ever has been? I can’t publish everything I’ve written down for this year without feeling guilty, but I also can’t step on no toes all the time. And now, I will also feel guilty posting this when there's a pandemic occurring, but, I am trapped at home with little to do other than edit and re-edit this writing to be suitable enough for the public. I started writing this on April 9, 2019, too early to start my 25th anniversary writing? I’ll guess not. So here it is, my yearly open letter to my mother with intermittent ramblings and poems about my experience moving though life as the person I am and my perceptions as a flawed but resilient female. It’s like if I put it out there, maybe I’ll somehow reach her and she will somehow let me know. Highs and lows, as usual. Just after 2 years off the sauce I had a bigger ‘aha moment’ than putting down any bottles, though one wouldn’t have happened without the other. I realized drinking wasn’t my real problem to begin with. It was people, and my desperate need for their acceptance and approval. My need to be recognized and valued instead of coddled and unconsciously kept in a box. My need to control the outcome of situations and stepping on toes in the process. After so long being alcohol free I came to see that I had to start living for me. In early June 2019 a dear friend turned me on to a book called CoDependent No More. In maybe a week’s time I absorbed every word, the narcissist in me was almost convinced that I’d written it myself, it resonated so deeply. The following week I started attending CoDA meetings. Now that so many of my grievances and ailments make sense, I only wish I’d known sooner that it was okay to live life with me as my number one priority. I didn’t know before that I didn’t have to feel responsible for other people’s actions or inactions, but my self worth had been dependent on it. I’m 95% sure my mother was CoDependent, and with that consideration, I’m able to understand her life choices better and therefore navigate my own with slightly better foresight. Wikipedia says “Codependency is a behavioral condition in a relationship where one person enables another person's addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement. Among the core characteristics of codependency is an excessive reliance on other people for approval and a sense of identity.” Now, that’s just one definition. There are many charastics to pick and choose from, and let me tell you, us codependents (I can only speak for myself) can be picky and choosy. Some people define codependency as a disease because if it goes untreated it only gets worse. I’m trying to break a lifetime of habits. Hi, My name is Blossom and I’m CoDependent. Every Monday night I go to a meeting where a group of women gather and we all try to work on ourselves to let go of whatever unmanageable ailments are keeping us shackled. It’s humbling and it fills me with hope. It empowers me to continuously seek change and clarity. Codependency is a tough one to recover from, as you can’t quit people. Once I had a name for this problem, every love song sounded different and every frustration made sense. I became able to recognize crazy making and slow down and see that I didn’t have control and things had become unmanageable. In doing so, I was able to step back and make better decisions for myself and my life and that’s how this whole last year unfolded more in my favor than any year previous. I worked on detaching and I started living for myself. March is a hard month for me. I sometimes feel so undeserving of a skin to be settled in. I writhe around in my persistent and annual grief. I start getting anxious in February wondering how it will appear this year. This March is particularly hard. I moved into a house with strangers and rarely stay there. I’ve got no place of my own to grieve, and with COVID-19 amongst us, I don’t want to take up any more emotional space while the world is feeling its current devestations and fears. My hopes for 2019 were to have more highs than lows, make my amends and reconciliations, and to keep my head mostly above water. And that was mostly the case. My aunt told me shortly after my post last year that my mom had self imposed low self esteem (now I recognize this as codependency). Watching home videos of her I feel like I could see stress in her face and I think about what she wrote in her journal about worry making her face look funny and how she didn’t want anyone to feel as she did. Maybe because it was a different time she felt like she couldn’t talk about her anxieties and had to bottle them up. I’m thinking about all the time I’ve spent transfixed by being a motherless daughter and trying to figure out where I fit into the word. I’m thinking about how long I spent tending to my father's bent and dusty wings, thinking I’d needed to see one of my parents fly so that I could’ve learned how it’s done. I’m in some required college to career success class that’s making me question my path, as if stress wasn’t doing that already. I’m laying in bed wishing that I’d figured out sooner that my wings were fine regardless of anyone else’s. I wish you were here so I could tell you all about everything. And so you could do the same. And so we could share the load. I quit smoking finally. Now my only vice is other people’s problems and trying to fix them to no avail. The eternal heartbreak I mentioned in my last letter makes more sense now. And the boy who told me to turn off the lights on my birthday sent me a podcast that said something about only being able to be loved as much as you’re willing to be vulnerable. And I think we’re all scared to be completely honest about how shitty we are, so we just perpetuate the shittiness and stay closed and unloveable. Early August 2019- I’m off track as usual, probably malnourished, definitely exhausted. This morning I was crying, I thought I wouldn’t be able to pull it together and that my eyes would be red when I got to my first job of the day. I think I was mourning. Things are going to change so much. I won’t have any more free time. I have to restructure everything. Which I think is what I wanted, but what a learning curve. I still have desperate hopes of creating a camp for motherless daughters someday. And it has to be accessible to all. But lord knows how far off in the future it is. At this time my feet are seldom beneath me, I’m sprinting forwards and if I stop I will stumble. I have to figure out my shit first I guess, and I’m putting in the worrrk. Or trying to at least. At a CoDA meeting a woman was talking about learning how to wield her anger, a thought that made me tremble. I liked the sound of it, as I have so much, and if we could turn it into a power, a force for good...it’d be all over. But I’m stifled by it, embarrassed of it. When I cancel plans it's usually because I’m embarrassed about how angry I am over something out of my control, and I can’t come down. Everyone was relatable, everyone seemed to be making progress, even if at this time it looked like a breakdown. They told their stories and I cringed inwardly, thinking of what I would have done in their situation. The time for change is now, I’m shaking in my boots. Some poetry and prose: My broken heart painted my world red slandering your name ensuring I’m to be seen as a fool who sobs wolf My depressed history understands every bit of where you come from like we have the same veins My logical self tells me that’s your burden to bear but I do everything I can to fabricate your crutches and excuse your bad behavior - Codependent Cowgirl Uncharmable. You only want your ex cause you think that’s where you can be yourself, but really that’s where was born the version of yourself you hate the most. Here I am standing strong, aching for my newest weakness. You’re having none of it. If I unclench my jaw and take a deep breath Tears roll down my cheeks THIS is relaxing So I tense back up And jump back into my cortisol spiral There is too much to get done to spend even one second thinking about you Six Sundays have passed since I’ve seen you last Codependency writes all my prose and all my sonnets All my pros and wilted bluebonnets - Go hard or go home Or go hard and stay at home, for forever because you thought you and your home would be each other’s salvation because home was the only thing that ever willingly invited you to change it and was better for it. But home got too heavy and home wouldn’t change on its own. And all the changes you did accomplish didn’t prove your worth. Plagued by nostalgia and sentiment Chronic grief Frozen in grief, and just when I begin to thaw, the temperature drops again Perpetually stressed What if to lose a parent as a child, is to lose the present. Because then you are trapped dreading the uncertainty of the future and wondering about a past you never knew and will never know, theirs. - Fuckless nights I unwittingly dusted off my fiddle strings and played as best as I could but you were never pleased. I was always out of tune or just off beat. -- And so let us not demonize others for our perceived shadows they cast and have casted We can’t all be deciphering your eccentric and elaborate needs when you’re shouting CUNT at the tips of your fingers and claiming to empower women while you dig in your claws to another. Chicken soup wasn’t enough to cleanse your soul. -- I think about you every day Literally nothing happens And I’m reminded of you I wake up I think of you I want to punch a wall I till the dirt I think of you I go on a date I don’t like him I think of you I let myself get so fucked up over you My rose colored glasses are shattered but I’m still wearing them I can’t bring myself to say nothing but nothing I say gets through to you I was operating out of a place Of fear I felt threatened by any number of women I’d never met and will never meet. I saw a message on your phone It confirmed my suspicions You drunkenly tried to explain it away I wanted to believe you but I had already poured the concrete and I cart it with me everywhere Slowly I’m leaving little bits here and there Becoming lighter - This week I wrestled with my codependency, Manic and exhausted from my nervous system vibrating I spent countless hours elbows deep in the dirt trying to find the root of it all An unsolvable problem parallel with reality Hard work makes me stronger Even if I can’t kill all the weeds Progress over perfection What even is progress? fuck my life. I’m no fun at this time. The doors will rot in the yard, my gut tells me just like the others. It’s not even a metaphor, just a strong probability, and a waste. Oh my god the realizations just keep rolling in. For hoarders the drama triangle isn’t just for people, but objects too. The doors must’ve been playing victim, and he’s gone to rescue them. The only corner left for me is The Persecutor. - Back in the thick Texas air Drawn to tough love From best friends to boyfriends Can’t get enough of the push and pull I’m nothing like the others I’m so much more with so much less You make me nervous But I don’t have much to lose I want to roll over and kiss you on the mouth I want reciprocation I want you to push my face away Just to kiss me on the neck You always get me with a twist We are scared of each other Collective hurt Collectively hurt We are missing something and are unable to accept ourselves and each other as we are I don’t know how you can lie to me Or how I can stick around for it For all those times you smash it right I guess Second best to you kissing my neck Is when I’m out of sight but on your mind I don’t fit in to some plan you thought you had I break the mold I’m quiet and bold We are anxious, we are stepping on each other’s toes Bite your tongue For better or for worse Things stay the same But with time, and your tongue between your teeth Eggshells are everywhere, splintered into our feet Make it up as you go along Keep the gas on I’m filling the space between my eyes and my rose colored glasses with wool - Same as ever Tongue between my teeth Lighting up another 100 out of 10 You wonder if you know me But you don’t give yourself the opportunity I’m right behind you writing my words that my teeth won’t allow my tongue to speak Desperation is such a drain Self inflicted low self esteem A familial affliction Looking like a 10 Feeling like a dud That low self esteem has me trembling And today was a good day - With a bottle of booze as his gate keeper He’ll never let me in I’m flushed, way too in my head Thinking up scenarios to catch you with your hands red bloodied from tearing my heart out and probably hers, too. - When I first quit drinking I felt this temporary empowerment, like I always had my wits about me. I could do anything. And then my codependency cloud settled back in, my intuition slipped back out the window. Now it’s like I’m in the desert, with a paddle, which makes even less sense than being upstream without one. It takes so much energy for me to state my needs. I’ve lived much of my life being brushed off and I predict rejection of my needs and so I try to suppress them and be ok with things as they are, but I need more. When I’m cancelled on, or am not prioritized, I need to be provided with alternatives or I feel insignificant. Reminders of my stated needs feel like nagging. I need reassurance. It’s exhausting and disheartening. -It’s the little things like when I ask if you want to do something and you tell me what you’re doing instead, without offering any alternative. Or when you tell me nothing. And I have visceral feelings that to inquire is to overstep and overstepping leads to termination. When I’m doing better I don’t write as much. Pain is romanticized, joy is foreign to me and perceived as fleeting. I’m trying to flip that script. Going to CoDA helps me in this effort. It reminds me that there is space for me and it's ok for me to have needs and taking care of myself should be step one in all of my endeavors. It's ok to say no. I don’t owe anyone anything, and also no one owes me anything. I’m closer than ever before to becoming the butterfly out of the cocoon, though I'm still very far, and that's okay. Progress over perfection. Now wash your hands and stay safe. If not for you, then for your loved ones, or your friends friends loved ones.

Skin Deep: 07

Pairing: Yoongi x Tattoo Artist!Reader (M/F) Genre: Friends to lovers, slow burn. Eventual smut. Rating: 18+ Warnings: Language, mentions of infidelity Word Count: 4.5K

1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 (links removed due to tumblr issue)

A/N: We all need a friend like Hoseok. Also, thank you for the response to the last update! I hope you enjoy this chapter, let me know what you think! 

Two weeks pass. It’s late August, nearly September, and Yoongi has not heard from you since that day. He thought that it would be easy to slip back into his routine, the way it had been for twenty-plus years of his life before he knew you, but more than ever, he feels alone.

And not just alone. But lonely.

Loneliness is something that Min Yoongi, in the past, had never really felt. He’d always had his friends, his parents, his older brother. Occasionally, a warm body that would spend the night. But he always cherished his time alone. He revelled in it, the quiet in which his muse would start to sing, where he would come up with unique beats and lyrics for his raps.

But now, as he sits alone in his studio, staring blankly at his computer screen, all he hears is deafening silence.

There’s nothing.

Yoongi closes his eyes and takes in a deep breath. He tries not to imagine your face, he really does. But it’s hard not to when everything in his apartment reminds him of you. He hasn’t tried to contact you either, taking your radio silence as a sign that you don’t want to speak to him ever again.

Not that he would blame you, after what he said.

He still replays that moment in his mind over and over and over. The look of hurt in your eyes when he accused you of making him feel inferior. The rage that bubbled over when he said someone like you.

There are so many things he should have said instead. So many truths that he’s kept hidden in the back of his mind, things he’s been afraid to vocalize because he’s never said them out loud to anyone before. Things that he never expected to feel for anyone, because Min Yoongi is not the kind of person that falls in love, or vice versa.

He rolls his chair towards his piano, his right hand tinkering on one of the higher octaves. He closes his eyes and plays a tune he’s been working on for months, one that he can’t seem to put words to. He plays the tune over and over, fucking up more than once, before his left hand joins and he starts to pound on the keys.

The melody is wistful, romantic, and heartbreaking.

Something in him shifts. The silence in his mind starts to ebb away as the words start to materialize. He hums out a melody as he plays, trying to grasp at them. When he opens his eyes, he’s surprised to find that tears are streaking down his cheeks.

Yoongi continues to play, mumbling the words that won’t stop spinning around in his head, a brutal cacophony that crescendoes until they threaten to burst forth.

I need you, girl. Why am I in love alone, why am I hurting alone?

—

Another day, another client.

It feels like, at this point, you’re completely operating on auto pilot. You smile at your customers, make small talk with them, joke and laugh, but it feels disingenuous. You think that maybe you need to buy more plants, that taking care of them will distract you from the hole in your heart that Yoongi left when you told him to leave your studio.

Yoongi.

The name alone brings forth all sorts of memories and emotions. When you have a client in your chair, you can pretend that the outside world doesn’t exist, and neither does he. But when you’re alone in your studio after a long day of work, the moon already high in the sky, you can’t help but think of him.

You liked him. You really, really liked him. Hell, you still like him. But you can’t help but recall the things he’d said to you, the fury in his voice and in those sharp eyes that you cared for so much. That memory taints all the others, a bad seed ruining all the good in the months that the two of you had gotten to know each other.

You don’t hate Yoongi. You could never, not when he occupies every part of your mind and your heart. You haven’t felt this way about anyone before, not even Namjoon.

Your relationship with Namjoon always had a power imbalance—he was your mentor, and you were his apprentice. You were under his tutelage and that’s how the two of you got into your relationship. Some of the other artists in the studio thought that you were only sleeping with him to get on his good side, and so that he would bless you with his artwork.

And you knew that wasn’t true. You had loved Namjoon, loved him so much that you were willing to overlook his flaws. Like the time you’d been catcalled by a group of men in the street, and all he said to you was that you should have worn a sweater or cardigan to cover your arms instead. You forgave him because you figured he was right—if you weren’t wearing revealing clothing, then they wouldn’t catcall you. So you started to cover yourself more, dressing the way he wanted you to dress because you figured that only he should be the one to really see your body.

You even forgave him after you’d caught him in bed with Jisoo. You were at the studio, working on renovations with Junghyun, who had volunteered to help you replace the floorboards. You’d forgotten something at home, and so you’d swung by your house, only to find Jisoo’s car parked in your driveway. It wasn’t unusual for her to stop by your house to visit you or Namjoon, but she had said that she was going to be visiting her parents, which was why she couldn’t help with the renovations that day.

Namjoon had also come up with some sort of excuse as to why he couldn’t help out that day. Something about a client requesting a session with him at a colleague’s studio. So when you opened the front door and heard the moans coming from the bedroom, you already knew what was going on.

Namjoon and Jisoo had both begged for your forgiveness. You’d thrown Jisoo’s clothes back at her, and told her to get out of your house. Once she was gone and it was just you and Namjoon, you broke down, collapsing in a heap on the floor. He held you and apologized, crocodile tears cascading down his face.

He swore it was only that one time. That it was a mistake, that he loved you, and that it would never happen again.

And you believed him.

Until you decided to go to therapy, and your therapist made you realize that their affair actually been going on for months. Jisoo and Namjoon would always have excuses for why they were late to meetings and appointments, and they spent a lot of time together apart from you. You figured it was because they were friends before you and Namjoon got together, but instead, they were going around behind your back.

You said you’d forgiven Namjoon and that you loved him. But the more you let the wound fester, the more and more you grew to resent not only him, but yourself. You always talked about how you would never stay with a cheater, how you would never be with someone who would willingly hurt you so badly. But when you found yourself in that situation, you didn’t know what else to do.

Where would you go? Who were you without him? You’d spent nearly three years of your life being Y/N and Namjoon. And then suddenly, everything was falling apart. The perfect future you thought you had with your husband-to-be and your best friend at your side crumbled until nothing was left but lies and deceit. You couldn’t live like that anymore, so you decided that you had to leave.

And leaving was the hardest thing you’d ever had to do. To walk away from someone who you thought was your everything, from your house, from your friends…it was a difficult decision. But Junghyun had opened his arms and his home to you while you searched for your own apartment. He’d been there at your studio in your stead, making sure that Namjoon collected all of his things without causing any problems.

Yes, you had loved Namjoon. But Yoongi?

Yoongi was, and still is, different. Regardless of what you’d said in anger.

He didn’t mince around words or try to manipulate you the way Namjoon did. You’d openly criticized his world view, and while he’d initially challenged you on it, he really did try to make himself better by learning and reading and accepting that people are inherently different.

He bled music and passion, and you saw that firsthand while you spent time with him at his studio. You marvelled at how he could play piano with his eyes closed, just feeling the music as his fingers danced effortlessly across the keys. He’d told you jokingly one night that his piano was his first love, that no one understood him the way his music did.

And you believed him. Because as open and as honest as he’d been with you, you knew that you’d barely scratched the surface of the enigma that is Min Yoongi. And you wanted to know more.

Being around him gave you butterflies. There wasn’t anything about Min Yoongi that you didn’t like—you liked his gummy smile, his tiny teeth, the way his chin would dimple when he pouted, the way his eyes would widen whenever he was surprised. You even liked those weird sounds he made when he was thinking, that odd slurping sound he would make with his tongue, almost as if to punctuate a question.

You sigh, running a hand through your hair. You miss him. A lot.

You stare at your phone, at the unheard voicemail from Yoongi in your inbox. You’re too scared to listen to it, too scared of what it might be. So, like a coward, you leave it and try to focus back on clearing your email inbox instead.

You’re in the process of re-reading the same sentence for the fifth time when the door swings open, the bell signalling the arrival of someone new. It’s already early evening, and you’re done tattooing for the day, so you glance up curiously at who it could be.

In your heart, you hope that it’s Yoongi.

But instead, it’s a welcome face that you haven’t seen in a long time.

“Hoseok!”

Hoseok grins at you, and you rise from your chair to run and give him a hug. He holds you close, giving you a comforting kiss on the head as he rocks you back and forth in his arms.

“Hi, sweetheart,” he murmurs into your hair. “How have you been? I don’t ever get to see your pretty face anymore.”

You rest your head against his shoulder and just allow yourself to enjoy the sensation of being held by someone. “I’ve been busy,” you say, and it’s not a lie. But you have a feeling that Hoseok knows the truth, because he rubs circles against the centre of your back and lets out a sigh.

“He’s been a wreck, you know.”

You stiffen at his words, and Hoseok holds you at arm’s length. He smiles at you, but it’s one that doesn’t quite reach his eyes. You bite your lip and look down at the ground, not wanting Hoseok to see that your eyes are getting red as you hold back your tears.

“Hey,” Hoseok ducks down slightly, trying to get you to look at him. He notices as you start to sniffle, and he guides you over to the bench so that you can both sit. “I didn’t tell you that to upset you, I’m sorry. Forget I mentioned him. How are things with you? Jimin and Jungkook ask about you all the time. So do Jin-hyung and Taehyung, come to think of it. We all miss you, you kind of just…disappeared.”

“I didn’t disappear,” you mutter, hastily wiping your eyes. “I’ve been here the whole time.”

Hoseok frowns, and you can’t help but notice that it doesn’t suit his face. “You know what I mean.”

You groan, letting your head fall against the wall. “I don’t know, Hoseok. Things have just been…well, weird. I’m sure Yoongi told you about my ex coming to see me—”

As you say his name out loud, your voice starts to waver. The memory of the fight loops again, endlessly, and it feels like you’re drowning all over again.

Someone like you.

Someone like you.

Someone like you.

“Hey,” Hoseok snaps you out of your fog. “He never actually told me what happened. Just that he fucked up and that you probably hate him now.”

You look into Hoseok’s eyes, and shake your head. “I don’t hate him,” you promise. “I don’t think I ever could.”

Hoseok smiles at that, a genuine one this time. “I’ve known Yoongi a long time, Y/N. Most of my life, actually. He’s always been shit at expressing his feelings. He has all these thoughts running through his mind, constantly thinking and overthinking. Sometimes when he tries to get those words out, he just doesn’t know how to do it in any other way than through his music. He’s always been closed off, a little grumpy.”

You snort, looking away. “Understatement.”

“Let me finish,” Hoseok tuts. “He’s always been a little rough around the edges and his bad days outnumbered his good ones. That is, until he met you.”

Your gaze snaps back to his, and you can see the sincerity pooling in his irises. Your lips part slightly as you suck in a tiny breath. Hoseok continues.

“I’ve never seen him this happy before, Y/N. In all the years that I’ve known him, I’ve never once seen him look at someone the way he looks at you. His whole face lights up. It’s like you’re the sun, the moon and the stars. Me and the guys teased him about it for a really long time before he finally confessed to us that he liked you in that way, even though all of us could see it from day one.”

You rub at your arms self consciously. “I kind of figured that he liked me after a while,” you confess. “I wasn’t sure, until that day he came to get me when that creep was following me down the street.”

Hoseok waves his hand. “Oh, he liked you way before that day.”

You glare at him, giving him a playful shove. “Big difference it makes now. We haven’t spoken in weeks. He probably hates me. Or thinks I got back together with my ex.”

Hoseok raises an eyebrow at you. “Did you?”

“I wanted to talk to him,” you admit, and Hoseok frowns again, deeper this time. “Not because I want to get back together with him. That ship sailed a long time ago. But…just to clear the air. As much as I resented Namjoon in the past for hurting me so much, he was still my mentor and I still have respect for him as an artist. And I also have sympathy for him, because I’m realizing now that him cheating on me was a reflection of his own insecurities, not of my worth.”

He nods, seemingly deep in thought. A brief silence settles between the two of you before he quietly asks, “Do you think that Yoongi is going to treat you the same way Namjoon did?”

“No,” you say immediately, without even having to think about it. “He would never.”

“I think you need to talk to him,” Hoseok states, and you can’t help but notice that he sounds tired. He’s probably had to deal with Yoongi for the past few weeks, trying to convince him to reach out to you again. And now here he is with you, playing the middle man again. “He doesn’t fall for people often, Y/N. Pretty much never. But he really cares about you, and I know that he misses you…even if he’s too proud to admit it.”

You chew on your bottom lip, your hands coming to grip at the edge of the bench. “He left me a voicemail that night.”

Hoseok’s eyebrows fly up into his fringe. “He did? Really? What did he say?”

You shake your head. “I’ve been too scared to listen to it.”

Hoseok’s hand flies up to smack against his forehead. “You’re both so dense. Oh my god.”

“Excuse me!” You balk, arms folded over your chest indignantly. “I’m going through a tumultuous time emotionally, could you cut me the tiniest bit of slack, please?”

“No, because you’re both dumb!” Hoseok declares, holding out his hand. “Give me your phone. We’re listening to that voicemail right now, you big baby.”

“Jesus, alright, fine,” you huff, rising to fetch your phone from where you left it on the other side of the front desk. You begrudgingly unlock it and hand it over, and Hoseok proceeds to play the voicemail on speaker for the both of you to hear.

As soon as it starts, and his voice filters into your ears, you’re suddenly hit with a wave of emotions. You can’t believe how much you miss him, how desperately you wish he was here.

Hey. I know you probably hate me…I hate me too, if it’s any consolation. I fucking suck. I’m a fucking idiot and…I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean what I said to you today. You make me a better person. You changed me, yeah, but I needed that change. Just like I need you. And I don’t…I don’t want to pressure you into anything. I know I fucked up, and you probably don’t ever want to see me again, but…if there’s any chance that you do, then please, please call me back.

And then he’s crying. And it breaks your fucking heart.

Fuck. I’m sorry. You’re probably going to delete this message as soon as you hear it. But, uh…don’t cut the others out of your life because of me, okay? They’re good people, and they care about you. So do I, even though I’m shit at showing it. I hope you can find it in yourself to forgive me one day. So…yeah. Bye.

The voicemail ends, leaving the two of you standing there, staring at the phone in Hoseok’s hand. When you finally meet his eyes again, you realize that you’re crying as well.

“Talk to him,” Hoseok implores. “Please.”

You take in a trembling breath before you find your resolve. “Okay,” you promise. “There’s just one thing I have to do first.”

—

You’re sitting at a table at the café near your studio, your leg bouncing uncontrollably as you try to fight off your fight or flight instinct. You’re nervous, rightfully so, and you really, really hope that you made the right move by calling him.

Namjoon slides into the seat across from yours with two coffees in hand, a black beanie covering his hair. He sends you a soft smile, all dimples, and you smile back politely.

“Thanks for meeting me, Joon.”

“You know,” he begins, “when you called me all those weeks ago just to hang up on me as soon as I picked up, I didn’t know what to think. And now you invite me out for coffee out of the blue?” He takes a sip from his cup before continuing. “What’s going on?”

“I…” You clear your throat, sitting up straighter in your seat. “I just wanted to let you know that I still care about you. And that I’ll always care about you. But…”

“But…” Namjoon finishes for you, “There’s someone else.”

You glance up at him, and notice that there’s no malice in his eyes. There’s no anger, no disgust. He just seems a little tired, and a little worn. “I don’t think we were ever really meant to be, Joonie,” you say quietly. “You broke my trust, and that’s something that can never be repaired. But I’ve moved on, and I met someone, and I think I owe it to myself to at least try with him. I’ve been so unhappy for so long. And…I think he might be it for me.”

Namjoon stares at the dark liquid in his cup, nodding to himself absentmindedly. After a few seconds, he asks, “What’s his name?”

Your lips quirk up in the tiniest smile. “Yoongi.”

“Yoongi,” he repeats. “He’s the guy who came by that day, right? The one who brought you soup?”

You laugh at that, pressing a hand to your cheek. “Yeah, that’s him.”

Namjoon just regards you for a second, taking you in with soft eyes. He smiles at you again, a little more wistful, and with just the tiniest amount of longing. “You love him.”

You feel yourself immediately stiffen. “I…what?”

“You love him,” he repeats. “I can tell. You have that goofy look in your eyes. I recognize it because that’s how you used to look at me.”

You gape at him for a second, trying to stutter out a response. Namjoon just laughs, scrunching his nose slightly while lowering his head.

Lifting his chin back up again, he says, “It’s alright, I get it. I was an asshole to you in the past, and I ruined your friendship with Jisoo. If it’s any consolation, I’ve been going to therapy and figuring a lot of my own shit out in the meantime. It was unfair of me to pop out of the blue and come to your studio unannounced, just expecting that you would take me back with open arms.”

“You also kissed me in front of Yoongi,” you deadpan. “That was also not cool.”

“I couldn’t help myself, I’m sorry,” Namjoon sighs. “That was wrong of me. I just…I hadn’t seen you in over a year, and it fucking killed me to not be able to hold you or touch you the way I used to.”

“I’m not yours to hold or touch anymore, Namjoon,” you state plainly. “You should know that by now.”

“What can I say,” he huffs. “I’m an idiot. I ruined the one good thing in my life, and now I have to deal with the consequences.”

Your knee is still bouncing under the table, but not as rapidly as before. Because even though there was a lot of bad in your relationship, there was also a lot of good. And it’s hard to remember the good through the pain, but you know that your healing is long overdue. “I really have missed you, Joonie,” you tell him, hoping that he believes your earnestness. “I miss your friendship. When we broke up, I didn’t just lose my fiancé, I lost my best friend. And…I think I’d like for us to rebuild that. If you want.”

Namjoon smiles, showing off those dimples that used to make your heart flutter. “Yeah. I’d like that.”

You smile back, taking a sip of your coffee. “Good. Because you still have to finish my back piece, you moron.”

“Hey,” Namjoon whines, slumping in his seat. “I’m a busy man! Be thankful I’m not charging you an hourly rate!”

The two of you laugh at that, and you can’t remember the last time you felt this comfortable around him. But things are different this time—you don’t feel that same pull to him as you did when you were together, nor do you feel the desire to reach out and touch him. It just feels like two old friends getting together over a cup of coffee, shooting the shit and catching up on lost time.

And so that’s what you do—you spend the next few hours talking to Namjoon, asking him about what’s been going on with him in the time you’ve spent apart. And the more the two of you speak, the more you realize that this is the relationship that you were always meant to have with him. Friends, nothing more, nothing less.

You tell him about Yoongi. You tell him everything, from how the two of you met because of Junghyun’s little brother, about his at-home studio, how he was helping you re-learn how to play piano, and about how he would spend time working on music at your shop so you wouldn’t have to be alone.

“I really am happy for you,” Namjoon promises. “It seems like this Yoongi guy might be your perfect match.”

You scratch at the back of your head and tug slightly at your ear, a habit you realize you’d picked up from Yoongi himself.

“Well,” you falter. “I might have fucked things up a little bit.”

Namjoon looks surprised, his head tilting to the side. “What happened?”

“After you left the studio, we had a fight,” you tell him, not wanting to divulge all of the details. “We haven’t talked since.”

He frowns deeply, before reaching across the table to flick you right between your eyebrows.

“Ow!” You declare, rubbing the spot gingerly with your fingertips. “The fuck was that for?”

“Talk to him, you idiot.”

“It’s not that simple—”

“I’m pretty sure it is,” Namjoon counters. “Look. From what it sounds like, this guy is your shot at happiness. Right? And you love him, even if you won’t say it out loud. So unless you want to be miserable forever, which I know you don’t, you need to go to him and fix things. I can’t be the only person telling you this.”

“You’re not,” you admit. “Yoongi’s—my friend, Hoseok, told me the same thing. I just wanted closure first. With you.”

Namjoon holds his hand out for you, and this time you take it. His fingers curl against yours, and you find comfort in the gesture as he regards you with the fondness of an old friend.

“And now you have it. I’ll always be here for you, Y/N, rooting for you from the sidelines. Now, go get your man.”

You give his hand a squeeze, and offer him a small smile. “I love you, Joonie.”

He returns it with one of his own, a gentle contentment settling between the two of you. You both know that things can never go back to how they were, not exactly. But the promise of starting anew, as friends, warms your heart to the very core. And he knows what you mean when you say that you love him. And he hopes that you understand as he replies, “I love you too.”

Remembering My Hero, Robin Williams, Five Years Later

Not terribly long ago I used to deride others for feeling sad in the wake of a famous celebrity’s death.

My argument would go something like in the grand scheme of things their deaths “didn’t matter” when compared to various other atrocities and terrible, tragic things going on in the world. I even wrote an entire opinion piece poo-pooing the general populace for being sad in the wake of Whitney Houston’s death waaay back in 2012 for my University paper back in the day all largely because since I didn’t feel anything no one else should essentially.

Then Robin Williams died.

Well, more accurately Robin Williams committed suicide then everything changed for me.

To this day, I can’t recall a single death that has affected or beat me down more than this famous, larger than life comedian’s all too early passing and it still eats me up every time I think about it even five years later. You see, Robin was something of a hero of mine, an uber talented and charismatic funny man who seemed to perform his comedy with the kinetic energy of a hurricane and his humor often brightened my darkest moments growing up.

For him to die the way he did was beyond devastating for me.

Every 90s kid grew up on his various memorable performances. Whether it was “Aladdin” as the Genie, Peter Pan in “Hook” or masquerading as a nannie to win his family back in “Mrs. Doubtfire” we all had one performance that made us all fans early on.

(For some reason I always remember “Flubber” first though haha)

I didn’t start to truly appreciate him though until high school when I discovered his comic stand-up routines from his earlier years. 

Despite not growing up in 70s or 80s his humor was nonetheless electric, unlike any previous comic I had seen up until that point and his impressions of Ronald Reagan, Henry Kissinger and Richard Nixon are still among my favorites. Live at the Met is an all-time favorite comic stand-up performance and much later Live on Broadway still has one of the greatest closing jokes ever:

(”Harder than Chinese Algebra” is definitely a line I’ve used in my college years)

What I loved most about his performances was that he could be boisterous and sincere at the same time. Being both genuine and vulgar simultaneously and in the best way. Weave bizarre character references into personal tales of his own life. Tell a multitude of hilarious stories and references at 100 miles a minute like a comedic roller-coaster ride that lasted the duration of his performances and you never wanted to get off it. It’s true when Time Magazine referred to his comedy as something all comedians loved and respected but could never in a million years duplicate. Robin was a one of a kind talent, the penultimate original, and fans loved him for it.

Robin did his performances with such natural gusto and spontaneous hilarity that it might shock you to know he always wrote virtually every line of his stand-ups before his performances. To bring that humor to life with such infectious joy takes real talent and no one can ever deny Robin was one of the best if not the best at it.

The remarkable thing is on top of his stand-up the dude was an all-time great actor on top of that displaying ranges from as absurd as “Death to Smoochie”  and “World’s Greatest Dad” to as sensitive and thought provoking as “Good Will Hunting” and “Dead Poet’s Society.” Robin wasn’t afraid to show a darker side either in famous roles such as “Insomnia” and “One Hour Photo.” His range was simply amazing.

(Personally my favorite^)

Like many high-schoolers, I was angsty teenager prone to hormonal anger and twitches, depressed I couldn’t score girls and that I wasn’t popular but at the end of the day I always had Robin to cheer me up. 

As I became more and more a fan I’d read more into his life learning I actually had quite a few things in common with the famous funny man from a love of all things sci-fi including even anime and Warhammer to a deep appreciation of video games as he famously named his daughter Zelda after the titular Nintendo princess of the same name.

He was not just a comedian to me; he was one of us. America’s favorite funny, semi-secretly nerdy uncle and I loved him for it.

(The sweetest Nintendo commercial ever. #uglycrying)

I would carry my love of this magnificent comedian into college where I would routinely re-listen to his greatest hits when I was at my lowest of lows and boy did I have plenty of them during this period of my life and many of them revolved around suicide.

For reasons that are too personal to expand on, I had a friend who I was close with early in college who had some deep mental health and abandonment issues. She would constantly fear the worst out of others’ intentions and whether I would stick around with her to help her through it all in life. This put a heavy drain on myself and eventually it broke me enough to just attempt to cut her out of my life.

So, she threatened to kill herself when that happened.

If you’ve never tried talking someone down out of suicide before it is by far the scariest thing I have ever had to do and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. To try to reason with someone who is convinced that their life is meaningless that no one cares about them that they are better off dead than alive is unlike any terror I’ve ever experienced. What scared me the most was what I would do with myself if I failed to talk her down. Could I live with myself if I couldn’t do enough to save this person? Is the blood on my hands too since it was my actions that drove her to this point?

Well, long story short, I did succeed in talking her down but it left a tremendous mark on my soul that I don’t think I’ll ever forget (it also would not be the last time this would happen). I did eventually move on from this person (for both our sakes) but the depression it left within in me still stings.

There are limits to emotional dependency that we should all understand and in my need to fix everything for those I cared about I started not to care about myself and it damn near killed me. You should always try to feel empathy and help those who are need but you can’t forget about yourself in this regard because it will destroy you too. Painfully and slowly.

That semester I listened to probably more Robin Williams than I ever had in the past. His humor keeping me from being an unfeeling zombie and my mind from breaking from the stress of that year (there were other events that compounded what was going on.) Robin kept me going, kept me laughing in a period I didn’t have a lot to feel joyful about and I’ll always be grateful to him for that.

Then a few years later, as well know now, on August 11, 2014 Robin took his own life.

Like most everyone else I was shocked, distraught, and in total disbelief. How could a man who had seemingly endless joy and lived by all measures a far more successful life than most people ever would feel the need to kill himself? 

It was tragic beyond comprehension.

The aftermath of course was an outpouring of love and support to the Williams family particularly his children but there was also the detractors as well. People who denounced him as some sort of coward for taking his own life, Christian zealots who believed he was rotting in hell for his sin and all matter of bad takes regarding him being too privileged to be depressed. It was infuriating and broke my heart all at once. Here was a man who more than most probably deserved a happy ending, dead by his own hands and now subjected to dumb moronic statements by people who probably will never understand what depression does to someone.

You’d would only need to a modest amount of research to understand where Robin’s depression could come from though. Despite growing up in an affluent household his father and mother were rarely there with him, raised practically by the maids in his household and by himself most of his childhood. He had survivor’s guilt for being in the same room John Belushi died in many decades prior (which would become a wake-up call for his own drug addictions). Also, he was great friends with the late Christopher Reeves who went to school with him Julliard and that shouldn’t require too much explaining there.

(Personal pain never stopped Robin from lampooning himself of course)

But the real death knell probably came at the end when months prior Robin’s suicide he was diagnosed with Lewy Body Dementia Association and early stages of Parkinson’s disease. Now anyone being diagnosed with these conditions would be devastating by itself but if you frame it in the mind of Robin Williams, a man who’s comedy and charm relies almost entirely on spontaneous-ness, extreme attention to detail and constant joy this is like losing the very thing that made you who are, what people love you for; your core identity. 

Robin was no longer going to be Robin.

I’m not asking people to like suicide or accept every instance of it but people should try to understand why and not judge others for it. Sometimes the demons are just too strong and we can’t fault others especially a mind as crippled as Robin’s was at the end.

If there’s one positive that came out of Robin’s suicide, it’s that the conversation on depression and mental health has notably shifted since that time. In the years since, it’s more acceptable now to feel sad no matter what your background is; you didn’t need to be a coal miner with black lung or a soldier with PSTD to be acceptably depressed anymore (and no, before any of you start I’m not judging those people). Athletes and celebrities alike such as Demar Derozan, Ryan Reynolds, Serena Williams, and Chris Evans have all come out about their own personal struggles with their inner demons. It’s now okay more than ever to feel inadequate even if on paper you have ever reason not to feel that way.

Though society hasn’t become completely understanding of mental health issues yet society is still a lot more open about it than it was before at least. It’s not a silver lining, don’t make that mistake with what I’m saying, but it’s comforting in a strange way knowing that even in death Robin can inspire positivity.

It’s a shame and tragic that Robin didn’t get age gracefully into his twilight years and given the current state of the country and the world as a whole we could definitely use that trademark wit to lampoon our reality right now but I’m glad that Robin helped keep me going in my most formative years.

(I mean seriously though, could you imagine Robin getting a crack at this motherfucker today on stage?)

It’s not hyperbole to call Robin Williams one of the greatest entertainers of all-time and though his time in this world was cut short by his own hand he has still left an indelible mark on myself, his fans and the rest of the world. Depression and mental health is a fact of life, generally speaking all of us will struggle with it at some point but if we can get help early and not be afraid to ask for it or even cry for it then maybe the world won’t feel so dark for us all.

So please, let’s all remember to take care of ourselves whether that’s seeking friends or professional guidance. There is strength in sadness, power in grief and love when you are lonely. You owe it to yourself to seek help and trust me, there’ll be arms open to bring you in.

Because you matter.

Thanks, Captain.

Menstruation!

Yes, that’s right, menstruation! Something half the world’s population experiences on a monthly basis - the regular discharge of blood and mucosal tissue from inner uterine lining through the vagina and...are all the dudes gone? 

Sweet. 

Let’s talk about Mackenzi Lee’s fiercely feminist follow-up to The Gentleman’s Guide to Vice and Virtue: The Lady’s Guide to Petticoats and Piracy!

“You’re trying to play a game designed by men. You’ll never win, because the deck is stacked and marked, and also you’ve been blindfolded and set on fire. You can work hard and believe in yourself and be the smartest person in the room and you’ll still get beat by the boys who haven’t two cents to rub together.” - From the ARC of The Lady’s Guide to Petticoats and Piracy

For some reason, I have a terrible time writing about things I really, really like. I can go on and on about that one thing that I hate (and I do, often), but when I like something, I say “hey, I like that” and then not much else. My eloquence deserts me when I have to articulate why it is I love something beyond “aw man it’s the best” and then nothing else. Not sure why that is. What I do know is that I finished reading The Lady’s Guide to Petticoats and Piracy on August 28th, actually, it was August 1. I know how dates work. I started writing a review as soon as I finished it, then just...didn’t. Perhaps it’s pure laziness. Perhaps its writer’s block. Perhaps it’s because I’m in the middle of another epic book binge (five books in, four to go, plus a novella and possibly an ARC of book 10!). 

Whatever the reason, I’ve come back to this review over and over, determined to be clever and such, but...man it’s just harder to write about things you love versus the things you hate. It’s very easy to criticize (fun, too), but writing endless praise gets boring fast.

So how am I supposed to describe how much I love Mackenzi Lee’s books?

Mackenzi Lee’s works are the book equivalent of a warm, comforting hug. A hug delivered directly to your brain, with words. The Gentleman’s Guide to Vice and Virtue was one of the best books I read last year, and its sequel does not disappoint in the slightest. Lady’s Guide is 100% pure feminist awesomeness. If you’ve ever been angered by the patriarchy, then this book is definitely for you.

Since praise is hard and complaining is fun, let me take a moment to complain.

All girls, all women, really, know how it is to feel “less-than” for simply being female. That shit starts the minute we’re born and it’s pervasive as fuck. It never stops. Even in a world where a family cannot survive on just one income, women are expected to work two jobs: one for pay, and one for free. Women are described not as people, but as extensions of others: “Wife”, “Mother”, “Girlfriend”, “Daughter” - as if that is all we are, and all we’re expected to be. (On a related note, I am so tired of books with titles that end with “wife”, “daughter”, “sister,” etc. Also, describing women as “girls.” Fuck that shit, I’m an adult, don’t you call me “girl.”). All the bad things that happen to women are our own fault somehow. Rather than teaching men not to attack women, women are expected to take every single precaution in the universe to protect themselves from men. A single “lapse”? Well, then, anything that a man does to you is your fault. Ladies, have you ever had to fake a hypothetical male partner in order to avoid being harassed? Because men would automatically respect a non-existent male before a real human female?

I am so fucking tired of all of that shit. I am so tired of women being blamed for every single bad thing that happens to them. I am so tired of men getting away with harassing, demeaning and belittling women. I am so tired of male authors saying shit like “Mary Shelley didn’t really write Frankenstein!” I am so tired of women’s accomplishments being treated as “less-than.” I am so tired of a woman’s value being equated with whether or not she has a husband or children. I am so tired of a woman’s worth being equated with her appearance. I am tired of being paid less for the same work my male coworkers do. I am so tired of job interviews with loaded questions meant to suss out whether or not you’re planning on taking maternity leave (because it’s illegal to ask if someone is planning on having kids, but perfectly OK to ask “what are your future plans?” wink wink). I am so tired of all of it. It’s bullshit. All of it is bullshit, and the fact that being a woman means fighting an uphill battle every goddamn day just makes me tired.

And all I’ve described above is just a fraction of the bullshit women of color experience. It’s the fucking worst.

This is why we need books like Lady’s Guide. The patriarchy might not be as visible or obviously terrible as it was in the 18th century, but it’s still here, and still as toxic as ever. 

Ahem. Anyway. Ladies Guide! See, I can complain forever. When it comes to things I love I’m like “uh, I love it, you should read it” and that’s it.

Lady’s Guide takes place roughly a year after the end of Gentleman’s Guide - Felicity is living and working in a bakery in Edinburgh. She’s been trying, and mostly failing, to get accepted into medical school. But, this being the 18th century, and Felicity being a woman, she doesn’t get very far. After her coworker at the bakery proposes to her, dismissing Felicity’s desires for an education as nothing more than a phase, Felicity decides to take off and try again in London. She sets up shop with her brother and Percy, living happily ever after (because Monty/Percy forever, goddamn it!) and attempts to get into one of the London medical schools via subterfuge. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work out. Felicity is on the verge of giving up when one of the hospital’s more enlightened board members gives her the contact info for Alexander Platt - a trailblazer in the medical field and Felicity’s idol. Dr. Platt might just take a woman on as a student, but he’s all the way in Stuttgart...

...about to get married to Felicity’s childhood best friend, Johanna Hoffmann. Sounds like a perfect way for Felicity to ingratiate herself with Dr. Platt, right?

Except Johanna and Felicity had a falling out years ago. As kids, Felicity and Johanna loved exploring and science and getting dirty, but, as they got older, Johanna started showing more interest in “girly” things while Felicity’s interests never strayed. Nothing like that painful phase of adolescence where you look around and see that all your friends have changed, gotten into boys and makeup and all that shit, while all you want to do is read Tolkien and watch Sailor Moon...

Such a classic episode. 

Anyway, Felicity decides to say “fuck it,” and head off to see Johanna in Stuttgart anyway, because this is her chance and she’s not going to throw away her shot.* So Felicity teams up with Sim, a friend of the pirates from Gentleman’s Guide, ditches Monty and Percy and heads off for the continent. 

And if reuniting with an ex-best friend who you haven’t spoken to or seen in years isn’t awkward enough, meeting your hero, who is about to get married to said ex-best friend, is even worse. Like all heroes, Dr. Platt isn’t exactly everything Felicity thought he would be. And his upcoming marriage to Johanna isn’t exactly a love match on either side...

Lady’s Guide is not only a massive brain-hug, it’s existence-affirming. Felicity writes herself a message, one she returns to time and time again throughout the book, and something all women and girls  should hear: You Deserve To Be Here. Yes. Yes you fucking do. Felicity deserves to attend medical school - but men block her path. She deserves to be her own woman, an intellectual, a scientist - all of that, without being scoffed at. 

Lee also makes the point, throughout the book, that the patriarchy is not just men. Women perpetuate patriarchy as well by bullying and policing the behavior of other women. We’re kept down by our own infighting. We see this in the relationship between Felicity and Johanna, whose friendship fell apart because of their differing views on femininity. Felicity was keen to reject feminine trappings, like clothes, makeup, boys, etc., focusing instead on her books. Johanna wanted to embrace her femininity and be a scientist. Felicity looked down her nose at Johanna’s embrace of the traditionally feminine, and Johanna resented Felicity’s high-and-mighty-better-than-you attitude, and thus their childhood friendship fell apart.

The relationship between Johanna and Felicity and their views on femininity is very much like Sansa and Arya Stark. On the Sansa-Arya spectrum, Arya is all about rejecting traditional femininity - no frilly dresses or talk of marriage for Arya. No, she’s all about sword-fighting and vengeance and wearing other people’s faces as masks. Sansa, on the other end of the spectrum, embraces traditional Westerosi femininity, at first suffering it’s trappings, but then she learns to embrace it in another way. Sansa learns to wear her femininity like armor, and use it to her advantage. First, she uses it to survive in King’s Landing, where one wrong move would have gotten her killed, then she uses it to get the same thing Arya hopes to get with her assassin skills: vengeance. Independently, Sansa and Arya are both powerful women. Together? Aw, man. Shit’s going to go down.

I do have one nitpicky complaint, re: Lady’s Guide.

At one point, Johanna tells Sim: “I will drag you back to Bavaria by the ear and take you to court there if I must.”

OK, so in the novel, Johanna lives in Stuttgart. Stuttgart is in Baden-Württemberg, though so...why is Johanna threatening to drag Sim to Bavaria? In the early 1700s, Stuttgart was part of the Duchy of Württemberg which was definitely not in Bavaria. I’m not sure how the Swabians would take it if they were mistaken for Bavarians. Or vice-versa. And heaven forbid you mix up Bavaria and Franconia, even though Franconia is technically now a part of Bavaria…

Ok. Here’s the thing, though. Germany, as it is today didn’t exist until the 90s. The 1990s. Until then the 99.999999% of German history is trying to figure out the goddamned map. There was no unified “Germany” until 1871, and even then the borders didn’t mesh with what they are today. The area that we refer to as “Germany” historically was about 100,000,000 little Kingdoms/Grand Duchies/Duchies/Electorates/Principalities/city-states/what-have-yous tangled together by the Holy Roman Empire, until Napoleon kicked the Holy Roman Empire’s ass in 1805, leading to Francis II to dissolve the Empire in 1806 then it was the German Confederation with the same amount of Kingdoms/Grand Duchies/Duchies/Electorates/Principalities/city-states/what-have-yous … Jesus, just look at the maps. I mean, look at  Baden-Württemberg in the 18th century alone! 

I honestly don’t know how actual Germans sort this out. It’s easier to just be like “OK, we’re just going to start at 1871 and go forward, OK? Let’s just call everything that came before Germany and move on.”

Still, if you’re from Stuttgart and you show up in Bavaria to file a complaint, you’d probably get laughed at by a bunch of mustachioed dudes who’ve been drinking since 9 AM.  

But really, that is my only complaint. Read The Lady’s Guide to Petticoats and Piracy. If you pre-order it, you can get a bonus ebook epilogue to Gentleman’s Guide!  So...go do that. 

RECOMMENDED FOR: Everyone, women especially.

NOT RECOMMENDED FOR: Assholes, men’s right’s activists.

RATING: 5/5

TOTALLY UNBIASED FANGIRL RATING: 5,000,000,000,000,000/5

RELEASE DATE: October 2, 2018

ANTICIPATION LEVEL FOR SEQUEL/CONTINUATIONS: Olympus Mons

AMOUNT OF TIME IT TOOK ME TO WRITE THIS RIDICULOUS REVIEW: 21 days.  Hahaha, no it took me 48 days. Because...fuck...I don’t know.

* (curse you, Lin-Manuel Miranda!)

Neighborliness

This sermon was revised for the UU Church of Silver Spring, August 26, 2018. The parable of the Good Samaritan is applied to congregational life, particularly the disciplines of noticing one another’s pain and the discipline of expanding our comfort zones in the service of hospitality and inclusion. Building multigenerational community is part of this path, and we learn from Mister Rogers how to be a good neighbor to people of all ages.

I don’t know if the story happened exactly this way, but I believe it’s true. This is a story told by Jesus in exploring the question, “Who is my neighbor?”

There was once a traveler who was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho when robbers attacked them, stripped them, and beat them up, leaving the traveler half dead.

It so happened that a priest was going down that road; but when they saw the injured traveler, they walked on by on the other side.

In the same way a [community leader] also came there, went over and looked at the injured traveler, and then walked on by on the other side.

But a Samaritan who was going that way came upon the injured traveler, and when the Samaritan saw them, their heart was filled with pity. They went over to them, poured oil and wine on their wounds and bandaged them; then they put the injured traveler on their own animal and took them to an inn where the Samaritan took care of the injured traveler.

The next day the Samaritan took out two silver coins and gave them to the innkeeper. “Take care of this person,” they told the innkeeper, “and when I come back this way, I will pay you whatever else you spend on them.”

So ends the story. May we go and do likewise.

Who Is Our Neighbor?

When have you received the blessing of neighborliness? When have you been greeted with respect, cared for, and invited to share in the responsibility for the common good? I have experienced neighborliness when I’ve been through big milestones in my life and people brought me food, when I was participating in activism on behalf of people and a community that I loved, and when I’ve received the kindness of strangers who recognized me as a member of the human family.

I like to think of neighborliness as a kind of covenant. It’s not a written covenant. Neighborliness is an unwritten set of sacred promises, a sense of relatedness with other people and the world and with something larger than ourselves. Neighborliness is rooted in a particular experience of time and place, yet ripples outward to the horizons of our awareness of the interdependent web. Covenants bind us together in mutual care and responsibility, whether or not our promises are expressed in words.

Even before I summarized the story earlier, you may have been familiar with the parable of the Good Samaritan. The story demonstrates that obligations to our neighbors include those beyond our immediate circle, even to those we may consider "them" instead of "us."

It's easy to say in theory, of course we would help someone from another group, of course that person would be our neighbor. What if that person were connected with a political movement with which I heartily disagree? What if that person is from a dangerous place, and may bring danger with them? What if that person is a member of an organization that betrayed me? When the roles were reversed, when I needed help, there have been people who surprised me by stopping. Overcoming my assumptions about "us and them" is a constant discipline.

This congregation puts a lot of work into being neighborly. It's one of the things I admire about you. You have been practicing food justice through Shepherd’s Table and So Others Might Eat. So Others Might Eat donations are due on the first Sunday of the month, including next week. UUCSS members support neighbors at Beacon House, a center for at-risk youth and their families in DC, by serving as tutors and field trip chaperones. All of these represent the hospitality of a good neighbor. This church shines like a friendly porch light on the way home.

Being neighborly involves considerate curiosity. Somewhere in between apathy and nosy-ness, there is a sweet spot of taking interest in one another. Neighborliness also involves the willingness to expand our comfort zones. Building relationships means risking things like awkwardness and disagreement. Neighborliness means a lot of different things. Today we’ll start with considerate curiosity and expanding our comfort zones.

Considerate Curiosity

Cultivating an atmosphere of considerate curiosity is a group discipline. In this congregation, people listen warmly at Inreach groups and during check-in at committee meetings. The Lay Ministry Team sits with people who are going through major turning points, but you don’t have to be a member of that team to be a good listener. Sometimes we notice without prompting when someone isn’t well or is having a tough time or has something great going on.

Sometimes we don’t notice. We can work on that. I don’t think it’s possible for a congregation to notice 100% of the time when a well-placed question is in order. We can increase the odds with attention to leadership, organization, and communication. We will have opportunities this year to practice curiosity. It begins with people being interested in one another’s wellbeing.

In this congregation, we are learning together how to talk about racism, gender diversity, and overcoming the generational divide that separates humans into market segments. These are difficult and rewarding disciplines, and we will get better at them as we practice direct address and covenantal behavior toward our common goals.

There was once an icon of considerate curiosity who showed up on public television, ready to listen to children and to teach their families how to listen. The documentary, “Won’t You Be My Neighbor” has reminded many of us about Fred Rogers and his show, “Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood.” As the film pointed out, Mister Rogers was different than just about anything else on television, then or now, in that there was time and space for listening. The pace was slow and respectful. There were times when no one was speaking. When Mister Rogers had a guest, he listened and asked open-ended questions, focusing more on respect for the guest than on impressing the audience with his humor or hosting skills. Leaving room for silence meant there was always time for the other person to be heard.

Deep listening was also modeled in the Land of Make Believe segments of “Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood,” where puppets and costumes helped create pretend stories that carried the same messages of respect and compassion. Puppet characters such as Daniel Striped Tiger and Henrietta Pussycat shared the same questions and worries and joys that children watching at home had in their own lives. The small-in-size characters would ask big questions. “What does assassination mean” was a real-life example from a show soon after the death of Bobby Kennedy. When big questions came up, an adult human character such as Lady Aberlin would pause, ask clarifying questions, and answer the question in a way that was complete but not too much information to absorb all at once. The adult would then follow up with more invitations to the other character’s thoughts, acknowledging and honoring their feelings. We can all can learn valuable skills for building trust and communication from “Mister Rogers Neighborhood.” Even today, Daniel Tiger lives on in an animated show, helping children articulate their choices about what to do with the mad that you feel.

We’ll have some opportunities to practice considerate curiosity between adults and children as we build community this year at UUCSS. Beginning on September 16, children will come to worship for a short multigenerational segment before going to Religious Education classes, except on days when we all stay in worship together for the entire hour. The RE Committee will continue to sponsor fun events where people of all ages can learn from each other, such as Game Night this coming Wednesday. Let’s come together and practice considerate curiosity across divisions of age, background, race, and ability. Neighbors come in all shapes and sizes.

In the parable, the Samaritan shows considerate curiosity when he stops and notices what has happened. It’s a first step. Paying attention seems simple, but simple is different from easy. Considerate curiosity is a learned skill and it takes time. Let’s open ourselves up to neighborliness.

Expanding Comfort Zones

Another aspect of neighborliness is expanding our comfort zones. This is the extra mile between being polite and being a good neighbor. The above-and-beyond actions of the Good Samaritan from the Book of Luke are a good illustration here:

He went up and bandaged his wounds, bathing them with oil and wine. Then he lifted him on to his own beast, brought him to an inn, and looked after him. Next day he produced two silver pieces and gave them to the innkeeper, and said, ‘Look after him; and if you spend more, I will repay you on my way back.’ (Luke 10:34-35, Revised English Bible)

In other words, being a good neighbor involves going out of your way. Being a good neighbor is challenging.

Challenge is good when it helps you grow. You have been through plenty of challenges together as a congregation, and I believe there is hope on the other side. During this turning point year, I would suggest that one of the things every member and friend can do starting today is to talk with people in the congregation you don’t normally talk to. Spend the social hour in a different part of the room. Plan a fellowship event. Sign up for the Membership Committee or a Sunday Support Team so that you can have a role as you introduce yourself to people you don’t normally talk with. In a congregation of this size, it is easy and tempting to stay within a comfort zone of a dozen or two dozen people. Your ability to move forward together as one church will be enhanced the more you talk with each other in compassionately curious ways.

Neighborliness means going out of our way, growing and changing, and prioritizing welcoming the guest over personal comfort. In this year of experimentation and discernment, we’ll have a lot of opportunities to NOT do things the way they have always been done. We can even try some things again that were tried before and didn’t work the first time. I have confidence that we will have fun with our exploration, but like most new experiences, it will not always be easy.

Perhaps it will help energize us for the exhilarating challenges ahead to think about the neighbors for whom doors will be open as a result of this work. Think of the future generations of people who will feel supported and uplifted by this congregation. Think of the people who are desperately seeking a spiritual home like this one right now and need our extra effort so they can find it. Think of the interfaith neighbors and local justice partners who will be able to count on the solidarity of Unitarian Universalists because of the organizing and community building you are renewing this year.

Expanding our comfort zone is an opportunity to grow spiritually. I believe that, if we listen to each other and to the still, small voice within, our experience will lead this congregation to a stronger, more unified sense of purpose. I have faith that this congregation will grow in strength, fueled by the power of love.

Conclusion

Being a good neighbor is held in high esteem at this church. Members here already practice compassionate curiosity. We grow our comfort zones in our outreach, in our multigenerational fellowship, and our honest discussions with one another. May we continue to grow in our practice and in our understanding of the covenant of neighborliness.

So be it. Blessed be. Amen.

This summer is a special one for me, because last summer I was in hospital for most of it and spent the rest of it on steroids and a host of there medications, swollen like a blowfish, and getting better. I am still in the course of treatment, but a long way away from where I was last year, feeling much, much, MUCH better, and planning to live every freaking moment of the summer and beyond. I am not a huge fan of the summer, the heat on my skin, the humidity; Britain has the most humid summers… but I vividly remember myself last year hoping and praying that if I make it out I would live that cliche of living my best life. And I’m trying y’all, I really am.

This summer has been glorious, actual sunshine and heat, hotter than an Indian summer if you’ll believe that and come the first of August we are counting down the days to Autumn zooming right past it to the thick of winter. By the end of August we are talking back to school and back to real life for parents and children and the grind of things. But we have now before then, so let’s plan to live the hell out of the summer and make some good memories that can keep us going till the next summer. As I type this, it is pouring down with rain outside my window, bang in the middle of this blazing summer we have torrential rain and thunder storms but I am not mad at the in the least, we need the rain, farmers need it for the soil to keep feeding us good food in season, we need the rain to clean all the humidity and gunk from the pollution the earth is suffering.

This list is a guideline, if you do one thing on it fabulous. Ten? Grand. All? Fantastic. the aim is to live your best life, (said in my best Oprah voice). So let’s get right on into it shall we?

1. Sleep In: August is heaven for everyone, everywhere, no school in session, family holidays, blissful commute into work because trains are not crowded…it is the perfect month to sleep in and catch up on the hours lost to sleeplessness, work and all nighters. Sleep in and get your energy right on balance, and catch up with your body and reacquaint yourself with her natural rhythm.

2. Let your body wake up naturally: see number 1. Get rid of your alarm clock and let your body wake up to the sound of birds and the rise of the sun. Even if it means going in late for work or missing our on the morning calls. Better still no calls until noon until the summer is over.

3. Read two books: something old and something new. For something old, if you have never read it, read Lucky Chances by Jackie Collins. For something new read an Italian Holiday; a book about four women getting away from the ish of their lives in London and holidaying in Italy. Bonus points; read my book. 😉

4. Have a Day-cation: binge watch some shows on Netflix and Amazon. A couple on Netflix: Luke Cage, Drug Lords, Chef, North & South; okay, more than a couple. Amazon: The Bold Type- I really like this show, it is set around three women working the fashion industry, publishing specifically, and yes the three girls can be annoying and atypical at times but it is a far cry from the Devil Wears Prada, which shows of this ilk tend to slant towards. My favourite character is the Editor In Chief. She’s cool and the type of person I would like to believe exists in the industry. Another show and one of Amazon’s best creation is Bosch- this is my absolute favourite show on Amazon, detective Hieronymous “Harry” Bosch, central character in the dark crime drama set in Los Angeles. Binge watch all four seasons in one day and thank me later.

5. Go to a music concert: I’ll admit I am not a huge fan of concerts, crowds make me anxious and the moment gets lost in the melee. Give me a couch and a big screen TV and I’m good, but its the summer and we are living it up so we are taking our fly selves to a concert, in the Park, or at the Albert Hall or maybe something more low key and free; the ever faithful underground busker… whatever floats your boat just go.

6. Plan a night in Paris: be impetuous, call your girlfriends or go SOLO for a night in Paris if you’re close enough.

7. Do something fun in Paris: a fancy meal at L’Orangerie @ George V perhaps, or afternoon tea @ Le Bristol. Go to a museum, forget the Louvre, D’Orsay is my favourite museum in all of Paris. Be a cliché and have expensive hot chocolate at Cafe de Flore. Walk around and marvel at the astounding beauty that is Jardin du Luxembourg; my favourite place to be in Paris.

8. Return from Paris: with pastries from Pierre Here and spend the evening drinking champagne before bed.

9. See a play in the west end: Its a shame that Baba Segi’s wives is not in theatres anymore, but there is always something on so scroll through timeout or art reviews, pick a small theatre, they normally have good plays and go see it, for the culture and for support. Or if you can get tickets, you should go see Hamilton. It is quite simply the greatest show on earth.

10. Go Clubbing: re-live your youth and party in heels that hurt, a dress that is too short, full face of makeup. Flirt with handsome men, exchange numbers for the night. Jump on the night bus home and stop by the kebab shop before you make it home at six in the morning.

11. Babysit your nieces, nephews and god-children: preferably not right after your wild night out in the club.

12. Throw a fabulous dinner party: for friends and catch up on the good times you had.

13. Get lost in London: it’s a beautiful city to get lost in and no matter how many times you roam it, every corner is a surprise.

14. Picnic in the Park: Hyde Park is so beautiful, so vast, so lovely all year round but nothing beats it in the summer. Grab a picnic basket, bottle of chilled champagne, meats and cheeses, fat strawberries and cream, salads and go chill in the park with your bestest

15. Call an old friend: we all have that one friend we have lost touch with, call them up, check in with an old relative, see how they are doing, and say a prayer for the world.

16. Clean your skirting boards: as a matter of fact, clean the whole house, organise your closet and take excess to charity or give them out to family or friends who want them. Live light and let light in.

17. Organise your christmas holiday plans: have a white Christmas or escape somewhere tropical. Do something fun and unusual this time.

18. Get your low maintenance beauty routine on point: the summer is no time to bother with too much make-up because the humidity will not let you be beautiful and great so fine-tune your best make up, no make up look that won’t be a victim of the humidity. Paint your nails, scrub your feet and moisturise them. I love this foot cream, from Burt’s Bees, 100% moisture all day. Don’t be ashy this summer.

19. Plan your wardrobe ahead: make this the summer you wear the prettiest dresses. If you can, and I know you can, plan all the dresses for the 31 days in August.

20. Spend some time being alone: check yourself into a hotel or stay indoors, order room service, go dine out alone or cook yourself a home-cooked meal… do something for you and all about you, get to know yourself better and enjoy being in your company.

21. Spend time with family: I have an awesome family and we are all scattered around the world but in each other’s lives through phone, texts etc. When you can, drop by your parents’, call your brother, sisters, aunts, uncles… get the barbecue going and enjoy being in the company of loved ones.

22. Go to a quiz night at your local… I know, I know but try it its so much fun

23. Spend a Monday by the sea: away from work and the hustle of every day life

24. Write a short story: it can be about anything you want at all, just carve out sometime and put words down to paper.

25. Take a leap of faith: If its a bad decision, learn from it and move on. Enjoy the rewards of a good decision, pay it forward pass on the good feeling

26. Take a day trip outside of London: a summer’s day punting on River Cam, taking a literary tour of Oxford, or walking the bucolic lanes of the Cotswolds… do something that takes you out of the big smoke.

27. Take a digital detox: nowadays, a lot of things on social media make me so damn mad and I find myself engaging with crazy people but I have cut back on my time online and it has done me a world of good. Social media is both good and dangerous for you, find sometime to be ignorant of the shit that can sometimes go down on there.

28. Go to bed late, wake up later.

29. Eat dessert as a whole meal.

30. Fall in love with your life all over again: Be intentional about this and make sure you love your life. We are all going through things, the world is a shitty place to be sometimes these days but here is the thing; you only have you at night when you look yourself in the mirror. Be intentional with loving yourself. Please.

31. Take it all in: Take care of yourself. Check your breasts, drink lots of water, eat well, eat in season, moisturise at night, exercise however you can, limit your meat consumption, use sunscreen, my sister, use sunscreen.

To the summer of our lives.

31 Days of Summer This summer is a special one for me, because last summer I was in hospital for most of it and spent the rest of it on steroids and a host of there medications, swollen like a blowfish, and getting better.

Get to know the Artists: Q&A With the rising Talent Arnold & Lane on their new forward-thinking Juke EP 'Walk Wit Me’ on Elastic Rhythms

ARTIST SPOTLIGHT: Arnold & Lane 

- Arnold Sallan and Taylor Lane (Arnold & Lane) have teamed up as a collaborative house music duo for a number of years, rising their way to the top of the dance music food chain with a unique bounce and a flavorous signature style to their sound. Now these two are bringing forth to the world an entirely different take on their sound elasticity with an EP that’s out of this world... ‘WALK WIT ME’ (EP) features 3 Original Juke/Ghettotech/Footwork records, and will be out on Elastic Rhythms August 14th, 2020 on all available digital platforms worldwide. We decided to ask them a few questions to get to know them better, and here’s what they said:

_______________________________________________________________________

1. What do you do to keep yourself motivated and interested in your work?

A: By trying to make new music every week, and taking breaks when not feeling creative. I don’t like forcing the process. Usually when I’m trying to write a song if the bulk of the track doesn’t get 70% done in the first session, then it’s usually gone with the wind. The track should write itself if it’s meant to be.

L: This project was actually a breath of fresh air. The ability to clear the palette of house music and step into a different genre provoked a new sense of inspiration and interest. Oftentimes we will experiment with different genres to keep the creative juices flowing. In other aspects, I will put emphasis on getting outside to enjoy different activities. All the while, I'll be building up steam and motivation to make beats.

2. What is the best advice that you have been given?

A:  I remember someone telling me that doing what we’re doing with music is a privilege and a gift. Remain grateful for this journey because a lot of people don’t have the opportunity or means to make music and pursue this career.

L: As cliche as it sounds, I've been told to "never give up" and "keep following your dreams". Many times I've contemplated giving up the creative process with music to focus on more practical things. I even took a two year hiatus, with the impression that I wouldn't make music again. I keep going because it's what I love, and if I didn't I surely wouldn't be as happy as I am today.

3. What advice would you have given yourself 5 years ago?

A: To not compare your successes to other people’s and to remain grateful about where you’re at. It’s not a good headspace when you’re thinking “If only we’re as big as so and so and then everything will be fine”.

L: I would have probably told myself to get proper promo shots before signing my first track. Or to plan out a complete outline of branding before releasing music. But I wouldn't have listened to myself anyways...

4. What is your favorite late night studio snack?

A: In n out or boba. I feel like those are the two that Taylor and I will get on a consistent basis. If we’re celebrating then we might hit up dog haus. Try the hangover burger. It's fire.

L: Boba. I work better on an empty stomach.

5. What in your personal life has influenced you to choose your music career?

A: Probably the fact that a normal conventional day job doesn’t bring me much happiness. and the most fun I have came from making beats and performing. Been writing/performing music for most of my life and that’s really the only thing that gives me a sense of purpose.

L: My Dad has always been a huge music enthusiast. He would drill me with timeless classic tunes while driving. He nurtured an exciting love for music. Also becoming a professional disc jockey/mobile DJ at 16 inspired a career in music. When I started, the DJ was celebrated and appreciated much more. As technology advanced, deejaying was more accessible and soon everyone and their brother/sister was deejaying. It wasn't special anymore. I soon realized that the next step to gain respect for the art of music was producing..

6. How harshly do you critique your own work?

A: I think it really depends. Usually in the moment of making a track, I'll be pretty pumped on it at first. But after a few listens a week or two or a month later, I can find myself doubting it or straight up thinking it’s dog shit. It really depends. For whatever reason, the tracks we think are trash end up resonating more with the listeners. . it’s a weird push pull cycle.

L: I used to be more critical of myself. Hence why I didn't sign a tune until I was around 27 years old. The moment I let go and began to send my music out regardless of it being perfect, I soon got results and was able to grow as an artist. I still suffer from harshly critiquing and comparing myself to others negatively and getting stuck on a mixdown driving myself mad. But I've learned to trust in my work more as I've matured as an artist.

7. Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

A: Well ideally? I would like to see us touring and making music as our only sense of income.

L: Making a living off music, and touring the world. Or scraping by... But I'll rest satisfaction with the first answer.

8. How would you like to be remembered?

A: As good respectable dudes who consistently dropped bangers.

L: I would like to be remembered for my music contributions and making the world a teeny bit better with my existence. As a good son, brother, and friend.

9. If you had to live in a different country, which one would you choose?

A: Probably England or Canada (because of the free healthcare). I know it’s not a different country but I would really love to live in New York City at some point in my life.

L: Either somewhere tropical on the beach where the waves are abundant. Or Berlin, where there is an abundance of forward thinking music and culture.

10. If you were our President, what would be the first thing you’d do?

A: Do what i can to put an end to our racist police system and bring the truth about extraterrestrial life to the general public.

L: End corrupt systems, and corporate america. Put limitations on capitalism so wealth is spread more evenly. Re-design our education system. Save rainforests and shit.

11. Analog or Digital? and why?

A: As much as I would love to say analog, I would have to go with digital because it’s what we use in the studio on a regular basis. I love fiddling around with analog gear, but have always found it difficult integrating it into the workflow. Vinyl sounds better than digital tho 100percent.

L: Digital because I ain't rich yet. Digital is more accessible and has enabled me to participate in music. One day, I will spoil myself with the wonders of analog.

12. If you could sit in on any production session, who would it be with? And why?

A: I would love to sit in with Walker & Royce. Their sound design and drum sounds are something that blow my mind on a consistent basis and I NEED TO KNOW HOW THEY DO IT.

L: I would probably sit in on Geode, Commodo, Walker & Royce, Tipper, Tiga, SOPHIE, Pharrell, Woulg, and Steely Dan's sessions. Because they continue to blow my mind with their production.

THANK YOU ARNOLD & LANE <3 

- WALK WIT ME (EP) OUT EVERYWHERE 08.14.20. -

@ElasticRhythms

Why am I fearful? I need new things. God will provide.

F*ck literally why does fear always creeps in? (sorry naman sa first word haha may God pa title ko. Currently, I am here infront of my laptop planning to apply in online jobs. I have browsed a job application in Legalist. So girl why consider online job? 

I need funds.

Back story

Well I totally moved back in my parent’s house last August and I am currently unemployed. There are a lot of re-routing things that is happening now and instead to continuously feeling down and beat myself up because of what happened. I conditioned myself (and still is) to see endless opportunities. Actually, in a short span of time, I began to see that there are a lot of things and jobs that can be done. I can literally pick-up a part-time job and try to do legit business on the side. Experiment for two years and do my best (ofcourse with God’s consent still). If it didn’t work out then nadah. I will only be 25 years old by then.

I have seen an online job application at Legalist, a Litigation funding start-up enterprise, founded by two Harvard drop-outs. Their philosophy are okay and I feel that the people and team are brilliant there, based on what I have seen on their website. But why do I feel I am incapable? F*ck it I will apply after I have typed this. And to other applications which I find interesting. I plan to take up the PhilSat next year 2020 and go to Law school after I have saved up enough for 1 semester. My previous job is in the largest Law firm in the country and thereafter I pursued my “ideal” passion thing with the environmentalism advocacy, however, I was not a good fit there because of many factors: personal time, not ready physically, psychologically and culture wise. I don’t know if it was easy for me to quit because I volunteered for 3 months (not regular) and got hired then I just take it for 1 month then quit. I don’t know but maybe yeah maybe no. Who knows, I flipped the coin. But good thing is I help them still through supporting their advocacies and connecting people.  If there would be something that I have learned through the circumstances that God allowed, those are:

1.) There is no linear way in reaching to your dreams, the success you have envisioned for yourself. But I believe that I will still get there ofc through the ever support of God but I have to work hard. Work hard means it’s hard.

2.) God is killing my perfectionism. The expectations. The shoulds. I think it’s okay to deal with this now than when I am in my 50s. I have a tendency to be stubborn hence just think about it when I am already in my 50s and think I know life better.

3.) I am imperfect like everyone else. I don’t need to strive for perfection. I need to learn myself and embrace how I was created. I am a child of God. I am created to be a certain way. There are times wherein I would hate myself for being an ENFP, for being an empath because I feel to deeply and I am deeply emotional for any injustice I see. I always feel like have to contribute to something positive, something to lighten the situation and something to change it.

4.) Accept that there are things you cannot control. I cannot control people and outcome of situation. I may picture it in my head and replay it over and over but more oftentimes the result is still different.

5.) I need to improve. In this almost 7 months break, I am quite impressed of myself re: savings, travel and date with people and how God taught me (and provided for me). I would consider myself already a success but I know this is not what I can do and offer yet. Hindi pa maximized life haha pero kapagod lifestyle ko in the past 3 years ha. Ministry, work (hello OT), volunteer, family time, catching up with friends, travel, fitness...squeezed in one but I will never trade those moments.  Wait, maybe the reason why I feel exhausted now and no motivation is because I am motivated for myself? Ayoko na haha gusto ko ibang tao naman. My family, my promise trip to Israel to mama and papa. The good life for them. I don’t want the feeling that they are intimidated with people who are of “success” for them but I want them to realize abundant life and life has so much to offer. 6.) My decision is right stop dwelling. I am so careful living life that sometimes it’s too much. One career decision will not fuck me up.

7.) Tumblr is still a safe place for me than my blog. Feel ko may nagbabasa dun at ijudge ako. That is something I need to learn still to not be afraid of judgement and outer validation.

8.) I miss gym a lot. Lifting those dumbells, kettlebells and plates. Ansaya. Circuit training is so fun I am like playing. Nagfun run ako 21km pero hindi 

9.) NEW memories, greater heights will help me move-on with life. God allowed me to live in this specific moment for a reason. It is always of joy. Thre is no reason to dwell with worries and sadness. Sadness is a bad thing but I don’t want to feel it now. My personality needs NEW things, NEW places, NEW adventures and NEW people etc. I had my solo trip last week and it was so much fun. If there is a job that would allow me to have the entire world as my office please hello. HAHAHA Nagsurf pala ako pero takot ako nung una kahit may instructor and it was my 3rd time haha. Humingi pa ko ng encouragement through chatting my friends eh. Nakakamiss and nakakchallenge parang gusto kong goal long board hard tap without instructor HAHA. weeeeee can’t insert my surf vid upload ko nalang after this, promise.

10.) Embrace this is a new season.

DANG IT. It is such a relief to let this all out here!!!! my butt hurts now because of too much sitting it’s bad for mahh booty. Okay, will post this now. Bond with the fam. Eat then fucking find money haha i mean apply BYEEEE. Brave is not the absence of fear. It’s taking courage despite of fear. LOVE YAHHH BOO YAH.

SpellCraft: Aspects of Valor: Summary and Rating

What awaited me if I had won the game.

       SpellCraft: Aspects of Valor

United States

Tsunami Productions (developer); ASCII Entertainment Software (publisher)

Released in 1992 for DOS; SNES port developed but never released

Date Started: 27 July 2019

Date Finished: 25 August 2019

Total Hours: 26 Difficulty: Hard (4/5) Final Rating: (to come later) Ranking at time of posting: (to come later)

Summary: SpellCraft is an unusual, original RPG in which an American named Robert learns about a parallel magical universe and, under the tutelage of a wizard named Garwayen, grows from an apprentice to a master wizard. Most of the game consists of a series of missions in one of seven realms: Earth, Fire, Air, Water, Mind, Ether, and Death. As Robert solves these missions, he gets clues to the recipes for several dozen spells, mastering which is the key to winning the rapid game of rock-paper-scissors that soon develops between Robert and enemy wizards. Robert periodically visits Earth in between his explorations of the magic realms, getting clues, reagents, and side quests from various NPCs.

****          

I admire and am somewhat envious of the player that could not only play but excel at SpellCraft. It’s too much for me. I so lack the skill set needed to win such a game that it staggers me that winning it is even possible. You’re dealing with dozens of spells constantly flying at you from dozens of directions, monsters constantly trying to drive you off the edge of an abyss, and dozens of your own spells through which to shuffle and try to counter enemies, constantly trying to remember which spells work in which domains, while keeping your eye on a bunch of meters and maps. It is so far removed from the careful deliberation that goes into, say, Gold Box combat that it’s amazing we consider the games part of the same genre. A Gold Box game is like a good game of chess. SpellCraft is like three simultaneous games of speed chess played while wearing oven mitts.           

Usually, when I have to enter “no” in the “Won?” column, it’s because I didn’t want to invest the time necessary to win the game. Rarely do I feel that I couldn’t have won it with a little more patience. Here, I have to admit that the game didn’t wear me out or bore me. It simply beat me. I could not react fast enough to the barrage of spells the enemy wizards threw at me. In this, SpellCraft offers a “first”–specifically, the first appearance of a dynamic common to modern games that I described in an entry eight years ago in relation to Dragon Age: Origins:

          Most of the time, I have no idea what the #&*$ is going on. Seriously. Combat begins. My party members go into their tactics. I select one of the foes for my lead character to fight. I start using his special attacks. Meanwhile, there’s a cacophony of sound as friends and foes meet each other and cast spells. Colors streak across the screen. My character starts sparkling for reasons I don’t understand–am I being affected by an offensive spell, or did one of my party members cast a buffing spell? Sten starts calling for healing but then suddenly he’s at full health even though I didn’t heal him. Liliana starts saying “trap, trap, trap” even though we’re in combat and it’s unrealistic to disarm traps. My character is suddenly paralyzed and I don’t know why. The screen shakes and I go sprawling against at tree–what hit me? Then, all at once, it’s over, and apparently we’re all alive.

       The difference is that in the case of Dragon Age, the game is fighting for you as well as against you. I don’t understand what’s happening most of the time on either side, but at least some of it is benefiting me. This isn’t the case with SpellCraft. My failure to complete the game, and my assessment of why I’m unable to complete it, has implications for any number of future titles. I’ll analyze that more at the end.

Shortly after the events I recounted last, I reloaded and re-explored each of the domains until I found the Orb of Eternal Enlightenment in the Air Domain. With that in hand, I was able to re-kill the minion in the Water Domain. This was followed by the revelation that the Orb had now opened up two new domains: Ethereal and Mind. There, as Garwayen put it, “much of what you know about magic in the elemental domains will no longer be applicable.” That generated a vocal multi-syllabic response that I will not reprint on family blog.

On Earth, there were fewer places to visit but also some new places. Jack Hendricks, the paleontologist from Alberta, had moved to Dry Gulch, Arizona. Selina, my flirtatious friend from Salem, was found hiding in Agra, India, without her costume. A new friend named Spiros Talos showed up in Athens. The NPCs continued to give clues about formulas and ingredients.              

Spiros Talos delivers some unwelcome news.

                I gave up after a couple of attempts to defeat the minion in the Ethereal Domain. The graphics made it difficult for me to determine what was just a starry backdrop and what was a bottomless chasm. In three attempts to assail the place, the minion positioned himself on a thin thread of “land” with chasm on either side, making it impossible to approach and engage him directly without getting knocked off by other monsters. I tried keeping myself in the air with “Magic Wings” but the spell runs out fast, and I kept plummeting to my death before I could kill the minion with other spells. (I think he may have been dispelling it a couple of times.) In the few cases I did manage to do some damage, he just teleported away. I’m sure there’s some set of options that would have worked, but I simply don’t know what they are.

           The confusing Ethereal Domain.

          I was able to watch the rest of the game in a series of YouTube videos. There are three full series available, by users Garg Gobbler, Duke Donuts, and Fonze. Mr. Donuts doesn’t even try to win honestly, frequently switching to a cheat menu that makes him invulnerable, gives him unlimited spells (he loves to spam “Dragon”), and keeps “Magic Wings” active. “I wouldn’t wish a legitimate playthrough on anyone,” he says at one point. Nonetheless, the other two seem legitimate, although I think they’re both playing with foreknowledge of the game’s spells, mixing them as soon as they have the right aspects and words rather than waiting for the clues.

Watching the videos, I experienced a major revelation that nearly made me quit this entry and try again. I hadn’t realized that it was possible to cast certain spells, like “Teleport” and various conjurings, off the visible screen. With enough power, you can cast them anywhere on the map, using the attempt to scout the map as you go. This makes a big difference in your ability to find and target specific enemies and to acquire necessary treasures before you’re killed. But I slept on it for a couple of nights and still couldn’t motivate myself to go back to the game.

The video series let me check out the development of the plot and the ending. The Ethereal and Mind Domains deliver the Damascene Sword and a couple of spellbooks. As usual, the minions seemed to be cool guys who had just happened to become enslaved by their masters.             

The Mind Domain has some interesting terrain.

            At the end of the sequence, the Earth Master appears to taunt Robert, saying that the Council lured Garwayen away and has now imprisoned him. Robert must circle his allies on Earth to find a series of keys to access the various domains, as the portals in Stonehenge no longer work. Ultimately, he finds Garwayen’s soul in a treasure chest. He continues to find upgrades to the other equipment items.

Robert then has to invade each domain and kill the wizards themselves. In the Ethereal Domain appears a “tear-stained letter” that hints at developments to come:

             There is a wizard who has sworn himself to the College of ——. He is the most fearsome and terrible wizard of all. This wizard can call on ANY spell of ANY Other college, so powerful is the De—– Magic to which he is sworn. Beware this Wizard, for he is a great liar. His name is ——–.

            After defeating each wizard, Robert can destroy or preserve their spirits. Garwayen comments either way, usually expressing sorry at the wizard’s demise.         

After the death of the final wizard, Garwayen reveals that his body has been hidden in the trunk in Robert’s workshop the entire time, and every time Robert went off to battle a lord, Garwayen reunited his body and spirit to work his own mischief. Proclaiming himself the “Grand Wizard of the Universe,” he announces his plans to conquer Earth and return magic to the real world, at which point he will become “Grand Wizard of the Cosmos,” as if the cosmos is somehow greater than the universe.          

Shouldn’t you conquer Terra before designating yourself the Grand Wizard of the Universe?

            A few new NPCs pop up, a few die, and others continue to move around the world. In the late game, Selina is found in the caves in Lascaux, France. She tells Robert to find the Pearl of the Beloved in the Mind Domain and bring it to her.           

Robert must chase Garwayen through each of the six domains, defeating him in each one. When he finds the Pearl of the Beloved, he brings it to Selina, who gives him the Skull of the Marquis de Sade, which allows access to the Death Domain via a portal in Dry Gulch. Later, she gives Robert a Ring of the Full Circle, which allows Robert to use magic in the Death Domain.

The final battle takes place between Robert and Garwayen in the Death Domain. The videos showed so many spells flying back and forth that I couldn’t even begin to keep track of them all. Duke Donuts eventually destroyed Garwayen with unlimited castings of “Meteor Storm” and “Dragon.”              

The chaotic final combat.

               Exiting the Death Domain via the correct circle of stones brings you to the Mentor Wizard’s Workshop and the endgame cut scenes. It turns out that each of the “minions” destroyed by Robert earlier were actually the wizards of each domain, and they survived, as did Garwayen. Everything that previously transpired was in fact a “rather elaborate ordeal to test the extent of [Robert’s] powers.” Even Garwayen’s betrayal was staged, I guess. (One hopes the NPC deaths were also staged.) Robert becomes head of the council and Selina helps him restore Stonehenge and reforge the link between Earth and the universe of magic. Selina then warns of an “anti-hero” of prophecy who Robert will soon have to face. The two hop a jet to return to the United States, “where the leisurely flight home will allow us time to get to know each other better.”                 

I can think of a few.

              The game concludes with a series of humorous newspaper articles covering various subsequent events: a dragon in Stonehenge; Selina kidnapped in New York while Robert fights her abductors; an undead uprising in Romania; and a worldwide shortage of pomegranates.               

Isn’t the real news that the Chronicle is publishing again after 227 years?

             SpellCraft is a tough one to rate, owing to the confusion in categories that I describe below. My best guess GIMLET is:           

4 points for the game world. This was a tough rating because the game has such extremes in the good, bad, and weird. The magic realm isn’t terribly imaginative, with the same series of maps appearing repeatedly in each domain. But it was fun how you could visit the various locations on Earth, and I liked seeing how they changed for each stage in the game. I want to call the backstory “interesting,” but on the other hand it’s so, so horribly written.

3 point for character creation and development. There’s no creation. “Development” consists solely of hit point maximum increases that you receive at fixed points. Attack and defense scores are more a matter of “equipment” (and hardly seem to affect anything anyway). The method of earning new spells, partly based on accomplishment and partly based on the player solving puzzles, is worth a couple of points.

          As far as I got with Robert.

           4 points for NPC interaction. The friends you make on Earth have interesting personalities, and again it’s fun to visit and cycle through them to see what new tidbits they have to offer. Unfortunately, there are no dialogue options.

3 points for encounters and foes. The small selection of monsters gets old quickly, leaving your only important “foes” the various simulacra, minions, and wizards that you have to face and counter. There are no non-combat encounters.

5 points for magic and combat. It really is all about magic. The system of acquiring spells is one of the more original see in my chronology so far, and the enormous variety of spells gives you a near endless set of combat tactics. I frankly thought it was too much, and at some point the game simply lost me. More patient or talented players might increase this category by a point or two.

               The final list of magic words.

             2 points for equipment. You have four slots in which the items replace each other automatically as you acquire upgrades.

6 points for the economy. It’s surprisingly robust. You need a lot of money for spell ingredients as well as jetting around the world, which you can make by selling excess ingredients and artifacts, or by simply buying low and selling high when circling the Earth.

4 points for a main quest with the occasional side-quest involving some kind of item acquisition. I’m also giving a point here for how Death Domain is an optional area in nearly every series of levels.

3 points for graphics, sound, and interface. The graphics work well enough, but I found sound effects minimal. (The music, which I don’t rate, is quite good, featuring different themes for different domains and people.) I didn’t care for the interface–in particular how you cannot fully use the keyboard for selecting and targeting spells.

1 point for gameplay. For me, it hits all the wrong notes in this category: too linear, too long, and too hard. I gave it a point for some limited replayability based on selecting different schools of magic as the character’s specialty.

                That gives us a final score of 34, which falls below my “recommended” threshold despite good performance in some categories. The GIMLET is, of course, subjective and has always been subjective, but it feels necessary to call out its subjectivity more in this game than others. Those who take better to this style of gameplay could easily rate it closer to 50.

Computer Gaming World avoided a full review of this one, but they did cover it briefly in the December 1992 “holiday buying guide.” The author said that it “offers the most extensive magic system that we’ve ever seen in a game,” which is fair praise. Dragon gave it 4 out of 5 stars, but the reviewers clearly didn’t finish it. Like me: “We had more than one occasion where we battled enemy creatures but were defeated because we simply couldn’t find the right spell in time. At other times, it was difficult to successfully face an enemy wizard’s volley of spells.” MobyGames catalogues only two other reviews: a 79/100 from Power Play and a 67/100 from ASM.

Either Tsunami or ASCII or ASCII’s Japanese parent worked on an SNES version of the game but never released it even though it seems to have been completed. A pre-release beta version has made the rounds of abandonware sites. A YouTube video suggests that the conversion preserved few aspects of the original. Some of the character portraits are the same, and domain exploration looks similar but with different (better, frankly) graphics. Combat is entirely changed, however, with the character and enemy moving to a separate one-on-one combat screen. There are far fewer spells and no puzzles inherent in determining their mixtures. There also appears to be no Earth section.                

Combat in the children’s version of the game.

             It would be fun to hear sometime from lead designers Joe Ybarra or Michael Moore about the inspiration for SpellCraft, since it’s so unlike anything that preceded or followed it. Ybarra had been a producer at Electronic Arts for about a decade before starting his own company, but none of the titles he worked on show any hints of SpellCraft. Nor are there any clear similarities in the two following titles in which Ybarra is credited as a designer, Shadow of Yserbius (1993) and Fates of Twinion (1993), except for Mark Dickenson’s graphical style.            

              SpellCraft is a new sort of game, and there are some implications to my failure. I would say I’m unlikely to complete any game that requires a) constant reaction to b) real-time enemy attacks, c) in which the attacks and responses are extremely varied; and d) your cues as to the nature of the attacks are purely visual. So, this doesn’t rule out all real-time games because most of them only have a handful of attacks and defenses and you can get used to patterns fairly easily. It doesn’t apply to, say, the Infinity Engine games because in addition to the visual cues, the transcript tells you exactly what spells the enemy has cast. I frankly don’t yet know what games it does rule out, but I can tell you that I’ve tried a few modern action games (one of the Devil May Cry editions comes to mind), and I simply have no idea what is happening on the screen at any given time. It makes me feel old.

And speaking of feeling old, I began teaching college this week! Specifically, I began teaching students who were not yet born for, or otherwise have no memory of, September 11, 2001. I’m teaching students who never saw any of the Lord of the Rings films in theaters. Students who think of the Star Wars prequel series as “old movies.” Students for whom Back to the Future is as recent as The Bridge on the River Kwai was for me. Not only do they have no memory of an original Ultima or Bard’s Tale, they were barely alive for Morrowind and the last Infinity Engine game.

Anyway, it’s been a crazy few weeks. I hope I can get back on a regular schedule now, but there might still be a few rough patches before I return to the regularity that we saw in April to August. Thanks for sticking with me.

source http://reposts.ciathyza.com/spellcraft-aspects-of-valor-summary-and-rating/

WITCHTIPS & HOROSCOPES 8/7-13/2019

The First Quarter Moon in Scorpio occurs on the 7th, giving us the cosmic push to put our intentions into place for manifesting our dreams. Fortunately for us, this week’s astrology yields good luck and prosperity—which will help us achieve our innermost visions. The Leo Sun softly connects with Jupiter, who is retrograde in philosophical Sagittarius, on the 7th, encouraging us to reach for the stars and express our desires with the world. The following day, Jupiter retrograde links up with Venus, expanding our hearts and minds. Venus, who’s currently in passionate Leo, and Jupiter retrograde meetup on the 8th, which is the ideal time to manifest. We must use the lovely energy on the 8th to our advantage—asserting our truest wishes into the universe. We will be more apt to forgive and resolve matters on the 8th, with the intention of having a completely open heart and mind. Aug 11th is a very active day. Mercury reenters Leo, taking us back to July 26th when Mercury first entered Leo. This is our cosmic redo of July 26th-July 19th. Jupiter turns direct on August 11th, after moonwalking for the past four months. We are retracing our moral high ground from April 10th (when Jupiter retrograde began) and stepping into our personal truths. Uranus retrograde in Taurus begins August 11th, lasting until January 10th, 2020, asking us to re-evaluate our finances and relationships by honoring those who value us the most.

Aries

March 21-April 19

You’re getting a big payback on creative visions this week, all of which is expanding your confidence and your wallet. Finally, you’re reaping the fruits of your hard labor. Be aware that while you’re on the road to success, others may try to cut you down and hurt your reputation. Allow yourself to only hold space for those who lift you up, rather than cut you down. Life’s too short for drama and to always be on guard in friendships. Your life is growing and evolving—those who cannot keep up and support you aren’t worth the energy or time.

Taurus

April 20-May 20

It’s been a long road towards happiness for you. This week tests your ability to be cheerful, as you are being thrown cosmic curveballs that will affect your energy. The only war to survive is to live and speak your truth. Don’t be afraid to let others know how you feel. Don’t let the fear of reflection rule your life. Standing in your truth is a place of power. It will allow you to connect to your higher self because you are being real. No more games. Just pure honesty. This will help you live your life to the fullest capacity.

Gemini

May 21-June 20

Relationships are at a standstill this week, due to clandestine secrets that are coming out of the dark. You may feel that your partner and friends are keeping important facts hidden, which in return is making you feel off-balance. All matters come to light eventually and this week resolves mysteries that are plaguing your mind. While you may want to hit reset on all relationship matters and work such problems out, you have to focus on your self-respect. If someone has hurt you, it may be time to set them free. No matter the outcome, always put your needs first.

Cancer

June 21-July 22

This week is the ideal time to rejuvenate and restore your energy. The past few weeks have been a doozy, causing major stresses and anxieties to rise. You’re in desperate need of a relaxing and invigorating day full of self-care. All of the tensions within are causing restless nights and emotional meltdowns. It’s time to take care of yourself by meditating and going to a yoga class to decompress. While it may take a few days to get in the zen zone, you will learn to be calm in the moment—which is what your body, mind, and spirit crave.

Leo

July 23-August 22

Your professional ideals and goals are changing this week. Instead of moving forward with a new vision, you’re back peddling to manifest an old dream. While this may be your ultimate goal (at the moment) and you feel confident in executing this endeavor, it may be harder to take off and get started than you had thought. Rather than abandoning your dreams, go back to the drawing board and try to revise your plans. You may even surprise yourself by being inventive and creative in your pursuits. Don’t give up! Give yourself the time and patience to try harder.

Virgo

August 23-September 22

You’re now walking to the beat of your own drum, which is encouraging your lesser seen eccentricities to come out. You’re embracing new thoughts and experimenting with relationships to find yourself. Let your mind expand through trying out different methods, if only to promote and cradle self-evolution. You’re becoming an individual and veering away from the norms of the status quo (all of which is commendable and applaudable). Accept your unconventional beliefs and lifestyle this week. Don’t hide them from others. Be yourself and others will flock to be near you—because you are being the most authentic version of yourself.

Libra

September 23-November 21

Always one to live by the rules and civilities of society—you are now fed up with playing by the rules. You’re tired of seeing heartbreaking news every day and yearn for change in the world. This week, you’ll opt to rage against the constraints that hold you (and others) back. You’re taking a stand and asserting your beliefs on others. You may be met with backlash, particularly from your friends who do not share the same beliefs as you. Stand tall and proud knowing you are living your life the way you want. Fight for your rights. Take a stand!

Scorpio

October 23-November 21

You’re asserting your will onto others with the intention of winning an intellectual debate. While you may feel as though your opinions are not being heard—they are. You are being seen by others. Whether or not your views are being understood is a different matter. Make a checklist stating what you want to express and speak with precision to clarify all matters. You’re a great debater and amazing at playing the devil’s advocate, which is why you will be a victor amongst your peers. The only caveat is that you may become emotional at times. Keep your guard up.

Sagittarius

November 22-December 21

You’re always one to seek out the philosophical lesson from personal drama—especially when others are to blame. But, this week you are stuck in an emotional rut because you are seeing that you are the one at fault. Understanding your part may be hard, as you tend to have a high moral bar for others—even yourself. Making mistakes makes us all human—and accepting that we have hurt others is hard, however, necessary to evolve. The conflict within is causing you to not take the moral high road, which is to apologize. Sometimes saying “sorry” is the hardest thing to do.

Capricorn

December 22-January 19

What are your deepest dream? What do you truly wish to manifest? What do you love? These are all the questions you will be facing in the week ahead. The universe is knocking at your door, asking you to make important  decisions about your future. The caveat is that you are being cosmically asked to make a choice that will not only elevate your mind—but your heart as well. Committing to your deepest visions will prove challenging in this mortal coil filled with materialism and pessimism. However, you are getting clearer in honoring your truest self. Keep the faith.

Aquarius

January 20-February 18

Life is a bowl of cherries this week—full of sweetness and sour times. While you’ve been blossoming into the best version of yourself, there’s been a ton of conflict within forcing you to second guess your desires. Practice positive affirmations in front of a mirror this week to squash insecurities and to build up your confidence. Over time you will see the difference and will be happy to find that you’ve built up your confidence. By encouraging positive growth within, you are opening up your energy to new possibilities and opportunities—all of which will help you transform and rediscover yourself.

Pisces

February 19-March 20

You’ve been shying away from the public eye, due to your desire to privately deal with personal problems. This week, you’re stepping out and discussing your issues with your friends and family—only to be open with them about the reasons behind your recent strange behavior. You will feel seen and heard by your peers, which will encourage more acts of candor in the weeks to come. Your bluntness and strength will give you peace of mind, allowing you to feel calmer and more confident than before. Your core group of friends will shock you by their immense support, love, and kindness.

(x)

SO HYPED to say that there is less than 1 week until the 13th annual SONIC BLOOM! Finding & falling in love at, making friends, learning, growing, and working for SONIC BLOOM has absolutely been one of the greatest challenges yet most fulfilling joys in my life so far. 2018 will be my 6th year in a row at the festival and my second year as OFFICAL PROMO TEAM STAFF! I will be at the festival creating the INSTAGRAM STORY for the weekend. Find me at the festival to get blasted on social media.

As a longtime festival goer, I have a nice list of what I am calling my “Festival Pro Tips” including a couple pieces of advice when it comes to surviving and THRIVING the SONIC BLOOM experience.

It is also important to note, that no matter how hard I attempt to prepare in the best possible way, each festival I go to is truly a unique adventure full of plenty of surprises that can usually neither be planned nor properly packed for in advance. So consider my tips a gentle nudge in the direction of success.

Ultimately how much fun you have a seems to have more to do with your attitude and your willingness to SURRENDER TO THE FLOW & GRACEFULLY BLOOM into each magical moment of the experience. 

  MANIFESTATION MEDIA’S FESTIVAL PRO TIPS:

  #1 – TAKE BUS TO SHOW!

Looking for the best way to get to the festival from the Denver area? Join the party on the way to the party. The Homies at BTS are doing rides from Denver’s Union Station directly to Hummingbird Ranch.

Save Gas. Save Lives. Save Earth. 

>>> GRAB A BUS TICKET HERE <<< 

#2 – GRAB AN EARLY ENTRY PASS 

Arrive early on WEDNESDAY to get the best possible camping spot and settle into your space before the crowd hits to actually enjoy the first day of the festival. 

>>> GRAB AN EARLY ENTRY TICKET HERE <<< 

#3 – GO VIP 

Arrive early and get the best of the best in camping access, beverages, food, a merch package & MORE! 

>>> GRAB A VIP TICKET HERE <<< 

  #4 – VISIT THE OASIS BATH HOUSE 

Plan in advance to take a hot shower and maybe even get a massage before hitting the dance floor Saturday night. In my experience taking the time to refresh and take care of yourself is 100% WORTH IT. Step onto the dance floor feeling INVIGORATED and ready to DANCE ALL NIGHT! 

#5 – DOWNLOAD THE FESTIVAL APP & PRINT MULTIPLE DAILY SCHEDULES AT HOME (Attached below) 

Keep one schedule at your camp and the other one in your bag or pocket for easy dance floor access. 

>>> DOWNLOAD APP HERE <<<

  #6 – BRING A HEADLAMP/FLASHLIGHT + EXTRA BATTERIES

While the primary festival areas will be lighted by an amazing glow of magical art installations, stage lighting, and bright generator powered lighting, the porta potties and the late night/early morning walk back to your campsite could be dark and treacherous. The festival is held on a ranch in the “Rocky Mountains” therefore is rocky and rugged terrain. TAKE IT SLOW and BRING A FLASHLIGHT to avoid dangerous travel and scary potty situations. 

#7 – BRING A RE-USABLE WATER CONTAINER & DRINK LOTS OF WATER

Colorado’s hot and dry climate + high elevation is a recipe for dehydration if you are not fully aware of your water intake. Water is free and available at various locations throughout the festival site so take full advantage and drink as much as you can. If you are concerned about the quality of the water (as many are) consider grabbing a bottle with a filter built into it. Another idea to consider is to bring a refillable 1-5 gallon jug to keep back at camp so you don’t always have to go to the water stations for a refill. 

#8 – BRING QUALITY CAMPING AND OUTDOOR PROTECTION – DOUBLE CHECK ALL CAMPING GEAR BEFORE YOU ARRIVE.

Make sure you don’t forget things like stakes for your tent as high wind conditions may exist and you 100% DO NEED to fully stake down all tents. Camping gear that is in good shape, Sunblock + Aloe Vera Gel, Hats, Tarps, Raincoats, comfortable Sneakers AND/OR Boots, Sandals and so many more things should be considered when packing for a multiple-day adventure at Hummingbird Ranch.

 >>> REVIEW THIS CAMPING CHECKLIST OF IMPORTANT ITEMS TO BRING!<<

#9 – READ BOTH THE HEALTH & SAFETY TIPS AND THE FAQ’S ON SONIC BLOOM WEBSITE! 

#10 – FOLLOW THE RULES!

Everybody comes to SONIC BLOOM to have a great time, so do your part by following these simple guidelines to ensure your experience is as good as it possibly can be. KEY ITEMS HERE – NO GLASS, NO WEAPONS, & NO PETS!

#11 – BRING CASH & KEEP IT SAFE ON YOUR PERSON!

There will not be an ATM at the Box Office so you will need to be 100% prepared prior to arrival on site with your tickets. The ATM that does exist inside the festival is expensive and not always realiable in terms of being a great solution for getting cash. I highly recommend grabbing the cash you need prior to arrival and keeping it on your person.

#12- LEAVE YOUR PRIZED VALUABLES AT HOME & ONLY PACK IN & OUT WHAT YOU REALLY NEED!!!

I would NEVER RECOMMEND that you leave any type of valuables at your tent or campsite. Unfortunately every year people get robbed at the festival. It breaks my heart that people among us that would steal but the truth is the truth. Keep your campsite clean and tidy by only bringing what you really need to the festival. Keep expensive yet necessary items on your person and leave all other valuables locked in your car or at home. This year we also have LOCKERS available so if you don’t have a way to lock your stuff please consider this as a solution.

>>> RESERVE A LOCKER HERE <<< 

  MANIFESTATION MEDIA’S TOP SEVEN MUSIC ACTS TO SEE AT SONIC BLOOM 2018 

#1 – SONIC BLOOM ORCHESTRA

The SONIC BLOOM Orchestra is one of our favorite features each year! We can’t wait to see the magic that @dirtwire #Zilla, @toubabkrewe, @kaminanda and members of @sunsquabi, @papadosio & MORE create together under the Colorado skies!

SUNDAY ON THE BLOOM STAGE 1-2AM 

  #2 – YAIMA

I am very excited to see one of my favorite groups in the world, Seattle based, Yaima, at this year’s bloom! This incredible medicine music duo has been amazing to heal too and watch transform over the last few years since I met them one night at Cervantes when they opened for The Human Experience. I am so elated they were finally booked for SONIC BLOOM. So much love to Pepper Proud for being an amazing friend and supporter of Manifestation Media over the last few years.

FRIDAY 8-9:15PM ON THE HUMMINGBIRD STAGE

  #3 – VIBESQUAD

Don’t miss VibeSquad’s ONLY COLORADO performance of 2018. After learning through his recent video post WHY HE STOPPED DOING VIBESQUAD I am incredibly inspired to support this longtime SONIC BLOOM artist as he continues to share his love for live music production exclusively with our community.

SATURDAY 8:15-9:30 ON THE BLOOM STAGE

  #4 – Maddy O’Neal

A local Colorado “lady of the moment” this set is one of my MUST SEE’s as I have truly enjoyed watching Maddy’s career evolve past prior collaboration “Krooked Drivers” and I love her fresh solo sounds. Let this uplifting hip-hop infusion of oldskool tracks with light and lifted electronic beats surprise and delight you.

FRIDAY 9:30-10:45 ON THE HUMMINBIRD STAGE (right after YAIMA)

#5 – LIQUID STRANGER 

Are you ready to let the “Weird & Wonderful” sounds of liquid’s “freeform bass” rock your world? I know I sure am. This one may just be one of the most anticipated of the festival and as the Thursday night headliner, I anticipate that it should set a great tone for the rest of the weekend at Hummingbird Ranch.

THURSDAY 12:45-2AM ON THE BLOOM STAGE 

#6 – DIGITAL ETHOS 

Have you guys listened to his Beat Lab Radio 127 kick of show SoundCloud mix? I have had this on repeat for like a year now so this one is purely based on hoping that his SONIC BLOOM set is similar in magic to this SoundCloud mix.

SUNDAY 8:15-9:15PM ON THE MEADOW STAGE 

#7 – JADE CICADA

I had the pleasure of meeting Jade Cicada & his management team in Nashville, TN last August as a muggy rain began to fall outside of the War Memorial Auditorium at the 1st ever “Deep Tropics” EDM festival that I worked as the VIP coordinator at. I remember talking to the crew about SONIC BLOOM and dreaming together that he would get to play at the festival this year. While I wasn’t “really” involved in his being booked for this year’s bloom I do feel like it was that rainy night in Nashville that we put the idea out to the universe that I wanted him to make his debut at bloom this year AND SO IT IS. THE MAGIC OF MANIFESTATION IS REAL! Just simply ASK the universe for what you want and watch the magic unfold before your very eyes.

FRIDAY 12-1:15AM ON THE HUMMINGBIRD STAGE 

You can preview the rest of this year’s stellar music lineup from talent from around the world here!

LIVE PAINTERS

CLICK THIS LINK TO SEE THE FULL LINEUP FOR ALL OF THE AMAZING ARTIST AND COLLABORATORS COMING TO THE FESTIVAL THIS YEAR!

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  WORKSHOPS, YOGA, &  PERMACULTURE SCHEDULE 

MUSIC SCHEDULE  

PERMACULTURE SCHEDULE 

  GET CONNECTED:

JOIN THE SONIC BLOOM MUSIC FESTIVAL COMMUNITY GROUP

TICKETS & INFO: sonicbloomfestival.com FACEBOOK: facebook.com/sonicbloom RSVP:http://bit.ly/sbloom2018 APPS: http://bit.ly/2is3dGv  TWITTER: twitter.com/sonic_bloom INSTAGRAM: instagram.com/sonic_bloom_ YOUTUBE: youtube.com/user/sonicbloomfestival SPOTIFY: play.spotify.com/user/sonicbloomfestival SOUNDCLOUD: soundcloud.com/sonicbloomfestival

Manifestation Media’s SONIC BLOOM 2018 Festival Pro Tips + TOP 7 MUST SEE MUSIC ACTS + Full Festival Lineup & Schedule! SO HYPED to say that there is less than 1 week until the 13th annual SONIC BLOOM…

For most of my life, I believed my soulmate would be a man I would spend my life with – ‘til death do us part. My God had a much better plan for me.

Love at First Sight

Chewy arrived in my world in April 2007. I had let my daughter’s friend live with us for a few months and her mom sent this little fur ball over as payment. Dee put him in my arms and said, “My mom wants me to sell this little guy in front of Walmart and give you the money.”

Watching me falling in love at first sight, Dee came up with a different proposal. “Or maybe you could keep him for yourself”. In the midst of my first divorce, I thought a new friend might help. I took him to meet my new boyfriend (who would become my second husband). From that point on, we were inseparable.

From the start, Chewy showed us what a fighter he was. Before we gave him his shots, he got Parvo. Two obstructions in his first year also led to a couple of surgeries. All the while, tears flowed from our eyes as we felt the insecurity of our “parenting” skills. We had named him Chewbacca – Chewy for short. I guess the joke was on us. Many a pair of shorts, underwear, Doc Martens, and leather jackets – all chewed up.

Thank goodness for a good dog crate and tennis balls! Oh, how he loved his tennis balls, often falling asleep with one in his mouth. This was usually after a good afternoon of chasing said tennis ball.  One of Chewy’s favorite things to do; lose his ball under the couch so either the hubby or myself would have to retrieve it. Once, he even lost it the very moment I had just given it back!

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A New Addition

Much to his exasperation, we brought home a sister for Chewy two years later. He was none too pleased. And when we brought little Cherry into our bed to snuggle with the three of us, he froze up like he was dead and would not talk to us. But he got used to her rather quickly and the pair were joined at the hip. Almost literally. They walked side by side, hip to hip. They slept in a Yin-Yang shape together.

They were indeed, Yin and Yang. Or as I called it Addict (Chewy) and Codependent (Cherry). While Cherry was timid and a bit clingy, Chewy was bold, strong and protecting of all.

Throughout the years, Chewy ran the household. If I was in bed on a Saturday morning and the hubby was up and about, Chewy would paw at me until I got up and joined the rest of the family in the Livingroom. On the flipside, once the hubby went to bed, my little guy would paw at me until I joined the family in the bedroom…

Chewy was more of a person than a pup. Scoffing and scolding me when he didn’t get his way. And oh, so prideful when he achieved something like the time he “saved” the hubby from drowning in the river. He just jumped right in and landed in a patch of floating grass. After we pulled him out, he walked about like a prancing pony with his chest all puffed out. Leaping at Cherry as if to say “I can swim! I can swim!”, “Who’s the alpha now b!tch?!!”

Why do I call him my soulmate?

Because no one ever got me the way my Chewy did. If I was depressed and sleeping too long, there was Chewy, pawing at me. Informing me that I have spent too much time in my slumber and that I needed to let him take me out for a walk.

I have been sober for close to 15 years and 11 years of that time has been spent with my Chewy. Indeed, I have at least on one occasion told my sponsor “Chewy ate my 4th step!” When I suffered from Gastroparesis, he lay by my side when I was sick. Doing Yoga and meditation was a joint activity as he had to practically sit on my lap when I was in meditation and on my stomach while I lay in Savasana.

A few years back, Chewy had a low-grade Sarcoma and was not expected to grow any more tumors. We celebrated his beating cancer, now referring to him as “Heisenchewy”. My little fighter.

  A New Chapter

In 2017, the hubby and I decided we had done our best to no avail. We filed for divorce. He moved into a Condo (more him), I bought an RV and moved into a park down by the river (more me). He got the cat and I got the dogs.

Freedom! My daily routine started out with a long walk with the pups, coffee and then Yoga. We took so many walks throughout the day, enjoying and basking in the temple of nature. God’s country. At night, we snuggled and watched Netflix together. We learned to live in a whole new world. A world in which time slowed down. The neighbors got to know us well as we were always out doing something fun and exciting.

Shortly afterward, we had to separate the dogs while Chewy recovered from a degenerative disc condition. Cherry had to stay with my son and for the first time in Cherry’s life, they were not together. This was painful. But I knew it was only temporary.

In late November, I headed to The Big Island for an advanced Yoga teacher training and some additional vacation time. This would be the best vacation of my life. For during this time, I fell in love with a friend I had met in August. In addition, another stay at the Shambhava Konalani Ashram was just what the doctor ordered. Re-centering my spirituality, my Yoga practice & teaching skills, aaaaand falling in love in just 2 weeks! Not too shabby for a woman pushing 50!

Bittersweet

“Mom, what is Lymphoma?” was the text I received on the 4th day of my stay at the Ashram. “Why?!!!”, I texted back. “Because Chewy might have it.” I headed to the living room at the Ashram so I could get a good phone service. Upon answering his phone, I could tell by my ex-husband’s voice that this was real. Really f!cked up!!! He was sobbing and informed me that the doctor was pretty confident in her diagnosis.

No, there is no cure for Lymphoma in dogs. Yes, we could treat him with chemo but it would affect the quality of his life. No, I did not need to head back early. The tumors were in a very early stage.

So, as I am bonding with 6 other amazing women at the ashram and falling in love with an incredible man, I am now also preparing to say goodbye to my Chewy. My soulmate.

The last two months of his life were spent with lots of hugs, sleeping on the couch at my son’s together. Walking the neighborhood and giving Chewy whatever he wanted. If Chewy wanted a burger, he got a burger. Pizza? It’s yours, buddy!

But sooner than I had hoped, his tail no longer wagged. He only occasionally chased after a tennis ball thrown his way.

Never Ready

One can be as prepared as they might think but never truly ready to say goodbye. It didn’t happen the way I had envisioned it, in the living room of the home Chewy always knew. But rather on a blanket, in the middle of the night at an emergency Pet clinic. Chewy was struggling to breathe. I called my ex-husband and told him that he might want to meet me at the Pet ER.

After the doctor said Chewy would probably have an extremely rough night, we decided that it was time. This superb facility provided our boy with a full buffet, including chocolate chip cookies. Chewy ate like a king that night.

We cuddled, took pictures, shed some tears, and expressed our undying love to the little guy. I told him how he taught me how to love, how to see things beyond my tiny bubble of a world. I asked him if I had shown enough love, spent enough time…Did he know how better a person I had become because I had my soulmate for the past 11 years?

Then, he let us know. He was ready. We were not. However, his comfort was more important now. He walked over to the doctor and laid down. Two shots were empathetically and kindly given. After which, the doctor checked his heart and let us know that he was gone.

No longer having to hold back the guttural sobs that were waiting to come out, I let loose. This, this was much harder than my two divorces put together. My boy, my Heisenchewy, my soulmate had left for good.

For these few days The hills are bright with cherry-blossom Longer, and we should not prize them so – Yamabe No AkaHito

Goodbye, my dearest Chewy. You brought many a Cherry-blossom into my life. I am now ready to accept the seasons. Mama misses you with every part of her soul.

Chewy visited me in a dream the other night. He was walking around the way he often would, like that prancing pony. “Mommy, where’s my ball?”, he asked. I woke up hoping he found it and never loses it again.

My Soulmate For most of my life, I believed my soulmate would be a man I would spend my life with - ‘til death do us part.

25 Lessons from Age 25

1. HOME IS A VIBE

Throughout my whole life, I always thought home was a place. A city, a state, four walls and a hard-wood floor. I don’t believe this anymore. With my family and friends spread out across the country like a cream-cheesed bagel, I realized now that home is as much everywhere as it is nowhere. It’s in the memories and the songs and the thoughts that race through my mind as I fall asleep. Ain’t no place like it. 

2. SUMMER IN THE SOUTH IS LIKE WINTER IN THE MIDWEST

It’s the kind of lock-yourself-in-and-binge-watch weather that I though only existed in the dark days of Midwest winter. Except in the South, an Irish Coffee does not soften the blow. No liquor nor liquid can save you from this wet heat. It’s like being trapped inside of a beached whale. Just embrace the sweat. Just breathe. It’s the price one pays for 70 and sunny in December.

3. THE SOPRANOS IS THE GREATEST SHOW OF ALL TIME

I don’t know why it took me so long to press play on episode one. Probably some combination of fears. The fear that one cultural phenomenon from the early 2000’s could never live up to the hype. The fear that 7 seasons might as well be considered a hobby. In any case, the fear wasn’t warranted. The character depth on this show could home a giant squid. It’s simply the best.

4. NFL KICKERS ARE VALUABLE 

Every August, I offer up my emotional wellbeing to the 53-man roster of the San Diego Chargers. And every year, they find an innovative way to lose games – spiraling me into a fit of heated disappointment for 2-3 subsequent days. This year, my anguish was at the feet of 5 incompetent kickers. Never in my life have I seen so many different people do equally shitty at the same job. 9-7 could have been so much more.

5. TALES FROM THE CRYPT

I don’t really know what crypto currency is and I don’t really care to do the research. All I know is that my roommates convinced me to buy some. Now, on a daily basis, I’ve either lost everything or I’ve exponentially multiplied my money. It’s a great way to inject some crippling fear into your otherwise stable life.

6. I CAN ROUGH IT

We were warned that humans should not go to the Appalachian Mountains in such hazardous winter conditions. “That’s cute,” they said. “I love camping and I would never do that,” they said. I laughed this off as I soaked up the rays of the mountain sun. At the tender hour of 6 PM, I knew they were right. Never in my life have I been so cold, but I survived the night. 

7. THE GRIND IS REAL

My dentist recently told me that I grind my teeth when I sleep. I didn’t really believe him until my first night with a sleep-in mouth guard. I woke myself up 3 times from chomping down on that bad boy like corn on the cob. Touché mister dentist…touché.

8. HOW TO EAT CRAWFISH

It’s way harder than it fuckin looks, and everyone has a style that they think is right. The most effective way for me: Rip off that head, slurp the juices, crunch the sides of the tail lightly, peel back the shell, and eat the meat. Repeat until you are disgusted with yourself.

9. DON’T SKIMP ON THE FISH BOWL CONDITIONER

Instead of running out to PETCO to grab another bottle of water conditioner, I thought I could stretch out the last remaining bit among two bowls and re-up for the next round. The next morning, I found both of my Beta fish (Pepperjelly and Kyrie) dead at the bottom of their tanks. The scene will stick with me until I too am dead. I’m so so sorry guys. 

10. KEEP IT SALTY

The easiest way to turn your body into Gumby and your brain into gum balls is through a hot epsom salt bath. I don’t know what they put in that stuff, but I am hooked. You ladies had this shit down a long time ago and I applaud you for it.

11. HOW TO FLY ON AN AIRPLANE

I flew on more planes this past year than I did the 24 years prior combined. With lots of practice, you learn little things that assist on the journey. Firstly, download your Spotify playlists before the flight so you can listen in the sky. Secondly, use the debit card with the bad strip and they will give you your Gin & Tonic for free to avoid holding up the line.

12. HOW TO MAKE A GOOD GIN & TONIC 

I had a new-found love and appreciation for this drink in 2017. It’s sharp, yet refreshing. Sophisticated, yet simple. Just a damn good drink for the night time hours. Pour 2 shots gin and 2 ½ shots tonic over a ¾ full glass of ice cubes. Top with a one-second squirt of lime juice. Stir and drink with a colorful bendy straw. Add a splash of orange or cranberry juice if you are feeling “tropical.” Enjoy.

13. THE RAPPER’S WRITING PROCESS

There’s something magical about the driver’s seat that I just can’t get from sitting down at a desk. As much as I like to write, I’ve never written a song on paper. I start with a line in my head and say it out loud and build it bit by bit, so by the time it’s done I already have it memorized. With the beats blasting, I can write and recite over and over until it’s polished. Sometimes at night I drive up and down the same strip of Canal St. while I work on a song. I probably look like a drunkard, but process is process.

14. KENDRICK LAMAR HAS MY BACK

DAMN. came out about one week before I moved from Omaha to New Orleans, and it served as the soundtrack to my re-location. It was the sound of a transition of styles. Something new, scary, and exciting. Fast forward six months, and I’m feeling lost. I see Kendrick live on stage at Voodoo Fest, surrounded by thousands of people chanting “We gon’ be alright!” in unison. His presence alone feels like some sort of divine intervention. He was my support system throughout this whole thing.

15. BEWARE THE SPICY SALADS 

I learned this lesson twice at 25. The first time was a pre-packaged Cajun salad at Louis Armstrong Intl. Airport in New Orleans. The pink dressing made my eyes water and I was completely taken off guard. It was a good burn. The second time was at the Chili’s in the Dallas Fort-Worth Airport. Their chipotle ranch dressing was spicy on a practical joke kind of level. When the waiter asked if I wanted more dressing we both laughed in a “fuckin good one” kind of way. My subsequent flight was the worst of my life.

16. I CAN ROCK A CAP

I always thought that my head was too small or misshapen for hats. I experimented at age 15 and hated the results. Since then, I have largely avoided the idea altogether. One Autumn day, I tried on a random hat hanging on the coatrack and my whole view changed. My head was made for the so-called “dad cap.” My hair might not last forever, but a new door has been opened when it comes to cranial decorations.

17. DON’T BET ON THE SPREAD

You might as well buy something instead of just throwing your money away on sports betting. “Oh, Creighton is a 9-point underdog to Gonzaga?! This is too good to be true!” Creighton lost by 17 and this was the first and last time I will bet on a sporting event. Even at the casino, you play games and get free drinks. Sports betting is a hot date that never shows up to the restaurant. Enjoy that cold dinner alone, Tyler. You deserve it.

18. CLOTHES STEAMER > CLOTHES IRON

Light, compact, effective, and efficient. I don’t know how I got by without one  of these gizmos before. Just put that shirt on a hanger and blast away with some steam. It’s almost too easy. Word of caution: DO NOT use the clothes steamer while you are wearing the clothes. I did this and got a Burger King looking grill mark burn on my chest for about a week.

19. I HAVE A THING FOR FRENCH GIRLS

Namely, French girl singers of the 1960s. France Gall, Brigitte Bardot, Françoise Hardy, and the like. I have no idea what they are saying in their joyous tunes, but it’s so buttery that I don’t care. I feel like I understand it nonetheless. I also met Marion this year, a real-life lady from France. She loved to dance and I will miss her.

20. ALONE TIME IS A GIFT

I took this for granted when I had my own apartment with just me and my cat Pancake. I could do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted and got very little pushback on my lifestyle choices. If I cleaned up, it stayed clean unless I made a mess. If I wanted to sleep in, I slept in. It was simple. Now, with two roommates, I’ve learned to cherish the time I get alone. You never know how long it will last.

21. I CAN FINISH AN AUDIOBOOK

It’s always been difficult for me to read an entire book. I get bored, my eyes get tired, and after a while, I’m just reading words while thinking about food or when I fucked up “memorable” in the 5th grade spelling bee. “M-O-M...do I have to finish?” My love of podcasts has been around since my late teens, so it seems pretty obvious that audiobooks might be a good way to absorb some literature. Obvious or not, it took me several years to figure that out. I’m very happy to have gained valuable insights from Chuck Klosterman, Malcolm Gladwell, Tina Fey, and others this past year.

22. THERE ARE MANY DIFFERENT TYPES OF POOLS

Back in Nebraska, I knew of three types: home, public, and country club. I figured that this was just how pools worked in the United States. I was wrong. There are all sorts of weird pools. Swanky rooftop pools with all attractive people and $15 drinks. Tiny park pools that look like Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater creations. And then there is The Drifter. A pool for the punk scene where tops are optional. What a world we live in.

23. AMAZON PRIME IS AN INCREDIBLE DEAL

I had my entire living arrangement shipped for free to my doorstep in 2 days. Bed and desk and chairs - everything. The works. If it can be bought, you can buy it on Amazon. On top of that, you can watch Transparent, Mozart in the Jungle, and One Mississippi. If that’s not worth $100, I don’t know what is.

24. TALKSPACE THERAPY IS MY SHIT

Thank you for everything Jenise! 

25. YOU CAN MAKE NEW FRIENDS, BUT YOU CAN NEVER REPLACE YOUR HOMIES

You know who you are. You know all of the dumb shit we’ve done. You were there through all of the bad breakups and shakeups and opportunities to eat chicken wings. It has not gone unnoticed or unappreciated. I love you guys and gals to death.

How a Fibromyalgia Warrior Takes Control of Her Joint Health + GIVEAWAY

New blog post!

This post is generously sponsored by GOPO. 

When you have fibromyalgia, trial and error is a regular part of everyday life. You tweak your medications, your workout routine and even the foods you eat (perhaps going as far to try a gluten free diet for fibromyalgia), all in the hopes of finding a happier, healthier you. I'd be lying to say that I've found the secret formula to eliminating my fibromyalgia pain. However, in my 10-year journey with chronic illness, I've discovered several tricks that help me manage my fibromyalgia symptoms. One of the most recent additions? A joint health supplement called GOPO, which three lucky winners will get the chance to try for themselves.

Keep reading to learn four ways this fibromyalgia warrior takes control of her joint health and to enter the GOPO giveaway!

1. Keep a food journal or jot down what you ate before having a flare, and try to avoid dietary triggers. 

I get it. Keeping a food journal is tedious and time-consuming. And, as always, you should talk with your doctor before making any big changes to your diet.  If you're sick of randomly feeling cruddy after meals, though, a food journal can be a good place to start!

My kind of food journal!

Take me, for example. I have to eat a gluten free diet due to celiac disease. When I continued to battle joint pain and bloating after going gluten free, though, I started paying attention to what gluten free foods were still triggering flare ups. What did I discover? For one thing, corn and I do not get along. Whether it's in the form of pasta, chips or corn on the cob, corn messes with my stomach and my joints. I also stumbled upon the low fodmap diet (just google that phrase if you aren't familiar with it), and pinpointed over foods on my body's no-go list (like garlic and mango). How you keep a food journal is up to you. Personally, I kept a "visual" journal by taking pictures of my meals (Instagram photos with a purpose!). You don't have to keep a food journal forever, either. Maybe start with a week, see if you have any flares with identifiable triggers, and go from there!

2. Find the exercise routine that works for your body. 

Repeat after me: everybody is different...and every body is different too. Some of my friends feel awesome running several days a week and doing nothing else. Others love weight lifting and hardly ever do cardio.

At the bottom of The Incline!

Personally, I've found that a mix of different often low-intensity exercises suits my body best. Yoga can help me stretch out and release tension after a long day of computer work. Biking lets me get cardio without hurting my knees. Weight lifting - after years of slowly building up strength and learning what moves don't trigger a fibromyalgia flare up - helps me feel like a (mini) badass. And, most recently, trying out rock climbing or long hikes (like the infamous Manitou Incline!) is good for my soul. The point is that you should find the exercises that work for you and your body. Keep in mind that your "perfect" workouts may change with time. Recently, I re-aggravated an old IT band strain, which means my stationary bike, long walks and yoga are majorly off-limits. Instead, easy stretching, weight lifting and short stints on the elliptical are what my body needs right now.

I'll also say this: don't give up hope. Sure, it's super frustrating when you try (and maybe even love) a new exercise routine, only to be hit by a major fibromyalgia flare the next day. But when you learn the workouts that actually work for your body? That feeling is worth all of the time and mistrials!

3. Listen to your body - and don't feel ashamed or embarrassed to cancel plans if you need to.

In a culture full of FOMO (or Fear of Missing Out), it can be easy to feel obligated to always be social, productive and, well, on. I know I often fall victim to this mindset; when I'm not in class, I'm working on homework. When I'm not working on assignments for school, I'm just plain working. And even when I have some "free time," I'm often spending it on (rewarding but brain-consuming) activities like blogging. When your body is screaming that you that you need to slow the heck down, though, try to listen. Consider telling your friends the basics about fibromyalgia, so that they can better understand why you sometimes feel like Superwoman (or Superman)...and sometimes can barely get out of bed. Instead of full-out canceling plans, you can also suggest flare-friendly alternatives like a movie marathon or a relaxing night under the stars.

Equally socially awkward roommates help too...

When you do need to cancel plans outright, don't beat yourself up about it. I vividly remember how, during my last semester of college, I accidentally took my pills - including my sleeping medicine - four hours early. I had an important class that night, but I knew I'd be a zombie by the time it started. I cried, hated the fact that I had to worry about taking pills at all, and, in the end, I missed that important class. But the world didn't end, my final grade didn't fall off a cliff, and I got the sleep that my body obviously needed. You didn't choose to have a chronic illness, but you can choose not to blame yourself for needing to slow down every once in a while. And that decision can make a huge difference.

4. Look into supplements like GOPO. 

The newest "trick" I've added to my joint health routine is a supplement called GOPO Rosehip with Galactolipids. If you've never heard of GOPO, it's probably because it's more well-known (and commonly used) in Europe. However, GOPO is now available in America...and if you're looking for a way to upgrade your joint health, this supplement could help.

How does it work? You can thank the galactolipids found naturally in rose hip, which is the fruit of a rose. Galactolipids are thought to aid joint and joint tissue health*, and GOPO's rose hip is designed to be especially potent and targeted toward joint care. GOPO only contains three ingredients - rose hip, hypromellose, and vitamin C (sodium ascorbate) - and is free of gluten, wheat, yeast, dairy, lactose, shellfish and animal products. 

So what has my experience been with GOPO? It would be an exaggeration to say that my joint pain has disappeared since I started taking GOPO. However, combined with my usual stretching and trigger-free diet, my joints have been handling the weather changes and stress associated with moving to a new state much better than I anticipated. Slowly but surely, my leg injuries have also been improving. I couldn't have found a better time to try out GOPO, either. Since rose hip is naturally high in Vitamin C, GOPO is a great secret weapon for staying healthy during back to school season!

As I've said earlier in this post, what works for me may not work for you and, in my experience, a combination of different lifestyle changes and treatment plans is often needed to live your healthiest and happiest life with fibromyalgia. However, when I hear about a supplement that offers a natural way to improve my joint health, it definitely catches my attention.

If you're curious about how GOPO would affect your joint health and want to try it for yourself, you can find GOPO at The Vitamin Shoppe, Vitamin World and stores like Kroger and Walgreens. If you enter my GOPO-sponsored giveaway below, though, you could be one of the three lucky winners to receive a voucher for a free bottle of GOPO (up to a $29.99 value)!

GOPO Giveaway Rules

This giveaway ends on August 25 at 12 AM Central time, and the three winners will be announced here by August 27. This giveaway is only open to US residents over age 18, and the randomly selected winners will have 24 hours to respond to my email and claim their prize. There is no purchase necessary, the number of eligible entries received will determine the odds of winning, and this giveaway is void where prohibited by law.

Best of luck to everyone who enters!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

When you're living with fibromyalgia, finding a treatment plan that works for you can feel like searching for the holy grail. If you're feeling frustrated, though, just know this: small changes to your lifestyle, your diet or even your medications can make a big difference in your overall quality of life. And there's nothing more rewarding than finally figuring out what your body really needs!

*These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease.

How do you take control of your joint health or overall health? Tell me in the comments below!

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Lunar Eclipse in Leo- Libertine

Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing.”  – August Wilson

Effective Date:  February 11, 2017 at 1:43 am UT at 22 Degrees Leo

Helios’ Astrological Angle on the Lunar Eclipse in Leo–  Okay, so this Eclipse. Lordt. This Eclipse is absolute magic, wrapped in a screaming anxiety attack. You will fear it at first, and who could blame you? Honestly it looks like a flaming car crash barrelling towards you, and trying to run headlong in the other direction is a perfectly natural reaction to that! Eclipses are always viewed as Harbingers of great change. This time it’s a Lunar Eclipse, so the change is internal and emotional. How fitting is that? After all we have been through lately? We are all emotional right now, sometimes for absolutely no discernible reason. It is totally normal. This eclipse is very much focusing on the completion of a cycle that was started last year. You did the work, and now you need to take another big step. What it also represents is that you are taking yourself far too seriously– Relax and stop believing your own hype! Your fear is ruling you, and holding you back. The only way to beat your fear is to take away its power by laughing at it- fear requires you to take it seriously in order to rule you. Embrace the path of the Fool, the cosmic jester. Life is not so serious- in fact it’s the biggest joke there is!

This Eclipse wants to save your life, and you have to let it. Let go.

Artemis’ Tarot Take on the Lunar Eclipse in Leo- Eclipses are powerful things, and they compel us from far, far away – like the moon itself.  You may have been wandering, stuck and alone in your head for the past few months.  You thought you had things figured out and then BAM something hit you out of nowhere and you are back at what you believe is square one.  Once you let go, once you allowed yourself to follow some strange path that seemed to make no fucking sense the further you walked along it, the closer you got to that land-marker that lit up the whole god damn world for you.  I know the last few months have been emotionally crushing, but we NEEDED to cleanse before we walked through the fire – or we wouldn’t make it through with all that residual muck of our past clinging on like a parasite.  Unfortunately we have to pay the toll for all our mistakes before we can cross the bridge.  A lot of you have left behind lives of convenience for lives lived from the heart.  This lunar eclipse will be your reward – your crown – and your divine grace.  This full moon will remind you why you did what you did.  So get ready for some divine inspiration.

The Sun, Moon, Jupiter, Saturn and Uranus– It sounds trite, but this eclipse is all about illumination. Wherever it falls in your chart is where you are going to get this major insight, and it is where you will finally wake up and get it right. A fog will be lifted with this eclipse, and you will realize what you have been doing wrong and how to fix it. This eclipse is not unkind, not in the least, not even with Saturn and Uranus being the main players. No, this eclipse sees the planets in some of their most compassionate roles we have seen in months, maybe years. I am honestly not sure what broke with them, but it is most definitely a welcome change. There is a real air of purification here, showing that the way forward is by refining and perfecting your life. This may feel like it is a heaven-sent message, but it truly comes from within you. Everything about this eclipse is self-centered, meaning becoming centered in oneself is the way to win here. Once your inspiration hits you, hold on to it. Do not forget, and keep trying to bring yourself to that place. Remember how it feels, that awakening within you, and keep that feeling. Coming from that emotional place will guide you through the storm that surrounds you, enabling you to avoid that which seeks to pull you under it’s waves.

Stop trying to destroy yourself. Where has self-flagellation gotten you? Your penance is served, and your debt is erased. It is time to move on from your punishment, and it is time to truly live your life. This is classic re-invention of life type of Astro, and as with all astro, the magic only works if you choose to use it. If you let this opportunity slip you by, don’t come crying to me when the lessons start up in Scorpio season, saying how you missed out! Let what needs to die, die already! Quit trying to give it CPR! Your frustration is coming from change not coming fast enough, but without you making room for it how can the change come about? You cannot keep striding your past and your future, you have to give yourself permission to jump into your destiny with both feet. Quit dithering and get to moving! You know what it s that you need to do, now give yourself permission to do so.

For this eclipse, you need to learn how to stand on your own two feet, instead of using those around you as a crutch. You do not have to cling to others in order to succeed. Stop being a parasite, you need to evolve. You are the real deal, my friend, and it’s high time that you started acting like it! You’ve been talking a big game, now you need to put your money where your mouth is. At the moment, no one takes you seriously, and this is the only way to change their opinion- prove them wrong. Do better, and the people who you want to notice, will. Becoming the change you want to see in the world starts within yourself.  (Minor Planets used: Eris, Hekate, Atropos, Damocles, Haumea, Ixion, Hygeia, Sisyphus, Narcissus, Echeclus, Chaos, Orpheus)

The Sun (The Chariot), Moon (Queen of Swords), Jupiter (2 of Cups), Saturn (3 of Pentacles) and Uranus (The Fool)-  So this entire full moon is reminding me of a giant flaming ball of inspiration.  There will be a grand trine in fire between Uranus, Saturn and the Moon, and there will also be a delightful sextile between Uranus and the Sun and Saturn and the Sun – fire and air.  I’m betting some creative energies, along with the sexual energies (see Mars and Venus below) will be turned up to 10 this weekend.  I can’t tell you enough how fucking happy I am to look at this chart after the hell-fire we have been experiencing since Scorpio season.  This is DIVINE fire, the good kind.  The kind you need in order to take on major challenges, boost your self esteem, and cut through the bullshit.  The sun will be motivating new ideas, fresh perspectives, and an air of rebelliousness.  This sun/Uranus sextile is like an alarm clock in our ears telling us it is time to GET TO WORK.   But a sextile is easy energy.  You will WANT to wake up.  And the sun sextile Saturn; you will WANT to get to work.  Your intellect (sun in Aqua- air) will get that fire injection is so desperately needs from both the father of rebellion and the father of restriction.  So we will have both of their blessings to move ahead (fuck yes).

You will realize that you have been sleeping – aye dreaming – long enough and it is time to get on with your day.  The Chariot and The Fool are clearly indicating that we must ignite our engines and jump into our future, no matter how much anxiety may be brewing underneath.  Hopefully the other planets will give you enough fire UMPH that you don’t even think about taking that step – you just do it.  Fuck, things will look TEMPTING and exciting for once, and you’ll want nothing more than to liberate yourself form the wreckage of your former life.  This is the final step of our grieving process.  Remember, as Yoda said, there is no god damn fucking “try,” only “do.”  This is the kind of moon this is.  We are about to spill our lifeblood (2 of cups) into the chalice of higher understanding, and for once we are not going to sit back and be told who we are.  “YOU DEFINE WHO YOU ARE”, roars the lion.  Even if you weren’t planning on starting a project, it is going to land on your lap (seriously, probably out of fucking nowhere).

Even though everything is inspiring, the moon is still about her tough love (thanks Queen of Swords).  Your inner world wont stand for laziness, wont stand for you sitting in the background, and wont stand for you not taking a stand.  Even if you didn’t think you had to stand up for yourself, you’re gunna have to (Leo full moons are also very, very DRAMATIC).  Take your crown, don’t think too much about it, and ACT.  If you see injustice, you will be called to ACT.  Leo takes care of his own, and he will devour you if you cross his friends.  This is the kind of force this moon is asking for.  You must stand up for what is right, and there you will receive grace and the map to your next destination.  Fire signs are all about action, and with the Sun in Aqua beneficially aspecting innovation driven Uranus, your mind will be quick to hop on board with no arguments this time.  This moon is giving us our DESIRE and PASSION back if we purge the last of our dead weight.

Mercury and Venus– Anxiety is kind of the hallmark of an eclipse, and this one is no exception. You can blame Mercury for that, and Venus isn’t helping matters much. The anxiety comes because there is something coming up for you that you do not wish to face, and you know exactly what it is. You cannot live your life in the shadows, you must own all of who and what you are. It lies and tells you that it is the safer route, the better choice, but these two are not having any of it. What you want and what you are doing have to align, and if they do not, then you need to rebalance yourself. Make yourself a priority in your own life for once! You need to choose what it is that really matters to you and chase after it with all that you have. No half-stepping! Have the courage to show the world who you are. (Minor Planets used: Crantor, Elatus, Sphinx)

Mercury (Page of Pentacles) and Venus (6 of Cups)-  We have another lovely sextile here between Venus and Mercury, and finally a sort of pleasantness to life even though shit is going bonkers.  Venus is telling you, “FUCKING ENJOY YOURSELF.  I am giving you lots of opportunities for this, and I am amping up your sex life.  What else do you mortals want from me?”  The ability for joy is so transient, and any time you are not in direct conflict should be a time of ease.  Your mind wants to get to work, and Venus wants to play, and I see no conflicts here…  Work doesn’t have to be dull and dreary.  Fuck, Mercury will be in Aquarius and Venus will be in Aries, meaning fucking try something new.  Experiment a little with your work, have fun with it, and ideas will flow like they have never flown before.  I don’t care how routine your existence seems to be, it is literally your perspective that makes you melt into that routine instead of engage in it.  Look at the world through the eyes of an excited child ready to experiment with everything she touches.

Don’t dive so far into the pleasure that you forget the work part.  There is always a warning not to be “naive” when the 6 of Cups is pulled, and in the realm of Venus, that means don’t let momentary pleasure get in the way of your values and future goals.  It is time to express your desires (hello Venus), but remember to bring your brain (Mercury) along for the ride.  It should also be said that the mind (Mercury) will get dull and far too cold without the infusion of passion from Venus (So yes, heart and mind playing together, neither leading the way, like tag team wrestling or some shit).  These two are essentially our “checks and balances” of this lunation.

Mars and Neptune– Inspired action. That is the keywords for these two. Big changes are happening for you, and you must rise to meet them, even if it feels like an impossible task. Your natural reaction is going to be to hermit and try to hide away from this eclipse, because it is going to bring up some hard truths for you. This will scare you, and you are not going to want to face it. You must.  What needs to happen is that you need to stop being afraid of your own shadow. Your self-imposed exile has to end NOW. What the astro wants, no demands from you is, total participation in your own life. Trying to skate through like a car on neutral sliding on a patch of ice is death, and that is what you are doing. If you shift gears, you can save yourself still, but you aren’t making any moves to as of yet! This astro is scared for you, and wants you to succeed, but you are unconsciously holding yourself back from doing so. You are your own worst enemy right now, and if you can accept the truth in front of your face that you are not making the right moves and resist responding with a bruised ego, but instead choose to adjust yourself, than you will get the crucial guidance that you need. (Minor Planets used: Asbolus, Amycus, Altjira, Circe, Terpsichore, Kassandra, Icarus; Chariklo)

Mars (10 of Pentacles) and Neptune (High Priestess)-   Well well well, why are all the cards so god damn archetypal?  It seems like everything is calling on it’s higher form, and things are actually working in our favor right now…  uh, too good to be true?  Sometimes amazing things do happen, Heretics, and brushing them off as fantasy when they are here because of YOUR making is dropping an opportunity.  Neptune is being kind of quiet during this chart, but the High Priestess reminds me that so much is going on underneath the surface.  The things that are going on cannot be spoken of…  This gives me both the chills and a sense of divine orchestration.  The High Priestess as Neptune tells me that dreams have been getting a bit strange or intense for everyone, and that we should pay very close attention to them.  We are receiving a fuck ton of messages from our subconscious right now, and this will come in flashes of insight, through the dream realm, or from our intuition.  Again – pay very close attention to what your subconscious mind is trying to tell you right now because it is tapped in for sure.  Life around here has gotten, well, strange, and everyone is full of an ambition of a different nature.  People are starting to realize that the idea of redemption and success that they have been fed are far from satisfying.  It is becoming very apparent that real hard work with integrity gets you nowhere in a society that celebrates undermining your peers to get ahead.  Mars is outraged, and he is coming for what is his – just like you are.  We may not know exactly what it is that has been taken from us, but we are damned if we aren’t going to fucking find out.  

Pluto– Here we have the unsung hero, maligned as a villain. While Pluto has been the source of our problems in the last few years, here he is providing us with the strength that we need in order to survive the times when he doesn’t have all the power over us! Pluto has become our backbone, the foundation of who we are. What he has done is exposed our souls, and enabled us to see who we are, by ripping away the false idols and ideas that we tried to cling so desperately to. Pluto showed us the truth, and we wear him as a shield now. The truth that we accept can never hurt us. In one of my favorite book series, there was a Macguffin called the Sword of Shannara (the same title of the book it made its debut, imagine that), which would pass right through flesh if it was tried to use to cut or hack away at someone. You would think such a thing was worthless, save for a neat party trick, but it had the power to defeat the big bad and avoid a war- What it had power over was truth. The big bad cloaked himself in fear and lies, and used it as his power; He became what he was because of his fear and sought power to rid himself of fear, but he used fear as a weapon. The sword cut through those lies and revealed what was beneath, but before it could be used, it always showed the user the truth of themselves first. Sometimes it broke those who tried to use it because they could not accept the truth of who they were. Make peace with him, and yourself. (Minor Planets used: Cyllarus, Deucalion, Eros, Phaethon)

Pluto (King of Cups)-  Talk about a guy that is viewed as a bad guy but is really just trying to help…  Fuck, all of this pressure to confront ourselves and confront those around us may seem like it is making things worse, but it is actually peeling off the ugly top layers and giving us a juicy center.  Pluto is attempting to expose – pull off the emotional layers even further – and he asks you to keep your cool and trust him.  Uh, are we going to trust this guy?  Pluto?  Of all the planets?  Why yes.  Pluto wants to give us redemption.  He is our “hero’s journey,” and without his trails we wouldn’t be refined enough to step into our path.  We would literally be crushed by the weight of what we are suppose to be if we do not go through the trails of stripping ourselves of what we are not.  So yes, keep it together, says Pluto, keep the storm of emotions under check because this purging by fire is necessary right now.  He wants us to inspect our shitty views on essentially everything, so there will be plenty of situations that will come your way that will give you the opportunity to do this.  It will be up to you if you retreat back to habits and empty idealism, or if you actually see why you are making the particular stand you are making.  Fuck, this is good, we can’t educate ourselves enough on the stances we take.  Even though things may turn into a post modern soup because of this, trust in the process.  Trust in each other as well.  We are all going through this though some of us are far more vocal about it than others.

  FULL MOON LEO CHART

Lunar Eclipse in Leo- Libertine was originally published on Heretical Oracles