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atinystraynstay · 4 months

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I'd Wait For You - Joshua Hong

Synopsis: Joshua was your best friend, the person who has witnessed you grow and blossom. That includes being front row to watching you fall in and out of love with people. Joshua was convinced he could treat you better. Could you find yourself to let him in?

Pairing: non-idol! Joshua Hong x fem reader

Genre: Angst, childhood friends to lovers, fluff here and there!

Word Count: 2.3k

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When Joshua thought of the person he was, it was because of you. You were the one who helped him pick out clothes so he found his style, you were the one who boosted his confidence he he doubted himself and pushed him to try new things, and you were the one who helped him made bad decisions sometimes in the hopes of making long-lasting memories. You were his person.

It was written by the universe that the two of you would be best friends. With your mothers being so close, there is no denying that you two will always have an important place in each other's lives.

Ever since you were younger, you two didn't go somewhere without the other. You attended the same schools, even the same college. Sure, college led you two to different friend groups, different activities, and different majors. But you always made time for each other even when life got busy. You two would study constantly and promised to have one meal together once a week. And you two never broke that promise.

Anyone who witnessed your friendship always commented there was something more. Joshua saw it too. He easily fell for you. How couldn't he? You accepted every version of himself and were the person who brought him an immense source of comfort. He couldn't imagine life without you.

Unfortunately, he had to imagine what it would be like to be with you.

"Do you think he's worth it?" You sighed.

The two of you were on FaceTime. It was a Tuesday night. While Joshua was at home, waiting for his food delivery, you were busy getting ready for a date.

Part of the reason why Joshua had to imagine what life would be like if you two were together is because you were seeing someone. For the past few months, you've been dating this guy named Ben. Now, Joshua didn't think much of Ben at first. He didn't seem like your type, so he thought he would come and go.

And he has to some extent. Ben and you had this awful habit of breaking up and getting back together. While it pained Joshua to see you with someone else, he loved the moments you confided him about your dating woes. He took mental notes of dos and donts for when you two (hopefully) get together. Ben was striking out left and right, mainly due to his poor communication. What Joshua didn't understand was why you always found yourself going back to him.

"Y/n, I don't know. You guys break up so much, I've lost count," he laughed. "It's only been 3 times," you groaned. "3 times what? This week?" "But he said he's changed this time. I mean, he even sent flowers to my apartment after our argument two nights again. That's got to mean something, right?" Joshua wanted to roll his eyes so much at your rationale. He adored you with every fiber in his being, and he didn't want to come across as dismissive, but he felt frustrated both because of you and for you. Ben was not worth it in his eyes. Nobody is worth it for you except for him. But he was your best friend. That was his role. "Maybe, angel. But there's only so much flowers can do to make up for how he treats you sometimes." Your smile had flattened by Joshua's words. And it pained him. He never wanted to be a source of sadness in your life. I guess that's why Joshua often pushed his feelings for you aside. He didn't want to be selfish and confess because that might cause a bigger mess. He loved you. He has since he was 8 years old. If you only saw him as a best friend, he would proudly take that role.

In a perfect world, you would confess to Joshua your feelings. He was ready to embrace those feelings head-on because he knew how he felt about you. What kept him back was not knowing how you felt towards him. You've always been so prominent in each other's lives. He didn't want to imagine a world without you. He was terrified that if he did ever confess, it would only push you away.

Joshua had found himself as the leading man in a tragic love story. "Just promise me something?" He requested. "Whatever you decide, follow your heart."

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You had to hang up the phone call in order to get ready for your date. Joshua sighed once you face vanished from his phone. He set the phone on the coffee table before driving his fingers through his hair.

How could this happen? You were supposed to be with him, not with some random guy you met who knows where? Not with someone who doesn't see your value.

The whole situation frustrated him beyond belief. On paper, you guys were a perfect match. You two knew each other like the back of your hand. Even when you did have a disagreement, you guys would not allow it to blow up. You spoke to each other with respect, even if you were both angry because you cared about each other. In some ways, you could say you loved each other. Joshua definitely was in love with you.

He has received relentless teasing from his friends about his lack of making a move on you. His friends thought even pushing might cause him to crack. And it almost did. Yet, he was still afraid of losing you and now he might actually be.

You always saw him as a friend, or at least that's what Joshua believed. You two were best friends, nothing more and nothing less. This wasn't some love story where the childhood best friends fall for each other, no matter how many times he prayed it would happen. This was his reality. If he had to let you go to keep you in his life, he would. And he would be there to pick up the pieces each time.

Suddenly, a buzz brought Joshua out of his mind and back to the present moment. He sat up a little straighter, looking towards the door of his apartment. Did he hear that correctly? He glanced towards the clock on the wall. 8:16pm.

Ding dong. Who could that be?

Joshua pushed himself off of the couch before shuffling towards the door. It was just a short walk towards the front of the apartment. He slowly unlocked the top lock and twisted the doorknob to unlock his front door.

There you were.

"Y/n?! What happened?" "Why didn't you fight for me?"

Your voice was calm, yet your body language screamed rage. You had your hair pulled back in a clip, exposing your bare face to the world. You looked divine, but Joshua didn't have time to compliment you. He noticed how your eyebrows were slightly scrunched up while you stared into him. He thought your gaze was going to burn a hole right through them. You were wearing a zip-up hoodie and sweatpants.

"Answer me, Joshua."

Oh no, I'm in deep shit. He was at a loss for words as he stared at you. His mind racking through all the interactions you had. Did he say something over FaceTime? Did he forget to say something? Did you ask him to do something but he forgot? He was drawing a blank.

"Do you like me yes or no, Joshua? Because everyone is saying you do besides you."

His eyes grew wide at that statement. Who spilled? "Y/n, listen-" "No, Joshua, you listen. How dare you let me go on dates with people who treat me poorly. You're my best friend! We're supposed to tell each other everything." That part you whispered. "How could you not tell me?"

"What a damn minute," Joshua finally said. He had a raised eyebrow before opening the door all the way. He stepped aside to let you in, motioning for you to follow him. "I am not going to argue with you outside of my apartment. Get in." You sighed and nodded, slowly stepping in. Obviously something happened in between from the moment you guys to now. Who did you speak to? Who told you his secret? Why were you angry?

Once you were fully into his apartment, Joshua closed the door. You immediately found a spot on his couch, right beside where he was previously sitting. Your hands were locked in front of you, your one leg bouncing. Your breathing was starting to slow down a bit but you gaze was still locked on him. While not as intense, you still had your eyes trained on him.

"Can I get you a water or something before we continue this conversation?" He asked gently.

"There you go again!" You groaned. Your head leaned until it hit the pillow behind you. Your gaze is now trained on the ceiling above you two. He was surprised, completely speechless as he thought he was doing the right thing. "I'm so sick of you being nice to me."

Joshua raised an eyebrow before shuffling over to you. He took a seat on the couch beside you but kept enough distance. He wasn't sure how to process all that was transpiring, but he needed to understand where you were coming from. And apparently have some explaining to you.

"Y/n, sweet girl, you need to tell me what's going on." "You is what is going on," you confessed.

Slowly, you sat up until you were at eye level with him once again. The room was tense. He was nervous, afraid that what you had been told was going to bring his worst fear to reality - that he might lose you. "Joshua, you've set too high of a standard for me. You're kind without asking for anything in return. You treat me like a fucking princess when I'm only your best friend. I'm angry that we aren't together but you treat me better than any guy I've been with."

Was this actually happening? Were you confessing to him? "Y/n, do you like me?" 'I have liked you since I knew what it meant to have a crush on someone," you admitted. "But."

Not the cursed 'but.' "We're best friends. I didn't eat to be presumptuous and think you like me when we've been friends for so long. But then Seungkwan told me that you had feelings for me yesterday. I didn't think it was true especially not when you pushed me to go out with someone else tonight."

Fuck. "Y/n, look, we are best friends," Joshua began. You looked at him as if you just stabbed him in the heart. "But, I fell in love with my best friend."

Very gently, he took both of your hands in his. You stared up at him with a facial expression he couldn't recognize. This was new for both of you. You were venturing into uncharted territory for the two of you. His thumbs caressed over your knuckles which both soothed your nerves but caused your heart to pound faster. "This was not the way I planned on telling you," he confessed. "I actually wanted to tell you once you were single again because I didn't want to stand in the way of being happy." This time, you reached out to him. Keeping one hand in his, your other hand reached over to run your fingers through his hair, pushing the strands back to expose his face more. You seemed to relax under your touch which made you smile for the first time that evening. "Josh, I'm my happiest when I'm with you. Have I not made that clear in all the years we've known each other?" "Y/n, you know I have too much respect for you and too much invested in this friendship to just assume someone like you could ever be into me." You squeezed his hand gently, unable to stifle the giggle leaving your lips. You moved closer to him, our lips almost right under his. "This is so silly. What are we doing? Why are we keeping ourselves from being our happiest versions of ourselves?" He smirked at your question. With his free hand, he cupped your cheek gently. His thumb caressed over your cheek affectionately as he gazed into your eyes. He always has been mesmerized by the fact that your eyes captured any light in the room. They sparkled like two disco balls. "Let's change that," he murmured.

Time stopped. He leaned in so his lips grazed against yours as if he was testing the waters. He wanted to make sure you were comfortable with what was about to happen, as there was no turning back. When you didn't pull away, he got the green light he's been chasing after. His lips fully pressed against yours.

Your head gently tilted up, leaning to the side so your lips fit against him like two missing puzzle pieces. It felt like tiny sparks were going off against your lips. It was a feeling the two of you would soon be addicted to. And it felt so comfortable, so natural. His lips slowly chased after yours for a moment.

Even though he felt the urge to continue kissing you, to never let this moment pass, he did pull back. His forehead found yours, revealing the wide grin the two of you wore. He couldn't help but chuckle before pecking your lips once more. Joshua was just over the moon. He was eager for whatever may be next for the two of you, especially now that there were no limitations. You were his best friend, but now the girl who knew how he felt.

"I kept my promise you know," you spoke softly.

Joshua raised an eyebrow but kept a warm smile. Now what were you talking about? "You had me promise to follow my heart. And I did. You've been my heart, my love all this time."

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kitkatscabinet · 1 year

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I NEED more of the aegon x older sister AU!

Like what if Otto tried to send reader on a betrothal tour like Rhaenyra did? Or what if at a Tourney another knight asked for readers favor? Otto would be doing everything he possibly can to contain Aegon lol

Would Aegon still become the type of person he was in the show/books? Or would he try and become the best version of himself to impress reader?

What if, to try and separate Aegon and reader, Viserys sent reader to live with Daemon in Essos? Or sent to ward somewhere else? I bet once Aemond had Vhagar Otto would try to use him to keep Aegon from flying to reader.

This somehow took a wholesome turn???

The beautiful unwed Targaryen princess??? you best believe noblemen and knights alike are lining up and down the block just to get a glimpse. Yours is always the first favour to be asked for. I'd imagine there would be people willing to move down in the lists for the opportunity to get to you first.

Aegon goes fucking feral every single time and it's getting harder and harder to keep him on a leash. He is practically sitting on top of you at this point. No matter how hard Otto or Viserys try Aegon will never accept any seat other than the one next to yours. Fingers entwined with yours, head resting on your shoulder- breathing in the oils you'd been bathed in.

He has no shame, the moment you sit back down after offering a favour or even speaking to another man he's either pulling you back down into his lap, or leaning in to place kisses against your face, neck, hands anything he can reach. All the while glaring murder at whoever had the audacity to even look at you.

Gods forbid Otto ships you off to be a ward somewhere or even worse on a tour like Rhaenyra's. He's been plied up with wine so he doesn't notice your departure until you have long since been shipped off.

It's a miracle that King's Landing doesn't burn that day.

Aegon's screams echo through the keep and anything that he can get his hands on is destroyed. rip Otto's belongings.

In the dragon pit Sunfyre is having his own fit. He eats three people and burns a lot more and for once your dragon isn't interested in stopping him.

The second he figures out where you are he is making a break for the dragon pit and it takes a surprising amount of the King's guard to prevent it. He has to be locked in his own chambers which amounts to days of screaming and a completely trashed room.

Luckily Aemond is all too happy to offer his assistance. He’s grown up seeing how you are with Aegon and even to a lesser extent him and Helaena and he thinks it normal. So he’s also quite upset big sis got sent away.

The arrival of Vhagar at whatever poor Lord's keep you've found yourself in is enough to deter many of the more cowardly lords. Aemond is also smart enough to play up his time with you and is content to sit in your lap like a baby instead of the 13-year-old he is.

Being the dutiful princess you are, you finish the tour. Though it quickly becomes more of a strained formality as Aemond has become your personal glaring necklace and Vhagar looms threateningly.

As for the kind of person Aegon is. You would never allow your beloved baby brother to fall into the pit he has in the show. You keep him away from wine and ale, he is not even allowed to drink a few glasses until he is past 16.

He has no desire to indulge in whores, that just means more time spent away from you after all. But I do imagine him getting frustrated/wanting to know how to bets please you and as such will pay a few visits to the streets of silk. He'll never finish inside any of them though. You are the only person that will ever bear his children.

With your constant stream of adoration and reassurance he is nowhere near as bad mentally as he is in the books/show.

You are just as scary as Aegon and the first time you catch Alicent yelling or laying hands on him he is still young and after you threaten grievous harm to her person she will never do such again.

You also aren't above whispering into your father's ears. Turning him and your younger siblings against Alicent and Otto. It takes you a while but you get Otto sacked and by some miracle you get Corlys to replace him.

Your close relationship with your younger siblings has given Rhaenyra a lot of forced exposure to them too. And though she is concerned about Aegon's possessiveness she understands how he feels.

She comes to adore Helaena and Jace being the sweet boy he is does too. so that's two pairs of children enamoured with each other and I think this is when Alicent starts to break free from Otto's brainwashing.

Everyone always hcs Aemond and Daemon as becoming close in these kinds of aus but I'm gonna say it. Aemond and Rhaenyra are a top tier pair. He loves his mother, but her love has still always been somewhat conditional and now he has this mother figure that simply loves him for being him and he can't get enough of it.

Rhaenyra and Alicent reconnect thanks to your machinations and now Aemond's like sweet, two mums!

But now there's just this whole clan of overly freakish possessive Targaryen's that you have accidentally allowed to reign free. Daemon comes back and is pissed, this is kind of all he's ever wanted and his family has just done it without him???

don't usually tag on these kinds of posts but cause this is so long:

@etherily @psychwardsiren @mihrimahsultan03 @bbyaemond @krispold @hyperfixated-freak @eudximoniakr @deadstarkblacksoul @thelittleswanao3

#aegon x older sister #aegon targaryen ii x reader #house of the dragon x reader #hotd #aegon targaryen ii #aegon targaryen ii hcs

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decolonize-the-left · 1 month

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I just think you're weird for suggesting ai should be an alternative to anything when y'all can't even treat Humans correctly. Like did y'all forget?

The only reason ai exists is so they don't have to pay a fucking human for the same job.

"yeah but I'm embarrassed when I rp"

You should be! It's fucking embarrassing! So what???!

"I can't make art tho"

Then don't!!!

I'm 10000000% convinced that it's privilege that makes people believe that just because you Want something then you should be able to do it or have access to it even when you have No meaningful way of accessing it yourself.

Like when people get pets when they literally aren't even home enough to take care of it so they use those dystopian ass software to train their dogs when they aren't even home. You know the ones that even spit a treat out at them?

Like???? That dog deserves a real fucking person to take care of it and to Spend the Time training it. What the fuck is the point of having a dog if your TV is the one doing bonding activities with it?

It's just for you. The dog's needs are secondary to what you wanted because those needs were inconvenient for you.

AI is no different and the arguments y'all have for it are largely fucking gross.

"I'm too anxious to interact with real people and I'd inconvenience them or something so I'll just use this ai"

Cool so now we're opening up a gate to push care for disabled and mentally ill people off on AI? Cuz you know who Else is seen as too inconvenient to be worth someone else's time?

What the fuck?

And y'all are enabling that "well it's true they would be a bad rp partner."

ITS RP NOT SURGERY WTF ARE YOU EVEN SAYING RN???

Maybe learn some fucking patience? The fuck you mean you'd rather someone talked to fucking AI???

We as a society have FUCKED UP when people are suggesting and enabling AI should deal with people nobody else wants to.

Why doesn't anyone else want to?

Can AI tell you that? Can AI fix that??

The worst part is that AI should be cool. It should be an amazing fucking step forward and instead it's racist and half of y'all act like it's a crutch for having no fucking interpersonal relationships/skills and it's NOT.

I say this as someone who is in fact physically disabled and mentally ill as fuck, okay? I'm not super young either. Like I am, and will continue, to lose my ability to do things and never in a fucking million years will AI be a stand in for a Real Person's talent or skill or help.

Society can't handle taking 30 seconds to put on a mask before they walk out the door and you DONT want me to be upset about all the "helpful" things AI can do?

We wouldn't even need AI if people could afford to go to school or had time to learn to paint or could afford the supplies or had the healthcare to go to therapy or had more people In school to Be therapists or had access to a writing class or-

Hayao Miyazaki was fucking right and more people should be saying it.

“I would never wish to incorporate this technology into my work at all. I strongly feel that this is an insult to life itself.”

AI exists because capitalism's very nature is to exploit humans to our fullest extent. Now capitalism doesn't even fucking need humans to create products. We are the product they use to train our replacements.

And this is.....okay with y'all?

#is it me??? am i the crazy one??? like what the FUCK is going on???#i am so unhinged about this. like theres a lot of stuff i care about but AI???? AI will be who i find in hell #ai #rant #vent

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tendergraphite · 8 months

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Camilla & Henry: A Relationship Analysis

I've witnessed many TSH posts about the characters that aren't based on their actions at all, but their perceived beauty.

Take Camilla, instead of being seen as boyish/gender ambiguous (To the extent Richard used her as Charles stand in) And as cold-hearted enough to match Henry's bitterness—She is viewed as a darling graceful soul; A damsel in distress even.

We hardly understand Camilla because Richard didn't—We know so little, that there's much room for imagination. All the characters worp her identity, their notions about girls being innocent (Translated Meaning: incompetent) A mask for the sour milk on her breath.

However bits of the truth have always sneaked by—Peace's Richard didn't see as damning written in without him realizing the meaning behind the actions. That's why I've always been of the belief the characters true intents can be understood, even if that's not the point of the story.

Title: Satan Meets An Angels Corpse

Richard assumed it was difficult for Camilla to be the only female scholar in a group of men: But it was quite the contrary.

Camilla held similar beliefs as the Greeks, having a superiority complex I'd argue was the reason for her disliking of women—She's actively pointed out as having brawled with the only other two women in the book: If many of us really met Camilla, she'd harner an instant disdain for us—You'd have better luck getting Bunny to genuinely like you.

I believe she's been used as a self insert by the fandom—which is why she in particular is so wrongly understood—And why many are so eager for her romantic relationship with Henry to be canon. I've always hated that, as I believe that's really what's been stopping many from seeing what was really going on with Henry.

Oh yes, Henry Winter, whose largely over glorified for the surface level psychopathy and bone chilling murdering of his best friend. What I like to call one of the ''True'' plotlines in The Secret History is Henry's mental decline. Now, I've been building up this theory for awhile. so to fully understand you'll need to read the following posts about Henry 1) Not being in a car accident, and is in fact a victim of abuse 2) Why he chose to kill himself, and why the decision had been inevitable.

If you don't read the above, do not come into my comment section asking for explanations.

With the context set, what was their relationship?

Firstly, the two are a similar flavor of chaotic—The two saw Bunny's shenanigans and both went ''I mean, why don't we just kill him then?'' They are the equivalent of two high school girls besties, who have a secret ring code just so they can gossip about the latest sauce.

The two are very vulnerable people: Henry, who for the first time in his life was away from his abusive home—With no real social skills or awareness for the new world—Who probably only had his Mother prior; And Camilla who lost both her parents, and whose only real reliable company was her brother: They needed someone outside of their immediate circle, so become dependant on one another.

I feel the fandom forgets this, but Camilla held the exact same spiritual beliefs as Henry. Both of them navigated the world differently because of these beliefs, and would've bonded over their mutual understanding. So, do I think the two slept with one another? During the attempted/actual bacchanal sure, but past that? No, as that's not what their relationship was based upon.

Now the elephant in the room room. What was happening with the erm, love triangle? There wasn't one. Camilla distanced herself because Charles was changing in ways she couldn't support and was hurting her. She couldn't help him so helped herself as she should've, and ended up trusting who she saw to be her only good friend.

Henry's reaction to "Isn't that what you do to my sister every night?" Was largely caused by him actively self-sabotaging and not caring at that point. He knew Charles wanted a reaction, so didn't give it to him; He was playing a game he knew would end with him losing and did not care.

Along with the fact Henry was entirely under the impression Camilla was being physically abused. As someone who had been abused himself, of course he stepped in and whisked Camilla of to a hotel where he felt confident no one could simply trespass and attack her. This wasn't some possessive romantic get-away, he was worried.

As for why the two are so comfortable within their interactions with one another: Physical affection is comforting, it isn't just about romance for a lot of people it's about feeling safe. Why wouldn't they do these small gestures? They were comfortable with each other because they were friends.

Henry's support network had consisted of 1) Bunny, who was his best-friend and I'd argue to be brother figure; him being the only one to be able to get him to laugh, and come out of his shell. 2) Julian, who acted as a role model and parental support; he was the one to bring purpose to Henry's life and needed validation for his deep seeded insecurities—And Henry's last line of defence, 3) Camilla.

Henry lasted so long because of her nearing the end, but the flaw in their friendship was that Camilla couldn't empathise with him. She cares about those around her, really she does, but those people are a limited number and like Henry she is capable of feeling no remorse for manipulating the people she cares about.

She found Henry's display of misery embarrassing. Where Julian would have comforted him (In his own fucked-up egocentric way) And resolved Henry's feelings of worthlessness—Camilla couldn't. Even Bunny would've shown some form of affection—But Camilla's and Henry's relationship wasn't built on that, that's not why the two were friends.

A special thanks to bandaiddd for the following question: ''1) the relationship is shown through Richard’s eyes, do you believe/how do you think Henry manipulated his vision of their relationship within Richard’s narrative? 2) what do you think he whispered to her?''

To begin, he would've shaped the narrative to fit Camilla and Henry being romantically involved for a couple of reasons. The book is written after his last interaction with Camilla and her rejection, so it better suits him to believe Henry was the reason to her not accepting his marriage proposal (She just wasn't interested, and felt incredibly awkward.) Another way he shifted the narrative was just the fact Richard loves intrigue. Henry being a jealous lover and not a worried friend was simply more interesting—Along with making more sense to him.

With the second question... You just had to break my heart and make me genuinely answer this.

A tender kiss is often a mournful goodbye in tales—But a forehead kiss specifically represents friendship... And an apology. It's a much more respectful way to show adoration, more supple than a kiss on the lips. Before Henry kissed Camilla, he had already made up his mind—It's why what he had whispered was ''I love you.'' Prior to another kiss, and another ''I love you.'' Before he pulled back.

#the secret history #henry winter #charles macaulay #camilla macaulay #dark academia

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copperbadge · 4 months

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Supposedly, people with Anphantasia don't get scared reading scary stories, or at least not much. Is that true with you if you ever read Horror?

You know, I'd never thought about it, but I suppose it is. To an extent, anyway.

Follows a discussion of my relationship to horror prose and media; if you don't know what aphantasia is, as many people coming to this tumblr don't, I have a tag for it here that may help -- it's basically the lack of a "mind's eye", a visual imagination, so I hear/read things and don't see an image of them in my mind. If you are scoffing right now that nobody actually has a mind's eye, congratulations, you may also have aphantasia. The articles linked in the tag will be useful to you.

I have definitely been scared by prose before but it's very rare, and not much since I was a child, when the stories I found scary were preying on fears I already had. I loved the Scary Stories To Tell In The Dark books, and I think it's not unusual that I found the illustrations more frightening than the prose, but the only story that ever scared me was the one about the vampire who kept trying to grab a kid through a window -- because I had a window over my bed in my childhood bedroom and I was terrified I'd look up to see someone looking down at me through it. Likewise, as an adult, the only content in horror I find scary is what I think of as "mind horror" -- the loss of faculty or the loss of awareness of faculty (think the end scene of the novel Hannibal with the brain). Which is one of my biggest fears.

I don't read much horror because generally I get bored, which has in the past made me feel faintly appalled at myself, but which now makes more sense. Certainly I have no interest in slasher-style gore in prose, because I find it uninteresting and it goes on a really long time, while I don't watch it in movies/TV because the visual is upsetting -- so if I was getting the visual from the prose I might react more emotionally. I am a fan of Stephen King but mostly his early work where he was shorter on suspense, and I was reading it because I liked the ideas and the characters. Carrie is super interesting because of the personalities involved, not because of the violence or the horror aspects. But I've never seen a movie adaptation and I can imagine I would be deeply unsettled if not distraught by certain scenes if depicted visually. Although I didn't find the Hannibal TV series super upsetting (I mostly was put off by how bad I imagined Will smelled) so perhaps body horror just doesn't do it for me.

This may also explain my hard-no on zombie media, because I'm not scared at all of zombies, I just find them boring and gross, and that leaves the post-apocalyptic humans. My hard-no on post-apocalypse anything is an aversion to imagining the end of my world, though, which isn't visual, it's conceptual, and not scary, just upsetting.

Like, people kept suggesting Zombies Run! to me when I was taking up running and -- well, one, I needed the music to keep my pace, I didn't want it interrupted. But two, I didn't see why a bunch of random groaning noises would make me run faster. If you could see zombies chasing you in your head, yeah, that'd probably be more motivating.

It kind of explains too why I haven't written much horror. I used to be very curious about how people worked out what's "scary" in horror prose and I guess part of the curiosity came from not experiencing it myself. It's tough to know how to write a scary story when stories don't scare you.

To be clear, I definitely experience fear. Reading Stephen King's "It" didn't really scare me, but there were scary moments in the film adaptations. I startle at jumpscares. There's plenty of stuff in real life that I'm scared of. And even podcasts -- I don't get mental images during podcasts like apparently most people do, but Magnus Archives got me with the "digging into your pre-existing fears" thing once or twice, and while I didn't finish The Left Right Game (I just got bored) the hitchhiker scene definitely got me. But I think, unless it's playing on something conceptual that already existed, yeah, I don't find prose particularly frightening.

Huh. This feels like the kind of thing that could have a significant impact on my creative output if I could crowbar my way into it. Knowing that I as an aphantic don't need descriptions that other people do has already, I think, impacted my editing process, but this feels like it maybe would somehow have an effect on the whole thing -- the fact that I don't experience emotions when reading in the same way other people do because I don't get the visuals is something to meditate on.

How the fuck did I ever even become a writer. Like what's up with that.

(Ironically it was X-Files fanfic. X-Files, a show that very much did scare me, for which I wrote and read a lot of fanfic, none of which did...yikes. Well, that's something to meditate on for the weekend.)

#sam has adhd #an aphantasia fantasia

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fairuzfan · 2 months

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It's the zionist concern anon again. I will say for now that with what you said about prioritizing Palestinians I do agree. The people going through a genocide are a bigger priority than people who are not going through a genocide. I just fear that due to the fact I am neither Palestinian or Jewish that I may end up embracing stances that I do not actually understand and that innocent people may suffer because of it. I do not want to be irresponsible. I am also someone who lives in a country built on stolen land, so that does to some sort of extent influence my feelings on Isreal as I imagine many people in Isreal share my thoughts on the fact we have lived our entire lives on stolen land. As I said before, I also do not know any Palestinians personally so I find it hard to know who I can ask about the history, Hamas, technical details of politics, etc without risking being taught the wrong things. On a much more selfish note, I also struggle with debilitating mental health issues that make it very difficult to navigate moral issues especially if the moral issues do not impact me on a personal level. So if I am being honest, my questions are not entirely selfless as I have very self-centered fears on if I am actually a horrible person. I thank you again for being so understanding, but I figure the right thing to do here is admit I am likely not as pure intentioned in my questions as I should be when a large factor to why I worked up the courage to ask is in hope I am worrying too much about my quality of moral character from a selfish perspective. Again, I thank you for being so understanding and willing to answer these asks instead of just brushing me off as a horrible zionist.

I don't think you're a horrible person at all I just think everyone has underlying zionist biases because it's a product of the society we live in.

And I do understand where you're coming from, honestly. Something that always helps me is remembering something that my parents taught me as a kid: always stand on the side of the oppressed. Now as I grew up I realized you have to define what oppression means and I think exploring that will also help you get a better understanding of how to combat other forms of racism/antisemitism/transphobia/etc.

If you do want to learn about hamas tho, I would suggest taking a look at Tareq Baconi, he has a lot of writings about the history of Hamas and he's Palestinian. There are also Palestinian podcasts and social media accounts. I understand that not knowing a palestinian personally to help you guide yourself through these things is daunting, but there are plenty of resources to help! It's why I'm here on this blog honestly, I don't mind you reaching out to me for questions or anything.

A good principle to remind ourselves with is "how can I ensure that justice can be had?" And to find the answer to that you need to look into multiple types of antizionist thought. Some blogs I like to check out for a diverse antizionist opinion are @el-shab-hussein and @bringmemyrocks as a couple of examples. Plus I'd look to Black American thinkers on antiracism (like Angela Davis and James Baldwin and Kwame Ture) because they do a good job of showing you how to examine your internal biases which we are all subject to.

I don't think this selfish to want to be a good person. I have the same worries. I actually do get worried that sometimes I'm *actually* a bad person secretly without me realizing and I reach out to friends and family to talk it out. Something that helps me through this is realizing that you have to forgive yourself for previous beliefs you've had and promise yourself to do better because at the end of the day youre human and you make mistakes.

But really my biggest advice is to read and listen to a variety of schools of thought and if you can, interact with local communities dedicated to antiracism. Even if theyre digital communities! That will help a lot with identifying any problem points.

Again, feel free to reach out with any questions. I don't think you're a zionist at all! Please don't worry and thanks for reaching out :)

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myesmi · 1 year

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hi hi! i saw that you were taking requests, and i'd love to hear your personal headcanons about thomas hewitt (and maybe jason voorhees?)!

have a nice day!

THOMAS HEWITT GENERAL HEADCANONS. 𓂅 ˖ ࣪

cw. my personal general headcanons, mentions of insecurity and mental illness, bones / bone collecting, etcetera

note. ahh tysm for the request!! <3 i’m so glad you’d like to hear my personal hcs for ol’ thomas! i hope you enjoy my thoughts, it’s a little all over the place, so apologies! and speaking for jason voorhees, i’ll do another post at a later time for general hcs! comments and reblogs always appreciated! <3

requests are open. masterlist.

thomas is not shy, he’s reserved. he keeps to himself not because he’s particularly shy or afraid, but because he was conditioned to think, ‘ why would anybody be interested? ’

he spent his entire life being aggressively put down by the town he grew up in, as well as his family. charlie, hoyt, while he would defend thomas when needed ( as hewitts stick together ), was not one for kind words. and uncle monty was quiet and not particularly the supportive kind.

so, thomas really only had luda mae to depend on for emotional support. she was the matriarch, and the one whom he cares for the deepest. you mess with luda? you’re messing with him.

in general, thomas is naturally a protective man, if not also an envious man. of course he wants his family to be safe and sound, he was simply surrounded by the fact damn near his entire life. protect your family.

and yet thomas is a deeply jealous, deeply insecure man. his intimidating size is already enough to make him wish he was smaller, however growing up deformed? poor? and he never really did too amazing in school either.

i feel like at some point, thomas came to terms with his physical situation. he had to. there was nothing he could to do change his physical self, so he had to learn how to deal with it. that doesn’t mean he’s any less frightfully insecure, however.

which leads me to believe that he’s quick to annoyance / anger. he is a patient man to an extent when it comes to work and chores, and especially towards his family. but with victims? outsiders? he is extremely quick to anger, or even violence. it comes from a deeply rooted place of discomfort.

thomas only trusts his family. they know what’s best for the hewitt household.

speaking of, while thomas is much larger, and much stronger than everyone in his little family unit, he remains firmly underneath them and their words. he is still their little boy that they took in. hoyt basically runs the household, especially by the point in the movies, he’s taken over as leader.

it doesn’t feel right saying that thomas is afraid of hoyt, but he most certainly does not want to go against him, or make him angry. hoyt has always been an angry man, especially after returning from the war. ( however, it wouldn’t be impossible for thomas to stand up to hoyt, especially if it were for thomas’s s/o. however that could be explained further if anyone wanted to request s/o headcanons or something… <3 )

switching gears, thomas is crafty. of course we know this, he creates his own masks. however, i feel like he just generally likes crafts. thomas is into creating, as it makes him feel… good. he’s creating, instead of destroying. positive to distract from the negative, y’know?

thomas is also a huge workaholic. he spends almost all of his time working around the hewitt farm, doing any type of chore and any type of work his family requests of him.

and however, despite being a workaholic who often strays far into the night, thomas is an early bird. the quiet moments in the mornings are his favorites. no one knows it, but he often wakes up before the crack of dawn to watch the sunrise, sneaking his way through the house to watch through the kitchen window above the sink.

and as for hobbies, bone collecting. of course this one was coming. i feel like thomas, being crafty and spending a lot of his time on the farm doing various tasks, comes across some old animal carcasses time to time. little bones left behind by natural scavengers. so? he collects them. has been since he was a young boy ( which in turn made him an even bigger outcast… ). he has many an old, dusty jar full of various bones from animals such as rabbits, field mice, deer, etcetera. he even was able to collect a few skulls.

also? pressed flowers. thomas would never reveal this to any of his family members, especially hoyt, but when he comes across a wild flower in the field? little clumps of ditzy white flowers growing along the roadside? he’ll carefully pick them, place them in his pocket, and at the end of the day, press them into a little battered, empty journal he found. it’s rather beautiful, his own pretty little slice of the world to admire.

i also think thomas collects whatever little nicknacks he comes across. little old, cracked glass figurines, old metal pieces, discarded cds, interesting little coins, etcetera. he keeps them in a box, hidden in his basement work station most likely, alongside his hidden journal filled with pressed flowers.

#myesmi writes !!#horror #horror slasher #slashers #slashers x reader #leatherface #thomas hewitt #leatherface x reader #thomas hewitt x reader #thomas hewitt x you #thomas hewitt headcanons #texas chainsaw the beginning #texas chainsaw massacre

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strlingsav · 6 months

Text

Drive: Seven

– Simon "Ghost" Riley x F!Reader

Explicit content under the cut. Read at your own risk.

Johnny called you out of the blue, wanting to meet up following your leave. Up to that point, you weren't sure how Johnny felt about you- you had an inkling he'd known all along about your secret affair with Simon, though not to what extent. The phone call didn't allow for much insight, either, a quick conversation that did nothing to settle your nerves. Surely, he'd be curious; if not pissed off.

You were a bit hesitant to blindly agree to meeting him, and when he mentioned Kyle, your blood ran cold wondering if Simon or John were sitting with them.

You finally agreed, after reassurance that neither men were there. He purposely emphasized that Simon was on base for the evening and had declined his invite. The thought made you cringe- you worried you'd isolated him from his friends, his teammates, and it was your fault he was hiding away and not out drinking.

You managed to peel yourself from the confines of your bed; pulling on causal clothes, running your fingers through your hair and washing your face. Your mental health had certainly suffered the last few months; your motivation to take care of yourself had been hindered by self-deprecating thoughts.

You managed to apply a bit of makeup and pull your hair into a suitable condition. Though it wasn't your usual standard, Johnny and Kyle wouldn't notice a difference- and you didn't care.

The two men were at opposite sides of the table when you arrived, Johnny's arm resting on the seat while he nodded along to something Kyle was saying. They greeted you, quick hugs and hellos offered before you sat down beside Kyle.

"You been alright?" Johnny asked, his hand wrapped around his beer.

You could tell he practically spat the question out, like it was trapped in his throat, waiting to burst out. His face showed no expression- not empathy or anger, and you knew you needed to proceed with a cautious response.

The noise of the bar drowned out any worries you had of awkward silences or pauses while you tried to come up with a story better than the truth.

"Yeah," You nodded, cracking a small smile. "Aside from being discharged and publicly humiliated."

"Donnae think too hard on it. Nobody blames you- shoulda been Ghost gettin' tossed; Price kisses his fuckin' arse."

"It's not his fault," You shook your head. "I also should've known better."

"He was your superior officer," Kyle added. "It was his responsibility." You winced at the word 'was'- another reminder of the loss you'd suffered.

"But we both wanted this- it," You corrected yourself. It was silent for a few moments, before you spoke up again. "Let's just move on," You smiled awkwardly.

"Aye," Johnny nodded. "You heard from him?"

"Thought we were moving on?" You raised a brow.

"Too good not to share details," Johnny grinned.

"I did, and then I ended it- I guess."

"Ended it?" Johnny asked. "Ghost's been chattin' my fuckin' ear off about you. You sure that's what you want?"

"You're not my therapist, Johnny," You rolled your eyes, a grin on your lips.

"No- but the lad's desperate for you, tell you that much."

"It's not feasible," You shrugged. "Not when we don't work together. I can't put that on him."

"Anythin's possible," Kyle entered. "Even if it's just to shut him up," He laughed, watching Johnny.

"I can't," You interjected. "I got ahead of myself with the feelings part- I know that. I just think I felt more for him than I thought I did."

"No shame in it," Johnny shook his head. "If it makes you feel any better, I'd never seen that big bastard happier. Y'should tell him."

You tilted your head, sighing softly. "It doesn't- and I won't, but thanks." You grinned.

"So what now?" Kyle asked, leaning in.

"Nothing. Find a job, settle down. Like a normal person."

"We'll miss havin' you around, that's for sure," Johnny nodded.

"Thanks, Johnny."

"Normal people tell other people how they're feeling," Kyle eyed you down, an eyebrow raised while he subtly scolded you. "Instead of avoiding it."

"I'm not normal just yet, Kyle. Can't you just say you'll miss me?"

"I'll miss you," He teased.

You sighed at his response. Their advice was well-intended, but a voice in your head still warned against being honest with Simon. You worried it would create expectations, standards that he couldn't uphold from across the world.

If he didn't reciprocate your feelings, the humiliation of being discharged would only be accompanied by rejection from the very reason you were let go to begin with. It made your stomach churn to imagine telling Simon- the lingering stare he'd give, the apologies and polite goodbyes. It would sting far worse than just leaving it as it was.

You must've been staring off into the distance, hardly touching your drink as Johnny and Kyle dragged you back onto shore. They offered to play a round of pool with you- take your mind off everything, but you wanted to sit and stew.

You took up a seat at the bar while they played, fingers playing with the plastic toothpick you snagged. You felt like shit. Not just because you'd lost your job, but because you'd lost Simon. You were sure he'd take you back in a heartbeat, but it didn't mean anything. Your feelings were as pointless as they'd always been. You felt absolutely ridiculous for knowing that from the very beginning, but proceeding anyway.

You wanted to be mean. You wanted to keep being unavailable and distant, until he lost interest and left you alone. It was hard- hard not to call him, hear his voice. So you promised yourself to be mean, because if you were to see him, you'd crumble, fall into the abyss where he'd been waiting for you.

Your attention was grabbed by a man sliding in next to you, getting a bit too close for comfort and leaning into your personal space. You looked up to meet his gaze, finding an unfamiliar face beside you.

Ordinarily, you'd have been flattered by his bold actions, but your mind only had enough space for one man at the moment- Simon.

"You drinking alone?" He asked, leaning over the bar.

Your expression remained flat as you nodded. "Yeah, I guess."

"Want another one?" He nodded toward the drink in your hand.

You lifted your head again, uninterested in anything but the woodgrain of the bar.

"I'm okay," You smiled politely.

"C'mon," He grinned. "I'm a stranger offering to lend an ear- nothing more."

Your patience had already begun to wear thin, especially as he kept that same grin across his face. Before you could say another word, someone else did for you.

"Fuck off, yeah mate?" Simon's voice interjected from behind you, causing your eyes to widen.

"That's- I'm sorry," You said, offering an apology to the man.

Your jaw clenched as you spun to face Simon, watching the stranger you were politely chatting with turn away with widened eyes. Your eyes met Simon's, your brows furrowing with frustration.

"That was rude," You said. "What are you doing here?"

"Weren't gonna tell me you were here?" Simon asked, his eyes surveilling the room before he leaned closer and looked at you.

"Didn't think I had to report to you anymore," You said back, watching him grimace.

"Quit the fuckin' attitude," He growled. "Didn't think I'd find out you were meetin' with Johnny and Kyle?"

"I was sure you would," You shrugged. "Just didn't think I needed permission to be here."

He leaned down and ordered a strict, 'come with me' while he herded you out the front door. His hand gripped your arm, gently guiding you forward so he could talk with you in peace and quiet.

It was damp outside, a bit of a chill while progressing into Spring. Your breath in the air appeared before you, and Simon's hand on your arm offered a comforting warmth.

He lead you to his truck, opening the door as he gestured for you to get in.

"Simon-"

"Get in the fuckin' truck."

You sighed, stepping in to sit in the warmth of his vehicle, while he rounded the front of his truck to get in the driver's seat. He put it in drive, starting toward your apartment without allowing you to get a word in.

"What's goin' on?" He asked, hand clinging to the wheel as you leaned back against the seat. "Y'can't keep avoidin' me. You just fuck me and leave?"

Your eyes dodged his, staring at the street ahead of you. You knew you'd break down- one drink in, and it had loosened you up just enough to get emotional and honest.

He huffed; drawing your name out in that low, raspy voice that tugged on your heartstrings and sent chills up your back. Your gaze met his pleading eyes, lifting your head to find the brown irises that made your knees weak.

"You didn't have to come," You said finally. "Did Johnny call you?"

"Doesn't matter who called me," Simon tilted his head. "Answer me," He said, briefly peering over at you.

"I don't know, Simon," You narrowed your eyes.

"Don't know why you're avoidin' me?"

"I don't know about anything," You laughed, exasperated and tired.

"Talk to me, sweetheart," He said, voice just above a whisper, soft and gentle- like he usually was with you.

"Don't do that," You shook your head, your eyes closing so you wouldn't have to see the look that could break you in seconds. "Don't be sweet and nice to me."

He chuckled, "Why's that?"

"I've been an asshole," You sighed, tears welling in your eyes.

"Just tell me what's goin' on, and we can fix it."

"There's no we, no us."

He quickly pulled over, finding a spot on a quiet gravel road that had trees hanging over it, and long grass in the ditch. His head turned as he gave all his attention to you.

"I beg to fuckin' differ. Don't care if you ain't answerin' my calls, you're mine, remember that?" His hand came to rest on your thigh.

"I can't-," You shook your head, squeezing your eyes shut as stray tears fell. "I can't, Simon. We can't do this."

"Why's that?"

You exhaled harshly, sniffling as a lump grew in your throat. You swallowed, finding his eyes in the darkness.

"Because I love you," You whispered. "And I can't do that while you're miles away. And I can't ask you stay." Your voice began to quiver, which was more irritating than bearing your feelings to him.

He was silent for a few moments, his eyes darting back and forth between yours. His chest was tight, your admission of your feelings made him feel warm, content.

"Y'don't have to ask," He shook his head. "'It'll always be you. I'll always love you," He said quietly. "Y'know that, right?"

Your breath caught in your chest, desperately holding onto your last shred of self-control, eyeing down his lips. Your eyes dried themselves with the help of his words, a yearning forming in your chest that begged to be satiated by him.

"I don't know-" You started, shaking your head.

"It's you," He repeated, craning his neck to meet your eye line. "It's you, love."

His voice was low, quiet and full of sincerity. It churned your stomach.

"I just want you to be sure," You nodded. "And I want you to be here. And I don't know if you can be either of those things- and I understand." Your voice wavered again, the lump in your throat returning.

"Fuckin' 'ell," He nearly grinned, letting out a short chuckle of disbelief. "I have to get you a ring to sort you out? 'M sure. Always was- am."

"Don't joke about shit like that," You sighed, looking away, attempting to fight off the vulnerability of your position, and keep him at an arm's length.

"Jokin'? It ain't far off, love. Just waitin' for the right time." His hand briefly touched your cheek.

"It doesn't change the distance," You reasoned, watching him shake his head.

"It's finished," He answered. "My work with 141- overseas- it's done. 'M here for good, sweetheart."

"Johnny didn't mention that?" You said, tilting your head.

"'Course he didn't. I asked him to let me tell you myself."

You gasped, "I knew he called you!"

He shrugged. "Johnny ain't what I was here to talk about."

"You're here? For good?" Your brows raised themselves as you interrogated him.

"Long as you'll have me."

A rush of relief, excitement flooded through you. All the walls you'd broken down to find the gooey centre of emotion within him- it was more than worth it. The fruition of a crush you'd had since the first time you saw him; it made your heart pound.

He was real, genuine, more than just the stoic lieutenant you pinned him as. And he loved you- wholly and without conditions, obviously and without shame- even when it threatened his career. It was the perfect ending to the most fucked-up fairytale you'd ever seen.

You pursed your lips, slotting yourself closer to his seat. "As long as you want to stay," You said- resolute.

"Have t'kill me to keep me away," He teased.

Your stomach flipped, a laugh exploding from you before he cut you off with a kiss, soft and apprehensive. You shivered against him, warm lips against yours awakening the nerves in your body.

Once your mind had caught up with your body, your hands grabbed at his shoulders. It made you sigh into his mouth, savouring the feeling you'd missed. You missed him, undoubtedly, and the thought of one day being more than what you were in '141' made your heart jump.

Your smile broke through the kiss, and his greedy hands were grabbing and pulling at your waist in an attempt to keep you close. You giggled while his hands worked their way down to your ass, squeezing harshly, pulling you onto his lap. You could feel his arousal through his jeans- his hard cock pressed against you.

"'Member the first time I had you like this," He whispered against your neck, his fingers working at your pants' button. "Naughty fuckin' girl you were. Still are," You could hear the grin on his face.

His hand slipped beneath your pants, running his fingers gently over your pussy. He let out a short exhale.

"Still get so fuckin' wet for me, don't you, sweetheart?"

His rhetorical question made goosebumps appear over your skin. You pulled yourself closer to his chest, ground your pussy over his hand. Your deep breaths fanned over his chest, your fingers digging into the tight T-shirt covering his skin. You wanted more- wanted to feel him again.

Your hands worked quickly to slide his shirt off, your palms running down the thick muscle of his chest, fingers tracing the divots and protrusions of his abdomen. He let out a quiet grunt, his cock twitching in his jeans at the feel of your soft hands on his body.

He grabbed your wrist, dragging your hand down to his groin, allowing you to grab a handful of his crotch- he moaned quietly when your gentle hand caressed his cock, short huffs from his nose as his fingers worked their way inside you.

"Take 'em off," He ordered, fiddling with your waistband with his other hand.

He helped you to sit forward while you slid your pants down your hips, removing your feet from the confines of your jeans before settling back on his lap.

His calloused hands slid up and down your thighs, rounding your full hips. His fingers found the scar, the patched-up hole in your leg; you shivered as he looked down at it.

"First time I've felt it," He said, out of the blue. "Hurt at all?"

You shook your head, "No." Your cheeks flushed, overwhelmed by everything that had come together in the last few moments but especially as he dusted his fingers across your scar.

He squeezed your flesh reassuringly, leaning up to press a soft kiss against your lips. Your hands, in turn, moved quickly to unzip his pants, gently taking his cock in your hand as you knelt up on the seat.

He helped to guide his cock to the warmth of your pussy, the soft, wet flesh beckoning him closer until he sunk in, and you began to relax, sliding down his cock. Your pussy swallowed him whole, his pulsating cock twitching within your welcoming walls- his head fell back, and your hands landed on his shoulders.

"Shit, baby," You exhaled, your hips stationary while you acclimated yourself to his size again.

"Just as fuckin' heavenly," He whispered, strong hands kneading the flesh of your ass and hips. "Though now s'all mine," He grinned, smug and assured.

Your hips rolled forward, the first thrust easing any discomfort, and making you flinch when your clit rubbed against the short curls at the base of his cock. You exhaled again, a quiet shudder as he filled you entirely, so deliciously hot and hard inside you.

Your hands met behind his head, pulling yourself closer as you found your stride, taking his cock deeper inside you while grinding your clit against him.

"That's right, love," He said approvingly, his hands gripping your hips, helping you forward. "Ride it- y'know how I like it, don't you?" He cooed, greedy fingers squeezing your waist and ass in his hands.

"Keep talking," You whispered against his cheek. "I missed your voice," You said.

"That right?" He practically hummed, though a bit choked as you rode his cock. "Think you missed more than that- greedy fuckin' girl."

His hand left a slap against your ass, making you hiss softly.

"Simon-" You warned. "No teasing, been too long," You groaned.

"You wanna cum, sweetheart?" He asked, his voice dripping with mockery.

You nodded, your breaths heavier as you chased your orgasm, his voice leaking into your abdomen and pushing you forward with every single word. Your hands clawed at his shoulders, your breasts flush with his chest.

"Make me cum," You sighed.

He put two fingers in his mouth, before reaching your clit and stroking softly in a circular motion. Your back arched into his touch, practically bouncing yourself up and down his cock.

"Yes- yesyesyes," You gasped.

He let out a short, strangled grunt at feeling your pussy flutter around his cock.

"Fuckin' Christ, love," He spat, his fingers digging into your waist as he helped you ride him.

Your breath caught in your chest, warmth flooding your abdomen as you clenched your jaw, your pussy contracting around him. Your vision blurred for a moment, squeezing your eyes shut while your climax rushed over you within a matter of moments.

Stars obstructed your view of him while you blinked softly, and he wrapped a gentle hand around your throat. You quickly realized he'd released inside you already- overly sensitive and cringing each time you moved forward.

"Sorry," You gasped, relaxing into his chest, his cock still erect inside you.

"S'alright, sweetheart." He pulled your forward to kiss you, soft lips against yours.

He helped you over to the passenger seat, offering his T-shirt to help clean yourself up. Once settled back in your jeans, and sliding the seatbelt over you, you turned to him with a soft smile.

"Let's go home."

#cod mw2 #simon riley #ghost x reader #cod mwii #mwii #simon ghost riley x reader #ghost smut #simon riley smut #strlingsavwrites

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toneelspeelster · 8 months

Text

ethics of motherhood: the jane / charlie spring essay

ever since the release of the second season of heartstopper i've seen so many different opinions on jane spring as a parent; she's the absolute devil, overbearing, completely against understanding charlie and his relationship with nick etc. etc. but i would like to delve into why i think the way alice set up jane spring in s2 is a /great/ gateway into a deeper, nuanced storyline between jane and charlie because, quite honestly - it's clearly long overdue. once again, i'd like to use backstory from the comics to infer what might be happening to jane in the series and how, maybe a bit surprisingly to some - charlie is in some respects a lot more like her than you might think.

please note: this is not an apology, or an excuse to jane's behaviour as a mother to charlie; i just want to give her actions a context and i think, show the room for growth which I think would be a beautiful, very nuanced, storyline between parent and child to take on in charlie's mental health story in s3/4.

(tw for parental abuse, discussion of eating disorder)

one thing that really informs jane spring as a character and as a mother in general is her own mother. we see in the comics that her mother is a. physically abusive and b. does not allow jane to have any criticism against her and uses that as a reason for the abuse.

jane later tells charlie the following on her relationship with her mother, acknowledging the effect that her mother had on her - to an extent. she softens the things that happened to her.

jane knows this of her being a mother: she's overbearing, her mother was too, and she was also hoping to be very different to what her mother was to her.

now what i think is a vital thing to consider is the following: jane grew up in a household where she was physically and emotionally unsafe. she was hit for expressing normal teenage behaviour. it should be okay to sometimes not agree with your parents and pushing back at them. they should provide you with a safe method of communication for doing so but they never taught jane that. as a result, i think it's a very human response of people to try and make sure they deal with things differently when they get older; but that also can result in overcompensating behaviour.

my feeling is that jane is overly focused, i think unconsciously, on keeping in particular charlie safe, and in that sometimes loses sight on making him feel actually (emotionally) safe. because safe means to jane: performing well in school, not doing anything that might be dangerous, but also: keep in line with expected social behaviour. what is the safest thing, jane thinks? that your behaviour is perfect. because if you don't give others any reason to think you're being out of order (in whatever way), you will not get abuse. safe is being perfect, doing everything perfectly. you can and should control your life in such a way that it will be possible for things to be perfect.

and guess who feels that way too?

kids learn a lot more from their parents than they would think (or even like).

one of the most interesting changes from novel to tv series i think, is the change of having jane not being immediately supportive of nick from the get go; as it fits in quite well with jane's character trait of being focused on charlie's safety (and by extension julio's character, but he goes about this differently and quite honestly... can be quite of a wet wipe lol) and exercising control over his behaviour to make him safe in her own eyes. she wants him to be socially presentable ("please change out of your pyjamas to meet guests"), to focus on school work, and for him to listen to her when she says he needs to come home; in a sense i think she wants to be aware of where charlie is at a given time and not too stay out too late, because the night? that might be dangerous.

we have to remember that charlie was severely bullied only a year ago, and julio's constant reminders of charlie in s1 of please calling him when the situation gets out of hand with nick's circle of "friends", indicates to me that his parents were aware of the bullying, maybe being informed by ajayi bc i don't see charlie being able to tell that to his parents himself. so: nick's "sort" (tao mentions his circle as "exactly the sort of people who bullied [charlie]") are in jane's eyes boys to be weary of.

so when charlie tells his parents, jane doesn't totally trust it.

this is worsened when it turns out nick is also going on the paris trip. for charlie, that's not the only reason to on the trip at all, but the way the conversation goes with julio's comment that's the reason why he wants to go, this is where nick gets associated in her mind with charlie as something that she needs to be aware of and perhaps even intervene. to make sure he's safe. she needs to control the situation if it goes wrong.

which she does. almost immediately. when charlie shows behaviour out of the ordinary for him and the only cause she sees is nick; he's the new factor in all of this.

it's like she thinks if she doesn't completely nip this behaviour in the bud in a very hard way, all the bad things imaginable will come immediately. like charlie would flunk school within a few weeks. charlie, who's been a high achiever! julio's response is actually quite appropriate, i personally think: it's not a wonder that you're unfocused bc you have been spending time a lot (which we've seen! on screen!) but also i don't want ban you from seeing him completely, just set some boundaries.

interestingly enough, this is also due to charlie overly focusing his efforts on keeping nick essentially perfectly safe in his coming out as well; unfortunately, in that final scene shown above, he's just realised that he's got no control over nick's coming outs being perfect, as david has shown to be very biphobic and dismissive of nick in a way that neither nick or charlie had any say in or could even prevent from happening. jane has the option of trying to control things because she's his mother and has some authority over his life.

jane disappears in the show after this issue of charlie handing in his course work gets resolved for a while, so it does seem like she very much keeps to her word afterwards.

she comes back in time for some growth. tori rightly mentions that the family dinner is not something that their mum would totally enjoy bc tori has seen the criticism jane has regarding nick. but charlie does know nick, feels emotionally safe with him, especially after their convo in the louvre and nick being open about his dad, so charlie is right in saying nick, as a person not the idea that jane has of him by association, might convince her.

and he does.

nick can be trusted; nick has come out to his neglectful parent, chastised his older brother for being an asshole, mentions he feels happy with his life with charlie and living openly as his boyfriend and apologises to his mother for ruining the dinner (a sign of a well mannered boy!). and when sarah tells jane that this is something that she's never seen nick do and that must be of nick's deep care for charlie, jane thinks..

and comes around (a bit).

unfortunately, her overt focus on charlie's grades slipping being due to nick's influence in his life completely makes her neglect the signs that charlie is not eating well (that's something that is building up so gradually that i don't think she sees it as an option). there are some great metas on here by @ finnicksannie regarding this being one of the biggest reasons why charlie's grades are actually slipping.

all in all, i just want to close by saying this is a deeply traumatised mother parenting a deeply traumatised son and they both need time and therapy for a better understanding of the communication between them.

and i think the end of season 2 sets up a nice storyline about that quite nicely. jane accepts nick in their circle, but her communication with charlie has not been resolved; it's just a little tick towards her needing to trust charlie more. he's got good instincts. she's starting to realise.

this is all not an excuse. it's a set up for a responsibility on jane's part to work to communicate with charlie better. but life is life. and we're humans. sometimes we need to learn to grow.

and in the mean time, in the small moments, maybe with what you would say is the bare minimum, with not agreeing with charlie's self deprecation, jane does show her love of her son.

i don't think it's without reason that this was shown.

i have not read the novel solitaire / nick & charlie / this winter. feel free to add in comments if there's something in there too! but i do feel the series might incorporate jane's storyline maybe a little bit differently than from in the books; but it sounds like her controlling behaviour is a throughline to it all.

#heartstopper #heartstopperedit #heartstopper meta #charlie spring #jane spring #julio spring #nick nelson #narlie #my words #my edits #daddy issues the essay last season with nick's dad #mommy issues the essay now!

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princesssarisa · 7 months

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Musical fandoms and ingenue hate

Is this really such a problem?

There's a YouTuber named Katherine Steele who mostly makes videos about musical theatre, and who has a small video series in defense of ingenue characters, titled "Why Everybody Hates..."

There are four videos in the series: "Why Everybody Hates Cosette" (Les Misérables), "Why Everybody Hates Christine" (The Phantom of the Opera), "Why Everybody Hates Johanna" (Sweeney Todd), and "Why Everybody Hates Maria" (West Side Story).

Some other sources – like TV Tropes, for example – have cited those videos to talk about why these characters are "widely" disliked.

But is it really true? Of all four of those musicals' fandoms, I've only been deep in the Les Misérables fandom, but from what I've seen people say about the others, I had no idea that those ingenue characters got big amounts of hate!

Being indifferent to the character doesn't count as hate, nor does considering her unoffensive but boring.

Do Johanna and Maria get the same kind of real loathing in the diehard Sweeney Todd and West Side Story fandoms that we see in the Les Mis fandom with talk about "that horrid Cosette," "I hate her with a passion," etc?

There is a lot of visceral, venomous Cosette-hate in the Les Mis fandom, or at least there used to be in the '90s and early 2000s. But it has a cause: Éponine. Immature people hate Cosette because she's loved by Marius, when they want him to love Éponine instead. (And to a lesser extent because she "abandons" her father Jean Valjean, but that's more the novel's Cosette than the musical's.)

I know that there's also some Christine hate among Phantom Phans, which is also love-triangle related: they hate her for choosing Raoul instead of the Phantom.

But I had no idea that Sweeney and WSS fans were venomous about Johanna or Maria – are they?

From what little I've seen of Sweeney fans, I've occasionally seen them call Johanna boring or a Mary Sue (and even then, the context has been "I always thought she was, but then [insert actress here] made me appreciate her"). But for the most part, I see people talk approvingly about how she's more complex than an average ingenue, how she can be played as mentally unstable, etc.

And Maria? Yes, there are the people who can't stand how quickly she forgives Tony for killing Bernardo. (Although that complaint only seems to have become widespread with the 2021 film's release – I remember occasionally reading it in the past, but not nearly as much as now.) But apart from that, and from sometimes seeing people call both Maria and Tony boring, I had no idea that anyone hated her! And if you think she had no characterization but "pretty and nice" until the 2021 film, then you've been giving both the stage version and the 1961 film a shallow surface read! She's always had intelligence, playfulness, passion and strength!

I'd like people who have been deep in the fandoms of these musicals to tell me. Is there really a widespread problem of loud, venomous hate for all these ingenue characters, the way there has been for Cosette in the Les Mis fandom? Or is it really just a few people calling them "boring" now and then, with only the love triangles in Les Mis and Phantom making people nastier about Cosette and Christine?

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vasyandii · 7 months

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Hi, Vasya! I’m sorry, if you wrote it somewhere and I just missed it, but I was wondering, what are Naks relationships with other Chimera members (ok, Krueger is obvious and I remember you writing about Syd). Is it ‘just business’ for her or are they her friends? What does she think of them? Thank you so much!

Hi Thank you so much for the Ask!! Im going to section out by each individual operator if that's okay (I'm really bad at explaining things so please bear with me ;-;)

NAK'S RELATIONSHIPS WITH CHIMERA MEMBERS (+How I think Nak would draw them)

Beforehand: These are just my personal Headcanons from how I interpret their characters and voicelines!

SYD

I briefly mentioned Syd being someone Nak views as an older sister figure in her Bio so I'd like to touch more on that-

Nak, She sees Syd as a sister because Syd's the first person she's comfortable enough to talk about her personal experiences and cares enough about her that Nak shows interest in what Syd as to say. For a long while didn't have a healthy support system before she fled Laos . Being introduced to Syd, she was reluctant and dismissive for the first week or so. However, seeing how Syd was trying to at least be on good terms with her, she thought it was safe enough to give it a chance.

Syd (from her voicelines) is outgoing, friendly, strong-willed, and determined. Nikolai probably asked her to intergrate Nak into the group. Both of them being from wealthy families of people with political/military influence is something they have in common. She understood to an extent why Nak had difficulty trusting people (Not including the whole Naga Trauma stuff) and was willing to take up the challenge.

They hang out during breaks, Nak gets to experience Normal life stuff like a Girls Night, doing her hair, going shopping.

YEGOR

Yegor, having 3 kids himself, probably has an instinct to protect and look out for those who are younger in the field (from His interactions with Rodion and his discomfort with using children during interrogation). He's lowkey concerned abt Nak because she's one of the youngest members in the faction. He knows how people in their early 20s would act from his personal experience but Nak doesn't fit the mold and it's worrying, even if he doesn't say it.

Nak has cried because he called her "kid", she didn't even realize she was crying from that. It was like an inner child healing experience. She initially didn't like him because she felt like he was "treating her as if she's a child" but grew to respect him since they have pasts in organized crime and he feels like her idea of a dad.

NIKOLAI

Nikolai is hard on Nak (alot of cleaning duties, etc.) Because she's one of the youngest people in the faction. " If you wann work here you gotta be good at your job" mindset. He knows that she's a good operator so he pushes her to do her best, with boundaries of course.

Nak thinks of Nikolai as a better version of Naga. She says he's a pain in the ass but really respects him; He got her a job, he accommodated for her issues with routine mental check ups, and his methods with missions is efficient and more her style. She's called him Dad on accident a handful of times, I don't think Nikolai bothered to correct her though.

ISKRA

Iskra doesn't have an opinion on Nak, she respects Nak's ability as an operator but thinks she's a bit strange

Nak thinks Iskra is so cool. She doesn't know how to talk to her because she thinks Iskra is really pretty and admires her relationships with the other female operators. She wants to be friends with her.

Farah

Farah doesn't have an opinion in Nak, doesn't know her that well.

Nak is a bit intimidated by Farah because of her Accomplishments, respects her as an operator

Krueger

She thinks he's stupid and dumb (they kiss)

If you made it this far thank you or reading, the post corrupted initially so that's why it's longer 😭😭

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captainmera · 7 months

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How do you think Belos would react if he found out Hunter had feelings for Willow,a witch, just like his brother?

As a man of repetitive patterns - I'd say he'd kill him?

"It hurts every time he chooses to betray me"

can mean lots of ways Caleb betrayed Philip. It's vague and Philip gets to interpret it however he wants for every new grimwalker. It's almost like he expects it of them - otherwise, why always have one in the making?

Betrayal of wanting to be himself. Betrayal of loving a witch. Betrayal of loving the demon realm. Betrayal of disagreeing with ideologies. Betrayal of wanting to quit the coven system/Golden guard. Betrayal of running away.

Essentially, Hunter checks every mark of betrayal.

"you looked the most like him" <- WELL, DING DONG BELOS THE NEWS IS HERE; YOUR NEPHEW IS MORE ALIKE CALEB IN OTHER WAYS THAN LOOKS ALONE!

Unless there was a reason of absolute that caused Belos to refrain from killing Hunter, if he has a use for him he no longer can get from anything or anyone else (making a new grimwalker might not be on the table anymore, for one), I think it would just be a matter of time before he kills Hunter too.

Put a mental pin in this note: No new grimwalkers mean no new person to exercise his cycle of reliving trauma and self-abuse with.

I don't think there is anything Hunter could've done. He would never have been who and what Belos wanted. Belos would have killed him.

I think the psychology, if I may be so bold and a little controversial here, is that Philip has a genuine trauma (as per definition of it) in regards to Caleb.

Here's something about trauma, yeah? It's not just innocent people who get it. Awful, horrible, people get trauma too. Sometimes, they are awful horrible people because of trauma.

In Philip's case, I think he was traumatized by the abandonment - as well as the humongous moral injury on top of it when finding out his brother chose to leave him and was happier now.

Side note: You know when you have a bully, then you grow up and you've had this awful life because you were traumatised by this person's abuse to you. In whatever extent it was. Could've been one moment, or a long period of time. Whatever it was, it left a significant mark on you that stagnated your life. As an adult, you look them up. Surely, a person who does that can't just... move on, right? There must have been karma, something! Anything! Divine justice! Nope. They just have a happy life, this whole time. People even love them.. And there you are. Broken.

Kind of the same vibe but a bit to the left.

Did you know that killers suffer ptsd?

It makes sense. Soldiers does! They're just people in war. But killers, you know, people who kill in self-defence or set out to kill for whatever reason in the context of regular society (and not in lines of war or duty). They actually, majority of the time, get trauma from it.

Soldiers don't need to have psychopathic tendencies to be able to kill another human being. Nobody does.

I don't think Belos began as a psychopath, 'nor a sociopath or a narcissist. I think he is a normal dude, whom due to trauma and repetitive re-living of that trauma has skewed his view of reality to such an extreme that he frankly just.... is functionally delusional.

He is a smart dude, who got crazy and scary, because he is delusional, wounded and functional.

Belos seeks his trauma out in a new setting where he has control over what happens. He sets it up the same every time. Has the same result every time.

He is a self-abuser.

Sometimes people seek out to revisit the trauma they experience, but in a way where they are in control of what happens.

Serial killers are interesting in this factor. Especially if we go by the stereotypical reason why male serial killers do what they do - Developing a need to impose power and murder the person they cant actually murder. Projecting to the extremes. At it's core, it's just the chase to impose power over a situation they had no power in.

In Belos case, is by all accounts a serial killer! ...With delusions of grandeur and lives in a delusional version of what reality actually is.

He absolutely slots right into that.

Consciously or not, he's trying to exert control over Caleb, the person who caused his trauma and, in his eyes, his abuse. Caleb leaving was, to Belos, abuse. By definition anyway, yeah. Unfortunately, if it hurts the person, yeah. That doesn't mean Caleb owes him shit though.

Killing Caleb was, most likely, very traumatic.

So, the moral injury of betrayal, coupled with murdering Caleb, possibly caused this cycle of murder.

I know some people are going to read this and cringe all "Don't call it trauma" but it is. It is trauma. Trauma is not some moral debate, it's an injury on the psyche or emotional state, your soul even. It is a wound.

And wounds can heal, and they can.. like in Belos case... Just escalate and consume them.

Belos just didn't fucking COPE.

Like, this would have been so different if he just COPED. But he has no friends, no family, he's isolated and wounded and single minded and scientific. It's all the right and wrong things to shape him into a dude that... did. not. cope.

And being HUNDREDS OF YEARS OLD just living and breathing and doing NOTHING ELSE than committing your ENTIRE EXISTENCE to this repetition... This wound.. Dissecting it over and over and over and over AND OVER.. Well...! There he is!

Belos, everyone!

What a dick. :V

People rarely want to discuss the ugly of mental illness. And the horrible people trauma can create.

In no shape or form am I excusing Belos behaviour or actions, just explaining the road it might've gotten there.

Again, it's not just the innocents that can have trauma.

I've personally met people who just.. They're an endless cycle. They were traumatized, they became not-so-great people... Never coped. Made it their whole identity.

And they think, because they're hurting; it's fair game to hurt others. Because to them it's not reaaal hurt. Because only victims hurt, right? And they were a victim once, they feel like a victim, they still live in that role.

And abusers are bad, victims are good. So they will never admit that they can do wrong. In their mind, they're the good guy forever. And you saying otherwise means you must be a bad one.

Some people, not all and not majority, finds control and comfort in remaining the victim - meaning they can never ever be the abuser in their mind either. Thus, starting a new cycle where they hand out abuse in the disguise of "love" or demanding "love" from someone.

Belos, absolutely, sees himself as the good guy. The one who was BETRAYED. He fails to see that he is betraying his brother, his long line of nephews- his own humanity even.

Everyone else (grimwalkers) is the bad guy if they don't become the one to heal them (belos), or cater to their needs.

Suddenly, it's your job to ensure they're okay, not hurting. And you will, because you love them. Right? If you didn't, you're a bad person. And you don't want to be that, do you? Disappoint them?

Belos, also, by repeatedly committing the murder of his brother is continuously abusing himself and re-traumatising himself. Death and empathy would wain and fade out. With practice comes perfection.

Basically he's training himself to feel less, because he has deluded himself into thinking the inhabitants of the Demon Realm aren't actual people - so it's okay. To him. To kill them.

And by murdering, and feeling less empathy per murder, coupled with his scientific desire to explore and dissect to understand as a way to (like doctors do) dehumanise the carcass he's working on, it's no wonder he started feeling less empathy.

And saw this growing lack of empathy as... Well, proof. Proof he's right. They aren't people.

With all this being said...

I don't think this is something he could repent from. It would take twice the time it took for him to get to this point. What? 300-400 years? so... 600-800 more just to give him a chance to repent?

Now, could HE heal from it? I'm sure he could. But that would not include being forgiven or going without punishment - if that punishment is death, yeah. sorry man. Off with your head.

ANYWAY.

Hunter and his uncle.

Belos abuse exerted upon Hunter is, in many forms, guided to shape Hunter into being the version of Caleb Belos wants Caleb to be.

But, also having this subconscious understanding that this boy is NOT his brother, and calling him his nephew and even giving him a name that symbolises what he wishes Caleb to be (Hunter, Witch Hunter. You could even say the GG is a general - so, witch hunter general).

All of this, possibly, as deranged as it is - in an attempt to reverse the roles.

Belos gets to be Caleb (the person who held "power" in the dynamic), gets to be admired, the way Philip admired his brother, which is now Hunter loving his uncle.

While still weirdly parading his nephew as his brother.

I think the psychology is layered in several ways here.

He he is forcing Hunter to be all of the vulnerable parts of his own younger self, while also forcing him to be everything he wanted his older brother to be. Making Hunter both an embodiment of what he hates in himself as well as what he admired in Caleb.

A very contradictory combo that, no doubt, would make Hunter's life hell to try understand - it's not a secure attachment, to have a violently out bursting parental figure that flip-flops between loving what you do for them but hating a vague invisible something you'll never understand that you also are.

Hunter's familial love is genuine, I don't doubt Belos has familial feelings towards Hunter. But I think, because he is so desensitised and on some level of delusion knows the grimwalkers will never be "good enough", that he is both emotionally and mentally prepared to watch life exit his nephew's eyes. So the attachment isn't a normal one.

He reduce it to the degree of putting the family dog out. Like "oh, it does hurt me, but I can get a new dog." kind of feelings.

Which is like, holy shit dude. What the actual hell is wrong with you.

But that's just... That's who the trauma has turned him into.

Yeah...!

Yeah!

I mean.. I'm not surprised..! Are you?

Humans can create the worst of monsters. Not because they have a negatively affiliated diagnosis like narcissism. But because the conditions were just right (or wrong) enough to make this genocidal maniac.

So, long answer made short:

As a man of repetitive patterns - I'd say he'd kill him.

just straight up bye bye nephew. <:')

THIS WAS LONGER THAN EXPECTED.... I'M GOING TO HAVE LUNCH NOW.

#belos rant #long text post #APPARENTLY I HAD THOUGHTS ON THIS MATTER #I WASN'T AWARE BUT HERE I AM #tgb ask #toh ask #belos #ask #anon ask #toh analysis #writing

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karmarox · 8 days

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Kallamar the Coward, Pt 2: Famine and Pestilence

Expanding on my previous Kallamar headcanon, I wanted to go more in depth on these two, particularly because of how often I see fanon treat their relationship as kind of one note (IE "Heket is the strong girlboss and Kallamar is the wimp so lets see her push him around and bully him cuz it's funny har har har").

It's easy to presume that after the sealing of The One Who Waits and the Bishops' injuries, Heket took over as "leader" of the Old Faith, being the one to take charge in meetings and sermons, speaking first despite her injuries, commanding the others, and being especially mindful and doting of Shamura and concerned over their mental state.

Heket isn't particularly strong. She's only a bit stronger than Leshy. In fact, by the time you reach her, it's pretty easy for your Cult to have grown enough that she's practically a pushover compared to how limited you are when you only have Darkwood and the starting Cult facilities available to you.

The second youngest ended up being promoted to a parental figure, due to the eldest being in no state to lead, and the second eldest having evidently broken down from the stress and nobody acknowledging he had his own trauma despite how "light" his injuries were compared to everyone else.

I think Heket's view of her elder brother would have definitely been damaged after she was forced to step up due to his failings. But even then... I think she does care about him. Unlike how instantly ready Narinder and even Shamura are to criticize Kallamar, and unlike how the common fanon portrayal is ready to have all of the bishops tear Kallamar apart for the sake of the joke of him being a flat character, Heket never directly insults him. At most she's pushy and commanding and hard on him.

I'd like to think she wants him to help again. To get out of whatever funk he's in and be the responsible one that took care of her and Leshy and Shamura at the start. So she pushes, tries to get him to take charge. She knows her own weakness even if she won't admit it. She wants, needs him to be the Bishop she knows he can be, knows he used to be. Even in his cowardice and unwillingness to move she still has him as the second in command and wants him to work together with her to manage the Old Faith and, once the game happens, deal with the Lamb.

But dealing with trauma isn't as easy as just giving the victim a "push" to try to make them get over it. Heket is tragically unaware that if anything, her trying to force Kallamar out of his comfort zone might actually be making things worse, making him recede deeper and deeper into his anxieties, failures, and resentment.

Just look at how doting Heket always is towards Shamura. Even after all that's happened (even after everything was Shamura's fault it was their fault all their fault everyone is like this now), Heket looks up to Shamura the most, follows along everything they say, tries to do what she thinks will make Shamura proud. Even when Shamura hasn't even tried to hide that Narinder the traitor is and always will be their favorite!! How could Heket still care about Shamura? How come she's never showed any of that concern for him? Why does he have to be strong and tough it out all the time just because he's the elder and "only" lost his ears?

Kallamar resents Shamura, potentially even sincerely hates them because of everything. But Heket? Heket hurt Kallamar in a way she doesn't even realize. Really, they hurt each other. Not to the extent Narinder did to all of them, but unlike what Narinder did, these wounds are invisible.

It's tragic what brother and sister have been left to. Heket would never openly call Kallamar a coward or failure like the others, but she's clearly disappointed in her senior falling apart when everyone needed him most. Kallamar cares enough to still be by her side whenever she asks, but resents her for always pushing him around, and for the favoritism she shows towards Shamura despite all that he's done never openly being acknowledged. On the one hand, he's ready to criticize her leadership abilities behind her back (such as when chatting with the Lamb). On the other, once his little sister is dead (SHAMURA'S FAULT ALL THEIR FAULT AGAIN) he's immediately ready to disown and sell out Shamura. Some might say it's all to save his own skin because he knows he's next, but what if it's also because without his little siblings he doesn't have any reason to serve the Old Faith anymore?

But maybe... now that their responsibilities are gone, things can get better. Who knows, maybe one day they'll actually be able to communicate. Kallamar still holds a lot of resentment, and Heket is definitely not acclimating to the Cult well and seems to have just become a bitter, angry person to everyone around her now that she's been reduced to a mortal, but now that he's much more like his past self, I can see him trying to dote on his little siblings again. His relationship with Shamura and Narinder are probably damaged beyond ever even considering repair, but Heket? She'll always be the little frog he had to take care of while Shamura was busy playing favorites.

#Cult of the Lamb #Kallamar #Heket #character study #headcanon #my stuff #my writing

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runabout-river · 5 months

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something I wanted to know is why in jujutsu kaisen the deaths are so superficial death in jujutsu is very different than in other animes The deaths also don't have as much impact, which is quite notable. I think there were only two deaths that had an impact outside of Toji and Geto, both of which caused problems in the jujutsu world.

That's an interesting question because my first thought was "Many of the deaths have an impact on the strory" and "there are more deaths in JJK than in other shonen manga, so their impact can't be too much without the narrative getting cluttered".

Seemingly contratictory thoughts, so I have opened an episode list to go through with all the deaths. First JJK 0:

Geto (villain): his death led Kenjaku to acquire Cursed Spirit Manipulation as a new CT -> he gets possession of Tengen and is now able to do the merger with humanity. Huge Impact.

Grandpa Itadori (side character): his death is an inciting incident mostly but his last words repeat in Yuji's head constantly and up until Shibuya he tried to live his like how his grandpa told him to. This one doesn't get a counter because he's basically Yuji's backstory and character motivation.

Junpei (side character): he is the first death that affected Yuji mentally. To the plot he was unimportant though. Moderate Impact.

Eso and Kechizu (side villains): Yuji already felt bad about killing them but that guilt grew later when he realized that they were brothers. In terms of plot, their death leads to a huge chain of events: in Shibuya Choso seeks out Yuji for revenge -> Yuji loses, gets force fed Sukuna's fingers -> Sukuna emerges, kills Jogo -> to save Megumi Sukuna kills 3000 people.

Choso could've fought against Yuji anyway but in terms of plot as it is written, Eso's and Kechizu's death directly lead to all of the above (having Jogo dealt with and Megumi saved isn't bad though). Moderate Impact.

Amanai Riko (side character): Tengen ascends because of her death and is now in Kenjaku's clutches. Huge Impact.

Toji (main villain): Toji's death is tricky because his impact comes from being alive and taking certain actions. So what did his death contribute to the plot?

Megumi grew up under Gojo and not the Zenin clan. Megumi had deep seated insecurities because he felt abondened by his parents. Toji's resurrection led to the death of a Disaster Curse and Megumi surviving against Jogo. Megumi being attacked by Haruta led to him summoning Mahoraga -> Sukuna kills 3000 people to save him.

We see that some narratives intersect to create the story. But for Toji I'd say that him being alive was more impactfult than his death so: Moderate Impact.

Death of Hanami, Dagon, Jogo (villains): Low Impact.

Death of Mahito (main villain): Kenjaku extracted Idle Transformation out of Mahito to transform Tengen's Barriers into the Culling Game. This wouldn't have happened if Yuji and Todo hadn't defeated him prior. Huge Impact.

3000 people/Nanami/Nobara (side chars/main chara/important side chara): the consequtive deaths of all of them led to Yuji basically becoming suicidal. His "cog" mentality emerged and he planned on dying so Angel would free Gojo. We don't know how he did in the time skip but he's probably still like that at least to some extent if not even more so. Huge Impact.

Naobito (side character): Megumi became clan head because of his death but that didn't go anywhere for Megumi. But because of this the clan elders decided to kill Megumi, Maki and Mai. Huge Impact.

Mai (side character): Maki became fully realized because Mai died and took their shared cursed energy with her. Now the world has another God of Destruction, Maki is in possession of a sword that can cut souls and the Zenin doesn't exist anymore. Huge Impact.

Reggie (minor villain): Megumi was ruthless against him. It's more that Megumi's desire to save Tsumiki at all costs had an impact on him that led to Reggies death. Still, Reggie cursed Megumi at the end and later Megumi became possessed. Moderate Impact.

Yuki (side character): What did Yuki's death achieve? Choso chose to be human I guess. Low Impact.

Tsumiki's death (side character): Last part in Sukuna's 3-step plan to subjugate Megumi. He had to kill her because the first two steps weren't enough but Megumi was passive during her killing. Moderate to Huge Impact.

Gojo (main character): Huge Impact.

Hope I didn't forget deaths (other than from minor characters)

I wouldn't say that deaths in JJK are superficial, just that the narrative and the characters meet death more readily than characters in other manga. In AoT the deaths are shocking and like a punch but that's part of the horror aspect of the manga: the people don't want to die.

In JJK the horror aspect leans more to (reluctantly) accepting a gruesome death. That's why we have moments like Gojo simply taking the death of Nanami in without having an emotional outburst. Emotional control is itself soemthing that is taught to sorcerers so the JJK characters are as a baseline a bit more stoic than characters in Naruto or One Piece.

In terms of Impact, most of the deaths do have it. It's just woven into the story or the impact is more internal than external.

#jujutsu kaisen #jjk #itadori yuji #fushiguro megumi #gojo satoru #toji fushiguro #ask #meta

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earthstellar · 10 months

Text

Caminus is a disabled Titan and I love him

His physical body has been completely separated into parts and fully utilised to the maximum possible degree for the sake of his Citizens

He was never going to be able to be fully repaired in the first place, and instead of even trying, he decided to put all of his remaining energy and resources into entering a permanent physical dormancy so his people would have somewhere to live and thrive

The effort it takes him to keep himself operational enough to provide the basics for his Citizens means that the strain severely impacts his remaining cognitive capacity and communicative ability

The Camiens realise the extent of Caminus' love for them, the extent of his devotion to his people being so great that he has given them every physical and mental part of himself to build upon and thrive

Even if those parts were already damaged upon arrival, it doesn't matter-- Caminus fulfils his duty into perpetuity

The most important thing the Camiens derive from Caminus himself is not fuel or power or infrastructure, but his eternal love

He has imbued his people with his creativity, curiosity, a more spiritual approach to philosophy, a cultural emphasis on friendship and mutual aid borne out of a need for resource conservation-- Thus providing environmental and resource awareness via his very state of being

We don't know much about Caminus as a person, aside from his heartbreak at the betrayal of Life Maximo and how the fallout from that was enough to send him away from Cybertron and leave Metroplex behind

But I think we can take some reasonable guesses from what we know of him through the optics of his Citizens and from what we know of his actions in general, and say that Caminus is--at his very core--devoted, loving, creative, sensitive, strong

And he is very much a disabled character. The fact that he is physically and mentally disabled is a critical part of why the Camien culture is the way it is, informed how this society developed, and even lent quite a bit to the creation/revival of Cityspeaking as an art form, which allowed him by proxy to help Metroplex from afar even while largely dormant himself

I don't see Caminus himself discussed very often, but he is absolutely one of my favourite characters

A Titan who brought an entire people and civilisation into existence, while also being physically and cognitively disabled.

He is never repaired. He cannot be repaired.

And that is fine; His love for his people is undying. His spark continues to spin, hidden far below the surface, for as long as love itself can live-- Far beyond any physical or metal tolerances, Caminus loves his people.

Forever.

And even without repairs, that is enough for the spark of a Titan.

(This isn't to romanticise the state of his health and his difficulties, but rather, is to highlight that his personal motivation is primarily his love for his people.)

Being disabled does not stop anyone from loving.

And we actually get to see that with Caminus!

In a lot of media, disabled characters are often highlighted for what they don't have, rather than what they do have and who they actually are as people.

The way Caminus is portrayed, his disabilities are critical to not just his own story but to the stories of all Camien people in one way or another. His influence and the impact of his state of health is massive.

But we also get to know who Caminus is, as a person. He values connections with others, he is loyal, creative, caring, and so on. He has significant compassion and dedication towards smaller beings, and values life. He had close relationships with his respective Prime and his "brother" (Metroplex).

I just really like Caminus a lot, idk I'm at work so this is probably not as coherent as I'd like lmao

#caminus #idw 1 #idw transformers #maccadam #maccadams #disability in fiction #disability in media

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