I’m making a pro ana gc

Rules (can change if needed):

Meanspo is allowed

This is real pro ana meaning recovery isn’t talked about, but I’m not necessarily against recovery, but just getting kicked out if you try to recover, but I wish the best for you

Every weight is allowed

We will post out weekly weights so don’t lie about your weight

Fat people are allowed (like actual fat people) as long as they are losing weight

Everybody needs to encourage everyone not to eat when they want to binge

We need a toxic environment, I’m warning you if you want to join it likely will be very detrimental to your mental health

16+

PRO ANA so don’t be afraid to be mean but don’t body shame others unprovoked or for no reason unless they ask

I'm considering starting the get worse diet again. I would have to modify it slighlty to accomodate being home with my family on the weekend but I think it's doable. I need some motivation though and I'm not sure where to look for that.

I figured out a full explanation of why I'm back to feeling like stuff that happened wasn't that bad. Part of it is because I don't believe myself. I feel like I'm just making it up even though I know it's true, probably because I don't have the reaction that I feel like I'm supposed to have when I think about it. But at the same time I feel like I'm overreacting because it wasn't worse and it wasn't even anything that left any proof. I also feel like other people have it worse or have had it worse or have had worse things happen and they don't let it negatively effect them. It makes me feel like things that happened to me were nothing compared to that so I should just be thankful that I had it better than they do and move on. They just seem to forget it. And I kind of did for awhile. I was fine until I figured out it wasn't bullying so it feels like I just keep bringing it up even though I didn't even think about it before so I'm actually just overreacting. I just feel like I keep fixating on something that I need to let go of and I can't but that means I just need to try harder and I'm not which is making it feel like it's my fault for letting it effect me still.

But I feel like I can't say any of this to my friends because it feels stupid and like I'm just whining. Also because I don't want to be an inconvenience, I don't want to worry people, I don't want to be a burden, I feel like I don't deserve help, I feel like I don't deserve anything good, and I feel like nothing is bad enough for me to feel how I do because if I admit that then I have to admit that I'm not okay. I'm also still a little skeptical about talking to people because of how long I went without anyone taking me seriously. That makes it feel like maybe no one actually cares and eventually their going to get tired of listening to me repeat myself and they'll leave and I'll be alone again.

I feel so alone right now. I have friends but I don't see them often because I transfered to a new university this semester. It feels like they're so far away even though it's only a few minutes drive. It feels like they won't even notice that I'm gone and they'll just go on living their lives like I wasn't there. Like I don't matter. I don't eve know why they like me. I don't like me. I wouldn't want to be friends with me. It feels like I'm to different from everyone for anyone to like me. It feels like I was lucky to find people at my last school who will like me but that's not how it was supposed to be. It feels like I'm supposed to be alone because that's how it was for so long. I don't want to be alone but I don't know how to be close to people. I feel like I can't talk to my friends from my school about this either because they may think it's something they did wrong and I don't want to make them feel bad.

I am not alive for myself. I'm alive because other people need me. If they didn't then I would be long gone by now. I don't even want to have goals. I have goals so that I'm not completely miserable while I have to be here. I have a job and go to school so other people can tell me what I need to do and I don't have to decide.

It's crazy how thughts like

“I wish I didn’t exist”

“I want to just disappear”

“Just because I don’t want to d!e doesn’t mean I’m happy to be alive”

And some mornings on really bad days when I wake up I think “really, I have to do this again?”

Can happen at the same time as thoughts like

“I want to get to the day where I am excited to wake up and see something I love”

“I want to be so happy that I cry because I see something beautiful”

“I want to get through these negative thoughts just so I can prove to myself that I can”

“I want to be better for myself because I know I deserve to feel okay”

Depression is a weird experience sometimes. Like, I want to be reckless and dangerous and impulsive but at the same time I can't even walk to the next room to get water or use the restroom.

St4ving and cvtting r the only things that give me comfort atp

I literally feel like all of my feelings are wrrong and irrelevant. When people ask me how I am I smile and say "I'm fine" when inside I am screaming. I feel like I can't tell anyone that I feel like I'm failing myself and eeveryone around me because they'll just tell me that I'm not and logically I know I'm not but that isn't how it feels. I feel like I'm holding evryone else back aand they would all be better if I was gone. I don't want to d!e though. I just want to disappear and not feel or think anything ever again.

I worry that if I don't hear my phone ring at night that I may never get a chance to answer a call from that person again. Yet I can't even text anyone when I feel like I could be at the end.

TW SU!C!D3

I'm so fucking tired all of the time. I don't want to be alive anymore. But at the same time I don't want to d!e. I'm not su!c!d@l I'm just tired of fighting myself every single day. Tired of fighting the voices in my head saying I'll never be good enough, nobody loves me, I'm not worth it, I'm a waste of people's time. I wish I could just disappear without a trace. Disappear from the world and from everyone's memory. But since I can't erase the memory of myself from anyone I can't disappear.

I may joke about crashing my car but it actually terrifies me. I'm scared of both serving a crash and dying in a crash. If I survive the crash then I have to deal with the consequences. I will have to live with the memories. I will have to live with any injuries, whether temporary or permanent. I will have to live with medical bills. With insurance bills. With damage repair bills. With possibly replacing my car. I will have to live with any injury I may accidentally cause others. If I die in a crash then the first responders will have to live with the memories of trying to save me and failing. The people notifying my family will have to live with my family's reaction to the news. My family will have to live without me and will have to pay funeral costs. The consequences of surviving may feel like a lot to me but I could live with them because it would be my own fault anyway. I am more concerned with how others would feel if I were to die. I don't care about myself enough to not crash my car, but I care about others enough to not. For now, that's enough to keep me here. Maybe eventually, I will get to a point that I do care about myself enough to fight for myself.

I don't want to try anymore. Its like "whats even the point?" Nothing is ever going to work. Im never going ro get better. To be better. I've been trying so hard to get better, to not let my mind control me, but just when I think things are starting to improve I snap and end up right back where I started. Nothing is ever going to get better. I'm a lost cause. I'm too broken. I have too many problems. But it's all my own fault anyway. I wouldn't have any problems if I just tried harder. I wouldn't have an eating disorder if I just ate. I wouldn't have anxiety if I didn't dwell on the future. I wouldn't have depression if I didn't dwell on the past. The solution is to just be in the present. I don't seem like I have autism so it's probably not even real. I should just be normal. I just need to be better. It's not that difficult. I wouldn't be exhausted from trying to fix my problems if I didn't create them to start with. I don't have trauma, I'm just overreacting. Nothing even happened. I should stop wasting everyone's time telling them about my problems. I should tell them I'm better then leave so they don't have to deal with me anymore.

TW SA/TRAUMA VENT

I opened the flood gates of emotion and now I can't stop crying. It's been almost 45 minutes. I think it's also anxiety and every emotion that I've suppressed. All I want is to sleep through the night and to not be reliving the worst four years of my life every single day. I relive it physically and emotionally. I barely know what I'm reliving because I don't remember it in my head but I remember the physical and mental feelings. When I think too much I can still feel them touching me. I'm just tired. I'm so tired. I don't want to feel anything. I want to disappear. I want to forget everything that happened. I don't want to be afraid of everyone. I just want to be okay. I dont want to wake up in the middle of the night every night because of a nightmare that I can't remember or I remember in vivid detail. I want to feel safe. I don't want to feel like I'm suffocating when I remember things. How am I supposed to focus on breathing to calm down if I feel like I can't fucking breathe? I'm tired of feeling worthless. I'm tired of feeling like it's my fault. I'm tired of feeling overwhelmed. I'm tired of feeling like I'm carrying this thing that feels like it's going to crush me if I stop. I've barely stopped. Ive tried to stay busy. I've barely had a chance to catch my breath from school and now I'm already being drowned by my mind. I don't know how to stop. I just want my mind to stop.

I feel like I'm never going to be okay. Like I'll never be able to fully trust anyone. Like all of my problems are going to be with me forever. And those problems are going ro make it hard for anyone to like me. Because I push them away when they get close. I feel like I'm too broken and I can't be fixed. I can't keep fighting myself. I feel like everyone else should just give up on me. I'm too difficult to deal with. I create problems. I fight back. I'm too stubborn. I don't know how to let myself be loved. I don't even know how to love myself. I only see my flaws and problems. And there's so many. I'm a problem. I'm a mistake. I'm unlovable. I'm unfixable. I feel like nothing will ever be okay. I'm going to have to keep forcing it and faking it for the rest of my life. And the rest of my life feels so long and unbearable and overwhelming and unrealistic. I don't think I can do it. I don't want to do it. I'm tired. I'm done. But I can't do anything because there's people in my life now who want to fix me. It's only a matter of time before they give up. Before I'm able to push them away. Before I can disappear from their lives. Before everything comes crashing down. Before they hate me.

I am trying so hard to keep it all together and it's exhausting. But I know I'll feel better if I let it go, and I want to. But you can't do both at the same time. You can't keep it together and let it go. It just leaves me stuck in this spiral and I feel like I'm drowning. I feel like I'm stuck here and it's never going to get better. Like I'll never get out of the spiral. But I know I can. I've done it before. But even though I've gotten out of the sppiral in the past, I'm back in it now. It makes me feel like "what's even the point in trying?" I feel like I'm wasting my time and I'm letting everyone else waste their time.

I am so ready for winter break to be over so I can go back to school and drown myself in so much schoolwork and my job that I can fast all the time

Me: tries to lose weight at a safe pace so I can try to keep it off, not get sick, and not die

Also me: HOW MUCH WEIGHT CAN I LOSE BEFORE MY DOC APPT. IN 4 DAYS!?!?!?!