Adam's Angry About the Brittney Griner Trade

... About the C0\/|D Excuse

Have you ever had someone use C0\/|D as an excuse to get out of something, or to not see you? Yeah, it's getting to be insulting. Adam's Angry in a new 10 minute video.

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Adam's Angry about Disney

THE LOGIC OF COVID-19...

• The COVID-19 Virus can travel up and down the aisles of a restaurant; however, it will NOT attack you as sit you maskless at your table eating and drinking. If you get up and venture into the aisle, put that mask on again because the virus lives in that walkway.

• The COVID-19 Virus will avoid the funerals of beloved left-wing race-baiting agitators; however, it will aim directly for your grandmother’s funeral or other religions services.

• The COVID-19 Virus will literally kill you if you’re standing in line to vote. Apparently it will seek and destroy voters (particularly in red states); however, standing in line at Walmart, Home Depot, and the grocery store is perfectly acceptable.

• The quality and style of your mask will be strictly monitored when entering Disney properties as there is a specific strain of COVID-19 that is limited to Disney’s various parks and shopping establishments. If going to other public establishments, you can literally tie a used tube sock around your face, and that is adequate.

• The COVID-19 virus will actively skip over and not affect giant crowds of Black Lives Matter activists (scientists have concluded that the virus is sufficiently “woke” and supports the cause). Concerts, Republican political rallies, church gatherings, and playgrounds are still disallowed as the virus festers in those specific venues.

• The COVID-19 virus hates food (as mentioned above, the virus will not attack you if you’re sitting at a restaurant table). So a bar or brewery that does not serve food is at EXTREME risk of the virus. If you run a bar or a brewery, it is important to serve ANY kind of food in an effort to ward off the virus. Then, your business can stay open and thrive.

• A good tip is to put cellophane over keypads and touch screens and leave it there for the duration of the day. While the virus can be transferred from your finger to a keyboard, it will avoid Saran Wrap and run the other direction.

• Another good tip is to wear rubber gloves all day. Never change them. Your hands MUST be protected by the virus at all times. When discarding the gloves, throw them on the ground immediately as we do not want the virus contaminating the inside of a trash can. Same goes for masks... tear the mask from your face and discard it to the ground.

• The mask is not so much as a piece of medical hardware but a symbol of identity. Your mask can hang from one ear, go around your chin like a chinstrap, pulled down under your nose, or bunched up across your upper lip like a mustache. As long as the mask is somewhat secured to your face, much to the point where a semi-stiff breeze will not blow it off, you’re safe from the virus.

• By following all of the aforementioned guidelines, you will ensure that you have a 99.6% chance of surviving the horror and terror of COVID-19.

Why “The Sopranos” Ending Was An Insult To Fans

Everyone is using the COVID-19 quarantine to get reacquainted with long-running television shows like “Breaking Bad,” “Mad Men,” and most notably “The Sopranos.” Those who are diving into “The Sopranos” again are invariably forced to acknowledge how the show ended with its infuriating “cut-to-black” as Tony Soprano looked up from the diner table.

Some people said it was ingenious.

Some people said it was cruel.

I’m going to tell you why it was cowardly and quite frankly the biggest cop-out in television writing ever.

I won’t say it sucked or is “terrible/awful/horrible.” “The Sopranos” is like pizza: even when it’s crappy, it’s still pretty good (I’m talking to you “Christopher” episode). But the truth is David Chase punked out like a little bitch when he wrote the finale.

Let’s recap how the ending could have gone. There were honestly three possible endings that were plausible considering the show’s plot:

1. Tony dies somehow: Tony gets taken down in a blaze of glory or some mob hit where he’s covered in fake blood and left splattered all over the living room floor or something. This most certainly would have upset the fans who stuck with the Soprano family for 6 drawn out seasons.

2. Tony lives happily ever after somehow: Everyone is dead. “All his enemies are smoked” (to steal a line from Tony). And he goes home to his wife and empty nest. No one would have bought it because how many career criminals with Tony’s body count, not to mention the loose ends he left out there (Carlo comes to mind), walk scot-free and get to live life on their own terms? The FBI wasn’t just going to give up on him and say, “Welp, we tried.”

3. Tony goes to jail: Probably where I would have laid my bet early in season 6. There were too many LEOs in the mix and involved with the war between NY and New Jersey. Someone was going to slip up and roll on Tony. It had happened too many times already (Adrianna, Eugene, Big Pussy, Ray, Jimmy, Carlo). If Tony went to jail, I could see the masses screaming for a “well what happens when he gets OUT?” follow up.

I’m sure a creative mind can think of a lot more possible endings but these were the most likely scenarios. Yes, I’m aware, Tony could have been an alien from outer space or something so save it.

But rather than write a kick-ass episode that uses one of these three end points (all of which would have made perfect sense), David Chase decided to sell out the cast, crew and fans with this ridiculous “cut to black” gimmick. He figured out that if half the fans were going to hate whatever the ending was, he had to write something that incorporated all of the aforementioned finales simultaneously (insiders tell me the “Tony is an alien” finale was rejected early in the creative process, but this is unverified).

So Chase leaves the ending ambiguous, maybe he was shot and killed, maybe he wasn’t. Maybe he lived, maybe he died. He came up with an ending that could theoretically please and annoy BOTH sides while giving the film school snobs something to embarrassingly read into and find ridiculous hidden meanings in. I can’t tell you all the dumb theories that come out of the spottily-bearded faces of millennial art grads.

It was an act of cowardice. You spend all these years creating this world of characters and you didn’t have the guts to end it properly. And for what? And why? Because you didn’t want to upset the other side in one capacity or another? A good, properly done ending would have united the Tony Lives/Tony Dies crowd if it was executed (heheh) well. But Chase tried to have it both ways and the result was infuriating. I guess he figured if he pissed everyone off equally, that, in and of itself, is a form of fan base unification.

Personally, the show could have ended at the end of the “Season 6a” (HBO split the final season into 2 halves like it was some Harry Potter movie). Phil was in the hospital. AJ had a girlfriend and a job, Meadow was in California with her boyfriend and Tony sat by the Christmas tree wearing that ridiculous beret that was a gift from Meadow. If anything that was the perfect metaphor for the previous 5 1/2 seasons : “Look at what a guy will do to appease his family.” It’s a thread that we were reminded of over and over again. Tony told Dr. Melfi in “Two Tonys” that what Tony Soprano does to feed his family shouldn’t be confused with Tony the Man as they’re two different people. It was touching to see Tony in his house at Christmas with both his “families.” No ambiguity. No wondering if the power went out. Personally, when I watch my DVDs, I stop right there.

But, alas, Chase chickened out and ended with the infamous cut to black. He’s slipped up and said that, yes, Tony was dead. But who really cares now? He danced around the answer for 17 years and now we’ve moved on. He ruined his own show with his indecisiveness.

My Stupid Week.

I need to take a moment to log a confession on here for a couple of different reasons. First, I want a record of this past week as a frame of reference just in case I have ANOTHER stupid week, I want to be able to go back and compare how it stacks up to this one.

Secondly, I want people to know that they might not be alone as they’re starting to come out of 2 months of cabin fever.

I don’t think in my entire life I’ve ever had 5 days where I’ve suffered from more lapses in mental awareness than I did this week.

First and foremost, I walked out of the gym on Wednesday and left my gym bag with all my clothes, expensive watch, ring, shoes, belt, and Bose headphones. Just walked out and left it on the bench. I’ve been going to the gym since high school and I don’t think I’ve ever done that. I’ve forgotten my lock a couple of times, but that’s small. I left the WHOLE DAMN BAG at the gym on the bench.

The second brain lapse I had was when I was meeting with a client and we were signing some paperwork and I noticed that the man had written 06-04-2020 on the paperwork. We had been talking about how he was in the military because of his father and I assumed that he had written the date wrong. I said, “I know you’re military, but you need to put the 04 before the 06.... we have to have the month...........” and my words trailed off because I realized what I had done.

I thought it was April.

Some people lose a day or two during COVID. I lost 2 months. I think it was because I hadn’t filled out any paperwork in 2 months so my brain was automatically set to the last set of numbers that I was writing and those forms were dated APRIL (4) not June (6). I felt like such an ass. I couldn’t stop apologizing, but thankfully, my client thought it was funny.

The final act of dullness happened today as I ventured out of the house (I should have just locked myself in my bedroom and waited until Monday. I’m obviously functioning on a lean mixture). I stopped by the UPS store and I looked across the street and saw a bunch of people with signs by the traffic light waving them at cars. They were a good couple hundred yards away so I just watched for a bit. I also saw the Sheriff’s Officer SUV parked with its lights on. Now this is right by our neighborhood grocery store where a lot of my neighbors shop. So I jumped on our Facebook group for the neighborhood and I posted the following:

🚨🚨🚨Protest near [grocery store]. Sheriff’s Office is present. Doesn’t look bad... mostly soccer mom types. 🚨🚨🚨

I felt like I was doing my civic duty for the neighborhood...

...UNTIL...

My phone starts blowing up with notifications on the post. I start looking at them and the Group Leader tags me in a message that says, “Are you sure that’s a protest? The graduation parade is today.”

Our local high school is having a graduation parade where the cars drive by the parents who wave and made cute signs (that I couldn’t read because they’re so far away and it was really bright). I thought it was another protest. I quickly deleted the post.

So that’s it. I’m done until Monday. I would not be surprised if the government steps in, knocks on the door tomorrow and says, “We need your organs, so we’re putting you to sleep.” I really wouldn’t put up much of a fight after the week that I had. It would be completely justified given what I did this week.

Yes. The quarantine affected me. Severely. I really hope that it’s like the gym and after missing a few weeks it starts coming back after a handful of workouts. Otherwise, someone is getting my kidney.

The Proper Order In Which To Watch the Marvel MCU (with one tweak)

In the immortal words of Shermer High School alumnus John Bender, “Nuttin’ to do when you’re locked in a vacancy,” it seems like a pretty good time to sit back on your sofa under government order and watch 2 days worth of Marvel movies, and yes, that includes the Edward Norton “Incredible Hulk.”

Today was the day I decided to kick it off; however, with a catalog that spans 23 movies I am again confronted with the age-old question, “In what order do you watch them?”

I have Apple TV at home and one of the best features allows you to make playlists on your Mac which the device can read and then the list plays beginning to end. You can do the same with movies as you do with music playlists. As an avid DVD collector, I amassed all 23 movies individually as the were released to add to my collection. I had not added “Endgame,” “Captain Marvel,” and “Far From Home” so before beginning, I ran to the computer to add them to the playlist, but that’s where I ran into my dilemma.

Specifically, where to put “Captain Marvel.”

The movie creates a strange problem as the movie’s actions take place in the 90’s however, the post-credit sequence fast-forwards to literally the beginning of “Endgame.”

Now this isn’t a huge deal if you’ve seen all these movies before, but if you’re literally sitting down and watching all these movies for the first time, you’re going to see characters in that post-credits sequence that either A) confuse the hell out of you, B) spoil the movie, or C) both.

The other situation is to put “Captain Marvel” in its slot by release date, which set it right between “Infinity War” and “Endgame.” The issue here is, you hit the cliffhanger at the end of “Infinity War” and then jump back 30 years to cram in Carol Danvers and her nonsense.

Now this is my personal Apple TV and I’ve seen all these movies multiple times, but a playlist is a playlist and it needs to be kept pure.

There are two prevailing “orders” in which you can watch the Marvel MCU. One is by release date, one is in chronological order.

Here, then, is the chronological viewing order of the Marvel movies:

If you want to watch in order of release date...

Notice that “Captain Marvel” appears in two very different places on both lists.

There’s a solution/cheat that fixes all of this. Watch “Captain Marvel” in its chronological spot, but save the post-credit sequence for after “Infinity War.” That is ideal, but I can’t (and don’t want to) split the movie. Further, how does a first-time viewer know to do this. The answer is, they don’t. ‘

The solution is to create a hybrid list that follows the chronological events (meaning watching “Captain America: The First Avenger” before “Iron Man”) but putting “Captain Marvel” specifically in it’s release slot between “Infinity War” and “Endgame.”

Why?

Because it’s better watch Captain Marvel as a flashback, rather than an out of order spoiler due to a weird post-credit sequence.

This accomplishes and fixes several issues:

•It preserves the Black Widow reveal in “Iron Man 2.” - When we meet Pepper Potts’ assistant in “Iron Man 2” she’s the sexy kick-boxing savvy Natasha Romanov. Later in the movie, she’s revealed to be S.H.I.E.L.D double agent Black Widow. Showing her in the second movie of the playlist destroys this reveal.

•Recasting James Rhodes gets REALLY confusing - You’ll see Don Cheadle as Rhodes aka “Iron Patriot” in the post-credits sequence of “Captain Marvel.” Then you get to “Iron Man” in Movie 3 and it’s Terrance Howard. Only to THEN get thrown for a loop and it switches back to Don Cheadle in “Iron Man 2.”

•You have no idea who Mark Ruffalo is - Assuming you’ve watched nothing in the MCU you see Dr. Banner aka Hulk in the “Captain Marvel” post credit sequence and you’ll have no idea who he is. He’s never mentioned by name and he makes a couple of filler comments to get to the Danvers re-appearance. Again, he gets recast when you watch “The Incredible Hulk” only to see him re-cast AGAIN in “The Avengers.”

•The “Where’s Fury?” line loses all punch - If you watch the movies chronologically, you meet Nick Fury in the post-credits of “Captain America: The First Avenger.” Then you watch Captain Marvel ask “Where’s Fury?” It’s a huge spoiler that tips everyone off that Fury disappears somehow somewhere.

•Let’s be honest. “Captain Marvel” was lousy and we can jam it anywhere - Yeah, I said it. Get your pitchforks and torches and I’ll see you on my lawn. “But ADAM! It made over a BILLION DOLLARS!” I know how much money it made. The truth is, they jammed “Captain Marvel” between Infinity War’s cliffhanger and Endgame’s massive conclusion. We were so desperate for anything MCU at that point, a video of Peter Parker working on his web shooters for 90 minutes would have made a billion for half the cost. I really resent the “girl power makes money” narrative when it was strategically placed after the biggest cliffhanger in movie history next to “Empire Strikes Back.” Judged against the rest of the MCU, it’s definitely in the bottom third along with “Thor: The Dark World” and “Iron Man 2.” The attempt to use 90’s nostalgia to curry favor with the audience (ASIDE: Nine Inch Nails is NOT “grunge,”) was disingenuous. We smirked derisively when greeted with images of Blockbuster Video and Windows 95, but it was all a ploy to cover a fairly inconsequential script that really accomplished nothing other than introduce Captain Marvel herself as a character which could have been done via flashback in another movie.

In conclusion, this is the proper order to watch the Marvel MCU while you’re stuck at home, waiting patiently for the government to say the Constitution still exists and it’s okay to live by....

Captain America: The First Avenger (WWII)

Iron Man (2010)

Iron Man 2

The Incredible Hulk (pre-Avengers, sends Banner to the Third World)

Thor (pre-Avengers)

The Avengers (2012)

Iron Man 3 (deals w/ Tony Stark’s PTSD post Avengers)

Thor: Dark World (post-Avengers but pre-Ultron)

Captain America: Winter Soldier (post-Avengers but pre-Ultron)

Guardians of the Galaxy 1 & 2 together (could go after Ultron, but I like it here)

Avengers: Age of Ultron

Ant-Man (takes place in 2015)

Captain America: Civil War (aka Ant-Man 1.5)

Spider-Man: Homecoming (aka Civil War 1.5)

Doctor Strange (2016)

Black Panther (2017)

Thor: Ragnarok (post-Ultron, pre-Infinity War, but fits best here)

Avengers: Infinity War (aka Ragnarok 1.5 as it builds on the post-credit sequence)

Ant-Man and The Wasp (aka Civil War 1.75, but goes here because post-credit sequence spoils the “snap.”)

Captain Marvel (viewed as a flashback, then post-credits bring us right into Endgame)

Avengers: Endgame (starts in 2017, finishes in 2022)

Spider-Man: Far From Home (Endgame 1.5)

LIBERAL LIE: “ANYONE can buy a gun on-line with no background check!” Here’s the truth because I did it...

What I am going to type out here is the time line involved in a single purchase of a handgun over the internet. Why am I doing this? Because in the light of the last mass shooting that occurred in Texas, know-nothing liberals who learned all that they know about guns from the “Die Hard 25th Anniversary Blu-Ray Box Set” are blowing up Twitter with their inane and ridiculous comments about what actually happened and what needs to be done to end “gun violence.” 

Keep in mind that none of these things will actually work, but whatever. 

One of the things I constantly hear from the anti-gun crowd is the ease in which you can buy a gun on-line. Somehow, going on-line to purchase a weapon circumvents a lot of the red tape put up by the government to keep us all safe and those dastardly Republicans with their camo hats and Pabst beer don’t want to close this loophole that will INSTANTLY transform America into a Utopia of hugs and kisses and puppies and fairy sprinkles. 

It’s not true. Any of it. And to prove it, I went through the process and documented everything to show you what happens. 

August 30, 2019 - 11:20pm: Surfing the internet, I saw an incredible offer for a handgun being offered at a legitimate gun store in Kansas. Put the item in my cart, checked out using a credit card.

Morning of August 31, 2019: read the confirmation email that asked me to have my local gun dealer contact the store in Kansas verifying that they are licensed to accept a mailed firearm & run a background check. I responded to the email w/ a general question about an ambiguous statement in the email that I needed to have clarified. 

Sept. 1, 2019: No response.

Sept. 2, 2019: No response.

Sept. 3, 2019: Still no response... resorted to being obnoxious and started faxing multiple copies of my email to the fax number on the Kansas store’s web site complaining that they aren’t answering emails. After about 12 faxes, they emailed me back answering my question. It turns out, my local gun store didn’t not have updated info on file and they needed to update their records. 

Sept. 3, 2019 - 10:34am: Called my local gun store and told them to call the store in Kansas to acknowledge my order and verify shipping to receive my order. The clerk at my local gun store told me that handguns are normally shipped via Fed Ex. 

Sept. 4, 2019 - 1:09pm: Received an e-mail from Kansas store. My gun has been shipped via 2-day air to my local gun store. Estimated delivery is Friday, Sept. 6, 2019. 

Sept. 6, 2019 - 12:20pm: Received text from USPS that my firearm was delivered to my local gun store. I get in the car and head on over. 

1:00pm: Clerk at the store said that just because they received the gun in the mail doesn’t mean that it’s ready to be transferred. He said they have to do some paperwork to document where the gun came from before they can transfer ownership to me.... I decide to go to lunch.

4:11pm: I’m back at the gun store. The clerk says the gun is in their system and they can start the process of transferring it over to me. I fill out the form for the BACKGROUND CHECK. Yes, you read that correctly. The BACKGROUND CHECK. 

Despite what every Democratic candidate is tweeting about right now, you cannot buy a gun on-line without going through a background check. There is no loophole here. I fill out the form and hand it in along with my DRIVER’S LICENSE... yes, you need ID to purchase an on-line firearm as well...and my concealed carry permit. Why did I hand in my permit? Because in Florida, if you have a CCP, the state waives the mandatory 3-day waiting period on handgun purchases. In 2018, Florida enacted a mandatory waiting period between the purchase and delivery of any firearm sold by a licensed firearm dealer. The mandatory waiting period is either 3 days, excluding weekends and holidays, or the time it takes to complete the required criminal background check—whichever occurs later; however, if you have a CCP, this is waived since you are fingerprinted in the CCP application process. I also had to pay $42 for the transfer fee and background check. 

4:39p: My background check came back as clear, and the gentleman handed me the box with my Sig Sauer P320 pistol in it. 

Total time to purchase the gun: about 7 days. 

Summary: Not a bad experience overall. Seven days could have been shorter if it wasn’t for the customer service issues I had at the beginning. I never got to speak to a live person at the store in Kansas despite leaving a voicemail. They did send me emails after I became a pain and tried to cripple their fax machine with nonsense, so it’s safe to say I won’t be shopping THERE anymore regardless of how good the deal is. I wanted to document this process to dispel a lot of the lies and purposeful misinformation that gets put out on Twitter and social media by the anti-gun crowd. Literally, 90% of what they say is inaccurate, false, or purposely deceptive. 

Conclusion: If you’re legally purchasing a gun, it’s probably LESS time consuming to do it locally (although it might be more expensive because you might find a better a deal on-line). If someone is going to commit a crime with a legally purchased weapon, there’s no point in going through the on-line transfer process because you save NO TIME and dodge NO RED TAPE. You’re adding shipping time, transfer time, multiple trips to the gun store, not to mention you’re dealing with multiple people AND the Post Office (which is a disaster for another column). Regulating the on-line market is just going to make it more difficult for patient, bargain-hunters to find a firearm, not impulsive mass shooters. 

Comey the Coward, the Traitor

I remember sitting in my car in July of 2016 after walking out of a client appointment listening to the LIVE broadcast of James Comes reading his statement about what he found regarding the Hillary Clinton/e-mail server investigation. He kept saying over and over, they found extremely sensitive, classified, and privleged information on that unsecured server and she transmitted those documents to people who weren't cleared to have them. I remember thinking to myself, "They got her. Oh my God, this is happening right now.”

Then, the conversation took a turn. Comey broke out the infamous phrase “extremely careless” and basically told everyone listening that “Well, she didn’t MEEEEEEEEAN it,” and let her walk. I couldn’t believe what had happened. I immediately thought about getting pulled over for speeding in the future and telling the cop, “I wasn’t speeding. I was merely extremely careless monitoring my speed.”

My initial thought (keep in mind, this is pre-Trump and we didn’t know the depths of the VERIFIED depths that the Obama administration working with the Democrats and the intelligence community along with other rogue FBI agents had sunk to in an effort to undermine Trump and exonerate Hillary on her path to the White House) was that Comey knew what he had found was damning; however, he did not want to be the guy who single-handedly delivered the message that took out the Democratic candidate for president and send them scrambling for a pinch hitter. He’d be in history books FOREVER as the man who sunk the Democratic party. When I sat in my car, dumbfounded, I really thought he was just a coward who didn’t want to be a page in an American history textbook. 

The past three years have basically shown how wrong I was. Comey was in on the fix as well and the release of the Inspector General’s report today shows that Comey purposely kept personal memos after his (justified) termination with the intention to leak them to the press further solidifies the case against him and the Democrats (who, to this day, are STILL squawking about “obstruction of JUSTICE.” “Justice” being the plot to undermine the duly elected president). 

What I Learned Talking About Guns For 5 Days

Like clockwork, every single left-wing activist who owns the box set of “Die Hard” on Blu-Ray and thinks they’re a firearms expert, projectile vomited all over social media with their demands for “new and innovative” gun control measures that would thwart (or would have thwarted) the next tragic mass shooting.

Rather than be snarky and debate the merits of gun control (which have failed in the Chicago, Los Angeles, and New York) I took a decidedly different position this time around. I purposely asked questions of everyone who posted their anger about the lack of gun control that SURELY would have stopped the shootings in Dayton, Ohio and El Paso, Texas. My goal was to learn exactly why those who wanted gun control wanted what they wanted and why they thought their solution would work.

The results were both surprising and not surprising at the same time. Here are the six things that I learned after five days of endless commenting on Facebook and Twitter:

• People overwhelmingly think that universal background checks are the fix-all for mass shootings: The person who gathered the most shrapnel in the gun control argument this past week was Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. “If ONLY he would bring the gun control bill that passed the House to the floor of the Senate! BLOOOOOOOOD is on his HANDS!!” To read social media you would think this is it. This bill is the Holy Grail, the Ark of the Covenant, and the Infinity Gauntlet all wrapped into one. We’ll be able to melt the faces of any shooter who dares to try and shoot up a mall, IF ONLY Charles Manson McConell would bring the damn bill to the Senate floor. Anyone who waxed poetic about this bill, I asked what was in the bill that would have stopped these past two shootings. Everyone bounced back with he response “universal background checks.” I would then ask what universal background checks actually did. To their credit, everyone actually tried to answer... no one got it right. One of my favorite responses was “...background checks are not universal, don’t cover enough of a check, and don’t typically include waiting periods.” So apparently a “universal” background check will...what? Check for crimes you might have committed in another galaxy? It’s intergalactic gunmen who are perpetrating these shootings. The truth is, a universal background check adds a specific transaction to the list of firearm transactions that require a background check. It means that you can’t sell your pistol on Craigslist to someone who answers your ad. The anti-gun crowd will reference something call the “gun show loophole” which does not exist because you don’t need a gun show to sell a gun to another person. Of the mass shootings that occurred over the past 10 years, guess how many shooters acquired their gun via this method. Exactly ZERO. Either they purchased the gun legally (Dayton, El Paso, San Bernardino), stole them (Sandy Hook), or the system failed on a governmental level to prevent someone who should not own a gun from getting one (Charleston). No shooter blindly bought a weapon at a gun show from an unsuspecting seller. Now the unintended consequence of this means that in order to buy your wife a gun, before you give it to her, she needs a background check. If you want to sell a gun to your neighbor, the neighbor needs a background check. And each one of those costs money. Heaven forbid you oppose a universal background check... you’re met with “YOU LOVE SEEING DEAD CHILDREN, DON’T YOU?!?” Regardless, a universal background check would have stopped exactly zero shootings.

•People STILL don’t know what a “semi-automatic” weapon is: “No one outside of the military has need (sic) for a weapon that fires multiple rounds of bullets,” was my favorite response. “Multiple rounds of bullets.” My head is sore from palm-slapping my face. Failure to actually know what a semi-automatic weapon is isn’t limited to idiots on the internet. Hillary didn’t know. Bernie didn’t know. It’s sad that the people who know the least about guns are the ones making the policies. In short, a semi-automatic gun fires ONE round per ONE pull of the trigger. Upon firing another round is chambered and if you pull the trigger again, a second round will fire. In truth, most modern revolvers function the same way as the cylinder spins moving the next bullet into firing position. To put it another way, it’s a gun that fires one bullet at a time each time you pull the trigger. To put it even another way, it means that your gun will fire exactly one bullet when you pull the trigger one time. Does it sound like I typed the same thing three times? It should, because I did. And despite that, it STILL won’t sink in. Again, this is where the “Die Hard Box Set” people become dangerous because they think you’re just unloading streams of bullets and you’re not. You’re talking about an AUTOMATIC weapon. If you want to know what an automatic weapon is and you like getting your gun knowledge from movies, watch the last ten minutes of “Rambo: First Blood Part II.” Speaking of the military, that leads me to my next point....

•People think the guns you buy at Walmart or sporting goods stores are the same ones the military use: I had someone tell me that because of the “gun show loophole” it allows people to access to “weapons of war” because those guns don’t legally meet the requirements for a background check. “Thus, easy access to a weapon of war,” he responded smugly. Oh, you poor little simpleton. NO. The military does NOT use AR-15s or AK-47s (which is hilarious because an AK-47 is Russian). The military uses AUTOMATIC weapons which are (for the most part) illegal for civilians unless you jump through a bunch of hoops and pay a LOT of fees. They’re RARELY used in crime. I honestly think sharp sticks are use more in crimes than automatic weapons, although I could use a SNOPES fact check on that one.

• They’re obsessed with telling you what you NEED: “No one NEEEEEEEDS a weapon of war capable of killing millions of people! Next you’ll want a NUCLEAR BOMB!” Oy vey. Did Rosa Parks NEED to sit at the front of the bus? The back of the bus was going to the same place as the front. Your rights are unequivocal and don’t have to be justified to anyone. Can I tell a gay person “you don’t NEED to marry your partner. You can just live with them and share bills?” No, of course not.

•No one can tell you what an assault rifle is: When someone would post that they wanted assault weapons banned I would instantly reply, “Well, what’s an assault rifle?” to which I am greeted with “Well it’s a weapon that can shoot a lot of bullets at once time” or something to that effect. The Assault Weapons Ban of 1994 which is now expired actually went so far as to define an “assault weapon” very clearly, but no one has thought to go and read these parameters. Oddly enough, all of the criteria for defining an assault weapon was based on cosmetic features. For example, a pistol grip, a collapsible stock, a barrel shroud, a threaded barrel, and even a bayonet lug (that’s the connection apparatus for a bayonet. You don’t nee to HAVE a bayonet, you just need the lug to connect one if you choose). None of these features change the functionality of the weapon in ANY WAY. Even the New York Times had to admit the term was invented by Democrats when they wanted to ban SOME KIND of guns.

• Finally, if you try and explain any of these details to set the record straight in the interest of accuracy, you will be called “ignorant,” or be accused of using “talking points” or you’re attempting to create confusion with “semantics”: Heaven forbid you want to help someone STOP looking like an imbecile. In one conversation, I provided nothing but definitions and facts I cut and pasted from the Florida Department of Law Enforcement’s web site. Someone told me “I got sick of seeing your ignorant GOP posts and talking points.” When I defined the myth of the “gun show loophole” to someone I was told “don’t battle wordplay with me dude.” Providing an accurate definition of something is “wordplay.” “You like to use semantics to win arguments.” Uh yeah... they’re called facts.

So what I learned in this exercise in futility is that the gun control crowd isn’t interested in facts. They’ve basically invented or imagined these issues in their head and legitimate efforts to set the record straight are met with tears and tantrums like a 10 year old being told there was no Santa Claus. And I purposely stayed away from philosophical or legal debates while doing this; I stuck to the dictionary. In closing, no one is going to win this argument. There’ s just varying degrees of losing.... and laughing at how idiotic the other side is.

Complaints After Seeing “Avengers: Endgame”

We are a week removed from the release of “Avengers: Endgame.” After seeing it last Friday night, I pretty much went on a tear reading every interview, analysis, and commentary I could find all over the interwebs. I noticed that there was a commonality between a lot of the questions that people generated after a first pass through the movie. But this isn’t about questions, it’s about complaints and grievances.

First and foremost, a quick review: I absolutely loved it. It takes a lot of skill to wrap up 22 movies and that’s probably why the movie was three hours long, but the writers deserve a special pat on the back for not re-treading through old story lines in an effort to bring people up to speed. For example, Captain Marvel just shows up... no explanation. You were expected to have seen “Captain Marvel” back in March. You were required to know who she was and what she could do, and if you didn’t... well, that’s on you. 

Now, to be the prissy little diva that people expect me to be, I’m going to list my petty, whiny complaints. Why? Well they’re the most fun because I am never truly satisfied with anything. 

Thanos’ death wasn’t good enough: Honestly, he deserved worse. MUCH worse. They spent 22 movies building Thanos up to be this God-like villain who was almost invincible. When push came to shove and it was time to finish him off, he sat down and got dusted after Tony Stark/Iron-Man snapped his fingers. 

There were so many characters in the Marvel MCU that deserved to pull the trigger on Thanos. Drax’s family was murdered by Thanos. Nebula was taken apart a piece at a time for disappointing him. Thor lost half of the survivors of Asgard along with his brother, Loki, to Thanos’ genocide. Gamora deserved revenge for her mother’s death which we saw in “Infinity War.” Hawkeye saw his three children and wife disappear during a Hallmark-moment family picnic (Aside: there was a 15.6% chance of Hawkeye’s whole family being dusted with him surviving. Yikes,). So to just see him sit down, accept his fate, and turn into the contents of a 77 El Camino’s ashtray was a little anticlimactic. I actually said out loud in the theater, “That’s it?”

Really? Rats walking on the keyboard? : The big question after seeing the trailers leading up to “Endgame” had to have been “How does Ant-Man get out of the Quantum Realm since we saw Hope, Janet, and Hank get dusted on the rooftop in the “Ant-Man & the Wasp” post-credit sequence. I was thinking the surviving Avengers would get some lead about Ant-Man that would lead them to the van or something. Maybe his daughter finds the van (in the comics, she takes up the Ant-Man role) while looking for her dad. But no. Random rats just happen to stroll across the control panel and they happen to hit the “retrieve” button which just HAPPENS to bring Ant-Man back from the Quantum Realm. C’mon. That’s just lazy writing right there.

Stark’s Infinity Gauntlet Was Good Enough to House the Infinity Stones? In “Infinity War,” Thor travels to Nidavellir, a distant planet next to a dying star, to see Eitri (Peter Dinklage) about forging a new weapon to fight Thanos since Thor’s hammer was destroyed in “Thor: Ragnarok.” While conversing about the events that have gone down, we’re told that Thanos sought out Eitri about creating the Infinity Gauntlet for the express purpose of housing the six Infinity stones. We’re even shown the mold. 

It’s pretty much an understatement that to say that the Infinity Stones are powerful and I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that it would require something very special in order to harness all their power. Quite frankly, if I had to lay a bet, I’d say a molten glove forged from the heat of a dying star would do the trick. But to find out later on in the movie that Tony Stark was just able to cobble one together using old armor parts with Earth-harvested materials is a little much. Not to mention, whatever metal he used to make the Stark Gauntlet had the exact durability of the star-forged-space model. Not to mention, he was smart enough to make a gauntlet, but knowing what a snap did to monsters like the Hulk and Thanos, he couldn’t have beefed up his own version a little more to protect himself? It seems short sighted for a genius-level weapons engineer.

The Stones are still out there: “Avengers: Endgame” is supposed to mark the end of this entire storyline in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Truthfully, it was wrapped up pretty tight with major story lines closed. However, Steve Rogers aka Captain America takes the Infinity Stones back to the spots in the timeline where they “borrowed” them from. That means, quite frankly, another megalomaniac can grab a stone and start this mess all over again. As definitive as the end of “Endgame” was, there’s still an opening for the dreaded “reboot.” Oh boy, get ready for gender-flipped “Iron Man” a la “Ghostbusters” in 2025.

Nebula killing herself should have created a time paradox: If someone invents a time machine at noon, it won’t be 12:05 before someone brings up the rules of time travel established by “Back to the Future.” For some reason, we, as a society, have decided that of all of the time travel rules that we’ve learned as a result of pop culture, it’s “Back to the Future’s” rules that we are committing to the Constitution of Time Travel (I’m sure some of “Terminator” is going to be sprinkled in there as well). Even in “Endgame,” we are treated to Scott Lang, professional cat burglar, pontificating about time travel and casually dropping the rules about time travel including “no talking to our past selves, no betting on sporting events...” Professor Hulk throws cold water on the whole theory by saying, “If you travel to the past, that past becomes your FUTURE. And your former present becomes the past. Which can’t now be changed by your new FUTURE.” 

Still with me? Head explode yet?

Nebula’s case was driving me nuts for a solid week because in order for Endgame Nebula to become Endgame Nebula she had to evolve from Past Nebula. The two confront themselves toward the end of “Endgame” and EG-Nebula shoots P-Nebula. Now, P-Nebula doesn’t have the opportunity to evolve into EG-Nebula so EG-Nebula should CEASE TO EXIST because the events that turn P-Nebual into EG-Nebula will never happen and therefore EG-Nebula won’t come to be.

I get what Professor Hulk was saying, but the Nebula’s case is different because it’s literally the same person on the same timeline, just at two different points, that were brought together at a single common point in time. Quite frankly, using my time travel theory, P-Nebula COULD have killed EG-Nebula because then P-Nebula could still evolve into EG-Nebula; however the door doesn’t swing both ways since time is linear (which was confirmed by The Ancient One in another scene). 

I thought a better ending would have been for P-Nebula to kill EG-Nebula and when it looks like Thanos is about to re-snap the world again, P-Nebula turns on him and finishes him off. Why? Well you have to go back to “Guardians of the Galaxy.” 

“Guardians Vol. 1″ revolves around the acquisition of the Power Stone. Ronan the Accuser acquires the stone and wants to head to Xandar to destroy the planet. Nebula and her sister Gamora have been sub-contracted to assist Ronan in getting the Power Stone on behalf of Thanos; however, when Ronan realizes what he has, he tells Thanos to piss off and he’s keeping it for himself. Ronan is going to destroy Xandar and then come for Thanos (who at this moment is stoneless). Nebula who watches the FaceTime call Ronan has with Thanos turns on her father. She says, “You see what he’s turned me into. You kill him, I will help you destroy a thousand planets.” It’s apparent that even way back then, Nebula was harboring some awful feelings for her father who turned her into a cyborg for losing sibling fights with her sister. 

In “Endgame,” P-Nebula comes from the “Guardians Vol. 1″ spot in time, so it’s safe to say that she is still harboring these terrible feelings for her dad. It would have been poetic justice if she turns on him right when he’s about to fulfill his destiny. 

Yes. These are petty, but I have a petty mind that questions things like this. I just hope that when you commit to 22 movies, you put a LITTLE more thought into the plot. I mean, c’mon.

Oh, before I forget. “Spoiler Alert.” You probably should not have read all of the above stuff if you haven’t seen “Avengers: Endgame.” Consider yourself warned. 

There’s Exactly One Way to Save the Current Star Wars Trilogy

The world is going to by hyper-focused on “Avengers: Endgame” for at least another few weeks, with a slight dip in interest when we get our Episode IX trailer which is (rumored) to be coming on April 12th at Star Wars Celebration in Chicago. If the Episode VII and VIII trailers were any indications as to what we can expect, we’ll see a few new vehicles, exasperated sweaty faces, and zero clues as to what the movie is actually about.

After a lackluster Episode VII and the unfortunate reception of “Solo,” the mood surrounding Episode IX is just kind of “meh.” I even read that Mark Hamill, himself, was saying that America might be suffering from “Star Wars fatigue.”

The truth is, we’re wedged two-thirds of the way through a trilogy that saw a director and writer change after Act I that literally took the story in an unplanned direction and BOY, did it show. The whole idea of Act I is to set the characters in motion for a conflict in Act II, but director Rian Johnson stepped in for JJ Abrams  and abandoned multiple plot points that Star Wars fans became emotionally invested in. The result was a jumbled mess called “The Last Jedi.” Just to name a few:

• We’re led to believe Captain Phasma is some kind of bad-ass, chromed-out, super-soldier Stormtrooper; however, in two movies she gets bested by one of her trainees, not once, but twice and ends up presumably dead. Watch: if she shows up again, Finn will literally kill her a third time. She’s like the Jason Voorhees of Star Wars.

• Somehow, after the Death Star was destroyed, the Emperor was killed, and Luke defeated Darth Vader (Episode VI), someone named Supreme Leader Snoke sneaks in, picks up all the pieces of the Empire, gets them cooler uniforms, builds “Starkiller Base” (Episode VII), recruits Han and Leia’s son to run things and basically picks up exactly where the old Empire left off, rebranding themselves as “The First Order.” Who the hell is this guy? Well, you’re not going to find out because he got cut in half. 

• Going into the “It Worked Last Time” bin, we get teased with a little “Who are Rey’s parents?” flashback in Episode VII only to be told they’re just a couple of drunk people who sold her for beer money. What? 

Not only that, but the “Rebellion” who were supposed to somehow be victorious after “Return of the Jedi,” never even got their feet underneath them as they tried to restore the Republic in the galaxy. Stop and think about that for a second. All that work for three movies (four, if you want to slip “Rogue One” in there as a preface)... stealing the Death Star plans, blowing up the Death Star, running and hiding on Hoth, restarting the Jedi order, sneaking on to Endor and the only living Jedi in the universe takes down TWO Sith Lords. And for what? To hand the universe back to Skinny Emperor the Sequel in a handful of years? Who’s running the Rebellion? Paul Ryan?

Since “The Last Jedi” was released we actually have found out that JJ Abrams had a full three-movie treatment set up for Episodes VII, VIII, and IX, but when he stepped away from directing VIII, he basically told Rian Johnson “do whatever you like.” I honestly don’t think that he expected Rian to take him QUITE so literally and that’s most likely the reason JJ is back for Episode IX in what is most certainly a salvage operation.

But where are we in the story? We’re down to like 12 Rebels on the Millennium Falcon. Kylo Ren is leading First Order now. We know Leia is going to get it it somehow in IX thanks to Carrie Fisher’s unfortunate passing. Billy Dee Williams returns as Lando Calrissian but given the track record of original trilogy actors, I have even money that he flies the Falcon in a suicide mission, if Rose can stay out of the way this time. Snoke is dead. Luke is dead. Han is dead. Really the only expected outcome is Rey somehow defeats Kylo and it’s “Jedi” all over again... how predictable.

Not so fast.

Any scenario where Rey “wins” or the Rebellion triumphs is just going to be scoffed at as “who didn’t see that coming” and it will be the culmination of a disjointed, poorly told story.

Here’s how you salvage this mess.... the First Order wins.

Yes. Think about it:  Kylo Ren kills Rey in combat. Finn and Rose go out like Vasquez in “Aliens” grasping a thermal detonator in an air duct somewhere. You blow up the Falcon, with Lando AND Chewy on it (sorry, Chewy). Poe.... you know, I really don’t care about Poe. He’s so disposable. His name in the credits should just be “BB-8′s Owner.”

And you let Kylo get everything he wanted only to realize that he didn’t want it in the first place and that by “winning” he actually lost. It’s basically “White Men Can’t Jump” but with lightsabers. He killed his mother, his father, and the orphaned girl of drunken traders that he crushed on (guys love a “project”) and sadly, like Alexander the Great he will weep as there are no more worlds to conquer. Not everything can be a happy ending. Episode V is widely regarded as the best single entry in the Star Wars series and why? Because, like Dante said in “Clerks,” it ends on a down note, and that’s what life is - a series of down endings. 

That’s the only way through this. It’s the only unexpected thing you can do at this point to make this trilogy truly memorable. I’ll be honest: the prequels are better that what we have at this point. YES. I said it.

THE PREQUELS ARE BETTER THAN “THE FORCE AWAKENS” + “THE LAST JEDI.” 

I’ll take Jar Jar over Rose. I’ll take pouty Anakin over crabby, menopausal Luke. 

With “Endgame” just a few short weeks away, this is me, channeling my inner-Dr. Strange and seeing all the possible scenarios for Episode IX. There are 14,000,605 paths Star Wars can take. Exactly one doesn’t suck.