Making love to a rose bush is painfully romantic.
The A. G. Machine
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If your definition of maturity is that you no longer laugh at farts… Then you’re just fucking boring.
The A. G. Machine
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It's 11:00 P. M. Do you know where your children are? Because I do. Your goddam kids are shitting all over my lawn gnomes.
Old Man Molasses
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Let's be honest, you've ripped the cord for the ghost parachute to some weird National Geographic tribal shit before. Don't lie.
The A. G. Machine
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You ever drop a deuce, and then realize you have no toilet paper? So then you just pull up your pants and go forever mud-flaps? Like that's normal right?
The A. G. Machine
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I like when I get more followers on social networks. It's like I'm leading the conga line, and when people see it's me, they can't help but to join in. #danceparty.
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I like twitter because you can talk to celebrities. Even if they don't respond. They ignore me just like in real life.
The A. G. Machine
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Evan Turner, I think you're supposed to be in the special NBA.
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Pretty sure I just sharted at my desk in work. Hopefully no one comes to talk to me within the next 5 minutes.
The A. G. Machine
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Is there already a spoof porn of “The Walking Dead” called “The Fucking Dead”? If not, how is that possible? Also, how can I sign up to make it?
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The iPhones are so sexy without their case. If my wife ever divorces me I'm probably just going to have to marry my phone. I guess it'll get a little crazy though. Having to get divorced and remarried every 2 years. I'd hate to have that conversation so many times.
The A. G. Machine
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