#you can always put translations and descriptions at the end of the fic if you want
Note
Hi Hal!
Congratulations on finishing all the requests (there were so many good ones!!) and thank you for opening them up again!! I’m excited to see what you have in store for us with all your other projects, bestie!!! 😊😊
I was unsure of who to request at first because there are so many good ones but then I saw Hesh’s name and an idea hit me.
If you’re ok with it, could you possibly write one for Hesh where the reader is part of the Ghosts has been taken/captured by the Federation and after some time, they get intel on where she is so they go out to rescue her and she and Hesh are reunited? I don’t know if you want it to be a pre-established relationship or one where they both admit their feelings after they get her back, so I’m leaving it up to you. But I need a little rescue/reunion fic to fill the void in my heart that the ending of Ghosts made.
As always, feel free to change it up as you see fit and do whatever you want. I just think that Hesh deserves more love and I wouldn’t be opposed to seeing Riley again (aka: the best dog in the world)!!
Thank you and remember to take care of yourself and I appreciate you and your work!! 💕💕 Love you, bestie!!!!
Lengths Of Love
PAIRING: David 'Hesh' Walker x F!Reader
SYNOPSIS: You'd loved Hesh for as long as you can remember, and you'd pulled him out of trouble for even longer, but you'd never had the courage to tell him how you feel. Until you do. Until you're being dragged away from his broken body.
WORDCOUNT: 10.7k
WARNINGS: Major spoilers for CoD: Ghosts, heavy angst, blood, guts, descriptions of wounds, canon-typical violence, weapons and firearms, death, torture involving: drugs/hallucinogens, physical violence, mental stress, talks of PTSD, anxiety, paranoia, rescue fic, best friends to lovers plot, wounds that would 100% kill you that you live from (plot armor fr), etc.
A/N: Bestie, I don't know what you put into your prompts, lmao, but I always end up writing so much for you!! Thanks so much for sending something in <3<3
*I do not give others permission to translate and/or re-publish my works on this or any other platform*
The beginning of the end started with good intentions and one statement.
“You hear this? It’s Rorke. He’s here. They’re evacuating on the train system below.” Hesh’s green eyes darted to you and Logan, his painted face a collection of rage and surety. The three of you were, in an instant, in agreement of revenge—there was no question as to what had to be done. Merrick couldn’t stop you, not on this.
Rorke had made one of the most dangerous decisions of his life, and that was underestimating the Walker boys and their partner in sinful crime.
“Harp,” you look away from the body of the warhead as it enters the atmosphere, locking onto Hesh’s hard eyes; the ones that had grown steadily colder since the death of his father, Elias. But it wasn’t just him—the patriarch had been close to you as well. The knowledge of his passing, witnessing it as the rope restraints seared into your flesh, had lit an all-consuming fire in your gut.
Like hounds, the scent of blood had hit the air.
“Let’s get the bastard. Now or never,” you ease out, and Logan darts his gaze down to you from behind his balaclava.
“Damn right,” Hesh barks, nodding firmly to you.
Anyone would have missed the way your gaze lingered on him as he darted off and began rushing down the stairs from the control room, Logan ever quick at his heels. But they wouldn’t have missed the way your breath pushed out a soft sigh as your eyes kept locked on the back of Hesh’s head as you followed after.
You’d been childhood friends since practically infancy, a neighbor to the Walkers. It was natural that Hesh would grow to be the object of your daydreams ever since grade school; a constant and digging knife into your heart when he’d repeatedly pick other girls over you.
But such was life.
All that mattered now was bringing down Rorke, silly love could wait.
“Merrick,” Hesh yelled down his line, the world outside this building rampant with open war. “The missile’s away and we’ve got a lead on Rorke, we’re going after him!”
The white double doors meet the three of you as you all rush to them, and the panicked man’s voice flashes down the line immediately.
“Negative Hesh! You three get back here and return to the rally point. We’ll track him down together.”
You call, “Isn’t an option, Merrick. We can’t let this one go.”
You and Hesh ram your shoulders into the doors, Logan darting through first with his weapon drawn down the hallway. The brunette’s and your shoulders brush in a jostling of gear—pulling the back as your eyes lock. Cold light seeps from overhead, metal under your feet clanking in-key.
You look away before Hesh agrees and levels with the Ghost over the line to push your point. “Sorry, Merrick. Your mission is complete…ours isn’t.”
Federation heads pop up from behind makeshift barriers of barrels and other stacked items and as you all enter and clear rooms, alarms blare with the ferocity of fighting lions. Hesh keeps by your side, offering you openings that you greedily take as another soldier falls with a stiff twitch of your finger on the trigger.
Darting behind cover, the man slams to the space beside you, calling over above the noise and the whizz of bullets.
“How long till impact?!” You shove a new clip into your FAD, brushing sweat and blood from your cheeks, smearing patches of your own paint.
Glancing at the watch on your wrist, you hear Logan pushing the line. You dart out of cover to help—locking onto hostiles and backing up the younger brother with quick feet.
“Eight minutes, Hesh! You got a plan that doesn’t leave me with scorched hair?” He finds it in himself to laugh, clocking a soldier to your left and riddling him with bullets.
“We need to get to that train, Harp. Don’t worry—I’ll kiss the burns away for you.” He rushes past and sends a smirk over his shoulder. You’re left stunned for a second, wishing that the teasing tilt to the older brother’s words was more than that. You blink, and the feeling is forced away.
Later.
“Keep pushing, Logan,” Hesh moves on. You all sprint down descending ramps, farther and farther underground with every step; adrenaline building to a breakneck level like weight slowly being added over and over to a chest. “We need to get to Rorke!”
You didn’t want to tell him, but, while revenge was on your plate as well, this was a very reckless idea.
As you grab for a grenade from your belt and jerk on the pin, you chuck it down the way and call out a warning to the boys, who, like a well-oiled machine, dart and wait for it to detonate. Bodies fly, bloody splashes of torn limbs, and three Ghosts materialize from the smoke with masked and painted faces; eyes like fire and veins boiling.
“Fire team suppressed in 3-1,” Hesh shouts through the line as you slide your knife into a man’s eye, his goggles breaking in a shattering of glass. “Advancing to loading bay!”
There’s a large elevator ahead for transporting crates, and all of you jog inside as the gate creaks shut.
Merrick’s stiff voice replies, “Roger that.”
Silently, you click into the channel and mutter out as a moment of relative peace coats your body like a blanket, even if for a few small seconds.
“I’ll keep ‘em safe,” a small twitch of your lips, “Commander.”
A deep and unimpressed voice wafts into your ear with a large sigh. “Know you will—just remember to keep yourself safe in the process, Kid…Don’t do anything stupid.”
You shift your gaze to Hash and find green already staring at you. Blinking, the man quickly darts his vision away and after a moment you turn your face back down to the connection and huff through a burning epidermis.
“Haven't you heard?” The elevator shows the train as it descends down, and you call to the boys, ‘six minutes’, with a firm voice.
“Stupid seems to follow us three everywhere.”
Hesh points as the figures of more soldiers walk around below. “There’s Rorke’s train, straight ahead!” Sure enough, the worm of black and gray metal extends to your eyes across the large room
“He’ll be on there soon. Logan, take left.” You order and the brown-eyed man nods from beside you, shouldering his rifle and checking the clip. “Hesh?”
“Taking right—you got Point, Doll.” He stares at you, licking his lips. “Clear the way?” You tilt your head at him as the elevator jumps to a stop, the barrier sliding away. It pains you to look away.
There were so many things you had to tell him. Too many things.
“Always.” Shiting your face forward, you take a breath and take notice of points of cover, scoping the room in three seconds flat. Screeching wheels and alarms ingrain your eardrums. “On me.”
As you head out first, fire the first bullet, the two peel off in opposite directions, Hesh only sliding up beside you and uttering into your ear.
“Be safe.”
That comment makes you want to be anything but, if only he’d whisper into your ear like that again.
Clearing the room, you can’t get your mind off the fact that this crush was overtaking nearly every part of your life—years of quiet agony and staying your tongue in fear of losing what great friendship you had.
The stock set into your shoulder recoils with another burst of fire, Federation soldiers scream in pain, but you barely register over the shadows in the sides of your vision.
“Damnit, Hesh,” you growl, bullet grazing your shoulder as you grunt and slip behind a concrete divider.
“What’s that?” Your eyes widen comedically. Shit…had you forgotten to close the line?
“Eh,” you clear your throat, grimacing at the small sparks of pain in your shoulder. “N-nothing.”
There’s a bout of silence and then a panting voice, rough and growing more serious.
“You alright over there, Harp?” You can’t even respond before Hesh quickly continues. “I’m comin’ to you. Stay there.”
You violently shake your head, although he can’t see it.
“Hesh, I’m fine! Keep right and clear that hallway.”
There’s a deep grunt. “Fine, but if I see one scratch I’m makin’ Riley chase you down the Base when we get back.”
If we get back.
You roll your eyes with a growing smile, steeling yourself and slamming your weapon to the top of the divider before locking onto your targets. “Please, we both know he loves me too much for that.”
“Most I’ll have to do is put a treat in your pocket, Sweetheart.” His sly smirk is heard easily, and you swallow tense-like and breathe shakily. That low drawl in his tone left you more distracted than you could ever get used to. “Hell,” There’s a struggle over the line before the shink of a knife meeting flesh. A breathless chuckle that leaves your gut swirling. “Maybe I’ll just chase you down myself.”
Logan coughs over the line and you have to click off before you scream. Your face flares up until your ears ring and you have to duck behind your cover again before you get metal right to the forehead.
Behind the barrier, you glare at the floor.
When did general teasing get so hard for you? Jokes and jabs carrying weight—since when? Sure you’d liked—more liked loved—Hesh since before all of this, but you’d carried on well enough.
“Fucking hell,” you grumble, shaking your head to clear it and rushing.
The brothers pop through the side hallways to flank the enemy, taking out the one or two hostiles that were still breathing after you level your barrel with the last standing head; firing with a burst of gunpowder.
“Train’s leaving, let's go!” Hesh screams, waving an arm quickly at you, walking backwards on quick feet. “Harp, C’mon!”
You chuff, hopping the divider and sprinting as the metal object speeds up—there’s a moment where you fear you might miss it, Hesh and Logan both forced to hop on even in your absence.
“Harp!” Green eyes flash, one hand on the railing and the other extended out.
“On it!” Snapping, you slam your palm into his and feel his strong fingers curl to clutch you. Logan grabs your collar and helps; the both of them easily yanking you over just as the wall of the tunnel engulfs you all in illuminated shadow.
Back meeting the train’s body, you pant and chuckle as Logan shakes his head, amused, and pats your shoulder. You wink at him jokingly.
“Good save there, Walker Number Two.”
Hesh grabs the side of your neck, looking you over as he leans back with a breathless chuckle at the title for his brother. He blinks quickly at your shoulder, eye narrowing before he reaches out and looks at the blood on your gear.
“You mind telling me what this is, Doll?” You make a nose in the back of your throat as the smell of his musk hits your nostrils; the deadly concoction of his scent and his digging gaze.
Stuttering, you huff. “Eh…bullet graze?”
You’re leveled with thin lips, but Logan grabs his brother by the upper arm and peels him off you, motioning to his radio as the train gains even more speed. Wind whips past your face as Hesh clears his throat, quickly avoiding your eyes.
The man’s splotchy paint shows his red skin under the darker pigment.
“Merrick, we’re on the train,” he speaks, shifting past you without another look. “We’re going after Rorke.”
“Solid Copy.” You watch the brunette walk away and hold your breath, though you don’t know why—heart beating not just because of adrenaline.
Embarrassment breeding in your stomach, you ignore Logan’s knowing stare and push off the wall, rubbing at your bleeding shoulder with a stiff hand.
—
You break a man’s neck against the wall, hand on the back of his head before you slam it into the hard metal. There’s a crunch of bone and a broken rattle before the broadcasted feed from the screen on the train’s panel spits out a message in panicked Spanish to the already deceased men.
“Evacuation protocol C is in effect. All personnel secure cargo and supplies—”
Hesh interrupts ahead of you as you let the body drop, scowling at the heavy sound of its dead weight. At his angry voice, you perk and tune in.
“Tell Rorke we’re comin’ for him.” There’s a quick shove from the other end of the feed, the previous man disappearing as the individual that takes his place makes your eyes go to slits. A great growl like a wolf echoes from your heart and seeps from between your clenched teeth.
Rorke’s scarred face appears with a smirk and a cocky voice.
“Why don’t you just tell me yourself?” You look at your boys, more concerned for them as you watch firsthand the trauma the death of their father brought them.
Logan holds his weapon tighter, fixing his grip. Hesh is a bit more direct. He leans closer to the screen, bearing his teeth like a dog and snarling with rage and hatred.
“You’re done, Rorke.” All of a sudden he peels back a fast fist and sends it careening into the screen—making a shattering of glass and a hard thud emanate deep into your bones.
Blinking quickly, you tense as it happens, not expecting that. But as soon as you try to make sense of it, the brunette is already banking off to the side door, calling a sharp, “Let’s finish this!”
He grabs the side of the train car and wrenches on the handle, grunting and pushing with all of his might.
“Hesh,” you try to reason, stepping in now before things get too hot. “We need to think of a plan before you rush into things. This could get us in a heap of shit that we might not be able to get out of.”
It’s like he doesn’t hear you, and you spare a glance with Logan for help. But he, too, has already joined his brother with a swish of gear on the handle. With one great push, the door opens to the outside brightness, making your face turn away for a moment.
Along the far expanse of open sand dunes outside; mountains flanking the bridge this train flies across, you get the perfect view of a warhead meeting the ground in an explosion of fire and death. It bursts far across the valley, and you cover your eyes as the sharp ball of light burns your retinas.
The shockwave hits moments later, and Hesh says easily as the train shakes and squeals like a metal pig, “Looks like Icarus got control of the rods!” The boys step out onto the platform along the train, and you have no option but to follow. “All that’s left is Rorke, let's go!”
“Hesh,” you try again, hissing out his name, and you’re graced with a quick glance.
“Harp,” he comments, “what is it? We can’t wait any longer—”
“What we can’t do is go in blind!” You shout above the wind, legs stanced to help you stay up. Green eyes twitch with confusion, perhaps even a little hurt.
“Blind? What are you talking about, we push forward and take what’s owed.” You know how much this means to him—to Logan—but there was a point where pride and stubbornness outweighed sense. This was dangerous, especially for Hesh.
You were always the one to keep him level; keep him from becoming too much like his dad.
You’d promised that old bastard you’d look after his boys, albeit in a teasing sense, but to you, it had been a stark vow on your soul. Logan was a brother to you, and Hesh…Hesh would always be more, but that only made your love for them both grow.
“You keep those two from getting in their heads, you hear? They mean well, but there’s no one I trust more than you to level them out, Harp. I’m proud of you. And I’m sure your folks would be too.” Elias had said that, and when he died you bottled it up and used so much force that coal had turned to diamond.
You would keep Logan and Hesh safe. Safe, and level, and not hard-headed.
For as much as you secretly loved your brunette, he sure was stubborn as all hell.
“If you want out, Harp,” Hesh calls to you, gritting his teeth. “Just wait back in the train car. This is something we can’t put off like everything else—this ends now; today. I’m not letting Dad’s killer survive.”
“Son of a bitch, that’s not what I’m saying!” You’re quickly losing your standing. Logan jogs ahead to scout, time ticking. “Hesh, you know that I loved Elias as much as you two did—not one is denying that this needs to happen. I'm with you. But this is too damn dangerous! We can’t rush into this without a plan of attack; of exfil! Do you even know how we’re going to get off of this thing?!”
Hesh had been isolating the few days he had on the U.S.S Liberator, keeping to his room. The man idolized his father and put him on a pedestal of gold even when he was a teenager. He’d even pushed away from you, which all together was unheard of. Logan had nearly had an aneurism when you’d come back to the cafeteria and shook your head in disappointment after trying to get him to open his door.
The two of you told each other everything. Always. That was just…how it was.
But the man that Hesh had donned the skin of was not the man you loved.
Hesh glares at you, eyes going alight with anger.
“If you were with me, you wouldn’t be holding me back.” He turns and runs after Logan, leaving you behind in the open air as the train banks left and right with the sway of the bridge.
Staring. Barely breathing. Mouth parted and eyes wide.
When the man is at the end of the current train car, having to jump a small distance to the next, he pauses. His back is tight, and under him, his feet shuffle.
There’s a moment you hope he’ll turn around and come back, take you into one of his hugs, and squeeze the life out of you. It wouldn’t be such a cruel way to die, you think, to be held in his arms.
But the next moment you see the back of his head shake, and he jumps over to the next section, not even giving you a second glance.
You don’t want to admit how long you waited there, your mind jumbled and confused.
Don’t take it personally, you try to tell yourself, sucking down a breath before slowly walking forward. He’s hurt. Grieving. He didn’t mean it.
Rationality was a tool of the level-headed, and you were anything but that nowadays.
Over the line Hesh’s voice makes you flinch as you slowly follow after, train car after train car.
“Rorke must be at the front of the train!” You step over dead bodies and lend merciful bullets to the ones still writhing, boots coated in crimson. Following a trail of wreckage with stiff lungs.
Stay out of his way? Fine, you could do that.
You stayed back from the head-to-head fighting, laying covering fire and keeping off the comms—whenever Hesh managed to look back at you, you simply moved on to the next hostile.
Eventually, you all ended up on the rooftops, the boys far ahead and yourself blank-faced at the rear. Logan was acting more concerned than Hesh was, glancing at you constantly in confused worry. But it was very much short-lived.
“Incoming!” The right side of the railcar bursts with fire, and you gasp before grappling for the opposite side of the train, keeping you there before the swaying beast leveled out. “Helos. Take cover and take out the gunners!”
You scoff, quickly making your way behind a connector joint to lean your back against it and catch your breath. Two helicopters fly alongside the train, Logan already firing at one, and Hesh…your eyes narrow with annoyance. Hesh was already running ahead of the pack, his low grunts and growls over the line giving way to his impatience.
You click your jaw and try to remind yourself that this is the same man who held you close during movie nights and carried you to bed when you fell asleep. Made you waffles when your boyfriend in eighth grade broke up with you on Valentine’s Day.
Stitched your wounds before he gave them a teasing ‘kiss better’ and looked up at you through dark lashes.
You wildly shake your head to force yourself back to the present.
The gunners are harder to hit not only based on wind and distance alone, but on the erratic movements of the pilots. It’s several clips before you down the second Helo, and Logan’s follows immediately after as they both collide and ram into the mountainside.
You both share a glance and rush after the misguided brunette.
At the end of the train, only the engine remains.
“Clear!” Hesh relays, jumping down from the roof of the railcar and hurriedly walking to the white door, leaning against the wall. “We’re at the last car, Logan. Rorke’s pinned, he knows we’re comin’.”
You gaze down from the top as Logan follows, silent and brooding. Your hands along your FAD tighten under your gloves. You don’t even look at the man.
“Merrick, do you copy?”
“Copy, Hesh.”
“We’re moving in on Rorke.” You slide him a look, seeing him glaring those pretty greens into the ground. “If you hear the word “Checkmate”, you will fire on our position! Confirm?” Your eyes snap with horror, heart lurching.
Surely, you hadn’t heard that right.
Merrick’s voice echoes your frozen confusion. “Say again, repeat your last.”
You jump down and stagger for a moment, barking out a harsh, “What the fuck are you doing?” Inside of your chest, your heart rampages like it never had before. “That’s suicide!”
He was going to kill everyone to bring down Rorke, and you get no answer beyond a clenched jaw and a quick side-eye.
“You heard me, Merrick, on “Checkmate”, hit this train!” The connection is cut and Logan gets into position to shoulder the door open, you watch, stuttering.
Hesh levels with his brother, “We can’t take any chances, Logan. Even if we fail, Rorke dies.” Panic builds, and you’re taking quick steps forward.
You keep those two from getting in their heads, you hear?
You have to stop them, you have to drag them away—but even you know that deep down the only thing that will stop these two is a bullet.
Eyes snapping back and forth, you only get close enough to try and snatch at Hesh’s arm right as he finishes a countdown of three; at the end, Logan kicks down the engine room door with a violent connection of his boot.
Even with the drop on the three guards inside, it doesn't stop the bullet from ripping through your lower side, preoccupied and distracted yet again. You yell loudly, balking back into the door frame and hunching over as blood spurts out of you. Hesh’s head whips your way immediately, jaw going slack and a soul-deep hysteria takes over.
So now he pays attention.
“Shit, Harp!” So little time.
Logan can’t take care of the last remaining Fed soldier by himself, and in a large act of self-sabotage, that very soldier just happened to have a missile launcher.
The entire left engine explodes—the train jerks; everyone is sent in a back-and-forth motion, first hitting off the last train car before being sent right back through the engine room entirely. A transference of force gives you whiplash as your head bounces off the door frame.
The world goes blurry, body hitting and slamming through layers of glass and pain before the control room is suddenly where you end up, using the body of a stunned guard as a cushion.
There’s a second of muffled gunfire, struggling and yelling—and then it all comes back into focus like a sniper’s scope being correctly sighted. You gargle an expletive and shove the guard under you back down despite the searing heat in your side and head; struggling to unsheathe your combat knife as the world tilts.
Hands push at your cheeks, grip at your neck futilely, but when you get the blade out and struggle the hands down once more, you hammer the point into his throat with a thump of your boot pressing for purchase on the floor.
The man spasming, you push off of him and slam to the ground, coughing in great lung-shattering segments.
“You can’t win, Rorke!” Hesh’s voice brings you back from the swirling, and you hear your blood patter to the metal floor like rain.
“Shit,” you mutter, gasping for air.
Gazing up you see Rorke holding Logan in a chokehold, free hand pointing a gun at Hesh. Your eyes bulged, trying to push onto your knees and reach for your weapon as you saw Hesh continually looking away from the target and worriedly watching you. His hands at his sides are loose, but when you lock eyes with him, they clench and shake.
“It’s over—” He tries, but the loud gunshot bounces off the train’s enclosed space. You’re yelling before you can think, darting forward and leveling your gun right to Rorke’s head as Hesh’s form collapses to the ground.
Standing on unsteady feet, you pant and stumble, but the devil’s brown eyes hold you captive. Rorke smirks as you guard Hesh behind you.
“Well, well, well, seems the girl’s just as promising as you, eh, Logan? She’s the other one who slipped her binds in Las Vegas.” He laughs. “Look at me, I’m surrounded by young talent.”
“I don’t exactly care if you are or aren’t,” you growl, shuffling to keep Hesh even farther behind you as you instrumentally cough again. Your legs are wobbling. “Just that you put my fucking friend down.”
“You willing to die for him?” Rorke looks demented, with his scar and his intimidating build. Whatever torture he had been through to make him like this—a Ghost killer—it had worked perfectly. There was no coming back from this. He whistles lowly. “That’s some loyalty you have there.”
His mind was dead to all else.
You don’t hesitate in an answer, even as the man behind you grabs your leg, trying to move you with a wheezing breath.
“H-Harp,” his spine moves in a cough. “Don’t…please.”
“Always.” Interest alights in those dark, tiny eyes. Logan tries to give you messages with his gaze, but you ignore him. Ironic. “That’s not something I’ll break on. Unlike you.”
“Shit, Kid,” there’s a grand laugh, “now that’s heartless…but good,” Rorke glances at Hesh, raising a brow and chuckling. “I’ll love to see the look in his eyes when I—”
“Checkmate!”
“Checkmate confirmed.” You look down at Hesh and see him watching you, his gaze open and bare.
“I’m sorry,” he gasps, but all you can do is watch.
There’s no time to think.
“I love you,” you confess in a fleeting moment of bare nothingness, blurting it out. “I’ve loved you.”
Hesh’s body entirely halts, jaw slowly slackening in horror; something shifts behind his eyes but before he can open his mouth, a rageful bark bullies the smooth tone of his throat back.
“What did you do?!” Your form is bodied into the controls behind you, colliding as you snarl and are forced to recover. With a snap of your finger, you fire a shot into Rorke’s foot.
He yells and whips his wrist back, slamming the butt of his gun into your temple.
As the bridge ahead of the train explodes, Hesh drags himself to cover your body, muttering into your flesh words you cannot name as the darkness sets in.
“It’s over,” Hesh speaks grimly to Rorke, turning to look at him silently as he presses your head into his chest, sharing a nod and thin-lipped look with Logan still stuck in his arm. “It’s over.”
“Shit, Son…” The train gets thrown and broken in a wave of utter destruction and rebirth; and through it all, Hesh never lets go—not even when the water below comes up to meet you.
—
The beach’s sand is coarse, and it sticks to your gear with a fervent hold. To your skin, the paint, and blood, for the moment washed away as hands dragged you from the water, small puffs of breath and whimpers greeting you.
“C’mon, Sweetheart.” Hesh. And he sounded frantic. “C’mon, open…open your eyes, dammit. Please, you just told me the best thing you possibly could. Please.”
Water slips off your neck, and as you’re weakly lying back, propped against a rock, hands slip to your cheeks, moving the skin as a barely conscious body tries to make you wake up.
A forehead hits against your shoulder, a deep groan of pain emanating from the man who grips at your gear.
“No, no, c’mon,” Hesh can barely keep himself sitting up, bloody and broken. Logan had to drag him from the water not seconds prior, and in turn, Hesh had grabbed what little strength was left and helped him get you. “Logan!” Green darts to brown, and the older brother pleads in a broken voice, “Help me!”
You bend your head forward and cough up blood and water, shoving Hesh away from you so you can collapse on your side and expel your stomach.
“Harp,” the man quickly mutters, dragging himself over and grabbing your shoulder to keep your face out of the sand. “Fuck, okay—it’s okay I’ve got you.”
“You,” your voice cuts out, and you shake as you gasp and sputter, “A-are a fucking idiot!”
Hesh chuckles, and you feel his head hit off your arm, his struggling breath. “God, I know. I know, Sweetheart.”
Logan crawls over to you, pushing you back against the rock and grappling for his medical pouch as Hesh patches into the comms. You grunt and look down at the younger brother, head swirling in colors and ears pounding with your pulse.
“Merrick, do you copy? Merrick, come in.”
“Hesh! Hesh, is that you?” You weakly smirk at the shock and relief from the tone, letting your head tilt back as Logan hurriedly packs your gunshot wound with gauze. You wince and stare at the sky—blood infectiously tinging the sand below you.
Hesh tries to help too, but you and the man are in far worse shape than Logan. The older brother’s shoulder leans into yours heavily, and you shift your eyes to the side as they flutter.
You haven't forgotten what you told him, what you confessed, but right now pushing back the black in the sides of your vision was more important.
And Rorke. What had happened to Rorke?
“Yeah,” Hesh watches you, face screwed with concern. “Yeah, I’m with Harp and Logan. We’re…we’re alive. Rough shape, but alive.”
“And Rorke?” You hold your breath.
“Dead.” Logan ties off a quick tourniquet and your spine tightens in agony, hissing out as your nerves spike with electricity. The brown-eyed man spares you a sorry glance but you shake your head in dismissal. “He’s dead.”
Out in the water, the enemy warships are firing off missiles inland, some smoking and others already sinking. Merrick gives you the news as Hesh brings a hand up to your chin, tilting your head his way. You go willingly, skin on fire from the scrape of his gloves.
Logan moves back, having done what he can, before he collapses back into the sand, panting with an arm over his stomach. His older brother’s forehead bumps into yours, eyes stuck.
“Copy that. The Federation is in full retreat—the rest of the payload is inbound to finish the…”
Whatever else Merrick relays is lost and Hesh’s lips splay over yours, his nose letting out a long breath and body sagging, dead-weight. Cheeks hot and mind running, you let instinct take over and reciprocate, quick fingers pulling at his vest straps.
“Since when?” He asks, breathless when he moves back an inch.
“After you introduced me to your first girlfriend, Cassie Albrook,” you smile, eyes crinkling. “Seventh grade. The one with the black hair? God, I was so jealous.”
Hesh chuckles deeply, body jerking as he kisses you again, pulling back and holding your cheek in his hand. His eyes are wide and open.
“You mean to tell me, I could have been kissin’ you all the way back since seventh grade?” Your face moves with pure love, flesh going soft—even the pain diminishes somewhat.
Merrick’s voice still gruffly moves down the line, and the last bits of his sentence are heard.
“...Sit tight, Recon’s comin’ for ya.” Everything was looking up.
Missiles slam into the Federation ships out in the water, the sudden burst of liquid and fire making Hesh briefly cover you with his side to protect you from the shockwave. When you turn to look, nothing but sinking metal remains.
“I’m sorry,” Hesh tells you, and you don’t have the energy to pull away from his neck as you let your head rest—the thumping of your brain and the calming shadow of his form giving way to believe you had a concussion.
“Hm,” you hum, letting him continue. His voice echoed in his breast.
“I…I’ve been an ass these past few days, weeks, I shouldn’t have said what I did—wanted to take it back as soon as I turned away from you.” You close your eyes and sigh long, sarcastic even now.
“You owe me dinner and a movie, then I’ll see if I can forgive you.” Hesh chuckles, nose pressing down into your scalp. He kisses you there as water falls from his chin.
“Sounds like a plan, Doll.” The man lets himself rest, curled around you and waiting for the recon team as the sand and the water move. “I love you too…just so you know. Long time.”
Your failing mind lets off a scoff. But a happy one.
When you wake again, not remembering when you’d fallen asleep, it is to the sound of screaming.
“Logan!” You jolt up and have to place a hand on your head to stop the pounding. Hesh is struggling to move, fighting to get to his younger brother who you turn as quickly as you’re able to face. “Logan!”
Your face voids of blood.
Rorke is dragging the other man away, pushing him to the ground as Logan tries to fight like a dog on his back, with only one arm working properly. Growling, you try to stand—body falling and sliding right back down as Rorke kicks Logan’s combat blade from his hand, walking over to you and Hesh.
He stands and pants, limping from your shot to his foot and a hand across his abdomen in obvious pain.
“Look what you did,” Rorke motions behind him to the still-falling missiles being disposed of from space into the ocean; atop the wreckage of what Rorke had been a part of. Falling to your side, you leave behind a raging Hesh who attempts to move and get to Rorke while you go to Logan. The devil wheezes and points from you to the boys, forcing a grunt of approval. “You’re good.”
Hesh is shoved back by a ruthless boot into the rock, and you snarl, coming over to Logan and his very broken arm as he weakly writhes on the ground. You place your body over his and bare your teeth as if a beast.
“Rorke!” You bark. “It’s over! It’s done. Everything you’ve built is dead and recon is on its way for us…you’re finished.”
“Nothin’s finished, no,” Hesh tries to lunge again as Rorke’s body stumbles closer to you but falls into ragged coughs and stays on his side in utter agony.
“Stay away from them!” The man you’d just confessed to hisses, hand grasping futilely at the sand. Green eyes run back and forth from you to Logan, desperate and breaking by the second. “Rorke! You son of a bitch!”
“Nothin’s ever finished.” Grabbing you by the scruff of your neck, you’re being tossed off Logan and thrown to the side in a cloud of sand, body screaming at you as you yell out loudly.
Rorke bends a knee to look Logan in the eyes, shaking his head.
“You’d of been a hell of a Ghost.” Yelling, you wrench at the combat knife in your vest, set your feet, and tackle Rorke off of the Walker boy with a feral curse on your breath.
“Get the fuck off of—” Your leg twists with a defining crack as you’re grappled and thrown off, only able to slice a nice long cut down his jaw and at the beginning of the man’s throat.
Screaming you hear briefly Hesh’s rageful bellow, his calling of your name in high keens of helplessness. Promises of revenge and justice.
Breath breaking as tears line the back of your eyes, Rorke comes over you and pins your dominant hand to the ground—you look up and grimace, trying to make your body function.
Move!
Rorke laughs, great shoulders shaking with glee. He’s fucking demented as he continues his sentence from before your fruitless attack.
“...But that’s not gonna happen, is it?” The man smiles and you struggle as Logan and Hesh rapidly try to assist.
“Harp!”
“There ain’t gonna be any Ghosts.” Rorke’s eyes shift to Hesh, and you follow with a sense of dread and horror. The man’s mind had been made up when he turned back around, disregarding Logan entirely in favor of you and your ‘unbreakable’ loyalty.
The joy it would bring him to destroy you and set you loose after such. Set you loose on Hesh.
He leans in close to you, so you can feel his breath and his conviction.
“We’re gonna destroy ‘em together.”
“Harp!” You’re shoved back, knife grasped and ripped from your hand as your broken leg is grabbed and pressure is applied.
You scream again, arms carding across the dunes as Rorke begins dragging you backward like a child holding onto a stuffed toy. Blown green eyes meet yours, Hesh reaching out and screaming at the top of his lungs for you.
But he can’t move.
“Harp!”
And you can’t feel your fingers.
“I love you,” you whisper, perhaps for the last time and he sees your lips move. Hesh screams and slams his hand into the ground, Logan stumbling to his knees but immediately dropping back with a small cry.
And Rorke chuckles.
—
You don’t know where he took you, but you do know the jungle floor is cold and wet, and the mud under your fingernails makes you feel gross.
What you do know is that the earthen walls of the pit you are in are pointless to try to climb—the top is slatted with a covering of long sticks with wide square openings. You know it’s going to rain by the smell in your bloodied nostrils.
You know that your leg is broken, your bullet wound is festering through the tourniquet, and your concussion is making you sleepy.
In your head, you count these ‘knowns’ and sprinkle them like seeds as you stare blankly at the sky far above. Everything aches; hurts. When you breathe, it comes in and out with a wheeze.
You know that Hesh loves you, and perhaps that’s the only fact you care about. Wherever he is, you’re glad he can’t see you like this.
Rain patters against your head, the storm clouds finally rolling through. Leaves can be heard shuffling on their branches. You breathe in and out, rising and settling your lungs slowly.
You can’t break—not like Rorke.
No matter what he did to you, you can’t betray the Ghosts. Logan. Hesh.
Elias’s words echo as you curl into a tiny ball, shivering and whimpering as your wounds move and pull.
...I’m proud of you. And I’m sure your folks would be too.
You know this game. Torture. They’ll pump you full of hallucinogens, starve you, beat you within an inch of your life; and through that you cannot give in.
But it’s easier said than done.
In the middle of the night, the top of the pit is pushed away and there are the voices of multiple people that dance above the rain storm. They jump down and in the state you are, there’s nothing you can do to stop them from hooking their arms under yours and hauling you up, limp and motionless.
The words are in Spanish, and you still can make out some over the commotion and the way your hearing dips in and out.
“Where do we inject….”
“...neck, I believe…arm could work too…”
“...nasty…was it? I heard…mix of drugs…Who knows?”
Your head is harshly yanked back, and the sharp pinch of a needle digs into your neck, the action making your good leg kick out in panic but there’s little you can do.
A flood of thick fluid enters your veins and like sap seeping out of a tree some drops exit the wound and mix with the rain weighing down your clothes. They’d taken your gear, only your undershirt and cargo pants still clothing you.
When they’re done, they let you drop back to the floor, where you flop and smash your face into the mud with a weak drag of your cheek along the sludge. With calls from above, a rope is tossed down and they all ascend. The top is clattered back over moments later.
Laying still and groaning, teeth clenched, already you feel ten times more strange than before.
“Ah,” you grasp at your head, which was bursting to begin with, as it gains a looseness to it—the mud below you shimmered with puddles, the chill got colder, and your clothes felt grating against your skin. “Not good. N-not good.”
You pull at your shirt collar, coughing as your eyes bulge; your heart breaks itself as it immediately can be felt hammering into your ribcage far more sensitive than you’d ever experienced. It felt like your chest was going to rip open.
Panicked sounds emanate from the back of your throat, fingers digging into your scalp as the drugs carry their venom through your blood.
Your wounds blazed.
You start screaming, babbling for nothing, and pulling at your flesh, but the overhead striking of lightning leaves the desperation mute to all but the trees.
—
Hesh stares at you from the corner of the pit, but his eyes are not green. You watch, silent, barely moving, from where you curl into a tiny heap of bloodied flesh. You’d torn at your skin for days; time looped together with more injections and no food. Water you got from the sky.
They had offered soup, but you knew better even as you dug harsh lines into your neck. There were just more drugs in the broth.
But Hesh. Hesh.
He wasn’t right—didn’t stand like him, or breathe like him; there was something off about his smirk as he watched you gaze at him in an addled stupor.
“Feelin’ good over there, Kid?” Not Hesh. Not. Hesh.
You’re panting, your body sweating profusely in the humidity and so, so hungry.
Not Hesh takes a step forward and his image tilts like the turning of a page with Rorke taking his place, but as soon as it happens it flips back on itself to your Love.
“N-not right,” you hurriedly whisper.
Not Hesh puts a hand to his ear, kneeling down in front of you. “What was that, now?” A long chuckle. His voice is…is…deeper. Your eyebrows flinch up and down. “Who do you see, Sweetheart?”
“Hesh,” you whimper out. “Hesh, what are you talking about? What’s going on? I…I feel like I’m…I’m twisted inside out.”
“Hesh, huh?” The man looks to the side, smiling. “Well, that’s better than I expected. This’ll be fun.”
“W-what—” A fist connects with your face and you get catapulted into the wall. Before anything else, your stomach is kicked, making your call of alarm get forced out as a gasp as your clotted bullet wound reopens in a great tear. A large hand grips you hard by the chin, snapping it forward to stare into those wrong eyes but the familiar face of Hesh.
What was he doing to you?
“H…Hesh,” you can’t even stutter out his name before you break down into coughs and gagging; tears rolling down your cheeks, and blood and mud everywhere.
“Yeah, that’s right. You just keep lookin’ at me.” You dry heave and push at his hands, fingernails digging into his skin to create crescent moons. “Keep lookin’ at Hesh.”
—
It’s three months of the same, and you can’t go on anymore.
You lay in a near comatose state on the ground, flesh completely covered in mud and open wounds—maggots eat at your dead skin, wriggling deeper. Not having the heart to pick them out, or even move the few non-broken fingers you have, you lay in blank agony. Pain so deep you can’t scream or make a single noise. It would make it worse; it is making it worse.
Breathing is becoming a chore.
“Is today going to be the day?! God, I sure hope so.” Hesh looks down from over the edge, fiddling with another syringe of drugs. “Enough blood down there to make a fuckin’ painting out of. Shit…You lasted longer than I thought, Kid.” You don’t look at him. At his dark, wrong, eyes.
“I’m nearly impressed.” There’s a low chuckle and the crackling of branches.
You close your eyes and try to think of a single kiss and green eyes, but the rest of the image is tainted to you. Your mind can’t call it forward without the corruption of the puppet ahead of you, this shifting specter of mist and smoke.
Memories that used to bring you comfort call to fear and spine-curling hurt.
This couldn’t be Hesh, you told yourself for the millionth time, but…who else could it be? Your body was too broken to try and work through the hallucinations, to think or rationalize.
There’s a thump of boots and a grunt. Someone coming closer as birds speak far above. Singing. It's the first you can recall another living creature being this close to the smell of infected decay.
“Now, now, let’s see that neck of yours.” You’re seized and pushed onto your back, head lulling and eyes fluttering. Hesh’s image shifts and bends into another, one you should be able to name but can’t quite recall. It’s hard to focus. “Just one more, and we can fix this. Together. No more Ghosts, huh? We’ll make it right.”
Birds songs. Birds and flying shadows. Rapid wing beats like an eagle or the pound of paws on the ground.
There is an un-godly snarl and a call of rage.
“Rorke!” The dark-eyed Hesh snaps his head away, his needle stilling in his grip only inches from your flesh. He’s grappled and ripped away, thrown up and slammed down into a full-body jerk of pure strength not a second later with a cry of shock. “Get the fuck off of her!”
Shadows roll and wrestle, feral yowls like that of beasts bounce off your impaired hearing, mud stuck in your ears. You think your vision cuts out for a moment because the next there’s a different man gripping your shoulders, slightly shaking you back awake.
Blue eyes like the ocean. Your brow barely twitches in confusion.
Keegan?
“C’mon, that’s it. Right here.” A light is taken and directed right into your eye in the fading light. “You’re doin’ great, Harp. Just keep lookin’ at me.”
The light passes over your blood-coated eyes and barely diolates. Keegan’s lips under his balaclava thin to an alarming degree.
“Fuck,” he grunts, looking down at you before he darts his vision over to Hesh, the actual Hesh, who’s locked limbs with the former Ghost; fists to guts and primal anger.
In his haste to get to you, Hesh had damned himself—he’d left no opening for any of the others to get a clean shot at Rorke. But no one could blame him, even if it was reckless; incredibly stupid.
The man had been on your trail nearly every day since you’d been taken. Barely sleeping, eating little. A man possessed.
The Ghosts had been half convinced something had taken over his image and scooped out his personality.
“Merrick,” Keegan patches into the secure line, looking back down at you. “Positive ID on HVT, three klicks West. Hesh has engaged—we found Harp.”
There’s an instantaneous response, worried breath. “Solid copy…how’s she doing?”
“We need MedEvac immediately. She won’t last another night.” There’s a curse on the other end, a loud and quick call to the rest of his squad.
“Copy! I’ll call it in!” Keegan tries to stabilize you as Hesh and Rorke rip each other to shreds, and Hesh, who had the upper hand in the beginning, is quickly losing it.
“Awe, look who tracked ‘er down!” Rorke snatches at Hesh’s collar and lays two jabs to his ribs—there’s a definitive crack as the younger man shouts in pain. “Young love! So fucking pointless.”
“I’m going to rip you into pieces,” Hesh bares his teeth, eyes wild and unrestrained. For a moment Rorke looks taken aback by the utter conviction in his green gaze. “And make you choke on your own damn teeth! You hear me?!”
Ripping away with a tear of fabric, Hesh bends low and tackles the former Ghost to the ground, splaying him out on his back before his fist is snapped back and brought down; again and again and again.
“Hesh!” Keegan shouts, pressing deeply into your wounds and trying to give you fluids with one hand. “This fucking kid.” The Sergeant gives up, shaking his head.
Trust had to be given, and Keegan knew that at this moment he had to trust Hesh to hold his own. He needed to keep you conscious.
“Easy, Harp.” You can feel the cracks in your dry throat as the water seeps past them, and you cough up droplets before the blue-eyed Sergeant tilts your head and helps you. “Easy, Sweetheart.”
Keegan doesn’t even want to look at your body as the brutal sounds of a fist on bone continue, clothes scuffling and gargled breaths—the savagery and barbarous remnants of mental and physical torture too much even for him.
“Christ,” he hisses.
You gulp down water slowly and let it fill your stomach like a brick.
Hesh reduces Rorke’s face to a mess of flesh and busted bone, sweating and not even stopping as his knuckles split under his gloves or his fingers dislocated from their sockets. His eyes burn, his face goes red—he looks insane.
He looks like a spirit of utter revenge.
Only when Logan and Merrick drag him off the spasming body does he stop, but not after he tries like hell to fight out of that hold as well. Whipping around, he attempts to land a punch on Merrick before Logan is forced to put him in a restraint hold.
Hesh’s cheek meets the mud, face being sunk into it as his right arm is twisted so far behind his back it nearly breaks. The older brother growls, free arm and legs moving—back sliding.
“David!” Merrick barks at him, face pulled in a sneer, enraged at the man’s lack of sense. “Shut this shit down. Look at her, dammit!” Logan gets bucked off, but the youngest Walker boy has enough sense to wrestle him back down and grab onto his chin; forcing those green eyes to lock on you and Keegan.
The second he sees you, he entirely freezes.
Merrick sighs out harshly, jogging over to you and already checking in with the MedEvac that Kick’s flying in. There would be no resistance—all the other hostiles were dead.
“Jesus Christ,” the Commander breathes, kneeling by you instantly and studying your body.
Hesh’s reaction is slower, but the spread of vile tears burns the back of his eyes. Logan lets him go at seeing this, standing and holding out a hand, but the brunette stays on the ground a moment longer; utterly still.
Hesh’s mouth opens and closes.
All at once he’s rushing over and limping up at your side as Merrick grabs more medical supplies from his packs to help you.
“Oh my God,” Hesh breathes, and Keegan sends him a glance. You’d drank all of the water. “Harp, hey, you’re going to be okay—it’s gonna be alright, you hear? I’m right here, Logan and I are gonna get you home. Back to California, okay? Riley’s waitin’ for you, Doll.”
You flinch at that voice, and Merrick looks sharply at the blue-eyed Sergeant. Their eyes lock, holding for a long moment. Logan’s brows tighten in confusion.
The brunette seems not to notice it at all, hands finding your cheek before Merrick can give him a warning. Your eyes slowly shift to him before they peel back with fear.
Hesh’s vision goes glossy, clenching his jaw. “Shit, what did he do to you—”
“Hesh!”
You yell and yerk back, shoving the man off of you with a fear-filled sob.
“No!” Keegan and Merrick grapple to keep you down, not wanting to aggravate your wounds as Hesh falls to his ass, hands slapping behind him before he hisses and brings them back up. He blinks quickly in confusion and panic.
Logan rushes over and hides him from your view, beginning to understand what was going on.
“No!” You call again, Keegan having to hold your head into his chest to hide you away. Merrick yells down his comms to hurry the Helo up, and that he doesn’t care about anything else. “No,” your voice gargles off as you sob into Keegan. “Please, no more.”
“Shh,” the Sergeant mutters, looking over his shoulder at a pale and shaking Hesh. “Nothin’s going to happen to you. Not anymore.”
“Harp,” Hesh whispers, jaw slackened. “I…I don’t…”
“Hallucinogens,” Merrick says grimly, watching you shake and wail. Logan has to look away, his fists clenching. “Who knows what she’s seen. Reckon it wasn’t anything good.”
It’s like he doesn’t hear anything besides your cries. Whenever you gasp Hesh tenses as if he wants to run to you—comfort you the best way he knows how.
Hallucinogens? He thinks and feels tears dribble down his cheeks as he blinks, rubbing at his jaw and shakily placing a hand over the back of his neck. Logan puts a heavy grip on his shoulder, weighing them down even more.
—
Rorke’s death should have been a time of celebration—of honoring the fallen. Elias Walker, Ajax, and countless others. The Federation was nothing more than broken factions now. Dust to the wind.
But no one can celebrate when they’re trying to fix one of their own.
You were being kept in the secure medical ward under twenty-four-hour surveillance and around-the-clock care; only Keegan was allowed in, seeing as you were the closest to him outside of Logan and Hesh and had no adverse effects to his presence.
Merrick had said he didn’t want to risk Logan going in, as it might worsen things. Hesh was taking it hard.
He just got you back, how was this right? How was it fair that you’d had to go through that right when it was supposed to be over and done with? The man got sick over it, thinking about what Rorke had done to…break your mind like he had.
Two months.
Two months of nightmares plaguing him, of your eyes when you looked at him. If Hesh had just been stronger, then that bastard would never have dragged you away on that beach. He resulted in working out more, running laps around Fort Santa Monica with Riley at three in the morning—he grew bags under his eyes. He grew quiet.
When all of his broken ribs and fingers healed, the artificial wounds, he was offered awards for taking down Rorke; even a summon by the President.
He’d denied all of them.
If a medal was going to get you better faster, he’d have taken them in an instant. But he wasn’t that stupid. Hesh was withering, and everyone saw it. He loved you more than anything—more than fame or recognition. The man lay awake at night fearing that you were too cold or uncomfortable in the far-off ward, he was paranoid about your safety.
More often than not, the nurses found him and Riley fitfully sleeping outside of your door on the hard ground, arm used as a pillow. They didn’t have the heart to move him.
In the last two weeks before the third month of your isolation and evaluations, in his nighttime routine, Hesh finds your door open.
He stares at it now with a blank expression, fatigue once burning his eyes all gone for a deep and pounding panic. With a hand gesture, Riley halts and sits, and, sensing his handler’s mood, lets his ears go straight up in attention.
Hesh reaches for the gun in the back of his pants, peeling it out slowly and taking a nearly silent step forward. Ready, his ears strain for a sound…but there is none.
His free hand reaches for the door, the short sleeves of his gray sleep-shirt bunching. A moment later, he lightly taps the barrier farther out before entering the room with the gun drawn.
He said he wouldn’t get distracted, but it would be a lie to say his eyes didn’t immediately go to you.
You were there, asleep, curled up on the far recliner chair instead of the bed. Head lulled to the side and knees kept close to your chest. But it was the scars that broke Hesh.
They were large and long—on your face and arms; legs. All moving and stretching like a child’s drawing up your sleep shorts and shirt, disappearing only to reappear somewhere else. Healed over but still fresh.
Hesh drops the gun and turns his body slightly away, staring at the side wall before he takes an unsteady breath. He re-hides his weapon and turns to leave, not seeing anyone else.
Maybe Keegan had forgotten to close the door…he’d have to chew him out for that. Already a dull point of anger was making his jaw clench at the sly older man.
“Bastard,” Hesh mutters.
Before he can exit and close the door softly behind him, he hears a broken squeak of alarm. He halts as you stare heavily into his back—awoken by the sound of nearly silent feet. In a steady motion, the man’s hands are by his sides, open and visibly holding nothing.
“I was just leaving,” Hesh whispers, not looking at you. His heart hammers. “I’m sorry, I thought someone else was in here—the door was open, okay?”
Your hands twitch, body still and breath held tight.
“Hesh?” He flinches, eyes closed tight.
Don’t look at her. Don’t turn around. Leave.
“Are you really…him?” You ask silently, eyes darting nervously around the room and quickly waking up fully.
It’s a moment before he answers you.
“Yeah,” he forces out, voice tiny and sad. “Yeah, it’s me, Doll. Just David Walker.”
Your throat bobs with a thin swallow. Treatment was still ongoing, but it’s not every day you wake up to find the man who you had nightmares about standing in your room.
Breathe, you have to remind yourself. It was the drugs. Not Hesh. Never Hesh. Rorke.
But you were still scared.
“I…I need to see your eyes,” you say.
Hesh turns carefully, staring hard at the floor. His heart lurches, hands going clammy.
What if she has a setback? He asks himself. What if I mess this up…Shit, Hesh, you couldn’t have minded your own business?
Oh, but he never could when it came to you.
“Then look at me, Sweetheart.” The man breathes slowly, darting his eyes up to your face. “They only belong to you.”
But your gaze can’t slip to his sockets, only able to glare fearfully into his neck. But this Hesh felt different, more like the one you grew up with—those memories still coming back but tainted; you need to see green, but it was hurting you to think that you might not.
“I’m scared,” you admit, shakily. The man’s thighs tense, but he stops himself before he can go and take you into his arms. That wouldn’t help. “I’m…I don’t know what’s real anymore.”
“I’m real. I swear to you, Harp, I’m real. I’m right here and I’ll wait for you as long as it takes. Even if it’s years, I will always be right here.” He pleads, hands still at his sides and going nowhere if you don’t tell him to. It’s like a floodgate opens, months of internal pain and heartbreak spilling out. You needed to know this, even if he never got to see you again.
“I have loved you since I saw you get jealous over Cassie Albrook in seventh grade and tried to hide it because you thought she made me happy—she could never make me happy, Harp. That was you. That was always and will always be you. I…I can’t breathe when you’re not near me, I don’t know how to act right when you’re hurt. Seeing you hurting is…is…” Hesh’s voice breaks and he falls silent.
“Please, if you need to look into my eyes, I’m beggin’ you, Sweetheart, please, do it. Even if it’s only one glance.” Your breath is stuck in your throat, tears welling and sliding down your cheeks.
In your skull your brain pounds, bordering on hysteria and an urge to flee. There was so little that you trusted anymore. Keegan, yes—the nurses and doctors? You had no choice there.
You knew that the Hesh you’d seen in the pit was Rorke, Keegan had explained it all to you after the drugs had been pumped from your system; you understood that part. But it didn’t make the sickening confusion any better.
Symptoms of severe PTSD, paranoia, anxiety—you’d seen the charts when the nurses thought you weren’t looking at them.
You still wouldn’t let anyone with a needle anywhere close to you, had to be put under for it.
But you’d been so lonely here. A simple kiss seared into your mind before the horror set in, a stain of a smile on your lips. A chest vibrating with a content purr.
Hesh. You want your Hesh back.
Taking a stuttering breath, your eyes dart upwards. You push through your misty gaze and lock on a color that can only be described as a grassy field of verdant growth. Great open plains of viridescent being—showing you a world bathed in tender belonging.
Home.
You sob and rush from the chair on legs that still hurt even now, meeting Hesh in the middle as he takes a step forward and wraps his arms around you. You’re covered and kept in a hold so tight it’s like he’ll never let you go, heart pounding and his face loose with shock.
But he says nothing beyond a loud shuttered exhale of relief, pressing you to his chest and burying his face into your scalp, breathing you in; taking you down like a sinner in church until all that remains is you. Your fingers digging into his shirt, your face in his neck, how you call his name as if calling a ghost back from the dead.
“Oh, my Girl.” Hesh chuckles through the tears in his eyes. “My Girl. I missed you so much, you won’t even believe it.”
You push yourself into him tighter.
Riley, at some point, had come to stand in the doorway, his dark beady eyes seeing only the colors in gray, brown, yellow, and blue, though that never truly mattered. Color was only half of the picture.
And the rest of the image in front of him was seeped with the pigment of love.
The dog’s tongue lulls from the side of his mouth, and in the air behind him, his tail moves back and forth into a soft arch.
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@luuvbuzz, @emerald-valkyrie, @anna-banana27, @blueoorchid, @cryingnotcrying, @writeforfandoms, @homicidal-slvt, @jade-jax, @frazie99, @elmoees, @littlemisstrouble, @alpineswinter, @phoenixhalliwell, @idocarealot, @lavalleon, @facelessmemories, @h-leigh, @20forty9, @glitter-anon-asks, @emily-who-killed-a-man, @neelehksttr, @aeneanc, @escapefromrealitysm, @i-d-1-0-t, @pparcxysm, @hawkscanendme, @caramlizedtomatos, @waves-against-a-cliff, @sanfransolomitatm, @maelstrom007, @jemandderkeinenusernamenfindet, @pheobees, @glitterypirateduck, @uselsshuman, @fan-of-encouragement, @halfmoth-halfman, @ghostlythunderbird, @I-inkage, @pukbadger, @kopatych11, @0nceinabluem00n, @cocrorapop, @knightofsexyness, @abnormalgeil, @smallseastone, @jacegons, @330bpm-whiplash, @simon-rileys-housewife, @4-atsu, @tiredmetalenthusiast
#cod#cod x reader#call of duty#cod x you#x female reader#call of duty x you#call of duty x reader#hesh walker x female reader#hesh walker x reader#david hesh walker#hesh walker#cod ghosts#cod ghosts x reader#call of duty ghosts#cod x female reader#x fem!reader#call of duty: ghosts
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Interlude: Beach Day | Miguel O'Hara x Fem!Reader
Synopsys: What if Shadows to Stars never happened? What if you and Miguel led the blissful, romantic, domestic life the both of you have always wanted? And what if you all went out for a nice beach day?
Or
In which I had a stroke of inspiration to finally write something happy for this man, as opposed to all of the angst that plagues my mind whenever I think of Miggy!
Words: 4.4k
Warnings: Tooth-rotting fluff! That's about it, it's happy, it's kind of short, it's sweet and it's not angsty at all, which is a first for me. Spanish translations are at the end! Also, again, as with all of my fics, I tried to make this as inclusive as I could, so other than the fact that reader is a woman, there's no big descriptions. Hopefully I captured that well!
A/N: Hey everyone! I'm back from my vacation! I'm actually on my way to another, ahaha, but I really needed to write this - hell, I missed writing sooo much! Anyways, this is a sort of "what if" to STS. It's not a sequel, it's not a part 2, it's simply a "what if this was a happy oneshot instead of an angst-filled, heart-wrenching, tear-inducing one? What if everyone was happy?" kind of deal. I quite like how it turned out, and I hope you guys will like it too! Hopefully I'll be able to write something else before I leave again.
Also, this is a reupload because yesterday I posted the wrong, unfinished version of the story. I apologize for that, I promise to be more careful in the future!
“Beach day! Beach day! Beach day!” Gabriel chanted happily as you undid his seatbelt and removed him from his chair. Your son was quick to put a (Spiderman themed, thank you very much) hat on top of his head and grin at you, tiny legs eager to touch the floor and feel the sand through his flip-flops.
“Honey, watch out for the cars, c’mere.” You told him, and since he was far too happy to complain, he followed your lead, now safe from the harm of the road and careless drivers.
“Beach day! Let’s go, let’s go, let’s goooo!” He jumped up and down, pointing towards the very visible horizon line.
Miguel could only help but chuckle. It was the first time this year you three were going to the beach, and Gabriel hadn’t stopped once minute ever since you told him to pick out new swimming trunks – he’d picked a very cute red and blue pair, tiny Spiderman masks adorning it. Gabriel was quite the Spiderman fan, which only made Miguel smile further.
While you carried a bag with food, Miguel carried a backpack with some essentials – sunscreen, your book, his newspaper, etc. It would be nice to get some alone time with his family, finally away from the responsibilities of the Spider Society, and the wary eyes of the Nueva York Police Department.
He was also eager to finally see you trying out that cute bikini you had taunted in front of him once or twice. He’d never seen you wearing it, but from the smile he saw you with when you got home that day and told him you had done the purchase of the year, he could tell it was going to be worth it. With his free arm, he slung one of the two beach umbrellas over his shoulder, and handed you the other. Gabriel was carrying a small backpack full of toys, and the sight of you three could only be described as precious. A beautiful family, all wearing the most beautiful smiles, ready for a fun beach day.
You were looking forward to every single bit of it!
“Mama, please, please, pleeeease, can I go in the water now?” Gabriel gave you his most adorable look – the biggest puppy dog eyes the world had ever seen, brown and bright and well, were you not his mother, and used to it, all his tricks would still work on you. As well as your husband’s, of course. But that didn’t mean your sweet boys did not keep on trying.
You sighed, and Miguel chuckled. What were you expecting? Your four-year-old son to sit still, waiting diligently for the moment you would finally tell him it’s okay to race to the water?
Squeezing a good portion of sunscreen into your hand, you smiled.
“Sunscreen first, alright?” You then proceeded to apply it all over his body, which proved to be a very difficult task, since the little boy in front of you kept jumping up and down, babbling on about all of the cool things he’d do once he was in the water, like swimming wish fish and meeting a mermaid, and then talking about the cool castles he’d build once on the sand. You watched him in complete awe and adoration, nudging him softly so you could apply some of the cream on his face.
“Alright, alright, now close your eyes.”
Gabriel did as he was told, giggling uncontrollably.
“I look like a snowman!” He exclaimed before you bopped his nose, smearing sunscreen all over it.
“You’re everything but a snowman my love, a snowman would melt, and you aren’t going anywhere.” You were rewarded with a smile and a big, tight hug from your son.
Miguel, who had been setting up the umbrellas, looked over at you and your excitable son. He could tell you were trying your best not to cave in, but it was just so hard when Gabriel got happy like this.
“Come on chaparrito, vámonos. I’ll take you to the water.” He said, taking off his sunglasses and glancing at you. When you opened your mouth in protest (going on about how he had to put on sunscreen first), he kept speaking. “Relax, I’ll do it when I get back. Are you sure you wanna deny this little guy of his water for much longer?”
When you turned to face Gabriel, you were met with his big shiny eyes and an adorable pout. Placing a kiss on his head, you smiled and gestured towards the water.
“Fine. But be careful, you two! I’ll organise things in here and meet you guys soon, ‘s that okay?”
Gabriel nodded happily and you turned around to organise your things – missing how your husband took off his shirt and placed it on top of his backpack. Miguel placed a kiss on your head and took your son by the hand, taking him to the water.
While this happened, you got to work.
You set the towels down next to each other, unfolded Miguel’s chair, applied some sunscreen on your face and arms, and checked everything inside the food backpack. You also decided to enjoy the few moments of peace Miguel had granted you and do some reading. There was no wind, so there was no sand to fly around and bother you. Today really did seem like the perfect beach day.
Within a few seconds, laughter could be heard coming your way, and a smile formed on your lips – you would always recognise this voice, no matter what.
“Mama! Mama! Mama, the water is fantastic!” You placed your book down and turned around to face Gabriel, whose hair was all stuck to his face, and whose smile seemed to grow as each second went by. “There were waves and Papa helped me jump over them!”
You chuckled and nodded along as Gabriel told you about all the nice things he saw. Like the family with the cute dog, or the girl whose brother picked up and threw in the water as a prank, or the group of friends that were playing volleyball – everything seemed to fascinate your little boy and you loved how enthusiastic he was.
The beach did seem to be very alive, crowded with all kinds of people. Families of all shapes and sizes took their children for a swim, friends cheered and laughed with cold beers, gymnasts showed off their backflip skills or their flexibility, and many, many others. It’s like the beach had a life of its own.
The sun was shining, and the sky was clear – it was the perfect summer day, with nothing but the sound of the waves, some seagulls, and all kinds of laughter filling your ears.
And then, it was as if all of the air got sucked out from your lungs.
The whole world seemed to move in slow motion – or was it just him? – as Miguel came out of the water, his hair dripping and making him look sinfully attractive, his figure tall and strong and broad, all strong cheekbones and veiny hands and wide back and large shoulders that you nipped and held onto while he sank himself inside of you again and again deep at night –
“Mama? Mamaaa? Mama, can you hear me?” Gabriel’s voice pulled you away from your thoughts, and your cheeks went hot when you realised what kind of images you were conjuring in your mind in such a public space. You looked away, slapping yourself mentally, which your husband seemed to notice as he approached you.
Goodness, he looked irresistibly handsome – and much to your dismay, you weren’t the only one who thought that. People around you – mostly indiscreet women who thought their sunglasses would disguise them – were gawking at Miguel, some going as far as to shamelessly open their mouths in awe and giggle.
It made you upset that people were openly staring, but all those thoughts went away once Miguel sat down on the towel closest to you and kissed your cheek.
“You look flustered, cariño. Is everything alright?” He teased, lips brushing softly against your ear, sending a full-body shiver down your spine. Miguel loved how easily he could get reactions out of you, how easily he made you squirm with only his words.
“Yeah, everything’s perfect,” You replied unable to meet his eye. When you looked away, you notice two women walking by, gawking at your husband, and giggling behind their sunglasses. You frown and turn to Miguel, covering him with the shirt he folded earlier.
“What’re you doing?” He asked, confusion on his face.
“Covering you up. You are far too handsome for your own good, everyone’s staring! I gotta lock you up for good so no one else will look at you.” You mumbled, faking a pout. Well, almost faked a pout. Miguel was good-looking. Terribly so. He got stared and gawked at on the street all the time. Women stopped to swoon when they looked at him, men wished they had his physique.
So, it wasn’t a surprise that oftentimes, you felt negative about yourself. What if you simply weren’t a match for his looks? What if he stopped finding you attractive? You had a son and your body had changed – and while you loved the changes motherhood had brought you, and you loved yourself and your body (just like Miguel, who spends every waking moment reminding you of how gorgeous you are, inside and out), you’re only human – and humans are bound to have sad thoughts sometimes.
Miguel laughed heartily, pulling you close to him by the hip. His fingers trailed along your leg as he placed soft kisses on your nose, cheeks, and finally your lips.
“No les hagas caso.” He murmured, lips still against yours, “Mis ojos solo te ven a ti.”
Warmth flooded your heart, and you were just about to reply, when your son interrupted.
“Nooo, Mama, Papa, stop kissing!” Having said this, he wrapped his arms around Miguel’s neck, clinging to his back. Miguel stood up, holding onto Gabriel’s legs so he wouldn’t fall, and pretended to shake him off his back.
“Oh no! I’m being attacked by the Gabriel-Man!” He shrieked, pretending to scream in pain. “The Gabriel-Man is kidnapping me! Mi amor, help me! He’s going to take me away!”
You laughed, heart swelling at the sight of your loving husband and your child playing together. Gabriel was playfully hitting his fists on his dad’s shoulders, attempting to “defeat him”.
“Don’t worry Mama! I’ll save you from the kissing monster!” He said bravely.
“Oh, my brave Gabriel-Man, always so thoughtful!” How could you not play along? You placed the back of your hand on your forehead for a dramatic effect and leaned back as if about to faint. “The kissing monster was going to kiss the life out of me! What would I do without you?”
This earns a gasp from Miguel.
“Qué?” He grumbles, putting Gabriel down and making his way towards you. “How dare you imply such things! I will steal you for myself now!”
“Noooo Mama! Be careful!” Gabriel yelled, pulling your arm, hoping you’d follow him.
But it was too late – within seconds, Miguel had picked you up and thrown you over his shoulder despite your protests. You giggled and giggled, playfully punching his back, and begging him not to do what he was about to, but to no avail.
It didn’t take a scientist like Miguel to figure out what he was up to.
“Alright, alright, I take it back!” You tried pleading with your husband as he approached the water, but he seemed hellbent on his mission. “You weren’t going to kiss the life out of me! Gabriel-Man, you’ve gotta help me!”
“Noo! Mama, I’ll save you!” But for all the trying your little boy did, he couldn’t stop Miguel, nor could he help you down. After a while of pointless pushing and pulling, he stepped to the side and watched with a wide grin how the water touched your feet with each wave, and laughed loudly when Miguel dived, taking you down with him.
He let go of you, and upon resurfacing, you giggled and gasped in faux betrayal, throwing your arms around Miguel’s shoulders like Gabriel had done.
“How dare you!” You yelled, trying to push his head under the water but failing miserably. Gabriel looked at the both of you expectantly, and you quickly walked over to your son to include him on the family fun. He couldn’t swim yet, so you settled for picking him up and bringing him near Miguel, where the water was at the level of your hips and could do no real harm to Gabriel.
“It seems the kissing monster has won, wouldn’t you say?” Miguel inquired, raising an eyebrow.
“I’m sorry Mama, but he’s too strong!” Gabriel wailed, holding tightly onto you. It was only when he did that, that you realised Miguel had brought you to the water while you were still wearing your beach dress. You looked at it and then at your husband, chuckling and shaking your head.
“It’s okay my love, don’t you worry. This monster’s not so bad after all. Although he did get my dress all wet!” You replied, eyeing your husband.
He just shrugged, as if a soaked dress was the least of his worries – which it technically was.
“Should’ve taken it off, princesa, not my fault.” Miguel splashed some more water on you, which just made Gabriel get even more overprotective – he wrapped his tiny arms around your neck, covering your face with his, and swearing he wouldn’t “let Papa bother you anymore”.
All you could do was smile.
“Don’t worry, Papa never bothers me.”
After a while of splishing and splashing around, you placed Gabriel on the floor, and with him holding your hand, started walking out of the ocean.
As soon as your feet were the only thing it could touch, you took off your soaked dress, earning a whistle from your husband.
“Mierda…” He mumbled under his breath, somewhat imperceptibly, before running a hand through his hair. You looked ravishing. That bikini did wonders for your figure, hugging your body in the perfect way, accentuating the shape of your breasts and panties gracefully flattering on the natural shape of your hips.
And the colour – holy shock, the colour rested against your skin tone, complementing it perfectly. Miguel had to say – you knew exactly what you were doing when you bought that bikini.
He slowly approached you, a sort of low groan erupting in his chest, and that’s when he looked around and found at least a dozen of people staring at you. Men raising their eyebrows comically, licking their lips, women’s jaws opening and closing, unable to form a single sentence.
In that moment, Miguel knew the very thought that was running through all their minds: “Fuck. What a woman.”
He himself felt his swimming shorts too confining for a few moments – Miguel could swear the fabric was tightening around him, but the public beach was not the time nor place to have such filthy thoughts about you. Not when he had to make sure everyone around you knew exactly just who you belonged to.
While you happily made sure your son wouldn’t go too far in the water, Miguel approached you from behind and encircled your waist with his arms, bringing you closer.
“Te ves deliciosa.” He whispered, lips pressing against your cheek, the shell of your ear, your neck. “¿Todo esto es para mí?” To prove his point, he tugged at the straps of your bikini, which filled you with confidence.
Just a few minutes before you were feeling self-conscious, wondering if your handsome husband would perhaps not find you attractive anymore once he looked around himself and saw what other people had to offer – and here we was, almost salivating at the sight of you.
“Like what you see, Mr. O’Hara?” You whispered back in an almost identically sultry voice.
“Muchíssimo.” Miguel answered, hands coming to rest on your waist as his head did the same on your shoulder. A gentle kiss here, a playful nip there.
“In fact, I think you’re the one who has to cover up and never leave the house again.” His sweet words were whispered against your skin, as if he was trying, with all his might, to embed him into you. How could he make sure you knew just how much he loved you, how beautiful he thought you were? Would you ever truly know the way Miguel looked at you? How he saw you in his eyes, what you really were to him?
You laughed, turning to him, cupping his jaw, your whole entire world, in his hands. You kissed his jaw, his cheek, his usual frown (now a gentle smile), before pressing your back to his chest once again. Miguel knew this to be your favourite position – the two of you, holding each other close, as you looked at your son.
For a while, the two of you watched as Gabriel played near the water, collecting seashells and making tiny pools, jumping over each wave and overall, just rediscovered the beauty of the beach. And you were smitten.
“Thank you,” You say, placing your hand on top of his.
“What for?” Was the reply Miguel gave you.
“For taking the day off. For being with us today.”
You could feel Miguel’s smile as you continued to speak.
“I know that things have been a bit hectic in the Spider-Society, and that you’re a busy man; but it means a lot to me that you’re spending time with us. Gabriel thinks it too. He couldn’t shut up about how ‘Papa was taking him to the beach’.”
It was true. All of it. Miguel was a busy man, but he always did his best to be around you, to be around his family and be the best father he possibly could. Even if he was tired and in the brink of exhaustion, he would always spare some time to read Gabriel a bedtime story and hear about your day.
Because Miguel O’Hara had found peace in life, he could allow himself to simply be Miggy, or Papa, as opposed to being Spiderman all the time. Because Miguel O’Hara had found you, he could rest.
How he managed to land such an amazing wife and child, he has no idea. Miguel thinks he must’ve done some really great thing in his past life, like sacrifice himself to save the entire universe, or find a cure to some rare disease. What else could explain how fortunate he was, to marry the woman of his dreams, the woman who filled his days with laughter and love, the one who was always there, who helped and cheered him on every step of the way? And to have a son with her? For her to have given him the honour of making him a father, Miguel is sure he must’ve discovered life in another planet and saved all humankind.
“I’m just glad we can have a good time. I missed hanging out with you both.” He says, hands delicately trailing your hips. “And I most definitely missed seeing you like this.” A wandering finger tugged at your bikini straps once again, and he was rewarded with the most melodious sound in the whole world, your laughter.
What can he say?
He is a lucky man.
“How’s your sandwich, honey?” You asked, looking up to face your son.
Gabriel had gotten hungry, so you gave him one of the tuna sandwiches you packed, along with a juice box. He was sitting on his towel, hat comfortably on his head (Spiderman themed, obviously), while you were lying down on your stomach, silently watching him.
“It’s good! I like the lettuce! It’s gonna make me big and strong like Spiderman, right Mama?” Gabriel O’Hara, ever the Spiderman fan. You nodded to his words.
“Absolutely, honey. You’ll grow up to be just like him if you keep eating your vegetables.”
There was a big chance of him growing up to look like Spiderman, vegetables or not, but you wouldn’t tell him that. Besides, Gabriel was unaware of his father’s secret identity, and you wanted to keep it that way for a long time.
Gabriel kept munching on his snack, and you sighed contentedly, deciding to close your eyes and listen to the sound of the waves hitting the shore. How relaxing it all felt.
Miguel had gone for a swim, and you were waiting for him to come back so you could also eat your sandwich.
So, you settled for watching your little bundle of joy have his lunch.
Just as you’re about to give your eyes some rest (safely assured that your son is okay since he started educating you on the amazing world of sandcastles), you hear Gabriel giggle, and then quickly become quiet.
And then again.
He giggles, and suddenly stops.
You open your eyes, confused as to why your son seems to be acting so weird.
When you look at him, you see him looking behind you and covering his mouth with his hands. What the hell is going on?
But before you can turn around and find out for yourself, you feel a massive weight on top of you.
And not only that –
It’s wet.
Freezing, even.
And that’s when it hits you.
“Miguel!” You shrieked, as your son laughed and laughed and laughed.
“Ah, so comfortable!” Miguel said, adjusting his body so that he wasn’t squeezing you under him, but still pressed his body against yours. “Mijo, have you seen your mother?” He asked comically, pretending to look around.
“Yeah! She’s right there!” Gabriel said with a wide smile, pointing at you.
You wanted to be upset, truly. You’d been lying under the sun for a while, and while your body was scalding hot, his was positively freezing. But anything that got your son to laugh was fine by you, and there was no denying the whole situation was amusing.
“There? Where?” Miguel looked around and scratched his head, appearing truly confused. “I don’t see her. Mi amor? Where are you?”
So you decided to, well, quite literally, flip the situation. You reached your arms up behind you (a rather difficult feat, thanks to the position you were in), and managed to run your fingers along the sides of Miguel’s torso, making him jump in surprise, and roll on to the sand next to you. Sure, he was tall and bulky and strong and somewhat intimidating to the average person. But you were his wife, and you knew Miguel O’Hara to be ticklish in a few spots.
You decide to take advantage of that power, seizing the moment. Miguel is on his back, so you’re quick to tickle him. Soon enough, Gabriel is next to you, the rest of his sandwich carefully folded on top of his towel, and the both of you are tickling the living hell out of your husband.
“Cariño – ah! Ah, mi Cielo, I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” He pleaded in between breaths, laughing loudly at the sudden attack. He could push you two away at any moment, but for now, he wanted to play into it. “I won’t do it again, ah – promise!”
Gabriel seemed to beam at his words.
“Then say Gabriel-Man is the strongest! Say I win!” He gleefully remarked.
“Vale, vale, Gabriel-Man is the strongest! I have been defeated! You win, Gabriel-Man!” Miguel fakes a defeated sigh and drops his hand on the sand with his eyes closed.
“Mama! Mama, we win! See? We won; I saved you!” Gabriel practically jumped on top of you, hugging you tightly. You hugged him back just as tight, smothering him with kisses. No place in his face was untouched by your lips – you covered him in affection and were rewarded with the joyful sounds of your son’s laughter.
“Yes, my love, you did save me! Thank you so much!” You smiled and looked at him with all of the adoration in the entire world.
Meanwhile, Miguel had been watching this interaction with heart eyes, completely smitten by the sight before him. How could he possibly want anything other than the two people in front of him? His loving wife and the amazing son you blessed him with. Miguel feels a rush of affection run in his veins and takes a mental picture of the display before him.
He slowly sits up and smiles at Gabriel, who drops the superhero antics and jumps into his father’s arms.
“I saved you too Papa! I did!” Miguel smiles and holds Gabriel close to him with one arm, using his free one to pull you onto his lap.
“You sure did, mijo.” He looks at you, stars in his eyes, hoping to convey just a fraction of the devotion he feels towards you and Gabriel.
He meets your beautiful eyes and – Fuck. You’re gorgeous. You’re so gorgeous, and you’re his, and he’s so, so lucky to have you.
You wrap your arms around the both of them – your husband and your son, the two lights that shine as one, the lights that serve as guidance in everything you do.
“Enjoying beach day so far?” You question him as you place your lips dangerously close to his.
“Mhm.” Your husband smiles, and you swear you could get lost in this beautiful smile at him. The smile he flashes you when he’s completely there, with you, with no burdens and responsibilities, the one he gives you when he is utterly happy, the one you love waking up to. “In fact, I think we should do this more often.”
You giggle – a the most beautiful sound, in Miguel’s humble opinion – and finally kiss him, hand cupping his jaw. You taste of salt and home, and Miguel wishes he could freeze not only this day, but this particular moment in time. He kisses you softly, savouring the unspoken promises between the two of you, the ones that promise you are not going anywhere. When you pull away for air, he rests his forehead against yours.
Gabriel quickly joined you both, attempting to do the same thing and resting his forehead against his parents’.
A smile graced your lips. You wouldn’t trade this moment for anything.
“Yeah,” You say, “We should.”
A/N: I love this man omg. I just know he'd be super playful when it's just him and his family, he'd come out of the water all wet and be like "Who wants a hug?" to his s/o, even though they're absolutely dry. My delusions are getting the best of me, I swear.
Spanish Translations
No les hagas caso - Don't mind them
Mis ojos solo te ven a ti - I only have eyes for you
Mi amor - My love
Qué? - What?
Princesa - Princess
Mierda - Shit
Te ves deliciosa - You look delicious
¿Todo esto es para mí? - All this for me?
Muchíssimo - Very much
Mijo - My son (It's short for "mi hijo", sort of a sweet nickname used by parents)
Cariño - My dear (Another endearement term used for a significant other)
Mi Cielo - My sky
Vale, vale - Fine, fine
#miguel o'hara fanfiction#miguel o'hara x reader#miguel o'hara x y/n#miguel o'hara scenarios#miguel o'hara x f!reader#miguel o'hara x fem!reader#miguel o'hara#spiderman 2099#miguel x reader#miguel x you#miguel x y/n#miguel ohara x you#miguel ohara x reader#miguel ohara x y/n#spiderman 2099 x you#atsv x reader#atsv x you#miguel spiderman#across the spiderverse fanfiction#astv miguel#astv fanfic#astv fic#spiderverse x you#spiderverse x reader#spiderverse x y/n
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Ghouls + Copia Helping Depressed Reader
Non-Descript!G/n!Reader x Sodo, Swiss, Phantom, Aether, Rain, Mountain, Cumulus, Cirrus and Copia (seperate)
❗️ CW ❗️: loosely depressed/anxious reader, briefly implied eating disorder/trouble eating, very sfw, all fluff, little to no angst, very self indulgent Lmao.
Do not copy, translate or transfer (plagiarise) any of my fics.
SODO
He will cuddle you any time you like, on your best days and during your worst nights.
He's more than happy to stay with you and be a place of warmth and comfort when you feel cold and heavy.
He heats himself up and hums softly as a purr kicks up in his chest after pulling you closer to him.
You know how cats purrs are supposedly healing and help alleviate stress? It's the same with ghouls!
He's also amazing at comforting you when you have random outbursts of irritation or hurt, he has never ending patience for you.
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SWISS
He tries to make you laugh and will happily talk about anything you want. Whether it's your latest interest/obsession or something upsetting that's weighing on your mind.
He strongly encourages you not to be afraid to talk to him about anything, no matter how stupid your pretty little head tells you it sounds.
He wont judge you at all and he tends to know exactly what you need to hear in all the right moments.
He also likes to leave you cute little notes everywhere, with complements and inside jokes scrawled on them because he knows it makes you smile.
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PHANTOM
He will indulge in all the seemingly silly things you want to do.
Want to frolic without a care in the world through a field? He'll bring a picnic.
Want to spontaneously take a day trip somewhere? He's already stealing Copias car keys.
Want to go to the beach at sunset and splash each other in the water? He'll grab some towels and ask if Rain can come.
He loves the weird shit you guys get up to.
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AETHER
He loves to take care of you, coddle you even.
If you're not feeling up to taking a shower, he'll run you a bath and wash your hair for you, all you have to do is lay there and look pretty which he can't see being at all tiring.
It makes him so happy when he makes food for you and you eat even a small spoonful, he gets so proud.
He loves giving you gentle reminders throughout the day as well; to drink some water, take a deep breath, relax your shoulders, unclench your jaw, be gentle with yourself, take a minute alone if you're getting overwhelmed and he's always around if you need anything.
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RAIN
He has such a calming presence you can't help but follow him around like a lost puppy sometimes, feeding off of his peacefulness.
He thinks it's adorable and would never dare ask you to stop.
He's very easygoing and it's completely okay if you don't want to talk or if you want him to stop moving around for while, he can sit in complete silence with you without making you feel awkward.
He doesn't care if Imperator gets mad that he didn't finish his chores, your mind's giving you some peace and quiet for once and he refuses to disrupt that.
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MOUNTAIN
He takes pride in being able to help you to do the little things without overstepping your boundaries, like when he gently coaxes you out of bed and be outside with him for even two minutes.
Just getting some fresh air in your lungs, he holds your head softly to his chest so you can hear his steady heartbeat.
He watches the sun slowly disappear into the horizon as the breeze gently caresses your skin.
Once the sun has fully set he guides you back inside to see if you want to watch your favourite movie in a pillow fort.
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CUMULUS
She mixes up calming herbs from Mountains greenhouse and puts them into a spray bottle for you so you can spray it around your room.
She also makes a body spray version of it if you find it helps.
She'll also help you clean your room if you feel too tired to do it on your own.
She'll also help Aether wash your hair in the sink or bath if you don't have enough energy to shower.
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CIRRUS
She helps gently motivate you to continue your hobbies (e.g reading, writing, sports) and doing small chores around the abbey but she won't be pushy about it.
If you're not up for it and just want a day in bed, that's okay! She'll get Imperator off your back.
If you do feel up for it, she'll keep you company while you do your chores.
She will certainly learn about your hobbies just so she can talk to you about them and try to help you engage with said hobby.
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COPIA
He has a special soft spot for you.
He knows hearing his voice is soothing so he usually sits with his back against the headboard of his bed and you laying with your back against his chest while he talks aimlessly or reads a book to you.
This is one of the few times he lets all his rats out of their cage at once so they can snuggle against you.
He tells stories about his rats as well, made up ones and real ones.
He's over all very gentle with you.
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At the end of the day, they all want you to feel safe around them. They want to supply you with any sort of affection you need. They want to know whats been going on for you. They want to be a source of happiness for you always.
#ghost band#the band ghost#cardinal copia#dewdrop ghost#phantom ghost#swiss ghost#aether ghost#rain ghost#mountain ghost#sodo ghost#swiss ghoul#sodo ghoul#phantom ghoul#aether ghoul#rain ghoul#mountain ghoul#dewdrop ghoul#sodo ghoul x reader#swiss ghoul x reader#phantom ghoul x reader#aether ghoul x reader#rain ghoul x reader#mountain ghoul x reader#depressed reader#papa emeritus 4#papa emeritus iv#copia x reader#cardinal copia x reader#papa emeritus iv x reader#i write
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20 Questions for Writers
I was tagged by @elvain! Thank you so much! 💖
1. How many works do you have on AO3? We're currently sitting at 29 (28 for Tolkien, and 1 for OFMD)
2. What's your total AO3 word count? Based on everything I've POSTED on ao3, we're at 659,963 words, but I have plenty of things that I've yet to post!
3. What fandoms do you write for? Tolkien (Bagginshield), mostly. Though I've written for OFMD once, and wouldn't mind revisiting that fandom!
4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos? May Your Forge Burn Bright / (Take Me Back To) The Night We Met / Dragonhearted / An Ink-Stained Vow / Concerning Dwobbits
5. Do you respond to comments? I always try to, anyway. There may be some that I just don't get to (I'm sorry!)
6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? I am predominantly a "happy ending" fic writer, I don't actually think I've written something that has a sad or angsty ending?
7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? All of them are happy endings, if I can help it! I think my favorite happy ending so far is from When Darkness Shines Brightest - the fic overall is so angsty, and for it to have a happily ever after, it makes it worth it.
8. Do you get hate on fics? I have, yeah, and it's not a fun feeling.
9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind? I do write smut for Bagginshield, so m/m, and nothing too crazy I don't think? Very simple, very vanilla lol
10. Do you write crossovers? I don't. I DO have an idea for one, though, it just may never actually happen.
11. Have you ever had a fic stolen? Not that I'm aware of.
12. Have you ever had a fic translated? Nope.
13. Have you ever co-written a fic before? I have, yep!
14. What’s your all time favorite ship? Bagginshield, hands down!
15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will? This is a hard one, I have so many IDEAS that have yet to reach WIP stage, so I don't know. I am pretty hell-bent on finishing everything that's actively in progress, currently.
16. What are your writing strengths? Descriptions, maybe? I am wordy...and like establishing every single little detail if possible. I also like to think the dialogue I put out is pretty decent!
17. What are your writing weaknesses? Definitely angsty content/dark themes, battle scenes, but also just overall self-confidence? I think I struggle with maybe being a little TOO wordy sometimes.
18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic? I'm definitely okay with it! Khuzdul, for the win!
19. First fandom you wrote for? For actual fanfic, Tolkien!
20. Favorite fic you’ve written? I love all of my fics for various reasons, but I think my absolute favorite right now has to be Bookbinder//Songwriter, which is still ongoing. But Dragonhearted is a close second - a mashup of The Hobbit and Beauty & The Beast? Yes!!
Tagging: @myeaglesong @i-did-not-mean-to @scyllas-revenge @blueberryrock @perkynurples @ahufflepuffhobbit @blairsanne @cilil @niennawept @fishing4stars and anyone else who wants to play tbh
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20 Questions for Fic Writers
tagged by @neverevan @made-ofmemories and @diazsdimples thank you!
How many works do you have on ao3?
6! I only started writing a little over a year ago and I am a very, very slow writer.
2. What's your total ao3 word count?
68,008
3. What fandoms do you write for?
9-1-1 only at the moment.
4. Top 5 fics by kudos:
I got a bed but I’d rather be in ours tonight (6.7k, Buddie, Explicit)
Thighs and Eyes (3.7k, Buddie, Explicit)
Kiss your lips blue (7k, Buddie, Explicit)
I'll Be Your Gift, Give You Something Good To Celebrate (6.4k, Buddie, Explicit)
Sweet Nothing (37.8k, Buddie, Teen and up)
5. Do you respond to comments?
Yes!!! Every time, comments absolutely make my day and I don't feel like my responses ever do justice to just how giddy I am when I get a nice comment!
6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?
I don't think any of my fics are even remotely angsty (though maybe some in the near future might be idk idk) but I don't think I could ever write something with an angsty ending. Happy endings only over here.
7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?
I think all of my fics have very happy endings but I'll go with Sweet Nothing maybe, as it's super happy with also hints at even more happiness in their future too. :)
8. Do you get hate on fics?
So far no, thank god.
9. Do you write smut?
Most definitely, four of the six fics I have up are smut but I always like to put a lot of plot in there too!
10. Craziest crossover?
I don't write crossovers, it's just not my thing personally.
11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?
Not that I know of, I really hope not.
12. Have you ever had a fic translated?
No, put people are welcome to as long as they link my fic :)
13. Have you co-written a fic before?
No but I hope to soon!
14. All time favorite ship?
Buddie buddie buddie buddie buddie
15. What's a wip you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?
I have a few I started when I first got into 911 that would need some crazy reworking to still make sense but I'm still hopeful lol. The hangover au is really hanging on by a thread because the 911 writers blatantly stole my idea to steal the hangover movie's idea (jk) I'll definitely still write it but it's kinda been put on hold.
16. What are your writing strengths?
I think I'm good at writing descriptively? I also get some lovely comments on how I write emotions which makes me very happy :)
17. What are your writing weaknesses?
I think my pacing could use a lot of work. Sometimes things feel a little too fast and other times I go on for too long. My dialogue can also be hit or miss depending on the character.
18. Thoughts on dialogue in another language?
I can't speak any language other than English and like super basic Irish so I just don't trust myself to write in another language well. If I had someone's help I would be open to it though.
19. First fandom you wrote in?
I think I wrote one direction fics back when I was like 12-15 but I only actually posted one fic before I started writing for 911 and that was destiel about a decade ago (and it was deleted like 6 months later)
20. Favorite fic you've written?
Ahhhh I'm not sure, I have things I both love and hate about all of them, but I think I have to pick Sweet Nothing because I put my heart and soul into that fic for months and it inspired me to keep writing longer fics.
I feel like most people have already been tagged so sorry if you've already done this, but tagging: @wikiangela @watchyourbuck @spagheddiediaz @thewolvesof1998 @rogerzsteven
@jesuisici33 @sunshinediaz @daffi-990 @rainbow-nerdss @theotherbuckley
+ whoever else wants to do it!
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20 Questions for Fic Writers
thanks for the tags beloveds @wikiangela @spotsandsocks @bi-buckrights @hippolotamus 🩵
How many works do you have on ao3?
—246
What's your total ao3 word count?
—1,469,436
What fandoms do you write for?
— 911, teen wolf, animal kingdom (not actively but still counting it)
Top five fics by kudos:
if i lay here, would you lie with me (forget the world)
nobody can do everything
i want to love you (but i don't know how)
five + 1 (idk who allowed me to name a fic this 💀)
someone to stay
Do you respond to comments?
—always! even if it takes me a few weeks, i always respond to them. i'm so so appreciative of anyone who takes the time to leave them 🥹
What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?
—come back home (version 2) i just had to get it out of my system, sorry 🥲
What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?
mmm, idk besides the one listed above and one other, they're all really sappy and fluffy endings 😅 it'll probably end up being whatever sappy ass ending i write for the chris doesn't come back au after everything i've put them through 😂
Do you get hate on fics?
—not really, more like just annoying people nitpicking stupid things
Do you write smut?
—i do indeed 😏 can't say if it's good, but i've got lots of it posted 😂
Craziest crossover:
—umm i write tons of au's but idk if this refers to that or doing an actual crossover with another fandom?? i wish not to talk about the one that still haunts me, but i did use characters from the step up movie for my au: let me lose myself
Have you ever had a fic stolen?
—not that i know of...
Have you ever had a fic translated?
—somebody asked once but idk what ever happened with that
Have you ever cowritten a fic before?
i have! 3 different times with my wife @loserdiaz 🫶🏻
—no body, no crime
—this is my idea of fun (playing video games)
—i don't want to keep secrets just to keep you
All time favourite ship?
—buddie! the brainrot for them has been unmatched jsiodj
What's a wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will?
—uhhh probably my divergent au...i've had the placeholder for insurgent with like 3 sentences sitting in my wip folder for forever 😬
What are your writing strengths?
—i'll just list the things people have told me because i have no idea sjwioe. i always get compliments on my characterization, descriptions, and metaphors <3
What are your writing weaknesses?
—shutting the fuck up and writing anything short 🫠
Thoughts on dialogue in another language?
—i've done it in the past but not really anymore
First fandom you wrote in?
—teen wolf
Favorite fic you've written?
—that's like asking me to pick between my nonexistent children 😭
i'm picking 3 idc
coastlines
if i lay here, would you lie with me (forget the world)
the ducking of evan buckley
tagging: @redlightsandicedtea @monsterrae1 @honestlydarkprincess @onward--upward @daffi-990 @wildlife4life @underwaterninja13 @bigfootsmom @thewolvesof1998 @eddiebabygirldiaz @elvensorceress @zainclaw @watchyourbuck @ronordmann @queerbuckleys @spaceprincessem @jacksadventuresinwriting
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20 Questions for Fic Writers
Tagged by @tizniz thank you darling 🥰🩵
How many works do you have on ao3?
17! Soon to be 18 (hopefully).
What's your total ao3 word count?
78,569 words
What fandoms do you write for?
Currently 9-1-1 and previously one or two chapters on a Sherlock fic my sibling started YEARS ago.
Top 5 fics by kudos:
1. Lost Control And Rang Your Bell
2. To The Core (I Love You)
3. What Breathing Feels Like
4. Baby, I'm Never Gonna Leave You
5. Our Shoulders Touch, There's A Moment
Do you respond to comments?
Yes! I try to get every single one 🥰
What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?
Yet to be published 😉. Published though, probably Baby, I'm Never Gonna Leave You. It's not angsty per se, it's more ominous.
What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?
I try for happy endings always (it's the Jane Austen in me), but I'd say the fic with the happiest ending would be The Pain Is UnBEARable. Friends to fiances 😁!
Do you get hate on fics?
Once? I really don't know if it was hate or just frustration? I mean, it was an open ending so just... ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ sorry?
Do you write smut?
I'm trying! I posted my first one last week 😁: And Every New Boy That You Meet (He Doesn't Know The Real Surprise) (part 2 is in progress)
Craziest crossover?
Haven't written any.
Have you ever had a fic stolen?
God, I hope not.
Have you ever had a fic translated?
I don't think so?
Have you co-written a fic before?
Once. The Sherlock one my sibling wrote. They put me as co-author but the majority is theirs.
All time favorite ship?
Buddie! They have altered my brain chemistry.
What's a wip you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?
There's a wip I keep going back to that I have a love/hate relationship with. The scenes and the lines and the descriptions are some of the best I think I've ever written. But the premise is iffy at best. We'll see. If I can get a solid enough plot and if Buck gives me an explanation for what the hell he does in that fic, I might finish it.
What are your writing strengths?
Hmmm... I've been told a lot of my fics feel like episodes and the characters' voices are pretty good. So I guess the pacing of my fics? (Which shocks me because I really suck at pacing my original works).
What are your writing weaknesses?
Description. I just don't do the long and beautiful descriptions or the super detailed whump scenes very well. It takes practice, but it seems to be a talent I just don't have.
Thoughts on dialogue in another language?
I like it, but I don't do it very much. I don't want people to tell me I'm an idiot for getting something wrong.
First fandom you wrote in?
Sherlock.
Favorite fic you've written?
My beloved Hildy fic. I treasure it. It freaking flopped but it is my baby. I love the entire Danger Prone Diaz series so far, but They Say She's Gone To Far (This Time) was so much fun.
Tags: @lover-of-mine @monsterrae1 @loveyouanyway @steadfastsaturnsrings @ronordmann @daffi-990 @wikiangela @thekristen999 @bidisasterevankinard @kitteneddiediaz @actuallyitsellie @hippolotamus @diazsdimples @exhuastedpigeon @spagheddiediaz @theotherbuckley @wildlife4life @fortheloveofbuddie and anyone else who wants to! 🥰🩷 (if I missed you I'm sorry)
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so the most recent fics I’ve read on my kindle are the first two parts of the time has come today series by teen_dean (@urne-buriall on tumblr I think). and these are so good. I’ll elaborate more in my fic review but I am excited to share the cover I developed for my kindle collection because I really enjoyed going through different iterations of this cover. I’m just posting the cover I landed on for now, but I think I will share some of the other iterations which include design choices that I cut and edited at length(in another post or reblog later).
Fic review, cover design notes and a small disclaimer under the page break:)
fic review: I’m not always one to love casefics, watching cases passively on screen is one thing, but I can’t always immerse myself in a case to keep interest. I’m more one for character dynamics and the dynamics here are so interesting and introspective and funny I can’t get enough.
When it comes to the characterizations the author really nails it too. They are so close to canon that when I inevitably dissociate from atmospheric chemistry seminars and start thinking about supernatural, I can’t remember if something happened in their fic or on screen. I love these characters and teen_dean obviously does too because they treat their characterization so carefully. The cover I designed references scenery and plot points related to the case part of the fic, but I wish I could have incorporated the deep and thoughtful character analysis that is part of this fic.
And the imagery, particularly the west coast imagery, is. so. good. Very rarely am ever I struck with the desire to draw imagery described in writing, but it struck me at multiple times throughout this. most noteably the cas in the orchard paragraph highlighted in one of my pics towards the end of young hearts (will it be my first castiel fan art??? I certainly hope so.) chef’s kiss.
I really thought I would take a break after finishing young hearts, but I wasn’t ready to not know what happened to teen dean and past-cas in the next fic so I’m reading the rules of have changed today now and I have no regrets.
some notes on the cover design: I’m not sure this translates to the end result, but the glowing text of the title/author/everything-else was meant to represent the flickering lights of neon signage you might see in a dive bar. The description of Schaffer’s bar at the beginning and end of the first part is rich and another example of really capturing the feeling of canon (which I should mention is something the author does really well through scenery too). I don’t think I necessarily got the colors right (I initially imagined a larger color palette), but I’m feeling pretty good about the glowing aspect of it. In a print book format, I’d like all of the red to be metallic embossed.
Its very faint, but I included the silhouette of a mountainscape with silhouettes of dark watchers watching in the background. I think you have to zoom in to see them though. So I included a zoomed in image of two of the dark watchers. See if you can spot the other two!!
The last thing I wanted to mention is that I know arimaspians are typically one-eyed (on their heads). I took a creative liberty and put an eye on the hand.
lastly, a disclaimer: I know that teen_dean already has a cover and print typeset for their fic on their page. I just wanted to add my creative twist on it for my kindle collection and wanted to share it with you all :’). I should say explicitly that this was not designed in communication with the fic author. I do not take any credit for the fic (credit to the story goes to the author and characters to the cw). if teen_dean comes across this I especially hope they enjoy it<3, but if for any reason you (teen_dean/urne-buriall) don’t want to be associated with this cover, please contact me and I will take this down.
#time has come today#teen_dean#destiel fic#destiel#fanfic cover art#cover art#fic reviews#fic review#deancas#kindle#reading fanfiction on a kindle
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20 q's for fic writers
thank you sooo so much for tagging me @kay-elle-cee I unfortunately could not approach this in a completely earnest fashion due to who I am as a person, so everyone please take this slightly ersatz set of answers with all of the love I intend…which is a lot I swear…
AO3 Username: clarewithnoi (pronounced 'clare with no eye')
1. How many works do you have on A03? lol I keep orphaning stories when they annoy me but for now 37 (I think?)
2. What’s your total Ao3 word count? 403,419…what is this word city
3. What fandoms do you write for? Harry Potter, Percy Jackson, others which I have not published lol
4. What are your top five fics by kudos?
not the statistics page!!!!!!! john mulaney voice that's the thing I'm sensitive about!!!!!!
one long day (all my love will make you shake) at 1,151 WOW my god I did not realize it had surpassed 1k!!! did I know that? holy shit!
I will carry you, always at 873 ok this is also shocking but I do know that my they-lived AUs tend to be more popular and they're older so they've had time to accumulate hits
foreigner's god at 701 still can't believe this <3
theogony at 682 (!!)
growing pains at 675 another they-lived AU! I really carved out a niche early on
5. Do you respond to comments? don't look at me…I always want to…I swear I just get overwhelmed…put the gun down please…
6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? uhhhh jesus idk, probably the derelict art of letting go? I don't write a lot of angst but I guess that one is on the sadder side
7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? foreigner's god! or I will carry you always! in one of them I contend with reincarnation and shared grief and second chances at life. in the other one they hook up in the DADA classroom. so it's a toss-up
8. Do you get hate on fics? not really, and given the number of public fights I've had on this account you'd think that people would take their dislike of me to ao3 more often, but everyone's been remarkably charitable in that regard. thanks guys <3
9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind? only if I can exorcise personal trauma through it. or if it's 2020 and I'm dissociating in my studio apartment.
10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written? no and no one say theogony or I'm turning this bus around
11. Have you ever had a fic stolen? yessiree and it was not pleasant!
12. Have you ever had a fic translated? yes! a few! the ones with my permission were lovely. the ones without my permission not as much.
13. Have you ever co-written a fic before? naur…
14. What’s your all time favorite ship? it's like a three-way tie between jily, percabeth, and zelink tbh! but I've mainly read jily fic in the past few years I think. but this answer can change dependent on me developing a new hyperfixation lmao
15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will? the last time I answered this question I did it as a joke and then I wrote theogony about it so I'm going to choose peace and just plead the fifth here lest I commit to another wip that'll take three years
16. What are your writing strengths? I do a lot of (an excess of) research, I'm good at description, I am funny when I want to be, I've had some really good prose moments if I do say so myself (I do)
17. What are your writing weaknesses? I am structurally a very weak writer, I can't be succinct, I don't have a great literature background so I never really know what I'm in conversation with and have limited points of reference for writing, I am very bad at writing characters who are subtle about their emotions/romantic feelings, I submit to time pressure and rush myself, the list goes on
18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic? I've always wanted to write a fic in Spanish omgggg
19. First fandom you wrote for? either Zelink or Percabeth when I was like 12 lol.
20. Favourite fic you’ve written? theogony!
tagging @thequibblah yes I know you've been tagged already. cope <3 and @mipwrites go get 'em champ
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20 Questions for fic writers
Thanks @wellbelesbian for tagging me. Such fun questions! Tags below the cut.
How many works do you have on AO3
68! Wow, I did not realize this.
2. What's your total AO3 word count?
134,335
3. What fandoms do you write for?
The Carry On Series aka Simon Snow fandom aka Snobaz
4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?
When the Ink Dries
Can I Change My Mind (this one blows my mind, how it continues to stay at the top)
Namaste Away
Every Lover Has A Little Dagger In Their Hand
We're So Starving
5. Do you respond to comments? Why or Why not?
I try to, but I'm very bad at it. It's something I need to work on.
6. What is a fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?
We Were Pity Sex, Nothing More and Nothing Less It doesn't even pretend to be kind.
Also, I'm Right Where You Left Me It's short, but cuts right to the bone.
7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?
Most of mine do have a happy ending (when I go sad, I go hard). If I had to choose a few, I suppose:
Where Did the Party Go?
Believe
Namaste Away
8. Do you get hate on fics?
No. Had a few recommendations on how to tag a few works, or to make it more user friendly but everyone has always been very kind with those suggestions. The Carry On fandom is a really good fandom.
9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?
I'm slowly dipping my toes in that water. I've posted a few works that have smut, but I'm still very tentative about it. I don't know what kind really. Regular?
10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?
I do not
11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?
Not that I'm aware of
12. Have you ever had a fic translated?
Not to my knowledge
13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?
I have not, but I'm not opposed to it.
14. What's your all time favorite ship?
Snobaz, hands down. It's the one I come back to every time. My comfort ship.
15. What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?
I have 2 WIP currently and both of those will be finished. My other WIP not on AO3 are just sitting in my google docs, where no one can see them shivering in the corner, neglected.
16 What are your writing strengths?
Oof. I'd like to think I'm good at dialogue.
17. What are your writing weaknesses?
Descriptions and setting a scene. I'm working on it though, and that's the important bit I suppose *shrugs shoulders in Simon*
18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?
Not something I've attempted. I won't say I never will, but I will probably not unless I absolutely have to
19. First fandom you wrote for?
Somewhere, in the depths of fanfic.net are my abandoned Twilight fics. And that is where they will stay until the death of the planet.
20. Favorite fic you've written?
I have a few and when I'm questioning why I think I should be doing this at all, I read them to remember I started because I wanted to write the stories I wanted to read.
When The Ink Dries - I started this fic waaaaay before I ever posted it and it was the reason I decided to participate in my first Carry On Big Bang. It's my fic first born.
I'm Not A Pitch - This fic popped my AO3 cherry. I posted it before I could second guess myself. It's full of errors, but I wouldn't change anything about it.
Vibe Check - I wrote this in a few hours when I was feeling silly and it is still one of my favorites
Who Wants Ramen? - My friend and I giggled endlessly when I plotted this one out.
You Can Call Me Babe for the Weekend - I spend a lot of time listening to music and plotting out the story that a 3-4 minutes song can tell. 'Tis the Damn Season was an immediate movie in my head and as soon as I could plot it out and put it on paper (so to speak) I did.
And last but not least Sugar, We're Going Down Swingin - This is pure self indulgence. I got into hockey, I wanted the boys to be hockey players...bam, here's a fic with almost no hockey in it, but sometimes they talk about it.
I'm don't know who's already been tagged, so sorry if I double up:
@facewithoutheart @imagineacoolusername @artsyunderstudy @shemakesmeforget @ivelovedhimthroughworse @ionlydrinkhotwater @rimeswithpurple @aristocratic-otter @cutestkilla @blackberrysummerblog @nausikaaa @supercutedinosaurs @nightimedreamersworld @valeffelees @iamamythologicalcreature @shrekgogurt @ileadacharmedlife @martsonmars @you-remind-me-of-the-babe
#tag game#big thank you to all who support my fics#seriously#it means the world to me#prettygoododdsfic#prettygoododds#snowbaz#simon snow series#carry on fanfiction#carry on fandom#snobaz#simon snow#baz pitch#carry on series#simon and baz#simon baz
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When September Ends // part three.
Min Yoongi x female reader
Summary: Six years after leaving your home planet, you’re forced to confront your past… and the one you left behind.
Word Count: 2,967
Genre: Star Wars au, friends to enemies to lovers, angst
Warnings: minor character death, survivor's guilt, yoongi has anger issues, mentions of the death of an entire planet, anxiety, alcohol, reader character suffers from the burden of high expectations, mentions of torture (nothing explicit), mentions of needles, hospitalization, brief descriptions of scarring, brief descriptions of panic, hospitalization, an assassination attempt, a gun fight, murder
Notes: Thanks to @daechwitatamic and @the-boy-meets-evil for listening to me complain about this fic, helping me plan, and beta-ing for me; to @oddinary4btsfor the late-game encouragement and edits.
Playlist: All of the poetry in this fic has been pulled from various songs and poems. You can find all the songs (and some others) in the playlist that I made for this fic on Spotify.
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Tee is still humming a soothing tune when you land on Orto Plutonia what feels like eons later. Your breathing has evened a bit, and your heart is no longer racing, but you still feel like there’s a rock in your stomach, and a bantha seems to be standing on your chest. But you push those feelings aside–you’ll get over it, eventually. You have a lifetime to mourn and move on from the loss of… whatever your relationship with Yoongi was.
You stand and stretch, and you can feel Tee’s hand on your back, steadying you. You glance outside through the windshield. The wind is blowing gently, taking clumps of snow and ice with it. Why did you always assign yourself to the frozen planets? Apparently you hadn’t gotten enough of it on Fest or Hoth–you had to continue the torture, even when it was your choice.
Could have gone to Canto Bight, you lament silently, shrugging on the long, puffy coat you’d brought. Could have gone undercover as a cards dealer. But no. Had to come to the furthest planet possible.
You step off the ship, Tee clanking down the access ramp behind you, and you’re greeted by a tall, fuzzy creature with two sets of eyes. He raises a hand in greeting, and you respond in kind.
“Thank you for letting me come to your planet,” you say to the Talz. “I hope to leave as soon as possible.”
Tee translates for you, a string of grunts and growls and snuffles. It’s one of the perks of having a custom-built droid. She’s part medical droid, part protocol droid, part pilot, part whatever else you need her to be. You introduce yourself and the Talz–whose name, you learn, is Multap–leads you up an icy slope to the village where his father is chieftain.
Despite the wind, it’s surprisingly not that cold. Your coat does a good job of warding off the chill. Multap shows you the hut you’ll be using as home base and leaves. The Talz seem peaceful, but part of you is glad they’ll be leaving you alone for the most part. You aren’t particularly ready to have a mission partner.
It’s a simple reconnaissance mission. Word had gotten to the Alliance that the Empire was scouting planets in the Outer Rim to build secret research bases. Orto Plutonia happens to be one of those planets. There are seven Alliance agents–eight, including you–currently exploring the ice planet, looking for signs of the Empire. You each have a sector to scour and report back on. It was estimated that the whole thing would take two months. Just long enough for you to figure out the rest of your life.
You settle into the hut easily. Tee brings a few crates from the ship and you begin to build your home for the foreseeable future. One of the crates contains a long-range communications terminal. As you assemble it, you can’t help but think of the irony of it. It was Yoongi’s brother who had taught you how to put together most communications equipment. He’d taught you how to build it, how to repair it, how to hack it. Everything he’d learned in the factory on Fest. And as you gently plug the final ribbon wire into the board, you flick on the power and the terminal’s screen springs to life.
Thanks, Dae, you think dryly.
You take some time to double-check the encryption, making sure it fits the most recent Alliance ciphers before sending off a quick message that you’d arrived safely.
Yoongi sits in the mess hall. He’s still cold, still hates this planet, still hasn’t slept. Mostly, he’s been assigned to sorting through intelligence sent in from resistance agents stationed in every far-flung corner of the galaxy. He’s been up to his ears in data, rumors, and flat-out lies. Finally, he gets a break from it all, but almost immediately, his brain floods with thoughts.
Thoughts Yoongi doesn’t particularly want. Thoughts that keep him up at night.
There’s a weight pressing on him, like he’s trapped under the rubble of a building that’s just fallen down. His lungs feel heavy, his heart is a rock in his chest. He’s angry, but now, it’s mostly just directed inward.
His caf is cool in its mug when two trays plop down on the table in front of him. Yoongi looks up to see Namjoon and Seokjin–another member of Namjoon’s band of lost-and-found. Namjoon smiles, and there’s something soft and kind in his eyes. It’s not pity, Yoongi thinks, but something more akin to understanding and empathy. He’s had some time to get to know Namjoon, and ultimately, he likes the young leader. Yoongi can see a lot of himself in Namjoon, he can see hints of sorrow just under the surface. Namjoon only lets it show when he thinks no one’s looking, but Yoongi is always looking. It’s his job to look, to observe.
Seokjin, almost eerily, is polished, always perfect. He’s always got a joke, always knows the right thing to say, always has control of the situation. He’s taller than Yoongi, but he has an impeccable talent for disappearing into crowds. He’s jovial, but there’s a subtlety to him that Yoongi appreciates. But Seokjin hates to be alone, and more often than not, Namjoon and Seokjin can be found together.
“How are you feeling?” Namjoon asks gently. Yoongi barely looks up from his caf, a glare and a scowl evident on his features. Namjoon nods. “Ah.”
“You shouldn’t make faces like that, Yoongi-ah,” Seokjin scolds playfully, pointing a spoon in the younger man’s direction. “Your face will freeze and people will think that you’re a Dressellian.”
Yoongi rolls his eyes, but he does his best to school his face into something more neutral. It’s not either of their faults that he feels this way. He should at least try to not take it out on them.
“What do you want?” It comes out harsher than intended, and Yoongi winces at the edge to his voice. But there’s a crack, too, and he thinks that Namjoon picks up on it, because the young leader smiles gently.
“How would you like to get off this frozen rock for a while?”
Three weeks of uneventful scouting pass. You get used to the cold after a few days, but the food Multap brings you is absolutely abhorrent. Thankfully, you’d brought some rations to supplement the Talz’s generosity, but god, you aren’t sure how long you can survive on bland root vegetables and flavorless broth.
Entirely by chance, you finally get a lead one morning when your dreams are plagued with images of things–people, a person–you’d rather not dwell on. You give up sleeping sometime in the wee hours of the morning, before the sun has risen over the snow-covered horizon, and so you make yourself a cup of caf and sit by the window, watching the sky change colors. Suddenly, a small craft flies slowly overhead, the red lights of its rear thrusters standing out against the darkness.
You dress quickly, grab your gear, and within minutes, you’re out the door. Tee is hot on your heels, complaining the whole way about how you need more sleep. It’s strange and exhilarating, this unplanned recon. Normally, you’d meticulously plan, come up with contingency plans, make sure you knew what would come next. But there’s no time, and maybe something in you is excited to not have a plan for once.
It’s eerily quiet out in the snowfields. It’s fairly flat, which makes it infinitely easier to track the ship to where it lands. However, that also means there’s almost no cover. You manage to duck into a rocky outcropping, peeking out around the crag to watch. Tee sits behind you, folding up her arms and legs, making herself small. Her metal is a black matte, and she stands out against the snow, but she shoves herself against the rocks to lessen the chances of being spotted.
A small group of stormtroopers–two lines of four–march out of the ship, guns in hand. They approach a set of several makeshift buildings nestled against the cliffs. The buildings all bear the Empire’s insignia and are no larger than military tents with solid sides. The troopers stop just outside of the foremost building and salute. You can see at least one Imperial officer standing at the entrance. He moves aside to let them in.
“What are they doing here?” you whisper. Tee beeps lowly in response. It’s not what you were expecting, but you also know she’s recording, creating something concrete you can send back to the rebellion when you’re back to the hut.
But when you shift your weight so you’re more comfortably pressed against the crag, you hear something click. Far too late, you register that it’s the sound of a blaster coming off of safe mode. You freeze, raise your hands. Slowly, you turn.
Commodore Grafner stands in front of you, blaster at the ready.
“Hello, bartender.”
The cursor on Yoongi’s datapad blinks at him, judging him. He hasn’t written anything. Yet. He hasn’t written anything in a while. Poetry used to be a comfort, a way to calm his mind when his thoughts turn ugly. He’s always been able to take the storm in his head and turn it into a stanza or two, to separate himself from the emotions so he could examine and work through them outside of himself.
But his recent nightmares have stuck in his mind’s eye so spectacularly that he’s having a hard time putting things down in his notes. It’s been weeks, and he’s barely gotten any sleep because every time he tries, he sees the same damn thing.
You’re there. Because of course you are. Yoongi does his best to push you to the back of his mind during his waking hours, but his dreams have a different idea. And what’s sad is, nothing ever really happens in the dreams. You’re there, and Yoongi’s there, but you don’t say anything and you don’t do anything, but for some reason, he wakes with the most disturbed, dread-filled feeling in the pit of his stomach. It fucks up his whole day, clouds his mind when he should be focused on other things.
He’s running on empty at this point, and he’s positive that he’s going to pass out in the middle of some corridor. Thanks to Namjoon, he’s stationed in an unfamiliar place–a Mon Calamari star cruiser orbiting around some Outer Rim asteroid–which means he can’t just go hide in some convenient corner when he feels like this.
But for now, he’s chugging caf from a reusable cup, tucked up against one of the windows of the cruiser. The asteroid is just barely visible below, its craggy surface hiding a smuggler’s haven. Yoongi sighs, leans his head back against the steel support beam surrounding the window, and curses his datapad, turning it off.
“Has it offended you in some way?” Seokjin’s voice makes Yoongi jump, and he hits the back of his head off the steel behind him. The older man apologizes and hands him a fresh cup of caf. “Mind if I crash the party?”
For a moment, Yoongi is tempted to reject him. He’s not really in the mood for Seokjin’s jokes. But at the same time, it’s not like he’s really doing anything. He may as well not do anything with Seokjin. So he gestures to the rest of the empty space in front of the window silently.
Seokjin sits, mirroring Yoongi, his back against the beam on the other side of the window. He sips at his caf, eyes on the asteroid below.
“I didn’t think it would be so pretty,” he says, nodding to the empty space outside the window.
It’s true. The striations and bands of minerals on the surface of the asteroid, pockmarked by impacts from meteors and ore drilling, are strikingly beautiful. Twice a day, the asteroid is in perfect view of all of the planets in the system it orbits in, and the glows from the star’s light through the planets’ atmospheres turns the space around the asteroid into a kaleidoscope of colors.
Seokjin clears his throat. His tone is somber when he speaks. “I uh… I get nightmares too, sometimes,” he says quietly. For a moment, Yoongi is confused, but then the older man continues. “The walls are really thin, you know. I guess I should consider myself lucky that you’re only having nightmares and not really good dreams.” It’s a joke, but he says it so seriously that Yoongi can’t even bring himself to be offended by the innuendo. “But I… I wanted to tell you that. That you aren’t alone, I mean. I have a lot of regrets about where I left things with some people. That’s mostly what I dream about. And I would give anything to be able to go back and fix things.”
There’s a sharp response on the tip of Yoongi’s tongue, something along the lines of telling Seokjin to kindly and immediately fuck off, but he never gets to say it. Just as he opens his mouth, Namjoon appears behind them.
“We need your help with the comms array.” It’s directed toward Yoongi.
His reply dies in his throat, the venom gone with the moment. Seokjin says nothing about it, merely stands and asks if Yoongi wants him to toss his cup for him.
It’s infuriating.
They took your coat. It’s freezing in the Empire’s makeshift buildings, and they’ve left you with no protection from the cold. Thankfully, the walls keep out the wind, but they’re so thin that they do almost nothing to keep heat in. You’re alone in an empty room, hands secured behind you to the chair you’re sitting in. There’s no way for you to tell how long you’ve been here, but it feels like at least an hour since they threw you in the holding cell.
You have no idea where Tee is, they separated you from her when Grafner brought you in. As annoying as the droid can be, you’re a little distraught at the idea that she’s been destroyed. It’s a small comfort that you don’t currently need her, though that’s probably more a testament to the adrenaline running through your veins than your ability to avoid panicking.
The door hisses open, and you have to force yourself not to look. You aren’t successful. Grafner enters the room flanked by two troopers with blasters at the ready. The lieutenant’s face is neutral, which makes you nervous. If he were visibly angry, or excited, or something, you could at least make a guess as to what’s about to happen.
That’s not entirely true. You can certainly assume what is about to happen.
He circles you slowly, silently. Each step echoes a hundred times louder in your ears. Finally, when he’s behind you, he speaks.
“I would offer you the easy way of doing things, but I think we both know how that would go.” You can hear him begin to pace from one side of the room to the other. He never goes far enough for you to be able to see him. “I hope you can appreciate that I’m on a tight schedule here. I’d rather not waste time.” He steps into your field of view then, but just barely. “Perhaps, you will see that it is in your best interest to cooperate. And if not…”
The door opens again, and a droid floats in. You can almost see your reflection in its shiny black surface. It’s covered in lights and ports. On one side, it’s got a metal rod–you can see it spark with electricity–and on the other, a long, thin needle attached to a syringe that’s filled with some sort of clear liquid.
“Let’s start with your name, hm?” Grafner takes a step closer, his hand coming down harshly on your shoulder. You shrug him off, but stay silent. “What were you doing on Bespin?” Again you say nothing. The droid floats closer. “Last chance.” The commodore grabs your face, forcing you to look at him. “This is a big one: where is the primary rebel base?”
For a moment, you stare at him. “You’re really just expecting me to tell you all that?” Your moment of bravery is mumbled, because he’s still holding your face.
But quickly, he lets go. The sound of the slap is almost as sharp as the sting it leaves behind on your cheek. “Remember that I tried to be lenient.” His voice is dark, and he gestures to the droid.
You can hear your heart pound in your ears as it floats closer. The needled arm extends out, and you try to squirm away. The droid beeps in protest and extends a metal clamp from one of the ports on its underside. It latches onto you, holding you in place.
Your mind shifts, your thoughts are sucked to the past, to happier times. You recognize in the moment that it’s your brain trying to protect you. It’s jarring, but not unwelcome, as even still, you can feel the searing pain in your arm, the fire in your veins.
But then your focus, your memories, solidify. You see Yoongi as a small boy, still shy and quiet, following you around because you’re his only friend. You grow up together, first defending him from bullies at school, then as preteens navigating responsibilities at home, then as teenagers figuring out where you were going to land in life. Laying on the roof, annoying his brother, him sneaking into your house when you should be studying. The memories and adrenaline keep you focused, distract you so you don’t dwell on the present. It almost works.
Almost.
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so uh.... how we feelin? do we hate grafner yet? literally two of my betas read this part and were like 'how dare you'. I'm so interested in your reactions.
#yoongi x reader#yoongi#suga x reader#suga#min yoongi#min yoongi x reader#bts#bts au#star wars au#bts star wars au#min yoongi fluff#min yoongi angst#suga fluff#suga angst#min yoongi fic#suga fic#bts fic#bts x reader
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20 Questions for Fic Writers
Thank you @grey-gazania and @dreamingthroughthenoise for tagging me! Sorry for the very late reply!
1. How many works do you have on Ao3?
Currently, I have 63 works, though a few of them are on-going multichapter ones. If I narrowed it down to only complete fics, it would be 58.
2. What’s your total Ao3 word count?
501,530 words!
3. What fandoms do you write for?
Currently the Silmarillion has me in a chokehold and I am having SO MUCH FUN putting tragic elves into all sorts of situations. There’s a lot of free space and flexibility in its canon which is fun to play around in, and so many AU possibilities. Before that I wrote for Linked Universe/Legend of Zelda, which had a large cast of characters whose found family/friendship dynamics had me hooked.
(we shall not speak of what I wrote during my Fanficion.net days, back when I was very small and very terrible at writing 😛)
4. What are your top five fics by kudos?
Looking at all my fics, my Linked Universe ones have the most: Rescue Mission, Malevolence, Bad Joke, Untitled Goose Fic, and Weatherworn Heart.
5. Do you respond to comments?
I try to! I adore comments and go back and reread them often, so I try to at least say thank you to people who’ve left one after reading my fics.
6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?
This is a tough one! I have a few Hurt/No Comfort ones (all focusing on poor Maedhros). I’ll go with Despair Like Poison, in which I find a way to make the beginning of the Silmarillion EVEN WORSE. Its based on a Tumblr post I made (which I now can't find????), and I might continue it, once I figure out exactly how dark/angsty I want it to get!
7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?
Probably Rest for the Weary and the Damned, the final fic in the main storyline for my Maglor is an Eldritch Horror series. After many problems, everyone gets to be together and live happily ever after, including everyone’s favorite eldritch monster.
8. Do you get hate on fics?
No, but I don’t tend to write a lot of romance/ship-focused fics, so that could be why.
9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?
No, not my thing to write.
10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?
Crossovers aren’t really my thing to write either.
12. Have you ever had a fic translated?
I have! It's always such an honor when someone asks if they can translate my fic.
13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?
No, though I do get a lot of inspiration from comments and side-discussions. Untitled Goose Fic happened because of a Discord discussion, and Trial of Crablor Feanorion was written because of a commentor’s remark about animal trials.
14. What’s your all time favorite ship?
Silvergifting can be so much fun and so messed up and I love writing it.
15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?
My poor Legend of Zelda 1920s AU fic is crying at me from the depths of my WIP pile. I am so sorry. One day, maybe, I will return to it, but I have so many other things that I want to write…
16. What are your writing strengths?
Dialogue, story structure, and weird stuff. Eldritch monsters, sentient houses that speak to you in nightmares, crabs who were once elves, dreamy-not-entirely-sane narration; those I feel like I can do well.
17. What are your writing weaknesses?
Description! Specifically, description used to set up a place, to make the world around the characters feel more textured and real. I am trying to get better at it.
18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?
I have enough typos writing in English, I do not have the confidence to try and write in anything else. The Tolkien fandom has a lot of languages and I’m always in awe of the people who can include them so well into their work.
19. First fandom you wrote for?
Megaman.EXE, way way back in the early days of Fanfiction.net, all of which has now been thankfully eaten by the internet.
20. Favorite fic you’ve written?
I say it every time someone asks, but it has to be The Haunting of Imladris. That fic was a gift: it gave me a world to flesh out for my eldritch!Maglor series, it gave me confidence to write horror (which I’d never done before) and it gave me Lindir. I will always adore and be grateful to it.
Tagging: @camille-lachenille @thelordofgifs @searchingforserendipity25 @sallysavestheday @lordgrimwing @eilinelsghost @chthonion @gardensofthemoon and anyone else who wants to join in!
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cast: jay ✗ fem.reader (ft. enhypen’s 02 line, billlie's sheon (kim suyeon), and other idols)
synopsis: crossroads have always been a part of your life. every zebra crossing you pass, every train interchange you go through, every hallway you walk in on your way to class, every eye you encounter with or without greeting. no one seems to dare to cross your tangled crossroads unless you cross it to meet them on the other side. that is until jay—a candidate for the student council president—has crossed one path with one single chocolate
genre: coming of age, bildungsroman, melodrama, slow burn, slice of life, realistic fiction, romance, high school au, fluff, angst
word count: 39366 (39.3k)
warning(s): self-inflicted harm, blood, explicit description of drowning, mention of bullying, mention of death by suicide
message from the moon: this story is fiction and will also have dialogues in different languages, translation of the dialogue will be put at the bottom of the fic and have numbers at the top to easily refer to. i'm sorry in advance if i got the translations wrong cause i'm still a beginner in the other languages and thanks for the translator app for helping *thumbs up* ! (y/f/n) = your full name. jay and jongseong will be used interchangeably. also, first time writing a (mostly) silent (but active) protagonist yey!
first thing first, welcome back to my blog after my one month+ break! this was supposed to be for jjongssaeng's birthday special one-shot but for reasons stated on my post about myself taking a break, i moved it back to june :] secondly, i wanna thank @orpheyeux cause i got to be introduced to the genre of melodrama (boost to 14 steps and welcome) through her writings or just more genres other than the usual fluff and angst umbrella. thank you for reading and i hope you enjoy it!
if this fic has a soundtrack album, it will be this playlist ! | moodboard
the yellow sky slowly sinks down to greet the blue that reflects the ocean beneath it. the white clouds' transformation is almost complete as a few peach-colored spots are visible on the feather-like edges. seagulls gawking as they fly to the sky that you're looking at while leaning against the bright red yet rusty railing. the breeze that the sea blows lightly kisses your cheeks, making your hair flow along with the ends of the white top of today's uniform. the corner of your lips is signaling to your brain that it is tugging up, to greet the new day with a positive light like the ball of fire that is crawling up somewhere on the edge of the horizon of today. it makes a smile on your face, just perfect enough to make you feel good, and a muffled rumbling sound came from behind as it remains before falling into its normal state.
turning around to see the digital clock on top of the station's name, seeing the 07:30 with a blinking 'on time' words right beside the set of numbers, you see the blurry train coming closer and closer as the brake screech the rails beneath the pit the train will go by. people all around you—all uniformly wearing formal clothes with different types of bags on each of their figures—stood behind the faded yellow tiles on the edge of the platform as the train cars smoothly stopped in front of all the passengers, followed by a hiss as the door opens. the announcement coming from the speakers stops as the train settles down.
the commuters step into the train, some looking down to be careful of the gap. commuters of all ages and genders, from the most preppy to the most extravagant. all you can observe from your corner of the train car, but you choose not to. leaning against the small width wall between the seats and the sliding doors, you faced the door as it is closing. picking up the phone from inside your skirt pocket, wired earphones already plugged as you trail the wires up to the rounded buds already in both ears since you left home, you greet the music app interface and play the korean indie music playlist that you've curated, peeking from the corner of your eyes at the ocean, slowly getting left behind as the train runs away beside it. the place where you will stay for the next five minutes.
it took 1 hour and 22 minutes, give or take, and three different railway lines every weekday for you to commute to school from home. waking up at 06:30 to prepare yourself and help prepare with mom. by 07:15, you have to go to the station to get the 07:30 train that comes every 15 minutes. tirelessly exchanging from junction to junction to junction of hallways of people every time you walk to ride the various trains, making you able to sense the changing tracks one right after the other, like a sixth sense, by hearing how the metals clank beneath your feet as the train went by a large junction full of complicated tracks near seoul station. and always being able to know when to walk on the inside or the outside part of the sidewalk when you have to turn or cross a crossing.
for the longest time, you thought your legs might give in after a couple of times commuting for kilometers every school day. nonetheless, your legs have sustained, knowing that it has adapted to your overall main variety of mobility: walking. gaining the ability to sustain because of the small town where you are from, the ability coming from playing with friends on the asphalt road of the neighborhood, the sandy surfaces of the beach as it overlooks the blue space full of water, or the soft prickly tingles of the grass on the green rolling hills.
looking up at the morning sky, you see a few rays of the sun protruding out as it is covered by the high rises and tall towers, a much different view from home where the buildings are two stories high and the utility poles are the tallest structures existing there. you grip onto the straps of the backpack on your shoulder, seeing the enormous set of buildings behind bushes, trees, and brick walls with silver fences in between. crossing the last black and white stripes of the morning, you view cars driving before and after you crossed, cruising to the entrance of the complex. a few of their backseat windows are thinly tinted, making the people inside visible—all seem to be around your age. stalling to breathe, your pace slows down from the stable walk that you kept out on the road and transits between rail lines, readying yourself to face the same things you faced every day since the start of the second year.
arriving at the small building beside the front gate, a security guard guards the entrance as they greet the drivers of the cars that enter. turning around when they can hear footsteps getting closer, you're able to listen to a muffled "good morning" behind the wall of melodies from the earphone buds, giving them a small bow as you enter the complex where the buildings are now clearer to be seen. the car that the security guard checks whilst you enter stops in a cul de sac with a fountain in the center of it, letting out a girl who wears the same uniform as yours as she walks to the main building of the school meters in front of you. glancing at the phone you pull out as the screen automatically lits up, you see the time said that it is exactly 15 minutes before the first bell of the day rings.
seeing other students arriving at school in cars should have made jealousy bubble inside you, yet it is nowhere to be found. even though not used often, your family also has their own car that is only used for trips or special occasions. you always walk past the late 2000s sedan that dad maintains like a child of his own every time you step out into the open garage of your two-story home, then followed by hearing mom's blessings and reassurance as she prepares for the baked goods and coffee beans for the day. you go to school using public transportation instead, familiarizing yourself with the trains and their routes that you're using for the three years of high school or even more.
both of your parents were citizens of seoul, having lived the city life and its fast-paced lifestyle in their youthful ages. you remember a few weeks before the first day of high school at the dining table during dinner time, they mention that they met when they were classmates in their own high school. mom said that dad is the most chaotic person she has ever encountered—always seems to be caught and punished by the teacher for even trivial things—while dad said that mom was always perceived as the 'flower' of the school, “every guy in our school wants to be her partner” he said—which makes mom blush, resulting with her grabbing another glass of water to cool herself down.
by the time you arrive in their lives, they were fed up with the city's fast pace and decide to move to a town beside the sea near the suburbs—something they mentioned back in that same dinner from a conversation they have back when they were dating in high school—to start anew from a much lower level than they were back in the city. dad currently works at the port where he helps in managing the fishermen's ships after a time of fishing, mom owns her own cafe, operating underneath their home—of course, yours too—that sits on the second story. both are able to use their diplomas in a much more unconventional way than their peers working in a corporate setting back in the city.
you are a byproduct of your parents' 'laid-back but strict in some parts' style of teaching, a balance that they take years to master while also studying for their own diplomas when they realize they want to start a family together. they picked and sorted both their parents' teachings to them and their siblings to find the right ones to teach you. they taught you to be as tough as a tiger and also as gentle as a butterfly, sometimes letting you do rebellious things such as playing outside in the rain that causes you to have a fever the next day as a way to teach the cause and effect of decisions. you were blessed with having parents that are very attentive and can openly share each other's problems and opinions, seemingly making the three of you like long-time friends instead of a child and her parents that has a 25-year difference.
they also try to teach you about analog technologies and activities like how to read maps, buying you hardcover novels in every genre suit for your growing age, or using a phonograph while listening to dad's 80s and 90s LP vinyl collection. all of that so you don't have to rely on a smartphone most of the time, which you only received your first phone back in the second year of middle school. by that time, you don't even think about using social media other than a messenger app, seeing as both of your parents using their smartphones for phoning people or as an encyclopedia to search from. the only applications you have are a messenger app, a map, a camera, a browser to connect to the internet, and a music streaming app for your daily dose of music.
you used to never desire to go to school in seoul, being satisfied with going to the high school where your older neighbors learn. that is until one day, it all changes when you stared at a scholarship announcement for a high school on your middle school's main hallway's bulletin board, gaining an epiphany and announcing to your parents that you want to join, submit the application with the help of mom. however, at that time, you thought you were applying for a scholarship at the high school in the nearest suburban city near your town. that is until you read the announcement brochure again when you figure out the school you apply to. a school in seoul, not just a regular school, but the most prestigious in the country that only people with wealth and smarts can enter, and you checked your e-mail a few weeks before your middle school graduation to see that you achieved the scholarship.
at first, your parents were thinking about bringing you to school in their car—yes, dad's late 2000s sedan. that is until they calculated that it is going to be a two-hour or more drive because you have to travel on one of the main toll roads of the country to get there and it's usually full of vehicles, especially relating to logistics. that's when you decide to go to school by train when you saw a few students commuting in the seoul metro as you went back home after doing administrative paperwork in your future high school at the time. they let you cause they know you're ready, and they know you’re able to take care of yourself.
when you enter the classroom, you see all the other students of your class either on their phones updating their social media, some doing dance challenges, or some listening to music with their wireless earphones. you walk around them to sit on your seat at the back corner of the class right beside a window overlooking the large football field. the seat beside you empty, having no seatmate as your class has odd-numbered students with desks made for two, and how the other students perceive you as a 'weirdo' and not 'one of them' that seemingly disgusts them away to sit beside you.
the hauntingly beautiful harmony from the black skirts track covers the sounds of the newly trending western pop music that you don't follow, picking up your a5-sized drawing book to continue your mandala art. the strokes of the black ink in different styles, curving in a shape of a quarter of a circle, blinding you and sticks onto your retina that sometimes you can see the withered remnants of them every time you view the blue sky, like floating balloons that are only visible to you.
as the last note of the nearly two-hour playlist's last song stops, you were startled by the ringing bell and your homeroom teacher stepping into the class with a female student behind her. her clothes empty of wrinkles as her wide eyes sparkle from the lights on the ceiling, wearing an innocent face as she looks over the class. however, her eyes widen when she looks at one of the seats a column after the one beside you. glancing at them secretly, you see the group of people that made fun of you back in your first year—all of them sit in front and behind each other—looking at her with a mischievous glint in their eyes, resembling the ones that they gave to you even until now.
"good morning class! today we have a new student that will be joining us. you may introduce yourself." the teacher gestured to the girl with her open palm to go forward. the girl's eyes still frantically glancing back at the group before to the whole class, hands adequately rested in front of her as she lightly clears her throat.
"my name is kim suyeon, nice to meet you." she lets out a small smile on her face, which you unconsciously follow with a slight tug on your lips.
"you can sit beside (y/n) at the back." your hand instantly raises up as you heard your name being called so the girl, suyeon, can see the empty seat beside you. witnessing her light steps on her way to your desk, your eyes see her trying to settle down on the empty seat but instead, they focused on the people across from you, seeing their eyes looking between you and suyeon, still with the same glint and a smirk on their faces that sends chills forming on your skin.
as suyeon was going to sit on her chair, you grab her hand, making her pause her movement as you lightly push the stuff on the table in front of you to her side. standing up from the seat you sat, you shrug your open palm to your unoccupied chair as you see her shake her head.
"no, that's your seat," she replied. yet instead of accepting the denial, you pick your backpack up and switch them with suyeon's bag. your hands on either of her shoulders, guiding her to your previous chair as you then sit down in your new chair, giving a small smile only she can see as she is still stunned by your actions. from the corner of your eyes, glimpsing at the other side, you can see the same people before with a light sheen of wrinkles on their t-zone and frown on their mouth. subtly rolling your eyes, you return back to tidy up the clutter that is your belongings as you heard suyeon, who is now settled down on her new seat, mumble a "thank you."
your homeroom teacher, who is also teaching this period's subject, starts to present a slideshow about today's topic. the projector hanging from the ceiling beams the screen from the desktop at the teacher's table, presenting a slideshow about world history and early civilizations, currently landing on a few slides about famous mythologies of the world.
as a reader, one of your favorite books to read are classic books such as myths, folktales, and classic novels. your first time exposed to classical books is the odyssey, its pages landing you in ancient greece as you envisioned the trojan war with the help of the words and your imagination. being transported to the middle east with one thousand and one nights' stories to then the regency era as you read about the dynamic elizabeth bennett in the story of pride and prejudice.
you wanted to learn more about classics in the future and how it impacts the modern world after scouring through videos and photos of ancient sculpture depicting myths or cinema inspired by the classics you love. reading has always been your first love as you were always being transported from time to time in every page or book that you start to read, even making dad send a request to the carpenter of the town to make a custom bookshelf as your book collection is piling up in one corner of your room.
the black and white pictures of the greek deities' statutes and the ruined pantheon architecture filled the screen as knocks distract the class. all eyes are on the door as it opens when a dark-haired boy peeks in to talk to the teacher from afar and you see the look of recognition on her face. the door widens again as you can see another person holding what seems to be a small board. it completely opens as two boys enter the class, immediately able to hear the other students whispering around you about their presence, except for suyeon who looks confused from the corner of your vision. your gaze returns to the front of the class to discover that they are another entourage of the council's presidential election, now candidate number 1 finally visits your class after their opponents enters yesterday. candidate number 1 that everyone knows is park jongseong.
park jongseong, or as is called by everyone "jay", is someone who you hypothesize is much different than what you are. someone who was given everything on a silver platter, someone whose wants will always come true no matter how much he contributes to getting it. an urban boy living an urban life of glamour. you know, from gossip that you overheard like birds’ chirping, that his parents have influence both inside and outside of the school's environment, hearing that they're one of the main donators for the school. because of that, every school staff that you know respects him, maybe having an alternative plan so they can get their salaries partially because of their treatment to him or his parents. everyone seems to be smitten by him, maybe because of his signature smirk that never gets wider from what the people know to how much of a gentleman he seems to be.
you remember hearing people swoon when he decided to be a part of the student council and introduces as a candidate to be the president alongside candidate 2, park jisung, and candidate 3, bang yedam. all three of the boys have their own influences.
park jisung, coming from a family of athletes, even olympic level—also a jock himself—wishes to focus on helping with the finances of all sports clubs in school with an emphasis on making tournaments where other high schools will compete against each other.
bang yedam, coming from a family of artists both audio and visual—and a member of the theater club—focuses to help the art clubs in the school such as dance to sculpting, emphasizing making an art gallery where various students can promote their art like performing dances, releasing music, and overall to showcasing their creativity.
park jongseong, however, takes the middle route of everything to be as equal as possible, focusing more on making a school festival where they will invite celebrities like indie musicians to k-pop idols.
that's what you got from what he said himself underneath that black and white image of the greek deity sculpture from the projector, his eyes moving around the room as he has an eerily relaxed posture while presenting.
that's when you saw the other person, who you were finally able to identify as part of his campaign team after another thought, turn to him to give him a transparent box that you didn't notice he brought. you knew what was coming: an act of persuasion using food. you saw it happened with the other two, jisung giving away choco pies while yedam gives out boxes of pepero. and you weren't given any of the two by them.
you just sit there as jongseong walks to the tables and gives out the chocolate that you recognized are ferrero rochers. in your opinion, very much like the boy. having a luxurious appearance but giving a sense of familiarity and gentleness with the nutella that surrounds the wafer and hazelnut in the middle.
knowing in your mind that you won't get any, you continue drawing your mandala art as it takes time to distribute them. despite it, your thoughts drift towards suyeon that sat beside you, discreetly looking at the boy who is running for president giving the chocolate from the front desks and slowly walking to the back. you hope that even though she is sitting beside you, doesn't mean that she will not receive one. you don't want her to be treated like what you've experienced in the past year since you enroll here, being left alone, being invisible.
jongseong is now on the last row before yours where he stood by the glaring people on the other side of the class, some leaning their back against the wall in which the hallway is on the other side. you, rather than be distracted by seeing him, focus on your drawing book, letting the ink flows down the black ballpoint to the paper. your attentiveness can’t help to hear the footsteps coming closer and closer, wishing you were wearing your earphones instead so it helps to ease the pain of going to be ignored the third time. the first two didn't even walk near you after giving to the ones adjacent to you. so, you brace yourself, peeking slightly to see that he is now facing your desk.
you draw as slow as possible, wanting to focus all your might on it rather than on the boy who now stood in front of your desk. eyes tweaking up slightly then immediately down multiple times as you see him putting one foiled ball on top of suyeon's notebook beside your elbow, a small "thank you" can be heard as a sign of confirmation. now, he can leave as he finishes distributing all of the pieces, and you can bury down the aching that you’re going to feel as the aftermath.
that is until you see a rocher on the top corner of the page of your drawing book.
lifted your head up as fast as possible from the book on the desk, you see jongseong's hand retracting, making you stare between him and the wrapped chocolate sitting on the paper. rather than turning away immediately, he stayed for a few seconds. you gently put your palm against your chest with a slight furrow on your eyebrows.
'is this really for me?' is what you hope he receives from the gesture, which he replies with a nod to then give a small smile.
as he turns away with the empty box, your eyes follow him, sticking to the back of his neck, hands inching to gently pick up the chocolate to put it on your lap. feeling the gold foil texture with a small brown cup where it is used as a seat for the chocolate in the box. taking a deep breath, you glance at it, then up when you heard the door open, seeing the two boys taking their leave and jongseong thanking the teacher at the front for their time. you see a warm smile on his face as he took one final glance at the class, his eyes meeting yours, seeing his fingers slightly lifted up towards his mouth before closing the door. you hear suyeon munching and humming joyfully to the luxury-looking chocolate she is given, trying to turn away discreetly before she saw you and lightly scramble in her chair while apologizing, a smile formed on your face.
the chocolate still feels heavy on your lap. you took a glimpse of your classmates to see their gold foil on top of their table bare open yet as you wanted to have a taste, the doubt in your mind stops you. you were scared that if you've eaten this chocolate everything will change forever, and you don't want it to change for the bad. you rather feel safe in the bubble that you created where the pain is like a sword that is trying to penetrate the bubble until it pops. you glance at suyeon as she shyly licks her fingertips covered by the chocolate, wanting to nudge her to tell her to eat your chocolate instead.
however, you were reminded of what jongseong did. that was the first time you feel validated in a good way, that your existence is felt as a student rather than a doll where people can mock you for its entirety of going to school with a few substances on your face other than the skincare products you regularly use, having status as a scholarship receiver instead of enrolling in with on-person money—even though people outside of the school perceive that as an achievement—and your items such as your smartphone model that was released a few years older than the new one they have and can easily replace by each release.
you unwrapped the chocolate carefully as possible, not wanting the gold foil to get ripped up. seeing the chocolate ball with its sharp angles on the surface still intact as it hasn't been met by a human touch that spreads warm that can and will melt the outer layer. the teacher—who got her own rocher evidently by the leftover of the foil where its glint can be seen from afar—continues the presentation as the slide shows ancient china and its early civilization by the yellow and yangtze rivers. the teacher's lecture meets with thoughts inside your head as you still stare at your lap on the chocolate ball.
"you're hesitating to eat it." hearing the words coming from beside you, seeing suyeon glancing at you as you did to her minutes before. putting your lips into a straight line, you slightly lift the foil with the chocolate in middle to her, testing one of your hypotheses if she will accept your chocolate. it got horribly debunked when you got a reply with a head shake.
"it's yours," she speaks softly, your eyebrows raised as your lips fall back to their natural state. you look down at the chocolate one again, all the demons yelling from all sides inside the small space in your head about the repercussions you can get by eating it. but one sticks out in your mind.
"i don't deserve it."
you can see from the corner of your eyes the small shock on suyeon's face when she hears your voice. you also surprised yourself since you've been abstaining to speak at the start of the second year. still, the words are ringing in your head heavily that you need to let them out. you don't deserve the chocolate cause you haven't done anything to jongseong, you haven't done anything to the school like what he or the other two candidates have done, or the people in your class who have achievements such as a national level football athlete or a city-level student competition achiever in the subject of economics. you don't deserve it as you're the only one to walk to school instead of being brought with your own car or driving your own transportation such as a few students bringing a vespa to school.
"you do, (y/n)." suyeon speaks as she lightly touches your shoulders before putting her palm fully on them after noticing that you didn't flinch away from her soft and gentle touch, different than the rough touches you've experienced in your first year from hands as soft as hers.
"you do."
you lift the chocolate near your mouth, the outer layer melted as you can feel the stickiness on your fingertips. remembering jongseong that stood in front of you as he nods and smiles, finally letting go of your breath.
you guide the chocolate to your mouth and take a bite.
-
it is the day of the election and you walked out of the voting booth after being guided by a student council senior on how to vote. you glance behind to see suyeon walking out of the booth soon after, a small smile on her face which you also return as you waited for her. both of you walk side by side back to the hallway, seeing the next class standing in a queue, waiting for their turn to vote.
you didn't expect suyeon to stick by your side since the day she moved a week ago. knowing that she is more familiar with the middle and upper classes at the school, you expected her to have friends in other classes that she can go meet or sit with during recess, leaving you alone to treat yourself—by finishing the mandala art or doodle a rough sketch of a greek god statue courtesy of the internet and 'save image' button—as you eat the lunch that mom gave at the obscure corner of the cafeteria where you know nobody won't bother you because: they are too lazy to walk to a corner far from the main civilization of the cafeteria, or they don't notice you at all.
last week, as you were seated, reading hiromi kawakami's the nakano thrift shop alone, you see a tray being set down in front of your lunchbox and a figure sitting behind it, realizing from her features is your new seatmate. at first, your eyebrows were raised in confusion, your brain wired some reasons to make them do what they do. then she started talking, no, introducing herself more.
"i moved here from a school on the other side of the neighborhood."
"not many of my friends go here though. i mean i've seen some of them from middle school."
"ooh, i've wanted to read japanese fiction before."
what's nice, when you thought about it, is that she didn't push you to talk more given your small replies. she allows you to gather your mind up as she talks without making a ruckus, unlike the other tables. your mind slowly making up about the girl as someone who genuinely wants to be friends with you, considering her the first friend you made in high school.
she treats you like anyone else. that is because she doesn't know your real situation. you almost got caught a few days ago as the two of you are waiting in front of the lobby when she innocently asked,
"where's your car?"
and you can't say anything because you don't want her to leave you alone, retreating yourself back to what you felt in the first year.
she doesn't know that you stayed with her at the entrance because you walk to the nearest station to go back home, unlike her. yet, she doesn't comment much on how you wear wired earphones instead of wireless ones like the pair that she used, how you brought your own lunch where she can buy one at school. you wanted that to last until you are sure she is ready to know the truth, your truth.
as you are both seated in class, waiting for the announcement, the students around the room talk openly about who they choose for the election, you see suyeon leaning to your side from the corner of your eye, whispering, "i know we aren't supposed to share who we vote. but i vote jay, how about you?"
when the candidates were first introduced, you were contemplating if you should abstain from voting or not, leaving the ballot empty without any sign of you interacting with it other than touching it with your hands. you didn't want to vote not because all of the programs they brought out for their campaign is bad. you didn't want to vote because you want to be neutral, knowing that each policy or aspiration that they brought doesn't affect you significantly.
that is until last week when jongseong gave you the rocher.
as you stand at the voting booth, opening up the folded paper with the names of the three boys. your fingers are fidgeting, wanting to fold them again following the decision that has been decided.
however, your eyes glance at jongseong's name. and like a scene from a character flashback in a movie, you see yourself back at that time when he gave you a nod, the chocolate at the corner of the page you open. fast forward to when he almost left and find your eyes, using a small gesture of his hand to his mouth before closing the door.
the moment when you felt like your existence is appreciated, and you wanted to appreciate him back. so, using the marker they gave you in the booth, you put a check in the box beside jongseong's name and put the filled-in folded paper into the ballot box.
"same," you mumble back to her. immediately after speaking, a chime is heard from the speaker inside the class, making you sit back and straighten your posture on the chair as the static fills the air in the classroom. hearing the voice of the senior in charge of the voting that you remember is the senior that guides you at the booths, speaking greetings into the intercom, and announcing the results of the total amount of the votes.
"the elected president is…"
from your view, this is the first time anyone has ever looked tense, eyeing the speaker like it can come and attack them at any second if they look away. suyeon also looks intensely at the speaker, her hands interlock with each other on her table as you see from a quick glimpse.
you hope jongseong wins. a compassionate leader that can take aspirations for everyone, evident by the action he did last week to you. you want to help to fight the prejudice that you are different from what they are. a scholarship receiver hailing from a suburban of seoul, the only time someone received said scholarship as they haven't opened the program again. someone that is 'lower' in status. but, you aren't, and you believe jongseong wants to fight them too.
"bang yedam."
letting out your breath that you didn't know you held, cheering and clapping came from not just your class, but also the classes in the same hallway as yours, all are students in your year. you peek at suyeon who retracts her hand and has a neutral smile on her face, tilting her head as she faced you, concentrating on something else. you turn around to see the door of the class open and your peers flooding out of the class to gather in the hallway. curiosity got the best of you when the tables of the people that ridiculed you were now empty, you stand up and walk to the door of your class, suyeon following behind as you felt a human presence behind you, knowing that you both are the last ones in class.
students in your year created a human barrier and left an empty path in the middle, from the view that reaches your eyes. cheers coming from the left as you see bang yedam's grin and people congratulating him, patting him on his shoulder, hugging him as a way to say how proud they are.
despite the hollering coming one by one in the hallway, you see jongseong standing at the line across from you, right in front of the half wall barrier of the hallway, in between sim jaeyun also known as “jake”, the australian-raised genius and mathlete of your year, and park sunghoon, the national-level figure skater, who has their arms wrapped behind jongseong's back, still proud of him for being one of the vice presidents of the student council. he wears the famous smirk he is known for when yedam walks and turns towards him, giving a hug and a congratulation from the faint sound that you can hear little by little.
as yedam walked past the door of your class, you gave a small smile when both of your eyes slightly meet as suyeon's hands rested on either side of your shoulder, leaning forward so she can still see the commotion of yedam being bombarded by your classmates with their own way of congratulating.
turning your head away from the view, you met jongseong’s eyes which were already looking your way. the smirk is still evident on his face, however, you notice something from his eyes, seeing them tremble. you give a solemn smile and nod to him before turning around and walking to your desk with suyeon playfully waddling behind you, making you stifle your giggle as she grins brightly and return back to the seats. you shake your head to get rid of the subtle feeling from the boy that you have eye contact with.
the vision of jongseong's trembling eyes haunts you as you heard suyeon's voice calling your name, seeing her car that you've recognized now after seeing it so much stopped in front of her. you see her figure retreating to the car, waving goodbye towards you as she is seated in the backseat whilst pressing the window button down and continuing waving. responding with a small wave, you see her pout before her car drives away to the hagwon where she enrolls in.
many of your peers go to hagwons, private academies where they learn additional stuff to the subjects they learn from school or understand them on a deeper level. many of your schoolmate's parents are competitive when it comes to rankings so they enroll their children there, making them study until midnight or later.
your parents are against the hagwon idea even though both enrolled in one by your grandparents, coincidentally in the same one as well. yet, they skipped them to go hang out and have a date instead, both argue to ‘let teens be teens’ and let them have their free time so they don't stress themselves to death. nonetheless, your parents still give you liberty if you want to attend a hagwon or not, which you deny because you agree with their understanding and you wanted to help mom more as she has an influx of customers around afternoon and evening.
your parents mention why they do not agree with hagwons to you because one of their classmates, who they too mention is one of the best scoring students in their hagwon, died by suicide when they didn't get enrolled in any university that they want. you observed them that every time they mention 'hagwon' at the dining table, you can hear one or both of your parents sucking their breath as the air around the three of you feel tense. they still feel traumatized until this day. the talk makes you feel more concerned and you don't want their concern to rise if they knew you enter a hagwon to study until the end of the day and then some.
so, as suyeon's car turns the corner outside of the school gate, you begin to walk your journey back home, the same 1 hour and 22 minutes with the significant difference of it is much more crowded streets and stations as the time is approaching the rush hours for commuters, especially those who lives outside of the city, are coming home.
you walk on the concrete pavement, passing a greenhouse you cross by every day. a place that the school uses for planting and botany club, or when students have to study plants for a project. you heard the chirping of birds under the blend of blue and orange in the sky, seeing a small brick shack beside the greenhouse where the gardener puts the gardening tools, manure, additional seeds, and lawnmower. you stopped your movements when you heard grunts behind it.
ears piqued up in concern as your feet brought you to the brick shack, the grunts getting louder with the additional thumpings as you carefully walk to the back of the shack, seeing a black-haired boy wearing your uniform leaning his forehead against it, hands formed into fists as he continues to punch them into the wall. seeing his knuckles and skin around it full of blood and little scraps of brick, you grimaced as you step back on the concrete path surrounding the shack, making the boy turn his head towards you, your enlarged eyes also reflected on his.
it's jongseong, breathing heavily as he turns his forehead back to the wall, closing his eyes.
the same park jongseong that got the position of one of the vice presidents. the same park jongseong whose trembling eyes haunt you the entire day today. the same park jongseong that gives a small smile after giving you a chocolate a week ago. now looking like a crack vase that can be broken into smithereens by a single touch. you silently gasp, realizing what might have gotten him this way.
park jongseong, as you can define him, is someone who can get everything and always makes his wishes into reality. requesting new desks and chairs for all the students to his parents after he got a scratch from an outward spline of wood on his desk back in the first year, requesting the lunch menu at school to be more diverse other than stew and rice, both of them you heard from gossips shared by the cleaning staffs as you walk home last year.
but, he didn't get what he wanted this time. he isn't elected as the student president and it is why, you think, broke him. realizing his trembling eyes were him probably stifling to not argue or asking why people are not voting for him. he was finally able to let it out here, behind the shack, hidden from everyone as he doesn't want his reputation to be tarnished. until you found out.
walking forward towards him slowly, not wanting to startle him, you can see the creases on his face folding hidden behind the wall and his hair. your hand slowly reaching one of his fisted hands that rested in the dent on the brick wall, hearing his breath hitched as your skin meets his, gently enveloping your hand around his wrist as you can feel him slacken the hold of his fist, signaling to you to do whatever you want with it.
you see behind you a tap with a green hose connected to it, wrapped into a thick circle. you gently pull his fist away from the wall, seeing the blood blending into the bricks' lighter red color. your soft pull on his wrist also pulls his body as you walk to the tap, bringing him down to sit on the concrete path and feet on top of the grass gently as you pick up the end of the hose and turn the tap on. the water coming down the tap and into the hose as you kneeled in front of him, pulling his wrist to float on top of a patch of grass and the water hose right beside it.
as the water falls out in a steady light stream, you carefully let the water run on top of his hands, seeing the dirt, scraps, and blood flowing down following the curvature of his fingers to the grass. you peep at him as he hisses then lean forward so that his upper body is closer to the grass, eyes flicking between your hands helping to rub his hands and you who knelt beside him. you look up to see his face empty of emotion and no dried tears on his cheeks as he moves his other hand so it will get cleaned between the water and your gentle touch. you turn the tap off and let go of the hose as you sit by his side, resting his hands on top of your knees then reach to the backpack behind you and pick out a small pouch you call your mini medkit.
you packed your own medkit as you remember how many times you got hurt back in your first year because of the same people that sit across from you in your class currently, knees scrapped every time they pushed you down, making you always go to the nursery to get it treated. well, you don't want to burden them all the time. so, you packed up your own stuff instead, patching the wound up silently at your table or while waiting for the train to arrive on the way home, hoping your parents won't notice the existence of bandages on your knees or elbows.
the pack of bandages inside the pouch is full, still hasn't been used for this year. your ignorance of their taunts last year made them lazy to not do that again because you didn't react like what they wanted. you pull out a small bottle of antiseptic and a few sheets of tissue, staining it with the liquid as you dab it onto jongseong's wound, hearing him hissing while gritting his teeth. you mumbled out a small "sorry", making his eyes stick to your face instead as you continue to clean his wounds, pulling a few strips of bandage out, a colorful bunch that you bought at a convenience store near your house as the skin-colored one is sold out.
you wrapped them around the wounded joints of his fingers, the knuckles, and a few scrap skin around them, gently smoothing it out. you see his black backpack that you know costs more than yours sits behind him as you stand and walk to pick it up, jongseong's eyes on yours every time you take action as you kneel down and sit the bag beside his body.
you pressed your lips into a thin smile as you point behind you with your thumb, stepping away from his seated figure to the pavement beside the main road to the gate.
"wait!" you paused as you turn your body for the corner in front of you, hearing grunts and scrappings on the concrete path behind you.
"i'm jay," he spoke. you turn your head towards him, seeing one of his patched hands gripping the strap of his backpack that sits on his shoulder.
"i know," you murmured, he continue looking with his lips in a straight line. you realize how rude it must have been to just say 'i know' that you mentally slap your forehead.
"i'm (y/n)," you immediately replied back, lightly biting the inside of your lips because of the second-hand embarrassment.
"i know," he replied using your words, a slight smile on his face. your eyebrows slightly furrow hearing his answer. word of mouth does spread like wildfire, the same word of mouth you get to know him might be the same word of mouth that make him know you. he must have been thinking why would you help him.
"i've got to catch the train," you said back, him knowing you makes you openly communicate on how you get home. stepping away from the shack, leaving him behind, you walk to the gate where the security guard bids you farewell and you gave them a nod with a small smile.
as you arrived at the train station on your way to seoul station, you can see the rush hour commuters filling up the station. seeing from your phone that you are 10 minutes late from when you've intended to arrive, you untangled the wired earphones and turned the music on after you plugged them in your ears, pulling out your newest book you start to out from your bag as you see the front lights on the train coming from the dark underground tunnel. stepping into a pretty empty car, you instantly lean against the usual part of yours beside the door, one arm wrapping around and behind the silver handle beside the door as other passengers come in to fill up the middle area. you opened your book with both hands available as you lean back against the wall, starting your journey back home later than usual.
an hour and 22 minutes later, arriving at the same station you ride for the day as a few people other than you also stepping out, the sun has sunk into the horizon at exactly 18:00 on the digital clock of the station. you take your steps down the short flight of stairs and tap out using the transport card, seeing the lights at the buildings around the stations starting to light up one by one as you walk the thin road down the street and a few of the shopkeepers waving at you while walking past their shop. a small town where everyone knew everyone, other than tourists that visit of course.
turning the last corner, you see the warm light of mom's cafe under one other story. seeing her figure getting clearer, pouring stuff into cups behind the counter as you see kids younger than you sitting whilst playing card games on one table at the corner. the soft bell chimes as the door got pushed, and all the heads turn towards you. you give a smile as you see the kids wave and call your name, slowly walk to see the cards of halli galli laying on the table, before walking behind the counter, pulling your backpack off, seeing as it is your 'shift' starting for the next hour from the clock hanging on the wall near the cash register.
you've been trying to help mom for at least an hour after school since your second year of middle school, learning how her business works and how to greet customers, which are mostly the people in your town and your friends that went to the same school as yours. you never miss your time to help mom even though she worries that you might take a shower too late. yet, you insist, silently sitting your backpack by the entrance of the counter after arriving and taking your place at the cash register where mom can focus on making orders and cleaning up for closing.
that's when you heard the bell chime and two people with large backpacks stepping in. foreign tourists.
one of your town’s incomes comes from tourism as the people inhabiting there are smart enough to take care of their environment while also making interesting business. mom's cafe is one of the tourist attractions—reviews that you read said that her cafe has the right balance of minimalism, tropical, and traditionalism—serving staple snacks like dalgona to kimbap to serving freshly roasted coffee that is always prepared every morning.
you can hear the tourist muttering with each other. their backpacks are so tall it shows from their back as they walk towards the cashier where they skim-read the menu, talking with each other in a language that you can understand. german.
"Guten Abend¹," you spoke, making the two tourists' eyes widen as they smile warmly at you and a look of gladness seem to show their eyes for a split second. because from examining the words that you heard them say, they were confused about who should talk as it is not the urban setting they used to travel where people can easily speak in the lingua franca. introvert travelers, something you might aspire to be in the future as well.
"Was möchten Sie bestellen?²" you continue as they both stood in front of the counter, hands holding either side on the thick paper menu while you see their pupils from behind the counter tracing the fonts of the product the cafe is selling.
"Was empfehlen Sie?³" one of them asked, making you think about all the drinks on the menu that mom curated years ago when you got reminded of a few drinks you like that mom started putting on the menu in your first year of high school.
"Ich persönlich empfehle unsere Eisschokolade und Latte⁴," you said while pointing to the two variants of drinks, darting at them as they are staring from the menu and then at you. you look at mom who just taking a peep at you at the cashier, eyes trailing to the kids that looked at you bewildered, them knowing you that don't really like to speak but then speaking in a language so alien to them.
"Ich habe geholfen, den Geschmack selbst zu testen, und seitdem sind sie meine Lieblingsgetränke⁵." you leaned forward and jokingly whispered to the two tourists as they see you playfully moving your eyebrow, giggling between each other before they said they will get them with some baked goods.
as a daughter of a language and literature major, mom has always wanted her child to be multilingual like her or maybe more. as both of your parents now realized how important that is to be able to speak multiple languages as a child, they started to teach you other languages around the same time you learn your mother tongue, getting you to familiarize the many languages in the world through movies, songs, and books.
as one of your job is usually helping mom with her cafe since she is working mostly a one-woman-show for most of the time until holidays, you got to train the languages that you learned to the international visitors that arrived, asking what they want to order, listening in closely to how their accent works while improving yours to sound better. one of your goals in life is to learn an ancient language so you can able to read texts originally written in them such as latin or sanskrit.
"Auf Wiedersehen!⁶" you greet the tourist goodbye as you open the glass door for them, ruffling the hair of the kids that walked behind them who are starting to yawn while also doing high fives or fist bumps to them, closing the glass door as the kids walk into the street, immediately running on the asphalt roads to their houses.
you can hear the clicks behind you and the reflected lights on the glass puff out, the dark street lit by streetlights is now much clearer from behind the glass. you turn the sign at the door from 'open' to 'close' as you can hear mom calling your name. seeing her giving an endearing smile to you as you walk to pick up your bag and then to the back door towards the stairs to your home upstairs. resting for the night to repeat your routine once again by the morning, but you're starting to wonder about jongseong's hands you helped heal.
'have they gotten better?' you wonder as you settle inside your room, lighting up the candle at your bedside table.
-
a week has passed since the inauguration of the new student council members, and the memory of claps and cheers as each name is called to the stage while being introduced on which position they received starts to be brought back into your mind. you remembered seeing jongseong climb up on the stage as he walks to stand right beside jisung—who already has his own student council blazer, hearing claps and a few chants from his two friends that sat rows in front where you sat.
you and suyeon sat in the corner of the auditorium. some of your vision was obstructed by a pillar, yet, you can still view the council on stage as they took their bow, your eyes stuck to jongseong for a split second before you whispered to suyeon that you wanted to leave early, an uncomfortable feeling flooded your mind as you rather do something more productive like homework than stay. as you looked back towards the stage one last time to close the auditorium's door, you saw jongseong's eyes looking towards the door, towards a small silhouette he recognized as you who was stepping back and closing the door.
the slam of the door startles you from your gaze at the pattern of the bus right beside yours. your trance is covered by the music playing from your wired earphones as you see a teacher entering your bus, signaling to the driver that everyone is in. you look at the empty seat beside you where you put your backpack, the seat that was supposed to be for suyeon who is not able to go cause she has flu.
today was your school trip and you don't know where you are going. knowing the money your school has, they will probably bring you somewhere entertaining but also educating, renting premium buses with leather seats, buying fast-food chain foods and beverages that you all will probably get at lunch. you can hear the muffled talks of the people behind you even though the volume of the music you're hearing is nearly 50%, voices that crescendo as not only is your class in it, but also the other class right beside yours, jongseong's class.
sneakily turning your head, you glance at jongseong who is sitting in his two-seater with his bag and a neck pillow on the seat beside him, his figure turned around to reach his hand towards jaeyun and sunghoon sitting right behind him as they bicker. you remember jongseong's widened eyes when he steps inside the bus to see you sitting right at the front two-seater by the stairs leading down to the door, he paused on one stair as you turn your gaze away to your playlist, noticing in secret his friends nudge his lower back to quickly make him move forward inside, seating only two rows behind you on the other column.
resting your head against the cold window's glass, you can see the view outside, unlike your peers who immediately close their window with the tied curtain where they sat as if their skin will burn like a vampire would when they are exposed to sunlight. you can see the concrete barrier and the lack of motorcycles on the road, seeing the trees staying in place, unable to keep up to stay in your vision. feeling your eyelids slowly drooping from the soothing bus driving on the asphalt, your eyes see a blurry sign as it tells you where you are headed, now widening as you see the name of your suburban city nearest to your hometown. now way are we going there, right?
well, after viewing familiar buildings a few minutes later, you sit up straight on the leather seat as the bus enters the road that you usually see from time to time, seeing the back of other buses right in front of yours from the large front window. you see the entrance of the station you usually transit at when you go to seoul. the bus then follows the road as the sign of tall buildings slowly dissipates, arriving at a large parking lot for buses as you can see the building you haven't gone to in a long time. the aquarium.
as the bus hiss from the brake and stumble as it stops, you look at the blue-themed building with a few coral-reef-inspired sculpting on the roof of it. the teacher in front says that you only need to bring your important belongings to make it easier for mobility, so you slip your phone, earphones, wallet, and a pen inside your uniform blazer's large pocket as you stay put, waiting for the tangled queue to fix itself before stepping out last.
your feet lightly bounce from landing on the asphalt to queue up with your class as jongseong's class does the same. jongseong standing only a few people away from you as you can see other classes from the six classes of your year walking in line to the building, seeing a glimpse of the underground train station entrance where you used to visit here years back.
hands behind your back as politely as possible, you bow to the aquarium staff greeting you in as your homeroom teacher said that our job for today's study tour is to observe and make an essay about what we observed at home. the students let out a sigh of relief as you line up to enter the dark entrance illuminated by the lights coming from fishes and jellyfishes-shaped lanterns right beside the contrasting bright colors of the gift shop. as you step in, you see small aquariums on each side of the wall, and a few of your classmates leaning in closer to the aquariums as they see the sea creatures swimming inside.
you walk more inwards into the establishment, stepping on top of a glass floor where you can see the water and fishes swimming below you. yet, your vision is attracted to a rectangle pillar aquarium that extends from the ceiling to the ground full of orange-colored fish, the lights coming from below highlight the orange hue of the fishes in a right way and contrast it with the water's blue. you step towards it and lean forward to focus on one of the fishes, seeing it swimming across your vision as another small school swims to the other side.
what you didn't know was that someone was also observing the fishes across from yours, your eyes landed on theirs who are watching the school of orange-colored fishes.
jongseong's eyes trail down following the fishes as you can see his silhouette on the other side of the pillar-shaped aquarium, the rich blue hue from the light and the water's color making him have a vibrant yet monochromatic blue palette. his eyes landed on yours as you stood there, unable to move away. you straighten your spine as he follows, eyes looking at the fishes that doing rounds around the aquarium, slightly seeing jongseong's eyes still looking at you. you felt shudders coming up your shoulder as you look away from him to see a large screen-liked window that still looks large as ever from the memory of your childhood right behind jongseong's figure.
you walk around the pillar to the light blue-colored, large aquarium, seeing the large fishes like rays spreading their bodies as they swim, much more schools of fishes of different kinds swim all over the place as the decorations inside make it seem like you are seeing the ocean floor right as it is. footsteps are heard behind your figure and rested on your right side. peeking from the corner of your eyes, jongseong's figure stands there, looking up at the large aquarium glass. you turn back towards it as you admire the creatures swimming in harmony and peace.
"how can they look so graceful?" you muttered unconsciously. eyes moving all over the place as you followed new fishes that shows up in your vision.
"don't you live near the sea? you might see them before if you go into one." jongseong's words make you almost turn your head as you force it to pause. you never told him before that you live by the sea directly. the only time you mention you live by the sea was last year and he wasn't in your class last year. 'the thin walls have done its job right', you sighed.
"the last time i went into the ocean was 10 years ago," you mumbled, the corner of your lips slightly lifted, hoping he still be able to hear from your small volume. nevertheless, you took a side step closer to the boy as you want to tell him the words that are left on the tip of your tongue.
"and i almost died." he turns his head slightly towards you, seeing you give a nod with a tight lip smile.
sometimes, all the fantasies that you've read or watched got the best of you. you were in love with merfolks and sea creatures stories 10 years ago, believing that because you live near a sea does mean that you might find a merfolk friend or a talking fish sidekick that wants to be by your side.
you went into the ocean alone that day, already learned how to swim and float from practices mom and dad take turns to do for you. wearing your goggles, you swim into the water like what you trained before when you see something glimmer down there. you thought it was a treasure or even better, atlantis.
but, the dream must come to an end when you felt like you can't move one of your legs and you were in too deep, feeling yourself sinking down as you can only see the light being refracted by the ocean's water, air bubbles floating around you as you can see the surface of the water getting farther and farther from your goggle-covered eyes. fighting back to float is no use as your legs are numbing, closing your eyes to let demise take you.
that is when you felt you're being pulled up by your clothes, opening your eyes to see dad's blurry figure floating on the water from the salty water filling up the bottom of your goggle. his hands wrapping around you tight while he grabs a buoy and you can feel yourself being pulled.
that's when you grew to fear the inside of the ocean, a mild thalassophobia as a more fancy term. but, your fear came with a sense of respect as you seemingly can't look away if you came across one.
by the looks from where you stood, jongseong's fascination for the creatures of the sea seems to be new after taking some glimpses of him viewing the swimming fishes as large or larger than you two behind a thick layer of glass, sticking his eyes to one as it swims from the left to right then focusing on another afterward.
jay looks down to see an open palm right in front of him, trailing his vision to see you and your front side as the light illuminates it blue.
"do you want to get away and see the ocean yourself?" he turns to look at you facing him before looking away somewhere on his right, moving your head slightly to see the red numbers on a digital clock. the hand that you let out starts to tremble slightly, which stops when you felt something on it and felt it interlock between your fingers. it was jongseong's hands as he face back towards you, and you wrapped your fingers as well before dragging him away from the large aquarium window.
successfully sneaking past a few teachers and students thanks to the dim hallways of the aquarium, you both meet the sun outside the building where you guide him to run to the underground train station that you saw. walking down the stairs of the less-crowded station, you let out your wallet to pick up your card when you felt a tug, almost stumbling yourself before you find your balance. turning back towards the boy, you see him look between you and the wallet you're holding. him rubbing the back of his neck as he looks down.
"i don't have one of those cards for public transport," he said, making your eyes widen and your head tilt.
'what does he mean he doesn't have a public transport smart card?' was what crossed your mind when you realize why in a flash. jongseong spent most of his time in his own car, being transported here and there by his personal chauffeur.
suppressing a chuckle, you guide him to the machine where you can buy a transport smart card, him having a confused look on his face. you lean forward as you point to where he can put his debit card whilst pressing a few buttons on the touch screen. he pulls out his wallet and debit card to put it in the slot, giving you a nod as his confused expression looked at you picking the sparkly blue type of the various designs and the amount of money to be in the card, putting a specific amount—the exact amount to pay from when you go forth and back to the beach—as you know that he might not be using much after this.
seeing the transport card slotted out as he picks up his debit card, you pull it out and put it on his open palm, walking away first as you tap your own card at the gate. you looked back as you heard the same beep and him stepping to your side of the gate.
you lead him to the platforms—silently glad that there's only one line stopping at this station, seeing the train that is on its way to the opposite way you're going leaving, making you there with jongseong and a few security guards by each platform. you gently wrapped your hand around his wrist as he follows you to a seat underneath the sign of the station name at the side of the stairs. you looked down to let go of jongseong's wrist, drying your palm on the fabric of your uniform.
jay looks at you leaning against the wall behind him while looking down at your feet. he wonders if people notice you two disappearing or not, but by its looks, it is not your first rodeo in leaving class as you look as relaxed as ever. his eyes wandered to the unfamiliar train station he had never been to before, seeing the liminal space empty while advertisements banners also posters decorated small spaces at the pillars on top of a poster of, what he observed, a route map full of various colors of lines going vertically, horizontally, and diagonally. that's when he heard a muted chugging behind the glass window and door across from him, a dark concrete wall on the other side. he saw you straightening yourself up and standing up as you walk to the marked tiles on the floor where doors are, looking back at him before standing up by himself.
the train stops as the doors open and you both step into a pretty empty car. you point to the empty seats near you as jay walks to it and seats at the edge of the row, glancing at the seat beside him and you who instead stand in front of him, grabbing the handle hanging from the ceiling as the door stops and both of your body waver from the moving train.
"you're not gonna sit?" you see him looking up at you. you put your lips into a straight line and shooked your head, seeing him nod as the train runs on the rail, looking at the other cars from the windows at both ends from the one you are in, didn't see any uniform-wearing kids on the train. when the train stops at the first station of three that you have to pass until the end of the line, you see a mother and her son after finishing school stepping into the car. you put a small smile on your face as you can hear the son being excited to visit the beach that you and jongseong are also going to go to.
you've always wanted to have a younger sibling, seeing the little community of yours in a school setting where most of your classmates has sibling older or younger by a few years, being able to go to school and back together. but, as much as your parents try, they struggle a lot and ultimately give up by the time you almost drown yourself.
you were lonely, hearing stories from your friends about how their siblings and they play together while you lay on your stomach on your living room carpet, hearing the electric fan hum while you colored a coloring book until some of your friends ask you to go outside. instead, your loneliness is the one that grows your confidence even beneath your silent shell, being able to interact, in your mind, better than people in your town such as having connections with the storekeepers around the town.
you heard the last station's name—the name of the beach you're going to, walking towards the door as you heard the mother and son walking towards your vacant side. looking at jongseong who sat beside where you stand, you push your palm out which he instantly holds. the train stops and the door opens when you and he walk together, following the son that drags the mother with giggles coming from her as you climb the stairs out, tapping your card at the gate with jongseong right behind you.
the familiar saltiness of the sea can be smelled as you climb the last flight up to the surface, the mother and son that climbs before you two disappear into the light of the sky. you can hear the seagulls and the familiar sound of the rolling waves fading in as you step out, taking a breath of the air coming from the blue wavy ocean across from you, seeing the granite half wall blocking the sand on the other side. the empty road enables you two to immediately walk to where the wall is from the station entrance, steps following right behind you as you lean against the half wall while looking out to the view that you can't get enough of.
you felt jongseong's shoulder touching yours as he stood on your left, hearing him breathing in the air like you did before. you both face the south and see the sun that is now on its way heading west, you look to the east instead where he also leans against the wall. jay peeks at you as you look behind him to the horizon at the east, seeing a thin lighter shade of orange on the edge of the horizon, eyes squinting in confusion before you point your hand towards the east.
"my home is that way, kilometers away," you murmured as you inform someone at your high school for the first time where you exactly live. jongseong has known more about you by what he said back in the aquarium than you intended, making you just open up to him more than you do to suyeon even though you're closer to her.
yet, what is the meaning of close when you have helped him before? him joining you to leave his friends just so that you can stare at the ocean that is 70% of what the earth has? you still have lingering doubts in your mind that jongseong might tell you away since you can't take back the words you say seconds ago, but you also have a lingering thought that he can keep it a secret, the same thing you did as you didn't tell anyone about him hurting himself.
the walls in your school are very thin, as people say. anyone knows anyone's gossip and problems, crafting stereotypes that students can't seem to escape from, including you and even new students like suyeon who enter in the middle of the academic year. how you can know about the boy beside you is from the thin walls, allowing you to analyze people in your school more, something that you know you shouldn't take for granted knowing the elites you went to school with. and yet, you always like to be stealthy, letting out small pieces of yourself implicitly and for a small amount of time. they now know you don't live in seoul and studying there with a scholarship has given you hardship that you have to sustain, what if you're more flamboyant like them? more open? in your mind, it will ruin you more.
jay follows where your hand is pointed, the horizon there swallows the edges of the sky, water, sand, and buildings, not noticing that you're not beside him when he doesn't see your pointing finger anymore. turning around, he sees you stepping down a flight of stairs—not even five steps—to the sand on the other side of the wall. the indentation on the sand from your shoes can be seen as you walk near the water that receded back into the ocean. jay can't help but follow your figure as you took a step closer now on the wet sand, the wave rolling to the land as the water reaches your shoes, but you didn't flinch as it brushes your sole or even a few fabric on top of it.
you turn your head when you heard jongseong's light shriek behind you, can't stop yourself from letting out a giggle and take a stride towards him who looks down with an embarrassed smile on his face, his hand on his chest as you see him taking deep but erratic breaths. your hand naturally reaches out to him, holding his figure by the side of his upper arms, rubbing them as you can hear him now have a more stable pace. yours and his eyes met as you view his face, the small breeze of wind blowing your cheeks as the sleeves' ends of your uniform flowing from it. you let your hands trail down his sleeve and arms to his hands, finally noticing the light marks from his bandage-less knuckles and fingers from when you patch him, moving one of them away to lock the other with yours as he lets you drag him along the sandy beach away from the stairs.
a cluster of shells rested on top of the creamy sand, colors of mostly white and pastel hues of brown and pink attracting your eyes as you let go of jongseong's hand and walk to reach them, seeing the shiny sheen on the outside being reflected by the sun like pearls. you took tiny steps as you observe the variant of the shells being left by small crabs or other critters when you found a periwinkle shell that has such nice ridges and a solid color, then you crouch down and pick it up, brushing the sand outside and inside of it away as you put it in front of the sun, seeing some of the parts let the ray thinly pass.
turning your body around, you see jongseong's eyes on the shells with his hand beside his uniform pants. sneakily walk around his range of vision, you arrive at his side where he looks at you widening the pocket on his blazer, dropping in the shell you picked before closing it and give a light tap before you turn away and back to the shells.
you walk to where more shells can be found, crouching down as you try to see it closer, feeling the skirt around your legs brushing your skin as you see the abandoned yet beautiful items. you can hear your name being called from the sea as your eyes are slowly hypnotized by the swirling blues. a hand on the shoulder lets out a tiny startle from you as you see jongseong holding a shell of his own as he crouched beside you.
"for you," he said as he opens up his palm to show you a small ceriths shell, giving him a small smile as you pick it up and put it in your pocket when you notice a reminder notification on your phone lighting the inside of your pocket. picking it up, you see the reminder that you put before stepping into the bus earlier in the day and the time at the top. you straighten your knees as you look at jongseong while giving a solemn smile, he answers with the same look as he stood up and takes a last look at the ocean before walking away to the station.
you looked down at your hand and his tangled with each other, realizing that you've been doing it the whole time you went away with him as it swings from the moving train, trailing the hand that is holding yours to his figure that looks at the screen on top of the door. you pointed at the empty chairs again when you enter the car, instead, he took your hand in his and stood beside you the whole time. you wanted to let go, but as you felt his thumb rubbing against the back of your hands, you incline to not do it, letting it remain until you arrived at the station where the aquarium is at.
"yo, where've you been?" jay looks towards his friends both in their seats as jake asked him. he only tilts his head slightly as a tiny smirk grows on his face, looking at the window in front of him of you walking away to go somewhere. he wonders that since your home is close by, can you actually stay here rather than follow the others to seoul? in his mind, he knows that it might be a nuisance for you to go back and forth between the cities just because you go to school at one and home at the other, so he hoped you convince the teacher to stay like he wanted to as he stood behind to look at your silhouette in front of the blue sea.
he sees the teacher responsible for his bus stepping inside and counting the heads on the seats from the front of the bus. he can't help but look to the aquarium building you probably went into. where are you?
"okay, we have one more person left. please contact them if you know where they ar-"
"sorry miss…"
the teacher looks back as you emerge from behind her, now holding a gift shop bag with the aquarium logo and its aquatic design as you climb inside and step into your seat, which he does notice now the absence of a head beside you. the door closes as the bus hiss and drives away back to seoul. he leans back against his seat as he looks either to the window of grassy fields and forest of trees or your seat a few rows in front of him.
you, on the other hand, had continued to let the bag sit properly on the empty seat beside your own backpack. since suyeon is sick today and can't come for the trip, you made up your mind before the bus leaves to buy her a souvenir to wherever you go for the trip as you have some spare money to do so. putting your earphones in and taking out another new book, you spend the next hour riding from the suburban closer to your home and away from it back to the capital.
as you look at the dispersing crowd being picked up by their respective car, you felt the vibration on your hand as you successfully get suyeon's address, pretty close to a station as you recall the seoul metro lines you mostly memorize. pocketing the phone in your pocket and crouching down to tie your shoes before you took a step towards the pavement, you can hear your name being called. slowly looking up, you see an open window of a car stopped on the road in front of you, jongseong's figure sitting inside the backseat.
"where you going?" you heard jongseong say as you walk closer to his car, not wanting him to use too much of his voice. you pointed towards the bag that you hold and the gate of the school, seeing a beige-colored seat beside him with his school bag sitting on top, enough for you to compare the dark tone of the seats in dad's car that your family used from time to time.
"dropping it for my friend," you mumbled to help him gain the context. that's when you saw him looking at the bag you hold before replying.
"let me bring you there."
you shook your head as you give a small smile, comfortable enough to take the train instead as it is your main form of transportation.
"i insist. after bringing me to the sea."
you blinked your eyes as you looked at the other cars starting to leave one by one, getting reminded of what kind of setting you are in and how different it is from the ones you get from middle school where students are separated mostly by foot or bicycles. that's when you got reminded that suyeon doesn't know that you don't use a car to school. seeing jongseong moving towards the empty side of the backseat, you think that riding his car may be a good cover-up of the 'where's your car?' question she asked all the time as you finished the school day.
you gently open the car door in front of you as you enter the sleek black matte-colored high-class sedan, the interior much different from the outside when you see a man in the front seat, the chauffeur, giving a smile through the rearview mirror. smelling a citrus smell as you see the air freshener hanging at the front, jongseong slips his backpack to the floor of his seat as he glimpses at you closing the door.
"miss, can you tell me the address of the house?" you perked up as you heard the chauffeur ask, saying before that that you can call him mr. kim. as the car rolls down the streets of seoul after you told him the address of suyeon's house, you cannot help but look at the glass skyscrapers with their marble bases rising up into the sky.
the last time you went to visit your grandparents in seoul, you were sleeping in the backseat of the car so you haven't seen any changes after a long time of not going to downtown seoul with the commercialized street and the buzzing businesses more internationally known and invested. as the car enters the alleys like the ones you usually walk into when you're on your way to the school, you see cafes and restaurants with smaller retail stores then followed by a more residential area with stone walls acting as fences, the car stops in front of the exact number of suyeon's house with a glazed wooden gate at the front, a definite need for a middle-up class house in wealthy seoul.
walking to the white button that stands out from the dark grey wall, you press it, hearing a bell ringing as you can see the black dot on top, the house camera. as you live in a less-technologized house, you wonder why houses and apartments in seoul use cameras, but living in an urban setting is much more dangerous as you hear homicide cases being done in big cities like seoul and busan on the news.
you wait silently with both of your hands holding the straps of the bag, discreetly looking back to the car as you wonder what jongseong might be doing or thinking about you giving something as affordable as a souvenir to a friend.
the sound of the gate being open and a few sneezes right behind it makes you look forward, suyeon is standing in a casual outfit, her nose has a crimson tint to it and a tissue on one of her hands.
"(y/n), what are you doing here?" she asked as you give out the gift shop bag to her. her eyes slowly turn bright and picking up the bag out of your hands, seeing what you bought her as you let out a small smile.
"aww so cute. thank you and sorry for getting sick." she puts down the bag and hugs you, making you stumble back as you didn't count for the hug to happen.
"you must be suffering from how lonely you are." she then pouts, your giggle enters her ears as she pulls away from you after whispering.
"i don't want to make you sick." you patted her hands after what she muttered before she slips back inside while waving with the other hand not holding the bag, you let out a chuckle as she sneezes again after closing the gate.
you turn to face the way to the nearest station that you can ride on your way to seoul station when you heard something sliding. you see the window at jongseong's side being open, mr. kim also looks toward you.
"i'm gonna go to the station now, thank you for the ride," you muttered before turning away and you heard jongseong's voice.
"you can ride with me again, to safe less money." he tried to convince you. you tried to shake away your head as you don't want to burden him, but jongseong has insisted before. and by the looks of it, he will do it again if you tried to deny the offer. you let out a small nod before stepping onto the seat you sat on before.
as the car stopped at the entrance of seoul station, you turn towards jongseong and mr. kim for the last time as you mumble a small “thank you” before going out of the car to enter the station. jay didn't know he was holding his breath the whole time it happened that he finally let it out as you turn a corner inside the station. he looks down at his lap as he remembers what happened in the past hours between him and you.
"if i were you, i won't let her go."
"huh?" jay looks up to see mr. kim looks at him through the rearview mirror, and a small smile that looks genuine decorates his face.
"she's a nice lady. bringing her friend a gift because they can't go on a trip? i've never seen that kind of kindness in a long time." jay turns towards the station, still being able to see the remnants of you leaving the car as it walks farther and farther.
"ah… yeah…" jay mumbles out as his hands unconsciously go to the pockets of the blazer he still wore.
"did you two go somewhere other than the aquarium? you mentioned the sea before when talking to her." jay looks surprised that mr. kim notices what he is told as his hands slip into the pocket, feeling two items sitting there as he pulls them out. the blue transport card and shell you give to him now sat beside him in the middle between where he sat and where you sat.
"yes, we did."
-
jongseong asking you to hang out on the last day of final exams and school before summer vacation was the least expected thing you have ever thought. yet, here he is showing up behind you and suyeon who are talking about the exam you went through and what you are doing in the summer, her saying she'll be going to japan while you replied by 'going to the sea', which is half-true because you have to help mom with her cafe as it is the holidays. after he asks, you felt a nudge on your arm as you peek at suyeon's who is leaning to your ear.
"since when are you close with jay?" you turn your head to see her squinting her eyes, a smirk on her face as she teasingly wiggles her eyebrow, hoping that the boy she talked about didn't hear what she said.
you and she have been open up about both of your love life—or whatever that is called as a teenager—in you two's corner of the cafeteria. when you mention you never dated anyone, you remembered the shock on her face as she complains while complimenting how attractive in every aspect you are, making you shyly look down. since that day, she has been jokingly pairing you up with people in your year and a few seniors. it is a miracle that she hasn't mentioned jongseong yet when she remembered jisung, yedam, and surprisingly also jaeyun and sunghoon.
"a long story." is what you can reply to her as she raised her eyebrows playfully before sarcastically excusing herself to leave the two of you alone, the rest of her fingers excluding her pinky and thumb folded, forming a "call me" gesture before walking away, maybe even making her skip giddily given the good mood she has.
jongseong continues to talk about how he wants to bring you to lotte world, the indoor amusement park you haven't gone to but you are intrigued. you've seen multiple variety shows on tv shoot their shows there, specifically a running man episode years ago where they use the amusement park's roller coaster as a part of their game. you remember seeing a few adverts around christmas time where they promote their skating rink. the childish lens of going to an amusement park covers your eyes as you think back about how fun it must look on tv, and how it must be more fun to be there yourself. that's why you say yes, making you text mom that you can't come home early.
what you also not expecting was that instead of using his car and mr. kim's service, he walks beside you as you both walk along the pavement to ride to the train station nearest to the school. your startled face makes him inform you that he asked mr. kim to pick him up after you both finish and him wanting to explore seoul's subway, seeing the blue transport card you pick for him the last time you went together with a train. the surprise doesn't even come from you only, but also from the security guard as you both walk past them, seeing their widened eyes before a small grin on their face is formed as they greet you and jongseong farewell.
you mostly take the lead in riding the train and where you should stop and transit at, seeing students your age also riding the train who sometimes you catch their eyes looking at you two. you wonder if it is because of your uniform and school logo, jongseong who stands beside you near the walls as you know your school is famous with other people including its students—excluding you, or the fact that you openly hold his hand in public where gossip can just fly around. they don't even know who you are or even search who you are on the internet if they want to find out. the walls aren't just thin at your school, you realized. they can also be just as thin in the city of seoul.
as you both arrive at jamsil station, you both stride in the winding hallways that are getting thinner and thinner to see the lotte world entrance in front of you. you feel chills on your skin as the air conditioner hits you when you step inside and walk immediately to the entrance to pay for the entry. with cash money that you've held cause you don't buy lunch at school, you take them out and give them to jongseong as he paid using his card. seeing him almost denying your money makes you squint your eyes as you nudge it towards him, making him chuckle as he accepts them.
you see the vast openness of the top floor of lotte world where most of the rides are, seeing people with their crowds, children with their families, and much more people wearing school uniforms as it is a staple to wear uniforms to lotte world that you saw a uniform rental place before entering. you see the skating rink below full of a sea of people, wanting to do it too but don't know if the time is enough. your eyes wander elsewhere when you see a stand full of headbands with people surrounding it and people in uniforms wearing headbands of their own, making you walk towards it.
you see the different headbands as jongseong stood beside you. your eyes catch onto a gray cat ear headband as you pick them up, feeling the soft faux fur on the palm of your hand as you turn towards jongseong and place it on his head. jongseong's surprised look makes you giggle as you pick another one for yourself and walk to the cashier, your turn in buying the headbands.
"you do know, i'm allergic to cats, right?" he whispers behind you as you shook your head, pulling out your own debit card and giving it to the cashier.
"i picked cat ears cause you're very elegant," you replied when the cashier gives back your card and the receipt, putting the headbands on him and you.
"while i like to be lazy just like they do." you jokingly said as you turn around and walk away, leaving jongseong alone to collect his thought before following you.
you both made a promise to take turns in buying stuff as you express with a look of disgust on your face the idea that he should pamper you cause you are the opposite sex, making him chuckle as you both continue to wander around. you didn't know that it also includes which ride you're going to take when he asks you.
'me?' you pointed to yourself as he replied a "yes". so, you stopped him and point to the viking ride then to the 360-degree track at one corner by the other. you grab his hand and dragged him across the avenue to the roller coaster you point, realizing it is the same roller coaster you see from the running man episode some years ago.
you felt giddy as you prepped yourself to climb inside the cart after putting away your belongings and headband. as you've already felt secured in the seat after the staff secured your restraints, you look towards jongseong who stares at you, eyes trembling. you let out your hands towards him which he grabs as the cart surge forward, slowly climbing as you bite your lips looking at the ant-like people beneath you walking in the open space.
thus, you can't let your eyes open as the roller coaster cart goes down with the rail, screaming like the people in front and back of you. you heard jongseong's scream that makes you laugh so hard as you climb the 360-degree loop and another loop before you arrive back at the start, exhaling as you laugh from the excitement that jongseong follows as well.
stepping down from the ride, you see people crowding the avenue and hear the sounds of music from a marching band. the parade is starting and you jog to stand in the crowd that has formed, seeing the acrobats doing their performance, colorful colors of confetti fly all over the place, you and jongseong hold hands. as you heard the speaking voices and children's voices hooted in excitement, you heard people beside you speaking differently than the other, piquing your interest.
"¿Lo has encontrado?⁷" you turn your head to see a couple of tourists twisting the map. you understand almost everything you heard when you listen to them complaining.
letting go of his hands, jay sees you approaching some people and he follows you through the crowd to see you seemingly talking to them in a foreign language.
"¿Puedo ayudarte?⁸" he heard you say, making him raise his eyebrows.
"¿Puedes hablar Español?⁹" one of the people replied.
"Un poco…¹⁰" you said proudly. jay understood the last few sentences, having learning basic spanish back when he used to live in seattle and went to an american elementary school. as he continue listening then he got confused.
"Estamos tratando de encontrar la entrada a la montaña rusa¹¹." the other person beside them says as he sees you leaning forward while pointing at the map, he stood close enough to hear you converse using a much higher-level spanish than the ones he learned back in the US. seeing you converse freely like it's your second language. he sees you smile as the other two looks at each other before walking away.
"¡Muchas gracias!¹²" he sees you bow as the two tourists walk away.
"De nada…¹³" you replied as you give a small nod as the tourists cannot be seen anymore, looking down when you see the familiar hand holding yours.
"didn't know you can speak spanish…" he whispered as you turn to look back at him. your head tilts with a small smirk adorning your face before looking towards the big ship behind the crowds.
"let's go to the viking ride before it gets full." he lets you dragged him as you walk to the last ride of the day.
setting down the lunch and beverages you bought, you look around the cafe that jongseong brought you to outside of lotte world, he said that eating areas in the park are usually full around lunchtime, especially since tomorrow is the first day of summer vacation. so he brought you outside and walk to a cafe he found. you asked if he has been here before and surprisingly he hasn't, saying that he found them out when scrolling through recommended places on social media.
you sit there quietly, sometimes catching each other's eyes, and a smile tugs on both of your faces as the sounds of other people fill up the quietness instead with some clanks of utensils thrown in.
"thanks… for today and the food…" you murmured as he smiles back at you.
"you're welcome. really glad you enjoy it... i did some pre-planning unlike when you brought me to the sea." jongseong replied as you notice that you were the only ones in uniform in the cafe. looking back, you see him looking at the faded scars on the knuckles, the mark of the first time you truly interact with him.
"and thank you for patching me up." he added as you give a small wave of "no worries" that you hoped he can understand. he sighed as you gaze at him concerned, furrowing your eyebrows as you see him looking back at you.
"that day when i hurt myself… i was in a rage with myself for not winning the election." you heard him scoff as he straighten his pose.
"such a childish act if i thought back about it but that was the first time i've ever felt bitter about something." you slightly pouted your lips, hands paused as you try to be attentive towards him while he chuckled.
"i thought that my programs, visions, and missions are enough to be the pick as it isn't as lopsided as the others." he bobs his head, wetting his lips to help him continue to talk before a scowl starts to form on his face.
"and i thought that treating people equally is enough to make people vote for me." you look down at your food as you try your best to eat them up so that you don't lose appetite.
"that is until when i give you that rocher that it changes everything." your ears perked as you got mentioned and close your eyes as the doubts in your mind that day shows up and scream at you "told you so" that deafens what he is saying. but you shook your head away as it pauses to let you continue to listen.
"heard a rumor about me coinciding with you or such… making them turn off from voting for me to vote for the others instead." you wanted to blame yourself for that day after getting the full context from what he has spoken.
he lost because of you. because you accepted the chocolate and eat it after minutes to think about the consequences coming ahead and it became true. you felt disgusted with yourself that you've done such an act that damnifies him.
"but i don't regret it." you heard his voice penetrate through your thoughts. the sting in your eyes you didn't know was there slowly dissipates as your eyes raise to see him now looking at you.
"even with the rumors surrounding you, i get to see you in action when you give the new girl your own seat after her terrified look." your eyebrows raised as you blink rapidly from his perspective of the encounter.
"i was walking to grab my friend for the campaign when i see from the window. and that's when i started to think differently of you." his words make you slowly let go of the utensil you are holding gently on the plate in front of you.
"then when you helped patch me up? it solidified that you are a nice person without the glitz and glamour that i used to see on others around me." you let out a huge sigh as you take in what he said, sending warmth all over your body and your heart fell full.
you were mostly the same between what you do at home and school but the prejudice of you versus them just blinded the people other than suyeon who were probably around the same level as you mentally, deterred but resourceful. so you were starting to be glad that you did what you did to suyeon on her first day. all you wanted to do was to protect her and hopefully not see her being treated like you do.
"thank you for making me validated." your direct reply before continuing to eat.
jongseong is also alongside you when you ride to seoul station, sometimes asking you how many minutes it takes for you to travel between home and seoul, exposing to him the station name of where your little town is that you cannot take back, pinky fingers wrapped around each other as your other hand grip the handle on the train.
as you both stepped out of the train at seoul station, you brought him near the gate as the transit to the line you're going on next is the same way as the exit. you stood near the middle of the big hall as you wanted to let go of his pinky but instead, the grip tightens, making you lightly hit him on his arms before pouting.
successfully letting go, you walked away when you felt a tug on your wrist and your body being embraced in his arms, knocking the breath out of your lungs as he part away with a concerned look on his face when you smooth your hands against his, feeling your fingertips against the scars on his knuckles.
you looked around to see the digital clock as the train is almost coming, slowly letting go of his hands as you walk backward, waving your hand at him with a smile on your face before turning around to walk to your platform, leaving jay alone as he lingers his gaze at your retreating body before walking to the gate and meets up with mr. kim is at the parking lot of the station.
you lean your temple against the wall as you gaze at the sun setting down with its orange and purple sky as oohyo's song is playing in both of your ears, hands lightly wrapped against the metal handle to help your body not flail. another transit and another train ride later, you arrived at the station where the sun has fully disappeared and the moon and stars were much more visible, finally has their time to shine.
you see mom at the counter after saying farewell in a foreign language you understand to a solo traveler as they walked out of the cafe, seeing you entering with a smile on her face that you mimic back.
"how's your day?" you heard her ask as you put down your bag to help mom close the cafe. you replied with a thumbs-up, hearing her giggles entering your ears.
"so, who's this friend you went out with?" you looked from the corner of your eyes to see mom wiggling her eyebrows making your pursed your lips.
"it's just this boy that i helped and he helped me back," you said as little as possible, knowing that at dinner both your parents want to know everything. they are high school lovers after all and will tease you to death if they can find those little tendencies you're now having with the boy you mentioned to her, making the corner of your lips tug as you let out a smile.
the smell of roasted coffee sticks on you for the past summer as you return to the counters after serving the beverages. the whole summer vacation you have is used to help mom as your theories are true. not only are you doing full-time for her because of the increasing amount of customers, mom even opens more summer job applications for your friends in the neighborhood to help her.
today is exactly one week before summer vacation ends. you stay true to the words you said to suyeon when you tell her you're staying by the sea, seeing notifications by her giving you updates on going to harry potter world in osaka while you give a photo of the sea a few meters away from your home.
you have fulfilled your promise to tell her about your blooming friendship with jongseong, sometimes interchangeable with calling him jay even though you've always called him jongseong in your mind. you remember her talk with you in your bedroom, a reply saying along the lines of "i'm happy for you and i'll support you along the way."
the reminder of the words of support forms a small smile on your face as you help put the freshly baked pastries and cakes that one of your middle school friends give to you into the display case. crouching down to make it easier to put, you heard the ringing bell by the entrance of the cafe, making you straighten your feet as you look towards the entrance to greet the new customer.
it's jongseong, looking around confused before his eyes are now on you, a smirk showing up on his face after realizing he’s in the right place.
you rub your palm against your apron as you head to the cashier where he walks towards, stifling a chuckle as you can see your other friends teasingly look at you before going to the kitchen to help mom. you lean against the counter as you see jongseong looking at the menu in front of him.
"welcome, how may i help you?" you said with confidence in your voice. he risen his eyebrows while slightly biting his lips, looking up at you.
"can i order an iced americano and your favorite drink? both takeaways," he replied, making you chuckle as you look away while he continues.
"and your time, if you can. the drink is for you too, i'll buy them." you looked up as you pursued your lips to contain your smile.
you squinted your eyes as you lifted your apron slightly and widened your arms to the situation you're currently in, that's when you felt hands on your shoulder as you peek beside you to see mom.
"you must be jongseong…" she directly said as you turn towards her, not trying to panic as you see him nod with a slight crease on his face.
"i'm (y/n)'s mother, nice to meet you!" you see jongseong shaking his hand with mom's as he greets her, looking between you and mom as you see from the corner of your eyes her teasing smile.
"you know what? as (y/n)'s boss, technically, you can end your shift early." your eyes widen as you look at mom after hearing her words, opening your mouth and wanting to refute when she cuts in.
"but you're making his orders first before leaving. you can put the apron at the counter right beside the beans." mom said as you see her leave to talk with the other workers to see how they are doing. you looked back towards him as you nod and let your hand out for his payment.
he waited at the other side of the counter as you created your drinks, iced americano for him, and iced chocolate for you. the sound of you preparing the beverages filled the air between the two of you while you can smell the distinct caffeine smell. putting your apron down on the counter like what mom said, you picked up the two beverages and give one to jongseong, saying farewell to your friend that replaces you at the cashier as you see her giving you a wink before you teasingly roll your eyes and left the cafe. shaking the cup in your hand to help stir the drink inside as you walk mindlessly on the street with jongseong following behind.
"what made you come here?" you look towards him as he turns his head to see you.
"just wanting to visit you. last time we talked on that train you mention where you'd live. so why not visit?" you raise your eyebrows after hearing him.
"didn't you say you're spending your summer in seattle?" you reply as you recall talking to him about seattle on the train back from the cafe, where you found out is where he was born, and where he said he is spending his vacation for summer. remember that he told you he can speak basic spanish but when hearing you talk he was very confused, making you chuckle.
"i landed yesterday then spend the rest of my day sleeping before visiting here." he then yawns as you squint your eyes at him, shaking your head at how unbelievable he is.
you see him pulling out his trusty blue transport card as you looked at him in shock that made you cover your gaping mouth, hearing his chuckle before sipping his coffee. you're proud that he is brave enough to travel by himself by train following the route that you taught him with maybe the help of a gps, seeing how much he has changed to be independent and you hope to change for the better.
you both arrive at a street where the grass hills formed on the other side of the asphalt road, climbing up the faded dirt path as you glance to see him following you up the grassy field, seeing the kids flying their kites while a few are playing traditional games or ball games. you walk around them as they see you and greeted you, making you give a small wave before climbing a small grassy hill that is empty and a perfect view to overlook the field below and the sea right behind it.
brushing the grass like you used to do as a child, you sit down on the soft grass and straighten your legs and upper body, breathing in the clear air as you close your eyes to feel everything coming in close. hearing the same light crunch beside you as you glance at jongseong sitting down, posture similar to yours as the ocean's wind slightly blows his hair. he closes his eyes to feel the relaxing vibe exude by the summer's sun, the salty gust from the ocean, and the laugh of the children as you stayed quiet to let him be.
every weekend, you always tried to refresh your mind by sitting at the same rolling hills you sit currently. close enough to the sea that it doesn't trigger your phobia in some way. yet, every time you see the waters, you still can smile, enjoying the crashing waves while staring at the blue and white sailboat that is being rented on the docks at the beach, for locals and tourists.
while you sip on your drink, jongseong starts to drink his americano, letting out a refreshed sigh as he glances at you. you can't help but chuckle as you turn away to focus on the kids' colorful kites flying in the sky. how'd you hope that you can be as free as those kites like you right now for the rest of your years.
"after much thought and a trip away to seattle..." you turn your head slightly towards the boy beside you as he talks.
"i understand why you are so quiet." he looks towards your side profile, you staring blankly at the grass's top edge being blown by the wind. you hummed as you spared a look at him, seeing that he is feeling genuine.
never has someone thought your silence means something more than you. but as what you felt as the result of such atrocities you felt back in your first year, you realize being quiet is much better. as jongseong told you that he understands why you are so quiet gives a sense of connectedness that is getting closer and closer, not that jongseong and you aren't close but given the time between spring and almost the end of summer and your track record of not being good at making friends other than acquaintances, it is dynamic yet scary to think about.
"not speaking up my mind and just ignoring people all around you." he starts to speak, letting his breath out in a stable manner as he put down the cup on the grass while wiping his hand on his pants.
"feels kind of melancholic but it doesn't increase the pressure on your shoulder." you looked down at your hand as he continues, bobbing your head in agreement.
he continues to talk about what the people around him at school have been like ever since he gave the chocolate to you. yet, guilt still trying to crawl out of your gut as you listened, wanting to interrupt on how'd you felt by being the catalyst of what happened to him. in the end, he is telling you that he wants to try your thing too, to ignore the spreading words between the two of you.
you replied with nods as you pull out your phone and wired earphones, seeing him looking at the two items while you prepare yourself to listen to music.
"can i listen too?" he asked as you look towards him. you form a small smile as you give the other bud to him, the sound of the rhythm guitar filling up your ears as the drums followed right behind and the lead guitar's wails that makes you imagine images in your head.
"what band is this?" you turn towards him.
you replied, "the volunteers. an indie band." you see him nod as he follows you to stare at the ocean.
"any member that i know?" jongseong questioned as he bobs his head to the rhythm.
"hmm, maybe baek yerin cause she was from JYPE, she is the frontwoman." you bob your head as her voice filled one of your ears, glancing at him to see him bob his head. eyes resting to look at the blues and greens while you both continue to consume your drinks until the cups are empty as you both sit quietly together.
"you have great taste in music." he replied after a few songs, making you giggle as he continue. "it'll be fun to see them play someday," you respond with a nod as you gather both of his and your empty cups together.
"have you thought about what you want to do after graduating?" you heard him ask, peeping at him while also observing the fluffy clouds above you.
"studying classics in the modern world or around that field…" you muttered then look towards him, seeing his bewildered look before he fell out of his trance. you slant your head as you glance at him.
"probably studying between cooking, fashion, or music," he answered as you stared at him instead. you heard his dad owns businesses and you thought he will inherit that someday but you're stunned as his parents give him that much freedom.
many of the students in your class when talking about majors to take, they will pick around the area of economics, medicine, law, or engineering. you understand why they might pick them as you heard their parents might work in those fields too. many competition means they have to try for the survival of fittest. your choice of picking classics is probably a cop-out but at least you followed what you want to follow.
you sighed as you both stare at the ocean, your hands hugging your knees and your face muscles relaxing from the cool breeze. feeling something on your shoulder, you peek at the corner of your eyes to see jongseong putting his chin on your shoulder, glancing his eyes towards yours as you turn your head slightly. his hand is on your other side as you look down when you felt it on your waist. your nails can't help but slightly rub your fingertips as your mind is running all over the place, eyes wandering to the flying kites in the sky.
breath hitches, you move your hand to take his, making him lift his head up as you turn your head fully towards him. the scar on his knuckles almost fully disappears as your thumb traces them one by one. feeling his breath lightly brushes your face as you peek at him leaning closer, his forehead gently meeting yours as the hand that wraps on your waist moves to cup your cheek. both of your lips hover near each other, closing your eyes as you can't bear how nervous you are with him rubbing your cheekbones, then you heard the scream of the children down the hill and water dropping on your head as it gets heavier and heavier.
leaning away, you stand as quickly as possible so the grass doesn't get wetter for you to slip and fall, pulling the buds of each of your ears as you both run in the sudden rain to a bus stop beside the hills. you were glad you were wearing overalls with pants that can make you run fast. jongseong shakes his head as the water falls out of his hair, the sky doesn't even look dark like the rains you used to see as you put your hand out, the raindrops hit your palm. your shoulders slump as you see the kids walking around with their umbrellas risen to cover them up.
but, you want to go out, to feel the freedom you have right now.
feeling that your pocket is deep enough that it takes a few drops to seep into the inside, you step out as your turn back towards him when you see his raised eyebrows.
"come on, jay. you know you're brave enough." you talk louder than you used to do to fight the sound of the pouring rain as your eyes smile and spin around in the middle of the empty street, walking backward slowly as you jokingly taunt to leave him if he didn't follow. him stepping into the rain makes you grin as you stride to hug him, letting him feel wetter from your body, giggling as you lean back to see his defeated face before forming a smirk himself. letting go, you walk first to leave him behind as you walk down the wet road on the way to your home.
the memory of you playing in the rain for the first time comes back to you as you walk around, jumping into puddles where you heard jongseong's yelp that makes you laugh, swinging around the utility poles like you're gene kelly in singin' in the rain, chasing jongseong after he nudges you before you nudges him back hard, arriving at the cafe where mom looks at you two and throws you towels, seeing her shaking her head while you squeeze your hair into the towel as the sun is slowly setting outside with the rain covering it.
jay goes upstairs of the cafe after you gesture to him, seeing a small quaint home upstairs as he rubs his skin around his neck and arms with the towel your mom gave him. the home feels like a home, small enough but filled with decorations that feel like what a house should be. he stood by the stairs as you walk past him, not wanting to stand inside until you allow him even though you point to his shoes as you get yours off before stepping inside. he steps in after seeing you in a fresh new outfit, giving some clothes to him.
"it's my dad's. it's not much…" you gesture your hand as you look at his outfit, knowing that it costs higher than what dad has.
"it's fine…" he smirks as you point to where the bathroom is.
you were washing your hands to prepare for dinner when you heard footsteps coming from the stairs and behind you, sensing that jongseong is standing behind you to help heat up some food. that's when you heard dad and mom's voices coming inside the home, making both you and he turn your head towards the pair.
"jongseong, isn't it?" dad comes forward as you glance at him in front of jongseong.
"jongseong and jay are both alright, sir," he said with a clear voice, his hands politely sits in front of him. you heard dad hum before a chuckle.
"aww, jongseong. don't be nervous." dad wraps his arm around jongseong's shoulder as dad brought him away, hearing dad asking if he wants to stay for dinner as mom's giggles get closer as she helps you heat up and grabs the plates and utensils, still wearing her own apron as you see her plating the food in the pan.
as the last food came, you settle down in your usual chair, an empty seat beside yours now sits jongseong as you heard him and dad laughing from their conversation, glad that dad accepts him and jongseong accepts dad. as the four of you eat, there are a few times both of your parents interrupt to talk as they both teasingly look at you.
"so, jongseong, how did you and (y/n) get close?" mom said as you looked at her with wide eyes, turning your gaze towards him sitting beside you with a spoon in his hands.
"genuinely, we just clicked after…" he turns to you as you look at him, giving a small nod when he looks down to see your hand resting on top of his lap.
"she helped me heal my wound after i got hurt." you felt his fingers locking with yours as you look back at your parents that are chuckling like they're teenagers themselves. this was the first time you ever brought someone home and also your first time seeing your parents act like this, looking very youthful with creases showing as their face contorts into a smile, making them look 10 years or younger than they actually are.
"that's actually like one of ours first encounters, between me and (y/n)'s mom." dad continues as he tells one of the stories of how they met up when dad rested hidden behind the building after being pushed by his "friend" while mom helps to patch him up. you observed how four of you talk together and how harmonious it is.
they looked disappointed when he has to leave, handing you an umbrella when you waited for jongseong to pack his wet clothes up as you will guide him to the station knowing that the last trains are running, and you don't want to worry mr. kim or his parents. you both stepped down to the closed cafe, the room was dark with lights only coming from the hallway of the stairs going up and the streetlight outside with the rain still pouring down.
jongseong walks with you in the rain as you put the umbrella between the two of you, the streetlights lighting up the road as you both walk to the station. you see his hand reaching yours that is holding the handle, stabilizing the umbrella as you walk on the wet road, seeing water running down to the drain as you fight the little current flowing beneath your feet.
"so, jongseong huh?" you heard him say beside you, letting a chuckle out that you follow with yours as you bob your head.
"i felt awkward calling you jay, you know?" you lightly pout as you felt him nudge your shoulder.
"i only allow my parents, jake, and sunghoon to call me jongseong. but you?" you see him raise his eyebrows, "you get a pass." and that makes you smile as you can see the station in front of you two, crossing the road with rails in between the asphalt.
"oh sh- i almost forgot," he exclaimed as he rummaged the pockets of dad's old clothes, which dad said it is now his to pull out something glimmering under the raindrops-shielded streetlight. he holds onto your hand to open up your palm, putting down a cherry-shaped keychain. the light illuminates the red as it gets brighter beneath it and the stem leading up to the chain and hook.
"i know it's not much…" he mumbles while looking at your hand as you close it and lean towards him, giving him a small peck on his cheek.
"it's enough," you muttered as you can see two lights in the distance behind him, his train. you walk him to the covered entrance of the station while he looks at the train coming closer.
your hands wave as he steps onto the platform with the train coming to the station, seeing him wave you back as he steps into the train car. you take a few steps back as the train runs on the track, looking up to see the train runs on the rail in front of you with the crashing waves behind you.
as you arrived back home, most of the lights in your living room are turned off except for a few nightlights in a few corners. stepping inside your room with its own yellow nightlight that you put on while you change clothes, you set the cherry keychain down beside the shell jongseong gave you on your bookshelf, remembering that you kiss him on the cheek and almost on the lips as you caress your lips.
'what is this feeling?'
you wonder as you got reminded of interactions between you and jongseong like how you see your parents. even though quiet, silence is loud enough to give off the aura you both have, in a positive way.
-
both of your thumbs move on the screen on your phone as you zoom in on the written words in the image. eyes widen, eyebrows furrowed, and your tongue pokes the inside of your cheek; you stare at it amazed as the words in the image that jongseong sent you through the new contact of him you've just gotten earlier in the day have now registered in your mind. a colorful poster with lists of musicians performing that you realized was one of jongseong's main program if he won the election, now a reality as you read the few lines of explanation written former to the image being sent. how yedam actually likes the idea of the festival as a way for more teens in the area to have their own opportunity to enjoy the music culture of seoul.
what you can't believe is the names of the musicians you listen to with jongseong that day at the end of summer appearing there, combined with a few kpop acts such as tomorrow x together and lee heeseung that you know costs a lot of money. maybe they wanted to add more to the lineup and since the artists you listen to are more towards k-indie, it costs less than those idols that have a whole lot of staff in their entourage. but the appearance of a certain the volunteers and a few artists you introduce to him makes you think that he thought it thoroughly, inspired by the kind of music you listen to other than pop as a way to introduce them to others.
you almost slip your phone on the moving train when it trembles with the information as the main reason, almost embarrassing yourself in a car full of working commuters who just finished their job. you smile sheepishly at your foolishness and internally facepalms yourself when you stand upright to lean against the wall. then, you see a notification showing up on the screen as you stabilize yourself by holding on to the metal handle. a notification from jongseong.
"i bought you and your friend tickets so you can come together. i'll see you there!"
you nibble on your bottom lip as you hear the announcement of the station you have to transit in arriving soon. smiling to yourself at the thoughtful action from the boy as your heart and mind relax, followed by suyeon's notifications now showing up on the top, her caps locked words express how excited she is about the music festival in the middle of autumn.
after summer ends and you start to go back to school, you can sense the difference between this semester and your previous semesters where you are mostly alone—still as quiet as ever yet with a difference with suyeon right beside you. you both started to open up with each other. you remembered the shock and a drop you felt inside you when suyeon told you her perspective of her first day of school here and the revelation that the same group of people that belittles you in your first year was the same people that bullied her in middle school. telling each other stories about what you both experienced in the empty classroom as the others have left the school one day, giving gloomy smiles to each other after tell-all stories of your experiences of being left behind and ignored.
the biggest difference is the presence of jongseong in your day-to-day life. through small glances between each other as you pass the hallway, you both actively try to let things be as normal as ever, not letting the school knows the business between you two; knowing the tension it produced to know that their most respected student hangs out with the ‘unrespected’ student and a surprise on how peaceful their relationship is. yet, outside of school, you use two days each week after school walking through the street of seoul together. ‘cafe crawling’ as you like to call it when you both visit all sorts of cafes from the most minimalist ones, like the one he brought you after going to lotte world, or to a dog cafe where jongseong doesn't have to worry about sneezing too much while rubbing a head of a puppy. sightseeing the less-industrialized area of seoul where you sat down to enjoy each other’s presence as you read a book in a quaint and antique-looking bookstore while he is doing his student council business.
both of you started to introduce each other's friends to create the circle you once hope for when you entered high school. suyeon smirks the whole time as she looks between the two of you with jaeyun and sunghoon poking fun at jongseong to the death, making you hide behind your friend as you whispered jokingly how scared you are to them, introducing them to the little secret that is you and jongseong's relationship. still, when they asked if both of you are officially a couple, your lips went dry as you look at jongseong that sits across the booth of a restaurant all five of you are having for an early dinner after school.
you never officiate your relationship with each other as you just want to enjoy the flow of the journey. this was the first time you have ever been close to a boy which is more than what you experienced with the boys back in your neighborhood during your tween days, where you are active in playing traditional games and telling ghost stories at school nights—girls are there of course. but, holding hands? cheek kisses? that's what people consider as another step towards something more than friends. jongseong never really commented on it, which made you not want to ask him either. nevertheless, that nagging feeling is still stuck inside you until this very day.
as you and suyeon exchange the tickets to the bracelet that differentiates the holders and step into an unrecognizable atmosphere of your school grounds one weekend, the sun setting behind the school building slowly making the light turns on one by one. you see a stage erected in the middle of the football field as you can hear a voice that you recognized is baek yerin's and the band preparing their set while introducing the members, making you silently pull suyeon to go with you to the stage. people your age, even older, stood in front of the band as they played their first song on the stage, feeling a sense of fulfillment inside you.
"this is my first time seeing you this giddy." suyeon whispers into your ear as you felt her arms wrapping around your shoulder, now just realizing the muscles on the corner of your mouth are lifted so high as you quickly lower it down to save face, making the girl beside you laughs. seeing the band slowly getting into their element, mesmerizing you.
you stood there the whole time, not moving your feet or position as you listen to the songs you listen to through your wired earphones and phone now live in front of you. the speakers beside the stage booming out the live music being performed where you can recognize a tinge of difference that you can hear, as if your brain is supposed to pieces the melody, harmony, and rhythm together from the scattered wave flowing in the, now, night sky rather than the clean sound that enters your ears with your phone and earphones. you held on to a drink that suyeon bought for you as you can’t seem to look away from the stage for too long, bopping your head as the volunteers perform ‘violet’ with crashing cymbals and the chord strokes on the electric guitar, suyeon standing beside you as she drinks a cup of sprite of her own while bopping her head and moving her body to the music.
when the audience claps their hands as the band finishes their set, you felt your phone vibrates inside your pocket. pulling it out to greet the bright light, jongseong’s text can be read asking have you been enjoying it so far. your reply with a short "yes" but with a lot of exclamation marks as he sends a laughing emoji in reply. you look back to the stage to see another artist that you showed jongseong that day, meaningful stone, now on it as she and her band is preparing for their set. you can’t wait to hear her perform when your phone vibrates again and you see jongseong ask,
"can i see you?"
the sound of synth fading in surrounds the area as you hesitate to answer, your thumb seemingly not wanting to move on the keyboard. you wanted to meet him but if he is a crew, won't he be busy?
"aren't you busy?" you wrote as he then reply seconds after.
"the other crews under my care are doing their job so i'm free," he answered.
"go to him." suyeon says beside you as you turn your head to her, making you lightly jump and grip your phone tightly. you straighten your posture as suyeon chuckles, using your open palm to point at you then at her but you know what she will answer. "i'll be okay. go to your boy," she lightly pushes to guide you to the back of the crowd as you turn around to see her wave her hands and dramatically disappeared into the crowd, making you chuckle as you look down and wrote a "yes" to him.
when you read the location he told you to meet up, you let out a small smile as you look at the trees surrounding the school grounds. a speck of light behind one of them, knowing that only the greenhouse is built deeper behind the trees and bushes. you follow the pavement you usually walk to go out of the gates, walking the opposite way of everyone that just enters to see the performance and swerve off course when you are closer to where the greenhouse is and the little shack beside it. the path was dark only lit with a small yellow outdoor lamp sticking to the shack and the ones set near the greenhouse. you heard humming from the corner of the song that is playing right now. the song you introduced to him at that hill that summer.
"hey there, mysterious," you mumbled as jongseong looked at you turning the corner, leaning against the wall he used to punch his fist into with a smirk. your fingertips trace the brick wall as you walk closer towards him, feeling the dent that is left there right beside where he leaned against. he was wearing a crew outfit that you have seen a few of your peers wearing as you explore the field and a lanyard around his neck as he continues to hum, making you lean against the wall beside him, the dent right in the middle of the two of you. you look to the side to see the bright stage covered by the thick leaves and plants as the sound of the music disperses widely to the air, the soundwave only reaching where you at in a small amount as you heard it muffled.
"we've come a long way since that day." you turn your head towards him as he finally sounded, looking at the knuckles he slightly pushes out underneath the light of the moon and the lamps near both of you as the only sources of light that doesn't make you consumed in darkness. you look down towards it, the scars that he made and you healed in this very place, before letting your eyes track the areas where you sit that day covered in shadows yet silhouette is still visible, seeing a projection of yourself and jongseong that day sitting by the tap and hose where you clean him. your hand reaches out for his, so near yet so far as you don't want to lean in further, still afraid if you breach his space.
when he pushes his hand out to grab yours, you didn't get a few seconds to internally embrace that he made you smile as you felt your hand getting closer to your side again. jongseong now stood in front of you, making your eyes widen as you are trapped between his figure and the brick wall. you felt his fingers locking with yours as you look at his face, seeing one side of it shining because of the moonlight with a tinge of the orange from a lamp around the corner illuminating his ear; the other faded into the shadow yet since you see him often you can still able to trace them with your eyes.
you let your free hand reach up to lightly touch his illuminated cheek, making the light hit your hand instead as you glance towards his eyes where he slowly closed them. his head leaning more towards your palm as he lets out a huge breath, making your breath hitches for a second as his eyelids slowly open, a small smile adorning his face. you took a glimpse as his hand reaches up and cups your cheek near your jaw, him silently telling you that you can't move away, making you feel the same feeling as he is currently. nodding your head, his head moving forward as your lips meet each other, feeling your hand that was cupping his face getting stiff as you both lean away, his forehead on yours as you lean your head back, feeling the wall right behind it.
unconsciously biting your bottom lip, his hand moves from your jaw to your chin as he let his thumb press lightly under your bottom lip, letting it go from your teeth. your eyes can only see his as you blink before closing your eyes, leaning in first to let him know that it was okay as you felt the plump lips again. your hand now moves to stop at the junction between his neck and shoulder as both of you continue forward, not letting go anytime soon. as you felt the tip of his nose lean towards one side, you lightly push him close to you as both of your lips continue to mingle with each other. your interlocked hands gripping each other’s as you both continue, the small volume coming from the music is slowly getting muffled as you can only focus on the sound of your lips connecting and your heartbeat getting faster, taking in the air as he nibbles on your bottom lip before he moves back to its place that he has seemingly claim.
you didn't keep up with the time as you suddenly heard louder cheering than before from the stage, making you lean your head back against the wall gently as jongseong's nose tip brushed against yours. you tilt your head slightly to the side as you now recognized that lee heeseung is performing now. your eyes glance back at his face as he leans away so you can see him clearly, noticing how swollen his lips are as you think that it is the same as yours.
"i missed meaningful stone's set…" you murmured as you pouted, making him chuckle before giving a peck on your pouted lips.
"sorry… i just can't wait any longer," he replied lowly as he reach his other hand behind him to get your other hand and brought them in between each of your bodies with the other pair. you observe him looking at your connected hands, swaying them as you see him smile with adorning eyes. he slowly lifts his head to look at you as you waited.
"do you want to take it further with me?" he asked.
"dating you?" you mouthed as he nods, letting out a hiss before biting his lips.
how straightforward he is, you thought. you recall all the thoughts of when suyeon and his friends taunt the two of you to ‘just get together already’. dating was something you are not well-versed in as the closest you have to a "date" was some kid you played around with and you kiss each other’s cheeks back when you were five years old. the thought of having someone by your side and support you, and vice versa, has always been welcoming to you yet also making you intimidated. your closest example of a perfect couple is your parents and their healthy relationship, communicating their problems with each other as open as a book with jumbled words where only each other can read them clearly. you have to peek at one of the moments when you see dad crying as his head rested on your mom's stomach one day, the day after you almost drown. leaning your head against the wall as you listened from the slightly ajar door to a story of what happened to you from his side. you felt intimidated to have a perfect partner for yourself as your parents have with each other, soulmates as everyone says they are.
you didn't know that the partner that can push your intimidating thoughts away is jongseong. from the moment he gave you that ferrero rocher, deep beneath your heart, you know, he will stay in your life as it continues. understanding the click that jongseong described to your parents as you both hanging out for the sake of being with each other. how mom and dad said to you a few days after jongseong visited your town how nice he is and how you exude a more stronger aura of yourself after you met him.
taking a deep breath, you lick your lips before saying, "i do want to." which is then followed by a bright and light kiss from him before pulling away, sparks seemingly surrounding the two of you, making you both laugh as you gently move your hands that connect with his.
"are you free next friday?" you lifted your eyebrows as you squint your eyes at his question. ‘what is he planning?’ was the thought that crosses your mind before you nod slowly.
"since i met your parents before, i think it is the right time that you meet mine for dinner," he spoke as you internalized the proposal and understand his logic. he never told you much about his parents, only about how much his mom adores him as he is also an only child like you are. but, he did not mention his dad much as he described his old man as “more work-oriented” and taking only one day in the weekend to rejuvenate, which is having a dining table talk with the three of them, something that you realized was like what your family do. the idea of meeting the parents of your newly officiated partner—still awkward as ever to now put the label "boyfriend" attached to him even though you can start now seconds ago—intrigues you, in both good and bad ways. will they be as caring as he is or will they be like the other parents that your schoolmates have?
"okay sure," you replied before lightly pushing him away as you remind him of his work as a crew. giving him a small kiss on his lips before letting go of his hands, waving to him before walking back to where the stage stands as you knew that suyeon will ask about what happened between the two of you in your meeting.
friday was fast arriving as you wave at suyeon who is climbing into her car. you turn your head towards the parking lot where you scan the number plate of cars where you, slowly but surely, found jongseong's car. seeing the tinted silhouette of mr. kim in the driver's seat, you climb into the backseat where jongseong greeted you by grabbing your hand and bringing it to his lips to give the back of it a kiss. you put down your backpack and a small bag full of new sets of clothes as your mom told you that going home alone at night in the big city will not be a good idea and suggested that you should stay the night at his place instead. at first you were hesitating, 'first time meeting your boyfriend's parents and already staying the night' seems like a wild train of thought. yet, when you mention it to jongseong, he mentions it to his mom and replied how she is welcoming you with open arms. a seemingly different image of the cold and demanding parents that you often see.
letting out the breath you didn't know you held, the car arrives at an apartment complex that you can figure out by the elegant-looking white-painted wall and the security gate at the entrance, this is a home for important people or people that have the privilege to live there. not as tall as the apartment towers you've seen on the way there but wider in the sense that one floor equals one unit. the car stops in front of the entrance of one of the unit as jongseong step out from his side while you follow on yours. the car drives away down a sloping road as he brought you to the entrance and guides you into the open elevator, seeing him pressing the button with the number 3 on the panel of buttons.
he steps out as the elevator door slides open to walk to the only door available on the floor. standing back as he enters the code on the keypad by the door, you can't imagine how spacious it must be to have a floor of an apartment to claim as your own. the door beeps as you return your gaze back to jongseong opening the door where you can smell something cooking, a classical piece echos to the hallway as you step in and follow him to pull your shoes off.
"jongseong? is that you?" a woman's smooth-textured voice can be heard as he took steps forward on the marble floor as you can view the large living room with big sofas and a big screen tv planted into the wall with a large terrace right across from you, covered with various pots of plants. you don't dare yourself to move your feet anywhere while your head continues to the room that slowly extends to the side, seeing jongseong walks passed the dining table on the other side of the large room to his mom standing behind an island counter and in front of an open window. you can smell a familiar seafood delicacy being cooked as jongseong stood beside her, towering over her while putting a hand on her shoulder as you see her turn around. you felt your breath being taken away as you see one of the most beautiful women you have ever seen other than your own mom.
"welcome (y/n)," you heard her smooth voice addressing you that was bowing your head before you hear a pitter-patter on the floor, a figure stands coming closer as your eyes widen to see mrs. park. she looks like she is dressed up for the occasion underneath her apron, opening her arms wide as she engulfs you in a hug. you held your breath as you sheepishly smile at the woman's son back in the kitchen, him covering his mouth as you see his shoulders move from the unexpected encounter.
"oh, sorry…" jongseong's mom seemed to realize as she moved back her figure to then help smoothen down your uniform, you can't help to look towards her when she smiles. "you are a beauty. come, you can put your bags beside the sofa." you widen your eyes from the comment before doing what she said as you follow them to the dining table.
"i sure hope you like salmon." jongseong's mom spoke as she looks behind the shoulder at you standing near the dining chairs. jongseong seemingly looks at you as he then continues what he was doing, helping his mom cook the dinner. he did mention he wants to learn something relating to cooking before, so you assume he has his time behind the counters and stoves.
"i sure do, ma'am," you replied before you took a few steps to see the spaghetti and salmon being cooked side by side. it reminds you of the weekends when you usually made breakfast alone or with your parents in your kitchen that is smaller than the one you are currently in. back when you were going to school in your town, you always helped in making dinner too, usually stirring or sauté whatever mom puts. ever since high school, your schedule has switched up and dinner was always served, maybe a bit earlier, by the time you finished your journey back home. you pouted as you look at the mother and son duo that reflects you and your own mom.
you turn your body away as you see the home that looks bigger from the angle you stood at. a hallway at the end of the room beside the tv and one beside the wall of the shoe closet at the entrance. walking towards the window of the terrace, you can see the sky getting darker as the lights start to illuminate on the rising buildings of the city, a bit far from the hill the apartment complex is built on. the view is breathtaking as you have never seen the city like this before, reminding you of your view from your bedroom window is the streets of your neighborhood and a few streetlamps since it isn't tall enough.
your body perks up when you felt a hand on your shoulder. glancing to the side to see jongseong who stood beside you, leaning in to whisper to your ear, "dinner is ready."
he brought you and help you sit on the seat beside his where you can see the food and drink served on the plates with a few leftovers are serve in the middle of the table. you tugged your clothes to tidy them up as you sit on the soft cushion, observing his mom pulling off her apron and putting it on the island before taking a seat across from you.
"thank you for the meal, ma'am." you bowed your head before grabbing the utensils that sit on either side of the plate, looking between the pair as his mom gestured for you to try the food. your lips pursed as you nod your head at how tasty the food is before continuing, mrs. park lets out a sigh of relief, you hope, from across from you and puts both of her hands on her chest.
"i didn't know what you might like so i just thought that you like seafood as you live by one." his mom replied, making you lift your head before you slowly turn your head at your boyfriend who is just innocently eating beside you. lifting your eyebrows, he stares at you before quickly inhaling the food he’s eating.
"ahh… i told her where you lived after i visited you at your home." he said after finishing eating the food in his mouth. "she was curious about why my clothes were different than the ones i left with so i told her what happened, where you live, et cetera." you nodded as you looked down on your lap.
deep inside your brain, you knew that it will reach his parents someday. and yet, you still feel insecure about it. that their son hangs out, or even dates, someone that is mostly outside of their circle other than where they go to school at, whose habits and facilities are not as complete as what they have. your mind is slowly getting clouded by the darkness that you have pushed aside for months now as it meets an unknown factor that isn't included in their initial defense. in tiny steps, it regresses back to that faithful day in your class with the small ball of chocolate on your lap.
"i don't know what you have experienced." your focus comes back, now realizing you were breathing irregularly before looking up at jongseong's mom's concerned eyes. "but i heard stories between the two of you and i don't care about where you live or your wealth." your bottom lips tremble as you grip on the fork and knife.
"i can see how happy he is with you beside him." you see a hand on top of yours as you trail it back to the woman in front of you. a sincere look that is familiar in her eyes as she lets out a gentle smile, creases forming on the corner of it as the sign of how long they have experienced the world and its difficulties and how it seems that she likes to smile with her eyes. taking a deep breath while slowly blinking, you nodded your head before mouthing a "thank you" where she tightens her grip on your hand before continuing to eat.
having a small talk whilst eating with his mom reminds you of when jongseong eats with your folks, how she has the same glint in her eyes you recognized as she teases him in front of you, seemingly purposely embarrassing him as you can’t help but giggle at how the boy beside you reacts to it then gives up. some peaceful family moments you used to never believe happened to the elites at your school from the horror stories that you have eavesdropped on before in school. some sticking to you like a child of a chaebol that has various paramours to succession drama within families of lawyers, even suyeon's family who doesn't seem to care about her well-being that she has finally opened up to you, caring about her progress in her hagwon studies.
your head twitches as you heard a small beeping sound from the entrance of the unit. heavy steps echos on the hallway as it stops, seemingly taking their shoes off base on what is there. a figure wearing a suit and tie steps into the living room, turning their head to look towards the dining table.
"dad?"
"honey?"
jongseong and his mom both exclaimed as you can now see the clearer image of a man coming closer to the dining table, features that you can see on his face are also available on jongseong, albeit stronger. the man wears a stoic but gentle-looking expression as he walks to the chairs across from you and gives his wife a kiss on her forehead.
"i messaged you that my meeting was canceled for today." his voice is heavy but with a matte sheen to it, similar to jongseong but a bit rougher.
"ahh… i was cooking for a guest," she replied as she looks towards you sitting across from her, making her husband's head turn towards you, a slight tilt from his head when he finally can see your presence.
"and who do we have here?" he replies gently, hand resting on the back part of the chair his wife is sitting on.
"good evening, mr. park. i'm jongseong's-"
"girlfriend. she's my girlfriend." jongseong cuts you off as you see his hand grabbing yours that is holding onto a fork on the table, making you take a peek at him—pupils trembling—before returning your attention to the man, his dad.
the man acknowledges you with a pause and a nod before replying, "you look familiar." your eyebrows creases as jongseong’s dad walks to the sink to wash his hands and grab a set of plate and utensils for himself from the cabinet. what does he mean by that? you have never seen mr. park before today. does his comment mean that he has seen you when he went to school, recalling the memory of jongseong’s parents being donators and such? must be as that was the most plausible explanation you can create from the informational circumstances.
mr. park sits in the empty chair across from his son and right beside his wife. you discreetly took a glimpse at him, twirling your pasta with your fork when you notice that jongseong was glancing at you. his eyebrows were raised with you following before returning back to your food. has he also heard that small comment his dad made at you?
"any name for my son's girlfriend?" his dad suddenly asked. your head tilts up to meet the family before clearing your throat.
"my name is (y/n), sir," you answered. what you didn't expect was a small shock forming on the man's face before he composes himself. you took a peek at jongseong from the corner of your eyes, a confused look showing on his face while his mom’s confusion that started around the same as yours started to dissolve. a look of recognition enters the frame of her eyes after the words her husband said, gently slapping him on his arm so he is not leaving the sudden tension hanging.
"are you by chance (y/f/n)?" your eyebrows furrowed, bewildered by your full name being mentioned.
"ye-yes i am. how do you know my name…?" you mumbled the words that formed in your mind, hoping that your voice reach the man that sits diagonally from you. because of his answer, you start to question all the paths that you have to cross and go through to reach where you at now. searching if any of them has any trace of mr. park or not.
"i'm the person that sponsors your scholarship."
your head unconsciously tilts as the revelation slowly tries to make sense in your mind.
jongseong's dad is the one that sponsors your scholarship. he is the person that pays your school fees to go learn at the school you are enrolling currently. he might be the one that offered to open a scholarship at your school in the first place. and here he is, sitting at the dining table with you.
you're not one that easily believes in fate and destiny, having seen how hard working your parents or people around you are in gaining their place in the world, yours also. the idea of competition has been ingrained into your brain, even though you don't show how competitive you are unlike your peers who are ambitious in their own way. competition is what you went through to be able to enroll in your current school after all. but, you meeting and having a relationship with jongseong isn't a result of a competition, even though you see some tendencies of that at school of how people seemingly adores or adored him. the chances of the person you are dating has a parent that provides your tuition for the whole three years of school was so tiny it is almost impossible. nevertheless, because of it, you feel thankful to fate and destiny for making it happen.
"i mostly stayed in contact with your parents though. but i believe i've seen you before, might be before you were enrolling." he continues as you sit on the chair, stunned while looking at your half-finished meal on the plate, shaking your head at how a coincidence it must be even for jongseong's dad and mom that is now adorning a smile as she finally puts the pieces of the puzzle together.
"i-i don't know what to say other than a thank you, sir." you bowed your head once again before you look at the smiling family that are staring at you. jongseong's smirk adorns his face as he realized and internalized your actions and words.
"i mean, i should thank you too (y/n). no one has ever been with jongseong before especially romantically." the man cracked a joke that makes you chuckle as the tensions simmer down at the expense of jongseong's well-being, which he then whines to his dad before making a joke to them as you all finished dinner. how his dad asks about your parents’ well-being and how his mom tells her husband the romantically cheesy "dates" that you have to go through with her own words as told from the boy's perspective, some even shock you and it gains their peals of laughter. a harmonious relationship that you hope can reflect on yours too.
"can we talk about what happened at the dining table?" jongseong exclaimed as he puts his phone down on the mattress, the flashlight from it lights up the space as the duvet covers both of your figures and rested on your head as you sit in the middle of it. after dinner, jongseong introduced you to the guest bedroom right across from his where you’ll be staying for the night as his mom doesn't want anything inappropriate to happen tonight between you and his son with her husband saying that you both are too young for that, which made jongseong rolls his eyes before helping you settle down for the night. you didn't expect that he knocks on the door as you were going to sleep on the nicest bed you have ever slept in, persuading you to join him in his room to hang out between the two of you.
your relaxed and sleepy face takes in jongseong's room that, you can assume, is double the size of yours back in your home. seeing the black that you so associate him with makes a wooden accent wall in the room, a desk with a gaming set up while a small cabinet with textbooks rested on the lighter-colored wood outline against it. the anomaly that is easiest to see is the light-colored shell you gave to him, which is right beside the blue transport card you picked and see him use. both items are placed in front of frames of photos of little him and his parents. you were chuckling when you see a photo of his little body sitting in a sports car pretending to drive it when the light suddenly streams out and the moon's shining light seems to be brighter in the room. you turn back around to see him moving around the duvet while patting on the mattress, frantically picking up the duvet and resting it behind you to then sit up on his knees and pull them above you to create a new ceiling, enveloping both of you in darkness.
"yeah, we can. i was as shocked as you." you sit forward, crossing your legs as you felt your knees touch his when you decide to sit facing each other. his hand rested on his lap with your hands resting on top of your knees.
"what's the chances of that could happen? one in billions, right?" he asked similarly to what you thought about as you see him scrunching his nose while thinking, a habit you've recognized of him as you've seen it every time you've started to hang out with him. you dozed off as you recall everything that happened and trailed the road on how it came to be. that if you didn't get information about a scholarship, you might not even know jongseong. that if you didn't get accepted out of the people that apply, you can’t be in the same school as jongseong. that if jongseong didn't see you in your class helping suyeon, he might not offer you a chocolate, to then might help him win the election which results in you not helping him after he tried to hurt himself. the road goes on and on and on, yet you wonder what will become if you take the wrong road to cross, will you be able to be the you that you are right now?
"yeah… sorry i was dozing off, thinking about something," you replied as you realized he might have been waiting for his question to be answered.
"about?" he asked as he lean his head towards where his shoulder is.
"how we were both came from different roads but we turn the right way in each of every crossroads we face to reach here." you sighed as your hands gathered together on your lap, soothing each other as you collect your thoughts to summarize it to words.
"i wonder if we have taken another turn, will we be like this?" your murmur makes him hum as silence consume both of you, letting your mind go into a rampant as you take in the lit-up duvet above and around you. letting your eyes look down, you felt something warm touching your hands: his hands. the mattress beneath you move as you felt his breath in front of you, leaning closer to give you a kiss on your lips. your hands turn outwards as you move them to grip his that wanders, slowly leans away, and settles back in his space.
"this is what i felt and what i hope comes true every time." his hand cups one of your cheeks, making you rub against it in reflex as its warm transfers to your own. "that whatever road i take, they all lead to you."
-
your third year came and went by as fast as how light traveled. heaving from the heavy tests that you just go through, you dragged your feet as you look at the other test takers that almost looks the same as you after the uphill battle that is suneung. even though you didn't devote your entire three years of high school to it, you can't help yourself but be curious as to how your average knowledge will compare to those who have studied and dedicated their time to it. you didn't expect to be able to get into your choices as you picked the SKY universities that you always heard only accept those people that achieved the top 3% of the highest scores. that’s because your idea of university entrance preparation and announcements was thrown out of your head when you received an e-mail a few days ago.
bringing the lunch box bag that mom packed before you left in between your curled fingers and palm, you see her and dad standing at the entrance with their coats layering their clothes as the weather is getting colder. she said the day before that it is family support is important for suneung takers as both of your parents enter their universities through it, celebrating what is the hardest usage of a brain their children must endure. dad even mentioned that mom will be closing her cafe just for that day as they travel to seoul in his car, probably visiting your grandparents too while they wait for you. they were also as curious as you to see how their child has compared to others, knowing that you only studied for it since the day you registered to join, allowing usage of their disposable income to pay you for the registration and to see the results.
right beside them is jongseong's mom wearing a luxury-branded coat from how iconic its look is from the images you have come across on the internet, talking to your parents as it seems that she is slowly getting to know them after the whole positive debacle between yours and her family. you were just as shocked when you and jongseong pick the same place to take the test as you both didn't talk much about suneung, universities entrances in general are a very sensitive topic for kids in their final year of k-12 studies after all. as you stride heavily towards them, you see the three parents turning their heads to you as you greet your parents with a hug then bowing your head to jongseong's mom as a greeting, waiting for the boy to come out.
your third year can be summarized as a very chaotic and eventful year. starting with the new list of classes being shared a few weeks before the first day of your semester where you see your name with suyeon, jongseong, and jaeyun in the same column; sunghoon, at that time, has already moved to canada after you all are confirmed to pass your second year for his ice skating training as he might be drafted to more national level events. the four of you then started a group chat together—courtesy of suyeon—so it makes it easier for communication and group projects as most of them will be in a group of four, sunghoon being included so that, as jaeyun says, he can feel a sense of normalcy again where he hangs out with his two best friends and the entire entourage.
you remember on the first day of class, you see jongseong waiting for you on the stairs of the entrance, a small smile appearing on his face as he offers his pinky finger out to you. at first, you hesitated to accept it but you knew from what he communicated through his eyes that you recalled the talk the two of you have about trying to be open as a couple at school, how he at least wants to let people know that he is taken by you and you to him. so, you wrapped your pinky with his and enter the hallways together to your new classroom.
from your view, you can see the changes in people’s perception of you as you walk side by side with him, even though only two fingers wrapping with each is the link between both of you. you that were always being belittled in your first year and ignored in your second were now a center of attention that you didn't seek in in your third. how you can see people whispering about it, the walls getting thinner and thinner as another wall made of spoken words is slowly crushing it, how your wall was challenged by jealous eyes and confused glares.
yet, you two persevered. you two were numb about their words from your turning points that connected with each other’s and instead of weakening both of you, they made it stronger. well, not for jongseong as his partner in the council and your classmate, jisung, suddenly took a liking towards you. suyeon seems to notice it when she whispered that the jock is glancing towards you once in a while, even picking you for team games in p.e. classes—where it used to be an unpleasant experience for the last two years. jaeyun seems to also notice it after a few times it happened that you remembered hearing him speak to his friend as they sit behind you.
"come on, jay. you got her first. don't let it eat you up."
with suyeon turning back towards him to continue what jaeyun has baited for a conversation, "she's not even jealous of the people that still liked you last year."
you lightly slap her upper arm before turning around to tilt your head to jongseong, pouting your lips at how unbelievable he is to believe that you took a liking towards someone that fast. seeing the trust he exudes from his eyes firing up as he rolls his eyes and agreed with what his friends said.
after you see jongseong coming out of the building, all of you are headed to a restaurant for dinner that your parents suggest and will be paying as a thank you to the park family, especially mr. park, for paying your school tuition for the past three years. you remembered when you went home the next day after staying the night, waking up on jongseong's bed in his arms after a night full of deep conversations, that you told your parents about the coincidence that is mr. park that paid for your scholarship is his dad. you remembered rubbing on dad's shoulder as he accidentally choked from the surprise while your mom covers her mouth from the combination of laughter and shock, followed by the three of you discussing how it happened and how the chances of it coming to be. in the end, you can never solve it logically, but you started to believe in fate because of it.
"we are very welcome to be able to help (y/n) with her education." mrs. park says as you are all seated in a fancy western restaurant in downtown seoul, you glance towards jongseong as you felt his hand holding yours beneath the table. the park's matriarch slowly puts her hand behind his shoulder to soothe the boy's upper back while looking between him, you, and your parents.
"my husband is also very proud of the two especially (y/n)'s influence on jay. we talked about it at breakfast about how jay has now been a more independent city-dweller and plays outside instead of in his room." mrs. park added as your eyes widen from the sudden tease.
"mom…" you giggled as your boyfriend replied and jokingly rolls his eyes at his mother’s teasing in front of your parents, making your parents smile once again from the dynamic.
"okay sorry, son. but, on another note, because of (y/n), my husband wants to sponsor scholarships again, with more quota this time or maybe for every year." you felt something bloom in your heart after what mrs. park said, how you wanted to pat yourself on your back as you did ask mr. park on why he only opened the initial scholarship for one person and isn’t opening for your juniors. his answer was doubtful as it was his first time opening something out of his comfort zone. hearing his wife say what she takes from his husband also means that the doubt he has vanished when he sees how a great job you are doing.
“that is great to hear. i’m glad that (y/n)’s process can be any of help in such a motivational action and in helping others.” your dad replied as mom nodded, the parents smile at each other as they took a few glances between you and jongseong before returning back to the abundance of food on the table.
"is the date confirmed for the farewell trip?" mom suddenly asks towards mrs. park, transitioning the conversation to talk about the said trip.
it has been a tradition in your school for the parent committee to arrange a farewell trip for the students of the third year after suneung results, knowing how wealthy they are and how they want their children to feel as refreshed as ever after a long battle. the trip is no different than what your seniors have as they went to jeju island and rent an entire resort just for six classes of around 25 students. you went to jeju once when you were a child and you met your old friend, the ocean, but the air is feeling a bit different. maybe because of the more variable reliefs of geographical setting there and a few diving women that you remembered your dad met and talked to.
you started to let your mind wander elsewhere to the electronic letter that you received days prior, a piece of happy news in regards to your studies. wanting to study classics and/or ancient history, your parents wanted you to study in universities that serve the best courses in those majors, which are mostly from outside of the country. so, by the start of the academic year, you and your parents have scoured online on what international universities are the best in the major that you wanted to pursue, mom arranging what your requirements are to register, and dad helping in tying all the financial loose ends so your family’s finance will mostly be used to support you. as you waited for the start of autumn, your days were full of tests and interviews in universities on the other side of the world. your hard work paid off when you earn an acceptance letter through your email from the UK, saying that one of the universities accepts you there—one of the best in the world too. you jumped and cried as your parents enter your room, hugging and crying too at how amazing you are for facing such a rigorous process while you reminded them of the strategies all three of you have created to face it.
and yet, jongseong doesn’t know any of it. as much as you want to, you don’t want to stress him out as he is also going through a hustle to enter university. the topic is really heavy for kids your age that you didn’t mind if people never talk about it with you. is it a sin to be selfish about information relating to you and your future education when for the past three years you have been treated lowly by your peers? surprising them is a factor you didn’t think about when you made the initial plan, but you want them to know that you can thrive no matter how many people have ridiculed you. yet now, you worry about your future. your future with jongseong, because of that selfishness and how his openness to people around him that is going to be a disadvantage to you.
following the girl that has been your seatmate for more than one year and six months, you walk through the hallways of gimpo airport carrying your backpack and a duffel bag to the crowd that, you recognized by their faces as your classmates. suyeon wraps her arms on your shoulder as one of the parents that supervise your class helps to collect the bags to be checked in. seeing the abundance of suitcases compare to your carry bags makes you giggle internally. as many years have passed for you to adapt to their environment, you always have a different color that makes you stick out like a sore thumb. looking across the crowd, you see jongseong smirk as jaeyun taps his shoulder before looking away from you.
"you packed your shorts, right?" she gently says into your ear as you furrowed your eyebrows while shaking your head in disgust.
"it's almost winter. the sea is going to be too cold and you’ll be bombarded by the wind," you replied with a slight pout on your face from the imagination of it all. your friend burst out in her light laughter as she nods her head in agreement.
"i actually didn’t bring shorts. i don’t want to freeze myself no matter what happened," she replies as you heard the crowd that you’re going inside the security checks and the plane’s gate as the plane is departing soon.
pulling out the newest book you currently read as you sit in the seats of the airplane, you glance at the window beside suyeon who is bopping her head to your shared earbuds as the plane is rising up into the sky. the buildings and land getting smaller and farther as it reaches the level of white clouds, leaning your head against the cushion of the seat behind it. you look beside you to the seat across the aisle, peeking at jongseong that is sleeping on jaeyun's shoulder. jaeyun seems to notice you looking at them as he smirks while gesturing you to snap a photo of them, which make you chuckle and comply. it reminds you of that trip to the aquarium a year ago and how it changes both of your lives, how instead of the empty seats that you two respectively had back on that trip, it is now filled with your friends.
after an hour or so later, you step out of the plane to meet jeju island's clearer air and the sun beams reflect on the ground where the aircraft parks. grabbing your duffel bag from the baggage claim, you all enter the buses that are going to bring you to the resort. the trees decorate each side of the road and you can see the sea a few meters behind one of its sides. it gets obscure as your eyes enlarged on the large building of the resort appearing in your vision. the resort looks like some tropical-themed villas you have come across through advertisements on the internet. it made sense though cause jeju just feels like a different region in and of itself.
you enter the rooms that you have been assigned to with the keycard that you were given by your class’ parent supervisor, a quaint two single beds with a view of the rolling waves that you can always recognize even from far away. you sat on the bed that you chose while continuing a few paragraphs on the chapter you’re reading as suyeon is opening her suitcase at her side.
"we don't have any fixed itineraries right? just that we can't go out of the resort bounds today and tomorrow we're gonna hike in the morning, lunch at a restaurant outside, and the party tomorrow night?" she asked as you hummed while the phone on your bed vibrates, seeing jongseong's notification on the lock screen.
"what are you going to do today?"
checking the time on the clock on the corner of the screen, it is currently around the afternoon. your head perks up to look at suyeon pulling out the outfits that she'll be using and a mini ironing set so she can remove the creases late when she needs to.
"after we tidy up our luggage, do you want to eat a late lunch and then head to the beach?" you suggest to her and she immediately replies with a huge "yes" which you then relay to jongseong and then to the group chat.
you have never worn such a loose sweater and tight jeans before in your academic career, so you try gently stretch the ends of your sweater with your hands but it doesn't work, and it makes you sulk by the pathetic attempt as you walk to the restaurant the four of you have chosen. you see jongseong and jaeyun sitting on seats whilst reading the menu, jaeyun looks like he is video calling someone from his phone as you walk closer, recognizing the sound of sunghoon's voice. you bit your lips as you gently tap your boyfriend's shoulder which makes him turn his body, glancing at you then at your best friend before you both sit down across from them.
never have your social interaction felt so free as you talk with four of your friends, sunghoon yawning on the screen as a result of the different timezones making you all laugh. the five of us talks about all sort of stuff as sunghoon tells his tale of training for the competitions he's going to face and all of you tell your struggles of doing suneung, which made you tell them about your condition as someone living in the suburbs and how you don't go to a hagwon so the context for your case is clearer, jongseong adding a few things up for support. you see suyeon's shocked face as you told her everything you have hidden from her, how you don't live in seoul, how you don't go to school by car and instead use a train, how that picture of the sea you took was from the beach in your hometown.
"then whose car is parked near you when you came to my house and gave me the aquarium souvenir?" she genuinely asked as your lips formed a tight lip smile since the other three’s reaction to what you said.
you sigh as you answered truthfully, "jay's."
"aww, (y/n)." she opens your arms so you lean in and let her envelop your body. her muffled voice saying sorry multiple times if she ever hurt you in somewhere shape or form is coherent from your shoulder. you cooed as you see tears falling from the corner of her eyes from the amount of guilt that she suddenly gets hit with as you rub her tears before soothing her, making the three boys look at you two awkwardly before you gestured to them to continue eating.
your stomach was full when you find a sitting booth by the edge of the beach and the resort. the sky is slowly turning orange as you sit on the cushioned sit that surrounds a fire pit. you see a few other patrons of the resort on the beach, a few were playing beach volleyball while you see a few children making sandcastles. closing your eyes, you try to let go of all the clouded stress that has accumulated in your head, both as a result of your last year and the rest from high school that you haven’t let go of as it takes a much larger effort. however, that piece in your brain about your secret acceptance remains in place, even moving closer to a part of your brain that its neurons trying to purposely tell them. the words now starting to form on the tip of your tongue.
jaeyun sudden ice breaker didn’t help with your anxiousness. it is inevitable for the topic of universities and what you got and major in will be talked after suneung results are out two days ago. your prediction was right that you only got around 3/4 from the perfect score, an impressive result coming from someone that crams the topics being tested. your mood getting sulkier than before as you sit on the cushion between jongseong beside you and the roaring sound of the rushing sea water, looking down on your sandy shoes as the three converse a conversation you expected but are not ready to talk about.
"i got into civil engineering at the university of new south wales." jaeyun said, basically confirming he'll be in australia for his studies. a sentiment he has talked to you about on how he misses australia and brisbane in general.
"hagwon did me proud in suneung. psychology in korea university." suyeon puts her fist up in the air as you remembered her texting you her reaction to getting into a SKY university, nonetheless. a picture that she sends of half of her face and bloodshot eyes from crying is something you won’t ever forget.
"i still don't know. looking at the options first and i have a few results i haven't received yet." jongseong said before they all finally landed their eyes on you. as you sit on the soft cushion, you felt shivers running down your spine not caused by the flowing wind. you try to rewire your brain to be positive. 'it is happy news. your friends will be happy. he will be happy.' yet, doubt has always come in at the very end.
"classics and oriental studies in oxford," you whispered as you look at the grain of sand surrounding your shoes, a large oval is made with your feet in the middle when your attention suddenly breaks from suyeon's gasp of realization.
"you're hiding that you got into oxford from us?" suyeon said as loud as you four can hear, standing up from her seat to walk to you where she wraps her arms around, yet you didn't react. you didn't want to look up from the sand as you don't want to see how jongseong looked. is he disappointed that you didn't tell him any of your process in going there? you didn't feel his familiar touch when another pair of arms draped around you as you were still seated, hands straighten beside your body as your gaze looks at the fire woods in the fire pit.
slowly, you felt something climbing up your stomach and esophagus. covering your mouth as you don't want your lunch to get out before excusing yourself, standing up on the sand, and feeling something holding your wrist before you go. finally turning around to face your boy you scared you disappoint the most. and you did, cause you see a frown on his face and it causes your eyes to burn, wanting to let the tears out.
"follow me if you want to know everything." you gently pulled your arm away and wrapped your hands around your body as you get away as fast as you can. jay didn't even shiver from the sudden blow of the wind hitting his skin as he looks at you getting away further and further along the beach, turning around to see his friends in a pregnant silence from what happened. he shook his head as they confirmed that he also didn't know you got accepted in the university of oxford. he felt as if a pocket knife is stabbed on his back, small but lethal enough. do you not trust him enough to tell him your process? he can only sigh as he excuses himself from the two and takes a walk.
he can't help but feel doubt in his mind and heart about the relationship you have that you created for the past year and more. how the two of you treat each other equally and care for each other equally, sharing your trust with each other that he is willing to open more just so he can keep up with you, and you slowing down to live your life as a teenager with him. each step is getting faster as he observed the ball of light on the sky now visibly sinking down as the sky accommodates it.
his breath is taken away when he saw you in your element as you face the vast body of water near large boulders of rocks. the same image of you that got stuck in his head for the first time when the both of you visit the beach from the aquarium with a deep orange sky instead of blue. he can't help but admire you as he let the metaphorical pocket knife being pulled from his back and bandage with the view that is you and the sea. he observed how you stood the same way you did last year, near the shallow water enough that the wave crashing on the land touches the side of your shoes. he remembered how he jumped back because of it to then see you turn around and walk closer to comfort him, but he knows it is his time now as he walks nearer to the ocean to stand beside you.
your arms are still wrapped around your body as you gaze at the sun setting on the horizon. closing your eyes as you focus on the sound of the crashing wave and how your sense can feel it flow beneath your feet. the wind hitting your cheeks and lifting the ends of your sweater as you try to refresh your mind. but, it sticks back to jongseong's disappointed expression that you saw at a glance.
"i'm here." you heard the familiar voice from one of your ears, leaning your head down as you straighten your lips before slowly opening them and looking to the side. seeing your boy standing side by side as you can see the wave crashing on the land, making his shoes wet too. and he doesn't care as he continues to say, "so, oxford huh?"
you let out a sigh as you nodded, your guts consuming yourself slowly as you wanted to look away. but, you can't, not at him. you lick your lips as you added, "i'm not attending graduation either." truthfully speaking as you also attending a foundation course there before your own course starts after next summer.
you see him chuckle as he turns his body for you, veins showing on his arms as you see him clenching it into a fist. "do you want to know why i said what i said back there?" your eyes look back up to his face on how sad and furious he seems to look. you gestured with your open palms to him as you nibble your bottom lips. 'go ahead.'
"i wait because of you," he said loudly to fight the sound of the wind and chirping birds flying from the sky. you can hear the grit in his voice from how he spoke. gulping your saliva, you pouted your lips as the only thing in your mind is words of 'please forgive me'.
"i wait because i wanted to go and have a future with you, both of us. going to the same school or living in the same city." he gritted his teeth as he walks closer to you. you shook your head as you can't take it back what you said and what is—in the end—your choice. you suddenly realized just how your selfishness is now affecting people around you. in your mind, the good didn't outweigh the bad but you didn’t see it from another person’s shoes.
"i'm sorry…" those were the only words you can say, not wanting to step closer to him, not wanting to break his boundaries that you can see are starting to build up because of you.
"i was thinking you’ll be staying here when you said you’re gonna test for suneung. the farthest i apply to is the US both on the west and east coasts so i didn't apply to any universities in the UK, not even europe." he frustratedly said as you heard him groan out at the sea and the sun sinking down beside you, the circle of the sun creating limelight on the two of you as it feels like you two are in a bubble from the outside world.
"i just…" you heard him take a breath before letting it go immediately. "i feel selfish for even thinking-"
"no, you're not selfish. i'm the one that's being selfish here. i didn't even tell any of you other than my parents about my acceptance." you blurted as you let out your own frustration, probably the longest set of sentences that you have spoken to him without pauses.
“i just want to show the people that ridicule me that i can do it. that’s why i did it.” gulping your saliva down, wet tears are dropping down on your cheeks. you sniffle your nose as the wind blows against your face letting the tears trail away and being thrown away before you got rid of them yourself.
“that’s why i hid it from you and it was stupid of me to not even consider what you’re going to think about it.” the dam that is the filter between what you think and what you speak is bursting as you don’t hide any of your thoughts to him. slowly accepting the consequences of your actions and how it affects him. using your sleeves to wipe the remaining tears that are currently flowing down your face, you hear sniffling coming from beside you.
"i just… i can't live without you, (y/n)." he let out as he sighs before rubbing his nose from the itch that comes from the sniffles. you pouted as you took steps towards him, feet felt heavier from the wet sand.
"hey, yes, you can." you walk closer to him, but you just can't stay too close. yet, he wants to as he moves forward, lifting your sleeve-covered hands and placing them in their place on his cheeks as you unconsciously rub his cheekbones, realizing how watery his eyes have been and how it seems to reflect yours from how clear you can see your face from his pupils.
"for the 18 years you have lived,” you clear your throat whilst collecting the words, “i've only been there for around one and a half years, jongseong," you spoke your mind logically as you thread out all the consequences that are now being revealed inside it. that you’ll be leaving him even though he wanted you to stay: with him.
"best one and a half years of my life." he impulsively commented as he then coughs, you shook your head to tell him to not make this harder for you.
"this is the consequences that i bear. that you were the collateral damage of." you kissed the corner of his mouth as you rested your forehead on his. closing your eyes as you can't look in his eyes as you don’t want to feel the pain that clenches your heart again. holding his head in place with yours as his breathing calms from a sporadic pattern, following your relaxed ones.
"we can survive four more years without each other, apart timezones and kilometers away," you whispered so he can only hear. when he said how he wanted to have a future with you, your heartbeat got faster as it beats the blood around your body as a message to your neurons, that you know you felt the same. you let go of one of his cheeks to grab his hand and opens its palm, placing it on your beating heart.
"you have to know that i am only yours and i can see a future for us. we can do anything, schedule any video calls if you miss me, share what kinds of food we’re having for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, share each other’s song recommendations, and much much more" your sporadic answer as you lean back makes jongseong chuckle. you felt his other hand reaching and caressing your cheek with his knuckles, instinctively leaning in against it as you peek from the corner of your eyes at how the sun is already half sinking into the horizon. you see him move his head while biting his lips before he looks at you.
"i love you," he whispered and you paused.
love. it is the strongest choice of word that you have ever learned. if you love to do things, it tells you how devoted you are to do it. if you love something, it tells you how loyal you are to it. if you love someone, it tells you how you want them to be in your life. and it finally clicks in your mind, that feeling you felt when he visited your town that summer, how you spent your days listening to the combination of music and nature while staying silent right beside each other. how you kiss his cheek goodbye when you brought him to the train station in the pouring rain.
that is love and the seed has been growing for the past year since it was planted. cared for by the amount of time you stayed on his side and felt like your body and soul were in such peace. the number of kisses you and him unconsciously do when you two are officially dating. the amount of happiness you felt is also reflected when you see from his eyes.
"i love you too," you replied as he leans closer and give you a kiss, a soft yet passionate one that kick-started the ability for you to make it to the next for years where you won’t be with him all the time.
"let's make the rest of our trip worth it for the next four years, okay?" you mumbled in front of his lips before wrapping your arms around his neck and giving the same amount of emotions he gave to you back at him. your body stumbles as you felt the water moving beneath you, jongseong’s hand moves to your waist to hold you gently as you giggle, rubbing away each other’s tears and look into your mirrored bloodshot eyes and puffy nose.
giving one last peck on his lips, you grip his hands as you walk back to the resort that is now lit up with a dark purple backdrop of the sky behind it. you both looking to the horizon to see the tip of the circle is the only visible part of the sun, saying goodbye to you as it says hello on the other side of the world. the others were waving towards you when they see you two approaching, the fire pit now lit up as suyeon was making s’mores while jaeyun helps to roast them. jongseong’s hand that was holding yours moves to let his arm hold onto yours as you both sit on the cushion you were sitting on before. jongseong let out a huge sigh as you felt him leaning his head on your shoulder while suyeon gives you two sheets of tissue, pointing at her eyes and nose as you nod your head before using them and giving some to jongseong.
both of you mostly stayed quiet the entire night, the dancing flames reflects their illumination into your eyes. you shared your s’mores with jongseong as you can see he is slowly thawing but you don’t want to pursue more to let him think and accept your choice. jaeyun then starts to talk to you about how is your process where you told everything, your mindset, your strategies, and what you faced, and exchanged information with jaeyun about tips for living abroad, for you that is living alone. the night comes to an end when the wood is all burned and all of you go back into your rooms, you give jongseong’s hand a squeeze as suyeon drags you back to your room, turning your back on a boy now with a gentle smile on his face.
the hike at hallasan national park the next morning was beautiful. you and suyeon stayed back in your crowd as you both just admired the view nature has made while taking photos with your phone to remember. jaeyun and jongseong that were a few people in front of you and suyeon suddenly turn back when he suggests that all of you should take a picture together. suyeon quickly opens her phone and sets it up on your backpack that is on the ground, not getting the best angle of the park itself but your face looks nice to look as she presses her button while you and she are crouching side by side. the boys standing behind you as they lean down to pose for the camera, feeling jongseong’s hand on your shoulders as she takes the last picture before grabbing all your belongings and running to your crowd.
in the evening, you’re straightening the high-neck navy chiffon dress you have to wear for tonight’s final night of the trip which is the farewell party, resembling the waters of the ocean of your hometown as one of mom’s seamstress’ friend in the town helps in making. suyeon’s heavy makeup on your face makes you look like a whole person as she steps beside you wearing a spaghetti strap silver dress that accentuates the shape of her body. you picked up and put on the white blazer that you brought on your bed because of your lack of confidence in your body to cover it up if needed, and your pockets for all your important belongings. walking down the hallway in the white sneakers you have used since you arrived—as you have observed a trend of using sneakers with dress recently, you stepped into the hall that is rented for the night with suyeon holding arms with you. seeing the elegant silver-and-purple-themed decorations and the buffet served on the side with tables in the middle and a dance floor at the front.
suyeon and you were the centers of attention when you both walk inside, a few of your peers staring too long at you both when you caught them, making them flustered and turning their heads away from other than a few people that don’t which are the people you recognized has been nice to the of you. that’s when your eyes landed on jongseong across from you, wearing a simple white shirt, a pair of suit pants, and an adoring gaze in his eyes. he walks to you as you are to him, with jaeyun walking behind him as he poses some ridiculous expression on his face to make you and suyeon laugh. your hands were intertwine with each other in front of you, swaying your body as you see him taking in your outfit for the night.
“dress and sneakers?” he squints his eyes at you.
“you know i have a hatred for high heels…” you lean closer to whisper to him as his hand caresses yours.
“and the blazer?”
you lean back but stay close as your hand opens the other side of the blazer, letting him see the shoulder and the junction between it and your neck where the straps of your dress rested. “also useful if i ever get cold.” you added.
“you know you can just cuddle up to me, right?” jongseong puts his arm around your waist as you pat his chest from the sudden closeness. you rolled your eyes before giving him a peck on the cheek.
“or i can just get warm from the food that we’re having tonight.” you boop his nose before pulling him to the sit that jaeyun and suyeon have found and seated, which are yedam and jisung and their respective significant others. jongseong’s simmering jealousy for jisung to be glancing at you has subsided when you found out he’s now dating one of your classmates. you remembered that significant actions as you hear how he sighs at the appearance of the couple where you two arrived in the class. from what you observed since the three of them are leaders in your year’s student council, jongseong—who once was mad that he didn’t get the president’s seat—now has created a camaraderie with yedam and jisung, even after their period ended they still hung out a few times per month as he sometimes tells you about it.
walking in the line of teenagers waiting for food with its share of shenanigans and putting them down on the table as you hear your stomach rumbling, suyeon asks the four of you to take a picture at the empty photo booth on the other side of the buffet. you pull off your blazers and put them on your chairs as suyeon tells the others there to help keep an eye out on it. jongseong seemingly can’t help to put his arm around your waist as the four of you walk to the set, pressing a kiss on your bare shoulder that makes goosebumps form on your arms. you approach jaeyun as he is video calling sunghoon on his phone, greeting him when you see his sleepy face on the screen. it was your crowd’s turn to take a photo where all of you stood in front of the white backdrop. staring at the reflection of the four of you with sunghoon smiling from jaeyun’s screen as the pictures are taken.
the four of you did it again and again as no people are behind you as they were too busy eating. you and suyeon lean against each other as if you’re posing for a spy movie poster; suyeon and jaeyun battle it out to try to get points from you and jongseong on who is the most ridiculously decorated from the available props; jaeyun making jongseong piggyback him, and the last is you and jongseong stood closer to the camera lens so the cameras capture half of your body from the chest and up with various expressions and you kissing his cheek.
after finishing the dinner, the dance floor suddenly lights up as your schoolmates are stepping on it and let the dj play the music, from the party anthem to the karaoke galore, everyone seems to have a good time. so, when it came to the slow music, you were lightly nudged onto the dance floor because of suyeon as she winks at you. you see a hand showing up in your vision as you followed it to jongseong with his signature smirk. you accept his hands and immediately put yours on his shoulder, his hand resting on your waist and hipbone.
“i didn’t get the chance to tell you how beautiful you are tonight.” jongseong tells you as you furrow your eyebrows at the comment before calming yourself down, seeing him trying not to smile too wide as you patted his chest near his heart with a small grin.
the song continues as you slow dance to the music, telling him how sneakers are a perfect choice for you as you don’t have to worry about your balance, earning a small chuckle from him before he rested his head on your shoulder, giving a kiss on the side of the neck as you hear him whisper.
“i’m going to miss you.”
you rub your hand on his nape, whispering “i’m going to miss you too.” in his ear.
he leans back and rested his forehead on yours, feeling your breath meeting each other as the darkness consumes the room in the right shade, obscuring the others but still able to see the person in front of you clearly. you let your mind wander about your future with him, what you two are going to do after graduating, where you two will live, and if he wants to do more like getting married or having kids. you realize that in each scenario you were thinking if you were to have a partner, no matter what happens, you can see jongseong standing by your side.
your lips form a pout from what you were thinking in your mind. you felt a thumb caressing it, realizing jongseong’s warm palm is resting on your cheeks as his thumb parts your lips. leaning closer, you capture his as you send him all of the might and love you have for him. his hand caressing your cheek gives you a signal that he is also sending the ones he has to you too. one of the nights from the nights you’re going to have with him for the rest of your life.
-
it's jay's 21st birthday when he awakes in a parisian hotel, feeling refreshed from the jet lag he got after flying from new york city across the atlantic ocean. he opened his phone to see the notifications coming from his parents from hours ago, his mom telling him they're inside the aircraft and will depart soon. he can see another number notification above his family's group chat, a chat coming from you confirming what cafe you will be meeting for today from an hour ago before replying again.
"i'm on the train. see you *heart emoji*"
jay jumps from his bed to his open suitcase where he packs clothes he only prepares for the five days he'll be in france between paris and nice. picking out the perfect outfit for the spring weather as he replies back to you to then prepares himself as best as he can, feeling the warm water relaxes his tense muscles. preparing him for the first time he ever sees you in person in three years.
he regretted not being there to send you off at the airport three years ago. knowing that he can wait for his acceptance letter to arrive on his email when he waits for your flight with you and your parents. but, back then in his mind, if he was there, it will be harder for him to let you go and he will be on such a roller coaster of a mess of emotions in a public space between you leaving and his letter. so, when he sees the letter from new york university's steinhardt arrived and sees that he got accepted, he immediately sends a text to you, not expecting you to reply as soon as possible with a small "congrats :D" that just makes his heart bloom even more because of you.
jay opens his leather messenger bag after sitting down on the outdoor terrace of the cafe you both agreed upon meeting. pulling out sheets of paper with scribbles of music theory notes and a business proposal on the other from the music business major he is in. after he becomes a part of the crew of the school festival—which his dad said the council has continued for each year ever since—he felt like that is his true calling: bringing joy in creating an event to bring together musicians in their differing popularity and genre so they can reach the mainstream media and succeed in their career. even though he always has music playing in at least one of his ears, he didn't bother to put on his wireless earbuds for today so that he can hear the sound of the bustling city, the traffic, the sound of grilling coming from inside, people talking as they walk past him on the pavement, waiting for the sound of your clear voice.
"Excusez-moi.¹⁴” someone voiced out behind him. thinking it might be one of the waitresses serving the food and beverage that he orders, he turns around to see a woman wearing a creme turtleneck and plaid dress pants, carrying a small bag with a cherry keychain dangling on it. as he looks up at her face, his eyes widen and his jaw dropped.
"Désolé de vous déranger. Êtes-vous M. Jay Park ?¹⁵” he stood up from his chair as soon as you jokingly ask to him in french, gripping onto your saddle bag's strap while pushing the bridge of the thin-framed glasses you are wearing. feeling his hands immediately cupping your cheeks, he leans in to kiss you hard as your hands hold onto his upper arm to stabilize yourself. tilting both of your heads to the side to get deeper as it has been a long time since you finally see him. as many times as you want to meet up face to face, your schedule always does not match up; when you went home he just arrived at new york; when he flies back, you were departing to the UK. so it is a rarity for you to even be able to see him with your eyes, even though it will only take half of the day.
you lean back and wrap your arms around his neck, hugging him close as your head is buried in the crook of his neck, feeling his hands move around your waist and rubbing your head. squeezing him as hard as you can with him following, you lean your body back when your hand reaches to caress his face, still not believing you are finally able to see your boyfriend for a long time.
"hi…" you mumbled as you pouted your lips, feeling him rubbing the expanse of your back.
"hi, love. come, sit." he gestured you to the seat across from his as you put your bag down on the table and sit down, fixing your glasses as you see the printed papers on the table with scribbles of handwriting you recognized as his. suddenly making you remember the homework that has its deadline in three days, you rub your sweaty palms against your pants and finally feel the tiredness of using your legs to get here as soon as possible. you took your breaths as jongseong sees from across from you, concern in his eyes.
"sorry… i…" you clear your throat. "i literally just arrived at Gare du Nord and i immediately run here." you gulped your saliva as you felt his hands on your hands that were helping to open up your lungs. "good thing you pick a cafe near here when i told you i'll be using a train from london," you added as he giggled.
"i miss you too. don't worry i was panicking too when i see your notification that you are on your way," he reassured you as he leans in closer to give a peck on your hands. you asked the waiter for the menu as they served jongseong's orders, reading out the scribbles and contents of jongseong's work as he eats his breakfast, stealing a few glances at him before you look down at the music sheet that you can read some of the symbols. when your order arrived, that's when he started to talk.
"how's oxford?" he starts as you give a small chuckle.
"well, it's fun but i, of course, have my fair share of challenges to face. some you know from the video calls we managed to squeeze in on our five-hour time difference." he giggles when you mention the time difference and ridiculous scheduling you have to prepare just for a video call. even though you were only across the pond from him, he can see how torturous it must be for you and him to talk knowing your differing lives in your respective cities. your chin points towards him to let him to talk, "same question."
"well, new york city is just a different breed of city, to be honest. i'm glad that you taught me to ride the seoul metro or i don't think i won't survive there as i mostly use it to travel to campus." he rambled as you give a light pat on his free hand while the other holds a cup of coffee.
"my main mode of transport is still the train and having prior knowledge in figuring out routes really does help with me navigating through the london tubes and king's cross," you said as you remember one of the first times you rode on the london tubes from your accommodation to where you learn your foundation course. the iconic red circle with the blue stripe right in the middle is now your association with london other than the eye or even buckingham palace.
as you both sit around while finishing your order, jongseong sipping his coffee slowly to wait for you. the sound coming from you as you open your bag and pull out something gets his attention. you nudge it on the table towards him as he read the contents on it, a louvre museum tickets for the two of you in the afternoon, a smile on your face as he looks up at you. "we don't have much time anyway since i have to go back but that's my gift to you," you said as you continue your food.
around noon, you walked out of the train station on your way to the museum, your hand held tight to his as you walk around the street of paris. you told him the reasons why you picked to bring him to louvre as it is a place you are very interested to go to if you ever visit paris. "and i want to impress you with what i studied back in uni." you added as he laughed, telling you all the work he has done in new york city.
"wait, so if you arrived at the cafe at 9:30, when did your train depart?" jongseong moves his hand from yours to wrap around your shoulders while you look down at the gps in your phone pointing you towards louvre.
"06:00 in the morning. but, i stayed at a friend's house in london before going though." you raised your shoulders as you told him the logistics of it all. how the previous day you travel from oxford to london and meet up with a friend of yours that you meet in your foundation course, who is studying in university college london, and put your baggage there so you only brought what you needed for your journey here like your passport.
you approach the hidden-looking entrance with the "Le Carrousel Du Louvre" written on it by the sidewalk. you whispered to jongseong about how you learned the entrance to the museum from the underground mall that leads to the same place where the people entering from the pyramid will arrive. as you hold arms with jongseong, you have entered the museum grounds while switching your map to the museum map you downloaded from the website.
"where do you want to go first?" you nudged your shoulder to his as he turns his head.
"up to you." he replied as he looks down at the map in your phone whilst you help scroll it around "since you want to impress me, we can go to Sully Wing at level 0 and start from there." he winks as you guide him to where escalators are underneath the glass pyramid.
you felt shivers running down your spine as you enter a room full of statues and sculptures of beings you studied as the greek and roman deities. seeing the statues of gods like dionysus, artemis—or diana if using the roman name— with her hand on a doe's tusk, and smaller sculptures. seeing it up close as you took all the details of such sculptors being able to create such masterpieces back in the renaissance and before.
"this is athena of velletri, goddess of war and wisdom." you mumbled as you look up at the massive statue of the goddess on top of the pedestal. "i hope you don't mind me talking," you whispered as you felt him leaning his head on your shoulder.
"no, i don't. i love hearing you talk about what you studied. like, you did fangirl in front of me back when you were reading your book when we hung out." your palm presses against his lips to stop him from talking as you dragged him away from the crowd. walking and viewing the other statutes like venus de milo.
you also brought him to the eastern art and sculptures as you have just started your oriental studies where you currently learning about egyptian and the middle east. seeing a literal sarcophagus from egypt and a mini sphinx where you told about the egyptian mythology and history you have learned. you can't help but squeal when you see a few mesopotamian sculptures but also fill your sadness and anger boiling when you know that both of the exhibitions you see were pretty much stolen from their parts of the world. you really wished you could bring them back to where they were picked up after you graduate and be a curator or any other career you can think of.
both of you approach the statue of the winged victory of samothrace after taking a glance at the mona lisa room that is full of people. "mona lisa isn't in my studies anyway," you pushed him away as jongseong's laugh almost echos on the hallway, muffled by the people staring and taking a picture at the woman who smiles.
"winged victory of samothrace. that is the body of nike, goddess of victory, on top of the bow of the boat. sad to see that they're not able to fully restore the statue." you let out a small frown as you looked up to the marble statue. looking down at your phone, you see the time has already passed 15:00. you lean in to whisper to jongseong that you're going to buy him an early dinner before pecking his cheek, immediately making him grab you away from the crowded halls.
"that was eye-opening," he commented after you both order your food. he loves and misses having deep conversations with you, especially about how passionate you are about learning the world's history and society through art. looking outside to the lights entering from the glass pyramid as he felt your thumb caressing his that you were holding. you, on the other hand, want to memorize how his hands feel as you're going to be away from each other for another year before facing the world together.
"we should go to each other's graduation next year. me to nyc, you to oxford," you spoke your proposal as he lifts his hands that are holding yours to his lips, giving both of yours a kiss on their backs, before nodding. you heard the one of your phone vibrating on the wooden table as you see jongseong's screen lights up, his mom texting him that they have arrived.
you use your chin to point to his as he reacts a grab it, tapping something on the screen before pausing. he straightened his sitting position and adjusts his phone in front of you, a smirk forming behind his phone. "i want to take a picture of you to send to my parents. to let them know that you're here with me." he explained as you silently agree and pose a warm smile to the camera.
as the main course is served while you were eating your escargot, you were having deep thoughts about your relationship with him. time hasn't been on both of your sides because of your studies and your part-time job at the campus cafe. but, none of the connections has been tampered any other way. conflicts do occur especially in regards to canceling scheduled video calls, but you both tried to resolve them as fast as you can. you both don't want to have the same fight as the one you have back on your farewell trip three years ago. so you both tried to be as open as possible, venting to each other about a bad day even though you know he might not even wake up on his side of the world. you just have to wait one more year and he's going to be by your side at any chance, maybe you follow him to stay in the US, he follow you to stay in the UK, or you both go back and live in seoul or some other small town or suburban city.
you lean your head on his shoulder as you stood in the car of the parisian metro, on your way to Gare du Nord for your train back to london, letting your hands grip the metal bar so you don't sway as much. moments like this make you remember your train rides back home after cafe crawling, creases forming on both of your uniforms from how much you move around. simple things like this are what you try to remember in this convoluted world. just let your eyes rest to admire the little things, pleasant and not, the world has given to you and other people.
"why can't you just stay here with me and my parents? we can go to nice together," he whines as you see him pout when steps out of the train and in transit to your platform. you hold his hand as you stop at the bridge you have to cross to go to your platform, cupping his cheeks as you give a peck on his pouty lips, pouting your own lips too.
"i literally spent around 400 € of my money for today from both my living costs and wages from my job. leave me be, boy." he laughs after your rambling, looking down at the cherry keychain dangling from your bag. "i brought my seashell collection with me too, yours included." you said as you look up at him and the lights turning on as the sun seems to want to say goodbye today. looking at the clock as it says 19:05 and a train enters into one of the platforms, you know you have to say a goodbye of your own.
you felt your eyes starting to burn from the realization as jongseong stared into you and right into your seoul. your emotions overwhelmed you even though you have trained yourself to not cry when you have to part ways. jongseong's forehead now leans against you as you sob quietly, letting your lips meet his right in the middle. the kiss gives sparks and motivation in your head as you know you can make it and also reassures him that you are going to be alright.
"text me when you arrived in london." jongseong mumbles as you give a tight lip smile before hugging him, resting your head on his shoulder.
"i love you so much and happy birthday," you speak into his ear before giving a kiss on the shell, feeling his hands rubbing your back and then wrapped around your waist so tight.
"i love you too." he whispered back as you soothe his nape before letting go of his body. "i almost forgot." you see him open his back to bring out a pack of three golden-foiled spheres that made you grin. jongseong opens the plastic wrapper and pulls one of them out to give to you. you can see the ferrero rocher logo written on top of it with the brown cup underneath it, holding it gently in your hand as you smile by yourself, stifling a laugh.
"thanks." you lean closer and give a small kiss on his lips as you walk to the pedestrian bridge behind him, looking onto the tracks below you as you open the gold foil of the chocolate.
jay finally turns around to see you almost nearing the end of the bridge, wanting to see you one last time, not knowing that you turn around to do the same. you raise the chocolate ball in your hand to show him and take a small bite of it, giving a small smirk as he put his hand where his heart is before turning away. connecting all the roads together from the start of your relationship.
and now you know, that for the farthest he is in your life, he is only a crossroad away.
translations
German / Deutsch
¹Guten Abend = Good Evening
²Was möchten Sie bestellen? = What would you like to order?
³Was empfehlen Sie? = What do you recommend?
⁴Ich persönlich empfehle unsere Eisschokolade und Latte = I personally recommend our Iced Chocolate and Latte
⁵Ich habe geholfen, den Geschmack selbst zu testen, und seitdem sind sie meine Lieblingsgetränke = I helped to test the flavor myself and they've been my favorite drinks ever since
⁶Auf Wiedersehen! = Goodbye!
Spanish / Español
⁷¿Lo has encontrado? = Have you found it?
⁸¿Puedo ayudarte? = Can I help you?
⁹¿Puedes hablar Español? = You can speak Spanish?
¹⁰Un poco… = A little..
¹¹Estamos tratando de encontrar la entrada a la montaña rusa = We are trying to find the entrance to the roller coaster
¹²¡Muchas gracias! = Thank you so much!
¹³De nada… = You're welcome...
French / Français
¹⁴Excusez-moi = excuse me
¹⁵Désolé de vous déranger. Êtes-vous M. Jay Park ? = sorry for bothering you. are you mr. jay park?
taglist: @bubblejunnies @meowchikatt @endzii23 @reallysmolrenjun @msxflower @fluffywoo @camipendragon @hiqhkey
can’t tag: @kayalayadayla @ricepill @enchantedrose
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#enhypen imagines#enhypen scenarios#enhypen angst#enhypen fluff#enhypen x reader#jay x reader#rsc: crossroads#cr: jay#cs: enhypen#sc: regina
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20 Questions for Writers
thank you so much to @wispstalk and @dirty-bosmer for tagging me!! <3
gonna tag @mareenavee @changelingsandothernonsense @thequeenofthewinter @skyrim-forever @trickstarbrave @oblivions-dawn @orfeoarte @gilgamish @totally-not-deacon @archangelsunited !! no pressure as always, and if i havent tagged you and you wanna do this, go ahead and say that i did, i'm tagging you in my mind <33
answering under the read more!
1. How many works do you have on AO3?
five atm! but i'm planning on splitting my one-shot-as-chapters fic into individual fics. i think i'll have around 11, then, if i don't take out some.
2. What's your total AO3 word count?
99,173
3. What fandoms do you write for?
TES and CoD Zombies! though i don't write a lot for CoD Zombies, just when i get in a certain mood for it here and there. old special interest wont grant me a moments peace lmao
4. What are your top five fics by kudos?
i only have five uploaded, but i'll put them here!
1. An Inner Sanctity - 41
2. If By Sun and Moon I Swore - 38
3. Cycle of the Serpent - 23
4. The Mark You Left - 15
5. Portraits Under Forgotten Suns - 2 (this is the one i'm gonna split up into their own fics :3)
5. Do you respond to comments?
yes!! i even carry on convos in the comments sometimes for the hell of it, i love interacting with ppl <33333333
6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?
i think the one-shot for the prompts "forgotten/devotion" for tesfest '23 about the shipwreck of the brinehammer, since the main character dies lmao
7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?
the one for the prompt "in bloom" from tesfest '23!! it was just a little fluff fic for my ocs athenath and ja'dato <3
8. Do you get hate on fics?
luckily no, the spaces i've found myself in these days are really positive :3 especially compared to when i wrote on FF.net in like 2009
9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?
none of it is published, but i do sometimes! it's a good way to flex my muscles (haha) in blending thought and action, balancing descriptors (how vivid is Too Much), and seeing how certain characters interact with each other in a vulnerable state. maybe i'll post some someday, idk. mostly i just do it for funsies, so idk what kind you'd classify any of mine.
10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?
i havent in many years, so no, but that could chance if the mood strikes me
11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?
nope, but when i was writing for a different fandom in high school, my writing for a particular character wound up on ppls RP accounts as their versions backstory, as well.
12. Have you ever had a fic translated?
no, but if anyone wants to translate my fics, feel free!! just give me a heads-up!
13. Have you ever co-written a fic?
yep, on my old ao3, a good friend and i turned an RP into a fic! i enjoyed it immensely bc we wrote really well together!
14. What's your all-time favorite ship?
idk, i just groove where the dynamics take me <3
15. What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?
i hate to say it, but An Inner Sanctity needs a major overhaul that i don't have the energy for right now. when i started writing that fic, i didn't have a solid grasp on athenath's personality. now that i do, i'm gonna need to rewrite all the chapters i've had ready for it, and pivot the direction of the fic to get it where i wanted it to wind up eventually. i really do want to finish it, though.
16. What are your writing strengths?
i get a lot of compliments on my imagery/descriptions/atmosphere! i love describing shit, so i'm glad ppl enjoy reading those bits of my work <3 oh!! and character/narrative details. i wrote a ~180k word fic in my senior year of high school solely off my mental notes for it, and it still wasnt finished when i dropped it a year or so later due to Circumstances
17. What are your writing weaknesses?
biting off WAAAAAAAY more than i can chew!! i have so, so many things planned for CotS and who knows if those things will get picked up on by folks or even work later down the line. GAHH
18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?
if you can realistically do it, go for it. if i could fluently speak all the languages i've tried to teach myself, i'd probably include them in fics where they would fit!
19. First fandom you wrote for?
naruto, i was writing naruto fics on a defunct dress-up site when i was a kid AHAH.
20. Favorite fic you've written?
Cycle of the Serpent. theres seldom a time i'm not thinking about those elves. yes, i will admit with my whole chest that i'm a tad desperate for people to read it and interact with it, but i think if i could explain everything (without spoiling it obviously) i have planned for this fic and just how much is going on in the background of the details i throw in, the reasons certain characters behave the way they do, and the amount of time i've spent working on it (the doc for it is at roughly ~96k and we're not even at the Real beginning of the solitude arc) and the sheer amount of hours i've spent making sure details line up, you'd understand why i'm losing all my sanity daniel-amnesia-the-dark-descent style over this story. i started writing it as a for fun "no one's ever gonna see this" exercise that also helped me greatly in recovering from long covid brainfog, and i think even if one day i look back and think of it as "not the best thing i've ever written", it'll still be one of the most passion-driven things i've ever written, and i'm happy about that. <3
woof, what a ramble. if you made it to the end of this, thank you, and i hope you're having a good day!!
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plot heavy codywan fic rec
I have so many words to say about this fic so let’s start by getting to the main points ;
https://archiveofourown.org/works/38064841
Rasphody in Blue by @kckenobi (88k words) is one hell of a fic that I will recommend until the day I wither and die. If you’re looking for a modern setting au with investigations, crime, orchestras, jazz, a very well-paced story, betrayal, angst, themes of loneliness and grief, found-family, look no further!! No really! Gods, go read it, right now, I BEG YOU. I cannot fathom how it doesn’t have more kudos than it already has.
Now onto a more chaotic review of me dumping my thoughts on it in a random order directed at the author. I should’ve left it as a comment really, but now I’ve written it here it’s too late, oh well. Read, don’t read, it doesn’t contain any major spoilers, but if you’d rather have less information of the fic and go into it blind, then maybe don’t read it haha
- Firstly, GODS, the plot hooks. From the first chapter I was on the edge of my metaphorical seat. (I was in my bed.) Seriously, the plot hooks are so well placed I could not put it down. (I finished it at 2am. I didn’t even go to my class this morning I was too tired. But that’s on me. It is as much a demonstration of how captivating the story is as it is of my poor decision making.) The pace was so wonderful, seriously. I always picture a movie in my head when I read something, and with your writing it was so easy to do so, the perfect balance of dialogue, introspection, descriptions! Argh!
- How you wrote loneliness. (’you’ meaning the author, if you’re reading this.) Okay to be fair those themes get to me, they always have, but let me tell you, I was bawling. I had to put down the fic because my eyes were too blurry to read. You bastard. I hate you but I love you. Arghdvjfd. The part that went
“The thing about loneliness is that in the end, it is a more loyal companion than anyone else has ever been. It becomes a shell you settle into, something familiar. Not a home, no longer a prison either. But a skin, something you reside within without really thinking about it, a barricade that walls off your heart from the rest of the world”
Do you live in my head??!!! You got it exactly right. You little shit I had to sit out the fic for two minutes it stole the breath outta me!! I cried!! Again!! Are you okay?? Because I sure am not!!
From the first few sentences I was in love with the whole orchestra setting. Oh my gods. All of it is so perfectly woven with the characters. (Cellist Obi-wan is now one of my all time favorite Obi-wans. It’s just so perfect.) I can just imagine all of the scene translated into a movie/tv show with one of those scenes where the classical music, shots of the character playing their instrument and shots of the dramatic action are superposed. So wonderful. I am also weak for the whole ‘your passion is there for you no matter how bad things get’. And how music was always there no matter all the GUT WRENCHING TERRIBLE ANGSTY SHIT Obi-wan goes through. Can relate to that.
#fic rec#star wars fic rec#star wars#fanfic#codywan#codywan fic#please read it#i'm begging you#i need to know i'm not the only one being emotionally destroyed by this fic#i will drag all of you with me in the angst spiral
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20 questions for fic writers
tagged by @captain-hen @anxieteandbiscuits @lemonzestywrites @forthewolves @king-buckley @hippolotamus @watchyourbuck @shitouttabuck @lover-of-mine @thewolvesof1998 @heartshapedvows @jesuisici33 @hoodie-buck @wikiangela @monsterrae1 @exhuastedpigeon
thank you all! sorry it took me so long to do this <3
1. How many works do you have on AO3?
13
2. What's your total AO3 word count?
582,638
3. What fandoms do you write for?
only 911 at first but now i have a fringe fic and a wolfsong fic in the works
4. What are your top five fics by kudos?
there's always been a rainbow hangin' over your head (eddie comes out to buck and to be supportive buck buys eddie a very gay mug)
today i live for a single drop of you (5 times buck dreams about sucking eddie's cock and 1 time he actually gets to do it)
when the violence causes silence (set after 6x10, eddie dealing with the aftermath of the lightning strike and working out how to confess his feelings)
we live and breathe words (buck finds eddie's poetry and realizes eddie is in love with him and decides to do something about it)
slowly getting sober from the taste of your skin (pwp, threesome between buck, eddie, and evil doctor buck)
5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?
i do! at least, i do my best, i know sometimes i get the notification and look away and completely forget asdfghjkll, but i love responding and weeping about my gratitude
6. What is a fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?
ummm all of my fics have happy endings sooooo i don't have an answer for this
7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?
ummm maybe red life might stream again because eddie and buck went through a lot of shit in that fic so i made it my mission to give them the happiest and sappiest ending possible
8. Do you get hate on fics?
i have been very lucky in that i haven't
9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?
oh yes i do. and i suppose it's very emotional and sappy smut. i do try to balance filthy and sweet
10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?
never written one
11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?
not to me knowledge
12. Have you ever had a fic translated?
nope
13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?
me and @elvensorceress started writing a s2 rewrite where shannon lives that i absolutely adore, it's taken a bit of a backburner but it lives forever in my heart. also me and @spaceprincessem plan on writing one that im sure will be so very self-indulgent
14. What's your all time favorite ship?
gotta be buddie (though polivia from fringe is a close second)
15. What's a wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will?
im not sure. i plan on getting all of my wips done at some point and i don't really think there is one that i won't (at least not at this point)
16. What are your writing strengths?
descriptions i think. i can paint a pretty picture and definitely have flowery purple prose. and a lot of people have told me i am good at characterization which i always worry about but am glad to hear that's it's something im good at even if i doubt it
17. What are your writing weaknesses?
i cannot shut up. everything i write is so lengthy even when it doesn't need to be. being succinct definitely isn't my strong suit. and uhh i struggle with writing dialogue because i will get lost in the character's headspace and forget people are supposed to be talking
18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?
i absolutely love it though i don't do it often because i get nervous about it. thankfully i have friends that i can ask if i am unsure about something and im trying to get more comfortable doing it
19. First fandom you wrote for?
supernatural
20. Favourite fic you've written?
gotta be to you i'm just a man (to me you're all i am) because i put my heart and soul into that fic and i really loved delving into the 118's dynamic and everyone's relationship with buck and creating new circumstances for eddie and buck to fall in love
no pressure tagging (and sorry if you've already been tagged) @elvensorceress @spaceprincessem @bvckandeddie @colonoscopys @housewifebuck @prettyboybuckley @rogerzsteven @paranoidbean @911onabc @honestlydarkprincess @bigfootsmom @try-set-me-on-fire @bucks118 @devirnis @giddyupbuck @disasterbuckdiaz @transboybuckley @rewritetheending @eddiediaztho @callaplums
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