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smimon · 3 months

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The other promised personal post, this one about my self-discovery that I completed last year and in the result gained a weirdly powerful feel, like when Eragon found his true name if you know what I mean

Three main paths: art, brain training, isolation.

1. Art

Art was something I always loved, of course all kids do art but I never stopped. I kept making up characters and settings and stories and theme songs and game designs. I did my first zine at like 6 years old lol.

Living in capitalism meant that the most attractive stories were beyond my reach for financial reasons, so out of disappointment I decided to start telling my own stories, as if that was hard. This was all very early in my life and I believe I was always meant to be an artist and storyteller, and the skills I gained only helped me later.

Like when things started to get more difficult around middle school. When family started demanding and gave nothing back anymore. When the only protector I had left me alone to pursue a career, repeating that if they can handle it, I can too - but I was still a child.

When it was forbidden to talk, feel and hurt, I kept creating. Losing myself in fiction, which years later turned out to be much less fictional than it seemed. Most of my writing was about myself this whole time. I was scared someone might find out so I concealed the message so deep that I alone couldn't see it anymore.

And new stories kept coming, I kept drawing, the XP I gained brought improvement. Never completing anything but always creating something new, finding endless joy in rotating the blorbos in my head. And this continues until today.

Many many times I had doubts if it's all worth anything, a devil telling me I should drop art. And always some inner force pushing me back to the drawing desk. So many times I had to ask myself the question: why do I keep making art? And finally, very recently, I have found the answer.

I am an artist. Artists make art. It's that simple.

2. Brain training

Similar to other body parts, brain can be trained. Solving puzzles, finding patterns, learning, math, there are many ways.

For me it was trying to understand my family.

Recognizing patterns level hard. Predicting what will happen. Inventing ways to protect myself. Teaching myself to do things no one would explain to me but everyone demanded me to know.

School was easy compared to this. Studying gave results in a short term, sometimes it was even fun. Teachers noticed and behaved as if it was their success. Other kids' parents noticed and started bullying their children to get the same results, because if I can do it, why can't they? They were not abusive enough to trigger a similar mechanism, but abusive enough to make their children hate me.

But I haven't noticed. I had a few friends and did not even notice everyone else was against me. This was my elementary and middle school, and then at high school the level was much more even so I could be more invisible.

All the time I tried to figure out my family, and they kept surprising me. All the time I could get good grades, and felt like this is the only thing I am good at.

But as Master's degree approached, I had to accept this can't continue forever, that I am not smart enough to get a PhD. That after graduating I will have to start a job, live a normal life, do things I never learned. I was sure I will die within months, but hey, it's been years already and it only gets easier!

My true victory came just a few years after. I have finally realized there is no way to understand my family because they are simply irrational.

That's it! I am free now! High-fiving all the mathematicians who proved a problem to be unsolvable because hey, that's an accomplishment too!!!

3. Isolation

Introverted by nature, I don't like to spend too much time with people, especially the same people over and over again. Especially my family. Three days is my limit.

And I was tied to them all my life. So when I finally moved out, the sudden experience of freedom overwhelmed me. I did not want to give it away until I get saturated with how good it feels to be alone. Also, gaining distance feom my abusers allowed healing to start. But before that, long hours of remembering and understanding and grieving. Gaining courage to finally meet myself, discover who I am. Forget who I was supposed to be. A journey of self-discovery that brought peace and hope and skill and confidence.

But I am still human. Humans are social animals. I need some contact every now or then or I go insane.

For a few years, I used pokemon go. Going to raid hour every week. But everyone was busy playing so the contact was very shallow.

I started going to fandom conventions trying to relive the same kind of wonder I felt as a teenager. It is different this time, of course. I got used to the fun parts. Nothing seems as impressive as earlier. But even then, I felt like this is my place, and my kind if people. I only needed a way to connect.

Then Käärijä happened, of course. Suddenly I had a thought: the biggest fandom convention in the country doesn't have much to offer for me, but maybe I can do something crazy, maybe I can make this event a bit more me-friendly. I returned to fb after years of break to ask on groups if there are any Käärijä fans willing to meet up.

And they were. It only gets crazier from there.

I started talking to some of them. One suggested a Frank fanclub because we all had some Frank gadgets. I designed a sticker. I designed another one. I organized three meetups, day after day. People came. I made friends. A group chat was founded. Was it me who did it?

Then another crazy idea. Make more stickers. Repeat this at other conventions. And so my convention tour started. With many many stickers.

And then I start a daily Käärijä sketchbook. And then I find friends through the stickers. And then I find friends throught the art. And then the friends warm my heart and break it open and put a foot inside so it doesn't close back too soon.

And I realize I am not alone.

Okay?

So I am an artist, I stubbornly forced my way through my early years and ended up with a pretty cool job, and now I get just enough money and independence to decide how to spend time with people who are in general pretty amazing after all ✌️ still no idea what I want next but I am really happy I made it to here

#diary post #vent post #yeah it's. it's all connected #my biggest accomplishment is figuring it all out #truth does hurt but in the end gives freedom #semira origin story

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deadmomjokes · 2 years

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PSA: tomatoes are not spicy. Tomatoes and tomato products should not be spicy. Pizza sauce isn't inherently spicy. Tomato-based pasta sauce is not spicy. Ketchup is NOT spicy.

If tomatoes are spicy, you have an allergy to tomatoes.

This announcement brought to you by my almost 29-year-old husband learning for the first time in his 2.8 decades of putting food products into his mouth that spaghetti and saucy pizza aren't spicy foods

#his amazement at our daughter eating spaghetti willingly #when apparently he's been suffering in silence over there his whole life #and i'm like ????#and he's like ''you didn't make this spicy?''#NO #NO I DID NOT #and he just blue screens for a minute #and i'm like YOU THINK SPAGHETTI IS SPICY???#and he's all ''yeah that's why i prefer we don't have it very often''#the absolute SHOCK i tell you #turns out he hates ketchup because it's spicy and he never understood why people wanted to dip fries in spicy sauce #i was like ''DUDE ketchup is supposed to be sweet and maybe a touch tangy but also cool and refreshing''#and he's like ''SWEET?????''#so uh yeah turns out dude's allergic to tomatoes and he just assumed everyone had a way higher spice tolerance than him #cuz he can find ''non spicy'' food too hot #and it's just all tomato based stuff and we never thought to connect the dots #mild salsa? too spicy. IT'S THE TOMATOES.#tacos? too spicy even at baby heat levels. IT'S THE TOMATOES.#prefers alfredo to marinara despite alfredo having objectively more pepper in it than marinara #he thought his spice tolerance was just so wimpy that my 'normal' was too spicy for him #so he's just been dealing with 1-3 meals a week being spicy to him our entire marriage WITHOUT SAYING A WORD #because he didn't want to offend me with his wimpy palate #IT'S THE TOMATOES #it's always been the gosh darn tomatoes

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theoldkyokodied · 1 year

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One wedding and three funerals

Background paintings under the cut

#tomgreg #succession #tom wambsgans #greg hirsch #shiv roy #roman roy #kendall roy #yeah no im not tagging everyone thats too much #this is me going 'how much implications themes and symbolism can i fit in one painting'#yes i gave rose shivs haircolor. if we ever find out how she looks like and its not like this im just gonna pass away i guess #but yeah i hope yall connect the dots #i put waaay too much thought and work into this. i was googling pictures of all the actors as kids just for reference (sigh)#honestly kinda wanted to make tom and greg link pinkies as like. a pinkie promise. but that was too hard to draw in this angle #at least not without obstructing the view of the ring which is important to see so ya #my fave is actually the tomshiv wedding pic i went off with that. i love them... they should have run away to become sheep farmers fr fr #anyway im so glad im done with this UGH!! finally i can draw smth else without being like oh noooo i need to finish this #i see a lot of you wondering why there is no portrait of logan but one of ewan #it's bc the placement of the painting represent their standing. logans portray would not hang next to the stairs #his present portrait hangs at the end of it. all the way up at the top. alone and withering away #basically the picture you see underneath ewan to the right? its where toms parents would be. the right side of the wall is tom and gregs #and the left one is the roy siblings theirs. since they grew up rich rich. and tom and greg didn't #but ya thats why ewan hangs here and logan does not :)

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beybuniki · 10 days

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they should go on a fishing trip pt.1

#DONT COMMENT ON THE BACKGROUND I KNOWWWWWWWWWWWW #anyway this is day 1. they take a bus. the bakugo household has fishing gear so ´deku is wearing bakugo's onesoe (?) and bakugo is wearing #his dad's. and notices he has grown :')#anyway they take a BUS and don't feel like doing this at all it's awkward for so many reason #also trying to relax after everything is neurologically just really hard they might be hyperivgilant dik #and there's so much they never got to unpack bnut they have to and they have to start somewhere and with someone #deku makes that flower crown while bakugo preps everything and they both look at it and are thrown back into their childhood 🧍‍♀️🧍‍♀️🧍‍♀️#and at first they just sit and wait for the bavarian fish to bite (rody should make a cameo tbh) but then bakugo breaks the iceeee.#and he starts with their moms because their moms have been such a stubbron connection between these two :')#and deku answers with the usual 'good :) how's your mom :)?' and to everyone's surprise he actually opens up #and tells deku about his mom's insomnia because she watched her son die (that shit was live streamed tpo 10 bnha tweets btw)#idk i love to think of their moms being a very easy subject to connect through i think it's easier for them that way to be more vulnerablei #and then some fish biteeeeeeeeeeee #but like 3 small ones so they have to gather berries and mushrooms and make stew (dw there's an aldi this is bavaria after all)#but yeah day 1 is a bit weird like it's just them in the woods with no distractions #which is so different from whatever went on during their 1st year of high school #don't read this i will throw up i just need this somewhere this is my public scrapbook #bnha #deku #midoriya izuku #bakugo katsuki #the flower crown on their knees makes this a bit homosexual but fishing is always homosexual im not fighting against that #au:#fishing

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gummi-ships · 4 months

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#kingdom hearts dream drop distance #khddd #sora #riku #nightmare's end #mirage split #my gif #i was going to write up a whole thing in the tags about my thoughts on this keyblade #but i just know it'll be an incoherent essay because i can't properly articulate my thoughts #the x-blade must be forged through a clash of light and darkness #but i find it so highly significant that sora and riku can create their own keyblade which is so unheard of #this keyblade isn't created with a clash but rather through harmony and balance #not with conflict but with understanding and connection and love #and i always felt as though that's how the x-blade SHOULD be forged. that master xehanort went about it all wrong #because balance and connections are such important themes in these games #it has two handles and looks so regal when combined. all of the shapes feel reminiscent of the x-blade too #it shines so brilliantly with both sora and riku's symbols. the heart and crown which is the iconic logo for the entire series #also the way stained glass is always used to represent hearts. it's so significant!#and yeah the paupu fruit keychain is its own thing to unpack #okay so i ended up writing something anyway but there's still so much more #i just really hope we get to see more of this in future games because it would be shocking if it was nothing more than a cool combo attack

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genderkoolaid · 18 days

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european italians when italian americans have their own pronunciations & spellings because we are a linguistically isolated diaspora & most of our families spoke regional dialects instead of standard italian when they immigrated anyways:

#also idk man. i grew up in an area with no real italam community #my family barely speaks italian/neapolitan at all #it kinda sucks that italam language is seen as a joke/as mangled Italian #when so many of us never learned it bc our families refused to teach it #for safety & security! to assimilate! that sucks!!#like yeah god forbid we enjoy having a unique culture & having some connection to our ancestors #didn't realize we needed yalls permission to speak !!!#m.

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em0-opossum · 10 months

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"can I be [x gender] if I..." "can I still call myself [x term] if..." yes. yes. if you like the term then use it. do whatever you want forever. labels are just little words we use to categorize our infinitely complex existential experiences on this floating rock !! no two people who use the same label are going to experience it the same way and that's the beauty of it !! use "contradictory" labels, use labels that don't make sense to anyone, change your label every day or not at all, explore anything and everything, use no labels at all or every label under the sun, confuse people or correct them or let them assume things rather than explaining, I promise nothing other people think about your identity is worth your happiness !!

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kagooleo · 6 months

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the gangs all here!!!

#kagarts #rival silver #trainer kris #trainer ethan #trainer lyra #johto #pokemon gsc #pokemon hgss #I think it’s fascinating seeing so many interpretations of this bunch #on who is champion or what each of them do in postgame/timeskip scenarios #it’s really cool seeing so many variations of each like. hell yeah man #here’s a lot of factoids on designs sorry for the wall of text in advaaaaaance #lance picked silver’s main cape color and chose white so he would appear less intimidating and approachable when teaching kids about dragons #lugia matchy too for that dragon connection there #kris’ gear revolves around biking and the lil tassles were an attempt at suicune ribbons #she has aspects from all the lion dogs in her full fit (she gets a helmet and jet/boostpack)#channeling kamen rider and bomb rush cyberfunk/jet set radio to give her a more future vibe #ethan I personally wanted to channel the ken sugimori chill vibe of how he was drawn #very old school (college fit); with a bit of early age grunge #friend to all birds and does a bit of nature/wildlife photography (based on the hgss picture taking feature!)#also loves the pokeathlon #he gets a ho-oh pattern/colorset for his tracksuit #lyra in this interpretation is the champion and got to battle red #protag to protag communication happened and she wants to set a better example for trainers going forward #a great teacher who wants to encourage the next set of trainers to set out on their own journeys #she’ll be the champion until she has to pass that torch on #but she also cares for the ilex shrine as per family tradition (even taking that with her into her champion outfit! celebi dresssss :D)

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fayzart136 · 7 months

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This is not for you.

#ever read a book that leaves (pun not intended) you staring at a wall for a while after finishing?#yeah. house of leaves good #confusing! but good!#never been that unnerved by typesetting before.#house of leaves #books #painting #digital #sfw #artists on tumblr #anyway i feel like i could write a whole zampano style essay about shadow puppetry and how it connects to the themes of the book #but i wont. To keep in the spirit of the book. and because im tired #oh i will point out (in case it isnt clear)#that the uppermost shadow is the hand sign for the american “here is the church this is the steeple” rhyme #and this sign goes with “open the doors and see all the people”#make of that what you will.#hmmmm btw i have been thinking of making a redbubble #mayhaps this could work for it!

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quackle · 2 months

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au where kanade is a frail knight in training and minori is her clumsy guardian angel in training and they learn and grow with one another through all the hardships. clap if you agree.

#what if we all just connect every card ever to the new white day cards like let's have fun actually #someone pointed this out on twt and i was like ''yeah. YEAH ACTUALLY!''#like the feathers! the feathers!!!!! they're in both cards!!!!!#prsk #pjsk #project sekai #we can make this minokana if we try hard enough!

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iscreamkitty · 6 months

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Hamato gremlins

#tmnt #tmnt 2012 #tmnt fanart #oodle doodles #tmnt mikey #tmnt karai #karai #I never know how to tag karai #should I say oroku karai?#hamato karai?#what is right?#it all feels so disrespectful somehow #I don’t want to tag a million different karai tags tho #that’s embarrassing #but I want to be respectful #anyways yeah they hype each other up and she loves seeing him be a little evil #for fun #but then they also connect emotionally and they’re very attached and idk the LOVE each other and are siblings #idkdk you get it

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6footeel · 4 months

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haven’t made any decisions about his colors yet so i kind of just had fun with it lol

#i have some thoughts and feelings abt him #.art #malevolent #malevolent podcast #arthur lester #john doe #he’s just a little blobby guy up there #i have some really specific thoughts abt arthur as like #the child of 2 british jews . who immigrated & then had very little connection with community before they killed themselves #and thusly he was handed off to a catholic orphanage #and so . the complicated feelings about religion #along with them being compounded by how much loss he’s had in his life. and how much suffering #i just. as a jewish dude . i have feelings abt it #it’s literally all headcanons that i’ve made up but it slots in very nicely with him so. yeah

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hychlorions · 5 months

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they match :')

#.png #SIBLINGS!#this is what i think happens. in the future. in some distant hypothetical future that capcom refuses to acknowledge now #either because their current aa writers couldn't be at all assed to go through the past games in order to have their narratives in order #or because they went through it. and still decided it would've been funnier to throw in a siblings or dating joke #in addition to their other egregious crimes in regards to tie-in narratives for a game that is part of a SERIES #anyway yeah i think after their sibling reveal thalassa relinquishes the other bracelet to trucy #i think she's only ever kept it and not given it to trucy bc it's either the only thing that connects her to apollo #or (i've forgotten if she thought he was dead or not or if it was mentioned) she's been hoping he would find her #and recognize the bracelet. and see it's a match #i'm rambly today wow #this would've been a good day to stream my drawing process LOL #would've said all this in a vod i wouldn't keep and it'll die forever #but i didn't. so now it's in the tags mwah

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ganondoodle · 5 months

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so guess what they released more interviews and i think given what a writing shitshow totk was and what they have been saying in all these interviews is actually painting a really bad picture; i dont have the time, nor the energy to go over every detail

but they were commenting on people wanting the more linear format back and aonuma himself basically said that he thinks people who feel like that do so only bc of nostalgia and "Why do you want to go back to a type of game where you're more limited or more restricted in the types of things or ways you can play?"

what .. the fuck, more freedom DOESNT automatically mean better??? like ... restriction can be a GOOD thing just as tooo much freedom can be BAD?? like in totk??? are you fukcing shitting me- what the hell are games even for then, has he had an awakening to the fact that he actually just loves sandbox games without realizing it???? im not playing fucking zelda for a sandbox, especially not when its advertised as a somethign else

its pretty clear that they want to keep this format going with everything they say there, ... maybe it really is over huh

also i hate how they kept talking around answering anything about story/lore; they go asked how ganondorf even connects to ganon since theres nothign about it in game, and all they got out was welllll we dont wanna say anything bc its up to the player; about every question you got the answer of "make somethign up yourself" which is just ... its really clear they dont actually care but dont want to say everything is meaningless actually, so they try to be vague about it and with doing that really just confirm they didnt think about it and they dont care- so no lore actually matters, nothing thats been said or established has any meaning bc they will get rid of it the second it crosses paths with their new -more freedom equals better- philosophy, they say its bc they want you to be "free" to think up anything but apparently dont realize that when there are no rules, no consistent lore or anything that it ROBS it, it stops having meaning, its fun to connect dots only when there are rules you need to work with and dots to connect in the first place, when you have an established world with its restrictions it drives you to think more creatively about things- but when there are no rules?? its fucking boring!! thats what it is!!

when you discard all rules i wont care to get invested into anything bc i know it will not be considered again, be done away with without any reason and wont have influence on coming or previous games ... bc there are no rules, anything is possible and everything can be changed any second, so nothing matters

(they also talked about the many viral videos of those very few dedicated people that make godzilla mechs in totk and how happy they are about that- i get that to some extent, but the way they kept talkign about it really just felt like it confirmed my suspicion that that whole mechanic was mainly implemented to let people do that since that gets shared around en masse making it seem like that is why people enjoy it while neither the game nor the narrative are build around it in any way ..)

it just makes all the time i spend thinking, feeling and theorizing about zelda like a true waste of time, bc nothing matters and there are no rules-

i am someone who greatly enjoys working with and around established lore/rules, its fun to me to recontextulize things by being smart or creative with it all without breaking anything or as little as possible of the established things!

if i wanted to do just do anything i want I COULD HAVE ALREADY DONE THAT bc theres nothing actually stopping anyone to just make up what they want! i DONT need canon to lose all rules for that??!!

maybe ill have to make myself believe the franchise ended with botw on a good note ... ono

#ganondoodles talks #zelda #totk #ganondoodles rants #sorry for sounding so agressive about this #but its making me so mad #also someone said to me that they literally admitted to not have an actual writer for totk???#(or someone that has no connection to anything zelda before this??)#which i couldnt find myself but #it would make so much sense if true #like ... yeah if there werent any people dedicated for the narrative and it was jsut cool looking moment tacked on cool looking moment #or someone that has no idea of anything of the past ... including botw ... yeah .. yeah it does feel like that #it makes me so sad #and also like i have to come to terms with this franchise being practically dead to me now #just when i was about to start working on chapter 2 #can they please stop doing interviews when all they do is fuck it up more #(* ￣︿￣)

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canisalbus · 8 months

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hey! do you consider yourself a furry? if so, do you enjoy being in the community? if not, what label do you use, and why? (been wanting to ask this for a while:))

Sure, I don't mind being called a furry. My art certainly qualifies as furry art and my characters are furry characters. But I've never been that connected or active in the furry fandom in general. There's a lot of core experiences that I'm missing: I don't have a fursona, I don't own a fursuit and I've never been to a furry con. My online circles are very furry-centric but I don't think any of my irl friends consider themselves furries, despite our shared tastes and interests.

#so yeah furry but not a very community oriented one I guess #I'm always out of the loop when it comes to happenings and drama and such I literally never know what's going on #I tend to use the word anthro when referring to my art/characters but that's just personal preference furry is equally correct #I feel like all furries are anthros but not all anthros are furries and I just like to pick the word that covers both?#while we're here let me say that I find the theme of anthropomorphism super fascinating #people have been humanizing animals since prehistory which lends it a sense of timelessness and it's a concept that is culturally universal #it's silly but #in some trivial way I feel connected to the larger continuum of humans making nonhuman things in their own image #which is nice it makes me feel kinship to those cavemen who sculpted lion headed human figures out of mammoth ivory 35 000 years ago #answered #anonymous

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rottengurlz · 2 months

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"In the crooks of your body, I find my religion."

#oc: noelle #oc: avery #happy valentines day!!!!!!!11 #the way avery looks at her #IM GONNA BE SICK #there is no place he'd rather be than to be wrapped around noelle #in game photos you will always be my greatest enemy #mysims #the sims community #simblr #sims 4 #ts4 #sims 4 edit #avery would be so panicked when it comes to valentines he spent most of his life wathcing his parents tear themselves apart #and has never allowed or wanted to have a connection with someone like he has with noelle #even tho he'd be freaking out he'd have this huge detailed plan #noelle would tell him to not worry about it and they can just hang out at her apartment like normal #and avery would be like uhhuh yeahh yeah all while thinking about the 100000 things he has planned #the day would start with them in the picture where they're wrapped up together enjoying each others warmth #they wouldn't be able to keep their hands off of each other #sorry they fuck nasty #avery would've already had flowers on their way to be delivered so when they get up for the morning they'd be ready for her #he'd pick out lisianthus because he researched they last longer and knows noelle loves flowers but gets sad when they die #after that avery would take her around the city to all of his favorite places all the places that make him happy #he couldn't think of any better gift than really opening himself up to noelle and allowing her to learn everything about him #he's never wanted anyone to learn or know anything about him until noelle #he'd have running commentary the entire time like how at a grocery store an old lady hit him with her purse #when he tried returning her wlalet she dropped because she thought avery stole it #“old bitch” “avery thats not nice” “she HIT me”#gfjhhjfjfhfj

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