#which was upsetting for me because i hated going most places (i would get sensory overload and i had bad anxiety already) | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

gretavansidecut · 3 years

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Room to Breathe

Pairing: Josh Kiszka x Gender Neutral Reader

Word Count: 4,297

Summary: You're out at a crowded bar with the boys and start to have a panic attack from all the sensory overload and your crush Josh helps you through it

Warnings: swearing, alcohol use, general angst, detailed descriptions of sensory overload, anxiety, and spiraling negative thoughts. If you find any of these things to be triggering or otherwise upsetting, please proceed with extreme caution!

A/N: So I haven't written a fic in like... God, six years maybe? But this idea popped into my head the other night and just wouldn't leave so I figured what the heck, why not give this writing thing another try? I had an absolute blast writing this, and I hope you all enjoy it!

You held your head in your hands, trying your best to steady your breathing as you took refuge in the bathroom stall. The pounding, brain-rattling music of the honky-tonk was slightly more bearable in the relative quiet of the restroom, but you still found yourself grinding your teeth as the noise was beginning to get to you. Densely packed places were always a challenge; you weren't necessarily afraid of crowds, or claustrophobic, or anything like that, it was more that the combination of the overbearing noise and the feeling of being packed in like a sardine tended to make you a little... Panicky, to say the least. It didn't help that just getting into the bar in the first place nearly gave you sensory overload either. But you weren't about to bail early if you could help it, and you weren’t about to let a little creeping panic ruin a night on the town with the guys of Greta Van Fleet, especially not when Josh was the one who'd invited you to come along. Besides, you could handle a crowded, noisy bar for one night, right?

The sudden slamming of the bathroom door made you jump in your stall, the rowdy voices of drunk patrons shattering whatever peace you'd had up to that point. You let out a heavy sigh, figuring it was for the best as you'd already been in there for at least five minutes. Any longer and the guys might've started to get worried, or worse, come looking for you. You emerged from your stall, ignoring the drunk people and their slurred conversation to your left as you washed your hands, and then taking a moment to splash some water on your face. Just the thought of going back out into the noise and crowd was enough to make your chest tighten, and you couldn’t help but feel a little pissed off at the current situation. You’d been looking forward to this night out for over a week; a chance to properly spend time with the guys outside of work after doing odd jobs around their studio for the last few months, and you’d especially been looking forward to spending some time with Josh. As much as you hated to admit it, you’d developed a little bit of a crush on him over the course of working at the studio, but you figured there was no harm in dreaming as long as you kept things platonic and professional. He seemed to enjoy your company and laugh at your jokes, and you definitely enjoyed his in return.

You let out another shaky breath, taking a few more seconds to steel yourself before heading back out there. You knew this place would be packed, and you’d been ready for it, honestly you had. But today had just been one of those aggravating days, the kind where every little thing seemed to go wrong and rub you the wrong way. And when that happened, the panic would tend to creep in more easily, and with greater intensity. Still, you resolved to hold yourself together as best you could and not ruin the evening, glancing at yourself in the mirror to make sure you were presentable, before turning around and reentering the bar.

All at once, the blaring music and roar of the crowd hit you, and you couldn't even hear yourself think. There were flashing neon lights hung up on every wall, a few TVs scattered here and there playing some sports channels, and people zipping about all over the place. It felt like your whole head was ringing, your eyes and ears begging for mercy already as you made your way back to the far corner of the room where the boys’ table was. You could eventually pick out Josh's boisterous laughter through the mayhem, and the four of them came into view just in time for you to see Josh lob a pretzel about 4 feet into the air, only for Jake to expertly and effortlessly catching it in his mouth. Danny and Sam both cheered at once, each of them swiftly downing a shot of tequila as Josh shared a high five with his twin.

"Hell yeah Jakey, ten in a row, that's a new record!" He exclaimed in triumph, grabbing his glass and finishing what was left of his salty dog in one gulp. When he was done, he noticed you approaching the table and his eyes immediately lit up, though whether that was because of you or the sudden rush of alcohol you weren’t sure. Still, it was always nice to see him smile, even when you felt like you were on the verge of losing your mind.

"Heeey, Y/N's back! Now we can get this party going again!" He slung an arm around your shoulder, pulling you close to his side as he grinned from ear to ear. In any other situation your hopeless crush on him would make you nervous if he got this close to you, but after your perilous trek to the bathroom and back a little contact from someone besides a total stranger was more than welcome.

"Yeah, what took you so long?" Jake teased, popping another pretzel into his mouth. "We were starting to think you'd fallen into the sewers or something!"

"No, that's what you thought Jake, me 'n Sam were betting they'd run off and joined the circus!" Danny added with a grin, his words slightly slurred from the tequila at this point.

You swallowed tightly, flashing them a half-forced grin as you shook your head. “Guys, c’mon, be reasonable here, it was nothing like that... What really happened was an alligator popped up out of the toilet and we had a riveting conversation about quantum physics and string theory.”

The guys erupted into laughter; Jake covering his mouth so he didn’t accidentally spit out his pretzel, Josh cackling to your left, Sam almost choking on his beer, and Danny holding his face in his palm as he snickered drunkenly. Even in your heightened state of anxiety, you couldn't help but genuinely laugh along with them in the moment. After all, even in a stressful situation the guys were still a hoot to be around. They each had their own oddball sense of humor that made you, a fellow oddball, feel right at home with them. And the fact that Josh's arm was still wrapped around your shoulder was pretty nice too. It was almost enough to make the blaring noise and packed-in-like-sardines feeling of the bar bearable... Almost.

You were able to keep it together enough to have another round of drinks with them, finding solace in a simple vodka cranberry as the guys got drunker and more boisterous. Danny and Sam decided to have an arm wrestling contest, which Danny won quite easily given his drummer's arms, though that didn’t stop Sam from challenging him to a rematch, and still losing, five more times. Then Jake ended up slipping into his Oliver Reed impression, made all the more credible in his intoxicated state, and he began to ramble on about how wild and wonderful the filming of Tommy had been. Josh of course piped in when he could, commentating on Danny and Sam’s contest like a sports announcer and slipping into his own goofy voice as he ”interviewed” Mr. Reed. If this were happening anywhere else, literally anywhere else besides an overcrowded bar in the most overcrowded part of Nashville, you would've been having the absolute time of your life. But instead you found yourself getting more and more tense with each moment that passed by, the pounding noise and mass of shifting bodies behind you making your pulse race and your head ache. Your drink had done absolutely nothing to calm your nerves, and not even the continued feeling of Josh's arm on your shoulder seemed to help, and you were starting to resent the fact that you couldn't even enjoy that.

You finally hit your limit when you felt the sharp point of someone's elbow jab into the middle of your back, and you flinched hard away from the source of the sudden contact. You could feel Josh’s arm tighten around your shoulder slightly, and everyone's heads whipped around to see a young woman, clearly drunk and looking very apologetic.

"O-oh shit, I'm so sorry sweetie!" She slurred out, steadying herself on her feet. "Didn't mean t'hitcha! Jus' tryin' to get s'more drinks for my table!"

The guys all nodded, assuring her it was and honest mistake and she gave them all a smile and a wave as she staggered off towards the bar. You, on the other hand, couldn’t even bring yourself to look at her, your eyes locked on an empty glass on the table as the ringing in your head became unbearable, every nerve and muscle in your body suddenly taut like a bowstring. The guys kept talking, though what about you had no clue, unable to make out what they were saying as your own pulse pounded in your ears. In the back of your mind you thought you could feel Josh's thumb rubbing gently against your shoulder, almost in a soothing kind of motion, but you honestly couldn't be sure right now. Every molecule in your body was struggling to keep it together as you quickly spiraled into a frenzied panic, and the only thing you were absolutely positive was true was that you had to get out of there fast.

"Hey... You alright?" Josh's voice was suddenly clear and crisp in your ears like a bell, and it was enough to snap you out of your spiral for just a second and address the table. Though the way Jake, Sam, and Danny were looking at you expectantly made you feel like you wanted to run and hide under a rock. If there was one thing you hated more than having a breakdown in public, it was people knowing you were having a breakdown in public.

"O-oh yeah, I'm good! Sh-she just startled me is all..." Your voice trailed off, and you swallowed dryly as you fought back tears. "I... I'm just gonna s-step outside for a second and get some air, yeah?" You said with a plastered-on smile, doing your best to not let them know anything was wrong as you reluctantly wormed your way out of Josh's grip and made your way towards the nearest door. You pushed your way through the crowd, ignoring the protests as you bumped into several people along the way, struggling to focus long enough to make it to your goal. You could feel your throat tightening, hot tears stinging your eyes as shame and embarrassment crept into your panic stricken mind. ‘Seriously? You couldn't even handle one night out in a crowded bar? You just had to let your sort-of-crappy day get to you and ruin everyone's night, didn't you?’

Finally reaching the door, you stumbled out of it, desperately trying to catch your breath as you welcomed the sudden rush of fresh air. Unfortunately, in your panic, the door you ended up choosing wasn’t the one that led to the bar's outdoor area like you thought, but the front door, and you suddenly found yourself adrift in the churning tide of rowdy, drunken humanity that was the Broadway strip on a Friday night. You didn't even bother trying to hold the tears back at this point, completely overwhelmed and hyperventilating as you found the quietest spot in sight, an empty doorway on the other side of the bar's front windows, and sank to the ground. You hugged your knees tightly as you brought them up to your chest, shaking as you buried your face in your arms, the blaring noise, blinding lights, and sheer presence of the crowd causing you to shut down on the spot.

The feeling of a hand on your shoulder jolted you out of your stupor, and you scrambled away from the touch as fast as you could with a startled scream. You were fully prepared to yell at whatever stranger had just touched you, because the last thing you needed right now was some rando putting their hands on you. To your mix of shock and relief, it was Josh's face that you saw, his eyes a little wide as he held up both of his hands in a defensive manner.

"Easy Y/N, it's just me, it’s Josh!" He said as softly as he could while still being audible over the throng of the crowd. You couldn't find it in you to respond, just staring at him like a deer caught in a car’s headlights as your body started to shake uncontrollably. You suddenly realized there was, in fact, something you hated more than people knowing you were having a breakdown in public, and that was your goddamn crush knowing that you were having a breakdown in public. In the back of your panic-stricken mind you wondered, if you just stayed still long enough, whether Josh would just turn around and leave you alone. You realized just how futile that thought was when he did quite the opposite and extended a hand out to you.

"It's pretty intense out here. Let's go find a quieter spot, alright?"

The rest of your body still shaking, you nodded your head eagerly, accepting his hand as he pulled you up off the ground. Once you were standing, he let go of your hand and wrapped that same arm around your waist, pulling you in close to his side as he cocked his head in one direction.

"You're ok, just stay close to me, I'll get you out of here."

You hastily nodded again, unable to make words or maintain eye contact as you turned your gaze to the concrete below you and let Josh guide you through the sea of bodies. It felt like you were in there forever, the crowd shifting all around you, and any time you felt someone get too close, your body began to lock up and freeze. The only thing that kept you upright and moving was Josh's arm curled around your side, keeping you grounded as he led you away from the worst of the crowd. Eventually it dawned on you that the number of people around you were thinning out, the noise getting less and less intense as Josh led you up a street and then some kind of steep ramp. A cool rush of air and the sudden smell of water hit your nostrils and you glanced upwards to get your bearings just in time to realize that Josh was leading you over the river on the pedestrian bridge, towards the eastern side of the city and away from the bedlam of Broadway. You were about three quarters of the way over the bridge before he pulled you off to the side, leading you right up to the railing where you could clearly feel the breeze. The cacophony you'd just escaped from was still very much audible from this distance, but you found its volume to be much more bearable now. There was also plenty of room out here, as well as far fewer people, and for the first time since you'd entered the bar earlier that night, you felt like you could finally breathe.

You leaned forward, bracing yourself against the railing as you took deep breaths in through your nose, before slowly exhaling through your mouth, and you could feel your body ever so slowly start to relax more and more with each one you took. Josh was quiet for the time being, his hand moving from your side to your back and rubbing up and down in a soothing motion while you caught your breath. Despite feeling calmer, the tears were more difficult to stop, anger and embarrassment at yourself nagging you in the back of your mind, unable to shake the feeling that you'd just ruined whatever fun he'd been having that night.

You felt something soft touch your arm and you looked up to see a packet of tissues in Josh's other hand as he offered them to you, still silently rubbing your back. You happily accepted them, tearing the plastic open and grabbing a couple before reaching up and wiping your face, your breath still hitching here and there as you tried to steady yourself mentally. After a few more moments of quiet you finally heard Josh speak up, his voice soft and concerned.

"How're you doing? Any better?"

You bit your lip out of nerves, nodding as you finally worked up the courage to look him in the eye for the first time since leaving the doorway by the bar. You were expecting to see anger, annoyance, judgement; honestly all the things you felt about yourself right now reflected back at you in his face, but instead you saw nothing but sympathy and concern painted across his features. In any other situation you'd be positively swooning over how he was looking at you so tenderly. It was another couple moments before the ability to speak finally came back to you, and you let out a heavy, shaking sigh.

“Y-yeah I… I’m alright now…. Thanks.” you trailed off, trying to swallow down the shame that had been slowly creeping into your mind. “I… I’m so sorry about this… I d-didn’t mean to ruin everyone’s night.”

“Ok, first of all-” Josh said in a calm but firm voice, his palm on your back pressing into you a bit more and pulling you closer to him. “We’re not gonna do that tonight, alright? You didn’t ruin damn thing, you had a panic attack and that’s not your fault.” It took everything in you to not star crying again when he said that, though at least this time it would've been because you were touched by his concern and not because you were upset.

“And second, I should be the one apologizing to you. That street can be really intense if you’re not ready for it, and I should’ve checked with you ahead of time that you were. I never would’ve picked such a crowded spot if I knew that was gonna be an issue for you.”

You sniffled a little bit, shaking your head as you slowly pulled yourself together. “I-it’s ok, really... Like, normally I can handle crowds and loud noise, but being packed in like that, with everyone bumping into you and all the noise and lights on top of it... that can just be too much for me to handle sometimes, you know?” You watched as Josh nodded along to what you spoke, indicating that he was listening, and knowing that he wasn't going to judge you for how you reacted was helping the residual panic and shame you still felt fade away.

“And then on top of that, today just like.... kind of sucked, in general. I mean, nothing terrible happened or anything, but it was a whole bunch of little things, one after the other. I totally fucked up making breakfast, my cat threw up on my favorite pair of shoes, I got a parking ticket for a really ridiculous reason, and I have some other work deadlines coming up that’re stressing me out, so I already wasn’t in the best headspace to deal with all of...That tonight.” you gestured your hand back towards the direction of Broadway.

"Then when that chick jabbed me in the back it just... snapped something inside me. I-I know it was an accident, and I don’t blame her for what she did, but it honestly startled me so bad, and I just lost it..."

"I don’t blame you,” he replied sympathetically “That’s entirely too much shit to deal with in a single day.”

"And like... I-I know I could’ve asked for a raincheck, but I didn't wanna like, be rude or have you guys think I was blowing you off. Because I didn’t want to blow you guys off! Especially not for something so stupid..."

"Hey, it's not stupid at all." He replied adamantly, giving your shoulder a reassuring squeeze. "Those kind of crappy days have a way if wearing you down way harder than you’d think."

You let out a breath you didn’t realize you’d been holding as it felt like a weight had been lifted from your shoulders. You’d been so, so worried that Josh was going to be angry, or that he wouldn’t have understood what had happened, as had been the case for you so many times before. His hand began gently rubbing your back again in a soothing motion, and the two of you slipped into silence for a moment, letting the cool breeze coming off of the river wash over you. Even with the music still pounding in the distance, you could hear the sound of the river rushing under you if you listened closely enough, and so you did, finding the sound incredibly soothing. It was almost hypnotizing in a way, and you weren’t sure how much time had passed before Josh spoke again, but when he did, you were a little surprised by what he had to say.

“I know a couple smaller clubs on the outskirts of the city we could check out next time. They've still got all the good drinks and music, but they aren’t nearly as intense as that one was.” he suggested, flashing you a warm smile.

“I mean, don’t get me wrong, those definitely sound like my kind of place. But you seriously want me to hang out with you guys again after that whole mess?”

“Of course! So you had a bad night, it happens to the best of us. We aren’t gonna hold it against you. Besides, why wouldn’t we wanna hang out with someone as awesome as you?”

You let out a small chuckle, a smile tugging at the corner of your lips as nervous blush crept onto your cheeks. “Well, I’m not sure about awesome... but I’m glad to know you guys enjoy my company.”

“What, are you kidding me?” he retorted enthusiastically, his dark eyes sparkling in the dim lights of the bridge. “You’re absolutely awesome! You’re so nice and welcoming to everyone, you’ve got an incredible sense of humor, great taste in music, and you are delightfully weird!” You were glad the lighting on the bridge wasn’t the best where you were standing, because your face was rapidly turning red as he kept showering you with compliments.

“Well, thank you.” You replied somewhat shyly, a grin spreading across your face as you found Josh’s good mood infectious, feeling much more at ease now than you had earlier. In a sudden streak of boldness you struck a small pose, with one hand framing your face dramatically. “But what, no mention of my flawless good looks?”

You were just kidding around, of course, and Josh knew you were too. But even still, you couldn't help but notice the way Josh’s eyes widened and his smile twitched ever so slightly when you said that, or how he seemed to be blushing if the way his cheekbones suddenly appeared darker were anything to go by.

“I mean...” he began with a small shrug, his smile downright sheepish at this point “That’s so incredibly obvious that I kinda figured it went without saying. But they’re definitely a bonus!”

You let out a nervous laugh, feeling your face burn from the sudden rush of blood to it, and you turned to face back towards the river. You couldn’t keep looking at him when he said that, not when he said it while he had his hand on your back, not when he was blushing while he said it, not when he said it so... so earnestly. You pressed into his side a bit more firmly, and you swore you could feel his heart beating faster in his chest.

“Yeah, well... don’t sell yourself short, you’ve got a face that could give Errol Flynn a run for his money.” you half-teased, nudging him affectionately in the ribs with your elbow. He let out a small chuckle beside you, his arm still firmly wrapped around your shoulder and he gave your arm a soft, affectionate squeeze in return. The two of you said nothing for a moment, just enjoying each other’s company and touch as you both gazed out over the river, watching the lights of the city twinkle and glimmer on it’s dark surface.

“Is... is it cool if we just stay up here for a little while?” you asked, suddenly feeling very physically tired after this whole ordeal. “I hate to just ditch the others and leave them in that bar, but I honestly don’t think I could handle going back in there tonight.”

“Oh don’t worry, a bar is the best place we could possibly leave them.” Josh said with a chuckle. “But seriously, we can stay out here as long as you need.” he assured, giving you a firm hug from the side and flashing you a soft, reassuring smile. “We don’t have to go anywhere.”

A sudden surge of warmth and fatigue washed over you, and you found yourself leaning more heavily into Josh’s frame, which he seemed to welcome, finally letting your head come to rest on his shoulder. Your eyes slipped closed for a second, and you took a deep breath before letting out a soft, contented sigh.

“Thank you so much for everything you did for me tonight. I seriously can’t tell you how much I appreciate it.” He hummed softly in reply as he leaned back against you, the weight of his cheek suddenly pressing into the top of your head.

“Anytime, Y/N. I’ll always have your back.”

#greta van fleet #greta van fic #greta van fleet fan fiction #josh kiszka x reader #sidecut fics #because I guess that's a tag I need now x'D #I still can't believe I actually wrote something again after all this time. I had so much goddang fun!

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kittykat-creations · 3 years

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Character Blogs; evening June 26, 2021

I don't have the energy to write this into a fic so here's just the roleplay itself. Credit to @antifreeze-dot-exe for writing Max

Max isn't even undressed yet before David enters the shower building. "Max? What are you doing in here? It's bedtime."

"Nunya business, shithead."

"You should be in your tent, Max."

"Fuck off."

David shakes his head. "Are you feeling alright, Max?"

What is this? A police investigation? I said fuck off."

David frowns. "If you need a shower, you can have a short one. But you need to be back in your tent soon."

Max flips him off and storms over to the showers, mumbling obscenities under his breath.

"Ten minutes, Max!" David calls. "Then I'll be back to send you to bed!"

"Kiss my ass, David!" Max calls after him as he flips on the shower and sits on the bench between the two curtains.

-----

"Max!" David calls when he enters the building. "Time to get to bed!"

Max pulls the waistband of his pants back up over the cuts and shuts off the shower. "Yeah ok, whatever."

David doesn't notice the blood soaking through Max's jeans as he's walking Max back, but Neil does. "Max? Why is your hip bleeding?"

"Fuck off," he growls out. He pulls the blankets over his head.

Neil shrinks back, a little shocked at Max's attitude. "A-are you ok?"

"I said FUCK OFF!"

Neil flinches, whimpering a bit. "C-can we at least... get it- get it cleaned up?" He asks quietly.

"Why the fuck would I do it in the first place if I wanted it cleaned up, Neil?"

"We usually clean it so it doesn't get worse."

"Well maybe I want to get worse." Max rolls over. "Just go to bed, Neil."

"...I-I need my blanket, then... If you- if you want me to sleep in my own cot..." Neil isn't sure what else to do.

"Here," Max stands and tosses the blanket at him. "Just take the whole bed, I'm not sleeping tonight anyway." He starts to walk outside the tent.

Max is only walking around the woods for about ten minutes before Neil gets David and goes out to find him, because Neil is scared Max might do something worse.

"LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE, YOU WHORES!"

"Max, that's not very nice!" David says.

"Max, please!" Neil runs over to him. "Seriously, please, y-youre scaring me."

Max staggers away from them, tripping over a branch in the process. "F-FUCK OFF."

"No! Fuck, Max! I don't want to lose you!"

Max scoots away and sobs. "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!"

Neil is crying too and sits down a couple feet from Max. "I love you, Max, I-I can't... I can't lose you..."

"Bullshit."

"It's not bullshit, asshole!"

Max crawls away from the two and sobs. "I-I h-hate you both! G-get away from me!"

"Im not ri-isking it, M-Max."

"I ha-HATE you j-just let me DIE! Fu-fuck OFF!"

"No! I'm not gonna lose you, Max!"

Max curls in on himself and rips out pieces of his hair.

"Max," David speaks softly, "I know you're upset right now, but I can't let you stay out here alone. For your own safety."

"Fuck y-you!"

"I know. Now we can either stay out here with you, or you can come back to the mess hall if you really want to be alone."

Max scrambles back farther. Blood is soaking through his pant leg, making the already dark material just a little bit darker. He whimpers. "Ju-just let me d-die..."

"I can't let that happen, Max."

Neil sniffs, wiping at his eyes, which are still pretty wet.

"P-please..." Max begs.

David shakes his head. "Come on, let's get you back to camp," he says softly. Max shakes his head. He decides that he is going to sit here until both of them get tired and leave him there to die.

"Yes, Max."

"I-I'll st-stay out here..." Neil says quietly.

"Fuck off..." Max's voice is small.

"N-no..."

Max lays down on the dirt and leaves, scratching at his hands and face. Neil carefully reaches over to try and hold Max's hands. Max snatches them away and rocks back and forth.

"Are you sure you'll be ok...?"

"Fuck off, David, I got it," Neil mumbles. He's just not leaving Max.

"Leave me alone Leave me alone. Leave me alone-" Max chants over and over again. The scratching has gotten more frantic and he's hyperventilating.

"I-I can... give you some space, ok?" Neil suggests. "Somewhere you can't see me?"

"JUST LET ME FUCKING KILL MYSELF!" Max wails.

"Not gonna do that."

Max goes back to ripping his hair out. "No more no more no more..."

"...I know... I know, I'm sorry..." Neil winces a little. "...ca-an you try breathing with me? Please?" Max shakes his head and cries out. "I'm trying, Max, I really am..."

"Please... no more..." He looks pathetic, like a petulant child who's pitching a fit. The only difference between the two is that a small child wouldn't have blood soaking through trousers and running down their face.

"No more what?"

Max weakly gestures all around.

Neil sighs a little. "I can't let you... do that, Max... I love you, I promise I do. But maybe there's some way to... take a break? If you don't feel like sleeping, maybe... Maybe I could build you another sensory deprivation tank." Max shudders, but otherwise stays quiet. "Is that a no...?"

Neil tries to think of other solutions. Max stares off into space, most likely dissociating from the whole situation.

"I'm not sure what else could mimic... taking a break."

Tears are running silently down Max's face, mixing with blood and mucus. Neil notices and hesitates, slowly crawling over, but still not making contact. "Max...?"

Max doesn't respond, only shudders quietly.

"Mm..." Neil picks at the skin around his nails. "I'm... I'm going to get a first aid kit and something to clean you up with, ok?"

Max startles and looks over at Neil sluggishly. "...hm?"

"Getting a first aid kid.'

...first aid kit... for... for the blood... "...oh."

"You'll be ok?" Neil asks.

Max struggles to comprehend what Neil is saying to him. "...be ok...?"

"Be ok?" Neil repeats gently. "For now?"

Be ok... Neil is asking him if he will be ok. Max nods shakily.

"Ok... I'll be quick, promise." Neil doesn't actually go too far. He stops just before he can't see Max anymore and texts Nikki to bring the first aid kid.

Max is completely dissociated. The time it takes for Neil to walk away and text Nikki feels both like a second and a million years. He's floating around in his own mind, far away from camp, far away from Neil, and far away from his own suicidal intentions.

Neil is back ten minutes later, and gently moves Max to sit up, if he can. He leans heavily against Neil and stares off into space. "...hm?"

"It's ok," Neil says softly. He leans Max against a tree and starts by cleaning up his face. Max stares at Neil's knee as he cleans his face.

"...be ok..." he repeats, hanging onto little shreds of reality.

"Be ok," Neil repeats quietly. When he's done cleaning up the scratches, he gently kisses Max's forehead. "Can I do your hip now?"

...hip? ...do... hip...? "...hm?"

"Clean your hip," Neil repeats.

...clean your hip... oh... "...ok."

Neil nods and carefully moves to clean up Max's hip.

"...be ok..." Max whispers, letting Neil clean his cuts.

"It'll be ok," Neil agrees softly.

...it will? Max grabs onto Neil's shirt weakly. "Oh..."

"Yeah, you'll be ok..." Neil runs a hand through his hair. "We'll be ok..."

"Be ok..." Max croaks out, reality slowly seeping back into his consciousness.

"Be ok..."

Max whimpers as the weight of his own intentions falls back squarely onto his shoulders. "...so sorry..."

"It's alright... Y-you didn't mean it..."

"...wanna go home..."

"Yeah, yeah let's get back to camp, ok?"

Max nods. "Be ok..."

Neil helps him stand up. "Be ok."

Max collapses against Neil's chest and staggers with him back to camp.

Max sleeps restlessly throughout the night. Neil barely sleeps, and eventually stays awake after 4:00 am and crochets to pass the time.

#camp camp #max cc #neil cc #maxneil #depression tw #self harm tw #suicide attempt tw #suicide tw #character blogs

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fanfalc-616 · 3 years

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The Rights Of A Nindroid

Chapter Nineteen

(Prevoius Chapter Here)

This AU is basically a collab with @ablackswansweet at this point-

Zane huffs out a weak breath, and it’s clear that he’s tiring from the way they’re hurting him. “I am equal to any human. This will not be changing any time soon.” Despite his obvious exhaustion, he still manages to sound strong and determined.

Shifting awkwardly, Cryptor glances over at Kyle. Apparently he’s been behaving well enough for them to take the chains off, but he still has no idea why the brat brought him to one of Zane’s training sessions.

Kyle seems surprised by the defiance, even a little amused. "I'm… Actually really surprised you'd say that now, after all the trouble you went through last time. Guess it's still not sinking in…”

Then he looks at Cryptor. “General?" He prompts.

Cryptor blinks. “What?”

He’s… actually not sure what Kyle wants from him, but he’s got a sinking feeling that says it’s not going to be good.

Kyle frowns, looking annoyed. "What do you mean, 'what'? I thought it was obvious. Aren't you supposed to be a very high-quality AI?"

Cryptor grinds his teeth. “I am a high-quality AI. You didn’t exactly expl-“ He stops before finishing the rude remark. “I, uh. I didn’t quite understand you… Master.”

The title feels like fire on his tongue, but he forces it out, hating how often he’s had to use it recently. These fuckers aren’t his ‘Masters’- he’s his own person and doesn’t belong to anyone.

… if only the law agreed with him.

Shaking his head, Kyle sighs. "Can't believe I'll have to spell it out for you. You used to be more fun than that- Anyways, Original here is acting up. Again. So what you are going to do, like a good assistant, is punish it. Understood, now?"

Kyle’s slightly passive aggressive smile is unnerving, but it’s the furthest thing from his mind at the moment.

He wants Cryptor to be the one to hurt Zane? He wants him to hurt his friend?

“I… I can’t… Kyl-“ He once again cuts himself off as he fumbles for words. “Master, I- I can’t do that. I can’t- no.” He comes to his conclusion. “No, I won’t.”

Kyle’s expression darkens some, a clear threat in his tone as he speaks. "I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that. Are you defying a direct order from your Master, nindroid?"

Opening his mouth to speak, Cryptor finds himself being cut off.

“If you are going to hurt me, do it yourself!” Zane snaps, a sharp edge to his tone as he seems to have regained some of his bearings. “Don’t bring him into this!”

With a scowl, Kyle looks over at Zane. "Shut up, scrap metal. Another peep from you or it and it's the sensory room.” He then turns his attention back to Cryptor.

“Now, General, last chance. Punish it now, or I'll take away the thing you're so desperate to protect that you'd give up your precious dignity." The threat in his tone is unmistakable, but all Cryptor can see is the fear on Zane’s face that he’s struggling to hide by pretending to be angry- though some of the anger is likely real.

Cryptor can’t think. He doesn’t know what to do here. He has to obey, he has to, but…

“I… that’s not…” He finds himself stumbling with his words just as much as he is in his mind. But after a few moments, he manages to come to a conclusion.

“I won’t hurt him.”

Kyle pulls out a remote, pushing some buttons. Only a few moments later, guards arrive, and he turns and addresses them. "Take Original to the sensory room. If it tries to break free, you're welcome to retain it. Painfully, if need be."

The guards begin to obey, and Kyle mouths something to Zane that Cryptor can’t quite make out.

Still, the white ninja struggles. “Wh-“ He’s cut off as he’s roughly unchained and manhandled. “Hey! Stop it, I- let go of me!”

Panic begins to settle inside him. The sensory room? They had only taken Cryptor there once, and only for a few hours, but it had been living hell. He can’t let them do that to Zane!

Still, he can’t do anything more than watch as they begin to drag Zane away. He once again finds himself fumbling for words. “Wa- wait, no, I- I didn’t-“ He turns to look at Kyle, still feeling fear flooding through him. “Hold on!”

Kyle only shrugs. "I warned you. Really hoped you'd be smart enough to listen."

Zane continues shouting as he’s forcibly pulled out of the room, the anger mixed with fear.

The fear makes way for shock. And shock makes way for anger. “I- you-“ He feels the rage burning deep inside of him as he glares at Kyle “That. Is. It.”

No words can describe how good it feels when his fist collides with the damn brat’s face.

Kyle stumbles back, hand coming up to clutch at his bloody nose. The red stains make Cryptor feel satisfied, but the moment is ruined when Kyle starts… laughing.

He just got punched in the face, and he’s laughing. Laughing maniacally, laughing like the insane jackass he is.

Rage still boils inside of him, and it only burns brighter at that, at the way he’s being mocked. “Shut up! Stop-“ He stops bothering with words as he tries to grab Kyle, to hold him down and pummel the shit out of him-

But the damn guards are back, and he’s being restrained, being held in place in front of the most infuriating person that Cryptor has ever met. “Let go of me!” He snarls. “ I’m not fucking finished with him!”

Kyle is still laughing, laughing like a fucking psychopathic sadist. "HAH! Guess you really didn't like him after all-" Once the words are out, he’s right back to cackling.

It suddenly registers in his head. What he had done. The reasoning for why he hadn’t done it sooner. What’s going to happen now that he did.

His words are only a soft whisper as he speaks, unable to speak louder due to the horror inside of him. “No- no, no, no, no- I…” He looks back at Kyle, who has finally caught his breath.

“W- wait, I-“

The smile he gets is cold-blooded and straight up murderous. "You. Shut your mouth. Now.” He orders. He then pauses a moment before continuing. “I was being way too nice to you, apparently. Gave you ideas.” He shrugs. “Won't happen again.” Then he looks over at the guards.

“Guys, tie it up and bring me… you-know-what."

Cryptor could swear that his power source had shut off for a moment.

He opens his mouth to speak, but then shuts it fast enough that there’s an audible click. Kyle had told him to stop talking, and he’s not going to risk pissing him off more.

Feeling himself begin to tremble, Cryptor fights back the feeling of helplessness that builds inside of him. He doesn’t bother continuing to struggle.

It’s not worth it.

Kyle chuckles lowly. "Not very impressive now, General, huh? You won't stand up to a guy with a bloody nose?" His tone is mocking, and Cryptor grits his teeth. He looks down and squeezes his eyes shut tight, unable to look at the blond.

"You're so pathetic it makes me want to puke.” Kyle scoffs before addressing the guards. “Take it back to its locker so it can wait until we find him."

“Don’t-“ Cryptor cuts himself off as they begin to drag him away. He was ordered not to speak. And he has the implied order to not resist, so…

He’s roughly shoved back into the locker- not that he would’ve tried to avoid going in- and the door is slammed shut in front of him.

Hopelessness.

That’s the only word that could even begin to describe what he’s feeling.

If he were human, tears would be pooling in his eyes. As it is, he can only just stop himself from beginning to sob without tears, doing the nindroid, non-human equivalent.

Because he’s not human. And he never will be.

“I… fuck.” He mumbles the words to himself as he desperately tries to avoid breaking down completely.

He hears a weak, tired laugh escape him of its own accord as he closes his eyes, able to feel his strength draining from him.

“I really am pathetic…”

He’s not sure how much time has passed by the time they bring Zane back, but it’s been at least six hours- a long time for the sensory room.

I DI

DONT

Cryptor cuts off whatever the hell he was going to say. He honestly couldn’t care less about what the white ninja has to say to him.

Nothing he could say would make a difference.

————————————————-

Cryptor doesn’t resist when he’s taken out of his locker. He doesn’t resist as he’s taken down the halls. He doesn’t resist when he’s chained down.

He doesn’t resist at all.

He doesn’t dare.

Kyle is in the room, but Cryptor doesn’t risk doing anything more than looking down, silently pleading for mercy that he knows won’t be coming as the blond walks up to him. "I'm giving you permission to talk again. Don't make me regret that too."

He’s suddenly glad that he hadn’t tried to say anything. Keeping his head down, Cryptor forces out a set of apologetic words. “I won’t, Master. I’m- I’m sorry.”

There’s an annoyed sigh. "You're not sorry you misbehaved. You're sorry you have to live with the consequences.” Out of the corner of his eye, he can see the blond shaking his head. “Anyways, I'm hoping you understand why we brought you here."

Every gear and mechanism is suddenly locked as he struggles to keep ahold of himself. He looks up for a moment, and tries to find some way to defend his past actions for a moment… but only a moment.. “I- I di… yes, Master.” He looks down again.“I understand.”

"Good. At least that's out of the way." Kyle starts to walk around him, circling him like a predator around its prey. "Explain this to me, however. You were so, so desperate to make sure Sentry wouldn't get hurt a while ago. So what the fuck-“ Kyle gestures at his bloody nose “-was that?"

Shaking, Cryptor answers truthfully, his words quiet and, unfortunately, almost pitiful.

“I… I was angry. I wanted to protect Zane, and I was upset that I failed.” Cryptor cringes as he forces himself to continue. “I shouldn’t have done that, Master. It- it won’t happen again.”

Kyle sounds slightly confused, but also kind of mocking, which balances it out pretty well. "You're not really what I'd call a hero, General. What made you think you could be one now?"

Feeling his head snap up, Cryptor answers without hesitation. “I’m not a hero. I never wanted to be. I…” his voice goes quiet again as he continues. “I made a friend. And I just… I wanted to be happy. I wanted- I wanted to feel okay again.” Rage once again washes over him as he continues, this time shouting. “I just wanted some sense of normal in this place!”

Then he freezes. Everything is tense. Oh, he should not have done that, he should not have shouted-

The blond sighs. "Well, so much for that." He takes something out of one of his pockets at just the right angle to prevent Cryptor from seeing what it is.

Dread settles inside of him, but he tries to hide it, tries to pretend that maybe he still has some dignity.

“Wh- what’s that?”

And apparently he doesn’t, because he sounds downright terrified when he speaks.

Kyle’s smile is once again one of the most terrifying things that Cryptor has ever seen. "I have a better question. Which piece of a nindroid's faceplate is harmless enough to remove while still causing a good amount of pain?"

Cryptor feels his eyes widen, staring in mute horror for a few moments before he manages to breath out a few quiet words.

“You- you didn’t.”

The eye piece, the scope. Technically made to be a laser beam, but it has sensors in it- really sensitive ones, too.

The smile grows. "Judging by the look on your face, I'd say that you've got it. That's right, it's the scope!" The part is basically shoved in his face, and Cryptor flinches backwards.

Horror sets in every single wire and circuit he has as he stares at it. “I- you- he’s not…”

The implications… no. No, he didn’t… he couldn’t have… Sentry can’t be… he can’t…

Cryptor manages to look up, to look Kyle in the eyes, to look at his Master. “He’s not- you didn’t…”

The blond is still smiling as he shrugs. "He's as alive as a machine can be… For now. And I want you to fully understand that even if this is just a scope, we have the power to harvest much more delicate pieces, like, let's say…” He pauses dramatically, posing like he’s thinking.

Then he drops the act, and the smile is now a smirk. “A power source."

Cryptor doesn’t move. He doesn’t speak. He can barely even breathe. He at least had the reassurance that he’s not dead yet, but…

Kyle either doesn’t know or doesn’t care about his mental plight. "The other important thing that I want you to remember before you get ideas again is that you are completely responsible for Sentry's and Original's well-beings. If you misbehave or talk back like you did before…” He shrugs. “Well, you saw what happens. "

With a weak nod, Cryptor agrees. “I… I understand.” Dropping his gaze back down to the floor, he continues, confining his statement. “I’ll behave, Master.”

He hesitates for a minute as he comes up with an idea. Not an idea of how to defy, but… an idea of how to obey. How to give him what he wants. What he demands from him.

“I know that I am lesser, and I… I’ll act like it from now on.”

The words taste disgusting in his mouth, but he speaks them anyway, knowing that that’s what Kyle would want to hear.

"Awesome.” Kyle smiles. “I'll have someone bring you back to your locker."

His next words are mumbled so softly that Cryptor can barely make them out.

“I almost feel bad for it, if only Original hadn't acted out first… This is its fault, really."

Cryptor feels everything in him tense. That- he- it’s not Zane’s fault, it…

But isn’t it?

Anger, frustration, and fear are all building up inside of him as he lets himself be taken back to his locker.

ARE YO

Cryptor doesn’t wait for him to finish.

FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE TAKE A HINT AND SHUT YOUR MOUTH

Thankfully, Zane doesn’t answer, and Cryptor takes the opportunity to activate his sleep mode.

But annoyance is suddenly added to the growing list of emotions as he realizes that he’s too worked up to go to sleep.

Grinding his teeth, Cryptor snaps at Zane again, feeling the upset whirlwind of feelings inside of him making him almost sick.

THIS IS YOUR FAULT

There’s a long pause before Zane answers, and for a moment, Cryptor feels even more annoyed as he wonders if he had gone to sleep.

I KNOW

He… what? He just- okay, good, he knows that it’s his fault. At least he’s not trying to deny that he got them into this. If he would just behave and do what he’s told, none of this would be-

ILL TALK TO YOU TOMORROW CRY

Rage is still burning inside of him as he answers the white ninja.

I WONT RESPOND

I DONT EXPECT YOU TO

Wh- what does that mean? What kind of mind games is he playing here? Is he trying to trick Cryptor into forgiving him?

It takes hours before he can fall asleep.

And even then… all he has are nightmares.

{ { { { { { { { { { ~ } } } } } } } } } }

Kyle walks down the hall, not bothering to glance at the lockers as he goes by. Really, this was almost too easy. 3D printing a copy of the scope and using sensory manipulation to make it more realistic? Is that really all it takes?

Smiling to himself, Kyle heads off to Borg Tower.

He has an internship to get to.

#the rights of a nindroid #trauma #psychological torture #torture #ninjago fanfiction #fanfiction

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thechangeling · 4 years

Text

Lost and Found:

Happy birthday Alex! @catadorass I hope this is everything you wanted, or at least sort of what you wanted lol. I wrote this from Ty's pov because it's really importance to showcase his side of the story.

Nothing about us without us Cassie.

"Hey can we talk" Ty heard Kit ask from behind him.

It was late. Very late, most likely past 12 by this point and they had all just finished doing another late night round of frustrating and pointless research. They being, Ty, Kit, Dru, Jaime, Janessa a wayward Vampire who traveled all over with her band, but was originally from LA, Thais a Brazilian Shadowhunter who was dating Janessa, and Ash, the son of Sebastian Morgenstern and The Seelie Queen who had betrayed Janus, who had tasked Ash with infiltrating the Los Angeles institute and killing Kit. However, Ash and Kit had ended up bonding immensely. This had caused Ash to essentially switch sides and work towards protecting Kit from Janus trying to kill him. There was also The Seelie Queen trying to abduct him in order to obtain control of his powers, and generally anyone else who wanted to get their hands on the first heir.

At first Ty was a little worried that Ash was in love with Kit, but the pair seemed to be very platonic, just heavily invested in one another like Kit and Janessa. And of course Ty had no business being jealous either way. He and Kit had both been engaged in various- well relationships wasn't the right word, but various flings of sorts over the past few months, but he still couldn't help but think of Kit as his.

Which didn't make any sense because Kit had left.

What made even less sense was that Ty still loved him.

Ty braced himself and then turned to face Kit. It was clear how exhausted he was from the events of the past few weeks. They were up against The Seelie Queen, Janus, The Cohort, also several supernatural disturbances that didn't make a lot of sense. Anush, his friend at the scholomance was researching the problem there. It was quite possible that it had to do with Livvy's presence.

Ty really didn't want to think about that.

He also really missed Alyssa, a new friend of his that he had met while she was studying at the scholomance. But she had left to rejoin her werewolf pack in New York. They had bonded over both being autistic, and in moments where Ty was anxious or overwhelmed he wished he could summon her to his side.

Moments like this one.

Livvy was hovering nearby, giving him a look over Kit's shoulder. Ty ignored it.

Ty nodded at Kit without fully meeting his eyes. "Fine. We can talk. Liv can you leave us alone for a moment?" He asked. Livvy scowled slightly, but did as she was told. Looking back at Kit he couldn't help but still be slightly comforted by his presence. And even though Kit was visibly worn out and stressed, he was still the most beautiful thing Ty had ever seen.

Ty did his best to remain as cold as possible. "What do you want Kit?" He asked harshly. Kit flinched slightly in response, and Ty was caught in between feeling victorious and feeling like he had just been stabbed. Kit shook his head slightly.

"Come on Ty aren't you sick of this? Don't you miss me? The way things used to be?" Kit inquired angrily. "I'm sorry I left. But I forgave you. Isn't it time you forgave me?"

Ty honestly had no words. He just continued to glare at Kit. Did Kit honestly not have a single idea what Ty was feeling?

But wasn't it obvious? How hurt he was? How utterly broken he was?

Ty took a long deep breath to keep himself calm. His fingers were aggressively flicking at his sides. Kit took his silence as a sign to keep talking.

"Look. I talked to Dru."

Seriously. Now we're involving my sister in this? As if Livvy wasn't already bad enough?

"She sort of helped me realize some things, you know" Kit continued. "She pointed out to me that I should ask you how you feel, instead of just assuming that I already know." Kit was nervously shifting back and forth on the spot.

"Wow" Ty muttered sarcastically under his breath. He looked Kit dead in the eye and spoke. "What a revolutionary concept. That I should be allowed to speak for myself for once, and not have you, Drusilla or anyone else do it for me."

Kit sighed, his eyes softening. It was in that moment that Ty was close to forgiving him.

He desperately wanted to be able to run to Kit and throw his arms around him. To hold him, and kiss him and tell him how much Ty had missed him and that he was so brave and beautiful and sweet, and that Ty belonged to him.

But Ty couldn't cave now. Not until he made Kit understand.

"I'm sorry ok?" Kit pleaded. "I get why you're pissed but-"

Ty couldn't help it. He laughed. Even though nothing about this situation was in any way humorous. "No Kit." He shook his head. "You really don't."

Kit looked a little angry at that. Fine. Ty thought. If you hurt me then I'll just hurt you back.

"Fine." Kit breathed, his voice sounding surprisingly gentle. "Then tell me."

Ty was instantly brought back to the roof of the London institute. Tell me. Tell me what you need. He willed himself not to cry.

Ty took a deep breath, glaring at Kit. "Alright. Here's the thing. I am angry. I'm so angry that I can hardly breathe and no one notices." Ty snapped.

Kit opened his mouth to interject but Ty shook his head, eyes blazing with fury and tears. "No!" He shouted. "You said your piece already. Now let me say mine."

Kit stayed silent.

"I am quite literally always dealing with everything coming at me all at once, and Kit I know this is a very horrible situation for you, but I am just as stressed as you are, because despite what you might believe, I don't want you to fucking die!" Ty screamed.

Kit looked absolutely horrified. Ty was pretty sure he had never heard him swear before.

"I'm dealing with new people, new dangers, and I might lose Livvy again. I have all of this stress, all of this sensory information bombarding me 24/7. We barely sleep! We're all constantly together when we're awake! There's no time for me to stim, no time to breathe because we are all working to rescue you from your own fate!" He shouted. "And I'll do it too! Because of course I will! "It doesn't matter if I'm angry, or stressed, or tired, or scared! It doesn't matter that you broke my heart when you left me because for some unknown reason, you thought I could handle it!" Ty cried.

Kit was shaking his head. But he didn't look angry, just devastated. "Ty" he whispered, but Ty cut him off.

"Everybody always seems to think I'm either unbreakable or far too fragile and I need to be coddled and I'm sick of it. "I'm furious with you for promising that you wouldn't leave, and then telling me that you wished you had never met me when I thought I was never going to get Livvy back" Ty sobbed.

Kit gasped. Ty noticed that his eyes were filled with tears. Kit shook his head aggressively. "Sweetheart no" he breathed. "I didn't mean that. I swear."

Ty heard himself make an unrecognizable sound. His fingers were now aggressively fluttering at his sides. He clenched them into fists to stop them from moving. Kit began to step forward then stopped himself.

"Sweetheart" Ty whispered under his breath in awe. Alyssa had once told him that what he was doing now was called sub-vocalizing. He could hear her voice in his head. When our brains get stuck on a word or a phrase because it was so shocking or we can't stop thinking about it, or it brought out a huge emotional reaction in us, then we mouth it or we say it out loud over and over again.

"Sweetheart" he mouthed, warmth overflowing his body.

"I'm- I'm sorry" Kit stammered. "I didn't mean to upset you." Ty recovered himself quickly, shaking his head.

"No it's fine" he said firmly. "You just surprised me." Kit looked down at the ground. He looked embarrassed, defeated. He looked exactly the way he looked on the beach three years ago.

No. No don't go there. He doesn't really love you.

Ty continued on. "And at least I got Livvy back in a sense, but you still left me and I didn't survive that." There were fresh tears running down his face. Exhaustion was definitely catching up with him. Ty partly just wanted to let it go and go to sleep, but he needed Kit to understand.

"You cannot under any circumstances ever tell an autistic person that you're never leaving and then go back on your word Kit!" Ty exclaimed. "This is why we all have trust issues! Because we're naive, so we let our guards down because we just want someone to choose us. Not out of pity but out of genuine love. And it wasn't like this had never happened to me before but you were supposed to be different." Ty said defeated. He looked over at Kit and waited for Kit's eyes to meet his.

Ty had always hated eye contact. Mostly because it physically hurt and made him feel really awkward, but also because it felt too open. Too vunrable. As though someone could see into his soul and know all of his secrets just by looking.

Well he had never felt that way with Kit. Or maybe he just had never cared about letting Kit really see him. All of him. And they didn't have any secrets from each other. At least not anymore. Kit looked back at him and Ty could see it all. Hurt, exhaustion, longing, and love.

Love? Ty shook his head, physically willing himself not to be sucked in.

But there was no point.

"And that's why I fell in love with you" Ty admitted.

Kit's eyes widened almost comically. He inhaled sharply staring at Ty with an expression Ty was having trouble placing. Up until tonight, Ty hadn't actually looked at Kit. He had been avoiding it for some time now. Most likely because he was afraid of what he might see. Would he recognize the person that Kit had become?

But all Ty could see now was what he had actually been avoiding from Kit all those years ago. It was that look of complete awe and adoration. Like Ty had all of the answers to the secrets of the universe.

And Ty really really really didn't.

It was painful, because as much as he was angry with Kit, he also didn't want to hurt him or let him down again.

Ty fought to keep his voice steady as he spoke. "The worst part is, in the end I know i'll probably forgive you eventually. I will do what I always do. Take the high road. Be the bigger person and let it go because I have to. Because I'm never allowed to be angry Kit, and I'm not allowed to hold grudges because everyone is always convinced that I'm overreacting." Ty said bitterly.

"So it doesn't matter that you hurt me. It doesn't matter how many nights I spent crying myself to sleep at the scholomance or how many bad decisions I made during some futile attempt to feel something other then pain, and it doesn't matter that you might hurt me again" Ty lamented. He was fully aware that he was crying, but that didn't matter anymore.

Kit was staring at him dumbfounded like Ty was speaking another language, but the pain in his eyes was clear.

Ty shrugged slightly. "I'll still love you Kit, no matter what, because that's just how I am."

Kit took a deep breath, wiping away at his tears. "Ty- I'm so sorry. I- I didn't know" he stammered. Kit slowly began to approach Ty, carefully as if he were a wounded animal. "I'm sorry I didn't think about it like that. When I told you I loved you and you didn't say anything back, I just assumed you didn't want me, that you didn't care." He was standing directly in front of Ty now, and Ty couldn't help but stare into his eyes.

Suddenly, Ty was overwhelmed with the powerful urge to touch him. To reach out and comfort him. For Ty it was almost as instinctive as breathing. Instead he just shook his head.

"That's not true, it never was" Ty said adamently. "I was torn apart. Everything with Livvy was just too overwhelming and I just couldn't lose her Kit!" He protested forcefully. "But I always cared about you. I honestly just thought you knew."

Kit paused for a moment, then slowly reached for Ty's hand. Ty didn't fight him, only watched as Kit traced the lines on his hand. After a pause, Kit looked back up at him. " You're right. I shouldn't have assumed. I should have just asked you how you felt" Kit admitted. "I'm so sorry Ty." His voice broke. "I'm so sorry for leaving, for making you feel like I didn't care." Kit lifted his other hand, the one that wasn't holding onto Ty, and placed his palm softly on the side of Ty's cheek. He shook his head, almost in disbelief.

Ty fought the urge to close his eyes and lean into it.

Kit continued. "Honestly the truth is Ty, I fucking adore you. I love you so much." Ty heard himself inhale sharply. Kit was so close now, only centameters apart. It wouldn't take much just to lean over and kiss him.

Wait.

No. Not yet.

We're not done.

Ty scoffed slightly. "Yeah you say that Kit, but at the end of the day those are just words. Pretty, empty words." Ty almost regreted it as soon as he saw the look on Kit's face. Up close he could see the heartbreak in his eyes. Ty could also see the dark circles under his eyes which were a little red. He could see the dried tears smeared across Kit's cheeks.

Ty couldn't help but look at the broken boy in front of him and hate himself a little for the damage he had clearly caused.

Look at what you did to him, a cruel voice inside him whispered.

This is what you do. You hurt people, break their hearts and make them regret ever knowing you. This is all that you are. Selfish, cold and cruel.

Ty shook it off. It wasn't true. He loved Kit, just as he loved his family and his friends. It didn't matter that there were some people who refused to see that, refused to see that just because he felt differently, didn't mean that he was unable to feel. Some days, the sheer strength of what he felt for Kit threatened to break him in half it was so powerful. It was almost too much to bare. So Ty squashed it down and pushed it to the side, molded it so that it was more manageable and less scary.

Kit let out a soft breath of air and closed his eyes, he let go off Ty and dropped his head forward so that it was resting against Ty's shoulder. Kit was slightly shorter then Ty which Ty had always found amusing. Kit, less so, but secretly one of the things Ty had always loved about their height difference was that he could tuck Kit into the nape of his neck. Ty loved the feeling of Kit's curls against his skin.

"This isn't empty Ty" he murmured, nuzzling the side of Ty's neck. "This is everything."

Kit's voice was so quiet that Ty almost didn't hear him.

Kit pulled back slightly and tilted his head up to look at Ty. They were so close that their noses were slightly touching. Kit was staring up at him through half-lidded eyes. His hands were trailing up Ty's arms, pulling slightly at the fabric of his sleeves. His lips were parted slightly, staring up at Ty with so much love in his eyes.

"Beautiful" Ty whispered under his breath.

Kit looked utterly beautiful, and before Kit had the chance to answer him Ty was pressing his mouth to Kit's in a deep passionate kiss. The moment their lips touched, Ty almost let out a sigh of relief, sliding his hands up to Kit's face to cup his cheeks. Kit made a sound that was somewhere between a gasp and a moan, opening his mouth to deepen the kiss. Ty could feel Kit's hands all over him, rubbing across his back and then finally settling on Ty's waist. Ty pulled back slightly, noticing that Kit was straining himself to reach Ty's height, pulling himself up on his tip toes.

Ty couldn't help but laugh. "You really are quite short aren't you?" He teased. Kit looked like he was about to cry so Ty kissed him again, attempting to pour all of the love he had for Kit into the kiss. He slowly moved his hands down Kit's body, then bent down slightly to lift him up. Kit wrapped his legs around Ty's waist and threw his arms around Ty's shoulders kissing him sensually. Ty clung to Kit even tighter, afraid of what would happen if they let each other go.

He remembered way back when he and Kit had first been getting to know each other and Kit had told him that he was pretty sure Ty was autistic. He had given him a bunch of articles and official clinical descriptions and terms that made Ty feel distant and afraid. But then he had recommended Ty check out posts on social media sites made by autistic people and Ty had been completely swept into it. There was an entire tag on tumblr dedicated to autism, and Ty had spent hours scrolling through the posts feeling overwhelmed in the best way possible by a sense of community and belonging.

He had come across this one blog dedicated purely to autistic love and lust and how it manifests differently. Ty remembered reading one quote in particular that had made him feel hot and shivery all over, and painfully aware of Kit's presence next to him. It had stayed with him all this time.

I want to ink myself underneath your skin.

Ty gently put him down for a moment and leaned his forehead against Kit's. They were both breathing heavily.

"I missed you" Ty whispered. Kit smiled at him beautifully.

"I missed you too sweetheart."

Edit: This is old but I'm tagging @ti-bae-rius in this because I honestly just want your opinion lol.

#kit x ty #tda #twp #tsc #kaitlin'swriting

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ill-be-istj-if-no-one-else-is · 3 years

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Hi! If you’re up for it would u mind helping me figure out my mbti type? Ok so.. I’m fine not knowing all the details of what I’m getting into. I still stress about it a lot, but deep down I think things are gonna work out eventually. i.e just moved to LA last week, lived in a friend of a friend’s apt for a few days & now living in a different friend of a friend’s place with a bunch of men I don’t know until the lease on our apt starts (which was still up in the air until a couple days ago). Don’t have a job or anything here yet I just wanted to see what it’s like

Kind of reckless ig, went on a date w some guy idk yesterday w/o sending anyone my location. I usually don’t go on dates tho bc I hate commitment, like what if someone better comes along but I was already stuck w someone else? Wouldn’t be fair to my partner if I broke up w them cuz of that, but I would be unhappy feeling stuck and unable to pursue the other person. I don’t want to be an asshole like that. Hence why I don’t date. I crave connection & intimacy but I always back out when I feel ppl getting too close

I get overwhelmed by new places/places with lots of things to look at like the inside of a department store. There are too many signs and colors and I end up getting distracted/lost. Not necessarily negative bc I like lookin around, but a pain in the ass when I’m just trying to buy like 2 things n get out.

I feel like a deer in the headlights in most social situations. I like being around ppl but I don’t know how to act or what to say especially if I don’t know them. My biggest fear is being cringe and uncool even tho I probably AM cringe and uncool. But I can put up with a lot. Rude people, messy environment, whatever. Kind of a yes woman, I’m bad at standing up for myself bc I don’t want ppl to dislike me even if I don’t particularly like them. On the other hand, getting into arguments is second nature to me. I don’t mean to start em, it just kind of happens. Constantly. I wouldn’t be able to tell someone their loud chewing is bothering me but ideas and opinions are fair game since they aren’t “real” ig?

I have a fragile ego and it makes me upset to see people my age in my field be more successful than me. It’s one of the things I’m ashamed about, as well as the fact that I know I’ll never be satisfied with a normal, quiet life. I crave novelty & respect & I’m deeply resentful that because of my socioeconomic background & unsupportive family it’s all just a pipe dream & I’m never gonna amount to anything special. I don’t do anything w/o the intention to share it when I’m done, never understood why ppl keep their creations to themselves. But I hate people seeing my process. End result only. I thrive on external motivation but when that’s missing I get depressed & can’t make myself work on any project that I used to be excited about. I think i’m a 3 or 7 if that helps

Hi anon,

I do think 3 or 7 does make sense; my guess would be 7 with a strong 3 or 4 fix.

I definitely think you are an ExxP of some sort; the openness to new experience and spontaneity and commitment-avoidance makes it hard to suspect anything else. I'm somewhat torn on Se or Ne, because you mention sensory overload (not so common with Se) but also the idea that arguing about thoughts and ideas feels more fair game because they're not real and to be honest, I'm not sure if that is more an Se trait (in that...they are not technically tangible realities) or an Ne trait (in that you want to argue about concepts but not address real things). My guess is therefore Ne, but I'd be interested in Ne or Se doms weighing in.

I also think you are probably an ExTP, so probably ENTP, in that...it's really easy to avoid arguments so if they're just happening you are doing something, and my guess is you're just sort of automatically starting debates because that is how you think - you hear an idea and counter it, not out of any malice but just because that's how you engage.

I also find that tert Fe really describes a lot of the people-pleasing/desire for coolness and lack of cringiness. Low Fi tends to just not give a shit, and high Fi tends to be focused on an identity and authenticity but less so on outside approval. I also think that ExTPs get a slightly unfair rap (and I say this with a known frustration with high Ti) for starting shit. I think for a lot of them that tert Fe really does hold them back in social situations because they do care if they are liked, and those who are more directly and deliberately confrontational and argumentative tend to have other factors involved (enneagram 8 or cp6).

So: I would start with ENTP but would not rule out ESTP, and both 7 and 3 are possible.

#mbti #entp #estp #enneagram 7 #enneagram 3

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a-dragons-journal · 4 years

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My Experiences of Nonhumanity

I get asked about “what makes you/people in general feel you’re/they’re otherkin” a lot, and while the answer is far from simple and my experiences are anything but universal, I figure it deserves a write-up once in a while. A friend asked about it a couple nights ago, so I wrote up a huge long message on Discord, and decided to rewrite it into a Tumblr post for posterity. This’ll be a long one, folks; hit J on desktop to skip.

It’s worth noting ahead of time: none of these things are required to be otherkin, and none of them automatically mean you’re otherkin. In fact, most of them are little more than mildly “weird” quirks when they occur in isolation, and only start to push outside the range of “normal human experiences” when many of them occur together. You can’t look at someone (including yourself) and say “they like collecting things, they must be dragonkin!” It’s not that simple. You have to take the individual as a whole even as you examine each specific experience in more detail - don’t lose the forest while you’re studying the trees. This is just a description of my personal experiences.

Shifts

- Phantom shifts/supernumerary phantom limbs: Probably the most obvious thing and the hardest to brush off, although I still managed to do so for years. Phantom shifts, aka supernumerary phantom limbs, are the experience of feeling limbs or body parts that do not and never have physically existed. In my case, the most common phantom limbs to show up are my wings and tail; other body parts, such as digitigrade legs, horns, snout, and paws/talons, also make appearances less frequently. While my phantom limbs almost never attempt to replicate tactile sensations/interactions with the physical world, they’re often defined by very vivid proprioception (ability to tell where your body is in space, mainly via muscle stretch receptors), and I can tell where each part of the limb is at any given time - it’s not just a shapeless sense of “weight,” or it wouldn’t be phantom limbs. I can also move them at will, typically. My phantom shifts are typically spontaneous and involuntary, but they’ve been induced artificially a couple different ways as well, though I can’t typically do it at will.

- Sensory shifts: Still not something I’m totally sure I experience, but there are definitely times my sense of smell becomes insanely strong compared to usual even for me, which fits the definition of a sensory shift.

- Astral shifts: While I’m far from an adept astral traveler, when visualizing “traveling” within my own mindscape, I shift form fluidly between human and dragon - although I almost always have wings at the very least.

- Cameo shifts: Mentioned only because it’s relevant to my phantom shifts. I realized at some point that the reason I get cameo shifts of canine/feline ears sometimes is because they usually show up when they’re pricking/flattening to express emotion, and the muscles that move to do that action are basically the same as the ones that do those actions with the crest that runs down my neck, and because of my obsession with cats/dogs/horses as a young child and because that’s not a particularly strong phantom shift for me usually, I connected the dots a little wrong and created a false association.

- Self-image: This isn’t technically a shift, but it’s going here anyway because it doesn’t really fit in any other section either. My body image/self-image is weird. I know, consciously, what I physically look like. However, my instinctive self-image is... hmm. What I “expect” to see doesn’t always match up with what’s actually there when I look in the mirror. Teeth are a huge point of fixation for me for some reason; I always expect them to be larger, sharper, stronger. I expect my neck to be longer, my face to be... different. I expect scales in places. I expect claws. Even knowing consciously that of course it won’t be there, it’s still strange sometimes that it’s not. There’s sometimes some mild disconnect when I see myself. (Sometimes not. But sometimes.)

Homesickness

(Or, the sense of missing something you’ve never had - not of “I want/want to be [x], and it makes me sad/upset that I don’t have/am not that,” but of “I should have/be [x], and it is fundamentally wrong that I do/am not.”)

- Flight: I have always wanted to fly, and for a long time I thought everyone ached for the sky the same way I did. Most people don’t, as it turns out. Yes, everyone’s fantasized about flying, but most people don’t feel bones-deep, crushing, physical pain in their chest thinking about it. Most people don’t lift up onto their toes instinctively straining for the sky. I’ve felt that aching longing for it for as long as I can remember.

- Connection to dragons: For as long as I can remember knowing about dragons, I loved the idea of them and even when I was very young, when I’d only really been exposed to media where they were the great evil for the hero to defeat and received no more character development than “evil, destructive, fire-breathing beast,” I was always on the dragon’s side and wanted to learn more about them. That hasn’t faded. I’ll watch an absolutely terrible movie or TV show that I otherwise loathe if it has good enough animation and sound design on the dragons. (Looking at you, Game of Thrones.*) I would commit arson to see one of those Isle-style dragon survival games actually go through and finish production. (Holding out hope for the Dragon Game Project on YouTube; go check them out if you haven’t already.) I’ve also used dragons to represent myself for pretty much as long as I’ve had an online presence - years before I ever heard of otherkin, I was calling myself Dragonheart.

- Dragon-like creatures: Snakes, crocodilians, and dinosaurs all fall into this category - all of them give me a similar heart-and-breathing-pick-up, aching familiarity to dragons. They’re not perfect, but in a snake’s scales and a crocodile’s bellows and a dinosaur’s spectacular reptilian size I see echoes of us and I have always loved them with a passion, even before I quite knew why.

- Dragon/”monster” noises: Sound generators, creature sound design, real animal noises, etc. that are meant to be monstrous and that most people find unsettling or even frightening, I find comforting and relaxing. Alligator bellows, “monster noise” soundscapes, etc. all apply here.

* No shade on anyone who likes Game of Thrones, I’m just not a fan. :P

Behaviors/Instincts/Urges

- Hoarding: I’m still not sure how much of the crystal thing is "monkey brain say Shiney Colorful," how much is a witch thing, and how much is a dragon thing, but some of it is a dragon thing.

- Territorial/possessive nature: I can get... extremely territorial over my stuff and my home. This can extend right into being ridiculously protective of my people too, although I do try to rein that in to a reasonable amount. This also extends into games like Capture the Flag, because put me on defending the border during middle and high school and I got frighteningly territorial. (Fun fact, this extends to spiritual protection stuff and it has almost gotten me in trouble a few times on that front.) The other main side effect is my brain trying to claim completely inappropriate things as “mine,” like every piano I have ever touched or, that one time, the entire city of Portland.

- Prey drive: Going on a walk in the woods with me will always be an exercise in stopping every twenty seconds because I heard a small animal move in the brush and froze instinctively to track it. Prey drive ranges from "okay I can indulge this enough to track-stalk-chase without actually intending to catch-kill-eat" to "this is entirely inappropriate and needs to Stop Right Now" depending on the day and the situation - sometimes it’s fairly low-key and innocent, but sometimes it's also being confronted with the sudden and completely serious/genuine thought of grabbing someone or something by the neck/around the body with your jaws and hunt-prey-kill-devour when it's completely inappropriate and kind of disturbing or even sickening. It’s one of the more annoying things, although it’s not like it’s severe enough that I’m an actual danger to anyone - it’s just a gut thought that gets filtered out at the conscious level without significant problems. This also bleeds into games (I get... maybe a little overenthusiastic during tag) and even watching TV shows or gaming videos - most of the time at least part of me is rooting for the hunter because I relate to them as a fellow predator, even if the audience is supposed to be rooting for the prey - I mean, protagonists.

- Basking/heat-seeking: Probably only partially a dragon thing, but despite the fact that I hate heat in general, radiant/sun heat and heat from a heated surface are both fantastic feelings provided the ambient air temperature isn't too high. I'm guessing this is at least partially a reptile brain thing.

- Height-seeking: Give me a chance to climb up on top of something - a rock, a cliff, a chair, a table, a bunk bed - and look out over everything else, and I'll take it in an instant. Getting to climb up on the roof is the best thing that's happened to me this entire quarantine.

- Flight instinct: Being mildly leery of cliffs not because I am afraid of falling, because I'm really not, but because there's always some part of my brain that goes "jump, fly, this is a perfect takeoff spot" and I have to squash that before I do something particularly stupid. This manifests in other ways, but that's the most dramatic (and annoying) one. This is also one of the things I noticed as definitively not normal long before my awakening. (The Grand Canyon was fun.) Similarly to the prey drive thing, it's not like I'm actually in danger of throwing myself off cliffs, it’s just - there's a not-insignificant part of my brain that thinks "hey we should go run and jump off and take a quick flight," in the same way I might also casually think "hey I should stroll across to the corner store for a bag of chips" before I consciously decide whether or not to do that. It’s the exact same type of thought process, despite the fact that one of those things is something I might do on any given school day, and the other is, you know, physically impossible.

- Combat instincts: I get in a fight and my pure instinct is to bite or claw, not kick or punch or whatever it is humans do instinctively. I have those reflexes now courtesy of Krav, but I had to train them in - if you’d thrown me into a fight before, I absolutely would have resorted to claws/nails and teeth immediately (and I still will, when pressed into a corner). Sometimes, unfortunately, this goes off completely unwarranted, either in an anger situation that does not deserve a physical response, or for no apparent reason whatsoever. It's one of the more problematic things, but once again - it’s not like it’s a compulsion, just a gut-emotion thought that gets filtered out at the conscious level.

- Scent focus: Who knows how much of this is environmental influence and how much is instinctive, but I always have and still do focus on scent more than most humans seem to. I can identify people by scent, I seem to pay more attention to it than most people do. I also seem less bothered by natural body smells than most people do, but considering the responses when I asked around in the otherkin community once about that, unclear whether or not that's connected.

- Nonhuman noises: I make just a bunch of weird nonhuman noises, and always have. Growls, hisses, croons, hurrs, throat-clicks, chirps, etc. I've never met any human who does them instinctively like I do except my half-sister (whom I didn’t meet until a couple years ago), and she was just as surprised to hear me do it as I was surprised to hear her do it.

- Affection: Face-rubbing, light head-bonking against someone’s shoulder/body/head, and love nips/bites are all perfectly acceptable ways to show platonic affection, to dragon brain. Human society disagrees. The instinct to do these things is so strong that I definitely do give into the first two with people I’m close with, and I have physically had to catch and restrain myself when I was about to unthinkingly bite/nip someone’s skin because I wasn’t paying enough attention.

- Movement: Moving on all fours just feels better than moving on two legs, even though it’s objectively physically uncomfortable because humans aren’t built for that. I also have the instinctive want to be a lot more flexible than I’m capable of being, in ways I’m not capable of being - curling all the way around something or someone to squeeze them tight in the coil of my body, turning my head a hundred eighty degrees because my neck Should Be Longer.

- Expression: Baring one’s teeth when frustrated, irritated, or angry is not a particularly human instinct. I realize it’s something a lot of primates do do, but. *gestures at society* Humans ain’t one of them, at least not anymore. Even in Krav Maga, which is a self-defense style that focuses on being vicious and “dirty fighting” to survive a real street fight, every single time I have a new partner (and most times I have a partner I’ve worked with before) and I get tired enough to get snarly, they respond with some variation of “god that’s scary”. See also: gesturing at things with my nose because it should be long enough to make that a much more dramatic gesture than it ends up being.

- Den/lair/small spaces: I never feel safer than when curled up in a tiny alcove just big enough to comfortably fit my body curled up into it. The only position I’ll prioritize over it is getting up onto a high space.

Past Life Work

Unlike every other bullet point on this list, most of these didn’t apply until I started actively seeking them out, because, you know. Past life memories are like that.

- Past life regressions: I’ve got a tag for these, but tl;dr I take anything I learn from a past life regression or similar meditation/visualization with a whole spoonful of salt, forget “a grain,” because I know for a fact my brain is very good at making stuff up with these types of exercises. Unfortunately, they’re the only way to get information on certain things, like appearance.

- Tarot: Got a tag for that too. I use tarot to ask questions and confirm or reject suspicions.

- Spontaneous memories: I don’t have many, but they’re clear as day when they do appear. I don’t count something as a “true” memory unless it includes senses I can’t reproduce through imagination - smell and touch, mainly. Mostly these are quick flashbulbs, nothing cinematic or anything like that.

- Noemata: Again, I don’t have much in the way of noemata, but what I do have is persistent and consistent. I know things about my wing shape and flight style despite not having really experienced that in detail during past life regressions. That particular set of noemata has been confirmed to fit with real-world physics and bat wing shapes (the closest wing type to mine that exists or has existed on Earth).

#think that about sums it up #otherkin #dragonkin #this got real long #long post #journaling #rani talks #feel free to reblog if you like

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like-rain-or-confetti · 3 years

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Can you do a little text with your opinion about the Volturi members? What you like and dislike, they personality, they story... Would be interesting! Kissessss and have a great day! 💜

Imma have a little fun and throw the very young me into the mix to. Let's see child me vs adult me's opinions on the Volturiiii.

Fun fact: I wasn't team Volturi until I was like fifteen. Before that I was team edward... I don't want to talk about that 🤔😒

Also I'm a sucker for villains. If it isn't obvious already, I like the villains more than the heroes. (We all love a bad boy though, don't we?--- TIK TOK NOW IS NOT THE TIMEE.)

So everything i say is just my opinion and should be taken just as that.

Aro: Younger me was like "this...is a terrible person. There really is no need to expand on this." However adult me has been like "GUYS this guy is possibly the SCARIEST character. This man rips off heads AND SMILES ABOUT IT." He gives me child snatcher vibes (from the movies in particular). I thoroughly enjoy the power hungry persona. He's really fitting to be the puppeteer behind the Volturi. Even if he makes it seem it's a group effort with himself, Marcus and Caius. Realistically, Aro gets what he wants and isn't afraid to do what it takes to get it...sorry Didyme. What's even darker about it, WHICH I LOVE, is that he isn't heartless. Smeyer wrote that Aro genuinely loved his sister. It's all good to have a character that's a evil heartless monster but what's more terrifying to me is the ability for someone to do evil despite their love and emotions. It doesn't hold them back and that's what I find particularly frightening now that child me didn't comprehend. Micheal Sheen, from what I remember of his interview years ago, played on the idea that vampires of Aro's age kinda begin to lose their mind. Which, hell freaking yes. However there is one thing I hate for Aro's character that happened in the movies. Breaking dawn part 2. That fucking laugh. Don't get me wrong, hilarious. I can't not laugh but for his character I felt it was too 'hey hey I'm a crazy man hehe'. It was a but too much, even for an eccentric Aro. However, I'm not to mad at it because again, it was funny to watch. I thoroughly enjoy the ‘friendship’ Aro and Carlisle share and i love that it is ‘maintained’ throughout the books. I think it’s just a really nice detail. (I love lore. I am a sucker for it.) The one thing that didnt sit right with me is Aro marrying someone so that he wasnt the alone one whilst his co-leaders were very much in love? Was a little off for me but i suppose that just adds to the character.

Caius: child me would shrink into the seat because what did I do to this man? High key still think I wouldn't want to be Caius' child because imagine doing something wrong and you get that glare? No thank you! Scary angry man. As an adult... "He's an angry boi but...DAYUM WHY IS HE SUDDENLY SO HOT?" Just...don't get angry with me. You'll get annoying real quick and you're too pretty for that. I enjoy the taking-no-shit attitude he has but felt it could have been a little more prominent in BDP2 where Aro asks if Caius' is challenging him. I full believe Caius to an extend would be like "yes, yes I am. Don't be an idiot Aro. Use that braincell!" Which is why I adore the meme vibes I see every now and then of Caius hating Carlisle because why does Aro love that blonde so much? CAIUS HAS BEEN NOTHING BUT LOYAL-- Anyways, I can totally get why Aro wants him on his team. Caius is so angry and has so much hatred that he’s a good asset to the coven, even if not having a special ability.I do find it hard to imagine that Caius is a century older than Aro though. Although I cant picture him over forty years old lol. Although i do personally enjoy the whole Caius x Athenodora route. IT’S TRUE LOVE! Okay so maybe thats a little dramatic but its better than Aro’s lmao.

Marcus: movie Marcus is absolutely not nineteen years old and that's just a fact. If anything, he's the forty year old one lmao. Child me couldn't care about this man. He was the man who said nothing and slumped on a throne. That was Marcus. That was his character summed up. Then adult me rolled in and OMG NO DON'T DO THIS TO THIS SWEET MAN. LET HIM BE IN LOVE. As an adult i definitely became more attached. I feel like i was too young back then to get why Marcus was in the Volturi. He seemed very out of place and like a filler co-leader more than anything. However as i’ve gotten older (and written for him), I recognised that's the point. That’s Marcus’ evident grief. He isn’t there by choice and losing Didyme caused him to fall out of line with the coven. He’s lost point or purpose. Almost like its become meaningless because the love of his life was gone and he couldn't save her.So what was the aims of the Volturi to protect vampire kind when they couldn’t protect their own? He couldnt protect her. I had never heard of anything like bond identification and once i had- i was shook, like it became clear why he had been so necessary in the first place. That really is handy to understand everyones bonds in a coven, he could direct Chelsea and the two alone could destroy covens by bonds alone. Marcus makes the Volturi more realistic in a lot of ways. Like in a family, there is the happy times, goofy people like Felix, the twins representing a close bond. Afton and Chelsea, love that cant be divided. The list really goes on. Marcus represents love and heartbreak, pain, loss grief, the sad moments every family goes through. In that way he makes the coven seem less invincible, a group of people who at the end of the day, have their own weaknesses and immortality doesn’t mean a perfect existence. Especially when, in my opinion, Bella fantasized about immortality and how perfect it would be. Even after her change, she waited for her happy ending because that was somehow guaranteed in some level. Which in the end, she got but not everyone gets that happy ending we all want. I also personally think Marcus is the most feeling of the Volturi, despite being apathetic. A result of heartbreak. It’s shown he can still feel more in his own ways when he voted against Renesmee being destroyed. Furthermore, he advocated that vampire hybrids were a lot like vampires. He made that relation openly before anyone. Its almost as though losing Didyme helped him value a life?

Jane and Alec: Child me thought these two were badass...and that still remains in my adult life. It’s always been uncomfortable to me that someone so young is so sadistic and powerful. Jane is the older twin with the ability of pain illusion...yikes. Her ability was evident in her human life along with Alec’s. His gift is sensory deprivation and these two were my favourites in the whole Saga. Still kind of are if im honest. I thoroughly enjoy the twins backstory. It has the most detail. I have a tag for the twins. Canon!twins is the tag for the twins in their book age. Unless this tag is present, the twins have been aged up :). They are very much canon but I put a bit more emphasis on tantrums. If they get angry, they both have tantrums. So whilst (unless tagged) they aren't children they can be very childish and these tantrums are pretty deadly. They’re also very possessive? I dont even know if thats the right word i’m looking for in all honesty. Lets say they get very attached if they like you. These two are probably the most secluded out of the whole Volturi.

Felix: Felix! High ranking guard due to strength and speed. I am a major supporter of Felix being a gladiator when he was human. He as a lighter grey cloak meaning he isn’t as high ranked but is so good at what he does that he’s been kept for centuries...and a lot of them. Personality? FINALLY, WE’VE GOT ONE WITH PERSONALITY!! (Im writing these out of order and i’ve just finished a chunk of Volturi members who have personalities as invisible as Afton.) Flirtatious and Light hearted, we love flirtatious and light hearted! Basically a comedian! Helllll yes, keep it going! Extremely vicious and highly aggressive? You know what? I still like it. He wouldn’t be a Volturi without a dark side. Cold blooded murderer. Yes. 10/10. Finally, someone Smeyer seems to actually care about. He flirted with Bella a couple of times in the books and i was FOR IT ALL THE WAY. I was very sad i saw none of it in the movies but im used to heartbreak by now. Im in this fandom after all. We were robbed of a lot. Strongest vampire in the world? I believe you, he’s also a hecking treeeeee. HE DO BE A TALL BOI. He actually makes Demetri look small and that’s still hilarious to me. Demetri is actually tall. However, if it isnt obvious we clearly traded backstory for personality. I cant get both smh. So...as i said before I fully believe Felix was a gladiator back in the day, hence his physique and height and excellent fighting abilities he has even as a vampire but then it kind of ends. I will say from the dawn of time, i don’t think Felix is the most academic man, just because of his era. I also think majority of the Volturi couldn’t read of write in their human lives and had to learn much older, most learning as vampires. Felix was one of these vampires, Although even now he isnt the most great at it. Then a wonderful writer known as @wallwriterstuff included it and now it’s canon in my eyes. I fully believe Felix is a slow reader and writing isn’t his strong suit either. Wallwriter also includes the possibility that Felix could be dyslexic which im all for too. For a very long time i’ve considered writing a dyslexic reader with the Volturi but have always hesitated because i don’t have it and wouldn’t want to upset someone for any misunderstandings or inaccuracies. However what i will say is that i think vampires would be the most understanding to humans with dyslexia. Learning things like that in later development or as an adult is difficult and they wouldnt think any less of you for struggling with reading, writing, numeracy- you name it. You’ll probably find they’re with you in the struggle at least half of the time. He’s also the goofball of the Volturi, even though he’s not really a goofball in our eyes, he’s the closest to a goofball out of the whole Volturi ...Emmett beats him in the Goofball wars.

Demetri: Oh yeah, it's Demetri's turn! So Demetri was previously in Amun's coven. When Chelsea gave him the old razzle dazzle...I've said Chelsea's gift so many times at this point it's getting old. I have two characters left after Demetri 😂😂 Anyway, with that Demetri was like "welp, I'm in the Volturi now." And now that they had a better tracker the previous one was kicked out. He isn’t much of a talker, polite and formal. He’s elegant (more graceful than i could ever be) and charming...yeah he is, you can say that AGAIN. He is also very calm, when next to Felix, i think everyone is calm but you know, we’ll say he’s a very calm person. I like how he was originally in the Egyptian coven with Amun. Given Amun’s goals this a pretty nice detail. NOW LETS GO TO MY VERSION. He’s very charming, calm, polite, formal and even a lil’ but quiet, i kept him pretty canon because he actually had a description to go on :)))))))))) Moving on. Demetri can be a very successful flirt when he wants to be and does have a Casanova reputation. However beyond the charming Volturi guard who has a brutal side like the rest of them, he has a chewy centre, deep down. I added that he had a child in his human life, one he doesn’t remember and very few people know about. He remembers that they died of an illness very young (around six?) but can’t remember what they look like. For that reason he doesn’t like talking about his child, he feels awful he doesn’t remember them and the loss still hits a pang in his chest.

Heidi: Alright im ready for this one! Child me didn’t necessarily enjoy Heidi? I was rather passive about her. It was all ‘pretty vampire used for her looks’ in my eyes back then and i was never comfortable with that. I’ll get into my take on Heidi in a moment, roll on the backstory! So Heidi knew Victoria as they used to be coven mates and we’re going to continue on as though Heidi didn’t care when she was killed? Like...its genuinely a burning question in my mind! If she didn't care, could that show the extent of Chelsea’s power in action!? (can we tell im enthusiastic about this coven yet?) It’s quite smart to have someone lure in prey. I wont lie, Heidi has quite the badass role in the coven. I wouldn't have thought about that I reckon. I’ve always thought that showed a kind of superiority. Oh you guys need to hunt your prey? pfft, ours literally comes to us. Her backstory really starts with Heidi being mistreated in her human life...a common theme Smeyer has. It can get old- i wont lie but when i give it some thought it kind of makes sense. Rosalie said it herself in eclipse, if any one of them had their happy ending, they’d be six feet under but i’d love a little bit more creativity. I could go on about how male vampires ended up being changed in comparison to female vampires but i’ll swiftly move on because that’s a whole other thing alone. Heidi was changed out of pity. (Which kinda infuriates me just to type, a pity change? Really? Really Hilda? we’ll see why it annoys me when i explain my take on Heidi.) Heidi was happy in her coven with Hilda, Victoria etc, which is hell yes. We love that. This is around the time she discovered her gift. Vampires were attracted to her and humans fell prey to her easily. Yup okay. I’ll take that. After a newborn vampire caused ‘too much attention’ Aro spared Heidi and Chelsea used her gift on Heidi. Nice, very nice aaaaand that’s where it stops and im left hanging. Personality time with Smeyer! Lets goooo. From what i remember and can find- she didn’t fucking have one. Apparently being pretty is enough for everyone. Which in hindsight, fair enough on a human Bella’s perspective, its literally Heidi’s gift to lure you in no matter what. She could tell you she’s a serial killer (and technically is lmao) and is about to sell your kidneys on the black market as to which you’ll be like ‘sign me the fuck up, want my liver too? Here, let me lie on the table for you. I’m down.’ without even realising what just happened. But even beyond that...Heidi has no personality traits mentioned. In New Moon she appears to be a little flirty which im all for, why the hell not? But...thats it? Thats all I get? Then we get into fanfictions, because i read them growing up. Heidi was depicted as flirtatious, promiscuous and then it varied between manipulative or she wasnt very smart. Which i’m knocking absolutely no one for. I think you can get a badass character who is incredibly dumb. I think all characters are actually valid whether they’re a genius or flat out dumb. I love them all. However it never really sat with me. I was never quite satisfied which i was fine with until i started writing for myself. That’s when i knew i’d have to really think about what my version of Heidi would be or i’d never be happy with my work. That and you also begin to fill in the blanks? The more you write the more you flesh out a character for yourself and so that rolls into my version of Heidi! So for my Heidi, she often gets the same trope of ‘she’s pretty and rich, those types of girls have easy lives who always had everything given to them.’ Then when it’s discovered she didn’t have a good human life. It turns to the next assumption of ‘oh she’s pretty and stupid enough to be used and manipulated’. In a lot of ways, that’s what Heidi wants everyone to think. Underestimate her, please, its all the easier to manipulate you if you do. She’s actually very smart and her rough human life made her more tough and intelligent. She’s very manipulative and yes she’s very flirty. You can look but you cant touch! She enjoys the attention her beauty gets her but if only these people would care more about what she’s like as a person. She’s not a barbie doll she will play you if she needs to. The only one who’s actually gotten far enough to sleep with Heidi is Demetri and even then the two don’t see each other romantically. They’re good friends who thinks the other is very attractive but that's where it ends. They’re basically friends with benefits some times lmao. However, Demetri got that far because he see’s the intellect Heidi actually has and acknowledges it. He thinks shes a queen who should be treated as such. She could take anything she wanted, a storm that people can only hope to survive in one piece. Secretly she enjoys a family setting. Whilst she never really wanted children (especially when she was expected to when human), she couldn't help but melt inside seeing little human children with their loving parents. She wants that for all children. Whether that's because she lacked such affection growing up, no one knows. She’s also a really good friend, you bet she’ll have your back. Crappy ex? Well we’ll show them, wont we (Y/N)? She’ll be a bitch and enjoy every second of it. She also loves the single life, believe it or not, you’ll have more difficulty getting Heidi to settle down than you would Demetri which speaks volumes. So yeah, move past her gift and really get to know her and you might have a very good friend. I also don’t see Heidi having a preference between male or females and that’s in all honesty. Times have changed and if she is attracted to another female then she wont be ashamed of it. She never has been (Demetri was the first to figure that out, Felix may be the last.) Even when the times weren’t approving of different sexualities, she didn't care. She will flirt with you and find it ridiculously cute if you get flustered.

Sulpicia: Sulpicia was an orphan which i used to develop my own version of her. Sulpicia grew to love Aro which im on the fence about but yup, i’ll take it. You’ll see what happens with my version in a bit lmao. and that’s where it stops. I get no personality again but do you know what we do in this fandom? We create one and fill in the blanks baby! So i write Sulpicia very materialistic and vain, she’s most snobbish of the wives and due to the other two, also considered the meaner one. She didnt have such things as a child being an orphan so when she got the opportunity to have it-she jumped. She isnt easily impressed and married Aro not for love but for immortality, money and status. (He’s only married you for your money, princess Jasmine! HE ONLY MARRIED YOU FOR YOUR MONEY! Damn it tik tok, but make it princess Aro) Which works well, because Aro doesnt necessarily love her either, he just wanted a mate so he wasnt the odd one out.He literally created her because he was like “Yup, you’ll do.” The two recognised they made a great team and image so they kinda grew to love each other? A little bit? Sure we’ll say its love...sorta. ANYWAY, It’s a highlight to Sulpicia being locked in that tower where she doesnt need to see Aro every little moment, it’s better than having a husband who she’d need to see everyday. ...Yeah my Sulpicia is something else lmao.

Athenodora: Athenodora is one of the oldest vampires in existence which kinda has me shook but I'll take it. She met Caius when he was fleeing from the Romanians, the two travelled together until they met Aro. Whilst on their nomadic travels they seemingly became mates. That's all we know about that. As to which the Volturi coven was made. Athenodora is completely loyal to Caius as well as highly dependent on him and I think that's very realistic given her circumstances. That's where their story ends...maybe for Smeyer but not for me! 😁 So I picture Caius and Athenodora being different sides of the same coin. Athenodora really mellows Caius, she is no where near is violent and sadistic as he is but due to her unwavering loyalty and dependency, she doesn't feel inclination to go against him...also because of Chelsea and Corin but I've said that so many times in this post I think we get the point. I think she's actually more gentle and soft spoken but that being said. She is very reserved and if she were to be angered she'd very much change. She could cut you down with words alone. Caius loves it. However beyond this is someone who is very maternal. Caius would appreciate it more if the two had children but instead it has created empathy. Caius doesn't want that when he can rip their head off. She struggles a little more with the 'no second chances' and that's another reason why Caius keeps her locked away and away from it. These two love each other more than words can describe. After being through so much with someone, the love can only grow. The two would happily risk their life for the other. Caius is saddened that he could never give her the family she wanted. He knows that to this day, Athenodora tries to reign in that side of her. He's a very supportive husband who's very different around his wife. He's much more tolerant, and angry. Simply more at ease. If anything happened to Athenodora, to put it simply...there would be hell to pay.

Didyme: Married to Marcus and Aro’s biological sister. Cute, me likely, keepy going. Her gift was happiness induction. VERY ADORABLE- Dont be as menacing as your brother...please. She was born several years after Aro and was changed by Aro ten and a half years after he was turned. (Dont tease me with all this lore Smeyer, I know what you’re gonna do) Aro was deeply disappointed her gift was just to make people happy- its okay Didyme, we love you. Aro is just...Aro. Her gift made many fall in love with her and its so freaking cute i CANT- but she only felt the same feelings for Marcus. MY HEART IS SO WARMMMM. Unfortunately they were so happy together that they lost interest in anything Volturi and were ready to leave. (Uh oh.) Aro, being the sneaky fellow he is, was like “I’m really happy for y’all of course you can leave. I love you my babies. My best friend and my sisterrrrrrr, I am the captain of this SHIP.” but was actually like “wait, no, no, no, not my Marcus. D-D-Did-Didyme I NEED him.” Think Sid the Sloth from ice age in the first movie when Sid really wants the baby. So this man is like...gonna have to do it to em and murder. He killed Didyme secretly (dunno how he pulled the secret part off- like i know how he did it but how did no one hear or see anything or even suspect anything IT WAS LITERAL FRIENDLY FIRE but we love the drama so continue.) Ironically enough she was very close with Aro and the two actually did love each other, Aro is just...murderous apparently, to the extent that even his sister isnt safe. And that’s it. That’s Didyme. Which im like...alright Smeyer i see you. I like this and expanded on this with my Didyme. i get the vibes that Didyme is the most innocent and kind of all the Volturi. Losing her meant losing the consciousness within the Volturi making them all the more ruthless because there was no one to say. “Guys, maybe lets rethink this? and quickly because i cant get Caius to put down the torch thats currently on fire.” Losing Didyme made Marcus mostly become passive and would rarely stop anything that happened. I often wonder if that provoked a lot of guilt for Marcus later on. (However thats a spoiler for something im currently writing...;) ) I also think of her as a major daydreamer and the most soft, gentle person anyone will ever meet. Like its difficult not to like her despite being in the Volturi, even the Romanians would have struggled if they met her. So in the long run...i hate nothing about Didyme, only find more and more love lmao.

Corin: So im going to be honest and tell you i have no idea what Corin would look like. I’ve got nothing and when i was younger i wasnt even sure if Corin was male or female. Like a lot of these names, i had never heard of the name ‘Corin’. I dont write for her as of yet because im still trying to figure her out. I think she’s quite quiet, she lets her gift do most of the work for her in keeping the wives, Chelsea and Caius when he doesnt get to go on a rampage, content. She was brought in also after Didyme died but Marcus refused her gift.That’s all i’ve got for her. Her gift is amazing, pretty underrated in my personal opinion since like Chelsea, she really helps keep the Volturi unified but other than that, I dont have much to say about her. :(

Afton: Another character i basically filled the blanks in for myself. So what we’re told is that he’s Chelsea’s mate and has the ability to disappear . Whilst thats a pretty cool trick...the volturi dont necessarily need it but they have to keep Chelsea happy and she demands that Afton stays so welcome to the family Afton! I also recently learned that if you hide behind Afton and he goes invisible infront of an opponent, you too will also be invisible. I figure that is until the opponent moves and basically changes their perspective but i could be wrong with that last part. That’s all we get so time for my unnecessary input! SO AFTON IS A TOTAL SWEETHEART. He’s very shy but polite. This is a complete opposite to his mate Chelsea. It’s actually what she liked about him. At first is was just be flirtatious to the shy vampire but when she actually got to know him... she fell hard. It was also Chelsea who had made the first move since Afton was so shy. Of course she’d never say so and Afton would never want to embarrass her so that was never really disclosed to anyone who wasn’t around at that time. She brings Afton out of his shell a lot and it wasn’t long before the two were mates. Chelsea is the light of his life. Hands down. He puts up with a lot for her and is happy to do so. She could ask anything of him and he’d do it and she doesn’t even need to use her gift. He buys are anything she wants almost instantly. He cant help but adore her passionate personality, like how hooked she can get on era’s such as the 1920′s, her love for jazz music and her ability to gush on and on about anything. The two had what the other lacked and that made them an excellent team. I love their relationship. I cant help it. However, as i said before Afton is very shy and tends to keep to himself. Sadly that, paired with Chelsea’s demand to keep him in the Volturi has left Afton a little bit outcasted. All the other permanent guards were wanted and considered important whilst Afton...not so much. Although that isn’t to say the other guards are mean to him or anything. They aren’t! (Except the twins who are...the twins.) Felix and Demetri tried to include him a lot but it was very difficult to break him out of his shell. That doesn’t mean to say they wont invite Afton when he’s around. Chelsea always appreciates their efforts. Afton is notably good friends with Santiago, who often preferred solitude as well.

(Guard to the left is who I imagine Afton is)

Chelsea: So supposedly Chelsea’s original name is Charmion? When i was younger i didnt really care much about her. I only really knew her gift and that she was the reason Afton was kept in the Volturi, since they were mates. From what im aware Chelsea basically wasnt in the movies/not identified. There wasnt much said about her in the books either. So since then i’ve kind of developed my own persona of Chelsea that could be completely inaccurate to canon but canon was my foundations with characters like these. She was always a red head in my eyes with ringlets, a copper kind of red head. I also pictured her to be small. However the newest addition to her character would have to be the mid-Atlantic accent. I blame Poppy Hill for this one. That character screamed Chelsea to me. She was very close to how i imagine Chelsea to be. So now Chelsea has an accent that i have no clue how she managed to maintain being in Italy so long and being born in Greece. LMAO. We’ll say she was very attached to that time. However, I think the time she joined the Volturi was actually very good for the story. She first came around just after Marcus had lost Didyme and Aro had her use her ability to keep Marcus in the coven. it’s really cool how she could really make or break the coven. Although, Aro was smart enough to not fully rely on her, using Corin’s ability on Chelsea to make sure she’d be happy and stay within the Volturi. Thats where the information on Chelsea really ends Over the years Chelsea has appeared in my writing and so beyond this point, Chelsea’s character is only my depiction. I figure Chelsea is a talker, like she can talk her way in and out of situations with ease. She enjoys being manipulated and even more so, being needed.Much like her gift, she gets under people’s skin- not in terms that she’s annoying but more so she can figure out people very well. Her mate is the complete opposite and so she often speaks on the behalf of them. Chelsea is very social and charismatic. She along with Heidi are the only two Volturi members who will be out and interacting with humans if necessary. Heidi for her ability but Chelsea purely for her social skills. She’s also the most interested in human culture. She loves the parties- the 1920′s being her favourite era in terms of fashion. She has no issue changing her name and has done so multiple times when the names run out of fashion.It’s like playing dress up! I’d actually love to write more about her. I’ve really grown to love her character, even if i filled in some blanks for myself. I think she and Afton’s relationship is one of the best, up there with Carlisle and Esme- despite the two being very different. It’s a part of their dynamic!

(I always imagined Chelsea to be a red head but Poppy Hill from THOHH is a very close depiction to Chelsea in my eyes)

Renata: A stressed little bean that lives on stress. I remember thinking when i was younger she was the big threat since she was Aro’s shield but now that im older i see...a stressed little five foot bean. I have no idea what she looks like but always imagine her dark hair tied in a tight bun, looking almost painful. Another who wears heels, like Heidi but she is very rigid just as she has been described. Her uncle is a bit of an ass considering he begged her to go with the Volturi so there wouldn’t be a threat. Dude, can you not just...hand over your niece? At least hesitate! Just like that, thanks to Chelsea, she’d give her life to protect Aro and...I have nothing else. Yes it does drive me mad that there are two named guards i know next to nothing about.

Santiago:So what’s known about Santiago is that he doesn’t actually have an ability. He’s just very good at battle techniques and fighting which is why he’s kept around. If they need fighters, they’re top three are Felix, Demetri and Santiago...in that order. Santiago is also much faster than a regular vampire (as shown in breaking dawn part 2- he caught up to Jacob and Renesmee quite fast despite the two having a running start and wolves supposedly being very fast- much like a vampire) That’s all we know of him so then i got in there and this is how I write Santiago. I gave him the background of coming from a superstitious family. Like he would be told tales of demons and witches growing up as well as things like voodoo. He knew an awful lot of urban legends and whilst he stopped believing in the bad luck his family taught him, he still held interest and couldn’t help the instinct of unease when witnessing such things as rituals. It’s ironic really. However Santiago always deems that humans have it all wrong. These forces are beyond human understanding and shouldn’t be played with. In that way, perhaps Santiago still has some belief in things such as superstition. He’s very secretive about it and would never clarify it for you. Santiago keeps to himself and can be quite standoffish. He can also be blunt even if it’s insulting- he doesn’t tend to care. Although he and Afton became quite good friends since the Afton was an outcast and Santiago didn’t enjoy large groups, or most people in general.

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punksarahreese · 3 years

Text

Grey | 4 mg Ativan

Nosdecember day 25 | @neworleansspecial

Anxious!Ava; Ava’s comfort sweater

CW: sensory meltdown/overload, dermatillomania mention, self injury stim (hitting)

Merry christmas to anyone who celebrates ❄️💙

***

Ava woke up on this particular day and immediately wanted to go back to bed. Everything felt wrong, slightly off in some way, but she couldn’t figure out why. The first indication that it was going to be a bad day was the overwhelming sense of dread that she felt from being under the plush comforter. Usually blankets helped her feel safe, her favourite place to hide when she was anxious, but this morning she found herself kicking them off in frustration. She was glad Sarah wasn’t in bed at the time because she didn’t want to disturb her, she just needed to get the feeling to go away. She never wore pants to bed for that reason, hating the way things felt against her legs, like she was being constricted. Due to this, pants were a sensory nightmare for Ava but unfortunately they were necessary in everyday life.

She didn’t notice the way she immediately started toe walking on her way to the bathroom, heels never touching the floor. It was a habit she had had since she was a child, never knowing it was a symptom of sensory issues in adulthood, and was the primary cause of her recurrent ankle strains. She hated the way most floors felt and wanted her steps to be as quiet as possible, so she was almost always walking with her weight on her toes. It didn’t stop her from flinching at the feeling of the cold linoleum on her feet though, she hated the way it squeaked when she moved too quickly.

It took her awhile to do her hair, every gentle brush sent little shocks across her scalp, like a million pinpricks. She hated this feeling, the way it made her head fuzzy and feeling like someone was doing acupuncture against her will. It wasn’t supposed to happen, she knew that, but it did and she couldn’t make it stop. She decided that curling her hair wasn’t an option, settling for a quick french braid even though the feeling of her own fingers in her hair made her anxious.

She managed to brush her teeth and wash her face with no issue. The discomfort arose again when she tried to get dressed, though. She crept back to the bedroom, flinching when her braid brushed against her neck in a way that didn’t feel right. That day would be hell, she guessed, unsure of how she would even manage to handle putting on shoes let alone surgical gloves. She had set out a pair of scrubs the night before, folded neatly on top of the dresser, but Ava didn’t even want to pick them up at that point. She managed to pull the offending fabric up her legs, hating the way the scrub pants clung to her hips. She already wanted to cry, frustrated with her own mind for being so dramatic.

Sarah had been in the kitchen, going over case notes from that week and nursing a cup of coffee with way too much Splenda. She was tired, it had been a long four days, and she was looking forward to her day off that Saturday. She still needed to get through Friday first though, but she was waiting on her girlfriend so they could carpool to work. She had heard Ava in the bathroom, assuming she was just getting dressed, but she seemed to be taking longer than usual. The surgeon liked to be punctual so Sarah decided to check on her, intending on reminding her of the elective surgery she had that afternoon.

Sarah wasn’t shocked to happen upon the sight she did, though she felt her heart sink a little. Ava was on the floor in front of their full length mirror, clad in her scrub pants but still topless. The shirt in question was in her hands but she was holding it away from her as if it would bite her, which in Ava’s state of mind the concept was believable. Her girlfriend must have caught her reflection in the mirror because she turned to look at Sarah, frustrated tears welling in her eyes.

The psychiatrist was on the floor with her in seconds, taking the scrub top from her gently. When the hated fabric left her hands Ava couldn’t hold back her tears, shaking out her hands aggressively as if it would help her forget the texture.

“Avey, breathe,” Sarah reminded her gently, knowing she was probably way too far in her head at that point.

“T-too much…”

“I know,” she agreed, gently taking her hand when she saw the way her fists kept clenching and unclenching. That stim usually indicated that Ava’s derma was kicking in, the surgeon trying her hardest to avoid scratching at her skin. When her sensory issues acted up any texture could make her feel like she was covered in bugs, the only remedy her brain could come up with was to scratch until her skin was raw. It didn’t help, usually it only made the bad feelings worse, but in the moment she found it almost painful fight the urge.

“Hey, look at me,” Sarah coaxed her to meet her eyes, “What do you need, Ava?”

“D-don’t know…” Ava mumbled and tried to focus on the soothing feeling of Sarah’s thumb running over the back of her hand, “Need to… w-work.”

“Baby, we both know that won’t be a good idea today,” she replied gently, “This won’t get better if you push yourself.”

Ava huffed, annoyed once again that her sensory disorder was getting in the way of normal life. The last meltdown she had before a surgery had landed her in Goodwin’s office after she was discharged, the other woman chastising her for trying to work while not stable. She was trying to get Ava to agree to occupational therapy, even threatened to suspend her if she had another meltdown; as if Ava could control that. She knew therapy would probably help but she hated the idea of it. She was already seeing Doctor Charles every month, any more would feel suffocating and like she was admitting defeat. She didn’t like appearing weak, even though that’s all she felt as of late.

“S-sweater?”

Sarah nodded, “You want your sweater? I think it’s in the closet.”

The crewneck they were referring to wasn’t even Ava’s, not originally. It was Sarah’s, one from her medical school days, but Ava had immediately taken to it. It was grey, with the school logo in the centre, but it was the softest fabric either of the women owned. It always smelled like Sarah’s perfume, probably because she made sure it did since it kept Ava calm. More often than not it was the blonde who was wearing the thing anyway, affectionately dubbed her comfort sweater or just “her sweater”, it made her feel safer than anything else. Whenever she had a bad sensory day, that sweater was one of the only articles of clothing she could handle. It reminded her of Sarah and that made Ava feel better on even her worst days.

After a few moments, Sarah had coaxed her onto the bed again. She helped her out of her scrubs, knowing the pants would only make her more agitated if she left them on. The second Sarah handed her the sweater she adored so much, Ava pulled it over her head, fingers clinging to the cool-grey fabric tightly. She couldn’t help but smile when she visibly relaxed a bit; it wasn’t much but it was a start.

“I’m going to go call in, okay?” Sarah told her gently, “Then we can sit or take a nap, whatever you need.”

Ava nodded, mind still a little fuzzy. She didn’t feel okay yet, she knew it was never that easy, but the familiar soft fabric helped. She ran her fingers up and down her arm, a repetitive, self-soothing motion that kept her occupied. She was scared to lay down, afraid the invisible bug sensation would return if she tried to get comfortable. So she just stared at the wall, waiting for Sarah’s comforting presence to return.

Unfortunately, something still wasn't right. All of a sudden, a sinking feeling of dread hit Ava again and she felt like she was suffocating. Her hands immediately went to her throat, searching for any exposed skin because she needed to feel in control of something. She stopped herself before she could scratch or pick at the delicate area though, frustrated because she knew if Charles saw any wounds at her next session he would try to up her medication again. She still couldn’t control herself completely, needing to do something to get this horrible feeling to go away. Before she even thought of the consequences, Ava’s hands found her head and she hit herself repeatedly, as if she was trying to beat the thoughts away. This never ended well, knowing self-injury stims were all bad and only fed the anxiety, but she couldn't help it.

“Ava, no,” Sarah’s voice was barely audible to her though, not even noticing her there until she grabbed her hands. Ava tried to fight it, yanking against her hold and whining in both frustration and pain because she felt like she needed to stim like this. Her girlfriend didn’t waver though, holding onto her wrists loosely as she spoke firmly but not in an unkind tone.

“You know I can’t let you hurt yourself, Avey. I’m sorry, just breathe. The urge will pass.”

“No!”

“Ava, my love, look at me,” it took a bit more coaxing before the other woman could make eye contact. She was crying again, upset with herself and completely overstimulated. Everything was way too much and she didn’t know how to stop it. Her head ached from crying and from hitting herself and she was ashamed of her behaviour. She just wanted it to end and she told Sarah that much.

“I know,” she answered carefully, “But hurting yourself doesn’t help anyone. Do you want to lay down?”

After a bit of hesitation, Ava nodded, loosening the tight fists she had her hands clenched in. She let Sarah lay her down, gently tugging on her wrist to let her know she wanted her to stay. She was still crying, cheeks red and she was shaking a little, but Ava wasn’t showing any more anger with herself. She was exhausted and probably well on her way to a shutdown, so Sarah wanted to make sure she was as comfortable as possible.

“Is this okay?” Sarah asked carefully as she laid on her side of the bed, keeping space between them initially so she didn’t overwhelm Ava.

There was a lull in any response, leaving Sarah unsure if Ava was going nonverbal or just trying to think before she answered. Ava did turn her head to look at her, reddened eyes blinking rapidly to force herself to focus. Her girlfriend gave her a reassuring smile, which widened when she reached for her hand.

“B-blanket?”

“Which one do you want, love?”

Sarah was confused when Ava shook her head, “No.”

“No?”

Another tug on her wrist and a mumbled, “You,” made Sarah understand, unable to stifle a small laugh. Ava had a weighted blanket for situations like this, where she was overwhelmed and needed to feel secure. The gentle pressure did help sometimes but she often complained that the beads inside it dug into her skin or the silky blanket was too cold. Sarah knew Ava just preferred to have her be her “blanket” instead, calmed by the close contact and even pressure of Sarah laying on her. She never complained of course, anything to make her girlfriend feel better; besides, it was comfortable for her too.

Climbing across the mattress, Sarah giggled when Ava tugged her down. She teased her for being impatient, settling down on her girlfriend so she wasn’t putting too much weight on her in one spot. She felt Ava relax a little under her, cold hands snaking under her Gaffney fleece to keep warm and also hold Sarah closer.

“Better?”

Ava nodded slowly, breathing out as if she was trying to regulate herself again, and offering Sarah a weak smile. Sarah just leaned down to kiss her cheek gently, reassuring her that she was doing well. The blonde did feel better, though there was still that nagging anxiety in the pit of her stomach. That wouldn’t go away for a while, she knew that, but being with Sarah did help. When her girlfriend rested her head on her shoulder, drawing repetitive patterns over the soft grey fabric covering her side, Ava felt safe. Slowly she relaxed enough to let her eyes fall shut, exhausted from the sensory overload that had decided to plague her before the day even began.

“Take a rest, baby,” Sarah said softly, “I’m not going anywhere.”

#me 🤝 Ava #having meltdowns because we can’t exist without something touching us #ava bekker #sarah reese #reesker #my aus #4 mg ativan #anxious!ava #mutuals #neworleansspecial #nosdecember #userglow #derma tw #meltdown tw #ask to tag #my-writing

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starshineandbooks · 4 years

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Come away with me, One last adventure? Chapter four

In which they open gifts and manage to completely miss Logan’s soulmark

Chapter one Chapter Two Chapter Three

AO3

Spotify playlist for cD roman is given

words - 1644

Roman wakes to a cold bed and a missing Logan, that is upsetting to his gay disaster heart and friend senses. He sits up quickly, to listen for any sign of logan, instead finding a note on his nightstand.

‘Roman, I have gone out on a walk after a series of bad dreams, I will likely be back by the time you wake up but if not feel free to text me. I’ll grab breakfast while I am out.’

Roman does feel free to text Logan, “Hey where are you?”

Logan doesn’t respond, but the door opens two minutes later, revealing Logan holding a drink carrier and a pastry bag, “Good morning Roman.”

“Happy birthday!” Roman smiles, “Did you discover your soulmark?”

“Nothing.” Logan says swiftly, “I woke up at midnight, and I found nothing, no mark at all.”

“O-oh.” Roman blinks, “That’s uh-”

“It’s fine. Just- Don’t touch me right now. Bad sensory day.” Logan sighs, shaking his dark, black hair out of his face.

“Okay.”

“I have caffine and breakfast.” Logan sighs, “And a lack of apparent soulmate.”

“Logan-”

“It’s fine,” Logan shakes his head, “I suppose I am just a little bitter.”

Roman’s lips purse, almost a pout, and Logan can’t find it in himself to chide himself for wanting to kiss those unfairly pretty lips. Logan sighs, setting the bag down and handing Roman a coffee, not meeting his friend’s eyes, careful to make sure he doesn't touch Roman’s hand at all, saving himself the pain for today.

Roman can’t help letting his eyes roe over all of Logan’s exposed skin, he’s never been able to, but he desperately wants to find where someone else will take away what Roman loves so dearly, where a soulmate will mark Logan as theirs forever.

Roman hates to think of that, but he hates even more to think that Logan, who deserves the world, wouldn’t get the exact soulmate he wants. Roman also hates the idea that if likely factual, that when Logan finds his soulmate -because surely the beautiful nerd has one- that he will leave for college and forget about Roman.

Roman knows Logan will promise not to if it was brought up, but Roman also knows that when you fall in love the rest of the world, no matter how bright, isn’t as important.

“Stop your moping Roman, it’s a lack of soulmate, not a lack of soul.”

“That can’t be right.” Roman counters, “Everyone has a soulmate!”

“That’s what Disney says, that’s what the cards say Roman, but this is real life, not everything works out perfect.”

“I know that!” Roman sighs, softening his voice, “I know that okay, God above do I know that L.”

“Well… Good. Now, drink your caffeinated death before it gets cold.” Logan’s voice is distant, as he moves to drink from his own styrofoam cup.

Roman sighs, following suit, “How long were you out?”

“Since midnight.”

“Specs it’s seven in the morning. What-”

“Bad dream, nothing important.”

“You’re sure?”

“Yeah…” Logan sighs, “I- It wasn’t great.”

“Wanna talk about it?”

“You died.”

“I what?!”

“You died, in my dream Roman. It was rather upsetting.” Logan sighs, shaking his ead, “But it is okay, you are breathing and that- that is enough.”

Roman can’t find the words, but the way Logan looks so upset- he sighs, reaching and pulling a wrapped rectangle of the ground, “Open it for me?”

Logan sighs, setting his cup down and reaching for the gift, before moving to grab Roman’s.

“Wait!” Roman says, then his alarm goes off, “HAppy birthday Specs, welcome to being officially eighteen!”

Logan snorts, “Thank you.”

Roman pulls the gift Logan made for him off the bed stand, “Open them together?”

“Yes, if that’s amicable to you?”

“I suggested it didn’t I?”

Logan does not dignify that with a response, instead nodding slightly, before he turns to the gift as he sits on the bed, moving the blue wrapped object to his lap.

Roman stares down at the red paper, “Go!”

The two begin to tear at the paper, brows knit to see who can open it faster. Competitive as always but in a fun way.

Roman wins, because the gift he’s opening is smaller. He grins, “A CD case specs, did you make me a mixtape?”

“Listen to it and find out.”

Roman just grabs Logan’s laptop, booting it up and logging in.

Logan stares down at the scrap book on his lap, a galaxy print cover and beautiful calligraphy reading ‘Logan memories for the ages Part one of many’. He chuckles softly to himself, “A scrapbook?”

“Look through it, Specs, I spent- a long time.”

“Is that why your hands were covered in blue and silver glitter for a week and a half?”

“Maybe.” Roman pills up the CD room and goes to hit play.

“Wait! Headphones, and- listen to the whole thing first?”

“Uh- sure?”

Logan nods, “After this we should buy tickets to disney for tomorrow.”

“We should.”

Logan turns to rifle through the scrapbook, finidning shades of blues and black, and galaxies, stars, and a nasa logo on different pages. Roman must have spent hours on this, weeks probably longer.

The first page is a picture of Roman and Logan when they were probably five, Roman sits on the counter with a bandaged knee and e teary smile as Logan holds out an otter pop to his injured friend. ‘My hero’ It reads.

A second picture sits on the same page, this time Roman and Logan appear to be sixteen if the blue streak in Roman’s hair is any indicator. Roman and Logan stand arm in arm for homecoming, Roman’s date had ditched him the night before for some pretty boy or other. Logan had stepped in and broken off from the group the nerd had planned on attending with just to make sure Roman had a fun night. The second picture seems to continue the message of the first, ‘Forever and ever.’

Soft silver glitter is on the second page, a large picture of Logan and Virgil takes up the majority of the page, the two are hunched together watching conspiracies on the laptop they’d borrowed from their triplet Bia, said girl in the background threatening Roman with a curling iron.

The message for that page is silly and looping as ever, ‘Except when the conspiracies rot your brain and your sister threatens to straighten my hair with her curler if I scare you.’

Logan laughs softly, turning the page and gasping.

Roman glances over but just smiles at the picture on the third page.

Logan stares down at a picture of Logan and Roman with their moms, the boys are probably eight, and dressed in almost matching outfits. Black pants, dress shoes, and button up shirts in white. Except, they both wear bow ties, Logan’s is a dark red while Roman’s is a dark blue. ‘Sometimes, we steal each other's color.’

The next page is Logan at the planetarium, alone in the shot but looking starstruck as he stares up at constellations, pointing them out to someone out of view, probably Roman or one of their friends. ‘As stunning as the stars you so love.’

The next page is a picture of Logan with his siblings.

Remy stands with his- they were a he at the time of photo- arms about Logan and Virgil’s shoulders, sunglasses ever in place and a smirk. Virgil’s got one arm hanging loseley and the other about the youngest sibling, and the only blonde. Anne, the blonde, smiles at the camera. Logan has his pinkies hooked with his female triplet, the two identical, save for Logan wears glasses where Bia wears contacts. The group stands in matching print swimsuits on the beach.

‘You have more fun and emotion and love than you’d let most people know but you’re a big softie.’

Logan continues to rifle through his favorite memories, most of them with Roman himself or Logan’s own siblings. His eyes sting, Roman put so much thought and love into this project, and Logan is going to keep it forever.

When he is done reading he turns to watch Roman shut the laptop and turn to Logan as well, almost in sync. Logan will miss this, the easy everything he has with Roman.

“Thank you Roman.” Logan says simply, “This means a lot to me, I- It’s beautiful.” Logan manages to bite back the quip Roman would love to hear, just not from Logan. Manages to keep from saying, ‘Almost as beautiful as you are.’

“I’m glad you liked it!” Roman grins, going to ruffle Logan’s hair but stopping as he remembers Logan asked to not be touched, Roman drops his hand, “Sorry I was just so excited I blinked for a moment.”

“It is okay Roman, You stopped and you remembered, and then apologized. That is all I can ask for.”

“I mean, you could ask me for anything.” Roman shrugs, and his voice isn’t teasing like he’d meant, it’s soft and vulnerable and earnest.

Logan shakes his head, “Not anything.” Logan sighs, shaking his head.

“Anything. But uh- Thank you for the music Logan.”

“Of course.”

“I like all of the songs, of course! But uh- they were all love songs?”

“Yes.”

“Okay.” Roman nods, “Well, Thank you very much, it was- a beautiful playlist.”

Roman stares only a little besottedly at eyes of stormy depth in Logan’s green gaze, and he can’t help but wish the playlist was a confession, but it isn’t, Roman knows this.

Logan wishes Roman hadn't just rejected him so outright with ignoring that the playlist is a confession, but here he is.

“I’m glad you liked it.” Logan smiles as best he can around what feels as if his heart is stabbing itself violently. “We should take a walk around dinner time, after is ideal.”

Master post Chapter five

#Come away with me one last adventure?#logince #sanders sides #Soulmate AU #Sweethearts soulmates and snarky remarks #SSB Writes

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thistangledbrain · 3 years

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I think I’m going to add Day 28 a day early, because I just finished it. This one took me 3 days to write...I had to keep putting it down. I think because meltdowns are our strongest reminders that we are NOT like other people, and that can be hard to accept sometimes, especially when we’re trying so hard to blend in or go along. Also, meltdowns are when we are in a raw, illogical space - which is highly unsavory, to put it mildly. We are vulnerable. Naked. Stuck. Entirely in fight or flight mode - or both. For as baffling and upsetting as you find it to be - trust me, we aren’t having a good time, either.

*takes a deep breath*

Ok, here goes.

Day 28

“Dealing with meltdowns”

Well, this one’s fun. (sarcasm)

I’m glad I got a few days ahead, because this one is hard to think about, so I keep putting it down and then coming back to it. I asked my youngest some questions, but he didn’t want to talk about it, either.

We hate meltdowns. It feels like the whole world is ending/everything is crashing down at once. I don’t CARE if what triggered it was “small” - all the repressed stuff we’ve been trying to squash comes crashing in like the fuckin Kool-Aid Man through a half open door.

But, I’ll start with how you can help.

First and foremost: DO NOT TOUCH!!! NO! BAD NEUROTYPICAL!! NO TOUCH!! (One exception: if we’re trying to blindly bolt from our environment. STOP US.)

I know this is completely counterintuitive to typical human nature, especially with young children. You want to scoop them up and cuddle them and make them feel safe. Sorry, but you just did the opposite of that - you freaked us out even more, and your need to touch and comfort is entirely yours, in that moment. Let us come to you if we want physical comfort - when we do need that, we can be like clingy little monkeys (and if an Autie child clings to you during a meltdown, you *honor* that shit & throw all the loving calm energy you can out there for them - do not say anything or try and talk them out of it - just let them cling to you and cry. Literally - JUST be there). I will say, AFTER the meltdown, we will possibly need some reassurance and kindness, if you can manage it. We will sometimes allow holding when we don’t feel good, with our absolute closest humans, but generally we really want you to just be there but not touch, until we’re ready. Lots of us don’t really want you to leave altogether, at least not for long - even if it seems like we do.

If you want to help, start with keeping your energy (your “vibe”) as calm, gentle, and peaceful as possible. Try not to get frantic or frustrated. If we’re at home or in a familiar space, do things that make our space feel better - drop the blinds/make it dark, place our weighted blanket over us/find our stuffy if we have one, light a candle or burn sage/waft a favorite calming scent, like lavender. If you say anything, use a soft, gentle voice - try not to talk too much...but if you sing, that can be very soothing. Sing very softly - I don’t know why, but soft singing and rocking (if you can stay on key...sorry but it’s grating when the tune is off!) can go a long way towards calming. Things like this can head a total meltdown off or stop it in its tracks, sometimes. Or get us out into an environment that makes us happy (like a nature trail)...but if we’re past a 4 (I’ll explain in a moment), we might not be willing to.

If we’re in a school setting, get us out from under those GOD DAMNED FLUORESCENT LIGHTS...YOU might not pick up on their eye-and-head hurting flicker, but we can. They suck even when we’re in a GOOD mood. See if you can get us into a darker room, or at least one without those &$@!;!! lights. Small things like bright lights, or sounds that usually only cause mild annoyance can become HUGE - for example, my dogs. In my best moments, the sound of them licking themselves will set my teeth on edge - if I’m trying to come out of a meltdown, those sounds - or almost any sounds, really, except white noise stuff - are infuriating. I hate to say that, but 🤷🏻‍♀️ it’s just true. All your sensory shit is dialed to 11 and someone broke the knob off - there is NO “just deal with” whatever, at that point. We aren’t dealing with SHIT right then, so removal to a quiet spot is pretty damn important.

Try to distract or divert us before we’re over a 4 on a 1-10 scale, though, and absolutely before we start looping (the suggestions so far are for when the meltdown is in/almost in full swing - and I’m only speaking for older auties and into adulthood, here, though most of this stuff helps littles, too).

Let me explain “escalation scale” and “looping” - with the help of my husband, who recognizes patterns of escalation as well (in us, and in dogs ☺️). “Looping” is his word. It means no matter what you say, we keep looping back to what’s got us upset/how much we hate ourselves right then/all the bad feelings/past hurts that are piling on to the current problem. You’ll pull us out of it for a second, but then we loop right back to it. Ideally, you want to intervene before we get to the looping, which is about a 7+ on the escalation scale. Once we’re at a 7 and above....we’re consumed by it, and it gets much harder to diffuse. Think of the 1-10 scale like this: 1 is calm, 10 is completely nuclear - above a 7, almost nothing will distract us, almost nothing will divert us except bodily removal from the situation/environment & then leaving us the fuck alone (maybe figuratively but not literally - it depends on your Autie) for a while until we exhaust ourselves one way or another. If you can intervene and remove/distract right around a level 4 - which is right when you start to notice someone is getting quite agitated, you’ve got a good chance of heading the meltdown off at the pass. But if we’re already looping - repeating phrases over and over, looping back to our most upsetting feelings no matter what you say or do, sometimes while rocking or banging, you’re way too late. Now we have to ride it out together...as safely as we can manage. Now you need to make things dark, private, and as calming as you can, if possible. Or just get us the fuck out of the situation that set us off. That helps, too...obviously. I’ll tee up a possible scenario: you’re at an amusement park with your Autie. WHOA stimulation, right? You’re all having a fab time, but suddenly your Autie starts to cry or get angry or otherwise exhibit “I am SUPER OVERWHELMED” energy. 🤷🏻‍♀️ It’s just a lot to process, even when all the things are pretty fun. So, find a quiet place in a park like area to chill. Grab food from a stand - or go back out to your car and sit and eat a packed lunch or have some snacks. Don’t make a big fucking deal about it, either. Just “oh okay, I think now’s a good time for a quiet break”. Keep in mind all autistics are living in a sensory rich environment, and it can get mega overwhelming sometimes. It’s not always bad shit that sets us off.

I’ve mentioned in prior posts how it can feel like someone else is driving the car (controlling the emotions), while we sit in the back seat and scream and hit and try to get them to stop the fucking car and let us out...it’s in these moments that I TOTALLY understand how doctors got autism and schizophrenia mixed up, in years past. At least, that ripping in half is what my youngest son and I feel. YOU’RE frustrated with us right then? BRUH. WE are so fucking pissed and frustrated and upset that we can’t stop the car, too. You’re not helping if we know you are frustrated, either - that’s why I mention keeping your “vibe” as level and gentle and “no biggie” as possible.

I have some tips for head bangers and stuff, that I won’t include in this post but I’m happy to tell you what I’ve done/what can work.

Basically? “Dealing with” meltdowns is just....TRY SHIT. If you’re an Autie trying to manage your own, play around with what helps you calm down. It could be a brisk walk away from anything human, time under your weighted blanket, time in a dark warm shower or tub (idk about you, but in this house - water soothes nearly anything, most of the time), holding your pet, screaming all the cuss words you know into the void lol ....and the same methods might not work all the time (I was “feeling unsubstantiated feelings” the other day, and got into the shower before they overwhelmed me - a usual go to - but this time, the water felt disgusting, being wet just made it all worse. It surprised even me, but you gotta roll with it & try something else). But try as hard as you can to do something that will soothe you. Or find a safe place to let it all out, without hurting yourself. Pro tip, though: do not add alcohol. It not only takes away all the barriers you’ve probably put up to keep from going completely off the deep end, but it also magnifies all the bad feelings. I am, however, a big fan now of smoking a little green. I started trying that about 3 years ago and oh my god where has this been my whole adult life. I can’t take antidepressants or even most anxiety meds...but I can smoke. I use carefully chosen calming and pain relieving indica strains - sativa can sometimes make me feel more anxious. (YMMV)

If you’re the Emotional Support Human™️ of a melting down Autie, the same applies. Just try stuff. Trust me you will know if said Autie finds your efforts upsetting. It’s ok to want to talk to us about it afterwards, in a constructive way. Once we’ve calmed down, we know you’re trying to help. We’re raw and exhausted immediately after a meltdown though (meltdowns usually lead to shutdowns), so give us a little time, maybe. Or maybe not - maybe your Autie will be in a more communicative frame of mind, since it’s fresh. You won’t know unless you ask, maybe like “could we talk about this, or would you like some time to be quiet?” (Again - gentle tone and energy is important.)

Meltdowns are hard for me to write about because these days, they’re super rare, but when they happen, they’re ...well, brutal. Like really, really bad. I had one a few years ago that I think terrified my husband. We were in the car. I was getting so upset (screaming, beating my fists and probably thrashing a little) that he had to stop the car. Luckily we were in the boonies, but...not long after he stopped the car, I attempted to bolt. I felt trapped in between his efforts to soothe and the small confines of the car, and just wanted to bolt. Run. Far away. There was ZERO thought of personal safety at that point. His efforts to contain me were met with violence. I will be ashamed of that for the rest of my life - I don’t even have words for what an amazing human my husband is, and the LAST thing my non-melting-down brain wants, is to hurt him. But all I could think about was doing whatever needed to be done to escape this hell I was in. God. Just writing about it hurts, and I feel fresh shame. I’m telling you all this, so that you understand that *in that moment*, we are a cornered and overwhelmed animal, who wants to just bite bite bite or run away (fight/flight). The things we usually cling to - logic and reason - don’t exist right then. Nothing is logical - which actually adds to our upset.

There may be a time when your Autie feels like this too - and that’s one time where you DO need to intervene even if we don’t like it/hate it/get furious with you for it. If we are trying to hurt ourselves or run, do what you need to to not allow that. I truly believe this is how many young Autie kids get lost - we were upset and we just bolted blindly. We don’t react well to you stopping us....but it’s necessary.

There’s a moment in the Disney movie “Soul”, where 22 becomes a lost soul. Her little bright blue body is engulfed by swirling blackness, and inside that blackness is every bad or negative thing that’s ever been said to her. She starts looping - “I’m not good enough”, “I have no purpose”, over and over and over. This is what a meltdown feels like. In the movie, her mentor quietly hands her a small token reminder that starts to make the blackness melt away - it’s not the token that “society” thinks she should have, it’s a personal one. Shouting at her, blah blahblah talking, trying to reason with her makes her hiss and run away - but *quietly* handing her a tactile object that means something to her, brings her back to the present, and is what breaks the looping.

Here’s the clip of when he breaks through her meltdown. I hope it explains things in a way I’m struggling to. I’ll end with that...if the subtitles distract you, I apologize, I can’t find a “clean clip”.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=nmapZFDUkBk&t=41s

#asd #autism #autistic #acceptance #awareness #actuallyautistic

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