#which like honestly i dont care to do anymore bc fuck her and her bullshit
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mom driving: call ur dad’s workplace and say you want to speak to him
me: [doing that word for word]
mom: [corrects my words to chastise me n point out i was being rude and could be more polite]
bruh you TOLD me to say that.
#personal tag#its like. so hard to get how she works#which like honestly i dont care to do anymore bc fuck her and her bullshit#BUT IF YOU TELL ME TO SAY THAT EXACTLY THEN IM GONNA SAY THAT EXACTLY!!!!!#STOP CHASTISING ME FOR SHIT YOU TOLD ME TO DO BITCH. IM SO TIRED OF IT#plus like. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa#me deciding casualness is okay bc i am 'child of' calling:#mom; making clear that was a wrong choice without even knowing its a choice i decided on#anyway. im fucking tired of always fucking up somehow. yknow#like idk. idk. idk.#im tired#dont rb this idk why you'd feel the need to in the first place but since yall need to be told nowadays; there it is
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I.am.tired.
"can we all agree that billy is a villain and" or "can we all let him be a villain"
No. We cannot ALL AGREE. Why WHY are people so obsessed with their viewpoint being the one and only true one of a planet over 7 bilion people?
You want to see Billy as villain? Go ahead, the fuck do I care. But why have the arrogance of wanting everyone to agree with this? It is SO annoying I don't know how to deal with this anymore...
Sorry for coming to you with this but you and several other blogs I follow are my heroes for having the energy and courage to call certain people out on their bullshit with class and facts while I can't and instead hide behind anonymity... Thank you. <3
hi anon im sorry im just now seeing this message!! but yes i agree and thank you for the kind words. i welcome you and anyone else to come to me with anything if you wanna chat or if you just want to rant its totally fine!! my response under the cut bc i went on a bit of a rant myself lol
I agree that it is extremely annoying and exhausting (which is why i dont really get involved, instead i just say things in the tags and reblog things others have said) because honestly i dont have the time or energy to constantly fight a losing battle against strangers on the internet who dont know me or my life. Honestly you shouldn't give me much credit because i dont fight nearly as much as others in this fandom do, i sort of just mind my business most of the time lol. I commend the ones who do actively engage with antis and try to have discussions with them! If i were better with words and had more time id be right there with them. Honestly, the reason its so bad right now is because st is so popular in the mainstream rn. Once the hype dies down, itll get better, and once the show ends itll get wayyy better. (honestly thats why im glad my favorite shows are older/lesser known. Like, no one is getting this worked up about fringe lol)
When it comes to antis, unfortunately, people have always been obsessed with their viewpoint being the correct one. Since our species gained sentience the thing weve used it for the most is to fight with other humans over who is right and who is wrong. religion, politics, wars are fought in the name of one viewpoint being right and better than the others. Not to compare fandom drama to literal war and historical events, but you see my point. Its just the way people are. People can be kind and arrogant and nice and nasty. We all have the capacity and the right to get upset when our views are challenged, but what matters is how we respond. I literally used to be a billy anti, (i was 17 and still living with my abusers, had a really fucked up worldview) i wasnt rabid about it and didnt really talk about it but i agreed with people when they said he was racist and a bad person and didnt think twice about his character. (honestly forgot he existed until recently.) but eventually, i grew up, i got out, and i got help. I didnt even like billy until less than a year ago. im 23 now, and im a very different person than i was when i was 17. I went back into the st fandom spaces when st4 came out and somehow ended up in the billy corner, and i listened to what they had to say. And i realized that i was wrong, and changed my opinion. I started to see what i couldnt before. I even talked to my therapist about it (and even her, my 72 year old fan of stranger things therapist, agreed that billy is the most complex and interesting character) and using him and his story, I was finally, after almost 6 years of being free from my abusers, was able to talk to her about what I went through and start processing my trauma. I realized how similar lives me and billy lived. I realized that i wished someone would have helped him the way my loved ones helped me. I wish all antis had the capacity to have calm back and forth discussions about the media that they claim to be fans of, but not everyone is capable of that. This is the internet. Most people here are incapable of that. All media is meant to be discussed and interpreted and debated. Its an art form meant to make you think, not something to base your moral compass and worldviews on. Despite that, Billy’s story is something that many real people go through, and insisting that someone who relates to his abuse and wants to explore it in a fandom space (art, fic, etc) is an evil person just because you personally don’t like his character is just straight up disgusting.
So for the ones who just want to ask questions and discuss things, thats fine. Most of us are happy to talk. For the ones who just want to troll, invade our space, say inflammatory things and hurt people just because we have differing opinions on a fictional character? The best thing to do is just block them and move on. Because they dont want their minds changed, they just want to cause drama for the sake of drama because their own lives are so sad and empty that they need a strangers vitriol to fill the attention void. They're just schoolyard bullies, desperate for a reacton. And i deal with them the same way i dealt with bullies in my school days: id stare blankly at them until they got bored or uncomfortable and left me alone. Because all they're looking for is a reaction, and i refused to give them one. I deal with anon hate the same way. Before i started posting about billy, i got anon hate maybe once or twice in the twelve years ive been here. Now, i get it at least once a week. And im not even a dedicated billy hargrove blog. I just post whatever catches my eye at that moment, so i cant even imagine what its like for the people in the fandom who are completely dedicated to billy. But my followers have never and will never see the anon hate i get, and the senders will never see my response to it. Because you know what i do with anon hate? I delete it. I delete it and forget it ever existed. Eventually, when they see that im not responding, they give up and stop. Its slowed down considerably, so i guess theyre getting tired lol. Non-reaction is a totally valid way of handling harassment, and the most successful one, in my experience. I dont need to fight to prove to strangers behind a screen that im not a racist or an abuser or evil just because they say that i am for liking a fictional character. I know im not racist, and i know im not an abuser, and i know im not evil. Im a regular person who does their best to be kind and respectful to everyone and be better every day. Im a regular person who goes to work, hangs out with friends, takes care of family, looks at silly little memes on the internet, minds my business, and lives my life.
Dont ever feel bad for not engaging in discourse. Whether its because its taxing to your mental health or you dont have the energy or because you just dont want to, youre not obligated to do anything. You arent losing points by sitting back on the sidelines and letting others fight. Its social media, not a life or death warzone. If all you wanna do is reblog some posts and chill then more power to you. Thats what i do for the most part. I very rarely ever get involved in anything, cuz im content to sit over here in my corner and reblog things, and not let things people say on the internet affect me in real life because none of it matters. Just because antis forget that life outside of internet fandom exists doesnt mean we have to as well.
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a little vent ׂׂׂׂૢ་༘࿐
my "friend" (using quotes cuz honestly idk if i rlly consider him a friend anymore cuz of this coupled w past stuff thats happened) is being a total pos whiney asshole
what happened was, last week i noticed my debit card had transactions on it that i knew for a fact i didnt make. i contacted some1 from my bank to dispute the charges to get my money back; guy walked me thru it n i cancelled my card. few days later i seen a small amount refunded but knew it wasnt the full amount. friend n i had plans to go to target friday n maybe get smthn to eat, well bc of the stuff w my card i decided i just wanted to go into the bank n talk w someone irl so since i was off work early i asked if we cld go there first n hopefully get everything settled (he said ofc n i did for the most part, the charges started all the way back in april of 2023 which is wild to me that i didnt notice it until last week- i got part of my money back right away so thats good). after that we went to eat then to target (i wanted to go cuz of the cute honeypot i kept seeing on my tiktok fyp also got one ver of jungkooks album n a bts book anyway) i got very frustrated while we were at target so after i paid for my stuff there i was ready to go home.
then the next day at work one of my co-workers asked me how my date went n i said i didnt go on a date..? when i got home i msgd him n asked why said co-worker asked me that; it doesnt help that also that day 2 separate customers asked me abt my ex or made a comment abt how i shldntve broken up w my ex, its been almost 6 months get over it. why do u ppl care so much its none of ur business n also i got yelled at n cussed out by 2 other seperate customers but the date thing happened first n was the main thing that ruined my mood.
he said he thought it was one n asked her for advice. i said it wasnt it was just basically running errands n that i thought ive made it perfectly clear im not n nvr will be interested in him in that way, ever. boundaries were re-established as well that night.
then the next day (sunday) right once i get clocked into work one of my managers pulls me into our accting office to talk w me abt friend bc he called off for his shift n was crying. she knows he likes me n is basically obsessed w me but that i dont like him back n she knows weve been friends n hav talked together for a while now at this point but she asked for all the details that day. i told her as much as i cld b4 i was needed up front. she basically said that he was upset that i was upset abt what happened the night b4 n that he was jealous of one of my other friends n is worried for my safety bc of said other friend. my manager said shes worried abt me to but bc of him n said i shldnt talk to him for a while.
i confronted him abt that (not abt the jealousy of other friend part cuz i honestly forgot abt that bit until just now) he claimed that all he did was call off cuz his stomach hurt n he didnt know why our manager talked to me. he showed me some ss between him n the co-worker that asked me abt friday n i said i wasnt mad abt her knowing i was mad cuz she called it a date cuz u told her it was one when it wasnt n that i was also mad from our manager talking to me abt him. i told him not to talk to our manager abt what i told him and what did he do, he asks her abt smthn i said. like are u fucking an idiot wtf!?
then he said his plan was to leave me alone "until things die down" THERES NOTHINF THAT NEEDS TO DIE DOWN FUCKING MAN UP N HAV AN ACTUAL CONVERSATION W ME FOR ONCE WHERE U DONT TRY TO LIE OR PUT BLAME ON SOMEONE ELSE FOR SHIT U OBVIOUSLY DID and stop talking to other ppl abt me its weird!!!
im sick n tired of whenever smthn happens w him i get asked abt it like what happened w him, idfk n frankly idc
i am so fucking done w him n his bs. he can try to make me feel bad or get pity from me all he wants but im seriously just so over all this bullshit. im not talking to him anymore fuck u. last time he stopped talking to ME cuz of how much i liked 🍫 n i wld talk w him abt it cuz i didnt hav any1 else to, plus we were friends i thought it was ok. but he said i was "unsafe" for him to talk to. i told my manager abt that.
its just like, when were talking before like the first time, he did basically the same shit when my friends wld point out bad things hed say or do n he wld deflect then default to being a crybaby abt it. like ur in ur l8 20's at best, learn how to take responsibility for ur actions man!! like are u joking w me rn
think ill hav to cut it short for rn, im getting tired n cant think str8 lmao
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2023 overview part 2
since when was there a text limit?
anywho lolla was so much even if i was alone
chicago food slapped the city was so much fun and yeah just enjoy being in america
the record stores 🫡
that kokoroko story omg the fact that i went to the same places as new jeans just a few days apart 😭 but still that store was my 80s dreams
BUT YEAH I SAW NEW JEANS AND TXT LIVE
JID RHCP DESTROY LONELY A BOOGIE BAEBADOOBEE KENDRICK AGAIN
so much fun honestly the vibes of an american music festival r unmatched
loved summer so much
then i went back to toronto and just waited for the torment to be over cuz i just wanted to get the fuck out of there
seriously chilling w that bitch nd her weird ass bf was hell
literally toronto was the worst place i went to this year.. lol
anyways its over and never happening again
now i know forsure im never going back i HAVE to make it somewhere else
ANYWAYS i left canada then came back around sept and had to deal w moving out
left my old isolated place
gunna miss that view tho lol and my old gym / salon but othat than thaat... BYE
then moved in w nada which is going okay i guess whatever
im in a weird limbo state in my life rn -_- after an amazing few months of travelling idk what the hell going on
i quickly got a job LOL ofc but i kinda got into it/entered it not rlly knowing what the fawk was happening in my life like uh yeah i guess okay lets just do this cuz i need to sell my furniture and put it somewhere and i need a visa
legit its just for the visa until i figure out where i wanna go -_- bUTTT
i havent had much time to even think about that or my future cuz...
of that stupid ass discord. .. group -_-
look its not even the group idc about them like yeah nice weirdos woo whatelse is new
but that stupid ass day i decided to go to the korean restaurant.. -_-
like i was doing so well man but then my eyes set on fire
im still figuring it out but whatever idk
like work was good tbh it doesnt even FEEL like work cuz yeah tbh after that hell job i just dont care about labor anymore like nah im NEVER putting my whole pussy into a job ever again im putting myself first always now so this current job just doing feel like shit
actually its kinda helping me get my mind off this bitch
idk man i met that bitch and now i cant stop thinking about him
blah blah typically me shit i obsess over someone and daydream crazy about them idk
hes cute tho ig i think hes better than all those other bitches i been w
OH ANOTHER THING THO I FINALLY BROKE MY 2 ALMOST 3 YEAR SPELL
thank god 😩
i mean it didnt go the way i would have wanted to..
i move too fast -_- and i think that was the problem
but after that spell broke i thought i would be done w it but nope
im crazy and started to get depressed
idk what i want or if im just using this bitch as a distraction from work/figuring out life
idk what i want bc obv this bitch isint anything special hes just kinda cute? but whatever HES NOT GL
so many red flags but im acting like a bull
brrr whatever the biggest this is just selling that fucking ass furniture
anyways the whole end of this year was just the new job, this bitch and me going crazy
the new job is fun the ppl are nice the client is annoying but its manageable thank god we got wfh but yeah even in office isint bad the ppl r nice which is the best part
the partying.. lol girl -_- i need to slow it down i cant keep on getting lit BECAUSE HONESTLY whats ruining me is the drinking
maybe if that bitch didnt exist in my life i would be fine and have control but jeesuss its like im trying to forget my current situation through him then try to forget him through partying and bullshit -________-
god please send me gl .. or whatever
or maybe i just need to act normal and stop being fucking crazy over a bitch i barely know that will do nothing for me and go back to focusing on getting shit done and FORWARD with my life
yeah -_-
anyways end of the year partying wooo work friends woo this weird discord chat group wooo delusions wooo
gym movies books learning japanese learning music theory (which i rlly need to get back to...) videos skateboarding art basically always encompasses my years
i just need to put myself out there more idk i need to get out of my head and start to do more
which is were im at perfectly idk why i had to go so crazy from oct-dec but whatever i think its over now
i cant suffer forever
anyways this was a long ass busy crazy year with so much travel beginnings and endings moving cutting off and meeting new people... im so so so grateful despite the emotional breakdowns and work stress and this bitch stress im sooo happy i think this was such a fun year and yeah we need ups and downs..
pluto in aquarius eh? so shit about to get crazier... nice -_-
i just want to make videos do my website idk FIGURE OUT WHERE I WANT TO LIVE sell my furniture and yeah ofc read read read movies movies movies be HEALTHY create more and realign my brain w my goals after this dumb bitch entered my life ugh (im doing it to myself fr) anddd idk what else make friends that are like me and MOVE FORWARD
remember self CONTINUE!! CONTINUE!!!
see u next year and hey future self if ur reading this i love you u can do it U SURVIVED THIS YEAR U CAN DO IT
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(note: briefly references being abused in your past)
anyways hi i told my frends this on messages but im kinda laugh bc tbh cassie is a self possessed bitch w v v little concern for anyone but her family, she already was becoming thay way before she turned and after she turned it just became a massively worse mess—
and yknow what bitch earned that right she put up w years of abuse when being raised by her uncle so her siblings wouldnt get hurt, she took the princes bullshit to protect the ppl she cared abt, she escaped briefly doing smthn ‘selfish’ for ONCE in her life and eventually after finally getting her own damn life he finds her and threatens her boyfriend and she agrees to go w him so long as that man stays safe.. then when she finally gets out years later and thinking he was waiting for her, he ultimately ditches her for a girl he knew for two days.
Everytime shes ever done shit for other people she got fucked over, and anytime she was ‘selfish’ which was really self preservation she was in a better position in the end. If she just killed everyone who mistreated her instead of keeping them alive people ‘what’ll people think of me’ or ‘what about their loved ones’ her life would have been a thousand times better and she recognizes that now. ofc she just murders people for fun now, it used to be her gd job and then smthn she had to do to stay alive, now its just happy fun times.
Torturing men??? after all the shit she suffered because of them? every right tbh, she cant tell whos good from whos bad, her own ability to recognize if she was good or bad ended up being 100% tethered to the dude that ditched her, she doesn’t need to care anymore. He was all that kept her from completely villainizing and ironically him ditching her fully turned her into the ‘ig i have to kill his girlfriend so he’ll love me again’ type and honestly, that’s not chill dont do thay irl but good for her. after every single moment she’s ever been selfless or did sometimg for someone else, she got tortured, abused, or otherwise??? girl earned it let her be horrible shes an antagonist through and through at this point and she earned it good for u girl
she doesnt remember any of the past except in short visions and still had the foresight to tie jack up and refuse to let him die so she can tortute him to near dearh then heal him and do it all over again just like he did to her. over and over again. well deserved give her praise
#out.#its four thirty am inhave work today lol#anyways for legsl reasons this is a joke but also im right#maybe one day i’ll post the entitety of her lore that was build up for almost 10 years#then res village came out and she turned into cassie bc cassie was LITERALLY where she was headed anyways#just.. w a family instead of being alone lmao#which good for her tbh#let heebe a murderbee w also murdery sisters she deserves it#let the murder child be happy!!! shes having happy fun times stabbing ppl let her be!!! she deserves it!!!#im against the murdering of innocent fyi but fiction wise the girls having fun leave her alone#’oh ima add all these additional things to make this character more reseemable’ ily for thay im simply not#she has every option for a redemption arc pre REV but yknow what#why should she redeem herself when shes only where she is bc of shitty other ppl#she should kill them and can be redeemed later thx u#other ppl amke their chars better snd i respect that#but i make them worse#welcome im that bish#abuse cw#almost forgot
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Hi i havent read the books post-resurrection so im kinda lost on why you dont like phase 2 val? She was easily one of my favourite characters ever, she was flawed (and the books took time to acknowledge them) and relatable and still really admirable (intelligent, brave, loyal) and i really liked her and really appreciated that she wasn’t perfect unlike every other young adult heroines. What went wrong😢😢😢😢
Okay I'm gonna put this under a cut because I very strongly dislike phase 2 val and I know it bugs people who don't feel the same, so. Dead dove dont eat
Okay so first off, phase 1 val and phase 2 val are completely different people. literally. phase 1 val was based on an ex-friend of lardo's who used to apparently be involved pretty heavily in like, editing the books and "she'd react like this" or "val wouldn't say that", and that val she was one of my favourite fictional characters from when book one came out to the release of resurrection. phase 2 val is based on his whiny little girlfriend who likes to start shit with 14yos on twitter, and you can absolutely tell she is no longer the same person. so the long story short of "what went wrong" is "the original irl val's friendship with dirty laundry ended for whatever reason and he decided to retcon her entire personality to suit his gf"
Phase 2 Val, in my opinion:
Weak, like won't even fight back when she gets jumped bc boo fucking hoo she's so awful, bitch get up already, nobody signed up for ur pity party
Whiny. So fucking whiny. All the time. And she's the POV character so it's inescapable.
"Pacifist" but in a really pathetic virtue-signalling kind of way like "Oh, I've done such terrible thiiiiiiiiiiings I'm so awfulllllllllllll look how good I'm trying to be nowwwwwwww pay attention to meeeeeeee" kind of way, it was both boring and a massive eye roll. It's a book about magic and asskicking. Kick some ass. We're here for escapism not "realistic" whining. Yes, irl she'd be a mess. As an author it's his job to strike a balance between the "realism" he wants to portray and making his readers so depressed and done with his heroine that they quit reading, and in my case, he absolutely failed.
Everything must be about her at all times. Skug is having personal problems? Fuck him, they're about her now. Everything is about how it affects her, and her feelings, and be damned to the person actually having the problem. Fucks phase 2 val cain gives about anyone except herself: 0
Bitter and jaded. Which yeah I get why but it's like jesus christ what do we get out of reading about this? It's not even good bitter and jaded where it makes you empathise or admire her strength in adversity or whatever, she's just become a really nasty person with no redeeming features that I could see. Which? Landy outright said she's based on his gf? If your boyfriend is gonna drag ur entire personality through the dirt like that and write "you" as just a collection of incredibly negative traits...yikes.
Really ungrateful about the awesome life she leads? Which bugs me bc I fucking hate mundanity and knowing that all there is to life is fucking working and bad mental health. I would kill to live her life. All she does is moan about it. Like? Quit then. Fuck off back to being a mortal if it's that bad and live the shitty life you wanted to get away from in the first place. That way we'd get no more books, and quite honestly, thank fuck for that. But anyway, she needs to pick one, stick with it, and stop complaining about whatever she chose.
The girl wallows in self pity. And if someone else isn't indulging her enough, she'll wallow harder and louder and more obviously. Yawn.
Her POV is now so depressing to read that Resurrection literally tanked my mental health. I'm not kidding. I fell off the self-harm wagon, the suicidal thoughts came back, reading her dissociating would make me dissociate, I just did not cope whatsoever. Being in her head was just like being in my head during my worst points, and I hate myself, so naturally, I hate her too. Like I get why some people like phase two val. I get that her depression is "realistic" and that trauma does just make some people completely dislikeable and self-pitying, and if people want to read about that, then...sure. you do you, my dudes. But I live that reality, I am that person whose trauma made her a dysfunctional, isolated bitch, and I hate, passionately, having it infest the media I consume to escape.
Essentially if I wanted to engage with a bitter, spiteful, depressed piece of shit in her 20s who pushes everyone away and sucks at everything, I'd live my gd life. Yall see me tryna engage with my real life? Hell nah I'm on tumblr dot com burying my head up the ass of whatever fandom will force my brain to produce some s e r o t o n i n and that is what I need this series for
Also? The dynamic she had with skug in phase one? "Until the end"? "You save me, I save you, that's how we work"? Forget that, it doesn't exist anymore. I stopped reading after Midnight, because she was written like he was a coworker she could barely tolerate. They went from "Lardo confirms on twitter that they talked on the phone a bunch while she was in america and he'd always ask her to come home" to "she comes home and proceeds to blank him for five months while she sits in her fuckin multimillionaire's mansion feeling sorry for herself". Their friendship completely disintegrated, they were totally separated for most of the book, she's written as not giving a single shit about him. She treated him like dirt, and their dynamic basically felt like it was becoming "Local Man With History Of Gravitating Towards Abusive Women Makes Same Terrible Choices For Fifth Time" and? that was the point of no return to me. he supports her unconditionally, no matter what he's going through at the time, he's walked on broken bones to try and get to her when she was in danger, she can tell him anything and he'd never use it against her. I did not, for one second in phase two, believe she felt the same about him. tbh it felt like she could - and wanted to - drop him at the first opportunity and not even feel bad about it, and that's not the dynamic that made me so emotionally attached to phase one. i signed up for "until the end", not whatever bullshit phase two has going on.
Apparently she's "less depressed" now and their relationship is "better" in the books published since midnight, which! might well be true. but I haven't read them and don't intend to, and she's gone from one of my favourite fictional characters ever (which! was impressive! because i almost never bond with the female lead - i normally get attached exclusively to the character i crush on, which would be skug here. val was the first female lead i actually cared about since xena! so im deeply salty about losing her!) to a character i? honestly prefer to pretend doesn't exist. i live in war era dead men/generals crackship land because that way, i don't have to acknowledge her or the fuckin character assassination phase 2 pulled on her.
so yeah, no hate towards phase one val at all. phase one val was awesome and flawed and gave me something to aspire to despite my shitty mental health and trauma, and if she'd kept her original personality she might still have been those things. but the original "real life" val is no longer involved (and doesn't talk to landy at all anymore, apparently), and the val based on landy's insufferable gf? i cannot get behind her at all ever, four for skug and none for phase two val cain bye
(tldr; you're not missing anything by quitting after spx)
#skulduggery pleasant#valkyrie cain#anti-val#extremely anti-val#but like only anti-phase two val#bc phase one val was great and i loved her#come back friend!laura val needs you#lardass can't write her without ur input
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I Don't Love
Pairing: Sirius Black x reader
Word count: 7,392 (Woah)
Warnings: Alochal, smoking, talk of sex.
Request: Hiii! Could I request a Sirius x reader imagine where the reader is like the girl version of Sirius. She wears her own leather jacket, and she’s basically a heartbreaker. Like Sirius, she doesn’t really believe in love, she believes in lust and attraction. Until She meets Sirius and starts falling for him and she’s super confused bc she’s never felt love before and Sirius starts falling for her and he’s confused cus of the same reason and it’s just super cute and fluffy 🥺
A/n: A few things: Number one. I am so incredibly sorry that this took me like 2 weeks to write. I had some pretty shitty crap go down and it just sorta fucked with me and I couldnt write. Number two. This is a little less fluffy than I wanted it to be but it still has a fluff ending. And Number three. To all the people who have sent me requests. I am going to start writing regularly again now so, I will probally have one out at the end of the week and another out around sunday or monday. Thank you so much for you patience.
You had officially decided that there were two types of boys in this world. One would scream and yell at you when they realized you were only in it for one night, while the other would beg for a chance that you were never willing to give.
Conor had opted for the latter.
“Y/n, please” He begged, his eyes were wide and pleading, he was desperate. Desperate for you to stay, he just wanted a chance.
You sighed taking a large swig of your coffee, it was too early for this shit. “Conor how many times am I going to have to tell you, it was a one time thing.” your voice was monotone, as if you were bored, which was quite honestly the case. Have the same conversation over and over again tended to do that to a person.
“Please y/n, I swear you wont regret it. Just one date.” The Huffelpuff begged, he gasped your hand in attempts to gain your attention. He did not succeed.
You let out a stiffened groan, the conversation had become increasingly frustrating, the fact that most of the school was listening in on the exchange of words definitely didn't help. “Conor,” you spoke slowly, praying that he could get the information you were about to give him though his thick skull. “Friday night was fun.” you watched his features brighten, his sky blue eyes filling with momentary hope. “But that's all it was, Friday night and fun, so please leave me alone, you're giving me a headache.”
You heard the gasps and felt the glares, Conor was popular, he was also nice, and from what you heard extremely sweet. So as he slunk away from you head hung, tail between his legs, you could feel a good dozen people glaring daggers into your back.
“Note to self: dont fuck popular people.” You mumbled quietly knowing you would never follow through with the rule.
You looked back down at your eggs rolling your eyes when you heard an all too familiar voice shriek in rage.
You along with everyone else in the hall turned to a furious Marlen Mckinnion who was practically dragging a smirking Sirius Black from his seat.
“You son of a bitch!” She shrieked, tears of fury and sadness leaking from her cheeks.
“Well my mother is a bitch.” He shrugged a cheeky grin pulling his lips apart.
She shrieked again, making you grimace.
You tunned out of her pathetic argument and opted your attention to the book resting at the bottom of your bag. You were about a chapter in before you got sidetracked by Marleens redicoulsly high pitched blubbers.
“How could you!” she sobbed behind you. God she was so loud. “You knew how I felt and you still fucked another girl!”
You weren't sure why but this sentence made you snort. You attempted to muffle the giggles slowly evolving to laughter, but they poured passed your lips like an overflowing sink. Those close to you gave you angered looks, but you didn't care, you received enough of those already. It didn't take long for Marleen, to halt her reckless cries and turned to you with a fiery rage.
She left Black standing where he was, her attention now focused purely on you.
“What do you think is so funny y/l/n?” She hissed tears still sliding down her flushed cheeks, her mascara trying her face into an angry blackened mess.
You snorted once again “I'm sorry.” You wheezed out unable to contain your laughter, “I don't mean to offend you or anything,” You lied not even bothering to trap your giggles anymore. “It's just…” You burst into another fit.
The hall had gone quite, they wanted to see what was going to happen almost as much as you did. “You're telling me you actually believe that he cares what you felt?”
He face flashed with surprise, you heard a few fellow Slytherins and even a couple Ravenclaws let out short bursts of laughter.
“How dare you!” She screamed, her voice shaky, hands bawled at her side.
“Look, it's nothing personal.” You shrugged calmly, "It's just ridiculous for you to overreact every time he sleeps with someone else. What did you expect?" You could feel hundreds of pairs of eyes on you, they were thirsting for chaos, something about the way Marleens face twisted at you words made it seem like there was a strong chance of their thirst being quenched.
"Maybe I expected him to actually give a shit about somebody for once in his miserable life!" She yelled turning around to see the dark haired boy biting his lips to keep in a laugh. "For him to actually love me the way I loved him."
You scoffed rolling your eyes, "You don't actually believe you were in love do you?"
"Of course I do." She hissed back tears still leaking from her blackened eyes, she had now taken a few steps toward you
"Love is bullshit. And if you belive you were actually in love with Black after sucking his dick once, than you just as stupid as you look." You smiled sickly sweet at the girl as she began towards you, her wand suddenly clenched in her right fist.
"You worthless WHORE!" Her voice rang clear through the hall.
You didn't move, you didn't even flinch because the second she raised her wand it was flying from her hand landing in Avery's, who then muttered a spell that froze her feet into the ground.
You sent him a cheeky smile and a wink before gathering your things and standing from your bench. You stood in front of the girl, just out of her reach. She was shrieking and crying and over all just a mess.
"Salazar, your pathetic." You murmured in disgust.
She yelled something at you couldn't understand, not that you cared to, you were pretty sure it involved the words slut and whore multiple times.
"Well I best be off" you smiled, "As said in Shakespeare's Coriolanus, Act 2 Scene one, 'More of your conversation would infect my brain.'" And with that you turned on your heel and left the room, green robes billowing neatly behind you.
A few days past, and as much as you tried to hide it, your world collapsed. Of course this had nothing to do with Marleen or any of her prideful, idiotic friends, this didn't have anything to do with school at all.
It had to deal with your home. You had officially decided that being pure blood sucked. Your whole life had been planned out for you and you didn't want to do even one thing on the pre planned timeline of your life.
The first thing directly after graduation was marriage.
You had been attempting to put this one off the longest, you were definitely not the type to settle down and start a family. In fact the idea made you gag. You didn't even like the commitment of a date, let alone of a marriage certificate.
So when you mother sent you a letter containing a list of names. Your heart sunk to the floor.
The top of the letter read, "My dearest daughter, as you know you are set to be married soon after graduation. Many young men have asked for your hand, me and your father picked the best of the best for you to choose from. I hope all is going well." And then a list of 11 names, some you had never heard of and some, you sat next to during your meals or studied with after class.
The thought of marrying any of them made you feel empty inside. You didn't love any of them and you weren't sure you would ever be able to love any of them.
But you said it yourself, love is bullshit.
This fact didn't stop you from being pushed into a dark hole by your mother's words. She wanted an answer by Christmas break, and hell, you hadn't been able to make a stable decision since you received the letter.
It started with a party after Slytherin beat Hufflepuff in quidditch. That also happened to be the day you were sent a reminder of your impending doom. So alcohol solved all of your problems for a couple hours and you woke up in the bed of a Ravenclaw you didn't recognize.
The next day you had an exam you failed which resulted in a mental breakdown that left you dehydrated with a migraine.
You had downed seven Advils and passed out on your bed by eight.
The next day your headache had progressed, you had taken an absurd amount of medication to ease the pain that day, you ended up in the locker rooms with a Gryffindor beater.
And now here you were already a quarter bottle deep of firewhisky staring at the list of names scrawled neatly on the tear stained parchment gripped tightly in your hand.
You glared down at the grounds so far below you, wondering what it would be like if you just jumped. You wondered who, if anyone, would actually care. You wondered if Marleen and her bitchy friends would laugh, you wondered if, some would say you deserved it. They probably would.
This brought a bubbly giggle to your lips, before the bottle you were holding drowned them.
You glanced back down at the list. So far you had crossed out two names you would never marry even with a wand held to your neck.
One was Lestrange, the other Malfoy. The thought of their hands touching you, lips on yours, made you gag.
You glanced back down at the list circling your current top choice, you would have to do some research on the names you didn't recognize, they must go to a different school.
You brought the cool glass of the bottle back to your lips, sighing slightly at the burning taste it brought with it.
You let a few more tears slide down your cheeks, one dripping lazily off your chin, you watched it disappear into the dark grounds below. For just a second it shimmered in the moonlight appearing to be a drop of pure silver, before it disappeared into the night.
You let out a heart broken sob before letting the stars see the bottom of your bottle.
Just then you heard a short cough.
You turned to see Sirius Black, he was adorned in a pair of black ripped jeans a queen t-shirt matched with his signature black leather jacket.
You glanced down at your own appearance, black skinny jeans, tares in each knee, white t-shirt that read "Fuck Off" in black letters and of course your signature black leather jacket.
He so seemed to be eyeing your appearance. Yiu suspicions were confirmed when he spoke, "I see you've copied my style y/l/n."
"You wish," you laughed, "I'm pretty sure your the one copying my style."
He rolled his eyes before walking to your side and staring down at the shimmering of midnight dew on frosted grass.
"What is Sirius Black doing alone up in the astronomy tower at night?" You asked curiously, offering him your bottle which he took, downing a quick swig, grimacing slightly.
"I could ask you the same." He huffed glancing at you, taking in the wetness of your cheeks and red tinge in your eyes.
"Well I asked first." You pointed out before glancing at him as he brought the bottle back to his lips.
Sirius shrugged passing the liquor back to you. "I guess I just needed some alone time."
"Guess I ruined that, didn't I." You smirked lazily.
"Nah," Sirius sighed waving your comment away with his hand, "I didn't have a fire whiskey anyway." His smile was dopey, his hair drooping in front of his stormy grey eyes.
You let out a giggle, taking another swig from the bottle.
"So why are you up here." He asked teasingly.
You grimaced taking another sip.
Sirius waited for a response for a minute but as he watched you avoid his gaze he realised you weren't going to answer. He sighed sadly, "Come on, you gotta be drowning something with that shit." He motioned to the bottle your lips were closed around.
You chuckled lazily, "Myself I guess."
He let out a snort, something you've never seen him do, you simply assumed it was the alcohol getting to him.
Sirius glanced at your paper and before you could whip the list away he gasped.
"Why is my brother on your list!?" He asked in alarm.
You said nothing feeling tears reach your eyes, the last thing you wanted was someone you barely knew knowing what was slowly tearing you apart.
"And why is his name circled!?"
You cringed tears pricking your eyes, Sirius glanced at you, flushing a bit at your glassy eyes, you weren't one to show emotions, seeing you smile alone was a rare opportunity, that was if you only counted sincere grins, not deadly smirks. But crying, he couldn't recall seeing you crying or hearing of you crying from anyone, he figured that you had about the emotional range of a teaspoon.
But here you were tears sliding solemnly down your cheeks, moonlight causing the drops to shimmer like rare gems.
"Is this some sick kill list or something?"
No response, just tears, leaking silently from your deep y/e/c eyes.
"Because if you mess with him I swear-"
A choked laugh escaped you crimson lips, your tongue swiping some lipstick from them. "I'm not going to hurt you brother." You then handed him the note and turned, your back facing the window you were gazing from and sliding to the floor.
Above you Sirius eyes widened as he read the note left by your mother before processing the list below.
He glanced down at you, your mascara was leaking slightly from the corner of your eyes, your hair was a bit tangled, your hand wrapped around the neck of your bottle as you brought it to your lips, leaving a bit of deep red lipstick on its rim. He recognized the look on your face. It was completely vacant, despite the tears, no emotion lived in your features.
Your eyes blank and staring, mouth a straight line, not turning up or down. Your whole face was simply empty. Sirius remembered seeing that face in his mirror after he received a letter from home. And he knew that you felt how you looked. Empty.
He sighed, sliding to the floor beside you. Your long black nails came to your face furiously wiping at the tears on your cheek, refusing to meet his eye.
"I know this doesn't matter to you but 11 guys wanting to marry you is pretty good." Sirius shrugged attempting to lighten your mood
You emitted what was either a sob or a laugh, he couldn't tell, "There were more, my mom cut out the ones that she didn't think were 'acceptable'" you made air quotes with your hands.
"Damn." The Gryffindor huffed, "What does the circle around Regs name mean?" He asked he didn't want to push you but he had to know. Because for some reason, he didn't want it to mean what he thought it did.
You fidgeted with the end of your jacket, leaning your head back against the rock wall behind you. "He's my top choice." You mumbled, blushing a bit, another thing that Sirius had never seen you do, even when your sex life became everyone's life.
Sirius cringed, feeling dread soak into his bones and fill him to the brim, the idea of the y/h/c in front of him marrying his younger brother made him sick. "W-why?" He stumbled lightly over his words as they seemed to get caught in his throat.
You finally met his eyes, they seemed to swirl with different shades of grey like a hurricane with a black eye.
"I don't know." You voice was rough, sounded like it was a tap away from breaking, "Hes nice, polite, attractive. He's not a complete perv."
Sirius now wore a sly smirk, the corners of his lips curving up neatly, "You think Regulus is attractive?"
You rolled your eyes, "Yes, of course I do, jawline like that don't grow on trees."
Sirius let out a barking laugh, you could feel his shoulder shake beside you.
You exhaled loudly rolling your eyes again before handing the bottle to Sirius. He glanced at the almost empty bottle than back at you eyebrows raised in a silent question.
You shrugged, "High tolerance."
"You know that isn't good right?"
"No Black," you drawled sarcastically, "I'm as stupid as you are."
He smacked his hand to his chest and mimicked a shocked expression you felt your eyes roll instinctively in their sockets.
He dropped the act and chuckled finishing off the bottle with a final swig. "So if you think my brothers hot, where does that leave me?"
"God Black, don't you think your head is big enough already?" You inquired, raising an eyebrow.
"Humor me." He smiled pulling out a pack of smokes.
You took a cigarette, holding it out for him to light, "Fine, yes you are extremely attractive."
He flashed a set of pearly straight teeth, the warm orange light from his lighter reflecting from them as he lit the smoke you held out to him.
"How bout me?" You asked after taking a huff and watching as the smoke from your exhale trailed away.
Sirisu hummed in confusion.
"You know, humor me, how attractive am I?" You asked nonchalantly.
Sirius suddenly felt color rise to his cheeks, he hoped you would blame it on the alcohol. The truth was no girls really asked him what he thought. Well that's a lie, they ask if he thought they were pretty all the time. Asked if he thought they were good enough. But never like this. They all cared, they would burst into tears if he answered wrong. They would hate him for an answer and love him for another.
But not you. You didn't care in the slightest. He could have said he would have rather fucked a lizard than you and you would have shrugged and continued with the conversation. And something about that made Sirius flush.
"Well? Don't tell me I'm that bad." You giggled, although your tolerance was high, the alcohol was definitely getting to you.
Sirius quickly gained back his charms, "My dear y/n, trust me you are gorgeous."
"Thank you." You smiled suggestively adding a wink that made Sirius stomach fill with wings.
There was a long pause, the sound of crickets and small frogs chirping faint in your ears. Smoke drifted from the room as a crisp chill filled the air.
Finally Sirius spoke, "So your really gonna marry my brother?"
You cringed at the word marry scratching at your wrist nervously, "I guess so. What other choice do I have?"
"You could leave." Sirius muttered putting out his cigarette on the wall behind him.
"No I can't." You all but whispered.
"Yes you can y/n, no offense but your parents are assholes, you don't need them."
"No Sirius!" You yelled voice loud and echoing off the open room, "I can't." Your voice had dropped once again, your words almost inaudible."I can't." You repeated face once again empty of emotion. He watched in horror as you put your smoke out on your own skin. He could hear it sizzle in protest for just a moment before the small orange glow disappeared.
"Why?" He asked annoyed, "What are you scared?"
"Yes!" You shouted. Sirius' eyes widened in surprise and for a brief moment fear as you turned toward him in anger. "You wanna know why I can't leave? Because last time I tried to leave I almost died!"
Sirius eyes filled with guilt. His annoyed look turning to one of pity.
"You think I haven't tried to leave? I have! The second my mom mentioned marriage I packed my bags! But when my mother and father caught me trying to sneak out they used two of three of the unforgivable curses on me to get me to stay!"
Sirius winced, feeling the pain from far away memories returning to him.
"So I can't leave. They'll kill me. I know they will."
Sirius said nothing. He simply sat staring straight ahead. You expected him to say some inspirational bullshit or just tell you to go for it, but he didn't. He just handed you another cigarette and lit it for you.
Your face had been sucked of all signs emotion except for one tear rolling slowly down you right cheek. It had cooled from the midnight air and now felt like a drop of ice slowly melting down your warm cheeks.
You could feel the alcohol slowly affecting you as if it was finally catching up with you. You could feel the rational parts of yourself drift away and just then it was occurring to you that you had been irrational since the long haired boy walked in. You turned towards him, head fuzzy, stomach buzzing, and he turned to you.
Your eyes locked grey staring into y/e/c as y/e/c stared into grey. You blinked twice, attempting to make a decision. All you could think about was how empty you felt. How much you wanted to feel something. Sirius could do that. He could make you feel something. Something.
Your lips connected with his sloppily, your nose bumping his, as you dropped your smoke, hands connecting with his hair as he fought for dominance in your mouth. You didn't taste anything but fire whiskey and cigarettes, nothing different than what you tasted of. His tongue explored your mouth as Sirius pulled you onto his lap. You felt his hands roam your body enjoying they pressure they held on your hips as his lips passed down your neck. Seconds before your memory fade to black, you remembered thinking how much different Sirius' hands felt on your skin than anyone else.
You woke to a familiar sight. Well by familiar you mean unfamiliar, but unfamiliar had become familiar to you. You could feel a warm arm wrapped around your bare waist, your head pounding behind your eyes as a bare chest pressed to your back.
You could also hear whispers. They were hushed and quick, you could only make out a few words.
"How did he-" a pause of mumbles
"That's so-" more incoherent words, "I mean what about the…" the murmurs sunk to low for your ears to pick up.
You opened your eyes slowly opened, you turned to see three boys who you recognized immediately staring at you. They all flushed realizing you were awake but before they could speak you brought your finger to your mouth.
"Be quiet." You hissed dangerously, wincing at the sudden stab behind your head.
They all nodded slowly, wide eyes trading for confused ones. You slowly slipped from the bed, doing everything in your power to not wake the boy sleeping next to you.
You let out a sigh of relief hearing Sirius snore quietly, something you found yourself thinking was adorable. You turned to see the three boys staring at you in awe, shot them a smirk as you gathered your clothes sliding on your panties and bra. You could feel their eyes follow you around the room, honestly you didn't mind in the slightest.
You turned after grabbing your jeans they were all bright red, James smirking as the other two refused to meet your eye. You felt your lips twitch into a wolfish grin.
"Enjoy it while you can boys, this will be the last time you see it."
James let out a hearty laugh as Peter looked away Remus blushing amazingly red.
"Except you." You pointed at the werewolf "You might see this again." You winked as he sputtered for words.
You slid on your t-shirt snatching your jacket from the ground. "Hopefully I'll see some of you again very soon." you winked, eyes locked with Remus as he grew impossibly warmer.
You then walked promptly from the dorm room, earning a few glances, but you didn't care, you walked swiftly to your own common room, muttering the password and entering. A few first years looked up before whispering to each other. You rolled your eyes heading to your dorm. You were greeted by a pissed off pair of deep brown eyes adorned in yellow robes.
"You said you would study with me this morning!" Harper scrolled you.
"I can still study!" You fought back, calling on to your bed.
"Please." Your friend scoffed, "Your hung over and what ever boy you got back from fucking is going to wake up and look for you."
You laughed, "Please."
"They always look for you because your too pussy to tell them you only wanted to get laid."
"Trust me this guy is not going to look for me." You assured her as you stood rummaging through your things for something to dull the pain in your head.
"They always look." Harper said with a roll of her eyes.
"This guy won't." You promised tossing back some advils you found.
"Is he dead?" She asked sarcastically.
"No."
"Then he'll look for you." She stated matter of factly.
"Look its Sirius Black he's not going to look for anyone." You sighed, and for some reason this realization brought you nothing but pain. The idea of him not caring hurt. But you weren't sure why. It's not like you cared.
"You slept with Black?" Harper gasped.
"Yes" you rolled your eyes, "Half the school has done it, it's not that big of an accomplishment."
Harper let out a magnificent laugh, "That's true. Now come on, if you can study, let's study."
It was in your firm belief that Sirius would not look for you, talk to you or even mention you, but boy did you wish he would. As you walked down to the library you found your self craning your neck to catch a glimpse of his glossy black hair or his dashing grin. But you saw no such thing, he didn't care. You reminded yourself, and neither do you.
You had run into the younger Black brother though. He had greeted you and Harper politely despite the Hufflepuffs half-blood status. He had even carried the books you had been struggling with for you. He walked you to the library sharing a small conversation before heading to breakfast.
"Are you gonna choose him?" Harper asked, "He gives off like a mysterious, proper sorta vibe."
You darkened slightly at the memory of choosing your betrothed, making Harper regret her decision on topics of decisions, mumbling an apology.
You waved her off, "I don't know." Your awnser was honest, you had no fucking clue.
"Well, I think Black is a pretty good choice, he's nice, he's polite, not to mention really hot." She shrugged attempting to lighten the mood.
"Yeah he is." You hummed thinking of a different Black.
Harper didn't miss the distance your eyes held. Something was up with you. Not just the shit with your family but something else.
But before she could ask a booming voice called out your name.
Both girls turned to meet eyes with four boys. Two hanging back slightly as the other two headed straight towards your table.
"They always look." Harper mumbled beside you, but you couldn't hear her over the rushing in your ears. Your heart began to speed as the pair of grey eyes you had looked for this morning shined brightly at you.
"Yes, Black?" You asked casually as if you didn't feel like suddenly throwing up.
"Left quite early this morning." He sneered playfully plopping into the chair next to you.
"Well your snoring woke me." You lied turning back to your work attempting to ignore the pressure his stare held on you.
"Also gave the boys quite a show." He shrugged, "Didn't know you were into Remus."
You ignored Harpers confused glance and Remus' flushing face behind you.
"Please." You scoffed, "We all know I'm flirty by nature."
Sirius felt his heart squeezed, he really didn't mean anything to you. Who cares you didn't mean anything to him. "I guess we do." He huffed feeling suddenly overwhelmly sad. He glanced up at you, your y/h/c hair framing your soft face, y/e/c eyes glinting your pretty pink lips pulled to a lopsided grin. God how he wanted to feel them against his skin again.
"Is there a reason for your visit?" You asked impatiently, not liking the queasy feeling that his presence gave you.
"Oh, umm y-yes." Siriua stumbled on his words. "I have your jacket." He shoved the leather jacket he was holding at you. "I think you have mine."
You flushed, "Oh, sorry, it's in my room. I can go get it I'd you-"
"Its fine." Sirius assured you, placing his hand on your shoulder. The touch felt electric, like a spark that will set off a bomb. Sirius eyes roamed you landing on the dark marks he left on the open skin on your neck. You bathed in crimson when you noticed where his eyes lingered.
"Sirius!" James voice brought him back to reality. The boy removed his hand from your shoulder and snapped his eyes back to your own.
"I'm, I'm sorry." He stuttered scratching the back of his neck.
"It's fine." You smiled weakly.
"So um I'll, I'll just go." He tumbled banging his knee as he stood, he swore as James let out a barking laugh.
"Wait what about your jacket?" Harper called after him.
"Just bring it to me whenever." He spoke hurriedly, he needed to get out of there.
You let out a breath you didn't realize you were holding when he exited the room.
Harper looked at your eyebrows raised.
"What?" You asked attempting to turn your attention back to your essay.
"You're blushing." She pointed out, "You never blush."
"I am not blushing." You huffed angrily even though you could feel your face glow.
"Yeah sure." Harper drawled eyeing you skeptically.
"I'm not!" You exclaimed.
"Totally." She said narrowing her eyes.
"Stop saying it like that!" You shouted.
"Like what."
You let out a frustrated whimper grabbing your things and heading for the doors. "I was not blushing!" You added quickly before retreating to your common room, cheeks still burning.
The next week was weird, it was like someone had flipped a switch to make you like everyone else.
Suddenly you became awkward and clumsy, you blushed and stuttered when you were nervous. It was all so strange and awkward and it was all because of him.
Sirius Blafk had done something to you. You didn't know what it was and you did not care for it in the slightest. Every Time you saw him you hated the way you looked. You suddenly began to wonder if your makeup was too dark or if your hair was too messy. When you passed him in the hall, you felt your throat close and your stomach do flips.
In charms you couldn't focus anymore. He was alway right across from you laughing with his friends and playing pranks on Snape. You were now constantly biting your long nails, something you had never done before, you had begun to find your mind wandering subjects you didn't want it to. It was if you had lost all control of your thoughts. And you had.
Sirius found himself in a similar situation. Suddenly your image planted itself into his brain and your voice rang in your ears. He saw you everywhere. The more he tried to get you away from him, the closer you became. He had become moody, everything would make him feel something, every little thing made him fight with an emotion, he wasn't accustomed to so much ... feeling. It was like someone had turned into a fourteen year old girl. It was terrible. To make things worse you were always with someone else, something that made him feel unexplainable fury. Every Time he saw you giggle with Avery or smile at Diggory his heart would clench, pausing slightly before he continued on, his mood soured. To make things worse Regulus never seemed to leave your side. He was carrying your books to class, sitting with you at meals, studying with you in the library. Why did Regulus get to do all that? Why did his little brother get to bathe in the light of your smile so often? That wasn't fair.
The rest of the marauders had noticed the long haired boys sudden mood changes. They had first though he had just had a bad day, but when a day stretched to a week, they had grown concerned. Remus was of course the first to identify the cause, with James lost in emerald eyes, and Peter busy being about as observant as a brick wall, it was pretty much his obligation to do so. He noticed the way Sirius's eyes lingered on you, how he soaked in your form as you passed in the corridor. He saw how Sirius would glare at boys you spoke to, specifically his little brother who seemed to be near you at all times. It didn't take the young werewolf long to put two and two together. Upon his new discovery, he began to pay more and more attention to you.
He noticed how you avoided Sirius at all costs, he saw the way you blushed when Sirius laughed around you. He also caught you staring across the charms room at the long haired boy when he wasn't paying attention. Everything you did confused him. Because while Sirius seemed head over heels, you either hated him or loved him. It was hard to tell.
But it wasn't for Harper. She knew you were in love with the older Black brother the second he walked into that library. You didn't even have to do anything. You simply looked at him and she could tell. It was like some alarm going off in her head, telling her what was up. When Harpet first realized this, she attempted to tell herself that she was wrong, it was silly, you didn't 'love'. But then she watched as you blushed and watched and avoided, and she knew you were deep in it. Harper was terrified to bring it up with you. She knew that in a way you already knew, but if she brought it up, made you truly realize, things could get ugly.
But she couldn't wait any longer. You had to see what was in front of you or you would only get hurt.
So now the burnet Hufflepuff, paced nervously in your dorm waiting for you to come in. She had a plan in her head, but it still didn't change the fact that she was a nervous wreck.
Most people would constantly tease their friend if they believed them to be in love, but with you love wasn't an option, you had obligations, not feelings. In fact, you didn't even believe in love. You treated it like some superstition. It wasn't real to you. Not like she could blame you, you were going to be forced to marry some guy you definitely didn't want to at age 17, your parents the same way, and their parents and their parents and their parents. It was a never ending cycle of loveless life.
Harpers frantic thoughts were interrupted by a loud thump. The girl turned to see you ditching your bag on the floor and huffing to your bed. You fell on to your mattress blankets ripping slightly like someone had tossed a pebble into a smooth lake.
"You okay?" Harper asked cautiously.
You sat up meeting the pair of green eye scanning you in concern. "Marleen is such a bitch." You stated beginning to pick at your nails.
"Can't disagree with that." Harper chuckled, "What she do now?"
"She said I was Sirius 'sloppy seconds' which makes literatly 0 sense. And now she's pinning after him again." You seethed angrily.
"You're in love with him aren't you?"
Harper's plan just crashed through the window.
"What?!" You exclaimed."In love? With who? Black!? Never!"
"Y/n/n, it's not a bad thing to be in love." Harper spoke calmly attempting to soothe your fury.
"I'm not in love! Love is bullshit!" You had how risen from the bed, your hand clenched into fists beside you.
"Y/n I see the way you look at him I'm not blind! You love him! You get all flustered and weird around him, and I know you know what's going on, you just are too scared to admit it."
"I'm not scared of shit. I know who I am and what I feel and I'm going to tell you this one time. I. Don't. Love."
"Everyone loves y/n!" Harper heaved, her eyes desperate for you to understand. How could you not see what was in front of you. But she knew you were blinded by fear. Fear of what most craved.
"What the hell would you know about love?!" Your voice echoed off the stone walls of the small room, reminding Harper of a jail cell.
"Clearly more than you!" She huffed back anger sewn delicately into each word she spoke.
"You will never know more than me you worthless HALFBLOOD!" You spat the last word of your damaging sentence as if it were a bitter taste you were attempting to ride your tongue of.
Harpera eyes flashed with fear. Not fear of some asshole who you had to kick the shot out of, not of Malfoy, not of one of one of the boys who had suddenly become aggressive in there chase after you. But fear oif you. She was afraid of you.
The fear left her eyes and was replaced by fury and disgust in a second. Harper walk straight to you practically shaking with rage and she slapped you across your face. You gasped head turning from the impact of her hand. When you turned back she was already practically out of the door. You felt tears slip from your eyes and you shrunk to the floor clutching your cheek.
It wasn't the pain that hurt. Well it was but it wasn't the pain from the slap. It was the pain that the look in Harpers eyes sent through you. It was the pain from the momentarily fear that ripped through her. It was the pain of you realizing you had just lost your only true friend.
Your body shook with sobs, the force of your tears making breaths hard to gather. Suddenly the door to your dormitory burst open.
"Holy shit y/n/n."
You could hardly hear the voice over the echo of your own sobs. But soon a pair of arms wrapped slowly around you lifting you slowly from the floor. You buried your face into the cloak of the boy who now held you in his arms. You took a sharp breath of alcohol and smoke, with an undertone of chocolate.
(Well fuck I hit the word limit. Click THIS for Ending.)
Taglist
@accio-rogers @roslea @k3nz-doodl3 @songforhema
#sirius black imagines#sirius black x oc#sirius black x reader#sirius black#sirius black x marlene mckinnon#sirius black x remus lupin#regulus black imagines#regulus black x reader#remus lupin imagines#remus lupin x oc#remus lupin x reader#sirius balck x you#marauders imagines#marauders au#marauders era#marauders roleplay#harry potter imagine#harry potter#harry potter imagines#harry potter au#remus x sirius#remus#draco imagines#draco x reader#draco malfoy imagines#draco x oc#draco malfoy x reader#fred weasley imagines
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session 62 end
did we just hit like a fucking dead end with the kids, like a bad ending to the game????? and we gotta restart that shit in order to just pretend it never existed??? to show the readers that things CAN go wrong from here on out and the kids have to be careful?? that its not just a game anymore?? that fuck- ive watched doctor who, ik all that doomed timeline bullshit and we cant save them sort of dealio but seriously
why? why are we here? why is this happening??? (good question, i dont have an answer)
was john following GC’s advice the start to this whole alt ending or smth?
like i really want to continue but i have work in the early morning and i feel this will take a while and i dont want to quit randomly in the middle of the explanation as to what happened to john/jade and how dave will fix this all with his new time powers and whatnot. god i want to say how cool that is, and expand on the game giving them fucking powers of all things but...
im also a little distraught
i.... dont even know what to say. im upset lol.
because uhhhh john is dead.
like he’s actually dead.
and so is jade... presumably. but honestly, she probably is. which fucking sucks ass. since john wasnt there to help her out on her session which probably left her stranded. GOD THATS SAD NO WHAT THE FUCK
wait no, the saddest part i think is how dave/rose had to deal with it. how theyre only 13 and they had to see their friends die. they had to spend 4 months on a game where it was only the two of them and they probably couldnt carry on without jade/john which means there was no getting out of the medium. dave was stuck on lava land for that long. is there even water??? kid could be so dehydrated oh my god.
fuck
4 months
4 months of that bullshit
AND DAVE PROBABLY BLAMED HIMSELF WHAT THE FUCK HE LET JOHN GO WITH IT, HE SAID ILL SEE YOU LATER AND DIDNT STOP ANYTHING. I TOLD YOU SOMETHING BAD WOULD HAPPEN I JUST DIDNT REALIZE IT WAS THIS FUCKING BAD. I THOUGHT ON THE LINES OF JOHN SURVIVES BUT JUST GETS INTO SOME SHIT YKNOW. NOT FUCKING DEATH. AND DAVE HAD 4 MONTHS OF PROBABLY SAYING IT WAS HIS FAULT OH MY GOD HERE IT IS THE TEARS HAVE COME OH GREAT THIS IS FUN I LOVE CRYING
fuck
and i have to sleep now
and i have to process this
and i have to like
maybe mourn idk
i have work tmr lmfao
maybe i can say im grieving and get the shift off
anyways, so that whole plan GC made... she basically doomed john. she killed him. idk if she knew what she was doing or simply didnt understand what would happen but decided “hey this seems alright with no consequences” and then fucked herself over. but still. im guessing this is her fault. man, i was really starting to like her too wtf.
what kind of messed up fucking game is this?? god. dave didnt want to play it at first. god, rose probably feels like shit too bc she was the one who pressured the boys in playing it during act 1. and now shes gonna cease to exist?? literally stop. just no. hussie rewrite this pls, ill pay you like the only $20 i have.
THEYRE T H I R T E E N MAN I CANT STRESS THAT ENOUGH
and ik its gonna be okay but that did just happen and its not as if we’re just going to forget it was a thing simply bc the time got reversed. idk.
im gonna sleep this off i think.
hh
goodnight guys.
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all things considered, i think the blue lions ending is the “true” ending and at least the happiest of endings... we’ll see when the dlcs come out tho
spoilers under cut
THE TEA IS SIPPETHED
it’s literally the only ending in which dimitri lives and becomes the “savior king” and saves the continent and creates a new democratic government to fix the broken old noble/chest system.
edelgard dies but like. she did that to herself by LITERALLY STARTING A WAR AND KILLING THOUSANDS OVER 5 YEARS. like that bitch had it coming. she may have wanted a better future by getting rid of a corrupt church but fuck that bitch honestly she coulda gone about it in a better way
idk about the golden deer route, i havent seen much on it, but eh dimitri still dies and i think so does edelgard so it isnt much better. just slightly better than the black eagle route. church route is also in the same boat.
idk man dimitri and the blue lions literally did nothing wrong. the kingdom did nothing wrong, they only ever acted out of self defense. so fuck the empire honestly afjsafnjaksfajksfjaks for as wack as dimitri gets it ONLY happens because of MASSIVE ptsd, depression, and anxiety caused BY the empire, his step mother, and edelgard. like his step mom had his whole family killed in front of him, blamed it on duscur to destroy them, then she got killed by edelgard i think or smth. his dad LITERALLY was beheaded in front of him and people/buildings were burned too. like holy fuck he’s just a KID goddamn
anyways, the empire is literally the invading imperialistic army so. yeah. no. edelgard can’t just be like: “aw ur in the wrong dimitri!1!! you are a bad person to keep fighting back and killing more people!!111!! even tho i started all this shit and killed thousands of innocent people to begin with!1! i burned a whole village mother fucker!”
“UR A DELUSIONAL PRINCE FOR DEFENDING YOUR HOMELAND AND CHURCH ALLIES”
before killing him. like fuck. that. bitch. UGH.
like he didnt even know it was his step mom that did it until later when he finally takes the throne. it’s bullshit, all he knew is some bastards like the flame emperor were behind it, that’s all. he wanted Rightful revenge for the murder of his family, the destruction of garreg mach and the “death” of his teacher, AND the 5 year war that butchered the continent and his homeland.
dimitri is valid as FUCK for being pissed at her and the empire. wack. it’s all wack. he’s the best boy and the only route that leads to a good ending for him and the kingdom overall is the blue lions route so there.
he gets all crazed but honestly who wouldnt. dont gaslight the man for having a super fucked up life and stressful from like age 10 and on. he deserves peace for all he’s been through and he does a fucking fantastic job once he gets his shit together.
edit: based on all the likes i’ve been getting on this i can probably just assume that I Am Right About This
sorry i dont make the rules nsfjanfjannfjnnjk
also all the shit edelgard wanted? dimitri went and did anyways. he got rid of the bullshit nobility and made things more of a democracy. like all she did was kinda pointless and made a lot of enemies.
sure, byleth still has that thing in their chest but who GIVES A FUCK. they still live their life just fine like damn. rhea retires the fuck away regardless. so she aint being a tyrant anymore. byleth is in charge. like damn all the “good shit” from the black eagle playthrough is IN THIS ONE PLUS DIMITRI LIVES AND MORE PEOPLE LIVE AND HAVE GOOD LIVES.
so yeah
also also: empires always ALWAYS crumble as nations desire their independence. in a few decades after edelgard leaves you can BET your ass someone will wanna revolt from their control. imperialism never works forever folks. look at all of human history for that example. the other nations in fodlan should remain free.
i think by the end dimitri rules all the lands in fodlan? mainly bc the empire just got dethroned and they are destabilized (the alliance is also destabilized but i think they are mostly ok), so it makes sense he would rule/join the two (empire/kingdom) together for mutual growth. but they are still at least sorta recognized as their own territories. they aren’t just wiped from history like edelgard did ffs.
ALSO. ANOTHER THING (sorry i keep editting this bc i have so many thoughts)
THE FINAL FUCKING CUTSCENE OF BLUE LIONS
AFTER FUCKING EVERYTHING HE OFFERS EDELGARD HIS HAND. EVEN AFTER THE WAR. AFTER SHE TURNED INTO A FUCKING DEMON AND TRIED TO KILL HIM. AFTER. FUCKING. EVERYTHING. HE STILL GIVES HER ONE LAST CHANCE
HE FUCKING MEANS IT TOO, THIS AIN’T SOME BULLSHIT PLOY.
BUT NO, SHE FUCKING STABS HIM WITH THE KNIFE HE GAVE HER ALL THOSE YEARS AGO. SO HE HAS TO KILL HER WITH HIS LANCE. HE ISN’T STARTLED OR SURPRISED. JUST HURT.
STONE COLD AFTER BEING BETRAYED BY HER OVER AND OVER AGAIN. HE JUST RIPS THAT SHIT OUT AND DROPS IT ON THE FLOOR. HE’S DONE WITH HER AND NEEDS TO MOVE ON.
BUT! BUT! BYLETH LOOKS BACK AT HER AND SO DOES DIMITRI, BUT BYLETH STOPS HIM. DON’T LOOK BACK. MOVE ON. THE FUCKING HAND HOLD. LIKE DAMN. BEST BUDS FOR LIFE. THEY GOT EACH OTHER’S BACK LIKE NO ONE ELSE.
AND THEY MOVE ON INTO THE LIGHT TO THE CHEERING CROWDS BECAUSE AT LONG FUCKING LAST THE WAR IS OVER AND THEY STILL HAVE THEIR INTEGRITY.
after all the bullshit, they still have the highest moral ground and actually fix things. even after offering their enemy peace.
----------------------------------------------
after the cutscene!! the epilogue!!
LIKE MOTHER FUCKER, THIS IS ALL THE PROOF YOU NEED THAT HE IS THE BEST BOY AND HAS THE BEST ROUTE FUCK OFF
DEMOCRACY: CHECK
HELPING THE DISADVANTAGED: CHECK
LISTENING/HELPING TO MINORITIES/FOREIGNERS/DUSCUR: CHECK
CORRUPTION FREE: CHECK
BYLETH IS FINE AND IS THE NEW ARCH BISHOP FOR A BETTER CHURCH, RHEA JUST PEACES OUT: CHECK
MOVING PAST HIS MENTAL ILLNESS AND PTSD FOR THE BETTERMENT OF HIMSELF AND OTHERS/THE KINGDOM: CHECKITY FUCKING CHECK
THE ABSOLUTE LEGEND HIMSELF, DIMITRI
edit edit: also look at the murals specifically, i’m gonna point out some shit real quick.
first, dimitri’s:
It’s in nature. Birds and trees and leaves. Calm and harmonious.
Children are playing and smiling, food is being passed out by the soldiers to the people. they are thankful.
byleth is addressing the people, writing out reforms and decrees, making sure things are aright.
the people of duscur are literally at the side of dimitri, the king.
looks like people from the alliance are on the far left of the mural, they are carrying gifts but they dont seem unhappy about it. just. normal.
dimitri is lower than everyone on the canvas besides a person on their knees asking for help and literal children. he is seated down at THEIR level, smiling AT them and doesn’t mind the kid pulling at him and playing. very relaxed. he’s sitting on just a regular ol’ tree stump. no throne. no opulence. just him, bc that’s all that’s needed.
NOW, LET’S LOOK AT EDELGARD’S OOHH BOY:
she is the tallest above them all, next to her is a divine figure, she is holding a staff as well. she is power. she is above all other peoples. she is STEPPING on a national flag with impunity. she doesn’t CARE she is the one in charge and no one can stand against it.
everyone from the other nations are bowing their heads and being submissive, but they certainly dont look happy. they look anxious as hell. their kingdoms are literally being trampled by the emperor. she is in her grand castle, gold and red and opulent. power and riches and rule.
the common folk, however look up to her. they see her as a second saint seiros. a better one. hence the divine figure next to her. she is like a god to them. not ideal. they seem happy, but no. they are looking to her for guidance in a troubled time caused by HER actions.
let’s not forget the mage in the back holding a knife. things are far from peaceful.
the two very different moods of these pictures say all. one is true peace where everyone seems to be thriving with a compassionate ruler.
the other is domineering and crushing in presence. people are anxious about the future with violence still on the horizon.
yeah, no. blue lions >>>> black eagles.
(i’m currently playing through golden deer which is looking p good so far, def better than black eagles and then im gonna do the church route. we’ll see how THAT goes anfjanjfnnfasjns)
edelgard stans dont interact
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i know i have become a shit post queen but this site is a good place to just dump thoughts when i’m too lazy to actually write them down so don’t mind me. also i’m “ok enough”. like i’m not ok-ok but i’m not like badly not ok.
ok? anyway.
so idk what it is. being raised by emotionally distant parents esp my mom or the depression thats probably also related to that but man i just feel so empty for such long periods of time. empty, or maybe detached is a better word. and just really really restless. and also that when i have good emotions, i dont feel them all that much. idk. sometimes i feel like i’m on the outside looking in on my life. i have a lot of feelings but then at the same time i dont. maybe because i repress a lot then it all builds up and explodes. idk. its awful though.
i also feel like i have two very distinct sides to me. half of me is like fuck this shit i just want to self destruct but i wont because i’m too responsible to do that and the other half is like wow life is so interesting i am a spirit not a body and i want to be an enlightened being. neither of those sides of me is less me than the other. neither is a farce or anything but its fucking hard for those two sides of me to coexist. the only middle ground, which is probably like 1/3 of the time how i feel, is blah. neutral to absolutely everything.
and i think ive talked about this before but before the whole corona/quarantine thing i was at this extreme level of DONE with feeling isolated in my life, esp as a sahm. done with falling into the trap of believing being a mom was my whole identity (and its definitely a part of it, of course. but i think its unhealthy for moms to think its all we are) like i totally lost myself for a while. my daughters birth being traumatic and her having potential life long complications (and ‘potential’ meaning, her diagnosis is so complicated. theres never going to be a time where we get a real “all clear”. some kids have developed seizures again way down the road, especially at certain ages where kids go through a lot of development.) and then ofc just raising a child with all of that going on, plus normal toddler craziness, plus having a kid who is super hyper and smart and amazing but parenting after having a difficult relationship with your own mother is one of those things that is really hard and not talked about enough. i never feel like im doing enough. i never feel like she likes me.i know thats so stupid but i really am that insecure about my parenting, no matter how hard i try. i just want my child to love me and sometimes toddlers do things that make you feel like crap (ex ‘i dont want u mom i want daddy!’ and i can rationalize it, dad’s the exclusive parent. i’m just here all the time like the furniture. i get it.) and its just a big complicated thing with my emotions. not what i was trying to say tho i got off track.
anyway the isolation thing. so i had a plan. a plan!!! i have this one awesome long time friend, honestly my only friend outside of my husband who knows me like the good bad and ugly, has known me for a very long time, and has been there for me through some really tough shit. he’s like the brother i never had, truly. (i have a biological brother but we dont really talk.) so i talked to him about things i was going through and he’s also been going through a challenging time in his life and he told me he’d help me get out there. we were going to force me to learn to socialize and make friends in “real life” by putting me in those situations. we were going to go to some poetry club. a show downtown. like i was ready. then corona happened. and my already crawling out of my skin isolation got worse because hey we cant do anything now, not even see my one friend.
so yeah. i was fine in the beginning of all this because i figured, hey by may itll be over! then hey by june! then maybe 4th of july. which has become, my daughter is so excited about her birthday party in august and i dont even know if i can throw her one and i dont know how to deal with this or explain it to her.
i know this is major first world problems and im all over the place and i document this dumb shit because i hope one day i’ll be so far past it and be able to look back and think well wow i made it through 2020 but yeah idk
i think part of it is i’m turning 27 in two weeks and my saturn return thing is just getting so close and i’m starting to see the beginning of shit in my life crumbling underneath me. like i know what i gotta do. i have to put myself out there. i have to get out of my safety zone. and i have to use my gifts to help others not just sit here drowning in my self pity but obviously its hard to challenge yourself and put yourself out there, literally, during a pandemic.
and the last point which is just something that boggles my mind about myself that i dont understand. like i’m definitely depressed. i have very bad anxiety too. and even though i can be extremely self pitying and go into like a black hole of sadness, i still dont let myself do bad things. which is good, obviously. but its iike i’ve been recovered from self injury for probably about ten years but some days i am so deep in my shitty feelings or empty feelings that i just want to do it again but i cant. theres something in me that wont let me. and i guess im glad for that, obviously. i guess my life/universe/guardian angel is trying to force me to face shit for real and not just have shitty coping mechanisms but idk. like it was a bad outlet but idk. sometimes, just sometimes, i feel like it did more for me than just writing things out. which is bullshit because it did nothing for me except give me a bunch little permanent reminders of shitty times. but idk. that’s my brain for you. sometimes i want to just let it all go and be a mess in my feelings and not care if i’m ok but then my brain is like nope bitch you cant do that. youre not 17 anymore, get up.
and i know some people would read this (well no - no one would read all this lmao but in a theoretical sense) and think like, oh did you try therapy or oh maybe try meds and the thing is
therapy - i tried it. i liked the idea of it. bad fit with the therapist tho. didnt like being kicked out after 45 min (which i understand but bitch i need more than that to explain one problem) and it felt weird to be told by her, that she felt like i had a good handle on things. cause i dont really feel that way and i feel like she didnt have much to tell me in terms of how to idk fix myself besides journaling, which i’ll give her. it helps
meds: i i dont really want to go that route yet because my body is really sensitive to medication. like i dont even take bc or anything like that. however i think ive decided that since its super legal and obtainable i might try pot once we are able to move into our own place. so if anyone did actually read this far and have experience with that (esp w anxiety) please enlighten me. i had some samples of some cbd stuff and it was amazing for my anxiety but it’s way too expensive for me to use consistently.
this has been a very long shit post but i feel better so theres that.
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pissed @ my ex. honestly i’ve been trying to be nice and civil and just be friendly. we dont talk that much but when we do i try to keep it to safe topics like anime and shit. i’m just trying to be nice especially bc he’s taking care of some of my shit (like my fish etc) while i’m away. but honestly this dude is pushing me to my limit. it’s one thing to bring up the girl you’re seeing or whatever even though we both specifically said we dont want to hear about the other person’s dating life but whatever. i can put up with it if i ask some vague “how are things?” question or whatever. fine. but then you start bringing her up when the conversation wasnt even going there??? like just randomly talk about meeting her family or how her mom cooked you food etc. or like talking about how she bought you expensive shoes but “i dont fw that like who does that we barely know each other” and then go into say “but it’s nice being spoiled ig” as if i didn’t do that but whatever. anywayyyy. and then be like “gtg bc i gotta see her later” like SHUT UUUUUP!!!! and i know him and i know if i say “hey honestly i would like it if you STOPPED talking about her and you and her” like UGH i know if i do that he will throw a fit. also i may very well be fulfilling the thing he wants which is like “making me jealous” idk bitch u cant send me fucking hearts but also break up with me but also want to be with me but also try to fucking shove this “we’re not together but we’re going on dates no it’s not DATING there’s a difference” bullshit down my throat. like no more mixed signals. i dont want you anymore but it fucking hurts having you shove this shit in my face constantly. im not jealous bitch im just hurt and you arent letting me NOT be hurt.
#vent#personal#you can like#do not rb#like stop making me hate u dude#i'm too nice of a person and im trying to not outright hate your guts#but you are making it harder and harder each day#tbh we cant even talk about anime sometimes without it devolving into some real bullshit bro#and i look like the bad guy lmaooo#real rich shit
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i feel like liara was written solely with a romance in mind and never really friendship. she couldve been used to give us more asari politics and pureblooded background stuff but she got just as much screwed over by bioware as did every interaction with her imo
oh yeah definitely. i know this conversation is like beating a dead horse, yknow, a decade later, but there’s no absolute friendship path with her. she’s always... in love with shepard? there’s no real hard line you can pull with her. you can’t even really point out she shouldn’t have given shepards body to cerberus, that it wasnt her call, that she didnt tell anyone else... like you only get to be like “oh why didnt you tell me” like??? anyway,
i think her character, personally, was wasted. while the shadow broker dlc was great and funny and actually made reference to shep’s backstory, and tela vasir was wicked with the charging thing (although so funny being lvl30 with a 2 second cooldown on charge and shes not getting any chance to charge either)... she’s touted as a prothean expert? she did honestly help shepard to understand the visions... and it kind of got lost somewhere around end of me1 and beginning of me3, only became relevant to her again on mars for plot reasons. oh and of course with how she speaks to javik for a good chunk of the game once you recruit him. yeah.
like i dont know if its also a huge thing with what even was the plot in the end besides “reapers” because, real talk, me2 was building on something that was mentioned a few times in me1, it got abandoned, it doesnt narratively fit anymore. shuffle everyone’s priorities around and whatnot. but idk they wrote a lot of liara under the assumption she was probably romanced, so she doesnt really get anything else... which is a failing of the writing. ppl did complain about how she has no other dialogue for a romance and its like... thats bc she was written to be romanced. it came first, her character and abilities and emotions all came second. every interaction with her is literally a romance part. why you get some awkward interactions later on where people reference it (the fucking “my girl” line just. god. why.)
and as far as the asari go, yeah. like wrex, tali, and garrus, liara wouldve been a great thread into the interpolitics of asari, as mass effect is written heavily human biased (like with the whole “no one has seen a quarian face” but garrus coughed in a serial killer quarians face so. hm.). also like we know there are issues with pureblooded children (doesnt have to have anything to do with ardat-yakshi which no one else besides cora apparently knows about), liara does have a half hanar sibling out there somewhere, her mother was quite well respected prior to saren’s bullshit, we know liara’s dad was laughed out of the asari airspace for daring to question the encouragement of maiden stage and so on like. we just got broad strokes of it instead of like. being involved in some way. odd mission. she wasnt a squadmate in me2, but she was on illium. couldve had something there as it is still asari space but its like a dressed up version of omega. me3, build on it again.
like they are such a formulaic company, and yet... when they dare to try something different they double back on it and make it a mess. and liara isnt even the formula or anything different. shes just their pet favourite and even she got the short end of the stick, because they gave her stuff like collecting shepards broken armour and putting it in a case in her apartment or apparently being the only one who cared enough to recover shepards body or mind melding 4873847 times or being auto picked by the game if you happen to be flirting with two people at once, or emphasised how young and youthful and naive she was but then did a 180 on her character and made her like her mother like. lmao. you have one opportunity in me1 iirc to turn her down, assuming you dont accidentally ask her about anything asari culture wise or you lock in. you have i think at least 6 chains to turn down the VS youre interested in.
shes all over the place yknow
#replies#also asari politic stuff meant we would probably see more than everything else we're stuck with#Anonymous
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lmao lmao lmao literally every time i went to my therapists i was always complaining about how i just wanted to fucking die and none of them took me seriously. i had one psychiatrist tell me i wasnt depressed because i dressed nice, then ordered blood tests and told me i had low vitamin d and thats why i was sad and told me basically i was faking and to get over myself. i get that low vitamin d can make you emotional/feel depressed but it wasnt even that low and even now when its a normal range i STILL FEEL LIKE SHIT so honestly fuck that doctor and i hope her practice goes under and she loses her fucking license for being a quack. oh yeah she also gave me a shit ton of adderall which is already a triggering drug for me bc my abuser abused it bc she was convinced i had add bc i said once that i SOMETIMES have trouble concentrating in class. i told her i was having panic attacks on it (i took one pill and i thought i was dying it made me feel awful) and she fucking UPPED THE DOSE. ugh fuck her she had the personality of a dead fish and looked like one. idk what i shoild have expected from someone with a freud bobblehead but yknow.
literally because of this asshole i dont shower/brush my teeth before i go to the therapist. and even still the past two i had kept telling me i wasnt that depressed i was just stressed out over moving to a new place and adjusting to adulthood or whatever even though i was fucking telling them i was suicidal every day and was struggling with staying sober from alcohol, starving myself and sh. every issue i had they would dismiss it. i am struggling so bad with flashbacks, nightmares and trauma. i am not coping well. all the emotional responses i've learned as a result of trauma are pushing everyone in my life away from me. i am risking losing all the relationships i have because of this shitty disorder and NO ONE WANTS TO HELP ME. no one fucking cares. i am screaming and begging and explaining things right in front of these so called professionals and they all fucking ignore me!!! they change the subject, try to get me to focus on something else, or shrug it off and tell me i'm overreacting and just stressed out and need to practice mindfulness. my diagnoses have changed so many fucking times im not even sure if im mentally ill or just a hypochondriac and maybe i just dont deserve to have relationships with anyone and am,destined to live in some assisted living facility for the rest of my life because i clearly cannot handle being an adult. i am suspicious its because im afab that they're not taking me seriously but all the therapists ive seen have been cis women and im still fucking treated like this. why me. what am i doing wrong. am i really such a fucking inconvenience that even for people whos literal job is to help others im just Too Much so they wanna feed me bullshit and send me on my way. im seeing another therapist and im fucking terrified the same thing is going to happen again. if it does im just gonna fucking kill myself. i cant do this anymore. no one cares. no one wants to help me. i obviously am not worth the time.
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Sorry about this I just really need to rant, Im gonna put a tw on this just in case bc idk what Im gonna say but Im so fucking angery >:( i have like 4 or 5 undiagnosed, completely untreated mental health things Including psychosis/schizospec, like am out here no meds no therapy bc services have been refusing to see me since i was like 13 (now 18) my mother refuses to believe me that im psychotic/schizospec and blames it on my vitamins/hormones/whatever, doesnt understand anything (1/?) - 🌟
“outside of her little narrow wellbeing "depression/anxiety" boxes, like those things suck and theyre super difficult, im just saying she doesnt understand there are other things. My dad is a fucking asshole, he makes me fun of me all the time for not being able to do simple things like get out of bed or taking forever to complete simple tasks like laundry (adhd/exec dysfunction), and he's even worse to my sister (autistic/adhd) and it just makes me so fucking angry like leave us alone!!”
“my now ex-boyfriend recently broke up w me for like the 3rd or 4th time which is a major struggle bc i also have boderline pd and we were together for p much like 2 years on and off and he said he never really liked me romantically this whole time, and I love him as a person but i also just wanna snap him like a glowstick because What The Fuck??? Took you two fucking years to figure that shit out????? Yeah whatever, but also he's my best friend so Im splitting on Him really badly
im just so frustrated because all the bad shit keeps happening to me like nothing remotely good that happens to me ever lasts and all the shitty things like the trauma and the abuse and the mental illness seems to Stick im just so tired, im so tired of screaming into the void that i want to be loved im so tired of begging to be treated like a real person by the people I love, is it too much to ask that something good Just Happens like it seems to Just Happen to everybody else??
is that selfish??? Is that unrealistic??? I dont know, I dont know anymore. Im so sorry for dumping all of this on you, I know you have ur own problems too so you can ignore all this if u want I just needed to Rant about it somewhere instead of just screaming into the void i needed someone to listen but u dont have to respond thats okay. I hope ur doing okay!! Ur drawings are very cute btw, keep practicing ur doing so well!!”
It’s not selfish and unrealistic to want good things to happen - and while you may not see how or when right now, I am sure that good things WILL start happening at some point if you keep doing your best to cope and move forward. Your current situation is not your final destination and change is one of the only guarantees in life - so even if everything sucks right now, most of the things you’re struggling with at the moment is temporary. Try to hold onto that.
According the lack of mental health care, have you looked into your options for seeking out mental health care on your own without involving your parents now where you’re a legal adult? As far as I’m aware, in most places child mental health services and adult mental health services are separate, meaning that even if child mental health services rejected you for years, that doesn’t necessarily equal that the adult mental health services will do the same thing. I definitely recommend looking into this if you haven’t already!
I’m so sorry to hear about your struggles with your parents and your ex boyfriend! It’s not easy to cope with mental illness, and facing judgment and ignorance from your loved ones definitely doesn’t make it any easier. Your ex honestly sounds like an asshole, and while you may still love him, this doesn’t automatically mean that he deserves anymore of your time. If you’ve been on and off for years and he hasn’t been willing or able to commit or even genuinely care, I think the best thing you can do is work towards moving on.
All in all this sounds like a real shitty and toxic situation and I am so sorry that you have to struggle through all this bullshit. It really isn’t fair. But please don’t let your current struggles convince you that it’s selfish or wrong to want to feel better, or that getting better is a hopeless project cause it isn’t. It may be hard and it may take time, but you deserve better and I promise you that if you keep pushing through and working on yourself, things will eventually improve.
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Edit: 1/24/19 Re-worded some stuff around and added some new ideas. Note to future self: if you want to write a goddamn essay about a cartoon you dont even watch consistently use the computer instead so you can actually see what you're writing. Itll prevent you from screwing up the sentence flow. 😘
Tbh I dont even go to RWBY class anymore, but I saw some spoilers and that Tweet about Adam being allergic to Blake and Yangs love has me like... Oof, where do I even begin to unpack my annoyance for this. Warning: this is going to be ranty because I feel a certain type of way about this topic.
1. I really fucking hate this trend that seems to be starting where showrunners are pairing off female characters who never had romantic interest in each other nor do they have any good chemistry together (even on a basic friendship level) and try to pretend like it was something planned since the beginning. Worst of all, they try to pass that shit off as bisexual representation. And as a bisexual woman I'm like lmao sure dude, my Bidar can see through that bullshit clear as fucking day mate, lol. Its extremely lazy and it makes it obvious that they only go this route so they can get Progressive Points to stave off any negativity their show's been getting. Because for some reason people want to settle for below mediocrity representation instead of... ya know, something that's actually good. And it makes me uncomfortable that people are using my sexuality as this quick-fix for their shows missteps so.... lol.
2. ANYWAYS Okay so... something that's always bothered me about Blake and Adam's dynamic is that... it's actually romantic?? They were in a relationship?? Which grosses me out to no end and I'm not sure why it had to be this way? Why is Adam an abusive psychopath? It's especially disturbing to me because Adam is leading a resistance against his peoples oppressors. Like the dude was a slave, he straight up has a BRAND on his face for fucks sake! Why would anyone think it was a good idea to make this kind of character an abusive monster? Like thanks! I hate it :)! (E) I completely forgot the age difference between them omg... they legit made him an ephebophile…🤢
Honestly RWBY could be stronger over-all if you change Adam's relationship with Blake from ex-boyfriend to a mentor/big brother type of deal. I know Blake and Adam are based off of Disneys Beauty and the Beast, but see the thing is you dont have to make it romantic. You just have to carry over the themes from the movie and expand upon them.
1. external monstrosity vs internal monstrosity; what makes a person truly monstrous.
2. Looking past the superficial to see someone for who they really are.
3. Two people find solace with each other after they've been othered by society for possessing certain characteristics deemed as abnormal.
Boom, there you go! Run with it!
Although tbh the last one will be difficult, if not impossible, to write because Blake comes from a privileged background. She's the daughter of a chieftain and grew up in the White Fang, who were originally a bunch of peaceful protesters. So her upbringing is going to be much more stable than Adam's was. If you want to make this work you're probably better off just rewriting Blake's entire backstory.
Now that I think about it I think the reason why Adam is... Like That is because he's supposed to be Gaston and The Beast mixed in one package? Maybe? He has The Beasts anger issues mixed with Gaston's creepy and obsessive behaviour towards Belle. Which is a very odd decision to make and to be honest I'm not sure if this was intentional or not (most likely not lol). Was it to show Adam's transition from The Beast to Gaston? But that doesn't work because The Beast and Gaston represent different ideologies. Maybe it's not even that deep, maybe it was just to show that people who've been abused can become abusers. Which is a fine concept and all but it didn't need to be applied to a former slave turned revolutionary leader.
I'm not saying Adam has to be completely devoid of any flaws, the anger he feels towards humanity is realistic and justified. When you've been dehumanized by a certain group of people, you are going to vehemently hate said group. This kind of hatred can consume you to the point where any malicious action you take is seen as justified. Cuz you know, why should you care about them when they've never given a shit about you? (A good example of this is in the Black trailer where he was going to blow up the train, completely disregarding the lives of the human passengers aboard it.)
[REDACTED]
Aight so when I was laying in bed, waiting for the sweet embrace of Rest to take me, I had the thought: “How fucked up would it be if after Blake defeated Adam, instead of being held a trial and sent to prison he was sent back to the S.D.C?” and I legit made this face:
I guess that activated my galaxy brain/ third eye chakra or whatever, because suddenly my mind was bombarded with a bunch of ideas and I legit could not bring myself to Sleep unless I got the ideas out lmao. But I think I'll make another post bc this shit is a long ramble sleep deprived mess. So lmao see you next time.
#rwde#i guess#one day ill learn how to properly end a post#i fixed it...lol#why does the picture keep getting moved to the bottom lmao i give up IDC LMAO
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ANYWAY
i’m finally done w high school... forever.... picked up my diploma 2day and returned the borrowed cap+gown and thats it. like i dont have to go back.
SO i’ll probs start to be a little more active for a while- i was stressed the FUCK out recently bc my mom pressured me into participating in the graduation ceremony bc her mom (my grandma) was kicking up a fuss that i didn’t wanna walk across the stupid stage
like i’m mad and upset and also all out of fucks to give at the same time but my grandma is a manipulative/exhausting/stressful-ass woman to interact with and my mom basically made me do it to stop grandma from crying at her about it
and then the whole thing made ME super stressed and mad because i was doing this thing that i ABSOLUTELY DIDN’T WANT TO DO because of my grandparents who have been absolutely draining/an active problem in my life for YEARS and i was too anxious + upset to even go to my town’s pride day which was a really fuckin big thing for me
and i was basically crying in the lobby of the convention center where all the graduates were waiting to get through the metal detectors bc pride was still happening literally across the river and in the park and i could have just dropped my cap and gown and ditched and run across the bridge to join pride and like...
i COULDVE because i’m a fucking adult and i can make my own choices and decide what’s important for myself but also i knew that my mom and my grandparents wouldve made my life a living HELL if i did that even if my dad and brother would have been on my side
bc my mom is still seeking her mom’s approval even though the woman is almost definitely a literal narcissist and can’t even seem to make up her mind about what would win her approval in the first place, and even though the past several years have been all about me getting more independent and deciding what to do with my own life and making my own choices and all that crap i have to knowingly fuck up my own life and what’s important to me because my fucking grandparents wanted to see me wearing a disposable tablecloth-material rectangle on my head and body and receive an empty photo holder from a woman i’ve never met who was actively crying and even actually tried to hug me
(i saw her moving in and immediately stepped back; my dad said it was hilarious to watch so like... thats one good thing i guess...)
instead of going out and celebrating the fact that i’m a girl who loves girls and remembering all the people like me and who supported people like me who sacrificed so much to get us to the point where i can dress up in ridiculous frilly outfits and go out and celebrate being a girl-loving girl, and i have to give that up because they’re old and lowkey dying like... cool. tight.
i hate to sound insensitive but i honestly find both of them really damn toxic and i just feel like bowing to their demands (or manipulative whiny bullshit) regardless of the circumstances is just weaving me and my whole family (especially my mom) deeper into their web of crazy and
i’m honestly kinda fucking worried about my mom and her relationship with my grandma. i know that having a narcissistic mom can do a number on kids and my mom is so fucking strong and cool and awesome and i think she can do so much and already HAS done so much
but when it comes to her mom she has this attitude where she’s like ‘i don’t care about what she thinks, i think she’s crazy and exhausting and i live my life how i want’
but i can tell that she really DOES care what she thinks. especially when it comes to what grandma thinks about me and my brothers’ lives/upbringings/etc.
...idk i really just don’t think it’s healthy for her or anybody to do what they want
i know they’re old and my grandma’s health is deteriorating rapidly and i know they’re my mom’s parents but....
maybe because i’m a level removed from the situation i feel like i can see what my mom can’t/doesn’t want to see and i have no tolerance for their bee-ess anymore
...the point is i’m gonna try to be a lil more active now; i can feel my muse juuuust barely starting to bud again after the long period where all my energy was channeled into just. pure survival of the end of public education and all the running around and nonsense that that entailed
#{I'll Be Your Lucky Girl; mun tag}#wow that got.... long#guess i just have a lot of feelings about this huh#my family is complicateeeeeeeeeed#usually i see/talk to ppl who have tough relationships w their parents#like in group therapy/support groups/the 'boarding school' i lived in for a while#and also online#and at school#meanwhile im over here like.... no my parents are still married/grossly in love#and theyre both cool and fun and smart#obviously sometimes we fight but ultimately were all friends/love each other#its actually my GRANDPARENTS that i cant fuckin stand#like baking cookies and goin to dinky little local fairs+carnivals who????#i only know STRESS and MANIPULATION and MARTYR-COMPLEX CRYING THAT 'MY GRANDDAUGHTER DOESN'T LIKE ME'#and CONSTANT SCREAMING AT EACH OTHER#like these 2 people only exist to verbally abuse each other#~and i frankly don't have the patience to deal with it anymore~#i b 21 years old ffs#and from now on now that im out of the k-12 garbage system i wanna focus on me and help myself heal/build a life/healthy outlook#that the aforementioned garbage education system never allowed me#~and giving in to such blatant manipulation isn't fuckin gonna help me do that~#....ok im done
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