#when i get super anxious all the physical anxiety responses kick in and i feel like i have to look at them and sort them out somehow
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"There are situations in life where we find ourselves holding our breath, and getting the fists clenched, or the shoulders come up, or the jaw gets tight. It actually isn't doing anything for anyone, that tension. As soon as you notice tension - in jaws, shoulder, neck, hands, belly, those are kind of key places - as soon as you notice it, why not just let it go, and then see what happens? Actually you can deal with situations of stress much better in a state of relaxation than in a state of tension. It's no good relaxing in a relaxing atmosphere - I mean, yes, it's nice to relax in a relaxing atmosphere - but that's not what the relaxation awareness is about. We're discovering relaxation through noticing unnecessary tension, discovering how to let that tension go, so that when things get tough we can stay relaxed. And you're relaxing in order to do something, so the tension that gets held in tense muscles redirects... If that emotional content stays in the holding muscles it's doing nobody any good. It's pointless. So you might as well relax and then see what happens."
- Kristin Linklater, Freeing the Natural Voice with Kristin Linklater on The 21st Century Creative podcast
#i transcribed this quote a long time ago so i might've squished two separate quotes she says together#but since hearing this i think about it ALL the time#when i get super anxious all the physical anxiety responses kick in and i feel like i have to look at them and sort them out somehow#but most of the time i have no way of sorting them out - they're very generalized and based on things out of my control#in my mind i picture it like one of those programs that shows up when you look at the task manager#that you can't control it running and if you tried to force quit it the computer probably would stop functioning#so let it do its thing on its own in the background#it doesn't need your attention focused on it to do what it's going to do#that frees up headspace you would be using trying and failing to indulge it or smother it#to be of actual use to the task at hand#doesn't always work perfectly but it always helps at least 1% which is loads better nothing/making things worse!#kristin linklater#freeing the natural voice#the 21st century creative
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Hi hi~! I was wondering if I can have a stardew valley ship please?
I’m a woman and I’ll be 25 years old this spring. My pronouns are she/her and I’m bi, but I do have a preference for men. I’m 5’4 with shoulder length dyed burgundy hair and big green eyes. I also wear glasses and have quite a few piercings (nose and lots of ear piercings). I also have a chubby build. Often times my friends would describe me as cute and sweet with a hint of spice lol.
Personality: I’m shy and awkward around new people, but once I’m comfortable around someone I’m a lot more talkative and bubbly. I also have a sarcastic and mischievous side, so I like to stir the pot and watch the chaos unfold lol. My go-to response is laughing which makes things so much worse, but I can’t help it 😅. A bit of a hot-head and moody, but I’m back to my bubbly self quickly. I’m not much of a touchy-feely person as physical touch can make me anxious. But with s/o’s I can be super cuddly and clingy. I suffer from anxiety, ptsd and depression, so I need someone who can be patient and understanding. My sense of humor is dry and sarcastic, so most of the time I just laugh at my own jokes 🫡. I can be social when I want to be, but most of the time I’d rather be reserved and observe my surroundings. I also would rather stay home with my two cats 💜.
Likes/dislikes and hobbies: I HATE spiders with a passion (I literally have arachnophobia). I also strongly dislike crowds and loud abrupt noises. And ride problem get on my nerves. It takes a-lot to get a reaction out of me, but I will speak up when I feel like it. I love kids and animals. I have two cats and I’d like to have kids in the future. Seriously obsessed with anything cute, fluffy and soft. I have a bad addiction of stuffed animals, pillows and blankets. I also enjoy anything spooky related like ghost hunting. I also enjoy nature walks, singing, watching trashy shows, anime, Kpop, doing my makeup, playing instruments and napping! I will seriously sleep all day and all night if I’m able to. I’m also a hard sleeper, so expect to be elbowed in the face or kicked in the shin lol. Also your blankets will be stolen in the middle of the night 🫣. I also like traveling, but again I’m more of a homebody.
Thank you so much and I hope you have a good day/night! 😌
As a spider enthusiast we are now mortal enemies. We duel at dawn. (/j)
== Stardew Valley ==>
I match you up with…
Haley (I know you said you have a preference for men but hear me out on this one)
Haley scoffs at you at first. Yeah, she’s taken with your love of cute things, and she can appreciate some good trashy tv and boy bands, but she still rolls her eyes at you and is as snarky as ever when you talk.
I imagine that after one time when she’s particularly rude to you, you give her what for, and get in her face, and show her who’s boss.
Heart eyes motherfucker.
She’s still snarky and sassy after that, but it’s clear to everyone that she has a thing for you.
She’ll ask about your hobbies, invite you to watch TV with her, invite you out to the beach, and everything.
She also insists on giving you makeup and fahsion tips, and she’s absolutely buying you some cute accessories when she finds them.
She even begins to research your hobbies to be able to talk with you about them, although she’ll act like it’s conincidental.
When she confesses to you, you’re both so flustered that she runs away at first. But when you catch her and accept, she’s the happiest person alive.
You convert her to the fluffy and cute lifestyle, and your shared house is covered with cute plushes and dolls and items.
She’s a lot more patient than you’d think. She might not always understand what you’re going through, but her love for you is genuine, and that means that she’ll do anything for you, even if you snarks about it as she does it.
Prep X Nerd dynamic. It’s cute.
#oz’s requests#stardew valley#stardew x reader#stardew valley matchup#haley Stardew x reader#haley stardew valley
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So, I don't think I've ever asked you this... what IS the whole point of the Spider-Sense? It really seems like something that only exists for writers to ignore or work around when they want to inject Legit Tension into a story.
I’ve thought about this power so much, but never with an eye to defend its right to exist, so I needed to think about this. The results could be more concise.
Ironically, given the question, I have to say its main purpose is to ramp up tension. But it’s also a highly variable multitool that a skilled creative team can use for...pretty much anything. It does everything the writer wants it to, while for its wielder always falls just short of doing enough.
I went looking through my photos for a really generic, classic-looking example to use as an image to head this topic, but then I ran into the time Peter absolutely did not reimburse this man for his stolen McDonald’s, so have that instead.
A Scare Chord, But You Can Draw It
That one post that says the spider-sense is just super-anxiety isn’t, like, wrong. It’s a very anxious, dramatic storytelling tool originally designed for a very anxious, dramatic protagonist. I find it speaks to the overall tone of the franchise that some characters are functionally psychics, but with a psychic ability that only points out problems.
Spidey sense pinging? There’s danger, be stressed! Broken? Now the lead won’t even KNOW when there’s a problem, scary! Single character is immune to it? That’s an invisible knife in the dark oh my god what the fuck what the fU--
Like its counterpart in garden variety anxiety, the only time the spider-sense reduces tension is in the middle of a crisis. But in the wish fulfillmenty way that you want in an adventure story to justify exaggerated action sequences, the same way enhanced strength or durability does. Also like those, it would theoretically make someone much safer to have it, but it exists in the story to let your character navigate into and weather more dangerous situations.
For its basic role in a story, a danger sense is a snappy way to rile up both the reader and the protagonist that doesn’t offer much information beyond that it’s time to sit smart because shit is about to go down.
Spidey comic canon is all over the board in quality and genre, and it started needing to subvert its formulas before the creators got a handle on what those formulas even were, and basically no one has read anything approaching most of it at this point, so for consistent examples of a really bare bones use of this power in storytelling, I’d point to the property that’s done the best job yet of boiling down the mechanics of Spider-Man to their absolute most basic essentials for adaptation to a compelling monster of the week TV series.
Or as you probably know it, Danny Phantom. DON’T BOO, I’M RIGHT.
DP is Spider-Man with about 2/3 of the serial numbers filed off and no death (ironically), and Danny’s ghost sense is the most proof in the formula example of what the spidey sense is for: It’s a big sign held up for the viewer that says, “Something is wrong! Pay attention!” Effectively a visual scare chord. It’s about That Drama. And it works, which won it a consistent place in the show’s formula. We’re talking several times an episode here.
So why does it work?
It’s a little counterintuitive, but it’s strong storytelling to tell your audience that something bad is going to happen before it does. A vague, punchy spoiler transforms the ignorant calm before a conflict into a tense moment of anticipation. ...And it makes sure people don’t fail to absorb the beginning of said conflict because they weren’t prepared to shift gears when the scene did. Shock is a valuable tool, too, but treating it like a staple is how you burn out your audience instead of keeping them engaged. Not to go after an easy target, but you need to know how to manage your audience’s alarm if you don’t want to end up like Game of Thrones.
The limits of the spider-sense also keep you on your toes when handled by a smart writer. It tells Peter (everyone’s is a little different, so I’m going to cite the og) about threats to his person, but it doesn’t elaborate with any details when it’s not already obvious why, what kind, and from what. And it doesn’t warn him about anything else-- Which is a pretty critical gap when you zoom out and look at his hero career’s successes and failures and conclude that it’s definitely why he’s lived as long as he has acting the way he does, but was useless as he failed to save a string of people he’d have much rather had live on than him.
(Any long-running superhero mythos has these incidents, but with Peter they’re important to the core themes.)
And since this power is by plot for plot (or because it’s roughly agreed it only really blares about threats that check at least two boxes of being major, immediate, or physical), it always kicks in enough to register when the danger is bearing down...when it’s too late to actually do anything about it if “anything” is a more complex action than “dodge”.
Really? Not until the elevator doors started to open?
That Distinctive, Crunchy Spider Flavor
The spider-sense and its little pen squiggles go hand in hand with wallcrawling (and its unique and instantly identifiable associated body language) to make the Spider-Person powerset enduringly iconic and elevate characters with it from being generic mid-level super-bricks. Visually, but also in how it shapes the story.
I said it can share a narrative role with super strength. But when you end a fight and go home, super strength continues to make your character feel powerful, probably safer than they’d be otherwise, maybe dangerous.
The spider-sense just keeps blaring, “Something’s wrong! Something’s wrong! God, why aren’t you doing something about this!?”
Pretty morose thing to live with, for a safety net! Kind of a double edged sword you have there! Could be constantly being hyperattuned to problems would prime you for a negative outlook on life. Kind of seems like a power that would make it impossible for a moral person to take a day off, leading them into a beleaguered and resentful yet dutiful attitude about the whole superhero gig! Might build up to some of the core traits of this mythos, maybe! Might lead to a lot of fifteen minute retirement stories, or something. Might even be a built in ‘great responsibility’ alarm that gets you a main character who as a rule is not going to stop fighting until he physically cannot fight anymore.
Certainly not apropos of anything, just throwing this short lived barely-a-joke tagline up for fun.
One of my personal favorite things about stories with superpowers is keeping in mind how they cause the people who have them to act in unusual ways outside of fights, so when you tell me that these people have an entire extra sense that tells them when the gas in their house is leaking through a barely useful hot/cold warning system that never turns off, I’m like, eyes emojis, popcorn out, notebook open, listening intently, spectacles on, the whole deal.
It also contributes to Peter Parker’s personality in a way I really enjoy: It allows him to act like an irrational maniac. When you know exactly when a situation becomes dangerous and how much, normal levels of caution go out the window and absolutely nothing you do makes sense from an exterior standpoint anymore. That’s the good shit. I would like to see more exploration of how the non-Parker characters experiencing the world in this incredibly altered way bounce in response.
It’s also one of many tools in this franchise hauling the reader into relating more closely with the main character. The backbone of classic Spidey is probably being in on secrets only Peter and the reader know which completely reframe how one views the situation on the page. It’s just a big irony mine for the whole first decade. A convenient way to inform the reader and the lead that something is bad news that’s not perceivable to any other characters is youth-with-a-big-exciting-secret catnip.
Another point for tension, there, in that being aware of danger is not synonymous with being able to act on it. If there’s no visible reason for you to be acting strange, well...you’re just going to have to sit tight and sweat, aren’t you? Some gratuitous head wiggles never hurt when setting up that type of conflict.
Have I mentioned that they look cool? Simultaneously punchy and distinctive, with a respectable amount of leeway for artists to get creative with and still coming up with something easily recognizable? And pretty easy to intuit the meaning of even without the long-winded explanations common in the days when people wrote comics with the intent that someone could come in cold on any random issue and follow along okay, I think, although the mechanic has been deeply ingrained in popular culture for so long that I can’t really say for sure.
It was also useful back in the day when no artists drew the eyes on the Spider-Man mask as emoting and were conveying the lead’s expressions entirely through body language and panel composition. If you wiggle enough squiggles, you don’t need eyebrows.
Take This Handwave and Never Ask Me a Logistical Question Again
This ability patches plot holes faster than people can pick them open AND it can act as an excuse to get any plot rolling you can think of if paired with one meddling protagonist who doesn’t know how to mind their own business. Buy it now for only $19.99 (in four installments; that’s four installments of $19.99).
Why can a teenager win a six on one fight against other superhumans? Well, the spider-sense is the ultimate edge in combat, duh.
Why can Peter websling? Why doesn’t everyone websling? Well, the spider-sense is keeping him from eating flagpole when he violently flings himself across New York in a way neither man nor spider was ever meant to move.
How are we supposed to get him involved with the plot this week???? Well, that crate FELT dangerous, so he’s going to investigate it. Oh, dip, it was full of guns and radioactive snakes! Probably shouldn’t have opened that!
Yeah, okay, but why isn’t it fixing everything, then? Isn’t it supposed to be why Peter has never accidentally unmasked in front of somebody? ('Nother entry for this section, take a shot.) That’s crazy sensitive! How does he still have any problems!? Is everything bad that’s ever happened to characters with this powerset bad writing!? --Listen, I think as people with uncanny senses that can tell us whether we are in danger with accuracy that varies from incredible to approximate (I am talking about the five senses that most people have), we should all know better than to underestimate our ability to tune them out or interpret them wrong and fuck ourselves up anyway. I honestly find this part completely realistic.
*SLAPS ROOF OF SPIDER-SENSE* YOU CAN FIT SO MANY STORIES IN THIS THING
The spider-sense is a clean branch into...whatever. There is the exact right balance of structure and wishy-washiness to build off of. A sample selection of whatevers that have been built:
It’s sci-fi and spy gadgets when Peter builds technology that can interface with it.
It’s quasi-mystical when Kaine and Annie-May get stronger versions of it that give them literal psychic visions, or when you want to get mythological and start talking about all the spider-characters being part of a grand web of fate.
Kaine loses his and it becomes symbolic of a future newly unbound by constraints, entangled thematically with the improved physical health he picked up at the same time -- a loss presented as a gain.
Peter loses his and almost dies 782 times in one afternoon because that didn’t make the people he provoked when he had it stop trying to kill him, and also because he isn’t about to start “””taking the subway’’””’ “‘’“”to work”””’’” like some kind of loser who doesn’t get a heads up when he’s about to hit a pigeon at 50mph.
Peter’s starts tuning into his wife’s anxiety and it’s a tool in a relationship study.
It starts pinging whenever Peter’s near his boss who’s secretly been replaced by a shapeshifter and he IGNORES IT because his boss is enough of an asshole that that doesn’t strike him as weird; now it’s a comedy/irony tool.
Into the Spider-Verse made it this beautiful poetic thing connecting all the spider-heroes in the multiverse and stacked up a story on it about instant connection, loss, and incredibly unlikely strangers becoming a found family. It was also aesthetic as FUCK. Remember the scene where Miles just hears barely intelligible whispering that’s all lines people say later in the film and then his own voice very clearly says “look out” and then the room explodes?? Fuck!!!!
Venom becomes immune to it after hitchhiking to Earth in Peter’s bone juice and it makes him a unique threat while telling a more-homoerotic-than-I-assume-was-originally-intended story about violation and how close relationships can be dangerous when they go sour.
It doesn’t work on people you trust for maximum soap opera energy. Love the innate tragedy of this feature coming up.
IN CONCLUSION I don’t have much patience for writers who don’t take advantage of it, never mind feel they need to write around it.
#spiderman#peter parker#spiderverse#spidey#marvel#danny phantom#one day you'll see what i'm doing with it in the project i'm collabing on w/ my brother and then you'll all be sorry and hopefully impresse#mirrorfalls#asks answered#essays
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Random concepts my brain comes up with (or just random things I think of)
I tried to avoid angst (and u!sides) but....I came up with a lot of angst (i think?)....ajdhdh sorryyyyyy
Also....dont question anything pls....im very sleep deprived and dont know anything and dont take anything to seriously
Also....theres very bad english in here so...yeah....
Warning: uh....might be u!sides.....idk ajshxh...itll be in the tags tho
Logan will quote a different school house rock song, everyday, to Virgil
Patton takes Romans sash and puts it around his forehead/waist cuz hes a pirate
Virgil steals Janus' cape and will be an airplane and everytime he passes a side he will say nyooommm
Roman will take Virgils makeup (who has a lot of different colors) and do the other sides makeup
Remus will take Logans glasses and wear them wrong on purpose cuz he knows it annoys Logan
Logan and Deceit don't do anything or take anything cuz theyre the parents™
Its legit canon that they have their own phones......Virgil has a lavender phone case, Logan has a gold case, Roman has a golden phone case, Patton has a red phone case (i think)
Everyday Virgil will give Patton a stone with a tiny piece of paper telling the meaning at the same time...everyday. virgil does this cuz 1. he has too many 2. it gives him smth to do and gets him to be a tiny bit productive
Janus has a bunch of plants a l o t o f p l a n t s like....almost an excessive amount
Dukexiety/tangled au.....repunzal as Virgil and flynn as remus (idk)
Logan t poses almost all the time
The way to tell Patton and Janus apart is that janus knows how babies are made (messenger falcons) and Patton does not
Virgil likes pasta with no sauce (pathta wif nu thathe) (if ya get the reference....good job)
Virgil has yet to have a debate with Patton, Janus and Remus
Every time there is a new disney movie roman will just be...*flappy hands* for like.....a good half hour before actually watching it
The mind vs. the heart is just an old married couple™ fight
"Oh ofc. i never wanted you to feel like you couldnt" like.....the way patton says it....sounds like a mix of Deceits voice and Pattons voice
Anytime the other sides/Thomas has a problem, Logan will dress up as Sherlock...and patton (no matter where he is) will pop up as Watson and the little arguement will happen everytime
Rhythm Redux has hints of Mandy goes to med school
Virgil is pretty short....not by much but still one of the shortest side. When his anxiety heightens, he grows taller for x hours. Then when he calms down, he goes back to his normal height
Remus would practice forbidden fruit all the time, so that when he and Thomas finally met, he wouldnt mess up (cuz ew...who wants tk mess up on their own song?). Sometimes he would scream it, especially when Virgil was around
In moving on pt.1 virgil said "no" and then his hand flew up to cover his mouth...which was deceit
Janus with a flower crown around his hat
Janus has a snek in his hat and its never ending...like a mandelbrot fractal
Logan info dumps about space and Janus is the only one who actually, truly listens
Are there healthy distractions has more analogical....
Logan will carry around a notebook and pen/pencil at all times....especially for Virgil...like...when he gets a panic or anxiety attack...logan will give him the notebook so he doesnt have to talk
Janus has several different bowler hats and the other sides (besides logan and maybe patton?) will steal all of them and hide them
Logan and Roman will watch movies together, purely to rewrite it....virgils there to have a disney debate with Roman
When Thomas gets really anxious, virgil will kick down a door and go through a window, feet first
they are their own villians
whats virgils, janus' and remus' biggest fears? Logan
All of the sides have/need glasses but Logan and Patton are the only ones who actually...wear them...obviously
For virgils birthday, Logan got Virgil a puzzle book (or Christmas)
Virgil met his new years resolution (like...he got it done)
*has to watch beauty and the beast for this one* technically....beauty and the beast isnt Stockholm Syndrom......belle traded herself so her father could be free....the beast never took maurice....he wondered into the castle by himself and got...captured....sooo technically...idk where im going with this ajsjxh
Virgil has a crap ton of funko pops
Everytime Patton goes into Virgils room, he'll come out scared of the curtains
When Roman said "you are nothing compared to the others" and his hand went over his mouth....was that deceit? like....him not wanting Thomas to even know about him or remus yet..or orange side?
"Im not evil" foreshadowing for remus
Patton can yell "i will physically fight you" as loud as logan can yell "falsehood"
Virgil is a Ravenclaw (i think we all knew this tho ajsjdh)
When Logan actually shows sadness (the like....one time he did) the other sides will give him validation (telling him hes right, he cool etc.) and just...give him love (they will also do this with the other sides too)
Logan will pop up and ask Thomas about the picture with circles that is hanging above Thomas's (?) couch.
Logan has yet to actually solve a problem by himself...... hes either used information they already knew, or needed/used the others help (sorry)
Virgils the only one Logans said "sorry" to....he usually says "apologies"
The dark sides have pan(heh) pancake and pillow fights (the darks sides....remus and Virgil and janus just stands there until something gets thrown at him....then he joins)
Every year for their birthday, Roman and Logan will always get a jar (or more) of crofters
Every time Logan has crofters (like...pb&j or toast or smth idkkkkk) he'll keep making puns for an hour straight (gay)
Virgil watched dhmis and got weirded out for like....a week
When Janus is around, Patton and Roman will make a bunch of snake puns and janus will stand there like :|
Logan is allergic to anything "sweet" like....butterfingers
Did....did you guys know...that the cast of sander sides....is...Thomas sanders....i just learned that....thats...crazy wow....when were you guys gonna tell me? (fun fact.....every fricken time thomas yawned in dwit....i yawned)
Virgil researches architecture or like.....studies it?
Remus and/or Janus is/are (?) a ghost....ok remus...
Remus is actually really smart and gets along with Logan pretty well
Virgil was the least...like...responsive(?) after forbidden fruit
Virgils eyes are more red in dwit (could just be Thomas and that he was tired or smth)
Whenever Remus walks past Patton, he'll take off his ears but then put them back on when he goes out of Pattons sight (english who?)
In the bloopers (not really but shhhhh) or smth when Remus knocked Logans teeth out, logan said "figuwawivwy"
Whenever Virgil "sounds the alarm" he (and maybe patton and remus) will go "weoo" for a few minutes as loud as he can
Logan has a baymax plush
Janus is obsessed with Hocus Pocus (despite Logan pointing out all the inconsistencies)
In clbg when patton said yes to thomas when he asked if there are anymore sides that were hidden away from him, he glanced at virgil (and logan) and virgil got super uncomfortable
Janus will always say the "you better watch out" vine
Everytime Logan has an idea, he'll say lightbulb out loud...like...just..."lightbulb" and the other sides just stare at him like.."wha-???" until he explains
#sanders sides#logan sanders#roman sanders#virgil sanders#patton sanders#deceit sanders#remus sanders#janus sanders#elena speaks#ignore elena#long post#sanders sides angst
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Witness : 20
Compromised
moodboard created by @chuuulip
Character(s): dark!Bucky, later dark!Steve, too
Masterlist
Warnings: this is a dark!fic, it contains non/dubious-consent elements. Some violence as well at the beginning. It goes without (and with) that this is 18+. In this chapter there’s not much but a set-up for the next. We'll go over warnings then.
Summary: The reader is invited out for some after-work drinks.
Notes: Okay! Sorry about being a bit late today but as promised here is another part! Hopefully, everyone saw yesterday's and is all caught up, if not you can always go back and catch up! And wowee, we're already on part 20! Thank you all so much and please leave a comment if you read :) !
The rest of the week saw Bucky at your apartment nightly. You weren’t sure what was going on but you didn’t dare to ask. If you did as he wished, he was pleased, even close to amiable. You found that if you behaved, he did what he wanted and left you with a few hours to yourself. You treasured that alone time and it was worth the momentary distraction. When he was done and you were alone, you felt empty; a mixture of physical longing and feeling of exploitation. The satisfaction never lasted beyond the act itself; after you couldn’t help but deflate, stewing in resent for him and disappointment in yourself.
Friday used to be a day of celebration for you. Those times seemed a distant past. You would hang with Allie or go home and order take out and watch something on Netflix. Now, you were too enamoured in anticipation and dread to focus on that. What use was it when it could easily be interrupted? It was worse when you were ready for a quiet night in only for the your solace to be shattered. Even so, you stared at the clock and waited for your cue to leave. Another hour...it felt like forever. What exactly were you so eager for? Based on the the last few days, you were to expect another visit from Bucky. You flipped back to Pepper’s emails which included forwards of every email sent to Tony. You guessed he had left so much on her plate that she needed to spread some onto yours. What were temps for but grunt work? That’s all you ever did. Down on your knees for Bucky every night, as good as bending over backwards for Pepper. You really were taking it in both ends. Your mind strayed again and you found yourself fixated on daydreams of a metal arm flexing around you, familiar grunts in your ear, an almost comforting sensation flowing from your core. You snapped up and touched your forehead in shame. No...he could have your body, but your mind was still yours. That small part of you was still there; you weren’t truly his, you were merely biding your time, but for what?
“Y/N,” A voice drew your head up and you masked your dilemma with a smile. Steve approached, Bucky not far behind. Not good. “You alright?”
“Fine,” You lied, “I was just working. It’s a bit repetitive so I was resting my eyes.”
“I imagine it’s very exciting,” His hands were on your desk as he leaned on it, biceps peeking out from beneath the sleeves of his tee. He was dressed more casual than usual and you couldn’t help but notice the lines above the vee of his shirt. For once, you were the one distracted. “Me and Buck were just about to grab some drinks, you wanna join?”
You glanced behind him and Bucky nodded, a smirk plain enough. You suspected this wasn’t entirely Steve’s idea and that stoked your anxiety. What was he playing at? You scrunched your lips and looked to the monitor. “I’m here until 6 today,” You said, hoping it was enough of an excuse, “I really can’t just leave.”
“No worries, we’re just headed down the street to Luis’,” His eyes strayed to your chest, admiring the top of your cleavage just visible above the frill. “We’ll have a drink and you can join us for the second round.”
“I don’t--”
“Come on, Y/N,” Bucky stepped forward, just opposite Steve and you felt like a cornered deer. “It’s Friday. You should get out, have some fun. I mean, me and Steve, we get our kicks out in the field but you just sit here all day and...type. One drink won’t hurt, will it?”
You looked between the super soldiers. This was not an invitation, this was an order. Steve was so hopeful, his eagerness underlined with his more sinister intentions. And Bucky was determined. You couldn’t say no unless you were prepared for the consequences and you suspected those were worse than whatever it is he had planned. Besides, he never asked, he told. “Sure, why not?” You tried to sound normal but you couldn’t help the jagged response. “I’ll just finish up here and head down when I’m done.”
Bucky winked and turned to Steve who grinned back at him. There was collusion in their eyes but it could very well just be the recognition of two adversaries. “Alright, see ya soon,” Bucky chimed, “We’ll keep a tab open.”
You mumbled a goodbye and watched them approach the elevator, pulling on their jackets as they disappeared behind the metal doors. You sighed and brushed back your hair as you leaned against your chair. What the fuck? You were prepared for Bucky but not both of them. Surely it was just another scheme to watch you squirm, you told yourself. You’d end up going home alone, if only to have Bucky follow, but Steve was just another pawn. Wasn’t he?
You did all you could to delay your departure for the day but you knew if you kept them waiting, Bucky would make you pay for it. That had to be the reason you were growing so anxious. It was fear, not excitement. Right? Right? Oh, fuck, you were going crazy. You left your jacket open as you walked the chill New York sidewalk, heels clicking as you hurried along. As you stopped before Luis’ shining red lights, your legs wobbled and you felt a peculiar pluck deep down. No, just one drink. Nothing more.
You stepped inside, wary of the other men along the bar who watched your entrance. This wasn’t exactly a joint you frequented. In fact you had avoided it for the shabbiness of its facade and the fact that you rarely saw any female denizens going in or out. It was a greasy corner in the heart of downtown with more than its share of regulars and unshaven drunks. This was like that tavern in London where that guy had shoved his hand up your skirt on that summer trip with Allie. Fond memories, indeed.
You spotted the two men in a booth near the back of the bar. You sidestepped a few reaching hands on your way to them and felt almost thankful when you came upon their table. “Hey,” You said quietly, looking around yourself to make sure no groping hands hovered behind you.
“Ah, just in time,” Steve stood and waved his hand to the curved bench around the table, “We saved you a spot.” You stared at the seat he offered, closed in between the two of them. Reluctantly you accepted it, sidling awkwardly around the table and to the space on the cushion. Steve sat and blocked you in, motioning to the waiter who sported a long grey ponytail and a greasy leather vest. “We’ll have a second round and whatever the lady wants.”
“Water is fine,” You smiled sheepishly.
“Whiskey for her,” Bucky corrected, “May as well unwind, Y/N.”
You resisted sending him a glare and just nodded, the waiter moving sluggishly to fulfill the order. You were starting to sweat already, trapped in the body heat of the men book-ending you in the booth. “Take off your jacket,” Steve said, “Stay a while, won’t you?”
You gave a weak laugh and peeled of your coat, Bucky swiftly moving it to lay atop his and Steve’s on the end of the bench on his other side. “So how was work?” Bucky prodded, leaning on his arm as if genuinely interested.
“It was work, I guess,” You could feel tendrils along your neck, the blush burning your flesh. “You two having fun without me?”
“No, but I’m sure we’ll have more now that you’re here,” Bucky smirked and your eyes nearly popped out of your head. You felt like the entire bar could hear the conversation and it was as clear to them as it was to you that this wasn’t just an after work get together. Your whiskey arrived and you reached for it in your desperation. You hadn’t wanted to compromise your senses but the tension was overwhelming and your nerves were wild. You had to keep yourself from draining the glass entirely, lowering your glass and exhaling shakily. Steve and Bucky were watching you closely.
“Well, you must be thirsty,” Steve mused, stretching his arm across the bench behind you as he sipped from his beer.
“Working for Stark will do that to ya,” Bucky kidded, “How are you liking it?”
“It’s fine,” You shrugged, resisting the urge to finish your whiskey. This all seemed to casual. A farce.
“Come on, it must be exciting. All the people you get to meet, aside from the heroes like us you see almost every day,” Steve teased, “I mean, me and Buck are nice enough, but the others, they’re a bit--”
“Pompous,” Bucky added smugly.
Boy, they were really quite the team. Two murderers who fancied themselves crusaders. Sure, they used to fight the bad guys but now they were the bad guys. Ever since the Sekovia Accords had been overturned and Stark Industries had become entirely privatised. For every genuine criminal they were sent after, they killed a dozen civilians on behalf of the same brand of thugs. I guess money made morality an afterthought.
“Yeah,” You forced out and gulped back the rest of your drink. “It’s definitely the most famous company I’ve worked for but there aren’t many bigger than Stark himself.” Bucky squinted at you, catching the subtle jab. He wouldn’t forget that.
“Well, me and Steve were just talking about something that happened with Stark today.” Bucky began, “We were testing new armour, it’s good stuff; lightweight but it does the job well. Or at least we thought…”
You listened to Bucky and Steve as they told of the fiasco, soon trading war stories back and forth with little interjection from you. When the waiter returned, Bucky ordered you a double, then another upon his next check in. You were downing them out of nervousness, the burn of alcohol growing less as you tried to sink into the bench. You were giggling at Steve’s recount of Bucky getting his arm stuck in a wheel well when suddenly the attention turned to you. You suddenly remembered where you were and who you were with.
“Another?” Bucky asked as you found yourself sipping from an empty glass again.
“N-no,” Your words were almost slurred but you kept it together. “I think maybe I should have that water now.”
“Oh, Y/N, it’s fine to just kick back once in a while,” Steve’s arm was once more behind you, “We don’t mind.”
“Really, I like this side of you,” Bucky added, “Giggly and laid back. But I do wish you would speak up more.”
“How rude of us?” Steve announced with exaggeration, “We’ve been here talking all about ourselves. I mean, come on, we didn’t invite you hear just to sit and listen to two old men banter.”
“Surely not,” Bucky’s metal finger tapped on his glass. You stared at the half-finished beer and tilted your head. You couldn’t recall either of them ordering past their second round and yet your glass had been refilled on a loop. The suspicion quickly faded into the tipsy haze behind your eyes. “Actually, we were hoping to learn more about you.”
“Such a quiet little thing,” Steve’s voice was dusky as he leaned in, your head swiveling between them as they spoke. You were starting to get dizzy.
“I’ll start,” Bucky nearly sang, “Well, I mean there’s really only one question that I have.”
“Can I please get a water?” You asked, a hiccup rising in your throat.
“Here,” Steve pushed over his beer, “Have a sip of this.”
You hiccuped again and accepted, wanting to rid yourself of the bubbles more than anything. As you drank daintily from the pint, you realized both men were staring at you expectantly. “Anyways, what I was going to ask is…” He raised a brow, pausing dramatically before continuing, “Do you want to fuck Steve?”
You choked and the foam splashed in your face, causing you to slam the glass on the table. You were certain your drunken mind was betraying you, but the two men assured you otherwise. Their thighs were suddenly flush against yours, you felt as if you were crushed between them. Steve’s hand played with your hair and Bucky’s hand rested on your thigh. “Wh-what?” You tried to resist them but their touch felt so nice. “I…”
“Be a good girl and answer the question,” Bucky warned. You realized that this was a conspiracy. Maybe Steve didn’t know that Bucky had been fucking you for weeks but he certainly knew that he had some sort of hold over you. You suspected their conversations about you had gone well beyond the single kiss you had shared more than a week ago.
Your mouth opened and closed, you gulped and steadied your breath. You bit you lip before running your tongue across it as you steeled yourself. “Yes,” You whispered, trembling at the confession. Surprising even yourself.
“Hmm?” Bucky feigned deafness, “Sorry, I can’t hear you.”
“Yes,” You said more firmly, almost growling at him. Your drunkenness was not enough to mute your anger as the humiliation washed over you.
“Well that can be arranged,” Bucky smirked as Steve’s hand ran the length of your arm, “Right, Steve?”
You heard a dark chuckle in your ear and Steve’s lips graze your cheek, his chest pressed against you. “It can,” He confirmed, “What do you say we go back to mine for a night cap?”
You stared at Bucky, Steve’s hand slipping down and cupping the top of your ass. “I think she’d love that,” Bucky smiled, turned to grab your jacket and handed it to you. “Well,” He stood and Steve removed his hand as he mirrored his movements, “Shall we?” Bucky offered his hand, staring you down until you took it and stood, letting him guide you out from behind the booth. He let you go, walking behind you as you followed Steve, who dropped some bills on the counter along the way. The other patrons watched your exit and you were certain they knew everything. Hell, it must have been plain enough as you couldn’t wipe the dazed look from your face.
You stepped out on the street, Bucky came up beside you and wrapped his arm around you. He bent to whisper in your ear as Steve led the way, “Good girl,” He cooed, “You remember your rules.”
tags: @petit-funsize @alexakeyloveloki @ladyofmyst @kellyn1604
#dark!bucky#dark!bucky barnes#dark bucky#dark bucky barnes#dark!fic#series#witness#darkverse#au fic#bucky barnes#bucky barnes fic#bucky x reader#bucky barnes x reader#mcu#marvel
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Alive (M)
Messy Chapter 5
Pairing(s): OC X Johnny (Lucas, Yuta)
Genre: College AU, Fuckboy AU, Angst, Smut
Summary: Fuckboys are basically good for one thing. You hit it and quit it- except when his voice draws you in, his body keeps you there, and dumb ass feelings linger making things particularly messy.
Warnings: drugs/description of tripping , alcohol, sexual assault (not in explicit detail; in total about 5 sentences), toxic “relationships”, “controlling behavior” (Non consensual), physical/emotional abuse, physiological self harm/unhealthy coping mechanisms ,severe depression, anxiety, anger issues, minimal violence,
Features: Two full sex scenes/1 mini scene, Threesomes (MFF), eating out/blowjobs, fingering, rough sex, choking, a hint of daddy kink, hair pulling, biting/scratching, unprotected sex, controlling dynamics (consensual), overstimulation, edging, a smidge of bdsm dynamics and toy use, and of course not being able to make up your damn mind about your feelings.
Word Count: around 16k
A/N: So this is the first time I’ve ever written anything as serious as this. And it’s super angsty and dark and there’s a lot going on. I hope everyone still enjoys it as much as the other chapters. I felt like it was important enough to write about this and the consequences it poses as part of character building. It also carries into how the story progresses in Chapter 6, (mentions in 7) 9, 10 (tentatively) and overall how it affects Johnny as a person within this AU. (Also obvious warning but everything that happens to johnny is fictional in this story)
Messy Masterlist Buy me a Ko-Fi Other Stories
Neon lights were flashing chaotically, trying to fall in line with the choppy transitions the DJ spun. If i wasn’t so anxious I would probably push him out the way and show the crowd that I could do a way better job. But the hoard of sweaty bodies plastered together paired with the lights and the vibrating bass- everything was making me want to vomit. I had no idea why I decided to come other than that I thought this rave would help me relax but it was honestly doing the opposite. I tossed back the rest of my drink and crushed the plastic cup, chucking it onto the floor of the warehouse. I wanted to go home but I was stuck trying to keep track of Taeyong and Ten like a glorified babysitter. Once my anxiety hit and they went off in their separate ways they were lost for what seemed like forever. Now I was forced to wait for us to regroup while my heart raced a mile a minute. I pressed my head to the wall and forced myself to take deep breaths.
“HEY!” I jumped suddenly at the voice beside me. I looked over and saw Taeyong. “What are you doing all the way over here?! Why don’t you dance?” He was trying to yell over the thumping music and I could barely hear him. I gave him a confused look and instead got closer for him to shout in my ear. “You look like shit! What’s wrong?!”
“Nothing! Just not really feeling this anymore! Are you guys ready to go?”
“No way! It’s only like 2am! Besides I think Ten went to have an orgy or something! I don’t know.”
I wanted to slam my head against the wall now. Just my fucking luck. “Did he leave yet?! I’m about to ditch him and drive home!”
Taeyong just gave me a confused shrug and I was sure he hadn’t heard me clearly. “I got something that will make you feel less shitty!” He held out his hand and revealed two pills.
“What the hell is it?” I was skeptical, especially since Taeyong could be really stupid at times. It wouldn’t surprise me if he took random drugs from a stranger.
“Don’t know! Just live a little! You’re being a dick today! Eri hasn’t fucked you lately?!” He laughed before popping one pill into his mouth and taking a swig of his drink. Why was everyone always up my ass about if I fucked Eri or not? I had kept it mostly to myself but I was done with her, especially after how close we had been the last few times we hooked up. It was getting to be too much and I felt my heart and stomach do weird shit whenever I was with her. I didn’t like it one bit. The last straw was at the amusement park. I couldn’t take how good she felt riding me and even worse I couldn’t take how sweet she had been to me when I hurt my hand. It was too intimate, too wrapped up in emotions. I had left her on read for so long that it wasn’t phasing me anymore, even though I would catch her looking over at me during class. Every once in awhile our eyes would meet just for a second but that’s all I let happen.
“Shut up. I’m not being a dick! I just don’t trust random shit you bought at a rave!” He dropped it into my hand anyway and handed me the rest of his drink.
“Take it! Have fun! I’ll see you later!” With that I lost Taeyong in the sea of people. I wiped my hand over my face, sighing deeply. I pressed my back against the wall again and stared at the tiny pastel pill, mulling over my possible options. I could continue being miserable and responsible and not ditch my friends since I was their ride here or I could be irresponsible, get fucked up, forget my anxiety, all the crap I had to deal with, and become numb to every feeling I’ve wanted to ignore since the party in August. Bottoms up.
I swallowed it, finishing off the rest of the drink and letting the cup join my previous one on the dirty floor. Hopefully this would kick in soon and I wouldn’t want to die as much. Being surrounded by so many people always made me feel like I was suffocating and they were closing in on me. To distract myself in the mean time I pulled out my phone and scrolled through my Instagram feed absentmindedly. I yawned as nothing really caught my eye until I came across a video from one of Eri’s accounts. Someone, I think it was Lucas, was licking and kissing her neck in the most obscene way. She captioned it as “Baby Boy is so needy today.” I wanted to crush my phone as easily as i did the plastic cup. Why the hell did she have to post such gross shit? I tried to calm myself- there was no need to get angry. She could fuck whoever she wanted and I could fuck whoever I wanted. No strings attached, no feelings, no longing for her skin against mine, her lips against mine, or her fingers running through my hair. Nope, none of that.
I set my phone in my pocket, refusing to look at it anymore.My excuse was that my battery was only at 43% and i couldn’t risk not having enough power for the ride back home. The music was slowly starting to not sound as bad and I found myself actually bobbing my head to the beat. It was weird, like I could feel it vibrating in my bones. I started drumming my fingers against my thighs as the dance floor seemed to call out to me. I was always better at choreographed dances that anything freestyle but making a fool out of myself seemed to be a great idea now. I pushed myself off the wall and made my way into the crowd. Sticky, sweaty bodies brushed against me and instead of wanting to pull away, every touch made me explode into a rush of heightened senses. Everyone felt so good. I wanted any and every touch at all. I couldn’t help but smile and suddenly i was in a laughing fit, giggling uncontrollably like an idiot.
I felt hands on me then and I didn’t think much about it until they turned me around. A girl was in front of me now, equally as happy and smiley as I was. I returned her touches and even her kisses when she suddenly connected with my lips. I had no idea who she was and at this point I didn't really care. I grabbed onto her ass and pulled her closer, grinding my hips against her roughly. She dug her nails into my shoulders, standing on her tiptoes to reach me. I was half tempted to pick her up and hold her around my waist but she broke our kiss suddenly, bringing my attention to someone beside her. It was presumably her friend by the way they exchanged coy glances. I resumed my kiss with the new girl instead but held them both close to me. Through dancing, heated grinds, and horny kisses we made our way out of the warehouse some time later.
However, the concept of time was starting to become a mystery to me in of itself. Everything that was happening was such a blur. Colors were turning into smells that were turning into tastes. I couldn't even piece together how i got into a bed. Was it my bed? Had I even drove? My head was pounding but i found myself tangled in a copious amount of limbs. My cock sunk into whatever hole I could find, subconsciously guided by moans and eager cries. Everything felt so good I never wanted it to end. For once, in these past couple of months, my mind was on anything but Eri and fuck if it didn’t feel good.
What didn’t feel good was when I woke up the next afternoon. My head was pounding and my mouth felt like a desert. It was a struggle to even move as I felt so weak and heavy. I realized i was still in bed and there were bodies on either side of me. Slowly I raised my head and blinked my eyes into focus. Who the hell were these people? I groaned and sat up and nausea washed over me instantly. I kept still for a moment, trying not to send my empty stomach into an acidic launch of bile. Apparently my minimal movement had woken up one of the girls beside me, the one with brightly colored hair, haphazardly placed tattoos, and multiple piercings. She was stick thin but rather tall and I was surprised I had even gone after someone like her. But seeing how fucked up I must have been yesterday I guess my preferences didn’t matter. She slipped out of the bed easily, as if the drugs hadn’t affected her at all. Maybe she didn’t take any though I could’ve sworn everyone at the rave did. I could see bites littering her entire body and giant bruises across her thighs and hips. What the fuck did I do?
She had gone to the bathroom, not even so much as glancing at me. In the meantime I was trying to convince myself I had enough strength to move my legs. They felt like tingly jello and I was sure if I tried to get up I would collapse. The girl came back from the bathroom and I managed to croak out a few words. “Hey, did I drive here? Do you know where my keys are?” My voice was raspy and barely audible.
She smirked and straddled my lap, ignoring my questions. It annoyed me as I needed to know my plan of action. I also had to start thinking about where the hell was T.Y. and Ten. I wondered if they had gotten home ok and if T.Y. was as fucked up as I was. “Hey cutie.” Her light and airy voice greeted me and I looked up as her as she pushed me back onto the mattress. “You were fucking amazing last night.”
“Ah, thanks but-” She grabbed a hold of my wrists and pinned them beside my head. I tried to push her off but my body still felt like dead weight. “I-I really need to go. My friends-”
She silenced me with a kiss which i didn’t reciprocate. I started to panic, knowing with how I felt I wasn’t strong enough to defend myself. All i could do was try and protest as much as possible, moving my head away from her wandering lips while I was internally screaming for her to get off me. It was no use. My body was reacting to her touches against my will and I shut down. I returned to that oh so scary and familiar void where I was numb, swallowed up by my hurt and suffering, could ignore what would haunt me forever.
--
Her name was Rixi and it turned out she went to our college which meant that after the night of the rave all she did was follow me around campus. Almost every waking moment was spent with her around me though I despised everything about her being. She clung to me like glue and I couldn’t get rid of her no matter how hard I tried. My mind wasn’t as strong as I needed it to be. Regular Johnny would tell this idiot to kick rocks, but this empty Johnny couldn’t function. It was like I was having an out of body experience watching myself go day by day pretending nothing was wrong. I had to push forward even though I wanted to stay curled up in my bed all day suffering in silence. Sleep beckoned me at every moment but I was having more night terrors. The hours i actually slept were minimal and didn’t help my zombie like state. Nonetheless, I kept pushing myself, forcing myself, to work. I had to pay rent, bills, and eat, even though I wasn’t doing much of that either. I also had to turn in projects and my higher than average GPA was on the verge of sinking. Jae had to carry most of the radio show. I just read off the notes and script uncharismatically. He seemed to notice that something was off but I just told him it was a really bad stomach flu. He left it at that for now but I could tell he wanted to pry some more.
With my academic and work life in the shit, Rixi blocked off my romantic life with anyone but her. She managed to get me into a bed a few more times which i didn't understand. I didn't want her at all, in fact having sex with her reminded me of that night after the rave, but i did it anyway. I had always used sex as an unhealthy coping mechanism for shit i didnt want to deal with- it was better to feel like i was having fun and didn't care than face my problems head on. Maybe I wanted to hurt myself, psychologically at least. It would be punishment for being so stupid at the rave and probably for that entire time I ignored Eri without even giving her so much as a proper explanation as to why. She made my body feel good and everything was natural with her. She made me feel...happy. It wasn't like i was hurting myself; it was a genuine connection which scared the hell out of me.
I found myself wanting that little sliver of happiness or at least some form of stability back in my life. I wanted to pull myself away from Rixi's toxicity but it continued to drown and swallow me whole. Some days I wanted to reach out to Eri but I was too chicken shit to do it. Instead I settled for using my imagination to replace Rixi with Eri for the sake of my sanity. Every time I fucked her, kissed her, touched any part of her, I imagined the person I longed for the most. It was giving Rixi the wrong impression and I was only digging my grave deeper. In the rare times I managed to escape her death grip I tried to get my mind off of both the women that haunted my existence. I came to realize that I was using Eri too much as a crutch and losing my humanity in the presence of Rixi. Thus, i stayed within my misery.
Eventually, as if I didn’t have enough shit going on, Rixi found it completely rational to overreact over everything I did. I couldn’t look at my instagram feeds, I couldn’t create music or art because I “wasn’t paying enough attention” to her, and if I didn’t answer her texts right away she presumed I was ignoring her. Each time I messed up she landed a smack or a punch to my body, mostly my ribcage. At first I thought nothing of it. I playfully hit my friends all the time and accidentally created some bruises that I didn’t mean to but the more it happened with Rixi the more I knew that it wasn’t playful. It was malicious and starting to become painful, especially when the same spot was hit over and over. I could normally stop her when she got too out of hand but it would bring her to whine even more and make my head want to explode. There were days where I let her carry on because it was better than hearing her mouth.
I tried hanging out with my friends to create some sort of safety net. Being around them, made me feel a little better though the exchange was awkward. We we all sitting at the student center having met up for lunch. Of course Rixi found a way to follow me there, never leaving my side. The guys wouldn’t look me in the eye but they all traded whispers and uneasy glances in my direction. The normal chatter and banter we had disappeared and I wish I could just scream at the top of my lungs. I sat back in my seat, scrolling through my phone which I tried to keep hidden from her view. She kept craning her neck to see what I was doing, who I was looking at, and if there were any women involved. Heaven forbid I liked any content with them. If I came across something she didn’t like all I did was apologize and try and shrug her off but her death grip remained on my arm.
“So like,” Ten finally spoke up. “Pixel-”
“It’s Rixi.” She snapped.
“Yeah, whatever. When are you gonna leave?”
“What do you mean leave?”
“Like, leave Johnny alone. You’re being ridiculously clingy. It’s not cute.”
“I’m not being clingy and I have no reason to leave my boyfriend.”
Jae spat out his drink, spraying it across the table. It landed all over Taeyong who stood up and threw a napkin at him. Yuta’s eyes went wide and Taeil’s mouth hung open. Ten instantly went on his phone, furiously typing away. They all looked at me as if they needed confirmation. I didn’t know what to say. I wanted to tell them that I wasn’t her boyfriend and was basically trapped and couldn’t escape her. I wanted help, someone to help me get rid of her but I couldn’t ask the guys. They wouldn’t understand. I couldn’t be vulnerable around them. I couldn’t even bring myself to tell Jae the truth.
“Wait...Johnny are you seriously-like seriously, serious-?” Taeil asked.
I said nothing.
“Fuck…” Yuta whispered. “That’s uh...fuck. What about Eri?”
“Who’s Eri?” Rixi practically growled.
“I’m Eri.”
My entire body shot up, frozen in place as I saw her. She had appeared behind Yuta as if we had summoned her. In reality, Lucas was with her and they were probably passing through the center to get something to eat as well. My throat closed up as our eyes met. It was only for a second because she instantly switched her glare over to Rixi. An angry aura was emanating from her and i could see her trying to keep her cool. God, i needed to talk to her before anything spiraled out of control. If I didn’t then the student center would turn into a National Geographic battleground where two head lionesses were going to tear at each other’s throats.
“Ooohhh and the drama continues!!” Ten laughed, typing again on his phone.
I went to stand up and make my way over to her but Rixi pulled me back down, her nails digging into my skin. I shot her a glare almost unable to keep my seething anger behind my teeth. “Let me go.” I hissed. She shook her head quickly and I could practically feel the bruises start to form in the shape of her fingers. Eri spoke again, snapping my attention back to her and forgetting about the pain in my bicep. It was then I noticed that she was wearing my flannel shirt. The one she had fallen asleep in when we me back from our amusement park date- well, hang out. I had forgotten it when I ran out of her room after our last fuck. By the time I had remembered that I left it behind I was already ignoring her texts and trying to put some distance between us. I even prevented myself from caving in and texting her to ask for it back. Now she was here, perfect as ever, and I still loved the way it looked on her.
“Guess I came at the right time, what are my favorite sluts talking about me for?” she said.
“Weeeeellllllll-”
“Shut the fuck up Ten.” I almost yelled, knowing that he was purposefully going to tell her about what transpired. His gossiping was going to make everything worse before I could clear the air. Every pair of eyes traded looks between me and Eri as tensions surmounted to an unfathomable level.
“Wow, rude. I wasn’t going to say anything about your girlfriend.”
And there it was. I tried not to show my irritation but my jaw was already twitching and my fists were balled up at my side.
“Girlfr-?” Eri seemed to stop herself from finishing the word. She squared her shoulders and posed a fake smile and I knew she was locking away what she really wanted to say. “Oh, i’m happy you finally found someone to deal with your bullshit. Anyway, I was passing through and I remembered that I had to drop something off to Yuta.”
“Me?” Yuta asked, surprised.
“Yep!” She opened her backpack and dumped out a plethora of rope, ballgags, and even some toys onto his lap. Yuta’s entire face beamed red and he fumbled to try and hide the stuff quickly.
“E-Eri!!!” he whined.
She just continued to smile, completely satisfied with her antics. She grabbed Lucas’ hand and turned away from our group leaving me longing for her even more. There wasn't anyway I could go after her now. I sighed and set my hea in my hands, wishing I could take back everything.
“Yongho-hyung.” I heard Jae say sternly in Korean. My head snapped up to him and I could tell he was serious. He stood up, ripping Rixi’s arm off me, and instead pulled me away from the table. “Don't you fucking dare follow us.” He hissed at her. She luckily obeyed, though she was full of annoyance. I followed Jae until we found a corner away from the hustle and bustle of student life. “What in the actual fuck, Johnny? What is going on with you? This whole month you’ve been acting weird and now you have a girlfriend?”
“She’s not my girlfriend.”
“She literally just said you were her boyfriend. If you don’t like her then you need to tell her. You can’t drag this- Is that a bruise on your arm?”
I pushed my hair back and looked away from him. What I was about to say hurt my pride and made me feel so miniscule and pathetic. But I had to reach out for someone. I just prayed that Jae didn’t judge me or think lesser of me for acting this way. “I need help, man.”
--
Eri’s Pov
“Eri! Eri! You’re crushing my hand! Slow down!” Lucas shouted.
I was furious. More than furious. I was any and every word in the dictionary to describe pissed off. He literally left me on read for weeks and didn't have the balls to even tell me he was dating someone?! What kind of shit for brains human being doesn't have to courtesy to tell someone they wanted to end their fuck buddy relationship? My whole body felt like it was trembling. I pulled off his stupid flannel about ready to throw it into the nearest garbage can. Lucas yanked my arm back hard, making me crash into him. “WHAT?!” I yelled.
“Calm the fuck down. You're literally in rage mode and knowing you you're going to lose your cool. I don’t need that to happen, ok?”
“Do NOT tell me to calm down.” I said through grit teeth.
“Too bad. I need you to. I can take you home. I don't really think you should go to class.”
The rational side of my brain knew that Lucas was right. My anger had always been a problem, something I tried my damndest to control but when it struck, I had a bad habit of creating chaos. I wouldn't be able to concentrate in class and if anything triggered me-voices, sounds, lights- havoc would ensue. The irrational part of my brain told me to kill him. It even told me to kill that stupid little twat who thought she could swoop and steal Johnny from me. I bet she couldn't fuck him like I could, couldn't make him cum like I could, and probably couldn't even get him to stay over and cater to her heart's feelings like he did with me. I was better than her and wanted to crush her into dust under my boots.
Lucas snapped his fingers in front of me. “Eri, back to me. I know you're thinking bad stuff. Stop it. Please get a hold of yourself. Do you want me to call Quinn?”
Quinn.
No matter how clueless and endlessly horny they were they meant the world to me. They were always smart enough to talk me through my episodes and get me to realize that killing people was still illegal. It always ticked me off when they were right about the shitty ways i addressed my issues but I needed that reality check. I nodded helplessly as I felt the switch of wanting to bawl my eyes out quickly wash over me. Lucas sighed and pulled me into his chest squeezing me tight.
“We need to go. I don't need that jackass to see you like this, ok? Let's get you home.”
He kept an arm around my shoulder and guided me towards the exit of the student center as he pulled out his phone. I barely heard the conversation he had with Quinn. I was focusing so hard on trying not to shed any tears as I drove home. A man was nothing to cry over and another woman was nothing to be jealous of. It went against the entirety of my ideals but i was still screaming at the hurt. The girlfriend wasn't the reason for my anger- though it played a role in it. No, the betrayal, the absence of truth, and the overwhelming cowardice was what got under my skin.
I managed to keep my composure through the short drive back to the apartment but completely lost it when i saw Quinn already sitting in my room. I slammed the door shut and ran into their arms, practically tackling them onto the bed. With my face buried in their chest I broke into ugly heart wrenching sobs with tears as big as hail. It seemed never ending and Quinn patiently petted my head not saying a single word until I was ready. Lucas remained outside in the living room and I was sure he could hear everything. I was embarrassed now and almost wished he wasn't here but i had to at least thank him for keeping a level head while mine was about to explode.
“I just wish,” i swallowed hard. “I just wish he would've told me instead of throwing it in my face. You should've seen the way she was clutching onto him, like some...clingy, stupid, little irritating slut! Who even does that? And he just let it happen. He can't even tell someone when they don't want to be fuck buddies anymore.”
“I know, Eri. But you really can’t dwell on it. I know you had feelings-”
“I did NOT have feelings for him.”
Quinn set their hand over mine and gave me a slightly condescending look, like they didn't believe me. “Regardless,” they continued. “Men ain't shit and this just proves how much of a piece of scum he was. You are everything, Eri. It sounds cheesy to say but you're so amazing and he doesn't deserve an ounce of what you gave him.” They grabbed my hands tight and squeezed them. “One day you're gonna find someone that treats you right. Someone who you're not afraid to love and you can trust with all your heart. I know you don't really believe in love but it is going to happen to you someday. Please, just please, don't waste your time over him.”
They wiped the tears from my face before handing me several tissues. I blew my nose, over and over and wiped at my puffy face until my sobs turned into small sniffles and hiccups. Eventually I calmed down even further when Quinn pulled me back into their arms and covered me in gentle kisses. I cracked the smallest of smiles when their lips pressed against my forehead and trailed down to my nose. “You're stronger than all of this, okay? You're the one that defends us all. You're mommy and daddy.” They chuckled. “But above all you’re the best and I want to do everything I can to make you feel better.”
“Can you bury the body once I kill Johnny?” I laughed.
“Well, duh. Who else is gonna help you? Lucas? He’s dumber than I am.”
“That is true. I’m embarrassed that he probably heard me cry like a big gay baby.”
“If he says anything about it, i’ll clock him in the jaw.”
I smiled at the sentiment but couldn’t help think back to the night of the beach party where Johnny decked Matt in the face for being such an asshole. At least back then he seemed like a caring human being and I could tolerate him. I actually wanted to be with him then. Well, be around him. I had to push those thoughts away and get over what was hurting me the most. Just then, there was a knock on my bedroom door. “Is it ok to come in?” Lucas asked. I nodded and Quinn beckoned him in. He smiled and came over to my bed sitting behind me and pulling me between his legs. “Are you feeling any better?”
“A little. I stopped crying and don’t feel like taking a bat to his car so...i guess i’m okay for now.”
“Ok, I was worried for a bit there.” He wrapped his arms around my ribcage and squeezed me gently to his chest.
“Yeah, me fucking too.”
Quinn came closer to us and set their head on Lucas’ shoulder. “We could still take a bat to his car. It’s a beat up piece of shit anyway.”
I gave Quinn a little kiss before setting my head back on Lucas’ chest. “Don’t give me any ideas ok?”
They gave me another kiss holding it a little longer before realizing what they were doing. “Wait, sorry. I shouldn’t. That was terrible of me. You’re feeling like shit. I’m an idiot.”
I gave them a small shrug. “No, it’s okay. I don’t mind it. Actually, feeling anything but what I’m feeling now is helpful.”
“Uh...should I leave?” Lucas asked.
I turned my attention towards Lucas, wrapping my arms around him. “No. Stay here. I owe you remember.”
“Are you sure?” He asked. He looked at me then at Quinn as if to confirm everything.
“Eri’s in charge. Whatever they say goes.Though I don’t particularly think it’s a good idea to do this now, if you really think it’ll make you feel better then...”
“Please...I’d like to forget about all this shit and feel good.”
Lucas nodded and chewed at his bottom lip. I looked up at him, giving him a reassuring smile before i covered his lips in my own. Quinn took up residence behind me, tentatively holding my hips and nuzzling my shoulders. Their dainty hands slid underneath my shirt and rubbed at my stomach before cupping my breasts. I pulled away from Lucas to lift the shirt over my head and toss it nearby. He plucked away the clasps of my bra, sliding it down my arms and letting it join my shirt. Quinn tugged at my hips this time, letting me know they wanted my attention. I smiled, always enamored by their cuteness and ability to beg for me. I turned my body towards them, and pushed them lightly back onto the bed. They were only in an over sized shirt and panties and i made quick work in pulling those away. With their body free for me to command I wrapped my lips around their overly sensitive nipples, pulling them into perfect pink peaks. A few sucks at a time to each one would already draw impatient moans from them. The tease was always part of the fun and I pulled away to retreat back to their lips for another round of slow kisses.
Lucas stepped off the bed momentarily, allowing himself more space to pull off his sweatshirt and shorts from his tall frame. He cupped my chin in his hand and leaned down for a quick kiss. “Go lower.” He whispered.
I smiled dreamily as I listened, trailing kisses down Quinn’s stomach until I parted their thighs. Lucas turned Quinn’s head towards him, rubbing the head of his semi hard cock over the outline of their lips before sliding himself in. His eyes fell closed and I watched Quinn’s cheeks hollow ever so slightly with each suck luring him to a pleasure ridden state. His head dipped back and his slender fingers buried themselves within their dirty blonde hair. It was tempting to spend all night watching them flow together so effortlessly but instead I joined in on the fun and dove my head between Quinn’s legs. They still smelled of the sweet florals of their body wash which made me smile as I covered their lower lips with my tongue. A quick gasp wrapped around Lucas’ dick which made him bite his lip and pull them closer. I drifted my tongue through the budding wetness taking in the warm taste. My lips created gentle tugs on their clit, making the tender nerves swell and garner more favored reactions from my best friend.
I felt my own heat stirring and I pressed my thighs together to try and get a bit of friction but it was useless. I let out a bit of a frustrated groan as I was starting to become hungry for attention. “Take them off.” Lucas panted in between deep thrusts down Quinn’s throat. He was referring to my leggings, which in my hazy state, I had completely forgotten about. Once I was free i returned to my all fours position, spreading my knees wide and dipping my stomach towards the bed. I was going to reach back to finger myself but Lucas beat me to it, using his long limbs and our small bodies to his advantage. His middle finger worked my slit up and down, up and down, up and down, the tip of it making small stops to circle around my entrance. I pushed back towards his finger impatiently waiting to be filled. He chuckled lower and dared to tease me further with the smallest of touches to my clit. I wiggled my hips almost mewling between my staggered licks to Quinn who seemed to notice my distraction. They pulled off of Lucas and swatted at his stomach.
“Be nice, Lucas.”
He quit his teasing then and plunged his finger in though he was pouting about it. I settled into the motion, loving the way he effortlessly slid against my walls and stroked all kinds of sins into me. I was finally able to focus my attention back to Quinn-as I was at least getting a bit of release-and moved my tongue inside them. I dove as deep as I could, burying my face into their soft skin. I gripped at their thighs, preventing them from squirming around as my nose nudged against their clit and my tongue lapped quicker. Lucas added another finger, scissoring me open before plunging back in fully. He was starting to curl his knuckles and bring out the slick sounds of my cum covering his fingers. His deep moans grumbled in his throat as Quinn’s hand flexed around his length, stroking almost in time with Lucas’ thrusts inside me. I pulled away from Quinn then, not wanting Lucas to get too eager and cum early. Instead I crawled up to their face, gently turning their head away from his cock and slid my tongue into them trading their taste for Lucas’.
“Fuck you guys are so hot.” He groaned.
“Shut up Lucas.” Quinn and I said at the same time, rolling our eyes.
“Quick question though...How you you want me to cum? Like in one of you or…?”
I shrugged. “Whatever you want. Doesn't matter to me.”
He seemed to beam with excitement until I snapped my fingers and pointed at my little box of condoms on my dresser. His ego was deflated and he begrudgingly went to retrieve one while Quinn and I laid beside each other. Our hands dove between each others thighs as we kissed, our fingers circling our clits and filling each other every so often. Lucas rejoined us on the bed, looking over us like a buffet, wondering where to start. “Don’t think about it too hard.” I teased, nudging his thigh with my foot.
He bit his lip and set his hands on my hips choosing me as his first source of pleasure. He pressed kisses into my neck with Quinn joining him. I adjusted myself beneath him, widening my legs for him to settle between. Slowly, he sunk into me, filling me with his length and making me clutch onto his shoulders. My brows scrunched just for a moment as i adjusted to the familiarity inside me. Lucas' waited, occupying himself with a few bites to my neck and deep kisses to Quinn. My hand slipped down to grip his firm ass, pulling him in for a minimal thrust. He took it as an offer to proceed and pulled out slowly. I gripped Quinn's hand, bracing myself for the harsh snap of his hips Instead, I was met with a methodical and slow plunge as if he was determined to make me feel every ridge and vein throughout his shaft.
Surprisingly enough, Lucas was the best at slow fucking and pretty attentive for a semi adult with one thing on his mind. He kept a firm grip on me, guiding me to roll back against his hips and let the tip of his cock firmly press against my walls. My head dipped back into the pillow as I closed my eyes and relaxed into a space of forgetfulness -forgetting about all my troubles and coping with the fact that I had friends who would give me everything I needed. I didn't have to rely on some fuckboy with a wannabe girlfriend. Quinn was right about Johnny and I was glad they could bring me some peace of mind along with a slice of pleasure.
Their gentle fingers were caressing my clit while their lips clamped onto my nipple. With the added attention to my bundle of nerves, i was already feeling my muscles tingling with anticipation of my release. I bit down on my lip as i exhaled softly. I could hear Lucas’ rough moans above me, secretly loving how loud and husky they sounded. My thighs clenched around his waist adding to the motion of our bodies shifting into one another. Quinn kissed their way up my neck to my ear and stumbled through asking me if they could sit on my face. I tried to stifle my giggle at their embarrassment to even ask and simple nodded. They maneuvered themselves over my chest, continuously looking back to make sure they wouldn't accidentally kick me. I assured them that it was alright and let them scoot back over my lips. I wrapped my arms around their thighs, securing them against me, before working my tongue through their folds once more. I heard them sigh softly, fading into a moan.
Lucas was mumbling under his breath, most likely nonsensical compliments about how hot we are and how he got off on girl on girl action. Quinn and I normally ignored what he said and focused on how gorgeous his body was and how quickly he could make us cum. Once he saw Quinn over me however, he picked up the pace of his slow thrusts, preferring his usual hard quick snaps instead. My toes curled against his lower spine and I felt like i was crushing his waist between my thighs. He pulled them away from him and instead pushed my legs up towards Quinn, making them hold my knees in place. I practically felt him in my stomach then, plowing away at every inch within me and making my body surge with a tingling sensation.
I squeezed my eyes tighter and tried to keep up the eager thrusts of my tongue into Quinn but it was becoming more and more difficult with the way my body bounced. Suddenly they lifted their hips up allowing me just a small space to see them pushing Lucas back to make room for their head to wedge between my spread thighs. As Lucas thrusted, Quinn licked at my clit all while nudging their ass back against me. My muscles were already clenching and building up tension until i couldn't hold back any longer. I pressed a moan into Quinn's wetness as my lower half wavered with the taxation of my orgasm.
Lucas’ pulled out slowly, a small rush of my cum following him. Quin carefully moved off of me and kissed me, smearing our tastes together momentarily before joining Lucas. I curled up in my little area, regaining my breath while the pair switched up their positions. Quinn was pushed onto their hands and knees, their ass poised perfectly high in the air to give him easy access to plunge into them. I watched with half lidded eyes as I regained my breath. It was nice to lay in the after bliss of it all even when Quinn’s loud moans and the sound of skin on skin disturbed my peace.
Eventually I felt myself getting roped into the mix again with barely any time to truly catch my breath. “You know I’m not done with you yet.” Lucas smirked.
“I was just letting you play with Quinn for a bit. Just to make my baby boy happy.” I pushed back his hair that was getting more sweat drenched by the second. “Don’t you like a thorough workout?”
“I do. So bend over.” He pushed me back down onto the bed making follow the same position as Quinn. He separated from them and slammed into me keeping firm pressure on my lower back. I bit into my pillow, burying my moans into it. Every so often i would feel him leave and switch over to Quinn who gripped my hand with such intensity I was afraid they would break it. I could tell they were close to losing it and for the sake of it all I was selfishly awaiting a second orgasm. Lucas kept the pace with Quinn for a little bit longer before alternating again. It was a tense and teasing feeling, having that desire build up in the deepest part of me then have it ripped away. Teetering right on the edge was enough to make me a begging mess and also extremely bratty. I whined into the pillow, working myself back roughly onto him, as his hand gripped the back of my neck while he plowed into me.
I was panting and drawing nearer to my orgasm, loving the switch into a deep hard fucking but he tore away from me again, making me groan. “Lucas!”
He chuckled and gave my ass a slap. “Relax, there's enough of me to go around.” He plunged into Quinn and brought them to their completion before me just out of spite. Quinn rushed out a scream as their little body shook before collapsing onto my bed. Their hair stuck to their forehead and i pushed it away gently. I was happy that they came but pissed off at Lucas for making me wait. He was being such a snarky little shit about it too. He laid down finally, his head in the direction of the foot of the bed, and patted his thighs, beckoning me to him.
“Ride me, babes. I’m ready.”
I whacked his toned stomach but nonetheless made my over to straddle his hips. I guided him back inside, inhaling deeply as he felt even heavier and thicker now. Slowly, i bounced, setting my hands on his chest to keep my balance. My head dipped low and I bit into my bottom lip trying not to get too loud. He gripped my hips with one hand while the other dipped into his mouth, drawing his tongue over the length of his middle finger. In a few seconds, I felt that wetness between my cheeks, dancing across my rim.
“Relax, Eri. Fuck baby, relax for me. It’s gonna feel so good.”
“Just do it and shut up.” I grabbed his face and crushed his lips to mine as he pressed his finger into me, going slowly at first. His thick tongue slipped into my mouth, practically silencing my ability to convey my pleasure. He was able to eventually work his knuckle into me, making me wince as he coupled it with a faster grind of his hips. I accepted him anyway rocking back on the feeling of each one of my holes being occupied by him. His tongue, his finger, his cock, and my overstimulation was a match made in heaven. His dug his fingertips into my ass forcing our bodies as close as they could go. He was losing control and finding any which way to stay stable but continued to falter. He tossed his head back, finally releasing my lips from his grasp, and filling the condom within me. I ground through his orgasm, chasing my own so I wouldn’t be left unfulfilled after his little edging spell. He was starting to squirm a bit, wanting to slip away from the slight overstimulation. It didn’t stop me though. The feeling of getting my payback sparked my nerves, making me cum hard. I collapsed to the right of him as my legs gave way and I couldn’t hold myself up any longer. Quinn crawled over to Lucas’ left side and laid their head on his chest.
“You guys left me to just jack off on my own!”
“I thought you liked watching us fuck.” Lucas laughed.
“Yeah but you could've at least ate me out!”
I sighed and left them to bicker or even get into it again, wanting to get my peace of mind back. Besides my phone buzzed and I was curious as to who was messaging me now. It was Yuta. I sighed and opened the message quickly just to see what he wanted.
Kisskissfallinlove: NOT COOL
Kisskissfallinlove: WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT
Of course he was referring to me making an example out of him just a couple hours ago.
I didn’t need your toys here. They were gonna get mixed in with my stuff
Kisskissfallinlove: I’M THE ONLY ONE WITH BRIGHT PINK SHIT BECAUSE ITS UR FAVE COLOR
Kisskissfallinlove: HOW COULD IT GET MIXED UP
Stop yelling at me.
Also i’m kinda busy rn
I’ll message you later
Kisskissfallinlove: i’m gonna get you, dont you worry.
I’m not worried sir. I was simply returning your stuff. Don’t forget your shit next time and it wont happen again.
Kisskissfallinlove: thursday. My room
Kisskissfallinlove: i mean it eri.
We’ll see
I tossed my phone back down contemplating ignoring his request or falling into his bed again. Why not? What was the worst that could happen? I needed everything to help me get over the fact that Johnny was over me.
--
Yuta had his legs crossed over mine, pinning my ankles to the bed with his feet. My arms were bound behind my back with the same pink rope I had dumped into his lap just days before. An intricate and tight pattern that accentuated my chest kept me from squirming too much. I couldn’t talk, barely could even moan with the ball gag he stuffed in my mouth. All the while he sat behind me letting a relentless stream of vibrations from his favorite hitachi wand wash over my clit. My toes curled and my fingers flexed against his stomach as he forced me to stop right before I could have my satisfaction. The vibrations were so strong I could feel them even when he pulled the toy away. My panties were becoming a soaked mess as he insisted I keep them on. He loved the way my cum spread across the center leaving the wet spot behind. “Do you wanna cum?” He asked. His other hand was busy scrolling through his phone as if nothing was phasing him at all.
I growled at his stupid question. If I wasn’t irritated enough at his punishment, the fact that he wasn’t even paying attention to me was worse. He set his head on my shoulder. I could see texts popping up on his phone but I had no idea what they said. While Korean men was my forte, the language sure as hell wasn’t. I squirmed a bit more vieing for more pleasure and get this over with. Edging always made me want to kick and scream, especially when Yuta was behind it.
“Oh, did you get the text about Taeyong and Taeil’s Halloween party?”
I glared over at him. How the hell was I supposed to answer with this stupid gag in my mouth? He popped it out and I worked to suck back the spit that it had accumulated before I drooled all over myself unintentionally. “N-no. Let me cum already!”
“It’s this weekend,” He continued. “I’m kind surprised they didn’t tell you. Everyone’s going over there to chill and shit. Do you think you’ll go?”
I bit into my bottom lip as my calves strained and my toes flexed as I tried to focus the pain somewhere else. “I-I don’t th-thi-think I should show up somewhere-AHHH! Uninvited!!!”
He turned the speed up higher. “Yeah I guess it is kind rude but who cares. They know you. It’s not like you're some stranger. You can just be my date.” He kissed me on the cheek and flashed that gorgeous sunshine-y smile at me. I was half tempted to headbutt him.
“Oh a date? Well don’t I just feel so fuckin’ special.”
He tsked at me. “Now, now, Eri. Watch your language. Besides, you’re gonna ditch me as soon as you see Johnny.
The name made me stop wriggling for a moment. “I am not going to ditch you for that asshole.” I said through grit teeth. He turned off the wand then, giving me relief but also stress from the incomplete build up. “I have no reason to go after him now that he has a girlfriend. I may sleep around but I’m not a homewrecker.”
“It’s kinda weird. He keeps saying that she isn’t his girlfriend but she’s like everywhere. And i mean EVERYWERE. She kinda creeps all of us out. He hasn’t seemed like himself either.”
I panted as he pulled the wand away from my panties and replaced it with his fingers. He was sliding through the oversaturation, every graze over my overly sensitive clit making me want to scream. If I didn’t keep up the conversation though I had a feeling he would go back to torturing me. “What exactly do you mean?”
Yuta shrugged and stilled his movements. “Like he’s quiet and he hasn’t really responded to our texts. He kinda looks a mess too.”
My stomach fell with a sudden heaviness. Was something going on with him and that stupid slut? Why was he with her anyway? The whole situation still irritated me but i had to remember that I was over him. I had to move on so whatever was happening with him was none of my business. I shrugged. “Well that sucks for him. I don’t know what you want me to do about it. Maybe I shouldn’t even go. I don’t need to be around him.”
“Damn Eri, that’s harsh…”
“No. You know what’s harsh, not having the balls to even tell me that he didn’t want to be fuck buddies anymore. I don’t care if he got a girlfriend but you don’t just drop someone like that.” I swallowed hard before my voice cracked. “Anyway, i’m over that.”
“Oh, yeah, totally. Sounds like it.” He said sarcastically. I slammed my shoulder back into his chest.
“Remind me why I hang out with you again. You’re frustrating.”
“Because i’m your prince, duh.” His fingers started up again and I could hear the loud squelching as he dove into me. “You should still come with me. I don’t want it to be a giant sausage fest. If anything goes down, we can leave and go get pancakes or something. My treat.”
“Ok, ok.” I agreed against my better judgement. “I’ll go but only because I still expect pancakes no matter what.”
“Unless you leave me for Johnny.”
“Yuta, for the last time I’m not gonna leave you at the party for Johnny. Now can you PLEASE let me cum?!”
--
Johnny’s POV
I didn’t really want to be here but free booze was basically my middle name. Drinking was starting to become my new best friend and I already felt a buzz going. Rixi was still by my side, having flipped out when she somehow found out I was going to this party. It was leading me to drink more and more just to try and forget she was here. There was only so much that Jae could help me with. After I told him a condensed version of what happened after the rave he got defensive and would step in whenever she got to be too much to handle. I was happy that he didn’t act the way I predicted and instead told me that he would always be there for me. We were each other’s family while we were far away from home. It felt good to have someone believe me and not judge me even though I was constantly wondering why I couldn’t defend myself against her. He had hugged me for a long while after our talk and I was grateful but still felt a bit of guilt. He still had to live his own life too and shouldn’t spend it babysitting me and this monstrosity. When we got to the party I told him to go with Quinn and have a good time. He was hesitant at first, giving Rixi a dirty glare, until I insisted that he’d leave. That was when I starting people watching, focusing on the rotation of people coming in and out of the apartment.
When I saw Yuta enter, a harsh nauseating feeling hit my stomach. I set my cup down, knowing that I would need to steady myself to deal with who he had in tow. I should’ve known she would be here. There was no way to escape her no matter how much my mind flipped flopped through wanting to see her and wanting to run away. She looked good. I had no idea what her costume was but there was a lot of vinyl, straps, and a pair of knee high boots. Everything clung to her like a dream and I could see her body line perfectly. My heart skipped a beat or two when my eyes trailed up to see her gorgeous curls on full display and her lips pouted in a deep burgundy. I sighed, knowing that she was going to be the death of me tonight and get me into so much trouble. I needed her out before shit hit the fan.
Our eyes met for a moment but she turned away quickly, tossing her hair over her shoulder and practically throwing herself on Yuta. I moved away from the wall then, heading out towards the balcony to have a smoke and try and calm my nerves. It was freezing tonight but the chill helped cool the heat on my skin that was already making me sweat from my panic. I lit the cigarette and took a slow drag before setting my arms on the railing. What the hell was I going to do? My terrorizer and savior were both in the same room and i was destined to go mad at the thought of them colliding again. Worst of all, because Eri had come with Yuta it meant that she was on the up and up with him. I didn’t want to see her tongue down his throat or the way he treated her like some hentai porn doll. If only she knew about all the pictures and videos he took of her and shared with us, then she wouldn’t be so quick to have his dick inside her.
My jaw tensed and I took another drag. I set my head in my hands in disbelief at my own jealous thoughts. I couldn’t be jealous. There was no reason to be. Yet here I was wishing that every time she touched him, that it were me instead. I heard the sliding doors glide back and that annoying voice popped up beside me. “Johnnyyyy~” Rixi whined. “Why aren’t you here without me?”
“Because I needed a damn smoke. Taeyong isn’t going to let me do it inside his apartment. Can I be out here by myself for one minute?”
“Silly,” She grabbed onto my arm and set her head on my shoulder. “How else am I gonna keep an eye on you? Especially with that bitch walking around here.”
“Excuse me?” I snapped at her.
“The one you always look at on Instagram and Snapchat. The one that was a show off that day at the student center. I don’t like her.”
“Well I do.” I said, straightening up. “Don’t call her a bitch. I mean it.”
“What do you mean you like her? You can’t. You’re my boyfriend.” Her brows furrowed in anger and she was quick to tighten her grip on my arm as usual. I yanked it back roughly.
“I meant what I said. And I’m not your boyfriend.”
“Why do you keep saying that?!”
“Because you forced me into doing something I didn’t want to and i’m tired of it.”
She pressed me into the wall, digging her nails into my chest. “I didn’t force you to do anything. You’re the one who wanted it at the rave and all the other times after that. So don’t say that you never wanted me because that’s a bold face lie.”
“I was high at the rave. I couldn’t even think straight. You took advantage of that- of me.”
Rixi shoved my face back, making my head hit the wall. I winced instantly, already feeling the ringing in my ear. I grit my teeth and didn’t look at her. My body was freezing again; my brain failing to process any fight or flight response. She chuckled then, a sadistic laugh that mocked me with the fact that she had this power. She finally backed away giving me some space to breathe and nurse the bump that seemed to be already forming on my skull. I tossed the barely finished cigarette over the railing and made my way back inside deciding to walk away from her entirely. Jae wasn’t anywhere to be found but i needed some sort of safe haven now that the balcony was off limits. Rixi was still following close behind me but just ahead i saw Eri dip into the bathroom.
I turned around quickly making Rixi slam into me. “Can i piss without you going in there with me?”
She rolled her eyes. “Fine. But make it quick.”
I almost ran to the bathroom door, collecting my thoughts before I took a deep breath and dove back into the world of the person who made me feel alive.
--
Eri’s POV
I heard a knock on the door just as I was touching up my lipstick, making sure it didn’t smear. I licked my teeth and sighed. “Someone’s in here.” I called out, annoyed that people at this party were impatient as ever.
“Open up.”
“What part of ‘someone’s in here’ don’t you understand?!” I kicked at the door, trying to shoo the creep away.
“It’s Johnny.” What the fuck did he want? I rolled my eyes and let out an audible groan loud enough for him to hear.
“Ok, and?”
“Let me in.”
“For what? I’m busy in here.”
“”Let. Me. In.”
“If you don’t get away from this door I will hurt you. Bet on that.”
“You’d have to open the door first.” He said. I groaned again, even louder than last time knowing he was right. I pulled the door open just a crack. “What do you-” I was cut off by him barging in, pushing me back into the tiny room as he did so. He kicked the door shut behind him and shoved me against it not giving me a chance to even breathe. He slammed his hand above my head as he blocked me from escaping. I glared up at him. “What the hell is your problem?!”
“You’re my problem Eri. What are you doing here?” He growled.
“Excuse you, Yuta invited me to be his date. What do you think you’re doing trying to command shit?”
“I’m not trying to command anything. I’m just irritated that you’re everywhere I turn and I can’t escape you.”
“Well gee, that may be because we’re in the same social circle and I fuck almost every single one of your friends.” I said, spitefully. “Besides, does it even matter now that you’re with your precious girlfriend? Shouldn’t you be occupied with her?” I still wasn’t over that fact and but I had come to terms with it. I was still a clusterfuck of emotions- a little jealousy, anger and spitefulness, and a lot of hurt at the betrayal and lack of communication. All that mixed with the fact that my body was reacting to him already in ways that i utterly despised just pissed me off even more. My hair was on end and his heavy breaths made his chest press against mine. He was a mere two inches away from my face and the look in his eyes made me want to make him regret ever ghosting me. I forced my eyes away from his hostile look but instead I focused on those dangerous lips. No. I had to remember that I wouldn’t change for no dick and he couldn’t have this hold on me any longer. He could fuck right off.
“She’s not my girlfriend.” He growled.
“Oh really? Does she know that? Hard to tell with all those ‘hashtag boyfriend’ posts.”
“Now you’re stalking her instagram?”
“You’re stalking mine. I see your likes every day. What do you think i’m gonna do? Fall for you because you liked my dumb videos?”
“Why do you have to be so endlessly irritating? I don’t want anything from you but to be free.”
“I could say the same about you. I loathe you entirely.”
“Hate me then. Hate me forever. Just get the fuck out of my head. Please get the fuck out of my head.”
What? Had he still been thinking about me this whole time? As much as i had? I wondered if he was hurting like I was. Then again he was the one that caused all of this to begin with. “That sounds like a personal problem. I’ve moved on.”
“Yeah, with who? The little boy toys you got floating around?”
“Careful Johnny, your jealousy is showing.”
He grabbed my face roughly and forced me to look up at him. “It’s not my fault.” He closed the small gap, pressing his lips that i missed so much against mine. I clutched at his chest, almost giving in to his prying tongue but I managed to pull my head away before it got too far. I shoved at his chest and turned my head away from him.
“Don’t you fuckin’ dare Johnny. Just don’t. You think you can come back into my life saying and doing what you want when you left me on read for weeks? You didn’t even have the balls to just fucking tell me you wanted to be with her!”
“I don’t want to be with her! That’s the fuckin’ issue! It’s more complicated than you think.”
“What’s complicated about it? You gave me up just to be with her, some low budget copycat version of me. Get over it.”
“How can I when you’re fuckin’ in my head constantly?” He tapped his finger against his temple. “All the damn time, even when I try and force you out you’re in there, haunting me. I’ve tried to get over you, Eri. I’ve tried everything in my power to do so. You wanna talk about hate? That’s hate.”
I scoffed. “In your head? You’re always wrapped up in your head! That’s your problem.” I hit my small fist against him and made him take a step back. My anger was boiling and it was getting worse with the sadness that was creeping into my words. “If you hate me so much then...just get out of my life! We fuck, that’s it. If you’re gonna play games then you’re definitely fucking with the wrong person.”
“I know that. Trust me I do. I just...I can’t think straight. All i do is go back and forth and I get pissed off or needy or sad or anxious. It’s never ending.” He balled his hands up into fists, his forearms straining his frustration. “I wish I could tell you what’s going on…”
I raised a brow at him. “What’s going on is that you’re an asshole and I want nothing to do with you.”
He pushed his hair back and ran a hand over his face. “I get that but...I need you. I fuckin’ need you so bad…”
“Need me? Where we you when I-” I stopped then. Did I really need him or did I just want him? Want him above everything else? I swallowed hard and pressed myself back against the door. Every time. Every damn time. It never failed. Why did I want to run back to him? Why did he have this hold on me? He didn’t deserve anything, especially not my forgiveness or even my body. I could already feel myself ready to cave in at the drop of a hat. I needed to leave this stupid tiny bathroom asap. If I did I could escape him and get a hold of myself. I wouldn’t throw my positive affirmations out the window and make them meaningless again. I reached for the doorknob but his hand covered mine, stopping me. I looked up at him and was suddenly struck with confusion. His eyes weren’t showing anger. Instead they were drowning in hurt. He pressed his forehead to mine and pulled my hand away from the door, placing my arms around his neck while his held my waist. I was disappointed but not surprised that I gave into him. I was kicking myself the entire way, screaming that i was a complete fucking fool and went against everything Quinn had said. But my body ached for him after not having him in my arms for so long. One thing I truly couldn’t escape was the way I felt about him, even if it gave me poor decision making skills.
“Make me feel anything.” He begged.
“What do you need?” I whispered, my voice trembling. I was completely terrified about what I was diving back into
“To feel alive.” He licked his lips and swallowed back. “I need it to hurt.”
I looked up at him as my heart stuttered. “Johnny, I-” He couldn’t mean that. We had never done anything like that before. What was going on with him that he wanted this from me.
“Please, Eri. I trust you.”
I wanted to protest, more than anything, but instead I squeezed him to me tight momentarily before bringing my lips to his. I dont know who this Johnny was but he seemed to have lost the light in his eyes and I didnt like that one bit. My mind buzzed with questions that i wanted answered but knew would be blocked off immediately. His words were making my heart ache more than anything and i felt compelled to extinguish whatever sorrow he had built up within our time apart. I wanted that goofy smile back and I definitely wanted to be the one who caused it. If he wanted this to be a rough wake up call back to reality than i would consent to it. I held his jaw in my hands and placed a gentle kiss on his lips, whispering “I got you.” He nodded, thankful for my agreement.
We shifted slowly into the change of pace, starting with kisses that built their way up from gentle to rough. Our hands explored at first then changed into digs, gropes, and pulls. His hands seemed to be enamored with the simple harness i wore for my ‘costume’ which was just a haphazard mix of whatever I deemed as “sexy enough” for a Halloween party. His fingers traced the embedded rivets in the leather strap from were it rested below my rib cage all the way up to the o-ring on the collar it connected to. He was intrigued by the ring and tugged on it during our rougher kisses, pulling me to my tiptoes though i already had stilettos on. I braced myself against his chest and forced him back against the sink counter. He pulled me along with him by the ring, keeping a solid grip on it while my lips were a flurry of harsh bites to everywhere i could reach. One by one his neck sprouted bright crimson marks, each one coupled with a groan or a hiss. I grew frustrated with the fact that his shirt covered where I wanted to get to the most. I slapped his hand away from me and clawed at the hem of fabric shoving it upwards until he pulled it off all the way.
He tossed it to the ground and my attention peaked when i saw fading green and yellow bruises on his rib cage. “Seems like she already makes it hurt for you.” I pointed out bitterly. Doubt sprouted in my mind like a budding plant and i wondered if she had gotten him used to being rough. Her of all people, when i had the most experience between him and I. My jaw settled with my selfishness, reminding me of that nagging friend, jealousy.
“Trust me, it wasn't in the way i wanted. You can make me feel good; you're a thousand times better.”
I smirked at the sudden boost to my ego. I dipped my nails into the soft skin of his stomach and pressed into him harder. “No shit. Tell me did I ever cross your mind when you were with her? When you were fucking her, touching her, when you kissed her? Did you wish it was me at all?” i teased, licking across my lips coyly.
“Every. Fucking. Time.” He growled. His intensity switched instantly and i was suddenly faced with having my skirt and panties viciously pulled down. I kicked the irritating barriers away, stumbling just a bit as they circled the edge of my boots. His large hands cupped my ass, covering them with delicious heat as he hoisted me up onto his waist. He plopped me down on the counter and yanked me to the very edge to keep me on display for him like some sort of trophy. I grabbed onto his face again drawing out more hungry kisses and struggling breaths from him. I bit down on his bottom lip, tugging harshly and painful enough to make his blunt nails drag down my thigh. I let his lip go and licked at the tender skin, placing softer kisses to soothe it. He yanked his head back, sucking his bottom lip into his mouth to nurse it on his own. “Ass.”
I smirked. “You said make it hurt.” I propped myself back on my elbows, leaning back on the counter and taking in the sight before me- my legs spread wide and a man who was desperate enough to seek out the pleasure i gave him while that she devil lingered at the party most likely wondering where he was at. The evil part of my ego was at it again suddenly growing the fantasy of me winning the battle and the war. He came back to me even after being under her thumb for this past month. That in of itself was enough to add to my building wetness. I brought two fingers to my lips, taking a few seconds to outline the fullness of them before slipping them past my teeth. Johnny’s eyes were hooked on the movements and his hands were moving on their own so as to not distract him from the show i was putting on. He fumbled with the zipper of his dark jeans until he worked them down his long legs and let them pool at his ankles. His navy briefs came next, uncovering his cock that i missed so, so much.
I let my fingers go with a delicate pop and traced them down my stomach to meet my center. I bit down on my lip as i slid them over my clit and guided them towards my entrance. Carefully, i eased one in, getting just to the knuckle before attempting the second one. I closed my eyes and leaned my head back against the mirror as i started to thrust and wiggle my small fingers as deep as they could go. I felt his hand drift to my lips, mimicking my previous motions, forgoing wetting his own fingers and instead shoving them in my mouth instead. It was quickly filled with three of them, almost making me gag on the rough invasion. He thrusted them faster than i could keep up but I swallowed as best as I could, my tongue giving attention to each of their lengths. While his hand kept busy with my mouth, I continued coaxing my cum from within me, knowing I would need every last bit of it for what I wanted him to do.
He was working his own bites into my skin now, digging his teeth into my inner thigh. His mouth was so close to where i desired him most that I couldn’t help but try and buck my hips towards him. He slapped my thigh then, right over the fresh wet bite, making it sting. I whimpered around his fingers just as he pulled them out. I broke the string of spit, wiping my lips as I hated the mess he made me make. “That hasn’t changed,” He swallowed back a small groan as he fisted the head of his cock within his wet fingers. “I won’t do that.”
I rolled my eyes and propped my heel onto his shoulder, getting better access to my entrance. I continued to pump my fingers, forcing my walls to stretch around them. They were nothing compared to Johnny but I could at least tease him with the little show I was putting on. With each trust I would scissor myself open, gaping my eager entrance just a bit before spreading my lips open. The sight made Johnny rut into his hand faster, filling his palm fully. “You’re still such a punk.” I dug the tip of my stiletto into his shoulder as I filled myself again with my fingers. He pushed back against the heel and grabbed at my hips roughly.
“I just like you to beg and never give you the satisfaction.”
I barely had time to pout because he slammed into me so swiftly that my body shook with the force. I wrapped my arms around him tight, a high pitched squeak was all i could manage to let out as I was too afraid that even with the music blaring outside everyone could hear me scream. I left no part of his shoulder blades unmarked by my nails, adding spite into each one. Being fucked open like this was excruciatingly intoxicating, so raw and full of hunger that I could barely process it all. My head was tossed back, my body bouncing against his. My leg remained propped on his shoulder allowing him to dig as deep as he could go.
My hands shifted to his hair, pulling with all my might and earning me the hardest slam yet. My thighs shook with the intensity and tears were edging around the corners of my eyes. He mimicked my pull, grabbing a fistfull of my curls to give him access to mar my shoulders. Unlike him, i despised getting my hair pulled and it only edged me further. I tried to break free from his iron grip but he was relentless. It was like he never wanted to let me go no matter how tight I already was against him. I distracted him with kisses, whimpering like a helpless puppy against him and begging him for more while my hand wrapped around his. I pulled him away, little by little, and transferred his grip to my neck. My scalp still throbbed and I’d much rather feel that strong grip preventing the air from escaping my lungs.
He stilled for a moment, finally easing away from me. I could see him weighing his options and if he could really go through with it. Our moans dissipated into heavy pants as I waited for him. He chewed on his bottom lip, his free palm rubbing up and down my thigh. I looked up at him, my eyes pleading and matching my coy beg. “Please daddy?” I mewled. I covered my mouth quickly, realizing that I had actually uttered that word to him. Heat rose to my cheeks as there was no way to take them back. I tried not to look at him; i couldn't bare to show him my embarrassment. Even though he said he may like it we were still testing the waters and i chose tonight of all times to say it.
My panicked thoughts were stopped when Johnny ripped me off the counter and turned me around, pulling out from me momentarily. He then shoved my ass back against his hips tearing through me again and making me grip the counter to try and steady myself. I was practically bent over, my knees hitting the cabinets below, as he pressed against my back leaving me helplessly trapped. His fingers finally clenched around my throat, suffocating me in the most sinful way. My eyes fell closed and I smirked loving every minute of him destroying me. With his lips close to my ear I heard him pant heavily. “Why do you make me go crazy, Eri?”
“Because,” I rasped, trying to speak as much as I could. “You asked for it remember? I guess we’re both fucked in the head for torturing each other like this.” I swallowed against his fingers as i pressed myself back against him following his movements. My thighs were starting to quiver and my lungs burned in need. Sweat beaded across my forehead as my body felt like it was on fire especially with Johnny crushing me. His unoccupied hand crept between my thighs and circled my clit, even kicking my legs open further to gain more access.
“That’s for damn sure.” He chuckled lowly. “Spread yourself so I can see how good I’m fucking you.”
“Don’t...be so-” I winced as It almost stung to talk. “G-gross.” I gave in and tapped on his forearm, begging him to let me go. He unfurled his fingers and forced my arms behind my back to rest on my ass. I gulped down air, finally being able to expand my chest fully. Johnny seemed determined to take my breath away anyway with another violent slam.
“Do it.” I felt his lips press several kisses down my spine as if he was trying to convince me. I practically growled, trying to snap bites at him when his kisses got close to my shoulders. He caught my lip in his teeth paying me back for how harshly I had bitten him earlier. I winced and tried pulling away only making the pain much worse. He was doing in on purpose and i knew he wouldn't let go until i complied with his order. With a blow to my pride and heaps of embarrassment i pulled apart my cheeks and let him see how deep his cock was forcing me open. He finally pulled away from my lip and i could taste the faintest hint of blood.
The sound that came from deep within his throat as he watched me made my entire body tingle. God that sound- a little primal and angry but still so hungry to cum and feel me clench around him. My body did just that, tensing my walls as I clawed at his wrist and begged him to keep filling my clit with pleasure. He landed a hard smack to my ass, most likely punishment for ruining his view with my desperation. My body jerked forward, my legs creeping onto my tiptoes and pushing me to my orgasm. I covered my mouth quickly, screaming into my skin instead of letting the whole party know how good he made me feel. I pressed my forehead to the counter trying to sap up the coolness of the fake tile.
Johnny barely let me rest through the small aftershocks and my cum spread across my thighs. He pulled me to the floor forcing me onto my knees. The angels were on his side today because I would’ve bitten his dick clean off but my subspace overrode my brattiness as soon as those chocolate eyes glared down at me I was a pathetic puddle at his mercy and he didn’t even have to ask. My lips parted for him and he pushed his way through, practically hitting the back of my throat. It was more than i could handle and I tried to get some breathing room but his hand remained on my shoulder, pressing me into place. I clawed at his hips as my tongue crawled along his shaft and whenever his tip would meet the edge of it. He was singing praises to me, as if my mouth was an entity to pray to. I could feel just the beginnings of his cum slip into my mouth as his hand switched to the back of my neck. His thighs flexed under my palms and my name came with a guttural groan. Though that was enough of a warning I still wasn’t prepared for the thick ropes that coated my throat.
I shoved his hips away and slammed my hand over my mouth, trying my damndest not to hurl his musky bitter taste back up. Reluctantly, I swallowed and shuddered hating the way it slid down my throat. Jesus, why did he cum so much?! He touch returned to a gentleness though my eyes were filled with venom.
“A little warning would have been nice!”
“Sorry! I thought it was obvious! Are you okay?”
I sighed and got up slowly, bracing myself on the counter. “Yeah, no, just peachy. Can’t walk but what else is new.” I wiped my mouth then noticed something. “Johnny?”
He was starting to pull up his underwear when he looked at me. “What?”
“Did you...did you not use a condom?”
He froze. “Oh….”
“Yeah, oh! Oh my god. That’s like my one rule!” I covered my face trying not to think about how flustered it made me.
“Well...I mean you swallowed so...nothing’s gonna happen.” He continued getting dressed before heading over to the sink to splash cold water on his face.
“Yeah, but…” I blushed harder and turned away from him. Though I was sore as hell, it did feel really good. I had never had sex with anyone like that before and now that it was with Johnny I had the irritating idea that it was somehow special. I warned myself to throw that idea out. Nothing was special. He was just a fucking forgetful idiot. I pushed my hair back before looking in the mirror to see the kind of damage my sweat had done to my makeup. I caught Johnny looking at me from his reflection. “What?”
He smiled a little and leaned in to steal a kiss from me. It caught me off guard and I pulled away just a bit only to have him chase my lips. He wrapped an arm around my waist and pulled me close making sure I couldn’t escape. I giggled and pawed at his chest trying to stop his continuous onslaught of sweet pecks. “Stop that!”
“What I can’t kiss you now? You like it.” He blew me a kiss and winked which made me roll my eyes.
“Why are you a dork? You were literally fucking me raw and shoving your dick down my throat and now you’re all soft. What gives?”
“I don’t know. Maybe it’s just something that you bring out of me.” He shrugged and placed another kiss on my lips, this time not as playful as before. I exhaled softly and let myself get wrapped up in the romance of his kiss. I held onto him, allowing his tongue to glide against mine and make my heart flutter. We stayed in each others arms for awhile until I realized that if we kept this up we would be stuck in this bathroom for probably another hour. I pulled away reluctantly. “Hey...um, we should get back out there before anyone notices.”
“I’m sure they noticed anyway. I don’t think I was that subtle.” He laughed.
“Probably not. It’s kind of hard to be sneaky when you’re 6 feet tall and an idiot.”
“Doesn’t help that I trip on everything either.” He set a kiss on my forehead and adjusted his clothes, making sure he was ready to go back out and rejoin the party. I let him leave, still having to clean up myself and get my clothes back on. He closed the door softly and I made quick work of wiping myself down and shimmying back into my bodycon skirt. It was when I went to fix my makeup that I heard yelling outside the door. I swung it open, stumbling out a bit and saw Rixi land a hard slap to Johnny’s cheek. Fuck.
“Are you serious?!” She screamed.
Johnny ran his hand over his face and looked like he was trying with all his might to gather his patience. Christ, was I actually a homewrecker and helped with cheat? God, I didn’t even think of that in the heat of the moment. My stomach started to churn instantly as I was wracked with guilt. He had said she wasn’t his girlfriend but maybe he was lying just to hook up with me. Oh god, I wanted to throw up. I felt a grip on my arm and looked up to see Yuta beside me. “Eri, what the hell did you do?”
“I-I…” I couldn’t even think of words to explain or excuse my actions. My mouth just made motions until I snapped it shut and looked away. What would I even tell him that wasn’t the obvious with the marks along my neck? Yuta face palmed and gave me a great sigh of disappointment.
“Can’t say I’m surprised.” He mumbled making me feel worse about the whole situation. I stared at my feet helplessly wishing that Quinn would come get me and take me home.
“Cut it out!” I heard Johnny say.
“Whoa, fuck!” Yuta let me go and went over to to the commotion. I saw Rixi still putting her hands on Johnny though he was trying to deflect her attacks. Yuta was trying to separate the two but Rixi shoved him back. I could understand why she was mad of course. She had every right to be. But hitting anyone wasn’t going to solve anything. Johnny’s face was already red and shirt overstretched with all the pulling she was doing to it. It was garnering attention from the partygoers and eyes were split between me and the commotion. I felt like i had a giant scarlet letter on my back and the shady whispers weren’t helping. As i was trying to take the opportunity to escape I heard more yelling and a loud bang.
“Dude cut it out!”
Johnny was against the wall now and Yuta was trying his best to still get a handle of the situation, Taeyong had stepped in and the music cut out. Everyone was walking on eggshells, teetering around the morals of hitting a woman. Something clicked within me and I pieced together what was going on. She wasn’t just mad, she was purposefully attacking him, landing multiple hits and that was something I wouldn’t take. I stormed over, shoving Yuta out the way and grabbing Rixi by the shirt. She had a few inches on me but I was far from scared.
“Go ahead, lay a hand on him again.” I growled. She shoved me back hard, making me stumble back into Yuta. My anger boiled over and I launched myself at her just as the chants for a fight started. Taeyong caught me and held me back.
“ERI! Go the fuck home!”
I tried pushing him away but he only held onto me tighter. “Are you just gonna let this happen?!”
“You're a shit starter and i’m not gonna have a fight break out and the cops called at my fucking party. Go. Home.”
“Me a shit starter!? Don't you see what she's doing to him?!”
“You're the one who had to go and sleep with him to begin with! Now leave.” He let me go then as i almost went lifeless at his words. It hurt more than anything especially because I knew it was probably my fault. I stepped back and turned on my heels, grabbing my coat off the nearby couch, before running out the door. I pushed through the front door of the apartment complex and frantically searched in the dark for my car. I dug my hand through my coat pocket and fished them out, clicking on the key fob to see my headlights glowing. Tears were starting to fall down my cheeks.
“Wait up!” I heard from behind me. I kept walking, refusing to stop for him. Of course he followed me. He was just planning to make things worse.
“Leave me alone!” I shouted back at him. I got to my car and grabbed a hold of the handle, swinging the door open. He ran to catch up to me and held onto the door, preventing me from closing it.
“Please wait.”
“Wait for what?! I was stupid and fucked you when I knew you had a girlfriend-”
“She isn’t my girlfriend!”
“Why the fuck do you keep saying that!?”
“Because she-!” He sighed. “I have to tell you something. Something important but not here. Come to my place?”
“Why should I?”
“I think you need to know the truth about me and Rixi.”
--
Ten/Eri Chat
Ten: (Spotify Link) Break Up with your Girlfriend, Im Bored- Ariana Grande
Ten: (Spotify Link) Send My Love (To Your New Lover)
Ten: (Youtube Link) LEMONADE Full Album Beyonce
What are you doing????
Ten: (Spotify Link) Thank you, next- Ariana Grande
Tennnnnnnn. What. are. You. doing????
Ten: I’m helping you create a playlist so you can cry/get over Johnny
Ten: And hurry up and get in my bed
Ten: But I’m being a good friend first
Oh my god, i’m going to snap your little neck
Ten: Which diva phase are you in, crying like adele, hoeing like ariana, or i’m gonna kill you like beyonce?
I’m in my “im gonna block Ten” phase.
Ten: Wack, i’m perfect and you love me.
Ten: Second question though
Ten: Want to go to the club with me tonight?
What club? For what? I just worked a 6 hour
Ten: So? Get your good bra out and lets get fucked up and make out with everyone
Ten: You deserve it.
Ten: and duh, gay club downtown. Who has time for boring hetero clubs
I don’t even think i’ve been to a straight club. What are the heteros like Ten? They’re a mystery to me
Ten: Ask your boyfriend
Ask all the girls you slept with. And all those jocks you blew in high school
Ten: Hey! At least they were on the DL. it counts as gay. Anyway we can dance on the stripper poles when we’re drunk and make poor decisions and record them on snapchat
Ten: cmooooooonnnnnnnnnnnn
Fine. I guess I can go.
Btw i’m in between ariana and beyonce
--
The Boys Group Chat
Taeil: Ok ok ok ok
Taeil: We need to talk about what the fuck is going on
Taeyong: You mean Johnny and his GIRLFRIEND????
Yuta: what even in the actual fuck was that all about? I was so confused.
Taeyong: at least you didn’t get spit on by jae
Ten: Or get all your toys dumped on you lmaoooooooo😂😂😂😂
Yuta: SHUT UP
Yuta: I DIDN’T THINK SHE WAS GONNA DO THAT
Taeyong: you know she did it on purpose because she wanted to make a show out of it
Taeil: careful ty. Ur jungwoo is showing.
Taeyong: shut up it’s not even like that.
Ten: so much spite for such a small body.
Ten: but now that johnnys got a girlfriend maybe she’d want to fuck you again
Taeyong: it’s srsly not like that you shit
Yuta: wait so like...is he out the group chat though? We literally only fuck around. None of us have ever gotten girlfriends or anything
Yuta: not like since h.s anyway
Taeil: its not like were a cult or something
Taeil: we can talk about who we fuck still
Taeil: and trade pics
Jae: you guys don’t know what ur talking about
Jae: just drop it
Ten: how can we drop it?!
Ten: literally Johnny has fucked around more than all of us
Yuta: that’s a lie but ok go off
Ten: ANYWAY
Ten: he’s fucked around a lot and he’s never been tied down so what gives?
Jae: its more complicated than you think
Taeyong: how is it complicated. theyre together right?
Jae: yeah but its still not that simple
jae: just drop it
Jae: i’m trying to handle it
Taeil: handle what????
Taeil: wtf is all this cryptic ass shit???
Jae: im not in a place to tell anyone really
Ten: is he like getting abused lol
Ten: NOT LOL
Ten: but you know what i mean
Jae: i gotta go.
Jae: just don’t talk about shit that you know nothing about
Taeil: OK BUT THIS DOESN’T ANSWER ANYTHING OH MY GOD
Lucas: so like idk whats going on with johnny
Taeyong: neither do we
Lucas: but eri was pissed.
Ten: no shit
Lucas: but i managed to calm her down
Lucas: me and quinn
Lucas: together
Yuta: wait a minute you got a fuckin angry threesome out of all of this?????
Yuta: NO FAIR
Lucas: a lot happened lol
Lucas: a lot a lot
Taeil: goddammit lucas
Taeyong: what’s your score at now?
Lucas: for eri?
Taeyong: duh.
Lucas: does the bj count? Multiple orgasms in one go?
Taeil: bj's fine, no to the mult orgasms
Lucas: lets see, there was like once or twice in between some stuff so including the bj and the threesome like 4 for Eri and like 12 for quinn
Yuta: fuck i’m behind. I only have 2
Taeil: We’ve had three lessons so thats what i got👅👅👅👅
Ten: I’ve been busy with dance practice so i got 3 too. We got drunk at the club and fucked after
Taeyong: good going idiot
Lucas: ok but you’re losing at 0
Taeyong: I’M NOT PLAYING
Ten: 👀👀👀👀👀
Johnny: quit talking about her like that.
Johnny: i’m dead serious
Johnny: she’s not some piece of meat to fuck with
Ten: ooohh daddy johnny is starting to show
Ten: careful, you might be getting a new girlfriend soon
#Johnny Fanfic#JOHNNY SMUT#nct 127 fanfic#nct 127 fanfiction#johnny nct#messy#nct 127 smut#johnny suh#johnny seo#johnny fanfiction#johnny suh fanfiction#johnny seo fanfiction
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Tinkering with Cannabis: Tincture Review 2
Product: CBD (Cinnamon Flavored)
CBD: 375.91 mg
THC: 35.65 mg
Company: Sira Naturals
Location: Somerville, Ma
Cannabis Connoisseur: Jackie
Website: www.siranaturals.org
Hello again to all my cannabis loving and canna-curious friends, and welcome back for another tincture review! Today I will be reviewing the Sira Naturals Cinnamon flavored CBD Tincture, which I picked up from my friend Jackie over at Sira Naturals in Somerville, Ma. All of Sira’s tinctures are created using their “premium THC/CBD oils produced through an organic cane ethanol extraction method and MCT oil (Medium Chain Triglycerides). Despite this being a CBD tincture, there is THC in this product, though just a small amount compared to the CBD measurements. The recommended dosage is one drop, which is what I will be using to help with anxiety relief, to improve my focus, decrease my stress, and improve my mood. Before we get started, I want to note one thing I personally LOVE about Sira’s tinctures. Their tinctures are made using coconut oil, which really provides a smooth and pleasant flavor and consistency to their tincture. This single ingredient has had a major impact on how I view tinctures, moving them into a much more positive light.
Now to get started with our testing. Opening the bottle at 10:50 a.m., the scent is very strong of cinnamon. This is great because it really masks the scent of the cannabis, not 100%, but enough that you won’t get an overpowering scent of weed as you do with the unflavored tinctures. The flavor is very strong of cinnamon too. When you take a drop, you are not going to feel a ton of liquid in your mouth. You should only feel a very slight drop and a light taste of cinnamon. If you feel a decent amount of liquid and/or a super strong flavor of cinnamon, then you may have taken a bit too much. With this tincture, the THC measurements are pretty low, so you won’t have too much of a psychoactive response, however, with stronger tinctures, this could pose an issue, so be sure to go very lightly when hitting the dropper. Within five minutes I can feel my body start to relax and the anxiety begins to fade away. I can feel the muscles in my neck and back easing, and my racing thoughts seem to be slowing down. About half an hour later, at 11:20 a.m., my mood has greatly lifted to a place of happiness, contentment, and peacefulness. My anxiety has completely faded, and my focus has improved significantly. An hour later, at 11:50 a.m., I my body is so relaxed, yet my mind is sharp. I do not feel the normal mental lag that I tend to have daily, and I do not feel like I am exhausted. My mood is happy, and I am calm, finding myself in a place where I am very much at peace. The level of focus is fantastic. I am finding myself on top of my game, easily able to zero in on the things I need to get done, while also multi-tasking on other projects that come my way. My interactions with others are pleasant and anxiety-free, where in most cases, I am plagued with anxiety and overthinking every statement. I do not feel hindered in any way, and I do not feel as though I am experiencing any psychoactive effects, even though I know that the THC is causing a slight psychoactive experience which is contributing to the intensity of the stress and anxiety relief and mood uplift.
Two hours later, at 12:50 p.m., the relaxation and mood uplift have remained stable at the same level as the previous check-in. My anxiety has remained at bay and my focus is still fantastic. I am not finding that there are any psychoactive effects kicking in at this point, just the continued mellow feeling with a wonderful mental sharpness that is allowing me to remain relaxed while remaining at the top of my game. I still do not feel any sort of fatigue, and I have yet to experience any negatives. Sometimes the CBD can make me feel overly euphoric, but this is not the case here. As I continued to track the effects, I found that they lasted straight through with no change until 2:50 p.m., at which time they did start to mellow out a bit, meaning I could feel the bodily relaxation wear off a little and my focus decreased a slight bit. Despite this, my mood remained happy, I still felt calm, and my anxiety did not return. As the effects continued to diminish over the next hour, finally completely wearing off at 3:45 p.m., I continued to find myself in a happy and relaxed state. My body was not as relaxed, and my mind was slightly racy, but no where near as intense as it had been. My focus has dwindled a bit, but I am finding I can keep my head in the game, and it has not slowed down my ability to multitask, nor has it changed my ability to enjoy social interaction. At this point though, I would consider remedicating just to bring myself back to the point of feeling extremely physically relaxed in addition to the mental clarity and focus. I also feel that this would help to slow down the racing thoughts before they become too extreme and set off the anxiety.
Overall, I found this tincture to be an amazing product. I only required on small drop in order to reap the benefits of the tincture, and its effects lasted for several hours. Even at the end of the effects, I could have chosen not to remedicate and I would have been fine, but to continue with the relaxation and calmness, I decided to go ahead and take another drop of tincture. One of the things I love most about this product is its ability to make me feel like I am on top of the world, and that no matter what happens I can handle it. I feel like I can think clearly without having my anxious mindset clouding my judgement, and I also found that it made it much easier for me to interact with others without overthinking everything I say and do. I sort of had a “fuck it” type of demeanor when it came to worrying about whether anyone thought I was weird, which usually is the main thing that I worry about when talking to others and is usually the one thing that makes me struggle the most socially. I would highly recommend this product for anyone who is looking to battle depression, anxiety, stress, fatigue, and lack of focus. I also think that this could be a great option for those with muscle pain, as the bodily relaxation is strong enough that you can feel the tension leaving your muscles. I could see myself using this every day, and I believe it would greatly enhance my life and my ability to interact with others while feeling more confident. Given how well this worked for my needs, I have to give this product 5 stars! Great job Sira, another amazing product for the books! Keep up the great work!
If you are a patient or adult above the age of 21 in Massachusetts, check out the following link for where you can purchase this product:
https://www.siranaturals.org/where-to-buy-cannabis-massachusetts
Well my friends, we have reached the end of this review. Thank you for joining me, and stay tuned for more product reviews!!
Disclaimer
*****Please remember, this blog is an account of my personal experience with this product. Not everyone has the same experience with every product, and that’s okay. I always recommend starting out with one to two hits to see if that is enough, and you can always increase your dose from there.*****
Also, if you find this post helpful, please help me get the word out to other patients by liking and re-blogging this post! Thanks!
#mary jane#cannabiscures#cannachef#cannabis patient#cannabisculture#cannabis dispensary#medical cannabis#cannabis tincture#cannabislife#cannabis#marijuana tincture#marijuana content#veterans marijuana#medical marijuana strains#medical marijuana patients#marijuana strains
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Alone | Peter Parker x Reader
This is the fic for my 500 follower fic giveaway! @nerdypisces160 was the winner of this lovely celebration and in turn requested this, and I was super excited to write it! It’s a bit different from what I usually write but it was a change I very much welcomed! Hope you all enjoy!
Request: “So I would like a Peter x reader one shot. What I was thinking that the reader knows about Peter being Spiderman. One night her family starts fighting and involving her, so she decides to just leave and go for a walk. While on her walk something can happen whether it's her getting almost mugged or her almost getting hit or anything really. Spiderman/Peter saves her. He decides to take her to a rooftop of his building and he wants to comfort her. The reader kinda gets depressed and tells Peter that she wishes he would have just left her alone. He starts to ask why, and she tells him about her family life and how it is affecting her. Then they just sit together on the roof and he comforts her, tells her not to think like that, and shows her that he will always be there for her.”
Words: 4.3k
Warnings: Fighting (verbally, not physically), family/home issues
-Masterlist-
A L O N E :
The streets were extra dark tonight, probably due to the looming clouds above you. You weren’t sure if it was supposed to storm, but it would make no difference either way; you hadn’t brought a jacket and there was no way you would turn back for such a trivial thing. In fact, you weren’t sure you’d turn back even if you’d left a body part behind.
“You’re not listening to me!”
“I don’t need to listen because we both know I’m right! Put your pride away for once!”
You kicked a pebble from under your foot, watching as it scuffled onto the street and was ran over by a passing car. You were getting further into the city—you could tell by the noise and influx of people—so you promptly turned around at the next corner and headed a different direction.
You couldn’t help but wonder where Peter was at right now, whether he was out helping some innocent citizen get their purse back or helping stop a nearby bank robbery you wouldn’t know about until you turned the news on tomorrow; Peter loved fighting the big crimes, but for your sake you hoped it was the former.
Speaking of Peter, he had texted you earlier, but you’d been unable to answer. You could now, but the phone in your pocket seemed more of a burden than a blessing at the moment. Eventually you’d have to give it attention, but you were content with keeping it tucked away for now.
“My pride? You’re seriously telling me that my pride is the cause of this?”
“Guys, it’s not that important-“ you tried to say to ease the tension and maybe even stop the shouting, but as soon as it left your mouth you knew it was only bound to get worse. “It’s not worth this.”
“Exactly!” your mother exclaimed. “It’s not worth this, so let’s just sign the stupid form and be done with it!”
“I already said she’s not going on that field trip!”
A drop of rain splattered on your nose, pulling you from your thoughts. You looked up just in time for another to land directly in your eye and you yelped at the sudden intrusion. The sting went away after a few seconds, but by then the rain was beginning to pick up, leaving you with two choices: either find shelter or go back home—not that the latter was a real option.
You took a look around for the first time to see that you were in Peter’s neighborhood, the nearby sight of Delmar’s being the evidence. You hurried to the awning covered shop and stood under it, deciding to wait the rain out. It wasn’t that cold anyways and you would feel guilty if you went into Mr. Delmar’s without having any money on you, so this would have to do.
“It’s a simple field trip! She’ll be the only one in her class that doesn’t go!”
“Your sister never complained when I told her no field trips!”
Your head snapped up at your father’s mention of you. You’d been trying to slink quietly into your room hopefully without notice, but now that was going to be an impossible task. Your brother caught sight of your anxious, wide eyed stare and stepped in, speaking loud but calm.
“I don’t think it’s right to drag Y/N into this, guys. This isn’t her fight.”
Your phone buzzed in your pocket. You finally fished it out only to see an apology text from your brother—the one person who had attempted to defend you and who had nothing to apologize for. You sighed and sent a quick reply back telling him exactly that before moving onto Peter’s text asking if you’d made it home safe. Your thumbs hovered over the keyboard. Yes, you’d made it home safe initially and that was the truth, but was it lying if you weren’t still there?
After a few moments’ debate you typed out a blunt ‘yes’ and clicked send, watching the blue bar at the top of the screen grow longer and longer until it disappeared completely, indicating that the message had been delivered.
“No, why is that, Y/N?” your mother prodded, completely ignoring her son “Why did you never argue your father’s—one-sided, may I add—decision on that?”
“It’s because all her friends are nerds just like her and don’t care if they spend another day at school while their classmates go have fun!” your sister declared, making your chest tighten and your cheeks flush.
“That’s not true-“
“At least Y/N and her friends have enough responsibility and intelligence to know that a field trip will do them no good!” your father proclaimed.
You felt another buzz but decided to ignore it. You didn’t particularly feel like talking, especially if it was your family. If it was your brother he couldn’t have sent anything too important, if it was any one of your other family members then you definitely wouldn’t be responding, and if it was Peter then he needed to be focusing on his Spider-Man duties rather than texting you.
The rain was slowly letting up, but the sidewalks were still mostly cleared and the nearby shops were crowded with people just like you who’d decided to wait it out, which you predicted would work out in your favor. It wasn't looking like the downfall would last much longer.
“A field trip can be very educational! And even if they learn nothing from it, it’s still important for our children to have fun every once in awhile! I know Y/N believes this too, so that’s why I want to know the reason she didn’t fight you on it!” your mother spewed.
You could feel your anxiety rising and your anger bubbling as you realized they’d just placed you in the center of the crossfire—again. You wanted to point out that they needn’t talk about you in third person, much less fight about an argument you never made and words you didn’t say, but you were afraid it’d make it even worse.
When the rain turned to a light sprinkle, you ducked out from your temporary shelter and continued walking. You didn’t have a set destination in mind, only knew that you wanted to get as far away from home as you possibly could. As long as you were able to find your way back at the end of the night, that was all that mattered.
A layer of goosebumps appeared on your skin, making you cross your arms to imitate some semblance of warmth. The air itself was rather warm, but the cold drops of rain that splashed down offset it.
“You’re being ridiculous! Y/N knows better than that! If she truly had a problem with my decision then she would have brought it up!” your father retorted.
You snapped. You weren’t sure what brought it on, whether it was the countless times you’d been wounded on the frontlines but never given a second glance, or if it was the fact your parents were both constructing you to fit their ideal images rather than letting you be you. You didn’t know, but whatever it was was enough.
“You know, maybe if you just asked me then you wouldn’t have to make up words to put in my mouth! But no! Of course you’d never ask me for my outlook on something! You’d never ask me because you’re too afraid my answer wouldn’t fit in to your little story and God forbid I have my own opinion in this house!” you snapped, taking everyone but your brother by surprise. You wondered if he sensed your breaking point before you did.
Peter’s apartment building was straight ahead, and you briefly thought about visiting May until you realized that today was one of her double shift nights and she wouldn’t be home until much, much later. So you walked past it, then went several more blocks until the whir of cars dissipated into the distance and you were left with only the sound of your own footsteps and the occasional splat of rain.
There was something comforting about being alone. It meant no people to judge you as you walk by, no people to impress, no people to forcibly make small talk with—no pressure, no anxiety, no worry. Times like these were scarce, as living in New York City almost always guaranteed running into at least one person on the sidewalk. But while the rain was out and the sky was growing darker by the minute, you found yourself being the only one walking this particular block. And it was nice.
“Why didn’t you argue it, Y/N?” your brother asked for you when it became apparent by your parents’ disapproving glares that they wouldn’t be.
Your mouth opened without hesitation.
Peter’s hoodie you’d stolen long ago was wet now, clinging to your arms like a second skin. It was slightly uncomfortable, but your wet socks were even more so. Your shoes made a suctioning noise with every step you took, reminding you of the sound Peter made when he would slurp the last of his milkshake, refusing to stop until it was all gone. You pictured his playful grin as you complained about the annoying sound only for him to continue, one of his brown curls falling onto his forehead as he tilted his head to get a better angle.
A bright flash of light and the loud blaring of a horn caused you to snap out of it. You lifted your head to see a car barreling straight toward you and the only thing you could think was that there was no way they could slow down at this point, that you were going to get hit, and that it was going to hurt. Like, really hurt.
You stood wide-eyed, staring at the car as it zoomed closer with each passing second. You squeezed your eyes shut and felt a pressure on your midsection, then a whoosh of air as you sailed through it. You wondered if the car had managed to hit you hard enough to make you not feel anything at all, but you weren’t sure if such a thing existed. If that was the case, however, then this wasn’t so bad.
A muffled voice was echoing in your ear, and you realized that you’d stopped moving. Maybe someone called 911 already and that was who was trying to talk to you. But then as the shock started to wear off, you realized you were standing upright—not sprawled across the wet street—and that you recognized that voice.
“Y/N, are you okay? Talk to me, c’mon, please.”
You were lowered to a sitting position, your head resting on something soft and sturdy. Your first thought was that you should open your eyes, but that was too much of a struggle. Sleep had hardly come the past few weeks and now, with everything numbed and most sound drowned out, your eyes felt unusually heavy.
“Karen, read vitals.”
Fingers were pressed to your wrist a minute later, measuring the pulse you couldn’t feel. But you were sure there was one, because if there wasn’t then you wouldn’t be able to hear any noise or feel any touch.
Wait—who was Karen and why did the name sound so familiar to you?
And then it clicked.
Your eyes flew open, startling the elongated white ones in front of you. Vivid colors entered your vision all at once, then slowly the other senses came back; you felt the rain from earlier still falling on you, cool and soft, then you smelled smoke and burnt rubber, and then you heard the voice again, this time completely identifiable to you.
“Hey, hey, hey, slow down, baby,” he said affectionately. “You’re in shock—that’s what Karen said—so you have to take it easy.”
“Peter,” you gasped breathlessly. His hand landed on your cheek while his other ripped his mask off, allowing you to look into his familiar brown eyes.
“It’s just me, Y/N. Look at me. I’ve got you. It’s okay. You’re okay.”
You blinked a few times while everything came rushing back to you with crushing power. Your guard rose almost immediately, and your legs shook as you stood up despite Peter’s protests.
“Y/N, stop it! Of all the times you choose to be stubborn-“
“Leave me alone.” Your voice faltered as you stumbled backward looking for a way out, and your heart dropped when you saw he’d brought you to the top of a building. You didn’t want Peter to see you like this. You’d only been dating for five months, but after he revealed his Spider-Man secret to you you’d grown much closer and you didn’t want to lose that. You were afraid if you let him see the deepest, most inner parts of you that nobody saw but you, then exactly that would happen. “Just...just get me down from here and leave me alone. I wish you would’ve left me alone!”
You didn’t have to look at Peter to know that hurt was dancing across his innocent face. “Y/N, if I would’ve left you alone you could’ve died. I wasn’t going to let that happen,” he said gently but firmly, standing up too but not making a move to get closer; he sensed you needed the space. “And I’m not going to take you back down until I know you’re okay.”
You clenched your fists, the bite of your nails as the dug into your palm keeping you temporarily grounded. “I’m fine, Peter! I’m not hurt! You saved me, okay?! You can take me down now!”
“You texted me no more than ten minutes ago that you’d made it home safe. There’s no way you could’ve made it from your house to here in ten minutes even if you were sprinting,” Peter started deducting, making your hands momentarily weaken in their grip. “I texted you soon after you texted me, but you never replied.”
“Peter, stop-“ you tried, turning your head to hide your tears.
“Something told me that you weren’t home even before it was proved true, but when I went looking for you I didn’t expect to find you on my block seconds away from getting hit by a car!
“Cut it out!” you shouted back, frustratedly blinking.
“You’re not okay,” Peter said, his voice dropping again, and it was only when his hands landed on your shoulders that you realized he’d been moving progressively closer. “You don’t have to lie to me.”
“Yes, I do,” you choked out, but even as you were hoping he’d drop it and leave you be, your hands subconsciously rose to clamp down on his forearms.
“Y/N,” he whispered, his eyes searching yours. “No, you don’t.”
A tear escaped from your eye, running slow down your cheek. Peter watched it with a sad look and wiped it off with the pad of his thumb. That was all it took for you to fall forward into his chest and release the rest of the tears that’d been held in for so long. He simply held you, let you get everything out without pushing for answers or attempting to calm you down; you’d calm on your own time. Though, you’d be lying if you said his arms didn’t help speed along the process.
“Do you still want me to leave you alone?” Peter murmured after your waterworks stopped.
You shook your head, giving a breathy laugh at how this turned out. “It doesn’t matter anymore.” Your voice was scratchy, luckily muffled by the red and blue fabric your head was currently pressed against.
“Why?”
“Because the whole reason- I just- I never-“ You sighed, burying further into his chest. “I just didn’t want you to see me like this.”
Peter slowly pushed you away and cleaned your face of any leftover tears before taking your hand and leading you to the edge of the rooftop. He sat down first, childishly swinging his legs. You followed, holding his hand as you settled onto the ledge. You were glad you weren’t afraid of heights, or this position would have been slightly problematic.
“Wanna talk about it?” he asked quietly so as not to disturb the silence.
You swallowed, looking down. “I don’t know if I should.”
“You don’t have to if you don’t want to,” Peter said, moving your chin until you were looking at him. His eyes were soft but hardened around the edges just enough to get your attention as he said the next part. “But if the only reason you’re holding back is because you don’t want to burden me or you’re afraid my opinion of you will change, then you have no solid basis not to.”
You pulled away and he let his hand drop, allowing you to make the decision on your own. He knew you so well already and that scared you, but something about never opening up to him about this—because you knew if you didn’t now you never would—and lying straight to his face when he eventually asked why you hadn’t taken him to meet your parents scared you even more. How would you explain to Peter that your parents didn’t know he existed, let alone that he was your boyfriend? How would you tell him that it wasn’t because you were ashamed of him, but rather ashamed of the two people who had given you life?
“I didn’t text you back right away because as soon as I walked in my door, I could hear my sister and my parents practically screaming at each other. And after I left and texted you back, I didn’t bother to look at my phone again because I thought it was most likely my mother or father.”
There was a small pause. “What were they fighting about?”
You sighed and ran a hand through your tangled hair. “I think it was over a field trip this time? I don’t know exactly.”
“This time?” Peter prodded, tracing small circles on the back of your hand.
Deep breath, Y/N. “Yeah,” you whispered. “I honestly can’t remember the last time my parents weren’t fighting.” You could tell Peter was struggling for words, so you squeezed his hand and said, “You don’t have to say anything, Pete. It’s okay.”
He relaxed a bit at your words, and his thumb went back to tracing. You sat in a comfortable silence for awhile, the both of you just appreciating the other’s comforting presence. After you had enough time to gather your bearings, you opened your mouth again.
“They’re constantly making me choose sides; neither of my siblings ever have to, so it must be a middle child thing. I don’t know. But even when I don’t choose a side, one or both of them still end up being mad at me.” You paused, biting your lip. “It wouldn’t be so bad if I wasn’t constantly dragged into it. It didn’t use to bother me to the extent it does now.”
“To what extent is that, exactly?” Peter immediately asked, blatantly concerned.
You shrugged, watching as the heels of your shoes hit the side of the building with every kick. “I hardly sleep. I’m always so busy trying to get out of the crossfire that by the time I get to my room I still have homework, not to mention eating and showering and whatever else is considered basic self-care. Half the time when I pull out my homework I have no idea what I’m doing because I was basically sleep-walking the whole day. I just…” You swallowed, trying to get the words out of your mouth before you could regret saying them. “I just want to turn eighteen already,” you whispered. “I want to get out.”
“Have you...um…did you try talking to them about it?” You shook your head. Peter waited as if contemplating his next words, but he soon settled for a small, “Why?”
No, why is that, Y/N? Why did you never argue your father’s—one-sided, may I add—decision on that?
I don’t think it’s right to drag Y/N into this, guys. This isn’t her fight.
Why didn’t you argue it, Y/N?
“I didn’t want to start a fight,” you whispered, playing with the end of your sleeves.
The street below you was slowly beginning to fill up with the normal crowd of people and flood of traffic again. The rain had stopped, though there were a few with umbrellas just in case. The skies were starting to clear up, returning to the bluish-gray color, and the leftover rain sparkled with a natural beauty you didn’t get to see much of in New York.
“You know,” Peter said quietly, “you could always talk to me. About anything. To ask about homework, to get your mind off things, to talk. And...and if it ever gets bad like it did tonight and you need to leave, please tell me so I can come get you.”
“You can’t just swing to my window every time I call, Peter,” you pointed out, finally looking at him. “You can’t ask May to drive every time either.”
“I can call someone to get you. I can get Happy for the times May’s busy, and if I’m out Spider-Man-ing and you call, that’s the kind of thing I’m supposed to help with—getting people out of bad situations,” Peter argued, looking pleadingly at you. “I could call Mr. Stark and have him send a car for when Happy’s busy, I could pay for a taxi, just please Y/N, please tell me if it gets bad.”
It only took seconds of your boyfriend’s innocent, pleading look for you to give in. “Okay,” you relented. “Okay, I’ll call.”
A breath of relief rushed out of Peter’s lungs, and he let go of your hand only to wrap an arm around you and bring you into him again. “You’re always welcome, you know that, right? I mean, I haven’t talked to May but she loves you and I know she wouldn’t mind helping out in whatever way she can. I don’t even have to tell her why you’re spending the night or why you’re coming over for supper, you can just call and let me worry about the excuses.”
You couldn’t help but smile at Peter’s need to protect you, to care for you. It warmed your heart, making you thankful you’d told him the truth. “Thank you,” you voiced, placing a kiss on his cheek which promptly turned a light pink.
You sat in quiet content for a long while until your phone broke the silence with its incessant ringing. You sighed and pulled it out, dreading what you would find. It was only slightly relieving when you saw it was your brother.
“I should answer. It’s my brother,” you told Peter.
“Is that a good idea?” he asked a bit warily.
“He’s the only one in my family I trust right now,” you admitted. “Hence why he’s the only one who knows I have a boyfriend.”
Peter didn’t look at all hurt or offended at the statement which relieved you, and he nodded in assent, prompting you to accept the call.
“Y/N?” your brother’s voice came on, eerily quiet.
“Yeah?” you asked in trepidation.
“Where are you right now?”
A wave of panic washed over you as you answered, “I’m with Peter. Why? Do I need to come home?”
“No,” your brother said, sounding relieved. “No, don’t come home tonight. See if you can stay with him, please.”
“Has it gotten worse?” you whispered, already knowing the answer.
“Yeah,” he simply agreed, but the heaviness of his tone said it all. “Just stay with Peter tonight, okay? I’ll let you know tomorrow whether or not you can come back. Don’t go and get anything from your room, either. It’s the weekend so your book bag can be left, and I’m sure you could borrow clothes and a spare toothbrush.”
You frowned, and even though your sister had turned on you tonight, you knew that her response to stress was anger and that she couldn’t help it. You were even willing to bet she was with your brother right now, trying to find comfort and forgiveness in his arms. “What about you and-“
“I’ve already made a couple calls. We’re not staying either.”
You reluctantly nodded, even though he couldn’t see you. “Good.”
“We gotta go now, but I promise I’ll text you later. You’re okay?”
Your lips twitched up at his protectiveness, and though you felt bad he was having to step into the role as guardian for both you and your sister, you were glad he was there. “Yeah. Yeah, I will be. I love you.”
“Love you too, bub.”
The call ended and you lowered your phone to your lap, taking a deep breath. You hated to ask Peter of this already when you’d only just told him of your current home life, but from the sound of it you really had no other choice.
“Um…” you started quietly, “Do you think I could maybe, um, you know…”
“I’ll pop the popcorn if you make the fort,” Peter said with a smile, pulling you both up. “After all, it is movie night.”
The tightness in your chest immediately loosened. This boy’s ability to make you feel like nothing was wrong or could ever go wrong so long as you were with him never ceased to amaze you. You reached up and planted a grateful kiss on his lips—one that was long overdue.
“Do I get to pick the movie?” you asked, your eyes brightening.
Peter grinned as he slipped his mask back on and prepared to swing you to his apartment. “Always.”
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Coding - Psychology, Stress, Health
Notes taken from:
https://www.freecodecamp.org/news/a-coders-guide-to-managing-stress-46f2bbb49a8e/
https://skillcrush.com/blog/eliminate-your-coding-anxiety/
Good reddit resource:
https://www.reddit.com/r/cscareerquestions/comments/3t8hcy/programming_is_just_too_stressful/
How Stress Works
Programming culture emphasises excellence and ability. This can make it difficult to admit to ourselves or others that we might be having an issue with stress.
Stress In The Mind And Body
Stress is a series of physiological and mental changes that happen when our body and mind percieve a threat or challenge in our environment.
Stress and relaxaion are defined by the level of physiological arousal and muscular tension in the body.
To be relaxed is to have the optimal level of physiological arousal and muscle tension for your current situation.
To be stressed or anxious is to have too much physiological arousal and muscle tension for your current situation.
The stress response - also known as flight or flight - kicks in when we process information that indicates we're under threat or facing a challenge. The physical symptoms of arousal can include:
1) Muslce Tension
2) Increased heart rate and blood pressure
3) Shallow breathing (into the chest rather than the belly)
4) Nausea
5) A sense of mental busyness
6) Narrow attentional focus
7) Emotional reactivity (you lose your mind with everyone)
Evolutionary theory offers a neat way of explaining anything that humans experience in terms of survival.
The stress response can be viewed as a means of keeping us alive by preparing us to meet a challenge.
All of the physical responses associated with stress serve a purpose. For example, we tense up in preparation for explosive movements -- very useful if we're about to escape from a bear that we've encountered on a forest path.
Not always so useful if we're hunched over a desk running some unit tests.
Perception Of Threat
An interesting thing about the stress response it that it doesn't require the existence of a real, physcical threat. Simply remembering a stressful situation can trigger the physical and mental responses.
The threat response can be activated whenever a challenge or threat is perceived. This is why an email or conversation with your boss can be stressful, even though you are not in immediate physical danger.
Good and Bad Stress
A little bit of everything is good, in moderation.
Stress is actually a pretty useful response in a challenging or threatening situation. One of the many reasons that we've thrived as a species is our ability to evade threats and rise to challenges. We need a little bit of stress response in order to get things done. Call this good stress.
The difference between good stress and bad stress is the change to return to equilibrium (a state of rest or balance due to the equal action of opposing forces)
Low-level stress provides fuel for getting things done. Many of us learn to embrace and even enjoy it.
The problem comes when our stress response is activated excessively or continuously, without the chance to return to equilibrium.
Every programmer has been on a death march at some point. Think about how you feel after a few weeks in crunch mode. You're probably tired, maybe getting sick, your concentraing is waning and you just generally don't feel good.
Your focus deteriorates, which is no good for your productivity.
It turns out that continuously flooding your system with stress hormones, diminishing your digestive system and immun response and being consumed by excessive thinking is not only uncomfortable but also prety bad for you in the long term.
Programmers and stress
Sometimes, there are inherent sources of stress caused by the nature of the career itself.
As programmers we need to consider a number of factors when examining our relationship to stress.
We Live In Our Heads
Most of us turned to a career in programming because we like thinking about things and solving problems. We live in our heads a lot of the time and are happy that way.
This means that we can become a bit disconnected from our bodies. Because we're not always paying attention, it's easy to ignore some of the physical symptoms of stress. If we don't notice the problem, we can't go about solving it.
Part of healthy stress management is noticing when we're experiencing excessive stress, so we can take appropriate action.
Cultural Expectations
Extrinsic sources of stress are found in the working culture we operate in. Stress and busyness can be seen as a badge of honour, a sign of a productive employee, or just part of the job.
Because we're all amazing super-human coding machine (we're not) there's often an expectation that we'll keep delivering to a super high standard sprint after sprint, project after project with no time to rest or repair.
Intrinsic sources of sterss come from within ourselves. Programming culture values intellect, which causes is to compare ourselves to others, which leads to imposter syndrome or feeling guilty, both sources of stress in their own right.
Diet and exercise are both definitely part of the equation when it comes to programming and sterss. Consider getting more active or take it easy on the caffeine and sugary snacks for a while.
Stress management strategies. So what's a busy programmer to do? Stress exists, it's going to get excessive sometimes and in the long term it's not good for you if you don't work on your relationship to it.
Thankfully, stress has been thoroughly researched. There are a number of strategies that you can consider when trying to manage stress in your life.
They fall into three categories:
1) Address the source
2) Undo the damage
3) Reduce your baseline
Address the source
Often there are internal sources we can work on too. What are your beliefs about being busy? Do you see it as important? Is it part of your self-worth? Do you push yourself extra hard, even though it probably wouldn't matter if you worked ten percent less? Do you see rest as a sign of weakness?
What If I Don't Like Coding?
Coding was stressing me out. Every time I tried to run some code, and it didn't work, or I chagned one thing and everything broke, I dealt with waves of anxiety.
The blood rushed to my head, my ears bgan to pound and my stomach twisted in to a tight little knot. The angst and it's accompanying physical discomfort -- they were a regular occurence. This was how I felt every time I got stmped when I was first learning to code. And that physical distress I went through made me wonder if I could ever be any good at coding.
Time and time again I was ready to quit. Chalk up the last few months to a filed experiment and ifnally admit my worst fears were true: nobody would ever pay me to code for them.
Add to this stress the fact that the time I had to spend coding was limited: I had a full-time job and a full-time life. I'd get one maybe two hours to dedicate to improve my technical skills per day. So when stupid simple problems ate up half an hour, then half an horu more, it was easy for me to feel liek I'd never get anything done.
I changed the way I think about code in 3 simple ways.
Thought Modification #1: Consider Time To Be Abundant Instead Of Scarce
If you've already started coding you know that sometimes the littles things can seem to suck away all your time. And when it feels like the hourglass is running out, it's hard to focus on the work at hand.
Instead of seeing time as a scarce resource-one that I had little control over - I began to consider its sbundance.
When I thoughts about time as something that I had control over, something I could manipulate instead of be manipulated by, I got more done.
That meant that instead of feeling like I "wasted" and hour tweaking one thing, I felt satisfied that in only an hour I had solved a problem that was giving me trouble.
Thought Modification #2: Focus On Finding Motivations Instead Of Eliminating Obstacles
Instead of fixating on trying to eliminate unhelpful feelings and emotions. Instead I focused on how much I enjoyed learning.
Enjoyment is a huge motivator. It isn't quite a goal -- it can't be measure. But it is something that most of us strive to achieve every day: to enjoy life, and everything in it, including learning to code!
Motivating myself in a positive rather than negative way worked wonders. Instead of thinking about all theways I could stop struggling, I was thinking about all the ways I could enjoy my daily successes.
Thought #3: Gain Control Over Situations By Planning Ahead
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FFXV and Disabilities
All right, heavy post, but I feel like I need to say something about it in the wake of Episode Prompto. I want to give some serious creds to the FFXV writers for their depictions of various mental and physical abilities, so trigger warnings for depression, self-harm, allusions to eating disorders, and physical trauma that results in drastic lifestyle changes (loss of vision, specifically).
Spoilers for both the end of the game and Episode Prompto, so if you’re not past these, come back later.
Tagging.... Uh pretty much everyone in the Discord lmao there’s too many of you
First off, the most obvious one: Ignis and his blindness. It took a lot of guts for the game developers to realistically depict a character who has lost his eyesight (well, as realistically as a fantasy world can). They easily could have made Ignis into some super character who had an amazing ability to fight blind or perhaps even had Noctis heal him with some special Lucian power, but they did not. Of course, he does regain his fighting ability, but for a person who trained their entire life in combat, ten years is a long enough span of time to adjust to a handicap of that nature. The poignant way they show Ignis struggling to follow along or even outright falling or hitting a friend was ballsy and could have gotten a lot of negative flak from the gaming community, but the game devs handled it in such a tactful way that it could be appreciated and accepted.
I’ve heard complaints about the Cartanica mines being ‘slow’ and ‘a pain to deal with’, but that’s where the realism lies--adjusting to a physical handicap takes time, not only for those afflicted but the people closest to them as well. Noctis, Gladio, and Prompto had to learn alongside Ignis--they had to find the fine line between helping Ignis and coddling him--and make their mistakes crossing that line as well. Ignis also had to swallow his pride and while he never verbally acknowledged it, he had to learn to accept help and deal with the fact that his duty to the crown had been compromised. Once the boys were past these hurdles, they were able to adapt to the changes and work accordingly.
Next, I'll talk about Noctis. The Lucian Prince had so much to deal with his whole life and his mannerisms and outlook on life strongly resembles a person who has severe chronic depression. Even as a child growing up, Noctis isolated himself from others. He easily could have reached out in school, as many people gave him attention but he chose to reject most attempts to socialize with the other children. Perhaps this was due to him being highly aware of his position as Prince, but I digress.
In Brotherhood, Noctis lives on his own with Ignis regularly stopping by to check on him. Iggy enters Noct's apartment to find it in shambles, and while it might be normal for students living on their own to get a little disorganized and cluttered (moreso for a prince who was probably used to being cleaned up after), Noctis' mess is on a whole different level--a level that can really only be reached by someone who is too overwhelmed and exhausted with life to even take care of their basic necessities. Ignis takes it upon himself to clean up after the Prince and (judging on how Noctis predictably looks for his comics when he walks in) does so on a regular basis.
Noct is highly aware of his responsibilities is constantly tormented by the knowledge that his father will one day (and in the not-so-distant future at that) die and he will have to take on the very physically taxing duty of protecting the people with his life force. He lives knowing that there will be no long, happy life, no growing to old age or enjoying seeing his children or grandchildren grow up. He's so aware of his own mortality and it takes a toll on his emotional health; Noctis isn't just some lazy millennial who can't clean up after himself--he is an extremely depressed person who struggles to get up in the morning to tackle that hurdle we call life.
What really sticks out to me is the way the other characters handle Noct’s depression. They don’t tell him to ‘be more positive’ or ‘look on the bright side’--they generally accept his attitude and are understanding. They don’t try and change Noctis or deny the fact that he is an incredibly depressed individual but they also don’t baby Noctis or treat him like he’s an invalid. They support Noctis in their own ways--whether it’s Ignis quietly cleaning up in the background, Prompto keeping spirits up but also giving the prince space, or Gladio’s tough love that kicks Noctis into gear when he needs that extra push--and keep him functioning.
Last but definitely not least, Prompto. Prompto is such a deep and emotional character and his episode truly broke down his psyche layer by layer and grasped at the root of all his insecurities. I would say that in the course of his episode he had the most character development of any of the FFXV characters--Noctis included. The way Square Enix represented his depression, anxiety, and his dangerous tendencies towards self harm were painful to watch, not because they were bad but because they were oh-so-real.
A lot of people disliked the fact that they made Prompto overweight as a child. Some complaints I’ve seen relate to body-shaming/fat-shaming, and insensitivity towards those who are uncomfortable with their appearance. While these concerns are valid, I feel that the FFXV developers chose to have an overweight young Prompto in order to physically represent his emotional baggage.
I feel that Prompto is a person with mid-to-high-functioning anxiety and tendencies towards depression. ‘High-functioning’ means that although a person has a specific disorder or disorder they are generally able to live on their own and participate in society as an adult (i.e. keep a stable job, do chores, go out, etc). Since people like this are normally able to live their lives, it becomes difficult to place these emotional disorders, let alone portray them in media. After all, they still go to work and school and don’t “look” like the stereotypical anxious/depressed person.
I believe the game developers chose to make Prompto overweight as a child to physically represent his anxiety. It’s not uncommon for people who have generalized anxiety or similar disorders to experience difficulties with their diets--some people will have trouble eating and will lose weight and some will ‘stress-eat’ and gain weight. Combine that with the fact that Prompto’s ‘parents’ were not actively present and the fact that he felt alienated from the start (as a resident from the opposing country) and it becomes very understandable why his living habits (i.e. eating fast food daily, not interacting with other kids or people) were at lower standards.
Prompto’s change in appearance from his youth to his teen years was a symbolic representation of Prompto attempting to change his lifestyle and improve it for the better. While it’s apparent he still has quite a lot of baggage going into the roadtrip, his main anxiety and depression was controlled (well, technically suppressed) to the point where it was hardly visible and was represented as such--basically, he had gained control of his (emotional and physical) weight. He still has insecurities about losing the only friends he’s ever made, but he feels included when he fights and travels alongside them.
In Episode Prompto, that all goes straight out the window. Noctis--the only person who truly chose him as a companion--attacks him and brings Prompto’s worst nightmare to life. He’s shoved off the train with the belief that Noctis no longer wanted anything to do with him, tapping into the long-repressed fear of losing the people close to him. His childhood self appears in his mind--again, as the physical representation of his emotional distress--and he struggles to cope with both that and the knowledge that not only was he a citizen of Niflheim, but he was an experiment with the sole purpose of bringing his best friend’s country to its knees. The anxiety breaks through his carefully-crafted facade and doubles as he (literally) meets his maker, drowning him in doubt, hate, worthlessness, failure, and self-loathing.
Prompto’s emotions come to a head when he reaches the campsite and the player is given the choice: burn his wrist or give up. The wording is so specific here: it’s not ‘burn his wrist’ and ‘put the fucking flaming stick down’, or ‘don’t do it’.
It’s ‘give up’.
Whether Prompto self-harms is up to the player, but the emotion behind the whole gesture is the same regardless of choice: Prompto no longer has the will to continue. It had taken Aranea literally dragging him to his feet to even get him out of the research facility, and at that point he was only moving out of obligation to the woman--if left to his own devices he probably would not have made it out of the compound alive. Prompto had no intention of reuniting with his friend--he had resigned himself completely and was ready to ‘give up’ on life.
Seeing that represented in such a visceral way was so difficult for me, but it was also so important. It showed that these types of experiences are real, that people with emotional disorders can be driven to actions that result in bodily harm. And what really hit home and stuck with me was Aranea’s reaction to Prompto burning his wrist. She didn’t tell him it was wrong, she didn’t yell or cry or think he was crazy.
Aranea said “did you really think that was going to work?” She told him (albeit indirectly) that there were other ways to go about dealing with his emotions. She acknowledged that he had made that decision and didn’t put him down for ‘being overdramatic’, but rather she stayed and patched him up. She helped heal him and once he had recovered she expressed her opinions on his despondent perspective (even if it did get a little aggressive).
I feel that the FFXV developers depicted these physical and emotional handicaps in a tactful and beautiful way. While some people think Gladio and Aranea were too tough on Noctis and Prompto (respectively), as a person who has dealt with depression and physical disabilities from a young age, I can safely say sometimes I needed a kick in the pants to get me going. The developers depicted not only various disabilities but also the ways in which different people responded to those with the disabilities. Seeing those kinds of support and the validation was really important to me and was not something I had ever seen in a major video game franchise.
All in all, I have to give my applause to the writers of FFXV for their handling of such sensitive topics. I believe it was done very tactfully but was also very realistically--and realism was one of the biggest selling points of the game--and was happy to see that representation in something so widespread.
Please feel free to leave comments or perhaps counterpoints--after all these are my personal interpretations and views based on my experiences, and I’d like to see if there are other perspectives I hadn’t considered.
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Im gonna ramble on for a bit, so gonna put this under a Read More.
TL/DR: I find it real hard to find any time to draw recently, and Id like to apologize to all the people who support me, either through social media, Patreon or commissions, for not putting out enough content. Ill try to change that, and put out more furry stuff on your timelines and dashes.
I have not been putting out as enough content as I would like to. That wouldnt usually matter to most people, “oh ill just draw when i get the chance”, “well at least its just a hobby so it doesnt matter if i dont do it” and all that.
However, now I feel a certain sense of responsibility. Earlier this year I launched my Patreon so that if people wanted to support me with any ammount they wanted each month, they could, while I could repay their kindness with temporarily exclusive art. I also made it so that it would keep me motivated to keep drawing more, specially by making polls for patreon supporters for getting feedback on who or what should I draw next.
Thats why I didnt put any specific reward tier for it other than “$1 a month for all exclusive content”, so that if anyone wanted to pitch in they could. I considered making more tiers further down the line once I got used to working on it or enough people seemed interested. However things started going downwards from there.
I launched my Patreon on January, a few weeks before the end of winter break. I fooled myself thinking Id have enough time to put out rewards on a decent schedule because the very first picture I did, I did in one night. I was probably just motivated cause I had been drawing a lot around that time, but I did it quickly, and in my opinion it was very good, so its not like I was sacrificing quality over doing it quickly. So I thought “hell yeah I can do this” and launched the Patreon.
However I eventually had to go back to school. Im a college student, and Im getting close to finishing my way through college (currently on my 8th out of 9 semesters), which means I keep getting busier and busier doing school work, attending classes, working on projects, and everything in between. Add all that to the housework I gotta do in the room I rent, plus all the traveling I have to do when visiting my parents, and that leaves me with almost no time for art.
Now you may think “ok but you gotta have SOME free time. Yes, but after all the stress and all the stuff I have to deal with its really hard to just come home and be like “now I feel like I could draw for several hours!”. Most of the time I just nap because Im so physically or emotionally exhausted, or just take some time to play videogames to de-stress. Heck, even during spring break I was like “hell yeah Im gonna have a full week to get caught up on my art” and my computer started having issues that i spent more than half of the week fixing.
So I feel like Im letting my Patreons down. Having long periods without time to draw was always a possibility I considered, but since its pretty much “donate what you want” I didnt worry too much about it, cause its not like Im asking for $10 out of everyone and not delivering on anything. However since the Patreon had enough success I was really happy with all the support, Id just check Patreon all the time and be amazed and happy at how much people wanted to support me for drawing dumb hunky animals.
That all changed though. Because Im not putting out art, people have been removing their pledges. Which is like, SUPER undestandable. Youre not gonna pay me for not doing anything. But like, its been so many, it really kicks off my anxiety. Now I cant check Patreon unless I have to, because doing so makes me legitimately super anxious.
The thing is its not only Patreon. Ive been taking sketchmmissions, which means Ive had some long overdue things to draw for people, and I feel a bit of a “need” to put out Shark Dude and other free content as well. Heck, most of the time I just look at other peoples art and I feel really disappointed that I havent had time to draw and it makes me pretty sad.
Even when I do have free time for art, its a bit of a struggle: I have to choose what to prioritize, do I draw something for the Patreon cause I had no rewards this month? Or do I draw something for the commissioner who is paying more for just the one picture? Or do I draw something quick and free, that most people will enjoy, but also Im not working on the things that people actually give me money for?
So, this is an official apology to everyone.
To my Patreons, Im so sorry if Ive made you feel like youre wasting your money. I gotta find some way to fix up a schedule, or change the way of how I deal with the rewards. Maybe post more sketches instead of just finished pictures? Do the Image Pack thing? I dunno, Ill figure something out.
To my Commissioners, Ill get to your commissions as soon as I can, and Ill try to deliver something worth your wait. For anyone who wants to commission me in the future though, I might cut down on opening commissions until I can have more free time. Like, only open them until summer break and that kind of stuff. I originally wanted to do at LEAST 5 sketchmmissions a month this year, but boy that aint happening huh.
To everyone else, who may support me with retweets, reblogs, sharing, likes, comments, replies, and everything in between, Ill try to get more content done in general. Commissions is a thing you guys can enjoy when Im done with that, but patreon exclusives are different. I wanted to share Patreon stuff as soon as like 2 months after but since Im not making enough rewards I wanna keep them exclusive for a bit longer to justify the lack of exclusives. Ill try to make more Shark Dude stuff as well too.
But above all of that, to every one of you: Thank you, for putting up with me, and enjoying my art.
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Introductions
For all those times where you get frustrated and want to grab my shoulders and give me a gook shake and say, “why, damnit?!”
For all those times where you wait for me to come to you but find yourself reaching out for me instead. For all those times where you find yourself silently - or not so silently- wishing I would finally say something.
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry for all the times where I leave you feeling insecure, frustrated or in second place, for making you feel like your feelings don’t matter, that mine always come first, that my issues always come into the foreground.
I’m sorry that my anxiety sometimes appears to be this whole other person present in our relationship, changing things and screwing things up, making things harder than they need to be. I wish I could kick them out but I’m afraid they’re here to stay (for a little bit longer anyway) so maybe you two should get to know each other a little better.
Anxiety, meet girlfriend. Girlfriend, meet anxiety.
So. This is awkward. Like a really bad first date with someone you don’t really like but you’re doing it because you don’t want to be rude. Yeah, the anxiety likes the girlfriend but I don’t think the girlfriend likes the anxiety very much. I don’t blame you. Even the host doesn’t like the anxiety. Best get this over with.
Once upon a time…. ah, fuck that. It’s 2017 and basically I’m a constantly tripping anxious mess who has been given the questionable responsibility over her own life. Welcome. Grab a chair and have a seat. I think you’re going to be here a while.
So, talking. You know, the thing you do with your mouth or by writing words down. Which is technically just writing but that’s not the subject here so…. talking. Let’s explore why talking and anxiety aren’t exactly best friends.
I go back and forth between opening up and locking down. The latter means I don’t bother anyone but it also means I ignore myself. I spend more time thinking about what speaking up would do to others than what staying silent does to me. I worry more about upsetting, hurting, disappointing or offending others that I leave myself silent, knowing full well that somehow somewhere, it’s going to come back at me eventually. You see the problem? Because I do. I don’t handle disappointment well. Easier to be disappointed in myself than have someone else disappointed in me.
Anxiety is a constant onslaught, not just on my mind but on my body too. It stops me eating or makes me binge (the weight loss is nice but really, I could do with a healthier way). It makes my heart race at a speed that would make an F1 driver jealous. It makes my palms sweat and my muscles tighten and I usually end up stressing even more because the physical symptoms are just so super uncomfortable. It is not just endless thoughts and overwhelming feelings of panic but also the twitching and the fidgeting, the adrenaline rushing through my veins before eventually crashing and leaving me empty and exhausted and wanting to sleep for a week, only to then sleep for maybe four hours…
So, anxiety is an asshole who really tries to ruin my life sometimes. Going somewhere? Stress about it. Doing something? Get myself into a frenzy with crazy thoughts.
I need time. For everything. Working myself up to make a phone call can take hours or even days. I won’t take part in conversation because I don’t want to be making mistakes, or, I go the other way and I talk too much and too loud whilst fully aware I am making myself look like an idiot, which is something I will then think about for at least 48 hours after the event.
I am already looking for an exit before I’ve even entered a room. I think and worry about leaving before I even go somewhere. When can I leave? How can I leave? Who’s going to be there? How long am I supposed to stay? Can I go somewhere to be alone? These thoughts are present even when I go somewhere I know with people I know. They’re off the Richter scale when it involves a place I’ve never been and people I’ve never met. And I may seem so calm on the outside…. which is probably a good thing because no one really wants to see the mess that’s happening on the inside. That alone would guarantee no one wants to hang out with me.
Ever get one of these texts or have someone randomly suggest this? “Want to grab a drink?”
It sounds so innocent and simple. For most people maybe. Not for me. These things need planning. I need time, a warning, a chance to work the whole thing through inside my head before deciding if I am actually in a place in my head where I can be social. Having things like this sprung on me… I will try to avoid it where I can (impromptu visits are my worst nightmare sometimes) and only ever say yes when it’s people I know really well. And the earlier questions still stand. Who, where, what and when. And on the occasions I do accept, I come home tired because I’ve been forced into a situation I didn’t prepare for and will have spent almost the entire time being attacked by the frenzied thoughts inside my head.
It is almost impossible to explain to someone outside my head how debilitating this can be. It seems incomprehensible and frankly, it is. Even to me and it’s in my head, for god sake. And none of it is rational. The ridiculous part is knowing that and still not being able to change stuff.
I may seem fine. I could be having one of the worst anxiety attacks ever and unless you look or listen closely, you wouldn't know. That's not just something I do. I know a lot of anxiety sufferers can do this. High functioning anxiety is a thing. It's a shit thing but it's a thing. I can go to parties and gatherings and go on last minute social events. I'll even face a crowd. But inside I'm fighting an almighty demon so while I may seem like all is well, I most likely am not. And when you think I'm not coping, you're probably right.
“Sorry” is my go to word because I am always worried and scared I will have done or do something wrong. I will take responsibility and blame when it’s not mine. I will just apologise for my emotions, my thoughts, my clinginess, my neediness, my distance, my desire to push you away but then worry I have gone too far and lost you. It's a lovely little combination, isn't it? So much fun... .
So, here we are. Anxiety… you’ve had the honour of meeting my girlfriend and she has had the misfortune of meeting you. Just be nice to her, alright? She’s trying - more so than anyone else ever has- to be supportive and she’s allowed to get it wrong.
She loves me. And even you can’t change shit about that.
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OK SO HERE’S THAT POST I SAID I WOULD DO
here’s a (spoiler free) plot summary for the characters i just posted headshots of here
(you can send me all the asks you want about this. i will like. share spoilers but prefer to keep publicly posted ones to a minimum (which means pms and non anon asks are totally cool) just because most stages of life for these characters will eventually get explored in story if i ever end up making it into a webcomic. this summer. like i have been planning.)
Theo was a D-list child star because of his psychic ability, but broke away from it as a teenager due to some not so great realizations. He met Sophie who introduced him to the big wide world of weird and all the partying that came with it being filled with teenage witches, psychics, and creatures. He meets Carmine, who’s seen as a prophet by some and an egotistical asshole by others. Remembering Theo from daytime tv he saw as a kid, Carmine goes at him with a knife, thinking he’s a fake. After things are cleared up, and first impressions gotten past, the two fall hard and fast for each other.
This is not a healthy relationship, and it lasts almost three years. It ends all communication between Theo and Sophie, and Carmine’s following grows and grows. Things go very badly, and ends with Theo showing up on Sophie’s doorstep much worse for wear, because where else would he go? They make up, Theo sleeps on her couch for a few months while trying to get his life together and while waiting for that to happen he comes into just enough money to buy a little derelict tea shop and the living space above it at a foreclosure auction that Sophie drags him to because she’s sick of him moping on the couch all day.
He decides to try for some stability, some normal, and he gets it and is also bored out of his mind and completely fucking miserable. He’s been living there for a little over a year with minimal business and keeping the water warm and lights on with magic when Carmine shows up. But this is not Carmine, they’re his twin, Odis, and Carmine is at the moment, presumed dead. Odis is trying to fulfill their brother’s will because they’re the only living family left and it would be too expensive to get legal help with it. Theo’s been left all of Carmine’s possessions, but Odis also needs help finding the other people in the will because they haven’t had contact with their brother since they were teenagers (they’re now around 24). Theo agrees, closure and something to do all wrapped up in a neat package. Odis stays the night, and as happens, the two of them have a sloppy drunken hookup that neither of them ever want to talk about ever again over the course of the next however long they’ll need to spend together in Odis’ car while they try to find everyone else in the will.
Sidenote: Sophie is probably going to get her own sidestory spinoff because I love her a lot and her story is also Really Cool. She has a werewolf girlfriend and a life of adventure before ever meeting theo and continues to do shit after theo goes with Odis.
World building junk, fun facts about characters under the cut (just copied and edited from messages i’ve sent tbh)
NO STRAIGHT CHARACTERS. None. And like….. two cis characters.
Theo is trans and super gay, metis, has genetic depression and some cluster b personality disorder slurry
Odis/Odie is genderfluid (he/him, they/them, but I usually stick to they when writing in scenes where there are characters who use he to avoid confusion), white, and has cptsd, bpd, and anxiety.
Carmine is one of the two cis characters, he’s extremely gay, white, and has cptsd and probably some other stuff going on, i’m still figuring him out tbh
Sophie is a nb girl (she/her, okay with they/them until she lets you know which pronouns she uses, and she’ll let you know), she’s chinese on her mom’s side but never knew her dad, and she has a dissociative disorder (4 other alters atm, sophie as a child around 6, sofie (with an f, basically sophie without triggers), ‘her’ (survival oriented and has very little emotional range or response, trauma holder and protector), and an as of yet unnamed inroject of either her adoptive stepdad or family doctor who treated her well and act as kind of a father figure for the system) and cptsd.
what’s a character without childhood trauma? I don’t know!
Ok. worldbuilding. (this is where copying from so basically there are like. two dimensions. the physical and the spiritual which is basically. just the fancy word for life energy. which every living thing has and leaves everywhere. this is all separated by a very thin but very strong veil, and when people are born they either separate cleanly from that veil or. they don’t. how this manifests in their lives can vary from person to person. some can see ghosts (residual life energy (repetitions and circuited ghosts), or someone’s life energy after they’ve passed over (manifestations etc) or both or something other) sometimes you get people who can feel the ebbs and flows in how energy is moving through the veil and they can tell when someone will be born or die. but it doesn’t always manifest that way? like one of the characters has death premonitions when close to someone about to die, but just start to feel extremely anxious and irritable and then get an adrenaline high when the person finally kicks it. theo and carmine are both kids who have powers like this. carmine has prophetic visions of energy moving behind the veil, because sometimes energy needs to move behind the scenes before it can act on the physical plane. and theo can see residual life energy and life energy as it moves. this is like. clairvoyance sort of. like if you write on a piece of paper he can tell what it is when it faces away because your living hand moved the pen. he can get a sense of your emotional state, but not hear the exact thoughts you’re thinking, stuff like that.
And as far as like. Knowing if you’ve got powers, sometimes it’s super obvious and other times it’s not at all and they can start presenting at any point in life. there’s also a huge culture of skepticism so everyone kind of knows about it, but unless you’re directly involved in it your attitude is just kind of like ‘eh nah there’s like. Nooooo way that could be actually real like it’s fun to pretend which is why my friend goes through the motions of witch stuff but they’re not like. A real witch. Because magic isn’t real’ but as soon as you do get involved there’s a whole community that opens up to you pretty much right away, and it’s pretty easy to learn to read between the lines and find it in media like books or which musicians are psychic when you know where to look. And it’s not taboo to talk about it openly among other people who have magic but like. You usually end up having all friends who use magic or are creatures or psychics because those end up just being the circles you run in.
Beliefs about how and why it happens are as varied as people who are in the know and of course there’s infighting and prejudices and societal axes of oppression play into all of this. So like. The veil stuff from the first paragraph are how stuff actually work for the specific characters i’m attaching it to, it isn’t meant to be an all encompassing thing for the entire world and whether or not any specific deities are real or if x religion is ‘really just the veil’ isn’t something i’m going to address because that’s just. Disrespectful. Religion is going to be touched on, but just. Not in that way. Religion (christianity specifically) and religion based abuse are a huge part of carmine and odis’ backstory but to avoid spoilers that’s all i’m going to say about it for now.
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On Panic Attacks and How to Help
I was browsing reddit and I came across what looks to be a couple of helpful comments about panic attacks (there will be a link to the comment thread after the quotes for those interested).
First, why panic attacks are such a big deal:
“A panic attack is a strange thing, your brain kind of ends up in a weird cycle.
It initially decides that some input is super dangerous and life threatening. This initial thing could be a physical sensation like a pain in your chest/elevated heart rate, or sensory- maybe you saw a quick flash of light that your brain decides is a physical attack, or stress related- you're worried about someone not liking you which elevates your stress hormones enough that it causes a danger response. It can be anything really. The tricky part about this is that it's your "lizard" or basal brain that is monitoring your safety, so there's no conscious control involved in setting off the chain reaction, and you are often never aware of what the triggering event is.
Once your brain senses imminent, life threatening danger, it jumps into superhero mode. It releases stress hormones, speeds up the heart rate and breathing rate, you can get a flood of adrenaline, senses become heightened, etc. These things are all awesome if you were, say, being chased by a bear, but when you're hanging out alone in your bedroom they end up really messing with your brain, which is what contributes to the physical sensations of a panic attack. You feel your heart racing, like you can't breathe (your body is trying to pull in more oxygen), you get shaky, you get tunnel vision, you become acutely aware of every part of your body and every tiny twinge in it.
The rational part of your brain does try to kick in at some point, but it doesn't really help the situation. One part of your brain has flashing lights and sirens and is in full blown panic mode. The "smart" part of your brain starts to try to figure out what's going on by doing a quick scan. It doesn't see a bear, there's no knife wielding madman, you're not falling out of an air plane. But wait! Your heart is racing! You can't breathe! You can't see right! You're getting dizzy! You're body is shaking! There's a pain in your side! Your brain takes all this in, the terrible symptoms, the warning lights - which it is hard wired to trust and respond to- and the lack of a visible threat, and concludes that there is some terrible physical event happening and that you are truly dying.
Of course, the irony is that that reinforces the stress responses and continues the cycle until you are able to disrupt it. Truly the whole point of a panic attack is that your brain has decided that you are, in some fashion, dying. It can be a really terrible feeling.” - (reddit user) cow_girl_up
How to help, as explained by (reddit user) acgk on how they help their girlfriend:
First things first: attitude. You cannot help her until she begins to help herself. You are guiding her, not fixing her. Don't even think about fixing or problems. There's nothing wrong. Your demeanor should be "this is happening and I am being supportive," not "there is a problem and I am fixing it."
Ask her to look at you as best she can. Eye contact is best, but it might be too hard. If she can't, let her know that it's okay and pick something easier, like an inanimate object comparable in size to a human (e.g., not something tiny like a pen or huge like the night sky or ocean). It should be unique, though. And it definitely shouldn't be fragile or broken. Look at it with her, but pay her the occasional glance to monitor her condition. If she just needs to keep her eyes shut, let her and reassure her that's okay, too.
Ask her to describe what she's feeling. Ideally, only let her move up the order of preference before: if she was looking at a lamp and now she's looking at you, that's a good sign. If she was looking at a lamp and now she's got her eyes shut or she's looking at her feet, that's bad. Don't comment on it, but make a mental note.
Now you can help. Make her understand that she is safe. Food, warmth, soft things, and hugs are all good things here, usually, but not for everyone. If she gets claustrophobic when she has an anxiety attack, it may be better to go outside with her. Read the situation. If she's still got a full on anxiety attack, maybe take some vital signs so you can prove to her that she is physically alive and well, but honestly if nothing has helped yet then we're leaving the realm of my expertise.
If she's anxious about losing you, hugs first. If she's anxious about trusting you, a blanket and some hot cocoa first. If she's anxious about something that doesn't involve you, it matters less. This can be hard to judge because at this point you still haven't asked her what's wrong. We're getting to that.
In any case, don't just leave and go get things for her. Communication is key. Don't ask her if she wants something; she'll probably say no. Let her know you're planning to go get it for her and give her enough time to stop you if she doesn't want it or would rather you stayed by her.
Edit to clarify previous paragraph. Think of it this way: if you ask if she wants something, the status quo is you not doing something but if she accepts the offer, she's given you a little extra burden. You don't mind or even think about it that way because you love her, but she can worry about that kind of thing when she has anxiety. If you just tell her what your plan is, the status quo is that you've already decided to do the thing, so she's less likely to stop you just because she feels like she doesn't deserve it.
Now, once she's begun to relax or volunteer the information, you can ask about what the initial problem was.
Behind the Scenes
Step one was something called "grounding". She's in hell inside her head, and you've got to get her to focus on something real and concrete. Show her the way out of her head to a place where she can talk.
Next, you made her take an objective look at the real problem. When you're having an anxiety attack, the real problem is the anxiety attack. Your panic response is in a feedback loop: you're panicking because you're panicking. The thing that initially caused you to panic, if it was ever real, is no longer part of the equation. She needs to go from "I'm dying" to "I feel short of breath because I'm scared about ____." That's why we avoided asking her what was wrong. She's wasn't sure at that point, and if you asked her then she might've started panicking even more.
Now that no new fuel is being added to the fire, you put it out and/or stay with her until it burns itself out.
Edit to add: If all else fails, there is one more thing you can try. Just talk to her. Let her know she's not necessarily expected to participate; just talk. Avoid topics that would make her more anxious, obviously, but really just having another person there can be really helpful.
Edit: It really made my day that this has helped so many people. I had no idea it would blow up like this. Thank you all for the comments and gold.
My experience: Literally everyone I've ever been close to except for one person deals with anxiety in some level. At the worst end, my sister had a suicide scare more than once and at the best end, my closest friend's anxiety is basically under control and I've never been with her during an attack. Also I deal with my own anxiety. I'm in academia, so I have some experience reading academic journals as a way of learning new information, but that's the only advantage I've got: I'm not in psychology and what I say should not be considered medical advice. If it's truly serious, talk to them about seeing a professional.
Grounding techniques: I went over two of them. These are the two that, to me, are the easiest to walk a person through conversationally. There are lots of grounding techniques, but many of them would be rather obviously clinical to try and walk someone through, and I can't tell you how well that would be received. If you have the chance to talk seriously about anxiety with your partner, it can be good to go over some grounding techniques with them and encourage them to find what works for them. There are a couple mentioned elsewhere in this thread, and they're all over the internet with varying levels of academic rigor behind them.
Notes about OP: I cannot emphasize enough how non-judgemental you have to be. It can be really hard for someone to make eye contact if they have anxiety. They might be genuinely not strong enough and if you try to make them, they might panic more. You'll have to learn a little from experience, but it might be better to switch steps one and two sometimes, or omit eye contact entirely. Maybe start a little bit of a conversation about the object they focus on instead of jumping straight into talking about their feelings. Get them to take in details of the world around them.
Hope this information helps people, here’s the link to the comment as promised: https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/5nmmcq/if_someone_were_to_take_over_your_body_in_this/dcd03qy/
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