mezelean king joel but when hes younger and not yet king and he spends his days exploring in the woods and painting and drawing all the beautiful nature
one day he sees a wolf off in the distance as hes walking and he watches it - it didnt see him
he sees this same wolf a few more times and each time he studies it more, trying to remember every detail so he can be able to draw it
hes out in the forest in a small clearing, one of the sunnier places in the whole woods, drawing this wolf over and over, frustrated with how he can never quite get it right, he thinks its the eyes, every time he draws the eyes, they look wrong
hes so focused on the drawings that he doesnt notice that same wolf coming up behind him until he feels the warm breath on his neck
he drops the sketchbook and scrambles away but the wolf doesnt follow him, it just looks at the current drawing - unfinished - and sits
joel stares for a few moments at this weird behaviour from the wolf before retriving the sketchbook and drawing the wolf again, it ends up perfect this time - joel did always draw better with the subject in front of him - and the wolf plods over to see the final thing
from then on joel spends a lot more time in the forest, bringing food along with him, and some snacks to maybe give to the wolf
the wolf isnt there every day but joel doesnt mind, he feels safe in the forest now, he doesnt think anyone will hurt him
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its months later when he encounters a man in the woods, he is tall and broad and for some reason, wearing sunglasses
joel gives the man a friendly smile before continuing on his way
joel ends up seeing the man quite often in the forest and he always offers a smile or a friendly wave, one day he decides to actually speak to the man
from then on joel has a new friend, ren he says his name is, he feels familiar to joel but he cant quite place him
joel notices the wolf is never there when he is spending the day with ren, sharing food and talking for hours, ren always steers clear of certain topics though - where he came from, where he lives, his family - joel doesnt push it though
the wolf is still as friendly as ever although it seems more tired and injured than it always used to be
months after getting to know ren, joel stumbles -literally- across him, his sunglasses are broken on the floor next to him and his shirt is in tatters and he is covered in wounds, his breathing is shallow and joel wishes the wolf was here to help
he carries him back to mezelea, thankfully he wasnt too far into the woods but its still hard going
its a little over a day before ren wakes and the healers inform him immediately, he rushes over to see him and winces at the sight of the bandages around him
joel reaches for rens hand as he sits beside him, telling him how worried he was and ren, turns his head to face him, opening his eyes slowly
joel freezes in the middle of his sentance at the sight, those eyes, he knew those eyes, he had spent countless hours agonising over how to draw those eyes
ren who was up until this point still only half awake realises what he just did and curses and frantically tries to explain himself
joel stands to leave and ren reaches out, hissing in pain at the movement and joel cant help but turn back to fret over him
joel tells him to leave it for now, that theyd talk about it when he was better
joel visits ren every day until he is better but its awkward and they mostly sit in silence before joel finds a reason to excuse himself
in the end ren comes to joels room as soon as he is allowed to leave, joel lets him in and ren sits on the bed, awkwardly looking anywhere but in joels eyes
joel walks over and sits down next to him, gently nudging him with his shoulder as he did so
and then ren just spills it all, how he had always spent most of his time as a wolf because it seemed easier than losing people again but then he saw joel and he drew him and treated him like a real friend so he wanted to try again, to be with people again but he didnt think itd get this far, he didnt think hed end up falling in love with him and then he didnt know what to do, because he saw how sad he was when the wolf wasnt around but he didnt really want to be the wolf as much anymore
joel stays silent until the end of the explamation but then- you fell in love with me? and ren who didnt realise he had said that gets all muddled up and doesnt know what to say but joel just kisses him anyway
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thinking about trans Dean and how that plays into The Trauma,,, like the only way I can imagine John accepting transsexualism is if Dean started living full time as a boy really young, after Mary just happily went along with Dean's preferences, and John allowed it on the basis he'd rather have a boy anyway but ONLY if no one ever found out. Rationalised it in his head as maybe like, Dean essentially being intersex or something going wrong with the pregnancy, so he can see Dean as his son who was born male but defective. So Dean is like, stealth whether he likes it or not, and John is even more vigilant about making sure he acts like a 'real man' than he would have been if Dean were cis. Polices his gender expression and interests far more than he does Sam's for instance.
(And obviously this also impacts the internalised homophobia! If he'd found Sam with a man, John would have called him a girl. If he'd found Dean with one, he would have meant it.)
Sam obviously knows, but can probably remember a time when he was really little and didn't realise, before he just kind of absorbed the secret in the way kids do. But he definitely doesn't know/understand the intricacies of John's abuse of Dean (much like neither of them understand the dynamic he had with the other in canon, even if Sam's more aware that his own situation was abusive). Like I imagine at some point Sam is there while Dean is coming out and explaining this all to say, Jo or Cas or someone, during a late night heart to heart, and Sam is sitting there horrified as he learns a lot of stuff for the very first time.
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