in the state of Bored where i feel all the atoms in my body vibrating and i can feel my skin on my skull
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I've never understood the excitement around marriage. I've never understood the 'rush' around the idea of a relationship. I've never understood the heartbreak or annoyance people feel when they're alone for valentine's day, or when their partner doesn't give them a gift for it. I've never understood why someone would like kissing with their tongues or on the lips. I've never understood why naked bodies are sexual. I've never understood why I should feel my world shatter when someone rejects me. I've never understood why I should be expected to 'just give the relationship a try' when someone confesses to me. I've never understood why friends will demean someone by implying they just 'aren't good enough' because their friend got rejected by that person, no matter how gentle or respectful the rejection was.
I've never understood why sex and romance need to be brought up and hyper focused on in every conversation imaginable.
I'll probably never understand.
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realizing pomni feels infantilized and joked at by the game since it made her room too big and filled it with toddler toys and the fact her avatar is a jester is not the level of relatability I was expecting from this character
shes 25, she probably has a job and some mental issues to deal with irl, considering how anxious she is, at the same time we can tell she doesnt enjoy being pushed around and not being taken seriously by anyone (except maybe ragatha)
that dichotomy of "im not a baby, please take me seriously" and "Im a failure, someone please help me, im overwhelmed" is like... literally me
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I’ve been out as a lesbian for ages, like since I was 11 kind of ages. But lately I’ve been starting to feel really lonely concerning my sexuality. I’ve always felt pretty isolated due to the fact I am a lesbian but for some reason things have started feeling worse as of lately. Which is weird, because I have more lesbian friends than before (even if it is only four compared to swathes of other people), I follow people on here who post really relatable stuff that speaks to me about shit I thought maybe I was only thinking. I feel more connected with my lesbianism than ever before because it’s always been a constant in who I am and the community I am apart of?
Maybe it’s the fact that over the last year or two I’ve only really been able to actually like… Realise that people just don’t like lesbians. Like, realise realise. Like seeing the shit that people just say on the internet and how barely anybody bats a fucking eyelid at it. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been exposed to homophobia and more specifically lesbiphobia for as long as I’ve been out, the majority of which has been in person and in some caused caused me real, physical harm. Like that shit has destroyed me as a person. Fuck, growing up in Christian schools and being out was not kind to me. It’s made me angry. But just watching people just say shit, a lot of these people being from the lgbtq+ community itself, comfortably saying the most abhorrent and disgusting shit about specifically lesbians has drained me in a way which I can’t put into words.
Like we lesbians really only have ourselves to rely on, huh? Maybe that’s not exactly the truth in the grand scheme of things but it really does feel that way for me.
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Sometimes I feel bad about not being motivated to write, but then I remember I had three exams this week, spent four hours doing job training modules on proper lab animal handling, and am two weeks out from finals. If I've learned anything from those 29 goddamn modules, it's that animals under stress try to conserve energy, and writing takes a lot of energy. My stupid brain doesn't want to do words because it's making space to watch for imaginary wolves
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The audacity of existence.
How dare you be concieved. To be blessed with the touch of angels, you golden haired goddess. How dare you force your reflection upon mine. The audacity to mirror me.
YOU.
I hate you. You are my purgatory, and hell resides within your dastardly light. You are the anthesis to my existance, my purpose, my life. Tormet me by image alone.
Do you know how much you have pained me? How much the mere sight of you, has distorted me? Ruined me? Hurt me? Questions your existance has plauged in my mind?
Look at you, my loathsome copy. You are nothing like me.
So then why?
Why does the universe kiss you gently upon a flushed cheek then heckle and spit on mine? Why are you the beloved golden duckling whilst i remain the unwanted black swan?
Why is it me who must rid myself of my body, blood, and mind. Discarding me of myself to end you? I have done nothing short of effort. I have given myself all to destroying you, to riding the world of you. Yet they love you. They do not love me.
We resemble eachother more than anyone else ever will. It is cruel a fate, to be devoted entirely to destroying a twisted reflection of myself. Burdened by both our images, drowning me in hatred made for both us. Yet you remain free, whilsy i remain prisioner.
It feels, as i seek to destroy you, i destroy myself. So i do. Over and over again. Yet you remain unscathed, bright and beautiful. Whilst i remain broken, left to rot in the mud. Helpless. Afraid. Alone.
Thinking.
What must i do? Who must i be to be kissed by the same light that dared to birth you?
Must i purge myself of all things to simply taste a fraction of it? How will i outshine you? Must I transform my body till there is nothing of me left, just to feel your light crushed beneath mine? Must i erase myself completly? Must i become you? Must i be you? Must i place my hands against your neck? My lifeless material crushing your ugly flesh to finally hear the last of your breath. Must i feel everyones glare peirce through my unending spine, wishing nothing but breaking every metal bone instead of me?
Must i take their love and desire and rip it from their broken hearts, forcing them to kneel before me and drag your dead light upon me? Must i become king of all things, living, dead and unalive, before i get a fraction, a mere TASTE of your life?
Is that what the world desires of me?
Is THAT what it takes?
my loathsome copy. Your existance is what destroys me. You are everything without me but i am nothing without you. Yet i am made to end you. To destroy the only thing, the only purpose i have in life.
You all look down upon me. Even my creator, cant seem to look at me without seeing you. Forever i am compared to you. Forever i think of only you. Forever i am destroyed by you. Forever i am devoted to destroying you. Forever i am afriad. Forever i am chained, cursed to this wretched body, reflecting you.
YOU.
I hate you. I loathe you.
....
What a cruel existance to be born, you and I.
I hope when i choke you death, you'll burn me alive.
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I have this overwhelming fear that all of my mutals secretly don’t like me and find me annoying.
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