Robin Buckley headcanons as lyrics
When I was a young girl
My father took me into the city
To see a marching band
He said, "Robin, when you grow up
Would you be the savior of the broken
The beaten and the damned?"
He said, "Will you defeat them?
Your demons, and all the non-believers
The plans that they have made?"
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A Deal With God
Not even a full drabble, just word vomit, but...I know Running Up That Hill is Max's song and we all know what it ties to, but I'm just thinking...post-S4 Steve hearing the song and almost throwing up because he feels it. He doesn't just hear the lyrics, he actually listens to them.
Steve has never been big on meaningful lyrics, he likes music, sure, but it's not like he listens to life-changing songs and ponders the meaning of each metaphor during his sleepless nights. He thinks music is a nice addition to life, it sets the mood, but he doesn't feel the depth because he can't concentrate hard enough. He can sing a few songs, usually ones about love, having a good time, so he never thinks he's missing something. Until that moment.
The song starts playing when he sits next to Max's bed, giving Lucas a brief break from waiting when (not if, he reminds himself, never if, only when) she wakes up. He watches her shallow breathing, in, out, as if she's just sleeping, the purple around her eyes slowly dissipating, when he hears the first notes. He needs so, so badly to shut the radio off, to avoid the memory, but he promised Lucas he'd be here and this is Max's lifeline, the song that already saved her once and would have done so again if people like Jason Carver (people like I used to be, the voice in his head added) didn't steal it away. So he just sits there and thinks it's just a few minutes, he can push through it, he can focus on something else, anything else...
And then he hears the lyrics, really hears them. And they make him feel sick. It's certain sections that freeze his insides with realization that someone created a song for this exact moment, for the pain he feels.
You don't want to hurt me
But see how deep the bullet lies
He should be thinking about Max, but it's Eddie that comes to his mind. Eddie and his assurance that he's no hero, he's not going to risk it all, Eddie who decided last minute that the world without him would somehow hurt less. As if it was his job to take their pain away.
Tell me, we both matter, don't we?
Steve originally felt that it was just him, with the fear of being replaced, of this much cooler man stealing Dustin's attention away, but then he actually talked to Eddie and he thought, really thought that they understood each other. They both gave the kids something different, they were both needed, they could not be replaced because they worked the best together. So why? Why is he here alone, left to fill in a hole in their hearts that he could never hope to replace?
And if I only could
I'd make a deal with God
And I'd get him to swap our places
He thinks of Dustin's smaller frame, curled over Eddie's body, the heart wrenching sobs over the ghost of Eddie's final smile. About how much joy Eddie brought into Dustin's life, into the life of all his kids, while he was busy trying to date that inner emptiness away. And he gets it now, starts mouthing the lyrics over the song, the chorus, because if there was any possibility of a deal, any option to bring Eddie back to his found family...he'd do it. He thinks maybe the hole left behind him would be smaller, less special. Reaching God wasn't really in his power, but maybe Vecna could...
Steve just sits there and lets the song puncture his heart again and again and thinks: if this is what it takes to wake you up, Red, I'll listen to it, anything for you. But please, do it soon. I have a deal to make.
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