#tw: physical fighting | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

furiousgoldfish · 1 year

Text

I wasn't going to write personal posts on this topic, but this one is for all of the people who insist we are not allowed to call out narcissists for their actions, we are not allowed to call it 'narcissistic abuse', and what we're doing by saying that, is in fact, stigmatizing and marginalizing a group of people with a disorder.

I understand all of you want to be kind, and not accuse someone of being abusive, if they're presumed to be struggling with a disorder. Being accused yourself, that you're creating stigma if you do it, can feel uncomfortable and wrong. And to accuse those who are struggling the worst, of stigmatizing if they speak up about abuse, can be devastating.

Stigma, however, is not created in small, isolated communities of people who have no public voice, it's not created in the space where people go when they have nowhere else to turn to. The public does not listen to victims, they listen to the framing that makes it the easiest to ignore abuse. Which is, coincidentally, the abuser's narrative.

Hearing that narcissists are to be protected and that to say otherwise is evil, can easily take vigor if the most loud, aggressive and forceful people are yelling it, in a community of mostly scared, vulnerable individuals. So you relent and decide, it's simply kind to just defend whoever has a disorder, no matter what it is, no matter the consequences. You find it easier to not do research, to not look at reality, but pick whatever is the most convenient. If people yelling the loudest are saying 'narcissistic abuse doesn't exist! you're hurting people by saying it does!' then it's the easiest to repeat it and accept that it's right.

So now let's scale back a bit, and look at what is going on specifically in the community of abused and traumatized people on tumblr. You have a group of people who are claiming that the narcissists abused them, who can recount horrific, devastating, destructive, traumatic and severely damaging experiences of abuse by narcissistic parents or partners. People who have developed dissociative disorders, complex trauma, chronic conditions and a whole ordeal of mental disorders due to the extensive, long lasting abuse. Most of these people were children, when exposed to the narcissists. Most of these people have loved those narcissists with all of their hearts. For the most of them, it took half of their lifetime to realize abuse was going on, and that their symptoms were not imagined or without a cause. These people have been tortured, and are looking for a safe space.

You also have children here who are currently being abused, who are telling horror stories of their current reality where they're used, exploited, controlled, violated, their identity and humanity erased, who exist only as a resource to the narcissists. They're looking for a way to recognize what is happening to them, why are they feeling this awful, and how to get out.

And of course, you have people in this community who have been abused in other kinds of circumstances and by other kinds of abusers, and we're all trying to figure out what the truth is, who to blame, how to get out of abuse, how to gain freedom, how to stay safe. So it's a community of heavily traumatized individuals, most of them very vulnerable to future abuse, a lot of them children, a lot of them abused and sensitive to other kinds of grooming and abuse.

Narcissists are infiltrating this specific community and demanding to be promoted as safe and non-dangerous, to these specific people. They're not trying to appeal to general public, to psychologically healthy, to people who have resources and community to protect themselves from abuse, no, they're aiming at this specific, already-abused, already groomed, vulnerable, struggling, traumatized community of people, and threatening to smear-campaign, cancel, expel and banish anyone who doesn't accept to view them as harmless.

Why would they do this? Which safe and harmless person would put themselves in a group of traumatized and vulnerable people to bully and threaten them for the sake of 'public image' and 'erasing the stigma'? Tell me what is humane about this. Tell me what is humane about asking a victim of narcissistic abuse to be narcissist-positive on their trauma-related blog. Tell me what is normal about telling a victim of torture to say positive thing about their torturer, or to be expelled from their community as a punishment.

You are extending our torture. You are now the extension of our trauma.

And when you're out here saying 'not all narcissists', tell me how do you know which ones then? Do you know that if you're saying this to a child, they might then happily accept a narcissist in their life, who then might end up torturing the kid? You don't know which ones are dangerous, and neither do they. Are you okay with that? Can you feel peace in your heart knowing you helped this to happen? Can you look at yourself knowing you went and claimed, to a vulnerable, or already-traumatized child or a vulnerable person, to accept this potentially dangerous individual in their life, who then hurt them? Will you tell them it's their own fault and to 'stop claiming narcissists are abusive' if they confide it to you?

You're not even thinking of what will happen to those kids. I was left with narcissists alone. I was locked up in a basement. I was beaten. I was forced to play games where I would end up inevitably tortured and told it was my fault for 'losing'. I was brainwashed into believing that I'm not a human being. I was denied food if I didn't do as I was told. I was brutalized and almost murdered. I was told I would be dead if I tried to escape. I will never recover.

And I'm not even one of the worst cases. Children have been thru worse. Children are going thru it right now.

If you feel safe recommending to children and the vulnerable, to go and accept narcissists in their life, this is what you're risking. This is what some of them are capable of. You don't know which ones. Are you really going to use children and most vulnerable people in society, to test and see if the narcissists would torture them or not? You're really going to tell them to go and associate themselves with a group that has a high count of predators, just so that the predators in the groups wouldn't be upset or feel excluded? Just so you'd feel safe from being told off by them? So you wouldn't have to deal with them?

If you can put kids at risk and feel like you've done nothing wrong, then I don't care what else you have to say. You can no longer pretend not to know. You can't pretend that defending narcissists is a kind gesture. You can't pretend to be 'inclusive' when you barge into a community of victims and tell them to shut up about the abuse they worked so hard to recognize. You can't pretend you're faultless when you insist that the most vulnerable people in the population should be accepting and positive about the most dangerous group to them, so you'd have it easier, so you wouldn't have to even look at what narcissists have already done to us.

We're not your shield. We're not here to be scapegoats for your cowardice. We're not sacrificing children because it's so easy and convenient to bow down to bullies. It's been enough of this. Respect our boundaries. We don't want narcissists to have access to us.

#narcissistic abuse #child abuse #abusive parents #toxic parents #tw torture mention #tw descriptions of abuse #tw physical abuse #tw mention of murder attempts #putting kids at risk for the sake of 'politics'#telling victims of abuse to be accesible to potential abusers #so the abusers would have an easier time getting close to a victim #we can't get any protection in the rest of society #but we should and will be protected in our own damn community #we're not going to accept that our safe space is nowhere #we're going to fight

305 notes · View notes

monsoon-of-art · 6 months

Note

maybe I’ve just missed something but WHO is ice cream man

Ice Cream Man is a villain who superficially resembles an Ice Cream Man from the 1950's. His real name, age, and identity are completely unknown. What is known is that he's actually part of a duo; he speaks of his 'Wife', who is an unfathomable horror that lives inside his ice cream cart with a demand for human flesh.

he speaks of her fondly, a real wife guy. Some speculate he's been around for a lot longer than he appears, some think he's not even a real person and just part of the "wife". He's a real creepy motherfucker and no one likes him.

#myocs #body horror tw #the fact that he doesn't physically age is fun though. two generations of dragonfly fighting the same dude #neon hero

114 notes · View notes

one-time-i-dreamt · 1 year

Text

I broke into Ryan Reynolds’ house and some cop started chasing me so I hid in a theater. Drake was there and we fought but every time we punched each other we changed shapes and colors. My head was a square at some point and he was purple.

#dream #ryan reynolds #crime #breaking and entering #house #cop #police #hiding #theater #drake #violence tw #fighting #physical violence tw #body horror

325 notes · View notes

dinokiwii · 6 months

Text

good morning smiles innocently.. havent posted this yet but here. aftermath after a fight with jefferem cause they fucked around and accidentally got their safe files deleted/j

w/o helmet under the cut

#jefferem wouldnt actually hurt benry that bad dw #they did used to get into physical fights early on in their friendship tho #but now theyre buddies and only wrestle sometimes cause it’s fun #benrey #benry #hlvrai #benrey hlvrai #hlvrai benrey #benry hlvrai #hlvrai benry #half life vr but the ai is self aware #my art #blood tw #tw blood

67 notes · View notes

barflovski · 1 month

Text

who took it out on you this time?

#this is vent art I’m not trying to glorify anything here #plus stan lore I guess. shelley used to kick the shit outta him but when he got bigger she just switched to emotional abuse #she gets the fuck out when she turns 18 but randy has been picking physical fights with stan since he was like 12. so it’s neverending #my art #stan marsh #abuse tw

46 notes · View notes

vivitheanimaxen · 6 months

Text

Tango hadn't had this much physical contact with another mer since he'd gotten separated from his pod.

He was pinned against the cold wall of the pool, Jimmy pressed against him and holding him pinned. Everything was just too much, at the moment. He squeezed his eyes shut, just focused on the water pumping over his gills as his heartrate started to finally slow down.

Okay, back up a bit, how did Tango manage to get himself in this situation?

In all truth, he wasn't entirely sure. He'd been swimming around the pool, trying to get used to the way his ripped fins changed his maneuverability, going as fast as he dared in the enclosed space-- probably faster than was advisable.

It was an anxious tick of his, pacing back and forth when he was attempting to work something out. It helped when the problem was something he could inspect with his hands and where another perspective was incredibly helpful. Not so much when the danger was unseen, unheard, and completely out of his control. At least he could pace, here, rather than being stuck in an empty tidepool not much bigger than two body lengths across.

He'd been talking out loud to himself-- just gibberish, really, thinking out loud as he worked the stiffness out of his muscles. Anything to distract from the eerie quiet. The water being this quiet never meant anything good. He was going to go insane if he had to sit here in silence, just waiting to be ambushed. And him being loud wasn't helping. the sorts of predators that made the sea go quiet were the ones you needed to be quiet to avoid.

He felt like he was going mad anyway. There weren't any predators here, not the type that sound would do anything more to attract. But he simply couldn't bring himself to shut up. It was easier to just keep chattering away to himself, because then maybe he would actually have somewhere to point the pent-up jittery sort of borderline panic that was making his scales itch. Maybe then there would be a physical threat to sink his fangs into, instead of this growing dread and certainty that his pod was dead again.

He'd lost his first pod to a silence like this.

Tango hated silence.

It only took a half a second of distraction for Tango to lose focus on his careful balance of speed and water pressure and the way his fins dragged to slow him down for the turn and-- there was movement, something was above the water.

Thwack--

Well, that hurt. Tango shook his head, at least he'd had the awareness to twist, hitting the wall with his back instead of with his head or shoulder or anything that would've snapped with the wrong amount of pressure.

Then there were bodies in the water, humans surrounding him where he lay on the shallow bottom, a mer circling around behind him for the kill--

It was a split-second decision, and a lucky glance of blond hair versus blue that let him tackle the human into the water and take him hostage.

The other two had gills, but this one didn't.

Once he had his back to the wall and the held in front of him like a shield, the other two kept their distance.

It was Jimmy, the mer he'd yelled at before, and the blue-haired half-thing that'd helped steal Tango and maybe-kill Impulse.

The human he was holding hostage was the one who'd maybe-killed Impulse. In that moment, he was incredibly tempted to bleed the human out right here and now. He was a threat.

"Woah-- woah!! just calm down. we can talk about this, right?" Jimmy had his hands out in a placating gesture, "Just-- let Martyn go, alright? He's done nothing to hurt you, mate--"

"Oh? Why don't you ask him about what happened to my human?" Tango snapped, tightening his grip.

"Don't--! You're gonna hurt him--" Jimmy pinned his fins back in a show of submission, backing off.

But the other one was trying to edge around to the side of him. Tango bared his fangs in response, twisting to face him too, "You stay right there-- don't come any closer--"

The half-thing put up his hands, "Let him go, we're not goin-ta hurt you."

"Tell that to the human you killed--" Tango snarled, flaring his fins in threat, "You killed my human, it's only fair that I get to kill yours."

"Killed--" Jimmy twisted to look at the half-thing, "Scott, did you guys kill somebody?"

"No. No, we didn't kill him. We put him to sleep, that's all." The half-thing-- Scott-- shook his head, "Let Martyn go before you hurt him."

They-- hadn't killed Impulse? Oh. That changed a couple things. Maybe. If Impulse was okay.

A moment before Tango was going to let the human go, something sharp bit him in the arm.

Tango recoiled with a shout, shoving Martyn away.

He got tackled a moment later by Scott, everything starting to go out of focus.

They were all liars. All three of them. Liars and cheats and Tango wasn't going to let them get away with this--

He snapped at Scott, managing to get at least one or two solid bites in before the half-thing could really react. A moment later, Jimmy slammed into the two of them, knocking Tango's head spinning and taking the opportunity to pull them apart.

Tango twisted in his grip, shrieking in anger as he attempted to get his fangs into Jimmy too. He wasn't able to get around to anywhere he could do any damage. A moment later, Jimmy shoved him against the wall.

And that's how Tango found himself in this situation.

He gave a half-hearted flick of his tail, flexing against Jimmy's grip. Tango didn't really want him to let go, but he didn't want to just-- give up.

"Alright. Listen here, you." Jimmy hissed into his ear, "You need to hold your seahorses and actually listen for once, instead of just fighting us all the time. Now. Are you done? or are you going to keep trying to bite me?"

Tango shuddered, letting himself go limp as he tipped his head towards the wall. His mouth felt thick and clumsy and stuffed full of pebbles as he answered, "I'm done. . ."

"Moon and stars above, was that really so hard?" Jimmy asked, not letting Tango go, but loosening the death grip on his arms.

Everything was fuzzy, like the way it'd been when he first woken up here. Whatever it was that'd bitten him was nasty. Nastier than the time Etho had accidentally gotten Tango with his spines.

Jimmy did eventually let go of Tango, after Scott had gone back up to the surface to check on the human. Tango still had to lean against the wall, though. He didn't like his chances of staying upright with the way everything seemed tipped ever so slightly to the left.

He had to admit that he was sad about Jimmy swimming off to also check on his human after a little while longer. Even though Martyn hadn't actually killed impulse, Tango couldn't bring himself to feel guilty about almost drowning the man.

Sue him for being homesick, but Tango couldn't help but want the other mer around.

51 notes · View notes

3raccoonstryingtorobabank · 4 months

Text

playing chapter three right now and I’d beat the SHIT out of Azul (read more in place because this is a long ass rant) spoilers ahead btw

ITS NOT EVEN BCS OF THE STUDY GUIDES bcs that’s just smart business tbh I respect that

The MC was just out of nowhere teleported to this insane ass magic world with no money or magical ability, has 100% been struggling, dealt with 2 overblots already and has the useless headmage hanging their financial situation above them to get them to do shit for him,,, Azul probably knows all of this mind you,,, they come to him bcs out of the kindness of their own heart with all the shit on their plate already they want to save their friends (and like 223 other students) AND HE PRETTY MUCH DOES EVERYTHING IN HIS POWER TO MAKE THEM HOMELESS???

like yea MC could stay at Heartslaybul (in a room with 4 other guys) or maybe at Savanaclaw (while basically being Leona’s servant) or there could be other cannon possibilities (like Kalim is really kind so he might have let MC transfer there if they lost Ramshackle) but none of those options were ever a guarantee plus he would have taken all of MCs belongings they couldn’t carry with them out of Ramshackle

and Azul was making it actively more IMPOSSIBLE to fulfill the terms of the contract. yea no sorry Jack Howl the Moral Compass Haver but both twins would have to pull me off of Azul I’d break his bones

EDIT BELOW: I finished chapter three

yea I still think Azul is a huge bitch and I realized I kin him

like I was bullied as a kid for being chubby too and I’ve never tried to make someone homeless to open a restaurant branch ffs

though I am proud of him for pulling a character development (however small and long overdue it was) I sure as hell would’ve asked for something in return

like oh u wanna erase your past so bad??? yea I’ll forget all about ur overblot for a free sushi buffet courtesy of Mostro Lounge

#MC needs to learn the power of a baseball bat and some weightlifting classes #Especially since most of the students fight with magic so even if they’re physically strong #They’re not used to someone just swinging at them #So even if it’s someone muscly like Jack you’d have the element of surprise and at least land a hit or two #Moral of the story Id be an awful MC #Sorry Azul stans I made calamari out of your babygirl #twst x reader #twst wonderland #disney twst #disney twisted wonderland #azul ashengrotto #twst #twst azul #tw rant #tags from after my edit here #Yea I’d make a terrible MC #Sorry Azul you made an attempt on my life I think I deserve some free sushi #Off topic but I love sushi and I just KNOW Mostro lounge would have good quality fish #Fresh caught by your favorite lowkey terrifying manipulative eel twins ❤️❤️❤️

33 notes · View notes

serickswrites · 6 months

Text

Hit the Floor

Warnings: fighting, physical violence, broken glass, blood, wounds

Caretaker hurried towards the sounds of fighting. They knew that Whumpee would find Whumper without fail. What they hadn't accounted for was that Whumpee would run off and leave them behind to find Whumper. They couldn't leave Whumpee alone with Whumper.

"Watch out!" Caretaker shouted as they rounded the corner to see Whumper racing towards Whumpee.

Before Whumpee could move or even react, Whumper barreled into them, wrapping arms around their waist and allowing the momentum to carry the two of them through the window behind Whumpee. The window broke with a crash and both Whumper and Whumpee disappeared from view on the other side, no doubt hitting the glass covered floor.

"No!" Caretaker shouted as they raced forward.

Broken glass was never good. Their mouth went dry as they saw Whumpee covered in blood and laying on the ground. Whumper got up on unsteady legs, blood trickling from a few cuts on their face. They looked down at Whumpee and smirked before turning on their heel and clumsily running away.

"Go," Whumpee's chest heaved, "after them." Their hand flopped on the ground and Caretaker realized they were trying to wave Caretaker away.

"No, Whumpee, I can't leave you, I--" and the words died in Caretaker's throat as they finally could see Whumpee.

Blood trickled from Whumpee's mouth as they swallowed and tried to breathe. A long shard of glass stuck out of Whumpee's chest. They had other cuts that bled, but the glass shard was the thing that had Caretaker's heart freezing in their chest.

Caretaker dropped to their knees beside Whumpee, not caring if they got cut up on the glass. They didn't care about anything other than helping Whumpee.

"Please," Whumpee gasped.

Caretaker carefully ripped strips from their own shirt as they spoke, "I can't leave you, Whumpee. You need help. I need to get you help."

Whumpee's breaths rattled in their chest, their eyes wide and pleading with Caretaker. Whumper could not get away. Not after everything.

"We can get Whumper later. Right now we need to focus on you." They began to carefully try to stabilize the shard. "Stay with me, Whumpee. Keep your eyes on me. Keep them open. Come on, Whumpee."

"Staying," Whumpee whispered.

Caretaker could see the monumental effort Whumpee was making to stay conscious. Caretaker had to keep Whumpee awake and alert because they weren't sure if Whumpee closed their eyes if Whumpee would ever wake up again. And they couldn't bear the thought of Whumpee not waking up again. "Please, stay, Whumpee."

#serickswrites #whump #whump writing #whumpblr #whump community #tw fighting #tw physical violence #tw broken glass #tw blood #tw wounds #whumptober #whumptober 2023 #whumptober day 22 #"they never saw us coming til they hit the floor #prompt: glass shard #prompt: “watch out”#queue

26 notes · View notes

jekyllnahyena · 2 years

Photo

Piece inspired and directely referencing ‘politicians in my eyes’ written by @jaigeye i highly recommend reading it (if my subsequent reactions is anything to go by. and maybe also for a better understanding)

i read it yesterday in the evening and was feeling. emotions.

so here’s a bit of art as a companian piece to it. (self restraint is the name of the game and lads, am i a shit player)

#commander fox #tw blood #this was. a lot #but damn did i enjoy it #the background is shamlessly taken from akira >:)#been listening to the same four megalobox ost on repeat for a few hours now #give me a good vibe for it #ajekyllsart #yeah actually really proud of that #might post some pieces solo later #tried to go for a bit of a different style than normally #still physically fighting line work each and ever day

543 notes · View notes

catkin-morgs-kookaburralover · 25 days

Text

when the thought crossed my mind i realised that i am not in fact in a place where i could psychologically do that kind of thing to myself at present

#tw suicide #<- that thought.#i am So Tired of having suicidal thoughts #idk why im Sad today! i was having such a good day earlier and now im Sad!! >:0 #like this is a positive step but it's. life is hard yall #and my doctor ignored the fact that ive been finding eating hard bc my weight's stable #like yay for that (tho ngl i had to fight myself to not look disappointed when he said that) but i am Ill #just in my head and not physically #idk i am Tired.#tw ed #personal #puddleglum hours

10 notes · View notes

reliquaryofflesh · 3 months

Text

Seriously though I think a good fight before fucking might fix me. Been slapped before, definitely liked that. Love wrestling anyway because it’s fun (not that I’m good at it lmao). Would like to see what being kicked in the ribs is like, that’s a longtime fantasy. These cvts on my leg hurt real nice sometimes…I dunno. And I know I like to hvrt partners who enjoy the pa!n. I just think it would be fun to have some mutual (consensual, obviously!) sadomasochism is all.

8 notes · View notes

furiousgoldfish · 5 months

Text

(personal, detailed description of a traumatic experience, alters)

I talked about having an alter that prevents all anger I feel towards an abuser, in order to protect me, because they believe this abuser would kill me if I ever showed any anger towards them. I've been working on this and realized there was an event where this alter player a major role.

I don't remember how old I was, but I had to be a bit over 18, when this happened. There was a hostile atmosphere in the house, and I could feel it in the air, that father came home angry and was looking for a target. So, I made myself scarce, went outside and out of sight. However just a few minutes later, I heard my youngest sibling screaming.

Without thinking, I raced to them, found him attacking my sibling, and punched him in the face as hard as I could. He switched targets and attacked me instead, which was the point of it. Me punching him in the face did absolutely nothing to him, as he was both bigger and stronger, but I didn't care, I was enraged he would dare to attack my sibling, I would fight him to death. But, I couldn't.

He punched me back harder, and I fell to the floor, but I got up, raised my fist, and then froze. He was watching me in both rage and expectation, he was waiting for me to attack so he could return it double, but I couldn't do much more at that point, than hit him on the shoulder, at which he hit me in the head, and I fell down and couldn't get up.

I was paralyzed on the floor. I twitched and struggled to move, but I couldn't, something was keeping me completely immobile. The self hatred I felt was overwhelming. I wanted to fight him, I wanted to do as much damage as possible to him, I wanted him to pay for laying a hand on my sibling, I wanted him to know it would not be without consequences, I wanted to fight him to death. But instead, I was weakly lying on the floor, too weak to even move, terror sinking down into my bones, when I didn't want to be scared, I wanted to attack!

He left me lying on the floor without a second glance. Teenager lying motionless on the floor is not a good target. I lied there for a few minutes, unable to move, then somehow, I managed to crawl a few meters, my room was just around a corner, I was shaking badly with effort it took to just close the door, and then I fell back to the floor, and lied there paralyzed, for 6 hours.

Lying on the floor for 6 hours, hurts. I tried to at least switch positions a few times, but every small movement would end up in hyperventilation and loss of ability to breathe. I was filled both with self hatred for being this weak, this scared and this helpless, and terror that someone in the house was going to barge into my room, and realize that I cannot move, cannot do anything to defend myself, and then they'd kill me. I was praying that nobody finds me, nobody realizes just how vulnerable and open to attack I am at the moment, because if they did, I wouldn't be able to stop them. I was enraged with myself, and would have done anything just to be able to move, and fight, but it was all in vain, I couldn't move at all. At that point I already had ptsd and I knew what was going on was going to create a whole new trauma and I already tried to suppress it, pretend it wasn't happening, as if I could somehow will myself not to get affected by this. I was right too, from that moment on, I would become frozen in those moments, lying on the floor, without being able to do anything, waiting to see if I would be killed.

During the long 6 hours, I had time to think quite a bit, and I realized at one point, that this wasn't normal. It wasn't normal for me to be lying on the floor waiting to be killed, when I was in the house with my family, place where I should have been the safest. It would have been more normal for someone to be concerned that I can't move. I was scared that I would never be able to move again, and was contemplating how I would probably spend the rest of my life there on the floor, and how that would go for me.

My protective alter started joking around with me in order to ease my thoughts, which took me out of my trepidation. Nobody found me, nobody checked on me. After any event of violence towards me, my entire family would immediately shun me, to show that I was wrong, to show that they were all standing with the father, and absolutely detested me because it was my fault this violence occurred, and I had to be avoided, shamed, and ignored, until I somehow made it up to all of them. And in this case, it was extremely hard to argue against it; I did punch him in the face. There was no defense for me whatsoever and I knew it, this was very much provoked violence, he could have killed me and it would have been my fault for attacking him first. I know now, that it was fairly predictable what I would do, because I often put my body between him and my siblings, in order to protect them. If he attacked them, I would come running. He was almost summoning me. You know why he attacked my sibling? They didn't close a door. It wasn't a door that particularly needed to be closed. It was an excuse.

After 6 hours of lying on the floor motionless, I managed to shakily climb into my bed, where I fell unconscious almost immediately. I have no memories of anything that happened for the next month.

So why did I paralyze? I thought it was out of terror. Because this man did torture me, hit me, and almost kill me on multiple occasions. He was eager to kill me, and I could feel his murder intentions while fighting him. But I was also done, I didn't care if he killed me anymore. I was going in to fight him to death, I wanted to hurt him as much as possible even if it ended in my death. I think, that's why I paralyzed. If I had gotten up and punched him as hard as I could again, he would probably feel it was enough of an excuse to be able to kill me and get away with it. After all, I was coming at him, right? You can kill someone smaller and weaker if they keep attacking you, or so it felt inside of my head, since I was living in a world where that was normal, where attacking meant you are going to be killed and it was going to be your fault.

My small protective alter wasn't going to have me dead for anything. Even if I had wanted it. Paralyzed on the floor for 6 hours, hating myself to the extreme, feeling ashamed, weak, terrified, incapable of even any self defense, was still preferable than death to them. They were on a mission to protect my life and anything I experienced as a consequence was not that important to them. So they kept me paralyzed for as long as I was in any way capable of retaliating and attacking back. As long as I was angry and reckless, I needed to be stopped. Life needed to be preserved.

But for me, being reduced to that paralyzed self hating state was so traumatic, I ended up frozen in those moments, for a very long time, I think it took me over 10 years to get free of that. Whenever I would close my eyes, I would still be on that floor, unable to move and waiting to be killed. I think it triggered another past situation where I was also paralyzed, unable to run, and waiting to be killed, that was something that happened to me multiple times. So whatever else I was doing, a part of me was just waiting to be murdered and I couldn't relax or feel any relief, for a very long time. Thus my frustration with the alter, everyone knows torture is worse than death, and waiting to be killed is worse than death, except, for this very small alter who is determined to keep me alive consequences be damned.

Anyway, I don't regret what I did, in that situation I know I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I didn't protect my sibling, even if I suffered for it extensively. My heart broke over and over when I realized my siblings thought that I was actually the rightful target for the violence and deserved it all. Even if they had to keep that belief up in order to be sure it 'couldn't happen to them' and 'it was only happening to me because I deserved it, and they were different so they were safe'. I don't care for their point of view anymore because in that point of view, I exist to absorb violence and don't have a point of view at all. I don't need to look at myself from such a perspective, nobody deserves that.

Writing this down makes things a bit easier for me, because I do often wonder why am I so different and messed up, but then when I'm seeing what happened to me, and what the circumstances of my survival were, like, yeah, of course, I would be weird and messed up if this was my normal, what can you expect? As someone who had to spend 10 years frozen in trauma of waiting to be killed by a family member, and got dehumanized by siblings who I was saving, what am I supposed to be like? I'm supposed to be okay about it all? I don't think so. If my world was that empty and glum it kinda makes sense I'm also very empty and glum. I don't have the warmth and love stored in me from years of being safe and protected and loved, I have experiences of being torn apart for fun, for entertainment, and then being seen as not human once I was experiencing pain. I'm not going to morph into a regular person after that, I'm going to be wary, fearful, untrusting, desperate for safety, as anyone would be.

#traumatic experiences #alters #paralyzing #protective alters #tw physical violence #physically fighting an abuser #trying to save a sibling #ptsd

31 notes · View notes