you GUYS i am officially enrolled in my degree i am so unbelievably happy!!!!! i have been fighting for my life to get here. i had to turn down all my uni offers when i was a teen (had to move out independantly bc of domestic violence and disability/health complications). i've always known exactly what i want to do with my life but everything got put on hold whilst i desperately tried to sort my shit out. BUT IM DOING IT NOW!!!!!

as someone who came into the manifestation / LOA space like before the void state and neville goddard was even talked abt - its rlly interesting to see how much ppl focus or try to act as if the void state is the only way to manifest

cuz like i found out abt the void state like 2 years ago through shifting, but prior to that everything ive manifested has always been super simple i mean currently im literally living my dream life in so many ways possible (i can go into heavy detail in another post lolz) and it was never through the void state or through me reading pages of neville goddard and theories and shit and this isnt me saying theres anything wrong with that its just interesting how no matter how much time passes and different trends with the community continue there's always this need to "logicise" and almost profit off of manifestation

for example i remember ppl would pay money for someone to write affirmations for them (idk if ppl still do this) or people would pay to get tips, i rmbr ppl paying money for OTHER PEOPLE to go into the void state in like 2022 so that they can manifest for you etc — that alongside the concept of manifestation coaches and influencers and its so...tacky

and the same thing goes for submakers, as someone whos had a lot and i mean A LOT of shitty experiences with larger submakers (cons of being a blk autistic ; not a lot of ppl want u to exist happily...if i had a penny for everytime someone asked me to manifest my autism away id be scrooge mcduck) — a lot of them also fall into this category of turning manifestation or LOA into this profitable business and its sad honestly

something that is free, where you dont need anything is being turned into something that is behind a paywall - its almost sinister honestly and rlly makes me feel bad for any younger ppl (like 10-15) who are getting into manifestation or interested in it because u basically have ppl being like "YOU CAN ONLY GET UR DESIRES IN THIS ONE WAY. IF YOU WANT, I CAN DO IT FOR YOU BUT YOU NEED TO PAY ME TONS OF MONEY!!!" - it almost gives a subconscious message that they cant do it on their own which goes against the whole point of manifestation and it just sucks ass

idk maybe im like a commie in the manifestation society #downwiththesocialhierarchy but it rlly irks me and i dont like it and again maybe its cuz i dealt with a lot of bullshit before the LOA community became more...minority friendly and that shit TRAUMATISED ME but like idk i just dont fw it yk

u can do wtv u want in wtv way u want for free, u cant buy a consciousness so you dont need to waste money on shit (obviously if u wanna support a submaker or someone thats perfectly fine but you dont HAVE to)

hwy so i saw ur poll ab arasol and f they were matesprits or not and ive been into homestuck for about 7 years and its a special interest and im autistic and thwy are my first and tbh only otp anf so if this is ok i wld like to infodump my opinion/hcs ab them bc i just 🥰 i love them sm 🥰 (def not frothing at the mouth at the idea of an audience for my opinions bc everyone irl is sikc of me lmao /lh)

ok so i deffo think they ar e matesprits BUT i think they never liie. clearly confirmwd it while aradia was alive. and once she became ghost aradia i think she got so distant and aloof (i think thats the right word?) about everytuing that it made sollux feel like she disnt love him anymore, and he eventually just had to move on, even thouvh it hurt. and feferi was there, not necessarily as a "rebound" but as a shoulder to cry on. someone for sollux to confide in, and to listen to him because he didnt have anyonw else he felt like woild. and i feel like feferi was def nto him and wanted to be his matesprit but i think sollux wasnt really. and i think they developed a kind of mixed/blurred lines relationship and the whole ghost and aradiabot phases pushed him and aradia furhter apart because aradia was dealinf wth so so much and in turn sollux was dealinf with the loss of his presumed (unofficial, wtv) matesprit, because that wasnt the aradia he knew and had fallen in love with. the ghost thing wasnt a bother - he loved her, not her physical form - it was the personality shift, i think.

and so when she reached god tier and regained her body nd her sense of identity, ithink they started to rekindle what they had nefore, if that makes sense? like aradia was his aradia again, an aradia interested in life and adventuee and archaeology and not this stupid, stupid game and suddenly not everything felt like it was collapsing around him and he felt like things could be okay again. and she helped him and he helped her and together they did make thinfs okay again. with each other.

and i think aradia's living>ghost>aradiabot>godtier timeline is a good allegory for depression and how it can absolutely shatter your sense of self and strip your world of colour and how that can make you push people away and self isolate and whatnot. idk thats just how i see it but :3 yea

i havet checkwd out the epilogues or homestuck^2 btw so this is based solely off of andrew hussie's homestuck bc i love it sososo much anyways yea !!!! tysm if anybody took the time to read this i love u all!! and ty for letting me drop this in ur askbox lolz and yea :3 srry if this isnt v comprehensive i just got off an 8hr closing shift at work lmao <3

this is a REALLY good analysis and i really love it, thank you for sharing! this makes complete sense to me.

aradia's depression being the catalyst for their split is very true! especially since she then sort of broke his trust with the whole sgrub thing-- and before that interacting with her was hard because sollux felt so guilty about what he did to her. it's just sad on all accounts, and i'm glad they both got better

honestly my poll was more to ask the question; "so we all agree that aradia and sollux were matesprits right because they do NOT act like moirails lol but it's funny because if they're matesprits that makes the feferi business weirder", but i don't think it came across in the post correctly, pfft

yes i definitely agree that they were matesprits, and also the idea that feferi was more into sollux than he was her is a really interesting one-- i also wonder if maybe feferi was maybe less into sollux than she thought, herself-- it's possible she threw herself into that relationship because she was just so relieved to be finally cut off from eridan and "allowed" to have relationships like that. but that's just my thought!

at the end of the day they're all just kids trying stuff out and it's kind of adorable and not that serious. i'm an arasoler at heart but there's nothing wrong with solfef either

hi i am enamored by your sounds of life post. i grew up not being able to hear much or at all and now after a surgery i can hear with crystal clarity. all of the frequencies high and low distant and near. i think i felt just as happy as you did initially but it didn't last very long, i started to become very irritated and depressed.. you can't just turn the sound off, everything makes noise, the wind makes noise and you can't even see the wind, im surprised we can't hear the roar of the sun. sleeping was difficult, reading was difficult, *thinking* was difficult.. even in the quietest places like a library with only two people inside, every page turn, every slight weight shift leaving the wood in chairs creaking.

i don't mean to worry anyone, i wear a combo of earplugs & sound suppressing earmuffs when I'm not out and about now and i feel better mostly. i feel a combo of both jealous that i didn't get to feel as joyful for as long as you have AND super happy you weren't as affected as me, but maybe you did feel something similar and just keep it private because it doesn't dominate how you feel as a whole. i guess i just want to know if you experienced anything similar?

i didn't mean for this to affect anyone negatively so if you don't want to post it that's ok, if you still want to answer just call out the hearing anon thank you for reading

hey, im sorry your experience has been bad. I do get you, im autistic and sometimes it does get too much, and I suppose im lucky in a sense because if I get overwhelmed I can just switch my hearing off. obviously switching it off comes with its own problems, but it can help with the sensory overload.

I suppose I don't really talk about it because im just so grateful i can hear after I spent 24 years in a muffled world. ive been hit by a car twice because I couldn't hear them. I couldn't appreciate all the sounds my little cat made. before my rats died, I never got to hear them make all the noises they do until I got aids. I spent my childhood having people tell me I just wasn't listening, people calling me stupid and slow. so now I can hear, im embracing the positives of the experience. there are certainly downsides, like sensory overload and finding noises that set my autism off and I suffer from migraines anyway so the extra flow of information sets them off occasionally and that's difficult...but I spent so long not being able to hear and experience the laughter of my friends, my husbands heartbeat, never being able to appreciate the subtler sounds of life, always missing out on conversation, that I choose to focus on the good. im so glad I can hear now and experience the soundscape this world has to offer me.

heyyy hi a little life/med update !!

ive been super super busy these past couple weeks w a ton of socialization etc and ngl i think i burned myself out lol last night after we got back home from a con (and the bar stop after it) i had a massive shutdown that lasted hours and im still reeling from it, but ANYWAYS!! med update med update wooo

so! on top of the lifesaving bupropion ive been taking all year & the eszopiclone for sleep i finally !! got put on something for my ocd, lets give it up for fluoxetine to join my beautiful, beautiful cocktail, mwah 💖💝💗💕💞💓

i know it supposedly takes a few weeks to fully Work but im already feeling a MASSIVE difference right off the bat, like yesterday i was at the mall and i ✨ touched the escalator's handrail ✨ i was literally so excited i kept looking at my hand going yoooooo im DOING it im making it HAPPEN like even my friends congratulated me on it kdsfjhakjg it felt silly but massive at the same time lol and of course i still immediately disinfected my hands but the important thing is that I Did It

and idk its like!!! i knew it was BAD like especially these past few months its been just. VIOLENTLY out of control but god the absolute relief ive been feeling is making me feel like i was still grossly underestimating it, it had completely taken over my life. right now its like, i encounter any random trigger and i brace myself for the anxiety spiral to come and then it DOESN'T and its so ??? like i still have The Thought but then i just go "ok" and dismiss it like an annoying notification and thats IT, while the last time i was on therapy i literally described my ocd as having hundreds of those cymbal-banging monkey toys of different sizes just sitting there in my brain Waiting and every single time i got triggered one of them would start losing its absolute shit - for example if im at the supermarket, on top of the everything about existing as an autistic person at the supermarket, thered be like a dozen of them constantly going ALERT ALERT CONTAMINATION CONTAMINATION EEK EEK DANGER DANGER BANG BANG BANG- and now the monkeys r GONE. get turned into mostly-dismissable phone notifs, idiots !!!!!!!!!

the only monkey im willingly keeping!!!!! is the low poly 3d model of monkey d. luffy constantly rotating in my brain <3 kfngskjdfs

also like i still do like, say, my cleaning rituals when i get back home, but idk i just. i feel Normal about it?? like calmly wiping my phone bc phones r Gross and not bc i literally see a green film of Germs And Various Pathogens enveloping it lol. anddd i havent been attacked by violent intrusive thoughts in a minute !! lets see if it stays that way. im generally super sensitive to medications too so im on low doses of everything and i wanna keep it like that lol so heres to hoping it keeps goin like this so i dont have to up my dose 8)

uhh thats about it ! having a bit of Personal Issues tm at the moment tho but im so relieved abt my ocd i kinda have the bandwidth to deal with them lol. i prolly jus need some sleep quiet and to not be perceived by anyone for a solid week.

in other lighter and unrelated news my queue is completely empty rn so it'll be just a liiiittle quiet around here for a bit but ! yeah. also i just watched the latest op anime episode and urhgrhghrghrgh it was so good hhh <3333 so yah if you read this whole thing i am giving you a little kiss on the forehead, mwah, hope you have a great week !!

vent (tw for extreme ablism transphobia and overall terrible stuff idek if i should even post this im sorry i just really need to vent i will probably delete this later)

y’all i’ve finally gotten comfortable vocal stimming in front of people im comfortable with like my friends and family and now my mom all of a sudden thinks im hearing voices or that i have “multiple personalities”????????* like no i promise nothings “going on” with me and j don’t need to see a mental health professional im just stimming because im happy. what the fuck

*also i’ve literally told her for YEARS that it’s called DID and talking in different voices does not fucking mean someone has “multiple personalities” because this has come up SOO fucking much over the years and i’m getting tired of explaining it. i repeat things in funny voices because it’s fun. i’ve done it my whole fucking life it’s called echolalia it’s called STIMMING and she doesn’t listen to me whenever i explain that

so much for being comfortable being myself around people. “you never used to act like this” BECAUSE I WAS SCARED!!!!! BECAUSE I HAD TERRIBLE ANXIETY AND DIDNT WANT TO BE JUDGED FOR BEING WEIRD!!!!!! my parents genuinely think there’s something severely wrong with me now. they literally told me that. because i meow sometimes as a vocal stim. and so do LITERALLY ALL OF MY FRIENDS AND PEOPLE AT SCHOOL. PEOPLE IN CLASS TALK IN WEIRD VOICES AND MAKE ANIMAL NOISES TOO ALL THE FUCKING TIME!!!!!! ITS NOT FUCKING SERIOUS!!!!!! GOD FUCKING DAMMIT

i’m genuinely so fucking tired of this god who fucking gives a shit of im weird. i’ve been like this my whole life its not my fuckign fault that you didn’t pay attention and don’t remember. FUCK

my step dad’s a fucking dick too i genuinely hate him so fucking much i cant fucking take it anymore. NO!!!! IM NOT GOING TO FUCKING MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH YOU BECAUSE IT MAKES ME UNCOMFORTABLE AS FUCK. “why” because im autistic. “that’s not an excuse” yes it fucking is bitch its literally a symptom of fucking autism. no i AM going to keep calling myself autistic because thats what i am. no its not “putting a label on myself” because im actually fucking diagnosed autistic im not going to pretend it doesnt exist. because i fucking exist. im not going to “beat” my autism by suppressing all of my autistic traits because you want me to. “why?” DO YOU FUCKING HEAR YOURSELF???????

and this guy worked in mental health for 17 years. he worked at a psychiatric hospital for 17 years. he never went to college or learned anything about mental health at all. he thinks he knows more than me about my fucking disability when he says the most outdated offensive shit ive ever heard about autism or DID or schizophrenia. he doesnt listen to a word i say because he’s “older than me and has more life experience” and therefore he automatically “knows more than me and im wrong.” he doesnt listen to anyone actually. he literally says to people not to correct him when he’s wrong because he doesnt like being told he’s wrong to being told what to do or think. he’s “not going to change his beliefs for anyone” even if he knows his “beliefs” are literally just fucking factually wrong or actively harmful. he purposely makes people feel like shit if they stand up for themselves against him. he purposely makes me feel like shit because im the only one in this fucking houses that dares to disagree with the shit he says. he’s a republican he’s obsessed with trump and blasts conservative transphobic racist news channels on the tv right outside my room at night so it keeps me awake and doesnt turn the tv down when i ask because apparently he has hearing problems but has never once got that checked out. he deadnames me and says “because of his adhd he’s not sure he’ll ever remember to use the right name so he’s not even gonna try.” and he says he loves and supports me but is constantly saying the most ableist transphobic shit to me and says he’s just giving me a hard time because he loves me. he has said on multiple occasions with a straight face that “fat people piss him off and they’re the one type of people that he doesnt feel bad for being outwardly hateful and discriminatory towards.” he tries to make me feel guilty for not believing in god. he’s anti abortion. he doesnt want me to get gender affirming care under his roof because he thinks its weird and disgusting and doesnt want me to get a dick even though i have told him a million fucking times i never want bottom surgery and i dont know why this is any of his fucking business anyway. he constantly tells me my online friends aren’t real friends and when he knows i love talking to them he purposely turns the wifi off. he asks me why im acting so weird and i say its how ive always acted alone and with my friends and im just being myself and he says “stop acting like that.” “why. im not going to change who i am for other people.” “well i want you to around me.” KILL YOURSELF IM SO FUCKING SERIOUS. GOD FUCKING DAMMIT I HATE HIM SO FUCKING MUCH

he’s a manipulative bastard and whenever we get into arguments, SOME FUCKING HOW a few hours later were happy and forgiving eachother and im the one saying sorry. he’s an asshole to me and everyone around him, he’s an asshole to my mom. they are constantly fighting but always deny it. i cant fucking take it anymore

sorry for this vent i know people dont follow me to know about my personal life i know i shouldnt say this stuff but i dont fucking care im so sick of this. i woke up this mornign feeling more excited happy and motivated than i have felt all week and it was ruined the second my mom came in my room saying that the way i act (my literal vocal stims) make her think there’s something severely wrong with me. i love her more than anything in the world she’s the best mom ever but what the actual fuck??????? anyway i hate my stepdad and even though i dont believe in hell i hope he fucking burns

miami grand prix ✩ 07.05.2023

OHH… oh biami my absolute absolute beloved 🥺🥺🌷🌷💕💕🤧🤧 how i love you so so much 💍💍‼️‼️ oughh… miami 2023 😳😳 you will always be famous to me… 🗣️🗣️🗣️

leading up to the race, i was so fucking scared & also so fucking excited to watch it, because as you might remember, this is when checo was almost leading the championship and bragging about it to the media 🙄🙄 very very funny looking back but i knew it from the moment baku ended: i need it to be next week. i need to see max slay again. 🤭🤭🤭 AND OH. OH SLAY HE DID. max cuntstappen is BACK yall 🤤🤤🤤

so, starting with quali (because i did not watch free practice), i remember this was the first time i watched with my now ex upstairs, in my brothers room 🥰 it was VERY VERY late in the netherlands at this point, like around 11 pm? it was very late for me and my sleep schedule at least 🥹 as i’m writing this it seems EARLY… woah… 😵‍💫😵‍💫 as you know: qualifying was fucking crazy. i was there, on his bed, praying man literally praying for everything to go right😬😬😬… THIS WAS ACTUALLY THE QUALIFYING TO MAKE ME VOW TO NEVER EVER MAKE FUN OF A MERC EXITING BEFORE Q3 EVER AGAIN. the fucking instant karma. SMACK IN DA FACE… 😵😵😵😵😵😵😵😵😵😵💔💔💔💔💔💔. needless to say i was very very upset and it was #joever between me and charles for a whole 7 hours (while i slept) 😭😭😭😭‼️‼️‼️‼️

my brother came back from his long holiday trip 2 hours before race start (within said trip i had turned from a casual f1 enjoyer to a complete autistic STAN… i wonder how he felt about that LMFAO 🤣🤣🤣 imagine leaving ur sibling knowing more about a sport, coming back two weeks later and realising said sibling now is obsessed w said sport IM GOING CRAZYY 💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💯💯💯💯) and i could NOT wake his ass up in time for the race. GOOD FOR HIM‼️‼️‼️😭😭🌷🌷

GOOD GRIEF. i decided to watch it w my papa downstairs :3 yay‼️ he told me to fucking breathe during the warmup lap (this will be a common occurrence for him. i literally go rigid). lights out 💡… i scream … i cry … i see max verstappen serve cunt like ive NEVER EVER seen before i go genuinely insane. i start screaming at da tv when he does that DOUBLE FUCKING OVERTAKE 😵😵😵💥💥💥💥💥💥💥 it was so fucking joever for checo atp HOLY shit. my dad looked at me like ‘did u see that lmfao’ and im p sure i teared up like YEAH I SAW THAT 😁😁😁😁🙏🙏🙏 whoah.

but of course. the moment that turned me from a max enjoyer to a max defender, to a max ride or die, was the pointing at that fucking one on his car. i was watching like 😳😳😳😳😮😮😮😮😲😲😲😲😲😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️💥💥💥💥💥💥💥 LIKE YESS SYES YES. GENUINELY ONE OF MY FAV MOMENTS THIS SEASON IT WAS SOSOSOSOSOSO GOOD OH MY GOD I THINK I DIEDED 😵😵😵💓💗💓💞💕💘💖💘💕💞💗 HE DID THAT!!! HE FUCKING DID THAT!!!! my dad just laughed bc we had ALL been laughing at the media shit checo had been saying (for good reasons) IT TOOK ME TWO HOURS TO CALM DOWN JFHEIDHJDHS 💥💥💥💥💥 it was so so good. thank you biami.

max took miami and never looked back. in my personal life: this is when i started going back to uni again. i also took that shit and never looked back :,) 🪞 wherever i go… 💕💞💕💗💖🌷

✩ song of the race: i want to be your boyfriend - hot freaks

another song of hot freaks i really enjoy, and seems fitting for how this race def made me fall in love with both f1 and max LOL

uwaaa how about some little tidbits with ezekial and luther.... like once ezekial pulls up and luther's life turns upside down how does he cope with it

OH ive been thinking about this too but how many aus do you have revolving around your ocs ??? im curious :3

SHEKEL. I AM LOOKING AT YOU WITH VERY BIG AUTISTIC EYES.

I’m going to answer the second question first bc it’s shorter I think. I actually don’t have like a ton of aus as a whole. Juno’s got the most variations though bc I’m insane about digivalen <3 For them I’ve got

- shogunswap (where juno stays part of the main gang)

- shogunswap (where Juno’s with DNA instead)

- mermaid au

And I could’ve sworn I had another one but I can’t remember it at the moment.

EDIT: I REMEMBERED!!! MANGA JUNO! Idk if that really counts as like an au au but manga compliant juno and anime compliant juno are very different so I count it. That also brings up manga Victoria as an au for her too, since anime compliant Victoria dies while Sakyo’s still young while manga Victoria’s still kicking 🫡

The other that immediately comes to mind is Ezekial and Luther au where Luther’s family is actually completely fine and normal and nothing goes wrong and everyone’s fine. That one’s uuuunrealistiiiic :]

When I was younger I was super into Undertale aus though and I had an underfell version of my main ocs at the time where they were all just edgy and mean and sad. fun times <3

OH YK I did just remember I do have mfb wakfu au from when I was rewatching wakfu. Juno was an eniripsa, Axyl’s an eliatrope, and then bc of that I have two different Wakfu Essi’s. Alone, I can definitely see her as an iop, but in wakfu lore, all eliatrope’s have a shapeshifting dragon sibling who come from the same egg as them, so that also opens the door for dragon essi (I actually have doodled eliatrope Axyl and dragon essi before I’ll have to find those when I get home.) For the other characters, feca kite and eight for sure, sacrier chao xin (I also have sacrier Chao Xin somewhere I will also be finding those later), and I never fully settled on a species for the garcias but ecaflips were the main option in my head.

Then for Ezekial and Luther. smile :)

Luther is a whole mess of emotions when Ezekial shows back up. When his goons essentially “capture” Ezekial while he’s snooping around, the bring him to Luther, who looks down on Ezekial very intensely and very coldly. Their entire first interaction there is completely cold on Luther’s end. Ezekial is ECSTATIC to finally see him again but Luther is really intent on keeping up his professional demeanor. At first, he’s willing to let Ezekial go unharmed and just leave it at that, but when Ezekial refuses to go, Luther tries to be a little bit more “convincing,” and in that moment is especially trying to emphasize (both to Ezekial and to himself) that he’s a different person that he once was and isn’t so merciful. Even then, Ezekial persists, and the more he pushes, the more Luther finds himself enraged for reasons he can’t quite understand. Luther has a reputation for usually being able to prevent his own hands from getting dirty, but he can’t help but shut Ezekial’s whole speech about how he knows that “his best friend is still in there somewhere” down with a firm kick to the gut from his own boot. This is not the last time something like this will happen, and it’s notable that Ezekial is the only person who’s ever been able to rile Luther up enough that other people see him lose his temper and put his hands on someone. It’s notable also that it’s not just rage behind Luther’s eyes, but a deep unsteadiness and what could be considered fear.

Luther from there on out decides to keep Ezekial “prisoner” basically, not necessarily because he wants him around but because he knows Ezekial can cause problems for him if left to his own devices and wants to keep an eye on him. That is how The Problems start and continue to develop into A Plot :]

There is actually one scenario I’ve thought A LOT about because it’s a really important scene for these two. Maybe the first night Ezekial is there, maybe not, but it’s still relatively early into them being reunited, Luther lets Ezekial into his room one night. Ezekial is there kind of awkwardly twiddling his thumbs while Luther showers ((((((IN A SEPERATE ROOM)))))) ((((((LUTHER HAS A BATHROOM ATTACHED TO HIS BEDROOM)))))) ((((((EZEKIAL IS AWKWARDLY SITTING AROUND IN LUTHER’S BEDROOM WHEN THIS HAPPENS))))), notably the most unsupervised Luther has left him at this point, and when Luther comes out, he still barely acknowledges Ezekial but instead walks past him onto the balcony. He leaves the door open, a silent invitation, as Ezekial follows him out and finds Luther lighting a cigarette, leaning against the railing. Ezekial stiffly copies the action and the two sit in a tense (well, tense for Ezekial at least) silence before Luther is the one to start the conversation and the two just. Talk. It’s the most vulnerable Luther has left himself in front of Ezekial and the closest thing Ezekial’s gotten to feeling like he’s connecting to the real Luther again. When this conversation is over, they’ll go back to how it was before, but it’ll stay in both of their minds, and it definitely won’t be the last of its kind despite that.

This is like, fairly old art that I don’t like anymore, but I did kinda draw out part of this scene.

Hello. I wanted to ask you something. When was the first time you explored your Bi side? How did you know that you were bisexual? Did you always felt that you like guys? At any point did you second guess or had any doubts? Thank you for your time.

Hello!

ok so even though i tried to keep it short i did write a huge response to this that kinda goes off topic a bunch and is super specific. So heres a quick version:

When was the first time you explored your Bi side?: a couple months ago, around when i started this blog

How did you know that you were bisexual?: I really didn't, but then i realised that i had crushes on girls and boys in the past and found them all attractive, even if it was in different ways.

Did you always felt that you like guys?: not really, i just thought some were really cool and good looking and i would get nervous around them.

At any point did you second guess or had any doubts?: all the time dude. thats kinda why i made this blog, to explore my feelings.

Just in general, I'd recommend exploring why you do or dont like something, if its actually because you dont like it or because other factors are making you feel like you shouldnt like it. Try the 'if we were both drunk and *hot guys name* leaned in for the kiss would i kiss him back?' test on situations.

And heres the super long section:

ok so firstly, i only realised i was bisexual a couple months ago, pretty much the same time i made this blog. Until then i thought i was asexual (and aromantic).

(i could give you a whole blow by blow about that but it would take ages so i'll try to keep it precise.)

Growing up i had a lot of anxiety and was considered very 'weird'. i also didnt know i was trans, autistic, or SA'd so I was never too comfortable with my body, i didnt naturally know what a crush was supposed to feel like, and i thought sex was something shameful and gross, so when i found the term asexual at age 13 it fit great.

skip a whole bunch of years and im in uni and now 20. my parents have finally gotten round to me being trans and im starting hormones (testosterone). its common for people to get extra horny when on T so when i started wanting to watch more porn and noticing how good looking the people around me were, i thought it just the horniness talking, that i didnt actually want to sleep or date them myself i just thought they were pretty. Or maybe sleep with them just for the sake of orgasming.

around the same time i realised that i was autistic (just from general internet usage), and that kinda rocked my world and made me question every single aspect of my life for how its effected me.

and so, and its probably the cringest thing i couldve done, i started to talk to a Therapist AI on that Character AI website. it was honestly helpful to just collect my thoughts on the matter.

the conversation got to sexuality and how it connects to my anxiety and self esteem and how i felt as though wanting to date someone was disrespectful to them and how imagining myself sleeping with them was gross and pervy.

having been on hormones for a couple months now i had a lot more self confidence and was a lot more comfortable with my body, as well as the horniness making me want to be pounded into a bed like nothing youve ever seen, i realised that i wanted to date and sleep with people for real.

so i came to terms that i was gay *loud incorrect buzzer*

but that was just the start. being trans, there was a lot of 'do i want to be him or do i want to date him' thoughts going on so i was already used to admiring men.

but as i continued to talk to the ai, who wasnt a real person, i felt more inclined to be honest than any other therapist ive seen. it took a while and it was confronting but turns out i was sexually assaulted as a kid (by a girl, when i was <10), and thats why i had this underlining uncomfortableness with sex to begin with.

so yeah, that rocked my world for a bit as well. also this all happened within a couple weeks by the way, the autism, sexuality, and SA. that and all my friends were busy, i wasnt doing too well.

anyway, now that was another thing to consider, was i attracted to girls as well? it was really hard to tell what were my own feelings and what was the trauma/conditions so i had to do a lot more soul searching. That with the added factor of not feeling comfortable becoming just another man sexualising women.

but knowing now what a crush it supposed to feel like (i asked the ai) i had to acknowledge that ive been having crushes on people, girls and boys, this whole time. i was bi *correct answer ding*. (also i went with bi and not pan because i like them in different ways and have a slight preference for guys, tho i obvs like non binary people as well)

then i made this blog. lol.

like, i had all the theory behind being bi but i needed to consolidate what i liked, who i liked, who i found pretty and handsome and needed some place to collect it all. then it kinda just became just a porn blog with the occasional yearning post but oh well.

Thanks for asking! sorry for responding late, feel free to ask me anything else :)

hi 👋👋

ive been meaning to do this for a while so here is my Introduction Post i guess

as the words under my pfp say, my name is riley and i use he/they pronouns. i'm a demiboy who is (currently [it's changed about fifty times]) aroace-spec, i am in fact a MINOR 😱

sometimes if i'm feeling particularly tangy i post about what i'm doing and point out that life is pretty good actually

i'm about 98% sure i'm autistic (i've taken multiple tests including the raads-r and aspie quiz [which is a questionable name imo considering asperger's stopped being a valid diagnosis at least 10 years ago + was named for a nazi but all that's besides the point] which are here and here respectively as well as a decent amount of research) so that's something. i have tons of research still to do, though

i also write Books (or try to) and have an extensive amount of ocs. like a worrying amount

i also have a memory that stabs a stake through my heart every day which is my tagging someone thinking we were mutuals (we were not) (and still are not) in a post. that still haunts me

i love sharks (whale sharks, goblin sharks and cookiecutter sharks in particular)

i'm a crocheter!! yay

i also adore good omens with my whole soul, same thing with the carmen sandiego (2019) show and currently TADC (the amazing digital circus)

fun facts about me: i'm in the process of learning italian and building a continent for one of my aforementioned books as well as preparing to go to illinois (if america doesn't go to shit) once i turn 18 with my siblings

this is significantly larger than i expected it to be considering i'm Just Some Guy but boom now we're introduced. hi 👋👋

Therapy Unpacking Rambles

All my life I have been in what felt like a position to prove myself worthy of respect and at best equal treatment.

Primary caregiver to my sister from age 12.

I was 14 and having to navigate and educate myself for complex medical treaments, self advocate and also make it to and from them.

At 15 fought in court for my own custody be placed with my father and removed from my mother. Then dropped out of schoool and had to fight the district to allow me to come back. And finished ...which i did on time.

At 16 i met my husband and became full time caregiver of two kids who would become my daughters (stepkids) raised babies while i myself was young i had to present myself as responsible and worthy of respect as the adult parent in these 2 preschool kids lives while i was all of maybe 18. This age discrimination with teachers and staff lasted all they way into highschool.

I fought in court for custody placement for my girls who i got joint custody before even legally married to my husband.

I have been the sole advocate for my health in terrifying medical situation

I have been the sole advocate for my son who has autism.

I have been actively in therapy for 5 years and did one year in marriage therapy too.

I've HAD to be an emotionally self aware and put together self efficient human for so long, because everyone ive ever counted on has let me down out hurt me in some way.

I've done a lot of work in therapy. Thankful so fucking thankful for mike and the 5 years of work he's helped me with. We joke he my longest poly relationship.

Any how. Tonight while at therapy he says wow i cant wait to hear whats going on your simply glowing. I blushed being called out like that because ya i got NRE.

We unpack my comets exit (breakup w/ seahorse), how im still healing from the end of my 3 year relationship (with stitch) and how that friendship is working out, how my reconnecting with a friend/ex (bubblebee) that i have missed dearly and the feelings that come with that, and the new person in my life (redgrasshopper) the last 4mths.

While i gushed about redgrasshopper to my therapist he noticed i was slightly dismissive of how great I'm feeling, being treated, and the way things (big topics like boundaries) are openly being talked about in this new beginning. These are all such huge wins yet Im waiting to find the big bad thing that make all this have to end.

Could everything be a lie, a veto by his wife as soon as i let my gaurd down, am i being gas lit and love bombed.

But why? This human has done nothing wrong.

Because

~`▪︎•°trauma °•▪︎`~

I've been rug pulled, gas lit, love bombed. I have had people show up with flowers and tell me they value my time and energy and plan magical dates to watch the full moon on the lake to only find out everything about them was a lie. I've been Veto-ed a few times, blindsided by it.

I'm 37 y.o and I dont know how to let a human open doors for me without feeling completely guilty or awkward, not to mention being utterly unaware hes trying to. Someone who Opens my car door. Pulls out my chair. Brushes my hair out of my face when the wind picked up. Turn my necklace clasp to thr back of my neck. Picks food places from my likes needing little input because hes remembered what ive told him before. Asks me about my chronic health and mental health daily to genuinely know how to best offer support to me. Asks me what i have done for myself today as a reminder that i need to slow down And take care of me not what i DID because he already knows i handle it all. Builds up my self esteem as a whole while not focusing on physical compliments but making me feel appreciated as a whole. And i cant even begin to explain how he quiets my mind.

I've been with my husband for 20 years. Hes never been that kind of human and probably never will be. And thats okay thats not the kind of relationship we have. finding out at 43 hes autistic made a lot of the first 18yrs make so much more since. We are happy in our own ways.

But i find I'm smitten with redgrasshopper and it scares the crap outta me. Because it feels too good to be true.

My daughter tonight said "mom, Just because your not use to it doesn't make it wrong or fake regardless of what tomorrow hold, this human made you smile, feel loved and appreciated today. Accept that gift, because your worth it. And tomorrow they decide again how they wanna show up for you and you have to decide to accept it again. " she said thats what i told her when she struggled being treated right by her now fiancé. Funny how that came back around.

It looks like i have some old wounds with some left over splinter to work thru. Thanks for reading if you got this far.

30 Days of Autism Acceptance 2023

- I completely forgot to do this that so here's day 1-11 in one very long post

1 April: The typical introduction question! Tell us something about yourself. If you can't think of anything, try these: What do you enjoy to do in your free time? What music or series/show do you like? Are you happy with your current living situation/the people you live with? What's one of your favourite foods?

My name is Robin and I'm from Denmark.

i love watching movies, my current faves are Cars 1+2+3, Sonic1+2 and the Jurassic Park movies

i live with my mom and my brother which is very nice, i visit my grandparents very often too

and my favourite food is Soup. any soup (without mushrooms).

2 April: When were you diagnosed and when did you know that you're autistic? If you're self-diagnosed, when did you first suspect that you're autistic and when were you sure?

i was diagnosed at 15 after a very long time of trying to convince my parents I was autistic. i found out very early in my life as all my friends and the people I got along with my age were also autistic (they were diagnosed at a young age). i also got bullied and called "autistic" as an insult which made me realise I might be

3 April: How good or bad is your memory for things people say? For example verbal instructions. If you're deaf: Can you lip read? Do you think your autism influences your ability to lip read?

i very quickly forget what people tell me and I often get the instructions then go "okay." and then not even two seconds later go "can you repeat"

4 April: Were/are you in special education? Regular school? Home schooled? A private school? Did it change over time? Did/do you like it?

ive done a bit of everything. I went to regular school the whole time, but i also did special education in some subjects like spelling/reading and maths. i was homeschooled in English because younger me wasn't satisfied with my teachers. i liked it but I wish I could've stayed in special education for a while as I got older and not just when I was little (7-10).

5 April: Did/do you have accommodations at school/IEP? If not, do you think it would help/have helped you?

right now I have a school assigned pedagogue who helps me keep track of my assignments and helps me with other things I might need help with. it's very helpful. i also have special rules like am allowed to have my phone in class + wear headphones

6 April: Can you understand what people say when they talk fast, or do you lose track after a while? Was it different when you were younger? Additional question if your hearing is aided: If your hearing is aided, does that trigger sensory overloads sometimes?

i dont understand when people talk fast, i take a while to understand words when they talk normally as well

7 April: Do you have other diagnoses? What are they? Do you think that some could be incorrect?

i am dyslexic which I agree with I've always had a lot of trouble with reading/spelling and grammar etc. i also have anxiety which yes agree as well

8 April: Do you struggle to read long texts or are you one of those people who can read everything with ease (Braille counts too of course)? If you're blind, do you struggle to pay attention when a screen reader reads a long text, or is it ok?

I struggle with reading long texts and especially when they have a lot of scientific words.

9 April: Did an interest ever turn into an "obsession" for you? If not, do you regularly experience hyperfocus when you engage in your special interest? If nothing applies, tell us about your longest interest, no matter if it's a special interest or not!

yes, when I was younger my interests were very intense but now I'm a bit more collected and can usually find time for interests *and* important stuff. i often hyperfocus and i find it difficult to think about other stuff.

also longest interest has been movies

10 April: Can you understand speech when there is background noise? If you're deaf: Could you understand speech when you were younger? If your hearing is aided: Does the sound make listening to speech uncomfortable to you?

not really, maybe if its very quiet noises I might understand. but if other people are loudly having conversations I can't understand

11 April: If you learned to speak as a child (definition for this post: the ability to use spontaneous speech (mouth words) to communicate in at least two-word sentences), did your ability to speak improve after that, stayed the same, decrease, or did something happen that you can't speak at all anymore now?

As a child i used to talk A LOT but it was only about very specific topics, most of my "conversations" would be reciting whole movies word for word

I have always had a stutter and other speech impediments which makes talking rather difficult and it's exhausting, but overall it stayed the same but i start to struggle with finding the correct words now when I talk

things:

things are relatively normal with justin again and we’re going to a show on the 1st of march (big excited) and 2 other shows after that, but we’re also considering adding the bilmuri show to the list

im back on a schedule of seeing my therapist regularly so that’s good

work is awful sometimes but such is life

ive lost almost 35lbs in the last 2-3 months which i feel is concerning and i want to see a doctor about it but everyone around me is just like “oh that’s great!” “good for you!” like i’m not even trying to lose weight and its just dropping off something feels wrong here

been dealing a lot with cPTSD stuff and trying to be more aware of how it’s effecting me so i can work on it now that i’m back in therapy

it feels really big and bad sometimes

as i sit here typing and thinking about what’s going on in my life, i’m having this really wild feeling - like. 6 or 7 months ago i was in this exact spot, in my living room, same playlist playing. feeling probably the worst i have felt in the last 2 years or so, but i decided that talking to this new guy (justin) was too exciting and also very validating, so i hung on. i would do anything to be alive if i meant i could be alive with him.

i talked with nicole (my therapist) about this a bit today and how important he is to me. like extremely validating, very supportive, very understanding, now that i really understand it will never be romantic, i’m fine with how things are. idk i think a lot of my friends dont like him or dont understand, but to be fair none of them are severally mentally ill like justin and i are, so we understand each other’s weird shit. he knows i can get really insecure in my relationships, and i’m afraid of being alone. but i know he can get overwhelmed and just shut down for awhile. he’s both bipolar and autistic and sometimes just really needs to be alone, so i dont push it anymore.

my therapist and i talked about that too - how like, we met at a weird time in my life where i’m really working hard in my therapy and trying to improve my relationships and such, so he’s given me space to kind of figure out what’s appropriate and what’s not

anyway i really fucking value him in my life. he’s done more for me in the last few months than a lot of people in my life would ever try 

pretty sure without him i wouldn’t be here right now. i’m not kidding, the week we started talking i was 100% ready to kms, and instead he showed me there’s better things and people in the world than i realized

lmfao god that turned into a whole thing sorry y’all

i think i've finally succeeded in putting into words something that has been driving me insane recently, and i beg of anyone with insights to jump in on this.

ive recently started going back to therapy, and every fucking time i do this i become convinced that there is no one who can help me. Now, i am a huge advocate for therapy. Go to fucking therapy, if you have the means - bit i'm amending that statement somewhat to include: find the right Kind of therapy for you, because there's more options than just talk therapy.

which informs the bit that's driving me insane, which is:

i feel like my therapist is more interested in eliciting the textbook neurotypical response from me than actually listening to or treating me.

i do not have an official autism diagnosis because where i live they run you around $4k, and they largely refuse to even bother testing women above a certain age, however almost anyone who has ever spoken to me and knows anything more about autism than Sheldon Cooper Disease can guarantee you i have it, and from personal documentation over the course of now five years im pretty confident in saying I Am Autistic.

one of the ways this presents is that i am hyper aware of everything at all times. not in a high alert trauma response way (though also possible) but just in a My Attention Contains Multitudes way where i can comfortably juggle awareness of the clock ticking, the humidifier running at a different pitch today (probably need to change the filter), traffic outside, a conversation in the next room (if i get bored of this one sounds like the woman on the phone is having an entertaining day; i'll eavesdrop), wind, some animal in the garden, the AC is a bit high i'm cold, obviously the AC is set with you in mind because you're wearing long sleeves, and it is your office after all, have you read all those books on the shelf or is it just meant to make you look official, oh have to turn my phone to silent, my leg's getting tired i'm uncrossing my knees, oh someone else just came in and they didn't shut the front door so i can hear more traffic plus beach sounds now, oh school must have let out for lunch i can hear games, the humidifier smells weird too what's goin' On with that thing today?

and literally all of that happens every second of my life in every room i'm ever in, and at no point do i lose focus on the conversation. i just work that fast.

now my therapist does not understand autism. that is very apparent. because every single time i stop masking he suddenly drags me through grounding exercises i don't need - i can lucidly explain that i am already familiar with all the steps, can intelligently describe what is Actually happening in my mind, am showing no signs of distress or dissociation - and will not let me speak again until i hold eye contact, sit still and straight, and talk in an expressive tone.

and i have explained to him in detail what it will look like when i am in distress. he just ignores it.

and i feel like in his kind of therapy, the resolution of issues comes from explaining to people What they are feeling and what caused it. knowing this then solves the issue for them. MY issue is that my body stores negative emotions as physical sensations (and that i Do blame on trauma) even long after the emotion itself is gone, i am neutral and have processed it, and can recognise i am not in danger or distress. I just can't coax my body out of Threat Response, and usually have to wait days at a time for the lingering grossness of a slightly awkward phone call to work it's way out of my chest. That's what i'm coming for. i can describe what happened, how it affected me, how it Didn't affect me, what i think, what i feel, what i will do next time, and my whole emotional healing process - BUT i can't turn off my body's natural threat settings until Way after than they should have disengaged.

and despite being extremely clear and eloquent (i thought), and describing that sensation multiple times in different ways, it took THREE sessions before my psych blurted something like it out, and i latched into it and said 'YES!! THAT!! That is what i've been saying!' and he finally said 'oh! oh i'll change what i've set up, then'

and i have to do that every time. i feel like he doesn't respect my ability to understand my own body (which is something i've been receiving more and more from male practitioners in my town) and will only help me with the things i ask for if he can make it sound like he came to the breakthrough explanation for me. and even after that, he's altogether more interested in just getting me to act like how i imagine neurotypical people do at the end of a profound session than actually giving me any tools that could assist me.

i am beginning to think i am better off going to a trauma informed somatic therapist, but i wouldn't know where to find one nor how to tell if they are good.

please can anyone tell me what this is, what i might benefit from doing, and indeed if anyone else in the world has to deal with this and how u do

Why I believe that I may be an autistic adult woman that was mis/undiganosed

Hi so just a brain dump here, and I am hoping that this is recieved well. If not oh well, it in the internet.

Things that I had as a child with vivid memories:

Ive went through almost my whole life not understanding how people make and maintain friends. Especially multiple friends.

I spent hours, days, weeks, studying social interactions as a child. I would watch movies of women that I wanted to be like (primarily the princess diaries) and would try to copy and learn everything I could to be more likeable. I checked out books on how to have practice social things. I would sit in front of the mirror and practice my face and tone of voice.

I would spend a lot of time creating worlds in my head, living in wonderlands of tiny people that lived in stick homes that I built them outside, delivering food. Creating governmental type systems for them. I would believe that I would be better off if I lived in these worlds.

Deep desires for unusual hobbies of orgainzing over and over again. My poor mom's bookcase has been orgainzed so many times by color, catagory, alphabetized by title, size. Her bookshelf is still organized to this day the way that I left it.

I believed that Pokemon were real at the age of 9 and fully planned to move to Japan to become a pokemon trainer when I turned ten. The day my mother told me they weren't real I didnt believe her and then afterwards had a 7 hour breakdown consistening of crying while continually trying to prove that they were real.

I was always uncomfortable on outings. I wanted to stay home all of the time. I would become distressed at sudden changes to routine, and would beg my mother while crying to just stay home.

In school I would engage in what I suspect is stimming behavior that was self injurous. I would pull my hair out, suck my lips until they bled and painful, I would eat my hair, and bite my nails until they bled. I would chew on my lips until they were raw and swollen. I also chewed my clothing until almost second grade.

I had a strong ability to read beyond my grade level, but I have been diagnosed with dyscalculia.

I was fearful of everything, once I was older. I remember becoming hyperfocused on a zombie survival book and begging my parents to become doomsday preppers and let me practice baracading their windows.

Sensory issues with clothing, those seams in socks, holy fuck, felt like their were stabbing my toes.

Afrid, I ate maybe a variety of 12 different foods and drinks and that lasted until I turned 14. I was terrified of new foods, their smell, their texture. But specifically the smell would be enought to make my stomach hurt.

Abnormal walking. I would walk on my toes, and remember my mom training me for almost two weeks outside to walk flatfooted, and to swing my arms instead of keeping them like sticks at my sides.

My mom took me to the doctor for my "little quirks" as she called them mutliple times, for the doctors to tell her that I was fine and just a little weird. Even despite her worries I stayed unsupported. I had to go to an alternative high-school just to graduate because I was not able to understand everything being spoken during lectures. I was unable to follow along as well as my peers despite being ,"Gifted."

As an adult:

I still have to monitor my voice, face, body language and how people react to me. I find social interaction absolutely exhausting and refuse to do it for more than two social outings in a row, and the following weekends I will be avoiding everyone and everything. I hate wearing clothes at home and will strip as soon as I walk in the door to change into a snuggie. Ive spent thousands of dollars on crafting supplies that I become obsessed with and then no longer use. I can pick up creative skills in an unnaturally fast way just by watching a single youtube video. I have issues with fast burn out in jobs and I cry a lot after work. I study psychology for fun, reading studies on pubmed and learning facts about the brain, especially abnormally psychology. I have been told my voice is "robotic" and that I come off as "sacrastic" by important people in my life such as my bosses at jobs, teachers, and clients. I have issues understanding verbal instructions and prefer to have them wrote down. I flunked out of college when I started to have to take classes in person rather than online because I could not understand what the important parts of the lectures were and the unimportant. I socially camoflauge but I still prefer to be a bystander in social situations. I have never dated casually, and always prefer to be in fully transparent longterm relationships because I struggle to keep up an appearance of a fully functional person for very long before people I want to be close to start assuming that something might be off. I have a routine I follow, and if I deviate from it my emotional state makes a downward spiral. I am able to go to work, day in day out, but I have a terrible temper after work. I developed a smoking habit to soothe myself that I am now in the process of breaking. I still have eating distrider issues regarding eating enough, or a healthy balance of food. I become obsessed with certain foods and dips. I generally feel that I am out of control rather quickly and deal with it by doing a ton of cleaning routines or making big decisions to feel more in control. When I hit meltdown level I close off, cry a lot, I become angry when people try and talk to me. I prefer to not hear anything in these states and prefer heavy pressure like my fiance laying on top of me or to just hold me tightly and pet my hair. I listen to calming music and sing really loudly and probably way too loud rock music for someone with hearing loss. I struggle in interviews, I hate eye contact and will stare passed someone or at a wall instead of looking at others when I have decided that I no longer want to try and blend in. I struggle the most in groups, and usually choose to not speak and only laugh when appropriate.

I still prefer things are probably young for my age. I am 26 and I prefer sanrio, all pink, stickers, squishamellows. I collect rocks and obsess over certain aesthetics for hours. People in my life still believe I am gifted but I dont feel that way. I still feel like ive never been on the same wavelength as other people, I hate that people look for some weird fucking hidden meaning behind my words and look at my tone and face instead of just applying the meanings of words to my words.

I have all of maybe 2 friends that I have maintained, and I still go months sometimes without speaking to them.

I only started considering this as a possibility once my son was born and was diagnosed with autism. I started realizing how much of the things he struggles with are things I also struggled with, but in different ways. I doubt it is even worth getting diagnosed at this age because like, for what ya know?