#trying out new programs always makes me ACTUALLY physically sick but i gotta
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i get physically sick when i remember nico's internal monologues when he looks at will
#listen if this looks weird it's because i tried out csp again#trying out new programs always makes me ACTUALLY physically sick but i gotta#solangelo#nico di angelo#will solace#pjo#ryudoesart
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Whumptober 2020 - Day 31
And it is MIDNIGHT EXACTLY as I am posting this FINAL prompt! Thank you to everyone who has followed along and thank you to @whumptober2020 for putting on this awesome event!
Whumtober Challenge
Day 31
Alternate Prompt #11
Presumed Dead
It had been a long ass day.
Clint had come off a rough mission a couple weeks ago and was still working on getting back up to physically fit to return to active status as a SHIELD Agent and an Avenger. He had spent the entire day at the SHIELD base upstate working out and running training exercises to make sure he would be well prepared for his assessment in just a few days. He was sick of sitting around Avengers Tower and he felt like he was more than ready to get back into the field.
Clint could have stayed upstate on the SHIELD base, but over the last year and a half since the Avengers had moved into the Tower after the Loki incident, the Tower was finally feeling like home to Clint. And tonight Clint just wanted to be able to sleep in his own bed. So, he got in his car just after six o’clock in the evening and started the four hour drive back home.
He was about halfway home when his phone rang, interrupting his blaring classic rock music.
“Yeah?” Clint said as he answered the phone, not glancing at the caller ID.
“Hey, Clint, just checking in,” came Natasha’s voice over the line. “How did it go on base today?”
“It went fine,” Clint assured her. “I was able to run a couple extra training exercises than I had planned on. I’m a little sore, but I feel good about taking the assessment in a couple days.”
“Does that mean you’ll take it easy for a few days?” Natasha asked pointedly. When Clint was benched from missions he tended to get obsessive about getting back to active status.
“I think I can go back to just working out and training in the Tower if that’s what you mean,” Clint said cheekily, knowing that it wasn’t.
Natasha sighed heavily and Clint just knew she was rolling her eyes. “Are you staying on base tonight?”
“No, I wanted to come home tonight,” Clint said. “I’m actually driving back now.”
“How far out are you?”
Clint paused. There was something… off in Natasha’s voice. The question had come across just a shade too… demanding.
“I’m probably about an hour and a half or so out,” Clint said carefully. “Is everything okay, Nat?”
“Yeah, everything’s fine,” Natasha assured him, and all traces of the strange tone were gone. Had Clint just imagined it? “Just attempting to keep tabs on you since you’re here, there and everywhere these days. I’ll see you when you get back.”
“Yeah, see you in a bit,” Clint agreed before he disconnected the call, the bluetooth immediately switching back over to his blaring music.
Of the course of the next hour and a half, the odd conversation with Natasha slowly but surely slid to the back of Clint’s mind as he lost himself in the music. It was after ten o’clock at night when Clint was finally pulling into the parking garage underneath Avengers Tower. He gave a big yawn as he pulled his duffle bag out of the backseat and slung it over his shoulder. Then he trudged over to the elevator, blinking heavily as the exhaustion hit him hard now that he was no longer behind the wheel of a car.
When he got into the elevator, he instinctively hit the button for his apartment floor. But as the doors were closing, he changed his mind and hit the button for the common floor. He had skipped dinner that night and figured there were probably some leftovers he could snag from the communal refrigerator.
Clint stepped out onto the common floor to find that all the Avengers were gathered, and all looked at him when he entered. Clint hesitated, looking around warily at the serious faces that had all turned to him at the same time. The television wasn’t on, they had all apparently been just sitting around, which was odd for this time of night.
And then Clint spotted Nick Fury standing on the other side of the room, arms crossed as he leaned back against the wall behind him. That’s when Clint really knew something was wrong.
“What happened?” Clint asked as he let the bag slide off his shoulder and onto the floor.
“Why don’t you come sit down,” Natasha invited, her voice solemn.
Clint didn’t move, his eyes darting around the room once around. “Is this an intervention?”
The comment at least got a half hearted chuckle from a few in the room.
“It’s nothing like that,” Steve assured him, his tone light. “There’s just something we need to tell you, and we figured it’d be better if we were all together for it.”
“Okay,” Clint said slowly as he carefully started walking forward, completely baffled by the situation. What could possibly be going on that made everyone look at him like that?
“It’s nothing bad, I promise you,” Natasha said as he sat on the couch next to her.
“We’re just trying to find a way to do this that won’t immediately give you a stroke or a heart attack,” Tony input.
“Okay, just tell me what’s going on,” Clint pleaded.
“Nick,” Natasha prompted, looking over at Fury expectantly.
Nick Fury sighed heavily before he pushed himself upright off of the wall. “I want you to know, I never wanted to put you through this, Barton. It was never my intention. It made sense in the big picture, but I knew what it would do to you in particular and I hated it. And it was always my intention to tell you what happened… but there isn’t exactly a protocol for how to break this kind of news.”
“Okay, we gotta pull the ripcord here at some point,” Tony said pointedly.
“SHIELD had a program under Level 9 clearance called Project T.A.H.I.T.I.,” Fury went on. “Can’t imagine you’ve heard of it?” Clint only shook his head. “I cannot get into the details of the project, for obvious security reasons, but suffice it to say the goal of the project was to be able to heal wounds that otherwise would be fatal. It was designed to be able to save someone that would have otherwise been beyond saving. We’ve had mixed results from the project over the years, so when I called it into action a while ago, there was no guarantee that it would work. I didn’t want to get anyone’s hopes up.”
Clint’s head was spinning. “Fury, I’m going to be honest with you, I am dead tired and I have no fucking clue where you’re going with all this or even what any of it means.”
“Clint… Phil Coulson is alive.”
There was that ripcord that Tony had been talking about. It was like the world had fallen out from underneath Clint. His heart paused, twisted and then started pumping wildly and out of control. He suddenly felt like he wasn’t getting enough air and for some reason he couldn’t feel his hands. He was floating away, untethered to the earth any long as his reality was ripped apart.
Clint found himself shaking his head. “No… no… no, Phil is… he’s dead. I… I saw it. I saw the security footage. I watched… Phil’s dead. We… we buried him.” Clint looked around wildly. This was some kind of sick joke. But no one was laughing. Then was everyone else losing their minds? “He died, Loki killed him!”
“Clint,” Natasha said softly, placing a gentle hand on his shoulders. “I know how hard this is to get your mind around. I know how painful your mourning process was and how long it took for you to accept it. And I know that this completely destroys that entire process that you went through. But it’s true. Phil is alive. Fury managed to save him with Project T.A.H.I.T.I.”
“Phil Coulson was clinically dead when the med team arrived on the scene after Loki stabbed him,” Fury said, a little too clinically for Clint’s mental state at that point. “We were never completely sure that we would be able to bring him back. And even when we did, we were never completely sure we could successfully heal him. It was a day by day operation that lasted for months.”
Clint dropped his head into trembling hands. He shook his head. This wasn’t real. There was no way this was real. Maybe he was dreaming. Maybe this was another nightmare. He had spent months grieving the loss of his mentor and best friend. He had been completely shattered by Phil Coulson’s death. This man had taken him off the streets as a teenager and given him a purpose in life. He was the most stable person in Clint’s life, he was Clint’s anchor in the world. He was Clint’s family. Losing Phil had almost broken Clint.
It couldn’t be that easy to get him back. Could it?
“Clint?”
Clint head shot up so quickly that he just about pulled a muscle in his neck. He would know that voice anywhere. The figure had stepped in from an adjacent room and now stood there like a specter. Except he wasn’t. He was flesh and blood. He breathed and he smiled that comforting smile that Clint had always loved so much.
Clint was on his feet one moment, and then across the room the next. He threw his arms around Phil with such force that he almost knocked them both over. But it was at that moment it finally hit him. This was real.
Phil was alive.
“It’s okay, kid,” Phil soothed as hugged Clint back just as fiercely. “It’s okay.”
“You… you were… I thought you were…” Tears were now flowing freely down Clint’s face.
“I know,” Phil said gently. “I know. I’m sorry I couldn’t get back to you sooner. I just… we didn’t know how to tell you.”
He didn’t care. He didn’t care about anything in that moment other than the feeling of Phil’s arms wrapped securely around him.
He was home.
XxXxX
DISCLAIMER: I know this probably doesn’t fit in exactly with the events of the Agents of SHIELD tv show, I kinda tailored it to what I needed this prompt to do. Also, Fury deliberately leaves out important details about Project T.A.H.I.T.I. ;)
#whumptober2020#altno.11#presumed dead#Avengers#MCU#fic#clint barton#hawkeye#natasha romanoff#Black Widow#tony stark#Iron Man#Steve Rogers#captain america#Nick Fury#Phil Coulson#fanfiction#whump
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Initiation of Fire
Another chapter for my new modern AU NaLu serial Welcome to Fatherhood! (Last one for a while, so don’t get too excited) But yeah, that first week with a new baby? Crazy town. As in everyone feels like they’re on the edge of insanity - there’s a reason sleep deprivation is a method of torture.
💕💗💕
Natsu watched as Lucy frantically checked her books and online forums again to find out some clue as to why Layla continued to cry. They’d both been up all night, with Layla feeding and crying and refusing to sleep, rinse and repeat, and Lucy had worked herself up into an emotional wreck. He rocked his wailing daughter in his arms, making the shushing noise that usually worked, but she continued to cry.
Suddenly Lucy burst into tears. “I don’t know what to do Natsu!” she sobbed. Natsu moved over to her, stroking her back with one hand while he rocked Layla in the other. The sun was finally peeking into their bedroom window, signaling the beginning of a new day. A new day where they were all tired, exhausted and at their wits end. Something was gonna have to give.
“Luce, I want you to go have a shower, and then you’re gonna take a nap, okay.”
“What? No, I can’t do that while she’s crying Natsu! She needs me!”
“Of course she does”, he soothed. “But she needs a Mumma who’s clean and fresh and not headed towards crazy town from lack of sleep. I can hold the fort for a few hours.”
“But…”
“No buts, off you go.”
He headed over to the change table, grabbing one of the muslin cloths they used as a wrap and gently placed Layla down on it. She’d been changed just before Lucy had fed her twenty minutes ago, but he took a quick peek inside her nappy, just to be sure. All clean. Ignoring Lucy’s tearful protests, he wrapped his daughter up snugly in a muslin wrap so she resembled a tiny burrito the way the nurse at the birthing centre had shown him, then rocked her in his arms as she continued to wail.
“C’mon pumpkin, give your Dad just a tiny break here. Sleep is amazing. One of the best things - you really need to give it another try. If you heard someone say sleep is for the weak, they were lyin’. Sleep makes you strong, makes you grow.” He sighed as Layla continued to cry hysterically. “C’mon baby girl. Your Mumma is tryin’ so hard for you, really and truly. We all need to have a little sleep, and then everythin’ will look better when we wake up. I promise.”
He heard the sound of the shower, and he sighed even harder as he heard the sound of Lucy sobbing. This had been a hard week on her. It had been hard for him too, but at least he didn’t have physically recovering from the birth, as well as hormones and breastfeeding to deal with as well. Natsu had always thought of breastfeeding as something that just happened, but just like any skill, it was something that had to be learned. Poor Lucy’s bruised and battered nipples were a testament to the steep learning curve, but she’d stuck at it despite the pain, and things seemed to be settling down now on that front at least.
Was he doing enough to make sure Lucy was sleeping enough? When Layla woke several times a night, he would get up, change her quickly and then present her to Lucy so she could feed her. He tried very hard to stay awake while Lucy was breastfeeding, but sometimes he nodded off – there was something so amazingly peaceful about watching his wife feed his daughter.
He thought he’d loved Lucy before, but now… words really couldn’t describe how he felt – love didn’t seem enough. Lucy was so beautiful sometimes it took his breath away. He remembered the night before last, watching as she’d fed Layla, her blonde hair illuminated by the night light near the bed, cooing softly down at their tiny round cheeked baby girl.
His musing was interrupted when a still slightly tearful Lucy appeared from the bathroom, her damp blonde hair up in a ponytail, wearing clean shorts and a t-shirt. Her eyes were red rimmed, and she looked so very tired, more tired than he’d ever seen her. She did her best to smile for him, but he could see she was still feeling panicky.
“Natsu, thank you for looking after her while I had a shower. I’m feeling much better already. Why don’t you give Layla to me and go and have one too?”
Natsu smiled tiredly at her, continuing to rock Layla. “Nuh uh. That wasn’t the deal. Bed for you. She’s not due for another feed for two hours, so go sleep.”
Lucy bit her lip. “Natsu, do you think I’m a bad mother?”
“What? Fuck no!”
“It’s just… I’m her mother, I should know what’s wrong, I should just know! What if I’m not making enough milk and I’m starving her? What if I’ve eaten something that she’s allergic to? What if she’s getting sick, because I’ve missed something important?”
“Lucy”, he replied gently. “Just because your her mother doesn’t mean you need to know everything straight away, not anymore than I should because I’m her dad. We’re still learning, we’ll work it out okay? But right now, I want you to get some sleep, and then once you’ve had a rest and you’re feelin’ more like yourself, I’ll take a nap. I promise if I really need you, I’ll wake you up.”
“You promise?”
“Yup. Go sleep. Layla and I are just gonna go for a little wander around the hallway. Listen to some music, it’ll help you relax.”
He moved into the hallway and shut the bedroom door firmly. “Alright Layla - ‘Operation Sleepy Time Because Mumma and Dad are Going Slightly Cuckoo’ is commencing now. Ya gotta get with the family program pumpkin. You’re part of team Dragneel now, okay?” He heard a small giggle from the other side of the bedroom door. “That doesn’t sound like you’re sleepin’ Lucy! Get with the family program!”
The tiny girl wailed in Natsu’s arms, and he cuddled her closer as he walked up and down the hallway. He’d be panicking too if he weren’t so exhausted. He begun singing random nonsense, hoping that would calm their tiny week old daughter down. But it seemed like Layla was having none of it. Who would have thought such a tiny thing was capable of making so much noise? Their neighbours must love them right now.
He wished he knew what to do. Layla was warm, fed, burped, changed. They’d checked her fingers and toes to make sure there were no little threads wrapped around them from her onesie - a possibility that had not even occurred to them until Lucy had seen it suggested on an online forum. She didn’t have a fever. No nappy rash. He tried to think of things from Layla’s point of view. The world was probably still a scary place. Was she frightened? He smoothed his hand over his tiny daughter’s back, wishing there was some way he could communicate to her that she was safe and loved. So loved.
He couldn’t believe she’d been here for a whole week already, and that it was really only a week. How could he love someone so much when he’d only known them a week? He couldn’t wait until she finally smiled, laughed, called him Daddy. He was sure his heart would shatter and be remade with how much adoration he felt. But according to Lucy’s books, that first smile was still nearly a month or so away. And she definitely wasn’t smiling now.
He knew this would be hard, the first few weeks with a new baby. Everyone had told them, Lucy’s parenting books were full of warnings that the first weeks were hard, but living it was something else. And it made it even harder that his and Lucy’s parents weren’t alive anymore. He would give anything to be able to call his Mum and ask questions about whether he was doing things right, or if he’d done something similar when he was a baby, and he was sure Lucy felt the same. He pictured his Mum, her warm smile, her tight hugs. She would have loved Layla so much, and it didn’t seem fair that she had missed this, and that Layla wouldn’t have the doting grandmother she deserved. He sighed, shifting Layla in his arms so her tiny head was resting on his shoulder, his hand patting softly and rhythmically on her bottom.
“Hush little baby, don’t say a word, Papa’s gonna buy you a mockingbird. And if that mockingbird don’t sing, Papa’s gonna buy you a diamond ring. And if that diamond ring don’t shine, Papa’s gonna buy you a bottle of wine…” Wait, no that couldn’t be right. Although if someone offered him a glass right now…
His thoughts were interrupted by the shrill tone of his phone ringing. He wasn’t sure who would be ringing around breakfast time on a Saturday morning, but he didn’t want Lucy to wake up if she was finally asleep, so he moved quickly to the kitchen where his mobile was plugged into the charger, carefully tucking Layla into the crook of his arm so he had a free hand.
“Hello”, he said gruffly, hoping whoever was on the other end of the line could hear him over Layla’s cries.
“Hi Natsu.” Levy’s voice sounded annoyingly cheerful. “I just wanted to check in to see if today was a good day to pop around for a visit. I’ve got some casseroles that I made for you and… is Layla okay?”
Natsu sighed in relief. Levy was a mother. He could ask her questions. “She’s been crying and feeding all night Levy. Luce was exhausted, so I made her have a shower and take a nap, but… I don’t know if I’m doing this right. She won’t calm down, even though I’ve got her wrapped up, and that usually works, and I’m…” he gulped a little, realising he was starting to feel a little teary himself.
“Hey, it’s okay”, soothed Levy on the other end of the phone. “She’s a week old; she’s probably going through a little growth spurt. And sometimes a baby will cluster feed to increase their mother’s milk supply. You’re not doing anything wrong Natsu, neither is Lucy. It might last a day or two and then she’ll settle down again. It happened with the twins too.”
“God that must have been fucking awful”, groaned Natsu, rocking Layla as she whimpered in his arms. “How did you manage it with two! Lucy and I are barely surviving Levy – I know everyone said it would be hard, but…”
“Yeah, until you’re actually doing it, there’s no way to describe it is there”, said Levy sympathetically. “In fact, listen… I think Layla’s calming down. Keep talking to me, I think hearing you speak is helping.”
Natsu could have wept in relief. “Thank fucking Christ”, he whispered. “I’m so tired Levy. How’s Gajeel going at work? Is Erik working out okay?” He was there during the interview; he’d personally examined the guy’s portfolio, and was happy with it, but the tattoo parlour had been picking up business and could get really busy at times.
“It’s all good – they’ve had a few arguments, but everything’s calmed down now”, giggled Levy. “When Layla’s a bit more settled, you should pop in and see them.” Natsu grinned.
“Yeah, I’d like to do that, for sure. Whaddya think baby girl, would ya like to come and see Daddy’s work?” The tiny sleeping baby tucked into his arm nuzzled her head into the crook of his elbow, and he couldn’t help the single tear that rolled down his cheek. “She’s asleep.”
“Good work Natsu”, said Levy softly. “I’ll pop around after lunch with those casseroles if that’s okay?”
“Sure, sure”, answered Natsu softly. He walked slowly over to the big winged armchair near the lounge room window that they’d bought specifically for Lucy to feed their baby in, and sat down carefully. “I’m sure Lucy would love to see you. She’s been a bit down on herself this morning. Thinks she should know everything about bein’ a mum and she freaked herself out a bit. Can you talk to her?”
“Of course I can! I’d love to see her, and I can’t wait to give Layla another snuggle. You’ve got this Natsu. You’ve both got this, you’re doing great.”
Another tear rolled down Natsu’s cheek. “I… thanks Levy” he whispered, his voice cracking a little.
He could hear the smile in Levy’s voice. “It’s an initiation of fire, I know, but being a parent… there’s nothing better. Welcome to fatherhood Natsu.”
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Warning: 10 min read ahead :)
Coming into freshman year, I was relatively optimistic. However, I also did that thing where I prevent myself from having too strong of an opinion or extreme expectations (whether it’s positive or negative) before actually experiencing something, in order not to settle on a premature judgment. Even so, before starting freshman year, I was excited for a huge change - I was sick of mundane high school life. When I finally started college, man, was it liberating.
On Intellectual Development
I’d been taking more or less the same classes throughout high school. These classes covered the exact same topics - the only difference was the depth of the material. In college, however, I got to study a breadth of topics and subjects - astronomy, anthropology, information science, philosophy - subjects into which I barely dipped my toes, and when I did so, it was only through the books I read in my own time.
Choosing a liberal arts school is one of the best decisions I ever made because it exposes me to so many things I simply did not have access to in the earlier stages of my intellectual development. Like, yeah, I can read philosophy books whenever I want, but who will I talk to when I don’t understand an argument? How can I discipline my thinking, my writing, my approach to this new learning material? I can find any topic fascinating, but I can’t exactly set my mind on any of them because I haven’t had proper academic exposure. Plus, where high school humanities courses were easy and contained little engagement - just lots of material - the humanities courses I took in my freshman year of college got me thinking and reflecting and engaging with the material even when I didn’t intend to.
What I particularly enjoyed was the discussion sections in humanities courses. For those less familiar with the system, each course usually has a weekly discussion where students are split up into smaller classes and get to discuss anything related to the course material that week. I am not a naturally talkative or articulate person by any standard, let alone compared to Americans, so obviously these discussions were very challenging. But aside from helping me practice putting my thoughts into words and to interact verbally with academic material, these discussions did allow me to engage with the material in a way that I could not have alone, in a way that a STEM course probably could not be discussed.
My STEM courses, however, had their own merits. I very much enjoyed the project based, hands-on approach of most of the classes, especially when teamwork is involved. For my final project for a web programming and design course, my team and I got to make a website for an on-campus, student-run grocery store. For my intro CS final project, I got to code an entire game of alien invaders. This was so refreshing compared to the STEM courses I did in high school, where I was basically just learning the theory for 6 months, and then drilling past papers for the next 6 months. Theory in these STEM courses are also more involved and require more thinking, while high school science courses tend to be on the mechanical side.
College is also liberating because whenever I have the urge to understand something more deeply or find an ever-present curiosity sitting in the back of my mind, I can always enroll in a course or attend a lecture, instead of always being redirected to a predetermined course combination that doesn’t allow for intellectual exploration, and settling for an article, a youtube video, or a book instead. It’s an amazing feeling to always have a fountain of knowledge with which I can quench my intellectual thirst.
When it comes to learning things, I still have the same attitude as the wide-eyed freshman when I first came last fall. I kinda wish I had experimented more instead of jumping into my ‘intended major’, though. In my first two semesters here, I took astronomy, anthropology, comparative literature, computer science, economics, information science, mathematics, and philosophy, which is already quite a diverse course combination, but there are some other subjects I’d like to try out and definitely could have if I hadn’t settled for a major upon entering college. But wherever I end up - and I still have a year to decide - I’m sure I’ll choose something interdisciplinary and requires diverse ways of thinking.
On Paths (in Life, School, etc.)
The intellectual and academic rigidity of high school also kind of narrowed my scope for my own future. The courses and careers built into my head were the ones I was exposed to at school, at home, or in mainstream media. However, being exposed to all this new knowledge made me realize how little I’ve experienced - certainly not enough to determine where I’m going in life - and that it’s okay to not be sure of where I want to go.
There’s this perception that you should know where you want to be in the future by the time you turn 17 or 18 or whatever age you graduate high school, maybe even earlier if you take into account the college application period. But honestly, how realistic is that? I mean, it’s great if you discover your ‘passion’ early on in life, but then where’s your room to breathe? How can you explore the other joys life has to offer? How can be so sure that the path you’re on is the right one if you haven’t walked any other or even seen other possible paths?
College freed me from feeling like I need to be certain of where I was going. It freed me from trying to pursue a predetermined path based solely on my past academic experience, and instead focus on trying new things to build new experiences and knowledge that will evolve into a path that I enjoy every step of the way.
That also applies to choosing a major. I started out ‘wanting’ to do computer science - wanting being a loose term meaning something I thought I should do, based on my background, experience, academic strengths, and personality. But then I noticed myself being very impartial towards pursuing the major and just doing the minimum amount of work needed for the classes. I also took the minimum number of CS classes each semester because I was honestly not looking forward to them - and I didn’t particularly enjoy them when I took them.
It wasn’t the same with my Info Sci classes, for example, where I started early on projects just because they were enjoyable to do, even if they were challenging. I learned how to do certain things when they weren’t required for the class, experienced a good flow when doing the projects, actually came to class because I wanted to, had initiative when it came to group projects, made friends with people in the class who I didn’t know before taking it - I was just more involved in the class. Overall, I was more motivated to learn, and I think that’s the most important thing (maybe that’s just the ravenclaw in me, who knows).
On a smaller scale, you might be good at a certain subject in high school only to find out you’re suddenly incompetent in it and aren’t interested enough to push through it. I was a math person in high school - like I almost didn’t even have to try - but the two math classes I’ve taken so far in college were very challenging for me, and I suppose that’s a good thing because it allowed me to push my limits further and think about whether I enjoy the challenge.
Recently, I read that true happiness comes when you find problems you enjoy solving, and I think that’s a good ideology to help you choose the path you wanna take.
On Things that Spark Joy
This past year, I also found that I was a lot happier than in high school because I got to pursue the things that bring me joy, whether it’s in regard to academics as I’ve described above, extracurriculars, or things in my daily life.
I got to wake up at whatever time I wanted to and had breakfast how I liked - both in terms of food and whether I had my coffee at home or to-go, or example. I could change my physical appearance in ways that make me feel powerful and confident - in terms of clothing and hair and just how I presented myself in general. When I needed to breathe, I could walk around town or go down to the gorges. I could do my work when and where it was most convenient for me (most of the time).
With regard to extracurriculars, there were a lot of opportunities for me to try new things and continue doing the things I already love. I became a graphic designer for a cultural magazine, which allowed me to do one of my favorite things for a purpose towards which I’m happy to be working. My high school didn’t have any publications and had a seasonal need for graphic designers (mainly school events). I tried out for music groups, trained to be a DJ, watched and discussed films I wouldn’t have seen if it weren’t for Cornell Cinema, went to the concerts of bands that never come to Indonesia. I attended social events I was interested in, and skipped those that I didn’t want to go to, attended workshops, listened to guest lectures, etc. I hung out with people I enjoyed being around, instead of those with whom the only thing I had in common was physical location.
One of the things I’m still adjusting to, however, is the different dynamic of college friendships compared to high school friendships in that they’re more spread out in away - like you’d know a whole bunch of people but they don’t mutually know each other, and there isn’t really like a friend group. Maybe that’s just me. But either way, I also realized that my closest friends in high school took at least 3 or 4 years to go from merely a familiar face to people I’d call for four hours straight and send my sporadic thoughts to. So I guess I gotta be patient and have faith that with time, compatible and like-minded individuals will gravitate towards one another.
On Self-Discovery
Starting college also allowed me to be who I am and who I want to be as opposed to who people think I am and who people expect me to be. Whenever I decide to do something, I don’t have this fear of being ‘out of character’ since I haven’t entirely established who I am yet in the context of college. By doing things I've never done before, I learn things about myself that I probably could not have had I stayed in the same environment (i.e. high school).
Among other things, I noticed that if I don’t want to do something, I will deliberately sabotage myself to make it harder for me to achieve. On the other hand, if I want to succeed or do well in something, I’ll take initiative. That might seem obvious, but the thing is, I don’t always consciously know what I want or like so analyzing my own actions helps a lot. Because college exposes me to so many different material, there’s more data and information to work with, in which to recognize patterns.
A lot of the self-discovery that’s happened is personal, as it should be, but one of the things I’m really grateful for is taking that philosophy course the first semester of college. It made me reassess everything I knew and believed and decide on what values and thoughts I should keep.
I guess one thing I’d advise you to do is to experience new things and reflect on the impact of those new experiences. Sometimes it might not feel like you’ve done a ton of things after a whole year. I’ve had moments where I thought about all the things I thought I should have accomplished but didn’t, and I was like, ‘did I just waste an entire year doing nothing?’ But then I look back on the things I did do - took awesome courses, made amazing friends, got a job, learned to live on my own, etc. - and realized I gotta give myself a little more credit.
On Everything
Coming into college was a huge positive change. Something I wish I could tell myself at the beginning of the year is firstly not to fear making mistakes, so you won’t be afraid of trying new things. Keeping an open mind is great, but not entirely helpful if you don’t venture out into unknown territory to provide you with things to think about. Step out of your comfort zone and don’t be afraid to redefine yourself, but in all circumstances, don’t lose track of who you are.
If you’ve read this far, thank you so much! and please don’t hesitate to drop me an ask if you have questions or comments or concerns. Have an awesome day :)
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Fit
I don’t really like to show my body, but I’ve been feeling pretty good, so here. 😁
So ever since I graduated from residency and moved out of Oklahoma to New York, I’ve been attempting to stick to a healthier lifestyle. I really wanted to do something good for myself and help myself feel better.
I feel like there’s this horrible expectation that guys (especially gay guys) have to fit into this mold of constant gym time and flexing their muscles to prove their attractiveness, and I honestly think that’s kinda been a blight to the community. I’ve never been a superficial person and never felt obligated to fit into such a--dare I say it--stereotype. I will be honest, though, seeing pictures after pictures of all these--admittedly, hot, haha!--shirtless dudes everywhere, especially since moving to New York City, I’ve tricked myself into feeling pretty inadequate a few times. But that’s the thing. Who’s the judge of our worth and adequacy? I’d like to think the true judge is ourselves, not other people. We’re the ones who have to power to figure out where we fit, and we shouldn’t let other people take that away from us. And so I tell myself that whatever I journey I choose, it’s by my own accord and for my own benefit. Everyone is different. Everyone has their different priorities and aspects that are important to them. Nonetheless, everyone should love their body, regardless of size, shape, or color. Forcing ourselves to fit into some unrealistic expectation leads us to not love our bodies. But if we love our body enough to know we can make improvements so that we can be a better fit for ourselves, that’s really where the true power is. That’s always been my belief, and I stick to it.
During medical school and residency, I definitely felt like my health could have been better. Sitting in class and studying all day, skipping meals due to stress, losing sleep due to stress, and a constant sedentary lifestyle did not make me feel all that great. I was depressed a lot (granted my low activity level was not the main culprit, but it did not help), I felt sluggish a lot of the time, and I felt like I aged pretty quickly during those years of training as result of my mismanagement of my health.
But I made it through. Still alive and kicking. And now I’m living pretty a pretty good life here in a new city that I love. And when I landed here, I told myself that my health and happiness were going to be the top priorities. So I made a plan for myself and vowed to stick to it to the best of my ability, while also giving myself a bit of wiggle room, ‘cause that’s just the nature of my job to be unpredictable at times and put crimps in my plans. But I gotta say, I’ve stuck to my plan pretty well so far.
I went to the gym four times a week, even when I was exhausted after work or when I got home pretty late in the evening. Even when I got home at around 10:45 p.m., I’d rush my ass to the gym before they locked the doors at 11:00 p.m. Haha! I’ve been sticking to a pretty healthy diet, which is completely out of the norm for me, as I’ve never really done that before. Greek yogurt for breakfast, turkey sandwich for lunch, granola bar for a mid-day snack, and chicken, rice, and broccoli for dinner. Those are now my staple meals, and I actually don’t mind them at all. I thought I would, but I actually kinda like the constant routine. It makes cooking pretty simple. And I’ve been drinking water over anything else, and if you know me, that’s hella abnormal. Hahaha! I can’t even remember the last time I drank Dr Pepper (gasp). These days, I only treat myself to a soda (Dr Pepper is rare to find at restaurants in New York City) on the occasion I go out. And even then, I find myself really sticking to water, which honestly, I’m pretty proud of, ‘cause ya boy loves his carbonated sugary beverages. Haha! I stick to this healthy diet during the week, and then on the weekends, I treat myself to the wonderful New York City eats, because what the hell is the damn point of living here if I’m not going to enjoy all the delicious food, right? I don’t worry about macros or counting calories (Buddha forbid I ever start, ‘cause I feel like that’s just asking for unintentional weight loss, knowing my track record with math). I don’t have cheat days. If there are days during the week where I’ve had a rough day and want to indulge in some ice cream or order fast food or take-out, I’ll do it. My goal was never really to restrict myself or adhere to a stringent program. My goal was just to feel healthier, better, and happier. And sometimes, ya boy needs a pint of ice cream to make those things happen. Haha!
Then the pandemic hit and the gym in my building closed down and has yet to open. And for a good number of weeks, my ass was handed to me by the pandemic with having to work constantly and trying to save as many sick people as I could during the peak of the pandemic in New York. And during that time, I definitely let my health and wellness fall to the wayside and ended up focusing all my energy on taking care of my patients. And I definitely felt like I had backtracked a little bit during that time.
But then after things calmed down in New York City, I told myself that I would get back to it and refocus my energy on my health, because that was what was important to me. I didn’t wanna spend money on any gym equipment, ‘cause ya boy’s still very, very poor. And with the hope that, eventually, it would be safe to go back to the gym again some time in the near future, I didn’t wanna make any sort of unnecessary investment. So I got myself a yoga mat, downloaded this HIIT/body-weight training app that did not require any equipment, and allotted a little 4x4 space between my bed and dresser where I would work out four times a week. And after 6 months of lots of sweat (like, my god, I’ve never sweat so much before!), all sorts of different types of push-ups, ab exercises, supermans, and effing burpee-squat-jumps (whoever invented these should be tried for crimes against humanity), I’m still sticking with it and I’m pretty proud of myself with how far I’ve gotten.
I definitely have been feeling so much better these days. Working out actually has become one of the things I look forward to. Elle Woods was right about them endorphins. Haha! And the incremental improvements I’ve been seeing are always a plus. I mean, I’m not at thirsty thot twunk physique level (😂🤦🏻♂️) by any means, but that was never really the goal. Regardless, I’m pretty proud of myself. My chest isn’t completely flat anymore, my arms are starting to show some definition, and I see some abs coming in, hahaha! Most importantly, though, I’m happy with the way I feel, and I think that alone speaks volumes more than any physical gains can.
And I think that’s what I really want to say with this post. Forget societal expectations and pressures. Forget the magazines and posters and instagram peeps. Forget the stereotypes and stigmas. This year has been hard enough, and we shouldn’t subject ourselves to forcing our bodies to fit into these spots where we’re not comfortable. I don’t think that’s where our happiness lies. We ourselves need to discover where we fit, and that’s part of the journey. So here’s to all of us sticking to our own individual journeys and finding our own individual wellness!
Be fit. Be healthy. Be happy. And be free.
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Epilogue: Insomnia
I wasn’t really inspired by continuing Halloween fics (tbh, I think I’m not gonna finish those all by October because I’d prefer to make something I like to publishing something shitty everyday) today, so instead, I finished the next Stadium fic which has been in progress for way too long.
It’s an epilogue for the last chapter, and this time, from Richard’s POV with a nice flashback scene included. ^^
Epilogue: Insomnia
The petite figure was merging with the dark night and even though he tried his best, Richard couldn’t take his eyes off from the gorgeous silhouette - the one which had become so familiar over 25 years of knowing each other. After today’s unpredictable incidents though, Richard felt like he was looking at his old friend with brand new eyes - with a kind of vague yearning both in his heart and in his soul. The emotion made familiar lyrics to loop in his head:
Sehnsucht versteckt,
sich wie ein Insekt.
Im Schlafe merkst du nicht,
dass es dich sticht.
It was like an insect indeed - like an annoying, itching feeling inside he couldn’t shake off.
Sehsucht ist so grausam.
Richard could only wonder what was Paul now thinking of him - had he gone too far? He hoped they could talk all of this over as soon as possible. Sooner or later, he was sure that the uncertainty would make him crazy if he wouldn’t do anything about it.
Awoken from his thoughts by Paul’s waving and then making his way to the backyard, Richard knew he had to leave as well. It was indeed a bit weird to stalk his bandmate from the car at midnight, even though how pleasant it had been. For a second, Richard had considered that should he follow Paul and ask still the one last time what was going on. His friend hadn’t been behaving like himself at all even though he had been assuring that everything was fine. These moments, Richard hoped to have the superpower to read minds. It would have made the situation way less complicated and wouldn’t have left him with all the questions.
The journey back home went on automation - even if there would have been police on the road, Richard wouldn’t have noticed anything. So many thoughts and concerns were revolving around his head that it was difficult to focus on anything that was going on outside.
Richard collapsed on the sofa with a huge sigh when he had finally reached his destination. His eyes were heavy as lead, but he couldn’t fall asleep. Instead, he tried his best to keep himself busy by putting the tv on maximum volume and lighting up probably the millionth cigarette today. Luckily, there was nobody complaining about smoking inside now.
A lady on the tv’s reality show was weeping when she had been voted out from his team, but Richard didn’t get what was going on in the mindless program even though his eyes were fixed on the screen.
Oh, Paul Landers, you sweet, sweet man, what have you done to me?
He tried to make sense of his feelings: what on earth had actually happened today? Of course, he knew the script very well: they had agreed to make this one little kiss on the stage, meant to be an innocent act. He and Paul were at first pretending it was nothing, no big deal - hell’s, they had performed embarrassing and awkward stuff together several times before. In the end, it had taken forever, and finally, when they’d had the courage to actually make it happen, Paul had fainted. Richard didn’t like that something he’d done had made his friend to feel sick.
Richard had been scared to death - in the worst scenarios in his mind he had thought that Paul wouldn’t have woken up anymore or would have had amnesia. What a nice start for a tour it would have been.
Holy shit.
And even more disturbingly, even though how sorry he was for Paul, he didn’t want to admit how much he had enjoyed the situation. Like a lively gif image, Paul with raised eyebrows, lurking him in, was looping in his already way too messed head. Richard had been sober as a judge the whole day, but still, a dizzy feeling was distracting him constantly - like he’d been drinking nonstop for a week and didn’t really know what was going on anymore. How could he make this to stop? Could he live his normal life, to proceed with their band and their tour, when he was having painfully strong feelings like this?
What if he hates me for the rest of his life because of this? At least he talked with me afterward, but what if he was just pretending, just being polite? Have I ruined everything now?
Nothing made sense anymore.
Despite all of this vague mess, from one thing Richard was completely sure: that thing which was painful to admit, yet so self-evident. It had been clear as a day for a long time, but he had tried to push the feeling away. So far, he had managed pretty well, but something about today had revealed it once again.
Love. The sweetest, yet the most hurtful word known in mankind - and he had been in love for so long now that it almost hurt physically.
The target of his desperate love wasn’t the easiest one indeed: his long-time friend, colleague and almost like a brother, their relationship slowly, but steadily developing and changing. Richard had tried to avoid thinking about it too much - he was totally sure that Paul wasn’t interested in him in that kind of way and their semi-romantic moments had been just playing in his friend’s opinion. Because Richard had always been a person who wasn’t ashamed of physical proximation - Till was still reminding him occasionally from that interview in which he’d hugged the poor girl when she had asked how Germans express their feelings - he had so far managed to use the trait as his excuse when something he’d done had raised questions.
But, of course, he couldn’t keep lying forever - neither to himself nor to others. Richard was totally sure that their bandmates - especially Till, whose eagle eye didn’t seem to miss anything - had started to suspect that there was something going on between the two guitarists.
Richard wrapped himself tightly in a blanket. He wished he would have been a chameleon and could blend into the sofa material - disappear from this planet and from all the conflicting human behavior and feelings.
He closed his eyes and tried - almost forced himself - to think about anything else, but the only thing that came to his mind was Paul.
P-A-U-L
A simple word, with four letters, but yet, the word which was capable of doing nasty things inside him. The word which had been the theme of his way too lively, even sensual, daydreams.
Sigh. Paul was so close to him, yet unreachable.
While being in a dream-like state, random memories and thoughts about his dearest bandmate looping on, the cinema of his mind sent him suddenly back to the early 90’s - back to the very first moment which had led to this eventually. At least it was something else than Paul with a kissing face, thank God.
The slightly moldy scent of their rehearsal room in the basement was still so vivid, even though it was already decades from that fateful night when Paul Landers had stepped into Richard Kruspe’s life.
“You gotta be kidding me,” Richard snorted. “Where on earth is this ‘second guitarist’ of yours you promised? It seems like he’s only in your imagination.”
“He promised to come, so we’ll wait,” Till said, trying to calm their edgy guitarist down.
They had been expecting the possible new player to show up at 6 pm - the clock on the wall showed it was 6:30 already. The lingering was especially difficult for Richard who had already earned his reputation of being an exaggeratedly strict and punctual person. “A perfectionist, straight from the infernal flames of Hell,” like Schneider had described.
“Flake knows the guy from their earlier band, and he assured he’s gonna be trustworthy,” Till said and was about to continue while the keyboardist shouted behind him: “He’s just really bad with schedules. I know him, he’s a gifted musician and a nice person. We should give him a chance. Let’s don’t judge him by this, ok?”
But Richard wasn’t convinced. He was always uncertain about meeting new people - he thought they could be a threat to him. “You really think so?”
“Let’s just be patient. I’m sure he has a good explanation for the delay,” Flake replied. He didn’t want to start an argument now.
“And why do we need a second guitarist anyway?” In Richard’s nightmares, the new guy would take his place and act as a bandleader - or even worse, be more gorgeous than him.
As usually, Schneider started to get annoyed at their guitarist. “You know very well that our riffs are so plain that we need something more. And, it’s always nice to have a new perspective as well. I agree with Till and Flake, we should wait and see who this guy is. If we don’t get along, we can dump him and that’s it. Not necessary to make so much drama out of this.”
The percussionist’s straightforward style of expressing opinions was unbearable for Richard. Till had joked that they often resembled two roosters having a fierce cockfight when they were arguing over which one of them was right.
“…you claim that I’m the one making drama?” the guitarist lashed out and approached Schneider, leering him. Every single time that particular gaze made the drummer uncomfortable. “Last time when I checked, it was this guy, who we don’t even know yet, who hadn’t kept his promise, so piss off for accusing me!”
“W…hat?” Schneider was so shocked about the insult that he froze for a moment.
When he had finally gathered his thoughts and was about to say something against, the guitarist was quicker and announced: “Screw this, I’m gonna have a smoke. Please let me know when this imaginative creature comes. If he doesn’t appear, I’m going home. I have more important things to do than to wait for him ‘til the end of the world.”
At the same time, while Richard was yelling, Schneider’s mom arrived with a bunch of freshly made sandwiches and beercans in her hands. She startled when they almost bumped into each other with the guitarist who was rushing outside.
“Hallo, wie geht es dir?” she asked with a sweet voice when she stood in the middle of their basement, now changed into her son’s and his friends’ rehearsal room.
“Gut, gut…we are Mama quite busy here now…”
Even though they all were adults already, Herr and Frau Schneider wanted to treat their son’s friends as a part of the family. The drummer thought it was embarrassing while the rest accepted offered food and drinks with pleasure - none of them showered in money, so they welcomed all free stuff they could get.
But Richard wasn’t interested in snacks now. He preferred to pout alone, enjoying his smoking moment.
The guitarist had pondered the band’s future quite a lot. Even though it seemed pretty promising, he doubted it now and then. Did this make any sense at all? Everyone around him had all of his life claimed that he should get a degree and get a real job - get a normal, adult life. He should take his head out of the clouds and be responsible. In a weak moment, when nothing had seemed to work out in his life, he’d been convinced that maybe he’d really been wrong. Maybe he should try this “adult life” thing. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad after all. Not his dream, but a way to adapt to society, to make himself accepted - the first time in his life.
But all those doubts had vanished into thin air when he met Till Lindemann - a sensitive poet, who seemed to understand him completely even though they were so different as persons. What had brought them together were the crazy visions, the lust for life: the lust for being an artist and not to give a shit about what the others were thinking.
Richard knew in his heart his real dream: to express himself and to be respected by what he was doing. For Christ’s sake, life was too short not to be lived to the fullest, and music, that was his whole life. It was the torch of creativity he had to feed regularly - otherwise, he would slowly and painfully perish.
He sighed and looked at the sky, trying to blink back tears. The last thing he wanted now was to weep like a baby.
The sensitive thoughts didn’t have a chance to last for long though because they were interrupted by a distant, loud rattle - it sounded like somebody had made an orchestra out of pots and pans. Richard was sure it was the neighbor’s kids goofing around and didn’t mind about it so much at first.
But the noise kept getting closer and closer to the house - seemed like kids couldn’t have been blamed for it anymore.
Richard rubbed his eyes. What in God’s name is it?
The question got its answer in a minute when Richard saw a small cycling figure approaching the house with a huge guitar bag.
The figure - now Richard could see it was a blond man, probably around his age - stopped and so did the cacophony. “Is this…Christoph Schneider’s house?” he asked, still panting from the cycling.
“Yes.”
The incognito man smiled so brightly that it almost seemed like the whole dark street was suddenly lighted up. “Wunderbar! So umm, this band about Stein…something is rehearsing here, am I right?”
“Rammstein, yes.”
“Then I’m in the right place! And I’m terribly sorry I’m late, there was a huge traffic jam and I got stuck. Also, I didn’t realize this place was on the other side of the city.”
Richard didn’t reply anything - he kept staring at the distance, busy with smoking. Seemed like their new guitarist had finally appeared. He wasn’t sure, was he ready for this.
The guy left his wrecked bicycle - Richard could only wonder, what kind of torture the poor vehicle had been going through - in front of the house and with his guitar bag, came back to the other man. “So, we finally meet, I’ve been looking forward to this! Flake has told me so much about the new band project of yours. I’m Paul Landers,” he said and offered his hand.
But Richard acted like he had forgotten completely how human interactions worked. “Let’s go inside,” he answered nonchalantly to the other man’s friendly gesture. Paul almost had to run to keep up with his pace.
Finally, they both were in the basement and when Schneider’s mom saw there was a new guest in their house, she hurried to get a sandwich and a beer for Paul as well.
All of the band - except for Richard, who was still acting grumpy - greeted the new musician and with Flake, they hugged: it was nice to reunite after playing in the same band for so long.
“Okay, so what kind of music do you guys play?” Paul asked while munching his bread.
“It’s a bit difficult to explain. Maybe we’ll just play something and you’ll make your own opinion,” Flake answered.
“Do you want to hear the lyrics first?” Till asked.
“Yeah, sure.”
“Okay, we have one completed song and it’s called Herzeleid.” Till looked at their possible new guitarist’s curious face and continued: “The other guys composed and arranged it and I wrote the text. Let us know what you think of it and please be straightforward, if it’s completely Scheisse.”
He cleared his throat and started to read the text out loud:
“Bewartet einander vor Herzeleid,
denn kurz ist die Zeit die ihr beisammen seid.
Denn wenn euch auch viele Jahre vereinen,
einst werden sie wie Minuten euch scheinen.
Herzeleid
Bewahret einander vor der Zweisamkeit.”
When Till had finished his recitation, nobody said anything for a while. The singer got a bit uneasy. “Yeah, well…I know the lyrics are a bit cheesy, I’m not sure from where they actually came from…” He knew very well that the text told about his own recent painful break-up, but he didn’t want to open up about his love life now.
Paul stood up and gave Till the brightest smile possible. “No need to worry, it was beautiful! Very heartbreaking and melancholic. You truly are a talented writer.”
Till wasn’t sure was the new guy flattering or did he really mean what he said. “Danke…”
“I’m curious to hear the whole song while already the lyrics sound so awesome.”
Richard was in a mood for challenging. “We are here to play so just grab your guitar and start.”
Paul took the last sip from his beer and said: “Yeah, sure, but can I get the chords or some kind of instructions? And is there a second amplifier somewhere? I couldn’t take mine on my bike.”
He expected to get at least some guidance, but to his surprise, there was none - Richard just started playing the heavy riff without even bothering to look at their new possible bandmember.
Okay, did I say something wrong, or is this how this band usually works? Well, if I want to be in, I just have to adapt, Paul thought, and with Flake’s help, got another, smaller amplifier. He tried his best to mimic the chords by ear and occasionally trying to stalk the lead guitarist - it was quite impossible though when he seemed to have turned his back from Paul on purpose.
Even though with all his best effort, Paul could hear he sounded like absolute bullshit. His precious instrument had turned into a torture machine - he could have never imagined he could create discords so horrible.
When the song ended he didn’t dare to look at anyone - maybe they had supposed that he would have had a perfect pitch and were now disappointed. He’d made them wait and it had ended up being a failure.
Scheisse.
Paul thought that maybe it would be best if he’d pack his things up and leave without saying anything. The cocky guitarist of this band seemed like he knew what he was doing so why he should be bothered any longer.
Till came next to the new player when he saw that he was visibly disappointed. “Es tut mir leid, Reesh isn’t the easiest person to deal with, he takes this band death seriously. It’s nothing personal against you,” the singer whispered so quietly that Richard couldn’t hear.
But Paul wasn’t convinced of the soothing words and continued with his packing. “C’mon, you have to admit that I sounded like shit.” He stopped for a while and nodded towards the lead guitarist. “I can see from his face that he’s unsatisfied. He probably hates me already. Maybe it’s better that I leave and you continue while you still have a good start here.”
Till tried his best to be supportive and explained: “None of us is a professional musician, so no worries. You at least tried your best. The only problem was that our little diva didn’t bother to tell you that the song is in drop D tuning. Let’s try again.” He squeezed the new player’s shoulder gently like begging him to stay with them.
Paul sighed. “Okay, one more time then.” Even though he was disappointed to himself he had an instinct that he should give it a try.
He grabbed his guitar back from the floor. “Let’s play.”
He didn’t know at that moment that the decision changed the band’s path completely.
After the surprisingly successful band practice, everybody had left except for the two guitarists who were having the last smokes before heading home.
“I really like what you have here. It seems promising and I’m more than happy to be a part of it. I can only imagine what we will achieve together.” He didn’t think that the band would get very popular - it was technically impossible to be world-famous with dark German lyrics and simple, aggressive riffs. At least he hoped they could record some albums and have small tours around Germany. To have fun and create art with a bunch of guys who seemed quite nice already.
To his utter surprise, the other man said unexpectedly: “I have to admit that you weren’t so bad at all in the end.”
“R-really?” Paul didn’t know his fellow guitarist so well yet, but he seemed very picky. Even this small kind of compliment must have been a huge thing from him.
Richard nodded. “After you figured the song out, you played just fine. I’m looking forward to what we can achieve together as well.” He turned and the first time that night looked at Paul straight in the eyes. “You passed the test. Welcome to the band.”
The target of the small compliment tried to act as casual as he could even though his heart started pounding disturbingly rapidly. He didn’t have any clue what this “test” he had just passed was, but it sounded nice to hear he had succeeded.
Paul cleared his throat and said: “One thing bothers me still though.” He came a bit closer and continued: “We didn’t say hi properly and actually, I haven’t even heard your whole name yet.”
Richard stared at the offered hand for a while, but finally - to Paul’s surprise and relief - he took it. “Richard.”
Paul couldn’t hide his smirking - the other man had announced his name so comically officially like he would have been the most important person walking on this earth. “Richard, who exactly?”
“C’mon, do you now want my social security number as well or what? Very well then, it’s 705…”
“What on earth you think I’d do with your social security number?” Paul interrupted even though he had to admit that he liked the new acquaintance's sarcastic sense of humor already. “Just that it would be nice to know the full name of the guy, whose band I’m apparently in now.”
Richard straightened his back and with another firm handshake, announced: “Richard Zven Kruspe, nice to meet you.”
“Paul Heiko Landers, pleased to meet you too.”
Richard knew from that moment he would never forget the name - the bond had been formed for eternity on that fateful night.
He sighed. Till death do us part, mein Paulchen.
#rammstein#richard kruspe#paul landers#flake lorenz#till lindemann#alternative band history#alternative first meeting#fanfiction#my fics
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Helping Hand
A little fic for @atalana, who was in the mood for some pre-canon Keith. So I decided to give you a bit of Garrison-era bonding time with Big Brother Shiro.
Read on AO3
“Keith?” came the voice that startled him out of his sleep. Keith whipped his head up, pink indents on his cheek from the buttons of the calculator on top of which he’d fallen asleep, and came face-to-face with a familiar set of concerned gray eyes.
"Hey Shiro," he said through a yawn. ”You scared me.”
"I noticed” Shiro said. “What are you doing here?”
"Homework. It’s the library.” Keith gestured toward the books and papers spread out before him on the desk. “What else would I be doing?”
“How long have you been here?” Shiro asked as he slid into a chair across from him and frowned down at the empty coffee cups in front of him. “And since when did you start liking coffee?”
Keith rubbed at his eyes and tried to blink them into focus. “I don’t really, it just - it keeps me awake.”
Shiro raised a brow. “So when I showed up, you were just resting your eyes?”
“No, but - but they worked for a while...”
“Hmm.” Shiro’s eyes scanned the study materials spread across the table. “What gives, Keith? How much homework do you have?”
“I’ve finished all the stuff I’ve got due, actually,” Keith answered. “I’m just, um, studying.”
“Got big tests coming up?”
“Well, um…”
“Did you get any sleep at all last night, Keith? Because you sure don’t look it.”
Keith just shrugged in answer, and Shiro folded his arms on the desk and leaned toward him. “Nightmares?” he asked softly.
“No.”
“Feeling sick?”
“No. Just studying.”
“Huh. Well, it sounds like you need a break,” Shiro said. He reached out to put his hand on the book right in front of Keith and inched it toward himself. “What say you head to your dorm for a nap?”
Keith swatted Shiro’s hand away and pulled the book back. “No thanks,” he muttered.
Shiro’s frown deepened. “All right, well, even if you don’t wanna sleep right now, you should at least take a little break from studying. Wanna pack up your stuff and - ?”
“No, I’m good.”
“Keith, you really need to - ”
“I need to study.”
“Why?” Shiro demanded. “If you’ve already finished your homework and you don’t have any tests coming up, and finals are still over a month away…”
Keith shrugged again. “So sue me for wanting to keep my grades up.”
“Your grades are fine.” Keith dropped his gaze and shrank into his chair, and Shiro furrowed his brow. “Wait, your grades are fine, aren’t they? Did something happen?”
Keith mumbled a reply, too low for Shiro to hear him, and he had to prompt him to repeat, still barely audibly, “I bombed a quiz.”
“Oh…”
“In physics. I - I got a D.”
Shiro hummed in sympathy. Another glance toward the textbook in front of Keith, and to the title at the top of the page, told him that it was ‘General Physics: Mechanics and Particle Dynamics.’ Made sense. Pretty much all the Garrison students who weren’t on the engineering path tended to struggle with physics. “Been there,” Shiro said. “Flunked a couple of assignments in that class my first year too. I can ask Matt to help you study for the next one if you want, he used to be a big help to me.”
“Okay…” Keith said quietly.
“Don’t you fret about it, bud,” Shiro said with a small smile. “One bad grade isn’t going to kill you.” Keith remained quiet, and Shiro used the silence to look at some of the other surrounding books and notes. “You had homework in all these classes?”
“Um, not all of them. Just, uh, figured it was worth brushing up on them.”
“Stars and Stellar Systems,” Shiro read aloud. “I thought you were basically top of that class?”
“Well, yeah, but, um - ”
“English composition, biology… Keith, uh… it’s not that I don’t admire the work ethic, because I do, but - what’s up? You don’t need to be cracking down this hard right now. You’ve been doing fine.”
Keith shook his head. “No, that’s the thing, I haven’t been. The quiz - ”
“One bombed quiz isn’t gonna kill your grade,” Shiro said. “And we can work on the physics, get Matt on board. If you want, I could ask your teacher about extra credit or a make-up test or - ”
“No,” Keith snapped, a sudden ferocity in his voice and his face falling into a glare.
Shiro blinked in surprise. “Uh… okay, we don’t have to. I just thought, if you were worried about your grade…”
“I just have to study harder, that’s all,” Keith said. “I don’t need you pulling any strings for me, okay?”
“All right, Keith, that’s fine, I was just trying to help.”
“Why, what, you think I can’t do it on my own?!”
A pause of silence rang between them, before Shiro took a deep breath and asked, “Keith, is something else bothering you, besides the bad quiz?”
“No,” Keith said, crossing his arms and glaring down at his book.
“Hm. You know, Keith, you’re pretty talented at a lot of things, but lying isn’t one of them.” Shiro stood from his seat and moved to a chair on the other side of the table, so he was sitting beside Keith instead of across from him. “You can talk to me if something’s on your mind.”
Keith stayed quiet. Under his crossed arm Shiro could see Keith’s thumb moving, running back a forth over his curled forefinger, his own little nervous tic. “If there’s anything I can do to help - ”
“No,” Keith said softly. “Please, just - stop helping.”
“... Keith, is that the problem? You think I’ve been, what, helping you too much?”
Keith gave a little shrug as his answer, and Shiro sighed. “Keith, I - I’m sorry, if I’ve been a little overbearing. I never meant to smother you or anything. I just - well, I just want to see you succeed here, that��s all.”
“I know.”
“But if having me help you out has been bothering you…”
“It’s not - I mean - I - ” Keith took a deep breath. “I just need to… prove that I can do it on my own.”
“Prove to whom? Me? Yourself?”
“No, um, to - well, um - ”
“Yeah?”
Keith squirmed in his seat before he quietly continued, “Everyone still thinks that I only got into the Garrison because you put in a good word for me. And they think the only reason I’m still around is that you cover for me when I mess up.”
“Keith,” Shiro said softly, “You know full well that that’s not true.” Again, Keith was quiet, and Shiro furrowed his brow as he set a comforting hand on the younger boy’s knee. “You do know that’s not true, right?”
“I - I - I just want to make sure I can - I can actually do this. Without your help. Without you and Matt and Adam and Commander Holt. But - but I know I screw it up sometimes, and you’ve always gotta help when I do, so I just have to… not screw up.”
“And… that’s why you’re studying so hard right now?”
“I guess.”
Shiro drummed his fingers softly against the surface of the table for several moments, as Keith kept silent, head down. Finally, Shiro spoke. “Keith, do you know what a ‘support system’ is?”
Keith looked up. “Um…”
“It’s a network of people that help a person by, well, supporting them. Practically or emotionally.”
“Oh. Um, okay?”
“And everyone deserves to have one. It’s the whole ‘no man is an island’ thing. You shouldn’t have to get through life on your own. And when you reach for a goal like being a pilot for the Garrison, you can’t go it alone. That’s why you’ve got a crew with you, you know?
“I know that a lot of this is still, um, new to you, Keith. But letting other people help you, and have your back - it’s not cheating. It’s a good thing. Everyone here at the Garrison is getting help in some way or another. Whether it’s tutoring or dealing with stress or financial help or getting to be social or - well, anything. You’re not doing anything by accepting help that all the other students here aren’t doing too.
“You deserve the help, Keith. And it doesn’t make you any less of a good student, or a good pilot. Trust me. I’ve got some sway around the Garrison, sure, but me putting in a good word for you wouldn’t have been enough to get you into the cadet program if you weren’t capable of succeeding in it. Which you are. Needing some help along the way isn’t going to change that.”
Keith stayed quiet after Shiro finished, so the older boy pushed his chair back and stood, stretching. “Welp, I guess I shouldn’t distract you anymore. I’ll let you get back to your studying.”
He turned away, but was stopped by a hand on his sleeve. “Um, Shiro?” Keith said.
“Yeah?”
“I actually, um… I think I’m done studying for now. I should - I should probably take a break.”
Shiro smiled. “Good idea, kiddo.”
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All I Ask of You Pt. 34
“I can never go back, never look back anymore” - “I Can Do Better Than That” from The Last Five Years
Pairing: Peter Parker x Female OC
Word Count: 2.4k
Summary: They’re going back to Seattle!
Warnings: Idk rushed writing????
A/N: So we’re getting to the last stretch of stuff before the end of the story! And if that’s the real truth then this would be the first story I’ve ever finished???? Anywho I may have this done around when Endgame comes out! As always, I love feedback and my masterlist is in my bio!
After nearly a week of preparations, Annie still hadn’t seen her new suit. Harper was insisting on keeping it a secret until they got to Seattle. It left Annie apprehensive, but excited all the same. While there was plenty to worry about, Annie finally took the time to realize that it wasn’t her job to be worried.
It wasn’t her fault that Carnival was going crazy all over New York, he was the one who managed to follow her. Just like it wasn’t her fault that Tony was possibly her biological father. At least, that was what she had learned thanks to the therapy session she’d gone through in the last week.
While she wasn’t sure she wanted to admit it, there was something that Annie loved about therapy that she just couldn’t get from everyone else. It was the one time she was finally sat down and given the chance to sort out her thoughts. Obviously the bad dreams and overall declined mental state weren’t going to be fixed by a few therapy sessions. There was a lot to be done, but Annie didn’t mind that as much.
“You know, I’d wager that you didn’t finish this suit until last night and that you knew this was going to happen,” Annie said, shrugging a bit as they piled into a small private plane.
Harper rolled their eyes, “Whatever you say, but it’s so awesome that it’s getting its own space in the tiny overhead bin. You’re so going to love this!”
“Look, you guys can keep bickering over the new suit, but I’m trying to figure out why we can fly to Seattle but we had to drive here in the first place,” Ned interjected, sitting down.
Harper shrugged, “Who knows, I definitely don’t.”
“Different modes of transportation makes it less likely for you to be tracked. No one’s going to think we’d be in Seattle if we’re operating over here,” Tony explained.
Peter sat down, “You know, I didn’t mind the road trip too much.”
“Says the person who got car sick on the way,” Annie pointed out, sitting next to him.
Tony and Pepper sat a little bit away from the teenagers who were quickly getting into a conversation about whether or not the road trip qualified as a good time. It was clear Harper was the most adamant about their distaste on being stuck in a car for the better part of a week. Which quickly turned into Annie trying to figure out more about her new suit.
“Is it mostly white or is it mostly silver? And if it’s silver is it too flashy?” Annie pressed.
Harper laughed, “You’re acting like I would let you walk out looking like a human disco ball. I would never do that to a friend!”
“But it has both colors! And more, it’s so awesome and I think you’re gonna love it!” Ned exclaimed, “Like there’s this one part that-”
“Ned, shut it! I want her to be surprised! It’ll be way more satisfying to see Annie freak out over it in around… well I don’t know how much time, but it’ll be worth it,” Harper claimed.
Peter shook his head, “I’m with Annie, I definitely think you guys didn’t have it done until last night.”
“See? It looks fishy! Thanks, Pete,” Annie said, wrapping an arm around his shoulders.
Harper sighed, “You know what we’re gonna have you two do?”
“Hm?”
“Annie, you’re gonna take your boyfriend on a date today and show him around the city. Ned and I are gonna take care of my parents. This way, you two can get out all your annoying PDA and it’s all good,” Harper replied.
Ned laughed, “I don’t think that’s gonna do it.If anything, I feel like it's just gonna make them worse."
"Well, that's rough. I don't have to deal with it when we get back. I'm going to a totally different school from you guys," Harper responded.
Ned pouted, "You wouldn't just leave me alone with them like that, would you? That's so mean!"
"Well, when you put it that way... yes, I would definitely leave you to deal with them on your own. You can take it!" they said with a wink.
Annie rolled her eyes, "You know Peter and I hear everything you're saying, right?"
"You know you guys are so cute it's painful to watch, right?" Harper retorted.
It didn't take much time for them to reach Seattle. Odds were, it was the shortest plane ride Annie had ever been on. Granted, she had only needed to fly once and that was from moving to New York. She seemed to be the one that was waiting for the plane to land. Her nose was pressed against the window, trying to catch a glimpse of something. Though, there wasn't anything to be seen through the clouds.
Peter shook his head, "I don't get it, it's so cloudy."
"That's the best part!" Annie replied excitedly.
He tilted his head to the side, "Yeah? Why's that?"
"I mean, it's almost always cloudy and then it gets rainy and the smell of the rain, that's freaking amazing! And then it's cloudy, but not, like, an oppressive cloudy? And then it gets sunny sometimes, but not so much that it's obnoxious. I don't know... it's just home," Annie explained, turning to face him.
Peter kissed her forehead, "You should get excited like that more often, it's cute."
"Okay, we've had enough of the cute coupley thing, let's get you to see this suit!" Harper exclaimed, rushing off of the plane.
Ned grinned, "It's so awesome, you don't even understand what kind of work we had to put into this thing. It is the best science project I've ever had to work on."
"Meaning we failed. A lot. That's why it took a hot minute, but it was so worth it because you're going to flip your shit, come on, we gotta show it to her!" Harper called out, hoping that would make Tony and Pepper hurry up.
Tony and Pepper eventually got off of the plane, "Well, we can't exactly do that right now. We gotta find somewhere private. Remember how we don't want anyone thinking that there's any reason to suspect us of doing anything?"
"Also meaning that we just don't want anyone thinking that I have powers. Do you guys know how rough that'd be if people figured out I was just born with crazy energy and electricity powers? I'd probably get imprisoned by the government and be forced to live out the rest of my days as a living physics equation," Annie pointed out.
Pepper raised an eyebrow, "Where'd you get that from?"
"Can't trust the government, obviously," Harper explained.
Annie nodded, "And it's easily my number one, absolute worst fear of all time."
"Hey, you don't need to worry about that happening. I wouldn't let it happen," Peter insisted, reaching to hold her hand.
Annie squeezed his hand, "I know."
"Okay, maybe we need a better vibe than this for unveiling a hella cool suit," Ned said, looking at the others.
Harper grinned, "Yep, this is gonna be so great. It's everything I've always wanted to make for you, but didn't have the chance to because I couldn't get the right material without drawing massive suspicion to the both of us."
"I've seen it, and I think it's something that might work," Tony told them.
Harper scoffed, "Might work? It's easily the best thing that you've ever seen in your life. I believe you were about two steps away from offering me a job for my design skills, no?"
"Not happening. I don't need a suit maker," he replied.
They shrugged, "Okay, but those shades of purple clashed so hard when you were wearing a suit that one time. Just saying. You need to do complimentary or the exact same shade for ties and pocket squares. I don't make the rules, I just enforce them."
"Are you trying to get a job or get shipped back to New York?"
"Both," Harper claimed, "Now where's the cool little side room place we can go to?"
Tony sighed, "If you'd keep quiet, maybe we'd get there faster."
"It definitely doesn't work like that."
After what felt like forever to Annie, they finally got to a room where they could unpack the small briefcase that held the new suit. Harper also looked like their hands were shaking just a little bit. They set it on an empty table.
Annie stared at the brown, leather briefcase and didn't move. How was she supposed to even begin to open it? If she did, that was almost too much of a move for her in some way. She'd have to leave behind the old suit. Which was for the best, but was she even ready to test it out? It was only then that she realized she hadn't tried being a superhero since everything with Carnival. There was no way she'd be ready.
Harper looked at Annie and then back at the briefcase, "Um... you gonna open it?"
"Y-yeah, sure," Annie replied and stepped up to the table and unlatched the briefcase.
Once the briefcase was opened, Annie's dark eyes widened and she covered her mouth with her hands. She jumped up and down screaming and hugged Harper tightly. The suit was a blend of white and different shades of grey. Somehow it was exactly what she had always imagined whenever she tried to think about what she wanted to look like when gliding around the city.
Harper laughed, hugging back their friend, “You know? I think this means I was successful. See, I wanted to keep the original look we had going. I wanted to have the same half-face kinda domino mask where everyone sees your eyes, but I had no clue what to do with the hood. That’s mostly aesthetic and you can choose if you want it up or not.”
“It’s perfect, I-I can’t… you thought of everything!”
“Um… actually that’s my job. You have an amazing AI and it’s synced up to your phone so you can contact whoever,” Ned explained.
Annie grinned, “Wait, so I get to have a little, like… Siri type of thing?”
“Yeah, but it doesn’t have to be named Siri, it’s whatever you’d wanna name it. Keeping in mind I programmed it so that it kind of sounds like Idina Menzel,” he said.
Annie’s jaw dropped, “You’re kidding! I owe you both big time!”
“Hey, just go out there and patrol the city one last time, that’s all you gotta do,” Harper said, “And one more thing… you know the feathered texture around the sleeves?”
“Yeah.”
“They’re secret pockets and I stashed some knives in them for you in case things get out of hand,” they explained, “But anyways, get suited up and test it out!”
Before Annie really knew what she was doing, she was in the middle of the city, feeling the new suit clinging to her body. It had been quite a few months since she had last been in the city, but it didn’t take long for her to get to the top of a building and start almost right from where she had left off.
It was just an average day, no major crimes, but that didn’t change the fact that Annie was more than happy to do what she could. Even if it was something as simple as helping a lost kid find his parents, that was better than nothing.
After a couple of hours filled with testing out the new suit was when Annie’s AI decided to start talking.
“Harper is contacting you, would you like to answer?” asked a voice.
Annie nearly dropped from the rooftop she was on, “Um, not yet, hold on, you’re the suit AI?”
“Yes, I have been programmed to mesh with your personality as needed.”
“Do you have a name?”
“No.”
“Oh, can I give you one?”
“I suppose.”
“I’m gonna name you Eve!”
A little while later, Annie caught up with Peter when she learned Harper and Ned were still trying to get back the same designs they came to get in the first place. Not that Annie minded, they could take as long as they wanted to. She just wanted more time in Seattle, but she knew that no amount of time was going to prepare her to leave.
“Hey, you said you wanted to show me something?” Peter asked once she was back in normal clothes.
Annie nodded, “Yep! Only the best coffee house in this entire city. There’s a lot of coffee places, but this one is the best. I’ve tried all of them.”
“Yeah? You seem almost obsessed.”
“Well, in my defense… yeah, it was a huge obsession. But it was something my dad and I used to do. But since he can choke, you’re gonna come with me instead,” she replied with a small smile.
As they walked, raindrops started to hit both of them. Peter started to move a little bit faster, but Annie still went at the same pace.
“It rains in Queens too, you know,” Peter said.
She shook her head, “It’s not the same, I don’t know how to explain it.”
“You know… you don’t need to. This is the happiest I’ve seen you in months,” he told her, squeezing her hand.
Annie’s eyes lit up, “Hey, maybe this is super weird, but am I the only one who’s always wanted to kiss in the rain?”
“I feel like you’ve done that already.”
“Not with you,” Annie pointed out.
Peter laughed a bit before pressing a quick kiss to her lips, “Now let’s get out of the rain!”
“Well, we’re basically here,” Annie replied, opening the door of the coffee shop.
“Annika Hardwick, you’ve got a lot of nerve coming here,” said the barista.
Annie stopped, “Um… I’m just wandering around.”
“With… I wanna know who your new boy toy is,” she responded, batting her eyes.
Annie sighed, “Peter. He’s a friend.”
“Who I just saw you kissing two seconds ago.”
“I just wanted to order some coffee,” Annie said, “So maybe we should just get this over with.”
“But you’ve been gone so long! How many more relationships did you screw up?”
Peter opened his mouth before Annie spoke up, “That wasn’t me, you know that. Anyways. I’ll have one caramel latte and one green tea latte.”
Maybe Annie wasn’t going to miss Seattle as much as she had originally thought she was going to. If she had known what was going to happen, or who would be there, she would not have gone.
Tag List (if you want to be added, please ask!): @flushings-here / @gaypanda / @twilightparker / @parkerpuff / @ganseysblues / @dolphinsarecuteandstuff / @buzzinglee / @lcy-thot / @moonstruckholland
#peter parker#peter parker imagine#peter parker x reader#peter parker x you#peter parker x oc#spider-man#spider-man x oc#spider-man x reader#spider-man: homecoming#spider-man: far from home#mcu#mcu fanfic#marvel#original characters#fanfiction#all i ask of you fic
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What’s your name?
Stephanie.
What time is it right now?
11:01PM.
When were you born?
430 PM.
Who are you closest to in your family?
My mom, younger brother, and my doggo.
What is the closest green item to you?
The straw I’m using.
Would you rather text people or talk to them on the phone?
Text. I am sooo not a talk-on-the-phone kind of person.
What program on your computer do you use the most?
Firefox.
Do you have a cat?
No.
What is your middle name backwards?
Nah.
How often do you visit this website?
I keep Tumblr on tab, ha.
Are you a good speller?
I believe so.
Are you good at baking cupcakes?
I don’t bake ‘em from scratch or anything, but I make some good cupcakes outta the box, ha. Good enough for me.
Do you currently have a job?
No.
What year did you/will you graduate in?
I graduated college in 2015.
Do you have your drivers liscence?
No, just an ID. I don’t drive.
Does it take you long to fall asleep at night?
Gotta love insomnia. I’m up until like 5AM every night. :/
Do you think other people consider you a flirt?
No.
How long does it take you to get ready in the morning?
Well for one I don’t “get ready” unless I’m going somewhere, which isn’t that often. If I actually put some effort in and do my makeup, then it can take an hour. On days where I’m just going to the doctor, it takes like 10 minutes.
Would you ever consider getting plastic surgery?
No. Not unless I had an issue that was affecting me in some way. Like if something happened to my nose and it was crooked and/or I couldn’t breathe well. Something like that.
Do you smoke pot?
No. It’s been years since the last time.
Who is your hero in life?
My mom.
What is your favorite breed of dog?
Labs and German Shepherds. (:
Where is your favorite place to go out to eat?
I don’t like going out to eat anymore to be honest, I’m much more of a takeout kind of gal where I can just enjoy my food at home.
How long have you known your best friend?
My whole life, almost 30 years.
What are your thoughts on abortion?
When do you think the world is going to end?
No one knows exactly when it will happen.
Do you think there are aliens out there?
I don’t think so. There’s living organisms of some kind out there, but not aliens in the way that’s often portrayed.
Do you believe in God?
Yes.
Are you still a virgin?
I am.
Are you comfortable with our current goverment?
Going on a month now of a government shutdown.
If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
A lot of things, but if I could only choose one I’d have to go with improving my health.
Are you a fan of anime?
No.
What kind of cell phone do you have?
iPhone XR.
What color do you want your next car to be?
Can you type without looking at the keys?
Yep. I’ve been typing and using a computer since I was like 9 years old. I’m almost 30, so you have to remember that for me that was back in the late 90s. Nowadays kids have been using computers and cell phones since they were like 2 years old.
How much money do you have on you right now?
I’m broke.
Do you smoke?
No.
How tall are you?
About 5′4.
What is your favorite Christmas movie?
I have many. I love Christmas movies.
Do you celebrate your pet’s birthdays?
Yep. My doggo turns 2 years old next month.
Would you consider yourself selfish?
I think everyone can be to an extent, which isn’t always a bad thing. Some people are extremely selfish and that’s where it becomes a problem. As for me. I feel like I’ve been more selfish that I’d like to be these past few years. My health, especially my mental health, has really made me someone I don’t like. Not an excuse, I’m just keeping it real.
What kind of mood are you in right now?
A sick mood. My immune system has really been tested and working hard for like a month now cause I’ve been in the same household with 2 people who were really sick. My mom just found out she has bronchitis. I feel like I’m losing the battle now, though. D:
Name your favorite song from the 80’s.
I have a lot of those, actually.
Are you a fan of Spongebob Squarepants?
Eh. I wouldn’t say I’m a fan, but I watched it sometimes when my younger brother did when he was a kid. He and one of my cousins were obsessed with it. I became familiar enough with the old episodes and appreciated some of the jokes and such, but I couldn’t even tell you the last time I’ve seen an episode.
Do you like fruits or vegetables more?
Fruits.
How much time a week do you spend watching TV?
I mean, my TV is usually on most of the time but as for how much I’m actually watching... it really varies day to day and what’s on. I admit it serves as background noise a lot.
Do you play any sports?
Nope.
Who was your last text message from?
My brother.
Do you like Taylor Swift?
No.
Do you enjoy going grocery shopping?
Yeah, I go with my mom to do our big grocery shopping trips at Walmart.
Do you like skim milk?
I use soy or almond milk if I need it for something.
Name two people in your life that mean the most to you.
I have 4 people who mean the most to me.
Do you like short surveys or long ones better?
Long ones. At least 20-25 questions.
Are you a Facebook addict?
Nah. I go on there and scroll down the news feed for a few minutes a couple times or so a day.
Have you ever appeared on television?
When I was a baby after the accident.
Do you like to read?
Love it. I just wish I read more often.
What is your favorite kind of cookie?
Sugar or shortbread.
Do you have any kids of your own?
Nooo.
What was your first job?
Never had one.
Do material things matter to you?
I can’t say that I don’t enjoy things like my laptop and phone, but they’re not the most important things in life.
Where is your favorite city?
I have a few that I’ve been to in California that I love.
What was your last dream about?
I don’t remember.
Are you currently going to college?
Nope, I graduated in 2015.
What is your favorite letter of the alphabet?
I don’t have one.
Do you shop at Wal-Mart?
Yep.
Do you usually have good luck?
I don’t believe in luck, but if I did I wouldn’t say that I have it.
Do you get bored easily?
Some days I’m just especially bored with everything and the things I like to do everyday just aren’t cutting it and the day seems to just draaaaaaaag on.
What annoys you the most about other people?
Closed-mindedness is one thing.
Are you currently in a relationship?
No.
Have you ever been drunk before?
Yeah, a few too many times.
Are you afraid of flying?
Yes. I get the itch to travel somewhere by plane sometimes, though. I’ve flown a total of 2 times in my life, but that was over 10 years ago now.
Have you ever been bitten by an animal (not an insect)?
No.
Have you ever been in a physical fight?
Nope.
Are you good at drawing?
No. I think I color pretty good, though. Ha.
How many text messages do you think you send in one month?
I don’t know, but not a lot at all.
Have you ever had a stalker?
Not to my knowledge.
What grosses you out the most?
I’m pretty squeamish.
How much sleep do you get every night?
I actually get like 8 hours usually, but it never, ever feels like enough. I don’t wake up feeling rested.
When’s the last time you threw up?
Early last year.
What is your idea of the perfect date?
I’m not hard to please, honestly.
Are you more of a morning or night person?
I guess a night person.
Can you speak more than one language?
Very little Spanish. I’m especially rusty now; though, than I used to be.
Do you own anything from Hollister?
Not anymore, but I used to have some shirts and hoodies.
Are you immature for your age?
I can be.
Are you afraid of spiders?
EXTREMELY.
Are you tired right now?
Yes. Always.
What was the last thing you ate?
Chicken strips and fries.
What is your favorite flavor of milkshake?
Banana or strawberry.
Have you ever seen the movie Rent?
No. I know that one popular song from it, though about time and such.
Who is your favorite celebrity?
Alexander Skarsgard.
What’s the highest number you’ve counted to out loud?
I don’t know.
What is your favorite video game?
Mario Bros will always be a favorite.
Do you wear contacts or glasses?
Glasses.
Are you looking forward to summer this year?
Ew, noooo. I’m no rush at all.
Do you have trouble letting go of the past?
Yes. :/ I dwell there too much.
Do you like your hair better straight or curly?
Straight.
Do you wish you would grow taller?
Just a bit taller would be helpful.
Do your parents make you do chores?
No. I mean, we’re 4 adults living here so we contribute in some way and clean up after ourselves, but it’s not “chores.”
Have you ever been to the circus?
Yes, when I was a kid. Never again.
What’s the longest word you know?
I know the name for the fear of long words is super long. I couldn’t tell you what it is, though.
Do you use teeth whitener?
No.
Do you keep your room neat and clean?
I try, but it’s a bit cluttery now than I’d like.
Can you count to ten in French?
Nope.
Have you ever kissed anyone named Bob?
No.
Do you have a little sister?
No.
Do you speak with an accent?
>> Everyone does, to someone. So, yes. <<< True. It’s just weird for me to think of myself having an accent as I’m just a gal from California lol.
We’re you a bad child when you were younger?
Nope.
Do you get grumpy often for no reason?
Yes. I get very moody and irritable all the time. :/
Do you want to have kids/more kids in the future?
No kids for me.
What is your dream career?
I don’t have one.
Do you iron your clothes?
No.
Do you like to go tanning?
No.
Are you the type of person who likes to party a lot?
Ha, nope. I don’t party at all.
Would you consider your family “rich”?
No.
Are you addicted to sugar?
Not really. I get my cravings for something, but it’s not something I want all the time.
Have you ever tried using a dating website?
Nope. I have no interest in doing so.
What’s the weirdest food you’ve ever eaten?
I don’t know. I’m very picky.
What is/was your favorite class in school?
English. And of course a lot of my psych classes in college.
What is your favorite type of exercise?
None.
Do you believe in getting revenge on someone who’s hurt you?
No.
Do you live near any volcanoes?
Nope.
Name one word that you always have trouble pronouncing.
Hmm. My mom just got Azithromycin and I can’t seem to pronounce it at all lol. Like I know it in my head, but it won’t come out right.
Have you ever ridden in a taxi?
Yeah.
What’s your favorite color?
Pastels, rose gold, dusty rose, yellow.
Would you rather use crayons or colored pencils?
Colored pencils.
Have you ever had a migraine?
No. I did used to get terrible tension headaches often in high school. I still get them every now and then.
Tell me something about yourself that you don’t normally tell people.
I already tell you guys more than I tell anyone.
Have you ever served in the military?
No.
What is your favorite thing to eat for breakfast?
Eggs and hash browns, especially with sausage gravy, or oatmeal.
Do you go to the gym?
Nope.
Do you know how to write HTML?
I only know the very, very basics.
What is your favorite book?
Too many of those.
Do you have any songs that seem to fit your life perfectly?
It definitely feels that way with certain songs.
How many concerts have you been to?
I think 6 or 7.
Have you ever tried “planking”?
No.
Do you shop at Hot Topic?
Yeah.
Are you confident with your appearance?
Not at all.
Do you have trouble sitting still for long periods of time?
Oh yes.
Do you use the alarm clock on your phone or do you have an actual alarm?
I use the one on my phone.
Is your internet connection fast?
Yeah.
Do you enjoy snow?
Yes, but I live somewhere it doesn’t snow so for me it’s such a novelty. People who live where it snows often don’t like it so much.
What are your initials?
Nah.
Are you paranoid of other people talking about you behind your back?
Yes, but not as much as I used to be.
Are you germaphobic?
I know some people really suffer with that, so I don’t want to use the term lightly, but I never share drinks or eat off the same fork or whatever with anyone. I’ve been that way for as long as I can remember.
Do you get along with your parents?
Yes.
Have you ever had food poisoning?
I don’t believe so.
Are you impatient?
Very.
What is your favorite thing to put on a sandwhich?
Turkey, provolone, mustard, mayo, and pesto.
Do you trust yourself with big responsibilities?
I wouldn’t now. :/
Do you like long car rides?
Depends.
How often do you shower?
3 to 4 times.
Do you consider yourself a bully?
Only to myself.
Who were you last mad at and why?
Me cause I’m like... *gestures vaguely* this.
Are your parents currently togther?
Yes.
Do you find the rain calming?
Yes.
What’s your favorite flavor of ice cream?
Strawberry.
Do you follow football?
Nope.
Have you ever had an emotional breakdown?
>> Yes. It still amazes me that there are people walking around that have never had one, ever. Wild. <<<<
Do you think tomorrow will be a good day for you?
I’m just looking forward to getting a Souffle from Panera Bread, ha.
Are you in a good mood?
I’m siiiiiick.
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Voxman Teacher AU Ch 1
Notes: This is an AU where both Lord Boxman and Professor Venomus are teachers at a highschool. It’s meant to be a lot more realistic and slice of life then the show so some things are different. Venomus is not the tall purple snake boy he is, but probably a tall jewish boy now. Boxman has a prosthetic arm and glass eye from a collage accident. And all the other fun sci fy fantasy cool stuff will be translated as such. Hope you all enjoy!
"Jesus, how does a kid think like this?" Boxman mumbled to himself as he sits alone in his room grading quizzes. "I gotta switch to quia or something." He stands up from his desk and stretches, this had been the third lunch this week he's spent in his classroom, doing work. It hasn't been easy, teaching high school physics/technology and trying to go back to night school himself. Most days would be filled with coffee, algebra, and confused teens, like this one. He looks back down to the paper on his desk and gives a sigh. "Have any of these kids even had geometry yet?" The physics papers were the worst, maybe a small break would ease his mind. Besides, he had a freshman class next hour, he needs this.
He walked through the science hall and turned into a “secret” (janitorial) passage to enter into the back of the teacher’s lounge without having to interact with anyone. Nice, Boxy.
He gave a sigh of relief as he was in the cushy safe haven of soft drinks and occasional pastries. He made himself a coffee, and sat down on the 50 year old couch that had been purchased before even he had started working here. He gave a deep breath over his coffee, sometimes just a change of scenery was nice.
"That stuff’s gonna kill you, Boxman."
Boxman jumped a bit as he looked up to see the gym teacher, Ms. Carol, winking at him as she grabbed an electrolite-filled beverage.
"Ugh, come on Carol, I'm just trying to relax"
"And you think you're gonna relax with that? It's caffeine Boxy, that's not gonna do you no good!" She takes the towel from her shoulder and places it on the counter. "You know, I always offer an after school workout program for the faculty and it's quite popular!"
Boxman gave a shudder at the thought of having to take PE again, gym clothes, gym locker rooms. Boxman rushed to think of an excuse.
"Oh no, I'm sorry Carol, I have the classes I'm taking down at the university. I've been stumped with work." Nice, Boxy.
Carol gave a laugh. "Alright Boxy, but one day you're gonna run outta excuses and then-” she went into a power stance, "-Push Up time!"
Boxman was terrified and Carol could tell. She laughed and said "I'm just messing with you, you'd only do what you'd want to."
"Alright, but social pressures would tell me that I'd have to do it, so..."
Carol chuckled. "Touché, Boxman." She put the towel back over her shoulder and started to head out "See you soon!"
"See you, Carol." he said as she walked out. He gave a relieved sigh, talking with Carol was, a workout in itself. He snuggled his way back into that perfect groove in the couch and started to enjoy his coffee. The period wouldn't be over for another, 30 minutes? And most teachers didn't have a prep this hour so he could enjoy his alone ti... the door opened again. Boxman gave an internal sigh. He looked up to see who was there and was thrown off when he saw before him new Biology teacher, Dr. Venomous. He had only ever seen him in a few meetings but had never been personally introduced. Venomous was, impressive to say the least. He was younger than himself, and had been able to get a doctorate. Not to mention he was,, aesthetically admirable. Boxman shuffled in his seat and straightened his back a bit.
"Hello there, Venomous, was it?" He managed to get out.
Venomous turned his head to him "Yes, hello, Mr. Boxman," Damn, he nearly forgot about his voice too. The man could melt Gallium with a voice that warm.
Venomous headed for the Mr Coffee and filled his thermos. "Is this seat taken?" He asked as he approached the couch and gestured to the opposing corner.
"N-no, not at all!" Boxman said, surprised by the sudden interaction.
"Well, you know, I'm still pretty new here and I'd thought I should get to know some other adults in this place." He gave a smirk. "I honestly think I'll pop a blood vessel if I have one more conversation that includes anime, fidget spinners, or sarcasm." Boxman chuckled at the comment, oh had he been there.
"I'm so sorry, usually the first few years here you get a lot of freshman classes. I think it's the collective way to see if a teacher can handle the education profession or not"
Venomous smiled back. "Or nah, as they would say." They both gave a pained laugh at the bad and obscure meme humor of freshman. High schoolers in general. But particularly freshman who couldn't quite get the jokes right.
“Heh, well I'm glad you've finally found an adult to talk to.” Boxman said. It was strange, he usually didn't warm up to people this quick. “You teach, biology right? That's a fun subject”
Venomous settled into his cushion. “Yeah, but I wish I could could actually teach them the good stuff. Besides just telling them ‘the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell’, I mean come on. At least let me talk about ETP or something more than that.”
Boxman rolled his eyes, “I know right? I mean how do I get it across to them that vectors are going to be important if you want to learn about the really cool stuff. At least I have the AP class that's actually excited about physics and my tech shop classes.”
“You teach tech shop as well? What do you do in there?” Venomous asked, intrigued.
“Well, you know, it's a separate room, we share with the wood shop kids, but I teach more about circuity and metal working then the other mediums. It's only for upperclassman but all the kids who take it really tend to like it.” Boxman looked over from his coffee to see a beaming and curious biology teacher looking back at him.
“That sounds great! It's amazing they can have that at the high school level. I didn't even step into a lab with a good microscope until college.”
Boxman gave a soft laugh. “I'm glad you think that way.” He looked down at his watch. Still 20 minutes left to the hour,
“Would you like to see it?”
Venomous looked enthralled by the offer but returned to his calm demeanor. “That would be, very nice” he said blushing a bit, letting his nerdiness get the best of him.
They walked side by side down the open hall. Not a soul around except for them and the occasional kid going to the bathroom. Each class they walked past gave an insight onto a new subject and a new 30 set of kids bored to death by it. They reached the room at the end of the hall opposing the art room and Boxman took a key from his pocket. He unlocked the door, lead them both in, and then flicked a switch. Lights came on and a large ventilation fan started humming loudly.
“Sorry for the noise, it’s kinda set so that if you want the lights on and to work in here at all, you gotta have the fan on too.” Boxman said.
“It makes sense, safety you know.” Venomous commented as he looked down and smiled at the man.
Boxman gave a blush and looked to the floor “Hah! Yeah well I was actually the one who did the electric work for that and,, man you don’t know how many kids I get complaining.”
“I don’t think they’re old enough to see quality work when they see it.” Venomous gave a wink. Damn that man was smooth.
“Oh, oh yeah! Yesthankyou we can proceed with the tour!” He guided the taller man into the room further as he tried to hide the rouge he gained from that sick compliment he just received. He got more comfortable as he entered into his element. “Yep! We have everything here from mass blank blue prints to an industrial sized soldering iron! As long as the kid can show they can do something safely and have an idea, we let them go nuts!”
“Wow! That’s really cool how they can have an opportunity like that at such a young age!” He said as he admired the equipment around him. His eyes lit up with excitement, “IS THAT A 3D PRINTER?!?” He looked down to Boxman who was beaming at his own excitement. He gave a stifled cough and walked over. “Heh, why does it have the word ‘Jethro’ engraved onto it?”
“Oh, well after we got the printer, my AP design class decided we had to name it. You know how kids are with their creativity.”
Venom gave a snicker. “Hm, yep, it’s our job as the public school system to crush that.” he said jokingly to Boxman.
Boxman laughed “Hah! Yeah well this class found it particularly important and somehow decided on the name Jethro. So I real quick engraved it and he’s been Jethro ever since.”
“Charming.” Venomous said with a smile.
“Thank you!” Boxman said.
Venomous leaned back against a desk and looked at Boxman. Oh shit, is he checking me out? “I gotta ask, and if it’s not too rude,” Venomous made a motion pointing to his left arm and eye.
“OH! Yeah that,,” Boxman trailed off as he realized Mr. Hot Teacher was Not checking him out.
Venomous gave a panicked look “Oh I’m sorry if that was a sensitive topic! I was just cur-”
“No it’s ok! I’m willing to talk about it,” Boxman gave a laugh and leaned against a desk of his own. “You know I don’t even consider it most of the time unless I’m scaring freshman to follow lab safety procedures.” What the two men were referring to was the glass, mildly red tinted eye surrounded by burn scars, and a left hand made of a simple metal rig instead of flesh. “You see, it was my senior year of college, I was up late in the workshop finishing my final. While I was soldering I hadn’t realized some potassium had mixed in with my soder god knows how. And this particular invention was suppose to hold water, so when I filled it in to test and checked inside the cartridge to see what was making a sound… Well, the rest is chemistry.”
Venomous gave a shudder. “Jesus thats a lot, I’m so sorry, Mr. Boxman.”
Boxman looked up and gave a slight smile. “It’s really ok! It didn’t stop me from getting a degree in engineering or my teaching certificate! And please, call me Boxy.”
Venomous reddened a bit at the sweet genuineness of the man. Even though he was probably in his mid 40’s, and not the most conventionally attractive guy, he was still pretty damn cute. Venomous’ gay thoughts were cut off by an abrupt bell.
“Welp, heh, end of this period I guess. It’s been fantastic talking with you!” Boxman said as he started out the other door that lead to the science hall. Venomous followed to get to his own class.
“Yeah, it’s been great talking with, you.” Venomous trailed off as the two headed in separate directions. He had never felt so immediately felt comfortable with someone like that, and neither had Boxman. They both had the feeling though that this would lead to something great.
#lord boxman#voxman#professor venomous#ok ko#ok ko let's be heroes#ok ko carol#ok ko raymond#ok ko shannon#ok ko darrell
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Humandroid - An Andy Fic
I got to write a short story for a paper I had to turn in for Humanities, so I wrote this. It’s a little heavy-handed near the end because of that, but I actually like how it ended up and it has to do with Andy’s backstory, so I wanted to share it!
The android’s eyes fluttered open for the first time to the tune of whirring monitors and whispered murmurs. An icy blue pair of eyes stared up, unblinking, and unfazed by the harsh fluorescent lights above. A look to the left, then the right. Something internal told them to blink. They were surrounded on all sides by people, all staring directly at them.
“She’s beautiful,” one of them spoke.
Their eyes slowly traced over the face of the one who had spoken. Glasses, shaggy and unkempt hair, and a smile that would have sent shivers down their spine, were that physically possible. The other three were similar, with some combination of poor posture and unsettling smiles, as if they were staring at something to covet.
“We’ve gotta test her out, don’t we?” said another. His grin was wide and almost predatory, creating an unsettling combination with the way his tone was both giddy and impatient. Everyone’s eyes were locked on them, laid out on the table they had woken up on.
Another blink answered the waiting gazes of those above them. There was a gentle click from inside their own head, so soft they were sure that no one else could hear it. Their jaw moved slightly, adjusting itself. Then, softly, their voice finally slipped out in a gentle, “Hello?”
The four men took in a collective sharp breath, eyes wide. “Her voice is gorgeous,” said one that hadn’t spoken up before. “Can’t wait to hear it saying other things.” He nudged the one who had called them beautiful with his elbow, an eyebrow quirked in a knowing way.
“Enough waiting around then,” said the fourth one. He grabbed at their legs, wrenching them open with wild abandon. They were acutely aware that there was nothing between their flesh and this man’s eyes. “We’d better make sure she works the way she’s supposed to before we turn her in to the boss.”
No more invitation was needed for the men to take what they wanted. Hands wandered on fresh skin, grabbing and smoothing and stuttering over the new flesh. Their icy blue eyes darted around, watching and taking in as much information as they could. Hands, flesh, hot breath, all over them at once.
“She feels so real,” muttered one before pressing his lips to the base of their neck.
Andy awoke with marks on their neck and the register of soreness between their thighs. The night before had been dedicated to their partners, Daniyal and Rory, and the pleasure that came from that. It was so pleasantly familiar now to feel that when they woke up.
They heaved themselves up and out of the bed, padding gently to the bathroom, but they stopped short in front of the mirror. A pit formed in their stomach when they made eye contact with their reflection. A thick crease drew from the bottom corners of their eyes and down the sides of their face, adorned with a pair of small bolts on either side. They acted as a reminder that anything they thought they felt was nothing more than synthetic, just like the rest of them. There was no soreness between their thighs, no pit in their stomach, no gentle throbbing in the marks adorning their neck where blood would pool. It was all just adaptations they had acquired over time to make everything about them seem more real to the outside world.
Andy tore their eyes away from the mirror and busied themselves with cleaning up. After all, avoidance was a very human thing to do. They scrubbed themselves gently with a wash cloth, their skin feeling plush and soft under their touch. It had the same give, the same flexibility and folds, as a humans, but that was just a lie. It must have felt so disingenuous to any human who touched it. Andy ran a slow hand up their own thigh. They imagined Daniyal would shiver at the touch and Rory might have gotten goosebumps. But Andy’s skin didn’t respond. Their brain told them the sensation was pleasurable and comforting, but they felt nothing.
After getting themselves dressed and pulling their blonde hair back into a ponytail, Andy made use of their morning by starting breakfast. Surely, their boys would be hungry when they woke up.
Steam began to rise from the pans, the smell of bacon and eggs following suit. The frantic pop and crackle of the bacon grease complimented Andy’s rapid thoughts. Their eyes focused on the task, hands deft as they ran through the motions of the meal, but Andy’s mind was somewhere else entirely.
“I’d say be careful not to burn breakfast, but I think you’ve made bacon and eggs enough you could do it in your sleep.” Rory’s words quickly pulled Andy back to reality and their eyes snapped up to stare at the wall directly in front of them. It was always fascinating how Rory could read a room without actually being able to see it. Andy figured it was some byproduct of knowing elements of the future that gave him incredible insight.
“I have it under control, thank you,” Andy said softly. Their eyes trailed back down to the pans they were handling, becoming acutely aware of the heat that they couldn’t feel in their hands. “It is almost ready.”
“Smells good.” The smile in Rory’s voice was evident.
Andy finally turned to get a good look at Rory. He was still shirtless, though he had pulled on a ratty pair of shorts. Andy made a mental note to try and wash all the caked in dirt out of those later. His long, dark hair was pinned back in a loose bun, strands of it still falling in his face from how sloppy it was. The more they looked at him, the more Andy was aware how different they were from each other.
“You’re staring at me,” Rory said pointedly. “Do I need to put a shirt on? There something on my face?” His tone was joking, but Andy became frustrated.
Their eyebrows furrowed, but they averted their gaze. “You cannot possibly know that.”
Andy noticed Rory grin out of the corner of their eye. “I can hear the bacon burning already, which means you’re not paying attention to it. And, I can feel you staring at me, you know?”
“I do not,” Andy muttered, turning back to their cooking. “I do not feel anything.” They pulled the bacon off the stovetop and turned so that they could grab a plate from the cabinet.
They caught sight of Rory, who’s face had grown much more serious. His grin had pressed into a tight line, and his face seemed thoughtful. They wished Rory would just let them wallow in peace.
After dumping the bacon onto a plate, Andy turned back around to tend to the eggs. But as they did so, a pair of arms wrapped around their waist and Rory’s chin rested gently on their shoulder. They wanted so badly to relax into the touch, but they were suddenly acutely aware of every inch of synthetic skin making contact with Rory. After a moment, they blurted out, “Do I feel warm to you?”
“Not particularly,” Rory answered, making Andy’s eyebrows furrow. Of course not. “Why? Feeling sick?” Rory’s hand pressed against their forehead and Andy couldn’t help a small scoff.
“I do not get sick, Rory. And I….suppose it was a silly question to ask.” Andy continued to scowl down at the eggs, then pulled them off the stove and edged themselves out of Rory’s embrace. “Of course I would not feel warm,” they muttered, reprimanding themselves quietly.
“What’s with the sudden interest in body temperature?” Rory asked. He busied himself by grabbing Andy a new plate from the cabinet. “There’s nothing wrong with how warm you are usually.”
Andy took the plate and carelessly dumped the eggs onto it. Of course Rory wouldn’t understand what they were feeling, why would he? In an attempt to escape the conversation, they let out a strangled, “It is fine.” Not very convincing.
“Talk to me, Tulip,” Rory said softly, carefully taking the pan Andy had been holding far too tightly. Their hands brushed together, flesh against fake, and Andy pulled back. “Tell me what’s on your mind.”
Andy looked down at the floor, their hands desperate for something to grab onto, but all they could do was clench into fists at Andy’s sides. “Rory,” they whispered, the words choking them on their way out, “can you tell me how I will die?”
Rory took a step back. Any lightness left in his demeanor was gone, his body growing tense. “Andy, I can’t tell you that. I don’t—I don’t like thinking about you—“
If Andy were physically able to cry, they had a strong suspicion they would have been sobbing by now. “But it happens? I can do that, correct? You have to tell me, I need to know.”
“Well, everyone—“
“But do I, Rory? Am I included in everyone?” Andy’s gaze was hard as they looked him over. If he could feel them staring before, then he must have felt it now. He had to know how desperate they were with whatever sense told him when they were staring. “Am I even capable of death? Or is that another thing that I will never know?”
Rory was definitely aware of the cold gaze locked onto him, evidenced by his tense stance. He reached out to comfort Andy on instinct, but pulled back at the last second. All it took to see what Andy wanted was a single touch and, though he’d already seen it, Rory was suddenly very aware of the motion he usually avoided. “I think Daniyal’s worrying has been rubbing off on you,” he tried desperately. “You’re perfectly fine the way you are.”
“I am a husk. How can that be fine? I am nothing but synthetic nerves and programmed emotions. I cannot feel anything that is truly mine, only what I am told to. I am the product of the male sexual fantasy and it’s sadistic lover, consumerism, I cannot possibly have the same depth as a human.” Andy’s chest heaved, metallic lungs taking in unnecessary breaths as they worked themselves up. “But maybe, if I were to know how I die—if I die, I could feel some connection with the human experience. I could be somewhat…” Their eyes cast upward, meeting the pity Rory had on his face. “…like you.”
Rory’s hand lifted slowly, meeting Andy’s face to gently caress their cheek. Andy clutched at his arm, their grip fearful. “Tulip, just listen to yourself. I’ve never heard anyone sound so human. All those things you’re so afraid of, all those concerns, well, it sounds human to me.”
Andy’s brows furrowed. “But I do not feel the same way you do. My feelings are all learned, none of them are innate.”
“I’d say humans are like that too,” Rory pointed out thoughtfully. His hand no fully cupped Andy’s jaw, tilting their head up so that their eyes couldn’t stray away from his face. “We learn and react the same way you do. We just got our programming from different places. You don’t need to know how you die for that.”
“But what if…” Andy trailed off, their nails digging into Rory’s soft, human flesh. “What if I can never be more than what I was programmed for?”
Rory chuckled softly. “I’d say you’ve already far surpassed that. You’re made up of far more than your sexual experiences.”
Andy thought for a moment, their eyes locked onto Rory. Their brain processed the information as fast as it could go, eyes searching for something disingenuous in Rory’s words. “Do you really believe that?” they asked, voice barely a whisper.
Rory pressed a kiss to Andy’s nose, then dropped his hand from their jaw to grab their hand instead. “Of course I do, darling.”
It was a little reassurance, at least.
#fic#andy tag#rory tag#friendo tag#even though daniyal's not in it#i still feel like i should put that tag for him being mentioned
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1-40 BOI
1: Talk about the first time you watched your favorite movie.Idk movies are weird for me, I don't really have a particular favorite it changes all the time 2: Talk about your first kiss.It really wasn't anything worth talking about. Me and my first girlfriend were hanging out in my basement, she went to leave and we just kinda went for it. I was always told my first kiss would be this magical, unforgettable experience and it just wasn't. 3: Talk about the person you've had the most intense romantic feelings for.Oh god I gotta talk about Abby again. Well, she's probably the most amazing person I've ever met. Smart, beautiful, sweet, thoughtful. She was everything I ever wanted. We dated for over a year and a half and it was probably the happiest time of my life. And then out of nowhere she just left, and nothing has felt right since. I'm kinda to the point where I'm over it and I'm trying to move on but it does still feel like there's a hole in my heart where she used to be, and idk how to fill it again. 4: Talk about the thing you regret most so far.Losing her honestly. Fuck I'm sorry 5: Talk about the best birthday you've had.Probably my 18th, it was also the year I graduated and since I have a summer birthday my grad party and birthday got celebrated together and all my friends and family were there and it was just a fun time.6: Talk about the worst birthday you've had.My 17th, I got dumped that day. Not fun. At all7: Talk about your biggest insecurity.God literally everything about me as a person. But I guess if I had to pick one thing it's how insignificant and replaceable I am. I'm nobody's first choice anymore. Nobody thinks of me when I'm not around. I could disappear and pretty much everyone I know would be completely fine. I just wanna matter to someone and I hate that I don't 8: Talk about the thing you are most proud of.How much I care about the people I love. I feel like these days there's a serious lack of genuinely good, caring people, so I try my hardest to be that and to show people how much they matter to me.9: Talk about little things on your body that you like the most.My jawline. Sharp enough to kill a man 10: Talk about the biggest fight you've ever had.I don't get in many fights, I'm afraid of confrontation please don't hurt me I'm smol11: Talk about the best dream you've ever had.I can't remember any of my dreams vividly enough 12: Talk about the worst dream you've ever had.See 1113: Talk about the first time you had sex/how you imagine your first time.Surprise surprise, sad boi is still a virgin. Idk how my first time is gonna go, I don't particularly care if it's rough or romantic, I just want it to be with someone I love, and who loves me back just as much 14: Talk about a vacation.My family goes to Florida all the time. We've done all the big theme parks at least a dozen times. It's always one of the highlights of my summer 15: Talk about the time you were most content in life.When I was with Abby. I was in love and loved back and everything made sense. I had everything I could ever want 16: Talk about the best party you've ever been to.Probably this past New Years, me and my friends all went to Boston and got lit as shit and it was just a fun time 17: Talk about someone you want to be friends with.Honestly I'd love to be friends with most of my followers, you all seem so lovely and cool. Please don't hesitate to come say hello sometime, I promise I'm only a little bit disappointing 18: Talk about something that happened in elementary school.I remember once I got stuck on the bus because I was adamant about needing to be dropped off at home rather than day care, but there was nobody at home to get me and I had already missed the day care stop19: Talk about something that happened in middle school.Idk why this sticks out to me but my hair used to be wicked long and one day at lunch the class clown of my grade just started braiding it20: Talk about something that happened in high school.I joined the music program my senior year and it was one of the best decisions I ever made. All of my closest friends today were in the band with me and rehearsals and concerts were always so much fun 21: Talk about a time you had to turn someone down.I don't think I ever have. I'm too desperate for love22: Talk about your worst fear.Losing someone I love. It's happened to me so many times and every time it hurts more and more and makes me feel more and more worthless23: Talk about a time someone turned you down.There's too many to list and they all sucked ass. They all serve as reminders of exactly how unlovable I am 24: Talk about something someone told you that meant a lot.Abby used to tell me every day that I was perfect. I knew that she meant it and I actually almost started to believe her25: Talk about an ex-best friend.I'd rather not, it hurts to think about people I've lost 26: Talk about things you do when you're sick.Mostly just lay around and suffer 27: Talk about your favorite part of someone else's body.I love eyes for some reason. Couldn't tell you why, just do28: Talk about your fetishes.Let's just say I've probably got one of the most off putting kinks out there. I don't care how many people tell me it's common, I'm always going to be ashamed of it29: Talk about what turns you on.Attention and intimacy 30: Talk about what turns you off.Anything with my ears. Touch them and I'll cut you 31: Talk about what you think death is like.I personally can't wait for it, it's gotta be better than what I'm feeling now 32: Talk about a place you remember from your childhood.My family used to vacation in New Hampshire a lot, and there was this one spot with a bunch of narrow little caves that I loved to squeeze my way through33: Talk about what you do when you are sad.Usually listen to sad music, scroll through my dash and isolate myself from people so they don't have to deal with me34: Talk about the worst physical pain you've endured.Probably getting my wisdom teeth out. The past couple weeks have sucked ass35: Talk about things you wish you could stop doing.Being a shitty human being and feeling sad all the time 36: Talk about your guilty pleasures.Cheesy romantic movies and Ed Sheeran's music37: Talk about someone you thought you were in love with.My first girlfriend I talked about earlier. I was so happy to finally be in a relationship I didn't realize how abusive she was38: Talk about songs that remind you of certain people.Most of the music I like was shown to me by my friends so I associate a lot of songs with people 39: Talk about things you wish you'd known earlier.If I'd known Abby was gonna leave I would have tried to be better for her and convince her to stay. Wow I talked about her a lot in this, I'm really sorry 40: Talk about the end of something in your life.You can probably guess what I was gonna talk about, I'll spare you all another sad boi rant
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New York Blackbeard Diary Pt. 3
Day 11.......Woke up.....Started my day getting breakfast then headed to my neurologist office to get my form from my job in regards to my restrictions. After, went to the library to print out documents in regards to a situation that led to someone purchasing something from a PayPal. Pretty much someone hacked into my PayPal and purchase a monthly subscription to watch a show smh. As I was heading to work, I thought about all of my problems and have decided to take care of all the problems. Feels like time is not on my side in my opinion and I can no longer deal with the bullshit no longer. As take care of the problems head on, I have no problem dealing with consequence even if my body limitations is at risk cause. I'm alone in this and that's no one fault cause everyone has their own problem to fix.
On on to the side story......2012.......
The new year started and I was in a long distance relationship. Unfortunately, It didnt last long. Obviously, communication was the cause of the problems. From there I was talking to girls got into a relationship but that didnt even last too. Then I saw her. Now I'm not gonna write her government name. So I'm gonna name her HopelessRomantic. Unlike every women I've been with physically, I actually found her online. I didn't expect her to give me a chance but she did. At first, we were back and forth breaking up and making up. Then mid year, she broke up with thru a inbox smh. She was right tho, I wasn't doing anything with my life and she felt I had no ambition. It's crazy because before she broke up with me, I wanted to let her know that I finally got a job lol. During that time til September, I was dating and talking to other women but at the same time trying to get back with HopelessRomantic. Then at one point, HopelessRomantic was going through a tough time. So I took an opportunity to help her out. I was making sure she was okay. Then one day there was a BWA (beach) reunion show and since I told HopelessRomatic about my backyard wrestling career, I invited her to the show. That day was interested as I got to see some of the guys even my first love and by the night, I brought her home and "Netflix and chill" happened lol. It was our first time doing something after 9 months of us knowing eachother. From that moment on we were back together but this time she trusted me and gave me another chance of love again. On to other things,in that year I started wrestling officially in BWA (Bronx). I had a chance to wrestle in RCW but I decided not to go. I knew I wasn't going to be comfortable there and plus the only people I would mostly trust would be the DIW wrestlers that I meant in 2011. Everyone else ehhhhh (the white boys weren't really there lol). BWA (Bronx) hands down was the best time of my backyard wrestling career. Holy Convictions Tag Team with Genocide, 4 aces, matches with Loco, Dixon, Dom The Don, my epic match against Gencocide that open everyone's eyes, and the match of the event of SuperShowDown (their Wrestlenania), against Joker. I had a epic time in the BWA (Bronx). Now back to HopelessRomantic. Our relationship was great. Our families liked us together, I got to see her often, I was working, the sex was great lol, and she even motivated me to actually go to college. The original plan was to go study Criminal Justice. Then December hit and after the hurricane, I came from chilling with a friend and HopelessRomantic send me a message on Facebook breaking up with me. There wasn't a particular reason. She wrote like an essay but it had nothing to do with me. I can only assume she wasn't interested anymore. So the year was heading to its end. So I decided to live it up with Black, Red, Green, and Blue Label with some 40s. Regardless of the break up, I still had good year.
Day 12.......Woke up and started my day with a cup of coffee. Went to my job to pick my check check my app to see how much since I started last week and today was pay week and apparently I got no pay listed on this week. So I can only assume my next check will make up for last week or something. Money is always with no value hard to get by but hey whatever. So went on my morning and TD Bank to fax the people apart of my dispute case and unfortunately the bank printing machine doesn't work doesn't work. So another Negative Nancy in the poison air of New York City. After work, I saw my Autismo crew (J God, Weirdo, and Porn Plug). Chopped it up a little bit and by the way F**K WWE 2K!!!!!
On on to the side story......2013......
2013 new year.....still working on and off. Surprisely, me and HopelessRomantic kept in contact regardless of the breakup. One day I brought her over just to chill. She got cozy which didn't bother cause she was single as was I. From what I remember, we were talking and it led to her being emotional and she was crying. So held her tight then boom......we had sex......The next day we were talking and I kinda express to her I wanted to get back together but she didn't want that. I actually cried but accepted and got over it. Probably like a month later, she got into a relationship with someone else which sucked even more. Other than that I signed up for a program that dealt with Digital Media and did well in the program. I was still working but not as much. My birthday but on that day I was sick (for about a week). After I healed, I started this new job that my guy Dirty Sandchez aka Eyevrows from Getaway hook me up with. It was an maintenance job. Did the job and all. July 4th hit and partying up drinking doing my thing. I woke up and got a call from HopelessRomantic letting me know that her Aunt passed. All I had was tears cause her aunt meant a lot The last time I talk to her was Mother's Day so the pain was more. I was mad and I played Dante's Inferno with anger. From morning til night, I beat the game. The one thing I notice alot that day was I had double vision that whole day. I would think that would be gone by the morning but it wasn't. After hanging out with my boy. I started to fall easily and constantly told I looked crossed eyed. By August my left leg felt like I or sprained it. August I finally hit the switch and started college. I was studying Mental Health/Domestic Violence Counseling. First semester went well. All As and 1 B. I even had my own little crew.
SIDE NOTE: One person in that crew ending up being my girlfriend (2016)
During the first semester I was still dealing with my health problems. Things got worse. My hands were so numb that I couldn't write. My double vision was there everyday and I had a hard time walking on my left leg. After going to the emergency room doing MRIs and Catscans and testing my strength with a group of neurologists and constantly hearing that I'm so young (I was 22), I saw a neurologist and he told me that I have Multiple Sclerosis.......
Day 13........Woke up, got ready, and speed walked to the bus stop to get to work. Unfortunately, I got a little late due to the bipolarness of the bus coming on schedule. When. I got to work, I couldn't punch in due to the app I punch in on couldn't connect to the server. After work, I went to see a friend that I haven't seen in quite some time and that was pretty much my day.
On on to the side story......2014.......
2014 came. I finally got my finally treatment after waiting for months for insurance reasons smh. I had to take it every week. I continued college by taking free classes inthe winter semester which was apart of Fall semester. As a result passed both classes with an A. From there my GPA was 3.6. With my education background with a learning disability, D equalivent grades, being in special ed classes, and receiving services due to my learning disability, for a guy with a incurable health condition that pretty much messes with your body depending on the central nervous system state, it was remarkable for something like that to happen. Spring semester hit and once again did my thing in classes, went on dates, and followed the routine of being on grind. Then the summer semester hit and I was offered to take a short summer class and I took it of course since it was free. That morning of first day of the class, I wanted to do the impossible and walked from my home to school (Albemarle and East 19 to Manhattan Beach). It took about 3 hours. Got to class on time and kind sat around or whatever. Some other people got inthe class and informed the professor that they were in the other classroom. For some odd reason I was more aware of a woman saying that then the others. Crazy cause that same woman ended up being my girlfriend by the end of September. We ain't saying government names. So her name for this post is Hermione (she likes Harry Potter). She had tattoos, smart, and she was honest for what I feel most of the time. Eventually the relationship didn't last and ended the same way.......a message. Her reasons made sense I guess (went too fast). Honestly I don't believe time should be a determining factor for a relationship to happen. If you feeling this person then give it a shot but that's just my opinion. Also, in 2014, I officially ended my backyard wrestling career against my friend, my brother, and my on screenplay rival Rodney Banks. It was the perfect ending to the legend that was called Heavy D.
Day 14.......Woke up. Gather some clothes and did some laundry. Sat outside for a little bit and headed back to the shelter and took a power nap. Woke up about 3 and watch One Piece Episode 901. I'm already current with the manga. So I'm basically watching what I already read. That was pretty much my Sunday. Plus I need all the rest for the upcoming days of this week. I gotta say, I'm slowly getting myself together to the point that people inthe shelter are noticing me more as hardworking individual. I'm always on the move and that's being notice and respected by people in the shelter.
On on to the tragic side story......2015
2015 started off okay. Winter semester was a success. I saw Hermione. But I didnt really give her attention after the break up but after we talked, we became friends and that was it nothing more. Spring semester came and I did my thing again and lived the college life but got a job. So now I'm get on my grind and officially had no time for much. Summer was here and my mother was working getting her passport to go back to Jamaica and see her family after years. One time I came from work and as usual expected my mother to be home since she doesn't like to be out late. She nevered came home which was extremely alarming. Call the police and I was informed that she was in the hospital in the city. Got to the hospital and use the phone to locate and she was in the 3rd floor ICU. I didn't know what ICU meant at that time but I knew it was something bad. Got to the ICU and saw my mother........Hospital covered with a bandage on her head as if someone bash a metal bat on her head. Come to find out, she had a seizure and fell on head in the street very hard. I was in tears. All I can remember was that the last time I saw her she told me that she was heading out. My mind was wtf like this ain't real. Called everyone I can call and every got the news that my mother was inthe hospital. She eventually got transfer to a rehab center in Far Rockaway Queens. Things seem to be okay. Then I come home from a hard day at home and I get phone call from a friend informing me that something happened and my younger brother didn't sound okay on the phone. Went to the hospital my mother was sent to. Her eyes was closed. Next couple of days saw her as the machine was helping her breath not responding or reacting inthe room. The doctor spoke to me and younger brother and pretty much said there a very little chance they can help. By October 12th. My younger brother called me and informed me that our mother died........
Day 15......Woke up.....Had to skip gym again. I had to get my mail and sent some emails. After, I went straight to work. After work, I happen to see a face I haven't seen in quite some time and we actually introduce our names after knowing each other for years. It's kind of cool knowing someone and finally just engaging in a conversation (just regularly). Then mailed my my money order to this One Shot Deal that I owe money to unfortunately. While on my way back to the shelter, I started thinking.....now knowing that just about everyone knows that I have Multiple Sclerosis......Hawk's Eye will be on me and my refusals from any assistance will make things a little more tough and edgier. So at this point, I have to be smart on everything I do. But I'm sure I'll get through this someway.
On on to 2016.......
2016 was here. After a hard 2015, I was able to keep the home, still work, made sure my health was good and survived a hard semester. I made the impossible possible. On the other hand, things were different. I started living somewhat a independent free life. I went to school, work, and party on the weekends. I was even going to the strip clubs and bars just living it up with my people. Eventually, I had this feeling like I needed to be what I was and I felt it was time to look for love again and I found it. No government names revealed. So her name was SoReal lol. I knew her since I started college (2013). We kept in contact and eventually we got together in July. It was love again. I haven't felt this type of love since my first relationship. She was smart, hardworking, and very determined to finish college. I was in love. When she felt she needed me, I was ready to help. We went on multiple dates. We talked all the time and we expressed that we loved each other. Other than love, I GRADUATED FROM KINGSBORO WITH AN ASSOCIATES!!!!! By September, I was city bound at City College. By the fall semester thing weren't good between me and SoReal. She distanced herself from me and with that I got less focus on school. Our relationship was so back and forth. When December hit, I got a letter from the landlord informing me that I must pay 3500 dollars in two weeks or I get evicted. So rent is not really being paid by my roommate, I'm barely getting thru college, and my relationship is a mess. As a result, I was still in relationship surprisingly, I pass my classes (barely), and I had to ask for assistance from this service called the One Shot Deal (where your whole rent is paid off but you got to pay back the money that was covered. 2017......would finally bring me to the limit.....
Not everything was meant to be......
Jikai........One Last Time. The Past From The Last View 2017 The Fall Of A Headliner
Mad King Recharging Arc
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late getting started again. i was faffing about with the images and some video posts that i put in my queue so as not to dominate your dashboards with five posts in a row. those will post in about two days in place of my usual memes.
today ping decided to start yowling nonstop about an hour before my alarm was set to go off. i was so angry that i stayed in bed for an extra 45 minutes, throwing off my whole day plan.
after picking up ping and throwing him out of my room i put my face down into my blanket i had folded up, since i did not pack a pillow and the spare one is... now that i think about it, not actually my pillow, and also it made my face super itchy. i will put it back on the couch where it belongs after i write this post.
it was ungodly hot for some reason. apparently it was like that for my classmates too, i found out later. i took a shower and put on my nice blouse and long skirt. i realized i had forgotten to pack nice shoes so i just wore my running shoes. the skirt was long enough that it wasn’t immediately obvious. also walking around in flats all day would have gotten really old really fast.
the physics student lounge has been relocated to a tiny office in the biology building. so it took me a few minutes to find everyone. it was crowded and hot even with the window open and the nice breeze. everyone seemed pretty happy to see me though. at least, i was happy to see them. i hung out in there all afternoon chatting and reading some articles about internet economics on the side. i also found an interesting series of posts under the title “hipsters on food stamps” that went into why we are encouraged to hate people on welfare and what it means to project onto someone else.
my pain and discomfort didn’t get any better today, but it didn’t get particularly worse. it feels like i got an air bubble in my side right under my ribs.
then we all went to the graduation ceremony and dinner that the department was holding for us. i quickly realized that the ceremony was not for the seniors though. it was to hand out scholarships like free candy to the underclassmen and initiate them into phi sigma phi. i did not graduate with honors.
the dinner was acceptable. the potatoes were really good. the chocolate cake i first described as “decadent” ended up being kinda weird. i split a slice with jay. he wanted the half with all the frosting so i teased him, but it ended up working out in my favor because that extra sugar would have been too much for me.
it was good to hang out with my friends. my classmates were talking about a take-home test they had as half of a final and that they weren’t supposed to work on it together. so cody said “so when are we not working on it together, and where?” and i burst out laughing. it was legit the funniest thing someone has said around me in person in like four months.
i didn’t eat too much. at least, i felt super nauseous, but not bloated. i made it home before getting too sick to be comfortable around other human beings. so then i watched youtube videos all night like a hack.
i also talked to oz for a while when i was on campus and my friends were in class. i hope he is ok.
about the parenting thing. raising children has been on my mind a little bit lately, i’m not sure why. i don’t feel that i could adequately care for a young person as my sense of normal parenting is extremely skewed toward “be an asshole.” i keep running into situations and trains of thought where i come to a conclusion and then decide to file it away for later in case i end up talking to a child about a related topic. this hypothetical child usually, in my mind, comes from my brother or sister. i don’t think my sister wants kids, but i don’t know if my brother has thought about it/made a decision about it. i would say he is pretty young to be thinking about it, but i’ve known since i was like four that i never wanted kids, so it’s possible.
i don’t know why i keep putting this information away with the intent of bringing it up with someone else’s kid. i guess... i want to be a part of my siblings’ lives, and part of taking care of them would involve helping their kids be more thoughtful and well-rounded i guess. i want to be a cool uncle, like my uncle mike. he doesn’t dump advice on me, but he’s always got something to say if i ask or if something important comes up. i would hope to see my niece/nephews a little more often than i see my uncle though. i guess i used to see him at least once a week when i was in grade school so it could happen.
but if i took care of my own kid, i would adopt a million times before i ever had my own biological children. i got too many nasty depression genes to want to force that potential on someone else. and also i have no interest in the processes involved in manufacturing small humans. i keep thinking about parenting strategies i would use and how it would hopefully go better than how my parents treat me, almost against my will. the thoughts come more or less unprompted. mostly in the shower, but, you know. i mean, since i don’t want to make a new kid, taking care of one that already exists is a good idea, right? and the foster system has so many serious issues...
i can’t get a handle on the logistics though. how would i help with schoolwork? emotions and self esteem? how other people treat the kid? the fine balance between freedom and hard rules? how would i balance that with my own job? i couldn’t do it by myself. would i have a spouse? how would our schedules line up to allow us to spend the most time with the kid between the two of us?
adopting a kid isn’t the same as adopting a dog. i could take care of a dog or cat or birds or reptiles. you don’t have to worry about how your dog is going to get through college or find a job or decide on a career trajectory or how to deal with bullies. you just gotta love the dog and care for its biological needs. kids are much more complicated.
i don’t know why i am thinking about that now. i am not in a good life position to put those thoughts into any sort of action. i like to plan ahead, but that turns into micromanaging really fast and really easy if i’m not super careful. i can’t manage and “fix” my friends the way i would a machine, and i shouldn’t. i wouldn’t want to subject a kid to that full-time either.
anyway, that’s what’s on my mind. it’s 12:30 now so if i go to bed soon i will be on a semi-good schedule again. what i want to do tomorrow is go to the financial aid office and work out my tuition refund since i wasn’t even able to start this semester. i hope i did not put it off too long. it is easier to go to the office and waste their time in person than it is to make a phone call. i guess because with phone calls there are bad connections and you get put on hold and it’s stressful. in person i can sit there in front of them until they do something about me.
next week i want to start working on a bunch of short-term goals and maybe one or two long-term goals with my therapist. i need to start doing things again. i will also bake the rest of the cake batter because the other can of frosting expires at the end of this month. and i won’t put too much water in the mix this time. maybe i can trick asher’s dad into taking some of those too. i will also start the group therapy program, though i’m still not sure about what exactly that entails. i know they do workshops for specific topics depending on, i guess, the week? and there are activities, some of which seemed to be outside the hospital grounds. i am right at the edge of the age cutoff so i wonder how well i will get along with younger people. and what the quality of the therapy will be, how guided it’s going to be, whether or not we’ll have someone who launches off topic frequently. no-fun power hours are going to feel like a waste of time to me.
i know that feeling like i need to urgently get my crap together is not actually helpful to the therapy process. it takes time but i am very interested in not having stupid random abdominal pain any more if it’s really caused by anxiety. i will try to convert my impatience into enthusiasm for throwing myself into the activities. taking them seriously will help them help me more. getting frustrated will not help me.
ok it’s 12:40 now, my usual quitting time i guess. i still have to drink another bottle of water to make sure i am not dehydrated in the morning... i’m gonna have to get up during the night as usual i guess.
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sci-fi au again but it’s some bastardized blame au feat. my twins
thinking about a bastardized blame au that borrows the setting of blame but with some minor differences, aka humans weren't dead for as long and silicon lifeforms are part of a disease that turns pure humans into half synthetic life, aka go feral go crazy some retain intellect tho, and pure silicon creatures are fully sentient and intelligent
but im thinking of a society in which android labor was widespread, but bc humans were wiped by silicon corruption, there's huge populations of androids w/o purpose humans do still exist but they're not pure, most of them have varying levels of silicon corruption as well as varying resistances. it does grant these humans superhuman strength or healing though
i kind of. wanna put rey and ray as twins in this au as bounty hunters aka humans who hunt down corrupted humans who've gone too far... but they also do odd delivery jobs and stuff
likelihood is that they've been alive for Way longer than humans should be due to their own corruption they remember what life was like before things went to shit
ray owned a restaurant and rey owned the bar on top of it
as siblings they went thru hell together and back and this was their dream
and. well. then shit changed but also aesthetic bc: rey with short hair, tank top, sci-fi ass gear and army boots
she's also the Slightly Older twin and holds this to ray all the time
they argue. Nonstop. sometimes they cant stand eachother bc dumbasses both have strong aggressive personalities but (and ive been thinking abt rey w a sibling for a while) at the end of the day they trust eachother bc they both had the same shitty mom and survived. they can do anything, they're Them?
but the scourge... well.
they're always upbeat. they have eachother after all, but sometimes when they're alone, ray gets nostalgic. a little wistful, a little sad
"it was nice while it lasted, huh?
not even a full ass decade, and everything came tumbling down."
legs hanging off a ledge, the smell of cigarette smoke
"wonder how dom's doing." rey doesn't want to talk about her. she steals the cig from his mouth and puts it out.
"that shit ain't good for you."
"the fuck? you smoke too you know."
but rey's already leaving.
neither of them know if dom survived. ray lost a best friend, rey lost a lover it's been two hundred years, maybe more. if she hadn't shown up, dead or alive, she's probably gone
but the thing is, the megastructure is huge. so vastly huge and confusing, anything can happen.
ray thinks one day she'll show up. dom is tough. she's out there somewhere. (END PROSE)
also i just love the idea of rey being a heavy firearm user and she just has a huge laser cannon strapped to her back at all times
ray thinks weird flex but ok
he probably uses a device that resembles some sci-fi spear/rapier thing but it channels electricity so on his command he can roast shit and also override / destroy power structures as needed. both of them have mechanical skills, can hotwire stuff, they're too dumb for hacking so they usually just try to physically brute force shit (aka... hitting it until it works) ray... leather jacket and gloves. NOTED THO: organic materials are really rare and are either salvaged or synthetically created instead. so this is like fake ass bioengineered leather from one of the few bastions of semi-human life, a big city within the megastructure that's where rey and ray live... they actually do want to start a restaurant again but. i think they've sworn off it until they find out what happened to dom, bc she's the only person they've ever trusted with their dream
so until then, bounty work ok wow i kind of love ray w a fucking. black electric rapier spike thing + black gloves and black jacket, leather fucking pants, DANGER BOY!!! then rey loves firearms but sometimes she JUST PUNCHES SHIT. SHE'S STRONG!!! fingerless gloves for the girl. cries I love my redheads
KEITH PROBABLY. WOULD BE A TRAINEE BOUNTY HUNTER/SCOUT AND PROBABLY HAS A MASSIVE CRUSH ON RAY LMFAO. ray is like lmfao (puts hand on head) u are So Short
keith: kkkdjdjsjhdhdhfnfbfbfjgjfjfj
rey voice god you have bad taste keith follows ray around like a puppy who wants to be helpful and ray doesnt particularly mind as long as he doesnt get in the way. but its like. this video (youtu.be/TJAqwSmbKJc)
SORRY KEITH HE LIKES HUNKS AND TWUNKS BUT UR TWINKISH TWUNK AT BEST but ray has a soft spot for him once keith proves he's actually super capable at his job
puppy gets head pats
god i wanna stick all my ocs in this au now jonah would be s service android who used to work for a family he really cherished but they were wiped out. so now he just. kind of drifts. AI technology is self learning so i believe at this point androids have largely gained sentience and semihumans treat them like one of them alister.... heh. fuck. i really want him to be an antagonist actually but a kind of misunderstood one. he's definitely the root of everything. he is probably the progenitor of the scourge and is a human mind implanted into a fully silicon body. who KNOWS how old he is in actuality he was a sick, dying child whose experimental treatment went horribly wrong
but this silicon body is stronger, faster, better. he feels no pain anymore. he can walk and run. but he's also immortal. and he can't be with humans bc contact with him is toxic humans with weak resistances died immediately once the plague started. so all the humans left are those who resisted full corruption
they went after the source of the plague, intending to kill to stop its spread
but even when they did get to alister, they couldnt kill him and boy they tried! took him into labs and did horrible things! some succumbed to the plague from overexposure to him but nothing seemed to stop
Alister decided he had enough, killed everyone in a haze, left, then decided to make silicon lifeforms
he was lonely! all of them are precious to him and every time a hunter kills one, he mourns
semihumans who become fully or mostly corrupted he considers part of his family too
GOD I COULD MAKE AND PORT SO MANY OCS
cade is about 60-70% corrupted. he's definitely in alister's ranks i gotta think tho bc i do want one pure human with the net terminal gene. probably hidden somewhere in one of those cryosomething freeze tanks
idk if i have an oc pure enough to fit the role i gotta check my roster
TO EXPLAIN THIS. you need the gene to access the netsphere the netsphere is like an evolved form of the internet that's sort of like heaven and also controls some things in base reality, like the robots that are in charge of automated construction of new structures- these have gone haywire which led to uncontrolled growth this is just canon material but my addition is that once alister went full silicon, he also unintentionally became connected to the netsphere without any real authority to do anything, but the system still detected a breach and it locked Everyone out after alister infected them originally only those of pure genetic pedigrees possessed the net gene haha i love caste systems but now they're all fucking Dead. i imagine life wasn't GREAT before the scourge but it was better than a semi-post-post scarcity environment where some places are uninhabitable so you have silicon life out hunting humans to protect alister, or just for territory, and security systems that have been tripped and now safeguards are running around killing everything that moves
safeguards are like antivirus programs but like. in base reality
GOD ALISTER GROWN UP BUT LIKE EVIL AESTHETIC. ALL BLACK EVERYTHING. he definitely has morphing skills, he can connect himself to technology and easily control it bc hes not organic, innocent boy is now twisted and sitting on his throne of black, corrupted human bones truthfully though alister just... wants to successfully turn more humans into silicon so he can make friends and be happy
it's sad that they don't usually survive. hundreds of years of loneliness dulled his moral compass
the silicon close to him feel like they're not enough they are hideous but fully sentient and intelligent with the same emotions as humans
but ig to alister it's not the same. he still loves them but. he truly was human in the past
in the end silicon can't truly replace flesh alex... is a high level safeguard with sentience unlike the low level automated ones that attack everything
fuck
ALEX OF ALL MY OCS TAKES THE PLACE OF KILLY IN CANON
THE FUCK
he'd probably operate differently tho. way more compassion
"once i find the net terminal gene, most likely the system will begin to purge all impurities. any and all corrupted will likely die.
... but i see no reason to shorten the life of a man already dead."
this includes the humans with resistances. people like rey, ray, keith all resistant humans are <50% corrupted. they cannot be allowed to live bc there is a chance exposure to toxic materials or alister will continue the process
but i think alex would change his mind and try to find a way to cure it using the net terminal gene he makes friends with the bounty hunting group, aka keith and the twins... and eventually they will find dom and. oh god what if dom is 80+ percent corrupted
what if they have to put her down
I AM MAKING MYSELF UPSET
BUT FUCK IT WPULD BE A GOOD CATALYST FOR ALEX TO CHANGE HIS MIND ABOUT LETTING ALL THE CORRUPTED DIE
AHHHHH also alex in an all black suit with a little cyan neck ribbon
I LOVE MY OCS SORRY
I ALSO LOVE BLAME AND SCIFI FUCK ME UP
anyway i think im done for now but ughghfjgh im thinking about this for days
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3 Things I Hate (But Still Do Every Day)
We’ve all got things we don’t like.
And some things we even hate. For the most part, these are things that just don’t jive with our worldview or our tastes. A movie or a type of music, a political or social issue. A type of food or drink.
And those things are largely matters of taste—and, to be fair, if you don’t like them, stay the hell away.
But when it comes to activities, most of the time we hate things for the wrong reasons.
Most of the time, we don’t hate doing things because of how we feel about them; we hate them because of how they make us feel about ourselves.
For example, if you made a list called “activities I “hate” and another called “things I’m bad at,” you would notice a lot of crossover.
It makes sense: we’re bad at things we dislike because we avoid them and don’t practice them—so we never get better at them.
What you don’t realize is that it’s actually the other way around. You aren’t bad at them because you avoid them; you avoid them because you’re bad at them.
Going a level deeper, we tell ourselves that you hate the activity. In reality, we hate being bad at it.
If you’re bad at something, you feel badly about being bad at it. So you avoid the activity to avoid the feeing you get from being bad at it. As a result, you never get better at it. The next time you have to do that activity, you’re just as bad and if not worse, and you hate the feeling even more.
This is called a negative feedback loop. We’ve all got them, for different activities.
And for the most part, they don’t impact our lives in any meaningful way.
I’ve got a negative feedback loop with basketball: I suck at it and hate sucking at it, so I just don’t play…etc, etc, etc.
Not playing basketball has zero effect on my life.
I’m sure you’ve got things like that. Maybe you hate dancing because you’re a bad dancer—outside of weddings, that’s not even going to register. Maybe you hate skiing because you’re a bad skier; doesn’t really matter, since snow covered mountains are pretty easy to avoid.
BUT. There are some things we avoid that are good for us.
Things we should be doing, even if we “hate” them because we’re bad at them. Things we should take the time to practice, and improve at because being good at them is going to make our lives better, improve our health, or help us in other ways.
And if you practice these things long enough, you’ll stop sucking at them, and you might just stop hating them.
You know what I’m talking about.
Chances are you didn’t always LOVE working out. And just about everyone is pretty bad at it when they start out. You did it because you knew it would help you hit your goals. Along the way, you developed skills and stopped hating it because you were no longer bad at it.
In other words, you crossed the proficiency threshold.
This is the point at which you develop enough skill to detach from the negative emotion brought about by being bad at something, and objectively assess whether you actually enjoy it.
But that’s something you need to work at. ESPECIALLY if you know the activity is something you need to be doing.
And that leads me into a quick group of things I am personally working on.
Three Things I “Hate” Because I’m Bad at Them, But Do EVERY Day
Like anyone else, I have stuff that I avoid because I’m bad at it, which makes me dislike it.
Unfortunately, I have a habit of avoiding things I know are very good for me, and that I need to be doing.
I’m working on changing this, so I’m currently doing these things EVERY day.
Meditation
This is the easiest and most obvious one, so I’ll start here.
Man, I suck at meditation. I’ve avoided it for years. Even though I know it’s great for concentration, creativity, happiness—all the things I need more of in my life.
And still, I avoided it. Because I hated how bad I was at it.
Something that has comforted me is the realization that EVERYONE kinda sucks at meditation. Because it’s hard. I’m probably worse than most people, but still.
I actually wrote an entire article about this, so I won’t rehash overmuch. But at somepoint, I decided that I needed the benefits more than I needed to avoid feeling stupid for being bad at it.
So I dove in.
Now, I meditate for 10-15 minutes every morning.
I use a few apps to help me. One is called Headspace, which you may have heard of. The other is called Sphere, which is new.
I’ve been doing this for several months now.
And guess what? I’m STILL horrible at it. But I’m not as horrible as I used to be. And I’ve definitely seen drastic improvement in concentration and discipline.
You absolutely need to be meditating, and you can do it in just 10-15 minutes.
Writing By Hand
I know it might seem odd for someone who writes for a living to avoid writing in any capacity, but, yeah. I do.
Here’s the thing: I have terrible handwriting.
Truly bad. It’s always been messy—I blame this on being left handed—but in addition to being unskilled, I’m now also unpracticed. I haven’t had to write much by hand since college. And that was like 15 years ago.
Predictably, by limiting my practice over 15 years at this thing I was already bad at, I’ve gotten even worse at it.
My handwriting is messy by default, but whenever I need to write something by hand, I put in a lot of effort to keep it need. This is physically exhausting (my hand cramps) and very slow.
Even writing out a birthday card can take me 10 minutes…if I want the recipient to actually be able to read it.
Of course, you don’t NEED to write things by hand, but it’s something you SHOULD be doing.
Writing by hand (rather than on a computer or phone) improves memory, focus, and there’s even been evidence to suggest that it helps prevent the onset of conditions like dementia and Alzheimer’s.
On top of that, I personally find that writing by hand allows me to be more freely creative, and not suffer from writer’s block.
So, this is something I really can’t avoid just because I have bad handwriting.
Which is why I’ve been doing it every single day for the past few weeks.
Here’s how I work it into my day: I take 5-10 minutes in the morning to write in my little leather-bound notebook. My goal is to keep my handwriting neat, and I’m always working to go faster the previous day.
I’m not journaling (I do that at night); I just write down a few errant thoughts, my to-do list for the day, and either a song lyric or a quote from a book or movie that’s been on my mind.
Today, I wrote this:
“There is one rule, above all, for being a man: whatever comes, face it on your feet.”
—Robert Jordan, The Great Hunt (Volume 2 of The Wheel of Time)
It’s just been in my head lately.
Over the last few weeks, my handwriting has gotten a little better and my hand is cramping less. I’m not winning any calligraphy awards, but I’m less terrible than I was.
And you know what? I hate it a lot less.
You NEED to be writing by hand. At least if you want to be creative and prevent Alzheimer’s. Just 5 minutes a day, yo. DO IT.
Yoga
Okay. This is the big one.
First, let me establish this. I avoided yoga like the plague for years and years and years. Occasionally, someone would drag me to a yoga class and I would HATE it.
I was really bad at it. And everyone in the class was good. And that made me feel terrible.
And I knew I needed yoga. EVERYONE needs yoga.
It’s great for flexibility, stability, mobility, and balance.
I tried to convince myself that I didn’t need yoga, that it wasn’t “for me” because I get everything I needed from training with weights.
But you know what makes you better at training with weights, and makes it more effective?
Yoga.
Because in addition to helping you develop strength in new ways, the aforementioned flexibility, stability, and mobility help you avoid injuries—which is the primary thing that derails people.
Yoga is also great for active recovery—which means that you can use it to help you make more progress on days between weight training if you’re trying to gain muscle. If you’re trying to lose fat, it’s a great way to burn extra calories and facilitate recovery without adding too much intensity.
The thing is, even knowing all the benefits of yoga, I could never stick with it long enough to cross the proficiency threshold. I just always sucked, and gave it up, and then avoided it for a long time.
Over and over and over.
Now, at 34 years old, I need yoga more than ever.
So, I decided to cut out the anxiety that committing to a 60-minute yoga class was giving me and start with just a few, simple 15-20 minute yoga flows that I can do at home.
ANYONE can free up 15-20 minutes a day. Even if it’s for something they “hate” — as long as it’s going to help them feel and perform better.
Even a meathead like me isn’t too busy or too inflexible or too stubborn to do a 15-minute yoga flow.
So, that’s exactly what I’ve been doing.
Normally, I do this before I head to the gym, OR in the middle of the day when I need a break from work and realize I’ve been sitting for way too long.
I’m not going to tell you I like yoga.
I’m not even going to tell you I don’t hate it. And I’m certainly not going to say I don’t suck at it anymore.
BUT – it’s only 15-20 minutes. And that’s not that bad. I’m feeling better, too. My joints are less achy, my lower back isn’t quite as angry at me. AND, my shoulders are looking denser and more vascular, which is sick.
Yoga will possibly change your body and your life. But, if you’re like me, you’ll still suck at it and you may never stop hating it.
But do it anyway, because you’re only entitled to one body, and once you break it you gotta deal with that.
Give it a shot today.
Now, I’m going to skip over my usual pitch for my coaching program because by now you know about the outrageous results that my clients get, so I’ll just say that we currently have a couple of spots open for anyone looking to gain some more muscle or lean up over the next few months.
If that’s you, let’s talk.
>>> Click here to apply. <<<
I can’t wait to work with you.
The post 3 Things I Hate (But Still Do Every Day) appeared first on Roman Fitness Systems.
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