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jhuzen · 1 year

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Hello! I’m not sure if you’re taking requests so feel free to just ignore this! I’m also not sure if you write for Baizhu but I was thinking of maybe m!reader and his first time doing the do but reader is so scared of hurting him the whole time because his body is so weak

gently, gently [m.reader]

alt title: ゆっくりゆっくり；i am but a horny gae man. this is pure indulgence (like any other smut that i made jfc) in behalf of the request. i guess… count this also as a ritual before i pull for the new husbando? i mean, he’s still like a good many weeks away since he’s in the second half of the bloody patch so… ye anw, i hope i delivered, my dear anon <3

𖦹 soft sex because i am feeling soft, top reader, is this me projecting? yes.

A plethora of words come to Baizhu’s mind whenever someone would ask what kind of a lover you are. Really, you were sure that Baizhu can comb through the entire dictionary just to find an adjective and it still wouldn’t be enough. However, despite all that, what remained consistent was his constant praise of you. You are his pride and joy, after all. He was never one to shy away from boasting about you whenever he can.

You were majestic, absolutely charming, kind, clever, passionate, and the list goes on should anyone even ask about you from the famed pharmacist. Not a single person who hasn’t asked about you never knew how deeply Baizhu held his admiration and appreciation for you.

And when he can, Baizhu would most definitely show it to you physically, to make sure to leave a mark as a solid proof of his adoration for you. With every kiss, very touch, no matter how subtle or otherwise, it was something that he made sure was chockfull of love and care. And ever the charming man you are, you would leave him swooning at your equally gentle responses to his affections.

But even your hypnotic charms could never sway the fact that you tend to avoid an act that proves to be far more intimate — Baizhu quickly noticed (how could he not, when you stammered out and carefully tucked him in like a child the very first time you and him gave it a try). Though admittedly, it was rather endearing to see you make a poor attempt on finessing your way out of it, it still was concerning.

And even now as he sat comfortably on your lap, with your hands gingerly gripping his bare waist while you kissed back with fervor and hunger, Baizhu could tell the way your hands around him tensed ever so slightly whenever his hands would roam to touch the skin of your neck, down to your clavicle.

Both of you parted to take in the air that your kisses deprived you of, and Baizhu had a chance get a good look at your pretty face. His golden eyes softened behind his glasses, looking at you so tenderly that even you couldn’t help but notice and imminently melt from. You always were rendered speechless at times like these — when your beloved would drag you out to face the bliss of intimacy.

However that loving haze in your eyes was quickly flushed out the moment his nimble fingers found its way to unbutton your neatly pressed dress shirt.

Your hands flew to his, minding your strength as you smiled up at him, “It’s alright, love, I can go change on my own,” it was an incredibly weak excuse, but you’d rather that than give into your instincts at this point;

A frown tugged on Baizhu’s soft limbs and guilt quickly strapped you down, “Hey now, don’t make that face,” you cupped his cheek, flashing him a smile of solid reassurance. “I won’t be long, I promise. After that, I’m all yours.” With some limitations. Your mind gently reminded, which you so begrudgingly agreed to.

A sigh escaped through Baizhu as he looked at you with nothing but utter confusion, “I hadn’t intended to bring this up in the slightest bit, dearest, but… is there something wrong?” The sweetest concern laced his every word and it took every bit of willpower not to take him then and there. “I feel as though you have been avoiding acts of… intimacy. Though there is not a problem with that, but I think there is merit to you telling me what the problem is, yes?”

You nodded quickly, pliant and unable to resist Baizhu’s sweet coaxing. “Ah… there’s no problem, it’s just…” you trailed off, your words quickly clogging your throat.

You tore your eyes away quickly and ended up looking down, looking at the way your lover’s chest heaved, resisting the carnal urge to just tear his clothes open and ravage him. You of all people craved Baizhu’s touch, but continuously refrained because you feared having to hurt him in the middle of such an intimate act. And you’d rather not engage in it, than have your dearest boyfriend associate some form of pain in such an activity that only sought to bring pleasure.

Baizhu quickly noticed your hesitance, following your gaze as he made you look back up at him, “Just…?” He pried further.

Your hands grasped at his body, lightly squeezing his supple waist. Baizhu instinctively went closer, almost pressing himself up against you with need, “Just… I don’t want to hurt you.” You always treated him as though he was someone that could break, and you weren’t going to start now just so you can feel good. “But it doesn’t particularly bother me. I don’t mind it.”

“Oh dear, that’s what got you all twisted?” Baizhu softly tuts, cooing at you before peppering your face with tiny pecks, “Well, I don’t particularly mind either. I trust that you wouldn’t even do such a thing to me. You treat me so well, [Name]… I couldn’t even imagine a single scenario where I would get hurt in your company.”

You could slowly feel what little bit of restraint that you had on you slipping, Baizhu was willingly offering himself to you, trusting you so openly and you couldn’t even do that. No. It was your control that you never had much confidence in.

But if your lovely partner holds a far higher expectation from you, then who are you to disappoint?

Soft and quiet gasps weaseled out of Baizhu’s swollen and lightly bruised kissed lips, filling the room with delectable mewls that almost sent you into overdrive. He writhed against the plush mattress of your shared bed, grasping onto the sheets with the tightest grip that he could muster.

It felt all too good, feeling the way your long slender fingers prodding within his walls. Baizhu squirmed, but your firm yet gentle grip on the dip of his waist refrained him from running away, leaving him completely intoxicated at the sensation. He can only imagine just how much better it would feel if you finally replaced those modest fingers of yours with something far more enticing.

“H-Hah~ More, [Name], more, ” Baizhu whimpered, completely breathless as his hips jolted up when your fingers brushed up against his prostate. His knees felt weak in an instant and that look in your eyes was all the more alluring.

Your ministrations were gentle, careful, and incredibly precise. Even with the green light he had given, you still made an effort to just as cautious in the first place — you felt through the entire thing, eyes gleaming with concentration as you looked at your lover’s flushed pretty face for any form of discomfort, determined to call it off if he so much as contorts his face into a look of pain.

But even that did little to quell the needy monster that festered within you, showing you how truly desperate it was by the way every moan that echoed through the room from your lover had your cock twitching with an aching need to be enveloped by his warmth. You bit your lip in anticipation, adding in a third finger while you continued to prepare him so meticulously, handling him so gingerly that you were even remotely afraid to break him just by this.

“Just a little more, ‘Zhu,” you whispered, contained and reassuring, almost hissing in absolute delight when you felt him dig his nails into your arms, determined to keep himself still despite the waves of pleasure that you brought to him.

“Love, please,” Baizhu begs through a shaky voice, “I need you now…”

You stopped, as a look of hesitance crossed your features, “As much as I’d love to as well, I don’t think it’s a good idea. I don’t want to—”

“You won’t,” Baizhu interjected quick, his tone leaning into desperation. With the way he clutched onto your arm, squeezing it with reassurance, and the way his golden eyes shone so earnestly, you couldn’t even muster an ounce of will to resist it. “I will tell you if it’s too much… sound good?”

You broke out in a small smile, chuckling a little, “How odd is it that when I’m supposed to be comforting you, you’re the one who does it for me instead.”

“Not too odd,” Baizhu shared the fondness with a grin before poking your forehead, “It’s how this relationship works, y’know. Now, please… I believe I’ve been waiting for far too long, hm?”

“I’ll make it worth your while then.”

A sensation of pure pleasure ran down Baizhu’s spine when you pulled your fingers out, his entrance clenching so greedily, so incredibly in need of you. You never once pegged for your beloved to be so needy in the first place, but you figured you’ve strung him along for far too long that he deserved to have his demands met even just for the night.

You shifted around as you positioned yourself in between his legs, grabbing hold of his thighs to spread them apart. He looked so delicate like this, looking at you with so much anticipation with a haze of lust swirling between those naturally coy eyes of his. You couldn’t help but squeeze his thighs a little when your gaze drifted downwards. Your lover, by all means, was not small, but the sight of him being dwarfed by you was enough to set you in motion.

You threw him a cautionary glance one last time, but all he had to do was give you a nod and a reassuring smile before finally letting yourself loose, lathering your erection a generous amount of lube. You swiftly lined yourself up within his entrance, the tip of your cock lightly brushing against his quivering entrance.

“So erotic, ‘Zhu,” you murmured, but it was loud enough for Baizhu to hear. “Now I wonder just what have you been doing before all this.” You watched as Baizhu covered his mouth with the back of his hand, looking away just a tad bit to not meet your piercing gaze, “Oh? Does that imply that you’ve done something in the first place?”

Baizhu could only shake his head in protest and denial. He could never do such a thing, not when you’re not with him, at least. But if he was being honest, you are partly to blame for making him feel so flustered in the first place.

You pressed a quick kiss on his temple, “Ready?” You whispered, sweet and considerate, and Baizhu could only meekly nod, bracing himself.

His face contorts into a mild wince the very moment you ease yourself inside him, little by little as you test the waters. But Baizhu endured the slight discomfort, his toes curling at the sheer girth that he had to take in. A quiet wail was drawn out from him, hips rolling already for more and you were far more happy to oblige.

You wrapped his legs around you and thrusted the rest of you inside, indulging in your beloved’s most delectable noises.

“So tight,” you hissed through your teeth, eyes almost rolling to the back of your head at the way Baizhu’s walls hugged your cock tight, clenching around you even tighter, ready to milk you dry for days on end. You looked at your lover, “How does it feel? Does it hurt?”

Ragged breathing was all you heard from the man underneath you before laughing a little, “Not so much…” you could only sigh as Baizhu continued to try and regain his breathing.

“Love we’ve barely started, how are you already so spent?”

“Give me some considerations, at least…” he took a big gulp of air. “I feel like you punched the air out of me.”

You snickered, brushing back his fringe away from his forehead damp with sweat before sneaking in another tender kiss, “Let’s hope that doesn’t actually come into fruition or this will never happen again.” You shifted a little, prompting your partner to squirm at the sensation.

He felt so full — stuffed to the brim with your cock and despite the initial discomfort, Baizhu found himself getting obsessed at the very feeling. There was something so alluring at the feeling of just being full of you. You truly are worth the wait. On top of that, still being so considerate of his condition? No one else can get better than you, Baizhu thinks.

The stillness was disrupted when Baizhu finally urged you to move.

You started with slow, languid thrusts, finding yourself completely entranced and mesmerized by the adorable noises that you never knew your lover was even capable of in the first place. You loved the way his gummy walls clenched around your cock, enveloping you into a warmth that can render you completely senseless. It felt good, so, so good to finally be inside him after holding back for so long, and much like you were to Baizhu, you find yourself caving into the fact that he was also worth the wait.

Caging him in, you placed your hands behind his head, cushioning it as you draped yourself over him without too much force. You needed as much contact as you could after depriving yourself from this feeling, and with the way Baizhu seemed to cave into your form, fitting in perfectly like he was molded to complement you told you he felt the same thing.

Your hips moved with a steady pace, and you relished in the strangled gasps that Baizhu would emit, his mouth conjuring the most pornographic moans, the sweetest sighs and pleas right next to your ear as you laid your head on his shoulder.

And Baizhu could only jolt with every deep thrust, his mind numbing at the feeling of you burrowed so deep inside him, hitting all the right spot.

“H-Hah… you feel so good, baby boy,” you huffed, already mouthing at the juncture of his neck, eager to bite and leave a mark.

“F-Faster, please~!”

A girlish moan squeezes out of your lover’s mouth when you quickly oblige, picking up the pace with an equally consistent deep thrusts that reached the deepest parts within him. Baizhu’s mind was muddled with a haze of pure lust with every time your cock would hit that sweet spot of his, making him clench harder, almost keeping you in place as he licked up the pleasurable feeling.

Suddenly, the intricate touches turned sloppy, haphazard in feeling. Baizhu’s trembling hands clawed into your broad back as he tried to ground himself in reality before he could even get lost in more waves of unadulterated euphoria. Tears pricked at the ends of his eyes as his weeping cock also rubbed up against your abdomen with every move you make, smearing precum on your skin.

Baizhu’s eyes screwed shut — he knows he promised to tell you when it feels too much, but surely this was an exception? He chants your name like a mantra, mixing in with his breathless pleading with every second, you hissed at his nails scratching against the skin of your back before moving even faster, throwing the one rule you’ve made with reckless abandon.

Intensity wafted within the room the room growing hotter, the delectable sinful sounds bouncing off the walls was only something Baizhu could hope not a single neighbor of yours can hear.

You thrusted with fervor, with a pace so brutal that your lover’s body shudders. Baizhu wasn’t even sure at this point if he came — far too fucked out of his mind to comprehend things, all he could do was hold onto you for dear life while you devoured him whole. Cries spilled from his mouth, antagonizing your low, pleased grunts, the bed creaked with every movement as pleasure overtook both of your senses.

“[Name]— I-I— I’m close…!” A wanton squeal interrupts Baizhu’s poor attempt at a warning the moment you took his cock in your hand, squeezing it before pumping him with a pace that could match your thrusts.

“C’mon baby,” you rasped, completely out of breath, but even that was nothing compared to Baizhu, who so desperately tried to catch up with you. “Cum for me, love. Come on.”

And your lover obliges, unable to even hold back as he arches his back up, convulsing when he came, spending himself into your hand with little to no restraint. But even he had barely any chance to catch his breath when you finally focused on your own pleasure, hand leaving his limp cock as you held his hips with a bruising grip.

Archons, poor Baizhu’s legs almost gave out the moment you reached your climax, spilling yourself inside him with the intent to fill him up to the brim.

Hah… So full… His legs soon fell from around your waist, hips still in tremors as he slowly took in the warmth your seed gave him.

The room was silent, save for both of you trying to regain your breathing and some sanity.

Your mind was clouded while you indulged in the high of your orgasm, only looking at Baizhu and how the bedside lamp in your dim room managed to illuminate his best features despite what you just did to him.

You smiled a little, reaching a hand to wipe away some sweat that dotted your lover’s forehead, “You okay?” And in just that question, in an instant the feverish monster in bed dissipated as your gentle visage entered Baizhu’s vision.

He took your hand and kissed it with an equally pleased smile, “Very much…”

The both of you basked in each other’s company as the lamp flickered through the dim room.

You dipped down and gave him a quick peck on the lips, “I’ll go get some towels.” You whispered against the corner of his lips before getting up, only to be stopped by your beloved instead.

“Maybe later…?” Baizhu pleads with an endearingly hopeful smile.

You nodded.

“…Maybe later.”

#i just wanna treat a man right yknow #can u tell i am lonely by this fic #im so sorry #genshin impact x male reader #baizhu x male reader #jhuzen’s stupid one shots #jhuzen’s shameless filth #next one #i’ll pick it up with a delicious yandere reader

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firstkanaphans · 6 months

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Oh the lengths I'd go to see the bts of the apartment fight scene 😭😭😭😭😭 that must've been so tough on FirstKhao but JFC???!?!?!??? THEIR TALENT???????? I'm still in shock, I'll need the whole week to recover

Judging by the five (5!) asks I have in my inbox, y’all really want to talk about the apartment scene 😂 So let’s do it!

First, just a little background on me. I work with addicts on a daily basis and although it’s not alcohol addiction I’m dealing with, the psychology of it is the same. I’ve seen a few people be critical of Ray choosing to change for someone other than himself, but—and I cannot stress this enough—if someone wants to change at all, I don’t really give a fuck what their reason is. Do you know how hard it is to make people want to change?

In my experience, most people want to change for someone else because most people with an addiction have already been so beaten down by the addiction itself that they no longer think they’re worth saving. Someone genuinely wanting to change for themself comes later. At the beginning, people are usually motivated by their family.

The danger of this, of course, is that if you lose your reason to change, you also lose your motivation to change, and this is what we see happen between Sand and Ray in the apartment scene.

Ray spends the majority of this episode very blasé about rehab. He still doesn’t think he has a problem and is essentially just going through the motions to please Sand. He’s throwing away his wine bottles, but not in a way that’s permanent. He doesn’t pour them out. He doesn’t even get rid of all of them and he’s sipping on a glass of whiskey as he does it. He’s doing it for show. So when he learns that Sand isn’t just asking him to go to rehab out of the goodness of his heart—that he’s getting paid to do it—Ray finally has what he has wanted all along: an excuse not to go.

I think something people don’t talk about enough when it comes to addiction is how comforting the addiction is to the person who’s addicted. It’s their security blanket. It’s the thing that helps them get through the day. Often, it’s the only thing that makes them want to be alive even as it’s slowly killing them. Any normal person is going to be resistant to that change. So Ray gives Sand what he thinks is an impossible ultimatum: You tell your father who you are (something you have spent the past twenty-two years not doing) and I will go to rehab.

Only Sand cares about him so much that he actually does it.

I truly believe that even in the absence of Ray’s father paying Sand, their blow-up in the apartment would have happened anyway. Ray would have found something to sever ties with Sand over because without Sand, he has no obligation to go to rehab. Addicts will do anything—and hurt anyone—to keep the source of their addiction close. And I also think that there’s still a part of Ray that wants to save Sand from himself. He said it to Mew early on: “You deserve a nice guy.” Ray thinks Sand deserves someone better.

Khaotung acted his ass off this whole episode, but what I really loved was the nuance First brought to Sand’s character. He lets Ray yell because he knows he’s done wrong, but he also understands that they aren’t just yelling about the money. He knows Ray doesn’t actually believe what he’s saying. Sand has always refused any money Ray gave him. He’s been nothing but caring. Nothing but kind. He knows that Ray’s trying to push him away and he has no choice but to let him. No choice but to continue letting Ray hurt himself.

And then, after the fight, we see Ray drinking again, no longer even trying to pretend, and my favorite part of the entire episode is the fact that what makes Ray finally choose to get help is the knowledge that he has hurt Sand. The realization of how much pain he has caused him. The acknowledgement that this relationship is the most important thing to him and he’s willing to do absolutely anything he can to save it.

My dad got sober for me and my sister. My best friend got sober for her unborn child. That is the kind of love we're working with here. The kind of love that makes you want to be a better person.

#only friends the series #asks #but yes the bts are going to be crazy #they'll probably have me sobbing again #how much do you want to bet first was just sitting there the whole time like “don't cry don't cry don't cry” 😂

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cressthebest · 9 days

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Crimson Rivers thoughts pt. 12

chapter 22:

1. 😟😟 all james wants is for sirius to be there for james the way james ALWAYS was for sirius

2. 😟 james wished hodge happy birthday even though hodge died yesterday. i- i am not okay

3. “Regulus never fails to look up. Evan would be proud of him for that, he thinks.” 😧 that was vile to put in there

4. james has resorted to BEGGING for medicine from sirius and can’t understand why sirius won’t send any. this hurts so bad

5. nope. i’m done. i can’t read any more. james started looking forward to death cause he would be out of this arena and out of pain. jfc i’m done

6. anyways. i’m back cause i couldn’t stop reading.

7. REGULUS AND JAMES ARE REUNITED!!! THANK GOD!!! 😊

8. 😧 wait nevermind. james just mistook regulus for sirius. “James has never, not once in his life under any circumstances, mistaken Regulus for Sirius”

9. james is delulu from medicine and reg just found out that the plan has always been to get reg home. this hits like a motherfucking truck

10. james is high as a fucking kite, can’t figure out why “sirius” is being mean to him, cause he’s never been mean to him. and is also wondering why “sirius” is oddly attractive for being mean

11. it takes james half a chapter, and reg cutting his shirt for james to realize it’s not sirius. cause sirius has different scars. i love james sm 😭😭

12. “What was Sirius thinking? Drugging James? In the middle of the fucking hunger games? That might be the most idiotic thing Regulus has ever known his brother to do, and this is Sirius he's talking about, so that's saying a lot. Sirius once flipped a cigarette in the air and tried to catch it with his mouth while it was lit, and kept doing it until he could actually consistently manage it, no matter how much it burned him. Though, in fairness, he can still do that trick to this day.”

LMAO WHAT??? that’s so random and i love it

13. 😧 legit sobbing. reg says that james lost the spark in his eyes. and he’s the one person he expected to never lose his spark

14. reg reveals that they both can go home. james’ spark is back. i’m sobbing harder now. they’re so in love

15. i eat, breathe, and dream those author end notes. bizzarestars writes their end notes the way my brain processes the fic. <33

chapter 23:

1. starting the chapter off with pain, i see. losing vanity changed james. like. horribly changed him.

2. “What Regulus hates more than James is his suffering.” jfc he’s so emotionally constipated

3. james is sad and all reg can think is hmmmm i want him to start flirting with me again, because it meant he was happy bitch wtf

4. awww they’re cuddling and just got a package! my babies are gonna make it out!

5. reg realizes he has to put on a show, so he offers to feed james. and wants to gouge his eyeballs out for offering that. 😭😭😭😭

6. i’m dying from embarrassment but this is also so fucking funny. reg is like. let’s talk about our feelings. for each other. and james is just like *head tilt* ???

7. “"You weren't my first crush, James," Regulus whispers. "You were my first love."”

james didn’t just make reg feel good, he made reg feel and i am NOT okay.

8. “This whole time, Regulus has been steady on the fact that he wouldn't kiss James to save his own life, but he's apparently willing to do it to save James'.”

JFC why is he so emotionally constipated???

9. THEY KISS????? james is gonna be heartbroken when he realizes it was all an act

10. oh thank god james realized. at least it broke his heart now and not in two weeks

11. *squints* now reg has never wanted anything more than this kiss. girl. please. realize.

12. god, i’ve never read a kiss more beautifully and emotionally desperate written.

13. 😏 reg called him baby again!

14. oh god, maybe i’m just as bad as everyone in the hallow. maybe i’m just as bad as them. cause i enjoy their romance. i enjoy it so much. maybe i’m just as bad as the hallow for that. i- i think this every time i read the hunger games.

15. “James wants to sink his teeth into Regulus and leave the deep imprints of his teeth from one jutting hip bone to the other.” sometimes i forget that jegulus is a little unhinged in ways like this. and every time i’m reminded, I LOVE IT

16. “"You treat me like I'm stupid for daring to see good in people, but if there's no good in anyone, then what's the fucking point?"”

this entire section. this. this is what james is all about

17. 😟 authors note just told me i’m no better than a hallow. for my excitement over jegulus. and- yeah. i guess so. i’m so sorry y’all

#marauders #regulus black #james potter #jegulus #fanfic #sirius black #sunseeker #starchaser #crimson rivers

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frecklystars · 3 days

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Hi, I need some help if anyone has advice or something. Or even just a “that’s rough buddy”

Last night I had one of the worst breakdowns I’ve had in a long time bc I saw a commission of my abuser with stsc. She commissions artists just about every single day of herself with TF characters, so I always avoid the tumblr search tags. Even non-TF artists I feel wary of bc it doesn’t matter, if you’re an artist and your comms are open, she will buy from you and it’s always her self insert/OC. I never look up self shipping or transformers or anything like that in the tumblr search. I never interact with anything she’s a part of. But this time I was simply searching up something entirely unrelated in a browser, and she just - she showed up. She fucking showed up! All of this time I take to be so careful, to limit my tumblr experience drastically just to protect myself, and yet I still see her. I cannot believe how easy it is to find my abuser floating around online because she commissions people every single day. I wasn’t even on tumblr and I still managed to see her. It was just… Google images. No keywords that could have possibly led to me seeing that, but she showed up as one of the first results in the images and I just. had the worst reaction ever. Understandably

It was her pink OC, and very long story I won’t bother you with, my abuser’s pink OC is the reason why the color pink became a cptsd trigger for me in 2022, and I was really struggling with that shit when it was fresh. Obviously I got better with it because uh, I’m a Barbie blog now, but I still have my bad days with it and I’ve never been fully okay with pink. I never feel fully “safe” around it. Which sucks. But I was at the point where I could tolerate it. Well, until now 😭 ugh

Seeing my abuser was already a big shock, obviously horrible. Seeing my abuser be lovey and soft with stsc was also really horrible. But seeing the pink and immediately my brain saying “oh look it’s pink, that’s dangerous, but maybe it’s Barbie pi— ohhh nooo, that’s your abuser, she’s right there!!! That’s her!!! In the pink!!! I told you pink was a trigger!!! You’re in danger now you’re gonna die!!!” makes me feel like I’ve gone backwards in my healing process and I’m afraid that’s irreversible. I know healing isn’t linear and I know setbacks are normal, but this feels different. It was Barbie pink, like the hot magenta color you see on the album cover? I feel sick typing this jfc. My abuser is now associated with Barbie pink in my brain. I don’t know how to fix this. It used to be more of a milky pink that would bother me bc THAT is what her OC color used to be, but now apparently she’s? Barbie pink???? And a paranoid part of me believes she might have changed it on purpose just to fuck with me because she knows I see her commissions everywhere I go, because one of our last conversations we ever had was her saying she was fully aware how much her own s/i was a trigger for me. This is so much worse bc now every time I see Barbie Pink I’m not gonna think of Barbie! I’m thinking of the person who nearly fucking killed me multiple times!

I was doing soo much better with my pink trigger. I associated pink with how safe and loved Barbie and Ken make me feel. The hot magenta Barbie Pink made me feel the safest because that’s LITERALLY Barbie pink. I would still get tense seeing it but then I’d immediately say to myself “that’s Barbie pink. That’s Barbies color. Barbie would never let my abuser come near me, because she’s a girls girl, and she’s smart, she would not allow herself to be manipulated, she’d keep me safe” etc etc. and I would almost immediately be totally fine with looking at the color, my tense feeling would melt away most of the time. i was doing so much better but now it’s like this is ruining all of my progress. My abuser’s main color now is Barbie pink and I feel really sick.

I’m extremely shaken up over not just seeing my abuser again, in a commission no less (which she’d often use against me, so seeing TF commissions of any sort give me bad reactions, hence why I don’t even look at TF fanart whatsoever even if I wasn’t triggered by the actual franchise) but also seeing the very Thing that turned pink into a trigger in the first place. I feel very hopeless bc I miss stsc but seeing him be romantic in a commission with my abuser, on top of the trauma associated with him just in general because of said abuser, makes me feel so impossible to reach him. So not only do I feel hopeless and miss my starlight so fucking badly, as I do everyday, but now I feel worse with the color pink. I don’t want this to ruin Barbie for me. I don’t want to be scared of the very thing that was helping me heal this far.

I don’t know how to fix this. I’m hoping I will eventually bounce back from this major trigger of seeing my abuser AND tf together, like this was a triple hit on me, had three major triggers in one image — I’m just hoping I’ll… move on?? And then maybe pink will go back to being tolerable again? But I’m scared it won’t. I’m scared I really cannot heal no matter what I try to do

Anyway idk what kind of advice I’m even asking for, maybe reassurance that it’s gonna be ok. Or something 😔 literally anything helps I don’t care WHAT it is, if anyone can spare something nice in my inbox or the replies, I will super appreciate it

#vent #ptsd #ok so. actually I’ve queued this post and I’m not online rn . i am hopefully asleep #but when I wake up I will read and appreciate any messages 😭

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waynedunlaptheorgandonor · 1 month

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absolutely no hate toward the richonne fandom, i am très happy for you and hope you remain well-fed, but jfc, seeing those gifs on my dash makes the sleeper agent that lives in my internal organs start to roll around and threaten to wake from its slumber bc i Cannot think about anything but how badly i want to be well-fed as a caryl shipper, and i am so resentful at how much this show/ship still has a hold on me. 99% of the time i can suppress it, but the second something reminds me of caryl i start to become unhinged. this ship has permanently rewired the circuits in my brain and i will never be truly free 💀

(if caryl ever gets a sex scene or a proposal i think i will be fundamentally changed as a person 💀)

(i don't even watch towl!! i've just seen the gifs 💀)

(i miss caryl 😔)

#twd towl spoilers #but only super vague ones #this isn't actually about towl #i just don't want to spoil anyone about anything on accident #common courtesy and all that #anyway kill me #caryl #twd #dunlap tp

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aprillikesthings · 1 month

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s5 ep8 Shot in the dark

woohooo

Off topic but while looking for fan art of Catra from the portal (ugh I need to try different tags) I instead saw a bunch of anti-Catra and anti-Catradora and anti-spop blogs and jfc people need to get a life and touch some grass and if I'm saying that--

(I mean, I did leave the house today with Saer and their mom, we went to Powell's books where I spent too much money but I got a couple of wlw manga and a Judith Butler book among a few other things, and also we went to a vintage clothing store that seemed to have NO END but I bought one thing there, a lavender satin bathrobe, the short kind; the only thing wrong with it was that it's a bit faded in some places and it's a little small on me but it's a bathrobe, and it was like $26 AND 100% SILK)

a question many astronauts have surely asked as well!

these two squabbling but not actually fighting always sounds like flirting, it doesn't help that a split second after that screenshot, Catra actually smiles for a second

Look. I love them.

Bow: "Adora, Catra's right" Everyone's eyes: go wide Bow: "...that felt weird to say"

the startled noise they all make when he starts talking lolol

but Catra has some flashes (from when she was in the hive mind) and says Krytis is a planet, nice. There's something there Horde Prime doesn't want them to know--so they head for Krytis, roll intro theme

oh man they really did start changing this up every episode. Look at poor Perfuma's face.

Anyway on Krytis they find an old Horde ship and everyone else is trying to figure out what happened but poor Catra is remembering what it was like to be chipped :(

there's a cute moment when she notices her tail is all fluffy from fear and smooths it out before joining the others

there's a "crack" video where Entrapta's little walk here is dubbed with a clip from an ancient Spiderman show's theme song

ahaha

LOOK AT HER the way Bow says this is so great

POOR CATRA

Adora laughs longer than anyone else after Catra gets the helmet off and Catra blushes and smiles and everyone stands around not wanting the ruin the moment--and then Entrapta finds something and squeals and startles the shit out of everyone and it's SO GREAT

Catra: "So, wait, the plan is to barge ahead into the structurally unsound building to find some mystery person that we know nothing about, in hopes that they somehow know how to defeat Horde Prime?"

Bow: "You know, we were just gonna recklessly blast our way through that blockade until you stopped us. So this whole thing is basically your idea."

Catra's starting to realize what DORKS they all are and that good-natured teasing is just part of the deal

the GLEE with which they are including her

I didn't mean to get a screenshot that makes it look like Adora is staring at Catra's butt, but(t) I'm not mad about it

Meanwhile, on Etheria:

yikes

"and yet we're still stuck with you?"

HAH

Back on Krytis Wrong Hordak is having an existential crisis as he realizes Horde Prime is not perfect

Catra fuckin' slices a door into the wall

Bow: dunno if that's safe Glimmer: yeah I'm not sure about this either Adora: MY GIRLFRIEND IS STRONK and has v sharp claws isn't she perfect

seriously tho Adora is BLUSHING

Catra's face

Glimmer's too, actually

oh god it's the bit where Catra keeps sneezing at the spore things in the air and Bow is just like 🥺

Adora's reaction to this conversation is also priceless

Anyway a second later, Catra leans on the wall and sinks into it, she shrieks and Adora yells "CATRA!!" and when they pull her out the wall starts sending out HUGE MURDER SPIKES

Back on Etheria:

Castaspella: "You said you had a plan. The only reason I'm following you is because if anyone would know about mind control, it's you." Shadow Weaver: "Mind control? Is that what they told you? No. My gifts were always far subtler."

I dunno, I think torturing kids is hardly "subtle." But abuse is often hard to spot while it's happening to you.

y'know, like this shit

Okay in fairness she says she was less powerful as well and now he's chipped he's under control by the enemy and they're not strong enough to fight him

On Krytis, the Squad realizes they've gotten confused/turned around in the abandoned ship--"Isn't this where we started?!" There's a growling noise. The hallway somehow gets longer while they're walking in it. Creepy as fuck.

Oh and also it turns out Horde Prime and the First Ones fought over Krytis ages ago and Prime won but then abandoned the place anyway.

Entrapta: also there's someone right behind you

yay i know who this is lol

ALSO Catra insisting on protecting everyone is v cute

also it took me three times to get this screenshot ahahaha

and when she tackles it they both disappear

the audible PANIC

OH HEY i hit the image limit okay hold on

#april rewatches spop #shot in the dark

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moony-2001 · 4 months

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Lore Olympus ep. 256 critique

A note from last episode

One thing I forgot to mention in my last episode critique is why would Apollo even be allowed to take the throne? Hera still exists. Zeus has brothers who could step up. Other legitimate children. Obviously, Apollo is the “de facto” ruler for the sole reason that the plot needs to be driven forward somehow, but realistically Apollo would be, like, the last person who’s allowed to step up. Speaking of which, where is Artemis? She knows what Apollo is like. Why doesn’t she step up if they’re letting literally anyone rule?

Ah, yes, of course. Our fearless protector of women, everyone. I have so many things I could say about Artemis and her portrayal in this comic but for the sake of keeping this post relatively short, let's move on.

The fucking nightie

Oh. My. God. The nightgown.

I literally had to put down my phone when I first saw her in this. The rage I felt and still feel when I look at her.

Persephone is a queen and she just found out her brother-in-law/supreme ruler is in critical condition after being poisoned with a "mystery substance". Jfc have a little decency. And I don't want to hear "Oh WeLl ShE oBvIoUsLy DiDn'T hAvE tImE tO cHaNgE" or "sHe DoEsN't HaVe AcCeSs To ClOtHiNg" because she so obviously did. Hades is wearing a full-ass suit. She had time to cut her hair and "accessorize" with a stupidly oversized hat and cape. She is a QUEEN. She has access to all the clothing she could possibly want. Persephone has no excuse for showing up in a skimpy little nightgown.

I just-

Persephone is not a good queen

Let’s be real here. Persephone is a terrible queen. What have we, as readers, actually seen her do for the betterment of the underworld.

She doesn't even follow through on her "promise" to help with the influx of the dead. Instead, she focuses on her own personal problem of her powers taking a massive shit because of a deal she made with an unknown being (which was her own choice). I mean, who could've foreseen the consequences of making a shoddy deal with being you've literally had no previous interactions with. Not me, that’s for damn sure /s

Let's see what Persephone has done thus far leading up to and during her reign as queen:

terrorized lower-class citizens

caused the return of Kronos

caused a child deity to be held hostage/abused by Kronos

Tartarus being controlled by Kronos (caused by Persephone)

the mortal realm dying

still hasn't established Elysium

verbally abused recently deceased mortals because they're confused and haven't provided a resounding yes to help with... whatever it was she was trying to do.

lots of sex

letting 2 beings who have no business listening to a leadership meeting listen in anyways because it's "background noise"

Yep, all the actions of a great queen.

Also, side note, when have we ever seen Hecate be nosey? Please correct me if I'm wrong, but Hecate has pretty much always looked out for her best interests and tried not to get involved in others' drama. Am I surprised that Rachel is changing a character's personality? No. Am I disappointed? At this point, also no. Let's continue on.

The meeting

The meeting was certainly… something. I will say I loved Apollo getting his shit rocked by Ares. But after that, Apollo says this:

I mean... he's kinda right? Yes, it was all a big ploy to get specifically Persephone there, but Apollo isn't wrong. Persephone does have a habit of hiding in the underworld and letting Hades deal with her shit instead of facing her problems head-on. Yet another fantastic trait to tack onto her resume as queen.

And on that note, we circle back to the beginning of this post. After Hades has his big-boy temper tantrum, Athena and Amphitrite rightfully point out a few things:

Athena is right, Apollo has no claim to the throne, not when Hera is still around and especially not as a bastard child of Zeus. In terms of a line of succession (especially since all of his children excluding Hebe are grown), Athena would be the best candidate for this temporary position. She's the goddess of wisdom. Who else could fit this role? Poseidon and Amphitrite are busy ruling the oceans, Hades and Persephone are off doing whatever, Ares is all brawn and no brain, and Hephestus wants nothing to do with his family. I mean, we haven't actually had any kind of serious interaction involving him since like halfway through s2 I'm not counting those 2 little portions in s3 with Aphrodite.

And once again, we have a character that is so close to figuring it out but I guess we can't be affording too many brain cells to Amphitrite since she was to share with all the rest of the characters. Also, rip Aphitrite and all her pretty loops and swirls. I miss the individuality the characters had back in s1.

Before the meeting can continue any further, Demeter bursts in deeply distressed and crying out:

B-bbb-but how can we tell if the mortal realm is actually dying if we don't have a handy little message at the end of the chapter that clarifies whether or not this is a metaphor???? Rachel, you know your audience only has the reading comprehension skills of a kindergartener, how do you expect us to cope??

Sorry lol.

Final thoughts

Surprisingly I found this chapter to be a little short, but I don’t know if that’s just me. Again I wouldn’t say that this chapter is any worse than 255 but it’s not great either, y’all know the drill by this point.

Until my next post! I’m hoping to be all caught up by early next week? And then I can start posting more fun things that aren’t chapter critiques 👀

#anti lore olympus #anti lo persephone #lo critical #unpopular lo #lore olympus #unpopular lore olympus #anti lo #lo critic #lore olympus criticism #lo critique #lo criticism #lore olympus critical #lo hate

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queerfandomtrifecta · 14 days

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I’m late to the Hazbin Hotel stuff, but I’ve binged it a few times recently and just have to say that I’ve never seen an abusive relationship that looked so much like mine portrayed so correctly (as in both accurately and in being completely condemned by the narrative) as Angel and Valentino.

I’ve seen a little of the discourse on this and I’m gonna add my thoughts under the cut.

Gonna start by saying 1. I was lucky enough to get out of my eight-year long abuse/DV situation in 2019 and I’m safe and okay now 2. I know everyone’s experience is different and I’m specifically talking about my experience of being in a long-term abusive situation and don’t mean to diminish anyone who’s experience with SA/DV was different than mine and 3. this is all high praise for what the show did, because it may not sound like it at first because it is legitimately hard for me to watch, especially the first time through.

I’ve realized I’m probably rambling out of order at this point and I apologize to anyone who’s chosen to read these words I just had to shout into the tumblr void but oh well.

Yes, I read the trigger warning at the beginning of e4. I braced myself because that one is typically fine with a heads up for me, but I still wasn’t prepared. I barely made it through that first watch because it didn’t warn about the DV tied to the SA. I’d already barely made it through the scene in e2 where Angel Dust is listening to voicemails from Valentino because jfc it’s so painfully accurate. I heard some of that stuff verbatim from my abuser. Word for word exactly the same.

The other part that’s accurate is how self-destructive Angel is as a coping mechanism and his reasons why. “If I end up broken, maybe I won’t be his favorite toy anymore. And maybe he’ll let me go.” It’s. So. Accurate. To my experience at least, which is one that looked a lot like their whole relationship.

“Loser Baby” is absolutely fine with me. Because again, it’s so accurate. Having someone sit with you and say “hey, I clearly see that you’re not being treated right no matter how hard you try and fake things, and that you’re at rock bottom and not doing good things with the ways you’re dealing with that, and I’m here for you anyway” is what pushed me to finally leave. My now-best friend who at the time was my co-worker who’d just been hired a few months prior is the one who said it to me. He saved my life in more ways than one and I’m forever grateful for it. I’ve read a few things saying the song was calling Angel a loser in a victim blaming way, and that’s not how I took it at all. Admitting how much things suck, saying that aloud, including the ways I’d changed for the worse was crucial for me in the process of leaving and trying to heal afterwards.

“Poison” wasn’t even the part that was difficult to watch for me, even though those scenes are (mostly) what earned e4 the trigger warning at the opening. But the lyrics hit me hard. “My story’s gonna end with me dead from your poison.” I lived this for years. I can’t overstate how much this was the reality of my experience. I thought that was how things would end up for me. I didn’t think I’d have a way out from this person who was both hurting me and making me the absolute worst version of myself possible. I was so sure I’ve of those two things would eventually be the end of my story. I’m very very lucky it wasn’t and I’m grateful for the resources I had that let me leave when I could.

This was a whole lot of rambling to really just say I’ve never felt so seen and respected by the representation of abuse in a piece of media. Maybe it’s because I’m coming off feeling weird about things in OFMD2 and withholding saying any on that because reasons. But I can definitely weigh in accurately in the abuse plot line in Hazbin and it’s all praise from me. Would I have avoided watching it if I’d have known how big of a plot line that would be? Yes, probably. I would’ve at least read spoilers ahead of time to try and gauge it. I nearly stopped it a few times because I wasn’t expecting it to be so painfully close to my own experience and shown so blatantly instead of being implied off-screen.

But am I glad I watched it? Absolutely. Mostly because the narrative so clearly frames everything as capital-b Bad. And I’m grateful they showed what they did how they did, and even more grateful and that the narrative (which is specifically working with a major, prominent, surface-level text theme of redemption/redeem-ability) frames Valentino as an irredeemable villain for his role as the abuser, while also giving Angel Dust three-dimensions in his own flaws that he’s responsible for. It’s done flawlessly imo. And I’m glad I watched it, even though it was hard.

#hazbin hotel #hazbin analysis #hazbin angel dust #angel dust #hazbin valentino #valentino #cw abuse

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emily84 · 5 months

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haven't watched an italian series in a minute, and:

- gay teenagers written terribly by old white cishet guys ✔️

- shot terribly too, if the showrunner is to be believed (they cut the coming out scene and changed it to "i fell in love with someone like me", a phrase that has never been uttered by an irl teenager in the history of humankind) ✔️

- the kids do end up together, but it's forgotten immediately after their parents also get together, making them sort of siblings and they never talk about it again, so incest implication sort of ✔️

- but that doesn't stop them from queerbaiting us about it ✔️

- just make sure gay love is always unrequited ✔️

- even when the ppl involved actually do get to have sex, immediately minimize what happened because only piv missionary intercourse is in fact sex ✔️

- gay kissing is okay if in a dark setting with the camera quickly cutting away, with red lighting to underline the ~shocking reveal. but it's okay to linger on heteros kissing and fucking, even multiple cases when a 30+yo woman sleeps with a 17yo ✔️

- bisexuality is not real, you can only be straight or sad gay ✔️

- outing of a gay teenager, because of course ✔️

- another forced outing but this time by a well-meaning person, seen as positive ✔️

- the only actual bona fide coming out scene is cut off, showing only the before and after but not the actual coming out moment (at least it's full acceptance but jfc) ✔️

- gay bashing ✔️

- slurs. lots of sluts. slurs everywhere ✔️

- like, love interest yelling slurs at the protagonist levels of bad ✔️

- defending a gay kid getting bullied and gay bashed is Bad™ ✔️

- gay ppl do more crime on screen than actual gangsters ✔️

and these just off the top of my head

#i am so tired of this #this shit is watched by so many teenagers throughout italy #AND parents #smh #italy tag #un professore #un professore 2 #rai #italian tv #homophobia

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dampsleeves · 5 months

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life update :3 (a little vent-y)

sooo, been over 200 days since the house caught fire and we had to move. obviously, a lot of stuff's been happening. can't go into deep details for fear of someone I don't want to find this, finding this, but I'll say this much: FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I've very rarely mentioned family on here (for obvious reasons - this account is NOT made for that lol) but here goes. tw for pretty heavy topics: mentions of abuse, father issues, health issues, transphobia & financial issues. I turned 18 Feb 21st, literally just almost 2 months before the damn house caught fire. Meanwhile, my brother's still a minor. MEANING, I narrowly escaped the custody battle my mom & dad are in. But unfortunately, he's still stuck in the middle of it. :( My pops was not really the nicest person to me when I was a kid -

whooping my ass whenever I did anything wrong, no matter how minor the offense was.

Telling me that he loved God more than he loved me, because "You're God's gift to me. God is the one who gave you to me in the first place," when I was four.

Telling me that if I didn't start being ok with receiving physical affection from family - which he knew made me uncomfortable - I was "going to grow up to be a S3R1AL K1LL3R" (yes he said that.)

Telling me that "God doesn't make mistakes," and that he "made me into a beautiful young woman for a reason" after I came out to him personally at 14 - big mistake 0/10 stars, would never do again. You get the idea. And those are the tame examples I could think of. So, I finally cut him off. As soon as my mom, brother, & I were in our new place, I blocked his number and haven't talked to him since. I was sick of him not respecting my boundaries, and repeatedly demonstrating that he thought of me as nothing more than a possession. Tired of him making me feel crazy all the time too. But now he's fucking with my mom & brother. Intentionally not paying child support till the last minute possible - & then making it in as small of payments at a time as he possibly can (yes he can afford it btw.) Trying to force my brother to go over to his place, even when my brother does NOT want to - which has begun giving my brother psychological issues & issues with school, mirroring the ones I used to struggle with bc of that bastard. My mom is juggling all sorts of things, & I really at least wanna try to help financially by getting a job, but I can't yet because: she says that I'm only 18, & shouldn't have to get a job to help out (I disagree.) I don't have an ID bc she wants me to wait on my legal name change - which costs a pretty decent chunk of change - reason is bc she "wants me to have as easy an early adulthood life as possible" (love her.) AND, I haven't actually graduated - No, I dipped in 11th bc school was hell (not exaggerating,) & instead just decided to pursue a GED, that I haven't been able to work towards bc of the shit show that is life in midwestern america. So I've been very depressed, exhausted, & hopeless. The least I can do is clean up our house while she's at work, & get this - some days I don't even have the physical energy to do THAT! I do not know what the hell is wrong with my body currently, but it absolutely sucks. & I'm really tired of just taking up space all the time. She's dealing with health issues too, & I'm always worried ab her. Idk what the hell to do, but something's gotta give. Everybody needs a fucking break. I keep trying to shoo away all the dark thoughts, push myself as often as possible, & keep my fingers crossed, but jfc... Sorry just needed to yell into the void for a sec. I'll live, I'm sure - I've survived worse. Sometimes things just suck. But I like to think that someday they won't. :,)

#spiidervent #not snz #venting :3 #feel free to ignore this if you dont wanna hear me bitch and moan

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