some of my fav bird pics i’ve taken <3

I Was Gonna Tell You (Axl Rose x *sister!* Reader)

I Was Gonna Tell You

Axl Rose x (sister!) reader

fluff , angst???

WARNINGS:profanities

Word Count: 855

Requested by: @foxinaforestofstars

“I loved what you wrote for my request, so much! I hope you don't mind if I request more for Axl's sister!reader. Basically, I'd imagine he'd try to keep her out of the spotlight as much as he can, so not many people are aware he has a sister or that she's in his custody. And one day his girlfriend (maybe Erin, idk) comes over for a surprise visit and finds them cuddled up on the couch watching movies and is like "Eww, you're cheating on me with a child?!" and the explanation that follows?”

I know it has taken me a really long time to post this so thank you for your patience! Also, I’m sorry if this is really bad. I feel like I could have done a lot better on it. Anyways, hopefully it doesn’t disappoint too much. Also, this is a bit smaller than normal so hope that’s okay.

Narrator’s POV:

Life as Axl Rose’s sister wasn’t easy. Y/N spent most of her days inside. Other than school and the occasional night over at a friend's house, her life was boring. That isn’t something you’d expect to hear from the sister of a rock star. Axl tried to keep her out of the spotlight. Most people didn’t even know he had a sister, including Erin. Axl had told Y/N about Erin a while ago, and he talked about her quite frequently too. Y/N was in the kitchen opening a soda when she looked over at Axl on the couch. “Hey Ax?” “hm?” “When are you gonna tell Erin you have a sister?” Y/N questioned as she took a swig of her drink. “Well..” he trailed off as he stared out the window. Axl had planned to tell Erin soon. The topic of siblings had never come up in conversation before and surprisingly he had never thought to tell her. “I’m planning on telling her next time I see her.” He said as he laid down on the couch. Y/N nodded her head in agreement. Y/N grabbed a blanket and sat next to Axl on the couch. “What should we watch?” he asked as he flipped through channels on the TV. “Whatever you wanna watch is fine.”

[...]

Erin stepped foot in the airport, excited that soon she would see her boyfriend. She hadn’t told him that she was coming to visit. She liked surprising Axl every now and then. Her heels clicked on the airport’s tile floor as she looked for the exit. She was holding a couple bags that she packed for the trip. The glowing red ‘exit’ sign hung above a glass door at the end of a large hallway. She struggled slightly to get the door open with her bags in her hands. They eventually swung open, exposing the crisp air outside. Her eyes searched the street until she saw a yellow taxi parked by the curb. As she climbed into the backseat the driver looked her over in the rear view mirror. Please don’t be a creep. Is all she could think as she put on her seat belt. “I feel like I’ve seen you somewhere.” The driver’s voice was low and raspy as he spoke. “Really? Oh um yeah I don’t know.” It was perfectly possible that he could have seen her on magazine covers. “You’re Erin aren’t you? Erin Everly?” shit. Erin usually didn’t take taxis for this exact reason. “Um well yes I am.” The conversation on the way to Axl’s house was surprisingly normal, to Erin’s relief. As the taxi pulled into Axl’s driveway Erin could feel excitement growing inside her. She hadn’t seen him for the past couple months and she couldn’t wait to have her arms wrapped around him again. She paid the taxi driver and made her way to the front door. She felt slightly nervous as she turned the golden door knob. Though, what she saw when she opened the door crushed her heart into a million pieces. She felt as if her heart had been taken and thrown into the trash, completely disregarded. Tears brimmed Erin’s eyes. “A-axl?” she croaked out. How could he do this? She wondered. Axl’s attention was drawn to the woman and immediately his face lit up. “Erin! Wait..what’s wrong baby?” By this time he was off the couch and walking towards her. “Oh don’t you baby me.” She said sternly as tears rolled down her face. There was no denying she was upset. Axl felt hurt by her words though he tried not to show it. “I..I don’t understand. What’s wrong?” He sounded worried. “What’s wrong?! Are you seriously asking me that right now?! Axl you’re cheating on me. And not only are you cheating on me, but you’re cheating on me with a fucking child!” Erin pointed in Y/N’s direction as she spoke. Axl’s eyebrows furrowed as he looked between Y/N and Erin. “You..you think I’m cheating on you with Y/N?” he quietly chuckled, slightly amused by the situation. “Why are you laughing? You’re messed up rose you really are.” she said, shaking her head as she began walking out the door. “No Erin! I guess it’s time I introduce you two.” Erin raised her eyebrows as he spoke. “Erin, this is my sister Y/N. Y/N, this is my girlfriend Erin.” Y/N couldn’t help herself from laughing. She slowly burst into laughter, and Axl was soon to follow. “You’re lying. Why the fuck wouldn’t you have told me you have a sister?” Erin said in a bitter tone. “I’m sorry Erin.” Axl whispered as he wiped a tear from his eye. He truly did find this very funny. “Hello Erin. Axl has told me so much about you.” Y/N hugged Erin as she tried to calm herself from the laughing fit she just had. “I wish I could say the same.” Erin stated as she glared at Axl. He put his hands up in defense. “I was gonna tell you I swear.”

Have a great day and remember to drink some water. You’re beautiful! :) <3

Twin-Way Mirror (pt vi)

(a/n): Hey everyone. My mental health's getting a little bit better. These past few weeks I've had some depression/anxiety episodes but I think I might be on the better end of it now? I will say that the stories I post may be more spread out over time (I had a lot of this already written before I made the tumblr account, and I haven't had the time/energy to write more of the story. So like...idk thank you for your patience and understanding? anyway, I hope you enjoy this :)

Summary: Thanks to the Weasleys, you start to recover from the attack at the world cup

Word Count: 2,229

Warnings: mentions of blood and injuries, reader has a bit of a ptsd attack, also things get a little bit spicy but nothing nsfw.

TAGS!: @aliiiyyaaah @superblyspeedydragon @bamboozledflamplant

***

Someone was moving you. Everything was spinning. Mudblood. Mood. Blood. Mud and blood filled your mouth, swirling with bile and spit. Spit. Something smelled terrible, you smelled terrible. Reeking.

You felt a hand on your cheek. The pain stabbed across your face like a knife.

You bolted upright.

And screamed.

“Hey, hey hey hey it’s alright,” you heard George’s (or was it Fred’s?) voice through your ragged and panicked breaths, his hand placed gently on your back, “(y/n), we’re safe now, we’ve made it home.”

You finally looked around, you were on the couch in the burrow’s living room.

“Home?” You asked. You looked up, George was rubbing your back and Fred was sitting on the arm of the seat, eyes flitting back and forth between looking at you and down at his hands with what appeared to be shame. You looked back at the rest of the room, where the others had managed to find room standing and watching you, Harry and Ron stone-faced, Ginny with her jaw clenched, Hermione appeared to be on the brink of tears, Mr. Weasley looked awfully serious, and Mrs. Weasely was holding her muddied and bloodied hand to her chest, a damp rag in the hand at her side and fear on her face.

You felt your face gingerly, most of the caked on mud and blood had been smudged off, except for the grime around the large bruised and scarred lump on your face.

“Yeah, home,” George nodded again with a smile, “How are you feeling?”

You held your head in your hands, “Who was that?” You felt your eyes well up as you sat up more and looked down at the rest of your body, you were still covered in mud, and there appeared to be a boot print right in the middle of your shirt.

“Death Eaters,” Harry piped up from the back, “Voldemort’s followers. They stormed the campgrounds and-” He stopped, looking at you, “Sorry, I shouldn’t have…” His voice trailed off, and it took you a second to realize you were crying, the salty tears stinging the wound on your face.

“Oh it’s alright Harry,” you interrupted yourself with a shaky breath, “I don’t mind, keep talking-”

But Mrs. Weasley interrupted you, “Alright everyone, I think it’s best we give her some space. I’ll come back in a bit to help clean you up more, sweetie. Get some rest.”

The others filed out of the room quietly, but Fred and Geroge stayed beside you in silence, after a moment you sighed and bit back a smile. “I don’t suppose I look any better than either of you now, eh?” You chuckled, but it came out more like a twisted sob. George’s arm wrapped around your shoulder as he pulled you into a gentle sideways hug, “I wouldn’t say that. Why, look at Freddy over there, you could hardly believe we shared the same womb! He’s hideous!” He chuckled softly, squeezing your shoulder. You let out a wince at the pressure and he frowned, turning to you, “you’re in pretty bad shape, (y/n), but I doubt it will last. Is there anything we could do to help?

You looked back down at your crusted and soiled shirt, “A change of clothes would be helpful. And cleaning up doesn’t sound like the worst idea either.” you smiled, or at least offered what you could manage of a smile without hurting your face, “I’ll go get my clothes-” You started trying to get off the couch with a long and pained groan. Everything hurt, your stomach, your legs, your hand. And Merlin, you could barely move your wrist without tears pricking at the corner of your eyes.

George seemed to catch on, and he carefully eased you back onto the couch, “I’ll go get you a change of clothes. Stay here, alright?” he stroked the back of your head for a moment before getting up and leaving.

You and Fred sat in silence for a moment before nuding him with your foot, “Oi, I don’t think I’ve seen you this quiet since...well, I can’t remember.”

“(y/n)...I’m so sorry this happened.” He said, looking up at you hesitantly.

“Hey, it’s alright. We’re both here now, yeah?” you shifted in your spot on the couch, leaning forward as you tried to maintain eye contact, but he only looked away again.

“No, no (y/n) it’s not alright. I shouldn’t have let you out of my reach. I shouldn’t have let the crowd separate us, I should have forced my way back sooner-” his voice was dead serious, something that you hadn’t thought was possible before now.

“I don’t want you blaming yourself for this,” your voice was a little uneasy, you could feel it as you tried to keep your breathing steady, “Because I’m fine now. We’re home, you heard your brother-”

“No, but (y/n) you’re not fine!” he snapped, standing up and gesturing to your body in one big sweep of his arm, “They were going to kill you! And whose fault would that have been? It wouldn’t have been yours I can tell you that!”

“Freddie,” George’s voice was stern as he returned to the room, a change of clothes in hand, “Go get some things to clean up. What’s done is done and we can only start moving forward. I don’t think either of you are in a state to start pointing fingers,” He walked towards you on the couch as Fred went off to the kitchen, his hands balled into fists.

George knelt down beside you, brushing the hair from your forehead and dabbing at your lingering tears with the edge of his sleeve. “How are you feeling?” he asked, holding his hand under your chin carefully and examining your face.

“A bit banged up, surprisingly,” you quipped. You paused, looking down at the clothes in his hand, “So...should I change?” You looked back up at him, a bit embarrassed by your current lack of mobility.

“Oh! Yeah,” he agreed with a bit of a start, “You can’t quite be up and about right now, huh?” He glanced around the room before snatching the blanket off the back of the couch and holding it up in front of him as a curtain between you two, “I swear on Fred’s life I’m not going to move this until you say you’re done, and I will scream bloody murder if anyone walks in,” He delcared in what you assumed was a mock-stoic voice from the other side of the blanket.

You began to peel off your muddied pants and slide your sore legs into the new pair. It wasn’t until after you had them on that you realized how this unfamiliar stripey pair fit quite loose, “These aren’t mine?” you mumbled to yourself, and from the other side of the blanket you could hear George clear his throat.

“I uh...couldn’t figure out how to open your trunk so I..grabbed a pair of my pajamas. I promise they’re clean. I can get you yours later it was just...short notice and I didn’t want to be a bother-”

“It’s alright,” you assured him as you started to lift your shirt over your head, “At least they're clean- OW!” you felt a screaming pain stab it’s way through your wrist after you had managed to get one arm out of your sleeve.

“Are you ok?” His voice was nervous, and you saw the blanket shift beside your head-

“Oi!” You almost shouted, “Watch the blanket!”

“Sorry! Sorry,” you heard him mumble as the blanket lifted up a little bit, “I guess we’ll call it even from this morning.”

You had managed to carefully wrangle your way out of your shirt and pull one of the sleeves of George’s shirt before it dawned on you, “Oh Merlin, did you see me? Just now?” Your stomach twisted as you shrugged on the second sleeve and looked at the open front of the shirt, “Damn buttons.”

“If it’s any comfort, I only saw your shoulder. And I looked away as soon as I saw-” He stammered out nervously, as you gave the buttons down your front a calculated stare.

“Just...never bring this up again, yeah?” You muttered mostly to yourself before your first attempt at buttoning up your shirt. But your try was unsuccessful, pain twisting the muscles and bone in your wrist as your right hand went to try and help the button through the hole. You let out a faint gasp of pain, and from the other side of the blanket you heard George shift his stance awkwardly.

“Do you need any help?” he piped up from his side.

You paused, sighing as you carefully moved the shirt to cover your front without buttoning it, “If I must. But if you try to pull something then so help me Godric the second I get my wand back you’re dead.” He let the blanket fall to the floor and his hands flew up to his face, squinting through his fingers. It was clear he was trying to lighten the mood as he perched himself on the edge of the couch. You chuckled at his efforts and reached for one of his hands with your good one, placing his fingertips on the buttons of his shirt, “You don’t have to do it with your eyes closed, dimwit.”

George smirked, opening his eyes slightly and making it clear he was staring directly at the buttons he was fastening, “Y’know, I don’t usually do this for folks,” he smiled looking back up at you with a dramatic wink. His eyes stayed latched to yours as he worked his way up the trail of buttons, making a point to not stare at your chest.

“Oh? This isn’t a regular occurrence between you and your roommates? You don’t sit in a circle helping each other tie your ties each morning? You don’t fix Fred’s hair and make sure Lee’s robes are nice and straight?”

George laughed, “Keeping Lee’s robes straight is Fred’s job.”

“Well someone ought to tell him he’s not doing a very good job of it, Lee’s robes wouldn’t stay smooth unless he used a charm,” you sighed, a weak smile lingering on your face.

“Oh! That reminds me,” George reached into his pocket and pulled out your wand, “managed to get it out without a scratch!” He tucked it into your messed-up hair and smiled, “Good as new!” His hand lingered on the side of your face, carefully touching the area around the swollen and bruised gash for just a moment, “You don’t look that bad, really. A little roughed up but give it some soap, water, magic, and time, you’ll be back to your wonderfully-faced self,” his voice was encouraging, but your thoughts had drifted off to elsewhere.

“Oh my god, you took on a Death Eater.” You blurted out, eyes widening, “Are you ok? Did he get you at all? Are you alright?” Your hand reached for his face, there was a scratch just below his cheek bone but other than that and a few smudges of mud he appeared fine,

“I’m alright, (y/n), really,” he patted your hand.

“Oi, I got you out of there too, y’know.” Fred interrupted from the doorway, “Where’s the worry for me?”

“Oh my god, Fred!” Your voice was startled as you scrambled off the couch and stumbled across the floor over to him. He had just barely managed to set down the bowl of water and sponge before you practically collapsed in his arms, “are you alright? What on earth were you two thinking? Running into danger like that? You could have gotten yourselves killed!” You winced at the pain pulsing through your body, but you only hugged Fred tighter. After a second you let out a muffled sob into his chest and you could feel his arms wrap around you, patting your back.

“But it’s alright,” you heard him whisper, “You said it yourself, we’re home,” He placed a kiss on the top of your head, and you could feel another body hug you from behind.

“We’re here, (y/n). Now c’mon, it’s late and you should get some sleep,” You felt George lean down and kiss your cheek before helping you shuffle back to the couch and wipe the last bit of mud from your face.

***

You woke up the next morning feeling sore, but minimal agony in comparison to the night before. As you opened your eyes, you realized you were face-to-chest with one of the twins. You figured the two of you had slept on the couch the night before. As you poked your head out from behind his shoulder, you saw the other twin asleep in the chair. Neither of the boys had changed their clothes from yesterday, and you looked down to see the large gold “G” against a green sweater, with its sleeves wrapped around your waist, pulling you close.

“Mmm, (y/n), are you up?” George murmured, his eyes not opening.

You smiled softly at his warm embrace, “No George, go back to sleep,” you whispered, laying down again with your head against his shoulder.

“Of course, sweetheart,” he nodded, barely awake as he pulled you closer and nuzzled his face into your hair with a sleepy sigh.

Lost connection [Corpse x reader]

Paring: Corpse husband x Gender neutral!reader

Summary: “Can you please write a story where the reader (female) isn't a youtuber or playing Among us with the crew? Preferably, angst and maybe unrequited love and meeting him through social media as a fan. The last sentence is not a requirement, I just wanna read a story where the reader isn't a successful youtuber or a youtuber at all. Just a normal person who doesn't have many talents.” Requested by anon

“Hi! If you feel like it, maybe a corpse x reader where he posts one of their tiktoks on his Instagram story and they start talking and falling for each other? <3” requested by anon

Warnings: idk sad ending?

Read part two here

A/N: Y/T = Your TikTok Coping with election stress by writing, and I still don’t even live in the US. I’m sorry only one for today <3 you got a hc too!

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

You had recently started making tiktoks, it was mostly closet cosplay to song you saw fitting to the character. It helped you escape the stress of everyday life. You liked the small following you usually got around 200 to 300 views, usually. That was until Corpse Husband himself had gotten in contact with you to ask permission to share a video of you dancing around a chair to his song Cat Girls are ruining my life. Of course, you said yes.

Leading to your video trending and you gaining a bit more followers before everything went back to normal. However, what didn’t go back to normal after a couple of days was the fact that you’re still talking to Corpse. You don’t really understand how this is still going on. You’ve been following him for quite a while now. This is big.

Corpse_Husband: I was thinking I could get your number, it’s easier than writing over here.

Y/T: Sure, here it is xxx-xxx-xxx

You pull your phone away from your face. Did you sound too desperate? A bit maybe? No? Maybe? Just a tid bit…

Unknown number: Well hello there, Y/T

You: New phone, who dis?

Too much? Oh god what if he doesn’t think it’s funny, or thinks you’re being serious. You stare intensely at the three dots; they disappear and your heart sinks for second before a message pops up.

Corpse: I wonder who

You: Welp, better go contact my fbi agent then.

Is that an outdated joke? You honestly weren’t too sure.

Corpse: It’s Corpse

Y/N: Ah! Never would have guessed, btw how was your day?

It didn’t take long before the two of you texted every day. It took two months before Corpse asked if he could call you. It awkward in the beginning.

“Soooooo…” You said trying to fill the silence.

“Yeah…” And so did he.

But the two of you slowly became comfortable with speaking and started calling every night before you would go to bed, which correlated to around an hour before his streams started. It was a beautiful friendship that was slowly blossoming into more. You could feel yourself falling harder as each day passed, as each time you listened to him talk. Even if it was just a silent phone call so the two of you could be together.

“You won’t believe what happened today!” Corpse had practically yelled through the phone at you, sounding somehow like the most deep voiced teenage girl out there.

“Go on tell me!” You matched his excitement. Ready to lend an ear until you wouldn’t be able to hold your eyes open anymore.

The big elephant in the room, only felt to grow the more you talked. You lived halfway across to world in the Netherlands, while he was in San Diego. You knew not to get your hopes up of him ever coming there. So instead you got a second job besides your studies and the first job. Meaning you spent less time talking to him, but it would be worth it you told yourself. It took you 4 months of barely speaking for you to have saved up for the ticket if you stayed at his place for the two days.

You were ready to tell him that, you had quit the second job earlier that day. You were excited. But when you called, it rang out. He’s probably just busy, you told yourself.

It rang out, the next day.

And the day after.

And the day after…

“You can no longer reach this number.” The telephone spoke at you, you stared at it in disbelief. You did the only thing you could think about and opened twitter for the first time in months. Straight on his page last tweet 12 days old. The last time you spoke together.

Corpse_Husband: Final Goodbyes hurt :(

You fall back on your bed your phone forgotten in your hand. You neglected him to be able to earn enough money to see him, driving him away in the effort. You’re bewildered at what to do, you just lost the only person you were able to connect with on a personal level.

You had lost your friend.

Thoughts on Bones and the bad decision making

The thing is about how MVA is being handled is that, generally, other animes that cut stuff out or have not as good animation as other seasons (which idk its literally only been one episode so we’ll see what else comes out of it, but I’m just stating the animation thing as one of the problems too) seems to be due to the time limit of an episode + how many episodes you have to fit in the season and evenly space it out + animation budget

Thats what I reason anyway. When I watch an anime and then read the manga, I notice stuff that didn’t get put into the anime, but I usually reason that “oh maybe it was the time limit of an episode and how many episodes they have left to put it in. If they couldn’t add that in but put this in instead, it’s probably due to what they think is more necessary to fit into the season before it ends. I can kinda understand that, and if its the case, I’m not really gonna hold it against them”

Same with animation, because adaptations usually try and space out the animation quality between Oh My God This Looks Ugly during a minor scene to Oh My God This Looks Incredible during an important scene. Again, I can understand that with budgets and the limit of available staff to animate. If you’re gonna hold back on some pieces of animation, I can definitely see the reason for sparing the Good Animation for the really important and impactful parts

But that doesn’t seem to be the case here

Bones cut out stuff that was actually quite important to understand the character. The League finding that racist cult and killing them was part of showing that they are decent enough to not be totally evil, and plus it tied in with Spinner’s arc of discrimination and that “empty feeling inside” which was actually caused by the people who lived in his town. Getting rid of his narrating too totally gets rid of that introduction to his arc, because when you first read that part in the manga, you think “why spinner? why spinner of all people? what distinguishes him from the rest?” and that question you ask yourself gets answered by his following development with Shiggy

Sure, Bones added in his narration in the forest, but the point of the initial narration is to make it feel personal. Spinner narrating in the forest is more like observational narration, rather than something personal. With 220, it felt like “Oh are we getting to Spinner’s arc? Are we getting his development or smthg? That sounds interesting, since he’s a background character. I wonder what will happen” but with the narration in the forest, it kind of gives off the feeling of “Why is Spinner narrating? Why did it switch to him? He’s just watching them, but is this important? I don’t understand”

There’s a difference between personal narration and observational narration. For example, lets compare a vlog and a documentary. A vlog is something personal, and when you watch it, you’re getting a glimpse into the persons life. That’s what I’d say Manga Spinner’s narration is equivalent to, because it literally starts off like “Whats up guys, I’m Spinner from the League Of Villains! We’re not in the best of conditions, as you can see, and we’re trying to work our way back to the top! Stay tuned!”

Anime Spinner’s narration is probably equal to a documentary, stating what has happened and whats going on now. And describing what Tomura’s face looks like. In fact, the description of the face is probably the only personal thing the anime put in from Spinners POV so far. I guess they were trying to keep that bit in to add that “personal” feeling we didn’t get from the initial narration, and since its such a small moment, it would quite easily fit into a few seconds of the episode without running over the episode limit but. there’s a big difference between “Whats up guys, I’m Spinner from the League Of Villains and we’re homeless, but we’re trying to get better!” and “His face looked like an eager child”

With the League in the shed scene, there was an awful lot there to be concerned about being cut. First we have Toga and Twice’s interactions, wholesome and sweet, which was supposed to cement their friendship which would make it all the more heartbreaking when Twice breaks down over Toga being in danger. For anime onlys, they could go off the past scenes from past seasons but idk that bit with them in the shed was supposed to be a recent reminder, to refresh your memory and such

Then we have Compress and Shiggy, because that mention of the sushi was supposed to be something Shiggy would remember and look back on, showing how connected he is with the League. With Spinner and Shiggy, that was meant to show the unrest and tension in Spinner and his ideals, and when he grabs Shiggy to yell at him, thats supposed to show you how much this matters to Spinner and how that moment tells the reader “Oh this arc is about Spinner and Shiggy”. The arc is about the League as a whole, but it’s meant to tell you as the reader that “This main villain and one of his background lackeys are going to have conflict”, and thats interesting!

Dabi’s entrance and what he said about recruitment was meant to be a build up to his conflict with Hawks. It was also meant to show how Dabi, despite seeming pretty aloof, still chooses to come back to the League and be a part of things. That despite Dabi trying to separate himself from them, he still finds a place to belong. Him bantering with the other members also showed how familiar he is with them, again, to show that this is a place he belongs

The Big Thing with Horikoshi is build up. The man slow burns to hell and back, and while it’s frustrating, it’s good. The Dabi Reveal’s burst of excitement in the fandom was because of that build up. It shows that Hori is willing to show little bits of development to really make the pay-off of waiting and reading worth it when something impactful happens.

Now, I can see why that would be a bit of an issue for the anime, because again, time limit of an episode and how many episodes/seasons you have to fit the storyline in and evenly space it out. Fitting it all in while still creating that feeling of tension must be hard, and I can see why it would be too.

But this isn’t about fitting in. This isn’t down to time limit or episode space. The simple fact is that Bones already screwed too much with it before MVA even started. They messed around with storyline, with the cuts, with dragging out scenes that really don’t even mean much - except for that scene with Enji thinking about his family, cuz that had meaning, but it was just way too dragged out. With dragging out scenes, both with and without meaning, I can see that as the studio trying to make fit the length of the episode but it just doesn’t work

And then there’s the Beach Episode for the girls, which wasn’t necessary at all. And I could also see that as them dragging out the season in order to potentially make S6 the League’s arc. But that didn’t happen

Instead, they rushed it, tried to fit it all in, while trying to keep in that Popular Characters Are Here So Please Watch element. Which AGAIN doesn’t work as good story telling because if you’re going to stretch it out for the Popular Characters, you need to evenly space out what scenes are used where and still be able to tell a coherent story. Which isn’t the case here because they prioritized Popular Characters Are Here So Please Watch instead of the actual plot

So I don’t think it’s about time limit of an episode + how many episodes you have to fit in the season and evenly space it out, not in this case. It genuinely is just bad decision making

Animation is kind of an exception because of that whole priority of saving the budget for Oh My God This Is Incredible scenes as opposed to minor scenes. We’ve only watched the first episodes so far and there is that whole concern with the characters height and Spinner’s face, but we’ve yet to see the rest of the arc, so I’m personally gonna hold out until its over to really judge the animation. With the heights and Spinner’s face though, I can see that it probably (probably) wasn’t the case of “We hate these characters fuck you”, it’s likely more about “We have to get this out and done on time so idk just quickly draw and get it over and done with”, you know?

Anyway lol I don’t think I’m saying anything that hasn’t already been said by the fandom, but I still felt compelled to talk about it. It’s such a shame, because anime onlys don’t get the full experience of what happens.

MORE THAN THAT, it’s all very well and good saying “Anime onlys please read the manga”, but for a lot of anime watchers, the only way they CAN follow the story is through watching it. I think I remember reading about how its hard for people with ADHD to focus enough to read the manga (I know thats the case for one of my irl adhd friends at least) and then there’s also the fact that they may lead busy lives. But it’s because of this rearranging of the arcs that I know it has to be frustrating for anime onlys too because they don’t get the full experience and they hear from manga readers that they aren’t getting the full story either! I’ve read some posts about how manga fans were excited to connect with their anime-only friends without spoiling anything, and the anime onlys just ending up confused and unimpressed. I feel for them and I know it has to be frustrating from both ends

Thats kind of why “being creative and messing with the storyline” doesn’t work in anime adaptations. Adding stuff in and having anime only episodes is nice for creativity and stuff but you have to be able to still have time for the rest of the story in order for it to work, otherwise you just end up confusing everybody, and again, those who can’t follow the story through manga miss out on the fun

I’m not an animator, nor am I entirely sure how production and such works, this is only based on the aspects that seem more logical with animes and why they do the things they do. So if anybody who actually is an animator or knows more about this than I do wants to come forward and tell me whether this is right or not, I’d be happy to be corrected with constructive criticism

Same with the ADHD stuff. I don’t know everything about it and there’s likely exceptions to the focus thing, but please don’t hesitate to also correct me on that

If you’ve made it this far, then thank you for reading my thoughts on Bones and how they’ve dealt with everything. Once again I’m sure I’m not saying anything that hasn’t already been said but still. I’m just putting my thoughts down

Building Hank before Consternation (Madness Combat build errata)

(Artwork by OctoCryptik on Newgrounds.)

My initial build for Hank, while effective at capturing all of Hank’s abilities (and a good build in its own right imo) is... quite messy, admittedly. There’s a very big shift in Hank’s abilities after his death in Madness 7 and revival in Madness 9 and while I tried to capture the pre-revival Hank as much as possible in my build there’s no way to take the Armorer subclass without immediately buying into the flavor.

Truthfully if I were to play Hank in a campaign with as much accuracy and representation as possible I’d consider Madness 7 Hank and Madness 9 Hank as two different characters (same name different build) with the revival machine essentially being a way to bring back an old character after their death and swap their build. (Hell you could even play Deimos until reviving Hank.)

I think that if you want to play a post-Madness 9 Hank then the original build I made is quite good but to play a pre-Madness 7 Hank I’d give him wildly different abilities. So here’s another build that won’t be made as detailed as my usual ones but will still give a level by level analysis of how to build Hank... again!

GOALS

I still basically want a build that can use all weapons and is really good at using them. I also still want some stealth abilities.

RACE

Still a Variant Human, with +1 in DEX and CON. Take whatever language you want and the Medicine skill to patch yourself up.

For your feat talk to your DM about getting a Repeating Hand Crossbow or otherwise being able to ignore the loading property on a Hand Crossbow. If they’re willing to give you a handgun (or let you ignore the Loading property via the Gunner feat) grab the Gunner feat for obvious reasons. However if they’re not willing to let you use a Hand Crossbow without having to reload it I’d suggest the Sharpshooter feat instead.

Why aren’t we taking Crossbow Expert? Well you won’t be able to use the Bonus Action much for reasons that will be illustrated in the build. Other than that you don’t need the ability to shoot in melee range (you’ll have weapons and your fists) which means the only ability of value you’d get from Crossbow Expert is the ability to ignore the Loading property, which isn’t worth losing a potential ASI. Better to grab Sharpshooter early and use something other than a Hand Crossbow.

ABILITY SCORES

Hello Standard Array my old friend! Since this build isn’t nearly as MAD (ironic) you can afford to go for Standard Array! But of course feel free to roll for stats if you so desire or use point buy.

15; DEXTERITY - You’re still going to be focusing on guns, and you’ll be able to use your DEX for a lot more weapons in this build.

14; WISDOM - Still used for Perception and Survival, and is far more useful for this build than the other one.

13; CONSTITUTION - It’s good to not die and you don’t need the other stats as much.

12; STRENGTH - In case you grab a Strength weapon you aren’t proficient in.

10; INTELLIGENCE - Strength felt more important than Intelligence.

8; CHARISMA - You’re still a psychopathic mass-murderer.

BACKGROUND

Same background as last time: Criminal with Intimidation, Slight of Hand, and Land Vehicle proficiency.

Apparently if you don’t have Thieves’ Tools proficiency (from Artificer lol) you get it from the Criminal background? That works really well for us too.

(Artwork by DonCroco on Newgrounds.)

THE BUILD

LEVEL 1 - MONK 1

Starting off as a Monk so you can actually throw a punch and dodge attacks while actually unarmored. Take proficiency with Acrobatics and Stealth (why the hell do Monks get Stealth proficiency?) and Smith’s Tools, under the context that they’re gunsmith tools.

The fun thing about Monk is that simple weapons honestly cover most of Hank's weapons (club, quarterstaff, hand axe, etc) so you can use most of them with DEX thanks to Martial Arts.

LEVEL 2 - MONK 2

Second level Monks get second level Monks stuff. Told you this build would be a lot more basic than usual. Dedicated Weapon from Tasha’s will let you add more weapons to your repertoire, along with your subclass.

LEVEL 3 - MONK 3

Go Kensei because that’s the weapon Monk. Take either tool that you want (doesn’t really matter), a Battleaxe (reflavored as the stop sign Hank used to kill Tricky in Madness Combat 3), and either a Hand Crossbow (reflavored Pistol) or an actual pistol if your DM allows it.

LEVEL 4 - MONK 4

4th level Monks get an ASI: increase your DEX by 2 as that's your main stat.

LEVEL 5 - MONK 5

5th level Monks get an Extra Attack. Also Stunning Strike and stuff, but we’re here for Extra Attack. Remember that you can’t attack twice with a Hand Crossbow without Crossbow Expert, because it’s a crossbow.

LEVEL 6 - MONK 6

6th level Monks get Ki-Empowered Strikes and One with the Blade to bypass Magic Resistance mainly. Deft Strikes also lets you aim for the head.

You can also get another Kensei weapon: grab the Longbow (finally) which will be reflavored as all your rifles... unless you can actually grab a gun.

LEVEL 7 - RANGER 1

Hope you didn’t think this would be straight Monk. Grab Perception proficiency from multiclassing and Acrobatics Expertise from Deft Explorer, along with two languages. Also grab Favored Foe to aim for the head, because Favored Enemy is meh (can’t choose more than two types of humanoids which is basically all you fight) and you can actually afford to concentrate on Favored Foe... Even if the damage is bad.

LEVEL 8 - RANGER 2

Second level Rangers get their Fighting Style: yeah go for Archery because that fits the best. Dueling also works if you opt to play with gun and sword (or more realistically gun and knife.)

You also get Spellcasting: yeah take Hunter’s Mark lol Favored Foe is bad. Other than that? I dunno take Cure Wounds to bandage yourself up in a pinch?

LEVEL 9 - RANGER 3

Third level Rangers get to choose their archetype and it’s me ya boii Gloom Stalker. Same stuff as last time: be better at hiding, get darkvision, get ambushing powers, get Disguise Self as an innate spell.

Also go for Primal Awareness because Primeval Awareness is still bad and Speak with Animals is genuinely more useful. You also get another spell: take like Jump idk all I really want is Hunter’s Mark.

LEVEL 10 - RANGER 4

4th level Rangers get another Ability Score Improvement: time to cap that Dexterity!

LEVEL 11 - MONK 7

So like, every level after this is Monk lol. 7th level Monks can dodge rockets with Evasion.

LEVEL 12 - MONK 8

More ASIs: go for Wisdom now because your Dexterity is maxed out, and Wisdom boosts your skills as well as your AC.

LEVEL 13 - MONK 9

Use the improbability drive to walk on walls and water!

LEVEL 14 - MONK 10

Become immune to disease! Probably a bit late for that but still cool!

LEVEL 15 - MONK 11

You can use Sharpen the Blade to turn your weapon into a +1, +2 or +3 weapon by spending Ki now which is pretty nuts. You can also pick another Kensei Weapon like a Longsword (as seen in Madness Combat 5.)

LEVEL 16 - MONK 12

Wisdom.

LEVEL 17 - MONK 13

Lol like you’re going to be the one talking with your 8 in Charisma.

LEVEL 18 - MONK 14

Here’s the big one: enjoy proficiency in all Saving Throws!

LEVEL 19 - MONK 15

You can’t age, much like Newgrounds. Everything there is fresh to this day, just waiting to be revived.

LEVEL 20 - MONK 16

Just cap your Wisdom as your capstone.

You’re probably wondering why I didn’t take Tavern Brawler: the only improvised weapons Hank really uses are a metal pipe (Madness 4, 6, and 7) and a dude’s head once in Madness Combat 6. Truthfully I’d consider a pipe a glorified Quarterstaff and you’re not going to be ripping people’s heads off in D&D combat. Yes one could argue that the stop sign is technically an Improvised Weapon but both you and Tricky have used it so much it’s essentially become a proper martial weapon for both of you.

Ultimately improvised weapons come up so rarely in 5e combat it’s not worth taking a feat for it. We took it in the original build mainly to get Unarmed strike damage, and being able to beat a man with another man’s head was an added bonus.

FINAL BUILD

PROS

This build is far more focused than the original one, with far fewer dud levels. It lets you become a slaughterhouse fast and is honestly far more proficient with weapons than the original build. You also get 20 AC and +10 to initiative thanks to Gloomstalker, which is cool.

CONS

You don’t get god tier stats like with Artificer, but Artificer kinda cheats tbf. You also don’t have as much spellcasting, and while Hunter’s Mark will carry you far you won’t be able to use it all the time. By far the biggest problem is the limited resources of this build however: limited Ki, limited ammo for your ranged weapons (assuming you don’t get a Repeating Weapon), and notably you can only attack once with a Hand Crossbow if you choose to use one. This build would be really good with an Artificer ally to give you a Repeating Hand Crossbow, or a cool DM who lets you ignore the Loading property for the sake of aesthetic. But I mean you can also use a boomerang or darts or something tbh.

So thank you for joining me for this simultaneously detailed and simplified errata. I hope you can navigate the Monk class without me detailing everything to you!

(Artwork by Neentandoo on Newgrounds.)

Invisible String, Part 1 (Colton Parayko)

Request: Can you write an imagine where the reader is John Krasinski’s [niece] but she’s dating Colton Parayko and like she has to breaks the news and John acts mad or something and scares them but then he says he’s joking and he’s fine with it? Thanks

***NOTE***: I changed some details in the last scene b/c I moved the timeline up from October 7 to September 14.

A/N: I’m back! The protagonist is an OC but I decided to call her Y/N instead of giving her an actual name b/c John Krasinski has nieces and/or nephews irl. I already planned the entire plot but idk whether the series will be 2 or 3 parts—I’ll post an update when I know more. This series takes place from March 2018 to June 2019 and is loosely based on Taylor Swift’s “Invisible String.” Here is the playlist.

Warnings: Six swear words, rough breakup, alcohol, loneliness & homesickness

Word Count: 3.4k

March 21, 2018

You were impervious to the mix of pitying and derisive glances from passersby as you sat on the curb. You knew you looked like a cliché, crying in front of a restaurant because your boyfriend broke up with you on your 22nd birthday, but you didn’t care. One question gnawed at you: how had six words upended your seemingly perfect day and relationship?

Your brain was buzzing with activity, wondering if Max had given you any clues that something was amiss. This morning, you woke up in his Cambridge apartment to him singing “Happy Birthday” while kneeling at the side of the bed. As soon as Max finished singing, he kissed you before grabbing his backpack and hurrying out of the room. That didn’t mean anything, though: Max was one of the only seniors to have the misfortune of taking all morning classes because his major was Theater, Dance, and Media. He was also (as usual) running late.

The rest of the day unfolded like any other Wednesday as you followed your schedule of lounging in bed, studying for an hour, going to the sandwich shop across the street for lunch, and heading to campus at 1PM for your classes. Afterwards, you went back to the apartment to find Max waiting there, already dressed for dinner. You quickly showered, curled your long (Y/HC) hair, and changed into a dark green dress and black booties before taking his hand and going to an Italian restaurant in Boston’s North End.

There were no warning signs at dinner, either. In fact, everything was perfect until you were waiting for the check and Max said with a detached look in his eyes, “I think we should break up.”

You didn’t want to relive what happened next, but the images of you acting like Elle Woods when Warner broke up with her in Legally Blonde popped into your head unbidden. You closed your eyes in humiliation and shame as you remembered Max, the man you dated for three years, abandoning you at the table and fleeing the restaurant. The other customers stared at you, some sympathetic, others scandalized, and the rest in pure shock.

You snapped out of the flashback when you felt a large hand rest on your shoulder. You whipped your head around to find a young man with blonde hair and black rimmed glasses squatting next to you on the curb.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

The panic faded as you took in the man’s features. He was definitely in his 20s, probably a few years older than you, and his blue eyes were filled with concern. Something about that concern, though, made you snap.

“Do I look like I’m okay? I mean, come on, look at me!” you demanded while pointing at your face, which you (correctly) assumed had giant black streaks of mascara on it.

You fully expected the man to walk away and leave you be, but he sat down on the curb instead and said, “My bad, that was a stupid question. I’ve got some tissues if you want them?”

That made your attitude soften. He was only trying to help, so you nodded and he handed you a pack of tissues from his pocket. You smiled at him, took the tissues, and wiped your eyes and face. As soon as you were satisfied that they were clean, you broke the silence. “Thank you…?”

“Colton, and it’s no problem. What’s your name?”

“Y/N.” You held out your hand for him to shake, which he did. After a pause, you asked: “Why did you stop? Surely you have somewhere better to be tonight.”

He chuckled, and the sound of it made your heart flutter. “I was just heading back to my hotel when I saw you, and I figured I’d stop and make sure you get home safe. That is, assuming you live here?”

“Yeah, I live in Cambridge.” As soon as the words left your mouth, you realized they were no longer true, so you amended your statement. “Well, I lived in Cambridge until about 15 minutes ago when my now ex-boyfriend dumped me. On my fucking birthday.”

“Shit, that sucks. I’m really sorry.” He paused before adding, “I’m assuming he isn’t here.”

“Nope. He hightailed it out of the restaurant as soon as he got his credit card back.”

Colton shook his head. “What a jackass.”

“I know, right? I wasted three whole years with someone who not only broke up with me in a very public setting on my birthday, but also couldn’t be bothered to ask where I would go! He probably assumed I’d go to my parents’ house, but still.”

“Your parents live here?” Colton asked as he fished his phone out of his pocket and unlocked it.

“Yeah, right by Boston Common, why?”

“I’ll get an Uber and drop you off before going back to the hotel.”

“Oh no, you don’t have to do that,” you protested while going through your bag for your phone. “We just met! I’ll pay.”

“Nonsense. You’ve been through a lot tonight. Let me take care of it.”

You stared into Colton’s eyes and realized he wasn’t going to back down. It took everything in you to suppress your pride, thank him, and provide the address. Colton typed it into his phone, waited for a moment, and said, “The closest one is around the block.”

“That’s good.” Your burst of energy dissipated as quickly as it came, and you fell silent. From the corner of your eye, you saw Colton open his mouth as if to say something before the headlights of a car momentarily blinded you.

“That’s the Uber.” Colton stood up and offered his hand, and you took it. You couldn’t help but notice how well they fit together as he pulled you up and off the curb, but after regaining your balance, something else grabbed your attention: his height.

“Gee, how tall are you? No one’s ever made me feel like a dwarf before,” you joked as he led you to the car, your hands still intertwined.

He chuckled and opened the door for you. You let go of his hand and slid into the car. After Colton slid in next to you and shut the door, he replied, “I’m 6’6” and no one’s ever made me feel like I’m not a giant before. You’re what, 5’10”?”

“6 feet, actually,” you corrected him. “So, where are you from, Colton?”

“St. Albert; it’s just outside Edmonton in Canada, but I’ve been in the States for a while. I went to the University of Alaska in Fairbanks before moving to, uh, St. Louis.”

You noticed Colton’s hesitancy and the fact that he lowered his voice when saying “St. Louis,” and you were about to ask why when you thought better of it. You were protective of your privacy, too, especially whenever people commented about how funny it was that you shared the same last name as John Krasinski. It wasn’t a coincidence—he was your uncle, and the two of you were extremely close—but you went along with it and never corrected them because it wasn’t their business. So, you let it go. “And what brings you to Boston?”

“Work,” he said before changing the subject. “What do you do? Are you still in school or—”

“I’m a senior at Harvard,” you cut him off. You generally didn’t drop the “H-bomb,” as you and your friends called it, with people you didn’t know well, but this was a special case. Colton just confirmed he was hiding something, and after looking at him in better lighting, his face seemed familiar, which weirded you out. You had to get back on equal footing, and the H-bomb almost always unsettled people.

“Wow, you must be really smart,” Colton said, seeming impressed but unphased. You couldn’t help yourself from raising an eyebrow as he asked, “What’s your major?”

“Government. What was yours?”

“Business administration.”

“Ah.” You fell silent again, this time on purpose, as you racked your brain for where you might have crossed paths with Colton. He wasn’t from Boston, not even close, but you couldn’t shake the feeling that you’d seen him before, and recently.

Colton didn’t let you ruminate for long before reviving the conversation. “What do you want to do when you graduate?”

“I’ll be a lawyer one day, but I have to be a paralegal first. I’m looking for jobs right now.”

Before Colton could reply, the car came to a stop. You looked out the window and saw your parents’ townhouse and your childhood home.Your time in the car had flown by, a sensation you rarely, if ever, experienced. And there was something between you and Colton, a connection you couldn’t quite describe, that made you want to spend more time with him. But your time was up. “This is me. It was nice to meet you, Colton, and thanks again for the ride—I really appreciate it.”

“It’s no problem,” he replied. “I’m glad I found you.”

You were overwhelmed by an intense desire to ask for his number. If only he lived in Boston or somewhere in the Northeast. But he lived in St. Louis, so you moved to open the door, only to feel Colton’s hand wrap around yours and hear him say: “Y/N?”

“Yeah?” You turned around and locked eyes with him. It was like being in a trance, and your heartbeat thundered in your ears.

It felt like years, but it was more like a few moments before Colton let go of your hand. “Good luck with the search. I’m sure you’ll find a good job.”

You wanted to let out a sigh of disappointment, but you just said, “Thanks,” and smiled at him before getting out of the car.

***************

The smell of bacon finally lured you out of your bed at noon the next day.

It had been a rough night. The reality of the breakup hit you like a ton of bricks when you rang the doorbell and all but collapsed in your mom’s arms when she answered the door. She brought you over to the couch, where your dad was waiting anxiously. As soon as you sat down, you grabbed your mom and cried for an hour straight as she held you and stroked your hair. You knew Max wasn’t worth your tears, but it had more to do with you. Despite his major, he wasn’t that good of an actor, and yet, he fooled you into thinking he could be your person. You took immense pride in your instincts, but they failed you with Max. How could you have possibly fallen in love with such a heartless person? More terrifying, would you have ended up marrying him a few years down the road if he hadn’t broken up with you?

You didn’t know the answer to either question, so you stopped crying and began venting about how the breakup went down. Your dad almost hit the ceiling after hearing that Max left you at the restaurant, and you had to talk him out of driving to Cambridge to “give that little shit a piece of my mind!” That wasn’t to say you weren’t thinking about revenge, but your dad potentially getting arrested was not helpful. After that, you started crying again, only this time out of frustration, and didn’t stop until you practically passed out on the couch. The last thing you remembered was your parents guiding you up the stairs to your bed.

Thankfully, you had no classes on Thursdays, so you were able to sleep in and be, if nothing else, well-rested. Your stomach rumbled when you smelled the bacon, so you got out of bed and made your way down the stairs to the kitchen, where your parents were sitting at the table and watching the television.

“Ugh, why are you watching the news?” you said as a way of greeting while making a beeline for the bacon.

“Good morning to you, too, sweetheart,” your dad replied. “I’m waiting for the sports report. I missed the game last night and Uncle John wouldn’t tell me the score. He said he’s sorry about, I quote, ‘the scumbag’ and he’ll call you tonight.”

“God, I miss him. And you,” you addressed your mom as you shoveled a load of bacon onto your plate, “are the best.”

“See, honey? I knew bacon would cheer her up,” she said to your dad.

“I didn’t doubt it. Y/N, we have to figure out a time to get your stuff from that piece of shit’s apartment. I’m not letting you go by yourself, but do you want to let him know ahead of time or just show up?”

“Who did the B’s play?” you sat down at the table and changed the subject immediately. You didn’t care about sports, but your dad and Uncle John were major Bruins fans and the mere mention of Max gave you a headache.

“The Blues.”

“Where do they play again?” you asked as you ate your bacon. It had to be a team from the Western Conference, but the only teams you knew there were the Canucks and Blackhawks because they were on your dad’s shit list.

“St. Louis.”

You almost choked on your food. “What?”

“St. Louis, sweetie. You know, the Gateway Arch—”

“Yeah, I know, Mom,” you recovered. “That’s the team Jenna likes, right, Dad?”

“Yes. Shh, here it is!” He didn’t need to tell you twice; you doubted Colton was a professional hockey player, but your curiosity won out as you intently watched the television.

The score flashed on the screen—an OT loss for the Bruins—and your dad groaned. “Ugh, I’ve got to turn this garbage off.”

And suddenly, a few Blues players, including one that looked awfully similar to Colton (albeit without glasses), flashed onto the screen. You didn’t get a good enough look at him to be sure, though, because your dad changed the channel. You let out a noise of frustration.

“What’s wrong, sweetie?” your mom asked, and your dad looked like he had the same question when he turned away from the television.

“I’ll text the scumbag and tell him I’m coming this afternoon, if that’s okay with you, Dad,” you said. “I want to get it over with and besides, I need my laptop and textbooks.”

“That’s perfect, sweetheart. The office doesn’t need me today, anyway.”

“Okay, I’ll be right back; my phone’s upstairs,” you called out behind you as you raced back up the stairs. You did not want to text Max, but it was better than telling your dad that the man he praised for making sure you got home last night was potentially part of the team responsible for his beloved Bruins’ loss.

You locked your bedroom door and grabbed your phone to pull up Google and the St. Louis Blues roster. Part of you thought there was no way a professional hockey player actually cared enough to bring you home, but the Blues being in town and one of its members resembling Colton were too many coincidences for your liking. You tapped your foot impatiently as the phone loaded the roster, and you scrolled through the list until you found a name of interest.

“C. Parayko, 55, R, 6’6’’…”

It cut off after that, so you scrolled sideways to see the other information. It left you without a shadow of doubt, but you clicked on the name anyway to view a picture. Colton’s headshot and full first name stared back at you as if they were looking into your soul.

It really was him. You had to have seen him on the little television at the sandwich shop’s register yesterday.

But what did this information mean for you, really, besides discovering his identity? It was nice to know his full name because it confirmed that he was a real person instead of a delusion your reeling mind made up, but it didn’t change one important fact: you lived in Boston and he lived in St. Louis. Barring a radical change in one of your lives, which you didn’t see happening, that was the reality of the situation. It was time to stop dreaming and confront your immediate future.

You pulled up Max’s number and began composing the text which, after several drafts, read: “I’ll be at the apartment today from 3 to 5. My dad’s coming with me, so make yourself scarce. I want my shit back.”

***************

6 months later: September 14, 2018

You were miserable only two weeks after relocating to St. Louis.

It was funny how one phone call could completely change someone’s life. In your case, said phone call involved an extremely attractive job offer with a clear path for advancement within one year. The offers you had received from legal firms in Boston, New York, D.C., and Philadelphia were underwhelming, to say the least, and you were only a week away from graduation. You had already endured a lot of change this year, so why not one more?

After nearly giving your parents a heart attack but ultimately receiving their blessing, you accepted the offer and moved to St. Louis on September 1st. Uncle John had been especially supportive, enlisting Jenna (known by the rest of the world as Pam from The Office) to fly out from L.A. and show you around the city last week. She made sure you knew the ins and outs of the city, which you really appreciated. You also loved your job. You were doing important work every day, and your boss was already hinting at giving you the promotion you wanted. 

So, why were you unhappy? It was your social life, or rather, lack of one. You didn’t know anyone in St. Louis, and while your coworkers weren’t mean, they didn’t make you feel welcome, either.

That seemed to have changed earlier today when two of your desk neighbors who were around your age, Harper and Ellie, invited you out for drinks after work. You couldn’t have been happier. You went home after work, did your hair and makeup, put on your favorite royal blue mini dress, and met them at the dive bar you recommended. You were so excited on the way over that you could barely sit still; maybe you’d make friends with these girls and finally feel like you fit in in this city.

Unfortunately, that didn’t happen. Harper and Ellie abandoned you within less than five minutes after two guys came over and asked them to dance. You were now sitting at the bar alone, nursing a cocktail and despairing over your situation.

It was times like these when you thought about Colton. It had been six months since you’d met him in Boston, and you didn’t want to risk looking like a lunatic by slipping into his DMs on Instagram, but you were getting desperate. It was bad enough that being from the Northeast made you stick out like a sore thumb, but the loneliness was eating you alive, and the combination made you feel unmoored. Maybe a familiar and friendly face could change that.

As if God had answered your prayers, you heard a commotion near the entrance. You swiveled your stool in that direction and saw a group of tall, good-looking men in their 20s entering the bar. The tallest one had blonde hair and black rimmed glasses.

It was Colton.

Your brain screamed at you to look away and approach him after he settled in, but you couldn’t take your eyes off of him as he laughed at something one of his friends said. It was as if he felt your stare because he suddenly looked in your direction and appeared to gasp.

It was only then that you turned away and faced the bar, drinking the rest of your cocktail in a few gulps. You were so embarrassed; he probably thought you were a stalker or something. You were about to flag down the bartender for another drink when you felt that familiar large hand rest on your shoulder.

You turned your head and found Colton staring at you, his blue eyes full of incredulity and…happiness?

“Y/N. It’s really you,” he breathed.

if you’re too shy • richie tozier

(richie tozier x cam girl!reader smut)

[based off the song if you’re too shy (let me know) by the 1975.]

requested: i can't find it lol BUT 🤍anon (i think) requested a fic based off of the 1975′s new song, if you’re too shy let me know !!

warnings: swearing, alcohol use, switch!richie kinda, smut, unprotected sex, a tiny bit of cumplay i guess, mentions of phone sex, oral sex (female receiving), face sitting, a bit of dirty talking, UNEDITED as always

also i wrote this in a different style than usual and idk if i like it much but u can let me know what u guys think,, if its weird i can go in and change the povs since its 3rd person richie

[losers + reader are 21+ in this.]

7.4k words lol

♡

i see her online all the time i'm trying not to stare down there while she talks about her tough time

"h-hey, man, who's that?" the voice from right next to richie makes him damn near leap out of his seat. it makes beverly chuckle a bit as she takes a bite of her apple, shaking her head. "it’s nobody." richie says quickly as he tilts his phone towards his chest and shoots a toothy grin to bill. his friend raises his full eyebrows, "wh-what, so n-nobody was sending you n-nudes?"

"something like that." richie mutters, stomach fluttering as the image flashes in his mind’s eye - the curves, the dark red lace, the plush skin painting a perfect scene in richie’s vivid imagination.

richie looks back down at the photo. his his thumbs hover over the profile picture; he'd found her originally on his instagram explore page, the photos teasing and immediately he had to know more. y/n.

and then a few days later, he'd subscribed to her only fans, which he never quite thought he'd do with anyone, but he couldn't help it. she was so enticing, so perfect and so alluring. it was the playfulness that pulled him in; and he swears he's never lusted after somebody like he has with her. it was kind of starting to freak him out.

"is that o-onlyfans?" bill says and richie shoves bill's nosy face off his shoulder with a panicked grunt. "fuck off, mushmouth."

bill laughs and stan and bev perk up from across the table, staring at the two, interests suddenly piqued. "did you subscribe to a girl's onlyfans, rich?" stan says with a grin, setting his pen down on his notebook. 

richie just smirks and wiggles his brows a bit, enough to confirm his question. bill chuckles from next to richie.

"let me see." bev says, wiggling her manicured nails in a "gimme" motion. richie hands his phone over with red cheeks. normally he wouldn't care about his friends discovering he's paid money just to see a hot chick's bod, but this was different. for some reason, he felt connected to her. god, that thought made him want to slam his head against a brick wall. she doesn't even know him,  for all he knows she could live in the middle of.... montana, or like, ohio.

bev whistles and stan nods, "if i looked like that," bev mumbles as she tosses richie's phone back towards him, "i'd do that too. mad props."

noises of agreement fill the table but richie's just looking at the small smirk that peeks from the corner of one of the photos and he can't help but wonder what her eyes are like in real life. he wishes he could meet her.

girl of your dreams, you know what i mean there's something 'bout her stare that makes you nervous and you say things that you don't mean

it's a cold day when bill and richie find themselves stumbling in to the coffee shop for a drink. bill's muttering about some girl in his creative writing class that gave him head when richie's eyes catch a figure so familiar yet foreign that he stops dead in his tracks. bill turns to him, face confused. "r-richie, what's wrong w-with you?"

richie shakes his head, stammering in disbelief, "that-that's her, bill. the girl, from onlyfans. y/n." he whispers, gesturing with his eyes towards the girl working the register.

bill’s jaw goes slack, green eyes raking over her form and igniting richie’s stomach with boiling rage. as if bill’s doing something that only richie is allowed to do – as if they're not both being total creeps.

“h-holy sh-shit. she’s b-beautiful.” bill mumbles. richie elbows him in the ribs, shooting him a glare that prompts an eye-roll from his auburn haired friend.

richie swallows and watches, his throat feeling like sandpaper as she laughs at something the customer in front of them said. bill nudges richie, "i-i'm gonna get a s-seat. t-talk to her."

he winks and grins as he walks away, leaving richie with his reckless self. he thinks he's sweating through his sweater as he walks up, finding himself face-to-face with her. "hi, how can i help you?" she asks, giving him a smile

holyshitholyshitholyshit.

he might've just came right then and there. okay, he's gotta say something cool, something smooth. don't be a dumbass, tozier. 

"howdy, sugar. i'll have my coffee like i like my women." his mouth blurts as his brain sirens go off, PUT ON THE BRAKES, RICH – "a hot shock to the lap.”

she glares at him, cheeks light pink and eyebrows pulled together in annoyance and yep, richie's probably going to get hard because of that look but he's also probably going to toss his body off a bridge because what the fuck, tozier?

he can hear bill laughing quietly from a ways away and he quickly shakes his head, muttering quietly, "jail. jail, richard."

"funny." she deadpans, clearly not amused. because of course she isn't.

"sorry, i'll have a black coffee, y/n." he mutters, eyes widening to himself when he realizes she was not wearing a goddamn name tag and he just said her name.

this is a disaster. she gives him a bewildered, slightly creeped out look and if richie wasn't panicking, he'd gape at how she still managed to be effortlessly gorgeous even now.

he sighs, shaking his head, the door of the cafe opening and blowing a gust of frigid air through the warm room. fitting - douche chill. 

"look, toots, i don't want this to be weird. i- um, i recognize you." he says, cheeks aflame. she raises a brow, face straight for a few moments, unsure what he means.

it's not long after when recognition flashes over her own face - must have ruled out coffee shop, university and her local gym - and she nods with a tight, almost uncomfortable smile. 

he tries not to think of the livestream he watched last night where she showed all her new gifts and modeled lingerie, and how he’d spent his time to himself with his left hand immediately after watching. his cheeks are red with shame. 

"okay." is all she says, writing down a scribbled order on the coffee cup. her eyes shoot back up and give richie a once-over that really makes his fingers itch - god, why did he have to be this way? 

he almost runs his fingers through his curls but decides against it, eyes opting to focus on her own gorgeous eyes as they meet him. "i'm impressed i have a fan who looks like you, i must say. even if you are a complete jack ass." she purrs and his jaw nearly smacks the floor at its velocity as it flies open.

"what's that supposed to mean?" he asks then with a small grin, flattered at the tiniest of compliments that just barely, in his mind, eclipsed the insult that he so very much deserved.

"i'm saying you're kind of a dick. it's too bad, because you're real cute." she says casually, handing him his change. his stomach flips and butterflies release in his chest, a feeling that he's not felt in almost five years.

but damn, of course he messed up - he got the chance to talk to the hottest girl on earth and he started it by saying an awful joke that wasn't funny at all. of course she though he was a dick, he is one.

he's shocked, though, as he waits for his coffee with bill, who is still snickering into his hand every few moments, to find his coffee cup with extra sharpie scribbled on the white paper. a name.

y/n. and below it is a phone number with a small heart scribbled, and richie can't tell if it's a seven or a one but he figures he'd try every phone number in the damn state if it meant he could fucking text her. holy fuck.

"maybe i would like you better if you took off your clothes i'm not playing with you, baby i think that you should give it a go" she said, "maybe i would like you better if you took off your clothes i wanna see, and stop thinking if you're too shy, then let me too shy, then let me know"

he didn't text her for two days and three hours. yes, he counted it. no, he won't think about why he was obsessing over the numbers - but since the time he'd finally had found the courage to text her today, things have escalated proficiently. 

she'd just mentioned how hot it was in her apartment since her heater had gone haywire - even though the winter winds were cold, she'd claimed she was burning up in what she was wearing.

and the mere mention of her clothing had sent richie into somewhat of a spiral, spending at least seven minutes glued to his phone and scrolling through the saved album he had of those photos of her that she'd posted; his sweatpants getting increasingly tight and his palm suddenly aching to slip through the fabric and find some release.

but, in true trashmouth fashion, he apparently needed that sweet, sweet rejection from a hot cam girl he'd somehow weaseled into getting the number of in order to wank off properly, so he types out a text and hits send immediately.

what are you wearing?

and then he almost vomits in embarrassment – what was she going to think? did he just royally fuck up? oh god, he’s going to have to shave his head and move to canada.

his phone buzzes and he nearly passes out when he lays his eyes upon the image attached – there her body is again, curvy and full and beautiful, her skin glowing in the fading light of what he assumes is her bedroom. and with it:

this. what are you wearing, rich?

and then he pulls his gaze from his phone and stands, breathing heavily because holy shit.

he's gotten nudes before, but.... none from someone like her. holy shit.

he walks to his bathroom, splashing water on his beet-red cheeks. he swallows, staring at himself in the mirror. fuck.

he slaps his cheek once, then winking at himself in attempt to muster any sliver of confidence. and then he snaps a picture, only in his boxers.

and then he has to physically refrain from making a joke about wearing the same lingerie set as her, instead sending a flirty text that he knows any other woman would blush at. he just doesn’t know with y/n, and maybe that’s why he loves it so much. she's keeping him on his toes.

you like what you see?

he sends that one afterwards, shaking his head because oh my god, she's going to respond with "no" and then bill him $40 for the nude she sent him. not that he wouldn't pay, but...

his phone dings and he nearly breaks an ankle running to his desk. 

yeah, i do. but maybe i'd like you better without any clothes on.

he almost yells out loud at this, but he has a feeling that waking up stan in the middle of the night would not be optimal after their 'roommate agreement' they'd made that explicitly states richie cannot scream between 1am - 9am. so instead he smirks to himself, face turning red.

he's getting harder by the moment, and as he stares at that picture she'd sent earlier, he lets out a breathy groan. the lace....

we could face time yk

or we don't have to.

he reads her words in live time, watching the thought bubble appear again and watching it like a hawk. he can just imagine her sitting there with a small smirk as another text comes in and he almost groans as his dick twitches.

like, if you're too shy or something ;)

he stares at the screen for two seconds at that sinful photo she'd sent just before those texts and then sighs, shaking his head and pressing the green face-time call button.

i've been wearing nothing every time i call you and i'm starting to feel weird about it sometimes it's better if you think about it this time, i think i'm gonna drink through it

three days later, richie was undeniably and unequivocally drunk. but, as he's just explained about three times to mike, he knows that it is just easier to not think right, especially about her, right now - and the best way to do that is by getting so piss drunk that even if he tried to "hit her line," as he so eloquently put it, his dick would be too whiskey'd out to make a full appearance.

it's for the best. mike had fake gagged at richie’s cadence with a laugh, but richie was dead serious because he was starting to think he had a real issue.

it was obviously just a fun thing to do between two near-strangers, but he'd found that he was starting to almost pavlov-style condition himself into getting turned on every time the name y/n came across his recent texts or face times, and it was getting to be too much.

especially when her post notification popped up and he cracked a fatty in the middle of his econ lecture. christ, the point of elasticity of markers in the u.s. was not something he pictured when he usually had to quell a pitch in his tent. so yeah, it's too much.

because yes, he loves her fucking body and wants nothing more than her, but in truth he longs for the feeling of her skin against his; to touch her, to kiss her, to make her his. all the time.

but yet, it was just a good way to get off without all the strings and ribbons and yarn and whatever the fuck her soft-looking knit bra is made from attached.

so much for not thinking about her.

but i see her online (and don't think that i should be calling) all the time (i just wanted a happy ending) and i'm pretending i don't care about her stare while she's giving me a tough time

it’s noon the next day and he's laying in (for some reason) stan's bed instead of his own with a blinding, mind-splitting headache and an insatiable craving for a cheeseburger, eyes squinting in lust and something akin to shame as he watches the livestream y/n had just started. she’s in a slip – a very thin, silk and see through slip and it makes him more frustrated than he’s willing to admit.

as he stares at her smooth skin and wonders how it'd be to touch it all, her eyes catch something in the chat and she smiles coyly. "hi, rich." she purrs and richie almost chokes - holy shit, she saw him join.

"do you like my gift i just got?" she asks coyly, snapping the straps of her bra with a small smile and he stiffens almost instantly, thinking of how many times he'd seen her skin in videos and photos that were just for him.

how she'd moaned his name two nights ago on face time, her fingers buried inside herself slightly off-camera. and oh, how he wishes he could see all of her, but they'd not crossed that line yet - anything they'd done hadn't been yet proven visually, only from facial expressions, noises, and the brutal honestly of being together through face time.

he wants her so fucking bad, he needs her like he needs water to drink and air to breathe and it's murdering him as he watches her react to the chat of her livestream, playing with the hem of her black lace panties.

god, he needs a cold shower or something if he's going to get anything done today.

and then he's calling her an a few hours after her stream ends because he just can't wait - he feels his stomach twist with shame as he realizes he should not be doing such a certainly a terrible idea. but she answers after three rings. "richie." her siren voice purrs and he literally feels himself fall deeper into the pit.

"hi there, toots. got any coffee in the pot for me?" he asks, sounding surprisingly eloquent compared to how she normally makes him feel. 

she hums in fake thought, and it makes richie grin. she's fucking adorable. "come to the shop, i have my break in ten." and then she hangs up. he sighs, rubbing his face with his hand as he shakes his head. he's utterly fucked.

he's there in record time, a smirk plastered on his face as he walks in and sees her sitting at a table, lookin' all pretty. just for him.

"what made you think of calling?" she says in loo of a greeting. he sits across from her and wills his eyes to meet hers. "nothin' toots." he says with a half shrug, taking a sip of the coffee placed in front of him that has the the name 'dick' written on it in her handwriting. he rolls his eyes affectionately.

"oh, so it wasn't anything to do with my livestream this morning?" she asks with a look, eyeing him. her eyes are swimmable, they hold so many stories and secrets and maybe richie's just hungover, but he's feeling very flustered.

"we-w, uh, no. what... what are you talking about?" he rolls his eyes at himself inwardly, cursing stuttering bill and his contagious speech patterns. "-i don't know what you're talking about, sugar." he recovers fairly smoothly, if he may toot his own horn. and honestly, he can pretend not to care as long as he doesn't look into that goddamn stare of hers.

he chuckles awkwardly, cheeks aflame as she stares at him with a bored look and a small hum. she still looks perfect and he's even more nervous now, because oh god, oh fuck, he's gonna get slapped in the face by y/n.

it was pretty unspoken since they'd started doing... stuff... that richie probably still watched her content online, but she'd never fully addressed it until today during the livestream in front of a thousand others. 

he's choking on his spit in shame but then a smile splits her face and richie's sure he's suffocated on his own saliva and gone to a sinner's heaven. or maybe hell.

"oh, richie, i'm just teasing you. look at your face!" she says with an airy laugh, pinching his cheeks and making him want to shrivel up as he turns even redder. what the fuck? "-so cute. alright, i've got to get back to work. i'll see you around, rich." she says with a wink, taking her coffee and tossing it into the trash bin as she stalks towards the employee back room.

he gapes as he watches her leave and then gets up and makes his way to the exit, clutching the coffee like it was trying to jump out of his grasp and make a run for it. god, she's too much.

"maybe i would like you better if you took off your clothes i'm not playing with you, baby i think that you should give it a go" she said, "maybe i would like you better if you took off your clothes i wanna see, and stop thinking If you're too shy, then let me too shy, then let me know"

"-babe, you'll have to try harder than that." richie says with a chuckle, watching his phone screen as the beautiful girl on face time gives him a sly, challenging look. she's in a green lace bra, one richie's not seen yet and he can feel himself stiffen as she absently trails her fingers over her chest.

they'd been much closer over the last week since he last saw her in person, enough so that in the three-is weeks of knowing her, he's positive he's head over ass for her in a way that he shouldn't be. and yet, she still comes back every time, still texts him and answers those face time calls. he's baffled, honestly.

"i know you hate me because i'm right." he adds, not even totally remembering what point he's trying to prove as y/n shifts back a bit and more of her body is revealed, her hair glowing dimly in the soft lighting of her room. his eyes run over her curves, her full thighs and stomach and hips that fill over her panties and he almost groans.

"whatever, maybe i'd like you better if you took off your clothes." she says coyly. and richie's half flattered, as usual, but the more he thinks of it the more deflated he feels. he kind of thought they were growing something more than just getting each other off over face time like horny fifteen year olds. he grins nonetheless.

"you say that a lot, you know." richie says breathlessly as he stares at her. she tilts her head ever so slightly and grins, biting her lip as her eyes move around her screen with a conflicted look. "-why?" he adds.

she hums again.

"well. okay, so there's the visual world - like, the internet, onlyfans, instagram- it tells us that everything is amazing. and we should want everything. and it makes us yearn for everything that we don’t have and everything that’s unobtainable. you know, love, a relationship beyond physical. and even physical, it's different when it's online."

her words confuse him much more than they aid him. "you think... that because of the internet, love is unattainable?" he asks with furrowed brows, unsure how somebody so perfect and, quite frankly, lovable, would think that.

"it is for me." she says it with a small sense of forlorning but mostly it's whispered. enough that richie's heart skips a beat and he's, for the first time, not having a hard time keeping his eyes on her face instead of her body.

"what?" he asks dumbly. she just laughs, shaking her head and he stares at her on his tiny phone screen in the dark.

"that’s something that, you know. in real life, person to person, it has a lot of connotations of... trust and vulnerability and connection. doing what i do- and what we're doing… on the internet - it has the opposite of those connotations. like, before you, i didn't- i didn't really do this, i just was selling stuff. because guys don't want to fuck the girl who sells her body online. and you know now, i want to..." she trails off and richie doesn't dare interrupt her because he thinks she's about to say something he's wanted to tell her for a while now.

"i don't know, i guess. exploring someone's body in physical presence isn't seen at all as voyeuristic, or anything apart from...like, an intimate exchange." she says it casually, brushing hair from her face and shit, richie's swooning. he's in fucking love, he knows it, because y/n is so smart and intelligent and he's so fucking trashed for her. as she speaks, her hands move and distract him slightly from her body, doused in blue light from the screen and splayed out for him and only him on her phone camera.

the soft lace on her hips and chest make his body stiffen and it causes him to suppress a groan as she sighs, but richie knows he can’t screenshot this heavenly sight because she’ll definitely notice and she can probably already tell he’s having a hard time not staring at her alluring figure as she talks.

"-whereas, you know. as soon as it happens on the internet, it becomes kinky and cam-girly. and, you know, that's fine. i love doing it. it's just, i'm not sure where the authentic communication even is now. or if i get to have a happy ending." she says and he finally sees her blush for the first time.

he wishes he was there with her, he wishes that he could touch the redness on her cheeks and caress her curvy body and taste her skin on his tongue. he wants to feel himself inside her, he wants to be with her and kiss her lips and yet he can't, so he sighs and shifts in his position, moving to turn up the brightness of his phone so he can see better.

"shouldn't you get to be the one to decide that, doll?" is all he adds. because he feels kind of lost and just as confused as y/n is with this.

he's starting to feel weird about it, because... is this authentic? what makes things like hookups or whatever the hell they've been doing authentic? shouldn't this be easy? it's just phone sex, phone sex with a really hot girl.

a girl who is complex and alive and full of sincerity and richie is definitely falling harder than he should.

she just sighs but makes no other comment. and then they just stare at each other, richie's face illuminated in his dark room by the phone's reflection.

well, i found a motel it looked like the bins i think there'd been a murder so we couldn't get in i need to get back i've gotta see the girl on the screen

"come over and watch a movie with me." he says into the phone, biting his lip. the silence from the other end of the line is deafening as she makes her decision, because they both know she's not about to come over just to watch the shining or psycho. 

they've never done that before, and richie knows if she does come over, then whatever they have will crash down in a fiery mess. and he hates how excited that makes him as he waits in silence for her to drop the ball. so to speak.

"okay." she says, sounding shocked herself, and richie can't contain the excited grin from eclipsing his face. "yeah?" he asks breathlessly, and she's quiet for a little longer. "yeah. text me your address." 

she hangs up after that, and richie's thumbs shake as he types his address and sprints out to where stan, mike, ben, and bill are playing video games in he and stan's living room, wheezing at all of them to get out because someone fucking unbelievable is about to walk through that door.

she's there about an hour later, cheeks flushed when richie opens his door, looking just as nervous and flustered. "hi, chee." she says breathlessly, staring up at him with those goddamn eyes, the eyes that pulled him in the first time. his stomach flips in affection at her nickname and he offers her a drink as she takes in his shitty apartment. he wonders briefly if stan ended up buying that rosé that he'd given him shit for considering, and then prays that stan will stay the night elsewhere.

she's already pouring out glasses of wine when he snaps back to reality, and he grins at her, mumbling in thanks as she passes him a glass that's certainly poured almost to the brim.

"what are we watching, then?" she asks coyly, lifting a brow at him. his cheeks are red, but he tugs her arm down the hall towards his room with a grin, their wine sloshing from their glasses as they move erratically.

"we're watching psycho, y/n/n." he says as he pulls her into his room, glancing back to see she's already swallowed down almost half her glass, a lipstick stain on the side of it. faintly he knows stan will be frustrated if richie doesn't clean that off, but he's more distracted by her lips.

"i like psycho." she says with a nod and a cheeky grin, "the whole 'voyeuristic gaze' thing with hitchcock." she mumbles, and richie recalls faintly learning about that in one of his film classes freshman year and he grins as he takes a hefty gulp of his rosé, figuring he's already given himself away and if she's going to do that, he can too.

he hums, setting down his glass and grabbing hers to set it besides his on the bedside table. he turns around, intending on grabbing his laptop so they could watch the film, but she's so much closer that he'd expected and her hands fall onto his shoulders and he almost shits himself.

unpleasant, but honest. just richie's style.

"can i try something?" she asks with a grin, and richie nods, knowing that she could do anything to him and he'd gladly let it happen and most likely pay out of pocket for the damages afterwards.

and then she's pulling him from her grip on his shoulders, her lips sliding against his and making him grip her hips. his mind almost explodes at with y/n-sensory-overload because he feels her everywhere - on his lips, against his hands, on his shoulders, and pressing against his front.

her lips taste like chamomile and rosé.

she thinks his lips taste like vanilla and cigarette smoke, just as she'd always imagined. he feels so real, pressed against her lips and his body against hers, and she sighs as her tongue slips into his mouth because god, she's needed him for so long. and now she has him.

his hands move, touching every inch of her as their tongues fight for dominance. she pulls back, smirking as she gently pushes him onto his mattress, sliding onto his lap smoothly afterwards, grinding her hips against his slowly.

the moan he emits is heavenly and she could cry because she finally gets to hear it in person and not through the crackling static frequency of the phone.

so she grinds down on him again, eager to feel all of him. he's hardening against her core and she whimpers into his mouth in need as his fingers slip under her top, rubbing circles on her bare skin and making her shiver. she's noticed to this gentleness; it was rare when she did get to enjoy the comfort of another body with her own, and when she did they were hardly half as loving or caring as him.

she's desperate now, she needs to feel him inside her after all these weeks of teasing and waiting, so her hand snakes down to palm him through his sweats. he lets out a small groan into her mouth, biting her lip as he pulls back slightly. their eyes meet and his are hooded with lust, lips parted as she pumps him slowly from outside his sweats. his hips buck up lightly into her palm and she smiles gently, kissing him slowly.

"let me make you feel good, y/n." he mutters, eyes pleading as he stares up at her. her stomach flutters with butterflies and she nods, shocked that he wants to pleasure her.

he gently pulls her off his lap until she's laying on his mattress and he stares down at her, biting his lip as he takes her in. he can't fucking believe she's really here. she slowly pulls off her top, leaving her in her bra and jeans as she stares up at him with a wry, seductive smile. then she unzips her jeans and slides them off, leaving her in his favorite set of hers - black, lacy, and revealing. she looks utterly stunning and he groans, his hands falling to run over the skin, tracing the lace on her breasts. her cheeks are red as she gazes up at him.

"touch me, richie." she orders and he almost groans as he drags his lips over the valley of her breasts, sucking on the soft flesh and admiring the splashes of budding purple and pink that he's created. her heartbeat is quick under his fingertips and he moves to unclip her bra, kissing her skin as the fabric falls away.

she's slightly cold in his room, and goosebumps appear over her flesh as richie leans to catch a nipple in her mouth, flicking his tongue over the sensitive bud. she lets out a quiet whine that has richie rutting into the mattress next to her, his fingers trailing down to dance at the waistline of her underwear.

and then he's pulling aside her panties, his fingers running up and down her slick folds and making her jump in lust. he can't wait, just like her, and he's rubbing her clit teasingly as she pleads, "chee, please."  her eyes are eyes closed in bliss as his finger slips inside her, crooking slightly as he moves it. he presses his lips to the skin of her breast, pumping his finger and then soon adding another, crooking them both in a way that makes her let out guttural moans of pleasure. he marks her breasts with littered pink and red marks, smiling to himself at her figure.

she can't help but swoon as she watches him, his hair in his face slightly until she brushes it back, his fingers curling inside her and making her gasp, pleasure coursing through her body. his thumb softly comes up to rub her neglected clit and she grabs his shoulders to steady herself, the pleasure almost too much.

she's honestly slightly shocked - knowing richie as little as she really does outside of the literal booty calls at two in the morning and the accumulative forty five minutes they'd spent in person, she'd expected him to be... well, good. just good. because there's no way someone so funny, caring, and smart could also be that good in the sheets.

but right now, he's making her see goddamn stars.

"i've been wanting to touch you for so long, sugar." he mutters, eyes raking over her figure as her breath comes in stuttering gasps. she watches him with blown-wide eyes as his demeanor changes right before her, making her fall apart at his fingertips.

"that feel good, honey?" he asks, smirking as she whimpers, clenching around his fingers. "yes, god you feel so good." she utters, making him groan in approval from where he's sat back, watching her face contort in pleasure. she lets out another moan and richie stares at her body, watching his fingers as they fuck into her. he can't take it, then.

"will you sit on my face, doll?" he blurts, and she nearly yelps out as his fingers leave her. it's abrupt, but she's started to notice that this is how he operates - impulsivity is his second nature. and she loves it.

her face burns as she nods, the thought of richie under her making her whimper with anticipation. "yes, richie, please." she moans out again and he's grinning, laying back on the mattress with a wink. "c'mere, need to taste that pretty little pussy." he mutters and she feels herself clench around nothing, desperate for him as she swings a leg around to straddle his head.

immediately, his hands wrap around her thighs, thumbs smoothing over her stretch marks as he stares up at her, eyes glinting with desire. slowly, his finger pulls the seat of her lace panties to the side and his breath hits her bare, throbbing pussy, making her breath hitch. she cards her fingers through his hair and lowers herself slightly, gasping in shock as his tongue darts out to lick a bold stripe up from her entrance to her clit.

"chee," she moans out, tightening her grip in his hair and sending a groan through his body that reverberates and makes her shiver. his lips attach to her clit and fiery pleasure snakes through her body making her legs shake, a moan escaping her lips immediately. he sucks lightly before releasing to swirl his tongue, her moans making richie impossibly harder through his sweats.

"so good, rich." she mutters and he groans, tongue spreading her wet folds and slowly prodding at her entrance, dipping in slowly before pulling out, teasing her.

she can't help but grind down slightly, making richie grip her tightly, tongue sliding into her again and making her yelp. "you taste so good, baby." he mutters lowly before slowly reattaching himself to her heat, her eyes rolling slightly at the sensation as he fucks his tongue into her. one of his hands snakes up to her ass, gripping it tightly and then slapping it, the stinging pleasure making her buck her hips against him, emitting a hiss from her.

"rich, i-" she cuts herself off with a sharp gasp, the pleasure from richie's mouth making it increasingly harder to speak. her toes curl and her head tilts back as his tongue flicks over her clit, teeth grazing it slightly and making her buck.

she's embarrassingly close already, and judging by the way richie's smirking under her, he can tell. "please, please." she mutters, hips rocking on him as his tongue swirls, nipping softly at her clit and making her cry out. "please, make me cum, 'chee." she mutters and his tongue moves quicker, hand slapping her ass again.

and then she's clenching her thighs on either side of him and grinding down as she hits her peak, moaning quietly as she shakes in pleasure on top of him. he rides through her high, lapping at her and pulling away with a grin as she moans his name dejectedly. she's worn out from the best orgasm she's ever had and he gently nudges her so he slides in between her thighs, her back now on the mattress. he kisses her cheek and she keens quietly.

"fuck me, richie." she mutters, eyes still closed. his eyes snap to hers, surprised at the dominance in her voice after how she was two seconds ago.

he moans quietly, kissing her deeply as he ruts against her and relishes in the feeling. he's pulling off his sweats and boxers in record time and then he's pumping himself as he grips her hips, turning her so she's on her stomach, ass propped up slightly. his hand runs over the smooth skin of her ass, snapping the elastic of her panties and making her moan quietly.

then he's lining up her hips with his, pulling aside the lacy seat of her underwear to press against her entrance. he waits a moment as he leans to press a soft kiss to her spine, slowly easing into her. she moans loudly as he eases in, her face pressing against the pillows. she smiles as she smells the scent she'd just recently come to know as his, his cock stretching her and filling her up fully as he buries himself to the hilt inside her.

"so tight, sugar." he mutters and she whimpers, getting antsy as she adjusts to his size. "richie, please, need it so bad." she mutters, bucking her hips back against him in need.

"say that again." he mutters, sounding strangled, and she grins into the sheets. "please fuck me, richie. need it so bad, need to feel you ruin me." she whimpers, chest fluttering in anticipation. his hands grip her hips as he pulls out of her slowly, almost as slowly as he entered, before stopping almost all the way out. she moans loudly in pleasure as he pushes back in, snapping his hips against hers and filling her completely.

she briefly thanks god that his roommate seemed to be out for the night as she moans his name loud enough for the neighbors to hear.

he sets a brutal pace, his cock thick as it fills her up and makes her toes curl. he pushes her hair away from her neck and presses kisses to it as he hits a spot inside her that makes her scream his name. his fingers move to pinch her nipples, rolling them as he fucks into her.

she's completely blissed out at the feeling of him inside her, so glad that he invited her over and that they finally get to touch each other. "rich, oh my god." she emits, eyes squinted shut in complete pleasure.

"fuck, toots, takin' me so well, aren't you?" he asks, hands kneading her ass before slapping her right ass cheek harshly, making her arch her back. at the new angle they both let out a groan and richie knows he'll fucking cum too soon if they stay like this, so without warning he pulls out completely.

y/n whines, breathing heavily as his hands come to flip her around. now on her back, they make eye contact and she bites her lip, pulling him in for a searing kiss that knocks the wind out of both of them. images of richie in his room alone, snaps and late-night face times play through her mind as he grips her and slides her hips down towards him on the mattress and lines himself to her again, pulling her legs up so they're against his chest before pushing in.

he gives no time to adjust to this angle and it makes her moan loudly as he hits a spot deep inside her that pulls her closer and closer to her second orgasm.

his name leaves her cherry lips like a mantra and he can't stop staring at her as he fucks her into the mattress - the way her tits bounce with his brutal pace, the way her face is twisted in pleasure, the way she clenches and spasms around his cock.

one hand grips her breast, rubbing her nipple with his thumb and forefinger as he kisses her again, addicted to her taste as he feels himself coming closer and closer to the edge.

"chee, fuck, right there." she moans out and he groans in pleasure, the feeling of her walls clenching around him making his hips stutter. he keeps his thrusts up, though, as her fingernails rake down his back leaving small trails of burning pleasure in their wake.

her skin is covered with a sheen line of sweat as she looks up at him, hair wild and lips kiss-bruised. "god, don't stop, 'm gonna cum." she mutters and he snaps his hips harder, eager to make her cum so hard all she can think of is his name.

he moves a hand down to rub at her clit and he moans into her neck as she clenches hard around him, her hips bucking spastically. he can tell she's about to cum, and after a hard thrust, she does for the second time, spasming around him and sending waves of pleasure up his body. she's moaning his name, pulling him closer in bliss as she becomes sensitive and god damn it, she's so fucking beautiful.

"please cum, richie." she whispers against his lips, "please."  and then at her will, he's spilling into her, hips stuttering as he pushes as deep into her as he can, loving how she clenches in sensitivity around him. he stays inside her for a moment as they breathe, coming down from their highs and eyes closed as they take in what just happened.

"holy shit." he says because yeah, that's like all he can say right now because he just got to fuck y/n and she's kissing his fucking collarbones right now and its making him blush and his heart flutter.

"that was...incredible." she whispers against his skin and he can feel her smile against his skin. it makes him feel all soft inside as he pulls out of her and flops next to her, kissing her forehead.

his fingers flutter over her sensitive core, smiling as he sees how wrecked she is, some cum dripping down her leg. he then soothes over the lace panties, patting her lightly and kissing her red cheek.

"rich?" she asks, making him look up at her. he hums in question, pushing some of her hair back. "can we still watch the movie?"

his heart swells and he grins, kissing her softly. "of course, doll. you're too cute." he says with a wink, making her roll her eyes. he hands her his shirt and then pulls sweats on himself, mumbling "stay here" and padding out to the kitchen to get her water and snacks,  then returning minutes later to see her holding his phone in her clutch with a smirk.

"what're you doing?" he asks with a smile, but she shakes her head, making grabby hands for him and the snacks. so he laughs, cuddling up with the girl of his dreams and watching a flick, falling sleep with tangled limbs and a lipstick-stained neck.

and after she leaves the next morning with a kiss and a wink, he checks his phone and smirks to himself as he notices the lock screen she'd apparently made last night while he was making snacks.

a photo of her in his bed, wearing his shirt, a soft smirk on her face, neck littered in budding hickeys and a hand between her thighs next to her black lace panties.

god, she's going to be the absolute death of him.

//tag list:  @gabiatthedisco @blisshemmings @simplesammyx @dickology64 @clownsloveyou @emnotm @moon-shine-baby @toziershmozier @daughter-of-the-stars11 @lets-vibe-bro @trashedfortozier @oceandog13 @beauregard-s@finnskindofwoman  @kait-tozier @upamongthestarss \\

hi!! i was wondering if you had any tips for writing smut?? i’m terrible at it and would love some of your h o l y advice <3

hi!! of course! i’m so so sorry this is so late! it’s been a busy (and emotionally exhausting) few days but i hope whoever sent this still sees this!! it’s sort of a mess but *hopefully* includes something helpful.

i’m going to put it under the cut though just in case:

first i want to link this super helpful smut writing 101 post that’s my go-to for providing references. it’s what helped me a lot when i was first attempting to write smut back in my first fic and was intimidated about where to start! in my opinion, it’s really thorough so i highly suggest giving it a read!

this one is also rather helpful! i got it from the @bottomlouisficfest writing tips tag which is another great place to look for writing resources and tips if you ever need any!

i don’t want to repeat what’s been said in those posts (probably way more eloquently than i could ever attempt) but i’m still going to list a few things that i tend to keep in mind/do when writing smut. just want to emphasize real quickly that there’s no “one correct set of rules” for writing smut and i’m surely not the single expert (or even an expert at all, lol) so read this and if something resonates with you, keep it mind, but if you disagree, then that’s fine too! it’s your writing and it should be what you want/like first and foremost.

now for the actual “tips” :

- analyzing smut scenes that you’ve thought to be “well-done”

just want to clarify that ‘analyzing’ never in a million years means ‘copying.’ all words you put down on that document should be 100% your own - i shouldn’t even have to explain that. but when you’ve never written smut before (or you have but not frequently), looking at smut scenes that you deem to be successful is a great way to get an idea of how to set up a scene. look at what they focus on and emphasize, how they balance description and dialogue, and how much they delve into the sensations/actions.

i can say pretty confidently that no one who’s never read a smut scene will be able to write a (good) smut scene, so read!! read and learn from what you read!

- be clear about what kind of scene you want to write

1. intent/purpose

what is the intent of this scene? okay, that sounds a bit confusing - it’s smut. the purpose is pretty much always going to be achieving intimacy between the characters, and/or portraying dynamics/etc but make sure you’re achieving those goals when writing smut/smut scenes. i know it may seem like you have to add smut to every fic you write (and i know i’m not one to talk considering all my fics so far have included - and some of them a lot of - smut) but it’s not a requirement! if you don’t want to write it or you don’t think it fits in with the story, don’t force it!

that being said, there is usually a “point” to the scene. sometimes people use smut as a plot device which is fine too (creating drama/angst - like fwb where one is pining or something like that - IDK) but you should know what that intent is before you write the scene so it aids your goal rather than contradicts it or worse, confuses reader. this sort of relates to the 3: atmosphere too so i’ll come back to this!

2. language

depending on the type of scene you want to write, your language and prose should reflect your intent/goal from before.

- cock vs other words: this one is less about the intent, and more just about language choices in general. ‘cock’ is the most widely used word for ‘penis’ in smut scenes for a reason, so i highly suggest using it. i know people don’t want to be repetitive so they try to use multiple words, but ‘cock’ is seriously your best best. if it isn’t broke, don’t fix it, and all that. ‘dick,’ ‘length,’ and maybe ‘shaft,’ or ‘prick,’ can be used too depending on the circumstances/atmosphere (for example, i’ll only use ‘dick’ in fics where the smut is “dirtier” because imo it stands out as a bit more crude?)

- come/cum: this is a differentiation that varies from writer to writer but what i personally tend to do is ‘coming/come’ for the verb and ‘cum’ for the noun. even then, i typically don’t use ‘cum’ in fics where the smut is less dirty, more romantic because again, it’s more ‘crude/dirty’ than the counterpart - once again, people’s opinions on this vary though, so think about what flows better with the type of scene you want to write.

and some more general writing tips: be precise with your word choice (this is actually sort of related to the above two things as well but i felt those needed to be separate dhjdkd) - words like ‘gripping’ and ‘grasping’ while seemingly being the same, tend to denote slightly different meanings, at least for me when i read! ‘gripping’ is more firm while ‘grasping’ is more desperate. things like this also connect to atmosphere but it’s language so i’m keeping it here! 

some words/phrases that i keep in a list and that also may give you a good idea of the kind of writing that’s typical to smut scenes are: pumping fingers in vs fingers pressing in (those two also have different meanings/pictures), hips snapping forward vs hips drawing forward (again! it’s all about word choice), nails cutting shapes into the skin of his back, slow drag of his hips vs ramming in, cock thick and pressing deep, pushing deep with agonizing precision, fingers grasping helplessly at the sheets, toes curling into the mattress, skin slick with sweat, throat fluttering with every breath, head lolling back, body going slack, heart racing/thundering in his ears, etc etc. 

think about the five senses and what the characters are feeling. think about the dynamic between them. all of that should be reflected in the writing style (and oftentimes already is, just subconsciously, but it never hurts to be aware). 

3. atmosphere

in other words, is this scene meant to be romantic? dirty? is it more light-hearted or intense? these are things that should impact the way you write the scene. if i’m writing a romantic smut scene, then i’ll pay less attention to the actual acts itself and more to the emotions and tenderness behind it. there’ll probably be more metaphors (but also: never overuse metaphors because that also gets confusing) and sweet nothings being whispered in comparison to a scene with lots of dirty talk and more significance to the physical aspect (it’ll also probably include rougher sex in comparison to sweeter, slower sex).

if it’s a more light-hearted scene, consider adding elements such as humor to enhance that goal/intent (see, they’re back!) it’s all about what you want this scene to accomplish in the reader’s eyes!

just some other quick things: when you have multiple smut scenes in a fic, it can be hard to not get repetitive but you also don’t want them to be too similar. as a general recommendation, differences between scenes shouldn’t come from language or anything like that, but from things like setting or content (positions, actual sexual acts, etcetera). if they fuck in a bedroom twice, then maybe change it up - make it the shower or against the wall next time. and again, the atmosphere! switch it up!!!

also remember that you don’t have to include penetration to write a successful/satisfying smut scene! there’s plenty of other things your characters can do to get off and establish intimacy. i think one of the above resources mentions it but you also don’t always have to include the foreplay or every single step for the smut scene, especially if there’s already been a smut scene with all of those components. obviously, make it clear that the prep occurred already and that they’re being safe, etc, but you don’t actually have to show all of that stuff if you don’t want! and contrastingly, if there’s only one smut scene and it’s a longer fic, feel free to include more of the foreplay/build-up!

- balancing physical and emotional aspects

this one depends again on what type of scene you’re writing but it’s also good general advice. you don’t want to write a smut scene that glosses over all the physical aspects and just focuses on the feelings of a character to the point that you have no idea what they’re even doing but you also don’t want the opposite.

one thing i try to do is keep the descriptions of movements/actions to a minimum - that’s majority of what gets repetitive when you start to have multiple scenes in a fic and sometimes it includes unnecessary explanations for things. that isn’t to say you shouldn’t make sure the reader understands what’s going on (this is why watching porn is helpful - so you can see the best way to describe different positions and how bodies are moving in relation to each other. i know a lot of people don’t like porn but if you can tolerate it, this is literally one of the best ways to see visually what you want to write).

- dialogue

okay this wasn’t initially part of my list, but i just wanted to make a small note on it! dialogue during smut is honestly one of the most intimidating parts, at least in my opinion but a general rule to follow if you’re like me is: less is more. 

and again!! dialogue should reflect the type of scene you’re writing. dirty talk is vastly differently from sappy compliments and you can have both in one, but thee has to be a balance! 

dialogue is also one of the best ways to differentiate the participating characters and establish their dynamic. this goes beyond dialogue actually, but this whole post is unorganized at this point so let’s go with it. no two characters will act the same during sex! some are loud, some are quiet, some are dominant, and some are submissive. and guess what? that shows through when they talk!! things like begging, teasing/taunting, praising, and other verbal components all tell you something about the character so keep that in mind too! 

also not quite dialogue but still verbal so sounds! things like whimpering, whining, gasping, groaning, moaning, grunting, growling (if it’s abo... or one of them just likes that sort of thing), and also screaming/yelping/crying out are all things that are regularly seen in smut scenes. 

- practice!!

this may go without saying but i’m still going to say it. the only way to get better at something is by doing it again and again and the more you do it, the more you’ll learn and improve and the easier it’ll get. it may seem daunting right now but eventually it’ll be like second nature. the first full smut scene i ever wrote was literally less than a year ago (march, i believe) and i’ve written many many since then, some better than others, all showcasing new knowledge and techniques that i may not have utilized before. i honestly don’t even want to reread that first scene but i also know i don’t have to reread it to know i’ve improved a lot since then and so can anyone!

i have absolutely no idea if this is helpful or not but hopefully it is in some small way?? if you or anyone has any more specific questions that i can maybe help with, let me know! and sorry again that this is so unbelievably late!

I need to stop going to these LGBT+ wikis to read about things when I feel confused over terms, I only end up being even more confused and overwhelmed over the amount of terms there, especially when over the half of them has "Tumblr use *name here* came up with this term in 20XX".

It's like a rabbit hole??? I just want to read about some aspec term, let's say aplatonic, and I end up in a spiral of pages that end up to a page that has a term such as ahomoheterosexualplatonicgay or whatever. And this is a joke. Maybe a bit distasteful joke but honestly, this is how I feel when I see the amount of these terms that sound more like they were only designed to one person and then uploaded to some LGBT+ wiki to where everyone can write!

And because I know how Tumblr is like, I'm gonna say that I am TOTALLY FINE with people coming up with terms for themselves, I'm not here to gatekeep anything or anyone, what I'm saying is that it's just so incredibly confusing to have the aspec identities broken into even smaller microlabels under microlabels.

I myself stop at asexual and aromantic. I don't need to define these terms more than that. Sometimes I use "loveless aro" but the reason I started googling and ended up being overwhelmed (as I do every single time I visit these wikis) was because I again forgot what it feels like to be a loveless aro, and simply wanted to know.

Then I again started to read about how it feels like to be aplatonic. Or demiplatonic. And I don't understand. But I might have found a new term for myself called Laimoplatonic because apparently it is e.g. "when one does not know if they are aplatonic or not because they don't know what platonic attraction feels like" and lmao if that isn't me. But that still goes a bit too far for me so I guess I'm gonna just keep saying I'm loveless aro or maybe aplatonic. There's also a chance of being demiplatonic but maybe I just have never met such person yet. I do have a desire for emotional intimacy (no physical), the kind you can experience with only one person usually (depending on what you like, that is), but that's all. Still don't know if that goes under platonic attraction or not since, as I already said, I don't know how it feels like since I don't know if I have ever felt platonic attraction. Exactly the reason for why I am aroace too cos I have never felt sexual nor romantic attraction, but at the same time I'm so curious I'm always wondering what do those feel like cos I can't even imagine them. It's the same with platonic. I do have that when I see someone and I just feel like I'd love to be their friend cos I feel like we'd get along perfectly, but I think that is more about the vibes and my loneliness and the need to have like-minded friends, and I'm not sure if being aplatonic (or demiplatonic) means that, or the lack of "deeper" platonic attraction.

This is why I use the word loveless aro sometimes because I do care about my friends and family, sometimes very deeply, but I cannot explain how do I care about them. I don't know what I feel or don't feel. I just have a hunch that it's not the same kind what they feel, you know? Not sure if it's my neurodiversity, but even that doesn't explain it when also many of my friends are neurodivergent aka probably would experience stuff more similarly to me than to neurotypicals. Yet none of them is fully aroace/aro/ace (as far as I'm aware), so they experience these differently from me.

But then again, it could just be the fact that I am very lonely and I don't even remember anymore how I am with other people in general. I think I know how I am, but at the same time I think it's just how I IMAGINE I am cos I no longer know. I only know how I used to be when I was a teenager, but I have never really had friends as an adult and I'm really bad at maintaining friendships. Like, that is another problem: I care about my friends, but I don't really miss them ever. I am always happy to text or talk or meet and it's lots of fun, but I just never have the desire to contact anyone. I can go for months without any kind of interaction with anyone and I don't feel a thing, cos for me friendships kinda are only put on hold but they don't disappear just because they're put on hold? I recently saw a post about something similar to this and apparently it's a neurodivergent thing. But yeah, if we talked yesterday or a year ago, I simply don't feel the difference. The only downside is: people do change a lot even in a year so I often feel like I no longer know the person because while the friendship was on hold, I feel like so was the person too.

A bit like playing a video game and when you quit, it continues from where you were left and the characters are still the same. That's how my brain think also real life works and it's always so weird to notice the people have grown and evolved meanwhile I wasn't interacting with them, which sometimes is very overwhelming for me. This is why I often have problems when I think about my friends as I often go from "THIS IS MY FRIEND" to "I don't know this person???" and back to "THIS IS MY FRIEND" in milliseconds. And it's very, very confusing. I often wonder if I actually know any of my friends and if everything is just an illusion in my head I have created from the pieces I have collected about them over the years. I could be so wrong about all my friends, when I really think about it. Especially when I have used even years old pieces.

For example: My only IRL friend I have known since we were 15, so for 15 years now, and I think the reason I feel weird about her is because some of the "pieces" of her are still the ones I collected when we were 15. And they don't fit today's pieces of her. Yet I try to make them fit and find it really difficult to throw away the old pieces, so in my head it's like a puzzle made from totally unmatching pieces I'm trying to force to stick together with tape and such. And that's why I still feel confused when talking to her, because the way she is today is sometimes much better than when we were teenagers, but at the same time I still am mentally in the time we were 15-20 and expect her to answer and think the way she did back then. It's very confusing to my brain.

Idk what I'm saying here. I meant this to be just a random rant but then it turned into a deep thoughts once again...

it’s time... for a dragon age 2 playthrough post. scroll on!

The things i loved most:

1) the frame of the game - Cassandra interrogating Varric.

What a great way to get hook the player. Like, the opening of guards dragging this poor dwarf with cuts of the title, and then Cassandra demanding answers... Whoaaa! I have no idea if that’s usually done in games or not, but it’s definitely such an amazing intro with characters introducing themselves as well as the story so perfectly, it captivates instantly. The tutorial has a charm to it bc varric is messing around. Which serves to show more of his character. Cassandra’s personality was pretty much blank here but her presence is so powerful. Something happened, something huge and they know and i was about to find out. I can’t describe how excited that intro made me feel. Each time the scene cut to the interrogation scenes, my eyes were glued more than ever. Just GREAT.

Also it makes for a very convenient scapegoat for every plothole ever with the argument “it’s just his version of the story”.

2) The story.

It’s tragic. It’s amazing! The further you play, the more you can see that no matter what you do, everything leads to a disaster. Hawke doesn’t want to take sides, tries to mediate, does not want to get involved, but just can’t stop it. For every thing gained, Hawke loses two more. Your friends come with packages that get you involved in terrible stuff. Your good intentions result in disasters. The whole game you spent time climbing  the social ladder not only to reach the top hauntingly alone after losing all of your family, but also losing even that empty title and watching as the city you started to find your place in fall apart in blood. UGH! GAH! FEELS!

3) Kirkwall.

“ But, I beg you my dear readers, never forget that, no matter the subject of any story that might ever be explored between the cliffs of Kirkwall, She will find a way to steal the thunder of the protagonist. Or become the antagonist. Kirkwall is never a mere background. We could even understand it so: the challenge for you dear readers is to prevail against the smokescreens and observe to what extent our characters are players or played by the merciless black souled stone giant. Enjoy playing the dare of the ages between the lines of these humble memoirs. “

Memoirs from the Downfall - Act I. Mirage    by Pfefferminze on ao3 (fic rec!)

This paragraph summs up what Kirkwall is better than I ever could. This shrouded mystery that surrounds Kirkwall keeps you on toes. From the first intro when Varric describes it (paraphrasing from memory) “Kirkwall. The city of chains. It is a free city - keeping in mind i use the  the word loosely”. You already start seeing how dark Kirkwall gets. The name, that derives from its black walls (interestingly, the walls in the game aren’t black...), the history of slavery etched into every corner of that city  and its surroundings - the names (The Gallows, the Bone Pit, the Wounded Coast, the pub The Hanged Man), the scenery (sculptures of slaves, the sunken ships by the Wounded Coast, slums and underground of the Lowtown and the Darktown).

I was really digging the History of Kirkwall and it loved it. Kirkwall has a history of violence, from the times of slavery of the Tevinter Imperium, to Qunari conquests and liberation from Orlais. Many revolts and uprising. And though free now, it’s suggested that, seeing that the Templars hold the most influence, Kirkwall is in the hands of the Chantry.

It’s full of cultures mixing together. I love how not one of your companions is a native to Kirkwall, and it feels like a crossroads to every character’s life. a very tragic crossroads in their life, seeing there’s nothing ever good waiting for you in Kirkwall.

Also there’s these codex entries you look for about the Enigma of Kirkwall. It was when i started digging that up that i fell in love with the city and all. Combined with the History of Kirkwall and every codex entry for every place in and out of Kirkwall, I was pulling my hair out reading about the Enigma. I..i’m still not quite sure what happened. Did the magisters use blood of thousands upon thousands slaves to unbound a forgotten one? if so, is that corypheus? And around what time did that happen?? I get that part (or all?) of Kirkwall’s mysterious violent agency is owed to corypheus slumbering relatively close to the city, but is that all? or is there something more? In either case, the Band of Tree are my heroes.

4) The characters.

I’ll talk more about them later, but in general, i just love how they oppose each other, how complex they are, and there is just not pleasing everyone. They feel genuine. They are all deeply flawed. They all have a solid background that makes their beliefs and actions convincing. The friendship/rivalry points are shaky though, and sometimes really don’t fit the character, but i guess there must be someone hating/loving your bad choices for the sake of the game regardless of characterisation. But all in all, i really appreciated each and every character, and loved how their viewpoints challenged me.

First i want a disclaimer: i love each and every character in the game, whatever i say against them doesn’t diminish my liking of them. My issues really aren’t significant. Also, i might and probably will say smth wrong bc i’ve only played it once. I’m a baby.

let’s start with Family:

Mama Hawke:

i really loved mama hawke. after reading her codex entry and an excerpt of some book on this site, i really feel for her. I mean, imagine going back to your home city where you only remember being respected and wealthy only to find out everything you remember is gone, you are forced to live in poverty, your kids are doing dangerous jobs and you can’t stop them bc you do need that money, you write letters trying to get the old connections but keep failing (at least it was implied?), it’s really been hard for her. I get why she was so obsessed with her legacy. She wanted her childhood home back. She can’t feel like Kirkwall is her home until she is home.

Also loved her antagonism towards Hawke. It seems she can no longer treat him like a child, so she criticises him instead. and honestly, hawke is doing some crazy things so he defintiely deserves some criticism. And stopping Hawke from taking carver with him is just logical to me, idk. since she knows she can’t stop Hawke from going, she will at least attempt to prevent the last kid from going into mortal danger. I’d do the same. AND AFTER HAVING CARVER DYING IN DEEP ROADS I AGREE WITH HER

All in all, i don’t think she’s a perfect mom, but there is no perfect mom, and Leandra does care a lot for her kids. The All that remains killed me too :’(

Bethany

RIP :(

Her codex is not long, but i guess she wasn’t happy with her magic :(

CARVER

My favouritest bestest bro in the game. A secondary character with an inferiority complex towards his sibling, with no sense of humour, blaming everyone else for his inability to get a life? I see a lot of myself in him.  He is sooo bitter, but doesn’t even realise (or at least doesn’t admit) that he’s his biggest obstacle. He feels like it’s Hawke’s fault for Carver not getting his place in the sun, but honestly, it’s Carver’s devotion to Hawke that keeps him from getting a life. He’s just tied with that responsibility and can’t break from it unless forced to.

His interactions with other characters are so funny. Either he’s bitter or he’s awkward, i die every time ;;__;;

Anyways, he became a templar in my game and i thought it fits better thematically (throughout the game the grey wardens felt more like a fanservice material since they really aren’t connected to the story), but after reading that meta about carver and seeing the striking difference between warden!carver and templar!carver i wanna reload and redo everything ;;__;;

i mean... carver isn’t exactly a templar material. The codex entry for templars says that the wanted characteristics of templars are strong faith and utmost  obedience, none of which carver really has... . But that moment when he stands up against meredith was *chefs kiss* worth it. I’m just wondering what happens after, is he still a templar? is he with hawke? is he in Kirkwall or if not, where did he go?? so many questions ;A;

Uncle Gamlen

I feel bad for him. Mostly he’s mean but i like to think it’s bc he’s so ashamed that his sister sees what he’s become. And he’s bitter about his own life. I was so happy when i realised he has a personal mission ;__; I feel bad that he didn’t come to live in the hawke estate tho, especially since Hawke is also alone there :(

COMPANIONS!

Varric

There are no words that can properly convey the amount of love for this guy. He is simply flawless. He’s a charming godfather of the dwarven mafia. I wanna have a charming godfather of the dwarven mafia in my life... He already becomes interesting with the intro, and i gotta say, out of all ~storyteller~ types of characters, he is the best. he puts a disclaimer at the beginning with that game tutorial, and during the whole interrogation he’s like “well, how do you know i’m not lying? i could be.” Also, his voice is the second best voice in the game. 

As for his personal missions, oh wow, that thing with his big bro really hurt. I also gave him the red lyrium... was that a mistake? will i regret it? ;__; I know the true friend would prevent him, but i also trust that varric knows how to handle dangerous stuff...

On a side note, since i’ve read the comics (no self control whatsoever), i loved the beginning of the Until We Sleep, where varric mentions it’s easier to imagine all the people he had to kill were evil than to face the fact that those were normal people just doing their job or trying to survive. Man, it hurts TAT

*garret hawke’s voice when he looks a certain way at the family crest in the hawke estate* ISABELA!

Ok ok, so, i love Carver bc i relate,  i love Varric because he’s simply perfect. But I love Isabela because she’s the most intriguing.

She just crashed in Kirkwall and really didn’t sign up for all the trouble she got. She never likes to have deep conversations, she is always downgrading herself and you just wonder, what is it that happened in her life, and you know her past mistakes haunt her, and she’s doing her best to move on. Her arc was i think my favourite. I think the comic Those Who Speak really adds a lot to her arc in DA2 and makes some of her choices more understandable. Her whole story is about her internal conflict of whether to survive or do the right thing. Her story about freeing the slaves got her ship wrecked is great and all for making her be a pirate with a golden heart, but that story about her drowning all the slaves few years previous make this freeing of slaves a big character moment for her. She finally did the right thing. And she got for it was more trouble, because she’s a pirate which means she can’t afford to just do the right thing. And throughout the game, that same story is going back and forth. She runs off with the Relic bc she’s done the right thing before and it got her nowhere, so now she decided to put her own survival as a priority, but comes back bc she’s too kind to just leave Hawke standing like that. And again, with the slaver papers, it’s the same reasoning: it’s her or the higher cause. She needs that ship. She chooses herself. It’s her biggest flaw. But hey, between pros and antis in your party, it was really refreshing to have someone who, along with varric, just gives you a break with moral high-grounds.

I only wish we actually got to see her more as a captain in power in the game or that she showed me that amazing hat she saw in lowtown. It’s cool that it’s implied that her crew doesn’t like her and she also lost most of them during the crash while the others probably left her after.

I love it when she says she goes sometimes to the docks just to watch the ships. That there is no feeling like sailing. I just want a spin-off with captain isabela’s terrible adventures (´A`)

Also, isabela’s VA is my fave, she really did an amazing job. she voices so smoothly, i wouldn’t know if i was playing a game or watching a movie. And has such a pretty way of talking...

Aveline

I’m really neutral towards Aveline. I like her personality and i like that she’s found herself a purpose and advanced in the guards, and she’s always looking out for everybody. I just wish her personal missions went in the vein of the one in act 1... i feel it would have been more interesting to see her having trouble in her position and that you can’t just waltz into Kirkwall and take command. It’s implied she’s being pressured, so i guess she’s just dealing with it herself, but i just... eh. She’s ok.

Merrill

Merrill actually has one of the if not the most tragic story-line that really challenges you both morally and emotionally. 

Her cheerful and cute personality is dampened by her constant dark leitmotif of willingly practicing blood magic. And i think her story really showed well the indirect consequences of it.

Not in one instance was Merrill’s practice of blood magic an active culprit for all tragedy that surrounds her. First, it seems that blood magic is practiced in the clan, seeing there is no freeing Flemeth without it, but i’m guessing it’s seldom practiced and with great caution. So Merrill wasn’t in any danger of being prosecuted for her blood magic. It’s actually her wish to study it further with the help of the demon that makes her an outcast. That and the magic mirror that apparently is forgotten for a reason. Also, it’s made quite clear that Merrill would be welcomed back no questions asked if she at any point decided to ditch the demon and live without the study of magic mirror. She, on the other side, is driven by the higher cause, the idea that figuring out the forgotten purpose of some evil mirror might help her clan, and is willing to be an outcast if it means reaching her goal and helping her clan. Fast foward to act 3, the clan is still there when they should have moved away, and it’s only when you face the demon possessed Keeper, you realise why. She knew Merrill would sooner or later bargain with the demon again. And she sacrificed herself, trapping the demon within her, as to prevent it. And i think that is why the clan stayed so long there. She waited for Merrill because she wanted Merrill to kill her, and hopefully with her the demon. It didn’t go as planned, obviously, but i really think she had good intentions. When Merrill does manage to kill the Keeper she’s forced to face the clan and i chose the wrong option of telling the truth which resulted in a massacre. Merrill gets back and regrets everything. She, however resolves to help the alienage.

The thing is, there is no one to blame Everyone had the best intentions. Everyone is working for the safety of the clan. it’s a story of sacrifice and when sacrifice feels like the wrong choice (whether it truly is or isn’t depends on your worldview) and it’s really done well.

But here are my issues with Merrill. I love her as a character, but i don’t agree with her decisions.  It’s a personal issue. Merrill is giving up everything as to help her clan by learning history of the evil mirror. And while this is a game where old things are important and significant, her mission is always explained as this duty of preserving history. And while i agree that preserving history is very important, there is a limit to it. you should never put history before the present. If your research endangers the present, you give up on that line. The other is that you need to make peace with the fact that many, many things are forgotten and will be forgotten. It’s sad, but you gotta make peace with the fact that some things are just gone.

And Merrill, who is a magic historian, fails to see that. So that kinda irks my historian moral codex. And in the end, as far as i know, Merrill doesn’t succeed in reviving the evil mirror and dedicates herself to help the alienage. It was a terrible way to learn that some things aren’t worth it.

The other, less personal issue, is that none of this had to happen. I mean, the keeper obviously didn’t think Merrill was experienced enough to actually deal with demons and therefore distrusted her and warned the clan about it. So, if Merrill was a little bit more patient she could have just studied normally under the keeper, and when she herself becomes the keeper, she could have fraternize with that demon however she wanted without much complications. So yeah... i guess youth is made of idealism.

But as i said, minor issues. Her story is really, really great.

Fenris

Fenris and Anders are my “i love you but i am soo annoyed by you but i still love you” characters. Half of the time they’re just there to make you feel guilty for being a neutral party. Which sometimes has me rolling my eyes. If Fenris and Anders actually got along with each other, slavery and mage oppression would have ended in 2 days. Which makes it all the more frustrating that they do not.

Fenris.. his voice. What a nice voice colour. So elegant, but kinda rough, sometimes he talks like he’s 80 years old, sometimes like he’s a teenager. I love it.

As for the rest, i mean, i don’t agree with his methods, but very often, the guy’s got a point. I get his experience with mages colours his view on them, so while i symphatise, it’s really hard to have him on my “free mages” missions when he’s my best tank and i want him to be on friendly terms with Hawke so this makes things... difficult. That aside, it’s interesting that fenris doesn’t see mages as evil per se, but rather victims who, in his experience, will always, always going to succumb to a demon. It’s an inevitable reality to him. And this makes me wonder if he ultimately, despite being his friend or lover, is just waiting for the day he will be forced to kill Hawke too :(

As for his missions, they were ok, it led up to culmination and i didn’t let him kill his sister bc Hawke has just lost his mom, don’t do smth you’ll regret ;__;

also, somewhere around the end of act 2 i decided to romance fenris bc i love to suffer, so i worked the whole act 3 trying to get more aproval points and also wondering why are there no romance options when i talk to him... turns out that one night stand with isabela romanced her and canceled fenris. But i never even finished the romance with her so i’m just ??? about it all.

I wish it was more explained about the tattoos fenris has? I just thought the tattoos would play a big role somewhere in the game and it just never happened. There was a banter with Merrill about how his tattoos are similar to valaslin, so i thought, hmm, interesting, maybe the two are connected. But nah they just glow in the dark and make you pass through walls. Whatevs.

also dude just goes and kills without a second thought, i’m just “mate, you gotta calm down”. But that’s his thing. He’s constantly bitter and is very bad at anger management. I can’t blame him, considering he lacks around 10- 20 years of experience due to amnesia.

He’s the only one who left me when Hawke sided with mages, and i was like, “ok i getcha, it’s been nice knowing you”, but then when i asked him to join me 5 minutes later he just went “ok changed my mind” which was so funny, like, where did all that integrity dissappear??? It would have been more impactful if the dialogue went in the line of “i want to stand by my principals but you’re a living breathing proof that not all mages are weak to succumb to demons so i’ll join you in the end” (and then side-eye “i told you so” when orsino turns into a demon)

And i wanna read the fenris comic now bc my question for every character here is what is their fate after kirkwall. I only know that isabela & varric are working for alistair and merrill wants to help the alienage. Aveline is i guess either dismissed from her job or got a pass after cullen took  the command.  But Carver?? Fenris?? Anders?? They never talked about long term plans...

Anders

ooh boy, here we go. there are many questions i have for him and am generally just hmmmm. First, as for his pro-mage rights - it’s like opposite fenris so i just have the same feelings: you mean well, i don’t agree with your methods, your experiences define your worldview so i let some things slide, but other things i will not agree with. Though, question: in how many circles has Anders been? He knows the kirkwall circle, he knows the fereldan circle. Seeing he has excaped 7 times, did they send him to a different circle each time or was the fereldan the last one? or the first one? Or maybe it was his boyfriend they transferred? did i miss something?

I’ll just whisper: awakening!Anders >>> da2!Anders. I just miss the old anders. Which says a lot bc during the awakening i was just “shut up anders”. I miss his bad jokes, his terrible attempts at flirting, his enjoyment of freedom, nagging all the time, and generally being more moderate in pro-mage rights. Like, in awakening, because it was not the only thing he talked about, it felt more personal and intense. Here mage-rights are the only thing he ever talks about + justice. I mean, please correct me if i’m wrong, this was just general impression. But to defend da2!Anders here, it makes sense that merging with mixed both of their personality, and i like that they did that. It’s also very sad.

The thing is, when i’m thinking about anders, i love his story and character. Just as it’s terrible that Fenris, having no memory from before being Fenris, Anders can never go back to being just Anders. And this, people, is why you don’t fraternize with spirits. He’s obviously afraid of how justice is affecting him and there are some bare traces of his old personality and i guess he wouldn’t be as radical if he didn’t have justice personality that can’t stand the injustice. And in combination with anders quite selfish personality (form awakening, and i say that lovingly), it makes him do things that justice wouldn’t condone. Anders is literally a walking bomb.

Again, same problem as with fenris, i really thought that the justice glow would have a incredibly significant culmination, and it didn’t, it was just to show that anders and justice are very bitter. Eh, ok.

Also, i let anders join after he blew up the chantry, bc he started it, so might as well follow it through.

Some minor characters that i remember

Senechal Bran for the next Viscount! He hated hawke so much but still put up with him.

Feynriel is the coolest mage in Kirkwall. I think his missions were my favourite. Dude goes from “oh no i’m a mage” to “i will just dreamwalk to tevinter and learn control the reality” to “i dream-killed bad people from thousands of miles away”. Does he appear in the next game? I want him on my side. He’s so cool.

I think the Maker is sending Cullen signs to quit being a templar. First job: evil mages that tortured you. Instead of “this job will kill you” h took it as  a “never trusting mages again, got it”. Second job: your boss is evil possessed paranoid maniac. Man, talk about bad luck.

What is the story of the Lady Elegant?

Flemeth had that big great talk at the beginning of the game and i thought by the end of the game i’d realise what it meant, but nope, still no clue.

Ok so I defeated Corypheus, but there was this looong shot of Larius walking away. Corypheus possessed larius, didn’t he? He’s out there. In a madman’s body. I know he appears in inquisition.

Many thoughts

I gotta say, in Kirkwall, at least, it didn’t feel like much of a challenge to pick a side. Like, there was no mage who said “hey i actually really like it here in the circle, the templars aren’t so bad”, and having templars actually smuggling mages from the circle says a lot to say the least. Every time a mage talks to you, unless you go with “oh they’re 100% lying”, their stories invoke sympathy and of course you want to help them. And then in 99% cases they turn to blood magic bc there was no other way. Except that dude who always hanged out with the wrong people, he only did blood magic to save Carver. But yeah, that turning to blood magic was like having Fenris side-eye me with an unspoken “i told you so” bc every mage, whether in desperation or hunger for power, will turn sooner or later into a demon. Regardless, blood magic was always in the act of desperation and self-defense. The only times where magic was actually evil was the slavers and the serial killer, who is a madman.

When i was reading the Enigma of Kirkwall, there was a part that talks of a blood-mage conspiracy and i was all, oh shit, there is a reason why templars are mean to mages! maybe the conspirators are framing innocent mages on blood magic crimes that they actually commit, maybe Meredith is actually on trail of the conspirators, maybe there is a reason for animosity on both sides. After all, Kirkwall was known for having a bigger number of apostates, a bigger number of blood magic cases and far more ruthless templars. It added up.Thinking back now, i never even got any specific reason why meredith was so intensely anti-mage, other than going mad.

But yeah, no conspirators. Just sad mages and mean templars, and good templars that get screwed by desperate and mean mages.

While in Kirkwall it’s easy to be a pro-mage, i was thinking a lot about mage-rights in general so let me indulge myself: there are circles, but the mages aren’t oppressed. Rather, the circles would be educational centres and society in every larger city where one learns how to properly handle magic bc magic is dangerous. You can leave when you pass the final exam and also come back anytime to hang out with mages who decide to live there since the institution would support mages.

Also, when one gets possessed, i’d invest more into “walk into their head and free them of demons” specialists. It’d be cool if you could have a dreamer who does that bc no lyrium spent. Honestly, why don’t they ever do that? How did the keeper do that rite for Feynriel? Was it blood magic?

I guess, you’d still have to answer for your crimes, tho no death punishment and degradation allowed. Blood magic wouldn’t be punishable by death, but rather have specialists who study it, but practice with extreme caution and use of another person’s blood is strictly prohibited.

Templars would still exist but completely reformed. No more “mages are all potential disasters”, but i’d rather make it that mages can too be templars, since they both have abilities that prevents the others from casting magic. This way the control system would be much like the dalish: if the keeper(mage) is possessed, the clan (which means the non-mages and the first(mage)) need to kill them. You could argue that you don’t need templars as non-mages, since mages can do it too, but seeing that in general people fear magic and feel inferior to it (since there’s a collective memory of the great tevinter imperium), having non-magic specialists would make them feel like on equal ground. The extra-reformed templars would be under Circle, not under direct command of the chantry, and circle, depending of whether chantry is reformed, might or might not be under chantry.

(a side note, i was thinking about templars recently and i can’t recall an instance where it says who had the clever idea to chew lyrium first? i just wanna know)

I know that DA2 wasn’t about grey wardens and therefore not about darkspawn, but seeing as in legacy we get corypheus being... an evil version of the Architect(??), i was only wondering do we get more answers about the darkspawn? is there hope for them? is the Architect still alive?

And oh, to turn to the Anders question:

Is he a terrorist, or was that just activism? I mean, i don’t see why those two can’t go together. blasting a building with a symbolic significance killing and harming many innocent people to get a message of your radical activism across belongs into a schoolbook of terrorism. Does he have a good cause? He sure believes so, and i, too, agree that mages should not be oppressed for just being mages. But does that mean this is the right way to do it? Personally, i do not condone any act of violence in service of a political or religious cause. I know it’s sometimes inevitable, but i like to believe there are more diplomatic ways, or at least not including an attack on civilians.

That aside, the moment where anders goes in front and just announces that the church was gonna blow up in a minute was the best anders moment for me. Until that point i more or less just viewed his activism as a hobby since he just did it in his free time, but now he put his money where his mouth is and freaking went all out. Cool character moment. And incredibly heartwrenching. He was aware of how many innocents he killed, but just didn’t see other way to get the point across.

I still don’t agree with his idea of blowing up the church tho. Maybe if he told Hawke, they could have done something to empty the church previously and further people away from it and then blow it up?

But still, blowing up religious buildings isn’t the answer. If i was the radical mage activist, i would have gone for the open assassination. Seeing it worked in WW1, i don’t see why it couldn’t start a fantasy war.

Some random things i liked:

uniportant but lovable interractions in the house: it starts innocently with gamlen’s house, to see how you’re doing, and becomes really fun during act 2 when you see your friends have been here and left you things. In act 3, however, it feels melancholic. no more family to come back to, just ghosts of friends that have visited, Bodahn and Sandal being there for you, Orana still not getting some sunlight and your dog at the fireplace. The Hawke Family Suite is playing, and you feel older than you are, lonlier than you should be. just... ouch. I hope Bodahn adopted Orana and took her out of Kirkwall :(

t i named the dog “Maker” which is very funny to me bc every time i summon the dog i just imagine Hawke yelling “Maker help us”. Carver hates the name bc he needs to chase the dog often in the streets. Mama Hawke never ever calls the dog Maker, but she never has to call the dog anything: he’s super obedient towards her.

Fighting wasn’t as hard as in origins, i like that.

The haunted house mission was so cool.

When random people greet aveline in Hightown.

And that’s i think about it. There are probably plenty more things i loved, but i think this is already enough. if somebody told me i’d be playing so much this year, i’d laugh, but I already want to play the next game ;;___;;

So this was sent to me by @atiredpan weeks ago when the White Jon conversation was very live and I'm posting it (belatedly) with their blessing (they didn't want to put it up publicly and have it seem like an attack which I really very much appreciate but wouldn't have minded) and I percolated for a few days and then got very busy for a few weeks. Response follows.

So I feel weird about how I'm responding to this stuff, I'm launching rapidly into taking about/explaining my own experience in a way I'm worried maybe comes across as a direct comparison. It kind of feels like I'm talking in a way that's like brushing off your experience and saying OK BUT HERE'S WHY I'M RIGHT and that's not what I'm trying to do, it's just that there's not much I can usefully add to what you've said - you know your experience better than I do, and I'm not gonna go around trying to read into it or reexplain it. So I'm going to talk about where I am/have been coming from, but not with the intention of countering your points, all of which I think really resonate.

First off, the post where I was like "Jon is white and if you disagree you're Wrong" was, unreservedly, just a shitty post and I'm not suprised it upset a lot of people. I'm really very sorry about that, it was thoughtlessly written and pretty stupidly posted.

I totally get that my whiteness has fed into how I hced Jon (and as I think I've said before I saw Jon a certain way well before I engaged with any fanworks, just as you did). There's a lot of reasons I imagined Jon as white from pretty early on, a non-negligible one of which was like...That's Jonny. This is a podcast by Jonny, about a character with the same name and mannerisms as Jonny, and Jonny is extremely white. It would have felt weird, when I was listening to TMA as a Friend Podcast, to stick a brown face onto what at least appeared at the time to basically be a self-insert character of my white friend. Now that's a really personal thing informed less by the story and more by the circumstances under which I've interacted with it, but it certainly laid a baseline. I didn't really have a clear mental picture of Jon (or most of the characters) for a looooooong time (for an artist I'm really not a very visual thinker) but I had a few sort of mental sketches (Jon is short white balding and awkward, Martin is tall biracial and scruffy Basira is fat and somali Melanie is my friend from work etc) which I developed a long time before I encountered fanworks.

I saw the alienation you mentioned and I connected it to class and gender, not race, because I’ve met a lot of cis men, white and otherwise, who interpolate trauma, class insecurity, insecurity about their own abilities, and so on into withdrawal, denial and snappiness. So for me I had an interpretation of that element of his personality which was pretty much race-neutral, and then I had these existing cues leading me to assuming he was white (largely that Jonny is white, but also wee stuff in the story that...it’s not like anything substantial enough to remember, let alone justify, but there were certainly interactions that pinged whiteness for me personally)

There are actually iirc a few throwaway references to Jon being promoted above more qualified candidates throughout (or at least I thought I knew that before s5), but the time I decided I thought White Jon was an obvious conclusion was of course the conversation where Sasha expresses frustration about it. and the context of that conclusion (at least as far as I can see) wasn't "people of colour can only exist in subservient positions/defined by oppression" but was informed by two things that were going on with my life around the time that episode aired

I had been having several conversations with friends of mine (and largely friends of Jonny's) who work in London in the museums/archiving sector and who are the only women of colour in whole departments or even whole museums, and who experience so little career mobility compared to their less-qualified white counterparts (we're talking about women graduating top of their class at Oxbridge with anthropology or library science masters and stellar original research, with a decade or more of impeccable work experience and acting up, being left in internship and low-grade positions, while white men who "fit the culture" but have 0 museums experience sail into upper management positions and then stay there until they retire). So I'd come almost directly from these conversations into what to me sounded like exactly the same gripe in TMA.

I'd been at that point working for about a year and a half on co-coordinating the anti-oppression committee in my workplace, which was a very Good Progressive Activist Charity with Good Lefty Principles, and over the course of experience sharing and discussions both with colleagues of colour and along lines of wealth, disability, class etc, I was very much confronted with the realisation of how much 'being adequately qualified' meant different things for middle-class good-university white men vs much more highly skilled and hardworking women of colour or people of different class and wealth backgrounds. Obviously I'd known that before in principle, but not really having been in Salaried Workplaces (as opposed to like. service and retail hourlies) I hadn’t got so up close and personal with it. So that was also very fresh in my mind, this like...big substantial experience of how Good, Well-Meaning, Caring, Thoughtful, Woke white men just........did not need to think about this. at all. and were startled and discomforted to face it. and that this was also true of most white middle-class women. and these conversations were really carved down the middle between white middle-class European women saying ‘this is such a surprise when we have such an equitable hiring policy and diverse staff, that there’s this gender gap’ and women of colour in the room wearily saying ‘yeah, there’s a gender gap, there’s always a gender gap and it is always a racialised gender gap’ so yeah I was definitely thinking about the intersection between being passed over at work because of gender and because of race.

The point about Tim is interesting because I think for me what’s getting lost is that I don’t think Jon is entitled as like...a Character Trait. He’s not like...Toxic Masculinity Man. He is very anxious about boundaries and about his own capacity to do harm. But it has to be pointed out to him where he’s doing harm. He doesn’t notice where he’s been unfairly advantaged, and that’s to me much more reflective of most people’s relationship to white or male entitlement. 

As I say, that exchange with Tim and Sasha cemented the Jon Is White hc in my head specifically because it was so reflective of conversations I had had with women of colour working in similar workplaces, about white men, usually about white men they generally liked or at least didn’t have beef with beyond their unfair advantages. 

It seems odd to me to frame ‘bitching about your boss on your friend’s behalf to make her feel better’ as more similar to white entitlement/white privilege than any of that tbh? That’s just...being friends with someone? 

Anyway I recognise that it’s not white entitlement to accept a job. Obviously it’s not, it’s just sensible under the circumstances, you get lucky and you grab it. For me my sense of Jon as white-because-of-this is not “he took a job he shouldn’t have taken,” it’s more about his obliviousness to the impact he has on others, and also primarily how people react to him. The interaction between Sasha and Tim is saturated with the of course it would be him I mentioned above, but even before that he walks through the world not expecting to have to think about anything but his conscious decisions, and he’s caught aback when people see him as out of place or as having power above his station.

I think it’s impossible to extricate ‘this is where my head was at’ from that interpretation, and also like obviously my own whiteness is a big factor. And not just my own personal whiteness but the place I grew up (which was 98.3% white) and the world which reflects back whiteness. So this is in no way intended as a bolshy This Is The Correct Headcanon the way my Bad Post was bc examining it I’m like...yeah I mean this is about how I personally interpreted this based on where I was at at the time. But I do feel like there’s some communication gap in what it is about this unqualified promotion thing that pinged me - it’s not that All Bosses Must Be White And All Brown People Must Be Downtrod, it’s something quite specific about the tone and tenor of the interactions around the getting-a-job.

But also? Idk. Kind of unrelatedly, and people obviously should feel free to disagree with me on this, it feels kind of off to frame this as defaulting to a white Jon? I sort of think that my idea of Jon as white is very much not ‘white until proven otherwise’ - part of the reason for my original strident tone was that I felt that I was being expected to drop a headcanon I had for specific reasons and default to the fanon version of Jon without actually having any reason other than ‘this is how the community thinks he should look,’ and without really understanding anything about what that means, and while obviously defaulting to a non-white headcanon isn’t like...entrenched in the way that defaulting to a white headcanon is, it does seem to me like this is perhaps part of why white fans slap brown skin onto a character without thinking into what that means or why they’re doing it.

The thing I’m struggling with as regards my personal headcanon here is that I could decide to only ever draw Jon as Fanon Jon, but it wouldn’t be because I had strong reasons to see him that way, it wouldn’t be the same as why you see Jon as brown, or why I see like...Melanie as Indian, it would literally be Default To Standard in a way it isn’t for you. And I don’t feel that I have Defaulted To Whiteness, or where I have it is for reasons specifically to do with Jon (I visualised Jon as white because I visualised him as Jonny, who is white), not because I think every character is White Until Proven Otherwise. Like, my reasons for understanding Jon as white may be bad reasons, but they are reasons, not post-hoc excuses (I can’t like...prove that. but I know it to be true at least on a conscious level). I didn’t go Oh Jon Is White Because Everyone Is Unless I Have Reason To Think They Aren’t, Hooray, Here Is A Post-Hoc Justification For Why It Isn’t Racist To Think That. So while I am totally on board with the idea that it may be shitty, harmful or poorly thought through to hc Jon as white, I’m not sure I can fully see it in myself as being default. But I do understand that that isn’t necessarily what came across in my original short post.

Honestly, the reason I took issue with Fanon Jon and Fanon Martin in such a bolshy way in the first place was that I didn’t get why these characters were universally seen as Asian and white, respectively, and had such strong and consistent fanon images, when none of the other characters did, and when I was seeing people drawing people like Sasha and Melanie and Tim as white way more when in my mind there was no reason to assume they were white. On an emotional level I guess I think either there’s Fanon As Lore, or there’s no fanon (and I prefer the latter) and my discomfort came from the place that the one character I absolutely saw as coded as white in the core cast had this one really specific Ambiguously Brown Fanon Look (which from what I’d seen at the time didn’t seem to be like...backed with anything or coming from any personal interpretation for most of the white fans I was seeing on like Twitter and Tumblr) but white headcanons are everywhere for characters like Melanie or Sasha or Georgie, who seemed to me to be unambiguously people of colour, or characters like Tim or Martin (who could perfectly reasonably be people of colour and who I hc as Rroma and biracial respectively)? I don’t know, it’s difficult to express, but I find it frustrating.

Survey #445

“you’ve got a lot of nerve, but not a lot of spine”

Have you ever created a fake internet persona for yourself? No. Do you enjoy going to weddings or showers? What is it that you like or dislike about them? Not... really. They're triggering for me. And I don't use "trigger" lightly. They legitimately, deeply affect me. It's part of the reason I've lost a lot of interest in being a wedding photographer. Is there a person in your life whom you support by showing up for the sports games, concerts, or other performances? This question, uh... sucks. Because I'm that awful aunt that doesn't go to her nephew's t-ball games while everyone else does. It's the heat that does it, but still... it shouldn't. How many video games do you have? A lot. We have a big case of them. Why did you take the last pill you took? My heartburn is especially awful today. Has a girl ever stayed up with you all night? A guy? A girl, uhhh... maybe? Idk. A guy, yeah. Do you think guys look good with makeup? Hell yeah. How long would you wait to become sexually active with someone you’re dating? That would just depend on how quickly we deeply bond in a relationship. I wouldn't go that far before I knew I was in love with them, though, so it definitely wouldn't be quick. Do you enjoy a good debate or prefer keeping the peace? klasd;jkla;jfklwdj I HATE confrontation, so I strongly prefer to keep that peace. Debates rarely ever stay civil, anyway. Can you ever see yourself and your ex back together? One, easily. The other... I wish. But it won't ever happen because I fucked that relationship up way too much. Are you thinking about anything that’s upsetting right now? Yeah. My PTSD is being really bothersome. Would you ever want to ride in a canoe? Yeah, sounds fun and peaceful. So long as I'm not rowing, ha ha. When did you last see an attractive member of your preferred sex? Did you speak to them? Do you think you’ll see them again? Two days ago. Yeah, 'cuz he was my personal trainer. I don't plan on quitting the gym, so I'll probably see him around there now and again. Have you ever tasted baby food? How about pet food? Save for when I was a baby, obviously, no. I once tried a guinea pig yogurt treat, ha ha. How many times have you had your heart broken? Once romantically, twice overall. Actually, no, four. Quite a jump, I know, but Teddy and Jason's mom both dying was nothing short of heartbreaking. Think of the person you fell hardest for. How many people has he/she been in love with, besides you? One, before me. I don't know about since. Find 5 people on your Facebook friends list, whose names begin with K. Who are these people, and how did you meet them? Katherine: an online friend. We met on YouTube. Kim: she's my stepmom. I met her through my dad, obviously. Kelly: a high school friend. We met in art class. Katelynn: was Jason's old friend's former girlfriend. We met through said friend when we all hung out together. Kieley: she's the wife of who I call my "big bro," a close gaming friend. We met through Sam, the aforementioned friend. Sometimes do you wish you lived in a fantasy world? Yeah, who doesn't? What would you say if the ex who hurt you the most told you they hated you? "I don't blame you" or something to that effect. Have any of your friends dated an ex/previous crush of yours? I don't think it's accurate to call her my "friend," but Jason's first girlfriend and I are friends on Facebook. I'd love to get to know her better and actually be *real* friends. One word to describe the last person you kissed? Strong. Has anyone ever cheated on their boyfriend/girlfriend with you? You could say that. Does your hair have layers? No, not anymore. Who was the last person you cried in front of? My mom. Have you done something recently that helped someone else, in any way? I don't know. Which Disney princess do you think is the most beautiful? Why? Probably Jasmine. I just think she's really pretty. If you’ve had a bad experience in a past relationship, did you find that you were scared to get into another relationship, in case the same thing happened again? I'm terrified to this day to start new romantic relationships. I had so many panic attacks about losing Sara when we first started dating. If you were going to buy a present for the person you love/like, what would you generally choose? Absolutely something Frieza-related. If you met the celebrity that you most admire, what would be the first thing you’d say to him/her? Probably just "oh my god, thank you" and start crying lmao. Is there something you generally always ask for help with? I'm sure there's something, yeah. When was the last time you cried? Today. Do you like sausage? Yep. Ever held a newborn animal? Kittens, yes. Do you know anyone with a dual citizenship? Uhhhh maybe? Have you been called a bad influence? Yeah. Like she had ANY room to talk. Do you get stage fright? Yes. Would you be excited or annoyed if your favorite book was being made into a movie? Both of my favorite books are also movies, and they're wonderful. Do you need structure in your life or do you prefer to just go with the flow? I require structure, for sure. Without it, my anxiety goes rampant. Change is something I do not cope with well. Post a picture of you from one year ago. No. Have you ever written a fan letter? If so, who was it to and did you receive a response? No. What trait(s) would you not want your children to inherit from you? My mental illnesses, primarily depression. I have A LOT of reasons for not wanting kids, and my poor genetic makeup is even one of them. I don't want to pass on all the shit I deal with. What is the worst place you’ve woken up? Waking up in a shitty bed at the ER while waiting to be transferred was never one of my favorite things... Are you the type of person who has to study to make good grades or does it just come naturally to you? Aha... I was lucky in that once I heard something in school, it had a tendency to stick. I didn't need to study very much at all - usually. When on YouTube, what types of videos do you mainly watch? Mostly let's plays. What was the last conversation you had with someone about? Sara and I were kinda fangirling over how cute Maieykio and Rumours are, ha ha. Do you have any currency that’s not your native country’s? No. Can you describe your father in one word? Complex. Do you still watch movies intended for children? Yeah. Hell, I probably tend to prefer them. Who is your favorite stand-up comedian? That's living, probably Gabriel Iglesias. What is your strangest phobia? Probably whale sharks. Which part of your state/province do you live in [upper,lower,middle]? I live on the eastern side. Who in your life can you count on the most? My mama. Would you rather eat your pizza cold or hot? It depends on what I'm up for. Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? No, I'm not a fan. Last thing you drank? Pink lemonade. Have you ever thought you were going to marry someone? Sure did. The belief was clearly mutual. But I ruined that. Who are your favorite people to talk to when you’re down? Sara or my mom. Have you ever thought you liked someone, and then found out that you really didn’t? See: Girt. Describe the last dream you had that you can remember. It was actually... really fucked up, so the squeamish beware. I don't remember the details, just the shocking part: a little bird flew into me, and I thought it was a bug, so I crushed it in my hand. Heard and felt the bones break and it was just... ugh. It's nauseating to recall. I'm sick and tired of dreaming of only awful things. Any current family issues? Not any big ones that include everyone. The only "issue" that really exists in my family is how my mom feels like Ashley (my older sister) avoids her, and therefore Mom doesn't see the kids nearly as much as she wants. She feels very overlooked. Whose room of the opposite sex were you in last? When? Uhhh, probably my nephew's? Sometime when I visited my sister's house, idk. The last movie you watched with a friend? Elf, I think. Have you ever played with fire? Uh no, because I'm not keen on being burned. What industry do you want to be a part of when you’re older? Art, in some form. Who do you usually text the most? Since Sara and I started chatting mainly on Discord, definitely my mom. Have you ever been surprised with breakfast in bed? No. Llamas or sheep? Sheep. Have you ever seen anyone famous in the street? No. When do you plan on moving out? Whenever I'm in a long-term, stable, happy, and healthy relationship. I really don't at all think it would be healthy for me to live on my own. What’re you going to be for Halloween? I'd actually love to dress up this year seeing as I've really been feeling the holidays, but the money to like... make a recognizable costume isn't really with us. So I'll ust answer as if I had it, in which case it would be a handmaid from The Handmaid's Tale, but with fake blood splattered over my stomach region. Will you buy a cake for your next birthday? We always do for b-days. Do you like brownies? BITCH I love brownies. Have you ever dressed up as a witch on Halloween? Yeah, as a kiddo. Have you ever been to a masquerade? No. Do any girls like the last guy you kissed? Maybe, I don't know. Do you have a second mom? I have a stepmom, if that's what you mean. When a bee is coming close to you, do you stand still or run away? Ngl, I gtfo. Do you ever hang out with someone of the opposite sex? I haven't hung out with Girt in around a year. Really need to change that. When you go out to eat, what sides do your order with your food? Fries. What is your winter coat like? ... I actually don't know if I have one? Did you do well at fitness testing in grade school? I did fine. Are art museums interesting or boring to you? Interesting. Inspiring, even. Do you know how to use an ATM? ... No. :x How about write a check? uhhhhhhhhhhh... Are you Italian? Not to my knowledge, no. We don't know my dad's heritage. When was the last time you talked to one of your siblings? I commented on one of my sister's Facebook posts earlier. Are you interested in photography at all? Very much so. Do you own an acoustic guitar? I don't believe so? Ashley had one when she was waaaay younger, but I haven't seen it in forever. I think Dad might have it. Can you talk to your parents about anything without them judging or bickering at you? Because you said "bickering," no. Mom knows how to pick fights on a lot of things... Who was the last person you took pictures with? My sister when she came to visit a few months ago. What is the wallpaper on your best friend's cell phone? I'd be willing to bet it's either her and Jem or Frieza. Do you melt butter to put on your popcorn? No. We get the movie theater butter kind. Do you consider flirting cheating? Sure do. Have you ever been on probation? No. What is normally on your Christmas list (if you celebrate it)? A tattoo and meerkat stuff. Do you like KoRn? They're one of my favorites! When you were little, did you pick up worms? Do you pick worms up now? Ha, I did. I would sometimes dig just to look for them, especially if I knew Dad was going to take me fishing later that day. I don't like touching worms nowadays. Would you ever go see a stand-up comedian? Yeah, I think it would be fun. Do you have any best friends that you only know online? BEST friends, not current ones, anyway. I've met my current best friend. Have you ever gotten into a physical fight? Nope. Do you have a problem with swearing? No. What do you do when you see a spider? My reactions vary. If it's a tiny little thing, I tend to ignore it. In most cases, admittedly, I get my mom to come kill it. :x I really, really want to get on a level where I can just cup the spider and take it outside. I want a few types of spiders one day (tarantulas, jumping, and velvet), after all, so I really should get used to interacting with them. I know in my gut they're nowhere near as dangerous and scary as your head makes them seem, but it's so instilled in you (most "you"s, anyway) from a young age to stay away from spiders, so it's fighting almost like instinct. Do you have big dreams? Meh... When is your father’s birthday? Sometime in April. The 16th, I think? Maybe. Are you interested in anime? Yeah. They can have some great stories. Do you eat three meals a day? Most days. Are you part German? German and Irish make up most of my heritage, yes. Do you dream of being a porn star? Uh, I can confidently say no. Have you ever been on a farm? I have. What is your favorite type of muffin? Blueberry, I think. I like the moisture it adds to the muffin. What is the last type of salad that you ate? Just your normal one with iceberg lettuce and ranch. What do you usually put on your waffles? A layer of peanut butter and then some syrup. You NEED to try it. Would you rather have a cottage on the beach or in a forest? A forest! Name all the people that you talked to today. Online, through texts and in person. Mom and Misty are all, I think. Do you know a schizophrenic person? My half-sister. Did you ever watch Sailor Moon? If so, who is your favorite? I did. I don't think I had a favorite character. Name the last 3 people you kissed and list one nice thing about each one. Sara: she's very loyal. Girt: he's funny as hell. Tyler: he, uh, cares a lot, I guess? When was the last time you felt EXTREMELY depressed? Why is that? Yesterday, actually. I was passively suicidal just over... a lot of things. Would you ever dye your hair pink? I want pastel pink hair anyway.

1) The thing about Scorp and Al having PTSD was 👌 This might just be me, but I also like thinking of how it affected family. Like for Albus, I imagine James would feel so ashamed cuz he's the oldest so he "has to take care of his siblings" and Albus ended up hurt cuz James didn't do his 'job', so he would recede into himself as a kind of punishment for letting Al get hurt. Meanwhile Lily gets physically overprotective and defensive of Albus.

2) They think they weren't "the best" siblings and figure they should've been able to do more. "We never helped Albus out with bullies or with dad". But while Lily would throw herself into trying harder, James would straight up "I lost my chance cuz I'm crap" and spiral into trying to punish himself. Idk why my head goes there tbh.

I think that’s exactly the path James goes down in his head. He comes across as more confident and put together, but I don’t believe he’s totally a ‘what you see is what you get’ kind of character. I think underneath all that bravado he’s just as unsure of himself as Albus. He simply deals with it in a different way. He’ll act like he has the answers but really he’s just doing the best he can. That’s his Gryffindor bravery. But when this all happens and he’s hit with the uncomfortable truth it wasn’t enough? Oh it really hurts.

The thing about Albus and James is that they are two different types of people at the same stage in their lives where they’re so focused on figuring themselves out and how they fit into the world, that it’s all too easy to lose sight of each other. Especially with someone like Albus, who’s self imposed isolation after his sorting screams that he doesn’t want or even need James anymore. Although I do believe James sees through that. I just think he was simply at a loss as to how to deal with this Albus. (That he does have in common with his dad.) So learning that something has happened to him probably doesn’t surprise him, but it’ll shake him to his core.

One of the last interactions we see between them on stage is James boldly waltzing into Albus’s bedroom and showing off his pink hair and teasing him about having the invisibility cloak. It’s very James. He’s annoyingly happy and blatantly trying to get a rise out of Albus. His goal isn’t to necessarily upset him, it’s to bait him into any reaction because something is better than nothing and this usually works. Plus the two of them arguing over a toy or attention? That’s familiar ground. He can navigate that. But Albus barely acknowledges him. I always imagine James goes back to his room then and privately lets his mood stop matching his hair colour. I dread to think what goes through his head when he hears the shouting start though... but that’s for another post.

I think the worst part for James was the not knowing. Albus is missing and his parents and teachers alike are probably keeping him in the dark for fear he’ll do something equally as stupid to save his brother. And they’re not wrong. We don’t see James coming to Albus’s rescue with the bullies but then we don’t exactly get to see a lot of his school experience. James wouldn’t share classes with Albus but he shares the corridors between lessons, the Great Hall during meal times, and everything else in between. Students don’t just live in their common rooms and classrooms. I refuse to believe James didn’t step in when he could. But I can also see him holding back at Albus’s glares telling him not to intervene. It’s a delicate game James knows he’s getting wrong and I also bet he’s the kind of kid who lies in his letters home because he’s embarrassed he can’t mend the ties quicker than his brother is severing them. His energy should be spent defending him, not fighting him. He knows that. But his brother’s defensive shield isn’t one he’s used to being permanently on the outside of.

Albus’s eventual return brings relief to them all. But it’s also when the guilt, which has been slowly seeping in over the years, will fully take root in James as now he’s got to face Albus. Because no matter what anyone says, as the eldest it is his job to protect him and he failed. You’ll never convince him otherwise. And not just with Delphi, but everything that happened before that. Maybe none of this would have even happened if James had been able to reach him like he used to. I’m sure he does beat himself up about it, there’s so many ‘what ifs’, but his need to fix things is going to pull him out of that spiral pretty quickly. He let him down once, he won’t do it again. Albus is the wallower of the family. He’s the one who will drown himself in self pity. Whereas James is going to internalise then do something about it, and unpack it all later on. His focus right now is Albus and Albus needs his big brother at 100%. And that’s what he’s going to get. All he ever needed was a chance.

Albus will recognise his efforts this time for what they are and even though I’m sure it’s overbearing at times, he won’t push him away again. I don’t think it occurred to him what this was doing to James and Lily and when Albus is confronted with that he’s ashamed. He loves his siblings and he can’t imagine losing one of them, and he feels terrible for having put them through that. Like I said in my last post, Albus doesn’t always see the bigger picture. He’s intelligent but his big heart sometimes blinds him from connecting all the dots. But I like to think the two brothers come to an understanding though. They don’t blame themselves or each other, just promise to do better from now on. It’s not an instant fix. Rebuilding their relationship takes time. Albus will endure the occasional Sunday breakfast with his brother (at the Slytherin table) and terrifyingly, James will even befriend Scorpius. They both want nothing but the best for him so they’re exactly the kind of energy he should be surrounded by. He even lets them drag him to Hogsmeade. (The first round of butterbeers are on him, apparently.) It takes him a while to realise that allowing himself to accept this support has made school, and life, more manageable. Scorpius is everything to him but his family was his missing piece. Now he’s whole again he’ll thrive. Slowly, but surely. Yet I don’t think they become really close again until after they’ve both left Hogwarts. But they definitely do get there. The teasing, the heart to hearts, the unconditional love and support. They’re too important to each other for them to give up. They come back closer and stronger than ever before.

But it’s not just them. Lily is also part of this equation. I think Albus’s relationship with her is very different from his relationship with James. Albus gets frustrated being the little brother but he takes on his role of big brother wholeheartedly. He absolutely adores Lily. I won’t go into this now but I think her being sorted into Gryffindor affects him way more than he lets on. Because if there’s one person he’ll hide his feelings from to protect, it’s her. If anything, I bet he felt even worse because he felt disappointed. Especially since she was so excited. But anyway. She’s so young when all of this happens that it wouldn’t surprise me if her initial reaction is to just fiercely hold onto both her brothers. Quite literally. But I don’t think she’ll feel the need to spend more time with him at school because I don’t believe Albus was ever capable of completely shunning her in the first place. James was easy to push back because he’s already insecure, but Lily is very sure of herself. She knows Albus loves her and that he knows she loves him. So whether he liked it or not, she was already checking in with him on a fairly regular basis. He’d get quick side hugs in passing and he was her go-to for potions help. That kind of thing. The only difference now is that sometimes James has beaten her to it. Or Albus is the one who comes to find her. It’s a welcome change for all of them.

So, okay, finally finished what I’ve been working on. In case you’d like to know what it was, it’ll be shown in this post, though for now, here’s a summary and a cut because this’ll be long, and have some images too.

In short: I have picked a few possible faces that I might pick as (real life-) Faceclaims for my muses. Not that I intend to use them much or at all, but I thought it’d be nice to at least for once try and see which faces I would be picking if I were interested in doing so.

I would appreciate hearing other’s thoughts on the matter, though if you don’t want to, that’s okay too of course.

Once more - this post is long, and has a batch of images.

Like said before the cut - this whole thing is not about anything that’ll be a prominent thing on my blogs. I did this mostly for the sake of being able to compare it better, and thought it’d be nice to share it and maybe even get some other opinions.

I’m not gonna name the faces I picked, because I don’t need it to show up in any search and I also don’t see a need for it. If you want to say something to a specific one, you can always go by the order that they’re appearing in this post or, like, describe something of the pose or the picture or whatever. (Example of the first option here, like, ‘I like Starfire #1′ or the likes.)

These edits are not done that well, some at parts a little better or worse than others. I just did them because I was hoping to be able to decide better when the colors actually fit. After each pic, I will list some of my thoughts, probably some pros and cons of the face, that I see, too.

Okay, with that said, on we go!

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First off:

Starfire!

I actually had a lot of difficulty to find anyone for her that I’d even consider, more so than for most others. Maybe I’m just feeling too attached to her, but I think I’m just in general having a biiiiiiig difficulty to attach animated/drawn characters to people.

#1

I did this one a little earlier than when I actually looked through databases for FCs - she here was my choice because on some other pics she has a really wide smile, which is like mandatory for Starfire to have. I didn’t find a good enough pic of her with her smile though, so I took this one and made it instead, and, idk.

+ wide smile + eyes are not too small-ish

- feels kinda too old for my liking? - not that long hair - I think I checked where she appears in and there’s no appearance, look-wise, anywhere that I could use

#2

Two pics here, glued together so it doesn’t take up too much space, and as you can see I’m not all too constant with colors. And with one of those I actually recolored the dress and her necklace to, to more Starfire-y colors, but yes, you can see that.

+ princess-y attire + better hair-length

- I think where these pics are from is an older thing so the quality probably is bad - I don’t really like her smile all that much if I’m honest

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While the next two still are Starfire, they are also Blackfire (you’ll see), so I’m gonna call the next part:

Starfire & Blackfire!

So, if you know the cartoon, you know that in there, Blackfire is basically a recoloring of Starfire. With those next two, I tried just that too, just, with different pictures of the actress.

#1

Saw her in something I started to watch, and thought she might work for Starfire. And since I felt that she could work that way too, I did a Blackfire-version too.

+ She’s black, which I know many people feel like is a must for an actress for Starfire, or probably any tamaranean. For me personally, though, that doesn’t really matter, I’d recolor whoever I pick into orange skin anyway. + She can at least kinda fit for both parts, as you can see

- I might end up connecting her to that thing I started watching too much, I tend to do that and it’ll be hard to really feel her as my muses then - dark/black hair is a hassle to recolor into something even faintly as bright red as I’d need it for Starfire

#2

I knew her name still from FC ideas, or fancasts or however it’s called, that people did a longer time ago. I looked her up, and picked some pictures to use.

+ eyes nicely big-enough + expressive face + the hair is long enough to work + the pic I did for Blackfire totally - yes, simply because of it being done in/surroundedby nature - reminds me of the Poison Ivy I once did stuff with both on Starfire and Blackfire, I miss those interactions (or the mun/muse) a lot and just absolutely love that the pic feels like a little like a hinted remembrance for those

- She is, or was, a pretty common pick for stuff in general I think? - I don’t think I found a specific appearance of hers that could work well for my purposes

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And that’s done too. Now, which you can probably expect to come next:

Blackfire!

#1

Found her only through a database, just like with Starfire #2 and probably most that are still going to follow, and I felt like her features worked kinda at least.

+ Features (face, eyes etc) kinda work for Blackfire + She’s black, for the reason for this being a + see above

- she’s a model; meaning I can’t exactly pick a movie or w/e and have the same looks in all scenes of those to use - dark/black hair, like said, is a hassle to recolor properly as you can see

#2

This was a name I found on someone’s fancasts, and I looked through the appearances of the actress to find sometihng that could work. And I only just now realize that on the right pic, I made the hair too blue-ish, but oh well.

+ Her face and eyes kinda work + the clothes (at least in those two pics) are things I could see Blackfire at least accept wearing

- black hair - the eyes are a little small - the medium this appearance is from is old I think, which means bad quality of pics

#3

I think she’s from a rather well known thing, but I myself don’t know about that so at least I don’t have the problem of associating her to that role.

+ Face and eyes work, at least in these two pics + Clothes work for Blackfire + Her hair is more ‘sleek’ than some of the others in the pics I found, meaning not as many sticking-out hairs to recolor

- In some pics of her I could absolutely not see Blackfire, so I guess it depends a lot on the pose or expression which might mean she’s not that good a fit after all - Comes from a rather well-known thing so even if I myself don’t connect her to it, many others might and I know that when I feel like that I can’t enjoy the FC as much

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To finish with the royal siblings, next comes:

Wildfire!

Okay, before I get to the pics, lemme just say that oh boy. I seem to have a very mixed idea for him, or maybe that came to be from how I tried to not take someone too old-ish for when Ry’s supposed to be younger than Starfire and Blackfire. Well, you’ll see what I mean - on we go.

#1

I had the idea of this guy saved for a while already before actually looking for FCs, mostly because the hair just fits pretty well and at that time I looked more for that than an actual face I could accept.

+ the hairstyle fits well + the face is kinda ‘long-ish’ which I feel would be a good thing for Wildfire

- I don’t like his face that much, at least not for Wildfire - He doesn’t quite ‘feel’ right

#2

Something very different from the one above, as you probably noticed. This is one of 3 somewhat younger ones I picked, because like said earlier he kinda should be a bit younger than Starfire and Blackfire.

+ hair is okay-ish + medieval-ish attire probably could work well for mimicking Wildfire’s usual clothing

- He’s only in an episode or so playing this role, I think the role has like 3 different actors or so over the time whenever he appears as young - This is one of like two or so pics in total I found of his appearing and idk, on both he doesn’t quite feel right, a little too ‘stiff’ or ‘serious’ idk (though I guess Wildfire is that too at times, idk it’s just hard to explain)

#3

Another one of the younger-ish picks.

+ I like the hair + I think I’m good with his face

- idk how big or small his appearance here is - picture search for the actor’s name is kinda confusing me because on some I think ‘yeah he’s a good fit’ but on some I think ‘what? how could I pick that, no’

#4

Yes yes, I know, those are many, and I’m sorry. I just couldn’t quite decide and made a few. Besides, it isn’t really that much more than for Starfire or Blackfire when you count those that I did both with too.

+ face can work I think + looks younger

- the hair isn’t quite as long-ish as I’d like it for Wildfire - I don’t think I could find any appearance of him in shows etc that I really could use, look-wise

#5

And the last one for him.

+ face is ‘long-ish’, which I kinda feel helps + I like his face better than #1

- the first pic looks like he’s a good fit, but on the one on the right it doesn’t quite feel that much like a fit - I’m not sure if he’s from too known stuff as well

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Next up:

Starlight!

#1

This is not really meant as honest consideration, she is feeling too old for what I’d like to see in Starlight - but I had to do an edit of this pic because this kind of blue is totally what Starlight will love to wear eventually (always with other colors too but, yeah) and so I think this one could actually work for a older-ish Starlight, like teenage or something a little further than that

(Also I just need to say that this is probably the best likeness to how I actually imagine Starlight’s hair that I managed to create)

+ hair was nice to recolor + I like her face

- (feeling) too old for how Starlight is at the moment - I think she too comes from a well-known thing

#2

Please ignore how much I failed at the hair here.

+ the face kinda works + she already has a colorful streak or two in her hair, which could be useful

- from an old thing I think - I’m not sure if I’m completely happy with her face-features

#3

While I do know the show she’s from, it’s luckily been too long since I watched it for me to actually feel her that connected to the role there. Also obviously I did her hair too rainbow-y here, but, yeah, it does well enough for the idea.

+ I like her face + I’m pretty sure she wears some really nice colorful things throughout the show, and even changes style eventually which means a nice variation

- From a well-known thing - I think by now she is a singer of sorts so maybe too many can’t quite connect her to something else

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Okay, since I didn’t do Galfore (honestly I don’t think I could ever find someone fitting even only somewhat), there’s only one left, so you can probably guess who comes now:

Moonshot!

It was a little surprising that I had a rather quick time at finding possibilities for him, and while I’m not 100% sold on either of them, I feel like it was the easiest for him out of all my muses.

#1

I’m running out of things to say to each pic before doing the pro and contra thing.

+ ‘square-y’ face in the way I feel I’d need it + ‘small’ eyes, as in narrowed a bit

- the hair isn’t quite perfect since Moonshot has a bit longer of a hair and more... more messy - I don’t like his face in some of the pics a picture-search gives me

#2

And another one.

+ face and eyes again fit to what I’d be looking for + a good amount of the pics of a picture-search actually are ones I can see working

- I think he’s from something well-known again - and again the hair with the same reasoning as above, but tbh I don’t think I even can find anyone completely fitting anyway

#3

I feel like the options I have for Moonshot are all rather similar. Oh well. I mean, that’s kinda the point, right?

+ face works I think + many pics of the result are ones I can see work

- comes from a rather popular thing as far as I can tell - in some angles, or maybe simply at another time of the actor’s life idk, the face doesn’t look that fitting anymore

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And that’s it! I kinda doubt anyone actually looks as far as here, though if you do, thank you!

I’d appreciate hearing opinions, if you can see any of them work or not and maybe why. You could even name me other options if you want to.

What's your top 10 all-time favourite korean dramas? :)

I don’t know what it is about “top 10″ that makes it so difficult. Top 20 would be easier. Top 5 would also be easier. Trying to figure out the order that these went in caused me more anxiety than I feel they should have, lol. My top 10 shuffles about 3 times a year, but usually consists of the same basic titles. Please keep in mind, that my “favorite” dramas of all time and the dramas I think are objectively the “best” I’ve seen have some overlap but are not necessarily the same thing.

As of September the 5th 2019 at...*looks at watch* 5:21pm in ascending order my top 10 dramas are:

10. Queen In Hyun’s Man

This is probably the single drama I’ve rewatched the most. It’s also a killer gateway drug if you’re looking to start a friend on dramas. The 45 minute episodes make it extra binge-able. There a few plot missteps and the historical plot isn’t always the most engaging aspect of the drama. However, this time-travel romance hinges a very cute central couple and a hyper-competent male lead who is very easy to root for. It also has, IMO, one of the all time great finales in Kdramas. A rare commodity.

9. Go Back Couple

I have a certain weakness for stories about estranged couples falling back in love, and this drama (which is a fairly recent entrant into the top 10) does it better than most. I think it’s the way it takes two mature characters with a lot of--often painful--history together and puts them back in a time when a few choices could have made them into very different people. I think more than anything the themes of forgiveness, self-acceptance and maturity are what made this drama truly exceptional. Also, if a drama manages to make me both ugly cry on more than one occasion as well as burst into fits of hysterical laughter I feel like it’s bested me and my stony heart and that should be acknowledged. Well played, show.

8. Coffee Prince

There’s a reason that virtually all cross-dressing romances get compared (usually unfavorably) to Coffee Prince. This drama does practically everything right from giving us a female lead who could be plausibly taken for a male to addressing questions sexuality in a (for that time and even now) daring and revolutionary manner, it’s just an exceptional show and incredibly well and thoughtfully written. The only reason that it isn’t higher on the list is because I personally don’t really care for much of the secondary couple’s arc.

7. Secret Love Affair

This drama may be divisive largely because of the themes of adultery and, for certain folks, the age gap between the leads. I don’t blame anyone for not enjoying those themes, or if they felt the drama was somewhat slow or austere. For me this is nearly a pitch perfect handling of the subject matter with a cinematic quality and intensity that is hard to find in any television, nonetheless Kdramas. The last 3-4 slots on this list tend to rotate quite a bit. For the time being piano-sex-drama wins it’s place.

6. School 2013

The fact that this drama has remained one of my uncontested favorites through the years, despite my growing aversion to high school dramas says something. It goes beyond Lee Jong Suk and Kim Woo Bin’s thugs-in-love. I cared about virtually every member of this cast, the adults and the kids. The drama just has a lot of heart, and doesn’t shy away from difficult subject matter. And yes, it’s very very gay.

5. Scarlet Heart Ryeo

There was a time when I was too self-conscious to put this drama in my top 10, and I’ve realized since then that that’s silly. Yeah, it’s super tragic. Yes, it’s even problematic is some regards. But no drama that has occupied so many of my thoughts, so many words of fan fiction, so many tears, so many meta posts and girlish meltdowns when the leads so much as talk to each other even 3 years on should rank any lower than my top five. I am and probably always will be emotionally compromised SHR trash.

4. The Master's Sun

Of my flawed favorites, this one might be one of the cheesiest and most flawed. But I just love ghosts and love stories with ghosts in them. I love silly cheesy Kdrama romcoms that turn into angsty melos half way through. Gong Hyo Jin and So Ji Sub could have sold this show to me on comedy and chemistry alone. They are OTP goals. Even if the drama is about one episode too long and there’s a bunch of stuff about the fantasy that doesn’t make any sense, I’m not even sorry. I love this damn show.

3. Reply 1988

This drama basically singlehandedly set off all my love for Korean 80′s nostalgia, slice-of-life dramas, and a whole slew of actors I will follow until I die. I’ve recently rewatched this, and even though I loved it when I first watched it I love, and furthermore respect the writing in this drama even more now. It’s just so exceptional in so many aspects. I think the biggest part being the character development and the subtlety and care that went into every single one of the character relationships that grew throughout the show. More than being romantic, it’s just such a good show about family.

2. Hello Monster

Pretty much from the first time I watched it, which was as it was airing, until this last year Hello Monster aka I Remember You was my undisputed favorite drama. It includes so many of my favorite elements. It’s a really compelling murder mystery, it boasts a whole bunch of my favorite actors giving incredible performances, it executed admirably on themes of abuse and trauma and psychopathy. The only thing that has ever really come close to pushing the same types of buttons is The Smile Has Left Your Eyes also starring Seo In Guk. But...Idk, I’m much more aware of it’s flaws now that I’ve watched thousands more episodes of dramas and seen it like 3+ times, but I still love it to death. Hehe

1. My Mister

I’ve written a review and several pieces of meta about My Mister already. So I’d direct you to check out those reviews if you’re interested in why exactly this drama is so good. I don’t want to belabor the point I’ve already made better elsewhere. But I will say, I had no expectations for this drama going in and I was surprised as hell that it grabbed me the way it did. Surprised and grateful. This drama is about as close to perfect as you’re likely to find. It delivers on every element of story, and I cannot recommend it highly enough. The biggest tragedy right now is that DramaFever no longer exists, because thinking about this list I want to watch it again right this moment. [UPDATE from 2020: it’s on Viki and Netflix now! Happy watching!]

What are your top 10 favorite dramas? I’d love to hear them. Plus always looking for good recs. I hope you enjoyed my list.

Jona