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rightsforbrunomadrigalonly · 2 years

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(っ◔◡◔)っ ♥ POV: Trying to get Bruno to shower after not having a proper one in weeks. ♥

[Art Creds: To me cause its my stinky work]

[Word Count: 1446]

[WARNINGS 🚨:Mentions of anxiety| Mentions of depression]

{A/N: ✨⌛️I know Bruno probably suffers silently through a lot of his anxious moments and a lot of the “i feel uselesss” spells he goes through. I’m sure he doesnt care for himself properly so it’s nice to have someone to do that for him💚⌛️✨

Depression was an ugly beast that chose it’s victims mercilessly. Some days, it was a much easier opponent to deal with, but on other days, your husband felt the weight of the world and its problems bearing down on his shoulders. You always did your best to guide him through the ups and downs of the emotional scars and traumas that would resurface when he least expected it. Days like today were no exception. The man had spent most of the day burrowed in the covers of your shared bed, the hood of his faded frayed green ruana drawn over his head. You could tell he was going through what the two of you would call a bad brain day and it broke your heart, considering his bad brain day was turning into a bad brain week.

You let your body drop on the bed near him, your delicate fingers moving to peel the worn out wool of his hood back, exposing his face to the sun of your room. “Mi carino, you have to get up. You’ve been laying here all day…and while I’m all for letting you express your emotions in whatever healthy way you feel is necessary, I think we may be crossing a border where this kind of behavior is starting to become a bit unhealthy ....”

A heavy sigh fell from his shell as he used his palms to push his body upright, it immediately flopping back onto yours. You couldn’t help but give a small smile and a chuckle, catching his head on your shoulder. “That bad of a brain day today huh?” You asked, fingers moving too gently dance through the matted clumped curls that hung in his head. “Ugh, Bruno, when was the last time you had a shower mi amor?”

His cheek pressed hard against your shoulder as he shrugged his own up. “A few days I think. I just…don't feel like leaving the room. I don't want to see anyone, and I don't want anyone to see me.”

Wiping the grease of his hair onto your shirt with a grimace, you sigh. “Amor, why don’t you let me give you a bath. I feel some clean clothes and a nice warm bath will do you good”

His eyes remained fixed on your lap, his hand venturing out of the hidden space of his poncho to lock with yours. “Meh” he murmured, lips stuck in a hard frown.

You gave a sigh wiggling your fingers free from his hand to cup his face, peppering his scruffed up tear stained cheeks with kisses. “Don’t you meh me, get your butt up. Come on! Don’t make me have Casita drag you to the bathroom.”

A genuine smile edged its way across his face, he gently standing on his own two feet. “I guess I dont have much of a choice here do I?”

At least the man knows when he’s beaten. Leaving the confines of your bedroom walls, you drag the man into the bathroom, forcing him to sit on the edge of the tub. You plug the tub and let the water fill as steam permeates the air and rises towards the ceiling. You can sense a discomfort in your husband as he shifts around anxiously behind you. “I hate this, Mi vida, can’t we just go back to the room?”

You shake your head as you pour sweet scents of lavender and chamomile into the water, using your hand to stir the concoction. “It’s just a bath Bruno, it’ll make you feel better, I promise. Come on, let's get you out of these clothes.” You hum as you step closer, moving to disrobe each article of clothing piece by piece from the man's body. He gives a squirm clenching his eyes shut as you lift his shirt over his head, holding his hands out. “I just…I- ugh mi vida…. Mi vida…Y/N!” he firmly huffs, putting his hands on your shoulder. You lower your head with a discontent sigh. “Oh, um, I’m sorry- I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to raise my voice, it’s just- um you’re not listening to me. I don’t feel like taking care of myself” he sighed, eyes casting to casita’s tiles, his feet rubbing together as he stood awkwardly and uncomfortably half dressed.

You set yourself down cautiously on the slim porcelain of the tub brim. You can feel the fractures in your heart as you watch the man you adore break down and shrivel in on himself. Your hand searches for the round scruff of his cheek with a sigh. “What’s going on in that brain of yours mi cielito. Talk to me, let me help you”

The man’s eyes cast into his palms, his fingers fidgeting with each other as he sat in silence for a moment. “I-.....” there was a pause, a long pause before he continued. “I don’t know. Things just don't feel right.”

“Well….” you pause, hand slowly chasing its way down his neck to his waist, tugging the briefs he had on. “Talk to me. You know I’ll always listen. Let your walls down, take a deep breath in through your mouth out through your nose and talk to me. Tell me what’s in your heart, and what's on your mind”

Your lips seek the familiar safety of his face, you placing soft feathered kisses along any open space you could find. His body relaxes and you can feel it not just physically but in the air around you as he stands on his feet removing his briefs and tossing them in the pile of discarded dirty clothes. His body sinks into the water, and you can't help but give him a soft gentle smile as you watch his eyes flutter closed. “Better?” You ask, your palms cupping water allowing it to seep through the cracks of your fingers as you drag it over your lover's dome.

“Yeah..much better. Heh, how come you always have to be right?” A chuckle ripples through your chest as you continue to drizzle water over the other's hair until his curls laid flat against his head. “Because, I’ve been where you are before and it’s not fun. Nobody likes the feeling of anxiety, but sometimes the best way to help power through it is to take care of yourself.”

Guilt wriggles through his features as he sinks further into the water. Your hands make work with some shampoo and begin to gently lather through his hair, making sure to be gentle with the mats. “I just-....Why does this all feel harder than it is. I know that I am not what everyone says I am. And I know you’re gonna say ‘Bruno it doesn’t matter what the world thinks of you. Bruno don’t take the things Abuela says to heart, don’t let her pain affect you. Bruno you’re wonderful and amazing, and you don’t make bad things happen’ Then why do I still feel bothered by all of that stuff! I know I’m not supposed to let it bother me, but it does okay? It does!”

Whoa…What a confession. You can feel his body tremor as he draws his knees closer to his chest, those soft sweet green eyes of his tainted with tears. “Bruno…” you whisper, “close your eyes mi vida.” you murmur as you pour water over his head.

His eyes clench as he flinches from the suds and water rushing over his face, you giving a small sigh. “When I say those things to you, I don’t mean to diminish your feelings. I want you to process through your emotions so you don’t feel alone like you’ve felt for the last decade mi amor. I say them so you have the reassurance you need to push through and feel better, and understood.”

You give a soft smile to the man below you, as you wrap your arms around his damp shoulders from behind, getting yourself soaked in the process. You give a laugh as he tries to splash you off. “If you need more time to shuffle through your emotions, that’s okay, but you I'm tired of smelling you” you tease, kissing his neck and shoulders, earning a hearty laugh out of the man as he squirmed.

“Okay, I get it. I stink.” he said with a laugh “Y/N?”

You can’t help the warm soft feeling you get when he says your name so gently and so affectionately. “Yes amor?”

“I love you mi vida…and um t-thanks for making me do this. I know I can be a lot to manage sometimes and I just-”

His eyes widen in shock as your lips press to his, calming the rambles that anxiously fall from his mouth. “You’re not a chore, you are enough. I love you too.”

#bruno madrigal x reader #bruno madrigal #encanto bruno #bruno #we dont talk about bruno #encanto #bruno x reader #family madrigal

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zuffer-weird-girl · 4 years

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"No. Absolutely not. Cancel it." He growled while you made a hurt and desperate sound at the immediate answer of your boyfriend.

"Kai please! My sister don't have anyone else to take care of her kids, and she is desperate!" You pleaded while he only arched one eyebrow at you.

"Then she should had hired a babysitter. Not give trouble for their sibling." He scoffed and returned his attention to the papers in front of him.

You sighed out loud and burried your face a bit in your hands.

"Then I guess I'm sending her a message to take them to my old apartment instead..."

He stopped abruptly on his reading to look at you.

"That won't be possible either." He said nonchantly while you arched a eyebrow.

"W-why not?"

"I sold your apartment." He said normally whil eyou widen your eyes in horror at your boyfriend's words.

"wHAT?!" you almost shouted while he sighed for you to lower your tone of voice "K-k-Kai! Why?!"

"First, you are living in here long enough, so that place won't be useful for you anymore. Second, we were in need of money and I talked to you about it."

"I don't remember you saying ANYTHING about selling my apartment!" He lifted one finger for you to wait before showing you in his cellphone a chat that you two exchanged.

Damn your distracted brain...

"Why do we again need that much money?" You sighed in hopeless.

He... wouldn't talk much about that issue right now... he was first going to talk with Pops. Later you.

"Is just a project from the yakusa angel, nothing to fuss over with."

You sighed again before frowning at your cellphone nuzzling on the pocket of your jeans.

"Anyway. The kids and I are staying in here aparently."

You merely deadpanned at his glare before you heard a muffled honk from the outside.

"You know, I can talk with that sister of yours and then-"

"Kai, no. Thanks a lot, but no. I know how my boyfriend is." You giggled while he frowned and debated with himself if he should lock the door or not...

He never met those one, but... he wasn't a fan of children... in the slightest.

It didn't take much for you to enter house with one girl and one boy holding each hand of yours, the girl had a wary look on her face while clinging to you while the boy looked around with nothing but interest.

"Its such a big place in here auntie (Y/n)!" The boy exclaimed while you laughed at his energy.

"Alright guys, remembering that this house has extremely importance; and quite honestly I have no idea how your parents let me take care of you two in here; so please be careful alrighty?" You crouched down to be eye level with the children, teh girl nodded while the boy smiled and high fived your hand.

Kai watched with a wary look on his face your interactions, sighing in defeat and choosing to place his hands on his pockets and come to you.

"Ah! Kai!" You smiled at him while the boy chosed to tilt his head at him while the girl stared blankly at him back "Those two little precious thing are my nephews! (B/n) and (G/n)!" You looked at them back with a smile that made both ease a bit their nerves.

"I see. Just instruct them to not cause any messes. You know how much I despise it." He said nonchalantly while making his way out... only deadpanning when he heard the boy asking why he said that and you simply answered that he was a cleaning maniac.

He is going to have a long talk with you.

Your laughter along with the kids made him lose focus more than once...

What it was so fun about those little pests? Children are loud, annoying, never follow your orders correctly and dirty... he couldn't get why and even how you could be genuinely happy around one of those.

After two screams of the kids he made his way out, thinking about the worst and his heart almost jumped at seing you layed on the grass with eyes completely closed and the kids shocking you a bit.

"I told you it was a bad idea you idiot!" The girl said in irritation while she shook you and begged you to wake up.

"It was just to be a little scare! Not to make aunt faint!" The boy exclaimed while doing the same thing as his sister.

His jaw clenched as his hands turned into fists, already preparing to demand answers from those brats on what they had done with his angel before you suddenly opened your eyes and screamed to scare them.

"Ha! Think only you two can do pranks?! Take that then!" You grabbed both of the children and gave each one of them raspberries on their necks, the boy succumbed into laughter as the girl squirmed and begged for you to stop, trying her hardest to not laugh.

... huh. So he didn't needed to worry. The sign in front of him seemed almost... cozy even.

Wait... what?

He walked through the halls, screeching a bit his wrist from all of his writing before he heard your voice from the kitchen.

"So you kiddos want what for eating? Already warning that junk food is not a option..." he heard nothing for a bit seconds before you whined "I'm sorry! Please dont do the pouts! I can make something else though!"

"Oh!" He heard the boy's voice "I know something then!"

Curiosity spoked louder than his knowledge so he peaked a bit on the kitchen, enough to look but the necessary for not being caught.

"Peanut sandwich!" The boy exclaimed while the girl arched a eyebrow at him.

"Mommy doesn't let you eat those things." The boy pouted at her before making a 'shh' sound to her while she rolled her eyes at him.

"Thanks for the honesty (G/n). Mommy also told me this due to your allergy mister!" You poked teh boy's nose as he poked his tongue out with a smile.

"Hum..." you brought your hand and poked your chin a couple of times with your index finger a bit before snapping your fingers "How about some sandwiches that are not all boring healthy neither much junky then?"

The kids looked at eachother before nodding while you giggled at their actions and quickly made their specific ones.

He noticed that the girl was by one or two even years older than the boy, and was definitely more reserved than her brother while the boy was simply the energy itself. But even the two being so different, both widened their eyes in awe after they took their bites when you handed their lunches.

"Amazing auntie!" The boy exclaimed before unpolitely digging his food while the girl simply stared in awe.

"Aunt, please cook instead of my mommy. Please."

"God no." You said in exasperation "She might kill me for that sweetie, dont do that."

He smirked a bit at that as he made his way out with hands on his pockets.

"I can see that when we have children she is the one spoiling the brats..." he muttered to himself before abruptly stopping on his tracks and widening his eyes in horror of what he just said.

Him? You? Children? You guys weren't even marriage! Why the hell was he even speaking about damn brats?!

No way that you and him were going to have a kid. Those gave much work, planning and pacience-

"You kiddos want me to what?" His attention got back to you as he listened your voice this time coming from the living room... aparently you just got there since minutes ago you were in teh kitchen.

"Tell is a story!" The boy exclaimed while the girl hummed in agreement.

"You always comes with the best stories aunt, please?" Teh girl asked while he followed your voices, catching the you had sitted down and the kids on both of your sides.

"Alright then..."

You chosed a fairly tale, a not much know of but it was slightly impressive how calm and... gentle you were with your words, the way you carresed the kids hair was similiar with how you carresed his own hair on a bad day..

He never noticed neither catched that you looked like the best example of a... real mother. Caring and loving... his own mother he couldn't point neither convince himself of only one time that she acted like this way with him.

He had so many troubles with his biological... that he never thought that true love with a child was even possible. He owned his life to Pops, but the yakusa was almost deprived of womans, and even some of them were generally like their atmosphere. Rigg, cold, reserved...

Yourself acted like that as well when the necessary time came... but never with him. And aparently you loved your nephews to treat them like he did.

He immediately got out and walked through the houses with a frown on his forehead... thoughts of you holding a baby on your arms and being just as or even more gentle and lovingly with a child that was also... his. A child thhat he had no shame neither disgust to have with you...

Dear lord what was happening?! When his heart started to beat so fast? When he started to care for children in the first place?! God you two weren't even marriage why on hell he was-

"Chisaki?" He snapped from hsi thoughts to see Pops looking at him with a concerned face "My boy, I called you at least five times and you didn't even listened?"

"I'm sick." He said nonchalantly to the elder "I need to find a cure or a treatment."

The old man only got more concerned as he looked at his sucessor.

"What do you mean? You seem perfectly fine at least physically. What is the issue?"

"Ever since (Y/n)'s nephews got here it started." He brought his hand to hold his chin in thought "Maybe it was because of them... I'm not sure, they are too young to have a quirk so it's not that either."

"You're feeling like you have a fever then young man?"

"No. Is not that. Ever since they came I can't stop thinking of (Y/n) with a child on her arms, a toddler or even a infant. That looks like me and her, a mix or whatever."

The elder let out a disbelieving laugh which only triggered Chisaki even more.

"So you're telling me that you're having baby fever?" Thhe way Chisaki's eyes widen in horror were quite concerning for Pops and he almost went to speak if it wasn't-

"You're joking that is a actual illness... Fuck, I need to find a cure, buy it or something-"

"Kai. I raised you better than this... please." The elder interrupted while Chisaki only glared at the man, whose face was just as unimpressed as his.

#overhaul x reader #overhaul scenario #fanfic overhaul #overhaul #chisaki kai imagine scenario #kai chisaki x reader #chisaki kai x reader #chisaki kai #kai chisaki #bnha imagine #bnha characters #bnha villains #bnha x reader #bnha #my writing #zuffer writing

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thevirgodoll · 4 years

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ok so this happened awhile ago but it still weighs on my mind heavy bc my anxiety wont let me get rid of it. my ex boyfriend revealed that he wasnt attracted to me, looks wise, but he said he like my personality a lot. when he called me his ugly lil baby i almost fell out because i was so confused and shocked at the same time. since then my appearance has been really low and i dont really make an effort changing it. i’m to the point where its not even my insecurities, i just dont care how i look

This is unacceptable.

The fact that he thought it was endearing to call you “ugly lil baby” is showing red flags. This is why you continue to think about it. I am just as shocked as you are, but not surprised. The only explanation for this is that he is an unhealthy person and is playing games with you and your self esteem. This is one sign out of many for emotional abuse.

He wants to definitely bring you down to a certain level. No one who genuinely loves and cares about you would call you names. This is to bring you down and manipulate you in order to serve a purpose that he deems necessary.

Know that this is not a reflection of your shortcomings, though it may be hard to see now. I can understand how this has tanked your self esteem, considering you were probably going hard for someone that was deceiving you.

However, you cannot give your ex the power by not making an effort towards yourself and not giving yourself your best. Your mind has been on a cycle of: Well, he said it so it must be true.

That is incorrect. You are not the many things your ex has said about you. You cannot build your self image on someone else’s perception of you, or it will fall apart every single time.

You have to build an environment of compassion and understanding with yourself. Day by day. That means you no longer have room for people that threaten that environment and make it less of a home for you. Stop engaging this ex — cut all memories out of your life (technology wise), block the number. Begin to deep clean your life from the inside out.

In reality, your ex did not steal the essence of who you are. That person is still there, waiting to be seen. You cannot allow someone else’s narrative to become louder than your own, and that is what has been happening. You have to narrate your own life, and create your own chapters. What someone else wants to do in your life is irrelevant because that is not who you are.

Your interests, passions, and beauty lies in you and no one can take that away from you even with the most ludicrous statements they can think of — it’s still your safe haven. Your mind is still your own. You just have to recognize that. You have to allow yourself to rebuild.

You need to acknowledge the pain, recognize it, and get to the root of how you can turn this around. The first thing you can do is stop letting others claim power over your life. While others can hurt you, it is your decision to wave the white flag. You have to put effort into yourself and keep going. It’s not the easiest decision, but it’s the best decision because you are all you’ve got. What good does it do to let the enemy win?

Go through my confidence tag, remind yourself who you are, and sit with your feelings. Build the confidence and the boundaries so that no one can threaten your headspace. It’s about you for the rest of 2020 and that’s that. Don’t let this happen again because you’re worth more than someone looking to soak up your potential to make themselves feel bigger. It’s all about you now. It’s up to you to shift the narrative from outside to inside, and shift the validation from external to internal.

That unbothered attitude needs to be the only thing happening. And put effort into yourself. Don’t walk around looking bad because someone else decided you weren’t good enough for them. They look stupid, not you. You need to shake yourself and get a grip!!! You know how it is on my blog.

TL;DR: Get it together. If you’re going to be a doll, you have to know that even if someone tries to snap and bend you, you’re not going to break and you’re still going to look pretty through it all. Trust yourself to withstand the tests of life and win. Change the narrative.

#answered #advice #confidence

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dadzawa-adopt-dabi · 4 years

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Learn some dam self care Keigo.

Dabi has noticed Keigo getting tired.

"What's the matter? Don't they don't give you Heroes breaks?" He mocks to cover up the sliver of concern.

"Not me." Is the short and bitter response. Its genuine for once.

Dabi puts off the next meeting for a few days to try and give him a break. Spying and working double shifts nearly everyday is obviously leaving the Hero with little time to rest. He’s not worried, really he isn’t, but Keigo may have stumbled a few times last meeting. He caught himself and didn't appear drunk wich leaves exhaustion.

When he messages the hero again it's just to tell him the next meeting time and location. Hopefully the dumb bird has rested up and they can get back to exchanging information.

Dabi ends up running a little late again. Toga wouldn't leave him alone about meeting Hawks and he had to shake her loose before he came to see him.

Keigo is curled into the corner of a sofa and is folded into his wings when Dabi walks into the warehouse.

"No greeting birdy? And after i let you have time off" Dabi notices that Keigo actually dosnt look much better than he had a couple days ago. He makes a note to check social media and see if Hawks had been pulling double shifts the entire time.

"It's fucking cold. Let's just get on with this." Keigo grumbles from inside the cocoon of his wings. He sits himself up straighter but keeps his wings around himself as a makeshift blanket.

It's about 20 minutes into the conversation before Keigo stops talking midsentence. A few moments later he falls forward and Dabi rushes to catch him.

That's it. Its officially intervention time. Keigo is obviously being overworked. He had stopped talking at several points in the meeting, loosing his train of thought or dozing off before jolting himself awake. He's looked him up on his phone while Keigo was struggling to stay awake and Keigo hasn't had a night or day off in weeks. Its past a burnout pace.

So it's not a complete surprise when he finally gives up and falls asleep.

Dabi calls Kuroguri and tells him to pick him up and prepare for a guest as Keigo struggles to wake up again. Keigo is mumbling at him and trying to stand but stumbling, so Dabi walks him straight back into the opening warp gate.

"Your meeting the boss. Oh and I'm kidnapping you until further notice." Dabi casually states and follows after him to see Shigaraki steadying him on the otherside. He had on his gloves he usually used for gaming and was scowling at Dabi already. Kuroguri had warped them right into the living room.

This is going to cause shenanigans and Shig knows it.

"Is he drunk? He can't even stand. What are you doing bringing him here right now?" Shigaraki let Keigo go when he tried to jerk out of his hold.

"I- I'm too- I can't, Dabi?" Keigo mumbled and moves toward Dabi.

"It's fine Keigo. Shig is just concerned. It's fine he's got his gloves on." Dabi muttered to the tired bird and put a hand on his shoulder.

"Is he drunk or what?" Shigaraki hovered nearby.

"Remember how I was saying the Hero commission was pushing him too hard? He's not drunk, just sleep deprived and exhausted. So I kidnapped him"

Shigaraki scratched at his neck.

"Is he always like this? Is there anyone coming to look after him?"

"Not as far as I know. Hey Magne can you start a bath? He's pretty cold." Dabi started leading Keigo down the hallway.

Toga appeared at his elbow and got a good look at Keigo.

"He can use one of my bath bombs. He looks like he needs some self care."

" You can lecture him on self care when he wakes up later." He continued supporting Keigo and was guiding him down the hall to the bath.

" Can you make sure he stays upright in the bath?" Shigaraki asked Shuichi in the corner.

Shuichi hoped up passing his game to Shig to save for him.

"I can bath myself." Keigo insisted and pulled away from Dabi. Waking up a little bit more. He stumbled again and leaned against the wall.

"This really isn't necessary, I appreciate it, but this happens all the time."

Shuichi grabbed his hands and pulled him upright causing a glove to slip off.

"Shouldn't happen at all" muttered a concered Kuroguri from the kitchen as Shuichi made a choked sound.

Keigo snatched his glove back and shoved it on.

"Fuck that's gotta hurt dude, no need to hide those here. I've got mine long. No one cares if I cut them or not bro" Spinner spread his hands out to show Keigo the talons Magne and Toga had painted just a few days ago.

He took Keigo's other hand and tugged off the glove. Keigo's nails revealed as talons clipped short and frayed.

"Dabi can keep watch." Keigo muttered. If this was going to be how he met the rest of the LoV it was better the devil he knew with him while he was vunerable.

Dabi wheezed behind him and coughed to clear his chest.

"Not a good idea" he coughed out.

"No he can not. He would be useless" Shig said while trying not to laugh.

"The hell you all standing around talking for? Let's get bird boi bathed changed and in bed. Not Dabi's bed. They're still not at that point evidently" Magne stated.

"I'm not a child. And I have patrol in 3 hours. I can't just skip." Keigo followed anyways. Sleep sounded so nice and technically he was still spying while he was here.

"Stage one kidnapping and get Kuroguri on a soapbox for Hero treatment and schedules. Got it." Sako grinned.

"You better give me that soapbox. First Shouta now this young man. I've got quite a bit to say to society on how much they demand from heros." Kuroguri appeared to be writing a speech already.

"I'm here so how are you going to fake a kidnapping?" Keigo was really getting tempted by the idea of that rest. Why the hell was the LoV so nice? Maybe if he asked Dabi would dry his feathers off for him?

Too nice. All this sounded too good to be true.

"Magicians never reveal there secrets"

"Wouldnt you like to know feather boi?" Toga cackled as she reappeared with gold and pink bathbombs.

"Keep your secrets then. Also thank you Toga I've been wanting to try these." Fuck it Keigo decided. He was tired and could spy properly when he more rested. This was somehow nothing what he expected the LoV to be and everything Dabi had implied they were for him.

"We are talking about whatever the hell these guys think is going on when I wake up" Keigo took the bathbombs and followed after Shuichi. Only bumping into the wall a few times.

Keigo only nodded off in the bath once and Shuichi threw a rubber duck at him when he did.

"What else does the Hero concil have you hide?" Shuichi asked trying to keep Keigo talking and awake.

"Um I have a 3rd eyelid my visor obscures? My talons are actually my fault at this point. I have to regularly clean and straighten my feathers or use them all up. They are a lot of maintenance but most of its second nature at this point." Keigo stuttered in some parts.

"Eye markings?" That's something Shuichi was actually curious about.

"Not makeup. Most people just assume its eyeliner but I was born with them." Keigo finished rinsing out his hair and held out a hand for a towel.

"Cool. Dabi thought so but I totally thought it was eyeliner."

"How often does Dabi talk about me?" Keigo shrugged into some sweats and a shirt that had a deep v already cut for his wings. That was thoughtful.

"He talks about you a lot."

"Does he like me or something? Do you think he would mind helping me dry out my wings? I dont want to annoy him" Keigo went to leave.

"How are both of you this clueless? You are literally wearing his sweats. Yes he would help you with your wings. we all would if he would challenge us to a pvp for the honor." Shuichi facepalmed.

"They kinda suck though, and make people uncomfortable. My feathers are basically a bunch of knives. Maybe Toga wouldnt mind? She likes knives" He muttered and shuffled towards the room he came into. There had been a couch and he could always use his wings as a blanket. Wet or not he would pass out almost immediately.

"I've never seen Toga and Dabi fight yet and I am not eager to see it now." Shuichi nudged him towards a diffrent room.

"Your rooms over here."

"I have a room?" It was probably because he was so tired but Keigo started crying. They were so nice to him already.

"DABI, your bird is crying. Come fix him." Shuichi yelled towards the main room.

There was some cussing heard and a few seconds later Dabi was beside him.

"Why you crying pretty bird?"

"I'm mostly just tired but you guys have been so nice! I have a own room already and you kidnapped me and my shirt has holes cut and no one minds my talons." Keigo babbles and leans forward until his head is resting on Dabi's shoulder.

"Well yeah, as soon as I started talking about you seriously joining us Shig set you up a room. The sweats and sleep and acceptance is just basic decency. Let's get you in bed." Dabi led him in the rest of the way.

"Wait can you dry my wings? They're wet and gross and Spinner said you wouldn't mind? I promise they won't cut you." Keigo muttered. Dabi would probably say no but he was too tired to detach them all and spin them around until they dried.

"Sure. Go to sleep already birdy."

Keigo finally got to sleep knowing it would be for more than a couple hours. Dabi running his heated hands through his wings was definitely something he was going to ask for again.

Fuck the commission he was staying here. Maybe Toga could give him a face mask next time.

#dabihawks #LoV as family #takami keigo #bnha dabi #shigaraki tomura #leauge of villians #mha #bnha #bnha hawks #thedarkonewrites #still not satisfied #no more deleting #very keigo centric #gah

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semiconducting · 3 years

Text

just reflecting on some personal growth stuff from last year !

im actually. genuinely okay. like i think im starting this year feeling okay! which is atypical.

i think i can attribute it to the enormous amount of work id put into myself over the past year...i remember one year ago being extraordinarily depressed and really just. high strung? incredibly anxious but exhausted. and i fell down a descent slowly from not eating, to getting really irritable and not handling conflicts with friends well, to actively self harming again, to the point where i remembered sitting in a coffee shop with one of my friends and saying out loud that i need to go to therapy. and that i was going to talk to a mutual friend of ours about how the therapy services on campus are. which was a huge step for me! ive always had trust issues with therapy services since i was 12 for reasons i wont go into, but im sure you can gather the point of.

and then, literally the next day after saying that, got news about campus shutting down because of the virus.

and i made all of the effort possible to reach out to my friends and get things figured out to weather the storm because i KNEW shit was going to get bad if i didnt. but only one of my friends was really keeping up, and thats because he and i do homework together so we were already in a rhythm of talking every single week no matter what. and thats not to say that im ungrateful for him or the fact that even still he was there for me while i was going through hell, i have this thing about Not Putting All My Problems On And Confiding In One Person And One Person Only. so i withdrew, i stopped talking to everyone, i stopped logging into my classes, i didnt do any homework, i didnt lead my workshops, didnt hold office hours...i was just wallowing in my own misery

and i made plans to kill myself. and thats like, i mean i could say that several dozen times over the course of a year since i was like 12, but i mean a legitimate walkthrough plan. had my hiking bag packed with everything i was going to use, decided where i was going to, and was going to prep myself for it. wrote drafts and drafts of suicide notes until i decided just leaving the contact info of people who needed to know asap was all i was going to leave. in addition to sticky notes on some stuff in my room for what needed to be returned to who, or if something should go to someone in particular...

and i acted as normally as i could around my housemates. attributed my not leaving my room much to being busy with classes. i have a rule to myself to always sleep at least one night before killing myself because if im really serious about going through with it it can always wait one day. this time i decided i was going to clean my room and leave it as pristine as possible. the last thing i had to do was a load of laundry, and then i was going to do it.

and then someone from campus showed up at my door. because one of my professors filed a report and i hadnt responded to any of the emails id received checking in on me.

so i readjusted. caught up on my schoolwork, just barely finished the semester and definitely didnt do it strong or well (god bless the pass/fail option bc of covid LOL), but i did it nonetheless. went home, started my internship, had a miserably mundane summer.

i grew bitter and apathetic. i was angry at my friends for not being responsive when i reached out to them to talk or hang out or do anything. i got tired of dealing with it. i was tired of feeling alone and like no one gave a shit about me except for when it was convenient for them. i decided that i wasnt going to deal with people who werent willing to put any effort into me, so i stopped talking to everyone and kept up with people who were willing to reach out after the fact.

it’s definitely not the best approach. it’s really unforgiving and it doesn’t give people a lot of benefit of the doubt, but i think it was necessary in some respect. i didn’t have any criteria for how people needed to reach out, or how long after, or whatever, just that they did. really needed people in my life who are willing to communicate with me. i was honest with how i was feeling and why i did things if they did, apologized for the shitty approach, thanked them for still being willing to talk to me, and worked out the best way for both of us to keep things going.

over the months i dont think i really regret the decision, because it’s been a weight off my shoulders. i feel a lot better. i’m far more okay with where i stand in all of my friends’ lives, even if that’s not as a priority and even if that’s as just someone to talk to and catch up with like a couple times a year. it took a bit for it to pay off but it’s nice to take a look at people i was putting far too much work into and upon reflection realizing that they only interacted with me when they needed something from me, and not for me as a person. i think there are still people where there are loose ends and i think i may try reaching out myself to tie those up at some point, whenever i have the energy and clarity of mind for it. but i guess at the end of the day i just decided that people who weren’t willing to communicate weren’t worth the time. i’m okay if that communication means i need to be the one to initiate conversations even! i just need to know that.

but yeah. i came back to ny and started the semester totally apathetic and angry. i was so fucking depressed and bored with everything even if i was keeping myself incredibly busy. the only thing that i found rewarding (and what was just barely keeping me going) was leading my workshop for the intro optics class.

and then a friend -- the same friend i was at the coffee shop with -- reached out to catch up. and i was honestly really bitter and angry with him and was prepping myself to start listing out issues that i hadnt been able to address with him beforehand (side note, while telling friends the issues you have with them is important, listing shit out all at once is hardly ever a good approach especially without warning LOL) but ended up...just having a calming and comfortable conversation about what was going on in our lives since we last saw each other.

n later that day i ended up reaching out to an old friend that i had been meaning to catch up with because we fell out of contact, but had just barely been trying to start talking again in the months before this but had kept missing opportunities to properly converse. but we talked again, and we set up a day to hike and catch up.

and he comes to my house and picks me up. and i get in his car. and its like, holy shit, its been almost a year since ive seen you. and we hugged. and just started to catch each other up on the mess that had been our lives since we’d actively been in contact. we hiked, he told me about the books he wanted to write, we talked about people we knew, we talked about politics, we talked about school, we talked about life, and it was just as comfortable as if not a day had passed...even though it was obvious that he and i were both changed people over the past year. nothing about our friendship was any different though.

we resolved to hanging out with each other every week. decided we both needed the interaction, appreciated having each other around, and had a nice overlap of free time in the week that worked well. friday nights unless otherwise specified.

it was totally unexpected. he’d always been a great friend to me, but i never expected us to get as close as we did. neither did he. he’s probably the first person in my life (or at least in a very long time, and certainly the only person at the time) that i’d been so comfortable with that i practically had no boundaries around. none that needed to be addressed, anyway, because the only possible ones to throw up wouldn’t even come up (but of course, i constantly reassured that as soon as anything came up i would let him know because early on he kept asking sjhdkjfh).

he became something for me to look forward to in the week. towards the beginning he was a shoulder to lean on when i needed it and was willing to listen to things i hadn’t been able to tell anyone out loud. and he confided in me as well. it was comfortable. it was safe. it was a level of trust with vulnerability that i’d never shown anyone else.

but it wasnt even just that! it was fun! hes so fun. we could talk about everything and nothing, and hes one of the only people where i feel like i have to keep up with him in conversation instead of the other way around. we’d jump from topic to topic so much faster than either of us could think and it was all always so interesting. littered with humour that was just dumb and simple. i felt comfortable just being an idiot with him. i felt like i had nothing to prove.

for the past few years ive held to the sentiment that i like to hang around with people that make me a better person. but somehow, with him, its not that i felt like he made me a better person, but that he made me more myself. he saw who i was without any kind of fronts. and i always was afraid to show anyone that me because i always assumed that they would be depressing, loathsome, bitter, angry, and vicious.

but....i’m not. i learned that i’m incredibly loving. that i’d do fuckin anything to for my friends, but always in a way that was healthy and rewarding for both of us. i’m very light-hearted and my sense of humour is so stupid, but also very analytical and thoughtful. just a bit judgmental and pretentious, but always for things that people dont expect. totally open minded in discussions. an avid explorer, and a bit of a thrillseeker. and so, so, so affectionate.

i realized im. not as horrible as ive always made myself out to be. i accepted that i didnt need to punish myself for things beyond my control. i realized that i could believe people when they tell me that they enjoy my company, or appreciate things i do for them, or that they think i’m a worthwhile person to keep around.

its not that i dont have my flaws, its not that there arent things that i have to work on still. but maybe, at my core, i’m not actually motivated by spite, i’m not actually a hopeless pessimist, and that i’m not...broken. i’m not some secretly irredeemable monster.

and for a period of time i’ve been in a place where i could say i was genuinely...happy! and i don’t think i’ve ever been able to say that. i’ve certainly been made happy by doing things with friends in the past, i’ve been through periods where i’ve been okay with where i am at in life, but ever since i was like 12 (but probably even before that) i’d never been able to say that i was happy. it’s not that i wasn’t stressed, it’s not that things in my life were all going perfectly....but they didn’t define my mood. they didn’t define my view of myself. school, despite being the primary focus of my life, wasn’t dictating how i was feeling. even when things were agonizing and depressing because of school, i was still okay. i was incredibly stable.

and i owe that all to him being there for me. and hardly any of these things were anything that he was really directly responsible for, like its not that he sat there and just constantly showered me in reassurance and praise or anything that changed how i view myself...it was just having his company. it was just being able to sit there and listen to him go on about some totally random thing that he was exceptionally knowledgeable about. it was exploring caves and climbing hills. it was cooking together. it was talking about science. it was talking about love. it was talking about music. it was just having a consistent presence in my life, someone that treated me like a priority but never at the expense of himself, and someone i didn’t have to walk on any kind of eggshells around. it was someone who trusted me and respected me not by anything id done to warrant it, but just because of who i was.

it was a reminder that i can take care of my own problems, that i just need to be a good presence in someone’s life and for them to be a good presence in mine.

but also that i can accept help from people who genuinely want to offer it! and that that help doesnt always have to be direct. that sometimes helping me means i get to do something nice for someone else LOL

it was everything i ever needed and i wasnt even looking for it. he meant the world to me and i was so, so thankful for the circumstances that led us here because i was so happy to have him in my life again. i was happy that we were able to get closer because we’d only been able to interact in professional environments before.

and then i realized i was in love. and i had a sexuality crisis. but i didn’t recognize it until i fell hard because it was a different kind of love than i’ve felt for anyone before. it was intense but entirely too comfortable. but i knew that i cared about him, and that he cared about me, and that i really didn’t need anything about our friendship to change but that it had potential to be something even greater than it was.

and i resolved to tell him about it...until he told me first. and that moment was, as cheesey as it sounds, nothing less than magical. we were both so happy and giggly and it was so sweet and warm and i dont know if im ever going to be able to recreate that feeling because it was just so particular, so specific to being something between me and him. its not that i cant love anyone else as strongly or be as happy as i was necessarily, but it’ll never be that same kind of feeling.

but things happened. things got complicated. i think he panicked. and then things that happened just felt so dirty and hollow and dark. he hurt me really, really, really badly, and it managed to happen in the span of four days.

and i’ve spent the last <2 weeks dealing with it. i think he’s dealing with it in his own ways, but realistically i don’t know how because i havent seen him since christmas eve, and we were both definitely not being completely genuine that day. was at his house for a small family party and he and i were the only ones who knew what happened. it was too soon to have healed from it any, but we couldnt exactly be honest about it then either.

and im doing better. im genuinely okay now. and, interestingly, i think i owe it to the past few months of hanging out with him and how ive been able to come to terms with a lot of things about myself. ive been able to show myself compassion. its really ironic.

its a situation where i was desperately trying to throw blame onto myself for, because if i could then i could punish myself for it and use it to fuel that deep rooted self hatred and then i could fix it, because i’d be the one responsible for fixing it. but, and i’ve talked to quite a few friends about it trying to figure out who to confide in about it, everyone who knows about it insists that i cant blame myself for it. theres not a thing about the situation that i can blame myself for. and its so fucking weird, because i cant bring myself to fully blame him for it either, just because it was so ABSURDLY out of character that it doesnt feel like it was anything he could have done to me. it was a boundary that i wasnt ever supposed to worry about him crossing, because he’s just not that kind of person.

and it’s the type of situation that you’re supposed to totally be willing to cut someone off for but...i can’t. he’s genuinely remorseful and i think he doesn’t really know how to deal with it either. and despite it being a massive fuck up its still like...the first fuck up in our friendship from either of us. and i’m willing to see this through. i think it’s salvageable, even if it’ll never be the same as it was. i have faith in our friendship. i think we can make it work.

but no matter what happens. i owe him more than i’ll ever be able to repay him for. and i’ll never, ever be able to hate him because of that. i’m in a much, much better place because of him and for that i’ll always be thankful.

#shut up mega #this ended up being longer and more in depth abt the earlier half of the year than i meant it LOL #a summary of my 2020 i spose #also there's some kinda detailed talk of #suicide ment -#self harm ment -#IM CRYING AFTER WRITING THIS OUT LMAOOOO

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laurazepamwrites · 4 years

Text

The chemicals between us ~ Ch4

‘Ow! Get off you fucking..Hog! Hog get him off! Fucking cunt! Ow!’

Specks of blood dotted on the floor from a freshly split lip as well as a chewed piece of pink gum. A very angry Junkrat struggled under an even angrier Morrison who in turn struggled to pin him down.

‘Jack er...think the Junker boy may have gone from his cell.’ Torbjorns voice came through on his communicator.

‘I know!’ He shouted back, grabbing a metal hand and twisting it round the Junkers back. He felt a part dislodge in his grip. He looked over his shoulder at Jesse who was leaning against the wall seemingly enjoying the show. ‘Why the hell didn't you apprehend him?’

‘Weren't doing nothing but complain.’

Morrison growled in reply. Over Junkrats shouting and cursing he heard someone approach him, he looked up expecting to see Rutledge and a huge fist coming at him, Instead Ana stood beside him looking none too impressed with either of them.

‘I think that's enough now. From both of you.’ She said sternly, her lips a thin line.

‘He escaped his cell and could of done God knows what damage to this place.’

‘Shoulda done you Cunt-OW!’

‘Give me a reason to shoot you here and now Fawkes!’

‘Enough!’ Anas voice cracked like a whip, stilling both men. ‘Jack, get off him. Fawkes get up and stay where you are.’

They begrudgingly replied, Jack cursing under his breath and freeing Junkrat from his grasp. The Junker quickly sprang up, touching his broken lip and inspecting the blood on his fingers.

‘Oh you’re a right cunt mate..’

Ana snapped her fingers at him and scowled. He quickly gave in to her stare and slouched, crossing his arms and pouting like a sullen teenager. He glanced up as Roadhog entered the hallway, he didn't want to make the old lady more angry so resigned to sending Hog an icy glare and mouthing 'fuck you’ at him. Roadhog simply sighed. The Doctor followed behind him. She gave Junkrat a quick glance over, looking a bit too long at his prosthetics for his liking, though it could've been his imagination. She tutted at the mess. ‘Really Commander was that necessary? Our stocks are low as is it. That will need stitches.’ She nodded to Junkrats bleeding lip. 'The fuck it will’ Junkrat retorted, breaking his short lived silence.

‘I will not have blood following you around the base like a breadcrumb trail.’ She stepped aside gesturing to the med bay, ‘If you please.’

‘No.’

‘Rat.’ Roadhog growled a warning.

‘This place fucking sucks! And you!’ Junkrat pointed at Roadhog. ‘You’re meant to be on my side!’

‘Its stitches Jamison..nothing worse than that….’ He replied in a gentler tone.

That had an affect, Junkrat became quiet once again and fidgeted with his prosthetic hand. He caught Roadhogs gaze and glowered back at him. Sensing a touched nerve Ana stepped in, her voice friendly once again. ‘If I may interject. Perhaps Fawkes and Rutledge can stay here until Dr Ziegler finishes her treatment whilst I stay guard. After which both of you be will placed in holding together .’ She said the last word looking at Morrison, driving home the point that this was not for debate. Jack remained silent and angry.

‘So-so what? We’re gonna be locked up till you get what you want? Which aint fucking happening by the way. Fucking hell Hog, shoulda taken our chances on our own.’ His living hand rubbed the back of his neck whilst metal fingers danced in agitation, he knitted his eyebrows and chewed the inside of his lip well aware of the coppery taste of blood in his mouth. His eyes darted to Roadhog who of course remained silent, he sighed finally relenting and turned to the doctor. ‘Alright fine, just make it quick.’

Sat on the examination table he fidgeted anxiously. He hated doctors, he hated hospitals, he hated the smell, the clinical cleanliness, the cold sterile environment. The sharp tools that cut and slice and pierce. The medicine that makes you feel even worse, makes you drowsy, slow and sluggish leaving you vulnerable to anything. Hated the flashes of memory it invoked. Waking up in a place like this..screaming..doctors and nurses rushing..a woman shouting his name..so much red and pain..pain..pain. Junkrat gave a sudden jolt in surprise as Roadhog nudged him, bringing him back into the room and the present. The Doctor was watching him patiently, he looked between the two of them, ‘huh?’

‘I said I will need to clean the wound then administer a local anaesthetic, then a couple of stitches. Very simple.’ The Doctor said in a reassuring voice.

‘....Hog.’

‘Its fine.’

Metal fingers fidgeted and anxiety gnawing at his stomach and mind. Angela exchanged a subtle look with Ana.

‘Kay..’ A deep breath in. ‘Okay.’

He begrudgingly allowed the Doctor to clean away as much of the blood as possible despite it still flowing from the deep split in his lip. She gave a sound of approval and picked up a prepared syringe from the small medical trolley nearby. She tapped it with her finger, dispelling any air bubbles and waited for Junkrats permission to continue but he seemed to be purposely looking anywhere but her and the syringe she held. She decided to continue and gently took his chin in her, lifting it up slightly. She felt him tense at her touch, noticed his fists gripping the edge of the examination table, the slight flinch as she administered the anaesthetic. She withdrew, placing the syringe back on it the trolley. ‘There, that should only take a couple of minutes to work then just a couple of stitches. I work fast so shan’t keep you long.’

‘Yeah dont wanna keep the old man waiting love.’ He muttered. His tongue tested the quickly numbing area on his lip.

Angela hesitated slightly. ‘Jamison..? I do have some questions..’

‘Bet you do.’

‘Everyone here is under my care. You may be here for sometime so that includes the pair of you as well. Mr Rutledge tells me Junkertown receives medication for Radiation exposure. Have you had such treatment?’

‘..Yeah.’

‘For how long?’

‘Dunno..since it happened I guess.’

‘And..how old were you when it happened?’

He met her eyes, frowning. He didn't know these people, he didn't trust them. Already he’s had too many questions. In Junkertown you kept your story to yourself, cos everyone already knew it, as you knew theirs. Everyone suffered, everyone lost homes, family, their lives. But one thing he noticed from the outside world is everyone had damn questions. He began to fidget again.

‘I apologise, I will refrain from asking such questions.’ She said softly, noticing his discomfort. She gently touched his broken lip. ‘That should be enough time. Are you ready for me to proceed?’

He gave a shrug, ‘Guess so.’

She was true to her word and finished stitching his lip quickly yet efficiently. ‘There.’ She eventually said, placing down the needle and surgical thread. ‘All done, they will dissolve on their own by which time the wound will be healing nicely. Just be mindful to keep it clean, I don't want to you back here with an infection.’

He grunted in reply. ‘Can I get out of here now?’

‘I would like to take your height and weight before you go.’

‘For fucks sake love..’

A low grumble from Roadhog warned him to mind himself. The Doctor wasn't so bad and her care seemed genuine. ‘Just do it Rat...I did.’

‘Yeah bet you did..top patient were ya?’

‘No sense in being difficult.’

Junkrat threw his hands up. ‘Fine! Then I'm out of here, I hate this place.’

‘Of course.’ The Doctor said politely.

She took his height and weight, noting it on her clipboard. ‘All done, you are quite tall 6’5 in fact but underweight for your height. You should not slouch so much either.’ He rolled his eyes, and slouched in defiance. Roadhog sighed and stood up, he flexed his shoulder grunting at the pain in his ribs. ‘Lets go Rat..’

‘Yay back to the cells..’ He said sarcastically, making for the door which opened as he approached. Outside Morrison and McCree were waiting for him. As he left the room Roadhog turned slightly and looked at Angela. ‘He was five years old.’ He said quietly. The door shut behind him, leaving Ana and Dr Ziegler alone.

‘What are you thinking Angela?’ Ana asked.

‘I’m thinking he’s a traumatized young man who has lived through horrific experiences.’ She sadly replied.

‘Five years old..’ Ana repeated Roadhogs words. ‘How does a child survive in that environment?’

‘I remember watching the news on it. Wasn't there a relief effort? Why wasn't he evacuated?’

‘Their government cut off aid stating the environment too dangerous and the cause lost remember? The only help they got after that were charities which were already stretched world over. A Lot of children got seperated and left behind Angela. The Australian government banned Overwatch's involvement too, even before the tragedy. We wanted a team to be deployed to put forward negotiations to each affected party, but they just wanted peace for their cities and towns. What is a population of five thousand compared to about twenty three million? The UN agreed with their decision and let it pass.’

‘That was cruel, they let their own people suffer. Human and Omnic.’’

‘Australia was nearly wiped out, their government desperate for peace. War presents extremely difficult choices Angela, you know that better than most people.’

Angela sighed sadly. ‘You are right, come then. I suppose we should head to the briefing and if I remember correctly Reinhardt will soon be returning.’ She smiled warmly at Ana.

‘Please Angela, as If I’d forget something so important.’

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Winston and Torbjorn were already in the briefing room waiting for their teammates as Ana and Angela entered. ‘You need to get that computer of yours back up to speed.’ Torbjorn gruffly said to Winston as the women joined the table. Winston took his glasses off and began cleaning them. ‘Admittedly Athena needs more work before returning to optimal security performance.’ Replied winston, placing his glasses back on his head. ‘Perhaps you should of put him back when you had the chance..’ he curtly added.

‘Bahh! He was er..too fast for me, in and out like a flash. I called Jack as soon as I saw him.’ Said Torbjorn abit too quickly. Winston smiled slightly and gave a small ‘hmph!’

The door opened once again as Jack and McCree entered the room. ‘Any trouble?’ Ana asked as they joined the table.

‘None, just running his mouth. I've left Genji guarding them.’ Jack said, sitting down. ‘Hana was outside, what if he saw her and she got hurt? And you Torbjorn.’

‘Ah he wasn't gonna hurt no one Jack.’ Torbjorn replied.

‘You can't be sure of that.’

‘Well I might of..spoken to him. But only for second before he ran off mind you!’

Jack raised his eyebrows and gave him a look. ‘Torbjorn..how long was he in the warehouse with you before you decided to call me?’

Torbjorn rubbed the back of his neck with his living hand. ‘Well er..now that I think about it..five minutes?’

Jack stared at him

‘Ten minutes..’

Jack continued to stare, his frown deepening.

‘Twenty minutes Commander..twenty minutes and I let him go in the tool locker.’ He said meekly

‘He blamed Athena Commander!’ Winston pointed at Torbjorn accusingly. Jack leant on his elbows and rubbed his face in exasperation as McCree threw his head back and laughed heartily. ‘Unbelievable’ Jack muttered through his fingers. ‘You are un-fucking-believable Lindholm.’

‘I had my reasons Jack, hear me out. I think the boys pretty smart. He worked out what was wrong with that Mech without barely looking at it. I was testing everything on that thing for over an hour. He waltzes over and gets it in seconds. Says he taught himself mechanics.’

‘Not just that’ Interjected McCree ‘Made his prosthetics too.’

‘What are you getting at Torbjorn?’ Asked Jack

‘I reckon the boy could work with me and Brigitte in the workshop.

Jack sat back in his chair and considered the offer, looking at Ana for her input.

‘He cant stay in that cell forever Jack. Frankly Fawkes is just one thing out of many that we have to deal with, and not the worse by far. He was rude, reckless and angry but when given plenty of opportunity harmed no one. Even after you broke his lip open, very well done by the way.’ She finished sarcastically.

Jack ignored the slight and looked to Dr Zeigler. ‘How was he with you?’

Angela folded her hands neatly in front of her. ‘He was afraid, he especially did not want to be in medical. Rutledge tells me he has a phobia of doctors and hospitals. I expect none the less from two amputations and goodness knows what else. He's also shown symptoms of anxiety and post traumatic stress disorder but this is just from a quick observation and I am no psychiatrist. He is reluctant to answer questions and I don't want to push the matter. In regards to Torbjorns suggestions I think it may work if handled well and he has clear boundaries.

He nodded, acknowledging her opinion. ‘Winston?’

‘What about Zenyatta and Bastion, we can't exactly hide them away?’

‘Simple. Touch the omnics and we kill you.’

‘Seems pretty fair’ said McCree

‘Got anything to say?’ Jack asked him.

‘Plenty since I been where he is now, you gave me a choice. Overwatch or Prison. Offer him the same. He's clearly god damn smart, he clearly can pack a lot of firepower. He comes with a goddamn tank. Reckon he could be an asset if we all play our parts nicely.’

‘He wont agree to working with us.’

‘So then he goes to prison where Talon could get him and whatever he has thats so important. He knows he’s better off here, lets make our lives easier and give him some freedoms. If it really goes up the creek we shoot him.’

‘We pose a threat to him as well Jack. Whatever he has wont be given over night and we will not harm him for it. We are not Talon. This is about trust on both sides, we have to earn his just as much as he needs to earn ours.’ Said Ana.

‘..I think it has potential to work.’ Jack said after a moment of consideration. ‘Could also go horribly wrong. But we do need to focus our attentions elsewhere and soon Ana, we need to debrief on your leads in Iraq and Oasis still. Fine, we’ll put this forward to Fawkes and see what him and his partner think.’ Jack made to move from his seat, when Lena's voice came through the rooms communicator. ‘Commander, vehicle approaching the base. Its Reinhardt and Brigitte.’

‘Send Reinhardt to briefing immediately Oxton.’

‘At once Commander.’ Her voice cut out

‘The rest of you fill him in.’ He told his team. ‘I'm going to get Fawkes.’

---------------------------------------------------------------

Once again he was back in a cell. At Least this time Roadhog was with him who sat on the bed watching his younger partner pace back and forth tugging at his hair and rambling to himself. Genji stood vigilant at the end of the hall making sure no one left or entered unauthorized. Roadhog was silent as usual, barely paying attention as Junkrat worked through his anxiety. He’d intervene when needed but for now he just wanted to rest his aching bones. God what he’d do for a hit of Hogdrogen right now. The sound of a metal fist hitting the wall brought his attention back.

‘That a good idea?’

‘Fuck off.’ Junkrat snarled.

‘Already busted, don't make it worse.’

Junkrat stopped pacing and inspected his hand, flexing the fingers. He was glad he was able to fix the synthetic nerves, but the phantom pain still throbbed relentlessly.

‘Yeah well, there's a workshop here. Proper stocked too.’

‘Stumble on it on your little tour?’

His tone made Junkrat narrow his eyes at him. ‘What did you expect me to do? You coulda been dead for all I knew.’

‘Ain't Junkertown here. Different rules. Not everyone's out for blood.’

‘You don't fucking know that. Don't know these people Hog. Look at what that old cunt did!’ He pointed to his split lip.

‘Did that to yourself.’

Junkrat stared at him Incredulously, ‘Did you not see that fucker wipe me out?’

‘Yeah, saw that. But it was your fault. Shoulda stayed put.’

‘I was fucking worried-!’

‘I was fine. You got upset and stupid. You know that's not a good mix. Shoulda stayed put and waited.’

Junkrat cursed and began pacing again, pausing to look at Roadhog. ‘Not staying here mate.’

‘Then give them what they want.’

‘Nah not happening.’

‘Then you have little choice.’

Junkrat moved closer to hog, lowering his voice. ‘If.. if I give it to them the first thing they’ll do is dump us at the nearest Cop shop.’

‘So don't give it to them.’

‘But then we’re fucking stuck here!’ He exclaimed, kicking the bed with his metal peg. ‘Fucking cunting hell mate I just wanted to sell it and live like a king. Didn't know how important it was, didnt know how dangerous-!’ He stopped himself, covering his mouth and returned to his pacing. Roadhog was watching him intently.

‘Just what the fuck do you have Rat..?’

‘Oh you suddenly care? Didn't even ask that when you agreed to protect me. Fuck mate, never even asked for that share.’

Roadhog grunted, ‘Got plenty from our heists.’

‘Yeah but….that was after the bar. Why the fuck did you help me back then?’

Roadhog was quiet for a long time before answering. ‘Had my reasons.’

‘Yeah like what?’

Before he could answer footsteps from down the hall drew their attention, Roadhog stood up gently moving Junkrat to step behind him as Morrison approached their cell and stopping outside Pulse rifle in his hands. He pushed a code into the control panel on the wall, the laser bars disappearing as the cell opened. ‘We’re ready for you.’ He said.

The briefing room was large, a circular table in the middle with a projection device in the centre. Junkrat walked down the steps taking note of those already seated around the table. Ana and the Monkey were there, as well as McCree and Torbjorn and Dr Zeigler. A old bearded giant of a man with a large scar over a missing eye sat at the table to Ana’s left. ‘Fuck me mate, thought you were big.’ Junkrat muttered over his shoulder to Roadhog. Morrison directed them to a couple of vacants seats. Junkrat smiled at Morrison with a hint of smugness and slouched down on the chair with his arms crossed acting like a schoolboy called to the head teachers office. He considered putting his feet up on the table but even he thought that might be pushing it too far. Roadhog didn't even bother attempting to sit down and chose to stand behind Junkrat. The room was silent as Morrison walked around the table sitting on Anas right and opposite the Junkers.

He nodded to the newcomer ‘This is Reinhardt Wilhelm. One of Overwatch's most prominent members and it's to my understanding you've met Torbjorn already..’ Torbjorn at least had the grace to look uncomfortable. ‘Now..’ said Jack, folding his hands on the table and addressing the Junkers. ‘It seems you may be here for sometime, you can leave of course once you give us what Talon want-’

‘Not giving ya anything mate!’

Jack held his hand up, signalling to the Junker to be quiet. ‘I understand now this will be long and delicate process. And at least whilst you are here Talon get nothing so there is that. The question is what do we do with you. I can’t waste my resources and team guarding your cell day and night and clearly you got a knack for escaping them.’ Junkrat giggled softly to himself as Jack regarded him for a moment and then sighed. ‘Fawkes, the world is on a brink of a second crisis. It's already started in Russia and Talon is somehow pulling the strings. I don't know how you play into this, I don't think you even know. But you are apart of this now, and you can help. There is a war coming and you need to choose a side.'

‘I don’t give a fuck about the world mate. It didn't give a fuck about us.’

‘So you would see it burn out of spite? Look Fawkes I understand you’re resentment, I also agree with you. Your government sold the outback settlers out.’ Jack tapped the table ‘You can make a contribution here. God knows you are due comeuppance after your multitude of crimes. Torbjorn informs me you have talent, and you are certainly smarter than you make out to be so here’s what we propose: You work with Torbjorn in the workshop. The base needs repairs as well as armor and weapons. Put your skills to a worthwhile cause, do that and we will give you certain freedoms here.’

Junkrat tilted back on his chair and narrowed his eyes at Morrison, weighing up his words. Eventually he leant back forward and flashed a grin. ‘Sorry mates, not interested.’ Roadhog growled deeply ‘ For fucks sake!’ He thought to himself. ‘ Idiot don't know a good thing when he sees it.’ He lifted one huge finger, signalling to Morrison for one moment before suddenly grabbing Junkrat by the arm and lifting him with ease off the chair and dragging him to the back of the room, ignoring his partners kicking, punching and cursing. He let go and waited as Junkrat straightened himself up, ‘What in the actual fuck Hog?!’ He snarled at him.

‘You really are a fucking idiot you know that?’ Roadhog growled pointing a large finger into his face.

‘This is a glorified prison! I aint doing shit for them!’

‘Then you don't get to do anything! Think Rat. You can't handle being bored and what's the alternative? An actual prison or death? Just ignore that voice in your head that tells you to be an absolute shit to authority and just think. ’

‘I aint fucking Overwatch mate, its for heroes and let's face it, we’re not exactly upstanding citizens!’

‘Neither are they anymore. This is illegal but in a..good way. Wasn't long ago you wanted to go legit remember?’

‘I remember it being your idea…’

‘Stop being stubborn.’

‘I'm not! I just..I don't..’ He rubbed the back of his neck looking towards the table, Morrison was whispering something to Ana. ‘Don’t trust him Hog..don’t trust any of them. They think I’ll just roll over and do what they want? What am I gonna get out of it? Haven't even got a con…’ His eyes lit up as a sudden golden thought filled his mind. ‘I fucking got it!’ He laughed, running back to the table and slamming both his hands on it. ‘A contract!’ He declared. ‘You want me here? You make it worth my while. Hire me and Hog for whatever you want blown up or killed and I guess I can help fix up some of your stuff.’

Jack leant towards him ‘And what exactly do you want in return Fawkes.’

‘Let's say you somehow defeat Cobra or whatever you call it and you save the fucking world. Pretty sure you’ll be in the UNs good books again after that, If that happen I want our criminal records totally wiped clean. Total fucking Immunity mate!’

‘Anything else?’

‘Yeah, I get to make me bombs here.’

‘Absolutely not!’

‘Look mate-!’

Ana raised her hand. ‘We negotiate the terms of this contract . ’ She looked between the two men. ‘And there must be give and take from both sides for this to work. Do we all understand?’ Both men reluctantly nodded. ‘Good’ she said curtly, ‘then let us begin.’

Over an hour was spent arguing and debating the terms, there was a lot of cursing and even a couple of threats. Finally though after what felt like a lot of back and forth a contract was written upon which all parties agreed on, albeit begrudgingly. Junkrat was to use his skills to aid the reformed Overwatch and In time when he saw fit he would share what Talon sought but the issue was not to be forced. Overwatch would give him and Roadhog protection and not to surrender him to authorities. Should the UN ever reinstate Overwatch they would put forward full Immunity for the pair. Whilst on base Junkrat and Roadhog were to be given accommodation with access to the common room and other living amenities, restricted access was allowed for the training barracks, armoury, labs and workshop under supervision. He could make blueprints for his bombs and make the shells, but anything explosive would need to be tested in the weapons barracks where the only one who could be hurt was him. Much arguing was had over the subject of the Omnics, Junkrat wanting to be done with them and scrapping them for parts before they got to him first. Finally with interjecting from Roadhog and the promise of being shot by Morrison and McCree he very reluctantly agreed to leave the bots alone on the condition they do they same.

‘So we are in agreement.’ Said Ana writing up the last of the contract and handing the pen to her Commander. ‘Jack if you may sign.’

‘This is gonna be interesting..’ McCree muttered to Winston sitting next to him. The Gorilla frowned, ‘Or a huge mistake.’ He replied.

Morrison signed the paper and got up from his seat walking around the table and placing the contract in front of the Junker. Junkrat gave him a shit eating grin as he took the pen from him, signing with messy handwriting and even drawing a smiley face. He stood up to his full height and faced the Commander. ‘Pleasure doing business with ya mate.’ He said and held his metal hand out to Morrison. Jack regarded the metal prosthetic before begrudgingly shaking the junkers hand. ‘ What the hell have I just done?’ he thought.

#overwatch #fanfic #meihem #mei ling zhou #junkrat #jamison fawkes

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dcomposing · 5 years

Text

jumin route rewrite???

ive had.... Issues with jumin's route since the first time i played it and im waiting out a 3 hour layover which means its time to self indulgently fix all of those problems right now in excruciating detail

for the record, i dont mean any disrespect towards cheritz -- i love mysme dearly and this is purely a self indulgent experiment to see what my ideal jumin route would have been! if you like his route as is thats totally fine! it just wasnt for me lmao

this was super fun to write and if this picks up i might do another route rewrite (and i might do it even if it doesnt because it was just that fun lol)

anyways this is REALLY long (literally its like 3k words all in outline form) so its gonna go under the cut lol

okay so: issues i had with jumin’s route that i want to address:

it moves WAY too fast — i mean all of the routes do to a certain degree; they’re only 11 days long but like... you’re literally engaged to him by the end of it which iirc, is something that is only replicated in seven’s normal ending (and even then i think its only implied?) and i get that the point is that jumin goes all out for the people he loves and is VERY certain that he loves you but it just feels... way too soon for my liking ESPECIALLY because you’re his first love! it just makes it feel like he’s caught up in the rush of being in love for the first time and isn’t thinking things through which... isn’t exactly the making of a great relationship lol. so for this re- write we’re gonna slow it WAY down because... oof.

the sarah and glam plot line happening concurrently with the mint eye/possessive jumin one makes the route feel overly busy. i actually have a similar issue with the echo girl/mint eye overlap in zen’s route but that’s a topic for another day lol. so i’m gonna try to delineate between the two a bit more so there’s less overlap.

SPEAKING OF possessive jumin lol... maybe its just my Personal Background bleeding in, but possessiveness is a really big red flag/trigger for me and i felt like it went WAY too far in his route. dgmw, i understand that its meant to be a character flaw and something he’s meant to overcome but i just feel like there are simpler ways to show that side of him without it becoming... as scary as it got. i wasn’t sure how to deal with it though -- i think it would best be expressed through smaller actions and the minutia of dialogue with the others (e.g. jumin refusing to send a photo of you into the chat room when zen asks if you’re alright, locking up elizabeth, etc.)

the canon first kiss with jumin happening both without your explicit consent AND just to drive sarah away is.... icky to me. especially because he MAKES EYE CONTACT WITH SARAH while kissing you??? i hate that cg lol. it just takes what should be a moment about the two of you and turns it into him using you to prove a point and i don’t like it at all. it’s not romantic and it feels... out of character for jumin to use someone he cares about like that. i have similar issues with the proposal happening right after he exposes glam and sarah. so lets make the kiss more genuine and nix the proposal entirely because it happens too quickly for comfort anyways.

with all of that in mind, i decided a fake dating plot would probably work best (and like i said, this is self indulgent and i’m a SUCKER for fake dating stories sooooo). it makes sure we hit all the beats of the glam/sarah plot line without shoving him and the mc into a relationship too quickly. it also means we can keep their first kiss as a big “fuck you” to sarah, but this time mc gets to be 100% in on the joke AND they get to have a “real” first kiss later on! that’s two (2!) kisses for the price of one folks.

i also decided that in order to streamline the plot a bit, the glam and sarah plot should end earlier, allowing for the mint eye plot to take center stage instead of being shoehorned in around a larger love triangle plot line. also glam and sarah are annoying and i don’t want to deal with them for six full days. the only downside is we don’t get to see v dunk on sarah at the party :-(

in lieu of a proposal for the necessary Big Romantic Gesture at the party, i thought it would be nice if jumin whisked you away from the party to paris or somewhere far away for a ridiculously extravagant first date literally in the middle of the party. not only is it ridiculously grandiose in and of itself, but in abandoning the party halfway through, it shows that jumin has grown into a more relaxed and spontaneous person through knowing you! he’s ready to throw caution to the wind and have fun with you (plus, Big Romantic Date cg!!)

day 5:

VN mode where we essentially get the exact same scene of chairman han telling jumin he wants him to marry sarah to make the merger with sugar round go more smoothly BUT this time jumin blurts out that he’s already with someone and that he didn’t want to go public with it yet. he assumes his father won’t press further, given that they’ve always had a mutual respect for one another’s privacy, but at glam’s insistence, chairman han says he wants to meet jumin’s partner. oh no!

jumin laments his situation to the rfa, resulting in pretty typical responses. zen laughs, yoosung is sympathetic but also kind of wishes it were just that simple for him to meet a wife. jaehee is worried that the inevitable fallout of this will result in more work for her. everything is business as usual until seven is like “ur so rich why don’t you just pay someone to pretend to date you lolol” and jumin (being, well, jumin) runs with it 100%. because they don’t have time to vet candidates (they’re supposed to have dinner with his dad tomorrow night!) he decides it should be someone he knows, but the majority of the other rfa members are already acquainted with his father via rfa events, making it more likely that he sees through the ruse. mc, however, has never met him, making them the perfect candidate! who would have thought lol

so they decide to move you into the penthouse that evening BUT before that can happen, they have to clear it with v because bomb, hacker, mint eye, etc. (yes this is how i’m choosing to do the bomb reveal lol). bonus, v gets to chide jumin about his dumb lie and we get a fun bff conversation with them!

final VN where you show up to the penthouse and you and jumin establish the parameters of your “relationship”. you decide that you’ll both sleep in his bed, just in case a cleaning staff member walks in and notices that he and his partner sleep separately and it ruins everything. establish what physical contact is and isn’t cool, etc, etc. you also decide that when the time comes, you’re going to tell his dad that the entire debacle with sarah put so much strain on your relationship that you had to break up. the hope being that chairman han will feel so bad about ruining things for jumin that he won’t try to force him into something like that ever again.

days 6-8:

you have dinner with his dad and answer pretty typical “meeting the parrents” questions. he asks what you guys did for your first date and jumin tells a 100% fake story about taking you to dinner on top of the eiffel tower and kissing you beneath the stars and the chairman is satisfied. that doesn’t mean that glam and sarah are though. they decide to do some sleuthing to prove that you guys aren’t really dating.

this is the fun part where we get to hit most of the beats of ur typical fake dating story! you and jumin get to know each other really well, albeit kind of superficially (favorite foods, fun childhood stories, etc. etc. nothing too heavy yet.) you guys cook together for the first time, cue cg of jumin with like... idk tomato sauce on his cheek or something. you watch a movie together and elizabeth falls asleep on your lap and jumin dies on spot idk

this is also where your first kiss happens, and pretty much in the same way except its much more mutual and he doesn’t look at sarah this time because his focus is on trying to make it look like he doesn’t even care that she’s there because you’re the only thing he cares about. (which.... isn’t actually hard for him to do at all)

chatrooms are pretty typical for this timeframe — you guys all know the drill. the other members are like “wow they seem really close” and speculate on whether or not you guys are actually together. zen is worried that jumin is going to force himself on you (wolves, etc.). yoosung is jealous that jumin gets to hang out with you. jaehee is upset that jumin is neglecting his work.

VAGUE mentions of weird activity on the messenger, but nothing too serious sounding. just enough to make jumin nervous -- esp with sarah and glam on his back still. this is when he locks elizabeth up.

day 8, the chairman learns that sugar round is worthless and that glam and sarah have been duping him the whole time. they’re disgraced and are never heard from again so... problem solved but this also means that you and jumin no longer have a reason to stay “together”... and you’re both kind of falling for each other so obviously that’s no good. you spend one last night in the penthouse before resolving to break things off officially in the morning. the other members talk about how sad you guys both seem to be parting.

BAD STORY END 1:

if you shy away at the fake intimate gestures (hand holding, hugging, etc), and pointedly answer incorrectly when asked a question about jumin that you should know the answer to, your ruse fails and you guys are caught faking the relationship. to avoid the scandal breaking to the press, jumin winds up marrying sarah anyways.

the branch point for this one would be right before the kiss scene, if you’re on track for the good end then the kiss happens, if not, you’re forced to shove him away when he goes in for it, revealing to sarah that you guys are frauds.

the cg would be him and sarah at the press release for their engagement announcement. sarah’s all smiles and jumin is... pretty understandably miserable looking. a reporter asks him about the other person he was in a relationship with prior to his engagement to sarah, and he reads off a line about how sarah captivated him like no one else ever could in an emotionless voice.

BAD RELATIONSHIP END 1:

if you do fine during the VN portions, but aren’t active enough in the chats, then the fake relationship plan works, but afterwards its just... really awkward. once the whole mint eye thing ends you’re pretty much just excommunicated from the rfa since you... didn’t really seem to like them all that much.

day 9:

a huge attack on the messenger happens, coupled with explicit threats directed at mc, sending everyone into such a panic that ending your fake relationship is the last thing on anyones mind. jumin is so fucking scared that he’s going to lose you, and muses in the chatroom about why he’s more scared for your safety than he would be if it were, say, yoosung being threatened (cue yoosung’s crying emoji lmao). everyone else is like “well clearly its because you’re in love with them”

anyways. they decide its for the best if you continue to stay at the penthouse and in spite of everything, you’re both... kind of relieved lol.

everything is all fine and dandy until elizabeth III runs away, ramping jumins anxiety up to 11 like... right away

this is where we really start to see behavior more along the lines of what happens in his route, you suggest the two of you leave and search for elizabeth, and he refuses to let you go, etc. etc.

it sort of turns into a fight, but it all works out in the end. he tells you about rika and elizabeth and why she means so much to him, and you guys talk about how fear of losing someone important to him can’t rule his life, and that its one thing to be careful, but another entirely to try to control someone else’s behavior because of fear.

you convince him to get some sleep, assuring him that elizabeth will turn up soon and that he’s going to be alright. you guys fall asleep next to eachother without even thinking about it. its not until jumin mentions something about waking up next to you in the chat the next day that the rest of the gang is like “uhhhh,,,, why are you guys still sharing a bed”

MEANWHILE lol seven and yoosung arrive at mint eye and find elizabeth, just like what happens in canon. they decide to bring her back tomorrow.

BAD STORY END 2:

obligatory mint eye ending. if you’re too aggressive and forward with jumin and don’t give him time to properly process his feelings, he doesn’t offer to let you stay at the penthouse, relying on seven’s assurance that the apartment is totally secure (it’s not). saeran breaks in and takes you away.

this branch happens pretty early in the day, before elizabeth escapes.

i thought about a cg for this one but tbh... there are so many saeran and mc at mint eye BE cgs that idk what i could come up with that wouldn’t be super derivative lol

BAD RELATIONSHIP END 2:

again, because you’re only talking to jumin and not the rest of the rfa, he assumes that you don’t like being in the rfa very much BUT he still likes you... a lot and is very worried about your safety re: hacker, AND because he still hasn’t really dealt with his issues regarding v/rika/emotions, you guys decide to just straight up leave lol. you move to a different country where he can pretty much continue doing his work remotely while keeping you safe.

the cg for this one is the two of you in a different cushy apartment somewhere. you’re making dinner while he works. its... stable, but noticeably stiff. neither of you are talking much and his dialogue is pretty stilted. its pretty clear that he regrets abandoning his friends and is unhappy.

day 10:

3AM chat with zen where he speaks entirely in thinly veiled hypotheticals about you guys. (“well, if i thought i could have a shot with someone i really loved, i think i would take that chance and tell them, even if i might get shot down. and even if that person was a huge ass who my sexy white-haired best friend hated. i would tell them how i felt”)

seven secures the messenger again and the threat is declared neutralized! you’re safe to go home but neither you nor jumin want that at all.

yoosung brings elizabeth back around 9, and it proceeds pretty similarly to what happens in his route: he’s wary about taking her back because he feels that he’s mistreated her, you’re like “whoa buddy you’re going too far in the opposite direction here” and you and v have to convince hm that its going to be okay. the only real difference is that v doesnt also have to convince him to let you go. he just says something about how the two of you seem to bring out the best in each other, and that jumin is brighter when you’re around.

later, jumin (tries) to make you lunch using the cooking skills you taught him a few days ago as a final payment (since you refused actual money) for all of your help, both with his father and with elizabeth, but he winds up ordering in instead. its very cute BUT its super awkward because neither of you has said anything about not wanting to leave.

finally you have to face the music and pack your bags. you hug jumin goodbye and make him promise to still get lunch with you sometime before heading back to rika’s apartment sadly.

everyone is like “yo what the fuck???” and its actually yoosung of all people who is finally like “this is ridiculous. you two clearly have feelings for each other and you need to deal with it”

jumin is absent from most of the chatrooms for the rest of the day though, so he doesn’t really see anything until he forces himself to log on later that night and is like “oh”

and YES of course this is going to culminate in a typical romcom scene where he has driver kim race to the apartment so he can pound on the door and apologize to you and tell you how he feels!! maybe it even happens in the rain just to maximize romance. the important thing here is that you finally kiss him for real this time and its perfect.

BAD STORY END 3:

pretty much jumin’s BE2, if you werent assertive enough with him re: his possession/control issues on day 9, he never gets over them. when elizabeth is returned he locks her back up and insists that you continue to stay with him as well, canon BE2 ensues.

i gotta hand it to cheritz. its a really good bad ending and theres not much i wanna change about it. its so scary in a calm sort of way, which i think is the perfect vibe for a dangerously unhealthy jumin. if only people would stop fetishizing it lolol

party (GE ver):

date is technically a work function. especially when the fake first date you told his father was so perfect. he then decides that the two of you have been there long enough to fulfill your obligations, and that no one could really begrudge you if you “took off” a little early. you guys fly to paris that night and have that dinner on top of the eiffel tower.

the ending cg isn’t a kiss one, but a more simple, sweet one of the two of you in a dimly lit restaurant, jumin listening to you talk with the most tender, loving look in his eyes.

party (NE ver):

you and jumin mingle with the guests and the other members for a bit, but as the evening goes on, jumin gets restless. he pulls you aside and tells you that, while you did a wonderful job planning the party, he can’t help but regret that your guys’ first date is technically a work function. especially when the fake first date you told his father was so perfect. he laments the fact that if he was caught shirking responsibilities to take you on a real date, the press would have a field day with it, but promises to make it up to you, and take you out on a proper one tomorrow.

this cg is the two of you dancing at the rfa party, jumin resting his chin on the top of your head and daydreaming out loud about everything the two of you could do on your real first date.

#jumin stans please dont come for me jfgjflkjlkjdl #jumin han #mystic messenger #mysme jumin

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artificialqueens · 6 years

Text

Alaska's Christmas Extravaganza ~ Hobnob

AN: You know, i love this time of year but people seem to really miss the true meaning of Christmas. I felt obliged to put it into context for the lovely folks at home. Lets have a look at some reviews shall we?

“The spelling was ok.”- Daily Mail

“There was a good attempt there.” -The Sunday Times

“I think i need to watch the show before getting any of this sweetie.” -My Mum

I hope Shangela reads this and finds the strength to win AS3~ Hobnob

–The scene sets in a small living room, adorned with various Christmas ornaments strung up around the mantlepiece. A crackling log fire fills the air with a certain smell akin to the time of year, and occasionally spits the odd ember onto the beige carpeted floor. An artificial tree in the far corner emits a low hum as it partially lights the dim room. Three individuals inhabit the area, sitting on a rather worn looking sofa whilst watching BBC news in ugly Christmas sweaters.–

Jinkx: Alaska you little shit.

Alaska: Hiee.

Jinkx: The nextdoor neighbours said you smothered their Christmas tree in faeces and ate their dog.

Alaska: (Gnawing at a bone) I can’t help it. Christmas is shit.

Jinkx: (Getting up and turning the telly off) You’re gonna have to go get it together before we go to my nans Christmas party on Saturday.

Alaska: If you make me go i’ll set her milky eyes on fire!

Jinkx: Jesus christ Alaska thats messed up.

Alaska: Yeah well you’re jewish. You don’t even celebrate Christmas.

Alaska: Christmas can suck my wang!!

Roxxxy: (Speaking up with a mouth full of mince pies #thickandjuicy) Sounds like you need…the spirit of Christmas.

Alaska: The spirit of Christmas?

Roxxxy: Didn’t you know? Legend says Shangela has the ability to grant unlimited holiday cheer with a single holy halleloo.

Alaska: Gay.

Roxxxy: (Sobbing, but continuing to eat) Its not gay Alaska!

Roxxxy: And you’d better find your Christmas cheer before Jinkxseses nans party.

Alaska: I don’t see it for me but ok.

Jinkx: I won’t have you ruining it like last year.

Alaska: Wasn’t that bad.

Roxxxy: You killed 5 salvation army workers with a decorative star.

Alaska: And I’d do it again!!!

Alaska: I couldn’t care less about that party. I don’t care for Christmas. Tiny Tim can contract ebola!!

Roxxxy: (Checking her casio sports watch) I’m late for the bus guys gtg. Bingo is in half an hour.

Alaska: Hmmmm…the spirit of Christmassssss🤔🤔🐍sssounds gay…

–Alaska gets up and walks to the window. The snowfall isn’t all that heavy as small flakes are illuminated by a street lamp with lewd drawings carved into the side. She could drive around to find the Shangela, except she owned a BMW, and rear wheel drive is shit in winter so she’d probably crash into some schoolboys on their way home.–

Alaska: Jinkx i need a lift.

Jinkx: I can’t, my cars in the shop.

Jinkx: you keyed the entirety of Aja’s Valentina speech on it last week.

–A shadowy figure in a Santa hat approaches the window and taps the glass with a skeletal finger.–

Ru: It’s me, God!

Ru: Wait.

Ru: It’s me, Rupaul!

Alaska: Rupaul? I thought Miss Fame set you on fire for eating meat?

Ru: (Neck rolling) My body is an illusion chiilde. My existence is merely a string of conscious decisions ive made prior to this mortal realm.

Alaska: Party.

Alaska: Please mawma. Help me find Shangela so I won’t be a cunt to my loved ones all the time.

Ru: Well…i suppose I’m all out of queens to block on twitter…

Ru: Aight lets make this quick, i have a bingo game in half an hour.

–They both get in Rupauls Toyota Camry and speed off whilst remaining under the speed limit. Road safety is important at this time of year as 70% of road collisions occur at Christmas.–

Alaska: (Shedding her skin) Where the bloody hell would Shangela be?

Ru: In todays maxi challenge, we’ll be traveling to the happiest place on earth!

Alaska: Lapland?

Ru: Close.

Ru: Scotland!

Alaska: Oh.

Alaska: (Hissing at the radio) Change the station rupaul this is making my ears bleed.

Ru: Oh? But this is the latest hit off my smashing Christmas album, ‘The beggining of the realness glamazonian peanut walk-the rumix.’

Alaska: Well turn it off. Its upsetting Jinkxes nan.

–The pair of them turn around to see Jinkxes nan having a Christmas seizure.–

Ru: If you don’t like it Alaska, get out. I don’t have to put up with tomfuckery. I’m God!

Ru: Wait.

Ru: No yes thats right.

–Alaska ejects the CD and throws it outside at a schoolboy. She takes a CD from her bra and pops it in as one of her many compelling songs begins to play.–

Alaska: Anus now available at your closest pound world.

Ru: Get out.

–Alaska is thrown out the car into a pile of snow.–

Alaska: Fuck you Rupaul you saggy bastard!!

Ru: See you at all stars 17 lad.

Ru: (Neck rolling) Oh you…forgot this.

–Rupaul throws Jinkxes nan into the pile of snow and speeds off.– Alaska: Shit.

–Alaska spots a warm glow in the distance. On further inspection it’s a humble pub. She approaches it, stepping over Jinkxes nan along the way. Once inside she spots a booth of old geezers.–

Alaska: Mrs. Kasha Davis? Tempest Dujour? Why you here?

Mrs. Kasha Davis: Us old folk have a hard time finding a place to stay during winter, and you know what they say!

Alaska: There’s always time for a cocktail?

Mrs. Kasha Davis: No. Mrs. Kasha Davis: (Tearing up) I have no grasp of my drinking problem and I’m sadder than I’ve ever been help me please.

Alaska: Lol hiee.

Tempest: Your aura is jacked. What’s troubling you?

Alaska: I need to find Shangela. Legend says a single halleloo can light a soul on fire with Christma-

Tempest: Dont talk to me about legend you lanky shit. I invented that story.

Tempest: Besides, that’s just a myth i created.

Alaska: But why Tempest?

Tempest: To get those kids off my danm lawn!

Charlie: (Raising her pint) Here here!

Alaska: Then that means…I’m doomed to hate Christmas forever…

Mrs. Kasha Davis: Yeah looks like it.

Alaska: I think I’ll go watch the Sherlock Christmas special.

Alaska: Thanks for literally nothing.

–Alaska hangs her head and pushes a pint glass off the table sadly :( She begins to exit the pub.–

Charlie: Wait!!! You have passed the test.

Alaska: (Turning back around) Pardon?

Charlie: Most people prefer the Doctor Who Christmas special, but the Sherlock Christmas special is far superior. You have passed the test.

–The seniors huddle together and whisper amongst themselves before turning back to Alaska.–

Tempest: Shangela is in fact real.

Tempest: We were only goofing you before because you’re sort of a dick.

Alaska: So Shangela is in the happiest place on earth Scotland?

Mrs. Kasha Davis: (Guffawing) Dont be silly.

Mrs. Kasha Davis: Scotland doesn’t exist. Shangela lives in Sheffield, up in the block of flats behind Lidl.

Tempest: I hear the Lidl fruit cake is very good this year.

Mrs. Kasha Davis: Yes Ive heard that too.

Tempest: Mmm very good.

Charlie: Bit too dense for me. Gives me diarrhoea.

–They all look around to Alaska who’s disappeared.–

Tempest: Shit.

–Around an hour later and Alaska finds herself outside a large council estate. She travels up the flight of stairs to a door with a Christmas wreath. She rips it off the door and knocks. A Christmas present rolls out the door and Shangela pops out.–

Shangela: Haleoo?

Alaska: Hiee are you…

Alaska: (Looking down at her hand) Shanjello?

Shangela: Maybe i am. maybe i arent.

Shangela: I just huffed an entire tube of paint i genuinely don’t know anymore.

Alaska: This entire holiday is aids.

Alaska: I got frostbite on the way up and i left Jinkxes nan to die in a pile of snow.

Alaska: I need some Christmas spirit.

Shangela: (Taking out a fat blunt and taking a massive chong) Listen here you lanky shit.

Shangela: Many before you have tried, and most have failed.

Shangela: Just like on drag race, consequence for failure…is death.

Alaska: I’m not sure that’s correct.

Shangela: Yeah sorry its the drugs.

Shangela: Alright go get me some Lidl fruit cake and i’ll give you my sweet Christmas goo.

Alaska: Ok but i never want to hear the phrase ‘sweet Christmas goo’ ever again.

Alaska: Biee

Shangela: (Waving and grinning) No problem giant purple rat.

Shangela: Is the sky melting?

–Alaska makes her way inside Lidl and grabs a big ol fruit cake. At the counter she couldn’t help but feeling she knew the cashier dressed up in a reindeer costume. She pushes a schoolboy over and places her baked Christmas goods on the counter along with a litre bottle of tizer which was only a quid insane bargain.–

Raja: 3 quid mate.

Alaska: Raja??? You work in Lidl???

Raja: Aye.

Raja: You know how it is. Crippling debt and all that.

Raja: Turns out 75,000 pounds goes quickly if you spend it all on grey hair dye.

Alaska: I didn’t ask but ok, werk.

Raja: What are you doing here? You hate Christmas and seasonal foods.

Alaska: it’s not for me, Shangela is exchanging Cake for Christmas spirit.

Raja: (Gasping) That idea is a boot from me. Shangela is a very vengeful and evil spirit!

Raja: OI RAVEN.

Raven: (From across the room working another counter) WHAT.

Raja: THE CUNTS ONLY GONE AND MADE A DEAL WITH SHANGELA.

Raven: WELL GET HER OUT THE STORE I WONT BE CLEANING UP BLOOD OFF THE FLOOR.

Raja: (Turning back to Alaska) Would you like a bag for an extra 5p?

Alaska: Vengeful spirit? What are you on about?

Raja: Well, back on our season there happened to be a Christmas challenge…

Raja: All was going well. The room was full of seasonal cheer! That was all until a large box was rolled out and we were all proper gagged.

Raja: Shangela popped out of the box after being eliminated from last season. She was ready to snatch the crown by any means necessary.

Raja: As it turns out she did so badly in the challenge, she landed herself in the bottom 2 once again.

Raja: Fuelled by her hatred for tulle fabric and Mimi Imfurst, she managed to stay in the competition. But at a cost…

Raja: Ever since, she’s hated Christmas! And steals the souls of those who cannot bring her Christmas cake!!

Raven: RAJA DID YOU TELL HER THE STORY?

Raja: I’M TELLING IT NOW FUCK OFF.

Alaska: (Hands over the money) Sounds fake.

Alaska: See you at Jinkxes nans party!

Raja: Bye.

Raja: Daft cunt…

–Back outside Shangela’s door, Alaska knocks three times. Did she have anything to worry about? Was Raja’s warning true?–

Shangela: Haleoo?

Alaska: I brought you fruit cake.

Shangela: Who are you?

Alaska: We met 10 minutes ago.

Shangela: Ah! Giant purple rat!

–Alaska hands over the cake and Shangela observes it for a moment.–

Shangela: This…this i-is not Christmas fruit cake…

Alaska: Oh man really? Haa i must’ve picked up partytime gyozas by accident my bad.

Shangela: (Fists trembling as she goes red) YOU HAVE MADE A TERRIBLE MISTAKE..

Alaska: Omf the look on your face right now…priceless.

Alaska: Hey what’s your wifi password?

Shangela: IM-IM.

–Shangela begins to transform as she morphs into a disgusting snowman creature. Finally she lets out a blood curdling screech and lunges at Alaska.–

Shangela: HAAALEEELOOOOOOOOOOO

Alaska: (Dodging Shangela’s punch) Hmm i think Raja may of been on to something…

Alaska: I’d better get out of here huh.

–Alaska begins to boot it down the stairs, Shangela hot on her heels, throwing glasses of Absolut cocktails at her. Alaska’s lanky knees give way as she clatters to the floor. She was at the mercy of Shangela, who towered over her menacingly.–

Shangela: I DONT HAVE A CHRISTMAS CAKE IVE NEVER HAD A CHRISTMAS CAKE IF I WANTED CHRISTMAS CAKE YES I PROBABLY COULD GO OUT AND GET ONE BECAUSE I AM WHAT? HUNGRY. YOU COULD NEVER HAVE A CHRISTMAS CAKE BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT THAT KIND OF GIRL BABY EVERYTHING I HAVE EATEN IVE WORKED FOR AND GOTTEN MYSELF I HAVE BUILT MYSELF FROM THE GROUND UP YOU FUCKING BITCH.

Alaska: (Cowering and shaking in fear) IM SO CONFUSED IS THIS A REFERENCE TO SOMETHING?

–Suddenly a Toyota Camry screeches to a halt. The door opens and it’s Rupaul!–

Ru: Alaska! Get in!

–Alaska picks herself off the floor and hops in the car. They speed away as Shangela runs after them, her snowman body gaining power in the heavy snow.–

Alaska: Rupaul? Why did you come back?

Ru: Ive been listening to Anus!

Ru: I relate a lot to the message of nails.

–Shangela lets out another roaring halleloo as she continues to throw acid cocktails. Alaska cooks up an idea stew.–

Alaska: Ru! Drive back to Jinkxes house!

Ru: What? Why? She’ll destroy the place!

Alaska: Trust mawma.

–When they arrive at Jinkxes house Ru does a sick tailspin and stops in the driveway. They leg it inside as a confused Jinkx is setting out party foods and drinks.–

Alaska: JINKX! DID YOU BUY CHRISTMAS FRUIT CAKE FOR THE PARTY?

Jinkx: What? Yeah it’s my nans favourite.

Alaska: Your nan is dead Jinkx!

Alaska: Go get the fucking cake!!

Jinkx: Wait what?

Alaska: No time to explain go grab the cake!!

Jinkx: Did you say my nan-

Alaska: Jinkx really gurl priorities. Get the fucking cake.

–Jinkx goes into the kitchen and comes back with the baked goods in hand. Alaska hurries to the front door and swings it open to find a now 50 ft tall Shangela running towards the house. She readies her throwing arm into Shangela’s agape mouth and takes aim.–

Alaska: Merry Christmas.

Alaska: motherfucker.

–She throws it with her massively lanky arms as it lands in Shangela’s throat. Shangela munches for a bit before nodding her head and returning to her original size.–

Shangela: Bloody good cake that. Aight you’ve earned your Christmas spirit Alaska.

Alaska: Thanks.

Alaska: But you know, i don’t think i need it.

Alaska: I’ve learnt that Christmas isn’t about Holiday spirit, or even our loved ones.

Alaska: It’s about food. I get it now.

Ru: Good job chiiilde. You figured it out.

Ru: Looks like my work here, (Winks) is done.

Alaska: But where will you go?

Ru: Wherever I’m needed.

Ru: Plus i hear Michelle got in trouble with the feds for smuggling coke in her boobs, so i’d better go help her out.

Alaska: Bieeeee.

–People start arriving for the Christmas party. Tempest Dujour, Mrs. Kasha Davis, Charlie Hides, Raja, Raven and even Roxxxy take their places at the table and begin to chow down on the delicious munchies. Just before Alaska goes inside Shangela lets out a small cough.–

Shangela: Hey, I’m sorry about earlier. You’ve taught me the true meaning of Christmas, and I’m forever grateful for that henny.

Alaska: You know…there is an extra place at the table since we killed Jinkxes nan…

Alaska: Want to join us?

Shangela: Well, i am out of paint to huff…

Shangela: You know what? Halleloo i do!!

–And so everyone gathered around for this most festive of holidays, rejoicing and eating those mini sausage rolls that taste better cold. Roxxxy’s bingo game went well, the old folks had a place to stay, Jinkx was sobbing into the tablecloth, and most importantly, Alaska had found out the true meaning of Christmas. Merry Christmas to one and all reading this, and i hope you go to Lidl for your shopping this festive season. Halleloo.–

#hobnob #christmas fic #alaska thunderfuck #jinkx monsoon #roxxxy andrews #mrs kasha davis #charlie hides #tempest dujour #raja gemini #raven #rpdr fanfiction #submission #shangela laquifa wadley #crack fic #rupaul

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kpop-drabble · 7 years

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SEVENTEEN AS DADS

Vernon - The “Cool” Dad - always attempting to be your friend more than a father figure, attempts to get their child to spill the latest ‘gosp’ - “dad what the hell is gosp” “its teenage lingo for gossip, i keep up with you youngsters” - cue eye rolling - he’s incredibly chill about nearly everything and allows them to do whatevee they want, for the most part. - the only restriction is that it can’t be illegal - and if it is he told them to lie about who their father was. - all their friends are jealous over how ‘cool’ of a dad their have, no matter how many times they tell them how uncool he truly is he has everyone tricked that he’s some super dad

Soonyoung - The Embarrassing Dad - insists on making their kids lunch one time and puts an embarrassing “have a good day love you -Dad” in the bag without warning. - all their friends cooed and haven’t let them live it down since. - he’s the type to make embarrassingly bad dad jokes when talking to others and then looks over at their kid for a reaction - a pitiful thumbs up and embarrassed smile is the best kind of reaction that he’s looking for - constantly trying to talk to their kids friends when they’re over - “why doesn’t that one friend come over anymore?” “because you broke out the baby pictures last time and i would rather not relive your hour ling stories about the past, and neither would she”

Seungkwan - The emotional dad - constantly crying - oh my god their kids have never seen a grown man cry so much in their lives - always reminiscing about their kids past and getting emotional about how big they’ve gotten - at every graduation that the child has lives through theres always friends that make comment about his screaming once you get on stage - every picture you have to commemorate this moment has a very red eyed blotchy faced Seungkwan, their child always looks less than impressed. - it’s nice to have a dad so passionate about their child but sometimes you just need someone that wont cry because you’ve made your first purchase with your own money that you made from your first job

Seokmin - The Scrapbooking Dad - always insisting on taking pictures - it doesnt matter the occasion, it doesn’t matter how relevant any of it is, he wants a picture and he wants it now. - his kids could make those “365 pictures throughout the year” collage videos you find on the internet dating back to their toddler years just from how many pictures Seokmin had taken. - he has a bookcase full of scrapbooks hes made - he takes the time to decorate them, with pretty stickers and dates each picture with a short description of each. - its not just a picture book, its a life story showcasing every little insignificant thing that his kids have accomplished since birth. - “dad, can we please take that picture of me on the potty off?” “no, its the first time you took a shit and i didn’t have to clean a diaper, it’s staying for memory sake”

Seungcheol - Over protective dad - they cab only have a phone because he insists on using the find your friends app when his kids go out just to make sure that if anything happens he could always find their kid and help out - if they’re one minute past curfew expect said phone to be blown up with questions about where they are. - “you were suppose to be home at 10:00 its now 10:02, i checked traffic and it is light so there isnt any excuse” - is protective and inforces his rules but isn’t terribly rude and would never actually punish his kids (he’s too soft, but ultimatey just wants the best for them) - interogates any significant other that their child brings home, and as they protest in embarassment he simply says hes making sure to rule out any one not worthy of their time. - always has their best interests in mind though they may not realize it until they’re much older - probably has a bat near his bed so if needed he could protect them from anything and anyone who trys to hurt their kid

Jeonghan - The Charming Dad - all their kids friends are completely endeared by him - they’ve heard the word DILF to describe him one too many times that its starting to take some effect on their mental wellbeing - he’s able to talk himself out of many things and their kids have had to sit by idly as they watched their dad talk up another worker to attempt to get some sort of discount - probably has pictures of the family around the house solely to show off how attractive all of them are when guest comes over - he’s ultimately very proud of how beautiful his family has come out, and wants the world to know about how absurdly beautiful they are compared to other families. - its not opinion its Fact.

Jihoon - Passive but Encouraging Dad - not very good at showing how much they love their kids but try their very hardest without having to say directly that he loves them - shows he cares by encouraging their dreams and never tries to hold them back from their dreams - he may not be very involved in their kids lifes but when they come to him with something they claim to be passionate about he’s suddenly #1 dad. - he’ll always be the first to encourage them to chase after whatever they want - and even if they drop it after a couple weeks because it wasn’t exactly the right fit Jihoon will accept it and continue to support them through any other projects they wished to pursue. - their kids know that he loves them through those kind of actions.

Mingyu - The Expirmentive Dad - always trying out new recipes for dinner - his kids have started becoming wary after the his few failed attempts and know to prepare something to eat afterwards just incase his experiment doesnt work out in his favour - never follows a reciepe - “dad it said a tea spoon not a cup” “it’s better this way, just trust me.” - it was not better this way. - he tries his very hardest to make good dishes for his family and sometimes they actually turn out decent. - and when they dont, no matter if mingyu himself knows it wasn’t the best, his kids say it was good while only eating a couple bites of it - he’s grateful that they eat the prepared foods somewhere that hes not (sometimes he goes to their room and they share their snacks with him, but thats only when he’s failed terribly and hes gone desperate)

Chan - The Involved dad - Their child is apart of a school club? he’ll be apart of it just as much. - “Do you guys want me to make snacks?” “Dad its not necessary-” “i’ll pack snacks.” - always insists on going to parent teacher night to talk with each of their kids teacher one on one, he doesnt do it because he thinks his kids are miss behaving just solely for the opprotunity to be apart of their kids lifes just that much more - was their kids soccer couch for most of their junior soccer days, but when their kids approached them about joining a different team he unwillingly allowed them to do so to allow them to be happy - he still attenda each game and became the most embarrassing side line dad at the game - “signs are necessary” chan ignores their kids as he pours another large amount of glitter onto the atrocious sign with his kids name and number on it.

Junhui - The Teasing Dad - constantly making jokes about their kid, it mostly happens when they have friends over or when theyre at a family get together - some how always managing to make their child the center of attention at the family dinners, each family member taking turns to tease his kid. - he definitely does not attempt to stop it because he was the one that started it and seeing his kids get all embarrassed is kind of a highlight to being a father. - Is probably always trying to get a hug or affection from their child especially when friends are around just to embarrass them that much more - He doesn’t mind being rejected in front of all their friends when he goes in for a hug, because the embarrassed hiden smile that his kid has when they turn back to apologize to their friend is enough of a reward

Jisoo - The Overly-Loving Father - he’s wanted to be a dad since he was a child and now that he’s able to do so he doesnt waste any opprotunity to remind his kid about how much he loves them - sometimes he shows his love in materialistic manners - he buys they loads of gifts for every special occasion and still insists on making them do an easter chocolate egg hunt well into their teenage years - he gets really creative when it comes to things like this so their child doesnt really mind, the chocolate is always a bonus - is always trying to get family outings to be a thing and his favourite holiday is family day. Definitely family day because he can use it as an excuse to force his kids to spend time with him.

Wonwoo - The helpful dad - the stereotype that dads are suppose to be good at physical labour such as fixing cars and doing sports falls short when it comes to wonwoo - he couldn’t necessarily fix their car if they asked him to but he could help them ace their physics exam - and if they didn’t wish to read a book that was assigned for english, he’s probably already read it front to back more than once and is more than willing to help them out - he’s not too anal about good grades but encourages them to try their hardest - they’ve probably had to sit through a small half hearted lecture about genuinely putting their best into things when Wonwoo feels like their grades are slipping

Minghao - The “I didn’t sign up for this” Dad - never really meant to become a dad but it ??? sort of happened and he enjoys it he just was never ready to become one - therefore he really doesn’t know what to do. - during toddler years he’d make any excuse not to be alone with the baby for too long, too frighten that he’d mess it up so severly that he usually calls over his mom to help out - he’s gotten better over the years but still doesn’t properly know how to dad - tries more to be a friend than a dad - whenever their child is in trouble, lets the other parent do the scolding and then retreats up to their childs bedroom with a bowl of icecream to try and make amends better. -he’s sort of getting the hang of things but their kids highly doubt he ever fully will know what being a parent consists of. - but thats okay, he’s trying his very best.

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becomingstrong1289 · 7 years

Text

5/17/17

Ive been sad lately. I’ve been sad for a long time. Years i think. Maybe decades at this point. Life is so hard. This bipolar thing is really starting to make sense. Its like I’m so depressed and then i get an energy about me and i want to do everything all at once and then i get too overwhelmed and irritated and go right back down to depressed. Is it normal to feel like this. It surely is affecting my life. My job is on its last leg, my relationship with Shawn is all over the place, i lose it with the kids and dont have enough energy to be what they need. But this is who ive always been. In highschool i was a depressed mess. Growing up the way i did really didn’t give me a good baseline. is that possible to not have a healthy baseline.

Work: My plan has been for awhile, go to coding and find a job in that. Annie said it started at $17/hr. Eventually figure out how to go home to work. Once Owen is in school go back for nursing at Saint Anthony’s for my bachelors. It seems so easy. Cardiology is just a cluster fuck with a lot a lot of attitude. I hope this new girl comes in and makes it back to the way it was. I was thinking about attempting to take over putting on holters. Maybe that will get the nurses off my back. Its just unfair to me that i spend so much time on something that isnt necessary and then on a whim get asked to do something for someone else when no one is willing to help me. They only room pts if it is absolutely necessary. I guess nursing is all in the computer now. They cant even look away for a moment. i know there are better ways to deal with things. Today i wanted to figure out how i was going to take a lunch break. That meant asking Tana for help. But she had a meeting at noon and wouldnt be back until 3. So i thought i was fucked. She said i could go at 11, i was so negative and pessimistic i didnt see any other option. I feel like ive been sick for 3 weeks and its bringing me down. I got strep, the antibiotics affected me very negatively, and then i thought i was pregnant for like 2 weeks. One test even came out slightlly positive. Then i finally get my period and it is awful. The pain today was almost enough to make me go home. My body is throwing me for a loop. Im scared to take this stupid medicine for my thyroid, i feel sick, i have a fever constantly, my head is crazy, i have depression and anxiety, this divorce is killing me, i dont want it, i never did but its just happening anyway. i got the paper work. josh is starting to become a stranger to me. its just the weirdest feeling i hate being a single mom of two kids. im so tired and stretched thin. i put all my effort into things like cooking healthy and making sure they bath and brush their teeth twice a day correctly and doing natalies hair nicely and keeping my house clean for us. i see other people who dont do these things. Jodie said i should be more proud of myself for what i do. its hard to be proud and exhausted. is it worth the effort. are there things my energy could be put forth. is health and hygiene and cleanliness so important. Im so down, its getting harder and harder to see the joy in things. im so scare of getting on antidepressants. i dont want to be a zombie. i dont want the sexual dysfunction that comes along with that. I guess i just need to get through work and do everything i can. if someone asks me to do something, just do it. if i get behind on charts, just work until i get it done. if i have to not take a lunch break to get it done, then thats how it will be. a new coworker and a new boss might help the situation. who knows. im scared of the future i have there. i know i had it cushy with jeanette. i dont see it being like that with Laura. Bosses named laura are always “fun”.... just work hard. get yourself out of this rut. stop talking about outside life too. just focus on work. stop with your phone. i deleted fb off my phone. i need a break from that. dont let them see me on my phone. be perfect so theres nothing they can say. fake it til you make it i guess.

Kids: Owen is thriving i think. Hes a good little boy, eats well, understands and communicated well, funny and loving. Natalie is a ball of anxiety. i want so much to get into her head. my goal was to always have an open relationship with my kids that they would be able to tell me anything. that is definitely not the way it is. She doesn’t tell me anything. Its all a secret and then i get made because its a secret. Today she had an accident and tried to hide it from me. she trashed my bathroom. Im not sure why my 6 year old is having accidents. thats scary in its own right. i am perpetually scare my kids could get molested or something without me ever knowing about it. anyway, i got mad when i went into the bathroom and saw what she had done. there was shit everywhere. just everywhere. Later when things were calmed and she did her punishment i asked her why she has been getting in trouble at school. she opened up when i asked if she needed more attention. she actually got emotional about it. she doesn’t think her teacher spends enough time with her, she doesn’t get enough play time, and the recess people are mean to her. She genuinely teared up over it. i asked her what she needed from me. she wants me to play more games with her. i bought a deck of cards a few days ago, i was going to teach her how to play some games. its so hard to fit all of it into a night. i get home at 530. i have to make dinner by 630. its been nice so weve been spending a little time outside. soon ill have my garden i would like to stop there a few times a week before we go home. anyway. 645 is bath time. They stay in there for about 30 mins 715. then its time to relax. I guess this is a good time to read books. Im so freaking tired by this point. but 715 to 730 would be good for books. and 730 to 8 would be good for games with natalie. sometimes they have been going to bed later. for 730-45 for books and 745=815 for games. by 83o everyone is in bed. i guess ill see how that goes tomorrow. i want the one on one time with natalie and owen. i enjoy it so much. i love friday afternoons with owen. its amazing to have him all to myself. and then when me and natalie are alone its really nice too. we need more of it. i dont know how to be someone she can come to honestly and authorative. i want a relationship that she knows the rules but stays open about if she broke them and takes responsibility for it. I have no idea what any of that looks like in real life. Maybe that kind of thing only exists in movies and adulthood. im her mom, not her friend, i know that but i need her to feel comfortable talking to me and she isnt. The mental health group class i went to talked about “has anyone taught you how to deal with being sad”. No one taught me. it was looked down upon if i was sad or emotional. it annoyed my mom and she made me go away. i remember when my aunt died. i was fine until i saw her daughter and realized she didnt have a mom anymore and i wanted to cry but i had to excuse myself because i was taught inadvertently that is how you deal with sad. i didnt even feel comfortable crying at a funeral. thats sad. and even now, my sadness is isolation, crying alone and hiding everything. and how guilty i feel, just this weekend natalie got sad that we were going to pull out her tooth with plyers, we said it as a joke, and she started crying. i asked her why she was crying but she just clammed up. i was so frustrated i sent her to her room. im my mind i thought it would be a way for her to cool off but now i think if i would have just given her a hug and reassured her we were just kidding she may have opened up to me. im going to put more effort into her. 45 mins per night will be directly spent with them and only them. Im not going to take it away if they were bad. we need time together whether they misbehaved or not. i need to research better discipline methods. besides beating children i was never taught how to properly discipline a kid. time out was good before but natalie is too old for that now. i know things like cleaning and going to bed shouldnt be a punishment because then cleaning and going to bed normally will always be a punishment. i take away her snack but that makes me scared she’ll see food as a reward also. just how the fuck do i discipline a kid that doesn’t affect the rest of her life. one guy i knew made his kid run when she was bad. well i bet exercise will be a punishment when she gets old and shell die of heart disease from being sedentary her whole life. im going to bed. i hope getting some of this out of my head makes for a better tomorrow.

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