Please tell me about your gunpowder boys head cannons please please I want to know everything about the immortal sillies who have trauma

CLAPS AND CHEERS !!

Ok this might actually be more about the vigil and how everyone is connected to it more than gunpowder boys but i think it's cool so im gonna ramble here we go (discussions of character death. lots of references to dying below and i mean it. we're talking about the vigil)

Pixlriffs' existence is intertwined with the Vigil. it appeared on the day he was born and it will disappear the day he dies. It's what gives him his immortality- it's the reason pixandrians chose to leave the anthill and build their desert kingdom. the vigil is the heart of pixandria - it's pixlriffs' heart too.

He outlived his people a dozen times over. Everyone who was born after him died before him. He's lit so, so many candles.

The Vigil is what gives the emperors their immortality- the ability to be revived after death. Much like Pixl and the Vigil- a candle in their color appeared the day they were born, (or the day they appeared in the world, in Shrub's case), and it gave them the ability to be revived as many times as they needed.

Pixl doesn't know it- and neither does anyone else. It's a secret that lives and dies with the Vigil- it's a monument to the last rulers of each kingdom- the ones who are the very souls of their kingdom. it intwines them with everything they've built, and when their kingdoms finally fall, so do they.

it is pixl's job to care for the vigil. (it is pixl's job to care for the emperors)

He doesn't know of any other immortals. He doesn't know of any gods, no one else can see the future as he can. he's alone.

and then Fwhip comes along

Fwhip:

was a vampire from birth. he ages differently from humans, as does pixl. he outlives everyone in his kingdom a dozen times over, except for his mother.

his candles are red. his were the first to appear, after pixl's. the color of blood, of a vampire's eyes. Pixl doesn't know what the candle means, didn't know that there would be others

and then he meets him, and they get on like a house on fire

I think they were friends as kids. Kids who talked about living forever, because Vampires tend to live for a very, very long time. kids who fantasized about living forever, what that meant for their friendship, when they'd be old and gray together, old as their grandpas, old as the sun, old as all the grains of sand in the desert.

Pixl was supposed to die a long time ago. He hasn't yet. Neither of them know why, and neither of them really get the chance to find out before their world is gone.

i want them to be like. idk. mirrors to each other ? maybe foils ? idk the right word but Fwhip is armed with the knowledge that he's going to live for a very, VERY long time, (because he's a vampire), and Pixlriffs...isn't. Pixl had no idea he'd live this long, no idea he'd outlive everyone he cares about. it's a miracle he has Fwhip or he'd lose his mind.

i was just rereading “whatever makes you feel the sun, chase that” because i love it SO MUCH and i would be forever indebted to you if you wrote a tiny thing about lucas and eliott traveling after they get on the train together

my darling anon! thank you so much for this sweet message and request 💛💛 I honestly had no intention of returning to this version of Lucas and Eliott but then I got this request for a “tiny” thing about their trip and wrote nearly 7k words so…whoops? I really hope you enjoy!!

part 2 of whatever makes you feel the sun (chase that) // also on ao3 here!

Lucas leans back against the rough material of the train seat and just looks. He allows himself that, as Eliott sleeps lightly next to him, because he hasn’t really before.

Every look has been plagued by fear, deep and unyielding, the kind that arrests your heart and makes each beat painful. The kind that was sent away, if only briefly, by a pair of stormy eyes and a sweet voice. Eliott. 

It feels a bit like breaking out of the water after holding your breath for too long. Lungs burning, heart racing, a panic sitting there, beneath the skin, that fades as the air hits your face and the water drips away and there’s oxygen ready to gasped in, ready to fill your lungs again. 

It’s almost drowning, but being saved at the last second. It’s learning to breathe again. 

Eliott’s eyes are closed and his mouth is hanging open, just a little, as the sunlight fights its way past the built-in shades the people in the seats in front of them have pulled down. The light casts over him making lines on his t-shirt and his hair is messy, mussed from being pressed against the headrest of a train seat. But he’s beautiful all the same. 

He’s beautiful, really, in the kind of way that makes people look twice (Lucas certainly did). The kind of beauty that’s intimidating at first, that left Lucas reeling when he reached for him in that club, when he said he remembered Lucas of all people, just from a glance on the beach. 

But it was his smile, the disarming way he laughed, the light that seemed to shine even when in complete darkness that sent Lucas chasing after him. 

Eliott shifts in his sleep, his head falling onto Lucas’ shoulder and Lucas smiles, wide, as his heart hiccups in his chest. He turns his face to press a soft kiss to Eliott’s forehead and lets him sleep on.

Lucas’ phone buzzes a few times in his pocket and he pulls it out to see several texts in his group chat.

Le gang

Yann 

hey lulu, you okay? haven’t heard from you in a few hours 

assuming you found your man 

or I was right about the serial killer thing 

but just know if you don’t respond soon I’m going to have to call the police and tell them to start looking for a handsomeman named eliott

Lucas

why do you assume he’s handsome

Arthur 

He speaks!

Yann 

I have faith in your taste bro 

so I assume that means you found him?

Lucas

I found him

Arthur 

And you’re with him now?

Lucas

on our way to amsterdam

Basile 

👎👎👎

Yann 

whoa bas 

why are you thumbs-downing our boy?

Arthur 

more like 🥳🥂🍆💦❤️🌈

Lucas

arthur wtf lol

Basile 

im not thumbs-downing our boy 

i just still think it’s unfair that i was the one who was supposed to get with someone this trip 

and lucas got someone instead

Lucas

sounds like jealousy to me

Yann 

Bas shut up

Arthur 

Yeah Bas shut up 

Also Lucas do you really need me to spell out those emojis for you?

Lucas

no I got it lol

Yann 

point is we’re happy for you 

even bas

Lucas

even bas?

Basile 

Fine yeah 

even bas 

🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈

Arthur 

that’s the spirit 

🌈🌈🌈

Yann 

🌈🌈🌈

Lucas

you guys are dumb 

but thank you 

really

Yann 

you don’t need to thank us lu 

we love you

Arthur 

We do!

Basile 

we do

Yann 

now get back to your man

Lucas

love you guys too

It’s after lunch now, and Lucas can feel his stomach protesting as the only thing he’s had to eat so far that day is a croissant Eliott had bought him at the train station while they waited for the next train. They’re headed to Amsterdam still, since Eliott’s got a friend, who he’d told Lucas was also apparently named Lucas, that’s letting them crash in his and his boyfriend’s apartment while they’re on their own trip to Spain. They’d transferred an hour or so ago from a smaller, suburban train to this larger one that will take them all the way to Amsterdam.

Lucas thinks they’re probably nearing Brussels, one of the major stops before Amsterdam, and he finds himself wondering if Eliott is the kind of person who wakes when moving vehicles come to stop, even if just for a moment. There’s so much still that Lucas has to learn about him. And yet, this right now, is the closest he’s ever felt to trust, to being his whole self. Lucas’ stomach growls again, but Eliott shifts once more, his head nestling even closer in the crook of Lucas’ neck, and Lucas knows he won’t be going anywhere until Eliott wakes.

It’s a few hours, and stops later (it turns out Eliott is very much not the person who wakes up every time the train reaches a new station), when they finally reach Amsterdam. It’s late afternoon, nearing evening, when they step out of the station and into the sun, and Lucas feels his lungs expand as he breathes, really breathes, in the new air. His chest feels light, still unaccustomed to not feeling as though he’s been dragging around a weight in the form of a secret. A lightness in freedom. 

He flinches slightly, as Eliott takes his hand, but it’s muscle memory, desire that’s been told for so long to quiet down and hide away that it feels uncomfortable at first to let it be seen. 

Eliott must notice because he asks him, quietly, “Is this okay?” waiting for Lucas’ nod to interlace their fingers.

But Lucas does nod, and he whispers yes, Eliott and his chest fills with something new, or maybe it’s just his heart expanding. He squeezes Eliott’s hand back.

They wander for a while, hand in hand, along the canals and to a fries shop Eliott’s friend had told him was the best in the city. So they get some, Eliott going overboard on the sauces, and eat them sitting next to the water, legs crossed and knees touching.

“Can I ask what changed?” Eliott asks him after wiping a bit of sauce off his cheek and kissing him so slow and deep that Lucas had almost dropped the fries he’d been holding.

“You mean why I decided to come?”

Eliott nods, biting into another fry.

Lucas pauses, turning his gaze out away from Eliott and across the water, watching as a boat passes them, the people inside shrieking with laughter. 

“There were two reasons,” he says softly, turning back to catch Eliott’s eye. “One, I was tired of being so scared. I didn’t want to have to live with fear and I guess I realized I didn’t have to.”

Eliott smiles, soft and kind. A look, Lucas is quickly realizing, that’s a natural one on his face.

“And the second reason?” Eliott asks.

Lucas grins and leans in, his lips so close to Eliott’s they’re almost brushing, the promise of his touch making Lucas’ head spin.

“You.”

Eliott kisses him.

They wander for a few more hours, grabbing dinner at a restaurant with cloth napkins where they’d actually sat down, ordered wine. It feels a little like something out of a movie, something Lucas had always wanted deep in his heart but never admitted to himself.

“Our first real date,” Eliott says when Lucas raises an eyebrow at the price. “I want to spoil you.”

Lucas rolls his eyes, but can’t hide the blush that coats his face. “You haven’t even asked me out!” he protests.

Eliott only looks at him at him.

“I did you one better,” Eliott says, reaching across the table and brushing his fingers across the back of Lucas’ hand.

“Oh, did you?”

Eliott nods. 

“I asked you to run away with me and you said yes.”

Lucas flushes, catching Eliott’s fingers in his hand and bringing his hand up to kiss the back of it gently. “I did,” he whispers back. There’s really nothing else to say.

They spend longer than they should at the restaurant, even splitting a dessert – a gooey chocolate lava cake that has Lucas nearly melting into the floor and Eliott, after swiping the bill out from under Lucas’ hand, tells him they should make their way to his friend’s apartment.

It’s set back a bit in the city, down a side row behind some shops. The evening is settling into night, the last dregs of summer sunlight disappearing as the sun fully melts beyond the horizon, but the world is buzzing still, the night fresh and young and full of hope.

Eliott punches in a code at the door on the street and leads Lucas up a narrow set of stairs to the fourth floor. The hallway is dark and damp smelling, the stairs an old, twisted set of terrors, meaning that Lucas is breathing heavy by the time they reach the top. 

Eliott finds the key tucked between a piece of loose molding and a flap of peeling wallpaper just where Eliott’s friend said it would be and puts it in the lock, the key twisting almost deafeningly, and the door swinging open.

The apartment is a studio, a kitchenette just to the left of the door and two large windows facing out onto the street, a small table and chairs placed between them. A mattress is pressed up against the wall across from the door on the floor and a small couch and tv are just to the right of the entrance. In the back corner Lucas sees a door which he can only assume leads to the bathroom. It’s dark, the light from outside nearly gone, and Eliott flicks the switch next to the door, bathing the room in a harsh yellow light from a single bulb placed in the middle of the ceiling.

“God, I hate overhead lighting,” Eliott says, moving to throw down his backpack and switch on the lamps next to the couch and the bed before returning to the door and switching the bulb back off. “There, that’s better.”

Lucas smiles, dropping his own bag into one of the seats at the table and turning to look out the window at the people walking through the city below them, each of them living lives so separate from their own.

“I’m just gonna, uh, use the bathroom,” Lucas hears from behind him and then the sound of a door clicking shut as Eliott goes in.

Lucas sighs and leans his forehead against the cool glass, but something picks at his brain that won’t let him relax. Not yet.

He fishes out his phone from his pocket and types out a message, one he’s typed out time and time again but hasn’t sent yet. But now, he feels like he can.

Lucas to Maman

I wanted to let you know that I won’t be coming home for a few weeks. I’ve decided to extend my trip. I met someone who I like very much and I want to be able to spend more time with them. With him. 

He’s a boy Maman. His name is Eliott and I think you’d like him very much.

I’m sorry if this disappoints you. I love you and I’ll try to call you tomorrow. X

He hits send before he can think about it too much and puts his phone down on the table, plugging it in. There’s other things he wants to focus on tonight.

Across the room, Eliott emerges from the bathroom, looking at Lucas leaning against the table and smiling sweetly, his hands digging into his pockets, his shoulders hunching in what Lucas is learning is a nervous gesture. 

Nervous. Around him of all people. Lucas will never get used to it.

“So what do you want to do tonight?” Eliott asks him, pulling his phone out of his pocket and swiping it open. “My friend recommended a few bars we could check out or I think there’s this one we passed on our way here…”

Lucas pushes himself off the table and walks across the room towards Eliott stopping just in front of him, close enough to reach out and touch.

“Or,” Lucas says, taking the phone out of Eliott’s hand and tossing it onto the couch, “we could stay in.”

Lucas reaches out and grabs the hem of Eliott’s shirt loosely, his fingertips brushing the skin at Eliott’s waist. Eliott inhales sharply and stumbles back, cursing as his hip makes contact with the couch.

“Yeah, god, okay, we can definitely stay in,” he says.

He reaches out to grasp Lucas’ face, his touch light against his cheekbones and Lucas leans into it, closing his eyes as Eliott closes the distance, their lips brushing together for the hundredth time that week, but something feeling new all the same.

It’s overwhelming in the best way, the feeling of Eliott so close, the way he’s holding onto Lucas like he’s a precious thing, not fragile but important. Something to be handled with care not out of fear of breaking, but affection. 

Lucas leans into him and grasps onto Eliott’s hips, pulling him closer to press them together, Eliott angling his head to kiss him deeper, his tongue swiping at the seam of Lucas’ lips, turning the kiss hot and messy.

Lucas gasps, Eliott taking advantage of it to walk him backwards towards the mattress. Lucas’ hands run along the skin of Eliott’s stomach and around towards his back, pulling at his shirt as they move.

“Off,” Lucas whispers against Eliott’s mouth and Eliott is quick to comply, pulling the shirt up and over his head, giving Lucas only a second to take him in with new messier hair before he’s on him again.

“Your turn,” Eliott says, pulling back to kiss Lucas’ jaw, behind his ear and down his neck as Lucas shivers, tugging on his shirt. Lucas quickly pulls it over his head.

And really, Lucas thinks, it shouldn’t be this good, it’s not supposed to be this good, with someone he only met a short time ago. Lucas has never imagined it could feel like this, especially not so soon.

There was a nervousness, a hesitation in name only, when they gotten together the first time, only because Lucas was new at it, still is new at it. But Eliott had smoothed it away with an understanding smile and a readiness to only go as far as Lucas was willing, as far as Lucas would take him.

But somehow, Eliott’s never really felt like a stranger, and his body has never really felt completely new. Lucas knows they’ve only just met but there’s always seemed to be this place they existed together, from the moment they locked eyes across the beach, that only they could get to. A frequency only they can tune into, hidden away from everything else that beckons Lucas to break the so-called rules he didn’t even realize he’d been imposing on himself. 

With Eliott, it’s just easy. And the parts that aren’t so easy Eliott is so calm and kind and understanding that it makes it easier to work through, to discuss and then deliver. It’s the kind of respect and desire, the kind of want with a preference that makes it clear Eliott, somehow, miraculously, feels just as lucky as Lucas that they found each other. A feeling that translates into comfort and vulnerability.

(And maybe, Lucas thinks as he recalls his words to the boys when he told them, it feels just a little bit like love . But it can’t be. 

Can love happen so fast? )

They collapse on the mattress and fumble at the buttons on their pants, Eliott straddling Lucas to pull them off with his boxers as Lucas lies among the pillows.

“Shit,” Eliott inhales, his eyes roaming Lucas’ body, “You’re so fucking beautiful.”

Lucas can feel himself blush, still not used to the kind of compliments Eliott doles out so freely. He’s not used to beautiful either, something he’d never thought of himself as, something he’d never thought someone would think of him. And yet here, hovering over him is the most beautiful man Lucas has ever seen and he’s looking at Lucas with the kind of fierce adoration that makes Lucas forget everything else and Lucas finds he believes him. Somehow, Eliott’s words cut through the rest.

Eliott makes Lucas okay with being brave is the thing. It’s not that Lucas wasn’t capable of it before, or that he’s doing everything now for Eliott, it’s that suddenly, somehow, Lucas can finally see himself making brave choices, trying new things, trusting himself to know what he wants. It’s that seeing the way Eliott has trusted himself and in his feelings has made it easier for Lucas to accept his own. Take on new challenges because he wants to, leave the fear behind.

Life, for Lucas, has been full of new experiences lately.

Eliott leans down to kiss him again, deep and encompassing, pressing Lucas into the mattress with the kind of fervor that leaves Lucas shaking.

“Wait,” Lucas gasps, grabbing Eliott’s hips as Eliott freezes and pulls back. “No, don’t stop I just…” Lucas presses back against him and flips them, coming to straddle Eliott’s waist. “I want to try something.”

Eliott blinks, once, twice, his eyes dark as his gaze roams Lucas’ face. “Yeah, okay,” he whispers, his voice hoarse.

Lucas kisses him, Eliott’s mouth soft and wet against him. Then he moves his way down Eliott’s neck, his chest, his stomach pressing searing kisses to the skin as Eliott pants beneath him. When he reaches the waistband of Eliott’s boxers he looks up and finds Eliott looking back at him with something akin to awe on his face.

“Okay?” he asks, his mouth pressing the question into Eliott’s waistline. 

“God. Yes. Please ,” Eliott pants out and Lucas can’t help but grin that he’s reduced eloquent romantic Eliott to single syllables.

“Okay,” Lucas replies, hooking his fingers in Eliott’s boxers and pulling them down, Eliott breathing out a punched out moan as Lucas returns and presses a kiss to his inner thigh.

Later, as Lucas lies in bed, a sheet pulled up around his hips, Eliott produces a joint from his bag and waves it excitedly at him as Lucas rolls his eyes.

“What? It’s Amsterdam!” Eliott says as he lights it, throwing open the window so the sounds from the street below float into the room.

“You’re so stupid,” Lucas says, but he can’t conceal his laughter, the way his happiness bubbles up, uncontained. 

“So, you don’t want any?” Eliott asks, lifting an eyebrow as he takes a drag.

“I never said that,” Lucas says quickly and opens his arms beckoning Eliott to him.

Eliott returns to him quickly and they lay there, passing the joint between them, wrapped up in each other, Eliott’s fingers tracing patterns on Lucas’ arms. It’s quiet and peaceful and Lucas can’t help but lean into the soft comfort of Eliott’s embrace, so relaxed and at ease it’s like he’s had it forever.

Is that what it is?

They wake late the next day, Lucas wrapped in the warm circle of Eliott’s arms, a brief spike of panic coursing through him until he remembers he has nowhere to be, nothing to hide from. He can just be.

He relaxes even more when he finally convinces himself to check his phone while Eliott’s in the shower and finds a text from his mother that takes away the last of the burden.

Maman to Lucas

You could never disappoint me my darling son. 

I love you. Call me when you can.

If his happiness is evident on his face, it’s only reflected in Eliott’s as he laughs when Lucas grabs him the minute he steps out of the bathroom, hugging him close and pressing his face into his neck.

“I’m so happy you found me,” Lucas whispers. 

Eliott pulls back and pecks him gently, once, twice, three times. 

“I think you’re the one who found me.”

They can agree to disagree.

Eliott drags him to a bakery his friend recommended and then across the city to the Van Gogh museum, telling Lucas it’s something they simply have to see. Lucas takes a brief stop to call his mother, who answers with her voice soft and warm, assuring Lucas she loves him and asking him to pass the phone to this Eliott boy . 

Lucas tries to protest but Eliott hears from where he’s sitting and grabs the phone from Lucas’ hand, talking and laughing with Lucas’ mother on the other end. Lucas gapes at him when he hands the phone back and Eliott just shrugs, telling him, she just made me promise to take care of you. I told her not to worry.

Lucas can only shake his head as he brings the phone back up to his ear, just to have her tell him that Eliott sounds like a wonderful boy and again that she loves him. And Lucas really doesn’t blame Eliott when he looks a little smug after that.

Once they get inside the museum, Eliott spends the whole time raving about color and brushstrokes and genius and Lucas understands almost none of it, but he doesn’t care, as long as it makes Eliott happy. Eliott gets a little quieter, for a moment, when he talks about Van Gogh’s personal struggles, the way pain had come and never quite left, so Lucas reaches out and takes Eliott’s hand, squeezing it, and leans over to lightly kiss Eliott’s shoulder.

He doesn’t say anything but he knows Eliott understands from the way he looks back and smiles. It’s a smile like that, private and reserved just for Lucas, that makes the feeling in his chest expand just a little.

Can it be named yet?

And just like that, their days in Amsterdam fall away. Lucas loses count at some point, how long they’ve been there, their time so full of Eliott’s laughter and Lucas’ heart beating and kissing, that they start to blend together. 

Kissing.

Lucas knows he’d never really been kissed before Eliott and certainly not like this. Lucas learns quickly that there are many different kinds, many more than he’d ever imagined and it seems like Eliott is on a mission to try out them all.

There’s kisses on his mouth and his cheeks and his jaw and his neck and searing ones that leave marks all over his body. There’s kisses in the street and in parks and on benches and pressed up against walls. At some point Lucas wonders if he should be getting used to these kisses, the way Eliott’s mouth feels against him, but then Eliott kisses him again and everything else is gone from Lucas’ mind and all he can remember is Eliott .

And even when they leave Amsterdam behind, Eliott seems to want to try everything all over again in each new place as if somehow the feeling of Lucas’ lips would have changed depending on the coordinates. Lucas wants to make fun of him, he really does, but then Eliott kisses him and it turns out he’s right. They’re all different. Every single one.

From Amsterdam they head to Belgium, stopping in Antwerp for a few days before making their way down to Brussels. Eliott takes a video of Lucas spinning around in the city center and when Lucas watches the video back he can hardly recognize the boy in it, his face full of the kind of joy Lucas didn’t think himself capable of. 

He sends the video to the boys only to have them all tease him about Eliott being the perfect instagram boyfriend. But later, Yann texts him separately and tells him it’s good to see him so happy, and Lucas can’t help but hold Eliott a little tighter that night.

From Brussels, they make their way up to Oslo and then back down to Germany where they make stops in Hamburg, Berlin and a few other small cities that Lucas can hardly remember the name of, culminating in a brief stint in an off-season ski lodge in the Alps because Eliott found a number and a discount online.

It’s seeing Eliott standing in the midst of a vast sea of green, swearing at the miles still left to climb that makes the thing in Lucas’ chest finally take root and sprout vines that weave around his heart, turning the feeling into something unescapable, something that’s been nurtured enough to grow. 

But there’s no fear as the vines begin to flower. Instead, it’s mostly wonder. And-

Lucas can’t think about that yet.

From there, there’s a quick flyover to Madrid, since Eliott had promised himself he’d get back to Spain and found cheap last minute flights. It’s become common along the way for Eliott to come to Lucas wide-eyed and excited, full of ideas and plans, and for Lucas to just say yes. He trusts Eliott, he does, and finds he really doesn’t care where he goes as long as he’s with Eliott.

Then they head back to Italy, starting in Venice, where Eliott insists they have to take a gondola ride because it’s romantic . Lucas balks a bit at the price but sees the way Eliott’s eyes shine with the thought, so he figures out a solution. In the end, they share a gondola with a pair of American students and an older British couple that had been standing near one of the pickup points so they can all split the cost. Lucas worries it’s not close enough to what Eliott had in mind. But as they sit there, fingers intertwined on Lucas’ lap, Eliott whispers, it’s perfect, in Lucas’ ear, and he can’t help the way his heart races. 

(It doesn’t hurt that the older woman tells them they’re a beautiful couple as they go to leave the boat. Eliott thanks her, but Lucas only manages a deep blush.)

And that feeling in Lucas’ chest grows with every touch, with every kiss, with every new place Eliott takes him. It’s a feeling that’s a bit like luck, and a bit like awe, and a bit like adoration and longing and desire and choice all wrapped up into one. And Lucas thinks he knows, but he hasn’t dared to say it.

This has to be love.

But it’s Rome, finally, that’s the straw that breaks the camel’s back.

It’s the final stop on their nearly 6-week trip, culminating in a flight back to Paris the next Sunday morning – only three days away.

They’d splurged, just a bit, on a 3-star hotel because Eliott, after staying in their fair share of cramped hostels, had begged Lucas for a queen bed just so he could hold him, away from anyone else. And Lucas had been hard pressed to turn him down.

They’re in the middle of the Roman Forum when it hits him, a new kind of panic. Somehow, being surrounded by things so ancient and grand makes Lucas think of the things he’d been holding back on. The stories around him stitched together mostly in memory, and Lucas finds himself wondering if that’s what this will be too, a memory bolstered only by ticket stubs and material remnants rather than the person he lived it with.

It’s the word that’s been crawling out of his chest, trying to force its way out of his mouth every time he looks at Eliott. The feeling that had been demanding a name, the thing that Lucas isn’t quite sure Eliott reciprocates. Love. 

When they leave on Sunday will things change? Will Eliott want this, want him when grand spontaneous adventures are no longer a part of their daily life?

Lucas is aware, in a way, that none of this is normal. He knows he and Eliott have moved fast. Faster than he’d ever thought himself capable. One minute scared and alone by his own self imposition and the next alive and wanting under Eliott’s gentle honesty and daring gaze.

But Eliott had never signed up for this, for anything longer than these six or seven weeks. He’d called that first dinner in Amsterdam a date, yes, but there’s been no labeling beyond that. When they land in Paris will Eliott expect them to go back to being strangers? 

He holds the panic in, putting on a brave face for the rest of the day as Eliott continues to drag him around to all must-see spots on his list. He manages for most of it but then something must slip, as it’s wont to do, and without meaning for it, Eliott notices.

They’re walking down the street, on their way back to their hotel after dinner, when Eliott grabs his arm softly to stop him, and twists around so they’re facing each other on the sidewalk.

“Are you okay?” he asks, his voice gentle as he holds Lucas’ hands. 

Lucas shakes him off but keeps his eyes on the ground, something stopping him from looking at Eliott. “I’m fine.”

“Are you sure?” Eliott presses, making an aborted attempt to reach out to Lucas again only to catch himself. “Because if I did something to make you upset…”

“It’s nothing you did . And I’m not upset.”

It’s unfair to put this on Eliott, to expect him to take on Lucas’ fear again, to take on Lucas at all. He wishes that he could forget, even just for a day or two, that there’s an hourglass suspended above their heads, counting down the hours they have left. But he can’t.

“Okay,” Eliott says slowly, “but if something’s wrong, I’d want you to tell me…”

“Nothing’s wrong,” Lucas says, but his voice cracks as he feels the familiar tightness at the back of his throat, the shaking start in his hands.

“Baby,” Eliott says as he steps closer, cradling Lucas’ face in his hands and tilting his head up, “why are you crying?”

And that feeling in his chest starts at Eliott’s words, at the way he’s holding him, at the way he called him baby . Lucas can’t hold it in any longer.

“What happens when we get back to Paris?” he whispers.

Eliott stills. “What do you mean? You’re going to start uni and I’m going to get a job and we’ll figure it out from there, right?”

“But what about with us?”

“I mean, sure, I’ll have to take the bus to come and see you but it’s really not that far and you could always stay at my apartment if you needed on days you stay over late or…” Eliott looks at him, confused, and Lucas can’t speak, needs a minute to process what Eliott’s saying. “Is that not what you want?”

“No, I just,” he pauses, breaths. “So you’d still want to be with me once we’re back home?”

“Yes, of course,” Eliott says quickly. “Why would you think anything else?”

“You just never said,” Lucas replies, his hands coming up to rest over Eliott’s on his cheeks as he presses their foreheads together. “I don’t know, I thought that maybe it was just a summer fling or something for you.”

“It’s not. Is it to you?”

“No, never.”

Eliott smiles and then kisses him, so fully, so completely that Lucas sways where he stands, feels it all the way down to his toes.

“Would you like to put a label on it?” Eliott asks as he pulls away.

“Maybe,” Lucas says, grinning.

“How does boyfriend sound?”

“Perfect.”

And then they’re kissing again. Here, in the street, another new kiss for Lucas to check off their list.

They break away for a moment and as if Eliott can hear his thoughts, as though Eliott knows him better than he realized, he asks him, “Is that all?”

Lucas pauses, knows that he could say no, move on and hide away the feeling that’s been battling its way to the surface for weeks. Or he could let go, give himself over to it, say fuck fear, and say it, to hell with the consequences.

But this time the fear doesn’t feel like drowning, it feels a little more like skydiving. The kind that comes when you’re waiting to jump, when all you have left to do is leap.

“There might be something else.”

“Okay.” Eliott looks concerned, but runs a thumb across Lucas’ cheekbone.

And this is it – the moment of falling and hoping the parachute carries you down.

“I love you,” Lucas says, his voice surprisingly strong for the way his hands shake.

Eliott looks at him for a moment, eyes big, before a small smile starts to spread over his face, lighting up his features as he stands there. And then– 

“I love you too.”

The parachute opens behind him and Lucas lands safely on the ground.

They somehow make it back to their hotel, their time nearly doubled as Eliott takes advantage of every opportunity to press Lucas against a wall and kiss him, the kind that sends sparks down Lucas’ spine and makes him never want to let Eliott go.

They barely make it inside their room before Lucas is on him, pulling Eliott close and reaching to rid him of his shirt, desperate to feel his skin against him.

“Whoa, slow down,” Eliott says, laughing as Lucas tries to kiss him again.

“No,” Lucas mumbles from where he’s kissing Eliott’s neck. “I want you now.”

He hears Eliott groan and then he pulls Lucas’ mouth back to his own so he can kiss him again. His kisses are sweet and open-mouthed and remind Lucas that Eliott runs warm in all the best ways, his touch like fire on him.

“Okay,” Eliott says finally, as he pulls back panting. “Okay, you’re going to have to stop kissing me if you want me to ever take my clothes off.”

Lucas giggles, but backs off, hands raised, as he makes his way over to their bed, stopping to dig something out of his bag.

“Okay,” Eliott says again as he walks over to Lucas, now only wearing his boxers, “you need to catch up.”

“So help me,” Lucas whispers, reaching up to pull Eliott to him, and kisses him again.

They sway on the spot, Eliott’s hands running all over Lucas as he holds him, tilting his head to kiss him deeper, biting gently at Lucas’ bottom lip and taking advantage of his gasp to lick into his mouth.

It’s somehow gentle and intense all at once, the kind of toe-curling eagerness that sends Lucas’ head spinning. They break apart only for Eliott to pull Lucas’ shirt over his head and for Lucas to step out of his pants before they fall on the bed together, legs intertwined.

Lucas can’t think of anything but Eliott’s touch and his mind only knows one word – Eliott, Eliott, Eliott . Eliott surrounds him so completely that Lucas finds himself wondering how Eliott is managing to touch him, to hold him like that only to lose his thought when Eliott trails a hand down his back and pulls his hips closer.

Lucas moans at the contact and Eliott pulls away to bite a mark into his neck, Lucas writhing at the sting and the soothing swipe of Eliott’s tongue. Lucas runs his nails lightly down Eliott’s back and presses his fingers under the waistband of Eliott’s boxers and knows, as Eliott pants on top of him, that he’s going to ask. Lucas is ready.

“What do you want to do?” Eliott asks, his voice deep, his eyes dark. 

Lucas wordlessly reaches down next to the bed and produces a condom and lube from where he’d thrown them earlier. Eliott’s breath catches.

“Are you sure?” Eliott asks him.

“Completely sure,” Lucas replies.

And then Eliott is on him again, ridding them both of their boxers and moving back to lean over where Lucas is spread out on the mattress. His touch is gentle, his kisses deep as they move together, their skin burning in all the places they’re pressed together. 

Lucas , Eliott pants out as Lucas runs his hand down Eliott’s body, as he bites at the skin just below Eliott’s ear. Eliott , Lucas whispers back as Eliott touches him and takes him apart, bit by bit. Lucas has never known something like this – the overwhelming way everything becomes Eliott .

They come together finally, Eliott moving slowly as Lucas adjusts, his moans sprinkled with okay? and does that feel good? as Lucas moves below him. Lucas nods and whispers back a choked out yes as the feeling overwhelms him and the heat spreads fast and low in his stomach. Eliott’s all over him, his hands everywhere, Lucas just trying to hold on as their rhythm builds and starts to get sloppy, as they pull each other closer. And that’s enough, as Lucas’ back arches off the mattress and Eliott follows close behind, clutching Lucas to him as the waves ride through them.

They lay, after, clutching each other as their breathing settles. Eliott only leaving the bed to grab a cloth to wipe Lucas off and then lifting the covers to settle them under the blankets, pulling Lucas onto his chest.

It’s only after Eliott presses a kiss to his temple, whispers you’re beautiful into his hair and lies back on the pillows, his breath evening out as sleep takes over that Lucas allows himself to think it, really believe it, for the first time. Because, in the end, they’re the only ones who get to decide.

It is love.

Sunday comes just as Lucas knew it would. There’s packing and checking out of the hotel and a frantic run to the airport shuttle to make their flight in time. 

When they get to the airport, they get through security, buy a snack and go wait at their gate just like anyone else. Only Eliott refuses to let go of Lucas’ hand unless he absolutely has to. Lucas can’t help but smile every time he finds Eliott reaching for him.

It’s easy somehow, even though Lucas will miss the spontaneity of their lives during this trip, to be excited for what’s to come. For a life where they’ll be together, not just in front of each other, but surrounded by the people they already know. 

There’s grounding there somehow, a firmer foundation that will make Eliott feel less like a dream and more like reality. At first, it scared Lucas to think about them without the rosy glow of this fantasy thing. But the more he thinks about it, the more he knows it will be a relief to no longer have to pinch himself and expect that it’ll wake him up. 

Because Eliott isn’t a dream. He doesn’t just exist in this vacuum of worlds they’d explored together. But neither does Lucas. And somehow, it’s even more exciting to imagine what they’ll be when life picks them up again and takes them along for the routine of the everyday. Vibrant, but in other ways. In the variety of them.

Eliott takes his hand again as they board the plane and Lucas lets him lead them to their seats. Eliott’s out, almost as soon as the plane takes off, and Lucas finds himself shifting so that Eliott’s head falls to rest on his shoulder as he sleeps on, the weight sending a smile to Lucas’ face.

The thing in his chest shifts as the plane flies through the air, flowering now with something new, born of love and desire and longing. It replaces any fear left behind, chases it away to dark shadows and keeps it at bay for now, as Eliott shuffles closer to Lucas in his sleep.

So when the pilot comes on and announces their descent into Paris, Lucas finds nothing waiting there for him in his heart but love–

–and hope.

Tired is when you're sick of life, or feel weighed down by the stuff around you. Sleepy is when you want to go to bed. That's how me and my friend do it, anyhow. At this point, I'm fucking exhausted to the point where I feel too tired to let it out but im gonna anyways. There's bits in here that I can't tell my friend, or anyone, so i'm hoping bc this is anonymous i can let it out. Right, intro done lol. Onto the story. Last night, i have no idea what time, maybe five or six, (all i know is this

thing ended at 7pm), my mom storms out of the room and comes back holding a bottle of water and her bag. She proceeds to tell my dad she found the bottle at the bottom of my bed, (basically im not supposed to have anything at the bottom of my bead bc asian tradition believes that youre on top of it and thats dirty or whatever). Then she pulls out my school photo, puts it on the table and tells my dad to look at it. Starts ranting about how I never listen, i look horrible, worst photo i've ever taken. 

Basically, I go to a private school, and they think I should look good, and then they spent some time lecturing me about how i was supposed to look right when i was in the school, I look like a boy, i act like a boy, my hair's a mop, I look like a hooligan. Start talking about when i dress to go to school, how my shoes aren't polished and one of them has laces that show the white inner. How my hair's messy at the back, if i saw someone in jeans and someone in a suit in the street, who would i think was respectful? They told me they shouldn't have let me into the school, they loved me too much, that's why, they should have let me go to this public school that has a reputation for being a mess, that i belong there, waste of money, they regret letting me go here, thought i was a respectable girl. 

Dad asked me again, who wouldd i think was respectful, the jeans or the suit, and I told him I don't know. We'll get to that later, but at that moment he sneered and snorted and looked at my mom. 'says she doesnt know' he jeers. I'd meant it as in 'i have no idea, please help me'. He took it as 'she doesn't know, and doesn't give a fuck'. I don't know how to look proper. they never taught me. they tell me that something looks good so i wear it. mom still buys my clothes for me. I have no fucking clue what looks proper and what doesn't. 

Anyways, somehow they moved onto uni, and my current work, and how I pull all-nighters and how dad thought i was smart but nopw he has no hope, how he sees me get up in the morning and know i'm going to fail the assessment, how i get distracted, how i take too long to shower, how i never learn, how i never help them around the house, they do everything for me and if he was in my shoes then he would work until 'smoke came out' (vietnamese saying), how he would be so grateful but i'm not and they're going to leave me (which is a normal threat for them lol) and how they're going to die (another normal threat, dad has a lifelong illness and mom has been struggling with leukaemia for years) and they're not going to pay for uni if i get a stupid degree, only if i get a good degree like they want which will actually help me (law), if i want to become an engineer (something im considering) then i can pay for it myself, then again it's not like i'm even going to get into uni, when they look at me, they have to think of the girl i was when i was five because if they think about me now they feel sad, they won't look at me because I make them sad, they had so much hope for me, now down the drain, no, down to the sewers, look at my cousins going out, one of them had piercings and infections and almost got tattoos and is a nurse in a prison with a husband who stressed her out so much she passed out at work, do i want that, that's what i will get if i dont work, basd job, assisstants have to buy pads for their bosses, horrible child, this will end one of two ways, one i listen to them and come back years later to thank them or i'll look up at the stars and wish that i'd listened to them and they regret having me and caring for me, if only they'd been better parents, they'd been too lenient, but i don't care do i because if i cared it'd show in my working to please them and i haven't done that so that means i don;t care about them.

Dad told me it was too late to change, then switches to tell me it's not too late, they ramble on about my internet use, (i have to ask them for internet) and i'm not acutlalyu doping work on it, i'm just fucking around, they kjnow, they know, i can lie all i want nbut it's true. Horrible child, they'll die, they'll die, That's the end of the conversation, we're not going to talk about it anymore. No, stop talking. I'm going to tell you this until i die. I'm going to keep saying it, beccause it's better that i say it and you not listen than i dont say it and regret not saying it. (okay, i can;t currently remember anything else of what they said lol.). By the way, you wanna know abt

[asks didn’t arrive and I asked for the last bit again]

ok lets hope to god this sends then. i think i know where i was up to - 'do you want to know about what was wrong with the photo' i think was meant to be that. anyways, yeah. guess what was wrong with it. i had a fucking splinge. like my hair was parted and a bit of the part was split. that's all i can see that's wrong with it. maybe my hair looked oily? idk but that's all i noticed. also said something after that about do u remember when dad asked me abt who did i think looked better the suit.

also can i add something i just remembered which is that one of them put folders on my shelf and mom told me she knew i put them there to hide what i was looking at on my laptop from her when i??? didnt??? put them??? there??? in the first place???? (the layout of my room allows the folders to block the view of someone from the door basically) i put new folders there after i think my dad put them there but i didnt originally put them there??? sorry it was a full ask rant and i have no idea what the freak i typed and what i didnt lol. but u get the gist i think. big fat lecture.

i am tired. my eyes were puffy and there was like this pool of snot floating on top of this pool of tears if you did get the ask sorry u had to read that twice. :(. i mean even tho u didnt see it i was able to let it all out. not sure if it made me feel better about anything but being able to do it at all is rlly nice. Thank you for that.

-----

No wonder you’re tired, nonnie... I’m really glad you could get all of this off your chest, and really sorry that you have to hear those awful things about yourself coming from your parents.

I’m a white European, so I don’t share many of your experiences and I don’t know how it is to live in a Vietnamese family, but I hope it’s okay to compare it a little bit with my experiences in my (very Christian) family--if not, you can absolutely skip the next paragraph! 

I have had a bunch of conversations with my therapist about traditions, religion, and misogyny, because since I cut my mother off, my grandfather has lectured me many times about how I am a bad daughter for looking out for myself and putting my life first instead of being devoted to my mother’s wants and needs. He told me that she’s sick and I’m horrible for not caring about that and abandoning her, and that if she doesn’t love me, I just have to work harder until I "crack her walls”. (As if I haven’t tried already, and as if she didn’t use her very mental illness as an excuse to abuse me). My therapist basically told me that sometimes, being the Disney villain in some people’s stories means you’re doing something right, because their vision of what’s right and what’s wrong (especially when it comes to daughters and women in general) is designed to hurt you, to make you put your family before yourself. That it’s never wrong to put yourself and your needs first, and that kids don’t owe their parents anything just because the parents brought them into this world--that was the parents’ choice, not the kid’s, and therefore it’s the parents’ responsibility to care for their kid, whoever that kid turns out to be; and not the kid’s responsibility to be the model child that the parents had in mind or to care for them.

Your parents belittling you for things you have little to no control over and accusing you of being responsible for their future deaths, for not knowing things that haven’t been explained to you, for not living up to their expectations without even giving you a chance to try, and for not “working for them as hard as they would in your place”, are all red flags of emotional abuse. Accusing you of things you don’t do and constantly drilling into your mind that they “know” you’re a horrible person who doesn’t want to learn or change is a red flag too, and probably an excuse to take the guilt off their shoulders for not taking the time to guide you in life and to explain anything to you before accusing you of not knowing it already. “It’s too late” puts the blame on you, but what it actually means is probably something along the lines of “It’s easier to scream at you than to put realistic expectations on you and then help you achieve them while respecting your boundaries and allowing you to make mistakes, but I don’t want to feel guilty about it, so let’s pretend you’re a lost cause, yeah?”

I used to go to a private school too, and my mother repeatedly told me that was the reason she struggled economically and that I had ruined her life. It wasn’t until I talked about it in therapy that I realised that I never had a choice in what school I went to. Same as I never had a choice in anything my mother decided for me. So how could I be to blame for the consequences of those decisions? And how can you? If they buy you certain clothes, then they have no right to criticise how you look in them. If they chose to put you in a private school, then the money spent is on them, not you. You shouldn’t have to “prove” you’re worth their decisions for you or their basic care for you--they chose to give you that unconditionally the moment they decided to have you in the first place, and if they refuse to give it or threaten to take it away, it’s becuase they’re neglectful and/or abusive, not because something intrinsic about you justifies it. You’re not a bad kid; you’re just a normal kid with very bad parents. And I’m really sorry that you have to put up with them. You deserve better 😔

I’m here if you need to vent again in the future, nonnie. Sending a virtual hug ❤

bts as billie eilish songs

I love both artist so much because they are so diverse, so driven and in love with their art, so here’s what my mind created at 2am when i actually gotta study for an exam, but anyhow, enjoy

Jeon Jungkook - Ocean eyes 

“Can't stop thinking of your diamond mind Careful creature Made friends with time”

- color scheme: Venice lavender; purple rain; valor blue 

- grey clouds, quiet ocean, salty air, cold sand, bare feet, long sweater, careful wind, watery eyes, 

- angelic, naive, trusting, incapable of stopping emotions

- a feel of uncertainty for the future, because you still have so much to experience in life, it’s hard to know who to trust, where to go and what your tears mean, who you should give them to 

- young love, pain

- it basically speaks of someone who is impressed by another human - love based on instinct and intuition, when you’re young you just feel things, even if you don’t know where these emotions come from (jungkook-namjoon relationship) ; 

- trusting someone by the feeling you get around them, without being able to trust your common sense,

- have you seen jungkook’s beautiful, ocean, doe eyes ?? (if not, then wth you doin’ with your life))

Park Jimin - idontwannabeyouanymore

“I just wish you could feel what you say Show, never tell But I know you too well Got a mood that you wish you could sell

Tell the mirror what you know she's heard before I don't wanna be you anymore”

- color scheme: pale smoke; scotch mist; apple blossom 

- cold air, morning dew, raindrops at the bottom of your window, the fabric softener your mom uses to wash your sheets, soft breathing on the side of your neck, white mirrors 

-  self-persuasion, self-critique, inner conflict, serenity, content, libra’s aesthetic approach

- if you have listened to lie and looked at the lyrics, you know why i chose this song for jimin 

- you basically get the feeling that the person is speaking to himself in this song, trying to find an answer, as to why he puts himself through all these hardships, when he could break free from this vacuum of perfectionism he created for himself

- let’s be real, we all know what jimin had to go through and maybe is still going through with being too harsh on himself, with his body image and his appearance on stage, i hope he is doing well now and is content with himself, cause he is a 100/10 and we all love him so much 

Kim Taehyung - hostage; my boy 

“I wanna be alone Alone with you - does that make sense? I wanna steal your soul”

“ My boy's an ugly crier but he's such a pretty liar”

- color scheme: concord purple; red wine; aurum gold

- big windows, night sky, city view, studio apartment, dark walls, smell of acrylic paint, ripped jeans with that paint splattered on them, acoustic guitars on the walls, quiet jazz music, film paper smoke, deep laughter, strong arms around your waist

- artistic freedom, no fear of judgement, mutual understanding, chest butterflies, assurance, hope, soulmates, in tune with your emotions, who cares if the world doesn’t get us, we get us

- hostage just reminds me of two people, who connect on a soul level so much, that what happens is their love turns into mutual engagement, similar to keeping each other as hostages in their hearts, however i wanted to turn the meaning of that song less toxic for taehyung,, 

- i believe that if there’s a member that would want to connect with people in such level as the song suggests, it would be taehyung

- as for my boy, idk it just gives me a similar base line as in singularity, and i don’t know it’s just probably my fave song of billie and i feel like it is just taehyung’s vibe when i listen to it 

Jung Hoseok - bellyache

“ Everything I do the way I wear my noose Like a necklace I wanna make 'em scared like I could be anywhere Like I'm wreck-less

I lost my mind I don't mind “

- color scheme: marigold yellow; apricot orange; candy red

- summer heat, tan skin, blushed cheeks, endless roads, loose shirts, scratched knees, rich kids away from home, one backpack and a shiny red ford convertible from your bf’s dad’s garage, loud music, lips, swollen from kissing, night fireworks

- fed up with everything, escape from reality, that one summer you will never forget, vibrant love, point of no return, rhythm, gut intuition, boldness 

- i don’t know exactly either, it’s just these are the connections i make when i hear this song, and all of that screams hobi to me (aries moon) 

- also am i the only one who imagines he would make a killer dance routine to that song (but again he could probably dance to a water drops going down a pipe, so,,)

Namjoon - bury a friend; copycat 

“What do you want from me? Why don't you run from me? What are you wondering? What do you know? Why aren't you scared of me? Why do you care for me? When we all fall asleep, where do we go? “

“ Perfect murder, take your aim I don't belong to anyone, but everybody knows my name”

- color scheme: pearl river; silver fox, steel wood

- empty stage, burning projectors slowly being turned off, microphone heavy in your hand, as the words that went though it start to make sense, sweaty hair, footsteps echoing in the vast space, feeling of falling down, unexpected, but comforting hug, security, the calming scent of someone you know in this new environment, tears of fear and excitement at the same time, new life, new beginning

-  words said out loud, revenge, mixed feeling of content and fast approaching emptiness, always racing thoughts, insomnia, trying to fill a void, searching for an overall meaning, 

- so bury a friend is just has all these questions man. they remind me of rm’s mind. i feel like all of them are things he had already asked himself, or themes he implies in his songs too 

- copycat is for namjoon swiftly leading a group that got a ton of criticism in the beginning and is still getting hate, but regardless he manages to stay on top, write what he feels, be a real artist and throw everything people said about bts failing back at their faces 

Min Yoongi - lovely ; you should see me in a crown 

“Oh, I hope some day I'll make it out of here Even if it takes all night or a hundred years Need a place to hide, but I can't find one near Wanna feel alive, outside I can't fight my fear”

“ You should see me in a crown I'm gonna run this nothing town Watch me make 'em bow One by one by, one”

- color scheme: marble white; smoke ember; royal silver;  

- dark room, cold hands, shaky breath, unable to look at each other’s eyes, fear of the outside and the inside, pocket money, long fingers pressing the out-of-tune piano keys, weary smiles, small steps

                                          (....)

 steady hands, marble walls, scent of freshly printed documents, looking through a box of old photo albums your mom sent, turning the pages a larger hand stops you from flipping the next page, two teenagers than look awfully like you two are staring back fearfully, low chuckles, eyes full of love  

- strong minds, growth, stability, strength, control, prosperity, hard work, passion, ambition

- lovely is in here because i feel like it portrays struggles with mental health and depression very well. you feel trapped and you feel like there is no one else who understands your personal hell and you are the only one who has to find a way for yourself to get out of that place. yoongi has been in such places before as we’ve heard from him and his lyrics, so i though lovely represents his struggles when he was younger

- you should see me in a crown. literally that’s all i can say, he worked for his success and he got it and he deserves it and he is killing it right now

- yall don’t know the amount of respect i got for this man and everything he has been through and i feel like these two songs portray his lowest and his highest in life and take account every struggle along the way and how he truly deserves everything he has right now 

Kim Seokjin - when the party’s over

“ Don't you know I'm no good for you I've learned to lose you, can't afford to

Don't you know too much already I'll only hurt you if you let me

Quiet when I'm coming home and I'm on my own I could lie, say I like it like that, like it like that”

- color scheme: night snow, onyx black, muddy grey

- smell of liquor, messy steps, blurred vision, flood of thoughts, the darkest time of the night, dried streams of tears on your cheeks, your boyfriend’s hand quietly holding yours, but them you have to split ways, walking alone on the dead street, cold wind air hitting your face, but you find comfort in it, you reach home, but you can’t seem to go in; so you sit on the sidewalk, looking down; you hear distant steps; he sits down in the snow next to you; the sky slowly, but surely becomes lighter 

- quiet sadness, deeper understanding of the world, human relationships seem harder, yet simpler, timeless feeling, a sense of maturity

- this song is just a masterpiece. hear me out, i don’t think i would understand this song as well as i do now, if i have listened to it a few years back. I would have been like “oh yeah it’s sad”

-But like. no. It’s not just sad. It’s a song that shows so much maturity and experience with life that first of all, idk how billie is so young and is able to create music like that. Second of all i don’t think anyone else of bts would fit better to it, than jin 

- people tend to overlook his deeper emotions because he tends to distract from them, he always acts “silly” and tells jokes, but i feel like in songs like epiphany and awake we can see that jin really sees the world and his abilities from a much more mature point of view than other members. And i get the same vibe from billie’s song, so i feel like it would fit best for jin. 

So actually this was way longer than i planned, but yeah, this is just strictly my opinion and it was just an idea i had at 3am now, as i said, hope it’s fun to read :))

im off to bed, because i’m so sleep deprived i will start hearing colors soon 

my boy

chapter 1: eighth grade

“who’s richie?”

“he’s my boyfriend,” she began, her eyes glazed over and a pleased smile on her face. puppy love; something eddie would never get the chance in having with richie.

summary: ever since they met in eighth grade, richie had been disappearing for weeks (even months) at a time, leaving eddie to think they’re on bad terms; though, that’s not really why richie disappears.

warning(s): language.

author: richie (sunflowerrichie)

note: this book is based off real life events, so if the details are too exact, that’s why. i don’t know how many chapters there will be at the moment due to events after the 7th chapter not happening yet, but i will let you guys know when i’m going to post the next chapter.

word count: 2,076

ao3: x

tagging: @addimagination

“who’s richie?” eddie had asked myra, his doe eyes wide and questioning; he briefly thanked whatever god was out there that the girl could not see him, for she’d read right through him. if eddie could go back in time from where he was now, he would’ve never asked that simple question containing only two words, though he already knew this was another one of her unsuccessful boyfriends. there was a comic book in his hand, one he disregarded the second someone new was mentioned.

myra fixed her hair from where she was lying on the couch, responding quickly. “he’s my boyfriend,” she began, her eyes glazed over and a pleased smile on her face. puppy love; something eddie would never get the chance in having with richie. “he’s tall and lanky... got dark, black hair; i’m surprised you haven't seen him around, eddie.” 

myra had met eddie in sixth grade, easily becoming friends with the hypochondriac. the smaller boy made a habit of wiping her desk down with cleansing wipes before she sat in it, and in return, she gave eddie platonic love. his mom loved her; for she was just as neat as her sweet eddie-bear and she vowed to make sure he’s taking his medication on time. she was much like sonia, actually; except for being a believer in ‘love at first sight’.

this wasn’t the first time she’s been head over heels for someone, nor would it be the last, but eddie was used to it at this point. each time, he’d make himself presentable for her boyfriend, and each time, they’d never show much interest in the asthmatic boy.

eddie hummed, feigning carelessness and turning back to his book. “is he in eighth grade, too?” he had asked, flipping the page over, though his ears were perked up and his eyes were no longer scanning the words printed nicely on the paper.

“yeah,” myra responded, her voice like she was up in the clouds, high on euphoria. she snapped back quickly, glancing down at the boy on the floor and catching his eyes. “you should talk to him; i think you would start to like him,” more than you think, eddie would learn to realize. before he could decline the offer, though, she was speaking again. “he likes david bowie... and what’s that one song you like?” she paused, her eyebrows scrunching together. “uh... something about the rains in africa?”

eddie perked up quickly, his hot chocolate colored eyes twinkling with the white marshmallows sculpted deep inside them. “africa by toto,” he had said, his cheeks growing hot. eddie kaspbrak loved music, he always had; and now that he would potentially have someone to discuss this love with, he was immediately hooked. he found out three years later, though, that it did not work out the way he had planned. he snapped out of his daze, his smile still apparent. “is he coming over?”

the girl grinned from ear to ear, unbelievably delighted that her best friend was keen on meeting her boyfriend. she looked down at her phone then, the screen lighting up and reflecting on her face in a green kind of glow, the color of her lock screen. “he said he’s on his way,” myra started. “he lives just down the street, so he’ll be here in a few minutes.”

the short boy was struck with a sort of fear then, subconsciously fixing his hair. he nodded, biting his lip and trying not to act suspicious (though this was normal for him; he was always afraid new people would think he’s too messy, too uncaring). myra didn’t seem to notice, though, and kept staring at her phone with a smile, typing away at the keys. at this realization, eddie stood up and coughed awkwardly. “i’m gonna go use the bathroom.” once he got an ‘okay’, he started walking.

when he came out of the bathroom after a few deep, calming breaths and a puff of his aspirator just in case, his clothes were freshly lint-rolled and perfect, his hair was combed and neat, and his teeth were nice and brushed. his fanny pack was around his waist, keeping him grounded and secure. he heard talking from the living room and walked into the doorway, his hands cupped at his front.

richie tozier turned to him, a wide grin on his face and his glasses askew. eddie let his eyes drift around the boy, taking in every detail he could in the three seconds he allowed himself to stare. richie had a grey shirt on, a white and navy blue hawaiian shirt draped over it. the fabric was loose on his skinny frame, and eddie noticed three cigarettes extended out of his pocket, making the small boy’s hands start to shake. his pants were black and tight, complimenting his long legs. and to top it all off, he had black and white slip-on vans over his green and purple socks. he didn’t match; but it suited him in a way eddie felt jealous of.

“like whatcha see?” the tall boy asked, making eddie blush in realization that he noticed the staring. before he could respond, myra spoke again, catching the asthmatic off guard. he had forgot she was in the room.

“richie, this is eddie,” she gestured towards him. “eddie, this is richie,” and back towards richie.

the glasses-clad boy grinned even harder, making eddie wonder if his face would split in half with the force of the grin. the smaller boy looked over to myra quickly, her giving him a smile and her eyes saying ‘this is normal, don’t be alarmed’. he stepped forward and stuck out his lanky arm, waiting for the small boy to shake it. he didn’t; he was afraid richie would think his hands were too rough (he forgot to apply lotion). “richie tozier.”

-

one week after richie introduced himself to eddie, the asthmatic was at myra’s house again, same as last weekend. “what did you get for number 6?” the girl asked, flipping her paper over and furrowing her eyebrows. she was across from eddie on her bed, both of them lying on their stomachs and going over their math homework.

“two,” eddie responded easily, writing something down on his paper. he then paused for a while, his hand hovering over his paper as he thought. “what do you want to do tomorrow?” he asked, looking up at her with hope in his eyes. hope that richie would come over again. hope that they’d have another chance to all watch a movie together (he had sat on the ground the whole time, though, trying not to pay attention to the sound of their lips smacking together every once in a while and the bounce of richie’s leg on the carpet). he hadn’t got that close to richie yet, for he’d have to take a puff of his aspirator every time he thought about it; but with richie’s loud mouth and his easy-going attitude, it was slightly easier than he thought.

myra hummed, looking up at him briefly before turning the page in the blue textbook. “i was planning to have richie come over at around ten in the morning,” she spoke, seeming to think them over as they floated out of her mouth. “is that okay?” she blushed slightly, looking back up at eddie.

the small boy nodded, pulling his phone out quickly to set an alarm for nine in the morning. he told himself he’d need time to wake up, but he knew deep down that he really only did that because he wants to look good for the taller boy. “that sounds good,” he smiled, glancing at the time quickly. he stood up then, grabbing his fanny pack and snapping it around his waist again. “be right back, i gotta take my medicine.”

the second it turned nine o’clock the next morning, eddie’s phone was ringing and the sound was echoing through myra’s living room. the small boy groaned and rolled over, shutting off his alarm and rubbing at his eyes. when his mind got a chance to catch up and his first thought was richie, though, he was up and rushing to turn the shower on.

when richie opened the door an hour later, he was grinning and his nose was a different color, the cold, november air outside making his skin blush red.

“spaghetti!” he yelled, immediately taking interest in the asthmatic boy, much to his surprise. “i was hoping you’d be here again!”

eddie blushed deeply, water pooling behind his eyes due to embarrassment. “hi, richie,” he spoke softly, the name unfamiliar on his tongue as he scanned the room for myra (he hoped briefly that he’d get a chance for the name to finally become familiar flowing out of his mouth). “uh, myra will be here in a second, she went to-“

the taller boy cut him off quickly, wrapping his lanky arm around his shoulders. “no worries, short stack,” he started, not coming off offensive but more... fond; as if he’d known eddie since they were in sixth grade, too. “for i, the one and only richie tozier, would not mind hanging out with my favorite eds!” he finished off in a loud, almost ear-ringing, voice, grinning down at eddie, his ocean blue eyes gleaming.

before the brown-eyed boy could respond with a ‘don’t call me that’ and a soft shove, myra was walking through the doorway and richie’s arm was unwrapping itself from his shoulders, leaving him with a heart that had plunged down into his lower stomach. “i see you two have made friends with one another.” friends. all they would ever be.

to that, richie nodded, the grin still on his face. does he ever stop fucking grinning? “we have, haven’t we, spaghetti head?” the words seemed as if they came from another planet, for the sound of blood rushing behind his ears was too loud for the small boy to process what richie was saying.

he excused himself to go use the bathroom then, and when he got there, he realized he might as well have been losing his mind. “keep it together, kaspbrak,” he said to his reflection, swallowing down a lump in his throat. “it’s just richie,” the name was still unfamiliar, “just myra’s new, unsuccessful boyfriend, richie.”

when eddie finally got himself to come out of the bathroom and walk into the living room again, he was stopped dead in his tracks. myra’s pinky was looped around the taller boy’s and words were flowing out of his mouth beautifully.

“-i promise, okay? i’ll always be here for you,” and then he was moving his hand up and extending his thumb to kiss. “i never break a pinky promise.” if only eddie would have known those six words would be repeating through his head painfully for three years afterwards. richie looked like a totally different person when he was serious, eddie then realized. he felt anxiety creep up his body with the question ‘i wonder if i’ll ever be in myra’s spot’. he knew he’d probably have an asthma attack due to richie’s eyes alone.

-

“me and richie broke up,” is what eddie heard five days later coming through his cell phone speaker, the owner’s voice broken and rough. “i-i didn’t-”

“wait, wait, what happened?” the brown-eyed boy asked, more curious than sympathetic.

“he pinky promised me!” she wailed, ignoring his question and making eddie move the phone an inch or two from his ear. “he said he never breaks pinky promises, and he did!”

-

eddie stopped talking to myra after that. not because of any particular reason, but just simply because of the fact that whenever he looked at her, all he could think about was richie’s arm around him and richie’s pinky promise and richie’s beautiful, blue eyes. the two boys never swapped numbers, so eddie had to spend the rest of eighth grade wondering if richie was ever really his ‘friend’, or if he was only taking interest in the hypochondriac because of myra.

what he didn’t realize until three months later, though, was that richie actually never did break his pinky promise. he was still there for myra if she needed him, but eddie guesses he lost interest in being something more than acquaintances. richie was good with his words and eddie was destined to be wrapped around his finger sooner or later.

It was uncharacteristic of the young Rancher to barge so hurriedly out the door. The letter he had received just moments before was crumbled in his hand and quickly shoved into his leather coat pocket. Taking a mount meant for the caravan, he jumped into the saddle and rode off. Somewhere along the way he only managed to give his father a look. Nothing said, just a single look of urgency.

Reese made his way into the Maiden’s Whisper, his light eyes moved about the room in a cautionary glance. The city is the last place he should be. He hadn’t recognized her at the far end of the counter where she was finishing off a plate of eggs and bacon. She washed down the last bite with a glass of water, swishing it around before swallowing.

 A gloved hand tipped his large brimmed hat to the bartender before setting it aside on the counter and the mask covering the lower half of his face was tugged down so that he could order a simple breakfast with a tall glass of orange juice.

 The woman watched him walk in from the corner of the bar, and continued to observe as he ordered his breakfast. She figured she’d let him settle before approaching. Once he was, she took a deep breath and moved around the bar, stepping close enough to be heard. “Hey, ya made it…” she said in a lighter tone, “Wasn’t sure if m’ letter made it.”

“It made it.” His answer came with a turn of his head in her direction and his hands began to work on his worn gloves. “Ya ain’t gotta reason t’ shank me so I’m here.” The gloves were set aside with his hat and he moved over for her.

 She stepped closer, nodding to his words while watching the tavern keep prepare his breakfast. “I owe ya an apology, Reese. M’ sorry I ran out on ya the way I did, it wasn’t right of me ta not give ya any word, or reason.” She admitted, looking down at the counter.

 “An apology?” He spat out with a short chuckle, “You?” He shook his head, keeping his voice low with another cursory glance around the room. “I halfway expected ya t’ ditch me.” His shoulders rolled once as he watched her attention linger on the counter.

 Becker bit the inside of her cheek, forcing a smile, “Yeah, heh, it’s my way ain’t it? I ain’t do commitment. Ya almost had me turnin’ inta a city girl. Couldn’t have that…” She said with a shake of her head. Exhaling once then finally looked over, “Ya remember our last day t’gether?”

 “A city girl?! I ain’ even a ‘city boy’!” His brows furrowed at that. “We owned one lil’ shop here an’ it marks ya fer life.” He shook his head. “Our last day? What about it?”

 She shrugged, “Felt pretty permanent ta me. I ain’t even owned nothin I couldn’t take with me.” She waved off the comment. “Dun’ matter. I was just wondering if ya recalled any of that day.”

 “I remember a little of a lot of days.” He tipped his head to the bartender as his plate was set in front of him. He pulled it and his newly poured juice closer before taking a deep drink first. “Do you remember any of it?” He countered to her.

 “Course I do. I thought about it a whole lot, wondered if I made the right decision. I ain’t an indecisive person, ya know. When I make a decision, I’m sure of it.” She said with an affirmative nod. “But when it came to ya, ya made everything… slippery. Ya made it hard ta decide. All I know was I wasn’t gonna settle. I wasn’t ready, n’ a part of me wanted ta be. I knew what was best fer us both n’ I split. I was scared. But, I think it was all in the right, it ended better than I coulda expected.”  

 Reese stifled a small chuckle with a fork full of food and then another before washing it down with a gulp of juice. “Ain’ mean to make yer life difficult. Ain’ never wanted ya t’ settle either. I ain’ one t’ settle for. My family got our hands in more than I ever told ya an’ it ain’t yer deal. Too messy. Too unpredictable. And I knew ya wouldn’t be stickin’ around anyway. Ya always made some snarky comments ‘bout me, ‘bout our ‘relationship’. So it came as only a little shock when ya were gone and ain’ come back.”

 Becker watched him as he ate and talked. She even responded to his words with a nod. “Well m’glad I didn’t leave too much of a mark on ya then. Ya been well since?”

 He didn’t bother to remark on her comment and simply answered with an ‘Mmhm’ as he took another bite. He combed fingers through his thick hair pulling out a few sprigs of leaves in the process. He set them on the counter beside his gloves and hat. After all, he may have been the rough sort but he wasn’t disrespectful. “Other than us bein’ run out of th’ city by the Ascolonian nobles, yea. Lost our shop, for now. Ain’ a big loss, though. We got plenty others. An’ other business elsewhere.”

 Her brow arched, “Run out ya say? That ain’ no surprise, this city’s fulla assholes who think they’re better than the rest. Specially people like we are. Dun’ understand it? Get rid of it… that’s how they think…” She shook her head.

 “They ain’ like our affiliations with th’ Charr and we got largely boycotted. Ain’ nothin’ about not understandin’ us. They understood us well enough. Just not entirely. We don’ just cater to custom arms like they thought. Thanks t’ the wars, we got our military end still thrivin’. Our caravans still runnin and carryin’ arms where they need t’ be.” His shoulders rolled in another shrug. “Neither here nor there for ya. But that’s what it is.”

 “Yea, that’s the right of it to be sure,“ she agreed, “Well, it’s good ta know ya got somethin’ good happenin. War ain’t good for most, but yer line o’ business it is.”

 Reese waved it off, looking down at her side as he shoveled in another bite. “Where’s yer other half?”

 Becker glanced down, following his attention to her empty side. “Welp, Gypsy ran off with a pack up in Timberfalls, she’s gotta family of ‘er own. It happened while I was away, n’ I left her be. I visit her from time to time. Recently I been raisin’ Wyverns… n’ I jus’ got m’self a griffon egg last night. I always wondered what happened ta Nomad.. ya was good with him. Didn’t have the heart ta take him with me… I didn’t know where or what I was gonna do at the time, didn’t know if I could keep um in my circumstance.”

 “I sold ‘em.” He commented as he turned back to his plate, taking another bite. His light eyes shifted her way after. When she looked over, her eyes widened at his comment. “ya sold ‘im? Ta who? Ya didn’t wanna keepum?”

 “What for? He was yers and ya bailed.” His brow perked as he watched her.

 She looked away, frowning. “Kinna thought he was both ours.”

“Can’t be both ours if’n one of us ain’ wanna be there no more.” Reese countered.

 Becker looked back to him and her jaw clenched, “I was happy there yanno, till we fucked it up.”  That was when he took a piece of well cooked bacon and bit into it. “We?” he asked as he chewed. She gave him a firm nod, “Yeah -we-. I got pregnant, Reese.”

 He was in the midst of picking up his glass when he paused at her declaration. He looked her dead in the face, “You got pregnant and thought that was th’ best time t’ leave? And not tell me? What happened?”

 She raked her hand through her hair, exhaling a deep breath. She turned away and watched the tender work. “I got scared I told ya. I didn’t know what else ta do. I didn’t wanna tell ya cause I knew ye’d wanna keep it and raise it, and I ain’t the motherin’ kind. I ain’t got no business…” she frowned and looked away, obviously pained.

 “Yer damn right I’d wanna keep it! That’s blood, Quinn.” His jaw tensed and his rough hand pulled down his face. “If’n you ain’ want no part of it that’s on you. I coulda taken it and you coulda been on yer merry way.” He didn’t look away, still staring hard at her. “What did you do?” His words were enunciated with his rising anger.

 Becker looked back at him, listening and taking in his words, her eyes brimming. She blinked and then swallowed. “I gave him ta a family in Beetletun.” Her arms crossed tight around her midsection and she went on, “He’s a handsome boy, got yer eyes, got alla ya, none of me. Yer eyes… he got yer exact eyes.”

 “Him? I have a son?” His face fell and if there ever was rage to be seen on this man, it was now. “You gave -my- son away?”

 She looked away, her pained expression changing to guilt. “They took me in, gave me a place ta stay until he came…. They couldn’t have no babies of their own. They cleared m’ name in exchange. I didn’t want him growin’ up like me. They’re good ta him… I make sure of it.”

 “And not once did ya think that maybe I wanted him? Not once did ya think I had a right t’ him?” His jaw clenched and his words were clearly articulated. “You bartered our son for a clear name?!”

 “Naw, I didn’t barter him they did it outta kindness. Cause I gave um the one thing the couldn’t never have. They love um, like I never saw in m’ life…” She exhaled, “Yea I knew ye’d want him. I wasn’t even gonna have him. I wanted ta off myself, they stopped me. I got arrested n’ taken in, told um I was carryin’ and the Lieutenant took me home, I didn’t know what for. He fed me dinner, talked me down, told me that he and his wife would give me room n’ board, even money if I had the baby n’ let um keep it. I told um I didn’t want their money, I just wanted peace, n’ ta stop livin’ on the run from the law, so he told me he’d clear m’ name after the babe was born and I could start anew, so I did.”

 “You bartered him. No matter how ya spin it t’ make yerself feel good. Ya bartered him t’ clear your ass.” Reese’s face was now a seething red. “I’m getting’ him back. And whatever befalls that family is on yer conscience. That boy is an Eldridge an’ I have a right t’ my son.”

 Becker stared at him, her eyes wide and damp. “The hell ya gonna do? Walk in there and take him? He’s a Lieutenant in the Seraph Guard. Maybe ya kin’ explain who ya are, but yer gonna have a fight.” Reese scoffed at her warning and her suggestion was ignored. There was no way he was going to compromise with this couple. This was his son. A son he wasn’t given the opportunity to see come into the world or grow up. He missed seeing him make a mess of his food, take his first step, and possibly his first word. She robbed him of everything. She knew what family meant to him and she spat on it for the sake of her freedom. There was nothing she could say that would justify what she did. He was livid and seeing red. “Don’t you worry ‘bout what I plan t’ do. An’ don’t think ‘bout warnin’ ‘em. I gotta big family and we can handle more than a Seraph. What he did was against th’ law, anyway. And me and mines will be ready for a fight. We hunt monsters all through Tyria. A man in th’ Seraph ain’ shit.”

 Squeezing her eyes closed, she wiped at them with both hands. “Yer right, all of it. What I did was wrong, I ain’t arguing that. I did what I thought was best for him, but ya got a right ta do what ya feel is best, too. So, ya do that. I ain’t on anyone’s side but Mason’s. I want him ta be safe.”

 Mason. His son’s name was Mason.

 Every movement of his was angered; seething. His jaw was clenched and he made sure she was aware of it. Never had he been an angry person and never had he shown an inkling of it around her. Until now. ”What you did, Quinn, is UNFORGIVABLE.” He swallowed hard. “How old is he?”

 Again, she swallowed while taking the brunt of his words, accepting them. “He just turned three.” She wiped at the corners of her eyes again, “He won’t remember um, if ya take him now. Won’t even be effected by it all….” She blinked hard, looking away. “I look after him from afar. I’m guessin’ ya ain’t gonna let me do that no more.”

 “I ought t’ shoot you” His words held no remorse. “Three years old. THREE YEARS!” He sucked in a deep breath while his eyes welled up, going bloodshot in agony and rage. He had no care for how distraught or upset she looked. He didn’t believe it. “You wanna see him when ya gave him up in the first place? Ya want me t’ do YOU favors when ya took my son away?!” His head shook slow from side to side. “If’n ya ever meant anythin’ t’ me, yer a stranger now. I feel nothin’ but hatred for you. Ya better hope I find my kid.”

 Becker glared at him. “Ya didn’t look for me neither, Reese! I left, but ya haven’t given a shit ta know where I went for three years. Ya coulda known earlier at yer own accord.” She sniffed. “I wasn’t hidin’ nothin’ from ya and ya still wouldn’t know unless I came here t’day ta tell ya. Sonnovabitch. I did him good, he might be yer son but he was in my body!” She pointed to her stomach, “So I did what I thought was right by him, and he’s happy now. I made him happy. I hope ya kin say the same!” She shouted back at him.

 “Don’t give me that. You don’t know that I didn’t look for ya, cause I did. I even slummed at the damn Sun where we met. I looked around every damn bush, while on every damn caravan. Don’t think ya know me so well that you ain’ mean a damn thing. I loved you. I wanted ya back. But after a while, after years of remembering all the things ya liked t’ drill in m’ damn head, I gave up. Ya didn’t want me, and evidently ya ain’t want what we made in our brief happiness. That’s on you. Not me.” He sucked in a deep breath. “Can’t find someone that ain’ wanna be found.”

 Clenching her teeth, she fought the full blown raw emotion tearing at her from the inside, spilling from her eyes. “I’m sorry, I know that dun matter but I’m so fuckin’ sorry, n’ I hate myself fer what I did ta us, ta ya, ta everything. I thought maybe comin’ ta tell ya after he was born, maybe we could kidnap him n’ start over…. But I didn’t know how ye’d take it. Then I saw he had good people who loved him, and I felt wrong takin’ him from um. And I knew ye’d hate me fer my choices…. I fucked everythin’ up, like I always do, but I want ya ta know, I did love ya, n’ I wish I coulda been a good momma ta him and raised him with ya.”

 “That ain’t love. Love ain’ takin’ away a babe cause yer scared. Love is knowin’ that they got yer back even if ya’ll ain’ work out. Ya KNOW how we are with family. My mum is in a wheelchair and we all take care o’ her- From sons and daughters to cousins and Uncles. Family is family. We even got adopteds in our brood. Yea, ya fucked up. Royally. I can’t say what I will do after I get him, where yer concerned. Ain’ makin’ no promises.” He snatches up his gloves and shoved them in his thick coat pocket.

 She nodded, getting her emotions reigned. “Y’ got a right ta how ya feel. Imma stand aside, I already done enough ta fuck things up. I ain’t gotta tell ya ta take care of him, I know ya will. All I ask is ya keep him safe. N’ I named him Mason. Ya kin do what ya want, but Mason Eldridge ain’t bad.” She cleared her throat and looked down, releasing a heavy sigh. “I’ll hope fer the best, expect the worst when it comes ta me. I know I deserve it. Ya take care, n’ keep him safe. Raise him right.”

 “I’ll raise him and any help I need won’t be from you. It will be from mine. He might keep th’ name if’n I decide not t’ erase ya entirely from his life. And mine.” He snatched up His large brimmed hat and rolled it in a way that it wouldn’t lose its shape. “You ain’ who I thought ya were, Quinn. Ya bartered my son. OUR SON. To SERAPH! Ain’ Seraph who killed yer beloved wolf before Gypsy?? And that’s th’ crowd yer leavin’ our son to?!” He didn’t bother to wipe his eyes. He was justified in his display of emotion. “And just so ya know, I was teasin’ about Nomad. He’s havin’ a blast on my Ranch.”

 Becker watches him, blinking and keeping her jaw clenched. There was nothing more to say to what he said, she just shook her head, swiped her sleeve over her reddened face to wipe away the tears. “I’m a real piece of shit. That’s why I ain’t in neither of yer lives. I know what I am. I ain’t denying any of it. Consider yerself lucky I left when I did. I won’t bother ya no more, Reese.” With that she turned away, walking out the door, feeling like the worst person ever.

 Reese slammed some coin on the counter, leaving a half full plate of cold food. He gave her time to disappear before he eventually made his way back out of the city and to the Ranch. Pops was waiting.

[[ collab with @luckybecker ]]

Who is your favorite OC? Pls share their backstory I must know👀

to be honest it’s totally Devon. I’ve had him sinceee about the 6th grade, and he’s been concrete since about 7th grade (I’m almost a junior!). He’s so important to me :’). Whenever I feel sad I just work on him or write about him and it cheers me up real fast. 

haha his backstory is a loooong, complicated mess. I literally went on an 1.5-2 hour rant about his backstory at a sleepover once, it was ridiculous how long it took for me to talk about him. I actually wrote a response for this ask yesterday, but it got deleted I hate my life. It was soooo long because I wrote it in the way I speak. You’re probably getting a lot more than you bargained for :’). I’ll put it below the cut so everyone else doesn’t suffer. 

im gonna use bullet points bc i like them and theyre shorter

note: universe is like. sci-fi. there’s space stuff you know

full name: Devon Mateo Westmore

born: August 16th 

a leo!!! do with that what you will

as far as parents go, they’re kinda dicks basically

Devon was a complete accident and he’s kind of treated as such

they’re pretty neglectful?? they really dont give a crap abt him frankly

they’re more interested in making bank with their jobs and turning up

has a sister who’s like graduating or smthn. she’s old. her name’s Lucía. 

she also could give less than a crap about him and had a similar experience with their parents; just wants to be free and have no attachment to this rando baby 

is a total Problem Child™ during school because of his messy life, just wants attention and love really but never really gets it

universally hated by teachers all his life

high school is especially rough he is a disaster

he’s basically like party all day every day bitches bc is parents are never home/probably wouldnt reprimand him for going out anyways

he drinks a lot, does drugs 

he bangs a lot of people irresponsibly. A LOT of people.

is a player tbh he will flirt with anyone. very pansexual. 

makes a lot of (bad) friends 2 fill the Void™ and does a lot of illegal things

anyway fast forward to when he’s like 17-18 and school’s like yep time to graduate!! and hes basically like

but he does graduate in order for the story to move forward

but now he’s like careers????????

all he’s kind of enjoyed is music throughout high school but he’s like thats not what i want to do. 

yolo, he probably says to himself one day. I’ll just join the military and become a space pilot because thats what I wanted to do when i was 8

so BASICALLY i haven’t figured out how I want this space military to work but he ends up in like an academy (he’s like around 19ish) or smthn 

this is where he starts to like chill tf out tbh

he discovers that he likes this a lot?? and he’s like dedicated to it???

a lot of like. coping happens and he has to figure out what kind of person he wants to be and recover™ himself

but yah he does well and he ends up being valedictorian nice going m8 

basically if you’re #1 in your class you get the opportunity to go to this like. school/training thingy. and it’s very exclusive but if you like graduate from their you’re like. set 

its like harvard except you could die there 

yolo, he thinks in yet another life decision he really shouldn’t be taking lightly. I want $$$$ so i’m about to make that place my bitch

he does not make that place his bitch

he suffers so much

by the end of the year/2 years he’s there, he does pretty well

He makes a bunch of good friends, and he gets a ton of experience. he’s really good because of it, as to be expected

while there the top of the class is this girl and her name is Adella

shes my daughter

Devon likes her but she’s like super stand-offish and he’s a party kid so he’s like

“hard pass.”

but he has like mad respect and he thinks she’s chill

the feelings mutual

anyways like RIGHT before they graduate she gets recruited to this special program because she’s top of the class and like disappears he never sees her again

sike

but not for a while at least……………

so like fast forward he’s like 23 maybe

he’s got a good job, he’s living it up really?? he’s just like pretty happy all around he has a life, an apartment, friends

he gets an email from this girl and she’s like yo

I’m Tamara, my mother passed away recently but I discovered that our parents are apparently siblings?? I never knew I had a cousin, I heard you live in the area and I was just wondering if you wanted to get to know each other 

and hes basically like damn if i’m about to pass up this chance!!!!!!!!

Tamara works as a programmer literally one (1) city away 

basically they just?? end up getting along really well?? Devon spends a lot of his off days hanging out with her

he’s so ecstatic to finally have someone who’s his family like she treats him like a little brother

probably Tamara also has a younger sibling, their name is Calix. they work as a doctor and dont see Tamara often but the two are close regardless

they’ll be important later but for rn they’re not relevant

anyway, at some point they make plans for Devon to meet Tamara and he ends up at her work

and she’s chilling with this guy who is absolutely

fucking

gorgeous

Devon’s sure he died, right there, behind a goddamn cubicle,,

he’s frantically trying to think up something suave to say (are you the only tennessee no– wait–) when Tamara notices him

she introduces him to her hot friend, his name is Shay

Devon tries to play it cool

“Hey would you mind if Shay came w–”

“NO NOT AT ALL I WOULDNT MIND”

they go out for lunch

he chills out a little bit on the way enough to be his usual self

Shay mistakes flirting for good-natured joking

Devon suffers

They exchange numbers 

cue pining 

Shay continues to be oblivious

He has to be told point blank by Tamara whos like “Please, for the love of all that is good, fuck him go on a date with my cousin.”

“Has he been asking me on dates every time he takes me out?? every time??”

I love Shay so much u dont even know

Shay is basically a really pure and happy person, literally nothing can get him down ever he’s just trying to live his best life

he’s everything to Devon, he’s so sunshiney and nice and Devon has just been through some stuff and his life is going well and now he has been blessed with this beautiful, perfect boy….,,,

it’s not like Devon has never dated anyone before, most of his relationships have been purely physical but he’s been in romantic relationships w people

but this is like. it he knows it. 

they date for about a year, everything’s fantastic

and then

things are heating up politically, and Devon’s in the military so they need him somewhere else

right now everyones living in like?? around india somewhere and they need him in like. canada.

hes understandably upset

he’s gotta move. acROSS THE GLOBE.

he’s not going to break up with bae but they’ve got to talk through this like Adults™

so they talk through it

and Shay’s basically like

“fuck no, i’m moving with you idiot

did you think you were just going to move away from me bench?? sike”

they move in together

I used to have their apartment layout drawn up on homestyler but they reset the system and it’s gone into the void so i’ll have to remake it :’)

so now they’re moved in which is super great everything is popping

remember Calix? they’re relevant again

basically, Calix has been dating this girl for a while now and they’ve gotten serious but their relationship is not working out because she is a mess tbh and they love each other very much but they are not good for each other

Calix isn’t emotionally receiving or helpful he’s very blunt so they end up splitting up because she doesn’t need a relationship  

Said girl is Adella

Adella is a mess basically

the program she was recruited for made her very successful, very well known in her field and in a lot of ways, among common people

but downside is there was a lot of government dirty work she was kind of pressured into doing

there’s also a lot of hush hush skirmish’s that have been occurring that she had to stop

she’s been struggling with depression for a lot of her life and she has PTSD so when her contract is up she decides to take a break™ 

her and Calix’s relationship kind of falls apart but she’s friends with Tamara and she’s like I need to leave somewhere and get out of this messiness, i’m going to move back home (Canada)

Tamara is like

LIGHTBULB DING DING DING

she doesn’t think that Adella shoudnt be on her own, she wants someone to supervise her and make sure she doesnt accidentally starve or smthn

she has the best intentions but she kind of tricks Devon and Shay tbh

“Hey you guys got an apartment with an extra room?? Can you take in my friend for a while, she’ll pay rent, she has a job she’s just trying to find a nice place to live but she needs to move to the area rn”

the two of them are like “yeah sure lol sounds legit tammy we ly

Adella shows up on their doorstep with the intention to live there for like 2 years

cue Shay internally flipping his shit over this lowkey celebrity whos going to LIVE in HIS APARTMENT DEVON DID YOU CLEAN THE KITCHEN

Devon is not phased 

he knows Adella from school so he’s just kind of like hey its u whats banging girlie

he basically just treats her like normal and she is so appreciative 

basically they become SQUAD i love them and thats the beginning of my story and thus ends background 

i’m sorry this was so long i tried so hard but i got carried away. double sorry for taking so long I have like 3 end of school projects due rip me

Thank you so much for asking!! I can’t tell you how much it means to me :’)) If you made it this far through my story I applaud you. thanks for reading!!! Feel free to message me if you have any questions 

MAYBE ITS MY FAULT- CALFREEZY IMAGINE

So I got carried away and this is really long... But I also love it so I hope you do. //////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// Maybe I was the cause of all the problems in my relationship with Cal. Maybe it was actually me and not him. I mean we both had fucked up schedules and many times we went weeks without actually seeing each other. He goes to bed around three in the morning and I wake up at about four in the morning to train. I don't get home till about five and by then Cal is already filming or doing other things. I'm a gymnast and he's youtuber and quite honestly I thought his schedule was messing us up, but now I'm sure it's mine. I do an hour of yoga and stretching before eating breakfast and doing a few miles of running. Then I drive to the gym where I live from six to three. Then I finally head home to my flat and I'm exhausted, but it doesn't end there because after dinner I go back to the gym to teach a class for the little ones. Unfortunately, for my relationship, I do this Monday through Friday and weekends are the same minus teaching classes. Maybe I was the reason my relationship was failing. It was most likely me and the olympics. "Why are you falling off the beam on a simple turn?!" My trainer screams from the other side of the gym and I look up at him. "Because my relationship is failing!" I scream back. "Well get back on the beam and focus. Even the three year olds can turn on beam without falling and you have a gold medal on it." He has a point. You'd think after being an overall bronze medalist at worlds two years in a row and having a gold medal on beam at the olympics, I'd be able to do better. "Can you get through today's practice or do I need to send you home to work out your boyfriend troubles?" He asks and I shake my head. "No because he doesn't even realize that we're falling apart." I explain before stepping back onto the beam. "Nope get on down. You're not gonna get injured right now because you're unfocused." He reaches up and grabs my waist before pulling me down. "Go home, talk to him and come back here tomorrow ready to stick the routine we've given you because in two months you're competing in the qualifier and I need your head on straight and the routine clean." "Okay." I nod in agreement before walking over to my bag and pulling on my team Great Britain sweatshirt that match my blue shorts that sit on top of my leotard. Once I'm outside I pull out my phone and stare at it for a few moments. "Hey Cal, can I come over?" "Yeah of course. I just have some of the guys over filming. I thought you had training." "Let me out early, but I'll be over in a few. Love you." "Love you too. I'll unlock the door." He hangs up and by the time I get to the flat all I hear is pure chaos. "It's the Olympic gymnast who got stuck dating Callum!" I hear Harry shout before pulling me in for a hug. "Aren't you usually doing flips at this time of day?" He asks and I nod. "Coach sent me home." I explain as he steps away and let's Cal come over to greet me. "You hurt?" He questions before kissing me on my head. "No just off my game I guess. I mean I fell off the beam doing a simple pirouette and I'm the gold medalist on beam. I do pirouettes in my sleep." I ramble slightly and he notices something is wrong. "Well go change and join us." He pats me on the shoulder and I nod before placing my bag down and walking to his room. I pull off my leotard and other clothes before grabbing one of his weezy tops and pulling my shorts back on. I go to leave his room before looking in the mirror and realize I actually look like shit. "I'm not gonna be caught on camera with this." I mumble as I pull my hair out of the messy bun. I quickly put some concealer on my neck because a bruise the beam gave me looks like a hickey and then I'm 'ready' to be seen by others. "Guys look it's the girl with the Olympic gold medal." Someone throws a vlogging camera in my face. "Stop it. It was one gold medal." "Yeah but you're family has a room in their house dedicated to medals and awards that you received growing up." Cal points out "Well it's my only Olympic gold medal." "My bad I forgot about the bronze on uneven bars." "I could be better. Have you met the American team their incredible." I look down at my callused hands and think about the eighteen years of my life that have been dedicated to the sport. My twenty first birthday was spent at the gym training for nationals. I mean I pushed so much of my life off just to compete. Yet I still feel unaccomplished. Like I could do more and to others it sounds stupid but for me it's just the life of a gymnast. "Anyway I'm gonna go lie down. I didn't realize how out of it I am till now." I stand up off the couch and Callum looks worried. "Guys set up the video I'll be back." He follows me into his room and I take a seat on the bed. "What's going on? You haven't missed a day of training since you had the flu three months ago." He asks and I shrug while rubbing on my right ring finger that has the Olympic Rings tattooed onto it. "I'm ruining our relationship. I mean we barely ever see each other and when we do, the guys are around, or we're both out of it and tired. I mean we haven't spent time watching Netflix and relaxing together in months. I mean we maybe get to call each other every week or so." I shrug before looking up and facing the reality. "I mean you started dating me right after the Olympics and I'm not the same person I was back then. I had about three or four months of normalcy where I just hung out and relaxed and only went to the gym twice a week. Now it's a year later and I'm training hard for nationals and to make the national team for worlds. This is the real me and the real me is fucking up everything. I mean did you not notice my lack of presence at the party last week or that I wasn't there for the Sidemen football match? I mean I missed a lot and I feel like you don't care. Like it doesn't matter." "You think I don't care or notice that you aren't there? Cause I do and yeah it hurts but I don't say anything because you're pursing a dream and I'm not gonna stop you from doing that. You're incredible and I'm not gonna stop you from reaching you're highest potential. I don't wanna make you feel bad so I don't say anything. And yeah maybe you and I don't talk much and this is the first time I've seen you in person in a month, but I still love you. I mean what do you want me to say? That I mad? Cause I am, but I'm not gonna do that to you. I mean it sucks when all the others guys have their girlfriends around and we all go out to eat and mine isn't there because she's training. Yeah it sucks but I don't say anything because I'm not gonna stop you from doing you're best. Im not gonna make you feel like shit for doing you. So don't come in here and act like I don't try because it's you that doesn't have time for me." He shouts back and I realize that I was... no I am... the problem. "So what does this mean?" I ask and he places his hands over his face before looking up at the ceiling and back down to me. "I think it means we're done." He admits and I nod before picking up my bag and walking out of the room. "Wait where you going?" Harry asks and I just ignore him. Once I'm out of the flat I just run. I run to my car and I drive straight to the gym. "Why are you back here? I'm not letting you train upset." "I'm here because he fucking broke up with me." I finally respond after a few moments of silence. "And I'm ready to train." --//-- "You look so tense. Like go get a drink." My teammate jokes and actually consider that as an option. "I mean Cal and I split like a month ago and I have been quite lonely. I mean I haven't slept with a guy in so long. I mean it's hard to have a sex life when I'm always here." "Well there's always the boys." She motions over to the chalk bin where some of the Olympic guys are standing. "Mel really?" I fidget with my grips and she nods. "I mean I had that fling with Luke." She smiles and I look over at them. "They're just as horny as we are. Like I'm just about to for one of them at this point." She shrugs and I nod.s "Let them know you're single sweetie." I wink before grabbing her hand and pulling her over to the chalk bin by the bars. "Move it or lose it boys." I smirk before looking up. "Or do something with it." "Oh is that right?" Ash grabs my waist and I nod. He pulls me closer to his body and leans down to kiss behind my ear. "I'll see you by my car." He leaves another kiss on my neck before looking around. "I'm sorry do you guys need some space?" I hear my coach shout and I quickly pull away from Ash and turn around to face my trainer who is holding up an elastic band. "I thought we were doing bars." I raise an eyebrow and he holds up another elastic band. "You and Ash here and gonna be having fun today and not the fun you wanted to have." He throws the bands at us and I contemplate throwing myself on the ground and crying. "Feet together and up the rope. Come on you two, now you're gonna do that ten times each and once you're done do it another ten times." He shouts and Ash looks at me while smirking. "Good I'll get to see your cute ass climb up the rope." "Not gonna be cute when he makes us do even worse things. Last time he caught me kissing my boyfriend I was sixteen and he made me do twenty times up the rope, a five mile run, and thirty standing tucks before making me call the boy and tell him he would ruin my future and I couldn't date him." "Wait really?" "Yeah and he only let me date after I won gold on beam. Now he's pissed because of you because he thinks you're gonna ruin my chance at gold again." I explain while tying my ankles together. "What about my chance at gold?" He jokes and I grab onto the rope. "My bad I mean my chance at gold for the third worlds in a row." He reaches over and tries to tip me over before climbing up the rope. --- "So Im gonna go take an ice bath. I gotta take an ice bath." I limp over to ice baths as Asher follows me. My trainer had us do five miles, and then it got worse. Back tuck followed by a burpee. Twenty sets of five followed by chin ups on the high bar and then he made me continue running. Then he made me do my floor routine full out four times in row. The worst was that Ash was allowed to stop after the running and he sat back cheering me on while laughing. "Can you possibly carry me?" I ask and he grabs onto my waist and throws me over his shoulder. Once we get to the ice baths he puts me down and I slowly climb into the freezing water. "How's the boyfriend been?" He asks and I can't help but laugh. "I wouldn't have flirted with you if he was still my boyfriend." I explain and he leans against the edge of the tub next to me. "Why'd you split?" "I don't have time for a relationship when I'm here being an Olympic gymnast." "Oh trust me... There's time. That one hour break we get between twelve and one for lunch and then the break we have from three to seven and again when you have a break at nine after you're done teaching the little ones. Trust me there's time, but unless both people are trying, you won't feel like there is time." "And weekends at night. You're boyfriend sounds like an ass." He laughs and I shake my head. "No I'm the ass. I didn't try either. I wanted him to try and I couldn't expect him to." I look up at him and he shakes his head before standing up. "I can't sleep with you. I'm sorry but I was flirting back because I'm an ass but you love another guy. Like come on you still love Cal." He grabs my hand and pulls me up out of the ice bath. "You should stretch, take a shower, and go get your boyfriend back." "No I don't love him anymore, it's fine." I try to dissuade him and he smiles softly. "Can't do that to you. I mean you're on my Olympic team." He laughs and I cross my arms over my chest. "Okay, well thanks Asher." ---- "Hey Harry, is Callum home? I gotta talk to him." "Oh, what're you doing here?" He hugs me before pulling me inside and pointing to the kitchen. "Wait before I go, is he seeing someone new?" I ask and he shakes his head. "You're good." He laughs while motioning for me to follow him inside. "Callum? Can we talk?" I ask and he looks up before nodding and motioning for him to follow me. "Mind me asking why you're here?" He asks while shutting the door behind us. "Cause I got to practice and for the first time since I was sixteen I got fully punished. I had to climb the rope with just my upper body twenty times and then ran five miles. Then did so many back tucks into burpees that I almost passed out and it didn't stop there. I had to do chin ups and handstands and all that other shit before dying and doing my floor routine fully out." "The last time that happened I got caught having my first kiss outside. It was my first boyfriend and it was so worth the pain I endured after. However, today wasn't the same because I got caught flirting with another guy who then turned me down because he told me I'm still in love with you. And he's right, I am still in love with you, but he also made a really good point and I want you to listen." I place my bag down and he motions for me to continue. "He mentioned that I do have enough time for us. He pointed out that there is enough time and I think I messed up before and yeah I do want to get back together but please just tell me if I'm already overstepping my boundaries. I mean I'll just go now if you don't want to get back together." "Don't think that, please don't think that. Yes I want to get back together and yes I'll find a way to work this out so please don't cry." He pulls me into his arms and I wrap my arms around his waist. "Missed you shorty." He pulls away and brushes my hair away from my face before kissing me. "I love you." He picks me up and I place my face into his shoulder. "I love you too." I smile before leaving kisses on his cheek. "I love you so so much." I laugh as I keep leaving kisses on his cheek and he smiles before turning his head and kissing me again. "I'm not letting you go again."

Episode #8: “hoebi hears ALL things shady...” - Tobi

Ok I’m super excited because we finally got a challenge involving something I’m good at which is aesthetics. I fucking love moodboards and I really wanna win a challenge so I’m hoping I can win this.

So I am absolutely not creative at all so this challenge is gonna be a struggle for me so love that

So Wes was just voted out. Im neutural about it. Yes wes was a number, but it wouldve done too much drama to try and save him.  Im playing my game not his. He didnt do himself any favours.

This round my target is david. He seems like someone who isnt central to everyone. So therefore I think he would easier to get votes on. Plus scott has mentioned david annoys him. So im hoping that now i can managed to pull 2 people our way to vote our david.

people sure gettin feisty..

lets start off with missus dani and mr michael the obvious f2.. like bitch if ur gonna leak things i tell u dont make it obvious!! LAMFJHFG and now dani wants to flip the script on felix bc She Doesnt Want To Do What Shes Told. like gtfo :) ugh im sick of them both i wanna blindside them so bad..

and then i might get caught leakin if this shit gets out more.. hope the vote stays at felix vs david tho bc its bye bye david :)

uhm idk wha t more to say. im done with these mercia people..

Today... the tea... is absolutely STEAMING!! so initially the plan was for david to leave bc felix also wanted to blindside him... but scott's told michael who TOLD david about it and now david knows about it so the target is switched rn... Also more tea is that dani thought she was slick and told scott that she wanted to blindside felix along with scott, david, michael, some sweyn, and said ahrre would do whatever she said... what she said also insinuated that me, mo, and felix were on the bottom of our og tribe... guess she doesn't know that hoebi hears ALL things shady... looks like im flipping off of my og tribe for a 3rd org in a row ladies

im such a fucking  mess.... but thank god i have rhys/jones/ryan pickin up the pieces and we still blindsidin.. ALMFJBG

GOD I HOPE ITS DANI THO IM DESPERATE FOR HER TO GO. and i wanna show michael u dont fucking throw me utb n get away with it.. i may be inbred but im not completely dumb n i have the social bonds to stay aMJFHBG

im so dumb like i deserve nothing good after this.

pleaseletmewinpleaseletmewinpleaseletmewinpleaseletmewinpleaseletmewin i w a n t t h i s

SO MUCH HAS BEEN GOING DOWN GUYS this tea is HOT SO since before the Wes vote, Felix, Mo, Tobi, Scooty, Ryan, Rhys and myself were planning on voting for David for the F11 vote - because he's a comp threat and seems pretty set on not flipping on OG Mercia BUT when Scooty was chit chatting with his Canute bff Michael, MICHAEL SPILLED THE BEANS and basically threw Scooty under the bus, so David found out about the plan! I had to play dumb when David asked me about it, and I told him I had no idea (and he totally fell for it >:3c), BUT Felix heard about it and went to Ryan and it became A [clap emoji] CLUSTER [clap emoji] FUCK [clap emoji x3] Scooty also got tea from Dani that she wants to flip the script on Felix with Scooty, me, David, Michael, and Ahrre (she said Ahrre would follow along with anything bc they're paranoid asf) - SO she basically layed out the Mercia tribe Dynamics and indirectly said that Mo, Felix, and Tobi were on the bottom. Which honestly we knew, but that works perfectly for us Sweyn ;) So after I cleared everything up with Felix that Scooty never spilled the beans to David and that Michael is a total snake, we were thinking about what to do next -And because David knows his name's been mentioned, we had to tread carefully. So then we thought,, why not use this paranoia to our advantage? We can make David feel like he's a target so they can possibly play an idol on him (which is a HUGE possibility) but in actuality,,, we're voting for Dani or Michael. It's pretty obvious to everyone that they're a really tight duo and it would be great if we could split them up now before they go far. Right now everyone would definitely prefer to vote Dani (and so would I) because apparently she's a possible comp threat, and also she's v messy so there's that. but if she possibly wins immunity then the vote's changing to Michael. As long as that duo breaks up then we're solid. BUT THAT'S THE TEA FOR NOW I'll try to make another confessional if my dumbass remembers to <3

So I didn’t win, which makes me sad but I did come in second place. Another good thing is that Jones won and I’m allies with Jones so I’m very happy about this. Overall I’m happy.

Hey ya boy is back now I'm gonna recap last week cause my flop ass forgot to do it as it happened. Basically I didn't win immunity which is good. Then I went take a poopoo and when I come back everyone is saying Wes, so hey guess I don't work this week, a nice change compared to the week jose went home.

As for Wes well he hadn't been the most active and I really didn't had a bond with him so that seemed as a convenient vote to me. Aparently he was also targetted cause he was one point away from winning immunity? idk how much of a factor that was but hey kids all the more of a reason to throw them early challenges.

Now talking about tribe lines I'm doing my job talking with the other guys and letting them know I'm willing to work with them. However I'm keeping my eyes on them, specially Scott who seemed to have charmed Michael and Dani in after having flipped on Malik. Add to that the connections he probably has with his OG tribe and make no mistake he could very well be in the best position in this game, which means I will probably have to take a shoot on him sooner or later.

Tobi could also be in a similar postion since the other guys saved him when they had a 4-1 tribe divition advantage, but idk how much was up to Tobi chatting them up instead of Madison being a liability, but I will also keep an eye in him.

Additionally Michael is def not fully in with the idea of staying og tribe strong, which is fair enough. But he also told me Felix told him last week he wanted david out next week, so that would basically be this week. So I'm gonna have to learn more about that, also I never knew who originally threw Wes's name out and no one seemed to know but something tells me Michael had something to do with that as well.

So all in all that's a bunch of stuff I'm gonna have to act upon while keeping a low profile, but hey lazy week was last week so it's not time to get confortable and sit around without doing anything.

sooo i came online today to some messiness lmao. apparently danielle/michael/david all found out about felix's plan, and michael went to Felix and basically threw Scott under the bus about it lmfao. and they want to pull in Ahrre + some Sweyns to flip it on Felix and uh.... yeah no afkdsf. i was able to get felix back on the right page and i think we're good to go him/Mo + Sweyns and blindside Danielle or Michael hehe, because felix thinks an idol could pop up or something idk

so the new plan is blindside miss dani.. thank god LMAOAOAA i been wantin her ass out forever and i wanna have michael stay shook bc if he thinks im gonna be loyal to him after this.. lmao

SHE SHOULDA JUST SAT THERE AND ATE HER FOOD INSTEAD OF SITTIN THERE SAYIN ‘OH I DONT WANNA DO WHAT IM TOLD’ LIKE BITCH. YES U WILL. OTHERWISE UR ASS IS GRASS. THANK U, NEXT.

Okay, so Jones won immunity. Great! Sweyn on the immunity train.

So David was the original plan. However scott went around trying to swing it to david to people who cant keep their gob shut. Michael went to tell David, and david has come full circle and started asking everyone if they had heard my name. So now The sweynians have tried to swing the vote on Dani. As its seen that her and Michael are a pair & Tobi finds Dani annoying.

So we are going to keep the facade that its still David and try to keep telling Michael its David etc and get votes on David. When in reality thats a big fat lie. And Dani should be getting votes.

So tonight the vote is very simple. To vote Ryan however the complication comes from whether or not I go with the og sweyns to blindside David in an attempt to really open the game up and have less of a tribe vs tribe dynamic. Also complicating matters is the fact scott wants me dani and David to form a voting block with Ahrre and someone else to really control this game. It seems to me that I need to really think about my decision.

they better make up their minds whether its me or ryan bc i aint agreeing to a 5th name this tribal LAMFJHFG

So all this is messy and I just start thinking, why don’t I flip like David’s a threat and it would open up the game 100% and also if it was just a case of David vs Ryan id vote ryan but I like Rhys so.

So a lot happened and now it’s rhys but I don’t want rhys I want ryan and with my crazy coo coo plan I hope that i get what I want bc that would be cute and like so unexpected and it would get the game to be opened up

im gunna fucking piss myself why are mercia SO DUMB!!! THEY WANNA SPLIT BETWEEN RYAN AND RHYS LMAOAOAOA LIKE HOW.. KILL ALL UR BONDS IDC!! ME AND JONES ARE BUSY CRYING LAUGHING BC THEYRE JUST SO FUCKING BAD AAAAAAAA

So I wake up to hear my name being throw around by my own og tribe... I love this tea soooo much... like in the end they settled for ryan but the fact that they have the audacity to put me up as an option AND THEN ask me for my vote... I have to laugh LKJHDFLJ I guess its time to flip the script!! Dani and Michael are coming up with this "genius" plan of splitting the votes between ryan and rhys because they think scott, jones, and I are with them... oh honey... they have a big storm comin... we're using this to our advantage to do a clean vote on Dani and take out one of them mofos... miss piggy gets revenge tonight

soo i came online to a whollllllle big ass mess lmao. Dani & Michael been scrambling to get out me or Rhys to save David and they have no idea they've dug themselves so far into a ditch.... it's scary knowing i'm gonna get votes but i feel confident that ppl have my back... i feel good that the Sweyns + Tobi + Felix will vote together to get Dani, and I just hope we've done a good job at making them not see it coming... but even if they do and an idol is played correctly by them, my idol 10000% is going to make an appearance hehehe

Hello here I am,, coming in clutch as the moodboard QUEEN. um,, thank god honestly. bc rn it seems like og Mercia wanted to just pick off Sweyn and I know for a fact David would've wanted to go for me first bc of Ko Chang (which btw, if you target people for past games, choke, it's a new game get over it sweaty c:) but yeah I'm glad I have immunity <3 thank god I ran a moodboard account over the summer teehee So yeah rn the Mercia group is a clusterfuck and I love it,,, I love watching the world burn yk? They really just,,, have no idea what they're doing. first they want to go for Scott, but apparenlty that's a cover and they're going for Ryan, THEN SCOTT KNOWS and they change the vote to Rhys, then they're splitting??? like??? hello????? y'all gotta make up your minds we've been planning on voting Dani out since before immunity came out. this couldn't have been easier honestly. I love this. THEN MICHAEL bless his heart I love him so fucking much but he really told me that David doesn't trust any of Sweyn and wants them out,, like,,, does he not realize,,,,,,,,,,,,,I'm from Sweyn. like,,, that makes me want to take you guys out even more. PLUS he's really digging his own grave when he says that Mo and Ahrre can do whatever they want and they don't matter like,, you don't give the people on the bottom leg room. that's really dumb I love Michael to death but he's doing this to himself rn but heres the rundown on what everyone on that side THINKS is happening - Michael, myself, Scooty, Dani and David vote for Ryan - Ryan and Rhys vote for David - and Mo, Ahrre Tobi and Felix do whatever the fuck they want/Rhys apparently. so that would be a 5/4/2 vote for Ryan. HERE'S WHAT'S ACTUALLY HAPPENING (or what I think is happening based on my sleuthing) - David Dani and Michael are voting for Ryan - Ahrre is voting for Rhys - and myself, Scooty, Ryan, Rhys, Tobi, Mo, and Felix are all voting for Dani. making it a 7/3/1 split. I really hate how cocky I sound rn but holy fuck Mercia really crumbled and I barely did anything except for keeping Sweyn/Felix/Mo/Tobi on my side. Thank god. plus with all of this info we gathered now it'll be a lot easier to pull in Ahrre so we can take out the rest of Mercia. see y'all at F10 <3

everyone in this game can stay shook sweyn is runnin this shit..

this is legit my gameplan. be a crazy ass bitch and be a mess and people will never vote ur ass cus they think ull lose in ftc LAMJFBFG

OKAY. So lets catch up on the vote.

Originally sweyn was going for David. So Scotty was trying to get on it early and get people to swing to him. He told Michael. Michael tells David. David asks all of Sweyn if we heard his name.

We all regroup, and decide Michael or Dani is the best bet. As you know, snitches get stiches. Dani is Michaels ally and I have heard some people have been annoyed with her. So Dani is our new target. We have Tobi, Felix and Mo on board supposedly.

I continue the facade and talk to Michael and Dani about the vote with David. Inorder to keep David thinking its him. Going over whos voting who and blah blah.

Apprently the others, were going to go for Ryan. However Michael told Scotty about it being Ryan, when he was supposed to. This lead to Scotty telling Dani, who told David. So now *apprently* they think Ahrre told Scotty. So now I've been told the vote has been switched to me. But it may be split between me and Ryan.

So right now, I think Dani is going home, with a few votes on me or Ryan. However keyword being THINK. This could be completly a blindside on my half. Just gotta keep fingers crossed.

Man, so tonight's tribal is gonna be crazy. I got my alliance of Felix, Michael, Danielle and myself voting for Rhys. And I'm gonna use my vote steal to steal Ahrre's vote since he considered himself the swing vote and I'm gonna vote Rhys again with it. If this plan works, Rhys goes home.

We've been telling everyone else that the vote is Ryan, so in case there's an idol being played on either Rhys or Ryan, the other one will hopefully go home.

Ok so a lot has been going on and I've got a big headache so lets just sum it all up.

1. Scott is a dangerous little fella aparently the entire Felix throwing David under the bus last week story was bs. 2. OG Sweyn are going after David. 3. David is going after rhys but he's telling me to vote ryan for some reason, I assume that's because someone leaked the ryan vote to Scott and for some reason he thinks it was me? Either way he's really risking it considering I'm not sure he even has majority, plus he's alienating my ass so I have no real reason to keep him if I survive this round.

Anyhow I'm paranoid now so wish me gl.

Danielle is voted out 7-2-2.

Disturbing Patrons with my Mental Breakdown- Kendall (Episode 8)

Okay, soooo. I'm pretty sure all of the returnees threw the challenge RIGHT OUT THE FUCKING WINDOW in order to vote out the minority newbies... Aka me.... So, I'm pretty pissed off as it's evident that I'm the only one who actually TRIED at this challenge, when I clearly shouldn't have because I'm extremely sick with strep and should be sleeping all day. SOOO, that was a huge waste of my time and I'm pretty pissed about it... But it's fine, bitches. Satan will see you in hell <3 :*

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD WE JUST THREW THE CHALLENGE. I have never thrown a challenge before and that was terrifying. If this backfires on me i'm gonna look like a moron but I have good faith. Hopefully bye bye Ruben, Worst case scenario bye bye Casey, Worst-Worst case scenario bye bye allies, and Worst-Worst-Worst case scenario bye bye Jordan

i definitely picked my tribe with the intention of screwing someone over. i think things have revealed themselves nicely on where loyalties still lie, and while one or two people might think they're in the driver's seat, i'm in a good position to shift the gears without them noticing. and that means their car will crash and we all die. hehe.  i'm prepared to make a move if we lose immunity, but im not letting that happen. i want to win this one just so i can be safe one more round. figure things out a little more. let tea spill. but i'm not going to let myself make the same mistakes and spill my guts to anyone willing to listen. i'll keep information to myself. i know i'm on the bottom of the returnees alliance and probably the newbies one, too. but i'm content for right now, because ultimately the returnees will start to fall. we'll be picked off one by one. dom wants to throw immunity, and sometimes its not a bad idea to do that, but this round, it needs to not happen. ruben will likely go home but i dont think he trusted me in the first place, so it's his time. sorry.

i'll take his position if he does. lexi needs a #2 and its between robin and myself. i respect robin bc they were there for me when i had no one else there for me. i feel like i've known them for years, but we just met and thats powerful. i have a powerful bond to this person. they're important to me. but this is also a game and i know my competition when i see it. if they have to go at my expense of making it another day, i'll do it.  idk if im still a villain or if im becoming a hero. i think that's up for determination. 

LOOOL WILD TRIBAL. BUH-BYE, JULIA. GLAD I DIDN'T SEE YOU AHAHAHAAAAA

This is oh so sweet. If everything goes well, bye bye, Ruben! This one's for Johnny.

Can i just say........ HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA FUCK YOU JAIDEN FUCK YOU DOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOLY FUCK SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED SINCE JULIA LEFT. Lets get down to brief overview and how i feel about it  1) Julia gets voted off.....SO MAD 2) Alex, Dom, Jaiden are in clear alliance of three, split the tribes up so everyones pair is separated...so basically...jordan and I are gone, casey and ash, ruben and lexi ...u get the point. 3) They put me on a tribe to fuck me over...im gone when they make these tribes and I come back to the ugliest tribe ever. Jaiden. Robin. Dom. Lexi. Alexis. Ashley and I. Now Ash and I are just sitting there like.................................i – i- this plan is so obvious??!?!? and do those three boys think its not obvious their together and they did this on purpose to FUCK ME OVER!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??! um why u so obsessed with me BACK OFF 4) Ashley calls me at work during the comp and TELLS ME DOM IS TRYING TO THROW THE COMPITITION..................to say that the reason hes doing that is to save casey....thats right CASEY. YA RIGHT DOM FUCK OFF WHO DO U THINK WE ARE..........................now lets talk about this because ...................bitch u really want to try me!?! I know those three boys arent as stupid as their moves are coming off!?!? but do they think this is believable!?!?!? Seriously? Im kinda confused because a) They vote julia equalling in jordan and i coming full force on them.....like if ur gonna go for the two headed snake ....dont go for its tail? Sorry but julia was just a number. Jordan and I are the ones who game talk together and as much as i hate playing with him...i love playing with him if that makes any sense. b) you want to throw a competition...to what? To get me out? um....do you underestimate jordan , kendall and I? Yea were on two different tribes but its clearly obvious im fucked over. As if they wouldnt throw this comp.  5) We win immunity....and you would think the way ppl were acting was as if we lost. But it was so obvious everyone of them threw that and im PISSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [7:00:19 PM] jaiden: that's fucking bullshit [7:00:24 PM] jaiden: I went back and CORRECTED myself [7:00:26 PM] jaiden: i'm pissed [7:00:36 PM] jaiden: I'm glad we won but FUCK. THAT. [7:09:57 PM] Sarah: ARENT U HA;PPPYYY [7:10:00 PM] Sarah: YUHJGEDSXF [7:10:08 PM] jaiden: that would've been sooooooo bad sarah [7:10:19 PM] jaiden: I would've felt like SHIT if we had to go to tribal all because I made a simple mistake ............Jaiden................You had the lowest score on our tribe. And you think i didnt know I was going if we lost?.... “Simple mistake” mhm HUNTY I BELIEVE U FOR SURE Now its kinda obvious what dom is doing and honestly......................................fuck u wtf do u think ur doing being a better player than me? I cant wait till i vote ur ass out. Please take it as a compliment Actually...wait  no fuck u binch face motherfuck i hate u anyways so i was thinking that if we lost immunity ...i could come up with a plan. Jordan gives me the idol, it will be publicly shared, Jaiden will immediately come to me freaking out because hes being a fake ass, asking if jordan gave me the idol...I will tell him (in confidence HAHHAHAHAHAHA) that jordan gave me a fake one and that i only did it so people are scared to vote me out. He'll tell dom so they dont switch votes on Ashley. Then when I get majority votes ill idol out my votes, ashley puts one vote on me, i put one vote on dom so it ties. So if dom plays his idol it will be WASTED ANYWAYS. But if they split votes then ill be safe who cares if ashley goes home. Because im safe and in f13!!!!!!!!!! and hopefully merge happens soon so i can stop doing this. But its ok bc im gonna pray kendall and jordan throw the next comp. Honestly I love Kendall so much I want a f2 with her now that Julia is gone. So watch out for that in the future. http://i.imgur.com/D8kFHyf.gif DONT MESS WITH ME I WILL SELL MY SOUL JUST TO MAKE SURE I MAKE MERGE

Candle added Jordan Pines to this conversation.  From: Candle Jordan you know I adore you Sent on: 2:10 pm  From: Jordan Pines oh no Sent on: 2:10 pm  From: Candle But if you want to make a group chat, do it yourself Sent on: 2:10 pm From: Candle From: Jordan Pines hahahaha Sent on: 2:10 pm From: Jordan Pines this callout XDDDDDD Sent on: 2:10 pm  I couldn't have said that better myself Sent From: Candle Kay well I’ve made my point so get off my lawn you damn youngings Sent on: 2:11 pm Candle has removed Jordan Pines from this conversation Candle has removed Gavin from this conversation  AYYYYYYYE. YES. KENDALL. YES.

I hate getting lied to at Tribal Councils, but Julia left which is actually a good thing and kind of my fault oops. It's Kendall all over again in Malaysia. 

 But yeah, things got messy but I got to pick my tribe for the tribe swap. Jaiden and I got on call and decided we were going to split everyone up (Sarah/Jordan, Ruben/Lexi, Casey/Dom), so that's really fun and exciting. It'll be neat to see how everything goes with the pairs being split. Gavin and I are still together which is sweet. 

 I'm pissed about the vote count at Tribal. Jaiden ruined my no vote streak, but at least he did it on Day 87 for me not getting votes, which is my favorite number. 

I haven't been having fun in India and I never really knew why. It wasn't as though I was losing, it wasn't as though I was in any danger. I was just bored... it felt like something was missing, aside from my soul. So I had a heart to heart with myself over a cup of coffee. I went up to me and said "Me, what's wrong? I've been acting sadder then I usually am, what's wrong egg?" I simply gave myself a shrug and sadly responded "I dunno, I really want to have fun but something is missing... it feels like I am going through the motions," I gave myself a sad sigh. "Oh me, what am I going to with I? How am I going to win a game that I don't have the will to even play," It was at this time I was politely, but sternly, asked to leave by the Starbuck's Barista because I was "disturbing patrons with my mental breakdown," Which was bullshit by the way, I've had like 6 mental breakdown and they are not nearly as tame as me talking to myself. And so, as I argued with the barista and as threatened to call the cops, I had a realization. I have been experiencing the human emotion known as 'pouting'. I have given up because I felt like I had no opportunity to get to the end, that I was either going to get dragged as a goat or voted pre merge. But I have things I can use to my advantage. I don't have to lie down and play dead. If I just pretend to be a good little soldier until merge, reconvene with Sarah and some others, I could do something incredible. For now I just need to play nice. I have decided to stick with my allies. Not because I suddenly grew a brain. Not because I felt some sort of kinship with them or 'friendship'. It's just the best thing I can do Here is an elaboratation on my reasoning the form of a chart: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1qPAkC4IhbNWgE2II29QqNaQFR1rgckfBEK_yKCOat5A/edit?usp=sharing 

Oh right, I almost forgot to mention during my ego maniacal ramblings. We are going to probably through the challenge to save Sarah (For strictly strategic purposes... I promise). I say probably because nothing has been confirmed. TBH if we lose, even if it is unintentionally, I'm about 80% sure Jordan Pines will claim that he meant to do it. Welp that's a common side effect of working with a narcissist. What are you gonna do?

Okay so FUCK this tribe swap. I am literally stuck on a tribe of people I have like never even spoken to, that is my fault of course, but damn how did I get so unlucky? Jaiden says he chose me because I am good in challenges and that I am a nice person, I mean that is nice and all but I am now separated from Gavin, Jordan, Alex, literally anyone who I actually liked and was hoping to really get to work with. This counting challenge is also a goddamn mess. Dom has gotten us like -25,000 points already ON PURPOSE. He tells me he likes me and isn't coming after me, but that leaves only two other returnees on our tribe that he could go after; Jaiden and Sarah. Sarah is kind of certain that Jaiden and Dom are working together, which kind of goes against the whole "newbies vs. villains" thing they are trying to start. But who knows. I can only hope the guys on the other tribe will also try throwing some challenges to give Sarah and I a chance over here on this tribe. They don't want newbies to have majority either.

Jaiden picked me to be on his tribe so that was perfect because I really did not want to be on the other tribe. Lexi spoke to me a bit and let me know that Ruben talked highly of me and how she was fond of me for that reason Robin's nice Jaiden's cool and we've both wanted to be on the same tribe for quite a while now so that finally happened Ashley rarely ever speaks to me and forgets to reply constantly Sarah only now started talking to me a bit more since she believes she's in the minority and Jordan probably said she could flip me Dom is a bit suspicious at times but I believe he trusts me and that he wants to take the newbies far I lost it again last night after the results, I should have done my confessional then but everyone already assumes I'm already crazy so maybe we'll save that for later. I feel a bit more calm now but last night I wanted to request tribal and still do sort of but I don’t think it’s possible. I wish I threw the challenge since I hate when the other tribe gets what they want and I don’t want Ruben to go. I like this Lexi, Robin, Dom group going on so I am hoping to solidify that soon and I think they assume it’s newbies vs returnees still. I’m hoping that by some miracle, a returnee gets voted out and apparently Dom just handed Ruben an idol. I believe Jordan assumes I’m closest with him still and that’s why Sarah has been trying to talk to me more lmao! I like Jordan so we'll see where that goes but he's controlling a huge part of the game as of now. Sarah should have tried a bit earlier to speak to me because now it seems like desperation, but I’ll keep playing this middle role, it amuses me. Sarah said she only really talks to Ashley so that's nothing new since I assumed she was close with her from that returnee alliance before the swap. Here’s to hoping the next challenge is something easily thrown so we can finally say goodbye to Sarah or Ashley :)

That was honestly a messy challenge result. I don't necessarily blame anyone for throwing though. I didn't know I was in the negatives so I'm sure everyone probably made mistakes they didn't catch. I'm worried for Ruben. He's the only one from my old alliance on the other tribe. Dom gave him his idol though so he'll hopefully be safe. On another note, I've been talking to the other Lexi. To be honest, if started off because I confused her for lexi my ally. We're getting along pretty well. She's definitely someone I'd like to work with in the future. Jaiden's also pretty cool so I have my bases covered once we go to tribal

EPISODE ELEVEN - “ONLY SO LONG BEFORE THE PET SNAKE TAKES A BITE “ - ANDREW

hieeeee. omg okay.. i feel like it's been a hot minute since i made an actual confessional and not just me vs kait and jenn in my host chat. ANYWAY. i won my second immunity basically just my luck sdhg. i just had one person in mind and went down the list each and every time and put there name with who i thought fit best and that really played out for me? NOW. i just won my third immunity and jake literally... went off one. saying fuck me and shit. like bro skldhg. im gonna be at work till 10pm tomorrow and im gonna miss tribal and the whole day. i couldn't risk anything because anything could happen so i had to ensure MY safety. like i love jake but i swear he has one more nasty mesage to send me before i ask him "who do you think ur talking to btw?" can i just say this real quick... allison- started the rally to try to get me out me- lets get allison out. allison- goes home. ryan- was partners with jordan pming everyone trying to get me out. me- lets get ryan out. ryan- goes home. jordan- same as above. was partners with ryan pming everyone trying to rally votes against me the allison week. me- lets get jordan out. jordan- goes home. everyone- lets get andrew out its time! me- lets get jaiden out. jaiden- goes home. https://68.media.tumblr.com/02aa5ec34518a894eef3408820de7bbd/tumblr_ohuo4d0OUh1uxnkpto1_1280.jpg NOW. im not getting jake out. he can have his hissy fit all he wants but i know theres loyalty still down there. but do i want isaac or andrew out now? hmm..

ME: TRIES TO SAVE ANDREW IS SUPER EXCITED WHEN JAIDEN FUCKS HIMSELF OVER SO ANDREW CAN SURVIVE THINKS WE'RE GOING TO WORK TOGETHER ANDREW: I'M GUNNA ELIMINATE SAM FROM THIS CHALLENGE ME: BOY WHAT ARE YOU DOING??? I'M OVER IT!! I'M READY TO KILL ANDREW I've decided I want me, Zack, JC, and Sam B to final 4 because fuck Jake and Andrew for killing me and fuck Isaac because he's guilty by association. Also in all of these receipts of Jaiden trying to try up the votes, ANDREW is the one who suggested me! Jaiden said me or JC and Andrew COULD HAVE SAID JC BUT HE DIDN'T SO BYE ANDREW. AND HE THREW HIS VOTE TO ME WHEN IT COULD HAVE GONE TO SOMEONE ELSE HONESTLY BYE

I'm honestly v upset to see Jaiden go :( I was definitely stressed in those last few confessionals but I really do luv Jaiden so much and actually did see us getting so much further in the game together :/ I don't know why he had to flip and not even tell me about it but idk hopefully I can make the best of this. Like I'm not the reason he got out necessarily and I feel like our relationship was good enough to have an ok chance of getting his vote if I ever make it to FTC, which is highly unlikely idek why I'm thinking about that when it's still like 5 votes away if it is going to be a f2 like I think it is. Then the immunity challenge seemed to go well even though I didn't win. It appears to have raised distrust towards Andrew from Sam which is veryyyy good because I'd love to get Andrew out! I'm not a fan of the comp slayers in the game, even miss Zack and Jakey who are my allies are worrisome because of their challenge abilities. Sky Ferreira is sex btw. Speaking of jakey too I'm not sure where his head is at? Idk I got weird vibes in the challenge, especially since he took me out before comp queen Zack which is...interesting, so it's caused a bit of untrust with jakey and I too. I'm just worried that he's actually going to start picking his game up and start slayin and when he does I wonder if he's going to stick with me or flip and go with other people. So I need to keep an eye out for his ass, and another on the finish line. I'm also going to try for the time being to just continue playing as if I don't have an idol. I feel like idols can impair your judgement abilities and actually be a kind of crux to your gameplay because you can get a bit too assured of yourself, and you can never feel safe in these games. It's worrying now too because I see like one of the main benefits that was around keeping Jaiden was that he was such a big threat, it was just like you could just be like oh yeah let's do Jaiden, and people would be like yeah tru and then of course you could flip it to who you really want later. Now jaidens gone and Isaac asked me who I wanted to vote and it's not like I could be like oh yea we should vote Jaiden hurr hurr. So idk I was just like what about jakey idk and he was like yeah I think jaidens high key annoying and I was just like ok 👀 mama calm down as he continued talking about how jakey a lil trifling hoe, but I mean jakey likes Make Me (Cry) by Noah Cyrus so could he really be that bad? Idk. I should ask what his zodiac sign is before I make any decisions for the vote or ideas of his character.

flkjfdsal I don't remember if I did a confessional but this could be my last one since it's 20 minutes before the vote and I've heard NOTHING from anyone except for JC! so like fuck Andrew and Isaac honestly I REALLY hope me Sam Zack and JC stick together but I don't see it happening. I'm pretty sure I'm getting voted out so like it's been real.

I'm so happy I've made Final 7 but more importantly, I made it passed Jaiden! This vote is messy btw I just woke up from a nap and I have no idea what I'm doing.

So I'm being voted by Sam G, JC, and Zack. I know that for sure. I'm hoping Myself, Isaac, and Sam B all vote together. And just get out JC. I guess Zack is playing a map on me. So he'll see I voted for JC. And they might play an idol on JC and I'll be fucked. I dunno if an idol is being played tonight but hopefully if it is then it's played on Sam G? I really don't wanna die. But id I am then Zack is a snake. Like I knew that asdfghj but. I was hoping maybe he would actually take the secret pair beware thing farther. I guess it was fun while it lasted. Only so long before the pet snake takes a bite. Anyway, I'm probs not surviving tonight. So I hope Isaac or Sam B or Jake wins. But like 98% hope Isaac wins because he fucking deserves it. This will likely be my last confessional so. It's been fun and I'm glad I was able to play a pretty awesome all-star season. Anyway DAN GHEESLING IS MY BROTHER BYE.

I HATE MAKING DECISIONS! I have 5 minutes to decide whether I want to work with Isaac and Andrew or Jc and zack. I'm super nervous because there will be drawbacks for each option I choose. Zack will probably yell at me a LOT if I flip and Isaac will probably be so hurt by me and not want to be friendship anymore. And I want to work with Andrew in PI Allstars so I don't want to betray him here. Ugh this is messy fuck

welp i have 5 minutes so zack fucked me over hard core in immunity this round and all trust i did have in him is lost. this round it would be ideal for JC to leave but idk if sam b. is smart enough to make that move... um!!! yeah im just trying to convince her but i dont rly see it happening. andrew will prob leave or me tbh. i honestly think its me lmao. oh well. fuck zack

WELL, It appears Andrew is voting me again! Vote me once, shame on you; vote me twice, bitch you gotta go! Ugh idk I'm heeeeella nervous that I might be going tonight so I'm definitely keeping my idol close, we might be seeing a play tonight. Maybe even two if Andrew has one. Hm. So, I approached Isaac, told him I wanted to vote Andrew. He claimed he was down to vote Andrew too, but told Sam that he wasn't going to vote me but would vote someone else. Sounds like an idol might be getting played on andrewwww so they're splitting the votes, huh?! How. Fucking. Cute!!! This is disgusting I'll probably have to play my vote negator on whoever Isaac votes and use my idol for everything to work out tonight. UGH! This is so worrisome, idk why Andrew had to vote me tho! Like girl couldn't you vote either Sam instead since everyone else is on your side and Zack is immune. Whyyyyy meeeeeee 😢😢 it's not like I was pushing to vote for Andrew this week and last week also! *sarcasm* but I mean still, come on! It's not like Sam G wasn't pushing for you too, ugh. I don't know this is tough, if anything I'm probably gonna at least reveal to someone that I have an idol tonight or something. I need to find out how this vote is gonna go down...this is gonna be a long bumpy rife

Later...

Oh my fucking God Samantha BUSSY voted me out I can't fucking believe this. I'm honestly shook like I messaged Sam G first asking if she flipped then when she said no I went to Zack when he said no I was like what the fuck, how could it be pure angel Sam Bussy??? I pressed her and eventually she admitted to it. So I went to her and she denied it at first but finally admitted to it later. Then I called her and I think I flipped her. Hopefulfuckingly! I'm trying to flip Isaac as well just in case anything goes wrong and hopefully I can. I really hope I stay my dumbass should've played my idol when my gut told me to, but I simply didn't listen, I'm so stupid! But if I /do/ survive, then this would really be a wild move and I'll definitely be playing shit next week, if not everything smh. I'm puhRAYING that my mist works, because if not I'm going down as a big idiot who went home with their idol, probably the first big idiot who went home with their idol in storybook history! THE BIGGEST IDIOT IN STORYBOOK HISTORY!!! Kms if I go out this game I'm screaming.