#this caused me to have some sort of spiritual awakening
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Description: Tiktok from user fartgoblin420. Two people are playing on the beach and in the voiceover they sing to the tune of "Last Friday night" by Katy Perry: "Transgender beach! We were dancing at the beach, we were prancing at the beach, we were splashing at the beach, transgender beach! We were swaying at the beach, we were slaying at the beach, cha cha sliding the beach, transgender beach! We were swimming at the beach, we were spinning at the beach, we were stimming at the beach, transgender beach! We were loving at the beach, we were waving at the beach, we were waving at the beach, transgender beach! We were smiling at the beach, we were twerking at the beach, we were dancing at the beach, transgender beach!" They say "Take that, Ron Desantis!" They laugh and the person on the right starts bouncing and singing "Transgender beach, we were happy at the beach, we were flappy at the beach, we were slappy at the beach, transgender beach! Transgender beach beach beach beach beach beach-" The other person starts singing "Mother" by Megan Trainor.
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Please can I request random kit walker headcanons? thank you!
Random Kit Walker Headcanons
WARNINGS: drug mentions, NSFW, PTSD
• he smokes weed
I feel like after Kit was released from Briarcliff and got married, his lifestyle drastically changed and along with that he started smoking weed on occasion. Grace seemed like a pretty spiritual person and saw the alien abduction as a religious awakening, so she probably introduced Kit to weed. Though, Alma probably wouldn’t approve.
• he’s dominant
Kit definitely likes to be the dominant one in bed, he knows all the right ways to please his partner. However, if you really wanted him to be the submissive one he would do it only because he loves you so much. He isn’t really kinky or anything except for maybe having a pair of handcuffs hidden away in his drawer.
• he has PTSD from Briarcliff
Sometimes he’ll wake up from nightmares, or certain things in life will remind him of Briarcliff and it can alter his mood drastically. However, Kit feels that having PTSD makes him weak, and he likes to come off as the strong one in a relationship, so tries not to talk about it much, and hides his feelings. Plus, talking about it makes him relive his time at the asylum and he’d rather not.
• he can’t cook
I’m not sure why but I have a feeling that every time Kit tries to step foot in a kitchen something goes array. He’s obviously made some meals for himself before, but it’s usually a microwave dinner or something of the sorts. Cooking just isn’t his strong suit and he’s okay with accepting that, but feels guilty when he can’t help out in the kitchen.
• he’s not afraid to die
Kit probably isn’t sure what he believes in, but he isn’t afraid to die… if the time is right. If he still has his life ahead of him and something sudden happens to cause his death, he wouldn’t accept that. But if he’s old of age and passes naturally, he wouldn’t try to fight it much.
• he tried to be vegan/vegetarian for a while
Part of me has a feeling that either Grace or Alma had a vegetarian or vegan lifestyle after the abduction, or at least tried it out. With that, their cooking changed, and Kit just stopped eating meat. He doesn’t complain about anyone’s cooking so assured them that it was fine they chose not to make meat, but in the end none of them could keep up with it.
#american horror story#evan peters#evan peters smut#ahs double feature#austin sommers#austin sommers smut#kai anderson#kit walker#ahs asylum#smut requests#ahs fanfic#ahs coven#tate langdon#kyle spencer#jimmy darling#james patrick march#rory monahan#headcanon#requests
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One thing out of the many things I’m excitedly waiting for in season 2 of tmmn is their explanation of how Masaya and Deep Blue are connected. The og anime had an explanation that I didn’t think quite matched what the manga was hinting at.
Og anime said all human spirits have a part of Deep Blue’s spirit dormant inside them and Masaya’s spirit was the closest human match to Deep Blue, making him the ideal vessel for Deep Blue to awaken. That explanation makes it seem like Masaya was born by chance and happened to be the spiritual match Deep Blue was waiting for. It also implies that in and of himself, Masaya is no different from any other human.
In the manga however, Deep Blue actually admits that Masaya was a puppet or distraction he created to fool the world while he was getting ready to awaken. That implies there was nothing by chance about Masaya’s existence and that Deep Blue intentionally created him. We also have the panels where Masaya says he doesn’t know where he comes from. The earliest memories he has are of him in an orphanage and how he just has a natural drive to distrust humans and survive. He questions who he even really is. These details would be completely unnecessary to add if the manga agreed with the anime’s explanation of only a by-chance spiritual compatibility between Masaya and Deep Blue. The fact that Masaya can harness Deep Blue’s power outside of Deep Blue’s will (both in original manga and in re-turn when DB is supposedly dead) seems to also work against the argument that there is only a spiritual component that connects Masaya to Deep Blue. Even further, why would Masaya have mew aqua inside of him if his connection to Deep Blue was just some spiritual lottery that he happened to be born with? There’s just so many arguments against this imo.
Long story short, Masaya is an intentional vessel that was planted on Earth by Deep Blue and his entire personality was crafted by Deep Blue to have a deep-seated distrust for humans and an overall emotional disconnect from them that would make him easy to possess when he had grown enough for Deep Blue to take over. Masaya was meant to be a hollow shell of sorts that could easily bend to DB’s will.
I personally love the manga’s ambiguity behind Masaya’s origins because it’s honestly pretty creepy to ponder over and I think that’s neat. For example, I love the ambiguity over whether he was even “born” like humans are at all? Did he have biological parents or did he just manifest mysteriously (through the power of deep blue and mew aqua for example)? With all the sci-fi elements and advanced technology of the aliens in tmm + the existence of DB’s mothership, maybe he was made in a lab? Any of those scenarios are creepy and I love it. Also makes his “am I a monster?” comment in re-turn hit SO much better. Him being an unnatural vessel who learned about his humanity through love is my favorite interpretation of Masaya and a favorite trope of mine in general. It’s just another layer that makes him interesting to me.
Anyway, I am very curious how new will handle this explanation. Will they try to give a concrete but flawed explanation like the og did, or will they rely on ambiguity and allow the audience to theorize about his origins like the manga did? Or maybe they’ll go somewhere in between? Even if they give a more concrete explanation, I really do hope it is something different than what the og anime gave cause especially when adding re-turn to the mix I think that explanation makes even less sense.
#I was listening to a song and it got me thinking on this#that panel where masaya looks at his hand and is like I really am some kind of monster (in re-turn) is the shit#tokyo mew mew#masaya aoyama
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What profit hath he that worketh in that wherein he laboureth? I have seen the travail, which God hath given to the sons of men to be exercised in it. He hath made every thing beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end. - Ecclesiastes 3:9-11 KJV
I find this Bible passage in the Book of Ecclesiastes interesting, because of the line in it that states that God has "set eternity in their hearts." It reminds me of a saying by St. Augustine, "The heart is restless until it rests in Thee." There is something within us that knows that there is something more; something we keep striving for, something just beyond our reach.
People try to satisfy this yearning with all sorts of different things. Some turn to shopping, or trying different relationships that don't seem to satisfy. Some use sex, others alcohol or drugs. Others use food, thinking that it will fill the void. But until we find God, we still have that empty feeling within us. The interesting thing is that once we have God in our lives and fully trust in Him and His love for us, we stop trying to fill up that empty spot in our hearts. We are then free to engage in healthy relationships with people who value the same things we do. We can recognize habits that cause us pain rather than joy, and can give them up.
God placed eternity in our hearts so that we would search for Him until we have found Him. Once we open our hearts to Him and His Truth and we humble ourselves before Him in heartfelt repentance and belief, everything falls into place in our lives. It's not that we won't have anymore problems or suffer, but it does mean that we're not alone in the storm. Whatever life brings us, we can make it through, because we know He is with us and we trust God and His promises. This eternity within us and the grace of God and His Holy Word and Spirit gives us confidence in Him and His promise of eternal life in Heaven.
God loves His creation so much that you put this longing for you deep within our hearts, so that we would seek Him and be saved, becoming His children. Thank Father God Almighty and the LORD Jesus Christ for giving us the gift of His presence and the promise of eternal life with Him in His Kingdom of Heaven. Everyday, we must thank Him for the grace that He poured out for us on the cross. He has freed us from the burdens of sin and guilt. May He help us to always walk in His grace and Holy Spirit, not by our own measure. May He give us the humble humility to know that our freedom and eternal salvation is found only in Him, so that His grace may sustain us, and we may never lose sight of His love and light and mercy. Thank Father God Almighty and the LORD Jesus Christ for calling us to Him and to serve Him. May He equip us to do all that He has called us to do so that as He works through us, He may use us to produce fruit, to reach others, and to encourage all brothers and sisters in Christ. May He work all of these things in us and through us for His Kingdom and His glory. Thank Father God Almighty and the LORD Jesus Christ for all His creation, for His miraculous ways and for everything He does and has done for us! Keep the faith and keep moving forward in your walk with Jesus!
Thank Father God Almighty and the LORD Jesus Christ for His Holy Word and for sending His Holy Spirit so that we might have His grace, not only to awaken us and transform our hearts in our spiritual rebirth and guarantee our eternity with Him, but to also call upon Him whenever we are in need. Thank Father God Almighty and the LORD Jesus Christ for all the reminders of His love and mercy and faithfulness within His Holy Word. He is bigger than any challenge or circumstance in our lives. Knowing this within our minds and our hearts, nothing can deter our faith in Him and His Truth. May we all accept Him and His eternal gift of salvation and ask that He would transform our hearts and lives according to His will and ways. Thank Father God Almighty and the LORD Jesus Christ for His Holy Spirit who saves, seals and leads us. May we always thank Father God Almighty and the LORD Jesus Christ for His almighty power and saving grace. For He is our strength, and He alone is able to save us, forgive our sins and gift us eternal salvation and entry into His Kingdom of Heaven.
May we make sure that we give our hearts and lives to God and take time to seek and praise Him and share His Truth with the world daily. May the LORD our God and Father in Heaven help us to stay diligent and obedient and help us to guard our hearts in Him and His Holy Word daily. May He help us to remain faithful and full of excitement to do our duty to Him and for His glorious return and our reunion in Heaven as well as all that awaits us there. May we never forget to thank the LORD our God and our Creator and Father in Heaven for all this and everything He does and has done for us! May we never forget who He is, nor forget who we are in Christ and that God is always with us! What a mighty God we serve! What a Savior this is! What a wonderful Lord, God, Savior and King we have in Jesus Christ! What a loving Father we have found in Almighty God! What a wonderful God we serve! His will be done!
Thanks and glory be to God! Blessed be the name of the LORD! Hallelujah and Amen!
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Hii, first of all I'm obsessed with your readings and your whole blog ♥️
Secondly, I want to share what is happening to me that I can't figure out. This is gonna be so long because it never happened sth like that in my whole life, hope you don't get bored by it 🙈
So, there's this person I started following at half year ago and basically fell in love, at first I was just start-strucked by his looks, then I got to know him a little better not directly tho just by crumbs like he talking with his friends and me watching from afar or how he posted on SM and what he wrote talking about himself and I started feeling even more attached because of his personality, so my love for him went beyond looks and day by day was getting stronger to the point that this year in May I started getting videos about how to manifest in general and there's was a particular tarot reader (my first one) I was fascinated by and started following her yt and then TikTok. This tarot reader posted a collective reading (not about love but I think it was work related) few hours before which it resonated with me so I started looking for others tarot readings in the search section and I suddenly got one while scrolling down which said "this person with blue eyes and that likes rock music is obsessed with you" the gasp I left and literally stopped breathing I was shook because she literally described two important details about my person "blue eyes" and "he likes rock music" and she said other things I resonated with. That's how started my obsession with tarots. And here started coming synchronicities which that time I thought they were coincidences and since May of this year I keep getting synchronicities about this person I'm so in love with.
Another thing which is not less important is that since he came into my life I can't love anyone else like I used to have many crushes and fell easily howevere none of them were mutual and didn't receive any synchronicities about them, but this person.. wow I can't stop thinking about them since August of last year and since May of this year it got "worse" and I keep seeing signs about them since that Month but sometimes they confuse me and sometimes it's like they ant to prove me.
Can you figure out what's that, which I've never ever experienced in my whole life I've never felt so attached to someone even though I've never met them but I saw with my own eyes two signs from them in April which made me scream inside bec one was too explicit but I thought it was a coincidence ngl. Also I've never dated seriously so I still have my V-card even tho I'm almost 30 yo. Oh, and I also got my spiritual awakening in May, as if he triggered it but he has still to have it I think.
Sorry for the essay but you don't have to reply with another essay, don't worry and take your time. I appreciate it 💞💞
ps. sorry for my english
Baby, this sounds like limerance. You don’t know this personal in real life, you only what you’ve observed about him online, you’ve never met this person nor spoken to this person from what I can see and understand. But you’re infatuated and obsessed with this person, so much so that you believe that you’re receiving signs from him or the universe that he likes you back or that you’re meant to be together.
Things like this are difficult to deal with especially when you are a spiritual person, believe in the metaphysical or something of the sort. You have to ask yourself where at some point your spiritual beliefs are crossing a line for you. You have to ask yourself if what you’re experiencing is really the work of your spirit guides or divinely guided or a symptom of child hood ptsd or something like it.
Limerance usually it caused by early attachment trauma, I know what it is, I know what it feels like because I’ve been there before. Someone or something that really helped me open my eyes up to this concept and digest it so that I can heal and understand what I was going through and what was really going on with me is The Crappy Childhood Fairy on YouTube. She has a beautiful video on limerence and she shares a plethora of examples on it by using letters from people who’ve reached out to her to help understand their own relationships.
youtube
She has multiple videos on limerence and this topic, now this is not to say that magical thinking or spirituality or my practice or lifestyle isn’t real or isn’t worth confiding in terms of relationships and connections but I think you may easily stumble into this direction at times to help validate what it is you’re experiencing, thinking and feeling, I’m sorry if this isn’t what you were expecting and I hope this this is helpful for you to some extent or at least gives you a different perspective. ❤️
#limerance#asks#self love#self care#self improvement#self discovery#dream girl#self expression#healingjourney#self healing#manifestation#divine feminine#divine masculine#childhood healing
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Wordsmith
I've read some of the books on the San and the n|om-kxaosi. I'm not done with them, but I've read enough to help me get an idea of what the San might be experiencing. In relation to my own experiences, they sound incredibly similar, but off in certain places where it counts. I've never seen God's magical ostrich egg, I can't do some of the shaker rituals, and some of their beliefs conflict with my own, but overall, if you were to squint your eyes hard enough and ignore those differences, we could pass as the same thing. I'm not a n|om-kxaosi, but this helps put things into perspective for me.
Then, I circled back to my own culture's beliefs, because I realized that what I described here might have been a spiritual awakening? I do think now I was a bit overzealous in considering it a form of shifting, but in some ways it still fits that description, since I am taking an animal form... even if nonphysical.
Physical shifting is observably physical, so it doesn't fall into the realm of spiritual. The spiritual stuff can bleed into the physical world, so that gives me some trouble with differentiating the two, but I've found that the physical just... feels physical, for lack of a better word? I described it in a previous post, but the physical shifting typically affects my body in a way spiritually shifting does not.
I'm kinda coming to the conclusion that whatever I am is somewhere in the realm of "shaman/spiritualist/witch", or something along those lines. There's the spiritual part, which not every shifter has - it can be a part, but it's not neccessary to be a shifter - and then there's the physical part, which obviously not every shaman/spiritualist/witch has. Shamans are known for being shapeshifters - even if it's a stereotype, it is a stereotype with a grain of truth to it - and witches have been treated as shifters since the dark ages. Spiritualists aren't really associated with shifters, but they're associated with a host of other paranormal phenomena, and some of those are variants of physical shapeshifting. If you identify me with them, you've got a good portion of my beliefs down.
I think what's making this extra hard is that I'm not really doing anything with these abilities. I'm not trying to save others or shift to help the community, my abilities are mainly for myself and my friends, if anything. It's not for (direct) spiritual enlightenment and so it's causing my experiences to differ substantially from those who use their talents this way.
...Honestly, my culture does have a name for all of this, but I'm reluctant to use it. This is technically Obeah, but the word has a sort of stigma to it. It's not a valid stigma, but it still makes me a little reluctant to use it. The word does fit my practices and beliefs, but I'm also worried that I would be using it inappropriately - obeahs are born with the gift, but sometimes go through a form of training, and if I don't have that, can I call myself an obeah? ...Though even obeahs nowadays just use the internet and learn on their own instead of searching for a teacher, since it can be difficult (and sometimes dangerous) to find one.
...I think for now I'm going to use the words that come naturally to me, and worry about the details later. I shouldn't have to fit my experiences into a box; all shifters are different and have different reasons for being the way they are. Seeing as how I'm still human and I'm not a "purebred", I don't see why I couldn't experience multiple types of shifting, or even types humans only experience, like the spiritual stuff. I've felt a mild pressure to use older or cultural variants of the "modern" terms I use now to satisfy older shifters and avoid getting heckled by outsiders to the community, but if it's not something I feel comfortable doing, then I shouldn't do it. I'm actually kind of happy using the Westernized versions and terminology I've grown accustomed to, and I don't think my usage of a "newer" word should invalidate my experiences.
I'll still seek out terminology for information purposes, but I think I'm done with my search for more words.
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I'm a witch. Also I'm a neurodivergent af.
The never-stopping issue between me & my aunt is that she believes everything is ruled and can be traced back to your birth chart, while i believe it's all about mental health and other brain stuff.
During the start of my journey i tried to get into astrology because it seemed fun and easy. Which it isn't. But also i tried to do it so that i could fit in with her. Eventually i just gave up. It's not an interesting topic to me. I have other ways to know things about people, if i wanted to anyway.
During the last few years I've discovered that i have ADHD and I'm in fact autistic. Aside from other mental issues and trauma. And upon discovering that -untill this day- i could trace most of my life -if not all of it- back to my neurodivergent brain.
Every single day the some sort of this conversation goes on; where some habit or act of mine is discussed, and upon me explaining the root cause of it which is my brain, my aunt steps in and says no, it's back to this point in your birth chart.
Out of nowhere she pops up like "this next period you're gonna listen to lots of music and awaken your spiritual gifts". NOTHING is new about this. It's the same stuff i do everyday.
It may not sound like a big deal in some post, but when your life turns to just a birth chart, it's hell.
The other day i was telling her about my recent religious thoughts and how I'm no longer a believer and while i expected some anger or disappointment she was chill and said "yeah, it's in your birth chart, and these days will be more than others".
Can i have one original thought? Can you get out of that 2d paper on your tiny phone and live with us on this planet?
Sometimes i wish i could say astrology ain't real just to spite her. But i know it's real. I just don't want it to consume my life.
She tries to explain connections and houses and whatnot to me, no matter how much i say i don't care or i don't understand and don't want to.
In some other cases with some other people, they can believe in what they do without crossing the other's believes, but not this one. I HATE IT
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What is happening in your connection right now??? The TRUTH
🖤🌙request a reading here🌙🖤
Pick a crystal !!!
Serpentine (green) pile one
Carnelian (red) pile two
PILE 1:
Someone’s ego is getting in the way of this connection, and someone isn’t willing to sacrifice something to put all of their focus on you, they may even be selfish with their time and you’re wondering why they’re not fully committed to you. Your person is feeling like this connection isn’t gonna make it, new things are coming into fruition & they want to be able to focus on that. They’ve been inconsistent and they’ve probably even lied & kept secrets from you, overall someone is very immature when it comes to their emotional side and isn’t very good at communicating effectively with you. They are waiting for results of desire, and I believe tht they do in fact desire you, but this just isn’t the right time for them yet, they want to have their goals completed and feel content in their personal life before they can think about a relationship or a marriage or anything of the sort, though they do love the idea of it. This situation will not move forward anytime soon unfortunately, where you are right now is where you need to be and all you can have for this connection is hope for the far future, both of you are going through spiritual awakenings, and you both need to avoid harsh relationships. Though you may feel like you’ve known each other in a past life, maybe you or your person experience deja vu often when you’re together! they do have feelings for you but they’re more focused on themselves right now. I think you should also focus on yourself
Oracle messages from your person:
“Free yourself”
“Forgive me”
“I’m working on my self”
“I’m trusting that divine timing will bring us back together”
“I’ve never met anyone like you”
“You make me nervous”
“In due time”
“I fell in love with your soul.”
PILE 2:
Your person is currently in a feminine energy, and I believe they’ve been unfaithful. and the feminine energy is coming from all feminine parties. somebody is in their heads and thinking about you a lot & the pain they’ve put you through, they feel alone, and probably can’t stop messaging you or thinking about messaging you, they’ve disrupted your positive energy and accused YOU of false situations. This energy may also be coming from you & could’ve possibly been the disloyal one & caused this tower moment. A huge tower moment. I mean I pulled 2 tower cards, 2 Queen of swords & 3 knight of swords for this pile so this entire connection is FULLL of conflict. The outcome of this situation is not very good, you wanna be alone, you’ll remain defensive and suspicious and questioning as you should. And they will try their best to have you back, but with your walls up I don’t see it happening. you’re done, and you’ve made up your mind, all the things you’re “questioning” and being suspicious about are true, and intuition is strong and correct. your indecision to take them or forgive them is not likely and it’s killing them. they want to take you somewhere and make it up to you. But honestly don’t even bother, go take some time for yourself & connect with your spiritual practice, take a bath in the ocean and cleanse your soul.
Messages for your person:
“Let go of control issues”
“Forgiving and learning”
“There’s someone else”
“We can make this work”
“I told my friends”
“I’m trusting that divine timing will bring us back together”
“I’m angry”
Relationship
Thanks for reading guys, message me for a free reading!!! 🌙
#love reading#tarot cards#tarot witch#general reading#love spells#pick a card#pick a crystal#relationship#tarot#tarot deck#witch#couples#divination#divine feminine#divine masculine#free readings#free tarot#intuition#love connection#messages from spirit
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Uru Somezuki name meaning analysis and theorizing. AINI spoiler warning below the cut.
Original thread on Twitter here
Let's break down the name 染月 閏 (Somezuki Uru.) Uchikoshi said to leave it to our imagination so... Here's mine?
Uru
uruu - 閏 (extra, intercalation)
In relation to DNA: "An intercalating agent is a substance that inserts itself into the DNA structure of a cell and binds to the DNA. This causes DNA damage."
Applications in DNA studies connects to Horadori Institute and DNA theming.
Can be used as a treatment to attack cancer DNA cells. Jin was suffering from a half-body cancer and Uru was the treatment.
Also refers to leap day, Uru was born on February 29th.
Also means embolism, "sudden blocking of an artery."
Maybe relating to medical problems Jin was going through.
The kanji of Uruu comprises of two characters. Uchikoshi uses this tactic in naming schemes so it's worth analyzing too.
閏 (uru) = 門 (gate) + 王 (king)
King = related to "Almighty," or the desire to be the "leader" of Naix -> a new world in Moksha? Also was the son of So Sejima, a politician; influential figure. Thus a "king" of sorts.
閏 (Uru) = Looks like a "captured king"; was kidnapped and confined in the Horadori basement.
Somezuki
Somezuki - 染月
染 (dyed, stain) + 月 (moon)
-zuki is also present in "Mizuki"? Many theorize there is a connection here
"Dyed" Mizuki? "Tainted" Mizuki? Probably not but it's interesting to think about.
I think "moon" might have more reference to month especially with "Uru" pointing to leap day in February. February is when the game takes place, and his birth month. Potential meanings of February:
如月 kisaragi - Kisaragi Station creepypasta, referenced in Hidden Bats ARG and Sunaiku.
梅見月 umemidzuki - "Plum viewing month," has Mizuki? (Maybe unintentional and also a much less common word for February.)
染 - Some can have different meanings
As "dyed" may relate more to (blood)stained as Uru is Tearer; the killer.
As "pierce" can also refer to the killings.
Also used in multiple kanji words for "infection, contamination" -- his plan for TC-PERGE.
In the kanji that comprises 染 the one that stands out most to me is that it contains kanji for 9, 九 important Uchikoshi number and relevance to Uru's character -- obsession with Zero Escape.
9 is part of his birthday -- basically his entire name points to February 29th.
Ironically, he was killed right before his 9th actual birthday. He would've turned 36, divided by 4 is 9.
Potential meaning of February 29th
Unlucky birthday -> unlucky character, unloved and constantly abused child.
"Because the 29th of February only happens once every four years, many people believe that the day holds significant spiritual power. From a numerological stand point, 29 breaks down to 11 (2+9), which is known in many new age spiritual communities as being a number of awakening and spiritual enlightenment." (Moksha, Nirvana Initiative.)
But that's just a theory. A game theory. Thank you Uchikoshi very cool!
#aitsf#aini#ai the somnium files#aini spoilers#nirvana initiative#uru somezuki#text#analysis#kotaro uchikoshi
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I'm wondering and I honestly need an opinion here: Why do I feel SO endlessly sad and incomplete whenever I think I might NOT be a system?
It even seems a little morally wrong, I'm afraid I end up subconsciously faking it because of that feeling :(
Any suggestions why I feel this way and what to do to improve?
Whenever I "believe" that I'm a system, that feeling stops and becomes a VERY great joy, but I also have very few traces that I might be a system and most of them can be explained, in some way, by BPD. I feel like this feeling is the only thing keeps me questioning myself, so I want to know what it could be :,D
Hey, so we don’t know you personally, and there could be a ton of different factors as to why you feel this way! Off the top of our head though, we can think of a few potential reasons:
1) The community.
The plural community isn’t exactly tight-knit, but it’s pretty active and uplifting, from our experience! There’s a broad variety of systems with different experiences, sharing their stories and building connections with others who they can relate to. If a singlet were to immerse themselves in plural spaces and surround themselves with plural culture online, it makes sense that they might start to wonder if they themselves are a system, or wish they could be a system so that they can belong to the community.
Many singlets do become plural later in life, through consciously creating their system, having a spiritual awakening, or simply viewing their sense of self through a different lense. And we honestly think that a singlet immersing themselves into plural life might cause them to be drawn towards creating a system, or believing they already are one.
2) The framework.
For some people the concept of being multiple, having more than one presence in their own mind, is reassuring, hopeful, and beneficial for their mental health. It may help ease depression or chronic feelings of loneliness. For these folks, even if they did not develop a dissociative disorder as a child, they may still choose to create a system. In our master post we have some resources on different types of plurality.
We know someone personally (our wife!) who created a willomate because the plurality framework worked for her and helped her to better deal with issues of loneliness and self-hatred. It’s been an amazing journey for her, and her willomate is such a delight! 💖
3) Symptoms of something else.
There are many symptoms of different mental illnesses that may look like plurality or systemhood at first glance. DPDR, identity confusion, weak sense of self, depression, anxiety, amnesia, racing thoughts, intrusive thoughts, and all sorts of other potential symptoms of dissociative disorders can manifest in different mental illnesses too. Some people may think that plurality best explains their symptoms, when they’re actually dealing with something completely different (like a personality disorder, a non-dissociative trauma disorder, mood disorder, or comorbidities of multiple disorders).
In plural spaces, we do admit there is a big rush to convince people they are plural at all costs. For vulnerable people who are dealing with a serious mental illness, this culture of “radical acceptance all the time with no exceptions” may convince them that they’re plural a bit prematurely. It ties back into our first point; someone may be lonely/dealing with mental illness, they stumble into the plural community, they are convinced that they are plural by their peers, and as a result, they’re unable to receive treatment for the mental illness that is actually at the root of their troubles.
4) Maybe you really are plural.
In the end, only you can decide for yourself whether or not you’re a system. Our master post (hyperlinked in our second point) has plenty of resources for questioning systems. If you truly think you may be plural, we recommend checking out those resources, preferably beginning with the CDD-specific ones. Doing lots and lots of research is essential to learning more about plurality and ultimately discovering if you are plural.
Remember, you don’t have to be a system in order to be loved, cherished, and respected for who you are. And even if you realize you’re not a system, you’re still welcome here on our blog. This space is system-focused, but respectful singlets will always be welcome here.
We are not a medical professional, a therapist, or a mental health worker. We don’t know you better than you know yourself. These are just our thoughts - you can do with them what you’d like. Regardless, we hope this response will be somewhat beneficial for you.
💫 Parker, 🖋 Cecil, and 🐢 Kip
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Love Reading 🌤️- December 2023 - Pisces
Singles:
Overall energy: 7 Wands
How you will meet: 6 Pentacles
How they will treat you: The World
Long-term Potential: 7 Cups
I’m not sure how you know this person, the preshuffle showed them as brand new, you don’t know them (and thus - don’t trust them), and some of you may know (of?) them and are like heck no. Either way, you don’t trust them and are very guarded when they do try to approach you…nicely. Cuz they’re being nice. Some of them are literally giving you something, a gift, buying you a drink, possibly buying something from an Etsy account or a personal business of yours, trying to support you or whatever you’re doing. Could be an earth sign/placement, or they have an earthy energy.
It’s also possible they’re trying to be the bigger person and apologize to you, if you know them, and you’re telling them to kick all of the rocks and be gone, or giving off that vibe anyway - Rebel Without a Cause usually shows someone who is fighting something literally with no cause, you’re guarded, distrustful, have a history with this person or some person like them, feel like they deserve it for some reason, etc. But it’s not necessarily something they do, now, on this day, because they’re actually being very nice to you. At least on this occasion, they are. If it’s someone new, there are many possible reasons why you’re guarded I’m sure. Their indecisiveness could trigger you on a red flag level when that may not be what’s intended. They could come off as quiet and you see Dahmer potential, idk 😆 If this goes anywhere, could be a social media friend you never talk to, a loose acquaintance. Long term, they could kick themselves for not being more…confident, open, communicative, etc., when someone else does, whoever else you end up with. Shows there is someone else coming in. Or maybe they don’t know what you’ve been through/were going through at the time they meet you, and they realize your worth, or what this could’ve been - too late, or in comparison to some other person you/they have now. Or either of those could be your own feelings about them, much later. There’s more than meets the eye with this person, and I think you kinda blow them off. I’m not sure it’s intended, on either side of this interaction, which can just show that’s how it’s supposed to be. I don’t think you’re even aware.
Messages -
Their side:
- Indecisive
- I want to approach you but don’t know HOW
Your side:
- Rebel Without A Cause
- I’m Not Sorry
Oracles -
Their side: CUPID’S ARROW 💘
- Have Faith
- Love is Coming
- Surprise Invitation
- Struck By Love
Your side: HEALTHY CHOICES 🥬
- Self-Love & Self-Care
- Being Happier
- Love & Life
Signs you may be dealing with:
Libra, Taurus, Leo, Scorpio & Capricorn
Couples:
Overall energy: The Hermit
Current: Death
Challenge: 4 Pentacles
How they feel about you: 3 Pentacles rev
How you feel about them: 8 Swords & 7 Swords rev
Outcome: 10 Swords
Either you’ve found out this person is messing around with other people (to what level idk), could be married, or they’re already involved with someone, maybe live with someone, and want to be with you too. Or leaving one person for another, like they’ll leave the other person if you want them to, and your whole vibe here is “don’t put that bs on me” or just no thanks. You’ve definitely discovered something, and you’ve probably kept quiet about whatever that is, it’s no one’s business, but you’ll quietly pass on any involvement with this disaster. You’re ending this connection, maybe even blocking them, since something has come to light that you want no part of. It could involve you, or your person, some 3rd person, you could be blocking both people & essentially telling them to enjoy their lives & you’re done with this, or someone anyway.
You could be going through a spiritual awakening of sorts, or your person is. With Mirror, they could be realizing how similar the two of you are, maybe even that you’re their Twin in some cases, and you’re like “been there done that”. You know they have to deal with their own burdens and bs, and you want no part of it. It’s not easy for you though, holding back from them, especially if you do have some kind of feelings for them. But you’re standing your ground, you have to, and that makes you feel sad 😞 You’re exhausted with the whole situation with this person, whether you love them or not, it’s all too much for you.
They feel you are refusing to cooperate with another cycle, another chance, another reunion of sorts, you’re done. Your feelings are probably blocking them altogether along with any explanations or excuses, you don’t want to hear it. Showing up as King of Wands, this is a charmer, and The Magician being connected to this row��they probably know exactly what to say, how to act, what to do, in order to make you question yourself, change your mind, give in, and this time it’s just NO. Flat no. *blocked*
Outcome for mid-Jan is this person feeling betrayed because you have enforced your boundaries (probably more like…finally), and you could feel betrayed by them overall and whatever they’ve done to you or this situation that you want no part of, whatever you’ve found out or realized about this person. You’re worried about you, and they can worry about them, because that’s what’s necessary.
Messages -
Their side:
- Addicted 💊
- I’ve wanted you for a long time.
Your side:
- I’ve moved on.
- I need a BREAK from this.
Oracles -
Their side: MIRROR 🪞
- Mirroring Each Other
- Self-Reflection
- Introspection
- Inner Wounds
Your side: THE SNAKE 🐍
- Competition & Enemy
- The Other Woman
- Look Over Your Shoulder
Signs you may be dealing with:
Gemini, Virgo, Capricorn, Leo, Scorpio & Cancer
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3 Spiritual Awakening Beginner Lessons I Would Pay to Know Now
Here are three key lessons that I learned on my spiritual awakening journey that honestly I wish I would’ve known at the beginning.
So, If I was a spiritual beginner or if I was new to spiritual awakening, these are the top three lessons that I wish I would’ve known at the beginning to really propel me forward on my own awakening journey, where I didn’t feel like I needed to trial and error everything.
There’s so much growth that happens when we do trial and error, but at the same time, I really wished there was like a roadmap or a guide or something that was easy to access that would’ve helped me on my journey. Let me save you some frustration, Time, and let’s be real RELIEF – When it comes to the spiritual awakening Journey.
Spiritual Awakening can be Challenging but it doesn’t have to be
Spiritual Awakening can be challenging when we’re first waking up, there are all sorts of discoveries and emotional rollercoasters. It causes a direct Mental and physiological shift on our reality. However, where it can go wrong for many people is when you start listening to the people who keep telling you Ascension is all about suffering and spiritual growth is about Pushing through your pain.
Now of course if you know me i am not remotely about spiritual bypassing anything, Pain DOES lead to growth. In the same way when you start a workout routine, your whole body might be incredibly sore and you want to sit on your ass for the next few days doing nothing – because you’re growing a new muscle you never grew before.
Our negative stories often reveal our positive strengths, and Polarity is a very real thing that universally exists since the beginning of time as we know it.
At the same time, living in a Victim Mentality with your Spiritual Awakening and ascension symptoms is of disservice to yourself. It’s a VERY common problem that occurs and people are taught that it’s the only normal way of ‘ascension’. I stand up and CALL B.S.
I’ve met many people out there who are like that, where it’s just like, well, this is just another wave of ascension, so I better buckle down and handle it. You don’t have to live that way! While maybe i’ll get some triggered from this, i find it Ridiculous that it’s almost brainwashed into people especially if you’re NEW to the process.
AND on top of it, if you’re a spiritual seeker, you’ll eat that right up and think that’s the only way, which isn’t remotely true.
You can heal your Symptoms, you can manage your energy and you can also learn how to live from soul alignment so that you can even manifest a reality where you have hardly ANY SYMPTOMS. I know you can, because i’m living proof of it and so are many of my clients.
It lives in understanding your Energy and Your higher self.
There’s a Beautiful, Empowered, and Peaceful side of Awakening
I think it’s important to touch on, there is also a beautiful side of spiritual awakening. When you’re successfully navigating your spiritual awakening, you can start to own your intuitive gifts & your personal power. As you build your relationship to higher self, you begin to strengthen your intuition and your natural inherited manifesting capabilities. There’s so much beauty inside of spiritual awakening, and one of the things I’ve really been doing really just over the past three months is as I’m starting to write this book, I’ve just been really revisiting some of these core foundational concepts.
And it’s interesting how Awakening Has that spiral staircase effect where it’s like, wow, I wasn’t even seeing it like that before, but now it makes so much more sense.
So I wanna share with you in this week’s episode, what are the three lessons that I wish I would’ve known from the start of my journey
If you’re an Awakened Beginner or new to spirituality, these are the 3 key lessons I wish i knew from the start that would of helped me so so much. enjoy!
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What do you think? What are your own top spiritual lessons? I’d love to know! Let’s get a mass chain of spiritual lessons in the comments! 😼
Subscribe for weekly drops every Friday 🙏
P.S. The Soul Aligned Life Membership will be opening it’s doors this month! This is my monthly membership for learning how to take back control of your thoughts, and learn to navigate your spiritual awakening successfully! Stay Tuned in as a VIP by Signing up for my New series THE SPIRITUAL AWAKENING ROADMAP !
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https://www.theawakenedstate.net/3-spiritual-awakening-beginner-lessons/
3 Spiritual Awakening Beginner Lessons I Would Pay to Know Now
Here are three key lessons that I learned on my spiritual awakening journey that honestly I wish I would’ve known at the beginning. So, If I was a spiritual beginner or if I was new to spiritual awakening, these are the top three lessons that I wish I would’ve known at the beginning to really […]
#awakening beginner#awakening beginner lessons#beginner tips to awakening#Kundalini Awakening#spiritual awakening#spiritual lessons
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There is little reason for me to deny my own psychosis, at least outside of the context of persuading medical professionals that I am not subhuman. Do I hear things that other people cannot hear? Yes. Do I see things that other people cannot see? Yes. Do I engage in magical thinking in my day-to-day life, attributing supernatural causes to mental states and ordinary events? Yes. Do I believe myself to be an incarnation of the Devil, and perhaps even an antichrist of sorts? Yes, absolutely.
It is rather commonplace in current online metaphysical communities, particularly those which place an emphasis on a certain garden-variety of social justice, for psychosis and spiritual reality to be regarded as entirely separate beasts. There is sometimes a humanitarian argument behind this division: The last thing psychotic people need, so it is said, is for people around them to validate their psychotic experiences and assign any kind of spiritual value to their psychosis. Not only do these divisions run contrary to historical and modern-day shamanistic practices, modern psychology recognizes that schizophrenic people tend to be happier in communities where spirit-communication is embraced. Notably, symptoms known as “psychosis” to psychologists are also common to the well-recognized spiritual condition “shaman sickness”, which often occurs during or after a period of shamanic initiation and spiritual awakening. Shaman sickness is treated through spiritual guidance and healing, and one can recover by finding balance—and, often, by learning to accept spirits in one’s life without being oppressed, overwhelmed, or overcharged by their presences.
I think it is uncomfortable for some people to accept that there can be a spiritual reality to madness, both in that madness can bring divine revelations and that madness can have distinct spiritual causes. In my experience, these modern metaphysical communities sit in an odd position between accepting and denying the reality of the supernatural. In the United States, peers of this body’s age have all been taught that “woo” is neither medicine nor a replacement for medicine, among other things, and there is a strong hesitation to be the kind of practitioner who would allege anything as outrageous as miraculous healings or metagenic (i.e. metaphysically-caused) illness. A bias can be found here: While practitioners tend to deny the veracity of experiences during psychosis, they also tend to trust information gained during most other altered states of consciousness. It is as though the chemical imbalance found in psychotic brains invalidates a psychotic person’s spirituality, while the chemical imbalance found in brains during psychedelic trips is celebated as part of ancient shamanic practices. Because psychosis and schizospectrum experiences are considered medical, they are also considered mundane (i.e. nonmagical).
These contradictions are steeped in ableism and an imperialised/imperialising state of mind. Sanity is a necropolitical construct. It allows the sane to abuse, imprison, and murder the mad. It is an excuse to imperialise and genocide cultures whose traditions fall beyond the imaginary boundary of “sanity”. It is a whip for capitalists to crack in the name of productivity. “This work is no burden to a sane person!” they might say, cutting wages and demanding unpaid overtime as they arrange a mandatory meeting on eliminating depression in the workplace.
Magic is not sane. The fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual published by the American Psychiatric Association makes distinctions between normal and abnormal spirituality, advising mental health practitioners to consider the difference between spiritual practices which are “broadly accepted” and those which are not when making diagnoses. Psychiatry, as an institution, generally regards magical thinking as a symptom of a disease. (It also usually regards psychedelic usage as a disease in and of itself, which many metaphysical communities more readily regard as a spurious viewpoint. In some social circles, it seems fatigue from the war on drugs has set in, but the war on insanity continues.)
For magical practitioners in western societies, sanity is a kind of social performance: a mask that dilutes one’s gnosis into the most culturally acceptable presentation possible. Excluding the mad from the metaphysical, therefore, is a kind of respectability politics, where those who are either openly neurodiverse or unable to perform the social mask of sanity are ineligible for consideration as magical practitioners. Oftentimes, the inverse is also true: Online psychosis support communities often reject or isolate members with occult interests and ban occult discussion of any kind. For many people in these support communities, there seems to be a motivation to display oneself as a model psychotic person who takes antipsychotics religiously, obeys psychiatrists in all circumstances, and rejects superstition of all kinds.
Any deconstruction of the boundaries between madness and spirituality (or, in a related context, between madness and creativity) threatens the imperial-capitalist construct of sanity. It must be unhealthy and burdensome to be mad, because it is healthy and right to be a productive worker who is completely abled and sane. It must not be spiritual to be mad, either, because Christian hegemony demands that spirituality retains enough power to be profitable, and so madness is either entirely mundane or, depending on who you ask, is perhaps the result of scornworthy spiritual practices.
The artificial boundaries between madness and magic serve only to repress spirituality that doesn’t benefit the powerful. I am a madperson, and my madness and my spirituality are inextricably linked. I don’t want to bury the fact that I am psychotic and plural in the footnotes of my life. I refuse to choose between being mad and being magical.
Mad people deserve all rights to self-determination, including religious freedom. Mad pagans are pagans, and mad witches are witches.
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THE BEST THE 1975 ALBUM
I like it when you sleep for you are so beautiful yet so unaware of it (2016)
This was the era where I was able to fully anticipate anything from The 1975 and it was one of the most special moments of my life. This was the time where I must say my musical preferences have fully awakened. The 1975 and Dirty Hit did so sooo good in this era. From the aesthetic visual teasers to actual promotions to the production with their live stages on tour, everything was beautiful. I still love ILIWYS’s neon lights visualizers better than the theatrical stage set-up of BFIAFL. The setlist too was much better even if we’re talking about songs only from their first 2 albums released, we’re still beyond satisfied then.
Fave tracks:
Somebody Else (obviously, who doesn’t love this song?)
Paris (i just love the vibe, nothing personal)
Iliwys (i would sacrifice my life just to hear this live!!!)
Notes on A Conditional Form (2020)
Now NOACF was something else. This came out during the peak of the COVID-19 pandemic and I couldn’t thank my boys enough for saving my life back then. Everyone was still in shock and filled with anxiety because of the virus but The 1975’s NOACF came to rescue me from that. It was jam packed with so many good tracks, all of them were no skip for me. Apparently, NOACF carries my most fave song from the whole discography of The 1975—perhaps of all time, and nothing’s taking its place still even after BFIAFL’s release ‘cause let’s be real, BFIAFL in general is just isn’t it. Just me? Alright, no sweat. But I guess I really took a step back from them because I expected too much from it but just ended up kinda disappointed instead.
Anyway..
Fave tracks:
Tonight (I Wish I Was Your Boy) (this bad boy holds the crown as my ultimate fave The 1975 song. And the fact that Rome also worked on this song makes it extra special for me. The melodic run is what attracted me to this song, it was a mix of late 90’s pop, alternative R&B and neo soul. Matty said it was their first pastiche-y song since it’s like a mixture of samples. Matty also shared that he considers this song as the “anomaly one” off of the whole album because of how experimental it is. But I don’t really care, to me it’s fun and very satisfying to listen to and it’s absolutely beyond perfection)
Then Because She Goes (i understood why they made it a short song, like Roadkill. i just have a strong feeling they’d make a part 2 of them lol)
Yeah I Know (i was literally bopping and whispering “tf is this” at the same time when i first heard this song. it was like some sort of spiritual awakening and i enjoyed it very much. hit that shit, go hit that shit SUPREMACY)
P.S. Their self-titled Album is already a given. I mean, nothing beats the OG. Most of my favorite songs of them you will basically find in the self-titled album. The 1975 was like the soundtrack of my pre-college arc, like my anxiety was lessened because of how I discovered The 1975 on the summer of 2014, when there was literally a lot going on in my life. My family moving in to another city while I was still emotionally and mentally preparing for college was kinda stressful tbh, and I thank The 1975 for giving me the energy and for keeping me motivated during that time… yeah..so that’s it i guess..
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how would you describe your dragonkin identity (appearance, personality)? do you have one or multiple? completely fine if you don’t know, just curious!
So... this is a little complicated. I do know, more or less, but I don't really know what to make of the info I have. Let me explain: years ago I considered myself a spiritual otherkin. A wyvern. I found plenty out about myself between when I awakened and when I joined my first alterhuman community, and unfortunately part of the findings were memories that weren't... great. In addition, when I got into otherkin groups for the first time, they weren't the best, and I ended up bitter and feeling lesser about my wyvern self as a result of all that happened in those spaces. As a result of these I sort of slowly tried to dissociate from it and tell myself the memories were false all along. I have preferred a psychological approach since then... but that's seeminly only out of desire, not experience. Experience still points spiritual. Not to say all the wyvern is gone - the memories still haunt me and the feelings of "rightness" crop up often enough for me to work on a VRChat avatar of it. But the feels and the thoughts are all kinda tangled up in "well maybe's" and it's tough to pull them all apart to figure out what the deal is. To complicate things, after stressful life events had me not feeling my nonhumanity for long enough to think that maybe I was wrong from the get go, trying on a western dragon avatar in VRChat (the ZDragon, for any who are interested!) brought those feels rushing back, complete with a prey drive I never got before. They haven't gone away since. So I wondered, maybe I was supposed to be a western the whole time! But that still doesn't line up fully, cause the past tells me I'm a wyvern, and the present tells me I'm a western. Heck, could very well be both in some weird roundabout way.
That's quite a ramble I just did, thanks for sticking with! You asked about personality... I think I'd have been very animalistic, if we're going by memory. Treading on no matter what. Hard to explain the vibe I get beyond that. In most memories I have, I seemed to be an adolescent or so, so there was a curious nature to me before everything turned sour. I don't know a lot about after that, save for some noemata and one sorta flashbulb memory of an environment.
And you asked about appearance, which is nearly the same on either one save for the number of limbs. This might be a bit weird to explain, but bear with me. Here's an art piece I got of my wyvern back in the day from a dragon called Rhaeloth (western is too recent to have gotten any art):
The description: greenish-blue scales with a sandy-yellow underbelly, green eyes, two brown or grey horns pointing directly back from the back of the head and one curved snout horn (snorn, if you will). 6 digits on each wing - three claws and three for the membrane part of the wings (on western, just the one wingspur and three or four for the wing membrane) - and four claws on each foot, three forward and one back (on western, four claws with no dewclaws, and pawpads). I suspect either my left wing (wyvern) or my left foreleg (western) was permanently injured so I'd likely keep that close to my chest most of the time. If wyvern, I'd have a bipedal posture much like a raptor, as I've mentioned in a previous poll response. If western, I'd have been quadrupedal. And for either one, 6-7 ft tall has always felt right (which has carried over onto my dragon sona, in fact! The one in my icon, kind of a glorified me).
...And that's why I figured it would be weird to explain.
#tldr i would describe it as a bit of a mess#but that's too par the course#thanks a ton for the ask though!#I've been meaning to get writing about this mess of identity for a while#may write on it again in the near future to go into more detail#especially now that i'm back to not knowing what the heck is going on#dragonkin#nonhuman#dragonkind#snorn#kleelore#kleerawr#when i finally get this heckin wyvern model done itll be a much easier way to see the whole form#defo gonna be my weekend project. i need to figure things out more and this is a way to help myself do so
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Saint Sinéad
Shuhada, May you fly free.
“Children say that people are hung sometimes for speaking the truth.” Joan of Arc, 1400s
“Put your fucking seatbelts on ’cause I haven’t finished yet.” Sinéad O’Connor, SPIN 1992
Singer. Banshee. Advocate. Priest. Theologian. Mother. Bold. Brave. Muslim. Life-long nonconformist. Feminist. Human.
I’ll never forget the SNL episode when she tore the pope’s photo in half after singing Bob Marley’s War. No one did that. No one was brave enough to speak truth like that.
I bought combat boots that year and later wore them out walking all over town during the national changes in 1992. Inspired to be a social sciences major and music minor because of the spirit of the revolutionaries, from the 1800’s and 1900’s—youth, women, men, poets, writers, the truth tellers, the artists and musicians who spoke truth- real truth- against hypocrisy, against insanity, against a system that would kill them or exile them for having the audacity to speak truth. To be a free thinker.
I thought the most incredible destiny at the time was creating art because of and despite the insanity of the lies, the struggle of the human condition. And the journey of the one, the artist inside a collective sea, despite and because of persecution or being gaslit, silenced and all manner of atrocity, yet living on through and beyond. Their art, an eternal message of possibility, freedom and hope.
I’ve been reading a slew of articles that paint Sinéad’s portrait and highlight the spectrum of her human journey through her music, political activism, mental illness, motherhood and spiritual truth finding. She journeyed deep and wide, high and low. She was that destiny, not ego in the harmful sense, Artist. She was not going to change or be what the industry wanted her to be. Her music, her songs lifted up so many of us— the voiceless, the broken, the afraid, the confused, the troubled. She gave feelings and words to millions. She was an angel and a waif, a punk and a rebel, a truth teller and her own wild wolf. She howled and gave us permission to feed and feel the moon.
She was unapologetic. She did not care that what she said or did for the sake of truth and freedom, impacted the socially constructed ideas of what fame or fortune in the music industry are supposed to looks like. That they impacted her musical ‘career’ as the industry explains it, mattered not. Sinéad was a woman of her own making.
“I didn’t have time to think about [becoming famous] before it happened,” she says. “I was singing in clubs and pubs, pubs and clubs… I was just singing for the sake of singing, ‘cause I had shit to get off my chest. I feel like that’s the only reason really [for anyone] to make an album is because they’ll go so fucking crazy if they don’t. If you’re making an album for any other reason you shouldn’t be fucking making it.”
I played her albums on repeat. Some songs and albums more than others, through my youth.
“When I sing, it’s the most solitary state: just me, and the microphone, and the holy spirit. It’s not about notes or scales, it’s all about emotion.”
I cut my hair short. Swore off my insecure, boy-crazy teenage low self esteem superficiality. There was Pre-Revolutionary Angie and then Post-Revolutionary Angie. Like Baba Yaga said, to know too much is to grow too old too soon. I saw too much about the human condition, the cost of freedom and it’s opposite on the human psyche, felt and saw one world dying and another world rising— a world that was being made a golden child— Capitalism! And all I could see and smell was lies and hypocrisy. Yes some of the old needed to die, but some of the soul of the old was being raped by the dollar and that seemed insane to me. I didn’t know how to put in in words or digest it. It was a bone to choke on.
I was only a kid. I struggled mentally with anxiety and depression. An awakening of sorts. But no bearings back home to make sense of it. Sinéad’s music and Russian literature, poetry and music of the revolutions of old helped tremendously during that time. Dr. Zhivago. The Master and Marharita. Anna Akhmatova. Learning about the artist/writer and the struggle for freedom amidst censorship and death. Life, the world didn’t make sense. All the things that didn’t make sense about being a girl becoming a woman, American capitalism, not speaking truth, following social norms, political bullshit, pretense, Beverly Hills 90210 and Melrose place… I rejected all of it. Mostly quietly, silently. While imploding inwards on myself because I didn’t understand transition or how to wake up fully boldly inside of it. Mental breakdown was the label that made sense. Yet it was more, it was that so much of the system was insane. So much of the conditions the inheritance the American myth the gender this and that —-it was insane.
Sinead was like a beacon of sanity amidst all that nonsense. They said she struggled with mental illness too, but she didn’t shut up. Did she have mental illness or did she grow up into a world that was completely entirely a nut job. Sometimes it’s a both and but sometimes the mental illness is the result of being fed insanity.
She didn’t stop saying through music what needed to be said. It was felt through my pores even if I wasn’t fully listening to the words. I freakin loved her. I cried to her songs. They resurrected me.
“Whatever it may bring
I will live by my own policies
I will sleep with a clear conscience
I will sleep in peace
Maybe it sounds mean
But I really don't think so
You asked for the truth and I told you
Through their own words
They will be exposed
They've got a severe case of
The emperor's new clothes
The emperor's new clothes
The emperor's new clothes
The emperor's new clothes”
Sinéad had a hard life. A difficult insane mother. A fucked up religion with its Massoleum of ghosts and secrets. She fought hard against child abuse, sexual abuse, hypocritical lies in the name of god and more. She became a priest. And she sang her own songs in her own way. In one interview decades ago, she said she thought Americans were wussies and needed to be more brave and speak out more against the lies and injustices. She was changed by motherhood. She lived through the painful suicide of one of her beloved children. That changed her. Some stories break you harder. And some stories don’t have a medicine that makes the pain go away.
She converted to Islam and changed her name several times. She took on the Muslim name Shuhada' Davitt – later changing it to Shuhada Sadaqat – but continued to use the name Sinéad O'Connor professionally. Shuhada means martyr.
From what I understand, Islam was the culmination of her spiritual journey as a theologian. She felt home inside of it. She found contentment.
“I never made sense to anyone, even myself, unless I was singing. But I hope this book makes sense. If not, maybe try singing it and see if that helps.”
I haven’t yet read her memoir. I somehow forgot about her in my 30’s and as I lost touch, I didn’t pay to much attention to her music. Her death wakes me up to her story, to my story, to our story of waking up inside a machine, waking up to truth, to life/death/life. May she fly free. May her passing be a wave of wakefulness over our heads, reminding us to be more bold. More truthful. More real.
And lastly, Shuhada… May the words of the great truth teller Pasternak carry you into the arms of Allah and beyond.
“And now listen carefully. You in others-this is your soul. This is what you are. This is what your consciousness has breathed and lived on and enjoyed throughout your life-your soul, your immortality, your life in others. And what now? You have always been in others and you will remain in others. And what does it matter to you if later on that is called your memory? This will be you-the you that enters the future and becomes a part of it.”
Boris Pasternak, Doctor Zhivago
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