remember when my life was interesting and held any sort of greater meaning? yeah me neither 

Idk if this means anything to you but I'm a comic artist who's had a hard time doing art for a few years. The first four was because of life hardship and lack of time/chronic pain, but now lately I've had time but a mental block. I'm creeping up on 30 and felt bad about myself for "missing out" on my opportunity to be a comic artist. It was really validating to see you post about being 41 (correct me if I'm wrong) especially since you have such wonderful comics that I've been following for a while now. It makes me feel less like I'm wasting my time putting my things in order when I "should" be drawing.

Hopefully this doesn't come across as offensive or anything. It was just comforting and validating. Anyway, big fan! Love your characters a whole lot and hope you have a good day!

Dear Anon

I am 41 years old. I have wanted to make comics my entire life. before my dad got sick, and my childhood kinda fell apart, all i did was draw. after that, i used the stories in my head to cope. life moved on. i was convinced not to accept a partial scholarship to an art school in California. life got hard. i worked at a hotel, and after i escaped an abusive relationship at 22 i hitchhiked/bused far far away to start over. i tried to make comics again, but i had to survive, and so i got another job doing the only thing i knew how to do, hotels. and i worked. and worked. and life got harder and times got heavier and i didn't get time to draw and i worked double hours, 15 to 17 hours a day. and i went four years without drawing a single thing.

i kept working myself into the ground. i was 29 now. i picked up a pen again and drew a red haired boy. he had a hard life and no love and no friends. his problems were on the outside, for everyone to see. he ran away but his problems went with him.

i was 32. surely i was too old now. my time to be an artist was gone. i had no school. no hope. i was so far behind the younger gen i saw online. i cried. all the time. i wrote stories in my email drafts while i worked shifts. i stayed up late trying to learn how to draw again. i cried some more. the boy grew. i called him Fiach. worthy. a raven. later i renamed him Avery. he was like a bird, he had wings, he was my hope. i started writing some friends for him. the people i wished i had around me.

i started finding time and space. i got a new job, something where i was lucky enough to set my own hours. for the first time i had a partner who believed in me. things were hard. but i was drawing now. and that helped.

i went on a road trip and i started drawing pages of an unnamed story on 6 by 8 paper in a sketchbook. i drew 20 of them. 'what could i call this?' i thought. Nothing Seems as Dark...no says my partner. Seemingly Dark. he made me a logo. i was 35. i bought an ipad, i cant do this on paper, its too much story i have too much to say. so i learned how to draw digitally by tracing my own trad art pages.

I spoke to my dad for the last time on June 17th, fathers day that year. he said 'you're good. i'm proud. and you're gonna do amazing things. none of this is your fault. and we will speak again soon.' i didn't know id never hear his voice again. he died a week later.

i turned 36. i kept trying. i'm old, i don't understand the internet. how can i share this?

i stumbled across Lore Olympus. i was introduced to webcomics. id read comics online before but the thought never occurred to me. i opened an account on Tapas. and then i stared at it. what if no one likes it. what if its bad. my art isn't good. i should wait til i'm better. but will i ever really be better? or will i always believe that tomorrow is better? do it now. if even one person gets something out of this story, this story about a boy who is you, a boy who looking for hope, a boy who might make it, then that is enough isn't it.

June 17th 2018 i launched Seemingly Dark.

SD's five year anniversary is in a week. 0ver 700 pages. leaps and bounds in progress with my skills. a printed comic under my belt as of monday. i was always a storyteller. but i was always an artist too.

I am 41 years old, dear anon. I did not truly embark on this journey til i was 35. life got in the way. even now, chronic illness gets in the way. but its worth it. its never ever too late. i believe in you the way my dad believed in me. i reset my life again and again. but I was always an artist. and if thats who you are, and who you want to be, even if things dont go the way you wished they could, you're an artist too.

im 41 years old. i speak about my age, even though i often feel too old to belong in spaces, cuz really, in this case age is just a number. take care of yourself. do what you need to do. and little by little, when your able, carve out your space until it becomes more of a habit. sometimes i think about all the years i lost not drawing or creating. but there's a lot of factors that make me believe had i made my story then, it wouldn't be the story it is now, i needed to live a bit. i needed to find myself. i know this was long, but i just wanted you to see i also had to put my life in order, and getting notes like this reminds me it wasnt at all a waste. im glad i could offer you some comfort. thats honestly the best compliment i could ever receive.

TL;dR I was 35 when i sat down and seriously started making comics, because life always got in the way and so did my confidence. i always feared being too old. im 41 now, still going strong.

2023 Creator Reflection

ffxiv.

1. dance me to the end of love

this one was fun! i always like merging a character's outfit with the bg so i liked doing that again. picking the colors for elliots outfit was also enjoyable. ive wanted to make smth w that cover for a while

2. shame was still the tyrant of his life

i only wrote two nol and eli things this year and neither of them are finished. the first was a continuation of a scene where nol kisses elliot against the blue stained glass in his room--i once posted it but then i deleted it bc it made me feel woozy for its allusions to sex. i wanted to rebuild it and take a shot at it now that im comfortable writing n reading sex, but i never got very far. theres actually lots of nice parts! i just like nols dumb angsting the best!

3. valentine

i really wanted to focus on nol's eye here, but also not make it too obvious lol. i used a ps filter like a schmuck but i wanted it to be darker without making it even more difficult to see, so i took away their bodies and limited the colors to make it what it is.

4. amateur cracksmen

the second nol n eli wip, which doesnt have many interesting lines rn, was a raffles-inspired story where eli drags nol as his valet to a rival artist's house and tries to steal back the brooch that he bought from an underground dealer feat. much babbling abt the state of societal responsibility that war is supposed to bring

ffxvi.

1. herz an herz dir

i wrote some reflections about this one already here. i honestly was very (distressed voice) cant believe im writing pure fanfic for the first time in over ten years and lacked a lot of direction when i started bc uhhhhh terence has 8 and a half mins of screen time. i tried to convince myself that it's not much different than me stealing brucemont for my own evil devices, but the unique perspective of seeing quite so much fan content def influenced my interpretation. i wanted their relationship to be much more imbalanced from the get-go initially--dion using his power unintentionally and terence barely passing a thought abt it until later bc he's just so accustomed to obeying--but i ended up giving terence a lot more sway & ammunition in their argument. the breakfast bed thing is also smth im rly fond of.

2. mund an mund

there's also additional meta for this one here. i made a silly doodle abt it also. dion kept picking fights here! it honestly turned out how i expected. when i first started this fic, i was gonna have dion start out right in oriflamme and meet ter and kihel there, but i booted them to northreach so i could have this stretch of conflict. i think it's like. Bad Pacing. technically. if i still believe the conflict introduced in the next chapter is the core one, that is. which i sorrrrta do. but i dont care bc i rly like the visual of kihel laying in dion's lap and getting to put a gun on the wall w ahmed.

3. eines atems

its been two months since the last chapter and this chapter is humiliatingly not written. i have all my scrambled notes and scenes that i jotted down in between the first two chapters, so i have a full direction, but it's been really difficult to write lately. ive been devoting all my time to trying to recoup my mental health and work on my teredio secret santa. ill start next year with this wip as a priority, so for now i only have the photoshop edit for it. kihel is holding terence's hand--it's his pov turn.

overall i didnt like this year very much. i didn't read, create, research or do a lot even though i tried to. i became really disconnected from all of my friends bc im too tired to stay for rp or hold online conversations. at this point, i dont play ffxiv at all except the few times i managed to rp a little. i moved into nanny's house and have my own space, but don't have the presence of mind to do anything about my pc, books, and so on, although i did make a lot of progress rewrapping my books w fresh wraps and some other things. my plans for next year are to reach out to a couple of my friends, build my pc, relearn + rebuild + relaunch my queer lit blog on open source code, survive school, and rediscover the productivity ive lost the past few years.

teredio has helped me a LOT to find community, inspiration, and art in my loneliest year yet. im very proud of my fic and grateful every day to the ppl who have reached out to me about liking it. even if im sorry about my productivity rate in comparison to how many extraordinary writers there are in the ship's fandom, i know i have to be easy on myself to relearn how to write, create a writing schedule that works for me, and stop punishing myself when i cant get the words out.

past reflections:  2017 | 2018 | 2019 | 2020 | 2021 | 2022

Where I Stood - S.R

Spencer Reid x gender neutral BAU Reader

Summary: Reader and Spencer start to pull away from each other after JJ confesses her feelings to Spencer while they were held hostage in LA, and reader cant take it anymore.

Word Count: 706 (shes short again and not that sweet this time)

Content warnings: angst, spencer being abandoned (again), obvious allusion to j*id confession, indefinite ending

A/n: uh. im sorry? alsjsksj im so sorry i have no idea where this even came from. sad bitch winter ig 😔 anyways this is sorta a songfic as well, the letter reader leaves spencer and the title is are inspired by ‘where i stood’ by missy higgins. you can listen to it here, but it works as a stand alone heart breaker as well. also huge huge huge thank you to @will-on-the-internet , @sadgirlml and @writingquillsandpainpills for hyping this up and zahra again for proofreading for me. i love you all so fucking bad you have no idea. n e ways thank you for reading and if u like it reblogs would be appreciated 😋😋

Spencers POV:

They weren't at work and they haven't been answering my calls all day. I was beginning to worry. It wasn't like them to be like this. They've been distant recently after what happened in LA between JJ and I, but never anything like this. Even on their worst days, they'd still let me know they were safe.

I unlocked the front door to our apartment to find it deathly silent. “Y/n? You home?”

Nothing.

I walked over to the coffee table where their favourite book sat, and next to it was a letter. Addressed to me.

No. No no no. Not again. Please god not again.

I feel my eyes tearing up. As I reach out with a shaky hand to open the letter, I notice the paper smells like their perfume.

“My dearest Spencer,

I’m sorry. I’m sorry for the way I’ve been lately but I need to get this off my chest because I know you won't let me leave without a fight and I just can't be talked out of this one. I've had this nagging voice in my head ever since you told me what happened during the case in LA that told me to run. That told me I’m not good enough for you and that I never will be. Initially I thought I was being dramatic and insecure, but then I would observe the way you look at her. Like a new fire had been ignited in your heart to replace the one you had for me. You both would steal glances and soft smiles from each other and I felt left in the shadows. I brushed it off as silly voices and self sabotage, but the team started to notice too. What's worse is that they asked me about it. Asked me if we were okay. Pen even asked me if we’d broken up. That’s when I realised it wasn't in my head. I was falling behind her, and in that moment I felt truly lost.

I really don't know if I could stand another hand upon you. But I do know that this is what's right, at least for the foreseeable future. She will love you in ways that I never could, and you really deserve that Spencer. You deserve real, true love. And all this isn't to say that we can never speak again. You mean more to me than anyone I've ever loved. You taught me how to trust myself and I owe you everything I have for that.

I got an offer at the DC office that I’ve decided I’m going to take. It's the second hardest decision I’ve ever had to make but I need to be away from everything for a while.

I don't know who I am without you, but I have to do this. I'm sorry. I love you.

Yours always,

Y/n”

When I glanced over the letter again I noticed that I'd cried on it, my tears slightly smudging the ink of the words that tore my heart in two.

I needed to speak to them. To explain things. I can't lose them too.

I select their number in my phone and dial it, praying to whatever gods exist that they pick up so I can at the very least say goodbye if explaining myself won't convince them to stay.

“Hi! You've reached y/n! Please don't leave me a voicemail, its 2022. Send me a text”

I hear the beep and pour my heart out.

“Y/n it's me. Spencer. I read your letter and I need you to know that I'm sorry. I’m so so sorry if you ever thought you were second best because youre not. you're not. I did love her but I love you. now. right now. Please, whenever you're ready, call me. Talk to me. Let me know that you're safe at least. I love you y/n. only you and-” the robot voice interrupts me before I can finish.

“Your message has been saved and will be sent as an audio message”

I hang up, pull up my text messages and start typing;

Spencer: Please sweetheart, just listen to the voice message. It's always been you. Always.

And now I wait.

——————————

A/n (again sorry lmao): i hope you guys liked it! its currently like 4am as im typing this note im so dead but i wanted the fic out by saturday so here i am lol. im also open to part 2’s, and it doesnt have to be a happy ending either. im also open to doing multiple endings, so if you guys have ideas please feel free to send them to my ask box! ily all kith kith.

Ice.cream 🍦; Hwang Hyunjin, part 1

Genre: Idol! hyunjin Angst, fluff?, unrequited love

Warnings: none as in this chapter

Word count: 1.9k

A/n: This was supposed to be made into just one long fic but I was struggling while writing it so I decided to make it into a series, to, let me know what you think of it so far!

“melts in a flash i cant pull myself together”

Hyunjin fell, he fell deep, when he least expected it, he fell with her touch, with the pretty sound of her voice, but he fell even more with her indifference with the way she seemed not to care about anyone in the world but herself, where she preferred loneliness over being surrounded by a group of people who barely knew anything about her but her name. He fell with all the flaws that he masked into conformity.

Hyunjin moved in a crowd and sometimes even for him it was too much to handle, he had a lot of friends and people who was cautious of every movement he made, that's the price he had to pay for the fame, it was a "fair" exchange, his privacy for the admiration of millions. But he didn't regretted it or at least thats what he said as he tried to convince his own self. Maybe only at nights when the moon shined through his curtains and the silence of the room embraced the atmosphere thats when he, for at least a second would wish deep in his heart things would be a little different. Believe it when he says he was happy doing what he loved the most, surrounded by the people he loved, he got it all. But a sudden regret, he would find himself longing for something more, and he truly didn't know what that was.

But he hoped to find it soon enough. Because the guilt was eating him alive. Not being completely satisfied with his current life was probably the biggest sin he would've ever commit.

Hyunjin had a day off, clear schedule for the first time in months, after the back to back concerts and events, he and all of the members deserved some rest. But hyunjin didn't know how to rest, and probably that was due to his high paced life style, or to his personality, maybe a little bit of both. So he though about all the things he wanted to do today, and none of them were staying home.

He had been wanting to go expand his literary horizons, nowadays he had found himself devouring multiple books, he found them so comforting. The way they travel him to different places. In every word and in every flip of a page his emotions overflowed.

The weather was perfect a bright sunny day, so he thought his plan on taking himself on a date wasn't too bad of an idea after all. Bookstore, coffee shop and walking the streets of Seoul with his headphones on, blasting his favorite tunes, he was ecstatic. Deciding not to waste anymore of his precious time he decided to leave right away.

"hey Felix im going out" he said to the boy who was immersed into his computer, too focus on his video game to pay attention to him.

"Have fun" he said goodbye without taking his eyes off the screen "damn it why is this domain so hard to clear off" he yelled to himself in frustration and hyunjin just laughed at his antics.

Hyunjin made sure to grab his bag with all his essentials, his wallet, his headphones and his charger. He put on his shoes at the door and closed it behind him as he was leaving the dorm.

Hyunjin walked the busy streets listening to some of his favorites songs, enjoying the warmth of a sunny summer day. Hyunjin wasn't specially fond of summer, he preferred the winter but lately he had began to fall in love with the memories summers had brought to him, and therefore with the season itself.

Once he arrived to the bookstore, it was an old bookstore, he could probably smell the rusty pages emanating from the inside all the way through the entrance and he couldn't contain his excitement any longer , scrutinizing the shelves, staring at every cover without missing each of the titles that were being displayed. Hyunjin was astonished at the extend variety of genres. He carefully took his time reading some of the synopsis and a couple first pages of some of the books that had caught his eye. The hours inside that bookstore felt like seconds to him. He was too immersed on this volume to not pay attention to the girl that was trying to talk to him. Her voice wasn’t uncertain it was cold and direct.

"hey, excuse me?"

Those words brought hyunjin from the vulnerable state he was in back to reality, and he would be lying if he didn't hoped that voice wasn't calling for him. He knew exacty what came next probably the usual, are you hyunjin from stray kids? And no he didn't mind meeting his fans outside schedules at all, actually he loved and appreciated them a lot, but today he wished for little peace. And maybe he hated himself a little bit more due to those thoughts.

His eyes went slowly from the page to the figure standing in front of him. Her gaze was piercing his soul, a strong aura that filled up the room, her clothes were nothing out of the ordinary but somehow they made her stand out a lot. She looked like those type of people who leave a strong impression. She probably felt uncomfortable by the way hyunjin was just standing there book in hand examining her like some sort of specimen. So she decided to speak again.

"Are you planning of buying that book" she asked with no hesitation pointing at his hands, that unconsciously were gripping at the hard cover tightly.

He was incredibly confused, but exhaled in relief at the fact the girl wasn't here for an autograph nor a photo she just wanted the book. And hyunjin laughed a little bit inside, thinking how silly it was for him to think so highly of himself at moments like this. Of course not everyone cares about you hwang hyunjin he said to himself.

"I'm not sure yet i was giving it a read as i was considering it" he replied calmly.

"I'm kinda in a rush and honestly i came all the way here just for that book, so trust me when i say im not leaving without it" she firmly stated, furrowing her brows slightly. He assumed it was probably the only edition left, since it looked like and out of print.

Hyunjin thought the situation was slightly amusing, because it was just a book, and the girl was throwing a ruckus as if she would die because of it. But as much as his curiosity irked him, he couldn't argue with her for multiple reasons, the most obvious one is that if he wanted to continue his day off in peace he couldn't attract unnecessary attention to himself, and second he didn't knew much about the book so he couldn't judge her urgency so he just decided to let go of it and hand it carefully to the girl who seemed to try her best to contain her last straw of patience as she waited.

She grabbed it and walked away from him, not even a thank you, nor a glance, she directed her tracks straight to the counter, and as she paid for the book, hyunjin continued to observe her from the other side of the room, where his body hadn't moved an inch.

He didn’t know what made him so intrigued, most likely the girl’s particular way of acting, something completely different to the reactions he was used to getting from people. Something about that indifference made him wonder for a second if he just looked like an ordinary boy to her. Which made him relived because he could carry on his day as he had planned.

After browsing through the aisles for a little longer, hyunjin bought few books and made his way to the cafe. The place was rather cozy with a warming atmosphere the decorations were rustic but very on trend, there was a mixture of fake and real plants all around the establishment which made it really peaceful. Hyunjin ordered his usual ice americano paired up with a chocolate croffle, the perfect bittersweet combination. He sat close to the window and made himself comfortable as he took a sip from his drink and opened one of the books he had just picked up earlier.

The evening went by as hyunjin immersed himself in the delight of his dessert and the word of “someone who will love you in all your damaged glory” the hours went by so fast that he didn’t realize that it had started raining outside. And not the usual drizzle it was absolutely pouring, as if the sky was falling the thunderstorm grew bigger by every second.

Despite liking the rain the situation itself was pretty bad news to him.

Hyunjin panicked, he had to go home now and to make it even worse he hadn’t even brought an umbrella with him that day because the weather was perfect, until now, of course. He didn’t know what to do. Should he call Chan and tell him he was stuck in the city? or should he try to run to make it to the bus stop. He chose the later because he truly didn’t want to bother his members on their day off. It wasn’t something that was granted to them very often, he knew they deserved to rest. Hyunjin had brought this upon himself, he had to fix this himself.

As soon as he exited the shop he met the storm, the water drops showering him from the top of his cap to the bottom of his sneakers. He ran as fast as he could trying to cover himself with his bag. Once he made it safely to the bus stop he was already drench. He boarded the bus and hoped to dry himself as soon as he arrived home.

He got home safely, as he heard the nagging of his members for staying out too late, they were worried about him. And as for his dripping state, they made him wipe the floor. Hyunjin took a warm bath and changed into comfy clothes. Laid in bed as fell into a deep slumber. It had been an interesting but eventful day, he was exhausted.

Hyunjin was standing in a alleyway and his vision was impaired by the darkness, as he tried to make this way out of that place, the sorrowful cries of someone startled him he followed the cries all the way to the end and there was no exit because he had reached a dead end. And suddenly a small light appeared straight ahead where he thought he had reached the blocked wall. So he kept walking as the light grew bigger to the source. The light emanated from a silver lighter that opened and closed, half a cigarette and the girl who held it in between her lips as she continued to manipulate the lighter with her fingers, as hyunjin approached her, everything became clearer. The details on her face, the dry tears on her cheeks, the lines in her forehead from frowning, the sickening smell from the burning cigarette and the defeated look in her eyes. The sight was devastating and hyunjin couldn’t pinpoint the feeling in that moment, it was like his heart was being ripped out. The girl who’s name he didn’t know yet looked so broken in front of him, a total opposite from the first impression he had gotten out her at the library. Hyunjin tried to get closer to hold her but as he tried to grab her hand to ask her what was troubling her the figure disappeared before his eyes, like a magic trick she was long gone. Vanishing into thin air.

“You cant grasp onto something that doesn’t exist”

the beast must die fked me good. going into the first few chapters i instinctively knew this was going to be one fked up manhwa. but no, i was not prepared for how fked up and realistic this manhwa was going to be. the art was mid but towards the end (i think the side stories especially) the art became so good! especially when kirin grew up.

i want to say i wont read this again but i feel like i might because it’s actually impactful. everyone knows the author did a lot of research on the topic and they are so freaking smart like maybe 20 episodes in, i got confused because things were happening so fast and i couldn’t comprehend it.

i am used to seeing the good in the characters because of all the manhwas i read. so i kept convincing myself about kang moo. he is such a well written character and i cannot delude myself into ignoring the facts of his character. he is no saint. he is not morally grey. he is black. that’s why in the first part of the manhwa, he was able to tolerate the shit that was being done to the main character. although kang moo is black, i cant bring myself to say he is a bad person. i really cant. and not in a “i pity him” way, but in a “i like him” way so i cant think badly of him.

i feel my heart breaking for kirin. kirin has been through so much and i want nothing but a happy ending for him but he will not have one because no one will love him romantically. i realised that in manhwas, when the characters don’t explicitly say “i love you” to each other, i think to myself “so, do they know the other party likes them?” (checkmate) i mean, acts of service does work, but words of affirmation are important right? anyways, somehow throughout this manhwa, even though “i love you” was never said, i somehow stupidly thought they loved each other. i feel so damn stupid because it was only kirin and his acts of service are so damn strong to the point that words of affirmation is not even needed? when i realised that, it was so heartbreaking.

i glossed through the final ending and once again, i could not comprehend what was going on. or perhaps this time, i had an inkling but wanted to ignore it so bad. i looked at the author’s replies to comments and i felt sad.

firstly, the first comment hit me so hard because i convinced myself that kang moo loved kirin. but i forgot something important which is that sometimes, yaoi are realistic and there is no happily ever after.

the second comment was an oof. the fact that kirin’s life was entangled with kang moo from then on and how the author said “think”? it’s felt as though the author treated her characters as real people with their own thoughts and emotions so she cannot say for sure how the character felt but she was trying to understand them.

anyways, then my late night thoughts hit. (as if last night with ‘i’m yours, blood and soul’ ending was not harsh enough [honestly, yes it wasn’t as harsh as today’s but still]) and i found myself crying because of kang moo and kirin’s story (the fact that i cant put love before story? fk me a million times over) . i kept thinking about the first comment and the 3 years thing. (how there was no meaning behind 3 years or 5 years besides the fact that it would be cruel to say “the rest of your life”? i’m almost crying again.) then, i decided to whip out my phone and some checks just to make sure there was a happy ending (like maybe kang moo and kirin lived together until they died) but i saw this instead.

what do you perhaps? 😭 it was such a bad feeling but i pretended like the author just didn’t want to say they slept together after.

so, unsatisfied, i continued on my search to see if the author said anything about a happily ever after. i couldn’t find so i just went to see comments about the ending. and wow, this comment by BeliNicole on anime planet made me cry.

i fully agreed with the part that kang moo cares but doesn’t understand it as care or love. but somehow i was convinced that it was love because the manhwas i usually read with characters will eventually realise that its love. even though i knew kang moo was a psychopath and the author mentioned / hinted throughout that he has no feelings, i still thought that kang moo could change. (how dumb because even the person who diagnosed him basically said he was untreatable)

anyways, i read this part a few times and the last few sentences sent me. at first i thought perhaps kang moo would go on a killing spree because he feels heartbroken (because if it’s not love why would he go down on kirin when he doesn’t like it and why would he bring / “force” kirin overseas with him and why would he be jealous when kirin talks to his ex?) but now i realise, it’s not heartbreak. it’s because his grounding is now lost and he has lost all reason (i am not super good at analyzing so i cant say i know whether it was jealously or why kang moo was jealous so i’m just going to attribute it to the fact that kang moo likes to be in control and hates being controlled [kirin did mention about this in one of his dreams when he saw kang moo go to jail]). its so sad because i thought kang moo was getting better once he integrated into life with kirin (the car scene with the manager made me laugh a lot and how kang moo celebrated kirin’s birthday? wow. i cannot. i have teared up again) kirin really loves kang moo so much and i want to say kirin is so handsome he could find anyone else and they would want him but kirin wouldn’t want anyone else. is kirin really lucky that kang moo is loyal to him because kirin will never experience the feeling of love (or maybe he did since he dated before?) anyways, i still feel sad because kang moo will never love kirin the same as kirin loves him. in fact, kang moo will never love kirin full stop.

it just occurred to me that if kang moo knew how sweet he was acting, he would immediately clarify that it was not intentional. perhaps kang moo did not want to lead kirin on because he knows he cannot give kirin what he wants.

this commentor helped me tie the knots about the ending and it broke me because the facts was laid out plain and it made sense why i went so far to find out if there was a happy ending. it also made me realise, kang moo is not morally grey but black. initially there was a part about how he doesn’t kill humans and i kept harping on it so even when he did take lives (especially towards the end) i kept thinking that it was unintentional. but no, i was deluding myself. kirin really loves kang moo and i know i keep saying it but the more i say it the more i realise how much kirin loves kang moo and i feel so sad and i’m crying again 😭. i cant even say i feel so bad for kirin because the author said kirin probably doesn’t regret meeting kang moo. shit, this sucks so bad. no wonder kirin cried in the last chapter.

thank you BeliNicole for opening my eyes and making me realise what a tragic masterpiece this manhwa was. i really never want to read it again because i don’t want to cry this much again but i think i will read it again someday 😭

Im doomed and This is my final destination..

Some people are born to set examples while others grow to be made an example of and im becoming one and i dont wanna see how thats going to end for me, other than suicide. Either ways.

My life is so colorless and i can barely get out of my bed to pee

I dont drink water anymore

Or eat much

I haven’t had food in 4 days and im not even phased

Im so unbelievably ill

Its like my depression is so bad it literally paralyzed me, mentally numbed me that i dont even care about my eating disorder, or my manic episodes anymore, everything is meaningless now even my anxieties and nightmares.

I never catch up until the damage is done good.

Nothing ever matters to me.

Mostly because nothing is ever under my control

Ive always felt like an outsider everywhere i went, maybe its cos im fat maybe its cos im black maybe its because im dumb and ugly or just chemically unbalanced.

I have fought to be normal and to belong every single day of my life just to end up failing at every simple little task i dealt with, just like how i failed every single thing in my life, somehow ill always mange to end up being the weirdo and the target.

I don’t understand how people can stand to be in a room with me.

Im the worst friend, the worst person I’ve known all i do is self destruct

Ruin relationships

Make everyone feel so fucking awkward and uncomfortable

Lie lie lie lie

Im so fucking ugly inside and out I’ve tried to convince myself otherwise but ifs impossible to ignore the truth.

Badly wired like shit

Im so sorry for all of this and what i am

I hate myself so much

I cant even look in the mirror without breaking down i don’t recognize myself anymore

Not even photos

I shaved my head and its so grown and i missed all of it

I’ve missed on major life events, mine and my friends unfortunately i cant take that back

It eats me up alive because there is no excuse for disappearing from thr people i love without notice, there is no way i can bring the days back. The hopes and dreams that we had, the lives we thought we were going to lead once we grew older together, your life is going to be much more better than the dreams weve dreamt once upon a time my friend and knowing that makes me the happiest person alive. Im so sorry to any friend i hurt and i might hurt. Im sorry.

I feel like someone ought to understand why im doing what im doing

nobody deserves to be burden with my stupid meaningless issues.

I have no memories or attention spam anyways

I dont remember anything

Ive been erasing who i am

I just thought this was rock bottom yet i somehow still manage to dive deeper to the lowest point

And the drugs dont work anymore and when the music starts to sound more like background noise without any significance to the words, i know my time is near.

Mental illness, lack of religion, brainwashed im probably going to be called all that but for once in my life i want to not care, call me that so fucking what ill be dead anyways we’re all going to die. Isnt life meant to be a test? This is it.

For once in my life i want to have a say in anything, i want to make a decision on my own and i want that to be my first and last decision i make, just once please.

I do miss believing. When i had religion i had peace and sometimes i wish I listened to my parents and never questioned anything, it would’ve been so much better, different, drastically different than this, different waves of depression but with more stability, anything but this. I wanna believe in something again but it’s kinda too late for me because i can barely look at my reflection and believe what i see.

Im so sorry mama n baba, i would kill myself to give you a better life and a different prodigy wannabe daughter but i just keep taking from you im just a waste of money and resources and i cant bare the guilt anymore, I thought I could fix it but im in too deep. The truth is so disappointing and embarrassing i think i would rather do anything than to face you after you learning about who i am, i dont know what to say than im really so sorry from the bottom of my heart the entirety of my being im sorry snd I love you and i love you and im so fucking sorry that i am the way that i am. Thank you for always being attentive thank you for giving me unconditional love and for making me feel the safest ive known, i know its not easy being my parent, you’ve done amazing and youre doing amazing still. You were just kids who didn’t know anything yourself, i wish that you can somehow forgive me. I fear a lot of things in this world but knowing that my parents could disown me and hate me if they learn my truth, it cripples me. I love you so much mama i love you so much baba. I wish i could give you one last hug one last time but youre a thousand miles away.

To my sisters,

My 2 beautiful sisters, you know.

Im the luckiest person to have had my sisters with me in this life. What a ride, The definition of the word sisterhood. I would take a bullet for my sisters in a heartbeat. Im so sorry

About everything, i hope you can forgive me, i know it grows conflict in your religion, but know that i am going to be at peace now and you dont have to worry about your baby sister anymore. Im not your liability anymore. I hope you grow old to become everything you both ever wanted. I love you so unbelievably much. I love you so much and im sorry. Im going to miss you like crazy. Im going to hug you both again someday somehow.

I dont know when but soon ill be gone, i have a lot to say but i dont feel like leaving anything behind because i dont want to be remembered or cried upon, im selfish for thinking that no one would think to shed a tear for me I know its not true but I don’t want to think about it, once again im a lesson to be learned. Its going ti be better for everyone in the long run. I’ll be more beneficial when im gone<3

I remember i was 12 thinking about suicide, then 15 attempting suicide, promised myself that i would take my life by 18, now 22 surprise surprise im still here.

I’ve always been fascinated by death, I’ve always planned my death it became so normal i would daydream about dying before going to bed and I remember when i was younger during my religious phase, I thought that i could kill myself ages 12-15 so all my adulthood responsibilities and the sins that accompanies that gone avoided too.

I remember thinking it wont count id be tried as a child that god will understand why i killed myself and will somehow sympathize and send me to heaven as if “god” is the highest judge in some sort of fancy supreme court or something that id have to defend my soul for that. I was a fucking child but it was smart. I wish ive done it tho; shouldve listened to the voices huh.

Whatever, im just lonely and bored out of my mind, I feel so old worthless and unaccomplished like I became everything i didnt wanna be, and there’s no going back.

Waadeena, you know that i would give you the world x

I hate how the waiting list for trans healthcare is 6 fucking years. I didn't feel like I could survive when it was 3, now look at the state of it. I've thought about so many things, but I've never been brave enough to do any of it due to the potential outcome. If I fail, I feel useless and then everyone around me would know. I'm an overthinker, I need to think of every detail. And if I say my goodbyes to people over messages before I attempt anything and then end up staying alive, that would be truly embarrassing. I don't want them to worry and sometimes I feel like it would be best to do it without saying anything to them. The thought of me actually succeeding fills me with guilt. I'm not really connected with any of my family members, my step dad has literally told me he wouldn't be sad if I died, but a part of me just doesn't have the heart to put someone through such a thing.

I've thought about hurting myself again, but nothing ever feels enough for me to actually be seen. I punch myself, hold onto burning cups until I couldn't anymore, dug my nails into my skin, starved myself, but my parents seem to brush it off all the time. It makes me feel like what I'm doing isn't anything important and that hurts. It makes me feel like no matter what I do, nothing will be enough to take a moment out of their day to comfort me. I've thought about cutting my chest, burning it with a lighter or even pouring bleach onto it, anything so I can get top surgery. I've thought about damaging my genitalia. I cant stand it, I hate using the bathroom and I hate showers and baths. I don't want to look after myself anymore because I just can't stand to look at myself. But the thing is, my parents, more specifically my mum, has hammered it into me whenever I dared brought up being trans that I will forever regret getting bottom surgery and that it is the worst thing anyone can do and everyone who's ever gotten it hates themselves for it. My step dad doesn't believe top surgery is necessary for me and that I don't need it and i fucking hate him. My body doesn't even feel like my own anymore, I don't want to show my face ever and I don't want to show my voice. I hate my face, I hate everything about me. My stepdad has told me countless of times that he doesn't see me as a boy and that nothing about me is masculine and that just fucking hurts and I want to die. I cant even speak to them about how I feel because all they do is joke about my planned attempts or just fucking leave. I'm convinced that I won't be able to live a happy life until I'm on testosterone and have top surgery, but that probably won't even happen until I'm like 25 so there's no point in even living. How am I supposed to do anything that everyone else does like have relationships and stuff when everyone hates me and thinks I'm disgusting just for being born in the wrong body.

I dont want to seem selfish, my dysphoria isn't even that bad and a part of me doesn't want to take up a slot when some other trans person could have it who is a million times worser then me. Especially since where I am in the UK they aren't even taking any new people on until late 2024.

Suicide seems inevitable at this point and it's only a matter of time until I actually get the balls to do it

im genuinely grappling with the decision of whether to live or die

ive told myself the last few years, in order to get through each day, "you can either choose to end your life now, or accept that youll be alive for another long time, so why not try and make that time left more bearable?". this usually works. i think whats scaring me about where my mind is going is that the solution is slowly becoming "well then maybe i'll end my life instead"

maybe because im a coward. a coward who isnt strong enough to confront or challenge myself with the things i need to do in order to get better. ive always tried so damn hard to take accountability, be compassionate, supportive, and strong. but i havent been able to be strong for months now.

im stuck between a rock and a hard place. it always results in me punishing myself no matter what choice i make. i want to reach out to loved ones and ask for support? get fucked, youre selfish and manipulative for forcing others to give that emotional tax to you without you giving anything to them in months. but oh, you want to just quietly disappear and not make a theatrical out of fear of being attention seeking, so you dont ask for help or talk to anyone for weeks on end? youre a stubborn baby who cant accept help so theres no point in helping you because all you ever do is refuse it

i am a bad person. and i wish i stopped deluding myself into thinking im not, because all that does is skirt accountability.

i hate expressing how much pain and agony im in because itll just upset people. but then offing myself would upset them more. but i need to feel community and connection. and i feel like it's too late to come back from my isolation. how can i just come back in pretending like nothing happened? how can i pretend that i dont wanna kill myself every god damn fucking day and that ive spent months of having my biggest achievement be "i didnt hurt myself"

i cant get through a therapy session without sobbing. i cant think about my old life without having a breakdown. i try so. so. so. fucking hard. to amp myself up to reach out to people, but it's so easy to convince ymself that my presence will receive a strong negative response. like. why bother? i have no positive impact on others. i dont know why im still holding on and deluding myself into thinking it's worth doing so.

im stupid. no matter what i think or feel, my brain manages to find the negative in it and turn it into makign it my fault somehow.

ive always thought i am too weak for this world, and that has become apparent again.

i wish i could be strong.

i wish i could go to bed excited for what the next day will bring, instead of hoping that it'll be my last conscious thought.

im sorry.

this isnt a goodbye note. i am safe but i am not okay at all. im sorry for the heaviness of this. i dont want to be an emotioonal burden any more. i dont want to be thsi way. i just watn this pain to end. i just want it to all go away.

june 6th ; 2023

Lately ive been researching about hikikomori’s. Hikikomoris in japan are basically shut in’s. Everyone sees it as a male issue, but that was never the case. The fact is that it was just overlooked in women. I was thinking about hikikomoris because I remember that at one point of my life, I was really convinced that it wasnt a bad life path at all. Being alone, isnt something im afraid of. I grew up with it. I know how to be alone, I know how to entertain myself, but I dismissed the idea because even though I knew how to be alone, it didnt necessarily mean I liked it. Even now, where im the most social ive ever been, I enjoy going out. But the hikikomori lifestyle stays in my mind. It weighs it down. I cant stop thinking about how I could so easily fall back into my old ways. I could be stuck in my room, only coming out for work and school, and its not like I do much school anyways because a majority of my classes are online. Am I already on my way? Am I spiraling into that situation? These days I haven’t been leaving my room. I smoke, I barely eat, I play video games, I indulge in my hobbies, and I enjoy it, but this sense of being lonely and missing out resonates deeply inside of me, yet I have no motivation to disturb the peace the ive harbored up until now. Im a 19 year old girl, and i have friends, but we aren’t close. I have no one that im interested in dating, nor am I in any contact with any past lovers. I live with my parents, and I have no desire to leave. I love being near my mom. Being near people who accept me--because I know that if I live alone, I will never find anyone to fill that role. I dont want to leave this house because I understand that I am the type of person that can swim in loneliness and not seek out anyone around me. I already have trouble messaging people back. I think thats my problem. Im lonely, I want to be around people, but when people reach out to me, i have no motivation to continue a relationship with them. Am I the problem? Perhaps. I feel pathetic knowing that the open door is right in front of me, and yet I cannot get up. I cannot stand up and take the step towards it to find salvation. These days, I often wonder if Ill ever get married. Imagining myself in a situation where I am loved deeply and vice versa is farfetched. I feel as if there is no room in my heart for the possibility. It saddens me but I also accept it because its most realistic, and I don’t hold any hard feelings for things that are realistic. Its much easier to live life going with it instead of against it. Is that a lazy mindset? I wonder. I dont like conflict. Theres already so much conflict in my life that I cannot control, that when Im approached with things I can control I tend to take the scenic path. To love, and be loved. I dont crave anything too deep besides familial love. I feel satisfied with just that. But am I satisfied with what Im doing in life right now? What will happen to me when I no longer have family to cushion the creeping despair of loneliness? Am I destined to be alone? Am I unlovable? Too complicated, too strange, too abstract? I wonder...I wish I did not though. Wondering always leads to unpleasant thoughts. 

I havent written in like a year. Not like anyone actually cared or anything but i mean nobody even reads what i write. So this is all really just a waste of time. But i wanna talk to people. I want to feel heard, sometimes i dream of getting on stage and scream the words thats been wrapped around my neck for a long long time. But at the same time, i dont wanna be pitied. I hate the faces people make when they pity u it just makes u feel even more pathetic than u actually are. I just want to get this out of my chest u know? Ive really been struggling. I struggled my way out through my childhood. I was molested by my own family, i dated men thrice my age in primary school. I was abused, physically and mentally for years and at the same time taking care of my sister. I grew up poor. I grew up with no money but we had enough to live. Every day i wake up i think of ways to escape home, i didnt even have anyone to turn to. It got so bad i started self harming. I wanted to die so bad that i prayed for it, and gosh i still do. Im not a good person. Ive done some really bad things, people find me bad and theyre right. I keep telling myself that im a person of good heart but i know my evil my demons know me. Theyre apart of me and they will always be. Im not pretty. Im not strong, im not smart. I dont have a hot body, my hair is thin. My family is broken, and im very poor. Dont get me wrong im grateful for what i have but the truth is there im just unlucky in so many aspects of life. Ive had uncountable amount of exes in the past and to be frank i still dont know why. I have an amazing boyfriend, this year it'll be our 4th anniversary. Yeah, longest relationship ive been in. Hes from a beautiful family, financially stable parents and good relationship with his siblings. He has a big no huge family and he is really lovely. I dont know what seems to be the problem but i am starting to be unhappy. I feel like he is going to abandon me some day and no matter how hard i try to convince myself otherwise, deep down i know it'll happen. And the worst part is that he should. Hes amazing and im nothing good, in a disgrace, im a girl destined to always fail. Ive failed at everything but please, i dont wanna fail at love. Love is extraordinary, its something i genuinely feel so much with great force its my strength. I am full of it but i deserve none because im a horrible person inside and out. But we all crave for something we dont deserve right? Hes been making me feel like shit lately and i know he didnt mean that but i can feel him slowly fading out of my life and im so scared of getting abandoned again especially not him. I feel my safest when im with him in fact hes the only person i can really, truly count on. So im scared like hell. Damn it denver please dont run away. Im sorry im so selfish but i cant live like this anymore. I dont want to go through my shit for my entire life alone. My parents they dont get it. They think the that the main reason to my unending problems is because i dont pray enough. They think that the only solution to all my problems is simply just pray them all away. I wish it was that simple. They dont know how i kneeled down, sobbing and praying that God will end this all away. In the toilet, at 3 am with blood dripping down my arm. Its just too hurtful that i started to pray to just die. If He doesnt want me to stop suffering then He can just end me its that easy. God why do u hate me? Why cant i feel light like the other children? Why do i always have to be strong, isnt this enough? Havent i suffered enough? What more are u trying to prove? Until when? Im just so tired. Theres so many responsibilities i have to take as i get older, the amends i have to make with people that i dont want to have in my life just for the sake of being a good person. I want to live freely and happy and loved and safe. But then again, we all crave for something we dont deserve right?

saturday august 27, 2022

so yesterday i had apartment inspections and my landlord kept complimenting my apartment bc it was so empty LMAO and it made it easier to check outlets and stuff. i have such a headache right now, but im awake because i had a really late dinner and now i have indigestion bc of it. im sitting here feeling sick as HELL since i ate so late- and i know that happens, but i cant skip meals rn, i literally can’t afford to skip my meals right now, weight wise.

ive been popping nausea meds like its candy lately to keep my stomach frrm getting so upset lately. it was even fucking testing me tonight but i just tried to breathe through it. i didnt want to take another one, because they give me headaches lol, which is frustrating bc i have one

im super sleepy, but i cant go to bed until i get a shower, and i dont wanna get in the shower until this indigestion goes away. i need some water, but im procrastinating it.

i just got some water.

things have been tough lately. im all hung up on my ex friends messages to me. i know what she said was bullshit- she called me selfish and a liar. If putting myself first, and taking care of myself and setting boundaries is selfish, then i am absolutely selfish. and i dont recall ever lying to her about anything aside frorm my feelings towards her. (her and i lived together at one point and i was very fake-nice to her while we lived together to keep the peace because when she decided she hated me [typically for ableist reasons], she was really mean and verbally hostile and it made me stop eating and get sick, so i was fake with her for my own safety and health, and then i was convinced to give her another chance and regretted it shortly after because i realised she very much hadn’t changed, and was gaslighting me and telling me I had problems when she was the one causing issues.) but anyway, she kept telling me my “karma was getting me for being such a bad person” which has me… confused.. even after talking to it with some close friends.

i live alone, my bills are paid (things are just financially rough for 1 more month, then after this month, ill be pretty set money wise), my apartment is my own, im in an okay area, i have the best friends ive ever had in my life, i THINK i have a crush on someone who feels mutually- like this is the closest to having a partner ive been in several years, i have a therapist, i have health insurance and im getting answers to my health issues, i get to spend my days doing the things i love (art), and im separated from my parents. fully.

i am literally the best ive ever been (aside from trauma stuff coming up, but that comes with the territory of being alone with ur thoughts all day and night) and im in the most stable living situation ive ever been in, and shes gonna tell me MY karma is getting me rn while shes working at target and trying to solve all her health problems with essential oils???? (she is anti vax)

im just so deeply confused. she said “have fun with your lame ass life and 5 internet friends and being selfish and living in a terrible neighbourhood, karmas a bitch now bye”

i dont place my value in how many friends i have, or how many times i go out. ive tried to tell her SEVERAL times that im very content being a homebody. i enjoy spending time alone and have fun with playing video games or watching youtube, reading, writing, and creating art. i like being inside. ive explained that to her more times than i can count and the fact that she just never once listened to me and is calling my life lame lmao. 4 of my 5 friends live only about an hour away and could visit if I scheduled with them a time to hang out, and my neighbourhood isnt bad. Yes there’s gun violence around here, but its… florida… of course there is. she thinks its some big dangerous neighbourhood bc its a predominantly black neighbourhood and shes racist as hell. this neighbourhood isnt more, or less dangerous than any other neighbourhood in my city. plus…… she tries to use ‘karmas a bitch’ at me as if i haven’t told her many times that i dont believe in karma. i believe in consequences to your actions. good & bad is subjective (in non-extreme cases), this situation specifically- i think shes awful and she thinks im awful. Does that mean we both get bad karma? no. it doesnt make sense. karma would only make sense for r^pists and ped0s and m^rderers and ab*sers. People like that.

I hope she figures out how to treat people who are different than her. she gets in this “i can fix them” mindset and then gets mad when they dont accept her “help”. She would always tell me how she. only wanted to help me, but anytime i came to her with my issues, i got ridiculed, questioned, ignored, and made fun of. I told her about my deep, personal shit and i was met with her asking me the most vile, invasive questions ive ever gotten about that issue in my entire life. i told her about something as silly as my water heater breaking and the maintenance man freaking out about it because it was so aggressively dangerous and unsafe to even keep turned on and i had to get an emergency replacement because of it- i told her about that and she didnt even acknowledge it, she just said “damn, anyway did you listen to my voice memos”

also she wants to claim i dropped off and never checked in with her…. i just moved into a place oN MY OWN *one month ago*. ONE MONTH AGO. I ***JUST*** GOT SETTLED IN THIS PLACE THIS WEEK. Im finally getting used to handling cleaning and cooking for myself every day, and im getting used to being alone and finally getting over my nighttime paranoia and im dealing with a lot of trauma stuff that i clearly cant go to her with- and shes gonna accuse me of just dropping off because i didnt talk to her for a couple of weeks, when i have friends i can, and HAVE dropped off from for YEARS and we picked back up chatting like nothing ever happened.

Biggest example is this guy i was friends with in 2020, one day i just quit replying, and he did the same, and i just reached out to him literally 3 days ago and he still refers to me as his friend and we were chatting and talking shit with each other, and he told me about how he still plays music and hes been putting most of his energy into that. Same with a different guy, we didnt talk for a year and now we’re updating each other on our lives and chatting again, and he told me all about how hes visiting his girlfriend in a week and im really excited for him, especially bc theyre moving in together next year. and yet she couldnt handle 2 fucking weeks while i was adjusting to living alone and unpacking by myself and trying to take care of myself during this really big adjustment?

she also tried to tell me that my ex friends told her about how im such a liar and how im so selfish and i asked her to tell me what i have lied about, because she has a history of just calling me names (ableist, a liar, a manipulator, etc) just because she “Wants to piss me off” and she “doesnt actually believe that”, because ive called her out on calling me names before and i would say ‘show me how im being X’ and then later id call her out and say ‘idk why you said this, you never told me how i was being xyz’ and she’d say “oh well i dont actually think that, i was just mad” so i plan to tell those ex friends shes so close with that she either lied about them, or threw them under the bus :) either way, shes about to meet her “karma” aka: consequences to her own actions. once i get my laptop back from them and pay them back, im telling them about her either lying on their name or throwing them under the bus so they know shes a rat. idk why she would use their names tbh lmao, considering her and i were actively fighting.

call me petty, but id wanna know if my friends were throwing me under the bus.

i dont need her. i dont need anyone like that in my life. i dont want to be friends with people who will spin false narratives about me because im taking care of myself, or lying out of self preservation because you make me feel unsafe. i dont want to be friends with people who dont make me feel good. ive had enough of those. i didnt even let my family treat me poorly, what makes you think im gonna let random people treat me badly.

anyway, its 4am and i want to get in the shower, my stomachs feeling a little better, and maybe now that ive written about this, ill shut the fuck up about it. i keep talking to a friend of mine a bout it and im sure ive annoyed the absolute fuck out of them (though they agree with me and ive told them everything ive written here)

Well! You ask I deliver. The 'only one bed' trope with Donnie and his crush? Doesnt have to be nsfw or anything, it can be pure pre-relationship fluff :3 (I also live for that trope even if irl sharing a bed isnt a big deal at all)

Have a nice day!!

*rubs hands together* you never let me down friend 🖤

Rated Fluff and Tension™️

This was stupid.

Absolutely dumb.

So why was he approaching it like it was a complex reconstruction of the truck and the tools just happened to be on fire?

Donnie sighed, there was no reason to blow this out of proportions. Everyone had already climbed onto their respective beds. While Casey and April had no issues sharing the small cot and Vern had been relegated to the couch, you were left to share a bed with anybody willing of. Before the sentence was done you had announced that you didn’t mind sleeping with Donnie.

Which earned you a snort from Mikey, who’s mouth was quickly covered, a smile from Leo and Raph basically telling you the bed would be yours since ‘Einstein don’t sleep shit anyways’

Baseless assumptions.

He slept. He slept plenty. He just slept really really really late into midnight…maybe dawn…sometimes around sunrise.

Point in hand though, he was genuinely tired right about now and you had drifted off a couple of hours ago and you were just…

Was it possible e to fall in love even more when somebody looks the way you do when they sleep? Your sleep shorts had little pineapples on them, that was downright the most stupidest thing that’s ever made him go keyboard smash in his life.

With a sigh he took off his glasses and bandana. Maybe you were an early bird, as soon as he crashed you would hopefully wake up and start your morning. Exhaustion reared it’s ugly little claws at his brain and with all the stealth he possessed he approached his bed.

Currently occupied by you.

The most beautiful thing on this fucking side of the galaxy.

“Do you usually watch people sleep?” Came your groggy voice. Donnie yelped, no his best sound, but he could’ve sworn you were asleep. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to wake you, I’m just trying to-“ You scooted away before he could say or ask and patted the free space on his bed. “Climb on” You smiled sleepily, half closed eyes watched him get in and lay on his side to face you. “Sorry for the accommodations, we did vote to throw Vern out but dad insisted we remain kind” That brought a sleepy snort from you, which only made him smile more. “Crushed that he vetoed that, but I’m not gonna lie, this beats hotel beds by a long shot” You offered him more of the covers, making sure he was snuggled and relaxed.

It was interesting. The idle chat whispered between the two of you. Your scent on his sheets, the way the fairy lights casted a soft glow on your skin.

He quite liked this.

Man, he liked you a lot too.

“I’m a kicker by the way, hope that doesn’t put you off” You nudged his knee with your toes.

“Cant be worse than Leo, I’m convinced he trains in his sleep, I bunked with him until we were maybe 7 or 8, I don’t miss it” The both of you chuckled as quietly as possible.

“Would’ve taken Mikey for the kicker” He saw your eyes run across his maskless face and missing eyewear, he liked the tiny smile you gave him.

“Nuclear warfare could go off next to Mikey and he still wouldn’t budge” That made you cover your mouth to stifle a louder snort.

Donnie caught you looking at his face more, if he could get red faced he would’ve. “You alright?” He hesitated to ask. You in turn nodded before sticking a hand out from the sheets to pat his chin. “You look different without the eyeglasses and bandana” You noted softly to which Donne felt another wave of embarrassment hit. Different good? Different bad?

“I like it, the shape of your eyes is cute”

Cute?

“Thanks, never really saw myself like that” It felt like an autopilot response regardless of his heart threatening to wake up everybody in the Lair. You shrugged, already feeling sleep tickle your senses.

“You’re very cute, Donnie” You yawned a little and turned away and bid him a good night.

The shape of your back, the curve of your body, he could memorize this forever, recreate it in his brain perfectly.

“Think you’re beautiful, y/n” He spoke more to himself, the gentle rise of your back told him you were fast asleep again.

You weren’t.

is it alright if i request hcs for midorima introducing his shy g/n s/o to the team (maybe they’re his lucky item for the day? i cant see his tsundere self introducing them volutarily) and midorima is being soft with them cause they’re a bit scared of the team??

I HEAR YA LOUD AND CLEAR, A VERY CUTE REQUEST, i gotchu fam <3

@knb-kreations

Midorima x shy!Reader

[Headcanons]

as a reserved individual himself, Midorima is not one to broadcast his relationship out to everyone, and this sentiment is only stronger when he knows that you’re even more introverted than himself

even so, after dating for a substantial amount of time, he wants to include you into his life and potential dream career in basketball… and that would entail bringing you to meet his inner circle of his friends teammates

the only problem (and the reason why he’s held off in introducing you to them for so long) is that his teammates can be quite rowdy (and have some… unique quirks? but Midorima isn’t really one to talk)… especially that Takao Kazunari

still, he never felt like he had to introduce you to them right away… when the right opportunity will present himself, he’ll do it

besides, you don’t seem in any rush to meet them anytime soon from the way you’d rather prefer spending your time with Midorima alone

well, until one day, the Oha Asa predictions presented that opportunity:

“Today, Cancers are in a unique situation from the rest! It seems like their luck can be quite stagnant or off the charts depending if they have their lucky item for today! Ready to hear it, everyone?! Today’s lucky item for Cancers isn’t a standard one! It may differ for every Cancer, and that’s the beauty of fate!~ Cancers should bring along with them something that they cherish the most! But be careful…! Cancers should also take care in making sure nothing happens to their lucky item today!”

Midorima, in hearing the prediction from his TV, flinches out of surprise, mostly because the first thing that came to his mind after hearing “most cherished” was you

but alas, he’s going to follow fate down to a T, with no exceptions

when he approaches you early morning, he tells you with the straightest face:

“(y/n)-san, according to the Oha Asa, you’re my lucky item today.”

“U-U-Uh… um, is… is that a pick-up line?”

“Hmph! As if I would stoop myself down to Takao’s level. The Oha Asa predicted it so, and I will not take any chances today.”

“Um… what do I have to do then?”

Midorima softens his gaze at you and mumbles, “Nothing really. Just stay by my side for the entirety of today.”

thankfully, today was a Saturday, so at least school wouldn’t be an obstacle between the two of you being separated

so here you are, tagging along with Midorima to do some mundane trips around the neighborhood

Midorima please… this is literally just a date but he refuses to acknowledge it as such

he still had basketball practice that evening though, so by then, it was time for him to go to the gym to start warmups

… but wait, that would mean he’d have to bring you there too…

“Ahem… you…” Midorima clears his throat. “Do you mind just sitting on the benches inside? There’s no need for you to make conversation if you do not wish to do so.”

“O-Of course!” you exclaim. “I… I wanna see you play too… even if it’s just practice, I-I hope your teammates won’t mind?”

“Well I’ll make sure they’ll mind their own business.”

“Would I really bring good luck to you by just sitting and watching you, Shintarou…? It’s hard to believe that the Oha Asa said that I’m… supposedly lucky?”

“The Oha Asa is never wrong,” he says confidently. “Besides, I don’t see it anything but an advantage when I know you’ll be here to provide support in your own way. After all, you do make the most out of your capabilities and do your best, nanodayo…”

Midorima makes sure to enter the gym first, with you tailing behind and taking shelter behind his broad back

even despite that, nothing could prepare you for the chaos inside

a basketball FLEW to you and nearly killed you if it wasn’t for the fact that Midorima easily stopped the ball in its projection

“Fools! Are you ever careful in shooting?!”

“Ah shut it! Not everyone’s like you, Midorima!”

“If you have that much energy complaining, then you have the energy to start warming up, rookie.”

Midorima sighs in response to their comments, but you’re behind him peeking out a bit and then ducking behind his back again when you saw how intimidating they were

“Wh-Whoa!! Shin-chan brought someone over?!”

“What?”

“Where?!”

“The brat brought someone over?!”

Takao immediately skips over to him and you, curiously peeking to see who Midorima, the ever-so serious and hardworking dude, brought to practice; it’s very rare that he’d bring his own Teiko ex-teammates along, let alone anyone unrelated to basketball

“Oh! Aren’t you (y/n)-chan?” Takao asks, tilting his head with a childish wonder

“O-Oh, um…” you reply, darting your eyes to Midorima before continuing. “It’s nice to meet you… I’ve heard a lot about you from Shintarou, Takao-kun.”

Midorima turns red and denies it to his breath as he hounds on Takao as an outlet for his embarrassment

Miyaji and Ōtsubo are peeved but lowkey curious about why Midorima brought you here, so they ask… to which Midorima replies:

“(y/n)-san is my lucky item for today, nanodayo.”

“Captain, can I throw my family’s pineapples at him??”

“Shin-chan, I’d normally laugh, but did you just label a person as an object?” (to which Midorima immediately interjects, “A-Absolutely not!!”)

“Alright, you little shit, you 1st-years are really getting on my nerves right now…”

“W-W-Wait…!” you exclaim, slightly stepping out from behind Midorima’s back. “Please don’t be mad at him… I wanted to watch too…” but when everyone’s attention immediately shoots to you, you squeak and hide behind his back again

from the way you clutch onto Midorima’s shirt from behind, Midorima immediately turns around to you with a soft tone of voice

“Hey, come on now… they’re not bad people, nanodayo. You know I’ll be there by your side if anything happens, (y/n)...”

everyone’s REALLY quiet hearing how Midorima talks to you, and they’re like WTF???? WHERE DID THIS SIDE EVEN COME FROM….?

only when Takao blows a slow whistle to break the silence does everyone break into quiet snickers, ready to make fun of Midorima to death about it

as Midorima gives you a short pat on the head and turns to walk to put down his duffel, all of his teammates follow him to give him those “playful” hits and slaps on the back and arms LMAOO some may have actually knocked his spine out of his body though ngl

you’re just standing there timidly, not knowing what to exactly do next, and Miyaji notices you and approaches you

“Oy,” he says with his usual rough tone of voice. “If you really wanna watch, you can sit over there. Don’t be in the way though.” He points to the specific bench, but softens his usual Spartan-like, harsh frown just a tad bit when he sees you cowering a bit

“Sorry… uh, (l/n)-san, right? Take care of the idiot for us.”

“What do you think you’re doing?” Midorima immediately stalks over to the two of you, knowing full well how… scary Miyaji can be, and Miyaji’s frown comes back

“Huh? Nothing for you to be concerned about, rookie.” Miyaji KICKS Midorima to the court to start doing shooting drills and then turns to you like nothing happened

“W-Wait, Shintarou…?”

“He’ll be fine,” he sighs, ruffling his hair. “If he does anything stupid, let one of us know, alright?”

“He’s been, um, good to me.”

and Miyaji gives a little smile for the first time as a stamp of approval, and then he goes back to practice while you lightly skip to the bench… that smile MAY have convinced you that Midorima’s team wasn’t so scary after all

“Sooooo....” Takao says, jabbing Midorima’s ribs. “Your lucky item, eh?”

irk marks appear on Midorima’s head as he prepares to strangle Takao, only to remember you were watching him

“Ahem… (y/n) is my lucky item, regardless of what day or prediction.”

“Eurghh, that’s so sappy, what the fuck—”

“Shut up if you know what’s good for you, Takao.”

the entire team = your personal bodyguards for REAL, and it’s almost scary how every single teammate uses their own “softer” side when talking to you directly like… Midorima is now kinda regretting that he introduced you to them so late? he didn’t know that his teammates would be THAT considerate to you

especially Takao… he’d say a bunch of jokes to get you to laugh but he’d know EXACTLY when to back off and let you chill out??

the upperclassmen would be very polite and soft spoken with you?? like they all have their own respective younger siblings, so they’d definitely treat you like one

Kimura always offers you to taste-test his family’s produce for free, free of charge, zilch, nada

Midorima wonders if they like you better than him (spoiler alert: of course they do)

to get under Midorima’s nerves while you aren’t around, they’d always go, “Bro, where’s your lucky item???” in referring to you LMAOOO (Takao is ESPECIALLY guilty of this)

Take That!

Corpse Husband & Reader (Female) ft. Streamer Gang

Warnings: Mentions of Depression, Suppressed Sadness, Swearing

Genre: Platonic Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, RPF (Real Person Fic)

Summary: What is a friend? Your smile through the tears. The umbrella over your head when it starts raining. The ointment to your wound. But if you wanna put it in a more literal manner, a friend is something that doesn’t have a concrete definition. It can be the person you sit next to in class or the person who’s hundreds of miles away from you and you’re connected to through a Discord call.

Requested by Anon. Hello dear! Thank you so much for your request, sorry it’s taken me so long to complete and post it but here it finally is and I hope you enjoy the read if you happen to come across the fic. Love, Vy ❤

There are those days when I wake up excited for a new day. There are also those days when the thought of playing Among Us with my friends is all that gets me out of bed. And then there are those days when not even that can get me to budge. Today is one of those days.

I’d still be in bed right now had I not needed to use the bathroom. On my way back to hide under my covers, I heard my cat’s meow from the kitchen, reminding me she needed to be fed. After tending to that task I just sort of lost will to return to bed either. Speaking truthfully, today is a will-less day. The type of day where I have no idea what to do with myself because I feel so odd and uncomfortable: heavy and bustling head, motivation below zero no matter whether I have zero tasks to tend to or a mountain high pile of work. It’s a laying on the floor and letting my mind eat away at me type of day and I can’t say I appreciate it.

The only thing I have to look forward to is the game of Among Us Corpse invited me to yesterday. Had I known I’d wake up feeling like absolute shit, I wouldn’t have accepted. I just know I’ll be a downer the whole time because I suck at covering up how I feel - my smiling masks and faux happiness don’t cut it but staying quiet is even worse because I’m typically and energetic and bubbly person, always having something to say or a comment to add to the conversation. Always looking to make people laugh.

Well, it’s hard to make people laugh when you feel like a deflated balloon.

I can’t describe the feeling any better than that - I feel empty, maybe a little sad somewhere in the mix, unmotivated. I keep these feelings to myself cause whenever I bring them up people just blow me off, saying I’m describing laziness but more dramatically. Either that or burnout which is sometimes the case, but I’m more than sure that it’s not the culprit for today. You can only blame burnout so many times.

Anyway, I make a mental note, promising myself I’m not gonna bail on my friends regardless of whether my mood gets better or worse. Who knows, maybe a gaming session with them is exactly what I need.

                                                              *  *  *

Not much has changed with my emotional state - I’ve spent a good chunk of the day surfing through TV channels and my socials with nothing else to occupy my mind but the overwhelming knowledge that I’m not feeling ok and that hyperawareness of a void that I feel but cannot describe. At one point, Corpse sent me a text to confirm I’d be participating in the gaming session and I was this close to saying no. This close to coming up with some bullshit excuse and bailing but I didn’t, thankfully. 

Here’s the thing about this drop in mood of mine - I know it’s gonna be gone by morning. It bullies me, beats and batters me for only twenty four hours - never more, never less. Like clockwork and as precise as a Swiss watch. And so fucking annoying. No matter what I do, I can’t end it prematurely and I can never wake up feeling down and unmotivated the next morning - there’s always a surge of motivation coursing through me and it drives me to be super productive as if making up for what I didn’t do the previous day when I was in the dumps.

It’s a twisted way of it showing me I’m powerless and at the mercy of a force that, despite being mine and existing within me, I’m completely unfamiliar with. It’s so fucking unfair, it’s disheartening.

“Hi everyone! Sorry I’m late.“ I greet the five people who have already gathered in the Discord call and the Among Us lobby.

Yeah, sorry I’m late, I was contemplating not showing up at all last minute

“Don’t worry about it, many people are running late as you can see.“ Rae replies reassuringly, “How’s your day? Anything spectacular happen?“

I can’t help but scoff, “Yeah sure, a TON of spectacularism in my life on the daily. From the large stack of papers I couldn’t bring myself to touch, to the dusty surfaces all over my apartment I didn’t convince myself to clean - it’s all fabulous over here.”

Fuck, that was too real

“Whoa, where’d all this sarcasm come from?“ Rae asks, sounding genuinely baffled rather than teasing, “It’s never been your strong suit.“

“Neither has unproductivity.“ Corpse, my best friend, chimes in, “Everything ok?“

Well, I admit, I should’ve known better than to have an outburst like that in front of people who have known me for a while now and can probably gauge my emotions even without me admitting to them. I truly don’t know where it came from. Hell, I didn’t even see it coming.

“Nah, it’s ok. I’m just being lazy, I guess.” I’m quick to withdraw and brush off any suspicion. The last thing I want is to worry my friends or, even worse, receive the same response from them: that I’m being dramatic, that I’m attention-seeking, that I’m just lazy and unmotivated as are most people of my generation.

“You know, what people often self-diagnose as ‘laziness’ often turns out to be something more serious. I don’t mean to scare you, but it could be depression.“ Corpse says after a brief moment of silence in the call, his voice soft and cautious as if explaining a complex problem to a kid who’s bound to be hurt by what it’s told.

I can’t help but chuckle. He has no idea how much he’s relieved me by saying that. I always ‘don’t want to talk about it’ and ‘want to change the subject’ while what I truly need happens to be the complete opposite. I need someone to hear me out, I need someone who will not brush me and my concerns off like we don’t matter. I need someone who’ll understand. And if these people who have openly struggled with anxiety or depression don’t get me, who will?

“Yeah, I genuinely thought I thought of myself as a lowlife while I was in college cause I started losing motivation for everything and started fearing what was to come. I began avoiding going out and talking to people cause I felt like I was the sore thumb in the friend group I had - the only one without any specific goal or a dream.“ Leslie says out of the blue, “Turns out I suffered through a burnout so bad it turned into an anxiety/depression combo that I just blamed on being a lazy college student.“

“Same here!“ Toast pipes in, “I was bedridden for a while during the first days of my streaming career, for a very ridiculous reason - I believed I didn’t deserve the attention I was getting and I wasn’t doing as well as people gave me credit for. So that had me crippled with self-doubt for a long while.“

“I still don’t believe I’m doing as well as I get credit for, but oh well.“ Leslie laughs, “I already told you all about my dumpster-fire of a brain, so I’m instead gonna say: what you need is an appointment with a therapist. Also - you need to stop underestimating your struggles. Invalidating yourself and what you’re going through is gonna make things only worse for you. You need to love yourself.“

“And you need us!“ Rae exclaims, “You need the best support you can get and, lucky for you, we’re the best in the business. Count on us always being there for you, Y/N. Cause we always will be.“

“You’re never alone. We’re all just a call or a text away. Especially me.“ Corpse adds, “I’m basically at your service 24/7, just like you’ve always been for me. What are best friends for if not sharing mental struggles and lifting each other up afterwards?“

I don’t know when this smile made its home on my face but it seems to be rather happy with where it is and wants to stay. Something tells me that thanks to these guys, it will indeed stay there for quite some time. And every time it tries to slip away, they’ll be there to bring it back.

“Then let’s lift each other up, shall we? I mean, what better way to do it other than killing each other and getting away with it?“ I attempt a giggle, hiding my emotions behind it like my life depends on it. Chances are they heard all I’m feeling in my voice, but I can only hope they’re not gonna mention it.

“Y/N, hun, I’m sorry to burst your bubble but....you never get away with it.“ Corpse wheezes, causing me to narrow my eyes and frown.

“Oh, you’re so gonna get it now!“ I exclaim, cracking my knuckles before getting my hands on my keyboard, “Start the game! I have a point to prove!“

And just like that, in what felt like the blink of an eye, the clouds have shuffled aside to make path for the sunshine to grace my brain with positivity I was not expecting to feel until tomorrow morning. I can’t give myself the credit for that though - it all goes to these amazing people I have the honor of calling friends.

I may have no power over it on my own, but with the gang’s help, I can take full control of it. And as a middle finger to the melancholy, I’ll do it all with a bright smile on my face.

Take that, brain!

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lets talk: popular iwwv criticism

(disclaimer: i know criticism is subjective and thats why im doing this, i wanna look at some common points made against iwwv and dissect them just a little bit in the opposite direction. also none of this is directed at any individual- it’s all based on the general talking points i’ve seen surrounding the book.)

SPOILER WARNING !!

lack of exploration into james and oliver (+ gay characters feel performative)

i’ve seen loads of people say that oliver and james’ relationship felt very performative, a way of including the queer romnce which clearly is very important to the plot but not actually giving it any space in the novel, nor developing it to the same extent which meredith/oliver was.

oliver and meredith had a very strictly physical relationship and while he did love her, he wasn’t in love with her the way he was with james. the juxtaposition in the way that oliver/james is delivered and the way meredith/oliver is delivered is, i believe, far too repetitive to not be intentional. i actually realised upon re-reading how much focus there really is on meredith’s sexuality, even in subtleties in the book. meredith and oliver get more blatant sex scenes, get more physical parts because oliver was (to an extent) using his attraction to meredith to distract himself from his infatuation with james.

we also have to remember that oliver and james didn’t get their real moment of honesty about their relationship till extremely late into the book. i’d honestly see it as more ‘performative’ to then after or in the middle of kind lear throwing in some wild sex scene between the two. it wouldn't have fit.

“why didn’t james and oliver get together earlier then >:(((“ because the slow burn between them, the subtext, the subtle-ness, the yearning, they were all crucial to the decision which oliver made at the end. the fact that they burned so bright for each other but (oliver particularly) were so desperately repressed, that was what made this such a tragic romance. yes its tiring to read stories about queer people being repressed, yes its tiring to see the bury your gays trope. but like oliver says, it goes beyond gender.

if oliver’s second love interest was a girl, and treated this way, we’d be a lot more on board with these tropes- but the fact that james is a man, and this therefor becomes a queer relationship, makes it feel performative. i can’t convince you of anything- but i like to believe that their relationship being treated like this not only makes it so much more “heart wrenching because why! why couldn’t it work out, why couldn’t it be better!” - not because its a queer relationship but because they were soulmates.

alexander wasn’t performative. not in the slightest, rio just didn’t make being gay his entire identity. same goes for colin. just because they’re queer doesn’t mean it needs to be the only thing about them. this isn’t a lgbt novel- characters dont have to be gay just for plot. they can just be gay.

i’ve also seen people complain about not just making oliver bisexual. guys. did you read the book? he was bisexual. he was emotionally and physically attracted to both meredith and james. guys that’s literally what bisexual means.

i'm totally on board with the coming out scenes! and realisation of feelings and all that stuff- but again, not an lgbt centric novel and also- these were things oliver probably did and realised far before this book. remember that its set in 4th year, at an art school. he knew he was fruity ok. not every queer character in every queer book have to have these grandious coming out scenes or realisations. the lack there of doesn’t equal performance.

the ending was rushed and bad

believe what you will, but i don’t think james is dead. there’s a little too much ambiguity in that ending, in the extract he leaves oliver, in the “his body was never found.” so if your main quarrel with the ending is that “bury your gays” situation- please know there’s a chance- and that giving it that chance opens up so much more discussion and reader response.

yes, the ending is sad. but it’s not rushed. “but that is how a tragedy like ours or king lears breaks your heart- by making you believe the ending might still be happy until the very last second.” doing king lear, doing macbeth, doing romeo and juliet, the plays are chosen not only for reader convenience (they’re plays readers will most likely be familiar with) but also because they all, so very deeply, foreshadow a “bad” ending. killing james, makes sense. as much as people don’t want to hear it, from an authorial perspective- from the reader’s perspective and as a human being it makes sense. why do keep arguing that he “should’ve stayed alive for oliver” or that “if he really loved oliver he wouldn’t have done it” - why are we limiting a character’s entire existence down to their love interest. yes, they were best friends, yes they were set up as lovers but that doesn’t mean that that would be enough to keep james around. james was a fragile character- he was always checking with oliver if he had upset him, he was always worried, overthinking, james wasn’t strong minded- and he was suffering. the only person he had left to depend on was in prison, he was plagued with the guilt of causing the death of a classmate and letting oliver take the blame, if he did kill himself, it sure as hell doesn’t have any reason to sound forced.

“its not nearly as good as the secret history!!!!”

to be honest here buds, why the fuck do we keep comparing them so insistently. they are not the same book. iwwv wasn’t trying to be tsh 2.0, yes there are similarities because hey! guess what! books in similar genres tend to do that! always comparing it tsh when they have different motives, different plots and vastly different execution makes no sense. the only reason that they are compared is because tumblrtm dark academics like to group the two together. and yea- makes sense, but stop trying to belittle iwwv because it isn't as grandiose as tsh, because it’s a little more literal, because it’s not as intertextual as tsh. half the people saying iwwv isn’t as good as tsh are practically just subtly going “shakespeare isn’t as complicated as ancient greek huehue” stop forcing the two together and let them be separately appreciated.

the characters were flat/archetypes/etc

sigh. okay.

these characters are actors. this book shows us their transition from themselves entirely into a conjunction of the roles they’ve played and the stereotypes they’ve portrayed.

“we were so easily manipulated - confusion made a masterpiece of us.”

“for us, everything was a performance”

“imagine having all your own thoughts and feelings tangled up with all the thoughts and feelings of a whole other person. it can be hard, sometimes, to sort out which is which.”

“far too many times i had asked myself whether art was imitating life or if it was the other way around”

“it’s easier now to be romeo, or macbeth, or brutus, or edmund. someone else.”

are you seeing it now? this focus on their archetypes, this focus on the character they are; the way they see themselves not merely as human but as a walking concoction of every character they have turned into and out of. they depend on their archetypes to give them meaning. rio uses these archetypes to remind us of the submersion of her characters. they weren’t flat, their intentional lack of dimension due to their pasts is what makes them so intricate. furthermore, there's an evident subversion- the tyrant becomes a victim, the hero becomes a villain (they all become villains really), the ingenue becomes corrupted. like mentioned before, i think we forget ourselves easily reading this book but there is a great deal of emphasis on this being their last year- which is so important. the damage has been done and a lot of the issues people have with the content (or lack thereof) in this book has to do with the fact that it’s all things that would have occurred in books focusing on previous years at delletcher.

“it didn't live up to expectation” (also leading on from read tsh to this and being ‘disappointed’)

i cant argue this because its entirely subjective. whatever expectation was created for you, i cannot know that and appropriately respond however- if you liked the secret history and understood the secret history then there's a good chance you also liked and understood this book- even if not to the same extent but you must be able to recognize the authorial approach and its significance. i think a lot of ppl read iwwv (and a lot of “dark academia” texts and films) and hope to be able to romanticize the aesthetic or the concepts and then are disappointed when they are presented with mildly unlikeable and overwhelmingly human characters who aren’t easy to romanticize.

a great majority of these books are criticisms of the very culture you’re trying to romanticize, and the only time you’re willing to admit that is when boasting about the ‘self-awareness’ of the people indulging in them, and then a moment later complain about those same qualities because they don’t serve this idealized expectation.

bad rep for arts/liberal arts/ humanities students as being pretentious/cultish

as a humanities student with a great love for eng lit- all of these things are indeed pretentious and cultish. not all the time and not always and not every person- but it is a common theme. academia is overwhelmingly obsessive and extremely white-washed. people become so fast to believe that they are indulging in finer arts and are therefore a higher standard of person. academia is problematic. and the recent influx of people interested in it is good, very good because hopefully, we’ll be more diverse, more open-minded, more accepting. that's what i hope at least. if you know, as an individual, that you’re not a pretentious academic who places themselves above non-academics then that's wonderful- but there are dangers and negative sides to academia that need to be understood so that we can see to not perpetuating them.

i cant refute all points, mostly because there's a lot of good and well-explained criticism because no book is perfect. and my intentions are not to belittle anyone's opinion. these are merely opposing arguments, food for thought and to be fair- a critical look into why not everything is always going to be what we expect of it and why every ‘problem’ can be assessed.