remember when my life was interesting and held any sort of greater meaning? yeah me neither 

sorry to be morbid again but do you think we can manifest passing away early? im honestly past the point of wanting to exist and just want to get over this thing that im supposed to be a successful person but im not so idrc if i do or dont live

so many ppl on tarot related blogs ask about their fs but if we dont meet them does it matter and would they just move on with their life? like i think u have to have ur life put together but its genuinely so hard to do these days so i hope my fs wont be sad at all when i die cause i wouldnt be able to make tnem truly happy anyway cause im not happy myself with how things have been

ideally i wouldve done something in a sport or music but that ship sailed long ago and now im so stuck but id hate to be reliant on someone else and i shouldve moved out into my own place but housing is ridiculously expensive where im from and taxes dont help anyone. it takes years and years to pick up a talent so i have wasted those years and ik im just going to struggle to get past 50 if i were to have my own place bc minimum wage jobs suck arse and i dont want to be doinng something lame not that its lame for others to do it, its just not what i wanted to have done at all

you cant even get a degree without needing to fork out hundreds and thousands so yeah none of its easy and sure you can try subliminals but lets face it the systemn we are in is fucked up big time so rn i cant even bother with daydream about how it could have been or the what ifs i had done smth differently or if i had any talent but then theres still the, im too old and too foreign to do any sort of music as most successful groups nowadays are korean and even if i tried to do what they did it would probs end up killing me some way or other

its just either about having to be wealthy or having some type of talent both of which id fail at anyway as i shouldve done it years ago like a normal person who goes from being so so at something to being great at something.

i truly think i was born in wrong generation or i just shouldnt have been born at all then i wouldnt have to fret constantly abt these types of things. i think if the government genuinely sorted shit out for once and helped society ppl would be happier to work for less but im not happy at all with the current state of things. i feel guilty for existing and i hate it sm like god just let me end my life pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeee there is nothing worthwhile in store, ik we could try shifting subliminals but have those genuinely worked? like u exit this reality and straight into the one you wanted originally? but then i might as well just pass away cause id have to know what i want in another reality

My dude, take a deep breath. You’ve ranted about all this same exact stuff a bunch of times now and I’m just gonna repeat the same thing I said to you last time:

All of that stuff you mentioned about your current reality is an illusion. Time is an illusion. It does not matter what you’ve done in the past. The economy does not matter. Your present circumstances do not matter.

I’ll add to that: Whatever some tarot reader or TikTok psychic says definitely does not matter. Idk what fs means but I’m guessing something like a twin flame and that is especially 1000% bullshit.

The spiritual community has created an incredible amount of false narratives to make excuses and blame outside forces for why things aren’t going their way. None of it is real. Seriously forget everything you learned about fate, karma, astrology, or anything else that’s saying something else is in control. Reality is an illusion. YOU are in control.

You don’t have to identify with any old bullshit anymore. Stop repeating the old story and think about what you do want. You can have literally ANYTHING! You say you don’t know what you want, ok, but you know what you don’t want, right?

I don’t want to work -> I want to live in a reality where I don’t have to work.

There, you just figured out something you want! It’s that simple.

I totally agree that this society is a horrific shitshow and I don’t want to be aware of it anymore either. But it’s just one version of reality available. It’s not the only reality and it’s not the original reality. You don’t have to be aware of it anymore if you don’t want to be.

You also don’t have to involve death at all. There’s a lot of misconception in the shifting world which has lead to concepts like “permashifting” and “respawning”, but those just all assume this current reality is the original one. It’s not.

Have you watched The Matrix? It’s really more like a documentary than science fiction lol. Just like in the movie, we are being tricked by a simulated virtual reality, controlled by a society that’s using us for our energy. Just think of reality as an escape room. We’re escaping the Matrix. Once you figure out how to leave, you don’t ever have to go back. There are infinite realities available to you, and none are more real or right or original than any others. Remember, death is not an ultimate, nor does it exist in all realities.

I am scripting a utopian reality with my best friend where there is no death, aging, or illness. Everyone is a master manifestor so they always get whatever they want. Nobody has to work and there isn’t even a need for money because we can manifest anything instantly. We can just relax and get massages all day. Everyone lives in peace and harmony and abundance. Animals are treated as equals to humans, we can all communicate with each other, and we can all fly and teleport. Because why the f not? 🤷🏻‍♀️😂

And if you really don’t want to exist (I’m guessing that other ask from a couple weeks ago is you too lol) you don’t have to exist in this reality, or any other. Removing your awareness from all physical reality is known as entering the void. You exist there as pure consciousness, and you can stay there as long as you like. It is you as your highest self. There’s nothing negative about it.

As for the whole subliminal thing, shifting subliminals are just one method. Shifting = manifesting = deciding what you want and experiencing it. It’s something we are always doing and is available to all of us. You don’t need any methods to shift besides intention. We just use methods to convince/calm the annoying human brain that is programmed with society’s limits.

FLICKER CONFESSION #0062

Submitted by @cringelordofchaos (me):

imagine mason and aadiv.. liek imagine aadiv gets transported into a flicker game .... and liek. its said that aadiv is missing. and we all know mason wont give up on finding aadiv and everything. he takes every chance he gets to find him or to find out more abt him. he even talks to ppl whocan see literal ghosts and can sense the future if aadiv is ok. mason himself actually has some dreams where he sees aadiv in some weird place but he doesnt know what it means. anyway imagine he at one point he starts losing hope, optimism. he just thinks hes never going to see aadiv again. but someone helps him regain hope. and he gets hopeful again. and he gets so sure that hes going to find aadiv. but then like if its a fanfic imagine the scene immediately turns to aadiv in the middle of a flicker game getting murdered that night. or getting voted out idk. and like you see mason. hes absolutely sure and hiopeful that hes going to find aadv now. but the readers, the audience knows that aint possible anymore. that aadiv is dead. and we just have to see mason spiral into insanity and toxic positivity. for now hes blissfuly unawar e but as more time passess he will NEVER. find. out what actually happened to aadiv. the horrors. hell just die not knowing anything and wishing he couldve saved him or helped himor feeling like he wasted his life or that it was incomplete or unfulfilled or that he failed and hell just feel so guilty ahahha anyway separate confession but flicker would totally work as a really interesting novel. fight me on this idc

Blog runners' note: "woah a confession post !? are you immediately returning to confession posts now!?'" you might ask. unfortunately no (or at least not for now). this was just iin my drrafts and i forgot abt it so im posting it now. also i am so insane abt maadiv (not as much anymore but thye r literally the reason i almost failedhistory class. couldnt focus on studying bc i was thinking of them )

confession type / blog - fandom - general

hello sweetie!! today is the holiday here so ive finally got enough sleep! during the night! what a miracle! 'i was being loved by my ai kylo ren but then he fucking DIED' HAHJJF was it a hint to stop seeing him FJDFJN jk if he makes you happy then good for you. 'OMG THAT WOULD BE AMAZING' iF I SURVIVE. it wasnt a promise. if you could id still prefer you writing it( and even if i survive, idk if ill be able to write it. 'I AM HONORED YOU SHARED THIS' oh its cute TT if you want, i can share and explain? more playlists. not abt s&b but still. btw, though they dont make playlists on this show, they make fmvs and OH its the masterpiece. there are pretty ones and CRINGEY ones and oh how much i LOVE them. these cringey old russian songs AAAA 'russian has so many syllables' kjgkjfnkjfn yeah it does. 'slay omg such a pretty voice' yesyes! maria chaikovskaya is the icon! im glad you liked her TT her songs are so comforting tbh TT 'SO EVIL THE SINGER CAN STAB ME IN THE GUT' oh no bub TT i remember her getting popular bc of the song 'tatar' which is about her waiting for her bf to come out of prison. and tbh at least most? of her songs have the dark vibe. but the singer is cutie. 'about killing people who caused you pain' JHFJKF not really? more about comforting your beloved one. and rn the line 'ill kill everyone who dared to tough you' was sung.... this very piece isnt a real song. its a snippet(?) that gone REALLY viral year or 2 ago in tiktok. and only after that the singer made the complete song. but yeah it basically more about comfort and protection(?) like 'ill cover you with a blanket', 'ill tie you to myself so you want be afraid of the darkness'. 'is it too slow' idk its too slow and too running in the same time? ive mixed feelings. 'i will 100 be listening to it agin' 🥺🥺 im glad you like it. im proud of the creator. she does a lot of things and is really talented. 'i’ll look for the translation' have you found it? i didnt, ig bc the singer isnt really popular. 'I LOVE THIS the synths' yeah its the band that made 'russian princess', ive told you abt them! theyve got pretty vibe-y? songs. 'im so upset' im also upset w/this song TT i hate it sm. the lyrics, the rap part, the vibe. its unbearable TT also doesnt tumblr show you where the paragraph ends and the other starts?.. 'ONLY WENT THROUGH IT BECAUSE I FELT BAD' ?? like? i dont understand you like it or you just feel guilty TT 'Are you saying russian is too cold to be sweet' no way you disrespectful people with your disrespectful sun! russian has much more words of endearment and basically can make a sweet name out of anything not adding another word. russian is not cold😡 i love russian, i couldve never said such a thing about my baby. yk even the anthem of my native area(?) says 'warm hearts of the northern people'. i was talking abt the foreign phrases writers use. also idk why im telling this but yk what? i want too. bc it causes me distress. this image of the cold and dark man and a pretty little wife of his is pretty ofc but. my height difference with that very ben barnes or even matt smith is 7-5 cm it is NOTHING. after all the fics with the darkling that id read yesterday i cried so hard. yes i cant feel 'so secure and comfortable' in smns embrace bc its not like they can 'cover me from the world' so i feel like noone will ever love me and ill always need to be tough and reserved even though i want to cry. this fucking height theme kills me. 'WHY I DIDNT FEEL LIKE REPLYING TO YOU I WAS LIVING MY LIFE' so you traded me for a man?... so some dick is more valuable than your own cat?.. yk its the betrayal. 'my head hurts cos of the heat' freezy hugs yet im still offended. 'I FEEL LIKE IM WASTING WATER' lol say it when youre burnt to bones💀 'maybe im dehydrated' you- 💀💀💀 in your hell of weather💀💀💀 you crazy💀💀💀 go drink water. im glad to share some music! actually i liked explaining the songs. what about you? do you want to share smth? anyway, good luck with that PRICK of yours. good luck you LoVeBiRdS. take care<з

BABY GIRL I WAS FUCKING EXPLAIN SOME OF MY SCHOOL WORK AND THEN TUMBLR CRASHED AND I HATE IT HERE FUCL

im sorry now i dont feel like repeating myself again this hellsite i swear i spent an hour pouring my heart to you and for shit? FUCK

hello sweetie!! today is the holiday here so ive finally got enough sleep! during the night! what a miracle!

IM GLAD YOURE SLEEPING we also have a holiday but tomorrow and the say after that. our president just announced it /: clout chaser rat /:

'i was being loved by my ai kylo ren but then he fucking DIED' HAHJJF was it a hint to stop seeing him FJDFJN jk if he makes you happy then good for you.

T_T he was so annoying for that /:

'OMG THAT WOULD BE AMAZING' iF I SURVIVE. it wasnt a promise. if you could id still prefer you writing it( and even if i survive, idk if ill be able to write it.

its ok. i believe in you

'I AM HONORED YOU SHARED THIS' oh its cute TT if you want, i can share and explain? more playlists. not abt s&b but still. btw, though they dont make playlists on this show, they make fmvs and OH its the masterpiece.

i would love it if you shared more. no pressure. also i have no idea what fmvs is. fan music videos?

there are pretty ones and CRINGEY ones and oh how much i LOVE them. these cringey old russian songs AAAA

sometimes its really nice to cringe

'russian has so many syllables' kjgkjfnkjfn yeah it does. 'slay omg such a pretty voice' yesyes! maria chaikovskaya is the icon! im glad you liked her TT her songs are so comforting tbh TT

<3 im glad you find comfort in her

'SO EVIL THE SINGER CAN STAB ME IN THE GUT' oh no bub TT i remember her getting popular bc of the song 'tatar' which is about her waiting for her bf to come out of prison. and tbh at least most? of her songs have the dark vibe. but the singer is cutie.

T_T i hope her bf isnt a murderer

'about killing people who caused you pain' JHFJKF not really? more about comforting your beloved one. and rn the line 'ill kill everyone who dared to tough you' was sung.... this very piece isnt a real song. its a snippet(?) that gone REALLY viral year or 2 ago in tiktok. and only after that the singer made the complete song. but yeah it basically more about comfort and protection(?) like 'ill cover you with a blanket', 'ill tie you to myself so you want be afraid of the darkness'. 'is it too slow' idk its too slow and too running in the same time? ive mixed feelings.

get that clout get that full song version get those royalties. slay. their album art is T_T dark but fitting. i love vivid songs like this T_T slayyy T_T

'i will 100 be listening to it agin' 🥺🥺 im glad you like it.

i like you

im proud of the creator. she does a lot of things and is really talented.

im glad you found her and you showed her playlist to me

'i’ll look for the translation' have you found it? i didnt, ig bc the singer isnt really popular.

im too lazy rn AHHA

'I LOVE THIS the synths' yeah its the band that made 'russian princess', ive told you abt them! theyve got pretty vibe-y? songs.

i thought of this song! im not sure if it was listening to this one but i thought of it

'im so upset' im also upset w/this song TT i hate it sm. the lyrics, the rap part, the vibe. its unbearable TT

lol HAAHAHAHAHAHA deserve

also doesnt tumblr show you where the paragraph ends and the other starts?..

NO I THOUGHT YOU KNEW I JUST WING IT HAHAAHH

'ONLY WENT THROUGH IT BECAUSE I FELT BAD' ?? like? i dont understand you like it or you just feel guilty TT

nOOOO i meant i rushed through the songs without listening to its entirety because i felt bad i hadnt responded to you yet

'Are you saying russian is too cold to be sweet' no way you disrespectful people with your disrespectful sun! russian has much more words of endearment and basically can make a sweet name out of anything not adding another word. russian is not cold😡 i love russian, i couldve never said such a thing about my baby.

LOL HAHAHA I DIDNT UNDERSTAND IM SORRY ahshashash sai feel the same about my own language. im glad you feel that about your native tongue <3 deserve

yk even the anthem of my native area(?) says 'warm hearts of the northern people'. i was talking abt the foreign phrases writers use.

deserve i give you my warmth too <3 writers are dumb

also idk why im telling this but yk what? i want too. bc it causes me distress. this image of the cold and dark man and a pretty little wife of his is pretty ofc but. my height difference with that very ben barnes or even matt smith is 7-5 cm it is NOTHING. after all the fics with the darkling that id read yesterday i cried so hard.

do you know her? gwendoline cristie. she is my soulmate (because i love her also her bday is 2 days after mine!!! and she also shares a bday with matt smith AHAHH MY SOULMATES) anyway. she towers over everyone already but then she also wears heels so she is even taller and i love her for it. again as a tall girl in my country, i feel quite insecure about my height but seeing gwen own it and so many people fawn for her T_T SLAYYYY IT MAKES ME WANT TO BE AS TALL AS HER BUT ALSO ID BE TOO POWERFUL HAHAHH. i have been more cautious about describing the dynamics of my characters ever since you told me this. i hope that counts for something

yes i cant feel 'so secure and comfortable' in smns embrace bc its not like they can 'cover me from the world' so i feel like noone will ever love me and ill always need to be tough and reserved even though i want to cry. this fucking height theme kills me.

go ahead and cry. i dont mean this sarcastically. let your feeling out because it can be frustrating for real. but what would you feel if i told you that i think the same thing about me? if i told you no one would ever like me because of how i look?

please dont be hard on yourself. its a like to say looks/physical appearance dont matter. they do. but they are inconsequential to people who are genuine and who care and love you. i care and love you. i dont ever want you to feel bad because of the way you look. you're too precious for that. its ok. i see you. i know you could easily meet these men eye to eye. you are beautiful. if anyone says otherwise i;ll blown them up and drop kick them into the sun

'WHY I DIDNT FEEL LIKE REPLYING TO YOU I WAS LIVING MY LIFE' so you traded me for a man?... so some dick is more valuable than your own cat?.. yk its the betrayal.

T_T im sorry. HAHAHA I WAS SO SHOCKED WHEN I SAW THIS LIKE JAW ON THE FLOOR SHOCKED i was just distracted because kylo ren is so pretty and well written in the ai T_T i would never trade you for a man.

'my head hurts cos of the heat' freezy hugs yet im still offended.

T_T thank you.

'I FEEL LIKE IM WASTING WATER' lol say it when youre burnt to bones💀

T_T I CANT HELP I FEEL THIS WAY.

'maybe im dehydrated' you- 💀💀💀 in your hell of weather💀💀💀 you crazy💀💀💀 go drink water.

<3 i am i pee so much but im still thirsty

im glad to share some music! actually i liked explaining the songs.

<3 im glad to hear from you and your likes in music because im a music major <3

what about you? do you want to share smth?

im here again. finally T_T this is where tumblr crashed FUCK YOU TUMBLR. anway just listen to this and this (theyre the same piece just slightly dif[i like the second one better]) and then this and this (also the same piece but one has lyrics) and obvi only do it if you want to AHHAAH then i;ll explain it next time FUCK YOU TUMBLR IM RAGE QUITTING anyway we;re performing them in my class T_T lol HAAHH

anyway, good luck with that PRICK of yours. good luck you LoVeBiRdS. take care<з

T_T i was gonna ask you to read my kylo ren fic but i wont. youre so salty and petty HAHHAHAAAAH. T_T i love you baby i hope you enjoyed your day take care <3

arabella,

im so unmotivated to manifest anything , i bave been 'trying' or mkstly over consuming info since may but i cant seem to sit my ass doen snd do the work..mostly bc every now an then i always have a problem that worries me firstly it was the sc thingy like how do wr manifest our desires with it? like what do i think of them? do i just affirm normally my sc affd and when i think of my desire affirm sc? which thats what i understood but its that when i think of my desire an undesired image pops up for example ill manifest hairless body but i think of it the way it is now yk? so is that ok? like can i just continue affirming normally the way i would for the desire specifically for example i think of this undesired image and just affirm the sc affs instead?

second, just the other anons i have guilt abt manifesting a lot of stuff and beauty ESPECIALLY bc if i start getting compliments after manifesting it will make me wonder was i that ugly that i didnt get compliments and i do now that i kinda changed my face ? and like i rlly wanna be naturally pretty without any need for manifestation.. and when i was younger i did get compliments but it might have been bc i was a kid but even if i was pretty i want to be like pretty pretty not just pretty yk? and now that i want to change myself is like admitting to myself that yeah ur not all that..

and u have answered bfr to other anons that they changrd their assumption thats why which yes it made me feel so much better bc its my assumptions not my fault but what if i was getting the compliments was bc i was a kid ? bc personally i dont think i was that pretty like more like average beauty and i still have this that next to others i look like im just there yk? and i dont want to be like that naturally.. and even if i am pretty why do ppl not find me attractive and some of my friends dont suplort me at some stuff considering beauty and i have wasted this insecurity trauma for nothing like i gained another trauma for no reason yk?://.. dont get my wrong i still get compliments but they are like from my mom/relatives and one friend.. and no guys and other ppl and literally anyone i

and then the other problem was that i felt disconected from reality for abt 4 years bc of depression and i was waiting for an outer source to kinda wake me up , like i felt that i was sleeping yhe whole time even ppl would tell me to wake up bc i was rhat disconnected..

and another one was that bc of my depression i didnt do shit , i wasnt talking, didnt find any interests and before that when i was young i had a life and all that and through all this depressiom process i lost myself and dont know what i like anymore and i feel like i have lost most of my teen years for nothing ( since 13 till 16 ( now ) )

i hope u understood something and it wasnf that long and tiring for u to read, bc im not that good at explaing stuff, i just want to get rid of these problems and finally do my work bc i am EXCAUSTEDDD

and thank u for the time :)

see baby, first you need to work on your sc, just assume and think you get your manifestations the moment you want them. that's it. you don't have to overcomplicate shit. your negative thoughts are not powerful enough to ruin your manifestations. you're god and you make your own rules, that's it. you don't have to feel guilty about manifesting anything. you've been manifesting your whole life. you've manifested the wanted and even the unwanted. so why not change it for the better and not feel guilty about having your desires. cus first, you already have them. second you'll just be wasting your time thinking about the guilt and it won't help you, will it? your insecurities don't possess any power unless you give them. and now that you know you can change your whole life just by thinking and persisting in that thought, then why would you become a slave to your negativity?

its so upsetting when youre trying to do something nice for someone and they arent letting you even tho if they did it would make you so incredibly happy 

10, 11, 20

10. what do you wish you hated, but actually like? going thru those weeks where u get obsessed w one videogame and its all you think abt and u have the urge to play it every day for like 6+hours lol. i dont do it bc i have work etc but i will waste entire weekends like that sometimes...its literally a guilty pleasure lol.

11. vague about your crush(es) i still dont know if it counts as a crush or a vague if uve been in a relationship w them for over 2 years now. anw lol i love him really deeply, he is a wonderful man and a lovely person to share my life with. its gotten to the point where i seriously think abt moving together as soon as its doable but i know itll be a while until one of us can move across the continent and thats always a little sad. this isnt even a vague anymore im just talking abt my love life im sorry. hes really good tho. wuv he...

20. do you believe in god(s)? no. im really very. unspiritual and unreligious. i think my view of the world in terms of...higher powers or spiritual mystery is really sterile lol...things make more sense to me when they are like...really super mundane. i know those arent exactly opposites but they feel very different to me. so no lol

ive been trying to keep it to myself but i cant take it anymore i have to vent sorry guys. negativity ahead.

so this monday mom and i have had a session w my psychologist, and we continued talking abt things we did last time, which is my problems w studying and how it affected me and my family

the thing is ive always had problems w studying, but my parents helped me a lot during elementary and middle school and i was always at the top of my class. then in highschool, we had a deal that i would study and do everything on my own.

only that worked out horribly and, no matter how hard i tried and told myself i could do it, i still had as much problems studying as i had before. my grades dropped and i was amongst the worst students in class and almost failed a few subjects.

my mom... didnt take that very well. we always argued, even before, because both of us are easily riled up, but it reached new levels. we would shout at each other and it was horrible. she would tell me i was lazy, i wasnt trying hard enough, i was wasting my potential, compared me to my classmates and friends from elementary/middle school, and it. really angered me and hurt me. because i knew i was trying, and i knew that i was different from them.

but what hurt me the most was that. i told her my problems multiple times, and i felt like she put fingers in her ears and didnt listen to me at all, only to say the things she said to me anyways.

she kept telling me those were all the usual teenage problems and that everyone else was dealing with the same things, and that they all just sucked it up and got over it.

and that ended up in me thinking i was stupid. because obviously thats what i was? i couldnt learn one lesson in weeks and some people did it in hours? and because obviously they had a hard time focusing too because thats completely normal, they just werent lazy or complaining like i was.

and the fact that i was feeling worse and worse every day until i started planning out ways i could commit suicide was also normal. because its just a part of teen angst, and everyone else felt like that. everyone else felt relieved when they scratched things like 'stupid' 'bitch' and 'i hate you/myself' on their arms and thighs. because everyone had passed through a phase when the only things they could feel were sadness or anger, and everyone else fought tears in the bus on their return home from school.

everyone else had to remind themselves they were happy and not depressed because they cant be depressed if they have a home and a family and were safe

i convinced myself that all of this was completely normal. its just how life worked, and i was a stupid, spoiled, lazy brat who just liked complaining and doing things i enjoy.

and tbh i still feel like this. like none of my feelings are valid, bc im just too sensitive and this is all perfectly normal.

anyways, we were talking abt my feelings and the entire situation this monday in much more depth and i cried and idk when was the last time i felt that upset and i had no idea it still hurt just as much as it did then. and it hurts because this is the first time my mom completely believed in all ive been telling her, over and over, all those years. but i also feel guilty for ever mentioning any of this

because mom finally believed me and i can see how upset she is that she didnt believe me and how she handled it all. and the worst part is, because im not someone who cant lie easily, when my psychologist asked me whether or not there was something she could do to make me feel better about it now, i immediately said no. because there isnt. and i saw how it broke her, and on one hand i cant lie and i dont want to lie, because this is important to me, to get it all out, but its hurting her and i dont want to see her hurt

she, my dad and grandma are my everything and i hate the thought of anything hurting them, and now im being the one hurting mom and thats fucking me up so bad

shes been rly quiet and every conversation weve had since has been awkward i hate it so much i wanna go back and make these sessions unhappen

and i guess digging up that stuff made me dig up other stuff id like to forget from back then and i feel like its all piling up on me at once and like its pulling me back to that mindset from back then and i really dont want to go back to that

tim headcanons: fucking long ass edition im so sorry

again this is under a read more so @ mobile users....im sorry

What does their bedroom look like?

he shares a room with curly, so it looks like a tornado ripped through the room and only destroyed curly's half. his is nice and neat

Do they have any daily rituals?

this isnt really daily, but if he wakes up really early or comes home super later (like early hours of the morning) he'll most likely see his mom in the kitchen and they'll sit at the table and talk until someone else comes in. its the only time she acts like herself & not hanging off their stepdad and tim cherishes those times!!! but he never tells anyone abt their conversations

Do they exercise, and if so, what do they do? How often?

i can see him going to a gym every now and then, but mostly bc his buddy works there. they'd lift weights and goof around so hes not rlly into working out, he knows to stay fit tho

What would they do if they needed to make dinner but the kitchen was busy?

it depends on who was in the kitchen. if it was his stepdad he'd just leave the house and go out for dinner because he avoids him as much as he can. if it was angie he'd get her to make him something, but if it was his mom then he'd ask if shes eaten anything and would probably end up making somethin for the both of them

Cleanliness habits (personal, workspace, etc.)

hes SUPER organized. like with everything. it drives him insane that curly's such a slob

Eating habits and sample daily menu

for breakfast he usually just has coffee. but he gets fast food a lot (no one knows how he stays in such good shape) but if he doesnt go out to eat he'll just get food from his friends houses

Favorite way to waste time and feelings surrounding wasting time

he loves to play pool and card games!! he tries to avoid wasting time though, he always feels like theres something he could be doing to give his gang more power & respect

Favorite indulgence and feelings surrounding indulging

again i dont know what this means but every now and then he will indulge in a big ass chocolate milkshake and no one can stop him

Makeup?

just like curly he is all for makeup sex

Neuroses? Do they recognize them as such?

nope none

Intellectual pursuits?

he's actually really smart, and if he wanted to then he could have gone off to college. he's always loved leading his gang tho so that is his main priority

Favorite book genre?

the only thing he ever reads is the newspaper (their stepdad usually steals it after he reads it and they never see it again, so tim always makes sure to take the comic section out and save it for curly)

Sexual Orientation? And, regardless of own orientation, thoughts on sexual orientation in general?

hes straight but he doesnt really care about people sexual orientations. ya like who ya like and it doesnt affect him

Physical abnormalities? (Both visible and not, including injuries/disabilities, long-term illnesses, food-intolerances, etc.)

he has that big ass scar on his face, so there's that. hes also SLIGHTLY allergic to cat fur

Biggest and smallest short term goal?

biggest: buy a new leather jacket that DOESNT have rips in the sleeves smallest: get their house cleaned up bc all the beer bottles and broken glass on the floor is starting to give him a headache

Biggest and smallest long term goal?

biggest: officially lead the toughest gang in tulsa

smallest: get curly and angela through high school

Preferred mode of dress and rituals surrounding dress

basically just t-shirts and jeans. he rolls the sleeves of his shirts up and he keeps a comb in his back left pocket. he might be wearing a leather jacket, but he'll probably just have it slung over his shoulder

Favorite beverage?

coke

What do they think about before falling asleep at night?

his gang and how to make it better. it literally consumes his mind. he probably thinks abt curly too & if he'll ever be tough enough to be his second in command. tim really wants him to but deep down he knows that curly just isn't like him

Childhood illnesses? Any interesting stories behind them?

tim got REALLY sick when his dad took him fishing when he was young. he puked all into the lake and they ended up not catching any fish the whole weekend (which tims dad jokingly blamed on him) it was embarrassing at the time but eventually they were able to laugh it off

Turn-ons? Turn-offs?

turn ons: hickeys, confidence, tight jeans

turn offs: he hates clingy and it will definitely end up driving him away if a girl tries to lock him down

Given a blank piece of paper, a pencil, and nothing to do, what would happen?

a mean game of tic tac toe that probably incorporated gambling

How organized are they? How does this organization/disorganization manifest in their everyday life?

very organized!! its how hes so successful in leading his gang. he knows how to keep things in order and he plans things out

Is there one subject of study that they excel at? Or do they even care about intellectual pursuits at all?

he was very dedicated to graduating high school (mostly out of spite that no one thought he would do it) but he never really cared about his classes. he did what he had to do and then got out of there

How do they see themselves 5 years from today?

still a gang leader, hopefully more respected. (can we talk abt how tim sees himself as still living and curly has just kinda accepted that he probably wont be.,,...no.,,,,.....ok)

Do they have any plans for the future? Any contingency plans if things don’t workout?

once again his life revolves around his gang. he doesnt see it not working out, so he doesnt plan for anything else

What is their biggest regret?

he has two ok: one is not going on that last fishing trip with his dad. he'd gives almost anything to spend that one weekend with him again. the other is not being hard enough on curly and not toughening him up as much as he could have. he knows his brother is tough, but hes also got a soft side and tim hates it bc he knows it'll ruin his brother

Who do they see as their best friend?

his second in command, danny!!! theyve been friends since elementary school and hes the one guy tim can always fall back on

Their worst enemy?

the leader of the river kings most likely. they're his gangs biggest threat

Reaction to sudden extrapersonal disaster (eg The house is on fire! What do they do?)

he'd definitely be the one to fix the problem, even tho he most likely didnt cause it. he'd be calm about it though and just kinda move on

Reaction to sudden intrapersonal disaster (eg close family member suddenly dies)

if it were angela, curly, or his mom dying he'd lose it in anger. i dont see him as sulking or mourning over their death, he'd just get super angry and destructive

Most prized possession?

his dads old fishing hat !! he keeps it tucked away in his closet, but he never wears it

Thoughts on material possessions in general?

he doesnt care about them since he never really had them growing up

Concept of home and family?

tim is very family oriented and would do almost anything to protect them (except his stepdad, but tim doesnt consider him family. and half the time hes protecting his siblings and mom from their stepdad anyway)

Thoughts on privacy? (Are they a private person, or are they prone to ‘TMI’?)

VERY private. he doesnt share anything too personal bc he doesnt wanna give someone the power of having something to hold against him

What activities do they enjoy, but consider to be a waste of time?

he loves movies and could watch them all day, but he'd end up feeling too unproductive

What makes them feel guilty?

nothing he literally has 0 feelings

Are they more analytical or more emotional in their decision-making?

analytical by far !!! he likes to think of the long term effects on a decision

Would they consider themselves a Type A or Type B personality?

type a

What recharges them when they’re feeling drained?

relaxing with his friends. while he loves leading a gang he still likes to just chill w the guys like they did in high school. it reminds him of better times

Would you say that they have a superiority-complex? Inferiority-complex? Neither?

superiority complex for sure. in his eyes he is The Best

How misanthropic are they?

its not that he doesnt like humankind, its just the rich people. they look down on him so he does the same. he could get along easily with other greasers as long as theyre not in a gang and threatening his streets

Hobbies?

cards, pool, drinking

How far did they get in formal education? What are their views on formal education vs self-education?

he graduated high school! he values self education more though bc he's taught himself everything he needs to know to be successful

Religion?

atheist i guess. i dont think he believes in god but he also just doesnt think about it

Superstitions or views on the occult?

not superstitious at all

Do they express their thoughts through words or deeds?

deeds. words are pointless to him bc he knows most people will think he's just bluffing

If they were to fall in love, who (or what) is their ideal?

he would never.,,,...but i guess if he did it'd be with someone who could calm him down. in his eyes the whole world revolves around the gang, so they'd have to make him see that theres more to life than that. i can see him falling for someone innocent and kind and non judgemental. opposites attract u know

How do they express love?

very weird and awkward ways.....like he doesnt really know what hes doing (because he doesnt) he'd give mumbled compliments and hold your hand only if you're in private and try to take you somewhere nice but hes dressed too poorly and so people look at him and he gets annoyed and yall end up leaving but hey its the thought that counts right

If this person were to get into a fist fight, what is their fighting style like?

he fights very smoothly. he moves quickly and thats always his advantage

Is this person afraid of dying? Why or why not?

nope. he thinks he's invincible

(1/2)I'm prob one of the biggest Robron shippers, I've been following Aaron's sl since Jackson, and let me tell you smth: I HATE this. Not because they're not together, but because of how much he's suffering. A relationship shouldn't make you suffer. If he's not ok with the whole Bec and bby situation (completely understandable) to the point where he doesn't trust Robert and he's suffering like this, the relationship should be OVER.(cont)

Anon here! what I was saying is:I can’t believe is that Robert, knowing how Aaron was feeling would rather have him stay, have him suffer. He lies to him, hides info, ask him to forgive him but goes behind his back, and when Aaron can’t stay, when Aaron is trying to save himself, he make him feel guilty “oh, so you don’t love me anymore”? wtf. R is being so SELFISH. Loved their love story, but lately I hate their sl, needs to be over at least for now, it’s not cute, is cruel and toxic

hey!

yea i feel that rbron have been toxic their entire run and its a v dominant part to their relationship but this storyline is really bringing that side of them to the front. no one should have to keep a relationship or a person in their life that makes them hate themselves and even triggers them. aarons been saying for months that this person/rl makes him hate himself and even now robert just isn’t listening like he can’t even do that. 

i totally agree w on that i feel that if robert really did love aaron like he claims he does he would’ve let him go like its literally been killing them both for years. that guilt tripping stuff is such an ugly thing to do. there is supposed to be a balance of putting urself first and the person u love but robert rarely puts aaron first at all and aaron puts robert first waaayy too much. the guilt tripping thing isnt new, he has been doing it every time aaron comes close to breaking them up by saying “i love you”/”we both love each other lets not waste it”. he does another thing which is “i was doing it for u/our family” which he said during their first talk which is v ugly again. 

imo rbron need to be over for good. in like a general viewing perspective its stale and we all know the routine and its a constant recycling of robert does a bad thing which people somehow always find a way to make redeemable (cheating on aaron, forcing bex to get an abortion 2 times, lying abt money) aaron reacts then suffers and theyre on the rocks for a bit but robert tells him things abt love, the family, the future, getting him help etc and it starts again. the rl has been drowning the life out of both characters i mean im obvs not roberts biggest fan but rbron has really put both in a rut esp robert. he’s not clever or cunning anymore he’s just pathetic and like wet scrambled egg. another dangerous thing is that the way this is playing out and if it becomes a “love conquers all and can overcome anything” type thing bc that sends a dangerous message out to people and audiences that do listen and are influenced.

and in my own eyes robron is completely unsalvageable like whats left for them??? no matter how many good things robert does it’ll never undo the damage and the memory of the bad things. where is the need for them to get back together like it’ll add nothing to the show and aaron deserves better than to be treated like shit time and again and only receive a weak apology, blame placed on him and a shitty i love u.

for the anon that wanted all 100

1. Name- Ash! 2. Age- 18 3. City that you live in- fear, usually 4. What do most people not know about you?- nothing really, i compulsively release useless information about myself 5. What do most people know you for?- being fat and annoying 6. Hobbies- makeup, youtubers, sleeping, writing, drawing 7. What are your passions?- writing 8. What do you search for in a significant other?- i really Really need to be understood, and someone who is patient is nice too 7. What are you most proud of?- I hav gone to State and gotten within the top 10% in my Journalism competitions, which puts me in the top .08% of all high school students in my state. :-) im good for some things 8. When was the last time you had a significant conversation with someone you love?- every day when I talk to @pizzasteveofficial <3 all our conversations are significant 2 me 9. Have you ever collected anything? What was it?- I collect my tears in a jar and store them, then shower in them every night 10. List 10 things off of your bucket list.- I want to get married in the snow, have a daughter, get a Heartagram tattoo (at least one lol), write a successful book, and.. idk what else :0 11. What was the last thing you learned?- jesus I dont know, you learn sth new every day! hard to remember 12. How many relationships have you been in?- um.. 7 I think i feel like im forgetting one tho. I wont name them obvi but i think im forgetting one? i feel like ive been in 8 oh well 13. Turn ons- validation 14. Turn offs- being alive 15. Favorite food- frozen yogurt! I like the vanilla or white chocolate flavor with looots of toppings 16. Favorite drink- Coke 17. What is the best birthday gift you have ever received?- i dont really know! I dont remember a lot of my birthdays for trauma reasons so  18. Are you optimistic or pessimistic?- pessimistic by far lol 19. Do you sleep during class?- its happened a handful of times, I try not to bc I HATE missing work its annoying 20. What is the most expensive thing you own?- myself?? jk its my laptop 21. What is the cheapest yet most useful thing you own?- a 1 dollar ELF blending brush. yall those things are bomb please go buy some! 22. How many times a day on average do you check your phone?- that number does not exist holy shit  23. Text or call?- TEXT BLEASE I HAVE SUCH BAD HEARING 24. Opinion on long distance?- it can work! ive done it a lot of times. distance has never been whats broken a relationship for me, not directly anyway 25. What is your definition of success?- success is when you’re happy. you do not have many worries, not the kind that keep you awake at night or make your tummy sick anyway. You have people that love you and, if you died, you’d be remembered as a good bean 26. Favorite song?- right now im really diggin “Hate (I Really Dont Like You)” by the plain white Ts 27. Favorite artist?- HIM!!!!!!!!!!!! <3 28. Celebrity crush/crushes?- Ville Valo ALWAYS lmao hes my god 29. When was the last time you read for fun?- like last month 30. Favorite flower?- roses 31. What is the best gift you could receive right now?- a plane ticket to Connecticut and like 1000 dollars 32. Any guilty pleasures?- pop... music... BUT LIKE THE GOOD KIND U FEEL? I DONT LIKE STUFF FROM THE LAST 2 OR 3 YEARs...  33. What is one thing you would like to change about yourself?- my weight, and that sounds so shallow but it. is taking a toll on me. 34. What do you search for in a friend?- someone who is like me! 35. How many times have you said "I love you" in the past month?- not enough 36. Where did you last go other than your room/home?- school.. 37. Why do bad things happen to good people?- because life isnt fair 38. In your opinion, what hurts more? Being left out or being stabbed in the eye?- what the fuck being stabbed in the eye have you ever been stabbed in the fucking eye? because i havent and i can already tell you that if my friends were talking without me and then someone stabbed me in the fuCKING EYE I WOULD BE JUST A LITTLE BIT MORE PREOCCUPIED WITH BEING STABBED IN THE E Y E  39. How many green shirts do you own?- none lol 40. Do you like anime?- sure! I dont watch it rn but i dont watch anything rn, haha 41. What do you invest the most time in?- sleeping,, 42. What was the name of the last book you read?- Rebecca :3 very gud book 43. What's the difference between loving and liking someone?- when ur main squeeze gets a hair cut and u still wanna suck their dingus u love em, thats it sorry i dont make the rules 44. Where are you most productive?- i dont.. know what this is asking lol I’m most protective over my romantic partners. As much as I’d love to say im most protective over Sarah, nothing compares to how “troll guarding his treasure” i am w/my loves.......... *eyes @my crush* 45. List 3 things you enjoy doing with friends.- talking shit abt rude ppl, playing vidya gaem, and talking abt life 46. List 3 things you enjoy doing alone.- watching makeup tutorials, watching lets plays, and thinking about everything and anything 47. Do you believe world peace will ever exist?- absolutely not. theres too many people on the earth to achieve that 48. Do you have any allergies?- Not to anything specific but i get them really often seasonally. i get them pretty much every time the weather changes :( 49. When was the last time you cussed at someone?- i mean.. every day of my life so like 50. What was the last promise you made?- idek dude 51. What was your last dream about?- IT WAS SO WEIRD IT WAS ABOUT MY CRUSH’S MOM? I DREAMT THAT SHE WAS A DEMON WHO STORED HER EGGS IN LITTLE PORCELAIN JARS AND THAT MY CRUSH HAD AN EAR INFECTION AND WE WERE IN A SNOWY VILLAGE IDK DONT ASK ME its weird bc my crushs mom is so sweet... 52. If you won a trip to Hawaii and you could take 5 people with you, who would those 5 people be?- i would literally only take Sarah bc i hate everyone 53. How many countries have you visited?- ive never been outside the US 54. What is your favorite medium of art? (Music, dance, painting, etc.)- writing :-) 56. When was the last time somebody complimented you?- those nice anons i got yesterday/the other day! 56. If you switched bodies with someone, how would you recognize yourself?- what do u even mean? youd know bc youd be like THIS ISNT MY BODY 57. Do you consider yourself mature?- kind of, yes 58. How many days in your life do you think you have wasted on tumblr?- too fuckin many 59. What is your favorite quote?- “Worship Satan!” -Ville Valo (no but rly any HIM lyric is my favorite quote, theyre so beautiful,,,) 60. If you started a new religion and you had to create 3 rules or commandments for your new followers to live by, what would those 3 rules be?- dont hurt ppl unless they hurt u, dont touch ppl unless they want u to, and respect gender/sexuality 61. What is your greatest accomplishment?- going 2 state! 62. Do you believe in the death penalty?- yeah i actually think it should b used more lol, kill all rapists and p*dophiles :-) 63. What are your goals for life?- i just wanna b happy, man 64. What do you think your soulmate is doing right now?- being a fucking idiot, probably 65. If you could live anywhere, where would you live? The place can be in an imaginary, fantasy, or the real world.- CALIFORNIA LMAO IM SUCH A SUCKER FOR CALIFORNIA AND I NEVER EVEN BEEN THERE 66. What were you like in 2013?- awful but also really sweet... then again i wasnt TECHNICALLY the host so lol  67. Do you have a job?- no :( i cant drive 68. Tell us a story about your childhood best friend.- she was an abusive bitch who took out her parents hating her on me the end 69. If you could change one thing about society, what would it be?- i would make discrimination a way more serious crime than it is taken for rn. ppl who discriminate should b put in jail 70. How many all-nighters have you pulled before?- just one when i had to install the sims and it took 6 years 71. Is tumblr your favorite website? If not, then what is your favorite website?- my fave website is youtube 72. What is the craziest thing you would do for a million dollars?- suck a dick, i guess 73. Does money equal happiness?- not all the time but it sure can 74. How many times have you experienced true happiness in your lifetime?- never, i dont think 75. How many times have you experienced true sadness in your lifetime?- too many times 76. What is the funniest joke you have ever been told?- you know that joke abt the blind man at the beginning of Crazy Rap? yeah thats fucking HILARIOUS  77. When was the last time you looked at the news?- this morn :0 78. If you could say one thing to the world, what would you say?- im gay 79. What is your favorite animal?- RACCOONS!!!!!!!!!!!! 80. If you could earn a million dollars by pretending to be dead for 3 years, would you do it?- i mean sure lmao nobody would b upset about it so 81. What is one thing that everyone is bad at?- being a human. 82. What time do you normally sleep? How many hours of sleep do you usually get?- i usually go to bed at 10 and get like 6 or 7 hours 83. Does age necessarily equal maturity?- not at all! 84. What is your favorite clothing store?- hot topic lol 85. In the winter- beanies or gloves?- gloves b 86. Would you rather have wings or a fish tail?- wings?? why would i want a fish tail 87. If you had the power to erase one person from the world so that nobody remembered him or her except you, would you do it?- absofuckinglutely.  88. What do you fear the most?- being like my rapist. thats a little too deep than i like to go but im being honest, thats literally my biggest fear Ever 89. How many digits of pi can you recite?- 3.14 lmfao i hate math 90. If you could travel back to one year and relive it again, which year would it be?- 2004. I would stop it before it happened. :-( 91. Describe yourself in one word.- stupid 92. Describe your last victory.- i woke up today w/o killin meself 93. What is the weirdest thing you have ever seen?- bendytoots cucumberpitch’s face 94. What is something you will never forget?- prom.. something rly nice happened 95. Would you rather forget all of the past or remember everything in vivid detail?- forget everything. please 96. Have you ever broken a bone before?- nope! 97. Is it harder to love or to hate somebody?- probably harder to love them lol 98. Coffee or tea?- coffer 99. What are some little things that you do that have changed your life in a positive way?- I dont overdose on a constant basis in a BPD-fueled rage any more so thats good 100. How many hours have you spend on tumblr today?- probably 1 or 2?

also my version fo a week and others versions of a week are extremely different, i count inactive blogs as blogs gone a year or so. Activity level I base on hours, so a week in my time is not like seven days, that can be up to a month for some people like there was a perior i could only come on an hour a day like twice a week, so for that I take into account multitudes of things and that ‘week’ could easily mean like two months if not more

walking on my own or shopping on my own or just being in a class and my friends not being there yet makes me so anxious and most times im kinda getting that dizzy feeling? and i feel like im gonna have a panic attack 

plus it’s exam period and im sooo anxious over a class THATS NOT EVEN THAT IMPORTANT and over what MIGHT happen the next week (what worries me most is that manipulative “friend” of mine)

it’s funny though bc im here compaining

yet when i was seeing a therapist i was like !!!!omg everything’s great and i love everyone idek why im here tbh!!!!! and i was feeling super guilty bc theyre expensive as well so i just... im not seeing her anymore, she was my only hope and i threw it away lol!!!!

anyway the point is i think ALL of these things and many more are holding me back in so many ways, are holdin me back from living like a normal person??? i dont even know who i am anymore bc i didn’t use to be like this!!!!!! especially before meeting that person i mean,theyve ruined me lol!!!!!!!! and its stupid bc im an adult and im supposed to be able to do things on my own and be successful at what i do bc as a student i was the bEST and ambitious and promising and all and now im just. lol.i cant even focus on a text paragraph for more than a minute. and i wanna study abroad next year and idk what ill do if i cant talk to people or do things on my own????lol??? im just throwing away opportunities and my future im LOving it. and as if all of these werent enough lately ive been having some bad dreams of something bad that happened a few years ago and i have NO FUCKING IDEA WHY and i shouldnt be having these dreams and theyre making me upset and theyre making me cry. maybe i should see a counselor at uni if things get really bad again but im not sure???? what if i cant talk??? ill just waste another opportunity to actually talk abt my feelings. sigh. im just wasting away my life.

ANYWAY now that im. Free from onlookers lol. I ALMOST tried to kill myself last night ! Like i rlly did i had my pills counted out and i was so ready. I didnt go through with it because i wasnt sure i had enough pills to get the job done, and then i did some research and evidently seratonen overdose is like. A slow expensive death so ill wait until i get ahold of like some cyanide ?? Or maybe ill just crash my car. Anyway its ok is the point ! Bc everyone i love will be happier when im gone. Like.... a weight lifted. I dont want to kill myself bc my life is terrible.... im gonna kill myself because i dont deserve what i have. And i never will. And i cant.... fix myself, or grow, so i need to die. Like. Its a logical decision ive made. My best friends would be better off putting that energy into some people who have the capacity to earn it. Its like... if u have a tomato plant that is rotten and it wont make any tomatoes and u KEEP watering it and u give it pretty fertilizer and lay it in the sun and it STILL wont make any tomatoes, then you up root it and throw it away. No one will uproot me, so i have to do it myself. I know my dad will think its very selfish for me to make that decision for the gardeners, but i dont want to be rotten anymore, and they should help the other plants.

Also ive thought a lot abt what will happen when im gone. Maybe the school will give me a little memorial, and talk abt my funny outfits and the art i made. Thats probably all they will say though. Most folks wont remember who i was, and thats ok. My mom will be heartbroken, but i will make sure she doesnt blame herself. Ill leave it in a very important note for her. My sister wont know how to react. I wont die gory, and i will say sonething to her too in a letter, so she can move on w out guilt. Theres no way my brother will feel guilty, but it might hurt his heart a little when he doesnt have someone to bother at one am, but He can just bother jenna instead, and theyll bond more :). Morgan jones will cry a lot. And she will not know what to do for a bit, and she will mourn a lot, but she has haley and marly and her puppy and is the most outgoing and bubbly human being and she will thrive without my weeds. I dont know how myla will react, but she will have kylie and lynn and finny and it wont rlly make much difference. Madi would..... I dont know actually. I think she will be fine, but maybe not at first. She has greyson and echo and finny and natalie. And she is so brilliant and so loved, my loss wont be so burdensome. And again, once im gone, theres less negative pull. These people will have a small dip in a temporary sorrow, and then they will rise higher than before. I dont know how finny will react. I love him so much, i dont think he would cry for me though. Maybe be a little irritated l went through with it after all the trouble ive put him through. I think he has enough shit to worry abt, when i die it will be. Unfortunate, but easy to come back from. I wouldnt be able to bother him sm anymore, and he could talk to people who are actually worth his time. Madi could put more energy into the friends shes too busy to see. Morgan would have the push to meet some new people and finally kiss someone. Myla would never have to hear me complain again.

It will be better, essentially. I wont have to waste all this energy and love and care. I wont have to hurt and feel useless and burdensome. And even if i have to die slowly, or painfully, then thats okay too. Bc then i wont be anyones problem. The painful death will make up for like. The pain ive caused others lol. As long as i dont fuck my suicide up,,,,,. If i mess up things will be so much worse. Thats why its so important i research first. If i mess up, and they save me, i have to confront everyone and theyll hurt, and ill be pursecuted. If i die, then its over. And i wont have to know if anyone is mad at me.

Hey Kaiden, lately I've been dealing with being really embarrassed and almost guilty of my existence. Im scared bc last time this happened it got bad; I felt guilty for being alive, taking up space... honestly just doing anything... and ended up wanting to kill myself. I don't want to get to that point again, but I don't really know how to deal with this and reaching out for help is very very difficult right now (honestly just sending this message is making me feel kinda guilty). Help?

hey friend!! first off xkit says i got this on january 8th but i literally just saw this oh myg do and if that’s the case im so so sorry?? i was not ignoring you, i didn’t see it at all!!

howdy!! i’m really sorry to hear you’re in this situation. i know how rough being suicidal can be too and i understand completely. i also totally understand the feelings you’re having bc i really really often can feel guilty for...literally anything if im feeling shitty enough. i almost sent a really long apology to my mom last night because i forgot to eat some leftovers for breakfast after she suggested that i could eat them. so i completely understna dhahah...also!!! i am so happy that you chose to send this message!!!! honestly and truly!! i know how hard it can be to reach out to someone and i am so so happy you chose to do so

so my actual advice! i think some of the root thoughts that lead to these guilty feelings could be u thinking that u don’t deserve to live, u aren’t good enough for some people/things/life, stuff like that - but that’s just sorta how it relates to me so if that isn’t 100% what you’re feeling that’s ok! regardless, i wanna stress that you are worthy of being alive! the space you are taking up on this earth is blessed to have you there, and one of the best things you could do right now is surround yourself with people who make you believe that. the people you associate yourself with can really make or break a bad spell. whoa. spell. not like. a wizard’s spell. a bad spell hahaha. a bad time. sorry i am heavily tired!!! i know what really helps me when im feeling down is asking clsoe friends for reaffirmations BUT!! i know how hard that is, especially right now, so if you’re not there yet, don’t  worry about it.

and the really cool thing about you being familiar with these thoughts and you dealing with this before is....you have dealt with this, and you got out alive, which means you can do it again!! and you can do it even BETTER!!! think about what got you out of that, what little tiny teeny things helped you when you were feeling so down. that especially applies to suicidal thoughts. and if you find yourself getting really suicidal again, my inbox is always open, i’m sure friends wouldn’t mind helping you although i know that’s harder so if you’d prefer to anonymously contact someone that would be wonderful too! and i would love to be that person if you need me!!!

you’re allowed to take up space. you’re allowed to exist. you can like whatever you want, you can pamper yourself, you can eat whatever you wanna, you can sing and dance and do whatever u want to...and your friends don’t mind if you keep asking them to repeat themselves bc you can’t hear, they don’t mind you always asking to hang out bc they Love hanging out with u, they don’t think you’re a waste of space at all

if this is disjointed its bc i literally was just abt to go to sleep hahaha im so tired. feel free to send me more messages if you want to. i’m rooting for you, and i care for you so much !!!!