#wow now i hate nancy even more like what an overly critical bitch#it's not even bad jfc#wtf was her point other than stomping down on steve and constantly saying how stupid he is#god i hate that cheating bitch who thinks she's so much better and smarter than everyone#stranger things (via @captaincoffeegirl515)

So I get you're mad, but also, this isn't cool. Hating on characters in tags of posts that you didn't make isn't cool. Hating on Nancy isn't cool, either. Fandom isn't and shouldn't be about hate. If fandom is making you angry enough to spew vitriol like this, you may need to step back and take a breather.

If you actually watch the scene this is about, she isn't calling Steve stupid. She doesn't make fun of him, she doesn't even tell him it's bad. He assumes, from her face as she reads, that she thinks it's bad, that she thinks he's bad at writing. Even if he was (which that essay argues he isn't, and I don't think he is), and even if she did (which I don't think she does), she does not say so. In fact she's only encouraging wrt to the paper itself.

Before Nancy even says anything at all, Steve says "It's crap, I know" and Nancy's immediate reaction is to say "No, it's not crap!" Steve then insists "It's not good," and Nancy's response is an affectionate smile and "It's going to be! It just needs some reorganizing." She's not even talking about editing the writing itself or the concepts! She gently asks if she can mark on his paper - respecting that he might not want her to help that directly even after he's clearly asked her to look at it, which is loads better than some commenters I've seen on AO3 these days - and he agrees.

And the thing is? She's being kind about the editing she does do! Literally the first thing she does is tell him she sees the metaphor he's using (acknowledging that she knows he understands metaphor enough to create his own from scratch) and tells him it's a great metaphor. When she does point out something that needs addressing, she doesn't tell him "you did this wrong" she tells him "I don't see how they're connected." Do you know what that is? That's straight up gentle help. That's "you have connected these, I am not saying they are not connected, I am just saying I don't see the connection." I don't do a lot of editing but I've had a lot of editing done at me, and this language is so kind. It does not invalidate the thing the writer is trying to do, it just tells them that if they want to make that point, they have to elaborate to make it clearer to people who aren't inside their head with them. That's a perfectly valid critique and she is giving it to him very softly.

He then explains the point and she turns back to the paper to start rereading when he interrupts to ask if he should start from scratch and she immediately tells him no. She asks about the deadline, he tells her it's tomorrow (for early acceptance, which means Steve is trying to get this in early but also that he's waited until the last second for that), and then he asks if she can come over and help him with it (which a) is him forgetting they already have plans and b) is asking her to give up her plans to do work with him on short notice when he probably had time before this he could have asked. I say this to make it clear that her reaction isn't out of the blue or unjustified).

Nancy, who is still torn up over her best friend being brutally murdered on her watch while she was right there after brushing Barb off, and who still feels horribly guilty about having to lie to Barb's parents about it all, says no, remember they have dinner with Barb's parents that they already bailed on last week- ie, Nancy doesn't want to brush off Barb's parents again when brushing off Barb is what got Barb killed. She even tells Steve "You don't have to go" and suggests he work on the paper instead, giving him an easy out. And he grabs the paper and crumples it and does the thing that raises my hackles saying what's the point and acting like trying won't matter and he may as well give up on it because it wasn't instantly perfect the first time.

The point of contention in this scene is NOT that Nancy is telling him he's stupid, it's NOT that she thinks his paper is crap. The point of contention is that Steve desperately wants life to move forward away from the terrible thing that happened to them, and Nancy cannot walk away from the past that left her so damaged. He wants to focus on a paper to get him into a college (I like to think it's the one she wants to go to, so they can stay together, but that's just a theory), and she wants to go wallow in a sad dinner with the grieving parents of her dead best friend. That is the argument. It has nothing to do with his paper except that the paper is a device to show he's trying to move forward and the dinner is showing that she's stuck in the past.

This also isn't Nancy thinking she's better or smarter than anyone. This is Steve being faced with having to care about schoolwork because for maybe the first time in his life the result of his written work matters to him and he's very easily frustrated by not being immediately successful, and Nancy being so wrecked by the trauma she went through that she's barely keeping her own head above water, such that she cannot help him the way he needs despite wanting to. This isn't anyone treating anyone badly out of malice or being a bad person; this is incompatibility rearing its head and getting ready to bare its teeth. This is their trauma responses butting heads. This is the first whisper of how much they don't and can't fit right now. It is the first sign that they aren't going to stay together.

I don't doubt that they love each other. It's not even a question to me. But despite the idea sold to so many people in story and song, love isn't enough. It can't be the only thing. You can love someone to the moon and back but if you don't fit, you don't fit- and trying to carve yourself into the right shape will do far more harm than good. And that's what we'll see them realize, later, and that's why they split apart. Not malice, not meanness, not even apathy. They care so much in opposite directions that they're liable to tear each other apart trying to stay together, and instead of forcing it to break them the way he did in season 1, Steve will end up letting go this time. And personally, I think that's an awesome display of character growth.

🔥 anything about sirius because i am being a little hater towards some characterisations too

i've already talked your ears off about this on discord but i'm happy to talk to about it again bc i fucking HATE new sirius black with a burning passion. i hate him as much as i love my sirius black that marauderstok can pry from my cold dead hands bc i'm not letting him go. i don't know when it happened and why but marauders fans are particularly persistent on taking away any interesting traits sirius had and leaving behind a whimpering pathetic twink that cries when someone looks at him the wrong way. sirius has been scrubbed clean of any morally grey traits he might've had (he's not allowed to care for his family (unless it's regulus) or long for them bc they are bad, he's not allowed to have any prejudices even though he was literally raised with pureblood mentality and taught he was superior to everyone else from the day he was born, he's not allowed to be an asshole bc he's not like his family guys!! and when he is an asshole it's always used to victimize the character he's being an asshole to and sirius is painted as the villain with mommy issues that can only be fixed by getting dicked down apparently)

i cannot stress this enough: LET THIS MAN BE A COMPLEX CHARACTER!! and no, giving him mental illnesses that miraculously disappear when he gets together with remus and making him attempt to kill himself post prank because he feels bad is NOT making him complex! you're just weird. you're just romanticizing mental illnesses and i can't believe you don't see anything wrong with it. giving him bipolar to justify his actions is?? not??? representation??? it's offensive to people who actually have to deal with these issues in their day to day lives and yet here you are using something that will impact their life forever as a plot device for your uwu sadboy mlm fanfic.

and that's what new sirius boils down to. he's a plot device, an accessory to everyone else's story that's never given much depth other than "oh his mom used the cruciatus on him and now he's traumatized". no hate to jegulus but hate to specific jegulus fics that turn sirius into an overdramatic caricature of his former self for the sake of drama and angst.

also, some of these wolfstar shippers... wtf are you guys on?? idk when and why (that's a lie i do but i'm not gonna say it) remus became sirius black in a werewolf costume but here we are. oh sirius was cool and effortlessly smart and handsome and girls wanted him? well guess what? snatches all of those character traits and throws them onto remus they're his character traits now. ignore how it doesn't make any sense for the werewolf child who was isolated from the rest of the world to be a smooth talking alpha casanova who plays basketball actually. while we're at it, ignore how unrealistic it is for a boy who was raised in a family that believed they were superior to everyone else based on blood status, who was raised to be the perfect heir and checked off all the traits needed to be one to be insecure?? and unsure of himself?? and stupid??? and a loser??? i don't understand what the point of flipping the wolfstar dynamic was when you're left with a shallow copy of the original but ok. you do you ig.

to summarize, my sirius is cool and effortlessly smart and egotistical and a complete asshole who thinks he's the best thing ever. is it an act to cover up how damaged he thinks he is because of his family? possibly. but i also fully believe sirius thought he was a god amongst men and everyone should be glad to be in his presence. he talked down to other people because he considered himself smarter, he rolled his eyes when students asked stupid questions and made fun of them when they got an answer wrong. he's a teenage boy let him be a dick with no excuses.

(also i find it funny when people write about sirius getting into a fight with james or remus and crying because they said something mean. as if sirius wouldn't throw hands the moment someone started criticizing him. he's toxic and that's what makes him interesting. that's his purpose! characters exist to make stories interesting, to start drama, not to be your moral guide on how to act. stories become so much more fun once you let go of the need to make every character a good person. also liking a character doesn't equal liking them as a person. i love sirius but i would hate his guts irl)

In order for Derek to have a teenaged son, he also had to have been the father of a toddler at one point.

This means when it's time to roll out to disband a rogue hunter ring, and they get into Derek's newest, badass muscle car with the tinted windows, and Derek dons his sunglasses and says gruffly "They don't know who they're dealing with", that the moment he turns on his car, the Paw Patrol soundtrack immediately blasts from the speakers at full volume.

Or that, once in a while, the pack will hear Derek mindlessly humming a song that's gotten stuck in his head from countless repetitions every single day (because "Again, 'gen, 'gen, Dada! P'ay 'gen!"). And at some point Stiles, being fluent in memes and internet culture, is the only one to recognize the tune and ask "Wait, are you humming Baby Shark?"

And if you think Derek's control was solid before, that's NOTHING compared to the zen master level of composure he has now. When the hunters manage to capture Derek and Stiles and attempt to make Derek turn, they don't realize that, yeah, those sticks with the sonic pinging sound are loud and annoying, but have you ever had to deal with the demonic bat screeches of a 2-year-old for 4 hours that first night after he's not allowed to sleep with his pacifier anymore?

And, sure, being electrocuted loosens a werewolf's grasp on the shift a little bit, but have you ever had to hold back a shift because your child is having a complete meltdown in the middle of a Costco because his sock feels a little funny, and even though you fixed the problem, the ordeal happening at all was traumatic enough for him that it required rolling around on the ground, an additional 7 minutes of screaming, and an attempt to throw eggs out of the cart?

And the "torture" is laughable. Okay, wolfsbane makes you weak and lethargic and makes your skin burn and makes it hard to breathe and makes you throw up black goo, BUT have you ever had a random little girl throw sand in your kid's face, making him cry, and then, after telling her "No! We don't throw sand!", have to deal with an indignant mother yelling in your face because "You do NOT tell my daughter what to do! She is NOT your child and should NOT have to grow up in a world where any man can demand things from her!"?

You want to talk about torture, do you have any idea what 2-Year Sleep Regression is? Do you have any idea what it's like to wake up at 3AM to shrieking and then deal with a cranky toddler that refuses to take a nap, all of this FOR 6 WEEKS STRAIGHT?

Or how about when your 3-year-old has a tantrum because he asked for strawberries and when you give him strawberries you find out he actually meant blueberries but when you get him the blueberries, he has an even bigger tantrum because how DARE you put away the strawberries he didn't want in the first place?

There is a visible moment in which the hunters question whether or not they've made a mistake and accidentally captured two humans.

And after the two of them manage to get out of that mess and back to relative safety, Derek notices a cut on Stiles arm.

Stiles has to bite back a laugh when Derek, without even realizing he's doing it, sticks a Lightning McQueen bandaid on Stiles' cut before kissing his boo-boo better.

Just a thought, but like you should totally talk about how much you love irateshipping.

I lvoe it so much you guys my thoughts are sometimes easy to figure out and sometimes they're just kind of a blurry static field of warmth but i'll try my best.

As a side note, this got. Uh. Long. So it's under a cut now.

Okay so the first thing I adore about it is that it can really easily switch between a kind of funny domestic dynamic with two teenagers who don't know how to make emotions work and also can be “fucked up traumatized dudes try to kill each other with a gun.” That part is great for me.

Second of all, I talk a lot about like mariks perspective on the whole thing but I don’t know if I talk about Joey's perspective on the whole thing where like... Marik is objectively everything he hates. He's controlling, he's wealthy, he's narcissistic, he's like kaiba if kaiba was somehow worse and had nicer hair <- whoa who said that? Yet he still possesses a kind of inherent charm that ends up pulling you in closer and sort of forces Joey to have some kind of feeling about him, whether that be hatred or love or just "Wow! What a Freak".

I like to picture (read: there's no canon evidence for it, but a man can fantasize) that there's kind of a... weird attraction to Marik, especially with the brainwashing in a "i don't have to think anymore" way. Like, uh how do I explain this; Joey is used to having to work all the time to support himself and his family.

He goes for 7 straight hours at school doing work he doesn't understand with teachers that hate him, around friends that love him (and he loves back!) but always seem to overshadow him and, at least in canon, don't seem to quite 'get' the situation he's in at home, plus, you know, Yugi + Atem always overshadowing with the one big hobby he has. Then he goes back home, gets yelled at by his dad and has to play tip-toe around him (or, at least, I'd assume so), then hauls ass out to go work until 9:00, buy cheap dinner, then collapses and wakes up at 6:30 the next morning to go work again before going to school again. He's burning out 24/7. First man to ever desperately need a workers union for the simple act of existing.

But then Marik comes along with the Ghouls, and gets to say, you don't need to think anymore. You don't have to worry anymore. All the decisions are made for you. And it's never explicitly stated (probably because it would be a lie lmao) but in Joey's head this also has a connotation of you're finally safe. And you know what? To Joey, that's kind of blissful. No thinking. No more worrying. Just sort of... existing.

Of course, he hates it too, obviously. It's sickening to feel yourself be puppeted like that, out of your own control, forced to fight the people you love, etc. So we can't be having that. But there is still a certain bond thats formed by having someone inside your mind, and it goes both ways; not only is Joey dealing with the feeling of having all his brains pried open and picked apart like stir-fry, but Marik also now knows everything that happens in Joey's head. What's that even like??? Does it make him feel bad for Joey? Is he attracted to it? Does it just make him think Joey is stupid? Does he feel a sense of responsibility to maybe try and fix some of those problems when he becomes a Good Person? Is he now like the Expert on how Joey's brain works and has to decide how to use (or abuse) that knowledge?

Post-Battle City, I think they have a very awkward relationship. In canon they seem friendly, but imo thats kind of a cover-up for the awkwardness, because what else are they supposed to say to each other? "Hey, again, guy who brainwashed me and saw the innermost depths of my mind!" "I told you I don't do that anymore :(" type stuff. If you put them in a room alone, it'd just be like. An hour straight of pure silence, occasionally interrupted by asking where the bathroom is and conversations that go like "well uh how's life been?" "Not great." "ah. okay. cool. Cool."

At least imo Joey doesn't actually realize what he has are romantic feelings. In his mind, this weird sweatiness he feels and inability to put Marik out of his mind is probably a side effect of brainwashing or something. Marik does though. Marik is pretty much permanently looking at Joey like he wants to eat him alive or, perhaps more scandalously in his mind, hold his hand.

Also... This is a different conversation but I think marik is like - Jealous? Approving? Something like that- of joey. Not in a “I want to be an impoverished delinquent bad boy who breaks the rules” way but more in a “see, this is what I Should Have Been. The loyal son that sticks by his father no matter what.” And in one hand he doesn’t particularly care for Joeys father (finds him classless and unappreciative) and, on a surface level, recognizes that their situations are very Very different, but the jealousy remains. Like. That should be me trying up there.

Because both Marik and Joey have the same specific form of daddy issues where they wholeheartedly believe that they are the problem here, so if they just go the Right Chance they could fix everything with their parents and could live happily ever after. So they end up in an endless feedback loop of (nodding) "yes, he's doing the right thing by trying to make it up to his dad" and don't get why their friends are all like "please go talk to like. Someone else about this. Anyone."

I do think they have potential to actually help each other out with this type of stuff as they mature and are able to also recognize the affect that it has on the other ("You go deer-in-the-headlights whenever you're around open fire"/"you start cringing uncontrollably whenever someone throws anything at you") but also Not Right Now! right now they're not even talking to each other.

Anyways. Yeah. God. I'm in love with them in case you couldn't tell. I don't even know if this makes sense to anyone else other than me but I'm having fun and thats what matters mostly

Also yeah sometimes its that marik just wants to date a stupid jock and hes so real for that. Let marik have a good boyfriend and psychologically torment joey more 2k24 campaign.

Anyways enjoy a Collection (of scenes where they are in the same panel)(*devours my rarepair scraps*)

gert's random fusion aus: pushing daisies

sorry, i just realized i never explained what "pushing daisies" is, and while i'm not going to give the full run-down of every relevant detail--you will find this more compelling if you've seen it/are familiar with it--i'll give the basics real fast. ned is a piemaker who can bring back the dead with a single touch--and kill them again with another. the problem is, if they're alive again for more than a minute, someone else will die in their place. he found this out in the most traumatizing fucked up way possible btw. anyway, his best friend is PI emerson cod, with whom he investigates bizarre murders as, you know, they can interrogate the victim. albeit for one (1) minute only. and then ned brings back his childhood sweetheart/crush, inadvertently killing a corrupt graverobbing funeral director, and they fall in love again--with the caveat, of course, that they can never touch, because if he ever touches her again, she'll die. cue cute shit like kissing though plastic wrap and having clear walls on their bed (?) and that kind of thing. since she's still legally dead, she tries to help her aunts from afar, who have been shut-ins for a while, and there's some other stuff going on too with a waitress in love with ned (olive my beloved), emerson cod's ex-wives (and a child!), and a mystery from ned's past. i think that's all the basics? anyway, on with the show.

Trent Crimm is a journalist, so perhaps it isn’t surprising when he’s murdered. He dies alone, and afraid, and with no one to care. And then he wakes up with Ted Lasso peering down at him, worried, with soft, kind eyes Trent hasn’t seen since he was a teenager. Who knew that his schoolyard sweetheart could bring back the dead? Certainly not Trent. (Although his college friend, Beard, now a private investigator, apparently very much did.)

Now Trent, still legally dead, has to deal with, among other things: the trauma of his murder and identity of his murderer, his ex-wife and daughter (who still think he is dead, and he secretly suspects might be better off without him, even though he misses his daughter dearly), his growing feelings for a man he can never touch again, his father, and also, you know, all the bizarre murders he, Ted, and Beard are roped into investigating.

Also see: Ted struggling with depression, divorce, fatherhood, baking, and his own past (including a dreadful secret he is keeping from Trent), Beard struggling with a femme fatale to his noir detective, and whatever the hell Roy, Keeley, and Jamie are doing in the background with their synchronized swimming act.

Some notes:

Rupert is almost certainly the one who killed Trent, or had him killed. For, you know, knowing things he shouldn't; looking into things he shouldn't, etc. Half wondering if Rebecca should be involved--not as in she helped kill him, but as in she found out about it or was unwillingly involved--because that could make things even more deliciously complicated.

Ted and baking and building community--whether biscuits or pie, charming everyone he meets

(Trent was poisoned, by the way. So that baking thing. Oh boy.)

I do have a lot of feelings about Trent dying alone and being terrified of that happening again even though he refuses to admit it and keeps a cool and steady facade. Cue Ted getting him to be emotionally vulnerable, and also bonding with Beard at a point where they're trapped together in a situation that could kill them.

Ted and Trent's whole dance around each other only gets more exceedingly complicated, because Ted inadvertently broke his heart a decade or two ago, and now he's brought Trent back from the actual dead. Mixed signals, maybe. Regardless, they are very sweet and wholesome 90 percent of the time.

Thinking about that scene where Ned and Chuck dance on the rooftop in beekeepers outfits--Trent trying to find ways to fill the time now that he can't exactly be a journalist, and while he does end up throwing himself into helping Ted and Beard with their cases--he has his own relevant skills, after all--as well as trying to take care of his child and ex-wife from afar, he can't do that all the time: and Ted has bees on the roof, for the honey.

And also just again, them slow dancing like that. ough.

The whole thing with Trent's ex and daughter I'm not married to (haha) considering I don't think he'd actually leave his daughter thinking he's dead (and I think Ted would not be okay with that, too, for obvious reasons) however I'm not sure how else to handle it and I'm also thinking about him genuinely wondering if they're better off without him and then at some point, of course, them finding out, and. painful emotional growth ensues

Ted is also struggling with his own divorce and kid, because he has secrets and he's kind of terrified that Henry will have his ability, or something similar, even though there have been no signs of it so far. He hadn't planned on having kids, and while he could never regret Henry he's scared of what kind of father he'll be and what kind of damage his secret could do.

I'm not gonna lie, the last line of the summary about roy, keeley, and jamie was a bit of a Silly on my part, so I'm not sure if it would have become something, but I do have ideas running in circles in my brain. Something something, working together, triangles are the strongest shape, something something, practicing and being the best you can be?

Episodic format with case-of-the-weeks involving the other characters, such as the players, Rebecca, etc?

I admit, while part of what makes Pushing Daisies compelling is the tragic impossibility of Ned and Chuck's situation and also the complete non-explanation for how, exactly, Ned got to be Like This, I'm a sucker for a fix-it, and some ideas included: Ted giving up his gift (and dealing with the pain it's caused him and not being "useful", that he's worth more than this gift) OR just. really rotating a scene in my head where for [waves hands] plot reasons Ted knows he has to touch Trent again, let him die again (to bring him back? to stop something terrible? because they've learned something about the origins of Ted's ability?) and just. Trent's near tears but in that smiling this has to happen way, and Ted--Ted gets to kiss him, for real, with no plastic wrap between them, just once, and then Trent crumples in his arms and Ted is just. devastated. Now the question is, does he wake up, or is there another way to bring him back?

(This also works so painfully with "Trent being afraid of dying alone again" because... he doesn't. He dies in Ted's arms, surrounded by friends who will miss him.)

Also thought about this ability being connected to Ted's... Issues(TM), namely his forced positivity and repressed depression and shit but that's kind of soup brain right now

ALSO SEE! Beard and Jane have some fucked up shit going on in the background that eventually gets resolved. Beard occasionally slips into noir detective mode, just like Ted and Trent occasionally slip into romcom mode, despite the fact they're all living in vividly colorful murder mystery bizarro world.

I considered Nate as Olive, albeit in a rather different way, but it doesn't quite fit. Also see Rebecca as someone who hires them under false pretenses but then, ah. doesn't?

Ted and his immortal dog he can't actually pet, please

ALTERNATE TAKES:

Trent is a journalist who can bring back the dead for exactly one minute. It’s extremely useful in his line of work, until he comes across the unattended body of the man he fell in love with over a decade ago, and unfortunately, cannot resist temptation. Possibly featuring Roy Kent as a detective he reluctantly assists, because I find that to be a particularly funny duo.

Ted brings back his best friend from the dead. Trent Crimm, investigative journalist, finds out about his ability and decides to do nothing about it. I find this one compelling despite it not being very fleshed out because I just think Trent finding out a very important secret and deciding not to reveal it, and not even use it, even though it could be very useful, and then he ends up befriending Ted anyway and Ted offers to help... meanwhile Ted and Beard are having their own issues w--wait actually. Wait. I just considered. This... this doesn't really fit with the OG Pushing Daisies but it could be compelling regardless. Ted brings back Michelle, and while she's grateful (because, you know, Henry) it fucks up their relationship even further, especially because they can't touch anymore, and while she's not exactly asking him to undo it she didn't ask to be brought back, either. ANYWAY. And Trent and Ted getting into shenanigans. And probably Beard, too, anyway.

Alternatively, something about Roy as Ned and Keeley as Chuck and possibly Jamie as either Emerson Cod or Olive is.... hmmm.... interesting

idk i'll probably have more thoughts on this later but!!! here you go. this au is too big and complicated in my brain to likely ever get a proper full-sized fic, unless i really get hit with an inspiration whammy, but i might write a few snippets. we'll see

¿Cómo fue la noche de bodas de los padres de los fgg? (O la primera vez (sexo) de los padres de los fgg con su respectiva pareja)

P.d:ya que el padre es un misterio, skel no cuenta

(Translated via Google Translate)

"How was the fgg parents' wedding night? (Or the first time (sex) of the parents of the fgg with their respective partner) P.s: since the father is a mystery, skel does not count"

--

That's kind of funny to think about! I think each answer could say a lot about their respective cultures, and even more about who they are as people.

There's nothing especially graphic ahead, but I'll put the following text below a cut just in case.

Foster and Sofia probably waited until their wedding night to do anything sexual because they're both Lindists. According to Lindist scripture, it's immoral to have sex before marriage because it "invites bad spirits" and "spoils the body". (In reality, the House of Humanity imposed this rule because Evangelite medical technology sucks, this kingdom is not well-equipped to deal with disease, and monogamous, committed intercourse is less likely to spread diseases.)

Since neither of them had prior experience, I'm sure it was awkward and unpleasant, especially for Sofia. Pleasure is not prioritized for Evangelite women because in their culture, women are seen as beasts of burden, baby-factories, and servants to men. Evangelite women are not supposed to enjoy sex because it's seen as improper, not ladylike behavior. So, sex with Foster was probably pretty awful and I doubt it got much better with time.

Moswen and Ekwame: Moswen was forced to marry Ekwame when she was 16, and she gave birth to her sons at 17. I think we can safely assume that she conceived those children on her wedding night, which is really upsetting considering Ekwame was 40 years older than her. As cruel and hateable as she is, I can't help but feel sympathy for her here, because this had to be a traumatic experience for her no matter how you slice it. She should have been in school with her peers, but instead she was getting railed by some nasty old man and forced into motherhood when she was still a kid herself. I don't want to dwell on this one, I'm sure you can imagine how scary this was for teenage Moswen. And knowing what a selfish, apathetic ass Ekwame was, I'm sure he didn't really care how she felt about anything. Both of them just went through the motions like they were told to, to fulfill political obligations.

Oggsa and Vingevar: We don't know much about Vingevar, so it's tough to say what happened here. But we do know what a tough, domineering personality Oggsa is, so you can bet one thing...she was always on top.

Rene and Sebastian: They were at it long before they got married, and I doubt they even remember their first time because they were both completely wasted. Despite their dysfunction, I think these two did genuinely love eachother, and it must have been a sweet moment for them both. Perhaps they were getting it on in a dirty public bathroom or next to a stinking swamp...but the love was still there!

Ojio and Tarajeen: Sex before marriage is taboo in Damijana, and considering all the agents spying on them, these two wouldn't have risked it. I think both of them were virgins before they married, and their first several times was the most awkward sex ever. Sex education is bad in Damijana--and I mean baaaaad! They don't teach their people anything useful about intercourse because the censorship laws are so over-the-top. Porn and nudity is outright banned, even if it's tasteful. This leaves grown-ass adult citizens very confused about sex and how it actually works. They just clumsily fumble their way through it until offspring happens (and oftentimes, doesn't happen! Damijani fertility rates are low for a reason...People literally forgot how to reproduce here...)

Ojio and Tarajeen knew they were supposed to undress and climb into bed together. After that...??? Something about tab A into slot B??? But they don't realize Ojio is supposed to be erect when it happens, nor do they realize they're supposed to gyrate around until climax. So they just kinda put it in for a while, take it out and then go to sleep. Several confounding trips to the clinic later, they finally discover why they haven't concieved a child...the sex got a lot better after that, but boy did they feel silly. And then Jeimos was born, and they never had time for sex again. :') Ah, parenthood under capitalism.

Darshaan and Karenza: I think they hooked up well before marriage, probably during their journey across the desert as they fled from Alqamah. I can imagine them taking cover in a cave after dark and getting extra cozy in the tiny space. It's a loving encounter and they are sweet and gentle with eachother...then right before climax, Darshaan notices a scorpion on the wall right in front of his face. He screams like a little girl, wraps his arms around Karenza and rolls them out of the cave like a sweaty, naked tumbleweed. They both get sand lodged in unfortunate places. Karenza never lets him forget that moment as for long as they were together.

Riona and Nemeto: Supposedly Nemeto sailed to Umory-Ond in search of old ships to repair and sell, where he met Riona and fell in love with her. Riona chose to sail away with him back to Matuzu Kingdom. I like to think she jumped his bones right there on the boat!

I'll skip Balthazaar and Skel's parents because we just don't have enough information about them. Same for Adel and Zeffer's mother. I'll skip Olandrah too, because her first time was unfortunately very disturbing and not fun to read about. No point in talking about the Tekeetian King and Queen either, because they were cecaelia and had no concept of sex.

I think Eindrid and Jorun waited until marriage as is customary for their culture. But as we learned in "The Stash", the people of Loreham have an unusual practice where the bride and groom get it on for the first time in front of the whole tribe! They do this because centaurs are big, cumbersome creatures who can actually injure eachother pretty bad during sex if they're not careful. Having the tribe there to cheer and backseat them during their first time is probably annoying as hell, but it prevents tragedies and gives the couple confidence. It also ensures that a child is conceived properly, provides witnesses to the consummation, and guarantees the celebration ends with a bang...pun intended.

Anyway, Jorun is Elska's mother, so you know she ended up mangling someone or something by the end of it. I'm just saying, Eindrid always had a little extra bend in his ween from that day forward...

*

Questions/Comments?

Lore Masterpost

Read the Series

Long rambling piece about self image and self love and my relationships below the cut!

Something my therapist and I have talked about recently (and also in the past but moreso recently) is like, my often kind of vitriolic and misdirected hatred directed towards my past self. I spent so long blaming myself for everything that once I started to come to terms with the fact that not everything is my fault (or even within the realm of my control), my worldview started to literally break down, which is nuts!!! It's crazy that my experience of life and the world was founded on such self hatred.

I think the hard truth I've had to come to terms with is that when I was a teenager, I was dealing with a lot of difficult things that no child should have to experience. That isn't to say I've experienced The Most Hardship Ever, but the specific combination of abuse/struggles with my identity/instability with my family/eating disorder/suicidal friends and loved ones/self harm was a constantly stressful and actively traumatic situation. Even so, it took me so long to accept that even the abuse was not my fault, and it was just so easy to find ways to blame myself for everything else too. And since then, blaming myself for everything has just been my default.

In the past, I've seen posts about how self-hatred is also a self-centered worldview, which I think is true, but that's not really a statement that helps when there's no follow up over what to do about it. It's taken a lot of continuing to focus on myself and deconstruct those beliefs and understand why I feel that way in order to stop hating myself! It's been about following the threads of my self hatred and internalized beliefs back to the source, and accepting and acknowledging the ways that people have hurt me in the past that led to my fragile self image. It's been about rebuilding my self image and accepting that I am just a human being, capable of bad and good, as is everyone.

At the same time, it's also been about reaching out to others and rebuilding my world view, that the world isn't such a scary place, nor is being hurt something that is cosmically earned. Finding friends and community and repairing relationships that I feel secure and loved in, where I don't need to pretend to be someone else, has indeed been the foundation of my healing. I needed to allow myself to be loved by others and advocate for the love I deserve in order to stop accepting abuse. And I also needed to see others as the complex beings they are too, and see them fuck up and make mistakes, and still love them.

I think it's easy to hate your past self even when working on self love because y'know, that's Not You Anymore. That's someone you USED to be, not who you are now. But the thing is, that's still me. And that's someone I'm supposed to love and care about. And if I'm capable of loving and caring about other people when they're hurt and angry and sad, and when they make mistakes, and when they need extra support, I'm capable of loving myself under those same conditions. And I also need to be able to trust others and let them love me, even though I'm not perfect and will make mistakes, and be secure in the idea of them loving me with my flaws and not just despite them.

And not just in relationships, also in work and at school, I've had to really start internalizing when I do a good job or get praise for something. In the past, it's been that being exceptionally good at something is the default and everything else is unacceptable, so I never allowed myself to feel good about praise. But the older and further out of high school I'm getting, and the more jobs I work, the more I realize how important it is to just fuckin take a compliment. Not just saying "thanks," but actively acknowledging in my brain like, "hey, I am doing a good job" and being proud of myself.

It's hard for me to voice everything that I'm feeling regarding this because it's all so complicated and there are so many layers but like. It's a lot, and I'm starting to feel like my world is getting bigger because I'm allowing myself to be loved by others in a way I couldn't before. And I feel a lot better about knowing who I am and what I want and what I deserve, and to stop accepting mistreatment from others as a reflection on my character or something I cosmically deserve.

What do you think of a season 4 of ATLA where Zuko helps Azula recover would look like and what would you want from it?

I think a season four of ATLA, in general, not just the Zuko and Azula plot, could be summerized in one word: CHAOS. Everyone is trying to readjust to their new lives and trying to salvage something - their city, their nation, their family, etc.

First thing that NEEDS to be different from the comics: Zuko does NOT send Azula to an asylum, and forgets about her while she's going through hell. He has her stay at a proper hospital, where she'll be cared for and treated with basic human decensy, and he is gonna be checking on her regularly.

I feel like Zuko would have three main reasons why he wants to help her: She is his responsibility since he is legal guardian AND her Fire Lord;,there would definitively be people who would support her over him so keeping an eye on her is a must, and there's also the fact that he just does not understand how/why her breakdown happened - I've said this before, but being forced to live in her shadow for so long made Zuko understand she can be defeated in theory, but in practice he just can't grasp the concept that Ozai's perfect daughter is an actual human being with weaknesses, emotions, fears, problems and traumas. Her breakdown prooves him wrong, but it also means that he is completely lost and doesn't really understand who he is dealing with, so he'd be visiting her frequently because he's trying to reconciliate the image he had of her his whole life with the actual person that is right in front of him.

Second thing that NEEDS to be different from the comics: Azula should NOT be demonized for not being okay. We spent literally three books seeing Zuko screwing up in a variety of ways without ever having the narrative act like he is fundamentally a gargabe person for being a traumatized teenager that doesn't have the tools to deal with said trauma, so it's only fair Azula gets the same treatment. Her relapses and bad days should be acknowledged and taken seriously, especially if she causes any kind of harm to anyone in any way as a consequence of it, but the fact that she is literally just a kid who has had to deal with far too much bullshit should never be forgotten. It also needs to be acknowledged that of course she's going to reject help - she was taught that needing others is a weakness, she has literally no reason to trust her family, and she is literally suffering from paranoia. This absolutely can NOT be held against her.

Third thing that NEEDS to be different from the comics: Iroh and Ursa will both take a good look at what happened to this child they were responsible for, she is going call them out on every single way they were unfair to her, and will recognize that she is right - and they'll actually take some goddamn responsibility for it. No more hypocritical uncle that sees her as the devil while putting her brother on a pedestal and forgiving himself for his past misdeeds, and no bullshit "apology" from a mother that chose to forget her, didn't even know who she was she "apologized", and that then did nothing to help salvage their relationship after getting her memories back. They're gonna help her out with anything she needs without expecting anything in return because Azula doesn't need to suddenly become an angel to be "worthy" of basic human decensy, especially not from the people who were supposed to protect her and failed to do so. They are the adults, and they're gonna start acting like it instead of just letting Zuko, who they were also responsible for, deal with the consequeces of mistakes that were not his own.

Fourth thing that NEEDS to be different from the comics: Zuko will grow to understand his sister and recognize that, while his life was far from easy, in some ways HE was the lucky one, not her, because he had someone looking after him before he could end up like that. He is going feel compassion for Azula, and this is going to pave the way for him to actually bond with her. He'll also finally see that she wasn't just "lucky." She fought hard for everything she had in life and it is NOT fair that now all that she has left is her bending - which he will NOT have Aang removing.

Fifth thing that NEEDS to be different from the comics: Zuko will NOT take his mentally ill sister on a mission without knowing a damn thing about her condition, consequently making it worse and then threaten to kill her when she finally can't handle it anymore. Seriously, what the fuck were Bryke and Yang thinking? It's one thing to have him lash out at her in a moment of frustration and then have him give her the "No matter what, you're still my sister" speech (that would actually be realistic, in character for Zuko, and compelling story-telling) but what the comics did was straight up have him abuse her and then frame him as the good guy because "deep down he cares, so it's okay that he almost killed her for something that was his own fault"

Sixth thing that NEEDS to be different from the comics: Zuko will give Azula actual reasons to trust him. He will treat as someone who needs help and continue to visit her once Iroh and Ursa become her guardians instead of acting like she's a burden he's stuck with, take it seriously if she says some doctor mistreated her somehow instead of assuming she's just being difficult and did something to deserve it, apologize for the times he was unfair to her and thank her for the good things she did for him (bringing him home, checking on him in Ember Island) and recognize that, just like she isn't entitled to his forgiveness, she has no obligation to forgive anyone who hurt her. He is also gonna listen to her opinions on what is best for their nation and think it over to see if she's right because she has more experience with those things than he does, instead of immediatelly dismissing anything she says because she's "crazy" and "evil." And, most important of all, he is not going to abuse her as "punishment" for needing time to grow to trust him instead of instantly seeing him as her hero.

Seventh thing that NEEDs to be different from the comics: Zuko will give Azula actual reasons to question everything Ozai taught her. Instead of being condescending and smug, constantly telling her that she is wrong, he is going to actually bother to make her UNDERSTAND what she did wrong, why it was wrong, how she can do better, and why it would be better.

Have Azula interact with other patients at the hospital, seeing how the war had a terrible effect on the people of the Fire Nation, and left even the bravest and most resilient broken. Have her interacting with the Gaang, and even travelling (when she's stable enough to do so) so she can see how the war devastated the entire world, and ruined the lives of people that are not that different from her. Let her talk things out with Mai and Ty Lee and understand what she did wrong and led to their friendship falling appart. And finally let Zuko act like her older brother and guide her through it all. He literally made all the same mistakes she made - why can't he be the one to help her find ways to fix said mistakes?

Just fucking let him act like her family, like her friend, so she can realize that this is something she wants to do as well. It's not rocket science and I'm sick of people pretending that it is.

yeah, I agree! I just see a lot of people talk shit about kit without recognizing how the blackthorns hurt him too (all of which being unintentional) or fics that treat it like kit needs to do ALL the work to address what happened. in the scene where kit tells jem that he doesn't think he can ever be enough for someone to actually love him, it's clear that he still doesn't think that the blackthorns actually cared about him. I hope that's something that will get some sort of attention in TWP, especially since kit will hopefully be able to look at it from a healthier perspective, even though realistically those thoughts should still be there imo. they're hard ones to let go of in my experience, but a big step is just being able to recognize that they're wrong and having ways to stop them from controlling your life imo, and I hope with ty at least, they can find a way to address them when they pop up (like they'll need to find ways to address all of the other issues and negative thinkings that both kit and ty are bound to have. like seriously I know they're mains so it's pretty much impossible, but could we maybe NOT give these boys any more trauma???) I just really hope that stuff will be addressed in-text lol

!!!!

That's the thing, Kit did nothing to the other Blackthorns??? Why should he be the one to fix all That Shit? Ty is a more complicated matter, but the rest of them???

That scene with him and Jem was heartbreaking 😣 I rarely cry while reading books, but that scene made me go- haha this is fine *sob* He doesn't believe that the Blackthorns even missed him!! Why should he apologize to them, for being a traumatized teenager who doesn't know how to deal with rejection? Ok then

Totally! CC let them have an actual conversation instead of figuring out shit about what happened/each other as they go. Enough trauma 😭

The funniest thing about june teasing katara and zuko about being a couple is that she just sees a pretty girl and an attractive guy, both looking almost the same age which immediately makes her go "you two must be a couple" and it just reminds me of zvtara shippers, you know what i mean? I'm convinced one of the reasons a lot of ppl ship them is bc of their looks. katara being the female protagonist and also a pretty, smart and powerful girl & zuko, despite not being the male protagonist, being the most attractive guy in the gaang. Boom, a "bomb ass ship". It is worth to recall that "people ship zutara bc they projected onto katara and had a crush on zuko". And if they say they don't ship them for that reason, then it's bc they read too much between the lines in every interaction they have. So, back to june, she didn't even care if they had chemistry or if they were friends or anything, she just straight up teased them about being a couple lmao. Because in all honesty zvtara can be an appealing ship in anyone's eyes but THAT'S IT, it doesn't go further than that. I can be testimony of that😅Before even watching the show i was like june, one day i saw a zk fanart and was like "wow aren't those zuko and katara from atla? They look so good, she's gorgeous and he's hot" i already knew kataang was endgame and that mai was zuko's love interest but seeing zuko and katara together was pleasing to my eyes. However once i watched the show for the first time (2 months ago i think) i realized there was really no romantic chemistry between them, nothing, literally nothing, i mean, i wasn't even waiting for the zvtara content in the show that made ppl ship them so much, i was actually very neutral about ships, i couldn't care less about them, but i still realized nothing was happenig between them and that it was obvious since book 1 ep 1 that kataang was endgame. Zuko and katara were two teenagers from opposite sides of a war that tried to kill each other multiple times and when zuko changed sides they developed a completely platonic relationship. As i said, people either ship them because it's an appealing and aesthetically pleasing ship (water/fire, enemies to lovers, opposites attract, the common red & blue ship) or they just love reading too much between the lines, OR BOTH, because they were so thirsty about it they ended up convincing themselves there was romantic tension between them, that they liked each other and that zvtara was scrapped when it was never planned in the first place. Not to mention the reasons why they claim zvtara should've been endgame are based only on symbolism and things they have in common that are just so ??? Random. e.g. (i saw these on a post on facebook and the comment section was hilarious, it was full of ppl being sarcastic about it & making fun of it) saying they should've been canon bc:

1. "They both lost their mothers at a young age" (?)

2. "katara was good but had rage in her heart and zuko was bad but had good in his heart so it was like yin and yang, and that was the main purpose/topic of the show" (?)

3. "they both had alter egos (painted lady and blue spirit)" (???) this one sounds like saying maiko was canon bc zuko worked in a tea shop and mai worked in a flower shop😂

4. "Zuko was the only one who supported katara in taking revenge on her mom's assassin" (?) if you ask me, that just proves zuko is not right for katara, he led her to do something she was gonna regret later (not trying to hate on zuko, i love him, and since i love him i acknowledge his flaws. I understand why he thought it was the best thing to do, he's an impulsive and resentful boy (he would've done the same if it was his mom) and he noticed how thirsty katara was for revenge, ofc he wanted to help her + he wanted her to accept him and thought it was the right thing to do in order to gain her trust, but it wasn't) unlike zuko, aang tried to make katara come to her senses and do the thing that was best for her: forgive and let go, and it was basically what she did at the end. She didn't do what zuko expected her to do. She did what aang expected her to do. She didn't forgive her mom's assassin, but she forgave zuko, and she didn't do THAT thing she (and aang) knew would regret later. Aang knew katara and what was the best thing for her to do.

5. and the most ridiculous one, "they both saved each other's lives in the final agni kai"(???????) and the funniest part is that it was followed by "WHAT MORE PROOFS DO YOU WANT???". Honestly wtf did ppl expect? Did they expect zuko to stand there and watch katara die? Did they expect katara to just stand there and watch zuko lay on the floor & die? And this has been said a million times and i am going to join and say it once again: zuko would've done that for ANYONE from the gaang, he would've done the same for toph, sokka, suki and aang. Because he learned to care about them. As for katara, she would've done that for anyone too wtf she healed aang once too and even brought him back to life. (I wouldn't be surprised if zk shippers used that as a parallel for romantic zvtara proof bc they're just like that💀)

There were more "reasons" but they're just so stupid and taken out of context like "they care for each other" & "katara was the one who encouraged him to talk to his uncle" like yeah that's what friends do. Basically all zvtara shippers do is REACH.

Also, i just can't see it happening. I like the enemies to lovers trope, maybe if the writers really intended to make it canon, i would have been down for the ship, it would've been interesting to see how it developed, but,, they didn't, and later i came to the realization that if it would've really happened, it would've been so... weird. Time to bring up the "colonized and colonizer ship" and how some ppl feel uncomfortable about it. Besides the fact that a relationship between zuko and katara wouldn't have worked (they're incompatible af, katara is a girl with a strong character and zuko is a guy with anger issues that takes everything personal, they'd be at each other's throats 99% of the time) it's just weird to think that katara would choose to marry a man from the fire nation, the nation that caused a big war that traumatized her, the nation that took her mother away from her. Imagine katara ruling along with zuko a nation she despised for years. Fire lady katara doesn't sit right with me, and i'm sure it doesn't sit right with a lot of ppl as well. I don't see katara doing that, and yes, i know she forgave zuko, but still, she would've never done that 🤦🏽‍♀️ i think it would've been so OOC tbh.

Another thing i laugh my ass off at is when they say "zuko should've chosen katara instead of mai" as if they were ever in a relationship for zuko to say "ok imma choose katara i wanna be with her". As if katara was EVER an option for him. They never showed interest in each other, what's not clicking?????? And zuko only had eyes for mai, not to mention that despite zuko and mai had a rough relationship, no girl would've dealed with zuko's bs better than mai. Can you imagine katara dealing with zuko blowing up over everything? Because i can't. Also people saying things like "zuko deserves someone who is always there for him and listens to him" (and ofc they're talking about katara) like, ok, you hate that katara is aang's "therapist" but you want her to be zuko's therapist. Logic? Where? And I do remember mai being a supportive gf and trying to cheer him up multiple times. Did they watch the same show as me?

Zvtarians try to play the victims about how they were "robbed" bc some voice actors shipped them and from what i've read people who worked for the show suggested to go for zk, but that's stupid, it doesn't count as "they planned it but scrapped it, we were robbed". The only word that counts are the creators' voice and they have stated they were always rooting for kataang, so no, you were not robbed.

People are just so in love with the idea of zuko and katara together they really convinced themselves it was likely to happen. Honestly zvtara it's a fine ship as fanon but ppl ruined it for me and what i hate the most is when they ship it and hate on aang and mai at the same time and make them look SO bad to invalidate kataang and maiko. Saying aang is abusive and mai is toxic is complete ✨bullshit✨ and lastly, it's ridiculous when they say the creators were cowards for not making it canon. They're cowards for not fulfilling your greatest childhood wish? Something they never planned? It is THEIR show. If you hate sm how things turned out then quit atla once and for all and go find another show that you know is gonna give you what you expect,,, it's tiring that they've been crying about it for 15 yrs , like, i joined the fandom recently but i can imagine how tired old atla fans must be of this.

OK so I have a lot of thoughts about this and firstly,,,anon I appreciate the dedication that it took for you to write  this, and I agree with many of your points. However, the attitude I have on this blog towards Avatar ships is far more neutral than what you’re saying.

Ultimately, romance is not and never was the focus of Avatar. Romantic development was always secondary or tertiary plot, and the entire show was far more focused on platonic relationship development. My attitude towards shippers on here - including Zutara shippers - is that people can ship what they want, as long as they’re respectful of each other and of the other characters that “interfere” with their ship. End of the day, shipping is irrelevant to the core of the show. 

People shipping something because they find it aesthetically appealing is honestly,,,fine. Personally, I think it’s reductionist, but I don’t care if you do because everyone has the right to enjoy media however they want to. 

That being said, we absolutely should call out racist or problematic tropes that we see, including ‘fire lady katara”. I also agree that it’s upsetting when people bash other characters in order to further their ship, as much of the bashing is also pretty racist and/or misogynistic. Calling that out, however, is separate from calling out every single person who happens to enjoy certain ships. 

“She didn't do what zuko expected her to do. She did what aang expected her to do. She didn't forgive her mom's assassin, but she forgave zuko, and she didn't do THAT thing she (and aang) knew would regret later. Aang knew katara and what was the best thing for her to do.”

I understand where you’re coming from, but I honestly disagree with this take. Both Aang and Zuko were approaching the situations from their own life experiences, but Katara didn’t do what either of the boys wanted. She chose her own path, by both sparing Yon Rha’s life but also refusing to forgive him. The episode is about Katara and her personal trauma and its focus should not be on her relationships with either Zuko or Aang. 

When I make posts such as this, it’s less about hating Z*tara and more about how this fandom focuses all its attention on romance and shipping, to the point where if you acknowledge a relationship’s importance it’s assumed you pair the two romantically. I don’t read Zuko and Katara’s relationship as romantic (for reasons that it would take too long to explain here), but their relationship development is extremely important, the two of them share tons of parallels and the final Agni Kai marks the culmination of both of their character arcs. Yes, Zuko would have taken the lightning for any of the characters, but it’s thematically important that it was Katara. None of this inherently means it’s romantic, but refusing to acknowledge the significance of the relationship between them is equally reductionist. 

This isn’t an attack on you, anon, and you’re 100% allowed to have negative feelings about a ship. But at the end of the day, it’s not worth getting this worked up over. If I were you I’d focus more on creating/consuming content for a ship you like than bashing ships you don’t!

Some headcanons for The Long Road that absolutely nobody asked for

Who’s the messiest one:

Everyone has their places that they are the messiest one in.

dean: when he cooks, he does not clean up the kitchen afterward. he reasons that cleanup is sam's detail, because that splits the work 50-50. most of the time, sam is okay with this because he doesn't particularly enjoy cooking and is tired of takeout. he'll bitch dean out in three circumstances: 1, he hasn't been there (fair), 2, he wanted to eat out (less fair), 3, DID YOU REALLY HAVE TO WRECK THE WHOLE KITCHEN TO BAKE A FRICKIN PIE (least fair).

when it comes to the state of his room, though, dean falls right between sam and adam. it's his space, so he reasons everyone can mind their own business. sometimes he is really on top of it; other stretches of time, he'll let things pile up / get out of place before he'll do something about it.

you so much as leave a to-go cup in Baby, though, and God help you.

sam: between the three of them, sam tends to be the most orderly and tidy. BUT, leave that man alone to his own devices in the library? he's probably fallen asleep atop an entire table of "organized chaos" of open books, pages of notes, a new (unimplemented) filing system, a dozen bookmarked tomes, and a couple dozen pens lost amid the chaos. sam in research mode + cross-referencing & digitizing & organizing the men of letters' archives into a streamlined and interconnected, coherent system is...a lot. just like A Lot. and it Shows. (and sam's loving every minute of it. utterly geeking out in his own head.)

adam: is a disaster child. he'll let shit pile up until he has to deal with it, or is otherwise bitched at enough by (usually) sam. he doesn't have a lot of stuff, so it can't reach actual problem levels in the bunker. but he's totally the kind to be like, "what the hell? how long has this been here? hey, guys, when did we eat at burger king? oh god, we should definitely toss that at the next gas station. what? no i'm not going searching for a trash can right now" about his car.

Who feels the most uncomfortable about PDA:

it is, get this, sam. i know, i know. hear me out. when given the option, adam can and will be affectionate within reason. he's the most uptight and gunshy about it at first, when he just gets out of the cage; tends to withdraw from people getting too close, always on edge; as a survivor of the most Traumatic Thing in the Universe, that is more than fair and expected.

once he's had time to find his footing with sam & dean, however, he'll greet them with a bro-hug, when appropriate, a slap on the back, a nudge of the elbow, lowkey affection like that.

dean came back from purgatory more affectionate than he'd ever been before. much more readily will not only greet with a hug, but say goodbye (even in 'casual' partings) with a hug.

that leaves sam, who used to be considered more mushy than dean by these terms. dean's lowkey affection he's used to. adam's? nah. no. especially in the first 5 years, for the amount of time that adam does it (before shit gets Real Bad). after adam gets out of the institution, he gravitates more towards sam naturally, even when pissed, and sam's kinda lowkey why is he in my personal space??? weird. because it doesn't innately fit the same kind of way it does with dean. post-reintegration, he's more affectionate after they've found their footing again. he tries to make up for the Bad Years with more slaps on the shoulder kind of affection. boy's trying.

Who’s the funniest drunk:

sam is a disaster drunk. he's the biggest lightweight of the three of them, which is funny because he's also the biggest, just like the biggest in general. dean becomes so much fun in unexpectedly different kinds of ways. like, he can be talked into karaoke. or doing some stupid shit he's gonna regret in the morning because odds are it's not gonna end well.

but adam is straight up hilarious. that sharp wit comes out, and all his inhibitions (and image) are gone so he just straight up cracks the worst jokes ever and gets away with it. they land. somehow they land. maybe because sam & dean are also drunk. maybe because he is just that funny. maybe it's that he has a tendency to get blackout-wasted and do stupid shit that makes no sense whatsoever, like shower with his f*ckin socks on and dean is never gonna let that shit die.

Who texts the most:

adam or dean. during large periods of time in the first 5 years, adam will leave dean on read and dean texts because read receipts means he knows when adam is checking his messages and therefore he knows adam is at least alive, if not entirely alright. by that view, dean texts the most.

but for random shit, that would be adam. he'll text dean something like

with either no caption, or something like: this reminds me you need to hit the gym, or looks like you have competition and doesn't give further context. dean doesn't mind because at least it means the kid's not dying in a basement somewhere.

he'll kick his ass for the fat comment later

Who reads the most:

it goes in this order:

sam "i read this entire book in one sitting cause i had the time, and now i am awake at 1am because i can't decide if i want to start another one since i have down time" winchester

adam "does it have cool illustrations? no? fine, at least tell me the lore on boobries is correct" milligan

dean "what job has the least amount of reading?" winchester

Who has the most embarrassing taste in music:

eff. ing. adam. even in his own car (where, hey, the rules are driver picks the music dean!) he's only allowed a certain amount of time for his "whiny teenage garbage music" (thanks dean) before he has to change it to something a little more tolerable (rock, at the very least). heaven help him if he hints at something country with dean around. dean will be like, sit your ass down it's time for REAL music 101 and put on Metallica for the 8th time.

Who’s better with kids:

adam, with dean a very, very close second! so close, they probably tie. adam, early on, isn't good with anyone because fresh-out-of-the-cage (even post-institution for a bit) makes him kind of a hairs-breadth triggered bomb when it comes to people of all ages. but adam a bit more balanced? a natural. he grew up around extended family, friends, wanted kids of his own someday.

sam, however, is the absolute worst. a pure disaster moron in this arena. when adam is de-aged? dean didn't think it was possible for sam to suck so much at something. (don't worry, the boy found his bearings. but oh man...the road to get there, paved with more potholes than road.) BUT when sam really tries? like if he lets himself relax and lowers his inhibitions, he can do pretty well. but he's mostly just Highly Uncomfortable around kids, and like, it Shows.

Who’s the one that fixes things around the house:

dean. put that boy in the garage, under the hood of a car, great. can do it all. put that boy in front of a little home repair? renovation? by god he'll figure it out. and he won't put a hole in the wall shut up sammy. he takes pride in the upkeep of the bunker.

sam, however, is much more content to just be like ah man i wish we had a shelf here. or, oh right we need to remember to do xyz and then sit back and wait for it to Magically Take Care of Itself.

Who’s got the weirdest hobby:

hobby? what the hell is that? a homeless person?

Who cooks and who cleans up:

dean cooks, sam cleans. adam cooks, sam and dean will rock-paper-scissors for cleanup. or leave adam to do it. sam is never allowed to cook. he's a horrible cook. they'd literally rather eat out than let sam cook. sam, of course, is highly insulted, but also like...he knows dean & adam are better cooks. they just are. yes, fine, he'll wash the dishes again.

every now and then he gives it a shot. surprisingly he makes really good pancakes. he'll cook just to force one of the others to have to cleanup when he's tired of being on dish duty. dean & adam are not impressed when he tries to leverage sandwiches for dish duty.

sam, somewhat sloshed on a saturday night will be like, guys! guys! hey why don't i make us food and dean and adam are like, duuuuuude. ...wait, no. sam- and he's like, no, guys, i got this, and brings them microwave burritos. and THEN they're like hey! no! this does NOT mean we're doing dishes!

Well, Supernatural is actually ending and I don't know what I'll do

[ Brevity is not a strong suit of mine since I've included personal details but there's stuff I feel everyone in the SPN family needs to read]

You might be expecting another post about how Supernatural saved someone's life and how devastated they will be when it ends because they've watched it for so long as well as how the actors have impacted their lives. This is probably one of those but please hear me out.

Supernatural premiered in 2005 and I was in preparatory class (aged 5 years and was before I began 1st grade). I heard of it because my aunt would watch it time to time so I'd also tried to get some peeks myself but I wasn't allowed to because it was "too scary".

Then our local cable began to show seasons 1-5 and that was when everyone in class started watching and quoting it. This was in 6th grade and I was frustrated because I knew about it before most of them yet they acted like it was a new show. I had a fair idea about the story but once I began watching it, I fell in love with it and loved it like a part of my soul.

Yes, Jensen Ackles was my first crush but I still thought (and do think) that both he and Jared are super hot. So I was sucked into this vortex, this Neverland which I never thought I would end.

I joined Tumblr for this show in 2013 because I saw the jokes about there being a Supernatural gif everywhere and wanted to be a part of the fandom/community. This was also the year I actually became interested what other fans felt though I never used this site properly until 2016 I would read the IMDb discussion boards because I hated scurrying through Destiel-infested posts.

(Fun fact:I wasn't using any social media of my own but on my mother's Facebook I liked a Supernatural fan page asking people's opinions on Destiel. This is was around the time season 8 was just finishing or had already finished so I read the comments--- people talked about Dean and Castiel being gay and didn't approve of it as there was this one girl who was conservative and didn't believe in homosexuality while others went on how Dean was always a ladies man which I agreed with. Not that I commented but I thought there was something I missed and I thought Castiel used Dean as a vessel, thus Destiel.)

But I digress. I was in deep by the time season 9 premiered and majority of the people I knew stopped watching the show except for this girl who bullied me throughout preschool who put up this update that Dean had become a demon. I doubt she watches the show now but it was hard seeing her put pictures of "I heart Dean Winchester" and pictures of Jensen when my mom asked me why I don't do the same.

Supernatural, I feel, has become that embarrassing thing you are into in middle school but suddenly drop when you're older, looking back and thinking, "Yeesh, I can't believe I used to watch this show."

I'll be a grown woman at 30 or 40 and probably eventually in my 70s and 80s but I will still look back fondly, the good, the bad and the ugly because I have like many teenagers have undergone many changes (friends, family, emotions, hobbies etc) but Supernatural has always been this constant in my life.

Because let me tell you, I'm seeing these posts saying stuff like how people are glad that it's finally over with its "bullshit" and that's it's dying. That is extremely disrespectful and insensitive to those people who literally live for it, who have invested time and money into it: gif makers, artists, meta writers (I may not agree with you guys but even you count). They don't know what to do once the show ends because it has helped them in ways others will never ever be able to fathom.

I saw the video put up by the guys. I saw and I could tell that Jared, Jensen and Misha had probably cried their guts out before the announcement because their eyes were red and puffy. Jared was controlling himself by talking less as Jensen was clearly on the verge as well but yes they said that they should save the angst for next year.

I love the guys; I love Jared being a goofball and Jensen being equally goofy as well and I'll say this too, I used to enjoy some of Misha's crass jokes (not the highlight ) as well which was why I looked forward to the gag reel every summer (because of J2) because it was cathartic after a traumatic season finale. I love the witty banter and the pranks the cast would do and I will miss it tremendously.

I have some issues with my aunt but everything would be okay when we would fawn over the guys and bingewatch the entire season the summer after it finished airing. We'd quote quotes back and forth and even spiritually killed ourselves watching short clips of "Sammy, close your eyes", "I'm proud of us" etc. Hell, she even promised me that when we go visit my uncle in the States we'd attend a con together.

If, and whenever we do go, it'll be different because the show won't be on air anymore and I know for a fact that I won't feel the anticipation of an episode.

So don't say disrespectful and callous things like "fucking finally". You can dislike the cast/plotline/show but don't ridicule and mock those who invested in the show,some of you are most probably speculating and have barely seen it.

I'm not some dumb, blind fan. I can see some stupid mistakes and don't always eat up what the writers show. For example, everyone must have figured that I dislike Destiel because it's based on groundless assumptions. I thought the Bloodlines was a crap idea that had nothing to do with the main plot and knew it was destined to fail.

As for Wayward Daughters/Sisters or whatever the fuck it was supposed to be called, I was not looking forward to it at all because it was one of those "forced diversity" shows, y'know gender bent stuff.

I felt that they were bastardising everything that Supernatural has and will (always) stand for because some people had a hair up their backsides. Yeah, I loathed Claire and that Kaia mourning thing was bullshit. Thank goodness I was sick that day and couldn't keep my eyes open for that episode.

If we were told that there would be a Men of Letters(with Henry Winchester) or even a Bobby-Rufus spinoff I would be okay with that but for now since the show will finish next year let's the wounds heal first, shall we?

I hope that Jared and Jensen get some offers once the show is done and I will pay good money to see movies, TV shows of them etc but for now I will keep quiet since I hope we get an ending we (and the boys) deserve.

Yes, the writer situation scares me and I think they should call Eric Kripke for a last hurrah. I mean, it is his baby and he should get to have a say in the series finale as well as J2.

Will one of the brothers die and the other will live (I'm worried we'll get a reverse Swan Song)? Will they both die leaving Cas behind and Jack as some sort legacy who trains future hunters? That would be a possibility since the sheriff in 14.16 asked the Winchesters why they don't tell people about monsters. What happens to Baby?

I seriously doubt the ending will be happy(maybe not 100%) but the best thing would be if they go driving with Baby into the sunset...

Dean at the steering wheel with Sam riding shotgun, where they should be ---- where they will always be, home. Dean plays his "mullet rock" as Sam would playfully mock his brother's musical choices. No chick flick moments. Just the Winchesters.

The boys need to lay their weary heads to rest, so they can cry no more. Because they are the legendary Winchesters, the hunters who saved the world countless times unbeknownst to many. I don't think their work will ever be done but there will be peace when they are done and how they will reach that point we'll never know till 2020.

Everyone will hear "Carry on wayward son" for the last time ever in Supernatural over a painful montage of "Dad's gone on a hunting trip and he hasn't been home in a few days" and "Saving people, hunting things, the family business". Now who in this fandom wouldn't be wracked with pain?

This is the show we all joked about that made a deal with the devil to never go off air but I did expect this a long time ago. Only thing was that I didn't know how I'd treat the news. I was that person who would go, "pfft, of course Supernatural would get renewed". Then again, this was the show that an ending was imminent and the whole season 4 debacle about Misha and the angel storyline saving the show blah blah blah.

So next year, everyone will flock to see the finale and epic conclusion to the Winchester saga whether they stopped at season 5,6,7 or 10,12. Diss it all you want for the shit show it may have become but wherever you left off, you may still want to know what happens to Sam and Dean Winchester in the end.

Once Supernatural ends, I'll turn 20 next summer and I would like to think of it being poetic that I end my adolescence with a show I have loved when I brave the cold, ruthless world of adulthood. I'm a picky person and can't say what's my favorite xyz is but you know what I'll say about my favorite TV show.

We will have completed 327 episodes which is the highest for a scifi TV show so I do hope the boys get some sort of recognition. It was us crazy bitches and jerks that gave the show the mileage and it was us that gave Jared and Jensen faith that they could carry on so for the remainder of season 14 and for 15,support these guys. Support these annoyingly sexy and ridiculously hilarious dudes for this show. I'm sure Jared and Jensen love the show like it's their kid practically but I wish everyone would just shut up, tinhatters, bronlies, stans, destihellers because we are all fans of the one show so let's ease the time we have left.

But seriously imagine Sam and Dean on a desert highway, the orange and yellow rays of the setting sun make Baby shine in all her splendor which makes Dean swell with pride. He starts the engine with a low rumble and they're off. They might to California to feel the sand beneath their feet or to Disneyland. They're living the "apple pie life" and this is their personal heaven : with each other.

I wouldn't mind this playing in the background if the ending is the inevitable and unspeakable you know what :

It's wishful thinking, since I wish they'd actually play some Zeppelin instead of song titles being used as episode titles but I wish they could use some Queen or Guns n Roses and stuff before 1979 because everything sucked ass afterwards according to Dean.

I want the classic rock resurgence in the show as well but I know they'll end up using the cash elsewhere. I wouldn't mind a body swap episode but if wishes were horses, right?

NCT MAFIA pt. 1

so imma start it with this so it will be easier to understand the story and roles of each member.

also, this is how i see the members and how i fit them into the roles based on their mvs, and 127 from their regular irregular teasers yeah.

NOW when i mean family, i mean because they're really close friends. They treat each other like brothers.

〜〜〜〜〜〜〜〜〜〜

LEE TAEYONG - THE LEADER/BOSS

taeyong is one of the youngest leaders in the mafia world. his capability with handling a 21 member family, no one ever thought he could pull it off. ever since his father was framed and sent to prison when he was 18, taeyong was devastated and didn't stop from claiming his throne, reaching to the top of the food chain; building businesses, brutally killing and assassinating enemy criminal gangs, and even making alliances with most powerful mafias in the country.  

he leads nct with an iron fist and makes sure everyone knew who the hell they were and what they are capable of doing. taeyong does not hesitate to put people below them into their place. taeyong's team work as normal business men by day, but a ruthless killing mafia by night. now they’re eliminating their enemies and traitors one by one, swearing by his grave that he will hunt the men who framed his father and crush them all into ashes.

“ please baby don’t stop, it just feels so right... it feels so nice. give it to me and satisfy your master. “

JUNG JAEHYUN - THE UNDERBOSS

the boss' right hand man. jaehyun had known taeyong ever since they were kids, along too with doyoung. he's in-charge of the family in case taeyong goes out of country to handle their foreign deals and affairs. sometimes he also goes along with taeyong to his foreign business if the job is too big for the boss.

jaehyun is taeyong's most trusted among all the members, since he's in charge of receiving every single information there is to know. jaehyun is hard and stern when it comes to the family business, he ALWAYS and i mean ALWAYS fixes past issues and problems of the family to make sure taeyong focuses on the current ones.

jaehyun hates seeing his members either injured or defensless just because they're in positions where they don't do any physical damage to anyone; like the hackers and medics. this is where jaehyun loves to discipline the youngsters, they're kind of like his kids when he's training them. along with taeil and yuta, they train the young ones the art of handling guns and martial arts.

he makes sure everyone is prep and ready for anything that could happen.

“ i know you want it baby, only follow my voice. get to feel the my breath and let me touch you. “

MOON TAEIL - THE WEAPONS EXPERT/SUPPLIER

he may look like the soft type and the non violent type, but oh, do not underestimate him nor do not judge him by how he acts. his reaction time during duels is the most intense thing you'll ever see. guns, knives, or any weapon in the hands of this guy is known to be the most deadliest thing in the mafia world. taeil is the family's body guard, protecting them from any danger that comes. however, taeyong doesn't approve of this so he requests that he trains them along with yuta and jaehyun.

his hands are lighting fast. one moment your gun could be hidden in any place of your body, then next thing they're right onto the palm of his hands. taeil does not joke about his specialty, he handles them like they were diamonds and uses them with no hesitation. with taeyong or jaehyun's word, he kills. cold blooded.

“ your warmth keeps me at ease, touch me more. tell me more. you keep me from wanting to destroy you, to wreck you..”

KIM DOYOUNG - THE CONSIGLIERE

known to be nct's most intelligent member, and taeyong's right hand man. doyoung is always with him 24/7 in meetings and in private missions, it's like he's his royal adviser. doyoung is also the one who gives taeyong and the family information about who they are going to strike and what they're known for.

doyoung's additional responsibility is representing the boss and the underboss in important meetings both within the boss' crime family and with other crime families. doyoung is also the only one who can argue with taeyong and challenges him when needed to ensure subsequent plan is unbeatable.

“ my mouth will make you fall for me, the moment you feel the heat of my breath, the words i say... you’ll start breaking down “

JOHNNY SEO - THE STRATEGIST

his mind is filled up of blueprints of buildings and structures from missions, two-three glances of the layout; he memorizes and recognizes everything like the back of his hand. johnny would be able find blindspots, hideouts, and emergency exits easily during their missions.

along with doyoung, he is also only the one who can argue with the boss about the plans made to ensure that it flows smoothly and flawlessly. he also talks to taeil about what kind of weapons to use to have the advantage of the element of surprise or how brutal and violent the mission needs to get. johnny needs to be 3 steps ahead of their rivals. he needs to be more advanced in strategizing, so he works with jungwoo and haechan to look for weaknesses and more information about them. 

“ i won’t hold back baby, everything is up to me. you make me lose all control... you’re all mine. “

NAKAMOTO YUTA - THE ASSASSIN (MARTIAL ARTS)

a deadly man with deadly intentions. japan's number one hitman joins one of new york city's deadliest mafia. yuta is a silent man. only speaking when spoken to. jaehyun says it’s the abuse that traumatized his personality to push himself to become better and to give positive and satisfied reactions from his bosses. yuta is ruthless and aggressive when it comes to doing business, even after, he goes to his room to shut himself and meditate. 

however, thanks to the young ones, he’s become less uptight and less “anti-social” from the family. 

yuta is also entrusted to run and handle their casinos, clubs, and oil companies in Japan, he handles the weaponry and investments within the businesses and transports them back to taeil and winwin. yuta recruits associates and trains mercenaries to give and transport them to other allied criminal gangs who are in need of protection. in addition to his jobs there, he’s still in the hitman business even if he’s join the mafia; taeyong says it helps yuta put himself back up, to help his people. 

yuta may seem cold and stoic, but he’s not heartless.

“ yes, my hands could crack your skull in one go. however i wouldn’t want to hurt such an innocent beautiful face. “

MARK LEE - THE ASSASSIN (SNIPER)/HEIR TO THE MAFIA

his eyes are eagle like, he could spot and shoot his enemy from a mile away. mark is a silent man during missions, only leaves and talks once his job is done. focus is key when it comes to mark, he needs all of the focus he needs to make sure his assassination is flawless. he’s very aggressive but not as like yuta. mark collects a variety of snipers, thanks to taeil, below his bed- in a secret compartment. His personal favorite are long ranged, he feels like he has god’s eye stalking every move of everyone he can see in a far distant. mark uses that advantage to notify his members and warn them if they’re nearby. 

mark lee is taeyong’s heir in their mafia business. his dear little brother. ever since their father was sent to prison, taeyong has been disciplining and also training his brother how to be mature enough to handle a vast family- half are even teenagers. mark is expected by the eldest to prove himself worthy of the family and to see true enough if mark can carry the family business and name into a dynasty. 

“ grind on me baby, yeah. we’ve got a long ass ride ahead of us... take your time. “

LEE DONGHYUCK - THE EMISSARY/GAMBLER

his way with words could really trick you, very friendly with people. heachan likes to play with his victim for a little while before getting to his job. His technique is encouraging his victim to drink more of the strongest alcohol in the bar/club, then he’ll act as if he was as drunk as his victim is, after that he’ll become as friendly as possible- confusing their minds, playing a little bit of casino games with them, and once he has their full trust, he’ll start to suck up and get them to talk the information out of them. haechan loves it, after he’s done getting the information he needs, his rivals are starting realize what’s happened then he slits their throat.

now he hates it when his enemies start to figure him out, like they know what’s he’s about to do and they’re cautious about him. he’ll make a joke out of it then he’ll drag them into a janitor’s closet or a private room then call jaemin to help him. together they’ll force the information out of them; they’ll torture and make them beg their life until they give up.

“ darling i could keep going and going, but know that i am a very impatient man. so those pretty little lips should be able to spill words that i want to hear.... right now. “

DONG SI CHENG - THE FINANCIAL ADVISER

winwin will do anything to protect the mafia's money, his duty in this family is to ensure that they won’t go bankrupt, to make sure that they’re spending with a reasonable price. even if they’re a famous mafia, he believes that the money doesn’t just magically appear out of nowhere. winwin can’t handle the way they- specifically the youngsters, spend too much money on weapons they possibly don’t need and go to clubs, always reminding them that they’re not the ones making the money they have in their pockets. basically winwin is a parent towards them.

he also supervises the amount of money in the business, obviously head of the financial department. winwin makes sure all deposits and transported money are placed into their individual vaults and the company’s bank. winwin is also in charge of making money within dirty side of the mafia world; money laundering, selling illegal drugs, loan sharking, and extortion. along with the bosses of course.

“ no donghyuck, you can’t just buy a huge chunk of pork belly just because you want to. “

KIM JUNGWOO - THE SPY/GAMBLER

the seducer in the team, he’s specialty of seducing women for information made him the best, haechan being second, man for the job. jungwoo heels them with his words and good looks- sure the others are good looking too, but they’re too obvious and stiff. jungwoo is an a-list actor, he’s flawless and leaves no information about himself to anyone; he has many covers and fake names for himself to truly hide who he really is. 

unlike haechan, he doesn’t kill his victims. he hates harming women- all of them do. however, jungwoo just gives him to either taeil or yuta to do the job. he takes them to the mansion and drags them into their basement where the two executioners do their business, then jungwoo leaves. 

“ baby i don’t wanna hurt you, i really don’t, but these two will. so start spilling your words or i’ll continue for them to torture you- and i can’t stop them when they start... “

*slapping knees* gUESS WHO HAS A MOTHA FUCKIN' ANGST PROMPT? This guy! So so so imagine middle aged erejeans in which they're getting older and Jean is still super scared that Eren will one day stop loving him (I'm going to draw a thing for my idea, but I may as well leave a prompt before it leaves my head)

Dude, this was so hard to write? I noticed I’ve actually never written from the perspective of a middle aged character before and I had to concentrate so hard to get into a fitting mindset? Anyway, I hope it somewhat worked. Thanks for the challenge!You should definitely show me your art when it’sa done so I can link it in this post!

The years had been kind to Eren. Itwasn’t that they’d flown by without leaving their mark, of coursethey had. But with every change, every tiny, additional imperfectionEren grew more striking and unique. The silver streaks in his darkhair suited him just like the laughter lines around his mouth andeyes did. Even the scars he’d collected over the years and yearsworking at the fire department were beautiful badges of honour hewore with pride. Not even the difficult years after his accidentwhere he’d almost died trapped in a burning building and developedserious Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder afterwards had managed toleave lingering shadows on his soul and mind. He still had nightmaressometimes and was uncomfortable in small rooms but he’d learned todeal with the intrusions that had gotten much rarer and look out forhimself in unfamiliar situations. Eren was strong andgorgeous and so full of life. He was happy. And that was reallyeverything Jean had ever wanted for his husband. To see him happy andcontent with the life they had built together.But at the sametime it was so much harder than expected. To have someone beside himwho was this vibrant and energetic and gorgeous, someone who madeeveryone around them light up with joy and fascination. Someone whowas kind and loving and smart and deserved so much better.Jeanhadn’t aged nearly as well as Eren had. His hairline was thinningmore with every passing month, his eyesight had worsened considerablyover the last few years and his body … well, all the sitting aroundat the office sure didn’t do him any favours. He’d grown thin andweak, fingers bony and knees knobbly, the lean muscle he’d once beenproud of melted away by long hours of overtime and laziness. He couldbarely stand looking in the mirror.But it wasn’t just that. Jeanwas … boring. He knew that. Of the hundreds of things he’d foundinteresting thirty years ago there was barely anything left. He wasinterested in work, which was a silver lining in his grey everydaylife. Then there were the handful of shows he enjoyed and followed.He liked good whiskey. He liked documentaries about nature andwildlife. He liked Eren. Besides that there wasn’t much. He wasalso sarcastic and bitter about a lot of things. Politics, education,art. How any of their family members even tolerated him was amystery.How Eren could still stand to be married to him, anenigma.“Maddie called earlier”, Eren said over the loudbubbling noises coming from the stove. He was preparing soup fordinner and busied himself cutting a few slices of fresh bread whileit cooked.Jean looked up from the article in his businessmagazine that he hadn’t caught a single word of.“Yeah?”, hehuffed, watching his husband across the kitchen island. “How isshe? Still with that loser, what’s his … Chad?”“Brad”,Eren corrected him, one side of his lips quirked up and Jean rolledhis eyes. Right, Brad. Pathetic frat boy.“She’s fine andyes, she’s still with Brad. But she called about the loan contractfor her apartment? I told her you’d call her back…” Jean grumbledquietly, mentally going over his schedule. “I’ll … call herThursday around lunch time?”“She called me Papa, I think it’surgent”, Eren grinned. He was still clinging on to his image ofMaddie as their little girl the way they’d first met her. Seven yearold spitfire and constant pain in their asses. They loved her dearlyand she’d learned to love them right back. Twenty years later nothinghad changed, really. “After dinner then”, Jean gave inand got a wide smile in return, the way the skin crinkled aroundEren’s eyes now would always make his heart stop for a second or two.“Thanks, darling.”Eren finished with the bread and putthe slices into a little basket they’d bought a few summers agoduring their vacation in Italy. “Is everythingalright?”When Jean looked up from his magazine again Eren wasleaning across the kitchen island, handsome face dangerously closeand studying him with that intense gaze. Jean swallowed and leanedaway from him a bit. He could barely open his mouth to answer whenEren furrowed his brows and shook his head.“Don’t you dare feedme bullshit. You’ve been grumpy the last few days. Well, grumpierthan usual…”Jean squinted at him even though the littlelaugh Eren tacked onto the words was quite disarming. But what was heeven supposed to answer? ‘Could you stop being so damn amazing so Idon’t feel like shit next to you’? Hardly the way to begin thisdiscussion. But was there really an alternative? Should he even talkabout this?They’d been over his insecurities time and time again.He wasn’t a teenager anymore, nor an inexperienced freshman and itwas definitely too late for a midlife crisis…“’m fine”,he grumbled instead, eyes flicking back down to the pages he couldswear he’d never seen before.For a moment it felt like Eren wouldprotest, insist, press on. He knew Jean way too well and there was noway he’d accept this without a fight. Then there was a low,thoughtful hum and Eren pushed himself away from the kitchen islandto stroll over to the calendar hung on the wall.“We shouldgo dancing Saturday night”, he said, his voice light and pretty.“I’m not on call on Sunday, so…” When Jean looked over at hishusband his eyebrows were dancing and Jean always laughed.“Dancing?”, he asked, incredulous. They hadn’t been out todance in … years, probably. “Where, the community centre? Maybethey’ll let us play bingo before. But we’ll need to take care to notthrow out your hip…” Eren snorted but shook his head.“Comeon, we’re not that old!”“We’re … pretty old, Eren”, Jeangrumbled. He could already feel his stomach sink at the thought ofpeople looking at them, wherever they might end up going. Wonderinghow someone as lively and beautiful as Eren could end up with someoneas dull and ugly as Jean…There was a hand curling aroundhis, tugging him off the bar stool, gentle but insisting.“Nottoo old for this”, Eren smirked as he pulled Jean close. The way hepositioned their hands said he’d let Jean lead but the pull of hisbody showed the opposite, sweeping them around the kitchen andtwirling around Jean to a silent tune.Just like that the memoriescame back. Nights spent in dirty bars and clubs, sweating and slidingand spinning until sunrise. Then, later, ballroom dance at fancy workevents and weddings, at their wedding…Jean swallowed, his chestpulling tight around his heart. He had to hold on to this, thisfeeling, this amazing man, and enjoy their time together for howeverlong he still could. Before Eren understood how pointless wasting histime with Jean was. Before he’d leave to find someonebetter.“Saturday night, then”, he forced out and Eren’sanswering smile was blinding.“I love you, you grumpy old man”,he grinned as he suddenly dipped Jean. It wasn’t as low as it hadbeen years and years ago, but his hands were still warm and broad,his body strong and steady. Jean felt his eyes slide closed.“Loveyou too, idiot…”, he muttered and moments later soft lips pressedagainst his as Eren pulled him upright again.[If you enjoyed this story, please consider buying me a coffee

No worries. :) You needed to talk about it. I've lost good memories as well. For years I kept saying I wish dad had been the one to take care of my brother and I instead of my mother because that was all I remembered but he took care of us for 4 years and I had no memory of it. Then one day out of nowhere, I started remembering it. I don't have all of my memories back from those years but they're coming. The same thing can happen for you. I hope it does. You deserve it. -F.N.B

I like, reread my response to you earlier and I wanna thank you for having the patience to decipher that because it is hardly the most articulate thing in the world and the first part doesn’t make the most sense. The more emotional I am, however, the harder it is for me to properly formulate a sentence - and I’m not the best at that when I’m sound of mind. 

I really truly appreciate your asks today anon. 

My parents think I have issues with repressing my emotions, and honestly, they’re right. And I should talk about things, and you’re right - I definitely needed to get this out. I spoke for hours with my mum earlier and part of me hates myself because there are somethings in life that you go through that you don’t want your parents to know. Not because you’ve done anything wrong, but because they brought you into this world hoping for the best, and- and when something horrific happens and you tell them… The effort my mum went to earlier to try and remain calm and supportive, it hurts knowing that she obviously wanted to respond a certain way but couldn’t. She didn’t bring me into this world for me to have gone through those things.

But life’s shit. 

Shitty things happen. And it’s just shit.

I’m glad to know that I might get the good memories back, because I think I need them. I don’t wanna go through life thinking I’ve intentionally avoided touch for almost a decade when it hasn’t been that long at all. But it still, it fucks with my head knowing that right now my head is filled with all these altered (and effectively fake) memories. Ones my mind have created for no real reason. Because I cannot find any logical reason as to why my mind would erase those memories to ‘protect me’. I understand removing the bad memories from the bad time, but good memories?? it’s stupid.

And I’m glad, I’m so glad to hear that you’re getting your good memories back and that you’re healing. Everyone deserves a chance to heal, and I don’t know who you are or what you’ve experienced but whatever happened I’m so glad its in your past (not that it happened, obviously, because no one deserves to go through any kind of abuse) and that you’re moving forward and healing. 

My problem, first and foremost, always has been that I like denial. I live in it. It’s the easiest way for me to deal with everything and anything, but in the end it just makes things so much worse. It’s a flaw, I suppose. One that keeps biting me in the ass, and while I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s all subconscious and I have little, if any, control over it, it’s also starting to cause me a lot of issues. Issues I can’t really overcome if I’m so deep in denial half my teenage memories are fake. 

I suppose I’m just in the midst of an existential crisis at the moment.

I don’t handle emotions well, if that isn’t all too obvious. I like to run from them or shove them down and pretend every things just fine. That’s always been me, just fine. And this… I don’t handle the knowledge of me not being fine too well, and it’s even worse when the people I know irl know that I’m not fine. 

Again, venting. But I’d like to think this isn’t as much of a freight-crash as my last response. I’ve had a little time to nap, come to terms with certain aspects, go through half an existential crisis about myself and life in general, just exist I suppose. And I’m feeling a little better.

I know things will slowly start to slot back into place for me. That I’m slowly pulling my life back together and that it’ll help me recover.

Not fix myself, because I know I’ll never be fixed. My aunt went through something similar - not that I know all the details on that situation, but I’ve pieced things together over the years with the slipped information - and I know that she still struggles sometimes. That there are days where she’s stuck in the past, and it’s been almost 30 years for her.

But she’s happy, and feels as whole as she thinks she’s ever going to be. 

She carries a lot of anger about her situation - my mum said - and, I suppose that scares me. I don’t want to be angry about what happened to me. I won’t forgive, and the universe knows I’ll never fucking forget. But to carry anger throughout my life… I’m not an angry person, and I don’t want a traumatic time in my life to change that. 

But I don’t think it’ll be something I can be at peace with either.

Can I ask, if it’s not too personal, how you feel about what happened to you? Because I don’t think I know what emotion I feel at the moment other than weak. And I know that won’t be the emotion I’ll feel in relation to the situation forever, and from the sounds of things you’re further along in your recovery than I am. 

Again, thank you. I truly, truly appreciate these asks. And I know I’m writing massive emotional essays, but I’ve always found writing therapeutic. Maybe it’s messy and stupid and shitty like my last response, but it helps me clear my mind.

I suppose, rather than the shitty letters I generally write myself - with no focus other than the overpowering emotion - your asks have at least given me a focus, aha.