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neurodiversebones · 3 years

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autistic brennan !!!

in my autistic opinion... here you go. a SLIGHTLY more organized version of what i have dropped in the DMs of anyone who is willing to listen, copy and pasted from a google doc i have so eloquently named "bones is fucking autistic" !!

this headcanon is like. 95% confirmed, which kind of makes my heart do a little "!!!" <3 idk brennan means a Lot to me and always did as a young autistic afab person :-) so here you go !! (under the cut)

okay SO here is my explanation for my headcanon, explained in bullet points- this took up multiple google docs pages so i hope you're ready

emotional display:

has absolutely zero poker face- we see this frequently. there are too many instances to count where she cannot hide her facial expressions !! it is also referenced by booth in late season 8, and i think a few other characters have mentioned it throughout the series?

this is especially in the earlier seasons, but her response to stress and trauma is Very Neurodivergent. she rarely has an outward response- it's so rare to see her cry before season 7/8 ?? this could also definitely be a trauma thing but like,,, trauma symptoms and autistic traits are unfortunately hard to differentiate between because autistic people tend to go through more traumatic situations

not exactly emotional display, but similar- she clearly has alexithymia, or something of the sort (basically, she struggles to recognize her own emotions). this is exhibited a few times- the one i can remember right now is "i don't understand what i'm feeling" "you understand happy, right?" (conversation with angela, season 9). this is actually something i have rarely seen in a character- at least not done well. it makes me very happy !!!

empathy:

she struggles to understand why others would think differently than her- her view of the world is Correct in her eyes, and she finds it difficult to look from someone else's point of view. this frequently ends in her criticizing those around her- her view of the world is incredibly black and white, so when others disagree with her, she believes they must be wrong.

extension of the black and white thinking- she doesn't understand concepts, no matter how hard she tries. she needs evidence and proof. examples of this would be her views on god/religion, love (pre-season 6), and marriage (pre-season 8)

despite her lack of empathy toward people, she exhibits a lot of empathy toward animals. this is actually a really common autistic trait?? examples of this would be her emotional attachment to the dogs in 4x04, or her explosive reaction to finding out the tiger was killed in 8x04

social/conversational skills:

this is probably her most obvious and easily recognizable autistic trait- it's what made me go "she's autistic" after watching a few episodes

she does not understand jokes or sarcasm very well- she frequently gets confused by jokes, explaining why they aren't funny or don't make sense, especially pop culture jokes. when she does understand jokes or pop culture references, she gets very excited and explains them out loud, even though everyone around her already understands (just adding- i love this so much ?? her explaining jokes is Very Cute. i'm sorry i'm a simple gay who can't go ten minutes without declaring my love for her)

struggles with small talk and social niceties- this is used as a joke in nearly every episode. she doesn't do small talk well- preferring to talk about topics that are actually important or interest her. she doesn't see the need for most social conventions either, which leads to her frequently being seen as rude.

she misses social cues in conversations- she frequently brings up topics that are probably not Appropriate for the setting (talking about dead bodies in a restaurant, talking about sex while standing over a dead body, etc.)

she is incredibly literal, and doesn't understand metaphorical speak. this goes hand in hand with the not understanding jokes- she takes many phrases at face value, sometimes confusing others

tone:

she frequently comes off as cold or blunt without meaning to be- many people read her as "heartless" or just uninterested because of the way she speaks, even when she is very invested.

i don't know how to explain this other than her speaking pattern is Very Autistic- the way she pauses mid sentence all the time, the facial expressions she makes while speaking, it's all autism babey !!!

intense focus on one topic:

okay it's very obvious that her special interests are forensics and anthropology

she gets hyperfocused, often losing herself in her work and putting herself through the ringer for it. she puts her work above (almost) everything, and has stated on multiple occasions that she would be nothing without her work.

she often explains the things around her with references to anthropology and ancient civilizations- she uses these references to explain her feelings, the situations she's in, and frequently, to solve crimes. things make sense to her when she thinks about them like this.

not engaging with peers in an "expected" way:

she is often showed to have difficulty getting close with people- she doesn't like showing emotion to others, and would rather just talk about the task at hand. this could very well be explained by her trauma background- but i believe it's probably a bit of both.

she finds it difficult to bond with her peers over common things, like pop culture, and rather talks about work or other things. she doesn't open up to a lot of people, even those who she is incredibly close with.

other/misc.:

stimming !! this doesn't have enough instances to get its own section, but i like to interpret that wonder woman scene as vestibular stimming, purely because i love to spin and jump !!!!

detail oriented, to the point of obsession. it's common for autistic people to get caught up in the details of things, which she definitely does.

views on sexuality differ from the "norm"- she is very critical of monogamy during the first half of the series, and does not see the point in marriage. also she's definitely arospec, just putting that out there <3

i am autistic and i love her therefore i'm right

final notes:

i think she's one of my favourite autistic characters to exist- i usually despise the socially awkward detective trope, but it's handled well here. the people around her don't expect her to change the innate aspects of who she is- rather, they love her unconditionally (even if they are exasperated at times- which is natural to feel with people that you love)

i very much like that they didn't go with the socially awkward + smart = unattractive trope either- she knows that she's hot, and so do the people around her. i'm so sick of nerdy girls not being allowed to be hot 😭 especially when it comes to autistic-coded characters- let autistic people have sex lives 2k21

she just,,, holds a very special place in my heart. as an undiagnosed autistic afab kid, she meant a lot to me. i saw a woman on screen who was smart like me and sometimes confused people because of her intelligence, who didn't really get social situations, who didn't know how to express how she felt. she was like me- and she loved herself, and people loved her. she's a very important character to me and has been since i was really young <3

thank you SO MUCH to anybody who read this- brennan is the loml and i will infodump about her until the end of time

#bones tv #bones on fox #temperance brennan #bonestv #brennan #emily deschanel #autistic headcanon #autistic pride #actuallyautistic #autistic brennan #autistic bones #autistic characters #autism #autistic #neurodivergent #my headcanons

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imthepunchlord · 3 years

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Adrien’s Best to Least

Marinette, Alya, Nino, Kagami

Alright, officially four seasons in, we got more on Adrien which wound up to be... something. Let’s get this character study going covering his best to least fit. I apologize if this comes out on the side of salty, trying to be as neutral as possible, but be ready for his issues to be addressed.

Adrien is a complicated character in his set up, but Adrien himself is not a complex individual. He is, quite literally, one of the more straight forward characters in this show, and is quite stagnant and unchanging. And that is more the fault of the writers who don’t want to change him at all and deem him to be “perfect” while ignoring any flaws. Looking at him as a character without the narrative to act in his favor, there’s actually quite a struggle for him miraculous wise, but two seem to suit him best.

His best are Turtle and Peafowl. Turtle meets the core who he is, working off his strengths, where he likes to be in the field, and his instincts. And this miraculous actually offers him the growth he really needs, while keeping true to who he is. Peafowl it turn can best adjust to his style and needs, his want to be flashy and dynamic.

Adrien at the core is a protector, supporter, and follower. Being an incredibly reckless and active character, he thrives to be in the front lines, and has largely always prioritized his partner’s safety over his own, which has become problematic behavior at this point. But that’s what you want for a Turtle, someone who’s ready to be on the front lines and is being conscious of their allies. And out of the 5, this suits him best in who he is and how he works.

The growth potential comes from the limits of his protection as Shelter can only be used once, and he has to be conscious about timing and how to use it. And typically, Adrien does have good responsive instincts for when he needs to be a protector. While this won’t stop him from diving in, it can afford him more means to do so while also keeping himself safe and in the fight, and it can shape him up to be smarter in how he protects others. This miraculous also counts for self-protection and ideally can get it into his head that his safety matters to.

Overall, I do see Adrien and Wayzz getting along as Wayzz is friendly, engaging, and will adapt and adopt quirks of his humans so he can quickly bond with them. This sets up for him to click with his kwami a lot sooner, and with Wayzz being a more serious and responsible kwami than Plagg, this can set up Adrien to respect and listen to Wayzz. So when Wayzz calls him out on anything, Adrien is more likely to listen to him and consider his words. Wayzz is a kwami who doesn’t approve of reckless behavior, and that will address one of Adrien’s biggest issues.

With Peafowl, in comparison to Fox, would be a lot forgiving of Adrien’s quick, responsive, and straightforward thinking. When Adrien makes his golems, they are made with a clear purpose that they will see to. And they will function as he expects them to. This will match his want to play by his own rules, as whatever he wants can come into existence, and for sure, he’d be quite the attention grabber. This miraculous is quite flexible in battle, able to be settled on the sidelines or join the golem in combat.

Growth wise, this miraculous can inspire a spark of creativity, as while he makes golems to serve out a purpose, thought is required for them. He will also need to learn to be conscious of his resources as each golem is born from a section of his fan, and if he makes too many, he can end up weaponless.

For him and Duusu, I see them being a very energetic pair, probably borderline chaotic. Duusu would actually probably add onto his flamboyance and encourage him to really let loose and “show his true colors”. She’d also be a source of affection and support, something that he really wants. She could also have Adrien step up in maturity as she can be a goofball.

Adrien’s 2nd best is Bee. Bee can work off his energy and allow him to remain a mid-to-close-range fighter, though there are concerns to him using it which keeps this from being apart of his best, though he has enough potential and promise to use it well that keeps this from joining the worst.

Bee will have a lot of the same appeals as Cat that makes this manageable for Adrien. It is direct, involved, allows him to be a teamplayer, and has an aggressive power. But while it has the same appeals to Cat, it has the same issues as Adrien can be reckless with his power and has activated Cataclysm at the wrong time a few times which has led to issues (Aeon’s death being the most iconic example). Chances are even higher that he’d have similar issues with Venom, and be more reckless with Venom as unlike Cataclysm, this is just a temporary paralysis, not pure destruction. Cataclysm requires some level of control and consideration in use. Venom is not the same in its use, so Adrien can end up more reckless with it as there aren’t so severe consequences with it, in theory. And with his tendency to charge and Venom requires some stealth and calculation in use, chances are good that many are going to see his sting coming and prepare for it.

Growth wise, Bee can help Adrien grow as a team player, as teamwork is a big part of bee society, and while largely good, Adrien does have moments where he has struggled (like pranking his partner during a Lucky Charm use in the beginning of Refleckta, or Glaciator, rejecting to work with his partner due to her not showing up for the maybe date she said she was uncertain of making it to). And by chance he is reckless with Venom, ideally it would eventually click that he needs to be smarter in how he handles it.

Adrien and Pollen as a pair could end up very problematic or very interesting. The Bee miraculous seems more designed to be used by girls and so far, we’ve only seen Pollen work off girls, we have yet to see how Pollen would engage with a boy as her user. She could be quite critical. But playing off the assumption that Pollen will engage with Adrien the same as we’ve seen in canon with Chloe, this would not be a good match as Pollen would essentially enable Adrien, and I don’t see him prompting the same sort of growth to her as other characters could.

Adrien’s least fit are Butterfly and Fox. These two make up his greatest weaknesses: empathy and the capacity to plan before acting.

Adrien can match Butterfly as he can be very supportive and encouraging (Origins and Mayura), but the issue stems that these instances are limited both in number and in depth. Adrien can be very emotionally deaf to the needs of others, often putting his own needs over them, and has made use of guilt to manipulate people (largely Marinette, seen in Syren and Malediktator). Another big issue with Adrien and Butterfly is that Adrien himself doesn’t make connections, he doesn’t include himself in anything. To use this miraculous well, one has to be or become, quite literally, a social butterfly. This miraculous at the core is about emotion and connection, to be aware of the feelings of others, to make connections, to assist and help raise others up. It requires teamwork and being on the same page. To have the user become a leader or teammate. This is not something Adrien is known for. He in general isn’t good at getting a grasp on emotional issues, as seen in Maledicktator, not getting the happiness everyone was feeling and lectured Marientte about it. Possibilities are good that with his tendency to lecture, who can upset the wrong target and end up championless. And with how passive he can be, can it be certain that he can rein in a champion if they go out of control?

Growth wise, this does offer the most, but at the price that this is one of two that he’d really struggle with at the start. This miraculous can help him learn to branch out, make connections with others, and open his world more to making friends. But until he gets to that point, he’s going to be limited in diversity in champions and is more likely to stick to who he knows, and unfortunately, that’s not a lot. Chances are good that Chloe and Nino could be the only champions to be seen for a while and Chloe would not be inclined to share.

With Nooroo, on the surface they can be a sweet pair, but being a very gentle and soft spoken kwami, I don’t see Nooroo as a kwami that Adrien will listen to if Nooroo spoke out or voiced his concerns. Nooroo can help Adrien understand and deal with emotional situations he may not have a grasp on, but that’s not a certainty until Adrien actually listens.

Adrien can match Fox as a risk taker, someone who likes to be flashy, is playful, and wants to put on a show. But that there is where it ends. Adrien at the core is a very reactive character who likes to be in the thick of things and that’s not where Fox is supposed to be. Fox requires creativity, observation skills, and means of manipulating your audience without ever confronting them. Adrien is more offensive-oriented than a good Fox should be. He shares a similar issue with Alya that he would go with the first thing that comes to mind, whether its good or not, or even if he has all the details down needed for a good illusion. Chances are also good that (like Alya), he also waits to hear what illusion his partner may tell him to do than think of one himself. He tends to go with his gut and responds to the first thing he sees. And out of the 5, this is the one most designed to be background oriented, so him joining any fights makes things risky for him as he’s quite limited in fights. And having a Fox seen, enemies get a sense that there’s going to be an illusion soon.

This would be the 2nd to address issues of his recklessness, but would be far more punishing. If he’s determined to become a good Fox, this is going to force him to step back, observe, and think. But being so action oriented and responsive, and having this instinctive need to act rather than plan (as we really see him struggle and get frustrated in Refleckdoll), its going to take a while before he gets that patience.

Trixx and Adrien would be a pair that I see to be quite one sided. Passive as he can be, I see Trixx quite easily manipulating Adrien. And depending on one’s stance, this could be good or bad. Trixx is sharp enough to see what his humans desire, and knows what to say to change how think or change their actions. Trixx maybe the best kwami to pair with Adrien as he will assist Adrien in getting what he wants and needs, but is capable of getting Adrien to reconsider his stance or actions, which can improve Adrien’s character and his relation with others.

Between Ladybug and Cat... honestly Adrien isn’t the best fit for either of them. But if he HAS to have one... it would technically be Cat as the power is more suited to who he is. It’s up his alley, though certain aspects don’t make it ideal.

it is the same issue and risk as Bee, Adrien is very reckless and reactive. Canonly he has summoned Cataclysm too soon. And then there’s the issue of kwami. Plagg is not a good kwami match up with Adrien. Plagg isn’t a very involved kwami and he relies on his humans to self-sufficient and figure out issues themselves, largely expects a small mention will be enough. Not so with Adrien who needs a more direct personality to listen to, and by the time Plagg realizes he needs to be more direct, Adrien largely dismisses him as Plagg has set himself up as unreliable at the start.

Between the two, Tikki would be the better kwami for Adrien. She is very involved and engaging, and makes it clear when she has an issue, to a point she’d be hard for Adrien to dismiss. Though chances are slim that he would as she’d be engaging at the start unlike Plagg. Adrien can even get Tikki herself to grow as he needs clearer answers than just a simple call out, forcing her to offer up solutions and alternatives for his own actions. Tikki also would get Adrien to start involving himself in others, if not outright stepping up as a leader, be more conscious of others and help them with their issues. She would’ve been good to help Adrien branch out. Unfortunately, the Ladybug miraculous is confirmed to not be a good fit and there would be a lot of struggles for Adrien at the start.

#miraculous ladybug #adrien agreste #kwami swap #character study

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absynthe--minded · 3 years

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Beren, the Nauglamír, and Editorial Oversight

this is gonna be a long one, guys.

so one of the things that makes Christopher Tolkien’s contributions to the greater legacy of the Tolkien Legendarium so complex is that he, as the posthumous editor of his father’s works, essentially was able to declare what is or isn’t “canon” in a way that no amount of scholarship (fannish or professional) will be able to truly successfully challenge. it’s his vision of Arda that was published as the Silmarillion, and his interpretations of the Professor’s works that have come to act as the standard and the baseline. after all, the Silm’s been traditionally published and translated into many languages; it’s far more accessible than out-of-print/print-on-demand copies of the History, and reading it doesn’t require you to slog through pages and pages of commentary or to have a good solid understanding of what the story is so you can follow along with lists of bullet points outlining events timeline-style.

of course, Chris also made mistakes, and those mistakes became enshrined in canon just as surely as anything else. I and many others have discussed the Gil-galad problem (namely, that Gil-galad’s parentage is oblique and strange at best and downright contradictory at worst, and Christopher’s choice to make him Fingon’s son was an admitted error) but it’s not the only case of a decision later proving to be the wrong one.

with that background, let’s talk about Beren.

Beren and Lúthien are in an unusual position in the Legendarium as a whole. Not only are they the sole author-insert characters, they’re also uniquely positioned as moral compasses - every other person in the Silm is morally ambiguous to some degree, or does bad or questionable things; not so with these two. If Beren or Lúthien does something, it’s explicitly the right thing to do, and this is confirmed by the narrative. If someone else opposes them, that is the wrong course of action. They’re not merely protagonists who make a lot of good choices, they’re good people, and the things they do are right because of their moral fiber and nobility. Of the active agents who are developed to any great degree, they’re the least complex and the most clear-cut, and the narrative itself treats them differently from other characters, validating them and framing them as the sort of spotless heroes that are in short supply in this Age.

This characterization runs headlong into the actions Beren takes in early drafts of the story and in the published Silm, where after dwarves kill Thingol and sack Menegroth, Beren (with the help of some allies, usually either Green-elves or Ents) ambushes them and duels the Lord of Nogrod for possession of the Nauglamír, a necklace originally owned by Finrod in Nargothrond that Húrin brought to Doriath after his release from Angband. Thingol commissioned dwarven artisans to alter the piece and create a setting in it for the Silmaril that Beren and Lúthien had won for him from Morgoth, and there was a dispute about payment that escalated to violence and ended in his death at dwarvish hands. The battle, later called the Battle of the Thousand Caves, was more or less a victory for dwarvish forces, as they escaped both with the Nauglamír and several other treasures from Menegroth and they defeated Sindarin forces that set out to stop them.

In most versions of the story, Melian sends Mablung to Ossiriand to warn Beren and Lúthien of what’s happened, and essentially asks them to do something to stop the retreating dwarvish forces from reaching Nogrod, where they came from. Beren does this, killing the Lord of Nogrod himself and taking the Nauglamír and the Silmaril home to Lúthien, who then gives it to Dior, who takes it back to Doriath when he takes the throne there. This is the version of the tale that’s in the published Silmarillion, and the one that’s consistent throughout the earlier drafts that Tolkien himself wrote.

But it’s not the only version that exists.

In The War of the Jewels, which compiles versions of the story written late in Tolkien’s life, we find The Tale of Years. This is not a cohesive narrative, instead functioning (like many of the writings that make up the bulk of the History of Middle-Earth) rather like a series of bullet points mentioning and summarizing key events. It progresses chronologically, giving a sense of passing time and organization to the First Age, and it has this to say about the Nauglamír and the battle at Sarn Athrad:

“The Dwarves of Belegost and Nogrod invade Doriath. King Elu Thingol is slain and his realm ended. Melian escapes and carries away the Nauglamír and the Silmaril, and brings them to Beren and Lúthien. She then forsook Middle-earth and returned to Valinor.

Curufin and Celegorm, hearing of the sack of Menegroth, ambushed the Dwarves at the Fords of Ascar as they sought to carry off the Dragon-gold to the mountains. The Dwarves were defeated with great loss, but they cast the gold into the river, which was therefore after named Rathlóriel. Great was the anger of the sons of Fëanor to discover that the Silmaril was not with the Dwarves; but they dared not to assail Lúthien. Dior goes to Doriath and endeavours to recover the realm of Thingol.”

(This quote is taken from the latest and typed version of the Tale of Years, an earlier handwritten version exists that is shorter but includes the same relevant details.)

Christopher Tolkien elected not to use this version of events, instead choosing to maintain the earlier tale where Beren had an active role; he was never truly satisfied with this, or with the Ruin of Doriath as a whole. In the commentary to the Tale of Years he wrote that “It seemed at that time that there were elements inherent in the story of the Ruin of Doriath as it stood that were radically incompatible with ‘The Silmarillion’ as projected, and that there was here an inescapable choice: either to abandon that conception, or else to alter the story. I think now that this was a mistaken view, and that the undoubted difficulties could have been, and should have been, surmounted without so far overstepping the bounds of the editorial function.” We have, for a second time, an admission of error, though unlike the Gil-galad question there is not a specific choice singled out as a flaw.

Why am I talking about this? Well, simply, I think that the version of the story where Celegorm and Curufin attack the Dwarvish host is the one that makes the most sense, and I’m here to make my case for its adoption as fanon. I’m not trying to take a purely scholarly view - I can’t prove that Tolkien’s true vision was for this version of the text, and of course it’s only in the one draft - but as a fandom we’ve reached the consensus before that specific versions of the story are preferred, even when they only appear in a single draft (Amrod’s death at Losgar stands out as the best example).

So here’s my argument.

1. Beren is not a violent man, and having him act as a murderer is out of character.

This one is pretty simple - Beren is an outlaw fighting against Sauron, a defender of his family’s land, a nobleman in his own right, and a vegetarian who is keenly aware of what it is to be hunted and pursued. The man we’re introduced to in the other versions of the story is not someone who would answer violence with violence unless there was no other choice, and in fact he becomes less violent as the story goes on. Putting him in a position where he’s acting militarily against the Dwarves introduces elements to his character that simply don’t exist before this story. It’s inconsistent, and it also ends his life on a strange, sour note - he’s not an uncomplicated hero anymore, he’s also got blood on his hands.

2. Beren is one of the moral compasses of the Silmarillion, and having him be the one to spearhead the ambush of the Dwarves frames that act of violence in a very troubling light.

Like I said above, Beren and Lúthien are good people who do good things, and those things are good because of who’s doing them. If Beren kills the Dwarves and the Lord of Nogrod, that act becomes justifiable, and perhaps even the right thing to do, simply due to the fact that one of the two true heroes of the First Age is doing it. The narrative never frames this as a downfall or a moral event horizon for Beren, either - he made the correct decision and the consequences that come afterward aren’t things that can be blamed on him. But wholesale slaughter, even slaughter of people who do bad things, is not something Tolkien ever condones or paints in a truly positive light, so it makes more sense for it to come at the hands of people who aren’t solely positive forces. It’s thematically in line with what Tolkien does through the rest of the text, and it feels more like Arda, at least to me. I think an argument could be made that Tolkien realized that making Celegorm and Curufin the responsible party would achieve this end, and that’s why this version exists in the first place, but there’s no proof of it.

3. The Laiquendi are nonviolent, and it makes no sense for them to be involved in this fight. The Ents being involved at all is somewhat nonsensical based on what we know of them in The Lord of the Rings.

Another simple one - we don’t know much about the Laiquendi, but we know they’re not really keen on warfare or on any undue violence, so having them be Beren’s backup is a weird divergence from their presentation in the rest of the Legendarium. And the Ents are pretty universally depicted as uninvested in the wars of the incarnates, only taking action against Saruman when it becomes apparent they have no other choice - why should they care about Thingol’s death, or care enough to murder dwarves?

4. Melian’s actions make far more sense in a version of the story where she doesn’t merely abandon Doriath once she realizes Thingol is dead.

If Menegroth is already sacked, and she cannot hold the realm together on her own as its Queen without really fucking shit up with reality-warping shadow magic, her choice to abandon it after delivering the Silmaril safely to her daughter and warning her that Dior will be needed soon is far less irresponsible.

5. Celegorm and Curufin ambushing the dwarves makes more sense than any other alternative.

Of course Celegorm and Curufin were actively watching Doriath for any sign of weakness. Of course they noticed the dwarves leaving with stolen treasures, and heard rumors that Thingol was dead and his killers had the Silmaril. Given the choice of following Melian (if they even were aware of Melian’s departure) and following dwarves, of course they picked the dwarves. Their ambush and attack and slaughter is consistent with their past behavior, as is their refusal to attack Lúthien because they were scared as fuck of her.

What’s more, this also explains the Fëanorians’ refusal to attack Doriath immediately after the dwarves do - they were unsure of whether or not Lúthien was in Menegroth and ruling as its queen or acting in some capacity as Dior’s defender. Celegorm in particular isn’t the type to hesitate - he’s impulsive, and rash, and rushes into bad decisions without considering their consequences, it’s even in his name. But they waited for years, giving Dior time to marry and have children of his own, and then even sent letters rather than attack directly - and yes, some of this might have been Maedhros’s influence, or an attempt by all of them to stave off the Oath, but it’s also plausible that they were trying to figure out whether or not they’d have to take on the same woman who made fools of them before.

I, at least, think this version of the story makes the most sense, and I’ll be adopting it into my personal canon. I obviously think it’s worth advocating for on a larger scale, and I hope I’ve made a good argument for its widespread adoption.

#silmarillion meta #silmarillion #tolkien #absynthe's meta #beren and luthien

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kosakashuntaro · 3 years

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for some reason, i became obsessed with this irrelevant filler character from izumi tsubaki’s lesser known series, oresama teacher. he’s consistently forgotten by fans and ranked 2nd to last out of the student council members, but despite that, i still think he’s a great and well-written character. also, he’s super cute!

and so without futher ado— here’s my stupidly long lovemail/analysis of shuntaro kosaka. a pure 1.5k word ramble about my favorite boy!

kosaka first appears in chapter #43, introduced alongside the rest of the student council members. he’s in class 1-3, the same as yukioka komari. the first major scene we see him in is him having a bad relationship with fellow council member, kanon nonoguchi.

not gonna lie, i forgot this scene existed and i don’t like it since he touches her forcefully. it’s a setup for their relationship later on, though. at this point, kosaka and nonoguchi are both closed off and cold towards each other; aside from their animosity towards each other from their interactions, they have their own personal issues for not being good with interacting with others. nonoguchi has her problems with men stemming from childhood and kosaka just seems bad at understanding how to act properly with people in general.

kosaka’s main arc is the student festival arc, where he plays the villain, but honestly, he’s just cringy as fuck in it. i think it’s good in that it shows how damn extra he is, though-- imo, he’s the most realistically extra of the characters. he’s a 15 year old kid who thinks he’s smart just ‘cause he gets good test scores. of course he’s going to be that bitch who smiles sneakily and thinks of himself as the grandmaster of the chess game, even when his partner in crime, kawauchi, knew all along of his betrayal plan.

we don’t see much of his motivations or personality in the student festival arc as it focuses mainly on okegawa and kawauchi. all we know so far is that he’s smart, manipulative, and sneaky. seems like a typical bad guy.

until the last chapter of the arc, #51. for the first time, we see the previously cool (lol) and cunning kosaka shuntaro... nervously fretting over how to kneel in apology to his superior, miyabi hanabusa.

we learn that kosaka is obsessively reliant on instruction manuals, ever since his childhood. he’s ridiculously good at studying and always gets first place in tests at school. however, he can’t cope with unexpected changes at all. everything has to go exactly to plan or else he comes up with a different approach to completing the original plan, that isn’t always appropriate for the situation.

he’s perfectly confident in interacting with people-- that’s obvious enough throughout the student festival arc--, but he’s bad at interpreting things on the fly, once again, prone to saying things inappropriate to the time and place. kosaka has to do things in order, step-by-step, otherwise he can’t proceed.

a while back, there was a post that talked about him being autistic. to be honest, i never considered this earlier (as in a few years ago, when i first started liking him a lot). but reading back, he really is strongly coded as such, i think. so frankly, the reason i like him might be a more personal reason, but... anyway.

like with the other student council members, miyabi helps him relax and feel better, guiding him to be more carefree and open. i have mentioned this a few times, but i think it’s really wonderful that miyabi basically helped out a bunch of kids with mental issues when their problems might’ve looked small or stupid from the outside. this is also brought up in chapter #104 during the hayasaka arc, where mafuyu and hayasaka both contact him for information about miyabi. he basically says that miyabi got him to join the student council because he was worried about kosaka’s personality and wanted to stay near him for help.

honestly, kosaka is probably the one who’s most grateful to miyabi (outside of nonoguchi?) simply because he recognizes his own issues. there’s a reason why he’s the only student council member whose face you can’t see during the scene where miyabi graduates; he’s the only one of the guys who cry.

kosaka’s problem is that he can’t cope with his plans going off at all, so miyabi sends him to prank mafuyu. even though he tries to get her by making many elaborate plans, he eventually learns to just attack without plan. it ends with him stuck in a ditch and miyabi unexpectedly pranking kosaka himself.

here we see kosaka’s first genuine smile. and it’s beautiful!!! he’s a sweetheart!!! i think that the story of kosaka could’ve worked even without the student festival arc, but that establishes him as an dramatic kid who’s super smart and cunning-- and here we see him just relax for once, and be truly happy.

after this, there aren’t any more kosaka focused chapters. however, he does appear once in a while, usually with the other student council members. (he’s in the very next chapter using yui’s equipment to cross the lake. but since he usually feeds the fish, they all come to him for food...)

kosaka's bad relationship with nonoguchi is reiterated in nonoguchi's arc, chapter #71 where she beats him up for saying that all girls want a prince. it's a stereotypical thing to say either way, but nonoguchi's response about "men wanting to be princelike is self-serving" is more due to her own issues rather than about kosaka in particular. anyway, this is just to highlight that at this point, they both still have their own problems and don't get along.

the next time we see him is during the school trip arc, where, although he’s still being far too overprepared by carrying too much luggage, he seems to be getting along with his class very well. kosaka organizes his class’s schedule and accommodates for changes on the fly (when his teacher wanted to stay longer to see the sea otters), even if it annoys him a bit. it’s an improvement! he’s able to assume a role where his pedantically organized personality is a benefit. mafuyu also notes that both he and ayabe have become more carefree and open with others, with kosaka becoming “the center of class 4″.

i think this chapter, #82, is also the first time kosaka talks about yukioka. since yukioka doesn’t talk to anyone aside from miyabi, he had never heard her voice despite being a close friend. there’s not really any significance to them being besties (does there need to be?), but it does show his sense of responsibility for others since he basically takes care of her. he has more scenes with yukioka in various arcs, mostly in the miyabi graduation arc where he helps protect yukioka from aki.

speaking of that arc, like the other student council members, he gets something precious to him stolen. in this case, it’s the books that he always reads. we find out that he’s actually surprisingly good at drawing from memory despite him believing he doesn’t know how to draw without instructions. this may be partially may be some juxtaposition of him truly being ‘creative’ even though his methods are so ‘academic/scientific’ (even though i don’t believe ‘drawing well’ is what ‘creativity’ is). in my opinion, this represents his progress in general. it’s probably not just art/drawing, but he’s actually gotten better at doing most things without manuals without realizing or being aware of it.

this idea is also expanded upon with the protection of yukioka i mentioned earlier. because kosaka doesn’t have his books, he doesn’t act so formal and is instead more forceful and ‘manly’, making it easier for him to communicate with classmates. by the way, kosaka’s actually popular with the girls in his class (shown in school trip arc 1-koma), but doesn’t realize it because he can’t understand things not directly stated. what a guy...

here is a short break to talk about kawauchi. i think their relationship is hilarious. from kawauchi getting him to dig holes to kawauchi stealing his math books... i feel really sorry for kosaka, but it’s so funny... he just can’t escape him. even in the very last student council saga arc, it was kawauchi behind the scenes all along...

really they’re two characters who are heavily associated with each other and yet... i don’t think kawauchi’s relationship with kosaka says anything about his personality since kosaka was such a one-bit character during the majority of the arc where they interacted (plus kawauchi is awful to everyone). all kawauchi did was give kosaka more trust issues and broke his phone. i feel kinda mean for saying this but it’s so funny how he caused kosaka to be absolutely terrified of delinquents.

honestly kosaka like... doesn’t have a reason to be associated with kawauchi beyond the student festival event. imo it’s just a way for tsubaki to make kosaka relevant or appear once in a while since the other character he’s associated with (yukioka) got a boyfriend and doesn’t appear as often (kawauchi’s common appearances is due to his surprising popularity with fans).

enough about kawauchi though, we’re finally at the end of this long and loving post. at the conclusion of the miyabi graduation arc, the very first conflict of kosaka shown is finally resolved: he’s made up with nonoguchi!

i really love this scene so much!!! i know it’s kinda just a set-up for the next joke, but tsubaki still dedicated over a page just to nonoguchi and kosaka, so it’s genuine to me! it’s so lovely to see that nonoguchi and kosaka have both resolved their own issues with the help of miyabi and the public morals club. they both acknowledge that they weren’t the best in the past, but now they can become friends... this is a relationship that’s been developing in the background of oresama teacher for over 80 chapters... it makes me so happy that tsubaki gave a resolution to it in the end. she truly does care about all her characters no matter how unpopular they are, and i love her for that.

(by the way, i just found out that this can badge released in the same year as the miyabi graduation arc. they’re so cute!)

the story of kosaka and the student council as a whole ends here. everyone’s finally improved, and they’re all happy... people say “oresama teacher has no plot”, but there’s so much to the story of the student council. if i can write so much about one minor character who rarely appears, i think there’s plenty of plot and plenty to say about the others.

that’s all i have to say on this topic for now.

actually, i started writing this back in 2019 but i forgot about it until recently. my thoughts haven’t changed, though... i hope this post shines some light on why i like kosaka and tsubaki so much. to be honest, though, i’d probably just say that he’s sooo cute and i wanna protect that sweet smile of his... my 174 cm tall son.

#oresama teacher #shuntaro kosaka #text #please read it i simply think izumi tsubaki is a genius #i'm ignoring everything past miyabi graduation arc btw i forgot what happened there so </3

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subtlereferencetomyinterests · 4 years

Text

A Study in the Pains of Romance as a Genre

Ao3, MasterPost

Wow I can’t believe I haven’t written an actual logince story yet???? who am I, even?? Anyway I love them and their dynamic is perfect.

Relationships: Logince

Warnings: Self-doubt, insecurity, misunderstandings, flirting (so much flirting oh my god), Emotional Distress, some smooches 0x0.

Word Count: 4,334

Light, repetitive music hummed from a set of over-sized speakers, which balanced precariously on an elegant end-table across the room. To Logan’s knowledge, the sub-genre of music was colloquially known as ‘lo-fi’. The melodies weren’t very engaging, but it served its purpose as background to the task at hand well enough. Said task would be work. In theory, that is.

On the other end of the small table/large desk, Roman stared down into a leather journal, his face wrinkled with concentration. He gnawed at the edge of his pen thoughtlessly, drumming his hands against the paper and muttering to himself unintelligibly. His hair fell into his face occasionally, only to be brushed back with a small hum of annoyance. He was clearly immersed in his project, but he wasn’t yet at the point of frustration or burn-out. Such an ideal working state was seldom seen by any other side, but Logan could be as lucky.

The two dichotomous traits had fairly recently found that ‘two heads were better than one’, in a manner of speaking. Logan’s ideas had so often contradicted the things that Roman had planned for, a difficult issue to solve if both of them were already halfway done with their respective projects, and therefore hesitant to redo any of their hard work. If they worked together from the very beginning of an idea, however, then it was that much easier to find compromises and balance each other out along the way. The two could keep each other on task, as well as stop each other from overworking. The arrangement was purely for efficiency’s sake, of course.

…It did also serve as something of a bonding experience, if Logan was honest.

Regardless, with all that in mind, Logan had every reason to be working. And yet, there he was. Not doing that.

His and Roman's time together, for all it’s overwhelming pros, had resulted in one glaring con for Logan: what caught his focus had nothing to do with the documents open on his laptop, but rather how his friend tapped those immaculately manicured nails on the desk. The neatly arranged planners laid out before Logan served only as a backdrop to the sight of Roman’s smirk when he thought of something clever. Spreadsheets couldn’t hold a candle to the attention-grabbing power of that smile, repugnantly sappy as it sounded.

The obvious explanation for this distraction was that Logan, as is the wont of characters in Fan-Fiction, had become infatuated with his artistic counterpart.

The scribbling of Roman's pen stopped briefly, his eyes narrowing at his writing. Logan glanced away from him hastily, realizing just how long he’d been staring, only to hear Roman laugh heartily at his own writing, good God.

Logan glanced back at him- his face hopefully less flushed than it felt- and quirked a brow. Roman raised his head at the same time, flashing a bright smile.

“Read this,” he slid his journal across the table to Logan, pride etched across his features. Logan just narrowly stopped the book from careening off the edge of the table, pulling it into his line of sight. His eyes scanned the page, briefly, but he couldn't quiet his overactive mind quite enough to really understand the words. He perceived a vague impression of the humorous interaction between two of Roman’s characters, though, which was explanation enough.

The smile and nod he offered Roman in return- while mostly uncomprehending- was sincere, and it seemed to appease the creative entity. He slid the journal back across the table, much less forcefully than his friend had, and turned back to his work* (*staring blankly at his laptop screen).

However, the longer he stared blankly, the more acutely aware he became of the silence in the room. He realized soon enough that this was because the sound of pen and paper had not yet returned from Roman’s side of the workspace.

Still hesitant to be caught staring (it honestly wouldn't have been the first time), Logan glanced up to see what the issue was. He almost startled at the way that Roman was staring right back at him with a fiery intensity, clearly lost in deep thought.

“Roman…?”

He blinked, startled, though his face immediately broke into a wide grin. Before Logan could ask what exactly had him so exuberant, he slammed a hand down on their shared desk and stood from his chair.

“Alright, it's break time!”

“You want to have a break? We started only an hour and twenty-seven minutes ago,” Logan tilted his screen closer to him discreetly, not wanting Roman to see that he'd really only done about fifteen minutes’ worth of actual work.

Roman scoffed, circling around their small table and leaning his full weight against Logan's back and shoulders. Despite his stature (very, very short), he was densely muscular, and therefore staggeringly heavy.

“Yeah, I suppose, but I'm not feeling it right now!”

“That’s ridiculous, you've been remarkably focused all day despite your usual executive dysfunction; in fact, this is quite impressive for you and I’d be loath to disrupt you.”

Logan felt a small swell of pride when he saw, from the corner of his eye, that Roman’s face flushed at the compliment.

“Okay, fine, I’ll admit that I’m killing it today- but!” Roman pushed himself forward, shoving Logan into the desk and slightly to the left in the process, and shifted the logical trait’s laptop up and away from him, “You are clearly out of it, which is also a rarity,” he gestures to the barebones paragraphs displayed on the screen.

Logan felt a rush of embarrassment, but it was quickly overpowered by relief when he realized that his friend hadn't caught onto the reason for his slacking. He twisted in his seat, fighting to push Roman off of him.

“And stopping work altogether is supposed to remedy this how?”

“Shush,” Roman moved along with Logan’s efforts to push him away, taking it one step further by dragging them both into a standing position, “We’re taking a break because I said so, and I already had something planned for us today, so you aren’t getting out of this.”

Logan tilted his head in bemusement, too caught off-guard by the latter remark to remove Roman’s arm from around him (definitely for that reason, and not because the contact made him dizzily contented).

“You have something planned? Why didn't you tell me?”

“Well, it was a surprise, obviously,” Roman huffed, using his grip on Logan to steer him over to his canopy bed. At his insistence, Logan sat down, his confusion only growing.

“You… have a surprise for me?”

Roman rolled his eyes, chuckling.

“Do you need a Q-tip? Yes, as I’ve said thrice now. It’s actually been in the works for a while now, but I think it’s ready for you.”

Rather than trying to form an actual response, Logan fell back on a tried-and-true tactic: Correcting Roman.

“The use of a Q-tip to clean one’s ear can actually be quite dangerous-”

The tactic worked, as Roman’s expression went from teasing fondness to impatience almost instantly. He made quite the show of rolling his eyes, moving his head along with his irises.

“Yeah, yeah, everybody knows and has already stopped caring about that. Do you wanna see the surprise or not, Teach?”

Well, Logan supposed he wasn’t going to get any work done, anyway. Not with the idea of Roman making something specifically for him clattering around in his mind.

“I must admit that you’ve piqued my interest.”

“Good,” Roman gave him a dazzling grin and, to Logan’s surprise, sat right down beside him on the mattress. Logan nearly questioned the behavior, deciding against it when Roman let his eyes fall closed. He was once more the picture of concentration, his fingers tapping out patterns and rhythms against his knees. After a long, awkward, perfectly silent two minutes and thirty-four seconds, there was an abrupt jolt. Logan struggled to maintain his balance, eventually failing when he felt the bed beneath him move so swiftly that he could no longer make out the room around him.

A rush of vertigo overcame him, sending him toppling backwards with a yelp. However quickly they seemed to be moving, it felt as though they really weren’t travelling at all- as though they were completely unencumbered by friction. And then, just as quickly as it had begun, the movement halted.

Logan sat up, hair ruffled and feeling distinctly embarrassed at such a reaction to something he really should have expected.

Roman had shifted the appearance of his room, of course. It was something he did constantly- Logan couldn’t count the number of times he’d found the side unconsciously manifesting surfaces just as he was about to place an item on empty space. But that all paled in comparison to this. The entire room had changed, not just a few pieces of furniture.

They weren’t in a room anymore, actually; they were in a garden. A garden that sprawled out in all directions, the ends (if any existed yet) obscured by the various fountains and trees within it. The sky above was a blanket of darkness, even though it was about midday in the real world. Logan could excuse the inaccuracy, aware that it was just for the atmosphere. That, and also because it allowed him view of the stars.

They were so, so bright. The sky was like a pool of ink filled up with glitter, each flake of which a different size. But the most impressive thing was just how… subdued it was. Roman had clearly avoided cramming the sky with bright colors and unrealistic formations, opting instead to paint a believable sky, one that really could exist if given the best possible circumstances.

Logan stood up from his spot, awestruck. In the back of his mind, he registered that the bed had swayed with his movements upon his standing. But really, it wasn’t a bed at all anymore; it was a heavily cushioned swing, strung up between two short, thin trees. Forcing his eyes to turn from the stars and take in the rest of the picturesque scene, Logan saw similar trees dotted around the little garden; they varied in height, but each was stick-thin with elegant sprawls of branches. They looked almost like the antlers of a deer.

The most prominent pieces of flora, however, were the twisting bushes of flowers all along the sides of the cobblestone paths. They were so diverse, each so perfectly detailed and created. Some had circular, squat petals, growing in little clusters. Others rose singularly from long stems, their petals thin and delicate. There was only one commonality between them.

Blue. Every shade or hue, from shimmering chrome to cloudy cyan; it. Was all. Blue.

Come to think of it, everything was, even if it was subtle. The stone paths between the fountains and displays were pale slate, just edging away from gray; the wood of the trees were inky and dark, tinted a harsh indigo; the lanterns hung up on lamp poles lit the scene with turquoise flames.

Logan’s breath caught in his throat. For a moment, he forgot entirely how he’d come to be here. All he saw was this- this gift.

“It took forever, honestly,” Roman’s insincere complaint was whisper-quiet, and yet Logan still jumped at the voice. He clearly hadn’t noticed the trait walking up to him until he was right beside him. “I had to get it just right.”

“It’s wonderful, Roman. This is perfect,” Logan didn’t try to play it down. He wasn’t sure he could, stripped of his snark at the beauty before him. A beauty made for him.

“I’m glad that you like it,” there was something painfully honest behind Roman’s words.

“What…” Logan wasn’t sure what he was going to ask. What this all was for, that would’ve been a reasonable question. There were also some ‘Why’s that he could ask: why on earth had Roman made something so amazing for him?

Logan wasn’t a self-deprecating person. When he wasn’t always positive, he at least maintained healthy self-neutrality. He was well aware of the detriments that accompanied negative self-talk and idealization, so he was careful to avoid such at all costs. On good days, he could go as far as to say that he actively enjoyed who he was. Bad days, well, they weren’t nearly as bad as they could be.

Therefore, it followed that Logan was being entirely objective when he said that he would not be a good enough romantic partner for Roman.

There he stood, before this gorgeous, romantic setting that Creativity had made for him, and he could do nothing but worry. Not worry that his harbored affection was unrequited, but worry that perhaps it somehow was. It was unbelievable to him, and he feared it. He feared the look that Roman sent him as he inspected the flowers, the statues, the sky, all for him.

“Roman, this is… I don’t know what to say.”

“Oh? I’ve managed to get you speechless? That’s quite an accomplishment,” his tone was far too intimate for the teasing words. Regardless, Logan forced a scoff.

“Don’t let it go to your head. All it is is that I’m trying to appreciate your attention to detail.”

“Sure.”

There was another lapse of silence, in which Logan found himself caught up in thought.

When he’d first had the unfortunate realization that he was in love with his friend, of course he’d wanted to resolve the issue as simply as possible. It was only sensical that he inform Roman right away, to see if the feelings were reciprocated. If they were, then the better it was for both of them; if not, it was the closure needed for him to move on.

A plan like that was easier said than done.

Logan couldn’t just say it, not in the way he would’ve preferred. That wouldn’t at all be Roman’s style, and such a confession would likely garner nothing but exasperation. It would be much smarter to try and cater to the trait’s love of all things prosey, elaborate, and romantic, if he wanted any kind of favorable results. So Logan began to do what he did best: Gather information.

Roman liked grand gestures. Roman was weak for cheesy tropes and clichés. Roman swooned over long declarations of love. The list went on and on and on. Logan found himself letting Roman choose shows to watch in their downtime together, for the express purpose of writing down the details of all the romantic plotlines that he cooed at.

It was always something giant, spectacular, and teary. But still, foolishly, Logic held onto the hope that he could replicate something of the like. The hope that he could be copacetic in this area, so far out of his expertise.

He’d lost it soon after, of course.

“These are my favorite, you know,” Roman muttered, jolting Logan from his introspection. The side was stood by a large bush of flowers, gazing fondly at them.

“Hm?” Logan stepped over to him, still a bit dazed.

“Blue roses,” Roman held one of the flowers reverently in his hand, “You’d think it’d be red- and those are classics- but no. I’m quite fond of these.”

Logan nodded. It took all of his self-control to keep his eyes off of his friend.

It was meant to be a family movie night, that evening when he’d given up on this. But somehow everyone had become preoccupied, except Roman.

They’d laughed together, debating the merits of even having a movie night at that point. In the end, they decided to do it anyway, of course. Roman chose, and all seemed well in the beginning.

Logan quickly determined that the film would have a pretty central romantic subplot, and so he had discreetly summoned his notebook to jot down anything he thought Roman would be interested in. That went perfectly well, with him scribbling down a cutesy gesture in the film every few minutes. He and Roman talked through the whole thing- as usual- and all in all the night was par for the course.

But then came the movie’s climactic end. The lead professed his undying love for the love-interest by starlight, with a speech that Logan could swear dragged on for five minutes. Accompanying this, the character had hired musicians for the occasion, procured several gifts for the object of his affection, and if that weren’t nearly enough- there were fireworks.

Logan had scoffed, rolling his eyes at the absurdity. But Roman…

Roman had stars in his eyes.

Logan had looked at him inquisitively, a bitter taste filling his mouth when Roman looked right back with the widest eyes.

‘That, that’s what I want,’ that look seemed to say. Logan gripped his pen in his hand, his eyes trying to catch on all of the details in the scene before him, but he already knew the truth.

He could never be that. However unrealistic Roman’s wants were, they were his own, and Logan could not possibly meet them.

He threw away his notebook after that.

“Do you know why I like them?”

Logan startled, feeling Roman press up against his side.

“Wh- what?”

“The roses,” he reiterated, twirling the stem between his fingers, “You know why I like them?”

“I can’t say that I do,” Logan mumbled, moving to step back. When he did, he felt his back hit one of the immense marble fountains, leaving him with nowhere to go. Roman followed his movements, effectively caging him.

“They calm me. They remind me that everything can’t always be so harsh. That sometimes you need to think things through a little more,” he wasn’t looking at the rose at all as he spoke, instead focusing his attention on Logan in front of him, which he thought was probably significant, “But they’re still roses. They’re essentially the same. They’ve still got stems and thorns and spirally petals, even though all you notice at first is the difference in color. It’s apt, I think…”

Roman leaned over him. The creative trait braced his arm on the lip of the fixture, tilting his head back to stare at Logan. Every time one of them shifted, even slightly, they’d have a brush of contact.

“And they do go so well with the red ones, don’t you think?”

Logan knew exactly what Roman was doing and he didn’t understand it one bit. He’d agonized over countless pieces of Roman’s favorite romantic media, and he knew their scene was fit for any of those movies. All except for one aspect: the supposed love interest.

Logan was in a button-down and jeans, not a navy suit or a flowing sundress. He spoke with stilted ‘dialogue’ and misunderstood all of Roman’s romantic symbolism, hardly able to give his own beautiful soliloquies in response. He could hardly be called the ‘muse’ for this gorgeous garden gift that Roman had given him! If anything, Logan was the best friend. It was a frustrating character type to play- the nerdy and underappreciated accomplice- but Logan had become accustomed to it. Settled into it. It was what Roman’s favorite genre showed him to be, and he’d fit it well.

When Roman inched closer still, Logan found the willpower to put a hand on the trait’s chest and halt him.

“Lo?” Roman breathed by way of question. His adoring gaze had turned confused and cautious, with a tinge of worry shining through.

Logan felt like he was burning from the inside out, even though he knew that, physically speaking, he was perfectly fine. He couldn’t stand the contradiction he’d become, but he could stand even less that sickeningly-sweet affection Roman was mistakenly giving him. It didn’t make sense for this to be happening, and Logan needed his sense back.

“I’m sorry,” he blurted, “Why are you doing this?” it ended up much meeker than he’d wished to say it.

Roman essentially leapt away from him, his hands flying up with palms faced out. After taking several strides back, he laughed awkwardly, looking nothing short of ashamed.

“Well, I seem to have misread some things, I guess! I- um- forget it, it was stupid anyways.”

Logan felt a sharp pain between his ribs at that, standing up straighter.

“No, I didn’t mean to seem, well, upset, per se- it’s just- why me? What do you stand to gain from pursuing a romantic relationship with me?” He stepped falteringly forwards after Roman, “ I just don’t… understand,” it was a wonder Logan could keep his voice calm.

Roman’s face scrunched in an obvious lack of comprehension. He crossed his arms below his chest, words coming out slow as though he was trying to make sense of them.

“You want to know why I have feelings for you? What- what I stand to gain?” A bewildered little chuckle broke up his words on the last clause, making Logan flush embarrassedly.

“Y-es, I am far from an ideal partner for you. I know you well enough to know that.”

“And what makes you so sure, hm?” Roman’s expression was bordering on amusement, frustratingly enough; Logan didn’t see what could possibly be humorous about the situation. Everything seemed strangely painful to him.

“Oh, please. I’m hardly a- a Prince Charming, or whatever it is you’re after. I wouldn’t be able to provide you with grand, elaborate gestures of affection. I’m not supernaturally beautiful. Face it, I’m not up to your sky-high standards at all,” Logan knew his voice was edging on frantic the longer he talked, as he tried to put an end to whatever was happening. To his surprise, Roman responded by shaking his head wildly, darting forwards and taking Logan’s hands.

“How can someone so smart be so, so dense?” He exclaimed, “You are smart, Lo- I thought that you’d caught on by now, and were just waiting for me to make a move. I mean, I was being so obvious.”

Logan, despite the warmth welling in his chest and the confusion dizzying him, managed to raise an unimpressed eyebrow at Roman. The creative trait seemed to understand what he’d said a second later, laughing in embarrassment.

“Oh, right- sorry,” he muttered, “I thought it was obvious, I suppose, with how much I kept hinting at it.”

“What on earth are you talking about? Every time you spoke about romance, it was a hyper-dramaticized version of a fantasy relationship- rambling about your hypothetical partner’s ‘Athena-like wit and humor’, or ‘innumerable acts of kindness’ you claimed they’d give you daily.”

Roman gave him a long, fond, exasperated look.

“I guess I must think very highly of you.”

“You- you were talking about me?”

“Of course I was,” Roman’s expression turned solemn. He lifted a hand to cup Logan’s jaw.

“I can’t believe you thought that I deserved something better.”

“I didn’t say that,” Logan snapped, stubbornly, “I said I knew you’d want better. I never mentioned that I thought your wants were actually realistic.”

“Well, that’s true; you are quite unreal, Logan.”

“That’s not what I meant!” Logan flushed darkly. He wanted nothing more than to establish at least a little distance between himself and Roman, but his traitorous and sentimental physicality refused to allow it.

Roman took just a moment to find humor in his embarrassment, letting a deep silence follow it. He seemed expectant. Logan was still reeling.

“...Well?” The artistic trait prompted after a while, shifting uncomfortably.

“‘Well’ what?”

Roman gestured to himself, an awkward motion considered how he had steadily plastered against Logan.

“This was going to be, like, my grand declaration of love to you, but we seem to have gotten a little off-track.”

“Oh,” Logan smiled apologetically, “By all means, continue.”

“Well, I can’t now. The moment’s gone!”

“If it’s any consolation, you were off to a very good start.”

Roman grinned, cupping the side of Logan’s face properly.

“Yeah?”

“Yes, I think so.”

“Good enough that you might consider being mine, mi estrella?”

“Uhm- possibly,” Logan found it increasingly hard not to shy away from the loving look directed at him, and even harder to keep his voice above a breathless stutter, “If you’re sure that’s what you want.”

The words were barely out of his mouth before Roman kissed him, chaste and beautiful. Logan had hardly registered the sweet taste of sugared coffee on his lips before it was gone, left with only Roman watching him lovingly. He couldn’t help but return the look, earning him another soft kiss. That was followed by another, and another, and then they were moving to his cheeks and nose and forehead as well, and by that point he was struggling to return the affection, utterly unaware of his surroundings.

Roman let go of Logan’s hand to cup the other side of his face, grinning at the giddy laughs that Logan was failing to suppress as the (entirely invited) assault on his face continued. The barrage concluded with a drawn-out kiss pressed to the tip of Logan’s nose, and Roman finally seemed satisfied with himself.

Logan was aware of how ridiculous he must have looked, face red and giggling quite uncontrollably, but Roman was still looking at him like he was the best thing he’d ever laid eyes upon.

“This is what I want,” he purred, as if it even needed to be said. Logan rolled his eyes, burying his face in Roman’s hair if only to escape the overwhelming emotion the situation was instilling him with.

He struggled to catch his breath, unsure if he wanted to keep laughing or possibly cry. He was desperately out of his depth, actually, so he was rather conflicted about most things. Everything he’d thought he’d known had been turned on its head. While Logan didn’t like being wrong, that didn’t really seem like the most pertinent issue.

But there was at least one point that seemed to have a clear answer.

“Good,” Logan murmured, nearly silent, “I want this, as well.”

Taglist: @shrimp-crockpot @glitter-skeleton-uwu @donnieluvsthings @intruxiety @thefivecalls

#logince #sanders sides #ts #fanfiction #my writing #sanders sides fanfiction #ts fanfiction #fanfic #roman #logan

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ryttu3k · 3 years

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Hello naughty children it's Gehenna time.

...which means I'm going to read the book properly this time and write notes on each scenario, partially for my own reference, partially in answer to an ask from @rayshell22livejournalcom from about a zillion years ago. Sorry about that!

Mood soundtrack: Godspeed You! Black Emperor - F# A# ∞; Lift Your Skinny Fists Like Antennas To Heaven; Yanqui U.X.O.

Prelude: Netchurch is an interesting character. Very skeptical, despite, well, the entire setting, although that's definitely, uh, broken by the end. Feel very sad for Afifa, who was a pawn in all this. Creepy babies galore!

Introduction: "While Vampire favors that futile, tragic, and - we'll say it - angst-heavy conclusion" - lmao you don't say. Although I do like how they have the consistent golden rule that if you don't like it, just ditch it! (Of course, the Gehenna scenarios as a whole have been completely retconned anyway by v20 and v5, so this entire book is a good example of taking what you want from it and ignoring the rest.)

"Some people are on opposite sides of this thing. They're elders who don't want to knuckle under to the Antediluvians (most elders will accept their proper place in the heirarchy again with the rising of their progenitors) and poor, misled souls who bought into the lie and are pissed about it (paging Mr. Pieterzoon). Bottom line: the Camarilla collapses like Enron/WorldCom as the worthlessness of its foundation becomes public knowledge. Chaos ensues among the vampire community, princes find themselves besieged by their own locals, and it's all a big clusterfuck."

Have I ever mentioned I love how VtM phrases stuff? Also F to Jan.

I like how they have a masterlist of what's actually going on with the Antediluvians. Spoilers ;D "For example, note that [Tzimisce] is simply referred to as [Tzimisce]. Even here at the game studio, our limited mortal minds weren't able to comphrenend the creature's real name." Lovecraft only WISHES he had eldritch abominations this spooky! Ennoia is 'Active and scary' and apparently spooks the devs just thinking about it. Makes sense. "Giovanni (Augustus Giovanni): Augustus is a pig, and he should probably die as one of the early events of Gehenna. He's the youngest of the Antediluvians and probably possessed the greatest ego (in mortal terms), so it'll be cosmic justice when he eats it." I love how no one likes Giovanni, even his creators. Malkav may or may not BE the Madness Network, in which case they cease to be an Antediluvian and just become... a part of the Malkavians, I guess? Absimiliard may or may not be chilling at the bottom of the ocean, because mood. Tremere / Saulot is definitely a fun one to play with, yeah. Although, oof, if Saulot ever gets control of their shared body, he's going to be fucked up if [Tzimisce] activates, so. Probably better to create a nice fresh body, like what BJD suggests with the child Saulot.

Chapter 1 - the lead-up: Basically a rundown of the signs and how they're interpreted. "An angel dies: How does an angel die? Who has the gall to rise up and slay one of God's firstborn? Or perhaps this is another metaphor. An angel could be a pure and gentle creature, or then again, it need not be one of God's angels (not that God's angels are necessarily pure and gentle). A feared and particularly vicious Necronomist Tzimisce, Sascha Vykos is sometimes referred to as the Angel of Caine. Many would rejoice the night that Vykos died." Hey rude :( I vote they kill Michael instead. He wants to be an Archangel? Fine, he can fulfill a prophesy XD

Honestly I really do dig that Ennoia Earthmelded with the entire planet. You can go so many directions with that, good or bad! Ennoia as The Beast Below, or Ennoia as Gaia? (Wow, that'd really fuck with the Garou XD) I love how the general consensus on Haqim is like, no one knows if he exists or not but lbr Ur-Shulgi is bad enough. Kinda dig the idea of the Toreador ante, Ishtar/Arikel, being genderfluid? I mean yeah essentially demigods have no need for gender anyway, but the constant debates over whether the Toreador ante is the female Ishtar or the male Arikel (or, uh, was it vice versa?) does lead to some interesting concepts. Ooh, similar to [Tzimisce] being linked to its entire clan (and the Tremere, anyone who's ever taken part in the Vaulderie, and anyone who knows Vicissitude), [Lasombra] may be connected to anyone who knows Obtenebration? [Ravnos]... yeah, probably dead. F to the clan. And yeah I think [Tzimisce] is flat-out the scariest one of all, and probably the one most likely to actually start the apocalypse, lbr.

Ugh this is one of the books that calls Sascha 'it' :-\ Do not like. ...Also do not like the suggestion that they're an unknowing agent of the Eldest, given, uh, the last chapter of the DA Tzimisce novel. Shoo! Shoo! You've ruined their unlife enough as it is!

Epistolary material! I do dig those. Most interesting: a letter to Sascha mentioning apocalyptic visions of New York but with the Carpathians in the background, and an anonymous letter to Hardestadt warning him of one of his line tearing down a castle that the writer feels believes the Camarilla. GO JAN FUCK IT UP.

And on to the scenarios themselves!

Chapter 2 - Wormwood: This is an interesting one. Literally a Biblical vengeance - God takes a good look at the Children of Caine and goes, "Well, this is fucked up", acknowledges that Caine never really sought true forgiveness and repentance, and sets forth Wormwood, the Red Star. The truly repentant are saved, the rest just. Die.

Herald here is a dhampir girl named Alia - thinblood father, human mother. When she's twelve, she becomes God's chosen, basically. Traveling with three thinblood guardians, one night, she's approached a Gargoyle named Ferox with True Faith, who sees himself as a fallen angel. And Alia offers him a way of redemption - find the chosen true believers, wait out Wormwood, receive judgement. Anyone can seek sanctuary, only the true believers and the ones genuinely willing to repent will survive the judgement itself. Alia and Ferox set out to find the other chosen ones.

Whew. Very full-on - the players remain in one place with a whole bunch of other vampires for forty nights. I mean, that's a test in and of itself XD All welcome! (Except infernalists and the antediluvians and Caine himself. They're fucked no matter what.)

Like. All welcome XD "Some Storytellers might feel that this character roundup could get too silly, suddenly having all these celebrity Kindred get together for a big slumber party, and they would be correct." Fuck that give me a slumber party AU XD

Am very glad about the note that the vampires inside only lose one blood point per 10 days, rather than every day. Otherwise, uh, it'd get gory.

Yeah, this is a really interesting scenario. Very character-focused, very introspective. All about the characters trying to work out what it means to be good people - not the strongest vampires, not the most powerful, but good people. Are they worthy of salvation? That's the crux of the story. Of course, it's very, uh, Biblical, heh, but it's first and foremost about morality and redemption. I dig it.

Also, giant vampire slumber party.

Chapter 3 - Fair is Foul: Ooh, this is a Lilith vs Caine scenario.

This one has the Withering hit in weird ways, including clan-specific ones - like the Banu Haqim only able to feed on vitae, then only able to gain sustenance from diablerie. Gangrel turn even more animalistic. Lasombra take to the seas, Obtenebration ripping holes straight to the Abyss. Malks, uh, leak madness. Nosferatu get even uglier, Toreador devolve into debauchery. Tremere develop third eyes, and yes, I did laugh out loud when I read that. Tzimisce... hmm... get a bit, uh, uncontrolled. And Ventrue find they can now only feed on... other Ventrue. Fun times!

"At your discretion, Lilith might be particularly vulnerable to Jewish True Faith, as the Jewish tales about her are the source of nearly every negative sentiment ever directed against her in writing. As a result, most orthodox Jews bear Lilith great contempt for defying her husband and her God." Yeah ngl I think she's pretty dang cool and I can just see, like, most of my ancestors facepalming at the idea XD;; Fuck obediance you do your own thing.

"Trying to work out traits for Lilith, Lucifer, Caine, or any of the Antediluvians would just be a waste of our word count and your time." I like the time they published a guide for fighting Caine. It was two words. "You lose."

Ah. Okay, Saulot in Tremere's body being taken over by the Eldest = scary, because have you ever been attacked by an Antediluvian wielding Thaumaturgy, Valeran, and Vicissitude at the SAME :) TIME? :) Yeah :)

Really dig the idea of Abel showing up as the first Wraith. The forgiveness element.

Overall, this isn't my favourite scenario, I think? It feels very chaotic, and while it's probably the most traditional to play, I'm not sure how much it literally challenges the characters, unlike the sheer soul-searching...ness of Wormwood?

Chapter 4 - Nightshade: Chapter starts with, "We all wear masks" and my first thought was "boy you have no idea" XD

Awww yes this is the masquerade break scenario! See here for my thoughts on that and how the Nephtali could be adapted to v5, heh.

Yeah okay earthquakes, volcanoes, and riots are normal enough. A horrible blood virus where it appears some flesh-like thing is living in people's veins and feeding off their blood sounds like something that starts with T and rhymes with Shzimitze. ...Probably. No one knows how the fuck it's pronounced anyway. Oops, those riots are apparently over the existence of vampires. Yeah that'd be... unfortunate. And more earthquakes, this time due to Kupala vs the Eldest. Whew. Red star, yep, standard. MORE earthquakes, this time due to the Second City rising. Sounds legit. Bad times all around!

The details on breaking the Masquerade are interesting. Basic emotions: denial, rationalisation, fear, anger, acceptance. The acceptance one is interesting, because I can definitely see some jumping to it straight away.

So, on to the scenario itself! Jan recruits the players to fight the... uh, mass under NYC. This is the corpse of the Eldest, which is more or less a giant fungal infection held together with Vicissitude, which frankly is just icky. This actually is canon-compliant with BJD, since it apparently has only just... dissipated? or whatever there, or if it still remains, it's no longer conscious. In this one, its soul flicks back to Tremere's/Saulot's body and wakes up, and basically every Tzimisce, Tremere, and anyone who has ever drank Tzimisce blood (which would be the entire Sabbat via Vaulderie) spontaneously frenzies. Godspeed. Cyscek, a Tzimisce methuselah, helps defeat the, uh, blob at the expense of his life, and warns with his last words, "The Dragon rises. You must stop it. Find Vykos. [They] know." (Okay yeah the text says 'it knows' but also fuck that.) Ooh, plot point!

Aaaand then they retreat from the battle, exhausted, only to find the whole damn thing broadcast on every TV screen, vampiric Disciplines and Cyscek dusting and all. W h o o p s.

Lots and lots of details of a major masquerade breach here. Hardestadt shows up and tells Jan he's proooobably gonna get Final Death for, you know, trying to save the world. Gonna share this bit because it's Very Satisfying.

Please refer to my tag #hardestadt has no rights ;D

Anyway! The characters now recruited, Jan leads them back to London for the Convention of Fire. He's working with Calebros and... like a bunch of others, probably anyone can end up here, so long as they want to actually help and not just fall apart like the remnants of the Camarilla (trying to diablerise their way into keeping power) and the Sabbat (...ditto tbh). Those definitely in attendance are Ambrogino Giovanni, Hesha Ruhadze, and Fatima! And lbr the Nod Squad are probably there too. As if Beckett would pass up the chance to NOT witness what's happening with Gehenna. And Anatole is literally a prophet of Gehenna! They found the Nephtali, led by a council of twelve, with Jan at the head. Name means 'the highest point' or 'no further' - as in, Gehenna goes no further than this.

Oh lmao here we go, the scene I mentioned earlier - Jan vs talk shows.

F to Jan.

Tremere's body (inhabited by Saulot) disappears from beneath the Vienna chantry. Tremere's body, with [Tzimisce] now well in control (having overtaken Saulot; Tremere, meanwhile, has taken over Goratrix's body, with Goratrix's mind stuck in a mirror... it's complicated), wipes out the Vienna chantry. RIP to the Vienna chantry, which doesn't survive in either timeline tbh. Hey, I wonder if that means that Saulot (in Tremere's body) is dead in v5? Etrius manages to escape and reports that the Eldest is now on the way to Ceoris, where it'll call all the remaining Tzimisce to it to become, uh, a part. Pleasant.

Everything between Krakow and Bucharest is straight fukk’d. Ceoris is the centre of all this - IIRC it's somewhere in the southern Carpathians, nearish Brasov. Either way, hell of a fight results with what can only be described as an eldritch abomination, finally both managing to destroy Kupala (the Eldest's goal) and reducing The Thing down to a human-looking body. This bit is interesting! Tremere (in Goratrix' body) and Etrius take one look at each other. "Master..." "I... I know. But where the hell is Saulot?!" Good question, because he sure ain't in Tremere's, uh, former body any more, which was in fact what was fighting them the whole time. Either way, Tremere-in-Goratrix'-body leaps at [Tzimisce]-in-Tremere's-body and diablerises his, um, former body, which must be weird as hell, then tries to turn on the characters and his powers fuckiNG FAIL. EAT SHIT TREMERE. And then the players kill him too and realise that over the course of one night they've destroyed the demon Kupala and two Antediluvians, Tremere and the Eldest. Not bad. This is the battle that causes that second lot of earthquakes I mentioned earlier.

Back to London! They find the mirror containing Goratrix amongst Tremere's belongings. Poor fucker sorry not sorry.

And now the players receive a summons to escort someone from Montreal to the Nephtali headquarters in London! Namely, a Tzimisce named Myca Vykos~ They've recently defected from the Sabbat and want to help take the Antediluvians tf down. (Note: the book here has reverted to using he/him pronouns since they're back in their original form, I'm going to keep using they/them because biological sex does not determine gender identity or pronouns goddammit. ...Anyway. I AM going to use the name Myca since that's the name they're using themself, mostly because, uh, 'Myca' is a bit less noticeable than 'Sascha Vykos', haha.)

So Gehenna has started. Myca's woken up in their original form and being like, "Hey you know what I am preTTY SURE I don't want to serve the Eldest" and promptly joins the Nephtali.

From New York to London to Romania to London to Montreal to London (...London is a hub world apparently), now off to Turkey, to Kaymakli! Which is actually a real place, my brother's been on a tour there. Anyway, this is the part of Kaymakli that they don't show the tourist and that's been sealed shut with lots of angry Cappadocians instead, so that was fun. Presumably Kapaneus hasn't been chilling out there in this one.

Also Colombia has completely been overtaken by the Sabbat so that sucks.

Into Kaymakli! Which usually doesn't let Cainites back out so it may be one-way. Don't worry, there's a ritual for that. At the bottom, they find Augustus Giovanni! Who is pissed off he never actually got to eat Cappadocius' soul and so wants to eat God instead.

As you do.

The book very strongly encourages the players to kill him. Just 'cause. Which is a mood, tbh. Killing him also reveals a beaten, bound Nosferatu, having been Giovanni's most recent food source. An F for Okulos. He's been there for four years, having managed to get a lost fragment of the Book of Nod for Beckett, who promised to come back for him and. Didn't. Which is just rude tbh and I can kind of understand why Okulos ends up betraying Beckett in the Gehenna novel but anyway. (Not canon as of v20, he's perfectly present and chill in BJD.)

End results - the fragment that Okulos went to retrieve shows how to restore the Second City, which holds a complete Book of Nod and may hold the key to stopping Gehenna. It's in Enochian so your player characters probably won't be able to read it (book suggests asking Sascha or Ambrogino). Next stop, Egypt, and a meeting with Hesha Ruhadze! Man this scenario has a lot of signature characters. It also suggests getting third parties in here too, so Beckett would actually be a really good choice. Either way, they find the probable site, and suddenly, a Second City.

Archeologists make grabby hands. Beckett, somewhere, is probably crying in joy. They find a vial with some very old blood in it that they definitely shouldn't drink because otherwise they'll explode (the book uses Sascha as the example here XD;; ). Along with some mystical enscriptions, they return to London and get to work on the prophecy - namely, it suggests that 'the gentle one' (likely Saulot) will die at the hands of another, but arise in a new form, and will stop Gehenna that way. Etrius, one of the only Tremere left and having joined the Nephtali, goes 'fuck it what do I have to lose?' and goes to find whatever new form Saulot is in (potentially can also involve Goratrix here).

Hm. Well. Saulot is apparently in a research centre outside Sydney. Apparently we're mostly chill with vampires, aside from Christians XD Go figure!

Apparently it's a cloning facility. One of the rooms had, past tense, a child, successfully cloned six-year-old, who was in perfect physical form but vegetative from birth. Religious characters will pick up that it's because the kid's body didn't have a soul. Now, it does - Saulot's. Having been thrown out of Tremere's body when the Eldest took over, his soul fled until it could find the most suitable vessel - a soulless cloned body. No actual soul to have to subdue. Saulot ends up reborn, albeit in the form of a six-year-old and without any memories. Turns out, the child was taken by a cult of Thinbloods, believing him to be the messiah.

Sydney's messy situation gets described here! Short version, Sydney's Prince is/was Sarrasine, who was a Toreador. Except he wasn't a Toreador, it was a fairly open secret he was only POSING as a Toreador - he was actually a Caitiff. (Except he's not actually a Caitiff. He's a sixth-gen Setite. Sydney is Like That, yes.) Given Sydney's independence from the sects and its apparent Caitiff Prince, it's become a major site of Caitiff and Thinbloods, which Sarrasine is just thrilled about but can't do anything about because he doesn't want to actually go 'lol I'm a Setite'. Anyway, either way, everyone is unaware of Saulot's return, so the players seek out the little boy, who's pretty spooked and confused. Asks the characters, "Who are you? What is this place? What do all these people want?" and his third eye opens. Tada! Salubri Antediluvian, and like the prophecy mentioned, he's 'unholy' and 'a mockery in the face of God' - a clone.

Back to London with kid!Saulot. The Nephtali have been trying to work out what tf is going on. A researcher tried drinking from the vial. It was messy. The characters might get some downtime. Sarrasine's followers may attack to try and get the kiddo back. Either way, everyone goes to bed, and wakes up to find a Darkness having overtaken the sun, which is generally not good for anyone, and Lasombra characters are just, feels bad man. The Veil of Darkness means vampires can be up 24/7, along with other things that don't like sunlight, and I imagine things like... plants not being thrilled. Also probably very confused animals. I'm not sure if it's like a dark atmosphere, or a physical body between the sun and Earth that just eclipses it whatever vantage point you look from, or what? Disciplines like Auspex, Obfuscate, and Obtenebration go a bit fucky. Then, a few days later, everyone feels a... Summons. For low-generation vampires with still-living Antediluvians, it's strongest. Higher gens with destroyed Antes, not so bad. So I'm sure you can guess what's summoning them.

Yep. Antediluvians. Banu Haqim are getting summoned to Alamut instead so Ur-Shulgi can turn them into an army against the Antediluvians, so godspeed resisting that, Elijah.

Off to the city of Gehenna (it's nearish Jerusalem). Elders of all stripes have been heading there to kill their childer in hope of being rewarded by their Antediluvians to get their powers restored, which is terribly rude. Indeed, the Antediluvians basically go, hey, can you not, and also can you start Embracing more childer for our armies, because they're not very nice either. Pretty much all the characters have been summoned for their crimes against the Antediluvians, and now they're gathered before them - Set, [Lasombra], Ennoia, Absimiliard, Malkav (as like... a cluster of identical little girls with glowing eyes because of course Malkav would use the Creepy Child trope), and [Toreador], who's so beautiful no one can tell if they're male or female. When the players and child!Saulot get there, they question him, but he's literally a six-year-old boy and is spooked. He also has the vial, somehow. Set takes it, and Kiddo says, "Don't drink it. You'll burn up." So Set makes Kiddo drink it instead, because he's a nice guy like that.

Kiddo's third eye opens. A giant black throne appears. The dozen small girls that are Malkav say, "Father's home." Kiddo!Saulot says, "No, Father's dead." Girls start screaming so loud people start bleeding thick black blood from their ears and doesn't stop until Set kills all twelve. A random stranger, now with their glowing eyes, steps forward and basically goes 'wow rude'.

Powerful beam of light appears. The Antes (aside from Kiddo!Saulot) writhe in pain. Angel appears, asks Saulot if he's willing to atone for all vampires. He agrees. Throne explodes, Antes fuckin' die, and everyone promptly frenzies and tries to eat each other, because vampires. In the aftermath of that, vampirism basically... ends. The player characters may be rewarded by becoming human again, as do a lot of Thinbloods, but most everyone older just, uh, dies. Vampirism ends, but the Earth has been saved.

That is... hmm, bittersweet, I think. It's a pretty compelling chronicle, very dramatic, but it's much less character-based and is more, 'the characters get dragged along to Do Shit'. I kind of like the idea of it being a story involving the characters we know, but for original characters, I think Wormwood is a much more compelling scenario so far.

Chapter 5 - The Crucible of God: Okay I'm tired now and this is the 'rocks fall everyone dies' scenario so gonna skim-read this one.

This is the chapter that introduces the level 10 power for all disciplines - Plot Device. The Antediluvians can do shit because they feel like it. Whew. Also, if an Ante spots anyone of their blood line, they can just make them... explode and their blood gushes into their mouth. Monch monch. Spot another clan mate? Roll to avoid frenzy. Just woke up? Roll to avoid frenzy. Good times!

And then the Tzimisce Antediluvian awoke as a mass of Vicissitude flesh fungal infestation with tentacles and lampray mouths and stuff and ate anything in reach until it ate, uh, every living thing in Manhattan. In one night. Bad day tbh. Eventually it burns when the sun rises, but what's left underground is still there and shit's still messed up. Like picking a leaf off a dandelion and it starts bleeding. Trees with faces, swarms of insects forming into eyes and watching. Nice and creepy. In the aftermath, it's basically infecting every life form on Earth with Vicissitude, which is distinctly uncool.

Absimliard has an animal army and currently looks like a giant humanoid jellyfish.

Oh boy here's the Banu Haqim part XD;; Interestingly, it's a lot better for them! Haqim doesn't eat his childer, they feel themselves strongly bonded to him but still maintain their own minds and wills. Downside, anyone who doesn't follow Haqim alone gets hunted down so he can eat them, so Ur-Shulgi's probably having a field day at being vindicated and poor Pyre/Elijah is hiding tf under the bed. Plus side, it only lasts a few months before something kills Haqim, so hey! And there's genuinely a way to become human again, especially for high-humanity, high-gen vampires, so that actually would be a genuinely good outcome for Pyre/Elijah.

Malkavians end up as a giant hive mind. Like, more than usual. [Lasombra] covers the world in darkness, then it stops. Ennoia merges with the entire planet and starts eating people. And vampires. And Methuselah. And other Antediluvians. She's kinda hangry at this point.

Tremere attempts to rule the entire world using the Human Genome Project as the true name of the entirety of humanity. It lasts about two minutes before [Tzimisce] turns him into a meat crime, along with, uh, the entire rest of the world, aside from the players, who were part of Tremere's ritual and thus immune from it.

Also Saulot, who they just met in the form of a little old man.

Turns out, he planned it all along. Lured Tremere to him, knowing that his body was tainted by using Tzimisce blood to become a vampire. Knew that when the Eldest returned, he'd be succeptable, and Saulot would be able to bounce out when the Eldest took over. Now, he can lead the characters in the only way to stop Planet Tzimisce, which is, uh, prayer and letting themselves get eaten. Could actually work! And you end up human again in the bargain!

End result - all vampires gone. Some of the more human ones do end up human again. Either way, world's still fucked. Open Antediluvian rule for several months has destroyed most of humanity. There are still remnants - former Malkavians who are still a bit weird, former Tzimisce who are a bit... Vicissitudey. Ennoia's still around! She's mostly chill except when she occasionally feels like rearranging landscapes. Otherwise, it's time to recover.

Alternate endings - that last one wasn't depressing enough, so here's a scenario where All Is Tzimisce, here's one where there's global extinction of literally everything except the player characters who gradually drop into torpor and never recover (or just flat out burn if they're outside), or there's one where the players are the only vampires left and start a new cycle with them as the new Antediluvians or something, oh and Caine's still kicking and is Very Displeased that God won't let him die already. Gooood times!

Rest is how to basically play it, and character sheets. Which go back to calling Sascha ‘it’ again *sigh* (And using the whole alien look despite explicitly mentioning that they look human again. Of course.)

So, final thoughts! Gehenna is... an interesting scenario. Lots of possibility for introspection. It’s very... apocalyptic, and that may bother a lot of people, since, well, for the most part, it’s going to be the end of playing your character as a vampire. Which I figure most people are playing Vampire the Masquerade for. So it’s basically either a hell of a finale, or you just don’t make use of it.

Favourite scenario did end up being Wormwood. I just really like the introspection and opportunity for hope. Did also enjoy Nightshade, but in a different way, I think? Like for Nightshade, I’d rather read it as existing characters working together, maybe as a novel, whereas for Wormwood I’d want to play it since it’s such an intensely personal kind of thing.

(I also still want a slumber party AU ngl.)

#vampire the masquerade #vtm #gehenna

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spatort · 3 years

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I’m at my parents’ house and I have too much time on my hands apparently, so it’s time for a trip down memory lane! More specifically, a trip into the weird world of 1990s for-profit teen idol RPF, such as this beauty:

No, I did not find this at my parents’ house, I bought it second-hand specifically in order to make this post because I’m a person who enjoys studying fan culture in her free time. So, if you’re wondering what the hell the monstrosity pictured above is, and why it exists, don’t worry, I’m about to answer that question extensively.

LONG (AND HOPEFULLY FUN & INTERESTING) POST UNDER THE CUT

Let’s start with a bit of history: In the pre-internet era, fan culture differed from today in a few key regards. Although fanfiction existed, without the internet it was much harder for fans to share their stories with each other. Large fandoms such as Star Trek did have fanzines where fanfic could be printed, but all in all it was a much more niche thing than it is today with millions of fics accessible on AO3.

Fan culture in general, however, was a big thing in the 90s – particularly when it came to pop acts that appealed to teen (and tween) audiences, such as the Backstreet Boys, the Spice Girls, or (mostly in Europe) the Kelly Family. When I was in elementary school, you basically had to pick whether you were a BSB or an NSYNC fan – and god forbid you were a Kelly fan like me, then you were the lowest rung on the social ladder and the target of relentless mockery. Like many German kids in the 90s, me and my sister would religiously read teen magazine BRAVO, cut out every single bit of material about our faves and collect them in folders and self-made fanzines. We created fan art and fanfiction without having words for these things. Without the internet and social media, fans did not have a constant stream of content about their idols, and were left with no other choice but to cling to every bit of information they could find in magazines, on TV shows, or on the radio.

Enter a savvy businessperson who comes up with the perfect merchandise product to sell to these popstar-obsessed teens: fan novels! These books, featuring taglines such as ‘The novel for all Backstreet Boys fans’, typically revolved around a relatable female teenage protagonist who is a fan of the celebrity or music group in question, and usually ends up meeting their idol or, gasp, even becoming romantically involved with them. As far as themes go, they look pretty much exactly like your classic self-insert RPF. Except there is a big difference setting these books apart from ‘actual’ fanfiction: Rather than being written by real fans to express their ‘fannish’ feelings about the subject, fan novels were most likely commissioned works created by professional romance authors purely to profit off of actual fans. There is very little background information available about this ‘genre’, but I did stumble across an academic work on Google Books which featured a passage about these fan novels (translated into English by me):

There are several commissioned works by professional authors, which could be mistaken for fanfiction. Especially in the 1990s, when lots of boy bands were on the market, many books of this kind were published. […] These are fictional stories for fans [redacted].

Jennie Hermann: Backstreet Girl. Projektionsfläche Popstar - Wenn der Fan zum Schriftsteller wird (2009) [Popstar as Projection Surface – When fans become writers]

One of the things I find most intriguing about this type of commercially published fanfiction is the question of personal rights. Obviously, the celebs in question or their management must have consented to using their names in the story, their pictures on the cover and so on – because a profit could be made with this. Especially with the fan debate around RPF allegely being unethical, I wonder if the celebrities themselves were aware someone was writing these stories about them, putting words in their mouth, and if they had any clue what exactly happened in these novels. Now, I’ve read a couple of them in my own youth. Some of them deal mostly with the state of being a fan, e.g. I recall a novel about a girl who is so obsessed with Leonardo Di Caprio that she doesn’t pay attention to real life guys at all, only to learn that her actual dream boy has been in her life all along! This story did not feature Di Caprio himself as a character, it was more about the protagonist’s arc of realizing your idols are not all that matters in life. Others do describe fan encounters with teen idols, and some even feature (hints at) romance with a celebrity. When I decided to purchase a vintage copy of one of these books, I opted for one of the latter category, precisely because of the popular argument that writing romance stories featuring real people is somehow ‘wrong’. For only a couple of euros, I was able to get my hands on a weird and wonderful relic of fan culture: Mein Frühling mit Nick (My spring with Nick) by the likely pseudonymous Maxi Keller, heralded on the book cover as ‘the novel for all fans of the Backstreet Boys’.

The story revolves around 16-year-old musical prodigy and designated wallflower Katharina, who lives in a German small town and cares about nothing else than playing the organ – certainly not about boys, let alone ones that are super-famous American pop stars. This means she is not initially a fan of the Backstreet Boys, which I guess is something of a trope itself – the protagonist meeting a celebrity by chance without knowing who they are and the celeb being thrilled that someone doesn’t just like them for their fame. Anyway, the boys visit Katharina’s hometown while on tour in Germany because band member AJ is doing some research on his German ancestors who happened to live in this very town. Katharina runs into them, she and Nick (who was only 17 himself when this was published in 1997, so it’s legal) fall in love at first sight, she helps them dig up information on AJ’s ancestors and finds out the two of them are related, the boys invite Katharina and her friend Saskia backstage after their show and … nothing happens. The book is 200 pages long and Katharina doesn’t even get one kiss with her boy band sweetheart, even though they mutually crush on each other right away. Perhaps that’s as far as the band or their management agreed for the novel to go – a hint at romance, but no trace of any on-page action, no matter how innocent.

That said, the book is so hilariously poorly written that it was still very entertaining to read. Although I could not find out anything about the author Maxi Keller, and therefore assume this might be a pseudonym, their writing style very much suggests that their are a professional romance author who usually writes for an older audience (plus, the book was published by Bastei Lübbe, who also publish a range of cheap romance novels known as ‘Romanhefte’). The language is extremely flowery at times, and even teenage characters speak with an eloquence that is hardly age-appropriate, with some 90s teen slang peppered in at unfitting times (such as the overuse of the English word ‘girl’). Often the novel loses itself in pointless detail that does nothing to move the plot forward (such as an extensive description of a house party hosted by Saskia’s rich parents, with minute details of their luxurious lifestyle and assets, even though Saskia is only a supporting character in the overall plot). It appears as if the author is desperately trying to fill the pages with meaningless drivel so they don’t need to write too many scenes featuring the presumed main attraction, the boys themselves.

If Keller was indeed merely hired to write this, and is not a fan themselves, one must still admit that the author did their research when it comes to the band. Whereas fanfiction typically assumes that the audience is already familiar with the characters and often skips any introductory descriptions of their appearance or personality, Keller makes sure that even a reader who is completely unfamiliar with the Backstreet Boys can keep up. The author delivers extensive descriptions of the boys’ appearance and demeanor, even spelling out their full names repeatedly, and frequently peppers in ‘fun facts’ such as ‘Kevin was raised on a farm in Kentucky’. While an actual fan might do so to prove how knowledgeable they are, and earning their status as a ‘true fan’, in this case it only seems like Keller really wants to show off how much research they did – as if not a single piece of information they took in must go to waste by not being used in the novel.

When it comes to the question how realistically the non-fannish author replicates the way the boys act and speak, there are two barriers to delivering a well-founded answer: Firstly, I was personally very young when BSB were popular and I really don’t remember too well what each member was like. Secondly, the elephant in the room: the language barrier. All of the aforementioned fan novels were written in German, and the problems posed by writing about an English-speaking band interacting with German OCs (and teenage ones at that) are addressed poorly, if at all. Pretty much all dialogue is written in German, and the audience is left to assume that everyone is actually speaking English whenever the boys are involved – except the novel does nothing to explain why two 16-year-old German girls would be able to express themselves so effortlessly in a foreign language. (Remember, the internet was not a thing, so German kids were not exposed to the same amount of English in everyday life as they are these days.) It would have been easy to make one of them a language nerd who gets straight A’s in English class, and give the other a British parent and make them bilingual. Instead, Katharina initially even worries about the prospect of having to talk to boys at all, and in English on top of that! But when she actually does, the language barrier never comes up again. The suspension of disbelief expected from the reader is therefore immense. The language barrier also gives the author an easy way out when it comes to imitating the way the boys speak in real life – there is no need to take into account idiolects or regional differences (such as ‘you guys’ vs. ‘y’all’) if the boys’ speech is essentially translated into a foreign language. However, I wanted to give you guys (or y’all, if you will) a taste of how Keller attempts to write a scene where AJ and Nick discuss the latter’s crush on Katharina:

I would argue that this sounds realistic enough for what it’s worth, if a little cheesy, which is excusable in this genre. Perhaps a true 90s BSB fan would beg to differ, so if you happen to be one, feel free to drop me a message. But in my semi-professional opinion, this most likely holds up for readers.

So, to answer the initial question that drove me to purchase this book: Do fan novels like Mein Frühling mit Nick count as fanfiction?

If we assume that something is only a fanfic if the author themselves is a fan of the subject matter, then I would argue no, Maxi Keller is probably not a fan themselves and therefore this work of for-profit real-person fiction does not qualify as fanfic. However, fan novels definitely have a (however small) place in the history of fan culture and fan-adjacent works, and I personally found reading this relic both entertaining and insightful!

#fanfiction #fanfic #backstreet boys #nick carter #german stuff

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goldmajesty · 4 years

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kageyama internalizes everything he’s told: an hq!! meta about kageyama’s development

note: i accidentally deleted the original meta while trying to make an edit. i’m reposting it again!

everyone and their mother knows about kageyama’s growth, most explicitly shown when hinata (re)crowns him in chapter 224. what i want to focus on is how kageyama is continuously evolving from the beginning, specifically in four panels in chapter 22. note: kageyama's change can be seen before chapter 22, from practicing for the 3-on-3 with hinata to the actual 3-on-3 to the practice match against seijoh but i'm only going to be analyzing panels from the practice match against the neighbourhood association. the four panels i'll be dissecting are simple and nothing extraordinary but man, oh man, was i struck by them. there's quite a lot to unpack so strap in folks!

contextual summary:

hinata is gazing at asahi, whose playing with the neighbourhood association, across the net. asahi's spikes are powerful and he has a support network with suga and noya, all which hinata recalls the tiny giant having when he saw him play on-screen. at this point, hinata has ignored what kageyama was saying because he was so in awe of asahi and what it means to be the ace.

let's start with panel 1:

kageyama sees hinata being captivated by the ace and the ace position and by this point, kageyama has told hinata at least twice (or thrice?) that his position as middle blocker and decoy is as equally important and cool as the ace. but kageyama sees hinata being struck by just how cool the ace is both in action and up close. the look on kageyama's face, brows furrowed and mouth slightly agape, is a look of concentration as he's trying to decipher what hinata might be thinking about the ace and his own position as decoy.

panel 2:

so now kageyama has concluded that hinata is probably thinking that being a decoy isn't all what kageyama and noya said it'd be in comparison to the ace. with furrowed brows and a hard look (a look that's slightly different from the one in panel 1), kageyama starts with "hey" and ends with "..." when hinata turns around and cuts off his speech bubble with that ecstatic glow and smile and blush and those praising words. what kageyama thought hinata was thinking wasn't it at all.

panel 3:

now that kageyama sees hinata gush in awe, his envy still present but overall just honest praise and in awe of the ace, kageyama goes "..." against a black backdrop, which is meant to draw out comedy but it goes further than that—the backdrop also indicates a sudden change in kageyama's thought and perception of hinata. kageyama still has that concentrated look but it's different from the perceiving look in panel 1 and the frustrated, ready-to-yell-at-boke™ in panel 2. now that face is thinking deeply about hinata's expression, words and what they mean rather than relying on body language alone in panel 1. with the new information given in panel 2 (hinata’s praise and awed expression), kageyama is thinking about how exactly hinata's mind works when he's up against someone who is a rival/teammate/taller/more powerful and with the position he aspires for.

panel 4:

and then it all clicks. kageyama's face is no longer intensely concentrated and he's walking away with a calm, causal expression, saying "nothing." so many things are happening here. not only is there a complete contrast with what we see in panels 1-3 but we see kageyama come to a full understanding of hinata's stance against the ace position and inspiring rivals.

A) in contrast to panel 3, the background is white (it's not of the gym! but! white!!!), indicating it's not a backdrop of deep thinking but clarity. kageyama has concluded his earlier understanding was a misunderstanding.

B.1) in contrast to panel 2, while kageyama and hinata are in the same positions (foreground and background, respectively), the expressions are completely different. compared to panel 2, where kageyama was cut off and hinata was fangirling nonstop, kageyama is the one who completes his sentence and hinata is the one without words (he's just a question mark much like kageyama's "...").

B.2) also notice how kageyama's "hey..." and hinata's "what?" break the panel borders. both of those are moments when they don't expect what the other is going to say/is thinking; both of those are moments where they miscomprehend what the other's body language says. these miscomprehensions (”hey...” and “what?”), while understandable why one may come to those initial conclusions, exist outside of what’s actually going on in the characters’ minds/in the panels.

C) in contrast to panel 1, kageyama and hinata are in opposite positions. now, kageyama is dotted like hinata in panel 1. now, hinata is the one looking at kageyama, trying to figure out what kageyama wanted to say and why he said "nothing." it's amazing—hinata is over kageyama's shoulder like kageyama was in panel 1 and kageyama's head cuts off at the border like hinata's. the difference is that the reader sees kageyama's face unlike hinata's and that's telling because he actually speaks (even though kageyama reveals "nothing" to hinata, hinata doesn’t have to just rely on reading kageyama’s body language, he can rely on the word kageyama spoke), and we subtly end up knowing more about kageyama, meaning that…

...in conclusion:

kageyama has completely understood what hinata is thinking and what his words mean. there's no self-doubt* in hinata. there's no malicious thinking whatsoever. no double meaning, no hateful wishing, just admirable envy. and kageyama realizes all of this in just four panels; he doesn't need to berate hinata about how being decoy is important and as cool as the ace because that's not what hinata is thinking and kageyama gets that because he walks off cool as a cucumber. and because the reader sees him say "nothing" and because we literally see his face (unlike with hinata in panel 1 where we don't see his face and we may also conclude that hinata might be thinking lowly of his decoy position, if we didn't know better), kageyama has evolved in just a span of four panels. he learns about hinata but more importantly, the reader learns (if they're willing to infer) that kageyama is not just about to yell at his boke-hinata-boke™ teammate, but rather, he's trying to perceive and decipher and truly understand hinata, his teammate, and his thought process. and kageyama succeeds in doing so, a marvellous display of development from how we saw him in earlier chapters with his middle school team and before the 3-on-3. i'd even argue that kageyama learns another thing about how teammates work: you can praise and be inspired by each other, that there is such a thing as pure wonder at the thing you want most but can't have, and that hinata is much stronger than either of them realize. and this is all done without** kageyama being berated over the head by others to be a team player.

*see the note about hinata’s self-doubt after the TL;DR for further analysis.

**in chapter 2, daichi tells hinata and kageyama to learn what it means to be teammates and that learning process takes time but just being told once by daichi and once by suga in chapter 7 during the 3-on-3 ("there’s no way you can’t see your teammates too!”), kageyama internalizes that command and advice and actively tries to learn, which we see him do in these four panels.

TL;DR

kageyama evolves in four simple panels by 1) perceiving hinata's awe as possibly negative jealousy, 2) listening and hearing hinata's praiseworthy words and expression, 3) deciphering this new information and considering how his earlier deduction in panel 1 was misunderstood, and 4) walking off with a complete understanding of his teammate's psyche. it's just four simple panels but THIS is the moment when kageyama stops lecturing hinata about the ace/decoy debate and sees hinata isn't a loud puppy dog with redundant thoughts, rather he's positive and encouraging and a team player whom kageyama can learn from—and he does 🥰

a note on hinata’s self-doubt in chapter 22:

there’s no denying that hinata does actually think himself weaker than other players in height and skill level but it’s never negative jealousy or hateful wishing.

the panels below are right after those four panels above:

hinata experiences a moment of a lack of self-confidence but he shakes it out of his head. i’m hesitant to call this self-doubt because to me, it appears that his envy is leading him down a sad rabbit hole of low self-confidence (but no worries, we all know he’s going to get much, much stronger 💖)

this is the telling bit. asahi looks so powerful and tall and grand and accomplished in hinata's eyes (read the earlier bit in the chapter about hinata comparing what it means to be the ace between the tiny giant and asahi, about having a strong support network on court) and hinata can't help but feel jealous and saddened by the fact that he'll never grow to that height and that his position is decoy. no matter how much he develops into the greatest decoy, there will always be a part of him that strives to be the ace. then again, in these panels, hinata is more frustrated with his own lack of height, skill, and experience than feeling anything negative towards asahi/ace or the decoy position.

back to kageyama:

the moment daichi told kageyama and hinata to learn what it means to be teammates is the moment kageyama got put in his place, and what i mean by that is that in middle school no one bothered to really listen to kageyama and assess where he was coming from but good ol’ daichi does (along with suga, and tanaka to some extent) and like a good captain, daichi handles kageyama’s behaviour with respect. ever since daichi’s command and working with hinata, kageyama has tried to implement what he’s told and advised to do in his actions, leading to a constant evolution which we can catch ever so subtly on page. kageyama still has a long way to go in terms to developing trust with the team and players but karasuno is exactly what he needs. daichi, suga, tanaka and hinata are already aware of kageyama’s attitude problems from the middle school game and they know what to look out for but regardless, or rather because of that, they’re completely accepting of him. what’s left to do is build trust and understanding between teammates and kageyama is working on that constantly. he may lack people skills but i think he gives himself far less credit than he deserves.

edit (june 17, 2020):

fool. i am a fool.

sorry to everyone who read this lengthy post but disregard my statement about how “THIS is the moment when kageyama stops lecturing hinata about the ace/decoy debate” because kageyama does, in fact, yell at hinata about the ace debate in literally the next chapter.

i (originally) wrote this meta at 3AM and my brain literally forgot the iconic moment between kageyama and hinata, in which kageyama says “with me around, you are the greatest!” during the neighbourhood association match.

i’ve watched the anime three times in two months and it’s my first time reading the manga and i knew what to expect but still, my brain went d E L e T e. anyway, there will be a part-two to this meta about what happens in chapter 23 and how it relates to kageyama’s development in chapter 22.

#kageyama tobio #hinata shouyou #haikyuu!!#haikyuu meta #haikyuu!! meta #hq meta #hq!! meta #mine #haikyuu chapter 22 #haikyuu manga #karasuno first years #karasuno #haikyuu #hq!!#hq #I WAS SO SAD AFTER FINDING OUT I ACCIDENTALLY DELETED THE ORIGINAL POST #AND I'M SO SORRY TO EVERYONE WHO NOW DOESN'T HAVE LINK TO THE ORIGINAL POST #I KNOW HOW FRUSTRATING IT IS TO LOSE ACCESS TO A POST

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mdhwrites · 3 years

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Jumbled Thoughts: The Passive Character/The Passive Paradox

Oh no, I didn’t have anything to say last week! Oh, but it should be fine. I’m confident enough to not care. But maybe I’m just being nice and not saying anything. Which why should I do that!? It’s not like I can’t speak up for myself! Now might not be the best time though. Maybe next time? Oh, if only I had any consistency! Evil grin. Let’s talk, shall we?

So, for now, we won’t talk about the Paradox aspect of this. We need to first clarify what the archtype is, which in and of itself is paradoxical. After all, when you think about a passive character, people like Hinata or Fluttershy. Shy characters who are willing to listen and stay quiet and allow others to do things around them without input. They act, theoretically, passively. That’s the crux of the problem. Being shy is an archtype with being passive being a trait within that that is directly tied to their character because being shy often means being quiet.

A passive character is only this singular trait but in a macro sense. A passive character is not, in fact, a character, but a writing tool. The most common version I see is one that is CLOSE to a shy character. One who is kind and gentle enough that when they give into other’s demands it seems like it’s just part of that social awkwardness and fear. But then, they’ll be more than happy, even happy, to go to social events and large crowds because they think it’ll be fun, but only if other main characters want to join in. They’ll say things don’t bother them and that they’d rather avoid conflict but are ALWAYS ready for it and seem to be able to have their fight switch flipped at any second unless that day they’re feeling extra serene. They are happy, kind, caring, and completely likable.

But fuck you if you want to pin down an actual character in that mess. After all, what mask do you use? Do you use their happy, cheerful mask? Their shy, quiet mask? Their angry mask? And I call these masks because they’re face value. They aren’t character depth, like a shy girl’s anger (though that is a topic for another day because I am getting fucking tired of that trope), but instead just roles they slip into for when it’s convenient. They’re a plot device that can talk to. Without a properly defined character, the audience has a lot harder of a time ever saying they’re ‘out of character’ while they do anything that helps move the plot along or develops other characters.

But they do do things which is part of the paradox. How much their actions define their character rather than feeding off of, or benefiting, others is a lot of how to figure out what they’re like. These characters’ actions more often define either the situation or other characters. Need to have a character revelation? Include another main character while making it about one of those basic traits the audience knows about and you don’t need to do anything with the passive character to expand on this but instead a door opens for this other character. Need someone to make a heroic action that means nothing? Sure looks good for the passive character to do it if you can’t justify anyone else doing it. But the second that it would be better for them to stay quiet or step back, they do it without a second thought. They meld into the background, waiting for the next time they’re needed outside of maybe a token representative of their one interest so they aren’t literally just a part of the wallpaper.

And... you’ll like them for these things. That’s the bigger part of the Paradox. Passive characters are LIKABLE. Everything they do is meant to be inoffensive but also interesting enough that as a kickoff for other things, you at bare minimum don’t mind it. You don’t question it. That’s part of why these characters emulate shy characters so much. They can borrow all that relatable awkwardness with not having that infuriating problem of not acting when it is genuinely important because that would make them less likable and make them less useful. The fact that they’ll easily fit as a catalyst for other character’s growth that can’t be done through friends shouting at each other or tragedy will make you see them as a crucial element of the party and the good feelings you have towards that other main character rubs off on them for being so useful in helping define their character.

It’s also why this is a MACRO talk. In a micro sense, if done well, you wouldn’t notice this. If done poorly, they’ll slide into something less likable like a walking exposition dump or someone who exists purely to be kidnapped without a personality attached to them. However, what happens if you want to do a character piece on them? Do something that is focused on them? Where you actually have to define their character in order to have a story happen? Well... you can’t. Not without losing the tool.

This is also the best litmus test as a writer to double check if one of your characters is slipping into this. Of course, it’s actually better to have people outside of yourself do this because you may be able to figure out something because you have novels, seasons, etc. of development for them in your mind and just haven’t gotten that on the page. Well, what can someone who doesn’t have that do with them. And another caveat is that having them as just the main character isn’t enough. These stories should include other main characters as little as possible. Any interaction with other characters should purely reflect on the character in question’s personality and how they deal with things. If it’s a buddy episode where the angry person takes out the passive character and, oh, this time they simply pushed their friend too hard and so they learn that they should respect other people’s boundaries isn’t about the passive character, it’s about the angry one.

Which, for most people, won’t be hard. Archtypes exist and so long as they can identify some real part of them to one of those, you should be able to make a short story for them without contradiction. Your smart guy? Nuerotic breakdown as they overthink a problem and have comedic failures as their desperation grows larger and larger until at the end another character shows up and points out they forgot the most basic part of it and the smart character finishes their project. This other character doesn’t even need to be another main character but anyone who will let the smart character be reminded to start with the simple instead of assuming that their intelligence would never fail them in such a dumb way.

Angry character? An episode all about them going through the aggravations of normal life where we get to see them deal with situations they can’t just punch or scream at which ends with them showing why they’re so explosive with their friends because that’s there one real chance to let out all of those things that bother them and how much they trust the other characters to be understanding that that’s just who they are.

Shy character? A PROPERLY shy character? Send them to market. Flea market, farmer’s market, etc. and WITHOUT prompting from someone else. Have them notice that they need or want something and thus have to go out. Then we get a chance to see how this character who is normally so afraid and seems like they’d have a panic attack the second they left their house alone functions from day to day. But don’t have them just talk to people. What tricks do they have to get transactions over with as fast as possible? How do they avoid the really big crowds? What calming techniques do they have for when they are stranded and in over their heads? How as a person do they function?

Meanwhile, the passive character goes to market, goes to the stall they want, pays for the item they want, and then leaves. They roll their eyes at everyday nuisances like some normal person and gets to where they’re going without a problem because it’s not important enough to act upon, either to themselves or the plot. They also don’t obsess enough to miss little things, or get truly upset at failure. You can theoretically try to get a passive character into any of those three situations, as they’re usually knowledgeable enough to be able to help the smart character in the group but not so smart as to not be explained at too, but because they aren’t defined enough in any of these things being so crucial to them that they won’t fit without someone else pushing them hard enough to make them act. Without that outside catalyst, you will actually manage to make them feel either out of character or redundant because you could have done the concept better with someone who is actually that sort of character.

And as a quick note: These examples I gave would of course be commonly overblown and exaggerated but they have a basis in real world issues and questions that actual people with these traits have to face. How do you handle errands when being around others gives you anxiety? When you have anger issues, how do you deal with it and how do you release it? When you think you know everything, how could you forget to make sure your computer was plugged in? These are relatable issues that will ring especially hard with people like them, even if taken to an extreme.

So, the end takeaway? Don’t fear using archtypes and make sure you give characters definition. Don’t make characters who serve only other characters. I know these are basic things that feel like they shouldn’t need to be mentioned but, well, did you make sure your computer is turned on?

Anyways, what do you think of the concept? Think I’m blowing up to something that isn’t a real problem? And what passive characters can you think of? I didn’t use an example this time because it felt like too much like simply a character dissection but the one who brought this to my attention was Willow Park of The Owl House, who has an episode literally titled “Understanding Willow” where we learn nothing truly new about them and it only really serves to help another character’s development and redemption arc. I am not even kidding. But, until next time, I hope you all have a wonderful day and farewell.

#Writing #Writing analysis

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myselfsquared · 5 years

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I'm so sorry to bother you and feel free to ignore this if it's annoying but PLEASE I am literally begging for more info about Cynthis??? PLEASE???? I LOVE HIM??? MUST KNOW???? ✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨

Literally none of these asks are a bother at ALL, quite the opposite, so please don’t apologize! It makes me SO happy to see people like my art and are interested in my characters! So… I’ll try to cover the basics but if you wanna know more feel free to let me know!

Context: Cynthis exists in two settings, because I am weak for AUs and using the same characters over and over again in different things. First one is my comic “My Superhero Husband” which I made a teaser for a while back and plan on continuing it as soon as I have some free time on the side. Second, the one all the moodboard drawings are from, is a cyberpunk story/RP I’m writing with @reversedkore—we’re writing it for fun and it’s messy and it’s out of order, so we don’t really have any plans of sharing the full thing, but I can at least share some info, and maybe some pages of Cynthis’ backstory!

This is gonna be kinda long so I’m putting it under the cut, but please don’t feel obligated to read the whole thing!

Setting: We’re in the far future and there’s spaceships and there’s an intergalactic Empire who controls everything, and there’s androids, and it’s kinda dystopian, except most people are queer one way or another, because this is our story and we do what we want. Society is divided in two sides: the Noblus, who are like nobility except it’s a bought title, and they have to pay millions to keep it every year, and the Hands, who are literally everyone else.

The current Emperor, James, is the first Hand-turned-Noblus to earn the throne. He’s a bit of an arrogant self-centered prick who kinda ends up being the bad guy, but it’s complicated and we love him.

Magik: Due to experiments done decades ago, now a small percentage of people are born with powers that we’re calling “magik” because we are edgy and unimaginative like that. There’s three types of magik: Techs (communicate with technology), Warpers (they can literally warp the fabric of spacetime and do shit like teleport, time freeze, gravity control etc. which is fun but also their powers are killing them), and the most common ones, Shockers (different types of electrokinesis). The Empire doesn’t allow non-Noblus magik users the tech that helps them properly use their magik though, unless they join the military, the police force.

Backstory: So, Cynthis had to leave his home planet at a very young age and join the Fleet (their version of the military) so he could get the tech that helped him control his powers. He comes from a planet where all life is considered sacred, so for many years he refuses to kill. But unlike most Shockers, his power is limited to touch—he can’t send out stuff like bolts of electricity. Nobody really takes him seriously as a kid cause Shockers are like canon fodder and his powers aren’t that great, and purely out of spite he becomes the best one in class. If you have time to kill and you wanna read some snippets of his childhood, you can find them here.

Forward several years, he’s been part of special forces units, he’s earned some medals, and is considered one of the best the Fleet has to offer. And then the Emperor decides that Cynthis is both skilled and pretty, so he assigns him to be his personal bodyguard, and Cynthis hates this, but the money is very good. Then emotions and morality and a whole bunch of factors get involved and things get complicated.

Personality: Cynthis tends to be flat, cynical and sarcastic. Though he used to be a bit more idealistic, now he’s of the opinion that nothing ever changes anyway, so why even try? He also has a bit of a guilt complex and always tries to blame others for things. Despite that, he’s straightforward and honest, with no taste for small-talk and pleasantries. He is not great at understanding emotions and social cues, and is especially thick when it comes to realizing that someone is flirting with him. You could be handing him flowers and saying “I LOVE YOU” and he’d still be like “???” He has shitty self esteem.

Interests: Outside his job and training, his interests tend to change quickly. He picks up random hobbies all the time, and then some months later drops them: sewing, gardening, snowboarding, knitting, carving, fishing, hiking—you name it and the chances are he’s done it. Sometimes he comes back to them, sometimes he doesn’t. He loves plants though, that doesn’t change.

Mental Health: Though he keeps himself distracted most of the time, Cynthis doesn’t exactly have the best mental health possible. He shuts himself off from other people, and sometimes has self-harming tendencies. He has a lot of guilt surrounding things he’s done, and often goes through long depressive periods. Though he used to be more hopeful, that’s been replaced by cynical pessimism. He’s 33 and he feels old.

Dysphoria: Cynthis knew he was trans since he was a kid, but he couldn’t start hormone treatment till he was 18, because the Fleet did not allow it. He’s gotten top surgery since then, and that’s helped his dysphoria a lot, but doesn’t want bottom surgery. He’s not as bulky as most of the other guys he served with, and he’s not very comfortable with his body in general, but his dysphoria nowadays is more of a background thing, rather than something unbearable. There’s days where he doesn’t even think about it.

Relationships: Cynthis has a boyfriend called Archimedes, who is a Noblus fashion designer, and about 8 years younger than him. Archimedes is the kind of person who says he’ll get a coffee and orders a mocha with extra whipped cream, croissants on the side. I adore him. He’s idealistic, and naive, and sheltered from the world, but he’s incredibly kind. He hates the Emperor and the whole Empire system, but is too scared to leave his family and go fight for what he believes in. The two are very different but somehow click together. Archimedes makes Cynthis feel hopeful again.

Things get more complicated when James, the Emperor, gets involved. Though Cynthis hates him at first, over the years the two grow closer, and they end up having a very intense, somewhat toxic relationship. They bring out the best and the worst in each other. Cynthis can talk to him about things he’s never been comfortable discussing with Archimedes, and James actually begins it trust Cynthis and value his opinion.

A bunch of very messy things happen and plot and blah blah blah, but the most important point is that the “love triangle” turns to an OT3, and you can pry these three out of my cold dead hands.

Oh god this really has gotten long. Okay. I’m going to stop now?? Thanks for the ask and I hope this kinda answered some questions!

#cynthis

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coeurdastronaute · 5 years

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Either/Or: Christmas Day 1 (Hufflepuff)

The snow was a thick blanket atop every inch of the campus. The grounds were ancient and freezing if not for the roaring fires everywhere they could be lit. For a giant castle, the scenery was surprisingly perfect for the season. But for a giant castle, it was also freezing almost everywhere you turned. While the rolling hills were pure white, and the silhouettes of trees were knotty hands scratching at the cloud-grey sky, the lake sloshed around some ice but still lapped at the shore, curing its ache.

As the year started to end, the grounds at Hogwarts cleared out. It grew eerily quiet with the distinct lack of people for the holiday. Lena settled in her common room in front of the large fireplace, a giant book on astronomy open on her lap and a plate of her favorite sweets lounging on the arm of the couch.

It didn’t take much for the administration to agree to let Lena stay. There wasn’t anywhere to go, and her inheritance wouldn’t be available until after she graduated. Instead, Lena Luthor would remain on campus grounds like a ward of the state. Due to the limited staff, she more than likely wouldn’t see another living creature, and she was pretty okay with that after the introduction back to her old classmates after what her father did.

There was already a list of things Lena hoped to do since she would have the whole place to herself for a while. A stack of books sat beside her bed, waiting to be shortened. She was going to use the Astronomy tower unimpeded by anyone else rushing her along. She was going to give herself some un-supervised time on her broom to see if she could get over her initial dislike of it. She was going to create a whole map of the grounds, every nook and cranny. It’d be the first of its kind, and she was eager to do it.

But, as usual, Lena Luthor didn’t take into account Kara.

She hadn’t the first time she met her, nor the day she returned back to Hogwarts, nor the afternoon she kissed her. In all actuality, Lena didn’t even realize how often she didn’t remember that her maybe girlfriend was a force to be reckoned with, and was even more stubborn than herself, which was saying a lot.

“Wha-- What are you doing?”

“I’m reading,” Lena muttered without even looking up from her book.

She didn’t have to move to know that the tall chaser was leaning against the doorway, crossing her arms in front of her chest, while the rest of her relaxed. Lena knew she’d be in her muggle clothes, in those jeans and that comfy, thick sweater that covered her hands and looked nice against her blonde waves.

Lena just knew that Kara existed like that. She could sense it.

“No, I see that,” Kara furrowed. “But why aren’t you ready to go?”

“Um… because I’m not going anywhere,” she snorted and turned the page.

“You’re coming home with me. I thought we’d already been through this.”

“Do you mean when you told me what I should be doing for Christmas break? Or when you told me to think about it, but still gave me that damned pout that you know is the worst kind of effective on me?” Lena listed calmly tucking a marker into her book before she shut it. “Or when I told you thank you, but I’d rather be left alone?”

“Yeah, all of those times,” she nodded. “What are you going to do, sit around all break and mope?”

“I have plans.”

“Lena, this is insane. I thought you were just being dramatic.”

“I say what I mean and I mean what I say.”

Only when Lena looked up at finally met Kara’s eyes did she see how angry she’d grown at how ridiculous it all must sound. She balled up her fists and her face contorted slightly from the ease of happiness that always seemed so natural. The red of her anger grew up her neck and to her cheeks.

“You want to stay here, alone, in an empty school with no one but ghosts to keep you company instead of coming to your girlfriend’s home, that is warm and cozy and full of people and food and holiday cheer?”

There was hurt there, beneath the controlled anger. Lena heard it and she felt it more than normal.

“Your offer was sweet, but I don’t want to make your holiday weird. I know what my broth--”

“No one cares.”

“I care,” she interjected before the familiar talk of support.

If one thing was certain, it was that Kara was Lena’s number one fan and biggest supporter. She wouldn’t take any sense of doubt from Lena about her place in the world and what she was rightfully entitled to at the very least.

“I invited you because I want you around. I don’t want you to be miserable and alone. I wanted to spend time with you because you’re my-- you’re my-- you’re my girlfriend, and more than that, I care about you, and I want you to be happy.”

Kara sputtered her words and turned slightly shy at the honest in them. She scratched the back of her neck and looked at Lena for just a quick seconds before retreating to the ground as she scratched a little higher.

It was a decision that Lena thought she’d already made. She thought she didn’t have to do it formally because she thought Kara left already and she thought that the offer was just out of kindness. And it was, but now, she learned it was also something more.

Lena looked at her book and back at her newly confirmed girlfriend and her heartbeat a little quicker and a little warmer at the news.

“I planned stuff for us to do,” Kara shrugged. “But if you want to stay, you can. Not that you need my permission, I’m just saying. I get it. It’s stupid, but I do.”

“It’s not stupid.”

“It’s stupid to lock yourself away and make me waste my time off worrying about you.”

“I don’t--”

“Nothing matters. They’ll love you,” she promised quickly, capitalizing on indecision while she could.

On the couch, Lena shifted her legs before looking at her book and then to her list of all the things she planned on doing before looking back at Kara and nodding to herself.

“It’ll take me about five minutes to pack.”

The Danver’s home was everything Lena thought it would be. Gone was the frigid and exacting cold of the expansive grounds at school, and in the place of the monolithic structures and impersonal facade was a quaint three story row house in the heart of London.

Throughout the block, lights and decorations illuminated the other yards, so that the entire street glowed. Sidewalks were cleared, but snow stacked on railings and roofs. It wasn’t cramped, but it was very close. Everything was kind of stacked up together, and the windows were golden and orange and filled with frost and people smiling.

Lena didn’t want to admit that it was a much better way to spend the holiday that what she had planned alone at school.

“This is going to be great,” Kara cheered.

“I’ve never played something like this before,” Lena fret as she took the seat on the floor beside her girlfriend.

The family crowded around the coffee table that was now holding only the board game. Each set it up in their own way, and Lena watched with rapt attention. Much of her visit to the muggle world included simple amazements at the most basic things, much to Kara’s enjoyment.

But Lena never had a chance to experience the muggle world. She was forbidden, and no one spoke as to why, but it was at least a thought once for everyone in attendance.

There were no enchantments on the house. Lena expected it to be different when she walked inside, but there was no charm making it larger. It was cozy and full of people. Kara’s aunt and uncle, who raised her from the age of eight, seemed to have a knack for adopting entire hoards of lost ones.

While the parents sat on the couch, Alex and her girlfriend shared a chair. Kara’s friends were on the other side, James and Winn taking a corner. The house was bursting at the seams with relatives that came to visit during the week, while the inhabitants filled it completely.

“I think you’re going to be very good at it,” Eliza smiled graciously as she placed little characters at the square marked ‘go.’

For some reason, it gave Lena a bit of courage. She wasn’t sure why, but the matron of the family had this way about her, of supporting and instilling a sense of security over whoever entered her home.

“That’s why you’re on my team,” Kara nodded. “I didn’t want to go against you.”

Her smile was mischievous and kind and warm and Lena sighed and sank deeper into her sweater that was a new addition to her wardrobe courtesy of the pretty girl beside her. It eclipsed her frame, but it made her happy.

A few hours and lots of yelling and laughing later, Lena did, in fact, win her first ever game of Monopoly, much to everyone’s amusement. Kara beamed and someone took a picture of them, only it wouldn’t move. It was stuck in that one instant forever-- with the plump Christmas tree shining and glittering with its red and green bulbs and handmade decorations in the background.

On the third floor, tucked in a small, back corner of the house, with its half sloping roof and small window, Lena found herself in a cozy room that acted as an office for someone. The couch was made up for her, her suitcase sat on the floor in the corner, and on the desk sat a few presents she’d picked up when Kara dragged her all over town showing her sights and letting her shop.

The entire visit had been spectacular, and for the first time during it, Lena let herself snuggle into the worn quilt and stare out the window at the rest of the neighborhood and wonder if this was something she could have or do in the future. It shouldn’t have been a crazy notion, but something about the holidays always made her a little forlorn and even torn. She longed for a family she never had, and wanted one she didn’t know how to.

The sounds of the house settled until it was fairly quiet. A car passed in the slush outside while the radiator warmed up and the fire crackled downstairs. The little space heater glowed bright red, making the room feel like the inside of a sauna. But Lena adored it.

But it was so quiet, that Lena heard the gentle steps from across the attic, when from Kara’s room a body crept. A small tap echoed hollowly in the Christmas Eve night.

“Hey,” Kara whispered, slowly opening the door. “I can’t sleep.”

“I thought your family was joking about how excited you get for Christmas.”

In the dim light, Kara smiled shoved her hands in the pockets of her festive holiday pyjamas. Lena sat up slightly on the couch.

“I just wanted to check on you. See how you were doing. It’s been a crazy visit, and I know this isn’t your cup of tea usually.”

“This has been the best.”

“Yeah?”

“Truly,” Lena promised.

Kara slid onto the couch when Lena tugged her knees up to her chest.

“I’m sorry I didn’t come visit you at night sooner. I didn’t want to impose, or make it weird.”

“And you’re afraid of Eliza,” Lena grinned.

“But its Christmas Eve, and I kind of wanted to spend it with you. Maybe stay up and watch a movie.”

“Another Christmas one?”

It was almost a groan that Lena let out, though Kara looked too cute nodding eagerly as she pulled that black phone out of her pocket.

“Someone’s got to corrupt you with all of the muggle stories,” Kara settled against the couch.

Somewhere between propping the phone on the little table and putting her arm on back the couch, Kara felt Lena snuggle into her side and share her blanket. Still new and not quite sure how to have a girlfriend, she felt her body buzz with this warmth and electricity just below the surface of her skin at the contact.

“Thank you for not letting me stay at school,” Lena muttered about halfway through the film. She had her arm wrapped around Kara’s ribs and she heard her heart beating in her chest.

When Kara looked down at the girl who was keeping her grounded, she was met with Lena’s eyes, and even in the dim light of the space heater and the movie, she was distracted by them. So she kissed Lena. Soft and sleepy and cozy, she kissed her and smiled halfway through because she couldn’t contain how happy she felt.

“Thank you,” Kara mumbled, unsure what to say after a kiss like that.

Lena blushed and resumed her spot.

A few seconds later, Kara found herself unable to concentrate on the movie, and she watched fat flakes begin to fall finally outside. She hugged Lena a little more and settled into the couch.

“Happy Christmas, Lena.”

“Happy Christmas.”

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iohourtime · 5 years

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Moeyo Ken (Burn! O Sword) - Novel Recap 2

This is the second part of the recap of Moeyo Ken, which will be adapted into a 2020 movie directed by Harada Masato. I will talk about the characters as they were described in the novel in more detail. If you want to learn more about the background of the novel and a brief description of the plot, please click here for the first post. This post will have spoilers.

The Characters

I am going to go with this order instead of the order of the cast list: Oyuki (Shibasaki Kou), Serizawa Kamo (Ito Hideaki), Hijikata Toshizo (Okada Junichi), Kondo Isami (Suzuki Ryohei), and Okita Souji (Yamada Ryosuke).

Oyuki

She was an original character created by Shiba to serve as the love of Hijikata’s life. Historically, there were no records of Hijikata forming deep attachments with any women. She followed her late samurai husband from Edo to Kyoto to learn to paint, so when he died, she continued to live there. Hijikata literally stumbled into her small apartment after a fight and fell in love immediately, but he treated her with respect (i.e. he didn’t immediately try to sleep with her). He viewed her as more than his wife1 and even took 2 days off to spend some time with her. (The man never took time off.) She was strong willed, kind and loved Hijikata, but that was pretty much her whole storyline. Based on filming reports, it seems like Harada is bringing her character into the story much earlier than the novel, and she's number two on the cast list, so maybe she has a bigger role in the movie.

Serizawa Kamo

He was the first commander of the Shinsengumi. Serizawa Kamo was not his real name and there were rumours that he was hiding from something. Kamo means duck, actually, which was an odd choice. Anyway, although his gang occupied key positions within the group, Hijikata made sure the real operational power rested with the Vice Commander and the team leaders, which were mostly filled with Kondo’s gang. Hijikata also asked Kondo to play a fool in front of Serizawa's gang so they wouldn't suspect the eventual coup.

Serizawa was crude and petty. One time, he killed a sumo wrestler because the guy took his preferred spot or something petty like that. He also fired a canon at a rich family's mansion to get protection money from them. The Bakufu was horrified and secretly told Kondo and Hijikata to get rid of him, not that they weren’t already plotting to do so. Okita once made a strange comment2 about how Serizawa might be the most “innocent” of them all, and director Harada said he wanted to explore that in the movie. I don’t know what to make of it since Serizawa was portrayed as a brute in both novels. Perhaps Okita meant he had no agenda? I don’t know. That Souji was a strange boy.

Anyway, Kondo’s faction made one of Serizawa’s right-hand man commit seppuku for failing the bushido. This move weakened Serizawa's faction and although he was angry, he did nothing to retaliate or protect himself. On the night of Serizawa's assassination, the kill squad disguised themselves as ronin and surprised Serizawa when he was being amorous with his mistress. They also killed anyone who might recognize then. After Serizawa’s death, the other 3 members were either killed in a fight or forced to commit seppuku.

The Trio

The Shinsengumi was really controlled by Kondo and Hijikata, though no one wanted to admit it. Since Okita had them wrapped around his little fingers, he was the big boss! (Kidding 😁) Taking both novels into account, I think Kondo was the face of the group, Hijikata was the guy who got things done, and Okita was the guy who knew everything including gossips, but only dropped cryptic hints when it was warranted.

Warning: major spoilers coming up.

Hijikata Toshizo

Hijikata Toshizo started off as an aimless punk (a baragaki) who dreamed of becoming a samurai. He even wore his hair pseudo samurai style, which was not what farmers did back then. He was rather handsome with cool and refreshing eyes and women loved him. He loved to sleep with women who he perceived to be above his social status. The first few pages of the novel were rather shocking to my modern sensibilities - his conquering of this priest’s daughter was straight up rapey, even though the reader was reminded that it was how things were back in those days and the girl subconsciously expected him to drop by or some $hit like that. I don't know why Shiba put in this fictional detail because it's unnecessary to the plot. Even if it presented a contrast to the man he eventually became, it's not like Toshizo didn't already do a lot of questionable things early on. Perhaps he hated Toshizo? 😅

Anyway, he started an affair with a woman with status he met during a temple (sex) festival3. Unfortunately, when he got caught sneaking out of her room one night, he accidentally killed a well known swordsman. This incident drove the story in the Hino arc as Shichiri, a member of a rival dojo, seeked justice for the dead (really an excuse to get rid of a business rival). Toshizo got into a few battles of wits & strength with Shichiri, through which we learned that despite Toshizo being a farm boy, he was a natural born strategist who specialized in guerilla warfare.

The Shinsengumi gave Toshizo a life purpose and allowed him to show off his organisational management skills. At that time in Japan, military and police organizations assigned two people doing the same job. Toshizo recognized the inefficiency in the structure, especially if they needed to mobilize quickly, so he borrowed from the French army and introduced this revolutionary idea of having only one person in each position and splitting up the group into teams with different responsibilities that report up to an executive branch. Yes, it sounded logical now but it was radical back then! The most important thing was that he transferred the real power to the vice commander level.

Toshizo was gruff, undiplomatic, and ruthless in achieving his goals. He did come up with the harsh Shinsengumi code after all. In fact, Souji once told him that the Shinsengumi members kind of hated him. Even Souji hated him for a minute because of Yamanami. But as Toshizo told Souji afterwards, he chose to be hated. He just wanted Shinsengumi to become a force to behold and for Kondo to succeed as its leader, so he took on the bad guy disciplinary role in order that the members would continue to love and admire Kondo.

Toshizo also hated the academic type, so he butted heads with Yamanami and Ito. His distaste and distrust were partly born out of his own lack of education. He felt that educated people only knew how to talk theory and kiss ass, and they impeded his ability to do real work. (And jealousy?)

In the battle of Toba-Fushimi, even though the Bakufu suffered a huge loss, Hijikata’s squad was the only one that managed to do some damage against the modern Western artillery. The Bakufu started to notice Hijikata’s military prowess and eventually made him a vice commander in the army. He really came into his own in the northern arc after Kondo was gone.

The continuous battles and deaths really took a toll on Toshizo. Earlier in the novel, while strolling with Souji, he said he liked spring. Souji commented that people who liked spring tend to place their hopes and dreams in tomorrow. Yet in Toshizo’s final days, he told one of his underlings that he only fought for today. In one memorable scene before the final battle, he saw the spirits of his friends in his room. They all looked tired to him. Knowing it was time to end so everyone could rest, he sent his page Ichimura Tetsunosuke4 and Saito Hajime away on missions, saving their lives so they could pass on the stories of the fallen brothers. For Toshizo, instead of surrendering, he chose to face his enemies head on - fighting for the Shinsengumi and going out in a blaze. He was killed by a bullet5.

As Shiba himself said, Kondo was a hero during the peaceful times, but Hijikata was a hero during chaos. As much as the Shinsengumi was born in the wrong time, Toshizo was in his element. I'll let Toshizo himself summarize his world view with what he told Souji:

_"This is a sword. A sword is made by a craftsman to kill. The sword's characteristic and purpose are both simple. It's just like the military strategy books describe, its only purpose is to defeat the event. But look, look at the pure beauty. A sword is more beautiful than a beautiful woman. When I see beautiful women in front of me, I won't feel nervous. The beauty possessed by a sword could melt the stone heart of a man, and took a strong hold of him. That's why our purpose needs to be pure, our thoughts need to be pure. The Shinsengumi can only exist for this integrity. Souji, for me, no matter how the world changers, or whether Bakufu admit defeat and surrender, if I have a single breathe left, I'll persevere. Can I waver like Kondo? Up to now, I've covered my hands with blood to protect Shinsengumi. Serizawa, Yamanami, Ito… they all did by my hands. Why did I kill them? When they died, they were all facing death without wavering. If I waver now, then how do I face them in the afterlife? The journey of a man - is to create beauty, my own beauty. This is what I firmly believe." _(A very dude thing to say. 😏)

Kondo Isami

Kondo Isami was Toshizo's best buddy, or “sworn brother”. He was the fourth master of TRR. According to other people's description, he was a true leader, easygoing and generally loved by the squad. I didn't see any incident in the novel that supported that except for his command over the Ikedaya mission and what others said about him.

He was an uneducated farmer, so he loved hanging out with the educated people, yet he got jealous of them when they became more popular than him. Unfortunately, he was also very susceptible to flattery, so he tended to keep sycophants around him. Once he got a taste of success, he started politicking with the Bakufu, keeping mistresses and dressing above his station, and was quite concerned about status. So perhaps he would have been a good leader in peaceful times, he really came apart when things turned, making bad decision after decision. In other words, I kinda hated this novel's version of him. (I think he's normally portrayed in better light. 😅) Actually, I think Shiba disliked him too, as his depiction in both novels were not flattering. He was basically a fool who thought he was clever. Again, this may not be how he was in real life.

While Kondo might seem like a forthcoming guy, remember how he conned Serizawa's gang into believing he was weak and foolish. He also fooled Ito by pretending to become Tobaku, when he was just trying to get him drunk enough to be assassinated by Hijikata's team.

As the Shinsengumi grew, Kondo and Toshizo's vision started to diverge. Kondo cared more about becoming a daimyo (a feudal lord with land) while Toshizo wanted to expand. Kondo was so blinded by the land the Bakufu promised that he didn't realize they were going on a hopeless mission to take Koshu. In the end, Kondo and Toshizo parted ways in Nagareyama due to ideological differences: Kondo wanted to surrender and Toshizo tried to get Kondo to go with him.

Toshizo: When we were on the rise, you were such a great leader; now that we were going down, you changed and no longer want your dream.

Kondo: That's right. I don't want to be remembered as a traitor. I'm not like you. I understand the meaning of greater good.

Toshizo: The power structure changes with time, but isn't surrendering shameful for a man? Win or lose, it's not important. As a man, it's most important to follow one's dreams or die trying.

Kondo: For me, it's more important to follow the right path. Even though we had been comrades in battle forever, did we ever really had a common goal? Let's go our separate ways now.

Toshizo: I don't care. You're coming with me.

Kondo: Thanks for being there for me, but Toshi, please set me free. You built Shinsengumi and made me the commander, but looking back, the Kondo Isami then didn't feel like me. Let me go.

With that, Kondo left. Toshizo didn't chase after him but vowed to keep pursuing his dream. Shortly after, Kondo was captured and executed by the new government. So for someone who was concerned about his name, it was a sad way to go.

Okita Souji

Okita Souji was one of the youngest members of Shinsengumi. He was technically Toshizo’s senpai at TRR since he started learning kenjutsu at the age of 9. He first showed up in the novel when Kondo asked him to investigate Shichiri's dojo. Here was what Shiba casually mentioned in the first 4 pages he appeared.

“Okita bit down on his cute lips and grinned” [while telling Toshizi he was dumb].

“This young man of around 20 looked quite handsome in this outfit” [thought Toshizo].

“Okita was very well spoken due to his good upbringing and he also had a face as beautiful as that of an irokoshou*”, [Toshizo thought as he watched Souji greet the enemy].

_* A koshou refers to a page for a general. They are typically younger boys (15 or so) and were sort of like their personal assistants. An irokoshou was the type of page that also serviced the general sexually… so they tend to be extremely beautiful. _

So, Shiba really wanted the readers to know how good looking Souji was above all else. The novel likely solidified Okita Souji’s short, pretty boy image6 in popular media for decades.

Souji was said to be very innocent, childlike, and polite. When he wasn't working, you could find him playing with children who lived near Mibu Dera. He was smart as well. In the Hino arc, whenever Toshizo started describing the plan of attack, e.g. if Toshi said “you three go to this bridge in the cover of darkness”, Souji would immediately know what strategy he was going for.

Souji's swordsmanship was explained with an anecdote. Toshizo and Souji were challenged by Shichiri to a 2-on-2 duel. Toshizo knew Shichiri would try to lure them into a trap, so he planned a sneak attack. Souji was naturally nervous as he had never killed before, yet he still managed to kill 3+ of the 20 or so enemies. After they escaped, Toshizo was dumbfounded when he noticed Souji didn't get a single drop off blood on his clothes after killing all those people with a sword.

Souji didn’t seem to have any ambition. He was just following his “brothers” when he joined the roshigumi. In his own words, "I'll follow Kondo and Hijikata-san even to hell, although it would be nice if we are going to heaven." What Shiba emphasized in the novel was Toshizo and Souji's bond. In my opinion, Toshizo loved and spoiled Souji unconditionally and unlike most people, Souji could say anything to Toshizo and get away with it. Some examples:

"If you have time, you should read more books, then maybe you can become a good strategist too." That came after Toshizo started laying out his battle strategy.

After Toshizo explained why he chose to be the bad guy, Souji apologized, "I'm too dumb. I didn't know you did all that so the guys won't have to hate Kondo-san." Hearing this coming out of Okita's mouth, Toshizo felt like he was being teased. [Souji added], "Of course, it is also a personality thing."

I guess Toshizo couldn't get mad when Souji said this stuff while “tilting his cute head”. It is always a bit unclear if Souji just had no filter or if he was throwing shade.

Here is one of the most famous HijiOki scene from the novel. Toshizo might be your typical macho man, but he had a secret. Once a month, he would lock himself in his room and everybody would freaked out because they didn't know what he was up to. Except Souji of course. He knocked and cheekily listened to Toshizo frantically tidying up. Souji casually walked into the room and snatched the "Hougiku collection of haikus" from its hiding place. Yes, Toshi wrote spectacularly bad haikus under the pen name of Hougiku (this actually exists)7. Even though Toshizo was embarrassed, he still waited expectantly for Souji's critique of his new work and lit up when Souji said one of them was OK. (Pretty low standards. 😅)

Hijikata opened up to Souji about everything, especially matters of love. When Toshizo got back to HQ after getting injured and meeting Oyuki, Souji went to see him right after the doctor left.

Souji: You got me all worried!

_Toshizo: Sorry… I almost didn’t make it back. But Souji, I think I have fallen for a woman. _

Souji: Eh?

Toshizo: Don’t tell anyone, especially Kondo.

Souji: Then why are you telling me?

Toshizo: You are different.

Souji: Why am I different? Please don’t make me your love counsel.

Toshizo: Ha ha. You are!

I think Shiba intentionally got us to like the cute, childlike, and slightly devilish Souji to make the next part hurt. Souji did not die in battle. Instead, he spent a couple of years wasting away due to tuberculosis. Back then, tuberculosis was basically a death sentence. Once you contracted the disease, it was just a question of how long you have. Shiba didn’t go into details in Moeyo Ken, but in Shinsengumi Keppuroku, after about 2 hours of intense fighting at Ikedaya, Souji started coughing blood. Of course, he was such a badass he managed to chop off his assailant’s head before passing out8. The first time we saw him cough blood in Moeyo Ken was when he chased after Yamanami. (His illness was foreshadowed early on.)

Yamanami Keisuke decided he was done with the Shinsengumi. As you may recall, leaving the group was punishable by death and Toshizo was not going to make an exception. Even though Souji looked at Yamanami like a brother, Toshizo sent him to bring Yamanami back. For the first time in the novel, Souji looked horrified but he still complied. He set out on horseback but because of the cold winter air, he started coughing. He saw the blood on his gloves and thought "I'm going to die soon", though not with sadness or fear. He never seemed too bothered by his own mortality. Souji found Yamanami, who simply said had Toshizo sent anyone else, he'd kill him. Souji told Yamanami he could kill him and make a run for it. Perhaps Souji knew he was going to die anyway and was willing to let Yamanami escape? It didn't matter. Yamanami accepted his fate and asked Souji to be his second for his seppuku.

Souji was basically bedridden in the second volume, rapidly losing weight because he couldn't eat properly. He stopped taking all medicine except for Toshizo's family medicine because Toshizo told him those were effective. Like all fictional characters, as he got sicker, he grew more beautiful and "translucent" (透明感). One thing that never changed was his brilliant smile. He was so blasé about his inevitable death that Kondo found it fascinating.

He still had some pride though. When Yamazaki died, the squad decided to give him a funeral at sea and Souji went with them. He insisted on walking up and down the stairs by himself because he didn't want people see the captain of the first unit be so weak that he needed to be carried. At that time, he already lost half his lung capacity, so even the simple task of walking was a struggle. That didn't stop him from teasing Toshizo when he got a chance.

Perhaps nobody saw the end of Shinsengumi better than this dying young man. The night before the Toba-Fushimi battle, Toshizo went to see him. After talking, Souji suddenly looked at the ceiling and said "Youth is over." Was he talking about himself, or about the many Shinsengumi brothers who would die in the upcoming battles? Toshizo cried.

Even when he was sick, he still worried about Toshizo's love life. 😅 He made sure Toshizo knew Oyuki had moved to Osaka so he could see her. Before he died, Souji also asked a friend to look after Oyuki and made sure she could go see Toshizo in Hakodate afterwards.

Souji spent his final days back home. His sister, Mitsu, tried to stay with him for as long as she could but her husband would be transferred to Edo at any moment. When that day came, she would have to say goodbye to her baby brother forever. That day eventually came. When Souji heard the news, his face was crestfallen for a second before regaining his trademark smile. He held out his now bony hand for Mitsu to hold, but she didn't understand. The siblings talked about some trivial things and their parents. Suddenly, Souji asked, "When dad died, I was just 5 or 6. When I die, will I see them there?" Mitsu finally understood why he wanted her to hold his hand. "Don't be silly. You still have to get better and get a wife." Souji didn't answer. He just asked, "after I'm gone, will there be anyone to light an incense for me (i.e. remember me)?"

Around a month later, they found him dead, collapsed in the hallway, clutching his favorite sword. Legend said he was trying to kill a black cat (a bad omen) but instead, he lost his life. He was buried in the family plot in Tokyo. The following obituary was written about his short life.

"Okita Souji Kaneyoshi studied under Kondo Shusuke, the 3rd heir of Tennen Rishin Ryo since a young age and shown some talent. When he was 12, he faced Oahu Shirakawa Abe clan (?) in a duel and won. He made a name for himself in that clan.

Souji, formerly Sojiro Harumasa, later changed his name to Kaneyoshi. In the 3rd year of the Bankyu era, he joined the newly established Shinsengumi. At the tender age of 20, he became the assistant to the vice commander and captain of the first unit, participating in many missions.

_Unfortunately, life wasn't fair and he was not able to live to an old age. On the 30th day of May in the 4th year of the Keio era, he regretfully passed away." _

He was 24. Even though Kondo was executed a month before, he never found out about it. He died still believing his two “brothers” were alive, still fighting for their dreams.

Okita Souji in Moeyo Ken could seem a bit one dimensional - cute, cheerful, childlike. But was he? Souji was also the captain of the first unit, who probably had one of the highest kill count in the squad. Perhaps his desire to do anything to protect his beloved “brothers” outweigh his gentle nature. As so little was known about Souji, it would remain a mystery.

Notes

Back then, many marriages were arranged so the relationships might not be that great. Guys with Hijikata's rank typically had a mistress or two. Kondo had 3 separate households in Kyoto. ↩︎

In Shinsegumi Keppuroku’s “Assasination of Serizawa Kamo” chapter, which Harada mistakenly attributed to Moeyo Ken in his director’s comment on the movie’s website. ↩︎

Supposedly people in that period were pretty open about sex. So there were these festivals held at the temple where you could look for willing partners. Then they turned off the lights and you get down to business in the dark with the partner of your chose earlier. ↩︎

He was 15 when he tried to sign up with the Shinsengumi before the Toba-Fushimi battle. Although Hijikata knew he was lying about his age, he kept Ichimura as his koshou (page) because he looked like Souji. 😏 ↩︎

There is some debate as to whether the bullet came from the enemy side or his own side. ↩︎

There is very little known about Okita Souji as there were no photos or drawings. There were some fake photos online plus a drawing of what they thought he looked like based on pictures of his grand-nephew, although his family said he didn’t look like that painting. In some records, it was said that Okita was tall, his face was like a flounder, and he slouched, although he had a friendly smile. In another account, he was small and cute. In live action shows, he is generally depicted as having the Samurai / bald hairstyle. ↩︎

Here's a sample: "Even if a single plum flower blossoms, a plum is a plum." Yeah, I’m not sure what that means either. https://mag.japaaan.com/archives/27079 ↩︎

Apparently, once you start to cough blood, you don’t have long to live. Ikedaya happened a while before Souji’s death and since then, he participated in a few other missions, so it is quite unlikely he passed out due to TB. It is generally thought that he passed out due to an unrelated illness or heat stroke. ↩︎

#moeyo ken #novel #recap #okada junichi #shibasaki kou #suzuki ryohei #yamada ryosuke #ito hideaki

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pokemon-ninjago-world · 6 years

Photo

Believe it or not, but souls are a crucial part of this world. They play an important role in one of the main characters’ life, and the same goes with two of my original characters’ lives too. Although this might sound irrelevant at first, since souls are rarely mentioned in the canon, you might find this info page rather useful in case you plan to follow my PNGo!-story in the future.

Souls are the part of a being that makes them living, thinking creatures. Without a soul a being cannot feel emotions, they cannot think or make themselves move. Without a soul the body runs out of energy and a person soon stops breathing and their heart stops too. In this case, a person could be kept alive artificially, but the person would remain as nothing more than a vegetable.

In a way there is a standard amount of souls. They move in a cycle, like water. Many people believe in souls, and they are a part of Ninjago’s “religion”, but their nature is unknown. The common mindset is that when a new creature is born, the soul is born within it. This is not true though. When the FSM created living beings, he created their souls at the same time. When a person dies, their soul travels to the World of Departed where it rests as long as it wishes, until it’s ready to come back again. Then the soul settles into a new body. As long as the FSM was alive, every new baby got a soul even if there were no spare souls available. His existence maintained that spell. When he died, his sons didn’t know how to create life, AKA souls, so some problems occurred when people’s lifespan got longer due to better hygiene, safer environment, and a more stable society. There simply weren’t enough souls for everyone.

The basic nature of souls

Souls must not be confused with minds. Although an unhatched baby cannot have thoughts or hopes, its soul can. The soul and body will be stitched together within time, but before hatching the soul is a loose being of its own, a life source, a battery inside another being who will develop a consciousness and a mind of its own, and as they grow, those two will be amalgamated together. Yet, a mind is still a physical creation of the brain and nerves. When the body dies, so dies the mind. But because the soul and mind have become identical during the life, and the soul cannot die, it carries all the memories, feelings, traits, and the person of that mind within it. As it is – the very culmination of one’s being.

Souls don’t have a gender. When they are young and pure, they don’t have any shape and one could not tell a soul of a Growlithe apart from a soul of a Meowth. At this early stage, these two souls could even switch places without any damage being caused. Souls have some inbuilt features that will be shown already in newly-hatched individuals, but most of the traits are brought out through the life. The life shapes the soul and if it’s torn apart from the body, it will be incompatible with other bodies if it has lived longer than for four years. It’s something similar to the stem cells of embryos. Those stem cells are totipotent, I.E. they can differentiate into any cell type. New born cubs have souls of this kind, they can inhabit any kind of empty organism. As they grow inside a body, they start to differentiate and the further this process goes, the more poorly they will be able to shift into a new vessel if their body fails.

Young kids still have a chance to find a new body, but it must be the same species and about the same age as their former body was. Pluripotent stem cells parallel young children’s souls, I.E. they can differentiate into many different cells, but not all. After three years has passed, children’s souls get to be too differentiated to find a new vessel. They have already shaped a personality, they are an individual. A being with memories, a name, opinions, a history, and a life lived. They carry too much within them to be able to find a corpse that would match theirs. When a person reaches four years, it is already too late. However, there is known to be ways to separate a soul from its body by force, and even transfer it into another person regardless of their age or other features. This kind of magic is of course forbidden and only rumors of such rituals can be heard.

Souls are mysterious beings in general. They usually stay the same and follow the circle they have been put to follow, but sometimes they might divide, merge together or shatter, in which case the bits of them can be absorbed by other souls. This way the basic features of the “stem souls” get variation.

When an older person - be it a more than four years old kid, a teen, an adult or an elderly person - dies, their soul normally content itself with the life it has lived and moves forward, to the World of Departed. Sometimes small cubs’ souls travel to the World of Departed, too, but usually they come back soon (with the same traits it possibly gained through living) to find a new body to live in. Older people may return too, and eventually they will, but they will lose themselves in the process of travelling back to the world of living. Their soul will be purified, cleaned from the features they gained during their lives, and all that’s left is the core they first had when they came into life for the first time.

The souls are invisible for all physical eyes, including the eyes of living and the eyes of machines. Only “lost souls”, who intentionally want to be seen, have a visible appearance. (They are transparent and have an eerie, green glow and they usually have sort of a smoke-like or steaming body. These kinds of souls also have so much will power that they can turn themselves solid if needed.) If one has strong mental or spiritual abilities, they can sense the souls inside and outside of people. People with spiritual abilities have even a chance to get a real sight of the souls. When a soul has lived for years inside a body, it becomes a reflection of one’s physical appearance.

Souls are bright, etheric shapes that outline against their background but their 3D shape is hard to tell. (I mean, if a soul had crossed arms, the arms would barely be visible since the brightness in the middle of their being is so intense that only the outlines could be figured out from the background. Their eyes shine even brighter though.) They might appear clear and almost concrete looking, but they can move fast, turning into a beam of light flying towards the sky. Or they might fade into a cloud of glowing smoke, flapping around a room. Or they might be turned into a bright, small spark.

The spark is a soul in its most condensed form, and this can be seen even with bare eyes. They cannot form themselves into this, and if one can see a soul with their own eyes, it means that it has been forced into this shape and is most likely suffering. Everyone’s soul has their own color. They appear white most of time, since their glow is so intense, but if they were compressed into this small, star-like spark, one could easily see what color they are. It is not always easy to tell one color apart from another, but there is always even a slight difference to the next soul.

A living soul

Have you ever wondered where the soul dwells inside of you? Well, in PNGo the souls are usually free to move around the body they live in. As they are not concrete beings, they can be in many places at the same time or everywhere. Most of the time the souls tend so curl themselves up in the head and inside of the heart, and many of them also form a full-body form that is present in every cell at the same time as most of the soul dwells in the heart and/or the brain.

If a person has more than one soul, the other souls are sleeping in one part, most likely in the heart or stomach, whilst the active soul can move freely in any part of the body. It doesn’t have a huge effect on the body if the soul hangs around the big toe rather than the heart, it still does the job. What does influence the body though, is when the free movement of the soul is inhibited. This might cause stuff like ache, numbness in some parts or even diseases. In the worst-case scenario, it might cause partial paralysis. What could disturb the soul could be for example stress, an unhealthy lifestyle (smoking and such) or a curse.

Okay, this gets a bit grim, just to warn you. Skip to the next sub-head if you have issues with gore. This is nothing explicit but might upset more sensitive/younger readers.

As said before, a soul cannot die. A physical attack won’t harm a soul. If a person is attacked and, say, stabbed into the place where the soul has curled, the soul remains unharmed. It obviously gets terrified and anguished as it feels through the body and the more severe the pain and damage is, the more likely it will be for the soul to escape. (This also depends on the age of the person. Elderly people’s souls have a weaker will to live than younger ones’, so they are prone to leave if they feel like the torment in the body is too much.) It would depend on the nature of the soul what it would do. It might dodge the tool and run into another part of the body, or it might stay put and burn brighter, giving all its energy to the wound so it would heal faster. If a soul extended itself all over the body and a person lost a limb, the soul would not be torn apart. The instant the limb comes off, the soul has just sucked itself back to the main body.

However, there are ways to make a soul have “physical” damage. Some Pokémon-moves have a straight affect on the soul, most of these are ghost-type -moves. They may wound, mutate, or manipulate the soul, yet, it won’t die no matter what. It might even be torn in half and it would still be alive and possibly come together again, but a damage this harsh would make the soul escape for good and it might never settle into a new body again. (Also, if a soul was cut into pieces, it might not be able to, or want to fuse into one again, but shatter and other incorporeal souls might consume the escaped bits.)

Soulful people

In PNGo one usually has one soul. Having more than one soul is not completely uncommon though. It doesn’t happen often, but it is very possible. Souls are something that are normally very willing to live, and if they don’t have the chance to ever live, for example, if their body died in the egg, they usually wander to a new body. They cannot inhabit a body with old and/or strong soul. They need either a body who has born without a soul or has a very weak original soul. Yes, practically if a baby is born without a soul, it means that the body will die in the egg too, but in different way. If a body dies on its own, for example it has a gene that causes practically a self-destruction of the body, it dies even if it had a strong soul. In this case the soul will probably escape the body and fly without direction until it finally finds an empty body. But if a body is born without a soul, it will never hatch even if the body is perfectly functional. Without the soul, the baby won’t wake up to try and break free. It will stay still and consume the energy and nutrition of its egg and once it’s burn off, the body will die. Unless a new soul inhabits it.

Souls obey the diffusion principle. Where there are many souls, there is pressure that forces the souls to move out and to a new body, if the bearer of those souls happens to pass an empty but functioning corpse. Normally this demands at least physical contact, but the more there are souls inside the living person, the easier it is for one of the souls to leap into the empty body. One soul will always stay in the already living body and normally only one soul per time leaves if there’s only one empty vessel available.

When a body is empty, it can happen that two, or even more souls can stuff into it exactly at the same time. This works the same way as how Siamese twins are born. Two sperms manage to get into the egg cell even if only one should. With souls this doesn’t cause any visible side effects, though. A body with more than one souls might even be stronger and healthier than an ordinary one as the souls are a source of energy and life. Thus, they might give a person a much longer life than “normal” people would have. A person lives through only one soul at a time. The person still has features and even abilities of the other souls too, if those had gathered ones in their past lives, but only one soul per time will age with the body. Only this soul will be conscious. The others receive the experiences, feelings, and such as if they were in sleep, dreaming. In case the person ran into an empty body, only the hibernating souls would be able to leave, never the one the person is using the most at the moment. Most commonly it’s the youngest soul to leave first.

Also, if this person had a near-death experience, the more souls they had, the more likely it would be for them to survive. The most likely action sequence would be that the “oldest” soul, the one through which this person had lived their life, would “die”. The anguish of the body and great horror are the first reasons for a soul to leave its vessel even if it’s still able to live. This soul would leave in terror to escape the pain, and the next would take its place. This soul, being younger and having a stronger will to live, would hold on to life longer, giving the body the power to stand the pain and to heal. If it wasn’t scared of the sudden terror and agony that is. Alternatively, if a person had a life without any extreme times of horror or pain, their first soul would run through the lifespan it had been given and then it would leave, letting the next soul replace it.

The strength of a soul

I spoke earlier about strong souls. They are healthy, dynamic, and full of zest for life. Yet there are sometimes weak souls, who find the life rather meaningless and tiring, even a painful experience without any reason in particular. They constantly crave for afterlife, away from the tough, heavy bounds of mortal life and their hurting body. It is unclear why these souls exist.

People with frail souls are partially vegetables, they have little interest in life, they can’t find joy or it is particularly hard to find for them and their souls are only trying to escape their vessel. This corrupts the body, making it ill, breaking it slowly. Cubs with these kinds of souls used to die after a few nights at the most. With present technology and medical knowledge, the weak babies can be treated the way they that they can live longer. Still, even medicines and other treatment cannot keep a reluctant soul inside the body forever and as the soul is the source of life, the body will die when it leaves, unless the corpse is attached to ventilator. The heart will stop on its own too, if not treated.

However, some kids with a weak soul may still live longer, but nobody has ever lived longer than ten years with a weak soul. Nevertheless, it has been noted that not only medical treatment plays a role in keeping a weak-souled kid tied to life. If a child is loved and if they feel love towards people and life, even towards a few little things and at least one person, they will be willing to struggle little more and try to hang in there regardless of their agony.

Souls are known to leave a dying body before hatching, so why would a soul stick in a body if life causes it suffering? One explanation is that they might have a little bit of hope. Maybe they wish that life will turn out worth living after all. Maybe they want to see the world outside the eggshell before leaving, since the thirst for life is inbuilt in souls. And the longer a soul stays in a body, the tighter it’s bound with it. Eventually, if it wants to leave, it must destroy the body to be able to leave. To do this, it will have to stop giving strength for the body. It doesn’t work absolutely, though. Some streams of life will flow through the body no matter how much the soul will try to curl up and stay inactive. But the less lifeforce the body receives, the more it will get damaged. It will get diseases, it might have trouble sleeping or sleep too much, it will most likely depress, have arrhythmia and so on.

Another reason might be that the soul doesn’t have enough power to leave. It would have to break the faint bounds it has, but even that’s too hard for it. And as it grows inside the body, the weaker it gets. It doesn’t have to try to make the body grow weaker too because it weakens with the soul. And when the soul doesn’t have any strength left, the body finally cracks, breaking the bounds and setting the soul free. Who knows? Maybe there are two cases of weak souls and both hypotheses are correct. Or maybe neither of them is accurate. Again, who knows?

The only possibility to save a kid with a frail soul, is to give them a new one. This, of course cannot be done by anyone alive. The spirits of the departed may guide a dispossessed soul to a weak kid, if their relatives are praying for them. Other than that, it’s only a matter of coincidence if a homeless soul passes by and finds a nest in the body. If this happens, the old soul will be completely replaced. The soul will go to the World of Departed with pleasure. It leaves behind only some traits that are copied in the kid’s brains and therefore cannot leave with the soul. However, these traits are now more prone to be reshaped and even deleted as the new soul is in charge of the direction where the child’s mind will develop.

It's a kind of magic

As souls copy the genetic information of the body they live in, they can transport this information to the next body, if they must leave their original vessel. This causes interesting occurrences. As magical abilities are inheritable, the cub can wield magic only if it runs in the family. Unless the cub is born without a soul and gets inhabited by a vagabond soul with magical abilities written in its being from the former body it had. Already during the first few months the soul gathers basic information from the body it’s living in and if it breaks away, it can transport that information to any empty organism it settles into. This way a person could wield some sort of magic even if their parents could not. This has limitations though. If the abilities aren’t in any way compatible with the new body’s type for example, it can’t use the magic (for example, a soul of a Totodile could carry water-magic abilities, but if it inhabited a body of a fire Vulpix, there wouldn’t be any effect, no matter how young the soul would have been).

The longer the soul inhabited its original body, the better it could have copied the magical abilities and the stronger they would occur in the new one, but the more similar the new body must have been to the former one, so the soul would be compatible. Around 2-year-old’s soul would be still pretty adaptable, and it would have already copied all of the magic information and thus the most suitable for transporting this information. A Pokémon type wouldn’t be an absolute limit anyway, since the boundaries of species and types are broader in Pokéninjago than in the Pokémon World. (I.E. an ice vulpix would have been able to learn the water-type moves.) Interesting is also, that if the soul with this genetic information inhabits a new body, it will be able to change the genes of the new vessel, making it able to pass on the abilities to the next generations.

#pokéninjago #pokémon #ninjago #souls #info page #about the world #hiippart #long post #if you read all the text #i'm very proud of you #pokeninjago #PNGo!

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fracturedbitsofstarlight · 6 years

Text

A Little Elriel Because I Can’t Make up My Fucking Mind

There was a knock on Elain’s door. It wasn’t Nesta. Nesta didn’t bother. If Nesta entered a room, she was coming in, no warnings, no requests, no pauses -- the same as how she lived her life: unapologetically, and constantly at full speed and momentum. It wasn’t Rhys. Last time he’d visited, he told her he would be gone for awhile. He didn’t say where. Elain didn’t ask. She never responded to anything Rhys or Nesta said, except to tell them she wanted to go home. It wasn’t Cassian. He meant well, but he didn’t know how to help Elain, and Nesta threatened to remove his favourite part if he came near her rooms again, anyway. Elain didn’t care. She couldn’t bring herself to care about anything. Everything hurt too much. Not physically. Physically, she was fine. Technically, she was physically better than she ever had been when she’d been human. Mentally, she was slipping into a dark chasm with no handholds, and nobody at the top to throw her a rope.

She felt like she was drowning.

The knock came again, insistent.

She tried to move -- to acknowledge the visitor -- but she couldn’t force herself. “Elain?” It was Azriel at her door. He hadn’t visited her yet. Absently, she wondered what he was doing here. “Elain, I’m coming in.” And so he was. When he entered the room, it was to see that Elain had perched herself, knees clutched to her chest, atop the window seat near her bed, and was looking to the sky outside of her window. Her hair hung limply on her shoulders and dully reflected the sun’s light. It wasn’t unclean, but it seemed she was wholly incapable of shining the way she had as a human, with her insistence upon hope. The long pale blue gown she she wore draped over her legs and hung down the wall, and her small feet peeked out from under the hemline. She looked beautiful in the way that faded paintings are beautiful: Stunning, but with no vivacity.

It broke Azriel’s heart. He walked towards her quietly, almost reverently. This room felt like a tomb, not fit for living people... but then Elain’s existence could hardly be called living lately. She slept, ate, and bathed all in her rooms -- the latter two with Nesta’s assistance -- and had not left them since Rhys had brought them there upon their arrival from Hybern. Nothing could persuade her.

Azriel sat down on the floor by the wall facing Elain.

“I am not here to force you to talk, or to do anything else you do not want to do. I am here to remind you with my presence that you are not alone. If you wish to ignore me the whole time, that is alright. I will not argue, and I will not begrudge you that decision. It is yours to make. If you wish me to leave, make any indication of that wish, and I will do so immediately.” He had brought a book, and so they sat there in comfortable silence for a considerable length of time, and when the sun set, and Nesta came in to help Elain get into bed, he closed his book, bid Elain goodnight, and left. He came back the next morning, saying the same thing, and bringing a different book. Again, when night descended, he bid Elain goodnight, and took his leave.

For several weeks he did this, and then one day he didn’t come.

Elain had grown accustomed to his presence, and even rather liked having his quiet breathing, the whispers of his shadows, and the sounds of his pages turning in the background of her consciousness. She didn’t know when it had happened, but he had somehow actually succeeded in making her not feel alone. And now he wasn’t here.

He came back the next day.

“I am not here to force you to talk, or to do anything else you do not want to do. I am here to remind you with my presence that you are not alone. If you wish to --”

“Where were you yesterday?”

Azriel blinked once.

“Sorry?” “I said,” Elain wanted to turn her head, but it cost her so much energy -- so much energy -- even just to speak. “Where where you yesterday?”

“I had to go deal with some Illyrian Warlords who had been causing trouble.”

“Oh,” she said, quietly -- and then, even more quietly “I missed you.”

“I missed you too, Elain,” Azriel found himself saying.

He had been worrying about her while he was gone. He didn’t know why. It wasn’t as if he did anything while he was there, or as if his presence were necessary for any part of Elain’s day, but he had developed a tender awareness for her presence, and monitored her breathing -- since that was the only thing that ever changed -- even while he read.

He moved over to sit on the other side of the window seat from Elain, and reached out to hold her hand.

“Is this okay?”

“Yes.” She still didn’t move. Still didn’t make eye contact with him.

“Do you want me to keep speaking?”

“Yes.” “Do you want to keep speaking?”

“No.” Azriel considered this for a moment. He was not good at talking aimlessly. Cassian, Rhys, and Mor could all talk until they’d run themselves out of oxygen, but Azriel tended to need something to talk about before he’d talk. “Do you want me to read to you?” “Yes.”

Azriel got out his book and began reading aloud. It was an adventure book, but it had a lot of comedy in it, too. Elain was surprised that the stone-faced Illyrian liked books like it, but she supposed everyone had to have their surprising tastes.

They continued in this way for a few more weeks. Sometimes Azriel had to be elsewhere for a day or so, but he always came back. Nesta informed him that in the evenings when he was there, he was to help Elain get into bed, since he was already there. It wasn’t a request, but Azriel would’ve done it even if it were, and it was a mark of immense trust that Nesta allowed him to do it at all.

One day, Elain laughed at something a character had said, and Azriel stopped reading to beam at her.

She looked away from the sky to smile at him, too, and Azriel’s already uncharacteristically bright smile became blinding.

“I don’t have the energy to move my legs, but I’d like to lean against you if that’s alright?”

Azriel lifted her up and rotated her so she could rest her head in the nook between Azriel’s shoulder and chest, and then he kept reading. He hoped she couldn’t hear his heart thumping away furiously in his chest, but he had a strange feeling in his chest at having someone so pure wanting to be close to someone so tainted as he was by death and pain. It felt like someone had grabbed hold of his heart and was lightly squeezing it. And when she had smiled, Azriel had thought his heart might stop, and he thought he mightn’t have minded if it had -- if the last thing he ever saw was her face, so full of life, even for a moment.

Presently, he realised she had fallen asleep, so he picked her up, left the book on her nightstand, and tucked her into bed before starting to walk quietly towards the door.

“Don’t go.” Elain weakly reached for his hand as he made to leave.

“You don’t need to read to me anymore, just. Don’t leave me this time. I don’t want to be alone.”

Azriel knew what it was like to feel truly alone and abandoned by everyone, and knew what it was like to see your last hope turn away from you, and could not force himself to do that to someone else, so he took off his shoes and lay, fully clothed, on top of the sheets, next to Elain -- who giggled.

“You’re being ridiculous, Azriel. You’ll get cold like that. Get under the covers.”

“But that would be improprietous,” he said, mildly concerned for Elain’s sanity.

“It’s also improprietous that there’s been a strange fae man in my bedroom almost every day for months. I’m sure if there were going to be a problem, it would have already happened,” she returned, eyes twinkling like they hadn’t in months.

Azriel thought about pointing out that he had never stayed the night before, and always left before the sun was finished setting, but decided better of it. He didn’t really want to leave her alone, and wasn’t going to fight too hard against it.

He slid under the covers and reached for her hand, which she used to pull herself closer to him to nestle in his embrace, and Azriel and Elain -- both of whom had nightmares every night -- slept peacefully through the night for the first time since Elain went into the Cauldron.

#Elriel

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lit--bitch · 4 years

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On ‘A Girl’s Story’ by Annie Ernaux, translated by Alison L. Strayer (2020)

(Disclosure: There are themes in this review which some may find triggering, so please don’t read on if you feel particularly vulnerable to the subject matter I’ll be unpacking in this review. A Girl’s Story was first published by Gallimard in 2016 as Memoire de Fille and subsequently it’s been translated into English and published by Seven Stories Press (US) and Fitzcarraldo Editions (UK), it came out in April just gone. So I’m working with the Fitzcarraldo Editions edition. As for Annie Ernaux, I don’t know her. I don’t know Alison L. Strayer either. I am familiar with Fitzcarraldo Editions, insofar that I applied for an internship there once which I didn’t get (and that hasn’t changed my feelings at all about the press nor the work they publish). Fitzcarraldo Editions was founded by Jacques Testard, who is joined by Tamara Sampey-Jawad and Joely Day. They’ve got two categories, fiction and essay. As for their name, they’re named after the typeface their designer came up with by Ray O’Meara. I feel like a lot of the writing they publish lies at the intersection of the writing world and the art world, they blur the two together and make them sort of indistinguishable. Not sure if they’d agree, that’s just my opinion. But I do trust Fitzcarraldo Editions, because you can tell that their selection process is careful and considered. They’re not just interested in your book, they’re interested in your whole cause, everything you’re going to write about in future. They maintain connections with their authors, explicitly so. Tbh, it’s rare to find publishers who do that without falling prey to nepotism. Their livery is beautiful: white font on blue for fiction, blue font on white background for essays. They’re lovely books to hold and to shelve.)

So onto the book: Alison L. Strayer does an amazing job. I’ve read Annie’s work both in original French and English, (I’m bilingual in French from my Algerian upbringing) and I can tell you she absolutely, hands down, conserves the entirety of Annie Ernaux’s voice. Hardly anything is compromised within her translation of A Girl’s Story and that deserves applause, because translations are an art form in and of themselves. She seamlessly keeps all the descriptions, tonality and pace of the work intact. For that reason, this text has to be commended for its precision and accuracy, because Alison hit the nail on the head.

It is absolutely clear to me why Annie Ernaux is so revered and loved in France. Her work is deeply rooted in her French experience, and of course that means her work is an artefact of French culture and history. Her work is peppered with French references, places and figures, e.g. Juliette Gréco, Mylène Demongeot, Orne, Caen, si t’en veux plus, je la remets dans ma culotte, cha-cha-cha des thons... etc. Annie Ernaux is 78 years old, so she possesses experiences quite divided from today. This makes her work a contribution to discourses on feminism, self-identity, womanhood, abortion, women’s rights, etc. within the 20th century. And she has set out to write the differences of her time in essays which divulge her trauma most acutely. A Girl’s Story is a rumination and a recalling of the events that took place in France, in 1958, at a holiday camp in ‘S’, to Annie Ernaux, née Duchesne. It recalls of her work as a camp instructor over the summer, and her first sexual experience with a man named H, her rejection and the “verbal hegemony” of her peers, prejudices and judgements made of her which she internalises as truth. Later, after the summer, she sets out to become H’s “ideal”, she dyes her hair blonde and develops an eating disorder. A Girl’s Story speaks of a time where provocation is conflated with “whoredom”, where the worth of a woman is vested in her virginity. She hammers down the volatility of the slave/master dynamic between men and women, in a time ‘pre-dating by ten years the slogan ‘my body, my rules’.’ (p.95.)

A Girl’s Story is a tough read. It’s a memoir that distrusts itself and analyses the legitimacy of memory compounded by years of separation from the event. It ruminates on the female condition, the teenage girl’s self-perception which seems to be a collection of external voices and embarrassments. This is all happening in 1958, during the Algerian War on Independence, which is when this narrative begins to slip up on oversights, misinformation and very subtle political bias. I have so much to say about A Girl’s Story but I can’t possibly say it all without boring many people to death and without it turning into a 200-page essay, and frankly I’m not interested in turning this review into a thesis, but I think I already have, because this “review” is L O N G. So I am thankful to you if you do decide to read it all, including my criticisms of the work.

I have read lots of reviews talking about A Girl’s Story from a feminist slant. I have no desire to repeat a review totally akin to them. I’m interested in the political bias and implications of that bias, and the ignorance of Annie Duchesne and Annie Ernaux, respectively. That will be the main focus of this review. If you want pure praise, and to read a review on this book that focuses on the girl and the girl’s suffering in A Girl’s Story, you can go here, here, and finally, here.

I want to say, firstly, that I respect the acute self-awareness of Annie Ernaux’s writing, and her courage for writing these painful chapters of her life. I am expressly grateful to her book, Happening. She has, at times, helped me. So I don’t want anyone to think that I’m being heartless or insensitive about the predicaments and sadnesses Annie unpacks in her writing. Because I do understand these traumas.

What I don’t share, is age. There is a massive age gap between myself and Annie Ernaux, which means that the way she’s had to deal with shit has probably been harder because when she was 18, men had the upper hand way more than they do right now, women weren’t invited to exploring their sexuality without being rendered a whore, and abortion was illegal.

There are times where I find Annie’s reference to herself at the age of 18 as, ‘the girl of S’, or ‘the girl of 1985′, a bit melodramatic and corny, but at the same time I’m empathetic of the pain these memories must stir inside her psyche. The fact that this torment has caused Annie to mentally create divisions of herself in such a way, that she requires an entirely different name for herself at a specific point of her life, that’s upsetting. That is an incredibly vulnerable thing to expose about yourself, in your writing, and for this text, it’s an integral part to digesting Annie Ernaux’s multi-faceted perceptions of memory.

There’s a sort of clairvoyancy-esque tonality to Ernaux’s voice at times, points where she makes predictions based off her past self, because she distrusts her memory so much. For example, ‘I perceive, in the persistence of these memories, the girl’s fascination for a rigorously organized world...’, ‘I perceive a desire to acclimatize to the new environment [the camp] but also a pervasive fear of being unable to do so’(p. 38). This voice brings about new dimensions to Annie Ernaux’s voice which characterise her as historian, archaeologist and psychologist to the remains of this “long-lost” identity:

But what is the point of writing if not to unearth things [...] something that emerges from the creases when a story is unfolded and can help us understand — endure — events that occur and the things that we do?

What I’m most upbeat about in A Girl’s Story, is the universal truths Annie unpacks about the philosophy of writing the truth, and writing about writing. It’s so good that it sometimes makes me jealous. And that’s how I know I’m reading good writing, when I actually wish I’d written some of these things myself. When Annie (Ernaux) in the present, confesses to wanting to call some of the people who tormented her from the camp, she elaborates:

I wanted physical, tangible proof of their existence, as if to continue writing I needed them to be alive, as if I needed to be writing about what is alive, to be endangered in the way one is when writing about the living and not in the state of tranquility that prevails when people die and are consigned to the immateriality of fictional characters.

And then the Big Truth:

There is a need to make writing an untenable enterprise, to atone for its power (not its ease, no one feels less ease in writing than me) out of an imaginary terror of consequences. Unless, now that I think of it, there is some perverse desire in me to make sure they’re still alive in order to compromise them, as I attend to my business of disclosure: to be their final Judgement.

There is a desire in writing, sometimes, to condemn and call out the people who’ve hurt you or fucked you over by name, especially if that betrayal is acutely felt, even more so if it stands the test of time. There is an urge to feel the quality of consequence, and to dissolve our sealed lips. I resonate with this: I have, sometimes impulsively, taken it upon myself to write writing that condemns hurt other people have caused, and no matter what anyone says, it does feel good. Especially if the work gets published. There are good and bad reasons for why it feels good, they are mostly all futile, and jejune.

It’s the ‘pushing the big red button’ of writing, I feel. It says don’t do it. But you do it anyway, because you can. As Annie says:

I do not envy him [H]: I’m the one who is writing.

Certainly in A Girl’s Story, this whole memory contains the pain behind Annie Ernaux’s whole impetus for writing, it marks the origins of where her work is seated. On shame and abuse and the convolutions of self-image as female. I don’t think Annie so much condemns the people in this essay. Rather, she is reconstructing scenes, and deconstructing her feelings and the projections she creates for herself as a result of being manoeuvred by the expectations and sensitivities of other people. Confessing all this is admirable, and makes for a book which is acutely self-aware.

A Girl’s Story is a narrative I and many women share. After the narration of Annie Duchesne, Annie Ernaux moves away from the shame of her memories and gradually begins to walk towards herself. She sees the symmetry of her experiences in the histories of Billie Holliday and Violette Laduc, sadnesses of love and intoxication of other in the same year of 1958. She begins to experience resonance:

the eighteen-year-old girl [...] were less alone, less forlorn — saved, in a sense — because these forsaken women, unknown to her then, even by name, had lived in desperate solitude at the same time as her. [...] to shatter the singularity and solitude of an experience that is more less shared by others at about the same time.

This realisation is part of the second half of the book which contains all the reasoning and steps Annie Ernaux makes towards articulating her selves in language. That these memories, though she is dubious about the reliability of them, and of her feelings, she can write this as part of the purpose to write A Girl’s Story. She can realise her intentions for her writing, recognise a purpose in sharing the experiences so that they might perhaps “save” other women from the solitude of their own experiences. And as she does, the memory of ‘the girl of 1958′ begins to “fade”, and what is left is the now, the now, being the most reliable source to yourself at any given point in life. A part of this book’s nature, for me at least, is one of reciprocity, in the sense that we as an audience might reflect on the banks of our memories, and unite ourselves with our pasts and futures in the collective whole of our present selves.

It’s for these reasons I enjoyed the text, but there are more difficult things going on in the background which pertain to Annie Ernaux’s, and of course Annie Duchesne’s, politics and ignorance. For me there are three very different narratives going on. I’ve unpacked the first two as briefly as I could, above. There is Annie Duchesne and her perspective of the world, her feelings, her torment, and the events unfolding at the camp in S. Then there’s present-day Annie, as Annie Ernaux, recalling these events and writing in the first-person to administer her present-day reflections and hindsights.

The third narrative is the narrative which is rarely acknowledged and mostly alluded to: it’s what’s happening in the rest of the world, and how both Annies remain still pretty oblivious to it. It’s this third narrative I’ve felt most engrossed by.

It is really hard for me to not make this book about Algeria in many ways, but the fact that both Annies gloss over the subject of the Algerian War, gives me impetus to address this “glossing” as being a problem in and of itself, and highlights other issues within the work. You’d think this dismissive inclusion of French political affairs is intentional, because by her own admission, she states her attention towards these world affairs was displaced by the agonies of men and love: ‘Perhaps as a result of that blindness to everything that was not the camp, I come to an abrupt halt when my eye is caught by the date of 1958′. It would make sense that Annie skirts around these issues when she speaks of herself at the age of 18, and that’s implied from the very start.

Annie tries to recreate the version of herself in youth by aligning you to her ideology and her principles at that age. Just three pages into the essay, she says:

That summer [1958], too, thousands of servicemen left France to restore order in Algeria. Many had never been away from home before. In dozens of letters, they wrote about the heat, the djebel, the douars — tent villages — and the illiterate Arabs, who after one hundred years of occupation still did not speak French.

You immediately get an impression for the mentality she once harboured. And it’s also a really misinformed one, because she implies that Algeria is made up of Arabs and that’s not true, the dominant demographic in Algeria and most of North Africa is the Amazigh, also known by the derogatory term “Berbers”. This is true of back then and it remains true of now. The thing is, what’s so enraging about this particular statement, and at several other points of this book, is that she oscillates between her present self and her 18-year-old self at random junctions, and she doesn’t really come back to Algeria in great detail, because as I say, her mind is elsewhere occupied by her affections for H at this camp and the reduction of herself as slave to his desires. That how she legitimises her ignorance as Annie Duchesne, y’know, which is understandable of a young girl looking to fall in love. I mean, of course the book isn’t about Algeria, it’s about her mind and desire for affection and to be seen, in a tiny, damaging bubble at a camp, at a time when Frenchmen were being sent away to fight for a mythical land called “French Algeria”. In which case, what’s the point in being so deliberately inflammatory about something you’re not going to later unpack in detail, as your present-day self? (I’ll come back to that in a couple paragraphs).

Secondly, it’s important that we know Annie Ernaux no longer “agrees” with the French Occupation of Algeria. She doesn’t identify with her 18-year-old self. On page 19, she says:

The longer I gaze at the girl in the photo, the more it seeems that she is looking at me. Is this girl me? Am I her? For me to be her, I would have to be able to solve a physics problem and a quadratic equation in maths read the whole novel given out with Bonnes soirées magazine each week [...] support the continuation of French Algeria

There’s the confirmation. But I’m not convinced that Annie Ernaux feels for the collective destruction that annihilated both sides, I’m not convinced that she really cares beyond the confines of French life and French borders. When she speaks in her present-day voice, she is still clearly biased, and I have no care for the logistics of this, that it’s more convenient for her to not turn this into a political essay. This is because about halfway through the book, she remarks:

My memory retains no trace of world events, reduced to a distant rumble that reached the camp by way of the television set in the dining hall. [...] I don’t believe the boys ever mentioned the constant threat they faced, from which none was exempt, of being sent to fight in the djebel, in Algeria.

On the Internet, I read the list of terrorist actions that occur almost daily between late August (fifteen attacks on the 25th) and the end of September 1958: an attack against Jacques Soustelle that killed one passerby and wounded three, the sabotage of railways, machinegun attacks on cafés and police stations, fires at factories (Simca in Poissy, Pechiney in Grenoble) and refineries (Notre-Dame-de-Gravenchon-Marseilles) [...] All were perpetrated by the FLN, [Front Libération Nationale (the Algerian rebels fighting for independence basically)] which brought the conflict to metropolitan France.

I don’t think Annie Ernaux has ever left France, at least not mentally. And for me it’s this essay’s downfall, which is still clearly blinded by French propaganda. This is the extent Annie Ernaux goes into detail about the Algerian War for Independence. And there’s nothing in that entire passage, nor in any part of the essay, about the genocide native Algerians were abjected to. You’d think that age and knowledge would bring this clarity to Annie Ernaux, at least, but it doesn’t, and I’m perplexed by her choice of words, “the constant threat they [French soldiers] faced”, “terrorist actions”, “perpetrate”, as if France was a victim here, and still coming back calling North Africans ‘crouillat’ (it’s a racist term, look it up). I’m not saying that these events weren’t offences, or by any means, acceptable, but this is a country that took Algeria by force, and left it in a mess from which it has never recovered... And Jacques Soustelle, by the way, rendered native Algerians as “backward savages” due to their “primitive technology” and gave them second-class status. He was a fascist. He joined a terrorist group called l’Organisation Armée Secrète (OAS) to fight against Algerian independence. He worked alongside Charles de Gaulle and was responsible for his renewal as France’s President and the Fifth Republic. Like, she’s coming up with all these shitty counter-attacks committed by people whose families literally had their entrails pulled out and their houses burned down. Like my own grandmother’s house. These people had shitty pistols to fight with, the French had technology you can’t even imagine. The only reason France didn’t stick with the occupation was because the fight was becoming expensive and people were just tired of rebellion, so they gave Algeria a self-determined referendum. It was a pragmatical decision.

So there’s a really big division in me created by this incredible, sad narrative of a girl’s struggle, navigating sexuality and femininity within the confines of a patriarchal, limiting society which punishes her. That’s the woman in me, reaching out, saying “Yes!”. We need memoirs like this, we need stories like this.

And then there’s this other kind of background narrative of politics and world affairs, which is one-sided, and isn’t really relevant or important to Annie’s 18-year-old self but “it should be” but it isn’t, and like, it’s so absent-mindedly written for a woman who is now 78 years old. Her focalisation is that of French suffering, not global suffering. And I think this isn’t just a style of Annie’s writing, I think it’s an outlook, you can see it in other books like The Years. This is the Algerian woman in me, that is beginning a career in narrating the reality of Algeria and what it means to have Algerian family, and possess inherited traumas beyond your understanding and control, and still read books like this written by French people. And Algeria’s not just background noise for Annie to peddle in her narratives of life without fully considering the impact and shape they’ve taken in history. Ergo, don’t loosely include it in your essay if all you’re attempting to do is legitimise your ignorance. And don’t later on, pretend to care, and then cherry pick the events which minimises France’s accountability for genocide. Cos why the fuck would you still want to?

Here’s the thing, and I’m being as brief as I can here. In 1958, when Annie Duchesne was being taunted, harrassed and in my view, sexually abused, by some holiday camp leaders in S, for having not slept with a boy (I refuse to call him a man), but for somehow being “a whore”, all of which is terrible, this is what was happening in Algeria at the same time:

My grandmother and grandfather’s house had been burned down by the French in the Province of Kabylia, which is Amazigh territory, aka Algerian countryside. She fled to Algiers with her three babies.

Then, shortly afterwards, my grandmother’s 5-year-old daughter was killed by the French Army in a street in Algiers.

Algerian-Muslim votes in political elections were still considered to be unequal to that of French Algerian votes.

My grandfather was about to be shot in the leg and have to travel to France to save it (since all the hospitals in Algeria had been destroyed, and the French at the time were dismissive of indigenous Algerians and their ailments).

French soldiers were raping Algerian women left, right and centre to punish FLN members.

FLN members were bombing French army barracks. French soldiers were doing the same thing back. Mutual torture and rape from both parties was committed.

The death toll of Algerians was reaching (by my own approximations which I’ve studied hard cos this is a specialism of mine, there isn’t a confirmed statistic, because that’s how much people care) its peak. It was heading towards 20 million dead since the year of 1830, when the French Occupation started.

My grandmother went her whole life without holding her daughter’s killers accountable. She never had a voice and she never had the opportunity to write a book, or several, about it. And I hold my hands up: it doesn’t do well to quantify pain or the severity of experience. Your life is your life, there is only you living it, and whatever happens to you in your life is going to be important to you, even if the saddest thing that ever happens to you is that the flavour of ice cream you like has run out at the shop.

But it’s hard for me to really let myself just go ahead and resonate with Annie Ernaux. I don’t get caught up in the symmetry of my experiences, because a lot of the time, I’m just relating it back to the atrocities of genocide that Kabyle women like my grandmother were caught up in during 1958. I’m not saying that Annie’s miseries, past and present, are lesser than the miseries of that time for French soliders and Algerian soldiers and civilians enduring the devastation of war. I’m saying that her perspective is narrower. And that’s something I can’t change about Annie, nor this work.

I think what this text tries to do is explore a lack of accountability in many different facets. There is lack of accountability in the people that saw to Annie Duchesne’s humiliation and suffering, there’s a lack of accountability to her parents and their enforcement of religion, there’s no accountability for the people that suffer at the hands of other people, whether it’s a genocide or a sexual assault, and there’s the lack of accountability in having endured the patriarchal constructs which force you down on a bed to find out why your periods have stopped, i.e. an intact hymen (page 86).

The only resolution, ultimately, is to write about these horrors, and by writing about it you might achieve a narrative which produces a brand new discourse, or a brand new insight previously not seen or understood. By writing about it, we achieve awareness, clarity, even if we mistrust our memories of it all, as Annie does. And I do think Annie achieves clarity, at least, for me as a reader, with A Girl’s Story and this essay should be seen as a contribution to a feminine history, a lesson in where women still feel unvalidated by their own trauma, and the work it takes . I feel that Annie Ernaux has a desire to tell her stories, to admit her truths and confess her sensitive past, her vulnerability and expose the vulnerability of others. By doing so, and allowing a wider audience to access work like A Girl’s Story she carries out her justice. Her truth is evidenced and validated by her readership, by her audience, by it being a book.

But equally, for me again, A Girl’s Story is held back by some of the more subtle and problematic word choices and convoluted prose that I think is quite disillusioning and deceptively narrow-minded, this is something you’ll have to see for yourself by buying the book.

I think of this essay as an admonition to the follies of youth and of boys, not men, boys. I think of it as a documentation of female struggle and identity. I think of it as a text that intimates privilege even when it is not felt. And I’m torn by A Girl’s Story, which made this review terribly difficult to write, and I don’t think I’m blowing it out of proportion, I do think there’s an indication of a non-condemnation of France’s historical role in genocide. And maybe this subtle admission is just as brave of Annie, as is writing her autobiographies.

If you’re interested and want to make assertions for yourself, please do buy A Girl’s Story from Fitzcarraldo Editions here.

And if you want to share some of your own thoughts, please do feel free to comment and discuss. I’m interested to see whether people agree or not.

#annie ernaux #essay #review #bookreview #litbitch #books #contemporaryliterature #fitzcarraldoeditions #reading #new publication #translation #alisonlstrayer #french literature #memoir

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