#these feelings are also influenced by how fucking exhausted i've been and how i have holes in my brain
Note
wld not at all blame you for being burnt out on text/cdth but all your poly gangsey & co fics have given me so so so much joy (I reread that soulmate au every few months it makes me ACHE!!) so just know that if you Do finish your WIPs there are absolutely ppl out there who want to read them (hi. me) and even if u don't thank u for writing and sharing all that u have :)
this is very sweet thank you 🥺 lately it's felt like most of the people who engage with the fandom in a way i enjoy have begun to move on for the obvious reasons of, like, dreamer trilogy leaving people unsatisfied with the found family resolutions and polyamory and whatnot. and it's a little exhausting to be a content creator who cares mostly about hennessy when her relationship with ronan is constantly belittled or erased and fics centered ON her get barely any engagement unless i also tag pynch. so it's very nice to hear that there are still people who care and who would want to read more writing that builds on the dynamics in this series
there was a LOT i loved so so SO much about greywaren but there were also enough things that burnt me that i was like "you know what'll Never make me feel narratively betrayed tho?? the blorbos from my brain." and then i threw myself back into my original fiction project. if you see me tagging an unusual number of posts with devin ruby sol and/or nova when i'd usually tag them with fandom characters, that's why. they're living rent free in my noggin at the moment
#replies#these feelings are also influenced by how fucking exhausted i've been and how i have holes in my brain#which i recently found might be caused by a vitamin deficiency#so we'll see if my passion for the series and for writing rekindles once there's actually nutrients in my blood#cdth#greywaren spoilers#only a little#greywaren negativity#also only a little. but i like to tag it cause. i don't like complaining a ton here
9 notes
·
View notes
Text
How fucked up would it be if Sefikura got Hanahaki? Either one of them. That ship is already toxic AF (affectionate) but imagine the HAVOC.
I'm gonna ramble a bit so I can get the brain worms out but feel free to correct me on any plot points, or character interpretations: I've absorbed all this shit from watching walkthroughs (cause I'm broke and video games are expensy) and I haven't finished watching yet. I'm also playing it fast and loose with when this occurs in canon - I have no idea tbh. My interpretations are probably influenced by fandom already cause I've been reading posts and fanfics, and I am aware that this is SO self indulgent, so again. Biased viewpoint here.
Also since I'm aware that sefikura is a controversial ship even with the ship's popularity and age, if you don't like it, that's fine, just block me or scroll on.
I can see the story being more interesting if Seph is the one to get the disease. Mostly because, while I understand his obsession with Cloud is quite complex and not really there bc of romantic reasons (Cloud has S-cells, Seph kinda just views Cloud as his to control I assume, plus Cloud is useful to him, and the fact that Sephiroth has a god complex a mile wide and Cloud was somehow able to beat him as a mere trooper, etc. etc.) I do think for an individual like Sephiroth, that level of obsession is likely the closest he's going to get to love, or at least a blurring of the lines between love and hate. I don't think he really feels that emotion much anymore, especially not after the first time he died, but whatever he DOES feel for Cloud could be strong enough and close enough in shape for something like Hanahaki to latch onto.
Sephiroth's course of action in response would be interesting to see. Hanahaki weakens the individual, which is something Seph is probably not gonna stand for, even if he has enough hubris that he doesn't think he'll die from it. Maybe similar to the degeneration Genesis was experiencing? There's a thought. I honestly think Sephiroth would find it more intolerable if he reaches a stalemate with the disease, not enough to kill him, but enough to weaken him to the point where it hurts his pride and gets in the way of his plans. That seems like it would grate on him more than the threat of death, which doesn't stick anyways.
Sephiroth's go-to in that situation (upon exhausting other avenues - the first and easiest being, y'know. Murder) would probably be to try the puppet route - force Cloud into feeling that reciprocating emotion. Which like. It doesn't work like that Sephy. And here's where it could get really dark if you were so inclined to write it that way, but I'm not in the mood for that right now so I'm gonna say this - that course of action would bring up a lot of PTSD for Cloud obviously, but a perplexing point would be if Sephiroth just y'know. Succeeded in controlling and forcing that emotion for a bit and then upon realizing Hanahaki doesn't work like that - immediately releases his control. Cloud is left there, sound of mind again and fucked up in the mental health but ultimately unharmed and very confused.
Second course of action, good old fashioned manipulation. Here is where it would probably get convoluted though, while I don't think Sephiroth would go down the full on cracky shit of trying to woo Cloud or anything like that (keep in mind up until now, I don't think the nature of Sephiroth's emotions for Cloud are necessarily romantic, so that's not where the Hanahaki is stemming from, or at least not at the beginning - since we are talking about Sefikura and I do like the romance even if I acknowledge it's a little out there in terms of canon. I'm aware he says some provocative shit, but I think that's to get a reaction - it's taunting more than flirting. So, I don't think it would necessarily occur to Sephiroth to do anything romantic here), I do think Sephiroth would be forced to do shit that's actually helpful. His world domination plans are at a standstill cause he's too weak to enact them, and he's trying to get some sort of reciprocation that's enough for the disease to be satisfied, so even if he doesn't give a shit and thinks it's stupid and a waste of time, he studies Cloud and his friends and their movements and acts accordingly to help. Probably in the most violent way possible, granted. Sending Cloud into more confusion.
What I do find interesting is if Cloud finds out what's happening. Fear in response to learning about possibly romantic feelings on Sephiroth's end is probably unavoidable with how fucked up their in game relations are (Sephiroth's attentions are not exactly kind), but once Cloud realizes the nature of those emotions are not romantic (and therefore not r*pey - while I do have a vested interest in avoiding that, I also don't think it's in character for Seph. He always struck me as someone who either didn't have interest in intercourse for its own sake or just never felt safe enough to try when he was still sane) ironically? I can see Cloud eventually feeling guilty. Because his first reaction would obviously be relief or even happiness at the fact that this is weakening Sephiroth and may potentially lead to his death, and I do believe that would be genuine relief. At the beginning there is no guilt. Just fury at the audacity and a vindictive type of happiness. And then the guilt stems from the insidiousness of a disease like this, as Sephiroth keeps being helpful, and seeing the reality of an individual who no longer acts untouchable like a God, suffering. Not beating the enemy by any honest means but by the simple fact that Cloud despises Sephiroth, and something is responding to that and doing the dirty work for him. And then, feeling guilty about feeling guilty bc he should be happy about keeping Seph contained and unable to hurt others by any means necessary, but he's not. He seems like the type of hero to spiral like that.
And then of course, as time progresses on, the hatred lessening the longer Sephiroth isn't doing any heinous shit, the worry of no longer being able to hold onto enough of that hatred to keep Sephiroth contained, because Cloud isn't stupid, he KNOWS Sephiroth isn't doing this out of anything genuine, but it's still working because humans are humans who have sympathy for those who look like they're suffering and memories that fade and get overwritten with time and new information. And so Cloud knows the second he lets go of that hatred, Sephiroth will go back to killing, but in the same breath he can't help feeling sympathetic. Knowing the manipulation and still falling for it despite yourself is probably uniquely infuriating and seems like the mindfuckery Sephiroth would enjoy.
Here's the kicker though, Cloud's response to that "not-hatred anymore, but not nearly indifferent enough to be neutral" emotion would probably be paired with him treating Sephiroth better than he was treated by any of the Shinra personnel, barring of course Angeal, Genesis and Zack, without even realizing it. Like Sephiroth was dehumanized for so long, both as a weapon to be used and feared and as a public figure to be idolized and adored - none of that was his own to control - so Cloud extending basic courtesies and concern is going to feel different. Maybe it reminds him of Angeal and Genesis, I dunno. It wouldn't be out of the left field, the disease probably already reminds him of the degeneration. So now he's reminded that he was capable of loving people, once. We don't got time to unpack Sephiroth's mile long list of issues in this post but let's say it actually makes Seph come to a couple epiphanies. If Sephiroth's feelings eventually shift to romantic love while Cloud's feelings are shifting to that not-hatred, not-quite-romantic-yet, but not-indifferent, Sephiroth is y'know. Still gonna be stuck with the disease cause it's not technically reciprocation. That would be hilarious wouldn't it. So let's say that happens and Sephy is confused and Cloudy is also confused at the fact that he's beginning to feel charitable towards Sephiroth but he's still not getting better.
On the contrary, I think he would get worse. Because NOW what the Hanahaki is latching onto is real and genuine love. Yeah, that previous weakening wasn't even the disease at full strength, have fun with that.
I can see Sephiroth getting frustrated at this point cause he doesn't seem well adjusted enough to notice his own feelings shifting and put two and two together, so upon realizing that Cloud feels some level of reciprocation and the disease is getting worse, he probably would just. Leave. And at this point in the story I think what would disturb Cloud the most is if he sees Sephiroth give up entirely. Because consistently, the man has never done that before. Sephiroth has never in all the crazy shit that he's done - given up.
Keep in mind, it's only really possible at this point cause Sephiroth has been feeling like absolute dogshit the entire time. Chronic pain wears on you, and for someone who has been inhumanly healthy and then the equivalent of a God, that constant exhaustion and weakness, the choking on your breaths and pain in your chest, and then being so sure of a solution and having hope, only for it to not work and to even get worse - also Seph doesn't have good coping mechanisms clearly - he gives up. And I think this is the push Cloud might need for his own feelings to shift.
And how fucked up would it be if the hanahaki flowers were sent by Aerith though. I don't think she would do that maliciously, but as a way to test if there's any hope for Sephiroth. She maybe didn't necessarily know it would manifest for Cloud, but just some type of reaction. A way to keep her loved ones safe from him? Weakening but not killing him because Sephiroth pollutes the lifestream if he enters it, and he also won't stay dead and everyone keeps suffering because of it and - basically they're at a stalemate. If there is no hope for Seph, then the flowers would do nothing. If there is, then the flowers may be a chance to change things. Imagine that. Whether or not it's in character for Aerith is up for debate but it would be quite interesting.
So Cloud talking to Aerith and learning that? Learning that things aren't as hopeless for Sephiroth as he had assumed? Another point that may cause Cloud's viewpoint to change. It's hard to deny the authenticity of someone's humanity when it's literally killing them.
And since my entire reason for liking Sefikura is partially because Sephiroth's backstory upsets me (most of it's because it's just an interesting dynamic, but the fact that Seph was made to be a weapon, abused throughout his entire life with little to no bodily autonomy nor freedom, thought he had been betrayed by two of the only people he loved, and then manipulated until he went insane, and is now never going to be free of Jenova or his anger and hatred because he gave into his worst demons - that makes me sad. So, admittedly I got into sefikura because of time travel fix-its where Cloud goes back and tries to fix things - which often includes people gradually realizing just how much abuse Sephiroth had suffered, and all the factors that were pushing Seph until he snapped. I mean granted, that doesn't excuse the awful shit he did by any means, but the odds were by every definition, against him from the beginning. The romance was just a large bonus of those fix-its) I'm going to give them a happy ending. Cloud stays there and tries to get Sephiroth back to how he was, and in the process with the amount of time they spend together, and the worry he's been feeling at how Sephiroth is deteriorating, helps push the feelings that are there into fruition. The Hanahaki clears, and Cloud expects to need to fight Sephiroth, expects that he would have to kill him. Sephiroth doesn't - not because he now values humanity or anything because I don't think any amount of redemption is enough for Sephiroth to reach that point, at least not that quickly, that shit would be a lifelong battle - but because he knows Cloud, and he knows he would kill him if he went back to how he was. If it really came down to it, to save the world, Cloud wouldn't hesitate. And once he crosses that line after they've had this dynamic, that's the last betrayal and there would be no going back, no returning. That would be the end, permanently. And he actually wants to stay by Cloud's side. There could be a moment where Sephiroth contemplates it, but in the end his better demons win out, if you wanna add more drama.
I have also thought about what it would be like if Cloud had Hanahaki and it would also be interesting, although the disease type wouldn't quite be the same as for Sephiroth, because Cloud does genuinely hate Seph. So, it would probably be more fucked up - if Sephiroth succeeded in keeping Cloud as a puppet, and that results in a manifestation of Hanahaki because of that forced devotion, since Sephiroth is only using Cloud as a tool. And it ironically weakens Cloud enough that he's no longer useful as a puppet and Sephiroth has to let go. Rinse repeat. Or if Sephiroth is somehow able to use his cells to induce a similar disease in Cloud. That'd be pretty damn fucked up, huh. Compels me though.
Anyways, I dunno if I'll ever use any of these ideas for anything, but it was still interesting to think about. Thank you for reading!
#they're so fucked up lmao i love them#sefikura#final fantasy vii#sephiroth#cloud strife#ff7#cloud x sephiroth#sephiroth x cloud
36 notes
·
View notes
Note
rank the m1000s 👀🙏
ooh okay, I’m not gonna do the ones that keep changing around (I’m sorry maria I love you but your 1000 isn’t getting on the list):
indian wells. for non taylor fritz related reasons I SWEAR (okay maybe a little bit). I mean, it's literally tennis paradise. no other masters can really compare to this in my opinion, there's something really magical about it. it's the first combined 1000 of the year, it is absolutely carrying the "sunshine" in sunshine double (we'll get to miami later), and did any other 1000 get its very own maya edit? I don't think so
monte carlo (don't kill me!). ok picking something to be #2 made me realize that the drop-off from indian wells is real, I had a hard time with this one. and as much as I dislike monte carlo as a place... that court has off the charts vibes. the 2023 edition might be one of my favorite tournaments ever, and I like the way it kicks off clay season. the vibes guys, the vibes!
cincinnati. tbh I'm surprising myself with this one because I've never reeeeeally been able to take cincy seriously because like. it's in ohio. it's known for having players hang out at an applebees. but jokes aside, I kinda love it. the place on the calendar is good, it's a nice warmup for the us open. also influenced by recency bias because the 2023 edition, both wta and atp, were so good. I don't know, I really like its place in the tour, it's just so solid
rome. if you thought cincy had recency bias, let me introduce you to the daniil-incudced overrating of rome. this kinda occupies the same space as cincy, being the real warmup tournament for rg, and same as cincy, I like its place in the calendar and the tour. except, unlike cincy, this is clay season so insanity galore. iga double bageling pliskova in the final that one time will always be iconic and of course, the hard court specialist himself winning this tournament will elevate it forever
miami. "but maya! miami is cursed! it's always raining! how can you put it so high?" two words: jannik sinner. yeah the jannik miami narratives strike a chord in my brain like few other player + tournament pairings do and it makes me so insane that I kind of learned to make gifs just because I had a jannik miami gifset idea. other than jannik, despite the nature of it being very much cursed, it does usually produce some really good tennis in the last few rounds
madrid. ah, madrid. if we were going off of tennis alone, this would be top 3 easily. back to back amazing igaryna finals, carlos' magical 2022 run, andy murray beating rafa in the final in straight sets somehow, ons' win in 2022. alas, there is more that just the tennis, and the organization of this tournament is genuinely horrible and so fucking sexist. a tournament like this does not deserve the quality of tennis it gets
doha/dubai. yes I know they're two separate 1000s this year but they've always flip-flopped in the past so as a 1000, it's always been one entity to me (and there's nothing that would put one above or below the other). there's always really good matches, obviously iga consistently sweeps doha and it's amazing, but dubai also gave us krejcikova's absolutely ridiculous 2023 run and this year's final was amazing. always a solid tournament with some great tennis
montreal/toronto. I feel bad for putting it so low, but it's always been kinda meh to me. 2023's chaos aside, this is the tournament where top players find their feet on hardcourts after wimbledon, and... I don't know. it's perfectly fine, but there's nothing really remarkable about it
shanghai/beijing. another one that I feel really bad for putting low, but there's something about that post-us open big tournament that just feels so bleh. the season is so long already and the players are just so exhausted. it doesn't usually take away from the quality of the tennis, it just doesn't have the same feeling as the stuff above it. I would say it feels a bit tacked on, but there's only one tournament I really think that about and that's...
paris. good god. there is something wrong with this tournament. I don't think an indoor 1000 is a bad idea, but the court and the lighting is just so bland, especially when compared to turin which is just two weeks later. at this point in the season, the top players want to be at the finals and anyone who isn't a top player just wants to be home and it just feels like an exhausted tournament. casper was right about one thing in his yap session the uts dinner: paris is easily the worst masters 1000
9 notes
·
View notes
Text
Speaking of my experiences in Greece 🇬🇷
~ You can skip this post if you want lol; I just wanted to talk about my love for Greece and the trip I just took ~
I can honestly say that my trip to Greece has changed me as a person. I went at a time in my life where everything felt hopeless and I was processing some very major, very recent, traumas. To say the least, I was very stressed out leading up to this trip, and I remember praying to Hermes and Apollo for a life-changing experience in Greece, begging them for something to genuinely look forward to. And I got exactly what I asked for.
I have realized how seriously I've been taking both myself and the world around me and how much I desperately needed to take a step back and just enjoy life as it comes.
On my trip, I unfortunately got sick, and it made a lot of things very difficult. We had somewhat of a schedule to follow in the beginning, so it felt like I was struggling to keep up with everyone with my cold slowing me down. All I could think about was how much it sucked to be me, how much it sucked that I could barely keep up with everyone, how much I was a burden on others for something I literally could not control. And after needing to miss a night of festivities in order to finally rest, I realized just how harmful that thinking was. I finally noticed that hey, I have some actual agency over the thoughts I think and the things I feel. I thought I was at the mercy of mental illness and trauma, but as I took that day to rest, I realized that I really just needed to take care of myself and enjoy the things that I could participate in.
I also realized my POTS - a heart-related condition I have - does not have the right to control my entire life. I had to push myself quite hard in Greece, mostly in the last five days of our trip which was in Athens. It was blisteringly hot, and I had literal drops of sweat rolling down my face from the heat alone. Heat is a trigger of my POTS, so I was very concerned that something bad would happen but was extremely surprised when it didn't. Granted, my heart rate was constantly elevated - between 120-130 bpm - but overall, I was able to push myself to walk much farther than I ever thought I could. Although I'd never want to push myself that hard at a job (that would get exhausting to do each and every day 💀), I did at least find out that my limits are a lot further along than I previously assumed.
This experience has taught me so many things. Independence from my parents is essential and should be my first focus, any goal can be achieved through hard work and tenacity, I need to sit down and think about what I want to achieve in life and what gives me passion, self-confidence is crucial, who gives a single fuck what other people say or think if I'm happy, pessimism is not the same as realism, sometimes I make myself unhappy by solely focusing on the negatives, look at the world through the lens of child where even little things are amazingly captivating, it's ok to be generous with others as long as I'm also taking care of my own needs, I'm capable of doing a lot more physical activity before having health issues than I thought, and I will straight up never complain about being too hot ever again.
The Greek people are so impressively hard-working! They put a lot of passion and care into the things they love, and it was genuinely really inspiring. I'm so grateful I was able to participate in cultural traditions while I was there. Everyone was incredibly inviting, and it was refreshing to see such strong cultural values and traditions. Even when I was feeling shy or lacked confidence, I was encouraged to participate and just have a good time (being a bit tipsy made it all the merrier lol). I absolutely love Greece! I truly hope I can visit again soon.
I can't thank my gods enough for answering my prayers and providing me with something that will influence my life, and even my worship, from now on. I can't thank the people I met enough for teaching me lessons I never knew I needed to learn and treating me like a close friend or family. I'm so grateful for all the things I learned in Greece. I can now only hope that I will continue to change for the better.
#personal#just wanted to talk about my experiences in Greece#it's really important to me#and i will forever hold this trip close to my heart#it was the most fun I've had in literal years#i needed it
21 notes
·
View notes
Note
im so interested in how you'll tackle jodie's era -- it's been so interesting to see you go through nu who and in such an organized way!! i really enjoy seeing how you talk about each episode and pick the various elements apart && it even made me want to go back and rewatch the tail end of moffat w/ bill & clara with capaldi, even though i'm not generally a fan of his!
heya, thank you! it's nice to know a few people were reading them (I deliberately didn't tag them doctor who, because I didn't want to clog up the main tag, and I didn't want to ruin anyone's good time if they weren't interested in a big complain)
I'm just finishing up a comprehensive excel sheet that I was doing simultaneously with this watch, in which I documented all the ratings I gave each episode, measured average rating per season, and which points tended to do better or worse as a whole throughout the years, and then also gave short points on the pros and cons of each episode with "recommended" ratings.
point being when it's all put together like that, I can see there are some really good episodes throughout this era, and -- despite how much I rag on m*ffat for writing narrative that comes from nowhere (and he does that all the fucking time) -- a comprehensive thematic thread from beginning to end, although in my opinion some of it comes from fandom reading into things (as is a good pastime) more than the actual text of the show
in general I noticed that capaldi-era skewed higher in the ratings (especially s9 and 10), because... well I still wonder if part of it wasn't capaldi's influence on the writing, but whomst knows. I have yet to finish the final episode rating which all of us who know it know is a return to some unfortunate as fuck writing choices, and listen, I was almost, almost wishing m*ffat could have had a little more time because I wanted Bill to have a little more time, and then this episode came and reminded me why m*ffat should never have more time to write anything, so small upsides
rambling at you now officially, this is short ramble length ah well.
I won't be doing such an organised measuring of whittaker's era, a. because I don't know it so well yet (I've only previously seen s1) and so don't have as much of a sense of its episodic structures, and b. while I know it has some things that are great, the things that aren't so great feel more involved and less easy to put on a rating's system. also c. this actually got quite exhausting after awhile (once the hyperfixation novelty of the idea of rating every episode wore off)
so I think for whittaker will be more informally jumping in and out, similar to some of the classic!who watching I'm doing. can say I very much enjoyed the woman who fell to earth, more than I remembered doing, which I think is because last time I got to whittaker I was post-m*ffat tired of the show
so it's nice to know he hasn't ruined my excitement for it this time around, I've found the Things that are for me in his era by poking and clawing at it!!! but isn't that just the doctor who way. sometimes you check out for a bit but it pulls you back in again (affectionately)!
#asks ❤#turtleswhynot#i am increasingly convinced that m*ffat should not be given the kind of influence he has on british tv#which may be preaching to the choir but truly it's bonkers how many cultural mainstays he's been allowed to swing a hammer at#not to mention his original shows#m*ffat conspiracy theory (it's not we know his wife and her family are important people in the bbc)
6 notes
·
View notes
Text
Hiiiii, here's some thoughts and things I've been pondering on over the last couple weeks (also might delete later idk lol, take this with a grain of salt because I'm a little tipsy, emotional from pms (and maybe a little bit of heartbreak), and also maybe sorta sleep deprived. okay thanks!) Also pro tip- don't watch sappy teen rom-coms when you're already a sensitive emotional mess!!!!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I've been thinking a lot lately about relationships, in all forms, casual, romantic, family, friendships, deep relationships and surface level relationships, coworkers, acquaintances, community, blah blah blah you get the idea. Basic human connection baby. I've never really been the type of person to be casual or surface level about anything in my life, especially relationships. I sink into connection, always wanting to know more about people, looking for the deeper connection, never really satisfied with a tip of the iceberg, never really knowing anything about each other kind of connection(I blame it on my pisces moon and cancer venus lol). And at the same time, knowing the cost of that, knowing that I could know someone so deeply and the next second they could be done with all of it, has me running the other direction more often than not. And yes I know, people will not always be in your life forever, basic human condition and all that. But taking into account freedom of choice and miscommunications and attachment styles and people's own individual baggage and blah blah blah, everything that people bring into a relationship, be it platonic or romantic, influences how long that relationship will last. At least in my opinion it does. (and just to assure, I have since learned the art of managing my expectations when it comes to deeper connections and much lighter ones, even with my love and want for deep connections.) And it is inevitable that people will leave, for whatever reason, but that logic doesn't erase the hurt from that person not being there anymore. A lot of this train of thought came from both a recent disagreement with a friend that essentially ended said friendship, and me thinking that I could subject myself to casual dating relationships as a way to re-enter the dating world. In both of these situations, I found myself feeling small, unseen and unknown, and like something that could be easily discarded without a second thought. On the friendship side of it, there was so much connection and learning about each other that in the end, didn't matter and I ended up giving too much of myself to someone who wasn't able to reciprocate. And in the realm of dating and casual relationships, I thought I could re-enter that world, go on fun dates, be casual and learn what I like and dislike in all of it, learn to not jump into things so quickly, just have fun dating for once rather than having heart palpitating anxiety about it. Lol, nope, what dumb bitch thought that was a good idea??? It was fun for a half a second and then just made me feel frustrated and used(both emotionally and physically, hello orgasm gap) and honestly kind of exhausted at the whole of dating(but I'm trying to not give up for whatever reason) (also turns out men still think it's a great idea to send unsolicited dick pics in fucking 2024. Please, for the love of god, don't.) And sitting in all of this, having these experiences, feeling grief over all of it, is the thought that I am simply not made for superficial relationships. Sure there are people I may have a more casual connection with, but the feeling of being unknown to someone, of resigning myself to be the thing they want in order to have connection, feeling like someone isn't even the tiniest bit curious about me, is not something I was made for and no matter how much I try to fit myself into this idea of relationships that is so persistent now, I'm inevitably dissatisfied with it and feel worse than if I had just kept to myself. Connection and community is at the core of what it is to be human and we've gotten so backwards with that. If you read any or all of this, I'm telepathically giving you forehead kisses. Suffice it to say, I am a committed, loyal, curious, big feelings, social, connection oriented girlie and the way that relationships have become so superficial is so fucking soul draining.
#mine#text post#tldr#read later#I have a lot of thoughts and have been very emotional lately and now y'all know why
3 notes
·
View notes
Note
I’m really struggling to imagine Troy as a father (if the rumor is true lol but I feel like it is) 😭. Whether his daughter is his biologically or not how do you think he would’ve raised her???
YES I've finally found the time to answer this ask! I have been burning to ever since I got it but was too busy until now.
OMG, nonny! That's the question, isn't it?! I've asked myself the very same thing more than once - and, unfortunately, can't quite land on an answer.
I think the biggest problem is that we don't know anything about what Troy has been up to in the last 10? years between s3 and s8. So truthfully, anything could happen!
Also I do think there is a difference re: adopted kid vs. biological one. Mostly because there's a difference between being responsible for a baby (most vulnerable being) vs. taking in a older kid (fully formed human, own personality). So let's go through that bit by bit.
I think the baby would soften Troy very early on. I also think being so loving towards his own child would reopen old wounds and traumas, make him see the things he never got to have so who knows how that would go, right… he's not the best adapted person after all. Even so, I think that the way he would be needed by a baby (and the easy way they love/respond towards caregivers) would work wonders on him. Make him live up to being a good dad with a fierce determination. Not for himself, this time, but for the baby.
I also think that the influence the mother could play on him can't be neglected (if she's still around haha). He does have his issues with parent-figures ('mommy issues', but also daddy issues) and so there's lots of opportunity for angsty, dramatic stuff happening between him and the mom - mostly I'm thinking of how he'd overreact to perfectly normal behavior of mom that would seem abusive to him - especially in the cases when she is tired/exhausted. At the same time there is also opportunity for lots of healing. Depending on mom's character this could end up being really good for him - or fucking him up further (especially if mom is manipulative etc). After all, we can't forget that Troy in s3 didn't really know yet who he was - remember Jeremiah telling Madison something along the lines of "Even Troy doesn't know what he'll do next/how he'll react".
But I still think if he has a baby instead of an adopted kid the probability of him mellowing is greater. Sure, they'll hit bumps in the road (terrible twos for example) but all in all I think he'll do his damnest to be a good dad. To be different than his parents were. With the same determination he doesn't drink, he'll also make sure not to repeat these sins of his parents (abusive behavior). And mom can help, again, depending on her character.
I also think if mom turns out to be abusive Troy's not gonna stay (I mean, truly abusive towards the kid. He'll probably do the less healthy thing and stay if she's 'only' abusive towards him…)
And of course, no matter which path he'll follow, he will teach the kid everything she needs to know to survive. Just, his methods may differ (being patient and kind and enthusiastic vs. being more like I imagine his parents were (easily angered when kid!Troy didn't get things right the first time, annoyed by questions, brutal teaching methods like leaving her out alone for a night etc).
Now, if he adopts, there's more opportunity for clashes between him and the kid from the start and the transition could be more difficult. Doesn't have to be, of course, depending on how it all starts out. If he stole her then there definitely will be clashes. If he saved her from her parents or zombies or whatever, much less so - or, at least, it will happen later (I'm of course assuming the kid is grateful for being saved….). If the clashes do happen later, their relationship will have had a chance to blossom though and they could get through it smoother. He would react much gentler I think than if the clash happens right at the start (or, keeps happening). And yes, overall I do think having someone helpless depend on him so obviously (either the baby thing or him having to save the kid from a bad situation) will turn him gentler too, at least towards her. Also having adopted (pre-)teen (I assume) will most likely remind him starkly of his childhood self, too (or even more so than a baby) - and this could go either way, too. Him becoming like his parents in response to the uhm stress of it all (since stress or being overwhelmed does make it more likely to fall back to behaviors well known. And his parents abuse is very well known to him I think…) or him making a very conscious effort to break the cycle of violence. I could see him do the former in this scenario more likely than the one with the baby.
Though I think another factor plays into what kind of dad he becomes. Namely, his own headspace (and what kind of person he is at the time of the adoption. Since, again, he didn't really know himself by the end of s3, not fully. There was still so much opportunity for growth and getting to know himself). Is he only out for revenge and the kid thing just happened to have happened on the way along and well now he's saddled with it but like, not really putting too much thought into this? Not dedicating too much time to it? Then he'll be a more distant dad, more easily annoyed, more like his parents. From the short teaser (not the newest one, the one that showed him listening to Madison's broadcast and him having Alicia's arm(?)) it seemed like he is out for revenge, for hunting down Madison. But it could as well be used to mislead the viewers so I'm not putting too much stock into it until we see s8B… (to me, personally, it doesn't feel like he would want revenge - he'd just want another opportunity to interact with Madison… but that's my personal interpretation and could well not be canon-compliant…).
In conclusion, it is really difficult to say what kind of dad Troy ends up being (mostly because we have so many things missing and have to make up our own theories). If well explained, any path could work, I think. Good dad or Jeremiah 2.0 or something in between… (though the Jeremiah 2.0 would break my heart and I'd really love to see some good dad Troy)
I hope this answers your question (otherwise feel free to send clarifications haha). Thank you so much for the ask, I hope you have a great day 🧡
#troy otto#ftwd#ask#speculation#spoilers#i guess#just give us good dad!Troy#that would be so lovely#since 'a town called malice' and Kelly Lord trying to be like a good older brother/uncle towards eddie I have#such a need to see Daniel in a good dad role#but not any character of his but a character that has had a shitty upbringing/bad parents#a character that isn't fully grown yet (mentally)#so Troy fits perfectlyyy
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
This is controversial.
But as someone who was a trans man for 2 years I feel like I have some place to speak on it.
Bring transgender (and this is not all people but specifically my personal experiences) is based off of gender stereotypes.
I just saw a video on Dylan Mulvaney's new song and I can't say anything has pissed me off more. There is no such thing as a concrete slate of what a woman is. A woman can be a nurse but she could also be a plumber, which we all know. But how womanhood in these terms tends to be portrayed as harmful stereotypes that can harm biological women. I have no issue with whatever these people's lives are but to say that biological women are just bleeders that give birth (which some of us dont even get periods and are infertile) but then go and say that you have to "learn the basics" even though you literally just said they're wasn't anything that makes a woman a woman.
I'm sorry for my language, but what the fuck?
I'm exhausted of how this is going. And for me to sit over here and watch, mind you, literal children, be influenced by this and think to be a woman you have to be like this and to be a man you have to be like this and if you're not in either explicit rules then you're something else.
Dosen't that literally go against everything we've tried to fix as a society? I'm not a man but I have many male friends so I'm aware that if a man were to wear a dress or whatever is considered feminine he'd be called gay and said no woman would ever like him. Obviously I'm not a man but I have heard things along those lines before.
My point is, the only reason transgender exists is because of harmful gender stereotypes we've created since the beginning of society. I'm a history nerd and you can make the argument that there was gender discriminatory in hunter-gatherer times but I'm pretty sure our ancestors just new that men were biologically stronger than women. Specifically within the Ancient Rome and Greece it is known that women had practically no rights, it's a whole thing but I'm not going to get into that because this will be much longer than it needs to be.
Just think about it. Like you're the exact same person, just with different genitals. Is it really worth all the money? And if so, why?It's just a vagina or a penis it's not much of a difference.
And I'll tell you how I know. I got sick and tired of how I looked because I was "too masculine" with my blunt eyebrows, square face, and muscular bone structure. It's not even like I was extremely muscular either (of which I am now significantly more than I was at the time because I've come to embrace that part of myself). I also had a slight mustache, because body hair is, NORMAL, and my mom kept nagging me about my body hair (My mom is an amazing woman so don't say anything rude about her, it's just unfortunately how our society works). So I became trans. It felt as though all my problems had dissapeared and all I had to worry about was correcting people and changing my name. But it soon became hard. I realized how feminine I actually was and hated every part of it. Not to mention a lot of my friends are part of the LGBTQ+ and I can't explain how absolutely terrified I was to tell them. I got the "Oh are you sure it wasn't your parents or peers pressuring you into it" amongst lots if other things. It was hard for me to actually be myself when I had been hiding behind a person I created just because I hated certain parts of my personality, looks or interests for being "too masculine".
It has been said so many times and I'll say it again. The issue does not lie with people being transgender or anything under the umbrella (I don't care what you have in your pants or what your pronouns are I'll respect it because it has nothing to do with me) it has to lie with gender roles, expectations, culture etc. Its good to preserve history and culture, but some needs to be changed for the good.
Theres so many more details I could add to this to explain it more but these are just the basics. If anyone has questions onto why I have this opinion or need for more information don't hesitate to ask.
And also just remember I'm just someone on the internet so if you dont agree with my opinion feel free to rip my face off in the comments but it's really a waste of your time.
3 notes
·
View notes
Note
8, 18, 27, 30!
8. Least favorite lord/protagonist?
haha, this feels like a bit of a cheap answer, but: eliwood's such a nothingburger of a character. the writing in FE7 was generally weaker than the games in the series i care more deeply about, so like, the dude has a serious disadvantage there, but lyn & hector were both reliably more interesting, whereas eliwood is just. bland wonderbread
18. How do you tend to play Fire Emblem? (es. casually, doing Ironman runs, playing it like a visual novel)
i like the strategy & story aspects of the games equally, and i like them in a can't-put-it-down, can't-wait-to-see-what-happens-next, can't-wait-to-try-the-next-map kinda way. ergo, i tend to play: on hard mode (but generally not maddening, because if it's too hard that kills my forward momentum), strategy nerding pretty hard but not exhaustively so (i.e. i'm not gonna spend ages on forums trying to figure out the Objectively Correct Build; that takes away time from PLAYING THE GAME), bolting straight for the ending (e.g. ignoring skirmishes in games that have those), as fast as humanly possible. (it's dangerous for me to open an FE game if i have other important obligations going on in my life lol)
i'm also definitely influenced a bit by who else is playing around me. when Awakening came out, me + my most strategy-nerd FE friend were on an absolute tear to see who could out-hardcore the other, so i was doing EXHAUSTIVE spreadsheets for all the genetics stuff haha.
i also was doing a weekly slowplay of the Tellius games with some friends a few years ago and that was REALLY fun. we'd all played the games before and liked them, so we'd switch who was piloting the map each week and the rest of us would heckle, share opinions about characters/story/tactics/etc. good times <3
27. Any fanfics/fan content you’d recommend? (You can plug your own stuff it’s fine)
oh boy DO I EVER, here's a bunch
MAGVEL
* sleep of the just. occasionally i get to be the person to send this fic to someone who JUST finished Sacred Stones for the FIRST time, and then they send me a capslock WHAT THE FUCK message an hour later and i'm just like :DDDDDDDDDDDD
* l'arachel/rennac silliness! and yet more l'arachel/rennac silliness!
* this one's technically a crossover with Awakening but. L'ARACHEL. MY GIRL. jonphaedrus writes her so well sighs into hands
* we all love creepy ephraim/lyon, yes? yes.
TELLIUS
* i'm completely feral for myaru's naesala/sanaki stuff. here's one, here's another
* here's naesala being a messy disaster for 20k words and i love it so much
* actually the correct soren pairing is: soren/kurthnaga
* i think about the final scene in this sothe/micaiah/pelleas disaster like once a week
* this sothe & tormod friendship thing is so perfect that i've been checking it every day since i got it as a gift & thinkin GOD MORE PEOPLE NEED TO APPRECIATE HOW GOOD THIS SHIT IS
* shinon is my favorite asshole
* bastian & renning. god i can't believe more people haven't fic'd them, but, at least there is this one and it's a great time
THREE HOUSES
* the blue lions defect to the empire & everyone's miserable in the most delicious way. also there's some serious edelgard/ingrid vibes and they're immaculate
* this ashen wolves casefic is just so satisfying and cute and self-contained and fun
* this claude and flayn bodyswap fic is really goofy and fun and pitch-perfect. and if you dig it, there's more where that came from; the author excels at having so much FUN with every fic they touch
* cough there's a certain dimitri/yuri fic that's, uh, very iddy and has every trigger warning imaginable but also rules. i ain't linkin it here, but it's not hard to find, if that sounds compelling lol
and yeah i also write fic! Silent World is probably my personal fave ("Naesala being a bastard for 15k words, what's not to love"), but i've written plenty of other stuff, mostly featuring golden deer & laguz characters~
30. Since horse abuse is currently popular on Tumblr, beat up a dead horse with your take on an oversaturated topic🐴
"is edelgard literally hitler" the people ask. "is edelgard the great liberator of our time" the people ask. and yet nary a soul asks: "woah that body horror stuff with Edelgard at the end of the Blue Lions route was kinda blink-and-you'll-miss-it but also weirdly hot, can we get some bad ending stuff with that—"
21 notes
·
View notes
Note
oh. i've been thinking about your oc quartet recently. mainly. devin. tells us about devin.
:D :D :D!!!!
god i'm trying to think of things about devin that i haven't already said. she's an exhausted chronically ill mess who's filled with undying rage, she's a predestined martyr who keeps delaying sainthood by Stubbornly Staying Alive, she's a snarly cunt and somehow also much kinder than anyone expects her to be....
rafi spent a good chunk of time earlier today laying in bed with me and doing analysis of the quartet, which is Amazing. everyone get yourself a rafi who will analyze a story you haven't even written yet with you. we talked a Lot about devin's relationships to the other three quartet members, so that's what's on the brain right now.
bc like. devin's relationship with nova is godawful, obviously. fated soulmates, arranged marriage, forced family siblings, whatever you want to call it, they are Not Good For Each Other. devin is so fucking angry at nova for everything that's happened between them, nova is so fucking desperate to make devin be Good, and the two of them are the only ones who can understand their own specific illnesses, so they remain codependently tangled up in each other.... it would be a lot easier if their relationship was an uncomplicated, loveless political marriage. that they both have complex feelings for each other is what's killing them.
devin's relationship with sol is a lot less complicated on the surface, but not exactly healthy, either. the two of them have suffered similar trauma at the hands of similar (sometimes the exact same) people, they both have an undying rage toward The System (TM), they both like killing people and having weird sex about it, etc. sol is out here like "i'm evilly manipulating you" and devin is like "it's not evilly manipulating me if i fully want to do this and know you're trying to manipulate me" while sol is like "Let Me Have This,"
but devin and RUBY.
rafi and i talked So Much about devin and ruby.
bc on the surface, sol is everything that nova isn't. ie: she's a mean bitch with no friends, who sucks. and ruby, on the other hand, is Nice. and patient. and sweet.
and devin finds that..... Fucking Terrifying.
bc they recognize that demeanor from nova. and nova is only nice and patient and sweet in service of an agenda. and ruby doesn't seem to have an agenda.
so what...... what Does she want.
there are Several Key Events that influence how devin's perception of ruby changes, i won't get deep into them here because i should save at least Some scenes for the actual book. but there's something about like... devin's inability to believe that ruby genuinely respects people's autonomy, because of their relationship with nova. and how ruby's overtures of friendship make devin want to climb out of his skin.
and there's also something to ruby being a mixed Black woman with a noticeable 'foreign' accent, and devin being a dark-skinned transfem person who doesn't know her birth parents & was raised in nova's Deeply Colonialist culture. the two of them sharing experiences with regards to gender and sexuality and race and ethnicity that nova and sol don't.
sol is from the same country as ruby and shares her native language -- but she has also done So Much to assimilate and get rid of her accent and culture and even parts of her name. ruby and devin have similar experiences with being visibly part of a diaspora, feeling out-of-place, navigating where they stand in tachni and in the broader world. devin and ruby also share a desire to protect and help people that sol and nova typically do not.... what with nova desperately wanting to preserve the status quo, and sol wanting to burn everything down without caring what the consequences are.
there's A Lot happening with them. their relationship probably has the most potential to be Functional, but that doesn't mean it's boring or conflict-free. devin and ruby have so much conflict it is Fucking Unbelievable. but they both genuinely want what's best for the other, which is.... something that neither of them are used to having in a partner.
#replies#long post#original fiction#original fiction quartet#original fiction meta#devin#devin and ruby#devin and sol#devin and nova#with this i am about to go out with rafi for ice cream :) they r such a good partner 2 bounce stuff off creatively.
13 notes
·
View notes
Text
My wright #3 - I'm back
I know I've been very far from tumblr for a long time, but I had no idea my last appearance here was on Feb 20th. Long four months that, honestly, felt like just a few weeks.
I don't remember the exact reason why I got offline, but I suppose it was a huge amount of tasks (home + course), and add it tons and tons of exhaustion (mental, emotional and physical).
It's no surprise that my life only gets worse, and I'm not exaggerating or being dramatic or playing the victim. I really mean it. Also, I'm not being negative and pessimist. Nothing works for me. I am unemployed and I'm looking for a job for three years. Ok, we had a fucking pandemic in the middle of the process, but things are back to normal already and everyone I know had success after all of that. Except for me. Do you know how fucked up is it to be unemployed? It more than sucks. I only get older (and more tired) and it hinders to find a job. Not only "I am too old" to get a beginners job, but also I feel so uncapable, psicologically I am destroyed because no matter how hard I try to get my shit together, nothing works. I even get some job interviews, but I never step forward. I can't get a job as a designer. I can't get a job as anything else — I tried to get a job on many different areas, except for seller cause the pressure is way too much for me to handle (I am way too bad already, I can't get any worse or God knows what may happen) — I can't get any little ray of success at anything at all. Why? Is it me?
Honestly, I don't think I am the problem. Not anymore. I used to think I was terrible as a student, as a designer and then I would be a terrible professional as well. Plus, I am too shy and dumb, I wouldn't know what to do in much pressure, and job recruiters know that and would never approve me. But no. I know I am good in what I do. Obviously I'm not the best (and I think I don't even want to be, so that's ok), but I'm good and I deserve more. I am so attentious, cautios and passionate (finally! this would be a good topic to write about: my passion for design). And being shy and dumb? Like... Everyone is hah I know people who are even shyer and dumber, and they have a job, they do a great work. So, no. I am not the problem. So, the only answer I can think of is: external influence. I am the least spiritual person I know (another good topic to write about), but oh man, it's the only thing that makes any sense to me. I believe the horrendous, deep and negative energy of the enviroment I live in, unfortunately influences my paths. And not only to get a job, but to anything to me. For example, I can't have a date. I can't. My life is too bad, my psychologic is too bad, my emotional too bad. This is all because of this fucking shitty energy of the enviroment I live in.
Well, no surprises here. But yeah my life was a mess and got even worse. It gets worse with time. And as if everything isn't all fucked up already, my grandma (who is kinda still recovering from her knee fracture) fell of the stairs and broke her two wrists. Now, again, me and my mom have to take care of her — but this time we must keep our eyes on her all. the. time. Do you know how exhausting and demanding taking care of an old person can be??? I had no clue until last year when she broke her knee, now it's her knee and two arms. My God.
Just when I thought I was getting a bit better, I got totally worse again. But now I feel like I'm a little bit less shitty than I was a couple of months ago. Seriously, about two months ago I was so bad as I've never been my whole life :( I tried looking for psychological help but, uh oh, how will I afford it if I'm unemployed? I can't get better psychologically, I can't get better emotionally, I can't get better financially, I can't get better in any layer of life... However, these past weeks I felt a little motivation to just keep on going one day at a time, I miss tumblr and I miss my friends & mutuals, I miss doing those tagging post stuff. These are some of the things that bring me some joy :) despite feeling the worst ever, I want to be here and I want to keep on doing, cause if I don't, I will probbaly disassociate for real and I don't even know what's next.
This is probably the longest text post I've written here, but well deserved cause four months away from my safe place... It's a lot. I don't know how long this motivation phase will take, I hope it's like before. But while I'm here, I want to be here.
9 notes
·
View notes
Text
Idle musings of a sour note:
Tumblr has a strange culture. I've enjoyed a lot of stories in my time... Yet, to come onto tumblr and find other people discussing them.... disgusting them...
"Other people", of course. I could play some grim, ugly refrain, giving names to this-and-that...
"I name you... ugly-monkey-butt! ......and I name you.... Poopoo Papa!"
lol.
So, "fandoms" (fan-kingdoms) can build around a story. They may develop their own "fanon" (fan-canon; i.e. things that do not actually happen in the story, but which are memetically-propagated within the culture of the fandom.)
So how do these fandoms propagate?
I feel that a big 'factor' is in people who have not actually read the Original story... or perhaps they "found out about the story through the influence of fandom", and so they may have been primed by the fanonical lense applied to it -- to already react to the events in the story a certain way.
This is why I cherish those stories that I read in the times before I founded a blog. I didn't 'instantly-react', I didn't update my blog to say: "HOLY SHIT GUYS! THIS IS CRAZY!"
It was me with my nose in the book, immersed in an intercourse with the characters of the story.
Now, are there interesting stories inspired by other stories? Yes, of course. Many authors have been inspired by art.
There is a difference in ecosystem between a "fan-collective", and a singular fan, and a small group of friends who discuss something together.
I get a very 'oppressive sense' from tumblr, and I always have, since I discovered it. Yet, there is also boundless creativity to be found on the world wide web... so what will I do?
i feel a good balance of nice energy & rude energy cioming through the monitor at me, and i think i will stay online for about 3 more hours.
--- wint@dril
fucking lab rats drinking morphine-laced water when they're kept alone, and preferring normal water when they're socially-engaged. (both sets of rats have a choice of drink)
....but can't anything have a 'fanonical lense', so to speak?
Such as... trying to interpret the results of a scientific experiment. Just like what I just said... the way I phrased it. How I related it to my own set of experiences... that's all... so...
human.
I think I have a deep antipathy for ....something. I thought "the human race", but then I recoiled from that. Its more about the 'cultures' of people. Sick, empty, impoverished of meaning. Is this all a result of "the greater system at work"? Don't people have a choice in where their own lives go?
Yes, well, at the same time.... the product ends up very ugly if you try to force people to change.
Even if they acqueisce, agree, follow you enthusiastically... it just is not natural. Believe me, I've tried. I learned my lesson. Even myself: I guillessly followed a few self-assured idiots, and only through realizing that my "new output" had become irredeemably ugly, did I ever put it down. Who cares about heartless, intellectual arguments, in the face of beauty?
Beauty is intellect that becomes integrated into the sense world. It's deeper...
Simplicity.
In the theoretical realm, I sound really mean. -- like I'm just 'berating fans for no reason'. but if I showed an example.... hm, well what inspired me to write this?
continue reading...
A few people have written offshoot stories where the child B had loved the child A, and mourned their death. This became a popular 'fanon': that idea of a motive for revenge against L.
....but, I find that so.... saccharine.... cloying. Stupid.
Perhaps that feeling stems from my own detachment from social bonds, wherefore I........
Well, actually...
My question is:
"Do you think you can replace Madness?"
As I see it, Grief is an exhaustible motive. Eventually you will get sick, and sick of paring yourself down and down to fit into the box of the "Victim", the "Underdog who is supposed to overtake the Suppressor".
what if you were doing things just to see what happened?
what if life was an experiment?
as yelyahnaloj said today, it's good to think of an experiment as telling a story. it cannot be separate from the context within which it took. At least... not without sacrificing data.
So maybe this child was inspired by what he saw going on around in life.
I think that human relations can be much more complex than simply "love" or "hate", or shades in-between. After all, we have Sadism and Masochism, which seem to light up both centers at once.
...feeling for another person can be "layered". Perhaps the ones "on top", (i.e. conscious) are not Falsities.... Are there rules to human cognition?
Who is to say I haven't loved someone who I also hated so, so much. I was glad when he died, even though I love him. I still love him. People are more than paper.
Perhaps "fandom" can seem strangely neutered. After all, a blogger may want to "portray a good face". So-called "social-justice culture" is endemic to this website...
Actually, no, I think it's just a welcoming host. From what I heard, SJWism (and the annoying, cloying attitudes) may have originated (in their recent forms)... on the Something Awful webforums.
I think vanity is ugly.
I relate very much to Czesław Miłosz's profile of Beta:
"When I met Beta in 1942, he was twenty years old. He was a lively boy with black, intelligent eyes. The palms of his hands perspired, and there was that exaggerated shyness in his behavior that usually bespeaks immense ambition. Behind his words one felt a mixture of arrogance and humility. In conversation he seemed inwardly convinced of his own superiority; he attacked ferociously yet retreated immediately, bashfully hiding his claws. His ripostes were full of pent-up irony. Probably, though, these characteristics were most pronounced when he spoke with me or with other writers older than he. As a beginning poet, he felt he owed them a certain respect, but actually he believed they were none too deserving of it. He knew better; in him lay the promise of a truly great writer.
In 1942 in Warsaw, we were living without hope, or rather on a hope we knew to be a delusion. The empire which had absorbed our country was so mighty that only an incorrigible optimist could believe in the possibility of a totally vanquished Germany. Nazi plans in regard to our nation were perfectly clear: to exterminate the educated class, to colonize, and to deport a segment of the population to the East.
Beta was one of the young people who started writing during the War, in the language of slaves. He supported himself by various odd jobs. It is hard to define exactly how people earn a living in a city completely outside the law. Usually they took half-fictitious posts in an office or factory that supplied them with a work-card plus the opportunity to operate a black market or to steal, which was not regarded as immoral because it injured the Germans. At the same time, he studied in the underground university and shared the exuberant life of the resistance youth. He went to meetings where he and the other young people drank vodka, argued heatedly about literature and politics, and read illegal publications.
But he smiled scornfully at his comrades; he saw things more clearly than they. He found their patriotic zeal for battle against the Germans a purely irrational reflex. Battle-yes, but in the name of what? None of these young people believed any longer in democracy. Most of the countries of Eastern Europe had been semi-dictatorships before the War; and the parliamentary system seemed to belong to a dead era. There was no question as to how one came into power; whoever wanted to take over authority had only to seize it by force, or else create a "movement" to exert pressure on the government for admittance into a coalition. This was an age of nationalist "movements," and Warsaw youth was still very much under their influence even though, obviously, it had no sympathy for either Hitler or Mussolini. Its reasoning was confused. The Polish nation was oppressed by the Germans; so, one had to fight. When Beta declared that they were merely countering German nationalism with Polish nationalism, his comrades shrugged their shoulders. When he asked what values they wanted to defend or on what principles Europe was to be built in the future, he got no reply.
Here indeed was a well of darkness: no hope of liberation, and no vision of tomorrow. A battle for battle's sake. A return to the pre-war status quo, bad though it had been, was to be the reward for those who might live to see the victory of the Anglo-Saxons. This lack of any sort of vision led him to see the world as a place in which nothing existed outside of naked force. It was a world of decline and fall. And the liberals of the older generation, mouthing nineteenth-century phrases about respect for man-while all about them hundreds of thousands of people were being massacred-were fossil remains.
Beta had no faith, religious or other, and he had the courage to admit it in his poems. He ran off his first volume of verse on a mimeograph machine. No sooner had I received his book and pried apart its sticky pages than I realized that here was a real poet. The reading of his hexameters was not, however, a joyous undertaking. The streets of occupied Warsaw were gloomy. Underground meetings in cold and smoky rooms, when one listened for the sound of Gestapo boots on the stairs, were like grim rituals conducted in catacombs. We were living at the bottom of a huge crater, and the sky far up above was the only element we shared with the other people on the face of the earth. All this was in his verse-grayness, fog, gloom, and death. Still his was not a poetry of grievance but of icy stoicism. The poems of this entire generation lacked faith. Their fundamental motif was a call to arms and a vision of death. Unlike young poets of other epochs, they did not see death as a romantic theme but as a real presence. Almost all these young writers of Warsaw died before the end of the War either at the hands of the Gestapo or in battle. None of them, however, questioned the meaning of sacrifice to the same degree as did he. "There will remain after us only scrap-iron and the hollow, jeering laughter of generations," he wrote in one of his verses.
His poetry had in it none of that affirmation of the world that is present in the sympathy with which the artist portrays, for example, an apple or a tree. What his verse disclosed was a profoundly disturbed equilibrium. One can divine a great deal from a work of art, e.g. that the world of Bach or of Breughel was ordered, arranged hierarchically. Modem art reflects the disequilibrium of modem society in that it so often springs from a blind passion vainly seeking to sate itself in form, color, or sound. An artist can contemplate sensual beauty only when he loves all that surrounds him on earth. But if all he feels is loathing at the discrepancy between what he would wish the world to be and what it is in reality, then he is incapable of standing still and beholding. He is ashamed of reflexes of love; he is condemned to perpetual motion, to a restless sketching of discontinued, broken observations of nature. Like a sleepwalker, he loses his balance as soon as he stops moving. Beta's poems were whirlpools of fog, saved from complete chaos only by the dry rhythm of his hexameters. This character of his poetry must be attributed at least in part to the fact that he belonged to an ill-fated generation in an ill-fated nation, but he had thousands of brothers in all the countries of Europe, all of them passionate and deceived.
Unlike his comrades who acted out of loyalty to their fatherland, on Christian or vague metaphysical grounds, he needed a rational basis for action. When the Gestapo arrested him in 1943, it was rumored in our city that he was taken as the result of an "accident" to one of the left-wing groups. If life in Warsaw was little reminiscent of paradise, then Beta now found himself in the lower circle of hell: the "concentration universe." In what was then the normal order of events, he spent several months in jail before being shipped off to Auschwitz. Incredibly, he managed to survive there for two years. When the Red Army drew near, he and the other prisoners were transported to Dachau, and there they were eventually set free by the Americans. We learned of all this only after the War, when he published a volume of stories recounting his experiences."
[...]
"I have read many books about concentration camps, but not one of them is as terrifying as his stories because he never moralizes, he relates. A special social hierarchy comes into being in a "concentration universe." At the top stand the camp authorities; after them come prisoners trusted by the administration; next come the prisoners clever enough to find means of getting sufficient food to keep up their strength. At the bottom stand the weak and clumsy, who daily tumble lower as their undernourished organisms fail to bear up under the work. In the end they die, either in the gas chamber or from an injection of phenol. Obviously this hierarchy does not include the masses of people killed immediately upon their arrival, i.e. the Jews, except for those who were single and especially fit for work. In his stories, Beta clearly defines his social position. He belonged to the caste of clever and healthy prisoners, and he brags about his cunning and agility. Life in a concentration camp requires constant alertness; every moment can decide one's life or death. In order to react appropriately at all times, one must know where danger lies and how to escape it: sometimes by blind obedience, sometimes by calculated negligence, sometimes by blackmail or bribery.
[...]
"In the abundant literature of atrocity of the twentieth century, one rarely finds an account written from the point of view of an accessory to the crime. Authors are usually ashamed of this role. But collaboration is an empty word as applied to a concentration camp. The machine is impersonal; responsibility shifts from those who carry out orders to those higher, always higher. Beta's stories about the "transport" should, I believe, be included in all anthologies of literature dealing with the lot of man in totalitarian society, if ever such anthologies are compiled."
[...]
"Beta is a nihilist in his stories, but by that I do not mean that he is amoral. On the contrary, his nihilism results from an ethical passion, from disappointed love of the world and of humanity. He wants to go the limit in describing what he saw; he wants to depict with complete accuracy a world in which there is no longer any place for indignation. The human species is naked in his stories, stripped of those tendencies toward good which last only so long as the habit of civilization lasts. But the habit of civilization is fragile; a sudden change in circumstances, and humanity reverts to its primeval savagery. How deluded are those respectable citizens who, striding along the streets of English or American cities, consider themselves men of virtue and goodness!
Of course, it is easy to condemn a woman who would abandon her child in order to save her own life. This is a monstrous act. Yet a woman who, while reading on her comfortable sofa, judges her unfortunate sister should pause to consider whether fear would not be stronger than love within her, if she too were faced with horror. Perhaps it would, perhaps not -- who can foretell?
But the "concentration universe" also contained many human beings who spurred themselves to the noblest acts, who died to protect others. None of them figure in Beta's stories. His attention is fixed not on man -- man is simply an animal that wants to live -but on "concentration society." Prisoners are ruled by a special ethic: it is permissible to harm others, provided they harm you first. Beyond this unwritten contract, every man saves himself as best he can. We would search in vain for pictures of human solidarity in Beta's book. The truth about his behavior in Auschwitz, according to his fellow-prisoners, is utterly different from what his stories would lead one to suppose; he acted heroically, and was a model of comradeship. But he wants to be tough; and he does not spare himself in his desire to observe soberly and impartially. He is afraid of lies; and it would be a lie to present himself as an observer who judged, when in reality he, though striving to preserve his integrity, felt subjected to all the laws of degradation. As narrator, he endows himself with the qualities which pass as assets in a concentration camp: cleverness and enterprise. Thanks to the element of "class" war between the weak and the strong, wherein he did not deviate from the truth, his stories are extraordinarily brutal."
Here, you can keep reading the rest of his story, including what I left out in the beginning.
I first heard this story being told by another man, through his voice. These were not words on a screen, they had come alive. He was a Polish man. He understood the horror.
"I have no way of knowing the inner-workings of his mind."
I appreciate Mello's honesty.
Yet...
"How deeply do I grasp my own mind?"
....of my own choice?
Is it in Action? Is it in Theory?
Perhaps both, in some ways.
youtube
I'll end with some commentary on the 45th passage of the Tao te Ching.
2 notes
·
View notes
Note
"if we don't like it, we make it gay" that isn't the point, though. so many other people have said this more eloquently than i can, but you can't claim "death to the author" when the author is alive and actively lobbying for the genocide of trans people in the uk and influencing (and funding, iirc) republican politicians in the states to do the same thing. if you say "fuck terfs" but then continue to engage with the franchise and ignore the multitudes of jewish and lgbt+ people telling you the reasons why you shouldn't, the reasons why this franchise is literally killing us, your trans and jewish friends/followers are going to be cautious of you. *i'm* cautious of you, now. you're not only supporting a terf by giving her engagement, but jkr is a fascist. i can't assume your response to this, and this isn't sent out of malice, but i hope you can ask yourself if a book series and nostalgia are more important than the real people being affected by the political career of its creator.
I'm going to answer this as best as possible, but please be mindful that English isn't my first language, so I might not be as eloquent or exhaustive as I could've been in my native language.
Leaving this premise aside, I say this with no malice nor desire to sound bitter/defensive: please take a step back and stop assuming stuff about me.
I don't even know where half of the things you said come from, I genuinely thought you sent this ask to the wrong person until I read the "fuck terfs" part.
"continue to engage with the franchise" how am I doing this? I have 1 word associated with it, that's it. Do you see me promoting the books or the movies? do I reblog stuff about the franchise? Do I go around showing anything related to this? I've stopped giving money to that author the moment I found out what she stands for.
I have one post related to the franchise before I knew how big of a deal it was to make fan-related content (I thought it was okay to still go on with stuff she doesn't get money from), which I decided to not continue writing it the moment I understood it might've been hurtful to someone.
You also assume I don't listen to fellow friends/followers. The thing is, you don't know me, this is Tumblr, I do not show everything about me in my blog. I have lgbtq sources I go to inform myself on how to approach topics that interest the community but not me personally because I wanna be supportive. You also have to understand that I get my information mainly from Italian resources and the approach on the topic might be different. This is not me speaking for the Italian trans community, obviously, but they seem to not really care if you engage with fanmade content, while I see in the "internet world" trans creators who don't accept fanmade as well and some do. I simply don't know where I stand but in the meantime, I'm not engaging even with fanmade stuff just to be safe.
All of this to say, I have no problem admitting that I don't know what I should do about fan-made related content because I tried to understand but with the mixed up opinions I simply don't know. Me not knowing translates to me engaging with any content until I understand better.
I'm trying really hard to not see malice in your words to be honest, since you've been assuming so much stuff about me. Everything else you touched upon it doesn't apply to me (like having nostalgia about the books, I never once said anything like that).
All of this being said, I am sorry to know that people are cautious about me. I hope you can understand that this blog is supposed to be a happy place to talk about Stranger Things and have a nice break from chaotic everyday life and I'm really saddened to know that it isn't as lighthearted as I thought.
To the people who were disappointed/had hard feelings after reading my bio, I am sorry. I mean it, I would never write something anywhere with the intention of hurting everyone.
To anyone who reads this, I hope you don't see me in a bad light after what this anon wrote and my response, I'm trying to handle this situation the best I can and be mindful of everyone's feelings. I am far from perfect but I am trying.
(I'm leaving the bio as it is if people wanna check it out after reading this but I'm going to change it after a little while.)
16 notes
·
View notes
Text
Author Update!
Hey y'all! Here's the author update. Just posted Chapter 58, I'm so excited since the next chapter will be incredibly challenging for me to write. I hope you guys are excited as I am.
I'm... actually gonna put the update this time under a cut, cause it's A Wee Bit More Serious than normal, lmao.
The TL;DR: this boy can fit a whole lot of trauma in him, and he's kinda tired of it. It's been an incredibly hard month, but I'm also looking at the amount of growth I've done and I'm proud.
Thanks for reading, folks!!
(Big ol' trauma dump below the cut!)
OOOOKAY so like. Yikes!
I got called out by someone I look up to basically telling me I needed to shape up, and while they weren't WRONG, it really fucking hurt. As in, I got so incredibly triggered that I cried for about 48 hours straight.
This also led to me and a friend of mine having a really big falling out, and while it got resolved, oof it was exhausting.
At the end of those 48 hours, I had to deal with a situation in a server I moderate for where someone made some incredibly serious allegations about another server member.
The allegations turned out to be false, so we did not ban the server member who was accused -- which led to a callout post being written about me and the server, with false allegations about me that were incredibly triggering.
:) This was all right before a very nauseating 14 hour car ride :) Definitely did not fuck up my brain :) Definitely did not cause me to maybe split again :) Oops
My vacation to see my partner's extended family went really well at least? They're really awesome and good family. But I spent all of my free time working on a (currently around 50 page) document detailing all of the bullshit that happened with the allegations. Yes. It was that many pages. That's about a fourth of the bullshit.
Remember how I was on vacation? Well. I lied to my parents about my location. And they found out. And one thing led to another, I called them, they screamed at me, and... I broke my phone. I've made the decision to cut them off, because I just... can't handle this anymore.
Anyways. Cut to the present. I still haven't told them, but they figured as much since they can't reach me through my old number. My mom keeps emailing my workplace trying to contact me. I haven't been able to read them yet. My therapist is helping me compose a letter to my parents and my sister to let them know. My partner and my friends and family-by-association has been really supportive and caring, and it's a lot. Not to mention, school has started again, so now I'm back to being overworked and underpaid (and... actively dealing with some severe harassment from a homophobic student each day at the moment... ugh)
It's been an incredibly fucking hard month. The way I have to look at it, though, is that I am incredibly strong and I have grown so damn much. I have a lot going on, and normally, this would be enough to make me completely self destruct.
But (with the help of friends and my chosen family alike), I managed to help clean the living room. Today I did some dishes. I am ROCKING teaching. And... I'm desperately, hopelessly in love with my fiance, and feel safer than I ever have before.
I've always hated the phrase "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" because of what I've been through. But right now, I'm feeling very strongly a variation of the phrase: "what you survive influences who you are; processing that makes you stronger." I feel like I've grown a lot in the past year alone, and it's only going to get better.
So... yeah! There's a huge big long trauma dump. I'm so so sorry lol I just... I want you guys to know about the person behind the T_T profile picture. It feels good to be seen. <3
#author update#Aaaa I"m not sure how to end all that#Thanks for reading if you did#And caring about your SugarPink Author
3 notes
·
View notes
Note
Hello! I have been LOSING it over your cyberpunk fic - it's some of the best and most exciting science fiction writing I've read in a long time. I was wondering if you might share some of your influences for the fic? I would really love to read them! I saw you mention Snow Crash in the author's notes and it piqued my interest re: re: what else you're drawing from, canonical, fanfictional, or contemporary.
ok firstly, hi!!!! and holy shit that's so nice of you, what an unbelievable compliment for what I still halfway think of as robot-fucking porn that got out of hand. i'm so glad you're enjoying it!! here's my far-from-exhaustive yet still really long and rambling list of Media In This Genre I Enjoy:
Obviously, Neal Stephenson's Snow Crash and its loose sequel, The Diamond Age. Both describe a plausible near-future of improved technology, deepening economic stratification, and a society crumpling under the weight of looming collapse. That makes them sound like Any Other Sci-Fi Novel but I assure you, they are a delicious and sensitive read. (The Diamond Age is one of my all-time favorite novels: expansive yet tight worldbuilding, plot that never plods despite crossing multiple years and POVs, and the one trope that cannot fail to make me weak in the knees, Unrelated Adult Unexpectedly Becomes Parent Figure To Endangered Small Child Out Of Sheer Necessity. the nell & miranda storyline makes me cry just thinking about it.)
Michael Moorcock's An Alien Heat is short and weird, about a "perfected" future version of humanity that has absolutely every element of existence (resources, laws of physics, brain chemicals, reproduction) under such tight control that there's nothing left to do except play make-believe all day, every day. so basically, jin sect. Then a time-traveling Victorian housewife gets stranded among the decadents. It's hilarious and surprisingly subtle.
As far as movies go, it feels obnoxious to say Blade Runner, so instead I'm saying Blade Runner 2049! (or as my roommate liked to call it, Blaze Runner 420.) The original is a classic for a reason but parts of it really don't hold up for me; the sequel, though, has pretty much everything I like, and the stuff I don't like is easier to ignore or skip. I love how dirty it makes the future look.
The Fifth Element has super immersive set design/dressing and my favorite costume design from any movie ever. the whole Born Sexy Yesterday thing is a bit much to get past but i still like to watch it for the worldbuilding, which is plentiful. (my roommate: "what dumbass let her google War right before the apocalypse? Just let chris tucker go down on her for 20 minutes problem solved")
I've also been looking at a lot of Richard M. Powers illustrations and like, chewing my hair over how good they are and how much I wish I could paint like that. I do try I think I'm just too much of a tightass lol
As far as MDZS fic recs:
Not Afraid To Know, by Phnelt, is a bouncy one-off about robot LWJ and his first, ahem, experience with a cute backalley technician who teaches him how to feeeel. It's funny, it's hot, and it sparkles with Phnelt's customary wit & charm.
electric heart by sundiscus has been at 3/? since 2020 and probably won't update again, but I still reread it for the incredible worldbuilding and character design. especially love the way the curtain is gradually lifted on WWX's personhood. LWJ's crush keeps pace, obviously.
also the sexy/violent neon noir short series Inside the Mind of a Man is a Massacre by Pip (Moirail). Especially the two one-offs focusing on (droid? Bionic part-human?) WWX and his (handler? coder? lover?) LWJ. Ooh, and when I just went to grab that link off their page I saw they have a new WIP in a similar setting, world.runExecution(), which is 2 chapters in and really exciting so far.
there are almost certainly more that i've read and loved and lost. please feel free to add on with more recs! and thanks for the ask i love talking about this stuff i hope i get some recs back!!
11 notes
·
View notes
Note
How do you get to know your characters’ “voices”? Do you have any traditions or processes that you often do you sort of get to know them?
Super interesting question, thanks! :)
Note: While I certainly hope this can be helpful to others, these are the techniques that I personally find helpful. Depending on your creative process, these may or may not work for you!
I use different tools to develop my central characters and their narrative voices:
A process I like to call "marination" (lol)
Character profiles/brainstorming
Character portraits (ymmv, but I cannot overstate how helpful these are for me personally)
First drafts
Marination
A key part of my creative process (for both novels and shorter works that aren't connected to any of my existing projects) that I'd consider pretty unusual, in that I absolutely swear by it but haven't personally met anyone else who does it, is that I will not develop a project unless the central idea has been in my head, not written down, for at least six months. I was so attached to my first novel (the one I'm currently preparing to query) that I was genuinely concerned I would lose my love of writing after I finished it because I was convinced that no other story idea would ever consume me to that extent again (I say this with love, but young writers are dramatic as fuck). Sure enough, after I finished it, the first and only story idea I was able to stick with to produce a finished first draft was one that had been in my head and wouldn't leave me alone for about a year before I started writing it. I basically was trying so hard not to write the damn thing, but it wouldn't leave me alone. Ever since then, this has been my golden rule. If it still hasn't left me alone after six months, it's probably not going to, meaning it's going to stick around even if I lose motivation here and there (case in point: I shelved The Dotted Line for nine years before I started drafting again).
During this initial 6+ month period, all I do is think and daydream about the story, which sometimes includes making playlists and/or moodboards. I don't write anything down. My creative process is super subconscious, so a lot of the "bones" of the story tend to develop in this stage. This also tends to be where I get a general feel for my central cast, especially protagonists and narrators. I usually come out of this with a good-ish sense of their basic appearance, characteristics, and personality, if nothing else. Sometimes story goals and motivations, but not always. For me, individual characters usually come to me first as people. I fit them into specific narrative roles, typologies (I'm primarily a crime writer), and/or relationships based on that.
Character profiles/brainstorming
I feel like this is the most common technique people use to establish basics about a character initially. The most common format for a profile is listing details about appearance, personality, likes/dislikes, special traits, etc. You can use them to determine/decide on specific things about their character that will influence their voice as a narrator, such as (definitely not an exhaustive list):
Where they're from (accent, speech patterns)
When they were born/their generation (can influence speech patterns and core beliefs)
Their background/family history/how they were raised (will influence their worldview and probably how they speak/view themselves as well)
Their worldview (determines their internal logic and thought patterns)
Are they neurodivergent in some way?
Have they experienced significant trauma that would change or inform their views of themself or the world?
Do they have catchphrases or other verbal idiosyncrasies?
For me personally, I mostly use profiles for supporting characters, not narrators, because my narrators tend to be characters that have already come to me on their own prior to me starting work on the story. But, there are exceptions to this, in which case profiles are super useful. I've also used profiles as one of several tools to flesh out existing narrators (usually for second drafts and up).
Character portraits
I also refer to these as "monologues," but I think "character portrait" is the most commonly accepted term (correct me if I'm wrong). These are basically short, slice-of-life or stream-of-consciousness pieces, separate from the narrative of the story, that I write from a specific character's perspective in order to get a better handle on things like their narrative voice, how they would realistically react to a specific situation, developing their dialogue or relationship with another character, etc. Some people also use prompts for portraits, which I think can be a really good idea if you're having trouble starting or deciding what the character is going to ramble about. These especially work wonders for me when it comes to narrators that I know need to have a very different voice from a narrator I've been writing for a long time (eg. I did a ton of monologues prior to starting The Dotted Line's draft, because I was used to Gabriel's voice and TDL's protagonist has a mindset and voice that differ from Gabriel's in some very fundamental ways). Again, ymmv - portraits probably work well for me because my creative process is very subconscious. If your process is more fundamentally pragmatic, other techniques, like profiles, might work much better.
First drafts
There's no diplomatic way I can say this: my first drafts are messy, disjointed piles of absolute word vomit that deserve to be thrown into a fire pit asap. Like, they genuinely make zero sense. The second drafts of my projects, let alone their manuscript versions, usually bear about as much resemblance to their first drafts as I do to the primordial sludge. My first drafts are not fit for human eyeball consumption. But I'll tell you what they do: their damn job.
I strongly believe in and, as a writer, live by the idea that a first draft's only purpose is to exist. I don't expect my first drafts to be understandable to anyone else. I barely expect them to be understandable to me. Their sole purpose is for me to be able to get the basic story down on paper so I can go back in and tweak it to death until it somewhat resembles the story in my head.
Because I have near-zero expectations for my first drafts other than them just being words that exist on a page, one of the things I use them for is, precisely, to experiment with my narrator's voice. During the first draft, the narrative voice is therefore usually very inconsistent, because I'm trying out different things to see what style, techniques, speech patterns, idiosyncrasies, etc. fit for that character. I'll note that some of this is particularly relevant for first person narration. For my stories told in third person close or omniscient, speech patterns and character idiosyncrasies typically matter less to me than establishing consistency for the perspective character's internal dialogue/logic (which also matters a lot for first person narration). Takeaway point: the character voice that people actually end up reading (almost always in a manuscript version of the story) is a very practiced version of that voice that I made specific decisions for after a lot of trial and error in the drafts.
tl;dr: I use some specific techniques to develop my characters' voices, but for me, what it really comes down to is time and practice!
6 notes
·
View notes
Last Seen Blogs
madocallie
moved to madocactus
dodiaska
fill u with joy
aialexatrooper
Ig: AialeXa_trooper
adonishoneyworks-blog
Adonis Honeworks