#theory hes just a fucking liar and does stupid shit like this all the time and just doesnt show us (/joking)
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kaido and nendo casually watching saiki freak out over his crush and barely reacting or caring about why is so funny to me
#now the question is why do they barely react#as far as we know they never see him like this lmfao#theory hes just a fucking liar and does stupid shit like this all the time and just doesnt show us (/joking)#i'll never get over this nonreaction#more likely reason is just because nobody can fucking decipher his emotions LMAO#thats partly canon for their other classmates (that hes the quiet kid who nobody can tell what hes thinking)#so it makes sense that even his friends would be like ok idk i dont get it#i think later in the manga when they know him a bit better his friends can decipher his emotions a little better#so theyd probably react a little more lol#saiki k#tdlosk#the disastrous life of saiki k.#saiki kusuo#nendo riki#kaido shun#meows post
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Second chances
Let's get this out of the way. Throughout this post, I will not name one certain individual, not because she has done anything wrong, but to make ego searching this post a lot harder for her. This also means that this post will not be easily found. The thing is, I don't really even need to mention her to make a point, as her situation isn't a big part of it, it only serves as the backdrop. So I will neither name her previous life nor her current.
Second, I'm not gonna shit on Nijisanji EN. Too many have already done that before, and it's getting a bit tiring. Plus, again, it doesn't serve the point I am trying to make, however, it does serve as a backdrop.
So, basically, to keep it short, recently a certain person had been terminated in a pretty fricken dumb way which I'm not going to get into, which involves them self-exposing their own incompetence. This termination also came after the person who was terminated made two attempts on her own life, fortunately she's still with us.
But that's not the point of this story. Recently, three of the talents have released a not really smart video, basically digging themselves deeper into a hole, if I may so personally, those being Elira Pendora, Vox Akuma and Ike Eveland. Now there are theories going around, but let's keep it as a fact, they were used as spokespeople, either against their will or otherwise, we don't know. We'll get back to the three.
Now, out of all of this mess, one thing was clear. Zaion LanZa, also known in her current life as Sayu Syncronisity, was right. After her termination a month after debuting at Nijisanji as Zaion, she was terminated, and she wrote a scathing expose about how her experience at Nijisanji was, and spoilers, it wasn't great, and later, it turned out a lot of it lined up with what the most recent terminated member experienced.
The thing is, at the time, she was mostly ignored. Not by everybody, but by too many, in my opinion, mainly because she was only there for a month. I know, I was there when it all happened. People either ignored her, or just said that she was salty or straight up called her a liar. Her reputation as Sayu therefore tanked, and it was only after a week after the most recent termination that people slowly began believing her completely.
The thing is, her reputation only improved almost a year after it happened, and from what I understand, her offenses weren't even that severe. People called it mistakes, yes, but not bad enough to warrant a termination. But okay, maybe Nijisanji didn't think she fit into the Nijisanji ecosphere, so she was let go. I'm not going to go into how she got terminated, that's a whole different can of worms, all I'm going to say is, she got terminated, and her reputation didn't exactly recover.
But, and excuse me for repeating the same phrase but, here's the thing. After almost a year, people should have forgiven her. She had already apologized, I'm not sure if she's done it multiple times, but she did at least once. She had admitted she made mistakes.
I'm a firm believer of second chances, everybody deserves one. Now, I do have to say, people don't deserve second chances from everyone, depending on how bad the offense was, but, look. If we can forgive James Gunn for his tweets he made when he was dumb and stupid, we should be able to forgive Sayu for the dumb shit she said, right?
It's as if people don't actually believe in second chances. Now, I'm gonna be honest, I'm not really willing to give Nux Taku a second chance, not after he did Coco's graduation notice dirty, essentially acting like a rrat. But that's my personal issue, I've been betrayed too many times in my life, taken advantage of too many people that my flight response gets triggered quite easily. Fuck, it's why I stopped associating myself with the Steven Universe fandom, despite me still liking the series. It's not that they're inherently bad or that I think they're bad, it's that they're bad for my mental health, which is why I distance myself from them.
And if you ask me what my opinion is of Charlie (penguinz0) or Asmongold, I don't talk about them at all. They just give me too much of an I-don't-trust-them vibe. Not that they're untrustworthy, but I just don't want to burn my fingers on them.
The thing is, yes, the SA jokes were in bad taste, I agree. However, it just feels like people were looking for an excuse to hate on her. And now that all this shit with Nijisanji EN is going on, she's suddenly being hailed as someone who was right all along. It just doesn't sit well with me.
The thing is, we all want second chances, but we don't all want to give them. I personally believe that everybody deserve second chances. Not just one, but many. People continue to make mistakes in their lives, and yes, if it's better for your own mental health, you can decide not to give that person another chance. Maybe there are some people who just don't deserve second chances because they never take them, they never learn from them. As cynical as I am in life, I still believe people can change, either for the worse or the better.
Which brings us to Elira, Vox and Ike. No matter whether they're guilty of whatever people accuse them of or not, their reputation is toast. In the short term, they won't be able to recover it. However, let's look at another case.
Mikeneko. Amemiya Nazuna. Yes, even Uruha Rushia. Her reputation has sunk to the bottom of the ocean. However, I don't think it'll remain that way. In time, there will be people who will give her a second chance. Remember, it's forgive, not forget. People may forgive her, but they won't forget. Honestly, I've decided to stay away from that drama, as I really do not care about it, but I do believe she can, in time, recover her reputation.
I mean, fuck, if Logan Paul can come back from that Aokigahara controversy, as much as I still think there should have been more repercussions from it, anyone can.
So, as a closing thought. Elira. Vox. Ike. Your reputations are pretty much toast, at least at Nijisanji EN, but possibly also in your PLs as well. However, it's not unsalvageable, it never is. As long as you're willing to change, as long as you're willing to better yourselves, as long as you want all of that, you can come back on top.
Tanking your reputation isn't the end of it all. You'll probably have to start over from scratch, and you'll most likely never going to go back to the reputation you had before. But it's not the end. Just live and learn.
But I do think Nijisanji EN is practically done.
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For the ask game, I checked the second-most-tagged character in your archive... Kazui? 8, 11, 12, 13.
I didnt realize he was second-most tagged! He's my qpr's fav so Im not really surprised....
8. what is your theory for their crime? if there is general consensus on it in the fandom, do you have any other, not-so-widely-accepted thoughts on it?
I think I Generally have similar thoughts on him as the rest of his crime as the rest of the fandom does (it was suicide not murder) Uh...honestly I worry my answers for these arent too interesting since I dont Tend to think too much about the crime itself ha...I do think that its possible that Kazui did Much Worse than we are willing to believe or accept. A friend of mine watched Cat and Immediately caught onto how creepy it feels which I agree with honestly since that was my other thought when I was watching it.
I feel like people get a bit defensive when the idea of Kazui being Worse gets brought up but admittedly a lot of times when people bring it up they go "I cant believe people are so Stupid" which is just mean.
I'm personally more fond of the interpretations where Kazui is some flavor of Queer and the shitty he did was lying to his wife. Since that Is a Really Shit thing to do already and I think it's more interesting thematically and story wise. Plus it makes his normalcy and repression parallels with Amane more fun I think.
However I don't think that means that possibility for Kazui being Worse should be Dismissed outright. Just because Kazui is regretful and self-hating and genuinely kind and understanding does not eliminate that possibility and what not.
It also doesn't mean he Can't be Queer....so like....I dunno. I'm just trying to say that I don't Mind him being a worse person than we would like to believe.
11. what are your favorite points about their story and the narrative surrounding them?
(I DID NOT REALIZE TILL AFTER I WROTE ALL OF THIS THAT I ANSWERED THIS BEFORE WHOOPS! YOU CAN READ IT ALONGSIDE THIS I TALK ABOUT SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT THINGS)
GIVE! ME! THOSE! FEELINGS! OF! REPRESSION!!!!!!!!!!!! He is so fucking repressed and is trying so damn hard to be normal and the Ideal Husband and it gets to me. It's something I find so interesting about Kazui. He's a big liar but that's because he's repressed as all hell. He believes he was Born Wrong somehow. Born different.
It's another reason why I really like Queer Kazui interpretations. I think those feelings of having to "be a man" and live up to "manly ideals" and being the Most Normalest Normal Man Ever works really well with that depiction of him.
Kazui is trying to fit the societal standard of normal and is really jaded about it as a result. The idea of Ideal Het Love is just something he's selling to people. The concept of being the Ideal Man is an ad. That one interrogation where he says marriage is good for your social status. He's trying to keep up with society's standards in a world that feels hostile to someone like Him.
Sure he could Try to be himself, but that means inviting so much hate and pain and even possibly risking his life. Leaving the comfortable world of normalcy means Being In Danger.
And he's repressed his feelings for his entire life. It's second nature to him.
How can he pull apart who he is from the lies? Is there even a difference? Is he doomed to lie forever and ever? He certainly doesn't know. There's a sense of stagnation and stillness in a way. A sense of being stuck in place Forever.
All he knows for certain is that Something is Wrong With Him. And that Something is what Killed Hinako. The dream he has is something that is unachievable, as it should be.
(Sorry but these are Really Appropriate WKTD scenes)
12 has already been answered here!
13. any ideas on what would they and their MV be like if they got a different verdict in T1?
Well ignoring the obvious "oh shit if Kazui was guilty Mahiru might of straight up fucking died, same with Amane actually since Presumably Kazui and Mikoto stopping Kotoko is what prevented her from being attacked" I think Kazui might just be kinda resigned to it, he's really like that i think. Kazui is someone Incredibly Resigned to Bad Situations, he doesn't really make much effort to fix them because he doesn't think they Can be fixed. And if he Tried it would just get worse.
He tried to bare his heart to Es but I guess that just didn't work out...I dunno if he would be more honest or not in his MV though...since Kazui seems to have noticed now that he's inno that even his Lies get into the machine. Im really not sure.
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imo hbomberguy's original video was an excellent rundown of the broader plagiarism issue, but todd in the shadows' fact check vid is really the reason im pissed at this specific guy, and gives me a bit less sympathy for people who fell for his shit tbh.
like missing the plagiarism and less like... relevant misinformation is one thing- im actually pretty sure i saw a post about the disney gay day thing go around a while back and went "huh neat" and moved on without checking, because why would i check that sort of thing, i don't care about the history of disney. and while we can collectively raise our eyebrows at people not picking up on the celluloid closet-tier theft, if you don't have any interest in more in-depth queer theory or history i does kinda track that you wouldn't know these books exist. i watch random essays as mildly informative background noise all the time; i'm not going to be able to cite any of the organic chemistry sources referenced, no matter how common knowledge it is in-field.
but holy SHIT so much of the facts he very confidently stated were such blatantly biased horseshit that they really should have pinged more radars than they did. i cannot fucking imagine listening to someone tell me that american soldiers primarily enlisted in wwii because the nazis were just so sexy and not thinking something was up there. claiming that subtlety in western movies wasn't invented until the 1960s while gushing over the homosexual subtext in disney cartoons is insulting to your audience's knowledge of their own pop culture, and also their grasp on linear time. if you thought his dig at western theater being entirely tell-don't-show held any water i have to assume you flunked english from 8th grade on, and have never seen a production in your life.
i have not watched his videos, and im not planning to, but frankly there is no amount of contextual padding that will make his commentary on asian media and culture in general less xenophobic and/or infantilizing. the kabuki/noh mixup and disregard for even reading the wikipedia article before discussing how their narratives work aside, the whole thing about the big scary chinese government padding their action movie box office numbers as propaganda exclusively designed to intimidate western audiences is 1) stupid as hell, and 2) yet another offshoot of the right-of-center sinophobia that's been circulating for the last couple five years and i really don't know why people are so willing to defend themselves by saying it isn't their fault that they uncritically swallowed his racist bullshit or accepted it as confirmation of their own biases.
i think that's actually what bothers me the most here. his entire platform was built on stealing other people's ideas and reframing them to tell his audience what they wanted to hear. and i get it! everyone wants to think they're smart and cool and know the real history behind everything, everyone wants to hear that they can continue to like the stuff they like that other people are pushing back against- attack on titan isn't really facist, disney has always been progressive, china's just as awful as you think it is- it's really easy to get suckered into that!! it sucks to hear someone you trusted is a liar, and it's embarrassing to get called out for believing something false, but some of this stuff crumbles so quickly under any measure of critical thinking that defending taking it as gospel is more of a self-own than anything else.
hopefully the current teardown has reminded everyone that people on the internet are frequently full of shit and passed out a few more tips on how to be smarter going forwards.
#real life mango#this uh. got away from me a bit.#but ive been stewing on this since the video dropped#hopefully it's coherent#minor disclaimer that im mostly vagueing shit ive seen on twitter and not as much here#(not that it doesn't exist here)#(just that im not responding to any one tumblr post specifically)
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Artist’s Muse AU
McShep | 914 words | M | AU-gust 2022
Fluff | John is a little shit
on AO3
John discovers Rodney has a secret hobby.
“Whatcha got there?”
John reaches for the small notebook Rodney has been scribbling in intently, oblivious to John’s entrance to the lab. He jolts just before John can grasp it, his face a picture of comical horror. He clutches the notebook tightly enough to his chest to crush it and pushes his rolly chair with enough force that it flies back until it smacks another console.
John grins. Whatever it is, it must be good , but even if it isn’t, he’s always up for a game of keep-away.
“Working on a new theory you don’t want anyone to see yet?”
John takes a slow, deliberate step forward. Rodney re-angles his chair and pushes it again, slamming into another console.
“Or maybe it’s a ‘Dear Diary, Radek is more brilliant than I will ever let on.‘“
Rodney’s face gets all cute (ie. annoyed and pinched). “Sure Sheppard, right beside my Rodney+John heart doodles.”
John takes another few unhurried steps and puts a hand over his heart. “Aww, Rodney, I didn’t know you cared.”
He’s out of his chair now, trying to side-step John (he’s run out of room to retreat) in a maneuver that might have worked, if John hadn’t been the one who’d taught it to him. He catches Rodney’s wrist and with a precise squeeze, Rodney yelps and drops the notebook, right into John’s waiting hands.
“Entirely unfair!” Rodney bites off, ‘annoyed and pinched’ is now turning into a glower (also cute and, yes, John is entirely aware of how far gone this makes him in the Rodney-crush department). “You’re using your military ninja powers on me. Does privacy mean nothing to you?!”
They do a little dance, of sorts, with Rodney trying to grab his journal back and John deftly keeping it just out of reach. “C’mon buddy, if it’s not a diary or a top-secret Nobel winning theory…?”
He vaults over a console, temporarily stymieing Rodney’s progress, and flips it open. Whatever John was expecting, it wasn’t this.
“Huh.”
“Huh? That’s it? Sheppard, we are too old to be doing this. It’s ridiculous. Undignified. Give it back.”
Rodney’s rounding the console, but John has vaulted neatly over another, eyes never leaving the page.
“Damn. You’re really good. Why would you hide this?”
“Give. It. Back.”
Something in Rodney’s tone makes him look up. Glowery has been replaced by a mix of genuine anger, distress and… embarrassment? He can’t see why. Sketches of slender fingers, studies of eyes, a sort of imperfect bumpy nose, full lips, ears that look elven… oh.
Shit.
Rodney uses his stunned realization to snatch it back, stuffing it under his jacket and out of reach unless John really wants to work for it. He doesn’t. He’s seen enough and Rodney’s twisted red face is twisting guilt in his gut.
“It helps me think, okay? When I’m stuck. And I’m really stuck on this stupid transporter issue and everyone is down my god damned back about it because they have to walk everywhere. Like I want to walk everywhere? Are they fucking kidding me? I’m the poster child for not wanting to walk. My sciatic nerve is telling me every day just now not happy it is about it. So I sketch. I do things with my hands. I used to play piano but we don’t have one here, so I sketch and it clears my mind and so what if I sketch you. I’m with you all the fucking time, so your features are just familiar. But no, you’ve got to make it weird. Do you know what a challenge it is to sketch your stupid hair? Have you ever—”
“Rod-ney!”
“What?!”
John waits. A solid beat. Just to be sure the ramble isn’t going to forge on.
“Do you sketch Ronon and Teyla?”
Rodney doesn’t need to answer aloud. It’s written on his face from the moment the question leaves John’s lips. Rodney’s so truthfully blunt he’s never learned how to be a good liar. He starts trying to answer, to deny, but he’s stammering now and John grins, putting a shushing finger over Rodney’s lips. He hadn’t thought Rodney could blanch harder but he has.
John steps back and cocks a hip. Rodney’s gaze snaps there, then snaps back.
“How would you like a live subject?”
“Wait— what?”
“Because your sketchbook seems to be missing some things.”
“Missing…”
“Things you aren’t so familiar with…”
John places his thumbs in his front pockets and angles his hands just so. Rodney’s eyes dart helplessly again. His face is still very red, but it’s not anger anymore.
“Right. Things…”
“Yes.” John grins. “I’d be happy to help you with those… things.”
Rodney’s eyes are meeting his again, a little frantic. “O-okay. I-I can’t believe I’m going to say this out loud, but this is so far out from where I thought my day was going, and sometimes I really misread hints. Even hints this—” His hand flaps in John’s general direction.
John laughs. The frantic babbling is cute too. Yes, very far gone.
“My cock, Rodney. Things is my cock.”
“Oh thank god.”
John tilts his head to the side, angling toward the door.
“Now?” Rodney’s voice is a little strangled and damned if that isn’t cute too.
“Yes, Rodney, now.”
He doesn’t need to be told twice. They end up in his quarters, where John models, naked, as promised. The sketch, however, day after day, remains mysteriously incomplete— no matter how many times they try.
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y’all know what? fuck it. time for headcanons
so. SO. logan, patton, and janus being the Tired Adult Friends
they are. so fucking tired
they have two brain cells that they share between the three of them in order to keep the other sides in line. patton is least often seen in possession of them, but sometimes he’ll show up with them in hand
they do “boring adult shit” for fun like go drink wine together and talk shit about the others
they’ve each had turns having to stop the other two from getting too into something and doing something monumentally stupid. janus had to stop a sleepless marathon of sherlock holmes audiobooks. patton had to disarm MANY dangerous thought experiments. logan had to prevent the great puppy heist of 2020.
the all listen to the adventure zone together. logan and janus take turns awkwardly reassuring patton when the swearing/innuendos get too much. they all get a little weepy over lucretia. patton dresses up as magnus one day and forces the other two to cosplay with him. they go as john (jan goes ALL OUT with the eye imagery) and barry (logan allegedly didn’t wanna put in the effort, but actually did some very convincing skull makeup) respectively.
they have a group chat and all silently judge each others’ texting styles
patton: check out this cool meme I saw on Facebook!
janus, looking into the camera like he’s on the office before checking out the meme he’s seen 17272818272828 times before: you’re doing amazing, sweetie; I love it
PRANK WARS!!!! but lovingly!!!
patton and logan fill janus’ room with cats. logan denies being a part of the scheme, but he was VERY excited about it. janus walks into the common room covered in cat hair and ready to murder
logan and janus bonding over art theory and shit talking famous artists
logan and janus are science buddies!! it is terrifying! do not let these two be alone together because they will Wreak Havoc!
patton: *sticks up for someone who’s hurt*
logan: 👀👀👀👀👀😳
janus: 🙄
logan walks into a room and patton starts gushing abt how happy he is to see him and janus is done with this sappy feelings bullshit so he says “wow, glad to see you too, friends of mine” and patton immediately Pouts and does puppy dog eyes and goes in for a hug
*distant explosions* *roman screaming*
logan and janus, in unison: not it
any time patton understands or references a dirty joke/swear word, janus puts a quarter in a jar. it’s half full, but nobody will ever believe him
i would say cuddle piles, but knowing these three dipshits it’s more likely that logan passed out annotating papers on the couch, patton fell asleep beside logan waiting for him to wake back up so he could say hi, and janus just flopped down on top of both of them because he honestly doesn’t give a shit anymore
they do just. the most ridiculous competitions together. patton gets a visitor’s pass to the imagination so he can whip up a wipeout course for them. logan makes them games of jeopardy. janus hosts EXCELLENT murder mystery parties
patton may be bad at most board and card games, but if you try to beat him in uno, you will face death in the face. janus finds this hilarious up until it gets turned on him
in their group chat, patton will yell at the others for being up late, in spite of the fact that he himself is also up late
okay but if you think they don’t gossip about stupid fictional crushes together then You Are Wrong
janus is just as touchy feeley as patton, but he leans more towards arms around shoulders and back claps than hugs
patton, entering the common room, hands dripping red:
janus: oh my god he finally killed somebody
logan: absolutely not. the consistency is all wrong for blood. he stuck his hands in a bucket of kool aid
patton, who’d just returned from helping dye roman’s hair: guys, could you lighten up a little?
patton and janus cry together at 3am over that one time a cornsnake curled around thomas’ arm and it was very cute.
logan and janus shit talk discrepancies in popular media, especially doctor who. patton is generally just there for the good shows and the snacks.
janus: shut up, fives. a ten is talking.
logan: we all have the same face???
god save anyone on the receiving end of the combined powers of patton’s “i’m not mad, I’m just disappointed”, logan’s “explain what exactly you think you’re doing right now”, and janus’ “why are you like this you dumbass” glares
patton makes them friendship bracelets. logan and janus both hide theirs on their person but patton knows they keep them with them at all times
patton tries to convince the entire mindscape to go as the scoobies for halloween one year. he and janus divide and conquer with the core four and the others, and together, they manage to pull it off. remus is a truly horrifying scrappy doo
logan goes through a pirate kick for a little bit and teaches the other two how to duel. patton is surprisingly good at it, and logan dies a bit inside. janus thinks all this is fucking hysterical, and appreciates it immensely
they play calvinball together once. only once.
“sincerely meeeeeeEEEEEEE” “siNCERELY MEE”
yeah don’t even get started on all the musicals they do karaoke of. logan and janus insist it was patton’s idea, which it was, but they’re filthy liars who have just as much fun as patton
janus: *turns on anaconda*
logan: *plays phantom of the opera along to it*
when they get bored they just lie on top of one another, throw wads of paper at the walls of the commons, and play word association games
they fuckin Jam Out to schoolhouse rock. don’t tell me they wouldn’t
anyways I’m back on my sanders sides bullshit, y’all. please feel free to throw some more headcanons out there
( @coconut-cluster : 👀👀👀)
#sanders sides#ts spoilers#logicality#kinda#ts deceit#ts remus#janus sanders#patton sanders#logan sanders#moceit friendship#logicality friendship#loceit friendship#platonic moceit#platonic loceit#platonic logicality#ts janus#ts patton#ts logan
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Perfect (Keefitz)
Summary: And yet... he can't shake the feeling that, if he wasn't a Vacker, if he wasn't stuck in the cage of perfection... he would love to be with Keefe.
That didn't matter. Whether he likes it or not, Fitz is in his cage of perfection, so he can't want Keefe.
He can't. Because he's perfect.
(Alternatively: 4.5K words of Keefitz angst and about 100 of Keefitz fl*ff)
Trigger warnings: Internalized homophobia, cursing
Words: 4352
(Read on AO3)
Fitz Vacker is perfect.
His friends call him Wonderboy, and that's for a reason. He knows they're making fun of him when they say it, but he can't help but feel the smallest glimmer of pride when he hears the nickname. Maybe a bit more than that. Yes, people are making fun of him for being perfect. That still means they see him as being perfect.
And that's good. That's exactly how he wants it to be.
No, he corrects himself- not how he wants it to be. How it is. People don't just see him as perfect- he is perfect. (Or so he tells himself. But is he, is he really perfect? Or is he just lying, trying to convince himself. Convince everyone else.) Wonderboy is at the top of his class. He's passable at Base Quest and actually quite good at Bramble. Even though his father doesn't approve of the hobby, his talent at baking is undeniable. Every girl at Foxfire is in agreement that he's handsome, with bronze skin, teal eyes, and a smile that makes all of them swoon.
(He doesn't care how many girls like him. He's never liked any of them.)
And Sophie. He's a key member of the Black Swan, and he's Sophie's cognate. They're cognates. And everyone expects them to be a couple.
He's supposed to love her. He can't.
They would be a perfect couple, if only he could feel what he was supposed to.
He can't.
The point is, Fitz is perfect. He's sunshine, blue skies. Flawless. Golden.
Fitz Vacker is perfect. And he can't shake the feeling that perfection is a cage.
---
Keefe Sencen is anything but perfect.
It's obvious from the very moment they meet. Keefe is too loud, too energetic, too obnoxious. He barely pays any attention in his classes and lands in detention every other day. Taking anything seriously seems to be impossible for him. Even his appearance, with messed up hair and the way he "forgets" his cape, reflect on his personality.
Alden disapproves immediately. Keefe would never be a good influence for Fitz, could get him in trouble, damage his reputation. Blah, blah, blah. He does make sense, too; Fitz is a Vacker, and he's the golden boy, so he can only be surrounded by the best. Which likely doesn't include Keefe. But after one conversation with that boy, he finds himself inviting him over to Everglen after school.
After that, they're inseparable, no matter what Alden says.
And Keefe is still far from perfect. He hides everything in jokes and spends too much time obviously crushing on Sophie. (A fact that gives Fitz a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. He isn't sure why; maybe it would be weird if two of his best friends started dating?) Keefe's mom is part of the Neverseen and the council banished him to Exillium and he makes reckless decisions.
Odds are, Keefe is a ticking time bomb, and Fitz needs to get away. That's what his brain tells him to do. Then, Keefe tells him Lord Cassius's theory on head and heart emotions, and something clicks. In his head, he wants Keefe gone. In his heart, he needs Keefe to stay.
Shit, he thinks.
Keefe is anything but perfect. He's a hurricane, a natural disaster. Flawed. Broken glass.
Keefe Sencen is anything but perfect. And Fitz cares about Keefe way to much to ever let it come between them. Shit.
---
Fitz nearly dies once, a time most people have forgotten about. He remembers it perfectly.
It's soon after he, Sophie, Dex, Biana, and... Keefe, though Fitz doesn't yet know why he has the ellipses, run away to join the Black Swan in Allavuterre. When they break into Exile to visit Prentice, and the Council comes to stop them. It's the most stupid way to nearly die, but a giant bug stabs Fitz. An arthopleura, eight feet tall and full of poison, stabs him.
And he nearly dies.
Even though he doesn't have a photographic memory, the time plays out perfectly in his mind- everything suddenly aches, he can barely breathe and the world swims before his eyes. His brain feels foggy, clouded by the poison. Through the fog, he can only think of one thing. A name, that he clings to like a lifeline.
And it should be Sophie's name. It should be Sophie's name. He's usually perfect enough to keep control of his thoughts, make sure he wants the right thing and doesn't spend too much time ever longing for the wrong thing.
In his poisoned state, that sort of control is gone, and all he can think of is what he actually wants.
Keefe.
The name echoes in his mind, over and over. When he feels himself only at his last point of consciousness, Keefe's name is still repeating, but he doesn't remember what it means.
Who's Keefe? he thinks.
A memory tickles at the back of his mind. Keefe... he... I... I think I'm in love with him.
He gives into the poison, consciousness gone.
---
When he wakes up, his head still feels foggy and slow. Keefe's name is still there, and it doesn't take long for the rest of Fitz's memories to come slotting into place. I think I'm in love with him.
Where the fuck had that thought come from?
Fitz isn't in love with Keefe. He can't be. He isn't. Fitz is the perfect Vacker, the golden boy. He's going to marry someone on his match list that his father approves of, and then he's going to further the Vacker family name and not dishonor generations of Vackers before him. He'll continue being perfect, something that can't happen if he loves Keefe. Because Keefe is so far from perfect, nothing like anyone those generations of Vackers want him to marry. He's chaotic and disobedient and, well, a boy.
If Fitz is to be perfect, he can't like Keefe.
And he will be perfect.
No, he is.
---
His friends come in, full of concerns and well wishes. Keefe comes in carrying Mr. Snuggles, and thought he's laughing at Fitz, all Fitz can think about is how cute his laugh is, how Keefe hasn't smiled in so long and he's so happy that Keefe is happy. Keefe lights up Fitz's world, and after a bug-induced realization, Fitz notices that Keefe is... well, really hot.
Don't think about that.
Eventually, the rest of his friends leave, and Livvy gives him various elixirs. Della and Biana stay behind, but eventually, Livvy and Della have to talk about something, and he's left alone with Biana.
Biana smirks. "Does Fitzy have a crush?"
His face burns. "I have no idea what you're talking about."
"Please," she scoffs. "You've been making heart eyes ever since our friends came in. Spill."
"I don't- I'm not-"
"Fitz, you're a terrible liar. Come on, just admit you like Sophie."
Sophie. Yes, he likes Sophie. Sophie is the Moonlark, the most powerful elf; just who the perfect Vacker boy should like. She's pretty, and she's a girl, and she's just as perfect as he is. They're meant to be together.
---
"Yes," he lies. "Fine. I like Sophie. I realized it after almost dying. Happy now?"
"Very."
"But don't... don't tell her." Fitz knows that Sophie has a crush on him; no matter how hard she tries to keep it a secret, it's fairly obvious. He doesn't want her thinking that he likes her, though, because then they'd have to date, and he wouldn't like her. Well, he likes her a lot, but not like that. He likes her enough to not lead her on like that.
Biana gives him a strange look. "You know she likes you, right?"
Shit. Now he has to think of a lie, and as Biana pointed out, he's not good at lying. "I'm... I don't really want a relationship right now. While we're dealing with the Neverseen and all that. I kind of just want to wait, and I'm worried Sophie will take that as I don't like her."
He feels Biana's eyes on him for a long time, but she finally nods. "Makes sense. I'm gonna go... get some sleep, Fitz."
When she leaves, he feels like he can finally exhale. He was nearly caught with a crush on Keefe Sencen, of all people. He managed to lie and divert the attention to Sophie... but that was fucking hard.
It shouldn't be hard. He should forget all about Keefe right now, before he falls in deeper, and like Sophie instead. That's what he has to do, to be perfect again.
And yet... he can't shake the feeling that, if he wasn't a Vacker, if he wasn't stuck in the cage of perfection... he would love to be with Keefe.
That didn't matter. Whether he likes it or not, Fitz is in his cage of perfection, so he can't want Keefe.
He can't. Because he's perfect.
---
As the world continues on, with a mess of Neverseen attacks and near death experiences and drama with their friends, Keefe Sencen never fucking leaves Fitz's head. His stupid smirk and stupid Hair and stupid, stupidly imperfect beauty. He's so stupidly funny and caring and brilliant, and oh, Fitz is so stupidly in love.
It's infuriating.
And yes, he's well aware it's kind of an asshole move, but ever since he recovered from the bug stabbing incident and the feelings for Keefe didn't go away, he's been avoiding him. Every second he spends with Keefe makes him fall even deeper in love. And as he falls deeper in love, he comes closer and closer to falling off his throne.
He can't risk that.
Even strained conversations are difficult. Fitz feels something he can't name, a combination of fury and frustration and love bubbling up in his chest, and he sometimes thinks he'll explode if he doesn't scream it. I'm in love with Keefe. I'm in love with Keefe.
But he can't scream it. So he'll just have to stay away.
Keefe thinks he's jealous, that he and Sophie have something going on, because he thinks Fitz likes Sophie. Fitz is jealous whenever Keefe and Sophie are together, it's true. He wishes he were jealous of Keefe. It's safer to have him believe that. Safer to stay away.
It kills him.
But he can't have both Keefe and perfection, and he's chosen perfection.
---
The perfection he wants (this isn't what he wants, he wants Keefe, he's never wanted this) comes in the form of Sophie Elizabeth Foster and a walk through Everglen. They're discussing matchmaking, dangerous territory- and then the danger becomes real, tipping Fitz into the deep end of a conversation he'd rather avoid.
Sophie starts crying. He's not an idiot; he knows why.
Because she thinks he'll never like her.
(And she's right. He can't like her. He can't like girls.)
Before he can think it through, the words are out of his mouth: "I want it to be you," he blurts. "I want it to be you. On my match list." It's not a lie. He wants her on his match list, and him to be on hers, so they can be matched, and together... and, well, married, as horrifying as that thought is. Married to Sophie. Together for eternity.
(That sounds like a nightmare. He loves her, but not like that. The mere thought of spending eternity together feels like he's already trapped. Caged within perfection.)
He wants to want Sophie like that. And that means he wants her, right?
(He wants Keefe.)
This is what he wants, he reminds himself, as he leans towards her, ready to kiss. He'd never admit it to anyone, but when they're interrupted by Silveny, he's overwhelmingly relieved.
No he isn't.
This is what he wants.
---
He's relieved again when he and Sophie break up. And terrified. She was his safety net, and now, when he falls for Keefe, nothing is going to catch him. Then, he regrets feeling any bit of relief- what kind of boyfriend does that make him?
A gay one.
That's what he is, isn't he? He's not perfect. He's gay. And he thought it would go away. It hasn't. It isn't going to. He's gay, he's gay for Keefe Sencen, and he'll never be perfect. Never be fucking perfect. Unless he pushes the feelings down until he forgets about them. Unless he never tells anyone. Unless he bites his tongue and marries a woman and does everything exactly right. Never slips up. Convinces himself, and everyone else, that he's... normal.
Not just normal.
Perfect.
Fucking perfect.
His plans to repress all Keefe-related emotions fails horribly within a few days. Keefe, the fucking idiot, manages to get himself in a coma, and now Fitz doesn't know whether he'll wake up, and dammit, even ignoring Keefe was better than this.
He just wants Keefe back, even if it'll be harder to be perfect.
---
The universe rewards him, the time he spends by Keefe's bedside whispering I'll stay away from him, I won't fall in love, I'll forget all about him, if he can stay alive works, or maybe it was just luck. Either way, Keefe is awake.
At first, he has no idea what to feel. Overwhelmingly happy, for one. It's hard to push that down.
He's your best friend. It's normal to feel happy about your best friend not dying. It's fine. This is fine. You're fine.
You're still perfect.
Then, everything spirals very quickly, and it turns out Keefe's mother- shit, Fitz hates her- has managed to ruin everything once again. Fantastic. Now Keefe is scared of himself, and if Fitz is being honest, he's a little scared... but then again, he was always scared of Keefe, wasn't he? Scared of how his laugh made Fitz feel like he'd won a million lusters and how he could be so imperfect yet so wonderful and how sometimes, Fitz thought maybe, it'd be worth it to not be perfect, as long as they could be together.
And scared of how he can't stop thinking about Keefe, so he buys flowers- fucking flowers- and goes to visit him at Elwin's house.
Elwin opens the door. He glances at Fitz, then the flowers, then Fitz again, and smiles knowingly. Fitz wants to shrink into a hole, knowing that Elwin knows- or even suspects- his secret, that he's so far from perfect. Elwin doesn't think of it as a bad thing, though. It's still terrifying. "Keefe is in his room," he says. Fitz nods, not trusting his voice, and walks up the stairs.
---
Keefe opens the door. "Elwin, I said I'd- you're not Elwin."
"Not unless something very confusing just happened, no," Fitz agrees.
"What are you doing here?"
Fitz swallows. "I came to check on you," he says. Then he holds out the flowers. "And to give you these." Keefe stares at the flowers for a long time, long enough to make Fitz extremely uneasy. Oh why did I do this, this was so stupid, Keefe thinks it's stupid, it obviously is, and now Elwin knows, or at least suspects, and maybe Keefe suspects too, and why am I such a fucking idiot? But Keefe takes the flowers eventually.
"Thanks."
The word is clipped, not particularly grateful, but Fitz lets his eyes meet Keefe's and he seems sincere. "No problem." Awkwardly, he shuffles his feet. "How are you?"
"I'm... I'm alright, I guess."
"You guess?"
"I don't really want to talk about it, if that's okay." When Fitz nods, Keefe gives a small smile. "How about you? I heard you and Foster broke up."
Truth be told, Fitz had nearly forgotten about that, which didn't bode well for his whole Yes, I definitely like girls act he was trying to do. "I'm... I think it was the right decision for us. Can I tell you a secret?" he blurts, the last sentence not planned. He hopes Keefe will say no, but of course he says yes, so Fitz swallows. "I don't think I ever liked her, really. I mean, I like her a lot. But not like that. Never like that. I've never liked a girl like that."
Instantly, Fitz regrets specifying a girl, but that was the only way to keep it truthful. Despite that, he regrets not lying as he watches Keefe connect the dots. "You like me, don't you?" Before Fitz can say anything, really even register the question, Keefe continues "It's not bad if you do. In fact, it's good, because I... I like you. A lot. Like that. So it's okay to tell me if you like me. And I promise I won't tell anyone unless you're alright with it."
Fitz nods. Almost in a whisper, he answers "I like you. I... I really like you, so much, so much it physically aches, but Keefe, I can't. You know I can't."
A look Fitz can't quite decipher comes over Keefe, a mixture of pain and anger and joy and... determination. "Tell me if you want me to stop," he whispers, before cupping Fitz's face. Even before their lips touch, Fitz knows it's so unlike the times he and Sophie almost kissed. This time, it feels exactly right.
It feels perfect.
That word, that fucking word, draws Fitz back abruptly away. "I can't," he repeats, taking a step back towards the door. Twists the doorknob. "I can't. I'm sorry, Keefe, but I can't."
Keefe nods. "I know. You have to be perfect." He doesn't sound angry; just resigned.
"I have to be perfect," Fitz agrees, and he leaves.
---
Once again, the world continues on. Keefe slowly begins trusting himself around other people again. Fitz still doesn't trust himself around Keefe. If they're too close for too long, he thinks he might just disregard everything and kiss him again. He thought it was hard before, but after he knows who fucking wonderful it is to kiss Keefe, it's nearly impossible. Keefe is like a drug, and Fitz has to do everything he can not to relapse.
So he stays away.
They fight the Neverseen a few more times. Nearly die once or twice. Elwin basically adopts Keefe. He and Sophie work to rebuild their trust as cognates, but it's hard, because now he's keeping such a big secret.
I never liked you.
I don't like girls.
I'm gay.
I like Keefe.
I kissed Keefe once.
He can't tell her any of that. Can't tell anyone. Keefe is the only person who knows, and even that is far too many people. He has to trust that Keefe won't tell anyone- though Keefe doesn't have as much to lose from it, it can't be good for him either. And Sophie... she's a really good friend, but he still... he can't. He just can't.
Even as their friendship repairs itself, they never date again. He's glad.
And disappointed.
Because he really needs a safety net, now more than ever.
---
Alden convinces him to get a match list, one without Sophie on it. One with a hundred girls, each one of them someone he can never love. Maybe he'll find one he likes well enough. And he can pretend to love her until he's convinced everyone, including himself. A new safety net.
A new mask of perfection.
He throws a Winnowing Gala then, mostly for the food. Unfortunately, he doesn't get to just eat the whole time. He has to dance with people, talk to them, hope to find some sort of spark. It never comes, of course. When he first met Keefe first, he knew that boy would be bad for him, but he couldn't stay away. Every moment talking to him felt like electricity. This is just... dull.
It's nearly torture.
Also, it's what the rest of his life is going to be like.
Fitz already knew perfection was a cage. He chose the cage instead of Keefe. Now he's living with the consequences. This was his choice, and he made his choice, but it's still... so hard. It feels like he's suffocating.
---
"I need some fresh air," he chokes out to the girl he's dancing with now. He can't even remember her name. She's nice, but nothing like Keefe. All of these girls blend together, because none of them are Keefe, and he's too focused on surviving the next few hours to concentrate on any of them.
Without waiting to here her response, he stumbles outside.
"Fitz?" a voice asks. He groans. Keefe. Why did it have to be Keefe?
"What the hell are you doing here?"
"It's nice to see you too. I came to pine as you chose a girl to marry, of course. Didn't expect you to come outside."
Fitz groans, burying his head in his hands. "Sorry to snap at you. I just..."
"You hate this. You hate this so much."
"How do you know?"
"Empath. Also, I know you," Keefe says. Fitz sighs. They fall silent for a long time, but finally, Keefe speaks again. "I still... I can't stop thinking about the kiss. It feels like forever ago, and I still sometimes feel your lips on mine like some sort of phantom. All I can do is think about kissing you again. I really want to kiss you again. I... I really want you." He takes a breath, then resumes, cutting off whatever Fitz was about to say. "But I know. You can't. I understand."
"I... it doesn't feel like I can. At all. But..." Fitz took a deep breath, gesturing at Everglen. "I can't do this either. I can't keep doing this, pretending to be perfect."
Keefe tilted his head to the side. "Fitz?"
"I'm done pretending," Fitz said, and he kissed Keefe once again.
Perfect.
---
When they finally separate, Keefe's ice blue eyes are wide, pupils dilated. "That was... incredible." He touches his fingers to his lips, never taking his eyes off Fitz. Fitz can't see himself, but he's sure he looks just as lovestruck. He's wanted this for years, and finally, finally...
"I want to tell people," Fitz says, his own voice sounding foreign to his ears. He didn't plan to say that, but repeats it. "I want to tell people about... about us."
"You know there's no going back after that," Keefe says, the beautiful smile on his face widening anyway.
Fitz nods. "I know. I don't want to go back. I told you, I'm done pretending."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm sure." He pauses. "Unless you don't want to?"
After a quick kiss that makes little fireworks go off in Fitz's head, he smiles again and says "No, I want to. Do you know what you're going to say?" Fitz shakes his head. "Just making it up as you go along. That works. Honestly, the best way to do things. Can I come in with you?" In response, Fitz takes Keefe's hand in his and squeezes it. "Great. Let's go."
With every step Fitz takes, he knows his time being perfect is running out. He's never been happier.
---
"I want to thank you all for coming tonight," Fitz says, waiting for the room to fall silent from the talking and laughing and music. While he waits, his eyes meet Keefe's. His boyfriend's. Keefe smiles, and he gives a tentative smile in return. His stomach flips with anxiety, and doubts of Do I really want to do this? start to creep back in. He briefly closes his eyes and lets the memory of the kiss wash over him, and it's the only thing to get them to go away.
Distantly, he hears a girl whisper-scream "Is he about to propose to someone?"
He clears his throat and continues. "I've really enjoyed getting to speak of all of you and get to know you. Unfortunately..." he swallows. "None of you... my perfect match. There's nothing wrong with any of you, and if I could be attracted to any of you, I would have some good options to choose from. But... I'm not attracted to girls. Any girls. At all."
Behind him, he hears his father hissing "Fitz, what are you doing?"
"Let him finish," his mom murmurs, voice low.
After letting his eyes drift back to Keefe, he takes a deep breath and blurts it out to the entire room. It's been bubbling up in him for so long, with no one knowing, and by tomorrow, everyone in the Lost Cities will know. That's terrifying. But strangely liberating. No more pretending. "I'm gay."
"Fitzroy," his father snaps, instantly. "Stop talking at once."
"No."
"Fitzroy Avery Vacker-"
"No," Fitz repeats, meeting Alden's eyes and ignoring every voice of wisdom telling him to look away. "No. I'm done pretending. And I'm done being perfect. I'm gay, and I'm in love with Keefe, and you're just going to have to fucking deal with that."
---
Without waiting for a response, he turns and walks over to Keefe, collapsing into a hug. "I'm proud of you," he hears in a whisper.
"That was terrifying," he breathes.
"I know. But it's going to be okay."
Fitz tangles his hands in Keefe's stupidly beautiful hair and meets their lips in another earth shattering kiss. "I love you."
"I love you too, Wonderboy."
Things won't ever be perfect again. Alden and Della divorce, and though neither of them says it, Fitz knows it's his fault. Keefe's father is furious, which he knows upsets Keefe even though he lives with Elwin now. Some elves are supportive, and some even come out after Fitz- including Sophie and Biana, who have apparently been dating for months- but other elves whisper about the gay Vacker boy, and how unfortunate it is for the family. The Council has been arguing for months about whether or not Fitz should be allowed to be matched with Keefe. Fighting the Neverseen is still a necessity, and they keep getting hurt.
Things won't ever be perfect again. Fitz won't be "perfect" again.
But it doesn't matter whether he's perfect. He's happy.
#simone types things#keefitz#kotlc#fitz vacker#divorce alden vacker 2021#cursing tw#internalized homophobia tw#shai's writing
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A Peace of Me
When I was younger, I had this thought about the world. I believed people were as good as me. Giving, sympathetic, respectful, you know all the things you’re supposed to be as a child that was raised in church. Welp, considering I’m writing this entry should mean that through the years in better words life kicked my ASS (excuse my French). P.s. that’s currently something I’m working on, not cursing but we’ll get more into that later. Back to the big picture, so yea life wasn’t so kind from childhood traumas to family issues to abusive ex-fiancés to legal trouble and terrible coping habits. Now, not knowing what the fuck I am or who I want to be and quite frankly, that scares the living shit out of me.
Before I get into the main reason, I started this blog I should introduce myself. My name is Shyazia Dupree but call me Shy because everyone butchers my name and unlike others yes it does bother me. I’m a 22-year-old pursuing a dream of being a as I like to call it “Beauty Guru” spreading confidence, originality, and acceptance everywhere I go. As a kid, I was fortunate enough to have a parent who was very much involved in my education and made sure I received whatever I needed to succeed. Everything was good expect one thing: I was bullied. Now if you know me, you know as a child I wasn’t ugly, didn’t have poor hygiene, well kept up and I wasn’t for a lack of a better word, stupid so I never understood why they wanted to tease one of the nicest girls in the class. My mom always had her theory, but I never paid it no mind because I thought that would be vain to believe such a thing.
But now that I’m older and truly had a taste of the world and not just people but how ruthless FEMALES can be, I believe every word she said. There are females who may be more educated, have more money, prettier, just in some sort of way possess something more than you but that doesn’t mean to be envious. Remember, “Everything that glitters ain’t Gold.”, and materialistic things aren’t everything. As I spoke earlier in the paragraph, I was raised in a church, so I don’t believe objects make us, it’s the person who you are inside that matters. For instances, you can see a man who is so gorgeous. First thing out your mouth is “Oh, the things I’d do to him… that’s my Future Baby Daddy!” But deep down he has the ugliest soul you’ve seen disrespectful to his mama, you, a cheater, a liar, manipulator… just a downright narcissist. Ladies, we’ve all had our moments, vice versa for Men too.
That’s why I decided to put my best foot forward and truly devote myself to my beauty business. It’s been in the making for a long time, I just didn’t have the motivation and dedication I needed. It took basically hitting rock bottom to realize that I’m worth more and what I’ve learned though my journey of Self-Love needs to be shared with not only Woman of all ages, shapes, sizes, and colors (I don’t care if you’re green) but guys too. As adults, we ourselves and our youth need to know that what’s being showed now with these celebrities is not everything or who you have to be to be someone. Just be you! Being educated on self-esteem and what being bullied can do to one’s mental state is the main reason I started my business. No person deserves to feel unwanted or to be treated like their nothing because we’re all someone. We just need to find them. Some of us need a little guidance/help and that’s where I come in!
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Ghost Slander
I know I’ve done this before sorta but this is the Finial List of all the shit that’s really just bad about them. the first half of each is serious bad stuff and the second half is just silly annoying shit they do. I am not apologizing for this so that’s that on that. I also still love them anyways.
Papa I: too old to do anything. he may be strong and smart, but he’s old, and tired, and gets grumpy when he’s tired. and when he’s grumpy hes a fucking asshole. he really doesn’t want to do anything, like go out for a fun day in the city, or try new things. can’t teach an old dog ne w tricks, and he doesn’t even try tricks he’s known about for forty years. He can be boring, and he can be punchy and shitty when he’s annoying (I don’t mean like punchy as in hitting, just you know when you were grumpy as a kid and you get really irritated and annoyed and kind of just wanna have a hissy fit and cant control it???? that.)
Papa II: Super emotionally unavailable and it just becomes taxing to try and get him to open up unless he’s ready and willing - which, spoiler alert, will never happen. He really does have a shitty temper and when he gets angry he sees red. Refuses to delegate tasks to other people around him because he thinks no one else can do it right. When he does, no matter what they do it’s never good enough and he makes all his interns cry and/or quit. for fun: he gets the “man flu” in which he will not take medication or go to the doctor until he literally has muscle dystrophy. thinks Advil or Tylenol is some hippy bullshit brainwashing pill invented by liberals that are trying to trick him into being happy. conspiracy theories. thinks aliens built the pyramids. watches ancient aliens in his spare time and never shuts up about it. Unable to use technology, and falls asleep in “special chair” at home.
Papa III: cant take no for an answer. he doesn't understand when someone refuses his advances because all of the girls in the clergy falling all over him his whole life has made his head a little too big. if you want major fucking ego, he’s the brother for you. if you don’t want flowers, and you don’t want random extravagant things, he’s not the brother for you, because if you tell him you don’t like the things he’ll assume you hate him and decide that you shouldn’t be together anymore. sure, it comes from a place of caring and wanting to spoil his s/o, but fuck, bro, tone it down. He’ll also talk at you for hours even if you’re not listening just because he loves the sound of his own voice. It doesn’t matter if you’re trying to do something else, or are tired, or you just don’t care, he’ll stop talking when he’s ready and only then. For fun: at a kids soccer game he would be That Dad that screams at the other kids like hes the assistant coach and probably be drunk and fist fight the other drunk dads in their lawn chairs. makes his s/o wax his back before they go to the beach or anywhere he has to be shirtless. its gross and hairy and he wouldn't care if his s/o didn’t bully his persian-rug body into it so hard one time he canceled a vacation.
Copia: He has no back bone. He’ll work until people give him what wants but he’ll never come right out and say it, in any kind of relationship or work. You’ll constantly be guessing whether or not what he said has a second meaning and if it’s really want he wants or he’s been waiting for you to figure it out the whole time. It’s fucking annoying. He’ll never be the one to put his foot down, or silence a room, or command attention like the other papa’s have, he just doesn’t have it in him. For fun: Calls his stomach his “spare tire” like what the fuck who says that?? Talks to everyone, you literally have to drag him away from talking to strangers. The person next to him at the cafe has their headphones in and he’s just chatting away. Small talk but just gets worse, and he subjects everyone to it. rides one of those bikes where you're basically lying down and doesn't shut the fuck up about how low impact it is on your back and knees. thinks the government is out to get him and everyone else but doesn't put two and two together and still has a google home thing or an alexa, buys that facebook skype camera thing for your tv that literally follows you when he walks. he just thinks their neat.
Dewdrop: Has a hot temper and genuinely gets mean when he lashes out. He doesn’t care that everyone has to chase after him all the time and has no remorse for what they have to do for him or what he ruins for them. He’s gonna do whatever he want’s whenever he wants and no one can tell him otherwise - everyone thinks this is so fun and quirky and great until it’s been a few months and they’re wondering why Dew hasn’t calmed down even a little. He’s too self obsessed to even care what other people want for him. A total mess wherever he goes, eats all the soap and candles and doesn’t replace them.
Swiss: saying someone is too good at everything doesn't sound like an insult, but it does when they brag about it. Swiss has always been the multi ghoul, meaning hes always been pretty good at everything, but never specialized in something. so rather than do more to hide the fact he’s a jack of all trades but master of none, he just brags about every tiny little thing he does. hes like 6′ but his ego is like 8′4″. Insanely jealous in relationships which can cause problems. he’s a liar. there. i said it. unless he’s your s/o, if his mouth is moving, it’s probably a lie. whether hes bigging up his own adventures, or trying to cover his tracks about where he was and who he was with, its probably all bullshit. the only reason he doesn’t lie to his partners is because he HATES being lied to in return and if he has feelings for you its a little harder to just shut you out once you realize he’s full of it. He mostly lies for fun, and partly just to see what people will really believe, so it get’s wilder and wilder every time. Refuses to do anything that’s boring to him like clean or do laundry, but he hates disgusting messes so he’ll just pay someone else to do it.
Mountain: Disgustingly messy. When I walk into a room i leave a hurricane of my shit everywhere, but if you took an actual hurricane and put it in his bedroom, you wouldn’t be able to tell the difference. No one in the whole church will go near his room, partly for the smell, partly for the fact of that there is no where to stand that isn’t a foot high with garbage and dirty clothes. If he cleaned his room i think a new disease would be unlocked. Super stubborn, and inpatient. He’s pretty chill, but refuses to wait for anything without getting super annoyed, and it’s impossible to change his mind about literally anything once it’s made up. Trying to debate him about anything is a fucking nightmare.
Aether: when you’ve been together for a while, and you’re comfortable with each other, things can get boring. he’ll stop taking you on dates every week, and stop thanking you profusely for everything you do, and stop treating you like a queen. things will get stale quickly, so unless you’re into routine, steer fucking clear or you're doomed. when he’s in a shitty mood, he will say literally anything to you to get you away from him. he just wants to be left alone and if you wont let that happen he’ll break up with you, tell you to fuck off, tell you to get away from him, tell you to go fuck yourself, whatever it takes. he doesn’t mean it, and even if he knows that deep down, you’re still causing the problem by existing, in his mind. refuses to accept that there may be a different way to do things. it’s Aether’s way or the highway and that's it. he thinks that if somethings easier, or faster than the way he does it, then it’s not being done right, and it’s fucking annoying how he wastes so much time doing stupid simple tasks because its the way he was taught and its the way he’ll do them until he dies
Rain: A baby. An actual baby. Needy and clingy and even a little bit pathetic sometimes. Here and there it can be cute and you might feel the need to nurture him, but honestly most people can’t handle it all the time but for Aether. He constantly needs attention in the exact way he wants and if he doesn’t get it he’ll whine and cry and try and make you feel like shit. Maybe it’s manipulation, maybe it’s not. Who knows. But you have to make sure he eats properly, make sure he gets dressed properly, make sure he sleeps, pretty much be a parent to him half the time. The amount of emotional labor is borderline slavery. His attitude is insane, and he’s sassy and bossy all the time as if he’s actually in control, and if you tell him otherwise he’ll scream (at the top of his lungs). Uses baby talk at an inappropriate timing and makes people uncomfortable sometimes.
Cumulus: Collects tiny little themed knick knacks that are literally everywhere and take up all the space in her and Cirrus’ little sapphic cottage. Nosey and wants to know everyone’s business all the time. The only person she tells is Cirrus but she won’t rest unless she knows every detail about a persons life and drama.
Cirrus: Leaves all the lights on wherever she goes. Leaves all the cupboards open. All the lights are on so much that it lights up the whole house all night, and people call them to tell them to either close their blinds or turn the fucking lights off.
#i love swiss so much do not misunderstand me#i love him#that's why i can say these things#im not apologizing for any of this i do not care#rosie and redacted#ghost#ghost bc#the band ghost#ghost band#papa ii#papa i#papa iii#copia#cardi c#swiss#swiss army ghoul#aether#aether ghoul#dew#dewdrop ghoul#rain#rain ghoul#mountain#mountain ghoul#cirrus#cumulus#the ghouls#ghoulettes
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@dressrosaa and anyone else unfamiliar with pretty little liars, a postmodern tone poem about girlhood and violence, an experiment in storytelling divorced from linear time about how all cops are bastards and dads are even worse, one of the most bafflingly homophobic pieces of media i have ever seen despite the fact that the showrunner for all seven seasons is literally a lesbian like GIRL are you OKAY blink twice for I NEED THERAPY:
pretty little liars tells the story of four friends: spencer hastings (deranged genius/former and future speed addict, perfect); hanna marin (blonde shoplifter/recovering bulimic, an angel we don’t deserve); emily fields (gay swimmer, has no personality but it’s hard to tell if that’s because pll is homophobic or because shay mitchell CANNOT act but is almost hot enough to make up for it); and aria montgomerry (the fucking goddamn worst i know it’s wrong to hold this much hate in my heart for a sixteen year old who spends the ENTIRE show being sexually preyed upon but in my defense it is fiction and frankly barely even that; truly the relationship between pretty little liars and our normal human understanding of narrative is tenuous at best; the point is if aria were real she would be deserving of infinite compassion but she is not so she just sucks). a year after their queen bee alison disappears, her body is found, at which point they all start getting texts from the mysterious “A,” who knows their secrets with NSA-bugging-a-therapist’s-office precision and seems to have nothing to do in life other than to torture them into constantly endangering themselves or betraying each other or doing other horrible things that will then hang over their heads for 800 years.
PLL is sort of like what if a classic dead blonde whodunit has a nightmare octopus baby with jj abrams “mystery box” storytelling spliced together with a sense of pacing even more deranged than the magicians at its most unhinged; the reason i make so many jokes about its lack of interest in physical spacetime is because it’s technically canon that two and a half entire seasons, during which among other things spencer has a nervous breakdown and an addiction relapse and goes to rehab and then gets out of rehab T W I C E, takes place between the first week of school and thanksgiving break. it is not by any means a “good” show and it’s pretty clear that any “ideas” in it were there by accident, but watching 6 seasons in a month was one of the most enthralling television experiences of my life, and it really does love to remind you that no men on earth are good (*except for hanna’s street rat hacker boyfriend caleb played by tyler blackwell whose face makes me feel extremely safe who is the most perfect dreamboat in the history of televisual dreamboats). part of its unhinged M. O. is of course keeping you constantly guessing about who “A” is, taking you through like 7000 red herring reveals (along with some real reveals later retconned as beta-A’s working for the real A - i’m telling you this shit is fucking nuts) in which we spend a couple episodes thinking (if we have never watched a television show before) that so and so must be A, only to have their nefarious behavior explained away by some other mechanism.
i’m giving this context because i am taking your inquiry about the throwaway reference i made as a chance to explain my favorite of the A fake-outs, which centers on ezra fitz. who is ezra fitz? he is a demon in human disguise. he beats out craig manning on degrassi for worst fictional boyfriend in the history of teen melodrama. he is a dude who macks on a fifteen-year-old aria montgomery at a bar the weekend before school starts and then turns out to be, surprise! HER ENGLISH TEACHER. because the show, despite being incredible and amazing and iconic, is also very bad, their relationship, which goes on and off the entire seven seasons and winds up endgame, is sold as like a torrid and angsty secret affair, and not the creepiest thing that has ever happened. despite the fact that ezra is the closest the show has to a male lead and played by the second hottest dude on it, in season 4 they were running out of A candidates and started giving us shady clues to ezra’s shadiness, discovered and mostly put together by spencer, who simultaneously was coping with the stress of trying to get into an ivy league college while also saving herself and her friends, all of whom take turns sharing one brain cell leaving her to do all the thinking, from the constant assault of a blackmailing emotional terrorist who at this point has also tried to kill them several times. one time aria winds up in a box on a train next to a dead body and also it’s halloween and adam lambert is performing on the train, god when riverdale season 1 was good i thought riverdale was like what if pretty little liars but on purpose but with the benefit of hindsight clearly PLL had what riverdale fucking WISHES it could.
in order to deal, spencer has fallen on her old pill-popping ways (for, just to reiterate, the second time after leaving a mental institution in the span of like 10 weeks), and JUST as she is on the verge of really PROVING that their english teacher is A, she suffers a stimulant-induced psychotic break i.e. gives the show their framing device for doing a Theme Episode around the theme of Film Noir, where everything is in black and white and everyone talks funny. you can watch a clip here to get the flavor. sidebar at this point alison has appeared to every single character i think and it’s like still fully a mystery whether they all individually hallucinated her at times of stress or if she’s secretly alive. once again this show owns.
anyway her friends totally freak on spencer when she tells them her theory, because she is literally the only person in town with a brain, but then we get this amazing episode where aria (a child) is at her english teacher’s cabin for the weekend and he’s acting exactly like a serial killer the entire time and she starts to have doubts and has a very tense ski lift ride with him and THEN! THEN what’s amazing is that ezra is NOT A, but in explaining why he has been acting so shady despite not being A they manage to somehow make him not ONLY worse than an english teacher who was fucking his high school student but ALSO make him POSSIBLY WORSE THAN AN ACTUAL MURDERER IMO, because it turns out that he met alison briefly before she died/fake died and then got obsessed with her death and SO he came to town and got a job at the school AND MADE OUT WITH THIS DEAD TEENAGE GIRL’S EQUALLY TEENAGE FRIEND IN THE BAR THAT DAY AND PURSUED A SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP WITH HER AS HER ENGLISH TEACHER.............................................. IN ORDER TO DO RESEARCH FOR A TRUE CRIME BOOK. LITERALLY the most incredible thing i have ever witnessed on television. it’s SO incredible and PLL is SO far from being what you could call a “normal” “story” that my love for it is not even diminished by the fact that aria eventually takes him back because this show is evil and she is stupid (again i would NOT say that of an ACTUAL child victimized by an english teacher/pathetic truman capote wannabe, but aria is made up and not around to hear about how bad she sucks and i hate her) (my god she’s so bad guys like you simply cannot watch the show and retain empathy for her it WILL break you). it does help that in between those things ezra gets his dumb ass shot. yeah for “love” or whatever but like he deserved it i’m not gonna complain.
anyway i hope that helps clarify matters. just to stress the important part, this is not in the top 10 most deranged things that happened on this show. one time A snuck into a dentist’s office and knocked hanna out with laughing glass and implanted a tiny strip of paper in her gums which when the liars extracted it later read DEAD GIRLS DON’T SMILE. another time for a fashion show they were getting dressed up and one of them realized she was wearing a corset made of human finger-bones. they all go to jail because they have been framed but then on the way to jail they get kidnapped in an underground bunker styled to look like their childhood bedroom where A makes them milgram experiment each other for three weeks. watching this show will literally change the structures of your brain. i heard it’s finally legal in oregon now.
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Naughty Neighbors pt. 2 (Elriel)
As promised, it’s in Azriel’s POV which was actually super hard for me to write for some reason. Don’t ask why it’s in first person when Elain’s isn’t. Just go with it I’m so tired.
I LOVED reading the comments on the last post they brought the biggest smile to my face so thank you all so much for the love!
Part 3
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~Azriel~
At first, I’d thought it was just attraction.
I mean, it was inevitable. She'd shown up in the middle of the night, dressed in a thin, rose-colored robe that did absolutely nothing to hide the curves underneath, smiling at me like I don’t deserve to be smiled at.
It was obvious I’d be attracted to her.
But it was also different.
Because usually, when I’m attracted to a woman, I go after her and get her out of my system the old fashioned way. But with Elain Archeron... it’s somehow more than that.
Don’t get confused, I’d be more than happy to have her under me. Or on top of me. Or trapped between me and a wall.
But I also crave her smile, her laugh. Her blush.
Fuck, I love that blush.
The woman turns red at any sort of innuendo, like she’s never been flirted with before. At least not properly.
I’m damn near addicted to it.
Which might explain why I’ve developed a routine in the week after moving into my apartment. I get up and get ready, walk with her to work, fight the temptation to go across the street and kiss her stupid, then walk with her home.
It’s only a total of ten minutes together a day, but it's enough to drive me fucking crazy.
Crazy enough to do it over and over again, just like I am right now.
I knock on the door to her shop, keeping my unspoken vow to never go in the flower-infested place.
“Hey,” she says with a grin as she comes down to meet me, locking the glass door behind her. “How was work?”
“Well, a three-hundred pound man got a tattoo of a raccoon on his back. Shit took three hours and was bigger than in real life.” She giggles, and my lips twitch at the sight. “You?”
“I sold a lot of bouquets, since it’s wedding season. Nothing special.”
We start the short walk back to our apartment complex, walking close enough that our arms occasionally brush. The feel of her soft skin on mine has me gritting my teeth, and we’re still four minutes out. Fuck.
Elain shivers slightly, and since it isn’t cold, I take it to mean I’m not the only one affected. I could be a gentleman and let the reaction go, but...
“Are you cold?”
Soft brown eyes meet mine, and there’s a bit of surprise in them. “No.”
“You sure? You shivered.”
Those eyes narrow slightly, well on to the game I’m playing. “I’m sure.”
I can’t stop the smirk from forming on my face, but she just sighs and turns straight forward again.
“Any plans for the weekend?”
I’m practically baiting her into saying she’s doing something with her boyfriend, even though I doubt that’ll be the case. I haven’t so much as seen the guy around the entire week.
If I were him-
No. We’re not going there.
“Not really, actually. I might go to the MOMA.”
It’s easy to picture her in a museum, staring adoringly at overpriced pieces of art a child could probably recreate. “Art fan?”
“Not really. My sister has an exhibit this week and wants me to come. I like her art, but she’s the exception.”
For some reason, this makes me smile. “Nothing’s good enough to impress you?”
Her eyes narrow in the cute way they always do when I tease her, and she says, “Nothing makes me feel anything. Art should make you feel something. Right?”
Is she seriously asking me that? “I don’t know. I’ve never been to a museum.”
Elain stops walking suddenly, and I turn to face her with raised brows. “Ever? You’ve never been to a museum?”
I shake my head, confused as to why she’s confused. Is that not normal?
“What about on school trips?”
Oh.
That explains it.
I turn and keep walking, knowing she’ll catch up in a second. When she does, I say, “Maybe my school was low on field trip funds or something.”
The lie tastes like dirt in my mouth, so I light a cigarette to wash it down.
She rolls her eyes like she knows I’m full of shit and keeps walking.
“You look beautiful today, Elain.”
Her cheeks go pink at the words, and the urge to punch her boyfriend grows. If a woman blushes every single time someone calls her beautiful, she probably doesn’t hear it enough.
And I know I tell her everyday, but it’s especially true today. She’s in one of her probably hundred dresses, and it’s tighter around the waist and loose around the bottom.
I think it was designed just for her.
Or maybe just to drive me insane. Either theory works.
Her hair’s down, framing the soft features I’m disgustingly obsessed with, and there’s a pink tone to her full lips. She looks like a goddamn flower.
I hate flowers, I remind myself helplessly.
We keep walking, and I’m so focused on thinking about anything except the way that pretty little dress swishes around her thighs that I don’t even realize we’re back at the complex.
I open the door for her, and she goes inside but waits before heading up the stairs.
“What are you doing?”
Her cheeks go a bit more red, even as her eyes narrow. “I’m wearing a dress. You go up first.”
“Elain Archeron,” I scold instantly, mood brightening already, “I can’t believe you’d accuse me of trying to look up your dress.”
I probably would’ve, but that’s another point entirely.
She bites her lip, and my blood starts to thrum. “I didn’t say that, actually.”
“Oh, I see. You just want to look at my ass, then.”
A laugh bubbles out of her, and I take mercy and head up the stairs, pausing once every now and then to shake my butt in her face.
“You’re a child,” she laughs, pushing my back to make me go forward again.
I’m laughing, too by the time we make it to the hallway with our apartments. But the joy falls away as we stand outside, both nervously silent. It feels like the end of a date, for some reason.
Maybe because we were laughing and smiling and flirting. Maybe.
“What’s your name?” she asks, exactly like she always does.
Fucking unable to help it, I lean in close enough our noses brush, smiling when she sucks in a breath. “You ready to pay the price?”
Every day it’s the same response. She usually shies away, rolls her eyes, and drops it, but today she surprises me. “What’s the price, exactly?”
Her voice is a little scratchy, and her legs are tense, like she’s pressing them together. For a moment, I can’t even breathe, let alone tell her. She looks so adorably naive and beautiful right now. It’s hard to focus on anything except the heaving of her chest, the lip tucked between her teeth.
Bu it’s the raw desire in her eyes that makes me finally respond. “I want you to give in. I want you to kiss me like I know you’re dying to. I want you to admit that it’s me that turns you on, me who you think about at night.”
Her breathing’s rougher now, and it ignites a fire in my blood. “I want you to tell me you want me, Elain. Because we both know you do.”
“I...”
Fucking hell, she’s going to kill me. I’m desperate to hear the words, so when I speak, it sounds like a plea. “Say it.”
But something comes over her, and the cloudiness sweeps from her eyes instantly. She takes a deep breath and places a palm against my chest to shove me away. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I have a boyfriend.”
Her favorite thing to say, apparently.
“I love him,” Elain says with strong, fake conviction. “I... I don’t want you.”
A harsh laugh forces itself out of my throat. “Beautiful little liar.”
Her cheeks go pink, and I smile in spite of the tense conversation. “I’m not lying.”
“Yes, you are, but that’s okay. I get it.” Before I can stop myself, I’m moving to tuck a strand of loose hair behind her ear. “But I’m not telling you my name until you stop.”
Before she can respond, the door behind her swings open, revealing a man instantly recognizable as the boyfriend. He’s in a disgustingly cheap suit, about 5′11 with red hair and golden brown eyes with his hair pulled back in a low bun.
I automatically want to punch him for some reason, but I deny myself the satisfaction.
“What’s going on?” he asks, glancing between me and Elain. There’s something in his voice, but it’s not suspicion. It’s surprise. Like he can’t even fathom the idea of seeing her with another man.
Fucking idiot.
A woman like her is always going to get male--and probably female--attention.
“Nothing,” Elain says instantly, taking a step towards him. “This is our neighbor. He moved in Monday.”
“Oh. Hey, man. I’m Lucien.”
I ignore his outstretched hand. “The boyfriend?”
A bit of the friendliness leaves his eyes, and he pulls Elain to him and wraps an arm around her shoulders. “The boyfriend.”
“How exciting,” I mock, sounding like a total prick. I don’t really mean to, but I can’t help it. I mean, this is the guy she’s with? Objectively, I’m man enough to admit he isn’t exactly ugly, but he sounds about as interesting as a can of beans.
He probably works a desk job. Something in finance.
And he has Elain?
It makes no sense.
Lucien The Boyfriend ignores that statement and looks down at Elain. “I missed you this week,” he mutters before pressing a quick, grossly wet kiss to her lips.
The surprise in her eyes makes it clear he’s not usually so... affectionate.
I have to cough to hide a laugh.
He’s trying to mark his territory, but if he actually looked at his girlfriend’s face, he could easily see how stupid it looked.
“Have a nice night, lovebirds,” I say sarcastically as I unlock my door, still chuckling to myself. If he kisses her like that, gods know how he fucks her.
Poor woman.
~Elain~
Well, that was uncomfortable.
And embarrassing.
The little laugh her neighbor had barely attempted to hide made her skin burn. Lucien wasn’t a bad kisser, but neither of them had really been ready for his sudden display of affection.
Plus, it’s not like the man had tried to hide his reason for kissing her. They hardly ever touched in public.
Or at home, really.
It’d been three weeks since they’d slept together, so she knew the kiss was for their audience’s benefit.
She ignored the gross feeling inside her gut and went to the kitchen to start dinner.
“That guy’s rude,” Lucien commented, sliding on a bar stool and loosening his tie. “And he looks like a drug dealer.”
The urge to roll her eyes was almost overpowering. He thinks anyone with tattoos is a drug dealer. “He’s nice.”
“So you’ve met before?”
Elain sighed, not knowing how to answer this. “Sort of. He works at the tattoo place across the street, so I bump into him some. I don’t even know his name, though.”
Why was she lying?
I bump into him?
Seriously?
She’d walked with him every day this week. And thought about him all the time.
Not to mention tonight, when she’d been a second away from finally finding out what his mouth felt like against hers, what it tasted like.
Gods, just the thought of that encounter made her sweat.
He knew exactly what he was doing to her.
And her mind knew, knew, he was dangerous and might very well be involved in all sorts of illegal activities, but her body didn’t give a single shit.
She wanted him like she’d never wanted anyone before.
But that was just attraction. What she had with Lucien, that was love. A lifelong, everlasting love. Right?
She slid the plate of reheated chicken and rice in front of her boyfriend and muttered, “I’m going to shower.”
He nodded, not even looking up.
Two hours later, they were watching a movie in bed, neither of them paying much attention to the screen. There had been a tension between them ever since the weird kissing incident.
She wasn’t mad, but it had just made her feel a little strange.
He seemed to notice it, too.
“I love you,” Lucien whispered quietly, rolling on his side to look down at her. “I know things have been weird recently, and I’m sorry. I’m just stressed at work, but I don’t need to bring that home with me. I just... I love you. You know that right?”
She nodded immediately. “I know. It’s okay. I love you, too.”
A small smile on his face, he leaned down to her and kissed her. There was no awkwardness now, thank the gods.
She thought he’d pull away like usual, but he tilted his head and took it deeper, sliding his tongue in her mouth.
Surprised, she kissed him back, wrapping her arms around his neck.
Something in the back of her mind was hatefully muttering that he was only doing this because of their neighbor, but her body didn’t really mind. It had been weeks, and just being touched made her happy.
Supporting himself on his elbows, he came over her, resting in between her thighs. A hand snuck down and tugged her robe open, then she heard his belt buckle open.
Normally she’d want to take things slower and draw it out, but she didn’t mind tonight. Her body needed him and whatever contact it could get.
A few moments of shuffling, then he pressed against her, and she gasped as he immediately started to move. Okay, maybe a little more drawing it out would have been helpful.
Her hips moved with him, trying to keep up with his increasing pace. Lucien grunted in her ear, breath hot on her neck.
It was too much too soon, and he seemed to sense that. His hand came to her breasts, and she moaned softly as he molded one to his touch.
The sound seem to affect him, and he stilled above her, then kissed her deeply.
Elain laid underneath him, heart racing, and tried not to raise an eyebrow. Or laugh. Or cry.
That was it? The first time they had sex in almost a month, and that was it?
He pulled out slowly, kissed her brow, and rolled over. Her mouth dropped open.
He wasn’t even going to make sure she finished? Because she sure as hell hadn’t. And more than that, he rolled away from her?
They didn’t always have great sex, but it was usually better than that. And he always held her afterward until she fell asleep.
She felt cheap. Used.
Definitely unsatisfied.
Now more than ever, it felt like they were fifty years old. She made him dinners and kept the apartment clean, he worked a desk job at an investment bank, they came home, barely talked, then had unremarkable sex.
She’d known for a while they were in a slump, but now it seemed like it was a permanent thing.
After waiting until he started snoring soundly, she slipped a hand between her legs, trying to relieve some of the tension.
Gods, that had been awful.
Maybe it was her fault. Maybe it was because she was so worked up from...
Her neighbor’s smirking face popped into her mind. The ache between her legs got worse, and she moaned as she slipped a finger inside herself.
Sitting up suddenly, she pushed his face out of her head. This was wrong.
She couldn’t... fantasize about another man while in the same bed as her boyfriend.
Elain threw her robe on the ground and walked to the shower, ignoring the fact that she’d already taken one tonight. She’d wash this night away and forget about it.
But he appeared in her mind again, shaking his head with a smile. That’s not possible, beautiful.
Hard to forget someone when they were mentally stalking you.
~
The next morning, Lucien was gone before she even dragged herself out of bed. She was technically late, but she didn’t even care. Perk of being her own boss.
Elain trudged around, getting ready slowly. It had been a long night. Even after her very cold shower, she hadn’t been able to clear her mind and relax.
When she opened the door, she couldn’t repress her groan. Apparently, his face was stalking him in her head and real life.
“Long night?” he asked, a small, almost victorious smile on his face.
Her eyes narrowed suspiciously at that expression. She knew him well enough to know he was trying not to laugh. “Yes.”
“Same. Noisy neighbors.”
It took a few moments, but a furious blush exploded on her face as she realized what he was talking about. She knew the walls were thin, but... “Oh, my gods.”
He’d heard!
Oh, gods.
This was really, really bad.
“Have fun?”
She glared at his annoyingly handsome face, barely resisting the urge to punch that smile away. “Yes. So much fun.”
She was, in fact, a dirty little liar.
“Mmhm, sounded like it. All three minutes of it.”
An indignant sound escaped her, and he started to laugh. She ignored how lovely the sound was and chanted, “Shut up shut up shut up.”
“Not a chance.” He glanced down at her legs. “Hey, do you need help waking there? Or are you too sore from all that terrible se-”
She slapped a hand over his mouth, and he smiled under her fingers.
“You’re such an asshole,” she told him. “I love him. And he’s a great lover.”
The asshole just raised an eyebrow.
“Usually,” she amended. “He was tired.”
Gently, he pried her hand off his face. “I could be in a coma and do better than three minutes.”
“Pretty sure that’s illegal. And beyond disturbing.”
He smiled. “We going to work?”
Elain glared. “Only if you promise not to make any more comments about my sex life.”
“I haven’t made a single one!” He protested, still smirking. “I’ve been joking about the lack of your sex life, baby girl. Keep up.”
“Oh my gods,” she growled, pushing past him and yanking her door shut.
“At first, I didn’t even know what you guys were doing,” he told her, walking easily beside her as she stormed down the stairs and started down the empty sidewalk. “I heard his weird ass grunt and thought he was working out or something.”
She rolled her eyes.
“But then I heard you moan, and I-”
“I swear I’m going to kill you.”
“Anyway, I heard the boyfriend start snoring, so I figured the debacle was over. But I heard you again.” He smirked down at her. “Wanna tell me what you were doing over there?”
From the look on his face, he knew damn well what she was doing. “You-”
“No, I know you weren’t doing me. Would’ve been a lot louder if you were.”
Her glare could’ve frozen the Sahara. “I was going to say that you are the most annoying person I’ve ever met.”
The man just smiled, more than happy with himself today. Gods, he was insufferable. “I might be annoying, but at least I last longer than your little boyfriend.”
The way he said that made her jaw clench. What was it with the men in her life being completely useless today? It pissed her off. “Oh, I seriously doubt it.”
A dark, almost promising look crept into his hazel eyes, and he leaned down to murmur, “I promise you one thing, Elain. If I had you under me, I wouldn’t stop until you were screaming my name. Maybe not even then.”
She didn’t bother pointing out she didn’t even know his name.
Then he pulled away and smiled, and she noticed they were in front of her store. “Have a nice day, gorgeous.”
She was so fucked.
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To all my Lucien stands, I don’t really believe he’s complete shit in the sack (yes, yes I do), but I’m trying to write a story here, okay?
Part 3
@astreia-oniria @whimsyrhys @lameomclameo @wineywitch202 @thedarkdemigod @captainthefangirlofhp @elriel4life @queen-of-glass @courtofjurdan @nessiantho @texas-shaped-waffle-maker @stardelia @myshadowsingeraz @tswaney17 @illyriangarbage @nicerhero @fancycrowncat @perseusannabeth @cursebreaker29 @girl-who-reads-the-books @aelinfeyreeleven945tbln @superspiritfestival @studyliketate @over300books @justgiu12 @maastrash @bamchickawowow @a-bit-of-a-cactus @aesthetics-11 @b00kworm @sleeping-and-books @musicmaam @savemesoon8 @hizqueen4life @maybekindasortaace @poisonous00
#elriel#elriel fanfiction#azriel#elain#elain archeron#acotar#acomaf#acowar#acofas#acotar fanfiction#bat boys#a court of mist and fury#a court of thorns and roses#a court of wings and ruin#a court of frost and starlight#illyrians
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Cuts & Curses II
× genre: smut, college au
× pairing: boxer!Jongho x Reader (fem.)
× word count: 7.4k
× warnings: depictions of violence, inflicted injuries, explicit language, grinding, blowjob, handjob, praising, hickeys, unprotected sex, overstimulation, explicit sex
× synopsis: Jongho didn’t need much convincing to come home with you and find himself between your legs after a long day battling off his arch-nemesis from your feelings.
→ PART ONE
☁️: please read part one (link above) to understand the references used in this fic. angry jongho is hot jongho. i don’t make the rules.
•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
As much as you wanted to desperately flick this pen lid right at the head of your professor, you just didn’t have that energy. Especially not today at least.
“... don’t forget to read the theories during the holidays!” It took more effort to fully process the class was over than to unstick your ass from the mildly uncomfortable cushion seats in the lecture theatre.
It was almost as if some of these kids didn’t know what basic manners were, not even a single mutter of a simple ‘sorry’ was heard when their legs knocked at yours. Well, it was a Christmas break now after all. No one had the time or energy to stay on campus any longer, neither did you.
You found it oddly comforting to just walk slow, letting people swift past you as they eagerly unlock their cars and link arms to go home and enjoy the most of their starting break. There wasn’t anything waiting that you needed to attend to immediately, so why not take the time strolling through the merely empty library?
It was basically another sanctuary apart from the diner and your cheap Ikea bed that was on the verge of breaking. Thank fuck there were always sales after Christmas, may as well get yourself a new bed.
“Going somewhere?” You could recognise that brooding voice even if it came from the gutter.
Jungkook’s augment frame leaned against the wet rails leading up to the double doors of the library. Gosh, you wanted to just slap that smirk off his face.
“What’s it to you?” The grip on your bag strap tightened as you barely managed to nudge his rock-hard shoulder when pushing past to the double doors.
“I’m just askin’, everyone’s gone home already. Why are you still here?” Jungkook followed you closely behind, almost feeling the warmth from his body against you.
“Because I want to? What are you doing here?” You spun around, making him stop in his tracks and shoving his hands in the pockets of his leather jacket.
“I was actually looking for you”
“Looking for me? Why? Came to brag about your win ag-”
“I was wondering if you wanted to have dinner with me?” This time it was you stopping in your tracks. Did you really just hear that come out of his own mouth?
“What?”
“Do you want to have dinner with me?” Did you mention how badly you wanted to slap that smirk off his face?
“You’re fucking kidding right?” You couldn’t help but choke a small chuckle, hoping he was just throwing words out of his mouth without meaning.
It’s absolutely unbelievable how Jungkook could just blatantly ask you to dinner after numerously bragging about his “easy” win. And especially after the shit he’s done to you.
“Does it sound like I’m kidding?” He may be a liar, but you stayed with him long enough to be able to tell when he was and wasn’t lying.
You could’ve sworn there was a slight sense of sincerity in his voice. Maybe it was just your tired brain giving up rational thought slowly.
“What makes you think I would want to have dinner with you?” You spin back around on your heels, inching deeper into the shelves of lined hard-cover books to hopefully bored Jungkook enough to finally give up and leave you alone.
“I’ve changed”
“And I’ve grown in height-”
“Please. Maybe you don’t want to go like that but maybe as friends?”
It was never usually so hard to just respond with a simple ‘no’. It was the fact that you actually quite missed times like that with Jungkook, laughing and smiling at each other on cute little dates he’d take you on.
“You’re going to need to do more convincing than that” Your fingers run along the hard spine of one of the books in the fiction section of the library, eyeing the little detailed imprinted on the front.
After inspecting all the intricate selections, you found yourself catching eyes for the one behind Jungkook, pushing past his broad frame to snatch it out from its spot before flipping through its contents as you paced around. You were so invested in it that you almost forgot there was person literally following you around the books like a creep.
“You never needed much convincing” The book shut closed with a snap as Jungkook held it above his head.
“Well, that was before you fucked another chick after telling me you loved me” It really did hurt to recollect those memories every time you saw him. Just a little less this time.
“I was stupid, we both were-”
“Yeah, I was stupid enough to date you”
“Listen, just one dinner. Please. I promise I won’t bother you again after” A part of you really wanted to just walk away, telling yourself you wouldn’t fall for the same bullshit again.
The other just really wanted to give him a chance, maybe he’s changed. Maybe he’d be better as a friend rather than a person baring your heavy grudge.
“Fine, one dinner- as friends”
“Of course, just friends” Behind that cocky smirk you hated was a smile you genuinely missed. Keyword missed.
Jungkook being the careless guy he is, just stuck the book he was holding into a random unallocated slot before taking a hold of your hand and turning his back as he strode closer to the door. With an arithmetic pace like this, you were bound to end up tripping over your own feet here and there.
“Jesus Christ- slow down!” Your tired legs struggled to keep up with Jungkook’s, muscles burning as you ran out of breath whereas he didn’t huff and single pant.
“We won’t get a table if you keep walking like that” Now you knew where he was taking you. It was quite a cliche to be completely honest.
“Please don’t tell me you- oh and you did” The two of you halted at the entrance of a small diner.
It also happened to be the same diner the two of you had your first date in, the same one your eyes sparkled at his laughter. Were you too stupid to see what was happening?
“Hope you still like those mushy fries and flavourless milkshake” Jungkook leaned back against his chair, eyeing you from top to bottom as you sat in front of him.
“They’re not as bad as your soggy buns on your dry burger” Almost every single memory in this place came flooding back in an instant as the two of you reminisce of your odd food choices back in your relationship.
“Out of all places, you had to pick this one?”
“It was the closest one, and I didn’t feel like driving either” Jungkook leaned forward, arms crossed in front of each other as he tilts his head to the side.
“Why did you drag me here then?”
“I wanted to talk”
“Talk? You’re a very vague man, Jungkook” It was quite an improbable silence before he corked up that cocky smirk of his again, this time it was starting to grow on you by how much you found yourself facing it.
“I miss the way you say my name...” No surprise he’d say that, not that he actually meant it or anything.
“Stop-”
“What? Are you shy?”
“I’m sure you like other girls saying your name just as much as you do with me” It wouldn’t be surprising if he did to be honest.
“No one says it like you do” Now he was just fucking with you.
You couldn’t remember the last time you felt this flustered to the extent of fiddling with your fingers and dipping your head to avoid eye contact. Actually, it was with him too.
“And a million other girls have heard the same thing from you, haven’t they?”
“Not a million, just you” Oh god, what were you supposed to say to this? Compliment him back? It’s been a while since you’ve done that.
“We’re here as friends” You needed to establish that in case he had already forgotten.
“But are we really? You’re blushing” Now you really knew what was going on.
“I always blush” No you don’t.
“And you always look so beautiful doing so” What the fuck is this guy doing?
“Jungkook, sto-”
“I miss you, so much,” If only you could fight your heart right now you’d be out of this diner by now “, I miss us, the way we had fun” Your hand felt the warmth again as Jungkook placed his hand over yours, rubbing his thumb against yours.
You wanted to punch him, right there and then for fishing that buried emotion in the pit of your stomach. The feeling of genuinely missing him. You didn’t want that. You already know the consequences of succumbing to those closeted emotions.
The only thing you could concentrate on was the buzz of small talk around you and the ring of the small bell on top of the door. It was that moment of the ring, Jungkook’s eyes snapped away from yours.
“What the f-” Jungkook straightened his back, eyes narrowing into a piercing glare.
“Let’s go” You were just as shocked as he was, your neck strained at the sight of Jongho glaring down at you, jaw clenched as he kept a stern glare locked on you.
“So you two are dating now, are you?” The chair scraped loudly against the checkered floor, turning all heads to your table as Jungkook faced Jongho with icy death stares.
“What’s it to you?” You could’ve sworn they were about to kiss by how close in proximity they were in.
“Jongho, stop, please-” It certainly was scary enough in the ring when these two fought each other, much scarier now that you were up and personal in the space.
“What the fuck are you doing with this asshole anyway?” Jongho points a finger at Jungkook as his eyes narrow even more.
“The fuck did you just call me?” They were like two deers head to head with their foreheads clashing together, neck veins almost popping as they try to push each other back.
From the corner of your eye, you could see a line of people flooding out the door as mutters and whispers surround you. Even the ones still here cowered in their booths and watch with a peak.
“Now is not the time for this shit, take it outside, please-”
“Yeah let’s take it outside why don’t we?” Jongho stumbled back with a huff from Jungkook’s hard push against his chest. Oh boy.
“You motherfu-” Jongho threw himself at Jungkook, grabbing him by the collar before slamming him against the table, causing distant screams to be heard in the background as more people continued to rush out of the diner.
Jungkook thrashed under Jongho’s hold before headbutting him, making Jongho’s grip on his shirt loosen. He took the opportunity to push Jongho off of him and swing back his arm ready for a punch.
A hand flew up to your mouth with the sound of Jungkook’s fist meeting Jongho’s cheek. Shooting yourself up from your seat, you try and attempt to hopefully end the squabble. It was almost as if you were invisible to them the moment they see each other because no matter how hard you tried to push Jungkook back from Jongho, he just wouldn’t budge.
“Jungkook, stop!” Your fists didn’t affect him whatsoever despite all the nudges and hits you threw him to stop him from throwing another punch.
“Stay out of my way” You were shocked at how far you managed to fall back from a single swipe to push you out of the way.
Jongho smeared his thumb across his lip, wiping the small amount of blood oozing out from his cut lip. Anyone could sense the anger this boy was radiating, it was almost deadly.
The two clashed once again, this time Jongho had managed to throw one in before Jungkook fell to the ground with a hard thud and reddened cheeks. But before he could land another hit, you managed to bring yourself in front of him, raising both your arms up and making him halt.
“Jongho, let’s just go. Leave him, it’s not worth it” It was the first time you’d seen Jongho like this despite already seeing him punch it out in the ring. This right here was pure anger.
It took a minute for Jongho’s panting to quiet down before taking his eyes off a groaning Jungkook on the floor. Jongho’s eyes flickered to you before grabbing a hold of your hand and rushing out the exit.
The cold breeze hit you like a brick the moment you came out, it wasn’t this cold ten minutes ago when you were running across the lot with Jungkook like lovesick children. You halted in your spot with Jongho’s back facing you, crossing your arms as you wait for some sort of response.
“What were you doing in there with him?” Jongho turns on his heels, huffing out a long breath before shoving his hands in his jacket.
“You don’t get to ask me shit without telling me how you found me- oh and why you just randomly decided to tell me to leave-”
“You’re fraternising with the fucking enemy, isn’t that obvious enough? Didn’t this guy fucking cheat on you? Or did your brain decide to stop working after today?”
“First of all, yes, he did do that, but we were just here as friends. He wanted to talk which, obviously, didn’t turn out well for either of us, and I was going to leave anyways before you showed up” Furious would be an understatement right about now.
“As friends, right. That’s not how it fucking looked like” Oh god, please don’t say he was...
“You’re the one who should be doing the explaining and not me. You can’t just start unnecessary fights and then drag me with you to what? Argue?”
To be honest, it was getting a lot colder the more you stood in the open. But you didn’t want to show it for your pride’s sake. Jongho seemed unfazed by the cold, comfortably warm in his brown suede jacket.
“I dragged you out because I-” Your eyes narrowed at Jongho, waiting for him to continue only to be faced with a blank expression.
“- You know what? Nevermind, I was just angry. I needed to let it out on somebody I guess” Jongho inched backwards before slowly turning his back towards you, stepping to his car.
“Y-You’re a bad l-liar, J-Jongho!” Hopefully, he didn’t catch onto your stutters from the cold.
Jongho didn’t bother looking back at you as he drifted out of the parking lot, leaving you shivering in the cold. You could never get a valid answer out of that boy.
“Dickhead” Right now, the diner was the only warm place apart from the library, but that place was probably closed by now. Your feet shuffled against the rough pavement, inching closer towards the steps of the diner again.
From where you were standing, you could see Jungkook still inside, sitting at one of the stools with an ice pack held against his face as he slumped forward. You questioned whether or not you should go back inside, address him.
Fuck it, inside was warm.
The familiar ring of the bell caused Jungkook to turn his face slightly, probably spotting you from the corner of his eye as he dropped his ice pack onto the counter. You swallowed the lump in your throat before walking towards him, sitting on the stool beside him.
“I thought you would’ve gone home with your boyfriend” Jungkook chuckled, biting the inside of his cheek.
“He’s not my boyfriend”
“So I still have a chance?”
“Highly unlikely”
“Why not? Don’t you miss me too? I’m sure a bit of you does”
“You’re so unbelievable” Now you’ve had enough of him. Shaking your head, you began to push yourself off the stool to make an exit. You’d rather face walking home in the cold than dealing with his nonsense again.
“Wait,” Jungkook grabs your wrist before you managed to slip away from him “, let me walk you home” Was this guy serious?
“No thanks,” Your fingers pry off Jungkook’s hold on your wrist before turning your back “, you’ve caused enough trouble”.
“No funny business, I swear”
“You said you wouldn’t bother me after I went with you to the diner”
“I said I wouldn’t bother you after you had dinner with me and we never actually had dinner because of your boyfriend- sorry, Jongho” You forgot he was always a cocky smart-ass sometimes.
“No funny business”
“No funny business”
You couldn’t believe you actually agreed to his offer even after everything that had unfolded just five minutes ago. It was either that or keeping your cheap pepper spray on hand while walking home alone.
You made sure to keep a distance between the two of you, cautious and wary of possible tricks and illusions Jungkook probably had up his sleeve. That boy was always prepared when it involved another female in his presence.
Neither of you said a word. You were still agitated of to Jungkook’s sudden confession. Did he really want you back or was it just another scam? Who knows. Thankfully, your brain was bigger than your heart.
It was a silent walk home. Almost a little too silent considering the fact that you actually forgot there was another person walking beside you.
“Do you still keep a key under the mat?” You fiddled with your keys as Jungkook leaned against the door, waiting for your response.
“That’s none of your concern”
“Why? Scared I might catch Jongho in your bed?”
“What the fuck is your deal?” With a key in the hole, you could just escape from Jungkook’s nonsense right now. But curiosity got the best of you.
“What? I’m just askin’. If you two aren’t a thing, then what the fuck just happened at the diner?”
“Even I don’t know, okay? He’s just- Jongho, that’s all”
“The boy’s already got you fucked up. You know I can treat you better than that” You wanted to scoff at his face, how fucking ironic.
“You’re not getting me back”
“It was worth a try” Jungkook turned his back before you could say another word to him, still appalled at his trashy attempts to mend a broken relationship between the two of you.
•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
No amount of TV and m&m’s could draw your mind away from the two boys, especially Jongho. Was he okay? Should you text him? No, he’s probably passed out on his couch with Creed playing in the back. But your phone was right there, it didn’t make it any easier.
You huffed a sigh before placing the bowl of m&m’s onto the coffee table, snatching your phone before falling back onto the couch. Your thumb hovered over the contact, too hesitant to press down on it.
It was either now or in six weeks once classes started again. The phone stayed silent for a solid second before emitting a ring. You could’ve sworn it was your heart ringing instead of the call.
The room echoed with the silent ring of your phone until it was silent. No answer.
You just stared at the ceiling until the light on your phone disappeared. There are many questions running through your head from the predicament you had gotten yourself into just two hours ago.
He looked awfully upset, which was a rare sight to see. Ever since that night in the locker rooms, he wasn’t the same. Maybe you said something that burst his bubble. He did say some ridiculous things though.
“I don’t love you. Yet”
“Shut up, you can’t just say shit like that”
“Like what?”
“Things that would keep me up at night”
“Things that have the ‘L’ word in them?”
“Things exactly like that”
“I love your eyes, I love your hair, I love your body-”
Your heart can literally not shut up at the memory. You couldn’t help but smile looking back at that night despite undoubtedly catching a cold.
Jongho’s actually never been the type to say things like that. Not to your knowledge at least. Now it’s really gotten you to conceptualise the thought.
It wouldn’t hurt to give him another ring, you found yourself wanting to talk to him even more just thinking about it.
“What do you want?” A groggy voice answered the phone, it was almost forced.
“Where are you?”
“I’m at- ummphh home” From the sounds of it, he was definitely not at home. Anyone could tell that was a fist to a punching bag.
“I told you you’re a bad liar, Jongho”
“I’m at the gym” Jongho would never go to a gym, especially when he was an illegal underground boxer with access to a private ring at any time without disturbances. He’s just not about that public life.
“What for? There’s no match tonight-”
“If you don’t have anything serious to say, I’m going to hang up now. Bye-” You weren’t even phased by his sudden attitude, it was nothing new you had to experience after that night when you, kind of, rejected him?
The red numbers on your digital clock sitting on your kitchen counter from across the room glared at you, beaming 8:21 PM brightly. Without a doubt, most gyms in the area would be closed by now. There was only one option and that was the underground.
It wasn’t far from your old apartment building. Still quite safely distanced for you to walk to without any fear of the unknown in the midst of the dark.
The flickering street lights only made you feel wary and oddly enough made you feel like you were off doing something illegal and sketchy. Well, you’re going to an illegal underground boxing venue for christ’s sake.
The old storage building on top of it was nearly abandoned, perfect to cast away onlookers from the commotion downstairs. Now, it’s used to store random equipment and other gym goods.
Usually, there would be some sort of security by the door when you walked in, but there were no matches tonight. Thank god for that. You couldn’t stand seeing Jongho getting tumbled around with fists to his pretty face.
From a distance, you could hear the faint sounds of grunting and panting as you walked down the familiar corridor. The boxing ring was to the left, empty, cleaner than before. It was impressive how they completely cleaned it of the bloodstains splattered from previous matches.
To the left was the locker room. Yes. That locker room. You still wondered how you just decided to fuck some guy in a public-but-not-so public shower with hygiene concerns completely thrown out the window. Who knew what kind of germs this underground shower had.
In front of you was another corridor, leading to another large room. The lighting was slightly brighter than the room with the boxing ring in it. It had all the necessary training equipment for a professional boxer.
Jongho’s shirt stuck to his back from the sweat, you could see the outline of his back muscles through the thin material as he threw hard punches. His calves were insanely defined, flexing as he jogged in his spot with his arms raised defensively.
“Ahem-” Jongho’s head snapped a three-sixty as soon as he heard you clear your throat for his attention. His brows lowered as he recognised you.
“You shouldn’t be out at this time” Jongho holds the punching bag still before ripping the velcro strap off of his boxing gloves with his teeth.
“That’s a bit hypocritical coming from you” You leaned against the frame of the entrance with your arms crossed against your chest as you observed Jongho from a distance.
“Why are you here anyway?” The boxing gloves fell into Jongho’s bag with a thud before the zipper seals it away.
“Came to see you of course”
“You’re already bored of that asshole so you came to see me? That’s nice” Jongho’s eyes never met you the second time the moment he started packing away all his stuff, hair dampened in his sweat as his skin glistened under the lighting.
“I’m not bored of him, he just isn’t you” That honestly sounded better in your head, it made you cringe hearing that come out of your mouth but it was true.
“What do I have that he doesn’t I wonder”
“A lot more than you think” You watched as Jongho twisted the cap off his bottle, taking a large gulp of his water before turning his gaze back onto you.
“Go home, it’s late”
“Not until I get a proper explanation”
“Explanation of what?”
“Of your little outburst at the diner, genius” You heard Jongho sigh as he slung his bag over his shoulder, stepping closer to the exit, stepping closer to you.
“I told you, I needed to get out some anger-”
“Don’t make me repeat myself”
“I’m tired, can’t we talk about this in the morning or something? Maybe when I’m not so sweaty?”
“Why don’t you go take a shower and then we can talk about it?”
“What, you want to join me again?”
“For the record, I didn’t join you, it just sorta happened” A blush crept well on your cheeks as you had to recall that moment.
“C’mon, let’s go. I need to lock this place up” Jongho made sure to carefully push past you out the exit, gripping one strap of his bag as he dipped into the dark corridor with you following closely behind.
You didn’t know whether you were too close or too far behind from the lack of lighting supporting your vision. For all you know, you could be breathing right down his neck.
The night’s cold air engulfed you the moment you stepped out of the building, making you clutch your hoodie with crossed arms as Jongho twisted and turned his keys.
“Why do you keep avoiding my question?” A look of confusion washed over Jongho’s face as he came down to the bottom of the steps.
“Not everything needs an answer”
“This one certainly does. It’s like robbing a bank and asking the cops why you’re going to jail” Unbelievable this kid.
Jongho looked defeated, he really couldn’t get himself out of this one. Now, what’s left if for him to face it.
“Let me walk you home” Oh he was definitely trying to avoid it all right.
“Only if you promise to stay and talk about it” Now you know you’ve won.
With a huff, Jongho followed you closely behind, hands shoved in the pockets of the same jacket he had worn before. It looked quite warm, to be honest.
After a quiet walk down the street with a few turns, you stood in front of the old apartment building. It wasn’t much but it was enough to keep you warm and safe in this town.
“Don’t even think about trying to run away” You could see Jongho inching backwards away from the steps from the corner of your eye as you twisted the key into the keyhole of the building’s entrance.
“For the record, I didn’t actually promise anything so I can just leave now” Your foot was halfway through the door when you turned back around to Jongho further down the sidewalk than before.
“Don’t you want to stay the night?” Now that was something that had seized his attention.
“Why would I want to do that?” Jongho turned around almost immediately, eyes softening as he hesitantly stepped closer.
“Because it’s cold and you’re tired?”
“You’re actually not wrong” Well that wasn’t as hard as you thought it would be.
The inside of the apartment building wasn’t much less colder than outside, it did take away your shivers though. Jongho’s footsteps were unmistakably louder than yours as the two of you treaded up the steps to your door before unlocking it with a click that welcomed you into the warm apartment.
Jongho stepped inside with his eyes all over the place, simply inspecting the unfamiliar place. It was quite embarrassing for him to spot the bowl of m&m’s you had forgotten on your coffee table.
“Now tell me”
“Oh my fucking god,” Jongho chuckled as he threw his head back in defeat, slumped on the couch with you seated cross-legged beside him and head rested on your fist. “, you’re unbelievable”.
“You seem to like that about me”
Jongho let out a sigh before facing you, turning his body so that now he was slightly a little closer making you feel a faint of his breathing against your arm.
“You want to know why I did what I did at the diner?”
“That’s the whole point of bringing you here”
You could see the faint scar on his eyebrow from that night, it was the scar of the cut you tended to after his loss in the ring against Jungkook. All his other cuts were gone, it was just that one that was still there, maybe permanent.
The last time you were this close face to face with Jongho was when he told you to be his. Since then, you never bothered to give him a valid answer.
“I didn’t want you getting hurt”
“What do you mean ‘getting hurt’? You don’t think I can take care of myself?” You found it quite diverting that Jongho actually cared about you.
“Everyone gets hurt by their ex more than once, trust me, I know”
“I’m not dumb like that. No offence” Jongho huffed a stifled chuckle as he dipped his face to hide a small smile.
“You’re smart, yet you still can’t figure it out”
“I can’t think when I’m nervous” Your breath hitched at the back of your throat as Jongho leaned closer with a soft smile on his face.
“You’re nervous?” Now you were.
“Does it look like I am?” You could’ve sworn Jongho’s eyes started sparkling as you gazed deeper in them. Were they getting bigger or was he just getting closer?
“I make you nervous, don’t I?” Yes, yes you do.
“You’re not even doing anything” It was simply just his voice, his face, his everything.
“Neither do you,” You were frozen in your spot as Jongho brought a hand up to tuck your hair behind your ear before cupping your face “, yet you still manage to make me feel things I shouldn’t”.
“Things like what?” You never realised how close he was until you felt his forehead rested against yours.
“Things that have the ‘L’ word in it” The only thing you could hear was the sound of your heart almost thumping out of your ribcage.
Jongho’s touch was so soft and delicate on your face, his hands were gentle with you as they trailed down to your neck and to your waist. His eyes never left yours as they drooped with each centimetre decreasing between your lips.
Your head stirred a bit before tilting to the side, lips heavily brushing against Jongho’s before locking them. You never knew how much you had missed the feeling of his lips against yours until now. They were so perfect and plump as your lips moved in sync with his hands scrunching the material of your shirt at your waist.
Your head felt lighter with each passing second, you couldn’t help but to bring your hands up to his face and letting your fingers tangle through his hair. It only brought your bodies closer, but not close enough. Your legs push you off the position you were in and slung over each side of Jongho, making you sit on his lap. An awfully too familiar position you found yourself in.
A deep groan emits from the back of Jongho’s throat as his hands rummaged all over your back with your hips rocking back and forth subtly on his crotch. You could feel the enlarging tent against your soaked pussy from under your pants.
Your chest pressed against Jongho’s as his tongue frisked with yours and his hands gripped firmly on your hips helping you rock back and forth against his hard cock underneath his sweats. A quiet whimper left your lips in between the kiss from Jongho’s hard squeeze on your ass that prompted you to grind harder and faster on his crotch.
“I can’t believe we’re doing this shit again”
“You’re the one who mmph fuck- invited me inside” Jongho slid his hands underneath your shirt, smoothing them over your skin before hoisting the shirt above your head and tossing it to the side.
“Fair enough” Jongho’s lips pecked yours before pursuing his kisses down your jawline and to your neck. You hugged Jongho’s head close to your chest as his wet kisses smother your entire upper body.
Jongho’s hands mesmerised you with his lingering touch all over your back and ass, playing with the clip of your bra before unhooking it, letting your breasts free from its cups for him to take one into his mouth as he caresses with the other.
The feeling of his tongue swirling around your nipple only made your pussy clench around nothing but gush at the sensation. His warm breath fanned over the skin of your chest, raising goosebumps as the wetness in your panties spread.
You tug at Jongho’s shirt, scrunching the bottom before raising it over his head and carelessly tossing it away. The outline of his pecks wasn’t too prominent, but they were still there for you to be able to trace them with a finger. You couldn’t help but to just smooth your hands over his chest as his lips fell back onto yours.
Jongho’s thumbs hooked under the waistband of your pants as his fingers rest on your hips. He tugged at them before hooking the rest of his fingers underneath to pull them down as you slowly got onto your knees for him to bring down your pants with your panties.
It was the same look on his face from the other night, this time just with a little more lust. Jongho looked up at you with droopy eyes as his hands roamed your bare ass, pushing your body closer to his.
“Have you figured it out yet?” It was a mere whisper but you could hear him perfectly clearly.
“I won’t believe you until you say it” You kicked off your pants and panties, leaving you sitting naked on Jongho’s lap as you hooked a finger under the waistband of his sweatpants.
“It won’t mean anything to me if you don’t feel the same” Jongho looked away only for you to cup his face and turn his gaze onto you again.
“Let me show you how I feel then” You smashed your lips back onto Jongho’s again before letting your hands squeeze his thighs as you lower yourself onto your knees against the carpet.
Jongho’s jaw clenched slightly as he bucked his hips for you to pull his sweats and boxers down to his ankles before taking his sprung cock into your hand. His head fell back with a groan as you pumped his pulsating cock slowly with one hand as the other massaged his tense thigh.
“Fuck” You felt more satisfied each time Jongho’s abdomen tensed with each pump. With a lick of your lips, you leaned forward, lips brushing against his throbbing tip.
Jongho’s hand found their way onto your head, fingers combed through it as he scrunched your hair together in a make-shift ponytail. You could feel him throbbing just by the tip of your tongue as you lined the side of his dick with the tip of your tongue, satisfaction washing over you as you watch him twitch underneath your hold.
You give him a few kitten licks at the tip before wrapping your mouth around his girthy cock, swirling your tongue around as your pussy gushed over the sounds of his deep moans. His cock twitched in your mouth as you pumped what you couldn’t reach with one hand.
“Fuck- keep going, just like that ohmygod” You bopped your head faster up and down his dick, looking up occasionally with furrowed brows and doe eyes to meet his lustful ones.
Jongho groaned louder as his legs stirred more evidently from your hums against his dick while it hit the back of your throat. The grip on your hair grew tighter, almost making your scalp sting from it.
“Come here, baby” There was something about him calling you ‘baby’ that made your heart flutter. Smiling teasingly, you got up from your knees and back onto the couch where Jongho pinned you underneath him before attacking your neck with his lips, sucking a little too long on the same spot. There was probably a purple gift waiting for you there.
You could feel the tip of his dick poke at your entrance ever so slightly, you couldn’t help but bring your hips closer in hopes for more to fill your neediness. But Jongho only went down further, from playing with your breasts to kissing a line down your stomach before stopping right above your throbbing clit.
Jongho shot a droopy glance from below, making you bend your legs, letting him hook his arms underneath your legs. It was quite a view with Jongho intently gazing up at your with his face dipped between your legs.
You could feel his warm breath hit against your clit, making you clench here and there before he gave you a few kitten licks. Your head fell back as your arms retracted above your head, sliding under the cushions in the corner of your couch.
“Jongho” He gripped your thighs harder, holding you in place as he sucked on your clit and swirled his tongue around it before dipping to your folds and sliding his flattened tongue up and down.
It was body-stirring the way he latched his lips onto your folds with his tongue swirling around everywhere and nose buried against your clit. A shaky moan left your lips as you subconsciously started to grind your hips against his face, fingers holding back his hair as he immersed himself between your legs.
“Mhmphh fuck- right there” Jongho unhooked an arm from under your leg, bringing it up to one of your breasts before squeezing it with your hand over his.
He moved his tongue as if he were hungry, making your hips buckle further against his face. Your nerves sparked left and right each time Jongho’s nose rubbed against your clit, making your eyes roll back in pleasure.
“You look so fucking perfect” Jongho unlatched his lips from your folds, crawling back up over to you.
“Don’t I always?” You cupped Jongho’s face, caressing his cheek with your thumb as the tip of his dick poked further at the entrance of your pussy, making your brain shrivel into a cloud with a slow agonisingly pleasureful stretch.
“Even more perfect like this” Your mouth hanged wide as your eyes widened with the sudden stretch from Jongho’s cock sliding in.
“Fuck ohmygod-” Jongho hoisted your legs around his waist before hovering over you again, rocking his hips slowly as he buried himself deep in you.
“I forgot how you fucking felt around me oh my fucking god” A small whimper came from the back of your throat as Jongho dipped his face in the crook of your neck and his hips slapping against yours faster with sounds of skin slapping against skin bouncing off the walls.
You couldn’t even force a single coherent thought out of your mushed brain with Jongho thrusting into you with an unreckoned speed. Almost all of the air inside your lungs were knocked out from each thrust, leaving you gasping inaudibly.
Thank god you had mistakenly left a small gap of the window open otherwise you’d have a sweat patch on the couch you laid upon. Jongho’s skin was still soft as you smoothed your hands over his back, feeling each muscle with every thrust as his forearms supported him off the couch.
Jongho’s face appeared again after dipping into your neck, his lips parted as he brought them down to yours, slobbering a lazy kiss as your arms slung around his neck, playing with the locks at the back of his head. You couldn’t control your moans any further as Jongho began to lift his lower body, hooking himself deep into you before snaking his arms back around your waist.
“Nnghaa fuck!” Jongho lifted you off your back and pulled you in a sitting position on his dick, sliding himself lower down on the couch for him to grip your waist and snapping his hips upwards into you.
Almost unidentifiable sounds left your mouth as you held your breasts, head falling back with your eyes as Jongho held you in place for his hips to slap against yours. You couldn’t help but fall forward, hugging Jongho’s head to your chest as your body shrivelled with each thrust bringing you closer to an orgasm.
Jongho’s thrusts became faster and harder as he grunted against your chest, sending lewd moans out of your mouth. Your head felt light as your vision clouds with a foggy white, the spark of nerves in the pit of your stomach was threatening to combust soon enough with a pace like this.
“I’m so closenngha oh yesyesyes!” Your throat was almost as dry as a desert as you widely gaped with furrowed brows.
Jongho clenches his jaw hard, brows furrowed and eyes darkened as he focuses on your body. Your face scrunches in absolute pleasure as your legs quivered at the pace Jongho was thrusting into you.
“Fuckfuckfuck! Jongho- ngghhaa fuck yes!” A wave of pure bliss washes over your body like a tsunami, the ball of nerves in the pit of your stomach burst into doses of pleasure being released through all courses of your body as Jongho’s hard thrusts sent you forward and legs threatening to close if it wasn’t for his hips preventing it. Jongho didn’t stop there, his thrusts became sloppier and your body quivered from the overwhelming pleasure.
“A little bit more, baby, almost fuckmmhph there” It felt like one of those bull rides by the way Jongho lifted his lower body off the couch to thrust into you as he chased his own high.
“Jongnnghaa oh shit!” Jongho’s intense gaze pierced right through you as he flipped you back to the previous position with you underneath him, legs wrapped around his torso as his thrusts became sloppy and deeper.
“Mhmmmphhh fuuuck” A warm spurt of cum pools inside you as Jongho slammed his hips hard one last time against you with an almost animalistic loud groan against your ear.
You were out of breath, hair sticking to your forehead as your an arm flared back behind you and the other playing with the hair at the back of Jongho’s head. Neither of you spoke a word for what seemed to be an awkward forever.
“I love you” It wasn’t as hard to say as you thought it would be, maybe because you actually meant it.
“What did you just say?” Jongho’s head shoots up almost immediately from the crook of your neck, eyes flickering back and forth between yours.
“You heard me” You chuckled a bit, letting your fingers play with the short strands of hair in front of his face as your feet slide up and down Jongho’s legs.
A small smile caved its way onto Jongho’s face as he propped himself comfortably over you. It was almost as if everything that had just happened in the last fifteen minutes had vanished from his mind.
“Say it again” There was a hint of joy in his voice when he spoke again, making you curious of his ends.
“I love you” You always found it so difficult to face that word, maybe because it hurt you too much in the end.
“You really mean it?”
“Why else would I say it?”
“I must be dreaming”
“You’re literally still inside of me, how can you possibly be dreaming?”
It was so surprising to hear Jongho’s chuckle. You didn’t even know he had a gummy smile until this convenient time.
Jongho’s eyes truly sparkled as he gazed down at you, smile softening before planting a slow passionate kiss on your lips. You could’ve sworn they were about to crack any moment now.
“I love you”
part one • part two
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Copyright © 2020 by serendipityunho
All Rights Reserved
#ateez smut#kpop smut#choi jongho#jongho smut#ateez fanfics#fanfiction#kpop fanfics#smut:jongho#boxer!jongho#ateez imagines#kpop imagines
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I do have an idea on my tumblr but I'm not sure if I can post links in asks as someone who loves the Villain/Jerkass Has a Point trope basically my idea is after she's exposed Lila calls out the class (Adrien and Bustier included) and Damocles on their stupidity (and throws Alya's words: "a good reporter always checks her sources" back in her face) and she asks Marinette if she can even call the class her friends if they believed Lila over her and Mari (and Chloe) admit she has a point
It took longer than expected for this group to figure it out, about a year. You would think a class with a person who built an actual working AI would be smart than this. Sure there was Marinette who figured it out in a day but that was probably due to knowing the people I lied about, contrary to popular belief I did do research on my classmates although it was until Marinette called me out that I decide to research her more in-dept.
When I realised my mistake, I did what I always do and threaten her but, of course, she was confident I wouldn’t win until I got her expelled and I know it was wrong and I went too far especially when Adrien went out of his way to get her back into school by making a deal with me, so I back off but it seems that her friends had already left her, they constantly trashed talked her while hanging out with me or making sure she was excluded from activities they did as a class even when she was the one who organised it due to being class president. Did the teacher care, fuck no, she was more focused on making the rich bullies were happy.
Ladybug also made me well aware of how dangerous it was to be allied with hawkmoth. I had told him to not to make Akumas go after my mother but sure enough, a co-worker who was jealous of her got akumatised and went after her. Luckily, Ladybug was there to save my mother when the Akuma decide to drop her from the highest point of the Eiffel tower. I wasn’t paying attention when I was yelling at hawkmoth through the phone when I got home to notice Ladybug come in through the window. It was an awkward situation, to say the least, but after coming clean, ladybug had admitted that her parents had been in danger several times and it’s scary but the one thing most people don’t do is work with the people putting her in danger.
I did admit to her that she had a point and told her that I know who Hawkmoth was. “Then do one thing for me while I keep my eye on your mother when I can,” she asked,
“why should I?” I asked,
“Because what’s to say he won’t go after her again?” Ladybug responded raising an eyebrow,
“Fine, what do you want me to do?” I asked,
“Collect evidence, Hawkmoth will most likely be someone who had enough power to not get caught so only having your account, won’t be enough because while your class might believe your lies a quick google search and the police will most likely think you’re lying for attention” she answered, “Fine, you have a deal” I stated.
It took about half a year to collect enough evidence and Ladybug was right about Hawkmoth not caring about making sure her family were nowhere near Akuma attacks, in fact, two Akumas went after her mother again and her father was trapped under rubble after an Akuma had gone storming through multiple buildings. When the evidence had been revealed to the public and Adrien’s father had been arrested, the class group chat had been a shit storm and was worse in class the next day.
Adrien wasn’t in the class, Marinette who happened to be early informed me that he was staying at her house since he was quite close with them after he refused to believe my lies and started hanging out with Marinette more much to my annoyance. “You do realise, Alya’s going to want to rip your head off right” Marinette stated while she doodled in her sketchbook,
“Why is that?” I questioned.
After Marinette had stopped trying to call me out on my lies and started to ignore me, we had made an agreement to act like reasonable people so like if we had to work on a project together, we would not make any moves to piss each other off or we just need an answer to a simple question, we would be polite about it.
“Because according to Chloe, who is still in the class group chat, Alya decided to do checks on all of us to see if we are who we say we are and she just no finally check to see if anything you said is true and apparently she was not happy with what she found” Marinette answered and speak of the devil, Alya entered looking depressed but as soon as her eyes landed on me, her face changed to anger.
“You are a liar” she growled as the rest of the class entered, looking angry but not as much as Alya,
“Like that’s news” I replied staring right back at her, “Marinette told you that for months, ye you stubbornly refused to listen or do any kind of research to see if I was speaking the truth”,
“Don’t you dare blame this on us” she retorted, “you allowed me to ruin my reputation as a reporter with your lies”,
“Because you didn’t do the simplest thing a reporter does, fact checks everything, you were going to go nowhere in the news world if you continued to not fact check” I stated while I started to scroll through twitter.
“She is right, Alya while you are good at writing articles and getting information, you are downright terrible at fact-checking instead you just take the information that will make your theories seem like the actual truth and ignore other information that disproves it” responded Marinette cutting Alya off before she could reply to me,
“Why are you defending her? I thought you hated her,” asked Alix confused,
“Oh I do but that does make what she just said wrong” answered Marinette.
“You all believed me even Miss Bustier and Mr Damocles and that’s because no one decided to fact check and at this point, I don’t think Marinette can call you her friends because of that,” I said looking at Marinette with a smirk,
“I stopped calling them friends after I got a block from the group chat, stopped hanging out with me but still demanded stuff off me” Marinette admitted in a deadpan tone, putting her pencil down, “Now can we please start the lesson, Miss Bustier”, said women who had been watching this happen, nodded as she opened up today’s PowerPoint.
Notes: A nice Lila one shot who would have guessed that I would actually write one. I have not been as active as I would have liked but I do hope you like this.
AO3
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#marinette dupain cheng#lila rossi#post hawkmoth defeat#mild lila salt#lila redemption#sort of#class salt#alya salt#lila salt#salt fic#ml salt#ask#answered
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Hell and Back Pt. 2
Peter Parker x bisexual!reader
Peter Parker x fem!reader
Peter Parker x black!reader
Peter Parker x villain!reader
Warnings: Language, hospital mentions, mentions of drug abuse, allusions to suicide, allusion to self harm, self deprecating thoughts, a gun, mentions of knives, mentions of the dead, anxiety, signs of abuse, abusive and toxic relationships, and fainting.
Word Count: 6.1k
Songs: Pleaser-Wallows, 505-Artic Monkeys, Sweater Weather- The Neighborhood, Daddy Issues- The Neighborhood, Paper Planes- M.I.A, We come running- Youngblood Hawke, Young dumb and broke- Khalid, Do I wanna know- Artic Monkeys, Break the Rules- Charli XCX
“I smiled, I know as much as we get into petty arguments or try to annoy each other on purpose but I’d go to hell and back for those girls. And that’s exactly what I was going to do.”
A/N: There might be some typos and grammatical errors sorry for those, I you want to be added to the Taglist just message me about or comment it. I’ll have a google form for it soon.
Series Masterlist Previous Part Next Part
When I saw my little sisters, that all went away. Sure I still called them a lot but nothing could compare to actually seeing them in person. Sapphire launched herself into my arms and I stumbled back a bit.
“I missed you too,” I said.
I hugged Aaliyah too. When I entered the apartment I heard voices. My dad’s and some feminine voice.
I walked in to find some woman who couldn't be older than 25 in my kitchen. Talking and laughing with my dad. I didn’t want to assume anything or start a scene so I just went into my room to catch up with my sisters.
We were talking about some kid who gave me a DMT pen once and I was tripping balls which I probably shouldn’t be talking about, but I want them to feel comfortable enough to come to me. Makes it easier to keep them safe.
Our dad opened the door and hung in the doorway.
“Hey… Y/N do you mind coming here for a sec?”
“Yeah sure…”
I stepped out of the room.
“Is something wrong?” It wasn’t often that he initiated a conversation that would end positively.
“No,no, not at all, I just want you to meet someone,”
When I entered the kitchen the same woman from before was still there. My dad walked over to her and wrapped his arm around her shoulders.
“This is my girlfriend, Camilla”
I knew it . I knew it! I was trying not to be hostile toward her every problem I had was towards my dad so I smiled and waved to her.
“Camilla this is Y/N,” he pointed to me.
“Well I’ll let y’all get acquainted,” He said before leaving the room.
I sat on the kitchen island and waited for her to say something first.
“Look, I would just like to put it out there that I’m not trying to replace your mom in anyway.”
“Thanks I appreciate it,”
“Also, are you okay now?” She asked in a low voice.
“Huh?” I questioned.
“Your dad said you ran away,” Of course he did “and I saw the news with your school at the Washington Monument.” So I guess she knew more about me then expected. Not surprised she was the one to ask me and not my so called dad.
“Thanks for your concern but I’m fine, and sorry to cut this conversation short but I’m drained.”
“Oh, okay, have a nice night,”
“You, too,”
I didn’t have time to think about anything. I just made it back to my room and face planted onto my bed. My whole being was sore including my brain. I didn’t have the energy to change my clothes, to shower, to think about my dad being a pathological liar or anything else that happened today.
I was awoken by my dad. I didn't know how long I slept but the sun was out. I can’t remember the last time I was able to sleep while the sun was up.
“Hey we’re going out, for family bonding and I want you there with us,”
Family.
We ain’t ever been a family before why start now. Is what I really wanted to say but I sucked it up because again I hadn’t seen my sisters in a while.
The movie was really boring. If we’re being honest.
I pulled Aaliyah and Sapphire aside as my dad and Camilla were deep in conversation.
“You know how I was staying at Wade’s house right?”
They both nodded.
“What did dad tell you about this,”
Sapphire just shrugged and Aaliyah was the one to post.
“I dunno he didn’t say much like usual he just kinda said you just left,”
I felt my jaw tightening as I processed her words, my fist clenching by my side.
“Oh, oh okay,” I breathed in through my nose and out through my mouth a couple times “Well I just want you to know I’d never leave y’all without a very good reason, and I never won’t come back,”
By the time we got back to the house it was around twelve since we watched another movie and went to a restaurant. Then got ice cream. This is the most money my dad could’ve possibly spent on me in a long time. I mean he didn’t because I didn’t get anything and bought my own ticket. I didn’t want him to be able to use the fact he bought me stuff against me. I’d gotten tired of the “after I’ll I’ve done for you,” excuse.
I couldn’t sleep. No matter what I tried I couldn’t sleep. I tried NyQuil, melatonin, and even tea. The tea really did more harm than good.
This was an extremely stupid thing to do so don’t follow my lead but I was bored.
I grabbed a lot of useless shit from the floor of my room and made my way to the roof. I poured hand sanitizer on it and set it on fire. Putting aside the fact that it was really weird the fire was oddly beautiful. I sat there watching it for a minute before stomping it out.
I was going to text my friend Carmen but I realized she was supposed to be asleep and I didn’t want to get her in trouble.
I ended up scrolling through Zillow for a while then that turned into me applying for like four jobs. In which turned into me making spamming multiple friends saying we needed to hang out.
While I was on Zillow there was a relatively cheap apartment in Queens. Which was close to my school. It kept drawing me in for some reason. I bookmarked the tab.
Before I knew it the sun was up. I figured if I couldn’t sleep I would go on a walk to the park.
When I got back to the complex everyone was still asleep except my dad who walked outside like he was waiting on me. He grabbed my arm, squeezing it tightly.
He basically told me I looked like a prostitute. I was running so my sports bra and leggings were actually pretty appropriate. He said that I was probably going out to fuck people and that’s where I always was. I opened my mouth to defend myself.
“Actually I was just going to the-“ I was cut off by a sharp sting on my cheek.
He fucking slapped me. Hard at that. He then grabbed my arm even tighter than before dragging me into the house.
I don’t know what hurt worse my face or that fact that I wouldn’t be able to blame him being drunk on all the times he’d hit me before. He was just an ass.
By the time I made it back to my room it felt like my body was burning itself from the inside out. My face was red and so was my arm from my elbow to almost my wrist. To try to cool myself down I took a cold shower and took some Tylenol.
I still couldn’t sleep but tonight it was because it was so hot. I really needed a fan in my room. It was already 6 so I just decided to get a head start at the school. Not without taking pictures of my bruises before covering them with green concealer and foundation. I wore a hoodie for good measure.
I felt dizzy and decided it was probably best not to skate at the moment and I’m 90% sure I fell asleep on the subway. Apparently we had an art project due which I had no idea existed in the first place so I wasn’t going to that class today. Even though I did truly love Ms. Kramer. I was just gonna skip and go to Bri’s class. Which just happened to be chemistry.
I wasn’t surprised Mr. Cobwell asked no question when I walked in. I ate lunch in his class a couple times, he was chill. He continued on talking about Quantum Theory.
I made Flash move from his seat next to Bri which he immediately did. I guess he was scared of me now.
“Hey,” I said, placing my non bruised side of my face on the desk.
“Hey,” She whispered back. “What class are you supposed to be in?”
“Art,”
“Why are you there? You love art,”
“I’m not feeling it today,”
“Alright,” she nodded.
“Lemme use your AirPods,”
She reached into her bag handing them over going back to taking notes. That didn’t last long.
“What ya watching?” She asked.
“Bad Girls Club,” I smiled knowing she liked this show.
“What season?”
“7,” I whispered because now I felt too weak to waste my energy on speaking. I placed the phone on my lap and she took the other AirPod and before I knew I class was over with Tasha throwing trash everywhere.
I figured I was feeling sick because my blood sugar was low or something so I drank some Apple juice at lunch and called it a day.
Now time for Physics. I hate physics. Why would science ever require so much math?
It was so hot. Like on the face of the sun, hot but I couldn’t take my hoodie off because I felt like I’d sweat my foundation off.
“Are you okay?” Peter asked me “You look pale,” I swear if he doesn’t learn to mind his business.
“I’m fine,” I told him, not sure if I was trying to convince him or myself, I gestured to his notebook. “Do your work,”
“Alright fine,” he said reluctantly, glancing at me once before getting back to writing whatever we were supposed to be doing down.
I pulled my hoodie back over my head and sat up in my seat about to try to do my work again. But it was so hot and I was so dizzy that I couldn’t focus.
The world began to swirl and I knew the switch in my brain was going to flip off. I just didn’t have time or enough energy to tell anyone.
When I woke up I was in a bed in the nurse's office and the first thing I noticed was I didn’t have my hoodie. Shit. I used to make fun of people for passing out because how does your own body clock out on you? Until it started happening to me like last year.
I went into the bathroom and sure enough the giant bruise on my cheek and arm were kinda visible.
Again shit.
I patted my forehead with a cold paper towel because the nurse’s bathroom actually had paper towels unlike all the others, before the nurse came back.
“Hello, Are you feeling okay?”
I nodded. She smiled down at me before giving me water and checking my temperature.
“You have a fever,” she said after looking down at the thermometer “We called dad to come and pick you up but we got no answer. Is there anyone else that can come and take you?”
I shook my head, not trusting my voice.
I drank some more of the water before speaking up.
“I have a friend who’s at this school she could maybe drop me off?”
“I’m not sure if that’s allowed,” she said.
“You know what? Go back to class, get your friend and come right back.”
I pushed off the bed and headed out of the nurses office surprised to find Peter sitting on the bench outside it.
“Are you okay?” He asked me again
“Yes I’m okay” I nodded. Apparently I wasn’t as okay as I thought because I almost tripped over my leg trying to move. But Peter immediately reached his hand out to stabilize me. And I don’t know why that made me as angry as it was but I said “I don’t need you to help,” harsher than I need to.
“Sorry,” I said calmly almost immediately after.
“It’s okay,” He said scratching the back of his neck.
“If you don’t mind me asking where’d these bruises come from,”
“I fell,” was all I said. He looked skeptical but that was all he was going to get, I didn’t need CPS all up in my business. That’s also payback for him lying to me about “cat scratches”.
“Can you do me a favor?” I asked.
“Yeah, anything,” he said.
“Can you go get Briana from Mr. Dell’s class for me?”
“Yeah I’ll be right back,” he said before sprinting down the hallway. I giggled at his giddiness. It was still extremely hot everywhere my body was tingling.
Bri ran towards me
“Oh my god are you okay,”
“I’m fine, I just need you to talk to the nurse with me real quick,”
She apparently didn’t have her car with her today so she was a no go.
“I’m sorry girl,” she said, pulling me into a hug.
“It’s okay, go back to class now,” I said.
“Alright feel better,”
I walked back out of the office to find none other than Peter still waiting there.
“So what happened?” He asked.
“Looks like I’m walking home,” I smiled sarcastically. “Yay,”
“I can walk you home,”
“No, thank you”
“I insist,” I laughed again
“I still think that word is funny,” I said.
“Okay, now let me walk you home,”
We were walking in no general direction. No one but MJ and Bri know my address and I’d like to keep it that way.
“Wait, you need food,” He claimed.
We ended up at this place called Delmar’s Deli. I’d passed it a couple times while walking home and during my less legal “hobby”. I really wasn’t hungry at all. I took all of like two bites from my sandwich claiming I’d take it to go before throwing it away. It wasn’t bad, it was quite good, actually I just wasn’t hungry.
“My aunt is a nurse at an emergency room, she can check you out,” I hate anything that's anything like a hospital at all brings terrible memories, but I didn’t want him to know where I lived so I agreed. I’d ditch him then.
It took us a while to get there but by the time we did I had to stop and catch my breath. He offered to walk me home and got me food. What a Spiderman thing to do. I’d say I had much solid proof to go on by now.
“Peter!” The gorgeous brunette woman came over to the waiting room “What are you doing here don’t you have school?”
“Yeah but my friend-“ When her eyes ghosted over to my face she cut herself off. “Oh my God are you okay,” she referred to my bruises “What happened to you?”
“Did Flash do this to her?” She asked Peter and I had to stifle a laugh at that. I wish he would try to lay a finger on me.
“No, she just told me she fell, we’re here cause she fainted and I don’t know if the school nurse is very capable of actually helping,”
Is this a new thing Peter just decides to randomly worry about me for no good reason and forces me into taking care of myself. Because I hate it.
“Oh, ok,” She nodded her head. “Grab one of those questionnaires over there,” She pointed to the sign in table. “Are your parents going to come too?” She asked and I shook my head.
She and Peter moved over to the side and started talking about something I had no interest in. I grabbed the questionnaire and sat on the edge of the closest seat.
1. What’s your age?
That’s easy 15.
2. Specify your race
African American of course.
3. Select your highest level of education
Some high school
4. What’s your marital status?
Single never married. Unless you count that un-ordained wedding I once had.
5. Specify your employment status
A student.
6. Have you ever been treated in an emergency room (specify age)?
Yes, as a child.
7. Have you ever been rushed to the hospital? If yes, do you remember why?
Okay wow. Yes.
I sat on the cold bathroom floor, vision blurry from tears forming in my eyes.
“Y/N, you okay in there?” I heard my brother ask after lightly rapping his fingers on the door.
“Yeah, I’m okay!”
No I wasn’t. I wasn’t okay at all. In fact I was the farthest thing from okay. I glanced down at my thighs, you could see cuts from the night before and scars peeking out from underneath my shorts. I was sobbing at this point.
“I’m so sorry,” I whispered. I wasn’t sure if it was for myself or to everyone I knew I’d hurt by this. I already had the headache. I was just waiting for the rest of the pills to kick in.
I was holding onto the sink for support when the left side of my body started to feel tingly. The whole situation felt hazy. I was shaking hard before I fell, taking almost everything on the sink with me.
My head hit the bathmat and I could feel my heart slowing and hear my breath become shallow. I heard the doorknob jingle and that was the last thing before a feeling of true bliss and peace took over my body.
I could hear screams and sirens and I knew I was in an ambulance. Slowly I awoke with wires all over my body and an IV in my wrist. My limbs were dead weight, I couldn’t move.
A single tear fell from my eye alerting me off my surroundings. I quickly came back to myself. I made up the excuse of a family emergency and left.
I ended up halfway across the city. Then in Brooklyn visiting a friend.
I knocked on the window of Aaron’s apartment. I could see Miles sitting on the couch.
“How’ve things been over here?” I asked once I was settled on the couch as well.
“Uh, pretty tame, and you?”
“There was that whole elevator stunt and I almost fucking died which was fun.”
“Forgot you never take anything seriously,” He rolled his eyes.
I laughed in response “Well one of us has got to be fun for us since it’s clearly not you,”
“In celebration of me not dying I’m making sundaes,”
“Alright,” He said leaning back on the couch.
“Hey uh, When’s Aaron coming back?” I asked, getting the whipped cream out of the fridge.
“I’m not sure,”
This is actually like really fucking dangerous. Like it could kill me. It’s just I was already in pain and had a headache. I also wasn’t thinking. I’d already made the sundaes. I turned around so Miles couldn’t see what I was doing before I- Okay I’m not going to do this. Get it together God you’re acting like an addict. The amount of people who’ve died from inhalants were insane. There it is again death.
“Drawn anything new lately?” I asked, wanting to get my mind off of the topic of death that seemed to be plaguing my brain lately.
“Some small sketches,”
I got the text that’d I been waiting for. I’d been talking to Aaron for the past few days. I’m not sure how Miles would feel about that. So I haven’t said anything.
But I got the text.
Staten Island Ferry 3pm
I immediately popped up from the couch.
“I have to go like right now, it’s an emergency,”
I sprinted towards the door almost running into the punching bag in front of me.
“Y/N-“
It’d been a week and things were looking up. I had a great day yesterday without the use of any drug. But nothing good ever lasts too long. I didn’t have to worry about that now. What I needed to worry about, was getting Peter to stop falling on his ass.
I tried not to laugh at him and failed.
“It’s not funny,” he said, pulling me down with him as I reached out to pull him up. Soon he was laughing too.
I felt a vibration in my pocket and saw that Aaron texted me.
hey the results from the search came in.
what???? don’t play with me I’m on my way right now.
“Uh hey I gotta go sorry,”
“No it’s fine I probably should get home too,” He pushed off the ground reaching down for me.
“Do you wanna do this again tomorrow?” He asked a hopeful glint in his eye once we were both on our feet.
“Yeah sounds nice,” I smiled.
“Okay,” He nodded.
“Okay,” I echoed heading off.
Ned was being fucking stupid.
“NO!” I slammed my hands down on the table “You don’t stab anyone especially if you plan on using bleach to clean up the blood. At least use vinegar and lemon,”
“Okay, jeez,” he said reeling back, “How would you do it then?”
Before I could say anything MJ spoke up
“You could just use a needle full of air in between their toes, Their heart would fail”
“Orrr,” I said spinning around on top of the table towards Ned. “You could overdose them on potassium and by the time the police get there the potassium in their blood is back at a normal level,”
“Yeah that works too,” MJ stated going back to whatever she was drawing.
“You guys scare me,” Ned muttered making me smile.
“Where’s Peter?” I asked and Ned pointed across the room.
There he was sitting by Liz. It was cute I knew about his little crush on her. I’m sure the whole school did. Glad it’s working out for him. However that did not stop the pain in my stomach.
I got up from the table because suddenly I did not want to be at school anymore.
“Where are you going?” MJ looked up at me.
I shrugged. In all honesty I had no I idea where I was going. Somehow I always end up at Wade’s house when I don’t know where I want to go. He wasn’t home but I had a key. I can’t remember if he gave it to me or I stole if we're being honest.
Clearly I hadn’t passed by a mirror in a while because damn. I look terrible.
My eyes were red and circled with a dark hue from lack of sleep. I still had a yellowing bruise on my cheek. I was pale. I looked to be on the verge of death.
I looked frail, like at any second I’d just fall apart.
It was so unfair. My bones dragged down my body. The pieces of my soul that were mined out and removed from my mind. There’s a hole leaving me forever longing and I cannot fill nor feel. Hiraeth, a beautiful word for a ugly feeling. longing for a home that I never truly had, a home in which I’d never return. I would like to drift to where my spirit lies. It’s in the eyes of you and me and everyone in between. Drifting on a small boat in the sea. Viridian. Yes! That's the place I would like to be, that's where my soul lies yes you see.
I kept punching his punching bag over and over again. Until I was on my back on the floor begging my lungs to allow air into them with Time (Is) by Solange playing on loop. Something put it into my head that I had to kill Vulture. I’d never directly killed anyone but that was gonna change. Having people killed or knowing someone was going to kill someone and not doing anything about isn’t killing anyone in my book, but I’m sure it would be in Spidey’s
That’s literally Liz’s dad though…
Okay maybe I’d just get him locked up. Great now I gotta be a snitch. That’s new. I showered not even caring about my hair now my curls were sticking to my face. I was freezing now though. I didn’t know whether to be glad that my body wasn’t on fire anymore or be upset that I was covered in goosebumps.
Wade’s laptop was sitting right there on his bed. I was only taking a shower but, I think I should be allowed to watch Netflix and he wouldn’t mind, I was already on his account anways.
After like 3 episodes into this random show there was a folder that was calling to me for some reason.
It’d be okay to take a sneak peek. I thought to myself.
I clicked on it and it was locked. I guessed the password in like three tries. He’s really gotta up his password game. It opened to multiple folders, one with my mom's name. Okay I had to click this then.
I opened it which opened to more folders one titled ‘In Case of My Death’.
Okay, okay cool my mother has had a video of what to do all if she died all along. This would’ve come in handy five years ago.
There were three videos with the names of myself and my sisters. I clicked on mine then paused it.
Then unpaused it again.
I couldn’t do it. Okay, yes I could. I played it again. As soon as I heard the beginning of the word “hi”. I shut the computer off. I couldn’t do this. Couldn't do it because I was weak, I couldn’t handle myself. I was stupid and weak and a fucking disappointment. Guess my dad had been right all these years. I knew there was always some truth to the words he spoke only a matter of time until I started acknowledging it.
I don’t remember coming home to the apartment. And I definitely don’t remember writing all over the walls of my dad’s room. But I had a marker in my hands and it looked like a toddler had gone to town.
Holy Shit
He was actually going to murder me, in cold fucking blood. I trashed, the living room area, his room, and then mine. I was not coming home tonight. Looks like I’d need to find a new home now. At this point that sounded like a pretty solid plan.
I text my sisters a quick text ‘stay at grandma’s house tonight dad is going to pissed like Super Sayian mode’ before grabbing my go-bag which was: a bag of the essentials, like hygiene a couple shirts, shorts, hoodies, pants, and of course the flash drive can't forget the flash drive.
The flash drive that’s driving me crazy. I’d yet to open it though. I knew I was crazy because I did all this while fucking sobbing.
I wandered around for hours. Making my way to Brooklyn, Manhattan, Harlem, AND actual New York City.
Somehow I still ended up at Olivia’s door at the end of the day. I honestly believe we were soulmates. Most people don’t know you get many soulmates in a lifetime. I think Olivia and I would be the karmic kind. A karmic relationship is meant to help you grow, but it is never meant to last—it's often playing out a bad experience from a past life. I’m guessing I hadn’t grown yet because here I was.
She opened the door after a second. I’m surprised she did because I used our special knock so I knew she knew it was me.
“I can’t fucking do this anymore,” I screamed in her face.
“You're the one going off and being secretive and shit, like you’re scared I’m gonna hurt you or something,” she yelled walking up the stairs.
I followed after her,
“Maybe you would hurt me. I don’t know you are insane,” I said, tears brimming my eyes.
“Just because you have fucking daddy issues, doesn’t mean you have to carrying them into every part of your life,”
“I have daddy issues?” I screamed soon turning into me choking on a laugh making an unhinged noise “Oh, I have fucking daddy issues, now? Oh, okay,” I nodded.
“Your parents didn’t even fucking want you,” I pointed at her. “At least my mom stuck around before she died,”
“You’re an asshole, you know that?”
“Yeah well right back at you,”
“You’re fucking psychotic! Literally you’re so much like your dad and you don’t even know it, You’re trying to please him and he doesn’t give two shits about you, Wake up Y/N! Wake up.”
“I’m hard on you because I love you so much,” She claimed, but her love was suffocating.
“Oh yeah? I asked “Well i don’t know how much more of this ’love’ I can take,”
“Fine then,” She screamed.
“Fine,” I said before she slammed the door in my face leaving me standing out in the cold crying.
That wasn’t even the worse we’d said to each other. It was the first but not the last time we’d break up either. I do believe we loved each other though in our own twisted way. Well at least I know I loved her.
“Hey,” She said softly as she could sense I was due to break at any second. My cheeks were probably tear stained.
“Hey,” I whispered back.
“Are you okay?” She asked.
“No,” I shook my head. One thing I liked about her is I didn’t have to fake it around her, because masking my real emotions was so draining. At least I didn’t have to do it with everyone.
“Wanna talk about it?”
“No,”
“Okay,” she said softly “My parents aren’t home, so you don’t have to worry about them,” not surprised.
I nodded before she grabbed my hand bringing me inside.
“I missed you,” she said stroking my hair as I laid on her bed, my head in her lap.
“I missed you too,” I wasn’t lying my head drifted to her from time to time. It wasn’t that I wanted to get back together I just missed her presence.
She smiled sadly at me running her finger over the bags on my eyes.
“Heavy is the head that wears the crown,” She quotes.
“Yeah well, ’m not queen or princess and definitely don’t have a crown, so we don’t gotta worry ‘bout me,” I said.
“You’re a princess to me,” I gave a genuine yet tired smile at that.
“You can go to sleep, it’s okay,” She said.
That was the first time I was actually able to fall asleep and without medicine or having to go on a walk or do anything really.
I woke up in the bed alone only to find Olivia sitting at her kitchen island eating spaghetti.
She smiled when she saw me coming into view.
“Sleep well?” She asked.
“Yeah surprisingly,” How long had I been asleep for I wondered.
“It’s 10 pm,” She said, still being able to read me.
I made my way over to her and sat across her.
“So what’s really going on with you miss Y/N?” She questioned.
I shrugged “I don’t know, nothing,”
“Are you trying to convince me or yourself? Cause I’m not buying,”
I explained to her how my dad was being weird and how I wanted to move out now. How I had pretty much vandalized the house. How I found the video of my mom. Just everything. Well maybe not everything I didn’t tell her about Vulture because I feel like she’d try to do something and I didn’t want her to get hurt.
“Oh wow, damn... holy shit. Are you gonna watch your moms video?” She asked. Huh I hadn’t thought about that.
“I mean of course I will, yeah,” I nodded “Probably, I don’t know I’m scared,”
“Wouldn’t you rather just push the fear back and watch then wonder the rest of your life what it says.”
I sighed. Can't argue with that logic.
“I’m assuming you came here because you need a place to stay?” She said.
“Yes, I need a place to stay just for a while but I don’t want it to seem like I’m just using you I can find somewhere else,”
“Now it’s fine stay as long as you need but my dad gets back at the end of the month and we both know he doesn’t like you,” She chuckled at the last sentence and I laughed too.
I was on the ferry heading towards Staten Island now. I knew the sale was for these weird alien shits but that's pretty much all I knew. I figured I’d sort of “out bid” the buyers then get rid of everything. By outbid I mean straight up steal. Some guy in a white pickup truck is officially my target. Thorn was still on hiatus. Meaning no knives unless you count the pocket knife I always had on me, no suit. I did have a trejo though, you know just in case. I couldn’t help my mind from drifting to Pop Smoke’s “I got it on me”. I let out a small laugh.
I was hiding behind some car waiting for a crack in the plan to slip in.
That was until Spiderman showed up. It’s like he had a sixth sense to ruin all of my plans.
Shit
Well abort mission. Just as I started walking around to get to the side of the boat. The van I was next to had Vulture literally coming out of it. I knew it’d looked familiar.
I made it up to the top deck looking down on everything unfolding. So a quick rundown, the FBI was here, meaning Tony Stark or someone with government clearance probably did something because I highly doubt that Spiderman, the Spiderman that I’ve seen hit a window like a bird while swinging, had any government clearance.
See now I was looking to find a good time to make my escape. That was until that purple alien shit started spewing stuff beams of light through the ship. And fuck, I look away for one second and the new Shocker guy was gone. I turned around and saw he was running in another direction. I chased after him the rubber of my sneakers squeaking on the deck.
I jumped down onto Shocker’s back sending us both to the floor before he pushed me off. I was definitely going to be sore tomorrow and I’m pretty sure I heard something pull in my leg.
He jumped off onto the Vulture and I knew I couldn’t do anything anymore. Not like I was just going to shoot them down in public. I saw the light shooting down the middle of the ferry. I was gonna make a run for it but the loud squeal noise was so loud I fell over. Soon I was slung back into what I think was a bench not entirely sure I just knew it hurt like a bitch.
I’m pretty sure I feel unconscious for like 30 seconds.
But that was enough because the boat had already split in half and I couldn’t get to the deck or a lifeboat. However Spider-Man was frantically trying to get it together.
I was trying to be hopeful because everything was looking up, as the parts of the ship got closer together but I think we all know the saying ‘what goes up must come down’
Over the ringing in my head I could assume that things were fixed because people were cheering. One thing that comes from cheering is movement and if I learned anything from the elevator it’s that moving in a very unstable metal death box is not a good idea.
The ship was falling apart again until it wasn’t. It was pushed back together by I could only assume would be our government clearance guy Tony Stark. I looked out the window and yep there he was.
As soon as I got on solid ground I called my sisters.
“Hiii!” I exclaimed. “Where are you, are you okay?”
“Yes we’re fine, and where at grandma’s house like you told us to go to where else would we be,” I could almost hear the eye roll in Liyah’s voice.
“Okay little Miss attitude stay there until I can feel everything out with dad,”
“Alright,”
“Okay I love you guys,” I said, getting a small “love you too” from Sapphire.
“I know,” was the response I got from Liyah. I almost gasped the audacity of this child.
“Say it back,”
“Say it back,” She mocked, evoking laughter from both sides of the call.
“Okay love you too byeeee,” She said hanging up.
I smiled, I know as much as we get into petty arguments or try to annoy each other on purpose but I’d go to hell and back for those girls. And that’s exactly what I was going to do.
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Why does Sylvian hates himself?
(This ended up being really long whoops)
*cracks knuckles* time to talk about my boy
[All quotes taken from the Fire Emblem Fandom Wiki, so there may be some slight inaccuracies]
Okay so first off Sylvain grew up in a shitty environment, to say the absolute least, and that fucks with your head.
First: his brother. He attempted to kill Sylvain on multiple occasions as kids because Sylvain had a Crest. And Sylvain just like, accepts that??? You can see that a lot in his A support with Byleth. He talked about being shoved in a well and being left on a mountain in winter by his brother, and almost immediately followed up with “I have no right to complain” because he, in theory, got lucky: he got the Crest.
And you figure, he would’ve grown up apologizing and made to feel guilty just for existing. You can see in his dialogue against Miklan, in chapter five:
Miklan: Hmph! Hurry up and die already. If not for you… If it hadn’t been for you…
Sylvain: Shut up! I’m so tired of hearing that. You’ve always blamed me for something that isn’t my fault.
He’s definitely been saying that since they were kids. That kinda stuff really fucks with your sense of self-worth after a while.
Then we have the rest of his family. We don’t hear anything about his mother, or much about his father, but we can infer some things about the latter: Margrave Gautier disowned, abandoned, and cast aside his first son in favor of the one with a Crest. Considering the dialogue about “everything being taken away” from Miklan, it’s possible that he was being raised to be the next Margrave, because someone had to inherit–with Crests becoming less common, who knows how long it would’ve taken to get a kid with one, if they got one at all? They needed a backup plan. And then Sylvain came along, with the minor Crest of Gautier, and suddenly Miklan didn’t exist. That’s fucked up, and it shows how little Margrave Gautier cared about his kids. I honestly doubt he showed Sylvain any kind of affection or attention growing up, and probably only interacted with him for inheritance- and Crest-related reasons. To him, Sylvain was a walking Crest, not a person (Sylvain’s fear of people only ever wanting him for his Crest, and not as a person in any respect, had to come from somewhere).
(And, if I can add a bit of an aside, I feel like this is the root of his philandering. Makes me think of the whole “even negative attention is better than nothing” kinda thing. You figure, Little Sylvain would have been incredibly touch-starved and desperate for attention. Humans are a social species and we literally need attention and affection to live well. I mean, he flirted with Ingrid’s grandmother when he was eight. I can only imagine what he said/did if Ingrid remembered it, considering she would have been five or six at the time. And kids that young don’t really know any better yet. Poor kid probably just wanted attention.)
(Additional aside that came to mind while writing this: I wonder if seeing the arrangement between Ingrid and Glenn affected this at all? Like yeah marriages in that kind of setting were purely political and such, but Ingrid was engaged to Glenn because (a) House Fraldarius was a powerful, well-to-do noble family and House Galatea really needed the resources, and (b) Ingrid was desirable as a wife because she had a Crest. Of course, we don’t know the exact circumstances of the arrangement, but we can infer from her other prospects. Sylvain still would have essentially seen Ingrid being used for leverage because of her Crest.)
So long before the events of the game, Sylvain is already pretty fucked up, emotionally. Trauma does that to you, especially when you have an “everyone else has it worse and I, actually, got lucky, so it doesn’t count and I’m not allowed to feel bad about it” complex. Survivor’s guilt is a hell of a drug lemme tell you. Sylvain has already internalized that,
He’s only good for his Crest
Any negative feelings about his Crest don’t matter, because those without have it worse.
No one will ever truly see him as a person–he’s just a Crest.
Already, that’s a pretty fucked up view of oneself.
By the time he gets to Garreg Mach, he has a carefully crafted persona set up: He’s an asshole, a liar, a serial flirt and cheater, dumb as a box of rocks, and a self-proclaimed “good-for-nothing.” In his B support with Dedue, you hear that people describe him as “indefensibly worthless,” which is followed by,
Sylvain: Indefensibly? Heh, that’s a bit harsh.
Dedue: I already knew your reputation concerning women. But these new rumors deprive you of all redemption. I did try to correct them. But I doubt I was believed.
Sylvain: Well, thank you all the same. Listen. You don’t need to worry what people think about me. As you well know, it’s not easy to correct misunderstandings or change people’s minds. And if I’m going to behave so badly, it seems misunderstandings are inevitable.
He doesn’t even argue, just kinda brushes it off and accepts that’s just How He Is (listen, Sylvain can definitely be an asshole at times, but I have to agree with that being harsh). He doesn’t want people to expect anything from him (well, not anything good). In his supports with Annette, he’s shown to be pretty smart, but admits he hides it because the pressure it puts on him is suffocating. He kinda goes out of his way to hide his more redeeming qualities like that. Also on that point, we have this bit from his B support with Ashe,
Sylvain: […] My advice on the whole thing is just to follow your instincts. That’s what I do. If someone’s in trouble, I help them. You don’t need to be a valiant knight to know that. Doesn’t matter if the person is an ugly old man or the cutest girl you’ve ever seen, you help ‘em.
Ashe: So, you’re saying…
Sylvain: Everybody’s the same, deep down. It’s our job to help anyone who needs it.
Ashe: Ah!
Sylvain: What? You’re looking at me funny. Did I say something wrong?
Ashe: No! No. I’m just surprised, that’s all. You’re actually a much better person than I thought.
“You’re actually a much better person than I thought.” Several of his supports have some variation of this line. Usually after he does something kind. And I mean, Sylvain is a kind person, under the philandering. Most of his supports involve him helping others out somehow.
He helps Dimitri with the girl situation (he kinda got him into it in the first place but I digress)
His whole C with Dedue is pretty much “racism is stupid and I’m going to be your friend, fuck what everyone else says.”
In his supports with Felix and Ashe, he helps them out in battle, at a detriment to himself (You can also throw Byleth in here, during their A support, but he was a jerk in their C and B).
In his Annette supports, she calls him out for going easy on her during training. He admits he was, but only because he didn’t want her to feel bad because she puts so much effort into her work while he “sorta gets by on [his] wits”
Okay I need to say how much I love his supports with Bernadetta???? He does genuinely try to compliment her work, and when he sees speaking to Bernie face-to-face won’t work, he goes out of his way to write a nice and well-worded review (a fairly lengthy one, according to Bernie) and compliment of her work–which Bernadetta takes to much better than she did talking in person. And this is one of the few supports where he doesn’t try to flirt. He’s just trying to give her genuine compliments on her writing and goes out of his way to do it without upsetting her.
His support with Hilda could go a few ways, but he did return the books for her and he did apparently get yelled at for something he didn’t do and didn’t even try to deflect that. And it seems that’s not even why he confronts her later: it’s because of how her actions were detrimental to other people (”And those books you left in your room for so long? Teachers and classmates needed those. So stop lying, and maybe stop being quite as selfish too.”). It’s not until she asks if the librarian said anything that he’s like “Oh, yeah, they yelled at me.”
And a fair amount of people still see him as “indefensibly worthless.” Sylvain often goes out of his way to help people, but he tends to brush it off and keep it lowkey.
I got a little off track here, but my point for this is Sylvain projects an outward appearance of being a really shitty, deplorable person. Almost everyone he has supports with is GENUINELY surprised when they realize that no, he’s not as bad as all the rumors about him imply. Sylvain just doesn’t really want people to know. And, as much as he plays it off like he doesn’t care, that kind thing gets to you after a while. So everyone except a handful of close friends seeing him in such a negative light? It filters in eventually, even if you’re not already emotionally fucked up.
Another thing I want to point out: A lot of times, it seems like Sylvain does not give a shit about what happens to him. A few of his support conversations involve him taking a blow in battle to protect someone else (and his attitude afterward is “better me than them”). Reading his A+ with Felix, “…protecting me like that. You’re so weak and yet you always… always…” this is definitely something Sylvain has a habit of doing. Additionally, we have one of his goal requests: “The best way to impress people is to save them by diving into harm’s way. That’s what a Great Knight does, yeah?” In true Sylvain style he covers it with “I just want to impress people” but he’s still devoting his training to being the guy who jumps in front of everyone else to tank the hit. Fully committing to that kind of thing takes more than just a shallow want to “impress people.” Then there’s his Monastery line to Byleth, toward the end of Verdant Wind I believe?, where he says he fights like he wants to die. Which…. yeah.
Another line of his that sticks with me: “burn until we meet again,” after defeating an enemy post-time skip. A friend of mine pointed out it might just be dramatic, but I think about that a lot. Does he think he’s going to the 3h equivalent of hell??? Does he think he’s that terrible of a person??
Uh this turned out to be a lot longer than i thought. So I guess to sum up:
Sylvain grew up internalizing the idea that he doesn’t have any worth as a person. Everything he is and has is related to his Crest. Everything that people feel towards him is related to his Crest and not who he is as a person.
He internalized the idea that because he has a Crest, that he’s not allowed to be upset about any of this, because he got lucky.
Growing up with Miklan’s abuse, he was definitely made to feel guilty about simply daring to exist. So he grows up hating himself.
He developed an outward persona that only reinforced these ideas–he makes and lets people believe he’s a piece of shit.
His attitude in battle shows how little he seems to care about himself.
tl;dr: Sylvain grew up without any love or affection, and was severely emotionally fucked up by his family, which complicated his relationships with other people and his view of himself as a person and his worth. He purposely projected an image of himself to support this, letting people believe he’s a shit person and doesn’t argue back because he feels it’s well-deserved. He doesn’t seem to think he’s actually worth anything. Sylvain, of course, like all people, has negative traits–that’s just part of being human. But his sense of self has been so warped and twisted over the years that he can’t seem to do anything but hate himself.
#fire emblem three houses#sylvain jose gautier#sylvain gautier#fe sylvain#fire emblem sylvain#three houses#fire emblem three houses spoilers#fe16 spoilers#three houses spoilers#fe16#feth#fe three houses#asks#anon#mine#long post#i have a lot of feelings about sylvain okay#abuse mention#abuse mention cw
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One Night Only 2, Part 7
But what DMs? Who's talking shit about me," you hiss mid-stair. He's halfway down the hall.
"Bring ya ass on," he whisper-yells and you jog over to grab his wrist demanding his focus.
"Tell me."
"I hear you," he says a little forcefully, unzipping the fly to his black Levi's and walking sock-footed into the main bathroom on the way to the toilet.
"Okay so? Why have you never brought any of this up to me? And how many of these messages you been getting?"
"Hella. Bae, get out I gotta piss."
"I need to see these messages."
"You finna see more than that."
"I don't care, I've seen your dick before.. Erik!.."
"Out," he points to the door.
Closing it behind you, you wait in the hall while he does his business. When he opens the door he double-blinks shocked to see you standing so close, glaring up at him.
"You never mentioned it... Don't you think that's something important to tell me?"
"For what," he deadpans. "What would you do with that information?"
"Tell you I'm not cheating!"
"I know you not cheating." He says it so matter-of-factly that it catches you off guard.
"It's just odd. Someone sends you pictures and you aren't the least bit curious?"
"Should I suspect you?"
"Hell nah! I'm very loyal," you scoff. "But with all these seeds being planted in your mind, you never had any doubts about me?"
"Once or twice," he admits, his forearm now resting on the wall over your head.
"WHEN?" Your eyes are wide.
"You remember when I hit you up and you said you was at the studio, but my producer ain't see you?"
Of course I remember that.
"I couldn't figure out why you'd lie to me about something that small."
"Erik, that was the night I wanted to surprise you by having your favorite cheesecake from Sugar's because I was excited you were coming home!"
"I know that now," he smirks sarcastically. It was also the first night we played with food and sex. The cake was a mess, we had to buy new sheets. "Only reason I was trippin then was cuz three niggas DM'd me the same video saying you was in the clubs with 6lack and that I'm a simp cuz the nigga was kissing all down your neck." He rubs down his own thick neck in distaste for the mental image. "I zoomed," he pinched the air, "She looked like you, her skin and her hair. Side profile. The fucked up part was I knew through the business 6lack was tryna collab and you were on to collab with a rapper. Plus I was away for a lil bit. But I looked at that picture real close and I saw she had green polish. Last I'd seen, you were wearing white."
"I've never even- ...what? Erik! You should've told me!"
"No need. Even if the rumors were true, I wouldn't leave you.. Not immediately."
"Not immediately, but you'd dip on my ass and I wouldn't know why." That actually kind of hurts. "I mean, I do get it. Cheating is definitely my dealbreaker."
"Oh for sure. Disloyalty is mine and I hate liars."
"Wow," I mouth just staring at him. "You really never hit me with the questions.."
"I checked up on you to make sure you were straight," he straightens defensively.
"No, I know. I mean clocking my moves. You never did that."
"I'm not your last nigga," his brow raises indignantly. "You know where home is just like I know what I deserve."
"You're right, you deserve the best. You deserve me," you smile, the smile drooping seconds later. "Erik, those messages.. all these lies about me. They really bother me and I know they shouldn't and that I should get used to it but I don't like having my integrity on trial like this. I don't get why people would say so much about someone they've never met, like I'm not a person with emotions."
He unlocks his phone and taps a few times and when he shows you the screen it's his Twitter account. His DM's are packed full of people, just like yours. It suddenly hits you how you never check each others' phones. You never felt a need to check his. He puts his phone in your hand and you scroll opening a random message. It's a nude of a blonde white woman sent with no other information. She's showing pale pink nipples and barbie proportions but he hadn't responded. The next message is one from one of his fan accounts sending him a bunch of hearteyes. He takes over the phone exiting out of that and scrolling. The next message he shows, they'd forwarded a post about you fucking 6lack with a sad face emoji. You open it and have to admit there's a strong resemblance, but you've never, ever cheated on him.
"What the hell? That's not even me, I swear!"
"I know."
"This is raising my blood pressure."
"It goes with the fame. They always talk shit about me being a fuckboy even though I been with you all this time. It just means you're relevant."
"There's gotta be other ways to stay relevant- Shh. Wait... You hear that?"
You listen to the air. It's silent, you just noticed. You decide to peep in on the baby. He's still knocked out. Though it's quiet now, he'd slept through another World War and it makes you wonder how bad Nay and Corey have been cuttin up in that apartment for this kid to be that used to the noise. Nay probably underplayed the severity of the situation.
Erik cracks the door again concealing the baby from your sight to direct you to the stairs with a nod. Leading the way, you head down silently
in search of Anaya. She's not in the living room where you'd left her with Corey and they're not in the kitchen, his favorite place.
"Where did she go," you mouth watching Erik peep through a window and cross the room. You look through the same window, see nothing, and follow Erik as he heads to the hot tub. As you approach, you can hear noises. Splashing, plopping, moaning, and..
"Shit, y'all getting it in ain't you," Erik grins. Anaya's body melts into the water as she grips the edge of the hot tub to hide. Corey hits one more pump and she hits him, not wanting to moan.
"GET OUT," Corey yells sending a splash out of the tub in Erik's direction. It sprinkles you both, but most of the water falls back down as you hop back.
"This my house," Eriks grins.
"And I like to watch," you add, humored by the fact that they can't find it within themselves to stop fuckin.
"Y/N get out!" Anaya splashes, water bouncing from her arch as Corey's hips clap against her ass underwater. You laugh holding your knees so not to fall.
"Get it Nay! That's how you get baby number 2!"
"GET OUT," they both yell in unison.
Back in the house, Erik's eyes are crinkled and he's trying to contain himself like you but you're both actually children and can't stop giggling. In any case, the two seem to be alright now.
"Baby. I wanna finish this conversation." You wait beside the sink looking at his eyes. "As you know, Anaya and I made a fake page and found some of the people who be spreading shit about me. Hate pages and they're mostly mad because I'm with you."
"I saw that shit. Sent them to Quentin and he said he traced the IP addresses of the two Twitter accounts we sent him, but something ain't sit right with me." He pours himself a bowl of Cap'n Crunch and leans against the counter to eat it, smacking loudly. "Who been watching us to know my schedule.. They said some bout me leaving the house and us barely being together. My tour schedule is public but other than that don't nobody but you and my team really know where I be."
"You think it's somebody on your team doing this?"
"Nah, everybody on my team love you and glad you're here to make me more manageable. They feel like they can snitch to you to keep me in line."
That one makes you giggle.
"I think it could be someone on your team. Someone you hired." He stares through you as he chews and you wait for him to finish his theory, on edge. It's all got you paranoid especially when he sits the bowl down unfinished. "Gimme your phone." He looks serious and confused, you hand it over.
"I'll be back," he says zipping up the stairs. Within minutes he's back with shoes on fully dressed grabbing his keys. He kisses you on the cheek and you jog after him to the door.
"WHERE ARE YOU GOING?"
"TELL COREY DON'T NUT IN MY TUB," he yells back as you watch him leave.
---
With nothing to do and no one to do it with you decide working on your music is the best use of your time and return to the home studio to work on track six of your album. Last you were there, you couldn't get quite right. Erik could hear it and so could you.
Pursing your lips you slide back up to the computer, put your Drop headphones back on, and play it back. Then you add the rap from earlier and play it back wishing the team was still in the house to give some advise. Hell at this point you'd listen to Courtney, the new and improved nanny.
Nanny...
NANNY.
Before another thought can cross your mind, you're tossing your headphones back on the table and running down the stairs out to the hot tub where Anaya and Corey are in their underwear slow dancing to Marvin Gaye. Rushing in, you immediately start looking for their phones in their pile of clothes.
"Sis. Whatcha doin," Corey asks still looking at Anaya but he can hear me ruffling through their things.
"Looking for a phone, Erik has mine."
"Under y'all coffee table," he says finally making eye contact to see your face twisted in mock disgust. "What.. don't act like y'all niggas don't fuck everywhere in this house."
"It's our house! That's okay though y'all just roll in where we nutted at, it's fine," you wave dismissively.
"Y'all can soak in where we nutted at! Have fun cuh' I skeeted all in this bih-"
"BYE COREY. Stupid ass," I mumble so he hears. I don't have time to play with him I need to call Erik.
"What bitch," he answers and you almost fire off, feathers ruffled and taken aback until you remember you're calling from Corey's number.
"Babe.."
"Y/N," his tone changes. "Sup baby, you okay?"
"Yeah I thought about what you said and the NANNY.. what if it was her? Not Courtney but the one I caught in my stuff.. Raven. She freaked me out."
"I think you might be right, I got her info from your phone. I'm headed to her now."
"You're going to her apartment?"
"Yeah, trust me okay?"
"Okay but I've got a bone to pick with her, I would've went just so I could beat her ass one time."
He snorts. "You're staying out of it. As far as anyone knows, you aren't the one who deals with this shit. You have an image to protect.. unless you wanna be painted as aggressive and reckless like me."
"I don't care."
"Yes. You do."
"And anyway you're not as reckless as they paint it and when you are I like it," you shrug resting your hand on your hip. "You've got character.. and so do I."
"Okay well keep your character over there, you got enough drama on your name."
Hanging up with him, you realize you can't call the bitch either because her contact was in your phone, but that can't be the end of it. It's not that you don't trust Erik, you just want your one hit in. Heading to the hot tub again, you catch Anaya and Corey as they're coming back toward the kitchen.
"ANAYA."
"YES? WHAT," she asks wide-eyed like I'm blowing her high.
"You won't believe this. I think that old nanny, the one who neglected my godson to play dressup in my closet, might be the one who leaked my number."
Immediately she freezes in place. "You know you did contact her before it happened," she points at me connecting dots in her head. "She was probably the type. No, definitely. It was her ass," she nods swinging hands like she's ready to fight.
"Godson?... My son?" Corey looks interested now, chin angled down like it better be a lie.
"Anthony, nigga. I hired her to give Anaya a mental break and the trifling hoe did nothing all day but walk around my house and go through my stuff."
"She ain't even feed or change my son," Anaya adds tapping Corey on his chest. He's pissed all over again, his lip curled in disgust.
"Hell nah where she at," he frowns.
"Erik went to find her and took my phone since he figured it out first. I don't have her information."
"Hell, I do." Anaya jogged up the stairs and returned holding the sleeping Anthony and a slip of paper. "I wrote it down after what she did cause I was ready to find her ass myself but didn't wanna do it here and drag you in it, you got enough problems. Sorry for unlocking your phone, but hmm," she hums as Corey takes the slip scanning it.
"I'm glad you did it," you assure glad to have the information now. Corey's already gone and when he returns he's got your car keys in hand, storming out the front door and you jog after him with your hand out. "Uh uh! Bring my keys back!" He looks at you like you've got to be kidding but when he comes back, you snatch the house key to lock up and toss them back to him. "Now we can go!" This time you don't stop him as he jogs off. You, Anthony, and Anaya are right behind him. It's the fastest Anaya has ever put Anthony in that carseat with him waking up only to look around and out the car windows, touch his shoes, and go back to sleep.
-----
Pulling up to the address you see Erik's car and hop out the passenger side of your car as Corey leaves the car running for sake of the A/C. "Stay here with my son," he orders to Anaya, slamming the door.
"Easy. On. My. Car," you fuss rolling your eyes. The both of you jog ahead to the apartment building and there's no elevator in sight. Without a second thought, he jogs up the stairs and you follow, walking up.
By the time you get there, your legs hurt but you make it to the apartment not sure of whose ass you can beat until your legs recover. You try the door and it's unlocked so you walk in, stopping short before you turn the corner. When you peep around... There standing with his arms folded is Erik in front of Corey who's threatening to kill someone. Never have you ever seen Corey this angry to threaten to kill someone but he's serious. Briefly you wonder why Erik's standing there in front of him like that and not brawling then you peep a little further. There's a gun pointed at them but you can't see who's holding it without exposing that you're there and coming in further. It looks like it's Raven's arm.
"You better pray you don't miss," Corey laughs behind Erik as he moves to block Corey's vital points.
"Say that to my face.. step around," the girl's voice taunts. "Scared?"
Corey is losing control and it finally hits you that Erik's using himself as a shield because the girl won't shoot him.
"COME ON," she challenges. "I don't want you here, I just want HIM," she chuckles.
"Fuck that," Erik retorts. "Never again."
Again?? You almost walk in there but stop yourself. It had to be before you. Yeah, that has to be the case.
"If you strip for me... right... now," she giggles, "I'll let your friend go. Simple. Whaddya say Erik? I promise. Baby, I promise."
Oh hell nah.
"He ain't doing shit bitch, shoot me. I dare you," Corey jumps causing Erik to shift again.
You can't leave and you don't have a phone to tell Anaya to call 911. Besides, neither of you would respect calling 911 anyway it was already out of the question.
But you also know if the bitch is this crazy and Corey is this mad, she will shoot him dead and Erik can't move because he knows she'll shoot Corey. They're stuck and she's taking advantage. There's only one thing left to do.
"BOO BITCH," you yell running around the corner praying you don't die tonight. You anticipate her firing her gun at you and slide as she shoots.. like a boss until she fires down. You try to dodge and get hit in the shoulder before Erik tackles her to the ground almost breaking her hand to seize the gun, snatching it.
"Corey, take Y/N and go," he orders.
"Hell nah! I ain't get shot to leave I'm in this," you fuss.
"She said she ain't leaving till this bitch dead," Corey points to the woman who's pinned to the ground.
"If it's by your hand, I'll accept it," the woman on the ground laughs like a psycho.
"Harpo who this woman?" You stare at Erik's head and he looks back at you briefly, sighing in irritation.
"You wanna talk about this now??"
"Did you put your dick in that bitch? When?"
"When we separated. It was one time."
You gasp. "You was fuckin groupies while we were apart?!"
"Baby.. yes, okay. Damn."
"So what was the difference between me and them? You were really fucking random bitches!!"
"You're not special," the woman he's sitting on teases and you finally get a good look at her to realize it's not Raven at all...
"Who is this bitch," you squint looking down at her.
"SOME BITCH," he yells.
"Psycho bitch," Corey adds. "Slice her fuckin titties off yo."
"Corey... Who's this bitch," you ask.
"Superfan. Stalker ass.."
"What?" Now you're really confused.
"This was never about you. She was tryna get to me," Erik reveals.
"Cuz you fucked her," you blurt.
"YEAH. I FUCKED HER. ONE TIME."
"What you expect," Corey interjects. "I told your ass to go get him, how long you expect him to hold out. Two years? Cut him some slack. Man was going through it."
"Don't worry, I took care of him then, he'll be okay if you walk out again," the girl under Erik giggles pissing you off for the last time.
"Uh uh, Erik get up," you command and initially he ignores you, but you tap his shoulder and gesture for him to stand up.
Groaning, he gestures to your injured shoulder but steps back and the woman chuckles standing up from the floor.
"I'm a beat your ass myself. Woman to woman," you nod feeling her out to see how she'll move. You haven't been in many fights in your life, but win or lose this is one you feel like you need.
"You can try, " she shrugs and you both move trying to find that in. She raises her hands like she's finding a time to swing and you wait doing the same.
"Hit me bitch," she laughs.
"I will," you chuckle ready to boo her.
She jabs and you dodge but her follow-up hits you in the nose knocking you back and you can see Corey in the background balling his lips like a mother saying you better not lose.
She hits you again and you miss her when you swing giving her the chance to grab your injured shoulder. Yelling out in pain, you grab her and scuffle knocking her backward where gravity does the work. She hits her head on the floor and straddle her to return the hits she gave you to her face with interest until Erik pulls you off by your waist holding you back.
"Put me down, I'm a drown her in her own blood!"
"Chill bae, I called my bodyguards. They'll handle her and her funky ass cousin. We need to leave though. Let's just go home.."
You still, calming yourself and smoothing out your hair before scooting to kick her one time in the ribs, "For Anaya," and once more "for Anthony. Now I'm done."
Spinning on your heels and walking out, you head down the stairs where Corey and Erik come down right behind you.
@ljstraightnochaser
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