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aveegrex · 2 years

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TOJI FUSHIGURO THE GIGOLO

local dilf accepting all sorts of payment, line up to get your back blown this is part 1, part 2 and part 3 are in progress

genre: smut word count: 2,6k pairing: Toji x gn!reader (afab anatomy described, no gendered pronouns or adresses used) cw: sex work, tinder, sex toys, sex worker! Toji, netflix & chill, Taika Waititi is mentioned, kissing, choking (kinda), fingering (afab!receiving), oral (afab!receiving), pussy slapping, vaginal sex (mentioned), squirting (mentioned), overstimulation (mentioned), teasing, dommish Toji, male submission (mentioned), erotica magazines, mentions of evil superpowers (a well-known bank), alcohol consumption (teeny tiny and hinted)

author's note: this is inspired by a small talk I made with @diaphanoso the other day in their comment section. Emmy (I hope it's okay to address you like that, not sure since we're not exactly that familiar yet), you can think of it as a sort of adoration manifestation. Please check out their blog, it's awesome.

Also, I initially wanted to make a oneshot, but it got so big that now I'm thinking a two-parter? a three-parter? This theme is a horn (hehe) of plenty, so I'll put up a part two to that in no time. Enjoy!!

Are you ready to get your expectations a little subverted?

Not too much though. You would expect him to be a freelance whatever. Anything at this point, a hot single father trying to make ends meet. If that means being paid for his dick magic (sadly, the only type of magic where he surpassed all of his family), then so be it.

But would you expect him to be so thoughtful about it? So planned out? So rigorous?

Oh, absolutely not.

No, imagining Toji Fushiguro the gigolo probably leads you to picturing him improvising the hell out of the process, going with the flow. You would expect something exprompted and made up on the way.

Not a fucking subscription service. Not some goddamn mood packages.

Just reading through descriptions on his little makeshift website was enough to have you rubbing your thighs together, looking around shyly since you were careless enough to click the link during your lunch break. “Daddy dom night” and a picture of his sweatpants-clad crotch in the background, two lubed up fingers curved in all too familiar motion in focus. “Netflix and chill” and it’s him in his white semi-transparent boxers on the couch, soda can in his left hand just so happening to be placed right for you to assess how big of a chill awaits.

This fucker even had a “Subby hubby” deal, his back arched perfectly to draw attention to the oiled up ass, him wearing nothing but collar and a g-string that revealed a black plug. Of course, this one came with premium pricing.

The options presented were honestly enough to supply the Playgirl for months to come. He could sell those alone and make a bank that would leave Goldman Sachs pulling their scarce hair out. But Toji Fushiguro was a dedicated man, and you could only be grateful.

You never before felt the need to seek out sex-workers, but a few things coincided. Your career took off, leaving little time for building a meaningful relationship. Your last several tinder dates leading up to frustration and absolute dissatisfaction - so bad that you deleted the damned app and resorted to the local sex shop, several well used items now charging on your bedside table.

The surface tension was broken when you whined to your friend that sadly no toy could choke you right and shove a skillful tongue down your throat. Said friend - you made sure to change the contact name to “fairy godmother” that night - silently sent you a link that you so carelessly clicked on after getting your lunch break coffee.

“Fuck it”, you thought. Tinder is unrewarding, toys can only be so good, and your little patience was running dangerously thin. Netflix and chill it is. Let’s see what scenario you’re getting.

So here you are, sat on your sofa, freshly showered and a little tipsy (just for courage) on the weekend night, scrolling mindlessly through hundreds of movies to decide which one would suit better.

“Will he wear a condom?”, your mind riling you up with arousal and anxieties. “Of course he will, he’s not from Tinder”, your buzzing excitement responding to ease you into welcoming home the man that inhabited your dreams for the last few days. He was smart to put up those pictures. You couldn’t get a single one out of your mind, the small satisfyer lying abused in your drawer serving as a witness.

The intercom clings, yanking you out of your thoughts. Movie choice abandoned, you tiptoe to the door, checking yourself out in the mirror one last time. “Hey, it’s your date” - a raspy voice sending shivers down your spine even through the shitty speaker, and you buzz him in.

“You’re on time” - you gasp after ogling at the man for a solid minute, letting him in hesitantly. He smiles at that, sensing your nervousness and plants a slow chaste kiss to your flushed cheek. “I wouldn’t dare to be late to you”.

“Lead the way. - he’s towering over you, solid 6 and something feet of muscle and musk, taking up all the space in your tiny entryway. - To the kitchen, actually. I got snacks”

Oh, right. Snacks. It’s netflix and chill, you remember. And a small detail comes to mind, the one that sold that option to you in the first place. “First time friendly”. So far he stays true to the advertisement, taking the lead in this awkward setting.

You turn to the little kitchenette in the corner of your living room and he snakes his hand around your waist, raspy voice once again bombarding your neck with shivers. “Please, take a breath. - you feel a light squeeze of his huge palm, minty breath breaking through his woody cologne. - I won’t bite unless you tell me to”

“Yeah, sorry. - you breathe out, a nervous giggle tugging on your lips. - I’ve never done it before”

“Nothing to worry about, pretty” - he sets the bag on your narrow counter and fishes out some basic stuff, chips and whatnot. A soda can catches your eye, the same one you’ve ogled at when visiting his website, and he notices your attention, letting out a chuckle. “Thought it’d be a nice touch”

“It is” - you finally look at his face and your thighs clench uncontrollably. He’s otherworldly, his dark hair casting a shadow over his glimmering eyes and lips tugged in a seductive grin churning the arousal in your stomach faster. “What do you wanna watch?”

He glances up, hands stilling mid opening a bag of chips. “Do you like, hmm, - he bites his lip and you notice a thin pale scar at the corner, - you’re feeling horror or comedy?”

“Ooohh, comedy, I think. - you avert your eyes much to his amusement, fisting your oversize shirt. - I can only take so much rollercoasters per night”

“Understandable. - damn, when did he set the whole snack tray up? - How about ‘What we do in the shadows’? The movie, I mean, haven’t started the show yet”

Your eyes blow wide, the unexpected title taking you aback. “I’ve expected more Justin and Mila out of you, to be honest” - he shakes his head at that, raising both hands in mock defeat.

“Yours truly just had to slip a little horror in, sweetheart. - he sets the tray on the little coffee table and comes back to you, both hands landing a little lower your waist this time. - Besides, it’s a good one!”

“Yeah, it-” - he shushes you with a kiss, pulling you into his chest and you only now realize how relaxed you’ve gotten, nervousness giving way to pleasant excitement building up your body. He’s kissing you slowly, no pressure or vigor just yet, simple introduction, light and undemanding. It’s soft, and his hands move just right to ease you into deepening the kiss, making it wetter, more explicit. He hoists you up, large palms gripping under your thighs, and brings you both to the couch like you weigh nothing, like he would strain more holding a cup of tea. “Ready to start?”, he breaks the kiss to whisper and you see the remote in his hand, but his eyes tell you he’s not only talking about the movie.

“Ye-yeah. - you’re trying to escape his lap and plop down, only for him to stop you. - It’s not really comfortable for you like that, I’m-”

“It’s perfect. - his lips ghosting over your neck. - A breath, remember? Take it”

Oh, he’s good. Too good, but that’s the problem for future you. Present you just shuffles a little and settles down onto the sweatpant clad lap with a muscly hand wrapped around your middle. He gives your cheek another kiss and you smile, eyes darting to the screen where Taika is already playing with curtains.

Anxieties give way to comfort, and soon you almost forget he’s here to please you in another sort of way. He’s gentle and sweet, and so so warm, heat radiating off his strong body, making you shuffle closer and closer into his chest. Soft lips ghost over the shell of your ear, his playful comments eliciting little laughs from you, and his hands sit at just the right places - your thighs, your waist, your neck.

“Feeling good? - he whispers, hand crawling up your leg to tease the hem of your shirt. - You seem cozy”

“Yeah. - you turn your head to him, eyes lingering on his lips before you spare them a prolonged kiss, your fingers finding their way to his hair. - Yeah, it’s all good”

Toji smiles at that, a soft groan rumbling in his chest under your touch, and you lean into him, trying to straddle his lap only for him to stop you. “No, no, sweetheart. - he tsks, lidded eyes studying your flushed face. - Keep on watching. I’ll need you to tell me the plot later”

You whine, turning back to the screen. Is he not going to fuck you? Is this gigolo really the first ever guy to take netflix and chill literally? He, of all people? It’s like he knows you’re pouting, and you feel his lips trailing down your neck, suckling on the soft skin. “Don’t worry, sweetheart. We’re getting to the good part, alright?”

You’re about to snap only to barely hold in a moan as his fingers brush against your crotch, no pressure applied, just ghosting over your neglected core. He huffs, and you freeze as it dawns on you what he’s having in mind, a new wave of arousal pooling in you.

“Open up for me, okay? - his hot breath now on the top of your back, soft lips grazing the skin and you shiver, quick to oblige and pull your thighs open. - That’s it, very good”

He’s still painfully slow, thick fingers tapping playfully on your panty-clad pussy, lips dancing over your neck and back. It’s a lot and not enough at the same time, but you can’t help but give in to his ministrations, curious as to what’s coming next.

Toji shifts a little and you gasp, feeling how quickly he’s getting hard, and how true the promo picture was. He’s grinding into you, hand now diving into your panties, warm fingers gliding over the slicked up folds. Up and down, slowly milking you of more and more juice, and you start following his rhythm in search of more friction.

“Naughty slut” - he hisses, hand gliding out of your underwear. You’re about to whine again, but it gets stuck in your throat as he slaps your pussy, grabbing it harshly to still you in place. “Maybe I should stop? Let you just get yourself off on your own? Is that what you want?”

“N-no, please, - you’re trying to focus on stilling yourself. - I-, I’ll stay put”

“Good. - another slap, this time a softer one, and he’s diving back in, whistling briefly at how much more slick his little threat has produced. - So wet for me already, wow”

You sniffle, cheeks burning with anticipation, his sweet teasing turning the TV into white noise. His other hand leaves your waist and lands on your throat, making you gasp at how fucking huge it is compared to your neck. Toji’s timing is as precise as it gets, his fingertips now ghosting over your puffy clit, teasing your entrance only to pull back the moment your hips stutter. “Ready for more, hm?”, and you nod, your cunt drooling through his sweatpants.

“Fuck, that’s it, relax for me, yeah? - you bite your lip as his fingers dive in. - Aat’s right, let me in, good”

The stretch is barely there, but they’re so long, finding your sweet spot immediately, curving just right to have your thighs quiver in seconds. He’s not choking you, only holding you still to fuck his digits so deliciously deep inside, pace switching up from slow and torturing to goddamn relentless over and over again. Squelching sounds now fill up the room, and you feel his hot breath getting faster, ghosting over your back, your body buzzing with pleasure.

“Wanna taste you so bad, god” - he’s hissing into your ear and you nod, rocking on his hand one last time before he falls to his knees and rips your panties off, diving head first into your dripping cunt. His mouth is everywhere, tongue drawing precise circles on your clit, lips enveloping your labia to bathe it in his drool, adding to the already abundant slick. He’s growling, the vibrations making your toes curl and your lashes flutter with how fast he’s driving you to your release.

Your fingers find purchase in his hair, twisting his locks uncontrollably when his tongue makes a particularly skillful swirl on your clit, and he’s groaning again, swollen lips suckling yours in his mouth. You’re so wet you almost miss the moment when two of his fingers dive back inside of you, your eyes blowing wide and a moan of surprise falling from your mouth as he hits that spot again with sniper’s precision, your thighs clamping around his head, hips grinding on his face uncontrollably.

Now you know why he’s got that subscription option. No way you’d ever again be satisfied by any other man’s mouth, oh no. This bastard, this devil, this fucker Toji somehow already knows exactly what pressure to apply, what figures to draw with his tongue, what angle to curve his fingers. He’s lapping at your folds, tip of the tongue hitting your swollen clit again and again and again to make you lose your voice chanting his name like a prayer.

Just as you’re about to tip off the edge, he’s pulling off, making you whine and look at his disheveled state. Lips raw, scarlet like a letter, hair messy, your juices smeared across his cheeks and nose, and he’s heaving, hungry eyes watching you like a hawk. He grips your thighs firmly, mouth millimeters away from your heated core, and his voice drops down even more, predatory and commanding. “Now, sweetheart. - he makes sure you’re listening. - Now, you’re gonna cream on my face like a sweet pea you are, okay?”

He pauses, and your hazy mind isn’t very quick to process he’s waiting for a sign of understanding from you. You huff, nodding, thighs still quivering in his iron grip, his breath teasing your exposed sex.

“Good. Then, I’m gonna take that fucking shirt off of you, have them knees touch these shoulders, and have you cream agai- Hey! - he notices your dizziness and slaps your cunt again, a swear leaving his breath. - Focus, baby, need you to listen close, ‘kay?”

You sniffle and nod again, pussy clenching around nothing under his heavy breath. “Then, this little cunt gonna get a little kiss, and milk my cock again, right? - you’re quick to mutter a small ‘yes’ this time, earning a praising kiss to the thigh. - And it’s gonna milk me again and again and again until I see a fucking fountain splashing over me, yeah? Understood?”

“Un-understood” - you cry out, pouting of his mouth’s absence. “Atta slut, very well” - he grins, fingers sliding back inside, and spits luxuriously on your sex, diving straight in. He’s even more eager now, your moans and cries resonating off the walls, his ragged breath adding to the stimulation as he tongue-fucks your clit. Toji’s fingers rub so deliciously inside you, hitting that spot with killer pace, and a choked sob gets stuck in your throat as your thighs threaten to crush his skull, bliss jolting all over your body, shaking you on the damn sofa. He’s driving you through your orgasm, eliciting every last drop out of you, and only pulls away after, abused mouth widening in a grin.

“Now, baby. - his clothes falling to the floor and your eyes blowing wide once again, the girthy heavy cock coming into your line of sight, the rustle of a condom wrapper making you gulp. - Legs up, yeah? Need to make you cum the proper way”.

MDNI, reblogs and comments are thirsted over, never knew Toji would get me so riled up but here we are

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drjohanross · 2 years

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SOMA characters, from least DILF to most DILF

Peter Strasky (lad is baby)

Carl Semken (cool lad but not dilf)

Brandon Wan (some dilf potential but not much)

Mark Sarang (man's in his 40s and has a stubble)

David Munshi (he's... munshi. the sheer vibe of being munshi adds to dilfness score)

Adam Golaski (he was a dad. and he's fucked.)

Johan Ross (has some white hair. and a stubble. and he's fucked.)

Guy Konrad (he literally had kids. and in his 40s. and fucked.)

John Strohmeier (lad is dilf premium lite. hella stubble, that chronic "fuck this shit" look on his face.)

Nicolai Ivashkin (he's old. and a dad. and white hair. and fucked.)

Terry Akers (lad is the embodiment of dilfness.)

#ofc terry gets the win #who else would?#soma game

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daisys-gard3n · 2 years

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So... Tocino, h u h?

Very Interesting

Very much so. He happens to be 6'5" and is well...gifted.

Also didnt help that his late wife was literally not even 5 foot...the stretch...

Treats you like a hoe most of the time, he's a crimelord and bottling his feelings about his late wife he doesnt need love...but the secret to get his live is through his daughter who he loves v much. Get bibingka on your side and its all good.

Also he really should be a gilf, but he had his daughter when he was in his late forties so...dilf premium.

I need to draw a more ✨accurate✨ picture of tocino. The man just never wears a shirt and sweats a lot.

#dopamine mint tears #tocino #oc asks

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mattmurdeaux · 2 years

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Truly a top tier DILF™. Elite Middle-Aged Man. Premium Daddy Material.

#charlie cox #daredevil #matt murdock #when i tell you i had so much trouble choosing what to GIF because he looked beautiful in every frame #i wanted to GIF every second of this 13 min interview 😭#these some grainy af gifs but his beauty transcends sh*tty GIFing 😌

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tsuki-sennin · 2 years

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Itadakimasu~! Time for another great Sunday lunch with our Cure friends~! Today I'm having a couple slices of leftover pizza. And what a crap pizza it is. Very flat and floppy, the cheese is all off, the pepperoni is weak... I don't even know who made it, the box it came in just said "Pizza!" And let me tell you, microwaving it just made me real sad.

Anyways, Spoilers, I guess...

-Chururin, the world's deadliest serial killer.

-CureSta seems a lot less terrible than the real thing, I tell you what.

-Wǒ ài lāmiàn~! I'd argue that the professional kind is worth moving straight to the Far East for.

-Mem-Mem,,,

-Member's Only Churro Kururun Glutten Free Meme Dragon.

-Hanamichi~! Good to see you.

-That's a whole-ass panda.

-I rarely order ramen from actual restaurants, and I'm personally more of an udon kinda guy anyway, but last year, I ordered a bowl of noodles from a semi-local sushi place with shio broth, bamboo shoots, spinach, a whole boiled egg, and some narutomaki. Now I'm told that the perfect compliment to any perfectly crafted bowl of noodles is a beer, but I couldn't buy any at the time, so...

-Yui Nagomi, a connoisseur fluent in the art of noodle.

-Ran's dad lookin' pretty DILF-y, ngl. Kinda looks like Tao Pai Pai from Dragon Ball though. Makes sense, considering Toei Animation, but...

-The passion in the art of fine cuisine is nothing to be ashamed of.

-Ramen Fairy~! They bring

-Chururin~!

-Mari-chan, she's already seen the Recipeppi, I don't think covering poor Mem-Mem's gonna do much.

-Oyone :O

-Do ALL the old people in this town know each other?

-Act natural, Mem-Mem. Ran won't suspect a thing.

-Panda Get!

-Dwagon...

-Oh yeah, there's a ton of fairies! Mermaids too! And aliens, and time travel! Robots too!

-Ran's got poise!

-The power of love for cuisine...

-God, Gentle is like... peak character design.

-And yes, I'm calling her Gentle. "Jentoru" is that word written in katakana, Gentlu is a stupid romanization, Crunchyroll sucks, moving on.

-I guess they wouldn't show up in a public library, even in a food-devoted town like this.

-PRESIDENT AMANE IS GENTLE :O

-I mean, it's not that big a twist, considering how similar their designs are, but damn.

-...Cure Gentle confirmed?

-We're having a sale~!

-Working for a day, huh?

-Damn, I've got a hankerin' for ramen now. Even the cheap stuff feels like a gentle mid-summer kiss if you use the right ingredients!

-Ramen Musume. Coming soon to HiDive.

-Mem-Mem said "Peace out, yo."

-We're gonna share an asswhoopin!

-He go zoom.

-Oh man, I just realized. It's not just the food that suffers, it's business too!

-Beat 'em up, Ram!

-Ohhhhhh, bringin' up the price. That's cruel.

-Oh c'mon Mari, she's been working all day and has been getting tossed around for like five minutes. She's earned a big fuck-off bowl of premium ramen.

-Yeeeeeah, that's right Mari! Kokone too!

-Hanyaaaa~!

-Fuck 'em up, sweetie!

-Get 'er!

-Daaaamn, Mem-Mem got some fire!

-Mega sized rarity!

-Yum-Yum Dragon! Are you ready? Wake up burning! Get Yum-Yum Dragon! Yeah~!

-Cure Yum-Yum is the funniest and cutest goddamn name I've ever heard.

-Ohhhh, she got slashes!

-Traingles, Circles, and now Lines... Geometry.

-Well, two seems like the minimum Cure number, so...

-They're all together now!

-Yui-pyon~! Koko-pi~! Yep, definitely OT3 material.

-Marippe~!

-Our gurl is an influencer! ...I sure hope she doesn't find herself in cancellation range.

-Mmm... pineapple juice. Great for immune system health and heart rates.

-A tour of the town, huh? That sounds like a great time! I hope nothing wacky or uncharacteristic happens~!

-Man, PreCure towns just seem like the best place to be in the world, no matter the season, huh? ...the travel blog potential must be incredible.

-Alright, I uh... wound up getting a real hankerin' for some ramen, but I'll be coming back later today for Revice content! Probably over dinner, judging by the way my schedule currently looks right now.

#delicious party precure #depapre #delicious party pretty cure #if you receive a little kindness give them a large serving!#pretty cure #precure

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thegreenmeridian · 4 years

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I made some Serious notes on ST: Discovery so here’s some less than serious ones. Aka, thirst notes.

Jason Isaacs. Just... fuck, Jason Isaacs.

That lizard/amphibian fella who had a bad cold is really working hard to make me acknowledge my latent scalie tendencies

Leather-clad Domme milf? Astounding. Michelle Yeoh as the leather-clad Domme milf? I am dead.

Damn it Michael Burnham your voice is Too Smooth

Pike’s conventionally hot and all and I totes would but conventionally hot still doesn’t do it for me as much as intriguingly hot or outright weird

Sarek however is Premium Dilf

I am undecided on Spock

Whichever character Tig Notaro is playing (can’t remember, too lazy to google) is both a butch icon and a sarcasm icon

Ash Tyler rocking that skaggy beard and speaking Klingon... yes.

Man you people already know my tendencies enough to know that Saru could get it I’m not even gonna go into it

Also L’Rell

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curly-boii · 4 years

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Obey Me! saying things my friends have said

Asmodeus: "Hit it quit it. Now you got 10 babies"

Mammon: "That looks like a d to me, but dont quote me on that, I didnt read the question."

Asmodeus: "Hotellllll transsssgender"

Mammon: "Yeah its $13,000. Its premium"

Satan: "What the hell is casserole in french?"

Lucifer talking about Asmodeus: "Sometimes I see a gay person and I think 'maybe we shouldnt have rights'"

Belphegor: "Hey babie... grill"

Satan: "Holy chat! It's a chat!"

Asmodeus: "Jade and tori from Victorious were gay. You can't tell me "take a hint" was in any way heterosexual"

Lucifer: "What in the holy shit?"

MC: "*Gasps* I'm in pain when I eat pain"

Leviathan: "bones are wet."

Mammon: "my bones are broken."

MC: "it's because your bones aren't wet, mammon"

MC: "I'm dank. I'm moist"

Satan: "NO"

Belphegor: "This game makes me une suicidal"

Asmodeus: "Omg theres GOOSE POOP in my BED"

Beelzebub: "It got on her shoe"

Lucifer: "it got IN my shoe"

Beelzebub: "oh it got IN your shoe?"

Belphegor: "Did she just say 'what do tears look like?' Cause I could show her"

Solomon: "Do you know how much of the population has herpes?"

Mammon: "I didnt know there were so many fish in the ocean"

Barbatos: "Do you ever just go to make a sandwich and you accidentally make a shelf?"

Mammon: "I'm not dumb I'm just a disaster"

Satan to Lucifer: "You know what Lucy, you're a chicken shit"

Barbatos: "I used to be in the circus"

Leviathan: "I have layers. I'm like an onion"

Solomon: "You were born to be judged by others. It says it in the bible probably"

Asmodeus: "This gives me PSTD"

MC: "Stairs dont make that noise??"

The Brothers to MC: "You're a delicious little morsel"

Beelzebub: "...egg coffee"

Satan: "I am the ass^2. But I’m not always an ass"

Asmodeus: "DILF of the day. John F. Kennedy"

Asmodeus: "But booooyyyyy, does his penis get in the way"

Luke: "MC, I dropped my potato down the garbage disposal. My whole potato."

Simeon to Luke: "Do you realize how much God laughs at you?"

Asmodeus: "Yep. That's my girl. Rahab the hooker"

Satan: "I will cut your vagina off"

Belphegor: "Sometimes I wish my pulse was like MC... flat"

Asmodeus: "I want to get laid... to house of cards"

Solomon: "Aw now I'm jewish"

Asmodeus: "Shhh I'm blowing"

Beelzebub: "DIBLETS"

Belphegor: "I have a date with my bed and I'm not leaving"

MC: "I dont even care man. They're just boobs. Fuck it"

Leviathan: "You're beautiful the way you are. But wouldnt it be funny if you had big tits"

Lucifer trying to be 'hip': "iCarly, more like iCrawly... on the flo"

Beelzebub: "You're so deficient... in height"

Beelzebub: "Yall ever take your hands for granted?"

Mammon: "Reptiles breathe?"

Luke: "What do gays drive?? Bicycles??"

Asmodeus: "I look cute in flowers"

Satan: "The bostonese dont say their T's"

The Brothers: "We're white trash with a little bit of money"

Belphegor: "Spork of foon"

Mammon: "You did got gooten"

Mammon: "He's a fatty-fatty 11×19"

Mammon: "I thought for exactly 9/8 of a second. Wait. That's not right."

Asmodeus: "Sorry I'm taking so long, I wasnt going to put on makeup but then I saw my face."

Beelzebub: "I kinda need Mexican food in my life tonight"

Simeon: "Wait meth and cocaine aren't the same thing?"

Mammon: "whattup my names Mammon, I'm 16, and I never fuckin learned how to count"

Asmodeus: "Well if you have a uterus why dont you put me inside of it"

Satan: "Has anyone seen a ziploc bag with an odd thing in it?"

Leviathan: "I think this is the stuff we get from the dispensary. I mean distillery. Oh no"

Simeon: "Thats not dog poop thats kid poop"

Diavolo: "I have yet to discover my penis"

Solomon: "I don't know what the opposite of cumming is but I almost did that"

Leviathan: "I WAS ALMOST JUICELESS"

Asmodeus: "We're getting off topic here. Paddles"

Mammon: "I'm not against masculine girls. But i also kind of am"

Satan: "He deserved to be shoe-d"

Beelzebub: "Shresus. Jesuk."

Leviathan: "You watch videos of people with magic period circles inside them doing the sex?"

Diavolo: "I'm not being serious. I am in fact being un-serious"

Asmodeus/MC: "Put those legs away. Its cold time"

Lucifer: "I'm trying to find pictures of children"

Asmodeus: "Find someone better looking and someone who provides very good sexual intercourse"

Mammon: merpoo

MC: I think its Mr. Poo

Mammon: oh.

Any of the brothers about mammon: "Hes a person i guess, I mean he's fine"

Asmodeus: "Do I have magical moving dick powers?"

Mammon: "How many months are in a year? 12? 4? Am I right?... Am I wrong?"

Luke: "I have a hole in my butt. And not the one God gave me"

Solomon: Its not like you're getting married tomorrow

Asmodeus: you right im getting married the day after that

Asmodeus: "Penises are superstitious... *continues to sing 'superstitious' adding 'penis' everywhere*"

Asmo/mammon: "Penis on the wall"

Belphegor: "Is that like a thing? Like can people see ghosts? Because I feel like I have a sixth sense thing going on. I would like to get rid of it though"

Mammon: "Satan, what color is red?"

I hope yall got a good laugh :)

#obey me #obey me lucifer #obey me mammon #obey me leviathan #obey me satan #obey me asmodeus #obey me beelzebub #obey me belphegor #incorrect quotes #shall we date #obey me barbatos #obey me luke #obey me solomon #obey me simeon #obey me diavolo

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sillyprompts · 4 years

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Things We Pinned To The Vent Chat Starter Sentences

Accept my robot piss.

Here’s a dog!

I hate it when my dilf and milf fight.

Here's some porn for you and your friends.

I’m going to call you James and the Giant Reach, because you’re really grasping at straws.

It's like the adults in Charlie Brown just being a weird noise. That’s parents.

Going through it today, lads.

Today at work I smiled uncontrollably thinking about muscle fetish porn.

What’s my fucking bedtime?!

Why pirating Nintendo games is morally right.

I will suck raw caffeine from the caffeine tree before I drink one drop of coffee.

Humans are made entirely of food, so I’m glad you’re building yourself out of the premium stuff. Happy eating!

Have you ever pissed in something and later removed the piss into the toilet?

I’M MR. HUGECOCK!

One call-out post! Two call-out post! Ah! Ah! Ah!

People of Earth: you’re problematic.

I feel like I really would learn magic if I sat down to try to read this person's blog.

I’m covered in marinara sauce in the middle of the laser tag hall.

I asked him for names and they weren’t good.

First, I’m removed the ENTIRE female species.

[name] is there, his cardboard cutout is just standing sideways.

Born to recover! World is not that bad!

Goodnight! I hope your ears stop.

Terrifying. Thank you so much.

I am coping man.

Eat the rich!

Not yet, Ferb.

It’s just a list of people that have shoulders.

Time to guess what I want wrong every time without fail.

I am very sorry for this miscommunication, but fuck you.

[name], the miscommunication was you just lying.

You’re a sweetheart!

Can you do me a favour and Google “truck nuts”?

#starter sentences #notsafe cw

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kurosukii · 2 years

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a client requested for my assistance six times today,,,,it would've been fine and all that, but i keep getting "oh no, just you and me" remarks for whenever i try to steer the conversation back to the group/company :< i hate it here, i said i wanted a dilf why do i gotta be providing service to creep who keeps ringing for me during different times of the day?? he could've done it in one go, but nooo he called at morn, noon, afternoon, and twice this evening :< bokuto would neverrrrrr and i just know daichi wouldn't leer like this. as much as tsumu would prolly be clingy af with his babie, this isn't it :<<

i swear, ph premium existssss how do i get there :< i swear i dont need a man anymore, i just want to be left alone if these were the kind of,,,males present :<<<

bestie drop his addy so we can kick his ass because this is NOT it 🙁 like that’s practically harassment putangina 🙁

#UGHHHH #why Do men #Like WHYYYYYY #tangina beh punta nga tayo sa ph premium punyeta #[ 🂢 ] – nonnie #[ 🂡 ] – jul replies

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gethealthy18-blog · 4 years

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21 Funny Valentine’s Day Gifts

New Post has been published on http://healingawerness.com/getting-healthy/getting-healthy-women/21-funny-valentines-day-gifts/

21 Funny Valentine’s Day Gifts

21 Funny Valentine’s Day Gifts Harini Natarajan Hyderabd040-395603080 January 29, 2020

People usually get sentimental when it comes to Valentine’s Day gifts, but not all of us take Valentine’s Day gifts seriously. Some people like giving funny and sarcastic gifts because nothing is more appealing than a good sense of humor. So, instead of the usual chocolates, flowers, and romantic gifts, try something more creative and funny this Valentine’s Day. Here are some of the silliest, funniest, yet romantic gifts you can offer to your partner!

1. Gelid I Like His Beard/I Like Her Butt Couples Funny Coffee Mug Set

This Valentine’s Day, keep it light and cool with this funny coffee mug set. Remind each other what you like about each other with this conversation starter. This is a great Valentine’s Day gift for couples with a great sense of humor! The captions “I like his beard” and “I like her butt” are printed on both sides. This set makes a perfect gift for couples who genuinely like each other’s butt and beard!

Key Features:

Print that does not fade

Ceramic mugs

Dishwasher- and microwave-safe

Buy it here!

2. JustPaperRoses “I Love You From Top To Bottom” Novelty Toilet Paper

Who says Valentine’s Day gifts have to be sweet and romantic? Sometimes, it’s great to give something useful and funny to impress your bae. This adorably funny toilet paper will give them all the feels. Surprise your honey with this “I Love You From Top To Bottom” printed toilet paper roll in the morning, and they will have a good laugh. It is safe to use and functional, just like other toilet paper rolls!

Key Features:

The roll is printed using safe soy ink

Buy it here!

3. LET IT. BEER Beer Chiller Sticks for Bottles

Here’s a unique way to say “I love you” to your bae if you both love beer. Nothing will make them happier than these beer chiller sticks. These chiller sticks keep your beer chill no matter how hot the weather. Now this is a cute and functional gift that will elevate your partner’s beer-drinking experience to the next level.

Key Features:

The chiller sticks need to be refrigerated for 30-50 minutes before use

Comes with an airtight seal

Made using high-grade stainless steel

Buy it here!

4. Beer Greetings Six-Pack Beer Greeting Card Boxes

You know you have the right girl when she gifts you beer on V-Day! If you and your partner love beer, this cool gift set will make them happy this Valentine’s Day. If you end the day sipping some beer and munching on snacks together, these six-pack boxes with Valentine’s Day greetings printed on them will make their day.

Key Features:

Comes with a “Six Ways To Say I Love You” note cards

Buy it here!

5. NobleWorks “They Will Never Find Your Body” Funny Valentine’s Day Card

Give your partner some funny chills with this hilarious Valentine’s Day card. For the couples who like to keep it funny even on Valentine’s Day, this card is just the right gift. The card reads “They will never find your body…” on the outside and “…as hot as I do!” on the inside. It is perfect for a couple who has a twisted sense of humor. What better way to declare your love than to give this funny Valentine’s Day card?

Key Features:

63”x6.75 inch creatively designed card

Made using 30% recyclable material and it minimizes waste

Funny and crazy gift for valentine’s day

Buy it here!

6. ThisWear “I Promise to Love You When We’re Old And You Still Play Video Games” Coffee Mug

Getting your man the perfect Valentine’s Day gift can be a hassle. If he is not into cheesy and romantic gifts, here’s a coffee mug that he will love. This cool coffee mug that reads “I Promise to Love You When We’re Old And You Still Play Video Games” makes for a hilarious gift. If your man is a gamer and does not get off the couch on the weekends, he will love this mug.

Key Features:

11-ounce ceramic coffee mug

Long-lasting, lead-free, and vibrant print that does not fade

Buy it here!

7. Hallmark “I Love You This Much” Love Card

Whodoesn’t love dinosaurs? This adorable card features a T-rex saying “I love you this much” on the front. On the inside, it reads “It’s more than it looks like.” It comes with blank space on the inside, so you can write your own cutesy message and surprise your bae.

Key Features:

Card made using high-quality paper

8” x 7.2” card

Buy it here!

8. Gelid “My Girlfriend Is Hotter Than My Coffee” Mug

Your partner already knows what a catch you are, but there’s no harm in reminding them again and again! The caption on this coffee mug that reads “My girlfriend is hotter than my coffee” is followed hilariously by “Yes, she bought me this mug.” This will surely make your partner laugh out hard.

Key Features:

High-quality coffee mug with a sturdy handle

Dishwasher- and microwave-safe

Buy it here!

9. Customized Girl Personalized “Property Of” Mens Underwear

Cheesy romantic gifts are for kids. If you want to spice up your Valentine’s Day this year, this amazing pair of undies is all you need. Gift these personalized boxers to your partner, anditwill bring some laughter into his life! These undies will remind him of you whenever he putsthem on.

Key Features:

Stretchy and flexible waistband

Made using durable pre-shrunk cotton

Can be personalized with your name

Buy it here!

10. Hallmark “I Had No Idea What To Get You ForValentine’s Day” Card

Remind your partner that they have you and need nothing more this Valentine’s Day with this funny card. The card reads “I had no idea what to get you for Valentine’s Day” on the cover and “I mean, you already have me!” on the inside. It’s a memorable and funny way to make your partner laugh.

Key Features:

Metallic heart design

5” x 7.2” card

Buy it here!

11. Love Bites Design Company “Sorry This Beard Is Taken” T-Shirt

If your man loves his beard, here is a fun Valentine’s Day gift for him. Make sarcasm your language of love with this T-shirt that will give him a chuckle. He will especially love this T-shirt that reads “Sorry this beard is taken” if he refuses to shave no matter what.

Key Features:

Available in 5 different colors

Made from 100% cotton

Lightweight and classic fit

Buy it here!

12. Nimab “I Promise To Always Be By Your Side” card

You can never get enough of funny Valentine’s Day cards. This is a card that’ll bring a smile on your partner’s. Write your sweet and sexy message inside this card and avoid those long sentimental messages this Valentine’s Day. This is a great gift for a man who has a good sense of humor!

Key Features:

8” x 5.3” card

Folded card is blank for personal messages

Buy it here!

13. MyCozyCups “You May Be an A**hole But You’re My A**hole” Mug

This is super gross but also super hilarious! Your love messages can’t get goofier than this. If you’ve had enough of those long and romantic love messages, it’s time to try something new and surprise your partner with thishilariousmug. This best-selling mug is a great way to troll your partner and simultaneously show some love!

Key Features:

11-ounce ceramic mug

Dishwasher- and microwave-safe mug

Buy it here!

14. Hadley Designs 15 IOU Love Voucher Coupons

What can be a better way to treat your partner on Valentine’s Day than gifting them some amazing love coupons? Your partner will simply love to redeem this amazing set of 15 love coupons. The coupons are designed for different occasions to create some romantic adventures with your partner. Gift this coupon set to your loved one and turn this Valentine’s Day a little naughty!

Key Features:

Each love coupon comes with a romantic and bold task

Made of paper

Buy it here!

15. Maad Valentine’s Bear

This awesome teddy holding a heart that reads “Damn, Boo… You Fine” will make your man go LOL. This romantic bear is 8” tall and has a cute scarf around its neck. If you are looking for a cutesy novelty gift for your boo, this teddy bear is an adorable and great option.

Key Features:

8” plush teddy bear

Made using premium fabric and quality stuffing

Buy it here!

16. Simply Savvy Designs After Sex Towel

Can you find a better gag gift for your partner than this one? This goofy “after sex” towel will surely make him laugh. This soft and smooth towel is designed with sex in mind and will help your man clean up after a steaming session. Do we need to say more?

Key Features:

Made using high-quality and soft fiber

11” x 18” white towel

Buy it here!

17. MyCozyCups DILF Coffee Mug

Scrolling for hours to get the perfect gift for your bae? Well, if you just can’t get enough of your bae’s dad bod, show him how much you admire it with this awesome and hilarious mug. This is a great way to appreciate and show some love to the father of your children and make him chuckle a bit this Valentine’s Day.

Key Features:

Dishwasher- and microwave-safe

Buy it here!

18. Miracu “Once You Put My Meat In Your Mouth…” Apron

This little gag gift will make everyone laugh! If your man is a chef, a barista, or anamateur cook, this funny apron is such a great gift for him. The apron has a “Once you put my meat in your mouth, you’re going to want to swallow!” quote and makes it a unique and bold gift for Valentine’s Day.

Key Features:

Made of high-quality and durable fabric

45-inch waist ties and 28.3-inch neck strap

Ideal for BBQ, baking, grilling, and cooking

Buy it here!

19. Decolove “I Wish I Were An Octopus” Card

Can’t get enough of your partner’s body? Gift this adorable and funny Valentine’s Day card that will convey your feelings to them! This funny Valentine’s Day card reads “ I wish I were an octopus so I had more hands to touch your butt with” in the bottom. Is that adorable or what?

Key Features:

8” x 5.3” card

Digitally printed on 300 gsm paper

Comes with an envelope and is blank inside for personalized messages

Buy it here!

20. Decolove “Yay, We Still Like Each Other” Card

Love can be complicated, and when you make it through with your partner, it’s no less than an achievement. Celebrate your years of togetherness with this fun and amazing Valentine’s Day card. If you and your partner have been through many ups and downs together, this is a card that will spice up your relationship more than ever before! It’s a cute and funny reminder that you both still like each other!

Key Features:

8” x 5.3” card

Comes with a blank page inside for customized messages

Buy it here!

21. Define Design 11 Pillow Cases For Couples Pillowcases

“There is no one else I’d rather lie in bed and look at my phone next to.”This is one of the million ways to tell your sweetheart that they’re the peanut butter to your jelly and the cheese to your macaroni! These super soft and cuddly pillowcases will make your spouse smile and are a great addition to your bed!

Key Features:

High-quality pillowcases made using 100% cotton

20” x 30” pillows

Buy it here!

You know that you’ve got the right partner if you spend a good part of your day laughing with them. Sarcasm is a great way to revive a romantic relationship. So this Valentine’s Day, ditch the sentimental gifts and try some fun gifts!

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Latest posts by Harini Natarajan (see all)

Harini Natarajan

Harini has over 12 years of experience in content writing and editing for online media. She specializes in the areas of business, health and wellness, and lifestyle and is proficient in Medical Sciences (Biology, Human Anatomy and Physiology, and Biochemistry). As the Chief Editor, Harini ensures that her team delivers interesting, engaging, and authentic content. Her background in Biomedical Engineering helps her decode and interpret the finer nuances of scientific research for her team. Harini is a certified bibliophile and a closet poet. She also loves dancing and traveling to offbeat destinations.

Source: https://www.stylecraze.com/articles/funny-valentines-gifts/

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cynthiajayusa · 5 years

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Jamie Lee Curtis RSVPs to Your Queer Wedding

Unless she’s been to your wedding, you might not instantly know the name Sara Cunningham. But she’s the mother of a gay son, and she’s written a memoir about it titled How We Sleep At Night. And what makes her story unique is that wedding thing. Last summer Sara got national attention by posting on Facebook that she would be a stand-in mom at any LGBTQ wedding that found itself rejected by the biological parents. And now Jamie Lee Curtis has purchased the film rights to Cunningham’s 2014 book, presumably as a starring vehicle for herself. Curtis was quoted in the Washington Post as having been “moved by [Cunningham’s] journey,” and now we’re imagining a heartwarming dramedy where the Halloween heroine buys upwards of 27 dresses to wear at a variety of queer nuptials, dashing across town in a zany get-me-to-the-church-on-time speeding car chase to attend her third ceremony in one afternoon. These are free ideas we’re giving you, Hollywood.

Sarah Paulson flies over the cuckoo’s nest

youtube

Ryan Murphy, the man who currently owns most of television, has another show coming. It’s called Ratched, and you’ll need to reach back to at least the 1970s to get the title’s reference, because that was when the film adaptation of Ken Kesey’s novel One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest won Academy Awards for Best Picture, Best Director, Best Screenplay, Best Actor, and, for the purposes of this explanation, Best Actress for Louise Fletcher, who played the monstrous Nurse Ratched. For this upcoming project – already given a deal for two seasons and 18 episodes – newcomer Evan Romansky has created an origin story, one that will star Murphy regular Sarah Paulson as a younger version of the nurse who grew to be a demon of the mental health care system. And there’s an all-star cast rounding out the event: Judy Davis, Cynthia Nixon, Corey Stoll, Amanda Plummer, Sharon Stone and Finn Wittrock, among others. You’ll be hearing plenty about it as the airdate approaches. It’s Netflix, after all; they know where to find you.

Laverne Cox and Sara Gilbert move to Weird City

youtube

Jordan Peele is, how they say, on a roll. From Get Out to the upcoming Us, to the planned Twilight Zone reboot: if he touches it, people want to see it. And now he’s working on a new series for YouTube Premium called Weird City, alongside Key and Peele’s Emmy-nominated writer Charlie Sanders. The premise is comedic sci-fi, and it’ll be an anthology series, which means lots of one-off guest stars. Cast so far are people like Sara Gilbert, Ed O’Neill, Rosario Dawson, Michael Cera, LeVar Burton, Dylan O’Brien and Laverne Cox, all in as-yet-unknown combinations and storylines. Six episodes are coming later this year to YouTube Premium – in case you didn’t know that existed, you’re welcome – so you’ve got some time to learn how to throw it from your phone to your TV.

Call Michelle Williams “Miss Ross”

youtube

When Beyoncé starred in Dreamgirls, she wasn’t playing Diana Ross specifically, but OK she actually sort of was. And now, in brand new Destiny’s Child-member-playing-Diana Ross news, Michelle Williams will be portraying the real deal for a series coming soon to BET. It’s called American Soul and its plot is aligned with that of the legendary TV show Soul Train and its impact on American pop culture. Sinqua Walls (Power) will star as Don Cornelius, with Williams as Ross, Gabrielle Dennis (Rosewood) as Tina Turner, Bobby Brown as soul singer Rufus Thomas, singer K. Michelle (Love & Hip Hop: Hollywood) as Martha Reeves and, completing the triple play, Kelly Rowland as Gladys Knight. Now all DC members will have at least one musical legend role on their resumes (and in Beyoncé’s case, having also played Etta James, two). The show is coming up quickly, Feb. 5 on BET, so spend all your free moments until then dancing around to “I’m Coming Out.”

Romeo San Vicente is usually Best DILF at weddings.

source https://hotspotsmagazine.com/2019/01/31/jamie-lee-curtis-rsvps-to-your-queer-wedding/ from Hot Spots Magazine https://hotspotsmagazin.blogspot.com/2019/01/jamie-lee-curtis-rsvps-to-your-queer.html

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demitgibbs · 5 years

Text

Jamie Lee Curtis RSVPs to Your Queer Wedding

Sarah Paulson flies over the cuckoo’s nest

youtube

Laverne Cox and Sara Gilbert move to Weird City

youtube

Call Michelle Williams “Miss Ross”

youtube

Romeo San Vicente is usually Best DILF at weddings.

from Hotspots! Magazine https://hotspotsmagazine.com/2019/01/31/jamie-lee-curtis-rsvps-to-your-queer-wedding/ from Hot Spots Magazine https://hotspotsmagazine.tumblr.com/post/182451406550

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hotspotsmagazine · 5 years

Text

Jamie Lee Curtis RSVPs to Your Queer Wedding

Sarah Paulson flies over the cuckoo’s nest

youtube

Laverne Cox and Sara Gilbert move to Weird City

youtube

Call Michelle Williams “Miss Ross”

youtube

Romeo San Vicente is usually Best DILF at weddings.

from Hotspots! Magazine https://hotspotsmagazine.com/2019/01/31/jamie-lee-curtis-rsvps-to-your-queer-wedding/

0 notes