Me: *still hasn't started my assignment that's due at noon tomorrow*

Spotify: hey did you know there's a concert being held nearby for an artist you like on your birthday next year :)

Me, doesn't even like celebrating my birthday but needs no prompting to be distracted: oh really? Well I need to know more right this second

hq boys when you're feeling anxious or stressed

suna rintaro, hinata shoyo, oikawa toru x gn!r

!warnings! mentions of anxiety, reader comparing themselves to others, mentions of food & hunger, driving. this is like all fluff no angst rlly tbh.

SUNA RINTARO.

he could tell something was up but conviced himself he shouldnt pry as he had already asked you twice if you were feeling alright, to which you reasurred him with a "yep" both times, it was suspicious but he thought maybe you just wanted to be left alone. meanwhile you weren't sure why you lied him, you obviously were not doing okay at the moment. currently he was driving you home and your anxiety was going absolutely crazy from the amount of school work that was piling up on you, it's unfair you thought to yourself, looking out the window. not only were you stressed from work but trying to keep up with your friend was hard, to say the least. they were phenomenal students, straight As in their transcript and though your grades were just fine, you couldn't help but feel inferior and insecure. it's unfair how effortlessly smart they are and how i'll never be able to catch up.... oh boy if your thoughts weren't running wild before they definitely were now, you hadn't even realized your boyfriend pulling into your driveway until he slightly tapped your shoulder. "are you sure you're alright? i don't wanna pressure you ofcourse but, you know you can tell me anything right?" ... and there were the water works! the little string holding you together had snapped just like that. you sat there in the passengers seat sobbing into your hands and suna rintaro hadn't a clue what to do in the moment.

"give me just a sec" you heard him mumble but not before he gave you a kiss as light as a feather on the top of your head. somehow you didn't notice him exit the car and rush to your side until he opened your door and hugged you so tight you honestly couldn't breathe. after a few seconds your boyfriend let go of the embrace which, to his dismay, only made you cry even harder. now, he knew he was known for being quite... stoic but he was definitely panicking on the inside and it was really difficult to remain calm on the outside. your boyfriend carefully reached over you to unbuckle the seatbelt that you had yet to unclasp. "lets go inside baby." his voice was so gentle it would've taken you by surprise had you not still been crying. you nodded in response and he helped you carefully out of the car, holding your hand all the way to the door, "d'ya have your key?" you nodded trying your best to unlock the door, after a few struggled and shakey attempts you finally had your door unlocked but not without rins help because he couldn't bare to watch you struggle any longer.

stepping inside rin helped you take your shoes off, removing his own after, "bedroom?" having calmed down a little you whispered "yes," with a small nod. he nodded with you in response and took you to your bedroom. after helping you change into comfy clothes he helped you into bed, crawling in right behind you. your back was snug against his chest and he held you super tightly, it was silent for a few minutes until finally he spoke up, "please tell me how i can help" you could feel your lip quiver. "well... you don't have to say anything right now, you know i can wait. i'll even leave if you want, i just wanted you to know that you can tell me whenever you're ready and that i'll listen." neither of you were sure when you'd be ready to admit what had gotten you so upset but you felt comfortable knowing suna rintaro would be there whenever you were ready, whether it be minutes from now or even months.

HINATA SHOYO.

your silence on the walk home was starting to concern him.. maybe im just talking too much... he thought, "hey... im sorry if im talking your ear off.. how was your day angel?" to say he was disappointed with your response would be an understatement. not thar you HAD to talk but usually you were talkative with him and the worry in his tummy was only growing more. a simple, "oh.. my day was alright sho," simply woundn't cut it! "hey, are you feeling okay?" it was silent for a few seconds before you answered a mumbled "i think so, are you feeling alright, sho?" he simply nodded with a "mhm" and you told him to continue on with his story from earlier.

he complied but only to fill the silence. hinata decided to trust you when you said you were okay because you know your own feelings and he knows for a fact he's made it clear before that you could and should let him know if something was bothering you. though you enjoyed listening to hinata's stories you only found yourself getting lost in your own mind whilst he rambled on.you could tell he was suspicious of your behavior but was grateful he had left his curiosity behind because you were sure you would snap if he had asked you if you were okay again, you really didn't want to cry in front of him. truth is, your thoughts were running wild, stressing over the smallest things; assignments due at the end of the week, what you were gonna get your boyfriend for your anniversary, how you were gonna make time for your friends surprise birthday party and helping sho with his studied all the while trying to take care of your own self and keep your own grades afloat. "y/n..? we're at your house.. are you sure your alright? you look a little pale, are you ill?" crap! how had you not noticed you were approaching your own driveway you wanted to slap yourself for being so clueless. you couldn't help but feel horrible for not listening to your boyfriends story also.

"yes sho i'm fine really, i just didn't have time to eat lunch today but i have food inside so don't worry m'may?" he looked at you suspiciously and you knew he was onto you, "y'know y/n, i'm not gonna force you to tell me what's going on but just know i'll always be here for you, okay?" he gave you a small smile before engulfing you into a tight hug, it honestly melted your heart. surprisingly, you didn't start crying on the spot. "y'know, i wanted to trust you when you said you were okay but now i'm not so sure if you were telling the truth," he mumbled into your shoulder. you sighed, giving up the facade. "sho.... i just don't know what to do honestly, i have alot on my plate right now and i'm really stressed with all the responsibilities ive piled onto myself," you admitted. he nodded lifting his head from your shoulder, giving you the brightest smile, "well, i can always help out! i might not be the mooost helpful person ever but i'll try my best, and if anything i'm good moral support!" you giggled at that but suddenly you felt your lip quiver from the sudden guilt you feeling, "i'm sorry for lying to you sho-", "hey! its alright! you dont need to apologize. especially dont need you crying on me now!" he smiled cupping your face in his hands, wiping away a few stray tears of whom managed to escape.

OIKAWA TORU.

you smile back at him and thought of how silly it was that you tried keeping your feelings a secret from your boyfriend of two years, hinata shoyo, feeling glad that you confided in him. he knew you were upset as soon as he saw you that very morning, he could read you like and open book and you knew that fact very well. still though, you tried your best to hide yourself from him, though it was hard considering you sitting right next to him in the passenger seat of his car. finally after a whole day of being worried sick, he was tired of leaving things left unsaid "babyyyy," he sang for you from the kitchen, "please come here a sec!" he yelled for you louder. soon you came trudging down the hallway, blanket wrapped around your body, he couldn't help but smile at how adorable his s/o looked.

"c'mere quickly," he said will a grin, opening his arms for a hug, which you gladly accept, wrapping your arms around his waist tightly. "now, i know you know that i know that you're not feeling well, so please tell me what's got my angel so upset?" he said softly rubbing his hand lightly over your back, his voice a little muffled from his cheek being squished against the top of your head. you let out a breath you hadn't even realized you were holding, "'m sorry tooru, i don't know what's wrong with me today.... just not feeling well." you felt him nod against your head in response, "well good thing your amazing boyfriend is here to make you feel all better huh?" you let a out small giggle at that. "you know you can tell me when you're feeling down right? you shouldn't keep things bottled up inside", "i know tooru... im sorry, i just dont really know wbat i'm feeling so down about though," you admitted shyly. "hey that's okay! there absolutely no need to apologize for that, here, look at me, angel," he tilts your face so you're looking up at him, his big soft hands holding your face, thumbs stroking your cheeks lightly, "i'm here whenever you figure it out, hell, even if you dont figure it out or there just isn't any reason at all. you know i'm always, always, always here. i promise you that, m'kay?" he finishes his little speech with a smile, smothering your face in kisses. you could only feel relieved, thankful and loved. because you knew that you would always have your soulmate, oikawa toru by your side.

( a/n ; ahh so im sorry if this has any spelling or grammatical errors it's sort of late as i'm writing this! and im too lazy to proof read.... also it might just all be word vomit and if it is im so sorry 😩 ++ i'm positive ive kept the reader gn throughout the whole thing but if there are slip-ups i promise i'll do better next time! i rlly wanted to write some hq boys when ur feeling anxious and beyond stressed because i have been MEGA struggling with my own anxiety lately, especially bc of school so i just needed to let my feelings go! anywhooo i hope everyone who reads this has an amazing day or night! ) p.s. im new to writing so be nice 2 me or whatever 😩🙄😌👍🏻

tips on making through debilitating depressive episodes when you got EXECUTIVE DYSFUNCTION!

i know a lot of people have made these but i just want to make one (mostly for myself? but hopefully it helps others?) idk its cathartic and im going through it so let me live!!!! also some of these are just general depression tips because um... executive dysfuntion doesnt impact everything! also my experiences are specifically with ADHD but im assuming theyll apply to others. 

1) Keep up with hygiene: this is probably the most important thing to do in my opinion. its nearly impossible to want to do anything if you havent taken care of the basics. if showering is too hard, brush your teeth, wash your face, and use dry shampoo... but honestly, even if its the only thing you do and you end up doing it at 9pm, try to take a shower. it will help. 

2) Keep the sad song playlist at bay: its sooo easy to stare at your ceiling and wallow as you listen to mitski for hours on end, but ive noticed that, for me, it just keeps my mood stagnant -- never better. usually when im Going Through It i cant bear to listen to anything up beat or happy, but an easy solution for that is listening to relaxing classical, folk, r&b, etc music. honestly as long as it doesnt remind you that you feel like shit it will be better.

3) Try to talk with your friends: yeah, yeah, adhd makes social media and texting really difficult. for me, when im in a mood, i literally can not text back, make posts, or do anything social. (even though i scroll through social media endlessly, without interacting?) but often this is simultaneously a contributing factor to why you feel bad -- humans are social creatures, we need interaction whether we want it or not lol. try to strike up a text conversation, it can be short, just remind yourself that there are people who care about you and like talking to you. and hey, if you can manage, maybe try to get a quick 30 minute meal with someone. theres less talking, social interaction, and food! which gets me too...

4) Eat as best as you can: i know some people binge eat when their depressed, but im the other side of the coin -- i never eat, i cant muster up the energy to leave bed to find food, mostly because nothing is appetizing in the first place. especially when im on my medication, eating feels nearly impossible. i try to see food as a fuel source when i cant find any joy in it -- even though the experience is unpleasant, my body is loving it. pro tip: leave dried fruits, crackers, your favorite bag of chips, etc under your bed if you’re like me! it makes the whole process a lot easier, and theres less of a hassle in getting food so you might as well eat what you stashed. :p.

5) Clean: after a few days of not doing anything, youre room is gonna start looking like shit. its just an accumulation of your depression and disorganization from adhd, and for me, it makes me feel worse and worse as my room gets dirtier and dirtier. the most important thing ive learned is to tackle one task at a time -- clean the top of your desk, shove all the clothes on your floor into your closet, make your bed... you dont have to do everything in one day. sometimes hiding the mess is a good alternative, and lets you deal with it at a later date while you still have the benefit of a seemingly decluttered room.

6) Try to do something productive: imma be real with you this is one i never follow, but its also really important, especially when youre feeling depressed at a busy time in your life. aim for 5 or 10 minutes of doing an assignment, see how you feel and if you can continue. if not -- thats ok, youve already made a dent, and you can try again later in the day! taking it in 5 to 10 minute increments makes it more manageable, and less of a commitment.

7) Vary what you do: again, so easy to get into hyperfocus and watch 8 hours of sims architecture videos on youtube. try not to let yourself fall into a hole like that. of course, video watching is great, but try to throw in some other of your interests that are more stimulating and interactive. i find myself mindlessly watching videos without even thinking about or absorbing what im watching. its important to branch out -- whether that be video games, drawing, singing... whateva!

im sure there’s more things you can do, and im also aware that these dont apply to everyone. i just think its important to have a realistic baseline of tasks when you feel like you cant do anything. obviously, you shouldnt live like that every day, and you should try to branch out more, but if you ever get stuck please try to take care of yourself! and if this helps im really glad! it helps me! oh and finally -- if youre feeling like this and you havent already, please reach out for support because you literally need it. talking to myself because im still not in therapy but im forcing myself to start this summer because c’mon man this is ridiculous. kbye<3!

15 february 2021 (end of the day side note - there’s a lot of writing for today. sorry)

12:49am - i forgot i have a therapy appointment today. it’s at 1pm though so i shouldnt have to set an alarm. im supposed to bring something up, but i’m simply too scared to do so. i know i should probably just get it dont and over with though. im not feeling too well emotionally, but thats just how a regular night goes.

i’m almost done with an anime ive been watching, and i can say confidently that its my favorite one ive watched so far.

3:32am - when you’re tired how you really feel shows through (sometimes). i think i said that yesterday... anyway, not the point. i think that may be why nighttime is so painful for me. not only that but the silence, darkness... idkk. im thinking a lot tonight but im not gonna let it affrct me. im just gonna set some rest instead

3:45pm - i slept past my therapy appointment by 10 minutes :’) sighhh. it got rescheduled to next monday. kinda feel bad, not gonna lie.

6:00pm - i finished my animee. the ending was suchh a good one. there’s a reawakened version of it, so i’ll start that next.

8:36pm - in 2017 my family went to florida for a christmas vacation. we went to a few cities. in the first city, we stayed at a hotel that looked and was modeled like an apartment complex. i don’t know if this feeling like this is rational, but staying in that hotel made me feel like my family wasn’t struggling financially. it made me feel... some sort of middle class. the hotel was a few streets from the core of the city, too. it made me realize the life that i want in the future. i want to live in a nice apartment complex in the city. how am i going to get there? i have no fucking clue. i think i want to work in a book shop or some other store in a shopping mall. i thought about a library, but i have a fear of them when i get too far into the aisles. fast food is just... i think that it would make me overwhelmed way too easy; thinking about it gives me anxiety. a book store, the one in my town is never too busy and is nice to be in. i feel like a clothes store would be nice to work in too. i have a few options, but i will have to wait a few more months until i’m 16. i feel like starting a job during covid is kinda weird, too. i dont knowww. i want to start changing, y’know? i want to start becoming a person i want to be because i’m realizing that i want a future. i know that i can’t see it now, but i’ll be able to see it eventually. 

that’s what i’m going to live for, to see a future for myself and to see it (hopefully) come to life.

11:11pm - i asked my mom to help me get on track with my weight. i feel like working on this will help my motivation get better, and a higher motivation (to me) means i’ll be happier and more productive. of course, depression does cause demotivation, so i will have some days that will be difficult, but i plan to push through them. i want... i want to get out of this loop of self hatred. i know that my weight and stuff isnt the only thing that i need to focus on. for example, my grades arent looking good. actually, it’s only my math grade.

my math grade isnt well because 1. i dont watch the videos my teacher makes because of his voice. his voice reminds me of a teacher i had a few years ago that violated me. 2. i forget to do assignments and 3. i just dont understand math. i’ve had friends help me, and i understand while they help me, but i try to do it on my own and i dont remember what ive done. i’m not sure how to fix this. however, even though i dont know the material, while i do the homework, i (usually) teach myself how to do it. i also have test anxiety still, even though im doing it online.

okkay, i’m going to stop ranting now. i feel like today was a good day. i’m starting to help myself, and i’m going to start pushing forward even if i dont see the finishline.

BTS as Kingsman (Seokjin)

-Literally a whole dad. Like super supportive of new trainees and then always becomes a mentor to the newest member. Hes kinda good at judging people

-Its gotten to the point where whenever they have a new batch of trainess he can basically guess whos in and whos going to be out. AND HES NEVER WRONG

-Like ‘ that one is too confident i think he’ll be out when we toss him out of a plane and make him work with the others. Next’

-‘That one just busted DOWN A DOOR WITH HIS SHOULDER FUCK YEAH KID YOURE IN’ (good job lancelot!!)

-Codename: Galahad

-Jin really likes being more of a tech guy instead of being in the field.

-Like yeah i can hack into the any security system and delete anything theyve got or obtain top secret government files without being detected on their system but dont ask me to punch a guy in his throat

-Like i will if i HAVE TO but ask lancelot first he’ll punch anyones throat so leave me here

-So basically one day arthur is like ‘hey galahad we kinda need you to hack into the United States Governments files’ and jin just

-‘Okay sure’

-So jin gets to it and hes typing at the speed of light and there are a bunch of numbers and letters on the screen and jins just chilling because of course hes got this in the bag hes done this like a hundred times

-And he finally pushes enter (dramatically might i add) because that always gets him right in and he turns in his swivel chair and hes like ‘what do you need arthur’

-But arthur is like ‘umm bro’ and hes pointing at the computer and jin turns around and HIS EYES ALMOST POP OUT OF THEIR SOCKETS

-He! Has! Been! Detected! And! Blocked! Out! Of! The! Archives! And! Databases!

-How did this happen@@@@@@@

-Jin just kind of gets this determined look in his face and suddenly hes typing faster than before (if thats even possible)

-‘Galahad whats going on?’

-‘Something is keeping me out but that should be impossible because...because...well just because i know what im doing and they shouldnt be able to trace anything back to me and what is going on’

-Jin is like working overtime on his computer like how does he type that fast how is he even reading the things that come up on screen if they disappear in .2 seconds what is this

-‘Okay okay no need to panic its probably just like a firewall or something’

-Jin stops everything and glares at arthur

-‘Are you kidding me? You think of all things a measly firewall will stop me. This sint a firewall.Its not even some bot system either because its too slow. This is like human speed blocking.’

-Suddenly jins screen goes completely black.

-Both men are confused bc umm whats going on

-A loading bar appears at the top of the screen and suddenly some kind of I.M. window pops up.

-Jin tries to click the x in the top right corner to close the window but nothing happens.

-Instead in the bottom left corner there are three dots and the words

-‘Y/N’ is typing…’

-The message that pops up leaves jin red in the face

-‘Is someone being a bad boy?’

-Arthur is laughing because ‘did your computer really get some kind of freaky virus from waching porn’

-‘I DONT DO THAT ON THIS ONE’

-‘I really need you…’

-Jin frantically pushes the x but it still doesnt work

-‘TO STOP TRYING TO HACK THE US GOVERNMENT’

-Both arthur and galahad stop what theyre doing umm this is a little too real

-‘Are you going to respond?’

-‘I know youre reading these’

-‘I can see you right now’

-There is literally no way you can see them because theyre in hq which is a mansion in the middle of nowhere

-Another window pops up on the screen and its jin like in real time and he realizes its the image from the camera on his computer and oh my gosh someone is hacking into the hackers computer what the heck

-‘This is a warning. Don’t try to hack the government again because I will find you. Have fun.’

-The screen goes black again and when it light up lo and behold its on A PORN SITE lol arthur is dying in the background bc galahad just got out hacked.

-Jin is still shocked by the fact that someone was capable of doing this to him. Like there is someone out there that can really get into their system despite jin taking every precaution and making it nearly impossible to hack

-Jin shuts off his computer and just kinda flops onto the ground because what the heck

-2 WEEKS LATER LETS TRY THIS AGAIN GALAHAD

-Sure enough  jin still cant get into the database and the I.M. window pops up again

-‘I literally warned you’

-Jin kinda hesitates a little because should he respond or...

-‘How did you know it was the same person’

-‘I told you. I can see you’

-‘HOW’

-‘I dont hack and tell baby.’

-Jin is taken back?? Um baby? Hes no baby. Hes not your baby. Is he your baby?!?!?! Mom???????

-This goes on for like a while. Like jin tries to get into the files but hes always stopped by you and then you guys have  a lil conversation and jin starts trying to hack more often just becuase…

-He wants to talk to you a little bit?

-Like he genuinely begins to worry about himself because does he like someone thats preventing him from doing his job? Have you become a part of his daily routine? Can he separate himself from you?? Its like a criminal falling in love with a cop basically.

-You also let your guard down a little bit like he already knows your name and birthday and about your dog. You dont tell anyone about your dog. Bc hes yours. Your! Dog! But this guy trying to hack into the US government knows about him what have you done.

-You decide its time for a break from this whole hacker blocking thing so you tell your boss and he assigns someone else to this case.

-Yeah its a case.

-The gov. has been trying to figure out who is getting into their files and you were put in charge but clearly its proving more difficult than you thought bc you have grown attached and if he gets caughts then you wont be able to talk to him anymore

-Youve figured out for the most part where he is located but you havent reported it to your boss because...because you cant…

-So now theyve got someone else trying to figure out what you already know

-The day you decide to take your break jin also decided he wants to talk to you and there he goes trying to hack again. He pushes anter and waits for the screen to go black like it has for the last few weeks.

-But it doesnt??

-Hes suddenly in the governments files…?

-Jin is kind of of worried like umm where is Y/N and why didnt she stop me from doing this.

-So jin has no idea what to do now because for the next week he keeps getting into the files and its like you disappeared from the internet and all of a sudden he gets an idea

-Like hes got these government files so if you work for the government they must have some information on you right???

-He searches your first name and a few different people pop up then he narrows it down to one by looking at the birthday and there you are in all your glory.

A picture of you that makes jin’s heart skip a few beats followed by 

Name: L/N, F/N 

Age: 24

Department: Cybersecurity 

and right there...your address…

-Seokjin swallows hard before he scribbles the address down on a piece of paper.

-Hes out of his chair before he knows it and nobody has time to question him when he says hes going out into the field to gain some valuable information

-AND THATS HOW HE ENDS UP on an airplane to your location at 9 pm.

-One five hour flight and a one hour taxi drive later jin is standing outside what he assumes is your house at 3 in the morning

-He hesitantly knocks on the door and waits.

-You are woken up from your good night of sleep by a knock on the door and when you look at the time youre like umm who is here at 3 am and why, oh wait you think you know why

-You shuffle downstairs slowly

-You swallow hard and open the door. The person you see on the other side doesnt startle you bc oh my gosh this is the hacker man ive possible fallen in love with even though technically im supposed to be throwing him in jail oh my gosh

-And you deliberately let him find out your location in hopes that he’d show up but you didnt think he’d be here so soon

-Maybe this was a bad idea

-OH GOD HES HOTTER IN REAL LIFE. TRUE WORLDWIDE HANDSOME.

-Your mind is nearly blank but somehow you manage to play it cool

-‘I wasn’t expecting you so soon’

-Jin is ??????? you were expecting him???

-‘I didnt think you’d let your guard down long enough that i would figure out your address.’ jin plays it off cool with a little smirk that makes you want to pounce on him

-‘Oh baby...its so cute you think you could have actually found me.’

-Jin raises an eyebrow in confusion

-‘Don’t try to fool yourself. I let you find me.’ the way your bottom lip juts out slightly is enough to make jin lose it

-he is impossibly entranced by you bc not only can you out hack him but you also outsmart him and out-hot(?) him and everything in between.

-He literally cannot hold himself back he just kinda goes for it like a full on dizzying, heated, passionate, swollen lips and flushed faces type of kiss.

-And that is how you managed to get yourself a kingsman boyfriend.

A/N: Sorry if this one is a little bad its just kind of what comes out of my mind. 

For Want of a Nail, the Kin was Lost

    Exactly two weeks ago, the world had entered the Darkest Timeline. Andrew Hussie, creator of Homestuck, had died from a heart attack at the ripe old age of sixty nine, and, as he had passed to the underworld, his creations had passed from the underworld to Earth. The constellations glittering in the sky, once beacons of hope, had loosened their chains and come down in order to destroy the world. The twelve trolls of Homestuck were alive, and they wanted humanity dead.

Story continued under the cut (cw: violence, death, gore)

    Using their god-like powers, they first targeted power plants and the homes of world leaders. Then they came for the fans. They recruited readers of Homestuck in order to help them destroy Earth. Every one of them had agreed and had immediately sworn their loyalty. 

    Along with their rampages came another change. Everyone, overnight, had had their appearance changed to match that of their assigned zodiac kin. Deku, as far as he could tell, was a Vriska. He was pretty sure that his zodiac sign was Cancer, but maybe his birthday was on an edge day.

    Deku had spent the first week hiding in his basement reading the entirety of Homestuck. His house had then been burned down by a rampant Sollux. Most of the city had been, actually. The only safe spots now were shelters with closely guarded locations.

    He had spent the past few days wandering through the ravaged streets, searching for the location to a safehouse. The heat of the day beat down heavy against his cloak, but he dare not take it off in fear of burning his gray skin. According to a nearby spray-painted billboard, a brave Tavros had set up shop inside the EBGames he was standing in front of.

    The surface was mostly bare during the day, but Deku was still cautious. He did a quick search of the surrounding parking lot before entering the lobby.

    The doorbell chimed as he wiggled his way in. Deku pulled down his hood and waved at the Tavros.

    "What are you in for today?" The Tavros wasn’t in character. Phew. Only those who had had quirks beforehand spoke with their typing quirk.

    "Some food and a safe house, ideally." Deku turned and scanned the shelf that had used to house Nintendo games. It had a couple copies of the physical editions of Homestuck, along with a few handbooks for ‘your new troll body and you’. Deku sighed at the sight of them.

    He heard a few thumps and some swearing, and turned around to find the Tavros bumping his wide horns against the door-frame of the back room. Ouch. Deku feigned interest in the handbooks to help the guy’s self esteem.

    Along with the appearance and typing quirk of your assigned kin, you also gained their powers. Deku had been ecstatic at the news, but then, as always, inevitably disappointed, as it turned out that it only replaced your old quirk instead of fitting you with a new one. He was still powerless in a society filled with superheroes. Er, trolls. Quirk-having trolls were indistinguishable from the originals in every way other than their height, lack of limited immortality, attitude, and blood. Thankfully, everyone had kept their blood.

    Tavros, having managed to not hit his horns this time, came back into the room carrying a couple loaves of bread and a map. "That'll be seventy dollars."

    Shit. He didn't have any money. He didn't have any powers, either. The only thing Deku had, aside from his pure charisma and perceptiveness, was a bunch of weird paper that he had stolen while committing tax fraud. Wait. That's money. Deku paid quietly for the goods and then sat on the floor and took a bite of his spoils. Judging from the map, the safe house was three or four blocks away and pretty well guarded.

    By the time he was finished memorizing the route, he had hungrily wolfed down an entire loaf of Wonder bread without noticing. Grabbing the remaining two loaves, he rolled up the map, pulled his faded orange hood back up, and left.

    The constant surveillance of his surroundings turned a five minute walk into twenty, but it paid dividends. The original route shown on the map was crawling with Eridans looking for someone to take out their anger out on.

    Happy with his avoidance of a close call, Deku examined his surroundings. The outside of the base was relatively hidden. It resembled a normal, beaten-up subway entrance. However, the bottom of the stairway was blocked off with metal and presumably, bullet proof glass with an open hole a the bottom, like at the movie theatres, or maybe a dentist. What were dentists hiding from? He would need to think about this immediately. He had time: there was a sign about someone being "OUT FOR LUNCH."

    Just then, his phone went off. Labelled as the caller: "(Vriska)." Not one for dramatic pauses, Deku answered immediately.

    The voice sounded female. It was hard to tell, because all they were saying was ‘doot’ over and over to the tune of some song that Deku didn't know. The audio quality was pretty bad too, like if someone made a SBAHJ podcast and then made it shittier. He hung up.

    It was another ten minutes before someone came out. The Terezi had her hair cut short, and her left horn was chipped. She sat down in a chair in the booth and waved.   

    "N4M3??" Like eighty percent of the population, she had a quirk.

    "Previously Izuku Midoriya. Currently assigned Vriska. Forgive me if I don't remove the hood."

    "USU4LLY W3 CH3CK TH3 BLOOD OF SOM3ON3 B3FOR3 L3TT1NG TH3M 1N TO S33 TH3 BOSS BUT 1N YOUR C4S3 1T SHOULDNT M4TT3R."

    Deku found that unsettling, but free room and board is free room and board, so he didn't question it. Terezi leaned back in her chair and slapped a button on the wall. The window between them swung open and Deku jumped back to avoid it.

    “COM3 ON 1N.” Terezi moved her chair over to the side, and Deku saw that the interior was much larger than he had thought. It was a little bigger than a supply closet, and had pictures of various Homestuck characters plastered along the walls.

    The space felt personal, so Deku didn’t lag behind when Terezi left down a hallway to the side.

    After a short walk, the hallway opened up into an abandoned underground parking garage. The sturdy concrete walls were covered in graffiti, and most of the cars had doors busted open. Trolls from most of the hemospectrum were lazing around, talking and sleeping. All of them except for Cerulean bloods. 

    Maybe he should get to know the person—troll—currently leading him away from any witnesses.

    Start simple. “Are Terezi’s powers any fun to use? I never had a quirk, so I’ll never get to experiment with mind-”

    “1 DONT H4V3 4 QU1RK.”

    “You don’t? Then why the typing quirk?” He would never have thought he would be having this kind of conversation.

    “1 US3D TO K1N T3R3Z1. 1M V3RY S3NS1T1V3 4BOUT 1T.”

    “I understand.” Deku did not understand, but he did not doubt for a moment that the 5’1” Terezi beside him could kill him instantly, even without a quirk.

    Looping around cars, Terezi led him into another hallway, barking at some of the other trolls to keep it down during sleeping hours. They passed a few kitchens and supply closets, until winding up at an oak door.

    "PL34S3 CLOS3 TH3 DOOR B3FOR3 YOU ST4RT BL33DING."

    Deku hoped that she was joking. He took a breath in and opened the door.

    An older-looking troll with long, tangled black hair sat in front of him. She wore a faded yellow robe with a sun poorly embroidered on it. Her tired face glowed a soft blue, and it scrunched up in seething hatred once all eight of her eyes saw who—what—he was.

    Vriska shot her hand out towards him. Dice spilled out, zapping in the air and glowing brightly. "No dou8les!!!!!!!!!"

    Deku pulled his hood on and ducked, narrowly avoiding certain death. "Wait!” Reminded of his conversation from earlier, he decided to lie. “I'm not a Vriska,” he said. "I'm a (Vriska). Completely different."

    Vriska motioned for him to sit down. "Let's talk. And close the door 8ehind you."

 It had been a few weeks since Deku had joined the underground group. He was sitting with the Terezi and Vriska he had met on the first day, conversing about possible long-term solutions to food shortages. It was difficult because they kept getting distracted and making out instead of getting work done.

    “If we were to grow our own food above ground, we’d run the risk of being—er, 8eing tracked-” Deku cut himself off. A nearby Karkat had a knife in his hand. “Did you guys check everyone’s blood? I think that Karkat is about to kill someone.”

    They stopped kissing and looked over to where Deku was pointing. Vriska reached into her bag and started rummaging through it. “First of all, not a dude. Second of all, o8viously I checked them all.”

    Vriska pulled out a handful of dice and a tube of red chap-stick. Terezi gratefully took the chap-stick, biting into it like a Popsicle. They both stood up.

    “WH4T 4R3 YOU DO1NG?” asked Terezi.

    The Karkat smiled. “NOTHING.” He proceeded to walk over to a sleeping Sollux and pat him on the head.

    “I have a new way to solve our food shortage. Reduce damand.” Vriska flung out her dice towards the red-tinged troll. They flashed and spun, until hitting the ground to reveal the damage count. Because of her luck, it was the maximum possible. Lightning shot out of the die and phased through the Karkat, killing him instantly.

    Except, he wasn’t dead. He peeled himself off the pavement and dusted himself off.

    Terezi turned towards Deku and Vriska. “OK4Y 1 TH1NK 1V3 FOUND TH3 PROBL3M. K4RK4T H4S MUT4NT BLOOD. TH4T 1S TO S4Y HUM4N BLOOD.”

    Karkat nodded, as if to approve the theory. Apparently a blood test doesn't work if the one you're trying to find has freakishly normal human blood.

    Vriska facepalmed. “This is so unfair. He never 8ecame a god in the alpha timeline!!!!!!!!”

    The floor rumbled softly, and the roof started to crack and splinter. Beams of energy shot through the roof, and a large part of it collapsed. Hundreds of trolls streamed through the hole, carrying weaponry and a thirst for destruction. Homestucks.  Did they not realize this conquest would result in the demise of humanity?

    Initially filling the area with deafening shouting and pushing, they soon fell silent. A troll in a bright yellow robe floated above them, staring directly at the trio.

    “It’s 8eneath me to ask nicely, 8ut please kill each other so that we don’t have to waste time.” She flipped her long black hair as if it were a simple request.

    Deku, unsurprisingly, liked being alive. “What happens if we don’t?”

    An enthusiastic Nepeta pulled out a gun and pointed it at him.

    "Calm down. I'll deal with this 8ozo myself." Deku realized that floating above him was Her. The original Vriska.

    He was doomed.

    Vriska pulled out dice from her pocket and started playing with them in her hand. “I h8 doubles, 8ut I’ll give you one chance at redemption. Prove yourself a real fan and I’ll let you join my army.”

    Deku considered his answer carefully. He didn’t have a lot of options. Better to go with something tried and true rather than lose at a Homestuck trivia contest. If it worked once, why not again? "I'm actually the original (Vriska). Don't kill me."

    "It seems unlikely. Karkat, test her 8lood."

    Okay yeah he was definitely doomed. Why did Vriska have to take basic safety precautions?

    Karkat’s knife dripped with the yellow blood of a Sollux, and Deku cringed at the sight. Karkat came close to Deku, and took his arm in one hand. He carefully grazed the knife along Deku’s skin, letting the blood drip out for all to see.

    Cerulean blood. 

    He was safe. But he was (Vriska)... And if he was (Vriska), then who was phone????????

i dont really have the highest hopes for making the goal i had for school odds are i fail a class, do poorly in another or two, and maybe get by decently in one of them i really regret doing online courses since it always goes back to “oh i missed that because it wasn’t posted,” “oh the professors don’t use the news alert system when new stuff is added with a concise explanation of what I need to do in that post blurb that’s 3500 words of bs,” “oh i didnt realize this awkward and uncomfortable ‘post your personal assignments here that are about yourself so a bunch of strangers can also read and criticize it’ was required,” “the syllabus is written out of order, it’s messy and has a bunch of color code usage that’s never explained and makes reading it harder and, oh, they want me to print it out too bad i dont have a fucking printer and looking at it makes me want to throw up since it’s literally just everything put up on a page and i just start panicking because its so much stuff and it immediately overwhelms me” i also fuckin hate the professors who’ll say like “if you’re here just to get a degree you’re in the wrong place” b/c it’s like college costs a lot of fuckin money and you can bet your ass the only reason im here is to get a degree so i can eventually have a job that lets me be financially stable. trying to say “oh it’s just for funtime education” is bullshit when it costs what it does and isn’t even accessible to everyone from the get-go. i could learn the exact same shit for free from a fucking library and the internet, and talk to people i know if i have questions about material. but that doesn’t give me the piece of paper i need. idk i wish there was more of a “oh i can go do this and be fine financially” rather than needing to spend years in a university because i really hate it. i *wish* i hadn’t fucked up before and been as suicidal and couldve got through it *before* its used as a “yea we can’t have you here cuz you dropped out in the past” *even when* it’s an associated school with the one i *did* drop out of and they told me they *would* re-accept me when i was healthier. no im not a great student. i get overwhelmed really easily, i stress out over everything too much, i break down if i miss one assignment. i dont do well on the shit i actually try really hard at. i dont participate in class because it’s a terrifying experience to be called a fucking “idiot” again by a professor (ty philosopher dickhead at uwgb im gonna fucking punch you if i ever see you) i *forget* about assignments a *lot* and *yes* that’s a *my* problem thing but it’s something so extremely difficult to work around without having someone telling me about it, or just having a visible schedule written down about what’s due on a front page that always pops up. which i mean yeah it’s extra work i guess for the professor to just copy paste some info that’d really help me out, and no i dont have this issue as much in a traditional school b/c i actually *go* to the classes to sit in and be reminded through that. and yea im probly gonna fail out unless the other university sighs and says “well she did try and it was online” and ngl i probably would be *fine* in a regular classroom oriented thing *now* it’s more organized and there’s a schedule i can keep to and get into and when i get *into* a schedule i stick to it 100% b/c i derive a sense of security, existence and safety from having schedules. but if i fail out and they dont sigh and say “okay” then im kinda fucked. i mean, i could probably attempt to get through another year there and maybe go to the actual school instead of the online bullshit and *maybe* then i’d actually meet the reqs. but idk if that offer is gonna stand after this year. and idk im just back to feeling really fucking hopeless and empty. i mean ive been feeling this way all this month. i feel like nothings fucking worth it because i feel like i just cant do it. and that ultimately im gonna end up fucked. and i *know* im 90% of the problem. i *know* my thinking of “what’s the point” is screwing me over. i *know* accidentally falling asleep an staying asleep for a whole day is a fucking issue. i *know* i shouldnt forget important shit i need to do. i *know* i should participate no matter how fucking uncomfortable and frightened it makes me. but it feels fucking *impossible* to work with 0 energy. it feels terrifying to be asked “write an introspective piece about yourself and reflect on the events of your life that made you who you are today” BECAUSE i dont talk about THAT STUFF to people I DONT KNOW i *BARELY* covered those topics in *therapy* because of how uncomfortable they make me. and I DONT need a bunch of strangers in a class knowing the shit that happened to me. and fuck i feel like the entire idea behind the writing assignment was “oh this’ll be fun haha” but it’s like... remembering *most of the shit hat directly impacted how i am today* is one of the most fucking difficult things for me to do, especially publicly. i *regret* online schooling. i didnt realize how much i dont work with it until i thought about it this year. i get overwhelmed. i get stressed. i get depressed. i get suicidal. i get hopeless. i feel useless. i didnt realize i *need* to actually *go* to a class because it helps with the isolation i put myself in. because i straight up actually understand shit when someone is actually explaining it to me and not just handing me a textbook and saying “read it that’s it that’s the entire class, but oh, write an informed paper structured off what you read and if you dont understand the material well go fuck yourself i guess.” and in actually *going* there to a physical room it becomes easier to do things like homework and assignments *because i can walk over to the library*. what *really* shit on my previous school ability was like i was overwhelmed (we *just* moved to a *completely* different state and environment, i *just* had a series of panic attacks in italy b/c i thought i could handle it on my own) and the first school didn’t have a/c and it was fucking 101 outside every day and i dont do well in heat, and by that, i mean i hyperventilate, i get dizzy, i get lightheaded, i get emotional and frightened and stressed and cant sleep. the professor who asked if we read the chapter (I DID) and then pointed at me to explain what i read (I DIDNT FUCKING UNDERSTAND IT), and when i finished he just laughed and told me to sit down and pretty much called me an idiot in front of everyone and i started crying. (i also got a 0 so i failed the reading since he didnt believe i read it). at *that* school there were no therapy or counseling or offers like that. the art building made me cry and feel unsafe (i couldnt control it), having to walk *all* the way back to my dorm building at 12AM b/c that’s when my one class ended was *terrifying* then in a different school it was just i had a class that made me physically uncomfortable to be in. i *hated* being in the freshman course for feminism so much. not b/c i hate the material, but i felt so “other” and uncomfortable b/c im a trans woman being asked about my male perspective on shit and i just. i remember leaving because i just felt upset and depressed and i couldn’t get over the really bad dysphoria i kept having in that class (the professor there was the reason i went to counseling on campus, she’s the one who referred me to it in the first place). on top of that, the dorm i was told id be getting was a fucking lie. i was supposed to have one or 0 roommates. i got 5 roommates. beds didn’t fit me b/c of my height (i slept with the back of my feet on an iron bar). the food was straight fucking garbage. one of my roommates just randomly touched me all the time. hugged me, put arms around my neck, *kissed my cheek*. another was always drunk and loud. another talked about making bombs incessantly. one of them seemed actually concerned about me and he came in once or twice when i was face down on my bed just not moving b/c of therapy sessions and talked to me once or twice to make sure i was still alive. friday mornings in winter id be up at 5AM, trying to get ready without waking any of the 5 other people, then walk outside with no access to breakfast/coffee/anything (b/c too early) to get to a class across and off the campus i had to walk to (and when snow was present my feet were numb b/c of all the water that got into my shoes). and then there was the legit getting 4 hours of sleep if that a week. eating basically nothing. extremely suicidal and getting to the point where i was having days where i legitimately could not discern what was real and wasn’t. and then i left ‘cuz my other option was to be hospitalized. from there its just been attempts at online schools. which i already tiraded about above. i mean fuck id be happy if i *could* just go work in retail and make a decent wage and not have to work every waking hour of my life to make it work. like. i *wish* i was lucky enough to be one of those “i had no degree but x really liked my resume” stories i always read about. i *wish* writing and publishing a book was considered and *was* a viable career option without needing to get really fucking lucky. im passionate about writing fiction, but in order to do that professionally, i need a 4 year degree from an institution. i can technically publish something, but if no one ever hears about it or cares, then it doesn’t become a job to have and it does little else. and then there’s also just a lot of irl shit i keep worrying about and dwelling on and nearly making some really fucked up or stupid decisions in the interim. and idk i just i wish i was one of those ppl who felt like they had a future and aren’t likely to die before age 25. or one of those people who just *does* something and it works out and they get to exist.

I'm a freshman who was between majoring in mol and another thing- I took chm 201 this semester, wasn't doing so well and decided to drop the mol thing altogether in favor of another major. Even when I thought I was doing mol I never wanted to go to med school so I wasn't super worried about my GPA. Now though, studying for the final I'm realizing that the material actually makes a lot of sense and I would've done better if I actually kept up with the work all semester. Now I'm wondering (1/2)

(2/2) if I should do MOL, and possibly even consider med school. (I would have to totally change my semester schedule now which is why this is important!) However, my grades from this semester aren't great- one definite B-, 2 B's/B-'s and hopefully one A/ A-. Any chance of my gpa recovering in a way that would let me be competitive for med schools if I work my ass off for the rest of college, or should I just give up before I start ??

Response from Katara:

Sorry for the delayed response, finals. I definitely dont think you should drop mol after not liking/not doing well in one semester of gen chem. Im assuming youre a frosh? First off you, 7 more semesters to off set one of not stellar grades (even though youre grades are fine and you should be proud of completing your first semester at Princeton!) Either way, the chance of recovery for med school I would say is 100%, you definitely have a shot at med school. PIcking a major can be difficult, but you shouldnt assign mol and premed to go hand and hand, they can certainly be separate. You could do any major and be premed, although some majors are more difficult to balance than others, so do no feel constrained to being a mol premed. Explore courses and see what you like. And Do NOT give up before you start or you could be missing out on an amazing career path. Visit HPA, speak to advisors to help you craft your path. I think if youre still considering premed or mol at all you should continue to take premed courses so you wont have to backtrack if you decide later. 

Days and days and days

thats how it happens

You pracitice something for days and then it becomes yours. Little by little the pieces get put into place and at least your learing and there and figuring it all out. This is the post where I dont give a fuck about spelling errors

sorry bitches

cardi b is the voice of a geneation of girls who need to own themselves

what the fuck did I just listen to

That girl has power, stamina, timing, and intellegence.

get.it.

I think thtere are definte differences between white and black culture and I always feel like I should be speaking up for the female tomboi lesbian population.

There thats it. 

Ugh, still figuring out how to get the difficult stuff into words that are articulate and coherent. Its a process

But again that’s where the practice comes in right.

I can do this for 30 days and then 30 days after that. At some point things will get done

I learend alot about what we can do in a moment tonight onestage. There is a lot of milage in the non verbal scenes when taken at the right time

Now I need to find / create a track that has a slow build into what is a cool song that is obviously pointing in the direction of sex. I’m thinking Erykah Badu’s I Want You and creating a beginning that uses the breathing as a slow build. There needs to be a chord or something underneath it that overwhelms the theatre.

How can I get 3 channels out of my little mini board. Ugh my kingdom to own my own motu. Universe! I need another 8 channel motu to work with please. Maybe I can buy one? I should check in with ebay to see if they have one that I could snag. Then that would make my life a heck of a lot easier cause then I can jump through the LCS and just assign and direct via Qlab.

I only want to have on my station 

my computer

a mixer

a guitar stand

a motu

a horn place

my dj stand

wireless router 

The computer needs to go to 8 channels 

The mixer needs to hook up to the sound system

I need a boom box (or maybe just one with a jambox in it)

I need a speaker on my desk

I need a power strip (computer, mixer, motu, wireless, jambox)

I need a way to hook up to the main system with 10 sends

8 from my computer as playback on Qlab

2 from my mixer that will mix the microphone(s) 1 wired, and 2 wireless, My guitar insert, 

I’m thinking about how I can get the speaker on my desk to play. What would that be? How can I cue that and will I need a seperate line. How many can I get milage out of. I really just need to sit with the system and wrap my mind around how it works, I will do this on Tuesday with my full effort. Maybe I can get a place in pasadena that will be a short distance and that way I can just be in the area. I want to manifest a low rent space in pasadena that would be nice

I havent also figured out my connection but I think I’m getting closer to what the show should be. Tonight I tried to start a remix of Childish Gambino’s Redbone. That jam is my JAM it is so good and I think a very chill transition thing if I can remix it. I just need to tamper with the timing and everything and make a loop or sample that is perfect for the show. you already started to do it with the beginning and now you just need to expand it elsewhere. 

How long do you have to wait after rinsing out your mouth to start eating or drinking stuff again I always forget 

I had a great meeting with paul today.

I apparently am going to learn how to play the trombone

I need to message my friend and ask for help with the following

Desire on the soprano trombone

supersition on guitar

come together 

a beat for desire as a secondline

I need to listen to secondline beats and then match the trombone part to it

I can probably just look up the chords to the various tunes but maybe getting input on how to arrainge the frets though I could probably just look up the different ways to play it and then go from there.

I am again stressing about my right hand no being so good at typing

I think that practice is just doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results

I heard that before and it stuck with me

I am astounded at what humans can do all the time

I think we are really fascinating and I can’t believe that the culmination of it all is like out of some terrible 90′s movie about a future dystopia in which the media and entertainment industries have taken over. What is that about. 

Why have we not learned to work with the planet. How can we be multiplying so fast and now learn to sustain ourselves. Who are we and what are we doing here. And what are these connections we feel with one another. and why is sometimes one so strong and the other not and what is love baby dont hurt me no more

I sometimes get carried away with the spiral of the human condition. I give a lot of words to my explainations and I probably shouldnt be shy about that

These are the ramblings of a girl growing up

I never wanted to be a girl though.

And I have feelings about not seeing that but they are at conflict with the fact that I have seen other girls who look like what I used to look like and so I should probably stand down because it is time for a different civil movement. AND I can also create the movement if I write a good enough script for representaion. I would like to be involved in more projects that represented more people. I like to think that I have a good track record and am constantly supriesed when I find out that others want to do the same and are voicing their stories. I love the lgbt culture I think that there is a utopia out there for that and we had it at one point and I am a little bitter I didn’t get a chance to grow up in that culture but I’m glad for the time I got to spend there and to have met the people that I met because I think it was good for me and I just wish I looked a little more butch. I am working on it. I think its a matter of shrinking my boobs but we’ll see come the end of this apparent 60 day challenge that I;m on. I want to represent queer culture and look good doing it. But also be healthy and not drink after the opening. I won’t drink till the show closes how about that. Unless I do get an apt. close and then maybe when I have the day off the next day but In the meanimte no sir. I can get by on my vape pen and occasional puffs but low dose puffs because I want to be safe driving around this town. I need to stop texing and driving or looking at spoitiy.

omg I recconnected to whitney’s And I will alwaysl love you today. It was magical That lady’s voice oh my god, talent, true talent right there, and that song my god. I wish I had appreciated when it was on the radio back in the day but it was always a slower song and I didnt care because I preferred whiny teenage boys screaming about their adolescens. I should have braved it out and gotten into bikini kill further and discovered i couldve started my own band like they did but I was more interesetd in sports I guess

im doing my best in school but tbh ive gotten to the point where if i dont meet the grade average the actual school wants me to have in order to accept me ive kind of just accepted that i’ll be kinda fucked and try to push through stuff until i give up

idk a lot of it feels like im being set up for failure pretty often. i have a schedule to check things that meets the req to check x times a week but stuff is being assigned on the inbetween days to be due on the days i check and i jsut dont have the time to do it (or there’s a bunch of new guidelines introduced after the posted assignment by four days and by then i already turned in what i did and i get marked down b/c of the late addendum) i regret taking 4 courses and wish i took 3 or 2 but i couldnt do that since the deal was i take a full course load with this school and make a 2.5 minimum to be accepted to the actual, real school. maybe i shouldnt have cowered out of the arrangement i couldve had where i got to the physical school and have physical classes and live in an apartment. b/c. i think if i did that id be doing a lot better in them. i just freaked out b/c i dont do well alone (i get extremely paranoid/scared and with where my mind was going i didnt want to be alone). online just feels really difficult for me. its hard to keep track of everything. its hard to remember where x, y, or z is ‘cuz they’re all buried under seven different links that are different between the classes. sometimes the textbook fails and crashes and you lose all your progress in terms of it keeping track that you’re reading and doing the dumb 30 question quizzes inside of it. so then it’s like another four hours down the drain.   then it’s like “oh this is an easy assignment” and im struggling witht hose and im like “what the fuck is a hard assignment b/c im gonna fail it” i feel like im either going to barely squeak by with the 2.5 or im gonna fail too many things and not make it and then it’s basically kind of well, either i finish the book i have almost done-ish and i get lucky and get to live my actual childhood dream or i take on multiple minimum wage jobs and just hope for the best or make it as far as i can before i give up i want to say i really hate myself for dropping out so much and barely being able to function so many times but sometimes it feels unfair to my own self since it’s mostly depression/anxiety and not having any resources or help. or i get fucked over on something that’s really important to my own mental health and sense of safety. like UWGB: 0 access to counseling or therapy resources until after the allowed drop-out date. Also there, i got singled out and mocked by a professor and i basically started to cry. Also there, i had a class that ended at midnight and had to walk across an unfamiliar campus at night to try and find my dorm and usually was up walking and looking for it until 2AM while being terrified and paranoid the entire time. Also there, dorms weren’t heated or had A/C so i kept overheating in my room and could barely sleep, and nearly collapsed three or four times. then UCD: request a single room for myself or with 1 other roommate, was uncomfortable with the idea of roommates mostly because of me having transgender feelings and the inability to process them properly. i also just like my space and i get worn down and break down when just dealing with too much all the time. instead i was promised a 2 person max room and got the two person max room but with 4 other people (including me there were 6 of us living in a one bedroom... room). i couldnt sleep b/c roommates wouldn’t sleep (they basically drank and yelled all night, or they’d get high at 3AM and 5AM). one of them touched me a lot and got into my space a lot and it made me feel incredibly uncomfortable. i never felt like i had any space and just felt overwhelmed the entire time and got told to fuck off by the housing people multiple times while eating cold tortillas with cold cheese that was melted over it at one point for their lunches/dinners b/c apparently that’s what the meal plan was. i got pretty sick there a couple times. the coffee place basically never gave me soy milk which i kind of need b/c otherwise i might throw up or have incredibly painful stomach pains. i nearly passed out in a class because it was so bad and i started crying at my desk which was when the professor told me to leave b/c it looked like i had the flu. so i stopped drinking coffee there, which made me feel like shit in the morning and completely unaware of everything (almost got hit by two cars trying to get to my 6AM class that was a mile walk away from the dorm, since it was clear across and off the campus). and then from there i became extremely suicidal and told my counselor that every time i stood in front of the train tracks that early up, i considered stepping in front of the train passing through and almost did it once (someone behind me tugged me back b/c they thought i was in the process of tripping). but i got basically no sleep there, most of my memories are really messy and hazy and i barely register what happened a lot of the time b/c i just legitimately couldn’t process things at the time. i went a week where i didnt eat anything and probably got 4 hours of sleep those entire 7 days. all i really remember is feeling dizzy and lightheaded all the time and really hating sunny days because it hurt my eyes and i’d get bad headaches. well and my counselor giving me six dollars to go to the mcdonalds downstairs b/c she wanted me to eat something then online stuff is just... everything is put in gods knows where, the textbooks crash, the website sometimes won’t work, the assignments are put up randomly without notice, everything is a 3,000 word commitment from just the discussions to the papers and it’s jsut overwhelming and tbh a lot of the time i feel unsure if i can even keep up or do it all. and i know if i pass it all then i can go to UC Boulder and hope i have a better experience than the other two universities, or it’s just as bad and i suffer through it until i have a degree so i can actually have a career that lets me actually live. or i fail it all and die in my mid twenties probably.