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andthebeanstalk · 11 months

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Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

#hlep #original #mental health #my sympathies and empathies to anyone who has to rely on this kind of hlep to get what they need.#the people in my life who most need to see this post are my family but even if they did I sincerely doubt they would internalize it #i've tried to break thru to them so many times it makes my head hurt. so i am focusing on boundaries and on finding other forms of support #and this thing i learned today helps me validate those boundaries. the example with the milk was from my therapist.#the example with the towing company was a real thing that happened with my parents a few months ago while I was age 28. 28!#a full adult age! it is so infantilizing as a disabled adult to seek assistance and support from ableist parents.#they were real mad i was mad tho. and the spoons i spent trying to explain it were only the latest in a long line of #huge family-related spoon expenditures. distance and the ability to enforce boundaries helps. haven't talked to sisters for literally the #longest period of my whole life. people really believe that if they love you and try to help you they can do no wrong.#and those people are NOT great allies to the chronically sick folks in their lives.#you can adore someone and still fuck up and hurt them so bad. will your pride refuse to accept what you've done and lash out instead?#or will you have courage and be kind? will you learn and grow? all of us have prejudices and practices we are not yet aware of.#no one is pure. but will you be kind? will you be a good friend? will you grow? i hope i grow. i hope i always make the choice to grow.#i hope with every year i age i get better and better at making people feel the opposite of how my family's ableism has made me feel #i will see them seen and hear them heard and smile at their smiles. make them feel smart and held and strong.#just like i do now but even better! i am always learning better ways to be kind so i don't see why i would stop

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scealaiscoite · 3 months

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coworkers to lovers prompts ˗ˏˋ ꒰ 🍊 ꒱

¹⁾ “hey - in case no-one else’s said it, you’ve been doing some really great work lately. i really apprec- i mean, all of us really appreciate it.”

²⁾ “if you keep putting in nights this late, i think [boss] is gonna start charging you rent.”

³⁾ “stop jumping in whenever you think i need saving! i don’t need defending, and i don’t need you!”

⁴⁾ “you remember how i take my coffee?”

⁵⁾ “you don’t need to keep pushing yourself so hard, you know. we all know how hard you worked to get here - it’s okay to let yourself breathe now.”

⁶⁾ “if you don’t wanna spend the night in a empty house, you could always come over to mine.”

⁷⁾ “normally when you invite me to lunch, it’s with everyone else too. what’s so different about this time that you needed me alone?”

⁸⁾ “don’t tell anyone else, but i like working with you the best.”

⁹⁾ “hey, why are me and [name] being split up? you know we do our best work when we’re together.”

¹⁰⁾ “i figured you wouldn’t have the time, so i went and picked up lunch for you.”

¹¹⁾ “wow, someone’s looking good. who’re you trying to impress?”

¹²⁾ “[other coworker] told me you nearly lost it when they all tried blaming me for what happened. why did you care so much?”

¹³⁾ ��do you make house calls to all of your coworkers when they call in sick, or am i just that special?”

¹⁴⁾ “why are you freezing me out all of a sudden? I thought you were happy I was dating again, and now you act like it pains you to hear about it.”

¹⁵⁾ “until such a time as the two of you can prove that you can work as well on your own as you do together, you’re going to be put on different schedules.”

¹⁶⁾ “why didn’t you tell me you were up for the promotion? did you seriously think i wouldn’t be happy for you?”

¹⁷⁾ “you do know you’ll be seeing me first thing in the morning, right? what’s so important that it couldn’t wait until then?”

¹⁸⁾ “one date, that’s all i’m asking for. one night to let me show you how good we could be together.”

¹⁹⁾ “i think people are starting to notice that you spend more time at my desk than you do at your own.”

²⁰⁾ “no, you don’t get to do this. you don’t get to make me fall in love with you, and then tell me there’s no way for this to work because of the job!”

#i want to gently announce that i predominantly write fic for procedurals and dramas #so these are very likely to reflect the fact that i cannot write an office setting to save my life 💀 i hope they're still of some use lol #prompts #coworkers to lovers #coworkers to lovers prompts #imagine your otp #otp dialogue #otp writing #otp meme #otp prompts #prompt list #writing prompts #dialogue prompts #rp meme

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elation-station · 11 months

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the town bisexuals are at your door it is time for you to pick a bride

#ngl lads i am not happy with this one lmfao #been going thru it so just a doodle #anyway so these are just design ideas #penny is this mousey little woman i see as actually kinda tallish but the kind of tall person who does everything to not appear so #maru is just hot tbh she my engineer wife #really tried something with her face and hope it doesnt look horrible #leah is tall as well and you know shes ripped under that shirt #she'll carry you over the threshold and paint your ceiling like the sistine chapel and dedicate it to you #i am not happyy with how haley came ouuttt she deserves better #like i couldve drawn her beautiful hair good but instead i just didnt. whatver #emily still the love of my life its been established #i cant see abigail as a romantic option ngl i perceive her as an impish quasi teenager who likes getting in trouble #i would be her parent figure and give her life advice and bring her to the mines to fight monsters together #anyway peace #sdv #stardew valley #abigail sdv #emily sdv #haley sdv #leah sdv #maru sdv #penny sdv #stardew valley bachelorettes #art by op

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white-weasel · 3 months

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Looking at the Saw wiki’s page for Jigsaw’s victims gives such major whiplash because the reason for being tested will be like:

killed someone

corrupt cop

abused partner

racist

And then you’ll see shit like:

was a defense attorney and defended people

tried to catch a serial killer

was abused by partner

cared about friends too much

And my personal favorite

unknowingly married a guy who lied about some stuff

#saw #saw series #saw franchise #sawposting #John: you all need to appreciate your life #also John: Joyce you’re here because your husband lied about being a jigsaw victim and even though I know you didn’t know that #you still have to get burned alive and you have no hope of freeing yourself. it’s all up to your husband now. have fun

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clownsuu · 1 year

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Small detour of what I usually post, but I absolutely wish (other) clown the best of luck during these confusing and almost hopeless times- nobody knows how to deal with such amount of attention in such short amount of time- a blessing and a curse to behold

#Seeing their posts absolutely shattered me #I may never be able to relate to how he’s going through rn but at least I can relate to the fear of living in absolute fear #the fear of unable to be yourself in your own home with creative and personal freedom #The fear of being terrified that the thing that gives you the most innocent happiness will be heavily demonized and threatened #The fear of getting caught doing something you love and being yourself with your found identity #The fear of destruction #I relate heavily to this and to feel you are going to be caught doing anything that isn’t a crime hurts #I wish him safety and love during these stressful days #He’s brought so much joy to my life that I must keep private irl too #Whatever he decides for the fandom I will fully support it #I will still continue posting of course unless he wishes otherwise #If he sees this (which I doubt) hey other clown lmao- you are loved and not alone #It may be scary but you are not alone- you will never be alone #There will always be people out there who love you and there will always be those who are not even worth giving time of day #The internet is both a blessing and a cruel cruel unforgiving place #I hope it doesn’t deter you from doing what you love and hold dear #I hope you have anyone you can be with online or in irl that can give you the comfort you need #You deserve peace and security #Do what you feel is best #Welcome home

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chrisbangs · 7 months

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231003 ♡ Happy Birthday Bang Chan!

#chan #bang chan #stray kids #cb97net #createskz #*gfx #*m #long post #all the stars in the sky couldnt compare to how much i love you... thank you forever and for always...#i will be by your side till the sun sets okay?#together always... im happy here with you #you changed my life and made me into a warmer person...#i think im so lucky that the universe led me to you... im so grateful that you exist here with me...#my everything... you are always my brightest sun and i hope to continue to be your moon #how many times can i say thank you till my tongue grows numb it still wouldnt be enough... to say thank you to you #because of you i am here still today... because of your kind words i was able to hold onto who i was that night #im never truly alone because you're always a part of my heart and who i am now.. you exist inside my very heart #you are so truly and deeply a soulmate to me...#i love you... so much..

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hyunpic · 4 months

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2023 year in review with hyunjin [it’s a wrap] 🎉

#hyunjin #skz #stray kids #*with hyune #they are not positioned as they came. i wanted to match him with the hyunpics 🥹#this is not nearly half of the shit they did this year #but a girl can only add so many pics.#2023 marking the year i could actually see u live too.. is crazy it’s so sosososo crazy and it still brings tears to my eyes #waited for it so much and for so long and it blew my expectations away 😣#i keep being so hooked on u year after year and it hasn’t changed at all this year too..#ig im just in this hyunjin shaped ride for life #ilu… i wish i could thank you personally for saving me every year 👍🫠#also happy new year to mutuals and all the other followers 💘 i love u and i appreciate u all and i hope #all the good an lovely things come #to your way in 2024 💖 let’s all assemble in europe when skz comes here heh #<- this is me manifesting.

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whatevahwhatevah · 9 days

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I was inspired by this absolutely amazing piece :,)) I was listening to “We don’t talk anymore” from Charlie Puth while doodling this, so..I don’t know, do what you want with this information haha-

(Another doodle under the read more)

Wife, mother material. Made to be bred till no end, gorgeous bastard creature-

#kyman #post covid #eric cartman #kyle broflovski #implied poly main4 #South Park #heeei…….#its been a while #sorry #I rarely have the time to draw South Park so ;;#im probably gonna appear from time to time and then disappear again #i want to be more active but life is being life and im succumbing to it hah #anyway #i hope you guys are doing good #i still receive a lot of your likes and I appreacite you all so much ughuuuuu #okay now i go for real #byeeeeeeeee #my art

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cubfan-montblanc · 6 months

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we almost had it all.. (tango cleo skizz team up)

#tango and skizz fail to pull any bitches except each other #imagine hoping your fave duos will team up in a series when skizztang shack up with each other every time #life series #trafficblr #life smp #secret life #life series spoilers #tangotek #zombiecleo #skizzleman #gtws #goodtimeswithscar #oh also skizz’s ripped sleeves are actually ruffled lace and tango has a pink ombre #im still hoping for team BTS but idk how much 3 middleaged dads will understand how fucking hilarious it would be to me specifically #if they named themselves that .#made heart foundation pastel boybanded coded for now in case team BTS does indeed come to pass 🤞🏼#art tag #my art

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roominthecastle · 4 months

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Siegfried Farnon is based on eccentric vet Donald Sinclair, who Peter Wright worked closely with in his early career.

"You know, Donald died unexpectedly. And that morning, I remember the phone going, Jim Wight rang me to say Donald's died. Jim said, 'It's going to be a duller world without Donald Sinclair.' By gosh, it was. It has been."

#all creatures great and small #acgas 2020 #the yorkshire vet #samuel west #peter wright #donald sinclair #long post #mine #this was so much fun #and what can be a bigger compliment than hearing those who knew the guy your character is based on #tell you that it's almost like being in his presence again #i dont know sam and im sure he has his faults but he once again comes across as such a genuinely kind and good person #and it makes me so happy #and yes the beard is essential for siegfried but i love that face either way #still if he ever tries to go clean shaven on the show i hope audrey hides his razor w/ as much success as she hid his tobacco #and - understandably - it was skirted on screen but if i remember correctly donald took his own life after real-life audrey died #which i could def see happen (not that i ever wanna mind you) on the show as well given how siegfried was on the verge of going to pieces #and that was 'only' when she was about to move away

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icewindandboringhorror · 1 year

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Just curious what the average level of personal investment in these sorts of things is. Like, how much do people usually get into silly stuff like this their friends ask of them? etc. etc. Which I know, only surveying a small sample on a very specific website means I'm not getting an exact average idea lol, but.. curious nonetheless .. Maybe reblog for bigger sample size but also this is not very serious at all/not worth a call to action gbhjbhjb

#which I know this could be context dependent like.. maybe you'd normally dress up but on a week that #you feel sick you wouldn't or etc. etc. - but I mean.. GENERALLY. in the most general average scenario #where you have the average amount of health and free time that you always do. etc. just based on your personality #and level of investment in these things - what on AVERAGE are you most inclined to do #also of course assume they communicate with you ahead of time and are not like planning a part last minute #like 'throw together costume in 5 hours and show up tonight randomly' or etc. I would hope that if we're going with the #AVERAGE of things - most people's friends have better communication skills than springing entire parties #on people last minute lol #assume you have like.. a few days-a week or so to prepare. however ealrly people usually start talking about #birthdays. In my experience it's usually one or two weeks ahead of time. Like 'oh next weekend' or 'oh two weeks from now' etc.#ANYWAY.. feeling a little Sick again of course but still trying to get some photos or something posted #AGAIN i promise I am not going to exlcusively post polls and ntohing else forever hgkjgnekj #I just really really love the ability to post polls and have always my whole life been obsessed with surveying people #I used to think I wanted to do that as a career somehow like.. be one of the people that does psychological interviews #or produce interview asessments for a company or etc. etc. I am always the one friend in the group thats giving out custom made #surveys or asking for other simialr stuff (did you ever take an mbti quiz? how about enneagra #m?? oh yeah I know they're not really scientifically valid or antyhing but like... DID you take them?? huh?? did you??please?? ghjj)#I simply cannot resist.. posting a little poll every once in a while.. as a treat #whilst I still fall behind on like actual content and costumes and stuff gbjhbjh #New poll adventure should be not as much of a wait as the last one was though since I already have the writing #for it really. I just have to do the ms paint sketch. hopefully no unexpected other health issues will get in the way #*** *** ***#< (anytime I do these three star patterns it is an ocd compulsion not me bleeping out words or something just ignore it lol)#(it means something secret in my evil brain just pretend you do not see it. significant only to me)#BUT YEAH.. ... poll... what type of costume party atendee are you?#:0c

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thegoodthebadandtheart · 4 months

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another year, still drawing people doing things to each other. you might or might not know this but i started working as a doctor this year and i'm happy/proud it hasn't kept me from still drawing my silly little fictional guys. it's not much but it's honest work.

thank you to everyone who's liking, reblogging and commenting on my art! it means everything to me <3

#yia*#a #i guess that sums up most of what happened this year already #i think everyone knows how bad the healthcare system is for workers but - it really is bad out here lol stay safe yall #so many sickly yellows in my picks for this year... what does it all mean #the doctor thing encompasses a bunch of stuff like. being a friggin doctor. doing ENT and liking it like i hoped i would. doing surgeries #earning proper money from a proper full-time job for the first time in my life. doing 24h shifts and being on call.#still haven't finished my thesis and honestly don't know how i'm supposed to with the time i have w/o killing every bit of joy in my life #but thus are the mysteries of existence #the girl with social anxiety who didn't understand starting i.v.s - she's come a long way and i rarely take the time to be proud of it.#also i'm proud of my gay fanart. equally as much i think. so here's YOUR reminder to be proud of YOU.

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trashvampiree · 10 months

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Long awaited...maybe? The Lost Boys Memes Part 4!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!! !!

These are worse quality than before OOPS :( so sorry

(if you care enough to read the tags,,,im hiding stuff in there) (standing in front of you like a deer in headlights)

Let me know which one made you laugh more cause thats what a mf (me) is here for (stares at you with my huge eyes)

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hawnks · 3 months

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The thing about getou and gojo is that they were soulmates. Everyone said they were soulmates. They were the strongest, plural. They came as a pair, were acknowledged as a pair. If gojo could ever love anyone, it would be getou.

So when getou died, gojo realized he truly is alone in this world.

#anyway. THATS why gojo is still hung up on it #imagine going your whole life without anyone you can relate to. anyone you can truly call YOURS #and then you meet the one person you believe you can spend the rest of your life with #you bet all your hopes and dreams on them. you give them all of your love #and then those things die with them

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scattered-winter · 1 year

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there's something sooooooo heartbreaking about quests as a narrative piece. you set out on this journey to rescue someone or defeat a great evil and along the way you face hardship and horror and you grieve and fight and love and lose and then when it's all over you come home. everything is the same as when you left, but you're so irrevocably different that you no longer fit in the one place you used to be truly at peace. you're tired from your journey but you find no rest or recovery, only ghosts. and you almost wish for another quest, another dangerous mission, because at least then you know your purpose.

#hi sorry i just rewatched the lord of the rings trilogy and im in A State #its just. the concept of leaving your home with your 3 friends to go on a quest for something you don't understand.#you're all plucky and full of life and hope.#and then you're beaten down and nearly killed and you don't know if anyone's still alive or if you're the last of your friends left.#and you suffer. oh do you suffer.#and when the battle's over and it's time to come home you don't recognize the person you were when you left.#you're too traumatized and haunted by everything you've seen; everything you've suffered; everything you've done to survive #and you're a ghost in your own home because nobody from your hometown can understand.#and it's so painful and you're so so tired that when you have a chance to move on to leave your friends behind #for the sake of getting some goddamn peace ...#well what else can you do but take it?#im just oughoughoughoughough #this applies to both frodo and bilbo i think #the dichotomy of the scene where bilbo is Leaving the shire (running and shouting for joy because he's going on an ADVENTURE!)#and when he returns (beaten down and grieving and lost. a stranger in his own home.)#literally makes me gnawwww #im feeling some kinda WAY #winter speaks #tropes #on knights #<- rich inner world

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