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jumpscaregoose · 10 months

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ok I'm finally doing it I'm finally drafting up this post. if you've spoken to me about shaman king literally ever or even followed this blog for more than two days you know this one

goose's Renmei Thoughts™ aka:

(thanks @gelatinous-jellyfish for making me this wonderful image a while back)

(quick explanation for everyone unaware, renmei is the canon relationship between iron maiden jeanne and tao ren from the sk sequels. I never explain this in the post but if you want to read it and don't know that's what this is. also I mention this takei guy a lot he's the mangaka)

so pov you're me circa feburary 2022, currently unaware of the kzb manga ending or sequels because you got into sk 6 months ago and the 2021 anime isn't over yet. you're innocently googling your girl jeanne for idk drawing references or whatever and BOOM autocomplete drops the most confusing spoiler of all time on you

that's how I remember finding out renmei exists, and at the time I'm pretty sure I was like "oh this must just be a popular het pairing from the Olden Days or something it'd be ridiculous if that was-" it was it was canon. cue a terrible amount of suffering april 21st 2022 when episode 52 of the new anime aired and it was what it is

of course I was upset but in an attempt to not be That One Annoying Fandom Person I sat down and thought about it and gave the concept the benefit of the doubt for a bit and now I have a pretty solid idea of how I feel about it. my renmei thesis is basically:

well that could have been a good idea but wow did takei completely fumble it

part a why it's not conceptually terrible: this one's really simple it's just that they're both similar characters. I'm anticipating you the reader have actually read/watched shaman king so I'm just gonna present you with the chart I made a few months back

murderous child -> oh shit -> what now it's quite similar

btw this file was named "the.png". that is such an unhelpful file name I had to DIG to find it. wtf past me

basically if it was actually written properly I think we could have gotten some cool things out of a romantic relationship between these two characters. however

part b: we didn't

my favourite way to describe renmei is that it just wasn't written. because it wasn't. across over 300 chapters of mainline and spinoff manga they have maybe four interactions, three of which were after they were already a couple (and the fourth one is that time she raised him from the dead and they didn't speak. does that really even count?). and those three actual interactions were flashbacks and not... actually important. I think one of them was just about cheese. as a reader your experience is

2 characters who never interacted -> literally what the fuck when did that happen -> she's DEAD???

when my friend was reading the manga I had to tell her to reread a scene because the panel where they explain it is such a blink-and-you-miss-it moment

literally the same pacing and payoff as CANON DESTIEL.

their entire actual relationship happens during the downtime between the main manga ending and the sequels beginning. and I'm going to bring osp into this because I think this graphic is helpful

(side note as I was scrolling through this trope talk I noticed a problem red brings up that does apply to the sk sequels but that's for another post...)

this is from the osp trope talk on sequels, and it shows the difference in Stuff Happening levels between plot time (red) and down time (grey). the issue with renmei is that it is an IMPORTANT PLOT EVENT (two characters with little interaction having an entire love story) that happens during DOWN TIME, when the audience only sees things through flashbacks in snippets. and it doesn't help that we never get any flashbacks to before the event happened, before they got together. it's jarring because the ENTIRE THING happens during down time. plot time 1 (the main manga) ends with no interactions between them, and ONE scene that's supposed to set ren up for getting Straight Married that in my opinion didn't work. because it is stupid. plot time 2 (every sequel manga) starts after jeanne's death. it's literally the inciting incident for red crimson. their entire 7+ year relationship is encapsulated in foggy down time, and we're expected to care.

and this especially doesn't work because we aren't set up to care. again, 1 interaction in the main manga, where they don't talk (but I will go to bat for the inherent intimacy of raising someone from the dead like we could have done something there). it's pretty clear to me from rereading the manga that takei didn't know these two would get together when he was writing it. that one scene I mentioned where he tries to set up ren getting Straight Married? if you've read it you know it's incredibly vague and with how takei wrote literally everything else it sure doesn't work as intended. or I'm too aromantic and yaoipilled to understand his literary genius idk. it's clear from some other missed opportunities that the jeanne part of the equation wasn't exactly planned from the beginning. which is even more insulting tbh

part c jeanne character assassination: out of the both of them jeanne really got the short end of the stick in terms of characterization in the sequels. I say this because I actually really like ren in the sequels I like the way takei took his character, so holy shit does sequels jeanne look even worse in comparison. the whole housewife thing is eeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhh, not really a fan of that but I'm also not mad enough to comment. her death I do have some thoughts about. conceptually the beheading herself with shamash thing is BADASS AS HELL and I do like it conceptually, I also know like, the themes. yeah remember that time "atoning for your crimes with your death isn't the right thing to do" was an important part of the plot. TWICE. FUCK THAT I GUESS. there is some equivalent exchange bullshit happening with these two and the continuation of main manga themes and I want it to stop please

part d tao men: one thing I've thought about a lot is Why. why fumble this so badly. why do this at all. what do we get out of this. and the answer is an inciting incident and tao men. and the fumble bag continues because tao men deserved better this is a tao men appreciation account. we could have done some cool shit with his revenge thing but nope fuck that I guess. poor guy

part e contrast: so the sequel manga where renmei is most relevant is red crimson. I absolutely love red crimson I recommend it to everyone. and that's because of jun and pairon (and chapter 9 full transparency). jun and pairon in red crimson have one of the most beautiful relationships I've ever seen. they have an established dynamic and baggage to work through and that's what the manga focuses on. and it works it works really well. however this is also the Renmei Manga, and having most of that stuff right next to jun and pairon just makes it look worse

those are all my renmei thoughts I remembered while writing this post, I think that covers most of it but I may reblog this later with stuff I forgot

#shaman king #the way I will immediately drop everything and rant about them whenever I remember they exist #hi jeanne enjoyers this one's for you

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ryuichirou · 3 years

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Out of all the snk shipping fandoms, which one do you think is the best/most wholesome? And which one is the worst/most toxic? Reminder that we’re talking about fandoms here and not ships (btw even tho I hate ereri I can’t help but love your art about it, it’s just amazing and hilarious, keep it up!)

Interesting question! As you might know, we don’t consider ourselves a part of any shipping fandom (or any fandom in general), so we can only talk about how we (and people we know) were treated by them. There won’t be much of an “inside” experience, because well we’re not “inside” any of these. And a lot of it is “people who ship X tend to shit on Ereri absolutely unprovoked at every chance they get, so we really don’t like them” lol

Obligatory and very obvious: loving a certain ship doesn’t make you a good/bad person, and there are a lot of wholesome people in any shipping fandom: we’ve met a lot of very kind, helpful and open-minded folks during these two years. So if any of you read this and think “oh, I ship X too, and this doesn’t sound like me or my friends at all”, chances are I’m not talking about you. But there’s always a possibility that peeps that you interact with in your shipping circle are pretty nice to you, but super mega shitty to others. Whether you ignore this type of behavior or not is up to you. I just want all the harassment to stop, because frankly we’re very tired.

As someone who ships Ereri, we’ve experienced and witnessed a lot lol especially on twitter. The most vocal ones would be Levihan, Eremin and Eruri fandoms I suppose.

With Eruri fandom, we’ve heard a lot of stories about some people bashing Zevi and attacking Zevi shippers + we’ve witnessed the great Eruri vs Ereri war, so of course we know how pretentious and rude they can get. There are people who felt like they were exiled from the Eruri shipping fandom for either shipping any other character with Levi or just seeing characters and their relationships differently (i.e. not seeing them as wholesome husbands or preferring Levi to bottom which is apparently a sin for Eruris too sometimes nowadays???). Although it’s important to mention that I feel like Eruri shippers know how shitty the anti stuff is better than a lot of other communities, so I don’t feel the same aggression from them at this moment.

If we’re talking twitter, based on what we and our friends have experienced, the most aggressive groups seem to be Levihan and Eremins. When I go through my blocking sprees and block everyone who hates on Ereri or Zevi or Eruri (well, mostly Ereri), ~88% of the accs happen to be either Eremin or Levihans. When someone writes a long-ass thread to attack a content creator, it always happen to be either of these two, and I have no idea why. A lot of them are also minors who act like the way they harass others is perfectly justified. I legit see stuff like “besties let’s spoil snk for ereris” and “let’s bully ereris and tell them to kys” every time I search ereri on twitter. And I’ve seen enough of Levihan folks saying shit like Eruris being criminals because Erwin is basically a nazi + spreading misinformation about popular artists just out of spite… extremely annoying stuff. Actually, I think you’re the first LH person who’s been kind to us lol

Also don’t get the idea that there are no toxic people in the Ereri community, because this simply isn’t true. Like I said, every fandom has its own clique and a certain level of toxicity, and it’s stupidly easy to be the “wrong one” here, at least it used to when we just started posting. People who’ve been following us for a while know that we used to get a lot of crap for making Levi a bottom on all of our drawings and not wanting characters to switch. It’s such a stupid reason to get harassed, who the fuck cares whether a character tops or bottoms in a drawing??? And yet we’ve been told that a lot of harassment has happened because of it + experienced it ourselves. I think the only reason we don’t get harassed for it very often nowadays is because of a luxury of being a kind of a big art account. It’s much easier to attack smaller ones who don’t have any power or connections, especially when they’re insecure and want to fit in with the fandom.

Now for some reason some people now think that we (me and Katsu) block people for loving top!Levi or bottom!Eren… this isn’t true. I admit that I can get petty when I block people, but it’s always about their attitude and never about their preferred ship or character’s position. Whether you like something or not is none of our business, and we never criticized what others like, so it’s kind of offensive that people think we’d act that way towards others when we ourselves experienced the same treatment for making Levi bottom every single time. It’s childish and disgusting, and I really don’t want people to think of us as someone who approves of this behavior.

Top!Levi stans act pretty toxic too sometimes, not only in Ereri (well Riren) community. The majority of comments about our Levi being ooc, looking like a child and being too horny and blushy we got from them, they get straight-up OFFENDED by our Levi. We’ve talked about how people are afraid to make Levi into anything but a serious and stoic manly man a lot in the past… And this is the only reason we get defensive when people ask us about top!Levi. But still, we never block anyone because of their preferences. This assumption is very... idk yikes, and more disgusting is the fact that people very easily jump to this conclusion, like... seriously? That’s what you think about us? So much for “uwu our supportive shipping fandom community”.

Shippers of het ships can get quite toxic too, especially after the finale. Some of Eremika peeps got wild, and you’ve probably seen our replies about it and that one Anon who got very upset with our reply about Eren. For some reason, when you post something het-related, there’s always going to be a person saying shit like “NAAAH HE LOVES X, NOT HER”, as if any of this matters. They are the type to whine about Eruri shippers ruining beautiful friendship between Erwin and Levi with their homo sexy stuff. They’re often disrespectful: shit in your comments, belittle other ships with comments like “well THIS is much better than X”, and overall make the experience very uncomfortable. For some reason they just can’t enjoy their darn ships without shitting on others.

Anyhow. I know this reply sounds like “everyone’s a shithead” lol, but once again: sadly, there are nasty people in almost every shipping circle, this is unavoidable. And it’s easier to mark them as “shippers of X”, because they often act like a clique or high school bullies or something. And even though there are a lot of very nice people, I tend not to associate them with any shipping community: it’s just a pleasant and cool person who we had fun communicating with, and who just happen to ship X, Y and Z.

Maybe… it’s fair to say that we dislike fandoms, but talking to people who are kind, polite and excited about the same things that we are, is always great.

Siiigh, hope I didn’t bore you to death with this reply. Thank you for giving us an opportunity to talk about this! And for enjoying my art and being open-minded :)

#replies

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nocturnaljunipers · 4 years

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*bursts into the room through a wall like the kool-aid man*

Okay okay okay so, I’ve got a pitch for season three. It’s ten episodes long like usual, we picked up right where we left off. There’s a moment of brief panic among everyone, they leave the academy. Klaus makes some stupid comment and five goes off, yelling, waving his hands around,, the whole nine yards right? He storms off. One of the siblings is like “hey hey wait hold on.” They grab his shoulder, five turns around FULL. ON. TEARS. Streaming down his cheeks, bawling like as baby (as he should btw) the sib is shocked they’re like “oh shit Oop” five crumples down to the ground onto his knees, here’s where Allison comes in, she comforts him full mother hen mode and we get the Hargreaves huddle hug we deserve, They go to a hotel and draw up a plan. Episode two: Allison and Five go back to the sparrow academy w/ Diego. He’s the comedic relief himbo obv. Allison does a therapy montage session with each of the sparrows. They all start out like “I’m not abused wtf” then at the end all of them all bawling about their trauma, five distracts Reginald by having another convo about time yk? Diego tried to fight Ben and gets his ass handed to him. Ben is the most stubborn bc he’s the golden boy then he has his aha moment eventually, the sparrows team up and obliterate Reginald, they tie him up and verbally abuse him in a roast battle and THEN murder him as they Should 😌. It’s perfect because they still would be born if Reginald is dead so they don’t cease to exist ALSO Diego calls up his good friend herb, they get ANOTHER briefcase and just five goes back and tells past five not to interact with Reggie and that vanya cause the apocalypse. Then he goes back to 2019 then takes his siblings back to their timeline. What did everyone else do? You might ask. Well the answer is simple. Spa/make over day. Vanya and Klaus y’all about their lovers lost to time and help Luther overcome his crippling self esteem issues over manicures, Luther dyes his hair because I said so. They each grab onto the briefcase while the sparrows all stand outside the academy and wave goodbye like a happy family. Now you may be saying “juniper there are still eight episodes left how’re you gonna have Allison and five solve all the problems in the first two episodes.” Here’s my rebuttal. it’s all fluff and time travel fixing. it’s eight hours of the most sappy shit you’ve ever seen, Luther loves himself and moves on from Allison, Five gets a week off and therapy AND adopts mister penny crumb AND picks up baking. They’ve still got that one good briefcase now, Fibe and Vanya go back in time pick up sissy and Harlan because there’s no longer a threat and they can get gay married and five is the best uncle ever. And then Vanya, Klaus and Five go back in time and save Dave and Vanya does her little rescue act then takes it back again and Dave and Klaus get gay married and open up a shelter for lgbt youth who have been kicked out by their parents. Lila comes back because I said so and Diego and Lila go to therapy together and talk about their family issues. And then Allison gets ray back bc he wants to meet Obama and then he meets Claire and is like “okay I can work with this” and then patrick ceases to exist no shade to him we’ve just progressed passed the need for Patrick. And Ray adopts Claire legally. Five gets quality uncle content with Harlan and Claire!!!!!! And Five gets Delores back then leaves her again because he actually has the capacity to move on now. and finally Klaus astral projects five to bargain for Ben to come back and to get a body, and she agrees with the promise that none of them come disturbing her again bc these damn Hargreaves get on her nerves. Reginald doesn’t get to live in cottage core heaven either he just doesn’t exist anymore (this is a Reginald hate page if you haven’t noticed) Grace gets a vacation and a wife because I said so and pogo reconnects with his chimp family. And Five grows his hair out and the all live happily every after thank you New York and goodnight! *drops dead*

#five hargreeves #the umbrella academy #tua #claire hargreeves #claire tua #klaus hargreeves #tua hc #this was the drect stream of my conciousness btw #five tua #allison hargreeves #tua allison #netflix hmu if you need any more genius ideas #tua klave #almond chestnut #vissy tua #tua diego #lila pitts

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we-rate-tmnt · 4 years

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I request: Leonardo. Please and thank you 🙏.

Idk if everyone loves Leo or if my header and avatar just remind everyone about this amazing blue boy. (This one’s super silly btw. I’m just sillier as time goes on. Character development I guess?)

The iconic leador Leonardo (1987)

Bro idk why but I loved this Leo. I have a tiny memory, especially with this version but I clearly remember that I thought he was the funniest and the coolest. I mean, he had swords, what was I supposed to do as a 7-year-old. NOT like him??? Anyway, while Raph was the best at insult comedy, I think Leo had the best puns and punchlines. I really like how nonchalant this Leo is compared to his iterations, going along with really silly ideas and having fun along the way. But because of this, his leadership is a little forced at times, he seems like such a chill and fun dude that when he gets serious, I have to squint and ask ‘are you Leo? Or were you just putting on act a moment ago?’ Or my perception is entirely warped over time. Either way, good turtle boy, could have used some work tho. 5.7/10

Here comes grumpy lad wooo this is all read very monotone btw Fearless Leader (2003)

What. What the fuck happened. I was actually so confused when Leo turned really angry and serious and almost manic. I thought that episode when he popped into Casey’s window and was like ‘Hey bitch lets go beat the shit out of some lowlifes’ I was WOAH THERE BUDDY BACK UP BACK UP BACK TF UP. It was so sudden to me and when it was finally explained, it made some sense??? Like yeah, character development is great an’ all but this ain’t it chief. I can’t imagine what it was like having to wait for these episodes to release one at a time. Bc I watched every episode back to back on Youtube and I was genuinely bamboozled. But when you have an experience like that where guilt is weighing down on you from a situation you couldn’t control, it would’ve been HELLA HELPFUL to have at least a flashback, like a line saying ‘I was so useless!’ at BARE MINIMUM. Like right after Shredder is booted off to Planet Zula, Donnie would notice that Leo didn’t seem all that happy and would ask why and Leo would get upset and yell at Donnie saying that ‘You wouldn’t understand’, ‘You don’t know how I felt, how I feel because of that’, etc. Like you don’t even have to say he felt guilty or helpless, just give us something to grab onto. We’re merely six-year-olds who thought they could climb the YMCA rock wall in easy mode but instead the script riders harnessed us up on the hard one and wouldn’t let us come down until we rang the little bell at the top. I think that is the only problem I had with his Leo. The sudden change of calm and decisive to angry and irrational was so jarring that it felt unnatural without that crucial context. If you want a surprise reveal, at least hint at the reveal (like just about every Disney movie with their ‘twist’ villains) not wait until the very last moment. I think this might be my least favorite Leo and I think the season where he stood out the most and seemed the strongest was Fast Forward (Which was GOOD FIGHT ME), especially in scenes with Dark Leo, his clone. He sees so much of himself in Dark Leo but he also sees something he had once grasped (AKA the poorly written character arc, I CANNOT stress how bad I thought it was). Although, I honestly think he’s a really good character and he’s a pretty neat guy. However, this score is entirely held up by Fast Forward and his connection with Usagi, sword bros to the end of time. 3/10 (2 for FF and 1 for Usagi)

And now a Leo that makes me genuinely feel UWU Leo (2012)

I cannot stress how much I like this guy! Like his design is so appealing, his dedication, his obsession with Space Heroes, like I FUCKING LOVE IT. And everyone knows, that shit with Karai, at first when they didn’t realize they were related, I can let slide but kajsdflksadf what even like why did the writers feel the need to add in more ‘love interest’ implications like yuck yuck yuck. The only two interactions with Leo and Karai that I really like are when Leo defeats her using the healing hands technique and when Leo has a goth/emo/punk/idk I’m new here phase and they team up and EXPLOSIONS. He was introduced to us as being incredibly naive and his idea of leadership is from some old cartoon that’s basically star trek but ethically questionable. After his fights in season 1, to the finale with the technodrome, you can see his growth. He’s able to formulate plans and make life or death decisions. BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE. When Leo got hurt, I felt like the oof sound effect mixed with some tears I normally shed at some Shojo manga bs. While the episodes following were super weird, it was a nice way to help Leo recover, not only physically but spiritually (Although I don’t remember the spirit arc at all except the epic Raph vs Fishface fight, so we’re skipping that). When Master Splinter really died, you could tell there was a huge impact on Leo, but he had to remain stoic and lead the family now. A lot of heartbreaking moments in this series came from Leo and I’m glad they took at least some thought into developing him. Tiny head Leo will haunt my nightmares, but the giggly fanboy will warm my heart constantly. 6/10

I only have one word for this Leo (Heroes in a Half Shell: Blast to the Past)

This is a super crazy bad idea accent on the super crazy bad part have I mentioned it’s also a really terrible idea/10

Okay, spoiler alert, didn’t really think this Leo was that grand Leo (2014/2016)

Painfully average. He didn’t stand out that much, Raph was part of the focus and had that touching scene at the end, Donnie was ICONIC and Mikey (with his weird-ass eyes) was super lively and funny! Leo? Uh, I don’t remember a single line he said. Because he never really grabbed my attention, I don’t have too much to say on this version. The Raph and Leo fight felt forced and the whole ��keep this stuff that could turn us human a secret’ was pretty pointless and was added just to cause drama, I don’t even remember what that Splinter and Leo conversation was about. Design-wise, really neat! You can see some more traditional Japanese clothing/style mixed with modern (I’d feel a lot better about this assumption if some could tell exactly what the heck he’s wearing, but I get traditional Japan warrior vibes from it) in his look which was super neat! Other than that, if you like him, please tell me why because I don’t get. He was just kinda eh. 5/10

AHHH MY BOY YASSS WHOOO!! Neon Leon (2018)

Okay, I loved Ben Schwarts already from Parks and Rec but like him being Sonic AND Leo, like DUDE. He’s super funny by himself but teamed up with this shows writing and animation, it makes it hilarious. I literally love this Leo so much, maybe because we’re alike but honestly, he’s amazing. I love his design with the red and yellow crescents accenting his skin and livening up his color pallet. He has a very healthy and natural dynamic with his brothers, he’s the first to know what’s wrong and tries his best to make up for his actions. This is really prominent in the most recent episodes, along with the episode portal jacked. In both, Leo is separated from his brothers. Portal Jacked is in a more literal sense, while Air Turtle handles in more of an emotional sense. While both are brief, Leo sees his error and tries his best to make it up to them. I love his dynamic so much and it’s so nice to see something like this compared to the unnecessary drama and tension between the brothers in the previous series. It’s refreshing and this is something a younger audience needs to see; instead of fighting, it’s better to work together and improve yourself along the way. Improvement is a big theme for Leo here. He’s a goofball, makes jokes at every opportunity and isn’t quite skilled at fighting or using his weapon. But he grows over time, he learns to manage his power and he’s working on mastering it. He’s trying to put aside his narcissism more and focuses on his family. I think the approach they took with him rising to leader rather than slapping it on his forehead was the goddamn best decision they could make. He’s making plans, finding loopholes, helping out and getting out of his comfort zone. I cannot stress how well this show has handled Leo, along with the other characters. I can’t wait to see more episodes about his growth and I am awarding him with one of the greatest honors I could give... 10/10

Storytime: I drew a super cute 2012 Leo, you should look at him. Shameless self-promo, but you should follow me on my main blog bc I’m nice and I draw pretty pictures. Also. I have a little 2012 Leo Happy Meal toy??? I think??? guarding my window and he’s been there for YEARS. I need to bring him in and refresh his paint job.

Wow! I didn’t expect this many requests for Leo, so the blog will be momentarily spammed with the requests, but it shouldn’t be too much! Up next should be the last turtle (Mikey) and then we can get to some REALLY great requests I’m eager to answer. As usual, please comment and reblog! I’d love to hear your opinion!

#Tmnt #teenage mutant ninja turtles #leonardo #1987 leo #2003 leo #2012 leo #2014 leo #2016 leo #rottmnt leo #Rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #rottmnt #asks #I forgot how my tagging system worked

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yggdrasil-mith0s · 3 years

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I'm thankful for this community and you all.

Here's some info on me and the last few years along with this community and how it's been a part of me the whole time.

Happy Thanksgiving: recently I've been a little more open about my personal life on the blog. Usually I use the Discord but U do like to share on here about it as well. I feel like this fandom deserves to know the person behind this blog and what I am going through because I dont want to be just some fandom blog. I want to be a blog that creates a community of friends. A safe community for every gender or non gender specific people. A place for people with a similar interest and something to talk about to help get past our anxieties and even fears in some cases. Someone once joined our Discord and after a few weeks they were saying " I saw the link for a week when you first made it. I was scared to join. I don't like social interactions and Discord seems confined and for that soecifically so I thought I would lurk. Everyone was so kind I opened up and told yall some things I've never really told anybody. It's one of the best choices I've ever made (them joining the discord server) and everyone is so loving and accepting."

This honestly made me so happy. If I can pick out things and passions that's make me happiest and truly brings a smile to my face... it's stuff like that. It's this fandom and more specifically, this community, that keeps me going and happy. Everyone is so kind, loving, and accepting. I'm so happy it has come to what it is now and wouldn't change a thing. This person got over their fear of socially interacting within the fandom and then shared something they feared being judged for and never really shared with anyone besides 2 or 3 people. No one brings it up. It's a trusted piece of information and we will keep it at that. We are still growing, too, and I will post the link here soon. I'm so happy I created this blog, kept it going, and fell in love with the series, fandom, and this community. It's funny because I was talking to a cosplayer who did some tales stuff and asked for permission to post their work on this blog. When I shared my blog they said "Oh I know that blog. I dont use Tumblr anymore but I think I followed that blog" and It made me squee with joy. This amazing cosplayer followed this blog and it just baffles me cause she is so talented. That makes me wonder how many of you are out there but being modest, not realizing how happy it makes me that you're here. By the way, I see you artist out there with so much talent and acting like you arent that good. Yes you are. I cant even draw straight lines or a cheeto but you can draw Tales characters and I actually know who they are. That is talent whether you realize it or not. Some of you are extraordinary artist by the way. Truly, and I keep thinking how your work will eventually blow up, at the very least in the fandom, and how talented you are, and you follow me. Thank you for being here. I love you all so so much. You're all amazing.

I have been going through a lot and not as active as I have been but I am working on getting back in full circle. I entrusted the server to a few great friends, I am back in it with full mod access but I don't do anything except watch for anything that may be said in the wrong way or something but that literally never happens so I dont do anything lol. Those friends have done great with the server and created more channels and even community nights. I saw Roleplaying of Tales characters recently, too, which makes me happy it's still very active and people feel comfortable there and it's thriving.

Anyways, I havent been doing well. I have and I havent. In the past few years I've been bouncing between houses, getting away from my abusive mom, losing jobs, then going homeless. Having suicide attempts, one point getting real bad and ending up in the hospital to a "psych ward." It was really a detox and center for suicidal people on hold before going home. I went for suicide because I havent relapsed, thank goodness, but I did attempt suicide. I've drank and gotten stupid drunk but no drugs for me in 3 years+ now. Anyways... after that I got sent/told about this halfway house in Downtown Augusta GA. I went with no other options. I was homeless at this point from being in the hospital for 15 days (including psych ward) and no job. I slowly worked my way up from having nothing to... well frankly still having nothing lol. Btw my oldest brother passed before the suicide attempt. He was physically abusive at times and at other times loving. I should take the time to mention my dad passed away when I was 10 as well. So it was my mom, two older brothers, and a little sister. I raised my little sister cause my mom became alcoholic. She was somewhat loving but once I hit my teens she became mentally abusing saying super harsh things and ignoring my depression and anxiety like they weren't real. She said some of the nastiest stuff. We got into fights. The fandom helped me escape and leave her home. Anyways. I still dont have anything to my name except a house and a crappy job... but this community is still thriving and helping me during cut hours of covid and has just been supportive and amazing. My mom passed away a few months ago. So it's just my one brother and little sister now and today I spent it with my little sister. We talked about things I wanted to talk about for so long. Mom was always nice to her and spoiled her and used me and verbally abused. She literally abused both one else. I have a theory and it's because the older I got the more I reminded her of my dad who abused her. Except I reminded her of his kindness that she fell in love with (which to her was lies and manipulation). So she took out everything on me. Anyways.

So my sister and I talked and let a lot out and a lot go. I might actually have a relationship with a family member that I havent had in 11 years. It was with her but we are reconnecting it seems. There's still a lot to go through.... and she's struggling and got her own stuff going on so she cant help me and I cant help her other than by building a relationship. I dont think it would've happened if it wasnt for you all.

I truly believe it's this community that has kept me alive and well these past few years. Thank you so much. This isn't some obligatory thank you. Or a forced "I love you." This is an appreciation for you all. This is heartfelt and as serious as I can be when I say thank you and I love you. You have been my family for years now. It was small. It stayed small for a while but at some point it grew and grew fast. We have over 100 people on our discord and over 1.5I followers in this community among the Tales of fandom and continue to grow slowly. Not everyone is active and some only come in here and there and that's okay. They are still family and they are included in this as much as those that help run the discord now. You all matter so much to me. You're my family and a part of my journey. Thank you all so much and again, I love you. Take this post how you want but do me a favor... use it to remind yourself that you matter. You matter to me. I love you and I mean it. You are a part of a family. A community that accepts all, never judges, helps each other, and only loves. You are a part of that as much as anyone else. And you matter.

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ladyboltontoyou · 5 years

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Arthur Morgan x Reader: Farmer’s Daughter. 3

Ask: OH MY GOD IMAGINE THE READER IS A GIRL FROM A GOOD FAMILY, SHES WITH ARTHUR FOR A WHILE NOW, THE PARENTS WANT TO MEET HIM. THEY’RE HAVING FAMILY DINNER AND THE COWBOY MAN JUST CANT KEEP HIS HANDS TO HIMSELF UNDER THE TABLE oh my god if your request are open and you would write that i would probably, most likely die...oh btw i love the “farmer’s daughter” story OH MY GOD MAYBE THIS COULD BE THE NEXT PART AAAAAAAAH SHIT! okay okay i’m sorry i just got excited! love your writing, have a great day!

Warnings: Cursing, probably. Slightly public sex, ya get fingered at dinner ok?

Pairing: Arthur Morgan x Reader

A/N: YEEHAW MY FELLOW SLUTS! ENJOY! Also, idk what they called panties back then so I just went with panties, ok?

Two months later and you had fallen completely in love with the man. You both had told yourselves you wouldn’t let it get that far but it was nearly impossible. Every time you would see each other he had something to give you, be it a new drawing of yourself, wildflowers he had found out in the woods, or some suspiciously expensive jewelry that he wouldn’t talk about.

He hadn’t planned on any of it, really, but multiple times a day he would see something that reminded him of you and he just knew he had to take it. Even the jewelry he had stolen from the folks who were unlucky enough to start a fight with him.

After a while of successfully sneaking around the day came you’d both been expecting. Your father caught him.

It wasn’t in the way you’d thought it would happen, thankfully. He didn’t walk in on the two of you or catch Arthur climbing up to your room or sneaking out of it. It was more subtle and less suspicious. The two of you, like the fools you were, were out in broad daylight at the stables on your property. You would go out there regularly to spend time with your horse so you knew your parents wouldn’t question you being down there.

You should have known being that comfortable sneaking around was just asking to be caught. And sure enough, you were.

“(Y/N)? Who is this?”

You fucking twitched. When you turned around you saw your father standing behind you with a look of concern on his face and one of the stable boys watching the whole thing go down. You had given him some money earlier to keep his mouth shut and he sure was getting more than he asked for.

“Howdy mister!” Arthur waved and stepped past you. “Remember me? I stopped by here a while back to ask for some directions.”

Your father squinted and reluctantly shook his hand. Suddenly realization spread across his features as it all clicked. “Oh! Yes!” He laughed and clapped Arthur’s shoulder. “How have you been? Ever find your way?”

“Sure did, thanks to you. I was in town and was asking around, looking to buy some good horses, and a few folks told me you were the man to talk to.” You looked at Arthur with parted lips, in shock at how good of a liar he was. He turned a potential disaster into the most casual and normal interaction without the slightest effort. It was kind of scary.

Your father laughed and nodded, crossing his arms proudly. “You’ve come to the right place, follow me.”

Arthur tossed you a wink and you had to smile then, dumbfounded by how smoothly the whole thing went.

***

After your father had whisked Arthur away to the expensive section of your stables you went back home. Your mother was preparing dinner along with one of the ranch hands, which surprised you. When you questioned why he was there she explained he was making his mother’s famous gumbo, your mother insisted upon it after she had sent some over to your family.

When dinner rolled around your father made it back just in time, a surprise guest at his heels.

“Jane, you remember this man, don’t you? He was the fellow on the white horse who asked for directions to-”

“Of course I do!” She wiped her hands with a kitchen rag, walking into the main room where the two men stood.

You stood up from the kitchen table to watch the whole thing play out, locking eyes with Arthur who just shrugged.

“He came down today to buy a horse from us!” Your father said as he closed the front door behind them. “And to congratulate him on his purchase I’ve invited him to stay for dinner.”

Your mother smiled happily, it wasn’t often you had visitors that weren’t your families prude friends or relatives. “Good! We’re having gumbo tonight, Thomas is cooking his mother’s very own recipe.”

“Oh!” Your father raised his brows. “The one she sent over yesterday?”

“That’s the one.”

“Brilliant! I loved that.”

The two of them talked for a while before Thomas announced the soup was done and your mother went back into the kitchen to help him serve. Your father excused himself to wash up, telling you and his guest to have a seat in the dining room.

You sat down next to Arthur and gave him a look.

“What?” When he finally noticed you looking at him he furrowed his brows.

“How did you manage that?”

“Manage what?”

You snorted, rolling your eyes. “Come on. You’re the best liar I’ve ever met.”

Arthur shrugged, taking the glass of water that Thomas set down in front of him.

“You must not of met a lot of people then.”

“All right, then. Keep your secrets.”

He chuckled and set the glass back down on the table after taking a few generous sips. “Before we almost got ourselves killed, I was going to give you somethin’.” Another gift? He reached in his pocket and pulled out a small folded piece of paper. “Don’t let anyone see that.” He added with a whisper since Thomas had walked in with the rest of the drinks.

You smiled at him and slowly unfolded the paper in your lap under the table. Once you had it done you squinted before realizing it was upside down. You flipped it the right way and your face was suddenly burning. Your breath caught in your throat as you took it all in, quickly folding it back up when your mother walked into the room carrying the giant pot of soup.

The urge to punch him was strong. Why did he have to give that to you then? Why couldn’t he wait? You slipped the paper in the front pocket of your dress and cleared your throat.

Arthur chuckled and took another sip of water, smiling sweetly at your mother as she started filling everyone's bowls. “Thank you, ma’am.”

It was impossible to get the image out of your head. It was a drawing of you, completely naked, lying on your stomach with your head resting on your folded arms, your legs kicked up and locked at the ankles. You were looking directly into the viewer’s eyes with a wicked smirk on your face, some of your hair in your face. Once again you looked utterly magnificent, your body drawn in a way that accentuated every part of you perfectly. If it wasn’t a drawing of you, you probably would have gotten off to it. You probably would anyway, knowing Arthur was the one who drew it.

“What horse did you end up buying, Mr…”

“Arthur. The young brown mustang, think your husband called him Taro.”

Your mother nodded and sat down at the opposite end of the table when she was finally done serving. You wished she would let you help with dinner but she was firm in her belief, not allowing you or your father to help her in the slightest.

It was another ten minutes before your father finally joined you, taking his seat beside his wife. “Please excuse me, got carried away with my hair again.” He laughed and eagerly started eating. Your mother shared a laugh with him, chiding him lightly about how vain he was.

Most of dinner was fine, you all talked about the usual dinner subjects such as work, the weather, and town gossip. You barely paid attention though, the image of you drawn naked was stuck in your mind, along with the idea of Arthur drawing it. You wondered if he had done it in the heat of a lust filled moment or if it was just something normal to him.

What finally snapped you out of your thoughts was the feeling of a hand on your knee. You brushed it off at first, it seemed innocent enough, he had done it plenty of times before when the two of you laid together. It wasn’t inherently sexual.

But then he moved his hand lower, brushing his fingers against the hem of your dress. You looked at him with a subtle glance but he refused to acknowledge you at all.

Crossing your legs you tried to get him to stop but that didn’t deter the cowboy at all. He pulled your dress up just enough to slip his hand under the fabric, then let the hem fall back down over his arm. You wanted to curse him out but you held your tongue and tried to act as natural as possible, taking another spoonful of soup into your mouth.

“So, Arthur, you never told us what you do for a living.” Your father said after sending one of the kitchen maids to bring out a bottle of wine.

His hand traveled up to your thighs, his fingers gently rubbing circles over your skin. “Oh, well, it’s nothin’ excitin’. I work for a man collecting debts from people. Good money.”

“Oh!” Your father acted impressed, shrugging and exchanging a look with your mother.

“If that isn’t exciting, I wonder what is to you!” Your mother laughed and so did your father.

‘Maybe fingering your daughter five feet away from you.’ You thought as you shifted in your seat, thankful for how high the table was. If it was any lower surely they would see that the lower half of his arm was extended towards you.

Slowly, extremely slowly, his hand continued it’s journey upwards. You forced yourself to keep a straight face, even when you felt the tips of his fingers brush against your panties. ‘No problem,’ you told yourself, feeling him pull the fabric aside so he could touch you better. ‘No big deal.’

Arthur rubbed slow circles into your clit with a firm amount of pressure, but not quick or firm enough to get you anywhere fast. And he knew it, too. He ate his second bowl of soup just as normally as he did the first, showing no signs of the fact that his fingers were about to be stuffed inside of you.

You liked to think you looked just as calm as he did. You had finished your soup and were waiting for everyone else to so your mother could bring out dessert, and then you could finally leave the table. If only Arthur would hurry up and finish his meal.

The small talk carried on and left almost no silence which worked to your advantage. If they were quiet they probably would hear how fast your breathing had gotten, especially when Arthur pushed that first finger inside of you. You had to practically bite through your tongue to keep the moan silenced.

“(Y/N), you’re quiet, for once. Are you sick?” Your father joked and everyone laughed, including Arthur. That bastard.

“I’m fine, just like listening to you all talk.” You said quickly, surprised at how even and calm your voice sounded. Almost as if you weren’t being finger fucked.

That seemed to satisfy them enough and they carried on with conversation.

Normally at dinner, you rarely drank any wine, since you were never able to just have one glass. It always led to two, or sometimes even three, and you would end up passed out on your bed hours before you usually would. But tonight you happily drank, finishing the second glass right as Arthur had two fingers curling inside of you.

As hard as you tried not to let yourself orgasm you could feel it approaching rapidly. Arthur could too, noting how your chest rose and fell and how you were twitching around his fingers. He slowed down momentarily, allowing you to catch your breath, before he was right back at it, quicker than before. He had a hard-on of his own but with his belt and gun holster in the way, no one would have the slightest idea, even if they looked right at his crotch. Lucky him.

“Are we ready for dessert?” Your mother's voice scared you out of your wits and you jumped.

“Yes!” You laughed to draw attention away from the fact that you almost spilled your wine.

She left along with the kitchen maid, directing her to get together new sets of dishes.

His fingers curled quicker as he sipped on his wine, keeping his eyes anywhere but your father or you. Your father kept up the small talk, allowing you to give yourself the time to focus on having a discreet and quiet orgasm.

You slowed your breathing as you felt it coming, gripping Arthur’s arm under the table with your left hand as you curled your other hand into a fist around your dress. He looked down at you for a split second, savoring the sight of you as best as he could before he forced himself to look away as to not look suspicious. He gave you a few more deep pumps before you came. The heat and tingles exploded, rippling from your clit and inside your body to your entire form. You bit your lip and looked down, sinking your nails into the skin of his arm. The waves of pleasure that coursed through your body were enough to make anyone scream but you kept your mouth shut and posture still.

When it finally finished you sat back in your seat, running a hand through your hair as you sighed, wiping the sweat off your forehead when your father wasn't looking. Arthur smirked at you and you threw him the angriest glare you could, but you couldn’t keep it for long. When he chuckled you broke out into a smile and you had to look away so you didn’t laugh.

“Here it is!” Your mother said proudly as she carried the pecan pie into the dining room. “Took me all day!”

Arthur made a show of looking impressed and your father praised your mother's cooking to no end, telling her that she was the best cook in the whole west. She smiled proudly and served everyone's plates. Thank god you had already came and Arthur’s hand was back where it belonged.

“I’m going to make you regret that.” You whispered to Arthur as your mother talked about how hard it was to find enough pecans.

“Lookin’ forward to it.”

#arthur morgan #arthur morgan x reader #arthur morgan x reader smut #arthur morgan imagines #red dead redemption 2 #red dead redemption x reader #red dead redemption smut #red dead redemption x reader smut #red dead redemption 2 imagines #red dead redemption 2 x reader #request #ask #myfanfic #farmersdaughter

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shaxori-fiendline-posts · 4 years

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Blackbox Theater in Gehenna

Ahem. I haven’t done this in a while so, bear with me. No, really, Bear, *grabs shirt hem* I want to wander for a bit. Take a walk with me down the tangents for a bit. So, I’ve been working on my book. My weird way of trying to put myself out there while exercising my mind and imagination again after being stuck in between real life in Malsheem and the inside of my head in Gehenna. Trying to come up with a way I can dress up real life in order to understand what’s going on in a world where anything can happen. I’m trying to make heads or tales of the patterns I think I see in the world around me. Everything starts with a question. And the question drops like a stone into the Astral Sea, sending out ripples of effect in everything. But I can’t see all of the angles to understand where each ripple originated by myself. I try, but when I do I feel like there’s always two sides of my personality warring for control over everything. So, since you’re not only my singular follower on here besides a bot, you’re also the most science brained individual I know that is still willing to pat me on the head and say, “ok, I’ll suspend my disbelief in anything unexplainable by science and just believe for a little bit.”

So, here’s the question that started this particular tangent. I’ve been trying to figure out how to use Lilly as an avatar to help me get my thoughts in line. 99.9% of this writing has been me reverse engineering my friends’ personalities into fictional characters that respond as they might have if we were role-playing the characters I created for them. Jareth is a character, for example, that was once played by my buddy, Jimmy. His explanation for Old Ones was nearly a direct quote as to how he described it to me when I was trying to get a handle on Lilly’s crazy. I could have kissed him. As soon as he explained it, something clicked in my head as I was trying to explain why Lilly is so fucked up. Well, I thought I could keep that one locked up for a while and try to build up to it more, but I just can’t. It feels like taking three steps backward in the writing when I do. But it started raising more questions in my head, and I’ve never been good at juggling. Questions started dropping out from between my fingers, sending out so many questions, I couldn’t keep up. It’s gotten to the point as I’m trying to figure out how to tie off loose ends from earlier chapters without cheesing it (because I’ll fucking forget where I buried the leads and get lost in the fucking minefields again) that both Lilly and I are about to say fuck it, I’m going back to working in the toil and we’re going to do everything possible to forget we ever peeked at the last few pages of the book. We spoiled the ending for ourselves and now we are in a constant state of hurry up and wait. And we’re tired. She’s pissed, I’m just defeated. No, that’s not the right word. Done. Yeah. Thankfully, Lilly is the part of my brain that never stops moving. She’s constantly wandering down through the halls of the Library, (which looks like an MC Esher nightmare, BTW) pulling down boxes and picking through them to try and find all of the pieces of the puzzle to finally get out of my head. And you know what happens when I start to hyper-focus of the pieces instead of looking at how they fit together. Wooo Shiney happens entirely too much. So, when I say I’m done, it’s not the depression talking, it’s the apathy warring with my reasonability. When I say I’m done, I’m mean I’m done giving a shit. I’m done trying to put my life on display in such a way that I can’t tell what tone of voice to read it in. I can’t figure out who it is that I’m talking to. I don’t know who is going to read it which is why I pinpointed a person that doesn’t exist in this world. Normally, I would try to motivate myself by saying “maybe.” But, I’ve always known, just like every kid does, that “maybe” is really “no” in disguise. Unless you get a solid yes and/or proof of validity, anything else is a “no”. You get used to hearing all of the variations of “no” to the point where you expect it from everyone and when you do hear “yes” you immediately question the person’s level of trustworthiness. Are they just fucking with me and, if they are, what are they getting out of it? “You. You want to be my friend? Wait, why? I’m a horrible individual. I’m an asshole. I’m actually proud of the fact that I really could give a shit about the vast majority of the population. All I care about is me and mine.” But my problem is I can’t stop adopting strays. I try to put myself out there to draw in others like me and find the good ones to keep. That’s why Jareth/Jimmy keeps lecturing me about my accidental families. And then I look at the nest of weirdos I’ve created and, well, you’re married to one of them, you know what I’m talking about. Like, I love them all, but they make my brain hurt sometimes. “Yes, kids, I love you, now go play in the corner, Mommy has a lot of shit do and I’m starting to understand while some species of animals eat their young.” I’m so thankful nature decided to take my ability to procreate without fertility treatments. I have enough deviants to keep me amused, I do not need children. At least with mine, I can hand them a pair of scissors and not have to wor... nevermind, I take that back. I can feel the bullshit cough from here. My point is, I’m a tech, I can wrangle the clowns and fix their chainsaws, but I do not have the energy to keep the rest of the circus in order at the same time. The rest of the show has to fall to someone else. That’s why I’m using D&D as a set for the stage. When I try to build the world from scratch on my own, I have to try and make it unique enough to showcase my skills at descriptions, but I get lost in the descriptions and forget that I have to make sure the characters stay on track with the story through their interactions. Using D&D gives me a static resource set to get a mental image of the world in which Lilly lives. With the set already built, I can put down the tech belt and go run with the clowns to burn off some excess energy. But I have to make sure Lilly is rounded out well enough not overwhelm the party. Unfortunately, since the story is inspired by real life events and thought processes (somewhat, it’s D&D for fuck’s sake) I’ve reached the point where I’m going to have to do META ass shit in order to get past Act One. After that, in real life, I have to find some source of income that doesn’t involve donating plasma to pay my cell phone. I want to write. I want to be creative. I have a million and one ideas on things I could try, but I also know that I have to get out of Malsheem if I’m ever going to get to the Feywild for real. And that takes coin because I have yet to figure out portal tech as a practical application. That’s on the shelf marked “the geometry is wrong” in the “don’t go in there, it’s weird” section of the Library. I need an adult to go in there. I just scared myself in two different ways thinking about going in there alone, the first was the atmospheric drop in temperature and the second was the sudden realization that I tend to be smart enough to know better, but too dumb to quit. I will open some box or book and, yeah. I’m not allowed in there without supervision. Ok, that started a ripple of potential hypnotherapy sessions. Provided I could find someone actually capable of hypnotizing me. Anyway. That’s right, the point. Lilly is supposed to be my character, my way of telling my story through the filter of fantasy so I can make sense of it all. And I can’t stay stuck at my desk anymore, hoping and praying that’ll I’ll do something right this time. So, I’m going to make sure she’s at a playable level and do some pick-up games with her when I can get time to myself to be able to play between working at a *shudders* normal job long enough to clean up my credit and get a place of my own somewhere. Then, I’ll be able to reassess the situation without the continuous irritation of Dopple-Mom interruptions. If I have to go back to the call-centers, I might be able to power through it like I did before. I’m just going to have to watch out for the traps I fell into last time. But I’ll have to put the book on hiatus until I’m in a place of my own and can relax when I get off work enough to be able to think freely. It won’t really gather any readers or foot-traffic on Royal Road while I’m working, but I’m ok with that. It takes away the pressure of trying to build an audience while the book is still being written. Granted, that would make it easier to transfer into an actual novel format once it’s completed and have a market waiting for release so I *can* write for a living. But, hope in one hand and shit in the other, all you get is pink-eye. I can’t control who sees my stuff. I can’t control its reception or the opinions thereof that dictate word of mouth marketing. When your success in a field is dependent on the reviews of your work by the general public, sometimes it’s better to just stop giving a fuck. I’m not going to try and build an audience ahead of time anymore. I’m just going to write and release chapters until I have to hit the hiatus button. If the story dies because I can’t find the time or the motivation to write, it’ll just be added to the failed attempts pile. Not the first, not the last. Smart enough to know better, too dumb to quit, remember? I’ll try again at some other point to write a story worth sharing. It just won’t be inspired by real life. Just straight fantasy so I have a place in my head I can visit that’s nice to hang out in for a change.

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reylosource · 6 years

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modern au prompt fill #1

continuing my inability to write drabbles, and trying not to scrutinize this one too much - here you go! Thanks for the prompt @necromancerluna =)

She had been watching him since he had appeared earlier in the evening, disheveled and zombie-like, his hair was still perfect though. Rey hated it a little, that it always taunted her with its bounce and silky texture.

Not that she knew what it felt like, exactly, she had only daydreamed about it; she should have been a little embarrassed by her obsession, by the way her eyes were drawn to him whenever he came in to work - or study, or whatever it was he did.

Surrounded by young good looking college males all day was definitely a perk of the job, a little eye candy for someone who spent hours cataloging books in relative silence. But Ben Solo wasn't a young good looking college male, a fact that Rey was painfully aware of; he was a researcher working on the University's large sociology grants - and definitely wasn't young, although she hadn't been immediately aware of that, couldn't tell by his looks.

And oh, she had studied him. Mostly his profile, and the broad back that was always hidden under t-shirts that seemed far too casual for a mid-30s sociologist. He came in every few days, late at night when the library was quiet, and usually when Rey was working. But he never said anything, just settled into one of the tables and stacked it high with papers and an odd book or two, which Rey appreciated - even in libraries, books were an uncommon accessory for research now.

"I'm headed home, Rey - I hope the night stays quiet," one of the older librarians said to her as he wrapped his scarf around his neck. "I doubt you'll have many other visitors in this weather - the supplies are in the back office if you need them. Have a good night."

Rey grinned, "Alright, Dr. Dameron - thank you!" He was always puttering over her when she had to stay late, but she had been working in the library on campus all four years and she could handle herself. Still, she still thought it was nice to have people worry over her - she would probably never get tired of it.

An hour or so passed as she reviewed the stack of books that had been returned to the bin during the day, mindless work that only served to encourage the daydreams about Ben Solo. Even though it was technically against the rules, she had earbuds in and was humming to herself, imagining herself singing to him.

What if I told you That I need you That I love you for all that you are? Would you hold it against me For speaking so freely? What would you say? Would you walk away?

A throat cleared behind her, loud - as if he had attempted it a few times before - and she gasped, ripping the earbuds out; her body was frozen, back facing the direction of the voice. She knew it was him with every fiber of her being, even though she had never heard him speak before.

"Pardon me, sorry for scaring you," he spoke again and his dulcet tone sunk deep into her stomach and she turned around, biting her lip in a nervous attempt to avoid making a fool of herself. Moving slowly, as if she were underwater and very surely making her look like a crazy person, she finally faced him and brought her eyes up to his face. Somehow she had never realized how tall he was, but that wasn't what she noticed first.

"I didn't know you wore glasses," she said before clamping her hands across her mouth, a flush rising in her cheeks. Wasn't the number one rule of admiring someone from afar that you don't make it obvious you've studied them? Next to perhaps not interacting with them - she had been in good control of that, until tonight. That was out the door now.

Instead of laughing, or making it even more awkward, the corners of his mouth lifted up in a smile, "Uh yeah, sometimes - my contacts were bothering me today, so uh-"

He ran his hand through his hair and Rey's heart stopped momentarily as the strands pulled through his fingers effortlessly, falling into a natural part that she knew so well. Shaking her head, she finally remembered her job.

"Sorry about that - is there something I can do for you?" She watched as he adjusted the fine-rimmed glasses she had mentioned earlier, failing not to be entranced by his eyes and gestures. His fingers were long, she noted idly.

"Yes - I'm looking for a specific article from one of the earliest copies of a sociology journal. I know sometimes they aren't catalogued in chronological order, and they're not online so-"

Rey perked up, drawn out of her haze, "Absolutely! I love digging around the old stuff, do you have the article title?" He handed her a note card with his handwriting on it, "Wow your handwriting is pretty legible, don't normally see that in academics like yourself."

She didn't know what had come over her, but he seemed to draw out her nerves and with it her talkative streak. "It's a side effect of a younger me, unfortunately."

Rey tilted her head in silent question and watched as he tried to make himself smaller as he answered quietly, "I was convinced when I was younger that calligraphy was a noble pursuit, I would write all my papers in that style, much to the chagrin of my mother and teachers. I've since stopped, though."

"Oh, that's a shame - I think calligraphy is beautiful, I miss the art of letter writing," she said earnestly, and saw how his face lit up in interest. "I mean, as much as you can miss something that you were never around for, I suppose. But you can't really deny how incredible it is to read old letters."

Normally she kept those kinds of thoughts inside, knowing it made her sound like such a hipster millenial, but she felt it was only right to share a bit of herself after he told her of his calligraphy efforts. And she was rewarded with a light laugh and his smile, and Rey thought she would do anything to see that again.

"Well uh, I'll get started looking for this - might take a while," especially because her brain was fizzled and full of his laughter and the way his glasses made his eyes the focus of his face. Disarming was the word she would use.

Trying not to linger and make herself look too foolish, she ducked her head a little and moved past him - he moved out of her way and she felt his eyes on her as she disappeared into the stacks.

An hour later, she brought the old journal over to him, with a slip of paper marking the spot. He was deep in thought, scribbling something on the pad of paper he never went anywhere without. Rey quietly slid the journal onto a stack of books to his left, "Here you are, hope it helps."

But he didn't respond, barely even registered that she was there, and Rey frowned. She walked back to the check-out desk, trying not to take it personally; he was clearly very busy, this was his job after all. Not everyone could spend hours daydreaming of someone and have it not come back to bite them - he was an adult.

The rest of the evening passed slowly as she didn't feel up to listening to music anymore, meaning she just had to slog through her work without distraction, plagued by her mind and second-guessing their interactions.

A stack of four books, with the journal on top of them, were placed gently on to the counter she was working at, "Thank you for your help earlier, sorry - I was distracted by my thoughts."

Rey hated that she saw his face blush in embarrassment, knowing that she couldn't call him an asshole and move on, "Oh - that's okay, just glad to be helpful."

Ben watched her as she moved to take one of the books and check it in, "You are - very much so."

Her hands shook as she nodded, avoiding his gaze as she picked up the scanner. "Well, have a good night - stay safe."

Unable to say anything still, she felt him tap the counter and leave, the clink of the doors as they were opened and then closed again. She pulled the third book from his stack and saw a slip of paper sitting on it, ripped from some sort of note pad. Her heart sped up a little as she realized the writing was heavily stylized - calligraphy, if she had to guess.

This may be too forward, and if so please feel free to ignore it entirely and I will not take offense, but would you like to have dinner with me some time? I can't seem to stop thinking about you.

It was short and simple, his named signed below, with a number. Rey bit her lip before she realized she was alone and let out a loud squeal. Turned out, Ben Solo was just as big of a nerd as she had imagined.

I'm free tomorrow night. I would love it. I'm Rey, btw.

Almost instantly, he responded.

I know.

#reylo #reylo fanfic #reylo fanfiction #my fic #prompt fill #modern au

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psychedelictrashpanda · 3 years

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It’s been awhile, weird old blog with unspecified direction. How about more of me me me?

I finally did DMT again, and WOW. It’s been at least a full decade since the last time. I still didn’t quite “break through” enough to “meet the entities” again but mein GOTT was it healing. Speaking of God, we’ll get to that soon... But before smoking the dimitri, I was beginning to sustain a mania in slow motion with dissociatives again. Not to any extreme like I did with PCP long ago (btw, glancing at my Eyehategod poster, I realize that horror/metal fest when I was blasted on PCP the entire time was all the way back in 2013! It seems to much more recent, but the way these drugs interact with memory is very peculiar. or maybe it was the traumatizing effect of it and other things at the time that makes me block out and thus distort the time signature of the memory... I digress). And I don’t have the destructive tendencies I did in the past anyway, so I’ve never been apt to push it as far as I was when I was shooting up 3-meo-pcp and blacking out for days at a time. I mean, I did push it I suppose. For the main George Floyd protests I was loading up on a combination of things. Can’t even remember if that was my sober window between methadone detox and the suboxone I’m on now. But, I was combining bits of weird PCP offshoots with opiate offshoots (4-map iirc) and/or kratom with maybe a drop of benzo... straddling the line between going overboard and a “party dose” for lack of a better descriptor; between recreation and desperation. In retrospect, I was summoning the courage to act like my old self used to in these sorts of situations. That is, giving it my all, being novel about it, idk, summoning the spirit of Dr Gonzo I suppose (who, after reading his two books, was more slimey of a jerk than he’s presented in Hunter’s stories. well, I need to finish the Cockroach People book, he started getting into his attraction to underage girls as a young 20-something man himself and ugh, gross). My true wild & adventurous spirit has been hampered, weighed down with anxiety and depression and all manner of undiagnosed mental illness. Who knows if it’s more the drugs or the environmental factors that trigger drug use, but the spirit is tortured like Griffith in the torture dungeon, the heart is wrapped in a black grime guarded by the Beast of Darkness, the will is subordinated to authoritarian capitalist hegemony...

Where was I? Oh so I started suboxone for the second time in my life innnn... February I want to say. Last time I did it I was able to detox myself simply buying subs off the street, but I did it too quick. That’s been one problem, every time I detox rapidly it’s too harsh a push back into reality and I succumb to relapse less then a year into sobriety. The reason reality is harsh is the same reason my stance on anti depressants has been further cemented. I’ve articulated it better lately... Basically I believe it’s a weird solution to depression to force your chemical makeup into the right position to function properly in the same environment that caused it in the first place. “It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.” One of my conversations with a young college friend really illuminated why many don’t even consider this position. She was insistent there’s no cause of depression, you’re just born with a fucked up mind. Now sure, hereditary disposition is a thing, as a drug addicted child of an addict I should know. But for example she pointed to another friend with hard depression and was like “his life seems fine what explanation could there be?” But I put forth maybe his childhood of having to closet his homosexuality in a hard conservative family that had the possibility of disowning him if they knew about it contributed to that “natural chemical imbalance,” as it’s implied. YES, some people NEED it. But for the most part, it really seems to me to be what I’m gonna call the thyroid phenomenon. That is to say, a medical explanation for a small fraction of severely affected patients is used as a broad brush by the public to diagnose themselves. Forewarning: I am not fat shaming here, forgive the example. Dietary practices are a personal thing so my feelings are stronger as well. Anyway, it seems to me as soon as this thyroid malfunction became a hard biological explanation for obesity beyond the psychological, suddenly everyone was a candidate. It’s fine to think “maybe I have it” but when a growing and significant portion of the obese crowd started screaming they all had thyroid problems and can’t help themselves, when a teensy percentage actually do... well it sort of touches on the “addiction as a disease” narrative that’s never sat well with me. Addicts use the disease reasoning to skirt personal responsibility. I'm not denying it is a disease, but I believe calling it as such in the public discourse isn’t terribly constructive. (Okay, you’re seeing an opinion change in real time here... I changed my mind.) I was vehemently against the narrative, but I need to readjust to simply make people WARY of the narrative. As an addict, I could easily see myself using the excuse of it being a disease as a fatalist function; that is to say giving in, relinquishing personal control over my fate. Hereditary disposition, Rat Park, addiction as a disease... there’s also a severe lack of control it all conjures. Paradoxically, drugs can used to meticulously control your state of mind. I can’t control my desire to control myself?

God where was I going with this... Oh! God! May as well mention I’ve been warming up more and more to the spirit of monotheism beyond it’s structural and institutional dimensions. I could get deep into my recent past of not believing in the idea of a spirit, soul, etc. How the pendulum of my ideology swings between cold rationalism and loose spirituality, especially as I go through phases of rebellion against perceived oppressors. Growing up in a red state with a lot of Christian ideals, society around me was always telling me everything I seemed to like was the work of Satan. Naturally, I started reading into Satanism. I never self identified with occult-esque belief structures, except maybe chaos magick because it’s whole idea is to merge whatever practices work into something of your own, but I did staunchly identify as anti christian. Not a hard thing to do when you’re already a metal head, which definitely fueled the trajectory. Not to mention metal helped goad me into DXM use (thanks Velvet Cacoon ya bunch of goons), the first real psychedelic journeys I had. Because I never gave real consideration to myself having depression, I moulded my personal ideology around the symptoms it causes. Which is why for awhile after coming to terms with depression as a problem I probably have, I was only able to identify it in retrospect. I never felt it in real time because it was so old-coat to me, I adapted to it like an addict adapts to their drug of choice and ti becomes their world. So I would decide to skip social events, let my room get messy, watch only old comfort shows, etc... but only AFTER emerging from that state was I able to immediately look back and think “wait... I was doing all those things because I was depressed.” In the moment, it’s rationalized as “I don’t want to see these people for these reasons” or “I want to watch spongebob because it’s fun and an old favorite.” Rationalization, the concept of the west, serves as a detriment to the individual in a number of manners. This is one. I was a MASTER at rationalizing away my drug use. Statistically, more people die from this this and that, why be worried that I’m on this drug instead? Statistics quelled the perceived danger. It was also a formative tool in my skills of justification. I always felt I had to justify every action I took, but that’s getting back into family matters...

But why not bring that up? it’s a sore spot. I feel like the tables have flipped from my dad always saying “you all just think I’m an asshole!” to me thinking I’m the asshole. It’s too much to get into but I’ll touch on a couple important things... I’ve learned a major source of my anxiety is not being able to draw the boundaries between business and family and myself, because they’re not properly defined. When I’m told by my bossfather after explaining the distress I feel simply thinking about the family company, and he goes typically all-or-nothing when I touch on crucial issue and says “if you want out just tell me you want out”, I can’t separate between whether he’s saying it as a father or as a boss in the moment. He would say, “of course I just mean the company”, but where does company end and family begin? It’s also an intense pressure, maybe shame, simply typing this and thinking in the back of my head about someone who might read and think “what a spoiled brat, has a family company and blah blah.” But who put all that in my head? He says he’s changed from the days of putting immense pressure on me with the sort of sentiments that cause that shit in my head like always telling me how great I have it and all the opportunities, shit, I’m feeling it right now, the frustration and I can’t even identify these emotions. At least I am aware of them, that’s a huge milestone for me. But the only thing that’s changed is he sees me as a the broken mother fucker I am and treats me as such. Sometimes it’s nice, and sincere sympathy, other times his frustration with having to check his language all the time is palpable so it does no good to do so. The immense pressure, the intense urgency, the confusing complexity, all those market pressures haven’t changed. This is evident when we were driving somewhere and I suggested not worrying about the fastest route on the map because one minute isn’t a big deal and he insisted that one minute IS a big deal. Sweating one fucking minute indicates a mountain of reputational pressure. In a way, that one minute is putting business ahead of family, but I feel harsh saying it because as he’s pounded into my head the business is what allows the family to survive. Not to mention why put the crack head of the family above that one minute (not literal crack, but it was obvious as soon as he saw I was “fucking around” on ketamine he decided to not take me as seriously) Still, I’ve made my decision that survival reasoning is fucking bullshit already. He’s the one that wants a mansion and wants enough mailbox money for us not to have to worry ever again, so he’s the one deliberately creating the pressure. Maybe he hasn’t considered how hardened he’s become to those feelings after a lifetime in the street and in prison. I really feel for mom. She’s okay now, but her spirit... It’s part of the reason I can’t relax myself at home. He has always painted her as dead weight in the past, never getting a job, sitting watching TV, but he’s unable to connect the dots psychologically because we’re all layman that part of the reason she’s like that is because her actions have been demonized already so who the fuck she got to prove herself to? Same reason I fell into relapse sometimes. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t sort of deal. The damned if I don’t being the reputation of yourself you have to live with after getting sober. He says “don’t worry about it” but I couldn’t accept that because the reason he doesn’t trust me (never mind respect, that’s even further away) is informed by my past. I can’t complain that he never allowed me to contribute to a crucial decision like choosing the building for the dispensary, talking about whether we want a certain investor or not, etc, is because that’s not something to entrust to a druggie. I’ve always felt he let me play make-believe CEO and gave me an allowance for it, while telling me otherwise. He’d say “this is all for you” but he’s making the decisions that truly move mountains and then putting it on us. Which is why I have a hard time saying “I want out”, he can be a baby about things just as much as I am, and I fear he’d let his entrepreneurial drive be affected by my departure. Sigh, this is already getting to be a headache to think about... He’s tired. I’m tired.

There was also something I wanted to say regarding the role social constructs play in all this, but it’s getting long enough already. Suffice to say I’ve been getting into psychoanalysis lately and it’s scratching the right itch for knowledge and wisdom. I can see why Zizek is enamored with Lacan, and why it’s so important to mix it with Marxism. And not to toot my own horn, but what the hell... There are a lot of lofty ideas I’ve been coming across that are already parallel to ideas I’ve developed through my own life experience, and it makes me think I’m meant for this sort of stuff. If I’m lucky in my pursuits (not to put too much weight on the luck aspect), I’ll be a journalist of some sort. Articles, video essays, whatever. Need to rein in my indecisiveness and dispel FOMO tho.

Back to DMT. But not really. Earlier in the summer I got some straight Ketamine and it was also immensely healing. But it has a great abuse potential, especially for me, so it’s harder to “hang up the phone” after I get the message as TmK would say. It made me feel again, and start to understand what love is. Partly because it conjured all these lost feels I had for Kat. She’s great people though, I think I’d just stress her out too much. Idk. Whatever. My love life is a total mess. Anyway after I ran out I wanted more of course and stumbled on some DCK, a somewhat rare ketamine offshoot. Coupled with my increasing propensity to trip acid more than once a week, they started building on each other. I was happier and happier at home, but at work/fam was getting more and more distressed about my place in that whole show. In his show. Simply thinking about the company, especially after having read that article about procrastination and how much it resonated with me, caused me unnecessary levels of distress. Normally as quickly as I can feel that, my mind will tuck it away and bottle it up somewhere so I can go about my day. The problem with drugs is they cause you to act instead. So he was doing the usual “it’s so easy! you’ll have it made!” and I interrupted with this torrent of shit I’ve been holding back forever, and he would not yield on his “you didn’t let me finish...” Incidentally, has he really never picked up on every time I interrupt I already know what he’s talking about? I said as much, something like “it’s not the labor” and he keeps saying “no you’re not listening” as though a frivolous detail changed the main thrust of the fact he’s always trying to make it easier for me. I wish he could simply let me go off and have the strength to take it a little less seriously, but considering how often I take things personally I shouldn’t be surprised he does to. On top of this, his brother/my uncle was in the hospital for some serious shit. But another reason I picked this time is because I only feel safe even confronting him when non-involved parties are around. He doesn’t care that I don’t feel safe confronting him though, he says “don’t worry about me” so maybe I shouldn’t. I feel like such an asshole about it, but that feeling is conjured by the ideological structure he helped to create. Where does my shame end with him being the causation and start with my personal ideology? How much can a person create their own ideology, truly? It’s about as small a window as free will, I imagine.

SO after feeling awful for going off after having all this stuff build up in my mind, I felt awful and went home to drug up some more. Again, not recklessly to the extent I used to be. But I did a fat line of DCK while on a couple hits of LSD and a smidgen of Zolpidem (a wholly underrated substance). Everything was getting to me all at once. A perfect storm of my problems. All the while another doubt caused by ideology from without (society and family both) was making me think it’s all the drugs. But the developments I’ve made are huge strides, I’ve matured so much from it all. And I realized every time I do this, those developments are wiped clean because the validity of them is rendered null due to both the general social stigma of drugs and my history with them. And maybe that’s a major trigger fo rmy relapse in the past. I’m not suppose to be on drugs, but I dabble, have incredible experiences and make strides of maturity, but because it’s drugs the exact opposite effect is percieved from the outside; the experiences are simple chemical euphoria, the strides of maturity are false delusions. It triggers a sharp roll back down hill. I wish someone respected me for who I am, I feel so alone sometimes.

Drugs as an umbrella term, drugs as a vice for the worst dregs of society. There are so many problems in our world regarding drugs. I could write a book. But how much I’ve written here touches on another pressure I feel. IS it simply him again? When he asks “you’re gonna be gone in a few days right?” is that what’s making me feel like this is a waste of time? I’ve got to get out of here. It’s so hard though. I simply have to be strong. The strength is in me to take the massive cut to pay and benefits when I move. Maybe I’ll get a portion of my strugglers card back and shit heads like Blasey Shomas can’t simply say “why don’t you take care of yourself instead of daddy taking are of you?” anymore. Part of me wants to say he says that because he’s driven by his own emotions and not smart enough to directly debate my claims, his insults should hold no weight. Another part of me is truly trying to be... I don’t know a proper term for it without sounding egotistical, but “enlightened”? This is why monotheism is sounding more interesting to me. Jesus’ position about those dregs of society. I’ve always tried to be a trusting person, understanding of people’s struggles, the ideologies they function under that make them lash out or otherwise act the way they do, etc. I even changed my wording there from “I’ve always been” to “I’ve always tried to be.” Not so much for my usual reasons of dodging a committing claim (which I’m working on -- instead of “I think ___” just say what I believe to give the claim more sense of authority so as to be taken more seriously), but trying to be more humble. And not to think lowly and use myself as a punching bag like I used to... ugh, whatever. This post is messy enough.

So that night after having done DCK every day for a couple weeks and tripping every other night on acid, I was at my wits end on what to do, where to go next, everything. The outside world is crumbling, the inside world is lost. I finally whipped out that DMT I’ve had for a long while, something inside told me it was time. Oh duh it was the wits end part, I had no other chemical recourse. I sat in my bed with a foil sculpture loosely resembling a pipe, repeated to myself “it’s okay, just let it happen to you, it will be okay.” A part of me even had a small fear based on those rare reports of those interdimensional beings mentally raping some people, but I don’t know what to make of those experiences, seem like flukes. I took my three deep hits and set the pipe aside as soon as the rusb began and laid back. It wasn’t enough to break through, so I need to get a proper pipe, but it was enough for a “being” (which I am convinced is a part of your mind, not from another dimension or otherwise external source) to appear before me. At least I think. Whatever it was slowly came closer, reassuring me that I’d be okay. The most profound part was an overwhelming sense of all these puzzle pieces suddenly falling perfectly into place where they should be. As though the answers to all my struggles obvious and within me the whole time. For example as soon as I came back I adjusted my posture, as that’s something that I’ve been wanting to work on, and because I was reminded of that just now I adjusted my posture in my seat while writing this. I felt an overwhelming sense of forgiveness toward myself, I think. Amazingly, the inebriation I felt before the trip was largely dissolved, as though the stuff I was on somehow all lost it’s potency. The distresses melted away. At least, the power behind them was nulled. I’m still facing the same problems, but there’s a zen(?) quality to my thinking when they come up in my mind. No longer will a pin drop trigger everything I’m feeling all at once. When I came-to completely, I started BAWLING. In being overwhelmingly consoled by the trip, I became inconsolable. Tears of joy. Tears of healing. And that was the main takeaway. The loudest words of the experience were “Now the healing can truly begin.” At the same time, now the real work also begins.

Balance is key

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agron-rebel-general · 6 years

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1 Year Aggiversary Giveaway!!!

HEY EVERYONE!!! SO today marks my ONE YEAR AGGIVERSARY ON THIS BLOG!!! And maaan, has it been a year!! As most of you know, or have stuck with me since the beginning, my tumblr journey has not been an easy one!!! But where the first few months were difficult, the next several reminded me of what I MOST enjoy about rping!! Getting to meet AMAZING people, getting to interact both IC and OOC and so on!! And throughout this process, I have made friends who I consider to be some of my BEST ones!! We all have to accept that there is going to be toxicity in every fandom and toxic people who perpetuate it!! BUT what we should focus on is not the negativity, but rather, the positivity!! We should focus on all the WONDERFULLY KIND AND SUPPORTIVE people out there cause they far outweigh all the negative ones!! I have been very fortunate to meet such kind people through the past several months!!

With that said, I want to offer you guys a VERY special giveaway!! There are TWO parts to it: one is a POSTCARD GIVEAWAY and the other is a DRAW FOR A MUG GIVEAWAY!! Take a moment to read the guidelines for each cause . . . who doesn’t like free stuff?!?! You can do both if you want btw! Its not an either/or kind of thing!! You can claim a postcard AND enter the draw to win!! The ONLY requirement . . . is that you have to be following me!!! And it doesn’t JUST have to be this blog! You can be following me on ANY of my blogs!! [ @rebellxblake . @natexmiller , @varro-answers , @argumentwithimaginarycat , @ask-barca , @felixvalerius , @magnusbane-warlock ]

I will make one small note and that’s regarding the shop I recently started called One Word At A Time! Merchandise in the giveaway can be found there for purchase and 75% of the profits will be given to charity!!

POSTCARD GIVEAWAY

I’m going to have to limit it to one postcard per person and will let you know if this changes! But IF you want a postcard for ANY of these characters/duos, ALL you have to do is give this a like (if you want to reblog it to help me spread the word that would be EXTRA AWESOME!!), and then inbox OR IM me which one you want by giving me the character or ship name as listed below, AND the mailing address you’d like it sent to!! Below are a list of available postcards:

[don’t worry... the actual postcard does not have the watermark on it ;)]

Spartacus:

Agron | Nasir | Nagron | Nagron Postcard Pack [all 3; this is a VERY special offer!]

The 100

Marvel & DC

Miscellaneous

Blake Belladonna [RWBY] | Malec [Magnus & Alec from Shadowhunters] | Reylo [Rey & Kylo Ren from Star Wars] |

MUG GIVEAWAY: ENTER THE DRAW

SO, this is how its gonna work!! There are going to be 3 winners!! Which means I will draw three names from those who entered!!

How do I enter: SIMPLE! Reblog this with an added comment of how you are entering the draw! Please DO NOT only put it in your tags!! I may miss it! It MUST be in the comments on the reblog!

What do I win: A MUG!! But this is what makes it special . . . YOU get to pick the character or duo you want on there!! Even if I don’t have the design already made for it, I will make it FOR you!! It can be any character or ship from ANY fandom! It can also be an OC from a role play!! I will be working WITH you to make sure its exactly what you want!! Also, any of the characters or ships listed for the postcards, I have mugs for!! Additionally, I have MORE designs for character mugs than I do for the postcards so if there is a particular fandom you are interested in, let me know!!

How many winners will there be: There will be 3 winners!! Each one gets the same prize!

Will this cost me anything: NOOT a dime!! I will be making it AND mailing it to you free of charge!! The shipping is my responsibility! Regardless of where you live! This is for ALL my followers from ALL over the world!!

How long do I have to enter the draw: You have 12 days [one representing each month I’ve had this blog!!] starting today!! So that means that the draw will close on Monday, March 26th!!

Note: Its ONE entry PER mun!! Reblogging it multiple times will not get your name in there multiple times!!

AND THATS IT!! From the BOTTOM of my heart, THANK YOUU to each and every one of you for ALL you have done for me!! Whether its followed me, liked/reblogged my stuff, posted with me, or chatted with me!! I love each and everyone of you!! Please help me spread this post and sprinkle some positivity all over!!!! MUCH LOVE AND HUGS!!!!!! Can’t wait to hear from you all!! <3

#one year aggiversary #I CAN'T BELIEVE ITS BEEN A YEAR!!!#and omgg #its amazing how much the fandom has flourished in that time!!#THANK YOU EVERYONE #for sticking with meeee!!!#i love you guys!!#and I would LOVE to give you something back for all your support!!#and for following me!!!!!#will be reblogging this throughout the day #.. and probably next few days!!

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dragonflamefire · 6 years

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im about to ramble...

this is basically me ranting about how GRATEFUL i am for the friends i have now. when i look back on my past friendship that lasted basically my whole life till now, i realize that it probably wasn’t that great. I met my “BFF” before preschool like GEEZ- we we’re great friends; talked about everything, did everything together- we came and went and we met other people who loved her but i don’t think they ever really liked me... as we grew up, i started too realize i was going in a different direction... as sad as it is, me becoming an artist and it being apart of my dream, is what leads me to believe that we aren’t as close. she has a dream of becoming a doctor in a field relating to the eyes, and i became a huge fucking nerd who likes to draw and animate- NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT BY THE WAY- but i think we became to different... the friends we met along the way, the ones i didn’t think liked me... well they all hang out and have fun- 8th grade was the worst year for me... i was getting so much worse and i started to feel helpless- i didn’t think i could escape this hell i believed i had made for myself. heres why;;; i like to consider myself a nice person, a lot of people tell me that too- so we had a new kid at our school and she was in my class- so i talked to her because she seemed very left out. we kinda got along and i was letting her sit with me at lunch... when my other friends came, they were confused and actually really rude, questioning why she was in “her spot”. (i had two main friends, A will be the one from preschool, B will just be the other-) B was in volleyball and had been spending time with C ( a major bitch. we didnt have good history-) C was the only person B knew so I guess they started to go eat lunch at a classroom together. well A doesn’t show up to lunch for a few days and LOW AND BEHOLD she’s with them in the classroom... basically i asked them about lunch and they said its because they don’t like the new girl and B is trying to make friends with C because volleyball... yeah well BULLSHIT! They have like 2 other people with them btw (D and E) and so eventually, we get to a point where they DO eat out of the classroom but not at “our” table. They eat at the table BEHIND us.... do you know how FUCKED UP that is? My best friends don’t hang out with me and now they SHOW ME that they will hang out with other people... we walked to school together... A would walk to my house (we live on same street) and we’d go to a spot and wait for C then go to school. Then, after school, we met at a spot and walked home. yeah well.... sometimes they would stay after school so they’d text me... yeah i saw them walking once... so for a few days, i would text after school “sorry not walking today” and proceed to throw my hood on and cry. Now my house is like 10 min walk from my house so i have to try to stop crying. After a few days of texting that, i started not saying anything and i just always walked home alone, emotionless. At this point, during lunch i was silent with the other “friends” i had and i really cut myself off from people... the year just got worse and worse... i started getting bullied again (i say again because i was bullied in kindergarten) and at this point i only had “one friend”... yeah i lost her too..... my last term, i TA’d with this girl (F)and we became really close and we stuck out the rest of the year. At this point, i was walking to school alone and walking home alone. I wasnt happy a lot but i mean... i cant just show it... so i wore a mask... summer sucked because i was sort of mean to my parents but... i tried to have my birthday party... i asked all of them who could go and when... and “surprisingly” no one could come... everyone said no.... it was my first birthday “by myself”... i was broken, but you can’t let them see that- school starts rolling around and i ask my “friends” if we’ll be walking to school together- A says they have other plans and B says they are going to be dropped off. I left my home on the first day of school and saw them walking together........ holy shit i fucking cried;;; I CRIED BEHIND MY “FRIENDS” WHILE WALKING TO SCHOOL AND IT WAS THE FIRST DAY!!!!! ... so guess how lunch was... i stood by my next classroom door and didn’t eat lunch.... so lets go to class, AVID. Here’s where some good comes in. I sat down in the corner of the room, i was broken and had developed high anxiety; i was not going to be talking to anyone, no way... but then a classmate comes and sits next to me and introduces themselves... Amelia. I LOST MY FUCKING MIND! I didn’t know how to socially interact! Luckily i introduced myself but i probably looked like an idiot to her! then last period came and this cycle repeated for about a week. I started having lunch with F for the rest of the term, Amelia and I knew each other but we weren’t crazy friends, and i was still broken.

2nd term came. I had no one to sit with. I sat with different people everyday. somehow, i managed to find myself a group. 2 girls. one i met in middle school and we had gotten close but it ended and here we were again. this time we were friends, not classmates. then we met the other girl and we had a group. more people came, some people left. it was crazy. At this point, i was closer with Amelia and she had introduced me to some of my crazy friends @puffthetrex and @logicallymoral we weren’t that close but i really wanted to get to know them, i thought maybe i was getting another chance. time kept going by and we all got closer and closer. (oh fyi, A and B are in my AVID class too-) In term 2, i had animation, and here’s how the animation family formed. we had to get seats in alphabetical order (rows of three) and our two rows were right in the middle. one of us had mentioned a fandom and we all went insane (i think it was thomas sanders) then we all exchanged phone numbers and made a group chat. (if you cant tell, i am NOW trying to sum this up because i feel bad-)

throughout the terms we all got closer and we became a family with @puffthetrex @logicallymoral @disney-comics1371 and a few of our other friends. Amelia is also a part of this family and its great. I haven’t been doing this well in a while and i just cant ever express how thankful i am that i got another chance to meet these beautiful people. Now most of my anxiety stems from the past and i’ve been doing better. I don’t think i’d be alive if it weren’t for these amazing people. I’m not alone anymore, i can feel it. Of course, i’m going to have shitty days but i CAN count on them. I finally feel like i truly belong somewhere. and i still have thoughts that they “talk about me behind my back” or “want me to leave” and shit like that... all of this because of my “old friends”...

I love you guys so much and I honestly can’t thank you enough for wanting to be my friend and sticking with me through everything. I hope our connections grow stronger and we stick together.

THANK YOU

#flame's burning #and then the year ended the end #thank you #ilysm #family #you are all amazing thank you #im sorry #just thank you #love yall #goodbye

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hellosensitivity · 4 years

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‘i don’t know it just is’, selfishness and regret

Oct 5th, 2020

2006 was when we first engaged contact. Both, freshman in High School. Every interaction would begin with a playful punch to the arm. When I least expected it, you would be sure to put a little extra “umpf” into the punch. There were definitely times where it would hurt, but maybe “love is pain” (cue: “BIGBANG - Lies”, legendary song btw). Neither of us minded it. If anything, it always brought a smile to our face. It was one of the things I looked forward to the most during school days, within the ~11 minute gap in between our six class periods days. I didn’t think much of it at the time besides cherish the moment. This went on for a good ~2 years. You had a boyfriend at the time. I had a crush on another girl on the Badminton team we were on. Since she was the best girl player on the team, I spent A LOT of time improving my Badminton game so I could be the best guy player to impress her. It was some crazy long-con and oh so naïve idea I had that didn’t get me very far. We went on about our days and continued to grow up.

Around March 2008, was when I first had developed some very real feelings. You had broken up with your boyfriend, but kept calm and carried on.

I liked everything about you. Personality, looks, sense of humor, ambition, dedication, selflessness, the list goes on. In my eyes, you were truly perfect.

I had no idea how to express myself. Somehow, I mustered up the courage to say that “I like you” and she simply said “oh... i didn’t know that”. I asked her if it made her awkward, but she said “no”. She asked the same back and I said “yeah”, but she said “don’t be!”. The exchange ended there. Things continued to be casual.

We would always meetup in between periods, and walk to class together. I would try and throw in nice compliments and say things like “you’re pretty today”.

We would share the same math book because we had the same math class. I would have notecards in as placeholders / to put my notes on. One day, I open my book and see that my notes were drawn all over by her. She drew little cute drawings and so I would write / draw things back with her. It went back and forth for like 3 days since it happened the week before finals.

Going into the Summer break and beginning of our Senior year, was me talking to a lot of close friends about managing all my emotions, reading into the situations, and figuring out what to do.

Fast forward to Spring 2019, and I had asked you if we could turn our friendship into something more. You politely mentioned that you had to wait until college before dating. “No big deal”, I thought. I’ll just wait it out. “Hopefully, we get into the same college”. We continued to be friends and continued add to our list of great memories.

Little did I know, came the breaking point.

Prior to graduation, there were rumors of you and another guy seeing each other. It ended up being true. I couldn’t help but feel led-on and betrayed. It was a huge turning point in my mental well-being. My first real heartbreak even though we weren’t actually dating. Where did it go wrong? Why did this happen to me? Why am I like this? Questions that I thought about for years to come. Rejection was painful.

I started to ignore you, and you took notice. You didn’t have the courage to confront me about it, because you’re not the confrontational type. Eventually, enough of our friends convinced me to talk to you about the entire ordeal because we were both hurting.

We talked. You had told me that I was one of the best guy friends ever, and that you regret making me feel the way I felt. You never intended to break my heart and felt 100% guilty. You hoped that we could become friends again and that we could get passed this, and that you missed me. You said it would be okay if I didn’t agree, and losing me as a friend would become one of the biggest regrets of your life. I decided that, yes, we could rebuild that strong friendship we had again. At the end of that day, we exchanged hugs and smiles.

I lied. The very next day, I was still in utter pain from it all. I continued to ignore you. I felt like you didn’t deserve a friend like me. I didn’t know how to control my emotions and let it consume me. I just wanted to run away as far as I can. I was selfish.

Soon, we graduated and went our separate ways.

Years pass, and there were few occasions where us crossing paths again became very real. I did everything in my power to avoid it.

A lot of my decisions, things that I involved myself in, and where I am at now, were because of what we had gone through. This single series of events shaped me into who I am today. I was desperate for an escape from all this pain. This would continue even til this day, and no end appears to be in sight.

Looking back at it, I was 100% at fault. I was caught in my own emotions and threw away our friendship. Instead of preserving what we had, I left you with regret. I’m sorry.

This sounds like something out of a fairy tale, no joke (or no “cap” if I’m trying to stay with the times). A lot of people say, what happens in High School doesn’t even matter. We’re young and just still figuring it out. But, this is something I held dear to my heart, and has shaped me to be the person who I’ve become the past 10+ years. I feel like I’m paying the price now. My life has been filled with episodes of depression, and anxiety ever since. I deserve it for being such a shitty friend. Knowing you, you’d want me to overcome and get through this. I’m trying my best. It’ll come someday.

I always think about this from time to time, no matter what is going on. I don’t know what it was exactly, but being around you always made me happy. Anytime I ask myself when I was ever the most happiest, it was our friendship. I miss it.

Fast forward to Oct 4th, 2020. I discovered two songs:

eaJ x Seori - It just is (feat. Keshi’s Strat)

CHUNG HA & Christopher - Bad Boy

As I drowned myself in these two songs, I had a flashback of all those good memories we had (it sounds cheesy, I know. But, its the truth). The lyrics from both songs just really hit home. Even though we had a falling out, I still feel like you were one of the most complete and near perfect people I’ve ever met. I don’t think I could ever say anything bad about you, despite how I felt. These two songs remind me of the vivid memories I had of us.

It was around the time where “Wong Fu” was making a name for itself. They had just released “Just a Nice Guy”. This was around the time where we would listen to / share K-Pop music from BIGBANG, Girls Generation, Super Junior, Wonder Girls, Epik High, DBSK, etc, because it was a topic of interest we shared. You also introduced me to the Mando-Pop singer, Rainie Yang, who I still re-visit and listen until this day. I remember watching the Asian dramas: “Why Why Love” and “Boys before Flowers” because you recommended them to me.

I woke up on Oct 5th, 2020 to a Facebook notification about you. Coincidentally, I had taken the day off, and was inspired to write all of this.

Thanks for the great memories, and life experiences.

Sorry for being selfish. Sorry for only thinking of my feelings and not yours.

Sorry for throwing away our friendship.

Sorry for being one of the biggest things you regret losing in life. I regret it too.

Regardless, it’s been ~11 years and you seem to have got life figured out. You’re starting a family and on your way to become very successful in your career. I’m very happy for you.

Here’s to a life long wish of continued happiness to you and everyone you love.

Happy Birthday B.

Sincerely,

a memory.

0 notes

cinaea · 6 years

Note

I, M and Q for the fanfic ask meme? Sorry if thats too much or youve already answered one of those, btw, i absolutely adored trinity + volition, am super excited for the up coming part and hope youre having a lovely day!!

Hello, munchkin! Thank you for responding to the FanFic Meme!(This is a reminder to everyone else that they’re also welcome to send me anask!) I’m gonna take these out of order, to end on a fluffy note.

I: Do you have a guiltypleasure in fic (reading or writing)?

Let’s go with reading, ‘nony, because the next bit showcasesone of those guilty pleasures in my writing. Prepare for TMI, but hey, youasked. I browse the Tentacles tag on AO3 when I’m trying to get in the mood, ifyou know what I mean. Just about any fandom (no matter how obscure or badlywritten), I’ll read it as long as it’s short, complete, and explicit. I’m notlooking for thousands of words of character development—I want the raunchystuff up front. Bring me that sweet, dub-con xenophilia, baby.

In case you’re already sorry you asked, let’s move on toeven more disturbing pastures. Triggerwarning for dub-con in this one, folks, though if you’ve read Volition, I suspectyou’re comfortable rolling these dice.

Q: Do you have anydiscarded scenes/storylines/projects?

While writing Chapter 8 of Volition, I realized therehad been a pacing problem since Chapter 4, and that I was risking drawing out thedays of the interrogations too long to keep readers engaged. Also, man, commentershad turned against Steve hard, which hadn’t exactlybeen my intent—I’d hoped that general fanon love for Steve would help readerssee through that part of Bucky’s unreliable narrative.

Sidebar for an example: There’s amoment in Chapter 11 where Steve decides to stop kissing Bucky, and Bucky thinksto himself how self-righteous Steve’s being, thinking he knows anything abouttrauma. And I’m like: Surely people will see that this is a ridiculous thing to think about Steve;Steve has experienced plenty oftraumas and knows how they can fuckyou up. Fuck you, Bucky, you’re awful here.But no, commenters agreed with Bucky, and that was even after I’d sped up the outline to bring up some of Steve’s backstorysooner in Chapters 9 and 10.

So yes, I’d made a critical mistake and bogged down the 25-50%of the story with lots of incidents that essentially spun their wheels and didn’tbring Bucky and Steve any closer. I needed to get to the kissing and the disastrousbonding ASAP. I did some shuffling and condensed the planned Chapters 9-to-12into 9-to-11, sacrificing a few unsuccessful interactions and one big, momentousshowstopper that was planned but never written.

If you thought the failed D/s scene near the finale was high-stakes,just wait until you hear about the semi-disastrous blow job I had planned forwhat was originally Chapter 11, the day between the kiss in Tony’s lab and theirbonding! The goal was to introduce some sexuality into the story, as well asone more instance of all three of them fucking up. That meant putting Bucky ina desperate headspace where he’d be willing to do just about anything to securehis friends’ safety, while Tony and Steve were oblivious to Bucky’s skewedinterpretation of events.

Following the nerve-wrackinginterrogation that came dangerously close to revealing that Bucky had killedfor Mentallo willingly, Bucky stumbles to his doms’ bedroom in the middle ofthe night, anxious to convince them to bond, and finds them grinding againsteach other in bed. Bucky’s libido has been muted since assaulting Clint, but hecan’t help but watch from the doorway.

Tony spots him and coaxes him tojoin them. They all move to the edge of the bed, and they take turns kissing Bucky,who’s not sure if he’s into this, but he needs them to want him, and he feelslike he can’t risk saying ‘no,’ but they keep inviting him to greaterintimacies (because Tony’s problem in the first half is how much he assumes about Bucky), and he can’t seemto catch his breath or find his footing.

Steve ends up kneeling on the floorbetween Bucky’s legs, and Tony rubs Bucky’s arm and shoulder and kisses hisneck, urging Bucky to “Let him/he wants this so bad/etc.” Steve unzips Bucky'spants and pulls out his half-hard cock (it feels good but also weirdlysickening, he hasn't been even this hard in years), but Bucky's not sure hecan/should; this isn’t what he came for but doesn’t he owe it to his friends(uncomfortable echoes of the Ebersol mindset)? Tony puts Bucky's hand inSteve's hair and tells him he's in control, because of course that’s what Tony thinks Bucky needs. Bucky reflexivelytightens his hand in Steve's hair, and Steve takes that as a command and leansforward, maybe whispering "please." His dom is begging, and Bucky’s instincts and his brain both say he should lethim have what he wants, but.... Steve may possibly make skin contact, but Buckypanics and dashes out of the room. Or else Tony manages to talk Bucky throughthe entire blow job, but Bucky’s in a messed-up headspace the entire time, andcomes with a wave of guilt.

In looking for a way to condense the middle chapters, Iconfronted just how disturbingly dub-con the moment was, and ultimately I feltgood about cutting it. Aren’t we all glad I made that choice? The story didn’tneed any more train wrecks, and theirrelationship is healthier for not having included such a messed up sex scene.

Phew! That was dark. Let’s end on whimsy!

M: Got any premiseson the back burner that you'd care to share?

I’ve got this half-formed Bucky/Steve idea that I’d love tosomeday find the time to write, but I’ve got three more big stories to get outfirst (two in Trinity Universe, and one in GGundam). Who knows if I’ll ever find the time? It’s a ~fairytale mashupthat combines aspects of @astolat‘sfabulous The Crown of theSummer Court, the too-brilliant JonathanStrange and Mr. Norrell, a dash of the DresdenFiles novels, and a whole bunch of Fairy lore I’ve consumed over the years. Thepremise goes something like this:

Steve and Bucky are childhood friends in village on the edgeof a woods. One day Bucky wanders alone too far into the woods in search ofherbs to use as medicine for Steve, and ventures into a Fairy Ring. The Faesnatch Bucky away and replace him with a changeling that wastes away and dieswithin a week. Everyone believes the switch except Steve, who discovers thepiece of wood where Bucky’s body should be [something something the wood as stand-infor the metal arm? to be developed]. Steve studies everything he can about theFae over the years, and finally a passing sorcerer (Howard? Tony?) gives Stevethe potion that upgrades his sickly body to Cap body, and takes Steve along when he leaves town. Steve quests for years tofind Bucky, and [plot point to be determined] finds himself in the land of theFae, where he’s to serve as the champion for a Fairy Lord. Unbeknownst toSteve, the champion of the rival Fairy Lord is the Winter Soldier, a practicallymute human foundling who has spent more than a decade in Faerie and has beenspelled to forget his human past. The Winter Soldier is tasked with seducingSteve into violating some rule of hospitality before their scheduled match.Steve resists manfully even as he realizes it’s Bucky, and he makes it a termof his continued service to his sponsoring Lord to restore Bucky’s memory andfreedom if Steve wins. There’s a tournament, plenty of canoodling that Steve’shard pressed to deny, and an eventual happy ending.

…That’s about all I’ve figured out so far. Lots of pining, Faerierules lawyering, dueling, manly yearning,etc. I haven’t yet planned how to work in Peggy and/or Sam. T’Challa wouldlikely be the Fae Lord sponsoring Steve. Did I mention rules lawyering? Becauseyeah, I was going to have to come up with that twist, too. Difficult.

This has been fun, peeps! Let’s do more asks! And hey, ifyou like these Ask responses? Like my writings? Feel free to buy me a coffee sometime. After all, Iwrote this post from a Starbucks. Mama has an expensive habit.

#asked and answered #cinaea is a writer!#Volition #Trinity Universe #Fanfic meme #TW: dub-con #tentacles!#faerie rules lawyering #Anonymous

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the-100-meta-library · 7 years

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Dear followers and meta fans!

Today, we present you the first segment of a series of interviews that will feature the brains and minds behind all those wonderful analyses floating around The 100’s tumblr tag.

For our first interview, we are pleased to welcome Elizabeth, also known as the lovely @hawthornewhisperer!

We connected with Elizabeth back in May, before Season 4, Episode 12. So this a little bit of a blast from the past. Read to see how right-- and wrong-- we were about some speculating.

We’d like to thank Elizabeth again for her time, and the supporters of the Meta Library who encouraged us. Keep an eye out for the next interview!

The 100 Meta Library (bellamysfern): The first questions are just about some background info. Anything you feel comfortable releasing to the internet. Who are you, what do you do, how does that affect how you write meta (if it has any effect at all), and your level of fandom experience.

Hawthornewhisperer: Okay, well, first of all, thanks for interviewing me! This is an honor and I appreciate you guys doing this.

You can call me Elizabeth, and I'm a writer-slash-historian living in Minnesota. I teach college courses on European history and write romance novels on the side (second one should be out this year!)

In terms of how that influences my meta, I've found that both of my jobs dovetail very well into analyzing the show.

As a historian, my main lenses of analysis are gender and imperialism so I tend to apply those to the show as well-- in what ways do characters fulfill our expectations of femininity/masculinity, and in what ways do they challenge it? What does that tell us about the characters?

My imperialist/colonialist focus also helps me sort out what the writers are saying (either intentionally or unintentionally) with regards to hegemonic cultures, etc.

As a writer, I try to think about the choices the writers room is making and what that tells us about the story

Oh, and fandom experience-- I wrote fic for The Hunger Games (Gale/Madge, mostly) but The 100 is probably the first fandom I've been very active in. But my first true fandom is probably Star Wars.

BF: That's absolutely amazing. I feel like anything with fandom can be trivialized, but so much work goes into writing meta and thinking about the choices made on the show.

HW: Yes, definitely!

I have very strong feelings about the importance of fandom, particularly transformative fandom (fics, headcanons, etc) as a primarily female space and how important that is to protect and take seriously.

BF: Right. And I know you write fanfic too (very good fanfic, btw).

Do you think writing meta influences how you think about fanfiction? They are two different ways of interacting with a show, but both require authors to really understand the material.

HW: Oh yeah, definitely!

I see fic and meta as two sides of the same coin-- writing meta

helps me understand characters better, because if I can explain why Bellamy or Clarke would make a particular choice in a particular episode that helps me craft their characters in fics in a way that feels true (or I hope so, at any rate.)

And writing fic helps with meta, because I have a little insight into how writers make decisions. In particular it makes me slightly more sympathetic to plot twists that seem to have no clear resolution because I frequently write ficlets with cliffhangers and then have *no idea* where it's going after that, because sometimes I just like to raise the stakes for myself. Of course, there's a major difference in that my fics are only limited by my imagination and can go in any direction I choose, whereas the show has actor contracts, studio pressure, budgets, filming limitations, and a dozen writers working on one story, and they’re getting paid to do this so they should be really be better at it than me.

BF: Is there anything you've ever read (fic or meta) that surprised you? Any interpretation or theory that influenced the way you thought about the show?

HW: You know, most of my favorite metas and theories come from the Meta Station podcast, and I wouldn't say it's *surprising* but I do think my favorite theory this season is probably Erin's suggestion that Bellamy will be key to brokering peace between all the clans. (I think we got the start of it in the most recent episode, actually, with his faith in Octavia). It wasn't a direction I'd initially considered for his character, but it fits very well with the story they've been telling thus far this season and I hope we see it come to fruition.

In terms of influence, one thing I really enjoy about fandom is how *collective* it all is-- lots of people come up with complementary ideas that fit together and overlap in really intriguing ways, which makes narrowing down influence kind of difficult. But on a personal level, I do toss ideas back and forth with @reblogginhood a lot, which probably shows in my writing.

BF: Haha, my fill of meta usually comes from Meta Station too. I just listened to the segment talking about fic and fandom with Chash and thought "Wow, this is great interview prep".

HW: I can't wait to listen to that! Those are three of my favorite fandom people, talking about my favorite topics, so I'm excited.

BF: I know, I was so excited when I saw the announcement. It was super cute and funny. Anyway, back on topic.

So for you, meta is a more collective thing. Do you have a writing process and need to go through the same steps every time, or does it vary?

HW: It varies, for sure. Sometimes I realize something and can just throw it all together very quickly, and sometimes my idea is very vague and I have to write and write and write (and talk it over with people) before I really figure out what I'm saying. But after writing a dissertation I'm pretty used to writing six different versions of the same idea before I feel like I've found it. I just edit those metas very heavily as no one needs to read four false starts. 😉

BF: So the amount of time it takes to write metas varies too.

Are there any characters/themes that come easier than others?

HW: Oh definitely.

Bellamy is probably the easiest for me to understand, followed by Clarke. There are other characters that just don't *speak* to me/I have less interest in writing meta on, but that doesn't mean I dislike them.

Roan, for instance-- he's probably my favorite minor character in the whole show but I don't have too much desire to get into his headspace for some reason.

The-100-Meta-Library (parapluiepliant): We could have had it all. Still in denial about Roan by the way.

HW: I'll always be in denial about Roan, but he will live eternal, shiny, and chrome in all of my fics so at least we have that.

PP: Yippieh! Something to look forward to!

BF: I am still in real actual denial because I thought I saw something about Zach coming back for season five.

HW: I would totally be fine with time travel becoming a thing on the show if it meant someone could go back in time and save Roan.

PP: Talking about time travel: let's go back in time.

I just scrolled a bit through your The 100 meta tag and came upon "Bellamy Blake, Clarke Griffin, and The Iliad". It was one of your first metas, or am I wrong?

Even though that referred to season 3, would you say that some of it still holds true for season 4?

HW: It probably wasn't my first meta, just the first one I bothered tagging-- I'm terrible about that, and I apologize to everyone for my poor organizational skills.

BF: I'm right there with you with the tagging.

HW: You know, I'm not sure it does hold true for season 4? The core of the Iliad is hubris, rage, and war between nations being manipulated by the gods, and that doesn't seem to be the story they're telling in season 4.

I will say, in retrospect I do think both Clarke and Bellamy were the Achilles in season 3 -- Clarke for separating herself from the fight, and Bellamy because it was his anger over Mount Weather 2.0 that incited a lot of the conflict.

(But I also doubt they were doing a straight parallel, so take that for what it's worth)

PP: Okay. Just a thought. I am not that familiar with the Grounders (and to the Arkadians to some extent) might still be an entertaining thought.

HW: Ooooh yes, that would work very well, especially since I suspect conflict between Becca and Cadogan is at the root of a lot of problems the societies are facing.

BF: I did find it interesting that the brought the Iliad in so explicitly. And there was a lot of speculation based on it, when maybe so much worth shouldn't have been placed on the Iliad/Odyssey.

But we won't know until the end, I guess.

HW: Yeah, it's tough to know what is meaningful and important and what's just a fun, throwaway moment until you've got a complete narrative to examine. But I do enjoy how fandom can take something like "Bellamy gets a present that probably just means he's a Big Ol' Nerd" and turn it into a coherent, unifying gloss on the season.

PP: One of the most entertaining and enlightening things in the fandom for me.

HW: Yeah, me too.

Fandom is such an enriching experience in so many ways.

PP: Another question in that regard: Is there a meta of yours of which you are most proud of? Or which you thought of as the most fun to read/the most clarifying in regard to certain aspects?

HW: I think the one I'm proudest of would be the one I wrote about Bellamy undercutting the Alpha Male trope, because I find "how we perform and understand gender" to be a really interesting topic, and I think Bellamy as a character really complicates our understanding of what it means to be an alpha male.

And I think some of that is directly intended by the writers, but I also think some of it comes from the performances (Bob in particular, but also Ian, Eliza, and Mike Beach because he's not just reading what's on the page, he's reacting to their performances as well.)

It makes Bellamy into a really interesting and nuanced character in a way that draws me in.

PP: Absolutely! One of the reasons I love him so much.

BF: Do you have a lot of interaction with your meta? Do people mostly reblog or like it, or do you get some conversations going?

HW: I think mostly people just like and reblog posts, but every so often someone will add something to my meta that I hadn't considered/seen before and it'll just blow my mind. I love it when that happens.

And sometimes people send PMs to respond and I end up having long, in depth conversations about characters with people I've never met before, and I *also* love that. I've made some really great friends that way.

BF: Fandom friendships are so interesting that way.

HW: Yeah, definitely.

I really treasure the friendships I've made in fandom, and I know they'll outlast the show itself, which is wonderful.

BF: Yeah, definitely contradicts everything people told you about everyone on the internet being dangerous. But I haven't met an axe murderer yet.

HW: Haha right? *fingers crossed*

PP: Who says that I am not one?

HW: Oh no! Haha!

BF: You are on the other side of the ocean. I think I'm good. Well, that was all questioning that I had. Laura?

PP: I would have one last question.

Can we hope for another meta pretty soon and if so, can you already tease it a bit?

HW: You know, there's nothing that I'm currently writing, I think because most of the stuff I'm interested in from 411 (the Bellarke fallout) seems to be on hold until 412, but I also tend to work best in response to prompts/questions.

So is there something you'd like me to talk about/you're interested in discussing?

BF: What’s your Becca/Cadogan speculation?

HW: Oooh, good one!

I think Cadogan's messed up childhood (Jaha mentioned an abusive father) is going to resurface, and I suspect it was a conflict between him and Becca that set things into motion. I have my fingers crossed for a flashback!

PP: Definitely. Oh, I missed that with Jaha because my stream didn't work properly. I really need to watch it so I can catch up!

HW: The Jaha-Cadogan mention was just a throwaway line, however, so I might be putting too much weight on it. And as for the Bellarke fallout, I do think Clarke holding a gun on him and then being unable to pull the trigger, even though she truly believed the human race might die if she didn't pull it, is going to carry a lot of weight in their relationship.

Clarke has consistently been shown as willing to put her own wants and needs and loves aside in order to save people, and this is one of the first times we see her make a heart choice instead of a head choice, if that makes sense.

But Clarke's decision to not shoot Bellamy was really big, and while I'm disappointed we didn't get the fallout immediately, I think 411 was a really busy episode and I have hopes that it will be addressed in some respect in 412.

BF: Thanks so much for taking so much time to talk to us!

HW: Of course! Thank you for interviewing me-- this was really fun!

#author interviews #hawthornewhisperer #the 100 meta

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nottellingu · 7 years

Text

A/N: A teacher!lily / singledad!james au because my school reopened. Well it’s three weeks past so . . .

Read it on ff.net

“Just one more.”

“No Dad, we’ll be late,” Five year old Harry Potter whined. But nonetheless he posed for another photo.

James Potter clicked away on his phone. With his toothy grin and his too-big-Bob-the-Builder-backpack, Harry was the most adorable kid to ever walk the earth.

“Da-ad,” Harry whined again.

“Okay, okay, I’ll stop.” James slipped his phone into his pocket and took his son’s hand. Together they began walking to the red school building.”

When they finally found the right classroom, there was a young teacher in a pretty floral dress standing outside the classroom.

“Hello. I’m your new teacher, Ms. Evans.”

Harry half hid himself behind James’ leg. “I’m Harry Potter,” he said shyly.

Ms. Evans knelt down. “Hi Harry, do you like fingerpainting?”

“I haven’t tried it.”

“Would you like to?”

Harry nodded and came out from behind James’ legs.

“Good. I like people who try new things. I think we’ll be great friends. Do you know why?” Ms. Evans leaned in closer to Harry and whispered so softly James had to strain his ears to hear. “We both have green eyes.”

And sure enough, they both did have the same green eyes. It was uncanny, really. James didn’t know where Harry got his eyes from. He had only met Harry’s mother twice in his life – once for a quick screw in the club bathroom and then the day she dumped Harry in his arms – and both those times he hadn’t really paid attention to the colour of her eyes.

Ms. Evans’ eyes were beautiful - the kind you could write poetry about, the kind you could get lost in, the kind that could cure any ailment, the kind that could -

“We do!” Harry exclaimed loudly. Ms. Evans laughed. James shook himself out of his reverie.

“Well then,” she started saying and took Harry’s hand to lead him inside the class. “Let’s go.”

Harry walked a few steps before stopping.

“What’s wrong?” Ms. Evans looked down and frowned slightly at him.

“Can my Dad come too?” He asked timidly. “He’s my bestest friend.”

“Oh, no bud. Remember we discussed this - ” James began but Mrs. Evans cut him off.

“It’s fine, Mr. Potter. Parents are allowed to sit with their children today for an hour. It’s sort of an orientation class.” She turned her head to smile at a new mother-daughter duo. “I’m sorry, I have to greet the others. You can help Harry find his place, his name is stuck on it.” With a parting smile, she left.

James walked over to Harry to help him find his seat. They sat down and James asked Harry how he liked his new class.

“I like Ms. Evans,” Harry said decisively and turned to talk to the red haired boy next to him.

“Me too,” James agreed silently while watching the attractive teacher interact with her students.

James pulled out his phone to text his best friend, Sirius.

James Potter to Sirius Black: ill b 1 hour late orientation class with harry

Sirius Black: i’ll cover 4 u. as usual.

Sirius Black: how’s d lil bugger?

James Potter: he likes his new teacher

Sirius Black: she fit??????

James Potter: the fittest

James Potter: green eyes

Sirius Black: haha u r so fucked

James Potter: i kno

Ms. Evans wished everyone a Good Morning and he put his phone away.

“Welcome to kindergarten! Since it’s your first class I thought we could start with something fun. I’m going to give you all a white paper and some paints. You can use your fingerprints to make a cool picture with your parents. Does that sound fun?”

There were a few mumbled ‘yes’es, some remained silent but most talked amongst themselves.

She distributed the paper and gave each table a set of paints. Harry and James dipped their fingers in the various paints to make a pot of flowers. James’ huge thumbprints became the brown flowerpot and Harry’s tiny fingerprints became the colourful flowers.

“What pretty flowers,” Ms. Evans commented from behind James.

“Thanks Ms. Evans,” Harry beamed and proceeded to press his finger on the paper with a renewed zeal.

“It’s a pot of flowers because we’re the Potters. Get it?” James was awarded with a light tinkling laugh for his joke. His stomach swooped.

“Very clever.” She grinned before moving over to the next desk.

When it was time for the parents to leave Ms. Evans made announcement.

“On your child’s desk, I’ve kept a file for the parents. One set of papers are forms for emergency contacts, allergies and other such details. I would appreciate it if that form could be filled and handed over to the office in three days. Another paper has all my contact details. Please don’t hesitate to call me if you have any trouble.”

James found the blue file she was talking of and immediately flipped to her contact details.

Lily Evans

Phone Number: 7639847906

Email: [email protected]

If you wish to meet with me in person, you may do so during the lunch break, 12:00 – 1:00.

James saved the number into his phone at once. For Harry’s sake only and not for any other reason.

(Yeah, right.)

As the weeks passed, Harry grew steadily fonder of Ms. Evans. It was Ms. Evans this and Ms. Evans that. Not that James minded. Not in the least. In fact, James too grew steadily fond of Ms. Evans with each of Harry’s stories about her, not to mention the small smiles she would give him when he picked up Harry from school.

One afternoon, as James was collecting Harry from school, Ms. Evans stopped him.

“Mr. Potter, I would like to talk to you for a minute.”

“Er-sure.”

“Harry, why don’t you go draw me picture?” Ms. Evans suggested. She pulled out some crayons and a paper and settled Harry in a seat in the corner. She gestured for James to follow him to the teacher’s desk.

“Mr. Potter, I think your son needs glasses.”

“Glasses?”

“Yes, he has a hard time seeing the board. Perhaps this weekend you or your wife could take him to the ophthalmologist on Third Street.”

“I’m not married but will do. Thanks.”

Ms. Evans smiled at him and his brain turned to mush.

“Bye Harry,” Ms. Evans waved to them as they were leaving. “Goodbye Mr. Potter.”

James Potter to Lily Evans: i took Harry to d doc

James Potter: u were right

James Potter: he needs glasses

James Potter: btw this is james

James Potter: james potter

Lily Evans: if u were tryin to do bond james bond that was a MASSIVE FAILURE

Lily Evans: glad to help :)

James Potter: help show dat i’m a failure?

Lily Evans: NO. help harry.

Lily Evans: tho that was fun 2.

James Potter: i’m offended

James Potter to PETE HAS A DATE! The world ends at 8:30 tonight: she txts lyk me

James Potter: and congrats Pete

James Potter: what did u do

James Potter: blackmail her

Sirius Black: haha good one

Peter Pettigrew: i hate u both

Remus Lupin: Who texts like you?

Sirius Black: who else? harry’s teacher. the one he FANCIES

Peter Pettigrew: u r pathetic

Reums Lupin: I second that.

James Potter: she is a nice person with a cute cat

Remus Lupin: How do you know that?

James Potter: . . . . . . . . i found her ig

Sirius Black: fyi I’m facepalming

James Potter: she posts pics of her cat

James Potter: her bf

James Potter: or her cat and bf

James Potter: her captions r puns and funny jokes

Peter Pettigrew: she has a boyfriend?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Remus Lupin: Again, you are pathetic.

Sirius Black: Say aye if u think Prongs is pathetic and needs a shag

Remus Lupin: aye

Peter Pettigrew: aye

Sirius Black: AYEEEEEE

James Potter: NAYYYYYYYY

James Potter: BF AS IN BEST FRIEND

James Potter: @marmarlovesbonbons

Sirius Black changed group name to James Potter is the new CEO of Stalker™

James Potter changed group name to NO I’M NOT

Remus Lupin: It’s not too late. You can still get help.

James Potter: blocked

James Potter: gtg harry spilled milk

Remus Lupin: Good riddance.

On Monday morning James dropped Harry bright and early unlike most days on which they managed to reach in the nick of time. In fact Harry was the third in class; the other two were a boy with blonde hair and a girl with bushy brown hair who James recognized as Hermione Granger and one of Harry’s best friends.

“You’re early,” Ms. Evans said. Then she noticed Harry’s new glasses. “You got glasses!”

“They’re just like my Dad’s.” Harry said proudly. Harry had chosen the round, wire-rimmed spectacles despite the doctor telling him he looked adorable in the glasses with the green, rectangular frames.

“You look handsome, just like your Dad.”

“Thanks, Ms. Evans,” Harry beamed. “I’m going to show Hermione my new glasses. Bye Dad!” Harry quickly walked up to Hermione, leaving the two adults alone.

“You think I’m handsome?”

“Don’t flatter yourself. I think Harry’s cute.”

“No, I don’t think that’s what you said. You said that Harry looks handsome, just like his dad.”

A slight flush coloured her cheeks, making her look very appealing. “I’ve got lessons to plan,” she said in a small voice and turned away from James, purposefully ducking her head.

James laughed.

James Potter to The Lads and the Dad: she thinks i’m handsome

Remus Lupin: Not this again.

Sirius Black: poor ms. evans

Sirius Black: I didn’t kno she was blind.

Peter Pettigrew: ahahahaHAHAHAHAHAH

James Potter removed Sirius Black

Remus Lupin added Sirius Black

Sirius Black removed James Potter

Sirius Black changed group name to The Lads

Remus Lupin added James Potter

James Potter changed group name to The Lads and the HANDSOME Dad

Remus Lupin removed James Potter

“I want chocolate fudge,” Harry told Sirius.

It was Sirius’ birthday and Harry, James and all his friends were out at the ice cream parlor in a mall. The mall was a shoddy building which had once been the office of a company that went bankrupt. Nobody cared for the mall much but it was home to the best ice cream parlor in the world, namely Florean Fortescue’s Ice Cream Parlor.

Before Harry was born, all the lads would have gone to a pub and gotten completely sloshed. But the last time they did that, Harry was conceived. Now they stuck to ice cream parlors and arcades.

“For me too,” Remus added while Peter nodded in agreement.

“You’re buying your own ice cream. I’m only sponsoring the little twerp,” Sirius said and ruffled Harry’s hair goodnaturedly.

“Harry, what did Ms. Evans teach you yesterday?” Peter asked.

“That we must be kind and help those in need.”

“Don’t you think Uncle Sirius should be kind and help those in need?” Remus pursued.

“Yes.”

“And how can he help us?” asked Peter.

“By buying everyone ice cream.” Harry said. Peter and Remus smirked, James laughed, Sirius grumbled words which made James smack him over the head.

James, Harry and Peter found a table by the window while Sirius and Remus went to order the ice cream. James fiddled with his phone as Peter taught Harry how to make a swan out of the cheap paper napkins on the table. James didn’t pay much attention until Harry shouted, “Ms. Evans!”

James turned to look where Harry was looking. Ms. Evans stood by a nearby table, a shopping bag in one hand and the other hand balanced her vanilla ice cream. She wasn’t wearing the skirts or dresses that James was accustomed to seeing her in but was wearing ratty jeans and a t-shirt that advertised her love for The Beatles. James decided that Lily Evans was the type of person who looked good in anything she wore.

Ms. Evans saw them and smiled in recognition. She walked over to the table where they sat.

“Hello Harry, what are you doing here?”

“It’s Uncle Sirius’ birthday.”

“Well, tell him I say Happy Birthday.”

“Look! He’s over there.” Harry pointed to where Sirius and Remus were making their way back to the table.

They set down the ice cream. Harry was happy to ignore the grown-ups around him and dug into his ice cream.

“Happy Birthday,” Ms. Evans warmly wished Sirius.

“Thanks,” Sirius replied chirpily. “You must be Ms. Evans.”

“How did you know?”

“Harry talks of you all the time.” Sirius pointedly looked at James as he said the last three words. James ignored him.

“He talks of you too.”

Peter, who had finished making his swan, tuned into the conversation. “Wait, you’re Ms. Evans?”

“Yes, Pete. Please keep up,” Sirius commented.

“The one and only,” she grinned.

“Cheers. You got us free ice cream.”

“Erm, thanks.” Ms. Evans seemed confused. “I think.”

“Don’t worry. It’s a compliment.” Remus said.

“I should hope so. You must be Uncle Remus.”

“I should hope so,” Remus echoed and Lily laughed.

James finally seemed to find his voice. “What are you doing here?”

“Why Mr. Potter, are you one of those people who believe teachers live in school?”

“Uh, no?” James said almost as if he was doubtful.

“I ran out of Ribena,” she shrugged.

Sirius grinned at the mention of his favourite non-alcoholic drink. “I like her.”

Just then a tall, blonde woman joined Ms. Evans and James recognised her at once. “The paper towels in the loo are shi-” she began to say.

“Marlene,” Ms. Evans cut in. Her eyes pointed to Harry who was examining the new lady inquisitively. “This is my student, Harry, his father and various uncles.”

“Oh hello,” she mumbled sheepishly. The others just nodded. “The paper towels in the loo are shitake mushrooms.”

“Shitake mushrooms?” Harry asked curiously.

“Yeah, I hate shitake mushrooms. Bleh.” She screwed up her face to make an exaggerated, funny face.

Harry giggled. “I hate onions. They make your mouth smelly.” He then resumed eating his ice cream and tuned out of the conversation.

“Are you @marmarlovesbonbons?” Sirius asked.

“Yes.” Marlene narrowed her eyes suspiciously at him and even Ms. Evans regarded him questioningly.

It was mark of their friendship that Sirius didn’t even wince when James stomped on his foot; he had been anticipating it.

“I think you came on my suggested once,” Sirius explained.

“Right,” Marlene replied dubiously. She turned to Ms. Evans. “I think we’d better go, Lily.”

“Yeah. Nice meeting you,” Ms. Evans told the boys. “Goodbye Mr. Potter. I’ll see you for the parent-teacher meeting on Monday. Bye Harry!”

There were ‘Byes and ‘Goodbyes’ said in a variety of tones from all around the table. James watched her leave until the last strand of her auburn hair disappeared from sight.

“I like Ms. Evans’ friend,” Harry declared as he finished his cup of ice cream.

“Do you like Ms. Evans?” Sirius had a devious glint in his stormy eyes.

“I love Ms. Evans.”

“Your Dad likes Ms. Evans too.”

“Sirus,” James warned but Sirius ignored him.

“How would you feel if they got married?” Sirius persisted.

“You mean Ms. Evans would be my Mummy? That would be so cool.” Harry was thrilled. “Dad, are you going to marry Ms. Evans?”

“No, Harry. Your Uncle Sirius is just being stupid.”

“Harry! James said a bad word. Take five quid from him.”

“Stupid is not a bad word,” Harry said sagely

“What?” Sirius cried. “Last week I gave you two pounds for saying stupid.”

“Ms. Evans says stupid.”

“Really?”

“She says ‘stupid chalk’, ‘stupid shoes’, ‘stupid pencil’, ‘stupid stapler’ . . .” Harry went on.

Stupid became James’ new favourite word.

Come Monday afternoon, James felt jittery. He had never felt this anxious for a parent-teacher meeting, not even when his parents were called to the principal’s office after he flooded the school hallway.

As usual, he was one of the last parents to arrive. Ms. Evans was talking to a mother and father, while two children were playing with legos in the corner of the classroom, one of them being his own son. When James entered, Ms. Evans finished talking to the other parents. She gestured for James to sit in the seats the other couple had occupied moments before.

“Good Afternoon, Mr. Potter.”

On an impulse he said, “James.”

“I’m sorry?”

“You can call me James.”

“All right then,” Ms. Evans smiled and she stuck her hand out, “I’m Lily.”

James shook her hand and it was as soft as he had expected. “Nice to meet you ,Lily.”

“Harry is a good kid. He’s friendly with his classmates though at times he fights with Draco.”

“That kid deserves it,” James said darkly. He had heard all the stories of Draco cutting in line and Draco stealing Neville’s ball.

“Be that as it may,” Lily continued, amused. “Fighting with students is frowned upon. Harry is also very curious about the world but perhaps it would be best to teach him that living animals belong outside and not in his pocket.”

James laughed. And then shuddered. He remembered having to scrape out a dead lizard form Harry’s pockets when he was doing the laundry yesterday.

“Another thing I’d like to discuss is that lately Harry has taken to calling me Mum.”

James cringed.

“I know it must be difficult without a mother but no matter what I say he isn’t stopping.”

“That’s just a joke between him and Sirius.”

“Oh?”

Well. . . what to say? What to say, indeed.

“Sirius might have told Harry that I like you.”

“Oh?” Her expression remained unreadable.

“Yeah.” Now that that was out in the open, James might as well expose all his cards. “In fact, I really like you and would love it if you’d grab some lunch with me.”

James was hyper aware of everything as the seconds dragged on –the way Lily’s lips had parted ever so slightly, the way her eyes had widened fractionally, the way his palms were becoming disgustingly sweaty and how dry his throat was becoming.

“I’m sorry,” Lily finally said apologetically. “There’s a rule that teachers can’t date their students’ parents.” James’ face must have shown disappointment because she quickly amended, “And I’m not just making an excuse. I genuinely like you too.”

James brightened at that admission.

“But I’d like to stick to the rules,” she finished.

James leaned over the table separating them. “But would you be open to a date when Harry’s in grade one?”

Lily smiled coyly, “Maybe.”

“I’m going to take that as a yes.”

She laughed and Harry, who was now the only student in the classroom, came running to know what was so funny.

“Nothing, Harry. Ms. Evans and I just made a deal.” James and Lily shared a secret smile.

“That you’re going to get married?”

Lily sputtered a bit behind the desk but James didn’t take his eyes off her while answering Harry.

“Maybe.”

#jily fanfiction #jily oneshot #jily #jily archive #fyeahjamesandlily #teacher!lily #single dad! james #lily evans #james potter #harry potter #sirius black #remus lupin #peter pettigrew #nottellingu writes #and refers to herself in third person

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