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glassartpeasants · 3 months

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How to Love

Eustass Kid/Trafalgar Law x F!Reader

Warnings: angst, fluff, semi-slow burn?, beginnings to chapters are hard </3

A/N: yeah here we are. just wanted to set a light on what the base plan is. Also, this takes place RIGHT after the prologue ends. hopefully, it's good for a first chapter.

~~~

Your heart beats harshly against your ribs as the events of only moments ago replay in your mind like a broken record. The images of the two most significant people in your world, your boyfriend and your best friend, betraying you, makes your head spin. It almost feels unreal, like a nightmare instead of reality.

But it wasn’t a dream. It was a harsh reality, a stark contrast to the life you thought you were living.

Instead of waking up next to your boyfriend, you find yourself in a disorienting place: your ex-best friend's ex-boyfriend's car. Random items you managed to grab scattered across the passenger side and on your lap. The smell of Eustass’s cologne, a scent that used to bring comfort, now only added to your heartbreak, still plaguing your nose.

“Thank you, Law. You really didn’t have to.” Despite being almost inaudible, Law still heard you like you were screaming. The tremble in your voice notifies him of his own inability to speak without breaking down.

“It’s fine. Thank you for telling me about (.....)-ya’s infidelity.” The fact you even told him in the first place shocked him. You had known (.....) for years, and she was your best friend, while you only had a class project with him. Given that it was a whole semester-long, you were willing to throw away a friendship just like that.

“You're a good guy, Law. You don’t deserve to be cheated on. Whether we’re friends or strangers. I would have told you regardless. No one deserves such heartbreak.” Law can see tears slipping down your cheeks out of the corner of his eyes. The fact that you're trying to stay strong after being the one to discover the affair is admirable in a sense. It could also be that you didn’t want him to see you cry. The latter sounds more plausible.

“I'm glad I didn’t delete your number. It would have been awkward if I had tried to catch you at work.” A small, sad chuckle left your lips. The tension in the car was too much, and you needed something to keep your mind distracted so you didn’t start wailing in front of Law.

“That would have been a scene I’m grateful we avoided. I like to keep my private life and work life separate.”

“I’m the same in a sense. I don’t tell my co-workers much except to recommend shows or movies. I know you're more of a book guy, but have you seen any shows or movies recently?”

“(.....)-ya made me watch a movie the other day. It was a horror movie.”

“Oh. Was it good?”

“No, it was terrible.” You couldn’t help but let out a small laugh at Law's cold tone.

“Bad effects, or was it a storyline issue?”

“I could’ve made a better movie with a budget of two dollars.” Even though tears still fall from your eyes against your wishes, Law manages to make you laugh to ease the pain.

“Well, have you read any good books recently?”

“Haven’t had the time.” Law’s admission made your eyes furrow together. You know the medical field could be rough, but there wasn't enough time for him to read?

"The bookworm hasn't read recently? Are you sure you're the real Law?" A small smile tugs at the corner of Law’s lips as he listens to you talk, but even he can only hide the effects of heartbreak for so long.

Whether Law knew it or not, you could see tiny droplets of water gather in his eyes. Seeing him trying to hold it together made it just a bit harder to prevent yourself from breaking down. You grip the seat of his car and try to regulate your breathing. Clenching your teeth together, you lay your head on the window and look outside. The sudden tap of water hitting the glass makes you jump. You look around and watch as more water droplets start hitting the car.

“It’s raining. I thought it was supposed to be sunny all day?”

“I thought so, too.” The thick, tense silence rose once again, making it hard to breathe. If there had been enough room, you would have curled yourself up in a ball and cried. But you could do that when you get to...

“Where are we going?”

“My apartment. Just for now.”

“Ah, okay. Do you have any alcohol at your place?”

“Maybe some (.....)-ya left. Why?”

“So we can drink away our sadness.”

“I’m not much of a drinker.” A second silence covers the car.

“So I can drink away our sadness.”

“We’ll see when we get there.”

~~~

Your feet feel heavy as you walk into Law’s apartment. It’s been a while since you’ve been inside it. After the project was finished, you stopped coming over. Law’s busy schedule and your own just didn’t mix. Sometimes, you’d text him to check up on him and ask him how he was doing. He’d take hours or a day to respond, but you never held it against him. He always answered before it had been 48 hours, so it was okay with you.

Looking around his apartment, you see things that hadn’t been there before: some plants, many pictures on the wall, a TV, and some knickknacks you recognize that belong to (.....). The atmosphere was more welcoming than when you first visited Law’s apartment. If an apartment could feel like a hospital waiting room, then that’d be Law’s place before (.....) put her touch on it.

Placing your things near the couch, you take a deep breath as you rub your sternum to try and soothe the pain in your chest. All the pictures of Law and (.....) smiling happily nailed to the walls made your throat go dry. The images of your own apartment clouded your vision as you remembered your own photos with Eustass. Pictures of times when you did matching Halloween costumes, went to concerts together, relaxed at a beach together, or the two of you would just stay home. Every picture held a memory.

A once cherished memory is now tainted by the image of betrayal. No amount of effort can make that image disappear. Even your happiest memories become blurry when you hear (.....) calling out Eustass's name. It ignites a fiery rage inside you, and seeing (.....)'s face everywhere makes you clench your teeth. You feel like tearing apart every picture of Law and (.....) just to remove her face from your sight. Every bone in your body screams at you to lose control. To destroy everything that reminds you of Eustass and (.....) until it is nothing but microscopic pieces.

But you weren’t home. The home you once had was now lost to time. For now, your ‘home’ depends on whether Law will allow you to stay the night for tonight.

“You can stay the night on the couch for tonight if you want. I have blankets in the closet over there.” You let out an internal breath of relief from Law, answering your question without being asked.

“Thank you, Law. Can I make you dinner or something? Just so I can repay your kindness?” You watch Law lean against the kitchen counter before crossing his arms. His eyes staring out into space.

“I haven’t gone shopping yet this week, so I don’t have much.”

“I’m sure I can craft up something.”

“If you want, then go ahead.” The sound of a ringtone brings a silence to the both of you. You check your phone and see the screen’s black.

“I think it’s yours.” Pulling out his phone from his pocket, you watch Law look at the screen. A frown crosses his face immediately, letting you know the caller. Letting out a heavy sigh, you watch him answer the phone.

“What do you want (.....)-ya?” While you couldn’t understand what she was saying, the tone of her voice was frantic. You could hear sobs coming from the other line. Hearing them pissed you off to hell and back. Didn’t (.....) have a shred of decency? How dare she plead and beg after she committed such an act?

You had to sit on the couch to calm yourself down just so you wouldn’t start screaming at (.....) through the phone. As soon as your body relaxed on the couch, a wave of soreness came over you. It feels as if you’ve been working out for hours on end and only now stopped. Even your eyelids felt heavy as you feel tears starting to form and blur your vision. Trying to breathe normally falls short as you begin to hyperventilate. Your lungs burn as you can feel your throat constricting. It feels like you're swallowing your heart just to keep yourself quiet.

“I meant what I said (.....)-ya. I’m breaking up with you, and that’s final. You can come get your things tomorrow afternoon.” Hearing Law’s voice helped soothe a part of your aching soul. Hearing something other than your own ragged breathing helped calm down the streams of tears that were flowing down your face.

“I’m done talking with you (.....)-ya. Goodbye.” The sound of Law’s calls ending made you rub your face, trying to hide the tears that plagued you seconds ago.

“Your more civil than I would have been. I probably wouldn’t have even picked up her call.” Your voice cracked as you tried to let out a small laugh.

“She was asking me for a ride. Apparently, her and Eustass got in a fight, and he threw her out in the rain.” Scoffing in disbelief, you turn your head to look at Law, hoping he wouldn’t notice your puffy eyes.

“She asked you for a ride after cheating on you? Serves her right, getting thrown in the rain. Hope she gets a cold.” You can see Law’s body tremble and how he bites his lip. His eyes get glassy as he looks at the ceiling.

“Fucking a man.” Even from across the room, you can hear Law whispering to himself. You hated seeing him like this. Watching someone you care about hurt only adds to the pain you feel.

“Hey…do you wanna watch something to get our minds off them?”

“I should go back to work. They probably need me.” You let out a hum, hearing his words. A slight feeling of rejection crosses your mind, but you're quick to shake it off. The last thing you wanted was to make him uncomfortable. And if he was the type to work away his feelings, who were you to stop him?

“Well, drive safe. It sounds like the rain is hitting harder.” The sound of rain beating against the windows of Law’s apartment was finally acknowledged. Its beat almost matched Law’s own heartbeat as he thought about the phone call only minutes ago.

Hearing (.....)’s voice felt like nails on a chalkboard as she tried to explain what happened. The voice that once calmed his aching heart was now the reason it hurt. It was astonishing how fast his whole world flipped upside down. Earlier today, he couldn’t wait to come home and see (.....) and have her talk to him about her day. But now, instead of (.....) smiling at him, you were sitting on his couch with puffy eyes.

The way he could hear the tremble in your voice and how the light shined against the path of tears left on your face made his own wave of emotions try to surface. Even if he could tell you were trying hard to hold them back, he could see tears collect against your eyelashes. The sight had tears accumulating in his own eyes, making him look up at the ceiling to try and stop them. He didn’t need to show how bad (.....)’s betrayal has affected him. At least not in front of you.

Sure, you guys were going through the same thing together, but it wouldn’t help him or you if he let his own emotions out. It’d just be easier to shove them down, ignore them, and work until the pain left. He’s done it before, so he can do it again.

“Um, Law?” Looking back down, he sees you standing in front of him. You refuse to meet his eyes as you fiddle with the bottom of your shirt.

“Yeah?”

“Can I hug you?” Law felt his heart skip a beat hearing your request. A part of him told himself no that he’d break down the moment you wrapped your arms around him. Yet, the voice of someone he used to know told him something different.

“Okay.” As soon as the words left his lips, he felt your body smushed up against his. Your arms held him in a tight embrace as the sound of your hushed sniffles made Law finally cave. Wrapping his own arms around you, a sense of comfort filled him. The feeling of being cared for once again was nice yet terrifying. As soon as the feeling would come, it’d leave just as fast.

But for now, he’ll indulge in your hold.

~~~

The blanket that wrapped around you did little to replicate Law’s hug. Sure, you were warm, but it wasn’t the same. It reminded you of how alone you were. You had no family in this city, and your only friends were (.....) and Law, but you wouldn’t count him as an option due to the current predicament. It felt like you were running in circles with every idea that popped into your head. Always leading to a dead end and making you start all over again.

You couldn’t go back home. It’d take you around three to four hours to drive there! Plus, you didn’t leave on a good note with your parents when you left for college. And if their last words to you were anything to go by, they didn’t want you back. You shake your head at the thought of your parents.

“No. No need to drag myself down even more thinking about them.” Slithering your hand out of your blanket cocoon, you grab your phone that was on your right. The black screen stared at you as it showed your reflection. Eyes red from tears earlier and a cut lip from biting on it so hard earlier.

A ding echoes across the empty apartment as the phone's black screen soon turns on. The quick flash makes your eyes burn before squinting to try and get used to the brightness. Once adjusted, you see a message from Law hiding in your notification bar.

-“I need a favor from you.”

-“Sure, what ya need?”

-“(.....)-ya is supposed to be getting her things this morning. I want you to make sure she takes everything and leaves her key in the dish by the door.”

A frown skims across your face as the thought of seeing (.....)’s face makes your stomach churn. It’s only been a day, and you're already forced to see her face? At the same time, Law did allow you to stay the night last night. So, despite your distaste for seeing (.....), you agreed.

-“Will do. Can count on me :)”

-“Thanks.”

-“How’s working going so far?”

-“Fine.”

-“That's good”

The urge to ask him what his plans were with you after you did him this favor ate at your conscience as soon as you sent that last text. Law was really the only one whose place you felt safe enough to sleep at. And he’s the only person you have in the entire city. You didn’t have a license since a lot of things were always within walking distance, so you never had a reason to.

But now, you were on the complete other side of the city. What used to be a five-minute walk to your job now would take at least thirty minutes. You had no idea where anything was on this side of the city. Sure, you and Law would go grab an energy drink from the gas station when the two of you worked the night away on that old project, but that was two years ago. Who knows? Maybe that gas station doesn’t even exist anymore!

“Do you go here a lot?”

“To buy an energy drink and coffee every now and then.” The sound of small pebbles crunching under your and Law’s shoes goes unnoticed as you walk next to him.

“Okay, so every day then?” A laugh escapes your lips as Law rolls his eyes, yet a small smile plays against his lips.

“This gas station is the only place that sells my favorite one.”

“Which is?”

“Can’t tell you. What if you take it?” A smirk appears on his lips as he puts his hands in his pockets. Scoffing, you place your hand on your chest in fake offense.

“I can’t believe you’d think so lowly of me. Stealing your beloved drink? Only a monster could be so heartless!” Hearing Law let out a chuckle from your words made a heavy feeling of confidence run through your veins. He was always relatively quiet when in class, so it was nice to see him show emotion other than ‘bored.’

“How much farther? I’m dying to know the favorite drink of the future best doctor in the world.” A faint pink tints Law’s skin as he tries to look away from you, hoping you don’t see what your comment did to him.

“You really think so?” Despite trying to copy your playful tone, you can hear his self-doubt and hopefulness that your words were true.

“I know so! No one works harder than you! If anyone says otherwise, tell me and I’ll kick their ass.” Law could feel his palms grow sweaty, and his heart beat a little faster.

Sure, he’s gotten praise from his teacher, but hearing it come from someone he had just met and barely knew felt a little more sincere? Why, he didn’t know, but he won’t complain.

“Will do.”

KNOCK KNOCK

The sound of light knowing pulls you from your memories. Looking up at the clock, you see it’s nearly three pm. You sigh as you shed the multiple layers of blankets you were snuggled in. The rage and anger from yesterday are still strong in your system, making you clench your fists. You walk towards the door when you hear your fingers popping from the sheer force. Unlocking it, you take a deep breath before fully opening it.

In front of you stood a very unkempt (.....). Her hair was in a messy ponytail, accompanied by red eyes and a red face. Makeup from the night before was still applied to her skin as mascara streaked down her face. Your eyes even caught the barely covered hickeys and bite marks that shined through her concealer.

“(Y-Y/N)?...Why are you…Where’s Law?” Her pitiful voice made you squeeze the doorknob tighter to try and calm yourself.

“He’s at work. Not that it’s any of your business, but he was kind enough to let me spend the night.” Your eyes narrowed at her as you couldn’t help but glare daggers at the marks on her neck. Noticing your stare, (.....) moved her shoulder to cover her neck.

“I see…” You move to let her in and shut the door behind her. She lets out a shaky breath before beginning to take down the multiple pictures hanging along the wall. The sound of sniffles hits your ears as you watch her grab the frames with shaky hands. Listening to her hold back tears made you struggle to hold your own.

How could she have done this? Years of friendship only to throw it away for some dick? Did you mean so little to her? You’ve been with her for everything! Breakups, grandparents passing, getting in trouble together, anything and everything you’ve done for her! If she needed a kidney transplant, you would’ve volunteered right away!

Now, seeing how a friendship can easily be thrown away like trash after years made bitterness fill your heart. If your best friend and boyfriend could betray you without so much of a second thought, what does that say about the strangers all around you?

What does that say about you? Did you do something to deserve this? Was (.....) mad at you and thought fucking your lover would get back at you? There had to be a reason. To be an explanation for the horror you saw yesterday. Maybe after a drink or two after (.....) leaves will calm you down.

~~~

“You got everything?”

“Yeah.” Just as she was about to walk out the door, you remembered that she still hadn't given you the key.

“I need the apartment key.” Putting your hand out, you move your eyes to your hand and back at her.

“I-I don’t have it.” Furrowing your brows, you sigh.

“Don’t bullshit me. I’ve known you for years, and I know when you lie. Now give me the goddamn keys (.....).” You watch (.....) bite her lip before digging into her jacket pocket. The light shined off the key as she gently put it in your hands.

“Can you say goodbye to Bepo for me?” Confusion hit you like a train at her request.

“What the hell are-you know what? Fine. I’ll say bye.”

“Thanks.” Closing the door, you let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding. After locking the door behind her, you placed her old key in the dish Law has near the door for his keys. (.....) request puzzled you as you tried to think of what she was talking about.

“What the hell is a Bepo?”

Just then, a light pitter-patter echos in the apartment. Your heart stops as the sound gets closer. There shouldn’t be anyone else in the apartment but you. Swallowing the lump in your throat, you try to move quietly towards the kitchen to grab something to defend yourself.

“Meow!” You stop in your tracks upon hearing that noise. Embarrassment floods your body as you move even closer to the noise. Upon turning the corner, you see a white cat walking in your direction. A big white cat.

“Can’t believe I got spooked by a damn cat. Didn’t even know Law had a cat…a fatass one nonetheless.” Bending down, you move your hand to let the cat smell you. A smile appears on your face when it rubs against you.

“Hmm? What’s this?” Moving the fluff from his neck, you see a collar with a tag. Squinting your eyes, you finally see the name engraved on the tag.

“Ohhh…your Bepo! Well, aren’t you a cutie-pie?” With (.....) 's request finally making sense, you fight to actually fulfill it. With a sigh, you pick up Bepo and hold him gently.

“Let’s send your dad a selfie. I think he’ll appreciate it.” You go to the couch, pick up your phone, and find the right angle for the picture. When you find the right spot, you smile as Bepo rubs his head against your face.

“Say cheese!”

~~~

It’d been a long day at the hospital. It felt like nothing went right. Sure, he put in his all, but he had to tell people how they were diagnosed with a terminal illness or dealing with dumb co-workers. The only good thing today did for him was keep (.....) out of his head. But now that work was over, the nagging thoughts could finally bother him once more.

Sighing as he unlocked his apartment door, he was immediately hit with the smell of something cooking. Whatever it was, it smelled good, and he was happy that he didn’t have to make anything tonight. When he went to put his keys in the dish designated for them, he saw (.....)’s key lying in the middle. A wave of relief washed over him as he finished taking off his shoes and coat.

“Oh, Law, are you home?” Your voice rings in his ears as he walks further into his apartment. He spots you setting up the table while humming to yourself.

“Yeah, I’m back. Did you make something?”

“Well, you’ve been at work for sixteen hours, so obviously, you should be hungry! Not to mention that you deserved a home-cooked meal after working so hard.” Moving closer to the dinner table, he sees a plate of grilled fish along with a can of what looks to be sparkling water. The smell of his favorite food drew him closer, and he felt a sense of calm filled him. It’d be the second night in a row you made him dinner.

“Where did you get the fish? I don’t remember having any?”

“Oh, after (.....) took her stuff and left, I used GPS to find a store nearby, and there was an organic type of food store only two blocks away! So I went shopping and got things! Except for beverages, so I stopped by the gas station we used to go to and got sparkling water 'cause you don’t drink and no way you’d drink an energy boost at eight pm.” You continued talking, but it was lost on Law’s ears as he stared at the set-up table. The fact you put yourself to go grocery shopping and making him dinner made his sour mood from only moments ago lighten.

“Thank you.” As he moves to wash his hands in the sink, he sees his beloved cat following you and purring.

“I see you’ve met Bepo.” Upon speaking, the cat changed his attention to Law. Bepo begins to meow as he prances towards Law’s feet before rubbing against them. Leaning down, Law gives him a few pets before washing his hands.

“I didn’t even know you had a cat. Did you just get him?”

“No. I’ve had him for almost a year and a half. Why?” He watches you lift your eyebrows and look at Bepo before looking back at Law.

“What?”

“Law. Do you see how big that cat is?” Despite just washing his hands, Law picks up Bepo and holds him in his arms.

“What about it? He’s growing.”

“That cat is obese. He needs a diet.”

“Bepo is perfect the way he is.” You couldn’t help but giggle as you watched him hold Bepo protectively and away from you.

“You can be delusional all you want, but come eat before the food gets cold.” Turning your back, you begin to dish up after washing your hands. You can hear Law rewashing his own before sitting on the opposite side of the table.

As awkward as it may be, the presence of one another brings a slight calm to your new chaotic world.

~~~

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#one piece x reader #trafalgar law x reader #trafalgar d law x reader #law x reader

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drvscarlett · 1 month

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FRESH OUT THE SLAMMER

Esteban Ocon x childhood bestfriend!reader

Summary: Esteban has been pining over his bestfriend for the longest time. How long will it take her to see that what she's looking for is right in front of her?

The Tortured Drivers' Department series

A/N: And the first person that I'll be crossing off the list is Estie bestie. I think he is probably one of the drivers that gives me the wholesome aura. Let me know what you think or if you wanna be added to the taglist.

Taglist. @tea-bobba @boiohboii @c-losur3 @haikyuen @stelena-klayley @stinkyjax @0710khj @jinimon-tr

Now, pretty baby, I'm runnin' back home to you. Fresh out the slammer, I know who my first call will be to.

02-13-2002

Dear Diary,

Today I met my first ami (ami is friend in french) and he is Esteban something long name Okon. He is so nice to me. He said hi and helped me swing on the swing sets. I hope I meet more ami like Esteban but he is my favoriteeeee!!!

-y/n.

6 years old Esteban was actually running away from class when he stumbled upon a girl swinging alone at the park's swing set. He frowns because he noticed that every kid at the park have someone to play with but she has no one. Esteban was in an internal battle to just leave it alone but he can't help but feel bad for her.

He walked to the girl and he sat next to the empty swing next to her.

Y/N looked at the stranger that just joined her. Her interest was piqued because no one wants to be around her. She blamed it in her inability to speak French so she was hesitant to scare off the potential play mate.

"I'm Esteban, you are new?" Esteban started.

Esteban's english was not perfect especially with a strong French accent but he can hold a good conversation. He can see how the excited grin appeared in her face.

"Y/N! You speak good, can we be friends?" she asked.

She extends her hands to the boy and Esteban shakes it.

"Mon ami"Esteban agrees.

There was a visible confusion in her face. Esteban mentally slaps himself as he forgot that she cannot speak french.

"It mean friends"he added.

"Mon ami Esteban" it rolls right in her tongue.

And although there was a great language barrier, they managed to stay there at the swing sets till it was time to go home for dinner. Their antics and their grand hand gestures helped them communicate with each other.

11-28-2002

Dear Diary,

I told Estie that I will be missing thanksgiving a lot because I don't live in US. His mom and dad cooked, we had our own version of thanksgiving. I'm so grateful to my mon ami, Estie.

-y/n

Usually, Esteban's afterschool routine was drop his bags and leave the house to meet up with his bestfriend, Y/N. They would go sit at the swing set for hours or maybe watch the television at Y/N's house. It was a routine that Mrs. Ocon has been familiar with ever since Y/N came into the picture.

"Maman, can I talk to you about something"

Esteban made a beeline to his mother as soon as he gets home this afternoon.

"Did you have any troubles in school?" Mrs. Ocon wondered.

"Not at all Maman" Esteban answers "I just need help with something Maman about Y/N"

Mrs. Ocon tried to hide the smile in her face as he mutters a soft "oh". Meanwhile, Esteban reached out a piece of paper from his bag.

"Maman I drew this at school, this is a tradition that Y/N misses in America"Esteban explains.

The paper was filled with drawings of stick figures sitting in a table. The table was filled with dishes messily drawn in a muddle of green, brown, and orange.

Mrs. Ocon looks at her son with confusion, she still didn't know what he needs help in.

"What are you trying to say Esteban?"she asked

"This 28 is the thanksgiving dinner and Y/N says that her parents will be busy. She told me its just like a normal dinner but you say thank you for everything you are grateful about"Esteban elaborates "Can we do that Maman and can we invite Y/N to join us"

"That's a wonderful gesture to do for your friend Esteban" Mrs Ocon coos.

Esteban breaks out into a grin with the agreement of his mother.

"But you will be helping me prepare the dishes okay?" Mrs. Ocon added

"Of course Maman, I'll do anything"

Esteban gives his Mother a tight hug. He was extremely grateful because he knows how much Y/N has been missing so many american things lately. He was just scared that she'll leave France and then go back to America then he will never see her again.

On the other hand, Mrs. Ocon can call it mother instincts but she called it from this moment that her son is in love with his bestfriend.

05-17-2005

Dear Diary,

I like reading a lot while my bestfriend Estie loves riding the small karts. I like going to school, Estie doesn't like that. It seems like were different with each other. I'm scared of losing my bestfriend, what should i do?

But I'll support him. I want him to be happy. Thats what bestfriends do.

-y/n

"I wanna be a race car driver"Esteban blurts out one time that they were watching those Formula 1 races on the television.

Y/N started laughing because she thought it was a joke but when she looked at him, his eyes were looking at the race cars with so much determination.

"Wait, you are serious?"

"Can't you picture me driving those cars? It's like being wind woosh" Esteban mimicked the movement of the cars.

"But its like dangerous, you could crash" Y/N argues.

They have seen some serious crashes in the times that they watched F1. Y/N couldn't forget that dogpile crash in Monaco just a few weeks ago, her heart nearly stopped when the car hits a marshal cleaning up debris.

"Then I'm going to train to be a good driver so I don't crash" Esteban confidently states.

"But what about school?"Y/N asked "You're not seriously leaving me there"

"Woah, I said I wanna be a race car driver"Esteban clarifies "I didn't say anything about leaving you. You are mon ami"

"But school Estie?"Y/N repeats

Both of them knows that Esteban never found a knack for the academics, his favorite class was physical education. As much as Y/N tries to encourage him to study, he didn't like to do that a lot. Esteban always said that the braincells of Y/N will be enough for them to share and to get through life.

"I really wanna be a race car driver"Esteban insisted.

Y/N knew Esteban very well that if he sets his mind to it then he is bound to do it. There is nothing else she can do but support it.

"Esteban Ocon, a grand prix winner" Y/N shows her encouragement "I could picture it the crowd goes roar and you step onto those podiums holding those big trophies"

Esteban grins at her enthusiasm.

"And then I could take you with me to watch them when you finish school"Esteban added "We could travel the world together when I become a driver"

"Esteban wait so if you do become a race driver then maybe I can meet Kimi"Y/N wondered.

"Wow you only want me to go to F1 for Kimi huh"

"Well its a good opportunity to meet the man, the myth, the legend"

06-16-2006

Dear Diary,

I'm just really really sad today. Estie will be moving far away from here. Maybe I only get to see him on the weekends. I'll miss my bestfriend, mon ami

-y/n

They were at the swing sets when Esteban broke the news that he was accepted to compete for karting competitions. Y/N was immediately ecstatic to hear this but there was a frown gracing Esteban's face.

"You just told me that you are gonna compete for go karting but why do you look so sad" Y/N inquires "Isn't this like the first step in being an F1 driver?"

It is but Esteban hadn't predicted how costly this whole thing will be and how sacrifices have to be made in order to reach his dreams.

"We have to leave the house"Esteban breaks the news.

"Leave?"Y/N was confused "I mean don't you really have to leave the house to go to the go karting place..but you'll come back right?"

He shakes his head and Y/N could feel the reason for the sad looks on his face. Her heart feels like cracking especially when Esteban starts to speak again.

"They sold the house to get me a kart" Esteban's voice was filled with so much sadness "They knew it was my dream and the whole family sees a lot of potential that I can do it. I just feel terrible that they have to make sacrifices to make my dreams come true"

They were merely ten years old but it was a lot of burden to carry and to understand. Y/N is at loss for words but she just grabbed Esteban's hands.

"Then you have to give your all and be the best race driver ever okay?"Y/N reminded him

Esteban looked at Y/N and there were stray tears leaving her eyes but she has a brave face on and an encouraging smile. He was lucky to have a family that believes in him and he was even more luckier because he gets to have another supporter in the form of his bestfriend.

"You make a lot of money so you can buy your home again and you can treat your parents out"Y/N says "You have to do well okay, we all believe in you Estie"

And its these words that kept repeating on Esteban's mind whenever he is on track.

11-23-2012

Dear Diary,

It's my birthday today. Did you believe that Estie waited till it turned midnight here in France just to call me. My bestfriend be setting up the standards for everyone. I got a cake in the morning from my classmates and then we went to have dinner. Sixteen, im getting old now.

-y/n

Esteban and Y/N had a tradition since they were kids that they will wait for each other's birthday because they wanted to be the first person to greet each other.

The minute that the clock strikes 12, Y/N's phone starts vibrating. She had a grin on her face upon seeing the name on the caller ID.

"Well hello there Mr. Lightning McQueen"Y/N greeted.

"Happiest birthday to my sweetest mon ami"Esteban cheered on the other line "You know that I wish you all the best things in life and all of happiness that life has to offer"

"I'm surprised you had time to call, don't you have to wake up early later for your race?" Y/N questioned.

It was true, they don't get to talk as much whenever Esteban was in a competition season. Y/N doesn't mind it that much because Esteban will message whenever he can.

"I wouldn't miss my favorite person's day" Esteban answers.

His remarks made Y/N blush. It was a good thing that this is just a phone call conversation or she had some explaining to do.

"That makes me miss you way way more Estie"Y/N sighs "I hope I can see you again"

"Is that your birthday wish?" Esteban jokes

"My birthday wish is an F1 seat for you" Y/N declares.

"Hey, stop wishing about me. It's your day wish for YOUR day" Esteban argues.

"Then I wish for my bestfriend to get an F1 seat so I can meet Kimi"Y/N rephrases.

They spent a good time talking to each other. Y/N updates Esteban about those girls in her class that she wants to be friends with and how difficult physics assignments are. Esteban mentions about the trainings and the different race drivers that he met on track.

Esteban knows that he might probably regret staying up late but everything always seems worth it when it comes to Y/N.

"Well its really nice catching up to you but school starts at 7 tomorrow"Y/N yawns a bit "You must be pretty tired as well with all the training"

"Don't you worry about me here, I'm doing okay"

"You are the best Estie" Y/N said "Goodnight estie, love you"

Love. That's the word that Esteban has been pondering about a lot lately. It was that stage of life that people are getting girlfriends and boyfriends because they love that person. The only person that Esteban thinks he can love and be in a relationship with is Y/N.

First he thought, maybe its because Y/N's a close friends. Many people get the lines blurred between friendship and relationship. However, Esteban is beginning to realize that he likes Y/N more than a friend.

But, Esteban was scared of scaring her off or losing her so he settles with this.

"Good night Y/N, love you more"

01-01-2017

Dear Diary,

So Esteban and I went to our first party because Esteban finally had a permanent team for the upcoming 2017 season. We had a few drinks to celebrate and I met a boy. His name is Vincent. I think we hit it off pretty well.

-y/n

Esteban has this all night planned with him announcing that he is getting a permanent seat in Formula 1 to inviting her to the races to confessing his feelings and then hopefully get a New Year Eve's kiss.

However, here he is in the bathroom chickening out with his plans.

"C'mon Esteban, you can do this" he preps himself.

In his mind, he had everything written and prepared. He will start talking about the childhood how he was so glad to meet her and to her being the number 1 fan since day 1. Then he will move to his realizations and such when he was moving up to F1.

"Just say what you feel and be true. It's gonna work out"Esteban tells his reflection to the mirror.

With one spray of water to the face, Esteban exits the bathroom to find Y/N in the sea of crowd.

He searches for her and he was glad to see that she was still at the same place where he left her. However, his face scrunches up because there was another guy around her.

"Estieee!"Y/N calls out "I want you to meet Vincent, he is my new friend"

Esteban eyes the man because he didn't even look at him. Vincent's eyes were only looking at Y/N's and Esteban could feel his heart drop. He knows that look all too well because that is how he looks at her.

There goes his chance.

12-25-2017

Dear Diary,

This is my first christmas with Vincent as my boyfriend. Were still getting used with the presents thing and I think I overwhelmed him a bit. But I think that its going well, Mom loves Vincent. Dad and Esteban doesn't seem to think that Vincent is good for me.

-y/n

"Okay, time to open christmas presents!" Y/N excitedly announce.

Everyone gathers at the Christmas tree. It was a yearly tradition in the household that after lunch they go one-by-one in opening the gifts. Y/N always loved presents so she would always go first.

"Merry Christmas darling"Vincent says as he gives his present.

Esteban manages to keep his expression straight but he would have gagged if he could. He was filled with so much jealousy that he could have been in that position right now if he didn't chicken out.

Also, there was something so irritating and wrong about Vincent. He just don't have any proof about it. Mr. Y/L/N has a similar theory which he discussed with Esteban when they were in the garage earlier.

Y/N opens the box and she saw a gold chain with the letter V. It was a very beautiful necklace and it seems expensive as well. She musters up a smile as she thanks her boyfriend.

"This is beautiful Vincent" Y/N admires as she takes it off the box.

"I know."Vincent agrees "When I saw it in the store, I immediately thought of you"

The thoughts were sweet but Esteban couldn't help himself.

"Mate"Esteban calls "Y/N doesn't wear gold"

It was the truth that Y/N never wore any gold jewelry but since it was a gift, she was putting on a smile. Esteban knows that Y/N is just being appreciative to be respectful. Frankly, he was a bit pissed off that Vincent didn't even pay attention to that simple details of Y/N.

"Oh, I didn't know that"Vincent sheepishly grins "I didn't notice that, maybe I should take it b-"

"No, no. I'll wear it, its the thought that counts"Y/N settles.

"Next year, I'll get you a better gift" Vincent assures.

Mr. Y/L/N and Esteban could only share an eye roll, they really hope that they don't get to see Vincent next year around.

06-26-2018

Dear Diary,

Today is emotionally draining and I find it hard to sleep with a lots of thoughts in my head. It feels really different to see Estie in an F1 car. I simply can't believe it that he went to watching race cars to driving one. It sucks about whats about to happen but I am so proud of my bestfriend, mon ami Estie. I will always be proud of him no matter what.

-y/n

One of the worst things that could probably happen is to not finish a race but the feeling intensifies when it happened on your home race. Esteban wanted to kick himself for his misfortune. He didn't even get a lap in when Gasly collided him thus ending their races.

"Stupid" Esteban repeats the video all over again.

The door gently opens and Esteban would have shouted to leave him alone but Y/N peeked out of the door. It was like instant moment of peace for Esteban then its back to feeling like a failure because he suddenly remembered that everyone he loves have watched him DNF live.

"Estie, they told me you were here"Y/N greeted "You wanna talk?"

"I rather not" Esteban quickly answered.

"Hey, its just one bad weekend Estie"Y/N sits next to him.

"This is that one weekend that should have been a good weekend. Everyone is watching me and I didn't even start a lap before getting fucked"

The crack in Esteban's voice signifies that it was extremely heartbreaking for him to have this performance for his home race. Y/N could only tap his shoulder for comfort.

"Estie, you will have a lot of weekends ahead of you and you still have a lot more weekends that we will be watching. Don't be too hard on yourself" Y/N comforts "You can bounce back like you always do"

"You believe in me way too much"

"You already came a long way Estie. From sitting and watching them race every Sunday to actually driving a car. You should be proud of yourself" Y/N reminds.

There was something else painful in Esteban's heart. The recent issues regarding the team doesn't guarantee him for a seat in the coming year. It was another reason why he felt so down with what happened.

"Would you still be proud of me even if I don't have an F1 seat?" Esteban asked.

"What? What happened Estie?" Y/N was shocked.

"I might not have a team to drive for next year. I don't know if anyone is going to pick me with my DNFs and everything, I'm not a good candidate"

Esteban sheds the tears he has been trying to hide. He knew that this was a safe place to talk to Y/N. Everything just felt so heavy.

"Oh my god Estie, I'm sorry"Y/N consoles her bestfriend.

The two bestfriend knew how much this Formula 1 seat meant. It was a lot of struggles and sacrifice to reach this moment. One moment they were just kids going on karting season and now Esteban was getting his F1 seat. Now its being taken away, its like waking up from a good dream.

Y/N brushes away her tears and started to pace as if devising a plan.

"Don't you dare think that just because you are not getting a team next year is that you are a bad driver. You are a great driver okay,remember that." Y/N encourages "Take the year off. Improve your skills, get better then make a comeback"

If Y/N believes that he can make a comeback then Esteban believes that as well.

02-03-2019

Dear Diary,

I had a fight with Vincent. He told me that I am spending too much time with Esteban. He wanted me to stay away from Estie like who is he to tell me what to do.

I told him to be more patient with Estie because he really needs support right now. I hate how stupid and irrational Vincent is.

-y/n

Esteban was just picking up one of his cousin at the club when he saw a familiar figure at the alley. He just wanted to say hi to Vincent but when he noticed that he was holding hands with a girl, who is definitely not Y/N, Esteban started to follow.

He watched as how Vincent pulled the girl into a kiss and all Esteban could see was red.

"OHMYGOD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"The girl shouts.

Esteban lands a solid punch. He doesn't care if Vincent is drunk or whatever but he should never cheat especially on a woman as amazing as Y/N.

"I tried to give you a chance, you fucking ruined it"Esteban lands another punch at Vincent.

"What the fuck man, get off!"Vincent screams.

The fact that Esteban was willing to let go and watch Y/N be happy with Vincent. He was willing to do that because Vincent makes Y/N happy but seeing this. Its not gonna happen anymore.

Two bouncers of the club broke them off. The girl immediately tended to the beaten up Vincent, Esteban dust himself off as he sets out a threat.

"You better come clean and tell her the truth or else I fucking will" Esteban warns.

"FUCK YOU MAN" Vincent shouts back "I know you like her! I know you are just waiting for an opportunity to ruin us"

"I'm not the one who ruined the fucking relationship Vincent, it was you who fucking cheated on Y/N"

Esteban was seething as he returned to the car. His mind thumbs to call Y/N but he knows that it will break Y/N's heart terribly if he tells her the truth.

09-28-2019

Dear Diary,

I hate this feeling of being ina fight with Esteban. He said some things that aren't true and I said some things that must have hurt him a lot. I don't think we will be okay any time soon. I just wish I could have turned back time to talk about the whole thing more carefully.

-y/n

There are not many things that Esteban and Y/N disagrees with each other. It was quite rare to see them fight each other because they fit perfectly just like that. Usually, their fights are just simple misunderstandings and harmless that they will make up in a day or so.

This time its different.

Everything started when Y/N explained that she'll be moving to Vincent's apartment, something that triggered Esteban greatly. It was apparent that Y/N had no idea of what happened at the club so Esteban told the whole truth.

Y/N is in complete denial and called Esteban a liar. So here they are with their raised tones.

"If you are my fucking friend then you would have told me the minute you saw it" Y/N explained "Why didn't you fucking call"

"I was protecting you. I know it would hurt you to know the truth and I told Vincent that he has to be the one to come clean" Esteban fights back.

"Protecting me with a grand lie?"

"I thought you don't fucking believe me that Vincent is cheating" Esteban frustrated with the argument.

"I don't know who to fucking believe because you would have told me right away if its real" Y/N cried.

The emotions were all too high, they were a ticking time bomb ready to explode. Esteban could not hide the disappointment in his face that Y/N didn't believe him.

"You don't trust me" Esteban realized.

"No Esteban, its not like-"

"Then what is it like?" Esteban asked "It seems as if you totally forgot that it was me who you could always trust no matter what. You forgot that I was your bestfriend since the beginning that was always there."

Y/N didn't want to get all the blame so she strikes back again even though tears were threatening to fall.

"You know its very fucking ironic that you say that" Y/N's words were like bullets "You didn't fucking trust me to believe you either that's why you didn't call"

Esteban was speechless and then he shakes his head.

"Where are you going?"Y/N chases after.

"I'm going home, away from you"

"Fine. Don't fucking come back" Y/N slams the door.

There were a lot of things said and done. They both don't know how they regretted everything.

03-29-2020

Dear Diary,

This whole lockdown is a little bit fucked. I was cleaning up some files in my computer and I saw a photo of me and Estie. I wonder if he is still mad at me and I wonder how he is doing with lockdowns. I wanted to reach out to him but I can't help but think back how much I must have hurt him before.

Vincent is a bit stressed with the whole lockdown situation. He gets frustrated easily especially with the new work set-up. I'm sure he will get better at handling his emotions, I just have to understand this for the moment.

-y/n

Esteban was scrolling through his instagram feed. He had nothing much to do since the lockdown kept everyone inside their homes. There was this feeling of uncertainty when can they race again but Esteban could only hope that they can race again even by May or June.

His hands stopped when he saw the newest instagram post of Y/N. It was a photo of her cooking a dish and the next set of photos showcases more of her lockdown diaries.

There was a bitter smile gracing on Esteban's face when he saw the photo of Vincent. It seems as if Vincent hasn't told the truth yet or maybe he lied to Y/N that's why they are still together. Esteban feels like he could punch the guy if he ever sees him again.

Not a day goes by that he regrets that fight he had with Y/N. It was just utterly pointless that it happened and he misses her. He hopes that she is okay and maybe after this whole lockdown is over then he'll go and find her again.

With heavy sighs, he scrolls past the post without liking it.

08-01-2021

Dear Diary,

Esteban is a grand prix winner. I'm really so proud of him, I shed some tears when he reach the final lap. I don't know if its the emotions or the adrenaline but I also messaged him and I was surprised that he answered. It seems like this is a start of a good thing.

-y/n

There were no words to describe how amazing the feeling was to be on top of the podium. Esteban could only imagine that feeling before but now he is living it. Everything felt like a wild dream because when he started the race he didn't even know that he will end up being a race winner after.

Collapsing to his bed, he finally opens his phone and it was immediately buzzing with so many messages. There was one message conversation that catches his attention

Y/N: Hi Esteban! I hope this is still your number. I watched the race today and I'm really so proud of you. I want to waive a white flag because this is everything that you have dreamed of all these years. There are no words to describe how proud I am of you. You have come a long way from that kid by the swing set. You will always have my support (even if we have a cold war). Y/N: I'm also sorry. I said some things that was really not good for me to say. I'm sorry I'm doing this over a text and I'm sorry that it took me this long. Y/N: I hope you are okay. You better drink up some champagne, you deserve it Grand Prix Winner.

There was this warmth that seems to envelope him as he reads the messages. It feels nice to know that she stills supports him even though they are not talking.

Esteban catches himself smiling through his phone screen confirming that his feelings for her still exist.

"Oh fuck it, this feeling never goes away doesn't it"

01-02-2022

Dear Diary,

Vincent proposed to me today in front of a crowd today. Mentally I wanted to say no because I don't think that I am ready for it or maybe its just the fact that I'm not sure that Vincent is ready for it. I just said yes because there was a large group of people. I felt like I was put on the spot and I didn't like it.

Maybe, its just the nerves.

-y/n

Mrs. Ocon had been keeping tabs with Mrs. Y/L/N even when the two had stopped talking to each other. They often update with each others lives when they get their nails done. Today, Mrs. Ocon couldn't believe the news shared to her so she hurried downstairs to find Esteban.

"Is it true Esteban?" Mrs. Ocon asked

"What's true maman?"

Esteban has just finished doing simulations so he have not been with his phone for quite some time. His mother immediately shoved her phone to his hand. Esteban squints as she watched the video of someone getting proposed at the Eiffel Tower.

"Maman, I'm not getting married anytime soon"Esteban jokes.

He has been pestered multiple times about getting married or getting a girlfriend but Esteban didn't want any of those. Nothing could compare to Y/N so he would rather not date anyone else.

"Just look more closely"Mrs Ocon insisted.

Scrunching up his nose, Esteban finally noticed the familiar faces of the couple. And it feels like a deja vu from his experience so many years ago when he almost confessed for New Years Eve.

Only this time, the pain has been magnified.

"That's good for Y/N, I'm.."Esteban holds his breath "happy for her"

"Honey...It's okay to not feel happy.."

Mrs Ocon has been one of the witness of everything and she knows how much her son loves Y/N. She extended a hug and soon the tall French man just let all his tears fall.

01-09-2023

Dear Diary,

I called it off, Vincent cheated on me and there was another girl on the side. He got her pregnant. I felt so stupid because I have been ignoring so many red flags all these years, I should have known better. I don't know what to fucking do, I hate him so much.

"What the fuck is wrong with me"

Y/N was a mess and anyone else who have been confronted with the reality that they have been in a fucked up relationship for so long will be a complete mess.

"There is nothing wrong with you Y/N" Esteban repeated "It was not your fault that he cheated"

"I was so stupid Estie, I wasted so many years for him"

This has been an ongoing process for a while now. Its been a good two weeks since they broke up but Y/N was still stuck in a period of asking questions and crying.

"I want my fucking life back and I can't get it back"Y/N laments.

Esteban doesn't know what he could do to help but he just became the shoulder that she can lean on. It was a good thing that there weren't much to do yet, he can still be with Y/N for a while.

"You know on the brighter side of life, you are still lucky that you didn't marry him" Esteban suggested "Like imagine all the divorce and process you have to go through if you did marry him"

"I might have ugly children if I married Vincent" Y/N scoffs.

"He is not your problem anymore Y/N, just ignore him"Esteban encourages.

Y/N lets out a frustrated cry as she messes up her hair again.

"I can't just fucking ignore him. He have been with me for a good period of my life and people just expect me to move on and go on with my life. I lost so many things about myself that I don't even trust myself after him"

Tears started falling from her eyes. She wipes them up as Esteban guided her to a chair.

"I'm sorry Y/N, here lets take a seat and I'll get you water" Esteban said before leaving to go to the kitchen.

There was something so nice to have Esteban around. Even if she shouts or screams like that, Esteban is still patient and kind with her. He was not rushing her to move past what she feels, he allows her to speak.

"You know, I can survive on my own" Y/N mutters.

"I know"Esteban agrees as he handed her the water "But I wanted to be here for you. You have always been there for me when I'm at my lowest of lows, I wanna be there for you now"

It was rare to see Y/N's smiles nowadays but with Esteban saying stuffs like that, she can't help but smile. She was very grateful to have Esteban around. She didn't know how she could survive without Esteban's help.

"Thanks estie

02-18-2023

Dear Diary,

Is it too soon to open up my heart again? I really want to try but I am scared. Maybe this is what happens when you've been in a shitty relationship for so long.

I also know that I dont wanna mess up things. If I do mess up things, I'm not going to just miss someone but I'll miss that boy I met at the swingset.

Maybe this year can do me good.

-y/n

"Esteban for a driver, you are pretty slow driving normal cars"Y/N teased.

"I have to be careful, accidents always happen and I don't wanna injure you before a flight" Esteban argues.

Esteban unloads all their bags. The two of them are going abroad however they are going to different countries. Y/N is going back to her old American home and she might be there for a while. On the other hand, Esteban is going to Bahrain for the pre-testing.

"You sure you have everything?" Esteban asked "Passports? Tickets? chargers?"

"Hey Mr. I forgot my passport, dont lecture me about forgetting things"Y/N smirked.

"Just double check and don't be like me then"

For onlookers they look like a couple about to travel together. How Esteban wishes that was the case but they are just a couple of bestfriends.

"Gonna miss you mon ami"Y/N hugs Esteban "I think I see my gate over there, call me okay"

"Of course I will"Esteban assures.

Y/N was already walking a decent few meters away when Esteban started to debate if he should tell her now. It seems spontaneous but this is a now or never situation.

"Wait up Y/N!"

"Did you forget something?"she teased

She turned her head and found Esteban catching up to her. There were beads of sweat on his forehead and Y/N could tell that Esteban was a bit nervous about something.

"Actually there is something I wanna tell you" Esteban starts.

"Oh what about it?"

She tilts her head in curiosity as Esteban takes in a large deep breath.

"I never forgot my passport. I was just using it as an excuse so I can spend more time with you. I didn't wanna go away from you because I miss you and I love you"Esteban declares.

"Aww Estie, you know I love you too-"

"No, Y/N its not that kind of love"Esteban clarifies "I love you as in I love you in a non-platonic way. I love you in a way that I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I love you in a way that I'll do everything so that I'm always coming home to you"

There was silence between the two of them. Esteban was looking for any signs of disgust or rejection in Y/N's eyes but so far those emotions doesn't seem to appear. He feels brave enough to continue further.

"Look, I'm not asking you to be my girlfriend. I know you need time to heal from whatever happened to you. I won't rush you. I have waited since were little kids, this is nothing compared to that. Allow yourself to heal and be yourself. Explore the world. Then if you want me, I'm just here waiting for you"

Esteban's word was filled with so much love and adoration. It was the respect that Y/N needed for having suffer a bad relationship. How could she be so blind not to see what's in front of her all along.

Y/N leans to hug him.

"I won't answer this for now, wait for me to be healed okay?"she whispers.

"Of course Y/N, always waiting for you."

05-01-2024

Dear Diary,

Almost a year and so since my last entry.

I have visited a lot of places to find myself and to heal myself. It was a beautiful journey going to foreign places and trying new things. Actually gave me a new perspective in life that makes me confidently say that I am healed. Some things take a lot of time before we tend to appreciate it.

I have someone waiting for me for almost 22 years already. I'm finally going home to him.

-y/n

#f1 x reader #the tortured drivers department #esteban ocon x reader #esteban ocon x you #esteban ocon x y/n #f1 imagines #f1 fanfic

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oleander-nin · 5 months

Text

Vampire ROTTMNT Headcanons

A/N, not important: You're probably thinking "Ollie, this is so short and wonky? What gives?" And to that, I say: I didn't know whether to make it old timey, how they became vamps, etc, so I'm going with this version for the normal rise, and a Victorian version for the Yan and I'll just bounce them around sometimes whenever I revisit this trope. I have how I want vampires to act, just not sure how/when I want the rise boys to be vamps. Feel free to ask questions if you need clarification or want a certain thing answered. Any criticism is welcome, constructive or not. This is supposed to be a gender neutral reader, so if I screwed up somewhere, please tell me.

-Ollie

CW: Blood drives, mention of needles, blood, being bitten, animal deaths mentioned, vampires

Words: 2127

Summary: My Basic Vampire ROTTMNT Headcanons

Tag list: @f1oricide

They all got infected/turned after being bit by a vampire bat mutant.

Mikey:

Mikey has the longest canines of his brothers, something that causes him to avoid feeding on living things as much as he can. He tried once and felt awful for the cries it made, so he usually goes out and tries to find newly deceased animals, or steals from a butcher. Will also kill animals if he has to. His longer canines also make it harder for him to hide his ‘condition’, but he’ll usually brush accusations off with comments of genetics or his mutation.

Constantly bites his lips while talking, the long fangs getting in his way. He basically has to relearn how to enunciate his words due to them. He gets easily frustrated by his inability to speak well, and gets irritated easier because he can’t explain why he’s feeling upset.

He’s able to adjust to most of the new abilities fairly easily, as all of them are already incredibly strong and fast due to their mutation. The night vision and sensitivity to light, however, excites him. He’s content to wear sunglasses during the day if they need to go out, and the ability to see better in the dark makes their night missions a lot easier. Plus, he’s now able to stay up all night painting without alerting his brothers to him being up so late.

Absolutely despises that he basically can’t cook anymore. He still makes food for his father, but he can’t even touch half the best ingredients without gagging anymore. Food smells rancid at best, and tastes thick and unsavory no matter how much he tries to fix it.

He’s always trying to snuggle up with you now, his skin constantly cold from the lack of circulation. He likes to latch onto you and bury his face into your stomach, trying to pretend he’s still alive and well.

He likes to bite the deltoid of your shoulder the most because he can hug you close while he does it, but still drape himself over you. You’re the only human blood he usually gets, but he only does it when you offer it first. He doesn’t want to accidentally pressure you into letting him feed off you if you’re not comfortable with it.

Hates to think that he won’t age with you. As he starts to grow faster than normal via the virus, he’s constantly having growing pains and this causes him to come to you for comfort more. He doesn’t like that he’s basically shooting into adulthood, and since none of them have experienced it before, they aren’t sure when it will stop. When it peaks when they seem to be in their mid twenties, Mikey just feels sad. You may not have aged a decade in a year, but your aging never stops. He’s terrified to watch your years pass by without him.

Donnie:

Donnie has the shortest canines, which causes him to look the most ‘normal’ to his original self. He prefers to have human blood, solely taste wise, but usually has SHELLDON get it for him rather than hunting himself because he hates drinking straight from the source. He transfers it into bottles or bags so he can save it and stock up. He avoids drinking from animals mainly because he doesn’t trust them to have parasites or rabies, and while he isn’t happy about drinking from random humans, he can at least hack into their medical records first. Donnie chooses his blood incredibly carefully.

You and April(if she lets him) are the only people he’ll feed on directly. If April lets him, he’ll usually do it like a blood drive and just take a small bit of her blood into a blood bag. For you, it depends. If you’re scared of needles, he’ll just do it the ‘normal’ way, but if not, he’ll let you choose to get it done via blood collection. Where he likes to bite depends on his mood. Sometimes the neck is easiest because you’re just right there and he hasn’t eaten in hours. Sometimes the lower shoulder or the wrist is better because you’re both just trying to get it over with.

He keeps a journal of all the changes that happen to him and his brothers, wanting to keep a list in case they come across someone else it happens to. Their entire mutation/transition is well documented so he doesn’t forget what it was like when it first happened.

It takes him a hot minute to get used to his new heightened senses. His least favorite is his sensitive smell, as anytime he goes near something pungent, he feels physically ill. It takes him a while to go back to the junkyard, the rust and oil making his head spin until he adjusts. He adds stronger noise dampeners to his goggle headset to block out unwanted noise when he needs silence.

He’s constantly complaining of his growing cramps, using you as a pillow more and more now that his hands are stiff from both working and from growing. His mood sours for a long time due to the countless changes he doesn’t want. The only good thing he seems to find from it is that being a vampire will improve his ‘bad boy image’. He completely negates this by curling into you after his legs cramp up and ends up cuddling you for hours.

As soon as he realizes that he will outlive you by a longshot, he tries to find a way to either elongate your life, or shorten his. He refuses to let you leave him. While he’s excited for many years to practice science, the thought of losing you terrifies him, especially since he thought he’d die with you, rather than live on for a millennia afterwards.

Raph:

Is already used to the fangs due to his snaggle tooth. While everyone else is accidentally biting their own lips and tripping over their tongue, he’s able to navigate the new longer teeth fairly easily. He still accidentally bites his tongue a couple of times, but less so than his brothers.

Hates to bite others, and usually feeds on animals. He doesn’t want to be seen as a monster any more than he knows he would already be considered. He avoids feeding for as long as he can, and even tried to continue eating ‘normal’ food for a while, until they all realized it gave them net zero nutrition so they couldn’t survive off it. He eventually gets more used to it and starts eating what he should, but for the first few months he feels incredibly guilty and tries to only eat enough to last a couple hours.

Raph tells you of his new ‘infection’ immediately. He doesn’t want you to figure out accidentally by catching him drinking blood or something.

While he hates biting you, his favorite place to is your shoulder. He likes to have you cuddle into him with your back against his chest so he can just bury his snout into the crook of your neck. The first time he bit you was an accident while he was asleep, and since he wasn’t eating as much as he was supposed to, he bit you while you both were cuddling. He woke up pretty quickly and pulled back, feeling awful about it. His kisses were solely light and soft weeks after that because he was worried he’d accidentally cut you again.

Raph’s more careful around you now, trying to adjust to the nearly doubled strength he now has. He’s clumsy and big, so even when he didn’t have vampire strength, he had to learn to watch out and not play rough with you like he would his brothers. It’s like he has his ninpo powered on all the time now, so it takes him a while to make the adjustment. You gain a few new bruises and countless apologies before he finally gets the hang of it.

His new growth doesn’t help with his clumsiness, especially since he’s shooting up nearly two feet in a year. He’s always sore, so he carries you around like a teddy bear to keep him company. He refuses to think of you growing old without him, refuses to remind himself that as your body starts to wear down, he stays frozen in time.

The one thing he likes about being a vampire is his heightened senses. He always knows where you are, and he doesn’t even have to turn on the light at night to make sure you’re safe. He can see you curled up on the couch or on his bed without disturbing you, and it shortly makes up for the other horrors he goes through in his transformation.

Leo:

Least caring about his new fangs. He thinks they’re cool, constantly teasing others and you by baring his fangs and bringing his hands up in mock claws while hissing. For a while, he goes full into the vampire getup, trying to talk in an accent, saying “bleh bleh bleh” after every sentence, just as much as he can to try and make his new condition unserious. He wants to pretend it’s something fun and not that he’s basically no longer alive

His favorite place to bite is your wrist. He thinks it’s hilarious to bow and grasp your hand as if he’s going to kiss your knuckles, only to flip your arm and sink his teeth into your upper forearm or wrist. Even when he’s not being goofy with it, he still chooses your wrist because he feels he can control it better. If something happens, it’s much easier for you to push him off when he’s holding onto your wrist then biting into your neck. He knows he won’t hurt you, but he’s afraid he might start to drain you, and doesn’t want that to happen.

Leo uses his new powers to show off, creeping up on you in the dark and making jumps he couldn’t make before. He knows he’s stuck like this now and just wants to make the best of it. Sure, he knows it sucks, but goofing around to make his brothers feel better too always makes it a little bit easier.

He tries to ignore the fact he’ll outlive you, passing it off with jokes about him being a trophy husband because he’ll always look young. He’ll hold you close if you ever start to get sad about it, quietly reminding you that you’re not going to die anytime soon, and he’ll be with you for your entire life.

Constantly whines about the growing pains and cramps, using it to bribe you into longer cuddles. He’ll teleport to your side so he doesn’t have to move and just collapse into you. He just wants you near while the aches settle into his bones.

Basic Vampire functions via Draxum mutation:

(sorry it's so jumbled. I hope it all makes sense, ask me if you have questions)

Heightened senses, including eyesight, strength, speed, hearing, and smell. The strengthened eyesight is more sensitive to light, which makes bright lights uncomfortable. They can still be in the sun, just can’t see well due to it which makes being out during the day unappealing to them. Can’t spread being a vampire via a bite(has to be from the original mutant or the string of mutagen). Can only consume blood, although it can be the blood of any organism. Their bite produces a numbing agent(much like a mosquito) so you can’t feel the initial prick or suck. Once the agent wears off, it’s much like the ache of a shot. They must be decapitated to be stopped. Cannot shapeshift nor fly. Common myths(ie: can’t enter a house w/out permission, garlic repulsed, no reflection, etc) don’t apply. They are put off by garlic, but mostly because of its strong, pungent smell, but can’t be stopped by it. They get the same reaction from onions and strong scented flowers. For them, eating normal food is the equivalent of us eating grass. It’ll fill you up, but you can’t digest it or take any nutritional value from it and you’ll probably get sick. The only problem is it both tastes and smells awful. Vampires are immune to any bloodborne diseases. Becoming a vampire starts to change your body into what would pretty much be your best years. Within a year, you would either advance or regress into the physical stature of a fit 25 year old on steroids. If you’re older and your back has started to give out and hunch, you’d regain your height and your muscle mass would be fixed. You’d be stuck as a young adult. Vampires have fast regeneration, and while they can’t regrow lost limbs, a major stab wound can heal in just hours.

Sources:

Used for biological explanations and for reminders of the different bodily changes in vampires

Used for basic history, descriptions, and a characteristics

Blood consumption after death

More history/characteristics

Vampire lore by region

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prythiansfavoritefox · 1 month

Text

I was still mulling over all he said when I slipped into my tent to finally change out of my leathers, leaving him and Elain to go find a place to wash up. And talk—perhaps.

Did you ever wonder what was said between the two of them? Well I wrote what I imagined transpired between them!

Lucien and Elain went to another tent, carrying buckets of water with them to wash themselves. Lucien had noticed for a relatively small woman, she packed a surprising amount of strength in her body. All that gardening must have paid off.

He hardly had any idea what to say to her. That had never been a problem for him in the past. He always knew the right thing to say in every situation, even if he didn't always say it (like with Amarantha). But with Elain...words simply left his brain. It was maddening. Cauldron knew he wanted to talk to her, but he didn't know how.

He hadn't failed to notice how Elain had deflected the kill of the King of Hybern to Nesta, even though it was her shot that had ultimately led to his demise. She might not have beheaded him, but she ultimately was the cause of his death. She must know that. But Elain, Lucien observed, was far more peaceful than her sisters. Perhaps the idea of taking another's life was abhorrent to her. That, at least, he could understand. Perhaps there was some sense in their mating bond, after all.

"You're staring," Elain pointed out. Lucien snapped out of his thoughts. "I-er-sorry." Lucien pinched his nose. This was going disastrously. "I was just thinking."

She tilted her head like a curious doe. "Of what?" She placed the large bucket in her arms down, picking up a small bucket to scoop water with to wash her hands.

Shutting up was not Lucien's strong suit, so naturally, the only option was to nervously ramble. "That I am guessing the King of Hybern was your first kill, and I know you despise violence, and so do I, but it's something that unfortunately we have to do under extreme circumstances, and I just wanted to say, that I understand your reluctance to accept that kill. I cried a lot the first time I took a life, and especially after Jesminda, violence disturbs me."

Elain peered at him with those curious eyes again. "Who is Jesminda?"

Lucien internally cursed himself for his inability to shut the fuck up. Not that he wished to hide Jesminda from her, but...he did not wish to speak of her at this time.

"My...well, she was to be my wife. Long ago. Unfortunately, that did not turn out well for either of us."

"Your father killed her?"

Lucien blinked. "How did you know?"

Elain shrugged. "Lucky guess." How the hell was that a lucky guess? He wondered what stories Feyre had told Elain about him. Had she spoken all about his father? Not like Feyre knew all that much about Beron herself.

Just then, Elain began to unbutton her shift. Lucien couldn't control his blush. "Yeah, well, I'll just..." then Lucien pointed in the opposite direction. Elain ignored him. Lucien cursed himself. There was no need to say anything in that situation. Motherfucking idiot. He quickly stripped and began to bathe in the water he had. He tried to ignore the sounds Elain made behind him, focusing on his own shower, but silence bothered him, and his stupid tongue desired to speak again.

"I understand if you're hesitant about the mating bond," he began. Still nothing.

"I just wanted to say...well you're immortal now. And I'm also immortal. You have all the time to decide what you want to do."

He finished off and began to reach for his towel, determinedly avoiding looking at Elain. As he dried himself off, she softly said, "You can look now."

Cautiously, Lucien turned towards her. "Thank you," she said. "For giving me space." She took a deep breath. "I-well, you know I was to be married. I still love him, but I know now that he never loved me." A little steel entered her eyes and her next words were colder. "Otherwise, he would've never rejected me so heartlessly simply because my body changed."

Rage took hold of Lucien's body, a desire to rip Graysen to shreds for having ever claimed Elain, for daring to hurt her feelings in such a heartless way. An uncontrollable mating instinct. He grit his teeth and clenched his fists, weathering the instinct. Deep breaths. One. Two. Finally, he managed to gain a hold of himself enough to speak. "If it makes you feel better, he's ugly and stupid with an eternal stick up his ass," Lucien suggested.

To his relief, Elain burst out laughing. "That does make me feel quite a bit better." Lucien felt a surge of confidence, the last of his anger dissipating, and he gave a bow. "I am at your service m'lady." Elain smiled. "Duly noted, m'lord." Something in his chest sparked at that.

My lord, she had called him.

Her lord.

Her mate.

Her Lucien.

#lucien vanserra #elain archeron #elucien #fanfic

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thefangirlfever · 1 month

Text

DBF! Miguel O'hara x reader (part 6)

Tags: F/M, age gap (reader is 28 and Miguel is 48), taboo relationship, mention of medication, depression and racial prejudice, reader is a woman of color, angst, mention of death and grief, slow burn

Disclaimer: English is not my first language.

See the end for notes.

Words count: 6503

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Miguel and you had come to an agreement. You were in charge of the dinner from Monday to Thursday and he took care of it the rest of the week. But even like that, he couldn’t help but intervene into your cooking; no matter how many times you’ve told him to “trust the process”.

“But how can you be sure that it’s gonna taste good if you don’t even follow the recipe?”

You rolled your eyes, amused by his comment while adding a last spoon of spice to the boiling soup on the stove.

“Who needs the recipe when you got vibes and confidence?”

He was now the one rolling his eyes. He hated to admit it but your recipes always managed to taste edible, good even, despite your inability to follow a recupe. You should have already been responsible of a food intoxication but you didn’t. Cooking by your side was always an experience, truly. But it also managed to help him relax after a long day at work. You even looked more relaxed while doing so.

You turned toward him, holding a spoon of soup and asked him to try the soup with a small grin. Miguel could only oblige when you looked at him this way and so he leaned forward to sip a bit of the soup. And just like he had guessed it, it was delicious. He may not be the most objective taster out there but it was still good. The creamy and rich texture made him think that you must have some hidden talent because he has seen you cooking without a recipe and there was no other logical explanation for it to taste that way.

“So? Not that bad, huh?"

It was nice to see you were feeling better now. After only a few days of his attention, you were already back on your feet. His gaze traveled down your figure, noticing your now rosy cheeks and the way you looked generally better. Maybe the countryside had a better effect on you than what you could have expected? But he couldn’t ignore the tired lines on your face, meaning that you were still sleeping poorly.

“Miguel…” Your soft, questioning voice took him out of his thoughts and he blinked twice, collecting his thoughts.

“Yeah, sorry. I was just thinking…”

“About what?”

“Do you...still have trouble sleeping?” The sudden change in the conversation surprised you but you didn’t immediately deflate the conversation or tried to run away, which was a progress in Miguel’s eyes.

“Yes, I do.”

“Have you considered taking something to help you fall asleep?” Miguel wasn’t surprised when you shook your head no. He still asked: “Not even melatonin?”

“I used to take some when I was in high school but...it wasn’t strong enough.”

His eyes opened wider and he stuttered: “In high school?”

“I was an anxious kid.”, you simply replied. He didn’t have any trouble believing that.

“I could get you something more efficient if you want…” You turned off the stove and shook your head.

“I...I don’t have a good history with strong medications.”, you simply replie. Most doctors you’ve met so far were quite insistent, always trying to convince you to take those type of things. But speaking from your personal experience, you didn’t like how they made you feel. And in general you’d rather avoid any type of medication.

Miguel didn’t insist, thankfully, and he simply nodded.

“Well...if you need anything, you can always ask me.”

“I think I’ll stick with herbal tea for now but thanks.”, you replied while smiling. And he gave you back your soft smile. You seemed in a great mood and he thought it was not the right time to ask anything about your history with medication. Plus, he was not on duty anymore. He could simply enjoy this moment with you, without thinking about anything related to his job.

The two of you were setting up the table and he had to remind himself to leave a good distance between you. Nevertheless he still looked at you from the corner of his eyes, watching every movement you made, from the very tip of your fingers to the way you balanced your weight on your feet. It’s been a month since your arrival and Miguel has felt something changing inside him ever since. He couldn’t quite put his finger on it but he has been waiting with so much enthusiasm for every chance to see you. Every moment you shared had become the highlights of his week. And you were more present in his thoughts than he wants to admit it. Your father had told him how much of a nice girl you were; saying things about how the two of you would get along so well. But Miguel had this feeling that your father may have underestimated just how good the two of you got along… Because he had the feeling that was he was feeling when you were together had nothing to do with friendship or what he was supposed to feel.

You have also noticed how closer the two of you seemed to be. It’s not a bad feeling but you would have never guessed the two of you would feel this comfortable in the presence of each other. Maybe Sarah was right. There was nothing wrong in asking for help… And Miguel has been a great help so far on so many levels. He didn’t just help with the house; you have the feeling that he helped you personally.

You’re taken out of your thoughts when you hear Miguel saying: “That color looks good on you.”

You looked down to where his eyes were. He was looking right at your sweater, an old one that you have found this morning in the back of your closet. You couldn’t remember exactly when was the last time you wore it or even when you bought it, probably during one of your phases in high school. It was bit loose on your shoulders and it hung loosely over your clavicles but the soft fabric felt like a blanket and the color really appealed to you when dressing up this morning. It was a soft lilac, almost the same shade as an aster.

“Oh thanks. It’s just an old thing, I guess…”

Miguel’s eyes have been nothing but locked on the way the fabric exposed your clavicles or the slope of your neck; especially with your hair tied up tonight. That color reminded him of a flower but he was not sure which one exactly. You reminded him of some flower. As embarrassing and corny as it may sound. He thought he was way past this at his age but it seemed like he was wrong. The mohair wool had caught his eyes ever since he came in the kitchen and he couldn’t stop wondering just how soft it acutally felt, how easily his fingers would slide through it…

He promised himself he would not look at you like that. He can’t do this. You trust him. Your father trusts him. He knew better than this and he didn't want to be that type of man who pried on younger, inexperienced and fragile women. He swallowed back the rest of his compliment, which turned into a lump in his throat and he looked away; just when your father called for you.

The three of you were sitting around the diner table, chatting lightly, joking from time to time. It’s been quite a long time since you shared a real meal with anyone. Since you began living alone, you were usually relying on take-outs and would eat in your bed in front of a show, enjoying the calm of your apartment after a long day at work. Your apartment… You had left a double of the keys to Sarah like most people would do so their plants would be watered and all these kinds of things. But there were no plants to water at your place, no animal to take care of… Sometimes this place didn’t feel like yours. But you had to move quickly after and that was the fest thing you had found. It was not objectively bad but...it was not your home.

The conversation had slowly shifted toward the topic of your school years when Miguel told your father about the restoration work that would begin soon. You still remembered vividly the walls of red bricks with the wine climbing on them, the windows decorated with the drawings of the students, the ugly yellows wallpaper… Maybe it was not a bad thing that this place was going to be renovated. It will be safer at least.

“It will be for the best.”, your father declared before taking a sip of his coffee. “Those buildings were already there when I was a student after all.”

“So they must be really old.”, Miguel joked and your father laughed heartily.

“Are you implying that I’m some type of dinosaurs or something?”, he asked with a grin and you couldn’t stop yourself from smiling too. It was nice to see him laughing around. Miguel’s presence only did good things to him.

“I would never.” You looked at Miguel’s expression and he had the exact same grin on his face. But when he was the one smiling, your eyes would linger a bit longer on his face, on the curve of his smile… He caught you looking at him and you were suddenly very invested in the appearance of your cup of tea. Your father didn’t notice anything and kept joking:

“Well, you’re not getting younger either, my friend.” He added with a knowing smile in your direction. “Poor Y/N, you’re stuck here with those two old men…”

“You’re not that old.” You protested weakly and you were not sure who you were trying to convince of that and if you were only speaking about your father. Your father sighed and his smile looked a bit more contrite.

“Well, I’m not getting younger for sure…” He looked at the cast on his leg with a look you've been catching more frequently on his face recently. He was in pain. Not physical pain. But he had to come in terms with his mortality, with the fact that he was growing older...exactly the same way than when your mother died. “I just think you would maybe enjoy more the company of people of your age.”

You were not sure of where this is coming, so you slowly took a sip from your cup, waiting for him to finish talking. Miguel was also waiting.

“Why wouldn’t you try to link up with some of your old friends? You know, most of them didn’t move away.”

Miguel suddenly looked more intrigued and interested by the conversation. It was true that so far, you haven’t mentioned any of your past acquaintances. You couldn’t be this antisocial truly. With a shrug of your shoulders, you replied as casually as you could:

“Well, they must all be busy.”

“I’m sure they would be glad to see you too.” His soft tone didn’t fool you. You know how stubborn he could be when he had an idea in mind. So you asked: “What did you do?” His satisfied smile proved you that your assumptions were right.

“I called one of your best friends and asked her to come visit over. And she gladly accepted.”

“Who did you call?” Miguel watched your exchange like one would watch a tennis game, his head swinging from left to right.

“Actually I called a few people.” Your father said with a bright smile and that was when it hits you. He genuinely thought he did something good. As much as you appreciated his effort, you couldn’t help but groan, slightly annoyed. What were you supposed to say to your old friends? Would you even be able to talk with them or link up the way you used to? Would they even recognize you?

***

The next day the living room was filled with laughter and the faint sound of chit-chat. Sitting on the edge of the couch, you quietly observed your friends from high school. The atmosphere in the room reminded you of the time you would all have slumber parties in high school. Except that it was only 4 in the afternoon and that you had traded your snacks and corny movies for homemade cookies and old album photos.

The three women facing you looked nothing like the pictures you were watching and at the same time they couldn’t be more themselves than they were now. On your right Jane was no longer wearing the thick glasses she used to have when she was younger, having them replaced by lenses but the movements of her fingers reminded you of how she would always adjust the frame of her spectacles back then. She had already apologized three times for being late but who would blame a business woman like her to have more important meeting in her day? Assya’s cooking skills were still unmatched and you thanked the Lord for her cookies, delicately wrapped into a pink paper. Her calloused hands from all her work were still looking rough but your eyes could’t miss the wedding band on her finger. A bright diamond on top of a silver ring. And there was Margareth, Mag as she’d rather have you calling her, whose athletic silhouette was now draped under a delicate green tailor suit. Even under the large jacket, she couldn’t hide the impressive bump of her stomach.

And there was you who was giving “I peaked in high school” energy compared to them. But none of them seemed to address this or even wanted to make you feel uncomfortable. They seemed to respect your silence and they ware graceful enough to not comment on your tired face or rub too hard their happiness on the said tired face. None of them mentioned your mother as they keep flipping the pages of the album. Assya even slided a new box of cookies toward you when you were finished with the first one. So...it was a bit better than what you were expected.

Jane pointed at one of the pictures and started telling a story about this day. Her memory was quite impressive to you. You barely remembered that day. The four of you were looking at the camera with a bright smile. You were all sitting in your bedroom, during one of these infamous slumber parties. The more you looked at the picture, the more you realized that your friends were not the one who changed. You did.

The four of you were still down the memory train when the front door opened. It can’t be your father. As soon as your friends came in, he disappeared into the patio, saying that he wanted to give you as much space as possible. It could only be Miguel. It was a nice surprise for him to be here this early. There was something comforting into knowing that he’ll be back after almost every day...

You turned toward the door, a bit too enthusiastically, and watched him making his way toward the living room. He was the one in charge of the dinner tonight and he was carrying a crate full of fresh vegetables. His forearms flexed slightly when he lifted the box and for some reason, you couldn’t take your eyes away from this sight.

“Doctor O’hara, I wasn’t expecting to see you there. Is this where you’ve been hiding all these weeks?” Assya asked with an amused smile while crossing her arms over her chest. She had told you she’s been working as a nurse at the clinic but it was only now that you realized what it meant. She knew Miguel. For some reason the small grin she gave him annoed you, wedding ring or not.

“I wasn’t expecting to see you there either. Do you guy know each other?” Miguel asked with a polite smile and all the women nodded in unison. His eyes stopped on the silhouette of Mag and he asked in a caring voice:

“How are you feeling today?”

She slowly patted her stomach and replied: “He’s been really quiet today. No nausea whatsoever.”

“Good. If you need anything, my office is always open.”

It was your first time seeing him interacting with his patients and colleagues, and again, you could’t believe that people like him actually existed. People who were so selfless, people who cared and who could genuinely talk to other beings. And for a second, you could picture him at the clinic, working, giving orders, taking care of his patients… Just how many parts of his life did you actually ignore?

Miguel was slightly amused by the sight of all four of you reuniting in the living room. Once again, it seemed that you have underestimated yourself and your social skills. Everything seemed fine. His eyes trailed over you, taking in your polished appearance. You tried to make yourself look a bit better for today and he actually realized that it was the first time he saw you wearing some make-up. It was just a bit of blush and lipstick but his eyes are drawn to the shape of your lips tinted in a deep carmine. The same color rushed to his cheeks and he looked away before saying in a firm voice:

“I’ll let you to your memories now, ladies.”

You watched him going to the kitchen, a bit disappointed. You were not sure of what just happened because it lasted only a millisecond but if you had listened to your body, you would have followed him into the next room. Instead you just sat there, quietly, while your friends started giggling. Assya was the first one to break the silence:

“I know I’m married but…”

“Please, don’t finish this sentence. I already know what you’re going to say.”, replied Jane with a growing smirk.

“Come on, you can’t blame me. He is fine.”

The two of them whispered in order to not be heard from him and you felt like you were back to your high school years when you would all tease each other about your crush. So, it looked like you haven’t been the only one noticing that he was attractive…

Mag gave you a knowing look from the other side of the couch and your eyes were drawn to the shape of her stomach. While Jane and Assya kept bickering around, you decided to shift the conversation away:

“So...when is it due?”

She must have sensed your uneasiness because she chuckled softly. You have always been awkward around children and maternity, so it was not a surprise. Again, her hand gently patted her stomach.

“In two months I think.”

“It’s a boy?”

She quietly nodded and as soon as this conversation begins, you found yourself unable to ask anymore questions. It’s not that you didn’t care but the topic of motherhood made you feel uncomfortable, even more so these last years… Hopefully she changed the conversation when sensing your discomfort.

“So...it seems that he comes here often?”

“Who?”

“Doctor O’hara.”

“Ah...yes, Miguel...well, he is here to help my father. They’re good friends and I think it’s good that they are hanging together.” It felt like you were trying to justify yourself or something. You cleared your throat and grabbed your coffee while Mag kept looking at you with a knowing smile.

“He is nice, isn’t he?”, she asked after a few seconds and you simply nodded slowly.

The rest of the afternoon went by pretty fast as the four of you got lost again in your memories. Assya was the first to leave because she had to pick up her kids at daycare and Jane and Mag followed quickly. Once they were gone, you let the silence of the house wrap around your and youfinally rested your face against the wooden panel of the door for a few seconds with your eyes closed. As much as it was nice seeing them again, you feltl drained of all your energy and you would probably need a few days to recharge your social battery.

The sounds of footsteps made you turn around and there was Miguel, looking at you from the end of the hallway, a soft smile on his lips.

“Are you alright?”

You leaned your back against the door for a few seconds as a migraine started hitting your head. He could sense that something was off and that you needed to rest despite your attempt at reassuring him. He slowly moved closer to you and only stopped when he was a few feet away. He didn’t exactly know what made him act this way but there was again this lingering need to take care of you in ways that would make him feel ashamed if he could admit it.

“I can leave you alone if you want…”

“No it’s okay.”

Your eyes trailed up and down his figure in the dim light of the corridor and your eyes locked on the apron he is wearing. The white fabric had turned yellow at some point and the blue flowers on it looked withered. On one of the pockets there was a small heart. You had embroidered yourself when you were younger, as a gift to your mother.

Miguel seemed to realize his mistake and he started to untie the apron. He didn’t mean to offense you by taking this memory of your mother out of the cabinets. He just took the first thing he had found to cover himself. He was about to apologize when your hands stopped his movements, holding his wrists firmly.

“Don’t take it off.”

Your voice was only a murmur but he clearly heard you. With a soft sigh, he intertwined his fingers with yours while your two bodies got a bit closer. The mere light from the window of the door looked like a halo around your hair and he has to catch his breath. The room suddenly fels like it had been completely deprived of air while he got lost in your eyes. What if he got closer? What if he held you in his arms, only for a few seconds? What if…

The questions rushed in his mind, pressing him to decide what to do. But he had the feeling that none of this is what you need at the moment, nor what he should do. The grip of his fingers on yours finally loosened and he stepped back.

“I’ll be in the living room if you need anything.” You watched him slowly walk away before leaning back against the door. Your body slowly slid down the panel and you end up sitting down the floor, a mix of boiling, raw emotions that you couldn't identify lingering inside your chest.

When you were finally back inside the living room, you noticed that Miguel had left a glass of water and some aspirin for you. You smiled at the sweet attention and immediately swallowed one pill. He also had cleaned up a bit the room and yet, all the album photos were still out. Your father was sitting down the couch, absorbed in the old pictures, so much that he hadn’t notice your presence at first. You didn’t need to look over his shoulders to know what, or rather who he was looking at. In fact you’d rather disappear from the room rather than bring the attention to this topic but he caught the sound of your footsteps as soon as you started moving

“Hey…” he gently called you out. When he turned around, you caught a glimpse of the picture he was looking and you were unfortunately right. It was a picture of you and your mom. It had been taken the first year you all went camping in family. “How was the afternoon with your friends?”

“Good. Thanks.”

He was smiling in a way that would break even a heart of stone. With a tired sigh, you dragged your body to the side of the couch and sat by his side.

Your mother was holding you in her arms on the picture. You zere both wearing matching green windbreakers, an idea from your father because he was wearing the same one on the other side of the picture. There was something so comforting about staying in her arms like that. She was not a frail woman with he square-shaped shoulders, her burly arms tanned after hours spent in the garden and she was always carrying around her a scent like the one of a fireplace. You were sure that it was how a mother’s hug was supposed to feel for a long time in your life, strong, maybe a bit rough in the beginning like a mama bear holding her cubs. It was the only kind of hugs that could chase away the monsters under your bed or in your heads once you grew up.

Your father’s fingers glided over the page and you felt a bit uncomfortable. You squirmed over your sit, not knowing what to do. Should you offer a few words of comfort? Hug him? It would be quite appropriate but you were not sure your hugs would feel as comforting as hers.

He sensed your discomfort and flips the page. A large smile slowly crept up his face and he started laughing. It was a picture of you at a dance recital, around age 8, dressed as a large daisy. You cringed at the picture. Your chubby cheeks were squished by the fabric of your corolla and you were all red and sweaty, because of course the taffetas of the dress was too hot for the month of May.

“Dad, can we please ignore that?”

“No way, you’re looking adorable. And your mother spent so many time on your costume.”

The sound of your banter had attracted Miguel and he smiled when he seed that you seemed to feel a bit better. When your dad called him in, you felt a cold sweat running down your back.

“Dad, no.”

But the catastrophe happened too fast for you to react. Miguel sat on the other side of the couch and as soon as he looked at the picture, a goofy smile curled up his lips.

“No wonder you enjoy gardening. It’s like your natural habitat after all.”, he teased you gently. Your father laughed loudly at what you would have considered a pretty lame joke if it wasn’t for the adorable smirk that he was wearing. On the next picture, you were dressed as one of the rats for the ballet Nutcracker and you thought that you might actually die of embarrassment right now.

Miguel was having a blast seeing all these pictures that your dad always commented on with a funny story. Not only did he get to see an other side of you but he also caught the blush that crept up your cheeks and that slightly annoyed pout you were doing. Ever since he met you, he had never seen you embarrassed or really flustered. This might be the most emotions you’ve shown in one time and he quickly diverted his attention from the picture to your profile. After seeing the pictures he could clearly see how well of a mix you are between your parents. You got the lanky silhouette from your father, his long and thin face with the sharp eyes and pronounced chin. And from your mother, those curly locks, your nose with the high arch and those cheekbones… The said cheekbones were turning more and more flushed, their shade according well with the one of your tinted lips.

"Stop looking", he taunted himself.

As the pages kept moving and your dad talking, you slowly relaxed and your arm was now resting on top of the head of the couch. Just like Miguel’s. You were still trying to act unbothered the first time his fingers brushed against yours, thinking it might be an accident. But when it happened again, you were not so sure anymore that it was a mistake. Your two hands were resting behind the couch and your fingers were brushing from time to time, especially when Miguel was laughing at one of your dad’s jokes. At some point his forefinger brushed against your wrist, right against the edge of your sleeve.

You quickly pulled your hand back to yourself. Not out of discomfort but because you felt confused. This was not an invitation from your part...but you wouldn’t have minded for this contact to last a bit longer either…

Miguel didnn’t dare thinking that he was disappointed. Touching an inch of your skin even for a few seconds was still worth every hour of hesitation and turmoil that would come after it. How could your skin be so soft? So tempting? All when he had seen of it so far was your hands and a bit of your neck?

Still unaware of what was happening behind his back, literally, your father turned to an other page. It was a picture of you on your last recital. You were around fifteen years old, dressed in a dainty pink tutu, glitters sprinkled all over your hair. You had spent hours cleaning them off with your mother afterwards...

“This was your last recital?”, Miguel asked but it was your father who replied.

“She had to stop after that. You know how it is? High school, college entrance exams…”

Miguel didn’t reply but he did furrow his brows and nodded with a serious look on his face. He would have liked to ask more questions about this part of your life that looked so surreal. How come this little girl with that bright smile and her face covered in glitters turned into the woman you were today? He could’t also help but wonder if you still remembered a few dance moves…

But your father had flipped the pages once again and now there was an other picture of you with a boy around your age. His skin was the same shade as yours and brown curls flowed down to his shoulders. The two of you were standing close to each other, at a respectable distance with a shy look on your face. Miguel knew too well this type of picture and when he looked back at you, he was expecting to see some reaction on your face. Maybe you would be a bit embarrassed, flustered or at least nostalgic? But to his surprise you had a blank expression on your face. He didn’t know if it’s good or not. Before he could ask anything else, your father said in an obnoxious voice:

“You were such a cute couple together, David and you. You remember that day, Y/N?”

“Mhh...not really.” You seemed pretty unaffected by the picture, which was not something that Miguel was expecting from someone who just saw such a memory.

“Oh come on...you really don’t remember? It was for your birthday. You remember that nice necklace he gave you?”

You nodded without saying anything. You knew it was useless to argue with your father over this topic. He had always loved David, almost like a son. The fact that his parents were from the same diaspora as your father only made them get closer and your father had always assumed that you would end up with David. He was a nice guy, sure. But there was a reason why you never kept seeing each other after high school and you remembered it while looking at the picture. There was no chemistry between you, even a blind could see that, whatever your dad liked to think.

Miguel’s eyes were still locked on your profile and the more you were looking at the picture, the more anxious he was getting. Why were still silent? How was he supposed to understand the way you were looking at this picture? Was this good? Bad? Did you miss that David guy? Why was he suddenly just realizing that you must have had former partners? And why did he make him want to take your hand back in his, to pull you closer to him?

Your father didn’t seem to realize that there was a slight tension because he kept digging his own grave:

“It’s been a long time since you saw each other. Did you even call him? You know, I think he would be really happy to talk to you…” and with what was supposed to be a playful nudge, he added: “And I heard that he is single.” Miguel quickly caught the pink hue on your cheeks and it made his stomach twist as if he was sick. Were you embarrassed? Or was there more to this reaction? God, he hadn’t realized until now how hard it was to read you and he wished he could ask you directly. But...he was not entitled to ask that of you. Who was he to think that?

“Dad, I’m not going to call him.”, you replied while organizing the albums on the coffee table. “We had a good time and now it’s over. What happened in the past belonged to the past.”

Miguel almost sighed out of relief but your father was quick to reply: “Maybe you should start thinking about the future...I mean, you’re almost thirty and I haven’t seen you with anyone in a few years now.”

That was a low blow.

Even if it had been said in a rather understanding voice, you couldn’t help but feel your blood boil. This was the last conversation you wanted to have with your father. Miguel felt like his presence was unwanted and he tried to make his way out of the living room as quietly as possible. He would be in the kitchen if you needed help but there was no need for him to make you feel like he was prying on this delicate moment.

***

It was not your first time having this argument with your father. In fact, you remembered the last time it happened. It was a few years ago when you decided to move with your last boyfriend. Most parents would have welcomed such a good news but your father wasn’t too happy about it. First of all, he never really liked this man. History would prove him right, but it was not for the good reasons that he disliked him.

“He is not what I imagined. He is..."

Not like us.

That cryptic sentence took all its sense when you introduced your boyfriend to your father. He didn’t fit in. Your father wanted someone who could speak his language, who could share his memories of the country they left…

“And you’re living with him without even getting married?”

“You know what the people will say!”

“I raised you better than this…”

Hearing him screaming was somehow less hurtful that his resigned voice. He could sound so disappointed sometimes that you almost wondered why you even kept trying.

But at least at the time, you had your mother by your side. She always knew how to calm him down. She was like this bridge between the two of you and somehow she was the only one who would manage to help you find a compromise.

At least when she was alive.

***

You couldn’t run to your mother after an argument anymore and you’d rather stay alone than talk with anyone else. At least, that’s what you used to think. Now that you were back in this house, you might as well go and see her.

The next day, you grabbed your windbreaker and headed out of the house before your father had waken up. You had spent the last evening, alone in your room. It’s been so long since the two of you fought; you had forgotten how bad it could hurt sometimes. The thought that Miguel could have heard your argument made you feel so embarrassed. What was he thinking now?

The air around you was crisp and you could feel the scent of the pines and the muddy ground this early in the morning. It was a perfect day for what you were about to do… The gates of the cemetery had barely opened when you walked inside. It was a few days before Halloween and a few people would come and clean the graves soon, change the flowers… Seeing all the decorated graves made you regret not bringing anything. And given your father’s state, no one probably brought anything to your mother’s grave.

She was right where you remembered her. The plaque with her name stood at the foot of a small hill. A vase with withered flowers, a decoration with a dove...exactly how you remembered it to be. You carefully sat in front of it and watched the black marble. A few remaining raindrops from the night slid down the material, on top of her name engraved on it.

“Beloved mother and wife.”

Finally, some peace and some silence.

You didn’t know how long exactly you stayed there, sometimes contemplating the grey sky, sometimes the delicate intricacy of the letters of her name. Next time you would bring some flowers you promised as much as her than to yourself. At some point while looking at the build-up of stormy clouds in the sky, you noticed a large silhouette, all too familiar, moving down the hill.

What was he doing here?

You tried to get up despite your numb legs and the silhouette seemed to walk faster in your direction, his long coat flowing behind him. It was only when the first raindrops fell down that he managed to join you.

Miguel didn’t even dare asking you anything, if you were feeling alright, who you came to visit… the answer to each question was obvious. Instead, he simply offered you shelter under his umbrella and a tissue for your wet eyes.

“Do you want to stay a bit longer here?”, he finally asked after a few seconds. You shook your head and the two of you made your way out of the graveyard. His arm was holding yours, guiding you gently toward the exit, his sturdy shoulder brushing against yours from time to time.

When you reached his car, Miguel opened the door for you and then sat in front of the stirring wheel. But he didn’t feel like taking you back home now. And neither did you.

The rain was hitting the roof of the car in a loud, discorded melody. You could barely see the world outside through that much rain. A slight fog had covered the windows with the warmth of the heater, and yet your shoulders don’t stop shivering.

Miguel’s comforting hand gently squeezed your shoulder as he tried to make you look this way, a vain attempt to anchor you in the moment.

“Hey…”

He was slowly getting a bit more worried that you’re not responding but he doesn’t dare insisting. His hand stopped at a few inches from your face before he slowly leaned back into his seat. The silence inside the car was only troubled by your heavy breaths as you tried to compose yourself. After a few minutes, he couldn’t hold it anymore and asked: “Do you want to talk about it?”

You were not sure if he was talking about the argument with your father or your visit to the cemetery but you still shook your head. He felt a bit relieved when he heard your voice, even if it was barely a whisper:

“I’m fine, Miguel.”

An other heavy silence filled up the space inside the car and quite surprisingly you were the one breaking it this time, again.

“Why were you here?”

His eyes seemed suddenly very focused on the stirring wheel and he absented-mindly started rubbing his pointer finger with his thumb while looking for his words.

“I needed to visit someone.”

===============================================

Notes: This was a pretty messy chapter, so I want to thank anyone who took the time to read this.

I'm currently working on the seventh chapter and just so you know, I'm very impatient to write it.

Taglist: @safixiovi @laysmt @reverieblondie

My Masterlist!

< part 5 / part 7 >

#miguel o'hara #across the spiderverse #spiderman 2099 #atsv #astv miguel #miguel 2099 #fanfic #spiderverse #atsv miguel #miguel x reader #dbf!miguel #miguel angst #daddy issues #older dad bf #this fic has turned into my therapy #i'm sorry

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loudmound · 3 months

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hi. welcome to my mary shepherd-sunderland post.

what will follow is who i think she is as a character, what she means to the narrative of sh2, and why people should think and talk about her more bcs me and the 4 other mary fans are dying out here.

DISCLAIMER BEFORE WE BEGIN: a lot of this post will be enmeshed with interpretation and headcanon that draws from me analyzing the text of sh2. this is My Post about mary. stormy mary post. please understand this.

the foundation of mary's character is an exceptionally strong one, and for someone like me, i enjoy making inferences about her person before the illness, during the illness, and near the end. the personality she has in sh2 is flexible enough to allow what i imagine her to have been like in my mind's eye.

i do not want this post to be read as the Definitive Canonical Interpretation of mary. i am just doing my best to inform my analysis of mary with the text as well as building from that set foundation given to us as the audience.

with that out of the way, please enjoy.

PART ONE: MARY AS A CONCEPT

what exists of mary is filtered through the lens of memory before the cumulative letter in the respective endings we receive it. throughout sh2, her status and state of being is re-contextualized as her husband moves closer and closer to the truth of the matter. she is an individual wrapped in idealistic fantasy that is slowly and surely stripped away the longer the game goes along, and the more we actualize her as the person she once was.

this element of conceptualization and fantasy is a through-line in sh2's narrative. mary is everywhere james looks in his version of the town. she's in the rot and rust on the walls, she's in the monsters he fights and runs from, she's in the places he goes, her face and voice is maria's, and she even has some of her memories and personality traits. it is truly understated how much mary just... IS in sh2, in spite of her not being physically present.

there's also this dichotomy i've been thinking about in the inability for mary and james to exist outside of one another, thematically speaking. for fundamentally being two different people, they are inextricably tied to one another in a really unfortunate and tragic way. james grafts himself to mary's memory before her sickness and slowly begins to resent the woman she's become out of anything but her own volition, and mary grafts herself to james because... she has to.

she's sick, she's dying, she's largely bedridden and in constant pain. she cannot rely on herself anymore; she has to rely on the people around her to take care of her, and when she inevitably goes home to live out whatever time she has left... it's james she has to rely on. and while i think james finds immense comfort and pleasure in living in the past they had while refuting the present, mary is thoroughly imbedded in the present and resents the past by means of something that she can no longer have. neither of them can, but i've always interpreted mary to be a very pragmatic and proactive individual.

she discusses in her letter how pathetic and ugly she feels, how she waits in her cocoon of pain and loneliness that's been grafted onto her unwillingly while she waits for james to visit her, and it's clear to me that she is the kind of individual that puts so much emphasis on being a useful and beautiful woman. that is what gives her worth as a human being within the society in which she lives (late 80s usa in my opinion). canonically, she is a housewife, and while that certainly coheres, i'm of the belief that she was a woman who worked outside the home as well, but also someone who did not do enough unpacking to really get away from gendered roles expected of her.

i really do believe that she feels she failed james spectacularly as a partner, but also as a wife; therein, as a person in his life. both of them dealt with their own baggage regarding gendered expectations, but mary in particular's is incredibly potent and crushing if you actualize her as someone who, in turn, wanted to be the perfect wife to james. kind, patient, nurturing, submissive, etc.

of course, as we all know, the perfect wife/woman/whatever you want it to be, is an unattainable concept, because how can anybody human like mary exist within such ridiculous, reductive parameters?

PART TWO: MARY AS A PERSON

so, in that case, who was mary, then? who was she, if not this idealized vision of a wife long lost?

as i've alluded to before, i envision her as a very pragmatic and proactive person; in the video tape of her, she seems very playful and outgoing, but also contemplative, appreciative, and straightforward. i've always seen her as a very different person from james in regards to how she navigates through life.

she's comparatively much more outward and readily emotional, but seems to retain a level of quiet interiority that meshes very well with james' very inward attitude. a very typical "bubbly wife and stoic husband" sort of situation on the surface, but i've always thought that mary greatly appreciated having james as an emotional anchor of sorts; somebody who can soothe the more keyed-up aspects of her personality, given how quiet and easygoing he is.

given how she mentions how angry she was all the time at the advent of learning of her incumbent death, i view her as somebody who really does not like being out of control of her own life. she has an idea of how she wants things to be and she wants them done the way she has already since chosen. (do not interrupt her routines. she will get very irritated.) she's very particular, and i think she's had to learn how not to just take the reigns from somebody else if she perceives them to be going about something "incorrectly" because this particular flaw has led to some arguments/falling-outs with loved ones in the past.

in that particular vein, holy fuck is this woman a fixer. she needs to fix everything she possibly can. the sink's busted? don't worry, she's had a lifetime of fixing shitty plumbing in her childhood home because nobody else bothered. need a couple more bucks for gas? don't worry, she always keeps a few extra dollars on her because she knows what it's like to be a few short and not have anyone else to turn to that you can trust.

you've been deeply traumatized and scarred by your adverse childhood experiences and it's left you with maladaptive and dysfunctional coping mechanisms? don't worry, she'll be there for you, in sickness and in health.

to me, mary's the kind of person that likes seeing the fruits of her labor, too. she takes great pride in being as self-sufficient at she has been, and does very much enjoy sharing that with others as much as she can. genuinely, i think she's very giving and compassionate, but jesus, when it came to james when he was struggling (before she got sick), it certainly got a bit dire. using your wife for free emotional labor is one thing, but when that wife welcomes it for a while because she has a pervasive desire to fix everything, including you? yeah.

also, of course, mary felt a pertinent obligation to doing such, being The Wife and all, but she's also a human person and got exhausted dealing with the amount of baggage her husband had, and their relationship got pretty rocky because of james' unwillingness to seek professional help (stemming from trauma with the laughable us-healthcare system) and mary's unwillingness to recant over and over again what she has in her toolbox.

which is where silent hill comes in. a belated honeymoon of sorts, mary and james take a trip to take their mind off the doom-inspiring monotony that is domestic life, and it's great!

until it isn't.

PART THREE: TERMINAL ILLNESS

so, the nature of mary's illness has never been clearly stated canonically, but we know that it gave her a persistent cough, rendered her bedbound, made her hair fall out, and made lumps grow all over her skin. i'm of the belief that she had hansen's disease, but cancer is also incredibly plausible too.

hansen's disease is one of those things that can lie dormant for years, and it can sometimes take a decade for symptoms to surface, so i don't think it was really a matter of mary catching anything from silent hill, per se. (i do think toluca lake has just the most godawful brain-eating bacteria in it but that's aside the point.) it's definitely a curable disease, but perhaps the strain mary had was a particularly severe variant. point being, however, is that this thing ruined her inside and out.

in the beginning stages, (year 1 or so) i do think she was pretty touchy, emotionally speaking. she tries to keep up appearances as much as she can and is able to, but it's clear that something has shifted for the worst. she's much more somber in the moments of quiet. her contemplative nature turns to brooding. she smiles, still, but her smiles are undoubtedly laced with a wry, bitter sadness.

she's now toiling with thoughts of dying as a way out, too. it'd be easier if they'd just kill me, she laments at one point. simultaneously at the crux of wanting freedom from one's pain in death but terrified of said death as being eternal, too.

it's something you can't ever undo.

now... i'd say a pretty controversial aspect of mary's character during this period of time is whether or not she was abusive towards james during her illness. cases have been made, it's a fairly ambiguous situation as presented in-game, but i think mary's anger that she expressed was quiet, overall. she tried to keep it quiet, at least, and when she did lash out, it was almost always in part due to her newfound level of self-loathing. when she's yelling at james in that hallway, she's yelling at herself more than she is at him.

she's no longer a person, to herself and to others around her that treat her like a dying animal than the woman that she is; the woman that she used to be. i'd be livid if i were her, too!

she also mentions in her letter that she "struck out at everyone she loved most." i have very strong reason to believe that she loved laura, and that unfortunately, she too was caught in the crossfire of mary's mood swings/outbursts. i also think that the guilt mary expresses when we're listening to the hallway conversation is genuine; i don't think her outburst and subsequent apology was a manipulation tactic to make james feel bad.

i think she's genuinely suffering. she doesn't know what to do with these compounding negative feelings. she has nowhere to put them. james comes in at a bad time and becomes the target. after the damage has been done, she realizes this and crumbles immediately. she's hurt james. she needs to do damage control however she can.

of course, none of this is to say that women can't ever be abusive/abusers and we can have conversations about the nuances of that all day, but... it's disquieting to me to see a consistent reading of a terminally ill female character's torment and anger be read as "abusive" to further exonerate the male character's deed of murdering her. like, i think we should consider that for a bit. i think we can hold that mary's behavior was not the best, but james' wasn't, either.

mary waited for him, but he never comes. he stays away, festering in his own grief, mourning her before she's even passed. i see james' aversion to seeing her in large part as a trauma response due to past abuse while growing up; when she shouts at him like that, it drags all of those ugly feelings and memories up.

it's a relationship i see as something that was mutually declining. it was something that was left to die. much like mary was, in a lot of ways.

mary was terrified that james hated her. that she disgusted him with her appearance, that he pitied her for being ill and effectively useless to him. that was something plaintively out of her control, being in the hospital. james could've ripped the bandage off and braved seeing her. he could've talked to her. he could've rekindled what was deteriorating. but he didn't.

again, mary's proactive nature of yearning for james, wanting to see him, wanting to talk to him and talk about them and what to do when the time comes. she wants to figure this out as best she can.

but james doesn't, and he still never comes.

mary poured everything left in her that she could muster in that letter. she profusely apologized for everything, for things that weren't even her fault to begin with. she told james that she loved him in that letter, because she couldn't say it to him to his face any longer. she didn't know if she would have any time left to do such.

but she does. and however long later, he kills her.

mary isn't a perfect victim, nobody that's a victim in sh2 is supposed to be. but she is still an individual that deserves compassion nonetheless, and i think the game does its due diligence in getting that across.

PART FOUR: MARIA

i think have to at least touch upon maria a bit if you're writing a post about mary. i think that's just the way it is.

maria, as we know, is a manifestation created by silent hill as a means to confront/interrogate/"punish" james by emulating mary but with very... choice character design changes.

she's clad in leopard print and a cropped red blouse. she's a dancer at heaven's night. she has bleach blonde hair with the roots peeking in. her face is all done up. she still extroverted, but far more provocative and alluring. she's a fantasy; something unattainable.

but she could be yours in whatever way you want her to be!

maria is utterly fascinating as an interrogation of james' character, but also as a reflection of mary, too. in born from a wish, she expresses her fear of pain and death, of being alone in town with no one else around, while also toiling with suicidal ideation. (sound familiar?) she seeks out companionship in whatever form it takes, and jumps on it when she does find it in ernest.

how much of mary is maria has always been up for debate and forever will be, but i think a lot of mary lives within her. the obvious, being the memories that she has of laura and the video tape left in the lakeview hotel, her hot and cold behavior with james, but also in the existential misery she feels in born from a wish. that desire to die to escape the pain of feeling alone, but also wanting to be with somebody else more than anything, and how death would undoubtedly take that away.

i also think her dyed hair isn't even hers; mary had that haircut and dye job when she first met james at that house party all those years ago.

i think maria's standing as a sentient individual is true, but in the sense that she is the combination of both mary and james' baggage made sentient. she never truly existed for herself, as her own person. she'll always have a little bit of someone else in her, someone she doesn't even really know, and that's... utterly tragic.

i think she realized this too when she points that gun to her head. but she chose james anyways out of that same desire for companionship. maybe she could be his new mary. maybe she could be better than mary. it's truly all so fuck.

PART FIVE: CONCLUSION

mary is the reason why sh2 happens for james. full stop. you cannot have sh2 without mary. there is a foundation laid for you to examine and explore. she is as infinitely fascinating as james is, if not more so. join me.

this post is sprawling and probably a bit confused at times because i wrote it on a whim, but i HOPE that i was able to get across the larger ideas of why i love mary as a character and who she could've been before her illness and death. i didn't touch upon everything i possibly could (mary and laura's relationship deserves its own post, i think), but this post is already long enough. i'll edit it in the future, undoubtedly.

thank you so much for reading all the way. listen to her final letter and cry with me.

#mary shepherd sunderland #james sunderland #maria #maria silent hill #silent hill #silent hill 2 #sh2 #stormy shouts #like i said in the conclusion i think mary and laura's relationship is deserving of its own post #i would've loved to get into it here but uh. this post is already very long.#that's where interpretation plays too #talking abt silent hill... showing laura all her photos... loving her like her own daughter... ugh it's so heartrending #anyways. this one's for my maryheads

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gffa · 2 years

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My problem with Rings of Power’s opening episode is that it is nowhere near strong enough to overcome its most fundamental obstacle: It doesn’t have the rights to The Silmarillion, HoME, LaCE, Unfinished Tales, etc., so it cannot reference those events but it wants to tell stories based on those events anyway. So what you end up with is this story that can vaguely gesture in the direction of the Kinslaying and the Feanorians, but it can’t actually tell you about those events. It can gesture in the general direction of the political structure of the First Age, but it can’t actually tell the story of the characters’ relationships with each other. So you’re left with vague, unspecific events instead, you’re left with the show trying to give gravitas to Galadriel’s campaign against the Enemy, but you can’t fill in the details, they don’t even say Finrod’s name, they can’t reference anything more than “and then the Elves went to war”, like, that is the flattest version of those events that you could possibly give! It’s not that there’s not sparks of something really lovely in the show, I actually genuinely enjoy Elrond’s character, there’s a warmth and earnestness to him that wasn’t conveyed in the trailers or character descriptions, where yes he’s young but you can see the person he’ll grow into being. But I spent the entire first episode feeling like something was missing and it really slapped me in the face when Gil-galad asks if he knows Celebrimbor and my mind was immediately like, “I mean, Celebrimbor is Curufin’s son, pretty sure Elrond would be aware of him, yes??” but none of that can be in the show, just that Elrond’s aware of him as an artist. That lack of touching on the connection there made me realize that, so far, nothing in the story has shown us that Elrond is anything more than just some random Elf. That’s my problem with the show! You can get away with it by the time of the Third Age, because Elrond is the head of Rivendell, he’s thousands of years old, there are very few Elves left, you can feel his importance to the history of the world. But when he’s younger, you can’t lean on that, the only things we know about his background are that he’s not an Elf-Lord, he’s Gil-galad’s herald, and he’s Galadriel’s friend. There’s nothing about how Elrond is Thingol’s heir. Or what that means. There’s nothing about how he’s descended from Finwe as well and is a prime candidate for king of the Noldor, after Gil-galad. There’s nothing about his connection to the Feanorians. To Elwing and Earendil. Then there’s Galadriel, who the show does all right with, when they shift her inability to go home/the refusal to turn back from when she first crossed over to Middle-earth to her inability to let go of the fight against Sauron, and I can see some potential in that, that they’re working as an adaptation as best they can, since they can’t reference the events that her source material was built on. But when she was speaking with Elrond over the memorials, all I could think about was how these characters felt like a half-finished story. Celebrian doesn’t exist yet, so that connection isn’t there. This Finrod didn’t die to save Beren, so there’s no sense of, “Oh, had Finrod not sacrificed himself, Elrond wouldn’t be here.” And there’s too little that takes the place of it to fill it in with another story, just that Galadriel’s seen things. Worse things than anyone else. Things. Stuff. She’s seen some shit. Maybe, as the show goes on (I could only finish the first episode before I fell asleep), it’ll do its best to reference these things as much as it can, but it can never overcome its fundamental problem: It’s trying to tell a story about events that it cannot reference and it’s not a strong enough show to overcome that with what it can tell us.

#lumi.txt #tolkien stuff #rings of power

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lustfulslxt · 6 months

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ok, here's an idea. so tk that one song that blew up on tiktok like a year ago (escapism by RAYE) anyways, what about a reader who js broke up w her bf and is doing the things in the song (in the back of the taxi sniffing coke) and for the lyrics that are like "24 hrs since my ex did dead it, I got a new man on me it's abt to get sweaty" but like Chris is the new man on her?? idk if it makes sence, and u don't have to if u don't want, js think it'd be cool!!

Escapism - Chris Sturniolo

warnings : mentions of alcohol, drug use, smut

a/n : i did change it up a bit, so i hope you don’t mind!!

—

“I found someone else.”

His voice keeps replaying over and over in my head, on a twisted loop, tearing my heart to shreds. It was so sudden and unexpected. To say I was prepared would be a lie. I should’ve seen the signs, but I was just so blind to it all.

I knew he loved me, but I guess I also knew deep down inside that he wasn’t ready. He kept telling me everything I wanted to hear. It was music to my ears to hear that someone cared for me so much, but a voice within kept whispering that he wasn’t ready to fill those big shoes. I need a man that is ready to fully commit to a future with me- no hesitation, no doubt. Even though I knew he was good to me in every way possible, he just couldn’t give me everything I needed and wanted. I knew it. I just didn’t want to believe it. I wanted to keep living a fairytale in hopes that one day he would be sure about what we had. I figured the longer I waited for him to change, eventually he would become who I needed him to be. I didn’t want to have to start over.

It hurts. I’m sitting here overthinking, a million and one questions running through my head. Unable to sleep, creating different scenarios, while making a mental list of regrets, but I can’t keep blaming myself for someone else’s inability to provide the type of love I deserve. Tonight is just like any other night, difficult as hell, but I’ll do what I’ve always done. I’ll get over it, I’ll get through it. I’ll be fine.

I’m going to push this all out of my mind. I don’t want to just sit and dwell on what could’ve been or the wasted time, I want to feel free and have fun. So, I’m going to go out and do me. I don’t need a man that isn’t fully in it, and until I find one that is, I’m going to do as I please.

Just last night, I was torn up, completely devastated. Now, I’m heading out the door to go get drunk. My uber is parked right outside, waiting for me. Confirming it’s actually my ride, I slip in the back.

“Good evening.” The woman speaks from the front.

“Hello.” I breathe, eager to feel something other than the terrible aching in my chest.

“Having fun tonight I see.” She grins, looking at my destination on her maps.

“Yes ma’am. Need to get out and get my mind off things.” I admit, shrugging to myself.

“So long as you’re safe.”

I only smile and nod at her in the rear view mirror, turning my head to watch the scenery go by. Doing my best to not let my mind wander to the night before, I close my eyes and hum along to the radio. Already consumed by the music, I grin to myself, letting the lyrics take over and dictate my night.

It doesn’t take long before we pull up to the bar, I’m tipping the driver and making my way out as she wishes me fun. From the outside, it doesn’t look to be too busy, which I’m thankful for. I can hear the chatter and the mellow music outside the front entrance, welcoming me inside.

I walk inside, the atmosphere already calming my slight nerves. I can tell I’m going to enjoy myself. I head up to the bar, taking an empty seat at the island, and wait for the bartender to finish up with a few customers at the end. It only takes a couple of minutes before he’s heading over to me with a smile on his face.

“Hey, what can I get for you tonight?” He asks, laying the towel in his hand on the counter.

“I don’t care what, but something strong, please.” I reply, sliding him my card. “Actually, could you start me a tab?”

He nods, “Sure thing.”

He walks away for a moment, punching into his little register. He slips my card back to me and starts making my drink. I watch as he basically fills it to the brim of some kind of dark liquor. He steps back over, sliding me the small glass with a slight smirk. I take it and down the entirety of it, cringing at the burning sensation.

“Keep them coming, please.” I speak, lifting my head and letting the alcohol do its thing.

Shots on shots, I’m now very intoxicated. I’ve never done anything like this, getting fucked up at a bar by myself, but I have to say, it’s not bad. Anything to rid myself of my sorrows. The liquor is coursing through my veins, making my body hot. I can hear the music booming in my ears, though it’s not even that loud. I don’t feel the aching in my chest anymore, and my thoughts aren’t consumed with regrets and self doubt. I feel good.

It’s been two hours since I got to the bar, I’ve had countless of shots and I know I can’t take anymore. I’m going to have a terrible hangover when I get up in the morning. I slide the empty cup in front of me, grabbing my bag and waving the bartender down.

“You can go ahead and close my tab out. I am fucked.” I slurred, shaking my head with a faint smile.

“You got it. Do you need me to order you an uber?” He questions, his brows furrowed with concern.

“Thank you for the offer, but mine’s already waiting outside.” I smile, waving my phone in my hand.

“Alright, take care.”

I give him a salute, drunken giggles pouring out of my mouth. Turning on my heel, I make my way to the front door. Upon exiting the building, the cool wind blows through my hair, and I’m inhaling a breath of fresh air. My eyes scan the street in front of me, in search of my uber driver. A few cars down, I see the car waiting. Attempting to be quick, I stupidly speed walk, causing myself to trip a few times. Luckily, I still hold my ground and don’t completely eat shit. I reach the back door, swiftly pulling it open and sliding in.

“Uh, what’s up?” A male voice speaks, startling me.

Startling me, because he’s also sitting in the backseat. I furrow my eyebrows at him and look around, noticing the car is filled with smoke and the aroma of weed. Then I return my gaze to him, taking in his appearance as he’s cladded in black. He’s got a black t-shirt underneath a black zip up hoodie, black sweats, black air forces, and a black hat sitting backwards on his head.

“I didn’t realize I booked a share ride.” I stammer, confusion plastered over my face.

“You didn’t.” He chuckled, “This isn’t your uber.”

“Swear down? It definitely is, I wouldn’t get in a random car.” I point out, slightly stumbling over my words.

He continues laughing, and that’s when I noticed the blunt in his hand, the cherry red and smoking.

“I’m 100% sure that it’s not, ma. Here, look.” He says, showing me his phone.

It’s displayed on the screen, the type of car and his uber driver, which is definitely this one. I shake my head in confusion, pulling my phone out to show him. Only once I unlock my phone, I notice that I hadn’t fully ordered the ride. My face heats up, and I would be utterly humiliated if I weren’t drunk right now.

“Guess I had one too many.” I mumble, a smile evidently taking over my lips. “Sorry.”

“No worries. We can share.” He shrugs, indicating it’s no big deal.

I raise my eyebrows in question, but he only leans forward to the driver, asking, “Would you mind dropping her off wherever she needs to go? I’ll pay for it.”

“You don’t need to pay-“ He cuts me off with a wave of his hand, continuing his conversation with the driver.

Seconds later, he sits back with a triumphant smile on his face. He sends me a thumbs up, bringing the blunt to his lips and inhaling it, the cherry burning brighter. After puffing on it a couple of times, he extends it out to me, offering me a hit. I don’t know what came over me, but I gladly accept it, bringing it to my lips and sucking it in.

“What’s your name?” He asks, observing me intently.

“Y/N.” I answer, blowing the smoke out and passing him the blunt. “You?”

He takes it with a small smirk, replying, “Chris.”

I nod, leaning forward to give the driver my address, which he types into his maps. I look back at Chris to see he’s already looking at me with a cheeky grin, which causes me to giggle.

“What?” I ask, a large smile adorning my face.

He shakes his head, “Nothing. Just wondering why you’re as fucked up as you are when you’re by yourself.”

“I am not fucked up.” I state, defensively.

“You got into my uber, thinking it was yours, but you never even booked one.” He points out, chuckling at my predicament.

“Fair.” I laugh, ultimately shrugging, “I got dumped, and I decided to get my mind off of it. What better way to do that than getting shit faced?”

“Fair.” He repeats me, laughing. “You don’t have any friends to go out with?”

I shake my head, my lip softly curling up, “Not really.”

“I won’t pry.” He tosses his hands up in defense, before taking another drag from his blunt.

“Do you think he’d be cool to stop at a gas station or something?” I whisper to Chris, suddenly wanting to drink again.

“Yeah, surely.” He agrees with furrowed eyebrows.

He leans up and begins conversing with the driver. I can’t help but let my mind wander again. I’m drunk, in the back of a car with a stranger, and somehow my thoughts still run back to my ex boyfriend. What is actually wrong with me?

“Yo, you good?” Chris’ voice snaps me from my thoughts.

��Hm? Oh yeah, could use another bottle or something.” I shrug in response.

“We’re about to stop at 7/11. I can get you one if you need.” He says.

I immediately shake my head, “No, no. You already offered to pay for my ride, that’s more than enough.”

“It’s no problem.” He casually replies, reaching his blunt back out in my direction.

A smile reaches my lips once again as I take it from him, puffing on it and letting the smoke fill my lungs. I can’t help but notice the way he intently watches me, his bottom lip snug between his teeth. He’s actually very attractive.

We continue talking and joking around, passing time before we pull up to the store. I step out, prancing towards the door, Chris joining me. I spin around, looking at him with a cheeky smile, almost tripping in the process. Chris reaches out and catches my arm, laughter pouring out of both of our mouths.

“Take it easy, mama.” He chuckles, tossing an arm around my shoulder.

I playfully push him away, both of us staggering apart from each other, breathless from our heavy laughter. We get to the door and he leans over me, pulling it open for me, him following in suit. I’m instantly heading to the coolers while Chris heads to the snack aisle. As I’m browsing through the alcohol, I see Chris’ reflection in the glass doors, his arms full of a bunch of junk food.

I turn around with a huge smile, “That’s a lot of snacks.”

He smiled back, shuffling on his feet, “Yeah. I was actually going to ask you if you would maybe want to come to my hotel and hangout?”

It doesn’t even take me a second before I’m nodding, “Sounds like fun.”

“Great. What are we drinking?” He asks, directing our attention back to the coolers.

I open the door, grabbing a random mini six pack of beer. I hold it up to him and he shrugs, neither of us caring. I head to another cooler, looking for something to drink aside from the alcohol. I decide on just a two liter of pepsi. We make our way to the register, piling our things on the counter.

“ID, please.” The man behind the counter says, his voice monotone and bored.

I can’t help the giggles emitting from my mouth, pulling my card out and showing him. He scans all of our things and I swipe my debit card, much to Chris’ dismay. Retrieving our bags, we’re out the door and in the uber again.

“Change of plans, just the hotel.” Chris tells the driver. “Sorry for all the confusion.”

“No worries.” He responds, pulling out of the parking lot.

It takes us around ten minutes to get Chris’ hotel, and in that time, we’ve already grown closer in our intoxicated states. We’ve both gotten extremely touchy, but not even in a sexual way, though I wouldn’t mind. Chris puts our bags of snacks and drinks in his backpack, then we get out of the car. Chris tips the driver, before he places his hand on my back, walking me into the hotel.

We head to the elevator and I’m already pulling a beer out of his bag. I pop the cap off and place it in my pocket, taking a swig as we wait for the elevator to get to the main floor. Chris looks at me and chuckles, grabbing the bottle from my hand and drinking it himself. The doors open and we enter it, him taking another drink as he presses the button to level five, the brown liquor pouring into his mouth so smoothly.

“You’re so hot.” I drunkenly say, bursting into laughter at my slip.

“Yeah, but look at you.” He smirks, nodding at me as he looks me up and down. “You look like you taste good.”

My jaw goes slack, the atmosphere growing more tense. Quickly recovering, I shrug, “Only one way to find out.”

“Don’t mind if I do.” He flashes his pearly white teeth at me, his hand finding its way to my back again, pulling me into him.

His face is swiftly leaning in, his lips meeting mine in seconds. The kiss is soft but hungry, like we’ve been yearning for each other all night. Maybe we have. His hand on my back pulls me even closer, our bodies pressing together, his hand holding the beer bottle out as to not spill in on me. His tongue swipes in between my lips, asking for entrance as one of my hands rests on his chest, the other going around his neck. Just as he shoves his tongue in my mouth, the elevator dings and the doors open, revealing an elderly couple. We quickly pull away and they look at us with wide eyes, Chris and I just chuckling as we exit, making room for them. We look back at them, then back at each other, laughing once more.

As soon as Chris unlocks the door, he’s pulling me in and pinning me to the wall, kicking the door shut with his foot. His lips meet mine in a feverish kiss, his tongue immediately slipping into my mouth. I can’t help but moan at the feeling, enjoying the way he seems so desperate for me. He leans to the side and places the bottle on the table, slipping his bag off his shoulders as well. His hands meet my hips, pulling me into him, his tongue exploring every inch of my mouth. He quickly shakes off his jacket, his lips never leaving mine.

He then swiftly lifts me up, hooking my legs around his waist, walking me to the bed. He sets me down, pulling his shirt over his head as I do the same, leaving me topless. He grins at the sight of my bare breasts, his hands immediately groping them, eliciting low moans from me. We both kick off our shoes before he lays me back, hovering above me.

“You’re so pretty, mama.” He breathlessly whispers against my lips.

I let out soft whimpers as his lips trail down my neck, leaving hot kisses the lower he went. He hands massage my waist, squeezing ever so slightly. My hands move back and forth from his hair to his bare chest, feeling all over him and keeping him flush against me. His skin is so hot against mine and I can’t get enough of it.

“You sure you wanna do this?” He asks, pausing to look me in the eyes.

I frantically nod, no doubt or hesitation whatsoever. His hands tug on my pants, swiftly pulling them down and tossing them aside. He kisses up from my feet to my thighs, leaving warm lines of saliva in his wake. I can feel my legs shaking a little bit, anticipating what’s to come. His nose brushes against the fabric of my panties, and I can feel his hot breath against my core, making me whimper.

“Please.” I whine, my fingers latching onto his hair.

“What do you need, mama?” He asks, flattening his tongue against the wet patch on my center.

I can’t help but moan and buck my hips, desperate for more, “Please, I need you. I don’t care, just you.”

Just like that, my underwear is lying beside my pants and Chris has my legs over his shoulders. He blows cool hair onto my dripping pussy, the feeling causing shivers to travel up my spine. Without another word, his tongue is plunging into my folds, eliciting a loud moan from me. His mouth moves vigorously against me, licking and sucking every inch.

“Fuck, I knew you would taste good.” He hums into me, “I could devour you all day everyday, never get tired of it.”

All I can muster are lewd moans, my body jerking as he suddenly thrusts two fingers into my entrance. His tongue laps my clit, flicking side to side over it, his fingers stroking me and curling so perfectly inside. My legs visibly tremble, clamping around his head as I feel myself being brought to the edge. With another few pumps of his fingers, and the rapid shake of his head side to side, his tongue pressed firmly against my clit the entire time, my back arches off the bed as I let go, reaching my climax with a loud cry emitting from my mouth.

“So pretty, mama. Such a good girl, letting me taste you.” He praises, licking up every drop.

He lifts himself up, coming back above me. He places his fingers at my mouth, tapping lightly on my lips, so I take them in my mouth, sucking my essence from him. He moans at the sight, immediately replacing his fingers with his tongue, the taste of me remaining behind as we kissed.

“Take your pants off.” I say, breathless from the feverish kissing.

“Are you sure?” He questions, to which I nod, and he pulls them off, along with his boxers.

The sight of his dick has my mouth watering; it’s long, girthy, and rock hard. His tip is bright red, throbbing in need as it drips precum. I wrap my hand around it, pumping up and down a few times, before pushing him onto his back and straddling him. His eyes widen at the sudden change, but nonetheless, his hands meet my thighs and he begins stroking them back and forth. His erection is now pressed between my legs, poking into my heat. I slowly grind down on it, lubricating him with my juices, pulling low moans from both of us.

“Fuck.” He groans, his hands tightening on my hips. “Just wanna be inside of you, mama.”

Granting his wish, I lift up, positioning him at my entrance. As I begin sliding down, his hands interlock with mine, squeezing them as I take his whole length. My jaw goes slack, taking in the feeling of him inside me. I feel him shudder beneath me, thrusting up a bit, snapping me back into it. Our hands rest beside his shoulders, still intertwined, and I slowly begin bouncing. Leaning down, I bring my lips to his, capturing them in a heated kiss. The speed of my motion increases, his hips now thrusting upwards to meet mine, hitting just the right spots.

“You feel so good around my cock. So tight, so warm and wet.” Chris moans, burying his face in the crook of my neck.

The room is hot, our bodies sweaty and sticking together. The smell of sex fills the air, the sounds of our moans and heavy breathing, along with the wetness at our centers, echoing off the walls. The bed rocks back and forth, though not too loud. His dick continued digging into me, my walls wrapping around him so snugly, my arousal being the perfect lubrication.

His upward thrusts pick up, his hands now on my hips, holding me in place as he drills into me. My face falls into his shoulder, my teeth biting at the skin, preventing myself from screaming at the overwhelming sensation. His hands find my ass, gripping and spreading my cheeks, helping me rock into him so perfectly. It takes but only a second for me to tumble over the edge, loud moans falling from my mouth as I clench around him. I feel the hot wetness pouring out of me, soaking his dick and balls. My nails dig into his chest, attempting to help release the built up pressure inside of me.

“Damn, mama.” He groans, guttural moans escaping his throat. “Look so good when you cum, baby.”

I bring my lips back to his, kissing him with everything in me as his thrusts grow sloppy, indicating he’s close to finishing. I tighten around him once more, giving him that extra push, and his hips sputter, abdomen flexing as he lets go, shooting his load into me. I continue riding him for a minute, helping him through his orgasm, before slowly pulling off and whining at the loss of being filled up by him. I collapse down next to him, my head lying on his shoulder, his head on mine. We both struggle to catch our breath, our bodies slick with sweat, both of us heaving from exhaustion.

“I’m glad your boyfriend dumped you.” His voice croaks out, slightly hoarse.

I can’t help the chuckle that leaves my lips as I pat his chest, “You and me both. He could never fuck me as good as you just did.”

—

a/n : okay, sorry, i actually hate this :((( i feel i drifted from the request but i didn’t know how to bring it back without rewriting it and i just didn’t have it in me. so sorry, i hope you still enjoy it! <3

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fluidthoughts · 1 year

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König general/random headcanons

This is my first time literally ever doing this, so if it sucks I'm really sorry. This also took me freaking forever to put together cause my brains a mess, and even now I'm feeling like it isn't finished, even though it'd already SO LONG IM SORRY LOL. But it'll do for now. I'm also thinking about making a separate post for relationship and NSFW headcanons soon. I just uh. Haven't begun to really jot those thoughts down yet, eheh.

- despite his incredibly large size, if he doesn't want to be seen or noticed, he won't be. A good part of it due to his anxiety that brings a strong desire to avoid being the center of attention. Soft silent footsteps, slinking himself right into the most unnoticed parts of a place, encompassed in the shadows until by some chance, you catch a glimmer of those intense, unwavering, piercing eyes.

- those damn eyes, always scanning, observing, calculating. Staring right through your very soul. It'd be absolutely frightening if it weren't for his inability to not fidget slightly as he stared.

- not a man of many words either. Mostly made up of silent nods and gestures. Chit chat doesn't come easily to someone like him, so when he does speak, he speaks honest and direct. At times taken by others as too blunt or abrasive, contrary to his intentions.

- and of course once he's set loose on the battlefield, that quiet unnerving focus he exudes changes into something entirely different. Something *terrifying*. The embodiment of primal power, pure adrenaline, and even what may be a grotesque sense of humor and pleasure as he tears his way through the enemy

- part of it could be due to this sense of despair in his fellow man, maybe even humankind he feels. He knows too well of the evils that exist in this world, (and maybe the next he fears, for he is just as washed in blood)

- he admires his team a lot though, for their lack of judgement with him, and how they all work together so well, makes him appreciate their dynamics such as he appreciates pack animals in the wild.

- he deeply adores and respects nature and animals. And being the giant muscled athlete he is, lots of outdoor activities are very much to his liking. Hiking, rafting, climbing, etc. When in nature, he feels envy for the innocence and beauty he sees around him. As well as feeling a sense of relatability to the primal instincts and violence and death.

- because of the bullying he endured throughout his life, and because of his size, he would get into fights. A lot. To this day, it still happens actually. Usually ending up in bar fights. As much as he tries to keep himself from it, the habit is there, and he's never one to let rowdy douches in the bars get away with their nasty jabs and comments. He's also been known to get into some of these fights defending someone else. Can't stand to see bullying happen in front of him. But there's also this part of him that thinks he still goes out and gets into these fights because maybe deep down he enjoys it.

- can play the mouth harp. No I will not elaborate. Other than his deep love for music and desire to play instruments, but he always had a hard time being able to focus his hands. Often thought to himself his hands were only good for killing. Turns out he had a knack for the mouth harp though.

- I wouldn't go as far to say he's a religious or overly spiritual man, but he's very enthralled by things like old folklore, tales and stories of things in the wilderness that are best left unknown to man. Hes definitely experienced some things himself that he cant quite explain. One could say it's the cause of his respect and carefulness for the wild parts of the world around him. One could also say its just superstition. He's also very into learning about and hearing stories about such legends of other places, the countries his teammates are from, locals when he's traveling in an unfamiliar place, etc.

- if he is comfortable enough, like he is with his team, he's witty and snarky as fuck. He loves to banter and tell dry jokes and just being a little menace overall. Especially if he's enjoying some drinks and feeling loosened up.

- he has a soft side, and deep down is even a hopeless romantic, but even in his own mind, he's more monster than man. His gentleness is buried deep, except for his interactions with animals. He has always wanted a pet of his own, but knows with his way of life, it wouldn't be for the best. And something like a relationship, he doesn't even get any hopes up for.

- is also a bit of a pyromaniac.

- also a very prideful man. Which makes him competitive, and all the more reluctant to really open himself up. He hates feeling like anyone might be pitying him, and is forever in a mindset of proving himself, pushing himself, and becoming more and more stoic. The type to be most adamant about refusing help from someone.

- he's got an insanely quick wit, but also just incredibly smart and able to learn and pick up on things almost immediately. He's especially handy with things that are of the "take apart and put back together" variety. Hence why he was always fond of firearms.

- he knows women notice him, he notices them too. He knows he's attractive as well. But ever since a cruel joke played on him in his teen years, he finds it all the more difficult to trust women in any sort of romantic or intimate way. "Brawls with other men at least bring total honesty with them" he thinks. And all the better to keep him less distracted from work anyways, right?

- Roze basically forced him (and the whole squad) to learn how to braid to help her and Calisto before missions. König's actually pretty good at it too for it being a hand based task.

#könig #hes kind of sad #and messed up inside #könig imagine #könig headcanons #cod headcanons #mw2 headcanons #deff want to start some könig x reader type stuff soon #könig call of duty #if its giving you i can fix him vibes im on the right track lol #angst angst angst angst

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kingusukaras · 9 months

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some (mildly disjointed) thoughts i had about the translation of most recent leona overblot scene from the second twst novel. unsaid disclaimer is obvi these are just my thoughts and youre free to disagree. i cant stop you

read more because i might ramble a bit 💆🏾‍♀️

i'll start by saying that i'm very grateful for the novel & yuureis translations, bc its given me so much to chew on wrt leonas psyche and mental state, much more than book 2 in the game did. i havent bothered to go looking for reactions tho, bc i can already kind of predict the takes i'll find (knowing how parts of the fandom talks abt leona generally) - and i do "get" it, in the sense that i do also feel the way he tortures ruggie before he overblots is upsetting - but theres so much to dig into here, i feel like its such a waste to get hung up on obsessively moralizing

(i'll mention here that to formulate these thoughts i'm also pulling from the translation of leona's post-overblot scene, plus some moments from the game that i'll mention specifically as i go)

for example, the things leona says pre-overblot, his meltdown about dreams being stupid and useless, how the savanaclaw students (ruggie included) aren't meant to question him; they're meant to obey quietly, sound less like actual things he's trying to tell them and more like him lashing out at himself. as in, he's more talking at them, not to them. skipping forward to book 6: there we see leona give jamil advice, but the implication underneath is that everything he's telling jamil are things leona wishes he had internalized himself - again here, he's talking to someone, but really it's also directed inwards. almost like it's easier for him to look at (and speak about) himself critically when he can externalize it as critique of other people

the other thing im curious about is the distant, detached persona he adopts when he's truly angry. this'll be quick because i don't feel i have enough information to unpack it properly, but if i allow myself to spin thoughts out from limited information: it could almost be a habit he picked up as a child - something he might've forced himself to learn as part of an effort to be seen as more of a 'model' prince. if people were afraid of his moodiness because they feared what his UM (he) could do, then if he swallows those emotions maybe he can mitigate that. this, ofc, being shot through with the expectation that, as royalty, any order he gives people will obey

the final thing, for this post at least, is unpacking the way leona lashes out at ruggie when ruggie defies him. i'm willing to make the very safe bet that most of the reading of this moment is focused on leona being angry over being defied at all, or general disgust at how small and weak ruggie is (appears) to be. and while i think both of those points have some element of truth to them, i think the larger aspect of leonas reaction is jealousy. ruggie somehow, despite everything, despite all of the disadvantages life has thrown at him, still has the courage to have determination. and i want to be very clear here: this is not me saying being poor or struggling is admirable because it makes you strong - i'm not naive and i'm not here to romanticize poverty. what i am trying to say here ruggie's tenacity - a tenacity his life circumstances developed in him - is something that leona lacks, and that's what he's jealous of. he's jealous of his inability to keep having that hope, to maintain that courage in the face of his own repeated failures

(an aside: isn't it ironic that part of the reason ruggie has that tenacity is leona? leonas tutoring, leonas effective leadership of the spelldrive club, and as housewarden?)

(an aside 2x: in many ways, 'giving up' can be seen as a luxury. ruggie does not have the luxury to give up, because it could very well mean that he doesn't eat that day. for leona, regardless of what he does he's going to have a roof over his head and three square meals a day anyway, so what does it matter if he gives up? sure, he won't be happy, but he'll be comfortable in a material sense, and isn't that enough? except, of course, it isn't - not for him. as much as he tries to deny it, he's as fiercely ambitious as the rest of his dorm)

#king's meta #twisted wonderland #twst leona #leona kingscholar #disney twisted wonderland #every new translation post gives me so much more to mull over i love it #thank you yuurei

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orchid-purple · 1 year

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Honestly the thing that makes Occeus and Jentha such wonderful autism representation is that the creators are not afraid to get into the horrible experiences and disadvantages that come with the condition.

For Occeus, he spends most of the comic feeling defective and like a horrible person because of his inability to understand the people around him. This severely negatively impacts his relationships, even with his girlfriend that he loves to death, because he doesn’t know how to communicate and he is painfully aware of all his failings while he continues to struggle. On top of that, other members of the cast are not kind to him because of his flaws in communication, even if they don’t fully understand what he’s dealing with, it doesn’t do him any favours.

[Image: Occeus speaking in a text confession to his girlfriend. Saying: “I’ve always felt like something was different about me. Our society is built on these strict expectations of strong feelings of mutual understanding of what we can do for others. Or what others can do for you. But I don’t understand other people, and other people don’t understand me either. So what do I have besides the capacity to work?”]

[Image: Albion criticising Occeus for his failures in communication, particularly with his girlfriend, through a video call.]

For Jentha, she grew up isolated, suppressed and rejected because the adults who were meant to care for her couldn’t handle her needs and thus never taught her how to do so either. And thus, she continues to live in fear, resentment and self-isolation in the present day because she’s terrified of the outside world and how vulnerable she has become. Mainly due to those adults eventually suppressing her power and teaching it out of her in order to make her more palatable to them and other neurotypical people, to the vast detriment of herself.

[Image: Jentha in her dimly lit bedroom surrounded by toys, being told via video call that she has no school today by her principal.]

[Image: Jentha lying in a dirty room surrounded by toys, slowly starving alone because nobody is there to care for her.]

I love a lot of autism representation but not a lot of it ever dives as deep into how detrimental it can be to a person, both from themselves and because of outside treatment, and that honestly means so much to me as a person reading that in my favourite comic. These characters reached into my soul and made me relate harder than I ever have to any other character, I love them so much.

#vast error #occeus coliad #jentha briati #autism #being autistic #autistic characters #autism things #actual autistic

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csprslvt · 5 months

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teachers aide pt.6

Summary: Abby supports and comforts reader in her mistakes and reader has never felt more loved WARNINGS: relationship trauma implied, reader is bpd coded (real af) and hates herself, but abby loves her.

Abby was the first person you went to. And when she pulled your shaking body into her strong embrace you couldn't help but to feel like you didn't deserve it. Like you were such a fuck up, like you would never deserve love, Ellie’s especially.

Eventually you calmed down enough to speak, after Abby consistently held you, telling you to not be sorry, to please just breathe, that everything was okay.

“You gonna tell me what's going on? Hm?” She spoke softly as if speaking to a wounded animal or a feral stray.

You shook your head, sitting across from her on her daybed, legs touching, enough distance to feel safe but enough touch to feel grounded.

“Im just such a fuck up.”

Abby's eyebrows furrowed in concern, “Why would you say that?”

“I kissed Ellie.”

“Oh.”

“Yea”

The aura in the room was uncomfortable and strained, had you ruined another friendship yet again? With such simple words?

“And you regret it?”

You snapped your head up at Abby, you hadn't expected those words.

“No? Yes? I don't know. I'm confused.``

“No you aren't.” Abby said sternly

“What?”

“You act dumb as if you're just confused about your feelings but you knew Ellie liked you, you knew she wanted you and you didn't reject her. A part of you,,, as much as I hate to admit it, wants her too.”

You looked at her blankly, her brutal honesty was not anticipated.

“And you know how I feel. I don't even have to say it.”

“Yea. Yes I do” you responded.

“So what do you want y/n? To mend things with Ellie? To lose her and forget? I see how you care for her, I see how you look at her. And I see how you look at me.” Abby said sternly, emphasis on her words.

“Do you want me?” She said, nervousness lacing her speech.

“Abby you treat me so well, like you understand, you think I deserve to be loved”

“You do deserve to be loved”

“Then why is it so hard for me to feel that way?”

“Is there something that's happened in the past? Someone who made you feel unworthy?”

For a minute, you wanted to lie, tell her no it's always been this way. But your track record wasn't great, every relationship you self destructed, every relationship you felt like a failure, a monster, unloveable.

“I guess so”

“Y/n, you never open up. You let me talk about my life, my family… my dad and you have never let me listen to the real problems I know you have.”

You tensed, it felt like an attack on your vulnerability or rather your inability to feel vulnerable, your fears.

“But you never lean on me, you never let me help you” Abby reached forward, holding your hands in her own calloused ones. “Never let me know you.” She spoke softly, rubbing your knuckles to sooth you. “ Never let me love you.”

You cringed.

“Please don't say that you do.”

“But I do.” Abby's expression was fearful, yet hopeful. “And I'm not the only one”

“I ruin everything.” You mumbled, jaw tense and eyebrows bunched together, it broke Abby's heart to see you so lost. “Everything I do, everyone I touch, everyone I let touch me.”

“I want so badly to just be normal. To be kind, soft, loving, to be loved. But I failed. I failed Ellie, I failed you, I failed myself especially.”

“You've never failed me.”

“But I have.”

“No, you don't get to decide how I feel or what I want or how to protect me. Pushing me away isn't going to help me, it won't protect me.”

“It's better than hurting you with my inadequacy.”

Eye contact at this point wasn't being maintained, It was too painful. Still Abby let go of your hands and moved to hold your face instead, her grasp was gentle, soft, loving. Everything you wanted to be Abby embodied.

“People who love each other, sometimes hurt each other.” Her words were the cooling ointment after the chemical burn, the ice pack on your very bruised heart and soul. “They don't want to, but people make mistakes. They hurt each other but they love enough to talk through it, to keep going.” Abby stroked your cheek, this close she smelt of pine and wood. “They don't give up on eachother. And I won't give up on you.”

Fuck,

Dont cry

Dont cry.

“I know you have a lot to do about Ellie. But I won't force you to do some stupid immature bullshit like pick between me or her. Whatever way you want me, need me I’ll remain. If you need a friend I'm here, I always will be. Even if I want to love you, I can't force you to let me in. I won't do that to you.”

If you weren't already falling for Abby, you certainly were now. How could you not with the way she speaks to you?

In the moment you hadn't realized the fat teardrops dripping down your flushed cheeks until Abby wiped them away. You didn't want to cry, you hated crying but it was an unstoppable salty stream. It wouldn't seem to go away. The concern in Abby's blue eyes grew and she looked at you like you mattered. Like you meant something.

“Thank you.” You wish you had it in you to say more, to show her your gratitude but her words took away all ability to speak.

Abby truly, honestly wanted to love you, wanted to know you. It was now your choice to let her.

“I think I need to get help.” You mumbled,Abby still caressing your face, wiping away the remnants of tears. She cracked a smile.

“There is nothing wrong with that. I went to grief counseling for a long time after my dad passed.”

“Well I dunno about going to therapy…”

“Y/n.”

“No I just mean like, I need to help myself, allow myself to feel and be loved…and I need to have a long conversation with Ellie.”

“Yea, very much so”

“Oh shut up” You said jokingly, a smile finally gracing your features again, Abby's heart melted. Here you were, tears stained in her arms, yet you still smiled.

The rest of the day you spent in Abby's dorm, you followed her to the gym and cafe, all successfully without being seen by Ellie. And for the first time in a long time, you felt loved.

Ellie on the other hand, she wasn't doing so hot. Promptly after kicking you out of her dorm her soft spot for you became her weakness. She was angry, so angry but she also hated to hurt you. She hated to love you. She made a mess of her dorm, thank god she didn't have a roommate courtesy of joel. And when she was done raging and realized what a mess she made she began to regret her actions, still she didn't admit it. She didn't want to be the first to apologize but she didn't want to lose you. It had been almost a year of her pining over you, of her having you as support and her best friend. She would miss you, she already missed you. She cleaned up her dorm and laid on her bed sheets, they still smelt of you. God, she had to wash them.

Notes:

Hello my readers! I have once again, been inconsistent in my updates I am so sorry, and the chapter was short. SO much has happened recently and it's hard to keep up, but I love writing and bringing you this story. Thank you all for your support. BUT I need suggestions on who reader ends up with, I'm still very conflicted. Please comment opinions and thoughts! Have an amazing day/night!

#ellie x reader #gaming #fem reader #the last of us 2 #ellie williams #eventual smut #angst #abby x reader #abby anderson #ellie tlou2

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