#sometimes i watch s2 just to feel something | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

unbearableblog · 4 months

Text

My Christmas gift for you.

Messages (Carmen Berzatto x reader)

Summary Carmy’s actions towards the reader might eventually lead to consequences.

Word count ~2,8k

Warnings 18+, No use of Y/N (there is rarely a name but it’s just for aesthetics, you are welcome to insert your own name), action set in S2 so possible spoilers, cursing, angst, relationship problems, possible mentions of smut

A/N God this took a lot from me! Legit flew to Copenhagen haha. I am very grateful to each and every one of you who read, liked, commented or reposted and supported this! I would never think that this would happen. I hope you’re not going to crucify me over the plot. Thank you so much for waiting!

Merry Christmas everyone!

Chapter 1 (the one with departure, Denmark, and desserts)

Things were a little different at the Beef lately.

“Richie, shut the fuck up!”

“You first, child!”

Well, maybe not so different. But they certainly were different with you. Amongst the neverending screaming, cursing, and fighting, you somehow survived getting shot at, losing the power, dealing with the IRS, and everything else that constantly went wrong with this cursed place. The amount of experience you had in this short amount of time has topped anything you've done before. You couldn't catch your breath. But that's what you do for the ones you love, right?

It's been some time since you started helping Carmen with the Beef - serving the customers on a particularly busy day, calming down Carmen, sometimes giving Richie a pep talk when he needed to keep his shit together. But mostly you just chatted with Sydney and sat in the kitchen, doing your college assignments while watching Carmen work. You could never get tired of it - he looked so professional and smart. It was his element. Well, when everything was going well.

The entire time, you were there, talking to Carmen as he prepped for the day, giving him a smile and getting one back, just watching him go on about his day and move so swiftly like a well-oiled machine. Seeing him in an apron drove you wild. You'd have to stop yourself from going up to him and touching his god-given curls or rubbing his back through his white T-shirt (but more often you failed to do so). Most of the days you patiently waited to go home and show him everything that was on your mind all day.

One time he caught you staring, mind far away from the Beef. His voice brought you back.

“Are you thinking about my fingers again?” He said while putting his arms at his hips, almost offended.

You bit your lip and looked at him with a guilty smile.

His hand went up to brush through his curls.

“You’re not gonna get any work done if you keep thinking about that. And with the way you look at me, can say the same thing about myself.”

You whine and playfully pout, not wanting to keep studying.

“Come on, princess,” he comes closer to you and whispers in your ear so that his whole voice goes through your body and his lips brush your ear “And when we get home you can tell me all about it while you sit on my ‘pretty’ cock”

Sometimes he would explain what he was doing or why things weren't going the way they were supposed to, sometimes you would share something you found fascinating in your assignment. He would always listen, even if he didn't fully understand, but you knew he was trying to. It made you feel so special - you got the whole attention of this hot 3 Michelin star chef, covered in tattoos and buff, but he looked at you with such care and softness. His muscular arms touched and wrapped around you with strong tenderness and appreciation. Sometimes you saw the same attention to the details in the food he was making - he really cared.

Everything changed after the Beef closed down.

Carmen was a little taken aback when you told him you were going to Copenhagen with Marcus. You were at the restaurant, like any other day, figuring out a thousand things that were wrong before the opening, when you heard Denmark being mentioned amongst the guys.

“Someone's going to Denmark?” you asked, turning around on your chair.

“Marcus is,” Carmen brushed off, and continued having his conversation with him.

“Wait, to Copenhagen? Why?” you felt ignored.

“Uhh, to learn everything about desserts,” Marcus answered. Carmen didn't even look in your direction.

“When? Why didn't you tell me?” you sounded excited because you were, but your heart felt like it was placed into an iron cage. Carmen knew how much that city meant to you, and to not even mention that your friend was going there felt neglectful. But maybe you were overreacting - he was probably busy, he doesn't have to tell you everything, and it surely wasn't for long anyway.

Berzatto shrugged his shoulders. “Why? It's just for some time.”

“I was actually thinking about going there too. I haven't seen my sister in a while. Maybe we could fly together? I know everything there,” you were ready to help Marcus as a bonus. You really appreciated him as a friend, and returning the favor for all those delicious pastries he made at your request would be terrific. You could also use a fucking break from Chiberia.

“For real? That would be awesome!” Marcus exclaimed with his arms, his smile releasing your heart from its prison.

“Uhh… yeah-yeah, sure, I guess,” Carmen squinted his eyes and rubbed his forehead. “I- uhhh, have to go out for a minute. Umm,” he swallowed “-meet that rep for me, yeah?”

An entire work shift of flying has gone by the time you started seeing the bronze-roofed houses sprinkled like decorations on a Red Velvet cake. You made Marcus promise you not to judge the country by its airport, as it usually was surprisingly dirty. Nevertheless, there were hints of what life there was like - a burst of energy, culture, and flavour. You walked what seemed like forever through the endless white halls with blue sections, wondering how many times Carmen had been here and whether you ever crossed paths. You kind of wished he was there. Your excitement rubbed off on your friend - Marcus was beaming with happiness, anticipating your time there. He knew it was going to be life-changing.

The moment you went outside felt like you could breathe again. The weight of The Beef, Carmen, stress, problems problems problems dropped off, was left behind, and never got on the plane. Your chest wasn't encircled by snakes that only pushed until you suffocated. Your mind was clear.

You helped Marcus settle in his awesome boat, and after reading the owner's note to "keep the water in Coco's bowl", searched for the cat for like 20 minutes. Unfortunately, your efforts were fruitless.

Marcus only let you go back alone because you assured him of your safety (you gave him a speech about how it wasn't like Chicago) and experience. Still, he made you text him when you got to your sister's. The two of you were always trying to make your relationship work, but the distance didn't make it easy. That did not mean that you were going to give up - you were used to making a lot of effort for the people you love. She was ecstatic and grateful to see her little sister. The rest of the evening was spent eating, sharing your lives, and talking about your mysterious boyfriend.

“I don’t know, he’s just so… distant. He always leaves somewhere, does god knows what when he knows we don’t have much time! Sometimes it feels like I care about the restaurant more than him. Which is so weird because he was so into it before! He planned the whole thing! And I am so fucking stressed from it all! I never even wanted to work in a restaurant but I was there for him!” you expressed your pain very loudly.

“Have you thought of… breaking up with him?”

You exhale and almost completely give up mentally.

“I don’t know… it feels like we don’t have much of a relationship at all anymore. We don’t go out, all the time is spent on the opening. I swear sometimes I’m there just for our friends and his sister, I can’t just leave them without help while he’s wandering somewhere”.

You couldn’t sleep because being in bed without Carmy by your side felt plain wrong. You were also jetlagged which meant that the peaceful world of Morpheus was avoiding you like a plague. The same thing happened to Marcus, so you both were just texting about what you were doing.

“idk, i gave up and went to get some tea” you typed, a warm mug in your hand as you cozied up on the couch with a blanket.

“yeah, same shit here. bout time to get ready anyway”

Your whole house was asleep, and probably would be so for a while. It was too dark to go out for your liking. Boredom kind of crept in.

“what is it exactly u're gonna do there?”

“uhhh i wish i knew. make some things from the pics i showed u i guess”

“can i watch?” Was it too much of a request? Who even knows if you'll be allowed there?

“yeah i think so. i'd love to not have to do this alone”

You smile, finish your tea, and get up to find some clothes.

You finally reached the place and were met by a tall man in an apron. He introduced himself as Luca, and you heard a very sultry voice softened by an accent. You wondered where he was from.

“I'm Chef Marcus. That's Liv. Is it cool if she just hangs around and watches me?”

“Hi,” you smile at him.

“Hello. You could also join in. What kind of a chef are you?”

“Oh I'm not, I'm -”

“Well, with the amount of time Liv spends in our kitchen listening to every word of the CDC, I'd say she might as well be a chef by now,” Marcus only half-jokes. You give him a look anyway.

Luca prepared everything and soon he and Marcus were working. You were sitting on the other side of the table, able to see everything. Only now you were starting to notice how strong he was, you have to be, you thought, if you stay on your feet all day. His arms were also covered in tattoos that didn't seem to make sense, like Carmy's.

“So who are you?” Luca's question doesn't sound rude, just curious.

“I'm his boss' girlfriend,” you nod as you speak.

“Wow,” he seems to be thinking something, but maybe it's just him being focused on putting the peanuts on dessert, “What are you doing here?”

“Uhh, visiting my sister? It was time and I thought Marcus here could use someone to show him around. As for here, I was really jetlagged and bored.”

Luca was amazing. The way he coached Marcus even when he made mistakes was consistently calm, stern, and leading. Not once did any of you feel berated or hear his voice go louder, all you knew was to just try again. His entire presence excreted stability and equilibrium.

After an extensive lesson, it was Marcus' turn to try. All of you leaned closer to the dessert in hopes of seeing more. You held your breath as you watched Marcus carefully place a tiny piece in the clockwise direction of the dessert when in the blurred background of your vision you felt something change. Instinctively, you looked up from the dish, and your eyes met the gaze of your friend's teacher. There he was, almost lying on the table, looking at you. As if he wasn't busy right now. As if the dessert didn't matter. Hypnotized. “Got it!” Marcus smiled and stood straight up. “Great job, chef,” Luca switched back to Marcus.

Suddenly a firework of spice embraced you in its scent, making your head go round from the all-encompassing desire to taste it.

“Oh my god, are those cinnamon buns?” you had to put your hands on the counter to keep yourself up. “Yeah,” Luca stood straight. “You like them?” “They smell amazing!” you could swear you saw a quick prideful smile brush Luca's lips.

“They are her favourite. And she's very specific about'em too,” Marcus threw you under the bus.

Luca seems interested. “In what way?”

“I'm not, okay? I just believe that cinnamon buns should have a lot of sugar and cinnamon, or else they're just buns. There was this place near the park, and the pastry they sold was like 90% dough. I didn't like that at all” you defend yourself, and Marcus scoffs, having heard you rant about it many times at The Beef.

“Abomination,” Luca shakes his head.

“Exactly! I love it when there is so much sugar that it's oozing out, that's how it'd supposed to be.”

Your lighthearted banter somehow led to Luca opening up and talking about his life and experience. He also shared a couple of stories about determination, his acceptance of not being the best, and some of his failures. Soon all of you were joking around and laughing at your pasts. You felt your heart warm up to him and thought that leaving the house was a good idea.

Marcus stepped outside to check on his mom. He called her sitter as often as he could, and every time you hoped that everything would be alright. Luca was silently doing his work, kneading some dough. It was a demanding process, but so meditative, and you couldn't help but float away watching his big hands grab and squeeze the smooth dough, throwing it back onto the table occasionally, his long fingers dug into it, leaving an impression. “So where is he now?” you ask. “Who?” “The chef who was better than you. Where is he now?” you wondered if Carmen knew him or told you about him. “Well, you tell me. Apparently, opening up a new restaurant,” the chef said, as he threw a careless nod in your direction. Huh? Your heart drops. What? You let out a nervous scoff. “You're saying it was… Carmen??” Your question was met with a simple nod as he kept working. “Carmen Berzatto, the chef that was better than you at everything?” you almost spell out. Luca just takes his eyes off the dough and watches your reaction. He is also confused. “God, he really is the best?” the question sounds more like an exhale. “People keep saying it, but I guess I didn't realize” you sit down, defeated, and stare off. Your mind keeps pacing - what happened to Carmen? How did he go from being the best to being a yelling mess of chaos? Why is someone who looked up to him so calm and collected but still successful? Why can't he be like that? “You sound surprised. What, he doesn't feel like it?” He asks while kneading the dough, this time slower and a little softer. You look at him, then shake your head away and look down. You want to tell him everything about the way Carmen treats you, and how different that is from what your beginning used to be, how he doesn't appreciate you even though you spent so much time in and on The Beef, and how unfair that is, and have his deep voice tell you the answer, but you can't. That would be weird. Luca notices your hesitation. “You know, when we worked together, he would often be… difficult,” there is a pause after he says it because he is reading your face, trying to understand if he's walking on thin ice. He isn't, so he continues. “Partly why I didn't become better than him was because he wouldn't let me.” “Yeah, he shared something like that.” His brows went a little higher, and his grip on the dough hardened and stayed there. “My point is, being with a person like that can't be easy. Man, we only worked together and I already wanted to smother him, can't imagine being in a bloody relationship,” his smile makes you laugh and for a second you forget every bad thing in the world.

Later that day you wanted to call Carmen. “Carm, you free?” You wished to tell him everything - how much you loved the city, how nice his friend was, the fun you were having, and how good this was for you. Kinda wanted to beat his ass for being so mean to Luca too. “not rn, Liv, busy”

Of course.

“Olivia! Come here!” your sister screamed to get your attention. You noticed she was standing at the door, talking to somebody, so you got up and approached her. “What's up?” you asked. She closed the door and turned to you, holding something in her hands. “It's a gift from your boyfriend,” she said in a teasing tone, and you could swear that the last time you saw her that giddy was in high school. “What? How do you know?” A drop of hope celebrated its birth in your chest. “The delivery guy said it's from a chef,” the last word she playfully stretched out, so it came out a little funny, like Tina says it. You couldn't believe it. There it was, a white box carefully tied with a red ribbon. Finally Carmen realised how distracted he was and decided to apologize. Obviously, you were gone, so he missed you. Your heart filled with warmth and you smiled to yourself - you knew things would get better. You take the hefty precious gift from your sister's hands, sit on the couch, and open it with anticipation. Inside, 9 breathtaking gourmet cinnamon rolls with caramelized sugar barely fitting, leaking out of the mouthwatering, well-kneaded dough. And a note.

"You deserve all the best in the world - Luca"

I hope you enjoyed it! Part 2 might come quicker if you comment how you liked it

Snippet from the next chapters

🏷️ Tagged everyone in the comments! If you want to be excluded, just let me know♥️ @carma-fanficaddict @eternallyvenus @sia2raw @helloheyhihowdyheya @soursopsista @m1dnightsnackz @custarrds

Dividers by @saradika

510 notes · View notes

saerins · 11 months

Text

─── 𝐂𝐑𝐀𝐙𝐘

+ gojo satoru x f!readsr | wc 1.8k | content: fluff, slight angst, manga spoilers, friends to lovers, geto is mentioned a lot here, i’m too lazy to proofread !!

notes: i caved , couldn’t help it , i love him and i miss him and i can’t wait for s2 !!! first time writing gojo plus this is word vomit i don’t actually know where i was going with this help :’)

summary: gojo has loved you forever, since back then—and now neither of you can hold back anymore.

“gojo satoru, you’re insane!”

for any normal guy, that’d probably be an insult. but not for this guy, no, because gojo satoru is not normal. he’s anything but. he’s the pinnacle of power in the jujutsu world. has been ever since he was little.

at least, that’s what you came to understand. thanks to suguru.

it’s as if gojo can sense what you’re thinking of, as though he can teleport himself inside that teeny tiny little crevice in your mind and pick out the information he wants. you’re never safe from him, because he always knows what you’re thinking.

it isn’t exactly a bad thing, but sometimes it scares you. being easy to read has never felt so disappointing. not for yourself, no. but because what upsets you, what you try not to think about all the time, is what upsets gojo too.

suguru’s death. his absence.

you wonder if gojo ever took suguru here too, teleported him to the top of the highest skyscraper in tokyo. you wonder if suguru liked the view. then you start to wonder if you could’ve been more for him, whether there was something you could’ve done to be enough.

it’s been a couple years now, and you’d think you would get a little better. but you’re starting to think you never will be. and it’s not like you and suguru were together, no. but you used to dream of it.

you see, you and suguru connected on many of the same levels. but then suguru strayed, and it seemed like the boy you once had eyes for became someone else entirely.

“why the long face?” gojo asks, settling next to you, sitting on the edge of the building where he teleported you to just seconds ago, legs dangling over impending death if any were to fall. well, as long as they didn’t have gojo satoru with them.

old you would’ve seen this as an intrusion. but as it is, gojo has always been there for you. maybe not for selfless reasons, maybe because suguru’s departure didn’t just leave you with a deep scar. you imagine it must be much worse for gojo. because as invincible as he is, even the strongest sorcerer has his weaknesses.

suguru happened to be one of them.

maybe, as much as you need him, maybe gojo satoru needs you too.

he’s been unbearably close most of the time, especially when he’s in the country. and when he’s not, he annoys you consistently over the phone whenever he’s free. and even when he’s not, and then you’re talking to gojo while the monsters are wailing in the background.

gojo’s not very serious most of the time. that’s just the way he is. (he gets very scary when he is serious, but you don’t want to get into that.) mostly he makes jokes about anything and everything, but right now—you turn to look at him, beautiful oceanic eyes hidden by that blindfold—you don’t know which version you’re going to get.

over the years, you’d gotten close to gojo too. enough to know his sweet tooth, enough to know his deep guilt towards suguru. and somehow, after the longest time of only looking at suguru that way, you find yourself questioning what this invisible something between you and gojo is.

not his infinity.

“you ever wonder what life would be like if you weren’t born for this?” you ask, because lately you’ve been feeling this way, feeling like you want to run away from here, run away from this… world.

for a moment, you wish you could be a normal citizen, ignorant to the woes of having to deal with curses, with the woes of having to watch people you know leave this plane far too soon.

you feel gojo’s finger brushing against yours, something that always catches you off guard because he rarely lets his infinity down. your pinkies are intertwined now, and you feel the butterflies forming in your stomach.

“you mean if i didn’t have the six eyes?” gojo grins, and you find yourself wanting to see beyond his blindfold. he rarely takes it down, and you can’t remember the last time you’d seen his eyes.

but you control yourself.

a nod, and gojo hums, contemplating. “if i was a normal guy,” he begins, looking heavenward, and you wonder what he’s really thinking. you don’t have his talent. “i’d hope i was rich.”

you laugh, mirroring his position. “and why would you wanna be rich?”

then, gojo turns back to you, his grin turning into a gentle smile, “so that i could escape with you, take you all around the world with me.”

you find yourself wishing it was true. that he’s a normal guy, and you’re a normal girl. hell, maybe suguru would still be around if it was that way. then you wouldn’t have to spend your time worrying about whether curses would take over the city, wouldn’t go to bed wondering if gojo made it safely back home.

gojo satoru is the strongest sorcerer, yes. but you can’t stop the worries from festering. you can’t stop from thinking that maybe there’s an evil in this world you haven’t seen that’s strong enough to take him away from you too.

after all, when they managed to seal gojo in that box, you thought you’d never see him again. you’ve never felt so powerless, being as weak of a sorcerer as you are, barely being able to help anyone, what more gojo satoru.

“going on an eternal holiday with you all over the world, huh? sounds perfect.”

because it is. because maybe after all this time, after all gojo has done for you—be there for you, become your distraction, become your best friend—maybe you’re ready to let go of what you almost had with suguru after all.

you have someone here, right next to you, who’s perfectly capable of making your heart skip beats and taking care of you even during the times you most feel like shit. sure, he can’t be around all the time, it just comes with the job—but he’s always there when it matters. and you think that’s enough.

gojo thinks you’re beautiful in this light, he doesn’t regret bringing you here. can’t say the same for you though, because he’s been teleporting you all around japan today—you’ve been especially mopey lately. and because it’s been ages since he’s spent time like this with you.

he missed you. a lot.

after all, he’s been in love with you ever since he was eighteen. he’s been attracted to you ever since he met you. but back then you had eyes for his best friend, so he bottled all his feelings up.

but then everything with suguru happened way too fast, leaving you heartbroken, apart from gojo himself. and maybe it was selfish of him but you were the only other person he could throw himself on that would be of any use for the heartache he didn’t want.

he wanted you to lean on him, and he wanted to lean on you too.

is he wrong for wondering if, after all this time, you’re ready to let go of whatever it was with suguru?

“satoru,” you call, and gojo flinches slightly at the contact between your fingers and his cheek. you have two fingers on his blindfold. “can i?”

honestly, he’d let you do anything if you asked. he keeps his happy-go-lucky facade up, grinning and baring his teeth, “go ahead.”

the way you take off his blindfold is painfully slow, like you’re careful about treading on this line, afraid that you’d cross some sort of boundary. but he’s always wanted you to, eagerly, patiently waiting for you.

it’s been over ten years now, and his feelings for you are still the way they’ve always been. you’ve always been special, you are.

you tie his blindfold around your wrist; you can keep it for all he cares. he wants to give you his shirts too, wants to see you covered in everything that’s his. is that too much?

his white lashes flutter slowly as you lean in, his breathing getting shallower the closer you are—you can feel his breath against your lips and you’re sure he’s using his infinity to surround you, to make sure you don’t fall. physically. but you think he wants you to fall, for him.

and you’re too weak to deny it any longer.

you want to let yourself fall into it, into gojo satoru, no matter how dangerous it may be and no matter how much weaker you are in comparison. that’s why your lips press against his, and you’re right, because he kisses you back, with urgency, with his tongue prying your lips apart and his heads on the back of your neck pulling you closer.

satoru pulls you in, lets you straddle him on the edge, asks for more when you pull away. his “no, no, no, don’t go,” so needy, whiny—it’s almost like you can feel his yearning from ever since a decade ago.

when satoru finally lets you pull back, his lips shiny from your touch, the blue in his eyes sparkle against the sunlight and you chuckle, pulling the bangs of his hair backwards, admiring how childlike he looks right now.

“you’re so pretty, satoru.”

he cocks a brow, smirking. “you’re one to talk,” because he thinks you’re the prettiest thing he ever laid eyes on. to gojo, you’re everything that’s good; he wants to have you, keep you, love you, he’ll fucking spoil you silly, he doesn’t care.

now that he knows you reciprocate? he’ll make sure he protects you even more now, makes sure that he’ll make time for you whenever possible. this means he gets to be with you, rest with you, be around you—if he’s being too much you’ll tell him off anyway, that’s how you are.

he likes you the way you are. he always has.

now he gets to love you.

fuck, he’s excited.

“i’m never gonna let you go, you know that?” satoru tells you, grinning, boyish and innocent, because he’s only ever been able to fully let his guard down around you. only you.

it’s infectious; you’re falling. and you like it. it feels like you’re on cloud nine, like you’re floating, like he’s—like he’s fucking carrying you while you’re falling from the top of the skyscraper because he’s still the same gojo satoru who’s cheeky as hell and loves to get under your skin.

you scream and punch him on his chest continuously, not that it hurts him. he’s laughing, that devil. then he teleports you both to the ground instead, still laughing. tears form at the corners of your eyes—you’re pouting, and god you’re so beautiful.

“don’t be scared, baby, i told you i’m never gonna let you go,” he winks and you punch him, hard. he winces this time.

“gojo satoru, you’re fucking insane. i hate you.”

“you’re a horrible liar, baby.”

you are. because you love him. dearly. no matter how infuriating he is sometimes.

you roll your eyes. “you’re lucky i like you, satoru.”

he grins, because yes, he knows. he knows he’s lucky. and he’ll make sure he keeps this luck, forever.

#jjk x reader #gojo satoru x reader #gojo x reader #gojo x you #gojo x y/n #gojo satoru x you #gojo satoru x y/n #jjk fluff #gojo fluff #gojo satoru fluff #૪ aeri’s fics !

983 notes · View notes

carmenberzattosgf · 2 months

Note

(hii its carmyboobear!!)

idk if u have already thought abt this but: calming down carmy from a panic attack?? like when he’s freaking out in s2 I just wanna be there for him so bad ;_; ;_; idk I just wanna take care of him sometimes… also hope ur having a great day!!!

Hi friend!!! Omg I have thought about this. For sake of this blurb, reader is working at the bear! (for pining sake I don’t think they are together in this but it’s always up to your interpretation!)

You arrive at work early. Way earlier than normal. You want to work on a new dish before you’re officially on the clock. Usually, the only other person in the restaurant this early is Carmen. In fact, you see his beat up car as you pull in the back lot.

It’s been over 30 minutes at the restaurant, but no sign of Carmy. His knives are out on his station. He has to be here somewhere.

You walk over to the office; maybe he’s working on paperwork. However, you’re met with a closed door. “Carmy? You in there?” you shout through the door. There’s no answer on the other side, so you open the door to check inside.

Carmy’s sitting back to the wall with his knees to his chest inside. His forehead rests on his knees; he doesn’t see you come in. He didn’t even hear you call out through the door the first time. The thoughts are too loud in his head, everything’s too loud.

“Carmy? Carm, are you okay?” He doesn’t react to your voice. You step closer, kneeling down in front of him, gently resting your hand on his leg. Carmy flinches at the contact, and his head snaps up to look at you. It’s only then you put the pieces together. He’s trembling underneath your hand. His eyes are wide like he’s terrified. Carmy’s panting. His chest rising rapidly under his white t-shirt.

Out of instinct your hands cup his face, forcing him to meet your eyes. His skin burns underneath your palms. “Hey, hey, hey. You’re okay, Carmy.” You speak softly, trying to calm him down. “Did something happen?”

“N-no.” He manages to choke out between pants. He’s hyperventilating. You need to get him to calm down.

“I need you to breathe with me, yeah? Nice and slow.” You take deep slow breathes, and Carmy tries to, but he just can’t slow down his breathing. He’s completely overwhelmed by panic. “Let’s try something else. Can you name five things you can see for me?”

“W-what?”

“What do you see? Can you name five things you can see right now? Just five. I’ll count them for you.”

“U-uhm.” You watch his eyes start to dart around the room. “I—I uh—I see a computer.”

“Good, that’s one. What else?”

“I—I see you.”

You offer him a soft giggle. “That’s two. How about three more things?”

“I see a desk— a chair—“ his breathing is slowing down, but he’s still struggling to catch his breath. “And a pen.”

“Perfect. Now, can you tell me four things you can feel?”

“Uhm.” You can see the thoughts in his brain begin to slow down. “I feel y-your hands on my face. And uh— the ground I’m sitting on.” You rub your thumb gently along his cheek while he speaks, giving him another thing to distract himself from his brain. “I can feel the fabric of my jeans on my palms. And uh— the wall against my back.”

He’s finally starting to calm down, just a little bit. “There we go, Carmy. You’re doing good. What are three things you can hear?”

“The hum of the computer. Uhm. Does the sound of my breathing count?”

“Just anything you can hear. Can you name one more?”

“T-the music you have on in the kitchen.”

“What’s the point of coming in early if I can’t play my tunes?” You joke. A faint smile appears on his lips. His breathing is near normal, but he’s still shaking like a leaf. “Okay, this one might be hard. What’s two things you can smell?” He answers quicker then you expect, barely missing a beat.

“Your perfume. It smells nice.” It’s the first time he’s ever been so close to you for such an extended period of time. You’re still holding his face in your palms. He’s smelling the perfume you dabbed on your wrists before walking out the door this morning. He’s smelled it before, but never so intensely. “And uh— the cup of coffee on the desk.”

“Last thing. One thing you can taste?”

“Cigarette smoke.” You can’t help the belly laugh that leaves your throat. A small laugh leaves his, too. He had already had three cigarettes this morning, and it was barely dawn. The panic attack was going to happen no matter how many he smoked. He was just trying to delay the inevitable.

“I should have expected that one. You feeling better now? At least a little bit?” You finally let go of his face, starting to feel a bit awkward. The trembling in his hands has nearly stopped.

“Much better. Thank you— really thank you. Sorry you had to deal with that. Usually I can stop it— at work at least. Didn’t think anyone else was here.”

“No, don’t apologize. Nothing to be sorry about. Does this happen a lot?”

“Um… you could say that. I’m okay—promise. Just managing it the best I can.”

“If this is managing it, I’m scared to ask what not managing it is like.” There’s a lull between you two. Yeah, his not managing it was much, much worse. “Would you maybe wanna talk about it? Like maybe after work?” You instantly start backtracking, scared of crossing a line. “You don’t have to though! I mean we can just leave it if you want to I—“

“I would love to do that.” He interrupts you before you continue rambling. “Let’s get back to work, yeah? I wanna hear what’s on your playlist.”

#carmen berzatto x reader #carmen berzatto #carmy berzatto x reader #the bear #the bear fanfiction #carmy berzatto

188 notes · View notes

portraitofadyke · 5 months

Text

I think the reason so many Izzy stans struggle to understand the Izzy callout posts is because in their mind, what we are trying to say is that Izzy is a super obvious abuser and Ed is an innocent little victim.

Their dynamic is obviously way more complicated than that. This show is full of immensely layered characters - something that makes it so unique. Ed and Izzy are complicated, too. It would have been easy to make Izzy a power hungry abuser and Ed the obeying, scared victim.

But it's their power dynamic that makes this so interesting and complicated. Ed is clearly the one in power to most people, and yes, he is Izzy's boss and Captain and he holds power over him, too. But Izzy holds the power right back. I saw the comparison of Izzy being a fame hungry manager of a celebrity, (@57flagsofdeath), somebody who just wrings them dry, ignorant of their suffering, and it stuck with me (pls tag the person if you know them). Ed is Blackbeard, history's greatest pirate, and Izzy's just his First mate, his second-in-command.

And Ed is clearly tired of that persona, Izzy sees that he's at the end of his rope, seeing death as his next adventure, and the moment he steps on the Revenge and sees that Stede does things differently, he is estatic.

Another person here did a very good post how both Izzy and Ed are victims of toxic masculinity, and on board of the Revenge, Ed starts shedding his. We know that Ed's been 'more crazy' for a while and Izzy is fed up with him. For Izzy, there is no Blackbeard and Ed, there is just Blackbeard. Happiness, giddines, being open and excited and soft or God forbid, falling in love for an even softer man is not masculine, and it's not worthy of Blackbeard.

Izzy knows Ed is happy with Stede, he admits so in his inner monologue in s6. That's what makes him want to kill Stede even more.

This episode is honestly, along with The Innkeeper, is the only proof I need to prove that the show intends to compare Izzy to Ed's father and Hornigold. Izzy is in clear parallel with Ed's father hurting his mom while Ed just hopelessly watches, just like when Izzy attempts to murder Stede despite Ed calling him off. And what does Ed do to his father? Murders him. That's once again parallel to Ed shooting Izzy in the leg in s2.

Izzy is manipulative and he plays into Ed's Blackbeard persona. He diminishes Ed's needs and happiness to wank off over Blackbeard and his competence and masculinity. I am not saying here that Ed never does anything wrong, or that he never hurts anyone. this relationship, this dynamic is bad for the both of them. But Ed clearly projects his daddy issues on this older pirate who probably showed him the ropes of what it means to be a pirate and then decided to manage his persona and control what's good for Blackbeard, not for Ed. If Ed weren't terrified of Izzy, or his disapproval, at least a little bit, why would he just watch as Izzy fights Stede, despite the tender moment in the bathtub? because Izzy reminds him of his own dad in so many ways he feels hopeless sometimes.

But the time in Stede's presence changed Ed. It showed him things can be done differenly, despite what Izzy and Hornigold and his dad showed him. He can be tender, and soft, and vulnerable and he can be loved for being Ed. When Stede leaves him on the dock, despite being heartbroken, Ed doesn't get violent. Quite the opposite, he sulks in a pillow fort, writes sad songs and sings. Worse, he shows his vulnerable side to the crew. He tells them to call him Ed. Izzy doesn't care for Ed. Ed can die, for all he cares.

Izzy knows how to push his buttons. Yes, Ed is Blackbeard, and all his planning and maiming and violence and smoke and mirrors, but Izzy is always there to whisper in his ear, to remind him that Ed means nothing to people unless he plays Blackbeard.

My point is, Izzy is clearly shown to be abusive, not in the way most people imagine. he doesn't beat Ed, instead he constantly undermines him, threatens him, does anything he can to deny him happiness. He's emotionally abusing Ed, making him feel like he's nothing without Blackbeard, going as far as killing his significant other and selling him out to the Navy.

I think where people get confused is they think Izzy genuinely cares for Ed in S1. He doesn't. It's not until s2, when Ed is at his lowest, so far retracted into the Blackbeard persona the only thing he can do is destroy himself that he realizes what he's done. Izzy has something of a clarity moment. He knows he fucked up. We all have different opinions about Izzy's small redemption, but even the goddamned character you all try to defend knows he fucked up. Izzy knows he's done Ed wrong for years. Izzy knows the power he holds over Ed.

Izzy and Ed are not your typical form of abuse, and Ed is not the perfect victim, and people serioulsy struggle with that to the point of coming up with fairy tales where Izzy is the only Good Guy in the show who didn't deserve to get shot, Ed is bound to be domestically violent and Stede should just die, really. And that's. That's the exact opposite of what the show is telling us, quite clearly. You don't even have to read in between the lines. S2 has been kind to Izzy, made him come to terms with his mistakes, and even grow a bit (even though it was a bit rushed, but again, budget cuts), the least you can do is be happy with his ending where he got to die surrounded by people who will all shed a tear for him and send him off, something s1 Izzy, who was about to be thrown overboard tied to an anchor, would never get. Maybe actually watch the show?

#ofmd meta #ofmd #the izcourse #I'm growing tired of this grandpa #it's not hard to understand that abuse is not always the same and comes in many complicated forms #if you don't get that go back to mcu movies or something

212 notes · View notes

lactoseintolerentswag · 7 months

Text

Rise Characterizations Pt. 5!!!!!

Okay I promised I'd share my Splinter reference notes, so here I am! Also wanna take a moment to thank everyone reblogging the prev. parts. All the tags/notes are so sweet!!! Anyway, here's our one and only Rat Man,

Splinter Character Notes

Language Habits:

Catchphrase: "HOOOOOT SOUP!!!"

Will yell "whoa/oh nelly!" when in a tight spot or stumbling around

Makes puns/dad jokes, and laughs at said jokes to himself

A poor liar, will skirt around the truth until you drop it

Penchant for interrupting people if he's not interested, devout user of "yada, yada", "ah, bup, bup, bup"

Verbalizes his attacks/moves, something his sons pick up on. Could be a habit picked up from his action star days, such moves include: lights off jitsu, and slow motion jitsu

Uses 2010's slang, (i.e. "totes", "chillaxed"), could see him incorrectly using up to date slang to embarrass his boys

In a group refers to his sons as "boys"

One by one will refer to his sons by their designated colors, but will pull out the full name (not nickname) if the situation is serious

Also refers to Donnie as "the funny one"

Personality:

A performer, well he is an actor after all. He knows how to captivate an audience. Splinter likes attention--something that may be connected to his strict childhood with high expectations--but he also performs for his boys. To keep them happy, but most importantly safe. This also means he keeps his true emotions tucked closely to his chest

Jovial. Despite his dark past and heavy responsibility thrust upon him at a young age, Splinter is always laughing. He finds the fun in everything

Secretive. As mentioned before, Splinter tends to keep things close to his chest. Despite this, he's a terrible liar. He'll just avoid the truth until it comes back to bite him in the ass. This makes him sometimes a little emotionally unavailable

Lazy. He always finds the easiest way to do something, and procrastinate on his responsibilities as long as possible

Vain. He's glory seeking for all the proper attention he lost in his youth. So the Lou Jitsu aspect of his life boosted his ego in irreparable ways. He also uses the identity of Lou Jitsu to escape from the idea of being stuck as a rat. Glorifying the past is way to find comfort for him

Adrenaline junkie. Part of that glory-seeking and glorification of the past manifests into him needing adrenaline to feel alive. (i.e. when he steals the tank)

Attentive and empathetic. He can be a little hare-brained when it comes to remembering the details, but he's always very attentive to his sons needs. In flashbacks he's shown to supply them with items needed for their interests (i.e. little Mikey gets art supplies), and always apologizes when he messes up (i.e. the conversation he had with Donnie). This empathy also extends to other people and animals, as he was sympathetic with Cassandra when she was lamenting about the foot clan and was immediately worried about the turtles Draxum had in his lab

Protective. He would sacrifice everything to save his sons, and he does

Miscellaneous:

His tail is Very expressive, and one of the most active parts of his body, so if you want to subtley show emotion I'd focus on that

Has a Lou Jitsu body pillow

Remembers all his stunt double's names

Snores loudly

Talented singer, can sing opera and lived next to a karaoke bar in Japan

The show he watches the most is called "Soapy Treadmill", a Japanese game show where they throw things like scorpions at people who are soapy on treadmills

Has a "do not touch!" cabinet, full of trophies, mystic artifacts, and mementos of his past

I have a List of all the mentioned Lou Jitsu movie names mentioned in S1, but I'm probably gonna wait till the end of my S2 rewatch and post it separately (it's also long too). Will link here!

I'm also gonna add a recommendation here at the end.

This is for the white and non East Asian folks. I'm not as well-versed in East Asian or Japanese culture, but Splinter is a first generation immigrant! He keeps a distance from his heritage because of the trauma of his youth, and the role Lou Jitsu probably also forced him to westernize his identity to make it more palpable to Hollywood. But it would be a disservice to sever parts of his identity, because one is uncomfortable or not knowledgeable in writing it.

For my white folks intimidated by writing a person of color because they want to get it right, research always helps. Research helps with everything!!! writingwithcolor here on tumblr actually has a lot of useful resources, here's their guideline, and a research chart one of their moderators created, which I personally found to be very helpful. I believe their ask box is closed right now, but if you ask questions in the future be nice!!!!

Anyway I'm gonna do April next :)

#rottmnt #rise of the tmnt #rise of the teenage mutant turtles #tmnt #teenage mutant ninja turtles #rottmnt splinter #rottmnt hamato yoshi #character analysis #writing #fanfic #long post #critter talks #rottmnt lou jitsu

397 notes · View notes

genericpuff · 7 months

Note

You should watch Jack vs. Webtoons video on Lore Olympus before it gets wrongfully taken down.

His video pointed out something I wasn’t able to put into words until now. Lore Olympus has a real bad dialect problem. One second the characters are talking like they’re in a Shakespeare play which makes sense, sense they’re gods or what not. The next second you’ll have characters saying shit like “blue balls” “clout chaser” and “you’ve got a young wife with a fat ass”. It probably wouldn’t bother me if certain people talked a certain way like how Hera doesn’t use any slang and how Hermes uses some but all the characters vocabulary are the exact same.

Honestly I can look past the art and it’s inconsistencies but having dialect jump from regal to tiktok facebook slang makes my brain hurt more than glossy lipped Hades and bug eyed Persephone.

I checked it out, it's pretty great haha and yesss this is something that's been discussed before but I haven't really ever made a post about, the dialogue is CONSTANTLY flip-flopping between royal talk and "hello fellow teens" quipping. Sometimes it feels like it's trying to be like Marvel and then other times it feels like it's trying to be Bridgerton. I can think of no better example than all of the "pedigree" talk, it makes me squirm every time I read it because in the modern context of LO, it SCREAMS eugenics. The whole B-grade goddess thing made sense, until they started talking about Persephone like a poodle:

But then you ALSO get INCREDIBLY stiff dialogue that makes it seem like the comic is either being written by AI or Rachel is actually a real life version of Michael Afton post-scoop:

And yes, there is a tinfoil hat theory that LO is being written by bots at this point because I don't know how a single person could write something so tonally confused. That said, I do think the more reasonable explanation is that Rachel is likely copying dialogue from shows and movies she's watching and just tweaking it slightly before slapping it into LO. She's not observing why the dialogue works in the media she likes, she just knows she likes it and slaps it in there without any regard for context, tone of voice, or personality.

And that leads to, as you said, all the characters sounding the exact same, and that metric by which they all sound the same changes all the time. I think at this point the only reason we haven't seen Hera dropping TikTok language is because she hasn't been onscreen long enough for her to get the chance LMAO That said, we've definitely gotten some weird inconsistent dialogue with Hera as well:

(like she's essentially saying the exact same thing across both of these panels but one is being said by an adult and the other is being said by a teenager lmao)

I think the dialogue is definitely one of the most glaring issues with LO, among all of its other problems. It just never feels like it's being written by a human, there are problems with this even as far back as S1 but it's become especially apparent in S2 onwards.

To finish off this ask, here's one of my favorite dialogue mishaps in the entire series, from S1, in which Apollo literally adopts an askew English accent:

#lore olympus critical #lo critical #anti lore olympus #ask me anything #antiloreolympus #ama #anon ama #anon ask me anything

219 notes · View notes

sixstepsaway · 6 months

Note

I don't get why people want to pretend Ed wasn't abusive. Why do people insist on making everything into binaries? Yes, Ed has been a victim of abuse. Yes, he has been abusive. Both things can be true. I love him because I think he's in interesting and I understand where his pain is coming from (even if I think S2 was a missed opportunity in terms of character development). But anyway, thank you for writing about this because maybe some folks genuinely don't recognize abusive trends.

I think it has a lot to do with the fandom culture of only being allowed to like "wholesome" ships.

Look at it this way: when season 1 was airing, Ed and Stede were, in fact, very wholesome. Sure, they had some moments of lesser wholesomeness, but overall they were pretty wholesome and sweet and gentle. They were sweet and finding love in middle age and it was adorable. They had a general stamp of fandom approval that they were, in fact, Wholesome And Good To Ship™.

If you look at other fandoms, you'll see a lot of times there's the Good And Acceptable Ship and then there's the Bad Ship (or ships) and the Bad Ship is always slapped with the "oh that's actually incest!" label when they've, idk, grown up together, or "oh it's abusive!" because one of them one time made a bad joke or something, or "power dynamics!" because one is 27 and one is 25 or one is short and the other is tall or whatever, and yeah sometimes the Bad Ship is actually toxic or whatever (which is not a reason to not ship and enjoy it!), but they're put in neat little boxes: Good and Bad.

And for a lot of people, those boxes keep them safe. Last year, someone who was an Izzy Hands fan got doxxed because...? They liked Izzy Hands and shipped him with... I don't know actually. Ed? Stede? It doesn't matter, all I know is they got doxxed.

The side of fandom that thinks you should only ship the Good Ship are toxic and downright dangerous. It's happened again and again in numerous fandoms and just keeps happening.

So when at the end of s1, Ed turned around and cut Izzy's toe off and fed it to him, I think a lot of people panicked because shit, now Ed was Bad too, and if he's Bad then you can't like him or relate to him or ship him with the Good guy of Stede, so what the fuck do you do?

Obvious answer: Blame Izzy. Izzy's already classed as Bad, so put all the responsibility on Izzy for Ed's darkness and then it's safe to ship Ed and Stede again and no one can call you an abuse apologist or whatever for liking them together.

(To be clear: Shipping says nothing about your real morality. This is very clear for many reasons, one of which is... spend thirty seconds watching fans of the Wholesome Ships dox people and abuse people online lol)

So they spent all this time saying Ed was just scared and lashing out, and now s2 has come along and Ed is... well, abusive, canonically.

And for most of us, that doesn't really matter. We can still enjoy Ed and Stede or Ed and Izzy, we can throw ourselves into fanworks and enjoy the show for the things we like, and we can critique the things we have issues with (my problem is not Ed being written as dark and twisty and having a villain arc, my problem is the show writing it badly, exploring it badly, and then handwaving it, because it's shitty writing) and still really enjoy the vibes we got from the show.

But for people who are scared because they spent all this time saying Izzy fans should kill themselves for liking an abuser, well... now they have a choice: either admit Ed is an abuser and admit that liking a character doesn't dictate your irl morality, nor does it say anything about you aside from what you enjoy in fiction, or excuse away his actions, insist he's just a lil meow meow and continue feeling safe in their little bubble.

In a lot of ways I can't blame people for wanting to duck and cover from it. I mean, look at the shit people get for liking characters who aren't perfect, or talking about the imperfections of characters, or just enjoying complex narratives!

But what genuinely concerns me isn't anything to do with the fiction really, it's when people look at Ed's behavior in 2x01 and 2x02 and go, "Nah he's fine," because oh, honey, no, you are making yourself so vulnerable to real life abuse. That is what worries me, which is why I answered that one ask saying Ed wasn't abusive, it felt important to point out why he is.

Anyway, that's what I think is happening here. I think people are just scared that if they admit their fave has multitudes and isn't a perfect character who never does any wrong, they'll get doxxed and abused and harassed online.

I get that.

#anonymous #ask

161 notes · View notes

attractive-nuisance-esq · 7 months

Text

Ed’s journey this season is going to perfectly mirror addiction and recovery, and I am so fucking here for it. Watching these first three episodes of S2 was like watching a highly dramatized AU of my own descent into rock bottom (except everyone was dressed wayyyyyy cooler than I ever was), so I have a lot of thoughts, reactions, and insights that I want to share with other fans. I’m sure many of us who have struggled with our mental health connected with Ed in these episodes, but I think addiction is the most appropriate lens through which to view him because addicts (more often than people who struggle with other mental illnesses) so wholly destroy their own lives and utterly devastate those of their loved ones. I want to share - from the perspective of someone who has steered her own ship straight into a storm and woke up alone to face some very hard choices - what is going on with Ed at the start of this season and what I think is coming.

Let me start by saying that Ed isn’t literally addicted to any one thing, despite his heavy use of drugs and alcohol, but his goal is the same as that of all addicts: escape. He does not want to sit with the pain of Stede leaving him on an immediate, surface level; on a deeper, more habitual level, he doesn’t want to sit with the pain of his own self-loathing. Of course the two are related: the former brings the latter to a head. Stede abandoning him dredges up and brightly illuminates all of his insecurities, and now Ed has to run. Get out. Escape. Don’t think about it. So he is fighting, stealing, drinking, snorting, shooting, killing - whatever it takes to not think about it.

“Demon? I’m the fuckin’ devil.” People in recovery often talk about addiction as if it were a separate, sentient monster living within them. Ed taking on the mantle of demon - a creature known specifically for possession, for removing the host’s free will - is intentional. So is his insistence that he’s not just any demon but the demon. The worst there is. (More on that when we get to The Innkeeper.)

Izzy’s confrontation of Ed in the captain’s cabin and then on deck is a form of intervention. Izzy is trying to help Ed, but of course this goes terribly for him and for Ed because interventions (I cannot stress this enough) are maybe the worst thing you could do to an addict. All addicts know things are bad, but they cannot be pushed to change one single second before they’re ready. Ed knows things are bad. He’s well-aware of how he’s spending his time, how his crew feels about him, how disappointed Izzy is. Being confronted with all of those truths by Izzy was always only going to make him do two things: 1) dig further into his unhealthy coping mechanisms, never mind that they don’t have nearly the effect that they used to; and 2) lash out at the person who forced him to think about it. Izzy lost his leg the moment he stepped into Ed’s cabin.

The impossible bird. You guys remember the song Chandelier by Sia? The one about her addiction to alcohol? The whole thing may as well come right out of Ed’s mouth at the end of that first episode, because that experience is exactly what he’s trying to convey to Frenchie. Nevermind that Frenchie has the temerity to tell him the bird can’t exist, that it has to come down sometime, that flying forever isn’t sustainable. The bird can come down on its own terms, or crash… but Frenchie’s definitely not going to say that much. Still, “that sounds like something that can’t exist” hits Ed, and leads us to the next episode.

Now we’ve got Ed forlorn, heartbroken, almost catatonic while playing with his cake toppers. We don’t actually see him crying in the opening of the episode, which is the point. He’s done crying now. The impossible bird can’t exist, and Ed has already resigned himself to this. He’s decided to die. The only sure-fire permanent way to not think about it.

When next we see Ed, he seems to be doing better, but this is a huge red flag for anyone who knows to look. He’s giving away his responsibility to Frenchie; he’s cleaning the cabin for the closure. He knows the end is coming fast, and the relief that knowledge brings him leaves him weirdly at peace. It is he eeriest part of these episodes, IMO.

Then he goes to find his first mate, the person who knows him better than anyone else in the world, the man he just fucking shot and ordered killed. Ed needs his low opinion of himself validated, and of course he thinks he’ll get it from Izzy after everything he’s done to him. He wants the one person who has stuck with him through everything to confirm that he’s now irretrievably broken and no longer worthy of his love. Ed wants someone to tell him that he’s right: he should die.

He doesn’t get that from Izzy. Interestingly, Izzy doesn’t tell him he should die. He says “Clean up your own mess.” Izzy has learned the lesson now that Ed isn’t ready to get better and that he can’t make him be ready. (This post isn’t about Izzy, but hoo boy - I have big feels about that man.)

Ed has been indulging in various forms of self-destruction in order to not feel his feelings, and steering the ship into the storm is his worst indulgence yet. This is the worst of his crimes - not beheading or arson or a red wedding. It’s when he tries to bring down everyone who has ever loved him into his misery, into believing what he believes. The audience generally (and Ed’s audience of Stede specifically) can forgive him for hurting strangers and for the non-specific mayhem whose victims we’ve never met; but it is much less certain that anyone will forgive him for hurting the only family he’s ever known.

The storm itself is the perfect metaphor for Ed��s attempt on his and, incidentally, everyone else’s lives. One of the most common metaphors used by friends and family members of addicts is that of a hurricane: that their addicted loved-ones tend to destroy everything they touch, anyone who was foolish or brave enough to stick around. And, like hurricanes, addicts aren’t malicious. Ed’s primary goal here is to get himself killed, not to kill everyone else. He wants the ship to go down so his death is certain. His firing a cannonball into the mast and asking Jim and Archie to fight to the death isn’t malice: it’s utter and complete nihilism. Nothing matters anymore. Nothing and no one. The end is near, and he’s so fucking drunk and high off these distractions that he couldn’t think about it if he tried. He’s manic with relief. (See also: “Finally.”)

And now for the finale: Purgatory. Buckle up, because this is where the addiction analogy gets real *chef’s kiss.* Purgatory is the equivalent of the morning after the worst, most rock bottom binge night of your life. You wake up with no one for company but the ghosts of your former selves. Now what?

Well, first - who is Hornigold to Ed? Why is he the guy Ed sees? It’s because Hornigold is another addict, if you will, but one who is (in this Purgatory hallucination) farther along in his recovery. He can impart some wisdom from that place, but he can also stand in as someone Ed can loathe because they’re not as different as Ed once thought, even if Hornigold can say he’s grown.

Hornigold tries to give him soup. He tells Ed, “Gotta get these nutrients into you,” and then literally shoves soup down his throat. That’s what it’s like in rock bottom. You don’t want to take care of yourself, but some lizard brain survival instinct takes over and makes you drink water, eat a piece of fruit, take yourself to the hospital. These things don’t really happen voluntarily that morning after, but you can still count on that instinct to kick in with some damage control.

Ed telling Hornigold how he “got here.” Hornigold says “Mutiny. It’s always mutiny.” Ed insists his mutiny was special, worse somehow. This whole scene is exactly what happens in your first recovery support group meeting. You go in thinking no one has ever been as fucked and fucked up as you are, which makes you feel isolated and alone. But then you get there and everyone else in the circle has done the same shit, been through the same shit. Ed’s not actually the devil; he’s just another demon, like many demons before him.

Ed worries he’s insane when he reflects on everything he’s done. Hornigold’s reply that “Feeling bad isn’t going to rebuild an abdominal wall” is a concept that people usually learn a little bit later in recovery, so I expect we’ll see more on this theme from Ed. Guilt is a useless emotion that only serves to conversely make the addict feel better but doesn’t help the harmed party: the addict feels like their suffering is cleansing, but it’s not - feeling guilt is just more self-indulgence, more self-destruction. Hornigold - a fellow addict in this moment - is trying to get this lesson to him early. It’ll return.

“You’ve got to move on or blow your brains out.” We’re getting back to Purgatory as the metaphor for the morning-after rock bottom, because this is the exact calculation that every person in recovery has done. They all had to answer that one big question. Your whole life is a mess, and you made the mess. Do you want to clean it up? Or quit? (Or make some soup? Yeah. That big question can’t be answered without basic needs having been met. So let’s eat. Let’s start there. It’s easier.)

Now we have Ed’s fantasy about opening an inn: This is also a common part of the morning-after rock bottom. You start thinking about the wrong turns you took, the mistakes you made, the way your life was supposed to go and all the reasons you’re not where you wanted to be. (And all the people you can blame for the fact that your life didn’t go as planned.) And when that honest part of yourself starts telling you that actually it’s all your fault… well, a) you don’t wanna hear it, and b) you can’t silence (kill) that monster, no matter how hard you try. You’ve got to face it. Face all those truths you’ve been running from for years. Now you have to think about it.

So now the big question, the inevitable math. Hornigold suggests looking at the pros and the cons. That’s the easiest way to break the calculation into manageable variables. This is probably my favorite moment of the episode, because when you’re sitting there, morning after the worst night of your life, everything is fucked - these are the exact variables that go into your equation. Do I really want to live? You ask yourself that, and because your life is in fucking shambles, you come up with the stupidest goddamn reasons to keep going. You wanna see the next seasons of Good Omens and Loki. You wanna eat your mom’s spaghetti again. Sometimes it’s nice when someone hugs you. It’s never the big things that save your life; it’s a bunch of the littlest things. The smallest comforts. The big things… they’re too unattainable. They’re too much to hope for, and they’re more than you could possibly deserve. What are the pros of living for Ed? Warmth, good food, orgasms. This is a stunningly accurate representation of the things that will keep you alive once you’ve hit rock bottom.

And then the cons: “I don’t think anyone is waiting for me.” This is why addiction is the better metaphor. There is no human experience more isolating than addiction. You are alone in more ways than you’ve ever been before. You have pushed away or pissed off everyone who ever cared about you. And even the ones who will maybe still be there for you - they can’t help you clean up the mess you’ve made. You have to do the work alone, even if they’re still willing to stand next to you. And this con… it’s the scariest one. Your list of little pros looks so pathetic next to the horror of being utterly fucking alone. Who is going to brave that for some stupid shit like Tom Hiddleston sexily flipping his hair back in that Loki way he does? Why should Ed carry on just because blankets are cozy and marmalade is pleasant?

This is where we get to the moment on the mountain, and what Stede represents. Hornigold tells Ed “You’re unlovable, and you’re afraid to do anything about it.” Ed could do two things about being unlovable: He could try to fix it, or he could end it all. Hornigold represents the worst part of Ed: his weaknesses and cowardice. And if Hornigold is in the driver’s seat, he’s going to end it all. He throws the rock off the cliff, and Ed gets dragged down into the water to drown. (Let’s also talk later about how often addiction is compared to drowning, and how nothing else in the show actually threatened Ed’s life - not Izzy with a gun, not all the rhino horn, not Jim’s cannonball - like drowning in his own mind.)

But then there’s Stede. Stede is how the pros win over that one big, horrifying con. Stede is hope. Stede is just a glimmer of hope. Hope is the most important thing you need in the morning-after rock bottom. As much as I enjoy the idea that it was love that saved Ed, I don’t think that’s a wholly faithful interpretation. Because Stede’s love for Ed doesn’t solve anything, doesn’t fix anything - it certainly doesn’t fix Ed. It cannot fix Ed. Hornigold just told Ed that he’s the one who has to “do something about it,” because Ed is the only one who can save himself. But even if Stede’s love for him in itself isn’t what saves Ed, Ed’s trust in Stede combined with that love gives him hope. Stede loves Ed, truly loves him, came back to him even though he knows Ed’s nature, knows his list of crimes, knows what he’s done to Stede’s friends and family. And maybe Ed can find in himself what he trusts Stede truly sees. It’s a “maybe,” not a certainty. But it’s hope. Someone loves him. Maybe he can love himself, too.

This Woman’s Work: I read this song as referring more appropriately to Ed’s relationship with himself, in no small part because Ed literally made himself the woman in the cake topper couple. All the things that should have been done, should have been said - they’re things Ed needs to do and say to himself. He’s got a little life and a lot of strength left. The journey has just begun.

I want to pop back quickly to a few other moments in The Innkeeper that resonated, starting with Stede and Izzy’s discussion about what happened to Ed: “He went mad. He was a wild dog.” Izzy describes Ed’s breakdown as if he was no longer the same person he once was; this is exactly what addiction does to a person. Ed hasn’t been himself; he’s been held hostage by his need for escape, and he’s become something else. Possessed, if you will.

Izzy: “You and me did this to him, and we can’t let the crew suffer any more for our mistakes.” I’m not writing an essay on Izzy (yet), but this is a very interesting perspective that says a lot about Izzy. Stede and Izzy both owe apologies to Ed, but they are not responsible for his actions. I predict we’re going to see this theme explored in later episodes as a part of Ed’s healing process and recovery. And also hopefully in Izzy’s growth.

Frenchie’s line that “We’ve been living second-to-second for a while now” is a callback to the impossible bird idea. Which, again, is just Chandelier x Sia. “I’m holding on for dear life, won’t look down, won’t open my eyes, keep my glass full until morning light ‘cause I’m just holding on for tonight.”

So what’s next? For me, it was learning to sit alone in a quiet room with my thoughts. It was apologizing to the ones I hurt, because even if I didn’t mean to hurt them - even if I was suffering also and worse - they still got hurt, and in the end it didn’t matter why. It was developing the habit of liking myself, and acting on whatever self-love and affection I could conjure up. And yes… it was new seasons of Good Omens and Loki, my mom’s spaghetti, and hugs.

So I think Ed has a lot of accountability, reflection, and breaking of old habits in his future… but also warmth, good food, and orgasms. And good for him. That’s the beauty of recovery: we get to come back.

196 notes · View notes

chubs-deuce · 1 month

Note

Haaard agree on anti-Chaggie post (so sorry Chaggie shippers. We love you)

Alastor is known to steal the attention of people whenever he is on screen. But when he is with Charlie it makes it more interesting! They bounce off of each other in an entertaining way. Even if you don't ship them they are funny. Alastor is getting a kick out of just talking to Charlie. He finds her amusing (probably in a mean way lol). And Charlie while thinks he is an asshole, (cus he is!) she sees he tries to help her even with an obvious hidden ulterior motive.

They don't see eye to eye in their goals but at least they are both real characters with their own motivations and that makes them very dynamic with each other. Also they are both goofs, love 'em

Chaggie has fans within people that just want cute and non-dramatic relationships. Or just a queer couple that is wholesome without any dramatics. Valid!

It's just awkward that Vaggie is all about Charlie. This one thing puts me off. Considering my previous experience with it was in Steven Universe (Rose and Pearl, anyone?). But it's just personal thing. Sometimes things like that are funny like "they are obsessed with this person lololo" or "they are... Uncomfortably obsessed with this person"

[I think it depends on if the other person is on the same level? Charlie seemed somehow dismissive of Vaggie but it can be explained that the plot was just more focused on hotel than them (ugh 8eps. waiting for S2 to have fillers).]

Shipping is all about preferences and that's okay! My friend is a Chaggie shipper and I am a Charlastor shipper. I asked her to explain to me the appeal and she explained it as "a cute couple that has no conflict whatsoever. People like that exist and it's more common than very dramatic or action-driven couples". And I just like a bit fucked up dynamics where I watch someone in that dynamic go through some emotional turmoil (mostly Alastor<3) and also co-workers/housemates dynamic (when I need something cute and simple)

Some people just prefer down to earth things, especially if their life is a rollercoaster. What's important is to respect each other!

Sorry for a lil essay. I just think sometimes it's important to say "these are prefrences. We don't hate you for not liking your thing and the same goes in vice versa"

All fandoms have a group of people that is.... A bit too devoted to something. Respect others even if they don't like the same thing you do. Instead ask them to explain to you why they like it in a non-hostile manner or don't interact at all.

We're all tired of shipping wars, especially when some companies add oil to this fire to monetize more. I just want to get back to old fandom days when you both would be shopping different things and then end up in a make out session /j

Sorry for an essay again. Love your art, especially when you draw unhinged or going insane Alastor because Charlie makes him "feel". Thanks for all the content<3

This!!! So much this!!!

I hardly even need to add anything to this tbh, you already said everything that needs to be said perfectly!

I often like to think of shipping as the more adult version of playing with dolls, and that different people will play with their dolls differently! Some may prefer to follow the instructions on the packaging, playing with the toys exactly as intended, whereas others might find that boring and instead prefer to mix things up and do their own thing!

How I play with my set of dolls should have absolutely no impact on how you play with your own.

Thank you so much for writing out this ask, I'm honestly really glad to see that common sense and critical thinking skills within fandoms haven't completely died out yet lmfao

#chubs answers #anti chaggie #hazbin hotel #charlastor #bc it was mentioned

67 notes · View notes

aziraphales-library · 4 months

Note

I need some fix-it fics after season 2. Anything that continues straight after S2 and has a happy ending or alternate endings to S2 where they actually know how to communicate

We have started a #fix-it tag! Here are just a fraction...

Heliotrope (flower of undying love) by scatterbrained_salamander (G)

It had started off so simple. “Ah, well. He always did want to go his own way. Always asking damn fool questions, too,” Metatron had said, oblivious to Aziraphale’s inner turmoil. Aziraphale had given a false smile, and let the conversation drop. Aziraphale had figured it was just the Metatron, trying to sympathize with Aziraphale’s rejection. Surely he didn’t actually think that about Crowley. Not deep down, at least. Or: Working Heaven isn't quite what Aziraphale had pictured. After months of coping with the too-high expectations of Metatron and Co, and months of monotonous paperwork, Muriel comes in with an unexpected report. Someone had left flowers on his bookshop's doorstep.

Another Round by AverageContentProducer (T)

Crowley is quiet for a moment before responding. “Angel,” he says, voice low. “I don’t think the apology dance is getting us out of this one.” - The art of repair can be a tricky one. In certain instances, one may find that fixing that which has broken requires a person (or an entity, as it may be) to adopt a non-linear mode of thinking. This is not an undertaking for the narrow of mind, nor for the faint of heart. It is a very, very delicate operation. Which is to say that, sometimes, under truly dire circumstances… you may find that the solution calls for breaking things even further.

The Day After: Early in the Morning by the Sea by Eigen_Licht (T)

“... ’That doesn’t mean I will let you off the hook this easy. …I still want that apology dance.’ ‘Of course, my love’” Later, on a cliff by the east coast of Sussex, the night sky above them, Aziraphale and Crowley finally talk.

You left me with no choice by Wullam343 (NR)

"Just explain this to me, angel," Crowley growled. "If you know how things are going to turn out if you try this, why are you so hellbent on risking everything you have, even OUR FRIENDSHIP to defy heaven?!" "BECAUSE I WANT TO PROTECT YOU!" Aka i absolutely refuse to accept how the season ended so for my mental health i had to write this as a coping mechanism

everywhere by vivahate (T)

Something in Crowley snaps. He’s hearing what his heart needs, what it’s wanted to hear for ages, yet instead of long-sought relief all he feels is anger so bright and hot, he feels like he might catch on fire. A growl rips from his throat, unbidden and he stalks out of the room, out of the house, out into the raging storm. It is no match to the storm brewing inside. He doesn’t bother counting. It will do nothing. Lightning passes through him and he roars along. It hits a tree nearby and the emotional release only leaves him all the more empty. Even now he can feel Aziraphale’s presence, watchful, careful. His angel in despair. But still looking out for him. - (or; Aziraphale uncovers what Heaven was actually trying to accomplish by appointing him as a leader, grovels and gets his priorities straight. And the world does not end this time around either.)

tender is the night by Path_Finder (T)

“I confess, I’ve never had the opportunity to do something like this,” Aziraphale says. Crowley huffs in amusement as he grabs Aziraphale’s hand, guiding it up and letting his hand come to rest just behind Crowley’s shoulder blade. He places his own free hand on the small of Aziraphale’s back. Crowley can feel the rustle of Aziraphale’s breaths, too infrequent to be truly human as if he keeps forgetting that it’s something he’s supposed to do. “Is this...alright?” the angel asks. Crowley can only manage a nod. -/- Aziraphale and Crowley share a slow dance together during the ball. Confessions ensue.

- Mod D

#good omens #good omens s2 #ineffable husbands #angst #hurt/comfort #fix-it #mod d

121 notes · View notes

my-rose-tinted-glasses · 4 months

Text

Rose Recaps 2023 - Japan

So, because I have a hard time making big lists and choosing favourites, this my version of a superlative post, by country.

The one that had me at the first frame

If It’s With You | Kimi to Nara Koi wo Shite Mite mo

As soon as Amane appeared on screen I was gone. This damaged but confident boy had my heart from the beginning. But it was Ryuji that ended up with a bigger piece by the end. The way he saw Amane’s mask from the beginning and just went – “you don’t need to do that with me”. And the way he considered Amane’s feelings even when he wasn’t sure what to do or how to respond, or how he was feeling about all of it, was just beautiful to witness and at certain points kinda reminded of Ida.

Favourite Moment: Amane confessing and running away. Because visually it's so striking. The way he's running from the light that is Ryuji.

The one that was perfect and I never saw coming.

I Cannot Reach You | Kimi ni wa Todokanai

I think that by now at least some people know how I feel about Japanese BL. I love it so much. And for me it’s always about the characters. Whether they are the embodiment of chaos, like Aoki or they are just incredible complex and empathic humans like Ida. - Yes, I’m using Kieta Hatsukoi every chance I get- I just love the way all these characters are written and portrait.

I loved these 2 boys in equal measure all throughout the show. I might have a soft spot for Yamato, but that’s only because pining boys are my weakness.

Yamato’s back and forth in his own head about what to do would be annoying to me in any other show, but it was so well done, and we were privy to his thought process throughout that it just made me feel for him deeply. And Kakeru learning about Yamato’s feelings right away in the first episode was a great choice, because he gave the show time to make the reciprocity more believable.

Favourite Moment - The exchange of gifts at the door. I love the nervousness that the two of them are feeling in this moment.

The one where I gave in.

My Beautiful Man S2 & Eternal

Confession time. This was not love at first season for me. I don’t argue quality overall and much less the acting of the show, but it just didn’t click for me.

There were some truly great moments in the first season but there was a disconnect between my heart and my brain. This happens to me sometimes. Like I watch something that is objectively good but it doesn’t reach me.

That all changed with the second season and the film. I finally connect with Hira. Don't ask me why, I don't fully understand myself, but it happened right at the beginning of the season. I think perhaps it was because I started seeing more from Kiyoi pov, because before I was absolutely clueless about what he saw in Hira in the first place. Sorry if that sounds harsh.

I don't blame the show for this, as I said, I think all the elements are there, it just didn't connect for me.

Also, the film was gorgeous to watch. Several moments (specially the sequence where the gif is from) were so well shot and edited that I'm happy I went in already with a positive mindset.

Favourite Moment: The one from the gif. I'm a sucker for a drastic visual change when the moment calls for it.

The one that had me question if watching it was good for my mental health.

Tokyo in April is | Shigatsu no Tokyo wa

Ok. I love this show. I love Ren. But this was a hard watch for me. Every week I had a struggle between two sides of me.

- Don’t watch it. It will be sad and you will be sad because of it. - But the last one was sad so I need to watch it to see if there’s happy. - Why not just wait? - Because I started already, so now I can’t wait. - But in this case binging is best. Cause for sure the ending is happy so you won’t be sad for long. - Yeah, but I need to see more now. And there’s a new episode waiting for me. - Fine. Just press play. After the episode. - I really shouldn’t watch this one live. (all this repeats the following week)

It was beautifully acted, there were some outstanding moments, the past was as tastefully done as it could be given the subject matter, and in the end my heart of full, but slightly damaged with the process.

Favourite Moment: Ren finding out Kazuma had been looking for him.

The one with all the magic.

What Did You Eat Yesterday? | Kinou Nani Tabeta? S2

I already wrote how this show made me feel in another post. So I’ll just say this.

EVERYONE NEEDS TO WATCH THIS SHOW. NOW. If you haven’t, stop reading this and go. GO. NOW. Start.

There is magic here and you don’t even know.

Favourite Moment: ALL OF THEM. But really this one.

Shiro. Just Shiro.

Well, I'll try to write the next one in these next couple of days. Wish me luck.

Thanks for reading💜

#Rose Recaps 2023 #kimi ni wa todokanai #kimi to nara koi wo shite mite mo #i cannot reach you #if it's with you #kinou nani tabeta #tokyo in april is...#shigatsu no tokyo wa #utsukushii kare #my beautiful man eternal #rose rambles

94 notes · View notes